#Ive had many friends through the years but dont think theres many barely one ... Ive felt i didnt need to act all the time we spend togethr

[modpoppy]

gonna actually vent about it

its just so hard to describe the feeling of being a corelet post-system collapse. like, i only just found out that theres an explanation for what i am when ive basically been telling myself i must not have counted as a real system since its been years of silence

like first and foremost, i cant.... dissociate anymore? not the way i used to, not in a recognizable way, i think it still happens sometimes, it just feels different and wild and hard to pin down. i also think maladaptive daydreaming has taken up so much of my consciousness im barely aware of anything half the time. but i used to constantly trigger it for myself (mostly because everything just. fucking sucked) and it was a process and it was a way to blip through everything, and now im just... always here, always hearing and seeing and feeling and thinking and thats SO fucking scary???? imagine if you remained aware and conscious every time you slept, even when you didnt dream, you just have to sit there and try not to let your thoughts wander too much. i think its bc i dont have anywhere to go? theres just no SPACE right now, i was able to simply leave consciousness and wait it out as a last resort before, now it feels like im glued straight to the world

i dont know how to express the inherent wrong feeling of always having had a chorus to bitch about things with and suddenly being alone. i think especially since i dont have any friends right now it feels a bit worse, i am literally only ever posting nonsense on here or talking to my sibling (who is at best somewhat insufferable). i cant really comprehend how someone could prefer this, honestly, to each their own but we were an actual dumpster fire before and id still go back to that instead because wed have the chance to TALK

and on that, i loathe the person that came before me and the way things used to work. i have so many memories of the good we shared, the people i miss and the fun interactions, but i also know that we ran this ship basically as toxicly as you can imagine, everything that could have been done wrong it did. this wasnt even our first, or second, or probably third collapse, but i think this ones lasted so much because we got into INCREDIBLY bad places in the last stretch. we were practically non-functional save for the overworked host, who in turn took it out on everyone else for being disruptive and dangerous and picked favorites and broke promises.

so, it sucks knowing im ostensibly based on them, built out of their brain. it sucks that ill be forever tied to the person they were and i cant really say we arent the same. it sucks that ive been saddled with their life choices and if i think too hard about it i dont know where what they decided we want ends and where whatever i am begins. i dont even know if i really am interested in accounting or if thats a residue.

but yeah so im over here like. i dont feel valid talking about system things. i feel deceptive not talking about system things. i want to reminisce but i dont want to talk about the old system. i want to talk about system things but i feel like a poser or something. in theory i know its my business and i dont need to prove anything to anyone but in practice well

evidence is everything in the court of peers

i miss them and i hate them and i accept the existence of anyone now and future and it scares me, that i may stay alone forever, and that i may never know if or how we couldve worked out our differences and settled into a life we could all live. maybe one day. i dont know how or if it can be sooner. i dont know what ill do until then.

[its-no-biggie]

yes yes yes and this is why season 15 is so grimmons. because grif leaving is the first real conflict between them- its the first time they NEED to talk about their feelings, so you really get to see how bad they are at it. because their love for each other (and i mean love in a general sense, not necessarily romantic. romance or not, they do canonically love each other) still seeps out in all of their actions, so even if they cant verbalize it, theres no denying that its there. "how are my friends? is simmons okay? did you talk to him?" "haha, hey grif- .....oh. right." like theyre constantly thinking about each other and they miss each other SO BADLY. but then what do they say when they finally meet again? theres grifs apology, of course, but then when they actually get the chance to talk one on one, its like, super awkward. theyre just like "its good to see you" or some shit and thats IT. because theyre both feeling So Much and have no idea how to talk about it!!

and what i find even MORE interesting is the fact that that talk was set up as the emotional resolution, where they finally talk about their feelings, but that doesnt happen. the ACTUAL emotional resolution was the simmons vs gene fight. cause like, lets walk through this, shall we?

after their "talk", things are still a little uncertain between them- neither of them knows where they stand with the other.

grif walks in on the fight between simmons and gene.

grif could have asked any kind of "only you would know" question. gene knows almost nothing about grif! "what planet were we on when sarge took half the base for himself and we had to share a room" or something along those lines. hell, he couldve even thrown the responsibility back on simmons (which is a VERY grif move): "tell me something only simmons would know" or something.

but he didnt do that. he chose their decades old inside joke- one that the 2 of them have mentioned several times throughout the show.

that inside joke represents their years of shared history. whether grif intentionally chose it because it had significance, or it was just the first thing he came up with, doesnt change the significance of this question. it either means he was intentionally reminding simmons of their history together, or that he was ALREADY THINKING of their history together. and i sincerely doubt it was the former, given how terrible they are at communication. an intentional secret code? not their style. an unintentional baring of their true feelings? absolutely in character and an excellent follow-up to the "talk" where they didnt talk.

but either way, this is grif reaching out to simmons. this is him not-saying "i miss what we had. i dont want to lose this."

AND he asks it in a way that, if simmons doesnt catch it, it means their relationship is behind him. it means that inside joke, all those years together, dont mean as much to him as they do to grif.

but of course he catches it, of course he remembers, because hes ALSO thinking about their history together and wants to go back to the way it was.

and then they send gene over a cliff and their relationship immediately goes back to normal. because theyve both confirmed that the other person still cares!!

also, honorable mention for the line right after, where grif is the only one who can tell simmons and gene apart, AND he hated gene (and obviously likes simmons). something something grif is the only one who knows simmons on a personal enough level to tell the difference. anyway

god. its such a good scene, ive watched it so many times. because even though i hadnt really articulated my thoughts until now, the TENSION in that scene gets me every time. its not just because simmons life is on the line, its an important question for grif! he needs simmons to understand the reference because if he doesnt, what does that say about their relationship? god. i need to lie down

anyway. sorry for getting all analysis on your ship post op. also no promises about the quality of the analysis because i havent watched season 15 in ages and also its 6am (havent gone to sleep yet)

one thing i really like abt grimmons is, in a way, the only thing really in the way of it is their rancid communication skills and pathetic inexperience with romance. like, grif and simmons both know everyone else fucking knows. they also do couple-y things and they KNOW it. the thing is they just DONT fucking talk about it. they are ALLERGIC to feelings and talking it out. its NOT a matter of stupidity and ignorance — they just dont fucking know how to even BEGIN to navigate it, and it fucking kills me dead.

i LOVE that. i love how theres this really unspoken codependency that toes the line and breaks both of their brains.

its not quite pining in the traditional sense of the word. but its not like its unrequited. its like mutual emotional twister. how far can we go without directly tackling the issue? how the fuck do we even adapt traditional romance when we’re fucking 40 or something and all we’ve known is war and death and sarcasm? left hand red, right hand orange. LOL

[unaffectedemergency]

Hi okay, so i read this sungjin fanfiction years ago on ao3, it was amazing, brilliantly written, and i cant find it anymore. Since then i've started using a new email and everything so basically theres no traces of it either so i decided to take things to tumblr and see if i can find it somehow (it may even be possibly deleted).

okay so it was a one shot where mc meets sungjin at a party (or some sort of gathering) and he's a mutual because both their best friends are friends. they already kinda know each other (there was this really nice mention of their lives orbiting each other but never meeting) and i think the mc was a cake supplier and she'd baked the cake for the party. and sungjin was well, sungjin w the band and everything. i think the mc had pink hair, i might be wrong here. but yes they both get pushed to pretend to date each other for their own reasons and they barely know each other but go along with it so that they dont have to be humiliated. it might have been something to do w a wedding cause i remember a bride and groom being there, and they were their friends. mc had a reputation for staying single or something so everyone was so surprised to hear she was dating. then the whole time they passed snarky comments at each other, they danced for a bit, and then she had to go? or needed to? so they both got in his car and drove away??????? i think. there was def something to do w a car and them driving away.

oh and the only thing i can find about it is from this doc from like 2018/19 in which i used to put paragraphs or sentences that i found were nicely written, and thats:

"He was willing to be a fool in front of anyone who was able to keep their eyes open for long enough."

this.

so if anyone knows this author/ fanfiction, please help ive been browsing all night tryna find it, ive tried god knows how many tricks to find stuff. there was also another work from this author i really REALLY liked that i remember even less about

if i find it through this post ima believe in god again

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

i don't get it. im in a position where i can make so much progress. ive had interviews damn near every day this week. I go to therapy now. i dont do pills. i eat. i try to talk out what im feeling more. but its just not enough. theres STILL something there and im edging closer to it. i can feel it. im on the brink of something horrible. i dont know what's going to happen once i reach that point. im scared of what'll happen. but it feels like once it comes i wont be able to hold back. i genuinely dont know how i did this before

being so busy.. i think it was a buffer. i never felt involved in my feelings really. id just ignore them and hide them away. in one hand, im glad i am where i am. the highs i feel feel so different from back then. ive never felt satisfaction like i do now. some times anyway. but the lows STING. i can really simmer on them now. it gives the gnawing insecurities Ive been feeling a meaning. a place in me that i have to accept. i have to actively accommodate for it all now. or ill implode

every day feels like a gamble. i cant express how little i want to do/be here. i dont care about any of this fr. i care about hurting people. its paralyzing. Ive always been such a people pleaser and i cant let it go. I will minimize everything until i absolutely cant anymore. and atp i feel so backed into a corner. my only two options seem to be either blow up and forced somewhere until i can find the drive to do something other than killing myself... ooor... kill myself. i swear that wasnt on purpose lmfao. but seriously. i mean what are the other options? i can barely push myself to do anything anymore. i dont care to. id isolate from everyone if they didnt reach out so often. well that and they notice now. ive ghosted everyone too many times they all know to just act sad so ill come back T^T

i get really tempted to tell my best friend about all this. i feel like i talk too much about myself nowadays. or talk too little or too boringly on others. but then i reread ts i used to say back/how i used to say it and i think ? i prefer us now ??

