#It's not like the isolation is having an effect on my mental stability or anything

[honey-riley]

Love You To Death || S.R.

WARNINGS: Military themes, guns, weapons, violence, detailed gore, mentions of Simon's past.

A/N: This contains an OC :) her name is Honey Tailer (my user is after her 🫡), she's German, so I hope you brought your google translate or other translators. There are more descriptors of her in the story itself <3

A/N pt.2: I'm learning German, and for most of the dialog in German, I use a translator. So, if anything is incorrect in German, don't behead me pls.

wc: 5.9k

1 || 2

War.

That's all that ever ran through him. A traumatized, mean, brooding war machine. Ever since he was little, that's all he could remember. The war within his household, the constant abuse that his father passed around. The constant abuse he endured as a child had profound and lasting effects on him. It shaped his worldview, eroded his sense of self-worth, and left him with deep emotional scars that manifested in his brooding and mean demeanor. The war within his household became the war within himself, and it consumed him every day.

He had never truly felt warmth. Sure, he had happy moments, moments where he could forget the trauma, moments where the gray cloud looming above him would clear. But only for a moment. He was human after all. The impact of his traumatic childhood on his relationships was profound. He struggled to form deep connections with others, always keeping them at arms length, afraid of being hurt again. His fear of vulnerability and his need for control made it difficult for him to trust and open up to others, resulting in a cycle of loneliness and isolation.

Riddling himself with routines, sticking to schedules, running everything in a timely, comfortable manner is what he loves. What he thrived on. It was something that he knew he could rely on. Every morning, he would wake up at the exact same time, following a strict routine that he had meticulously planned out. From the moment he opened his eyes to the moment he closed them again at night, every minute of his day was accounted for. He found solace in the predictability of his schedule, as it provided a sense of control and stability in a chaotic world. His routines became his lifeline, a way for him to regain some semblance of order in his life and protect himself from the unpredictable nature of human interactions.

So, the day that someone broke that routine for him, that was a day that he was going to remember.

Preparing for a mission, he went in with his normal routine - shower, get his gear on, put the mask on, prepare mentally, head to base, scan in, have breakfast, pack his tactical vest, check his gear, clean his weapons, and head out to the chopper by 0400.

This time, when he got to the chopper, there was a new face. Striking green eyes, long black hair that was slicked back into a regulatory military bun, fair skin, and God, was she short. Standing at four feet, eleven inches, just barely meeting the height requirements.

"Lieutenant." Laswell nodded as he approached. "This is Sergeant Honey Tailer, hope you don't mind her joining you today." She added with a smile. Ghost stuck his hand out for Honey to shake, which she accepted, giving him a firm shake back.

He took in her appearance one more time, noting her black, polished boots, her uniform, which wasn't digital camo, but more like spotted camo. She had a German flag on her shoulders and on her tactical vest.

"My pleasure, Lieutenant." She smiled softly, her German accent apparent in her words. It wasn't strong, it was subtle, she sounded like she had been speaking English her entire life - but she hadn't.

"It's great to meet you, Sergeant." He nodded, releasing her hand.

"Honey's going to be your DM for today. She'll provide surveillance, make sure you guys keep your heads." Laswell grinned as she looked over at Honey. DM, or designated marksman, was a good position to be in - a position that they needed in the team.

The team then loaded into the chopper, strapping into their seats. Honey's rifle sat on her chest, the barrel pointing to the tin floor of the chopper as she looked out of the window. She stared off, lost in thought, devising a plan on how she would go about this. It was an in and out mission, quick and easy - if things went according to plan.

Honey would provide recon and examine from a distance, while the team went in, gathering intel, hopefully going undetected, then Soap would plant the bombs, they would all get back onto the chopper, where Soap would detonate them.

"You'll do just fine, kid." Price's gruff voice snapped her out of thought as he patted her on the shoulder. Honey shot him a small, tight lipped, slightly nervous smile. She was used to this kind of stuff, but to work with a team she had never met, find her groove all over again, and to do it in time, was nerve wracking.

"This isn't your first time, right?" Ghost grunted as he looked over at her, his voice deep, almost like a growl.

"No, sir. I've been deployed multiple times." She replied with a nod.

Ghost took that in an almost snooty, stuck up way. Like she was so young, and she had all this experience, and she sounded like she was bragging about it. That irked him.

Instead of saying anything, he stayed quiet, crossing his arms over his chest. To pass the time, Honey put her AirPods in, and turned on some music, letting out a small sigh as she leaned back into her chair.

There was something about her that Ghost didn't find appealing. Something about her annoyed him, but he couldn't tell what it was.

The metallic sound of her ring clanking against her rifle as she tapped her fingers to the beat of the song she was listening to only made his annoyance grow.

"Wha' song are ye listenin' to?" Soap asked, nudging her.

"Oh, Love You To Death by Type O Negative." Honey said, looking over at him with a small smile.

"Damn, gothic stuff." Soap chuckled, cuing Honey to nod. "Yer pal, Ghostie over there loves that kind of music." Soap chuckled, nodding towards Ghost, making him let out a small scoff.

Not only was Honey now annoying him, she also had the same taste in music? That felt like it wasn't going to fly with him for whatever reason. He was already annoyed that his routine had been disrupted, and now, her presence alone annoyed him more.

"Alright, team. We're landing in Verdansk, just to refresh, you are to take out Makarov. He's in a highly guarded area, with plenty of people surrounding him." Laswell said over the comms.

"Copy." Honey replied, letting out a small sigh. She was the one who was tasked with disturbing the hive - taking out Makarov. She had already been filled in on why they needed him dead, and all the other necessary things such as his identity, where he would be at, his rank, what he looked like.

Once the chopper landed Price divided everyone into partners, and one trio. Ghost and Honey were tasked with surveillance. Ghost was Honey's spotter.

'I'm gonna be stuck with this annoying, snooty, stuck up bitch?' Ghost thought to himself. He kept his opinions inward, thankfully. Usually, with new recruits, he was very vocal about his disdain for them. This time, he kept his mouth shut, just wanting to get the mission done quicker.

Honey established a sniper's nest, and laid on the roof of the building opposite of where the team would be infiltrating.

"What's the drag?" Honey whispered, looking through her iron sights, ready to set her rifle up.

"Not a clue." Ghost grunted as he looked through the scope of his own rifle, adjusting accordingly. He did know, he just wanted her to struggle a bit, make her more 'human' in his eyes.

"You're no help." Honey muttered under her breath, looking down her iron sights again. She glanced over at Ghost for a moment, turning to her own rifle, contemplating something.

She deftly reached over, sliding the scope off of his rifle.

'Now she's trying to fuck with my gear?' Ghost scorned in his own mind. He looked over at her, his brows furrowed under his mask before he snatched his scope back, sliding it back on.

"Du erzeugst ein Glitzern." She growled, taking it back off.

"English." Ghost muttered under his breath, starting to get pissed off.

"You're creating a glint. There's people in that building that can see you because of your scope." She growled, looking over at the moon for a second before looking back at him. She subtly lifted her hand, pointing at the opposing building, and indeed, a faint reflection from the scope could be seen if you knew where to look.

He let out an audible scoff, rolling his eyes. He adjusted his rifle, getting used to just using his iron sights.

"It's a 42 meter separation, the wind is blowing south-east. We're facing north-west. The wind is 6 knots. Light breeze." He replied, telling her what she would need to adjust her rifle.

"Any visuals on Makarov?" Laswell said through the comms.

Honey glanced through a pair of binoculars for a second, seeing Makarov working at a table in an empty room, his back turned to the window.

"Positive. Black, short hair, suit, I can't tell how tall he is, but Ghost can verify that it's him." Honey replied through the comms. "It's him, Kate." Ghost muttered into the comms. "Permission to take the shot?" Honey asked Laswell.

"Granted." Laswell replied.

Honey put down the binoculars and Ghost picked them up, ready to watch Honey shoot Makarov.

Honey lined up her shot, calculating the drag, and the possible path that the bullet would take once it hit the glass. Doubt nibbled at the edges of her mind, raising its voice as her finger hovered over the trigger. But she pushed it away, reminding herself of the countless hours of training. She took a deep breath, pulling the rifle tight to her shoulder, holding her breath so that the shot was steady. She loaded her chamber, taking the rifle off of safety, and slowly squeezed the trigger.

Ghost's heart raced. He felt a pang of jealousy, mixed with a swirl of emotions. 'This should've been mine,' He thought, his chest tightening. 'This is my team. What does she think she's doing, muscling in on my territory?' His fists clenched around the binoculars, sweat dripping from his temple.

The bullet shattered through the glass, sending a gory red mist into the air as Makarov's head exploded. Ghost's jaw clenched as his anger bubbled, the realization of what just happened setting in.

Honey laid her rifle down, staying on her stomach as she glanced over to Ghost. She could see the tension in his body, the balaclava clinging to his face with each heavy gasp for air. Unsure of how to respond to Ghost's obvious displeasure, she gave him a small, tight lipped, reassuring smile.

Ghost glared back, his eyes filled with the intensity of his rage. 'She's taken everything from me,' he thought. 'I can't let her win. I can't let her take this from me too.'

In the aftermath, the team sat in stunned silence, their gazes fixed on the lifeless body now sprawled on the floor. The reality of their success hung in the air, a weighty, shared accomplishment that lingered, tainted by Ghost's bitter resentment. This was a man that they had been tracking for years and Honey came in and shot him like it was nothing. Like it was the easiest thing in the world. And God, that smile afterwards pissed him off so much more.

'What the fuck is she doing? This was supposed to be my job. What the hell does she know about shooting?' Ghost fought with himself internally. He hated this. He ha=ted everything about her.

The pair watched as the team infiltrated the room, occasional gunfire sounding through the air. Honey watched as Soap went in, took a laptop and all the needed files, planting a few bombs on his way out.

Honey stood up, grabbing her rifle, unloading the chamber and putting it back onto safety. Ghost stood up as well, grabbing his own rifle, storming his way back down the flight of stairs to the ground floor.

"Ghost." Honey said as she followed him, her rifle slung over her back. He didn't bother waiting for her, or even listening to her. He silently stormed his way back to the chopper, getting in, and buckling himself up.

Honey set their things back where they belonged on the chopper, ensuring that nothing would fall out. There was an awkward silence as they waited for the rest of the team to get back to where the chopper was. Nikolai sat in the cockpit.

"How was the mission? You finally nail him?" Nikolai grinned, his thick Russian accent apparent in his words as he looked back through the door, glancing at Ghost.

"Honey did." Ghost muttered, his fists balled under his biceps as he crossed his arms. "Her shot was just luck." He added, looking outside of the chopper, avoiding eye contact. He knew it was more than luck - it was skill, but he didn’t want to admit it.

Honey winced at his words, looking over at him, her eyes narrowing slightly. She glanced away, keeping her eyes off of him. She had always been doubted. She had worked her entire life for this moment, and the entire time, she had been doubted. She didn't know why it even hurt at this point - she should've expected it. But, she was going to stand up for herself for once - even if it didn't work.

Honey looked at him, her brow furrowing. "Luck?" She asked, her voice slightly hurt. "I took the damn shot, calculated it. I did everything I needed to. And it's just luck? I’ve worked my entire life for this, I’ve worked my ass off. Making sure that I could make a damn shot." She added. Honey wanted to get frustrated, she wanted to argue, but she took a deep breath, keeping her mouth shut.

Ghost's jaw dropped slightly at her response. His glare softened, his unwavering anger faltering for the first time. He didn't know what to say to counter her words, her confidence - and for once, he found himself at a loss.

'All of my years of practicing, honing, just for it to be chalked up to luck? Fuck this guy.' Honey thought to herself, letting out a sigh. She wanted to be on this team, she had worked for it for years. She wanted to be on the top - the best of the best, and this was her chance. She wasn't going to ruin it.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the rest of the team getting into the chopper, carrying files, laptops, and USB sticks. Everything that they could get their hands on that could be important, they took.

"Let's watch this puppy blow." Soap chuckled as he buckled into the chopper. Nikolai lifted the chopper off the ground, getting it a distance away before Soap pressed the button, making the entire building explode and collapse in on itself.

Honey watched as the orange and yellow flames licked the air, huge billows of smoke and debris shooting up into the air.

"Christ." Honey murmured, watching the smoke shoot up. The blast wave then hit the chopper, making it sway and vibrate. Nikolai quickly corrected, starting their flight back. The flight back to base was almost silent, everyone processing what had just happened, and why it had happened.

'Why was Honey the one to kill Makarov? Why was this new recruit the one who got to end the man we had fought to kill for years? And why was it so easy for her?' Ghost was furious at the thought of it.

'Why did she get the pleasure? The satisfaction?'

When they got back to base, Ghost just wanted to get his report filled and then think things through in his quarters, but of course, Laswell had other plans.

"You and Honey are bunking together." Laswell said as she opened the door to his quarters. Honey stood behind Laswell, her bag slung on her shoulder as well as a few other things in her hands - two pillows and a blanket.

"What about Soap?" Ghost asked, looking over at the other bed in the room - the bed where Soap slept. That side of the room was blank, Soap moved rooms.

"Soap bunked with Gaz. We don't have another room for Honey, so she's going with you." Laswell said, turning around and walking away. Honey came in quietly, her steps silent.

She placed her things on the bed, avoiding him. She busied herself with the task of getting her things set up - making the bed, putting her things in her dresser and closet.

"There are rules here." Ghost grunted as he watched her, his attention drawn away from his paperwork.

"Keep your shit on your side of the room, keep it clean, keep it neat, and don't talk to me." He added. Honey didn't do anything but nod as she folded her clothes. Pajamas, uniforms, dress uniforms, civilian clothes - they were all put away neatly.

