#Its Freddy Got Fingered That Movie Fucking Rules

[mumpsetc]

Hey Harmie! <:) I was thinking and I wanted to ask, since y9u talk a little bit about the curious things you watch on here, what kind of movies/shows/various media do you like and/or would recommend? The only thing that I ask is for warnings on the stuff that you recommend in case they're on the more upsetting side ( ex: heavily gorey/dealing with heavily upsetting themes [ex: suicide])-

I'm Just Gonna Post a General Array of Stuff With No Theme or Coherency So Pick N Choose if You Want :]. I'll Try n CW Everything I Remember But if Something Sounds Esp Troubling Check It On Does the Dog Die

TOSSING EVERYTHING UNDER A READMORE SO I DON'T CLOG THE FUCKIN... Dash

It's Such a Beautiful Day (Upsetting Depiction of Mental Health, Could Possible Trigger Someone Whos Psychotic, Idk Watch This One When You're in a Good Spot)- An Animated Film By Don Hertzfeldt About a Man Named Bill and His Mental Decline

Tatami Galaxy - A Charming 13ish Episode Anime About a College Student Musing About the Variety of Ways He Could Achieve His "Rose Coloured Campus Life". Its Sorta an Anthology Where Every Episode is a Different Version of the Same Events Its Fun.

Funny Games (Extreme Violence, Home Invasion, Child Death) - This Movie is One of My All Time Favorites, Theres a 1997 and a 2007 Version, They're Both the Same Movie though Just With Different Actors and Languages So Pick if Youre In a Subtitle Mood or Not. DEFINITELY Check Doesthedogdie for This One If Youre Sensitive, Theres Something I'm 100% Forgetting

Melancholia (Death, Grief, Big Scary Planet) - Lars Von Trier Kinda Sucks But This Movie is His Best. It's About Two Sisters Struggling to Live Together After One Has an Episode and Also a Huge Planet is Going to Smash Directly Into Earth. A Really Strong Emotional Story.

Dogville (Lots of Tasteless Sexual Assault, Death, Extreme Classism) - Not Actually Sure If I'm Recommending This or Not I Just Think Its Important Sometimes to Watch a Very Artfully Made Movie That Fucking Sucks (I Like This Movie Also So Egg on My Face). Lars Von Trier is the Worst.

Ingrid Goes West (Suicide, Stalking) - One of the More Conventional Movies on Here, Ingrid Goes West is About a Woman Moving to California to Insert Herself Into the Life of an Influencer She's Obsessed With

Swing Girls - DELIGHTFUL Japanese Film About School Girls Starting an American Style Jazz Band. Feel Good Stuff All Around in This One.

We're All Going to the World's Fair (Grooming, Mental Decline) - One of the Most Accurate Depictions of Growing Up Online, This Movie is About a Teenager Named Casey Participating in an ARG.

Wasteland (Cults, Mental Decline) - This One is Free on Youtube, It is an Anthology About a Bunch of People Living In a Valley and The Lives They Lead. Its Hard to Explain This One But the Last Segment, the Final Exit of the Disciples of Ascensia, is One of the Most Lasting Things Ive Ever Seen

Drop-Out Comic (Suicide, Gender Dysphoria, Drug Use, Abuse) - A Free-to-Read Webcomic About Two Girlfriends Driving to the Grand Canyon to Kill Themselves. I'm Gonna Recc This One the Hardest Its Phenomenal, Though Chunks are Currently Down/Being Rewritten But Those Don't Change the Story Much

Sooo Yeah I Hope You Have Fun :] Don't Feel Like You Do or Dont Have to Watch Any of This I Was Just Kinda Spitballing, Sorry if This is a Downer List I Was Typing This Up and Halfway Thru Realized I Had 2.5 Feel Good Picks

[madwomansapologist]

Please make more chapters for you look like you've seen a ghost I'm dying for more. It's too good to just be a one shot 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

you look like you've seen a ghost | Part 2

Masterlist | Rules | Taglist | Library | First Part | AO3

synopsis: You love the ability to see colors, but you love your boyfriends more.

warnings: soulmate!au. slasher themes. fluff. estabilished relationship. just a peace of their future.

note: your wish is my command. I hope you like it!

You're obsessed with TV. Not with horror movies, or movies in general, or any kind of sitcom. You're obsessed with TV. The device. How can a metal tub display so many images? How something can be aired by a TV channel and make half way through the world until your home? And if you press a buton... it changes. It just changes.

Don't matter how much science evolves, somethings are better when explained by magic. Just like lightning. There was a time when people would tell stories about Zeus to a kid who questioned why it's lightning, and now, because of science, people have to admit that they don't fucking know.

But you don't really care about how a TV works. What you really care, the reason for you to spend so much time in front of it, its the colors. Oh, the colors. Before you started seeing them, you convinced yourself that they weren't that big of a deal. People were exagerating. But they weren't.

Northem lights. Emeralds. The starry sky. Monarchy butterfly. Blur view in front of a traffic light. Pomegranates. Sparks flying. Fireworks. Red lipstick. Vincent van Gogh.

It took you some time to understand that your reality changed, your favorite movie turned into your life, and for a time it was scary as hell. But then you meet them. You saw colors. And maybe, just maybe, that was the universe being generous. Because to let you see all those things, feel all that love, can only be an act of compassion.

"You look like a child", Stu threw himself on the sofa, making you bounce. "What's so excited about Clueless? That's the millionth time you watch it."

"Everything about Clueless is perfect", you yawned. Straightening your posture, you rubbed your eyes. You haven't blinked in a while. "It's so colorful."

You thought Stu would laugh, but he didn't. "I'm rewatching every Nightmare on Elm Street because I love the red tone of Freddy's blouse."

"Seven movies?" Stu agreed. "You don't have time to watch a single episode of Kenan & Kel with me, but have time to rewatch seven movies?"

Stu pulled you closer, almost causing you to drop the popcorn on the floor. It still surprises you how strong he really is. He slipped his fingers inside your shirt, icy fingers ruffling your hips. Stu tried to kiss you, but you stuffed your mouth with popcorn.

"Oh... That's how it is then? Ok." Stu filled his hand with popcorn stuffed it on his mouth. He chewed a bit before saying something that sounded almost like: "This is a game for two."

Before you could react, Stu kissed you. It was the most disgusting thing that have ever happened to you. Drooling popcorn fall out of both of your mouths because it was impossible to not laugh. You coughed, choking on a grain, and all the excess popcorn flew right into his face.

"Can someone remind me why i'm with you two?"

It was Billy who was speaking, but that wasn't his voice. As you turned toward the door, Ghostface was leaning against the frame. Your heart nearly jumped out of your chest at the sight of blood glistening on the black fabric.

"Fate", that probably was what Stu were trying to say. He laughed, and coughed the rest of popcorn on his mouth into the plastic bucket. "Luck. Chance."

"Are you okay?" You were trying to be serious, but the popcorn got in your way. "Someone hurted you?"

Billy threw the voice modulator away, and walked towards you in silence. You had already swallowed the rest of the popcorn when he bent down to your height. Billy braced his hands on the couch, each on either side of your head, and you could picture him smirking inside that fantasy.

"Don't I look fine, my love?" You could smell the blood. Billy carressed your cheek with his gloved hand, his thumb bumped into your lips. You kissed it. "Do you think someone can hurt me?"

"I can!" Stu shouted.

"Shut up, Shaggy." You snapped. Looking back to Billy, you pouted. "You're late."

Billy carressed you bottom lip a last time before moving away from you both. "Clueless? Again?" Billy took the mask off. He was fine. Billy was safe and sound. "You will never get tired of it?"

"It's colorfull", Stu explained, filling more popcorn on his mouth. When he realized why it was wet, he spat and put the bucket on the floor.

"Do you have room for me there?" Billy pointed to the couch.

"Of course we do", Stu took the control without you noticing. "Movie marathon? I vote on Hannibal."

"I hate that I'll have to wait until 2005 to watch Pride & Prejudice", you complained. You noticed Billy taking the fantasy off. "You better take a shower. You won't stain my couch."

"We'll see about that."

GENERAL TAGLIST: @suakemi @notanalienindisguiseblink

if you enjoyed, please reblog! i promise it makes a difference ♡

@ madwomansapologist.tumblr.

[glass--beach]

hey I'm high as fuck i wanna chill out watch a movie

do you have a go to chill out fun time cool fun movie like oh fuck took an edible time to watch interstella 5555 (2003) again

in all honesty 90% of the time if i get high and need to watch a movie im putting on freddy got fingered which is the worst vibe ever. the other night i got high and put on the hulk (2003) i am like incapable of watching actually good movies while stoned so i’m the worst person to ask for recommendations. wait actually watch Our Drawings (Princess Movie) that unironically rules. its not a good movie either thiugh sorry. youre better off watching the daft punk movie

[just-my-sickly-pride]

Deep End || Roger Taylor x fem!Reader

summary || a week ago, roger asked you to be his friends-with-benefits. you invite him over to tell him your decision. things escalate, of course. modern day au. college au.

rating || explicit (18+). do not read if you are under eighteen. sub!roger, soft dom!reader, orgasm denial.

word count || 6.8k.

author’s notes || and here’s the next instalment in the try series! this one is set after ‘ask nicely’. i know, a lot of roger, but there’s more brian on its way too. if you haven’t read any other parts, it’s fine, this can be read on its own, if you don’t mind being a lil confused about certain details and conversations. there is mentioning of brian x reader. and i finally remembered to add on my tag list!

tag list || @drowseoftaylor​ @mrs-jack-murphy​ @bellas2silly​ @delilahmay39​

masterlist

     It had been one week since Roger’s drunken confession that he wanted a friends-with-benefits arrangement with you. It had been five days since he’d pulled you aside one day at uni and apologised for how he’d gone about it, then asked you again if you’d be interested, far more sheepishly than the first time.

    You’d told him you had to think about it some more, and he’d accepted it.

    And you’d been thinking about it a lot. More than you should have been, considering how uni was kicking your butt well and truly recently.

    You wanted to talk about it with Veronica, but then it’d become a whole thing, and you didn’t really want her to know. Same with Freddie and John.

    But maybe there was one person you could talk about it with.

    “Can I talk to you about something?” you asked Brian as the two of you walked to your lecture. You didn’t look at him, just kept staring straight ahead.

    “Always,” Brian said.

    “It’s about Roger.”

    “What about him?”

    You took a breath. “Um.” You hesitated, and then guided Brian out of the main traffic, off to the side. “Do you remember, last week, that party we went to?” you asked him a low voice.

    Brian nodded, leaning in closer to hear you better. “Mm.”

    “And Roger was drunk off his face?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Well, he told he that he… he wanted to do a friends-with-benefits thing with me. Same as I have with you.”

    Brian snorted. “Course he did.”

    You frowned. “What’s that meant to mean?”

    “I just mean, of course he’d want the chance to sleep with you all the time. Can’t exactly blame him. You had me hook, line, and sinker after just making out with me one time.”

    “Oh.” You tried to hide your smile, tucking your hair behind your ear. “Well, um, he brought it up with me again a couple days ago. I just don’t know what to do.”

    “What?” Brian said, screwing up his nose. “Say no. Roger can sleep with whoever he wants.”

    “But maybe I want it, too.”

    “Well, do you?”

    You sighed. “I don’t know.”

    Brian cocked his head to the side. “That doesn’t sound all too enthusiastic.”

    “Like, I’d want to sleep with him again,” you said. “And again again. And again again again. And–”

    “Fuck, all right,” Brian cut in. “I get it, you enjoyed yourself.”

    “I did,” you said. “But I just don’t know if – y’know, he could handle it without getting… emotionally involved.”

    “I don’t think that’d be an issue for him,” Brian said wryly. “He seems fine with sleeping around.”

    “But sleeping with one person multiple times?”

    Brian hesitated. “Look, if I can do it, of all people, he can surely do it. And if you make the rules nice and clear, I’m sure it’ll be fine. If you really want to go for it, then go for it. Just as long as I still get you, too.”

    You rolled your eyes at him. “Yes, you’ll still get me. Dick.”

    Brian laughed. The two of you resumed walking to class.

    “Why don’t you go fuck someone else for a change, huh?” you said, nudging him with your elbow. “Maybe take a nice girl out to the movies? Finger her in the back row of the cinema?”

    “Eugh,” Brian said. “No. I don’t know why on Earth anyone would have sex at the cinema. It’s way too weird for me.”

    You sniggered. “Of all the things that are too weird for you, Brian.”

    “I don’t care. I’m not fingering anyone at the cinema,” he said pointedly.

    “I wasn’t saying I wanted you to finger me at the cinema.”

    “I know.” Brian gave you an elfish grin. “The back row of the lecture hall, though…”

    You scoffed. “In your dreams.”

    “I have dreamt about it, yes.”

    “No fucking at uni, remember? A solid ‘Nickleback’ on fingering in class, thanks.”

    Brian made a disappointed face.

    You clicked your tongue at him, rolling your eyes, and he laughed.

    can we talk? come to mine this afternoon.

    It took almost an hour for Roger to reply.

    I finish at 3, see u then.

    “Roger’s coming over just after three,” you said to your roommate Lucy as she picked at her leftover curry.

    “That’s fine,” she said, moving the chicken around with her fork. “I’ll be heading out around four, maybe a little earlier. I’m meeting the girls for a catch-up.”

    “Sounds fun,” you said with a smile. The kettle finished boiling, and you poured your tea. “Will you be out late?”

    Lucy shook her head. “We’re just doing afternoon tea. Be home before dinner.”

    “Great,” you said.

    Lucy shot you a smile, shoved a mouthful of curry into her mouth, and disappeared out of the kitchen.

     “I brought snacks,” Roger said, holding out a packet of corn chips and salsa when you opened the door at twenty past three.

    “Hello,” you said, and took the snacks. “Thanks, you didn’t have to.”

    “It was on the way.”

     You stepped aside, and Roger entered. He stood in the living room as if he’d never been there before, gripping the shoulder strap of his messenger bag with both hands, watching you with wide eyes.

    “You look like you’re about to head off to your first day of school,” you said with a chuckle. “Go sit down, you’re making me nervous.”

    Roger did as he was told, taking off his bag and setting it down at his feet, sitting down on the couch. You sat down beside him, opening up the chips and dip and taking a bite.

    Roger did not take a bite. “What did you want to talk about?”

