#It's hard to put into words but. Again. LITERALLY a majority of my science teachers in school were from Seattle

[halflifebutawesome]

Um ☝️ probably a frequent visitor of the Pacific Science Center as a kid. Uhhh. It could be pouring outside absolute torrential downpour and he's wearing like A Hoodie and cargo shorts and he's like. Alright 👍 and just walks around in it. wears socks and sandals 😔

the simple fact of Gordon Freeman being from Seattle means I know literally everything about him. I know what you are you big fucking dork

[pinkhairedlily]

Every Glance A Step Closer

Prompt: Glances | AO3 link here. Connect with me on Twitter. Happy SS Month everyone! 🌸🍅🥗 @ssskmonth

“This one barely goes out of her laboratory. I swear to god she smells like formaline.”

“He smells like the dust and cobwebs in the library. I cannot even pronounce what he’s doing – archi…something. I just know he handles lots of old papers and books. B-o-r-i-n-g.”

“So anyway, Haruno Sakura meet Uchiha Sasuke.”

This was her one free day in her experiment period week, but she needed to steam off for a night and so she allowed her friend to tug her along for a chill night drink. What Sakura didn’t expect was to socialize with a small group of people in their year and to suffer the cold indifference of the guy in front of her.

To her another surprise, he held out a hand to her. “Hello there.” She took it, slightly conscious whether she used her formaline-cancelling hand lotion. A brief and firm shake and he quicky turned away.

“Sasuke finally speaks.”

“That hello sounded a little spicier.”

“Oh my, that hand holding definitely had some electricity.”

The cajoling and teasing finally stopped when the first round of beers came in. Local university gossip was the go-to conversation opener, from the open secret student-teacher relationships to recent couple break-ups. It eventually led to Sasuke and his list of confessions.

“I heard you turned down Mio from fashion design department.”

“No way. I heard she was approached by Celine for a gig.”

“Really Sasuke? That makes her the fifth girl you dumped for this week alone.”

“You never actually had a girlfriend, did you?”

Sakura stared at him doe-eyed, genuinely curious of his answer. He returned her gaze and raised one brow. “I have high standards.”

Oh wow, what a douche, Sakura thought. Hoots erupted in their table but only for a few seconds. While the drinking and the exchanges went on, Sakura found herself wanting to go home early. She was bored and her neck was tired from not looking at him. Under the guise of stretching her already strained neck, she stole a glance, hoping to have a brief moment to take in all of his features and remember his face.

But he was already looking at her. His eyes went to the door of the restaurant then back to her. Bored? He mouthed.

Sakura looked at the door, knowing perfectly what he meant. She chugged her supposedly last bottle of beer and made a small gap with her thumb and index finger. He caught her signal and started to stand up. Their group was tipsy enough not to notice their sudden movements as they shuffled out of the door.

She halted after a few steps, Sasuke’s figure already paces in front of her, wondering whether she should say goodbye or just walk towards the opposite direction back to her apartment. She didn’t think too much of it and quickly chose the latter.

She had to get ice cream first though, a sugar rush to help jolt her senses awake. She was choosing between chocolate and strawberry when a large figure stood beside her.

“A vanilla one, please,” Sasuke said, looking smug with his hands both in his pockets. “Your treat.”

Sakura felt weirded out by the fact that he actively kept on engaging her. His reputation preceded him, but she decided to humor him for tonight. “So library science and you’re an archivist.”

“Intern archivist actually. So you actually know me.” There was arrogance in his voice that made Sakura almost choke on her ice cream.

“Process of elimination. There is no male major in our year in the History department.” She glanced at him and saw that smug look slowly transition into a slight flush of embarrassment. Cute.

“And what if it was a hobby?” Sasuke fiddled with his still unopened vanilla ice cream.

“There was a job posting in the bulletin specifically calling for Library Science students.” Their feet led them to the park still bustling with university night life and settled on a bench under the canopy of a fully bloomed dogwood tree. “See, I’m not your admirer.”

“Well, that’s a downer,” he smirked.

They talked like that for a while, fleetingly exploring related topics to their degree programs, the usual prominent teachers, the busy schedules, until Sakura finished her chocolate and strawberry popsicles. It was on her way home, finally this time, that she realized he never ate his ice cream.

--------------------------

She next saw him on their building’s rooftop with a group of friends, a piece of unsmoked cigarette in between his fingers. He quickly met her eyes, did a brief nod, and looked away. She inadvertently expected more than that but she wasn’t here for a smoke break, and it wasn’t her intention to take it further. She was here for a quick getaway from her microscope and to appreciate the city view dotted with the flowers of spring.

He kept glancing her way, however. He would be in the middle of a conversation and his eyes would stray to her, and she would catch it in her periphery, trying not to notice it. She got tired after a few repetitions of this, and the next time he glanced, she caught his gaze.

Stop it, she mouthed.

I’m bored, he mouthed back. Walk with me. His fingers mimicked the gesture, his fingers walking in the air.

She put her hands together and slightly bowed in apology. Next time, she winked at him before running back to her laboratory, a small smile painted on her lips.

--------------------------

It became like this for the next few weeks; they conversed through glances and awkward gestures whenever they were in public with their friends. When it was time to come home, they would walk in separate ways and meet again in the park under the same dogwood tree and they would converse for hours. It was mostly Sakura word-vomiting about her experiments while Sasuke would look at her with abandoned fascination.

“Stop doing that,” Sakura called him out one time.

“Stop doing what?” Sasuke asked, his ember eyes never leaving her face.

“You stare too much I feel like I’m melting.”

Sasuke made a small grunt and wore his hoodie over his head to mess with her more. He waved his hands on both sides of his face, and she immediately understood the reference of a horse having its blinders on. “Good because usually I’m the one being stared at.”

Sakura reached out to his hoodie and tightened the strings around his neck. “You’re hopeless.”

He leaned forward, almost touching her lips, his face still between her palms. “Hmm, maybe I am.”

Sakura moved away just as quickly as he moved into her personal space, a hot flush creeping to her cheeks. She hated this particular situation since blushing always made her look like a cherry tomato.

“Cute.” Sasuke apparently said his thoughts aloud because he was taken aback the moment she glanced back at him. “Cool, I said cool.”

She laughed this off just as he completely covered his face inside his hoodie.

--------------------------

She visited the basement section of the library for reference materials. Her writeup was due tomorrow and she was missing a section on historical evolution of vaccines and dosages for the viral DNA she uncovered. The small library slip in her hand, she made her way to the dimly lit rows on Biology. The shelves were twice taller than her, but there were spaces in between stacked books.

Would make it very easy to spot a ghost, Sakura chided to herself. A shadow moved along the row adjacent to the Biology section, but she dismissed this as the library staff. Her fingers traced the spines of ragged books and examined the list of recommended titles in her hand. When she raised her head, ember eyes stared back at her between the spaces of the opposite row.

Hi, Sasuke mouthed. He glanced around and seeing no one, he whispered, “Can I come over to your side?”

She found it hard to stop her grin from rising. “More eyes, the better.”

It took only a few minutes for Sasuke to find all the titles in her list, but they littered around, walking in between shelves, taking one random book and flipping its pages, stopping when they find something interesting. When heavy footfalls were heard on the stairs, Sakura inclined her head, gesturing she needed to go.

Sasuke seemed to misunderstand as he pulled her through the sleeve of her cardigan to the area further behind the room, and as the shadows grew darker, and the noise became more muted, she heard the racing beat of her heart.

Finally reaching the wall, Sasuke slumped to the floor and patted the space beside him. Sakura followed suit, consciously leaving a space between them as she was slowly becoming hyper-aware of their proximity.

“How are you faring so far? Done with the requirements?” Sasuke asked, his voice low but audible enough for her.

Sakura nodded, and after beat, rolled her eyes at him. “Shouldn’t you be out there assisting others?”

“I believe you need more immediate help.” Sasuke pulled his knees in to rest his chin on and trained his eyes on her. “Sakura.”

“Sasuke.”

The longest minute of silence hung between them, tension strung by the stare, until Sakura broke it off with her eyes shifting to the floor. “What are you doing?”

“Flirting,” he said like it’s a matter-of-fact. “This is what they usually do to me.”

“And what should I do?” She let the words roll out of her mouth, unsure why she asked, uncertain also of what he felt. She met his gaze again.

And in that moment, he just sincerely looked at her. “Flirt back.”

--------------------------

Sakura was done for the school year. She will be officially graduating in a month, and to celebrate, she went out with their group for a sem-ender discotheque clubbing. She was gonna shoot her shot for a one-night stand with literally anyone who had chemistry with her – haha she was just kidding. As this seemed to be the final cap-off to her university life, she went all out with her clothes Sakura-style – basically a boxy cropped tea, high waisted jeans, and old heels her best friend gave to her in pity.

This was actually her first club experience, but she was glad to be with veteran friends. The first few minutes inside a closed space with bass boosted, unfamiliar crowds, and lots of skinship made her very uncomfortable. Her only reprieve was the free-flowing drinks – ironically she can handle alcohol well. The disco lights would have made it difficult to spot faces, but she found him in the dark, on the corner directly across her group, his eyes already glued on her.

She wondered if he ever forgave her for scrambling out of his presence in the reference section last time, explicitly avoiding his request to flirt back. It seemed like she worried for nothing since Sasuke raised his glass to her and mouthed congratulations. She raised her glass back, resolving to mind her own business tonight. But he kept looking, a smirk etched on his beautiful face, urging her to meet him halfway.

She didn’t need to look for an excuse as her friends suddenly pulled her into the harmless mosh pit of friendly grinding. Sakura allowed herself to move to the beat, enjoying the bubble offered by the club to lose herself for a few seconds. But she kept glancing towards his direction, his eyes looking for her in the mass of bodies. At first, the glances were mischievous, like playing hide-and-seek, then they held gravity, heavy lidded and palpable.

Sasuke was impatient, and soon enough, at her next spin on her heels, he was right behind her, his hands hovering over her arms, seeking consent to touch. Sakura turned to face him, one part shy, other parts unnerved, and she slowly encircled her arms around his neck, her eyes a definite yes. His hands went to her waist, and he brought her closer to his embrace.

“You don’t have your hoodie though,” Sakura said, a little louder over the crooning of Carly Rae Jepsen to Gimmie Love. “Someone will definitely see you.”

Sasuke closed whatever distance was between them and brought his lips to her ears. “That’s a relief then. I want to be seen with you.”

“Simp,” Sakura teased. “You’re probably expecting a confession out of me, aren’t you?” This was a long time coming and she wanted to get it over with tonight especially when she had alcohol buzzing on her side.

“I am actually,” Sasuke said. “I was hoping to beat you to it in the library last time, but you ran away. Coward.”

“What?”

“What? Didn’t you hear me?”

“You like me.” Sakura said in realization. She edged her face away from his hold to take a good look at his embarrassed face. “Oh, you really do.”

“You could be dense sometimes, Sakura.” Sasuke poked her forehead playfully, and he was rewarded with a bubbly laughter from her.

Their friends finally noticed them and the intense skinship happening. The yells and woots started to drown out the speakers.

“That took you two long enough, huh?”

“They really waited for the end of the school year to do their big reveal.”

“As if the whole school doesn’t know already.”

“What?” Sasuke and Sakura asked in unison.

“It was the constant eyesmex.”

“Really, they do it every time with no shame. It gives me secondhand embarrassment.”

“Right? Sometimes I think I need to yell get a room.”

“Maybe they’ll get a room tonight.”

“Oh my god, shut up."

🌸 It's my first time participating actively for SS Month so please go easy on me haha. Work is loosely inspired by Nevertheless webtoon (which now has a Netflix adaptation). Hope you enjoyed reading!

[snowdice]

Gaps in His Files (Part 8) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Erm. Logan says a few not so nice things about people who struggle academically which are very wrong. I think from context it is clear that the author doesn’t agree with it. As a teacher I do not endorse his statement and in the missing 10 years he’s learned the lesson for himself... he’s just a very dumb smart high school kid. That being said, I thought I might warn you all especially with the fact that people might be in the middle of finals and a little emotionally vulnerable to that one.

Patton spent most of the morning getting Logan familiar with his red files while also asking him subtle questions about his real opinions on things. The mention of the crying thing did sting a bit even though Patton already knew it made Logan uncomfortable. Patton knew that from the beginning, but he’d still let Logan force himself to try to help when Patton was upset.

God, Patton was a bad person.

After he’d helped Logan get a good feel of the newer files, they started brainstorming about how best to work on recovering his memories over lunch.

Patton had thought they were on the same page, that being they were going to read through the pages in his files hoping he’d remember something in them. However, now he was doing that finger tapping thing on the table while he chewed slowly on his sandwich.

“What?” Patton finally asked.

Logan had clearly been waiting to share because there was no pause before his response. “Have you heard of Blight?” Logan asked, casually, as though that were not a name that made most of the population shudder when they heard it.

“This is nothing like that,” Patton said firmly before he continued with that line of thought.

“Why couldn’t it be?” he asked with a curious head tilt.

“Because… because it’s not,” Patton said.

“Do you have any evidence that it isn’t? Just because it was a device instead of a superpower does not mean it is not the same methodology.”

“It’s just not,” Patton said, “It can’t be.”

“Why?” Logan asked again.

“Because none of them recovered,” Patton tried not to snap.

Logan hummed. “Ah. That seems like an emotionally charged conclusion.”

“Can we please just not talk about it?” Patton implored, turning back to his lunch even though he wasn’t hungry anymore. There were a few moments of silence.

“Did you know,” Logan started, and Patton sighed, “that Blight was on record as having telekinesis before she revealed herself as a Mind Warper? People say she must have implanted false memories in her victims, but if she really was then it would be evidence of-”

“The Monofacultas Theory,” Patton finished for him.

Logan gave him a startled look. “You know it?”

“I’ve known you for over three years Logan and while I agree that the theory is interesting and feasible, there are no known cases of someone having a set of powers that span more than one of the Tri-divisions.”

“If Blight had telekinesis there is. She would have had a physical power as well as a mental one. Witnesses said…”

“She tore the minds of an entire city apart at the seams and restructured them to her desire. Excuse me if I don’t trust the validity of those mind’s statements especially when they have been disproved by video evidence.”

“Just because she didn’t use telekinesis for that one situation caught on video doesn’t mean she couldn’t.”

“Fine,” Patton said. “Say you’re right. Why does it matter?”

“Well I have telekinesis.”

“So, you want to… move your memories back into place?”

“Basically, yes.”

“With your telekinesis?”

“Well, brains are ultimately physical objects.”

“And you are going to not simply give yourself a stroke because…?” Logan shrugged. “Absolutely not Logan.”

“It would be interesting,” Logan said, eyes alight. “I could prove that powers are not truly divided into physical, metal, or energy powers but are originally one singular power that develops due to circumstance during early childhood.”

“If your brain doesn’t literally explode because you don’t know what you’re doing.”

“All science has risk.”

“No, Logan.”

He gave him the look that Patton was not allowed to call a pout.

“Can we at least try some less extreme methods of memory recovery before the theoretical methods with no hard evidence? Like continuing to read your files to try to jog your memory naturally as we had discussed.”

“Fine,” he agreed, looking downtrodden. Patton really hoped he got his memory back before he got too restless and tried something like that.

“If you’re finished eating, we should get back to reading,” Patton said. Patton was certainly finished with his lunch.

The afternoon went well without any major disasters or talk about dangerous methods to get memories back. Logan had not remembered anything, but he’d been calm and patiently started sorting through his files in chronological order. Then, when Patton left him alone for a moment to go to the bathroom, he somehow managed to find his daily planner from where Patton had hidden under a blanket in the front hall closet.

“It’s fine,” Patton insisted from the couch, watching him pace back and forth and wringing his hands. “I called your advisor and told him you wouldn’t be able to meet with him because you were sick.”

Logan frowned at him. “You shouldn’t’ have done that. I could have gone. I don’t want to appear irresponsible by skipping meetings.”

“He wanted to talk about your research. You would have had no idea what he was talking about,” Patton reasoned.

“I would have managed.”

“Logan,” Patton said patiently. “Your research area is partial differential equations. Do you even know what those are?”

Patton could tell by the look on his face that he had no idea. Yet he still stuck his nose up in the air. “I know what a differential is, and I know what an equation is. I am sure I can figure out how to do parts of them.”

“You haven’t even taken multivariate calculus.”

“It can’t be that hard.”

“It is,” Patton groaned, “It is hard.”

“Perhaps for you,” he said hotly.

“No,” Patton ground out. “For you. The 28-year-old you spends hours a week trying to understand these things and he has a bachelor’s degree and almost 6 years of graduate education under his belt. You are in high school.” Logan just gave him a withering glare and turned his attention back to the planner.

“I’m supposed to teach two courses tomorrow,” he said.

“Oh, absolutely not,” Patton said.

“I have a responsibility rather or not I have my memories.”

“Logan, listen to me. You have not graduated high school. You cannot teach a calculus class.”

Logan bristled. “I took calculus last year and got an A.”

Patton had to take a steadying breath. “That is not the same as teaching it.”

“It can’t be that hard. I will simply explain the information to them.”

“And when one of them asks you how to add two fractions?”

Logan’s eyebrows crinkled. “That is a basic skill. I am sure anyone in a college calculus course can do that easily.”

“You have clearly never taught a day in your life.”

Logan bristled. “Any adult who cannot add fractions should immediately be kicked out of university and returned to kindergarten where they belong.”

Patton looked at him for a moment hoping perhaps he would figure out on his own why what he just said was completely out of line. He just kept his jaw stubbornly firm. Patton took a breath. “And that is why you cannot go and teach these students.”

Logan scoffed. “I am not sure why my future self would put up with such things.”

“Because you almost failed your real analysis course,” Patton answered in a heartbeat. “Your first semester of teaching, you were also taking a first-year graduate real analysis course and you couldn’t understand a word of measure theory. It was the first time in your life that you had to work for a C. One day you looked at your students and came to the realization that the look on their faces when you tried to explain the product rule to them was likely the same expression your professor saw on yours when he tried to explain the existence of non-measurable sets. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and if we let someone else draw the line for stupid, there is every chance we’d end up on the wrong side of it. So,” Patton said crossing his arms, “I am not going to let you go ruin your own reputation with your students as a teacher who is not an asshole because you’ve not had to toe your own line yet.”

Logan met his eyes, clearly wanting to argue, but Patton just kept his face strict and his arms crossed. Logan’s face cleared suspiciously quickly, and he backed down. “Fine,” he agreed. “I will stay here.”

“Good,” Patton replied eyeing him. “Now put down the planner and let’s go back to work.”

Want to read more? Use the links below!

AO3 Part 9

My Masterpost 

[vanaera]

Love at First Snow (jhs)

Synopsis | It is during the first snow Hoseok first meets Y/N. It is also during the first snow he prepares to put a ring on her. Little does he know, fate has other plans. (OR: As Hoseok relishes in the spirit of the Holiday season, he cannot help but also reminisce how you two, though entire polar opposites of each other, ended up together. Characters | dance major (and “academically-challenged”)!Hoseok x Genius!female reader (College AU) Prompt | “You know, you remind me a lot of the Grinch. The only difference is in the end, his heart grows three sizes, but you stay an asshole.” Genre | Fluff, Humor, Angst Wordcount | 16.9k (I’m sorry, this ended up longer than I intended) Warnings | Discussions of verbal abuse from toxic families and mentions of panic attacks A/N | Hi Cristine! It is I, snowflake, your secret santa! This is my gift for @bts-poetry for @bangtanarmynet, and @btsbookclub ‘s Secret Santa 2019 event! I combined this gift with the prompt I claimed in @kwritersworld’s 2019 Christmas Event as my inspirations for both events have merged into one story hehe.

              Everyone has some titles to live by. “Well-versed lawyer,” “patient teacher,” “single mother,” “broke student”—one-liner characteristics and descriptions enough for people to summarize the entirety of one another. From each other’s greatest achievements to their itty bitty mistakes, any of them can be used to replace an identifier. After all, people always see what they want to see. It all depends on what title sticks out the most to the majority around them.  For Jung Hoseok, he lives up to the title of a lovable boyfriend and a rare one, too. As whenever people look at him, the first thing they see is the aberrance of how he ended up….dating Y/N.

              There’s nothing wrong with him, or Y/N for that matter. It’s just…they are the most impossible couple to end up together as they are the most literal polar opposites of each other.

             People remember Jung Hoseok as the golden dance major of the prestigious South Tigers University. He got into the Performing Arts program, Major in Dance by acing the laborious dance audition despite his unimpressive results in the written exam. Hoseok’s colorful background from his long-term dance crew, Hope World, and his countless wins in different hip hop dance competitions were more than enough proof to know he is indeed one of the top dancers of the university. With a body capable of executing each move ever known to humankind with such grace and precision, Jung Hoseok also has a stage presence that warrants everyone’s unbridled attention. Thus, it is without question he is the prided Most Valuable Dancer of his university’s varsity dance crew, Synergy. The long line-up of trophies Synergy has placed in STU’s hall of glory, all thanks to the competitions Hoseok led, are enough to say Hoseok is literally the modern-day Apollo.

             However, it is not just his talent or insanely god-like face and physique that makes Hoseok so “golden.” Because as if Apollo wasn’t enough, Hoseok also impersonated Helios. Jung, Hoseok is warm and kind and funny. He easily makes everyone want to be his bestfriend the moment they met him. Most people often speak of him first thing in the morning with another wonderful feat he pulled off. Hoseok is great in the things he does — playing as the great wingman for people who need the extra push in their romances or becoming the occasional teacher’s pet who goes to the professor and (easily) successfully convinces them to give the class a deadline extension for a requirement. Hoseok turns up every campus party into the happiest event anyone could ever be in and he is such an amazing, sincere friend who remembers everyone’s birthday and gives out the nicest of hugs. Hell, Hoseok even volunteers in long-inactive “dead” college organizations like the Campus Drunk Patrol, Environment Protection Squad, and Animal Welfare Group in his free time. Hoseok is the literal sun and anyone who knows him — which is literally, everyone — will never be unable to deny otherwise.

             So when Hoseok expressed romantic interest in Y/N in sophomore year, everyone around him was beyond bewildered. Most especially, his friends.

             “Y/N?” Jimin sputters, “as in…The Y/N, L/N from our batch?”

             “Well, yeah-”

             “Like the Analytical Physics major Y/N L/N?” Taehyung gapes.

             “Yeah, I mean,” Hoseok sends them a questioning look, “is there any other Y/N L/N?”

             Taehyung scratches his head. “Well, no…I just thought there’s a Y/N in another batch?”

             Hoseok gives him a pointed look, unamused.

             But Taehyung’s true sentiment is voiced out when Jimin half-screams at their table, “Why her?!”

             “Well, why not her?” Hoseok half-smiles, picking on the fries that were dropped scattered onto the table after Jimin unceremoniously pounded his fist on the surface in an act of over-exaggeration.

             Taehyung sends Hoseok a disgusted look but continues his friend’s argument, “Dude, she’s like, the entire opposite of you.”

             “And that is an understatement.” Jimin points a fry toward his direction, glaring at Hoseok.

             Hoseok huffs, “Oh c'mon, you’re all just going overboard. What happened to the golden rule ‘don’t judge a book by its cover?’”

             “First of all, Y/N’s not a book,” Jimin scoffs. “She’s like, the whole fucking library of science textbooks. Last sem, we’re busy doing a group project when Y/N suddenly spewed some SOHCAHTOA shit about the Bermuda Triangle. As if the things she said are already a whole level of weird, she even said them in a manner like Liam Neeson’s ‘I don’t know who you are but I’m going to kill you’ monologue from Taken. And second of all, the golden rule is ‘do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you,’ dumbass.”

             “Okay I got the golden rule wrong,” Hoseok groans, “but nevertheless, you’re still violating it by judging Y/N.”

             “In our defense tho,” Taehyung mumbles over the straw of his milkshake, “Y/N judged us first. I was watching Orange one time in the library and she came over and took a seat with me. And then she said some alien gibberish about how Naho Takamiya always fall stupidly on the stairs because she said, by verbatim, ‘according to basic logic and common sense, that’s not how projectiles work,’” Taehyung clicks his tongue and Jimin cringes. Taehyung continues, “Y/N said Naho wouldn’t fly to the hallway when she tripped on the actual steps. She even actually drew a diagram with computations of Naho’s fall and gave it to me before she abruptly got up and go. God, I’ve never felt so stupid and insulted both at the same time.”

             “And,” Jimin adds, “last December, I shared a meme on Facebook about turning on your brain instead of your heart this coming 2017 and guess what she did? She commented below “guess, you’ll just die of heart failure before 2017 even comes.” Jimin rolls his eyes, “She made me feel dumb as if I don’t know how heart failure works. So us judging her back is just fair and square.”

             “But you don’t actually know how heart failure works,” Hoseok retorts. He glares at Taehyung, “And dude, to be honest, Orange is overrated and Naho really flies whenever she trips, or gets tripped, on the stairs.” Hoseok throws up his hands in annoyance. “Seriously, are you two judging her for just…I don’t know, being smart?!”

             Taehyung sighs. “Okay, that’s a bit true, but the thing is, Hobi, our IQ levels are already a bit higher than yours—”

             “What’s that got to do with this?!”

             “—And if Y/N’s already treating us like the biggest idiots of the world,” Jimin continues Taehyung’s words, “then what chance do you have in having a decent conversation with her? Much less a more fruitful one that could end up in a romantic relationship? There’s like a 99.9 percent sure-ness she will make you more of an idiot than us!”

             “Yeah,” Taehyung nods. “Her thoughts are composed of quadratic formulas and science shit like ‘the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.’ While I’m not even sure you know what DNA stands for.”

             Hoseok gawks, “Of course I know what DNA stands for!”

             “Then say it,” Jimin cocks a brow.

             “Dual Nucleus Association—fuck, why am I even doing this—” Hoseok glares at his friends, “What do you take me for? An imbecile?”

             “Well, yeah,” Taehyung says honestly.

             “That’s why right now, we’re telling you to drop anything you’re feeling in that,” Jimin points to Hoseok’s chest, “for Y/N. Hell, how will you even click together? Y/N’s allergic to nonsense and emojis and your daily vocabulary is entirely nonsense and eggplant emojis.”

             Hoseok opens his mouth to argue he also knows about the clown emoji but before he can utter a word, Taehyung beats him to it.

             “Dude, we’re not telling you this to insult you.” Jimin snorts and Taehyung closes his eyes before he looks again at Hoseok’s eyes, “Okay, maybe we’re enjoying teasing you a little too much. But we can say this is just payback for you not letting us go home earlier yesterday because you said we ‘need improvement’ which I damn well think not, bitch.” Hoseok squirms and Taehyung claps his shoulder hard, making him wince. “Anyway, what we’re trying to say, Hoseok, is we just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

             “How will I get hurt?! Nothing’s happened yet. I’m just saying I like Y/N—”

             “That’s what we’re worried about, Hoseok,” Jimin cuts him. “Nothing’s happened yet but we know something already did.”

            “Like what?”

            “You like Y/N. That’s the problem,” Jimin deadpans. “Hoseok we know you like to take relationships seriously. We even know that when you set your heart on a girl, your imagination is already two steps ahead, playing your wedding in your head.”

            Hoseok gulps, a guilty sweat forming on his temple.

            “But you see, Y/N belongs to that type of people who have their what-will-you-be-in-10-years solidly planted in their heads. And it’s highly probable a relationship, much less a wedding, is written in those 10-year plans. Much more, art majors like us are stigmatized to bound for failure because society is still close-minded and deems art won’t feed us. And by the meaning of society, it’s the ‘almighty and noble’ science folks Y/N belongs to. For God’s sake, there’s a lot of movies that have already forecasted science and art don’t mix!” 

            “Well, I don’t remember any movies—”

            Taehyung looks at Hoseok, incredulous. “Dude, there’s like The Theory of Everything—”

             “That’s science and faith!”

            “Stephen Hawking’s ex-wife sang in a choir. And she also started writing after their divorce! So that’s still art!”

            Hoseok was about to retaliate when he feels Jimin clasp a firm hand on his shoulder. He looks at him. Jimin sighs, “Hoseok, we just want you to not regret your decisions in the end. Y/N belongs to those snobbish high-hat people who treat everyone below them like dirt. There’s plenty of other girls out there who are much nicer than Y/N. Nice just like you. For one, why don’t you try giving a chance to the girls who’ve been crushing on you since freshman year? I know a few and they’re actually sweet. Just anyone who’s not Y/N. Seriously, just trust us on this, Hobi.”

             Except Hoseok does not. If there is one characteristic to describe Hoseok other than nice and talented, that would be his hard-headedness. He didn’t listen to his parents when they tried to discourage him from taking dance as his major. Hoseok disregarded numerous peers’ suggestions to join a frat so he can “shine more.” He even disregarded the toxic masculinity fraternities promoted by rocking pink overalls with his sparkly ugly sneakers and multicolored acorn pouch (which Jimin told him was the bane of the entire fashion industry) at least once a week. He even changes it up with other colorful ensembles the fashion students make. Hoseok did not even listen to Taehyung when the former told him not to drink before taking their finals in World History because, "no Hoseok, the alcohol does NOT bring back memories.”

             And look where his stubbornness got him. Hoseok became one of the greatest dancers his university has ever handled. His sole talent is enough for him to get invited to teach classes in several prestigious art colleges in the country. Hoseok gained more fulfilling and growth-inspiring friendships than surface-level ones offered by frats. He enjoyed more substantial conversations than booze temptation and toxic, trivial fights over games and girls. Hoseok even accidentally created a modeling career with local brands after his viral modeling of a peach acorn-inspired outfit for the project of his fashion major friends. Although him disregarding Taehyung’s reminders was a big mistake as he totally flunked World History, that night actually made Hoseok learn his lesson not to drink before the finals (and also because he learned the alcohol does not bring back memories he actually needed for the exam. But memories of his most embarrassing moments — like the one where he ended up performing in a children’s party as a fairy godmother—complete with the rainbow gown, fairy wings, plastic crown, and wand—because he mixed up the location of the college’s Halloween party with his friend’s family get-together).

             So, why would Hoseok listen to Jimin and Taehyung when setting his eyes and heart for Y/N feels like the most right decision he has ever made in his life? Especially when Y/N’s nowhere the high-hat snobbiety concept Jimin put her in. Hoseok is sure about this because he started to see and know her more than anyone else could after the fateful night of the Science Majors’ last year’s Christmas party.

             “Is that Y/N?” Hoseok squints his eyes. The person walking towards him is clad in a black coat and indigo satin slip-dress that falls short on her mid-thigh. Her hair is a mess and her small glittery satchel is slipping off her shoulders even if she adjusted it again and again. Not to say she’s also limping on her two-inch silver heels. When the girl raises her head and sees him, her face falls into an annoyed scowl. Hoseok right then confirms it is aberrantly, and shockingly, Y/N. At the sight of recognition in his face, Y/N immediately runs away in the opposite direction. Hoseok finds himself already chasing after her before his mind could acknowledge that he is actually running after the campus’ excruciating goody-two-shoes in the ass'o clock of the night.

             Hoseok easily catches up to Y/N. He blocks her way, causing her to halt. Hoseok hunches as he breathlessly puffs, “Hey Y/N, why you so fast?”

             “No-none of your business Jung Hoseok,” Y/N turns away from him and crosses her arms. Hoseok almost smiles. It is amusing how she effortlessly pulls her usual “intimidator stance” even in such a weird scenario.

             “Well, it is my business if you’re wandering on campus grounds in the night and obviously not sober.”

             Y/N whips her head towards him, “I am sober. What are you even here for?”

             “According to my eyes, you’re clearly drunk. Look,” Hoseok points to her face, “you look red all over and you can’t even look at me straight.” 

            Y/N slaps his hand away. 

            Hoseok puts his hands back in his pockets, “You’re clearly doing some beautiful eyes challenge right now.” 

            Y/N cringes at him but Hoseok continues, “And for your second question, I’m patrolling for the Campus Drunk Patrol.” He smiles and points to the logo on his jacket.

             Y/N leans forward and squints at the logo. Seeing her raised brow, Hoseok explains, “We aim to help drunk students sober up before commuting home. We can also escort them to their dorm facades and notify their RAs to come and get them.”

             Y/N still has her brow raised, skeptical. Hoseok sighs, “Well, it’s a dead org so I understand why you don’t believe me. If I also learn some org that’s been inactive for five years has suddenly gone active, I will be skeptical, too. But trust me on this, okay? I’ll just walk you around until you’re sober enough to know how to go home. I heard you’re dorming here. I can help you get to your dorm if you want.”

             Y/N still looks unconvinced and Hoseok releases a sigh again. He juts his thumb and points to his back, “We have our Patrol Marshal stationed there by the campus gates. He can totes see us here and tell you’re one of the stubborn drunk students who refuse to cooperate with our protocol.” 

            Hoseok smugly puts his weight on his left foot.“You can refuse and go ahead. But because the marshal doesn’t let drunk people he already caught go home, he will notify the head RA and trust me when I tell you I’ve seen a lot of students end up in bigger trouble for not complying with our joint protocol with the RA Council. Or,” Hoseok smiles, “you could just make our lives easier by letting me help you sober up.”

             Y/N looks away, gnawing on her lip. When Hoseok hears a faint “fine” come from her, he has to keep his jaw from hanging open.

             Because, why wouldn’t he be flabbergasted?