There was something about her, something that kept his attention away from his paperwork. Something that kept him from focusing. Maybe it was the rage towards her, maybe it was the envy - there was something. Something that he hated. Something that Simon despised. Ghost hated it more.

What do we think of the first part, y'all? Do we love it? Hate it? Eh? Lmk what I can work on as well! My ask me is still open :))

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Jin and Taehyung Dynamic Reading

Now to this requested duo for this week. I actually don't remember much of this bod, maybe except that one little argument they had for the concert. I was going to look up clips of them but decided to go in neutral and see what I get here. So, let's take a look. Okay, this energy is interesting, especially on Tae's end.

Overall energy: So, three cards came out in my astrology deck. I did keep one, but the other two cards that came out make sense with the spread I got as well, so they got the House 4 card, this is about home, comfort and family. I feel they do see each other as family and they are very comfortable with one another. They also got the House 2 and Saturn card. I think this shows they both enjoy the lavish lifestyle and understand the hard work and struggle it takes to get it. They both may relate on that level.

Now, they also got the King of Pentacles, which goes along with the House 2 and Saturn card. They are both businessmen looking to achieve financial gain and stability. They are both about that money and material wealth at the moment. These cards don't give me a close connection, but there is a comfort, family unit they do have. I do believe they are both on the same wavelength of finding ways to make money and be successful. I am getting they both can be stubborn, so that can have an effect on their dynamic at times.

Jin's energy: I feel like Jin is fair when it comes to Taehyung. He seems pretty levelheaded and objective in this dynamic. He is able to learn and grow when it comes to Taehyung, so although in the overall energy they can be stubborn. I can see him yielding a bit more and being more understanding of Tae. I think he is very good at seeing his point of view on things.

He may kind of shift his personality a bit to fit with Taehyung's energy. Not to be fake, but he does it to better work with Taehyung. This is hard to find the words. Jin doesn't communicate well sorry. He got the Shape-shifter card and this is someone who can evolve and adapt to different situations, so he could be good at that when it comes to Taehyung.

He got the Empress card, so he has a Mother energy, loving and nurturing energy when it comes to Taehyung. He may be protective of him as well. And tends to his needs when need be. With this 10 of Swords reversed, hard to understand reversals, but it came out that way, so took it that way. Jin may be the type to repress or move past things that mentally strain him. He may not share his darkest troubles with Taehyung. He likes to protect him, so he may not want to burden him with his struggles. This goes along with the Page of Swords rv, which gives me a lack of communication or sharing details with someone.

There may be a lot of things he knows that he may not share with Taehyung. I also see him not really learning anything or gathering information about Taehyung. With this 5 of Pentacles, once again, this gives me someone who isolates themselves and doesn't seek help or support from others, so he kinds of keeps his burdens to himself. He may not seek him for support very much. I guess this makes sense with him being the oldest and not wanting to burden him.

So, his guidance is the Turkey spirit with the message give with gratitude and grace. This card may be urging him to show more appreciation for Tae and maybe share more that he appreciates him. And to give more of himself to him. It seems Tae may give more, and Jin holds back, understandable, but this card urges him to prcatice the art of giving to another.

Whew his energy is hard to gather information from. He doesn't really like to share much.

Taehyung's energy: He comes off a little more emotional and sensitive here. With this Child Divine he is pure and full of love and positivity when it comes to this bond. There is a innocence he has as well. He just radiates love and light.

Now, once again he shows the Prince card, he is very loving and giving in this bond. He has a charming energy around Jin. He may be the type that shows him love and offers him things, maybe to cheer him up. Although Jin doesn't share things. He can feel things are not okay and help cheer him up.

With this Queen of Cups, he seems to have a lot of love for him and understand him on an emotional and intuitive level. Now, this is weird, there could be a woman here, are they both into the same woman? Because I see the Queen of Cups, the 2 of Swords and then the 3 of Swords. This is about a 3rd party situation. Now with the Prince card, that goes along with it.

He also got the Pisces Card, there is a keyword romantic and the Prince card talks about Romance. I don't think there is romance between the two, so what is this? Taehyung just seems to be all over the place emotionally when it comes to this bond. He could also be stuck between Jin and someone else. The Mediator card also popped out for Tae and that is being in the middle of 2 people. I am just getting stuck between two people. But I don't see much of that on Jin's side, so this makes no sense.

He may share his emotions and feelings with Jin and express his hurt a lot to him. He may be the person he goes to about his problems, maybe he is talking to him about this woman and how hurt he is about her. I say in this bond for Tae he isn't as stable, much more emotional, confused, gullible, he can be very moody as well. He just seems hypersensitive with this bond. Jin brings out his more emotional nature. Honestly, I am so confused with this bond. It is hard for me to understand the cards and energy here.

His guidance is Wolf Spirit with the message turn knowledge into wisdom. There are a lot of things he learned from the past that he can use when it comes to his dynamic. I also hear don't repeat past mistake. You live and learn, so there is useful knowledge he has gained that can help him grow and prosper in this bond. I also get from this is for him to use more logic and not to be too overly emotional about things. He is smart, use it when it comes to Jin.

On Jin's end he just doesn't share much and on Tae's he just seems confused and way too emotional to share details and make sense of this spread. It was a bit hard to grasp this dynamic fully. This one was hard, sorry if it doesn't make sense, but their energy makes much sense to me, more so Tae.

[zzencat]

Hloo.. here for free reading..!

My initial are AN.

So, in my class, there is a girl, ND. We were so close, like within 2days! There was some kind of attraction, yk! But everything was okay. But since last Thursday onwards she is ignoring me 😭😭 She is talkative as hell. She talk to everyone expect me. It just kinda hurt. When she is like this, I can't even be myself. Like I feeling so isolated! This is driving crazy. 🥲🥲 She just don't even smile at me, so am I tho. 🤦‍♀️ She kinda effects me, I guess.

Thank you soo much, sissy. 🥲💕✨️

hey AN!! hope this helps you fam:

damn ok AN, so…i got some news for you. not the happiest thing to hear but we’ll get into it. so chances are ND has had to deal with a bad family life growing up and has learned to become a people pleaser. it might’ve seemed like she’s full of spirit and that there’s a lot of chemistry, but truth is, it’s to connect with others and not feel so lonely. ideally, she wishes she didn’t have to go the full extent and wants to just chill out and relax, not do anything. it’s tiring for her mentally and is definitely something she can work on. if you end up pursuing her, it’s going to be YOU taking action. im not sure if she comes from an affluent family or from a background that expects a lot from her, especially financially, but there’s a lot of pressure on her to seem perfect and nice, hence why she tries to get along with everyone. she doesn’t have too much luck getting out of bad situations and has habits that are also hard to break. eventually, she’ll be awaiting results and things like grades from assignments, exams, or work. she’s not really thinking about a relationship at the moment- it could linger in her mind, but truly she’s in a stagnant place and doesn’t know what to do with life or creative efforts, and feels unmotivated. she has a lot of pent up resentment from her past and her ignoring you is probably a trauma response to being ignored or neglected growing up. she likely tries to seek attention from others but when she has it, she can move on or ghost easily. like i said, these habits are hard to break. she plans on making a lot of money tho or being successful bc that’s where most of her energy is at at the moment. this could be to prove certain family members wrong or to be gain hellla financial abundance. rn, im not getting too much focus on you specifically, but her mind is mostly on her ambitions and stability. she wants to be independent and do her own thing, likely separate from family. there’s a lot of negative energy in that area at the moment.

thank you for asking!! i hope this provides some clarity to her situation :)

[angstingantlers]

Please meet Finsterl Tyto, the very tired, very misfortunate owl-man who is the reluctant target of most of my bloodthirsty tendencies. He began life as my TTRPG player character for a friend's homebrew campaign in early 2023 and has had a chokehold on my thoughts ever since. Since I would like to post some writing involving him, I thought it prudent to provide a little introduction. Apologies that it's long, I simply adore my boy and talking about him...

Big old infodump is under the cut, along with some sketches and art of him, varying in age from recent to just over a year ago. (Also for clarity, most of these are watermarked under my main's username, but are indeed my art.)

[Mentions of psychological abuse, gaslighting, paranoia, hallucinations, isolation, and self-destructive behavior. Some artwork featuring blood, injury, and possible scopophobia triggers.]

A 37 year old Scholar of Mathematics and researcher, Finsterl (he/him) works for a branch of the government focused on dealing with misuse of magic and magic-based catastrophes throughout the country. He takes advantage of the office's findings and resources to funnel all his spare time into his personal research -- namely investigating miscasts and trying to uncover a way to eradicate them entirely. His long-standing goal is to be able find the inverse of any given spell in order to undo its effects and thereby reverse miscast spells. He is very nervous around magic, and almost afraid of his own Math-based magic, and tends to prefer relying on either his intelligence or his gun to solve any problems he comes across, treating anything other than the most trivial magic as a last resort.

Now if he sounds like a decently put together man so far, I assure you, he is not. He is at his absolute best erratic and neurotic, and he is very, very rarely at his best. More often than not he is short-tempered, blunt, anxious, and has a tendency to keep himself isolated to protect himself from the danger he perceives to be all around him, pretty much constantly walking the precipice of a breakdown. He experiences frequent paranoia and hallucinations, and struggles with memory and dissociation and keeping track of reality. At his worst, Finsterl will refuse to sleep or drop his guard at all -- and he refuses to let anyone get close enough to help with any of this, out of fear either he'll get them hurt or they will take advantage of his vulnerability to hurt him. As far as he's concerned, anything can be a threat, and the moment he suspects danger he'll unquestioningly bite first.

There are a lot of things that contributed to Finsterl's mental state, but primary amongst them is his treatment at the hands of a powerful Eldritch, an otherworldly shadow-monster, that approached him at quite possibly the darkest moment in his life to offer a sympathetic hand. It introduced itself as Hemlock (it/she), and said she would help him, protect him, be a much needed friend when he had no one else to turn to... and in return, he could lend her his body to possess whenever it needed to take care of some business. And since Eldritch don't have the best reputation, it even gave its word not to harm a single feather on his head. An easy enough deal, right?

Except the sweet and helpful Hemlock swiftly became a demanding, sadistic mistress. It used its influence over his soul to torment him and slowly break down his mental stability, forcing him to be reliant on her for basic functioning. It encouraged him to be fearful of the world and paranoid of others, it ran him in circles whenever he tried to question her, it would flip between gentle and vicious on a dime, it criticised him and terrified him before easing back just enough to avoid breaking him completely. It convinced him he was deeply unwell and needed her. And throughout it all Hemlock continued to present a front of kindness and comfort. Finsterl swiftly lost faith in his own judgement and perception, spending most of his time infested with her influence and wracked with anxiety and terror, desperate for her company and help and yet dreading her visits, and especially dreading when she would demand to use his body.

It came to a head when Finsterl realised that she was possessing him without his knowledge, often while he was asleep, and that made him question all the times she had convinced him he'd been in a fugue or daze and done things he doesn't remember. Hemlock never physically hurt him, certainly... but he slowly realised the full extent of the situation he was in and how much control it had over him, how deeply it tormented him, and how helpless he was to stop it. With nothing else to lose and his mind barely hanging on by a thread, he mangled his soul to stop it from possessing him, then pulled together what little of him remained and told Hemlock he wanted it to leave. She realised she had lost her grip on him and, uncertain of what he'd actually done to block her or what else he might be capable of doing, chose to abandon him with a few choice words about how he had no chance by himself, and he would learn that one way or another; and that some day she would be back, and she would be expecting his apology.

That was seven years ago now, and he's been trying to keep out of her possible sight since. Finsterl struggled greatly to get himself back to a semi-functional state, his desperate efforts to prevent possession leaving deep, feral, living magic scarring his soul and maiming his memories. He struggles to this day to identify what was true and what was false about what Hemlock told him, and doesn't know how much of the psychosis and paranoia is her continuing to haunt him or all in his own head. Truthfully, he just doesn't know what it means to exist without fear anymore. It's an omnipresent part of his life, a racing anxiety and dread buried deep under his skin that never goes away even in his calmest moments. And he almost finds it comforting; if he's afraid, that means he has something he can drive towards action, it means he can react and prepare for danger. He doesn't resent the fear in the least... he believes it keeps him safe. He believes it keeps him alive.

Finsterl clings to his research as his singular lifeline, the one thing that means he can't shuffle off this mortal coil just yet. It's more important to him than anyone could possibly understand and he's in no rush to explain why either. Outside of that, he's closed himself off from everyone and everything around him, second-guessing every friendly hand extended his way. He's learned that the deepest scars come from the most delicate knives and he refuses to let himself get betrayed again -- even if it means drowning in his own isolation and self-destruction.

... So, you know. It's really annoying that there are folks in the office that are so insistent on being his friend. And on helping him be better, whatever that means anymore. Especially when half of them can't even take care of themselves.

[The red owl, Eric (he/him), belongs to @victoryillustrations.]

[uncle-fruity]

As another trans guy in his 30s, I want to stress to y'all that this is your decision to make, your life to live. No one else will have to live with your choices as much as you. No one will have to suffer the consequences or experience the absolute joy of your choices as much as you. There are difficulties, to be sure. And there are beautiful, precious, invaluable moments of self-actualization. You get to decide for yourself what kind of gender expression you want to have and to what extent you want to transition. And, seriously? If anyone tries to tell you that you're too stupid, too young, too naïve, too old, too feminine, too mentally ill, too loud, too selfish, or generally "too much" of anything to make your own gender choices, they are in the wrong. You decide what's right for you. You decide what's good for you. If the people around you don't like it, they can die mad. If they refuse to learn & grow & treat you with basic respect, it's okay to drop those people or put them at an arm's length in favor of spending time with different people who support & respect you.

