call-me-merlyn

[call-me-merlyn]

It has been 82 days since you left. A lot has changed except my feelings for you. I want you now like I wanted you then- all-consumingly, passionately, and forever. I want you forever and then some.

[call-me-merlyn]

If you stumble across this Tumblr again (even though I told you never to read it years ago), know that I have changed. That I still love you. That I still want you. That I would do anything for you. That I miss you. That the future is us and no one else.

[call-me-merlyn]

Verse 1]

Lover, I know you're weary

Eyes are tired from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Tiles are cold, so am I

[Chorus]

So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh

[Verse 2]

Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin

And I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be

[Chorus]

So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh

[Bridge]

And I can see you, I can feel you

Slipping through my hands

Oh and I can taste you, I can taste you

Slipping through my hands

[Chorus]

So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

My lover, please stay with me

My lover, please stay with me

[call-me-merlyn]

I watched old videos of us. From my birthday. From when I surprised you by coming home early from China. Of us doing mundane things. Holy fuck are we in love.

I feel broken. I feel devastated. I refrain from reaching out to you because I’m not supposed to. I just want you to come here for your birthday. At least that. At least let me have you for a little while. It would be nice; so nice. Wouldn’t it? To be in the arms of the one you love? In paradise?

I want you back and it’s like walking across shards of glass every day to want it. But I’m getting better at it. Funny how you started struggling with body image and I’m struggling with depression now. I get it. My room is a fucking nightmare and I cannot bear to get out of bed in the morning. Especially when I dream of you. Everything that used to be easy is hard.

The Sage suggested meds. I told her no. I told her I could do this on my own. That I didn’t need a prosthetic for my phantom limb syndrome. That if I am gonna do this, I have to do it alone.

And now, my belief in us is what keeps the nightmares at bay. Not you. And I’m not sleeping because you’re not here to touch me in the middle of the night, but the hope that I’ll share a bed with you again keeps me going. I rely 100% on me now. But every night around 3 am, I roll over to kiss you in my dream state only to wake up and realize you’re not there. Every. Fucking. Night.

I want you now as I wanted you then. Every piece of you with every piece of me. As I’ll want you for years to come. That was the FUCKING POINT. Come back... just... come back to me, okay? And you’ll never know another sad day. I swear to you.

And even though I have gotten to know me again, I need you to know. I need you to understand. You are the light of my life. You mean everything to me. I love you so much. Always and forever.

[call-me-merlyn]

To stay silent when my love and longing for you rages inside me like the world’s loudest storm is a new kind of agony I have never felt.

Torrential downpours of tears; lightning flashes with memories; thunder rumbles with the sound of your voice.

And I know that I have to stay silent. I know I have to let you be. But I don’t want to and I feel like if I don’t let the storm out, it will destroy me.

But you love me because I wasn’t silent. You love me because I made you feel like you’ve never felt before. You love me because I’m your soulmate. You love me because how could you not?

But you left.

And now my words have no audience but me.

And maybe I’m the only one who can appreciate them the way they ought to be appreciated.

And maybe someday soon you’ll listen to them again and let me bring this riotous storm back to your too-long placid heart.

But I have to stay silent.

I have to.

I have to.

I have to.

I have to.

But I don’t want to.

[call-me-merlyn]

Today I tried to sleep for 30 more precious minutes. I entered into that dream state of half awake and half asleep. In the background, my cat that is our cat rifled around in her litter box. My suggestible brain put me back in that sleep number bed with you in our Texas studio. I grumbled something and waited for your reply. When I didn’t hear you, I rolled to my left to kiss you and place my head on your chest. Visions of making love to you danced behind my eyes. When my head dropped down to find your warmth, I hit a cold pillow instead. In that instant, I awoke completely. In that instant, it all hit me again. In that instant, I knew I’d never sleep again the way I did next to you. You weren’t there. It’s just me and this bed made for two and the weight of it all wrapping me tighter than the blanket I clutched and cried into.

What I wouldn’t give to have it all again.

[call-me-merlyn]

You’re my future someone.

But you are still my future someone. Because I refuse to believe anything else. Because I bring riotous storms to your too-long placid heart. Because I send paroxysms of pleasure down your spine. Because I am the perfect partner; the perfect mother for your kids. And because I love every fiber of your mind, body, and soul with every part of mine.

