#Its time ............ my worst years part 2
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she’s like if the virgin mary smoked a pack of pall malls every day 🚬
#sims 4#the sims community#simblr#ts4#sims 4 edit#mysims#drawing/editing these tears took actual years off my life#editing this in general did but the tears were my hell#her name is norma jean named after her grandmother but she goes by either jeanie or jj#she works at the local convenience store and bartends at night when shes able to pick up shifts#shes the worst bartender in existence and refuses to lift anything over 2 pounds#she once convinced a customer to buy her a sweater because she looked a little cold while working#she lied and said her manager never lets them turn on the heat and casually mentioned pennys was selling her favorite sweater#and then described in detail exactly where the sweater was in the store#all she had to do was blink her big brown eyes and call them baby a few times and they immediately folded#she goes to church 7 days a week even though she hates it because that's what she did when her mom was still alive#and its one of the few things that helps her feel close to her mom#her mom died after she had to drop out of highschool to take care of her#she holds a lot of resentment for having to give up such a big part of her life#but at the same time blames herself for not being able to make her mom better#she doesnt believe in banks and hides money around her house to store it but she's also super forgetful#she'll randomly find money around the house and then treat herself like it was present she meant to leave for her future self#she loves crosswords but treats it like a fun game and refuses to check if her answers are ever right#there's ur fun little facts about jeanie 🫵🏼
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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okay but lets be very serious here right now, when they release a statement what exactly is that gonna change? don admitted to him and lex having intercourse (which shows that he coerced her) and matt and ryans texts show that the situation was handled VERY poorly. an apology isnt enough for the trauma they both have caused
#cuz you know its bad when even the subreddit is on their ass they’re usually dickriding m and r anytime someone makes valid criticism#theyve been let off the hook too many times a line needs to be drawn and this needs to be it#im sorry but sa is not something you can simply look past especially when they have a history of brushing serious shit off#what is there to even hold onto for them its not like theyre dropping bangers like they used to#theyre in drama every other month i know thats the appeal to some of yall but when things get this serious it shouldnt be hard to drop them#especially when they have piles of evidence lined up against them showing that they only really care about their channel and their image lol#yes im still talking shit because im very disappointed#also saying quote unquote check up on the big fan accs theyre going through it is very weird lol. we should be checking up on the victims#anyways the bad publicity will probably make them lose sponsorships and yall know the podcast was one of the only things holding them-#together financially LOL#worst part is matt and ryan have people relying on them to get paid.. their company is about to go to shit all bc they have no backbone#jacksons comeback post is gonna be a pic of matt watson flipping burgers at chickfila in a year or 2#yeah yeah this is my last post about it for now until one of them says something i just needed to get these thoughts out there#rest in piss supermega your actions actually do have consequences and its clear theyre not used to being put on the spot like this#theyre used to people letting everything slide i know theyre all screaming and crying right now 😂
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In case it's hard to read/understand: "If I had a nickel for every time I had a story with a blonde girl named after a plant, who has a German father and a French mother but absolutely hates said mom, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice."