It is hard being a teenager. It's hard being in your 20s. Things didn't start stabilizing for me until my late 20s into my early 30s (I'm still at it, but much better off than I was even 5 years ago). The only wrong time to transition is if you are personally not ready to do it -- and that is totally okay. I took a couple of years thinking about whether I wanted HRT or not. I took time to consider all the effects & whether I would be likely to regret any of the permanent changes made on T. And while I had some concerns, I went through with it and it changed my life for the better, all things considered. I regret nothing, but I'm glad I took time to think it through. Take as much or as little time as you need; transitioning is never off the table, if that's what you want to do.

I also wanted to put down just one last important point. If you're online a lot and the majority of your exposure to queer spaces are online queer spaces, you might feel like there is no community out there for queer men. There are a lot of trans men who experience isolation and ostracization from the queer community because of how masculinity is stigmatized and devalued. It's hard - like, emotionally hard - seeing everyone and their sister say shit like, "all men are trash." You are not trash. You are not a gender traitor. But I want you to know that there are people who care about you out there! Not just other trans guys or masculine queer folks, but all types of people in the community. You do not have to shut up and sit down to make yourself more palatable to people. The queer community includes you. The gatekeepers hate it, and they'll do their best to make you feel like you're alone, or like you're a problem, but you are not! Just like any situation where you have to make friends, it can take some effort to find your people. But I assure you that your people are out there. Queer groups that don't turn on you the moment you start HRT. Trans women who are kind and supportive and who can relate to you (and you to them). Cis people, both queer and not queer, who will validate you and celebrate your gender journey. Other trans guys who want to help you any way they can. Compassion and friendship and solidarity absolutely exists for us. Please try not to go down doom spirals, feeling like everyone will abandon you once you transition. Usually, there are people who will let you down, people who will lift you up, and people who need a little time to come around. Do not let anyone convince you that being trans is a curse, or that being a trans man is a social curse. Yes, there are problems of exclusion, erasure, and ridicule in many places (especially - and I cannot stress this enough - especially online), but that is not reflective of the entire queer community, and you have more friends/friends-in-waiting than you think. I guess what I mean is: stay strong, speak your truth, live your truth, and find the people who love you for it.

if you are a trans boy, especially a teenage trans boy, i wanted to say that as a trans man in their 30's, you have my deepest respects and condolences for what you may be going through right now.

it has become socially acceptable and basically online custom to bully teenage trans boys & mascs, call them cringy, or excuse misgendering them for whatever reason. people put trans boys on this pedestal of "must perform masculinity and manhood to cartoonish degrees" even though they're still children.

people make trans boys fight for their manhood before they can even be boys. i am sorry people can be so judgmental and harsh on you. you are not wrong for wanting to be a boy. you are experiencing something wonderful. it's okay if you still want to be a boy even if people have treated you poorly, or tried to make you feel bad for being a boy. there is nothing wrong with being a boy.

it's okay if you never socially transition. it's okay if you're afraid to come out because it's not safe. it's okay if you never change your outward appearance. it's okay if you try very hard to pass but struggle to. it's okay if you wear "women's" clothing and shoes, bras, makeup, etc., it's okay if you're gay and love other men. it's okay if you're scared of hrt. it's okay if you don't want surgery. it's okay if you mainly occupy girl's spaces still. people will find every reason to pick these things apart and ridicule trans boys for, but they are all perfectly fine experiences that do not make you any less of a boy. you are the one who is in control of your transition, presentation, and state of being- you should be able to prioritize your safety over the comfort of random strangers who have no impact over how you live your life.

i've been put through this too, but later in life as i came out when i was an adult. people still try to make me feel bad for identifying as a trans man, for whatever reason they have in their head to justify hatred of a trans person. i've had enough. there will never be an excuse for how people try to excuse the infantilization and abuse that trans men and trans boys face.

take care of yourselves, no matter what age you are, if you are a trans boy, man, or masc you deserve to know that other trans men care about you, especially when people are scrambling to find ways to punch down on you. there are people who suck, but there are also a lot of people who care about you. keep your chin up. you know who you are

[pumpkin-the-girlie-girl-vixen]

Living with bipolar schizoaffective disorder is a complex and often challenging experience. It's a condition that combines symptoms of both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, which can create a unique and difficult journey. Understanding what it feels like to live with this condition requires a deep dive into its emotional, psychological, and social aspects.

The Daily Reality

Each day can be unpredictable. Some moments, I feel elated, bursting with creativity and energy, while others plunge me into deep despair. These mood swings can be intense and significantly affect my daily life. During a manic phase, I might stay up all night, fueled by ideas and plans, feeling invincible and capable of anything. However, this high is often followed by a crash into depression, where even getting out of bed feels like an insurmountable task.

In addition to mood fluctuations, the schizoaffective aspect brings its own set of challenges. I might experience hallucinations or delusions that distort my perception of reality. For example, I may hear voices that aren't there or feel as though I'm being watched. These experiences can be terrifying and isolating, making it hard to connect with others or feel safe in my surroundings.

Coping Mechanisms

To navigate the complexities of living with bipolar schizoaffective disorder, I've developed various coping strategies. Therapy plays a crucial role in my management plan. Having a therapist to talk to helps me process my feelings and experiences, and provides me with tools to handle my symptoms. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been particularly effective for me, as it helps challenge and reframe negative thoughts.

Medication is another cornerstone of my treatment. Finding the right combination of medications has been a journey in itself. Some days, I feel like a lab rat, trying different pills and dosages, but when I find something that works, it can make a significant difference. It's important to recognize that medication is not a cure, but rather a way to manage symptoms and provide stability.

Social Interactions and Relationships

Building and maintaining relationships can be difficult. Friends and family often don’t fully understand what I’m experiencing. I’ve had to learn how to communicate my needs and symptoms effectively. There are times when I withdraw from social situations, fearing that my mood swings or hallucinations will alienate those I care about. This isolation can lead to loneliness, reinforcing the cycle of depression.

However, I have also found incredible support from others who understand what it’s like to live with a mental health condition. Joining support groups, both in-person and online, has helped me connect with people who share similar struggles. These connections remind me that I am not alone in my journey.

The Importance of Advocacy

Understanding and raising awareness about bipolar schizoaffective disorder is important for both those who live with it and the general public. Stigma can create barriers to treatment and understanding. By sharing my story, I hope to shed light on the realities of this condition, encouraging empathy and support from others.

Conclusion

Living with bipolar schizoaffective disorder is not just about managing symptoms; it's about navigating a complex emotional landscape. It's a journey filled with ups and downs, requiring strength, resilience, and understanding. By sharing my experiences, I hope to foster a greater understanding of this condition, helping others to see the person behind the diagnosis.

Ultimately, while this journey can be daunting, it is also filled with moments of hope and connection. I strive to take each day as it comes, celebrating the small victories and learning from the challenges. Understanding my condition is a continuous process, and I welcome the journey ahead.

[thepete77]

Mental Health, StereoTypes, Superstition, Misnomers, Gross Generalizations, Slander Hatred Malice and Spite, Suppression, Underestimation, Isolation, Conspiracy of Harassment by Exclusion and Illicit and Invalid Social Refusal, wrongful suspicion in motivation of suppression, are some common activities of the lower herd pecking order of competition while they try to work their way up out of the steel jungles to their plateaus of social success and leisure. Albeit there are still no excuses as to the effect of merit for personal achievement that if a person actually puts in the effort to make themselves known and lives their values and worth; anything is achievable. For those with natural low motivation levels and who don’t have high ambitions, it can feel damn aggravating that it feels like climbing a mudslide in effort to make even basic presences known while others regularly get attention and seem to have it easy for standard social interaction. I see that most times in natural existence of social experience people take a whole lot for granted and are just generally ignorant and unaware of being courteous and attentive to how others feel, other times their can be extensively loud and arrogant and obnoxious personalities on just a standard basis separate from even ignorance, and not really intentional or with criminal motivations specifically towards another person, it just naturally happens on a neutral basis, especially in some ways because of the natural way that social media works and how some of the most simple topics that go viral make people wonder how it is that they even get attention at all, and have concerns of the zero existence level of intellect in the mass populace.

When a person deals with mental health on any level at all, it takes twice the effort as someone who does not to get to any level of trend setting or notice, and lots of different practical factors may feel like a hindrance to be involved at all. A resounding quote from a music group that I have very much favor for personally is “forever trust who you are, ain’t nothing else matters…” from the group Metallica. It was the early nineties that I heard this song in my very early teens, and the impact of that statement has never left. It’s important to know yourself, like the famous quote from Cicero says, and not be suckered in to mass trends just because they are mass trends and live with some self respect and decency all the time.

As I look through my years of growth into my forty third year, and over all the decisions I’ve made that have brought me to the place I am today, I’ve definitely brought some greater purpose to my life and have definitely gained some advanced stability to overcome natural negative thoughts and emotions that were very intense in early adulthood.

It’s important not to be consumed by the barbaric horde of mass populace, and waiver in clouded confusion as to your own personal values and worth and identity. Studying witchcraft and devil worship brings me several moments of self confidence and inner awareness, especially into deity namesakes of Satan and Lucifer. These are the main names for me that impact me in very many ways this way, and I highly recommend Devil worship and witchcraft as a process of study with that theme in mind.

[portentiial]

but it’s also unfair for me to ask him to go through what he goes through just to continue being friends with me. i know that i offer a lot in terms of understanding and love, but he does want more from me that i cannot and will not offer. that would hurt people in most situations i think. if i was single, though, i still would not offer it. he has a lot of growing up to do and i cannot be in a relationship with someone who needs a parent more than a partner. he struggles with stability and he struggles with basic self care and his alcoholism definitely reminds me of my father… if i had set that boundary more firmly i think we would still be in the same boat we’re in right now. it just. it annoys me that me being engaged and moving and having a life is the catalyst for him dropping me. THAT hurts too much. THAT reminder that were not going to end up together hurts too much. sir we would not have ended up together either way. the only reason we’re still even interacting is because of how firmly i put that boundary up in my mind the first time he verbally abused me. i said, this is something i could live with from someone who is a friend. the effect this has on me from a friend i care about is not great enough to discount the positives of our friendship. if i was in a relationship with this person i could not live with this, because this would not be a person i could rely on or trust with my ENTIRE LIFE. if i was relying on him and trusting him with my entire life and he turned around and did that to me, i know i would just live with it. i would just let it crumble me. i would not get out. i know myself, and i get comfortable in situations i should not be comfortable in, and i change myself as much as possible to make it work with the least amount of resistance. that’s probably not good for me personally, but it is who i am. i stopped that in my head before it could happen. the amount of myself i put into the relationship despite that boundary though is completely unparalleled to me. i care about him DEEPLY. and it hurts a LOT when i know he’s hurting. it hurts a LOT when he’s hurt me and i have to go through 90 different mental hoops to realize if its real. sometimes it feels like i’m gaslighting myself into pretending he doesn’t mean what he says. a lot of the time i’m RIGHT. but most of the time it’s just blind trust and hope. i think that’s what hurt so much. i was blindly trusting and hoping he didn’t mean that i was holding him back. of course he doesn’t? how COULD he mean that. and then to hear him reiterate it when he’s not in an episode absolutely fucking sunk me. and then i’m obsessed with it. trying to figure out what could lead him to that conclusion outside of an episode. and looking it up and seeing all of these articles written by people with BPD for people with BPD that are like “How to get over your FP.” never “How to have a healthy relationship with your FP.” just how to get over them. and realizing Oh. i’m a phase. and the number of comments that are like “once i drop someone, i never think about them again.” i mean how could he. if he did he couldn’t have a bittersweet feeling. couldn’t get a little bit sad a little bit happy. i’m just that fucking whore who ruined his life and rage. or i’m his best friend who he misses more than anything and grief there’s no in between. just black or white. i’m a phase. i am holding him back. a relationship with me will inevitably make him sad. i am forcing him to go through a grief every time he thinks about how we will not be together. my boundaries are damaging to him. he would rather isolate himself than have me in any capacity. he will never think about me. when he does think about me, it will only be pain. i DONT want that. if we are together and talking and i am making him happy he will be in pain because of my boundaries. my engagement is just a reminder than i actually meant those boundaries! i miss him though. i haven’t abandoned him. if he does come back i’m here and i understand his position and how painful it is for him. i don’t want to be that though.

[yes-these-obsessions-are-healthy]

Babe don’t hide all these hot points in the tags!

The amount of tragedy and dramatic irony that is laced in the plot of Inquisition is so massive that if I were to sit down and really write it all up I would have another mental breakdown, so I decide to float above the surface like a lil pontoon, understanding that there exist depths that will swallow my vessel entirely with insurmountable fathoms of anguish.

The nature of being a figurehead, of being made into a *symbol* of a movement or an organization or a cause strips one of personhood and, at least temporarily, are not beholden to the standards of the commons. It’s human nature to turn to strong, effective personalities in times of crisis, and to throw a layer of devotion and faith on top of it to allow the person put in charge to do what would otherwise be met with bureaucratic nonsense and waffling. People crave stability and dynamic action in equal measure. The Inquisitor is simply a person, but they are elevated to more than simply a person. They aren’t given the option to be anything but a prophet of a deity they may or may not worship, and consequently they are trapped as the face of a nationless splinter group religious organization established to combat an apocalyptic threat of ambiguous origins. 

hhhhhhhhhhhhhh They are so alone and so isolated and so dehumanized and Solas is the only one who understands the burden; that being said, even he tells you in your first conversation with him in Haven that whether you wanted this or not, you need to accept your duty and serve as their Herald, regardless. What matters in the end is people’s perception, not what you know to be true, because their voices ultimately outnumber yours. You are consigned to a legacy colored by conflicting and unreliable memories. Who you truly are will never be remembered as such, and in that way, does that not count as a form of death in its own right?

