#Its either this or I'll die single

[aashufta-sar]

Yeh "will you marry me" kya hota hai.. guitar le kar "Hai tamanna humein tumhein dulhan banayein" gaao tab hi shadi karungi!

[rubys-domain]

i might be terrible for feeling like this. but the sheer amount of schadenfreude i have after finding out that freminet is likely going to be a shit unit is through the roof lmao

[our-inspire-verse]

Just keeps going round and round eh?

[paper-mario-wiki]

Could you explain how Ambrosia is able to come back after dying?

1

Sure yeah, I'll give it a shot.

[Fursona Lore/ Mild Existential Horror presented in charmingly primitive MS Paint style under the cut]

2

[At the top of the panel there is the label "conceptual space (currently being created. The middle is labeled "THE UNIVERSE, REALITY (the other)". The bottom is labeled "CONSCIOUSNESS, REFLECTION (the self). The very bottom of the panel reads "OTHER, FREAKIER BUT LESS IMPORTANT STUFF" ]

To keep it brief, a person is when a certain amount of consciousness slips upwards into reality. Consciousness is, like the laws of thermo dynamics [sic], a fundamental property of the universe.

3

I'm sure you've heard of the sticking-a-pencil-through-paper metaphor for theoretical wormhole travel, right? Staying within that visual metaphor, imagine the moisture in the air around that "piece of paper" as what consciousness is. It creates tiny, imperceivable changes in the surface and makeup of the paper. Imagine a microscopic rain cloud making a tiny fraction of the paper a little bit soggy. That's what you are in the universe. A tiny soggy fraction of a massive piece of paper. (That's why you feel so small btw).

Of course, putting it into that metaphor IS greatly simplifying it, since in real life things like time and space sorta overlap, ya know? Because they're entirely separate dimensions of measurement. Consciousness is the same, it is everywhere in the universe all at once, but only after it seeps in from a place that is exactly where we are, but elsewhere. 4D stuff is complicated sorry if that's not super clear ha ha.

4

Normal people happen when a bunch of that stray potential-consciousness starts stacking more and more layers of reality on top of itself. Sort of like those pastries that you fold butter into and then fold it like 10 times and that makes it so theres like a billion layers of butter and dough and butter and dough and butter and dough and on and on and on. But with, uh. The other stuff. Consiousness and matter from the universe.

Speaking semantically, that's all the little tiny organisms that work really hard to make you alive. Like the biome in your gut, or the bacteria in your tissue and blood cells. Look it up, 43% of the human body is made of bacteria. Like, that's just on google.

Anyway, all their effort culminates in an increasingly complex meat shell that constitutes a person.

5

For the sake of practicality, we can imagine the way consciousness "seeps in" to the universe is like heat coming off the sun. The two overlapping infinite planes radiate into each other like heat radiates off the sun.

That clear? Heat from the sun. Remember that, it's important for the next part.

6

I'm sort of like a solar flare.

My consciousness, in its raw form, was so concentrated that it was like a tiny shooting star straight from the source.

Also kind of like a kidney stone, I guess.

7

Since my consciousness (which, to be clear, is approximately the same "amount" of consciouessness as anyone else, just all smooshed together into a single clump) is smooshed together into a single clump, the shell forms naturally as "reality" settles onto it. The "shape" the consciousness takes is basically the same as your body or anyone else's since the framework of both entities are the "same" on the "outside". Thus the "shells" turn out "similar" too.

Sorry for all the quotation marks, it's hard to talk about concepts outside of the third dimension in third dimensional terms, and like. I also am not super sure about this stuff either. I'm only relaying what I've learned from the scientists but some of it goes over my head.

I like to think I'm clever but like. I'm not a genius.

8

So here's the part where me and you are different: When your shell breaks apart (when you die) it's because the consciouessness had been escaping your shell, like air from a balloon, and the physical structure can't support itself anymore. Or, like, maybe you just fall over and hit your head on the concrete one day and pop the balloon all together.

Either way, the consciousness escapes from the pressure, and either goes back "down" where it came from, or goes upward into conceptual space, which is sorta being constituted through forces exerted in the physical universe. Well, I mean, really it's more of a product of a reaction between consciousness and physical space. Whatever I'm getting off topic.

The point is the shell breaks cuz the balloon pops. I think that was my point.

9

Now that you get all that, you can probably deduce on your own how and why I'm able to keep "coming back".

It's cuz I'm not really "coming back", I'm still here! The shell representing me here was just lost.

10

And while the facade may not look precisely the same every single time...

11

I remain the same.

[ihaznoclue]

Can I request headcanons for TFP Wheeljack, Ratchet, Smokescreen, Knockout, and Optimus Prime reacting to his human gn s/o giving him a plastic rose as a reminder of their love for him since they won't live as long as him please?

Pairings -> Wheeljack, Ratchet, Smokescreen, Knockout, Optimus Prime x Reader

Warnings -> None

Note -> Reader giving them a plastic rose as a reminder of their love

Genre -> Fluff

Wheeljack

WheelJack wasn't the type of bot to receive gifts from all of a sudden but when you gave him a special gift that was a rose

He asked you to explain what a rose is and why you gave it to him

You explained that a rose was a type of flower but this one was plastic, seeming that it wasn't going to die of no sunlight or water

You also explained why you gave it to him is a reminder that you would always love him no matter what

Also how you won't live as long as he does, so that rose is reminder of you

Wheeljack seemed to soften at this as he thanks you for it

"What's this?" Wheeljack asked, seeming to lift the plastic rose form his view to see it up more closer, the rose was bright red as it was on a green stem that had a single leaf sticking out of the stem

"It's a rose, its a type of flower but this one is plastic so it doesn't die without no sunlight or water" You explained to him

"Why you giving me this though Sweets?"

"It a remind that I will always be there with you and that I will always love you till the end, seeming that I can't live as long as you. So I decided to give this as a gift for you to remind yourself that I will always be with you"

This was a cute but sad moment as you explained how you couldn't live as long as him but he will always remember you when the time he has to go back to his home planet Cybertron.

"Thank you sweets, I will keep it safe"

Ratchet

Another bot who doesn't seem to have the time to receive gifts from others

But seeming that you were his sweetspark, he accepted the gift you gave him

It was a single rose, a rose that was plastic

He would question you on why you gave him this and what this things is because he never seem to get out of the base a lot

So you explained it terms on which he could take in easily

"Thank you for this but may i ask what is it and why you are giving me it?" He asked, his blue optics looking at the sinlge rose you just gave him

"It's a rose, but this one is plastic. A rose is a type of flower that represents love and royalty of your special ones, I gave it to you because I will always love you and that it is a reminder that I will be by your side at all costs"

Ratchet took in that information as he gave you a smile, "I'll try to keep it in good condition and safe"

You gave him a smile back as you hugged one of his digits as he caressed your head gently

"Thank you sweetspark

Smokescreen

He is always ready to receive something from you, because well you were his sweetspark after all

He was always the charming type of bot

He would always try to impress you with some of his gifts but he never seems to get the right gift for you but you didn't mind

But for you, you had a gift in mind

Smokescreen was quite new to earth so you needed to explained to him a bit on what this gift was

The gift was a single plastic rose

You even had to explain why you gave it to him

"Oh What's this for?" Smokescreen asked as he stared at the rose, it has seemed that Smokescreen took interest in it as he stared at it more and more

"It's a rose, but a plastic one. It a type of flower to show love to someone, either it's your family, friends or loved ones. So I decided to give you one that was plastic because real ones would just die without no sunlight or water so I gave you a plastic one. It represents love, so I'm showing my love through that gift, which is the rose that I gave you"

You then looked up at Smokescreen since he hasn't said a words after explained but you could tell that he was holding in some tears

"Aw Sweetspark, You're too kind!"

Knockout

I feel like this would be his first encounter of receiving a gift from someone

Like hes around a bunch of decepticons DUH

This man need to know how loved he is

And you have a gift in mind to give him in order to let him know that you love him till the very end

but again you would have to explain what it is since he's always on the warship and somewhere on missions so I highly doubt him knowing what a rose is

"Here for you" You gave him a smile as you handed him a single rose, that had a name tag with the name 'knockout'

"What's this dear?" Knockout was quite confused on what this little thing was and why you handed it to him of all bots

"It's a rose, It's a type of flower that represents love to someone, I gave this to you because you are my soulmate and that you are willing to do anything for me, so I wanted to give you this plastic rose in return. I hope this gift will remind you of me every time you see it"

Knockout was quite speechless as he never received anything this special, you heard him give out a huff chuckle as he looked at you, leaning his digit carefully to lift you chin up as he leans down to give you something in return

A little kiss

Optimus Prime

This man is always busy for something like this, he would always be so busy with other stuff like missions, cons, battle, war

All of that stuff stopped him from getting gifts

But this time he had enough time for you to give him a special gift from you

You explained about the gift as he thanks you in return from receiving such a special gift from his sparkmate

"May I ask what this is little one?" Optimus asked as he examined the rose carefully, his optic looked like he was zooming in and out

"It's a rose, a type of flower to show love towards your loved ones, I got a plastic one since I know it won't die so I got that one for you so you are reminded that I'm always here for you Optimus"

You gave a smile up at Optimus as he gave one back, it was rare to see him smile but this one a genuine smile that you took notice of

It looks like he liked it a lot, that you would see him having it in his hand every time, trying to make sure he doesn't lose it or wreak it by accident

-A<3

[futurecorps3]

Sirius black with a busty reader

𝐒𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐮𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐭𝐲!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

Masterlist<3

MINORS STAY AWAY I'LL BLOCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, THIS IS +18!!! See also… All marauders versions in my marauders masterlist<3

I want you all to picture me giggling and kicking my feet while writing this 'cause this is my main hoe 🤭💗

-BUYS. YOU. NECKLACES.

-I'll die on this hill dear god

-Pretty silver chains, golden necklaces with expensive charms, you name it! HE SPOILS YOU SM BECAUSE THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE ASF TOO?????

-Yk that good house of Black money n shit hehe

-Loves seeing how it sometimes gets in the middle of your tits and pulls it out himself, definitely touching you more than necessary

-"Wait, I'm almost there doll" "Do you need to bury your face in my boobs to get that crow charm out?” you deadpan with a smile, looking down at the pretty boy, feeling his nose dig in like he’s on a treasure hunt

-“Helps my visibility” yeah visibility my ass he loves your pretty tits

-He’s the “Wear what you want, I can fight” type of guy <3 (all of them are!!!)

-Will and has gotten into fights if someone’s staring and making you uncomfortable. No one disrespects his girl like that:)

-L E A T H E R T O P S

-You both wear leather tops that show your belly and chests, matching ones ofc!!!