    “The–” You made sure to finish your mouthful. “The thing. That we talked about a few days ago.”

    Roger nodded. He’d known, clearly. “Is, er, Lucy still here?”

    “Mm, she’s in her room,” you said.

    Roger seemed to deflate. “Oh. Yeah, cool.”

    You didn’t miss it. “What?”

    He looked at you in confusion. “What?”

    “What’s wrong?”

    “Nothing,” Roger said. “I completely understand. It’s totally fine, I won’t bring it up again. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

    “Huh?”

    “The…” Roger dropped his voice to a whisper. “The friends-with-benefits thing. It’s all right.”

    You shook your head. “No, Rog, I’m here to tell you that I want to try it.”

    Roger stopped. He opened and closed his mouth a few times. “Uh, what?”

    “I wanna have sex with you,” you said. “On a semi-regular basis.”

    Roger’s eyes lit up. “You do?”

    “Yeah, dude.”

    “I just thought – with Lucy here��”

    “I don’t wanna have sex now,” you said with a snort. “It doesn’t have to, y’know, kick off with a bang or anything. There’s a bit to talk about first.”

    “Like what?”

    So you laid out the rules. The check-ins were the main thing. Honesty and complete emotional transparency was of utmost importance, no matter how awkward and horribly vulnerable it was. You couldn’t back out of a check-in – either person could ask for one at any time, and a response was required from both people. No fucking at uni, no getting romantic, no dates. The whole thing could be called off whenever by either party, no questions asked. Sleeping with other people was on the cards. If someone started getting romantically involved with a person outside of the arrangement, then the arrangement was off.

    Roger listened intently, nodding. You could see it dawning on him how serious you were about all the rules you were listing, but if it scared him off, you didn’t care.

    When you eventually finished, you said to him, “That’s about it. Is there anything you wanted to ask me?”

    Roger blinked. “Uh. No, I don’t think so. Apart from, uh, how often do you wanna… meet up?”

    You shrugged. “We can feel it out. When are you free?”

    “Whenever,” Roger said, and the word fell out of his mouth like it had tripped and stumbled.

    You grinned. “Bit eager.”

    Roger’s cheeks went pink. “I meant, like, y’know.” He shrugged. “Whenever. I’m chill.”

    “No, it’s sweet,” you said reassuringly. “What about on Friday night? Although you probably have plans, knowing you.”

    “Not really,” Roger said. “I usually just go out with the boys, but it’s not important. I’d much prefer…” He ducked his gaze, and laughed at himself. He ran his hand through his hair. “I can’t believe–” He shook his head, and sighed, lifted his head, and stared you right in the eye. “I don’t know how you turn me into a mess like this. Fuck you.”

    You laughed. “I’m not trying to, I promise.”

    “I know. That makes it even worse.” He scoffed. “‘Sweet’. I’m not sweet. I’m hot as fuck. I’m – I’m fuckin’…” He floundered. “I’m hot shit. I’m a bad – bitch.”

    You burst out laughing. “You’re a bad bitch?”

    “Yeah!” Roger exclaimed, doubling down. “All the women fuckin’ fall at my feet. I’m so good at chatting people up. Two minutes – bam! That’s all it takes.”

    “God, Rog, stop,” you said, trying to catch your breath. “Ah, my stomach hurts.”

    “Tell me I’m wrong, though.”

    “You’re wrong.”

    Roger gaped. “You – I’m not!”

    You gave him a bewildered look. “I can’t even tell if you’re joking or not.”

    “First time I got a girl to call me Daddy and I nailed it,” Roger boasted. “You were begging for me.”

    You shushed him, slapping him on the arm.

    “Ow,” he said in a small voice.

    “Lucy’s in her room,” you reminded him in a hiss.

    “Sorry,” Roger said, rubbing his arm to soothe it.

    “Sorry, I shouldn’t have hit you, I wasn’t thinking,” you said, and kissed your fingers, then lightly pressed your fingers to where you’d hit him.

    He pouted. “Thank you.”

    “Do you want to go to my room?” you suggested. “I think Lucy’s leaving soon, she’s heading out.”

    Roger checked his phone. “Yeah, all right,” he said, “I can stay for a bit.”

    You should’ve known. You didn’t know how it hadn’t occurred to you what would end up happening, but it hadn’t.

    You and Roger lasted about ten whole minutes alone in your room before you were making out on your bed.

    His kisses were just as gentle as the first time, but you allowed yourself to enjoy it, not eager to rush into anything else, happy to just stay mildly turned on. You noticed his fingers would occasionally drum out a rhythm on your hip or your thigh as you kissed, his mind disappearing somewhere else before he brought it back. You liked it, liked being able to know what he was thinking, where his mind was.

    Your top ended up on the floor before too long, beside Roger’s, and you straddled Roger’s waist. His hands felt heavenly smoothing up your back, and you shivered. He kissed your throat and your collarbones, and you closed your eyes, enjoying the feeling of it, combing your hand through his hair absentmindedly.

    “I can’t believe you said yes,” Roger murmured against your skin. After almost twenty minutes of silence between you two, his voice almost made you jump.

    You smiled. “Can’t believe it? Why not?”

    Roger pressed another kiss to the hollow of your throat, and then leant back, tilting his head up to look at you, and you met his eyes. “I mean, it was a big ask,” he said. “You didn’t have to say yes. I imagine the whole thing with Brian keeps you busy enough.”

    “I said yes because I wanted to,” you said. “Because you made me feel really good, and I want to explore more with you. And I trust you.”

    “And I’m a bad bitch you couldn’t resist?”

    You giggled. “No. You are hot as fuck, I’ll give you that, but you are not a bad bitch by any stretch of the imagination.”

    “You’re so cruel.”

    You laughed again.

    Lucy’s bedroom door opened, and your head snapped towards the noise.

    “What?” Roger whispered.

    “I think Lucy’s leaving,” you murmured. You heard keys jangling, then the front door opening, and closing again.

    You waited a few seconds longer to see if she came back in again, if she’d forgotten something, but it seemed like you were in the clear.

    “Thank Christ,” you sighed, and took Roger’s face in your hands, kissing him fiercely.

    Roger’s fingers tightened on your waist, and he kissed you back, but when you pulled away for a moment he said, “What?”

    “Lucy’s gone,” you said. “I know I said we weren’t going to fuck today, but you’re really good at making out.”

    “I – I need to check the time,” Roger said regretfully, and disappointment sank in your stomach.

    “Oh, right, yeah, sorry,” you said, and climbed off him.

    You sat on your bed, chewing your lip, as Roger bobbed down to fish his phone out of his backpack. You let your eyes trail over his body, over his bare torso and jean-clad legs. He had a nice bum, small and perky, which suited his personality, really. You wanted to lean over and give it a smack, just to see how he’d react. Maybe not just yet.

    He had a really nice back, you thought. He was a drummer, and you could tell in the way the muscles moved under the skin of his back, the roundness of his shoulders, the strength in his arms. His stomach was soft – he was fit enough, but he clearly wasn’t interested in putting in the time to get abs.

    You didn’t care. You liked it.

    He raked his hair away from his face as he typed a response to a message. It was getting shaggy, falling in his face half the time. You liked that, too.

    He dropped his phone and stood up, turning towards you. “I think I can stay for a bit longer.”

    “Lucky me,” you said, reaching for him. He crawled over to you, and kissed you.

    You shoved a hand through his hair, roughly, feeling how long it was getting, and gave it a sharp tug. Roger made a soft sound, and you felt him melt against you.

    You pushed him onto his back and held yourself above him. “You like getting your hair pulled?” you asked with a grin. You reached underneath his head and tugged it again.

    Roger gasped. “Mm, yeah, might do a bit,” he said breathlessly.

    You chuckled, and kissed him again. You pulled his hair, harder than before, and he twitched.

    You broke apart. “Sorry, too hard?”

    Roger whimpered slightly, and shook his head.

    Your eyebrows shot up. “No? I pulled pretty hard.”

    “You can pull harder.”

    So you did. You pulled, snapping his head back, and you held him there, watching his eyes go wide, and he whined. “Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.”

    You finally let him go, and he was gasping for breath. “You can keep going,” he said. “I’ll tell you if it’s too much.”

    You shook your head disbelievingly. “Greedy.” You kissed him deeply, making a tight fist in his hair, just hard enough to tease him, and you could tell how needy he was starting to get by the way he gripped your hips.

    You kissed along his jaw.

    “More,” he said. “You can give me more.”

    “I’ll give you more when I feel like it,” you said casually.

    He made a sound in protest, and it was then it clicked that the previous roles you’d adopted last time you’d slept together were quickly reversing.

    You let his hair go, and he whined. Your stomach clenched. Fuck, that was a good sound. You wanted to hear more of it.

    You sat up, on his waist. “Rog?”

    He looked up at you. “Mm?”

    “I think today’s gonna be different from last time.”

    He nodded. “I think so too.”

    “What do you wanna do? Where do you see it going?”

    He looked away, flustered. “We don’t have to… talk about it.”

    “I just want to make sure.” You paused. “I think… I’m gonna be in charge today. How’s that sound?”

    Roger looked back to you, and you could see the hunger in his eyes. He nodded. “Yeah, I – I like that. I’d like that.”

    “And,” you continued, shimmying down Roger’s legs to go for his belt, “you’re going to do as you’re told. Understood?”

    “Yes ma’am,” he said, and then he flushed scarlet. “Sorry. I mean, um, yes.”

    “No, it’s okay, you can call me that, if you’d like to,” you said. You finished unbuckling his belt, and undid his jeans, unzipping the fly. “I’m all right with that. Do you wanna call me that?”

    “Yes ma’am.”

    “Sounds like you’re gonna be a real good boy for me, huh?”

    “Maybe.”

    You paused, blinking at him. “Oh? Maybe?”

    Roger grinned cheekily. “Maybe.”

    “Maybe who?”

    “Maybe, ma’am.”

    “Hm,” you said in thought. You climbed off him. “Jeans off.”

    He took them off.

    “Lie down.”

    He did.

    You stood up, and took your jeans off, slowly, unhurried. If you made a bit of a show of it, arching your back a little and sliding the jeans down your thighs, that was your business.

    When you looked back to Roger, he was practically drooling where he lay, his eyes fixated on you with laser focus.

    “You good?” you joked, tossing your jeans aside.

    “Oh yeah,” Roger said emphatically, nodding, making you laugh. He bit his bottom lip, his eyes sweeping up and down your body. “God, you’re fucking hot.”

    You glanced down at yourself instinctively. You were just wearing your everyday bra, a comfy pair of underwear. Nothing as racy as what you’d worn the first time you and Roger had slept together.

    Roger clearly didn’t care.

    You tried not to preen from the compliment. Yeah, you knew you were hot. But a reminder was always nice.

    You climbed back on the bed, settling on your knees on top of Roger’s hips, grinding yourself a little against him, making his eyelashes flutter, his hands gripping your thighs.

    You smiled, cocking your head to one side, thinking. “Hm,” you said. “What to do with you?”

    Roger just waited patiently, his face open, his breath coming in short bursts.

    You leant down and brushed your lips against his, just barely, and he chased the kiss, whining softly. You smiled, and instead started kissing his neck. His hands stroked up and down your back, lightly, and you began grinding against him a little more. The friction felt so good, the drag of your underwear on your clit, that you sat up again to find a better angle, grinding harder. Roger gasped, and you could feel him rapidly hardening underneath you, but you ignored it, ignored him, focused only on finding a rhythm that made you feel warm, made your blood feel electric.

    You were breathing heavily, your head bowed, bracing yourself on Roger’s chest, and Roger was squirming.

    “Ma’am,” he pleaded, his hands coming to your waist to try to still you. “Please, I can’t–”

    You grabbed his wrists and pinned them beside his head, and rolled your hips, hard and slow, making him whine.

    “What’s the matter, Rog?” you asked, a touch breathlessly. “You don’t like that I’m not giving you attention?”

    Roger struggled against your hold on him. “I–”

    “I was enjoying myself, Roger. I don’t like that you interrupted me.”

    Roger stopped struggling.

    You kissed him, hard, and then broke away to whisper in his ear, “You’re going to watch me for a bit, okay? Just watching.” Just for a bit. Some light teasing, then you’d let him touch you.

    You pushed yourself away from him, climbing off him, leaving him cold. He looked at you like you’d just kicked his pet dog. “No!”

    “Sit up,” you said. “Move back.”

    “Let me eat you out,” Roger pleaded, but doing as he was told, getting up and shifting back, sitting back on his heels. “I want to, please? Let me taste you. I’ll make you come at least twice, I won’t stop until I do. As many times as you want. Please.”

    You took off your underwear and bra, settling comfortably, leaning back on one hand, your legs sprawled out in front of you, and Roger made a helpless, desperate sound.

    You ran your fingertips over your skin, over the swell of your breasts, over your inner thighs, just teasing yourself, and Roger sobbed, his fists twisting in the sheets.

    “Ma’am, please, please, let me touch you, I need to, please.”

    “You’re so needy,” you said with a grin.

    Roger nodded, all dignity out the window.

    You started touching yourself, humming in pleasure at the familiar feeling of your own fingers. “Look at you,” you said, drinking in the sight of Roger, gazing at you hopelessly, pleadingly, his body flushed, his underwear tented, a dark spot staining the material. “So hard for me already.”

    Roger palmed at himself, and you said, “Nuh-uh. No touching.”

    “You didn’t say I couldn’t touch myself,” he protested, stilling his hand on his cock.

    “I know,” you said, and your breath caught, your back arching, as you slipped a finger into yourself. “But – but I’m telling you now.”

    Roger groaned, but forced his hand back onto the bed. His eyes zeroed in on your hand, and your finger, where it was disappearing inside you.

    You sighed, letting your head fall back and your eyes close. “Feels so good, Rog.”

    You pushed in a second finger beside the first, pumping them leisurely, every so often taking a break to play with your clit. Roger kept making small noises of desperation, whines and sobs, his breath trembling.

    “Maybe I’ll just make myself come like this,” you mused. You lifted your head again to look at Roger. He looked like was about to explode. Or die from the stress of it all. His knuckles were white, his arms and shoulders tensed, his mouth hanging open.

    Your hips bucked slightly against your hand. It was a good look on him. Really good.