Me writing insanely bitter drafts re: DAI and media literacy and then carefully tipping them all into the trash

[just-an-anxious-mess]

So.... Marathoning Buzzfeed Unsolved and.... Yeah...

[feanorianethicsdepartment]

Alright, I read your recent post and need to know - what is your interpretation of Maglor’s relationship with the twins?

askjdhslkjag my biggest self-inflicted problem in this fandom is that my take on maglor, elrond, and elros' relationship is so intensely detailed and specific i am forever tormented by none of the fic i read ever quite getting it right (from my perspective; i’ve read plenty of fic that presents a good interpretation on their own terms, it’s just never mine.) it’s simultaneously way darker than the fluffy kidnap dads stuff and nowhere near as black-and-white awful as the anti-fëanorian crowd likes to paint it, it’s messy and complicated and surrounded by darkness, and yet there’s also a sincere connection within it which mostly serves to make all those complications worse. angry teenage elrond is angry for a great many reasons, and the circumstances around him being raised by kinslayers account for at least half of them. there’s lots of complexity here, and i don’t see it in fic nearly as often as i’d like

(warning: the post... feathers? i already have an internet friend called faeiri this could be awkward - anyway, the post she’s talking about includes the line ‘everyone is wrong about kidnap dads except me.’ this post follows on from that in being as much a commentary about why various popular interpretations of both how the kidnapdoption went and the way people subsequently characterise the twins just don’t work for me as it is a setting out of my own ideas. i’m not really interested in getting into discourse here, i’m just trying to get my thoughts down. i’ve read fic with these interpretations before that i’ve liked, even, don’t take this as a Condemnation, aight? also this turned out long as hell, so i’m putting it under a cut)

i can never buy entirely fluffy depictions of kidnap dads

which isn’t to say i don’t read them! sometimes all i want is something sweet, for these kids to get to be happy for once. it’s not like i think their time with the fëanorians was completely devoid of laughter

it’s just. the pet names, the special days out, the home-cooked meals, it can get so treacly it stops feeling like the characters they are in the situation they’re in and turns into Generic Found Family #272

it soaks out all the complexity - which is the thing i am here for - and acts like oh, these kids were never in any danger, they were perfectly happy being abducted by the people who murdered everyone they knew, there’s nothing possibly questionable about this relationship at all

and... yeah. that’s not the characters i know. that’s not the context i know they belong to

i just can’t forget the circumstances that led them to meet

rivers of blood, the air filled with screams, a town ablaze, a woman choosing to die. every interaction the three of them have is going to proceed from that nightmare

(sidenote: i tend to hold it was maglor that raised the twins, with maedhros looming ominously in the background not really getting involved. it’s mostly personal preference, i’ve been in and out of the fandom since before this kidnap dads thing blew up and when i joined that was a perfectly standard reading)

(also the cave thing was a dumb idea, old man, if only because it implies beleriand had streams safe enough for children to play in at that point. the way it separates the twins from the third kinslaying is also something i don’t particularly vibe with)

probably my least favourite angle i’ve seen on the situation (edged out only by ‘maglor was actively abusive towards the twins’ which no no no no no no no no NO) is the idea that maglor (and/or maedhros, append as necessary) took the twins specifically to raise them

like, i get where it’s coming from, but it makes maglor come off as really creepy

(i have read fics where it is indeed played off as really creepy, but that’s not a maglor i have any interest in reading about)

(’mags 100% bad’ is just as facile a take to me as ‘mags 100% good’)

even if you’re saying maglor took them in because they had no one left to take care of them - i highly doubt they were the only children the fëanorians orphaned at sirion. idk, it always makes maglor seem much less sympathetic than i think it’s meant to

i prefer to think of it as more... organic? something that evolved, not something that was preordained. them growing closer gradually, the twins finding an adult who might maybe be on their side, maglor becoming invested in them almost by accident

and then the twins are so comfortable with the second scariest monster in amon ereb they frequently sass him off and maglor’s gotten so used to not hurting them he’s not even thinking about it any more. no one’s quite sure how it happened, but they’ve made a Connection

‘wait aren’t they a murderous warlord of questionable mental stability and a pair of terrified small children who’ve lost everyone they ever knew? isn’t that kinda fucked up?’ yup! that’s the point! complexity!

another idea i don’t like is the idea that maglor was an objectively better parent to the twins than eärendil or elwing

other people have talked about this already, i won’t rehash the whole thing. i will say that while i don’t think elwing was a perfect parent - someone so young, in such a horrible situation, i wouldn’t blame her for screwing up - i do think she (and eärendil) did the best by them they possibly could

this is one of the few things they have in common with maglor

something i come across now and again is the idea that sure, elwing and eärendil weren’t abusive or horrible or anything, but they were a couple of basically-teenagers with so many other responsibilities, there was only so much they could do. maglor, on the other hand, is an experienced adult who could take much better care of the twins

and...

first off, it’s not like mags doesn’t have a job. he’s a warlord, he has a fortress to help run, military shit to handle, lots of other stuff that needs to get done to stop everyone from starving or getting eaten by orcs. i feel like sirion had enough of a government there was plenty of opportunity for elwing to take days off and play with her kids, but in the fëanorian camp nobody really has the time to chase after a couple of toddlers, least of all one of the last points on the command network. they just don’t have the people any more

(seriously, the twins getting a formal education with tutors and classes and shit is a weirdly specific pet peeve of mine. this is a band of renegades, not a royal household; if there’s anyone left with those kinds of skills they almost certainly have more important things to do)

more than that, though - well, a quick glance through my late stage fëanorians tag should tell you a lot about what i think maglor’s mental state is like at this point. he is so accustomed to violence death means nothing to him, he’s lost most of his capacity for genuinely positive emotion to an endless century of defeat and despair, he hates everything in the universe, especially himself, he’s only able to keep functioning through a truly astounding amount of denial, and he covers it all up with a layer of snark and feigned apathy, which he defends aggressively because he’s subconsciously realised that if it breaks he’ll have absolutely nothing left

(maedhros, for the record, is... i’d say more stable, but at a lower point. maglor may interact with the world mostly through cold stares and mocking laughter, but at least his mind is firmly rooted in the present)

(on the other hand, at least maedhros lets himself be aware of what they are and where their road will lead)

which... this doesn’t mean maglor doesn’t try to be kind to the twins, or rein in his worst impulses around them

there’s just so little of him left but the weapon

he stalks through the halls like a portent of death and gets into hours-long screaming matches with maedhros and has definitely killed people in front of the twins

not even as, like, a deliberate attempt to scare them, but because when you solve most of your problems by stabbing them it’s pretty much a given that people who spend a lot of time around you are going to see you do it at least once

and sometimes, he curls up in an empty hallway, and weeps

... suffice it to say i don’t think elwing’s the more preoccupied, or the less mentally ill, parent here

just. in general, the fëanorians aren’t cackling boogeymen, but they’re not particularly nice either

no one has the energy left for that. not these isolated and weary soldiers at the end of a long losing war and the beginning of the end of the world. they don’t really bother to guard the kids against them escaping. where else are they going to go?

the sheer despair that must have been in the fëanorian camp after sirion, the knowledge that the cause cannot be fulfilled, that they are utterly forsaken, that they’re really just waiting to die -

it can’t have been a happy place to grow up in, under the shadow of loss and grief and deeds unrepentable, and the slow march of inevitable defeat

they would have had a better childhood if they stayed in sirion, raised by people who knew how to hope

but that isn’t the childhood they had. and despite everything i’ve said, i don’t think that childhood was an entirely awful one

yeah, see, this is where the other side of my self-inflicted fandom catch-22 comes in. just as much of the pro-kidnap dads stuff comes off as overly saccharine and simplified to me, i find much of the anti-kidnap dads stuff equally simplistic in the opposite direction

the idea that maglor and the fëanorians never meant anything to elros and elrond, that they had no effect on the people they became at all, that it was just a horrible thing that happened when they were children, easily thrown in the rear-view mirror...

that’s even more impossible to me than the idea that life with the fëanorians was 100% fluffy and nice

like, i’ve seen the take that elros and elrond hated the fëanorians from start to finish. they were perfect little sindarin princes, loyal to their people and the memory of doriath, spurning every scrap of kindness offered to them and knowing just what to say to twist the knife into the kinslayers’ wounds

... dude. they were six. hell, given their peredhelness, mentally they could easily have been younger

what six year old has a firm grasp of their ethnic identity? what six year old is fully aware of their place in history? what six year old would understand the politics that led to their situation?

don’t get me wrong, i can see hatred in there. but something else that doesn’t get acknowledged alongside it often enough is the fear

some of the stuff i’ve read feels like it gives the kids too much power in the situation. they’re perfectly happy to talk back to and belittle the people who burned down their hometown and killed everyone they ever knew, like miniature adults who don’t feel threatened at all

and, like, six. i can see them going for insults as a defensive measure, but it is defensive. it’s covering up fear, not coming from secure disdain

(and a lot of those insults sound, again, like things an adult who’s already familiar with the fëanorians would say, not a scared child who’s lost almost everything. why would a six year old raised by sindar and gondolindrim know what the noldolantë is, let alone what it means to maglor?)

(... i’m just ranting about this one fic that’s been ruffling my feathers for five years straight now, aren’t i)

i mean, i write elrond as the world’s angriest teenager, who snipes at maglor pretty much constantly, but the thing about angry teenage elrond is that he’s angry teenage elrond

he’s spent long enough with the fëanorians he has a pretty secure position within the camp, and he knows that maglor won’t hurt him from a decade and change of maglor not, in fact, hurting him

but as a small and terrified child abducted by the monsters his mother had nightmares about? he fluctuated wildly between ‘randomly guessing at things to say that wouldn’t get him killed’ ‘screaming at maglor to go away in words rarely more complicated than that’ 'desperately trying not to do or say anything in the hopes of not being noticed’ and ‘hiding’

(and i don’t think the twins were never in any danger from the fëanorians, either. quite besides the point that before they started orbiting maglor nobody was really sure what to do with them... well, they wouldn’t be the first children of thingol’s line the minions took revenge on)

(fortunately for them, maglor did, in fact, take them under his wing. by this point even their own followers are shit scared of the last two sons of fëanor, nobody’s going to mess with their stuff and risk getting mauled. tactically, it was a pretty good decision for a couple of toddlers)

more to the point, i feel like a child that young, in a situation that horrible, wouldn’t reject any kindness they were offered, any soothing touch in a universe of terror

in a world full of big scary monsters, the best way to survive is to get the biggest scariest monster possible to protect you. that’s how elros rationalises it when they’re, like, eight, mentally, but at the time they were just latching on to the only person around them who seemed to care about them

that’s how it started, on their end. two very young very scared children lost in a neverending nightmare clinging tightly to the lone outstretched pair of hands

as for maglor...

i’ve called mags evil before, but i see that as more of a... technical term? he is evil because he did the murder, he remains evil because he won’t stop doing the murder. hot take: murder bad

but that doesn’t make him, like, a moustache-twirling saturday morning cartoon villain. he is deeply unhappy with the position he’s in and the person he’s become, and he’s always trying not to take that final step over the edge

it’s not that i can’t see a maglor who is abusive or manipulative or who sees the twins more as objects than people. it’s just that that characterisation is one i am profoundly uninterested in. i do occasionally read fic with it, but it never enters my own headcanons

horrible people can do good things!! kinslayers can do good things!! the fallen are capable of humanity!! people can do both good and evil things at the same time, because people are complicated!! maglor is not psychologically incapable of actually taking pity on these kids!!!!

it’s... again, complexity. the fëanorians straddle the line between black and white, which is a lot less sharp in the legendarium than it’s sometimes characterised as. it’s what draws me to their characters so much, why i have so many stupid headcanons about them. pretending they fall firmly on either side of the line is my real fandom pet peeve

and, like, this moment? this sincere connection between a bloodstained warlord and two children who will grow up to be great and kind in equal measure? i may not entirely like the direction the fandom’s taken it recently, but that beat, that relationship, it still gets me

so no, i don’t think elrond and elros’ years with the fëanorians were an endless cavalcade of abuse and misery. i think there was love there, despite the darkness all around them

an old, tired monster, and the two tiny children it protects

maglor never hurts the twins, not ever, not once. his claws are sharp and his fangs are keen, if he so much as swatted them he’d rip them in half. instead he folds down the razor edges of his being, interacting with them ever so carefully. he has nightmares of suddenly tearing into their skin

seriously, the power differential between them is so great, maglor so much as raising his voice would break any trust they have in this horribly dangerous creature. fics where he does corporal punishment always get the side-eye from me

the mood of their relationship is... i find it hard to put into words. melancholy, maybe, like a sunny afternoon a few days before the end of the world. three people who’ve lost so much finding what respite they can in each other as the world slowly crumbles around them

there are times when it feels like the three of them exist in a world of their own, marked out by the edges of the firelight. maglor telling stories of the stars, elros giving relaxed irreverent commentary, elrond getting a few moments to just be, all their troubles kept at bay

they are the last two lights in a world sunk into darkness, the last two living beings he does not on some level hate. he will tear his own heart out before he sees them in pain

he teaches them to ride, he teaches them to read, he gives them everything he still has left. the twins should never have been in this situation, maglor probably isn’t entirely fit to take care of them, but it is what it is, and they take what love they can