[call-me-merlyn]

I found a list of my favorite things you ever said to me. I cried in a way that I haven’t since I was a small child- broken by my parents’ words, mistakes, and anger. I curled my knees to myself and remembered that I can do hard things. I started to wonder where we went wrong. Because my feelings for you never changed. But then I realized that was never the issue. These words I read now ring as true today as they did over the four years you wrote them. But I want them back. I want you back. I want pragmatism and growth. I want to talk about the hard things and work them through. But I can’t tell you that. I can’t tell you anything because you don’t want to hear it. Because you’re hurt and you want space. So if you stumble upon this blog- the one I told you not to look at all those years ago- I will let a few snippets of your words remind you. Mind you, these are 12 out of about 30.

1. Baby. I want the future with you. It just hit me so hard. I want the visions I have. I want us and I don't see that changing. We are the most beautiful couple I have ever encountered. Not just because we're both convinced the other is drop dead gorgeous, but because I see such magnificent potential in us, together. We are that rare couple that could actually have the dream life that everyone wants and fears is impossible or that they don't deserve it. Health, happiness, adventures, perfect children, successful careers, growth and excitement, cuddles, intellectual stimulation, respect for each other, kisses that leave us breathless, freedom, good friends that we both care about, a lovely home, a dorky dog or five, all the sex we can handle, our families coming together wonderfully, and true fucking love. I want it all with you and I believe that we can have it with all my heart. Ugh I want it and I'm so excited to build towards the future we want. With you. Every damn day, one day at a time.

2. Morning love. To build a home? I'll always like yours more. I'm binging your music this morning. Speaking of songs that make me cry. Night in shining armor? I love that whole analogy. Your words are one of my favorite things about you. I love the music that spills from your lips, whether you're singing or laughing or reading or teasing me. It's all heavenly music to my ears. I'm so proud to be your person, your once and future someone. I love you so much. The dark times have passed baby, you brought the light back into my life.

3. This one's hard to explain. I've never met someone who is such a clean harmony. Your identity, your character, is a beautiful, pure chord. Every interaction I have with you I hear that resonance, and the notes weave together perfectly. That chord resonates with who I am on such a deep level, and I could hear it from the very first moment we interacted. I want to listen to that chord every day, to hear it form your melody, day in and day out. Puzzle out it's layers and listen to you add more. And to play my own song to match yours, to create our own wonderful song in this life.