HA nah. im sure its the insecurity talking. i really do love her. she is the one and only i know will stick around no matter what. no matter how boring or how angry i get she does not hate my guts. i wish i didnt like her so much tbh. it makes me angry how angry i get with her sometimes. i cant help myself when i notice something off. shes the one person i can openly express my frustrations without consequence. but i take it too far cause of it. ive had no experience with that sorta shit. i try to be better to her cause of it. i think its only fair. the junk ive put her through this last year.. the rage ive thrown at her. thee inattentiveness. selfish. ive been too focused on making myself feel better that ive let her sting because of it. i want to make it up tenfold. she deserves more. and if i cant have her in the way i want her, i will do my best in whatever place she wants me in instead. for now, thats been a more casual friendship. she doesnt talk to me as much about her feelings. her heart is really broken about her ex. as much as i dont understand what she sees in her i know that she needs her time to bounce back. i think shes getting it out of her new person. she talks about how annoying she finds her and how she disrespects her boundaries a lot. they broke up almost immediately. but she stuck around because she felt obligated to and now i think theyre building something better. hopefully. i dont meddle as much now. i dont want to hear it + prying shit from her is NOT worth the effort. when shes ready, shes so eloquent. i love listening to her talk. even when its about nothing

im gonna stop babbling about her now. i wish i wasnt so close with her i swear i make myself disgustingly obvious.. anyway. i bring up all that to say, her battery is dead. i want her to focus on making herself feel better for now. she needs to stop overextending herself so damn much. i wont let myself be another burden for her to bear. though with such a giant rush of new feelings and a single person that i know loves me no matter what.. its kinda hard

i wish that i could talk through everything with her. if only it were that easy.

i think im going to relapse not gonna lie. it makes no sense not to. ig for my health but aside from that? itll help me feel more careless. i wont need to cut myself, i wont need to blow up, i wont need to think anymore. i can just focus on acting sober annnd holding down a job. much easier than holding back whatever this is now. if this could come out of me without leaving a broken mess, i would. but if i ever told anyone my true feelings id make them sad. i need to lash out to gain the momentum to bring it up.

im gonna stop writing now. i feel like ill go on forever again.. its just been tangent after tangent

[mrfoox]

I wish there was some easy/quick way to fix me

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

Hey there! In honor of Thanksgiving in the states, can you tell us three things your MC is grateful for this year? What about their LI?

And if you want to tell us three things your thankful for too, go for it!

ooh ty for this ask!! (this got really long whoops)

Jensen:

The opportunities he's had in his career. Jensen came from as close to nothing as you can get, and the fact that he's made it so far is something he's incredibly grateful for (even if he doubts it here and there). The support system he's gained from his career as well as the expansion of his knowledge and education are things he never fathomed having before. He was so focused on surviving for so long he didn't think he could ever have anything extra or more, and now that he does, he couldn't imagine living without it.

Bryce of course. Jensen has a running list of poor decisions, many of his ex-partners on it, but Bryce is genuinely so different to anyone he's ever been with. Sure, in the beginning Jensen didn't think it would be that way, but after Bryce's initial,, yk,, being Bryce, it was very clear how much he cares. He listens, and is genuinely interested and invested in Jensen and what he finds important. He's always there with support whenever Jensen needs it, but he's also there just to make him laugh, too. Jensen is so grateful that Bryce is a part of his life, and that Bryce reciprocates it just as much.

The friend group. He's thankful that he's found a solid group of people who care about him and share similar interests. They're in it forever, and whether it be a celebration or the opposite, they're going to be there for each other. They're fun and entertaining but they know when to take things seriously. They share the same sense of humor, make fun of each other in a loving way, and would defend each other at any opportunity. Not only is he thankful that they're all in his life, he's thankful he gets to be a part of theirs, too.

Bryce:

How well he's done for himself since moving away from his parents. He had to figure out how to live, support himself, put himself through med school, and manage a new career without any support or advice. But guess what? He did it. He may bullshit and be cocky about his self confidence, but he's genuinely proud of himself for how far he's come and knows it wasn't easy. He's thankful that he was able to thrive despite conditions that were most certainly against it.

His family. The one he's made for himself, with Keiki, Jensen, and the pets. They're people he chooses to have in his life and (most of the time) they make it so much better. They can all be a pain in his ass here and there, but he knows they'd never do anything to intentionally hurt him.

Also the friend group. Bryce has learned a lot since being around them, and he's grateful they've given him the opportunity to grow and prove himself as a supportive friend. Though he's not as close as the roomies, he's thankful they include him as closely as anyone else. They're genuinely good people, and they push him to be better, but they're always there for him to fall back on if he needs it. If he needs anything, he knows he could go to any one of them and they would help without question or hesitation.

Me :)

ngl this fandom. i was in a really bad slump for a few months, uninterested in a lot of things i used to love and isolating myself because of it. but then i started interacting here, and it took barely any time at all for yall to welcome me in. this space is genuinely so important for me, and i thank all of you for being so kind

my family. weve all started working on ourselves a little more and things are becoming much more enjoyable, so ive actually been looking forward to the holiday season this year :)

just some of the people ive met this year. theres a handful of them that have changed my perception drastically, and even if they dont know it, im very thankful that theyve become a part of my life and routine

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

He did? Umm.. what happened exactly?

(referring to this post)

my 11th grade chemistry teacher had an associates degree in liberal arts.

you know how in virtually every class you’ve ever had since middle school, your teachers made a big stink about the syllabus? she didn’t have one. this was her first teaching job, which she got because of her length experience as a substitute, not by her licensing qualifications. we were, at first, excited to have her, because she was a “fun sub” and we were 17 years old and stupid as all shit. we were the “normal chem” class in a system where the only other options were “honors chem” which was filled with children who actually know how to study (or cheat) and have an air of proper student activity, and “AP Chem”, which is clear enough if you’ve been an american student in the last 15 years.

she followed the mcgraw hill chemistry book in order of chapters, despite the fact that our state standardized tests did several of the chapters out of order. ever notice how you’ll suddenly be looking at chapter 11 when just last week you were on chapter 5, then the next week you’re on chapter 8? standardized testing is the reason. anyways by asking my friends in other classes who had chemistry teachers of relative competence, i was able to discern which chapters i should focus on, and while she was distracted with literally watching youtube videos all period, I was turning around in my seat and walking across the classroom helping my friends and enemies with the packets. (she was a two-packets-a-week kinda teacher.)

yes i said enemies too. the people i hated, i hated because they were sons of bitches i wouldnt piss on to put out a fire. i hated them so dearly i used to pray to god that they would bump into me so i could throw myself into the concrete and split my forehead open and get them expelled due to the blood-clause of our “zero-tolerance policy”. two of the kids in my class had, only the previous year, attempted to set my hair on fire.

i hated the teacher more. 

it gave me extreme pleasure to see her fume and clench her fists when a student would say “i need help” across the classroom and she would move to get up and they would say “oh not you miss, im waiting for vicky.” jesus christ the only time ive ever felt a comparable high was when i was at a halloween party in college where i was literally so zooted i couldn’t move.

it got worse over time, her getting more and more angry, my ego growing larger and larger. i was a huge bitch in high school, i really thought i was the smartest bitch in the room at any given moment. severe main character syndrome. imagine that kind of person actually being right for 45 minutes out of every day. can you even comprehend the kind of frustration that would create? in a room full of little sociopaths who dont give a shit about anything but getting this joke of a class over with so they can graduate? your first real teaching job and they look right past you, the teacher, to this annoying little shit whose grades are completely abysmal? how are they managing to learn anything from a child who can barely speak in front of more than 10 people? who turns cherry red in the face of literally every authority figure in the building except you? who can’t concentrate and stay still in one spot for more than five minutes? all of your other classes behave! they listen! they sit down and shut up and do the packets! so what fucking gives!!!

so you say “fine, since you all HATE ME so much i just won’t teach then!!!” on literally week fucking ten of teaching. and instead of prostrating themselves before you, begging you to like... point at transparencies and read directly from powerpoints i guess.

and they all collectively say “okay” and let the chipmunk child flutter between desks and help them memorize formulas and mnemonic devices and shit. surely her grades will suffer if she’s constantly dealing with other people and you’ll have justification that her horseshit is “distracting” and “a detriment to her studies”. she got bored gave up on that after two days after nothing changed.

then we did the midterm.

except at the end of the exam packet was something we never learned because again, she was going through the book chronologically. because i actually enjoyed the chem book (so much that i stole it when the year was up lmao), i knew the material.

it was about lewis dots/structures. i couldn’t tell you a damn thing about it today but in december 2010 i absolutely knew that shit. i didnt have too much of a problem with it in the exam, but the students who had gotten to that point were complaining and at first she pulled that “you should have been studying independently uwu” shit but the class was about to get loud during exam period so she shushed us and said that when we get to that point, just stop, and she’ll mark it correct during grading, no harm no foul just keep it quiet. one of the more confrontational students called horseshit and said theres no way we’re trusting that and there’s definitely no way anyone will keep an entire classroom cheating at the instruction of the teacher quiet.

i offered to teach it.

she scoffed, rolled eyes, said “sure fine but you can’t get your exam back” and i said “okay.” so when everyone was to the point in the exam, we piled them all on her desk and i used the whiteboard to briefly and quietly explain lewis dots, used the book examples and problems, and helped the other kids understand. there were a couple exam questions that were lifted straight from the book problems so i skipped those. while teaching i realized i had gotten a couple wrong which sucked :( it was an incredibly stupid experience overall, and no teacher worth the paper their certification is printed on would have allowed that to happen. and fucking yet.

anyways everyone but me got their exams back and finished it and many of us passed, only a few of them did particularly well.

discussing the chem exam with friends who also took the chem exam, many students found their anecdote about the lewis dots to be confounding, for you see, the exam we took was not, in fact, the midterm, but the god damned final.

she had us taking the fucking final because she didnt read the fucking folders which read “midterm” and “final exam” on them

she was reprimanded severely and we all had to take the exam on different days, in different classrooms, sitting very far apart. after that she hated me even more. like girl it was your fault lmao i am literally a teenager grow up lol. anyways you can imagine how much more fucking insufferable i became, knowing how miserable she was.

it all came to a head in february when some students were giggling quietly following a minor fuck up on her part regarding bellwork. they were making fun of her like “are you sure thats not tomorrows bellwork lol” and a friend next to me did the “hey i need help wait no miss not you sorry” thing and when i answered him, she solidly snapped. blah blah YOURE SOOOO DISTRACTING blah blah YOU THINK YOURE SOOOO SMART DONT YOU blah blah blah and she was like demanding i leave the room and shouting at the top of her lungs at me “ YOU POISON THE MINDS OF EVERY OTHER STUDENT HERE. YOU’RE POISONOUS VICTORIA, YOU’RE A VIRUS IN THIS CLASSROOM.”

i will never forget that line as long as i live. it was like crack to me. i moved to open the door to leave and the vp opened it first. he escorted me to the office and asked me what happened, then told me to keep my head down in class from now on, and that if i wanted to help my friends i should give them my number and help them out on our own time. i was like “bro thats really stupid” and he was like “thats all we can do right now but i promise we’re working on it”

i lasted the rest of the year giving smug smiles as we did packet after fucking packet for the rest of the year. they were all take-home work. i wasnt comfy giving my number to my enemies. the class camaraderie ended.

the final was altered. my class took a different final than the rest of the normal chem classes.

i started 12th grade and got a solid case of senioritis. i told that story to anyone who would listen. while it was happening, i obviously told my favorite teacher everything as it happened. when i mentioned it senior year he was like “oh yeah i forgot about her,

she was fired over the summer.”