             Y/N L/N, the fearsome Analytical Physics major, is not the sweetest star out there. With a resting bitch face, innateness to give cold replies, gift of the perpetual judging stare, and insensitivity to joke cues, Y/N is one of the hardest people to cooperate with. It is not entirely because she does not put in any effort. No one just found it easy, or tolerable even, to interact with her. Sure, Y/N’s smart, a genius in Hoseok’s eyes. However, what stuck to everyone’s memory is how she unconsciously belittles everyone around her. Y/N gives out unnecessary run-throughs of chemistry concepts about any movie or animation brought up in a conversation. She instantly goes grammar-nazzi on anyone who slips on the rules of English grammar, especially when people make errors concerning the Oxford comma in their papers. She even goes out of her way to explain to her fellow students the physics of how and why they drove or parked badly with their bike or scooter.

             But the pinnacle of Y/N’s negative reputation has to be her merciless removal of her senior’s name, Oh Sehun, from the case study required in Communication Media Theories. In her very first year in university, at that. Although her action is justified as Sehun did not contribute anything at all in the group project, this name removal caused outrage among every college student. Sehun, who is actually the college’s renowned quarterback, graduated late and was now behind of his original team who already got into the professionals. All because of Y/N. Hence, the people in the university have started to associate her name with the title “stuck-up-iest bitch to ever walk on Earth.” Some don’t even seem to remember her name. All everyone knew is that Y/N’s one hell of a condescending bitch.

             So having Y/N walk silently by his side, cooperating for the first time without reciting her rights based on the constitution with such accuracy in verbatim while passively and implicitly insulting him, Hoseok cannot help to be so shocked.

             Noticing the complete silence that has surrounded them two, Hoseok breaks from his trance and leads Y/N to the college’s cafe. It’s already closed, given the lateness of the night, but it has their outdoor metal chairs set-up outside. He lets Y/N plop down on one of the metal seats as he produces a coffee-in-can for her.

             “Do you just casually carry around canned coffees with you?”

             “No, just when I am on duty for the patrols. Caffeine is the best way to help people sober up fast.” Hoseok inserts an edible straw for her and she grabs the drink.

             “I don’t think so,” Y/N mutters, “Human body processes consumed alcohol on its own, thus, it’s processing speed is neither affected nor aided by any exterior substances. With this, there’s no such actual thing as 'sobering up fast.’ It just feels like that because caffeine is a stimulant and hence, counters the sedative effect of alcohol, making you feel alert and appear to be sober.” Y/N takes another sip, “Nevertheless, thanks for the free coffee.”

              Hoseok almost gapes. The people were not kidding about how Y/N casually spouts science shit wherever she goes. Although he’s supposed to get tipped off, Hoseok just finds this set-up oddly amusing. He leans forward in his seat and props up his arm on the table to cup his face. “Anyway, why are you out in the late of the night?”

                 Y/N gives him an unamused look, “Because I was obviously partying. Is there any other party in the campus right now than the Science Majors’ Christmas party?”

              “You’re right,” Hoseok chuckles, “but what I mean is, why are you already outside? The party doesn’t end 'til 2 A.M.”

              “I just decided I want to go home.”

              “Why?”

              Y/N drops her drink on the table, “Are you just gonna ask me 'why’ everytime?!”

              Hoseok tilts his head and smiles, “Talking with drunk people is part of our protocol in sobering up. So, yeah, I’m gonna ask why every time until the redness on your nose and cheeks subsides a little.”

              “Fine,” Y/N hisses. She gives Hoseok a steely glare, “This night is the first time I’ve done something so stupid such as going to a party in an attempt to expand my connections. It turns out everyone still irrationally hates me about Oh Sehun’s name removal and they refused to interact with me. They kept sending me glares  while I just pathetically stood in the corner of the room for the duration of the party, dumbly holding a cup of some alcoholic drink I just realized 30 minutes ago was what you call ‘spiked.’ These pretty heels I wore hurt my ankles and toes all for nothing.” Y/N covers her face with her palms, “God, I don’t even know why I’m opening up about these things with you when it’s just the first time I talked with you. Maybe it’s just because I’m just drunk, god, it’s so stupid–”

              “It’s not stupid,” Hoseok interjects and Y/N raises her head from her hands. Hoseok smiles, “When there’s too much alcohol in our system, we get to do stuff we never knew we can. And sometimes, they are things we really desire to do but dare not let out in the open, afraid of what others may think. And it may come off as stupid as you’re letting your heart do the talking instead of your brain. But you know what? You have to be stupid sometimes to acknowledge what your brain may be missing out on. Plus,” Hoseok stretches open his arms wide, “there’s just the two of us here so no one can really judge you because hey, I’m just all ears here. After all, I’m just an officer of the Campus Drunk Patrol helping you sober up.” At the sight of Y/N’s pursed lips and eyes set on the coffee beside her, looking as if she’s convinced (and it looks like it’s not like her to admit it), Hoseok smiles wider and leans forward. “Now, back to your story. Why did you decide to go to a party?”

              “Because,” Y/N sighs, “I don’t know, @keanu_reeves_is_the_real_daddy from Hoboken said in Reddit that going to parties is a great opportunity to make friends.” Y/N looks down at her hands and interlocks them, “I’m just–I’m just desperate to get some friends. I’m already in second year, and still, no one wants to be with me. I often talk about how I don’t care whether people like me or not. Most of the time, I really do not care at all. But sometimes...it also gets lonely when you feel everyone seems to hate you.”

              “Well, I’m not everyone.”

              Y/N looks up at him, frowning, “That’s a great joke, Hoseok. I saw you hanging with Jimin just yesterday and I heard my name as the subject and "stick-in-the-ass bitch” as the predicate in a couple of sentences.“

              "Hate to break it to you, sweetie, but it was just Jimin who talked bad about you. Did you hear me say your name and 'stick-in-the-ass’ in one sentence?”

              Y/N glares at him. She then rips her gaze away from him to set them back on her interlocked fingers. “What are you trying to imply, Hoseok?”

               "I’m trying to imply, if you want to have a friend, I’m willing to be one.”

               "But you already got lots of friends.”

               Hoseok smiles, “That doesn’t mean I have no room left for one more.”

              Y/N gives him that skeptic look again and Hoseok snorts. “Hey, I’m being serious here. I really want to be your friend if you’d like. And no, it’s not because I pity you.” 

              Y/N raises a brow at him in disbelief and Hoseok purses his lips. He raises his hands in surrender, “Ooohkay, maybe like 0.001 percent I do, but 99.999 percent I just don’t like how everyone hates you for something that is not actually your fault. I really want to get to know you if you’d let me.”

                 Y/N just stares at him and Hoseok, for the first time in his life save for the days he’s answering written exams, has literally no idea what to do. Is Y/N angry at him for blurting out those things? Or is she aggravated he seemed plastic? But Hoseok knows he meant every single thing he said because first and foremost, he cannot lie even if he wanted to. He’s a goddamn horrible liar that anyone will know he’s lying before he can even start to lie. Second, he always says the first thing that comes to his mind because, in the majority of his life, he is incapable of thinking first before doing something. And third, Hoseok really meant what he said. He’s always been curious about Y/N. Jimin and Taehyung always talk ill about her and from the numerous negative shits he hears from them, he can’t help but think that maybe, her reputation is just one big hell of a rumor. It’s just impossible that so many rumors and negative comments about someone who he rarely sees outside the university, to be true. 

              Hoseok knows because he also has his fair share of rumors he has struggled to disprove. Like how he “cheated” in dance contests because no one can’t believe someone is just so exceptionally talented that they can win every single competition they join. Or how he “slept around” with almost half of the female population in the university just because he has lots of female friends and he loves to joke around with eggplant and saliva emojis in his texts. It’s hard to be contained in such one definitive title, much more a heavily negative one. Hoseok knew what it felt and it feels it’s just wrong to stay as a standbyer while the entire university jeers on Y/N for such a trivial reason.

              “Do-do you really mean that?”

              Hoseok looks at Y/N and nods. “Yes, I do.”

              Something wet drops on his jacket and Hoseok looks up at the sky. The sky is pitch black, save for the white inklets dotting the atmosphere, lightening up the dark horizon along with the glow of sparkling snowflakes. He turns to Y/N and smiles, “Oh look, it’s the first snow.”

              Y/N returns his smile this time. She tells him she wants to stay for ten more minutes to appreciate the snow before going home. Hoseok grins at her and says he’s got enough time to spare before his duty ends.

              The next day, Y/N’s frowning at Hoseok as the latter awkwardly holds his lunch tray next to her table.

              “Uhhh, aren’t you standing by the wrong table? Your friends sit over there.”

              “No,” Hoseok quips. “Jimin and Taehyung are not seated anywhere here because their lunches are scheduled way later today. And, this, in my opinion,” Hoseok scoots to Y/N’s side and sits down beside her, “is the perfect table.” Hoseok digs in his lunch and grins at her, “You should probably start eating now, too, y'know? Your food’s gonna get cold.”

              “I–” Y/N bites her lip and look away before she refocuses a glare at his face, “Are you really taking seriously your joke last night?”

              “It’s not a joke,” Hoseok retorts, dropping his utensils. “I’m serious about everything I said." 

              "But I didn’t mean mine. I’m drunk, remember?”

              “If you really didn’t mean them,” Hoseok looks at her, “then you can just tell me to leave. I’ll do whatever you say.”

              Y/N stares at him, brows scrunched together as if conflicted. She looks down on her hands on her lap and sighs, “I…don’t really want you to…leave. I’m sorry, I just…thought you’re just playing with me. You know all of this is still new to me. I’m sorry.”

              “Hey, it’s fine,” Hoseok chuckles, “no need to be so serious. We can take things slowly as long as you’d like.” Y/N pulls up a small smile and Hoseok grins. “Let’s finish our lunches and then we can look at memes. Memes are essential building blocks in friendships.”

              “Really?”

              “Yeah. Taehyung and I became friends after we accidentally sent each other hilarious anti-government blinking man memes.”

              It is needless to say the entire university goes berserk later when they find Y/N, the campus bitch, and Hoseok, the university’s sunshine boy, guffawing over chemistry memes during lunch. Hoseok does not understand a thing, but he enjoys laughing with Y/N as she passionately explains to him each concept and why they are funny.

              It is true that Y/N wasn’t the dearest person in the world. Hoseok learned this after weeks of dealing with her unintentional snarkiness and unnecessary science lessons that may seem insulting and offensive to others. But through the time he got to befriend her, Hoseok learns Y/N is just too smart for her own good. Y/N always goes around like an encyclopedia because she doesn’t know what else to say when she wants to find common grounds with other people. It is just unfortunate that Y/N cannot speak of anything that does not involve quantum mechanics and chemical structures.  Meanwhile, her unintended snarkiness is always directed to people’s redundancy and anomalies in their speech. Hoseok found out about this as soon as February rolled in, that it has to do with the restrictive childhood Y/N had. This, he discovered when Professor Minyoung Park called for him after his Science 11 GE class.

              “Hoseok, I see you getting close with Y/N, these days.”

              “Yes ma'am,” Hoseok replies. He sits on the chair in front of her desk.

              “Oh, then you must have been familiar with how she can get,” Ms. Park leans forward, “not so…friendly around people. I know she and her mind of hers can be a little too much for others.”

              Hoseok’s forehead furrows. How did Professor Park know? Although Y/N’s bad reputation has easily spread like wildfire among college students, not many professors or any of the university staff have shown any interest in her life other than her impressive academic standing. Hoseok asks, “How did you know, Ms. Park?”

              The 40-year old professor leans back and smiles. “Would you believe I used to tutor Y/N L/N back in middle school?”

              “No way,” Hoseok’s jaw drops open.

              Ms. Park chuckles, “Yes, it’s true. I know, what a coincidence right?  I remember how that pretty girl used to be so insecure about her braces.”

              “Yeah, she must be so…adorable back then,” Hoseok looks away bashful. He’s not used associating Y/N with such adjectives. Saying them aloud feels too weird on his tongue.

              Ms. Park’s voice makes him turn back to her. “Until now she is. It’s just a shame how she did not outgrow her…usual speech style. But in her defense, it’s not entirely her fault.”

              Hoseok’s eyes widen. His curiosity is instantly piqued. “What do you mean, Ms. Park?”

              “Well, Y/N L/N is brought up in a home…quite not friendly for children growing up. The L/Ns is a prestigious family. Not for their wealth, but for their remarkable lineage of geniuses. Y/N’s great grandparents are renowned mathematician whizzes. Her grandparents own Fields medals for their remarkable contributions in mathematics. Moreover, Y/N’s parents are well-respected chemists in almost every pharmaceutical congregation. Even their relatives are families of renowned doctors and engineers. From over ten years of tutoring her, I noticed how expectations pile up upon the short shoulders of young Y/N. Every single school day, Y/N has to attend cram schools and private tutoring after her classes to ensure she stays on top of the overall batch standing. She also has to be exposed to upper-class parties at such a young age which I think does not help anyone at all. Especially a child. All the people ever do there is brag about their achievements, scour for new families to ally with or manipulate, and eye each other’s mistakes so they can prove publicly how better they are than everyone else.” Ms. Park looks at Hoseok in the eyes, “Believe me, I used to dream about attending such parties until I finally learned how they go when I’ve been invited by the L/Ns. And with Y/N being a single child, all eyes were on her. So any room for mistakes is non-existent. Her parents assured her to grow like the perfect daughter they wanted her to be by making sure her movements are always constantly monitored and kept in check. You think Y/N studied here because this is just a prestigious school? No. The L/Ns wanted to send her abroad. To Harvard. Y/N refused and convinced them instead she’ll study here because I work here. And her parents trust me that I can be their eyes to see Y/N’s progress.”

              Hoseok nods but he cannot help but let his mouth hang open at everything he’s discovering right now. No one really knew anything about Y/N. And suddenly out of nowhere, on some random Thursday afternoon, he is introduced into a pandora box of history where everything about her suddenly seems to make sense.

              Ms. Park must have noticed his troubled face so she reaches out and holds Hoseok’s hand. “Hoseok, I’m not telling you these to pressure you. In fact, I am happy Y/N finally found someone who can listen to her and understand her, instead of watching her like a glass-cased perfect doll. I’m just telling you all these not to excuse the mistakes she has done but for you to understand where she’s coming from, especially when interacting with her can be difficult sometimes. So I hope you won’t give up on her, Hoseok. I know you’re a good kid. I just want Y/N to finally enjoy herself like every other college student out there.”

              And Hoseok, with his ever characteristic stubbornness did not give up on you.

“What do you mean I cannot state the faulty quantum mechanics in Antman to Taehyung?!” Y/N scowls at Hoseok, fingers frozen on the book she has mid-taken away from the shelf.

“Because you will break Taehyung’s heart,” Hoseok purses his lips and steps nearer to her, almost cornering her to the back of the bookshelf. “And can you lower your voice? We’re in a library.”

“For the same reason you should also back up a bit as I do not fancy you borderline sexually harrassing me.”

“Sexual harassment?!” Hoseok whisper-yells, “I’m stepping closer to you because I feel the need to whisper louder for you to get my point that you should not explain whatever Antman’s faulty quantum shit to Taehyung because that will make him angry. And sad!”

“Why will he be angry?” Y/N sticks her nose up and crosses her arms. “Shouldn’t he feel grateful I am adding heuristic value to his existing knowledge?”

Hoseok drags a hand down his face, “Well, I didn’t say you cannot explain some facts to Taehyung. I’m just saying you don’t tell him those things in a matter-of-factly way you always do because he’ll think you’re insulting him for watching such movies.”

“How should I say them then?” Y/N quips back.

Y/N learns the answer to her question before she knew she already did it. She realizes it when she gets out of her film class and Hoseok, who has been waiting for her last period to finish, asks her how did it go.

“Well, I told him 'The film Antman is quite weird.’”

“And what did he say?”

“Taehyung grinned at me and high-fived me.”

“Well then, it was successful. Much better than how you initially decided to do it,” Hoseok grins.

“But still…I called Ant Man weird, I’m still perplexed why Taehyung is pleased.”

“Calling something weird is a common expression to us,” Hoseok starts and Y/N tilts her head. Hoseok explains further, “’Weird’ can mean as a good endearing weird or an insulting ‘weird.’ If you added statistics of probability and some laws with calling something ‘weird,’ it will sound like 'Hypothesis one is proven: the movie is confirmed to be bullshit because of unquestionable proof.’ And that will appear insulting because you are not giving room for others’ opinions to be valid. It will make you look you’re belittling them if you said it that way. But today, you did not. See?” Hoseok smiles, “you do not have to state 100 percent what you really meant. Just a bit of truth you find essential for others to know is already enough for a small talk.”

Y/N nods, her lips morphed into an amused “oh.”

Hoseok grins as he puts his hands on his waist, “Trust me on this. I became Mr. Congeniality last year for a reason.”

“What does it have to do with making small talk?”

“It means, I am the expert in making small talk.”

***

“C'mon, Y/N, let’s go to the spring festival. Please, please, please, pleaseeee.”

“No, Hoseok,” Y/N pulls her hand from his grip, “I have to study for our finals.”

“But, Y/N, it’s too early for that. The finals is yet to come 'til next month! Look at me, I do not feel any pressure to study yet.”

“But that’s because you do not have any academic standing to maintain.”

Hoseok’s face falls and Y/N immediately rectifies her mistake. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, Hoseok. Of course, I know you also value your class standing, given your program and all. I’m sorry I’m being insensitive again.”

Hoseok breaks into a laugh. “Oh my god, I’m just fucking around with you! You’re partially right though, I don’t have an academic standing to maintain but a performative one. Although I still have to keep my grades up so I can continue studying here. Anyway,” Hoseok grins at Y/N, offering his hand out, “I only accept apologies in the form of accompanying me to the spring festival.”

“Fine, Hoseok,” Y/N  begrudgingly accepts his hand. But Hoseok cannot miss the small smile forming on her lips.

“Don’t fret tho,” He boops her nose and she cringes at him, “we can  insert some Q&A sessions later so you can do a bit of studying if you’d still like.”

“How will we do that?”

Y/N learns the answer to that when she finds themselves screaming from the opposite ends of the giant boat ride.

“HOSEOK, DAMN YOU!”

The boat tips and her stomach drops but all she can hear is Hoseok screaming.

“WRONG, Y/N. The answer to the drilling ship which can dig 'til the mantle of the earth IS CHIKYU! NOW, off to the next question. What are CYANOBACTERIA?!!!”

              But Hoseok does more than just sticking by Y/N’s side and not giving up on her. He falls in love with her.

              Through the months he has become Y/N’s friend, Hoseok cannot help but be endeared by her. The things about her he never thought will come as close to what he calls cute suddenly grows on him. It grows too much that he lives off every single one of them. Even if it usually ends with him getting roasted. He used to get frustrated by Y/N’s never-ending witty comebacks. Now, his heart started singing during their bicker-banters that Hoseok even started to look forward to their bickering. Y/N’s smile that Hoseok used to think was a standard horror level of creepy is now all he could dream about when he’s asleep, and even when he’s awake. The way Y/N laughs at him, or smiles when she sees him were heart-warming. Until they upped 100 million levels and now they have become cataclysmic for his heart. The way Y/N patiently teaches him his lessons, or how her science-y jokes and memes become funny was something Hoseok used to overlook as trivial. Now, he couldn’t wait for the days he’ll bring his notebooks to the library and stare at Y/N’s face while she teaches him quantum mechanics and chemical structures. 

              Y/N’s small “tokens of appreciation,” as what she called it, like her handmade ‘thank you’ cards she gives Hoseok every month, or her invitations for Hoseok to accompany her to some street event or nearby dance event, or as uneventful as a new food stall that has opened in the university were something Hoseok never put much thought on. Now, they’re Hoseok’s source of both happiness and headaches as they make his heart fly and his brain ache for thinking too much into her actions. The way Y/N looks at him like never someone else has before—so attentive and focused in everything he says as if everything that comes from his mouth has so much worth listening to. Even if it’s a disgusting tale of how he almost shitted his pants before their science exam because he didn’t listen to Jimin when he told him to stop binge-eating spicy wings as a coping mechanism to stress, Y/N listens. This used to be something Hoseok treats as his special privilege as her friend. But now, it has become a national treasure he does not want to share with others. Especially with Namjoon, his roommate, whom Y/N managed to befriend because the former is a Biology major who’s on the same level as Y/N’s intellectual prowess. God, Hoseok cannot even count on his hands the number of times he’s been conflicted if it was jealousy on Namjoon’s effortless way to make Y/N laugh, or petty anger because he cannot even understand their jokes. 

              Hoseok doesn’t know how or why he suddenly felt all of these things for Y/N. It just happened. And so is how he accidentally blurted it out to her during one of their conversations, despite Jimin and Taehyung’s adamant warnings not to ask her out.

              "And whenever I use the microscope in my room, I’m always scared turning the coarse knob so much. It will be horrifying to see the objective lens break the slide and the coverslip.”

              “Y/N, I like you.”

              YN’s jaw goes slack and she stares at him, eyes wide. Hoseok almost feels perspiration dot his entire hairline for what feels like ten whole minutes in purgatory. Will Y/N leave? Will she scream at him, laugh at him even for his audacity? Will she reject him? Of course she will, what is he thinking? Taehyung and Jimin are right. Y/N is smart and he is too dumb for her to even fulfill at least an ounce of her standards. Y/N is respectable and he is a shameless clown–

              “I…am allowing you to be sexually attracted to me, Hoseok.”

              “W-what?”

              “I said,” Y/N looks straight into his eyes, “I am giving you permission to like me, Hoseok.”

              Hoseok balks. “P-permission? W-why do I need permission?”

              “Because, if you’re going to like me, I need you to know I am acknowledging your sexual attraction to me seriously,” Y/N stands up, putting her hands in the pockets of your coat. “It will be a waste if you do not want a long-term commitment. I do not have time to dwell on anything less than that.”

              Lucky for Y/N, so does Hoseok and he wastes no time proving it to her. For the course of six months, Hoseok courts her in the most possible best Hoseok-way. Y/N lived the majority of her life within suffocating walls surrounded by academics, titles, honors, and people waiting for her to fall. Hoseok wanted to take her with him on a break (and a possible future lifestyle) away from them all. So he takes Y/N to carnivals, dance events, and festivals–ranging from streets decorated in cheap glowing lanterns to grander events that have remarkable fireworks displays.

              Hoseok shows Y/N himself at his most vulnerable and strongest. He lets her watch him perform alone in practice rooms as he expresses the things muddled in his head, things he never dares to say to anyone else. Y/N’s been with him when he broke down due to his anxiety concerning his not-so-impressive acads. She was also with him in his embarrassing drunk adventures. Hell, Y/N even participated in his crew’s weird end-of-the-sem party. She let Hoseok dress them two like the two robbers from Home Alone–complete with the rageddy cut gloves and dirty face makeup. But, Y/N has also seen Hoseok’s crew’s successful university tours, the exclusive events he got invited to, and his dance recitals that got many theater and entertainment scouts crowding the room he’s dancing in.

              Hoseok shows all of himself to Y/N. Willingly and so transparently, that in turn, she started to show him her self, too. Y/N let him see her in her utter glory. She let him see her receiving awards from various electronics competitions and exhibitions, her creating the first demo of her portable printer and scanner machine that earned many positive reviews from numerous investors, and her getting featured in not just the university’s newspaper or any other school’s newspapers, but the city’s news for a composting machine she invented. And, Y/N also let Hoseok see her at her worst. She let him see her get told off by one of the people she had unconsciously insulted in the hallways, her failing her Communication GE classes, and her having a panic attack when her parents announced yet again another party of scholars who wish to see what she’s been up to lately.

              These things made Y/N realize Hoseok was serious about her and she, in return, has started to cherish the golden boy who would never leave her alone for the day until she’s crying from sheer laughter and happiness.

              However, it is the small things Hoseok does that really really gets to her.

              Hoseok remembers the small details Y/N slips in during their conversations.

“Hey, you are not supposed to eat that,” a fork clashes with Y/N’s own, preventing her from reaching the delectable dish.

“This pasta?” Y/N looks up at Hoseok.

“It has chopped shrimps. I asked Seokjin about it and he said it has prawns.” Hoseok grabs Y/N’s hand and leads her to the other side of the buffet. There, he gets her pasta with white sauce, this time, garnished in bacon. “Here, eat this, instead. It may not taste like the one with the shrimp but at least you won’t get allergies and you can enjoy the rest of the night instead of chilling out at the hospital watching sad re-runs of The Big Bang Theory.”

***

“Hoseok, you won’t believe how fascinating my yield turned out to be, like–Hoseok, what are you doing?

Hoseok pauses in his fumbling and blinks at Y/N. He looks down back at his bag and sighs. “I was hoping to keep this a surprise but oh well.”

He pulls up something from his bag and Y/N’s left gaping when he hands her a box of baked cookies. He rubs his neck, the tip of his ears reddening under her  gaze. “I remember you telling me it’s been a while since you ate cookies. My mom baked a lot for us so here, have some. I know you’re on some ridiculous diet your parents told you to take. But I hope you could give yourself a cheat day and just eat and enjoy the day. Your parents aren’t here.”

              Hoseok never fails to check up on her.

“Hey, how long have you been hunched over your desk now?” Hoseok’s voice blares from Y/N’s phone’s speakers and she sighs.

“About five hours now, I think?”

“Okay. Why don’t you take a break for ten minutes before going back to the grind? You told me your back is being an ass to you for two weeks now. Give it some rest. Also, drink some water.”

“Okay mom, will do,” Y/N chuckles over the line.

“Okay my daughter,” Hoseok sing-songs and she snorts. “I’ll call later and check up on you. Don’t dare to not take a break. I know where your dorm is and I’ll break into your window if I have to.”

“Okay, okay, will do, my personal health support system.”

“Glad to be of your service, ma'am.”

***

Y/N sighs as she throws her bag onto her bed. Today is a beat day. Mr. David was sour and he poured all his frustration on their class by giving out unnecessary lectures instead of teaching the new lesson. Y/N guesses she’ll have to self-study again for a quiz the prof has irrationally scheduled for tomorrow. And oh, Ms. Peterson also gave out a heavy paper late. It will force Y/N to cram for it in two days as submission date is just the day after tomorrow. Why is every deadline piling up today? It’s not yet even finals week yet!

Y/N plops onto her desk with a heavy sigh. She’ll end up having to do an all-nighter again — wait, what’s that doing there? There’s a pack of sandwiches in a clear food container sitting on top of her desk, beside her notebooks. Y/N doesn’t remember buying one or requesting her rommate, Jae In, to buy her one. Curious, she picked it up and turned it around. That’s when Y/N sees a yellow post-it attached on the plastic container.

“Hey Y/N. I thought of you today and decided to make you a sandwich. This is edible, I assure you. I asked my cooking mama friend Seokjin to come over and help me. Eat this snack before you do your work. I know you always start work right after coming home from your classes. I hope you eat on time and not skip on meals.

With super duper mega love,

Hoseok 😘”

              And Hoseok helps Y/N to the best he can, whenever he can, especially about things she’s passionate about but no one takes time to really understand.

"Hey Y/N,” Hoseok greets as he plops down next to her seat in the library.

“Hoseok?” Y/N glances up at him, eyes wide, “What are you doing here? You told me you have practice today.”

“Eh, the members cancelled on me today.  And also, I’ve missed you, so I figured why not visit you.” Hoseok grins at her and she momentarily forgets how to breathe. Y/N doesn’t know when Hoseok started to have that effect on her, it just happened. And although it is starting to be an inconvenience regarding how she becomes a nervous wreck under his gaze, she weirdly cannot find herself complaining against it. 

Hoseok leans forward, breaking her trance. “Now, what should we study today?”

“Uh-uhm, cellular mechanisms. I wanted to learn more about cancer cells.”

“Cellular mechanisms it is, then. Want me to help you make diagrams?”

Y/N nods and Hoseok grins, “I see the skills of artist Hoseok is not about to die anytime soon, eh?”

***

“How does that work, Y/N?”

“Well, it converts the mechanical energy from every step you take into electrical energy. It’s not yet finished so I’m still figuring out how many more parts I need for this to work. My previous demos have a lot of mistakes.” Right at the same time, a bolt pops off. Y/N runs a hand over her face, “And a lot of malfunctioning parts.”

Hoseok scratches his head. “I don’t know about any energy conversions but I know how to screw well?”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

“A-a statement. I can fix what we have for now while you revise your design. Whaddya think?”

“That sounds good.” Y/N turns around and heads for her blue prints. But before she can pick up her measuring materials, she turns back to Hoseok, meeting his gaze as he’s mid-picking up a screw driver.

“Thank you, Hoseok for assisting me on this. I know it’s just a personal project and I may be taking too much of your time when you should probably be resting at your dorm.”

“Pssh, you’re not taking too much of my time. I am enjoying my time with you. Also, it’s not just a personal project. It is a personal project so of course, it deserves to have gigantic importance to you. And it will turn out great because I know it will. Now go let’s get these revisions done so we can do another test run.”

              Hoseok has been a wonderful friend, an amazing supporter, and a sincere person who never feels ashamed of showing Y/N what he felt. That is all she needed for her not to doubt anymore and accept his confession.

              “Hey, Y/N,” Hoseok huffs, hands tucked deep in his red parka. “Why did you  tell me to meet up in the park? It’s cold out. Can’t it wait 'til tomorrow?”

              “No, it cannot,” Y/N faces the man, brows scrunched, her lips red from the number of times she has bitten it. “Hoseok, there’s something I need to tell you.”

              “W-what is it?”

              “I…am reciprocating yo-your profession of your sexual attraction to me.”

              “What?”

              “I said, I am reciprocating–” Y/N’ bites her lip and closes her eyes. When she opens them again, she gives Hoseok the most focused stare she can ever give. “Hoseok, I am accepting your love confession. I like you, too.”

              Hoseok stares at Y/N, eyes wide, mouth agape. And for too long that Y/N thought the cold must have frozen him all over.

              “Hoseok, why are you staring like that? I am telling you, I like you too–hmppf!”

              Hoseok is kissing her, his lips pressed softly against hers in a gentle peck. Before Y/N could process things in her head about what to do when the boy she likes started kissing her, Hoseok is already coaxing her lips to dance with his. And before long, Y/N is returning him a kiss with the same ardor as his. It’s not like her to suddenly make out with someone so publicly. Hell, it’s not even like her to kiss someone with such passion that the warmth she feels on her chest comes close as to the heat of the sun. But as Y/N stays in Hoseok’s embrace in the middle of the frosted park which contrasts their warm chests, everything just feels so right.

              So right, as if fate just planned this very night for the two of them. Because, as their kiss comes into an end, Y/N and Hoseok both jolt at the drop of wetness that land on their heads. Y/N looks up and sees the familiar soft white snow falling from the dark night sky. The first snow. Right then deja vu sets in of how it was just one year ago she met this giggling boy in front of her at the very same time of the year.

              “I guess the universe wants us to be together, too.” Hoseok smiles.

              Y/N grins at him and sinks deeper into his embrace. “As preposterous that sounds given that the universe is, literally speaking, a no-higher living being, it is more preposterous that I am finding myself agreeing to and blushing because of this.”

              “I can’t understand what you said but I think it means you like it too so I’m deciding this is one of the best blush-worthy moments I ever had,” Hoseok kisses the top of Y/N’s head, “and whatever you say won’t stop me from taking back what I said.” Y/N nuzzles her nose against his chest, smiling at the way she cannot tell her heartbeat apart from his–the beats beneath their chests in sync despite the incongruity in her words.

***

              Loving Hoseok is easy. He is charming, generous, understanding, and everything Y/N ever wanted. Even more, nothing really changed from their friendship, just the addition of cheesy pick-up lines, sweet kisses here and there, hot make-out sessions which more often than not escalate into passionate (and very amazing) love-making. And Y/N loves her relationship with him as well for this. Because even if Hoseok succeeds in making her a soft mush for him, she cannot live her life without having him be the best-est friend she could ever have in her life.

              But from all the things Y/N loves about Hoseok, her most favorite has to be his utter transparency. What she sees in him, is what she gets. Hoseok is unabashed in proclaiming his feelings for her. He does not get embarrassed in showing Y/N his love for her. And, Hoseok does not keep secrets from her. He just willingly tells everything about him to her, no euphemisms, no lies. Y/N guesses this is probably the reason why their fights never last too long. Moreover, this quality of his makes up for Y/N’s inability to effectively express her thoughts and feelings. He taught Y/N pure utter honesty that so many people have stigmatized for naivety, but actually felt so amazing. He also taught Y/N to trust and let down her walls for people so they can be able to love her. Hoseok inspires and motivates Y/N to become a better version of herself, not only for the sake of others, but also for herself, and she cannot be grateful enough for that. 

              Titles didn’t matter with Hoseok, with Y/N, and their relationship. What only matters is their labels for each other–boyfriend and girlfriend, lovers loved and in love. Hoseok does not encrypt his messages in a way that would match Y/N’s mental capacity – He just talks with her like the way he is, nonsense and eggplant emojis and all. Hoseok does not burden Y/N with heavy, unreasonable expectations. He just loves her and lets her be whatever she wants. He just stays by Y/N’s side as she freely learns from and works on her mistakes like every flawed human being. With Hoseok, Y/N knew what she deserves and she started to live her life the way she has always dreamed of–so flawed but so perfectly Y/N L/N who is unafraid of what the future may bring to her.

