#Jace I’m so sorry you can’t take it back when I rewrite this

[whoblewboobear]

Gift of gab not being a sorcerer spell is so rude. Now Jace has to say something with his whole chest 😔 I fully wrote this without looking it up so uhhhh here’s this lmao

[j2zara]

🖊🌝🧠💭and 💋for tell me more about j3's pov in stay/leave bc I remember you rewriting some snippets of it from his pov for another ask meme and it was so fun!

OOPS this ended up kinda long my bad! Sorry this took a while i was just kinda worn out yesterday ty for ur patience

🖊 Post a snippet from a current WIP.

I’m feeling generous so i let this go on way too long. I’m probably revealing too much but what the hell

J3 grins at Porter, ignoring her completely. It makes her feel strange and small. “‘Boyfriend’? Porter, what are you talking about?” “Just a joke, darling. Having fun?” “Loads. So are you, I can see.” J3’s eyebrows are raised, a hand on his hip. His eyes flit back and forth between the two of them. J4 tries to parse his expression, look for any sign of—what? Anger? Jealousy? Satisfaction? He remains impassable. J4’s heart is pounding, ready to leap into her throat. J3 takes J4 by the hand, intertwining their fingers as he pulls her toward him, and away from Porter—and she ignores the brief jolt of distress at that, of being away from Porter. “Come dance with me.”  “In these heels?” asks J4, watching her own feet so she doesn’t stumble. But she doesn’t protest, she follows until she’s in his arms, practically nose to nose with him. Up close, she can see his pupils are blown out. He’s going to be a pain later, and the next day, she just knows it, she can’t even bring herself to resent it. Right now, she doesn’t have it in her to be anything but happy—his touch like the relief of sunlight at dawn.  It may be the substances, but at least they’re talking. “You’re doing great!” he whispers, just as he steadies her, hand resting at her waist. The strange moment of kindness puts a lump in her throat. She doesn’t deserve this. “Whup! Hate to pull her away from you, Porter, but she’s so much fun. Don’t you agree?” J3 is nuzzled against her neck, and the gesture is so familiar, so comforting, they’re their old selves again—until he peaks just enough to flash a teasing smile over at Porter. “We talking about the same J4?” says Porter. J3 ignores him. He touches her face, their eyes meet, and J4 gets a Message from him. Kiss me. Her breath catches. You sure? He’ll like it. A sinking feeling in her stomach. Oh. It takes everything in her to remain impassive in front of Porter. And that’s a good thing? Trust me. (She’s getting what she wants, right? Surely—that’s what everyone wants when they run. To be chased?) A slow flutter of J3’s lashes, mouth parting. A J3 signature, used at the end of their movie nights, when the lights are dim and the credits are rolling.  Used it to get a kiss and a hit of gorgunfern from a burly dwarf who J3 said worked at the steel factory, too. She knows what he wants—even if she’s one of many. J4 cradles his face in her hands—hesitates. Watches him exhale and lean forward as her thumb brushes his cheek. Despite her wariness, her shyness, at being a spectacle for Him—she does as he says and pulls him in for a kiss. His soft fluttering gasp against her mouth is enchanting. J4 aches to disappear into this moment, will it to be nothing but quiet and peace and perfection—but she knows what this is to Porter. It’s him getting Jace, every part of Jace, all to himself, just as he’s always wanted. The unfairness of that hits her even while she’s sucking face. Even as she’s hyper aware of her God’s omnipresent gaze, she’s desperate to imbue this with as much meaning as possible—maybe if she’s eager enough, if she wants it enough, if she puts on a good enough show, then J3 will know, somehow understand, that this moment—that she—exists only for him. For a moment, she does exist only for him. J3 smiles as they part. “Like what you see?” he asks—a reminder that they’re not alone. “Can’t complain.” J4 doesn’t take her eyes off him. How can you stand this? she Messages. You know me. I’m shameless. Again, he’s unreadable. She forgets sometimes, how much J3 likes being Jace for Him. The thought makes her angry—how Porter doesn’t even see him, just his beloved Saint Stardiamond.

anyway I'm saying too much but oh well!

🌝 Who is one character you haven’t yet written for that you would like to?

I already answered this one earlier (in that I said it would be fun to write DurDawn or Mailee of ATLA fame. And yes, it is also ironic as zukkacore i have not written zvkka.) But thinking more on it…. My only real brush with Porter POV was the tiny tiny snippet in IYWD and tbh i think Porter POV is so fun b/c he’s so fucked. I also think writing anything in like a Bad Kids Pov would be fun but i have no idea what it would be for. Oh! Also maybe writing Jawbone????? I’d love to feature jawbone in something i write sometime. Whether its starbreaker related or clone related or whatever or something else.I think so many of you guys are so good at capturing his voice like he’s always so funny and warm and distinct and i laugh so much when you guys get an anecdote of his that just feels so RIGHT and i don’t have that. 

🧠 What’s an idea you have that you can’t quite call a WIP yet?

Someone else asked me this and i did spout off abt Jace Hireling AU and Clone Game Changer AU but. Beyond that… I think writing anything involving Jawbone would be fun im not sure what. Maybe that J2 gets knotted fic of my heart LMAO he deserves it. On a similar note! I’m a sucker for werewolf J4 and vampire J3 and i think writing something with one or both would be so goddamn fun but i have no idea what the specifics would look like.

I also think it would be fun to write something for Jace + the Jaces au aka bandverse. Not sure what tho

This is SUPER new as in only hours old in conception but i did state in another one of these ask things. my headcanon that is super self indulgent that the clones do Make It after ragenarok b/c don’t they deserve that? Like. I know i write so much clone tragedy and that’s kinda the point is that they’re all doomed but in my heart they get to make it out of the torment nexus. Anyway. My super indulgent headcanon is that the clones get granted True Life by Ankarna but its in the form of like. Reincarnation. (I also think a way to swing the reincarnation angle is to have it to do with like. Aguefort’s whole thing with Chronomancy and Phoenixes since Ayda is half phoenix and does reincarnate). So J4 gets her wish to not be Of Jace but the clones are separated and have to find their way back to each other. It’s very “anybody got a match” “and so we sing it again and again and again” coded to me. Anyway. I’m not typically that into reincarnation stuff (It just depends i think it can just be a contrived way to get characters to care abt each other but when its done right recognition through multiple lifetimes is so so so so so good) but like. A part of me wants to make it work but ugh.

💭 What is a headcanon you have about your own work?

Again I got asked this and I was like. I’m literally such an open book i blab so much abt my own stories and the headcanons that go with them i never ever ever ever shut up abt it. So finding something to talk about it so funny

Ok. So. I feel like i’ve kinda talked abt this but. I do think if Jace hadn’t gotten back with Porter, J2Porter… might’ve been able to work out?? For as long as that would even sustain itself considering we know ragenarok and also J2 is a clone and stuff. I know that’s crazy and. That’s very indulgent of me to say maybe due to my soft spot and like i haven’t even accounted for whether J3 would still be homewrecking in this scenario. Like it sounds crazy for me to say that b/c Porter looks past J2 constantly but also…. That was already happening with Jace. I’m not saying it would’ve been perfect but i do think it only would’ve been like. Marginally worse than Jaceporter already was. I don’t even think it would be marginally worse it might’ve honestly been the same level of screwed.

OH. I’ll talk about something else, too. This is so silly but I think in terms of weird differences in the clones. I’ve joked bc j2 having a tighter curl pattern than Jace. I actually think J4 has a looser curl pattern than jace, her hair is the closest to straight. I also think J4 is the only Jace that likes a middle part for her hair.

Um. Last thing I guess? I think J4 is the only clone that sincerely picked up the smoking habit for a substantial period of time, and she quit but she does cave when she’s stressed. People are free to do as they please with the clones but to me Bluejay does not smoke (I do love esme’s whole joke tho that J2 watching J4 quit cold turkey was so stressful that he starts tho i think thats pretty funny). Like. Idk bluejay is cringe i think he’s like the kind of person who is like “my body is a temple and a gift from god so i can’t destroy it!” even if Jace smokes and he is Very Very Curious. (I think gorgunfern would fix him but. He doesn’t know that). And J3 is like. A social smoker in the same way ppl are social drinkers, and maybe a stress smoker? He’s tried everything once out of curiosity obviously, he’s j3, and he prefers sex to get some sort of hit or like release when he’s stressed but like. Sometimes he’ll take this instead.

💋for tell me more about j3's pov in stay/leave bc I remember you rewriting some snippets of it from his pov for another ask meme and it was so fun!

OHHH this is such a fun question thank you!

Tbh those were fun to do!!!! bc like. I was struggling so goddamn much with stay / leave and I wanted to get it done ASAP so bad so I felt kinda bad I was distracting myself with these weird sidebars but like. They ended up being really helpful bc I made some significant edits to J4’s pov to match what I wrote for him. I give myself so many annoying self-imposed limitations for certain characters and I think j3 is the one who is hardest a for me to write bc he’s so so so so so so bad at expressing what he wants and so it only comes out in these weird flighty circular “well I want what you want” etc ways. It’s was such a self imposed barrier for Biggest Lie, and having a J3 voice already made it slightly easier but Biggest Lie is the reason i have these self imposed boundaries anyway lol. The J3 snippets were purely snippets I did for the ask, but like. Scanning the text and trying to reverse engineer something was fun because its like. I was playing with that concept of Homophrosyne, of two people who understand what the other is thinking. So there was a lot of mirroring in J3’s pov. 

To get more broadly into J3 POV and not just those snippets like. I mentioned so so so briefly as a half joke during the writing updates that the reason J3 was being so dramatic was because the story was Post IYWD, which means he’d essentially been ditched for Jace. So J3 is being a little bit of an asshole here, and that question J4 has of whether he misses her or misses someone felt very important b/c of that whole J3 Being Disposed Of thing. I liked it b/c it heightened the stakes. We get j3 at his most desperate to fill a void. J4 at her most angry, an d maybe even most righteous in her anger as well.

I just looked back at what I wrote (j3 pov):

“Alright.” He’s trying to keep his cool, but he can feel his face grow hot. J4 always sees him for who he is. “Well, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he says, a half-truth, because he’s picturing what might happen if he goads her, and he wants. “But… You could always tell me off.”  A smile curls on his lips. He feels the hand yanking at his hair before he can even process that J4 is kneeling beside him. His head is forced back, pressed into the couch cushion, and he hisses at the pain tugging at his scalp. It feels good. J4 leans in, mouth practically against his skin, and he can feel his breath catch as he waits for her to speak. Finally, she murmurs, “You’re being a pest.” Making warmth shoot through his entire body. Oh… He thinks it, but the sound escapes him before he can help himself, a thrill from being at her mercy. “Are you mad at me?” he asks—somewhere between a goad and a plea before devolving completely into a whimper. He’s played this game before, but something about this. This feels real. It frightens him.

Again this idea of. J4 at her most angry because her anger is usually spared for people who deserve it in her eyes, and she’s so soft on J3 in comparison. And J3 being a greedy little gremlin desperate for any kind of experience, any kind of sensation whether positive or negative. There’s mirroring with the scene as exists in text because j4’s getting off on the idea of punishing, he’s getting off on the idea of being punished. Lol. And J4 taking pleasure in her more sadistic impulses when she caves, as opposed to repressed. Being Portercoded. The part where she called him a pest was actually one of the easiest parts to write for me—idk it was so clear in my head.

Actually. My fav addition to j4pov that came from doing those little j3 detours was. The idea of her basically stealing one of his moves? That came from me writing the J3 pov. B/c i loved the idea of him “giving The Move to her” because she does it better, like that concept just seemed so funny and interesting. Like their approaches to charisma casting are so different and J3 is very rehearsed, so i’ve always found the idea of LJ3 like, borrowing from each other and taking each other on a bit to be a compelling idea. “I’ve built a you within me�� etc etc.

 Plus, my self imposed guidelines for J3 are not… consistent but I do still try to maintain when possible J3’s role as a Jace Cypher, being more passive when he’s with people. In the original draft, J3 just kissed her, which is fine, but there’s something about the role reversal of J4 intentionally goading in this submissive, flirtatious way that i thought was more interesting.  Especially b/c J4 says its like. A move that works EVERY time. So when she tries it, it works. On him. He breaks his passivity for once and kisses her. And on the other end, for J4, i liked it because she’s trying to prompt him into taking action, which is a big thing for her, wanting him to articulate and take what he wants. And she gets what she wants, but she’s breaking her own principles for herself, now she’s the one playing coy. Something something he is more myself than i am ya know.

[royal-ruin]

shadowhunters fic recs (part 1)

these are all going to be malec fic recs, sorry if that’s not what you’re looking for. also, i might have enough for a part 2? i don’t know, we’ll just have to see, i suppose. edit: nope, sorry, i don’t think there’ll be a part 2 anytime soon. the starred ones are my personal favorites. everything is complete unless stated otherwise.

alec lightwood / magnus bane (malec) fic recs

*Closed Doors Don't Lie by RedOrchid (~93k)

When the summoning of the Memory Demon reveals that it's not only Clary's memories that have been meddled with, Alec finds himself being pushed off the path set out for him and onto a different one.

this one was really good! there’s past alec / jace, and i think there are a few scenes of them getting together (i could be wrong, it’s been a while), but they are very brief.

Stone Can Be Broken by lawsofchaos (~4k)

[There’s a deep weariness in Alec’s eyes when he finally looks up to meet Catarina’s gaze. Magnus, on the other hand, turns away to glare at the wall behind Alec’s head, the line of the warlock’s shoulders as razor-sharp as the war paint masquerading as eyeliner on his face.

Alec takes a deep inhale, pushing back the hurt and tilting his chin up ever so slightly in quiet resignation as he breathes out slowly.

“In order for true love’s kiss to break the curse,” and here Alec’s voice is carefully even against the incipient tightening of his throat, “is the love required to be mutual?”]

this is like post break-up and it has a hopeful ending, but it was really heartbreaking for me.

a cold night for good deeds by theprophetlemonade (~510k)

[“There’s this thing that you do,” Alec murmurs. “This power you have that makes you look indestructible.”

“You know that’s not true,” says Magnus.

“I do,” replies Alec, “But even then … there are times when I’m not so sure.”]

1992, New York, a city hanging on to politically-tinged Cold War feelings. Alec Lightwood is a Corporate - a superhero for hire - jostling with a secret identity, holding on to a sense of a normal life, and the fact vigilantes keep turning up murdered in the gutters with no explanation.

Things can only get worse when Magnus - an investigative journalist - starts peeling back Alec’s carefully-crafted mask … and then there’s the mysterious vigilante with the power to move things with his mind who keeps turning up wherever Alec goes - Alec just can’t cut a break.

A neonoir slow-burn superheroes AU about identity, truth, and falling in love without knowing someone’s real name (ft. everyone has superpowers because I couldn’t help myself).

this is the longest fic i’ve ever read. like, with most fics, normally i’d just stop at 200k max, because i literally just can’t read more than that sometimes. but this one was absolutely brilliant. the writing was fantastic, and there was a lot of attention to detail. there’s purple prose too, i get that it’s not everyone’s thing, but it somehow fits so well. it’s also very slow burn, you’ve got to be down for a long ride. 

*Best Laid Plans by SuperficialPeasant (~131k)

When a High Warlock looking to end his celibacy streak meets a Shadowhunter after no-baggage thrills, the two make a deal: anytime, anywhere, no strings attached.

it’s a canon rewrite, essentially. the malec relationship starts pre-canon and it changes so much. one of the tags is “63794102 things change when you put Clary Fray in a holding cell” and that’s literally what made me click on the fic. as you can probably tell from that tag, there’s a bit of clary bashing (very little though). also i love this characterization of alec. he’s so much more confidant and there is way less gay panicking with him and magnus. there’s a fair amount of well-written smut too.

I am your secret and you are mine by xxDreamy (~14k)

Magnus and Alec are leading actors in one of the most popular shows on TV. They met seven years ago on the set and became friends right away. They have been dating for four years by now and no one knows about this. As much as they want to share their relationship with the world, it doesn't seem so easy to do it so they just keep hiding. Until one day they don't have to anymore.

Aka Celebrity AU where they are shamelessly flirting with each other on every occasion and no one pays attention to it because it's how they've been for last seven years.

secret relationship, and modern au with malec as costars. very well done.

On Ice by Carmenlire (~3.5k) (series is ~25k)

[He crouches down until he can meet the man's eyes from where he’s staring down at the floor, expression blank.

“You were a dead man as soon as my customer was pronounced DOA on the fucking sidewalk," Alec says softly. "You don’t come onto my turf and try to screw me and my customers because do you know what happens if you do?”

The man swallows painfully but Alec doesn't give him a chance to finish before he continues, "You don't live to tell the tale."]