-Remus loves sweaters, James loves crop tops

-Sirius lives for seeing you in lacy bras AND his leather jacket:(

-Boy gets heart eyes, jaw to the floor, drooling, screaming (ofc the boys mock him for it<3)

-“You’ll catch flies with that mouth, Pads” Remus smirks, watching Sirius watch you having a conversation with some Ravenclaw girl as you pour more fire whiskey on your glass “Shut it Moons” he replies, dreamy voice too entranced to even comprehend the chaos the party around him was causing

-Speaking of parties, he loves doing vodka shots from your boobs.

-Ogles them sm and compliments them all the fucking time!!!!!

-He’s shameless about it as well

-"Your tits look amazing" with a lovesick expression on his face like he genuinely loves them so so so much

-He knows his friends stare and he doesn’t mind as long as you don’t either. Boosts his ego quite a lot tbh!!

-If you feel uncomfortable, he’ll definitely do something about it! The boys would never make you uneasy, of course. They look away to be respectful, but those small glances have Sirius all cocky

-Having said THAT…

-Marks u up <3

-I’m talking love bites, scratches, hickeys

-Makes sure to make them on a regular basis so they don’t fade out with time

-Yes the boys have walked in on him marking you many times

-“Fucking hell Padfoot just lock the bloody door” James groans while covering his eyes since he knew damn well his best friend wasn’t stopping. “Hey Prongs” you giggle “Hi darling” he says, still not looking at you guys

-“Could you tell your pig boyfriend to lock the door next time?” “ITS AN ART YOU WOULDNT GET IT!!!” he yells, but the sound comes out muffled and barely understandable. “We’ll try” you muse, giggling slightly as the other boy left the room

-Won’t do any of these if he knows it bothers you!! Respectful legend <3

-So, summing it up

-He absolutely adores your boobs, is very much shameless about it and will not tolerate bullshit from anyone <3

[petalsscribbles]

17. save me

"I can't believe that guy." Yn huffs into the night's cold air. Not long after Sunghoon's 'passing out', the oh so gravely injured vampire admitted he was mostly okay and just pretending to be unconcious. His injury isn't light, he had to drop out of the rest of the competition, but it wasn't enough to knock him out.

However, even the annoyance and anger he feels doesn't do a great job at lessening his guilt. Sunghoon lost the race because of him, lost the chance to break a record almost impossible to break, he got hurt because of Yn. All that without a single split of a second of hesitation, just to save Yn.

Yn stops and sighs heavily, pittying himself shamelessly. He looks up to the dark sky, stars adorning it like the freckles Yn finds so charming. It takes only a moment for them to resemble the sparks in Sunghoon's beautiful brown eyes and Yn can only laugh dryly at himself.

"You're really making this whole giving up thing very difficult, Park Sunghoon."

He's about to start moving again when he hears the strange noise behind him. Being his cautious self, he takes out is phone and puts on a selfie mode, pretending to adjust his hair. Surely enough, there is a tall man watching him. He's not very subtle about it either.

For now, Yn decides to play dumb, maybe he's just paranoid. He calmly resumes his journey home, carefully listening to the footsteps echoing behind him. After a while he pretends to tie his shoelaces and the footsteps quiet down, returning when Yn continues walking.

There's no doubt about it now, he is being followed.

With shaky hands, Yn reaches for his phone and clicks on the most recent number dialed, not knowing who it is.

One ring, two rings.

"Yn! Have you decided to forgive me yet?" Sunghoon says cheerfully. Yn silently wonders just how much blood he has lost or if the disc hit some specific part of his brain resposible for not acting like a damn fool. He would've told him off, but right now he's too scared to. He's too scared to say anything, in fact.

"Yn? Is everything okay?" Sunghoon's tone changes completely. From playful to dead serious.

"I think someone's following me." Yn whispers.

"Where are you?"

"Near the gas station."

"Okay, go in there and pretend you wanna buy something. I'll be there as soon as possible. And don't hang up, keep talking to me like you're talking to a friend."

Yn listens, browsing through the aisles, laughing and chatting with nobody as he listens to Sunghoon pant on the other side.

When the stalker checks for other customers and makes sure the cashier is asleep, he enters as well.

This is it, Yn thinks. Sunghoon won't make it in time and Yn is not fit enough to successfully run, let alone fight. He can feel the stranger closing the distance slowly, like a predator watching his prey, calculating his next move.

Yn is frozen in his spot, accepting his demise when a strong arm circles around him and pushes him behind its owner.

It's Sunghoon, panting, phone still in his right hand, the other clenched in a fist.

Neither of them say anything, but the man seems to understand whatever message Sunghoon has been silently sending and decides to live another day.

Yn's legs give out under his weight when the creep is out of sight but Sunghoon is quick to catch him. He uses the opportunity to pull him close and hold Yn tightly.

"You're okay. It's okay." He repeats.

Once Yn stops shaking, Sunghoon helps him to his feet and guides him home.

"It's alright, you can go home now." Yn reassures, sitting on his bed with a glass of water in hand. Yn watches the unsteady surface shake as his anxiety refuses to die down despite being in the safety of his home.

"No, no I can't." Sunghoon says resolutely. He's been pacing back and forth in Yn's spacious room, eyebrows furrowed, traces of anger still present in his eyes. "The man who was following you wasn't just some ordinary creep. He was a vampire on a hunt. I could feel the bloodlust."

"You mean, he was planning on drinking my blood?"

"Yes, even though it's strictly forbidden. It's basically a law among vampires to not drink blood from unconsenting humans." Sunghoon explains, his voice tainted with disgust. "But that doesn't stop some vampires who are sick of animal blood or cold blood bags. And since you smells so..." He trails off, but he doesn't have to finish for Yn to understand.

"I can't tell my parents, they'll make me drop out and lock me up in here and I've never been so happy than I am right now. I don't wanna lose that."

"There is a way for you to stay safe but it will come at a price." Sunghoon suggest after a short pause. His tone is much softer this time, almost defeated.

"What is it?"

"You can become my blood servant."

a/n: listen pookies, I know Yn stories are written in a 'you' format but I hate it so much I can't bring myself to do it and I'm just used to the third person pov

taglist CLOSED

@starchasing-cryptid @foxilsdenn @moonslie04 @kkurbys @winter-world @bleedingxheartt @gnusihcom @dkmyman @mortifesboy @kkyoluv @teoluvsyou @bubblztaro @conwunder @xavi-in-kpopland @monstaxpuppy @gabrielllx @tarotarosung @livingsecret @onementally-unstabel-kid @axolotl04 @hwalleluja

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[kit-williams]

So I read your piece about Honsu. That would be great. And you know, we joke and analyze about fetishes, kinks and sexual attraction in Astartes.

But! I think it's pretty weird that traitors didn't return sexual attraction to Space Marines…

Since the lack of sexual desire is due to the fact that the Emperor did not want a new species to appear. But traitors consider themselves above mortals, so why not return sexual desire to them? GW has lost so much potential.

Well, yes, it will be very funny to watch how traitors would cope with new emotions. Those who have had sex or know about it, will immediately figure it out.

But the rest… I imagine how they look at women like crazy maniacs, not knowing what to do or what to say. Given their psyche and testosterone, their heads will simply explode from emotions.

If before they simply killed and tortured mortals, they were irritated by weakness. Now they suddenly started to like it. Are you crying? Your tears will be wiped away and you will be told that you are beautiful. In the most horrible way.

Are you pregnant? Will you name the child after him? Have you given birth yet? Now breastfeed quickly, and the Astartes will watch.

And courtship?

The Night Lord will give you human hearts and cloaks of leather.

The Emperor's Children will read you their poetry and sing. But since this is Slaanesh, prepare for vulgarity.

Iron Warriors: romance is kidnapping you and locking you in a cage.

And yes. All. All Space Marines will make you watch them fight and kill. Because it is sexy.

And so begins the Space Marines' Human Husbandary. An extremely creepy and scary thing…. I'll write about it one day.

Listen Honsou was just speeding things up when he was making the Demonculaba; you can't look at that thing and be like "there's some psychosexual things to be unpacked here."

Did you know that there's roughly 350ish generations within the span of 10,000 years (I have a feeling if chaos wasn't fucking around there would be a new species... then again Bile made his New Humans and basically unleashed them into populations

But you are right the traitors will have to deal with it first and I can imagine that it hits them suddenly since its so new and Space Marines are experts in handling new sensations.

But it might also be a difference between falling to chaos and simply turning traitor which one might activate that feeling earlier while the other is more of an ability to indulge that curiosity. Either way I hope these satisfy I know for some of them I could write something longer... it's probably obvious what ones I could

(1) sorry it took so long to do these and 2) sorry I went fuckin ham as there are 6 blurbs here )

tw: dubious consent, noncon, bone breaking, abduction, every single one of these is a traitor/chaos marine so that general unpleasantness so please let me know if I need to tag something

The Plague Marine could not figure out why his eyes remained on the female thralls and cultists... he didn't trust himself not to hurt them anymore. He was thankful for his helmet being on most of the time as the intense look in his eyes surely made them all cower and fear till...she got too close and he couldn't stop. He at least stopped before he fully broke all her bones... Grandfather would help him... Grandfather knew what was afflicting him. As while she was this pathetic mewling and weeping thing in his grasp he wanted to crush her again.

She was desperately crawling away as of course she would get hurt and have to be left to die. Oh she didn't want to die in the torturous way they would think up for her. He knew she didn't want to die... all prey didn't want to die and yet they knew all up until that last moment of life. He could practically hear the wild heartbeat and the way her wide prey like eyes locked onto his form as she let out the most beautifully frightened scream as the fallen Raven Guard barrels toward her. But before his claws sink in he skids to a stop and he watches her bite her bottom lip till it bleeds to stop the shrieking. His black eyes are fixated on the tears rolling down her cheeks like raindrops... his mutated palm wiping away those tears with the wet skin feeling so soft to him. His warped voice croons softly, his voice a breathy whisper, "You're so beautiful." He grins as she just starts to scream again.

He didn't need a bed slave... he was beyond that as blood shed was all he needed but he took you for a moment of relief... frail and weak thing that was destined to die in a myriad of horrible ways. But he liked the feeling of you around him... he liked you being a pathetic sad thing. He liked the way you bled and cried... till you stopped bleeding one day and grew fat with his young... he didn't need you... and yet you feel so good around him... and whatever you leaked from your breast felt good upon his tongue.

Courtship? I think you mean them just doting upon you and giving you attention.

You were so alone at this point that it was hardly safe to simply exist... ever since you got that first heart and the entire perfectly skinned human cloak everyone started to avoid you and the hearts and leather didn't stop... you're going to die... you know it you're going to die and you think it as you're hiding and weeping when behind you comes a Night Lord. He coos to you petting your head as you feel so numb you take the comfort just praying to anyone bothering to listen to have him make it quick. "Mmm you're clinging to me so tightly... are you scared? Do you need someone to protect you?" You don't know why you nod as you just hope you die soon. "At least I know you've enjoyed my gifts," He croons watching you finally react with dread horror as he just grins down at you and yet you do not struggle to pull away. Its over for you and you just accept your fate....