[macklives]

session 92 end (bye 413...)

this session was so long but so fucking hectic what the fuck

im going to try and slim it down to its bare essentials rather than go on a full rant because im pretty sure i want to make a post later on about vriska’s characterisation (not anything about me liking her/disliking her, just an analyse on her life really, so it wont be too bias because thats not the point of an analysis. i also want to do one on aradia, been meaning to for a while... hmm... damn i havent done much analogies lately, and i THINK the last long post on a character i made was about davesprite??? so its been a fucking while. that being said, ill leave a lot of details out for this end of session notes so i dont just repeat myself later on. rather will keep to plot points here and then make character points in another)

alright

first we had a page or two where aradia confided in nepeta about her being dead which means nepeta is the only one to know this revelation. im pretty sure aradia confided because there was no other way around it, since nepeta was her server player, so it was inevitable. either way, aradia still put her trust in nep, which means, if you think about it, nobody else knows and nobody else ever will. and considering aradia asked nep to keep it a secret, it probably wont get explored by others until MAYBE later on, whenever its plot relevant, so everyone will be in the dark about it for a while which ill have to remember for future dialogue and scenes with aradia in them

then we met vriska

which, yes, is a meme. i may not have been on a lot of fandom platforms, but you cant escape some of the stuff that goes around the internet. even if you dont know undertale, im pretty sure you know of sans. or komaeda if you have/havent seen danganronpa. its just.. the memes, ya know? ive heard from many sources of the “vriska did nothing wrong” quote (even through mbmbam which??? WHAT) but since i didnt even know what it meant, i never explored it so then i never knew it was a homestuck thing. imagine my surprise...... i think even at the time, i wouldnt have known what homestuck was either honestly so it wouldnt even matter. i only recently learned about the fandom.... uhh, maybe half a year ago??? yeah, august, so my knowledge was slim but vriska is a thing ive heard before, which still shocks me

goddammit

anyways back to her

so her intro was something, we pretty much found out she likes DnD (a FANATIC in fact) and feeds her lusus the flesh of living trolls. which is fucked up. but i wont get too much into detail about that until i make a post about her life on alternia and the consequences of such. or maybe just alternia in general...?? or *both* heheheh but i feel i need more information before i go off on a tangent about that

then we met??? white text dude?? who is a major asshole but an asshole with insults that hURted, to think i felt bad for VRISKA when that happened. woah.

i said before, but... karkat, he cant really hit deep because his insults are just HIM and his way to express himself. like some people find it natural to just go “FUCK YOU” to show emphasis on a point, and thats just karkats way. he may do it so aggressively that it takes you a second to realize what he said, but usually i dont take anything to heart whenever he spurts out some insults. ive progressed to the point where whatever he says, is just “karkat” and not him trying to be actively mean. rather, its now funny whenever he does say anything SOMEWHAT creative, dude has an imagination that goes on for miles

but vriska?? she IS trying to be a bully, you can tell. but i feel theres something much more to that. like shes trying to prove herself and her “blueblooded” demeanours or whatever the hierarchy is. she doesnt want to show emotions so she makes herself a barrier by being mean is what i can gather from her conversation with kanaya. im pretty sure youre not supposed to understand her until its pointed out and rather see her as an “antagonist” at first, but yeah, her insults are more pitiful than anything and i also cant take her too seriously. i may not like her as a person but her character is interesting because you cant always have the goodie two shoes as the protags. it doesnt diversify the characterisation so i like vriska as someone who makes the plot work and it becomes more interesting since you have someone that makes it harder for the main crew to progress. a happy-go-lucky adventure with no trouble and no turnabouts would be boring in a way. so having a character like vriska, or like this new white text guy, it makes you stop for a second and realize oh shit okay, here’s where shit CAN go wrong and WHY. and i do especially like it when these bastards of characters somehow have more depth than being the “bastard characters”. kinda humanizes them in a way. doesnt mean you have to LIKE them continuously, but theyre humans (trolls whatever) in the end and every person has their own story whether its for better or for worse

for example, i like her being placed into the story, along with white text, by how its all leading to this “accident” and is slowly showing us hints on what happened, but in the end, it wont be until later that we know the full story. even if it was in the past, it apparently is very vital to the plot and shapes how the characters act in the future, so important aspects like that are to look out for. and usually they only occur when theres been some trouble within friend dynamics. so without these bastard of characters, plot wouldnt grow AS strong and i often keep that in mind when i explore a story.

anyways, I HAD A POINT TO THIS: so vriska and karkat are characters who are yes, mean, but it seems to be their personality, and the way they either show emotions and convey feelings (karkat) or make a barrier so they DONT show emotions to produce vulnerability (vriska), white text guy seems to mostly be out to be an asshole. he told vriska she was useless to sum it up but im not too sure if this is one of those “first dialogue” to mould out a bias opinion before we even get to the character themselves, but judging by how vriska and karkat played out, he surely means something bad and i dont know how to explain it. but i cannot base anything off from one piece of dialogue. i dont even know what else to call him other than white text guy so...... ill just leave that out for now, until we finally get his introduction

though, i do wish to mention, and will expand on, im not wrong when i say karkat and vriska are similar but in different context. sorry if youre favourite is karkat and you dont like vriska, or vice versa, but uhhhh their introductions are so similar its uncanny and the way they’re portrayed is the same except one is more on crack about the meddling, while the other is angry about the meddling. similar to how it was with karkat, we were introduced to vriska talking with someone we knew (tavros) whom she obviously didnt like, so obviously, from her point of view, she wanted to be menacing. like how karkat was menacing to jade because she wouldnt listen to his point... he got angry, so he lashed out. but us, the readers, didnt know that. we thought “oh god its this asshole” until we made it further in the story and started to warm up to karkat. it may not be the same with vriska, she may be a bully regardless, but you cannot tell me we moulded a bias towards her character as we did when we first read karkat. theyre both truly mean to other people, maybe both for different reasons, but i do want to point out the similarities and not leave that out. im pretty sure andrew basically gave us a conversation that formed our opinion of a character right off the bat rather than go into depth of WHY they did it, and how they are naturally without the conditions of the game. which, you can also see with vriska when she conversed with kanaya. andrew started off with a character who only appears to speak once, and makes you judge them from first appearance alone, without any explanation as to why they said what they said and how they are with other characters, let says. so you assume they were simply a rude character. now look how karkat turned out. so im guessing in homestuck, the first impression should never be the opinion you stick with until MAYBE 5 more conversations with that character (each one different)

OKAY done with the vriska introduction, now to slutquius

yes, hes kinda weird, i have stated that many times. i have no idea what to say about him other than he likes porn, he likes centaur dick which just so happens to be his lusus as well and if that isnt a red flag idk what is

he also likes his lusus milk, right from the udders of his guardian

fun times, fun times

my opinion of equius kinda.. differs. which i should really put in place the “dont judge by first impression” rule, because at first i thought he was rude with, then i thought he was hhh okay, because i understood why he was being so protective over nepeta and her team placement, since the people she was going to play with WERE dangerous. but if you think about it, both sides will probably put you in danger. it just depends on which ones you confide in more to protect your back rather than those which would cause trouble on purpose, in my HONEST opinion. so equius was a little overdramatic on that part, but i got what he meant. he was on the blue team and he didnt want to leave nepeta alone without him on the red. but then this session happened. and he went back to being weird again because of the whole porn thing, especially being so open about it like dude chill youre 13. but the thing is, then i felt bad for him because hes basically touch starved. to say that he could break anything he touches, i doubt people would go up to him for hugs. in fear they would be crushed to death by a simple hug. so im guessing hes rather lonely and doesnt really know how to interact because of this. so i felt sad that he had to live a life where he needs to be careful of everything he touches so it doesnt break randomly. see? poor dude. but then things got weird. and im pretty sure hes a masochist. so my opinion on equius is a fucking cosine graph

which brings us to the final point:

gamzee and equius’ conversation

i dont even know.....like.........gamzee was unaware that equius was using him for his own power play roleplay, right? gamzee knew it was a roleplay but it had had some.. idk.... obvious sexual implications? and i bet gamzee didnt really know that? he thought they were only venting out through a simple roleplay and trying to get closer because he originally thought equius hated him, considering equius flat out said “i hate you” and gamzee went “you tell me everyday and im okay with that” so.. gamzee probably wanted only to get closer to equius so he helped out his little problem which.. thats so sweet but i feel bad he was coerced into something he didnt get, especially since he was innocent enough to go along without knowing equius’ true gain

anyways, equius was getting off with the hierarchy thing. considering he’s “lower” than gamzee, and gamzee is surprisingly ...high on the spectrum??? so equius wanted gamzee to boss him around, because it felt only natural to him since he’s the “inferior one” and gamzee is The Big Man. like i get that, but it was written in a way that was so uncomfortable, that i wish i didnt. equius is just a weird character... hes not BAD per say, but hes... hes something alright

but im really liking gamzee. the two things which struck me in that one conversation, was the “i dont get why we should dictate people by the colour of their blood, i just see people as people” piece of dialogue and “i cant go around pleasing just everything so its alright if you hate me”

thats... so good, idk. i really liked that. i also really liked when kanaya said “youre dangerous but dangerous people are needed and are important because it shapes you” like <33 my fucking heart

god homestuck may be a tad on the weird side with some of its characters but it surely knows how to create great lines of dialogue

and that concludes the long 4 hour session i did, hope you all enjoyed it

with that, i rest

[vanityloves]

anyways im gonna listen to/read the fuckin...rise of the ogre shit bc ive been putting it off 🪓🥴 im gonna put stuff under the cut bc im gonna be TALKING n dont wanna make a new post everytime

piss

ok he performed for 2 pounds 50. which is basically $3 today i- well it was absolutely a power play on his father behalf that also had the promise of money so.

also lol he said Rejection fueled my ambitions which, yknow,, i already knew but it still hurts and i will continue to talk ab it xoxo

AH HELP. "...if ebay had been invented at the time he would've sold me online there and then,"

"man hands on misery to man, yknow"

THEN PROCEEDS TO CONNECT IT TO MUSIC/HIS CAREER. this man said :) the one thing i truly have a passion for. the one thing i fucking like.

oh yeah. bullied by students AND teachers.

oh god hes 42ish during this interview? ok.

the fuckin school bully saying he wouldve acted differently if he knew what hed become

getting called "faceache", then proceeds to call 2d that. jfc he really does just repeat what everyone says. really "treating others how i was treated/how they treat me"

maybe thats why? hes kinder to fans? bc :] you support me and like me so, ok ill return that energy

MURDOC GETTING HIS ASS BEAT N PARADING HOME LIKE WELL I WON BC 'I PISSED YOU OFF' SJDJD

a real rowdy boy. absolute nasty boy. fraud and arson... shooting ppls windows with his air pistols

black sabbath being a huge inspiration? fucking absolutely.

became a satanist n shit at age 16? "it fitted me like a glove" "heavy metal and devil worshipping became my favorite past times" ajsj funny that ppl in trying times often seek religion or following of some sort

heavy metal being his favorite, n loving the clash, while hannibals was more punk based

hannibal breaking murdocs nose for the 2nd and 3rd time for playing his music on hannibals turntable

he doesnt sound that bitter? ab hannibal? he doesnt sound incredibly fond but he talks ab how he got him into a lot of music. so, i imagine they we're a bit closer than i thought?

international baccalaureate in antisocial? anthropology?

