#It’s that I’m expendable. I care too deeply for people. Only to end up hurt because nobody cares

[astral-catastrophe]

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[wanderingwomanwondering]

911 Eddie/Buddie Thoughts, eps 413-501

*a long post and no gifs, I’m so sorry*

Can we talk abt the fact that in 413 bathena have an argument about not being partners and how that parallels eddie’s tendency to be an emotional loner, not revealing his heart until his feelings bubble over? He struggles to trust/confide in others bc he struggles to trust/be honest with himself abt how he feels/what he needs. His reasons are diff than athena’s but it’s still a parallel behavior.

Also in 413 eddie is helping a kid who’s mom is hurting him. That feels parallel at least partially to shannon abandoning christopher which caused harm. Eddie is focused on the kid/christopher, focused on helping him…to the complete exclusion of himself and his needs. This is why he chose to continue with ana supposedly for chris’s sake despite carla’s golden advice. Tho we all suspect that chris doesn’t like ana as much as he lets on/as much as eddie wants to believe. But that’s a side note rn.

Then cut to the end of 413, the gunshot scene. Knowing what we know now from 501, basically eddie taking that bullet is a catalyst. The beginning of the end of loner, partner-averse eddie. It’s the start of him needing to reckon with his own wants needs and desires. He’s not going to stop considering chris obviously but he does need to look at himself his life his heart and what makes him happy. Remember Shannon’s complaint in their marriage was that she needed a partner, and now he’s reckoning with the fact that he wants/needs one too, and not just at work.

There are one or two very grounded non-clown ways to read that gsw scene bc dude was just shot out of the blue and there was plenty of shock and fear to go around. But through the clowning glass, we can also see it as a reiteration that buck and eddie are in fact partners in a big way. They just rescued a kid together just like they’ve worked tirelessly together to save countless other people before him. They are partners. At work. I would argue also in life but I’ll get to that later.

Eddie’s prolonged eye contact with buck, reaching for him. Buck’s shock and terror, staring deeply into Eddie’s eyes and watching him bleed. That whole scene begged the question “now who’s going to save eddie?” Literally and figuratively.

The show starts with the literal answer. buck. It’s finally buck. In 414 he hauled him up, dressed his wound, begged him to stay with him and to live. In Eddie Begins, buck was an onlooker, eddie saved himself in true eddie fashion, but in 414 buck ran point on saving him. Buck dragged him to safety, buck lifted him up, buck stopped the bleeding, and buck served as his lifeline begging him to stay/live.

The other interesting thing I noticed about the scene in 414 in the fire truck on the way to the hospital is that *eddie is not wearing his saint christopher medal*. Buck rips open his shirt to stop the bleeding and the medal is not there. It’s absence is loud af. I squinted to see if it had just slid to the side when buck laid him down but i couldn’t see it at all! Please correct me if I’m wrong.

Anyway that choice, to have the medal not be there or not be visible in that particular scene is huge bc that entire sequence from gunshot to arrival at the hospital is just abt eddie (and buck). In a way, in those scenes at least, buck is wo his armor (firefighter uniform) and eddie is wo his armor (the medal). They are vulnerable in those scenes physically (out in the open, exposed to the shooter) and emotionally (not shielded by their personally meaningful protective items). Combined with the staring and the reaching it’s a big indication that things are abt to get deeper between them (fingers crossed).

Back to 501. remember eddie’s been shot before, in combat. I think what makes the sniper situation important is not just that he could have died (he’s been there done that got the silver star) but that he’s not who he was the last time he almost died by gsw. He’s in LA now, he’s not in the military, chris is growing up, he has the fire fam, he has buck, he’s a widower. Eddie is growing, changing. starting to recognize his emotional needs bc for the first time in his life there’s room/opportunity to do that in a big way and not necessarily have it implode his marriage, piss off his family, hurt chris, or ruin his career. IF he actually confronts himself head on and deals with all the stuff beneath the surface. Repressed. This gunshot isn’t exactly abt his mortality but his quality of life. asking him what’s his life abt and more importantly how can he be his whole authentic self complete with his very own emotions needs and desires embracing love care and support leaning on others. Remember in that one therapy session he had those are the things he wants for chris. Now he has to find and choose those same things for himself.

In 414 by the time eddie is in the hospital, the medal is back and prominent in every scene. He’s back to framing his relationship with buck in terms of chris. But he’s the one making decisions for chris. What he wants for himself and for buck isnt irrelevant here. If it was all abt chris and only chris i think eddie would have told buck abt the will ages ago. If it was all about chris and only chris eddie maybe wouldn’t have struggled so much to say that he made buck chris’s legal guardian if he dies. Nah. I think eddie sees buck as his partner in life too on some level but he couldn’t accept/say that plainly. He had to make it abt only chris in his head in order to be okay with linking their trio of lives together forever through the guardian decision. I mean eddie didn’t even tell buck abt the legal guardian decision bc he was shot, he told him bc buck thought he was expendable! Instead of shaking him and saying you are not and never will be expendable to me, he chose to disclose the will. It was effective for sure. Evan heard him loud and clear. But wow you gave buck a whole ass person, like the person most important to you in the world?? And didn’t say anything until you survived a sniper an effing year later?? That’s a hell of a choice!

Anyway i really hope eddie and buck are on their way to being together bc i can’t take much more of this. Before they get there tho my dude eddie has a lot of work to do this season!

I reference 408 and go into more thoughts on 501 here. I blab abt the heart transplant metaphor in 501 as well as my spec abt parts of 502 by extension here. I am dying to talk abt these arcs y’all like srsly so feel free to rb/comment.

[vanserraseris]

END OF PART XIII - Eris and his mother talk. I love the Lady of Autumn, and I really hope we see a lot more of her in the next books. Just a warning that there are mentions of character death. Thank you to everyone who reads.

ash stop making me cry

Prince of Ashes. Part XIII.

masterlist.

“Pity you had not been with them.” 

His father’s words from earlier that morning rang clear in Eris’s ears as he stood outside the door to his mother’s chambers. What if his mother thought the same? Eris did not want to see the Lady of Autumn, he breathed in deeply through his nose as he stood in the hall outside her room.

He could not bear to face her, not after he’d seen her fall to her knees, her hands fisted in her hair, the anguished cry that had left her lips nothing short of horrible. Eris found himself wishing he could hide under his covers like he’d done as a youngling and wait for this storm to pass, all the others had.

Since Maddox had returned, Cato’s and Owain’s bodies with him, the entire Autumn Court had been thrown into chaos. The territory bordering Winter was left without a leader, the Royal Guard was left without a captain, the people were all left shocked. - Maddox had been quick to put the blame on Eris — for not being there, for spoiling Lucien, for fighting to keep the runt alive the day he’d been born. Eris didn’t blame Maddox for being angry, he’d been angry as well.

Eris had broken the arm of a rich lord for expressing his “sincerest apologies,” Eris was positively certain that he had never been sincere about anything in his entirely too long and worthless life. Eris had also attacked his father’s favourite adviser like some wild beast for suggesting he’d planned the whole thing, that he’d wanted Cato and Owain dead. Eris had nearly strangled him, would have killed him, if Priam and Rufus hadn’t been there to intervene.

Eris felt like everything was falling apart.

With one last exhale, Eris knocked softly on his mother’s door. Rufus had begged him to speak to her, tears in his eyes. She’d gone to the courtyard to see the funerary pyres earlier that day and hadn’t spoken to anyone since. His mother did not answer. Eris had not been expecting her to. He pushed the door open slowly, trying to steady his shaking hand.

His mother was sitting on the edge of her large bed, staring at the wall, her russett eyes emptier than he’d ever seen them before. Eris had seen corpses that looked more alive. 

“Mother?” Eris noticed that there were no flames in the fireplace. The constant crackling and snapping sounds of a roaring fire usually set his mind at ease, so with half a thought, Eris lit some of the small candles in the room, the fireplace coming alive with the slight lift of his fingers.

Her voice was void of any emotion as she responded. “I did not ask for you.”

Eris flinched as he walked towards her, “I know.” He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to muster his softer side, he’d been angry and rude all day. Eris was going to be like Rufus, he was going to be kind and loving, he could be kind and loving if he tried. He decided to get on his knees by the edge of his mother’s bed, thinking it would be better if he wasn’t looking down at her as he spoke.

“I did not want children,” his mother whispered, her eyes still staring at the wall. “Not with him.”

“I know.” It was no secret that his mother was sold into marriage with Beron against her will. Sometimes Eris forgot how young she had been when she’d married the High Lord of the Autumn Court, how young she’d been when she’d had her first child.

“I would pray to the Mother, beg her not to bring a child into this home, every night. It scared me, thinking about what he might do to my children. I had thought the Mother was deaf to my prayers when I learned that I was pregnant with you.” The Lady of Autumn turned to face her eldest son, an unreadable emotion in her eyes, “But you were born, and you were small, and precious and I loved you more than anything, loved each of your brothers the same.”

She looked at Eris as tears filled her eyes, “I tried so hard, Eris. You know that I tried?” 

His mother had sounded so uncertain, so unsure of herself. Eris nodded, “We all know that you did your best.” Eris didn’t know if he could actually speak for the rest of his brothers, but even if none of them cared about anything else, Eris knew they cared about their mother.

She took a shaky breath, “I fear that the Mother remembers those prayers, Eris, that she is punishing me for them, and I will be doomed to watch all my sons die.” Eris did not respond, not knowing what to say. On his knees in front of her, Eris felt like he was about to beg for her forgiveness. Perhaps he should. Eris stiffened when his mother lifted her hand. It hovered between them for a moment before she put her hand back to her lap, the black skirts of her dress rustling. “You always did that,” she mumbled. “The only child I'd ever seen flinch away from his mother’s touch.”

He would have rather she hit him. “I’m sorry.” The words coming from his mouth sounded hollow, unused, but he meant them.

She shook her head, red curls bouncing, “It’s hardly your fault.” She turned both her hands, palms up, a silent offering. Eris knew his mother wouldn’t hold it against him if he didn’t reach out to take them. “Have you been to the courtyard?”

Eris placed one of his hands into hers, “No.” Eris didn’t know if he wanted to go, even if all the others had gone. 

She traced his knuckles with her thumb, “You should, they look at peace.” She tightened her hold on his hand, her voice dropping to a whisper again. “I didn’t know it would hurt this much, Eris, like someone’s ripped out my heart.” Tears streamed down her face, and she actually looked like she might have been in physical pain.

She shook her head, “You know, Cato sounded a bit like Rufus when he laughed.” Eris didn't know that, didn’t know what Cato sounded like when he’d laughed, didn’t think he’d heard him before. Eris was finding it hard to breathe. His mother’s grip on his hand tightened even more, “My little boys, Eris, I’ve failed them.” Eris was going to burn the house to the ground. He didn’t think their mother had failed them, he didn’t think if he said it to her it’d make anything better.

“Tell me what to do,” Eris almost begged, “Tell me what I can do to help.”

She took another shaky breath, voice wavering as she said, “I don’t want him to light the pyres, Eris.”

“I'll do it,” he could convince his father to let him do it.

She nodded once, letting go of his hand, “Thank you.”

Eris took that as the dismissal it was, getting back to his feet.

“Eris?” She reached out for the black sleeve of his embroidered jacket, holding it tightly.

He froze, waiting a moment before he asked, “Mother?”

“I love you very much.”

Eris thought he could feel something in him crack, thought he felt something inside him break. Eris didn’t remember the last time someone had told him that and he’d believed it. Eris wasn’t even sure if he believed it now. He leaned down, kissing her cheek as he mumbled, “Love you.”

She let go of his sleeve, nodding once. Eris glanced back to his mother one final time before he left the room. She’d gone back to staring at the wall, unmoving. Eris had never noticed how small she was, how the large skirts of her dress seemed to swallow her whole.

As soon as he’d shut the door behind him, Eris winnowed to the courtyard. It was cool out, the breeze slow and lazy.

In Autumn, funerals started right as the last rays of the sun were disappearing over the horizon, right at the start of the day’s death. The pyres would burn all night — until there was nothing left but ash. He’d have to speak to his father about lighting them, wanting to grant his mother’s wish.

He stood between the two pyres now. Someone had washed away the blood from their faces, had brushed their hair, had placed golden crowns on their heads. His mother was right, they did look at peace. If Eris didn’t know any better, he’d have thought his brothers were sleeping.

Eris looked closely at Cato. Lucien’s kill, a cruel sort of irony that Lucien had thrown one of Cato’s own knives at him. Eris remembered when Cato had been born. His father had put a heavy hand on his shoulder, leaned in close and had told him in a low voice that he was expendable. Eris had been sent to a war camp the next day. It was no surprise that they had resented each other, that they grew more bitter year by year. But Cato had warned him about Beron, and Eris was grateful.

Eris turned to face Owain. He’d been a hero in Autumn, born before the War and grown up to fight in it. Everywhere, people told tales of his victories in battle. It was almost impossible for Eris to believe what Maddox had told them all. Owain dropping his sword as Tamlin lunged at him didn’t seem like a mistake he would have made. Maddox had also made sure to tell Eris that Owain wouldn’t have killed Lucien, wouldn’t have let Cato do it either. For whatever reason, Eris believed it.

Eris awkwardly stood there, well aware that he couldn’t really mourn them, he barely knew them. Eris was certain about one thing — he should have been there, Eris would have been able to stop this from happening.

Eris felt ancient.

With a long sigh, he sat on the ground between his dead brothers. They’d been his greatest rivals, his strongest opponents. There was no other way in the Autumn Court. Eris made a promise to himself that when he became High Lord, he’d change it.

Cauldron, Eris thought, they were all so fucked up. He wondered when Beron had stopped pulling their strings, when the sharp words and harsh actions were no longer dictated by their father, when cruelty had become a part of them. He wondered when they had stopped seeing each other as brothers and started seeing each other as obstacles.

When Eris had been very young, he’d liked sneaking out of the Forest House. He couldn’t do anything, couldn’t really go anywhere, but he sometimes found himself lying on the ground, staring up at the sky. He did the same thing now. Sprawled on his back, Eris stared up at the blue sky, noticing that there wasn’t a single cloud in sight. If anyone walked by and saw him on the cold, hard ground between his brothers’ funeral pyres, surely they would think he’d gone mad, but Eris didn’t care.

Eris figured this would be his last chance to say something to his brothers, but he was old, and he’d seen many die, and he felt as though the dead couldn’t hear him anyway. It occurred to Eris that he could apologize for never being there when they’d needed him, but Eris didn’t think apologies meant much if you weren’t forgiven. Eris took a deep breath, his chest aching, he couldn’t very well say nothing — it didn’t seem right.