(maglor depends on the twins emotionally a bit more than any adult should rely on any child. he’s still very much the caretaker in their relationship, but that relationship is the only one he has left that’s not stained by a century of rage and grief. he’s obsessed with them, maedhros tells him frequently. maglor’s standard response to this is to try to gouge maedhros’ eyes out)

(that particular darker side to their relationship, where maglor’s attachment to the twins turns into a desperate possessiveness - that’s not something i think i’ve ever seen in fic. which is a shame, it feels much closer to my own characterisation than the standard ways this relationship gets maleficised. darker, in a different way than usual. horribly compelling in its plausibility)

however you want to read it, i don’t think you can deny this is a relationship that defines elrond and elros’ childhood. they were raised in the woods by a pack of kinslayers, the text is quite clear on this

but i’ve seen a lot of talk about how elros and elrond are only sirion’s children. they are completely 100% sindarin, they love and forgive eärendil and elwing thoroughly and without question, they identify with doriath over - even gondolin, let alone tirion. the fëanorians - the people who raised them - had zero effect on the people they grew into and the selves they created

and that, more than anything else, i find utterly unbelievable

look, i get what this is a reaction to. a lot of the kidnap dads stuff paints the fëanorians as elrond and elros’ ‘real’ family, and i’ve already talked about what i think of the idea that maglor-and-possibly-also-maedhros were better parents than eärendil and elwing. i think it’s reductive and overly optimistic and just a little too neat

but to say instead that elrond and elros held no great love in their hearts for maglor, no lingering affinity with the fëanorians, no influence on their identity from the people they grew up around, none at all? that after it happened they just left it behind and resumed being the same people they were in sirion?

that strikes me as just as much an oversimplification. it sands down all the potential rough edges of their identity, all that inconvenient complexity that stops them from fitting into any well-defined box, and replaces it with a nice safe simple self-conception i find just as flat and boring as declaring them 100% fëanorian

we can quibble over who they call ‘father’ (i personally find that whole debate kinda petty) but denying that it was actually maglor who was the closest thing they knew to a parent for most of their childhoods, and that that would, in fact, affect the way they thought of themselves and their family, elides so many interesting possibilities out of existence

(i’m not even going to get into the most braindead take i have ever heard on the subject, namely that because their time with the fëanorians was such a small fraction of elrond’s total lifespan it was like being kidnapped for two weeks as a toddler and had no greater significance than that. do you not understand what childhood is????)

like, i tend to think of elrond as a child as being very loudly not-a-fëanorian. elros is more willing to go with the flow - hey, if the creepy kinslayer wants kids, elros is happy to play into that in order to not be murdered - but elrond is very firm that he’s not happy to be here and he doesn’t belong with them

(this is after they get over their initial terror, of course, when they’ve realised they won’t be fed to the orcs for the tiniest slight. even so, elrond only really gets shirty about it around people he’s comfortable with, whose reactions he can reasonably guess at. naturally, the first person he does it to is maglor)

elros calls maglor their father exactly once, when they’re... maybe early preteens? this is because elrond hears him do it and immediately loses his shit. they have a dad, elrond says, in tears, and a mum, and any day now their real parents are going to come to pick them up and take them home

... right?

it gets harder to believe as the years roll on, as their memories of sirion fade, as they find their own places within the host, as maglor watches over them as they grow. elrond still mentally sets himself apart from the fëanorians, but it’s more of an effort every year. life in the fëanorian camp is the only one he’s ever really known. he can barely remember his mother’s voice

then the war of wrath starts, and the fëanorian host drifts closer to the army of valinor, and the twins come into contact with non-fëanorians for the first time in forever, and it becomes clear just how obviously fëanorian elrond is. he always insisted he wasn’t like the kinslayers at all, but he dresses like them, talks like them, fights like them

the myth cycles the edain tell are almost completely unfamiliar to him, he barely remembers the shape of the songs of lost doriath. even these sarcastic commentary and subversive reinterpretations he made of maglor’s stories - those were still maglor’s stories! he’s been trying to guess at the person he was meant to be, but it’s growing nightmarishly blatant how little elrond ever knew about him

instead, the people he was born to are as alien to him as the orcs of morgoth. he is a fëanorian, through and through

... yeah, elrond (and/or elros) having an absolutely massive identity crisis upon being reintroduced to his quote-unquote ‘true kin’ is another angle i’d love to see in fic that i don’t think i’ve ever come across. all those potential grey areas around who they are and who they’re supposed to be sound utterly fascinating, and i think it’s the complexity i hate to see elided over the most

i really, really doubt they could effortlessly slot back into being eärendil and elwing’s children. not when they’ve been surrounded by, lived alongside, been raised by the people who were supposed to enemies for most of their lives

they just don’t fit into that box any more. they can’t

speaking of eärendil and elwing, while i do agree that they both (especially elwing) get a lot more flak than they deserve, i don’t agree that therefore elrond and elros were never the slightest bit mad at them and fully forgave them for everything with no reservations

because, well, they were left behind. elwing had no other choice, but they were still left behind; it led to the world being saved, but they were still left behind. all the best intentions in the universe don’t erase the weeks and months and years of waiting, of a hope that grew thinner and frailer until it finally quietly broke

that’s a real hurt, and a real grievance. even if the twins rationally understand that their parents were making the best out of their terrible situation, you can’t logic away emotions like that. it’s perfectly possible for them to know they have no reason to resent eärendil or elwing, and yet still harbour that bitterness and pain

(i did write a thing once where elrond loudly rejects eärendil as his father in favour of maglor, but something i didn’t add in that i probably should have is that elrond later regretted doing that)

(not like, several centuries later, when he’d grown old and wise. two hours later, when he’d calmed down. but he was still legitimately angry at eärendil, because the one thing angry teenage elrond was not lacking in was reasons to be mad at the adults around him, and before he could figure out if he had anything less furious to say the hosts of the valar left middle-earth behind)

(it’s another element to the tragedy of the whole thing. in that particular story, which is mostly aiming for maximum pain, the only thing elrond’s birth parents know about their son for thousands of years is that he hates them)

(and he doesn’t, not really. you can’t hate someone you’ve never known)

not that i think they couldn’t ever make up with their parents! fics where elrond and his birth parents work past all the things that lie between them and form a functional familial bond despite it all give me life. i just don’t like the idea that there’s nothing difficult for them to work past

i don’t like the idea that elrond and elros would naturally, effortlessly identify with the mother they last saw when they were six and the people they only vaguely remember. i can see them doing it as a political move, i can see them going for it as a deliberate personal choice, but i can’t seeing it being immediate and automatic and easy

no matter how great a pair of heroes eärendil and elwing are, that doesn’t change the fact that to elrond and elros, they’re at most a few scattered memories and a collection of far-off stories. and so long as the twins stay in middle-earth, they’re never going to draw any closer

compared to the dynamic, multifaceted, personal, and deep bonds they have with the fëanorians - who, and i know i keep saying this but i think it gets tossed aside way more casually than it should, are the people who actually raised them, their birth parents must feel like a distant idea

and that’s why i can never buy interpretations of elrond as 100% sindarin, a pure son of doriath, with no messy grey areas or awkward jagged edges to his identity. given everything we know about his life, it seems almost cartoonishly simplistic

honestly it seems like a narrative a bunch of old doriathrin nobles trying to manouevre elrond into being high king of the sindar or something would propagate. it's neat and nice and tidy, something that’d be much more convenient for everyone if elrond did feel that way

but i just don’t see how he can. this narrative is easy and simple in a way real people never are, it ignores all the forces pulling him apart. elrond being uncomplicatedly sindarin with the life he lives and the people he's close to - that doesn’t make any sense to me

which isn’t to say i think he’s 100% noldorin, from either a gondolindrim or a fëanorian perspective. (i find it a little more believable, given, again, who he grew up around and who he hangs out with, but it’s still a bit too reductive for my tastes.) it’s also not to say i couldn’t believe an elrond who made an active choice to emphasise his sindarin heritage

it’s not how i think of him, but it works. i don’t have a problem with other people interpreting the complexities of the twins’ identities differently

i just have a problem with people acting like it doesn’t exist

in general i think there’s a lot untapped potential that gets left behind when you declare the twins, separately or together, as All One Thing

they’re descended from half the noble houses of beleriand, and they have deep personal ties to most of the rest. they belong to all of the free peoples even the dwarves, somehow, probably and i feel like that was kind of the old man’s point? so many peoples meet in them, to say they wholly belong to any one species is probably an oversimplification

they sit at a crossroads of potential identities, and rather than narrowing down their worldviews to one single path, they take the hard road and choose all of them. that’s what you need to do, if you want to change the world

and, to bring this back to my ostensible topic, in my estimation at least this mélange of possible selves does include them as fëanorians! it’s not overpowering, but it’s certainly there, and the adults they grow into long after they’ve left the host still bear influence from their childhood

nothing super obvious, nothing that wouldn’t stand out if you didn’t know what to look for, but there’s something almost incandescent in how fiercely elros reaches out for his dreams

there’s something almost defiant in elrond’s drive to be as kind as summer

as for who they publically claim as their family... honestly, it depends. while it’s usually more tactically prudent for elros to connect himself to his various human ancestors, on occasion he does find a use for his free in with the elf mafia, and elrond, code switcher par excellence, is famously the son of whoever is most politically convenient at the moment, which is rarely, but not never, maglor

(in the privacy of their own minds, well, eärendil and elwing may have been the parents elros was supposed to have, but maglor was the parent he actually had, and elros doesn’t particularly care to mope over what might have been. elrond, for his part, figures that after all the shit maglor has put him through, the least that bastard owes him is a father)

but honestly? i think before any of their mountain of identities, before thinking of themselves as sindarin or gondolindel or hadorian or haladin or fëanorian or anything, elrond and elros identify as themselves

they are peredhil, they are númenóreans, they are whoever they make themselves to be. that’s how elrond finally resolved his identity, figured out who he was and found something past the pain and the rage

he wasn’t doriathrin, or gondolindrin, or falathrin, or fëanorian, or whatever else. he was elrond, no more and no less

and that person, elrond, could be whatever he chose to be

... elros came to a similar conclusion, with much less sturm und drang that he’s willing to admit. being able to go ‘hey, i can’t possibly be biased towards any one of your cultures, because i’m descended from all of you and i was raised by murderelves’ makes it a lot easier to unite people around your personal banner, turns out

the stories other people tried to force on them shattered into pieces, and the peredhel twins were free to shape themselves into anything they could dream of

and as the new world struggles alive, these lost children of an Age of death begin to bloom into their full glorious selves -

i just. i love the poetry of that. despite every single shadow that hangs over their past, despite all the clashing notes pulling them apart, they harmonise it all into a greater, kinder theme, determined to make their world a better place in whatever way they can

they fail, of course, but so do all things. the inevitable march of entropy doesn’t diminish the long millennia they (and their descendants) held onto the light

and their growing up in the fëanorian host definitely had a huge effect on the noble lords they became. you can see it in elros’ loud ambition to create a land of happiness and hope, elrond’s quiet resolve to heal all the hurts inflicted by this marred reality

it wasn’t a perfect time by any means, but neither was it a nightmare. it was what it was, a desperate existence at the edge of a knife where, nevertheless, they were loved

even after years upon decades upon centuries have passed, it’s hard for the wise king and the honourable sage to separate out and identify all the conflicting emotions swirling around their childhood. they never knew eärendil or elwing, true, but they also never really knew maglor

not as equals, not as adults, not as people who could truly understand him. he disappeared into the fog of history, leaving only childhood memories of razor-sharp, gentle hands

it’s messy and it’s complicated and getting any real closure would be like shoving their way through a thornbush with bare hands even if elrond could find the shithead, and yet at the core of it all, there is light. not the brightest of lights, maybe, but an enduring one

that contrast, above all, that note of warmth amidst the shadows, is what fascinates me so much about their relationship. three screwed up people in a screwed up world, finding a little peace with each other

and the fact that somehow, it does have a good ending - the children grow up magnificent and compassionate and just, they become exemplars of all their peoples, lodestars of the new world born out of the ashes of the old - that makes it seem to me like this relationship must have contained some fragment of happiness

but, fuck, all the darkness that surrounds that love, all the tangled-up emotions its existence necessitates, all the prefabricated self-identities it can never slot into - nothing about it is simple, nothing about it is easy, and i find that utterly enthralling. especially how, despite everything, that flickering light never goes out

well, i don’t think it does, anyway. my take on this relationship is both complicated enough no one else ever quite gets it right and well-defined enough every single ‘error’ in other people’s interpretations sticks out like a kinslayer in rivendell

it is an entirely self-inflicted problem, i will admit. other people are allowed to interpret those complexities differently from me, and it’s entirely my own fault i lack the :waves hands around nebulously: to write my own hypothetical fic on the subject at a pace faster than glacial

still, though. i do wish there was more fic out there that engaged with these complexities. a lot of the common fandom interpretations of this relationship just sweep it all away

[mariaiscrafting]

ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

[hellsurvivr]

         A NEW SIDE EFFECT,    of her ascending to the ranks she had. it was now much easier for her to sense those with any form of divinity within them. it meant no matter where she was in the world, she could find them, and it only took a mental thought. like right now she knew, her mate was at home no doubt lounging in the sun, ellie and her family were gathered deep in her home, elysia and deeks were also tucked at home, and cyrus was once more in his self-imposed isolation. but she could feel them all. (    everyone she cared for!    )  it made her head ring, but it had been how she was able to find astra, to sense her divinity the moment she awoke. but respecting the mate bond with nico, she didn't impose upon the wolf's den, till he'd reached out and let her know.   her mate was the same.    thus as much as she'd wanted to be here earlier, she waited.