MURDOC IS ACTUALLY SMART HE WAS JUST. NOT INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECTS? I GUESS? (also,,, he literally Built cyborg noodle and i think he had a PhD too lol. but its always nice to hear hes actually...yknow, interested or good at other things)

alright but murdoc having a fascination w/ other cultures - or at least some interests, that lead him to actually study the damn subject and "pass with flying colors"

'fuck college though. im gonna be a rockstar'

he sold his soul at 18ish? whenever the fuck he got kicked out but college was mentioned so my brain goes to 18ish idk

he lived with his father still and paid rent via low paying jobs one including 'part time dressing as santa'

help he was ab to take a Personal Job for quick cash and uhh well, "still made me call him sir though" he really said 20 dollars is 20 dollars, huh "that story was totally true"

alright, 1997,,,

2d stuff

loves zombie stuff? thats really cute, and is freaked out by the way they move. god he rambles

both he and murdoc are horses in the chinese zodiac

[[jfc ok if the official shit compares them a lot i understand why ppl ship them but Dont. its a narrative foil and that doesnt always mean Romance jfc.]]

SUMTHINK.

truly... a lil stinker. super cute bouncing baby and a "bit thick" which is stull so endearing to me. hes just a happy man!

excitable 10 year old and would dance around his room

jfc the fact he has normal/caring parents. i kinda forget how opposite hes supposed to be from murdoc but i think thats another thing jsjsysg (murdoc said why isnt my tragic story making me famous why does he get to be the Star. no wonder he acts like a loon)

i still dont get how gettin bonked by a tree branch made him go bald and also turn his hair blue

big tiddy nurse mommy,,,

went to the same school as The Cure and got decent grades despite hittin the noggin quite hard. WANTED TO BE A STORM CHASER... OMG??

oh thats really cute, hed bond with his dad by building keyboards toegther 🥺💕

messed around with paints and graffiti? artistic king

MURDOC AGAIN: QHDJ 'VILLANOUS' GANG HELP

oh yeah d day...new instruments, new band, new singer - and 'had to be the best or no dice' and absolutely CONFIDENT that his songs were bangers ajsjd

but on that same note, had absolute faith (or desperate) in 2d which i love

ransacked the fucking music shop jdjdj and 2d said he was Just Standing There behind the counter the whole shift hdhdh

"thats when your eye came out, yeah" "yeah!-" HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND SO HAPPY AB IT ?? yes he said ut hurt but he sounds...ok

jfc murdoc ragdolling this poor mf around. dunking him and slapping him around. actually? so incredibly terrible and abusive and i hate him for that 🔫 im sorry 2d stans. we dont condone that behavior here ong.

how and why the FUCK did 2d's parents allow that fucker near their child after that i??? help. wtf. his moms a nurse why didnt she just have murdoc sit in plain view of other people. god damn.

2d flying out the window n hitting the curb "whoops"

"just two black holes...[ah] it looked great...a blue hair, blacked eyed GOD- the girls would go wild-" "pretty boy looks" ???? HELP. HE DOESNT GO LIGHT ON THE COMPLIMENTS, HUH

RUSS TIME

oh yeah, he straight up kiddnapped this man help. idk how he managed that, russ is a Big Man??

AND MURDOCS MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING SEXY GOOD that russel said hm alright ill stay, :] out ifbhis owm free will im screaming.

"oh this is one of them febreeze commercials" "uh . yeah sure. *murdoc turning on his Sick Tunes*" but that either means? it was just his guitar playing the convinced russ? unless he and 2d recorded sumn?

"2d was the looks, murdoc the brains, then russel truly was the heart"

'while 2d and murdoc liked music, this man was a MUSICIAN' god fucking bless this book holy shit ny man russ getting some respect. he said back hurts from carrying this band.

murdoc basically heard this guy had big trauma that gave him So Many Skills n said "thats what i want" ok idk thats actually really? inch rest ting to me. seems that murdocs fine handing out compliments but i guess that where his charisma really helps out yeah?

"he was going to be in my band whether he liked it or not" ...murdoc-

HELP. 2D IS LIKE BRO GO ON IM LISTENING 🥺 despite hearing the story 50-60 times and murdoc said fuck off you lil shit.

ok irrelevant but i love his voice! its super comforting n nice to listen to 🥺

HELP MURDOCS SO BITTER. "NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS NORMAL" WELL YEAH. THIS IS TRAUMA CENTRAL.

idk how/why he sucked up all his friends souls though ... how are they all possessing the same person. they said "its my turn on The Russ"

DELL IS HIS ACTUAL, LITERAL SOULMATE...KING...😭

went to a private school,,, and was already possessed? and the thing where he gets bigger and smaller is a reoccurring thing?

was in a coma for 4 years?

hiphop machine...time and history...the ultimate set i guess.

his knowledge was infinite and hes a "Renaissance man" hes so fucking smart our king. jack of all trades but a master of drums. he said i know im good and what of it

PAULA.

HELP. HE RMBRS THE STALL: CUBICAL NUMBER 3 🥴 IF I DO RECALL 🤤

yes russel our king. fuck up his nose 5 more times. probably stunted his growth too. he shrunk after russ gave him a wallop im sure

why dies paula sound like tracer overwatch

also only dated 2d for 2 months before joining the band?

HELP SHE REALLY WAS THE FIRST MURDOC FUCKER: "but when i saw murdoc with his thick greasy hair, green teeth and yellow skin i thought 'oh this is the ine for me!'" "OH HES SUCH A DANDY-" HELP ME IM HQJDHD

sick in the head...like i want to hurt people help girl. shes fucking Crazy. but she rly said damn i didnt hear back from him again 😭 and my purse is gone JSHHD

MURDOC: SHE WAS DEPRESSINGLY UGLY *still fucked her*

NOODLE TIME

"small japanese person!"

2d: we werent gorillaz until noodle arrived!

im dying the reason he chose gorillaz. 'swinging through the jungle baring my ass'

noodle really said "im just happy to be here" and she balanced everyone out 😭 "she gave off pure love and the fact that she could laugh at murdoc REALLY helped too" RUSS... IS BABY

JFC MURDOCS SO FUCKING CONFIDENT IN THIS BAND IM LIVING FOR THAT. HE SAID YOU WANT US SO BAD IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID. THE CHARISMA

2d rambling ab some girl he met and "ssSs" "whats the s stand for hawhaw" "i dont know!".

THE RECORD LABEL GUY.

one song is all it took i ❤ good for them

just murdoc talking ab the party that they threw for thier deal and saying "you dont know how much of a dick i felt like [when carrying one of those huge checks]" like oh thats whatll make you a dick? alright.

A FOOD FIGHT THAT WENT SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED 2DS TONSILS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK

ahshdj damon and murdoc not getting along bc of Rival Band One Uppery + damon calling murdocs cuban heels crap since ge wore steel ones with gold spurs.

MURDOC FEELIN EMBARRASSED BC HES 'QUITE PROUD OF HIS SHOES'

but the band and damon getting over music and their ambitions and became a "paternal figure"

HELP MURDOC SAID AWIOGA @ RACHEL WHICH MADE HER THROW HER DRINK IN HIS FACE AND SPLIT FROM 2D. kinda sad actually, she said i still like 2d but murdoc kinda ruined it by trying to get it in with me, it put a strain in our relationship :/ oh god murdocs That Dude

nov 31 1998: started recording :]

40 tracks that got cut down to 15 holy shit

KONG STUDIOS 🤲

hooking up cameras in every room ejdjsu

webby artist of the year in 2006? holy shit

noodle learning ab kong studios omfg

JFC. YES I KNEW KONG WAS BUILT ON/IN A CEMETERY BUT I DIDNT KNOW PPL FOR THE FUCKING PLAGUE WHERE THROWN THERE HDJD

built in 1739?

the ghost of the first owners ghost still roams around in the kitchen in the early hours and moans 'aaa glass of water'

theres some rotting bullshit near the studios and in the summer its fucking TERRIBLE

the former owners were a biker gang, and they all died in a fire

murdoc said this place has bad vibes. i want it.

grim weather

the building feels impossible to escape from huHgg

[hxpemingi]

missing puzzle piece <3 s.c.b

a/n: this is my first ever lil au that ive written so please bare with me as i’m typing this as i go hehe (✿◠‿◠) sorry for any grammatical errors!!

Summary: you and changbin have been friends for years, you’ve always had a soft spot for this kid.  You have always had those lingering thoughts in the back of your mind that maybe one day this friendship could turn into something more..

word count: 2.6k 

genre/rating: oneshot!, friends to lovers!, female reader, college age, fluff, just pure fluff, angst if you squint.

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As the summer winds down and the sense of the cool breeze fills the air, i know soon enough that the fall semester is coming closer.  i dont mind school all that much, its even better that i get to spend the day with one of my closest friends changbin.  we’ve been friends for gosh knows how long and we act like brother and sister at this point. But nonetheless, theres always that feeling of “what if” in the back of my mind.... what if we did end up dating? I always feel like a puzzle with a missing piece.... I want to find someone to complete the puzzle.  As i shove those thoughts to the back of my mind i hear my phone buzzing on my bed.

-Binnie 6:30pm-

what u doing tonight? are you free??

-Y/N 6:33pm-

i have a hot date with a bowl of ice cream and the couch tonight, but i guess i can rain check. whatchu got planned?

-Binnie 6:37pm-

Wanna go to the beach with me and the boys? we plan on chilling and watching the sunset with a fire and a few drinks.  whaddya say you in?

-Y/N 6:40pm-

count me in...pick me up in 30

-Binnie 6:45pm-

shweeeeet see u then

As soon as i see that text, i put my phone down and change out of some comfy clothes and change into shorts and a cropped tee.  I should probably bring a hoodie but i know Changbin has a few in his car.  I swear that man has a whole closet in his car.  I put on a pair of slip on shoes so that way i can take them off when I’m at the beach.  As I’m putting on shoes i see Changbin’s car pull into my driveway.  After grabbing my house keys and purse I head down the driveway to get into the car where Felix and Han are in the backseat giving me the front seat.

“Glad you gave up your hot date with ice cream to hangout with us tonight” Changbin says as he heads down the road to get to the beach.

“You know i was gonna finish Avatar tonight and cry over my love for zuko but NOOOOOOO i’m gonna become a babysitter for 9 kids as they throw each other in the ocean” i say with the slightest bit of sarcasm

“Oh c’mon Y/N, the ending of avatar can wait. theres supposed to be a comet tonight!!!!” Felix chirps from the backseat

“Yeah Y/N the sky is supposed to be clear and we’ll be able to see it pass by, you wont be able to see it for another 100 years!” Han chimes in.

“They’re right Y/N, it’s a perfect night to watch it.  When will you ever be able to say you’ve seen a comet pass by in your lifetime?” Changbin adds to the conversation.

“I’m pretty sure I saw a comet that time where we were all star gazing on Minho’s roof last summer” i say to them as changbin pulls into the beach parking lot.