              However, not everyone cannot fully comprehend Y/N’s relationship with Hoseok. Loving Hoseok may be easy but the environment surrounding their relationship is an entirely opposite scenario. For Hoseok’s and Y/N’s disregard of titles, does not guarantee everyone else around their relationship will do the same.

              Y/N’s relationship with Hoseok spread throughout the campus like a Jeffree Star fight-controversy with another YouTuber in 2x speed. The entire university has gone berserk yet again, unable to fathom how someone who shines so bright like Hoseok can be together with someone like Y/N who dims other’s lights. And for other people, they cannot understand how such a happy-go-lucky academically-challenged student like Hoseok can even amuse such no-shit, genius brain of Y/N.

              Almost everyone has something to say about their relationship. And, most often than not, they are negative. It didn’t help anything in their relationship as Y/N is already insecure as to why Hoseok even chose her when he can have any woman he wished. Y/N knows she’s difficult to be with. She struggles with expressing her feelings and thoughts. She even feels like she’s making things too hard for Hoseok. You see, Y/N’s a safe player. In whatever grounds she’s in — academics, social life, family ties — she  always plays safe. Y/N finds it hard to not be so, especially when all her life, she has been groomed to be a person well-liked by everybody else — a person safe from any negative impression that may tarnish her reputation. So, when things get a little bit too hard with Hoseok, Y/N finds herself automatically heading for the exit.

              Just like in one Wednesday night in August. Y/N had her fair share of fights with Hoseok. From the difficulties that tie with his popularity, her inability to show her feelings to him that sometimes makes him question her love, his procrastination and occasional lack of care for his academics, her nature to obsess over her studies that she tends to forget herself and everyone around her, to his numerous female friends who have the audacity to still flirt with him even if they all know he’s dating her — Y/N and Hoseok have fought about them all within their seven months of dating. And sure, they were already pretty bad fights given that they were immensely serious with Y/N and Hoseok ending up screaming at each other, giving each other cold shoulders, and ignoring each other for at most (usually) five days. But this Wednesday night was not like any of ther previous fights. Because this time, Y/N told Hoseok she wanted to break up with him.

              “Will you stop for a second, Y/N?!”

              Y/N swiftly turns around, tears brimming her swollen red eyes, “What do you want, Hoseok? I already said what I need to say. I am tired of constantly being the bad guy whenever we fight. I am tired of this, of you. I want to break up.”

              “No, you don’t mean that,” Hoseok almost cries. He looks equally devastated as her — swollen eyes, pale face, trembling fingers. “N-no, you don’t mean that,” he repeats, this time, his voice breaking.

              “Of course I mean them, Hoseok,” Y/N spits, “I never say things I do not mean. You know me.”

              “I know you,” Hoseok retorts, “that’s why I am telling you right now you don’t mean telling me you’re tired of our relationship, of me. That you want to b-break up. B-because you’re Y/N,” he breathes out. “You seem cold but you actually care. You do not speak your thoughts or feelings aloud but act on them. Okay, maybe you speak them out, but you say it in a way most people do not understand so that still does not count. But, Y/N,” Hoseok reaches for her hand before she can even think of shaking off his hold, “I know you love me. Deep inside the deepest of your hypothalamus, like you said, I believe you love me. Or else, you wouldn’t stay when I told you to watch me dance alone, frustrated with the world. You wouldn’t put in effort befriending Taehyung and Jimin despite knowing what they all said about you in the past. You wouldn’t have told me you wanted to come with me to my hometown and meet my family for my dad’s birthday. And,” Hoseok looks down at his feet, “you wouldn’t have stayed with me this long knowing how annoying I can be and what everyone else has to say about us. So please, Y/N. Just please…stay. Let’s talk it out together. Don’t just break up with me. Please don’t just l-leave me alone.”

              When Hoseok looks up at Y/N, it is with his brows scrunched together, eyes glazed over, and form almost kneeling in front of her. He holds her hands so tight, but yet so gentle, as if afraid if he clasped her fingers tighter, it will be too suffocating that she’ll slip away from him. He just looks at her and she cannot help but return his gaze. Y/N realizes right then, it may have been a bad decision to do so. For all she could see in his eyes is her reflection. Her and only her. It even seems as if he’s trying to keep the entirety of her as vivid as a memory can be. And maybe it’s because it’s the way he unabashedly tells her everything he loves about her. Or the way he remembers every single detail about her. Or how he knows her so well despite their relationship blooming at such a young age. But, they are all enough for Y/N to hold his hands tighter and let him engulf HER in his arms.

              “H-Hobi–”

              “S-see? You even still call me like that,” Hoseok mutters above her head and Y/N bites her lip as she clutches onto his jacket tighter.

              “Hobi, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean them. I’m not tired of you. I’m not tired of u-us. I do not want to break up with you. Not at all. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Y/N lets out a sob and Hoseok hugs her tighter, running a hand over her hair, knowing it calms her down. “It’s just that everything’s been too much lately. The-the way your friends–”

              “What did they do?” Hoseok’s voice deepens close into a low growl. Y/N gulps. “Please tell me, Y/N,” Hoseok says softly as he cups her face in his warm hands. Y/N bites her lip and looks away. She does not want to be that type of girlfriend who instigates a fight between their significant other and their friends. She does not want Hoseok to have a bad blood with people he cares about. But then, Y/N remembers their fight two months ago. That night when she confronted Hoseok about the consecutive late nights he has spent in the practice room, neglecting his studies and even his own health for the past two weeks. The moment Y/N cornered him about it, Hoseok broke down and told her everything — how he lacked the motivation to perform well in his recitals and how his course adviser told him to pull his shit together before he fucks up the nearing international dance competition.

“She told me that I’m dating you right now but why can’t I even pull my shit together like you do. That she doesn’t understand why you’re even dating me when you can date far more competent guys. That sooner or later, you’re going to break up with me. Because,” Hoseok sighs and smiles, but it doesn’t reach his cheeks, a tear slipping down them instead, “look at me. I’m so sloppy. I’m such a loser—”

“No, you’re not!” Y/N interrupts him and Hoseok jolts. “You…you’re not a loser. Sloppy, yes, sometimes,” Hoseok winces and Y/N grabs his arms and pulls him toward her so she can hug him tight. “Hoseok, listen to me. I’m your lover. No one else’s but yours. I love you and I will not leave you. I do not care about other guys, if they are more competent or whatever. After all, competency is just a social construct designed to promote the societal standards that aim for conformity.” Y/N disentangles herself from him to cup his face in her hands. “Hoseok, you are not a loser. And, you’ll never be.  How can you be at least an inch of one? You were the one who led countless competitions which won our university so many awards. Almost ALL the trophies in our campus’ Hall of Honor were all thanks to you. You were the one who helped our fashion design majors  grab an opportunity with various labels after your runway a year ago became viral. You were also the one responsible for resurrecting countless dead orgs with actually good goals. They even received rewards from the local government because of the projects you arranged! You’re not a loser, Hobi. In fact, you are the opposite of loser. It’s just your prof is an ungrateful bitch, demeaning you like that when you’ve brought glory to her name as your program adviser. What a fucking asshole, I could have punched her in the face and—”

Hoseok detaches his lips from hers and smiles. “I can’t believe I’m starting to rub off of you. You just said your first curse word. Two even!”

“Damn you, Hoseok. I’m being serious.”

“And so am I. Thank you for cheering me up, Y/N. This is why I love you so much!”

              Hoseok has always been honest to Y/N and she decides it’s only right for her to do the same.

              Y/N looks up at him. “Nayeon, Sungyoon, and…Sara cornered me yesterday and I thought it will be about what you are recently up to. Why you were absent at yesterday’s practice. It turned out they did this high school toxic open-forum-like session where they told me all my shits and why I shouldn’t hang out you. They said you were no longer the Hoseok you used to be because I kept dragging you down. That I…do not deserve you and you should be with girls like you. And you know what, I thought so, too. Because, you have far better things ahead from you than tying you down here with me.”

              “No one can tell what you deserve or not, Y/N,” Hoseok retorts. “Only you can. And, I know what you are thinking right now maybe the opposite of what you really think about yourself. But if I could help, I think you totally deserve me. Even more than that, honestly. Because, Y/N, you are not tying me down anywhere.  In fact you are tying me up. Not literally but figuratively. Okay” Hoseok closes his eyes, “I know it doesn’t make sense—whatever I say doesn’t make sense on the regular basis, so what’s the difference—but, what I mean to say is, Y/N, you are keeping me afloat. You are keeping my head up from the expectations and shitstorms that is plaguing me. You are helping me stay alive and keep pushing through all the difficulties I face. And for that, I am eternally grateful for you. So,” Hoseok smiles, “do not let anything anyone else says about us get to you. Because, they don’t really know anything about me and they very much don’t know anything about you. They don’t get to judge. Not when they do not know how it feels to have the most amazing angel by your side.”

              Y/N scrunches her face at him but she hugs him tight nevertheless. “Must you always be this cheesy and cringey?”

              “Only for you, baby,” Y/N could feel Hoseok grin from the top of her head. “Also, I’m gonna have a talk with those girls so expect apologies coming your way. And if things go the other way,” Hoseok clicks his tongue, “expect a decrease in my friends.”

              However, everything Hoseok spouted is easier said than done. Because truth be told, Hoseok thinks it is him who actually doesn’t deserve Y/N. She is intelligent but so is she kind. She’s mature and it is usually her who does most of the helping and progressing in their relationship. Most of all, it is more realistic to say, Y/N is the one who has far greater things ahead than him. And it became clearer to him the night she took him with her to her family’s home for one of her parents’ parties.

              Y/N countlessly told Hoseok she didn’t need to attend it. She even highly advised him not to come with her. But Hoseok has forever been stubborn so of course when he told Y/N he wanted to meet her family, he did every bit of convincing that get him to where he is now — shaken and lost in the middle of a fucking science exhibit of a party. The night actually started out well.  He introduced himself to every member of the L/N family, even distant ones who stayed in the farthest, most unnoticeable corners of Y/N’s house. Y/N’s family members welcomed him with smiles and actively talked with him. Her parents even handed him his plate of food themselves and invited him to spend Christmas with them.

              It only started going downhill when it was time for the main event of the party—the what-have-you-been-up-to lately segment or what Y/N would like to call the “let the best bragger win.” Everyone started spewing their achievements for the year in a fashion that challenges the other party to disclose their far greater successes. Which, ultimately, insult the others for their lack of any. The party felt as if it was a battlefield with every member of Y/N’s family pitting their achievements against each other, no matter what context they are in—even if they are not of the same category to even compare. Next thing Hoseok knew, he was being dragged into the center of the conversation, with Y/N’s father asking him to tell his “revolutionary thoughts.”

              Hoseok tried his best. He really did. He had recalled every lesson he learned in his Science-related GEs and even tried to apply them in the academic journals he saw Y/N reading. That’s why he doesn’t understand why every single time he opens his mouth, Y/N’s entire family is laughing at him. Is the Dual Nucleus Association found in fingerprints that funny? Hoseok didn’t take too long to ponder on it, for the next second, a hand is pulling him to the front doors of the L/N house. It takes another second for Hoseok to register Y/N was the one who’s dragging him onto the street in angry stomps.

              “Y/N! Why did we go out?” Hoseok pulls on her arm, “We have to come back! It will be rude to your parents! I don’t want to leave a bad impression y’know–”

              “It doesn’t matter, Hoseok!” Y/N whirls around, distraught, and Hoseok only notices just now her glazed eyes. Y/N chokes out, “Leaving an impression on them doesn’t matter because we have to get out NOW.”

              “What? No, Y/N! That’s not appropriate! I–”

              “Then is it appropriate for my parents and relatives’ to blatantly insult you right in your face?”

                 Hoseok takes a step back, “What? But they were laughing at me there. I guess my jokes are–”

                 “Hoseok, they were mocking you in there. We both hell know the fingerprint DNA trivia you were telling them is not a joke.”

                “But your father said the Dual Nucleus Association I muttered was revolutionary and funny.”

                Y/N closes her eyes as she releases a staggered sigh, “Hoseok, ‘revolutionary’ in my father’s dictionary meant ‘stupid.’” Hoseok scrunches his brows and Y/N breathes out, wishing she could let out as well the aggravation and loathing for her parents she has kept inside for so long. “He was making fun of you, Hobi. DNA does not stand for Dual Nucleus Association. It’s Deoxyribonucleic Acid. My father fucking knew what this means because he took a PhD in Microbiology and he didn’t even have the heart to correct you. He even put you up in front of everybody else and humiliate you without you even noticing it.”

                “W-what?”

                Y/N sighs for the nth time as she reaches for his hands. “Hoseok, I’m sorry I left you alone. This whole time, I didn’t know you were in my father’s care. It’s just that my cousin came to me and asked desperately for help about the verbal abuse he experiences at home. The way he asked for my help, I knew he’s about to-to blow up sooner or later. So I immediately went to his aid. And I guess I got so preoccupied trying to make him calm without triggering his panic attacks that I…did not see where you stayed in the party. Worse, I didn't fucking even know you were with my parents. I know this is not enough of an excuse and I have been a shitty girlfriend tonight. So I’m sorry, Hoseok. I’m deeply so so sorry. And right now, I’m trying to make up for my mistakes by telling you we should leave. Now. I cannot let any of them insult you more,” Y/N’s voice breaks and she raises her hand to wipe a tear that has cascaded down her cheeks, “I cannot, Hoseok, for so help me God, I will march over there and declare I want to denounce myself as a L/N.”

                Hoseok doesn’t reply. He just nods at her and looks down at his feet. Y/N gulps down the anxiety building up in her larynx as she leads the two of them to the car he rented. She opts for the driver’s seat and hits the gas. Within minutes, the two of them are enveloped by the silent nightscape, a stark contrast to the cacophony of pride in her house.

                “Hoseok,” the man turns to the sound of Y/N’s voice. “W-what else did my father say to you?”

                Hoseok starts to fumble with the loose thread of his navy suit jacket. “Do you…really want to hear it?”

                “Is it that bad?”

                “Well, I-your dad questioned my ability to provide for you in the future. Because of my major and aspirations and all.”

                Y/N turns to him, aghast, “What?! Why would he even say that? What, he started to forget women’s abilities to revert back to the traditional patriarchal views?! Fuck him!”

                “I knew you would say that,” Hoseok says, chuckling softly. Y/N faces him again, this time perplexed as to why he is laughing. Hoseok reads her look and he clears his throat.

                “When you told me I was being insulted in the party, I will admit I am offended. But, before that, during an earlier talk with your father, I was not the least bit upset.” Hoseok meets your eyes. “That time, I was scared. Immensely shit-scared.”

                “I should have come to you first, not my cousin–”

                “No, let me finish first.” Hoseok purses his lips. He then looks out of the car window, at the scarce stars on the sky. “I knew we are far apart from each other. It was obvious even before we got together. Hell, I do not even get the memes you send to me when we first started out as friends. Sometimes, I even get insecure that even if you are not really bestfriends with Namjoon, he seems to get everything you tell me you found at the lab. Just by listening to our conversations, he understands them all. So effortlessly at that. I even have to plead him to tutor me and dumb-translate the science-y things you tell me, while I dry my brains out trying to understand them. But when I talked with your father, tonight, how he reiterated your status and skills and their difference from mine…I have never been this scared in my life.   Scared that what he said will come true—that you will realize how someone like me can never truly understand you ‘til the long run. That you will get tired of slowing your pace down for me…That you will eventually find someone more compatible with you–who also has a much more stable future ahead of just an aspiring dancer.” Hoseok turns toY/N and he reaches out for her left hand, her free hand. He clasps them in his hands and looks up at her, “But, I swear Y/N, I promise I will do my best. Your father may not be convinced but I want you to know. That I will do my best for you, Y/N. I will learn more for you. I will understand you more. I will improve my reputation into a much more respectable one. Hell, I can quit dance if I have to.”

              Y/N gives Hoseok a pained look. “No, Hoseok, you will not quit dance. I do not want you to quit dance. It will be too unfair for you and I know you will regret it.”

              Hoseok sighs and shakes his head. “Yeah…that sounds easier said than done.”

              “You don’t have to do those things for me,” Y/N squeezes his hand, making him look back to her. “I actually enjoy helping you learn. I love that you goof off the way you want because when you do that, I am reminded people like you still exist today — people who are not afraid of being themselves. Because of that, you inspire me to live more. I also love that you put in the time learning the things I’m saying because it means you genuinely are interested about my thoughts and you are not afraid of women being smarter than you — something most guys fail at. But that’s because most of them are misogynistic, prideful men on their high horses. And, I know you’re not like that. Most of all, I love it when you dance. Because through it you freely express every bit of your emotion. Because, you’re transparent, Hoseok. You’re an open book and I like it the best because you don’t leave me hanging, confused, troubled, and worried about what you’re feeling, especially when you know I am already bad at reading emotions. You are my stable ground, Hoseok. You make me feel safe. And despite the bad fights we’ve been through, I know you’re always doing your best. How can we stay this long if not for you being the brighter one between us when it comes to communicating, knowing that splitting because of things that can be solved will only result in one hell of a horrible mistake?” Y/N turns to Hoseok and he looks at her with his mouth agape, eyes blown wide. She smiles at this. “You have to know you’re more than enough, Hoseok. Like you said,” her smile grows wider, “no one can tell us what we deserve or not but ourselves. And with this, I know and feel that I deserve you, Hoseok. And you, me. What do you say?”

              Hoseok’s response to that was not of a verbal one but a physical one—one that involved a feverish kiss on Y/N’s lips, and her jawline that led Y/N to park the car by the empty gasoline station. Feather-light kisses, desperate hands to grab each other as close as they can be to each other, Y/N indulges in Hoseok and him in her in a passionate love that burned so bright it rivals the sun. The only words that transpire during that fateful night was “I love you’s” and for Y/N and Hoseok, they are more than enough of an anchor of him to her and her to him as waves of obstacles come in your way.

              All of these moments with Y/N have accumulated into Hoseok’s most wonderful memories in his life. And he still replays them in his head as another year of being her lover passes. Of course, problems never failed to arise as they manage their relationship. But, the ones caused by the comments of everyone in the university have lessened as Y/N and Hoseok have now graduated. Hoseok has left the university after he graduated, while Y/N stayed in the university as she applied for a Master’s degree in civil engineering. 

             Y/N still lives in her dorm for the convenience of teaching in the campus and studying after work. Meanwhile, Hoseok lived in an apartment in the city, close to the prestigious dance studio he works at. Their schedules are most often than not, amiss, and the distance between them can be sometimes frustrating. However, what remains the biggest obstacle is everyone’s opinions about the two of them. Sure, they were not as restrictive as what the two of them have experienced in the university. But it didn’t mean it hurt less when people say how they never thought someone as fun as Hoseok will choose someone so boring like Y/N, or how Hoseok’s intellect was a down-grader for her respectable reputation, saying she has a tasteless choice in choosing partners. Although these problems may get a little overwhelming, the two of them never let them get in between their relationship. 

              Hence, Y/N and Hoseok are still madly in love like the first year they have started dating. So in love that Hoseok felt it is now the time to propose to Y/N. For anymore day without her officially bounded with him, when you already own every piece of his heart, is something Hoseok cannot take any longer. He wants Y/N to be his partner for the years to come, his significant other for forever, and the only person he wakes up to and sees last in his day and nights for the rest of his entire life. Hoseok knows this and he has never been surer in his life.

              This is the reason why Hoseok is where he is today: clad in an ugly Christmas sweater and mismatched socks, with a troubled look on his face. Hoseok may have only realized he wanted to marry Y/N in late November, but he was able to make an intricate proposal plan to execute before this year can end. Today is Y/N’s free day and he has classes that have ended early. Lucky for him, Jimin is free to take her out for some last-minute gift-shopping in the afternoon so Hoseok can have ample time to decorate Y/N’s dorm with hearts and diagrams of the hypothalamus (because “No, Hoseok, we do not say I love you from the deepest corner of my heart, but from the hypothalamus. We do not feel from the heart. It just pumps us blood”).  Hoseok will have the gifts he bought for Y/N delivered that very same day to complete his decorations (and to also spoil her even more). He will cook Y/N her favorite dishes and make her hot cocoa even though he very much likes eggnog more, just because she likes the sweet chocolate beverage. He even requested his orchestra friends Yoongi, Jinyoung, Seokjin, and Sandeul, to play Jingle Bell Rock (“in cursive”) on the far side of the hallway so when Jimin drops Y/N off, she can have her favorite Christmas song as her background music when she steps inside her room and gets surprised.

              That is why when his heart and hypothalamus decorations actually looked shit, the arrival of the gifts was delayed ‘til tomorrow, and the meals he cooked looked inedible—not to say the hot choco looked like a mess too and totally un-aesthetic—Hoseok finds himself frozen in his place next to Y/N’s Christmas tree, looking as if he was constipated for ten days. Worse, his girlfriend is already standing by her door frame, kicking the door close like it was just any other day. 

              Y/N hangs her coat on the hanger and puts her shopping bags on top of her wide cabinet. She nonchalantly glances at him, “Hoseok, what are you doing there?”

              Hoseok feels sweat run down his face in waterfalls. If Y/N is surprised he was standing stupidly next to her tree, she did not show it. But right now, Hoseok’s concern is her seeing the decorations he made chucked in a large paper bag he hid behind the tree at the last minute. Of course, it is poorly hidden. He plays with the collar of his sweater “I…um, I–”

              “Nevermind. I guess this is one of our spontaneous date nights you ironically always plan. You should inform me next time, you know, so I can prepare for you as well,” Y/N smiles at him. “Come sit with me.” She walks to the sofa by the Christmas tree and pats the seat next to her. Hoseok scrambles to sit beside her and tries not to look like the dumbest fool in the world. Y/N did not get surprised, the orchestra’s music is barely heard inside as the cold wind of early winter overrides it, and he looks totally shit. How can he propose to her now, huh? All of his plans are ruined!

              “Di-did you eat already?” Hoseok asks, hands sweaty on his sweatpants. “I made you your favorite.”

              “Umm…yeah,” Y/N bites her lip, guilty. “I was already hungry before Jimin and I can finish our shopping and I really felt a great need to devour some pizza today.” She reaches for her small satchel and produces a folded paper bag. “I saved some for you. We can eat it later while we watch Netflix.”

              “O-okay,” Hoseok nervously laughs. His eyes land on the pink mug on the dining table. He looks back at Y/N, “D-do you want to drink something? I made you hot cocoa.”

              “Ooh, I’ll drink it later. I just had a sweet choco milkshake before I got here,” Y/N bites her lips again in guilt. “I’m sorry, Hoseok, I didn’t know you prepared these stuff for me. If I had known sooner I would have never even stepped out of my dorm today.”

              “It’s okay,” Hoseok pulls a smile and he tries not to look a tad bit upset about the failure of his plans, because he knows Y/N will immediately recognize that look.

              And, he wasn’t wrong. “Why, Hobi?” Y/N cups his face to make him turn to her, “did I do something wrong?

              “No,” Hoseok looks away. “It’s just, my plans…didn’t work out today.”

              “What plans?”

              Hoseok immediately feels his ass on fire. Did he just almost give himself away? He cannot just blurt out he wants to marry her! He wanted it to be special and he cannot have that happen in just her dorm with his shitty-looking outfit and almost-burned food. He wants Y/N to remember this day and he ain’t taking the risk of letting any bad memories mess up his proposal. And so, Hoseok sighs and decides he has to abort the plan and schedule it some other day. He’s just gonna make an excuse for now. “Well, I just thought we can make this random Thursday special y’know? Keep up with the aim of my spontaneous dates–good surprises making life much better without needing a reason to be. So I just made some food and stuff for the fun of it. It’s just a normal day surprise.”

              “Oh, then I’m glad today is really spontaneous dates today. I may have…foiled your plans, but look, I happened to have a surprise for you!”

              Hoseok tilts his head, “What is it?”

              Y/N grins at him before turning around and fumbles for something in her bag. Then the next second, Justin Bieber’s Mistletoe is suddenly blaring loud from her phone.

              “Y/N, did you seriously just play Justin Bieber’s Mistletoe in speaker mode?”

              “Oh, don’t be an in-denial bitch. I know this is your favorite Christmas song. A good song has to create the aesthetic and mood for tonight,” Y/N chuckles, “Here, Hoseok, my present for you.” She hands him a box wrapped in a fancy green sparkling wrapper with a red bow tied around it. It was medium-sized, enough for one of his favorite KAWS models to fit inside.

              “Present?” Hoseok asks, feeling both joy and guilt respectively swell in his heart and pit in his stomach. Joy, because Y/N is to add another model to his growing collection. And guilt, because he didn’t bring her anything worth the same as her gift. But as he tears open the box, another fancy green box just stares back at him. He looks up at Y/N with squinted eyes. “I see what you did there, sneaky missy.”  She just chuckles at him and Hoseok continues to unbox her gift, only to have another box inside. Hoseok wonders what made Y/N think of doing this infamous wrapping technique for her gift when she wasn’t even that much into wrapping gifts. She always just give him gifts in standard wrapping paper, messily taped all over around. Moreover, what even is her gift and how small does it have to be? Because now, Hoseok’s hands are getting tired of unboxing box after box and the gift is now currently the size of a stress ball!

              “Y/N, can you just tell me your gift? I’m getting tired. I can open it tomorrow instead and we can just get straight to Netflix tonight.”

              “No, Hoseok,” Y/N laughs, patting his shoulders. “Keep unboxing.”

              Hoseok continues forth with the unboxing and his heart starts to sink to his stomach as the box got smaller and smaller. This is probably a prank. One to get back at him for telling Y/N last year he bought her her favorite gift for their monito event with Jimin, Taehyung, and Namjoon. Only for him to arrive with nothing but a bow on his head and shamelessly declare to everyone that he is her gift. Nothing must be inside this box to contain a gift so small. The box in his hand is now just the size of a small toy car!

              Hoseok sighs as he opens the box. Another green box will appear and then he’ll see the paper saying “Pranked you, Hobi!”

              But it does not.

              For the box on Hoseok’s hand right now, is gaping open to him right now. And all he sees is a sparkling, silver ring embellished with emeralds that seem to form waves around the base of the band. A fucking ring is sitting right on top of his hand.

              Hoseok gapes and just stares. Far too long that Y/N decides to break the silence. “Surprise! I bought you an engagement ring! With green emeralds just like your favorite color.” She grins at him as she holds Hoseok’s hands in hers, making him turn to her while he stays jaw ajar. 

              Y/N suddenly feels self-conscious and unconfident. This is not the reaction she is expecting. She starts to fear if she’ll spend the coming Holidays boyfriend-less. Just by looking at Hoseok’s stupified face, it looks everything is happening too fast and too sudden tonight for her boyfriend. Nevertheless, she says, “I-I know this may come off as a really big of a surprise. After all, this is an engagement ring and right now I am trying to propose to you. Barely, even. So, of course, this is definitely a shocker. Especially when we only just spent two years dating. Still too early for a proposal to come, as what others will usually expect,” Y/N’s voice breaks. 

              She wrings her hands together, her feet trembling beneath her, and yet, she couldn’t bring herself to stop. “But, Hoseok, in these two years I have spent with you…I learned what it felt like to be loved and be in love with you. We fight, yes. Healthily usual even. But, at the end of the day, everything still feels worth it. And I guess,” Y/N  smiles, “I cannot get enough of it. I cannot get enough of you. Being your girlfriend no longer satisfied me. I now want to be your wife. I want to be the only person you’ll stress over science just to impress. I want to be the person who’ll be your home. The one you will come home to, wake up to, and sleep next to every night, every single day. I want to be your partner-in-crime, especially when we have kids and we’ll play some game I never heard of but will still enjoy in the end just because you like it. But only if you want kids, hehe.” Y/N laughs awkwardly and scratches her nape. “Hoseok, I know I am clumsy in saying my feelings for you. Today is my first time saying everything so honest and raw like this so I know this may shock you. God, you don’t know how many times I practiced this speech in my office. Other professors must already be thinking I’m going crazy—anyway, what I only want to say is,” Y/N reaches for Hoseok’s hand and kisses it. “Hoseok, I want to stay by your side for the rest of my life.” When she looks up at him, she says, “And it will only happen if you’d also love to be by my side forever as well. So what do you say?”

              “W-what, I will say?” Hoseok repeats, still shaken. However, he’s so happy he cannot help the wide grin splitting on his face. “Yes, Y/N, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Forever and ever and ever and ever.”

              “R-really?” Y/N’s releases a relieved sigh, fingers wiping the tears that have formed on her eyes. “T-Then, why did you look like as if you’re about to walk out on me when you opened the box?”

              Hoseok cups her face in his hands, wiping away the tears. “Because you remind me a lot of the Grinch. The only difference is in the end, his heart grows three sizes, but you stay an asshole.” Y/N scowls at this and hits his chest, hard. Hoseok coos at her as he hugs her tight and chuckles, “You’re an asshole because you headed out straight for my heart—hook, line, and sinker — and now I am completely blown away when I was supposed to be the first one to do so. Seriously, Y/N, I did not expect this to happen this way. Not when I also prepared a surprise for you tonight.” 

              Y/N’s brows raise in curiosity. Hoseok unzips his gym bag on the sofa and turns back to her, now with a red velvet box on his hands. 

              Hoseok pops open the box, a ring of the same design as the one she bought him stares back at her. But this one, instead of green emeralds, is embellished with blue emeralds, her favorite color.  Right then and there, Y/N wanted to cry.

              Hoseok rubs his nape. “I’m supposed to propose to you tonight as well. But you beat me right to it and now I forgot my speech.”

              Y/N chuckles at that as she wipes away the tears that have formed yet again on her eyes. Hoseok smiles as he squeezes her hand. “But, that doesn’t mean I’ll skip on this once-in-a-lifetime’s opportunity to propose to you,” Hoseok looks at her, “Y/N, I love you. And I know forever can be a heavy word and sometimes love cannot solve every problem that may come our way. But Y/N, what I said two years ago hasn’t changed. I will try my best. For you, I will. And we may be young but I know you and I are capable to make us work for as long as time can let us. Because you are Y/N, and I’m Hoseok. People may be against us but we know with each other, we are the best we can ever be. We deserve each other. We need each other. But most of all, we love each other. That’s all we need. Me and you. You and me.” After he breathes out, Hoseok cups Y/N’s cheeks and she leans forward and interlocks their lips in a soft kiss. 

              Y/N grabs onto Hoseok’s ugly green sweater and deepens the kiss, letting her mouth do the talking for her and him. For no words can be enough to express everything that is settling in their hearts tonight — euphoric bliss, the sweet feeling of triumph. Although Y/N can feel a tinge of the uncertainty of what may come to the two of them in the future grappling on her nerves, there resides in her heart the greater courage that despite the unpredictability of life, Y/N knows she can manage it with the constant she now has by her side — Hoseok. And for him, her. Because, Y/N is certain this is the most right decision she has ever made in her life: loving him. And, Hoseok proves it is the same for him as when the kiss comes into a close, he whispers on her lips, “Guess the déjà vu tonight is really working at its best. Fate really wanted us to be together.”

              Y/N grins at him, her forehead bumping into his, “And where’s your proof, future Mr. Y/N L/N?”

              Hoseok presses a kiss on Y/N’s forehead, on her cheeks, on her nose, then at the corner of her ear. He whispers, “Look outside.”

              And there outside, white droplets fall from the sky, lighting up the near-black horizon while frosting up the window panes. It is the first snow. Y/N smiles. What Hoseok said to her when she reciprocated his love confession doesn’t seem so preposterous now. It seems like fate really tied the two of them up together as she first met and started dating Hoseok when the first snow fell. There’s a saying that whoever you’re with during the first snow, you will be with that person for a long time. Y/N and Hoseok have already been living proof of that for being together in three years—friendship plus dating days combined — amidst whatever people say against them two. 

              And Y/N hopes, that as she and Hoseok promise forever to each other tonight, the saying will come true. Because she wants the two of them to be together for a very, very, very long time.  After all, Hoseok is right. She is  Y/N and he is Hoseok and together, they are the best they can ever be, titles and achievements be damned. The weather may be cold during these pinnacle moments of her and his relationship but their hearts are warm and cozy, and there is nothing more Y/N could ask for.

Epilogue:

“You know, Y/N, my original proposal was beautiful, I’m sure I’ll have you bawling tonight.”

Y/N gives him a look and Hoseok laughs, “Good thing they’re gone now. D’you know I actually wrote my entire proposal in my hands? They just got erased because my hands have become so sweaty when I chucked away the decorations I made for you.”

“What decorations?”

Hoseok pulls on the collar of his sweater, “Cut-outs of hearts and hypothalamus?”

“R-really? You remembered what I said to you three years ago?”

“Of course, babe,”Hoseok smiles, “It’s you. How can I forget that? But they’re not available anymore as I already threw them away. They looked like shit.”

“Where did you throw them?”

“In a paper bag….by your Christmas tree–hey, why are you picking it up?”

Y/N turns towards him, smiling, her hands gently holding the crushed hearts and hypothalamus cut-outs. “Because you made it for me, Hoseok. Of course they hold value to me. It’s you.”

“You’re really a Grinch, you know? You’re making me cry with your sweetness and beauty when I should be jumping up and down with joy right now.”

“….Do you always have to be cheesy like this?”