He sings to you as you lay there a quivering mess... just a tryst he tells himself as his fingers move up your spine having claimed you as his prize from another brother. He had grown tired of the cacophonous noise that spewed from his now dead comrade and he was only now just indulging in the soft noises you made. The panting and whimpering as his song was soft and low with tantalizing lyrics interspersed. You looked prettier covered in blood... with that fight left in your eyes as you rage against the inevitable end and he at the end of his perfected blade would have given it to you had that battle brother not interrupted. You should have died in such perfected death but he supposed it had been far too long since he indulged himself. And instead of quivering from blood loss and pain you quivered from overstimulation and pleasure. He deserved a nice little treat for his centuries of perfection...

You looked so sad simply attached to the repugnant mortal how your pretty eyes were dimmed and glazed the smile on your face fake. But not to him. You only tried the half hearted attempts to seduce him as you were ordered. You looked so relieved when all he wanted to do was hold you... that breathy thank you. Oh he was certain you would thank him soon enough. You didn't bother to run as you hid in the room that you could never seem to escape... no one would bother to save a body slave much less one of your rank you were at most a warm body to be enjoyed. You had hidden yourself in the back of the closet amongst the gaudy and billowing fabric outfits... you had seen the Astartes check the room before leaving and you had hopped that he was gone. But what luck did someone like you have as he came back and you recognized that crooning voice, "What a good girl... staying right there." It was the Iron Warrior that simply held you instead of fucking you... you hugged your knees tighter as the chains in his hand looked heavy and all you could do was watch in horror as he got closer... and closer... and the little voice inside of you hoped he wouldn't hurt you.

Oh if you do write the human husbandry please tag me I dont think I've got it in me to do it justice.

@bispecsual @egrets-not-regrets @moodymisty @bleedingichorhearts @liar-anubiass-blog

@thevoidscreams @barn-anon @gallifreyianrosearkytiorsusan @squishyowl

@nekotaetae @sleepyfan-blog @remembrancer-of-heresy

[nomoreusername]

Barely Holding On

Pairing:Newt x female reader

Summary:When Newt finds you hurting yourself he goes from angry to looking after and comforting you.

⚠️ Self harm ⚠️

I don't feel normal. I don't feel like I can do as much as anyone else. I don't feel good enough. I just feel so empty, so absolutely worthless. It's as though I'm a ticking time bomb ready to explode and hurt everything around me at any moment.

I don't want to do that. I don't want to be frustrated all the time. I don't want to always wonder if there's something particular messed up in my head. I just want everything to finally feel alright. Not even good. Just normal. Just okay.

I never do. Sure. Sometimes I feel nonchalant or happy when something good happens, but it never lasts.

I didn't bother to try to get clean. Nobody even notices so it doesn't matter anyway. Not only that but when they heal they itch until all I can think about is the cuts littering my skin.

I was supposed to be hanging out with Chuck. I said I would spend Greenie night with him. I want to. I do. I do want to be out there with him, with the Gladers, with my few friends, having a carefree time. I thought I would be able to.

I wasn't. I barely got halfway through the evening before my head kept reminding me that there's a knife waiting for me back under my cot.

"I don't feel very good,"I told him. It isn't even a lie. If I don't cut in the next few minutes, I'm going to start hyperventilating. I need it. I just do. I don't want to, but if I don't get it everything will be ruined.

"But you said-"

"I'll see you tomorrow. Probably. I have to leave though,"I rushed out, standing up before he could actually question me. Resisting the urge to sprint, I kept my hands in my pockets as I walked to my hut. Even though every single foot feels like a million miles I can't be suspicious. I can't, I can't, I can't.

With my heart racing inside of my chest, I didn't dare let my body weigh itself down. My feet need to move. Every part of me needs to move. Every part of me is frozen while also being on autopilot. Absolutely none of it makes sense, but it also does. It does to me. To my messed up brain, all of this is logical.

Bursting into my hut, I was shaking as I slammed the door shut. Ignoring the way I could hardly see through the tears clouding my vision or maybe too messed up to actually notice, I forced my feet one after the other to my cot.

Leaning over, I didn't even have to look to know exactly where the knife was placed. Gripping the handle firmly, I pulled it out from its hidden in plain sight place. You can't really see it when you're in my room, but it's always there. Once you know it is, it takes up more space than any other object, even me.

As I held it the tears just seemed to stop. Everything inside of me stopped. Something in me went cold, almost dark. Numb. It was just numb.

Pulling up my sleeves, I revealed the rows of growing cuts and scars. It started monthly, but now it seems to grow daily. It's taken over my life. Sometimes I realize that, but when I'm doing it some part of me doesn't know anything at all.

Dragging it across one of the few areas that was untouched by darkness, I watched as the blood dripped down my skin. It's as though this is all happening in third person, as if it's not even me doing this anymore.

The sting takes longer to set in now. I think I'm adjusting to the pain or something. That means I either have to either cut longer or deeper. Not enough to die. I don't want to die. I just need my mind to calm down. That's all this is. This is my only hope left of actually holding on.

As I crossed over a fresh cut I winced. Realizing that was the ticket to pain, I went over that spot again and again. By now the shouts of the Gladers and yells of happiness were tuned out. Everything is. Everything but the pain and the blood.

Tears started to fall as the self loathing came back. I could be out there, fulfilling my promise. Instead, I've locked myself in here to cut. It's so messed up. It's all wrong. I'm wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

I hate this. I hate this, but it's the only way to keep stable. It's killing every part of me, but if I don't do this I'll genuinely lose it. I can't lose it. I can't. Not here. This is better than the alternatives. It's better, and it's fine, and nobody will know.

"Y/N?"Newt asked, knocking on my door. As I was brought back to reality I slowly looked at the damage.

It had fallen down my arms, getting crimson drops on my pants. There were blood splatters on the ground. My actual wrist was more of a mess than my head. You could hardly see my skin through all the blood.

"Y/N?"

"Don't come in,"I choked out, letting the knife clank to the floor.

"Are you okay?"

"Go away,"was all I could get out as I shoved it as far under my bed as possible. Frantically tugging my sleeves up, I was shaking as the blood dripped through. Wiping my eyes, I desperately looked around for something to fix it. Something to cover the disaster.

"Are you okay-"

"Leave me alone!"I demanded, my voice unsteady and unsure.

"What's happeni-"

"Leave!"I screamed louder, attempting to wipe my sleeves against my pants only to get the stain to spread. Sitting back on my bed, I kept pathetically continuing the act anyways, running out of options.

"I'm coming in-"

"No!"

Ignoring my protests, he opened my door to see me sitting there, my feet over the edge of the bed and my long sleeves stained with blood. As he just stood there in shock the door closed on his own behind him, leaving us there with nothing but my self destruction.

"I-I can't-"

"What is wrong with you?"He asked slowly, the situation seeming to sink in.

"I-I don't-"

"No seriously? What is wrong with you? You're supposed to be out there, with everyone? How are you in here? How?"

"I didn't mean-I'm sor-"

"No! How could you?! I have asked if you are okay! I have been worried about you, and you always say you're fine! Every! Damn! Time!"

With the tears streaking my face, I unconsciously dug my nails into the little bit of my exposed skin, ripping into the cuts.

"You've said you're okay! You said everything was fine but you're in here doing this! For how long?! How bloody long?!"

With sobs leaving the back of my throat, my nails dug deeper into my fresh wound as I started shaking. This wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't.

"Do you think this is fine?! Do you think this is okay?! Do you think it's fine to sit in the dark and cut yourself?! Do you?!"

Frantically shaking my head, I cried harder as I sputtered out weak apologies. Despite this I seemed physically incapable of pulling my nails from my cuts. I just clawed at myself as all the emotions hit me like a tidal wave.

"I'm sorry, love,"He said gently, everything about him suddenly seeming soft. Mumbling incoherent things, I buried my face in my hands. "It's okay. It's okay,"He coaxed, sitting in front of me. Cautiously taking my hands, he pulled them away from him and into his.

"I'm sorry,"I got out.

"It's okay. I promise. I'm not really mad at you. I just didn't expect this. I didn't know you were struggling this badly."

"I'm sorry,"I repeated, physically incapable of saying anything else.

"I'm not angry. I just didn't know you were doing this. I didn't know you were feeling this bad, and I panicked. I love you. I really do,"He whispered.

"I didn't know what else to do. Every part of me feels wrong. Something inside of me is broken, Newt. Truly broken,"I admitted through shaky breaths.

"You aren't broken, Y/N. You're hurting, but you aren't broken. You are full of good. You're full of amazing things, and I'm sorry you can't see that. I'm sorry you thought this was your only way to feel okay,"He whispered, lacing his fingers through mine.

"I don't want to be this way. I don't, but it seems to be all I know. In only a few months, this became everything that I am,"I admitted.

"It isn't all you are though. Just because you're doing something you shouldn't, just because you found something negative and mistook it for coping, doesn't mean it's everything that you are. You are an incredible human who has done nothing but make this place better. There's a reason Chuck was so excited to hang out with you tonight. There's a reason Minho likes to stop and say hi to you before he leaves. There's a reason I love you. You're brilliant, and you deserve better than what you're giving yourself,"He whispered, cupping my face. Wiping my tears away, he looked at me with nothing less than sympathy, undeniable pain, and pure love.

"I never thought it would get this far,"I murmured.

"I'm sure you didn't. That doesn't mean we won't figure it out though,"He coaxed, a bittersweet smile on his lips.

"Every part of me is exhausted. I'm just so drained,"I admitted. Still wiping my tears, he nodded in understanding.

"Then, we'll sleep it off right now. We're gonna go to sleep, I'm gonna hold you, and we'll figure it all out in the morning. Okay?"

"Yes. Okay,"I agreed.

With me still in his arms, we laid down. Pulling my sleeve up, he took my one without the new injuries and pressed his lips to my scars. Shutting my eyes, I let the tears fall down my face as he kissed the ruined parts of me.

"I'll love you forever. I've loved you for so long, and I love you now. No matter how you may see yourself, I will always see you as the most amazing person, the kindest human, and the most beautiful girl in the world,"He whispered.

Cuddling up as close as I could without closing my arms, I rested my head on his chest. Kissing my temple, he whispered sweet nothings until I dozed off.

♡ - - - ♡

When I woke up the next morning it was in Newt's arms. He had still been carefully holding me. He had been wide awake, looking after me.

We left before anyone could see. He snuck me into the Med-hut so he could fix me up. He wiped my cuts, old and new. He kissed my skin and told me it would be okay. He disinfected my arms and wrapped them in bandages.

The thing that stuck out most was that he had given me his bracelets. He told me that whenever I thought I needed to hurt myself but couldn't find him, to look at these and remember that I will never be alone. He made sure they would stay.