Or, Mafia AU

mafia/mob boss alec and magnus of rival gangs. i live for bamf dubious morality alec. it’s a part of a six part incomplete series with mostly oneshots.

One step ahead by apathyinreverie (~103k)

What if Alec and Magnus had already met during that Pandemonium scene in the very first episode?

Or, how things might have gone if Magnus and Alec had just had a few extra days to get to know each other, before Valentine’s schemes, Clary’s various crusades, Lightwood family history revelations and Clave-Downworld politics made everything more difficult for them than it really needed to be.

It truly might have made all the difference in the world.

yeah, another fix-it where malec meets pre-canon. 

Traveler by bumblebeesknees (~16k)

Alec’s not sure how to process that Max, his five-month old baby, is apparently a dimension hopping private investigator 140 years in the future. Magnus has a much easier time dealing with it.

[“Sorry,” says Max, blinking rapidly. He doesn’t look away from Alec. He looks – Alec doesn’t know how to describe the expression on Max’s face. “It’s just... it’s been a long time since I saw you, Dad.”]

this type of mine by thisissirius (~28k)

alec and magnus have a bond. it's probably going to be telepathic.

or the one where the lightwoods are put on trial in more ways than one and alec slowly falls in love with magnus one day at a time.

[khaleesiofalicante]

Historical Inaccuracies

So, remember how we all yelled about Alec finding out about Magnus inventing the portals with Henry? Yeah, so it led to this ;)

You can read the fic here on ao3 too :)

“I’ll never get used to it,” Alec told his husband as they returned home from Cirenworth. “Sure, the runes are amazing. The angel blood is pretty cool. But portals. Damn!”

Magnus only chuckled, setting down the box of cookies Jem and Kit had baked for the kids.

“Sometimes I really pity the mundanes,” Alec continued, taking off his shoes and jacket. “I mean, we live in New York. I can’t imagine travelling without portals. Oof!”

“Alexander, you have been spoiled!” Magnus chuckled harder.

Alec winked at his husband. “I wish I could make portals. Then I can go anywhere I want anytime I want.”

“You 're married to a warlock. You already do,” Magnus pointed out. “Besides, you can’t make portals without a warlock. You need our magic and panache.”

“Clary can though,” Alec pouted. “How can she make portals without warlock magic? It doesn’t make sense.”

“She got herself to engaged to Jace,” Magnus pointed out. “A lot of things Clary does doesn’t make sense.”

Alec giggled at that and flopped down on the bed, his t-shirt discarded on the floor. Magnus walked sat down next to him.

“Alright, think of it this way,” Magnus said. “What Clary does, that’s pure magic. Straight from the angels. But what we do…It isn’t just magic, it’s also science.”

“Oh,” Alec said, propping his face on his palms.

“Henry created the portals only after tinkering with them for weeks. It was an experiment, you see? It was a combination of science and magic. While Clary’s powers are no doubt fascinating, I’ve always preferred warlock portals. It’s a combination of nature and nurture. A fine balance of how all things should be. Actually, back in the day-”

Magnus stopped abruptly, but only because Alec was giving the biggest heart eyes in the world.

“Stop it!” Magnus blushed.

“I can’t help it,” Alec grinned. “I love it when you talk about magic. It’s like watching Simon talk about movies or Jace talk about weapons, but 100 times better and it doesn’t make me want to jump off the balcony.”

Magnus laughed. “Anyways, I’m saying you’re right. Portals might be the coolest invention because they combine science and magic. See how much we can achieve when we allow to entertain mundane thoughts?”

Alec smiled. “I wish I was there when the first portal was made. It must have been so badass!!”

“It was actually rather terrifying,” Magnus said. “We were off to defeat Mortmain. We didn’t know if it would work. Knowing Henry, there was an equal chance of us ending up in the Thames. But it all worked ou-”

“Hold up,” Alec interrupted. “What do you mean ‘we’?”

Magnus blinked.

“Magnus,” Alec said. “Were you there when the first portal was made?”

“You’re welcome,” Magnus winked. “Now, what should we have for dinner? I’m craving ba-”

“I don’t understand,” Alec looked stunned. “I didn’t know. How could I have not known? I should have never slept during the history lessons!”

“You shouldn’t have,” Magnus chuckled softly. “If it’s any consolation, it wouldn’t have mattered if you’d been awake either. Contributions of warlocks such as myself are not usually a part of the Nephilim curriculum.”

Alec only stared. "But that's ridiculous. Surely it must be in the Codex. I remember there is an entire subsection on portals.”

“Alexand-” Magnus called, but Alec had already jumped off the bed and was going to Rafael’s room.

He came back a moment later, flipping through the pages furiously.

“The first successful portal was created in 1878, a collaboration between Henry Branwell, then head of the London Institute, and a warlock whose name history, unfortunately, does not record.”

Alec looked up from the book.

“This is bullshit. BULLSHIT!”

“Alec-”

“Whose name history unfortunately doesn’t record?” Alec repeated. “Well, that’s fucking convenient, isn’t it?”

“It’s just an oversight,” Magnus shrugged.

“This is outright bigotry and discrimination!” Alec yelled. “It’s racist!”

“Alec,” Magnus called. “Shh! You’ll wake up the kids.”

“Good! They should hear this! In fact, everyone should,” Alec took out his phone.

“What are you doing?” Magnus asked, getting up from the bed and walking to his husband quickly.

“I’m texting the group,” Alec said, punching the buttons as if he was punching a demon. “Everyone should know about this. I’m going to send mass fire messages to every shadowhunter-”

Magnus grabbed Alec’s phone away. “Darling, it’s midnight. You need to calm down.”

“Calm down?” Alec asked incredulously. “Magnus, I’m pretty sure, No-I’m 100% certain that none of us would be alive if it wasn’t for you. I’ve heard enough stories from Jem and Tessa to know what you have done. And this is what you get back in return?”

“I never did any of those things hoping I’d get something back in return,” Magnus pointed out. “It doesn’t matter to me.”

“But it does to me,” Alec replied. “It matters to me that your kindness is valued. It matters that your power is respected. It matters that your contribution is acknowledge. It does matter, Magnus.”

Magnus only sighed and sat down on the bed again. “What do you what me to do?”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Alec said, his voice softer now. “You’ve done enough and more. It’s us. Nephilim need to do better.”

“Nephilim need to do better,” Magnus chuckled softly. “Could be your slogan for a reelection campaign.”

“Magnus, I-” Alec faltered. “If this is the how the Clave operates, then I'm not sure I want to be a part of it.”

“Alec, no!” Magnus said forcefully. “Don’t you ever say that. Many Consuls wouldn’t have even bothered about this. You do. Shadowhunters need a leader like you.”

“Someone who didn’t even know his husband invented the portal?” Alec mumbled.

“Someone who gives a shit,” Magnus smiled. “Someone who cares – not just about the shadowhunters but about all of shadow world.”

They were quiet for a moment. The only sound in the apartment was the windchime from Max’s room.

“I’m sorry,” Alec said quietly. “I’m sorry they did this to you.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Magnus caressed his husband’s cheek. “It’s not your fault.”

“It isn’t,” Alec said. “But downworld erasure like this exists because no one bothered to question it. I did know a warlock helped Henry but I never bothered to look it up. It didn't matter to me.”

Magnus kissed Alec on the cheek. “It’s alright. I never cared for credit anyway.”

“I know, Magnus,” Alec smiled. “But I...I got the Codex from Rafe’s study table. I don’t want our son learning from a book that only documents half of what happened. It isn’t fair.”

Magnus’ face softened at that. “Okay. If it matters so much to you. Then I will talk to Rafael in the morning.”

“No,” Alec said. “This isn’t just about Rafe. It’s about all the kids.”

Alec looked away, as if he was ashamed.

“You know I wasn’t always like this. I was bigoted too – in my own way. And I think…If I had known…If someone had taught me, it would have helped. If shadowhunters had been taught history as it is, and how it should have been…We could have avoided wars. We could have avoided so much loss.”

“You could have,” Magnus said quietly. “It isn’t just warlocks who are erased. Faries, werewolves, vampires…even mundanes.”

Alec looked pained. “Ignorance breeds hatred. We can’t go on like this.”

“I agree, Alexander,” Magnus said. “But sending a mass fire messages in the middle of the night or spamming the group chat isn’t going to fix this. You said it yourself. This attitude is discriminatory. Discrimination and racism can’t be erased overnight. If you really want to fix this, then you need to sit down and think about this properly.”

Alec was quiet for a moment. A long one.

Then he held out his hand, clearly asking for his phone. Magnus sighed and gave it back.

He started pressing the buttons rapidly again before throwing the device on the bed. “Alright.”

“Did you just scream at the entire clave in all caps?” Magnus laughed, a little nervous.

“No,” Alec said, pulling Magnus into his arms. “Just texted Diego and Simon. I want to talk to them first thing in the morning.”

Magnus raised an eyebrow.

“I’m going to ask Simon to analyze the existing curriculum at the Academy. Catarina should help him. I want to know what the future generation is learning. I want to know how much of it is the truth,” Alec said. “And I’m going to ask Diego to put a team together to rewrite the codex.  We’ll make sure we have representatives from the downworld. If we are going to teach history, then it needs to be as accurate as possible. The Codex should be a book of truth, not carefully worded propaganda.”

“Lots of people might not like the truth,” Magnus said quietly.

Alec kissed him the forehead and shrugged. “Too bad. They picked me as the Consul. Now they gotta deal with it.”

Magnus laughed, his voice becoming softer as it was filled with unending happiness.

“Nobody gets left behind,” Alec promised. “Not this time.”

“Thank you,” Magnus smiled.

“For what?” Alec chuckled. “Giving a shit?”

Magnus shrugged and hugged his husband close, never wanting to let go.

“Thank you,” Alec whispered. “I know the Codex doesn’t say it. But thank you. For all that you do. For all that you are.”

[kingofcurses]

twist of fate chapter 4

whole fic here

chapter 1 and 3 are on @daisyherxndale ‘s page

"Lottie! Liam! I need both of you!" Mina burst in through the doors of the Institute, shouting, carrying Clary with one arm, Jace supporting her with the other, as he pushed the other door open. "Who is that? What happened, where have you guys been?!" shouted Diana with ferocity. "Doesn't matter, me and Jace think it's an unmarked Shadowhunter, I'll tell you about it later, just make sure she doesn't die!" Mina replied back. Diana hoisted Clary up with one arm, throwing her over her shoulder. "I'll get her to Hodge. Lottie, Liam, grab a stretcher." Lottie and Liam, who had been standing still, wide eyed, had ran off already, to help out. Mina sank to her knees, alongside Jace, who was already on the floor. "Jace. Send Maryse a fire-message. Update her. Tell her that we don't need any more help, and tell her not to worry. I'm going to the library. Tell someone to get me when Clary's awake." Mina said, wearily. As Mina walked to the library, she heard the scuffling of a pen writing. Curious, she looked to see who it was. The sound was coming from Hodge's room. She peeked around the door, and froze at the sound she heard. Was that, a flap of wings? She cleared her throat. "Hodge?" Hodge jumped, then quickly composed himself. "Yes? Ah, good, you're back." "We bought a girl back. You might want to help heal her. Ravener got to her, she's alive, but might not be for long." Mina said, out of breath. Hodge blanched, and ran straight to the infirmary. Mina leaned against the wall. Why was she so tired? Slowly, sluggishly, she made her way to the library, and sank down into a chair. She reached for a book, and passed out from exhaustion. "Mina! Mina! Wake up! Clary's awake!" Lottie's voice rang out."Huh?" Mina replied, drowsily. "W-what time is it?" "It's 5am, Mina." Alec's voice replied from the doorway. "Alec? Where were you and Izzy?" "Taki's. But that isn't the point. Why are you in the library? Also asleep?" "Research. I'm hoping Magnus can help me with something. And I must have nodded off, I guess." Magnus and the Carstairs family were close, because of his friendship with Tessa. "I'm coming with you. When you go see him." Alec said, almost defiantly, sure of himself. Mina smiled. "Suit yourself." "We'll go tomorrow. Or whenever that Clary girl is fine. I still don't understand why you brought her." "Because, as Shadowhunters, our duty is to protect. Besides, I got a tipoff that she might be one of us." "How? She's unmarked." "Exactly. Why would there be an unmarked one of us?" "If they were running away. If they planned not to be seen." "Nevertheless, we should Mark her. For her own safety." ~ "Where am I?" Clary groaned. Her mind felt like mush. She couldn't remember much of what had happened. Then, everything slowly came back to her. The cafe, meeting Mina and Jace and- Her mum! "Mum!" she shouted. A tall man, with glasses loomed over her. She shrank back, frightened. "Who are you? Where am I?" Clary asked, nervously. "This, child, is the Institute. And I am the tutor of the Shadowhunters who reside here. I am Hodge Starkweather." "Mr Starkweather-" "Call me Hodge. Everyone does, around here."< "Hodge, I want to know where my mother is. Jace and Mina said that I could find answers here; that they would help me." "Miss Clary, we'll discuss what we're going to do, after we have breakfast, and give you your first Mark. You won't be able to help your mum without it." Hodge slowly helped Clary get out of bed. "The clothes you're wearing were given by Charlotte and Izzy. They're excited to meet you." Gripping Hodge's arm tightly, Clary walked down the stairs of the Institute. Everyone stopped eating, to stare at her. "-Hi? I'm Clary." she said, nervous at the stares she was getting. "Sit next to Izzy and Jace." She automatically went to where Jace was sitting, and sat down in between him, and a girl who was one of the most beautiful people she had ever seen in her life. "How are you feeling Clary?" Jace asked, over the sound of everyone noisily eating their food. "A little better. Where's the other girl? Mina?" "She said she'd be down in a bit." At her words, Mina came down, from the library. She sat down opposite Clary, and started grabbing food. "God, Shadowhunters have no table manners." Clary muttered under her breath. "Clary. We need to Mark you. For your own safety." Mina said. At her words, everyone started shouting.

"It's a bad idea!" "What if we have to kill her?" "Are you sure she's not a mundane?" "Everyone, shut up!" Mina shouted.

"Mina-" "Yes Jace?" "You know how it was weird that Clary didn't immediately die to the venom? And you thought it was because she was a Shadowhunter?" "Yeah...? What's your point here?" "Well, I may have kept rewriting an iratze on her arm." "Are you out of your mind, Jace?” Hodge slammed his hand down on top of the table so hard that Clary thought the wood might crack, as everyone around the table winced. “You know what the Law says about placing Marks on mundanes! You—you of all people ought to know better!” "But it worked," Jace said. "And if I hadn't drawn iratzes on her, she would have been dead, Hodge." "You shouldn't have done that Jace," said a beautiful girl with curly black hair and sea blue eyes, she had a strong British accent like Mina. Mina's sister, Clary thought. "You could have turned her into Forsaken, and then what? The Clave would have found out, and I don't even want to know what the consequence would have been, and what the Clave would do to you, just because of some random mundane." "But, Lottie, she is not a-" Jace started but was cut off by the boy who sat next to Lottie. "But she is Jace, how is she not? She barely has knowledge of the Shadow World. She didn't even have any Marks, at all." The boy finished as he ran his hands thought his black curls. This must have been Liam, Clary thought. Jace opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. Mina pursed her lips and sighed. She couldn't be mad at Jace. Without warning, she grabbed Clary's arm. Sure enough, there was a faded Mark. "Well. I guess that settles it. Clary, I guess you're a Shadowhunter now. You'll have to pick out a weapon, and get more marks, and learn runes. Welcome to the family. Oh, and you're coming with us tomorrow to Magnus' house. Me, Jace and Alec. I'll show you to your room." Wordlessly, Clary and Mina got up, and went up the stairs. After they had left the raucous noise in the room behind, Clary asked. "Is it hard, being a Shadowhunter?" "I've known it all my life. So no. To me, it isn't. But there is always a chance I could die. Or one of us can't come back." "Oh. Okay." "Any other questions?" "Are you from here? Do you live here at the Institute? You don't sound at all like you're from New York." Clary questioned curiously. "That's because I am not from New York," Mina chuckled. "I am from Devon, in England and no I don't live here in the Institute, I live with my siblings and my parents. I am mostly staying here because of Diana, my parabatai." Clary nodded, "Do you have any other siblings other then Lottie and Liam?" "I do, yes. A sister. Her name is Emma." "Oh, that's nice." Clary smiled as they reached Clary's room, coming inside and sitting on the bed. "Do we know where my mum is? At all?" "No. Not yet. But maybe Magnus might. You live under his jurisdiction, warlock-wise. As a result, he might know what happened. But I promise we'll find her." Mina squeezed Clary's hand reassuringly. "Alec, Isabelle, Lottie and Liam don't like me being here." Clary remarked. "Oh don't mind them! They are not really fond of mundanes. But they'll warm up eventually. They're so kind and protective to people they do know." "I heard Jace mentioning that you were badly injured a few days ago. What happened? If you don't mind me asking?" Clary questioned. Mina sighed, "Diana, Alec, Isabelle, Jace and I were on the mission. In the Seelie Court - that's one of the Faerie Courts - I got somehow separated from Diana, Jace, Alec and Isabelle, and I got injured by one faerie really badly. And me being injured really rarely happens, so everyone was really worried. Worried enough to call my parents to come to the Institute." "Oh," Clary nodded wide eyed. "But, I am fine now, I recovered already," Mina explained as she stood up. "Sorry, do you mind if I leave? I am going to eat something, I am really hungry. Jace might be upstairs in a bit, if you need someone to talk to." "Oh! No, no don't worry, I'm sorry for keeping you." Clary nodded. "Oh, Clary, before I forget, I want you to take this." Mina pulled out a dagger from her belt. "Oh. Okay. Thanks." Clary said, holding the dagger by the tip. "I'll see you later, get some rest. Wake up early tomorrow, you'll get a crash course in weapons training, from all of us."