          ❛   i'm not going to complain. makes playing hide and seek with you much more fun!   ❜   an air of mischief overtaking the female. who long ago was shrouded in nothing but anger and rage. but those days were few and far between, since she'd learnt what true happiness was, what it felt like to be wrapped in nothing but love. it gave her a strength she never knew she needed.    (   and would be lost without it!   )    head tilt as she hears astra's words and smiles softly. understanding burning deep in her veins, as it had been millennia since she'd lost control. but she too was glad to have stabilized.    ❛   i believe it helps when my mate is pure sunshine. and yours is as grounded as the earth itself. helps keep us both in check!   ❜ 

             Karina is aware instantly of the vulnerability that astra is showing, her eyes softening as she listens. pulling on her powers, she amplifies the sun that was shining outside, and calls for it to entomb astra, offering a silent weight of healing. of love.     (   karina's way of helping!   )    as oh it was not often that she admitted if something was wrong. so in no way was she going to judge her good friend. at all.     ❛   hey you used more power than you're used to. and changed fate in a huge way, so it makes sense your first gift, is the one that takes a while to adjust. but you will. i'm sure nico will help make sure of that.   ❜    it showed Karina was still suffering at offering compassion. but she was trying. which was the main thing. which is also why she doesn't complain as astra changes the subject. she'd have done the same.

                the mention of her mate and cousin   ━   has her smiling softly.   mentally she taps into the bond for a second just to check they were okay. needing the comfort just as much as she knew they did. holding her closer than they'd ever held her before .    (    but she didn't blame them!    )  still she softly answers the question and nods.     ❛   he's getting, finally relaxed on letting me go out. of course only if i go visit family. he's asked i don't do anything for the council for a while.   ❜    which was understandable. given it was a job for them, technically zeus, that had led to her death. so it wasn't a hard task in reality, even she was weary.    ❛   and yeah Ely was less than impressed. a long long lecture and lots of tears. i didn't realise how unkillable i appeared to my younger cousins till i saw that look in Elysia's eyes.   ❜    sadness rocks her hard enough she's sure the contavius empaths can feel it at their house, but she tampers it down. it never did well to live to live in the past.

Astra did not know how limited her powers were or how far they extended. However, she did learn a bit about that when she wiped out a cult from every form of existence across all multiverses. She didn't expect it to wipe her out the way it did, especially since most other things were effortless.

One thing she knew, though, was that Nico rarely ever left her side. Unless he was ordered to by his mother. She could feel his presence even in the subconscious as she healed, the warmth of his arms around her. He had done the same when she ascended to a goddess, the sudden transformation taking a complete toll and rendering her into a coma for weeks. From the tug of the bond, she knew he was with Lia at Ellie's home. Hence, she was preparing something nice for her return.

"Yes you did! I could sense you before from miles away. Being a goddess looks wonderful on you, Ms. Stormborne." she teased. In addition to wiping the cult, Astra had also previously put Raza into a coma whilst the transition happened. Otherwise, she did not think he would survive the loss... not without permanent damage. Raza was the sun. Him and his lion lost his family on two occasions. A third would completely destroy him.

"I know... I kept glitching things in and out of existence and having many dejavu moments with every shift of my mood. I am so thankful you've stabilized."

She hummed in thought, kneading the dough whilst she did so. "The recovery time was longer than anticipated but I have my energy back. Actually...my Sight is going a bit haywire right now so I am focusing on a physical task to get through it." Astra admitting something was less than ideal? It took a lot of trust for her to admit so considering she tended to brush her pain and inconveniences under a rug. The only one who could see through it without her saying a word was Nico. She gently changed the topic. "How is Raza doing? And what about Elysia? I suppose she gave you an earful, hmm?"

@hellsurvivr

[ammocharis]

Dragon Age OC as a companion

I saw the “OC as a companion” trend started by @little-lightning-lavellan and I really wanted to hop on with my Avvar girl, Vatna, who is normally the Inquisitor and the protagonist of my fic, Watch the Skies. So here it goes! (Heads up - it got pretty long!)

~~

Vatna (born 9:23 Dragon) is an Avvar mage and a potential companion in Dragon Age: Inquisition.

Title: Sky Watcher’s apprentice

Race: Human

Gender: Female

Class: Mage

Affiliation: Avvar, Inquisition (conditional)

Family: Einar (father), Selke (mother), Hirka (sister)

Background

Vatna Einarsdotten Selkesdotten was born in an Avvar settlement called Two Falcon Hold, where she lived until adulthood. Two Falcon Hold is located in the highest part of the Frostback Mountains. It is largely isolated from the outside world; the news arrives through dwarven merchants and Avvar pathfinders, which resulted in Vatna not having any first-hand experience of the Lowlands.

As a seven year old child, Vatna manifested magical ability, and thus she was linked to a spirit, as is customary among the Avvar. The spirit began teaching Vatna how to control her gift. She received lessons in healing, casting barriers, glyph-making, and other types of skills, but she specialized in offensive magic. She displayed an aptitude for elemental magic, particularly the spells associated with cold.

Several years later, with the basic part of her training complete, Vatna peacefully separated from her spirit teacher. Proving herself as a talented mage, she was chosen to become the next Sky Watcher in her hold, and so she continued studying diligently under the augur’s tutelage.

Vatna also underwent a warrior’s training, combining the skillset of a mage with that of a melee fighter. Her weapon of choice is an axe instead of a staff, though she is proficient at using either. After her appointment as the Sky Watcher’s apprentice, Vatna commissioned a battle axe with a lyrium core from the dwarves of Orzammar.

In 9:41 Dragon, a few weeks before the Conclave, Vatna ventured outside of her hold, travelling through the Lowlands for the first time in her life. Her only companion was a falcon called Himnar.

Involvement

Dragon Age: Inquisition

Once the Inquisitor returns from the Hinterlands, a new portion of the Haven map opens up. Vatna can be found on a mountain range located south-east of the Temple of Sacred Ashes. She is fighting demons that are pouring from a large rift. Once the Herald closes the rift, Vatna voices her astonishment at their ability to mend the Veil. In the following conversation, the Avvar mage explains that she was on the way to Haven when the Breach opened. She claims that she’s been trying to fix the situation on her own, with little success. She is accompanied by a peregrine falcon that appears to be exceptionally well-trained. The Herald can ask some additional questions about her background and learn that she’s a Sky Watcher’s apprentice. Vatna says that she wishes to save the Lady of the Skies and help the gods. At the end of this conversation, the Herald can recruit Vatna into the Inquisition right away, tell her that they might consider it (after which she will relocate to the village of Haven), or force her to leave.

Note: Vatna must be recruited before “In Your Heart Shall Burn”. After the fall of Haven, she is no longer available.

If the player chooses to recruit Vatna, she starts following them on their travels. In Haven, she stays by the lake, next to the training grounds of the Inquisition’s soldiers. In Skyhold, she dwells on the battlements by the Herald’s Rest, overlooking the valley below. The peregrine falcon is always seen nearby. Conversations with Vatna focus on magic, spirits, the Frostback Mountains, and the Avvar lore.

After the Herald seals the Breach, Vatna expresses her gratitude about them repairing the Veil (to which she refers as “the Lady’s Veil”). She says that she intends to stay until the one who opened it is defeated. In the following battle of Haven, she can be seen using her ice magic to kill or stagger the attacking forces. On the way to Skyhold, Vatna and her falcon help the Herald scout the path ahead, though she warns that she had heard awful tales about the fortress and the powers that permeate it.

Some time after the Inquisition reaches Skyhold, Vatna might ask for the Inquisitor’s assistance in helping the Avvar. As it turns out, she received the news from Two Falcon Hold that her people, as well as several neighbouring tribes, have been troubled by either the Venatori or the Red Templars. The Inquisitor can complete a war table mission that informs them about further evidence of Corypheus’ forces attempting to establish some kind of a covert operation in the Frostback Mountains, far from the eyes of sovereign nations like Ferelden and Orlais.

If the Inquisitor decides to investigate the lead, they and Vatna travel to the central part of the Frostback Mountains. At their destination, they are told that some Avvar have been injured or killed in skirmishes with Corypheus’ forces, and more people are missing without a trace, Vatna’s younger sister among them. Following the points of evidence to the source reveals that a member of the Venatori has been conducting research on the effect of high altitudes on blood magic potency (as hematocrit increases in an environment with lower oxygen supply). Once all the enemies are defeated, and the kidnapped Avvar are rescued, the Inquisitor may return to Two Falcon Hold with Vatna and speak with the members of the hold to learn more about their situation, and also about their relations with Vatna.

At the end of the mission, if Vatna’s approval is high enough, she approaches the Inquisitor and invites them to climb with her to a nearby mountain peak, where she confesses that she hadn’t shared full truth about herself, but now that the Inquisitor proven trustworthy, she wants them to know something - the falcon she travels with, Himnar, is actually a host to one of the spirits who have lived with her hold for many generations. Vatna and the spirit share a magical bond that allows them to communicate mentally. Moreover, Vatna is a Dreamer, and during her nightly visits in the “Land of Dreams”, she tries to decipher the omens sent by the gods. The reason she travelled into the Lowlands was that she had foreseen a possible catastrophe, but she didn’t know what exactly would happen. As a result, she arrived too late to do anything. At the end of the conversation, Vatna reiterates her wish to protect her people and spirits from dangers, known and unknown.

Afterwards, the Inquisitor and Vatna return to Skyhold. A contingent of the Inquisition’s soldiers is stationed in the Frostback Mountains to deal with the enemies that might still be lurking there.

Once Corypheus is defeated, Vatna expresses her thanks to the Inquisitor for using their power to thwart the Magister’s plans. She says that she intends to help with the remaining tasks, such as closing the rifts and getting rid of Corypheus’ forces thoroughly, but as soon as that’s finished, she has to return to her hold and take on the duties of a Sky Watcher, since her mentor is growing too old to handle everything himself. She invites the Inquisitor to visit her hold sometime in the future and stay as long as they wish.

Trespasser

If the Inquisitor is friends with Vatna:

Two years after Corypheus’ defeat, Vatna unexpectedly arrives in the Winter Palace - as always, with a falcon at her side. The Inquisitor may express their confusion at her visit, to which Vatna replies that the gods urged her to go, even if it meant leaving her people again. She adds that “there’s a disturbance in the Land of Dreams, and the Lady’s Veil is still weak at the seams.” She voices a profound concern about the state of the Inquisitor's Anchor.

While travelling through the Crossroads, she notes that she’s aware the sky is different, though she “could never see it with her own eyes”. If the Inquisitor is an elf, she asks them if they would want to live in a place like that. If the Inquisitor is not an elf, Vatna offers to cast a spell that could alleviate the tiredness that affects all non-elven races in the Crossroads.

If Cole is in the party, he and Vatna engage in a cryptic conversation about dreams.

As the Anchor becomes more volatile, Vatna attempts to stabilize it, but she’s unsuccessful.

In the end, Vatna is shown to have returned to her hold, but it’s hinted that she might be doing something in the Fade to lessen the turmoil among its denizens.

If the Inquisitor is not friends with Vatna:

A letter addressed to the Inquisitor arrives from the Frostback Mountains, signed by Sky Watcher Vatna of Two Falcon Hold. The Avvar mage writes that she and the Inquisitor may not have agreed much, but it’s not going to matter if the world is set on fire. She gives a warning about “travelling the lonely path”. The package that was delivered alongside the letter contains a clear crystal wrapped in a wolf pelt, with a description claiming that the crystal “lessens the headache of watching the other sky through the eyes that weren’t meant to gaze upon it”.

Quests

Made in Mountains (recruitment)

Times of Trouble (war table)

Fraught with Fury (personal)

Strong from Struggle (personal - very high approval)

Spoken Soft (romance)

Approval

Vatna approves of helping spirits and learning about various sources of magic. She appreciates when the Inquisitor regards her beliefs with respect. She favors a direct approach to solving problems.

If a quest involves spirits, the changes in Vatna’s approval occur even if she’s not in the active party.

Approval Gained

Main quests:

Allying with the rebel mages at the end of “In Hushed Whispers” - Approves.

Saying “Corypheus must be stopped” when accepting the title of Inquisitor - Greatly Approves.

Killing Florianne de Chalons during “Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts” - Approves.

Letting Celene execute Gaspard at the end of “Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts” - Approves.

Allowing the Grey Wardens to join the Inquisition at the end of “Here Lies the Abyss” - Slightly Approves.

Siding with Abelas at the Temple of Mythal during “What Pride Had Wrought” - Approves.

Drinking from the Well of Sorrows - Approves.

Allowing Morrigan to drink from the Well of Sorrows - Slightly Approves.

Side quests:

Discovering the landmarks associated with “Saga of Tyrdda Bright-Axe, Avvar-Mother” in the Hinterlands - Slightly Approves at each one.

Equipping her with Tyrdda’s Staff - Greatly Approves (this initiates a special cutscene).

Completing “Ballad of Lord Woolsley” in the Hinterlands by returning the ram to One Eyed Jim - Slightly Approves.

Completing “Trouble with Wolves” in the Hinterlands - Approves.

Destroying the summoning stones in Solas’ personal quest “All New, Faded for Her” - Greatly Approves.

Defeating Hand of Korth during “Lost Souls” in Fallow Mire - Greatly Approves.

Recruiting Amund into the Inquisition - Approves.

Completing “Burdens of Command” in Crestwood by fulfilling the request of the Spirit of Command - Approves.

