#It's not helped by my weird inclination to just keep doing something if it happens too many times in a row

[seafoam-taide]

(Wondering why I've been feeling like total garbage shit for days on end) (remembers that I actually have a genuine hardcore hyperfixation right now and for some stupid fucking reason I just stopped playing the game for like a week now) FUCK !!! I'M SO FUCKING STUPID OH MY GOD I LITERALLY JUST HAVE TO PLAY REGRETEVATOR TO FIX ME OH MY GODDD

[ckret2]

Ages ago I made a post about what Ford thinks about Bill (in a billford context), and I've had an infodump on what Bill thinks about Ford floating on discord for months, and an ask finally prompted me to post it, so here ya go:

If asked why he likes Ford, Bill himself claims that Ford overthinks everything, but in such fun, interesting ways, and Bill likes the way Ford thinks about things.

But really, Bill overthinks everything too; it's just he overthinks social things. He's always calculating how to persuade, control, manipulate people. He never has a conversation that isn't a chess game, it's exhausting and he won't even admit it's exhausting. When's the last time his top priorities weren't either "how do I convince some sucker to make a portal" or "ugggh I'm so SICK of the PORTAL I'm gonna THROW A PARTY and NOT THINK AT ALL"

Whereas Ford is guy who'd hear someone say something incorrect and bluntly go "no you're wrong" and accidentally offend the hell out of them because he's SO excited to share this fantastic information they don't know. The social world DOES NOT EXIST for him until he's reminded of it.

And so he's free to turn all his brainpower instead to. Like. The environmental impact of barf fairies on fern fertilizer or whatever.

Bill knows Everything™ but he's gotten tired of doing anything with that knowledge. They're all discrete points of information to him. He doesn't have time to muse over things, he's got an inventor to manipulate at 11pm and then a party to get to at midnight. He's never once in his life thought about the impact of barf fairies on the local flora. But he does happen to know the plants in that part of the woods are more acid-resistant and wow is that why???? He's never even thought to think about that before. Thousand year mystery that Bill didn't even notice has been solved.

(On the other hand "Ford doesn't think to think about the intricacies of social interaction" is also part of what makes him so easy to manipulate, he's so much more inclined to just accept at face value a friendly offer of assistance on a big academic project. Sure Bill's helping for the sake of scientific advancement in and of itself, why wouldn't he?)

Bill wants to just, fling random facts at Ford and see if he can think up connections between them. Go nerd boy go nerd boy go

"... So there you have it Ford, that's the problem you'll have to overcome with adapting alien machinery to human fuel sources, now I wanna hear YOUR thoughts on how to overcome that problem." "Well—" talks in an uninterrupted stream that by thirty minutes in has drifted over to the history of kerosene production, which he read an interesting book about between semesters in college— "... I've gotten off topic, haven't I?" "No no, I think you're on to something. This is how brainstorming works, free association of concepts. Keep going."

Ford in the morning: "... oh no I didn't let my muse get a word in edgewise for the rest of the dream, i didn't bore him did I?" Bill: "damn, I never noticed the patent process for hurricane lamps was so contentious. There's little dramas everywhere"

When things are going well, their relationship is,

Ford: "I just wanna hear Bill teach me things about the multiverse forever."

Bill: "I just wanna hear Ford think deeply on any topic that crosses his mind forever."

Both of them when they're in peak harmony: excitedly jabbering at each other at 200 words per minute about the stupidest topic you've ever heard, but you'd need a phd in at least two fields to comprehend it

That's love!!!

Ford, having historically been socially shamed: "... am I being weird?"

Bill: "💕❤️💓yeah❣️💖❤️‍🔥"

Sometimes I think about Bill watching Ford in his sleep and being in awe at this human-shaped genius: you with your beautiful electric mind, packed into this soft flawed uneven body. one would never know it from the outside—but you're in there. This genius with a mind like a galaxy. ... and he's like, growing hair and stuff. wild.

[chaotic-archaeologist]

so back in 2005-2007 I was an anthropology major, I was told that matriarchies never existed. at the time my professor said that it was kinda sexist that anthropology thought that way. so I wonder if anything has changed since then. I'm not talking about the weird mother goddess cult that hippy 2 wave feminist wanted but like, people who say they are like the muoso (I'm sorry if I spelt that wrong), and other groups. I've heard several native Americans from varrying nation that said their culture was matriarchal, and if modern anthropologist are taught that the experts on society are the people in that society, why do/did anthropologist decided a matriarchal society was impossible. I know this could take a long time to answer so if it's too long for you maybe just some helpful links to an article if you know of one.

So the answer—as always, with anthropology—is complicated.

Saying that XYZ never happened is difficult, given that all it takes is one positive instance to disprove the statement. Yes, there certainly have been (and still are) matriarchal societies. (Please also keep in mind that matriarchal societies aren't inherently better that patriarchal societies based on that one trait alone.)

If I had to guess, what you were told was the product of several theological whiplashes in anthropological theory. And you are indeed correct: some of it has to do with Second Wave Feminism. Archaeology and anthropology have been unfortunately late to the ballgame, and feminism is one of those topics.

Basically, for a long time anthropology was dominated by rich white dudes who believed that men were the center of all anthropological innovations ever (more or less, this is the simplified version). Then in the 80s/90s, Second Wave feminists managed to break into the discipline and the stance went from everything is patriarchal to everything is matriarchal.

"Whoa," said the male anthropologists who were feeling Threatened™ "we don't like that at all." Which results in a second over-correction back to the insistence that there was nothing matriarchal. If I had to guess, this is the general series of events that found its way into your classroom in the mid 00s.

If you fancy a deep dive into a good example of early feminist anthropology, check out The Gender of the Gift: Problems with Women and Problems with Society in Melanesia by Marilyn Strathern (first published in 1988). Or, if you're not inclined to read the whole thing, just read the very last five pages titled Comparison. Or you can read a review of the book from shortly after it first came out.

Other anthropologists are encouraged to chime in, and especially tell me if I've said something wrong.

-Reid

[regular-gnome]

I adore your Archivists and the lore you make for them and their personalities and relationships between each other and Collector! You don't paint them as Good but misunderstood or cartoonishly evil.

They are god-like entities and their morality system and values are way to different for mortals to easily relate and understand. And good luck for them to not grow up with an issue or two and then proceed to raise a young collector with no problems =3

Also a question if you don't mind👉👈(sorry if you already answered it, my memory is bad TT) So all five of them are collectors(and they are the only ones of their kind), the siblings have a different name for their group why? And our Collector's name is the same as species or will he have something his own later like others when he is older?

The empty, uncaring void filled with extinction and destruction is not a place where kids grow happily without any lasting issues and from a mortal point of view - a weird perception of good but they are trying

I don't think anyone has asked about this one yet! Their names are related to their identity and that connects to their history; they don't really use individual ones, but rather what describes who they are.

I've put the reasoning and my stab at the lore under the cut since I thought it might be a bit long and not everyone into it (and I just figured out how to add the read more cut so im gonna use it)

They are not the only ones in existence; they are just in this part of the galaxy we see. In the beginning, when the universe wasn't as expanded, the Children of the Stars were closer to each other, exploring the young galaxy together and living among other living creatures - mortals.

After the extinction event that left the children alone on the barren world, they decided not to let it ever happen again. They began collecting life from the surroundings and spread it to uninhabited systems, later establishing the first archive to help with it. Thats when they started call each others collectors, and after creating archive those collectors connected to it that cared for and used it were archivists. It didn't go fantastic, they were young figuring things out on the way, the lessons they learned got contained in the Guidebook everyone took. At this point, they also realized that everything they were doing was not enough. The galaxy was too vast, with too many worlds facing their ends too far apart. They separated making own archives, now too far away to ever really meet and find each other.

On how it realates to names. Collie is a kid, they are a collector so The Collector, they live around the archive but it's not their responsibility at this point -it's The Archivists. As Collector grows up and becomes an Archivist they can take a specific set of tasks and be associated with them taking on a title. However, this also means that titles can change.

The first sibling in the story, after establishing their archive, was just named The Archivist. When another collector grew up to help, they divided roles, with Curator handling organization inside the archive and Naturalist handling "ground work". Later, the tasks of the Naturalists were divided, now becoming Anatomist and dealing with the living environment and Architects handling the unliving aspects . Following Archivist became The Wayfarer, responsible for keeping track of every collected place and noting any changes they undergo. They scout out planets that are to be added to the archive.

I'm not certain what Collie would want to do in the future. I think they might be inclined towards tasks related to being around mortals as they are pretty social, so they could probably take on some responsibilities from Anatomist and Wayfarer. But, I can't say for sure what title they might take

And here's a fun little aspect: the universe didn't stop expanding. The places their archive reaches keep getting further away and more advanced systems, so planets that are more than basic fauna and flora are more prone to collapsing. At some point, probably when Collie is an Archivist, the archive might have to split, and the names will shift again

[y-rhywbeth2]

Something I love about BG1+2 is how it simultaneously plays and subverts the demigod/chosen one narrative (which continues in BG3, except with only the subversion. (And Halsin is not joking when Durge tells him what they are: Do NOT advertise that you're a Bhaalspawn.))

I've always been fond of the set up in Saradush in ToB, where the surviving children of Bhaal are being corralled into the besieged city under promise of protection against the entire world - because basically literally the entire world is trying to kill the Bhaalspawn: Your more powerful siblings want you dead; your mortal neighbours, and likely your nation itself either thinks you're inherently evil and are ready to kill you, or you represent such a threat that they're ready to drive you out and/or kill you just in case. Case in point: the aforementioned siege outside the city walls with the army that wants you dead currently raining giant flaming rocks of death over your head.

Some of these guys have no idea what they are, or what's happening, until attempted murder happens.

Like this discussion with one of your random brothers, a guy called Alexander:

Alexander: "You don't look like one of the locals. Are you a child of Bhaal as well, lured here like the rest of us to face our inevitable end?" Charname: "As well? What do you mean?" Alexander: "I myself am one of Bhaal's progeny - or so I've been told. I guess Bhaal's blood runs thicker in some of his children than in others." Sarevok: "By your snivelling manners, I would say Bhaal's blood runs very thin indeed in your veins. Bah-why do I even waste my breath tormenting this cowering cur?" Alexander: "Uh... is there anything else I can help you with?" Charname: "How did you get here exactly?" Alexander: "I wasn't brought here by Melissan, like some of the others. My home village was burned to the ground by a dragon who claimed to be hunting me. My friends... my family... they threatened to give me to the dragon if I didn't leave. So I did. And I heard a lot of other Bhaalspawn were coming here. *sigh* Now I almost wish I hadn't come."