His voice wavered as he said, “Cauldron save you,” words he remembered his mother speaking at the pyres of her dead sisters. “Mother hold you. Pass through the gates, and smell that immortal land of milk and honey. Fear no evil. Feel no pain.” They’d felt enough while they’d been alive, Eris thought, Eris understood. He took a shaky breath as he whispered the last words of the short prayer, the wind carrying them. “Go, and enter eternity.”

[airashisakura]

Pregnancy Diaries

Chapter 2 - Arguments

Chapter 1

Rating: General audience

Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke & Haruno Sakura

Summary : Sasuke takes a rash decision that leads to a little argument.

FFN Ao3

Traveling with Sakura had shown Sasuke a side of her that was less known to him. Her dedication to the medic rules and her compassion towards her patients always left him in awe. Her green eyes turned serious when the healing chakra flowed through her dainty palm and her stern expression changed to a gentle one when her patient finally breathed in relief at the end of her procedure.

He doesn’t know whether Sakura’s patients feel the same, but the sight always calmed his raging interior. In a genuine sense, she was a healer. She healed everyone unconditionally and tended to both physical and mental wounds. He thought maybe nobody else thought about  her that way because only he knew how she was mending all the open wounds of his past.

He also helped people in the places where he stopped to rest while on his journey, but Sakura amplified the whole concept of atoning for his sins just by being by his side. She was always ready to help people with her knowledge of medical ninjutsu. Sometimes Sasuke wondered if it was all necessary for her to do, especially for his sake. He had told her before too that his sins had nothing to do with her, but she always insisted that it was her duty. Being away from Konohagakure undoubtedly gave her a break from her responsibilities, but healing people always left her with a sense of serenity. And now, after months of traveling together, he always felt pride when he watched her work.

But today it irked him. He was impatiently waiting for his wife. He leaned against the door at one of the cabins of the local clinic in the town where they were staying. He furrowed his brows in irritation, watching his wife push her limits. The staff there had also asked her to not expend her chakra much in her present state, but she stubbornly ignored their advice with a reassuring smile. And to her husband, she did worse.

Sakura could feel Sasuke’s burning gaze on her even though her back faced him. She knew he wouldn't just order her to leave whatever she was doing and join him, but from the moment she sensed his chakra nearby, she knew he was there demanding the same. She didn’t even bother to turn back and give him a cute assuring smile, because she knew it wouldn't work on him now because he wasn’t there just for her, but for both of them . He had no say over her frantic working habits before, but since now she was carrying part of him inside of her, he had a right to interrupt her.

Sakura wiped sweat rolling from her forehead with the back of her hand and then took off her white coat. She promised the staff there that she would visit tomorrow to help them again. Sakura took little unsteady steps due to her overuse of chakra, but she concealed it by accumulating the meagre amount of chakra she had left under her feet so she didn’t fall over. She grinned at Sasuke, and he nodded in response.  His onyx orb fell on her slightly engorged belly, announcing the start of her second trimester.

They walked through the streets to reach the inn where they were staying. Sakura chattered about the patients she healed and asked Sasuke about his day to which he kept his answers short but informative. Even though Sakura was trying her best to act normal, she wanted to get to the room as soon as possible.. She realized that she had overexerted herself and didn't want Sasuke to worry about her health.

It was difficult to fool Sasuke, though. He had already noticed she was struggling to walk. He knew she hated feeling weak, so he discarded the thought of helping her walk, but stayed sharp in case she lost her balance.

As Sasuke unlocked the door, Sakura felt chakra dissipating from under the soles of her feet and lightheadedness started taking over. The best she could do was to recline to the wall alongside the door as the world around her spun and she heard her name in a concerned voice. It hit her hard that she’d made Sasuke worry.

“Sakura?” Sasuke gently wrapped his lone arm around her waist, letting Sakura rest her head on his chest. In times like this, he wished he had taken the prosthetic arm.

Sakura smiled wearily as she regained her balance, but Sasuke didn’t let her go. He shut the door with his foot and then moved towards the bed. Sakura sat down carefully and started rubbing her small baby bump, smiling to herself. Sasuke hated to interrupt the beautiful scene, but he knew he had to say something.

“You are resting tomorrow,” he said as he handed her a glass of water.

Sakura knew he was concerned too, and it made him feel guilty that he couldn’t abandon his journey to go back to Konoha and stay with her. Sakura said, “But we will leave the day after tomorrow so I need to check on them once before we leave.” She drank up the water and thanked him, smiling.

Sasuke took the glass from her as he moved to keep it on the bedstand and said, “Not in your current condition,” and sat on the other side of the bed. He knew it would upset her, and he didn’t want to be swayed by her expression.

Instead, Sakura frowned and said, “Sasuke-kun, it’s necessary to work during pregnancy. I told you earlier, and… ”

He cut her off. “You forget your limits.” He knew Sakura would give him the same mini-lecture he had been hearing from day one of her pregnancy, how being active would help with her labor and all kinds of stuff, but he couldn’t stay silent and let her continue to overwork herself.

“I know.” She sighed. “But I promise this won’t happen again.” She craned her neck to look at his back, hoping he might see her pleading look.

“No.” His reply was blunt.

“I’m the medic here. I know what is good for me and my baby,” Sakura pointed out, trying to dissipate his concern.

My baby?

He repeated those two words mentally, and it broke the last strings that kept him from lashing out at her. The Uchiha was very possessive of the people he loved and he couldn’t immediately forgive even his wife for denying his concerns and untold fears for their unborn child. Sasuke furrowed his brows as he pinched the bridge of his nose, thinking deeply about a decision he had been considering for quite some time. No matter how rude it might sound, he had to voice it out.

“Starting tomorrow, we will start for Konoha. Once I drop you there, I’ll resume my journey.”

Sakura couldn’t believe what she had heard. She looked towards Sasuke, but his back again greeted her.

“W-what?”

“Aah. At least you’ll listen to people there and won’t overwork.” He tried to remain calm.

Sakura lost it then. Sasuke’s words not only hurt her but made her angry. The day she told Sasuke about her pregnancy, he had been reluctant to let her continue the journey, but Sakura promised she would be okay if he would be by her side. The best reason she had given him was that he could also see their child grow little by little, and even Sasuke didn’t want to miss that opportunity. And now, at the 16th week of pregnancy, he ignored every reason for them to be together just to win a petty argument over her.

Ridiculous, she thought.

She wanted to remind him how happy she was to be able to see the world together with their baby. But she was too tired to argue with him or try to prove him wrong. Tears started to sting her eyes as she lay down to rest on the bed and grumbled, “Fine.”

“I’ll fetch something to eat,” Sasuke said, getting off the bed. Sakura mumbled a yes in response.

Sasuke didn’t like hurting Sakura after everything he had done to her in the past, but this decision was for Sakura’s sake and for their baby’s health. He sighed and looked towards her before exiting the room.

Although he maintained a calm demeanor while walking through the streets, his inner demons reminded him that he had always been incapable of protecting his family. This fear of losing the people he loved still ran through his veins. No, Uchiha Sasuke wasn’t sulking over the fact, but it infuriated him. He quickened his pace to find a restaurant so he could return to Sakura.

Pregnancy blues had never hit Sakura until that day. Although she knew that overusing her chakra was not good for the baby, the thought of living alone again made her anxious. Although she knew living in Konoha surrounded by her friends would be safer than traveling. But after waiting all these years to be with him, and what was happening now was not fair. Sakura sighed in defeat. She felt selfish for canceling after she had promised to help the next day, but Sasuke was genuinely worried about her.

“I’m back.” Sasuke announced, and she got up from her resting position. Sasuke didn’t need his sharingan to know his abrupt behavior had upset her. A silence hung between them before Sakura spoke softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Please, Sasuke-kun. Let me stay with you.”

Sasuke wanted her words to calm him down, but his brooding over his failure tasted so bitter in his mouth that he spat out, “Damn it, Sakura. Just understand.” He stopped when he realized his voice had terrified her. He rubbed his forehead, choosing his next words carefully. He sighed and scooted near her and sat beside her. Sakura quickly wiped away her fresh tears.

“I-I fear losing you and…” His expression softened and his gaze fell to her bump. That was when Sakura realized Sasuke had also been hiding his fears. Not only that, but his past also haunted him.

Before Sasuke could react, Sakura wrapped her arms around his torso, pulling him in a hug. Yes, that's what he needed. No clarification through words. He reciprocated her by holding her tightly, snuggling but careful not to crush her bump. Both of them embraced their warmth, unaware that the third member was most elated by their interaction. Sakura abruptly broke out of embrace when she felt something fluttering in her stomach.

“Sasuke-kun.” Sakura squeaked, her green eyes gleaming. “Our baby moved. I felt it.”

It was rare for Sasuke to smile, but he couldn’t help it. The smile quickly wore out when he remembered what he had really wanted was to ensure their safety even if he had to miss them. He tried to rationalize every pro and con as he watched the most beautiful sight, his wife having a one-sided conversation with their unborn baby. His lips curled upward. Unlike in the past, he didn’t have to regret his decision later.

“Sakura, Stay with me.”

Sakura nodded happily, her tears foaming her green orbs, “ Just take me to the clinic tomorrow so I could apologize to them for not helping.”

Sasuke nodded in response.

The little one moved again, unaware how it settled the arguments between its parents and strengthened the bridge of feelings between them both.

Chapter - 3

[the-blue-fairie]

On pitting characters against each other and bad media criticism in the Frozen fandom:

So, I made a post a few days ago about undue negativity towards Elsa in the fandom where I criticized a comment someone made on one of my posts The comment said that Anna deserved to know that she was loved and the deleted scene where Elsa shows Anna the memory of her parents should have been left in the finished film (something I agree with), but also said that, “Outside of Kristoff, Anna can count on everyone else using her, leaving her, and manipulating her” (something I do not agree with and I feel throws not only Elsa but Olaf, Mattias, and the Northuldra under the bus.)

But today this same commenter reblogged one of my analysis posts and praised it, so I thought, “Hey, maybe I was too harsh on this person. We seem to agree on certain things.” So I looked over at their blog to see if I misjudged them and...

Oh dear, where to begin? First of all, I don’t believe Lee and Buck “hate” Anna. I think they love Anna very much, just like they love Elsa very much. People in this fandom, when talking about flaws in the writing of F2, always want to claim that the writers/directors/actors are conspiring against their favorite character. You see it with certain people claiming that the filmmakers “hate” Elsa and you see it with certain people (like this individual here) claiming that the writers “hate” Anna.

Writing doesn’t work like that. Making a film is a long and difficult process and sometimes the filmmakers make mistakes or make bad choices or end up creating a scene with negative ramifications all while having the best intentions. It’s not malice, it’s just an unfortunate circumstance or, at worst, poor writing. And I’m not saying we can’t talk about flaws in F2 or scenes that are badly written and might undermine certain characters’ arcs. I do that all the time myself. But saying that those flaws are because the filmmakers hate one of their characters is... That’s not a valid way to go about film criticism.

I also don’t think that Lee and Buck “destroyed [Anna] to promote Elsa.” Now, I do feel that there are flaws in the writing of F2 and that has negative consequences sometimes for both of the sisters’ arcs. And I do have conflicting feelings about the fact that so much of Anna’s arc is about suffering, about watching her world crumble about her while she tries to keep it intact; whereas Elsa’s arc is so much bout validation. As someone who connects deeply with Anna’s pain in F2, Anna’s arc hurts to watch. And sometimes, on an instinctive level, I feel that Anna’s arc is cruel to her and that I can’t watch this character that I see myself in go through pain after pain after pain even when she is going to pick herself back up - and I do feel that the film should have given her more validation at points.

But even with my misgivings about Anna’s arc, I don’t think the filmmakers “destroyed her.” In fact, I think Anna’s arc is far more cohesive than Elsa’s in F2. (When I say this, everyone, I am NOT saying that “the filmmakers hate Elsa and that’s why Anna’s arc is stronger” and I’m NOT saying “something something conspiracy about KBell” - but I do feel the writers weren’t quite sure what to do with Elsa because she means so much to so many people and she’s kind of “too much for Disney: too powerful, too traumatized, too independent, too gay,” as a writer put it recently, and the writers are trapped having to write Elsa within the confines of the stifling Disney system - just as they are trapped in the same way when writing Anna.)  But anyway, I feel this person is completely wrong when they say Lee and Buck “destroyed” Anna. Anna is still Anna. She’s still brave, fearless, resourceful, struggling with her trauma day by day and striving forward to do the Next Right Thing. In my personal opinion, The Next Right Thing is the true spiritual successor of Let it Go and one of my favorite songs in the franchise - even if it hurts me so much to watch the scene that I hardly do... because it feels too real. But the fact it feels too real only goes to show the love that was put into it. The filmmakers didn’t destroy Anna.

Also... “Elsa should have been killed off and not brought back”? WHAT? That’s just... deliberately incendiary, trying to push people’s buttons. And I know Elsa is just a fictional character so you might say I should calm down but... that’s the thing. Elsa is a fictional character, so this person should calm down about her. How can you expend such hate for a character who has a good heart, who tries over and over to do the right thing and who, like Anna, has suffered trauma? Elsa isn’t a deliberately cruel character. Elsa is an incredibly loving and empathetic character. And while, yes, I’d argue that there are aspects of Elsa’s arc in F2 that are poorly written, that isn’t Elsa’s fault because Elsa isn’t real. As hb-pickle put it recently, if you have issues with the way Elsa is written, focus your energy on saying something like, “These and these aspects of the writing fell short and although it seems like the filmmakers wanted to convey [x], they actually ended up conveying [y] and [z] because of these and these flaws.”

As I’ve mentioned previously, it’s interesting to me how much this person’s attitude parallels someone like Isa’s attitude in key ways, in spite of the fact that one person ships KA and the other EA. It’s actually really interesting how much extreme KA shippers and extreme EA shippers have in common sometimes even when neither side will admit it because they hate each other’s ships and see themselves as utterly opposed. 

 And sometimes, it’s not even commonality in negative behaviors but in critiques that actually show a positive common ground between these two groups, if anyone paused to consider that common ground. I’m not saying we should be trying to find common ground with someone like Isa who behaves so corrosively though - just that there’s sometimes commonality in critiques from opposite ends of the fandom that I find surprising. Like, the post that this person praised in the tag was a post where I talked about Elsa’s conclusion in F2 feeling unearned because the film focuses more on Elsa’s connection to Ahtohallan than to human beings. I was saying that, although we have no evidence that Elsa literally lives on the glacier (something BEH proponents sometimes suggest), we DO have evidence that the film cares more about Elsa’s connection to the glacier than to people.

So my argument, this person’s agreement with my argument, and the BEH argument all align in strong ways, actually. We’re all trying to make an argument about flaws or frustrating issues with the way Elsa was written. We all agree about core aspects of what we are discussing. 