He understandably hadn't left me alone today. He was by my side, making sure I wasn't a current danger to myself. He didn't do anything big which only made me more grateful for him. He kept a subtle eye on me, smiling whenever he met my gaze, holding my hand when he was able to, and whispering reassuring words in my ear.

Alby needed him for a moment. Something about a Second-in-command duty.

"Will you be okay for a minute, love?"He checked.

"I will,"I promised.

"Okay. I'll be back soon,"He promised, kissing my temple before going to see what he needed.

Getting back to planting the seeds, I made sure the dirt was firmly packed.

"It seems like he's just obsessed with you today,"Someone drew out. Looking up, I saw James. He wasn't known for kind words so needless to say him speaking to me randomly was a red flag.

"He's just being loving,"I said quickly, about to chew the inside of my cheek before catching myself. Looking at the bracelets, I smiled for a second.

"His bracelets, huh?"

"Yep. They were just a gift,"I muttered, standing up so that he was no longer towering over me.

"Really? Let me see?"

"No!"I said quickly as he grabbed my wrist. Wincing at the contact his hand made, I held it to my chest as a sound of pain left my mouth. While it was only for a second, it was enough for him to notice. That and I had almost yelled, catching some nearby bystanders attention.

"Oh, I get it,"He smirked.

"Leave me alone,"I demanded.

"He wants to make sure you don't hurt yourself, doesn't he?"He guessed, trying to pull the bracelet off again. Keeping my arms pressed to my sides, I repeated for him to just leave me alone as I willed myself not to cry in front of everyone. I can't. I won't.

"Awe. You gonna go hurt yourself again?"

"What do you think you're doing?"a familiar and now cold voice asked. Looking back, I saw Newt walking up before standing beside me, his eyes narrowed and arms crossed over his chest.

"Chill. I was just joking,"He defended, his hands in his air.

"No. That was you being a prick. Nothing more, nothing less,"He corrected.

"But-"

"Come with me. Now,"He demanded, his voice calm yet furious.

"I didn't-"

"Now,"He repeated even firmer. Realizing there was no way out of it, he followed Newt past the gardens. Looking back, he made sure he was still going. When he was, he led him in front of the pit. "In, now,"He commanded, opening one of them and gesturing him inside.

"But-"

"Did I say it was up for debate? Get inside. Right. Now,"He repeated.

Once again realizing he couldn't actually get out of punishment, he hopped inside, his head down and face hidden in shame. The second he hit the ground he slammed it shut and tied it tighter than I think it's ever been. Even from here, I could see his jaw clenched.

When he was sure it was alright he walked away, his head held high. Standing beside me again, he grabbed my hand as if nothing happened.

"Come on. Let's go on lunch,"He suggested. Nodding my head, I intertwined our fingers as I kept myself pressed against him, ignoring the way my face heated up.

Heading over to the kitchen, he asked Fry if we could get our food early. With a smile and no questions, he served us, giving a polite nod.

Taking both the bowls, he led me a little bit into the Deadheads. By now everyone was back to their previous activities, not wanting to pry on whatever that was.

Sitting beside him, I rested my head on his shoulder as he handed me my bowl. Knowing that all I wanted right now was silence and his company, he let us do nothing but eat and savor the others presence, exactly the way I needed.

[soapssuds]

Infinity

Yandere ! Gojo x Female ! Reader

Part 8 | start over again

warnings | yandere!gojo, death, murder, implied that sukuna becomes a curse, etc.

Notes | this fic will be using she/her pronouns for y/n. Also this is a reincarnation fic, so Gojo's name will not be "Satoru" in this part. And please let me know if you want to be in a taglist for this series !! ^-^

Summary | And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you.

Extra Note | This fic is now on wattpad under my username "icametolaughatyou" !!

Infinity Masterlist

GOJO SEIJI could not, for the life of him, find a way to make sure that y/n will love him in future reincarnations. In other words, he was left with a single option. To make sure this never happens again.

Granted, it would be difficult to ensure that y/n falls in love with him in every life. Not to mention that it is never simple when it comes to finding her either.

However, in every single life, he manages to find her, or she accidentally finds him. Both incidents are by chance, of course, but the chances are never zero.

So, how to deal with the current situation...

The answer was obvious. The two of them simply have to start over. Gojo hates starting over, but what other option does he have? Sukuna has touched her. Sure, her innocence is still in tact, but it won't be for long. Sukuna definitely comes off as the impatient type.

"Master?"

He turned in his chair and focused on the door. A smile coming to his face, she's here.

Despite her getting married to someone that wasn't him. He couldn't bring himself to be mad at her. In fact, he blames this whole mess on himself. Truthfully, he should of snatched her up the moment she walked right through the door when they first met.

He won't make the same mistake again.

"Come in."

Standing up, and making sure his clothes were in order, y/n came in a moment later and closed the door behind her.

"Master, I'm sure you're already aware, but I'm afraid I'll be leaving the Gojo estate in a few days, so.. if you want.. would you like to start looking for a new maid to assist you?"

His eyes scanned her for a moment. Completely and utterly enraptured by her mere presence.

"Of course. Though it'll be a shame to lose you."

Y/n smiled and shook her head, "I'm honestly not that good of a maid."

"Nonsense, if you were terrible, I would of kicked you out a long time ago."

That was a lie. Gojo would have never done that. He would of held onto her that much tighter. The mere thought of throwing her out sickens him.

Because in every single life she lived, she didn't get a happy ending. Even when she was reborn as his granddaughter.. at the end of it all. She had to die.

Just like how she has to die now.

She was in love with another man. Is being tainted by another man's touch. The two of them have to start over. Its the only way for things to be set right.

"You're always so kind to me, Master."

"Then why don't you stay?"

"Well.. even though I love working here. I want to, well, you know... be closer to Sukuna."

He felt his jaw clench, "that so?"

"Yes, I love him very much!"

"Does he do anything for you?"

She paused and frowned a little. Head tilting to the side as she thought over his question, "what do you mean?"

"What i mean is... what does he do for you? How did you fall in love with him?"

"Oh! Well thats easy! He's super nice to me, sure he was mean when we were kids, but all that changed when we got super close! He is always there for me and beats anyone up that messes with me! And .. how I fell in love with him ..," Gojo's eyes darkened at the lovestruck look on her face. How could she talk about another man like this?! Why can't she remember her past lives with him?! Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why-

"Master?"

Her gentle touch made his senses go on overdrive when she laid a hand on his arm. Her eyes filled with worry.

"Are you alright? Are you not feeling well?"

He raised his hand and cupped her cheek. His form bending down to her height slightly so his lips could press down onto her forehead.

"Yeah, I'm feeling just fine. And don't worry y/n...I'll set everything right."

"What the fuck did you do?!"

Gojo faced Sukuna, arms crossed as the latter fumed and raged like a child having lost something dear to them.

"I did nothing, i have just come here to inform you that there has been an accident and that you're wife has passed-"

Gojo tilted his head to the side, easily dodging a blast of cursed energy directed his way.

"So angry. Her loss is terrible. But we all must move on."

Sukuna cracked his knuckles, "or maybe you were just too pissed that she wasn't yours so you went ahead and killed her."

Gojo made no move to enter a fighting stance. He merely continued to look down at the man. Eyes devoid of any emotion.

"I would never kill her. At least not with reason."

"The hell is that supposed to mean?!"

"Simple, I didn't kill her, I merely see it as me fixing what has been wronged in this life. A mere accident that won't ever happen again."

"Gojo..."

Gojo turned to leave the man, but before he left, he looked over his shoulder, "oh, so I won't forget, I'll just tell you now. In her next life, stay away from her."

Sukuna didn't have time to ask what the man meant by that, as Gojo was already gone.

And as his words started to sink, Sukuna finally understood.

"Sick son of a bitch."

To torment a girl in every reincarnation, how unexpected of the Gojo clan. Or more specifically, one man from the prestigious clan...

Infinity taglist | @whore-for-hawks @esthelily @huicitawrites @flaming-vulpix @zeniiis @rin1802 @mrowwww @kenstarsworld

[amarayys]

EPISODE 13 CHP 2 DRDT SPOILERS.

so. WHAT THE FUCK. Levi has basically no empathy confirmed. He wants to be liked but he doesn't understand what caring about others is like. Ace tells levi to die. Lmao. Also he's so suspicious +He mentions the only person who he ever trusted. WHO NOW??? Eden and Arei doomed yuri. We get Arei and David flashback. Arei's cg looks like sora from sdra2s final cg btw thats just a random thought i had. Arei you can't do this to me. She really said "I'm a piece of shit but so is David so let's fix eachother" AUHSVGDHBJFKL Okay. EDEN. WHAT THE FUCK. EDEN. NOBODY SAW THIS COMING. I WAS SO CONVINCED IT WAS TERUKO BUT IG NOT??? Eden took Xander's eye out. So. Eden's probably a traitor, though it's probably not voluntary - we see her crying as she holds the bloody fork. I'm sorry, but with this, I think Eden culprit and Levi accomplice theory is over. I just don't think it works. Also how in the fuck does Arei know about that. my girl eden getting character development real david lying cause he thinks hes tough shit teruko DEFENDING LEVI??? YALL???? SHES PROJECTING HOW SHE FELT IN CHP 1 ONTO LEVI AND DEFENDING HIM I HATE HER /pos DAVID SNEEZING SPRITE LMAO. okay so all secrets are revealed. Teruko is either lying or mistaken about her secret, cause the look David gives her after it CANNOT be innocent. this does tell us something though - the family one applies to teruko, if shes not lying on purpose. but...what??? Who does family refer to? It cant be her parents, she never knew them. And she barely remembers her brother. Maybe it's the others at the orphanage, or her friends? Also, she feels survivors guilt apparently and wished she died with whoever family is. Somebody give my girl Teruko a break. EVERYONE SMOKES TERUKO FOR NOT KNOWING WTF THE SPINNY THING IS. Fandom cheers as Teruko finally stops getting interrupted and explains the murder method. WHIT AS A DOG HAD ME CACKLING I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. We see that Teruko's drawing isn't much better than her handwriting (which we get more samples of btw!!!!!!!) Nico's gonna have to explain the murder... maybe the theory that Nico was framed by / helped someone is true, but idk. Teruko's interrogating the shit out of them. So. Culprit? I think realistically, the best options for the culprit are Ace, Rose, and Whit. Maybe Hu, Veronika or Nico if you squint REALLY hard but I doubt it. I think Ace is SUPER suspicious, half because vibes and half because david calling his ass out here

Rose definetly has potential to be the culprit, but idk. im tired leave me alone. WHIT. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING YOUVE SAID THIS TRIAL IS SO SUSPICIOUS. YOUVE BEEN THROWING BLAME ONTO LEVI CONSTANTLY. U KNOW ABOUT HANGING SPECIFICS FOR SOME REASON. UR SO SUSPICIOUS UR NOT SUSPICOUS ok thats it unrelated to this post, i made a doc of my live reactions to stuff and here are some things i wrote that i thought were funny

I am tired but this episode was SO good. I'll probably make a more in dept theory/post on it tmr lmao its 1:36 am.