Spoiler alert: He dies. Every single Bhaalspawn in that city dies*, along with everybody except a handful of commoners (*except maybe Viekang, who was not particularly inclined to murder me, so Murder in Baldur's Gate is weird.)

You, a simple peasant from a farming village one day come of age and learn that your absent father was a god, and you are forced to flee forces that are trying to kill you (in this case, your much more powerful half-brother)... it sounds like the start to some kind of fantasy epic, but instead of any fancy destiny you end up in a war torn city surrounded by castoff divine bastards just like you, terrified and unwanted, and then you die, and are forgotten.

And that's what being a Bhaalspawn is!

Whatever grand lies Bhaal tells you in your dreams about how you're special and great power awaits you (if you behave and do his will), your job is: sow death, faith, fear and chaos wherever you roam, strengthen Bhaal's power, and then be a good child and die for Father. No exceptions, save perhaps one, who is explicitly a special prophecy child, and even then is supposed to be doomed by future FR canon because they're still Bhaal's "pawn". There's also Imoen, who might be spared simply by proximity to said prophecy child keeping her alive. Non-game "canon" screwed her over hard. (FR canon and I have a complicated relationship, it must be said. All copies of those books are to be ritualistically burned.)

idk where I'm going with this, I just love how bleak the situation in the city is. No grand destinies, only a discardable pawn to be used, abused and consumed.

...And also that part where Tethyr sends an army to kill you because obviously you are guilty of "crimes against [Tethyr] and, indeed, all of humanity!" by supposedly killing a whole city: They admit they can't prove it, but you're a child of murder, you were born guilty even if you didn't actively do anything.

No, really:

General Jamis Tombelthen: "You are guilty, [Charname]. Of this there is no doubt. And we will not risk your further endangerment of us all. You are a spawn of Bhaal and responsible for the destruction of the city of Saradush*. Your execution has been ordered, [Charname]. May the gods have mercy on your soul."

* I implore you to move with great urgency to intercept the Bhaalspawn before they can do any more damage. Whether or not they are responsible for what occurred in Saradush, we cannot allow them to continue and cannot afford the time for trial... - Tombelthen's orders, courtesy of the Queen of Tethyr

[emry-stars-art]

Oooh do go on about raven neil and jean 👀 (if you’re so inclined ☺️) - @neil-jostenminyard

*chanting* raven Neil raven Neil raven Neil (and lots of Jean) (quite possibly even jeaneil) (although most of the thoughts are post-ravens lol)

So my personal thoughts about this are also mostly thanks to chats and inspiration/prompting from @jtl-fics and @greenautumnleaves so if you see any additions from them on this post it's most likely also thoughts I adore lol

Anyway this got kind of long so:

I ALSO latched onto Sakavic's statement that Neil wouldn't leave Jean in the nest bc yeah it makes sense and also ow

But just the two of them being partnered up like Riko and Kevin as is common in these aus, and then after Kevin gets out first, they have to stick together and rely on each other even MORE because Riko is pissed that Kevin is gone and probably takes it out on the next closest two idk

But in our imaginings, Renee or Andrew get Jean out quicker than in canon, again because Neil would refuse to leave Jean behind and I can only imagine he'd go so far as to trick or manipulate Jean into leaving. Maybe by being at a certain place at a certain time to get picked up, however he can make it happen. But the issue we run into is that once that's done, what the hell would Neil have left at Evermore, besides Exy that maybe he still loves deep down. But Exy's been so warped being raised on it at the nest that at that point his obsession is barely recognizable.

Kevin might recognize this, because he knew Neil in the nest. Or at least he knew the person that Neil presented himself as. But it's probably more likely that Jean recognizes this, and yeah things are super rocky and weird but Jean can barely even function without Neil. So back a fox goes to rescue their second raven's partner.

They bring Neil back to Palmetto and he and Jean are completely inseparable. Emotionally and physically. Neither of them act like, feel like, or even call themselves "touchy feely" or "clingy" people but as soon as Neil is treated for various intense and mysterious injuries, they're curled up in some hidden place for hours. Even the short time having left Neil behind made Jean almost too anxious to leave his room. Even the short time without Jean - now with more punishment for aiding Jean's escape - was enough for Neil to consider something drastic.

(side note: Andrew now has not one, not two, but three gorgeous tragic boys under his supervision and I'm sure he's handling that totally normally lmao. But it's so obvious to him that Jean and Neil have something going on that any ideas for himself aren't worth entertaining.)

So it's a little easier to ease out of various habits and thought processes because Jean and Neil are doing it together, with outside help. They fix their sleep cycles/rhythms, try a slightly more normal college diet, and most slowly lose their "win or die" mindset in practices. They're still never seen without each other - Wymack had a talk with some of the school board about their schedules and dorm arrangements for the first semester. In reality, he's not sure if he should have them go cold turkey on raven habits or if he should take it slower, but he's doing his damn best to get these boys adjusted to life outside a cult. And Neil and Jean, whether or not they actively realize it, find that step to be the one they absolutely cannot take. Why would they go through the agony of learning to live separately if they don't have to. When no one else understands them like the other, when they've already seen each other's worst so nothing else is worth keeping secret between them. Who else is Jean going to go to when having a better life makes him feel like he more deserves death or punishment and the guilt hits him so hard he can't breathe, much less sleep. Who else is Neil going to go to when he can't let go of his birthright - if he isn't good at what he does (Exy) he literally could just be shot like a lame horse - and he's not allowed to go practice Exy against a wall to the point of tearing himself apart anymore so he forces his feet away from the court to find the only person he knows he'll listen to when they say no.

Kevin, of course, is keeping a close eye on the two, whether unintentionally or on purpose is unclear. Neil still has a mouth on him, he sometimes plays mind games with the foxes like chess against himself, and most of all does not allow anyone to get too close to Jean. Jean is still quiet, having learned not only to take a punishment without resistance but also that Neil will speak first. Neil will resist so Jean doesn't have to. He's safer in Neil's shadow.

Maybe it's a phrase or warning that Neil uses and that Kevin recognizes. Maybe it's a gesture between Neil and Jean that Kevin oversees. Maybe it's just the general demeanor of the two. But whatever it is is familiar to Kevin, not in a "I remember this from them in the nest" way. He can recognize by now that Riko was not good to him, he can acknowledge it even if the rest of him hasn't caught up. He looks at Jean in Neil's shadow and remembers himself in Riko's.

As if Butcher's son Nathaniel Wesninski wasn't already scary enough on his own.

But Kevin won't allow this kind of thing on his court, and he's not good at it but he is still trying to let go of unhealthy raven ideals. If Neil is holding onto some fucked up dynamic, Kevin is going to put a stop to it.

He pulls Jean aside, a miraculous feat. He asks what Neil has done.

"Mistake" might be an understatement.

It could very easily be the longest string of words Jean has said to anyone besides Neil. Kevin doesn't know near as much French as he does in canon - Neil is the one that shares that secret defiance - so it's all clear English, Jean making sure Kevin understands every word. Kevin should never speak about Neil that way again. He knows nothing about them, he shouldn't so much as pretend to understand Neil. Neil is the only good thing that ever happened to Jean. Kevin never cared enough to bring it up in the nest, so he has no right to start caring now.

It isn't great for their already tumultuous relationship. Kevin wonders for a bit if Jean would tell Neil about it - then next practice Neil doesn't even try to work with Kevin, even after the two had made it a point as strikers to figure out how to. He ignores the other strikers entirely, falling immediately and seamlessly into perfect synch with Jean behind him, speaking hardly a word of English the whole practice. Because he knows that will make Kevin even more angry than Neil being actively hostile to his new teammates.

Kevin isn't sure what he was expecting. Chances are Jean hadn't even needed to bring it up for Neil to notice something was off.

As for Andrew, I think he could still pick up a game of truths. He'd need to offer a similar deal as he did for canon Neil, this time for Neil-and-Jean, the entity of the two of them together. I think he could ensure some cooperation by saying he won't force Jean and Neil apart from each other the way some others have muttered about doing. Even if Neil knows by now the codependence isn't healthy, neither of them are ready to give it up.

It probably really throws Andrew to hear that they don't consider themselves to be an item. They're together, sure, but for a raven that doesn't always, maybe even rarely, means "in a traditional relationship". Neil and Jean definitely never offer any clarification. That's no one else's business, even if they could explain it so that a non-raven could understand. Generally I feel like if this is an andreil universe, it's an even longer, stranger, more winding road to get there than in canon.

I'm almost CERTAIN there's more Im forgetting about rn but this has been my taster on raven Neil+Jean, I hope it was at least a little bit coherent, and greenautumnleaves - I hope this comes anywhere close to your galaxy brain ideas on these two lol. Maybe I'll be back with other thoughts later who knows

[luboy7rt]

Kick (COD Ghosts): Random Headcanons 

(Note: We don't get enough Kick content, so here's food. I ramble my bad. Just trying to get re-motivated for more headcanon stuff!)

- Kick would randomly just plops down near his comrades. Everyone can just be doing their own tasks and he's just coming by to invade everyone's personal space, but never for too long before he agites himself and just leaves.  

(Here's how I think the other Ghosts would react to this)

This could happen to Keegan who would look like a deer in headlights, like he's silently looking around for help. Help this man, he cannot. Keegan ends up just silently pushing Kick off to leave, leaving Kick groaning and being grumbley until he finds his next target or he would silently just sit there, stiff and unmoving, he is now a statue. Won't even breathe. (0.5/10 on Kick Rates)

This could happen to Ajax, a quick ‘what's up’ or ‘hey’ Is exchanged before Kick just lets his body go limp, his shoulders digging into Ajax's lap who ‘unfortunately’ claims he got used to it. Ajax's is pretty chill about it though, he couldn't care less. But if he's watching a show and Kick tries to eat his snacks? Nope, Kick’s getting kicked out. (8/10 on Kick Rates) 

This could happen to Hesh who is more inclined to just let it happen, I feel like Hesh is somehow the most uncaring about it. He's dealt with Logan all his life, and he has a dog who couldn't give a damn about personal space. Hesh just lifts his phone so he could keep doing What he was doing but Kick could do whatever he wanted as long as he respectable Hesh's personal space. (11/10 on Kick Rates)

This can happen to Logan who is alarmed the first time this happens, stiff as a board. Uncomfortable, unfortunately takes time for Logan to relax (-0.2/10 on Kick Rates)

Elias. Kick tried to lay over the man once but Elias left too quickly to get a good rating (Sad/10 on Kick Rates) Come back. Kick bets he's a damn good at cuddling/comfort too, he's holding out on him like that?