But where I try to say, “This is a flaw in the text that I feel distances Elsa from her humanity and, as an Elsa fan, I have mixed feelings about that,” this person feels, “This is a flaw in the text that means Elsa is bad and emotionally distant and the filmmakers don’t criticize this emotional distance because the filmmakers are bad and don’t care as much about Anna’s pain as they do Elsa’s validation and the filmmakers... love Elsa and hate Anna.” And then someone like Isa feels, “This is a flaw in the text that distances Elsa from her humanity and that proves the filmmakers hate Elsa.” And also, knowing Isa, she’d probably blame it all on the malice of Kristen Bell in a similar way as this person blames things on the malice of Lee and Buck.

But again, it’s not malice. At worst, it’s bad writing emerging from good intentions.

For years now, people in the Frozen fandom have had a bad habit of tearing certain characters down to prop their favorite characters up. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You don’t have to tear Elsa down to prop up Anna up. You don’t have to pit the sisters against each other. You don’t have to tear Anna down to prop Elsa up. You don’t have to tear Kristoff down to prop Elsa up. You don’t have to tear Elsa down to prop Kristoff up. You don’t have to tear Olaf down to prop Kristoff up. And you don’t have to tear the Northuldra down to prop up your “vision” of Elsa.

You don’t need to tear characters down to celebrate those you love. 

And, if you read this and think I’m trying to order you to like certain characters or trying to stop valid criticism of characters or of the franchise, recognize that you’re approaching this post in bad faith. Because I value valid criticism and I engage in it myself... but extremist takes like these undermine valid criticism. They don’t help it.

(Also, I’m not equating people with Isa. Isa’s racist rhetoric sets her apart and makes her worse than other extreme people within the fandom, but that doesn’t mean other extreme people don’t have similarities to her behavior in other ways. And people should pause to check the extremes of their own biases.) 

[i-love-ninjago-kai]

Hi again!! I hope this isn’t too soon to ask again, I don’t want to burden you. Anyways, I really loved your last Kailor posts and though I’d love more on that, I wanted your thoughts on Kai keeping things locked up emotionally because I noticed that was something you’ve mentioned a few times. I’ve been working on an angsty Kai fic (post s3 stuff) where of course he hides everything he’s going through, and so I’ve been thinking about that a lot and how he’s been like that. Like him being more secretive from an early age to protect Nya and how that habit stays. Also how he deals with others being suspicious that he’s hiding stuff and how he’d react when confronted about it. I know this is a lot to unpack though so if you don’t want to that’s fine! :) (this was too long for an ask that’s why I did a submission)

- Submitted by @ofmagicandmusic -

Hey there friend, thank you! It warms my heart that my rambles can be helpful haha,

Sure, I’ll see what I can do :)

(Gonna be putting this one under read more too.. Sorry!!)

So... Kai doesn’t necessarily hide when he’s struggling with something, or rather, he’s really really bad at it. He’s a very emotive person, albeit he leans more toward the negative side of emotions. If someone doesn’t know him well, Kai is just brash and has a million dollar glare that could burn you alive, and a temper to be wary of.

However if you do know him, have seen what really goes on behind his eyes, it’s a little more complicated. We see that generally when Kai is in a good mood, he’s wearing a contented smile and is altogether pleasant to be around, that’s the side that Kai tries to show the media only.

But that’s not all Kai is. There’s plenty of days when he’s irritable and grumpy, and you have to be careful not to set off his volatile rage, he’s feeling all this and.. Nothing is wrong. Everyone is in good health, things are good in ninjago, all together things are well. Kai just has days when he’s angry, and the team knows this, and they love him all the same, happy Kai, or angry Kai.

Now... it’s deciphering whether or not Kai is having and Angry day, or he’s actually struggling with something, is when it gets tricky.

Because Kai will always give you the same answer when you ask. 

“No, I’m fine.” “I’m Alright.” Or a glare with more ice in it than what Zane can produce.

Kai has a really, really hard time letting people in. He’s spent his entire life doing things himself, and he doesn’t really see a reason to change that. No one was there for him when he was dirt poor, raising his little sister, and he handled it. 

Sure, it left irreparable damage, and his stress and loneliness festered into intense trust issues and low expectations for others, but he handled it. 

He took on ignacia’s judgmental and pitying stares, watched as no one really reached out a hand to help. He raised his little sister because she’s all that mattered. He doesn’t need anyone’s help.

Kai doesn’t need people to solve his problems for him, he doesn’t want them wasting their effort on him. Especially if he’s got it all under control.

He’s got it all under control.

And then Zane died, and Kai couldn’t handle it. Kai should be able to handle everything, he’s been cheated and life has been cruel to him, so he should be used to it pulling stuff to hurt him. 

But Zane is dead, and Kai doesn’t know what to do. Kai always knows what to do, and now he doesn’t. Everyone is mourning and comforting each other but it doesn’t even matter because Zane is still dead.

And it should have been him. Zane was everything Kai isn’t and didn’t deserve to die that way. Kai? Kai is expendable, he knows he’s no lynchpin or what holds the team together.

So why didn’t he die? Kai would’ve traded anything to take Zane’s place because it’s not fair. Kai has been put in an unfair situation, his entire childhood was unfair. Fine, he lived through that.

But this is wrong. It’s so wrong it makes him sick because he wants so badly to change it, but he can’t. He feels so deeply at fault that he is nauseated to even be in the team’s presence. Because he knows they can see how miserable he is, and he wouldn’t dare make them think he can’t handle his pain alone.

So he leaves. It’s night time, and everyone is still so, so tired from the overlord, and their loss. No one wakes, or even stirs as he leaves through the bounty’s window.

It’s not hard for him to make a new identity, this place is full of people who’ve run away too, he hasn’t been in the press much yet, and it’s not like these people care, all of them are as miserable as him. Who were they to judge him?

He falls into a spiral of fighting and drinking, his dingy little apartment he’s managed to rent is only used to sleeping at this point, or nursing his more serious injuries he receives at various fight clubs. At some point he stops trying to feel better. He doesn’t deserve to feel better, so he doesn’t.

He makes ‘friends’. Well, they’re not really friends, they’re terrible people who in reality couldn’t care less about him. But misery loves company, right?

The bruises he comes home with don’t even phase him anymore. When he came home to the team with bruises, he’d allow himself the pleasure of complaining a little, maybe letting himself sleep in a little longer. 

Now they just feel like a part of him, they change areas an severity, but in the end they’re all the same, and Zane is still dead. So does it really matter?

He doesn’t like the taste of the alcohol he drinks, it’s bitter and the still good part of him is ashamed to be drinking it. But it makes him forget, just for a little while, so does that matter either?

Shame pools in the pit of his stomach when Lloyd confronts him, he’s nursing a drink while he’s talking to the kid. He shouldn’t see him like that, but he does, and it’s too late.

Lloyd doesn’t ask him how he’s doing when he sees him, which Kai is sort of thankful for. He doesn’t really know how to answer. Because it’s obvious he’s bad, really bad. But even after sinking so so low and feeling so so... Awful, Kai still doesn’t want to ask for help.

He either doesn’t deserve help or he doesn’t want it. At this point he’s not sure.

He has to really look to find one of his gis, since he burned  most of them up one particularly terrible night. A ninja doesn’t go around looking for a fight, but Kai does, so he burns his whatever evidence is left of who he was.

I wish I could say that Kai get’s better after his time in hiding, working with the Slither Pit. But really... it get’s worse, because now Kai is so ashamed of what he’s done, and how that time changed him. 

He’s got new scars that don’t have honorable explanations, made some very bad people angry and he prays they never come looking for him. 

Worst of all, he abandoned them. He abandoned Nya, his sister who already knows the pain of abandonment. He repeated history, leaving her when he was the one person who promised never to.

But she forgives him, and in a way, he thinks that’s worse than her being angry. So he holds a grudge for the two of them, if she’s not going to be mad... Then he is.

So now asking for comfort is a luxury, that he absolutely doesn’t deserve. He neither wants, needs, or deserves help from his friends, not from his family, or anyone.

Well... Unless you’re Skylor. Skylor always gives him this... This look when he’s keeping something in. This look has to be magic because it makes his jaw unhinge and suddenly he’s talking. Talking to her.

And the first time it happens it scares him, because now she knows. She knows everything and she’s going to tell everyone how messed up he is (As if it’s not obvious)

So he waits for the team to ask questions. They never do, because Skylor never told them. 

She told them nothing. Everything she knows about him is still... Just in her mind.

The smart part of his mind knows that’s not great. To only open up to one person, but Kai is so afraid to show weakness, because he can’t. He’s spent his entire life having to be strong, he can’t break down, he has to be ready because sometimes the others aren’t.

He has to be a steady flame, that persists, and doesn’t go out.

Sorry this is long... I could go on!!! But it’s already soooo long and I went on some tangents, Sorry!! Hope this is helpful!!!

[bonjour-rainycity]

The Long Way Around ~ Chapter 7

Link to previous part: https://bonjour-rainycity.tumblr.com/post/623403705475219456/the-long-way-around-chapter-6

Pairing: Jasper x Reader

Word count: 2208

Warnings: None

Y/n’s POV

It’s been around six months since I joined this new life. I can feel my newborn strength fading by the day, though my bloodlust does not show me the same mercy. I’ve yet to have a true encounter with a human, and I hope to avoid one for a very long time. I have no doubt in my mind that I would lose control. Jasper says it’s normal, that I’m doing well, and that I shouldn’t worry about the future and instead focus on improving today. Some days I believe him, some days I don’t. I guess it all comes with the territory of being thrust into a life you never thought could exist.

My case hasn’t had any leads since they arrested my assailant, though, since there’s no body to find, I don’t suppose I can assign any blame. I’m old news now, except for the occasional plea from my parents or a friend for anyone who knows something to come forward. Those break me every time. It pains me more than I ever thought possible to see the people I love hurting and know their hurting is in vain, but not be able to do anything to ease it because I will literally kill them. Carlisle and Esme have taken a few trips on my behalf, for which I am endlessly grateful. A run-in at the grocery store here or a quick drive by their house at night. It’s not much, and it hurts deeply to not be able to take the errands myself, but I think it would be worse not to know how they’re doing.

My self-control has gotten slightly better. I’m down to hunting only about once a week now. I fill my newfound free time with odds and ends. I read books, decorate my room, let Alice do my hair, work on learning Spanish, and play board games with the other vampires in the house. It’s nice to start seeing them more as friends rather than roommates. It certainly makes shoving myself into their daily life much more bearable.

Jasper still doesn’t let up with his constant babysitting of me, but I don’t mind it like I used to. In all honesty, we’ve become pretty great friends. He definitely knows me better than anyone else in the house, and I would seek out his company even if it wasn’t a necessity. Right now we’re reading through all the Harry Potter’s together just to pass the time. Esme was very encouraging of our project, even buying two copies of each book for us and one copy of each book in Spanish, to help with my studies. She’s so thoughtful. Jasper didn’t like the books at first, but at my and Bella’s behest, stuck with them. I think he had trouble getting into them because he didn’t grow up reading them. But now we’re on book five, and if we go more than two days without reading a chapter, he bugs me about it. It’s kinda cute. As both of us tend toward the introvert side of the spectrum, we spend much of our days in one of our rooms. Seldom are we apart, so it surprises me when he sends Emmett, Arthur, and Rosalie with me to hunt and doesn’t include himself. Hurt that I really hope he doesn’t notice pricks at me. He probably just needs a break, relax. You guys do spend a lot of time together…maybe you’re getting on his nerves. But I don’t protest outwardly, not wanting to seem annoying. Besides, I like everyone in my entourage just fine and spending quality time with them wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

“Have fun. I’ll uh, see you later.” While Jasper’s voice is calm, he looks anywhere but my eyes.

I try not to let my hurt show, but I know he must feel it. “Okay, you too.”

He offers me a smile that seems strained.

Once more, I brush off my insecurities and follow Rosalie outside to meet the guys. Emmett is grinning broadly, wringing his hands together.

“Since we ditched the wet blanket, I thought we’d hunt something a little more fun today,” He proposes, a gleam in his eye. Despite my down mood, I can’t help but be terribly interested.

“What did you have in mind?”

{***}

Bears. Bears were what he had in mind. I let out a shout of exhilaration as I wrestle with a grizzly five times my size. It’s a ridiculously intoxicating feeling to grapple with one of nature’s most feared predators and come out on top. It makes me feel so capable. And, unsurprisingly, grizzly blood is leagues better than that of a puny deer. I make a commitment to do this much more often.

By the end of it, my clothes are history, but thankfully, Rosalie thought to pack a change in our backpacks. She leads me behind a tree to change, laughing when we hear growls from both men and bear. They’re nearly indistinguishable, and the difference wouldn’t be perceptible at all to human ears.

But Jasper’s absence is still bothering me. This seems like something he would love, and it’s weird that he seemed intent on avoiding it. Did I do something to upset him? I weigh my options, and decide Rosalie is a trustworthy enough person to risk asking. It’s better than not knowing and letting my insecurities run wild.

Still, I try to sound unaffected, not wanting to reveal how much I actually care. “I wonder why Jasper didn’t want to join? Bears are so much more fun.”

Not at all fooled, Rosalie chuckles. “Jasper had some business in town to attend to. He can’t take you with him, for obvious reasons, and I guess he thought the three of us wouldn’t be that bad of a trade.”

I nod, feeling a bit better. It’s just an errand then, nothing I did personally.

But Rosalie grins, not done with me yet. “Why?”

“I don’t know, I just hoped I wasn’t annoying him or something.” I shrug, wanting to exit this conversation as quickly as possible.

“Please, I don’t think Jasper could ever be annoyed by you.”

Wait, what? “What do you mean?”

Rosalie laughs, pulling a twig out of my hair. “He hangs onto your every word. He waits on you hand and foot.” When I don’t respond, Rosalie raises her eyebrows, disbelieving. “You really haven’t noticed?”

I shrug, quickly running through the past six months of my new life. “I guess I just thought it was his job.”

Rose scoffs and shakes her head. “No. Now that he knows your limits he really only needs to be with you when you hunt.” She shrugs. “He enjoys your company.” Then, with the teasing smirk of an older sister, she begins to walk away. “Do with that information what you will.”

She leaves me, and I stand, stunned. So for the past who knows how long, Jasper has chosen to spend all that time with me? The realization makes my dead heart feel something I don’t recognize, something tender. Since Edward’s not here it makes no sense to police my own thoughts. And, if I’m being honest with myself, I totally seek out Jasper’s company too, regardless of the need for oversight. With him, everything is just so natural; I feel perfectly at home in this completely strange life. I gulp, not really sure what that all means.

Thankfully, Emmett saves me from figuring it out at the moment.

“Hey kid, let’s go! It looks like it’s gonna rain.”