weird, extremely-specific tropes in my stories: pt 1
#oc liveblogging#ughhhhhhh i really CANNOT afford to be procrastinating rn but i know this happens when im extremelyyyyyy fucking stressed.#creative/art related classes always get me for this reason bc ill use 'wait but i need to find inspiration!' as an excuse to procrastinate.#fuckkkkkkkkkk. UGH IM NOT EVEN WRITING SOMETHING FROM SCRATCH ITS JUST A FINAL REVISION BUT IM CONVINCED IT SUCKS#the worst part is hkjhkjGHKJ I HAVE TO PRESENT SOME OF THIS SHIT AT AN. INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CONFERENCE GUYS. GUYSYSSSS#anyways this post is sadly not related to that. nothing im presenting is related to my ocs [un]fortunately lmao#ive just been thinking rotating various oc stories around in my head again ourgghhhh.#and i realized this LMAO. i mean maybe technically not 2 separate stories anymore because im recycling a lot from one for the other?#one of these was already established lowkey and the other was something i made for an assignment for a class like 2 years ago#i actually don't know if petunie will be blonde in her final incarnation?? ive always imagined her as silvery blonde ig but idk#if ill keep that. she doesnt have proper colors like colin but at least colin has his design set more straight somewhat.#and all the recent petunie development is lowkey really fucking funny to think abt. i girlbossed with her character development so#hard that she really replaced lucian as a protagonist HAHAJSDHKGJ. ok well not 100% kamille's story is a shoot-off#of lucian's technically? i guess? it started becoming that and now its solidified as that lowkey bc same town same place time period people#but man if im not careful i might accidentally make kamille/petunie's arc THE default one and lucian's main one the offshoot instead#a lot remains to be seen. but also yeah the other one who's story is mostly getting recycled (myrtille) actually ALSO HAD HER MOM#COME FROM THIS SAME FUCKING PLACE BASICALLY. a few decades later but still bruh given developments for lucian's story too its just like#at this point im noticing a pattern man wtf is wrong w/ women who come from this town specifically lol. 😔🥴#this town in general is just fucking cursed though i think ahkjshkg. i mean that jokingly and literally lolololl i gotta. work on it. but y#I HATE IT HERE WHY ARE WEIRD LITTLE FUCKING TOWNS WHERE BAD SHIT HAPPENS ALWAYS A CONSISTENT TROPE IN MY STORIES /silly#I DONT EVEN COME FROM A WEIRD LITTLE TOWN MY HOMETOWN IS LIKE. AVERAGE NORMALISH NOT SUPER LARGE??? IDFK?????#haaaaaaa fuck i need to finish this by the end of TODAY I S2G!!! SO I CAN MOVE ON TO ALL THE OTHER SHIT I OWE FUCKKKK
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it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat
#5 outta 7 days im at work. 2 days of freedom#2 days to do chores n run errands n relax n sleep n draw n catch up w/ friends n go places#and if u gotta reschedule itll be weeks before ur available again#like for months now ive tried to get together w/ friends but our days off dont match n shit keeps coming up#not to mention im fucking tired! im exhausted! i want to sleep in and then draw the rest of the day!#i think the worst part is that back in school.. at least it didnt matter as much? because it all led to an end aka graduation?#like i didnt mind the wait for next weekend as much cuz it was temporary#like eventually ill graduate and then ill have freedom! (i thought? for some reason??)#but now its like.. the weeks are going by so fast this year is already almost over i turn 26 in 2 weeks#and this is.. the rest of my life? like youre kidding right? this cant be it?#i get off work n then i have to take care of the cats n chores n then eat dinner n then shower n then its late and i gotta sleep#before work the next day. i dont have time nor energy to rly do anything#and ill get that feeling of like. oh well at least it brings me closer to the next ‘weekend’#but i dont wanna live weekend to weekend#i mean im thankful to have a job n coworkers i love like i truly hate it there sometimes but i also am happy and thankful for it#but yknow.. it shouldnt have to be like this#i worded this so much better in the shower but im tired of feeling like school part 2 like what the fuck man#ive had work every single day since we came back from our trip n i just dont have time/energy for anything#i need to open commissions back up but i havent even gotten around to starting one a friend asked for#not to mention this years christmas card ive barely got the sketch done for#and again. my favourite holiday. halloween is on tuesday and while we did plan halloweeny stuff it just has not felt like halloween#i havent had any ideas/energy/time for any halloweeny art#+chores n errands etc lmao we havent even been to the grocery store yet (calling us out here)#it just. suuuuucks aaaaaass man the world is so beautiful life is a gift i dont wanna spend it like this
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GUARDS!!!! hes posting abt it again
#anyway actually one of the worst parts of being broken up with in such a cruel way is that it feels like i wasted my one chance at having#someone in my life like that#and it wasnt even my fault! wow#who am i kidding its not even worth dating anyone again i dont think#nobody besides that one person has ever been interested in me anyway#sorry if i dont post abt my feelings i die#i just wish i was overrrrr itttt uuuuhg#actually its so fucked up that if his linkedin isnt lying he had a job for 2 years while we were dating that he just never told me abt once#i should have known i just wasnt an important part of his life no matter how many times he tried to say i was and that he loved me with all#the things he just didnt share with me#like getting his license and shit just nothing had to find out other ways#whateverrrrr whateverrrrrr#its always the ppl who cry abt how 'they arent treating you right' 'it hurts me that im hurting you and im sorry' who actually just want#ur feelings to be all about them
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Vent under the cut and in the tags
Sometimes it feels like it's never gonna be ok. And I don't know what to do.