Investigating Chateau d'Onterre in the Emerald Graves and killing the Arcane Horror that lurks there - Approves.

Completing “Call Me Imshael” in Emprise du Lion by killing Imshael - Approves.

Making Erimond tranquil in his judgement - Approves.

Completing “Fears of the Dreamers” in the Fade section of “Here Lies the Abyss” - Approves.

Jaws of Hakkon DLC:

Killing Hakkon’s dragon host - Greatly Approves.

Defeating Gurd Harofsen - Greatly Approves.

Rescuing Storvacker - Greatly Approves.

Accepting Runa's offer to be included in her prayer at the end of "Up and Away" - Approves.

Completing "The Loss of a Friend" by killing Grandin - Approves.

Telling Sigrid to talk to the augur at the end of “In Exile” - Greatly Approves.

Recruiting Sigrid into the Inquisition at the end of "In Exile" - Approves.

Speaking to Telana’s spirit: “You can rest now.” - Approves.

Completing “Hakkon’s Trials” - Slightly Approves.

Saying “Renewal?” when asked by the augur about the purpose of the rituals during “It Remains to be Seen”, showing that you understood it - Approves.

Giving the offering to the Master of the Hunt at the end of “A Father’s Name” - Approves.

Giving the offering to Finn at the end of “A Father’s Name” - Slightly Approves.

Saying “I am honored.” when accepting the legend-mark - Approves.

Approval Lost

Main quests:

Allying with the Templars at the end of “Champions of the Just” - Disapproves.

Saying “I’ll do it for my own power” when accepting the title of Inquisitor - Greatly Disapproves.

Arresting Florianne de Chalons during “Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts” instead of killing her - Slightly Disapproves.

Making Gaspard the sole ruler of Orlais - Greatly Disapproves.

Banishing the Grey Wardens at the end of “Here Lies the Abyss” - Disapproves.

Refusing to side with Abelas at the Temple of Mythal during “What Pride Had Wrought” - Disapproves.

Suggesting that the Well of Sorrows should be destroyed during “What Pride Had Wrought” - Disapproves.

Side quests:

Attacking Lord Woolsley during “Ballad of Lord Woolsley”, which causes him to transform into a Rage Demon - Greatly Disapproves.

Killing the Pride Demon in “All New, Faded for Her” without attempting to destroy the summoning stones - Greatly Disapproves.

Accepting any of Imshael’s offers in “Call me Imshael” - Greatly Disapproves.

Refusing to complete the request of the Spirit of Command during “Burdens of Command” in Crestwood - Disapproves.

Jaws of Hakkon DLC:

Refusing Runa's offer to be included in her prayer at the end of "Up and Away" - Disapproves.

Completing "The Loss of a Friend" by allowing Grandin to live - Greatly Disapproves.

Speaking to Telana’s spirit - “Leave, or be destroyed.” - Disapproves (If Cole or Solas are in the party, there’s an additional approval loss.)

Saying “I didn’t understand it.” or “Just tell me.” when asked by the augur about the purpose of the rituals during “It Remains to be Seen” - Disapproves.

If the player has killed any benevolent spirit, or Cole was expelled from the Inquisition, a special cutscene triggers upon the next return to Skyhold, in which Vatna threatens to leave the organization. She can be convinced to stay if her personal quest was initiated, or cast out right there and then.

If Vatna’s approval gets critically low, a cutscene will be initiated on the Skyhold battlements, where Vatna confronts the Inquisitor about their choices. She voices her regret about ever joining the Inquisition, saying that she would have fared better if she was on her own. The player can try to change her mind or tell her to leave, either way, the final result stays the same, with Vatna storming out of Skyhold, cursing the Inquisitor’s name.

Romance

Vatna is a potential love interest for male Inquisitors only.

The romance can be initiated after winning Vatna’s approval and completing her personal questline, including the approval-dependent conversation at the end of “Strong from Struggle”. Beforehand, there are several flirtatious dialogue options that can be chosen during conversations with Vatna, but she always swiftly changes the topic to something else, both in the case of male and female Inquisitors. Picking the flirtatious options doesn’t garner either approval or disapproval from Vatna, aside from a flirt line that can occur after rescuing the Avvar during “Fraught with Fury”, which results in “Disapproves” and a harsher reply.

Should the Inquisitor continue flirting with Vatna after her personal quest, she will eventually approach them in their quarters and express her intention to speak about the nature of their relationship. She and the Inquisitor go on a walk in the mountains surrounding Skyhold.

If the Inquisitor is female, Vatna gently tells her that she is not romantically interested in women, but she hopes to remain friends. She wishes the female Inquisitor good luck in her future pursuits. The Inquisitor may voice their dissatisfaction, to which Vatna will take offence, saying that she never hinted she was interested in the Inquisitor. Otherwise, they part on friendly terms.

If the Inquisitor is male, Vatna informs him that she indeed feels a connection between them, something more than friendship, but that she fears it might not be enough for him. Hesitating, she explains that she doesn’t experience sexual attraction, not towards the Inquisitor, nor anyone else she ever met in her life. In the past, she was romantically attracted to a man, someone she knew very well and cared for dearly, but in the end, the relationship didn’t work out, and she felt it was her fault. After sharing her point of view, Vatna asks the Inquisitor about their thoughts, saying she prefers to end it there and then if he finds such a situation an insurmountable obstacle.

At this point, the Inquisitor may disengage from the conversation, which ends the romance path, and depending on the dialogue option chosen, results in no approval change (and they part on friendly terms) or “Greatly Disapproves” from Vatna (if she was told she is “cold-hearted”).

However, if the Inquisitor decides to pursue the relationship, he and Vatna return to Skyhold together.

The party banter and ambient comments suggest that Vatna and the Inquisitor spend a lot of time together, which causes many rumours, especially among the Orlesian nobility visiting Skyhold. The companions may remark about the relationship and try to elicit a response from either Vatna or the Inquisitor, but Vatna always cuts them off.

One night, Vatna suddenly wakes up the Inquisitor, asking him if he remembers anything unusual from his recent dreams. If a mage, the Inquisitor may describe his dreams in more detail, if a non-mage, he may say that he vaguely recalls some dream (there are several options to choose from, including humorous options), either way, Vatna replies this is not what she meant. She explains that suspects a spirit is observing both her and the Inquisitor, but the being always hides away when she or her falcon try to approach it. She wishes to learn what the spirit wants and ask the Inquisitor for aid. If the Inquisitor agrees to her request, Vatna performs a ritual to send their minds into the Fade. Vatna and the Inquisitor investigate the magical landscape together, and eventually they manage to track down the spirit, which turns out to be a young Spirit of Love that became fascinated with the various types of relationships that formed in Skyhold and took particular interest in the bond between Vatna and the Inquisitor. Vatna encourages the spirit to cultivate its interest in love, as its kind is small in numbers.

After the final battle with Corypheus, Vatna shares a hug with the Inquisitor. Once the Inquisitor leaves the feast, she follows him upstairs, and they watch the sunrise together.

In Trespasser, Vatna reunites with the Inquisitor. Unlike in the non-romanced scenario, she is fully expected to arrive in the Winter Palace, and she exchanges warm greetings with the Inquisitor. As the Anchor grows more volatile, she actually succeeds in calming it, though only temporarily. Before the Inquisitor steps through the eluvian to meet Solas, Vatna makes him swear an oath that he will come back alive.

The epilogue shows that Vatna and the Inquisitor live in the Frostback Mountains.

Quotes

“The messengers of the Lady of the Skies led me here.”

“My mentor said that Fate is not written in stone.”

(To Cole) “You alone should choose which path you’ll follow.”

Trivia

All titles of quests that involve Vatna are taken from the Saga of Tyrdda Bright-Axe, Avvar-Mother.

In the promotional materials. Vatna is referred to as “The Forecaster”.

She is accompanied by a peregrine falcon and has a couple of its feathers attached to her clothes.

Vatna is classified as a mage, but she can be equipped both with staffs and melee weapons. Her skills are similar to that of Amund from Dragon Age: Inquisition Multiplayer.

Vatna acts friendly towards Cole, Solas, and Varric from the beginning. Over the consecutive banters, she warms up towards Cassandra, Iron Bull, and Blackwall.

In her location-specific remarks, she often comments on the weather and the behaviour of local birds.

If a quest involves spirits, the changes in Vatna’s approval occur even if she’s not in the active party, similar to how Cole’s approval can change in a number of quests without him being present.

She is the only companion that doesn’t have an approval change in Trespasser when the Inquisitor declares their intent about either saving or hunting down Solas.

[thosewickedlovelies]

we could be Dreamers - Prologue

Pairing: Marcus Moreno x GN!Reader

Rating: T

Summary: How this world came to be

Word count: 1,671

A/N: Hiii friends 🤗 soo there’s not really a lot of plot or Marcus Moreno :( here, but consider this a prologue/worldbuilding for a Marcus Moreno x reader fic I may eventually write lol. I’m really interested in how this universe got from The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl to We Can Be Heroes, because like. Sharkboy and Lavagirl were literally just some kid’s imaginary friends that somehow magically became real, so what does that mean for the other Heroics? Where did they come from?? So I kinda wanted to write something that would make you Think :) and explore the ramifications of such a transformed universe.

Consider my previous Marcus Moreno fic a prelude to this prologue 💗

--

It was a little unnerving sometimes, being in a room with so much power. No matter that this particular training arena at Heroics Headquarters was at least the size of an American football field- when all of the Heroics are gathered in the same confined space, focused on a single purpose, you can feel it. Like their power prances tauntingly in the corner of your eye, slipping away when you try to look directly at it. Like it winds through the air, worming its way into your veins, so your very blood breathes at you to run, run, run.

Not all of the individual Heroics gave off such uncanny vibes; some were simply ordinary people with extraordinary abilities. Techo-No, for instance, and his gift for creating fantastical gadgets. The implications of his works relevant to the world at large could be worrying, but he had limits. He was just a man. Determined, and creative (even more so with his son throwing ideas at him), but ultimately human.

Not like those with powers who’d been Dreamed.

Take Sharkboy. The temper for which he’d been infamous in his youth had cooled, but when he snapped, he did so literally- blade-sharp teeth an audible clash when he bared them in a ringing snarl. Any water in the room would roil and froth- but the most hair-raising sight was his eyes, tinged with the unreadable, abyssal blackness of his namesake. Focused with a predator’s calculation on the object of his fury. (It made you think that, ironically, his temper had cooled too much- concentrated into something as icy and merciless as the depths of the sea. Just as well his wife was a lava goddess).

It was well-documented that Sharkboy could influence his oceanic kin, seeing as he was half-shark himself. Some marine biologists postulated- in low voices- that fluctuation in his emotions could unknowingly influence shark activity no matter how far from the sea he was. But nobody at Heroics Headquarters had ever dared suggest attempting a study.

That you knew of, anyway. You wouldn’t be surprised if there was a classified government branch somewhere which dealt solely with more insidious studies of the Heroics. Their weaknesses. Ways to defeat them.

Just in case.

Sharkboy and his emotions had stabilized as his Dreamer matured, but not all Dreamers were so invested in the well-being of their creations, or of the world they inhabited and could inadvertently affect. It was suspected that not all Dreamers knew that they had Dreamed at all, that they unintentionally brought Dreams into being far from where they were located and simply never became aware. This resulted in some Dreamed individuals being...unstable. Incomplete, really. Brought forth from a child’s mind, a young person who didn’t yet fully grasp the complexities of existing in this world, or indeed, the intricacies of what made one human at all.

Dreamers were children, more often than not. Their imaginative abilities generally far outstripped those of adults, worn down as they were with the grind of building a real life. The younger the person, the more time and creativity they maintained. The fewer methods they possessed to process their struggles which were grounded in reality, and not their imaginations.

--

Despite the years that have passed, nobody quite knows what happened to lead up to the Incident. How a single young boy had imagined so powerfully that it had warped reality; how his imaginings had given him the ability to design the universe at will.

The Daydreamer.

Max, as he later insisted on being called. An almost disturbingly innocuous name for a boy who had changed the world. Who had all but envisioned himself into having terrific powers- and enabled others to do the same.

In the years following the Incident, Sharkboy and Lavagirl continued to visit him in secret (Later, scientists realized that this why they recorded occasional, inexplicable disturbances in seismic and marine activity). But it wasn’t long before a larger threat to the entire Earth appeared- and so did they. To defend the place which they declared to be their new home. Though they had been willed into existence to protect Planet Drool, as Max determined to relinquish his daydreaming abilities and by extension, his dreamworld, so did the planet and its life diminish. Their presence there was no longer required, they’d explained. But earth could still benefit from their protection- especially after the reality of the threat came to light.

Someone else had Dreamed.

It wasn’t clear who, or how, or what their intentions had been. But once it had been said, everyone was forced to acknowledge the truth of it- or at least, admit that there was no other explanation. The villain’s origins were not terrestrial in any previously established sense.

Anyone who had ever met a child could have a predicted it. Too many young people ended up feeling outcast, overlooked, by both their peers and adults in their lives. It should have been obvious from the way they whispered his name. Not Max- a moniker far too average and relatable- but what they reverently regarded as his true title. The Daydreamer. A near-holy figure who had changed the game for youths everywhere. Now they had a way to combat those who plagued them. A way to create or become the superheroes who previously only existed in comic books and TV shows.

Or some did, anyway. Individuals with the strength of will and heart to Dream weren’t rare, but they weren’t quite common, either.