We speed home, all wary of Alice’s reaction if we were to ruin even more items of her carefully curated designer clothes.

As it is, she gives me a disapproving look the moment we walk through the door. “Next time, please wear something more expendable.”

I frown, feeling bad, and Arthur grabs Alice’s hand and distracts her with a kiss before she can chastise me further.

“Sorry, Alice.”

But she only smiles, all traces of a sour mood gone.

I can hear Jasper shuffling papers down in the basement and I automatically take a step in that direction. Then, I pause, deciding that it might be beneficial to test Rosalie’s theory. So instead, I drop my bag by the couch, turn on my heel, and head upstairs to my room. I pick book off my shelf and wait.

Not three minutes later I hear his steps on the stairs and his knock on the door.

“Hey, can I come in?”

I pat the spot on the bed beside me. “Of course. How was town?”

He raises his eyebrows.

I smile guiltily. “Rosalie mentioned you had business there.”

He chuckles and sits, seeming more comfortable now. “Yeah, town was good. Got everything taken care of.”

Now it’s my turn to raise my eyebrows, but it quickly becomes apparent that he does not intend to expand upon the term ‘business’, so I let it go. “Emmett took me bear hunting.”

Jasper grins and pulls his legs into a criss-cross, leaning his back against the wall. “What’d you think?”

“So much better than deer,” I enthuse. His grin widens. I make a face like I’m suddenly remembering something. “Oh, I left my bag downstairs. Be right back.”

And before I can even swing my legs off the bed, he’s standing, shaking his head. “No, you look comfortable. I got it.”

A thrill so strong I know he feels it rushes through me. Rosalie might not have been too far off. Still, I school my expression by the time he returns.

I express my appreciation and decide to try the next reaction I want to test. I recount, in excruciating detail, my bear hunt. And, just as Rosalie said, he hangs onto my every word. He laughs at each bad joke and grins at each clear exaggeration. He actually listens. I can’t believe I’ve never noticed this before.

And then I feel a little bad for experimenting on him without his knowledge, so I try to make up for it. “Is there anything you want to do tonight?”

He shakes his head immediately. “I’m fine with doing whatever.”

“No,” I laugh, grabbing his arm and giving it a light shake. “You always have to do what I do and you’re such a good sport. It’s my turn to try something you like.”

He thinks, and then smiles almost self-consciously. “Well, okay. There’s this cliff and waterfall  about eighty miles north of here that’s absolutely gorgeous. And, being virtually indestructible and all, it’s really fun to jump from the top and land in the pool of water beneath it. I haven’t been in forever.”

I smile as I stare up at him, game for anything he suggests. “Let’s do it.”

“Really? You’re sure?” I definitely am, but even if I wasn’t, his wide, excited beaming would make me say yes. It’s just too sweet to turn down.

“Absolutely.”

He stands then, evidently ready to put our plan in action. “Just don’t tell Esme.”

I want to question why, but suddenly remember Esme’s tragic experience with cliffs. I agree readily. As quietly as possible so as not to attract attention, we decide to gather our necessities and meet at the stairs in five minutes. I throw on a swimsuit Alice had the forethought to buy under an unassuming outfit. I grab one of my towels from the bathroom and toss it in my backpack. After a moment’s consideration, I add The Order of the Phoenix, feeling that it can’t hurt to bring it along. As planned, we join at the top of the stairs and walk slowly down, trying not to be too noticeable. But of course, it doesn’t work out that way, and we’re spotted the minute we make it to the kitchen.

“Where are you two going?” Esme’s question throws me off guard, and I panic.

“Hunting.”

Jasper eyes me clandestinely, obviously not pleased with my lack of improvisation finesse.

Emmett appears then, teasing. “What, bears not enough for you?”

Thankfully, Jasper’s at the top of his game. “Interacting with the humans in town today was a little much for me. I’d rather err on the side of caution.”

“What do you need Y/n for? To watch and shout encouragements?” Emmett laughs heartily at his own strange sense of humor.

Esme smiles, and I can’t tell if she fully believes us or not. Nevertheless, she lightly pushes on Emmett’s shoulder, directing him out of the kitchen with instructions to “leave us be”.

Once outside, I work to hold in my giggles until we’re out of earshot.

“Well, remind me to never involve you in a lie.” Jasper’s voice is teasing, and he pokes me lightly in my side.

I roll my eyes, unable to stop the laughter. “I panicked! I didn’t expect anyone to actually ask. Did they believe us though?”

Jasper shakes his head slowly, considering. “They were definitely suspicious. But for now, we’re in the clear. Just remind me to catch a deer or something on the way back so I won’t be a total fraud.”

I smile, mirth emboldening me to take his hand. And with that, we break into a run, excited to reach our destination.

A/n I work like every day this week so I probably should have spaced out posting these chapters. Whoops! Buuuut I’ve had a really fun time writing them and I’ve just been excited to get them out. So this week will probably be slower with the updates, sorry! Still, let me know what you thought about this chapter and if you would like to be added to the tag list!

xx, 

Bjr

Link to next part: https://bonjour-rainycity.tumblr.com/post/623575983503638528/the-long-way-around-chapter-8

Tag list: @puer-de-infinitate @charliestuff @hindustani-diaspora @one-thread-can-save-a-life @salsameter @enchantedcruelsummer @meashy-moo @sana-li

[dothwrites]

15.13 coda--the price we pay

So it’s true, when all is said and done--grief is the price we pay for love.--E.A. Bucchianeri

---

Jack’s door closes with a small snick. Castiel watches it close. The thin barrier of wood separates him from his boy, but it doesn’t keep away the muffled sounds of sobs and sniffles. 

The moment had lasted an eternity, Jack looking at Dean through tear-bright eyes, begging for forgiveness, Dean staring back down at Jack, his jaw set and eyes gimlet hard. Dean feels things more deeply than anyone else, Castiel had told Jack. He’d meant it. Joy, anger, guilt...Dean feels, so much all of the time, that it spills out onto anyone else who gets in his way. 

What he hadn’t told Jack was that that was the reason that he loved Dean. Was because he felt. As an angel, a being who was never intended for emotion, the sight of a human soul, writhing with emotion so bright that it managed to shine through hell, was enough to captivate him. He’d been drawn towards Dean, helpless as a moth towards flame, and there he’d stayed, caught in Dean’s orbit. There he weathers the tempest of Dean’s anger as well as the brightness of his joy. 

And he’s had time, firsthand, to experience to balm of Dean’s forgiveness. 

Dean’s hand had descended towards Jack and Castiel had hated Jack’s flinch. Hated it for Jack, hated it for Dean. He knew that that flinch hurt Dean, reinforced what Dean had suspected all along--that he was nothing but a brute, nothing but a monster. 

But Dean’s hand had landed on Jack’s shoulder, just a moment before Dean was on his knees, pulling Jack into a fierce embrace. “It’s ok kid,” he said, voice thick and gravel-rough. “You’re ok.” 

Sam had knelt alongside them, his long arms wrapping up Jack and Dean alike, and Castiel...His work was done, in a sense. He’d facilitated Jack’s return to the Winchesters, seen his soul restored. Gotten one step closer to the ultimate goal. So Castiel had taken a few small steps out of the room, silently. No one had seen him go, no one had noticed his presence, until Dean and Sam walked out. Sam’s eyes were glassy, his face flushed. Dean’s mouth was flat, but there was something calm and peaceful in his eyes, something that had been missing for long weeks. 

Anger takes a toll on the soul. 

And then they’d walked away, leaving Jack’s door to close behind them. And Castiel watches--Watches his boy deal with the pain of his actions, watches the Winchesters walk away. After a moment, Castiel follows. 

Dean glances up when he enters the room. Something hard glints at him. It reminds Castiel of the pain of the word idiot when it comes from Dean’s lips, the curling realization that no matter his contribution, he’ll never be valued. 

Castiel is still a soldier, first and foremost. He understands the necessity of sacrifice, knows that in chess, sometimes you have to lose pieces in order to win. 

He just wishes that Dean would care a little more when he’s finally taken off the board. 

---

Cas looks at him with wide eyes and Dean knows that they’re going to have to talk. Probably sooner than later, judging by the stubborn little purse to his mouth. Dean takes another sip from his beer (those bastards drank them down to almost nothing, greedy little sons of bitches) and luxuriates in the swallow. He’ll put off this conversation as long as he can. 

He still doesn’t know, how to put all the concern that he feels, the worry that continuously scrabbles at the inside of his skull, into words that don’t spit and fizzle like poison. He’d seen the minute little flinch in Cas’ face when he said idiot, just like he’d seen the Jack’s flinch when he reached out towards him. He’s doing better, he’s trying, but what the hell does it say about him that the people that he loves best in the world literally draw back from him? 

“I’m going to bed,” Sam says, his voice still scratchy and rough. Dean knows that the deal with Jack hit him hard, but there’s something else there too. Sam’s continuous glances at his phone tell a fairly convincing story. No doubt there’s a series of texts from Eileen waiting for him. 

Which would be fine, Dean’s all aboard the good ship Saileen, except that Sam’s departure leaves him alone with Cas. And Cas isn’t leaving or starting the conversation, which means that he’s going to leave Dean to deal with this whole mess. 

The silence between them takes on a distinctly stony feel the longer they sit in it. It’s so damned uncomfortable sitting in it, yet breaking it would somehow be worse. Dean will give it to Cas--he’s a passive-aggressive little shit when he wants to be. 

After the quiet becomes so uncomfortable that Dean’s teeth are itching, he finally decides to rip the band-aid off in one, vicious tug. 

“It was a damn stupid thing, what you did.” 

He didn’t mean it to sound like that, he really didn’t. But his intentions are worthless--the words fall harsh and flat between them, like little loaded weapons. Whatever softness might have been lurking in Cas is gone. 

“It was the only way to get what we needed.” Cas’ voice is tight with repressed emotion, but the words are enough to spark a wildfire in Dean. 

“It was the only--what the fuck man?” he spits. He stands up, his chair skittering backwards across the floor. Its feet scrape against the wood, loud enough to send the hairs rising on Dean’s arms, but he ignores that in favor of focusing on Cas. 

“The only way was to go and get yourself killed? Again?” 

Try as he might, he can’t erase the image--Cas, slumped motionless in the chair, face gone that particular shade of pale and waxy that Dean knows and wishes that he didn’t. How many times has he been forced to watch Cas die, right in front of him? How many times has he said goodbye? And they’ve been lucky--for every goodbye, there’s always been a Hello Dean waiting, but Winchesters aren’t known for their luck. How long before it runs out? How long before Cas does something so monumentally reckless that there’s no coming back from it? 

How long before Dean has to say goodbye permanently? 

“It wasn’t like that--” 

“It was exactly like that!” Dean’s anxiety and worry spills out of him in a vicious tirade. “Sam and I come back, find you--”

“So you’re the only one who can take pointless risks?” Castiel is standing now, and there’s a dangerous, sharp edge in his voice that Dean should probably heed, but he’s too far gone for that. 

“That’s different--” Though it really isn’t, the difference is that Dean is just...Dean, just some schmuck who doesn’t have a trust fund, who doesn’t know any life other than that which cakes blood and dirt underneath his nails. He doesn’t matter, not in the long run. But Castiel...Castiel is made of stardust and the cosmos. It would be a sin, if Dean were left on the world while Castiel ceased to exist. 

For a moment Cas is speechless with rage. Then he’s striding over to Dean, pushing an angry finger into his chest, so hard that Dean’s sure there will be small, circular bruises blooming over his skin within the next day or so. 

“How dare you? How dare you assume that everyone...that I would be fine without you? How dare you think so little of yourself?” 

Dean laughs, a wretched ugly sound. “Yeah? Well, right back at you pal.” 

It hits him then, weights falling from the sky: how tenuous their grip on this life is. How any wrong move could be their last. How any of them could be snuffed out in the merest flicker of an instant and nothing of them would be left behind, save grief. 

Dean isn’t aware of the series of events that end with him crashing into Cas. He knows that his knees buckle, that he reaches out for Cas, that Cas is there to catch him, steady as ever. He folds himself into Cas, burrowing his nose between the collar of Cas’ shirt and his neck, brushing against warm skin. 

“I thought I lost you,” Dean finally says, the words dredged out of him like vomit, coming from somewhere dark and desperate that he keeps inside himself. Cas, his head lolling backward, hands limp on his stomach. Cas, light pouring out of his eyes and mouth, angel blade pierced through his chest...”I thought that I’d lost you again.” 

He doesn’t cry, but it’s a near thing as his shoulders shake with the release of pent-up emotion. He tries to crawl away to lick his wounds and hide his shame, but Cas’ arms tighten like a vice around his shoulders, keeping him present. 

“I can’t...don’t make me lose you again.” It’s half order, half-plea, but wholly sincere, gasped into Cas’ neck. “You think that you’re fucking expendable, that the ends justify the means, or whatever else your stupid chess metaphors say. But I need you in this with me Cas. I need you with me.” 

“And how dare you assume that I don’t feel the same,” Cas answers back. “How dare you think that I could go through this earth without you with me.” 

Dean draws back, just enough that he can take Cas’ face in his hands. Cas’ skin is warm against his palms. He can feel the flutter of Cas’ pulse underneath his hands, wild and thready and so very alive. “You ain’t fucking leaving me,” Dean says, before he kisses Cas. 

Just before his lips meet Cas’, he thinks that he sees something flicker across Cas’ face. A hint of regret maybe, a deeper secret coiling underneath the surface of those blue eyes. 

Dean pushes it aside before he kisses Cas, hard enough to bruise. Permanent. 

---

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”―Mark Twain

[marshmallowprotection]

Kait Reacts To The AE 7/?

Hi! These reactions are written out every time a Chatroom opens and it’s done over the course of the day. So, you’re watching me react in real time as it is for me. So, Spoilers AHOY. Expect Another post like this later today, there is just too many chats to put it all in one post. So, hey, if you click this, you’re opening yourself to spoilers, you make the choice.

[01:02]

It's time to deal with Rika again. I'm not at all in the mood. It's really no different than what she's been telling us thus far and honestly I don't really expect anything to change on her front or anything with V. They are both made it pointedly clear to me how they feel about the situation and I don't think that there's any reasoning with them so it's just a matter of trying to hang on the until the RFA rescue us. We don't know exactly what's going on per se but we don't know for a reason and I'm not upset about that because they're trying to take precautionary measures. They're doing everything that they can and I trust them with my heart.

Basically, she calls them weak in this chat room and says that they did the right thing by bowing their heads in accepting that. This is really no different than the strong and the weak argument and symbolism that we used to have at Magenta where she would make it clear that the strong only those that would stomp before stop being stomped on. Trample before they are trampled to the ground.

