#JUST ONE. PLEASE. YOU DO NOT LIKE CRISES? YOU ARE HOMOPHOBIC?

[hella1975]

i have the same lecturer for both development economics and macroeconomics and one thing about this man is he will yap about the 2008 financial crisis but has there been a single question on it in either module in so much as a mock exam? none to speak of. a girl can only write about subprime loans so many times before she begins to wonder what the point of it all is

[bunnysuit-femboy]

The Worst Wingman - Dust and a Goddess

(Chapter 1 / 3)

Jean x Reader

Word Count: 5.3k

Warnings: mentions of homophobia

Summary:  Jean knew you better than anybody else, so why was he so good at picking the worst people on the planet for you to go on dates with. You were persistent to find a boyfriend this year and you thought Jean could help you find the perfect man, but apparently he loves to watch you suffer. If only you knew the perfect man for you was the one setting you up on all of these dates.

Notes: I posted this on my Ao3 first, but I thought I’d post it here too. So, please enjoy!

First Saturday

Another Saturday night meant another shitty date with another uninteresting and weird guy. You knew Jean hand-picked these dates that he sent you off with, but it seemed he didn’t know you or them at all. Every single date was just another bust, undeniably and irrefutably.

And, this date was just another on the already long list of bad dates.

“So,” Your date said with a smile, “You’re good friends with him, aren’t you?”

You nodded with the wine glass close to your lips. He had asked you the same question nearly fifteen times in the last fifteen minutes. It was as if he couldn’t believe it himself. As if he were surprised, or maybe even a little bit jealous.

“Yeah,” You said with a fake smile, “We’re in the same friend group. I met him freshman year, when I became close friends with Mikasa and she introduced us-”

“How is he?”

“Huh?”

The redhead smiled wide, “How is Eren? What’s he like as a friend?”

You raised your eyebrows and placed your glass back on the table, “Eren?”

The redhead nodded excitedly. He was nearly on the edge of his seat, leaning towards you like a child about to hear a war story from his grandfather. It was odd that the boy had gotten caught on the idea of Eren being friends with you when you had just explained how Jean was the one who set you up on the date.

“Eren is- um,” You looked around the small restaurant, trying to find inspiration for a way out of this conversation from the other diners, “He’s cool.”

The boy is physically upset about your discretion, “And?”

“And,” You involuntarily continued, “He’s- uh, he’s very nice. He-uh he helps me with my homework, and helps me study quite a bit.”

It was all a lie, but only partially. Sure, somebody in the friend group was really nice and helped you with homework and helped you study, but it wasn’t Eren. It was Armin who was the nice one, but you didn’t know Eren well enough not to switch the two names when talking with the boy in front of you.

“That’s awesome,” The redhead said with an admirational sigh, “I bet he’s super helpful. He’s definitely the type to not give up until you know everything, for sure.”

“Oh.” You grinned at your empty dinner plate. “For sure. He’s the best. He’s super dedicated, and he always makes the harder information easier for me to understand. He’ll word it in ways that he knows I’m more comfortable with.”

“I’ll have to join you two, sometime.”

You looked at the boy with furrowed eyebrows, “You want to join me and Eren while we study?”

Boy, is he going to be upset when he finds out Eren is actually an adorable blonde boy with big ocean eyes who’s not nearly as blatantly mean. Also, it’s a bit strange the redhead wants to go on a study date with you and somebody else. Isn’t he at this date for you? But, all he’s asked you about all night is Eren.

“Of course,” The boy said with a smile, “I would just love to see him again.”

You giggled lightly to yourself, “Do you want me to get his number for you?”

Though the comment was purely a joke, the boy didn’t flinch nor smile. He just stared at you with a look of defeat in his eyes and he almost looked angry. His eyes never left your face, his mind not finding an ounce of humor in your question.

His reaction caused your smile to quickly falter, “Do you actually have a crush on him?”

The redhead rose from his seat, “I have to use the bathroom.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, “Right now?”

“Yes,” The boy’s voice came out harsh, “Right now.”

“Oh, okay.” You watched as the boy walked off towards the bathroom. And, once he was out of earshot, you pulled your phone from your purse sitting on the back of the chair and phoned Jean.

The phone only rang once before the call was picked up. He spoke a half-assed greeting above the sound of yelling in the background. You knew he was with Connie and Sasha tonight and you knew they were playing video games from the noise coming from behind his voice.

“Don’t hey me,” You spat angrily through the phone, “This guy is insane, Jean, he’s fucking weird.”

Jean was now laughing, “How is he weird?”

“He keeps asking about Eren.” You took a quick peek at the male’s bathroom door. “He offered to go on a study date with me-”

“That’s nice of him.”

“-And Eren.”

“Oh,” Jean said, “That’s weird. Eren doesn’t even study with you, he’d have to be smarter than you to be of any help.”

“I may have lied to him.” You took a quick swig of wine from the glass and then turned back to the bathroom doors.

“Aw,” Jean said with a smirk, “Poor Floch.”

“Floch,” You said excitedly, nearly knocking the discarded fork from your plate, “That’s his name! I forgot it about two hours ago, but didn’t have the heart to ask him.”

Jean was uncontrollably laughing on the other side of the phone. It wasn’t like these types of calls were foriegn to him. You normally called Jean in the middle of a crisis, and most of your crises these days happened mid-date when the boy did something weird and left to go to the bathroom.

“You’re a horrible date,” Jean said between his giggles.

“It’s not a normal name.” You held the wine glass to your lips. “I wouldn’t have forgotten his name if it were Brian or Nick. It’s his mom’s fault I forgot his name.”

Jean smiled into the phone, “Now, you’re blaming his mom for your ignorance, how cruel.”

You couldn’t help but grin as well, “Also, I think he has a thing for Eren.”

“Really?” Jean takes a moment to remember something. “That actually makes a lot of sense. I met him through Eren because they were in the same chemistry class last semester. He seemed reluctant to go on the date with you until Eren told him he should, then he was all for it. I thought it was weird, but not weird enough to be concerning.”

“It’s not weird nor concerning,” You said sweetly, “He just has a crush and he doesn’t know how to deal with it, it’s endearing.”

“He’s actively homophobic.”

“What?” You peek at the bathrooms and notice nothing has changed. “You set me on a date with an active homophobe?”

Jean shrugged, “I didn’t think about it.”

You shook your head angrily, “After this date, I am coming straight to your apartment and I am giving you a piece of my mind, Jean Kirstein.”

“Oh no,” Jean said with a smile, “I’m really scared, she used my last name.”

“You should be really scared. I’m bringing my baseball bat and everything.”

You took another peek at the bathroom and then checked the timer on the call. Seven minutes and fourteen seconds was how long you had been on the phone with Jean and how long Floch had been in the bathroom. Sure, it could be reasonable, but you still got a weird feeling from the whole thing.

“‘You okay?” Jean asked endearingly once the silence between you two had settled.

“He’s coming back,” You lied, “I gotta’ go.”

“Okay, just-”

The call ended quickly with one press of your finger. You put your phone back in your purse and let the bag fall to the side of the chair. You looked around the beautiful restaurant and tapped your fingers impatiently against the clothed table.

You leaned to your side in order to get closer to the couple beside you. At the table sat two people: one with long brown hair and wide glasses dressed in a tux and the other with short dirty blonde hair also dressed in a tux.

“Hi,” You said to the brown haired person to your immediate right, “Could I ask a favor of either of you? It’ll only take a minute, I swear.”

The brown haired person smiled widely, “Of course!”

“My date, a redhead, went to the bathroom nearly twenty minutes ago, and I can’t go into the boy’s bathroom-”

“You want me to go?” The brown haired person’s eyes lit up with excitement. “I can go see if he’s still in there, or if he’s sick, or if he’s dead - God forbid, but how interesting, right?”

You nodded with a smile, “Yes, thank you, please. I’m sure he’s not dead, but I’m just worried.”

“Don’t worry until I come back with news.” The brown haired person stood up and left, heading towards the bathroom.

You watched the nice brown haired person go off towards the restrooms. You watched them weave around tables, even stopping now and then to peek over diners’ shoulders, looking at what they had decided to eat for the night. They were strange, but in an endearing way - something you weren’t entirely used to seeing on these dates.

“You know,” The blonde guy spoke up suddenly, snapping you back to reality, “They’ve done that a few times on our dates before, as well.”

“Hm?” You turned to the brown haired person’s date.

The blonde guy smiled, “My date, they get interested in something in the bathroom and don’t bother coming back out for half an hour. The first time is scary, but you’ll get used to their curious mind.”

You grinned weakly at the nice man, “Yeah, I have a feeling there won’t be anything to get used to because there won’t be another date.”

The blonde boy furrowed his eyebrows, “Oh?”

“He wasn’t the best date I’ve been on, nor the best person I’ve been on a date with.” You turned towards the bathroom in time to catch the blonde man’s date making their way back across the restaurant with a frown. “In fact, he’s the first date to ever crawl out of a bathroom window to get away from me.”

“I’m sure that’s not what happened,” The blonde man said with a worried glance at his date. You weren’t sure how you knew it, but you were entirely sure of the redhead’s escape.

“He’s gone, dear.” The brown haired person placed a gentle hand on your shoulder as they sat back in their seat. “The window was pried open, I assume he crawled out of it.”

You nodded with a fake smile, “Thank you, for checking. I can pay-”

You reached for your purse, but the brown haired person shook their head, “No, no. Don’t even try to pay me. In fact, let us pay for your meals, it’s the least we can do.”

You shook your head quickly, “No, I can pay for them, but thank you.”

“No, he left you high and dry and-”

“You’ve already done enough for me tonight.”

“-You don’t deserve to pay for a meal you didn’t even enjoy.”

While the brown haired person was distracting you with a back and forth battle of who would pay for what, the blonde man waved down a passing waiter. He mumbled something to the waiter, pointing at your table over his shoulder. The blonde man pushed a small plastic card into the waiter’s hand. The waiter nodded pityingly, running off quickly towards the hostess’s table at the entrance.

“No,” You said with another shake of your head, “You don’t have to pay for a taxi, I don’t need one-”

But, you did need one considering Floch was your ride here.

“No,” The brown haired person continued, “Let me pay for your wine. In fact, have our wine. It’s the least we can do.”

“No, I don’t need more wine-”

The waiter was back and the blonde man finally spoke up over the argument between you and his date. He held two slips of paper in his hand and looked at you both with a small smile.

“Hange,” He said to make his date stop debating with you, “It’s okay, she doesn’t need your insurance card. And, ma’am, don’t worry about the bill, it’s already been paid for, and you don’t owe me anything in return. I’ve been in your shoes before, and I wish somebody would have done this for me.”

“Sir,” You said quickly, “It’s really not that big of a deal-”

“Not anymore,” The blonde man said with a smile, “Next time you come to this restaurant, just bring somebody you trust. I promise, not everybody is as awful as that boy.”

You bit your lip to keep the newly created tears from falling. You couldn’t help the overload of emotions happening in your throat and eyes. You didn’t normally cry so easily in front of strangers, but these strangers were overly generous. And suddenly, you were remembering the last ten dates that all ended just as horribly. It seemed like nothing was working out in your favor anymore.

“Thank you,” You said with a large smile contradictory to the tears that now fell down your cheeks, “I-I don’t know where to find those not awful people, but I really hope I will someday.”

“Oh no!” Hange said as they quickly wrapped you in a tight hug. “Moblit, look, you broke her.”

Moblit giggled with a shake of his head, “I’m sorry I broke you, dear.”

You shook your head into Hange’s shoulder, accidentally wiping the tears on the shoulder of their black tux. You couldn’t express to Moblit how badly you wanted to find not awful people, and how badly you wanted a date that didn’t end horribly. It was just more complicated than that, and it seemed awful people were the only ones Jean could offer you dates with and the only ones he thought deserved dates with you. So, what did that say about how he viewed you as a person?

You spent a few minutes crying into Hange’s shoulder, mumbling incoherently about boys and school and your pot-smoking next door neighbors who are way too loud when they have sex. They listened to your tangent intently, nodding along, as if they could understand any of your words.

Once you had wiped the tears from your face and thanked the couple profusely some more, you made your way from the restaurant. You knew you could call a taxi to Jean’s apartment, but the weather was nice and his apartment wasn’t too far away. So, walking seemed like a convenient money-saving way of getting the whole date out of your mind.

You walked down the street of town, but once you got to campus, you slid the heels from your feet and into your hands. You walked across campus with your shoes balancing on your fingers like the morning after a horrible one-night stand.

Eventually you made it to Jean’s apartment building and found your way to his front door within a few minutes. You knocked on the wood with your heel and weren’t too surprised when the door opened almost immediately. Jean stood in the doorway, still shouting at the other two over his shoulder.

“Hey,” Jean said once he finally turned his attention to you, “How was the-” You swung the heel swiftly into his stomach, earning a surprised grunt from the boy.

“Don’t mention this date ever again.” You said the threatening words with a glint of anger to your voice, but your face was pressed into a sweet smile.

Jean nodded slowly, “Will you at least tell us what happened?”

You sighed, “Later, I’ll tell you, but I know Connie will bully me for it.”

Jean nodded some more, “Later?”

“The least you can do is let me stay the night.” You raised your eyebrows at the boy. “Since you made me go on the worst date of my life with a homophobic jerk.”

“Okay,” Jean said with a grin, “But only because you’re practically begging for me.”