#vent#sorry im just#why did my family feel the need to traumatize me?#and how can i possibly move past that betrayal?#like at the end of the day i still love my family. right.#and the worst part is they seem to know exactly what they did and how it impacted me#i couldnt see it until 2 years after i moved out#i just. like i wish i hadnt had to live in so much pain#and now any time i remember anything its wrapped in pain and i hate remembering stuff because of it#which is a problem because my memory is really good and i remember things constantly#idunno. i just want it to stop#i dont even think an apology from my family will do anything at this point because the shit already happened#i already lost my formative years to trauma and now. i just gotta deal with it.#but surprise! nobody ever taught me how to deal with this shit#so hefe i am avoiding it as usual#it just makes it worse but i dont know what esle i could possibly do#anyways sorry rant over#feel free to reply but dont reblog thx ✌️
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i am once again so very tempted to write out the entire outline for the 🔪 canon compliant timeline but i KNOW im gonna get burnt out halfway through and also slap like twelve content warnings in it if i ever even want to THINK about posting it
#im so. obsessed with my canon timeline story its developed so well over the last handful of years#ah the wonderful appeal of enemies to lovers#but with the twist that its really just. thing trying to kill you accidentally catches feelings oops!#unfortunately i started my ship/writing when i was incredibly depressed and suicidal#and that is an integral part of the story to me now for understandably personal reasons !!#its my catharsis! its how i coped at the time and now it feels wrong to change it. and also like. its an inciting incident.#without it we would not have met !#uagh man. one day. one day i will at least have an outline for Myself and it won't just be constantly in my head#does anyone want 2 hear me gush about canon timeline. bc i will not stop#i realize this is my blog and i can do whatever i want but also i dont want to be too annoying hGFBFFBSHDS#the reason my ship w him is so important to me is that i used it to cope thru like the worst parts of my life#and at the time i did not know how to verbalize what was happening other than to turn it into a story !!#bc it was easier to think about in that capacity#and while i personally find that super compelling and awesome i am also biased bc it makes me feel better when i think about it <3#anyway !!! i moght do some writing tonight. i miss him. and i still have a weird complex about watching videos sometimes. sigh
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I think you get a new team member on the third or fourth palace, I'm pretty sure but I can't remember exactly. Hope this helps in your Yusuke-Removal Endeavors
thank god. i sincerely hope its the 3rd bc im currently in limbo between the 2nd and 3rd and i cant actually figure out if i need to like trigger an event to make the 3rd target come up or if i just keep dicking around until the game forces me to progress like last time
#inbetween palaces is the worst part of this game fr like girl i dont WANT to work at my part time job and go to class i have to do that irl#and i keep getting lost in the subway station. i cant navigate public transportation irl why do i have to do it in a video game#anyways. this makes it sound like i hate p5 i really dont im actually enjoying it a lot i just wish it wasnt so slow lmao#and i wish every single menial thing didnt require like. grinding via boring ass everyday tasks#like why do i need to do crossword puzzles in order to READ A BOOK. PLEASE#why do i need to eat like 2 million hamburgers in order to ask a grown man why he gave me a real working gun#anyway. i dont REALLY like ann either but its not her fault. ryuji is by far the most likeable teammate in the game thus far#i assume that little first year gymnast will be a teammate eventually and i will probably bench ann in favor of her LMAO#that fucking detective is intriguing too ig but idk if hes going to be a teammate or just a thorn in my side
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once again attending a concert on my own because the person i was meant to be going with ditched and i couldn't find anyone else to go with me lol
#i really don't mind going on my own#it just kinda hurts when it feels like the people i invite to these things treat it like a complete afterthought#like i bought these tickets for us like 2 years ago after she said she was in and wanted to go#and then got NO followup like never paid for the ticket never expressed excitement nothing#and then the few times i would bring it up she would be super noncommittal and it was obvious she had just forgotten she'd agreed to go#and then when i finally ask her for a definite answer a few days ago its just ''sorry i have an exam i can't come!!''#like? is it really too much to ask for someone to remember what plans we've made?#and then follow up with me without needing to be prompted?#worst part is i then asked another friend if she would be interested and then she basically forgot about the invite too#and didn't say no until i prompted her for an answer 🙃#like am i that forgettable??? do people just not want to spend time with me but don't want to say it outright or something??#it is partially my fault like i should have been more upfront and proactive in making sure i had someone to go with#but i hate ALWAYS having to be the one to ask about it :/#anyway at the end of the day i am seeing lorde live and they are not so it's their loss xx
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I’m fucking crying what the fuck
hey I want to see something
take this quiz (https://dlcincluded.github.io/MQ/) and then tell me about your score.