The only truly neutral positive of the Dreamer evolution was that governments everywhere suddenly accepted the need for increased mental health resources. Designed to increase healthy socialization for all ages and give young people ways to process and communicate their emotional needs, such programs were approved seemingly overnight in schools from elementary to university aged. “Small town life” flourished, and many city quarters and apartment buildings took to implementing “community builders” or, less charmingly, “social facilitators”- positions designed to create cohesive areas of living and minimize the kind of isolation and negative feelings that could leave someone to Dream of improving their life.

--

Nowadays, not all super-powered individuals were Dreamed. The second generation of Heroics was a testament to that. As if the universe itself had reckoned with the self-inception of the Dreamers, and seen fit to provide reality-warping countermeasures of its own.

Less than a year after the Incident, babies with...unique qualities began to be born. Few and far between, it seemed at first. Whispered reports swept from far corners of the globe, a phone tree branching from frantic parents to anyone who could provide even the slightest bit of reassurance. It seemed like doctors everywhere were swapping glances, no one willing to admit what was happening- until a second Villain appeared.

Every incident report said the same thing: a baby started crying, and then the hostages were saved by a power outage. A wash of sparks that darkened half the city.

Webbed with red lightning.

You sneak a look at the fully grown Heroic now, the long braids of her ponytail slipping over the shoulder of her characteristic red training outfit. Red Lightning Fury flexes her fingers as she listens to the head trainer explain today’s exercise- the usual sort of ‘heroes versus villains’ battles, with you and your fellow specialists assisting as villains- but judging by the lack of the smell of ozone, she isn’t yet using her powers. Blinding Fast, on the other hand, appears to fritz in place every few seconds, and you guess he’s running invisible laps to pass the time. It’s hard to tell if that’s what’s causing Lavagirl’s hair to tendril like neon pink smoke even though she’s standing still; usually the hypnotic heat shimmer of her lava flow causes the effect naturally.

You stretch in place while team arrangements are announced. As the majority of the Heroics filter into the stands to wait for their match, the buzzing, writhing presence of their power fades, and you can breathe more easily.

A figure flickers into being beside you, and you jump. “Jeez, Visi! How many times have I told you not to do that?”

Having anticipated your reaction from the countless previous times she’s snuck up on you anyway, Invisigirl laughs. “You think you’d be used to it by now.” Your closest Heroic friend grins at you, all pearly teeth against smooth brown skin.

And she’s right, which is why you were so disgruntled. Having been caught unawares too many times by the invisible hero’s silent movements, you had once asked her to give you lessons. Her instruction had improved your own stealth immensely, and now that you knew what kind of signs to listen for, her attempts at startling you didn’t work nearly as often as they had. But- “It’s hard to focus on anything with all of your powers clogging up the air,” you grumble. The birthed heroes understood what you meant- they felt it too, the nagging hiss of something other in the Dreamed heroes’ energy.

Across the arena, it looks like Miracle Guy and Marcus Moreno are waiting to be your opponents. Interesting. Miracle Guy, with his Dreamed up Superman-like abilities, was the only one who had a way of seeing Invisigirl. What it was precisely, you couldn’t recall. You make a mental note to ask Visi later.

Marcus, however, telekinesis aside, is clearly meant to be the counter to your strengths. The two men are discussing intently, but as if feeling your assessing stare, Marcus glances over. He lifts his eyebrows at you in playful challenge, a hint of a smile quirking his shapely lips before he’s pursing them at his duel-mate again.

Suppressing the pleased flutter down your spine, you turn your attention to the task ahead as Invisigirl dips her head toward you. Planning something clever, you realize, intrigued by the glint in her eye. “Let’s talk strategy.”

When the starting bell rings, your partner vanishes, and your smile curves as sharp and gleaming as the blade in your hand.

[bettsfic]

hi, i was reading your years in review and i noticed that you quit a job of many years to go your own way. i was wondering if you would mind talking about this decision/if you struggled with it? idk i've always told myself that i wouldn't let the idea of a "career" get in the way of what i want (e.g. writing) and that one day (shortly after 30?) i would just quit whatever job i had and go my own way, but as that deadline comes up i find it harder to imagine how i could just uproot myself...

yes, i very much did struggle with the decision to quit (what i thought was) my very stable and lucrative career in finance to get an MFA in creative writing. it’s a bit of a long story so i’m putting it under a cut.

warning for suicidality and sexual assault.

i used to believe i grew up poor, but it was the 90s so poverty looked very different. my dad didn’t work for a long time, and so we only had one income, and we lived in an apartment that was kind of a lowkey hoarder home. as a kid, all i knew was that i didn’t get to have toys, or my own space, and i wasn’t allowed to have friends over. the concept of an allowance was totally alien to me. but it also wasn’t like i ever went hungry. the food we had wasn’t particularly healthy but it was always there.

i didn’t really realize how much that instability affected me until much later, when i noticed other people hadn’t lived their entire lives aware of and obsessed with money. i used to compulsively count the change in my piggy bank and beg my mom to take it so she could pay her taxes (i didn’t know what taxes meant, i just assumed they were the reason we couldn’t afford nice things). 

my safe haven was always my grandparents’ house, which was clean and had semi-healthy food and the door was always open. my grandpa was a high school chemistry teacher. my grandma worked at a bank. growing up, i had no idea what she did at the bank, just that it sponsored all the fun things we did, like going to amusement parks and baseball games. my parents never took my sister and i on vacation, but every year, my grandma would drive us to visit our family in missouri, which, even though it only cost the gas to get there, seemed like a wild indulgence to me.

i started working at 16 so i could have my own money. by 17 i was working illegally full-time and getting paid under the table. then i bought my own car, and shortly after i turned 18 i got my own apartment. even though i could pay my bills, i was still terrified about money. i thought about it all the time. i checked my bank account multiple times a day. i was a cashier at a restaurant and i would often open my drawer and just stare at the money or count it when i was bored.

but i hated working at the restaurant, and one day i thought to myself, how can i keep the money part of this job but lose the food part? then i remembered my grandma’s career at the bank (from which by then she’d retired), and that afternoon i sat down and applied to be a teller at the very same bank. obviously the bank was very large and it wasn’t like my grandma was in management. she worked in ATM operations. nobody on my hiring committee knew who she was, and honestly i have no idea how i got the job.

i stayed a teller through college, working 25ish hours a week. it didn’t pay very well and i was still nervous about money, so i picked up a job altering bridal gowns on evenings and weekends, and also an admin job at my university. so i was working 60ish hours a week, plus going to school full-time and trying to keep up my 4.0. in retrospect, i can’t remember how necessary all this was. i know i was living in an apartment whose rent was higher than i could afford, and i lived with my boyfriend who was struggling to find a job. anyway, it was definitely the lowest time of my life, and i was so exhausted that every day i hoped something horrible would happen to me so i could be hospitalized and rest. 

then something horrible did happen. my dad died. and even though everyone in my life was telling me to please dear god take a break, i did not. 

i got promoted to business finance, which paid what seemed at the time to be an ungodly amount of money. i was still part-time and finishing up my undergrad degree. once i graduated, i got promoted to full-time. for the first couple years, i really did try to be a banker. i was good at my job only insofar as someone who is left-handed can write with their right hand if forced for long enough. it felt very much like i was in the wrong place, but by that point i had so much unchecked trauma that i had convinced myself the highest human ideal was misery and deprivation. i wish i was kidding. i was the definition of ascetic and martyred myself. i didn’t believe happiness existed. work was all that mattered to me.

then i bought a house. so at this point, i had student loans, a car loan, a mortgage, and credit card debt. after my dad’s death, my mom had to file for bankruptcy because of all the medical bills. she abandoned her house. by this point i was 23, single, in six figures of debt with no familial support net, but i was making decent money at the bank, so it wasn’t like i was drowning. in fact i was doing pretty well. the bank was a rock in my very turbulent life. i got a lot of vacation time that allowed me to travel a bit. i had insurance and a matching 401(k). it was really a decent job.

but the bank was also in many ways an abusive relationship. i don’t mean that metaphorically. i had bosses who manipulated me, insulted me, humiliated me in front of other people. i had one boss who went so far as to look at my checking account and ridicule my purchases. i didn’t have any idea what it meant to stand up for myself or say no. in fact i wasn’t allowed to say no. my job at the bank involved solving other people’s problems. i could never say “i can’t solve that problem.” i could only say “i’ll figure it out.”

i had convinced myself working at the bank was a stable career because it was boring and i hated it. but actually it wasn’t stable at all. after 2008, there were mass layoffs and restructures every year while the bank tried to recover from the recession. i worked for a sales team, and so my job was dependent entirely on whether or not the salespeople did their jobs well. if they didn’t make goal, they’d get fired. if they got fired, i’d get fired. 

i started trying to date again and was sexually assaulted. after that i really struggled at work because i was dissociating a lot and couldn’t focus. my team, despite my having worked there for years, instead of being concerned for me decided to start complaining about me to my boss. finally i had to tell a coworker what happened and that i wasn’t doing very well. my team started being a little nicer to me but ultimately they didn’t care about me, they cared about how effective i was at my job. my boss didn’t want to fire me, so instead i was pushed onto another team.

that move came with a raise. then that team was dismantled and i was pushed onto another team. that was a demotion, but i got to keep my raise from the previous move. by then, i was working from home, and even though i was more comfortable i was also very isolated and miserable. my “fulfillment through deprivation” attitude was destroying me. i wasn’t eating well or taking care of myself. i was isolated and lonely. i still didn’t believe happiness was real and i constantly thought about killing myself. 

but i had started writing fanfiction, and even though i didn’t think i was any good at it, i was beginning to see a way out. i was beginning to learn how to dream, and want things, and give myself the things i wanted. i just couldn’t imagine leaving the bank, or selling my house, or moving out of my hometown. all of that seemed impossible to me.

then i had to go to a business conference where my team had a retirement party for one of my coworkers. she’d done what i was doing for 45 years. by that point i was at the 9 year mark. i’d spent my entire adult life at the bank. and i realized: the bank benefited from my fear and passivity, and nothing in my life was going to change unless i was willing to make sacrifices. 

but i still wasn’t entirely convinced. and then came the day i had to physically hold onto my desk to keep me from killing myself. i didn’t end up trying it, because i had another realization: this was a life or death situation now. if i kept working at the bank, i knew i would die. i knew eventually i would get low enough to do it. i didn’t actually want to die; i wanted an escape and didn’t know what else to do. suddenly i was off the hook. my options were not “financial stability or imminent poverty” but “live or die.” 

those were the big epiphanies i had, but the process of actually leaving the bank was a slow one. i wrote a bit about it here. i got into an MFA program basically by telling myself repeatedly i would figure out the money stuff later. when it came time to quit the bank, my boss convinced me to stay on working part-time, with the assumption i would move back to full-time once i’d graduated. i agreed to it, because just trying to quit was enough to convince me i could, and that better things were ahead of me. for a year and a half, i stayed on working two days a week while doing my MFA, which involved both coursework and teaching, and it felt a bit like it did during undergrad, having too many jobs and no time to breathe or think or feel anything.

between my first and second year, i had a looooong overdue mental breakdown. there were a lot of causes, but one of them was spreading myself too thin. shortly after, i quit for good. by then it didn’t feel like a big deal at all, i was so far removed from the work and my team and so focused on my degree. one day i turned on my work laptop and the next day i didn’t. i shipped it back to HQ and it was over.

then i graduated from the MFA and suddenly had to face the consequences of this life i’d chosen. my school kept me on as an adjunct, but it felt like being a ghost. i no longer had the community of my cohort. i had no health insurance. i was given my teaching schedule and a contract to sign, that’s it. there was no guarantee i would be getting classes the following semester, and after a year, that was what happened. i remember sitting in my favorite coffee shop trying not to cry when i got the email that said the department had nothing for me to teach the following semester.

i really wasn’t the same after the breakdown. i went from “i can do anything i put my mind to no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts” to “i have to step carefully, and treat myself gently.” i hadn’t fully realized that yet, though, so i tried to get a Real Job. i got the first and only job i applied to, because i am bad at nearly everything but somehow i’m exceptional in interviews. it wasn’t a bank but it offered the same sort of benefits package. it was a full-time salaried position at a non-profit. if i had found it earlier, i think it would have been my dream job. it was the kind of work you throw yourself into because you care so much about doing good. 

i lasted a month. during the first week something happened that triggered me in a way i’m very rarely triggered. i realized i needed disability accommodations, but i needed to go to a doctor to get an assessment and i had to be on the team 60 days in order to get insurance. i thought i could white-knuckle it, and i could, sort of, but every minute i was at work, it felt like i was forced away from the thing i should have been doing. i was constantly trying to write a few paragraphs here and there on my phone when no one was looking. i had to find excuses to take breaks and go to my car and breathe. at one point i told a volunteer i was an english instructor, and she looked at me very confused, and i realized i’d said it in present tense, like it was part of who i was and not a job i did for a while. then finally, my breaking point was an after-hours function. when i left i saw a field full of fireflies and thought about how, if i’d just stayed home, i could have sat outside and enjoyed them all evening, not just a glance at them on the way to my car. i liked the job but it was making me miss all the things i’d learned to love about being alive.

i quit the next day. i’d sold my house by then (which was its own feat) and moved in with my grandma, which hadn’t been a possibility until my grandpa passed away the previous spring. i paid off my car. i figured out finally that i would probably never be able to work full-time again unless it was teaching, and that the downside to this life would be accepting fear and instability, only being able to look ahead one semester at a time. staying open to the opportunities that arise. being a little selfish. 

i wrote a bit more about the financial realities of the writing life here. i can’t tell you what you should do, because the path i took definitely isn’t the path for everyone, but i do believe we all owe it to ourselves to pursue our best and happiest lives, because we only get one, and there’s no reason not to live it the way you want to.