    “What do you think, Rog?” you panted. You could feel yourself getting closer. “What if I just made myself come while you watched, and then sent you home?”

    Roger’s eyes snapped to yours. “No, no, no, please, no,” he ground out. “Please, I’ll be so good for you, you can do whatever you want to me, I want you so bad. You look so good, you’re–” He swallowed. “You’re so wet. I – I can hear how wet you are.”

    Your breath hitched, your hips jerking again. “You want to feel it for yourself, do you?”

    “Yes,” Roger whined. “Please, I – I wanna… I…”

    At this point, you had a feeling you were actually going to come on your own fingers. Roger’s voice, his face, his whole body and the way it was coiled like the tightest spring, it was all turning you on so much. So much for ‘light teasing’.

    You moaned. “Shit.”

    “You can do whatever you want to me,” Roger said again. “You can hit me, you can slap me, bite me, I don’t care, make me bleed, I’ll take it, I’ll take it so well, I’ll be so thankful, I’ll be good for you, just use me, anything, I– fuck, you look so good, please, ma’am, please.”

    “Fuck, Rog,” you said, unable to believe the filthy things pouring from his mouth.

    You were so close, way closer than you thought you would be, and Roger looked almost on the verge of tears.

    “Please,” he whined. “Please, I can’t, I need you, I need you.”

    That was the final tipping point. You came, gasping, your hips bucking against your hand.

    Your fingers circled your clit slowly as you came down from your orgasm. You looked to Roger. He looked broken, staring at your fingers, and you felt your core pulsing with the last few aftershocks.

    Roger moaned at the sight.

    You jumped when your fingers brushed over your clit, sensitive, and you removed your hand with a sigh.

    Roger’s eyes flicked to your hand, your fingers glistening with your juice.

    You decided to take pity on him. “Clean me up?” you said, holding out your hand.

    He looked to your face, checking to see if you were joking, just being cruel.

    “Taste me, Rog,” you said.

    Roger couldn’t get over to your fast enough, licking your fingers into his mouth, his hands curling around your wrist. He took your fingers in all the way to the knuckle, groaning at the taste, his tongue dragging over the pads of your fingers.

    “Good boy,” you said. He was still shaking, and the dark spot on his underwear had grown considerably since you’d last checked.

    You slowly pulled your fingers from his mouth, and he whined, but you only went so far, and then you pushed them in again, and he accepted them gladly. His lips looked wet and pink and gorgeous around your fingers, his whole body warm.

    You adjusted, sitting up, your other hand smoothing over his thigh, making him moan, as you continued to lazily fuck his mouth with your fingers. His long eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, his tongue earnestly swirling around your fingers every time you pushed them back into his mouth. He sighed, whimpering, and you licked your lips.

    “So well-behaved,” you murmured. “You look so pretty like this, Rog.”

    Roger tensed, his fingers tightening around your wrist, and he shifted, urging you to fuck his mouth deeper.

    “Oh, poor baby,” you cooed, smiling in amusement. “You’re so desperate you’ll take anything, huh? Doesn’t even matter if I’m not touching your cock.”

    Roger shivered, his hips twitching against thin air.

    You pulled your hand back, much to his despair, and you wiped your fingers on the sheets. “Normally I’d get you to use your mouth, to stretch me out for you,” you said, “but I think I’ve covered that just fine myself.”

    Roger watched you carefully, his blue eyes so full of hope yet so worried at the same time. “What… What does that mean, ma’am?”

    You cupped his cheek, and he leant into it, making a soft sound. “It means I want you to fuck me.”

    Roger’s eyes lit up. “What? Really? I can?”

    “If you ask nicely.”

    “Please can I fuck you, ma’am? Please?”

    You smiled. “Sounds good to me.”

    Roger’s beaming smile was blinding, and you couldn’t help but draw him in for a kiss. He made a happy sound against your lips, and you pulled away briefly to reposition yourself, your head on your pillows.

    Roger pounced on you, kissing you deeply, hungrily, harder than he’d ever kissed you before. You gave his hair a tug, and his hips jerked against yours, the first solid stimulation he’d received in almost the entire time. You gasped at the friction, and he immediately broke away to press his forehead against your shoulder, letting out the most guttural, broken moan, overwhelmed by how good it felt and desperately trying to stop himself from doing it again, to not come early. You could see the muscles in his back and shoulders tense like before, and they looked absolutely gorgeous.

    Roger panted against your skin. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “Didn’t mean to.”

    “That’s okay, honey, you did such a good job stopping yourself,” you assured him, stroking your fingers through his hair. “You’re doing so well. I’m so proud. But it’s okay, I want you to fuck me. Take off your underwear for me?”

    Roger did so. He was so hard that it looked like it hurt. He must have wanted to scream.

    “Lube and condoms are in that drawer there,” you said, pointing to your bedside table.

    Roger’s hands were trembling as he fetched them, and he hissed as he rolled the condom on himself and drizzled lube onto his hand, dragging it up and down his cock as lightly as he could, pressing his lips together to muffle his whimpers.

    You reached for him, and he moved over to you without question, kissing you. “I can’t wait to be inside you,” he whispered against your lips. “I’m so lucky, ma’am, thank you.” He kissed you again.

    You were so surprised by what he’d said that you had no idea how to respond. You hoped he couldn’t tell how flustered you were.

    He kissed your neck. “Now?” he said in between kisses. “Now, ma’am, can I now?”

    “Yes, Rog,” you said, and he reached down to line himself up with your entrance. He started sliding into you, and you could see the way his breath stuttered. His head rested in the crook of your neck, and you hooked your legs over his hips. The slight ache felt good, familiar, and you stroked his back soothingly.

    He sobbed against you. “I…”

    “It’s all right, honey, you’re doing so well.”

    “You feel so good.”

    “You okay?”

    Roger took a shuddering breath, and then lifted himself up on all fours above you, his eyes slightly damp. “Y-yeah,” he said shakily with a small laugh. “Just… you do feel really good.”

    “Oh, hon,” you said with a small laugh in return, caressing his cheek.

    Roger’s brow creased, and then he thrust into you the rest of the way. Your breath caught, and he moaned. “Fucking hell.”

    You nudged him with your heels. “I’m good, I’m good.”

    “I’m not,” Roger said, then added a quick, ma’am, just to be safe. “Just… give me a moment.”

    “I don’t mind if you don’t last long,” you said. “I’ve already come.”

    “You made yourself come,” Roger said. “I want to do it. Please.”

    “Well, what am I gonna do,” you chuckled, “say no to that?”

    Roger smiled weakly, and kissed you once, then readjusted his position slightly, and pulled out a touch, then thrust back into you.

    “Oh, yes, Roger,” you sighed.

    Roger kept it slow at first, his arms still shaking as he drove into you again and again, and it was incredible, the way you could feel the drag of his cock in and out of you. You made sure to keep up the praise every now and again, just reminding Roger that he was doing such a good job and that he was such a good boy, especially when he started fucking you faster, and every time you did, he whimpered, and the sound went straight to your core. You could tell how intently he was focusing on not coming before you did, and it honestly blew your mind how he was able to do it. He had to pause a couple times to catch himself, and he mumbled apologies and kissed your throat and your lips so sweetly each time before he had calmed himself enough to begin fucking you again.

    You would’ve let him fuck you all day like this. He was being so good, so thoughtful and gentle and focused. You’d never seen Roger like this before, but you loved it. He was your good boy, your good boy who made such pretty noises and fucked you so well, who was so receptive to praise, who looked like he’d been blessed by God himself when you so much as touched his hair.

    “Fuck,” you hissed when Roger hit the right spot again, “just like that, yes.”

    Roger whined, hips snapping against you, hitting the spot again. “Shit, you feel so good,” he moaned. His rhythm stuttered, and he had to stop again, whining, pressing his forehead against your collarbones. “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m sorry,” he panted, dropping a kiss to your skin. “You just feel so good, I can’t…”

    “You’re doing such a wonderful job,” you said, combing your hands through his sweaty, tangled hair. “You’re so close to coming, huh?”

    Roger nodded. “I – I was close when I first went inside you,” he confessed. “This is… I’m…”

    “I’m not stopping you from coming, honey,” you said. “I don’t mind.”

    Roger lifted his head, kissing your lips briefly, and shook his head. “Don’t wanna,” he said. “Not till you do.” He took a breath. “Are you–?”

    You bit your lip, not wanting to disappoint him, but: “Not really, honey. You’re doing so well, it feels so good, but I just need more to actually get there.”

    Roger nodded, his eyes growing determined.

    “Rog, you don’t–”

    “No, I can do it.” He kissed you again, then shifted, taking your ankle and resting it on his shoulder. Your leg was bent at the knee, and there was no way in hell you were going to be able to straighten it. You hoped he wasn’t planning on leaning too far forward, unless he wanted to tear your hamstring.

    “I don’t know if I’m that flexible, Roger,” you said with a laugh.

    “Please, ma’am,” Roger pleaded, and, well, you had to at least give it a try.

    You nodded. “Okay, sweetheart, we’ll give it a go.”

    Roger made sure your ankle was firmly in place, and then balanced himself on one hand, his other hand reaching between you, circling your clit. You sucked in a breath, your back arching.

    Roger started fucking you again, slowly once more, while playing with your clit, and the combination of his fingers, with you feeling every ridge and vein on his cock, with your leg at a new angle, sent your mind into a frenzy.

    “Oh,” you blurted, your eyes going wide, your fingers gripping the sheets beside you. “Oh, Jesus.”

    Every time you clenched around Roger, he made a muffled whimpering sound, but he kept going, his jaw clenched.

    You used your hand to keep your leg in place, because this felt good, and you did not want your leg to fall from Roger’s shoulder. You moaned helplessly. “Roger, God, fuck.”

    Roger said nothing, concentrating too hard on his task. The familiar coil began tightening in your belly.

    “Keep going, keep going,” you urged him breathlessly. “Ah, fuck, fuck.”

    Roger started driving into your harder, and your leg slipped from his shoulder onto the bed, but it didn’t matter, because Roger’s fingers were making fucking magic.

     The only obvious tell-tale that he was doing everything he could to stave off his own orgasm was the way he whined, “Please, please,” almost in a chant. His hips jerked off rhythm again, and he groaned deeply, but kept fucking you.

    “I’m so close,” you told him. “So close, Rog, come on.”

    He sobbed, his fingers working even harder. “Please.”

    The coil was tightening more and more, and you cried out. “That’s it, come on, fuck, so – ah – so close.”

    Roger was shaking with the effort, and you genuinely believed for a moment that he was about to come before you, but then he fucked into you just right, hitting that spot, and you completely came undone, crying out, your whole body shaking with the force of it. Feeling you coming around him, Roger followed immediately, hips ramming into yours, face buried in your neck, a loud, desperate sob punching from him, and he must have come hard, because he kept gasping out, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” his body convulsing as he curled around you.

    Then it was quiet, apart from the sound of heavy breathing. Your aftershocks rippled through you still, slowly fading, and Roger twitched slightly every time they did.

    “Oh my God,” you said to the ceiling.

    Roger finally slumped against you, unable to hold himself up any longer, and, although it winded you and you were both far too sweaty, you didn’t mind.

    “Jesus Christ, Roger,” you said, combing through his hair again.

    He moaned pathetically.

    “You all right?”

    He let out a small whimper, but nodded. “Just gimme a sec.”

    You laughed, and patted his back. “All right.”

    He took another moment, and then struggled onto all fours, pulling out of you, and collapsed onto the bed beside you.

    You grinned at the look on his face as he stared at the ceiling, wide-eyed.

    “I,” he said. “Came. So. Hard.”

    You burst into laughter, and he looked to you, laughing himself, but still bewildered. “I did!” he insisted. “It was like I came five times in a row or something. I don’t think I can walk after that.”

    “I believe you,” you giggled.

    Roger shook his head, looking back to the ceiling. “Shit.”

    “How are you feeling?” you said. “We… got pretty deep into it.”

    Roger licked his lips. “I’m – I’m okay,” he said. “I feel a little… spacey? But I’m all right.”

    When you got a little spacey after you and Brian had gone harder than usual into the dom/sub dynamics, you only ever wanted two things: water, and cuddles.

    “I’ll get you some water,” you said, sitting up. It was more difficult than you wanted to admit. “Ah, God.”

    Roger chuckled. “How are you?”

    “Exhausted.” You shot him a smile. “Dude, we have the hottest sex ever. How are we so good at this?”

    “I know, right?” Roger said as you stood up and stretched, then went to throw on an old dress. “Maybe we should drop out of uni and become porn stars together. We’d make a bomb.”

    You snorted. “I know you’re joking, but I can also tell that you’re kinda not, so I’m just gonna say it now: I’m not dropping out of uni to become a porn star.”

    You headed to the kitchen.

    “Maybe think it over?” Roger called after you.

    You ignored him. You got yourself a drink of water, and were just finding something to snack on, when Roger stepped into the kitchen, dressed in his underwear and his shirt. He looked small, vulnerable.

    “Mm?” you said.

    “Um,” he said, stepping closer. “I… I don’t know.”

    Oh. Cuddles.

    You hopped up onto the kitchen bench and spread your arms. “C’mere,” you said, and he hurried over, burying his face in your shoulder, his arms holding you close.

    You just held him, scratching the base of his skull soothingly. He sighed contentedly, and you smiled.

    You showered first, and he went second. You lent him an old shirt and a pair of pyjama pants, which fitted him more like boxers. You were a big fan. He was not, but he didn’t really have much of a choice. He was unusually quiet, but he seemed happy, and when you offered to let him sleep over, he accepted wholeheartedly. For the rest of the afternoon, and then the evening, he was always touching you in some way, and you gave your cuddles freely. He curled against you as you both watched a movie on your laptop in your room after dinner, and he nodded off with his head against your shoulder.

    You let him. It was nice.

    The next morning, he was back to his old self. “What would you have done if I’d called you ‘Mummy’ instead of ‘ma’am’ yesterday?” he asked thoughtfully.

    You almost spat out your tea, glancing furtively towards Lucy’s bedroom. Hopefully she was still asleep. “Uh.”

    “Y’know, because you called me ‘Daddy’, not ‘sir’.”

    “Yeah, no, I get it.” You took another sip of tea. “Well, what if I’d told you to call me ‘Daddy’?”

    Roger stared at the table as he processed this. Then he looked back up to you. “Hm,” he said. “I honestly don’t know how I feel about that one. But you didn’t answer my question.”