if you're autistic plus another overlapping type of neurodivergent, choose the autistic option. self diagnoses are valid.
choose other neurodivergent if you are neurodivergent but not autistic. again, self diagnoses are valid.
check out the monotropism theory of autism (https://monotropism.org/)
#THE WORST PART IS THAT I USE A MINORITY BASED SYSTEM FOR THESE??#SO IF IT HAPPENS ONLY 2% OF THE TIME BUT ITS COMMON ENOUGH TO REMEMBER IT COUNTS AGAINST ANY STRONG POSITIONS#I’M SENDING THIS TO MY PARENTS THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY#MY PARENTS LAST YEAR: “yeah you’re higher needs than ur brother”#me: “and you didn’t think to tell me?????”#my parents: “?????? did it matter??”#ANYWAY CANNOT WAIT TO SHOW THEM THIS IT’LL BE HILARIOUS
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reduced to tears trying to clean out my inbox
#failed extraordinarily at all of this.#1. i did not go and be great. i got kicked out of school#2. did not enjoy it. struggled with depression the whole time and got bullied and ostracized by the only friend i had#3. fell for the foolishness of the person who was being mean to me#4. never texted or called anyone. felt too ashamed to ask for help or admit anything was wrong because its fucking embarrassing to be upset#that someones being mean to you as a grown ass adult#5. took part in activities that took up all of my time and i didnt have enough time to do my actual work#6. didnt study hard. didnt even go to classes. became a recluse and would stay in my room for days at a time because i felt super ashamed o#myself after my 'friend' told me they were embarrassed to be associated with me for being autistic (flat out told me this)#7. friend making did Not Go Well#8. tried to change everything about myself after being told i was an embarrassment to be around#9. never called my mum. on the rare occasions that i did i told her everything was going great#fuck.#im the biggest failure i know#wasted 20k on the worst year of my life.#im gonna be sick
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Holy shit my fatigue is so bad today. Like I'm not "I need a nap ASAP" tired (I mean I could nap) but "holy shit I cannot be upright any longer I'm fucking exhausted" tired
Honestly suprised I was able to shower okay, but I did kinda have to hype myself up to do it :/
This shit sucks so bad... I miss having energy... I miss not feeling like shit every day
I haven't felt "healthy"* since I was 12. I think puberty was when my nervous system was like "oh so we're like permanently gonna be this stressed... oh" and just gave out bc that's when my cfs started. Never stood a chance
*I mean I didn't ever feel like a normal healthy child, but I felt a hell of a lot closer to healthy than now
#marquilla#is it the long covid? is it long covid part iii? is it 'It's March™️' (worst time of the year stress wise) is it bc my ptsd has been#triggered and shit the past week and my body is tired of that shit? am i sick? is it work stress? who knows!! (:#i was busting ass at work today bc i recovered like 1/4 my area then focused on labeling my boxes for inventory bc i only have THIS WEEK#to do it as far as i know (i think it starts when we get back from break) so im hauling ass trying to get my boxes counted and pulled#forward with nothing behind each other (except for my to be liquidated stuff bc i have several boxes...) and ive been throwing my spare#boxes away to avoid getting yelled at bc we technically shouldnt have that shit... and ive been kinda dumping clearance shit on the table#sgdggdd like i semi recovered it first but its $3 theyre gonna be destroyed anyway#i have about 2/3 of the second half to go still (first half is all done except clearance and NikeShitë bc tiny boxes...) so idk#and im worried ab everything going to liquidation when im on break bc like thats gonna be empty space on the table that i doubt anyone will#fill bc 'thats too haaaard [childrens]' but idk i just dont know#im just so stressed and tired i might go to the movies Tuesday bc Oppenheimer is back in theaters bc it won Oscars and I think ill go on#discount day so it's only $6 and ill see what the hype was ab but im skeptical of it being good tbh#anyways im fucking tired and i hate it
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can you guys tell im barely holding myself together rn?