[lihyot-am-chofshi-beartzeinu]

This was sent to my main but I didn't want this putrid shit on my aesthetic blog. @trudgemank99, I'm going to try to explain this as best I can without insulting you.

Zionism is not a fascist ideology, and it is not responsible for an "ongoing genocide".

You don't even know what Zionism is. Seriously, you and others like you straight up don't even know what it means. You don't know its history, you don't know its cultural and religious significance, you don't know its politics, you don't know how it has saved so many Jewish peoples' lives over the 20th century. How dare you apply your own made-up interpretation of it to give you an excuse to go around harassing Jewish people on the internet?

You know how I see you? I see you as a Nazi. Because you have replaced "Jew" with "Zionist" in your vocabulary, so that you can get away with the same hatred of Jews that has festered within society for thousands of years.

You claimed in that other thread that you cared about the Palestinians. But you don't, because instead of, oh, I don't know, donating to charities or uplifting Palestinian voices, or even supporting joint Israeli-Palestinian peace movements like Standing Together, Women Wage Peace and A Land For All, you chose to desecrate the images of dead and grieving Palestinians who are victims of the tragedy of the conflict to "prove" it was a genocide (it's not; the ICJ ruled that Israel must take steps to prevent actions that could be considered genocidal. War and civilian death is horrific enough on its own; you gain nothing by misrepresenting what it is.)

You couldn't even name a single person in those pictures when I pressed you. I don't even know if those photos were of the conflict, because you didn't link to any reputable sources or date the images or name the photographer. For all I know they could have been pictures of the devastating war in Syria, which have taken on a second life with people attributing them to Gaza. Either way: how dare you use the dead as props. They were real people with real families and friends left behind to suffer - they are not your "gotcha" gore card to play on the internet.

Despite all of that, I don't hate you. I don't hate anyone. I don't want anyone to die. I want the conflict to end but I am realistic about why it occurred and why there is no ceasefire yet (hint: it's because Hamas keeps refusing ceasefires, because they want to send as many Gazan civilians to their deaths as they can). There is nothing I can say or do on my blog that will work towards an end to the conflict, and nothing I can do or say in my real life that will end the conflict - because I don't have a direct line to Netanyahu's office, and calling my local politicians here in Australia will accomplish fuck all. Because Australia doesn't influence Israel, just as Israel doesn't influence Australia.

So how does ranting incoherently at Jewish people on Tumblr save Palestinians? Go on, answer how screaming at me demanding I call it a genocide helps anyone.

I'm not defending Israel. I don't need to. What I do talk about is fighting Antisemitism and anti-Zionism - because there is no difference between them anymore. You and people like you might keep using the word "anti-Zionist" (something that I consider to be grossly inappropriate and culturally appropriative, actually) but we all know that, deep down, you're just Jew-haters.

If you can't admit to yourself that you are operating on a basis of incoherent hatred for Zionists (aka Jewish people who believe in the existence of a Jewish homeland in our ancestral land of Judea; something, by the way, that is fully compatible with the existence of a Palestinian state) then I'll do it for you: you are a Jew-hater.

Oh, wait! You did admit it:

Thank you for this mask-off moment. Truly.

[inamagicalhallucination]

okay like i said earlier, here's my favorite parts from my fic kldfjakldsfj (the one i posted a week (?) ago) that had me giggling as i wrote them so now i have to share them specifically or i'll die

its a lot tho lmao so scroll away if u must

starting of strong

(i am 100% gonna try to write a fic that's just this part)

"He briefly considered Higuchi, who wasn’t up there with Gin and the Jinko, but higher than say: Tachihara. But she was rather strange.

She was always all red and squealy; she had gotten an interest in boss-secretary romances for a while now, and no matter how many subtle hints he sent that that was an awful thought, she did not get it. Either way, he made the resolve to keep her away from Mori, as best as he could. It wasn’t hard, of course, since the chain of command meant that she usually reported to him or Chuuya-san, whom Ryuunosuke, himself, reported to. Either way, it was clear her sense of romance was distorted." "

/

"So he did what any sensible man would do. He hoarded his room with non-perishable snacks and drinks. Then he locked himself in. Unfortunately, Gin, the traitor, had called Chuuya and Chuuya had physically forced Ryuunosuke’s door open – by breaking it. And then he had dragged Ryuunosuke from where he hid under his bed when he first heard Chuuya’s voice. He dragged him kicking and screaming, dodging all of Rashomon’s attempts at freeing her human from Chuuya’s grip."

/

"“Cr-” Chuuya choked out, “crushes? What crushes? I don’t have crushes! In fact, I have a not crush!”

“Chuuya-san,” Ryuunosuke replied, concerned, “do you hear yourself when you speak?”"

(10 bucks and i write kunichuuzai whilst sskk drama is going on)

/

"He just had to figure out what to bribe Ranpo with. Ryuunosuke did not think the shipment of cocaine he had just dealt with during a mission would suffice. This was unfortunate as it was something Ryuunosuke already had in hand."

/

“Okay, sure. I'm only here because Atsushi likes you or whatever.” 

Ryuunosuke’s heart started acting up and he made a mental note to bring it up during his next doctor's appointment. 

“I don’t like you,” Tanizaki continued, aiming Ryuunosuke with a glare. Perhaps it would have affected Ryuunosuke, but he was still concerned about his new heart problems. Knowing he could be dying from a lung disease was bad enough, now heart problems?"

/

" The Jinko was wearing his usual stupid cat-boy business attire but Ryuunosuke decided to not comment on it."

/

"Ryuunosuke closed his eyes and for a second pretended that the warmth of Atsushi’s presence was something he could deserve.

When he opened them, he knew he did not. " (i sent this to like 3 different ppl after writing it)

/

all of atsushi's dialogue about feeling like an idiot for thinking he could be loved

/

"“ I will only love you too much!” Ryuunosuke shouted, startling Atsushi. “I will love you, I will take and take and take every single speck of you in my selfishness and I will never be able to give you anything that can even dare to stand next to that. In my heart, body, and soul, I will hold you and no matter how much you want to be let go off, I will not be able to. Atsushi you have to know, the only thing I am good for is taking. I take and take, and I will take and take until there is nothing left of you, can you not understand?”"

/

"“You misunderstand me,” Ryuunosuke said, trying to force the words out. It was better this way. “I ignored you on purpose.” "

/

"For the record though, most people have feelings.”

“I do not believe you.” 

/

"“Akutagawa Ryuunosuke,” Atsushi’s voice was hard, “please refrain from thinking of me as a thing.”"

/

*copies and pastes all the dialogue from their (unnecessary) fight*

[ktchie]

'It's the hope that kills you'

Ted Lasso x Reader

Fluff and Angst

♡ other tags: attempt at humour/ no proof read we die like Rupert should've / possible part two

♡6.1k words

◇ In which Y/n wanted to confessed and Ted has a pastel pink apron.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

She consider herself as a tough independent woman who rather die and be beheaded than show any ounce of feelings or a hint of affection.

Her therapist said it's because she grew up in a household that doesn't show much emotion or any vulnerability. And they're right, she remember the time she saw her Dad shed a tear on the night of her high-school graduation, hiding behind his hands and cool dad stance before abruptly going to the bathroom and staying there for 40 minutes - he came back with red eyes and a terrible pun joke. As if nothing had happened.

So it is perfectly understandable that she grew up hating vulnerability, choosing to stay rigid and emotionless rather to have her whole soul on the palm of her hand. It doest help either that she's the eldest kid, the pillar of her siblings, the one who lays awake at night thinking any and every problems her parents throw at her way, worrying about it to the point her chest hurt and she has to learn to calm panic attack in such a young age.

So that being said, she never really had the full experience of romance or being in a relationship. She flirted with a few men on her lives and had fucked them plenty of times but she never really did the whole holding hands thing and all that cheesy stuff that people always whined about once the clock hits 10 and loneliness hits you like a freight train.

But meeting Ted, meeting Ted makes her want to dive head first on whatever corny things couples do in this day of age. Whether it be kissing on the rain or robbing a bank at 2pm in a Sunday afternoon.

She stared at him from across her, sitting so patiently like an overgrown child with a cup of steaming hot coffee.

"Something you need, Ted?" Her tone of voice held nothing but pure professionalism that made her quietly hissed.

Ted looked at her with his big brown eyes that makes her heart all googoo gaga, she sometimes wonder if Ted is secretly part of some hidden government group because she swore that puppy eyes could stop a international fued.

"Oh you know, just wanna visit ya'" he stated with a cheeryness only he can produced in the morning, all dimple and wide smiles. "'been awhile since I saw you, thought you're actually avoiding me but boss said that you're six feet under with all the work you got goin' on"

She chuckled at his words "Ted, I don't think there's anything in this world that could keep me away from you" she answered with a subtle smile, if she wanted him she would get him, whether it be by words or thousand of prayers.

Ted looked at her silently, wide eye and a blossoming blush on his cheeks. He looks ethereal underneath the early morning sun, a fallen single strand of hair dangling on his forehead that makes her hand itch with yearn to fix it.

"But I have been awfully neglectful to the rest of you, haven't I?" She decided to move on from her flirting (?), she doesnt want Ted to dropped dead on the floor from all the blood on his head. "I've been busy these past few weeks, but Will told me about the team plan get together on Sam's restaurant. I'll make sure to attend it, even shoulder the payment if we can get Sam to give us the bill"

Ted nodded his head, tounge tied for once, some part of her rejoiced while the other part, the one who always fear rejection and if she's being too much or too stupid, fear for whatever friendship they have (or had, if worse comes to worse)

"I-well" he cleared his throat, looking at her through his weirdly long eyelashes that always made her tear up in awe and envy.

"We can uh' y'know, we can split the bill, don't hav'ta shoulder it all by yourself"

"No its alright" she shook her head, she contemplate touching his arms, feel the soft fabric of his awfully comfy looking sweater and the skin underneath it but she decided not to, Ted might freak the fuck out and leave the room yelling 'HR! HR!' And have her fired and be shamed by the rest of the Richmond community for touching their beloved American wanker. "Consider it as my payment for forgetting to visit the locker room"

"Wasn't your fault, anyway" he shrugged before gesturing to the tower of folders and impending blueprints for the upcoming renovations and building upgrades. "I mean take a look at that, the great mt. Everest would cry if he saw this monstrosity. Even looking at it makes my stomach all funky" he shudder at its sight. "Do you even take a break? Jeez."

She sighed and leaned back on her office chair "from time to time, 15 minutes or 5. I like to finish my work early so.."