    “My answer’s the same as yours,” you said. “I honestly don’t know how I feel about that one.”

    Roger nodded, and took a bite of toast. “Fair enough. Has Brian ever called you that?”

    “What, ‘Mummy’?” you said, and Roger shrugged. “No. It never even occurred to either of us.”

    “What does he called you?”

    You pulled a face. “Why do you want to know?”

    “I’m curious.”

    You were about to say something else, about how it was weird he wanted to know, but you bit your tongue. “He doesn’t call me anything, really,” you said instead. “Just my name. Even when I’m calling him ‘Daddy’, he… doesn’t really call me anything. He calls me a, uh, good girl, but, yeah, just my name. He’s not as big on the pet names during sex as you are.”

    Roger scoffed. “Well, he’s missing out, that’s all I have to say.”

    You chuckled. “Well, I’m seeing him tonight, so maybe I can ask him.”

    Roger raised his eyebrows. “You’re seeing him tonight? Like…”

    “Sleeping with him, yes.”

    “You’re not tuckered out after last night?”

    “Yeah,” you said with a shrug. “But I guess I’ll have to get used to it if I’m going to be balancing the two of you from now on, aren’t I?”

    “Guess so, yeah.”

    “I can just make him do all the work,” you added with a smile. “He’ll be a bit grumpy about it, but he’ll do it.”

    “Can you get him to wash all my dishes?”

    “No.”

    Roger made a disgruntled face, and you laughed.

    Okay. Maybe this could work out, after all.

[andrina-the-amazingsupergenius]

When in Blackpool, the Las Vegas of England || Rowdy and Randy

Summary: Andrina gets the best idea for a joke she’s ever had. 

@n0ttinghamshad0w

ANDRINA   Andrina was in Blackpool, bitches!    How did she get here? She didn’t know. It was one of those Andy-spirals that started off as a joke, then turned into a dare, then turned into a promise, then turned into a swear. She’d just been closing up shoppe in Whosits and Whatsits, checking on their stash. She’d just put on some music– Highway to Hell by AC/DC. She just pretended to play air guitar, just fell into Rob’s arms, just made out with him a little on top of Attina’s desk, when the words road trip fell out of her lips.    Wouldn’t it be so funny? she’d said. And maybe Rob said something about there being a couple of buyers who might be interested in Cruella’s finest. And couldn’t they be there, and back again, before anyone knew it?    And no she wasn’t drunk, when she started the trip, coasting along in the Whosits van.     And she wasn’t drunk when they got to Blackpool either, after midnight, and found the downtown alive and throbbing, bleeding light like a wound.    And she wasn’t drunk when she had sex with Rob in the loo of an old arcade, after completely kicking his arse at Pacman, his hair in one of her hands, her raffle tickets in the other.    She was, actually, just polishing off a cocktail when they started playing Blackjack. She was, maybe, getting a little tipsy, and a little handsy, as she watched Rob count cards and get away with it.    By the time they left, it was 3 in the morning and they were a few hundred quid richer. Andrina’s fingers were caressing the nape of Rob’s neck and she was thinking about fucking him again.   That’s when the sweet voice of Freddie Mercury caught her pinball eyes. She turned her head to the sweet rock music of Don’t Stop Me Now, and out of nowhere, Andy started laughing.    “Hey, you know what would be so funny?” Andy said, sliding her hand down Rob’s spine. She sipped at the vanilla milkshake she’d just bought cheap outta a McDonalds, and her eyes glinted when she met Rob’s own. “If we got married here.”  

ROB   This was the closest he’d been to home in ‘bout two years now.   ‘Course they weren’t even that close, mind you. ‘Course Rob wasn’t supposed to be thinkin’ of Nottingham as home. ‘Course Rob was supposed to have left Swynlake soon as the Davis job was over, find Tuck and Martin and Jo once again.    Funny how plans change.   Here he was now, pockets full of money he’d won and he’d whispered in Andrina’s ear that maybe they should consider a career in gamblin’ instead — she’d make a mad good poker pro, if he had to guess. Briefly, he entertained travelin’ the world, goin’ to casinos in Monaco and Las Vegas, places glitzier and more glamorous than lil’ Blackpool — his head spinnin’ with possibilities, with thoughts of suave suits and sparkly dresses and then Andrina spoke.   He let out a laugh. That was the furthest thing from what he was thinkin’ right now really and so amused was he that he near scooped her up and planted a kiss right on her mouth.   “Imagine the two of us gettin’ married at all,” he said, leanin’ over to take a sip of her milkshake. And ‘cuz it was a dumb joke by Andrina, he went along with it, of course, ‘cuz that’s what the two of ‘em did. It was sorta like a game. Well it was really a game — sometimes against one another, sometimes on the same team. The only rule, really, was that they had fun. And Rob did like havin’ fun.    “Here’s how it’ll go,” he said with a grin. “I’ll knock the rings off a vacationin’ couples hand — a rich one, mind you, only the best for my betrothed. And you’ll sweet talk a dress from a shop clerk who’s sweet on you, not even a dress maybe just a veil or somethin’. And we’d have to get married by that bloke over there — “ Rob pointed at the Freddie Mercury impersonator. “‘Cuz it’s not real love unless it’s sung by Freddie, you know.” 

  ANDRINA She loved this game.    Andrina actually loved a lot of things. She once thought that wasn’t the case-- that she was sort of a heartless monster (lol) and the love gene had skipped her. But since she’d started stealing things, Andrina realized that her love gene was just different. Maybe she didn’t have one or two hobbies-- maybe she had a whole bucket-full, and that was okay. Maybe she didn’t want to go on dates or get a boyfriend and maybe she really was going to be Wine Aunt. But that wasn’t failure. She wasn’t heartless.   Andrina loved nights that ended in a completely different place than they began. She loved the chaos of her room, its pieces always spread out like she was a magpie with her nest in constant creation. She hated working the counter at Whosits, but she loved sorting through the boxes of donations. She loved playing dress-up; she loved sex in public places; she loved getting in the Andrina-Zone between the hours of midnight and 4 in the morning, where the world was quiet and it zeroed in to whatever weirdo project she was working on. Those hours were Andrina at her most exhilarated, creative, blissed out. She stumbled into bed exhausted and happy as if she’d had the best sex in her life, though Andrina would tell you it was always better than sex.   She didn’t understand the thrill her sisters got from crushing on this or that person or the dreams they had about husbands, wives, kids-- even empires. But she knew what it meant to love. She didn’t think she loved Rob, but she loved the type of life he gave her. She loved that he never pushed her into stupid boxes. She loved every night like this one.   It was between the hours of midnight and 4. The Andrina-Zone. Her favourite hours.    So maybe that’s what made that particular, stupid box appeal on that night. Because it wasn’t just a box, it was a story. Rob told it so well, Andrina’s heart was suddenly pounding, she wanted to know more.    “Ooooo, the height of romance-- why, I do declare, Mr. Gardner, if I won’t just marry you right on the spot.” Andrina affected her voice into the buttery accent of a Hollywood movie star. She cooed. “I want a rock as big as the moon, Mr. Gardner! Will you steal me the moon?” She batted her eyelashes at him.    She giggled but then her eyes flashed and she was Andrina again. “I dare you. Hey, whoever gets back to the chapel first wins a prize!” 

  ROB   The game was on.   Rob tugged Andrina’s hand to his lips, pressing a fresh milkshake sticky kiss to the back of her hand, and then dropped it, giving a two-fingered salute as he backed away.   “Prize to be determined by winner — starting now!”   And off he dashed.   Sometimes, if he really wanted to get thinkin’ about things, Rob realized he was turnin’ 30 this year, which never seemed like an age he’d even get to, really. He figured he’d be caught by then, figured that like many of the blokes he’d grown up with, he’d be lost to drugs or to the cops ‘cuz of somethin’ else. But he was lucky — he was lucky and hey, he dinnit know the makeup of his DNA, but he looked enough like everyone else to get by. And he was very good at what he did and so here he was, almost 30, older than he thought he’d ever turn and still just as wild as he was at 18.   Well, he was more careful now. Dinnit draw attention to himself. Dinnit get into fights.   Instead, he slipped into crowded casinos and bars and he looked for couples sloshed outta their minds. Rings were tricky little buggers. Try a wrong hand, with someone whose ring was just tight enough, and you were easily caught. Rob waited a lil by the bar, orderin’ a drink and keepin’ an eye out for easy marks.   For the bloke — he spotted an older fella, sittin’ with a girl who had to be at least half his age. On his left hand, a wedding band. Rob kept his eye trained on this fella, ‘cuz he knew at one point this man’d slip his ring into his pocket, feelin’ too guilty about flirting with the pretty young bird with the reminder of a wife at home.   This happened quicker than Rob anticipated, which dinnit make him feel at all bad, as he brushed past and slipped his hand in the man’s jacket pocket and secured the gold ring.    It was more varied with stealin’ a women’s ring. He could check the loo, see if anyone forget their ring as they washed their hands. He could hope that there was a gal who had a similar mindset as that old bloke. But really, the  best bet in a place like this was to find a bird who was too skinny, too jittery, wearing fancy clothes and with pristine skin — someone drunk enough to say yes to a dance and not notice if in grabbin’ her hand, Rob slipped off her ring.   He spotted a bird like that, and just his luck, it was someone at a Hen party — not the bride, but another gal and everyone at Hen parties, ‘specially Hen parties thrown by rich women, wanted to dance with fit scrappy blokes. The girl in question was blonde and had massive fake tits and plump fake lips and before Rob asked her to dance, he heard her talking loudly to her friends about sendin’ back her meals last night at dinner and how she had to fire her last chauffeur for takin’ time off to see his newborn baby.   So yeah, he dinnit feel bad as he snagged the large diamond off her ring finger. She was so distracted by the fact he was whisperin’ some dumb sexy thing into her ear that she barely noticed.    Rings secured, Rob bolted back out into the night, racing to the chapel as fast as he could.    He saw Andrina right across from him, ‘bout the same distance away, and then grit his teeth and ran the remaining distance.

  ANDRINA Andrina loved games, but she loved winning more. So as Rob pulled away, she was already laughing, her victory a bright spark in each eye. They hadn’t established any rules, which meant that Andrina could cheat if she wanted. And duh, she wanted. Cheating never cheapened a victory; it sweetened it, reminding Andrina that she was clever, and she loved being clever.    And without Rob around to curb the worst of her impulses, she’d give into them.    So Andrina didn’t bother to race off into the city, to find some shoppe with its lights still on. She knew how this worked. She’d seen movies and TV and stuff (wasn’t life just like movies and TV and stuff?) Andrina slurped at her milkshake and strided toward the very chapel they were supposed to meet at.   She walked right in and up to the desk. “Hey, do you guys do, like, bridal veils and dress rentals and stuff?” she asked the man working at the counter.   The man started at the desk, looking up from his phone. His eyes were bloodshot. Ooooooh he was high as fuck. “And by stuff, I also mean weed, you have any of that too?”   “Wh--”   “I’m kidding! Kind of. I am if you are,” Andrina flashed a smile and leaned over the desk, showing off her cleavage.    “We...are a wedding chapel,” the man stated very slowly. He licked his lips. “We do have uh, tuxes and dresses available with some of our packages, listed here in the brochure…”   “Here’s the thing,” Andrina said and she leaned in even closer. “I sort of have a bet with a friend. Can I like, just borrow it?”    “Uh.”   “I’ll give you the rest of my milkshake,” Andrina sang, giving it a shake. She tilted her head and grinned. “And I won’t tell your manager you groped me.”   The man’s jaw went slack.    Ten and a half minutes later, Andrina was outside, dressed in a cheap wedding dress, with a joint between her teeth for good measure. “I WIN!” she shouted toward Rob. “By all means, take your time! Maybe I’ll just marry my new friend, Earl!” 

  ROB   “Ah, fuck,” said Rob, but he smiled and sprinted the last bit of the way. Reachin’ into his pocket, he pulled out the ring, and as he reached Andrina, he more or less crash landed onto one knee, holdin’ out that big, obnoxious rock that he’d swiped.    “Andrina Genieve Triton,” said Rob, voice all serious, as he held out the ring. “Will you do me the honor of marryin’ me?”   This was a grand game — a grand joke, yeah? Imagine scrappy Robin Hunt from Nottingham ever getin’ married. ‘Course it would be somewhere like this busted wedding chapel in Blackpool, with rings he stole. When he’d thought of marriage in the past, it seemed like somethin’ impossible: Rob was not a man who wore stuffy suits in a proper church and said bullshit lines in front of a priest. That’s what most girls wanted — maybe not a church, but a country club. Maybe not a priest, but a speech from their fathers, a best man and all that bullshit.    Andrina dinnit though. Andrina had a bloody joint in her mouth now and the wedding dress she wore looked like a Halloween costume with its gaudy jewels and plunging neckline. She looked like the best goddamn thing he’d seen in his life.   “Well whaddya say?” said Rob, still on one knee. 

  ANDRINA: The ring was gorgeous. Also, really ugly. It was both these things at the same time, and Andrina’s eyes widened at the sight of it, before she burst into laughter.    Of all the ridiculous things that Andrina had ever done in her whole life-- this was the most ridiculous. A spontaneous trip to Blackpool! Gambling, sex in the bathroom, milkshakes, Earl, a costume wedding dress! And now she was looking at some kind of Kardashian mistake of a ring-- she had no idea if any of those stones were real, because they were the kind of thing that looked so shiny and over-the-top you had to second-guess, but also maybe it was real, and Rob held in his hand more money than any of them had ever had in their bank accounts combined (and that was saying something for Andrina, Daddy’s Little Princess).    And here he was, offering it to her.    And was he serious?   Suddenly, Andrina didn’t know. Suddenly, she was looking down at the only boy who had never asked her to be anything that she wasn’t, and he was wearing that smile of his-- one that looked like he was always hiding the best part of an inside joke.    She wanted to kiss that mouth. Andrina wondered if that meant she was in love with him. She wondered it, and nothing moved inside of her. No big firework moment--  but none of the cold, clammy fear either, that had always taken her by the neck and never let her go.    She could marry this person and she didn’t think it would change anything, besides the fact that she’d have this massive, ugly ring to wave in people’s faces. Also, she could call herself Mrs. Gardner in an affected posh accent, which was always fun.    Mrs. Andrina Gardner. Or Mrs. Andrina Hunt, or whatever.    “I think I dared you first, that’s what I say,” Andrina declared. She grinned. She yanked up Rob by his collar, took the cigar out of her mouth, and planted a kiss on his lips, dirty and greedy and still tasting a little bit like milkshake.    When it broke, she stuck the cigar in Rob’s mouth, took the ring, and slid it on her hand. She fanned it in front of her face. “I’ll do it if you’ll do it,” she said. And that was definitely a yes in Andrina-speak. 