“Y/N i hate to break it to you, but that was an airplane.” Han says while Felix giggles.

I turn back at the giggling fools and give them a glare.

“I SHALL STAND BY THE FACT THAT IT WAS A COMET YOU TWO” i say back to the boys as Changbin puts the car into park.

We meet up with the rest of the boys who are currently setting up a makeshift fire pit and setting out some foldable chairs, thats when i realize theres 9 chairs but 10 people.  Guess I will have to sit in the sand.  I don’t worry about it too much when i see Chan currently chasing Seungmin with a dead jellyfish on a stick trying to poke him.  We haven’t been here a total of 5 minutes and there’s already chaos.

-

-

-

After an hour or two of the boys running around in the sand, throwing each other in the water, and a quite competitive game of tag, the sun starts to turn the sky the most beautiful shades of orange and red.  Chan runs to his car to grab a speaker and Hyunjin starts a fire.  Pretty soon the boys gather around the fire when Jeongin says 

“Guys theres only 9 chairs and 10 of us...”

“I’ll just sit on the sand.” I say as I get ready to sit in the sand.

“Y/N, just sit on my lap” Changbin says quietly as you didn’t hear him walk up behind you

“Nono Binnie it’s fine I-”

“No excuses, now come on” he says as he drags me with my hand in his.

While I’m sure no one saw that encounter, I’m pretty sure they see the huge blush that has crept across my face.  Sure I’ve sat on changbins lap before, we do it when theres movie night at Woojins place.  It’s nothing new between us but my feelings for Changbin push through my mind and soon enough, I’m sitting on his lap trying to make myself comfy on his thighs.  Changbin casually snakes his hands across my waist and i suddenly freeze up.  Well thats new, he normally never does that. I try to relax my body and for some reason, it feels natural.  I suddenly feel safe in his arms. 

“Does anyone know when this whole comet thing will come??” Minho says as the music plays in the background.

“According to my phone, it says that we’ll be able to see it pass through around 10 or so.” Felix says as he looks it up on his phone.

“Well since we have time to kill, how about a friendly game of truth or dare?” Hyunjin adds to the conversation.

the group and I nod our heads in agreement as the game of truth or dare starts.

“Seungmin, Truth or dare?” Hyunjin starts off.

“Dare” Seungmin says non chalantly.

“I dare you to run into the ocean with your shoes on” hyunjin says while everyone giggles

“Really? I just bought these shoes ughhhhh” Seungmin sighs as he gets up from his chair and runs towards the water

“I hate this i hate this i hate this” he says as everyone by the fire laughs hysterically 

Once he returns back to the shore where the fire pit is, he takes off his shoes and sits down with a huff.

“alright lets see, Y/N truth or dare?” He says as his eyes direct towards me and changbin.  

I’m not one to play these games so i decided to play it safe

“Truth” i say

“BOOORRRRRINGGGGGGG” Han says from the other side of the fire

“Hmm, when was the last time you kissed a boy?” he says and the group falls silent

Shit, when was the last time i kissed someone? well besides my cat Lucifer i don’t think i’ve ever kissed anyone? Do I lie and say last week? or do I tell the truth and say no one?

“uhhh never” I say in a quiet voice as everyone eyes are glued to me still.  I can feel Changbins gaze on me as he tenses up a little bit, squeezing his arms a little tighter around me

“You really haven’t kissed anyone? Not even that kid you were seeing last semester?” Changbin whispers into my ear

“No we went on two dates and he was a total square and was really boring, he never initiated anything anyways” I say back

“Alrighty Y/N, you can ask a truth or dare or have someone else pick” Seungmin says as he waits for my response

“uhm, Changbin can pick who goes next” I say as I look down at the sand, my feet becoming more interesting

“Can I dare myself?” Changbin says as the group shares a puzzled look with eachother. It’s quiet for a moment before Chan says

“I mean it’s not a rule that you can’t do it but I guess go ahead buddy”

“Alright, I dare myself that I go on a walk with Y/N for a bit. You guys can keep playing” he says and I perk my head up and turn around facing him, giving him a puzzled look.

“Why would you wanna dare yourself to do something so casual?” I say as I get up off of his lap. My waist feeling empty as I grew used to having Changbins arms wrapped around me

“It was beginning to get boring anyways, plus my leg fell asleep from you sitting on it” he chuckles

As we two walk away from the guys who are giggling and laughing, their voices become faint as all I hear are the waves crashing along the shore. It’s peaceful, it’s quiet, and it’s just Changbin and I.

It’s silent for a few minutes before Changbin exhales and stops for a moment to look at the water and the stars up in the sky.

“How come you never told me you haven’t kissed anyone? Cmon Y/N we’ve been friends for years. We tell eachother everything” Changbin says and I look over at the water avoiding his eye contact

“I just didn’t think it was that big of a deal. How lame is it that I haven’t even had my first kiss and my younger sister has for gods sake? I sound like a loser saying it. It’s easy for you to say, I bet you boast to the boys on how many girls fling themselves at you.” I say with a hint of jealousy at the end.

“I don’t think it’s lame y/n, you’re just saving yourself for someone special. And no I do not brag to the boys about “all the girls I get” when in reality I have a different girl in mind.” He says as he goes and steps in front of me. Faces inches away from each other.

I take a few steps back to get some space between us. He’s acting different. It seems like this girl is really sweet from the sounds of it. I try not to act jealous when I start to ask about her

“Who’s this special girl in mind huh? How come you never brought this up to me? Do I approve of her?” I start to spit fire questions at Changbin before he starts talking again.

“I’ve never brought it up to you because I don’t want to ruin anything that I already have with her. I’ve been so nervous to fully confess my feelings because there’s that thought in the back of my mind that maybe she doesn’t like me back.” Changbin rambles when you cut him off

“Why don’t you man up and do it already? I mean the worst thing she could say is no right? Who knows, maybe she does like you back.” I say and Changbin blurts out

“I like you a lot y/n, like a lot a lot”

Holy shit

Seo Changbin, my best friend of 11 years

Just confessed

That he likes me????

“I- I- really? You’re kidding right? Changbin don’t play with my feelings-“ I say before he cuts me off

“Y/n I’m serious, I’ve liked you for a long time and I didn’t know how you would feel, but I know it was stupid of me to confess you know? I probably ruined everything and now our friendship is ruined and nothing will ever be the same again and I-“ before he rambles himself into oblivion i cut him off.

“The feelings mutual binnie, I’ve liked you for god knows how long” i say as he looks up at me.

“I’ve liked you since that day when I jumped off the jungle gym in 3rd grade and you helped me to the nurses office. I’ve always had those feelings for you but I always pushed them back in my head because who knows how you would feel right? So whenever you went and saw other girls it made me the slightest bit jealous. Always wondering if that could be us someday. So then I went on dates with guys but nothing lasted for more than one date. They weren’t you Changbin. It was always you” I say so fast i almost run out of breath

We look at eachother for a few moments before Changbin wraps one of his arms around my waist, taking his other and tucking a few strands of loose hair behind my ear. We look at each other for a few moments as my hands snake up around his neck, definitely a feeling I could get used too. His eyes go from my eyes, down to my lips, then back up to my eyes.

“Since you never had your first kiss, may I?” Changbin says as he’s looking at me like I’m the finest piece of art in the world. Taking in everyone of my features.

“I’d thought you’d never ask” I say with a grin.

He closes the distance between us and both of our eyes close. His lips are warm and soft. Although I’ve never kissed anyone before I start to follow his lead and mirror what he’s doing. It’s a slow and adoring kiss. Not anything fast or sensual. We take our time to see how our lips mold into one another. We break away for a few moments and Changbin puts his forehead on mine.

“You know for not kissing anyone, it seems like you knew what you were doing” he says with a childish grin

“Eh from all the rom coms I’ve watched I feel like I had a good grasp of what I was doing” I say back before he kisses me again. 

I kiss him as if he’s going to disappear from me, pretty soon he has both of his hands around my waist, squeezing my sides earning a quiet yelp from me.  We break away the kiss again and i see him look up in the sky.

“Y/n there it is!!! It’s the comet” he says as he turns me around, hugging me from behind. His chin rests gently on my shoulder as we look at the comet pass by.  

“I don’t think I’ve seen anything more jaw dropping than this before” I say as i look closely at the comet passing by.

“Oh trust me princess, this comet is pretty. but nothing will compare to you” he says as he pecks my neck with kisses.

“We should probably go back before the guys round up a search party for us.” i say while leaving his touch and grab his hand, heading back to the crazy bunch of boys.

Once we make our way back to the gang they look at us with questioning looks, we’re both smiling like idiots and our hands are intertwined.

“What took you guys so long??? You missed the comet, you should’ve seen it!” Jeongin says

“Do i even wanna know what happened?” Chan says, raising a brow at us.

“Don’t worry guys, we stopped and saw the comet too. Nothing crazy happened.” Changbin says with a sheepish grin and I start giggling 

“Did you two confess to one another yet? I’ve been waiting for this.” Hyunjin says as the boys nod their heads in agreement.

“Yeah Bin, did you finally grow a set and confess? I was getting sick of the late night texts saying “ooooo im in L word my guy” “bro she looks so good today”- UGH” Han continues to ramble while Felix elbows him in the gut. 

Changbin and I look at each other and start laughing, he leans down and pecks me on the lips. Earning a few “awws” and an “ew” from Jeongin.

“Does that answer everyones questions?”  Changbin says as we sit back down by the fire. 

We sit back down and start chatting at the fire, talking about the comet and small talk in between. For the first time in my life, I feel content with everything. Content with these 8 crazy boys I can call my friends. And Changbin, everything feels so right finally. It feels like all the puzzle pieces have been put together

Changbin was my missing puzzle piece. 

And now the puzzle is complete.

[crowrelli]

go off king! let us hate her with you!!

To preface this, Miss G was not some cranky old lady with years of breaking 'bad students'. She made it very clear this was her second year out of college and out of being a teaching aid. She was suuuper young compared to all the other 6 grade teachers. Okay okay okay so. Ill probably reblog or edit this with more bc the wicked witch literally tormented me but these are just the most memorable- so here we go:

Every day we were assigned a daily learning sheet where we'd come in, work on some problems given to us at the start of the week, and warm up for class. Well, my school had a rewards policy called Snow Bears- in english, if you lost or forgot your sheet, you could buy a new one with a snow bear no questions asked. So, me being a tip top student, had been in the er all night for mental health stuff and forgot my bookbag at home. I came into class and asked her to please deduct a snow bear from me so i could have a sheet. She said no, go sit down and do your DLS. I explained to her again that i didnt have a dls and needed a new one. She said no, sit down and do your dls. I went and sat down, confused. After another minute i went and asked her again. Same response, this time bitchier. This went on for 15 MINUTES. finally she told me i was getting an F that day for refusing to do my dls. I went back to my desk, crying mind you, and snapped (this is crucial) my own mechanical pencil. She saw me dispose of it in the trash, started screaming, got me emergency removed from school with a suspension and a talk from police for... Get this.... "Breaking Of School Property."