Ted frowned, he has one of those upset looks that makes her heart clenched and crack little by little until it exploded on her chest and she has to pretend she wasn't in pain so he could view her as a normal human being and not a lovesick teenager. "Ya should take a better care of yourself, you can't just go 'n on 'n on workin' till you drop dead" if it's possible, his doe eyes turned even more sadder. " its not good for you"

She bit her lip, her thighs moving up and down underneath her desk. She never liked it when he's anything but happy. "I can go take a rest when I go home and take a rest some more once I finish of all this work. its fine, don't worry too much about me"

"How can I not worry about you?" Ted leaned in, sad eyes and furrow brows. "Youre my-" he sighed before he shake his head "heck, If I had known you're over 'ere slowly killin' yourself i would have yank you from your desk till you're screamin' and cryin'"

Screaming and crying huh? Oh she can do that, alright.

"Ted.." she sighed, trying her hardest to ease the furrow on his brows "its fine, im fine. Don't worry about me too much. there's another game coming up, thats what you should be focusing on yeah?"

Ted sighed deeply, leaning back on the chair before nodding. A lock of hair fell down on his forehead, perfect it was, and y/n thought he never looked more beautiful then. She wonder if Ted kept his hair perfectly gel all the time or if he had ever let his guard down on the four walls he had been forcely call his home.

She would love to see him just him, just Ted, with his goofy smiles and bad puns and old reference from a bad film made years before.

She would love to love him, flaws and imperfections and bad days. She would paint him beautifully, perfect at every stroke of her brush and no smudge of mistakes and yet she knows she still wouldn't do him justice. Ted is just too perfect, too lovely, too godly to be even be depicted on a rough white canvas of this wretched world. Ted deserves to be painted in the walls of the church, or at every thread of the clouds, he was meant to be seen and to be watched and to be memorize until his kindness and his generosity and smile are engraved deep within everyone's heart. Y/n wanted to worship Ted with utmost devotion that her mouth would utter prayers like a second breath, until her two pressed hands bleed and flowers grow between her palm.

She watched him sat across her, his gaze darting everywhere on the carpet before a smile slowly broke on his lips, eyes suddenly lighting up and whole body perking up.

"Hey" he looked up to her, grin and joyful gaze "guess what I cooked last night" he had said giddily

"if you get it right I might just have to take a peek on that ridiculous sitcom you've always buggin' me to watch"

She scoffed, offended. "Modern family is not ridiculous, it's the best thing that ever happened to television-"

"Now hol' up. You're gettin' ahead of yourself now, sugar" she pretended the pet name didnt make her stomach flip and twist and did all kinds of wwe wrestling stunt. 

"I'll have you know that you're wrong, there are tons of- you know what, I ain't even gonna argue with you because we're both too tired for this and I'm too excited to tell you what I cooked last night, so just guess, come on"

She squinted her eyes before sighing as she started to think. "Well, last time we spoke you wouldn't shut up about barbecue and kebab and that one burger that sounds like it could kill you from one sniff"

"Triple cheese burger with bacon crisp, 3 sunny side eggs and curly fries dipped in ranch and garlic sauce with side on-"

"Sounds awful. Americans and their ridiculous food, seriously how are you not dead yet?"

Ted had shrugged with a sickeningly sweet smile "have no idea, but its good 'n ya know what they say 'enjoy life while it lasted'"

"Curse that qoute for manipulating you, let's just pray you wouldn't drop dead in the middle of the court because we can't handle your decaying body and another lose at the same time"

"You betcha! Now guess what I cooked!" Ted was almost jumping from his seat, propping his head on his palm as he stared at her.

"Come on, now"

"Curry"

"No"

"Friend chicken?"

"Nope, but boy I would love to have that right now"

"Salad?"

"Heck no! You kiddin' me?"

"Uhhh, curry?"

"You already said that!" Ted pouted lightly and she almost reach out to trace the bottom of his lips and mumbled how sweet he look right now but thankfully she stopped herself.

"Allright I give up" she threw her hand up and sigh "anything you cooked is fantastic anyway, doesn't matter what it is"

"Oh, arent you a sweetheart" he smiled at her so adorably it made her tooth ache. "I'm glad you think so because I just cooked f/f!" Ted yelled so excitedly, arms spread wide and eyes bright.

She looked at him with agape mouth

"F/f? Are you serious?" She grinned so widely, it has been awhile since she tasted it, mainly because the only f/f she had ever ate is the one her mother cooks.

"Course! I wouldn't lie to ya!" Ted had stated "I couldn't get some shut eyes last night so I decided to make it, better to do something than nothin' at all am I right?"

She's still looking at him, as if in trance. "Wow Ted..I mean im pretty fucking pump but-well, why did you make it? You could have baked, you usually bake when you have nothing to do"

Ted looked away from her, cheeks suddenly getting warm and pink under the sunlight. "Oh you know..just miss ya' I guess"

Her heart crumbled and melted inside of her chest, she could feel its warmth drip from every nerve she has and settle deep within her guts and lay there until she has to curl her toes in a pathethic attempt to calm herself down.

He took a peek at her under his lashes. "I was so used seeing you every darn morning 'ere so it makes me all sad and upset when I don't. Even coach beard had to knock some sense in to me, told me to keep my marbles together or else he'll hide my barbecue sauce" he lightly chuckled "pretty heavy threat, if you ask me"

"I didnt know you miss me so much"

"Are you kiddin' me? I miss ya a hell'ava lot more than 'much'" Ted had almost yelled "i miss ya more than Roy misses running! And thats alot"

She laugh quietly, both in amusement and the tickling feeling deep on her stomach that normal people (with normal amount of love on their heart) would refer as butterflies, but for her, for someone who love too deep and too vast and too much and for a girl like her that grew up reading stories and fairy tales and movies characters with soft confession under bright stars and harsh rains, she could refer the feeling on her stomach as a clawing beast, a magnificent one born on legends and shaky words of the fear locals, with a ferocious growl and wild eyes and fangs as big as a tallest house.

In short, everytime Ted does something so adorably lovely on her eyes she could feel the entire animals on her stomach.

She looked at him with a gentle smile, eyes bright and so so soft - looking at him a like proper lover would. "I miss you too, Ted" she had said almost like a whisper, like a sin. "More than you could ever know"

The statement sounded too intimate, the tone too romantic to be said between casual friends and even the silence after it could be written in a pages of old romance stories - describe it like moment after the music, where the two of them stares at one another with that yearning look that makes all the reader sick to their stomach.

Her words sounds like a confession, one that is so gentle even the gods up above would melt where they stood. She didn't utter the proper words of 'i love you' and didn't open her palm where her bleeding heart lay and offer it to him with a desperation - but the way she said her words, the way every letter soud so much like a sudden whisper in a night of passion and sudden realization of devotion and adoration makes her statement more than a confession - as if it was an oath, a promise set on stone. Like a knights word as he kneeled on his king and offered the edge of his swords, bare against the world, bright steel and fierce glare as his lips mouth his promise, the words he would live and die on, where war would start and where it would end - be it by his blood or his foes. And similar to that y/n is ready to be let down on where she sat, to spill her heart like a leaking wound and let it stains them both, let him know how she feels, how serious, how much time she had spent pinning after him, yearning, adoring him so silently like a lovesick suitor from afar.

Ted grinned at her, dimple deep on his cheeks and that damn fallen hair on his forehead that makes him so so lovely. He opened his mouth and y/n waited with bathed breath and wonder what words would come out but before he could even roll his tounge the door of her office opened with a harsh loud push.

"Y/n we have to- oh. oh Ted! Good morning!" Higgings strolled in clumsily and no matter how much she love the little dork she kinda want to crush his glasses on her palm and send him home.

"Higgins! Nice to see ya today, buddy" Ted stood up to greet him and to give him a pleasant hug and if the coach is annoyed at anyway, he didn't show it. God he's so kind its annoying..

"You too, Ted. You too" Higgins replied with a smile that reserved only for Ted, filled with gratitude and adoration before he turned to her and she watch, with great amusement and a little irritation, when that smile fell down on his lips. "And uh, we need to talk"

She sighed mournfully, waving a goodbye to the wonderful conversation she was having with her love and to the words he would say earlier. She gestured Higgings to sit across her before she met Ted's eyes.

"Im afraid we'll have to cut our cheesy conversation here, Ted. Duty calls and if you want someone to blame, blame Higgings" she pointed at the man with a teasing smirk that had Higgins poor heart rapidly beating with nervousness.

"What? But I'm merely doing my job-"

"Im fucking with you" she patted his shoulder with a light laugh before glancing at Ted, who still remained at her office with a smile.

"I'll gave you a call later" Ted had said "let's have a dinner, ill cook for ya'"

She bit her lip to keep the ridiculous love sick smile threatening to rip her mouth apart and nodded "ill look forward to it, have a good day"

"You too, sugar"

And he was gone and if Higgins wasn't infront of her, staring at her with that bewildered look only spooked squirrel could do she would have stood up and do a cartwheel on her carpeted floor because holy fucking shit Ted is going to cook for her, just for her, not like those times where they eat together on the locker room and she has to sneakily steal his lunch - tho she knows Ted wouldn't mind Beard is another problem, she still thinks Beard has a few dead bodies on his back, the man has a stare of a despondent convicted murderer inside a prison cell. Its crazy.

"Oh." Higgings blink rapidly, his mouth subtly and slowly forming a smile. "You and Ted?"

She squinted her eyes "We're friends"

"Not with that look in your eyes, no"

"What did you eat today to have you acting this cheeky, my dear Higgins?" She looked at him up and down with a scowl.

The man let out a grin

"I should be the one asking that" he then leaned in "or should it be 'who did you meet today that have you acting this lovesick, my dear y/n?"

She flush red "You're fired"

"That'd be the 205 times you've fire me and I will continue to ignore it as long as I live"

"The first time i did that you sobbed on my shoulder"

"Well its.." he looked away "it was a different time"

"Sure it was"

____________________________________

"Look what we have 'ere-"

"JESUS, ROY!" She had jumped 2 feet from where she stood, clutching her heart and her car keys.

"What the hell man!"

"What? You got yourself an American man and suddenly you're weak of heart?"

"That doesn't even make any sense.." she mumbled with a disturbed look as she stared at him. "What are you even doing here? and I dont have an American man, get your head straight"

"Its a fucking parking lot, im allowed to be here" He commented with a glared as he not so softly leaned on her car.

She sighed through her nose, annoyed. "What i meant was, why the fuck are you even standing about in here and suddenly appearing from the darkness like a...hairy angry batman"

"Im not fucking hairy!"

"you shed like a golden retriever, you're not fooling anybody!"

Roy, the dog, growled in annoyance before he blocked her way to the driver seat.

"Please move or ill yell bloody murder" she stated suddenly so so exhausted.