4. You elicit feeling so well with words, sometimes it makes me feel inadequate

The way you express yourself so effortlessly

Because I've always prided myself on communicating verbally

But it comes pretty effortlessly to me too

Especially when I talk about you

I know I keep coming back to this, I'm sorry

But it resonates so strongly with me

To imagine you as a song, chord, or melody

The way your music weaves with mine

Haunting, ethereal, and divine

You make my eyes and heart shine

With love and affection, at my most painful times

When I can't feel it about myself

You come to my house and put happy memories upon my shelf

I want to show you how much you mean to me

So that you will always see

You are my light

And in the middle of the night

When I roll over and feel your breath

On my neck, I don't fear death

Because a life next to you is a life worth living

The love I have for you is a love worth giving

5. I was watching How I Met Your Mother, and to be honest that show really means a lot to me. I'm not sure why I bonded it with it so hard, it feels kind of silly in retrospect, but I did. In the episode, the main character runs into the girl who left him at the altar for another man, and they talk about true love and who you choose to be with. And the guy has an open moment about his yearning for that special connection that people find so rarely. That spark between people that's so unique and magical when it occurs. The song Careful by Michelle Featherstone plays in the background. I'm sure you've heard it, and it just pulled at my heartstrings. Maybe listen to it as you read this? Bc I am as I write. It makes me think of you. I've said it before, and the words fall flat, but I'm so damn grateful for you. Every piece of you. The fractals, the perfectly formed little moments of unadulterated Merlyn, that come together to form this perfectly cohesive being of fucking light. You know me. And I don't like to admit that I falter, or that I need help from anyone. It goes against what I've been trained to be by my father, my experiences, and my own cynical nature. Before you walked into my life...I wasn't entirely happy. I was missing something. I could feel it. And it made me ache. I went looking for it everywhere, even though I wasn't sure what it would look like when I found it. But I knew how it would feel. And you... you rescued me. From my own damn self. I'm prone to loneliness for a number of reasons. I'm solitary. I like to be independent. I'm proud. I can be harsh and judgmental. I get exhausted by humanity. I can be very sensitive when I'm vulnerable, and I don't like to give more than a handful of people the power to touch my heart. But since you walked into my life? I don't have to look anymore. I have never felt such constantly genuine, gentle, fierce, and unselfish support from anyone. Not from my parents, not from friends, my cousins, my lovers. No one has ever looked at me the way you do. No one has ever been so unyieldingly loving. Every time I have trusted you with more of my heart and my self, you do your absolute best to make me feel valued and loved. No matter how that best manifested, I have always felt your effort. You are always careful with my heart. I used to carry around this utter, soul crushing feeling that I missed someone. Someone vital. But there was no one to miss. And I didn't know where to direct that desire for connection. I got lonely because I wanted someones company...that I didn't know. But since I met you, I haven't felt that even once. I have only rarely felt lonely, and even in those moments, it was because I fucking missed YOU. Your laugh, your touch, our connection. And that's such a revelation to me. To know the face of the person I feel I've been missing all this time. It's been you. I love you, Merlyn. You are an unparalleled treasure to me.

6. God damn it Merlyn, I have so much love for you. I'm so lucky to have you, the thought of losing you is a nightmare. I want late night quesadillas and then to push each other to eat right. I want to scoff at each other's baby names until we get to ones we both love. I want to be your shoulder to lean on, cry on, or try to dislocate with a kimura. I want yours to be the same for me (maybe without the kimura bit?) I want to sing duets with you and write stories on lazy Sunday afternoons. I want to make you grin and I want to make you bite your lip. I want to hear your breathing every night when I go to sleep. I want to put Tristan on my shoulders, have a debate with Chris, try to get your cat to like me. I want you to cuddle into me and let me hold you at night even when I get hot because you're the most precious fucking thing in the world to me. I want you to train with my dad and shop with my mom. I want to get drinks with your mom and laugh at your dad's dirty jokes. I want to travel with you, go jet skiing on tropical islands and throw snowballs at each other in the mountains. I want to walk around crowded cities with you until I get too anxious but you tell me to chill out and stop being such a baby about it. I want to hear my daughter call you mother. I want to see you spin like you did when I first walked you home. Nothing brings me more joy than the thought of sharing the little moments, the big moments, and everything in between with you. Nothing is worth jeopardizing that future for me. I love you with all that I am. Count on it.

7. I just read all your words top to bottom and they hit me hard. I've been looking at them as bits and pieces. One day, one note at a time, not a tapestry. All together in one sitting, I can just feel where your heart was, and maybe still is. I hope it still is in some ways, because I've never been loved like how you love me. Not with such admiration or surety. I've never been wanted the way you want me. It makes me feel simultaneously unworthy and determined to live up to your love. It breaks me to feel the pain in your pen strokes. I want to wrap you up in my arms and fend away anything that would ever make you cry. I hate myself sometimes for making you cry. It breaks me every time, a corruption of my purpose. Every time, to read the simple words "today was hard..." It rips me apart. I love, live to see you smile. To laugh with you. To make music with you, whatever the form. I'm sorry for all the pain I've ever caused you, my darling. It's never my intention. You are my most precious gift, and words fall short of expressing the breadth and complexity of my feelings for you. They boil down to what you've written over and over again though: I want this life with you. I want all the complications, all the routine days, all the late night phone calls, and the adventures. I want to walk around knowing we have the same last name. I want you. Endlessly I want you. I wish I could pull a fragment of that feeling out of my chest and give it to you just so that you'd understand. God I miss you. I love you. You are my partner, and I hope that stays true for the rest of our lives. I can't say it enough. You are everything to me. I want you to express every part of you, never stop, because I love them all. Every mellifluous note in your melodies, every word of poetry in your fascinating mind, every fierce moment on the mat, every tear that falls in your fragile, vulnerable moments. I want to be there. To give you love and to be the best partner I can be. For you. God I can never say enough