[bishopsbelova]

Okay, so I’m gonna rant/talk about something that’s been on my mind for the longest time. And sometimes that’s come up a few million times - especially with the same few shadowhunters stans bringing up the “problematic” aspects of The Mortal Instruments as if it’s anything new that we haven’t heard before or haven't mentioned ourselves. 

Anyway, let’s just start off with the bare basics, City of Bones was published in 2007 (x) and was first written in 2004 (x) - though some people will say 2005, so Idk. Also the books are set in 2007. Shadowhunters was released in 2016 (x) and is literally currently being written. 

Secondly, it is not fair to compare something written over a decade ago to something being written now; because they are in two vastly different time periods. Also, Clary, Jace, Izzy are 16 in the books, Simon is 17 and Alec is 18 in the books. Clary is 18 in the show and everyone else is whatever the fuck they are (idk, the ages are a mess). How are you going to compare the actions of young teens to those of young adults???? Teens and young adults are in two vastly different places as well and are going to make very different decisions. It’s just a fact of life. 

Thirdly, book fans don’t overlook or justify or even agree with everything in the books. Most of have called them out. But we also realize that it’s been ten years, there is nothing that can be changed. We don’t have a time machine, Cassie doesn’t own a time machine - she can’t go back and rewrite the books. (Unlike the shadowhunters writers, who can take the feedback they get and actually change things in the show as they continue to write the episodes.) But Cassie can do better in the future (which is HAS). She has added so much fucking diversity into her newer books and her writing has grown so much. But no, y’all petty asses refuse to give her credit where credit is due. You bitch that she treats lgbt characters like shit, but when she gives them their own books, you say she’s doing it for money. She literally can’t win no matter what she does. 

Fourthly, someone people don’t read to analyze it. Some people (like myself) read simply for, you guessed it, enjoyment. And that is perfectly okay. If you wanna read a book simply because you like reading, you enjoy reading. That. Is. Valid. If you wanna read stuff critically and analyze it. That. Is. Valid. But you also don’t have to be an asshole about it, either. 

It is not up to y’all to tell me (or anyone) how they can and can’t read. I’m not going to sit around and go so far out of my way to find “problematic” aspects in a book. I’m not going to over-analyze every little bitty scene and pull shit out of thin air. I had to do enough of that shit in English classes through school. I’m gonna sit here, take in a story, spend time with the characters and move on. That doesn’t mean, I’m a terrible person, it doesn’t mean that I condone anything. I purely read books and watch tv shows for enjoyment and I am going to continue to do so. 

I’m sorry if that offends you/pisses you off, but I really don’t see how what I do/how I chose to read affects you in anyway. Actually, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t affect you at all. 

[sapphicalexaandra]

We’re Not Lovers (1/3)

Pairing: Jace/Alec

Rating: T

Summary: Alec’s bachelor party goes a bit differently...

Notes:  New 'verse! For the ones who are familiar with my Seelie Court Kiss AU, this new AU - called "Strangers" from the Halsey song, every title is a verse - follows a similar logic of rewriting some canon events. This time i go back to season 1 (and before). I had this scenario in mind ever since s1 was airing, so i'm glad i could finally put it to words. I'm also a bit nervous for the same reason. I apologize in advance for the angst!

“You trust me, don't you?”

Any other time Alec wouldn’t have had any problem answering ‘yes’ to the question uttered by his sister, but considering how she was marching him blindfolded into uncharted waters…

“No, not really. And I told you, I don’t need a bachelor party."

"You need this one. Now, count to five, and take your blindfold off," she intimated him.

"Really, Izzy? Seriously?"

But she was off, and Alec could only walk forward, removing the blindfold without counting the only rebellion he could afford himself. He was in some kind of bar, he noticed, and his desire to be there plummeted even more. What exactly would be the need of getting drunk? It’d only cause a headache, without making it any easier to march down the aisle the next day.

When Jace appeared, however, Izzy's scheme became all too clear. Alec reflexively – protectively – crossed his arms.

"Izzy said you wanted to talk," were Jace’s first words. 

Seeing him, merely hearing his voice was enough to cause a pang in that place in Alec's ribcage that hadn’t stopped hurting since…far too long. 

"I don’t know what she thought I wanted to say," Alec shot back.

If Jace – or Izzy – expected him to bow down or give in, they were wrong. Many words had been said in the past few weeks (and months) between him and Jace, and none of them had done anything but widen and deepen the rift dividing them.

Wow, Alec. All these years I hadn’t realized you were a damn coward.

And you don’t care about anything or anyone but yourself!

You know what? Dial it down a notch.

What is with you? Really, no, what is with him?

Are you so desperate to get laid that you'll risk killing us?

Wow, um, there's so much in that that was wrong, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear it.

That's the problem. You're not listening!

You can trust her, or not. I don't care. That's not my business. But if you don't trust me–

She just came out of nowhere, Jace.

Do not start this again with me, Alec.

Just listen to me for one second!

Alec, stop! Just stop.

I'm older than you, Jace. I'm not in your shadow.

You know what? This is great. This is fantastic, the girl–

Her name is Clary and I highly suggest you keep your voice down.

Why? What, are you afraid I'm gonna upset her? We have risked our lives again and again for this girl, and where has it gotten us? All right? Nowhere.

What did you do, Alec?

I did my best, Jace.

Then maybe your mother was right, and your best just isn't good enough!

Hey! Are you so blinded by your feelings for Clary, you've lost sight of us?

I’ll be fine on my own.

He can call me when he's done chasing the little girl.

Not sure what to say.

How about, "None of this matters"? We have to stop Valentine.

Finally. Something we agree on.

You lied to me.

I did what needed to be done. It's you that doesn't understand, Alec.

You’re going to break the Law for her?!

You've had it out for Clary from the start. And now you're getting married, Alec? We both know what this is about.

Oh, do we? Okay. Why doesn't the legend, Jace Wayland, tell us what's it about?

It's about me! You’re jealous, and what right do you have since it was you who–

Do it. Do it! I don't wanna be alive if we're on different sides, Alec!

Come with me. We'll fight Valentine the right way together.

If we do that we'll be considered traitors like Mom and Dad. It’ll be breaking the Law.

Except you had no problem breaking the Law when it suited you, right?!

I'm begging you, my parabatai. Please, Alec, come with me.

No.

You cannot track Jace through your parabatai bond. It will weaken both of you, or break the bond.

Jace already weakened it. How does he think I can trust him after what he did?

Jace is dead to me.

Our parabatai bond, it's just so weak. He's like a ghost.

You almost killed me! You weakened our parabatai bond just to find me.

You betrayed me! You lied to me! You attacked me when I was doing what we should've been doing together!

I didn't betray you, Alec. I saved you from yourself!

Really? Everything you do is for a higher principle. You took the Cup, and you nearly handed it over to Valentine.

That was not our intention.

"Our intention"? Was it your intention to risk Izzy's life for hers? This isn't about Clary. This is about you. Now, I'm gonna go tell my sister that she still has a future.

How would any more do anything different? Everything was already a constant whirlwind at the back of Alec's mind, which filled his entire body with an unshakeable tremor wherever he went. 

And it all seemed to come down to her. Clary, Clary, Clary…if Alec had thought he had lost Jace before she had showed up, it all became strikingly clear after she entered their lives that Jace had permanently walked away from him.

Before her, Alec had almost been sure that they were about to get back to – if not what they once were, at least to what they should be. Parabatai. Entreat me not to leave thee.

Except Jace had rather preferred fighting him than leaving her.

Jace’s next words weren’t a surprise then. “Great. I guess I'll go. I've got work to do anyway.”

He should be used to this by now. Watching Jace’s retreating back shouldn’t hurt as much as it still did. Alec averted his gaze.

At the corner of his eye, however, he noticed Jace stopping in his tracks. Alec’s traitorous heart skipped a beat, at the same time that he tried to keep his hope down.

But Jace really did turn around, starting to walk back towards Alec…

He should feel relieved. He should be filled with joy.

He felt angry.

“You know what? She's right, we do need to talk,” Jace said, stopping in front of him.

Jace's eyes were too soft and big for that sharp-edged face, damn him. Alec swallowed down that irrational gush of feelings; he should at least hear him out first.

“Well, it's my bachelor party, so you go first,” he told him then.

“Okay...” Jace took a deep breath. “Listen, I don't know, or I don’t entirely know, how things got so messed up between us. But you were right, Alec, we’re parabatai, and we’ll always be. I don’t want there to be a rift between us anymore… my life has been so much harder not having you to talk to.”

The raw pain and honesty in Jace’s voice was piercing like the tip of an arrow, and Alec reluctantly had to admit, “Mine, too.” He wouldn’t have been able to deny it even if he tried.

“I know it seems like I've been making a lot of crazy choices lately,” Jace went on. “And I know you think that I was only thinking about myself and Clary, and I wasn't thinking about the consequences to anyone else…all I can say is, I've been going through a lot.” Jace lowered his eyes for a moment. When he looked back up, he was more determined as he took another step forward. “But I only ever did what I thought was right, Alec. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry.”

Crazy choices…myself and Clary…consequences…what I thought was right…never wanted to hurt you…

That was all Alec’s brain had registered, and all it could focus on.

Jace was apologizing, he claimed he had never wanted to hurt him, he was trying to bridge the gap that had formed between them – it was basically everything Alec had wanted…and yet.

Something roared inside of Alec, undeterred and unsatisfied. “Well, then. It’s all fixed now, I guess!” he might as well have barked.

Jace was visibly taken aback. “Of course not, I just mean–”

“I know what you meant.” And in that moment, Alec did the cruelest high-pitched voice that ever came out of his mouth, “‘I’m sorry your feelings were hurt, Alec, but I still think I was right and didn't do anything wrong. Let’s just forget about it and move on.’”

Jace moved his mouth wordlessly, as if he was doing an impression of a fish, and Alec felt a twisted kind of satisfaction in seeing that. I’ll be fine on my own, he had said.

“That’s not–” Jace started, then changed his mind. “Okay, so what exactly do you want from me?! I didn’t want to hurt you, even when I would’ve had all the right to – but if you really think that I should’ve let Clary get killed in her quest to find her mother, or get Meliorn tortured, or that I shouldn’t have tried to find and stop Valentine, then yes, Alec, you’re right! I do think that was the right thing to do, and I can’t believe that you would–”

“That I would what?!” Alec was practically shouting now. “You really think that I wanted for Meliorn to be tortured? Or that I don’t care about what happens to Clary’s mother or whatever else Valentine could do? If you really think that about me, then you don’t know me at all!”

“Then why?! Because Angel help me, Alec, I really don’t understand you anymore!”

A laugh burst out of Alec. “The feeling is mutual.”

They fell silent, their heavy breathing the only sound in the room, as they faced each other – it was undeniable now – like  no more than two strangers. Alec would’ve given anything to be punched right there and then, so that he wouldn’t have to be aware of the painfully terrifying reality of that fact.

Instead, he let the anger take over.

“If you really wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing, you should’ve listened to me!”

“I did–”

“No, you didn’t, Jace. Not to one word since Clary showed up. Hell, even before that! You’re supposed to be my parabatai, to always be by my side and fight with me, no matter what…but you always go your way, merrily jumping into everything you do as if you own the entire world, expecting me to follow you, which I do, and then when you save the day and are acclaimed as a hero, I am left to deal with the mess you leave in your wake!”

Those words were like poison, pouring out of him from a cut that he hadn’t realized had been opening and re-opening inside of him time and time again. Freeing himself of it was as liberating as horrifying; not just himself anymore, but everything else around him was going to get tainted from it. 

Still, he couldn’t stop it.

“I was left alone, Jace! While you were off playing the savior, I had to deal with everything that was raining down on my family – your family – alone! Did you ever stop to think for one second about the consequences of your actions?! You said it yourself, you didn’t, and you didn’t even stop to see them…so yes, I had to make some hard choices! Mom and dad were sent away, Izzy was almost exiled…and what if you hadn’t arrived in time with the Cup? What if the Clave had kept on being unhappy with us? Do you realize what could’ve happened to Max? They could’ve sent him to live and be raised by someone else, a proper and shiny family loyal to the Clave, and we would’ve never seen him again! But of course, nothing mattered more than helping Clary, right? Since you weren’t affected personally – because who would dare held the legend Jace Wayland accountable for his actions – the family that took you in wasn’t your problem! And while you were going off with her, I took the risks, I bore them myself so that they wouldn’t have to… so you bet that I would willingly and knowingly lead an innocent man to be tortured! And now I’m going to get married to a girl that has still been more supportive of me than you’ve ever been...only to save your sorry ass! So no, Jace, I don’t care for your poor excuse of an apology.” He spit the last words out with all the vitriol he had in him. His throat was so hoarse that he wouldn't have been surprised if it burned down. 

The silence that followed was louder than a thunderstorm.

What was he feeling? What did he feel? Alec didn’t know. Angel, he didn’t know. Was it relief? Was it satisfaction? Was he still angry?

Witnessing the lucid glint in Jace’s eyes, he didn’t know who he was anymore, as he blinked hard himself. 

“I – I didn’t – that wasn’t – I...” Jace’s broken voice was the last sound Alec would've wanted to hear in that moment. “Alec, you know you’re the most important person in my life!”

It still wasn’t enough. “Am I? Am I? Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it!” 

“I swear, Alec, I didn’t want for any of this to happen! I know I messed up, but I love…your family! If I could go back–” Jace sprung forward, his hand trying to take ahold of Alec’s desperately. “You have to believe me.”

Alec snatched his hand away.

“It’s too late.” The cracks in his own voice didn’t matter.

“Just, let me fix it! I’ll talk to Lydia, to the Inquisitor, to everyone! I’ll tell them none of this was your fault. Please, Alec, let me make this right again…we will be alright again.”

Alec shook his head, taking several steps back. “I’m tired, Jace, I’m so damn tired. I can’t stand having to do everything alone anymore. If I’m such a burden to you now...go – just go! I release you from any obligation you might have with me, you’re free! You don’t owe me anything anymore.”

And he started walking away.

“NO! Alec, that’s not what I want! You could never be a burden, the opposite of that – I can't live without you! These past few months…have been hell. Please, don’t go.”

Jace grabbed Alec’s arm, hard, his fingers burying into Alec’s flesh. “Just give me another chance, I’ll do everything, anything, I’m begging you…”

Alec used all the strength he had left to pry his arm free. He was already up the stairs when he heard a sob.

He swore he heard a tearing sound, too. Two halves being ripped apart.

four years earlier

It had happened when Alec was seventeen.

Jace and Izzy had succeeded in dragging him to a Downworlder rave a night they weren’t on duty, and he spent the entire time huddled against the wall of the most isolated corner he could find, watching from afar as his siblings got more and more plastered as time flew by, dancing wildly with the hot strangers they managed to lure into their clutches.

Whenever someone approached him, generally girls, Alec always gave a curt shake of his head, hoping that if he ignored them hard enough they’d go away on their own. It worked most of the time. When at some point, however, a guy – probably a vampire by the looks of it – passed him, winking at him, Alec had to find another corner.

All night he was cranky, bored, pissed more than usual, wanting to either punch something, or go yell at Izzy, or Jace, or both. He knew it would turn out like this, and he shouldn’t have given in to their pleading.

Eventually, right as the fun going on on the dance floor happened to get too close to him in the form of a girl latching her leg around Jace’s hip in his line of sight, Alec realized it was time to go home. That was clearly a sign for him to call it quit.

He had stepped out of the tent – a freaking Seelie tent in Central Park, by the Angel, why had he been so stupid? – when a slurred, eager voice reached him from behind.