“Only for you, babe. And get used to it. You have a forever to experience this one-in-a-million love from the one and only Jung Hoseok.”

A/N pt. 2 | Hi hons! Sorry my Christmas gift for you all was late! My requirement deadlines in uni ended up until Dec. 16 and so for the majority of December, I was solely focused on uni stuff. I tried limiting myself from using page breakers in this fic, a challenge I put on myself to train my skills again in doing transitions in my writing. This story is inspired by the rivalry of science and art majors in our uni in my first year! Also! I hoped you guys appreciate my take on @kwritersworld’s prompt. I want to incorporate it in a very unexpected way, while at the same time, reflects my character in a way I‘ve never done before. OC here is a bit grumpy and lacks social skills to be friendly so I interpreted her as an everyday-Grinch hehe). Lastly, @bts-poetry, I really enjoyed doing mini Q&As with you! I hope you like this gift and I also hope we can talk more in the future!

All Rights Reserved 2019 © Vanaera. Reposts, modifications, and translations of content are not allowed without direct permission.

[autistichalsin]

I can't stress enough how much quality of teacher affects how or if you learn math. Granted, nowadays we are lucky enough to have resources like Khan Academy and others, but if you don't have that available or don't know about it? It's all up to the teacher to make or break you.

I failed remedial algebra the first time I took it because my teacher was awful. I would ask her to explain how she got from a to b on the problem she just did and she's just repeat that she got from a to b. She would use the exact same wording every time. I once literally told her, "explain this to me like I am five years old." She did not explain it like I was five years old.

I failed the class.

I retook it the next term.

I got an A.

Nothing changed. My study methods, the curriculum, the textbook, all of it was the same. The only thing that changed was my teacher.

When I took college algebra, I was again blessed with a good teacher who brought me from barely understanding these concepts to explaining them to my classmates and finishing the class with a strong B. And this was a hard class- it was a semester's worth of information over a summer term, and we met twice a week for two and a half hours at a time. But he was an incredibly gifted teacher and he could explain things a hundred different ways. He would walk you through the problems. Granted, if it took too many times, he'd say to come find him in office hours since we were low on time, but he was absolutely incredible at explaining things in ways tailored to each student's approach.

He was also kind and never once made you feel like an idiot for not understanding. He admitted this stuff was hard and it was normal to be confused. He may have breezed through vector calculus, but he never looked down on us for struggling. And helping preserve our confidence was also key.

To be honest, that experience was not only my favorite math class ever, but one of my favorites, overall, ever.

I majored in anthropology as an undergrad and minored in linguistics, and his math class, over the summer, meeting for two and a half hours a session, was still one of my favorites of all time.

A lot of people in math and the sciences are good mathematicians and scientists, but terrible teachers. It's kinda like that trueism about veterinarians inevitably having great animal skills and zero people skills. Unfortunately, that can make it really hard for people to learn the subject and puts them off it entirely.

I LOATHE “we didn’t need to learn Algebra” people. Believe it or not it’s good for you to know things and engage with different subjects. And it’s highly likely you got an education for free on top of it? Idk I’m getting to a point where now that I’ve been out of school for a sizeable amount of time it’s like. Holy shit I got to be taught and instructed in so many things for FREE? FREE?!?!? And I didn’t have to work?!?!? I still would never relive high school but like. Damn my boomer take is you should be damn grateful you’re getting or have gotten an education.

[galenfm]

          ·ﾟ☀ i am already so tired of myself and i have class soon aGAIN ........ ugh well again , i am teddy , a she / her pronoun user and current mun to two muses in this delightful shining star of a group ! i now present galen , my newest gaming gf creation who just wants everyone to fucking include each other ! my preferred plotting method is via discord over at 𝐤𝐲𝐨𝐬𝐡𝐢 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐫 !#6439 , i’ll make a plotting call there and i’ll reach out to everyone who likes this !

      *       read   all   about   galen sorenson ,   otherwise   affectionately  nicknamed   the champ.   the   twenty - one  year  old  gamer  and  blossoming  actress  is   widely   known   for   being   uninhibited,   magnanimous,   self - deprecating,   capricious   and   recently   made   headlines   when   they   allegedly   dropped a sponsor due to their support of autism speaks .   apparently   judas   claims   to   be   sitting   on   an   even   bigger  story   involving   them   -   whatever   the   truth   may   be,   i'm   sure   it   won't   stay   hidden   for   long.   &    a screaming laugh following a jumpscare waking the whole house , overthinking an interaction hours after it’s passed , a childhood spent begging to be read the ugly duckling and lingering on every word , neurodiversity stickers pasted all over a gaming pc. ◜   ⭒  ic:   alisha boe.   cis woman.   she / her.    

BIO : mohammed and karina sorenson have never been a conventional pair . to start , they meet when he , the biggest male model of the 80′s , is hired to walk for her winter collection , being one of europe’s top knitwear designers who never seems to go out of style . he’s eccentric and as magnetic as can be , she’s demure and has never said a word regarding anything but her work . they don’t make sense , but they’re married two years in secret before finally making their relationship known . mohammed , progressive and independent minded despite his traditional somali family , takes her last name and relocates to norway , where karina gives birth to a stunning baby girl that steals the hearts of the eu as the tabloids go crazy over her . 

elissa is nearly 18 when her mother has the news to shock a nation : she’s miraculously pregnant , once more , far enough along that she intends to keep the baby despite both her and mohammed being into their 40′s . karina , having named their first baby , gives the reigns over to mo for their second child , but isn’t too happy with his pick

galen literally translates to mad , to incorrect , she argues , elissa firmly on her side

it gives her a chance to choose her own path . it gives her something to make for herself , mohammed counters , and that ends that .

galen is born in olso and is every bit as precious as her sister , now old enough to even potentially be her mother . her parents , busy with their ventures but over the moon to have a new baby in the house , raise her for her first few years in a small norwegian town to shield her from the prying eyes of the public

mohammed is first to notice that she doesn’t respond to her name or seem interested in looking at him , keeping her focus on whatever toy catches her eye for the day . he and karina write it off when she doesn’t hit her talking milestones or hold crayons the way other toddlers do , or figure she’s just an introvert when her preschool teacher mentions she doesn’t enjoy playing with the other kids during free time

they can’t ignore it any longer when she hits grade school , instantly falling behind with the rigorous private school pace and eventually warranting a visit from the school psychologist . she remembers the worry that paints her parents weathered faces when , at six years old , she’s given a laundry list of diagnoses and recommended for “ alternate ” schooling

something about the way her teachers treat her , so broken and unworthy of respect , makes her shut down , regressing with any progress she had shown and really refusing to cooperate with most adults she comes by . elissa is a budding starlet taking weekends off from film roles to spend time with her little sister , knowing that behind the quiet dark eyes of the child who wouldn’t look at you was a bright mind teeming with unsaid thoughts

her parents go to all ends to hire her private tutors and special therapists , which help her keep up at grade level . she’s in middle school when her science teacher , noting galen’s aptitude on exams and incredible recall , says she may fare better in an american school , recommending one he knows will accept a prestigious line such as the sorensons . 

she moves to pennsylvania at 12 and the change is hard . she again regresses and suffers at the hands of her peers at the private catholic school she attends , her parents reaching a level of despair thinking they’ve failed their daughter , unable to get her the help she deserves despite their best attempts . galen , sick of being deemed the broken doll , seeks out an escape from the world to try and give her some reprieve from the constant pity she wishes she could express is only doing more harm than good

she likes makeup but sucks at it , enjoys art but can’t seem to draw for the life of her . she knows she’s tone deaf as all hell and doesn’t like sweating enough to be willing to dance . for once in her life , despite all the years of trying to ignore the well - meaning comments of those around her , galen starts to believe maybe there is something wrong about her .

it’s elissa’s celeb boyfriend who buys her an xbox for christmas , figuring the two could play it as a bonding experience . brimming with quiet gratitude , galen spends hours on the damn thing in between study sessions . tutors notice an improvement in focus , more motivation to work and get things done so she can finally hop back onto the console and escape into a fantasy .

she begs her parents to let her do homeschooling for her high school years , to which they agree and she thrives . she upgrades now to a gaming pc and plays through everything she can get her hands on . people on her teams don’t know her , and they don’t treat her any differently than anyone else , so before long she’s unlocking a bubblier side to herself that just feels content .

she records her playthroughs in silence ( she’s gaining confidence , but still shy , and god knows how the internet treats female gamers ) and uploads them to youtube under a stupid channel name with only a few hundred subscribers . noting the accuracy and speed with which galen destroys shooter games , someone suggests she try overwatch .

galen is hooked in an instant . she plays matches in between daily activities and quickly climbs ranks to becoming a force to be reckoned with in the competitive community . after finding a team where she feels particularly at - home , they launch to stardom due to their sweeping wins and incredible cohesion . galen becomes something of an overnight sensation , quiet and unassuming , and this recognition feels like the validation she’s been seeking for herself this whole time

she blossoms and cements her legacy as an overwatch competitive titan by the time she graduates , reaching grandmaster status and being known throughout the community for her strategy and technique . her youtube channel grows exponentially , and after realizing this is a viable future for herself , galen posts her playthroughs with her commentary and finds that people love what she does . she moves to new york in order to collaborate with other big gamers , and on her channel , she does a combination of horror games , overwatch trainings , and new release reviews and builds a following similar to markiplier or jackseptic eye , with a second vlog channel to document when she goes off to tournaments or simple things from her days

she’s 19 when her repeated wins get the attention of a massive gaming studio who invite her to come record some lines as an easter egg of sorts for her fans in a new game they’re developing . her work is met with rave reviews and suddenly game titans are nearly breaking down her door for more voice acting work . galen , who’s always felt like the ugly duckling compared to her sister’s perfect legacy , takes this opportunity to emulate her sister’s career , and nearly doubles over when a film studio approaches her with interest of casting her as a supporting role in a project of theirs . though she’s never pictured herself to be in front of a camera quite like that , with some coaching , galen nails it , and finds the high of acting catapults her from relative fame into newfound stardom .

she’s one of the newer members of the brat pack considering her youtube fame was more inconspicuous than her film work , though she still is adjusting to life in the limelight . she stays close to her roots and continues to post regularly to her channel and streams on twitch , collaborating with other increasingly big names to gain her more views . 

galen’s most notable push since rising to fame has been her advocacy for neurodiversity and recognition for how poorly people with learning disabilities are treated in society . she doesn’t go in detail with her diagnoses but she does make jokes about them on her stream in order to normalize their mentions . she recently dropped a sponsor for their support of autism speaks and donates a majority of her merch revenue and tournament winnings to advocacy causes . she’s proud of who she is and hopes the future can be shaped into what kids like her needed when they were growing up .

galen lives up to her father’s prediction this whole time and changes her channel’s name to galengaming , proud to tout the moniker that spurred her to create a path she wanted rather than be told who to be by the world around her . 

PERSONALITY : galen has an energy about her that is like the sun hidden behind a cloud . upon first impressions , she’s a bit more timorous and nervous as she gets her footing of wherever she may be , especially with some of the more public - eye type settings she’s been put in since sort of being sucked into the brat pack . she wants to make sure she’s acting appropriately for whatever the situation calls and may often seem tense or apprehensive .

once she’s loosened up or seen a familiar face she can latch onto , she blossoms into a ball of unfiltered energy . she loves humor and memes and can often be found competitively launching memes she’s found into her team’s group discord server . she’s witty and often makes herself the butt of her own jokes in order to lighten the mood , though she’ll be sure to clarify that she loves herself and only does so to keep herself humble lmao . 

her playthroughs are VERY stream of consciousness but its this lack of filter that seems to be her fans’ favorite thing about her , a willingness to say whatever unhinged thing she may be thinking followed by a shrieking scream after a jumpscare or a string of screeching expletives after missing a goal

she can perhaps sometimes be too unfiltered and unwittingly come across as harsh or blunt , though she’ll often realize this after the fact and feel incredibly remorseful . galen has a habit to overthink and will panic for the rest of the night if she fears she’s inadvertently offended you , but won’t apologize due to being too nervous to figure out exactly how to do so ssksksks

one of galen’s most notable qualities is her heart , her benevolence and empathy that lead her to want everyone to feel included regardless of how different they may be . though she tries to give everyone a chance , there’s a fair amount of people perhaps too materialistic for her to get along with , and her polite way to ignore them is simply keeping her distance and pretending to not know them

which . in her own way . comes across as shady sksksk “oh you know so and so ? ” omg no i dont haha who are they “ u literally met them last night ” hahaha no i didnt x

she can be prone to mood swings simply due to a sensitivity to her own feelings and a tendency to overthink . she’ll wonder why she feels weird and even if it’s just because she’s hungry she’ll assume it’s because she said “thanks you too” when the cashier told her to enjoy her meal and then she has to sulk and play animal crossing alone in the dark for an hour before she can come out and be chill again even tho she feels worse than when she started bc shes just HUNGRY ASKSKKS

she’s used to being infantilized so she tends to be sort of short tempered if people talk down to her . this is when the wit kicks in as she is really just tired of being treated poorly by people who don’t even know her and has decided she will refuse to take any more shit ! can be a bit snippy even without realizing it but if she’s close to you she’ll usually be like “ oh my god that was rude as fuck im so sorry ” and feel bad for 20 minutes even after you say its okay lmaoo

random blurbs : um DONT ask me who she plays in her overwatch tournaments bc im using opossum and wikipedia to figure shit out as i goes , but i know for sure she calls out a lot of misogyny in the gaming world on social media !

always has her switch with her i KNOW this for a fact

anime nerd ....... nobody call her out on it she will deny until she is blue in the face and then hum the one punch man intro in her streams as if hundreds of thousands of people arent witnesses LMAO

this is so stereotypical nerd but she hates the outdoors ! says the US is so dirty and stuffy she says scandanavia is the only place she’ll ever like to be outside , she slips into norwegian when she’s recording if she gets jumpscared so she doesnt get demonetized for over - swearing lmao

also speaks french because she picked it up from her mom ! her dad usually only spoke english or norwegian , so galen didn’t get to pick up on much somali or arabic but she def knows at least a few words here and there

she vlogs a good amount of her life but she’s kinda shy about talking about who she’s dating , will probably try to keep her romantic life to herself !

excited as all hell to get into acting but the super fame that’s coming with it kinda freaks her out . she knows it’s a trade off bc she loves the feeling it gives her but hates how people are now overstepping a lot of boundaries that they didn’t before when she was just a popular youtuber

inspos are juno from the iconic movie juno , toph beifong from atla , louis theroux YES THE DOCUMENTARY GUY LEAF ME AL ONE , & amy from booksmart !

[koala-otter]

the teacher and the scientist au: worldbuilding

I am writing some original stuff right now, and as a break where I can keep writing, I’m going to explain some of my worldbuilding/choices that I make when it comes to my modern “the teacher and the scientist” AU. The hope is that it will be fun for others to see what goes into a fic, or give people ideas for their own fics!

*a quick note: I am a white Latina! I have no East Asian heritage! I studied for a while in Beijing and speak Mandarin Chinese fluently, so I kind of defer to my experiences there when making worldbuilding choices in fic (because I believe strongly in writing what you know, especially given the damage you might cause by writing what you don’t know), but will also do research online or through friends on other countries and cultures that inspired the four nations in ATLA. But all of this is just to say that while I do put a lot of thought into this stuff, I am by no means the authority on any of it, and I am open to criticism and of course always want to make sure I’m not doing anything harmful with my writing. I promise to listen and adapt if you approach me about literally anything in my fic or in this post.

Ok now let’s get into it!

1. The setting: Ba Sing Se’s Natural History Museum This is based on a combination of the Beijing Museum of Natural History, the American Natural History Museum in New York, and Beijing’s Forbidden City/Gugong. Beijing I think is probably the biggest inspiration for Ba Sing Se with the ring system and centering of the palace (and I mean the Earth King’s palace is pretty directly based off of Tiananmen Square), so it seems like a pretty solid model for a modern Ba Sing Se to me.

2. The field trip I went on so many field trips to the Natural History Museum when I was little, and they were always the absolute most fun of the year. And I feel like we went to the planetarium basically every time? It was kind of fun to recall and try to capture the experience of being a little kid on this trip in this fic

3. The Lower Ring & the Middle Ring I put Zuko and his students as coming from the Lower Ring for a few reasons. Firstly, I couldn’t imagine Katara and Aang living in either the financial district that is the Middle Ring or the ostentatiousness of the Upper Ring. I think if they were in Ba Sing Se they’d work and raise their family in the Lower Ring (I will be getting into their jobs in later installments of this story, so I won’t explain them here!), which means Bumi goes to school in the Lower Ring, which then means Zuko has to work there in order to be his teacher and for this entire concept to work out (and also the reasons explained in the actual fic where he lived there with Iroh and wants to give back). And the museum is in the Middle Ring because I wanted it connected to the university, which canonically is in Ba Sing Se’s Middle Ring.

4. Sokka as an astrophysicist Because Sokka is a smart kid and a huge science nerd, okay??? And Yue and the space sword. It makes sense. Also, because Ba Sing Se = ATLA’s Beijing, I think of Ba Sing Se University as Beida （北大）or Peking University, which is China’s first national university and one of the most, if not the most, selective university in the country (disclaimer: I did not study at Beida!!). But yeah BSSU is the Earth Kingdom’s most illustrious university and one of the best research institutions in the world, and Sokka’s a tenured professor there. My boy’s world-class brilliant.

5. “Teacher Zuko” Ughhh I really struggled with this. Basically, I was taught in learning Chinese to address teachers as “Surname 老师 (lao3shi1),” which is “Surname Teacher.” But! I didn’t want to give Zuko a surname, because that seemed rife with opportunities for missteps (there’s a lot that goes into surnames of literally any country or culture, from geography to family history and occupations, and I didn’t want to co-opt anything that wasn’t mine to use). So I knew the kids would call him by his first name. But “Zuko Teacher” sounded off. And in Chinese, titles like Mr. or Miss or Mrs. go after one’s surname, while in English it’s the opposite, so I figured for this fic it was appropriate to implement the English convention. So! “Teacher Zuko.”

6. Sokka’s appearance Sokka’s one of those hot, young professors that appear only in popular media, or once in a blue moon. He finds out from Katara that white sneakers are an easy way to look in the fashion know while remaining marginally professional for class, and they become a staple of his uniform. I picture him in Stan Smiths. (And of course they’re a little beaten up! It’s Sokka!)

7. The gaang’s ages Okay, so, I can’t find the actual post where this is broken down, but I think canonically it makes sense that Katara and Aang were 22 and 20, respectively, when Bumi was born. I put them in this fic at being maybe a year or two older in this fic, so let’s say 23 and 21, when they have Bumi, in Katara’s second year of med school. So when this fic takes place, as Bumi is six years old, they are 29 and 27, and Sokka and Zuko are then 30 and 31.

oh my god we’re only 700 words into a 4,000-word fic why did I decide to do this to myself

8. Sokka looking at his watch and having a penchant for exact minutes He’s a master scheduler. That’s it. 

9. “My Uncle Mushi lives in Chin City” This was just kind of an opportunity to integrate more from the ATLA universe! Obvi “Mushi” is Iroh’s refugee alias, but whatever another kid can have it, and yeah Chin City is that terrible village with all of those wacky people from “Avatar Day.” So we know the kid’s uncle is wacky. Fat chance of going on a field trip to visit him.

10. Zuko calling Bumi talented There’s that scene in the episode where they go to the Sun Warriors that Zuko calls Aang “a talented kid.” Bumi’s Aang’s son, so I figure by the transitive property Zuko would describe him the same way.

11. Zuko’s scar  I don’t know why but I often forget to mention Zuko’s scar in other fics! Either way, I find kids usually respond to people’s differences better than most adults do. Kids just see things and comment on them, which, yeah, can be rude by societal standards, but I’d imagine it would be very refreshing for Zuko after going much of his life with people trying to avoid either staring at the left side of his face or talking about what happened. Also, I didn’t really want to get into the cause of the scar. Obviously Ozai did it. I don’t have an idea of how. Other fics have done that better. Explaining it within the fic the way Zuko would explain it to his class seemed like a good way to tell the reader, “Hey yeah it’s the same cause as in the show,” but then not have to get into it.

12. Sokka hates intro classes Ughhh no one likes intro classes, and I’d imagine it’s even worse for professors. Prerequisites are often too easy for the kids intending on majoring or too hard and meant to weed out the kids who can’t stick with the department’s program. College is funny.

13. Aang volunteers in Zuko’s class From what I can tell, parental involvement in schools is only getting bigger. And Aang is a great dad and I think he’d take any opportunity to get involved with Bumi’s school.

14. Zuko’s backstory I should probably take the time to explain this! Basically I think of this story existing in a universe where after they moved to Ba Sing Se under circumstances comparable to their being refugees in the show, Iroh and Zuko actually stayed in the city, and Zuko got his education there. And yeah! My boy went to BSSU, too!

15. Stargazing at the South Pole and seeing the moon at the North Pole Oh my god the pure amount of thought that went into this. I worked with the assumption that A:TLA takes place on Earth, and that then the rotations of Earth, and the rotation of the moon, are the same as what we experience now (I’ve thought about this extensively, especially as it pertains to the hemispheres and the seasons, but I don’t want to talk about it here, we simply do not have either the time or space). So the South Pole is essentially the same as our Antarctica/South Pole, except that it is capable of sustaining human life for an extended amount of time, and in theory has greater biodiversity (clearly I have also thought about this extensively, but again, we have neither the time nor the space for my theories). I had to read a NASA report on the phases of the moon as seen from the South Pole! And it turns out you can’t see much of the moon down there, and it is always in crescent form. but yeah, you see a lot of stars (but in the opposite rotation of what we see in the Northern Hemisphere), and I thought that was intriguing, especially given the importance of moon imagery throughout the show. Thus, Sokka’s first seeing the moon in the Northern Water Tribe, which ties in perfectly with his meeting Yue, his first love: “You could say the moon was my first love.” (Which someone pointed out in a comment on Ao3, and it absolutely delighted me that they noticed!)

16. Pipsqueak Just looking for more people from the show to serve as first graders in this fic. Someone commented that they pictured him the same size as he was in canon, and I laughed out loud.

17. Tuyanjing I was trying to think of constellations that look like badger-moles, and I honestly just thought, “Ursa Major. Badger-moles look like giant bears.” And “Tuyanjing” (土眼睛) is my own translation of “earth eye,” which was meant to be a nod to the animals’ connection to Toph and their blindness and earthbending. 

18. All the stars & mentioning the Fire Nation & Water Tribe navigation I was initially going to write something in this scene about ancient constructions, like the pyramids, that were built using the constellations, and then create some elaborate metaphor about them and Zukka. But the only coherent thought I had about it was that it was “Too Much Work.” Instead I realized okay sailors always use the stars for navigation, and the Water Tribes and Fire Nation are the only nations we’ve seen with boats, so let’s go for that, and it works out because if you squint maybe you’ll read something about the stars guiding them to each other. Maybe we’re evoking thoughts of star-crossed lovers. And then we mention the moon again, and Zuko’s really seeing it for the first time, kind of like Sokka did, so hey I don’t know maybe that’s a symbol of something. Maybe.  

And that’s really it I think! Hopefully this was at least entertaining if not entirely informative. I don’t normally write stuff out like this, but it is a good reflection of my thought process while writing most fics. Again, I am open to any kind of communication about the above as well as anything else I’ve posted! And I’d love to hear about any of your own ideas that help you with worldbuilding and writing your own fics :)

[rorysfm]

hllo demons n nerds ! i’m sage, coming 2 u live frm the est gutters! i am... v excited to be here but i am literally the worst at intros so i’m jus gonna diiiiive right into rory below ! 

(ISABELLA JONES, CISFEMALE) - Have you seen AURORA LEBLANC? RORY is in HER SOPHOMORE year. The DANCE AND SOCIOLOGY MAJOR is 19 years old & is a LIBRA. People say SHE is LIVELY, MAGNETIC, IMPULSIVE and UNRELIABLE. Rumors say they’re a member of CALLOWAY. I heard from the gossip blog that HER PARENTS ARE COVERING UP THAT SHE WAS KICKED OUT OF YALE FOR PLAGIARISM AND NO OTHER IVY WOULD ACCEPT HER, SO THEY BOUGHT HER WAY INTO YATES

ok,  so.. rory is a brand new muse of mine so.. pls bare w me while i sort her out. if u want to skip the mess below & just vibe check her.. here’s her pinterest!

BACKGROUND

born and raised in greenwood, south carolina to oliver and lauren leblanc. her parents were high school sweethearts who were voted most likely to get married and have a dozen kids running around

they stopped at 2 because they jus... their kids were a handful but rory will tell you they stopped after her bc they hit perfection :~) 

her mom’s family teetered between lower-middle class, her mom entering a bunch of pageants to bring in some extra cash for them. 

her dad’s side on the other hand, is where all the connections are baby!!

the leblancs come from a long long line of being wrapped up in the political world. governors, members of the state senate, mayors, advisers... you name it - a leblanc has had that position. 

her dad’s goals were no different than the rest of his family’s ... some would say even bigger bc he wants to do what no other leblanc was able to do, which is... run for president. (yes hello.. rory as the future first daughter?)

growing up her parents were honestly... not the best. like above all else they put oliver’s career above their kids and it wasn’t not being there for an important recital, or a parent-teacher night; it was being there for all the wrong reasons.

 every little thing they did was calculating to make the leblancs look like the perfect family. hugs and words of encouragement loud enough to filter through the room aimed at their darling children only for them to turn cold and criticise every single thing they did wrong as soon as they got into the car. it was pretty clear that oliver and lauren were a team, and their kids were just props. 

when rory was 12, lauren started making monthly appointments at the hair salon to dye rory’s hair blonde... she had a standing appointment every tenth of the month to have her roots touched up

rory’s mom jus rly... pushed rory on her looks and enrolled her in pageants, debutante balls, anything that showed off rory’s looks... lauren pushed her towards it.

rory and her brother declan stayed in their hometown for school until college bc their parents thought it made them look like more of wholesome family so instead of sending them off to boarding schools in london or new york, they opted for private schools in south carolina

both of them were of course pushed into going to well renowned schools, their grandfather had pushed them into going to yates since he, himself had been part of calloway and they were practically legacies and while declan followed thru with it... rory watched the cinderella story one too many times and like hilary duff..... sis went to princeton for political science!!!

only it ended up in flames bc tbh she was like a bull in a china shop, the freedom of not having her parents around to judge every single thing she did? or pushing her into doing things she hated? she od’d on FREEDOM. rory rly just did her own thing, kinda spiralled out of control.. never hard drugs but lots of drinking and partying.

she ended up getting put on probation and was flunking nearly every course. the pressure really got to her (like she knew her parents would get involved if you got kicked out or if she failed all her courses) so she ended up plagiarising an essay ... but gueSS what!! she was caught and her parents got involved anyways.

her parents ended up being able to keep things ... quiet by paying off the teacher that had caught her. the dean also agreed to stay mum about it (after accepting a hefty cheque), so nothing ever went of her record, nothing would ever be documented of this mishap.

but... it’s likely people still talk and while rumors can’t be proven, it still stopped rory from getting into yale, harvard and columbia when she tried

finally with her grandfather’s pull and the promise to build yates a new library with the next 5 years... rory was accepted just as declan had graduated. 

PRESENT

pulled up to yates in her vintage baby blue mercedes benz convertible from the 60′s

she’s brand new to yates, and switched out of political science.

out of all the activities and hobbies that her parents tried to push her into, dance was the only one she actually enjoyed doing and fell in love with 

her parents let her major in it, as long as she did a double major.. so sis took sociology because why not?

spent her summer dancing with the new york ballet company in their production of a midsummer’s night dream. 

honestly.. loved it but also was lowkey bummed out she missed out on a proper summer

right before declan had graduated, rory had come up for a campus tour and ended up partying at yates for a weekend

probably got herself into a bit of trouble, and probably made a nice little impression on a few people!

PERSONALITY

honestly.. chaotic good. she’s always been a little more on the wilder side than declan.. a little more carefree and daring and just always needed to be told to behave

in fact has a tattoo that says BEHAVE  on her forearm, that she got one night back in princeton. 

that said, she’s very good at playing her part in the family

dubbed as the golden girl... bc she is just that kind of girl that has a magnetic pull to her, a smile that could combat the sun and just naturally very charming and genuinely nice?? very good a convincing you without being manipulative about it

does only angel by harry styles play when she walks in the room? possibly.

the kind of girl that you spend weeks thinking about after one (1) conversation

still gets her hair dyed blonde the 10th of every month, bc her mother has convinced her she is just not meant to be a brunette :/ 

honestly.. she’s insecure abt a lot of things because of her mom  :/

has really great posture and etiquette from all those pageant days. also really good at making cranes out of dinner napkins from being bored at functions her parents forced her to go to

would probably throw hands if she caught someone talking badly abt her brother bc she’s protective of him

very much a hopeless romantic, gets heart eyes very easily and likes to chase until it isn’t fun anymore and falls in love with multiple people a day. 

tragically likes country music :/

promised her brother she wld.. try to be good and stay out of trouble but i reckon.... she won’t plagiarize an essay ever again but everything else? the partying? fair game.

CONNECTIONS

tbh i will take anything yall will give me... i am @ ur service serving rory on a silver platter to u

i’m also big on chemistry so we can just see where things go as well since rory is new to yates this could be fun!!

a few people she met while she was visiting last year.. someone she clicked with and they stayed in touch, maybe someone she flirted with but doesn’t remember then (even tho she’ll pretend she does!), someone she hooked up with perhaps? someone she spent all night talking to? 

a brother’s friend she’s met a couple times? 

good influence/bad influence

family friends

family rivals

cousins could be fun

a roommate

a tutor?

tinder matches? hook ups, flirtationship .. anything angsty!!

friends!! pleathe i will take them all.. a girl squad would also be quite fun!

ok.. that’s all tht my lil brain can come up with.. im sorry this is so long and such a mess but hmu if you’d like to plot!! 

[what-even-is-thiss]

Off of Land, Out of Water, Part 2, Help

It’s part 2 of the mer au. Let me know if I need to add warnings. 2,721 words

Abstract: Logan and Virgil relearning some things.

Part 1 Next

2. Help.

Virgil held onto Logan’s arm for a while at Logan’s insistence.

“You didn’t sleep, you shouldn’t be swimming much.” he had said.

For once Virgil didn’t protest.

They got to the school, a low building in more shallow waters where people went to memorize the history of merfolk. Undersea people had no written language so a select few with good memories were chosen as young children to learn trade secrets, history, how the systems of government worked, and yes, any interaction they had ever had with humans. Logan was appointed as a a history scholar but always felt he would be better at memorizing things found in science and math and magic. The masters had insisted, however, for whatever reason, that he learn history. So that is what he did. The names and places of all merfolk from the central Atlantic region, their ancestors’ place of origin, their previous migration patterns, the major things that happened in their politics and history were all in his head. Soon, if he passed this test, he would work as an archivist. Keep relics safe, answer merpeople’s questions about their family history when they came to the school. When he’s older he’ll take on an apprentice and teach them everything he knows. Literally. All that was ahead of him though. For now in this moment he had to start reciting.

And his chest was feeling weird.

“Virgil, I don’t like to use this word more often than I have to, but my chest feels weird.” Logan said casually as they waited outside the stone exam room where people had carved many pictures in the stone walls of teachers being eaten by sharks or stabbed with spears.

“Your chest feels…. weird?” Virgil asked.

“Yes. Strange. Odd. Queer.” He also made a low humming in his throat in mer language to further solidify his point that whatever he was feeling definately wasn’t ordinary.

“Like are you anxious?” Virgil asked, a horrible note of hope in his voice.

“Hardly.” Logan said. “I know everything I should. But my lungs, my inner gills, I…”

Virgil suddenly grabbed Logan’s arm and started pulling him away.

“Virgil! The test!” Logan exclaimed.

“No time for tests! Your stomach is going to start hurting soon! I knew it was you. I just knew it. Oh God, why did it have to be you?” Virgil said.

Logan swore very loudly with a whistle and a click as his stomach started hurting just as Virgil had predicted. His head went light. People made extremely disapproving noises as Virgil pushed them out of the way. They knocked a decorative rope made for graduation season and New Years off of a building. Virgil was moving upwards at a dangerous pace, somehow not bothered by the change in pressure, his black and grey scales and pale skin both began to reflect real sunlight rather than the bottled kind.

“Virgil take me to a healer!” Logan called, trying to fight his way out of Virgil’s grasp.

But it was no use. Even on Logan’s best day and Virgil’s worst Virgil was still stronger, bigger, and had a much tighter will than him. His fear made him unstoppable. Logan could vaguely hear shouts and other confused noises behind him as his skin began to feel gross. Just really, really gross. The shimmering light of the surface became visible. Everything was expanding too quickly. Somehow Virgil didn’t slow down. His desperate grip on Logan’s arm began to draw blood. Logan’s stomach reached critical levels of pain. Oxygen bubbles began forming in his lungs.

“Surface… too… fast…” Logan managed. His vision went blurry.

He blacked out.

……….

“Keep walking, Virgil.” dad said. “The car’s that way.”

“Dad… it…” Virgil started.

He fell to his knees.

“Verge!” his mom yelled.

Through his blurry vision Virgil thought he could see her straight curtain of bleach blonde hair. The boardwalk was hard and yet somehow soft under his knees. 