8. Kay I'm heading to bed so gonna write this out. It's difficult. Love defies definition by its very nature. Which is a paradoxical statement right out the gate but whatever. I started writing my response in a philosophical approach but it didn't feel right. There's no need to ramble about Forms or essence or any of that philosophy mumbo jumbo. All that matters is how you opened my eyes. I used to think that love was about passion above and to the detriment of everything else. I used to think that love and pain were joined at the hip, inseparable. I used to fear that love was a curse, a burden, a surrender. I used to think that to fall for someone was a trap, and that you were taking a terrible gamble by giving someone the power to destroy you. I used to think that relationships were ropes and that love was a noose. I used to think that love was jealous, demanding, forceful, combative. I used to think that love was sporadic and messy. I used to think that there was no true, sustainable happiness to be found. You've turned it all around. Hell, you've upended the board and thrown away the rulebook. You've shown me that love is a balance of passion and choice, that they should play off each other build each other up. One is useless without the other. Passion will burn you out, but so too can you drown going through the motions. I've been through both. You're the only one that has struck the balance with me. You've shown me that the only necessary pains from love are the growing pains. I've been given and dealt horrible wounds, been through wars. Our relationship is the only one in which both parties can put their weapons down. You've shown me that love is a tank of oxygen when you're drowning, a shoulder to lean on, an investment. Trusting you with my heart has liberated and empowered me. I believe that trusting me with yours has done the same for you. We use that understanding of each other to lend strength, to give joy, to protect. You've shown me that relationships are lanterns and that love is the sun. You lit up my world. You've shown me that love is generous, thoughtful, gentle, supportive. You've shown me that it's steady and pure. You've shown me that happily ever after isn't just in storybooks. It's attainable. We have an obligation to chase it. We've been given a gift. And I will be grateful for it for the rest of my life. I will cherish it. I will cherish you. You've given me everything. You are my true love. Goodnight I hope you sleep well

9. Darling, gorge yourself on my love

I pray to God that it’s enough

To fill you up and keep us above

The water line of that rising slough

Darling, gorge yourself on my heart

I pray to God it’s what you need

Ignore the pain in the darker part

Come home again to me to feed

Darling, gorge yourself on my mind

I pray to God it’s what you want

Those angry echoes you may find

Don’t let them drive you from this haunt

Darling gorge yourself on me

I pray to God I’m what you crave

I know I’m flawed but I can be

The one who saves you, the one you save

Oh darling, I’ll gorge myself on you

On your mind and body, heart and soul

So darling, gorge yourself on me too

To keep us human, keep us whole

10. I want us to be tethered by the sea, to back each other to the hilt, to paint the walls red with love, to get lost in the light. Baby I promise I will take true care of you, tell you that some things last, and know you better than your piano. Because you found me. You came out of nowhere, you made me fall in love with a single touch, and this ain't a haunted house no more. I can't take my mind off of you. Only you can help me to forget the terror that comes and goes in waves. You keep me warm, and I know that all will be well and we'll be just fine. So don't give up love. Three more months, flyin your way home to me. We'll be inches apart and even closer at heart. So send me your location, cause I'm jealous of the wind that ripples through your clothes. Put your eyes on me, and I know a place that we can get away. Say you won't let go, tell me it's real, and let's go somewhere only we know. We won't need to take our clothes off to have a good time, but I'll get the lights and you lock the door, cuz we won't leave that room til we both feel more. Cause I see it all without the lights. No one will ever see you the way my eyes do. You are something to behold. Elegant and bold, you are unforgettable. You are the fire and the flood. Last night I woke the fuck up, realized I never wanted anything so much as to drown in your love. If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell. I feel life for the very first time: love in my arms and the sun in my eyes. Ohh I fall apart, and I can't help falling in love with you. I still can't believe that I found love where it wasn't supposed to be. Right in front of me. At (college). I made a fumbling play for your heart, and the act struck a spark. I want to be with you for the rest of my life and beyond. No grave can hold my body down. I'll crawl home to you and go straight into your arms. I'm in love with all that you are.

11. You always wonder about the future. What makes you different from the others. There are infinite answers, but some of the biggest ones are that..you make me understand and feel things that people always say but never mean. Until you, I've never truly wanted all of someone. And I mean it when I say I want ALL of you. I am in love with every inch of you, every word that comes out of your mouth, every little habit, every quirk. I have wanted every piece of you in every moment that I've known you without fail. I have never adored anyone or anything so much. You are perfection to me. In the truest sense of the word baby. You make the cliches make sense. You make them feel not cliche. It's incredible. You make sense in my bones. I am so in love with you. I can picture nothing more glorious than a life with you. That's how I know you're the one. Because it's obvious. And when it's right, it should just he obvious. Easiest choice in the world.