You swung the heel into his stomach a second time, but he grabbed it before it could give any damage. You both looked intently at each other, your eyes glaring annoyedly and his eyes admiring the sight in front of him. This was exactly what you expected from him, this is exactly how he acts after these dates. He’s always the one to pick up and put back the broken pieces once the doll breaks, even if he’s the reason the doll fell in the first place.

Once you walked into the apartment, you left your shoes and purse by the door, right beside Jean’s shoes. You waved a quick hello to Connie and Sasha - who were too distracted shooting zombies to see you - as you walked past them in the living room and found your way straight to Jean’s room. You knew the apartment like the back of your hand, you had been here a million times.

You walked across the small room to your drawer that Jean keeps all of your clothes in for when you stay. You pulled it open and picked out a pair of cheetah print pajama shorts and an old t-shirt from an now irrelevant ex boyfriend. You threw the clothes on his bed, getting ready to change just when the door suddenly opened.

You turned to the door with tired eyes and furrowed eyebrows as Jean joined you in the room. He leaned against the now closed door, physically keeping the others from joining as well. He crossed his arms against his chest, taking in the sight of him - you in your satin black dress you wore on nearly every date.

“So,” Jean said finally, “What happened?”

You sighed, “He crawled through a window.”

Jean’s eyebrows furrowed, “He crawled through a window?”

“Yes, when he went to the bathroom and I called you. He crawled through a window to get away from me.” You looked anywhere around the room but the boy. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Hey,” Jean moved from the door, coming across the room to you, “Nothing’s wrong with you. Something’s wrong with him.” Jean held you at arm’s length, his hands on your shoulders. “Not only did he leave you, but he has a crush on Eren of all people. I’ve seen birds at the park who are more attractive than he is.”

You grinned sadly, “I bet people don’t crawl through windows to get away from Eren on dates.”

Jean ran his hand down the side of your head, “Eren doesn’t give them the chance, I don’t think he’s ever been on a date.”

“But, people would go on one with him.” You finally looked up at the boy in front of you, trying to keep the tears from spilling the second time today. “He’s not undateable. I’m undateable. I’ve scared guys away every Saturday night for the last two months.”

“You’re not undateable,” Jean said sternly, “You just haven’t found the right one. And, you won’t find the right one if you don’t keep going on these dates. Every horrible date means you’re one more Saturday closer to your soulmate.”

“And, what if I don’t have a soulmate? What if I’m damned to die alone?”

“Then, I’ll die with you.” Jean brought you in for a tight hug, your face snuggling into his firm chest. Jean whispered his words, mostly to himself, “I’d give up 200 soulmates if it only meant I could die with you.”

You closed your eyes against the soft fabric of Jean’s shirt. It was hard to trust his words when there seemed to be so many contradicting factors. Maybe tonight was a total bust, but next Saturday was a new day. You could try again next Saturday, and the Saturday after that, and the Saturday after that. And, every Saturday for the rest of your life until you found your soulmate, even if that seemed like a pointless mission.

You’d do it for both you and Jean, it was the least you could do.

First Sunday

You woke up in Jean’s bed with his body close to yours. It was a standard cuddling position for your friendship: face-to-face, his arms wrapped around your side, your arms cradled against your chest, and your legs intertwined. Despite the normalcy associated with the position, you still woke up with a dorky smile and butterflies floating around your stomach when you saw him sleeping in front of you.

Today was no exception.

You grinned ear to ear as you watched the peaceful rise and fall of Jean’s tanned chest under the thin fabric of his white t-shirt. You watched as his lips parted against the pressure of the pillow under his cheek, a small stream of spit rolling from the corner of his mouth and onto the fabric of the pillowcase below. Every Saturday night ended with tears and regrets, but every Sunday morning began with sweet dreams and a special sleepy boy.

You turned away from Jean, reaching for your phone on the nightstand. The only way to successfully grab the phone was to also pull yourself from Jean’s grasp and from between his legs. It was a horrible price to be paid, but it had to be paid nonetheless.

You checked your lock screen, reading over playful messages from your roommate asking about how good Floch was in bed - assuming you had stayed at his house since you hadn’t come home. And, a few confused messages from Eren asking you who Floch was, why he was texting him, and how he was connected to you.

You locked the phone and turned back to Jean. You were expecting the boy to still be napping peacefully, but he instead stared sleepily at you. Your face had been in a grimace from the mentions of your date last night, but Jean’s honey brown eyes quickly dissipated any negative feelings.

“Good morning,” You whispered, “Did you sleep well?”

“Good morning,” Jean said as he shifted his head and wiped the spit from the corner of his mouth. He was hoping you hadn’t noticed the wetness and that you weren’t questioning the wiping motion he made at his cheek. “And I-”

You smiled, “From the drool spot on the pillowcase, I’ll have to assume you slept well.”

Jean’s cheeks turned rosy, you could see the physical embarrassment on his face. He wasn’t the type to accept humiliation so easily, he was always one to fight back. Just his humiliation isn’t enough, if he’s going down, he’s taking as many people he can take with him. So, you weren’t sure why you were surprised when he swiftly sat up, grabbed the pillow, and attempted to shove the wet spot into your face.

You yelped, rolled, and sprung from the bed only a second before the pillow could land on your cheek, right where it was heading. You were up on your feet quicker than you ever thought you could be, your body still feeling the aftereffects of sleep. You looked down at the boy in front of you, the pillow still tightly gripped in his hands and a mischievous smile smacked across his face.

“You little bastard,” You said with a shocked smile.

Jean smiled back, “I’m actually quite big.” The words were meant as a joke about his body’s size, but both of your dirty minds immediately jumped to the size of something else on his body. “In more ways than one.”

You shouted at the boy between the giggles escaping from your throat, “Jean! Seriously!”

Jean shrugged, laughing along at his own joke, “I’m sorry, I had to!”

“You didn’t have to do shit!” You made your way to the bedroom door. “I’m going home!”

“One bad joke and now you’re leaving.” Jean leaped from the bed, following you to the door. “At least let me make you breakfast first.”

You turned to him with an intrigued glint in your eyes, “Will you make me waffles?”

“Sure,” Jean said as he playfully shoved your shoulder, “I’ll make you waffles.”

“With chocolate chips?” He walked in front of you, leaving the room with you following behind him like a child.

“Yes, I can add chocolate chips.” Jean tried to hide the grin spreading across his cheeks. “Do you want bacon and sausage as well?”

“Shut up,” You said from behind his back, “You know that I don’t.”

His voice sounded sweet, “Yeah, I do know.”

You stood against the counter, only a foot away from where he stirred the waffle mix. You watched as he eyed the waffle box intently, then poured the four other ingredients into the bowl after the dry mix. He looked a bit confused as he moved the spoon around the bowl, as if he was deathly afraid of missing something but not wanting to give the impression that he’d be stupid enough to miss something.

You knew where the coffee was kept and how to work his coffee machine and while you waited for it to brew, you watched Jean with a weak smile across your face. He could feel your eyes on him. Jean tried to ignore the weight of your eyes, not wanting his cheeks to go red though his chest was already inflating from the action.

Jean spared a glance in your direction, only a few seconds before the coffee finished brewing with a loud splash. For those few seconds when both of your eyes were held on each other, time seemed to slow. You could read the admirational glint in his brown eyes and he could read the appreciative glint in your eyes. Before the moment could go much further, you turned away and grabbed the coffee pot and mugs.

You not only knew which coffee beans Jean preferred, but you also knew how he liked his coffee. You poured a little bit of his roommate’s creamer into his mug, and then the tiniest bit of sugar as well. After the coffee was finished, you handed him the mug with a quick smile.

Waffles eventually found themselves on plates and forks eventually found themselves in between fingers. You both ate breakfast against the kitchen counter, Jean leaning down farther than you had to. You moved your fork against the softness of the slightly underdone waffles - he didn’t know just how much batter was supposed to go into the waffle maker at once.

Jean suddenly spoke up by your side, “Are you free this Saturday?”

You turned to the boy, “I normally am. Who’s next?”

“I have a friend on the football team.” Jean ignored your initial grimace to the statement. “He’s nice and desperate, the way you like ‘em.”

You turned back to your waffle with a small pout, “Maybe I should give guys a break for a little.” Jean raised an eyebrow at you. “I’ll just become a nun and write off men altogether.”

“You can’t do that!”

Your head snapped back to Jean, “I can’t?”

“No,” Jean said, “You can’t.”

“And, why can’t I?”

“You just can’t.”

A thick silence had settled in the room, the only sound being the scraping of forks against the porcelain plates. You wondered why Jean was against you becoming a nun. You assumed it was because he was the type to fight persistently, so possibly the idea of giving up on something indefinitely was foreign and upsetting to him. You knew he indirectly reflected onto other people, yourself included.

After a few more moments of silence, Jean started walking away. You watched him as he moved across the living room, heading straight towards his bedroom. Right before the boy could get to the door, he turned to you with a single raised eyebrow and a cocky grin.

“Hey,” Jean said from across the room, “Do you wanna go to the bathroom before I do?”

You looked around the kitchen with a confused look on your face, as if the apartment could give you any clue as to what he was implying with his words. You didn’t have to use the bathroom, nor did you ever insinuate within the last twenty minutes that you did.

You tilted your head curiously, “Why would I need to go to the bathroom before you?”

Jean smiled at the idea of his next words, already proud of himself, “Just to make sure I can’t crawl out through the window.”

Jean laughed as you pretended to throw your fork across the spacious apartment. He was proud of his joke, and you had to admit that you weren’t as upset as you should have been. Last night, the idea of your date crawling through a window in order to get away from you was the worst thing that had ever happened. But with Jean, it was just a funny memory.

Jean came back to the kitchen after a few moments, still giggling lightly about his joke he made nearly two whole minutes ago. You ignored his cockiness by trying to fight the smile forming on your face.

Jean leaned towards you, wrapping a muscled arm around your shoulders. Being pressed against his body in this way made you now realize how he smelled. He smelled of a rich cologne of rose and mahogany. You hadn’t noticed the cologne before he left for the bathroom, but it could have very well slipped past you.

Jean spoke from above you, “I’m glad you aren’t still upset about last night.”

“I never said that.” You looked up at the boy, his arm still around you. “But, I am starting to see the humor in the situation.”

“Good,” Jean said with a smile, “It’s not nearly as bad as that guy who asked if his mom could join you for the date.”

You cringed at the thought, “And, I said yes.”

“And, the one who asked for a vial of your blood.”

You shrugged at the taller boy, “At least he asked, there was the one guy who stole my hair scrunchie without asking first. I think he used it so he could clone me.”

“Yeah.” Jean quickly remembered another awful date. “And, the one who gave you a yarn doll of yourself as a first date gift.”

You smiled widely, “I’m nearly a hundred percent sure that it was actually a Voodoo doll. I’m glad I accepted it before I told him no to a second date.”

Jean grinned down at you, only an inch or two from your face. It was hard not to smile when looking at the boy. He was beautiful and reminded you of an ancient sun god. From his tanned skin, to his lively brown eyes, and his deeply inviting smile. It was hard to look at Jean and not feel your heart skip a beat, especially when you were so close to him.

“They’re all funny stories now,” Jean said, “So, that’s good.”

You moved deeper into his arm, “Funny stories that I don’t need.”

“But, funny stories nonetheless.”

“Yeah,” You mumbled sarcastically, “Thanks to you.”

“Hey!” Jean was pulling you into a quick bear hug as you laughed against his chest. “I try to find the University’s best guys for you! They are truly the school’s finest.”

“Then, why do they all suck?”

He didn’t answer your question because he wasn’t sure he knew why. He didn’t know why he threw these horrible guys onto you, under the impression of them being good matches. But, in his defense, it was hard to find somebody of your quality.

You were a goddess amongst mortals and these men could never be enough for you. And, if these men were mortals compared to you, then Jean felt he wasn’t even a mortal. He was the dirt hiding in the crevices of somebody’s shoe, he was the dust somebody breathed in before they yawned. Jean felt he could never equal up to you, but maybe these other guys could get close. And, maybe - just maybe - if he helps you get a boyfriend, then he wouldn’t think about you being a goddess so much.

Next Chapter

[jt-artsandfics]

Hi! I was wondering if I could get a match-up with one of the clone boys ( either from clone wars or the bad batch) if that's okay?

I'm 16 and about 170cm tall. I identify as female and use She/her pronouns. I am pansexual. I have a curvy body and really small hands. I have big blue/green eyes and a small scar going through my upper lip. I have long dirty blonde hair that is usually really messy.

For my character, I have always been told I have side-kick energy. I am an INFJ-t and a Slytherin. I am a very shy and kind of awkward person at first but as you get to know me better I open more up. I love to read and write and have always been considered a huge nerd. My humor is very sarcastic and I tend to make a lot of inappropriate sexual jokes when I'm with my friends. I have been an unapologetic feminist my entire life and could talk about misogyny for hours if someone lets me.

When it comes to School I have always been at the top of all of my classes and I am the friend that helps everyone and gives the answer to tests. My preferred classes are English, social studies, and history. I am also the student that calls teachers (and sometimes other students) out on their sexist, racist, or homophobic comments. Besides that, I am also on the debate team. My absolute dream job is to become a civil rights lawyer

For things, I like the first thing that came to mind was music. I listen to music 24/7 and am never seen without my AirPods. I mostly listen to classic rock and indie rock such as arctic monkeys. The second thing that came to mind was reading. I have always adored reading articles on Wikipedia and usually read at least one before I go to sleep. I love politics and have always loved to talk about and discuss current political crises and the current news from around the world.

thank you so much!