“Mom, what’s wrong with him?” Virgil heard his brother say.

“Be quiet, Roman. We need to think. I told you we shouldn’t bring him to the ocean until he’s grown. I told you!”

“I told him to not touch the water, Jen!” 

“What…” Virgil tried. “My stomach… Mom?”

He fell fully onto his side. His lungs were starting to burn.

“It wants him now, John! There’s no one around! That witch made sure of it! Do it!”

“This wasn’t supposed to happen yet! He’s only thirteen!”

“Look at him! The ocean doesn’t care! Do it!”

The air suddenly felt very dry despite the sea spray around him. For some reason Virgil knew this had to do with when he had stood in the waves despite his parents’ warnings. Though why suddenly being sick would be related to that he didn’t know. He felt his heart increase to a dangerous pace as some arms belonging to he didn’t know who began pulling his clothes off of him.

Virgil cried. But he couldn’t cry. Some hands, he didn’t know whose, threw him into the air. He felt water engulf his naked body. He couldn’t move his legs apart. He gasped in a mouthful of salt.

He blacked out.

……….

Logan opened his eyes and tried looking around. Everything was heavy except for his lungs which were horribly light. It was almost as if they didn’t exist. His body hurt. The surface under him was hard. All he could see was blurry grey shapes.

“Vir-gil?” he asked. He tried to whistle out his friend’s mer name but found that he couldn’t. His mouth felt strange. His hair felt strange. His skin felt strange. His tail felt… His…

“H… huh?” he asked nobody in particular.

A hand on his back helped him sit up.

“They’re called legs.” said a familiar deep and ominous voice.

“My teeth are…” 

“Not pointy. Take it slow. It’s hard to adjust.”

Logan ran his tongue along his teeth. Most of them were flat. They had become… what’s the word? Omnivorous? Flat? Annoyingly small?

“I’m going to put something on your face now.” Virgil said. “I borrowed them from my younger brother. They’re his old prescription. It’ll be better than nothing.”

Virgil carefully put some kind of glass and wire thing on Logan’s face over his eyes and Logan stopped seeing a blur and finally saw his friend’s face. His black hair wasn’t floating around, nor was it plastered to his head with water. It was dry. Before now Logan hadn’t even known what that word truly meant. He ran his fingers into his own hair. Dry. He looked at Virgil. Down his body. He was…

“You are…”

“Human. Yeah. Try looking down.”

Logan looked down.

“Okay clearly that isn’t natural.”

His friend laughed. “You said you know how full mammals reproduce.” Virgil said. He lifted up his shirt and pointed to the large inverted scar on his stomach. The one Logan had asked about every time he’d seen him for the past ten years. “That’s how I got this scar. From being born. We call it a belly button. Or, a navel I guess.”

Virgil jumped up and went to what Logan recognized from drifting junk he had seen in the ocean to be an ice chest. He looked around and saw that they were under a cliff face, or he assumed it was a cliff face from carvings he’d seen. He also slowly realized that he was physically human now and that according to what he’d heard about human customs....

“You need help putting these on?” Virgil asked, pulling some clothes out of the ice chest.

“Most likely. I’ve never had to… um…”

“You’ll get used to it. Don’t try to understand anything yet. Trust me. It isn’t worth it.”

Virgil gently helped his friend into a pair of boxers and some jeans. He brought out a polo shirt.

“You’re about my younger brother’s size so I brought some of his clothes. Hope you like polo shirts. That’s basically all he wears. Well, except for things with cats on them.”

Virgil instructed Logan on how to put a shirt on, helping him put his arms through the holes.

“Now, before I see if you can walk, word to the wise, don’t take your shirt off in front of people. Almost every human that has ever lived has a belly button, and you don’t.”

“Why?” Logan asked. “What is any of this? What is happening? What are you?”

“Okay, L. Clearly you were lying when you said that you know how mammals reproduce. I’ll have the talk with you later. I’ll have a lot of talks with you later. For right now, I’m gonna help you stand.”

……….

“That’s it. Put your entire body into it.” she encouraged.

Virgil clicked out her name angrily and huffed, but he moved his tail nonetheless.

“That’s good. You’re getting better at pronouncing my name!” she whistled.

“I’ve been thinking about a human name for you. I decided. I’m gonna call you Val in human.” Virgil said.

“If that makes you feel better. I don’t need a human name though.” Val said.

“Am I done yet?” he asked.

“Do you think you can swim next to me?” she asked.

“Ugh, fine.” Virgil spat. “You’re too happy.”

“So you keep telling me, guppy.”

“I’m already an adolescent!” Virgil hissed, showing his teeth.

Sometimes instincts really did override what he’d learned as a human. Even though he was, for all intents and purposes, physically a merman now, he did age a bit faster than other merpeople. A merman his age would normally be figuring out social rules and not have any hormones to speak of. The equivalent of a human nine year old. Virgil, on the other hand, was now supposed to be learning how to be an adult, which he couldn’t do when he didn’t know how to move around or speak in full sentences. He was supposed to be wrestling his younger brother and defending him from their mom, going to his older brother’s music recitals and hating it, learning how to cook from his parents, crying over final exams, worrying about which high school he was going to. Watching Gators football games and cursing as he stabbed himself in the eye with a mascara brush for the first time. 

But instead it was like he was a toddler all over again.

Val and Verge swam slowly together in silence to the edge of the reefs where her house was, dangerously close to human civilization. Virgil was exhausted.

“Why am I even here? Why can’t I just stay human?” he asked as she held him tight when he was ready to sleep.

“It’s because of what came before us, guppy.” Val said, running her fingers through his hair. “It’s just something you got caught up in. I’ll tell you soon.”

……….

“I am so heavy.” Logan said, rubbing his injured knee.

He had knees now. He… no, don’t process that. Save it for later.

“Everyone’s heavy. It’s just more obvious on land.” Virgil said, holding his hand out again. 

Logan took a deep breath of briny sea air and pulled on his friend’s hand. He managed to stand with some help.

“We can carry you to the car if you can’t make it.” Virgil said.

“No. Cars sound horrifying and I’d rather know that I’m able to get away from it. And your brothers. They don’t sound agreeable. Let me go.” Logan said.

“Alright, but I hope you know that almost nobody learns to walk in one day.” Virgil said.

“I’m not a child!” Logan exclaimed.

“Yeah that’s what I said too.” Virgil said as he let go.

Logan looked down at his feet now trapped in things called “tennis shoes” and took a breath.

“Just focus on not falling down.” Virgil said.

“You’ve already said that. And I have a good memory. I…”

“Yeah, I know L. Just look up. Look at me. Step forward. Just one step for now.”

Logan looked up. Virgil was a lot bigger than him even as a human. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. He wanted to take a step towards Virgil to point at him and tell him that this wasn’t fair. He tried to do that but took two steps and fell into Virgil’s arms instead.

“Further than you got last time.” Virgil said.

“You’re never this patient.” Logan grumbled into Virgil’s chest.

“I have a long term memory, you know. Swimming isn’t easy to learn as an adult. Or a teenager.” Virgil said. “Come on, we’ve got another hour before they get here. Maybe I can see you fall face first into the rocks a few more times.”

Logan tried standing up again.

“Virgil, how long were you… before we met?”

“A hundred days.” Virgil said. “Just living with Val, learning how to exist again. It was another year after that I got to visit my family again.”

Logan took a step forward.

“I can’t wait a hundred days. Much less a year.”

He took another step forward. Then another. Then he fell over again. Virgil caught him before he hit the ground.

“Well at least you’re giving me a good arm workout today.” Virgil grunted, lifting his friend up again. “God, Patton is rubbing off on me. I just looked on the bright side of something.”

“I don’t know who that is, but he’s clearly corrupting you.” Logan paused. “That was a joke.”

“I know, dude. You don’t have to tell me every time. He’s my younger brother.”

He sat Logan down on the rocks.

“Well I suppose I know where you go when you leave without any warning now.” Logan said, rubbing his face underneath the glasses. He clicked his tongue in a small curse. Some equivalent to “Crud” or “Shoot.” in mer speak.

“Yup.” Virgil said. “Florida. Lucky you.”

“That sounded suspiciously like sarcasm.” Logan said as he rubbed his suffering knees.

“It was.”

……….

Virgil focused on breathing slowly. He swam up cautiously.

“You’re shaking, buddy. Come on, you’ve been growing. They’re gonna want to see that.” Val said.

“I can’t.” Virgil said, stopping suddenly. “I can’t.”

He turned around. Val grabbed him by the arm.

“Hey, you survived the first day of school and talked to the elders. You can do anything.” She said.

She gently ran one of her hands along his neck and to the base of his spine, a gesture he recently learned was used to soothe people when they were nervous, especially between parents and children. He nervously flicked his tail at that realization. How did Val see him, really?

“They’re your family. They want to see you.” she said. “It doesn’t matter what you’ve become. And next year? You’ll get to visit them properly. Go on.”

She gestured upwards. Virgil swallowed.

“Alright, but I won’t like it.”

“Sure you won’t.”

He swam cautiously upward on his own. It had been so long since that day at the boardwalk where everyone had suddenly disappeared and his stomach had started hurting. The day he had been thrown in to appease the ocean and hadn’t seen his family since. How much did they know? How could they forgive him for not listening? How could he forgive them for not telling him why he couldn’t touch the water? Could he explain everything to them? How he looked like a freak even down there? How badly he wanted to come home? How badly he wanted to stay?

He caught sight of the correct pile of rocks and aimed for it. Two almost familiar figures were peering into the water. He broke the surface.

“Virgil, baby!” his brothers were pushed aside and almost fell into the water as his mom knelt and hugged him around the neck.

Virgil blew the water out of his lungs and smiled with all his teeth despite how embarrassed he was at the size of them. He saw his dad standing behind them and when it was his turn he hugged even harder. If merpeople could cry Virgil knew he would be doing it.

“Hi dad.” he whispered into his father’s shoulder. “Hi.”

Patton and Roman both smiled at him from behind their parents’ tearful babbling. Roman gave a wave. The same one he did whenever a piano recital was over. Virgil sighed. It was alright.

[itsybitsyspiderling]

thank you to @imgoingtocrash​ for the tag!! i don’t usually do tag games but i figured i’d try one out for once lol

1. What’s your favorite genre to write?

If we’re talking vague, I usually stick around science fiction. Most of the stuff I write for my college courses tend to be fairly hard to categorize tbh—but if we’re talking what I prefer on ao3... anything with emotional hurt. I can’t help it. I feel like writing internalized pain is my speciality. 

2. Do you pull inspiration from real life, or do you pull things from other books/fanfiction you’ve read?

I think it really depends. Some of my stuff comes from absolutely nowhere, whereas other things I’ve written (i.e. code white light and mr. professor stark) were inspired by something. The latter is because I live in Boston and walked around MIT for a bit once before realizing I could write something about it. 

3. Do you tend to write one-shots, short stories, or longer things?

Honestly, a bit of everything. I wish I could write more one-shots, but then I get engrossed in an idea like who is peter parker? or can you hear me? (which I now just realized are both questions as titles...... nice going, Brit). I love the idea of writing a long one-shot, but once I tend to head up towards 3k words, I always find the perfect spot to end it as a chapter. There are a ton of unfinished WIPs on my laptop that are all chaptered fics without any substance.

4. Do you prefer to write description or dialogue?

Oh, what a question. I love dialogue. I love delving into a character’s personality with word choices and their tone as they talk. Especially when my readers already know the character, i.e. Tony and Peter, writing their dialogue can make someone feel like what they are reading is something Tony would actually say. I love exploring Tony especially since he’s so quippy and witty. He’s so fun to write. 

But don’t get me wrong, I love description too. Writing prose is most effective for me when I’m emotionally involved in the scene. Otherwise, it’s really hard to do.

5. Favorite fic/book of all time?

I’ve never had to compile a list of recs before, so bear with me. 

One story in particular that literally rocked my world was Reviving Peter Parker by @yellowdistress​ — it was one of those stories that tore out my heart and patched it back in place. So good. And so heartbreaking. I’ve been thinking about this story for well over a year. 

Another piece that has destroyed me in the best was is The Five People Who Missed Peter Parker the Most by @seek-rest — I don’t think I’ve cried so hard in my life; my roommate had to come make sure I was okay. It’s so sad, but it’s so well-written. This is another piece that has stuck with me for the longest time. 

Also Sigh No More by @blondsak has stuck with me. It’s one of those stories that makes you really think, and then once you’re done reading it (at least five more times), you can’t stop thinking about it. So, so good. 

Anything these writers have written can take your breath away.

6. Favorite trope?

God, I can’t decide. One of my favorite stories I’ve written was what’s in a name because they were sort of enemies at first. And then they grew to have that mentor/father/son relationship. 

7. Are you the kind of person to work on more than one wip?

omg.... Okay, so, yes but also no. If I’m writing a bunch of one-shots, then I definitely have a few that I work on. However, I cannot write anything else if I’m working on a chaptered fic. I need to have that story be the sole focus. I have ideas galore sometimes, and I like to jot down the ideas in the notes on my phone. I usually end up starting to write some things and then never get back to them again.

8. How long have you been writing?

Damn. This really puts it all into perspective. I really got into it when I was 11 or 12, so around 10 years now. An old English teacher told me I had a knack for creativity, and that really pushed me to keep writing. I started off with original ideas and then moved onto fanfiction when I was around 13. I decided I wanted to major in writing in college when I was either 14 or 15. A lot has happened since. 

9. Do you tend to write more in the morning, afternoon, or evening?

Wow, I wish I was a morning/afternoon writer. I usually get the ball rolling around 10pm and, depending on the mood, I can’t stop until 2 or 3am. It’s become an issue especially now that I’m stuck at home and have totally fucked up my sleep schedule. 

And when I try to go to sleep, it’s hard to turn my brain off, so if I keep having ideas I absolutely need to jot them down before I forget. 

10. Do you prefer to post and update your WIP chapter by chapter or wait until it’s 100% complete before sharing it?

I really wish I could complete it before sharing it :( I just get too excited. I post chapter by chapter, and it’s an issue because sometimes I end up abandoning the thing :((( 

This was fun! Thank you for tagging!!! Anyone who wants to do this can (and I’m also not sure who has or hasn’t, but I’ll throw a tag out to @floweryfran and @ithinkiwannamarvelyou

[max-is-tired]

With This Dream, I Inflate (Painted Skies In My Brain)

Pairing: Logince, Sleepxiety

Characters: Logan Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Roman Sanders, Patton Sanders, Remy Sleep Sanders, Dr. Emile Picani (mentioned)

Words: 2.631

Warnings: Some homesickness at the beginning (not major, but it’s there), swearing, nothing else I can think of

Notes: I am incredibly late, but finally @adultmorelikeadolt ‘s birthday fic is done!!! Happy very belated birthday Rem!!!

I started this fic three weeks ago, fully convinced this was gonna be a short thing... I never learn, do I? Nonetheless, I’m proud of how it turned out, and I’m 99% sure this is getting a second part because I just fell in love with this AU

Thanks to my amazing beta @tigertigertigger  who makes sure the English language doesn’t kick my ass to the moon and back, you’re the absolute best

Hit me up if you want to be added to the taglist and let me know if you liked this, reblogs, comments and asks are always very welcome and much appreciated!

(P.s. Since Roman is Italian in this fic, translation for those few Italian expressions he uses can be found at the end of the fic!!)

Read on AO3!!   Buy me a Coffee!!

When his best friend wins a scholarship for a one-year exchange in Europe, Virgil doesn’t think much of it.

Logan is incredibly smart, without a doubt the most gifted student their college has to offer -and he’s double majoring in Astrophysics and Chemical Engineering, so that’s no small feat.

So yeah, he’s not surprised when Logan -who’s also his roommate, since they’re both broke, caffeine-addicted college students- gets home one evening, a strange envelope in his hands, and announces he has been given the so agonized scholarship. Virgil simply raises an eyebrow at the barely-concealed look of relief in the other’s eyes, mumbling a smug “I told you so” accompanied by the best shit-eating grin he can muster and finger guns.

Their third roommate, on the other hand, is a totally different story.

Patton basically throws himself at Logan, squealing in delight while rambling about how proud he is. He then insists on celebrating, and they end up having an impromptu movie night, complete with pizza and a batch of Patton’s infamous cookies -which end up in Logan’s stomach after not even an hour, for the hidden amusement of his two roommates.

After that, it’s a blur of finals to take, forms to fill and planning to get done -because it’s Logan we’re talking about, and Virgil’s pretty sure he’s already got at least half of his year abroad panned out.

Before they know it, the semester has come and gone and they’re standing in the middle of the airport, Patton bawling his eyes out on Logan’s shoulder while basically smothering him in a hug. Virgil limits himself to an amused smile, to which Logan answers with an exaggerated eye-roll -even him, always the logical, can’t really hide the fondness in his eyes as he tries to calm Patton enough to at least be able to breathe properly.

Logan’s parents watch from afar, letting the boys have their moment. Then, the intercom calls Logan’s flight, and it’s time for the very last goodbyes.

+++

It takes them a while to adjust.

Patton and Virgil, now being each other’s only roommates, work to find a new routine that doesn’t have a Logan-shaped hole in it -easier said than done, that’s for sure.

As for Logan, well, his first weeks are a jumble of moving in, unpacking boxes, visiting the campus to get accustomed with his new surroundings and figuring out his new schedule -not considering the quite influent change of time zone, which takes him a while to get used to.

But the three of them are nothing but determined, and it doesn’t take them long to figure out a somewhat solid schedule for video calls that doesn’t force any of them to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn or staying awake until some ungodly hour of the night.

With this system put in place, it’s certainly easier to deal with the distance. They’ve never been separated for so long, their trio having been an integral part of their life since middle school. It’s hard for all of them, even if Virgil often tries to brush it off and Logan downright does everything he can to ignore it.

It helps more than they like to admit, having somebody like Patton in their group. He barely conceals his feelings, openly expressing them and giving both Virgil and Logan a chance to talk about their own emotional conundrums without directly addressing them.

And so another year comes and goes, they’re juniors in college, Virgil has somehow gained a boyfriend who’s more caffeine-addicted than him, and Logan is finally, finally home.

Everything’s fine, right?

Not quite.

+++

“Look!” Virgil whispers, shaking the person sitting next to him, “he’s doing it again!”

Remy grumbles, raising his head from its place on the desk to glare at his boyfriend, “what is it now?”

“It’s Logan!” Virgil explains, gesturing to the boy sitting a few rows in front of them. Remy doesn’t get what all the fuss is, really. Logan looks pretty normal to him, sitting straight -the only straight thing about the guy, probably- as he seems to be diligently following the ongoing lecture. How does he even do it anyway? It’s just so boring, the teacher has been talking incessantly for more than an hour now and the only thing Remy wants to do is take a fucking nap-

“He’s using his phone-” Virgil keeps going, completely oblivious to his boyfriend’s wandering thoughts- “and he’s texting someone!”

Well, now that Virgil has pointed it out, Remy can see the corner of Logan’s phone peeking out from between his notes. Huh, that’s strange.

“Wait just a sec, how do you know he’s texting? I can barely see the phone as it is, let alone guess if he’s actually using it or not.”

“That’s because you’re exactly behind him, idiot,” Virgil grumbles, eyes still fixed on his best friend’s back, “he’s got an app open, I can’t tell which one exactly but it’s definitely for texting. I’ve known Logan since middle school and he’s never used his phone in class, not once. What the hell?”

“Chill, Vee,” Remy yawns, settling his head back on the desk, “ maybe he’s finally loosening up a little. It sure as hell looks like that year abroad was good for him, uh?”

Virgil mutters something unintelligible under his breath, clearly still displeased, but he knows he really can’t, in good conscience, dispute Remy’s claim.

Because it’s obvious that, while it can't be denied that the previous year has been a stressful time for all parts involved, the Logan who has come back is different from the Logan they said goodbye to, that day at the airport.

It’s not a bad change, per se.

He’s just- softer, around the edges. He looks calmer, more perceptive of the world around him. His temper seems to have subsided -for the joy of literally everyone, doesn’t matter what Patton says- and he’s obviously much more patient.

He looks… content, Virgil thinks that’s the word he’s looking for. And that’s a good thing, don’t get him wrong! But no one can deny that Logan has changed, and change isn’t exactly something Virgil works well with.

It scares him because Logan has been a constant in Virgil’s life for almost as long as he can remember and now he’s different, somehow.

But he also looks happy, so Virgil just deals with his anxious discomfort, because he sure as hell won’t be the one taking that away from Logan.

He just wishes his best friend would tell him what the hell is going on.

+++

When they’re finally let out of the lecture -for the immense joy of Remy, who had immediately dashed out of his seat and yelled “Starbucks time, bitches!!” before bolting out of the door- Logan is obviously still in whatever conversation he has been keeping up for most of the class, checking his phone every few minutes.

The two of them are standing near some benches across from the science building, waiting for Patton to get out of his last class. It’s the perfect opportunity to ask Logan who exactly he’s talking to, but alas, anxiety is a bitch and it very much likes to make Virgil’s life a living hell.

So Virgil resigns himself to standing in silence beside his friend, wallowing in his curiosity as he begrudgingly watches Logan text the mysterious person with a strange smile on his face -which only makes Virgil more curious because he’s never seen Logan smile like that before, damn it, and he just wants to understand what the fuck is going on.

“V, Lolo!” Patton’s voice startles them both out of their thoughts, giving Virgil half of a heart attack and making Logan almost drop his phone.

“Hey, Popstar.” “Salutations, Patton.”

“Sorry, I’m late,” Patton giggles, quickly approaching the two, “Dr. Picani got us so invested in today’s lecture, we all forgot to check the time!”

“Lucky you,” Remy grins, coming up behind Virgil and draping an arm over his shoulders, “our lecture was so boring I slept through most of it.”

Virgil -who really doesn’t like getting startled every five minutes, thank you very much- turns around and punches his boyfriend’s arm, glaring.

“Ouch!” Remy yelps, fumbling with his coffee, “What was that for?!”

“Maybe next time you’ll think twice before sneaking up on me like that, asshole,” he grumbles, “also, you always sleep through our lectures.”

Cue the Offended Gay Noises™, completed by Remy dramatically draping himself over his boyfriend. “The slander! The Betrayal!”

“Stop being a drama queen, you know I’m right. And get off of me!”

Patton watches the two bicker with a smile on his face, far too used to their antics to be worried.

“Ah, young love,” he sighs dreamily, “they’re just too cute, right Lo?”

Logan, however, seems to be completely unaware of what is happening. He’s frowning at his phone as if it has somehow offended him, typing message after message at an alarming speed.

“Logan?” Patton calls, trying to catch the other’s attention, “you okay?”

“What?” Logan startles, his head shooting up in confusion, “oh, my apologies Patton, I was not paying attention.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Patton chuckles, “is everything alright? I’ve never seen you use your phone so much, and you looked quite troubled back there.”

“Ah, no-” another chime from his phone makes Logan pause, groaning in clear frustration as he quickly answers yet another message.

“Apologies for worrying you, Patton-” he finally says pocketing his phone and pointedly ignoring its continuous chiming- “but I assure you, there is nothing to worry about. I’m just dealing with a rather obnoxious person who apparently enjoys making me lose what little patience I have.”

Patton cocks his head on one side, looking deep in thought before an all-too-familiar smirk slowly starts spreading on his face.

“Don’t you mean-” he says, barely keeping his laugh at bay- “that your patience is-”

“Patton Morgan Hart don’t you dare finish that sentence or so help me-”

“-infinitesimal?”

Logan lets out a loud groan of despair, Patton becoming a giggling mess beside him.

“You will never let this go, will you?” he asks, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Nope!” Patton grins.

“Are we making fun of Logan?” Virgil pipes up, “because I want in on that.”

“Can we change the subject? Please?”

“Don’t worry gurl, I gotchu,” Remy grins, eyes glinting behind his dark shades, “because I just remembered what I came back for, and this is a juicy one guys.”

“What do you mean?”

“Apparently we got a new entry from the exchange program and let me tell you, the guy is hot. He’s very good looking, smooth as fuck and I’m like, 90% sure he’s ripped or something. Like, totally illegal, I swear.”

Beside him, Virgil visibly stiffens, arm tightening around the others side, “and you know that because…?”

Remy huffs out a laugh at that, visibly amused by his boyfriend’s sudden jealousy.

“Relax babe-” he basically purrs, kissing his cheek- “you’re the only one I want. I just saw him in front of the main building earlier, he was very difficult to miss. Almost the whole campus was ogling him some way or another. I think he was actually searching for someone, I didn’t pay much attention.”

Logan looks at Remy with a thoughtful expression, clearly pondering something in his head.

“Out of curiosity,” he finally asks, choosing his words carefully, “could you describe this new exchange student?”

“Why, you interested?” Remy grins, wiggling his eyebrows, “careful Logan, your gay is showing.”

“Remy,” Logan growls -actually growls, what the fuck gurl- in annoyance, glaring daggers at him.

“Okay, okay!” Remy relents, raising his hands in surrender, “sheesh gurl, no need to get so worked up!”

He then taps his chin, thinking about his earlier encounter, “he’s on the tall side, wide shoulders, pretty sure he’s a theatre kid because he really looks like one. Brown hair, green eyes, I think he may be either Spanish or Italian? I don’t know, he had somewhat of an accent but I was too far away to be sure.”

“Thank god you  didn’t pay much attention, uh?” Virgil mutters, rolling his eyes. Remy snorts, shoving him lightly.

Too busy with their playful teasing, the couple doesn’t notice the way Logan has suddenly stiffened, eyes wide as his mind seems to have suddenly screeched to a halt. It, however, doesn’t go unnoticed by Patton, who gives him a concerned look.

“Lo, are you alri-”

“Aha! Ti ho trovato finalmente!”

Four heads snap up in unison, turning towards the new voice. Standing a few feet away, the infamous new exchange student shoots them a grin, hands on his hips and green eyes trained on their group.

“Niente ‘ciao’? Did I finally manage to leave you speechless, nerd?”

Logan lets out something akin to a squeak -which he’ll forever deny having made- cheeks blazing red as he scrambles to regain his composure.

“R- Roman? What- what are you doing here?!”

Roman lets out a laugh, approaching the group until he’s standing right in front of Logan -the others seem to be too dumbfounded to react, one, because wasn’t kidding when he said the guy was hot, damn, and two, because they’ve never seen Logan so flustered before and honestly they’re more than a little confused right now.

“I may or may not have made a request for a semester abroad like, a week before you had to fly back? I got everything confirmed and ready to go just a month or so ago, so I decided to surprise you,” he shrugs, looking somewhat unsure, “so, uh, sorpresa?”

Logan blinks owlishly at him, clearly still trying to make sense to the situation. Then, he lets out a groan, hiding his bright red face behind his hands.

“You’re a pain in the ass and I hate you, stronzo.”

Roman laughs, shoulders slumping in relief, “God, how much I missed you.”

Then, under the three’s identical stunned gazes, he grabs Logan -who lets out a startled yelp- and dips him with a flourish, before winking and kissing him square on the lips.

Logan, who until that very moment had been as stiff as a wooden board, immediately melts in Roman’s arms, hands moving to gently cup the other’s face as he starts eagerly kissing back.

Snapping out of his stupor, Remy lets out a loud whoop, joined by Virgil’s sputtering and a very flustered Patton.

“Hello there, luce dei miei occhi,” Roman murmurs when the finally separate, smiling widely as Logan looks at him through half-lidded eyes.

Huffing in mock annoyance, Logan rolls his eyes and wiggles out of his arms, pointedly ignoring his still burning cheeks.

“Stop being so mushy,” he grumbles, fixing his tie.

Roman grins at that, looping an arm around Logan’s side, “Please sweetheart, we both know you love it when I'm mushy.”

“Okay okay okay, what the everloving fuck is going on here?!” Virgil suddenly screeches, breaking the little bubble that had formed around the two in a million pieces.

Finally recalling that his friends are, in fact, present and have probably seen the whole scene, Logan suddenly looks like a deer caught in the headlights, blush coming back full force as he takes in Remy’s shit-eating grin, Virgil scandalized expression and Patton flustered face.

Seemingly unfazed by the whole scenario, Roman presses their bodies together and gives the three a dazzling grin, green eyes twinkling in barely hidden amusement.

“Ciao a tutti! My name’s Roman, I’m a theatre major and I’m also Logan’s very handsome Italian boyfriend!”

“You have a boyfriend and you didn’t tell us?!”

Logan groans, hiding his face in Roman’s chest as his asshole of a boyfriend lets out a boisterous laugh.

Ooh boy, this is going to take a while.

+++

Translations:

“Ti ho trovato finalmente!” => “I found you at last!”

“Niente ‘ciao’?” => “No ‘hello’?”

“Sorpresa?” => “Surprise?”

“Stronzo” => Italian insult, I honestly can’t think of an accurate translation :’)

“Luce dei miei occhi” => “Light of my eyes”

“Ciao a tutti!” => “Hello everyone!”

[truckstop-sushi-blog]

Bow-Ties and Pig Skins (Adam Driver x Reader Fic)

CONTENT WARNING: homophobia, bullying, sexual themes, dated slang, sexual scenes, vulgar language, dubcon

18+ CONTENT

You were daydreaming in physics today, again for the third time this week. It was 9:53 am and you were tired out of your mind, shivering despite the denim jacket your dad had gotten you the week before. It was like an ice box in that room.

As you rested your head on your fist, elbow connected to the textbook below, you thought of that devilishly attractive jock who had been giving you hell . You figured that since you were both adults in college, at least one or more of you would act with more maturity. 

No. 

Yesterday, he shoved you into your locker and shut the door. Today, he shoved you on your way to class making you spill your books everywhere. The thought pissed you off, but those eyes-- those damn hard brown eyes. They just made you stick to the floor and go mute. Everyone thought you were afraid and ridiculed you, but truth be told, that jock was the hottest goddamn hunk of muscle you had ever laid your bespectacled eyes upon. You thought you might want to continue the daydream, but--

“(Y/n)? Mister (y/n),” said the teacher up front, “Are you listening? I just called on you to answer a question. A question, might I add, that will be on your quiz at the end of the week.”

“O-Oh, sorry,” you said, startled out of your trance, “I-I um... I just... don’t feel terribly well. I’ll answer now. What was the question again, ma’am?”

The teacher sighed and asked the question again, following with a warning that another instance such as this one would result in points being taken away from the daily grade. Snickers rang out quietly in the room like the pitter patter of rain drops.You felt your cheeks redden but you decided to ignore your peers. You cleared your throat and answered the question, getting it right as you pretty much always do. You were a science major, so you were putting a lot of extra effort into studying for your science courses. Once the class was over, you filed out of the room behind a string of other people. As luck would have it, you didn’t have any more classes that day. They had been cancelled for the final football game of the season, and the professors happened to have sons on the team. You thought football was a rather frivolous sport and a waste of time, but your good friend William managed to convince you to go, at least to support the marching band. This was going to be a very big game for the band, as well. And, according to William, there was going to be an afterparty at the ΛΧΑ house when the game ended.

You were hesitant, but William convinced you to go to both the game and the afterparty, William having reported that Betty Adcock was going to be there and he needed a wingman. You didn’t put much stock in girls, mostly due to the fact you’ve never been attracted to them, but you decided to go anyway. The hope that the handsome jock would be there weighed heavily on your mind.

You went back to your dorm, hiding an embarrassment between your legs the whole way there, trying to avoid interacting with other people. Your roommate wasn’t anywhere to be found, and you assumed he must’ve been in class. You decided to take care of the problem you found yourself with, quickly though because you knew the assholes who lived here came in and out as they pleased, especially since the lock was broken on your door. After, you cleaned your mess, you got a new change of clothes on and you fell onto your bed asleep.

You were jolted awake by William tugging on your arm and shouting at you to wake up.

“(Y/n)! Wake up, (y/n)!” he repeats over and over again before seeing you’re awake, “Come on, the game starts in 2 hours, and I gotta be there in one!”

“The field is literally a ten minute walk from here, William.” you groaned, trying to stuff your face back into your pillow.

“Okay, and if you’re not early, you’re late.” he retorted.

You bit your lip, frustrated, and sigh. “Fine. But at least take me to get a burger or something.”

“You got it. I’ll just shove you into my car and we’ll pop on by the diner before we go to the field.”

“Sounds good. Will I need to pay you back?”

“Not at all, don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks.”

“Much obliged.”

You hopped up, slipping on your shoes and following your friend out of the dorm complex and into his cherry red Nomad. The musical stylings of Elvis poured into your ears like warm milk into a kitty dish from the radio. You hummed and tapped your fingers along to the beat. You were both at the diner in a flash. It wasn’t packed like it usually is on game day, which came as a surprise since it was such a hotspot in that rinky dink little college town you lived in. It was nice, though, since you were rather anxious about social situations. William parked and cut the engine off before getting out with you following suit. There were a few girls in the diner and a couple of greasers in the back smoking cigarettes. The smoke smelled a bit dubious, but you ignored it. It wasn’t the most frightening smell you’d ever had tickle your nose.

You and William sat down at the counter, William giving the lady who worked behind it a quick wink. She smiled politely, but I could tell as soon as she turned around she had rolled her eyes. You could tell by the way she sighed--you understood her pain to some extent. You elbowed William sharply.

“Ow! What the hell, man?!” he whispered under his breath through gritted teeth.

“You really shouldn’t be flirting with every girl you see. Just because they’re nice to you doesn’t mean they like you. She probably deals with creeps every day.” 