“Hey, Alec! Alec, where the hell are you going?”

Of course, it was Jace. It was always him.

Alec reluctantly turned around, taking in with bile in his throat the bunch of girls who had followed his parabatai outside. “Where would I be going? Back to the Institute, of course.”

Jace’s face morphed into confusion as his mouth caught up with his fuddled brain. “Why?”

Alec sighed. “Isn’t it obvious? Listen, this kind of things are not for me. Just make sure Izzy comes back home in one piece, okay?”

“C’mon, Alec! Why can’t you have some fun for once in your life?!”

Alec could’ve been slapped, for all he knew. The jab hit him right in that place inside of him that he didn’t want to think about, so he was grateful when his anger roared back to life instead, his ears almost fuming at the sound of the girls’ giggles. “Well, I wouldn’t want to spoil your fun, so I’ll just leave you to it and go.” 

And he walked away without looking back to see Jace’s reaction.

He had almost made it to the mundane part of the park when a pair of footsteps approaching him alerted him. His sword was half-way out of its holster when he rounded on the dark figure, but it was put back in place when he realized who it was.

“Woah, woah, easy!” Still Jace, arms up in front of him in a gesture of surrender.

“What are you doing here, where are your – friends?” Alec snapped.

Jace closed his eyes for a moment, probably recovering from how loud Alec’s voice had sounded in the darkness, but when he reopened them he was slightly more lucid. “You think I would just let you go like that, parabatai? What happened to whither thou goest, I will go?”

“I think it applies to better things that this. And I told you, I don’t want to spoil your fun…just go back inside.”

“Wait!” Jace grabbed his arm, and Alec reluctantly stopped. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean what I said. Or, I would like for you to loosen up a bit, but that wasn’t the right time, or way, to tell you that.”

Jace was staring at him intently, his eyes big and apologetic, and Alec sighed, both internally and externally. He could never stay mad at Jace for more than a hot minute…because the reason he was ever mad at him, was that he was always the opposite of mad at him.

Staying mad at himself for that very same reason was much too easy, instead. 

“It’s fine. I just – I’m gonna go home now.”

“Okay.”

Alec started walking again…but was surprised to find out that Jace was still beside him.

“What are you doing?”

Jace arched an eyebrow at him. “What? I’m going with you.” Then he grinned, slapping Alec on the arm. “I was serious before! You think I’d just abandon you, my parabatai, for some girls? Well, not to say that it wouldn’t have been nice…but I have a mission now. I’ll get you to have fun tonight, as if my life depended on it!”

And he started laughing, resuming his steps as if he didn’t have a care in the world. A corner of Alec’s mouth perked up in spite of himself, and he could only follow Jace’s lead.

Somehow, they stumbled upon some sort of mundane amusement park, as they learned it was called. The place was riddled with stands of various items, food most of all, and people who seemed to be enjoying passing in front of them all. If that was what they liked…but Alec had to admit that it wasn’t too bad; they even chose to de-glamour themselves and intermingle with them. Finding out that there were stands that had games, however, was what made Jace truly light up. 

“Ah ah! You’ll like this one!” he exclaimed, as he dragged Alec in front of a place where people had to shoot darts at balloons. “I bet I’ll hit more than you.”

“Seriously?” Alec rose a skeptical eyebrow up - but then he smirked. If that was what Jace wanted… “We’ll see about that.”

He ended up winning, and the thought that Jace might’ve let him, to have him ‘’loosen up’’, didn’t even hinder Alec from…actually loosening up. When it turned out he could choose a price, Alec swallowed down his amusement at what the choices were, and picked a balloon-hat that he placed on Jace’s head. Jace wore it proudly (until it fell and he accidentally stepped on it), laughing his ass off every time he remembered about it. 

After that, they discovered a variety of other games, some that weren’t even in a stand. They got into some kind of toy cars – in which they miraculously managed to fit – that could crush against each other at will, even though they would’ve preferred them not being so cushioned. Mundanes were such cowards. In the presence of a wild and drunk Jace, though, it was probably better that way.

Then there were suspended chairs that spun around, and the goal was to catch a dangling object up above while they worked in pairs, one pushing the other up, and it wasn’t surprising that the two of them managed to get it more than everyone even tried to do so. They were the best team there was, after all.

Shooting at other different stands, riding some other fast-moving whatever-they-were-called games…it shouldn’t have been as entertaining as it was. They found themselves clutching their stomachs in uncontrollable laughter too many times to count, and Alec couldn’t remember ever having spent such a time with Jace. What would his parents say if they saw them playing like common mundane children? But Alec, for how much he always did, didn’t particularly care about their judgement in that moment. If it was up to him, he would’ve never gotten out of that particular dream.

Biting into their recently acquired burgers, they were still buzzing with excitement.

“So?” put in Jace, eyeing him knowingly.

Alec rolled his eyes, feeling his cheeks heat up upon realizing just how much he hadn’t put up a fight against Jace’s plan to loosen him up. He had a standing as a Shadowhunter and an eldest son, above immature and inconsiderate behavior – Jace would never let him live that one down, now.  

“Okay, fine, you win. I’m having fun. Happy?” he shot back, more bitterly than he had meant.

Jace’s expression softened. “Yeah, I am. I just want you to be happy, you know that, right?” Jace’s voice was hesitant, small, so unlike him, and he wasn’t looking him in the eyes when he spoke.

Alec knew how much that had cost Jace to say, because they didn’t usually voice these things. If Jace had done that, he had to mean it. So Alec nodded, not meeting Jace’s eyes as well.

If he knew, he wouldn’t want you to be happy.

The thought slithered unannounced into his mind, yet unsurprisingly. Alec’s heart skipped a bit nonetheless. The reminder of just how much he was deceiving the person who should be closest to him…made him get up from the bench he was seated on as if his ass had caught on fire.

“We should probably go,” he told Jace, stiffly.

Jace cleared his throat, probably embarrassed by his lapse of emotions, and he got up as well. “Yeah, but I mean, it’s still not that late. We could go for one last ride.” And he pointed at the giant spinning wheel towering right behind them.

Alec didn’t know how much of a good idea being alone up in the air with Jace could be, given his – unfortunate condition. He should refuse on the principle of shielding Jace from his own sickness…but how could he say no to that hopeful face?

“This has been crazy, hasn’t it?” Jace broke the silence once they were at a decent altitude. “You’ve gotta hand it to the mundies, they have some creative ideas.”

Alec merely nodded. He had something stuck in his throat – maybe just some saliva. And all his attention was focused on fighting with himself to only stare ahead, or up, or below, and not at the person right beside him. He was losing. Whenever he noticed that Jace was too enthralled in admiring the view, he couldn’t help but dare sneak a peek at him…with his recently-sharpened jaw highlighted by the stubble he had just started to grow…that speckle of brown in his left eye that always had a glint in it…that sleeked-down hair that always tried to break free…until Jace turned back towards him to make a comment or another, and Alec had to play it off as if he wasn’t just staring at him.

He was hopeless, and pathetic.

When they reached the top, the wheel stopped.

“The view is really stunning up here,” Jace said, awe clear in his voice.

Alec had forgotten that Jace was probably still more than a little tipsy – he hadn’t used his rune to heal himself after all – or he wouldn’t say all those cheesy things. Frustratingly, it only made him more endearing.

“Yeah, not bad,” Alec replied, not really agreeing with Jace. He knew he wouldn’t call a mere city stunning, when he was seated next to– “It’s a beautiful city, if you ignore all the demons lurking in it,” he deadpanned, ignoring his lapse of thought as his heart beat furiously. He hoped Jace couldn’t hear it.  

Jace met his eyes. “That’s not all there is, though, right? There are good things, too…like you.”

“Me?” Alec attempted a chuckle, predicting Jace’s next joke.

“Yeah, you.” But it didn’t come.

Alec wasn’t breathing anymore. And the lack of oxygen was probably making him short-circuit – that must’ve been it, or Jace wouldn’t appear so close to him, suddenly. Every second that went by, however, he only seemed to be closer and closer…

“What – are you–”

He felt every single moment painstakingly clear, as it was being burned into his memory. The way Jace looked with his eyes closed, as his lips finally came into contact with Alec’s, painfully slowly, lightly at first; then they pressed into him more firmly, and Alec obeyed the sudden impulse to press back. Their mouths slotted together, tasting each other as if saying Hey, hi, I was waiting to meet you, and Alec would’ve wanted to keep his eyes open, but he couldn’t. When they shut closed on their own accord, everything became even more intense, and Alec could've sworn he was on fire…and that touch just wasn’t enough. He brought a hand to cup Jace’s face, to feel that he was real, that it was him, but when Jace grabbed the collar of his shirt, drawing him to himself further, any last coherent thought left Alec altogether. He gasped, melting into the kiss, opening his mouth so that the tip of Jace’s tongue asking for entrance could be let in. When their tongues brushed against each other, sealing his first kiss as the best thing he’d ever felt in his life, the moan that escaped him vibrated all around them. And something was singing, a chord inside of him whose other end was Jace…

It was everything, then some, and more than he had ever imagined.

His first kiss. With the very same person he had never dared to hope... 

Jace broke apart first, albeit reluctanctly, but he didn’t go further than resting his forehead against Alec’s, smiling brighter than Alec had ever seen. Alec was left with his mouth hanging open, as he stared at the sight in front of him in shock, his lips pounding and burning and already longing to be kissed again…

Right then, a thud told them that they had reached the ground.

Before anything else could move, Jace abruptly teared himself away, turned around, bent outside the seats, and emptied the contents of his stomach on the grass.

Of the ride back home on a taxi, after he had managed to drag Jace all the way out of the park, Alec could later only remember the white noise that his brain had been, and the weight of Jace’s slumped form, half-asleep on his shoulder.

Of when he had tucked Jace into his bed, and Jace had smiled at him before closing his eyes, Alec knew only that his lips had been so frozen that he couldn’t smile back.

Jace could smile all he wanted, content and happy, since he could kiss whoever he wanted on a whim because he wasn’t coherent enough to remember it. A kiss like that – that had meant everything to Alec – was only just a blip in his radar.

Alec had muffled a scream into his pillow. After all those years of being hopelessly in love with Jace...that had been the cruelest of jokes. He could still taste alcohol in his mouth, the only time he ever liked it.

[bussanbaby]

This is a rewrite of the jail scene from 2x12, for all of us that are bitter with how it went. Hope this brings you all at least a sliver of peace. 

After Alec comes back from Magnus’, he feels so agitated and uneasy, that even the fact that he banished Azazel back to Hell with a single arrow doesn’t help his mood, his pride pushed fully aside in favor of racing thoughts. He reports mechanically to the Clave, leaving out certain details that stick to his mind and ignite his suspicious nature.

 On one hand, he can understand Magnus’ strange behavior because of their somewhat failed summoning, but at the same time, even when tired or angry or even hurt, Magnus has never been this clipped and terse with him. It’s not the fact that he refuses to help Alec when he calls, because that has happened in the past and for good reasons, but not being given any explanation beyond being busy is unlike his boyfriend, usually attentive and understanding towards everyone he harbors some kind of affection for. Everything from cryptic words to Magnus not responding to his touch, leaves Alec feeling wrong and thrown off-kilter.

  He stomps into the camera room outside of Valentine’s holding cell and with crossed arms, he watches the footage, blinking when a shoe hits the lens, jostling it.

  “I know you’re listening! Please, I’m not Valentine, I’m Magnus Bane!” He hears the man call, sound muffled over the speakers. Anger blooms heavy inside his guts at the very notion that this maniacal murderer could even say the name, what’s more pose as Magnus, when clearly, clearly it’s Valentine-goddamn-Morgenstern; a delusional racist hell-bent on destroying the Downworld. Alec feels sick thinking about it, feels resentment beneath his skin itching to be let out, to pay back in violent justice for everything this man, this monster, has ever done.

  Without thinking, his feet carry him over in large strides and he yanks the cell door open, pushing Valentine up against the wall. “That’s enough!”

  This has to be a trick, a practical joke – Valentine speaks, says Alexander, which stings, because it reminds him of Magnus once again, of the soft cadence of his voice, eerily similar to what he just heard.  Nothing makes sense; when he was shackling Valentine up before the summoning, he looked into his eyes – mad and defiant and unapologetic to the last moments, but here, here Alec sees fear and desperation, a hint of tears catching on the hollowed out light from above. He presses his forearm against Valentine’s chest to keep him contained and feels a rabbiting heart beating heavily against his ribcage. Fingers grip tightly at his arms and Alec wants to shake them off, but he’s caught up in the disjointed conversation.

  “I’m Magnus. Azazel switched us with a curse, unum ad unum.” Valentine’s voice trembles as he talks with a wild kind of urgency, eyes fixed on Alec’s, too soft for a Morgernstern. Alec feels doused with doubt, cold tendrils of it coiling in his stomach. It doesn’t seem real, but now Alec can’t get the thought out of his head, like a song stuck playing on repeat.

  “You gave me that omamori charm, that I carry with me every day. It was after our night in Tokyo-“  Memories flood Alec’s mind – when he snuck off to buy the omamori, because he wanted Magnus to have something from him, to remind him that Alec loves him and cares for his well-being, when they kissed and Magnus’ hands were warm and steady at the small of his back, when kisses slowly turned into something far more intimate.

  It doesn’t make sense, Alec thinks, as the world fades into background noise, only his fighter’s instinct keeping who he thinks is Valentine from grappling him into a vulnerable position.

  “Stop. Stop!” He yells and the echo is the only sound left until their breathing fills the empty space. How could Valentine know details from his and Magnus’ life together, those moments captured in time with such accuracy? The doubt settles heavier, claws its way up to Alec’s throat and threatens to cut off the air. He can feel his hand trembling, while he holds Valentine at a distance. He shouldn’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth, because if Alec knows anything about him, it’s that he’s a villainous, lying snake ready to sink teeth into anyone that moves too close.

  Yet, maybe it’s true, Alec thinks. Maybe this is Magnus, trapped inside of his mortal enemy and with nobody except Alec to believe him. Maybe it’s just an elaborate plan to get out of here and continue the rampage of destruction and if so, Alec’s head would end up on a stick in front of the Inquisitor before five minutes pass.

  Self-doubt was always a close companion of Alec’s, ever since he started trying to fit himself into the mold of an emotionless leader; logic and proof and hard facts, not emotions or intuition. Alec can’t help but struggle with his judgement, something pained pressing against his ribs.

  “How do you know these things?”

  “Because it’s me, Alexander. The day of Valentine’s massacre , you told me that you loved me.” Alec stares unblinkingly at the panicked tremors of Valentine’s lower lip until his eyes start to burn and he presses them shut, that awful fear coming back to him, a memory of not knowing whether Magnus was still breathing after the Soul Sword was activated.

  He turns away, scrubbing both hands over his face in frustration. All of this feels like a sick fever-induced nightmare and Alec can’t help but pace in front of the glass like a trapped animal. He quickly tries to list all of the pros and cons, tries to put his thoughts into logical patterns.

  Could this be a lie? Always. Alec doesn’t doubt that, because Valentine could be 5 steps ahead of everyone and planning to use Alec’s weakpoints against him in case things go awry, maybe with a help of some spell they didn’t know about or maybe just through the sheer power of manipulation – after what happened to Jace, anything is possible.

  At the same time, he could be telling the truth; this could be Magnus counting on him for help, calling out for the person he loves. This could be Magnus – terrified and left alone in an empty cell with everyone thinking he’s Valentine. There’s a chance love of Alec’s life could be trapped in a body that doesn’t belong to him, hopeless and helpless without his magic.

  Alec can’t bear that possibility.

  He pulls his phone out of his pocket, almost drops it with trembling fingers and hits the green phone icon next to ‘Magnus’. Seconds stretch out while he’s waiting and then there’s the click of a picked up call. Before he can get any word in, there’s Magnus’ voice snapping at him.

  “Alec, do you not understand what the words ‘I’m busy’ mean? I-“

  He swallows at the tinge of distorted anger directed at him, but pushes past it. He looks over at maybe-Valentine, who’s watching Alec with hope written all over his face. “I have one question and then I’ll leave you alone.”

  “What is it then?”

  Alec’s brain quickly jumps from one personal detail to another, searching for something that only the real Magnus would know.

  “Do you remember what you answered me, when I told you that relationships take effort?” He asks, his heart right in his throat as silence falls on the other side, followed by an annoyed scoff.

  “Why would I remember all of our conversations?”

  It’s enough proof for Alec.

  “Sorry for bothering you then. Bye.” He forces himself to keep up the ruse, disconnects and holds the phone tightly, before turning to face Magnus in Valentine’s body, who’s shaking involuntarily with relief, eyes still focused on Alec, but wet, round tears dripping down scarred skin that’s just not right.