This could happen to Neptune, who's surprisingly chill with it as long as Kick didn't interrupt him on purpose or talk/breathe too loudly. It's comfortable and warm (100/10 on Kick Rates) 

((Pardon these next two, we don't get a lot on Torch and Grim so OCC))

Torch is unique. Sits weird, cuddles weird, Kick likes weird so (10/10 on Kick Rates)

Grim is funky, cold but ends up being the second best at cuddling after Neptune (Might need more experimentation/10 on Kick Rates) 

Riley? Fucking amazing cuddle buddy when hes up to it. Not so amazing when the dog farts, stinks like hell. (100/10 on Kick Rates. -1000 for the time Riley definitely let one rip on purpose just to get Kick to leave him alone) 

- He's very intelligent and also he very much likes to mess with people. Likes tapping into Keegan’s devices just for shits and giggles. (No proof of this, but Keegan just knows. Kick just knows how to cover his tracks) Randomly gives ‘hints’ when he's in someone's devices when he's not supposed to be. This habit stops after Keegan did some cursed shit to simply get him to stop. Yet no one ever got Kick in trouble for this habit before, they just assume it's Kick’s way of trying to check up on them. Lol, No. He does it for his own curiosity but he’ll let them believe what they want. 

- Kick likes to vibe when driving, making it his teammates problem to either ignore him or join in. He doesn't care as he's dancing while driving, ignore his playlist title, he's too busy singing under his breath to care about the done looks on his comrades faces.

- Neptune and Kick team ups are a vibe Kick lives for, he lives for slowly trying to convince Neptune to do something unhinged. He knows it takes a lot of planning, so Kick slowly tries to encourage Neptune to pull an insane stunt that will end up helping the team but also Kick gets the amusement he wants.

- He says cursed shit often, usually the others turn a blind eye to it. But sometimes some of the guys can't, hearing their little sighs of defeat make Kick's get a larger ego, it's pure bliss for him.

-  Kick finds it utterly hilarious when he sees Keegan's blank stare, just looking into his soul. He finds it to be the most funniest shit, especially when they're meant to be doing something serious. He lives for when Keegan hears some stupid shit and slowly turns to face Kick, slowly blinking (frog blink even better in Kick's eyes). Kick has to always bite his tongue just to not full blown cackle when he's not supposed to.

- Makes shitty PowerPoints instead of actually decent debrief reports, like yes. We did this :). No, we failed that :(. With a shitty gif misplaced on the right side of the slide. Elias lets it pass and ends up rewriting the damn report for Kick because he just can't deal with this anymore. It's shitty on purpose but if he knows Elias has a bad day? He writes the best damn report he has ever done and hands it in like a proud dog who finally caught Its own tail.

- I feel like he builds/fixes up PCs, Computers or Other technology just for fun. Especially old shitty tech? He would love it, definitely has a collection of just old technology he has fixed over the years.

- Feel like he doesn't believe in spirits or ghosts, but makes it a point to announce to his dead comrades he's going to do something stupid or he would click his tongue and flip off an object if it just reminded him of one of his comrades. 

(Ex: After Torch's death. One of Kick's candles sway too much and catches something on fire? Kick would blame Torch. It's all his fault, it could never be Kick's fault for placing that item too close to the flame.) 

(Hah just got the idea of  Kick ghost hunting for his teammates and then definitely messing with him, ‘Did you just fucking call me Honey Booboo Bear?’ Cue Kick staring at the camera behind him with such a straight face like it was the most horrid thing he has ever heard.) 

Ajax would be the ghost calling him Honey Booboo Bear just to fuck with him because he knows (knew) Kick. Unfortunately.

Kick, Keegan and Neptune ghost hunter Au/freetime? Feel like that would be funny.)

(I got more ideas for this, I can go on about it but I'll keep it short, Neptune nonchalant camera man who just points out things bluntly, funny but mostly unheard guy behind the camera but when he speaks up you know it's good, Keegan skeptic who's just here to say he doesn't believe in it and to scare Kick. Kick firm believer who wants to get real evidence or flirt with a ghost.), (Even funnier if they bring Hesh, Logan and Riley along, because Logan is side eyeing while Hesh would slightly be panicking because why is Riley staring at a damn wall for 15 minutes? Even better if Elias comes along to ensure his boys are safe and just drags his kids out when Kick tries to encourage them to do stupid shit. Elias doesn't fuck with that shit.

(I find myself utterly hilarious. Felt like I should say that. Sorry if its a bit short, thank you. Dw if you don't agree with some of these headcanons, they are just for fun!)

[beanghostprincess]

Weird self indulgent bullcrap but hear me out okay-

Seraphim Buggy.

The strawhats get to Egghead and there's so much going on, it's wild and crazy and things start calming down after a bit, but then one group manages to find a tube in the far back. Luffy is staring HARD at the little body, battered and bloodied, white hair floating like a curtain in the solution, but the round red nose is a huge give away. He recognizes that nose. He recognizes that face.

"Is that... Buggy?" Nami is confused, hesitant. Zoro frowns at the tube, at the injuries on the child's body, bruises and scrapes and filth.

Luffy is silent before he hauls back and punches the tube with a Haki coated fist. The others yelp, scold him, Chopper shrieks bc they don't know if that will hurt the kid, but-

It doesn't even crack.

They stare.

Franky and Chopper dive to the control panel to try releasing the child, while Luffy is still staring at the unconscious body. Usopp is equally quiet, both assessing and reaching out. They know Buggy in varying amounts, but absolutely nothing about this kid feels Right. There's a wickedly sharp undercurrent, even unconscious, that makes even Luffy wary.

They get him out, he's still unconscious, but he's safe. Chopper begins working on patching his wounds up, and midway through the kid's presence locks down to near nothing before white-gold eyes snap open. Luffy meets the gaze easily, inclines his head slightly, seeing the minute tension the ripples across the tiny clown's frame. S-Buggy blinks for a moment, then reaches out.

Luffy let's him touch the hat.

The kid is silent for a moment before he croaks a soft "bro...ther..."

They take him with them. Over the course of it all, they find out why the kid was locked away in stasis, learn just what they released from the tube, but the little seraphim is so taken with Luffy and is so happy to just cling and be clung to that they have issues believing that THIS is the demon the others were mentioning, the monster that had been locked away for everyone's safety. It doesn't help that this is BUGGY and any iteration of the clown being powerful just seems ridiculous.

Then something happens. And little S-Buggy causes a near apocalyptic level of damage.

None of the crew is killed in the rampage, none so much as injured by the little jester boy, but it begins painting things in a new light.

By the end of it all, as they're leaving, Luffy tells the crew to contact the Cross Guild. "A pirate ship isn't safe for kids," he says with finality. They nod. He keeps S-Bug distracted, they actually make efforts to AVOID fighting, miserable though it leaves some, and they soon meet up with the Guild.

"Uncle," Luffy calls out, shocking everyone in earshot, especially when Buggy greets him back.

Luffy knows a lot more about Buggy and Shanks' childhoods than most do, pieced together from times when he was small and begging Shanks to bring him with the crew, when he and Buggy had time spent together, especially on the way to Marineford. So when he saw this like Seraphim, felt the Haki, saw the damage, he knew this was out of his wheelhouse. He was going to be King of the Pirates, not because he idolized Gol D. Roger, but because he was going to be better than him.

By Davy Jones as his witness, he would be better.

Buggy is mildly annoyed, confused, exasperated, but then Luffy meets his eyes dead on, steady, and says "He hasn't learned control yet."

And suddenly, Buggy understands. He winces. Hisses through his teeth. "Fuck."

"Yeah."

"No Red, then?"

"No. But he saw my hat, called me brother."

"Fucking hell."

"A ship is no place for a kid," Luffy says, voice surprisingly mature to most who know him. "But an island..."

"Yeah," Buggy sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. "Shit. Yeah, an island is safer. Has he imprinted?"

"I dunno, but he's pretty docile if there's no perceived threat."

Buggy groans, but opens his arms to take the child, giving the kid warning of touch, an open offer. The little seraphim hesitates for a moment before diving towards the older pirate.

Crocodile, Mihawk, and the strawhats all watch on in varying stages of confusion while the two captains talk.

There are many questions to be asked, curiosities to be quenched, but for now? Karai Bari offers docking overnight, and a new resident is welcomed to the island.

Right now I can only think about,, How cute a seraphim Buggy would be,, And also, Buggy and Luffy's relationship here?? My beloveds 😭 Everyone is so confused and doesn't understand why they know so much about each other and get along so well because Luffy is the master of never talking about his past unless he's asked,, Really happy this little Buggy can be with Buggy, though, always saying Cross Guild as dads with the Seraphims is an amazing concept.

[batsplat]

do you have a favorite bit of motogp gossip that you either want to know is it’s true, or you just enjoy as a stand alone piece, no need for further investigation?

one of those where I initially stared at and like. lost all motogp knowledge in my brain. and then stuff did come back to me. this is all very much low hanging fruit and I'll add to it when I remember more interesting/quirky ones. BUT here are some things I want to know:

y'know how casey randomly suggests in his autobiography that valentino was sabotaged in the 2006 title decider? so, personally, I don't really buy this, because 'why' and also 'casey girl you are SO paranoid' - though, sure, if given the option I'd like to double check if valentino had a dud tyre (completely plausible) and also if somebody really deliberately gave him one (?? casey idk about this one). but what I'm REALLY curious about is... there's a change in his autobiography?? like I've seen this book excerpt float around online and the text is different from what's in my book!! mine's from the paperback version so I assume there may have been some edits for that, so that would make it the newer version... but like. this is a real editorial change. check this out:

version posted on the internet, from the hard cover edition???

version in my book, first paragraph is the same

But as soon as the lights went out Valentino was in trouble. I was one of six riders to pass him on the first lap and if you watch the footage you can see how much he is struggling to even keep up with us. His rear and front tyres were just not working together and on lap five the front inexplicably folded and he went down, right behind me. I couldn't help but wonder how he could be having such problems with his tyres. Could he really have been stitched up? It seemed so improbable, but I remember watching that race back in the motorhome that evening and thinking, Welcome to my world, mate.

this isn't 'gossip' because I haven't found anyone else who has spotted this, but like? that's a substantive change? if my one really is the newer one? ...?

let's set aside the fascinating insight you get into casey's knotty and at times bizarre valentino rossi complex with him adding the line "welcome to my world, mate" (oh my god. please just take him to dinner. I will crowd fund this I literally just need to be able to listen in. casey come on CALL him I NEED you to do the dinner thing, YOU suggested it not me). like we're not going to even touch that. but if my version really is the updated one, then he's kinda softened his stance, no?? "convinced he was stitched up" to "could he really have been stitched up"

what happened?? who wanted this change? casey? an editor? did dorna give casey a call? did some poor bloke from pr have to politely ask whether casey could please not state in his autobiography that the most popular rider ever had had a title stolen from him by the establishment?