  ROB   Hell, they’d come this far and Rob wasn’t about to back out now.    Did he want to get married?   He dinnit know. Getting married was somethin’ he’d just never thought about. When Andrina kissed him though, hard and fast and sticky, he had the quick little thought that if somethin’ ever happened — if he couldn’t kiss her anymore — he’d be missin’ something more than just her lips. Not to say he wanted her to be the only person he kissed from here on out (or vice verse), but just that if he couldn’t kiss her well, then —   Look, this was all some complicated stuff to be thinkin’ about when he was supposed to be havin’ the happiest day of his life, yeah?   He didn’t answer her directly. Cigar still in his mouth, he grabbed her and lifted her up bridal style and spun around a little, before marching right into the chapel.   “Oi!” he said to the greasy-lookin’ bloke at the counter. “We’re here to get married! Where do we do that at?”   Determined not to put Andrina down till the moment they were in front of whatever sorta makeshift aisle they had in this horrendous lookin’ building. The greasy bloke grabbed some forms and led them through a door, down to a room dressed up in pink gawdy hearts and flowers and floatin’ lil naked babies.   He plopped Andrina down then and extended his arm to her.   “Ready?” he asked. There was still a teasin’ look in his eye, of course, but it was coupled with just a bit of seriousness. ‘Cuz here they were, here he was with Andrina wearin’ some trashy rental gown and ring he’d nicked at a nightclub, lookin’ at him like he was a prize she just won at a carnival. He looked at her and he felt… well happy.    Ahem. He turned away, shouting at greasy fellow.   “Can we get a wedding march here? Or something dancey? I wanna do this proper, mate. Only the best for the love of my life.”   

ANDRINA: Rob lifted her up and Andrina squealed, instantly kicking her feet as if she was trying to escape. Rob’s grip was firm though. He had her locked in his arms. Locked down, some might say-- hardy har har, marriage is an oppressive institution that people still willingly entered despite a shitton of sexist comments and attitudes!!!!!!!    But Andrina could escape if she wanted. Elbow Rob in the face and give the bugger a nosebleed and call the whole thing off. She’d even laugh it off and make it impossible for Rob to get mad at her. She knew how to play her cuteness as a shield like that.   But she didn’t want to escape.    She kind of wanted to get married. Why not? It wasn’t permanent. No matter what anyone said, marriage was a checkbox, and Andrina could check it off tonight, and erase it tomorrow.    But she wanted to say, at least once, she’d been married. In Blackpool. On a whim. To the love of her life-- or maybe not-- but certainly to a lad she liked more than she’d ever liked any boy. So she struggled only to make this more fun, and if she was playing a part, she was playing damsel, for once. God knows she’d never play that part again.    And then it was time, and she clicked down onto her boot heels and flipped her hair. She pretended to sniff snootily and tugged down at her sweater as though she was adjusting some kind of fancy bodice. Then she weaved her arm through Rob’s and waited for the music.    The wedding march sounded and Andrina turned to Rob with her Serious (™) face on.    “Race you down the aisle,” she said, Seriously.   And then she darted down the aisle, yelping as she felt the veil stuck in her hair give way a little. She reached up to secure it, and nearly tripped over the cheap dress. Rob caught her, and then they were laughing again, spinning the rest of the way, to the intolling organs and a bored looking for-hire officiant at the other end.    When they arrived, she was out of breath, but grinning. She flashed her ring at the officiant. “Pretty, innit?”   “Beautiful,” deadpanned the very bored bloke. She wondered if this place paid more than McDonalds or Starbucks. Hmm, back-up options for a career… “Ahem. We are gathered here today--”   “Wait! Rob, play my dad for a second. You gotta give me away.” She said and elbowed him in the side. 

  ROB   “Right, o’course,” said Rob without a moment’s hesitation. He darted back down to the end of the aisle. The rent-a-preacher stared at the both of them. Rob extended his arm out to Andrina and did his very best JEFF Triton impression.   “You look beautiful, darling,” he said, making his voice deeper which wasn’t necessarily how JEFF sounded, but it sounded vaguely what Rob imagined fathers to sound like. “I’m so happy that you’ve found someone for you.”   He didn’t know what fathers said to daughters on their wedding days, but he imagined it went something like that.   Puffing out his chest, he stomped down the aisle as the music played again. The bored pastor, preacher, random official person sighed.   “Are you ready now?” he asked.   Rob saluted, still pretending to be JEFF, and then took his place as Rob. He clasped his hands together like a groom in a movie, even though he was wearing a Dead Kennedys t-shirt and some old worn jeans, he pretended he was in some fancy tuxedo.    “Ahem. So, like I said we are gathered here today to join together this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony...did you wanna do your own vows or just do the ‘for better or worse’ bit?”   “Nah I can do my own,” said Rob. He wasn’t about to say some church bullshit. He cleared his throat as the pastor bloke man person went about all the other    “Andrina,” said Rob, clearing his throat. “You’re absolutely batshit and I say that as someone who’s too hard to handle for literally every person in the world I've met before. You’re sexy and fun, but you’re also my partner in crime.” A smirk here, ‘cuz that was literal eyooo.    “And you know, “ Rob continued, a little more sincere now if you knew what to listen for, but you’d have to really know what to listen for in Rob’s voice. “I don’t think there’s been many girls in my life I’ve wanted to never stop kissin’ but I never wanna stop kissin’ you. I promise I’ll always be down to do something as wild as gettin’ married in this chapel and I promise we’ll never be bored. Or maybe we will be, but we’ll find somethin’. I love you — “    It slipped out and he couldn’t stop now, so he just grinned as he talked hopin’ she’d also find it like a joke (or hopin’, maybe that she didn’t).    “And I’d steal a million pounds for you and you know it, babe.”    “Lovely,” said the pastor, then turning to Andrina.   

ANDRINA: It was a joke as they waltzed down the aisle the second time, Andrina taking long, serious strides, trying to remain smooth-faced.   It was a joke as Robbie jumped to the front, smoothed a hand down his front, clasped his hands together.   It was a joke as Andrina climbed up to meet him, lifting her chin before sticking out a tongue for a split second before the officiant finished his cliche, scripted speech.   It was a joke as Robbie started his vows.   But it wasn’t a joke for long.   Andrina couldn’t trace where the slippage happened. But Rob’s smirk faded at some point and suddenly she was noticing the color of his eyes, which she’d never noticed before. She was not the type to note shit like that. That was for Tiny and Dell, even Lana to a point. Andrina only cared about how smart a boy was. If she was in the mood, she’d pick a stupid lad to get her off, finding the most embarrassing, neanderthal dirty talk a strange turn on-- like watching shitty porn on purpose. Other times, she picked someone a little wittier, who could keep up with her jabs-- good not just for the fuck, but for the foreplay.   Rob was obviously the latter. She loved his mouth, kissed it plenty of times, felt it on her neck, her breasts, between her legs. She liked when he talked and when he didn’t-- when he chuckled, when he smirked, when he sucked on a lolly she nicked for him from the market.    But now she was looking in his eyes and her stomach fluttered. Butterflies, for the first time, here on her wedding day.   She could blame the wedding for them. Blame her veil and the fake stained glass behind Rob and the big rock on her finger. It was all just an illusion. She didn’t really feel… she didn’t actually…   But maybe she did.   And suddenly there was a before and an after. There was a split in Andrina’s roads. She saw it clearly, her life behind her-- a life of seven sisters, never enough space, and always drama she was obligated to participate in. She’d leave Blackpool and return to it. The idea crushed her. She was suffocating right here, right now, which is usually how she felt when a boy, any boy, looked her dead in the eye like this and told her that they liked her-- except Rob was doing that right now and all she wanted to do was fling her arms around his neck and beg him to steal her away next.    Don’t make her go back to that fucking town, to all those sisters, to her shitty apartment and the dinners she had to show up to like reporting for the army, to her dead-end job, to Attina’s depression. Please, dear god, no.    Her marriage was a getaway car. Rob was driving. Andrina was calling shotgun and hopping the fuck in.    “I think vows are overrated,” she said. “But I promise that you are the best fucking thing that ever happened to me.” And she looked to the officiant. “Okay, say the thing.”   “Oh-- that’s all--?”   “Yeah. Chop chop buddy!” Andrina said with a hand wave. “This is the happiest day of my life, helloooooo!”    “Er--right. I now pronounce you--”   Andrina flung her arms around Rob’s neck and kissed him before he could finish. 

  ROB   Rob kissed Andrina back, picking her up a little and swingin’ her around. And ‘cuz why do this if he didn’t do this the right way, he picked up Andrina’s legs and carried her in his arms, like they were somethin’ out of a movie or somethin’.   Ha. Rob Hunt from Nottingham Orphanage never thought he’d be worthy of a movie. Not that this shitty chapel and these stolen rings and this rent-a-pastor were worthy of a movie. They were all shams, hacks, more reflective of Rob, really. But Andrina — Andrina was a real thing, better than any dumb movie endin’ because she had a wicked smile and sometimes in the morning her breath smelled and sometimes in the night she kicked, but she was smart and she never stopped, ever, and the mask Rob wore always somehow disppeared with her.    Also she was sexy as fuck.   He spun Andrina around a little, givin’ a bit of a woop, the gave her a proper snog. It was sticky and messy, the sort kiss that horny teenagers in the back of a car kissed. And what of it? He couldn’t wait to go back to the van and shag his wife.   “Hey, uh, sorry but you’ve got to sign these forms and stuff,” said the rent-a-preacher, holding up some papers. “It’s real quick, I promise. Sorry shoulda done it before but — “ “Yeah,  yeah, just bring it here,” said Rob, dropping Andrina down and grabbing the pen to quickly sign because, okay, the primary thing on his mind right now was sex.

  ANDRINA: Andrina was also thinking about a car-shag-- a back-of-a-van shag, actually, was more accurate. Her thighs were already trembling, desire as hot as the rest of her blood. If she stepped back from herself, she’d maybe realize it was the adrenaline from what might have been some kind of mental breakdown or dissociative episode. Because, her! Andrina! A wife!   Honesty, this was her most brilliant joke yet. Wait until she told her sisters.    (This thought instantly led to a short-circuit, and the Nyan Cat Video played on repeat.)   First though, right. Paperwork. This was another chance for Andrina to rewind this whole insane episode and decide she wasn’t going to be a wife after all. But Rob grabbed for the pen without hesitating, and fuck if she was going to prove to be a coward in the last ten seconds of the biggest Andrina-prank ever concocted.    Plus, she got bragging rights, she supposed, being the first sister to ever marry.    That was kind of a fucked up thing to think.    But it’s true, went the little voice in her head. As Andrina signed her name with a flourish, something very pleased inside her stretched itself out and started purring. A smile slid across her face. No one thought it’d be you, Andrina. Yeah, maybe this is a mental breakdown. Or maybe you finally found out who you’re supposed to be.   “Should I take your name?” Andrina said as she straightened up. She wiggled her veil off so she could plop it on Rob’s head instead, stepping forward to adjust it carefully. “Andrina Gardner. But that isn’t even your real name right? Well, that’s kind of hot. A fake-new last name. Or maybe you can take my last name-- it can be your new fake name. Or like, fake-real name. Rob Triton.” Her eyes moved from the veil down to his own. She smiled. It was her softest smile of the whole night. “What do you think?”   ROB   Rob had no attachment to his name. He slipped on and off his name like it was a scarf of some sort. Sometimes he forgot Robert Gardner wasn’t a real person; sometimes he forgot Robin Hunt was one. Sometimes, he forgot that once he went by Oliver and also that was his legal middle name.   “Well, you can’t marry Robert Gardner ‘cuz he ennit real,” said Rob, cheerfully, tossing the veil over his shoulder. The rent-a-pastor looked massively confused, but Rob paid him no mind. It’s not like this bloke was gonna do a deep investigation into Robert Gardner. That name was so common, Rob had chosen it for a reason.    Sometimes Robert Gardner felt more real to him than Robin Hunt. Robin Hunt was a name chosen by a system, a name written on paperwork and run through computers. A name he’d shed because the baggage of being Robin Hunt was too heavy for him to carry.    A name he sometimes felt guilty about leaving behind.   But he needed to pick up new ones. He had to keep evolving. Stay still and he’d die.   He looked at Andrina now, his mouth cocking up into a smile.    “But I can marry Andrina Triton. I’ve never had a real name of my own, so I might as well take yours, yeah? I don’t need to be Robert or Robin. Just Rob. Time to reinvent myself — “   He took the paper and signed Rob Triton  with a flourish.   “There we go — who’d thought you’d make a new, honest man outta me, eh?” 

  ANDRINA Andrina stared down at Rob Triton and felt something. That something didn’t have any name that she knew. It tickled, and if she thought about it too much, she suspected it might feel a little bit like heartburn.    Here’s what she did know: that something made her want to take this piece of paper with Rob Triton written on it, tear it up into pieces, shove it into her mouth, and eat it.    That’s how much she loved seeing it written out like that, the idea of not belonging to Rob at all-- but him belonging to her.   Instead of giving into her weirdo, paper-cannibalistic desire, she swept up the paper, folded it neatly and then reached under her dress, hiking the whole thing up. She hadn’t taken off her jeans, see. So she could just slip the paper in the back pocket. She let the dress back down and then slipped her arm through Rob’s own.    “Okay Mr. Triton. I think we need to consummate our marriage,” she winked at him.    The officiant grimaced.    “Chill out, we won’t do it here,” Andrina said and giggled. “We have a very on-brand sex van. Let’s make the most of it. Maestro, play the wedding march!”   “We don’t really do that on the way down the aisle…”   “Nevermind!” Andrina exclaimed and she tugged Rob down anyway-- and together they skipped their way back out into the early hours of a Blackpool morning.