  There’s a shadow of a smile when he speaks.

  “I’m all for effort.”

  Alec breathes out, the doubt gone.

[cateyes-bane]

how i wish the balcony scene went

the awesome @skittycat21  requested a continuation of my fic, 'what I wish they showed us after the party' which takes place after 2x08. But chronologically, the balcony scene is what takes place after that scene so I decided to rewrite that instead according to how I wish it happened (because we can all agree that that conversation was hopeless, also they discuss the suicide attempt in that previous fic so I left it out here).

The early morning sun crept up on Brooklyn almost warily and Alec watched from Magnus' balcony as the streets became busier and busier. Magnus cautiously made his way out to Alec, already anxious that he was anywhere near a balcony considering recent events. Standing next to Alec, Magnus weaved a hand between Alec's arm and torso. He could already hear how hard Alec's heart was beating.

Alec looked down at Magnus' hand which rested on the ledge next to his and opened his palm. Magnus immediately interlaced his fingers with Alec's and turned to rest his chin on the Shadowhunter’s shoulder. He smelt of soap and coffee, and Magnus' heart clenched at the thought of him having to leave to the Institute soon. Alec relaxed into his boyfriend's touch as Magnus leaned in to tenderly press a kiss to Alec's jaw. Normally, such an action would have caused Alec to tense up, but right now it was just what he needed.

Magnus turned back to the city and leaned the side of his head on Alec's broad shoulders. Alec closed his eyes and breathed in the calmness that Magnus brought with him. “How many Downworlders do you think live in New York?” asked Alec.

“I don't know,” replied Magnus. “But they're not all your responsibility.”

Alec let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding and squeezed Magnus' hand. “But you are,” said Alec in a small voice and Magnus' heart broke.

Magnus muffled his mouth into Alec's shoulder, smiling at the boy, and pressed a kiss there. He didn't know what he had done to deserve someone so caring and loyal. Most people would have run away by now – they had run away. But Alec was so determined to hold onto any kind of feeling he hadn't had before. And Magnus didn't know how to deal with it. “I can take care of myself, Alexander,” replied Magnus, only half-jokingly. If there was one thing he didn't expect from Alec, it was the boy risking his own life for him. Maybe Magnus thought he didn't need it, or maybe he thought that he didn't deserve it.

Alec leaned the side of his head to Magnus'. “I know, but it can't have ever been this dark,” he whispered and Magnus realised just how scared Alec was.

Squeezing Alec's hand tighter, Magnus could feel his heartbeat increasing. He wasn't talking enough. And after the incident at the party, that was one of the most dangerous things Alec could do right now. “Talk to me, Alexander.”

Alec clenched his jaw and bore an expression that Magnus hadn't seen on the boy before. Magnus could feel Alec's hand becoming sweaty as he repeatedly shook his head and took several steps back, releasing their hands. “I can't, I… I don't know how,” stated Alec, breathing hard and swallowing air.

Although some would argue against it, Alec had naturally been a very anxious person. He was just extremely good at hiding it. Alec was never relaxed, not until he met Magnus. Whenever he was around the man, Magnus balanced him.

It became clear to Magnus that Alec had never really had someone that he allowed himself to be vulnerable around, nobody to be able to get his anxious thoughts out on. He made sure to be the most composed around Izzy and Max, in desperate need to prove that he could always protect them, that he was the level-headed one. And he just felt downright embarrassed to bring up the issue with Jace or his parents.

“Hey, hey, hey…” said Magnus, reaching a hand out to place it on Alec's tense back. He began to stroke the base of Alec's neck but it only appeared to make Alec more uneasy. He abruptly turned away from Magnus' touch to which Magnus recoiled his hand. A look of immense worry took over his face.

“There's so much at stake here and I...” Alec pulled at the collar of his shirt in an attempt to ease himself. “I can't breathe,” he choked out helplessly and Magnus felt his stomach churn.

Alec stumbled back onto the armrest of the outdoor bench, too preoccupied to take a proper seat. Magnus stood in front of him, reaching out to Alec's shoulder and pulling his head into his chest. “I've got you, you're alright,” he said in a soft tone, stroking the boy's back. “You're okay,” he continued, fingers moving to run through Alec's hair as he pressed reassuring kisses onto the top of Alec's head.

Alec coiled his arms around Magnus tightly, breathing in every bit of him, making sure that he was still here. Alec hated feeling so weak, he was supposed to be the collected one. He felt like he had no right to be in this emotional state now. His life wasn't at threat, after all. But Magnus made him feel comfortable enough to be in this state unapologetically.

Alec felt Magnus' fingers tingling against his scalp and didn't protest when streams of magic helped calm him down. “I'm sorry,” Alec murmured and Magnus frowned. “I know I'm meant to be strong right now-”

“Don't apologise,” said Magnus firmly. “Look at me.” Magnus lifted Alec's chin up. “I'll be honest, there's not much that I can reassure you of right now. But if there's one thing that rings true, it's that we're going to be okay.”

Alec's eyes darted between Magnus' eyes and mouth. He was so close. “You don't know that.”

“Maybe I don't. But I'm here, now, whatever you need,” Magnus said, stroking the spot under Alec's glazed eye.

Alec knew he was falling in love – fast – and yet, it was the most calming thing in the world.

i hope you enjoyed, let me know what you think! if you have any prompts or scenarios for me, please head over to my ask box.

in the meantime, magnus takes alec on his first beach trip.

[singingwordwright]

Shadowhunters recap - s2ep14 “The Fair Folk” (part 1)

SHADOWHUNTERS Recaps Intro and Masterlist

These recaps may contain spoilers from the books (that may or may not happen in the show.) Proceed at your own risk.

Recap and meta under the cut.

I find it interesting that after his rendezvous with Maia, Jace goes right for something that has such strong associations with his abusive childhood. I’m just having a hard time grasping why, precisely. Given her history as an abuse victim, I highly doubt Maia did anything that would put Jace back in that place.

Is it simply because, as Maia herself pointed out, she and Jace have a lot in common, with their need to make a family connection and the way those connections keeps letting Jace down? Possibly, but unfortunately I think mostly it just comes back to Clary, and the fact that Jace is trying to let go of that (in part with Maia) and the fact that what potential he had with Clary was ruined by Valentine. I think that’s the association between Valentine and Jace’s night with Maia; it’s all part of that same process of trying to let go.

Seriously, Sebastian, you have boundary issues. You’ve been in the Institute for, like, five minutes and you’re sticking your nose in everyone’s business. Cree-py.

I am starting to doubt parts of my Sebastian and Izzy theory, given his interest in Clary. I was really hoping the show wouldn’t go there. I’m still hoping they won’t. I’m hoping that the reason Valentine (and Sebastian) now seem to be urging Jace toward Clary instead of trying to drive a wedge between them is because of their Nephilim supremacist distaste for her dating a Downworlder. Or something.

That theory holds some water especially in light of Sebastian’s manipulation of Clary in s2ep12. He kept emphasizing the loss of her family, her isolation, but only as regards the Shadowhunters she claimed as family. He deliberately couched his words in such a way as to negate the possibility that she would have that same level of family feeling toward Luke or Simon, disregarding them.

If we’re going to follow that line of thought, it reinforces the Sebastian-is-Aldertree theory, because this (trying to detached Shadowhunters from their Downworld associations) is a process that started with Aldertree.

On the rooftop in s2ep10, he (as Aldertree) tries to discourage Alec’s relationship with Magnus.

In s2ep12, he (as Sebastian) tries to manipulate Clary into disregarding the family she has remaining, namely Luke and Simon

In this episode, he tries to steer Jace from thoughts of Maia onto thoughts of Clary

In this episode, he intervenes to drive Raphael away from Izzy

In this episode, he tries to torpedo the Brooklyn Shadow Council Cabinet by getting Luke in trouble for trying to kill Valentine

Given who he’s *ahem* “allied” with in the books—and, it seems, in this episode—the hypocrisy here (assuming I’m right about this pattern) is a little astonishing.

“Authority is a good look on you, Alec.” That’s a fic prompt. Someone needs to write it for me, please and thank you.

“Just wait, in a week, it’ll be someone else.” Unfortunately, they have a point, the Institute leadership has only slightly less turnover than a position teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.

However, Lindsay and Duncan are racists and possibly homophobes. *sigh* So much for any hopes I had of making them my fave minor characters. Can we get the lovely, sweet-looking bespectacled gentleman with the dreadlocks back and give him some lines? He’ll be my fave, I just know it.

Whenever someone starts to badmouth Alec Lightwood, a wild Izzy appears, perfectly ready and willing to fuck their shit up. Gotta admit, they had that coming, I mean, did they NOT see Izzy standing there glowing with pride for Alec?

Alec’s reaction to Clary grilling Jace about Kaelie is priceless OMG.

This scene means so much. SO MUCH. It really shows how dedicated Alec is here. Most Shadowhunters would probably not go in person to entreat a Downworld faction leader to attend a meeting. But Alec calls on Luke personally and there’s a tremendous amount of respect in that.

I don’t blame Luke for being skeptical of the endeavor, though it does hurt to hear him call it an empty gesture, because I don’t think Alec has given Luke any reason (other than bearing the last name “Lightwood”) to doubt his sincerity.

This scene. Ugh. First of all, this should really go to Simon but I don’t keep a tally for him and since Clary is encouraging (or at least not trying very hard to discourage and giggling at Jace’s effort to discourage) him, we’ll just go with that and make it clear he’s culpable too.

Clary NO/Clary YES episode tally: 1

Book stans are probably going to hate me for this, but here we go:

This scene made no sense.

Simon going to the Seelie realm made no sense.

It was awkwardly shoehorned in because the events with the Seelie queen are such an iconic part of the book canon that there would be a riot if they didn’t work some version of it into the show.

Unfortunately, the execution was ham-handed. Oh, Jace and Clary’s excuse for going was valid enough, but Simon’s excuse for tagging along (and Clary’s indulging him, and Jace’s knuckling under instead of knocking Simon out and leaving him trussed up under the bridge) was just flimsy and basically turned the whole thing into a game of idiot ball. They acted like the 16-year-old characters from the books, not the adult characters of the show.

This was fanservice done very badly indeed. The writing was so focused on getting the characters into that situation that book fans expected and demanded that it didn’t stop to ask if it made sense with regard to either plot or character for them to BE in that situation.

You know how I can tell this was badly executed? Because this scene was probably the clumsiest acting Alberto Rosende has ever done on this show. I’ve been hugely vocal about how he never hits a wrong note, but this whole scene, including his lines and delivery, had me cringing.

If this were one of my novels, my editors would totally call me on it and make me rewrite it until I had something that actually worked. Sorry, Taylor Mallory or whoever was responsible for this decision, this was just really a cheap way to move the plot along in a predetermined direction.

Magnus is just. so. fragile. It breaks my heart. This scene gave me someone I’ve been wanting (Alec calling Magnus his boyfriend) but it was clear that Alec’s request hurt Magnus and I’m trying to pick my way through why.

Because it’s not an unreasonable request, and I think even Magnus gets that. But this is just not a good time to be dealing Magnus ANY emotional blows whatsoever. Even just jostling him emotionally is too much. He needs a big HANDLE WITH CARE warning stamped across his chest.

But what I can’t quite unpack is what precisely about this request is hitting Magnus right in that tender spot? I don’t think he thinks Alec is ashamed of him. And he knows Alec is still trying to figure out how to project the image he wants to project as the head of the Institute. So what is it?

Is it the wording Alec used? “Warlock favoritism” places a sort of weird emphasis on Magnus’s identity as a warlock, and after last week, that’s got to be a touchy subject. I don’t know. I’m missing something, I think. Clearly this bothered Magnus and I need to know why but I’m just not getting it yet. Looking forward to seeing the meta others come up with on it.

I do like that Alec asked, “is that okay?” He knows he’s on unstable ground. He keeps checking in with Magnus and I live for it. Magnus isn’t exactly being forthcoming, however.

Maryse is just so. damn. gorgeous in this episode I kind of want to die.

I really love this scene with Maryse and Alec. I love how Alec is initially wary when he sees her, because I think that’s appropriate. Usually her presence does not herald positive things for him.

Maryse is staying with Robert for the sake of their political careers. Wow. The Lightwoods really are the Kennedy’s. Or perhaps the Clintons.

Alec’s face when she says “the Lightwood name” is just…wow. Considering what he almost gave up to preserve “the Lightwood name” that is just a hugely laden issue there.

Which brings me to something I was mentioning on Facetime with @roseglass in our post-episode debrief last night. In the books, after the events in Idris we’ll be seeing played out later in this season, Robert gets a big promotion, right?

What if, on the show, they have Maryse that promotion instead? How cool would that be?

I guess I’m just not a big enough fan of the books to care about the Seelie court stuff? I just really found it incredibly boring and not worth the iconic status it holds.

And, again, I’m hugely frustrated with the Clace/Climon love triangle drama. I have yet to be satisfied that Clary and Jace actually have the chemistry and connection to justify all this noise. But in this episode I also felt like Simon was being tremendously stupid throughout this episode, and so I really don’t feel all that bad for him here. Considering how much I adore Simon, I think that says a lot about how badly this was handled.

It’s not just Alberto’s performance that feels forced here. Dom’s does, too. He’s posturing and delivering speeches and it’s just clunky. Ugh.

We get to see Izzy being strong again. Yes please! Now let’s see her kick some real ass. Starting with Sebastian’s, and I don’t mean that playful little throw.

Seriously, Sebastian, the skulking around doors thing? Creepy. Knock it off.

Going back to my pet Izzy and Sebastian theory, the fact that they’re getting so much screentime together seems to support it. So…I don’t know?

So that’s what a fire message looks like. I’ve always wondered.

Seriously, Ollie? You needed help with paperwork, so instead of calling Luke you stalked him to some obscure location on the docks? Surely Luke can’t be buying that any more than I am.

I have a new theory about where the show might be taking things. I’ll be doing a separate post about it since I don’t want it to get lost in this huge long post. But I found making the Seelie queen look like a child was a nice touch, particularly as regards Simon.

See, for those of you who haven’t read them, in the books, Maureen was a very different character. She was something like 13 years old, the friend of a cousin of one of Simon’s bandmates or something, and she was a huge fangirl of Simon’s. Obviously they can’t really do on the show what plays out with Maureen in the books, so I think making the Seelie queen a child who is interested in Simon’s music was a nod in that direction.

I think I know what they ARE going to do regarding Simon’s plotline from the books, but again, that’s for another post since this one is already getting too damn long. Again.

“You look good.” I’m no menswear sartorialist, but according to those who are, he doesn’t, really? Apparently SOMEONE needs to take Alec out shopping for better fitting jackets.

Considering the last two times they’ve interacted, it says a lot about Alec’s commitment to this plan of his that he invited Raphael, and a lot about Raphael that he accepted. I almost would have liked a scene where he and Raphael addressed all that, like Alec making a personal plea to Raphael the way he did to Luke. Or something.

Alec is just being downright flirty here AND I AM LIVING.

I’m trying to get a bead on Magnus’s headspace here, though. Is he still stinging from earlier? Is this difficult for him? That chest bump he does as he walks away from Alec, is that because he’s struggling and working to keep himself to together, or because Alec’s so damn cute and he’s so damn smitten that he’s about to lose it?

Either explanation works, and the truth is probably somewhere in between? I don’t know. Magnus you’re giving me too little to work with here. I need more!

But Alec struggling not to smile is my candy.

“The Clave banned all Downworlders from attending.” You raise a very valid point, Luke, and that’s something Maryse needs to hear, but you also forget you were in the woods wolfing out at the time and wouldn’t have been there anyway. Which in no way excuses the Clave’s excluding you, but the inaccuracy grates on my perfectionist little brain.

Great reaction shot from Maryse there, seeing the sort of cruelty attitudes like hers has fostered.

I’m trying to decide how I feel about the potential for a Luke/Maryse ship. On one hand, I can totally see it happening. On the other hand, there’s that whole thing with whether or not Maryse really deserves him and are we going to consider her redemption arc satisfactorily complete to be able to watch that relationship develop without cringing because he’s just the exception to her unredeemed Nephilim supremacist views? (i.e. the old “I can’t be racist, I’m dating a Black man” chestnut.)

On the other hand, in my fic “One Easy Answer” I actually make a point of starting Maryse’s soul-searching with regard to her attitudes toward Downworlders by having her make a connection with just one Downworlder (Madzie) and using that to challenge her dehumanizing views toward all of them. So getting closer to Luke could be part of Maryse’s redemption arc as long as it doesn’t start and end with Luke.