(casey was talking about valentino's stolen tenth BEFORE it was popular. he did it even before valentino did, bless)

"there are a lot of commercial interests in the sport" also didn't make the jump to the 'new version', mind you. did Big America get to casey

come on you guys have to admit this is an odd change?? does nobody else thing this is weird??

okay fine moving on

Did Valentino Literally Curse Sete

(like. not literally as in did he curse curse sete, literally as in did he say it)

(though if he did literally literally curse curse sete, I suppose I'd also like to know that bit)

the commentators in 2003 brno say so and I'm inclined to believe them, but I need to double check whether sete and valentino really were partying on ibiza together right after that very painful valentino loss at the sachsenring. such a fascinating little detail, that's not something post-2004 valentino does I reckon

I mean, look, obviously a bunch of things from that time period I want to have fact checked. including valentino's friend hearing sete say in late 2003 that valentino wasn't going to be smiling so much after joining yamaha. classic bit of gossip, did it actually happen though

I've referenced this a few times before, but y'know how valentino said that marc's manager alzamora told him after sepang 2015 that marc had been angry at valentino for killing his title charge? I just want. to know. if this conversation actually happened. I don't think valentino would pluck a lie like that out of thin air, especially something so specific about somebody on marc's team, and he has known alzamora for decades but like. maybe almazora just said something valentino misinterpreted? I just find this such a bonkers thing from alzamora if it's true that I would like it confirmed for my own sanity, you know?

yeah look I would like to know if marc really did get casey kicked out of honda, obviously I've discussed this before and it's very he said she said but yeah it'd be fun to know the truth

this is literally peak gossip because I can't find a source for it but I swear a journalist did say it: the rumour is that marc blocked joan mir from joining honda in 2019. like, I'm only including this because I was explicitly asked for gossip as I just cannot find where it was said... but it is something that is. out there. and... again, just curious. like I buy it, but also it could be bullshit!

on a similar note, did he ever make clear to honda he didn't want either vinales or rinsy on his team circa 2016? was it just a vibe in the paddock or was this an actual demand from marc?

speaking of!! the whole thing about alzamora basically rigging the moto3 teammate situation between rinsy and alex marquez to ensure the latter won the title that year. what was that all about, how far did they go there

switching to valentino now. this doesn't quite fit the remit of the question because it IS something I've investigated. and my conclusion is basically a big *shrug*

did valentino block casey from joining yamaha in either 2005 or 2006, and did he attempt to block jorge?

there are completely contradictory sources on the timeline here that do make me feel like there's a chance yamaha was just fucking with casey at the very least in 2006 and valentino had fuck all to do with it, which a recent interview from casey did actually hint at too... he made it sound like maybe yamaha was just using him to try to drive down the price of another rider (which would then presumably be jorge)

I just want to know! and the thing is, it was a matter of open paddock discussion that valentino blocked casey (jorge explicitly references it in in 2007), but something doesn't quite add up between what jorge, casey, colin edwards, articles from the time and lin jarvis have said on the subject! my current pet theory is that valentino blocked casey in 2005 from joining the satellite yamaha team in 2006 (weirdly casey doesn't really imply valentino was responsible for this one in his autobiography, but whatever) but NOT in 2006 (casey does imply valentino was responsible here, you see my problem). and yamaha was fucking around with all four of valentino, casey, jorge and edwards in late 2006/2007. but. yeah. I have unanswered questions

the entire 'alex marquez blocked from yamaha' situation.... again. something is off there. you know the story from late last year about how he was blocked in 2019 from joining the petronas team in 2021? this completely threw me, because there was an entirely different story about this YEARS back in 2018!! I initially assumed the two stories were about the same event, but it can't have been! one's him being blocked in 2019 for 2021, one's him being blocked in 2018 for 2019

from the descriptions of both there's also no confusing them. the 2018 story has to be about the 2018 contract cycle because that's quite literally when it was published, and the 2023 story has to be about the 2019 contract cycle because it explicitly references the space fabio would create by moving to the factory team for 2021, which obviously wouldn't make sense before fabio's actual rookie season. like they have to be about different stories

and in that same 2018 story, marc said that back in 2016 lin jarvis told him no marquez would be joining yamaha:

again, this was in 2018!!

plus, he did say back in 2016 that he'd spoken to jarvis, which kinda backs up this is a conversation that did happen and marc isn't just misremembering the timeline/lying (the notion of marc joining yamaha in 2017 is fantastic, what an absolutely horrendous idea):

now what marc says in 2018 about his conversation with lin jarvis is very similar to petronas yamaha boss razali saying in 2023 that he'd been told by yamaha no marquez was allowed at yamaha. suggests that this is a thing that did happen!!

but again... razali was told that in 2019... after marc had already been told the same thing three years before that, and the exact same deal had already been blocked one year earlier... does nobody else think this is weird?? like, I'm not saying yamaha hq covered themselves in glory here, but is it not a little strange the satellite yamaha squad had basically almost signed a contract with the younger marquez again without checking in with yamaha, just ONE YEAR after this same contract had already been blocked???

again this isn't actually gossip because I'm apparently the only person going ?? about this but I'll say it: ??

kinda been annoying me since december last year, like I know it doesn't matter but I'm just curious about it! why's nobody else talking about the 2018 story!

idk my best guess here is that petronas yamaha was faffing about and playing weird games with the factory team, that the deal was never as likely to happen as they made it sound to the marquez camp. zero proof, that's me spreading rumours yeah... time to create some of my own unfounded gossip

(also of course I'm curious if valentino did have any actual involvement in this. like if lin jarvis was telling marc this in the year of our lord 2016, I'm assuming valentino didn't have to explicitly say to jarvis that 'inviting marc to the team for 2017' wasn't exactly high on his christmas wish list. it is interesting that marc frames it as jarvis making this about. like. all the marquez's way back in 2016, and again, would this really have been on valentino's radar at the time? that feels a bit...? alex marquez was thirteenth in that moto2 season? would certainly be very... thorough for valentino to already have had that particular talk with jarvis)

(mind u there's a fun moment in a 2019 presser where valentino is sitting between the two marquez brothers and the younger marquez is being asked about his contract situation, the implication being he'd had a motogp deal and no longer had a motogp deal. and he's answering and marc's doing his freak stare and valentino is Right There sitting between them... I <3 mess)

man did valentino actually ever fucking block anyone from joining his manufacturer #notmygoat. I still think he didn't know about jorge until the deal was basically done, had nothing to do with the younger marquez, at most blocked casey the one time but then yamaha wasn't actually seriously intending on signing casey in 2006 and was just using it as a play in their jorge negotiations, which.... idk. bit disappointing if true icl. I hope he blocked someone, I'll say it

(also. okay. I don't want to sound awful here because I do have a lot of sympathy for baby!casey but. ignoring the morality for a second, I do LOVE the idea that valentino blocked casey from getting a satellite yamaha seat fresh off his 250cc runner up season because it would conclusively prove valentino did ABSOLUTELY rate casey!! like he didn't even want casey to come close to being his teammate!! not even a sniff at his data!!) (genuinely this is the rumour I'm choosing to believe, I know there's a chance valentino didn't successfully block anyone and was just a complete flop but I want the 2005 one to be true. it really adds something to the rivalry idk... like ugh valentino saw how dangerous casey was proper early when much of the paddock wasn't yet convinced... cute)

moving on

there was a rumour in 2015 that valentino approached dani after aragon to complain about how sturdy his defence was, like moaning about denying him points and shit. now, there's exactly one article about this in marca that is the sole origin point for the rumour, and it says that valentino also interrupted a honda party after phillip island to complain to marc. this does not match up at all with anything either marc or valentino have said since then - and would mean you have to believe that marc wasn't actually blindsided by that presser... also feels a bit unlikely we would have heard NOTHING from any other source if vale was really gatecrashing a honda party

of course, neither dani nor valentino have spoken about this supposed post-aragon 2015 meeting either, not even when dani was kinda accusing valentino of hypocrisy during sepang 2015, but I suppose you could say maybe dani's just not the type of guy to bring it up again. however.... I do reckon occam's razor kinda applies here and if one of these stories is bullshit then they probably both are, plus it's not like marca is exactly a neutral source. still would love to be certain!! instinctively I don't really think that's valentino's style at all, but of course it'd be intriguing if the story were true because it'd be a sign of how 2015 kinda messed with him. but I still feel 2015 is more about him falling back on past tools he'd mostly discarded - rather than, like, acting wildly out of character, which again... well, this brings us back to how that kind of behaviour isn't really valentino's style. basically, I don't buy it, but that's kinda why I am so curious about it? because I feel like it would be really interesting and quirky if he had actually done that. does this make any sense

speaking of, again this doesn't really count because I did kinda investigate it last year.... but you know when valentino in that podcast referenced a conversation with marc around the time of sepang 2015, where marc stared blankly at him? I have a hunch about when that conversation happened, want to know if it's right. this also isn't really 'gossip' because this is a conversation I'm having with myself but

y'know when bez was injured on the ranch late-ish last year? a bunch of journalists pointed out how hush hush they were about what actually happened to bez - like they repeatedly drew attention to that because god knows THEY love some gossip lol. which probably means nothing, but I'm curious what the journalists' theory here is, like do they think it was an embarrassing injury?? OR. look. I suppose the conspiracy theory would be that pecco caused it (obviously accidentally!!) and everyone at the ranch knew it'd be a terrible look if they admitted that because of the whole title fight situation. call me casey stoner because those dots are not real and definitely have not been connected

okay, you know how there were rumours in the spanish tabloids bez said some real ugly stuff to marc at valencia last year, and bez didn't directly address it but freaked a little and did a sort of blanket denial that he'd said anything that bad? I don't actually think he did tbh, but again. would just like to check!

while we're already on bez, there was one report that the switch to aprilia was partly motivated by marc to factory ducati. again, not entirely sure I buy that this would factor into his thinking beyond the obvious 'this means the route to that factory ducati seat looks even more closed than it already did' angle'.... it's very much down my list of priorities but I'd quickly confirm/deny it if given the chance yeah

that's all for now lol

[noonaishere]

Music of the Heart [J.YH] - ninety-four | fifteen minutes late with no starbucks

He only made you wait fifteen minutes.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” He shouted as he ran over to where you were, arms folded over your chest as you leaned against part of the log fence that demarcated the entrance to the trail.

You stood, “I thought you said you were going to be on time. Fifteen minutes late isn’t on time.”

“I got confused by the weekend bus schedule and missed the first one. I’m sorry.” he bowed, getting onto the floor.