12 Goodnight ____. I hope you sleep well. I really enjoyed hanging out and listening to you play tonight. I know you were half joking about how I should be paying you compliments, but your music abilities really are such a gift. It always makes me happy when you use them. You get this energy about you that’s so wonderful to see. I’m listening to your soundcloud stuff again now. Been a while since I’ve done that, haven’t had access to the account for a bit. I wish you had more of your stuff on here. It’s all so lovely. It always makes me think about us. You don’t seem to care for it much, but especially To My Future Someone. I hope I live up to all you dreamt I’d be when you wrote those words. I hope to the gods I’m the one you sang about. Because you are everything I ever wanted in a true love, and more. Things that I didn’t even know I needed. You’ve made me a kinder, much more grateful man. And a happier soul. You deserve the best in this world, and I’ll always do my utmost to be him. I’m so in love with you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, my light. Sweet dreams.

When did the thought of losing me stop being a nightmare? Because the hurt was never more than this. Never more than this love. You said in another snippet that you’d do anything to be the person I built a home with; you’d do your best to be the my person and to never hurt me. But you don’t want to be with me. And you chose your nightmare over your dreams. And I still choose you. I still chose you every second of every fucking day. It was my nightmare too and I’m living it.

But, I’m changing. I’m harder now. The tears don’t fall quite as easily as they used to. And at least I know who I am now. I am a warrior. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am new. Don’t think 8 weeks can change someone?? Come see me again. I’ll show you exactly who I’m not anymore. The only thing that hasn’t changed is my love for you.

And if you want to lose these words and this love, so be it. I won’t fight you. I won’t fear you or that anymore. I don’t want to be the only one fighting. I can’t. And I won’t be afraid of my worst nightmares because they have come true and even though I pray I won’t lose you, nothing in this life is certain. If you don’t want to fight, I will be someone else’s light someday. And I will shine unashamed; unabashed; strong and sure. I will bring beautiful children, music, and love into the world. But until then, I’ll be my own light, and set my darkness aflame every morning, just as I have since the day you left. After all, there’s not much darkness left anymore.

[call-me-merlyn]

Here’s something I wrote for him awhile ago. How I wish I could ask for it again.

Excuse Me-

I know you’re

weary

and

star-studded sleep

glitters behind your closed eyes.

I know you’d be much more

peaceful-

had I not wrapped my cold fingers

Around your warm bicep

And given it

A gentle shake.

You stir softly and mumble with

The breath of the world

I’ve taken you from-

I am sure you were dreaming

of roses

or sunsets

or dragons

and castles- or

maybe me,

But you must excuse me-

For I woke you

to ask:

May I trouble you

for just one more kiss?

[call-me-merlyn]

I’m tired of listening to voices that bring me down. Maybe I’m just tired. Who knows? But this way of thinking feels better, so I’m gonna keep doing it.

[call-me-merlyn]

Life is too short to not be anything other than blissfully grateful and in love with the wonderful experiences you have lived. I am learning so much about myself and my life through therapy. I told my mom. I finally fucking told her. It felt like I lost 400 pounds. I feel so different. So strong. Like I can get through anything. And Atlas? No, we aren’t together right now. But I believe we will be. It’s time to fix those foundational cracks we have— turns out they weren’t so much between us. They are within ourselves. And yeah, it hurts like nothing I have ever been through before. But I’m still here. Still alive. Still able to crack a smile and sing. I’m writing again. No matter what, I will be okay. Because I am incredible. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of this relationship and his love. I am worthy of mine. And anyone and everyone else’s. I am a badass. And no matter what, I will come out stronger than I have ever been because that is what I do. I perservere. I will NOT stop becoming the person I needed to become long ago. This confident, smart, beautiful, worthy woman who can do hard things. I have to take comfort in the things I do know and cease worrying about the things I don’t. Tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem. It is okay to live in muddy water. I am so proud of myself, I’m so in love with with myself. I am so eager to see who I will be in a year, 5 years, and 10 years from now. I will not stop this journey. I don’t think anyone should.