I’m…really not sure if that’s actually okay, or if that plays into problematic tropes. I don’t think that’s my call to make. I look forward to reading what fans of color have to say about that.

Also, I’m calling the ship “Luryse”, and anyone who tries to dub it “Muke” is gonna have to fight me.

Noooo. Izzy, don’t let Sebastian train Max! Ugh, God. *headdesk*

Again, we see a lot of emphasis being placed on Sebastian’s interactions with Izzy. Ugh, is my theory on the money or not. I need to know.

I do like the costume, makeup, and hair design for the faeries, including the Seelie Queen. That’s well done.

“Don’t worry. I’ll bring him back with all his limbs attached.” In my liveblog, I remarked that she didn’t specify “with all his internal organs in place” without thinking how true that would end up being, metaphorically speaking.

Can we take a moment to appreciate the banners there? Alec went to a lot of effort for this.

Magnus, the whole “Mr. Lightwood” thing could rightly be called overcompensating, and of course everyone sees right through it.

“In time, we will be able to reason with the Clave.” Oh, Alec, honey. Do you really believe that?

It’s interesting that when Magnus reveals what happened with the body-swap, he does so only to illustrate how the Institute failed at keeping Valentine imprisoned, but doesn’t reveal how he suffered as a result. It’s also interesting that he is the first one to challenge how Alec’s sincerity is about the “total transparency” offer.

Sia and Bjork are Seelies. I like it.

“We know when to choose the winning side.” That hearkens back to Season 1 the question over Seelie loyalties, whether they’d be siding with Valentine or not. And it’s just one of those plot points that doesn’t make much sense because both Valentine and the queen are contradicting themselves.

Valentine wants all Downworlders dead (and has killed a whole bunch of Seelies now, thanks to the sword) so why would the Seelies side with him. If he’s “the winning side” they’re going to die. Ugh. I hope they make this make more sense.

Sebastian seems to spend more time chatting up Izzy than working security? What’s that about?

“All Shadowhunters look the same to me.” ROFL

And what’s with Raphael and Meliorn being all chatty and buddy-buddy with one another here? Last week, Raphael was trying to convince Izzy that Meliorn was the killer she was searching for and didn’t trust Meliorn when he said he wasn’t. Maybe we should have gotten some acknowledgment of that?

“I always knew she was going to a vampire for venom” The wording there is very telling. Sebastian has been around for, like, two weeks tops. There’s no “always” for him in this situation, there’s not enough history for there to be an “always.”

Unless he has more history here than it appears.

I swear, the Aldertree-is-Sebastian theory is still a valid one.

So. Gorgeous. I cry.

Someone who was liveblogging during the episode referred to this as the “Maryse Lightwood apology tour” and I absolutely agree.

She’s clearly done a lot of soul-searching and is making tremendous strides in being aware of the damage she’s done to her children and the need to make amends for it. And she’s extended that past just her children; she’s reaching out to others she’s harmed as well, namely Luke.

What about her worldview? In the books, Maryse and Robert are described as being nearly as bad as Valentine himself. That’s how bigoted they are. Now, unlike the books, the show seems intent on actually depicting the process of her taking stock of herself and correcting those flaws in her worldview (in the books she was just suddenly sort of okay with Alec dating a warlock, especially once he adopted a warlock baby.) So there’s that, at least.

But Maryse on the show has referred to Downworlders as “creatures.” She’s spoken scathingly of Magnus as a warlock or Downworlder at least twice in his presence (s1ep12 and s2ep08), one of those times in his own home, which he opened to her, mere seconds after he saved her son’s life. And there are at least two or three other occasions where she’s been dismissive of Magnus when he wasn’t there. The emphasis in this episode is on her mending fences with family and people she knows personally.

However, we do also see here some indication that her worldview has undergone an overhaul as well, in her approval of Alec’s idea of a Shadowhunter/Downworld Cabinet and her awareness that her and her husband’s history as Nephilim supremacists could be detrimental in that regard.

This is, frankly, nearly as much as we’ve gotten from Alec with regard to indications of a shift in worldview. Alec circa s1ep03 and s1ep04 honestly wasn’t much better than Maryse in the way he spoke of Downworlders. There was no real indication his worldview had shifted either until around s2ep09, and even then one might justifiably say his concern was seated in the fact that all Downworlders being in danger meant Magnus was in danger and thus it was really just all about Magnus.

Would it be unequal, and probably misogynist, of me to hold Maryse to a higher standard than Alec here. No, I don’t think so. Unlike Alec, Maryse has a history of actual harm and violence toward Downworlders, as part of her past in the Circle. She has participated in Valentine’s “special mission” raids and the murder of Downworlders.

Alec had an attitude he needed to fix. Maryse has an actual history she needs to atone for. The two are not equal, and thus neither should the amount of legwork required to rectify it be.

As such, can we consider her “redemption arc” complete? Honestly, I don’t think we should, but I also think that perhaps the writers now do?

As a white viewer who is cognizant of the white supremacy metaphor being played out with regard to Shadowhunter/Downworlder relations, I feel like I have an obligation not to be too readily forgiving of the Shadowhunters for their violent bigotry and privilege. And I feel like I have an obligation not to call it out when the writers are too forgiving, and give the characters a free pass on something that really shouldn’t be handwaved.

On the other hand, this show has too damn many secondary and tertiary characters for them to devote too much screentime to the sort of prolonged redemption arc someone with Maryse’s history really requires before she can be considered one of the good guys. There just isn’t time for it; the show has too many balls in the air and really needs to drop a few of them. So I think as long as we continue to see evidence in the form of hints of Maryse’s improved worldview, realistically this is about as good as we can expect it to get.

So, this is an important moment for Maryse, and for Luke, and I really hate that Luke can’t be mentally with her in this time and place, really be a part of this dialogue, because this is an apology a LOT of people owe Luke. He deserves it and yet he’s not really in a place to be able to appreciate it right now.

“We should never have let Simon come.” Well, gee, Clary, maybe you should have done a little less giggling and a little more helping Jace knock him over the head and leave him trussed up beneath the bridge, then.

I like that Clary tried to kiss Simon first. That she even expected it to work, even if she had fears that it wouldn’t. I think that says a lot about how she wasn’t just using Simon as a stand-in for Jace.

We all knew this point was going to come, and as much as I hate Simon being hurt, and as much as I hate love triangles, and as much as I still don’t really buy into the supposed Clary/Jace connection, I don’t think the show could have handled it any better without entirely abandoning the source material.

It’s interesting, Ruelle’s music is sort of being used in the opposite way it was used in Season 1. In Season 1, it was a sort of anthem for relationships beginning. In this episode, it’s used as a dirge for dying relationships.

This scene with Maryse and Izzy just kills me. KILLS. ME. Especially when Izzy calls her “Mama.” It’s probably the first time this show has ever made me tear up.

I like that for all her antagonism with Maryse, and all her adoration of Robert, Izzy is firmly on Maryse’s side here. She just flat-out says “Leave him.” She doesn’t try to excuse Robert’s actions or blame it on Maryse. That’s so important, and it flips the script on how this sort of a scenario would typically play out, I think.

And Maryse doesn’t feel betrayed by the fact that Izzy keeps this from her. Instead, she sympathizes with Izzy for being in that position and having to make that choice. Wow. Just…WOW.

This show does this very well; it has female characters act in ways we’re not accustomed to seeing female characters act. It portrays Lydia as generous and sympathetic when Alec chooses to be honest about who he is, rather than as a bitter jilted woman. It portrays Izzy and Clary as supportive of each other rather than mean-girl rivals. And this moment here with Maryse and Izzy, it just has them both doing the opposite of what I think most shows would have them do, and I love it.

And Maryse specifically making mention of Alec fighting for love, after the way she has been dismissive of Magnus and Alec and their relationship. Wow. WOW.

I had a bit of a cringy “eh” moment when Maryse said “this is all my fault” because of course that’s a typical abuser tactic, making it about themselves, making their victim try to reassure them and take the blame. But it doesn’t appear that’s what Maryse is trying to do here. She’s trying to take an accurate and honest accounting of the way she’s hurt her children and influenced their choices, so again, the scene doesn’t play out the way it so often would.

Oooh it would be so satisfying to see Valentine die this way. I had really initially hoped that it might be Alec who was feeding Luke the information, trying to sneak him and the rest of the Downworld some justice under the table, and that Sebastian’s interference 86ed that plan. Alas, no. Alec’s on the up-and-up here, and I can’t really blame him for anything except arriving on the scene 15 seconds too soon.

So this mole can hack security cameras and delete footage. Gee. That doesn’t sound like something just anyone can do. In fact, it sounds an awful lot like stuff that would require some high-level clearance. Like, maybe by someone who used to actually run the Institute?

I love this moment of dismay as Alec does the exact opposite of what Sebastian intended when he set Luke up. He had meant to increase shadow-world tensions and Alec just fucked that plan right over.

Alec just keeps getting in his way, both as Aldertree and now as Sebastian.

This just breaks my heart. Despite his inconsistent motivations with regards to things like Simon, I did actually buy into Raphael’s affection for Izzy, and I would love to see him have a happy relationship, especially now that he’s canonically asexual. I’m not at all invested in Sizzy (like Clace, it strikes me as one of those ships that really will exist only because book fans expect it, not because it feels valid for the characters as they develop on the show.) So I haven’t been hugely opposed to Rizzy as most of the fandom has been, assuming it could be removed from their addictions and approached in a healthy way.

But that’s the rub, isn’t it? Can it be? (for that matter, can Izzy be in a health relationship with Simon?) Probably not, unfortunately. As someone attending AA/NA meetings, Izzy should probably be aware of that. Proposing a relationship with Raphael (or Simon) is as dangerous as a recovering heroin addict living in a household with another user.

Still, however true, it hurts to hear Sebastian’s poisonous words coming out of Raphael’s mouth.

I want good things for Raphael. I also want good things for Maia, who is going to be forgotten about now that Clace is on the rise. My faves keep getting screwed over here and I’m not a fan of it.

Another note on the Ruelle music: this song, “Hold Your Breath” is VERY similar to her song “Take It All,” to the point where the two of them keep blending in my head.

I applaud Clary for not giving up here, for trying to fight for this relationship. I do believe that she loves Simon, and again I really see no reason outside pro forma adherence to book canon that she and Jace are a more appropriate couple.

I hate that Izzy doesn’t get to confide in anyone here. Can we please not fall back into the pattern of Izzy being everyone’s Agony Aunt?

Seriously, Ollie, what is your story? And why am I supposed to care? There is already so much going on with this show, this feels like an unnecessary addition (though I appreciate the fact that she’s a lesbian.) There better be a solid payoff if they’re going to devote screentime to this. Right now I’m not seeing what it’s going to be, and I don’t want them to half-ass it.

The broken finger was a nice touch.

The hammer. Oh, God, the hammer. Clear confirmation that Sebastian was the mole, for anyone who had any doubts, or who hasn’t read the books.

The diary is interesting, though, and when the shot backs away you see there’s a whole series of them on the desk. Wonder what that’s about.

The real Sebastian Verlac, I assume?

I’m starting to revamp my theory that s2ep19 is going be where Sebastian does a certain Dastardly Deed. It could be as early the next episode.

First, because of the presence of that hammer.

Second, because of the mention of Sebastian helping Izzy train Max.

Third, because it looks like we might me Aline Penhallow in the next episode.

See in the books, Sebastian Verlac is the Penhallow cousin, and he gets involved with everything because he’s visiting them at the same time as the Lightwoods were staying with them in Idris.

If Aline comes to New York and encounters “Sebastian” there, and he’s NOT deliberately posing as her cousin, that’s going to give the whole game away.

July 10 is gonna hurt on more than just the Malec front, I think.

Clary NO/Clary YES Series Total (so far): 18

[sordidpassionsandlockedemotions]

(Malec au-where they both are shadowhunters from birth more under readmore *could make this an fic elsewhere,etc if anybody even wants it let me know*) Part two

It was tough waking up in the morning but he managed it,cleaning up his mess on the floor before strapping on his holster and sliding in his seraph dagger. Tugging on his jacket slipping his phone,stele into the left pocket while exiting his bedroom into the hallway. 

Once in the kitchen he sleepily looked for any coffee hoping Izzy had been nice enough to get some but no luck there. Rubbing his eyes went about making some winding up sitting on the counter swinging his legs with each swing was an memory of the night before. Of the upbeats to his pulse whenever Magnus talked to him,and in general. 

In walked Magnus whom looked hungover and then some casting his eyes downwards to his swinging feet which were slowly stopping. “Morning Alexander.” How could Magnus seem so lively even when clearly suffering from the night before it was so strange at times. 

“Uh morning?” Classy Alec the best words you ever spoke in your life might as well rewrite an dictionary for the language skills you do possess. Scoffing mentally at himself,”Didn’t Jace or Izzy teach you the healing rune that gets rid of hangovers,even I know it and I don’t get wasted.” Daring look at Magnus who some how was put together makeup and all. From the still colorful hair,to the purple leather jacket that seemed to sparkle. 

“Actually no they haven’t which is it?” Hopping off the counter Alec thought about how to draw it taking out his stele tracing an image of it onto his hand to show Magnus. Who studied it for an moment,”My stele’s back in my room-.” Offering his out either was that,or offering to do it and one was more preferred though the other seemed more appealing. 

“Here use mine.” Hearing his coffee finish right as fingertips brushed his hand taking the stele. Swallowing when turned away he quickly finished pouring his mug when the stele was placed on the counter near him. 

“Thanks,it helped an lot.” Alec gave an nod drinking an half the mug just to avoid talking it was too hot for even him and that registered when he finally lowered it. Magnus meanwhile was leaning against the counter,”So your parabati gets back today that must be nice.” The air felt thick and somehow the kitchen was devoid of the usual traffic it had. He would appreciate for even somebody he hated to walk in the doorway however also didn’t want it at all. 

Looking at his stele an moment before back at Magnus nerves still out of control though. “Yeah though I’m more excited for when my little brother gets back tomorrow with my parents.” The other male seemed to smile and Alec felt the slight uptake in his pulse blaming it on the coffee. “But yeah he does.” Hand twitched and the coffee spilled all over their boots. “Great-by the angel-sorry.” Almost turning the slightest bit red. 

Finding an old dish rag was about to clean it up but Magnus swiped it out of his hands,”I can handle it maybe sit on the counter to not track it more places.” Alec did so watching as the spill was cleaned up,and those probably highly expensive boots on the other’s feet-why was he so stupid. “Here.” Taking the rag Alec worked on his own boots. “Maybe be more careful luckily didn’t burn either of us but that could have landed on some parts of me I really don’t want to spend hours lounging while they heal.” 

“Yeah that would be bad-.” Slipping off the counter finishing the remaining little liquid in his mug fingers picking up his stele. Wanted away from the disaster;whatever was going on that made him feel so weird. Which he knew what but he refused to accept it. Tried avoiding Magnus it should be easy with Jace back however half the time lots of turning around,and pretending to get texts. 

Though he had an clumsy moment in the hallway near his room tripping on the air under his feet. First thought was ‘not again’ and the second well it was spotting Magnus who was currently on an tablet probably doing something important. Worst knocking him over and landing on top which naturally led to an lot of ‘no no no no no’ followed by ‘I mean look how attractive he is’ and ‘no wait why are you still on top it’s been ages or really like 20 seconds’. 

“I-.”  “I’m alright so rather fine though hardly any reason to complain.”

Huh?  Why would it be fine? Alec panicked to himself. okay now he should get off right? Managing to stand up offering an hand to Magnus weakly yeah okay he wanted to crawl into an hole and turn into an rock. “Didn’t know you were so accident prone,this one’s appreciated though you look stunned.” 

The ringed hand locked with his and Alec pulled the other male up letting go immediately after. “No just sorry that’s all,not even going to ask why you find it amusing.” Shoving his right hand into his jacket it almost wanted to grab the other’s hand again. “Look I was just heading to-.” 

“Avoid me some more?” Obviously it was obvious you suck at an lot of things Alexander Gideon Lightwood. “Can’t always do that you know besides fairly certain only led to you landing on top of me I fear for your reputation if you avoid me more.” 

Inhaling an finger weakly hung there in the air but he couldn’t collect himself at all. He wanted breathing room,he wanted-he wanted to just say it. Coming back into focus watched Magnus lean against the hallway wall on the right watching him,not saying anything it was too much. The teasing remark-it had been somewhat serious though. “Look I’m just having an off day.” Weak excuse even he heard how flat it sounded. 

“I get it.” 

Those words surprised him but then he blurted out something not so bright. Naturally if he really was going to dig himself an hole,it should be an spiraling abyss that may actually convince the other to switch Institutes. 