“Okay, oh my god. Get up.” You pulled on his jacket, trying to make him stand. “People are going to think you’ve really wronged me, get up.”

He wouldn’t get up, and you tried to walk away from him instead. He clung to your feet as you tried to get away from him.

“But I’m sorry, noona!”

A few people shot the both of you weird looks as they walked by. You stopped trying to shake him off and tried to make him stand up instead.

“Okay, fine, then you can buy food after. Just get up, people are looking.”

Maddox stood and you helped him dust off his legs. 

“You really are making me into a noona, good god.”

“I forget, are you an only child?”

“I’m the baby.”

“Ohh…” He nodded. “Sorry for being a handful instead of being an oppa.”

You chuckled. “That sounds like something you could use for an Instagram caption.”

He chuckled. “Well,” he whined a short whine as he looked up at the incline you would be hiking. “Lead the way.”

Forty-five or more minutes later you were at the top of a low hill and could see the landscape.

“We can stop here for a bit,” you said as you looked at the view.

Maddox walked up next to you, huffing and puffing. “I’m-- I’m really out of shape.”

“That’s what happens when you sit in a dark room all the time and don’t eat your meals.”

He nodded, or tried, and almost knocked himself over.

“Why don’t we go sit at the picnic table over there?”

He followed you and sat across from you at the table. You turned and looked out at the view again, admiring it.

“It’s really pretty. Even if it is mostly buildings.”

“It is, isn’t it? It’s nice to be on the outside looking in sometimes, instead of the inside looking out.”

“Mhm. You can’t even see the mountain from my apartment anymore since they put another building up. Now I just get laser sun instead from the reflection of the windows.”

You nodded. “I would never want to go back to my family, but I do kind of miss the town I grew up in. There was just more… plants and green and fresh food and stuff. Not that I got to see a whole lot of it since I was always cooped up inside either at school or at violin lessons.”

Maddox nodded.

The two of you shared in the gentle silence for a few minutes as the few people who were also out early passed by and nodded hello as they did so. The lack of urban noise meant you could hear the wind rustling in the trees for a change. It was healing.

“Stuck in the city… inside looking out… trapped in the gritty, gray walls close in…”

You turned to look at Maddox as he sang softly, looking at the view. He jumped, nearly surprising himself with his speed as he shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone, furiously typing the lyrics he was thinking up. You didn’t want to disturb him so you looked back at the view while you listened to the frantic tapping of his fingers on the keyboard. 

After a couple of seconds he paused and hummed a tune. He hummed it again, made a noise of displeasure, and hummed it slightly differently. You took your own phone out and turned back around, the recording app open and running already as you held it up for him to hum into.

“Oh--thanks.”

He hummed as he worked on the lyrics and the two of you sat like that for the next thirty minutes, other hikers giving you quizzical looks as they went by, electing not to bother you.

He put his phone down and smoothed his hands over his hair. “Okay, I think I like it.”

You stopped the recording and saved the file as ‘Hiking’ with the date. 

“Can you send me that?”

“No, I’m keeping it and your song will never be finished. Of course I’m sending it.”

“Sorry for making us sit here for so long.”

“That was the point, wasn’t it?” You sent the file and pointed at his phone. “To come out here so you could clear your head and actually think for a change?”

He checked his phone and saw the file and nodded. “Thank you. And yeah, I guess that’s exactly why we came out here.”

“Do you want to stay longer?”

“Mmm… nah. I think that was all I’m going to get out of it,” he laughed. “Maybe the walk down will help.”

“Down? Dongsaeng, we have another hill first.”

“What?”

“Mhm.”

“Noona~” He whined. 

“Stop or I’ll make us walk the hard trail.” You got up and resumed the hike.

“This is the easy trail?” Maddox asked impetuously as he trailed behind you.

  previous | main cast | masterlist | next

a/n: Ever just need a change of scenery to get your brain working again?

Send an ask or leave a comment if you want to be added to the tag list! 🎵 Any comments, reblogs, or asks are appreciated! I love talking with you guys and seeing what you’re saying about the chapters, it keeps me going 🥰

@luvvvx • @iamthehotdemon • @hrts4hanniehae • @rachs-words • @stayatinykatsy • @anythingrelatingtojinyoung​ • @jaytheatiny​ •

[neolxzr]

Literally a genuine question no ill intent

What do you like about Aira? As much as people are absolutely adamant Akira is projecting (I really don't think he is (I'm not saying Akira is innocent) I just think he's trying to address the prejudiced thoughts the average Japanese person will have on the Ainu) Aira's weird comments and behaviour to Hiiro have been there since day one. And I also think Aira being the one who says all this is because he's supposed to reflect the fans and the average Japanese fan probably isn't that educated on the Ainu + there can be a good few racist enstars fans...

I'm not trying to sound heated about this I'm just coming from a genuine place, what appeal is there in Aira?

Also, as much as the Aira fans are talking about blaming Akira, I feel like there should absolutely be a focus on Hiiro right now considering that comment was... yknow said to him. I just think we should actually be talking about the Amagis considering that comment was intended to discuss the Amagis and their culture and the discrimination they go through.

i had someone ask me a similar question once but not in the context of all thats happening currently so you can read that here if youre inclined

buuuut what made me like aira so much in the first place was honestly that his concept as a character is really funny. i made a post a long while back that went into the funny meta jokes that you could make using aira as a character before i really knew much about enstars at all. having a character in your idol series that loves idols and canonically reads fanfic about them is just a funny concept in general. and as i continued to read more he continued to be funny and annoying and endearing (his little mini interaction with midori comes to mind immediately. there is something wrong with him)

also i tend to gravitate towards characters that give me like. little sibling energy. i love having a favorite little guy to dote on

but afterwards what really drew me to him was the main story!! thermometry specifically comes to mind (ouuugh,,,,). his feature scout stories are also great and so is feather touch! i wont like. go into detail really cause my blog is covered in me talking about aira already

his dynamic with hiiro is one of my favorites too, especially in mainstory. their dynamic isnt JUST aira says shitty things to hiiro and thats it. their relationship develops really far to the point where aira admits that he needs hiiro as much as hiiro needs him. they're young and inexperienced and kind of codependent as they're trying to keep themselves from going under in a sort of cutthroat industry. i think thats really neat. their relationship is really sweet to me and aira is a great tsundere type of character. he regularly is shown to actually like hiiro a lot as mean as he can be to him sometimes i.e. here. and you know the whole holding hands thing (which they also fucked up in the climax story but Whatever)

theres also this. which i think about regularly. the hiiai shipping fuel is vast

and additionally i think aira has some really great relationships with other characters too, alkaloid especially. feather touch develops his relationship with tatsumi a lot and its one of my favorite aira moments. i couldnt find my screenshots for this one but basically aira gives tatsumi his unlocked phone (something VERY important to aira since hes a little screenager) and it shows tatsumi just how much aira trusts him and he realizes how important aira is as a friend to him. being someone with a history like him aira's friendship is sort of new to him and it helps them both grow

he loves his friends so so much and he’s had a positive impact on all of alkaloid. he is its heart after all

but in any case i'm not going to like, defend myself for liking aira. i am aware that the shitty stuff has been there from the start but i've said something similar in the past that was like. aira isn't real and he cannot take accountability for what he says. he's a character written by real people who doesn't have any control over how he acts. so i guess that's why when i think the writers write something i dont think he would do or say in my own personal aira opinion i can sort of brush it off as just bad writing.

and not in the sense that i dont recognize that enstars sucks, because it does. enstars can be terribly racist sometimes and not just when concerning aira, and thats important to talk about (i.e. the orient cards, the king of thieves cards, etc). but at the end of the day the most important thing to recognize is the people and company behind the game as well as the real people who play the game and are affected by it. and not like, the specific characters in the game. cause they didn't actually do anything or feel anything you know

[fubukinorris]

❧ "i'd love to see me from your point of view"

♢regular tags: fluff, established relationship, long distance relationship (shinichiro, akane), alcohol (ryusei), gn! reader, reader is nicknamed bituin (shinichiro), babe (ryusei, senju), and sunshine (chifuyu)

ft. chifuyu matsuno, ryusei sato, shinichiro sano, senju kawaragi, inui akane

a/n: this song made me cry. i really, really want someone loving me one day.. probably when i get over my fears and manage to love myself.

(It's like you got superpowers Turn my minutes into hours) -Shinichiro Sano

"And there was this announcement about the races..."

You met Shinichiro about a year ago. You found him dragging two motorcycle engines along the road and you felt inclined to help him. That help had the element of exchanging numbers, a few dates, and a weird confession that ended up with you and him in bed.

Nevertheless, even when Shinichiro had to go back to his homeland, he was always thinking about you. Sure, he had to work a few more hours at the bike shop to pay for international calls, but it was worth it every time.

"Oh! And I won a contest today! You won't believe how I did it!" Your excited voice makes Shinichiro chuckle. "Tell me all about it, bituin. I have time."

"You sure? Isn't it midnight there?" You ask him. "You should be sleeping, Shin. Don't tell me you're gonna stay up all night and work at the bike shop..."

"Well, my work involves the bike shop but I'm not going to stay up all night. Again." Shinichiro scratches the back of his neck as he said that, laughing a little. "Enough about me, bituin. Tell me about that contest."

"Ah, right! So my instructional materials..."

Shinichiro didn't mind that the late hours were fast approaching. He couldn't wait to see you again. After all, he'll be hearing your voice again in a few months. He needed to count his money for a flight to the Philippines.

(You know me better than I do Can't seem to keep nothing from you) -Sato Ryusei

Ryusei didn't mind if you drank a lot. Besides, you only drank whenever you had a problem. Which was... usually every at the end of the month.

It didn't help that it was finals month. You were already on your fourth glass of whiskey, but it was strange to Ryusei. He had been with you long enough to know that you were a loud type of drunk, yet here now, you were as quiet as a mouse.

Something was up.

"Babe." Ryusei lightly taps on your shoulder. "You've been quiet all night. Did something happen?"

You were still quiet, but you only nod. Ryusei didn't really need to ask, so he just holds his arms out. "Come on, I hate seeing you like this."

A sniffle was heard from you, and you wipe your eyes before you bury yourself into his arms. "What made you think something was wrong, Ryu?"

"You're an annoying baby when you're drunk, babe." Ryusei teases with a small chuckle. You look up at him, pouting. "Can't really hide anything from you can't I?" You ask before burying yourself back into your boyfriend's chest.

Ryusei gently strokes your hair. "Mhm. Nothing really, no."

(I'm getting used to receiving Still getting good at not leaving) -Kawaragi Senju

Senju always spoils you. A lot. Even a simple window-shopping date would end up with you carrying at least one bag of something that you liked.