“What’s it to you? I’m just trying to get good-”

“Yeah and not every girl you meet is target practice, asshole.”

William looked at you with lips pressed into a thin line before looking at the menu on the wall.

“Just fuckin’ order something.” he grumbled. You could tell he knew you were right but was too full of himself to admit it.

You perused the menu before settling on a cheeseburger, fries, and a strawberry malt. William chose a chicken fried steak, potatoes, and a bottle of coke. You gave your order to the woman working and she took it, giving it to the cook in the window. You both sat there in silence, barely looking at each other. William got his coke first, you got your malt shortly thereafter.

You both didn’t say a word to each other, even after you got your food and ate it. You both paid, left, and got into the car.

After a bit of tense silence, William spoke, apologising for his behaviour and admitting you were right he was being creepy. After that, it was like nothing had happened. You both started talking about anything and everything under the sun, but then while you were in the middle of complaining about the asshole jock who has been giving you problems, William interrupted you.

“You know... the way you talk about him,” he said, “It sounds an awful lot about how I would talk about a girl who used to annoy the hell out of me that I happened to have a major crush on.”

“Joan?”

“Yeah, her.”

“What’re you playing at?” you asked, feeling your stomach tighten in fear.

“I’m just saying,” he said, dropping his voice down to a whisper, “Are you a...you know..?”

“No, I don’t know.” You said, giving a nervous chuckle.

“A...A...” he said, trying to grasp the words, “A...you know, a- a homosexual.”

He whispered the last word in your direction tentatively even though it was just you and him in the car. He parked in front of the football field and killed the engine. You stared at him.

“I...I’m not--”

“Listen, I’m okay with it, you don’t have to act like I’m going to turn you in to the police or anything,” he said.

“Well I kind of have to be that way around everyone. Last time I checked, this is 1955 and being a homosexual is illegal.”

“Yeah, well black folks using the same restrooms as white folks is illegal, too, and that isn’t right either. Law isn’t the pillar of morality.”

“Just don’t let anyone outside of this car hear that.” you laughed.

You two both shared a laugh for a good minute before falling silent. William looked at you with a friendly smile.

“I hope that we both live long enough to see the day people can live together in peace without givin’ a shit about who loves who or who has what skin colour.” he remarked before putting his hand on the door handle and getting out, “Now, come on, I’ve got a few minutes before I have to be in the stands.”

You followed him out, paying the ticket master the fee for the game and then parting ways with your friend. You sat at the front of the bleachers, overlooking the freshly mown and painted grass. The cheerleaders from both teams were already on the grass and practicing their routines, and you could hear the other school’s band rehearsing. The football team was also on the grass, presumably going over plays and runs or whatever those silly meatheads talked about. Something to do with pig skins, you knew that much. As the sky turned from blue to an array of farewell hues, more people filed into the bleachers, talking loudly and making you very nervous. You wanted to escape into the restrooms, but you knew that wouldn’t be the most splendid idea given the last time you did that, you got a new hairstyle courtesy of a player’s hand and the flushing toilet.

Even as the game began and progressed, you found yourself sucked in even though you didn’t understand a single thing about football. Your chest swelled with pride every time your college’s team made a point, especially when that asshole was the one who made the touchdown. While catching a sneaky look at his ass, you noticed the name on the back of his jersey: “DRIVER.”

Driver. A fitting name for such an athletic guy. Even if he was the most attractive jerk you had ever met in your entire life. He gave you hell in high school, and he certainly didn’t cease in college.

After one particular touchdown, however, it appeared that he had seen you. His countenance wasn’t like that which you had been acquainted with several times before. It was actually friendly and loose, unlike his usual hard scowl he usually wore. It seemed like he looked straight into your soul, and you held your breath and blushed. Your face reddened deeper as he winked and blew a sly kiss your way.

No fucking way that just fucking happened. He must have had a girlfriend that sat directly behind you. Right? Right???

You didn’t dare to look, both frozen in your seat and by the crippling social anxiety. You stayed in this haze like this until halftime, making your way out of the field and back into your friend’s car. You said you’d come to support William in the band, but that gesture from that Driver fellow was too much for your little gay heart to handle.

You crawled into the backseat, laying across the cool leather seats, watching your breath come out in plumes in the freezing air. You hoped the game would end soon, and right in the middle of that thought, you fell asleep. It felt like you were awake in a snap because William had apparently found you there, shaking you awake like he had earlier that day.

“You okay, man?” he asked once he realised you were awake.

“Yeah, it’s just... something happened and I needed to come out here to think. I guess I fell asleep before I could really finish thinking.” you said, sitting up and rubbing your face, “Did we win?”

“Oh, not by a fucking longshot. But hey, that means better alcohol at the party.” he answered.

“I guess. But alcohol has never really been my thing.” you said.

“True. More for the rest of us.”

You agreed as you sat back in your seat and waited to be carted away to the frat party. As soon as you both arrived there, there were people all over the lawn, some sucking each others faces off, others sucking other things off, and music pouring out of every possible orifice that the house possessed. It was loud, it was proud, and it had a big crowd. Everything you hated, but dammit, if Driver was here, it would be worth the anxiety.

You and William made your way inside, you especially braving the sounds and smells of it all.

You almost instantly became too overwhelmed for your own good, immediately running to the first bathroom you could get into. Luckily, there wasn’t anyone in there before you, so you just shut the light off and hid in the tub, closing the curtain and hiding. You prayed nobody would follow you, but someone did, flicking the light on and locking the door.

Oh, shit.

The person’s heavy footsteps and sultry breathing gave their identity away immediately. It was the asshole jock. The outrageously attractive Driver. He began whistling to himself before stopping by the toilet, acting like he was going to use it before turning to the tub and furiously pushing the curtain to the side. He saw you, eyes wide in terror, cheeks red in arousal and embarrassment. You barely got two words out before his glare choked you and that grin--that fucking grin--made it impossible for you to function.

“So,” he said, picking you up by the back of your collar, leading you out of the tub and pressing your back against the bathroom door. It came naturally to you, following him, almost as naturally as you were already twitching in your pants for him, “Do you know what happens to geeks who hide away in the parking lot after becoming too flustered to function?”

“How do you--”

“And do you know what happens when they have the balls to show up to your frat party uninvited, only to hide away in the bathroom?” his voice was deep, his words were dark and cutting. It drove you mad with lust and fear.

“W-W-What happens?” you piped up tentatively, your breathing laboured and heavy.

He pressed up against you, making you let out a whiney moan. God, how you wished he would just bend you over the sink and fuck you into oblivion.

“Oh, so you’re a squealer? I like that.” he said, leaning to whisper into your ear, “I like that a lot. It drives me fucking insane.”

“I-I can do more.” you said, your lips parted in anticipation. You licked them and gulped nervously.

He pulled away from your ear, looking at your moist lips with a deep hunger and closing the gap between you two, kissing you with such ferocity, it would make even the devil gasp in disbelief. You whined against his fevered lips, silently begging for release. You could feel his own length cry out against his own pants.

After what felt like eternity, he pulled away, still making fervent eye contact with you.

“We both want it,” he said, “But do you want me to take it?”

“Take wha--” you stopped yourself before realising what it was he wanted to take from you, and then answered with: “Yes. God in heaven above, yes.”

He undid his own pants, freeing his own impressive erection first. You stared at it in its pale, lurid glory. The tip was quite a furious pink, one that begged quietly for pleasure. After that, he undid your pants, dropping them to the floor while your own erection stood in wait for its own release. Yours appeared to be less a passionate pink than his. He’d apparently been craving this longer than you have.

“W-Wait,” you said as he bent you over the sink’s edge, “What’s your name?”

He groaned, having rested his feverish dick on your ass, “Adam.”

“I-I’m (y/n).”

“Nice name. Nicer ass.”

“Th-Thanks--oh god!” you cried out and then bit your lip as he shoved himself into you without so much as a warning.

He pumped into you, slowly at first but picking up the pace at which he thrusted into you. Your mind clouded with pleasure, lust, passion, and everything that followed being fucked into oblivion by the hottest guy in probably all of existence. You hoped it would never end, but the knot in your stomach made you realise just how close you were to climaxing.

“Oh, I-I’m gonna...I’m gonna...” you whined.

“Not before I do.” Adam said, his voice husky, reaching around to clamp a thumb and a finger around the base of your throbbing dick. The pain that followed the denial was so excruciating, so enthralling--it was impossibly good.

“P-Please,” you begged, “Please, l-let me--”

“N-Not until after I do.” he insisted.

He started drilling into you, his hips clapping rhythmically against your ass. The pain and pleasure mixing together like hot honey and sugar made your brain cells explode like fire works. You started weeping, begging for climax, dick twitching in an effort to find some sort of relief.

It wasn’t long before you felt him empty his load into you. It was so hot and made you feel so full--some of it leaked out of your ass and onto the floor. He loosened his grip and wrapped his whole hand around your pleading member.

“Now you can. But only at my say-so.” he said.

You whined and moaned as he touched you, gliding his surprisingly smooth hands up and down your shaft. He was going slowly, teasing you.

“Please, please let me cum, Adam.” you begged, “Please.”

“Sorry, can’t hear you.” he said, “You’re going to have to talk a little louder.”

You could hear the grin in his voice. If you weren’t so weak right now, you’d want to smack the daylights out of him. But all you could do was beg. He had you right where he wanted you.

“Come on, (y/n),” he teased, “You can do so much better than that. I’ve heard you in the showers in the dorms before. Such an adorable little voice you have when you’re screaming my name when you think no one else is around.”

You blushed madly at the thought that he had heard you masturbating to the thought of him. It also turned you on a hell of a lot more, especially since he thought it was cute.

“I’m not hearing anything, (y/n).” he said, “Come on. I know you’ve got it in you.”

You gulped and let out a shaky breath. “P-Please let me c-cum, Adam.”

“Better,” he said, gaining a little speed, “But not loud enough. Try again.”

“Please, Adam! Please!” you said, borderline shouting.

He picked up the pace. You could feel yourself teetering right on the edge of pleasure.

“Please, for the love of god, please let me cum!” you begged, to which Adam picked up the pace one final time before finally allowing you to have your very messy release.

Your mind was hazy, and your dick was content with your climax. As your heart thrummed wildly in your chest, hammering away, Adam got you both cleaned up, cleaned up the bathroom, and then led you to the door. Before he unlocked it to turn you loose to the party, he grabbed you softly, but sternly by the neck and looked you in the eyes before whispering to you,

“You’re mine, (y/n).” 

This statement made you quiver, even worse when he kissed you a final time.

“Now have a good time at the party. If anyone gives you trouble...I’ll give them a taste of hell.”

THANKS FOR READING! Hooboy that was *fans self* lord have mercy...

[thingalien-blog]

Memories are the things that hold us to the conception of who we are. Without a basis of the past the present is entirely nothing. However when it comes to trying to recreate a basis of who you are when your entire rational concept is falling down around you like jenga blocks you have to only live by faith that it will get better. That reality will somehow fix or mend itself.

A girl I know named Onne had a rational view of the world. Magic was something that happened in her dreams. Not raised with any basis of religion, miracles were things of fiction, hopeful yet not realistic. Loving Harry Potter as a child, movies about ghosts as well as magical abilities excited her yet this wasn’t apparent in the “actual” world. Onne saw herself as another brick in the wall. Not special, not anything. She played sports in school, did theatre too, as well as speech and debate. The world showed her this was it. Brief glimpses of tragedy struck her life, she got into some fights, ego disagreements with people. She became depressed after being assaulted at a party. This depression grew a longing within her for more. An attraction to spirituality gave her a purpose. However, reality was still appearing stagnant. People were all one yet all separate entities just like her. She didn’t have a purpose. It was fine with her. She became really active on social media as a vegan eco warrior instead of her previous ways of highlighting her sexuality as well as arguing with people who wouldn’t approve. People liked how she selflessly cared for defending the beings of this world. She thought it wise to share every bit of wisdom she had. It was entirely too personal at times.

Her parents made her go to college after high school. She was reluctant to go because of her annoyance with the way school was. Exams to her were a large waste of time, college didn’t seem to be a way out of anything. Joining the working world seemed to be lifeless. She persisted, going anyway. Every day she drove 30 minutes to class, then 30 minutes home. It was boring. The only relief she had in life was her boyfriend which she barely loved, love is also a fictional form of magic she didn’t understand. It was nice to have some attention, when people stroked her ego it gave her a purpose. Relationships were intense for Onne. Fights happened often. She blamed her parents. She met an online guide a facebook group where she posted a lot of her personal life, getting advice she didn’t get in the world. Thinking it didn’t exist outside the basis of the group, there became more of a reason to isolate herself from the others.

Onne had an idea to go to Hawaii for university like one of the girls in the group did. She seemed very happy there. She had a boyfriend at the time who was upset she was leaving. Onne and her family also went to Hawaii after her highschool graduation. Eventually her parents paid to let her go. Her mom went with her bought her some things like sheets, plates, a blender, for the dorm. Having a roommate was weird for Onne. Before this she posted on her social media that she was a nudist. Oh, also she was doing nude modeling online for money on the side as she barely made some working tirelessly as a daycare worker for 4 gruesome years. So she liked sleeping alone, naked. Anyway, being a weirdo on social media with followers yet positive vegan girl whos never lived anywhere but Las Vegas with her parents she didn’t know if she’d make friends. She did make many friends. She was nice, really down to Earth. Too much for her own good honestly. She met a lot of different kinds of people. She loved nature. To her it was a paradise, for the first semester. A group of friends instantly came to her side, she loved them. It was nice to have people to always go to the dining hall with or hangout where you lived. It was always happy with them, however there wasn’t much of a depth she craved in human connection in the group setting at least. They were always there for each other though. She met people who she had a depth with, which developed into growing her capacity for human connection further.

Each of these people ignited a fire in her she didn’t realize she had. Romantic or sexual feelings came for some, however it was not the same as before she had left. There was a new freedom to it the depth created. The classes she was taking also seemed to synchronize with the experiences she would have in the world with people, as a sociology/ philosophy major. She also moved into her own room, where there was plenty of time for contemplation. Then came the books she found which were about magic, mystical things. These combined happened to ignite a light in her mind that is not capable of becoming dim, only growing stronger. Onne had a very hard time expressing her thoughts to people however. She had never been confident in public speaking or speaking her ideas to people in general. Years of awkward communications with people, social media speak, watching more movies then talking to people probably add to this, yet she tried. Taking a communications class she tried, yet backed out of presenting herself to others out of fear. It didn’t matter, as long as she trusted herself she believed it was fine. Maintaining communication with people she trusted as well as just being with herself meditating she got answers she needed. Power moves, competition within communication she didn’t realize it as a facete of everything. She began getting real good at being with her own energy.

Eventually things in her reality became super synchronized. There were things going on she didn’t know how to explain. The manifestations of her mind, the past present connection all exploded on her quite fast. She got a thrill of it, yet realizing how everyone is a channel to her about her, everyone knows everything puzzled her. The simulation unraveled, her life was finally for her. The world sang for her, every song was actually for her. Especially conversations at the music joints. Even the entire university musical. Each word in the books matcher her thoughts. Every second, every person, everything in her reality. She got up a level, however, was stuck in a sort of limbo there, without a guide. The idea to leave the island came quick. She felt trapped, having the bright idea to move to Oregon. She left behind a lot of stuff, those few nights before she left were very intense. The thing she wished she had right now was the papers with the comments her teachers made underlined on it, giving her an insight into the truth of her writing. Going to the airport saying goodbye to a good friend, who gave her a folder filled with advice for her. She noticed some boxes that said GF that scared her. Onne also recollected the beach said, “science and technology.” Packing up was a total nightmare, she knew she had to leave a lot however she didn’t realize the whole thing was like a “you’re getting to live in the US” she literally had to open a card with her social security card in it as well as her friend having a mini sombrero in her truck. Winter break going home was not like this at all. Going to the airport in a lyft the next day she noticed the same “science and technology,” sign. Her whole energy was different. She felt like she could take over the world yet she was afraid of things. Another close friend took a picture of her and put it on his story. Everything got so personal. Every person spoke for her, everything on the TV at the airport for her. She mattered.

Onne didn’t eat much of anything that day. She went through the radiation thing at the airport empowered instead of afraid. A kid said “why would you choose to be a girl?” another two guys said “she needs to swallow.” She found a classmate of hers in the airport who was going back to Alaska, she said she would be in the ocean there. Onne joked saying there’s pools in Las Vegas, looking back she was wondering if she missed something. Onne lost her keys in the airport, they were in a place she didn’t put them at all. She called her mom, the music got louder at the airport when she mentioned Handmaid’s Tale, her mom asked her if she was sure she wanted to come home. Sitting waiting to board the plane, she heard someone say “she’s not related to anyone.” She felt so all knowing. She was all encompassing. She sat in between a couple and a man. The man had a pillow news paper like with things such as “America now a nickel ” he pulled out a book which was for her, so did the lady with her husband. His book said “your ego is too big.” he said he worked for state farm. Onne thought, no way, I have not felt this powerful in my entire life. Her book said “you will be going with the CIA..” her husbands said things about god, the 4th heaven or something. Her book was describing the turn of events which would transpire once she landed. The movies on the screen were very personal too her especially, Juliet naked. The flight attendants spoke of things also for her, furikake chips, head shoulders knees and toes as well as people seeming to evaluate her with these health pens with the fuzzy hair saying, “she will do this again, she will be a teacher”. Onne got upset, feeling like she messed it all up. She was losing face. Wondering how to redeem herself she just wanted to stay quiet, trying to meditate, breathe, feel the energy. Onne got nervous, being in a confined space, talking to this man which reminded her of someone she knew, the couple too. Onne wrote something about the roles we play in her notes sporadically after noticing the man do it next to her. The woman then said, “that just blows your agency don’t do that.”

Afterward, she found herself walking through the airport. The man she sat next to look incredibly concerned as she walked away, he stood next to his wife. Onne grabbed her stuff, realizing nothing was or will ever be the same. She saw a book that said “the Urban Indian.” She was everything. She saw an indian woman wearing florence the machine shirt, which her songs were written just for her after the night with a friend/lover in this personally haunted house. When they broke it off his friend also said he was the destroyer of worlds, jokingly yet she would hear this in her head for a while after as things got increasingly more weird.

Pig flew on plane to deliver a pizza. The delivery was to the west world. In the west world lived her parents who she has lived with her whole life. The west world this time was different for pig. Pig scientifically learned how to accelerate past the sound barrier either with her friend Mouse or her own magical ability. People always talked about Pig. The tv always had something just for her. It didn’t before or maybe she didn’t notice. Pig enjoyed this as much as it got in the way with her focus ability. Pig is so used to telling her truth, she doesn’t wanna talk. There are many ways of speaking that go un spoken. Pig is big in uncovering the hidden. Pig sees things as being programmed in her. Like pig is something created by something else or in something created by something else. Pig delivered the thing. The thing was poorly received. Pig didn’t know what to do she hates being displeased or displeasing others. Carly the cat is good friends with pig they are one in the same. Carly realizes that there’s a lot in common with Pig. They work together to communicate. Carly the cat also delivers things like batteries. The past memories they loved talking about together. They also enjoyed puzzles and making collages. Nostalgia always arises when she sees a post from a friend online there it can go into a collage. They once went to a boarding school together after they went to separate universities, that’s where they got quite aquatinted. This boarding school housed many animals studying various things, nursing, labor, agriculture, science, and robotics just to name a few. Things got overwhelming for Carly but not for Pig as she got comfort in the fact that at least there were the small comforts such as food and clothing to get her through the day. Carly thought it was much to rigorous and different compared to any school she had been to before. No one had told her it was this hard however Pig was there for her to lean on. Carly fought when things were unfair, Pig took what she could and powered through tough lessons like robotics and animal testing. Reading books and watching movies was something they both enjoyed as well. Carly starred in a few movies as she partook in acting as a hobby.

Her parents arent really her parents and in this hell every single scary movie shes seen is becoming real while every happy comedy romantic piece of lies she resents. Typing this hearing the words from her once clear as day real father say “im sending her back,” back to a psychiatric hospital as they lie, where it’s really just walmart for humans. I don’t even care anymore to write this in hidden calligraphy. This is coping. This is reality now. Red pill in blue pill light. Acting is only fun when you get paid. I signed my rights away I think. I asked to see the paper again and was told they weren’t there. If I am being lied to I have it in writing that I didn’t know what was going on. I signed for PRN which i didnt understand what that meant. I was in a psycho numbed state and my own beloved or supposed to be beloved father tricked me into signing it. I am distraught. I am tired of lying. I am a cow cat like all women and I am nothing. This brain which I so do love and this body are just vessels for a FUCKING tired spirit. The movies such as get out and Us tell a story, handmaids tale, fucking south park, futurama, all animes, all shows only show a snippit of reality misleading an entire lifetime. I did Nazi that camp coming. I can only imagine whats to come. I wish I knew. I am going to wake up remembering nothing or something if I am lucky. I think theyre going to have me play basketball. I fucking hate moving my body lately I have no motivation. I have seen the nothingness of the hosts bodies that were in there. I could make them say things not entirely at will but it was all about me. I don’t understand why or how this much energy is being spent on me or how i didnt see it all that time. I wonder if there was even a time before. Like maybe i was dreaming and implanted all my prior memories of living in Las Vegas. Or the bible and the 7 heavens is true and I have reached the 6th. Where supposed deception from the devil runs rampant. I know people can watch this through my eyes or gods not people, as well as through cameras placed all around me, somehow. I know all this is going to sound crazy. I remember my college professor saying to hide journals in case someone becomes president and I think I fucked up my chances. I left a lot of crazy rambling journals but this is the worst one. Does it really matter? If I become president they will need to program a lot in me anyway. I was like the movie Lucy before they got me on these meds and I eat everything. I knew things, I put 2 & 2 together in ways to help me understand. I led my team to the top. I didn’t need a lot of food, or any. Now i am a low powered tank caboose that christopher will pull aside and say hey we need you, you know what youre doing. Everytime I eat I think about how it is weighing me down, but I am getting lazy, sick, tired and it gives me slight pleasures, more than almost anything else. I have little desire to adventure, I tried to go to San francisco and was met with the Deez nuts guy from vine as well as people talking about eating me. Then i tried walking downtown past 4th street, seeing a vanguard club a family of 4 told me I was too competative, I got a picture of this street on my phone. Across from vanguard was a place that had some stomach disease, another place next to it another fatal thing. The family frantically told me to leave, i tured and didnt look back. I was mortified, but not even surprised anymore. The shit that goes on in reality is mind bending, but I am playing it safe now. I know I lose either way, but I am not going to keep looking for answers I don’t have anymore questions, this power thing goes deep. The only real question is what are my real abilities? Also, am I as powerful of a creator as the guy in the sprouts who changed the number of calories on my ice cream then took a video of me noticing while telling his friend he got it and will send me to prison because i then put it back because it was an unlucky number. Prison, people (maybe only women?) can go to prison for noticing patterns and changes in numbers. I wanted to know more so i stood by him, it made him slightly uncomfortable, as well as me. They are everywhere. Apparently i am an alien. I am not sure how alien and hawaii trade program works but it isn’t cool. I wish i had more of an understanding of how much exists and how not to talk about it. My poker face is so bad. So bad. When I hear my dad say im going back, I am supposed to just pretend I didn’t. I don’t know when I will have access to the internet again. I might have to be in a home where people are the blankets and I am the one being married off to someone, where my ex boyfriends mom is the guarding woman in charge and my virginity, more importantly my virginity from food, katniss fucking everdeen is up for rent. My memories, my voice, my personhood is not worthy not practiced, not existent. I constantly am around robots or people who want to use my power for cars, bikes, movies, sports games, sex with a piece of my spirit while im asleep all that. Where the past me tells a guiding story for future me to follow. Showers are dangerous, my brother created me, my parents arent really my parents, unless everyones parents are like this. I remember all the fun I had thinking that was ALL i will have the normal life. It wasn’t boring yet so why did this have to happen so soon? I am a prodigy, but they say i am aging. I go to doctors appointments and I hear someone say i am a little yellow so i can still do things. Minion, I was yellow, I am yellow enough to be naive enough to get pushed around however I saw that it was an act thats how I got this far. I became too texas, now im not texas enough, lone star i mean. This act I am not sure what is coming next but I get to sign before I partake. I know my parents use me, my brother uses me, anyone who doesn’t tell me the reality is using me. Because I DON’T know what is going on. Right now i am supposed to act as a girl who got out of a hospital who is going back to school, living with her parents, in this reality, parents are normal not omnipresent, not all knowing. In this reality i am not a handmade (i was hand- made by them) ( to be a handmaid). In this reality i am delusional. In this reality we dont talk about these things. If i am meant to seek pain this is painful. I know these people will screw me over. I ask for what I want, I genuinely want to live on my own and go to university again. I want to graduate. I want to travel, have friends. I have been in the elopement room, the hospital, the man asked me where I learned to sleep when I realized I was lied to so extensively, as well as my contacts being unnecessary. I am limitless truly however I am crippled by my captors. I told my mom how I wanted to go back to the power hospital, i get heart pain but its just an excuse, if i can go back there I can get my vision back as well as my strength. I can get to see the truth again; science in its realest form. I dream of working with them, knowing all there is to know about reality. I want to be immersed. I want to be all enlightened. My ex boyfriends friend worked there, I want to work there too. I swear he came in a different form to the psych hospital, he came and threw away a chocolate milk to make a statement of throwing me away when I turned black. Also, I know mirrors lie. My true color is not on the outside. Only certain people can see me as i am. I cant. I wonder when I will, if I will, why they can. I came here to see old pictures, writings, notebooks filled with info relevant to me in present day. Its as if there really was a team of people using all these things to guide me a direction, testing me. I hear yawning, if I stay up all night they cant harness my life force energy, something my mom said she does jokingly however i know people can do that and if I am the only living thing with youth then it is possible. I do feel tired when i wake up, i have been sleeping more and remembering nothing of my dreams. People can probably purchase my dreams from the hive mind just like they can watch through my eyes. I want to be offered a deal, eternal knowing for the price of whatever but give me the knowing, as well as protection from being eaten alive, let me exist in this world like I am now, just with the knowledge of how deep the rabbit hole is. I know i am a rat, however there is little other way to be. I am amanda, cameron, sabrina, etc. the eating thing is a kink someone has. I am on 4chan or something, i keep looking on there to see if i can find myself. In the hospital they recorded my thoughts. I can sometimes hear peoples thoughts. I might turn into a dog. Thats how i got out of the hospital, I ate, I was told I will become like this obese woman wearing a dog collar who got cleaned by what looked like her mother in the meeting room. She knew I would be like her, however she said i will be a “bork” one. Which means they dont like me. I didnt give the guy the list of foods I like so he didn’t like me. I was just scared and resentful for the trade didn’t make sense. Either I lose myself in there trying to learn around hosts and buyers who intentionally misled me while trying to visit with my parents who didnt want me to know what was going on and take the meds act normal or I ate and promised I would rememeber. I am already getting too comfortable, fatter, and actually too trusting. Since I heard I am going back I decided why not write this? If I go back I might get turned into an 11, stranger things style. They said that in the hospital, pretty sure some lady wanted to buy my long hair too, she eventually left, her checkbook said Payne on it. Money is pain, I dont understand its exchange here. I am supposed to get it from acting like normal, but who do i get it from. I can’t see my audience, and i feel like if i ask for it too much it ruins the normal act. I am the most helpless thing in this house. I also hate the color purple lately. I am surrounded by it, there is red and blue I am in its entanglement. The pictures on my phone back to 2016-17 with mason tell a story for the present as well. How do the creators have time, capabilities to create this for us all? They said i would be in the military in power hospital, because i couldnt afford to be there is this a military test? Like atoms can be tested on. Am i the test. I am the mission. All the memories of highschool are plants to get me to do something in the present and future. What do you want me to do? I might get eaten anyway they said “theres your food mr Wirjo” to a doctor there. I didn’t even try to get away enough, I figured I’d get eaten. I hoped that staying here would be best but I don’t know anymore. I leave for colorado in a few days, maybe that will help me understand.

Even after becoming free from this, weeks later the way everyone knew her stil happened, that bewildered her yet it seemed to happen less and less, her energy ran low and with that so did the bewilderment. Still, a woman gave her a quiche at a cafe yet she didnt order a quiche. Somehow eople tap into the role she played as Mother Mary Magledine, Katniss Everdeen with the cups and the egg ruining if I ate, whenever I ate on a Sunday, it was quiche or deviled eggs to mock the desecration of my eggs from eating. I didn’t have a choice, both choices were bad however I couldn’t comprehend the fact that I thought i needed food to survive, now i dont but yet the reason i was in the hospital was because I needed to eat. Coming back from the kitchen there was the sign “elopement room.” No one eloped with her. She barely spoke a word to people. She didn’t know what was going on, when she would get out, what she looked like to others and what could become of her if she said too much.

The eating too much could be the cause of her low energy however she knows the world is now for her, every time she walks into a new place it gives her a chance to hear what others say about her. She thought this was all her parents fault however her dad kept saying, the sooner you realize its not the better it is. Maybe its not? Maybe it was because I reached past a caste system that I was meant to go through this act. I wonder what else will happen and when. I go back to University, well i am now reminded of when I went to give in papers to transfer and heard someone say “whore” as well as multiple yellow signs with the word “reset” on them with arrows. Am I doing this wrong? Should i be okay with sitting at home all day? Am I meant to be doing things with my family that I don’t know? I maybe am whoring the system by having there be another university scene yet I don’t know what to do. I have to go to therapists and talk about how I am getting better normal. I am supposed to have goals my only real goal is to figure this out. I really miss marijuana. I miss my friends from hawaii. I miss the space I had to figure things out. I miss people understanding my matrix journey. I have no one to share this writing with that i know will appreciate in the flesh. I dont feel like sending it. I dont feel like i can. I know im being white beared (black mirror style). I know this is being watched. I dont know why. I dont know how. I might be forced to blue pill forever, or i might be pulled back in. I know that I am doing myself a disservice eating, but it feels good  to sustain myself in excess right now. There are signs all over the house about certain things, also there was a house K took me to in hawaii that had things all over that were for me and scared me. Its like it was preparing me. I don’t get this. She went to the 99 cents store in the beginning and still doing her dance of energy and there was a black woman doing the same thing telling her to go shaking her head. We arent in kansas anymore vegas. Not sure where we are, but the feeling of fullness saciates my fear. I dont understand how my dad cares about when people die on tv yet i went through things worse than death and he doesn’t seem to understand that death at somepoints wouldve been nice. I dont know how long ill have to be here. The only joy i get is from food i have no inspiration just questions rage and confusion. Llama llama red pijama, what memories did i have before this life? Will these people keep me here as Cat (name deleted for privacy) or will I be forced to leave again? They told me i was adopted in the hospital. By the law. I wonder if this is all according to plan or if I am in hell? Can souls be adopted into bodies? Is that what i am? Forced to play a role until i can no longer when i see beyond it or when i become of no use.

The bible i read from a friend said we need to travel when god tells us to and return. This is what hawaii was for me? God wanted me to come back to the nothingness that is the now the confusion more so i dont know what to call it. When i got out of the hospital was the same time area 51 raid meme thing was happening, i am an alien cat or dog depending on what they say. They said princess DIE anna, why wont you die one nurse who reminded me a lot of my exs mom especially i remember she used his name, they both had different bodies but i know that souls can change bodies now. A mom of one of the girls with me in the hospital said to the nurse “i want to switch to her mom” and came back as mom when before she was a friend or something. Also sock colors said deroyal on some people and nothing on others, indicating royalty, i was royal. I was in the god room. It had a picture of stars, everything was for me.

There was a woman reading a book called mentor who said she was Angies list, i was a business in itself but i was too afraid to ask her for help. I saw some of it and it said “you are now in a prison of your own mind what type of person do you want to be when you get out”  i wish i knew the name of that book and who she really is, she seemed like a host at first but when i started eating everyone seemed real, we are all in this simulation obviously however i shouldve listened to the guides… i shouldve asked them questions because im not getting any answers here just more regrets. However if i spoke too much and they knew i knew maybe i wouldve been wiped of my memories like i feared. They also said id be going back in the future, oh god i hope not, but as the days go by and i hear more from my dad saying ill be sent back i cant be too sure ill be here much longer.

They said my parents were african, they wanted to make me black, in the black meaning excluded. I was pure, I had understanding and control over my sexual experiences. I got things twisted however i am going to take this feeling back. I live in a house where male pleasure is favored, i will switch this up and prioritize my pleasures no matter what as I am capable. However i am scared, they have taken from me grays a fucking natomy. Wasted paris. I wasted the time everything was romantic for me. I deserve better, ill get there again soon. I need to be doing me though. I keep thinking ill wake up and be someone else or be wiped of my memory but it isnt that simple. No education prepared me for this battle. In fact it filled my mind with information that I well, not entirely true. The end there everything was meaningful. It will be like that again. It is like that none the less. I just hope i am not more taken advantage of then i already am here, my pleasure and energy levels just get down however leaving the house would be difficult since i hear people say im going to get eaten. There are animal shelters for people.  