“Why did you look kind of messy after the rave last night?” Oh he regretted the words falling out of his mouth. However he just got an grin in return which was not what he expected in the slightest. Followed by an slight shrug and Magnus moving slightly closer,no longer leaning on the wall. “I mean-.”

Rubbing the back of his neck surprised to get an answer,”Pretty sure you could guess,needless to say somebody kissed me.” And was that an wink? It was okay not helping any at all. What was so odd about the way he said somebody too like seriously?

“Oh.” Magnus chuckled suddenly and shook his head backing off. “And you still don’t get it,well you asked if you piece it together maybe I’ll buy you coffee one of these mornings.” 

With that the other was gone and Alec sighed watching the figure of Magnus fade out of sight. Trying to piece it together besides coffee was always nice especially if paid for and retrieved by somebody else. 

[thatcanadianfangirl]

*Alec LightWood* Covered By Hate

Alec Lightwood X Girl

Requested: Nah

Plot: Lily and Alec cover their desires towards each other by hating each other. 

Word Count: 1,852

A/N: this wasn't edited because I didn't feel like rewriting it. I will later, hope you like this.

I rounded the corners of the institute making my way to the training room. Where Jace was holding the plans for the next mission. I pulled my phone from my back pocket and glanced at the time. I swallowed hard as I picked up my  pace.

when I walked into the room I already saw Jace discussing the mission with Alec and Isabel. I walked over quietly and joined them, Jace made eyes contact with me for a split second before looking at Alec.

“Not surprise you showed up late.” Alec barked glancing at me with his sparkling brown eyes. His arms crossed over his chest as he looked back at Jace. I shook my head at him, he’s already getting under my skin and I just got here.

I turned my head to see Isabel a blood red smile spread across her face. I rolled my eyes and turned my attention back to Jace. She always tried to get me and Alec together, Izzy always says we’re meant to be since we were kids.

There was no denying I had feelings for him, because they are strong. I tried seeing if he liked me when we were fifteen. I did it by kissing him. It wasn't that kind of kiss where I wanted more or I didn't have enough of him. It was that awkward what did I just do kind of kiss.

He pushed me away and started acting different around me. After the kiss we were never the friends we had been before.  I regretted what I did, I missed the bond we shared.

“Just a few demons at pandemonium, a quick mission that could only take the two of us.” Jace explained again, I slightly nodded and wished that Jace and the siblings didn't want me to go. 

“Jace and I agreed that you and Alec should take this mission together,.” Isabel finished for Jace, looked back and forth between the both of us. 

“Excuse me.” I said in disbelief.

“What?” Alec asked. 

We both spoke in sync, I glanced at him making eye contact for a couple seconds before I looked back at Isabel. “You and Alec, haven't fought together in a while.” She said as stared at her. 

“you can’t be serious.” Alec piped up, 

“We thought it would be good, for all of us.” Jace said, I understood that. Our skills are a little rusty since the last time we slayed demons. Maybe this was Jace’s way of trying to make us stronger. 

If that was the case then I was all in, even if it was with Alec. I tried with everything to change the love i had for into hatred, but it never ended well. I hoped I could last an hour or two without bursting my undying love for him. How long could I trust myself for?

“Fine.” I said as headed out with Isabel, “Where are you going?” Alec called after us, “I’ll see you in an hour, I’ve got to get ready.” I spoke over my shoulder. 

“I saw Alec staring at you while you were training the other day.” Isabel mentioned as I looked myself over in the mirror. A red two pieced bodycon dress covered the important parts of my curved body.

My sandy hair flowed over my shoulders in tight curls. My face covered slightly with little and improving makeup. I took one last once over of my body before I looked over at her. 

“Isabel I love you, but why are you telling me this?” I asked as I took a seat on her black and white bed. I tired with everything in me to act the opposite. in reality I was mentally scream for more information on her news. 

“Lily. We both now you like him, maybe even love him.” Isabel scoffed confidence leaking through her voice. Maybe she’s right, Maybe I did love him. Not way was I I going to admit it to anyone. 

Not even Magnus’ cat, I missed him. 

“Sorry Izzy, but this isn’t the way to get little Lightwoods running around. Me and Alec don’t like each other, please stop trying.” I said seeing a figure in the corner of my eye rush into the room. 

“Time-You are not wearing that.” Alec’s voice boomed into the room. Was that a hint of jealousy? Or disgust? 

“Alec nobody else is in here and you’re already jealous?” Isabel as her guarded brother. He scowled, “I’m not jealous. Not  for her.” He spoke hesitantly, to as the least it stung like a bitch. Ouch. 

Izzy giggled, “Saw what you want big brother.”

I rolled my eyes at the both of them before walking out of the room. Down the halls of the institute towards the front doors. I felt a  tall presence come beside, “I thought I said you aren’t wearing that.” Alec said flatly beside me looking straight. 

“Alec you’re not my brother, I’m 21 and can wear what I want. I don’t care if you cry, I’m still wearing this.” barked at him with the little hatred I could scraped from the Alec bucket. 

Whatever, you have your necklace, right? That’s the only weapon you're good at.” He said trying to bring me down. 

“Sorry Alec I’m Not Clary, I’ve been training as long as you have.” I said catching my pace a little faster than his. “I wasn’t saying you were.” He mumbled. 

I jumped onto the back on a demon taking to form of a lightly attractive 19 year old. I pulled the gold necklace with a blue sapphire stone from my neck and form into a garrote.  

I wrapped it around the demons neck and pulled, he vanished into yellow sparks. I landed back on the ground with my heels clicking loudly on the floor. before I could take sense in my surrounds I was knocked to the floor. 

My garrote flung out of my grip, My hands we my next defense. Pushing the demon trying to eat my face away just enough distance away. Until  the muscles in my arm gave out. 

“Alec, I would mind any help.” I squeezed, I wanted to do this. I wanted to show these demons I was good as a Lightwood, But my aching limbs tolled me other wise. 

She was getting inches closer to ending my life. I had no other family, but Magnus was close enough.  

She burst into the same yellow sparks as the one I killed before. I was confused until an arrow landed on my chest. Telling me Alec killed her with a shot through the head. 

My head rest on the cold ground letting my whole body relax. I closed my eyes trying to even out my breath. Alec saved my life. 

I opened my eyes to see Alec hovering over me, his right hand reached towards me. His other hand occupied by holding his bow. I mentally smiled at him as I placed my hand in his, He pulled me up easily. 

“Are you okay?” He asked with concern. 

Before I could answer him, his hand slide down my back and rest at the small destination of my back. Alec’s fingers lightly dug into my back gaining grip as he pulled me closer. He leaned down meeting his lips with mine. 

I didn’t responded out of shock and he pulled away, “I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me.” He said just above a whisper as he bite his lip. An unfamiliar feeling hit my lower abdomen. 

I smiled brightly as I grabbed his leather jacket and pulled him back fast. My lips met his in a slow longing kiss, letting all the built up feelings spill into it. It felt as if there couldn’t be better things. 

“I’m in love with you, Lily.” Alec poured out with after we pulled away from the kiss. My eyes widened unexpected for him so say something like that. I played it off my smirking, “I’ve been waiting for you to say that.” 

“I’m sorry I’m I interrupting something?” A slick voice said catching us off guard. I shot my to the left to see Magnus Bane in all his downworlder glory. My smile reached ear to ear, happy to see him again. 

I remembered everything with him, like I didn’t leave. I woke up every morning on his couch, with Church cuddled into the side of my leg and Magnus working on different potions at once. I missed those few days I had with him, But the institute was my home now. 

‘Magnus it’s nice to see you again.” I said as I walked over to his and landed into a tight given hug. Magnus was like living with a dad, he was caring, for things that get caught in his net. 

“Lily you too, It’s nice to see you found a handsome shadowhunter.” Magnus said looking behind me towards the hardass man. I rolled my eyes as his eyes looked at him a little longer than needed too. 

“We’re not together.” I mentioned him. 

“How do you know him?” Alec asked with blank tone, I turned my head to see Alec glaring at Magnus. His arms crossed over his chest again, I smiled knowing for a fact he was jealous. 

“Remember that time Isabel tolled you I went to the Canadian institute for 6 months, because I got in trouble with the clave?” I asked waiting for him to look at me, he didn’t and continued staring at Magnus. 

“Yeah,” 

“Well that was a lie, Magnus took me in.” His head finally snapped to me. I wanted to giggle at how fast his head snapped towards me.  I’m surprised his neck didn’t snap at such a fast speed. 

I ignored him as I looked at Magnus again, “Thank you Magnus.” I said with a smile. “It was my pleasure you were an amazing guest, If you need a place again. Your room is the way you left it.” He explained to me. 

“Thank you Magnus, I not think I’ll need it for a while. but for now I think you can take me a grumpy cat back to the institute.” I said breaking into an innocent smile and big puppy dog eyes. 

Alec Scoffed, “I’m not grumpy.” 

“For you, Anything.” He said to me as his hand flew sideways, opening up a big portal. If there was anything I could do for him I’d to it in a heart beat. 

“Lets go grumpy cat.” I said calling Alec to my side, He shot a playful glare at me, “Of course, kitten.” He said before walking into the purple swirl. Right before I made it through I turned my head back towards Magnus. 

“Thank you.” 

“Darling you already said that.” Magnus pointed out. 

“For everything.” Those were the last words I said to him before following Alec into the portal. It ate me while it dropped me into the institute. I didn’t know how long it would be before I saw him again, I just hope it’d be soon. 

Hopefully I’d be with Alec by that time.

[sapphicalexaandra]

Your Deepest Desires (3/4)

Pairing: Jace/Alec

Rating: Mature

Summary:  The day of the Shadowhunters-Downworlders Cabinet is here, and Alec and Jace must maneuver through it despite their internal turmoil and the divide between them.

Notes: A Canon Divergence, rewriting of the Seelie Court kiss (and beyond), but with Jalec. Read tags for further information.

Chapter 3

“Will we ever let it go?”

It was one of the longest days of Jace’s life.

He did his part, he kept his distance, and it was hell. And he had been through hell multiple times.

Ever since he spent some time on Valentine’s ship, where he had been cut off from everything and everyone he loved, he had hoped he would never have to experience that same loneliness again. The same distance, especially from his parabatai. Being away from him, not being able to feel him, had left him, at the time, completely adrift in the middle of all the madness he had plunged into. A sensation that had subsided only when he had Alec in his arms again and they had been whole again, a new parabatai ritual rekindling their weakened bond. He had sworn he wasn’t to be part from him again, be by his own doing or by others’.

Yet here he was.

It wasn’t the physical distance, per se. It was that distance, plus knowing that it could lead to a more permanent, inexorable drift from which their bond could never be recovered. He knew, vaguely, that had happened to Robert and his old parabatai, the one Jace had thought was his father, Michael Wayland. He didn’t know the reason or, really, much else of what their bond had been, but Jace knew for a fact that he wouldn’t survive a severing of his to Alec. He just wouldn’t.

So, as well as having to block the curious and inquisitive looks coming from Clary, who repeatedly tried to talk to him about what had happened when he didn’t feel ready in the least, Jace forced himself to observe Alec all day only from afar, as he gave out orders, prepared the Institute for their imminent guests, and welcomed them with a secure handshake and a warm smile. The turmoil of the day before seemingly forgotten…but of course, Jace knew better. A sinking, gripping feeling always filled the space that separated them, like an unwelcome, invisible and persistent third party.

At some point in the early morning, his and Alec's paths had accidentally crossed. Jace was coming from the piano room, where he had unsuccessfully tried to put out something of what he was feeling through his playing, when Alec had rounded the corner. There was no one else around.

It lasted a few seconds, them locking eyes, taking in who was in front of them, the abyss in between them threatening to spill out right there and then…then Alec had drawn in a harsh breath, turned around and darted away, leaving Jace rooted on the spot.

Jace had taken his leave – he would only be necessary as security guard for the actual Cabinet –  and went to blow off some steam.

It was like that, furiously punching and kicking his frustrations on a bag, that Izzy, in training attire as well, found him.

He ignored her at first, as she took him in.

“Careful with that bag, I have my own stuff I’d like to unload on it,” she said cheekily, however Jace could sense a weariness in her.

Her words made him draw a last punch and rest his forehead on the bag.

Izzy’s whole ordeal was still new to him, hard to include in his idea of her, to the aura of confidence she had always presented herself with. She was like a sister to him, and he hadn’t noticed anything.

“I bet,” he replied, unable to mask the worry in his voice, as he turned towards her. “It must be a lot. I hope that you’re still feeling better? I’m – sorry, if I wasn’t there for you…I–”

“Don’t even mention it, Jace,” she cut in. “It wasn’t your fault at all. I tried my best to hide it, I wasn’t really ready to tell anyone…”

“But you told Alec,” he said more like a question. He couldn’t escape the way his voice slightly wavered at the name. Izzy obviously noticed that, giving him a raise of eyebrows and a pointed look he promptly averted.

“Actually, he kind of found me…in a compromising position.” She lowered her gaze, swallowing hard, not elaborating further. He could understand; disappointing Alec was also his current nightmare. “But this is not what we’re here for, is it?” she went on. “C’mon…let’s spar.”

It was exactly what Jace needed. If his body moved hard enough, if he had to think about his next move, he wouldn’t have to hold on onto his other thoughts. Or at least he would’ve…if he hadn’t known Izzy had probably already talked to Alec this morning, and he couldn’t just let go of that information.

“So…,” he started casually, avoiding her first punch. “How – how was he this morning?”

“I thought we would only spar,” she said, punctuating her comment with another move he had to avoid. At his begging look, however, she continued with a sigh, “He refuses to say much, so on this front he’s more or less back to normal…and yes, of course I know he’s faking it, who do you think I am?” She added at his doubtful look. “But it’s how I told you yesterday. He needs time. Plus, he has important business on his mind today, he can’t have any distraction, you understand?”

Of course, he did, and he let out an affirmative, if frustrated, sound, as he went on to try and knock Izzy off her feet. She avoided his kick with a backflip, immediately launching for him again. He was glad she at least seemed to have gotten her groove back.

Finding himself with his ass on the floor still took Jace by surprise, however. What the hell?

“Oh, so you’re really out of it. Is this the great Jace Herondale?” She smirked at him.

“Shut up.” He got up, now even more frustrated with himself.

“But really…how was it?” she asked, her smirk widening even more.

“How was what?” He didn’t like where this conversation was going.

“I mean, c’mon,” she went on, after they started circling each other. “If it’s got everyone so shook over it, was it at least a good kiss?”

“Wha–?! Tsk, what are…that is…completely beside the point!” His voice was not high pitched, it was not. How could Izzy be making light of this situation right now, honestly!

“By the Angel. It was, wasn’t it?” She was even giggling now!  “That’s why you’ve got your knickers in such a twist. Have you really got the hots for my dear brother now?”

“That’s ridiculous! And – and wrong! Seriously, where do you even take these things, I don’t have the hots for–”

“You’re blushing,” she noted smugly, as if it made it final. And it definitely did not!

He was definitely not blushing! “We’re sparring! And what are we, twelve now?!” 

“C’mon, we always used to kiss and tell…what’s the difference now?”

“You know what the difference is! It wasn’t really…and okay, fine! It wasn’t a bad kiss! I have kissed many people in my life, I can appreciate a kiss! But, it’s Alec…and, you know, I’m not…” he didn’t know why he felt the need to go on such a spree like that, when he could sense Izzy not believing a word he said, as well as he himself not really listening to a word he was saying. “You know what? Forget about it, I need to go take a shower.”

And he stormed off.

The cooling, calming water of the shower was what Jace really needed. He could already tell the ease he would feel at having the fire that had been slowly consuming him this past day, be finally put to rest. Or so he thought.

Entering the shower, putting his head under the open faucet, closing his eyes, was bliss…for a few seconds. Then he opened his eyes…and found a very naked Alec right in the shower with him. He had a determined, piercing look in his eyes as he gradually, leisurely made his way towards him, and Jace's stomach dropped in anticipation. Cupping his neck with his hands, Alec pulled him into a kiss.   

Jace wasted no time trying to wrap his head around what was happening, or pretending to not want to respond. A rising, burning hunger immediately took ahold of him, and he kissed him back with a fervor that would have surprised him, if hadn’t just lost the ability to form a coherent thought. As he put his own hands around Alec, holding on as tight as he could to his muscular shoulders, till he was literally clawing at his back, the fire inside of him roared back to life ten times more ardently.

He needed to feel more, he needed to feel everything. He opened his mouth with a sigh, and the taste of their tongues meeting was the most enthralling thing he had ever experienced.

He was sucking on Alec’s tongue as Alec pushed him against the shower wall. He felt the aftershock of that contact, as well as the new, better way in which they were now pressed against each other, all over his body like an electric shock. And all he could think about was, yes, this, more of this.