She pulled me out of the line for school pictures to deliver me to my equally terrible and mean choir teacher. He told me i would amount to nothing, i was awful, stupid, obnoxious, disgusting, full of excuses, and finally: that i would probably be dead by 30. (All because my adhd adjustments said i was allowed to doodle in his class as long as i participated) I started crying and having a full on panic attack so he sent me back to Miss G and she, upon hearing me through wails, say i was going to be ugly for my school photos said "Oh dont worry. I think you look better like this!" In a cheery voice before shoving me back in line.

She sat me and the biggest bully ive ever faced in the desks right in front of her. I mean like. Barely a foot. His chair would scrape her desk occasionally. But she would just watch as he slammed my head into my desk multiple times. As he continuously called me fat and disgusting and told me to kill myself over and over for months. She literally laughed when he said "theres so many blackheads on your face you could make a life size copy of you. Thats saying something bc youre a lardass."

I saved up and begged my grandmother for months to get a yearbook for the first time ever bc i knew we'd be moving to a different school for 7th grade. I was so so excited the day they came in. I did like everyone else and gave them out to sign on the last day. Miss G went out of her way to give my book to a known bully and handed him a red sharpie. When i got my book back every. Single. Page. Was covered in red scribbles and insults. Every. Single. Page. Ugly, fat, worthless, stupid, etc. It was ruined. And when i went to her crying about it she just chuckled, flipped through the pages, and said "Oh so thats what he used my sharpie for."

She called me a wimp for throwing up when a friend accidentally stapled their hand n got blood on me.

She lived in the apartments right around the block from school, and also on my way home when i walked, and would frequently watch from a distance as i was bullied. One time, when things got really bad; a kid in my class thought id insulted his little sisters bag when i was riding by on my bike n said "nice bag!!" Bc i rlly liked the show it was from. Well him and a bunch of his friends pulled me off my bike as i was riding by and started to beat and kick me on the ground. I was even stabbed in the back by some scissors in my bag during one of the kicks. Instead of interrupting of pulling them off me, she asked them to let her by so she could get into her apartment. A couple minutes after the guys had left and i was still a crying puddle on the ground, a cop showed up, dragged me up by my clothes, and said a lady called in saying id instigated a fight i couldnt handle and needed to be picked off the pavement. My bike was ruined bc one of the dudes hit it with a brick so the cop had to drive me home. Upon my grandmother opening the door and explaining my side of things through tears and blood, she just sighed, motioned me in, and just said "What did you do to make them want to hit you?"

When we were all packing up for our final goodbyes to 6th grade and our elementary life she pulled me aside, hugged me against my verbal and physical wishes, and said "I hope there's no hard feelings between us. Yknow. Despite everything youve done in my class."

[mmmhowaboutno]

ive barely talked about this to anyone, i thought i got over it but you dont just get over stuff like this. i just wanna write it somewhere. a few days ago was august 3rd. three years ago on that day i was drugged and sexually assaulted in my own home by someone who i thought was my friend. i was friends with him for five years prior, so it came as a shock to me when this happened, not just because of what happened but because i realized trusting people is something i may do too easily. 

my parents went away for the weekend with my brother, and my “friend” was in town, so i thought i would invite him over so we could drink and play video games. we had been planning to hang out for a while and i thought it was just a chill thing to do with someone youve been friends with for so long. i still think that. i had two shots of vodka and after that started to feel more drunk than normal. i remember him constantly stuffing his water bottle in my face telling me to drink. at first he casually asked if i just wanted some water, so i didnt think anything of it. when things started getting fuzzy he would say “drink this, its just water, youre so drunk youll feel better.” he never drank from it though. guess where the drugs were. 

i remember bits and pieces of what happened and the stuff he did to me. i remember “across the universe” was playing in the background as i drifted in and out of consciousness. i wanted to watch that movie since high school and always put it off, but now ill never be able to watch it. i remember that while i was on the floor and couldnt move or speak he would make me drink water and tell me that i would feel better soon, all while he was rubbing my thighs or reaching up my shorts. i remember being unconscious for a long time, and when i woke up, he was in the bathroom. i could barely hold up my phone, but i called my boyfriend first. it was 4am for him and his phone was on silent, but he said that he woke up right as i was calling for some reason, like he felt something bad was happening. i couldnt talk. its like i was in one of those dreams where you try to run away but cant, except i couldnt get words out of my mouth at all. all i managed to say was “drugged me.” my boyfriend told me to call the police, so i did. 

when he came out of the bathroom, he acted like everything was normal. i can still see and hear him standing over me and asking “you okay?” while i was drooling on the floor and couldnt lift my head from the drugs that he gave me. i cant remember what happened until the police came. i only remember the knocking at the door and them telling me to open it. the knocking was so fucking loud. he kept looking at me and asking why i called the police, to which i couldnt answer anything. he started panicking and went in and out of the rooms upstairs in my house. he didnt answer the door, and they kept knocking. i somehow managed to get up, tripped and crawled down half of the stairs, and opened the door for them. i remember my dog barking and an officer placing me on a stretcher and so many questions being tossed around. they asked me how old i was and had me call my boyfriend so they could talk to him. they asked my “friend” if he knew that i had a boyfriend, like that would make a difference in him wanting to drug me or being responsible for it. 

he told the officers that i had had a lot to drink before he got to my house, that i was already drunk off my ass before he got there. they let him go. i told them where the drugs were. i pointed at the water bottle that was in his hand and i told them that the drugs were there, in whatever broken words i could get out, and they let him leave. they didnt test the water bottle for anything or look around my house or ask me if i was okay. they didnt ask what he did to me or even ask if he did anything, they just let him leave and took me to the hospital. they didnt even question the fact that he was buying a minor alcohol, they just let him fucking leave. 

when i was at the hospital, they tested me for my alcohol levels, which they said were normal. so there was physical evidence that i was not, in fact, drunk, like he said. when i started to come to after waiting at the hospital for hours, i told the doctors where the drugs were. i told them to test the water bottle, i begged and pleaded for them to get in touch with police and tell them that i didnt have any alcohol in my system, that it was drugs that he had given me. there was fucking proof, but they didnt do anything.

they asked me if i wanted to call my mom, and i almost did, but then i remembered that it was her birthday. so, i spent those three hours alone in the room thinking about all the reasons i was a fuck up and how this was all my fault. no one seemed to believe me, so maybe i did make it all up and i was actually drunk. but no, there wasnt any alcohol in my system. i only had two shots. after a while, the doctors told me i could go home. i was confused because i didnt have a way to get home, so they told me get an uber or something. they didnt really care at this point. i called an uber, and went outside to meet the car. once my feet hit the ground outside i realized that i didnt have any shoes on. i dont know why but i thought it was strange. i kinda hyper-focused on that as i waited for the uber. everything around me was so loud. all of a sudden, a young-ish nurse came outside and stood next to me. he said he would wait with me. i saw him pass my room a couple times while i cried silently for those few hours i was in the hospital. he stood outside with me and walked me to my uber, asked the uber driver for his name and number, and told me i would be okay. i remember what he looked like and ill genuinely never forget him. he made me feel safe just by doing that little thing, i knew i could trust him when i didnt even trust myself in that moment. 

the car ride home felt like it took forever. i was scared of the uber driver and the road and the fact that it was dark outside and most of all of what my mom would think and say when i finally told her what happened. i got home and walked up to my house to see that the main lights were on. my dog was waiting for me on the stairs and ran up to me as i walked inside. he kept licking me and didnt leave my side, but after a while of my dog being attentive and moving around, i realized how quiet it was inside my house. his car wasnt outside anymore, so i knew he had left, but this sudden wave of inexplicable fear washed over me. i started very anxiously searching every room, looking behind doors and in cabinets for some stupid fucking reason. i looked under every bed and turned on every light in my house. i dont know why but i thought he would still be there, waiting for me. i was looking for any trace of him still being in the house and waiting to do it to me all over again. i went upstairs and looked in my brothers closet only to find the vodka that my “friend” had brought for us to drink hidden in a corner. in the room next to mine was the bag with the receipt for the vodka that he bought. in the room where it all happened was the pizza we had gotten to eat and the cushions that he put under my head when i kept flopping over and drooling. that room was like a war zone to me. i couldnt look at it or be in it, i couldnt for almost a year. there were remnants of what happened all over my house and i felt like i couldnt escape it. it happened in the place where i was supposed to feel the most safe, and now i felt trapped in it.

i went into my room and got into bed with my dog. it was 4am, i couldnt sleep, and i didnt know what to do. every noise made me jump. every noise outside made me peek through the blinds to make sure that it wasnt his car pulling back up to my house. i found myself more awake than exhausted, as i should have been. im sure he slept fine that night. im sure he was okay and that he went home knowing that i was in the hospital and my mind was going 1000 miles an hour trying to remember every little detail of what happened so i could convince the cops that he had drugged me. because evidence wasnt enough. words werent enough for them to even try to dig into the fact that maybe i was possibly telling the truth. the cops didnt care, the doctors didnt care. they let him go. 

i dont know why i decided to write about this now, because for the most part, im “over it.” i do still think about what happened occasionally. it keeps me up at night sometimes, but not as much as in the first year after it happened. what i think about the most is the fact that no one believed me. i wasnt drugged and sexually assaulted and then reported it a few days later. the cops came and picked me up in the house where it all happened. they stood next to the person that did it. they looked him in the eye and they looked at the water bottle with drugs in it and at me barely conscious and unable to speak. they let him go. so unfortunately it doesnt surprise me when no one fucking cares if someone remembers and speaks out about their trauma years later because thats the moment they feel comfortable enough to finally talk about it. if cops didnt care in the very moment it was happening to me, it doesnt surprise me that they dont care at all. ever. 

he never tried to text or reach out to me again. why would he? i blocked him the next day anyway and i havent heard anything since. ive been silently dealing with it by myself for years. i went to a therapist about it. she told me that it was my fault for inviting him over in the first place. thats what my parents told me too. 

and the thing is, im not even the “worst” of it at all. this happens all the fucking time. theres very substantial evidence and cops and doctors will stare at it and think about how much work itll be going through the motions to do their fucking jobs and protect the people being assaulted. its too much work for them, but not for the person having trouble falling asleep every night for years because all they can think about is the moment they were unable to protect themselves and were taken advantage of. i always compare what happened to me to what happened to other people. i think less of it because so much worse has happened to other people. i wasnt raped, people are every day but i wasnt. it could have been worse, and ive always pushed the whole thing out of my mind because of that, but i dont think i should. i dont think it wasnt a big deal, and i dont think it will ever be not a big deal. i think that this shit happened to me and happens to people every day and no one fucking cares because its too much work for them to care. this isnt a metoo post, i just needed to put it into writing somewhere because im tired of keeping it inside. i dont want pity, i never have, i think a lot of people think that when something like this happens and someone speaks out about it that thats what they want. i just wanna say it. sometimes its just fucking good to say it. so for the people who do think that i want pity or that dont believe me or that support cops or that dont think this was a big deal: fuck you and have a horrible day.