This is the first time if found someone who I feel would match a thought and thought of Echo

Clone wars

I match you with..... Echo!

Echo has quite a soft spot for you when he first meets you. Takes a while for him to work up the courage to talk to you.

Lots of reading between you both it's who ge trs you to spend more time with him and he loves it.

Will run his hand thought your hair taking out the knots while you both sit together reading.

Be prepared for Fives to invite himself to reading night so he can tease you both. 'Ve love birds, held hands yet?'

He loves how small your hands are compared to his. Please just hold his hand and he will be a very happy Clone.

Run your hand thought his hair and mess it up from the normal crew cut. He will melt in your hands.

He loves curling up agaisnt you wirh his chin on your head as he cuddles. This man's body is very warm to the point some times you don't need blanket becuase of him.

He's very shy when you first kiss but he's alot more confident after being wirh you long enough.

Play your music for him, he loves hearing new music and your collection is very nice.

" Cyar'ika, are you here?" He whispers lightly moving thought the dark room. You hum lightly looking up from your spot on the couch.

"Echo?, is that you" you ask tiredly as you spot him at the door. A soft smile graces his lips as he moves to the couch.

He gentle brushes your hair out of your face as he sits down on the corner on the couch. "Hello sweetheart" he replys only for you to wrap your arms around his waist.

He chuckles lightly as you sit up only for him to move his body to lay on the couch and pill you to his chest. "How was your mission?" You ask lightly into his chest.

He plays back and closes his eyes enjoying being close to you again. "It went well, no casualties and minimal injuries" he says, cinnamon eyes meeting yours.

You smile to him leaning up to place a soft kiss on his cheek. "In glad your home finally" you say lightly. It's quite between you both again into he speaks up.

"Do you want to continue our reading session from where we stopped last time?" He ask lightly snuggling into you.

"Maybe another time I'm tired and I'm just glad to have you home" you whisper as he smiles again. "Ofcourse get some sleep"

Bad batch

I match you with..... Echo!

Bad batch Echo is alot more confident, sassy, snarky and sarcastic.

Since you have known him since before the bad batch it takes him a little to get used to being around you again.

Once he is comftable with you again he is alot more forth coming with affection. Alot more hugs, kisses and PDA around people.

Please reassure him that you s ttill love him, it's something thag gets him alot not being the same man as he used to be.

He has a lot of trauma and Ptsd and you help calm the storm in his head. Was bee gentle with him.

He loves having small snark off with you, will pull you into his lap and just rest with you against him while he pilots or works.

He loves gripping your hip with his flesh hand, he's alot more touchy with you now then he used to be.

He loves reading reports and just listening to audio logs wirh you alspee against him or just laying with him.

Echo lays in his hammock set up rocking lightly to the sway of the ship in hyperspace. His eyes are closed as he rest.

Your eyes land on him as you walk thought the door smiling widely as you make your way over to him. It goes wider on your lips as he mumbles something in his sleep and moves lightly.

You are quick to move your face near his. " Echo, Echo. Baby you awake?" You ask lightly. His pale honey brown eyes land on you as he smiles up to you with a tired smile.

You move quickly pulling yourself into the hammock and resting against his chest. "Hey baby" you whisper lightly and press a soft kiss to his lips.

"Hello Cyar'ika" he chuckles arms wrapping around your waist and pulling you closer. " What are you doing here beloved?" He mumbles into your hair and giving you soft kisses.

"Want you to read for me" you whisper lightly into his chest as he smiles down at you. He reaches over to the small table pulling one of the books off it and brings it closer.

He opens the book turning to the page marked and continues reading lightly to you.

[despicablepenguin]

Highly specific manga recommendations please!!!

I've been trying to find a manga for awhile but I don't know where to look. It's like I haven't read a lot of manga so there's so much more to look at but it still feels like I can't find any. It might be because I'm super picky.

Ok, here we go. This is my tastes. Just because I haven't read much manga, doesn't mean I haven't watched any anime so I at least know what I like.

- DO NOT recommend me any manga that has already been adapted as an anime because I've most likely either have watched it, planning to watch it or am not going to watch it and every time I search up best manga, all the shounen animes pop up.

- slice of life hate it. Also, fantasy, hate it with a passion including all fantasy. I think it's this surrealism where I want to place myself in the situation so it can't be not on earth or in a fantasy kingdom but also don't want to live my everyday life. Usually I like things on earth because I can sympathize with them more. I feel like I hear some far away war in the premise a lot and ngl, I start skipping real quick. Of course there are exceptions to all of these but rarely.

- Romance is honestly eh for me. I don't think I can really read romance after reading Horimiya because it's so fudging good and I hate waiting so long for the couple to get together. It also needs some kind of premise besides romance or I snooze. I'm fine with romance in the story but I'm not fine with romance only being the story.

-on a similar note, this is gonna sound super homophobic but I don't particularly like much BL, yaoi, yuri, etc. This is particularly because I can't put myself in the shoes of the main characters which makes romance much more unlikeable than it already is. When I read romance, it's usually for indulgence for myself. That doesn't mean I definitely can not have BL, yaoi, yuri or anything, it's just if it's the main focus, I'm out. Like for example, I'm currently reading, "A World Where Everything Definitely Becomes BL vs. The Man Who Definitely Doesn't Want To Be In A BL," which honestly the story is kind of lacking which I get but also this is going to be a snooze fest if you use the same joke constantly. Anyway, I liked that the guy in this book literally has to navigate a world where every boy falls in love and I think that's hilarious. I also want to watch banana fish, not read it because it sounds interesting.

- Horror is a no. I can't even stand horror movies

- I think I love supernatural and sci fi so much because it keeps popping up on my anime list. From Haruhi Suzimiya, a certain scientific Railgun, assassination classroom, jujutsu Kaisen, kokoro connect, bunny girl senpai. Of course that's kind of broad so that one's kind of hard to pin down too...

- I fudging love spy things, assassination, detectives, etc. I love things like james bond which is why I love spy x family, assassination classroom and millionaire detective balance: unlimited. If someone could recommend more, please do! I wish there was more assassin or spy manga or anime. I don't know why but I love them. Also, I forgot great pretender.

- I don't particularly like anything psychological or if you try to sell me on sadness, i probably won't read it. Now if you didn't tell me, it's fine but once I hear sadness, I don't want to read it because I already have depression, I don't want more depression!!! I like reading for entertainment purposes, not to have an existential crises or to think the meaning of life or whatever.

Sorry this is super long and I think this is too picky for anyone to recommend so I probably won't get any recommendations. I just know that there are a ton of mangas out there that I probably don't know because I'm not in the manga community like I didn't know Horimiya existed until the anime came out and it's so freaking good. I love the friendships and are attached to all the characters and I wish the manga wasn't ending soon. I also love spy x family so much and would binge read it if I could but it's still ongoing. It's perfect for me because it has an esper (supernatural), spy and assassin which I all love. It's also super wholesome which I like since my favorite anime is assassination classroom and it also has action in it too.

I should also say the manga and manwha (manwha is accepted too) I have read although you probably know most of it:

- Spy x Family

- Love is War

- Rent a Girlfriend (dropped)

- Horimiya

- Act age (read until it got cancelled)

- A World Where Everything Definitely Becomes BL vs. The Man Who Definitely Doesn't Want To Be In A BL (caught up)

- supersecret (finished)

- Omniscient reader's viewpoint

- Her summon (dropped)

- I stole the male lead's first night (dropped)

[chaoticfriendship]

This is not hate but how can you support someone like pewdiepie after all hes done? I feel like it's wrong to put him with Jack because sometimes i feel like jacks his friend only because he feels he needs to because of the shoutout. Don't stan him with Jack or associate him with him please. Pewdiepie is a bad influence and a white supremacist

Ok. Let’s talk. I was going to ignore this but you’re really persistent. This is the fifth ask you have sent me telling me the same thing but in different ways. Sad thing is that I just started this blog, I can’t believe this keeps happening to me in every fandom I go to. Some of you need to understand something about Felix.

Yes, I’m aware he did a lot of questionable things. And no, he’s not a white supremacist. He’s not racist. And he’s not homophobic or whatever Twitter/the media is saying about him these days. I might not know him personally but I’ve been watching Felix since the very beginning and even with this little info about his life I can tell the difference between some things people choose to ignore about him. He’s a very honest person and he always tells everyone the information they need to know about him, whether it is about his personal life or his pewdiepie persona. His real actual friends (Jack, Ken, Mark -also good people, and whether you like it or not, Jack is one of them) held him accountable for the things he did and also made sure to assure everyone that the ‘Pewdiepie’ personality is totally different than his real-self. They confirmed he’s not any of his mistakes. Meaning the ‘Pewdiepie’ personality got too far and the facade/entertainment mask fell off of him when he made those mistakes. This was not only a lesson for him but it showed him places that needed real improvement in his life, something we all need sometimes. We all fall short in understanding the potential harm we can do to others and we easily face the temptation to define ourselves by ignoring those crucial parts. What Felix needed to learn was self-awareness. And he’s now constantly working on it so he can objectively evaluate himself when it comes to those things. Some people face this alone and privately but, him, as an internet sensation had to do it on camera.  

Pay attention to what his actual friends say about him. Jack himself said it:

‘It is strange, all the stuff that gets said about him, it’s kind of weird to see that being said about a friend of yours. To hear his actual thoughts on it…people like to take things every which way and twist things all over the place. I don’t know how he does it, with that many people on you and that much scrutiny on you constantly. I think I would have lost my mind by now.’

I’m also aware he’s a white rich guy and that he’s a step up on the scale from me and other people but I’m sure that if I dig long enough, I’m going to find something about certain actors/actresses/musicians (that most likely you and other people love) as well. Meaning they’re human at the end of the day and they might make mistakes too. Felix is the same case here.

It was dumb to say certain things and do certain things? YES. I held him accountable when he did those things. He didn’t need to say or do the things he did. It was irresponsible, harmful and immature from his part. However, he’s willing to make a change and work on it so this is something I can appreciate. 

He did the fivver video. This is his statement:

‘I make videos for my audience. I think of the content that I create as entertainment, and not a place for any serious political commentary. I know my audience understand that and that is why they come to my channel. Though this was not my intention, I understand that these jokes were ultimately offensive. I think it’s important to say something and I want to make one thing clear: I am in no way supporting any kind of hateful attitudes.’

his response.

He said the ‘n’ word. He sincerely apologized. This is his statement:

‘I hate how I personally fed into that part of gaming. It was something that was said in the heat of the moment. I said the worst word I could possibly think of and it slipped out. I’m not going to make excuses to why I did it because there are not excuses for it. I’m dissappointed in myself because it seems like I learned nothing from controversies. And it’s not like I think I can do or say whatever I want and get away with it. I’m just an idiot but that doesn’t make what I said or how I said it okay. It was not okay. I’m really sorry If I offended, hurt or disappointed anyone with all of this. Being in the position I am, I should know better. I know I can’t keep messing up like this and I owe it to my audience and to myself to do better than this. I really want to improve and better myself, not just for me but for anyone that looks up to me or anyone that is influenced by me and that’s how I wanna move forward. Away from this.’

source: my response. 

He:

Held himself accountable.

Made no excuses for his behaviour.

Recognized he did something wrong and stupid.

Sincerely apologized for it without making a fake act or fake crying for sympathy.

Never asked for sympathy or support because he's willing to make a real change in behavior. 

Realized some people are influenced by him and worked to be better for them and himself.

Chose to be himself and stand his ground on an important matter to make his audience understand he was taking this as serious as it is. 

Understood he gave ammunition that feeds some people the wrong idea and didn’t try to rationalize it because he knows he should take accountability for it. 

Saw that he had no need for jokes or words like that in his vocabulary in the first place and worked on self-control.

Rightfully feels ashamed for his actions. 

Here you can see Felix takes this seriously. He’s not messing around with what happened. He takes it with the responsibility it should be taken. 

And this is enough for me. I’m sorry if you think Felix needs to do a blood sacrifice to prove himself but that’s just not how it works. 

We all have said or done things we are not proud of. He did many of them and trust me, he was held accountable for them. How? Here’s a list of the consequences:

He was part of the original content network YouTube Red, and was affiliated with Disney’s MakerStudios brand where he had his own network. Disney cut all ties with him.

They cancelled his YouTube Red show, where a lot of people put big effort (not only the participants but the crew members). You can see that this was important for him. It was not just some random ass show.

Was held accountable for his actions and it was made known every mistake he did. Every single one.  

Received the proper criticism from the media, his fans and his own friends.

He also received harsh backlash and hate from the situation.

Lost support from followers, celebrities, friends and companies. 

He’s constantly attacked by people and media outlets on a daily basis. Some people even fabricate false stories about him.

He faced the proper consequences for those actions. Let him move on already.

You also listed a bunch of stuff in one of your asks, things he’s NEVER done. Those are things the media has made you and everyone else believe he did but he didn’t. This is why you should never believe any random media headline, you need to actually do your own research to see if that’s true or not. Here are the things you said he did (none of these are true): 

No, he hasn’t hired people to say the ‘n’ word. This is not true at all.

No, he doesn’t promote Adolf Hitler speeches and anti-semitic cartoons. Disney did once tho.

No, he’s not homophobic. At all. He was actually evicted from his own flat because his previous landlord is an actual homophobic person and called him and his crew the ‘f’ word. He decided to move far away from the guy. 