She wants be live in this falsehood and deny reality and everything that's going on because she can, due to the deal they made, herself and V, and honestly, I don't to expend my energy on this woman. She's wrong. You can tell her that over and over in this chatroom and it will just not dare end. She just won't quit. It's always about what Rika wants and what Rika gets. It's never about anyone else. She is selfish and shallow to the core.

There's no fixing this because she refuses to change. She needs to go down with the Agency and Saejoong, and at this point, V, too. Get the two of them back into counciling while they're in jail because that's the only thing I can see in their future because it sure as hell isn't forgiveness and I won't assume it will be. She can say whatever she wants and lie all day, but we all know Rika, at her core, is deeply saturated in her anger and maladies. She cares not. She is quite literally just doing what she did as Savior but denying that it's the same.

Saeyoung is drugged and out of his mind right now, passed out, and Saeran is desperately trying to stop all of this and all you can think about is your selfish wish to have a decency on a false family you're building. I am hardly listening to this woman. I'm disconnected and literally just letting her prattle until I can tell her she's in the wrong over and over again.

OH BOY. THE VISUAL NOVEL IS A GODDAMN DOOZY. Jumin is speaking to his father and he opens up about what’s on his mind. The talk about Seven and the deal that they made. Chairman Han thought that... Saeyoung was a very good person from speaking to him and that the deal is made because he wanted to repay Jumin without... you know, doing it directly because Jumin would never accept something like that. Saeyoung is a stubborn man and we all know that, it is always sweet to know the lengths that he would go to for his friends that don’t just talk about... 

compassion. 

Little things like this, I don’t know, I have a lot off faith in him and I’m torn for Jumin be cause he’s spiraling. Even his father can see that Jumin is holding his sturdy mask on his face as he’s crumbling inside, and Chairman Han tells him that no matter what happens, he will be able to move on, and he should try to do so with his loss... Jumin’s mother is mentioned, and how he should keep moving from that, and I don’t quite get the context but I’ve heard there’s more on that in his BE but I’ll never know until I bother to look at the spoilers. 

Either way, Jumin starts crumbling and he cannot drink. He knows that he cannot lose his clarity. He’s envious of Saeran, who seems to be fueled by his emotions and ready to act. He wishes that he could do such a thing but it is so foreign to him. He thought he could trust V... Rika... but he can’t. He was stabbed in the back and now it hurts so much that he’s losing it. He wants to fix things but I don’t know if he can fix those relationships given what’s happened and I think he knows that. 

That’s why it hurts so fucking much.

[06:04]

I made an alarm. I’m awake. Saeran made a secure chat to talk to me and I.. I don’t know. I have dread in my heart that I’m heading towards a bad ending right now because of the way that he’s talking. I don’t know... there were CGs and it’s kind of right... right? Saeran won’t say anything because anything can get hacked right now and he won’t risk himself, the others, or us because of a loose text message on the background. What really scares me about this is the fact that he keeps saying over and over that no matter matter—

He will protect our happiness. As in, my happiness, and it feels like it’s written in such a way that he wants to leave... wants to let me be free and that this may be our goodbye soon enough. I don’t want that. I don’t want him to get hurt. I’m just in a state of confusion and hurt over you Saeran. I want our true promise of happiness and I want our return of joy. He vowed every Four Seasons and I want to keep that promise with you and only you, my love. 

He tells me to have faith in him, in our love and that he will do anything he can to protect me. I believe in him. But, I don’t want to lose him. He knows that I want to be free with him. I stated that, but he won’t... he won’t tell me anything and I hate being in the dark while I’m trapped here with Saeyoung. I don’t know if he is trying to be careful to warn me or if this is fate. 

I don’t know.

I just don’t. 

He says that he’s coming... I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t trust Rika, I don’t trust V, I don’t trust anyone in this fucking place and I wish that Saeyoung was awake but he’s still... knocked out, my God. What’s worse is that he shares that he has flight tickets. FLIGHT TICKETS. You know, like the passport merch that you can buy and that I did actually buy but won’t be here for a few weeks cause we all know how shipping works and it’s not going to give me answers right away but I think this has to be the right direction...? 

It does say “the travels you made with Saeran.”

But, he says that we should go with the RFA. 

It doesn’t outright include him when he’s talking to you. I don’t know what to think. Why would we leave the country? How are we fighting? Please, I don’t want you or Saeyoung to live in fear anymore... Saeran, please, do not force me to leave you behind. I know you want me to be happy but please, you need to be happy, too. 

This is bittersweet and hurting me and I can’t think about how this is going to play out right now. I hope they have a plan and I hope that plan is something that won’t involve more separation and sacrifice. 

The visual novel did not ease my heart but I was greeted with a very lovely CG of Saeran so maybe that makes up for it. I think it’s a dream sequence where we get to share a picnic with him... he playfully teases and jests with me about my eating habits and lets me know that he loves hearing my laugh. I ask if this is a dream but... Saeran is like, “Even if this is a dream... it doesn’t matter if it’s a dream. I’m so happy. I wish I could spend more time with you like this... I feel like I’m greedy.”

And I say, “We deserve to be happy.” 

Because I mean it. 

No beating myself up, nor he. We deserve to be happy. 

Saeran’s not helping me in the dream, “Sure, but... if the world does not want us to be happy... I hope we can continue that dream in heaven.” 

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. Saeran please, even in my dreams, you cannot die and I refuse to die. You wouldn’t want that for me and I wouldn’t want that for you and why do I get the picnic that I wanted and was begging for. Why am I so always right about what could happen, but Cheritz has taken my hopes and used so many of my wishes to be angst or bittersweet and I—

Saeran, you’re not helping! 

DO NOT DIE FOR ME. 

I AM NOT WORTH THAT.

Okay, no, I promised not to depreciate and so did you. Please, let us be happy together, my love. 

[08:51]

Okay, I’m still not okay. Saeran is here and we’re just waiting for him to make it past the agency and the narrative here is trying to warn me that if I’m not careful with what I do, Saeran is going to try to sacrifice himself for me. I don’t know his plan and he says that he’s going to tell me very soon. But, he keeps dodging it and saying that no matter if we are near or apart, our love will never change or stray from what it is. He’s never had more peace inside of his heart as he has come to this realization. He’s clearly conflicted about his past and the more that he thinks about Magenta—

The more it... he knows that it’s trauma. He knows that it’s a wound that will stay with him but. He also knows that he escaped that trauma and found himself, he says that he knows who he wants to be. He doesn’t want to hate anymore or be angry, even though it’s justified. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not saying that he will forgive anyone that hurt him, that’s not the tone. It’s just that he doesn’t want to be fueled by hate. 

This is what he believes is going to really help himself. He knows that he has peace knowing that he was wronged, but he choose to escape and to leave all that behind. He found himself, and he knows who he is now. I’m proud of him for that but I’m scared at the same time that he will suffer to ensure my safety. I do not want that. 

I think what bothers me the most is how Rika feels so entitled to the idea that she can just forget and avoid the past. She’s just so flippant. I don’t want to talk about it. No, ma’am, you don’t get that right. You hurt him. You hurt so many of these people that once thought of you well, and you don’t get the right to pretend you are holy or better. You don’t get to forget. You don’t get to pretend. We have to live with our trauma. 

Why should you get peace? 

Nope. Nu-uh. Not happening. 

However, Saeran notes in the chatroom that she’s... something wrong about Rika. She is frantic and confused, and he isn’t sure what to make of that. She will not talk about anything but her selfish wish that will only hurt all of us the way that she’s acting and the way that V is acting. I don’t really want waste my energy on what’s up with Rika because, we all know how I feel about Rika and she just keeps proving her bullshit to me time and time again. She’s in denial and she’s lost. I don’t really care. 

The visual novel is brief, we get to see him again. V and Rika are back on their bullshit but Saeran is relieved to see we aren’t harmed, Rika asks him to join her so there’s no funny business as she tries to decide when I’m supposed to leave this place now. I don’t know when they’re going to shove me away. I’m surprised they aren’t gonna kill me. That’s a lot easier. 

They leave me with V and V’s on my fucking shit-list right now. I cannot deal with him anymore. He tells me to understand Rika. I won’t. I refuse. He says it’s great that I can leave. He says to rest before I leave. He’s going to look over Saeyoung now. I wanna tell him to fuck off because at this point, he’s proven that I can’t trust him and he’s doing nothing to help. You resigned yourself to this sun, Icarus, you can burn all you want at this point, but you do not have the right to let us burn with you. 

I’m just worried about what Saeran is going to do. I talked to Jaehee on the phone and she said that Saeran kept saying goodbye, over and over, and she hopes that I stick close to him. It’s like he wants to leave behind everything to save us. I don’t know his plan and I don’t... I don’t know what I’m supposed to know right now and I still have two hours before I get to learn his plan, I guess, and I need to know now. 

Also, Jaehee said she’d use Judo to save me if she could. What a woman.

I called Saeran as well, and that was more... unease. I’m proud of him for standing tall against his abuser. He won’t let her sway him anymore and that’s the good thing I take from this call. This shit took me years to learn myself and he’s... figured it out much faster. I’m happy for him. He seems to be better in his spirits about this and he deserves that.

Saeran: I will take care of Rika and V until you’re out of here. I love you. This mission must not fail.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MISSION, GOOD SIR. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MISSION. SIR. I HAVE FUCKING ANXIETY. 

[theseerasures]

Conspicuous Media Consumption, 2020

it’s that time of year again! *saddest toot from the party horn*

for those of you just joining us: it’s a “consume a different content every week for 48 weeks of the year” challenge. for a longer explanation, check out last year’s write-up here, and as always, feel free to pop in and ask questions about any and all of this content.

(same disclaimer as last year too: content for this project ONLY here, and not certain...*looks at my billion Sad Cop Lady posts*...hyperfixations.)

(man remember when i was big into X-Men comics earlier this year? better times than these, if only because no one's discoursing about Emma Frost’s woobie/war criminal ratio anymore--her w/w, if you will)

(...i swear at one point i didn’t exclusively like platinum blondes but alas)

Bitter Root (comic, 1 issue finished 1/1/2020): still very cool on a basic concept level, but runs into the Image Comics problem of just not having enough content to keep my interest beyond that. part of that is on me, for picking it up again BEFORE the second arc rolled out, but the first five issues didn’t really follow (or resolve) any cohesive story either, so...meh.

Immortal Hulk (comic, 3 trades finished 1/17/2020): still not gonna be something i care deeply about (maybe one of Bruce’s Hulksonas dyed his hair???), but i do want to give kudos to Al Ewing for sheer consistency in terms of sustaining this level of quality storytelling month by month for more than two years now. working with the dense archive of the Hulk mythos and managing to make it interesting and thoughtful is impressive even if i personally would not expend the same effort.

Disco Elysium (game, finished 1/18/2020): honestly i should have twigged onto what this year was gonna be like when the third thing i drew from the barrel was pure uncut Eastern European flavored depression. i faintly recall people ragging on it for being pretentiously cynical, but i actually thought its core slid more towards idealism than people give it credit for. also gratified that i haven’t heard anything about Robert Kurvitz using slave labor to finish it, which is a thing we have to say about our video games now!!! fun.

Watchmen (TV, 7 episodes finished 1/27/2020): i am a fool who wants to believe in Damon Lindelof and I WAS RIGHT!!! honestly still cannot believe that he pulled off this highwire act with such deft aplomb. might be my favorite TV this year, which is a pretty high bar given how much TV i ended up watching.

On a Sunbeam (comic, finished 2/1/2020): Tillie Walden rightly deserves all the praise for inventive queer storytelling, but i will say that on reread--since i first read this as a webcomic--there ARE some issues with pacing here that clearly come from the foibles of its original intended medium. still just excellent, even if after some plot significant haircuts i was having trouble telling a few folks apart.

Lazarus (comic, 1 trade finished 2/8/2020): it’s so good and i want moooooorrrreee--though obviously Rucka and Lark have the right to take all the time they need. the newer longer issues work really well with the epic prestige drama vibes of the story! i’m into it.

The Good Place (TV, 4 seasons finished 2/18/2020): i’m gonna be super honest: i actually wasn’t a big fan of the finale, nor the last season as a whole. it felt like all of Eleanor’s flaws vanished for a majority of the season, and the Chidi-centric episode where they tried to give a legible justification for why he’s Like This was...i didn’t care for it. still, it’s so good and unique on the WHOLE that we’ll literally never get anything like this ever again, and that counts for a lot.

The Old Republic (game, finished 2/21/2020): it’s an MMO so it will never actually Be Finished so long as the servers aren’t shut down, but i caught up on the content i’d missed in the intervening months. Onslaught thus far has mostly been...kinda bland tbh; going back to Imps vs. Rebs after all the shakeups in the previous expansions feels like a waste.

High Road (album, finished 2/22/2020): someone should tell Kesha not to say that word!! otherwise i was very happy with this album, and happy FOR her even though we don’t know each other. being able to find joy again in the same genre of music you made while you were being horrifically exploited is very cool.

Young Justice (TV, 13 episodes finished 2/28/2020): given how much the middle stuff dragged--STOP KILLING YOUR HIJABI CHARACTER IN HORRIFIC WAYS--i was...actually kinda mad by how the end managed to stick the landing anyway. the day being saved by Vic’s self-acceptance and Violet’s sublime compassion was A+, and even the Brion/Tara switchup was a pleasant surprise, though it relied on me caring about Brion MUCH MORE than i actually did.

Manic (album, finished 2/29/2020): do people still care for/about Halsey? i feel like even That One Song that was on every tumblr gifset ever has kinda faded into obscurity at this point. this album was...okay. i feel like people give Halsey a pass for extremely obvious lyrical turns that they wouldn’t for other folks because of her subject material--which is fine. not really my cup of tea, but i also listened to lots of Relient K this year, so that’s probably a good thing.

Jade Empire (game, 3/10/2020): the only 3D-era Bioware game that didn’t franchise out, and for good fucking reason!!! the Orientalism and appropriation really haven’t aged well, and even beyond that the story was...standard Bioware faire. even my usual “my wife’s a bitch i love her” Bioware type didn’t do it for me, and i just ended up romancing no one. it did make me think a lot about what level of cultural borrowing is accepted nowadays, and why: people still look fondly at Avatar and talk about how ~accurate and respectful it was, for example, despite it being staffed almost entirely by white folks, and the Orientalism ALL OVER the monk class in DND is still fine for some reason.