His hands couldn’t stop wondering, the feel of that taut and towering body, so different, so perfect, moving delightfully against his made him want to own it all. His lips were starting to hurt in the best way possible from the way they collided with such intensity against Alec’s, and then Alec bit them. He felt an embarrassingly loud moan burst out of him at that, feeling wrecked to his core. Alec had to make it even worse by starting to make his way with his mouth all the way down his neck. They were both sweating now, positively panting, and the friction between them was causing a new kind of heat start to mount in him.

Jace felt like combusting right there and then. 

And he did, as the abrupt, all-encompassing waves of an orgasm plastered him against the wall, making him weak in the knees…at the same time that he heard the pounding of the door come like the sound of thunder, followed by the muffled voice of Izzy. “Jace, are you done yet?”

He bit his tongue, hard, to muffle his scream, and, just like that, he was back to reality.

Opening his eyes, he found himself under the now-freezing water, alone, mouth agape, spilling himself on the tiles. If the wall hadn’t been there to support him, he would’ve crumbled under his own weight.

Removing his hand from around himself, Jace had to slow down his breathing before he could hoarsely shout back, “Almost done!”

As he heard Izzy's footsteps fade away, he let out a deep sigh. He smacked the back of his head painfully against the wall, the taste of blood in his mouth, as the phantom sensations of his dream came back to him making him literally whine. He closed his eyes.

Fuck.

After that, he wished to keep his distance as much as Alec did. Not that it stopped the longing he felt, like for a missing limb he didn’t have. The rush of blood that started rising to his face at the mere sight of him made only his resolve firmer.

The rest of the day passed in a daze, punctuated only by the panic at having Valentine’s cell be breached. Thankfully, it had been by someone who didn’t want to let him loose, but rather kill him; still, the Clave’s orders were clear and Valentine, sadly, got to live another day.

Jace had been called from his post by Sebastian with the pressing news, and they had urgently gone to retrieve Alec, sitting at his meeting. Jace had felt like he was living outside of his body the entire time they had to solve the situation side by side. He looked at Alec but he didn’t really see him, he talked to him and forgot what he had just said to him. Alec having Luke go free for his betrayal was the only thing Jace could later remember, because he had felt very proud of his parabatai in that moment. He had even smiled at him, but Alec didn’t look him in the eyes, not even once. He was probably living outside of his body too.

When everything calmed down and the meeting ended, Jace was left free to his devices. And he didn’t know what to do with himself. The roof was as good a place as any to mope in peace, but he feared Alec would have the same idea.

Is this our life now? 

Back in his room, Jace hoped he could just go to sleep and forget the entire day had ever happened for the second night in a row.

Except that he couldn’t forget, he couldn’t even lay down in bed, he couldn’t just take this situation to go on. How many more days was he expected to give him space?? He couldn’t accept that.

Despite all the fear, the confusion, the insecurity he felt inside and his own reluctance at the thought of having to deal with what was going on with him, with them…Jace went out of the door to go look for Alec in whichever hole he had hidden himself away.

This is ending now.

He went to Alec's room first, which was unsurprisingly empty. Not wanting to repeat the stint of last night, Jace decided he would track him, and he took a shirt out of Alec’s closet.

Alec didn’t seem to be trying to block him out, maybe because he thought he wouldn’t need it, so Jace found his location straight away. He wasn’t in the Institute – he had probably gone out soon after the end of the Cabinet. Jace went out as well.

He reached him on a generic rooftop of one of the tallest buildings in the city, of all places. He climbed up there, and he spotted Alec leaning against the railing, his back turned towards him, as soon as he landed on the floor. He saw him stiffen, but his parabatai didn’t move further.

Slowly, now subdued at the sight of that arched back, Jace made his way towards him, leaning on the railing as well, right beside him. They both stared down in silence for what seemed like an eternity, not a sound to be heard so far up in the sky. The silent buzz of repressed emotions flowing between them was instead as loud as Jace’s furiously beating heart.

Eventually, he couldn’t bear it anymore.

“I don't want to leave here without you

I don't want to lose part of me”

“Please, Alec…you can’t shut me out forever.”

He knew it was coming, yet Alec didn’t feel prepared enough for when it came. It seemed unavoidable, but he still, still, couldn’t face Jace.

After a sleepless night spent staring at the ceiling of his bedroom, after a busy day having to be impeccable in every way – calm and collected, professional towards all of his Downworlders guests, including his now ex-boyfriend, and firm on his decisions – that same whirlwind that had been awakened in him the day before hadn’t left him alone for one second. He felt like a ship caught in a hurricane, unable to get out of it, unable to turn back, and completely incapable of dealing with its impetuousness.

Only the sight of Jace had been enough to rattle him. He had found himself more than once at a loss of words, his thoughts entirely wiped clean by a blond head passing by, or by a pair of mismatched eyes locking with his at a distance…and Jace had been staring at him from afar almost the entire day, if the constant tingling at the back of his head was enough to go by.

And Jace hadn’t even been the only person he was trying to avoid. Clary as well, primary witness of his shame, he had turned away at the sight of, especially when she had been trying to reach him, surely to talk about his feelings. Izzy’s concerned caring had also been hard to bear, a constant reminder, yet he couldn’t have done without her. Her unconditional support throughout the day had been the only thing keeping him afloat. Especially when he had had to welcome the guests, to shake hands with Magnus, all while managing a fickle smile at the same time that his heart bled. For Magnus’s heartbreak, for his own, for the weight of his wrongness only ever hurting the people around him.

Was that what being a juggler felt like? It was hell.

At the end of the evening, after averting the Luke disaster and disbanding the first Shadowhunters-Downworlders Cabinet successfully enough, he had deflated like a balloon. Going into his room, he had found he couldn’t breathe in there. He didn’t deserve all the luxury surrounding him, exactly like he wasn’t worthy of being put in charge. How had he ever tought possible he could be? He was a scam. He tried to uphold a Law he had so blatantly wanted to break all along. Now that he had actually broken it, if more people found out…they would sneer at him far more than they already did. Maybe he should turn himself in, be exiled, just severe that bond he was plaguing with his mere existence…Jace would finally be free of him, untarnished at last.

He didn’t recall how he had found his way to the place he was now. He wasn’t exactly sure where he was. The roof of the Institute had just seemed not high, or isolated, enough. So, he had taken to the city like an animal looking for a den.

Of course, Jace would find me. He shouldn’t have been that surprised at hearing him climb up. Jace was too stubborn for his own good, just as he was. They would have been capable of continuing this dance, with Alec keeping his distance and Jace wanting to reduce it, forever, if someone didn’t just give in. And Alec was already tired.

Yet, the thought of looking Jace in the eyes and not immediately wish the ground would swallow him whole, seemed impossible, no less that it had been that morning, when the form of Jace appearing in front of him in an empty corridor had driven him into a full-blown panic. If only his heart hadn’t skipped a beat at the mere sight of him, if only gazing at him hadn’t reminded him of when their faces were much closer…that were all reasons he still couldn’t face him, especially now that they were completely alone. Nothing to distract them, no excuse to get away. Alec felt trapped.   

“Whatever it is you’re thinking now – please, my parabatai, I assure you, it’s okay. We’ll be okay…” came Jace’s tense voice for a second time.

That word, apparently, was enough to set Alec off.

“Okay? You say it’s all okay?” his voice felt low and dangerous even to his own ears, as he impulsively rounded on Jace. Why did they always end up fighting this way?

Jace was taken aback, but his surprise turned immediately into a resolute frown. “Yes. I can repeat this all the times you want. If you need me to talk to Magnus, I will! You don’t have to lose your peace of mind, or anything over–”

A bitter laugh he couldn’t contain burst out of Alec. “Magnus? Him and I have already broken up.”

“What?” Jace looked stricken. “Wait, I’m sure if I just talked to him–”

Alec was furiously shaking his head. “To tell him what?! And it wouldn’t make a difference, don’t you understand?! There is nothing okay about any of this!”

“Yes, it is, if you just listened to me–”

“No, you listen to me, Jace.” Something in his eyes must have reached him, cause Jace actually shut up, a vulnerability making its way on his overworked face. “I can’t be with someone who’s not my first choice. It’s just not fair, not to him, not to anyone! Listen, I – I don’t know how much you thought you knew, or what you think you know now, but…”

Was he really doing this? Was he really going to let everything out in the open, after all this time? Was he going to lay himself bare in front of Jace, with nothing left to hide?

If he wanted Jace to finally understand, he had no other choice. The thought didn’t make it any easier. The consequences wouldn’t be any less harsh.

Alec tried to swallow down his nerves anyway.

The silence was deafening.

“I – I love you." He was saying those words to him out loud for the first time in his life…and it couldn’t be further away from a happy circumstance. "I have been in love with you…even before I knew what love actually is. It’s been almost ten years! And I tried – I tried to just get over it. I thought it was nothing much at first...but then every time you, you looked at me, or smiled at me, or – and all the time we spent together, the more I knew you, the more I – and I knew it would never be like that, that you would never…Yet, I could never let go. When you asked me to become parabatai, I was…disappointed, to say the least.”

He chuckled, with no mirth in him. His words were so jumbled, coming out of him one after the other so senselessly, as his eyes frantically darted back and forth from Jace, unable to choose one destination. Alec was sure he must’ve been a pathetic sight to behold. He couldn’t recognize the kind of sensations he felt coming from Jace, however...they were so linked with his own that he couldn’t tell anything apart beside the ringing in his ears.

“But I still…accepted, cause if I couldn’t have you like I wanted, at least I could be as close to you as it was possible, as you wanted…and I thought, I thought the parabatai bond would make me see the light, would just erase what else I felt. But it didn’t work, obviously, obviously. And all this time, because I couldn’t let go of you, I let our bond be tainted by me, by my lies, by my deception! And you – you can’t just say it’s okay! I was selfish, and I was wrong! You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve to have me implicate you like this. And I am sorry, I’m so sorry, you’re the last person I ever wanted to hurt…but I’m afraid no apology could ever be enough, I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I just don’t.”

It was over. He had said it all. He knew his voice had started cracking at the end, but it didn’t matter much at that point. It was done.

He leaned heavily on the parapet beside him, lowering his head as he felt too drained to keep it upright any longer, preparing himself to just go away; Jace only needed to give him the word.

But it never came.

Instead he felt a light, tentative touch on his right arm and he was gently spun around to face Jace again. Was it pity, he saw in his eyes? It must’ve been. His expression was far too soft, not anything Alec deserved, or that he had been expecting. Was this another fever-dream situation?

“Do you remember when I first got to the Institute?” said Jace, almost in a whisper, a strange emotion spilling from his voice. Alec felt incapable of moving even a muscle on his face, so Jace just continued.

“I used to find all these places to hide, where I could go cry without being seen, and you always ended up finding me. You never went away when I told you to, you just kept…stubbornly staying by my side until I stopped. And you never said anything, you were just there. Then when I had had a nightmare at night, you let me stay in your room. You never complained, you always welcomed me without any condition. I can say that you were the first person to ever love me unconditionally, without deception, without gain, you just did. And I grew to love you, too, like I had never loved anyone, not even my father.”

Alec knew all that. He had always known what a piece of shit Jace’s ‘’father’’ was, how badly he had treated him. Knowing it was Valentine now made it worse, but it had always been bad. When Jace had come to the Institute, all confidence, all endearing arrogance, Alec had known there was something profoundly sad about him from the start. The fact that he never let anyone see the most vulnerable, broken parts of him, especially to his new carers, had only made Alec firmer in his decision to be let in. He would be there for Jace whether he liked it or not.

He had never regretted that decision. He never would.

It was still entirely far away from the point, and Jace’s description of what he had done was entirely not as admirable as he put it. Hadn’t he listened to what he had just said? Alec knew Jace genuinely loved him, but a love that was pure and untainted, unlike his. Jace had nothing to say to him that would make things alright for him. He would’ve told him that, he wanted to stop Jace’s words…but he decided to just listen, like Jace had just done to him.

Plus, he still felt frozen in place. He was staring intently at Jace, who wasn’t meeting his eyes. That was freeing, in a way…he could take all of him in as best as he could, until he still could.

“And that’s when I got scared. I was growing attached to you,” Jace went on, while Alec felt the sudden need to squeeze all that pain out of his voice, “more than I was supposed to. You know about the falcon…I was supposed to train it, not to love it. I was just supposed to train with you, not start to rely on you, or make myself dependent of you, or – or want to be close to you. But I couldn’t let go of you too, Alec.”

Jace looked straight at him, and the fire and sorrow and affection he saw there took Alec’s breath away, his heart clenching painfully in his chest, a pain that he welcomed. “That’s why I came up with the parabatai bond! I wanted to be as close to you as I thought I could without making myself weak. I could be stronger with you, I could have a legitimate reason to be near you, and, honestly, even if I’d known about how you felt back then, I wouldn’t have given a shit. I wouldn’t have let anything and anyone, not even you, keep me away from you. I was selfish! Because of my issues I kept you close to me, causing you so much pain, and I didn’t even notice! So, if you are guilty of tainting our bond, then so am I, do you understand?”

“Jace, that’s not the sam-”

“No, Alec. I’m serious.” Jace put both of his hands on his arms. “What I’m saying is that we both wanted each other, and if what I felt was good, then so was what you felt. No kind of love is a deception! You haven’t done anything wrong, you’ve never hurt me for this! And if you’re afraid of losing me over it, don’t be. I will never, ever turn my back on you. You are the other half of my soul, you hear me? And we’re clearly made for each other,” he finished with a joke, smiling crookedly at him.

Alec couldn't even blink.

...was it wrong of him to want to just accept what his parabatai was offering him? To take his forgiveness, his love and his friendship, no matter that Alec still felt totally undeserving of it? What would it say of him if he just didn’t try to change Jace’s mind or to negate fiercely that anything Jace did could ever be considered selfish?

His internal war with himself must have showed, cause Jace went to hold his neck by the nape, as he stared even more intently at him. “Don’t you even dare. No matter what you think, or say, I won’t let you go.” 

And when could he ever deny Jace anything?

Alec didn’t know if he was supposed to laugh or cry as Jace hugged him tightly to himself. As he buried his face in the crook of Jace's neck, he resolved to both. 

Home, was what he always thought when he was in Jace’s arms. It always felt like a small blessing to be able to have at least this. Jace didn't hug anyone like he hugged him. And Alec savored it now more than ever, as he closed his eyes and breathed in for what felt like the first time in two days. The emotions flowing between them were still a whirlwind, but this time it felt much more positive.

Alec knew that a part of him was always going to ache for Jace in a way that couldn’t be, but Jace was right, they were two halves of the same soul, they had found each other and chose each other despite all the things that should’ve ruled against it, and that was never not going to matter the most. “Don’t think,” he felt the need to add, his face still nuzzled against Jace, “that I ever regretted being your parabatai. Despite everything, I’d do it all again, always.”

He felt Jace inhale sharply, and hug him even tighter. “Likewise.” His voice was like a balm to Alec’s ears.

Did that mean that the only thing left was…to forgive himself?

If his parabatai was by his side, he might even try it. 

Eventually, after they indulged in each other’s warmth for quite a while, they broke apart. They probably must’ve looked like a proper mess, tired and over-emotional as they were, but they smiled at each other nonetheless.

Then Jace spoke again, a bit faltering, but with purpose. “I love you, Alec.”

And Alec felt no quavering at the words, had no hesitation in responding, “I love you, too.”

Now it was freeing. His smile was wobbly, but he felt light and full of certainty at where they stood, for the first time ever completely. Nothing would break them apart, not even each other. 

“We should – we should probably get going,” he said then. Jace nodded.

Alec started to turn around, basking in the lack of crippling apprehension for the future.

For the second time, however, he felt his arm be grabbed, at the same time that he started feeling a familiar kind of fire coming from the bond, and he was being spun around, more forcefully than before. The expression he saw on Jace’s face had that same intensity Alec always felt blinded gazing at, but in no time, it got blurred by the hand he felt take hold of his neck, as he was being pushed forward.

When their lips met, the momentum making his mouth collide against Jace’s, Alec closed his eyes. He had suddenly been flung into a parallel world of warm, full lips tasting his own, moving together in the sweetest exchange, of hands holding him close, or keeping his head in place at just the right angle, and of all of that being Jace kissing him.

When he could feel the chilly air surrounding them again, Alec forcefully broke apart with a gasp. Taking two steps back, he put his hands – that were already itching from the lack of contact – forward.

“You – you don’t have to do that!”

He felt frantic, he felt inebriated, he felt like all his nerve endings had just been electrocuted…what had just happened?

Jace looked like a deer caught in the headlights as much as Alec felt himself to be. “I know I don’t have to do that, I just wanted to do it!”