Senju just... liked buying you stuff. You weren't financially struggling, just really, really silent with what you want and you always decline if anyone would offer you to buy something. Even when someone wanted to treat you for food, you would say no.

"Babe." Senju finally puts her hands on your shoulders. "You can't say no to this one."

"But, baby-" You try to start but your girlfriend shakes her head. "No. You can't decline this one. This is something you've been wanting try and eat for months!"

You had a perplexed look on your face. "Listen, baby. I really appreciate the things you do, but I don't deserve them." You hold her hands as you say that, looking down. "I really... really don't."

There was something laced in your tone of voice. Senju knew that tone all too well. She cups your face now, making you look at her. "Babe. You deserve everything. You... you really do." Senju smiles a little. "If anything, it's me who doesn't deserve you."

You widen your eyes at that, trying to stop the tears from falling. "Don't cry." Senju wipes your tears away with her thumbs. "Listen, you're valid and you deserve so much. Now come on, lets go and try that dessert you've been eyeing."

(You love my lips 'cause they say the Things we've always been afraid of) -Inui Akane

You and Akane met through a mutual friend. The friend hangouts would turn into friendly dates and those friendly dates would lead to romantic dates.

This was your first relationship with someone. And someone like Akane was... a one of a kind.

It was like the red strings of fate pulled you both together, and ever since then the both of you have been inseparable. All those pictures, dates, hugs, and kisses is what made your relationship with Akane much more meaningful.

"Look, it's snowing." Akane giggles when a snowflake lands on your nose. "I guess winter's coming early."

"Funny, winter reminded me of our first date." You say with a laugh. "I was... a nervous wreck, now that I remember it."

"Tell me about it. You spilled juice all over yourself." Akane had a teasing grin and you only blush at the memory. "I didn't spill! The cup just moved on its own!" You retaliate in defense, making Akane laugh. "Hey, Akane-chan! Stop laughing!"

Akane couldn't stop her fit of laughter and you cup her face with your mittens, making her stare at your red face. Akane's face mimicked yours, obviously surprised. "Uh--Wow, you're on a trip to memory lane, are you?"

You only smile. "Yeah... I remember cupping your face like this..."

"And I put my arms around your neck..." Akane does the action, now smiling.

You both stare at each other before closing the gap. The first kiss is always the most memorable, and while others say that finding that spark was impossible, you and Akane definitely kept the spark going.

(I wanna love me The way that you love me) -Matsuno Chifuyu

Chifuyu was always the aggressive golden retriever in the relationship, and even he seemed to notice too. He was clingy, affectionate, a gentleman; you name it.

But what really came down to it was how passionate he was. You didn't mind that he read shoujo manga. You were an avid reader yourself, and that meant the conversations would be way longer than anyone else that you knew.

"Sunshine!" It was the usual routine once more, with the blond hugging you from behind and you giggling at the affectionate action. It had been... what, only six months? Yeah, six months since the both of you started dating. "Hey, Fuyu." You lean up and kiss him on the cheek. "Ready to go?"

Chifuyu lets go of the hug, still smiling. "Why wouldn't I be ready for this? It's our six month anniversary!" He held your hand as the both of you walked in the crowded streets of Shinjuku. There was a Nana themed coffee shop and Chifuyu wanted to take you.

You were curious now, so you finally plucked up the courage. "Hey, Fuyu?"

"Hmm?"

"How come you're always happy around me?"

Chifuyu looked at you, stunned. "Why wouldn't I be happy around the love of my life?"

"Well..." You cleared your throat. "I dunno. I just have that nagging feeling."

Chifuyu had a blank expression on his face before leaning to kiss your nose. Your face turns bright red at the action, and the blond only smiles sweetly. "I love you too much. Seeing you everyday was a blessing already. And dating you? That was probably the best miracle I could ever ask."

[artzee-bee]

More Poly!Bethan Headcanons

Fandom: My babysitter's a vampire Genre: Fluff Warnings: none A/N: I had some ideas left over and I figured it'd be a shame for them to go to waste so I hope this makes at least one of you happy today!! ~~

Benny loves being the big spoon!!! Holding you and Ethan is as close to heaven as he thinks he can find on earth. 

Ethan is a much bigger fan of more subtle acts of affection.. He’s particularly fond of interlocking pinkies! He finds it very sweet and comforting and he takes basically every chance he gets to hook his pinkie finger around your’s or Benny’s. This is a particularly common occurrence during classes. He’ll totally deny it if you try to bring it up tho

You love challenging your boys at video games. They usually win (probably because they have a lot more hours or practice than you. Like, an unhealthy amount) but it’s always fun for all of you!! Gaming nights > movie nights for sure!

Ethan is more inclined to go easy on you and let you win most of the time. He finds it endearing how happy and excited you get to be beating him (you know what he’s doing, but don’t complain). Benny on the other hand is competitive! Good luck with him because not only will he give 110% of his efforts in every game but he will also rub his win in your face!

You are the mastermind behind all ghostly fights. You’re the strategist of the group for sure and Ethan and Benny love to watch you think and come up with crazy ideas of how to get yourselves out of whatever mess you have to deal with now. They are almost entranced seeing you type away at your keyboard in concentration (they definitely share knowing looks behind your back like ‘Yep, that’s our girl!’)

Grandma counts on you a lot to keep the boys in check, although she never actually blames you if something goes wrong. She knows how sneaky they can be but appreciates that you look out for them most of the time and because of that, you two have a really trusting relationship.

Benny loves taking pictures whenever you guys are together, even if there’s not much going on! Some are candids of you or Ethan, working, cooking, cuddling, the works! And those are really sweet, always showcasing really tender and domestic moments. He’ll never tell you when he takes them, he will just spend them in the groupchat after he goes home.

Other times, the pictures are absolutely chaotic. Blurry and shaky! Taken at weird angles or too close to your faces! His gallery is full! Some of them he prints out, others he saves on his computer for later times. He used to hang most of his pictures on his walls but Grandma eventually got him a photo album and he discovered that despite feeling old fashioned, he enjoyed that much better!

Ethan sometimes has a hard time falling asleep! His mind is running and he has a very bad habit of overthinking. Especially if he’s in the middle of solving something supernatural, his mind is totally wired and it’s hard for him to relax enough to go to bed. He created a habit of calling either you or Benny when that happens. Talking to you about simple stuff, helps his nerves ease and eventually, he actually manages to fall asleep. Although not before complaining about how he’d ‘much rather have you there with him physically’ but he’s grateful nevertheless

[mari-lair]

Could you do an analysis on what Hanako’s life was like when he was human? And his relationship with the “fake” Tsukasa

As in the time gap between Tsukasa jumping in the hole and until he killed Tsukasa because in the 4pm book stacks, when spider face was cleaning up his wounds I see handprints on his wrists which kind of imply Tsukasa (or someone else) did…things

Also do you feel that the manga implies that sort of thing between Amane and Tsukasa too?

I am not very interested in Hanako’s relationship with Tsukasa, so I can't do a 'proper' analysis. But I’ll share some thoughts.

I personally don’t believe there is a ‘fake’ Tsukasa, he has always been weird, he never told anyone that the ‘god’ under the house copied his speech and he didn't show any hesitation or remorse about sacrificing animals to get his wishes.

Which was all to grant Amane's wishes, a brother he decided he would die for since four. He has been obsessed with Amane since way before learning Amane would kill him.

The only thing the “God” inside Tsukasa seems to have truly done is stunt his growth (he still acts like a child) and give him knowledge a normal human shouldn’t know.

Still, the horror child framing of this change is in the mom's point of view: Amane seems happy.

And Amane’s joy remains for years.

When Nene travels to the past and meets Amane, who appears to be at the very least eight years old, it is heavily implied he didn’t come with his parents, just Tsukasa.

At this point in the story, I don’t think he was being abused, physically or emotionally: He is eager to trust and help Nene, who is a stranger, and he displays a lot of confidence, honesty, and joy. Not being scared even when Nene try to steal his wishing paper.

He doesn’t seem particularly troubled with his family either. He ever implies a member of his family is crazy, or shows intentions of wanting to use his slip to ‘heal’ them, as a kid as sweet as him would likely be inclined to do. He seems a bit lonely cause his bro was focusing on something else that he can't interrupt instead of keeping him company, but that's about it.

And in Shijima's world they are buddies, which would be... weird... if Tsukasa had hurt him.

But I’ll be honest, considering how old this plot point is, Amane’s injuries are extremely vague. It could be anyone.

Maybe something happened, and Tsukasa got violent, and clingy to the point of being hurtful, maybe his parents snapped and Amane couldn't blame family, maybe is a third party, maybe is a curse, I don’t know, I don't plan to re-read the entire manga to get a better feel on it, but since you asked for my opinion, I personally think this turn for the worst in his life is partially the red house fault, and partially Amane’s own actions.

Let’s rewind a bit.

Tsuchigamori, or spider face, said the only person to alter their own fate was Amane. Not Tsukasa, who was influenced by future Kou, or Nene, who is always seeing the past: Just Amane.

Changing the future is such a big deal it became Tsuchi’s yorishiro, the spider can’t get over it. So I would say it is important to consider Amane's ‘normal’ future.

What changed Amane’s wish? What made him give up?

It wasn’t Tsukasa’s disappearance or reappearance. It was his meeting with Nene.

These slips are a big deal.

We are told they are rumored to make your wish come true in a land of supernaturals where every rumor so far was true. And that it is so hard to get all the five colors, that Yako was never able to, and she is an old spirit.

And the wording Amane used is... Concerning.

As the astronomy teacher he was fated to be, Amane would have never met Nene again, and even in the case he was still teaching by the time she was a student, she would have not been an ‘onee-san’ anymore: He needed to die before 14 for her to stay an onee-san when they met again all those decades later.

I do think the red house and Tsukasa and so on plays a big part in Amane’s fucked up life, but it is strange he only got injured and “gave up going anywhere” after meeting Nene and putting his wish on the Tanabata tree.

We have no info on this part of his life though so it’s anyone’s guess.

[someidiotwithalaptop]

Alright: What the FUCK happened to Summer???

Because something sure did, and every new thing we hear about her gets more disturbing, and it haunts me.

So, I'll start with stuff that's fairly certain and like, small leaps of logic before I go full tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist. We have very little actual info about Summer, nearly all of it from different characters talking about her.

From Yang we get the basic facts from her family's perspective: Summer was a Huntress who went out on a mission and never came back. We also get the characterization of, "Super-Mom: Baker of cookies and slayer of giant monsters."