[devillainsarchive]

fkingdom - mr robot verse [ mild spoilers for mr robot ]

verse tag - my new modern verse. please let it be known even if your character is mentioned that does not mean in anyway do you have to adhere to the role OR follow things exactly. Mr. Robot has alot of death and I am not going to force that on any characters.

Carlos Oscar de Vil, son of Cruella de Vil, though he rather you not know that. You can search her on the internet and get article upon article, picture upon picture. But the only mention you will find of him is his name on her wikipedia page. Most of that is thanks to Carlos himself, but also his mother wishes she didn’t exist. Carlos keeps his presence online small, that’s what happens when you are a hacker, you don’t trust anyone.

Carlos’ childhood was far from normal, Cruella’s abuse however was something he saw as normal. He wasn’t normal. With a brain too big, an absent father, and an ever present cousin named Diego, its hard to have a normal childhood. Evie helped, and later Mal helped to. Two childhood friends. They made school normal, well they tried to. All three of them were affected by Auradon Group, a conglomerate that is everywhere, and has their fingers in every pie. Run by Adam, or as he is known the Beast, the company is ruthless, and covered up a cancer scandal that killed Diego, Evie’s dad, and someone in Mal’s family too. 

Carlos and Diego were close. He was like a dad. He opened a computer business, it was small but effective when he got sick and was fired from Auradon group. He took Carlos to see movies. He also “pushed” Carlos out a window. But asking Carlos to really remember any of these events is not something that is successful. He forgets things. He forgot Mal for example.

Its been a few years since high school though. Its all forgotten, he made himself forget. But that’s fine. He’s in therapy now because he got angry and broke things at a server farm at his lost job. His therapist is a bit stupid, but she can’t help it, she’s more like a fairy godmother than a therapist though. She’s got her own problems, be conned by a guy cheating on his wife for example. She doesn’t help much though, he still sees people, one in particular. He still does drugs. He still feels alone.

His current job is at Cyber Heroes was gotten for him by Evie who was a manager he was just a tech. Cyber Heroes has a big client, Auradon Group. Carlos is one of the techs on the case. Doug, Evie’s boyfriend who has an unhealthy obsession with Josh Groban, and is a bit stupid if you ask Carlos, also works at Cyber Heroes. He wants them to be friends, Carlos is fine with them not being friends. Among the leaders in Auradon group included Chad, he wants to be CTO, chief technology officer. He’s close, but a bit aggressive in what he wants.

A hack happens on the servers that Cyber Heroes are supposed to protect for Auradon Group. Yen Sid the CEO of Cyber Heroes has Evie call in Carlos. They can’t fix the problem on sight so they go to the server farm. Carlos finds the source of the hack, but its odd. The signature is fKingdom. He wants to delete but he can’t. He reroutes the server so only he can access and monitor it. Everything is fine, and he must find out what fKingdom is. He finds as much as he can, but there isn’t much. There isn’t much until Mr. Robot shows up, and has Carlos follow him.

fKingdom is a hacker group, one of the best in the USA. The best because of who they have doing the work. Mal, Harry and Jace Badun (cousins not brothers), Freddie Facilier, Anthony Tremaine, Mr. Robot, and him if he can be convinced. Mr. Robot tells him some key information, things to add into what he already knows to take Beast down. He reluctantly agrees.

He puts together a new packet with the Beast info. When the meeting about the hack happens, and Beast tells Evie to leave because she is not up to speed, Carlos decides to take him down, instead of turn fKingdom in. He still sees people following him, so he goes to his next door neighbor Jane, he doesn’t like to think of her as his drug dealer, but she is. She’s really nice, he likes her. He’ll take her to a party later, they’ll go on dates, and be boyfriend and girlfriend. And then he ruined it because her drug dealer Hades, is an absolute ass. He ruined it, and he has to forget Jane.

He confronts his therapists boyfriend, and steals his dog Dude. Dude is not well trained at all. The thing to know about Carlos he doesn’t want to hurt people and the more he digs into fKingdom, the more that happens, he knows that is going to happen. Mal calls him a dumbass about it.

Chad wants Carlos at Auradon Group, Carlos can’t do it. He asks if he can think about it because that’s better than a no. He cannot join the evil guy. It doesn’t work like that. Chad is still trying to get the CTO position, he and his girlfriend Audrey plan something together. They will figure something out, and will do whatever it takes. To bad it doesn’t work the best and Chad is implicated and then he disappears.

fKingdom in the meantime is working on a big hack, a hack to end Auradon Group for good. Carlos has to enter The Moors, the most secure and well equipped data protection center in the world. He gets in through manipulation of a few employees, help from Mr. Robot, and his alias Smith Close. Its tense and Carlos nearly fails. The hack happens and things start happening, but they also start to go downhill. Anthony is found dead, and his mother Lady Tremaine, who is in the process of moving doesn’t realize her packing material leads the FBI and agent Li Lonnie to nearly discovering fKingdom. Thankfully Lonnie, rules out Anthony’s cousin Dizzy from any fowl play. Carlos prefers it that way. Dizzy is innocent in all this.

The Lost Revenge, a remote Hacker Group who has been helping fKingdom the whole time through the help of Mal’s boyfriend Ben. They are stirring. More importantly their leader, a government official named Uma to the public, but Pirate Queen in the hacker circles, is moving. With the help of her trusty second hand Gil, they make moves publicly to help potentially save Auradon Group, with their government’s interests in mind.

Carlos is not doing well, he remembers Mal, after an event he rather not. He also remembers Diego, and realizes its Diego he’s been seeing which makes no sense because Diego is dead. Dude eats a computer part, which leads to Carlos getting arrested. After all Dude is micro-chipped.

Jail is hard for Carlos. There are so many things going on. He meets Jay, who is actually working for the Pirate Queen, but is deep under cover, and the two form a bond. Its a strange bond but Jay has Carlos’ back. The warden Facilier, no relation to Freddie, Carlos made sure, has Carlos do some hacking for him. Not the good kind of hacking. The kind of hacking that Carlos does not want to do and it nearly gets him killed among other things.

Meanwhile Evie is working on using the released information from Beast to renew the law suit that they failed years ago because of such a big cover up. She goes to Maleficent, or that’s what everyone calls her, its a lovely last name, one of the best defense lawyers in the business who worked on the case before. They come up with a plan. A plan which Evie tries to move forward on her own. She does so by getting a job at Auradon Group. But things are happening even if they are not how everything is supposed to go.

Carlos has not heard from Chad since the night of the big hack, and it worries him. Audrey hasn’t either, and when Carlos tries to confront her it backfires a bit. But she is dealing with her own problems, namely problems that Chad left behind but it will all work out. Thankfully she still has funds, she was one of the few that actually does.

Mal covers for Carlos being gone. And continues on fKingdom’s plans. The first is to uproot Leah, the head of legal at Auradon Group. Its done with ease. The next is to make a fool of Auradon Group which they do. After all chief officer burning 500k in the streets makes a statement. A statement that is reiterated on live TV, with a situation Evie will likely never get over.

Uma gets Jay, and her clean up guy Harry to get Carlos out of jail. But she has so much more work to do. So much more work, and so little time. She only cares about Carlos. So she sends Gil and Jay to clean up the rest of the mess of fKingdom. Harry and Jace are gone in a flash, and Freddie is framed. Their families hate Carlos. But Carlos wants to make it right, Freddie had a sister though, Celia. And she puts things into perspective for Carlos, they go from hating each other, to not hating each other in the course of a very hard day. She stops Carlos from making bad decisions.

Things begin to steam role the FBI is onto them. Lonnie meets Mal and takes her in. Yen Sid has an unfortunate ending after threatening to turn Carlos in for the hack, even though he doesn’t remember much of it. And Carlos accepts that he has dissociative identity disorder. His therapist asks to meet Mr. Robot, or Diego, and he says its a bad idea. It very much is, but Diego meets her anyways.

Harry has to clean up so many messes, including one at the FBI which puts Lonnie in a new and difficult position, and everyone pisses him off because of it. Mal has Leah meet her unfortunate end, and the list goes on. Hades comes back too.

Let it be known this is not a tale of happily every afters, those were the price for saying Fuck the Kingdom.

[devillain]

verse: mr robot : fuck the kingdom [ mild spoilers for mr robot ]

verse tag - my new modern verse. please let it be known even if your character is mentioned that does not mean in anyway do you have to adhere to the role OR follow things exactly. Mr. Robot has alot of death and I am not going to force that on any characters.

Carlos Oscar de Vil, son of Cruella de Vil, though he rather you not know that. You can search her on the internet and get article upon article, picture upon picture. But the only mention you will find of him is his name on her wikipedia page. Most of that is thanks to Carlos himself, but also his mother wishes she didn’t exist. Carlos keeps his presence online small, that’s what happens when you are a hacker, you don’t trust anyone.

Carlos’ childhood was far from normal, Cruella’s abuse however was something he saw as normal. He wasn’t normal. With a brain too big, an absent father, and an ever present cousin named Diego, its hard to have a normal childhood. Evie helped, and later Mal helped to. Two childhood friends. They made school normal, well they tried to. All three of them were affected by Auradon Group, a conglomerate that is everywhere, and has their fingers in every pie. Run by Adam, or as he is known the Beast, the company is ruthless, and covered up a cancer scandal that killed Diego, Evie’s dad, and someone in Mal’s family too.

Carlos and Diego were close. He was like a dad. He opened a computer business, it was small but effective when he got sick and was fired from Auradon group. He took Carlos to see movies. He also “pushed” Carlos out a window. But asking Carlos to really remember any of these events is not something that is successful. He forgets things. He forgot Mal for example.

Its been a few years since high school though. Its all forgotten, he made himself forget. But that’s fine. He’s in therapy now because he got angry and broke things at a server farm at his lost job. His therapist is a bit stupid, but she can’t help it, she’s more like a fairy godmother than a therapist though. She’s got her own problems, be conned by a guy cheating on his wife for example. She doesn’t help much though, he still sees people, one in particular. He still does drugs. He still feels alone.

His current job is at Cyber Heroes was gotten for him by Evie who was a manager he was just a tech. Cyber Heroes has a big client, Auradon Group. Carlos is one of the techs on the case. Doug, Evie’s boyfriend who has an unhealthy obsession with Josh Groban, and is a bit stupid if you ask Carlos, also works at Cyber Heroes. He wants them to be friends, Carlos is fine with them not being friends. Among the leaders in Auradon group included Chad, he wants to be CTO, chief technology officer. He’s close, but a bit aggressive in what he wants.

A hack happens on the servers that Cyber Heroes are supposed to protect for Auradon Group. Yen Sid the CEO of Cyber Heroes has Evie call in Carlos. They can’t fix the problem on sight so they go to the server farm. Carlos finds the source of the hack, but its odd. The signature is fKingdom. He wants to delete but he can’t. He reroutes the server so only he can access and monitor it. Everything is fine, and he must find out what fKingdom is. He finds as much as he can, but there isn’t much. There isn’t much until Mr. Robot shows up, and has Carlos follow him.

fKingdom is a hacker group, one of the best in the USA. The best because of who they have doing the work. Mal, Harry and Jace Badun (cousins not brothers), Freddie Facilier, Anthony Tremaine, Mr. Robot, and him if he can be convinced. Mr. Robot tells him some key information, things to add into what he already knows to take Beast down. He reluctantly agrees.

He puts together a new packet with the Beast info. When the meeting about the hack happens, and Beast tells Evie to leave because she is not up to speed, Carlos decides to take him down, instead of turn fKingdom in. He still sees people following him, so he goes to his next door neighbor Jane, he doesn’t like to think of her as his drug dealer, but she is. She’s really nice, he likes her. He’ll take her to a party later, they’ll go on dates, and be boyfriend and girlfriend. And then he ruined it because her drug dealer Hades, is an absolute ass. He ruined it, and he has to forget Jane.

He confronts his therapists boyfriend, and steals his dog Dude. Dude is not well trained at all. The thing to know about Carlos he doesn’t want to hurt people and the more he digs into fKingdom, the more that happens, he knows that is going to happen. Mal calls him a dumbass about it.

Chad wants Carlos at Auradon Group, Carlos can’t do it. He asks if he can think about it because that’s better than a no. He cannot join the evil guy. It doesn’t work like that. Chad is still trying to get the CTO position, he and his girlfriend Audrey plan something together. They will figure something out, and will do whatever it takes. To bad it doesn’t work the best and Chad is implicated and then he disappears.

fKingdom in the meantime is working on a big hack, a hack to end Auradon Group for good. Carlos has to enter The Moors, the most secure and well equipped data protection center in the world. He gets in through manipulation of a few employees, help from Mr. Robot, and his alias Smith Close. Its tense and Carlos nearly fails. The hack happens and things start happening, but they also start to go downhill. Anthony is found dead, and his mother Lady Tremaine, who is in the process of moving doesn’t realize her packing material leads the FBI and agent Li Lonnie to nearly discovering fKingdom. Thankfully Lonnie, rules out Anthony’s cousin Dizzy from any fowl play. Carlos prefers it that way. Dizzy is innocent in all this.

The Lost Revenge, a remote Hacker Group who has been helping fKingdom the whole time through the help of Mal’s boyfriend Ben. They are stirring. More importantly their leader, a government official named Uma to the public, but Pirate Queen in the hacker circles, is moving. With the help of her trusty second hand Gil, they make moves publicly to help potentially save Auradon Group, with their government’s interests in mind.

Carlos is not doing well, he remembers Mal, after an event he rather not. He also remembers Diego, and realizes its Diego he’s been seeing which makes no sense because Diego is dead. Dude eats a computer part, which leads to Carlos getting arrested. After all Dude is micro-chipped.

Jail is hard for Carlos. There are so many things going on. He meets Jay, who is actually working for the Pirate Queen, but is deep under cover, and the two form a bond. Its a strange bond but Jay has Carlos’ back. The warden Facilier, no relation to Freddie, Carlos made sure, has Carlos do some hacking for him. Not the good kind of hacking. The kind of hacking that Carlos does not want to do and it nearly gets him killed among other things.

Meanwhile Evie is working on using the released information from Beast to renew the law suit that they failed years ago because of such a big cover up. She goes to Maleficent, or that’s what everyone calls her, its a lovely last name, one of the best defense lawyers in the business who worked on the case before. They come up with a plan. A plan which Evie tries to move forward on her own. She does so by getting a job at Auradon Group. But things are happening even if they are not how everything is supposed to go.