#ngl im so fucking tired of people abandoning me#thats prolly why we split so easily because we are terrified of being alone#idfk#ive been abandoned more times than id like to admit#just in the past year i can count like 8 times that someone has left me#is it bad that i crave to be abandoned sometimes?#sometimes i just want to push people away so they leave on my terms#i just dont want people to leave me#i havent seen my brother yk the one person who kept me alive through the worst parts of my life in 9 months#and yeah ive texted him and called him but he was the one pwrson i ALWAYS felt safe around#before he moved the longest i had gone without seeing him was 2 weeks#its been 9 fucking months#and i have to wait until january to MAYBE see him#he went to see his gf on my birthday...the last birthday before he moved#i said i didnt care but it hurt#it really fucking hurt#i miss him#so much#like its driving me crazy#fuck now im crying#its not like ill never see him again...#but it feels that way#not being around him is driving me so fucking insane that im planning to move closer to him as soon as i can#he practically raised me#im so fucking lost without him tbh#i forget who i am when hes gone...because i was always a mini him...#i was his hostage /ref /ij#i was his hostage#i was his hostage...#he left me
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I went to 5 highschools across three states in the the late 2010s and I'm pretty sure there was at least one out trans person at each of them. Now they all had vastly different experiences in how well they were treated by staff and students, but they were all out and proud.
were there any out trans people in your high school?
#i think the worst was probably this little podunk school in nowhere illinois#there were 70 students in the entire high school i think#anyway there was a trans girl and a nonbinary person and uhh lets just say one of them was having a significantly worse time than the other#this is the only experience that has kinda made me hate femme presenting nonbinary peeps#i think even the school i went to in NC (way out in the sticks) was better for the multiple trans students i knew there#in general i think its just harder to hide in a smaller school#also southern 'well thats none of my business' vs midwestern nosiness#OH WAIT I JUST REMEMBERD I WENT TO A CATHOLIC HS FRO A YEAR AND THERE WERE DEFINENTELY NO TRANS PPL THERE#so 4/5 schools across 3 states had a out trans population#and lets say 2/5 had what i would call a nice safe tight-knit queer community that was fun to be a part of
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#you know what that dot stands for friends#its time for a bit of irl anxiety word vomit#haaaaaaaaaaa#ok so hi hello im gonna go back to school sem after dropping out for like a year#and im currently in the process of transferring colleges and ohmygod this is just so anxiety inducing icb im actually doing this by myself#i feel so lost in the new campus and i dont know anyone here and theres so many people who are also doing their own things and idk its just#so overwhelming being in this crowd and Talking to people and having to act like im not on the verge of a mental breakdown most of the time#the worst part is that im gonna have to talk to the dean about my grades and why i basically ghosted my classes and i cant just say that#'oh yeah haha covid hit me hard with depression and my social capacity is basically only always at 10% im not actually stupid im just menta#lly ill haha'#djsjsjskdkdkajd#i wanna burry myself in the dirt and be decomposed into mushrooms#im so scared what if i dont get in im gonna have to be a dropout forever and like i know theres nothing wrong with that but its just the#Asian parents and social expectations and pressure of a 'successful adult' and im already like 2 years behind and i can Feel the disappoin#tment/surprise of everyone when i say oh no i havent graduated yet lol and im just so tired i feel like im about to cry#HHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#ok im done gonna go take the entrance exam now o7
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