No, he didn’t perform the Nazi heil. Never. 

No, he didn’t pay the ‘Jesus’ guy to hold a sign that says ‘Hitler did nothing wrong’ this is a lie. Someone else did it and the media said it was him to cause more controversy. He paid him to say ‘Subscribe to Jacksepticeye’. 

No, he’s not racist. For this, his content would’ve to be filled with racial jokes and actual intentional attacks daily. His content is not like that, trust me, the most he does is play with some tambourine all the time. He’s said the ‘n’ word (something he admitted was terrible, apologized for it and took responsibility for his words), yes but someone that feels as bad and ashamed as he does, does not equal to what an actual racist is and how they act. 

No, he didn’t dress up in a Klansman robe. He never did that. This is also false information about him. 

No, he doesn’t bully his friends or enables bullying. I don’t know where the media got that one but I can assure you they’ve got no friends if they think his interactions with his own friends are ‘bullying’. 

No, he doesn’t joke about crises happening around the world. AT ALL. He constantly raises money for them (and gives his own money as well) to different causes such as the Wildfires Emergency Appeal, Team Trees (to plant 20 million trees), St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital (for kids with diseases such as cancer), Crisis Text Line, National Alliance on Mental Illness (a group that helps those suffering from mental illness), CRY (a GoFundMe campaign to help Indian children living in poverty), World Wildlife Fund (dedicated to the reduction of mankind’s environmental impact), RED (did a whole 7 hour livestream with friends to help people fighting HIV/AIDS in Africa), Charity: Water (a non-profit that provides drinking water to developing nations), Save the Children (for underprivileged kids to give them better education, healthcare, better economic opportunities), he recently raised $106,000 for the BLM movement donating the contributions to the family of George Floyd and other victims of police violence, Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, Hope for Holt, Malaria No More, Oceana, SpecialEffect, War Child, etc. Does this sound like someone who makes fun of real problems happening around the globe? No. And no, he hasn’t made fun of those causes either. 

No, he doesn’t make fun of mental illnesses. He talks about it with the proper respect and delicacy it deserves. He constantly adresses mental health, shares resources for viewers who may be struggling and talks about the importance of being aware and getting legitimate help. Where are you taking these facts from?

No, he doesn’t support China’s police brutality. He was BANNED from China for critizing the president and the country’s treatment of Hong Kong’s anti-government protests. How hard is it to watch the real video instead of trusting some Susan from Twitter? 

No, he has NEVER disrespected Japanese culture. Felix loves Japan and respects their culture. He always treats the people and the place with utter respect. 

He’s not a white supremacist or a secret Nazi. Are you insane? He’s said it himself ‘f*** anyone who is racist and anyone who is a white nationalist. That’s not what I’m about. And that’s not what my channel has been about either.’ Maybe if you think about it, the media painted him that way and people decided to go with it because they don’t actually watch his videos. The number of accusations and stories are insane and ridiculous. Have you ever watched one of his videos? Ever? Because if you would’ve, you would know none of these things are true. 

No, he doesn’t encourage kids/teens to see and follow Nazi ethics. He recommended a channel that does anime reviews (he didn’t know the channel had pro white-supremacy videos). You’re accusing him of that for not checking the thousand-something videos said channel has because he liked one anime review? This is reaching to a whole new degree. You could’ve randomly watched the same anime review vid, does that make you a Nazi as well? And NO, he didn’t wear an Iron Cross, he was wearing a Georgian Bolnisi cross. The shirt is by the Georgian designer Demna Gvasalia. Use Google please. 

I don’t think you’re a real Jacksepticeye fan if you think he’s sticking up for him only because of a shout-out that happened years ago. Extend your perspective in this. He knows him in real-life. He’s his best friend. He can tell he’s not a bad person. This is not a hard thing to figure out. 

Also, you forgot to put the anon option in one of your asks, so I know who you are. Weren’t you joking about WW3, using the ‘r’ word to fight with your followers and making fun of the BLM movement a few months ago on your twitter account? It might not look like it’s possible but we’ve also made and are capable of making some of the same mistakes too. The difference is that some of you hide behind the ‘it’s just humor to cope with life’ gen z card. Joking about a serious important movement is harmful as well, hope you can learn that. 

I can’t tell you how to emotionally react to his content, however I can advise that if it bothers you that much you should remove yourself from the environment that revolves around him (if you even watch his videos which I highly doubt) if you’re not willing to give him a chance. You also need to remember that forgiveness is private and personal, just because you don't see his content and can't see that change doesn't mean it's not happening. There’s power in understanding.

[adorpheus]

on fujoshi and fetishization

Lately, more and more, both here on tumblr and on other sites, I keep seeing people spew unfiltered hatred at fujoshi - that is, women who like mlm content such as gay fanfic and fanart featuring men with other men. And I don’t mean like a specific type of fujoshi, like the ones who are genuinely being weird about it, but just like a general hatred for girls (but especially straight identifying girls) who express love for gay romance.

I hate to break this to you all, but women (including straight women!) actually are allowed to like mlm fanfiction and fanart, even enthusiastically so. A woman simply expressing her love of gay fanfic, even if it is in kind of a cringey way or a way that you personally don’t like, is NOT automatically fetishization.

I’ve been on the receiving end of fetishization for my entire life, from a very young age, as many black and brown folx have, so I consider myself pretty well acquainted with how it works. Fetishization isn’t just like, being really into drawings of boys kissing, or whatever the fuck y’all are trying to imply on this god forsaken site. 

Fetishization is complicated imo, and can encompass a lot of things, such as (but not limited to):

1 - dehumanization, e.g. viewing a group of people as sexual objects who exist purely for entertainment purposes, rather than acknowledging them as actual people who deserve respect and rights

and

2 - projecting certain assumptions onto said people based on their race/sexuality/whatever is being fetishized. These assumptions are often, but not always, sexual in nature (like the idea that black people in general are more sexual than other races, etc etc etc).

I’m going to use myself as an example to illustrate my point. Please note this isn’t the best or most nuanced example, but it is the most simplistic. A white person finding me attractive and respectfully appreciating my black features as part of what makes me beautiful is not, on its own, fetishization. A white person finding me attractive solely or mostly because I’m a PoC is now in fetishization territory. Similarly, assuming I’m dominant because of my blackness (like saying “step on me mommy” and shit like that) is hella fetishistic. 

That being said, theres definitely a difference between how fetishization works in real life with real people, and how it shows up in fandom. 

Fetishization manifests in many different ways in fandom, but most commonly on the mlm side of things, I personally see it appear as conservative (or centrist) women who love the idea of two men together, but don’t actually like gay people, and don’t necessarily think LGBT+ people deserve rights (or “special treatment” as its sometimes dog whistled). These women view queer men as sexual objects for entertainment rather than an actual group of people who deserve to be protected from systemic oppression. I’ve noticed that they often don’t even think of the men they “ship” together as actually being gay, and may even express disgust at the idea of a character in an mlm ship being headcanon’d gay. In case its not obvious, this is pretty much exactly the same way a lot of cishet men fetishize lesbians (they see “lesbian” as a porn category, rather than like, what actual LGBT people think of when we read the word lesbian). There’s a pretty popular viral tweet thread going around where someone explains seeing this trend of conservative women who like mlm stuff, and I have also personally witnessed this phenomenon myself in more than one fandom. 

The funny thing is, maybe its just me buuuut.... The place I see this particular kind of fetishization happen most is not in the anime/BL fandom, from which the term fujoshi originates - I actually see these type of women way way more in western fandom spaces like Supernatural, Harry Potter, and Hannibal. I can’t stress this enough, there’s a shocking amount of people who are like, straight up trump supporters in these fandoms. If you want to experience it, try joining a Hannigram or Destiel group on facebook and you will probably encounter one eventually especially if you happen to be living through a major historical event. Like these women probably wouldn’t even be considered “fujoshi”, because that term doesn’t really apply to them given they aren’t in the BL/anime fandom, yet they’re the ones I personally see actually doing the most harm.

Of course this isn’t the ONLY kind of fetishizing woman in the mlm/BL world, there are other ways fetishization shows up, but this is the most toxic kind that I see.

A girl just being really into BL or whatever may be “cringe” to you, or she may be expressing her love for BL in a “cringey” way, but a straight woman really enjoying BL is not, on its own, somehow inherently fetishization. Yes, sometimes teenage girls act kind of cringe about how much they like BL and that might be annoying to you, but its not necessarily ~problematic~. 

That being said, IT NEEDS BE REMARKED that a lot of the “fujoshi” that you all hate so deeply, are actually closeted trans men or nonbinary people who haven’t yet come to terms with their gender identity, or are otherwise just NOT cishet. I know because I was one of these closeted people for years, and I honestly think tumblr and the cultural obsession around purity is one of the many reasons I was closeted so deeply for so long. STORYTIME LOL!!! In my early adolescence, I was a sort of proto “fujoshi”. I identified as a bi girl who was mostly attracted to men, or as most (biphobic) people called it, “practically straight”. I wrote and read “slash” fanfic and looked at as well as drew my own fanart. We didn’t use the term fujoshi back then, but that’s definitely how I could have been described. I was obsessed with yaoi, BL, whatever you want to call it, to a cringe-inducing degree. I really struggled to relate to most het romances, so when I first discovered yaoi fanfics (as we called them at the time), I fell in love and felt like I finally found the type of romance content that was made for me. I didn’t know exactly why, I just knew it hit different. LGBT+ fanart and fanfiction brought me an immense amount of joy, and I didn’t really think too hard about why.

At some point, in my early 20s, after reading lots of discourse™ here on tumblr and other places like twitter, I started to get the sinking feeling that my passion for gay fanfiction was ~problematic~. I had always felt a sense of guilt for being into mlm content, because literally anyone who found out I liked BL (especially the men I dated) shamed me for liking it all the fucking time (which btw is literally just homophobic, like can we talk about that?). In addition to THAT bullshit, now I’m seeing posts telling me that girls who like BL are cringey gross fetishists who inspire rage and should go die? 

Let me tell you, I internalized the fuck out of messages like this. I desperately wanted to avoid being ~problematic~. At the time, I thought being problematic was like the worst thing you could be. I was terrified of being “cancelled”, before canceling was even really a thing. I thought to myself, “oh my god, I’m gross for liking this stuff? I should stop.” I beat myself up over this. I wanted so badly to be accepted, and to be deemed a Good Person by the internet and society at large.

I tried to shape up and become a good ally (lmfao). I stopped writing fanfic and deleted all the ones I was working on at the time. I made a concerted effort to assimilate into cishet culture, including trying to indulge myself more deeply in the few fandoms I could find that had het content I did enjoy (Buffy, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, etc). I would occasionally look at BL/fanfic/etc in private, but then I would repress my interest in it and not look for a while. Instead I would look at women in straight relationships, and create extremely heterosexual Couple Goals pinterest boards, and try to figure out how I could become more like these women, so I, too, could be loved someday. 

This cycle of repression lasted like eight years. Throughout it all, I was performing womanhood to the best of my ability and trying to become a woman that was worthy of being in a relationship. I went in and out of several “straight” relationships, wondering why they didn’t make me feel the way reading fanfic did. Most of all, I couldn’t figure out why straight intimacy didn’t work for me. I just didn’t enjoy it. I always preferred looking at or making gay fanfiction/fanart over actual intimacy with men in real life. 

Eventually, I stumbled upon a trans coming out video that someone I was following posted online, my egg started to crack, and to make an extremely long story short, after like 3 years of introspection and many gender panic attacks that I still experience to this day, I realized that I’m uh... MAYBE... NOT CIS..!? :|

I truly believe if I had just been ALLOWED TO LIKE GAY STUFF WITHOUT BEING SHAMED FOR IT, I probably would have realized I was trans way way sooner. Because for me, indulging in my love of gay romance and writing gay fanfic wasn’t me being a weirdo fetishist, it was actually me exploring my own gender identity. It is what helped me come to terms with being a nonbinary trans boy.

Not everyone realizes they are trans at age 2 or whatever the fuck. Sometimes you have to go through a cringey fujoshi phase and multiple existential crises to realize how fucking gay you are AND THATS FINE.

And one more thing - can we just be real here? 

A lot of anti-fujoshi sentiment is literally just misogyny. omg please realize this. Its “women aren’t allowed to enjoy things” but, like... with gay fanfics. Some of the anti-fujoshi posts I see come across my dash are clearly ppl projecting a caricature they invented in their head of a demonic fujoshi fetishist onto any woman who expresses what they consider to be a little too much enthusiasm for gay content and then using their perception of that individual as an excuse to justify their disdain for any women, especially straight women, ‘invading’ their ~oh so exclusive~ queer fandom spaces.

 god get over yrselfs this is gatekeeping by another name

idk why i spent so long writing this no one is even going to read it, does anyone even still use this site

*EDIT: HOLY SHIT WHEN DOING RESEARCH FOR THIS POST I FOUND OUT THAT Y-GALLERY IS BACK OMG!!! 

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Jealousy (5) Masterlist

Links Last Checked: November 17th, 2024

part one, part two, part three, part four

An Introspective Beat (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: In an airport in Australia, someone tries to sell Phil some cologne and Dan gets a little handsy.(aka, Phil gets hit on and shades of a jealous Dan.)