Alif the Unseen (book, finished 3/31/2020): interesting to have read this AFTER reading The Bird King last year, because it highlights how the intervening years have shifted G. Willow Wilson’s thematic interest and improved her craft. i’m actually quite fond of how her characterization work is rougher here--Alif is extremely flawed to the point of being insufferable, but it makes his development by the end more satisfying. Dina is also just good and i love her

Baldur’s Gate (2 games, finished 5/31/2020): well, having finally finished the series i’m happy to say that it...still doesn’t really do it for me, sorry. any awesome story moments were overshadowed by the EXCRUCIATING inventory management system and the combat (i still don’t know what a THAC0 is and at this point i’m afraid to find out). these games crucially lack the Home Base that later Bioware games were so good about, and that (coupled with the huge cast of characters you can drop off and never see again) really hurts the intimacy for me. by the time we finally did get one it was the Hell Dimension in Throne of Bhaal, and i was just...trying to get through it. (yes, i did just say that about one of the most beloved expansions ever to one of the most beloved games ever.) THIS particular iteration of “my wife’s a bitch i love her” was very good, but the game wouldn’t let me romance her :(

The Underground Railroad (book, finished 6/19/2020): honestly what is there even left to say at this point! it was exactly as good as every critic on the planet said it was, even with my usual aversion to hype. draining and horrifying in turns but still insistent upon a future for Black folks.

Steven Universe (6 seasons and a mooooooviiieeee, finished 7/11/2020): yes, i DID finish the show and almost immediately begin a rewatch. this series is now one of my top five most formative things, and the amount of love and respect i have for it is incalculable. that said: i once again did not love how the central conflict of Future was resolved (just the resolution--i loved the finale just fine). for all of Steven’s breakdown was built up, resolving it with “EVERYONE HUG HIM UNTIL HE CRIES” felt...cheap, especially since up until this point the show had been so good about treating trauma and mental illness with the respect and nuance it deserves. it made me wish some of the earlier, less substantial episodes had been cut so we could spend more time at the end.

What It Is (comic, finished 8/19/2020): y’all i love Lynda Barry SO MUCH. for the longest time i was worried that One Hundred Demons was more a lightning in a bottle situation but every book of hers i pick up makes me feel obscure emotions i didn’t even realize existed. the compassionate way she’s able to describe her child self and how weird and fucked up she was (and still is) is honestly aspirational.

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (TV, 5 seasons finished 9/26/2020): so here’s a reversal of what i’ve been complaining about with other shows: i was mostly lukewarm-to-warm about She-Ra, but the later seasons and the finale made me much more into it as a whole. more shows should improve in stakes and overall quality as they age tbh!! i still don’t actively love Catradora (my sole quibble with season 5 actually has to do with the way Adora kept backsliding as a character to make certain Plot/Relationship things happen), but i’m very happy for them nonetheless. i can certainly appreciate a show that will go for High Feeling over tight plot. dark horse standout moments: trees growing everywhere proving that Perfuma Was Right, and Hordak and Adora seeing each other--that weirdly intimate moment of recognition.

Fetch the Bolt Cutters (album, finished 10/7/2020): again i find myself not having much to say that no one else has said. it’s good! once again love it when an artist reclaims something they’d attached with negative affect (anxiety, depression, disordered eating) for better and brighter things.

Solutions and Other Problems (comic, finished 10/25/2020): i was very into Allie Brosh’s ambition with this book, which feels weird to say but i stand by it. it’s cool to see an artist try to make a new medium work for them instead of just sticking to what already works. not all the experimentation was 100% effective, but it was still delightful and occasionally devastating to read, so.

Legend of Zelda (3 games: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, Link Between Worlds, finished 11/1/2020): this was the third time i’d played Ocarina of Time, which made it the nice, comforting groove i settled into before Majora’s Mask blatted me in the face. i’m not usually a completionist Zelda person because...the gameplay in Zelda is bad, do not at me it just is, but i really felt like i HAD to be one for Majora’s Mask since the whole point is to get attached to the banalities of the town. i’m sure nobody’s surprised that i loved it, even if it gave me an existential crisis about how life goes on in the game for NPCs when you’re not there to save them from it, and there’s not enough time to save them all all the time (also not a surprise to anyone: Romani and Cremia gave Personal Feelings). Link Between Worlds...bad. not like in a “this is a bad story by every measurable gauge” way, but i was already struggling with the 2D playstyle shift enough that for the whole story to end with some “yes it’s v sad that Lorule is Like This but trying to steal Hyrule’s privilege is Even Worse Actually” noblesse oblige bullshit left a VERY poor taste in my mouth, this year of all years. i did audibly gasp when Ravio took off his mask, though. i’m currently playing Breath of the Wild in cautious increments; it’s the first time i’ve enjoyed early Zelda gameplay, but if they wanted fully voiced cutscenes i wish they got voice actors who...knew what words sound like.

folklore (album, finished 11/6/2020): my belief that Taylor Swift is Just Fine continues, i’m afraid. i LIKED this album, don’t get me wrong, and respect her constant drive to innovate, but i didn’t love it substantially more or less than any other Taylor Swift album. mostly i’m just tickled by how she thinks leaning into the indie aesthetic means borrowing Vita Sackville-West’s entire wardrobe, though i will admit to feeling Something when she swore in a song. i think it was like. savage vindication?? you go ahead and swear, Taylor Swift. you deserve it.

Shore (album, finished 11/19/2020): do people still care about the Fleet Foxes? i think there was some Drama with Josh Tillman a while back but i don’t remember where the discourse landed with who was being more problematic. it was nostalgic for me to listen to their new album--made me remember being an undergrad who exclusively listened to men who mumbled and played acoustic guitar all over again.

Star Wars (3 movies: original trilogy, finished 11/27/2020): there is So Much bad Star Wars these days that every time i rewatch the original trilogy i’m afraid that they will suddenly be bad, but guess what! they’re not. i love these children and their hot mess stories, i love that Lando doesn’t know how to say his best friend’s name. what stood out to me this time was the way Obi-Wan described the Force in A New Hope, which strongly implied that ANYONE can be Force Sensitive; that obviously faded with each subsequent movie, but part of me does wish they’d kept it.

X of Swords (comics, 22 issues finished 12/5/2020): i am enjoying Hickman’s X-lines!!! not so much here for the Grand Conspiracy or whatever, but the character work and highkey weirdness is fabulous--they FEEL like X-Men, despite all the shakeups in-universe. this crossover is a nice microcosm of all that: grandiloquently all over the place, but still full of cool standout moments and genuine hilarity. ILLYANA DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL MAGIC.

Fire Emblem (4 games: Sacred Stones, Path of Radiance, Radiant Dawn, Awakening, finished 12/14/2020): this was the thing that i was closest to giving up early on, but i ended up hyperfixating on it instead. that’s a credit to what the gameplay does to my lizard brain more than anything else, because the story and character writing is...insipid. it was very bizarre to witness this franchise blunder around with its animal-people racism allegory around the same time i was getting back into RWBY, and ITS animal-people racism allegory blunders. Awakening was the first time i felt anything for the franchise beyond “teehee red units disappear make exp bar go up and brain go ding,” so i’m excited for more mature storytelling in subsequent games (they MUST get better. they MUST). the child husbandry thing is...very bad tho, and Apotheosis being “challenging” entirely through the game changing all the rules is also bad.

once again no vidya games that came out this year--i’ll probably pick up Spiritfarer or Hades after the New Year, though (or maybe TLOU II! but probably not. sry Laura and Ashley). more TV and franchises this year, which made me feel In Touch with the Children but was also kinda exhausting. nothing was so egregiously terrible i dropped it without finishing! in a year like this that feels almost like an accomplishment

[magpie-scribbles]

Incarceration: Rappa x OC

Okay lovies this is 100% N//S//F//W please do not read if you are under 18.

I needed to write some good Rappa smut content because I’m starving so have some Rappa x OC FILTH!!

Rating: E

Warnings: Smut, size kink/difference, masturbation, public sex, mild daddy kink 

Pairing: Kendou Rappa x OC (Hoshi Sakuretsu)

2 weeks…It had been 2 weeks since he and the other bullets had been carted off to Tartarus. From what he could tell he wasn’t in the highest level of security; and at least he didn’t have to share a room with anyone; which was fine by him, the room was already damn small with just him in it. Probably would have used his roommate for a punching bag anyway by now, he was so pent up; his blood sang and his bones rumbled; body aching for something more than being held up in this dog pen.

3 weeks… he had heard that if he was on good behavior he might be able to go out in the yard and mingle, and take lunch in the dining hall. He thought they were stupid when he first heard that ‘cause he’d probably just go batshit at the first smell of freedom; fuck he was starting to grow crazy in here. He had already made a few decent sized holes in the wall on the far side of the room, his knuckles hardly bled and his attitude only soured when it did nothing to relieve him.

There honestly wasn’t much to do, until he got to wander on good behavior; just eat, sleep, shit, and jack off. And jacking off he did a lot of, and it only seemed to make it worse, fuck it wasn’t the same.

He put another hole in the wall after one particularly aggressive session that left his cock feeling raw; cum splattered across his stomach and chest in thick ropes. Still he was hard and aching, twitching in the stale air of his stupidly small cell. 

He fisted his own hand in his hair and tried again, trying to pretend the hand gripping at his mane was exceptionally smaller. It wasn’t the same…

This time his knuckles bled a little more when they bit into the wall but it wasn’t in the least bit satisfying. He wondered what Hoshi was doing, if she was going as crazy as he was…well if she was cooped up she’d probably be going even more crazy than him. The idea of her going feral in her own cell, tipping over the bed, ripping pillows and sheets out of sheer boredom and stir craziness had him pumping his cock again. He missed it, fuck , missed her near manic energy, her scrappiness; missed her nails digging trenches into his back and chest, missed her biting mouth and wild eyes. 

He missed the sounds she made; her sighs, her coos, her screams; he missed the way she could barely take him but would always ask for more, more, more. Missed the way she made him feel, what she made him do. He missed the way she owned him. 

He wondered if she was laying away on her cot, whimpering out, hands down her panties, fingers pressed into her tight, wet pussy. He wondered if she was calling out his name as she desperately tried to get herself off.

“Rappa, Rappa,…Kendou”

He snarled as he painted his chest again, this release a little more satisfying than the last but still no where near close to what he needed.

He grumbled into the quiet air, still unsatisfied, still pent up and now covered in his own mess. He could hear the material of the scratchy sheet around his knees strain when he tugged at it, balling it up, wiping himself down before throwing it on the floor. It didn’t fucking matter if he didn’t have a blanket anymore, this place ran too hot anyway; he hated that too. 

He settled back down, god these beds were comically small! At least the pillow still had some fluff in it as he folded it under his head. 

He decided to not even bother pulling his pants back up; the fuckers could have a nice view when wake up call came the next day. At least it would provide him some entertainment.  

______

4 weeks… 

Finally, FINALLY he was getting to stretch his legs, though he really wasn’t sure he had been on any good behavior at all; they had probably just gotten tired of him breaking shit and cleaning up his messes. Didn’t matter, finally he could walk more than a few yards without hitting a wall.

The restraints biting into his shoulders weren’t exactly pleasant, though he guessed it could be worse, at least his arms still had some mobility…If the were smart they would have bound his arms completely. Still he wasn’t completely stupid and he really wanted this brief moment of freedom even if it was just going to the dining hall to get some grub.

The two escorts at his side were armed with nothing more than rubber bullets and stun guns, he had laughed when he saw them. He had made a snarky comment on how “that’s all they give ya’? Fuck it’s like they want ya’ to get pummeled.” They didn’t say anything as he laughed at them and their puny defenses. They had tried to act all nonplussed about his statement but he could see the apprehension in their eyes; and maybe…a little fear. That definitely brightened his mood some.

He had tried to make small talk as he was escorted but the two guards wanted none of it and ignored him for the most part, not that he really minded, they were probably boring anyway. 

The dining hall was a lot bigger than he had expected, and certainly much brighter than his cell, it nearly hurt his eyes when he entered, despite the air being filled with the smell of prison food, it somehow smelled fresher and less stale than the cell-blocks. He found himself breathing deeply.

“Don’t cause a ruckus.” 

He turned to the escort to his left giving him a hard sideways glance.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” he rumbled, flashing his teeth.

By the quick retreat and bristled expression of the guard, he knew he had scared him off; good.

“What’s his problem yah?” he turned to the other guard, his grin widening when the other man turned and left much the same way as the other. That’s right, fuck right off.

It was nice to finally move around, even though he knew he was being watched like a damn hawk, at least they weren’t all up in his face about it now. He struggled, the restraints becoming mildly irritating and moved to get a tray for some grub; the food was shit here but he’d had worse before, and it wasn’t like he was some sort of culinary expert. He just need calories, and a lot. When he got out of here there was going to be a lot of bulking he’d need to take care of.

For the most part people moved out of his way when they saw him coming, the few that didn’t see his approach to the line ended up on the ground; it wasn’t even like he body checked them, just elbowed them out of the way. His size and strength of his stride being enough to knock people over. 

At least the line wasn’t awful when he joined it, he wouldn’t have to wait too long to get some grub. 

“Woah you’re mega tall.” 

He looked in front of him and down. A woman stared back up at him apprehensively, grip on her tray trembling.

She wasn’t short, normal height, if anything maybe a little on the tall side, but he was a behemoth; he grinned menacingly.

“Ate my vegetables as a kid.” he replied snarkily.

“Ah…” she gave him a nervous smile and turned back around, clutching her tray closer to her chest. 

Fearful after just talking to him, pathetic, was he really stuck in here with such cowards?? 

A light bulb suddenly went off in his head and he glanced back down to the woman in front of him; puzzled for a second before looking around. It seemed like this was a co-ed dining hall; After the moment of curiosity he shrugged and supposed it didn’t matter, with everyone having some sort of quirk they were all on somewhat even ground.

He turned back to face the front of the line, bored now that his curiosity was satisfied. 

Then a flash of pink caught his eye, exiting the line ahead. All his attention zeroed in and his blood ran hot.

Hoshi

He hardly even registered the sound of pain as he dropped his tray directly on the head of the woman in front of him before making long strides towards the petite woman exiting with her food.

“Hey dude! No cutting!” someone grabbed his shirt. 

“Wait in line like everyone else h-” the fucker didn’t even finish his sentence before he was grabbed by the back of the head. He brought his knee forcefully up into the man’s face, a sickening crunch as the his nose caved like a house of cards, blood pouring out over his face and onto his pants. 

He felt his blood pump even hotter as he watched the now unconscious man crumple to the cafeteria floor.

Around him there were soft gasps, a few groans and ‘ew gross’ but once again all his attention was on the woman, who was now looking straight at him, eyes bright and face glowing with a smile.

“PUMPKIN!!” she screamed, throwing her tray and all the contents over her head in her excitement.

And he’s running to her, bulldozing anyone that got in his path, even pushing a few dining tables out of the way in his mad rush. 

She reached out to him, bouncing on her toes as he closes in.

By now security is probably trying to figure out what the hell is going on but fuck she’s right there, and he’ll be as bad as he wants to be. 