Though I am proud and motivated by this journey, it doesn’t mean that I am not heartbroken. That I don’t fall apart sometimes. It is hard working on yourself and holding up a mirror to those dark parts you have tried to cover in velvet for so long. It’s hard to stop sweeping under the rug when you are used to making excuses for yourself and everyone around you. But I will only be better for it. A better person, mother, and partner. Though I hope Atlas and I will end up together with all my heart, I know that I will be happy and have a beautiful family and a blissful and passionate love because I refuse to have anything else. I refuse not to meet those goals. You know, Atlas has a lot to change as well. We BOTH made mistakes and we both hurt each other deeply. I know I have been thinking about my mistakes for awhile now. And I am so sorry for them. But I do not know if Atlas has realized his. After all, his journey has yet to begin. I hope he finds what he is looking for, and that his path leads back to me. Because we can do hard things- individually and collectively. And we are soulmates.

-Merlyn

[call-me-merlyn]

The other day

We talked

For three hours

And you feel

The same way

That I feel

And you

Cant wait

to see me

And I cant wait

To see you.

I dream

Of touching

Your skin

You want me

You love me

You miss me

I am

Your

Soulmate-

Words straight from

Your own

Lips.

I want

To fix things-

Words straight

From mine

I hope

Against all hope

That when I see

You

You will want

The same things

Too.

I prayed to gods

I havent spoken to

In years

I hope they listen

And lead you

Back

To me

-Merlyn

[call-me-merlyn]

Fuck who I used to be. This girl who was equal parts immaturity, insecurity, and morbid curiosity. She hurt you; she hurt me. I finally set the real me free.

I’m not her anymore. Not since you walked out the door. I refuse to be who I was before; I wish you could see that I am sure. That this is permanent, that I know my path, that I am changing, of my love for you, of more.

I meant it when I said just your lashes could inspire works of art. That your breath is enough to stop my heart. That your lips and your touch break me apart. That to be with you is like a a fresh start.

Dear god, the writing below makes me sick. The writings of the old me- they’re so fucking thick. I wrote things I didn’t mean; burned shit straight to the wick. Just like I said things I regret when we fought- far too quick. I know know they were the product of a trick that my mind played on me, and it fucked with us, Nick.

No I don’t love him or think about him, that blonde guy I knew. He didn’t matter then, or now, but i guess I wanted him to... because I was scared I was too inexperienced, or unworthy, or vanilla for you. You are my soulmate, and he was just a shoe that I mistook for something else- but he is just my anger, and so with me, he grew.

Fuck this breakup, fuck this hurt. Fuck the fact that I still want to sleep in your shirt. It still smells like you and clings to my skin like morning dew clings to fertile dirt.

I love you, you know that, and you love me as well. What will become of us, we all ask, well, only time will tell. I love you more now than that first day I fell- for your flaws and your triumphs- can’t you hear me yell? Put yourself back to that moment when I screamed it to the void- my voice carried like a ringing church bell. And I knew in that moment, I swear I could tell, we are made for each other and we’ll make it through this hell.

-Merlyn

[call-me-merlyn]

Last Night

Last night I dreamt about you again. And you looked just as you looked then- with golden hair and cut-glass eyes that always saw through the darkest parts of me. You held me last night, in your arms, and you felt just as you did then- smooth, warm, safe. You held me in your arms while I slept upside down in someone else's bed. While he lay next to me- the sound of his slumber kissing my ears; I dreamt of you... As I far too often do.

Last night I looked at you for the first time in a long time and told you that it had been two years- that I was with someone else now and very happy. I remember thinking that there must be no one else on planet Earth who knows each crevice of your freckled skin as well as I do... As well as I did. I waded away from you and you sent water into a riotous mess in a fury to catch up. You told me that I wasn't happy with this man of mine. You grabbed me by the shoulders and held my gaze with pink parted lips and those firm hands I remember so well- from the hours they spent exploring my body. I told myself that I would not cheat on the man I love. That I would never cheat on anyone. I remember saying "no" over and over. I remember the way the temptation smelled exactly like you.