thats it sorry

[dear-space-cadet]

al horford sleeper agent

—————

anyway by now ive told basically everyone i care about but i had a life changing experience over the weekend. n it sounds dumb as shit but i met a real life dude who was basically a clone of nick from franz. weird hours. guess this is a thread

before we start i want to say i havent thought about franz in weeks. theyve gone away on their own finally but really i think my old obsessions just get replaced every few years and maybe it was my hard work in therapy or my new obsession with rap or

maybe it was just a realization or me growing up and maturing or something but i dont even want to work on my favorite fanfics anymore or anything. it’s just odd. i think im changing

and i don’t think about how my former favorite band members are doing or worry about them or check their socials n it feels really good. but i know there probably is or probably will be a replacement

ok that was a tangent. if they were replaced by anything they were replaced by new friends and the NBA. so there’s the exposition of this story sorted

anyway back to the weekend. the sleeper agent invited me to lunch. and that was the catalyst. god people are being so loud in here let me go to the art library

anyway i just kind of realized "huh i guess there's more out there." i went to lunch n shit. WE went to lunch n shit. stopped caring so much about my math homework. let myself be dumb and in love

that’s a very human thing. lunch. he spilled his stupid chipotle burrito all over his stupid bright green celtics jacket

he’s from italy. never even stepped foot in a chipotle. immediately clowned himself. some world we live in

we hung out all weekend. we went to lunch like two more times and we went to dinner. there was this big threat of leaving looming over my head the whole time. i made him walk like a mile on crutches and i feel very bad about it

i don’t know what’s wrong with him. it’s somewhere between a basketball injury and a chronic disability. either way that just made me feel even more emotionally attached to him. i never saw him without the celtics jacket

it was so cold that weekend. or maybe i just didn’t bring the right jacket. if he were a gentleman he would have offered me the celtics jacket. i didnt even hug him goodbye

and then of course he went back home. theres a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time. theres nothing special about me. he doesn't want to talk. i wrote my ap psych notes in green yesterday bc i was so in love with that stupid celtics jacket

im a sixers fan. the sixers and the celtics have been rivals forever. it was about to be war, except i want to move to boston. but really i want to move to dc. i wish the whole world was philly. things would be less complicated

im in love with a celtics jacket. a celtics jacket. of all teams. and i cant even talk to my basketball friends about it because they think im dumb shit for falling for some celtics fan with a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time

im not like those girls. i don’t think im like those girls. but i definitely exactly am

i have an economics test in fifteen minutes. i think one day ill drown in the atlantic ocean.

the test wasnt that bad. i thought about writing this the entire time. i would just zone out and stare and think about the phrase ‘al horford sleeper agent’

because he has to be. why else would someone put a diehard sixers fan right in front of a diehard celtics fan who looks exactly like the guitarist of their middle school favorite band

in reality i should be calling him a celtics sleeper agent because the whole point is that al horford is a sleeper agent for the celtics. but i hate al horford so i guess it’s more funny to include him in the title

i mean how can one player change so drastically like that? al horford was benched for the first time since his rookie season, like, two weeks ago after being traded to the sixers. how does that happen? why *wouldn’t* he be playing badly so his old friends win the title?

al horford’s gotta be retiring in like, three years, tops. he’s working for the celtics, i know it. and my sleeper agent is trying to convert me to a celtics fan

i understand why people make jokes, though. it’s a very human thing to want to go home. al horford just wants to go home. he lived in boston for however many years let me look it up

god whatever it was only three years i thought it was like eleven that just ruined my point

back to the matter at hand though that’s all we’re trying to do. we all just want to feel at home. we’re all just these little things trying to connect somehow. sometimes we are more desperate than others

i think im pretty desperate right now. sometimes i sit in my bedroom and im like damn when do i get to go home? but im home

i didn’t even want to leave dc. it was all star break and there wasn’t even basketball on. so there i was, in basketball purgatory, wizards territory for some god forsaken reason, losing sleep over a celtics fan and not wanting to go home

and when i say i was losing sleep you better believe me. i was so excited to wake up in the morning that i didn’t want to fall asleep. i wanted to be awake forever, endless, running through the city

i’ll get there soon enough. it’ll be with different people. college, yknow. all that. but sometimes i feel like certain things can’t be replaced.

and im acting like a different person lately. im using my phone at red lights just so i can check for a message from the sleeper agent. it’s always one word responses

yes. ok. maybe. some shit like that. a haha every once in a while. he’s not interested and i should stop trying

and then, INEVITABLY, i send something stupid back, a photo of my hand on the wheel or something, and i get left on read

and i know im stupid for it. everyone i know is screaming at me “disco, you’re dumb shit” but i just want to believe for a minute that im loved, im special

I want to feel like someone out there cares about me that isn’t obligated to, yknow? my mom can say she loves me all she wants but it doesn’t feel as good as some italian celtics fan saying it

some hot italian celtics fan mind you

even if he wasn’t hot or italian it would be nice. and actually it would be better if he liked like, ANY other basketball team

except maybe the knicks

but whatever. main point: i know im dumb shit and should stop trying. but it feels good to feel like if i keep trying maybe i’ll be wanted

sleeper agent is just one of those people tho. he’s magnetic and everyone always wants to be around him. dumb as hell in the most charming way ever. my friends are still all making fun of me

i started crying in a pizza place the other night because even the CONCEPT of italy sent me over the edge. i need to stop before i

wait what’s the word

i need to stop before i immortalize him? no, no

i need to stop before i deify him. soon enough he’s going to be a new canonical character in my head and i’ll start making up legends and stories to myself

we barely knew each other. if i deify him i’ll start telling people he offered me the celtics jacket when it was cold out. he’ll become a perfect gentleman. and he wasnt. he was just some stupid hot italian boy in a bright green jacket

im not going to deify him. it won’t happen. but i love the color green. i always say i love yellow more but i think that’s passed. i wear a green ring on my right ring finger every day. im not going to deify him and i still hate the celtics

overall, the celtics are winning the rivalry. i don’t think the sixers have ever truly been “great,” at least outside of philly. maybe allen iverson. wilt chamberlain. dr j? theyve never had like, a dynasty. idk. i don’t think you’d be able to get a sixers jacket in italy.

it’s his birthday today. i should probably text him. i should probably stop thinking about him. that’s just dumb shit, disco youre better than this what happened to a little self confidence every now and again

sure lets say external validation isnt necessary but also i think that’s something the mindfulness crowd made up to sell more planners and tote bags in 2011. it feels good to be wanted

never waste all your time on it sure. know youre still worth it even when you have no friends and there are a million girls all over his instagram comments. but it does feel good to hear “goodness disco i like how much you like the philadelphia 76ers”

my friends are all making fun of me for being on some romeo and juliet shit because he’s literally from verona and he’s a celtics fan and im a sixers fan god damn it disco why does this always happen

i never even read romeo and juliet but i saw the dreamworks adaptation so i guess ive got the story relatively right i know they die in the end. the gnomes shatter into little pieces i think

anyway tangents aside the sixers won tonight. philly is lit up green. why the hell is philly lit up green? the eagles were done like three months ago and the flyers are orange. why is philly lit up green

oh god, he just snapped me. a zoomed in photo of himself with caption that says “76ers” with like five exclamation points

here we go again, everybody

wish me luck

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[the-sanders-sides]

inidan american (desi) logan

a sequel to this post because people asked for more and i decided that they shall receive (and also i love writing these)

fair warning, logans a bitter kid, and this isnt as positive and happy as romans post. ive experienced two different ways of being desi, one where i lived in fully asian and indian community and didnt even think id ever feel alone, and another where i moved to a place where i havent met another desi in like 7 years of living here in a 3 hour driving radius. in romans post i played into my first experience and how at home i felt. in the second experience, the one im in right now, i am much more bitter about who i am and not really knowing anyone who gets it anymore. so i play into that A LOT in this. so keep that in mind. (and he will get happier in a future part. m planning on making this into a series)

ok so first off. his name is logan sanders. people (mostly other indians) dont believe him when he tells them. he tells them they dont know indian history. they say they do. he tells them that the british fucked around (quite literally) in india for four centuries so of course english names would stick with that precise wording

sometimes when he’s annoyed enough and doesnt want to explain this for the millionth he defends himself with this russel peters skit (watch it, it’s hilarious) because it describes his family. to a T. 

he grew up in a community with not very many asians, and knew no indians outside his family so he felt a sort of disconnect to his culture

while his grandparents and parents would teach him about indian culture, he felt so distant from it since he knew no one outside his family who was indian, and since he didnt have any siblings or any nearby cousins to hang around with

he had visited india once but he was too young to remember it properly or too remember his cousins

the closest mandir was an hour away so that also limited the amount of indian kids/people he knew

he barely knew hindi because everyone in his family spoke english, especially in public

he felt guilty over the disconnect he felt and would always try to bridge it but would never accomplish this because it he kept losing passion since he rarely saw other people like him in the real world and in the media and he didnt see the point of trying

this all changed in eight grade when he moved next door to the Kumar family in a north indian street of some south asian blocks in an asian community

when his family first moved, the Kumar family invited the Sanders over to welcome them

it turns out the Kumar’s had a son who was the same age as logan

“hi logan! im rohan kumar! but i like going by roman instead of rohan!” 

this introduction pissed logan off 

he was seething because why would this kid who got to have an indian first AND last name change his name to an english one! why didnt he see the value of his name!

he knew right away that such a difference meant they could never be friends 

“im logan sanders, but thats all youll get to know about me because i see no use associating myself with someone as... well, ignorant, as you”

roman decides to whip out one of the swears his cousins taught him and whisper shouts “who are you calling ignorant, bhenchod?” 

 it became clear to him that this was new turf, and people on this new turf must be speaking hindi. and that he was the ignorant one if he couldnt talk in hindi. he made a vow to learn it as fast as he could to make sure this roman kid wasnt better than him

but, logan grits his teeth and says “you, and i know it must be true because you were too dumb to understand me the first time”

this evidently struck a sore spot in roman because he didnt fight back but just stalked away. logan smiled slightly, happy to have won that argument

logan asks his grandpa to teach him hindi and his grandpa gets super excited

they start lessons immediately and despite barely hearing it growing up, it’s as if his brain was made for this because he picks the language up amazingly fast and in a months time, while not able to speak back yet, he can understand most casual conversation

his first diwali in basically little india is the most magical thing ever

diwali at his old home was very quiet because there wasnt anyone around to celebrate with

everyone is so happy in this new home however. everyone is dressed up and all the houses are lit up and there are diyas everywhere and he doesnt want to admit it but the kumar’s have the best rangoli on the street and it’s because of roman and he knows roman did it because sometimes he’d stare out of his bedroom window while doing homework and have a perfect view of roman delicately working on it for two weeks