She jumped in anticipation and he scooped her up, hauling her up into his arms, grip most likely bruising as he squeezed her thigh in one hand and roughly cupped the back of her head. He stumbled, taking a few more steps before falling onto one of the dining tables; knees connecting uncomfortably with the attached metal bench, it didn’t fucking matter, nothing fucking mattered. She was already clawing at him.

He crashed his lips against her, growling loudly as he shoved his tongue into her mouth, his teeth clacking against her own in an animalistic display of dominance. She’s already making such pretty sounds for him and they’d barely done anything, she’s missed him and fuck he’s already so fucking hard.

He budged her further up the table, fully kneeling on the bench, which groaned under his weight. 

She bit his lips and pulled at his hair, and he can hardly stand it, it’d been a fucking month; he could feel himself leaking, the taught fabric over his dick becoming painful. He couldn’t stop himself, his hips already subconsciously humping the air, clothed dick rubbing against the cool metal table.

He doesn’t want to stop gripping the soft flesh of her thigh, but he wanted to know how much she missed him, just how sopping she already was for him. He removed his grip and pressed two fingers roughly against the crotch of her prison pants; she’s already soaking through them and he groans lowly.

“Fuck, lil’ sparkler, ya miss me? You’re fuckin’ soaked .” he growled against her mouth, before backing up a bit to see her expression. He’s embarrassed to admit he almost came right then and there when she looked back up at him, lips bruised and slightly bloody, pupils blown wide with lust. 

Her hand moved to his wild mane and she wound a chunk around her fist before yanking, bringing a lustful whine from him as she viciously tugged him back down.

“Don’t be so meeaannn. Rappa, please, no teasin’ be faaiirrrr.” she arched into him. 

God, she’s practically delirious for him, his cock twitched, and he humped against the table a few more times. 

He smashed his lips against hers again, drinking in her squeals as he ripped her pants from her hips and shoved a large hand into her panties. She practically screamed into his mouth when he pressed a finger into her tight heat.

“Fuuuuccckkk, dunno how ya can still be so tight aftr’ I’ve wrecked ya so many times.” he snarled against her lips, shoving a second finger into her and her back bowed in a pretty arch. “Look at ya take it.” 

He began to piston his fingers in and out of her, swallowing up her wails as she coated his hand in her slick. He knew he was going to have to be quick about this, to be honest he was surprised no one had done anything yet to to stop them, probably too scared, or maybe they’re getting off on this too. He growled at the idea, wanting to stake his claim even more.   

Hoshi scrabbled against his chest at the crook of his fingers and he felt her clamping down like a vice, he couldn’t help but let out a shaky laugh; fuck he missed that feeling.

Barely allowing her to come down from her first high he pulled her closer, further beneath his huge form; using the hand that was already covered in her essence he ripped her ruined panties down her thighs before pushing his pants down (pleased that he had decided not to wear boxers this morning) just enough for his cock to spring free.

He looked down at her small trembling form, her bright eyes honed in completely to his dick that was now bobbing between them.

“Yesyesyesyes pleasepleaspleaseplease.” he heard her chanting under her breath, fuck she was practically drooling at the sight of him; his head swam and he grabbed her hips harshly.    

“Fuck, sparkler, you’re gagging for it ain’t ya?” he pressed the tip of his dick up against her. 

“Rappaaaa, Kendou.” she squirmed in his hold, trying to impale herself on him, and it takes all his remaining brainpower to not just shove inside her.

He leaned in further, lips brushing against her ear almost tenderly. 

“Have ya been a good girl?” he rumbled, lustful grin splitting his face.

He felt her turn and then she whispered back.

“No.”

The sound that broke free from his chest was a feral laugh as he leaned back slightly and plunged his cock into her completely.      

She screamed in delight, and probably a little pain, but fuck he knew she loved it, and he quickly started a brutal pace, pleasure and heat zipping up and down his spine nearly immediately.

“Fuck, missed ya Hoshi; missed your mouth.” he gave her a biting kiss. “Missed your fucking tits.” he tweaked her nipples harshly. “Missed your pretty. little. pussy.” each word punctuated with a harsh snap of his hips. “Missed watching ya barely being able to take me.” he watched how her stomach bulged each time he bottomed out in her heat.

He leaned close again, one hand fisting in her hair, the other reaching up to grip the lip of the table; he yanked her head back sharply, causing her to arch and show her pretty neck.

“Missed everything about ya.” he growled licking a wide tongue up the expanse of her throat. 

The sound she made, he promised to burn into the back of his brain for the rest of his life; and then she was coming around his thick cock, soaking him and milking him for all he was worth. At this point he’d lost all control and he savagely pounded into her, using her as his personal cock sleeve, chasing the pleasure building and crackling along his spine.

Three more harsh thrusts and he’s coming, holding her down, balls deep inside her, as he throbs. The sound that bubbles up from his chest is more the sound of a beast than a man.

He can hear her moaning and giggling as he filled her to the brim, pulse after pulse of his hot seed until it’s dripping out of her and onto the table. 

His body hummed, flushed in utter pleasure, but he already knew it wouldn’t be enough, even before he came off his high.

“More.” he growls lowly and fuck if Hoshi didn’t wiggle excitedly on his still hard cock. 

He huffed, exasperated and in absolute adoration of her eagerness; ready to flip her over and mount her like an animal. But he was suddenly being restrained, thick cables slingshotting around his biceps, forcing his arms to his sides. Even in his lust filled mindset he could figure out what was happening and he couldn’t help but laugh; the cable tightening, he could hear what he assumes are the guards finally getting their shit together with a few ‘what the fucks’ and ‘fucking christs’. The cables tug at him and he took a step back, slipping out of the petite woman, he’d rather remove himself from her; it would be gentler than being forcibly pulled away. 

“Looks like our fun is over Hoshi.” He grinned. 

Two guards appeared at his sides and he sensed there are more behind him. Two more guards and a few nurses round the table and bundle up next to Hoshi. He bristled at the idea that they thought they’d need to bring medical support; he’d never hurt her, not in anyway she didn’t want.

“Oh but daddy we were just getting started.” she whined, coy smile on her lips, she was still laying on the table completely ravaged by him. He can see the nurses recoil for a moment, unsure of how to respond to this tiny woman who had just been fucked an inch within her life, asking for more. He knows how.

He laughed straining against his bonds, the guards at his side, readying for him to struggle.

“Well kitten, are ya going to be good for next time or bad?” one of the nurses is helping her to a sitting position while the other is wrapping a blanket around her. The look she pinned him with was enough to make his cock jump again.

“Definitely bad.” she licked her lips, gaze smoldering. 

“Enough! Jesus CHRIST!” one of the guards cursed beside him, trying to shove him into turning around and marching. 

He was in a good mood now, so he turned to face the much smaller man.

“Ya gonna help me pull my pants up, cause…ya know” he flexed his biceps against the cables. “Unless ya like looking at my dick then carry on.” 

He reveled in the man’s sputtering and watched as Hoshi was ushered on shaky legs passed him.

One thing was for certain, he wouldn’t be spending another month in here, and neither would she. 

Besides prison break would be fun.

[dotthings]

Heavily cluttered, as many Bucklemming eps are, but worth the trip. There was a lot of goodness in 15.08 and there were two moments where I shrieked out loud.

My two out loud-shriek moments, let’s get that out of the way: 

Queen Rowena. Caaaaalled it.

Dean and Cas are going back??? To???? Purgatory???? Together?????? And Bobo???? Is???? Writing the episode???????????? *SHRIEKING AND FLAILING*

Okay more orderly and sedate now. Eileen is so damn fierce. She’s a very physical fighter, she’s smart but seems to use a blunt fighting skill. She can punch HARD. I love watching that so so much. I would enjoy female characters on SPN like this regardless, but the fact that this is a hero character with a disability and it’s never a big deal is deeply refreshing and SPN did something really really right bringing her back, amen.

Protective Sam shows up and Eileen is happy to see him but literally pushes him aside so she can make the kill. She doesn’t need his protection, but she also values him as a hunting partner as the ep shows. Also they’re trying to build a relationship here. Eileen seems used to hunting solo and Sam wants to offer backup, and he got worried. 

So the plan is to lock up Chuck like Chuck locked up Amara. The sweet irony of this delights me. He tried to shut away the divine feminine rather than actually stepping up to deal with his sister as, well, a person (well, a divine deity, but still, a being with feelings and thoughts and complexities). Chuck, the arrogant and narcissistic toxic masculinity God, maybe to be locked up now instead as his hubris and his lack of empathy and his petulance is exposed. What if Amara was the more competent deity all along? 

There is no way Dean doesn’t know what an Achilles’ heel is. The random WTF of this is so much it’s not even angering it’s just so bizarre. LOL what even. Look I am really enjoying S15 but I hope the butterfly net tightens on stopping this kind of thing because honestly. I’ll just pretend that scene isn’t there. Luckily I enjoyed the episode overall a lot.

Team Free Will in research mode together in the bunker just really makes me happy. Cas is where he belongs.

Donatello!Chuck threatening Jody, Donna, Eileen, “pretty much everyone on your speed dial” as a deterrent to Sam and Dean is bearing out again my impressions of how Chuck views these characters. I’m still not 100% sure what he thinks of Cas who is right in the room but Chuck doesn’t seem to acknowledge him, except as some sort of right arm to Sam and Dean, as I’ve said in other posts, I think Chuck regards him as a nuisance now, and a deterrent to his miserable endings, and a pawn. Just like Donna, Jody, and Eileen, to him, they’re just pawns. They’re all people Sam and Dean care about, and Chuck will use them to keep his two favorites in line.

See what I did there?

Yeah. Chuck doesn’t care about the characters as people. Everyone except Sam and Dean are expendable and tools to be used so he can control Sam and Dean and that’s it. He’ll destroy them with a snap of his fingers and won’t care. Look at that. Familiar attitude, isn’t it. How interesting.

“If you want to stay here, stay here.” Dean’s gone back to not!listening to Cas I see. While Cas is Dean-avoidant and trying not to look at him throughout the episode. But both of them are thawing just a little.

Like when Cas heals Dean’s cut palm and the way it’s staged looks like he’s going to take Dean’s hand to do it which I don’t think is an accident. That moment was meant to be soft.  Dean didn’t ask. Cas offered. And Dean didn’t jerk his hand away or say no. Then there’s the fact that Cas is going to go with Sam and Dean into Hell despite all his misgivings about Michael and this entire plan. 

Team Free Will, getting all researchy together, and then getting all BAMFY together with their angel blades going into Hell.

We didn’t get any kind of nod back to Dean and Cas’s last visit together to Hell and that’s the second time they have been back to Hell (well the last time was some sort of Hell ante-room, the cage was brought up iirc) and SPN failed to nod to it, WHY AM I CONTINUALLY DENIED THIS.

“Hello, boys.” There it is. My actual shriek of delight. I hope it didn’t alarm the neighbors.

“I took it.”  Yes you did, my red-headed goddess queen of the underworld. You sure did. GET IT ROWENA. Rowena won the game of thrones. Boom.

She’s a little flirty with Sam, still has a soft spot for him I think. 

And then starts playing marriage counselor for Dean and Cas. “What am I picking up with you two? A wee tiff?....So fix it.” Someone called this, I’m fairly certain, that if Rowena saw Dean and Cas again during their divorce she’d size that situation up and down and comment on it. FIX IT. So say we all.

“Family sucks.” Jake Abel did such a fantastic job in this. tbh I didn’t give much thought to Adam all these years, it seemed like SPN was never going back there. I liked Jake’s performances in S5, but it just seemed like a story that was over. But Jake Abel, man. He comes back after all this time and owns the dual roles and made me care. With a performance that was alternately fearsome and vulnerable. 

“That’s adorable.” Dean is SO happy about Sam and Eileen, he looked so soft, and still a bit not okay because his chosen other half is barely looking at him, but mostly Dean’s rooting for Sam to have some happiness. “If it was to work, she gets it, she gets us, she gets the life.” It’s a retreated on Sam’s speech back during “Baby” about someone...something...who understands the life. And Sam has found that with Eileen.

Meanwhile Cas is right there, with Dean, with this great big chasm still open between them but...he’s there. And all the arrows point towards him for Dean. 

Dean and Cas are being magnets again. Not like in S14 where every time there is a crisis they stand very close together and are drawn together, now they’re like magnets that are trying not to feel the pull but they cannot escape each other’s pull nor do they really want to, but they can’t quite figure out how to cross the distance. 

There’s more than one scene where Dean or Cas is out of focus and the other in focus, as if to emphasize how they’re both there but not in phase with each other. Not yet.

I so enjoyed the Cas and Michael stuff. Cas’s prayer to Michael, Michael’s mad on for Cas. “Oh, I didn’t come to beg.” And there’s the ruthless strategic angel.

There’s also something really...fitting about Sam and Dean and Cas all being the ones standing outside the ring of holy fire together to trap an archangel who they effectively hope to bring in from the cold, to their side, in a post S6 era of the show. 

“To paraphrase a friend you had an entire oak tree shoved up your ass.” I see Cas is still quoting Dean, having Dean as a compass point or a North star. Even if he can barely look at Dean right now.

Cas telling Michael his unimportance to God and keeping the upper hand is just...so satisfying. Cas has grown so much. I keep thinking about S5 Cas and how despite how powerful Cas was back then, radiating power in ways he doesn’t quite do the same way now, Cas always seemed so...smol next to the archangels. Punching above his weight class. But now he faces down Michael and tells Michael rawly how it is with their dad Chuck. And when Michael tries to choke him, he fights past it and goes into Michael’s mind to show him everything, to help him see the truth. Cas has grown so much, this felt a lot like a little brother constantly picked on leaves home, grows, and comes back to find big, big brother isn’t quite as big and intimidating as he remembers. 

Which in fact he isn’t, because Michael is capable of insight and change and feelings too. He’s not his father. Despite being the favorite. Despite clinging still to his hero-worship. But Cas worked past that with Chuck long ago.

When Eileen’s friend needs help on a hunt, and Eileen goes to Sam, Sam goes with her, no doubts. Tells Dean he’s going, as Dean recounts to Cas, and Dean seems cool with it. 

Sam and Eileen seem to be growing closer and closer, and while there is something tentative about Sam, he definitely is drawn to her and cares. That tentativeness is from past hurt and loss and maybe he’s scared to enter into this kind of relationship. But they’ve got their own magnetic pull together, they fit. 

Dean and Cas facing each other in that bunker kitchen, the lighting darker and colder than usual. They’re facing each other, and each shift in and out of camera focus, not looking at each other much. Cas can’t look at Dean at all in this scene, while Dean keeps sneaking glances at Cas. In other scenes, Cas does sneak looks at Dean. They are ridiculous and my heart hurts. The blocking here is them facing each other only not--they are a few feet off, so looking past each other.