Carlos has not heard from Chad since the night of the big hack, and it worries him. Audrey hasn’t either, and when Carlos tries to confront her it backfires a bit. But she is dealing with her own problems, namely problems that Chad left behind but it will all work out. Thankfully she still has funds, she was one of the few that actually does.

Mal covers for Carlos being gone. And continues on fKingdom’s plans. The first is to uproot Leah, the head of legal at Auradon Group. Its done with ease. The next is to make a fool of Auradon Group which they do. After all chief officer burning 500k in the streets makes a statement. A statement that is reiterated on live TV, with a situation Evie will likely never get over.

Uma gets Jay, and her clean up guy Harry to get Carlos out of jail. But she has so much more work to do. So much more work, and so little time. She only cares about Carlos. So she sends Gil and Jay to clean up the rest of the mess of fKingdom. Harry and Jace are gone in a flash, and Freddie is framed. Their families hate Carlos. But Carlos wants to make it right, Freddie had a sister though, Celia. And she puts things into perspective for Carlos, they go from hating each other, to not hating each other in the course of a very hard day. She stops Carlos from making bad decisions.

Things begin to steam role the FBI is onto them. Lonnie meets Mal and takes her in. Yen Sid has an unfortunate ending after threatening to turn Carlos in for the hack, even though he doesn’t remember much of it. And Carlos accepts that he has dissociative identity disorder. His therapist asks to meet Mr. Robot, or Diego, and he says its a bad idea. It very much is, but Diego meets her anyways.

Harry has to clean up so many messes, including one at the FBI which puts Lonnie in a new and difficult position, and everyone pisses him off because of it. Mal has Leah meet her unfortunate end, and the list goes on. Hades comes back too.

Let it be known this is not a tale of happily every afters, those were the price for saying Fuck the Kingdom.

[clown-bait]

29 Neibolt ST (Monster Roommate AU) CH 27

FINALLY FINISHED THIS!! So the monsters try really hard to figure out why they aren't monsters any more. Turns out they cant focus for five minutes without going off on a weird tangent about washing machines and butts. Papawise is gonna have to try to get these idiots to be productive. Good luck papa you’re gonna need it.

CH 27

Focusing is Hard

“Are we going to address this human problem now?”

Freddy and Drac sat on the couch already breaking into Chucky’s beer stash as Leech plopped herself onto Robert’s lap on the loveseat. the former clown brought a long arm around her and nuzzled his nose into her drying hair. “Mmm you smell just like me” he growled. “I wonder why” Leech giggled and kissed his jaw line. Freddy nearly gagged.

“*AHEM* SO is that a no on the problem solving then?” he asked the ex-nosferatu.

“Fred like either of us have any idea how this happened at all.”

“Well did you two do anything? I dunno like did you activate some curse or something? Maybe pissed off a witch?”

“What witch is powerful enough to turn Pennywise human? Let alone a whole town full of over powered evil.” Leech crossed her legs over the side of the chair getting comfy.

“I love it when you call me powerful.” Robert beamed with pride from having his ego stroked.

“Focus Bob” She scolded him.

As they discussed their options there was a clatter in the basement followed by a wheeze. Everyone froze solid looking at eachother and back down the hall. “Do we go investigate?” the nosferatu asked hesitantly.

“Isn’t that usually how humans get killed by us?” Freddy grumbled.

“Holy shit being on the other side of the horror movie sucks balls” Leech picked up a beer bottle in defence peering down the hall.

“I’ll go. You all would be such easy targets.” Robert rolled his eyes. His companions’ fears starting to annoy him.

“Like hell you are! We all know what happens when the prey splits up!” Leech grabbed his arm before he could march into any more danger.

“Lets just all go together then. Can’t be anything too terrible with everyone being turned human.” Freddy handed Dracula a broken piece of wood who glanced over at his roommate in confusion.

“We’re so going to die” the ex nosferatu groaned.

The former monsters approached the door leading to the basement where they could hear more panting and wheezing which seemed to get louder and louder. Leech hesitantly opened the door which made an extremely ominous creak causing the ex-vampire to grip her bottle tighter. They peered into the basement, everyone silently cursing Penny for making his house as equally scary as himself. Something wet and dark flopped out of the well gasping like a fish out of water. Robert felt both his arms get grabbed by Leech and Freddy at once while Drac clung to his roommate from behind. The weight of 3 grown adults clinging to his silk robe like baby sloths nearly pulled the former eldritch to the ground and he gave them all an angry scowl. “Really?!” he hissed. The wet thing began to stand it looked like a person, a very tired and pissed off person.

“I just walked for MILES through the freezing sewer, so you MORONS better tell me what the hell is going on right now or there will be consequences!” they said.

The man finally came into view. He looked quite different without the giant red nose.

“U-Uncle Penny?” Leech stuttered the man rung out the wet shirt he had clearly killed someone for as there was a large blood stain on the collar.

“This is what you look like as humans? Jesus Junior those pants tight enough?”

“Theyre Freddy’s…” Robert looked off to the side.

“Actually I think those are mine!” Leech pulled at his pants to inspect the pocket “Yeah theres the hole in the pocket!”

“Leechie why does Krueger have your pants?” If Robert still had fangs theyd be out.

“Oh calm down Fred and I swap clothes all the time.” she waved him off and rolled her eyes at his jealousy.

“Yeah Fangs does laundry at our place cause you won’t get a washer dryer”

“There’s a wash tub right over there!” Robert snarled at the former dream demon in annoyance. First it was wifi and microwaves now its modern washing machines! How is anyone going to be scared when they walk into the haunted house on Neibolt if theyre greeted with the scent of clean laundry and hot pockets.

“The 1800s were over a long ass time ago Bob!” Leech complained she had been trying to get him to change his mind on this for weeks now.

“I am trying to cultivate an atmosphere that generates fear! Dryer sheets and laundry detergent create the opposite effect Leech!”

“Sheesh Junior you take your interior decorating a bit too seriously.” his uncle rolled his eyes at his younger counterpart.

“Will all of you please drop the washer/dryer thing”

“IS THE CLOWN FINALLY GETTING A WASHING MACHINE?” came Tiffany’s voice from upstairs

“Look you’re in the minority here Robert, just let us get something basic.”

“Yeah Jingles, that way Fangs will stop leaving her pants at our place.” Freddy grumbled.

“Hey now I remember you saying you liked those pants and I let you borrow them!” Leech snapped.

“Yeah alright fine. Theyre good pants, I mean look at how great Jingles’ ass looks in them!” Freddy spun Robert around and slapped his ass howling in laughter at Robert’s enraged reaction.

“O să discutăm acum despre problema noastră?” ((will we talk about our problem now?)) Dracula asked. He had no idea what anyone was saying or why they were all humans all he knew was that he wanted to get back to being immortal as soon as possible.

“I dont speak French Dracula!” Uncle Penny grumbled.

“Oh my god how does that remotely even sound like French? Its fucking Romanian!” Leech snapped at him defending her extremely confused mentor.

“Whatever. Can all of you focus for just five minutes?! That’s all I’m asking for here. As soon as we figure out why the hell I can’t shape shift you can all go back to blabbering about eachother’s butts!” The older eldritch groaned in frustration.

“Ok but you have to agree theyre great pants though!”

“FIVE MINUTES KRUEGER!”

“Pff youre asking a lot, Freddy came over to do the same thing and within the first hour we all ended up being violently attacked by the cat and Robert lost a finger.” leech held up Robert’s injured hand.

“You lost a finger Junior? How do you fuck up this bad?”

“THATS WHAT I SAID!” Tiffany yelled once again from upstairs

“By the way, there a reason the dolls arent joining us in figuring this out?” Freddy asked Leech ignoring the enraged Uncle Penny’s complaints.

“A) I dont think they want to, and B) I’m pretty sure from the Rob Zombie music blasting from their room and the creaking bed springs theyre uh..busy..” Leech said.

“Gross” Robert snarled.

“JINGLES YOU’RE NOT MUCH BETTER!” Chucky shouted down.

“Unbelievable. You couldnt even do one minute of concentration! Were never getting back to normal jesus.” The elder eldritch tilted his head up at the ceiling growing tired of the other monsters constant distractions.

“Fine where do you suggest we start because we’re all out of ideas here.” Leech snapped.

“Did you even try having any ideas in the first place?”

The monsters opened their mouths to speak and immediately closed them. Ok so maybe they haven’t been the most proactive about this.

“Can we at least take this out of the basement then and get more beer before we start? I think I’m going to develop asthma from all the dust down here.” Leech began to walk back up the stairs to the kitchen. “You boys can either join me or stay down here in the dark. I’m out.” The other monsters shrugged and followed suit.

—————-

“Ok so we need to narrow down who is powerful enough to turn an entire town of powerful entities into humans.” Uncle Penny began drinking the beer Leech had got him from Chucky’s  nearly empty stash.

“I can think of no one.” the younger vampire said.

“You haven’t been with us very long Leechie.” Robert patted her on the head.

“Wait isnt today Halloween?” Freddy asked having a rare appiphany.

“Yeah so?” Uncle Penny took another long swig of the beer surpriesed that he liked it so much.

“Yeah doesnt that mean certian supernatural parties are stronger today?” Leech asked

“Oh fuck ive heard of this before. Did any of you break the rules of Halloween?” Freddy asked, he had seen something like this in another town once. People who broke tradition on Halloween that night had bad things happen to them.

“There’s rules to this holiday?” Robert raised an eyebrow and tried to drink Leech’s beer grimacing at the tast and shoving it back into her hands. Everyone turned to him and glared.

“What did you do Jingles”

“Why are you accusing me?”

“Bob what did you fucking do?”

—————-

“YOU STOLE HIS WHAT?”

“I thought he was a regular child!!” Robert snarled. He recalled a small boy in an orange scarecrow outfit in the haunted house that just was not scared of him. He tried everything eventually getting frustrated and snatching the boy’s candy bag and vanishing to go find his mate. He had no idea he had just stolen from Samhain, who for one night a year was the most powerful being in existance.

“Wait hold on you fucking stole the spirit of Halloween’s bag of candy after you couldnt scare him because your feelings were hurt!?” Leech had hopped out of his lap and pushed her hands through her hair.

“He had no fear and I couldnt just let him get away! All the candy bars had razors in them anyway..”

“Where’s the fucking bag now Robert??” She grabbed his robe in her fists.

“In my lair I was going to eat around the knives!”

“Jesus christ Junior you must have really pissed him off!”

“How do we fix this then just give him back the bag?” Freddy asked.

“That’s a start��.” The ex vampire took a long drink from her beer.

“Where would we find the little brat though?” Uncle Penny asked.

“Probably where the celebrations are thickest. That’s where I’d go for a holiday about me.” Freddy added.

“Looks like were going to have to do a traditional human halloween then. Let’s get some costumes carve some pumpkins and get me another god damn drink.” Leech sighed, it was going to be a long difficult day.

—————-

“Ok so what im thinking is if the Cenobites are still throwing their big ass Halloween party then thats probably a good place to start since that thing is going to be huge. Which means if were going everyone is going to first need a costume.” Leech and the rest of the former monsters stood in the center of town finally making it out of the house.

“Yeah one, none of us were invited and two, theres going to be nothing left in the stores. Except the sexy stuff and there is no way im going as sexy thing that should never be made sexy…maybe Jingles will though that seems like his wardrobe of choice.” Freddy grumbled keeping a firm grasp on the poor overwhelmed Prince Vlad.

“Well sorry for being too tall to fit into your clothes which are made for small women” Robert sneered at the former dream demon. He was getting strange looks left and right for his overly tight pants/ pink bathrobe combo. Leech took note of it when a few girls stopped and stared while giggling amongst themselves. The ex vampire grabbed her mate’s arm glaring daggers at the women. Robert put two and two together and shot her an amused smile “Really?” he asked her. “We need to get you some real clothes” she grumbled.

“How are we getting into this party then if we weren’t invited?” Uncle Penny interrupted them. “We’re not exactly equipped for sneaking in and out of places anymore.”

“Crashing will be easy, its taking on an all powerful being as humans that will be extremely difficult.” Leech stated. she had crashed many a party in her teens when she used to deal pot to rich kids getting in wouldnt be a problem.  

“And what are we gonna do when we catch the twerp? Shake and yell?” the older eldritch asked.

“I have a feeling rattling his brains and screaming at him is probably a bad way to appease the god of Halloween to change us back” Freddy added.

“Well I’m not saying I’m sorry” Robert growled. There was no way he was going to beg some young pagan god to forgive him.

“You do realise as humans we can die now right? You better fucking say youre sorry Bob” his mate scolded him.

“Seriously Jingles what if were stuck like this for a whole year?” freddy added realizing the entire monster population depended on the proudest thing in existence to admit he fucked up. They were doomed.

“I do not beg.”

“Ha! That’s a load bullshit! I’ve heard it!” Leech laughed.

“Leech! that’s….thats different…” Robert hissed

“we’ve all heard it Jingles anyone with a drain has heard it at some point.”

The former clown looked off to the side and grumbled something unintelligble.

“All right look, we need to hurry up and get something for us to wear to this thing. I’ll take the clowns. Freddy you try to handle your roommate.”

“Good luck with that.” Uncle Penny said eyeing the frantic looking prince.

“Just call me when he eventually breaks something” Leech grabbed the eldritchs and made her way to the nearest store.

—————-

“Robert what the hell is that?” both Leech and “Uncle Bob” as he decided to call himself, stared at Robert Gray in confusion as he exited a near by restroom

“You said buy a costume.”

“Ok but I thought youd get another clown costume why the hell are you Spiderman?” his mate placed her fingers over her temples. Of course hed pick out something like this.

“I’m a giant spider trapped as a man I thought it was fitting.”

“Yeah but I’m going as a ring master and…..you know what never mind, fuck me for trying” leech groaned it was hard enough to control two eldritch horrors in a crowded Halloween store already, trying to coordinate anything was off the table at this point.

“I’m going as the devil!” Uncle Bob announced proudly pointing to his horns.

“Yeah Im pretty sure Phil is not going to be too excited about that.”

“Ah fuck Phil. He thinks hes hot shit with his whole goat yoga scheme right now. This is how a real lure is done!” the former clown gestured to the red and black suit he was wearing smugly.