Come Get It (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: In a twist of fate, Phil meets Dan- the mysterious and beautiful dominant figure Phil has always desired in a partner. But when Dan introduces him to the crazy world of BDSM, Phil realises he still has to come a long way in order to appease Dan. The question still remains- can Phil give Dan everything he wants? And is this truly what he needs anyway?

don't like the way he's looking at you (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: phil gets jealous

he's mine (ao3) - plinth_of_life

Summary: When Dan leaves a hickey on Phil's neck and the mark ends up in an AmazingPhil video, the two grapple with leaving their mark on the internet.

I’ll wait for you (ao3) - winstonlives

Summary: Phil needs time. Dan understands, so he books separate rooms.

In Which Dan Is A Bit Jealous (ao3) - Stormendale

Summary: Phil goes on a date to make Dan jealous, and, well, it works.

Jealous Boyfriend (ao3) - tol_but_smol

Summary: Pastel!Dan and Punk!Phil are shopping when a sales associate starts to flirt with Dan.

Just Friends (ao3) - justhavesex

Summary: They’re just childhood best friends. Nothing more. No, really.

kick with the fray (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: Phil will laugh about this later. Maybe. Probably. (Not.)

Maybe it was always you and i. (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: based off this instagram post i saw that says; “straight guy worries he’s being homophobic to gay roommate, realizes he’s fallen in love with him. plot twist it turns out i dont have a problem with alex kissing guys if its me he is kissing” But with Phan

not your fault that they hover (ao3) - snsk

Summary: When Nick found out he was going to London in June, he acquired Dan’s number from the BBC, who were quite happy about giving people their employees’ private and personal information as long as said people were super famous and appealed to their teenage demographic and could squeeze in an interview with Nick Grimshaw the next time they were in town.(for the anon who requested: I may or may not be requesting a jealous-phil fic based on that little tryst with nick j. Please. For your 30-min series.)

only mine, entirely (ao3) - dayevsphil

Summary: Dan is naturally a jealous person, and even idle comments are getting to him these days. Amnesia AU timestamp.

Practice Makes Perfect (ao3) - winstonlives

Summary: Phil said he would paint Dan’s nails in a live show, and doesn’t think much of it until Dan finds someone else to do it. Dan is surprised and amused at Phil’s reaction.

prickle on the skin, ache in the heart (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: phil smiles wider, brighter. every day. every day, dan falls in love again.

he can’t help but be a little jealous, not being able to say

Slipping (ao3) - rainbowchristy

Summary: Dan can't hold his alcohol and gets a little too touchy-feely with Pj. Luckily Phil's there to teach him a lesson.

strangers waiting, looking down the boulevard (ao3) - nqkedbooths

[21:37 ] Unknown: Hey, I heard you were short of some change but offered certain services - I’ll pay you for one night with me; no strings attached, nothing dangerous.

[21:39] Dan: i’m sorry, but do i look like a fucking prostitute?

[21:40] Unknown: Wait, who are you?

The Essence of an Absence - ravehowell

Summary: Dan has a dumb crush on an oblivious best friend, a poetry blog and a boyfriend that doesn’t exist. (Dan also learns how to lie to Phil and can’t tell when to stop.)

You Took My Hand (And Then We Both Started Running) (ao3) - rainbowchristy

Summary: A series of moments from Dan and Phil's lives, from their first meeting as kids to mid-life crises.

you wear the moon like a halo (ao3) - ohyellowbird

Summary: When Phil blinks open, his vision blurry, there is a shape at the foot of his bed.He jumps as much as one can when sitting on a mattress. “Stop that!” Phil shrills, pushing his glasses back up his nose for a better look. “One of these days I’m going to have five actual heart attacks because of you.”he shadow at the foot of his bed is not looming in a menacing way but simply standing there, illuminated by the bedroom window against the opposite wall. It is tall and broad-shouldered, like the one Phil had seen just after moving in. “Hi there,” he says quietly, wary that it–he–might spook and disappear.

[smashy-headcanons]

Blog Rules

Some of these are more strict than others, but this is just a framework to make running the blog easier.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

No NSFW content allowed. Not everyone is comfortable with NSFW content. I’m not super comfortable with it either, aside from the occasional light joke. Please keep it off the blog.

No political topics allowed. Politics are good to get involved in, in general. Constantly dealing with real world crises is exhausting.. I made this blog with the hopes that people exhausted from being bombarded with politics every minute won’t have to deal with it here. If you bring politics onto my blog I will knife you. And no, that does not mean I “don’t care” about certain issues. What it means is that I want this to be separate from the blog. And as a side note, no mentions of Tr*mp on this blog are allowed. I ended up deleting a submission because of it.

Headcanons go in the submissions. Non-headcanon content goes in the asks. Unless you’re sending an image or video to me, send it as an ask if it’s not a headcanon or quote. If it is a headcanon, please PLEASE send it as a submission and not an ask. It’s so much easier to post a submission than an ask because when headcanons are sent as asks I feel obligated to respond to it in some way and it almost feels repetitive when I’m saying one of the same three phrases repeatedly. The one exception I will allow is if you’re specifically asking for feedback regarding said headcanon. If you want to submit a headcanon but are worried about being anonymous, tell me in your submission that you want to be listed as anonymous and I will say it was submitted by anonymous.

When sending a submission, write it as best you can. Do your best to make sure there are no typos, and USE PROPER CAPITALIZATION. PLEASE. This isn’t as necessary with asks since I’m not going to be able to edit your own ask, but at the very least make it readable. I understand not everyone speaks English as their first language. I also understand that many people who are learning English as a second/third/etc. language may speak broken English. This is not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is when a submission is sent in which none of the names are capitalized or the submission is littered with typos. Most browsers/computers have spell checkers installed. If you struggle with spelling, you can use that. I’m not asking you to write your submissions like a formal essay. I just ask that you try to keep your posts as close to posting quality as possible. The reason this is an issue for me is because I try to make sure the posts on this blog are high quality, and when I have to go through and fix every capitalization error it makes posting submissions/asks even slower than usual for me.

If you’re sending an incorrect quote, include the source. If there is no source, say there’s no source.

Keep the discourse to a minimum! Please! Discourse stresses me out. There’s way too much of it on this site. Let me have ONE (1) part of this website where discourse is no issue.

LGBTQ+ gatekeepers (ace exclusionists/homophobes/biphobes/etc.) are not allowed. Asexuals are LGBTQ+. Trans people are LGBTQ+. Bi/pan people are LGBTQ+. If you try to imply that a particular LGBTQ+ identity isn’t LGBTQ+ then you will be blocked. Simple as that.

Racism, sexism, ableism, etc. of any variety is not allowed.

If asks and submissions are closed, that means that they are closed. I know I’m not the quickest at answering asks and submissions, but please wait. You can ask to make sure there isn’t some bug or error, but please don’t just DM a headcanon at random if the asks and submissions are closed. I won’t post it until it’s posted in my inbox. If you need to write it down to remember it, do so.

If I accidentally post anything that goes against these rules (aside from the headcanons in the asks thing, that I can deal with for now), tell me and I will delete the post (or fix it, if the change is minor). I will admit that I can be on the naive side. I may post something on accident that goes against what I want to have on this blog. If it breaks the rules, tell me so I can delete it.

Only add tags that apply directly to your submission. Don’t go through and blindly click every tag. Tag headcanons with the “smashy headcanons” and “headcanon” tags. Tag incorrect quotes with the “smashy quotes” and “incorrect quote” tags. And, if you are the person who came up with the quote and it didn’t originally come from somewhere else, THEN you can use the “source: original” tag; if it did come from somewhere else, please refer to rule 5 and INCLUDE THE SOURCE SO I CAN PUT IT IN THE TAGS. If there is an image in your submission, add the “image” tag. If there’s a video, add the “video” tag. Use common sense when tagging your submissions and tag them like you would add tags to your own posts (i.e. not adding a bunch of unnecessary things that don’t apply).

[utapri-headcanons-imagines]

Yo can we get like an all 3 groups on how they’d deal with having a Male/S/O bc like S/O might get all worried about the bois rep

Side Note: So sorry to the anon who sent this (like a week ago)! It was entirely my fault for taking so long, I have no excuse. We hope you like this… huggee post - Mod Zozo

HEAVENS

Eiichi Otori

Eiichi is very open about his relationships. He came out a long time ago, he didn’t care about the backlash he received. So when he talked about his male s/o, people weren’t so surprised by it. Of course, there was that share of people who were very taken back

His reputation? Who cares about it, he’s in love and he wants to show it to people

The press is on it? Let them, he doesn’t mind all of the questions

Though if there are any witch hunts for his s/o, he will immediately do something about it

Anything in the press that says something bad about him, Eiichi would freak and address it right away. He’ll clear things up, he doesn’t want his s/o to have a bad name

Eiichi is actually very active for campaigning for LGBTQ+ rights in Japan. So he often uses his own experiences with his s/o and his friends to describe his life. He even discusses the homophobic remarks and actions he’s experienced to give a clear image of how it’s like to be LGBTQ+ in Japan

Eiichi all together is just a very open person, he doesn’t want to hide his true self from others. If he’s going to fans and jobs, then so be it.

Kira Sumeragi

It’s hard to pry into Kira’s private life. So when the press found out Kira had a male s/o they were on it, fast

To be honest, Kira didn’t address the matter. He thought it wasn’t a big deal.

He thought if he ignored all the gossip and stuff, it’ll go away. But when his s/o’s name got out that’s when he had to say something

Kira just wants his s/o’s life to be private, he doesn’t want his life to be plastered everywhere. Kira doesn’t really care about the stupid gossip about himself. But his s/o? He’s definitely going to do something about it

He knows it’s not good to get in drama, but his s/o’s name is out there. Kira knows for a fact that he would face a major backlash. It actually frightened Kira quite a lot

So when Kira decided to respond to these claims, he was indeed very serious. His fans and the press listened into his response and came to a single conclusion. The press eventually stops bothering him about it, due to his terrifying response. 

Kira was happy that they weren’t asking him about his love life anymore, he felt safer. So did his s/o. They can finally go on semi-normal dates.

Nagi Mikado

Nagi couldn’t care less about the criticism he’s receiving

He constantly posts pictures of him and his boyfriend. With his boyfriend’s permission, of course

But wait! People started giving their own uneducated opinions on Nagi’s love life.

What does Nagi think about this?

“How does it affect you? You shouldn’t care about who I love.”

Nagi then proceeds to post more and more about his boyfriend to make the press angry

If some fans get angry, he doesn’t care. To him, they weren’t real fans in the first place

Interviews on the matter can be harsh, and borderline inappropriate. Especially for someone as young as Nagi, he’s just a 13-year-old kid after all. If the other HEAVENS members don’t shut down the conversation, Nagi will

“I love whom I love, so leave me be!”

Eiji Otori

Eiji doesn’t give out too much information on his private life. How people found out was because of Eiichi accidentally mentioned it in one of his interviews

Needless to say, Eiji was not happy, in fact, he was kind of scared. He didn’t want his boyfriend to face backlash or have anything crazy happen to him

Eiji would avoid conflict at all cost, he doesn’t want s/o to become hurt at all

All in all, Eiji and s/o have a very long discussion about this. After that talk, Eiji lets the cat out of the bag. He talks about it during an interview

Of course s/o was very much worried, however, they both did agree on making parts of their relationship public. Eiji only talked about the bits and pieces that he consented on

Eiji then became more and more open about his relationship in the public, but it took a while

Of course, whenever Eiji received some hate mail or anything that made him extremely uncomfortable, he made sure to tell s/o and the rest of HEAVENS

He wants his relationship to be kept mostly private, but small details here and there are not so bad

Shion Amakusa

Shion is extremely vague about everything. So most likely the paparazzi found out about his boyfriend

S/o became so worried, he picked up a tabloid magazine with both of them on it and showed it to Shion

Shion looked quite shocked, and he worried about s/o’s personal life. How would this affect him? Shion is just praying that he didn’t ruin his life

There were articles, tweets, and dumb discussions on the matter

Shion hated being confronted about all of this, he didn’t want s/o to be involved in the limelight

He tries to shield his boyfriend away from all of the hate

However, many positives did rise from this, Shion and his s/o did get a lot of support

So many of his fans stuck up for him and his s/o. Shion was so happy he cried about it to s/o

Yamato Hyuga

As soon as Yamato did get a boyfriend, he talked about him a lot (though never mentioned his name)

The press freaked the hell out, how could Yamato of all people have a lover? Especially a male one

Yamato rolled his eyes when he was met with homophobic remarks, he just ignored them altogether

But when they went after his s/o, he wanted to throw some fists. All of HEAVENS had to hold him back from punching someone

He was beyond angry, during an interview he dedicated a small portion of time on the issue. Yamato talked about how love shouldn’t be discriminated against. No matter what sex or gender the person is

“Why the Hell does it matter? If I had a girlfriend, I know everyone would still freak out. So what’s wrong if my lover is a guy? How does that change anything? It’s all dumb.”

Yamato makes sure to comfort his boyfriend after an interview. He also asks him what he could’ve done differently, or could have phrased something differently

All in all, Yamato sees this as dumb publicity, he knows that magazines are just trying to get more money. He soon stops commenting on the gossip so the press has nothing to talk about

Van Kiryuin

Van has always been open about his sexuality. So he didn’t have that much backlash when he relieved that he has a male boyfriend

Of course, he did receive some, though Van never let it get to him

S/o did worry about his rep, though Van did not care. He wouldn’t even care if he lost a job because of it, he just wants to express himself

Van just wants his s/o and himself to be happy, the paparazzi have nothing on him, neither does the press

He will talk about his s/o, but he doesn’t give out his name unless his s/o gives consent.