"Why actin' so rush? Got somewhere to be?" She squinted his eyes at him, suspicious and contemplating why is he being such a dick.

"Why are you talking to me like you're about to take my lunch money?"

Roy, with the little patience he has, growled once again before he shook his head, as if he was the one getting annoyed and tired on the conversation. Then he stared at her, right on the eye, as if wanting to burn her soul and cook her alive.

"Youre really not going to tell me?" He had asked, hands on his hips.

"Is that how it is?"

"What?" She ask, confused.

"You and Ted" Her eyes widen, what is he on about?

"Me and Ted? What about us?"

"Higgin-" he cleared his throat "I mean, someone told me you and the little prick was getting all chummy in your office. Even got yourself a fucking date, how lovely"

She sighed "there wasn't a date Roy, Ted and I are friends. And we aren't getting 'chummy' or whatever kind of meaning that word has in your vocabulary and tell Higgins-"

"It wasn't higgings"

"-tell him to keep his damn nose out of my business or ill key his car"

Roy stared at her for a long second before he clenched his jaw and mumbled a 'fuckkkkk'

"We're-" he swallowed before he looked upwards to the sky, as if begging the gods above to give him more strength. "We're-..f-friends, arent we?" Her eyes soften in both adoration and amusement as he grimaced with every letter he spoke.

She chuckled "we are, no matter how much you disdain that word"

"Then," Roy had sighed "believe me when I say that that cowboy Mr. Rogers is fucking inlove with you"

Suddenly the air felt too thick and her clothes felt too hot. "Roy, i think you're wrong. Ted wanst-"

"Don't you fucking dare tell me he wasn't because a blind bloke could see it in a mile away, he wouldn't fucking shut up about you. fuck sake, He even draws you!" He yelled dramatically, hands shooting in a air in a form of exaggerated irritation that only Roy Kent could do. "Those past few days where you lock yourself up in your bloody office has been the worst days of my entire life, Ted looks constipated half of the fucking time and all he does is broods and broods and fucking complains about you. He's insufferable! Beard has to talk to him in the bathroom to get him straight!" He massage his temple before sighing and looking at her so gently then, so softly, like a brother would, like a friend would do, like someone you can hold onto when life gets though and days gets bad.

"Believe me, he's inlove with you.." he softly said like a whisper.

"In every possible way a human could love, he's inlove with you"

Her breath hitched from her throat, tounge heavy on her mouth and her heart beat could be hear from miles away. The beast inside of her guts fell silent, almost asleep, like his words strike straight to his heart and send him down on the ground, wounded and shaken and could never get back up.

"I came here to.." Roy cut short, finding the proper words. "To tell you how happy I am that he finally work the balls to ask you out, but turns out he's still a fuckin' pussy and a mess of a man"

She chuckled and shook her head.

"Ted is.." She lick her lips and leaned on her car, Roy beside her and shoulder apart.

"I don't think Ted would do the first move, he's..afraid, I think. All his life Michelle was the only woman he knew, only woman he loved and if what you're saying is not true, then she's the only woman he would forever love" she said almost mournfully. "Divorced is hard, specially for someone like Ted who loves too much and give too much, maybe that's the reason why I'm hopeless inlove with him to the point of humiliation but who fucking  cares, right?" She shrugged.

She then swallowed before sighing a shaky breath. "I'll uh, ill confessed tonight. While we eat dinner, ill..ill try, and if- y'know, he doesnt like it then I'll back off" she bit her lip as her gaze burn holes to the pavement.

"I'll love him from afar, cheer for him from the stands and sob on my office if I saw him and sassy together again"

Roy chuckled "i remembered that one" reminiscing her worst times of sobbing half dead on her office table mumbling how cruel it is to love Ted and asking what Sassy has that she does not.

"Maybe ill hire a hit man too, have them kill you so you could forget about it" she bumped his shoulder with her own and lightly laugh when Roy grunts.

"I'll write it with my fucking blood, believe that"

"Write it with your chest hair and ill believe it"

"You fucking cunt-"

____________________________________

"Sorry 'bout the mess.." Ted gestured to the perfectly clean living room with a sheepish look. "didn't have time to clean up. I'm just too excited to cook for ya I forgot about everything else"

"That so? Well I'm excited to taste it, I'm sure it'll be wonderful" she smiled at him as she put the bottle of wine down on the marble kitchen bar.

"Oh it'll blow your socks off, its nothin' like the food at Sam's restaurant but its darn good if I say so myself" She watched silently as Ted, adorable adorable Ted, wore his pastel pink apron, tied it around his waist and fluff it with a lovely smile that almost had her clutching her precious weak heart.

"Im sure it'll be delicious" she say, referring more to the cook rather than food. "I like anything you do anyway, so"

Ted glance at her and smile, all dimple and bright eyes. It made her smile too, softly, subtly, like one of those yearning smile that hides thousands of words and promises and hopes and desperation.

Ted went back to his cooking, whistling a tune she swore she heard before. He was telling a story, one about a fish and a basketball and a prom that gone wrong but for the life of her she could not listen.

She thought about her conversation with Roy, the words he had utter that made her want to pour her heart out and confessed to her love. She dont want to be hopeful, being hopeful is nothing but a wish on the wind in this place. It is the poison that rots your mind, that decays the flower and the trees and the grass, break the ground you stood up upon - watch it crumble and crumble until your legs become weak and your bones break from your flesh and you fell ill and sick and cough blood until you die and wish that you should have done better, that you should have stayed quiet and at peace and settle from staring from afar instead of watching your own skin slowly peel away as you continue to hope and hope and hope and watch as the filthy earth swallow you whole and- Jesus christ she should really stop reading those sad terrifying books Nate had been recommending her alot, its ruining her head in the worst ways.

"Ya feel alright?" Ted's voice woke her from her thoughts.

She looked at him furrowed brows and concerned eyes. "Im good, it's nothing"

"We could just watch a movie, you know? Order some good ol' pizza and have a laugh on some bad movies and oh! You know what? we could just watch your favourite-"

"I rather just taste your food, Ted. If you don't mind"

"But you look tired" and there it is again, the puppy look, the vain of her existence. God he's so terrible she kinda want to kiss his face and pinch his cheeks.

She chuckled "arent you sweet"

"Oh gosh! I didnt- darn, I didnt mean it that way, sugar!" He was panicking, going all over the kitchen with his cute apron on and little sauce smudge on his cheeks.

"You l-look tired but y'know still pretty, and cute and-and you know? Please darlin' I didnt mean to offend you i just want to-"

"Hey, hey, hey.." she called out to him with a barely contained humour smile "I get it, I was fucking with you. I'm just joking, calm down"

He slumped dramatically on the counter with a sigh "oh goodness, you had me there. Thought I was gonna loose ya'"

They had talked a little bit, or maybe too much, she couldn't exactly remember how long it was or what it was about but she had know they had laugh and jest and share a few stories of their childhood and back when they're still a foolish teenager who didn't know what they want and where they belong - she  still don't know now if she was being honest, she wasn't really the kind of person that plans ahead of time, or give a genuine thought on what she wanted to do in the future and how she will get there but Ted is, Ted knows, Ted understand what he wants and how he will get there and what he see himself on the future and in which place and who he was with, it made her fall a little more inlove with him.

"How was it?" He had asked as he leaned in, nervous and fidgeting.

"Oh gosh please say somethin' I'm about to blow a nerve over 'ere"

She laugh "it was good!" And it is, the best curry she probably had.

"Its perfect, Ted. Even the spiciness is perfect"

He blew out an air "oh thank god, I was so worried ya wouldn't like it! And to be completely honest with ya' I thought I switched up the salt and sugar halfway"

She laugh again, it wasn't even funny, she's just inlove and a complete fool.

Ted started to talk about his day, down to what he had ate for breakfast and how terrible his coffee was 'it tasted like cow piss' his words. He then talked about his theory that Nate is secretly a goverment spy forced to work with him for a very dangerous top secret world breaking undercover mission - when she asked why he think that - 'because nate is a genius and there ain't no way he was a water boy before I came here and coach beard told me he saw nate yesterday slap a fly in a speed of light and didn't even flinch'

It was ridiculous theory but she then remember the amount of gory psychological thriller books Nate has been recommending her for the past few days and a good amount of them involves a spy or two. She wasn't convinced but she'll keep an eye out just incase.

"-it wasn't that much of a big deal"

"You set your school on fire!" Ted had exclaimed rather dramatically, on her opinion, as she told him her high-school tales.

"Thats like- Thats arson!"

"Its not arson if they don't know someone set it on fire" she tap her forehead lightly as if gesturing Ted to see how smart she is. And Ted, bless his heart, actually nodded.

"Youre right, thats smart. Look at ya' getting away with crimes in such a young age!" He grins so beautiful she was actually proud of what her foolish younger self did back then.

"You sounds awfully proud of me bring a criminal"

"Well its kinda awesome and speaking of awesome!--" his eyes was bright and there's a little smudge of sauce near his lips, he looks adorable and loveable and she just suddenly want to kiss him stupid and tell him how much she loves him-

"--Sassy and I are going on date this weekend!"

A glass shattered on the background.

She wasn't adventurous or a sucker for pain and near death experince but if someone had ask her what it would feel like when an arm go through her chest and crush her heart in one fist, she would describe what she's feeling right now in exact gruesome detail that even Nate would vomit on the corner.

She couldn't stop her smile for falling from her lips or the soft disbelief of 'oh' that escape from her tounge, its amazing how a simple two letter words sounded so broken out of the millions she had uttered before.

"Thats great, Ted" she thank every God there is that her voice didn't came out robotic "im happy, you deserve someone who can take care of you"

Ted nodded his head with a grin that is far too wide for his cheeks and then he stared talking, he was saying something but she couldn't hear it, didn't bothered to hear it, she was too busy wondering if the feeling of absence on her chest had been there long before or had just recently appeared now.

"-aint it funny?"

"Yeah" was her response even if she didn't hear any word of it, she avoid his gaze as she wiped her mouth with a tissue and cleared her throat - there's a vile stuck on it that she couldn't seems to swallow.

"Ted, I-uh, I think I'm gonna go home. I'm not feeling very well" she was a liar and a coward but she rather die than cry infront of him -  and suddenly she was young again, alone in her room, toes cold from the floor board and clenching her hands into a tight fist and wondering what is it about her that is unlovable.

"Oh, uh, okay" Ted stood up from the table "are you feelin' dizzy? Does your tummy feels funny? Do you wan-"

"I don't" she said firmly, she was upset, mad, not to him but to herself, for even hoping that she could have this. "I don't need anything, thank you" she lied and swallowed the humiliation of even wanting to say everything she wanted to say to him. All those words she wanted to confessed makes her sick to her stomach because how fucking dare she believe she even has a chance? How foolish to even assume she could have Ted?