(the kumar’s front porch had been covered with tarp waiting for diwali to make sure romans precious rangoli wasnt stepped on or ruined. when it’s finally let up, everywhere where there could be art, there is. it’s insane how good at colors roman is, logan thinks)

diwali morning: 

he fights his parents because he doesnt want to miss school for diwali because americans dont have a day off for it. his parents set the clocks in the house ahead to make him think he overslept so he would skip school. (logan didnt know that his parents had submitted an excused absence form for religious reasons and that the school was very understanding. he thought it would be like his old school where he wouldnteven bother trying since he wasnt christain and the school was lkinda discriminatory)

they spend the morning in mandir and it’s nice. for once he doesnt feel different from his peers because he goes to mandir and not church or synagogue. he feels at home.

diwali afternoon:

the afternoon is spent with frantic cleaning and cooking and digging around for the diya’s that were still in boxes, packed away from when they moved

logan offered to find them all to continue with a diya science experiment he started two years prior. his theory was that the diya’s were multiplying and there were more each year despite no one buying anymore

this held true, because even though he could only find half of their diya collection, it was somehow more than the entire diya collection of two years prior. 

diwali evening:

theres a big potluck and everyone in the neighborhood is out talking to each other, looking at the decorations at everyones houses, eating samosas, and playing with sparklers. 

logan feels content

he makes a new resolve to learn more about hinduism. if this is what ti was supposed to be, then he never wanted to be away from hinduism. 

he looked at the metaphors and symbolism in everything and finally understood what his dad meant he told logan that hinduism is just science written in poetry and that string theory is written in the ancient texts

middle school in this new town is so much better than middle school in his old home. why?

a. doesnt get bullied for being a nerd

b. doesnt get called gay slurs 

c. the classes are harder 

d. much less racism

e. all of the above

soon enough, logans asking his grandpa to teach him how to cook Indian food

Logan spends the day burning dosas and making lopsided rotis

(eventually he gets the hang of it, and a he'll be cooking food for an infuriating Indian boy ;) ;) psst it's roman)

Speaking of boys

Coming out isn't an option for logan

He knows that his parents arent really religious enough to really look into hinduism and see that no, gays are not bad

But they are traditional and conservative enough to be homophobic

not homophobic as in spewing hate with the westboro baptist church at a pride parade

But homophobic as in "the gays are fine as long as they don't do it in front of me" kinda thing

So Logan stays quiet

the closet kinda sucks but i mean what can he do

it’s safer inside, and he as illogical as wishing is, he wishes that people would use their brains and realize there’s nothing wrong with gay

anyway

in school logan makes his first desi friend, who was dubbed as anxiety years ago and cant seem to get rid of the nickname and now has a whole complex about his name so logan doesnt know his name

logan and anxiety meet in the school library: logan studying and anxiety hiding

people dont like anxiety

especially non-indian kids

surprise surprise it’s an old buddy called racism, but anxiety’s story is for another time

(but even though no one really likes anxiety, whenever racist shit goes down, it has to go through roman)

so logan and anxiety become fast friends

and they make fun of roman (a+ bonding)

logan claims that roman is a hypocrite for changing his name to an english one while being so immersed in indian culture

anxiety doesnt dispute this, but says he has a past with roman

a past that involved getting stuck with the name anxiety

again, another story for another time

one day, when logan and anxiety are eating lunch they see roman destroy some homophobes who throw around the word f*g and keep calling caitlyn jenner, bruce jenner

logans chest surges

he’s all like “what?? emotions?? pride at roman?? is he better than me for being so open and standing up for what he believes in??”

gay panic basically

but logan masked it well and pushed it away

the next day roman comes to school with a pride patch on his jean jacket

logan feels like he cant breathe

logan is supremely jealous of roman.

he can be gay in peace

he can pretend not to be indian in a way that benefits him

and he’s not affected by stereotypes in the same way?? like what does this kid not have

and by stereotypes i mean

roman is the complete opposite of all indian and desi stereotypes: loud, flamboyant, theatrical

logan’s personality is exactly how the stereotypes are. he’s nerdy and likes science and math and it seems like he cant escape the stereotypes. they follow him. and he feels guilty that he likes science and math and is nerdy. 

as illogical as it is, he wishes he was different from how he is

but logan later learns that there are more than just his perspective on being desi and that every desi kid growing up faces challenges about it that are different than his, causing them to experience being desi differently

and logan will accept that, in another story at another time

for now, he’s just bitter. and as illogical as it is, he wishes the world was better

and now, i shall tag some people who asked to be tagged and some other desi’s who loved this because i feel like you guys might appreciate this too. also i love u. desi famders squad up.

@sssixeyedrunt @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @caterpiller-tea @xxxbladeangelxxx @snufflesthegrim227 @cloudchaser7 @thelowlysatsuma 

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / talk about menstruation and iud / venting / but i just wanna get this out, and maybe someone else is in the same boat as me because ive never been able to find any accounts of similar experiences ... I wanna preface this by saying im 26 and have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic pain, which is probably related but i dont know how. I normally have super heavy periods and debilitating cramps, along with discomfort during penetration (or similar activities) on some occasions. Ive tried a couple different birth control options over the years and each one has given me constant cramping. Its weird because the cramping on the pill (2 or 3 different kinds of BC pills in different times of my life) and depoprovera shot were the same in that i would get terrible cramps whenever i did any kind of activity but especially when i stand up from a sitting position. I remember being in college and standing up and having to immediately sit back down hunched over until it passed. I got the depo shot a few months ago and it was the worst thing ever. I had severe cramping with all kinds of movement (and havent been able to even touch myself without setting off the cramps) and after a month of it i started bleeding for a month straight until a doctor gave me estrogen pills on top of it to stop the bleeding. The pills stopped the bleeding but not the cramps, so the plan was for me to wait it out and try an iud next since the medicine would be administered locally instead of by pill or shot through my whole body.... three months during the depo shot i could not exercise or do any physical activity, which of course is making my fibromyalgia and mood worse. I feel like ive lost a whole year to the depo shot, on top of other health problems that have been acting up before the depo. It sucked and im not trying it again. I had about 2 weeks until the mirena iud insertion where i was taking the estrogen pills and still cramping (along with getting a full heavy and bad cramping period during the vitamin-pill week while i waited for the prescription to come in. The cramping was so bad i almost wanted to go to the emergency room, but it lessened by the next day even if i was still going through so many pads.) Before the iud insertion i took a pill the night before which the doctor said could help loosen up my organ to allow for easier insertion since ive never had a kid. I knew i could expect a lot of pain given how sensitive i know i am, but the few people ive heard get them said it was only really painful during and they were fine after, so i figure i could be strong and deal with it if its going to help stop my monthly cramping and bleeding. Turns out the insertion was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life. Normally having a speculum put in already puts me in considerable pain (a speculum feels like a shard of glass shoved in me) but it pales in comparison to getting the iud. I was crying out and struggling to stay still during the proceedure but once it was over i hoped it would start to feel better. It burned with pain and still does days later. I didnt realise i would get severe cramping immediately after the insertion, but i could barely stand up. The doctors had to let me stay in the room for like a half hour before i could limp back to the car. Im lucky i had my mom to drive me home because i could still barely breathe it hurt so badly. I took tylenol about a half hour before the proceedure but i dont think it did anything. I couldnt take advil because of other medicines im taking. So the only other thing i could do is lay there screaming in pain with the heating pad pressed on me. A few hours later my mom had to call an on-call doctor from the same hospital and he said to go to the er so we went. The rest of the night is kind of blurry i was in so much pain and could barely think. The er gave me a painkiller and later a muscle relaxant before telling me i have to stop my other meds so i can take advil. I was there for like 6 hours i think, feeling waves of terrible cramps that feel like a knife is slicing the inside of me - the same feeling as the iud insertion. I feel bad for everyone who had to hear me screaming every 10 minutes and my mom who had to stay with me. The doctors kicked me out immediately after giving me advil and i went home barely able to even walk or move. It took me another 2 hours to manage to fall asleep even though i was so exhausted and had the worst chest and body pain from being so tense at experiencing the worst pain of my life. Nornally, if unmedicated, ill get periods so bad im screaming in pain, but it will only last 1-2 hours until the advil or tylenol kicks in and dulls it down to a bearable ache, so this iud was supposed to be my fall back on options to eliminate cramps. (I really wish the doctor would just let me get a hysterectomy i dont ever want kids and this whole situation is giving me severe gender dysphoria) Yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping off my traumatic er experience and today im still getting really horrible waves of cramping and nausea. Thankfully im not bleeding (...yet?) But it still feels like having a tampon being yanked out of me that wont come out. The knife feeling isnt there so im not screaming, but the cramps are still so bad and i dont know if i need to take it out. The er doctor said to take it out if the advil doesnt help, and that this is most likely anxiety making the pain get out of control. The er nurse said this is normal. Like??? How the fuck to people deal with this im scared about taking it out because thats probably going to hurt even more. I forgot to ask my prescribing doctor if theres a risk for toxic shock or something but like i dont have a fever its just so painful feeling it there. The placement is "right" according to the ultrasounds but it hurts so much and is still giving me cramps I really dont know how anyone could deal with this the whole thing is so upsetting i want it out but i dont want to deal with the proceedure to get it out and that same severe cramping i dont think theyll allow it to be a surgical removal but i wont be able to sit there and deal with it again!!!! Just thinking about all of it is giving me more anxiety too, i have such dysphoria about my internal organs and such a terrible phobia about even having them!!! This amount of cramping should not fucking be "normal" i hate being invalidated at the er like that God i just dont know what to do the cramping is so bad and im still scared of getting an ulcer from the advil. Thats another thing. A year ago i got an ulcer from taking advil because of period cramps, so ive been suffering taking tylenol! Thats why i want a BC that works to get rid of cramps and bleeding!! Now here i am with the worst cramps and bloating of my life!! How am i expected to function like this!!! I dont remember half of the past few days because ive been in so much pain!!! I can only hope this gets better because it feels worse today than it did yesterday, even if its not as bad as the day before when i had the insertion done. The doctor said if im still having the same kind of cramps ive been getting with the other types of birth control after a month i can look into other options (hopefully hysterectomy!!) But thats so far away and i havent been able to practise driving or apply to any jobs because i cant fucking do more than sit or lie down because of the god damn cramps Ive lost like all my personality and enjoyment of life and lost any one i could call a friend because this is consuming me and i cant fucking do anything i hate it i just want something to go right for once i want to be able to exercise again i love exercising and i havent been able to go for a walk without getting winded and severe cramping I cant even find other people that get cramping on birth control when standing up or doing activities so i dont know why this is happening to me ive looked everywhere i can and all i get is dysphoria because """"mensutruation is a womens health problem"""" and my phobia of pregnancy makes it impossible to browse forums I dont know what my point to all this is i just really need to vent because i feel so alone with this specific problem Life sucks and then you die i guess lmao