When he does face negative criticism during interviews, he quickly responds to them. However, Van just hates it and explains how idiotic it is to ask/say such nasty things

“You wouldn’t ask this stuff if I was with a woman, so why does it matter now?” - Van responding to the rude interviewer

Van knows that expressing his sexuality is a very controversial thing to do as an idol. But does he care? No, he’s happy to be with his s/o

QUARTET NIGHT

Reiji Kotobuki

Despite Reiji’s seemingly carefree and bubbly personality, he is deeply, deeply afraid of his relationship being found out by the media. It’s something that might occasionally keep him up at night

Taking the guise of a flirty straight-man is especially stressful when you have a male-partner

Reiji has had multiple internal “crises of faith” of sorts. He wants to be absolutely devoted to his s/o, constantly entertaining young women with flirts and praise makes him feel grimy

But it’s his job, and it’s a job he loves doing. At least the musical and entertaining aspects of it; so he doesn’t want to quit, he just wants to sort of “break character”

This is something he’s never mentioned to his s/o or anyone else for that matter. He doesn’t want anyone to worry, and most of all he doesn’t want his s/o to worry

Regardless of the internal strain

So instead of really doing anything about it, he just goes on as usual. Perhaps if his s/o is very perceptive he’d see some of Reiji’s stress, but that isn’t very likely since Reiji is just so good at hiding how he feels in general

Reiji would do absolutely anything and everything for his s/o. To him, dealing with that kind of mental stress is just another part of that

Reiji, we love you, please seek a professional for your mental health

Ranmaru Kurosaki

Ranmaru is most definitely already out of the closet, it’s just not largely acknowledged by the public

He didn’t even traditionally “come out” in his career life, his sexuality was just another theme in his music, particularly in his older songs

Punk rock and pop punk music has always been known to have controversial and/or political themes strewn within their lyrics, so this wasn’t really a surprise to anyone

That is, it wasn’t surprising to older fans of his music

With that all being said, however, Ranmaru is a pretty private person and wouldn’t talk about his s/o at all, even if he was a chick.

He knows that they’d receive backlash regardless

He understands that the industry and fans generally aren’t kind to the romantic partners of idols, and most other musicians for that matter. So he makes the effort to hide this part of his life

Ranmaru and his s/o certainly don’t enjoy doing this. Hiding from the public figuratively and sometimes even literally is emotionally draining, and tiring

In the end, however, it is worth it because he can be with his s/o in peace. Even if Ranmaru is frustrated with their circumstances

Camus

Camus isn’t the type of person to tell the world about his lover so the paparazzi might’ve found out about it

Needless to say, Camus was quite shocked by the backlash he received. He knows the idol business had the potential to be volatile, but he didn’t think this of all things could’ve happened to him

Camus went to his s/o right away, he wanted to know what he should do. He was afraid of messing up and receiving some more backlash

They had a long talk about it, after they both agreed that Camus was to address the issue. Which he did, but was still faced with ridiculous criticism.

There was still so much support that many of his idol friends and fans gave to him though! Camus couldn’t thank them enough

Camus would slap anybody that would talk rudely about his lover. He would not ever tolerate such things

Ever since then, Camus tried his best not to mention his lover in topics. But still found himself talking about his s/o quite a lot

S/o gets all embarrassed when he watches TV and just sees Camus talking about him. However, he still loves it nonetheless

Ai Mikaze

Ai brought it up very casual like, in fact, it was so casual that people thought it was a joke. But Ai continued to talk about his relationship with his s/o regardless then things sort of spiraled from there

The next day everything went wild, though Ai wasn’t really shocked by all of this. He was worried about his s/o thought, but he didn’t place too much thought into it. Ai knows for a fact that no one will try anything funny on them

Ai was met with a lot of, but he didn’t care. He accepted the fact that he would get reactions like this

So he moved on and addressed the topic only when he needed to

S/o, of course, worried about his rep. Though Ai didn’t really care, he loves singing and performing. But doesn’t want to be apart of a system that’s so homophobic

Ai has spoken out about LGBTQ+ issues in the idol community, and he addresses lots of topics within the community

He expressed his concerns and his frustrations towards the stigma of LGBTQ+ people in Japan

Ai explains how he thinks that if he expresses his love for his s/o that other people like him can feel safer in their own country

STARISH

Otoya Ittoki

Otoya is a very open and loving person, he is not afraid to be himself or share his ideas. He wants his s/o to be a close part of his life, despite the difficulties that may come with that

Otoya wants his boyfriend to be close to, or at the very least like his friends and family. Otoya wants his s/o to be able to feel comfortable in the private space, and wants him to know that they are supported

He also would feel pretty bad if his boyfriend didn’t get along with STARISH, or vice versa

In Otoya’s private life it is very obvious he’s in a relationship, he’s open about it. Sharing selfies with his boyfriend to his friends and family, going on and on about how amazing his s/o is, etc  

Otoya and his s/o were unsure on as to how they should approach their relationship in the public eye. At first they decided that it would be best if they kept it a secret, but eventually decided otherwise

Otoya didn’t want to hide his sexuality, he’s not ashamed of it whatsoever. He feels like keeping his identity hidden is wrong. Coming out publicly could help not only himself but others who struggle with their sexuality as well

After lots and lots of discussion with his s/o they agreed that discussing their relationship publicly would a beneficial thing to do. His boyfriend was a tad worried, but Otoya was so earnest and confident his s/o couldn’t help but be as well

Syo Kusuru

Syo cared deeply for his reputation, but he doesn’t necessarily care if people dislike him for trivial reasons. Syo will apologize for something if he’s done genuinely wrong, but he has a pretty tough moral backbone and is very careful about what he says so that rarely happens

Things like people not liking his sexuality is something he couldn’t any care less about

Syo didn’t really even come out, the public sort of found out on accident. As for his friends and family, they’ve all known for a while now. It’s not really something Syo talks about a lot, but he’s comfortable other people knowing

So ya know, whatever. He doesn’t care

If Syo’s boyfriend was ever concerned for his reputation Syo would make certain to quickly to reassure them. His s/o shouldn’t have to worry for his sake, Syo can handle any problem (if they arise) on his own.

Other than all that sexuality controversy the relationship between Syo and his s/o was pretty normal. Syo makes sure that they’re both able to do the things they want to do without getting harassed or bothered, and he very much succeed

They both hang out with their friends and family a lot (this is particularly important to Syo), hopefully Syo’s boyfriend gets along with them all alright. STARISH especially can be a rowdy bunch

All in all everything is just plain good. They both are happy, and honestly that’s the only thing that really matters to Syo

Natsuki Shinomiya

Natsuki can be incredibly naïve and certainly was when he announced his relationship through the media

He was utterly baffled by the crude responses to his sexuality and to his relationship in general

Natsuki wasn’t really distressed, he was just confused. He isn’t ignorant, Natsuki was aware that there would be some backlash and disapproval, but he didn’t think there would be enough to at least bring his attention to it

“We’re in the 21st century, I didn’t expect that many people to get upset.”

However, we all know Natsuki, he doesn’t dwell on negatives for very long. Turning his attention away from the bitterness, he was actually more surprised on how much support he’s received

He didn’t expect so many of his fans to be so happy for him

Especially because he never formally came out, he just sorta put his relationship out for everyone to see

He and his s/o are absolutely delighted to be so supported, it makes them so much more comfortable being out together. Natsuki may have even started to vlog with them and post more about his s/o on Twitter in general

Overall, Natsuki and his s/o really don’t have any worries, they’re happy being together and they’re happy that the world knows

Ren Jinguji

Ren is an active advocate for all love, his views on sexuality are widely known and often supported by the public. He’s also not shy about talking about his  own sexuality and is unfazed by any negative criticism.

So Ren was quite confident when speaking about his relationship to the media

Ren has practically no worries in terms of his work in the industry and is so confident in his reputation his s/o isn’t even all that concerned

All Ren wants is for his s/o to be able to get along with his friends and the rest of STARISH, harmony is very important to him

This isn’t too big of an issue though, since his s/o will most likely get along with them anyway

Despite all that, Ren still doesn’t want to introduce his boyfriend to his family. His relationship with his brother can be quite on-and-off, and he doesn’t want to put his s/o through that kind of trouble

Ren will forever and always be a loyal partner, he is flirtatious in nature but certainly not a cheat. His actions very much stem from some sort of attention-seeking desire, if that’s not the case he’s just charming fans

He’s not necessarily proud of that; hopefully he’ll be able to have a talk with his s/o about how he feels

Their relationship is just overall pretty smooth; there are some obstacles to overcome, especially in terms of Ren’s idolship, but they’re working on it and doing quite well

Cecil Aijima

Cecil never needed to come out of the closet, there was never any closet to begin with. If Cecil takes a fancying to you, he’ll let you know, he’ll let his friends know, he’ll let the universe know

Everyone knew about this boy’s sexuality from the start, and Cecil didn’t give a shit about what you thought of it

In Cecil’s home country, Agnapolis homosexual relationships were accepted, and often encouraged. It was deeply embedded into the roots of his country’s history and religion, so naturally Cecil just accepts it

When Cecil went to Japan and realized homophobia was a thing that existed he was like, “????”. “Excuse me, what? Get this shit out of my house, thank you very much.”

Cecil just doesn’t understand, so when his s/o was like, “Uhhh, maybe you want to keep this a secret, ya know for your rep.” He just responded with a slick, “Nah fam, it’s cool.”

Honestly, Cecil just gets so ridiculously frustrated at the thought of someone being ridiculed for their sexuality, he’d just go crazy. It’s almost comical on how upset he gets sometimes

“If you are please gay stand up and smack the government.”

On a serious note, however, he is very much saddened by the fact that people aren’t accepted just because of their sexuality. He is even more saddened by the fact that gay marriage is not even legal in Japan

Watch Cecil campaign for gay rights

In general, Cecil doesn’t treat his homosexual relationships any different from his heterosexual ones. His s/o may worry about that from time to time, but overall he’s just refreshed by Cecil’s positivity

Masato Hijirikawa

Being outed to the public is probably one of his worst fears literally ever, so if he did have a male s/o Masato would definitely keep it under wraps. He is extremely careful about where/how he and his s/o go out

Honestly, Masato would worry more about it than his s/o

His anxiety is from such a strong combination of how he was raised and what he does for work; Masato feels so much shame and bitterness about who he is, it’s almost pitiful

Masato thinks he’s just worked so hard and given up so much to be where he is now. He’s terrified of how his sexuality could affect his career. He doesn’t want to lose everything he’s gained

It’s such an unhealthy view of his sexuality, and he knows this, he just can’t shake this feeling of disgust

It takes such a terrible strain on his relationship with his s/o. It’s absolutely exhausting to be partners with a person who is so uncomfortable with their sexuality, even if you love them so much

Their stress is only magnified and made worse by Masato’s idolship

Masato eventually realizes he can’t keep doing this to his s/o; he can’t have the person he loves be the representation of his inner turmoil, so he decides to seek help professionally

Initially, Masato considered breaking things off with his s/o altogether but decided that would be unfair to his partner

And to Masato’s surprise, counseling is actually helping him. Little by little he’s improving. Anxieties are still there and will always be there, thanks partially to his career, but he’s getting better

The relationship with his s/o is even strengthened because of this

Tokiya Ichinose

Tokiya sort of always knew his sexuality, he wasn’t even necessarily uncomfortable with it. It’s just a part of who is is he is and he’s embraced it for a long time now

This is partially thanks to lots of experimentation, but honestly Tokiya knows who is and what he wants, so in general he’s pretty confident in himself

That being said, however, Tokiya hasn’t come out to the public or his friends or family. Not because he’s ashamed of himself, he’s just pessimistic and sorta believes everyone around him will react negatively

His relationship with his s/o is very much a secret. STARISH and Haruka don’t even know about it. Tokiya just goes out a lot without telling them where he’s going, he worries them

His boyfriend very much worries and cares for Tokiya’s reputation. He knows how much Tokiya loves his career, and despite the stress it puts them both through, he’s willing to deal with it because it is so important to Tokiya

Unfortunately they don’t get to see each other very often, their time together is mostly spent through calls and texts. This makes Tokiya feel pretty guilty, he doesn’t want his s/o to go through this kind of distant relationship

Tokiya may sometimes even feel as though his s/o would be better off without him

Even so, Tokiya’s biggest concern overall goes back to the issue of his friends not knowing. He wants them to be closer, he wants them to know, but is still unsure

Perhaps the more time that passes by, the more comfortable he’ll get with the idea

[sennettyoung]

Social Justice is kind of like religion - and that's okay

From New Atheist circles, you hear a lot that fourth wave feminism, especially the intersectional kind, is like organized religion. Needless to say, this is not intended as a compliment. However, 'as a Christian' (that phrase I can't) I see the similarities as well, but in a more neutral way. Yes, social justice as we know it right now on the left shares some parallels with religion, in my view. This has, just as those aspects do in (my) religion, upsides and downsides, depending on how you express them.

DISCLAIMER: the title of this post is a bit misleading. I know most about Christianity, which is the tradition that I'll be drawing from. That being said, there are many shared principles in different religions, in particular among monotheist ones. Then again, others are more unique to my religion or just less central in Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Wicca, etc. But I'm not an expert on those, so sadly I can't go into them. I'm always eager to learn, so please please please consider what parallels your own religion has to social justice and add them.