From Qrow, we learn that 1. She was a brat, which like, honestly STRQ was probably just "oops! all brats" 2. He thinks she would have pressed on if she knew the truth, which, uh, she almost definitely did. "We don't have to kill you to stop you," is not the sort of thing you say to Salem if you don't know she's immortal, that's all I'm saying. 3. Whatever her final mission was, she didn't tell him or Tai or Ozpin. I'm inclined to believe Ozpin when he says he genuinely doesn't know what happened to Summer, since his biggest secret is already out—plus he's been genuinely repentent about the mess his lying caused in Volume 6 and is taking steps to do better in the future. It would feel really weird thematically if he knew and was keeping yet another giant bomb of a secret. So Summer went on her final mission alone, or at the very least, she didn't tell any of Ozpin's inner circle where she was going.

We'll get to speculating about why not later, but I think this point is probably going to be important in Ruby's character arc—whatever Summer's ultimate fate, she got there because she tried to save the world alone, and we've seen Ruby do something similar. Like she's not running off after Salem by herself, but she's definitely trying to shoulder the burden of leading and inspiring everyone to keep going all on her own, without asking for help as that responsibility has been slowly yet systematically destroying her mental health. I mean ffs she's been literally carrying her team on her shoulders for two episodes now.

HOWEVER: Oz, Tai, and Qrow don't know anything about what happened to Summer, but it's possible that Raven might. When Ruby tries to reach out to her and convince her to work together, because they'll have a better chance than if they try to do it alone, Raven says, "You sound just like your mother," in truly the most bitter, disdainful-ass tone I have ever heard. And then she opens a portal for Cinder to throw a fireball at her. Whether this is about a more generalized friction that maybe contributed to Raven leaving, or a specific moment when Summer tried to get her on board with whatever she was doing on that final mission, is kind of uncertain. Or it could be both!

(And it might also be she married my ex bitterness but, admitting my biases here, I hate that fucking trope with a fiery passion and I think it's more interesting if her anger at Summer is actually about Summer.)

Regardless, if Summer did ask her for help, then based on how Raven reacted to Ruby I don't think she got it lmao

And then. Oh, and then. We get Salem!

"Your mother said those words to me. She was wrong too."

"Her again?"

So like. Salem definitely met her. Had a whole-ass conversation with her, even.

And that fucking smile??? Salem did some shit to Summer. It's just a question of what, exactly?

Right. Okay. So after they kill the Hound and realize WHOOPS that was a person and he looks an awful lot like Ruby! and everyone reunites, Ruby says this:

"When I saw its eyes, I knew. Salem used to kill people with Silver Eyes, like Maria. But she’s always wanted me alive. Why would that change unless, when she met Mom, she learned she could do something new?"

Timeline-wise, this seems accurate! But I'd like to also insert TR into the equation. It's a little hard to tell given the uhh, body horror of it all, but he definitely looks younger than Qrow (which is maybe not saying a lot given that Raven looks at least ten years younger than Qrow and she's his twin lmao) and, more to the point, like he's probably younger than Summer.

Like, yeah, hard to tell, but I don't think this man is past forty. And even if he is, it doesn't seem like Salem's had him for very long, seeing as she never sent him after Ruby or the relics in previous volumes. So he's probably an example of what Salem's been doing to SEWs after Summer.

Also, Salem calls him an experiment, and says that so far she's pleased with the results. Meaning Summer isn't exactly a Hound, though I wouldn't say that puts grimmification off the table. Just that it's not in the exact same way he is. And it's worth pointing out that the way TR has been grimmified, it's left him completely without agency and unable to disobey Salem. Even after Ruby blasts the Grimm off his head, he's still left repeating "Take The Girl" over and over without any sign of whoever he used to be coming back to the surface. It's possible that is what Salem is referring to when she calls him a successful experiment.

So the way Salem has dealt with people with silver eyes has gone:

Maria (kill her) > Summer (?!?!) > TR (an... experiment) > Ruby (bring her to me alive)

Adding TR into the mix, it seems unlikely that the "something new" Salem learned she could do from Summer Rose would actually have been, y'know, a Hound. Plus from a narrative perspective, I don't think we're going to have Ruby literally saying exactly what happened to Summer into the camera only for her to turn up, Hound-ified just as expected, a couple volumes later. So, some possibilities:

Ruby is actually exactly correct about what happened to Summer, but she's not going to show up later so there's no reason not to just tell us. Personally I doubt it's this, given the way the mystery has been unfolding over eight volumes and counting. It'd be kind of weird to just tell us instead of showing us, or indeed having the Hound literally be Summer. Also, if Summer is a Hound too then why is TR an experiment?

Summer was Grimmified but didn't survive the process, so she gave Salem the idea but she's not actually a Hound. This also seems a bit odd to me given that would mean she's basically just dead like we assumed, but with extra steps. Like it's upsetting but it doesn't represent the kind of dramatic upheaval to the sisters' worldviews that it feels like this is building towards. It doesn't explain how fucking smug Salem is about the whole thing.

Summer was Grimmified, but didn't actually lose any agency. This would explain why Salem is still experimenting, and why she's so pleased with TR—he's even more singleminded in carrying out her goals than Tyrian is. It also fits with the way the Grimmification worked on Salem. Even after she jumped into the goop, she was still very much herself—it's possible it influenced her, but she was definitely capable of showing love and affection to both Ozma and her daughters. She just, uhh,,, was also willing to try and murder them. But it's unclear to me how much of that was Evil Goo and how much was just that there's no way a human being spends any significant length of time as the Last Woman Alive without some unpleasant side effects. We're social creatures and we do not generally do well when completely deprived of company.

Summer wasn't Grimmified at all, the whole Hound thing is a red herring.

In either 3 or 4, regardless of how much body horror happened, Ruby is wrong about what happened to Summer. And in order to not undercut that moment of utter despair at what probably happened to Summer... I feel like what actually did happen has to be. like. worse.

AND IT'S A TAD DIFFICULT TO GET WORSE THAN THE HOUND.

So. Time to put our tinfoil hats on: what if we add an element of horrible betrayal?

Yes this is a Summer-joined-Salem conspiracy post.

But hear me out okay! Circling back a bit, why wouldn't Summer tell any of the inner circle where she was going? If she talked to anyone, it was Raven, who had already noped the fuck out by the time Summer went on her final mission. Now, if it was just Tai and Qrow I'd say she might've kept it from them for the same reason everyone always keeps that secret—she didn't want them to lose hope. But... Ozpin already knows. There'd be no reason not to tell him what she was doing, unless she knew he'd try to stop her.

Now: my goal here is to make all this make sense, without altering the first foundational piece of characterization we get for Summer. Namely, "Super-Mom: Baker of cookies and slayer of giant monsters." I'm not saying Summer learned the truth and went, welp, if you can't beat 'em join 'em. Because both Summer and Raven tend to act as foils to Ruby and Yang, and "gave up immediately" doesn't feel like an interesting foil to Ruby's perserverence. But, if you find out that there's an existential threat to the entire world, and she can't be killed...

Isn't it worth trying to negotiate?

Especially if, say, you were absolutely desperate to end this war in your lifetime. Because Summer knows that if it's really impossible, if Salem can't be stopped, then Ruby will get dragged in whether she likes it or not. All because of a trait that Summer passed down to her.

Salem's been killing people with silver eyes, probably for millenia. It's easily possible that Summer had her own visit from someone like Tock, or noticed the same thing Maria's father did, that there's a suspicious lack of people with silver eyes considering how useful they are against the Grimm. As long as Salem is a threat, Ruby is going to be in that same danger. Forever.

So she has to do something, right? If there's even the tiniest chance she can end this now, before Ruby will ever have to suffer for it, before she gets pulled into an impossible war and Yang comes charging in after her, because of course she's going to try to help her sister... isn't that a chance worth taking?

This is why I think Raven knows some shit, by the by—when she's telling Yang about Salem, she actually kind of indirectly drops the same bomb that went off in Volume 6, it's just that she didn't do it in the same explicit terms that Jinn did. "She can't be stopped, she can't be reasoned with, and she will not rest until Humanity crumbles at her feet."

"Can't be stopped" is Raven's translation of can't be killed, since "We don't have to kill you to stop you" seems to be a flavor of terrifying exclusive to Ruby and apparently Summer. But "can't be reasoned with" implies that somebody tried. And like, let's be honest. Do we really think Raven was the one who decided to give diplomacy a go?

Not to mention this line, which I'm like 90% sure is referring to Summer:

"Or... you can go back to Qrow and join Ozpin's impossible war against Salem, and meet the same fate as so many others."

It really seems like Raven knows something she's not telling us. Like, if that is a reference to Summer's fate, does that mean Raven knows what it is, or is she just speculating like everyone else? Does she have a portal to Summer, and is that giving her information the others don't have? All that, combined with the fact that she's also way more bitter about Summer than everyone else, seems signficant.

Anyways. Let's say Summer decides to have a chat with Salem.

She can't tell Ozpin. He'd try to stop her, because he'd see it as a suicide mission. Qrow or Tai both might tell him, or agree with him and get in her way, so she keeps it from them too. Maybe she goes off completely by herself—or maybe she goes to Raven, because she's the only one who might be able to help who Summer knows won't breathe a word of it to Ozpin. Either way, Raven doesn't help her. She's not getting anywhere near Salem.

And then... well. Salem got here by manipulating people, by swaying them to her cause. Summer asks her what she actually wants out of all this. Isn't there some way they could resolve this without this endless war, all this endless death?

Important to note, I don't think we've heard Salem's motivation in her own words. At least, not since the Lost Fable, when she wanted to rule with Ozpin as the new gods of Remnant. I think it's safe to say at least a few things have changed since then. Closest I can think of is what she says to Cinder in Volume 8, "In pursuit of a new world, no cost is too great." Which is ominous, but also quite vague, and says nothing about what she plans to do with the relics.

Instead, we get a whole lot of people guessing. Ozpin thinks she wants to die. Tyrian thinks she wants to destroy the world. Hazel and Mercury think she wants to remake it, with no Huntsman Academies, with them as the new top dogs.

There's a pattern here—Salem never actually says what she wants, and other people have a habit of projecting their own motives onto her actions. Ozpin wants to die, Hazel wants to destroy the Huntsmen Academies, Mercury wants to be the one with the power so he's not getting hurt, and Tyrian's just in it for the chaos.

And it's not like Salem hasn't done stuff like that on purpose. By the time she started growing her army against the gods and telling people they would all steal immortality like she did, she'd already tried to kill herself. She didn't want immortality. She just let people think she did, because it was more convenient for her.

So if this agent of Ozpin's comes to her, absolutely desperate for a way to end the fight before it can come for her daughters, well... why not just tell her about the gods? About how Ozpin plans to one day reunite the relics, and submit Remnant to their judgment? About what might happen if he does?