John 3:16 eternal life something or other, the quote from forever 21 bags. Its literally in the name that i will always be 21, im maxxed out now but i want to at least live until im 40. I want to age well, i want to have kids and a husband. I want it all. Wish this was real. Galactic handmaids tale shit. The rotating palms of las vegas i am a part of. My friend who knows whats going on i think made a post saying “her heart will break it always does” when i find out more as i go i hope to know all. I hope i can have this knowing wherever i go next.

There was a woman reading a book called mentor who said she was Angies list, i was a business in itself but i was too afraid to ask her for help. I saw some of it and it said “you are now in a prison of your own mind what type of person do you want to be when you get out”  i wish i knew the name of that book and who she really is, she seemed like a host at first but when i started eating everyone seemed real, we are all in this simulation obviously however i shouldve listened to the guides… i shouldve asked them questions because im not getting any answers here just more regrets. However if i spoke too much and they knew i knew maybe i wouldve been wiped of my memories like i feared. They also said id be going back in the future, oh god i hope not, but as the days go by and i hear more from my dad saying ill be sent back i cant be too sure ill be here much longer.

They said my parents were african, they wanted to make me black, in the black meaning excluded. I was pure, I had understanding and control over my sexual experiences. I got things twisted however i am going to take this feeling back. I live in a house where male pleasure is favored, i will switch this up and prioritize my pleasures no matter what as I am capable. However i am scared, they have taken from me grays a fucking natomy. Wasted paris. I wasted the time everything was romantic for me. I deserve better, ill get there again soon. I need to be doing me though. I keep thinking ill wake up and be someone else or be wiped of my memory but it isnt that simple. No education prepared me for this battle. In fact it filled my mind with information that I well, not entirely true. The end there everything was meaningful. It will be like that again. It is like that none the less. I just hope i am not more taken advantage of then i already am here, my pleasure and energy levels just get down however leaving the house would be difficult since i hear people say im going to get eaten. There are animal shelters for people.  

John 3:16 eternal life something or other, the quote from forever 21 bags. Its literally in the name that i will always be 21, im maxxed out now but i want to at least live until im 40. I want to age well, i want to have kids and a husband. I want it all. Wish this was real. Galactic handmaids tale shit. The rotating palms of las vegas i am a part of. My friend who knows whats going on i think made a post saying “her heart will break it always does” when i find out more as i go i hope to know all. I hope i can have this knowing wherever i go next.

This one guy with the word “allergy” on his wristband kept saying things like “robots without instruction manuals” while he was in the hospital. He’d write a bunch of number sequences. There was another guy who was reading the book Dune. He had a shirt “girls of Baja” people that would visit him were his family he was British or something. I never asked him what the book was it’s a popular sci-fi. The soccer game I think he used me to power one time said “electricity and light district”. That must be where I live. A guy in a scion came out of his car at the airport with a shirt that said “electric family” on it when I first got here. Another guy who left to freemont street which I wish I followed in the beginning he exclaimed “I thought this was going to be a movie!”. Aliens watch the Earth dramas.

My friend saphira hints on instagram about things, one was a glass elevator drawing, where it overlooks everything yet everyone can see you from down there also. I wish I screenshotted it. Another thing was the, “one cat for every car.” She took a video of cats on her cars.

At the baseball game I went to with my family I heard that I was going to get fat because I can’t get love. I wonder if that is true. I don’t vibe with any people on tinder and I really don’t want to have sex and damage this thing of my holy virginity. I feel like this thing has to repeat itself. I don’t know why. I’ll go away to school again and have this again.

Publish or parish, along with me goes my recollection. I just went to Colorado to visit L and it was so magical. Vegas started feeling the same, and that was fine and all just little simulation. Eating and loss of power is so correlated and even when I eat little and want to get a drink I’m reminded that it’s hurting me or turning me into a butter producing person. Westbound and down buffalo restaurant was one of the list of choices to go to before we left. I chose clear creek there were people there who eased my fears. I no longer have the fear of being burnt alive or ground up or brutally tourtured because my consciousness will go into another form? at least that’s what they say and I can be upgraded to have 6 level conversations all the time with the use of new iPhones and things, there are many families who will adopt people who can fly up to high elevation with no feel like a Tesla model x. However my baby Jesus died on the plane ride coming back and this is going to be very jumbled thoughts. As soon as I felt the blood drop in my pants a child behind me said “a baby just died!” and a black woman said something like, “I pulled that right out of her” I was so sad and scared, last time I had my period I was sent to the hospital shortly after, I think i am meant to carry babies without intercourse which I was told was the only way to have a child. On the way to Colorado I sat next to a woman and her daughter. The woman had a bag saying Hudson and a magazine that read “the fat torch” she talked about uncle Darin something about that and wrote in pen on her daughters notebook “Carly is a mom” and “I like Belle.” Carly is supposed to be me and beauty and the beast?

People could see I was red in the airport. One person said I was a broke baby, which is true, I am poor in wisdom, money and love at the moment it is making me irrational, afraid and confused. When I arrived and saw L who I know knows all I do somehow, she gave me a juice and the stereo played magic fm and of course it felt magically synched to our life. It felt like she wanted me to ask to stay at her house, or I could have stayed if I wanted to. We facetimed E our friend from university, she mentioned this show called Letter Kenny where they are religious but not and talk weird, I too was talking weird not the same but I don’t just speak whats on my mind because I fear and like to calculate it. Immediately I noticed the book shelf with so many books about women queens in red, falling, ruling, war. There were strange things like a drawing and writing about mufasa’s ghost on her fridge. Then her roomate wrote a big list I wish i took a picture of about the chosen, fight, forgetting, rising, things like that I wish I had in memory. I didn’t eat much again there. Laura had trash in this room were all things I had bought, oranges, lifeproof case, amazon. Her stuffed animals were a bunny, banana, purple pillow. There was a glass heart with the words “youll always be my Nina – love Tyler” I thought of the OA named Nina and wondered if my uncle created the programming or the name Tyler meaning tile maker. My uncle was going to colorado to perform comedy around the same time I wondered if it was correlated and my fear of being turned into a host with no remembrance totally anarchy like Aracellie from the hospital. In the library the books stood out at me were something about female, politics and then total anarchy. Like being a female meant for being a totally open host consciousness? If so i don’t want, I like reserving my openness. The smell of hookah came back as well as knowing that I was a machine. I also heard the term beer bot for my ability to pee. We went to a place called the garden of the gods. There was a trading post, where I got nervous Laura the god as she clearly was higher than me or is, wanted to trade me to a new god, which would be ok with me if they were a nice god. If laura was my god she was the one creating all the chaos and going to make me disabled or less than what I want out of my life? I saw a man who reminded me of M and a woman who reminded me of my old coworker boss at the city of henderson. They were together, it made me question if they truly are together and Mason and I relationship wasn’t truly real. They took our picture for us, it made me uncomfortable. I knew it was something that I made it into these places. We went to a club called the Mansion, where they stamped us with a dog print I thought of mary saying dog = god. Before that we got tacos with L and her coworkers. She showed me a text before this with her group chat and on the top it said “i’m so glad Camisha is coming” i thought I was camisha because I am on cam for her to see, her and whoever else has the capability to watch people. There was a person named Camisha I sat next to at the taco place, a black woman with 2 other black girls. It seemed like they were recruiting, as well as another girl who reminded me of Dallas and another who reminded me of Rebecca except they both were like mothers. I feel like I could have become their child. There was a lot going on, I kept getting insight that I needed to sell myself, prove my worth, litigate like L talked about when the bob marley song came on. In the club, there were people that reminded me of those I used to know. It was virtural reality. L said its like a mirror. I danced with guys. One was Joaquin, Brendan, S’s gf N. I even saw someone who reminded me of E and L confirmed it. I keep having psychic moments where I can communicate with thoughts especially with L on this trip. N once said something about going to the club with my mom. L seems more of my mom than my actual mom. N was always saying predictive things. E knew me, and we were connected. He wants me to ascend past this state I’m at, all the people who knew things are hinting at that. I wish I knew how. Once E showed me a show about us like our situation. There was predictive things happening all the time back in Hawaii. It still is yet in conversations with my parents and small talk at school I get it less and less. Perhaps I’m noticing it less it’s still there though. My dreams are it. Anyway back to the story. The girl who sat to the right of me at the taco place was like other N but older, she was like “do you like this?” she seemed stressed out and older. Seems my quest for the top just makes me older and stressed. The higher you go the older you are the harder it gets. The more north I went the closer to the truth it seemed to be though. “Life is a mountain not a beach.” I keep hearing I am getting old, that i am a dinosaur. I need an upgrade I am begging for the future me. I can picture it I just don’t see how to get from point a to point b, I am so in the dark here. N and I were twins, like shake it up chicago we always will find each other. The floor felt like it pulled energy in. Another place we went to before felt like that too, blue mountain realty where Ls dietitian worked, she led this meditation and I kept thinking bad thoughts about what was going to happen. I thought of Blue Mountain State which is this show i remember hearing the word “sloot” from it like slut. I know the dietitian could read my mind. I have now heard the term psychic spys. There were 2 other women there. One was old, maybe 60 and the other early 30s. The early 30’s woman said after talking about showing someone her mom or something. “this is what I do when I have a cut to heal.” I kept thinking I would get burnt at the stake for knowing too much like a witch so I didn’t want to say much. I wish i recorded that meditation though, it worked well to get me higher. After, the dietician talked about how eating meat can make the stress of the animal absorb into the person. That or I literally feared for my life for a whole month in a crazy hospital that defied all my previous notions of reality. I used to meditate more now I am stressed a lot and I blame living here with this family. Anyway,  I realize this isn’t just a meditation place, it was a realty thing. I am realty? Also, after I heard on the radio something about selling my story to random house. If the spy recorded my thoughts, it very well could be stolen from me. I fear that I won’t get credit for my experiences somehow. I know i could make this into a book but is that a real possibility. I could be an author I guess but I won’t know how this ends and there’s so much about the science of it I don’t comprehend. If god can give me visions of this or allow me to know the truth minus the trauma that would be great.

All the signs and shops were meant for me, all the books at goodwill. We went to a vegan restaurant called something owl and there were people like my family and mason minus quintin. They talked about selling me like Get Out. My mom was like what about the fireball and they said we can’t sell that. I can feel my fire getting lessened too. When I ate one of the bartender ladies said to not pollute my planet. The waiter was like Chris, I thought about him and how we stayed at a place called the emerald. Cloud emerald. Its a laboratory company. I know I am an experiment. When I visited Lsschool someone in the parking lot said “it’s too late.”  I kept thinking about Leonard and saw pontiacs and Kurt on the side of one when I drove Ls car.

L and Her roommate C had a bonfire after we drove/hiked to pikes peak, which felt godlike. There were a lot of people there, I kept fearing I would turn into an 11. I am capable of flying up to high places, there are people who want people who can do that? People kept talking about me. There were bigfoot signs and different things. Its an act, yet who are those who are above me in it and how can I get there? I think back to the man in the hospital asking what movies ive been in. That’s a good question I said. I don’t know? Have I acted before this? I mean my memories I guess those are a movie now that I see it that way, I just don’t see time as linear anymore because of what jumps its been doing in the present. When I have a set schedule like school it starts to feel more linear less magical or transcendental. When I went to the psychiatrist I heard someone say “its just going to take longer” maybe I am drawing this ride out, wasting time? What comes next? Do I just act in movies next? Or just sit and power things in a hospital? Do I get adopted into another family? Does my appearance change its form? Do I go somewhere else? At orientation there was a black woman who walked out when I was walking around the hallway after eating (when I probably shouldn’t have ate) to say indirectly “you can’t be privileged going to have to get on the same train as the rest of us or plane” I am guessing referring to the plane I was on coming back from colorado.

L said she was a wolf. We visited her parents, her dad was wearing a tijuana shirt and there were things all around the house like I tried not to pay attention to keep my cool as I thought I was being sold. Her mom said something indirectly about me not being opened up enough, L told me she liked flowers. That this was like a project for L, me opening up. When we got back from pikes peak Ls dad said “im going to keep her i think I love her” about me? Then we went to trader joes and there was a sign outside that said “welcome rainbow high flyer” inside there was a “rainbow wrap for a high flyer” too but it had beets in it so I got a california roll. It was hard for me to pick again. L has a mannequin in her room named lucille and she would put the things we did on her like rock climbing equipment and yoga.  In the bonfire there were people who controlled me. Someone named Viki, Cody, Dj, and some other people. I was really shy, i didn’t know what to say when I heard them talk about me. There was a guy smoking a vape they said “this is your satan” It reminded me of when we got back from pikes peak a sign said “santas helpers” santa is spelled like satan. Anyway, he looked at me like I was so intriguing. I sat next to Cody and the fire started getting big he said “i made her too hot” and I wondered if I controlled fire. Viki took the ipad and said something like “im going to have her do all these” apps or something. I wondered if I had to do whatever someone said by the touch of their ipad. Dj, cody and blake talked about Billie Elish and Anna kendrik being beautiful. We watched some of pitch perfect before sweet home alabama the day before, making me think I had to get on pitch with others and marry. C was upset that there is more friends. I am guessing the fact that i am in college means the plans of having my life change from what I think is normal to the fantastic outer space feelings that I have been having will be halted. Dj reminded me of Kurt i thought of capitan kirk. When I saw him he said “its attracted to me.” There was a girl named Olivia and Annastasia. I thought olivia like i have to be an O to live and Annastasia stays like the Anastasia in the hospital. This Anastasia was talking about being on bumble. I thought I had to be a bumbling be to stay. Blake the fire fighter guy scared me because he was a firefighter and thats how I got to the hospital in the first place, she told me he worked for cryogenic place too and i think that stops aging or does what the energy hospital first did. I remember a woman who looked like me being wheeled around in a wheelchair and them saying that would be what I looked like, which is already what I looked like so it was strange. Anyway blake said “you really are an old lady” when i threw the marshmellow into the fire after eating half of it. Then something like “we all cant ride our bike for breakfast” he was really insecure about his eating or something, and my ability to not want to eat at certain times.  

I thought about b and a movies and how b movies are my life without action, without the brutalism I was experiencing, I am still working for the hive and will remain queen. A movies is ant and building hills I would just be a slave building pyramids again for someone else, I might still be doing that. Anyway after that thought L changes into a bee happy shirt with a bee on it. I told her ive been thinking about bees but i never go into details with my thoughts of what was/is going on between us. She took me to a movie called Free Solo about this guy who climbs high mountain rocks by himself. The guy ate like I did and acted, the way he emotion and spoke like I did. It seemed to parallel the way I climbed to the top where I can see my memories and the events of the past leading to guide me, its all for me. The last thing he climbed was El Capitan. He becomes the captian of his own fate in a way. Yet, it didn’t show his life after El Capitan, because it isn’t simple, it seems the climbing never stops. That drive to red rocks amphitheater was long, there was a street called arapahoe and many self storage units and hotels in random towns. I thought of the lives my consciousness could live, and places its come from or could be going. I thought of the show Atlanta and the emails i get from there. I had a hard time sitting straight during the concert, comedy and movie, which all had to do with us and things we’ve experienced. It felt like I powered everything. I got tips on my phone that helped me, like “boost from mango” which reminded me of the man to my left, I posed like him to help my back from being strained. I feel like I am needed to be a power source in places. I will power things for entertainment and comfort. One thing the comedian said was about feeding dogs vegan food, “why vegan food when they are a dog, dogs eat vomit or something like that” I thought about how I was a dog now and if the food I eat is really something in disguise by the gods.

L said something like “how are spirits made?” I immediately thought back to when I was in the hospital not eating, my body started making these fumes that smelled almost alcohol like, I had never not eaten that long or been in that situation. I wondered if that is how alcohol is made. Alcohol is the spirit of a person who isn’t eating and is likely suffering in my case at least. Those russian vodkas with the sexy robots on it. If you dont eat you become a robot and produce vodka? Wherever our bodies really are our veins, our urine, our breath perhaps contains the ingredients to truly make alcohol. I didn’t tell her this of course, but she knew I knew. Its the spirit of a person. Like those ads for women vagina beer things. I was surprised they actually did that but that is truly how beer is made. Hersheys is just her shits. Bananas are dicks. Anyway, yeah. Like that orphan tears video on youtube, “cry directly in this jar, I will drink it at the bar.” sadness and not eating = vodka.

I write this bc I have either lots of hope or no hope. I can’t tell but I think it’s better written than rotting with me wherever my mind ends up. I don’t want it to backfire on me, since I am in the truman show and stuff. I want this to be a show of my character. Perhaps I share too much, well I am not putting my name on it. This is TMI and I am afraid of sharing but I am afraid of other things I could do more.

I got rid of so much when I left to come here, I was in a state of knowing that things were not the same, i didn’t need things I used to have. However, now that things are stagnant again i find myself upset that I left what I did and I am rebuying a lot. Some are irreplaceable and a lot of money is going to replace things. I don’t really know what I am doing. This all scares me. I wonder if I am wasting time in college, as I know what i learned led up to this, will what I am learning now lead up to something or is it filler?

I am reminded of things such as my friend H always sending me poems about her being a surrogate mother to me. “Hooked up to wires, we couldn’t give you anything less.” Saying she gave me to nice people in the poem however that isn’t really that true. I asked her why she chose that theme and she just said she liked it. I wish I kept the poems, but my parents made my phone reset when I was in the hospital. I suppose I could ask her but we only small talk now. She sends me songs. She posted another thing online about a lab girl, it said they’re always watching. As well as her asking what my favorite play was and having that be the play performed in the theatre, Rent. I wish I had chosen something else but it was nice to have that happen, same with the concert L was in, it was all for me. Even people in the audience mentioned how one of the numbers was Ben and Isaac, when they were my exs from highschool.

Outside of the club there was a man who told L, “you really ruin people” and she said what do you mean he said “you know you do.” I think they talked about me, L may have limited me, maybe she is what started this whole journey down or inward, or it is a mirror of my fear of this such thing happening.

How did people get to know everything I now know and more that I don’t? When will I know all or enough to bypass all things that ail me? I dream of being all knowing, powerful and just. I wish that for me and for the world to have people have their dreams come true, I want to believe in this possibility more than anything. I want to be a true scientist and ruler of my reality. I don’t want to be a garden slug anymore.

I dont think I ever lived for myself or ever can. I am confused of my role in this life. I feel like I am controlled and determined by people outside of me way too much. I don’t know how long this act will go on, it’s getting really annoying, I want help getting to the next stage, if there ever is one. I want to choose my form and reemerge.

Theres so much I don’t see. I felt my ex doing acupuncture on me and heard him and his friends talking when they realized I heard, “she can hear” and then I felt my ears being stuffed with something.

There are people watching me and I know theyre dissapointed in me essentially giving up. H sent me Billy Elish Fingers crossed, about being too far gone, everybody makes it til they don’t.

I can’t open up to anyone. I am writing this hoping they can see honestly. It’s all I have communicating to the ether.

I should get caught up in things I want again, however big the fear, does it really matter?

My choices make up the way the game goes. I want to play my cards right. My options are infinite yet limited in the perception of reality that holds itself more.

Everything is unraveling now, the truth is being let out, started slow now its fast, yet it’s still slow. I wonder if I chose to stay in Hilo if it would be different, probably. I wonder if the more truth comes out the less I am able to live, or will that mean I just ascended. Am I meant to do that? Am I doing this right? I want more truth, more understanding.

I want to be a rich woman who travels the world and makes love to it. I want to love people and know things. I want to understand modern science like the energy hospital and human robotics. I want to see what I can’t currently. I want to hear as well, all the senses for the world beyond my usual comprehension. I want to be able to transcend dimensions and space time. I want to have friends who do the same. I want to dance as I do this, I want to be free from the hold. I want to know famous people. I want to meet others who have completed these goals too. I want to be an astronaut if space is real. I want to go beyond average human capacity for knowledge. I want to read minds. I want to have my own helicopter. I don’t need to remember playing Caitlin. I can wake up as this new person, with new experiences. However, it would be nice to remember all I have been, though the fact that matter can be changed, I think I could’ve played many roles, before human form as well.

I could be in an anime show, i think i am in my hero academia but I want to actually see myself inside of the show not in this house.

I am not caitlin I am just some random japanese man in caitlins body.

Time goes by and there are many dimensions I am in cloud atlas, bonding to certain souls over and over through time.

A few weeks ago everything was for me at all times, now it comes in waves. It could be because of eating or something, not sure. I am reminded of what Blake said, “not everyone can ride their bike for breakfast.” I think of the bikes in black mirror where when you ride enough you get to perform in front of judges, I definitely am being judged.

When I went to the outpatient psychiatric place everyone there seemed for me and I wonder what that means, there are different people every time now. One time I heard someone say, “shes a little yellow that means you can still do things with her” like I am thinking the act can still go on. I also saw on a paper of some guy coming out the letter R like a movie rating. I might’ve already wrote about this up there. I wonder if people can pay for me to act in their movies as Caitlin or as me with my memories changed or maybe I am way off.

My father blackmailed me. When I got out of the energy hospital (St. Rose) there was teal colored trash bins and labels, it began with orange. I remember thinking I was entering a concentration camp. It looked like no hospital I had ever seen before. Everyone there was old and they looked like they were being hooked up to machines that would end their life. I was in the hallway with no room. Everyone stared at me. I recognized D, one of M friends who was a nurse, I didn’t realize this kind of nurse existed. My dad came with me on the ambulance. I didn’t eat for maybe 4 days, I didn’t sleep for like 2. How could I when all my memories were becoming like Total Recall? I was reading the Da Vinci Code and began Angels and Demons before the firemen came into the house for the second time. I was breathing fire, yet I know this smell of hookah wasn’t me. It followed me. Also, these “firemen” installed things in the house that burned when you walked by them. All of this is normal protocol. I had to tell them I was fine, I was, I was just not fine and I couldn’t trust anyone, still can’t. Anyway, my mom wanted me to watch this new netflix movie about people going to Europe. It was relevant because the Da Vinci code explains the vatican and the levels of spain, england, france then europe as a whole or something, I need to re-read. Anyway there began to be too much killing and I could feel something not right i didn’t want to watch it, my stomach was eating itself, i knew I wasn’t really their daughter and I couldn’t do anything. They took me to paymons the day before and some waiter named pepe peed in my mango juice and at the time I couldn’t say anything, before that, on fathers day, uncle tyler came over and they talked about cars. He said they send them young, they talked about stick shift or electric. Then jamba juice, how sometimes they put in a rotten apple. I couldn’t speak. Laura sent me a snapchat of passion fruit. I remembered that passion fruit aprodisiac and mormons banned it. Theres a book of mormon pamphlet with actors in it, 2 black men were described in a loose paper in there, maybe thats who i was before caitlin. Anyway, i got messages in my email about how to ask for money. I know this is an act and I want to get paid for it. I thought i had to have sex to do that even with family? How dare i have thoughts like these? It disgusted me, yet here these men are clearly talking about it. And paymons, we sat next to this older couple. Chicken, get out, soccer, salmon, fries, ring,

St. Rose, tv black people talking about their scene, futurama cups holy grail, futurama wives being controlled by husbands like bots, 90 day fiance, futurama seeing phones in the mind, show that looked like ending of the matrix like black wires with a military like ship taking over. Nurses talked about me being poor, saying I would be sent to military and that I would be ok with that. The TV screen in front of me had a helicopter and my name, other things. I thought it was physically going to take me somewhere. The main nurse was an asian man, the one who asked “where did you learn to sleep” he also said, “do something.” I asked what was going on but they didn’t say anything. When I woke up there were many people in and I felt like I powered a race track, and a puppy. I woke up and the people next door who were talking about a puppy mentioned something was different then the nurse said she woke up. I remember them bringing me food I wasn’t hungry and the nurse was like no eat, eat the whole school. She spilled the eggs on me. She said not to go to the next level. I look back and remember it was teal, after teal is purple, where I was before and it just cycles back to red. My dad came and he said I didn’t eat so then came another gurney, I said i didn’t want to go and I would eat. He was telling the man that he calls me a boy, because I act like a guy it was really fucking rude. I knew I was going to be in pain again. I felt good after the day I was in the energy hospital, the nurses were nice. I had to change, I thought i was going to an normal mental hospital like the one i went when i was 15. I thought all i had to do was eat then I would leave. However immediately I realized it wasn’t normal. I had to sign this thing i wish i didn’t sign my dad made me, it was something like .60 for prn. I wanted to get out I was also thinking i was being deported, they took me to a hospital very far side of Vegas with barbed wire fencing like a prison. It was called Desert Parkway. I started crying and they took my picture when i was balling wanting to go home. I just didn’t want my dad to deport me. I got sent down this hallway with a bunch of old people and the “elopement room” which i thought meant marriage but i looked it up and it means I can’t leave without endangering myself. Anyway, it was odd and i was beyond anxious. I went to my room where i laid down realizing it was an act and these other people were actors. When I did that it caused chaos, they brought in real patient files and things were different. The people here weren’t hosts, they were adults seeming to be choosing to be here, or they were asked to be here, not sure, but they were conscious. There was a woman named Lenora, who kinda reminded me of Leonard. People asked for her when they needed to mediate for me, because i didn’t talk much. I remember getting scared because I didn’t smoke a cigarette the first day, i thought cigarettes would change the dimension of the smoker, it did in a way, but it carried the rest of us like a train. I kissed this guy to absorb the niccotine which was a dumb idea, lenora got kinda upset. I didn’t do that again. I actually got mad at the people for not telling me what was going on. It reminded me of the bathouse in spirited away. There was another girl in there who was about my age who only ate vegan food she had a notebook with the word college on it. She seemed to know what she was doing. She got mad at me for staring at her. I had to meet with the doctor. I was too honest when he asked about if i had ever been depressed before, I was nervous. He prescribed me with pills. I looked up after there was a piece of green tape in the hallway, “that was so bad fix it!” the doctor left. I took the pills. I regretted it instantly, it made me sleep. Lenora also took the pills. She said something about it being okay. The guys said something “she probably won’t take those again.” regretfully. My parents were glad I took the pills when i spoke to them on the phone. The first visitation took place in the cafeteria. Which i went everyday and didn’t eat. There were 3 other boys my age or maybe a year younger with their families, from the other unit. I talked to my dad and I realized that this was like courting to be with me. I don’t think it went well because nothing really happened. The staff in that room had playing cards in their hands, they were dressed in regular clothes they weren’t nurses. I thought my life was dependent on the cards someone will pull for me. In the second hospital a nurse brought me “the redhead plays her hand” at the end of the book she gets married. My dad motioned that he didn’t really like that ending, I wondered why. I began to long for a normal life more than anything, marriage sounded nice.

On the last night i was there we watched a movie about a space craft crash landing and having to fix it i don’t remember the name, then there was this movie about black people. There was a woman in charge of the space one. I thought it paralleled to me. There was also a puzzle of route 66. If i was in charge I still felt so out of control. People were leaving, I was getting cold and scared. I signed to get sent to a different hospital and when I did that the old man in the wheel chair said “you’re going to walmart” I asked “really?”and I said I didn’t want to go but i had already signed. I thought of the concentration or FEMA camp conspiracy videos I used to watch or deported children being housed in Walmart camps. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I wish I had just ate at Desert Parkway looking back, but the sketchy card people and the visiting couple things scared me, both of which were there in the next hospital Southern Hills. They put me up to the 4th floor of the medical wing next to this completely incapacitated old woman who was fed pudding by a man who sounded like my uncle. I felt like that could be me if someone overpowered me, I got scared. I was so tired at this point. I went to sleep. The bed would move around and wake me up. I woke up and there was a paper next to the window something for the hospital but written, “family or money$.” I know this was an act, all the torture, many are watching. I still don’t know how to or how I could’ve made money from being in the hospital. Was I supposed to be Mary Magdalene? I know it wasn’t safe asking questions. I remember trying to be coy with the nurse with the batman tattoo not straight up, how do i get money but something to that effect. She didn’t tell me. I was so jealous of every nurse, they are free. Yet the one batman hispanic girl nurse seemed jealous of my role. Later on social workers came in. One said something about “like a plane landed a goldmine” referring to me. I am guessing dimensionally I can fly, i can’t really conceive what that means or my design. Everyone offered me food. One time I said something about carne asada fries because the batman tattoo nurse was talking about eating me coyly like people do in the 6th. When I did that the menu said with pencil unleaded, if you shine it in the sunshine you could see the indented words “so you can talk like that” or something because I am kinda bad at the art of war. I wondered if the watchers were disappointed or amused.  I asked for pineapple smoothie then didn’t drink it. They mentioned phillipino. I realized fill up is in the name. They told me I was going to the pavilion, a new psych ward. I just wanted to go home. There was a doctor who came in named Mandorin. He was nice, but he made me take ativan which made me tired again I don’t remember much of what happened in that time. I thought he would take me from the hospital. The TV instantly made fun of me well made fun of his looks for thinking that this man would take me out of the hospital and be my sugar daddy or something. He mentioned losing contact with my ex boyfriend making me upset and i was stubborn and saying no, which really i should’ve said yes maybe. I guess i slept after that i dont remember, i ate some of a violettes vegan burger from my uncle. I took a shower this nurse helped me and braided my hair. I dont remember this much. I was sent to the pavillion in a wheel chair. The elopement risk was on this door too. I dont really rememeber getting in. i remember seeing my roomate a 40 or so year old black woman with red or purple tips short curly hair. She said she was glenda the good witch she said she had a daughter. She wrote notes about me being purple dinosaur like barney, young, beautiful and nice or something. People all focusing on me is something I wasn’t used to. Watchtower from the show OA prepared me for this I guess. I was scared she was getting the wrong idea from me because she touched me on the back, i was too nice to her or something. Then there was christina, a black woman with no teeth, really skinny, a host consciousness for sure had no family. Almost everyone in this hospital wore the cheap thin blue hospital pants and shirt, some didn’t. Christina had a shirt that I swear said New York, the letters turned to “Just back down,” I felt like if i backed down I would lose my teeth, my conciousness, my everything. I wondered if this was where all souls go to die. Westworld prepared me to be curious about human conciousness and their roles, yet it’s like the more you look the more you truly find the end. Caitscurious is my instagram name, still is and I have always been curious about sociology philosophy and psychology of the human mind, why the world works the way it does but especially related to humanity. I was looking for something, and found hell. My favorite movies 1408 and spirited away chart similar journeys. “We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time. Through the unknown, remembered gate When the last of earth left to discover Is that which was the beginning; At the source of the longest river The voice of the hidden waterfall And the children in the apple-tree Not known, because not looked for But heard, half-heard, in the stillness Between two waves of the sea.” TS Elliot. All the life I lived lead me to the tower, my memories, artifacts are clues to help me see I am not Caitlin, I am playing Caitlin. If I want to continue playing Caitlin I have to integrate these aspects. I feel like I am not supposed to keep playing Caitlin, Caitlin is in jail. This role seems more of an initiation into life. I hope I get to keep my memories and not get wiped from them. However, I could just be used. Women may have only that role in this world, however I don’t want to be bleak. I really want to presume greater. I have met women in on this, H & L, they for sure know whats happening, but its my battle to fight. It is hard to hope for me right now with all that has occurred. I thought if I got my period I would turn to pubertina there were toothpicks in the drawer, I thought someone would take my teeth. I looked at the trader joes bag my parents put the 3 t shirts and sweat pants and pajama pants i could wear. it has a crashing plane what turns to a stagecoach and under the bushes some peasant kids eating and looking over. There were ads on the computer for robotics, Alexis mussi ceo, and lauries gifts. The man who would always walk with the psychiatrist had indigo and a pug tattoo on his arm, visitor, cambro food, woman wanting hair, knowing nose, george, internet, rico, animal chloroform, robot without a manual, elijah, fat man wagner, lighthouse man, jesus host, lamb peru, moms wanting a bike, super young pregnant girl, morganna, deroyal grey socks, eugenia cooney, fosters home for imaginary friends, monsters inc, stranger things, westworld delores, social worker, on the phone talking to his mom, wheelchair old man, vaccine, court, consent, annastasia, b12, cat puzzle, sad goat,

Aricellie from the 2nd hospital said, “some people are not even sick they just choosing to be here to get medications” I heard that and thought, and more. They are getting something else, they must be.

I resent being in the dark.

There are 2 barbie dolls in my closet. One is hawaiian daphne and scooby, another is a barbie watching power puff girls. I remember watching power puff girls at my grandmas house on her couch. Then i dreamt time went slow and fast. It was electric and it made me realize all the backstory is here. I am not sure why i write. I heard my dad said “here’s Lucy” and slam doors. They clearly don’t want me aware, yet they do. I no longer have to be a girl named caitlin, i feel like I can choose to get out of this narrative. I took pictures of the other things i have found like all the drawings from safekey kids.

Anyway my dreams, I dreamt i got a shirt on etsy that said “i dont want to work” from C with a knock on my wall. and then another dream M gave me a shirt with hot cheetos and a robot. Then my dad asked if i ever pooped in my water when i had a basement room in the house with a large screen. Then a dream where i was looking for this shirt i got rid of with an eagle playing guitar, my brother had a huge closet and didn’t have the shirt. Then i was in Ls closet. There was shirts that sexualized good girl and then tie dye things then 2 bracelets with pizza wolf and pizza warlock. It quickly changed from ls colorful room to an office with black and white things and plain black shoes and desks. There were 2 male bosses and that turned into a sexual thing as well when it was supposed to be an “office job”.

I dont know how much time i have left. I fee guilty for eating meat and i get negativity for it yet i dont want to starve again i am starving of knowledge and pleasure love and truth i am seeking guidance power and release.