Born in Sin Christianity (perhaps more than any other major religion?) has a tradition of emphasising the inherent sinfulness of humans. We are born into a fallen world because of what took place in Genesis, which is why we need some sort of redemption coming from God. Now the redemption narrative I find it harder to locate in intersectional leftism BUT we are definitely 'born in sin'. At least that's how I understand the idea of being unavoidably racist as non-POC, inescapably sexist as men, inherently homophobic as straight people, etc. We carry unintended biases against marginalised groups (inherently sinful) because we grow up in societies that are hostile towards them (patriarchy, heteronormativity, ableism). The 'fallen world' taints us.

Now here's the good in this (Is there a good thing?!). If you handle this correctly in Christianity, it creates a very compassionate environment. 'You made a mistake? Well, that's wrong but we are all imperfect. Now we'll help you overcome that.' (More on the latter later.) The same thing should, in my view, be aimed for in social justice. Yes, condemn racism and homophobia where you find it. Point it out. But don't do it menacingly, especially if it's a case of prejudice that the perpetrator probably adopted from wider society.  Don't kill sexists, kill sexism. It also makes us aware of weaknesses. If I know I'm inherently tempted by sin, I can keep an eye out for temptation.

Doing this one wrong is easier than doing it right. It can lead to, first of all, defeatism. 'Well, we're sinful anyway. Nothing I do matters because I'm evil anyway.' This, obviously, is unhealthy and useless. Don't accept your own societal conditioning. It's something you can fight against. Alternatively, you can hate yourself. Naturally, I wouldn't recommend that, though I have had a taste of that in my teenage years. 'I'll never be good enough for God.' Remember, you feeling guilty about your prejudices means two things: 1. You're one step ahead in defeating them. You can solve a problem only when you're aware of it. 2. This guilt blocks you from doing so. Guilt paralyses people. Turn it into something proactive. 'This is my weakness. Watch me obliterate it.'

The drive to self-improve This one is, I'm quite sure, almost universal among religions. We're all trying to overcome our own flaws to get closer to God/a higher reincarnation (Hindu people, correct me please)/Enlightenment/whatever your religion is trying to achieve. This is something I love in intersectional leftism/feminism. We are so driven to improve ourselves, to correct the problematic ways of thinking we have, to learn about other perspectives to become a more compassionate human being.

There is a trap, though, connected to our 'born in sin' principle. Here's the deal, at least in Christianity (most denominations) (I think Enlightenment can be perfect (?)): You will never be perfect. You will never reach God on your own. We need the redemption part. And some Christians, myself included, can get existential crises over this. Similarly, people in social justice can feel pressured to perfect themselves, something that is literally impossible because you're dealing with people. Some marginalized people want you to do x, others prefer y. None of us can be 100% woke all of the time. Don't damage your mental health over that. Ate meat as a vegan? Don't beat yourself up over it. Misgendered a trans person by accident? That can happen, try to damage control by reaching out perhaps (trans people, correct me please), but don't cry for 4 hours or anything. Living means harming, no matter how hard you try.

Spreading the gospel (oh no why) Trying to 'educate people' is an inherent part of most types of Christianity. It is also a very interesting thing to me. What's most effective? Is raising Christian children indoctrination? Should we try to convert Muslims and Jews (sit down, Evangelicals, some people believe this to be a question)? Lead by example? Sometimes I even find that annoying (and I'm already on their side). The questions in social justice are equally numerous. Is it my job to educate you? Is the Women's March useful? Should I mention communism? To be intersectional or to focus on a specific issue? To be honest, I don't even know how to advise on this one. Christianity and intersectional leftism come down to the same matter, though: how to attract instead of repulse.

Have I missed anything? Have I angered anyone? Want to discuss this in more detail?

[madnadidraw]

Parents/Caregivers Take Note:

It is currently 12:15 AM at the time of me beginning to write this. 

The night before this post, I tried to make a text after 11 PM  (it was at 11:10 PM to be exact) and found that my phone would not send the text. I then received a text from my cellular service provider (CSP) stating that “Your phone has been restricted by the account owner. You cannot send messages until the time of day restriction ends”. The very first thing I did was screenshot it, send it to my mom (because I knew it was her that had done this), and asked if she was serious, and why? She was hoping it would help me go to bed sooner, but added that she had started it as of a week or so ago. I replied that this could only hurt my situation.

Why? Because I stay up until very late, the absolute earliest I go to bed is 2 AM and that is rare. I usually end up falling asleep at 4 AM, or I don’t sleep at all. Why? Because I have chronic nightmares that leave me waking up unable to get out of bed in time for school. Why? Because I have been through traumatic experiences, and every time I dream I relive those experiences. Just mentioning my dreams is breaking me close to a breakdown, but this post is important.

My mom is aware of all of the above information 

Turning off my texting and calling abilities only meant I could not reach out to any type of mental health professionals (specifically the ones I use), usually not something I’d need, but important in a crisis. Here’s where we get to the important bit, crises. Catastrophic breakdowns. Ones that greatly inhibit my ability to do much of anything, or at least specific tasks.

It is currently 12:27 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 12 minutes.

At 11:04pm I open up Snapchat, the app I use to message everybody I am relatively close to, excluding family, to respond to a text from my partner. It does not go through. I try again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. I try all kinds of social media again, and again and again. And Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. No. Thing. At all. I am locked out. Now. Now I’m in crisis. For the past hour and a half I have been riding the waves of “IM HAVING A BREAKDOWN” and “I cannot shut down I have work to do”. I have done nothing but cope for the past hour and a half, yet I am still trying to do work before I fall asleep. I am currently on my desktop, rather than a mobile device in bed, to avoid falling asleep. 

It is currently 12:36 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 21 minutes. 

Why? Because I have a test tomorrow, a test which I have to teach myself content for due to extreme amounts of absences. A test I cannot afford to get any less than an A on, as grades close quite soon for this quarter. A quarter I cannot afford to fail (or receive less than an A on), because then I’ll be stressed for all of next quarter, because this is the only AP level or college level course that I have had an A in this year, all year. An A I promised myself I would get, because last year I constantly rode the line of a high C and a low B. I ended up getting a C first semester, and a B second semester. The C was a result of my traumatic experiences, and I promised I wouldn’t let that affect my math grade ever again, because math has always been one of my strongest classes. One of the strongest reasons I had been admitted to my dream school. Failing this test? Not an option. So, since I got home from school, finished dinner, and grounded and isolated myself (7 PM) I had been working on studying for this test. That’s four straight hours of studying, which is extremely abnormal, as I rarely do any assignments, much less studying. But at 11:04 PM that all stopped. Everything stopped. I shut down. I focused on grounding, coping, and recovering. I had had a terrible day, all day. 

It is currently 12:47 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 32 minutes.

Why? I had gone to bed early. So I had a nightmare. So I was uncomfortable from the start, I was ashamed, paranoid, triggered, scared, and I hated every inch of my body, but I didn’t want to be late again to first period. So I forced myself to make this a good day. It was a Wednesday. We had Friday off (Good Friday). I could get through this day. I didn’t have the ability to attend the partial hospitalization program (PHP) I attend to treat my PTSD today, because of an appointment I had been planning for months (well before I knew I would be in PHP). But I knew I would be there tomorrow, and although I usually leave school at 12:45 PM, my appointment would have me relatively excited, so it felt as though it would balance out. It didn’t.

It is currently 12:55 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 40 minutes.

 Assembly for seniors which pertains to the big class events, mainly Senior Prom. My friends decide to sit directly in front of The Jocks TM, people I just generally don’t get along with, but I followed because I can handle myself. Or I thought so. A group of The Jocks TM decided to boo when our principal came out to speak about senior prom. I needed as much info as possible, because I am bringing my partner to senior prom, and they attend a different school. So I am already anxious and nervous, but they’re making it worse because I can’t listen and get the info I need. And then he mentions the breathalyzers, a mandatory part of just about every prom across my state. And they boo. They’re yelling, so much so that the principal has to pause and wait. This wouldn’t be a big deal, but now I’m worried about senior prom. Now I’m worried they’re going to do their best to get absolutely wasted and I do NOT want to bring my partner into that environment. Not because I’m possessive and want to shelter them, but because prom is an expensive event that I invited them to specifically so that we could enjoy it together, even though it was expensive. I haven’t even made it to my second period yet, and my paranoia is already through the roof.

It is currently 1:04 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 49 minutes.

Second period flows, I speak to some people, I calm down a bit. Then third period hits. Third period is my math class. The teacher would be out, so it was essentially a study hall. I was hoping to use it to catch up/study, but instead I’m discussing the assembly and senior prom with kids I know might have info, some, any, a fucking word idgaf, about what to expect after our principal announced the breathalyzers, I mentioned how I was bringing my partner and they attend a different school, and I didn’t want them to have that as their one and only experience with my school. Nothing. Not an ounce of anything remotely helpful. I’ve already used just about all of this period to discuss senior prom, so I decide to focus on catch up work. Nope. Not happening. Instead a group of kids sitting directly next to me start talking about a trans-girl I know, and they are saying ignorant things. Based on the conversation, I can rationally deduce they weren't being transphobic/homophobic, they just aren’t up to date with the language. But as a now extremely paranoid gay woman, hearing something remotely anti-LGBT put me into an even greater state of paranoia, and fear, because I am openly gay and they are discussing this right next to me. Finally the period ends, and I can relax into one of the two lunch periods I have (because I have a heavily reduced schedule to help cope with stress and trauma, both of which are heavily tied to the school building itself). I get through that, enter my fifth period class, acting, and finally get to my second lunch, sixth period. Sixth period I go to see my guidance counselor to continue discussing what can be done about AP physics, the class I have next period (two on lab days). The class I am currently failing. The main stressor out of all my classes. She says my dream school, the one I will attend in the fall, has not gotten back to her about dropping it/taking it as a pass fail. 

It is currently 1:20 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for over an hour now. I have not left the room, gotten a drink, gotten a snack, or even stood up out of my chair in the since 11:04 PM.

No big deal, I’ll just tell my physics teacher what’s goi- “Nadia the test you were supposed to make up Friday, but haven’t been able to yet? I want you to take it now. I figured you might as well get it out of the way considering you have this period and next to work on it” 

It is currently 1:25 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for 70 minutes.

Oh. Can I check my phone real quick?

Sure.

+4 new emails to your school email!

*Opens*

(From my guidance counselor): Nadia [dream school] just called, please come see me

Hey uhhhh, my guidance counselor wants to see me RIGHT now.

Really? That’s odd. I’ll call her, you get started on the test.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I filled in random answers on the multiple choice, skipped the open ended questions, and made it look like I was working on it until the end of eighth period. I cover up the blank spaces where writing should be with the multiple choice packet, hand it into the teacher of the room I was randomly thrown into, and book it to my counselor’s office to catch her before my appointment.

It is currently 1:29 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but hold back tears, ground myself, and write this post for the past 84 minutes.

They said you can’t drop it if you want to be certain you’ll be there in the fall, they want to see you get a C or above in the.....

That’s it.

That’s the last piece.

I’m broken.

Since 11:04 PM I have done nothing but try to ground myself and cope with the fact that I lost my connection to almost everything. That I will continue to lose this connection every night at 11:00 PM. That I will lose any and all electronic based or assisted coping mechanisms I may have, until after I wake up. It is currently 1:33 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 89 minutes, and I have been trying to cope and ground myself for roughly two and a half hours (149 minutes).

So. Let’s recap

I have had a bad day.

After my appointment I got home and began studying for my test at 7 PM

At 11:04 PM I had a break down, and have been trying to cope and ground myself since. 

I have not finished studying yet, and I intend to stay up, rather than try to sleep earlier, to finish doing so.

The test I was and will be studying for, whether this is true or not, feel as though it will decide where I spend the next year of my life.

Now for the obvious question:

How could this have been avoided?

Am I asking for my mom to not have turned off service for my phone? No. She had already turned off texting, this was the obvious next step.

Now my answer, my main take away for parents and caregivers.

Talk to your kids.

Talk to your kids about punishments you intend to use, whether they’ve done something wrong or not, so that you can be sure it won’t break them.

Talk to your kids. 

Talk to your kids about what you expect from them, ask them to honestly tell you what their limits are, even if they conflict with these expectations.

But most of all.

Talk to your kids.

Talk to your kids when you’re trying to help them, make sure your proposed solution or support does not end up hurting them. If my mom had told me about this, even at 10:59 PM, a minute before it would take place, this break down could have been avoided.

RECOGNIZE THAT YOU DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW BEST

Parents and caregivers; if you expect your kids (or those receiving your care) to trust you? To respect you? To be honest with you? 

TRUST THEM FIRST

If you always assume that you and you alone know what’s best for your kids, that you alone know how to best support them and reprimand them. 

You need to recognize that kids are still people and can speak for themselves.

I am 18 years old, I am not asking you to start talking to your one month old as if they are in high school. I am asking you to give us the respect that you think you deserve. The fact that...

...It is currently 1:46 AM (14 minutes before the earliest time I fall asleep) as I am writing this time-log, I have been trying to cope and ground myself for 162 minutes, and working on this post for 102 minutes...

...should be message enough that assuming you know best, does not work.

[jimtheviking]

Okay I'm going to post a longish rant here, and I know I should post this on facebook, but the fight that would ensue is not worth ruining a friendship over (and believe me, it would, because it almost has in the past) so before you call me out on my hypocrisy, I already know. At least two of you folk know who and what I'm referring to here, and since you're people who I don't mind having this conversation with because you won't take a critique of passive resistance as a personal attack. Anyone else wants to chime in, feel free, please.