(TBH I don't think Oz will ever do that, not because I think he's decided not to or anything like that, but because I doubt he'll ever see a humanity united enough for it to be worth trying. We're an argumentative bunch.)

But like. To Summer, all of a sudden there's this other, even bigger existential threat. And Salem isn't like Ozpin. She does have a plan! She wants to destroy the relics, so that the gods can never be resummoned, because of course she hates them and so she would never want them to come back!

(Again, not saying this is actually true, my best guess is that she's trying to bring them back so she can fight them again slkdfjlskdj)

And then, if they succeed, not only will the gods not be a threat anymore, Salem won't be a threat either. She'll have gotten what she wants!

"This can all... be... over..."

Summer has to finish this. There has to be a way for her to do this by herself, to save everyone, to put a stop to it all in time to protect her children! (Raven can't be right, it can't just be hopeless!)

From there, all Salem really needs to do is be a bit careful how much she tells her other followers about what she plans to do—which it seems like she has—and eventually find a way to either hide what relics she has or convince Summer that she's trying really hard to destroy them, definitely, pinky promise!

(And, as an aside: if true, it's very possible that the reason Salem's so insistent on keeping Ruby alive isn't that she wants to turn her into another Hound, but rather that was one of Summer's conditions.)

All this, of course, may or may not come with a sprinkle of Grimmification. Because why not add some body horror to the good old-fashioned betrayal horror! Though, if I'm right and not going completely off the wall here, I suspect it's probably more in the vein of Cinder than TR. Namely, like, consensual.

Regardless, it definitely feels like Summer has been idealized to a point that's just sort of... begging for trouble. She's the perfect Huntress. The best of us. The one who would have pressed on. And like, historically putting people on pedestals like that has not gone well in this show (see: Pyrrha). Not to mention the way trying to be the perfect Huntress that Summer was has been affecting Ruby over the years.

Also, definitely totally unrelated to all of the above: I think paragons that turn to evil despite or indeed because of all their wonderful paragon qualities FUCK SEVERELY and I would like to see it.

[boobblog]

We're going there

I'm not sure if I've done a good job at explaining just how emotional it is to have cancer. I'm purposefully not capitalizing the word, because that gives it too much power in my silly little head, but the grammar is killing me too. But the emotions, dude.

I don't feel sick, not cancer sick anyway. I feel abused, defeated, mutilated, and forced. But not sick. Usually we have something tangible to grab on to, to know when the treatment is working, and we can gauge if we are getting better. Zofran works for nausea, Gabapentin works for nerve pain. But nothing, and seriously, there is nothing that can help you escape cancer unless you have surgery, do the chemo or radiation or whatever fucked up combination your cancer determines you need.

My treatment plan has been set in stone 100 times. That stone must be made from fluid because it is ever changing, like my cancer. But, where does that leave me? I'm a whole person with a life and dreams. I've had body dysmorphia for the majority of my adult life. I am in remission from Bulimia. That's what William calls it, because I always struggle with food, I'm just not throwing it all up right now, but the thoughts are always there.

I guess you can say I've lived my life trying to be the person others wanted me to be. I was in ballet for years, and have distinct memories of playing a munchkin in The Wizard of Oz at 8 years old. My teacher pinched my thighs in front of everyone and said "at least the munchkin's were pudgy." Implying I was the perfect munchkin.

Trauma is weird. I've held on to that memory for my entire life. A pudgy munchkin, that's me. Nah, not me. So I started running. And running, if you didn't read that in a Forest Gump voice we can't be friends. I ran my ass off. Literally. I was also abusing Adderall and in nursing school. Not the best combination when you're trying to prove to people that you are good enough.

Every stage of my life has been met with a man giving me his unwelcome opinion about how my body should be in order for him to be happier. Stronger thighs, biceps, defined deltoids, heavy squats, inclined bench presses, all of it, and I was solid. The best shape of my life, at that time according to the man I was trying to keep. Ever evolving and I was the one doing the work.

None of that shit mattered, they still cheated and left. Left me, the new me I didn't know what to do with, and the old me inside that was furious with MYSELF for not being better.

Hello depression, my old friend. Stupid cycles of dopamine and sadness, seratonin and anxiety, life and death. But when you become a mom, NOTHING is just about you anymore.

When I was diagnosed the thing I was most upset about was the loss of autonomy. I did not and still do not want to do a damn thing. I have lost it all and I'm tired, I couldn't stand the thought of forcing my body through more trauma. To me it wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth it.

I mentioned being raped, more than once. This body, my body, the vessel I was given to do this life in has never been fully mine. Maybe that's because I never took ownership over it and wanted so badly to be taken care of. I let men specifically treat me in ways that would make me cut a bitch today. But not then. Back then I remember feeling as if I had left my physical body and was floating somewhere within his breath hovering and watching what was happening without saying a word. Not knowing the words to say because it wouldn't stop it anyway. I'm crying now just typing it because I'm still so mad at myself. I'm mad at them, I'm mad I didn't say a single word. And I'm mad at the system for telling me I shouldn't have been there, I shouldn't surround myself with those people. If I wasn't running the roads, I wouldn't have been raped.

Fuck that, and fuck you if you agree.

Those people? What does that mean? The people that chose to take advantage of me and hurt me in ways that I still haven't recovered from. People that take you from parking garages and lie to their sisters that it never happened. But it did happen, and you know it did too. I trusted him, I wasn't in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was just available.

Does that mean I deserved it? According to some people yes. Would it change your mind to know I was 13? I was wearing a swim suit and bermuda shorts (it was 1997) with a cover up. Does that make it excusable?

I'm rambling. I haven't told anyone except those closest to me that. I don't even think my parents know the details. Sorry mom. The words always vanish when I try to tell you. Because it was not your fault. None of this shit is. I have the best parents in the world, for me.

Now cancer. Fuck. So my tumor was, (I say was because that ho was removed on the 13th) ER +, PR +, her2 -. All that means for these purposes is that it was growing and feeding off my hormones. What makes this even more exciting (facetiousness implied) is that I have been on hormones since I was 12 years old.

Heavy periods in young girls means you get put on birth control really early. Then we have to stay on birth control until menopause because boys are dumb and irresponsible and liable to get us pregnant if we aren't the ones doing all the preventative work. As an adult I chose to have an IUD. I chose to have hormones directly implanted into my uterus. Yes it hurt. Because men are little bitches incapable to doing anything for the greater good. If you are offended then I'm talking about you.

Due to the aggressive nature of my cancer cunt I had my IUD removed two days after diagnosis. I wasted no time. Do you know what happens when you remove something that has been regulating your hormones for over 30 years?

Thanos snap!

I'm thrown into the most horrific cycle I've ever experienced. I'm bleeding through my pants within minutes, I'm cramping, I'm crying, I'm scared. "oh Britt, I'm so sorry, but all this is normal, just go about your day and it'll get easier." Exactly how am I suppose to be normal? What is normal now? Nothing will ever be the same from this day forward.

Remember when I told you my breast surgeon said it was small and simple. She wasn't lying, she was speaking from the information she had at the time. But now my choices were lumpectomy vs. mastectomy and chemo. I got to "choose" which surgical procedure. This felt extra important to me. I wanted to feel in control of something. I'm also no punk bitch so if I have to live, and I can't just let nature do the rest and die, then fuck it, go big or go home.

Because my body has been taken from me, more than once, the feelings are very similar right now. These goddamn cells invaded me. Probably because I didn't protect it. But they're here and dictating everything. I'm having a hysterectomy on 12/20. This is because the chemo will kill my ovaries... theres a mass there too...they say it's just a cyst, that's what they said about the stupid goblin in my boob too. Luke had a vasectomy, so no issues with bearing children.

But I'll be damned if even the surgical procedure, the one thing I was involved with also changed. I woke up from surgery with purse string sutures, a technique I had never heard of, with expanders, which I did not want. Again, I explicity trust my surgeons, she did what she needed to do and I'm sure it will "look" ok when all this is said an done. However, no one and nothing can prepare you for the moment you get home and take off the bandages for the first time.

Standing in my bathroom, beat the hell up. I had some post surgery complications and didn't want to do it alone. With Luke beside me I removed the compression bra and layers of dressings and had no words. I felt like a monster. No nipples, drains full of blood pertruding from the sides of my body, swelling, bruising, and hard bags under the surface of my skin where my boobs were.

I had magnificent boobs, according to Luke. Now, I feel like a plate is on my chest. The expanders are not filled right now. I am essentially flat. Boyish even.

Talk about a mind trip. I was trying to verbalize my feelings to William about this, and remember when I said he puts me in my place so easily, he said. "Gender affirming care is so necessary and you are receiving it without any implications, conflicts of interest or even interference from the government." Whoa. Boobs are considered gender affirming care? Without them and without my uterus I can no longer function as a woman. So were my boobs and having a uterus not what made me female? Is it the other sex organ I have? That seems ridiculous, because it's there to birth children as well.

I'm done having kids, and have no use for all these things I was born with. So what am I? A thing? I didn't see me in my body, I still struggle with being me, in this body. That's because it's not my body that makes me, me. How selfish of me to not have known this sooner.

This brings me to a hot topic that I cannot ignore, because I am a woman, that felt like a man in that moment. Full stop.

Trans people live their entire lives feeling like the thing. They are one way on the outside, but someone different on the inside. If my friend went to their doctor and asked to have their uterus removed or for a mastectomy they would be thrown in jail. And some people are worried about sports and where they pee. That seems so reductive to be used in the same sentence discussing their existence.

But that's not what drives those discussions. They are worried that if we are allowed to be ourselves authentically, then we will disturb their peace. My body my choice right, but with stipulations and some white dude gets to determine what they are. My life matters more than my friends lives, and I've been cozying up to that aspect over the last few months. When I say burn it down, I fucking mean it.

I got myself worked up. Political issues and personal rights have a way of overlapping, even if we try to keep them separated. Talk to you hurting friends, find out how you can be a better friend.

I'm sorry, I got sidelined, if you know me you know my political views, and you know I believe that you are more than yours, I am not trying to ostrasize anyone or start a debate. I uncovered a trigger for me. One I wan't ready to feel so close to. It's like I was shown inside the mind of the people I love. And it hurt. It's hurts knowing there's nothing I can do, for them, or for me.

We just keep waking up and hoping to not be angry today. Hoping to not hurt much today. Hoping the treatments work, the hormones go away, the nerve endings die so the electrical fires on my chest stop. There's that word again, hope. I want to replace it, it doesn't serve me and makes me have more questions. I will just keep trying. Whatever that looks like today.