Last night you tried to kiss me, and I will admit with shame that I fought with little resistance. Your lips tasted of saltwater as they twisted into a wicked grin. Your hands were sure as they worked to remove my clothes. My brain knew it was all wrong... It knew that I wasn't meant to be with you. It knew that I wasn't being constricted in your arms, but rather, I was intertwining my legs subconsciously with the man next to me in a world somewhere else. My warped dream-heart mistook this man's gentle, loving warmth for your own. And I sunk deeper in that clear pool that you held me in- water filled my lungs, and my hands ached with touching you. My eyes, the color of thunderstorms, became misty at the thought that I might once again give myself to you. Every part of me knew this moment couldn't and shouldn't be- save the one piece of my heart that never healed. A piece all too powerful.

I must have poured torrential sheets of tears; I must have thrashed with lightning- for when I awoke this morning, my eyes were swollen shut and my body ached with abuse. I do not remember much more than this feeling. A feeling that somehow you took something from me again. A feeling of not being okay. A feeling that no matter where I am or whom I’m with, somehow there's still no escaping your grasp.

- Merlyn

[call-me-merlyn]

What We Are Built On

In the beginning,

I thought we would have been built on stone. 

Strongest stuff there ever was- able to withstand any storm; 

But we weren't. 

You get upset that I question.  You get upset when I worry that you might take something back.  You get upset when I waver in my decisions.  But, what we are built on is what dictates the rest.  I built my love for you cleanly- I never took a word back; I never faltered in it.  I never touched another man; I never let someone else come between us.  But you did.  

Your “I love you,” was the sound of your tenth shot hitting the glass; and yet, I was so touched by the words that I pretended they didn’t taste like stale whiskey.   Your “I love you” came after I left you naked in the shower with two other women, crying to myself thinking ‘what have I done?’  And you were just mad that I had left.  You stayed a long time in that shower.  Long enough for me to grab all my clothes, walk out the door, and get halfway down the block before coming back just to tell the only sober person there that I had left.  She calmed me down in time for you to stumble into the room and yell the three words I had waited to hear for months in my face.  

You said them because we argued and a part of you knew I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay.  

fats forward to the next morning- there you are, tangled in your bedsheets.  And there I am, just looking at you as I pull on a pair of pants- wondering how I should phrase what I wanted to say. 

“So... Last night... do you, um remember what you said to me?”

“What part?” My heart sank so deeply I was worried it would be burned by the Earth’s core.  And there it was.  The first crack in the stone.  You couldn't say it to my face.  Couldn't say it to me sober.  Couldn't say the three words you found at the bottom of a bottle nearly eight hours before.  Three words that I could find every moment of every day for you.  In that moment, I would have rather you plunged a knife in my side than told me you loved me.  I wish I could, but I will never forget that pain.  I will never forget the way your eyes glazed over.  I will never forget the way you took something that meant everything to me and marred it with a bottle of liquor.  

We fixed things, though.  As we always do.  Fast forward in time to a place where we are actually happy again.  A place where we love each other fully and unconditionally.  But there is a girl.  A girl who rests her head on your shoulder,  and sits on your lap, and takes up a seat next to you on the couch, leaving me to sit alone.  A girl who tells you she loves you, that your opinion matters more than mine, that orchestrates problems and causes fights, and plays both sides. And she is not me.  A girl that I used to love very much.

But you won't listen.  You won't listen to me, or your parents, or my parents, or any outsiders.  she can't be in love with you.  She doesn't have an ulterior motive.  She is just different.  So you sleep in her bed because she's your friend.  And you keep secrets from me about calling your ex.  You take her out to dinner to places we've never been.  You buy dinner for her; you never buy me dinner.  She gets dressed up.  Was her smile because she got to be me for a little while?  I still wonder.  You break my trust that summer.  Over and over.  And yet, somehow you find way to make it my fault.  You find a way to make your poor judgment calls my fault because I  didn't say what I meant to you.  All the while I was wondering what I even meant to you.  Another crack in the stone. 

And here we are now, better than ever.  Free from all that binds us.  And I have had some time to reflect.  I have said for so long that I want to marry you.  Soon.  As soon as I can.  I want nothing more than to spend my life with you.  And it is true.  I want nothing more than that.  But what will that life be like?  Will we be happy?  Or will our stone crack some more? Are you sure you want to be with me?  Are you sure we can fill the cracks and smooth the stone?  Are you sure that you love me?  Are you ready for me to be the only woman you share a bed with for the rest of your life?  The only woman you are intimate with?  The only woman you choose? 