Anyway, here we go, under the jump.

Academia - medieval history in particular, and especially Norse and Anglo-Saxon studies - has a racism problem. It manifests in literal Nazis (I've heard rumours, but nothing concrete) or sympathizers (I will happily name names, if anyone wants 'em, but here's not the place) or people whose poorly informed reading of Nietzche makes them the sort of perfect mark for this bullshit (a list of names five miles long,) or just straight up racists and xenophobes who don't want foreigners working with 'their' literature or fields (again, names can be named) It's a difficult place to be in as someone who's not a straight white cis dude. And I'm 100% aware of the privilege I have *as* a cis white dude who most people assume is straight when it comes to this shit, but come the fuck on.

I love my friends in academia, but god damn do I hate their pearl-clutching and performative, self-martyring bullshit when it comes to racism inside the academy. Like, yes, I get that you've (almost uniformly) just got your PhD and you're in a precarious position, career-wise. You've just spent the better part of a decade slogging through some of the most taxing and difficult mental and emotional labour you can imagine, while going through all sorts of personal crises. It's understandable that you don't want to jeopardise your position as an early career researcher by rocking the boat, and you don't want to torpedo your reputation as soon as you're out of the gate. I get that. I really do.

However.

How the fuck ever.

You cannot have that attitude, cannot balk at the suggestion of creating panels where you involve young people, undergrads and grad students of colour or of different backgrounds from the predominate demographic of the field because it would damage your reputation, and then still claim you want change. You simply can't. If you want change, make change. It is risky as fuck - I'm blackballed from a LOT of Icelandic stuff because of what went down with my MA thesis (details can be given if you want) - but I don't regret torpedoing my medieval studies career in that fashion one bit (I mean, I regret torpedoing it at Leeds, but that's a different story) Sometimes you need to take a stand for what you believe in and get your ass handed to you. In doing that, you prove that you've got convictions behind you.

If you can't do that - for whatever reason - that's perfectly fine, and it's 100% okay to not want to risk yourself or your career or your family like that. It's a terrifying thing to do, and the results can be catastrophically bad.

That said, though, if you aren't willing to take that plunge - which again, is TOTALLY FINE, and absolutely understandable and has no shame to it at all - don't go about wondering how 'we' as a field are going to fix our problems. 'We' aren't. Because you've said you cannot or will not get involved. Talking about how you feel like you're not doing enough to help people by...not...doing...anything is super frustrating for people who ARE doing things, who DO call out professors and administrators and senior academics and peers who are racist and homophobic and xenophobic. It's not like by saying how bad you feel about the injustice you actually change the attitudes of the people committing said injustice. Hell, the vast majority of those people aren't aware of your existence. The only way to change things is to, well, change things. Take a couple on the chin and hit back just as hard. If you're torpedoing your career, make sure that you take a few racists' down with you. Become their manager at the Subway you all wind up working at and make their lives a living hell, or fire them. But you need to take that risk and take that hit.

Or else, just fuckin' stop with the attempt to score Woke Points because it's infuriating to see.

[projectbrexlore]

Blog for investigating British Folklore in the Brexit era- like many others, my national identity is a little.. fluid at present,( if not entirely missing in action but my love of FOLKTALES, WONDER TALES and oral storytelling is undiminished. When I‘ve given talks at conventions lately on the Brothers Grimm and the relevance folktales and storytelling can have to our everyday lives,,to working through crises, understanding one’s own story, dealing with the uncanny  and ambivalent, people have come up to me and asked “can you do this for British folklore ?” Well, the answer is yes, I can - and probably should . There are some fantastic stories, one or two heroes   - and villains - we’ve largely forgotten -admittedly, most books of folklore for kids you see on the shelves  of your average cutprice bookstore*are * Grimms tales, or Perraults’. Rarely are they Mr Fox, or Mad Tom o’ Bedlam or  all the many many Jack tales, not necessarily involving beanstalks.  Or, indeed, giants. For adults there’s plenty on the Celtic Otherworld, and fae enounters, less so on the intrepid Englishmen like” King Henry”(no reign number specified) or Childe Roland who   stepped off the path, beyond the field we know, there and back again et etc-sometimes just *there*. Herder said back in the 19th entury that every nation’s native literature was like a garden - none is of itself better than the others, they just grow slightly different flowers. So this is a wander through ..our garden, to look at same rare flora and maybe root up some weeds and all. And I make absolutely no apology for this being on the same blog as u-remainia only to say, read both.. And please bring me stories, national , local, dialect, personal, transformative as you wish.Urban myths are not exluded either, or limericks or songs or filks or anything anonymous and of the people.(Modern material that is racist, homophobic or mysognist however is). I can’t pay you for stories except in bard’s coin(=drink ;-)) should we meet and you will be aknowledged. If there is a process of reconciliation at work here, one that can’t perhaps yet happen outwardly, politically because the wounds are too fresh, then perhaps it can happen - or begin - in the aesthetic. And if anyone is interested in co-authoring something at some point on this, performing stories or publishing an anthology, let me know also.(Brexite(e)r co-authors especially welcome) 

[findteenpenpals]

Hi, I’m Lucy, I’m 15 years old and I’m from the UK!

Here’s what I like: ANIME: so far I’ve seen Sword Art Online, Your Lie in April and Yuri on Ice. I’m about to start Haikyuu and Food Wars, but if you have any recommendations just feed me (I’m like no face off spirited away)

My fandoms are TMR, HP, TMI/ Shadowhunters and Phan!!

I love reading and writing and all things creative, I can’t do science or maths to save my life, and I’d really like to become an author one day

Also I love jokes (especially bad ones) and plants. I listen to music such as Ed Sheeran, Coldplay, P!ATD and TØP.

What I would like: I would really like a friend who likes the same things as me and who doesn’t mind my really bad sense of humour or memes and existential crises, hopefully between the age of 14-18 and I don’t mind where you’re from! It would be cool to meet people from all over the world!

We can chat about literally anything and I would also maybe like to try sending mail and letters and cute aesthetic stuff? Also we can exchange recs for books/ tv/ music and also fanfic woo. I’m totally up for deep questions but at the same time I’m up for just meme trash

I’m a really awkward person so please don’t give up on me, I’ll stop being weird at some point. I also have various mental things going on inside my head so yeah.

I would love to talk to you regardless of your race, gender, religion or sexuality, However, please do not contact me if you have racist or homophobic views.

How to contact me: I have five tumblr accounts but the best one would be: perks-of-being-luce snapchat: luzulion

I hope we can be friends :)

[bbruinslives]

Cast breakdown by First Impression, Bio, and Interview

c Because it’s Tuesday and I’m bored and avoiding actual life.

(Really long, with pictures, so...)

Alex Ow

First impression: Nope.  You’ve already disappointed me Grodner.

Bio: Ok.  Not too bad.   I can get down with a lazy girl that loves to knit and I’m really impressed about the Diablo thing.  But her favorite player is Nicole and that has me triggered.

Interview: She’s cute.  She didn’t know who Jeff was and then blamed it on her glasses.  It was as awkward as you think it was.  

Cameron Heard

First impression: Good God.  Is that you Steve?

Bio:  It’s annoying to talk about how smart you are.  And it makes me believe in your intelligence even less when you can’t stop TALKING ABOUT HOW SMART YOU ARE.  Did i mention that Cameron is really smart, guys? 

Interview: Hey guys, guess what?  Cameron’s really smart. Oh, and he has a hall pass from his girlfriend back home.  So ladies... watch out for this stud!

Christmas Abbott

First impression: I’m in love.  For real.  

Bio: She’s too good for me. But with her list of accomplishments and badassery I’m going out on a limb here and saying she was a recruit.    And recruits are disappointing on average.  So... 

Interview: I am her.  She is me.  

I’m having an identity crises.  This chick is so cool.

Cody Nickson

First impression: Da fuq with that haircut, son?

Bio: What a dude bro.  Although he did win some points for the Evel Dick thing.  He is what Pigwhistle Cottonpatch turned out to be.

Interview: His interview made me smile... more than once.  Fuck!  Stay back Satan.  I’m am not here for being thirsty over you.

Dominique Cooper

First impression: If Zakiyah pledged Delta Nu.

Bio: <sigh> We’re trying a little too hard to dispel the stereotype, aren’t we?

Interview: Oh my god I kind of love her.  She’s wicked smart, speaks like she’s highly educated and seems like she’s super fun.  I sat here trying to think of some snark... but... I couldn’t.  

Elena Davies

First impression: I kinda want to fuck her.

Bio: Ugh.  Nevermind.  She’s trying way too hard to be a dude bro.

Interview: I sat here for longer than I should trying to come up with something to say about her.  So.... that says something about her.

Jason Dent

First impression: What in the literal fuck?  Is he a goddamn joke?  Is Grodner fucking with me?

Bio: <cackling> He said “yes” for his strategy.  I’m... I’m just... I’m just so done.

Interview: Can I get those 6 minutes of my fucking life back? Dude couldn’t even answer half the questions because he’s never seen the show.  Ok recruit.  You couldn’t even be bothered to learn everything that you can on the show you’re about to go on?  You deserve to be the first one voted out. Don’t get me with that son shit.

Jessica Graf

First impression: We’re going to fight.

Bio: Ok.  Her favorite player is Janelle.  And she admits that Instagram’s one true use is to spy on people.  I kinda liked that she put that out there with the boob comment.  But her strategy is so... basic.  But it’s also honest and probably the best way to win if you’re a girl (don’t @ me.  There’s too much precedence for this not to be a valid statement).

I’m so conflicted.  And I’m disappointed in myself that Jessica is the one to do it.

Interview: She hit on Jeff.  Let me repeat... she hit on Jeff.

And I’m still torn.  I want to hate her SO MUCH.  But I kind of like her honesty.  She’s either going to be the biggest flop or she’s going to have the shit to back up all that conceitedness.  

Stay away from Mark.  I’m warning you.

Jillian Parker

First impression: The bubbly approachable blond.  Did I get her stereotype right?

Bio: <shakes head>  Uh uh.  Nope.  I’m not here for it Jillian!

Interview: Did she just try to slut shame Nicole?  And makes a point about how she is skinny now so Big Brother is finally possible?  And wants YOLO and BLONDEGIRLDONTCARE as her hashtags.  She is going to be the problematic queen.  Called it.

Josh Martinez

First impression: Awww.  So cute with the wittle baby face.

Bio: God damn.  What the fuck Josh.  Why do I feel like I’ve been slapped around by a 10 year old?  Watch him be the first one pussy whipped.  Oh what’s that Penny Cauliflower? 

Interview: Ew.  Just fucking ew.  Jozea... is that you?

Only difference is I found Jozea entertaining.

Kevin Schlehuber

First impression: Professor Grandpa who tries to stay fit is either really cool and you want to smoke with him, or he’s really creepy and you want to light him on fire.

Bio: Can we just get the man his motivational speaking gigs right now?  I’m about to start seeing Kevin Schlehuber quotes all over god damn Pinterest now.

Interview: Dude... no one gives a shit about all your fucking kids.  I don’t care that so and so lives in LA or that Billy Joe Sue just graduated from fucking high school.  I don’t want to watch Grandpa talk everyone to death.  I’ll just go home for that.

Mark Jansen

First impression: How many dude bros do we need?

Bio: I’m probably going to chew my arm off in the morning when I realize what I’ve rolled over next to, but Mark is bae right now.  I don’t even care that he looks like my middle toe on my right foot.

Interview: God damn it Mark.  Do not Zaulie me this year.  Because I will light you on fire.  

Still bae.  Even more bae.  He’s so fucking cute.

Season hasn’t even started and I’m already thirsty.  God damn it Mark.

Matthew Clines

First impression: Well... hello, daddy.

Bio: Ok.  Please don’t be a racist or homophobic or say some really problematic shit about women... because I want to climb you like a fucking tree.

Interview: He smiles too big.  Like Parrotwanta Cracker.  He actually reminds me a lot of him.  I wonder if he kissed his dad on the lips too during his introduction video.

Megan Lowder

First impression: I like her hair...?

Bio: So do ya’ll remember that really awful spin-off show with the girl from Rock of Love or Flavor of Love or whichever one of those shitty VH1 shows she was on.  Her name was Megan too, and this Megan looks a lot like that Megan except she’s seen a lot more.

I guess my point is that this is the only thing I’m going to be thinking about when I see Megan.  And it’s going to be the only reason that I remember her name.

Interview: Who?  I don’t think she’ll have any problems “staying under the radar.”  Jeff didn’t even want to talk to her.  She had the shortest interview.

P.S. Stop laughing.

Ramses Soto

First impression: Awwww.  Why would Grodner do this to him?  He’s going to get chewed up and spit back out.

Bio: This is your superfan?  Well I’ll be god damned.  Geeky on all fronts, huh?

(Let’s be honest.  This is my kind of man.)

Interview: Oh my god.  He shaded Jeff.  With a smile on his face.  He is my literal favorite.  

and last but not least...

Raven Walton

First impression: No.  I take that back.  Definitely least.

Bio: You are a god damn grown ass woman and your hair is in buns with cute white bows?  Bitch... get real.  Why do I feel like this is going to be our, “Oh I didn’t know saying (your chosen racial/homophobic slur) was a bad thing! Oh gosh!”

Wait... did she say all female ghost hunting group?

Interview: Jesus Fucking Christ.  I cannot with her.