“Did you…put paint…on your face?” Leech sniffed the air, it reeked of paint fumes.

“Yeah! Spray paint! It burns a little but man do I look good!”

“I think the fumes are going to your head old man” Robert folded his long arms over the spider logo on his chest.

“Jesus christ neither of you would survive a day as humans without my help.” Leech grumbled as the clowns began to argue once again. She ignored the inevitable chaos and got out her phone groaning loudly over the 6 missed calls from Freddy. No doubt they were about something Dracula had done. Robert yellped when Uncle Bob whacked him on the head with his plastic pitch fork. Leech debated taking a photo of them for later blackmail but decided she should probably find out what the hell happened to Freddy first. As she was about to call him back she doubled over in pain. Something just went wrong in her abdomen. Something she’d never thought she’d feel again.

------------

OH NOOOO what ever could it beee! Poor Leech she’s had to put up with so much today. Penny better try to make it up to her. 

[l1ve2r1se]

“The Room” is a fucking miracle. This misguided masterpiece subverts the rules of filmmaking with boundless enthusiasm that renders such mundanities as acting, screenwriting, and cinematography utterly irrelevant and boy does that make it my biggest guilty pleasure film EVER. When I first came across this, I had never been subjected to acting this mesmerizingly bad and writing so hypnotizing lame. Couple that with the inconsistency in pacing and tonal shifts, memorable dialogue that feels like it was written from a five year old, green screen effects that are constantly obvious and unconvincing, unconvincing characters, plot threads and pointless moments that lead to nothing, repetitive scenes and music looped at nausea and a shit-ton of other things I know I’m missing, it deserves its place as one of the worst movies ever made.... .....and yet, I had more fun watching this movie fall apart than Freddy Got Fingered so that’ll tell you something about my thought processing. There’s a large variety of unintentional humor that comes in every few seconds and as inconsistent as this film was, I never once got bored with it due to how it handles its transgressive nature and subversion of mainstream standards but during that ENTIRE process of reaching the bizarre inverted nirvana it’s at now, it had managed to obtain a cult status that is so bad, so atrocious, so fucking abysmal in every aspect of the word that it brings relevancy back to the term “It needs to be seen in order to be believed”. Very rarely do you make every wrong creative choice there is and it still manages to bring us so much joy and laughter. (at Gwinnett County, Georgia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-Pjf3nFPhS/?igshid=b2qbiw0es3ny

[crazydiscostu]

We all know the franchises. We all know what they’re capable of and we’ve had strong opinions on them both over the years (and their varying degrees of quality). The easter egg from 1990’s Predator 2 (when Danny Glover spied a Xenomorph skull on the predator ship) sent nerds everywhere into a speculative seizure. In a straight-up fight – who would win?? 

In the Year 2004 some genius decided to put them both together and find out…….

(Spoilers all up in your face!)

The result was an action film that should have changed the face of Science Fiction Horror. Hot on the heels of Freddie Vs Jason, AVP (Alien vs Predator)’s premise is simple enough : the Weyland Corporation has detected a heat source below the Antarctic ice. And it’s pyramid-shaped! Charles Bishop Weyland assembles a host of experts and mercenaries to investigate what could be the most significant ruins ever found. What they find there is a lot of dry ice machines and bad computer graphics. Little do they know that an Alien queen resides in the depths of that pyramid and 3 Yautja are on their way there to hunt Xenomorphs. “Whoever wins… We lose.”

There’s a lovely feeling of fuzzy 80’s nostalgia when we see the Weyland Corporation at the beginning of the film. It’s also a feeling of hope. This film has the potential to change cinema. 

Fifteen minutes into the film and they’ve already set up the dynamic and strong female lead Alexa (Sanaa Lathana, Blade’s mum) as an arctic guide with integrity and a charity to support, the expert Italian beefcake Sebastian (Raoul Bova) and the goofy sidekick Graeme (Ewan Bremner, Spud from Trainspotting) whose imminent death is telegraphed every time he mentions his kids or family back home.

Alexa

Chibbs

Budget Vasquez

The film also features Sands (Limitless, series), Chibs (Sons of Anarchy), Coach Wolf Stansson (D2, Mighty Ducks) and a character i can only refer to as Budget Vasquez. The choice to cast Lance Henriksen (the actor who played Bishop in Aliens) as Weyland is a nice touch as it ties back to that franchise. A move that is ultimately useless as this film is not canon to either franchise. Thinking now about Weyland’s character and his place within this story makes me think about a Walt Disney. Thousands of years from now when Disney literally own the air we breathe there might be a look-a-like Android trying to fight off aliens…..

From an editing/pacing standpoint, scenes are inserted in paint-by-numbers fashion. There is a briefing scene (which was later ripped off in 2012’s Prometheus). A mobilisation scene with a speech and a lot of people shouting “DO THE THING!”, “LETS GET MOVING!” and “GO GO GO!” for no reason. It’s got the bonding scene between 3 of the main characters. 

It’s easy to get lost in the background of this film, especially the lines thrown in under the radar. (For instance when the team stops before the whaling station the dialogue runs ambiguously : “Hold it guys ! Shut it down ! Keep those engines running!” 

Spud does an excellent job of derping his way through every scene while Alexa and Beefcake swan off to ram the exposition down the audiences throat, with Beefcake being a Mary-Sue when it comes to the history of cultures, hunting, aliens, hieroglyphics, astronomy/astrology, language…. Everyone in this film is an expert on every subject including Budget Vasquez (who only gets a mouthful of words throughout the whole movie) and the guy who looks like he’s a stunt double for James Spader in Stargate.

And that exposition is chewy. Plot progression is delivered about as subtly as Miley Cyrus riding a wrecking ball. When a red shirt says “A storm is coming” then you better believe that information will be important. 

And that is one of the biggest tells regarding this film : The characters. I’ve neglected to call Alexa the protagonist because that implies she would’ve had some depth or interaction with the plot when in fact we learn more about Weyland throughout this story. Alexa is as robotic as her Amazon namesake. But not in the performance – there was no effort to write the character in any other way. The same with every character in the film. No depth. Nothing for the audience to actually care about. Their deaths are literally meaningless and they are nothing but cardboard cut-outs to be knocked over.  

This wouldn’t be so bad if the film was self-aware and played up to it. Ideally if there was a red-shirt standing somewhere in the back of the room saying “do you really think you should be touching that? Seriously dude, what the fuck?”

Inconsistencies are running wild throughout the feature, not only with established rules of previous canon (Dont get me started when it comes to alien gestation periods), the passage of time, perspective and the films own dictated information. For instance Alexa was assigned the task of getting the team from the boat to the pyramid and then is suddenly in charge of the expedition. 

Visually the CGI and practical effects are inconsistent in quality. The Predators are built like linebackers and the Xenomorphs are built like rubber. The moments of CGI lend nothing to the fight scenes and only highlight the absurdity of the costumes (Not to mention the Wilhelm-esque whip sound FX during one of the major fight scenes). The exception to this being the alien queen which looks stunning. They promptly undo that positive point with questionable miniature work during the egg laying sequence. 

The ending lets this film down the most. The whole ‘Adventures of Human and Yautja’ angle is just. too. much. and at one point I honestly thought they were going to kiss. And then we’re teased with sequel-bait in the form of the Predalien. 

The comics. The novels. This film craps on all of it! The only truly enjoyable section of the film is when Beefcake is expertly mansplaining the history of the Yautja and we get to see thousands of Xenomorphs swarm a hunter. Or the very subtle nod to five-finger fillet that Weyland performs with a pen.

AVP is disappointing. The concept is fantastic but it was flawed in its inception. It’s all build up with no payoff. Certain elements of the comic translated to screen but obviously barely survived the rewrites despite it being based primarily on the novel.

PG13 was not the way to go with this one guys. Thank goodness Robocop vs Terminator is still pure. Next time lose the Face-Hugger bullet time.

https://crazydiscostu.wordpress.com/

        Alien Vs Predator (Film Review) We all know the franchises. We all know what they're capable of and we've had strong opinions on them both over the years (and their varying degrees of quality). 

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

So I was gonna do a couple more cavemen movie review tomorrow and tonight, but the two movies I was gonna review I haven’t see in a long while. Those movies were Caveman, starring Ringo Starr, which I actually saw last year but it was so unremarkable I never bothered reviewing it.

The other movie was Year One, which I haven’t seen in quite a long while, but... honestly, I remember thinking it was okay. It has Jack Black and Michael Cera at their Jack Blackest and Michael Ceraest for sure, but the premise - cavemen stumble through Bible scenes! - is novel enough and there’s a few good jokes if you can manage. And yet... it somehow wound up on Empire magazine’s list of the 50 worst films of all time.

You know what? I’m gonna talk about that list:

I have not seen every movie on this list, so I’m just gonna talk about the movies I’ve  seen, starting with #50.

50. Spider-Man 3: Alright, sos, I DO get why this is on here, and I don’t think this movie is good... but honestly, it’s not really BAD e ither. At worst, it’s a guilty pleasure, there IS a lot to like (and they do acknowledge J. K. Simmons as the very best part, part of a running thing on the list where they put a redeeming feature of the film).

Next up is 49. Showgirls: I watched this a while back, and frankly... yeah, it’s pretty bad. Mostly though it’s boring. I can get why this one is on here, though the camp value and cult following does make me iffy on giving it a pass; I think a major “so bad it’s good” factor should disqualify a movie from being considered one of the worst ever. A bad movie should be a film that just lacks any quality, even ironic quality.

The next film I’ve seen is #46: Howard the Duck. Again, this has a cult following a SBIG factor. I honestly don’t think this movie is awful, at least for the first half and up to the near-sex scene.

Next up is #43, which is Year One. I’m gonna skip it since I went over it up there, and it’s why I’m talking about this list; it’s really not that bad a movie. At worst it’s a mediocre Dumb & Dumber ripoff, at best it’s a  mildly entertaining biblical comedy.

#41 is Van Helsing, and this is easily one of the most baffling choices on the entire list. While it’s no masterpiece, Van Helsing is GOOD. Like, legitimately and unironically good as a cheesy crossover action movie. Hell, it was the best Castlevania film ever made.

#39 is Dungeons & Dragons, which is easily a SBIG masterpiece thanks to Jeremy Irons’ performance, and is a mildly entertaining fantasy film mess aside from that. I don’t think it deserves to be on this list for that reason.

Numbers 37 and 36 are Max Payne and Eragon, respectively. Both movies are fucking awful, and both deserve to be on the list. 33 is Ultraviolet, which is just a terrible, overdone action movie that helped me coin the term Sucker Punch Threshold (which is a “jump the shark” moment for suspension of disbelief in an action filmed, named after Sucker Punch, a film where ‘rule of cool’ is applied so liberally it sucks you out of everything).

32 is where they lose me again, because it’s The Spirit. This movie is fucking weird and a bit incoherent, but it’s silly, stupid fun at worst. I love the aesthetic of the film too, but obviously Sin City did it better.

30 is the original Scary Movie. Not the sequels, which got progressively worse by their own admission, but this one for spawning them. I think that’s unfair; this film is legitimately funny and has a lot of really smart and clever jokes. This is yet another good movie unfairly saddled with being on this list.

29 is Southland Tales. These days the movie has a cult following for being an absolutely nonsensical clusterfuck, because lord, this movie is bad, but if theres one thing it isn’t it’s boring. I can kinda see why this is on here, but really, it’s another SBIG film at worst.

#27 is Street Fighter. Not Legend of Chun-Li, the Raul Julia movie. Yeah uhhh fuck this list.

#25: is the 2nd Transformers film, and really, I get why people hate thi, I do. It’s pretty mediocre when compared to the first film and the third film - and both of those films are at least entertaining as dumb action films - but is it REALLY this bad? If you’re gonna put a Michael Bay film on a list like this, why not put on something truly offensive, like Pearl Harbor? This movie is just mindless stupidity.

23 is Freddy Got Fingered. I understand why it’s here, but as usual, it has a cult following for its SBIG nature. #18 is the mildly entertaining B-movie Dreamcatcher, a weaker Stephen King adaptation for sure but not one without merit; it’s at least somewhat entertaining in that cheesy B-grade sci-fi way. Plan 9, the Ed Wood disasterpiece, is at 16, and while I see why, again, there is plenty of entertainment to be found in how stupid this one is. SBIG factor, which is only exacerbated by the movie Ed Wood.

Catwoman is 15. It sucks really hard. It deserves to be on here. 14 is Disaster Movie. It really, REALLY deserves to be on here. But then we get to 11, which is Meet the Spartans, and this movie loses me again. Now Spartans is no masterpiece, it’s not even very good, but it is a guilty pleasure for me. But frankly I just take issue with anyone saying there’s a Seltzerberg movie worse than Disaster Movie.

10 and 8 are The Room and The Happening. The latter is easily one of the funniest b-movies ever made; the former is one of my favorite films for just how amazingly, astoundingly bad it is. The article even mentions the cult following of The Room, so again, can it really be called ‘the worst’ if it has a fandom based on how bad it is? People still like it, albeit for the wrong reason, and ‘worst’ feels like it should be something devoid of joy.

5 is Epic Movie. This one is another guilty pleasure, it’s definitely bad, but again... worse than Disaster Movie? Hell no. #3 is The Love Guru, and I’m not sure I’ve ever agreed with the lsit more, because that film was devoid of joy.

2 and 1 are Battlefield Earth and Batman & Robin. The former is the most hilariously bad sci-fi film ever made - the article even acknowledges that if watched as a comedy, it’s fantastic. And Batman & Robin is a film I legitimately find good and underrated; it’s an OTT and campy throwback to the West era doused in the neon and absurdity of the 80s with the sensibilities of the 90s. It’s a weird mish-mash not everyone will like, but calling this the worst movie ever is kinda laughable. To be fair, this list was made in like... 2008? So it’s not like they knew worse films would pop out later.

Still, this list ignored some REAL stinkers, like Chicken Little, Doogal, Friday the 13th Part V, Psycho (the remake, obviously), Christmas with the Cranks, Super Monster, Carnosaur, Teeth, Shark Tale, The Golden Compass, Leprechaun 4, Inkheart, Pearl Harbor, Child’s Play 3, Hounddog, Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie, and more truly shitty films I’m sure. It’s kinda lame.

I’ll be doing my own worst list soon enough, don’t you worry.