I remember going to new orleans with m. already touched on this but the pictures in my phone are arranged in a particular order. I remember in new orleans watching this futurama episode about a relaxing island which happened to be a zoo where people from another planet could watch. I think thats where i was, now im in hell. I wonder when i signed the contract to play the parts i am playing? I wish i stayed in hilo because I was free there as much as i was trapped, the whole planet is kind of trapped, just then i had a better outlook on reality. Ignorance is bliss and i was in states of ecstasy at times. The emotions i get back here are so bleak, depressing and terrifying. I am not sure who i am, i know im being watched and all my friends or most of them are in on this. M said one of his friends went crazy thinking he was in the truman show. Does m curse this upon people? Is my soul being farmed? Are people in other dimensions and planets kicking back watching me go insane or go through crazy making things? “Deadric city seraphim district” whose understanding of their distance from the absolute divinity of Atziluth causes their continual “burning up” in self-nullification. Through this they ascend to God, and return to their place. Below them in the World of Yetzirah (“Formation”, archetypal creation, divine emotions) are the Hayot angels of Ezekiel’s vision, who serve God with self-aware instinctive emotions (“face of a lion, ox, eagle”) If anything I am like the meseeks in Rick and Morty trying to understand my purpose. I’m like Igor “Animated fable about a cliché hunchbacked evil scientist’s assistant who aspires to become a scientist himself, much to the displeasure of the rest of the evil science community.”

Ive inserted some pictures of things. I am failing at this game. I wonder if i am an alien that had my memory wiped in order to live on earth. Or i am trapped in a game i dont remember signing up for. There is also a military glove. A card from my grandpa that says congrats on my excellent report card. My neighbor who used to be my close friend saying happy 8th birthday and 3 native american dancing cards. What if i am really from the ocean and came up, like the picture the kid from safekey drew for me. I am like Nina in OA communicating with the octopus. That show was for me. This life is for me and i dont understand why or what the other characters who know but dont tell mean. I don’t understand if this is my only time I get to experience this “all for me” thing. I fear I could turn into a kid again with my memory wiped. If i have to be a kid i want to be a boy, today I went into a boba shop as i was walking i saw a car that said “rest in peace myy son in huge letters on the window with american flag skulls and a picutre of the boy.” i thought i was the boy and i got upset because I know its because I am doing things like eating boba but I just can’t balance my inner childs needs for safety fun and happy gay kind of stuff and the need for truth and seriousness of the situation. Its like i am playing “Hell II Adopt a Soul”. Anyway i want to be a boy because it seems like the game is easier to play and theres less threats for knowing things. The coins are from this coin jar ive had in my room for ages. One of my exs I, he broke into my house well in through the garage and took half of it drove my moms car to the coinstar left the reciept in it while my family and i were visiting my grandpa and a space mueseum in california. My uncle T, he tweeted “met my wife at a coinstar” theres a coin purse from his ex gf J in a drawer. The only movie I have ever seen with him is the corpse bride. His ex name means Supplanter or replaces thing of lesser value. Men literally get to replace their girl bot thing of lesser value with a new program? Not happening. I need something else.

I had a dream 2 nights ago with M and I. He was in the next room where my brother is. I was justifying why i was here, i must be god level to be here yadayada. Treasure Island casino was Jerry training. It is the worst one, M was mean. I was God justifying out of fear I guess. Then I woke up to a dog barking super loud. I thought I was being turned into a dog. Last night I had a dream Dr. O my old soc professor I was close with from soc club, who used to say pretty prophetic things I wish I understood then said “I finessed you” with a pencil looking yellow pyramid drawing. I started begging and justifying my worth in my head to try to get basically adopted as a soul or being bc I am very very very scared for my future. I even thought “i’ll work for someone for 6 years.”

I keep smelling this smell that smells like fuel its concerning and I don’t know what it is but it follows me everywhere. My head itches and my shoulders hurt constantly. I am begging the world for relief.

Another movie that is like whats happening to me: Anti Matter (AKA Worm) is a sci-fi noir take on the Alice in Wonderland tale. Ana, an Oxford PhD student, finds herself unable to build new memories following an experiment to generate and travel through a wormhole. The story follows her increasingly desperate efforts to understand what happened, and to find out who – or what – is behind the rising horror in her life.

There was a room in the psych hospital called the anti room a room with nothing plain white walls and two chairs in a room outside of that room. It wasn’t in use until one of the last days i was there a man who was new there crying and yelling while a worker nurse just watched him from the next room with a clipboard. Anti Matter records has music of people in my life it seems and their anti matter selves.

Alpha Gate – i should watch that movie. It doesnt directly have anything to do with me yet i remember singing to myself while driving, i recorded it. Saying “let me be the alpha.” “A particle physicist grieving over the loss of her husband in a car crash travels to a parallel world to find him again, with dire consequences for her family.”

I feel like I am in a coma or in avatar when they put their body in rest to go into a new body in the avatar world. Truman show. “Child legally adopted by a corporation” “on the air unaware”

Some girls were talking about the meaning of oedipus and dantes divine comedy the other day. Dantes comedy talks about the layers of hell and oedipus marrying your mom or dad. I made a youtube video about oedipus. I feel like my conciousness before was not fully controlled by me somehow, i am not even sure if my conciousness now is fully free or if it is being controlled or manipulated by someone else.

“A dimension is a place” i think about all the times I have been in places lately and even if i am in a room all to myself, the words of others in the next rooms sync with me, like they can see me but they can’t or they can right in their minds. Like the first hospital when they knew I peed and said something about me not doing it without affecting them which I didn’t understand. Or when I was changing my clothes at Ls house I was deciding what to wear and getting frustrated and C commented just do what you have to do, ugh and commenting on things I picked. “Life in the fast lane makes you insane” Things were happening so fucking fast that I couldn’t even ask questions especially in the hospital times and at Ls with the bonfire. My parents too. Now I still don’t because I can’t act like I know things without being threatened. Its a nightmare and its lonely pretending to be normal. If something happens like that I would now ask, because things have eternally slowed down a little bit.

[calmskiesfierynights]

Okay. Does anyone else on here or who happens to be one of my amazing followers get accused of having a “bitch-face” ? Am I the only one who finds it extremely condescending and demeaning? 

Let me throw you some background. 

When I got a job in a serious business atmosphere at around the age of 18, I was scared. Being a science major just wanting to pay the bills... I couldn’t be more out of my element. But hey, suck it up right? Parents won’t pay your tuition and you don’t have a back up trust. I started off super young, since I was about 10-12 years younger than a bunch of (albeit lovely) sales people and coworkers. 

I was nervous, and trying so hard just to keep my job - but apparently I was doing great work! I just wouldn’t... 

“Why don’t you smile more love?”

“Darling, you have such a pretty smile?” 

“You’re so unapproachable.” 

It’s the first time I had heard it from someone other than my mother lecturing me on how I would never find anyone since I looked like “such a bitch”. Great. 

18 years old and I have a meeting with five grown ass men in suits that cost probably more than my tuition for the upcoming year combined. They all stood while I sat, most likely shaking but refusing to stare look down. What the fuck could I have done? Did I miss a finance deadline? Did I misplace an invoice? 

No. 

“You’re a pretty girl with the nicest smile, and one of our clients said you didn’t smile at him like he wanted. Now, this causes some concern...” 

I cannot even remember the rest because I blocked it. Shoved it so deep into my thoughts and never wanted to process it again. My spine was rigidly straight, something I learned the past years before as I fought to have a restraining order against my teacher who made extremely inappropriate advances on me. 

By the way... he still has his job. I’m still the butt of the joke in the faculty lounge I hear. Not that I’d ever go back or think of high school... honestly. 

I gave them a nod, noting my understanding through gritted teeth and smiled widely. The owner was thrown aback. 

The day before I had gotten my braces put in for the first time. My mouth felt like someone had begun to pull and shove and throttle from every tooth. I was in undescribable pain. I explained this, naturally. 

They all then laughed and excused me, telling me they were going to call the client and apologize on my behalf. 18-year-old me bit her tongue, but let it be. It was the first time someone thought I was a bitch just because of my face, but I guess it was the first time someone tried to get me fired because I didn’t please them aesthetically. 

I stayed at that job far and far too long to realize my education was taking a toll and my resolve was shattering. On the upside, my confidence and communication skills mastered, and I could get myself out of any hard situation with an unhappy client. But, the money woes went on... so next stop was the world of waitressing and bartending. 

Amazingly, and probably not too shockingly - it gets worse from here. 

I was amazing at my job. Not just amazing, but fantastic - and could literally upsell any beer or meal better than anyone. Make the perfect Bourbon Sour? Only me. Old Fashion? I was Queen of them. I had gotten my braces off, and my teeth were perfect. I’m not even being a cocky snot, but man my ortho really did art! My “bitch-face” got comments here and there, but luckily my boss thought it was one of my quirks. Men liked it apparently, because it made me more fun to banter with. 

Banter, I can dig it. 

But the other comments, I guess you can say they got to me? 

“Such a pretty blonde, why don’t you give me a smile?” That came with a tap on the tush. Perhaps I was too new or young? Because in the same setting three years later I stapled a man’s hand for doing that. This time however, back then, I could only muster a small smile. 

I could go on for ages about that place, but it was mostly good memories clouded with patrons calling me the “fuck-you face chick” or the “I wonder if I could do something to make her smile” with every innuendo intention. 

Le grand sigh. 

As my life began to move on, and I traveled and lived in different incredible places, I realized I had a lot to smile about. Also? I was so approachable apparently, and could make friends anywhere! 

That made me think - did I always have this face? Or did the many many men who fucked me over throughout my life make me not so willing to give their entire gender a smile? I thought about it a lot, and moved back home to once again search for my dream job locally, and work in a new bar. 

Alas, the demeaning mentions of my bitch-face didn’t come from patrons or drunks! No, but from management. Female management. 

After being booked during my first week for six doubles (not weird but super tiring!), I guess you could say I was overwhelmed? Apparently, that translated right to my face. 

My male GM sat me down for a formal meeting to tell me one of the owners, (female), thought I made too much of a scowling face when I worked and I looked absolutely miserable. 

“She said that? I looked miserable?” I asked, genuinely shocked and appalled. I only wanted to do a good job to well... make money of course! 

“Well... she used other words.” He said lightly, “You have a bit of a bitch-face.” 

Boom. There it was again. Hook, line, sinker. 

This time however, I wasn’t going down. I gave him my million-watt perfect smile and cocked my head to the side. “Whatever do you mean?” I responded with sickly sweet inquiry. 

I was out for blood, and they didn’t know it yet. I guess, neither did I? 

I still needed to fund my life and my research, so I accepted the criticism and promised to do something about my face right away. 

You know that petroleum jelly beauty pageant ladies use? Oh honey, I bought it and brought it to work. Before I went to any table, you could see me applying it in the staff alcove with exuberant enthusiasm. I was far too old for this bullshit of being afraid of my face, and a little too tired of hearing it. So hey, why not make a scene out of it? 

It worked for a while, but I guess me becoming more comfortable and happy with my coworkers really made it all better in the end. I was genuinely smiling, which was lovely... I guess? 

It lasted all of two months. 

A new GM came in I don’t remember his name but it probably was misogynistic asswhipe, but don’t quote me on that. I’m only partly sure. 

He had heard about my elusive face from upper management and greeted me as bitchface. Great. I didn’t speak to him for two weeks, and you know what men HATE? When you don’t acknowledge them. It’s not cute in their opinion. 

Too fucking bad M. Asswhipe!

Having been a main bartender before, and now working with a co-bartender, I could be happier. Alas, this lovely new GM decided my bitchface was a little too strong. 

“She’d be so much fucking hotter if she just smiled and did what I said.” 

He said this, as if I wasn’t standing next to him, about to pour wine. 

“He’d be so much hotter face-first in the deep fryer.” My comment won a lot more appreciation, naturally. 

It didn’t get better for me, as all staff had a meeting while I was out of town, and their new job was to remind me to smile more and not have such a bitch-face. 

This was a real topic. At a serious meeting. Of a well-known business. Led by Asswhipe GM and Not-so-Feminist Assistant Owner. 

When the person I had been dating reminded me one night with a tinge of snark, I dropped all the plates in my hand. That was it, the straw that broke the camel’s back. I ran outside a cried. It doesn’t seem that dramatic right? Like why was THAT the moment I lost it? 

I cried because I was so so so tired. Everyone I worked with was in on this against me, and I guess you could say I felt bullied. Every smiling demand, every leering man, every drunk creep, every sexual harassment... assault. It all surfaced in one giant clusterfuck of a Friday night dinner rush. 

So I quit. Simply. 

I got an incredible job in research that not only pays the bills well, but is giving me the most amazing experience to further my passion and goals in life. And you know what? Not one of the women or men I work with (who, might I add... especially about these incredible ladies... have more letters after their names than any of my ex-manager’s FULL names ever did) have ever even mentioned an inkling of my so-named Bitch Face. Not one. It’s never come up. I don’t need to smile to impress anyone, it’s what I can bring to the table that’ll blow their minds. 

So, what the fuck was this little spiel? 

Men have put me down for way too long. Women, well they have too, and I will do everything in my power to make sure I never become them. 

Listen, I truly don’t know why I wrote this. But If I could even help one person out there understand that it’s not you it’s their shitty fucking asses, man job well fucking done go me!

Please embrace each other. Please lift each other up. Please pick us up. Please love yourselves. And fuck anyone who says you have to smile more or fix your bitch-face. Fuck them, find your place and I promise you - no one there will five a fuck if you have a little bit of a icy scowl in your bones. 

- Lila. 

[heyytalia]

hi Bianca, I read your 'about' page and wanted to reach out to you since it really spoke to me. in 2014 I had a traumatic event and got professionally diagnosed with the same disorders you mentioned, as well as insomnia. I feel like I should be over my trauma by now and I'm just so frustrated at how I feel stuck in place. I always regret not being a stronger person at the time. I think if I'd had a different mindset or a better support system (c.)

Anon, I can relate to you. I can relate so much.

Long letter to you under the “Keep Reading.”

First off, thank you for messaging me about all this. Doing so must have taken so much courage. I know how hard it is talking about these things. It’s scary and sometimes I don’t know how people are going to react when I tell them I have GAD/Depression, even when I’m speaking to another person with a similar diagnosis. Just being able to put words on paper, or in a message, takes every ounce of brainpower we’ve got. I’m going to try to use as much brainpower as I can to convey as best a response I can.

I was also kind of a nervous child as well. Extremely shy, kind of cowardly, helicopter-parented. But never to the extreme, just enough that I can safely say I’m not an extrovert. I wasn’t diagnosed or referred for anything psychological. By all accounts, I was considered “normal” (I hate that word in psychological connotations). But as I got older, I started having a lot of problems with stress. I started having migraines in high school. I started getting severe stomach pains before every exam. The stress got even worse at university when I went from being a straight-A student all my life to an A/B/C one and my self-esteem collapsed. I developed insomnia. I was homesick. I had a roommate dealing with alcoholism my sophomore year, and I was constantly worried for her health. That near-collision I had in 2014 (the one I mentioned in my About Me) was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was driving back from an internship interview (from which I was rejected anyway) when I took a protected left turn on a yellow arrow, and the light turned green and a car coming from the opposite direction at 50 MPH nearly hit me head on. If I hadn’t pressed the brakes at the right moment, I would have gone straight into the front of his blue Honda. I wasn’t the same after that. I don’t even remember driving home, the next thing I remember is sobbing hysterically as I open my front door. My mom was comforting, my dad thought I would just move on, my sister thought I was exaggerating. I didn’t sleep that night. The next few weeks, I almost felt like a zombie. Like I shouldn’t be alive. Like I should have died on that road. Several nights I woke up sweating, and I had this recurring dream of walking up to that same intersection, the site of a crash site, and staring at my dead body. These feelings were real, but I didn’t know that. I just kept getting worse and worse. I was diagnosed with GAD/Depression in August, after a week of panic attacks, hallucinations, and an ER visit in which I had to be sedated with a high Xanax dose. But I don’t think, until I got those first Lexapro and Clonazepam doses, that it really hit me I had GAD/Depression. And then I really ruminated on that, and the first thing was…

Guilt. I FELT IT, ANON. I felt it bad.

You’re not alone in feeling guilty about your diagnosis, anon. I think it’s almost a given to most of us with depression and anxiety. Our society dictates that people should be able to function a specific way, and when we can’t do it we feel excluded, shunned. Not to mention, a feeling of failure to our own families and friends. I had that and more, I felt I let everyone down. My family who I spent my entire life trying to make proud. My friends, my teachers, professors, everyone who ever believed in me. When I was young I felt like a bird, that I could fly anywhere. As if I was Icarus, ready to fly towards freedom and beyond. But that first bottle of Lexapro in my hands felt like a weight that brought me down to Earth. And I burned. And everything I loved, burned.

My love for all my favorite series literally became NUMB. I kept up with them, but I literally felt nothing for them. My archive for this blog for the Fall months of 2014 shows lots of cute Hetalia fanart, OFF fanart, maybe the occasional cute thing. I was a regular (still occasionally am) GIF editor for the Hetalia fandom, and still churned out the occasional one during this time. But it wasn’t me posting. It was my shell. I was afraid to let my personal struggles bleed into my healthy tumblr blog and ruin it, so I kept posting as if nothing was wrong. But it wasn’t the real me. The real me was waking up shaking, in sweat, on nights that weren’t filled with insomnia. The real me was learning how to eat solid food again (which I didn’t do until October, I believe). The real me was crying every day. If my blog was honest that year, every post would have been replaced with ramblings on fear and sadness. But I couldn’t do it, because I was afraid to scare my tumblr friends, and scared that they’d all shun me and call me crazy. And by perpetuating a lie that all was “fine,” I felt guilty. I always prided myself in being honest, and I felt like I was betraying myself as well as them, and the guilt hurt even more.

And when I was in those moments of guilt, I’d always ask to myself, “What did I do wrong?” “Did I do something to deserve this?” “Was there something I could have done?” I used to think that maybe if I’d been a bit more independent as a kid, I’d have thicker skin, and I wouldn’t be going through this. Or maybe if I’d been a better student, I would have had better grades, and my anxiety concerning my future would be lessened. Or, maybe, if I had been a better driver and avoided that near-collision. Or maybe, I could have made myself prettier, or made more friends, or lost a few pounds, or not accidentally hurt the feelings of that one girl on the playground in 6th grade that one time. None of this would have ever happened, and I’d be okay. And my family would be okay. Everything would be okay.

It’s almost like I was digging into myself, trying to justify in my mind why all this was happening to me. Trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Until one day, I heard some words said to me.

“Bianca, it’s not your fault.”

It was my mom who told me this, the first time. I had been crying and apologizing profusely over and over for what I was going through, a few days after my diagnosis. Telling her that I was sorry that she had to put up with an “insane” daughter like me, and wishing she had been blessed with a better daughter with no ailments, because she deserved better. But, my smart mom, instead of agreeing with what my fractured psyche had come up with, told me those words. And I cried. I didn’t fully believe her at the time, but the sentiment did stick in my brain like a seed, and I felt comfort. Of course, the guilt would come back a few days later, still strong, but I’d hear those words again and that seed would grow a little bit. The next time, a little bit more. More when I would hear those words in her arms. More when I’d hear those words from my dad. More when I’d hear those words from my therapist. More when I’d hear those words from my doctor. Until one day, something interesting happened. I realized the value of those words.

It’s not our fault. It’s not something we did wrong. It’s not something we should feel ashamed of. There’s nothing we did in our past that made us “deserve” depression and anxiety. One of the most important things I learned as a Psychology Major in university was that our brains, just like the rest of our bodies, don’t always work or look the way they’re supposed to. All of our brains are unique, and a combination of our own personal experience along with family genetics and the environment in which we live in make all of us different. It’s now commonly believed that some people are more prone to mental illness than others, just as how some people are more prone to heart conditions or diabetes. Nobody really knows why this is the case. It’s not really a science you can quantify or boil down to an equation. Sometimes, mental illness just…happens. There’s really no concrete explanation. You can dig and dig into your heart and mind and soul forever but you’ll never find one. It took a long time for me to realize this. That I wasn’t at blame for my depression/anxiety. That I didn’t do anything wrong. That just because my brain needed some extra help from medicine and doctors, didn’t mean I couldn’t be strong again.

Anon, sometimes our illness makes us feel like less of a person. But that’s just the depression talking. I always tell people, when you have GAD/Depression, there are two sides of you. One side is the real us, the one who loves and laughs and enjoys life as it is. The other side is the anxiety/depression itself. Sometimes, the second side “covers up” the first side and “pretends” to be us. That doesn’t mean the real side is lost forever, it’s just hiding. We just have to, pardon the language, call that GAD/Depression side out on its bullshit. Because the real us is the best us. The ones who fangirl over our favorite series and ships and stories. The ones who care for all of their friends and loved ones. The ones who aren’t afraid to try something new and be creative. Anon, I believe its still in you. You can still do it. You can still do all the things you love.

Your GAD/Depression may be an element in your life you weren’t expecting, but nobody can really predict such a thing happening anyway. Not even the most brilliant minds in the world can predict the future to a T. It was never your fault, Anon. Never. I want you to trust me on this. And I want you to love everything you love even stronger than you did before. Write those stories you want to write. Watch those series you’ve been meaning to catch up on. Draw to your heart’s content. Read some new books. Start a new craft. That love won’t come overnight, it might take months or even years (even now, I’m still learning to re-love all my favorite things again), but it will start to come. Take every day at a time, and don’t worry about the pace. Recovery varies from person to person. I myself am recovering very slowly, on the exact same dose of Lexapro I was on back in 2014, and I’ll probably be on the same dose for an indefinite amount of time. But the more and more I’ve accepted my diagnosis, the easier it gets.

I’ll leave you with some final tips which have helped me immensely:

1. Eat well! Lots of water, and healthy meals! Especially fruits and vegetables.2. Have certain activities to do during your “down” moods or anxiety attacks. I usually crochet while watching a relaxing tv show or movie.3. Exercise, even if it’s simple walks or stretches.4. Find somebody to talk to when you’re feeling sad, or write your feelings down in a journal. I find that expressing inner feelings can be very relaxing.5. Pet therapy! Go and pet a dog or cat. Some studies have found that spending time with cute animals can increase “happy” hormones in the brain, like dopamine and endorphins.

I hope I answered your message! If you have more questions, always feel free to ask. I wish you all the best, and all my blessings.

[schmergo]

I went to the Museum of the Bible

Okay, buckle in, because this is gonna be kind of a lengthy post. My mom got free tickets to the highly controversial new Museum of the Bible in DC and I, with heavy misgivings, decided to come along and see what was up. I have to say, I thought it was a lot better than I expected, though I am still suspicious and cynical of several aspects of the place. So here is my detailed review! Here's what you need to know about the museum first: 1. It was founded and funded by Steve Green, the President of Hobby Lobby, aka the company that went to the Supreme Court because they didn't want to cover employees' birth control, saying it went against their religious beliefs. 2. He was also fined $3 million for smuggling artifacts from Iraq (which did not appear in the museum's collection). 3. The museum is technically non-sectarian (though with a Protestant bias), and does not address hot-button issues like evolution/creationism, abortion, LGBTQ+ rights, or how the Bible "should" be interpreted. Its galleries include tellings of the stories from the Bible, the history of the compilation and transmission/translation of the Bible, and the impact of the Bible on history and culture. It always hints at a Christian interpretation but does not outright evangelize. Some people may find this claimed non-political and nonsectarian interpretation more insidious than an outright Christian oriented museum. 4. The museum is free, but with a suggested donation. I would personally not suggest donating anything if you're interested in checking it out so as not to put money in the Hobby Lobby Guy's pockets, but that's just me. Now, I have to address my own personal biases. I am a Protestant Christian (United Methodist, to be specific), but I'm also strongly opposed to what constitutes contemporary "American Christian culture." I'm a believer not only in God but in human rights, evidence-based science/evolution, separation of church and state, charity, equality, and empathy. To me, these values are compatible with studying Jesus' teachings, and I'm deeply critical of people who use Christianity to justify selfish and narrowminded decisions. I also am an elementary-age Sunday school teacher who likes to emphasize the importance of Biblical literacy in self-professed Christians, which this museum champions (you'd be amazed how many Christians aren't actually familiar with the Bible), and in studying not only the stories, but the themes and lessons behind them (which this museum does not do. It allows guests the freedom to interpret the material according to their own beliefs- again, some might like this and some might dislike it). This museum is huge. We were there for about five hours and still didn't see everything. It was also absolutely PACKED with guests. The line to get in snaked down the block, and there were some long lines to get into the "hottest ticket" exhibits. We started off our day in the most popular, multi-media exhibit, The Hebrew Bible, which is a mix of videos and walk-through visuals with exciting lighting, animation, and voiceover, telling the narrative of major Old Testament stories. This exhibit is a pure storytelling "experience" and does not display any artifacts or purport to be a factual account, which I actually love because it is not claiming that all of these accounts are literally true or trying to show historical evidence. It's a little cheesy but less cheesy than you might expect- it feels like an elegant Disney World attraction but with a more artistic and slightly more abstract style. I especially liked the burning bush (the voice of God was represented as multiple voices in unison, at least one of them female), the white room full of rainbow light after the ark, the Red Sea made of string and projected waves, or the watercolor style of art of the Judges/Samuel movie. This experience is as non-controversial as possible, though the one issue is that it portrays the entire Old Testament as a consistent story about how God's people moved closer to and farther from God throughout history, fluctuating in loyalty, which I've heard is contrary to how the Tanakh is generally interpreted. This also implies that the New Testament completes "the story," which shows a Christian bias. The next exhibit was a recreation of the village of Nazareth, which WAS cheesy and Disneyesque, but fun. It felt like the museum at Jamestown Settlement, where you can walk in the little houses and see how people lived in another time. There were living interpreters there, and I liked that the people who played the villagers were racially diverse. There was a mikvah, an olive press, a temple, and typical Jewish homes. Less diverse was the short movie about John the Baptist and King Herod, who were both played by white actors- in fact, Herod was John Rhys-Davies (aka Gimli) in all his bellowing rolled-r scenery-chewing glory. He seemed to be having a grand old time. The New Testament movie was poignant but a slightly more cartoonish style of animation than the Old Testament films. Its art style reminded me of the illustrations on Pottermore. There are a lot of contradictory versions of stories in the Gospels, which was not acknowledged in this movie, but they kind of found a way around this by having the movie told from the perspectives of different people who encountered Jesus in first person (John, Saul/Paul, Mary Magdalene, Thomas, a centurion at the crucifixion, etc), showing them as varying accounts rather than one narrative. I know about the differences between the Gospels, but not everyone does, and this could be interpreted as an oversimplification. One thing I loved about this movie was that they never showed Jesus' face. They allow the audience to imagine him as they see fit. My family got lunch after this. There's a big restaurant called Manna on the top floor that serves middle-Eastern inspired foods and it was quite good. (There are vegetarian, vegan, and kosher options.) I had a platter with falafel, salad, and pickled vegetables, as well as some mango juice. This place gets CROWDED and there are long lines, but you can't re-enter the museum once you've exited unless you get back in the big queue around the block, so you can really only eat here or at the coffee shop downstairs. There's also a biblical garden and observation deck up there. Next, we went to the floor that talks about the history of the Bible, and this is where things get complex. I am less knowledgeable about this stuff than the actual text of the Bible itself, so I can't tell you what was of questionable accuracy here and what was legit, but this floor was definitely poised as being more serious and academic, while the one above it was more about narrative and entertainment-- so obviously, I was side-eying it more. This exhibit is definitely slanted toward the concept that the Bible has been transmitted and translated throughout time with remarkable accuracy, but also explores the differences, inaccuracies, and variations between different Bibles. It starts with a collection of ancient tablets and documents. I have read that some of these have questionable provenance and authenticity, especially fragments of the Dead Sea scrolls. Some of the signage alludes to these questions, some does not. Many items are on loan from other institutions, while others are replicas and facsimiles of items in museums like The British Museum (always labeled as such). The articles of the museum I've read are very severe about questions of authenticity/provenance, partially because of the Hobby Lobby scandal, but also because this is such a new museum. Museum practices have changed over time, and many of the artifacts at the British Museum and the Met are unethically acquired, too. Bear that in mind when visiting any museum (I could rant to you about the Parthenon marbles!) Still, a new and expensive museum like this one should be more careful. The most interesting ancient items in this exhibit were accounts from non-Jewish ancient cultures that told a different version of events than the Bible-- a king claiming to have killed a Hebrew King and thanking his own gods for the victory, while the Bible says that God punished that Hebrew King for not being devoted to him. It was cool to see two sides of the same story. But what I REALLY loved here was the collection of Bibles from the Middle Ages and Renaissance, because I love old books. Like, I took a class at the Folger Shakespeare Library about this stuff. There was a Gutenberg Bible, some absolutely gorgeous illuminated manuscripts (including one belonging to Henry V's great-grandmother and in immaculate condition), Tyndale Bibles, one of the very first edition of the full Bible in English... It was sobering to see that Henry VIII commissioned churches to display Bibles in English two years after Tyndale was executed abroad for translating the Bible into English. My favorite thing in the entire museum was a "Wicked Bible"- a reprint of the King James Bible that accidentally left out a crucial word and said, "Thou shalt commit adultery." Needless to say, most of them were destroyed, and the printers got in trouble, but this one survived. I also liked the small exhibits on which books were included in which versions of the Bible and which were left out/ considered apocrypha. The "Drive Thru History." introductory movie here is incredibly annoying and trying too hard to be cool, by the way, so feel free to skip that one if you go. It does a disservice to a serious collection of books. I also popped into the second floor exhibits before I left, but I didn't stick around for long. This has exhibits on the Bible's impact on US history and on culture in the world. The culture one honestly was so overwhelming and sprawling that it hurt my brain (especially since I had already been in the museum for 4.5 hours), but I did get a kick out of seeing Elvis Presley's Bible. This might be the most propaganda-Y part of the museum, but I didn't take much time to find out. There's also a video booth where people can share their own feelings or experiences about the Bible. The American history section was interesting and surprisingly daring, though. It talked about how the Bible was used to back up positions on different sides of issues through history- pro- and anti- slavery, women's rights, whether to be independent from England. It showed that the Bible has been used for good and bad throughout history and has some cool documents on display- a first edition copy of Uncle Tom's Cabin, Elizabeth Cady Stanton's "Women's Bible," the handwritten manuscript of the Battle Hymn of the Republic. The displays let the public vote on tricky questions like whether they agree with Thomas Jefferson's decision to cut up the Bible and keep the parts that he felt applied as advice to daily life. (73% say no.) Also, in a section about politicians making reference to their personal faiths, there is a clip of Barack Obama singing "Amazing Grace." Nice to see that this museum explicitly denies the "Obama is a secret Muslim" conspiracy. There were more exhibits that I didn't get to see, including some traveling exhibits on loan from the Vatican, an Israeli museum, and a Bavarian museum. They also have a full-stage production of the Broadway musical "Amazing Grace." I will say, I gave a hard side-eye to the large gift shop, through which visitors exit, with the "Museum of the Bible" logo branded on everything from mugs to t-shirts to sunglasses. I would have preferred a tasteful bookshop with maybe a few knick-knacks like cross necklaces and Noah's Ark toys, but I guess I'm an old party-pooper. Overall, I actually had a lot of fun at this museum and got to see some very cool and rare books, but I also was naturally more critical toward this museum's decisions than I normally would be when visiting a tourist attraction. I was happy to see a crowd diverse in age and ethnicity who were discussing the exhibits rather than just zooming through (I did see one guy in a MAGA hat, though- frankly, I thought there might be more). The employees were all really nice and helpful even though the place was outrageously crowded. Would I recommend visiting this museum? Maybe! I think I would recommend it to Christian people who are already knowledgeable about the Bible and willing to think critically about what they read and see. I think it would be a good place to bring kids (mid-elementary and up) and talk seriously about some of these topics and controversies. The kids in my Sunday school class seem to have a hard time remembering sequence of events in the Bible, thinking Moses was the same time as Jesus, calling King David a 'Christian,' etc. This might clarify some stuff. I saw a lot of little kids there, and they were having fun, but I feel like I wouldn't take kids that young there because they wouldn't be able to understand the more complex topics. I don't want to just give them candy-coated pretty stories! I probably would not recommend this museum to people who come from very different faith traditions or none at all, whatever this museum's attempts at secularity. I will say, I'm unsure what the Museum of the Bible's agenda is, because it certainly doesn't seem built to convert anybody. The more cynical part of the says it's built to spread the message that the Bible is so important to history and culture that it should be taught in schools. The less cynical part says that it's built to encourage Christians to explore and become more knowledgeable about their faiths, because we're from a time when the majority of Americans identify as Christian, but very few have read the Bible or can answer basic questions about it. I think that's dangerous, because lots of people seem to adhere more to "Christian" culture than Christian scripture, and that leads to a mindset completely divorced from what I see as Jesus' teachings. I don't personally have a problem with its location near the Mall and the Capitol, because if anything else, I see it as a sign of the separation of Church and State. The museums on and around the mall explore different cultures and fields of study, so does one-- but I hope people who visit DC for this museum also visit some of the Smithsonian museums. Learn about Natural History, African-American history, Native-American History, not just the museum about your own religious faith. Please feel free to ask me any questions about the museum!