"Nothing like a good rest would fix" she had stated, hoping to ease his mind but her chuckle came out weak and sad.

"Okay uh, ill walk you to your apartment - I mean, flat, christ-"

"Its okay" she grab her bag "I can walk by myself"

"I don't think its safe-"

"I can handle myself"

"Still, you look a little pale and I can't have a gal like yo-"

"Fucking hell Ted!" She had yelled and the guilt settled on her stomach as soon as she did so.

Ted look at her like she wasn't her, like another person came on his flat with a face of a friend he adores and she wanted to laugh because how could she want to love him and care for him when she could barely be half of a kind person that he was?

"Just- fuck, I got it. I can handle myself just dont-" she sighed through her nose and looked down, she could feel the tears on her eyes and but none of them fell down.

"Just let me be, yeah? I'm not a fucking toddler you need to be coddle all the time"

There's a pause before Ted nods "Okay" his eyes were sad, sadder than anything she had ever saw and it would've break her heart if it weren't shattered before.

She looked at him silently, a second. She almost wanted to say it, say the words, just lay it all on the table and let Ted feast on the remnants of her broken heart and whatever is left. He'll take good care of it, she knows. That's a kind of man he is. Maybe even fix it together with some melted gold.

"Im sorry" Ted was the one who apologized even if she should be the first, it made her guts coil. "I didnt mean to upset you, I was just-just worried. I'm sorry"

She looked down and clenched her fist, dig her nails on her palm.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, I was being a dick and I have no excuse-"

"Youre tired and you're not feeling well, 's okay"

"Its not, Ted" she shook her head "I shouldn't have talk to you like that, you're my-" she swallowed "youre my friend, I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry"

Ted smile, sad and worried all at once. "Its okay, I forgive ya'"

He shouldn't be, atleast not this easily.

"Okay" she nod her head once before she turn to the door with trembling hands.

Ted appeared next to her and held the door open for her. "Be safe, sweetheart"

'Don't' she wanted to whisper but felt too tired to do so.

"Call me when you get home"

"Will do"

The ground was wet as she walked and the road felt much sadder than before, the cold night air beg her for warmth and instead of the heat of her flat her mind travel to the warmth of his hands, of his touch. Y/n briefly wonder how she came to be like this, how she love so fiercely like a beaten dog and dig claw marks on everything she ever love just to watch it be yank away from her as easily as her tears could fall.

[obislittleone]

Tw: suicidal thoughts (don't be alarmed I'm just venting)

I am so tired. I am so worn out. It doesn't matter what I say. It doesn't matter what I do. I have been financially and physically giving to Palestinians and Israelis who have been injured and were innocent victims through this war. The organization my family and I are working with has done so much to try and save lives. I have done all I can possibly do, but it's not enough. Those of you who drop in my dms or my asks to call me a 'genocidal colonizer' are so truly lost. I hope you all get help, because the amount of hate I've seen against not only myself but against literally every Jew I know is absolutely abominable. Don't say 'from the river from the sea' unless you know what it means, and if you say it, don't say it to a jew. You may hate Israel, and you may even think that all the people there deserve to die, but have you ever taken into consideration that the innocent Jews of either Israel or the rest of the world have nothing to do with their government or the mistreatment of Palestinians? Did you ever once think before you commented on a Jews post to 'wipe Israel off the face of the earth'? Chances are you did not. Chances are also that if you did, you probably just hate jews. Don't comment any bullshit on this post, I'll just remove it. I'm not here to fight anymore, I'm just here to say a few words, and give a perspective to those who think I'm some devil worshipping satanist just because I'm jewish.

These are the asks in my inbox on the daily:

Do you have any idea how this mentally affects a person? Do you even know how horrifying it is to know that so many people want you dead? I've had run ins with depression and suicidal attempts and thoughts my entire life, but never have I been this influenced by outer forces into thinking that I should be dead. Never once has anyone encouraged me to pull a trigger or off myself. Not until this has happened.

The comments and reblogs on posts about my best friend who lived in Israel, and her mother (who is arab, btw) that was killed in the October 7th attack are beyond wild. I can't even imagine how crazy it must be to live in the middle east as a jew. This is only a fraction of the hate that I experience in my day to day life, now.

The middle fingers I get from pissed off passersby at Walmart because I wear a star of david, or the slurs I get called because I told someone I had to leave an event early for Shabbat. It's all hatred, and it all sucks.

The violence, and the aggression that innocent jews are getting from random people who hate them. The little old man who stood on a street corner and held a sign in protest of Jewish hate that was killed today by a pro-hamas protestor. Its all too overwhelming. Why? Because even if you choose not to see it, or even if you condone it and think its 'not that bad', Jewish hate is getting dangerously close to what it was during the time of the holocaust. What's worse? It's being praised. Not just accepted, but encouraged. I posted on my instagram asking for prayers over my friend who's having to hide in a bomb shelter because of the war. The amount of comments saying 'just let her die' were astounding.

I have to ask you, where is your humanity? When jews can not only feel compassion but openly support Palestinians and try and give their services to save their innocent women and children from dying in the war, where is your compassion for innocent jews? Where is your willingness to feel an ounce of sadness for the loss of a life? Are you so hateful that you will condemn a teenage girl to die because of the violence her government commits? And if it happens, will you be so heartless that you will praise the notion that she is dead?

A common phrase used when I ask pro-hamas bloggers what their stance is on the beheading of children or the raping of women is, it usually comes out as: "well what do you think declonization looked like?"

I am always shocked. Every. Single. Time... why? Because I hope with every shred of naivete i have in me that people who have lost so much will understand the pain of those who are also losing so much. When you condemn one government for killing your children, and bringing a genocide upon Palestinians, why do you not also condemn the murdering of children and innocent Jews? Is it because 'that's not your team?' Is it because you want to win so badly that you don't care what the cost is? Do you think that turning into the thing that killed your people will make you a hero? The only thing I can possibly think of that would make a person respond that way is bloodlust. When you condemn an entire nation (including the innocent people) of killing your own, then turn around and do the same thing to their innocents, do you think you've proved something?

Whenever I address these things I'm usually met with the same stuff about how I'm a Jew so I'm biased and I don't get to have an opinion... but I don't think it's fair to say that to someone who's literally living with the repercussions that your hate is causing. Don't tell me to be quiet if you're spreading nazi rhetoric about jews and telling people to kill us.

Again, don't bring any bullshit on here. It will be deleted, and you will be blocked. I've spoken my piece. If anyone is interested in learning more about the organization I work with and donating to help Palestinian and Israeli families getting caught in the crossfire, please drop me a message, I'd be glad to give you more information.

[thewisaaaaad]

Hey so I was possesed by another vision.

Im so sorry. Have anemoia AU. Anemoia means "having nostalgia for a time you never experienced.

Also this one dives a little into horror, and I made an image to go with it so. be prepared for that.

my yappin below the Read More.

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Why had you tried to be rid of me? Had I done something wrong?

Oh. oh I must have. something horrible, and now I have done something so much worse! A fool such as myself has no business being ROYALTY! Oh no, this will not do at all! My lord, reduced to a groveling peasant!

But now you are free! Forgive your humble servant for the shoddy illusion of the cult I had left you in, I needed time to prepare your surprise! I meant no harm by it, and it was no prison. You could leave at any time!

And now you have! But oh, oh my Lord, you still look so upset! My deepest apologies and condolences, my lord!

But that foul mood will not last, if I have anything to say about it!

I know! I'll put on a show! Only the finest entertainment will do! The worst of the worst, tormented for eternity!

All for You! What a wonderful circus this will be! Such a wonderful show, indeed!

The price of admission? Oh no such thing, my lord! I would rather impale myself upon a sword or twelve! I offer a gift instead!

Your crown! Your wondrous, red crown, returned to its rightful place!

This body? oh, merely a puppet, my lord! My main body is setting up the big show. If you wish to rip it to shreds, such is your right!

But there is so much more to do, once you are done!

There are plenty of heretical souls to punish here with it, so many traitorous souls to cut down at your pleasure!

Ooh, ooh! There are refreshments, too! Fresh marrow to sup upon, and warm blood to slake your thirst!

And for the main events! Oh! Oh, how the bishops shall suffer for your amusement! Heheheh, I'm rather proud of those, myself!

First, we have Leshy! He of Havock, reduced to bird seed! I made hawks pluck at his eyehole as he remains chained to a rock! But not in the way normal birds of prey do, oh no. They pluck at the same nerve endings.

every. time.

A being who relishes in chaos such as he will surely die of BORDOM from such a fate! oh, but do not worry, my lord!

I WONT LET HIM LEAVE THAT EASILY.

Next up, we have that rotten toad, Heket! She gets the honor of standing in a river, with fruit dangling just overhead! But she never gets to taste either, oh no. The pears retreat, just beyond the reach of her grubby mits, whenever she dares to try and seize them.

And that frigid water that rushes past her legs? Why, her parched lips will never reach its surface! the spiked collar around her fragile neck will make sure of that.

SHE WILL FACE THE VERY FAMINE SHE ONCE RULED.

As for Kallamar. Well, lets just say that I was tempted to make him shove a boulder up a hill for eternity, but his weak noodle arms could barely push a small rock! It was so pitiful, I couldn't even stand it.

So I decided to play to his strengths.

A god of plague should be more than a match for his domain, right? Hehee! I thought so too, but his vomit seems to suggest otherwise! I have lined up a wonderful conga line of suffering for the cowardly squid, a beautiful set of symptoms that shall create a wonderful symphony of agony!

Ah, but I haven't left him defenseless! that would be no fun at all! I have left him a table of tools, a bouquet of medicine to try ant treat what ails him!

But every, SINGLE time he starts to recover to a mere cough...

I HAVE ANOTHER CRIPPLING ILLNESS WAITING IN THE WINGS!

And Shamura!

...ah, Shamura.

It was so hard to find a punishment that got a good reaction out of them. Every single form of torture, from boiling in oil, to being crushed under a lead cloak, they took all of it on the chin.

"Through this, I will repent" MY ASS!

But I figured out a hell that makes them squirm. Its so ingenious!

I simply employed the same punishment that they made YOU suffer through! Ehehee, with a slight twist, of course!

They get to watch their siblings SUFFER for all eternity! Hah, and they get to sit there, knowing, KNOWING that this is all their fault! AHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Oh don't look at me like that, you aren't part of their family! They forsake that honor the moment they thought to put you in chains!

...oh, and before you go enjoy the festivities, I wanted to tell you one last thing.

I will be hosting a show of my own! "The Comedy Of the Last Lamb!" oh, I have been working SO very hard on it! I do hope you enjoy it! The story will be a little... tweaked, from how it actually went. The new ending should fit your tastes MUCH better than how... It had gone.

I do hope you'll show up to see it!

You have a starring role in it, after all.

Please, enjoy yourself.

My lord.