Because I am.  i want all of that.  I want all of that and more in the next few coming years.  But I don’t want cracks.  If nothing more, this place has taught me that I cannot be hurt again like I was at the very first I love you.  I cannot and will to share you with another woman.  I will not be okay if there is intimacy with someone who isn't me.  

These things sound demanding in my head, but they're not.  Its just respect; it is trust.  I wouldn't ever do something like that to you so why would you to me.  Why did you do it to me?  Did my heart not mean something to you then?  How did you manage to crack it when we were falling in love?  You told me privileged information that you wouldn't tell anyone else; and then found your courage to tell people who didn't really matter to you at the bottom of a bottle.  A bottle for the words.  Careful; when you tip a bottle it will spill.  And you wonder why I worry about you drinking.  Look at the hurt it has caused me.  A year and a half later and I still feel the sting.  Why didn't you respect me, Atlas?  Why didn't you care enough about me to stop.  Why couldn’t you tell me in the morning, and furthermore, why couldn't you tell me for weeks after?  Is it because you are settling? Or is it something more?

At the end of the day, we all fuck up.  To know me is hardly golden.  I have made a million mistakes and they are still counting. I love you.  With everything that I am.  Nothing in the world would be right if we weren't together.  I have always felt and will always feel this way.  

Will you?

[call-me-merlyn]

I don’t know why I am here. 

I mean, I do, but... 

I would so much rather be there.  The last few days I have found my comfort in loneliness.   Crying is my new favourite hobby- instead of watching rivulets of rain race down my window pane, instead I feel my tears, betting on which will hit the ground first. 

No one seems to notice it.  I’d all but drown if it weren't for the saving graces I find in unlikely people- people I have wronged before, and yet, people who understand me at times better than I understand myself.  They tell me I’ll feel like this.  That it won’t be much longer now.  That I’ll return to the things I love in time.  They don’t understand because they don't know what it is like to be me.  Especially when they are right in the middle living the exact life I wish to be right now.  They don’t know how to feel me.  To know me.  To them it is a simple task to put on clothes and get out of bed.  To me- eyes swollen from the fight I had last night with my boyfriend over things he doesn’t understand, still clutching the teddy bear that no longer smells like him, mentally preparing myself to walk on the street where the same five dirty men will look at me with lust in their eyes- sometimes for me it is just fucking impossible.  But I do it anyway.  Because I am a warrior, right?  Because he and his family and everyone who loves me would be disappointed if I didn't.  Because I have to change.  Because right now I am not the person any one wants to spend a life with. Because if I don't what is there? 

Because I do at least five impossible things every day.  The last being having the courage to go to bed when the night sky is the only thing close enough to mirror my heart. 

But, as I have said, I have gotten used to the loneliness.  I have been used to it since I was fourteen.  I make myself laugh and dance in my underwear when no one is around so that these four months aren't all for naught.  Half the time I don't even know what I miss.  Perhaps I just miss me.  I draw a lot- women smiling in ways I have forgotten how to.  I write stories- just so that he won't write me off completely.

But what is this? I don't want to feel this way more than anyone else wants me to.  But I do.  And I can't seem to shake it.  Do I even miss anything at all?  Do I feel anything at all?  Honestly I feel shallow; hollow.  My hearth is nothing but a few glowing embers until the last one of them dies out too.  If I weren’t honest, I’d tell you that I feel supported.  That I feel understood and cared for.  If I were honest, I would tell you that the only person who has made me feel any better is me. And the ones who make me laugh instead of cry.  The ones who don't get angry at me for coping.  The ones who don't try and make rules for the sadness. 

I lived in that world too long.  

But every moment in life is a journey, and a precious one too.  I don't want to wish away days of my life because i miss the smell of home.  I don't want to waste 4the limited number of hours I have left on this Earth crying over something or someone else when there is a world of foreign beauty right outside my door.  These are the most magical years of my life.  Why waste them?

Which brings me here- to the end of my stream of consciousness.  Maybe I have been looking at life and fast tracking too much.  Perhaps I will make myself another coffee and watch the passersby.  And maybe, I will change too. 

[call-me-merlyn]

Knowing me, knowing you.