Cas sitting at that table, hands folded, staring straight ahead and working very hard obviously to Not Look at Dean. 

Dean’s reaction on Cas reporting the words Michael said, “I want you dead, get out.” The things Dean has said to Cas are coming back to haunt him, coming from the words of their once mortal enemy, that’s gotta sting.

Both Dean and Cas have some work to do here, but Dean definitely is already very aware his own words went too far, and has been for a while. 

“God lied to me. I loved him.” Oh wow that hurt, I didn’t expect these feelings. 

A thing about Adam and Michael, both feeling so abandoned by their families, and losing everyone. They offered support to each other. They worked out a time-share in Adam’s body. We’ve seen genuine vessel and angel bonds form before (in Lily Sunder). There’s also a S7 episode by Ben Edlund about the bond between a human and the demon who possessed him. Not sure how healthy Adam and Michael are, but they seem weirdly functional, and don’t despise each other and I kind of have some feelings about Adam and Michael bonding the way they did in The Cage. Perhaps Michael shielded Adam from the worst of it. It’s how Adam is coherent after being down there for so long. Maybe Adam made Michael less lonely. Did I ASK for feelings about Adam and Michael, no I did nOT and yet here we are.

Then there’s Adam. It was interesting that scene where Sam acknowledges maybe they gave up too easily. Because Sam and Dean refuse to accept it when it’s each other they lose, and have gone way over the line to get the other one back. Here Sam is admitting that it shouldn’t be just for them. That Adam was worth saving. Even though they don’t know him well, he still didn’t deserve what happened (as Dean acknowledges at the end of the ep). And Sam and Dean never mentioning him again or giving him another thought apparently, all these seasons...well, that kind of made me assume that was that. Just because someone is blood, doesn’t make you family and they barely knew Adam. 

But if it’s someone who could potentially earn that? Someone basically good? And they just...forgot about him and left him to his torment in Hell? So this did need addressing. There’s not much time to develop a relationship with Adam and TFW this late in the game but there was a start here. 

Dean likewise offers his apology to Adam at the end. “You’re a good man. You didn’t deserve that.”

Right when I was thinking, so many of them don’t get what they deserve, they just keep getting Hell heaped on their heads, Adam says “Since when do we get what we deserve.”

There’s a subtle thing there where Adam looks at Cas, Cas very pointedly still tries to be not looking at Dean, and after Adam leaves Dean turns to Cas looking so...sorrowful for a moment. I keep saying, Dean and Cas deserve each other, and right now they can’t figure how to have each other. 

But Michael left them a strange gift. The Leviathan flower, to seal away Chuck, but the gift has a double meaning (unintentionally on Michael’s part). It’s not just the tool to shut away the villain, Michael opens a door to Purgatory and boom just like that, opens up a whole doorway on Dean and Cas’s story because of the emotional significance of Purgatory for them. What they had there. What happened there. The way that place broke loose some of their feelings. I’m not sure what’s going to happen now, if they both go, as the promo glimpses seem to suggest, does one return and the other gets trapped? Is Dean’s prayer to Cas going to be inside Purgatory, is Cas also still in Purgatory and they get separated? Is being thrown together back into that environment going to help them heal? Or will they be torn apart again but that provides another route to reconciliation?

[firebirdsdaughter]

I'm honestly not too shocked that Aruto is going to work together Gai now. He always rubbed me the wrong way when it came to his views about Humagears, esp his reaction to Raiden & Subaru. That was a huge red flag for me. Also, if he's really so concerned about the well-being of Humagears, then he should offer counseling for the destroyed & revived Humagears to deal with the trauma. But I guess that would be too much to ask. As long as they serve humans who cares about Humagears' feelings.

I def agree w/ you, he’s rubbed me the wrong way in many of the same ways.

It’s hard to believe he sees HumaGear as people when he’s all pleased w/ Raiden talking about how he’ll be decommissioned soon and even calling the two of them ‘just like real brothers.’

You know, like he keeps saying Horobi is ‘trying to be like Jin’s father.’

And don’t even get me started on ‘a caring brother can’t be a spy,’ ‘if only you had been different,’ ‘why did you hurt Izu?’ ‘I’ve never treated them differently’…

AUGH.

To me, Aruto’s ‘dream’ can be summed up in a line from a song that was cut from Frozen (ya’ll thought I’d forgotten about this, didn’t you, but no) that goes ‘It’ll be just like it was, except for we’ll be best friends.’

This got long, so I’m cutting it here. Or. I’m trying to. 

He doesn’t see HumaGear as equal to people, he just wants them to stay right where they are, and ‘be happy’ there. ‘Good’ HumaGear are the ones whose development is convenient for humans. Raiden was ‘good’ when he saw no problem dying bc his ‘purpose was served,’ Naki was ‘good’ when they just wanted to support other HumaGear’s dreams as long as they were steered towards HumaGear w/ dreams of benefiting humanity, Jin is ‘good’ now bc he’s not trying to get HumaGear away from serving humans anymore and is also willing to kill his own father or due himself to do something that will benefit humans. The morality of the show has always been very much centred around humans, how HumaGear benefit humans, and HumaGear are expected to be these perfect little angels who exist to help humans and never think of themselves. Horobi is ‘bad’ bc he has resentment towards humans and has been so deeply under the Ark’s control for so long that he can’t think outside of her (esp not after being possessed) so obviously he doesn’t ‘want’ to be ‘change.’

I said it in the tags of my other post, but there’s something wrong w/ the picture when you’re holding a literally mind controlled AI who hasn’t had any concept of free will or self thought in his entire life aside from small snatches that were quickly stomped out, more accountable than a human w/ full autonomy and knowledge and power who deliberately did things that caused death and harm (and shot someone in the head). It’s not a good message. I’m supposed to feel bad for Gai bc he’s ‘sad,’ but Horobi deserves to die? I’m sorry, what?

The message has very much been ‘humans are special special and HumaGear are expendable/need to be carefully moulded into a ‘singularity’ that’s at the least convenient for humans.’ ‘Good’ HumaGear aspire only to properly serve their humans, to be like them, they are pure and angelic creatures who never feel anything ‘negative,’ and if they do, they need to be purged.

I could rant myself in circles about this for ages. I think for me, the really glaring example is Aruto’s treatment of Jin, a relationship that could have been an interesting learning experience for both of them (though, honestly, I was also hoping to see Fuwa also help Aruto realise the issues w/ his attitude, bc as he started coming down from his prejudice and aggression, Fuwa actually treated HumaGear more like equals than Aruto did, one of the many things I loved about him and Horobi as a pair), but instead ends up being a glaring example of Aruto’s… Whatever.

So Horobi has his first moment of clarity and genuinely fears for Jin, so the Ark steps in and ‘tells’ him to protect his son, so he does and it hurt, and Jin is hysterical. Izu proceeds to walk right up to the still-transformed, clearly emotionally volatile and very uninjured Jin, and announce w/ a smile that Horobi has been defeated. Jin, hysterical and lost, reacts in the only way he knows how, violently, which she should have bloody seen coming, wth. But then, Aruto is demanding to know ‘why did you hurt Izu’ like she did nothing wrong and Jin just attacked her randomly (which was a thing that could have happened and would have made his emotions make mire sense, Jin lashing out at Izu as ‘revenge’ for Horobi), and then Jin gets treated like the total bad guy. Then, on top of that, Aruto finds out during the fight that Jin doesn’t actually know what’s going on, he’s just been raised into this. Instead of immediately trying to change tactics and reason w/ him, Aruto just spews his ‘I want HumaGear and humans to smile together’ line (what does that even mean?), and when Jin rejects that, Aruto just… Gives up and says ‘if only you had been different.’ doesn’t try to prompt Jin to think about what Jin wants, what Jin is feeling, doesn’t bother to try to find out why Jin is so hysterical. It gets even worse when he quickly gains the firepower advantage and learns that Izu will be totally fine, but he still doesn’t bother trying anything else. He just kills Jin, bc… What? Jin didn’t immediately bow to his ‘love’ for HumaGear? Of course once sentence wasn’t gonna do it, he just watched humans kill his father! Aruto didn’t need to kill Jin at all, it would have been easy to disable him—alternatively, if they really wanted Jin to go down there, there were ways to do it that didn’t make it come off as Aruto quickly erasing a HumaGear for having any negative feelings or resentment towards humans, esp when you follow it w/ a scene of him and Izu being all pleased about other HumaGear ‘behaving’ themselves, and then never mention Jin again.

Fast forward, and when Jin comes back talking about wanting to free HumaGear from humans… Aruto actually asks him what he wants, finally? Then Aruto gets the boot from Hiden and decides to go to Jin for help. This should be a turning point where Jin get to properly confront Aruto about what happened and Aruto reflects on what he did, but no. Jin gets to shout a little, but then Aruto claims he never treated humans and HumaGear differently and says ‘I watched my HumaGear dad die’ and Jin just… Says nothing? doesn’t shoot back w/, ‘so did I, humans killed him.’ Then they get interrupted and Jin runs off… Only to… Rescue Izu later? But then after he does he… Grabs her hand and runs away and tries to convince her to be free? After… Literally buying his father time to reconnect to the Ark? And this is Izu? Who he stabbed? Okay… Anyway, then we have more stuff w/ poor connotations of Jin saying he ‘learned something’ from Aruto killing him and Izu ‘choosing’ to keep being Aruto’s secretary like a ‘good’ little HumaGear (her liking him and wanting to stay on his side would be one thing, but this… Esp w/ him claiming that he thought she should choose, going by his later insistence that Jin can’t take G-Pen bc he’s a human’s ‘partner’), and only then does he take a bullet for her. This apparently means something to Jin, although I feel like the implications of ‘she’s worth protecting bc she decided to keep serving humans and I killed you bc you didn’t want to do that’ should not have been lost on him (also wtf did Jin start caring about Izu?). The we have the next ep w/ aforementioned G-Pen incident which for some reason Aruto defending another HumaGear choosing to serve humans makes Jin decide to ‘believe in his dream’ or whatever. But then later the Raiden scene makes it seem like Jin was playing along bc that conversation w/ Horobi about HumaGear needing guidance to break free gave him an idea or something, I dunno, but naturally Aruto reacts like this is some huge betrayal, despite the fact that they hardly have any relationship—okay, so this friendship is something Aruto made up in his head, given his character, and apparent assumptions that all HumaGear actually adore humans, that makes sense. That could work. But then episode thirty fucking six happens. Jin apparently cares more for Yaiba, a human he’s barely interacted w/ who had yet to show any sign of no longer considering HumaGear to be tools, who had previously represented all the things Jin hated about them, then his own father. Acts all protective of her, throws himself in as a shield for her, moons about while she’s in the hospital. Then we learn he decided he trusted her (?????) enough to conspire w/ her to… Use his own father as a sacrifice to kill the Ark. Aruto seems to be more worried about Horobi, but merely yells a bit about how Horobi should ‘remember who he is by now.’ Come ep 37, Jin fucking takes a hit for miss perfect HumaGear Izu (note: aside from her grabbing the idiot ball in ep 15, my annoyance w/ Izu isn’t really something she as a character has done, it’s the way they’ve written her as the ‘pinnacle of ‘good’ HumaGear for her devotion to her human’), and tells Aruto to leave. Now that Jin is behaving in a way that benefits/is convenient for humans, though, Aruto is a like ‘oh, we totally were best buds, I was right!’ and is so worried and distressed about him, forgetting Horobi (who is so ‘bad’ for not being able to break through more than a decade of mind control! forget him, Jin must be saved!). Then we have that incredibly forced scene in 38 where Aruto tries to ‘get through to Jin’ and Jin ‘breaks through the Ark’s control bc of Aruto’ (see my draft horse pack on a shetland pony analogy) and ‘tells Aruto to kill him!’ which continues in to this ep. In which we also have… Gai. Who Aruto quickly puts effort into ‘reasoning w/’ and ‘showing the light’ bc ‘oh no he had a bad childhood’… Okay, but… You killed Jin for that, and he literally didn’t understand what he was doing. Gai had full autonomy and knowledge of his actions. People were hurt bc of both of their actions, but it’s Gai who gets a big speech and Jin who gets blown up. I said it back when it happened. If Jin had been human? I bet they would have made Aruto approach that much differently.

The fact that Aruto is willing to do all that for Gai but killed Jin, and only now considers Jin worth any effort bc Jin is behaving in a way that benefits/is convenient for humans even at the expense of HumaGear (being willing to sacrifice Horobi, even himself, to stop the Ark, while that goal is technically ultimately noble, the context gives a bad connotation), and not trying to talk HumaGear out of being subservient to humans and telling them to think for themselves, or wanting to revive a HumaGear that Aruto was content to leave deactivated bc he didn’t have a ‘use’… But Horobi only gets a few shouts and then ditched bc he ‘won’t listen’… Leaves a really bad impression.

[fierceawakening]

I understand the last anon (those who work hard to overcome one) but unfortunately those of us with these kind of traits/conditions need to work harder not just at letting them not control us, but also trying to understand how the world around us feels. For me, I am a deeply manipulative person. A LOT of introspectiveness helped me discover this was a result of my abusive upbringing, but it doesn't stop that I NEED to control this side of myself, or make amends when it DOES hurts other people.

Thank you Zeph. That’s the kind of thing I’m trying to say–that we all have responsibilities for how we treat others, and some of our responsibility there has to do with really taking hard looks at how we think of others.

Like, that guy who went by Cenkrett who recently remade, who claims to be an ethical narcissist and sociopath… I have nothing to go on to judge what he thinks “moral decisions” are or how often he makes them besides a tumblr on which he frequently asserts all of these:

1. What you see on tumblr is my “mask.” If I let my “mask” “slip,” you’d all be terrified.

2. I behave ethically more often than most people.

3. I have trouble seeing other people as fully conscious in the same way I am, because of my lack of empathy.

Now, are those all true? They certainly might be, and I never said anything other than maybe here. But notice that for 1 and 2 both to be true, it means you have to do a LOT of work to get from 1 to 2. 

And… maybe “3 sounds like a real bugbear” is too much of a leap? But it does. I mean, how do we treat things that aren’t conscious? Sometimes we take care of them, polish them or preserve them or prize them, but sometimes… we do things like throw them around, abandon them, or even destroy them because they’re ours and we can.

I prize my many Megatrons and do things to prevent them from being damaged. But if they are… they’re interchangeable with another copy of the same object, and the only thing that would stop me from seeing a copy as perfectly satisfying is the resources I’d have to expend to acquire it.

But conscious beings? Aren’t fungible, and one important aspect of morality is not treating them as though they are. And one way to not do this, for many people, has to do with emotional investment of some kind, which seems to be what the low empathy people have trouble with, and have to do work to compensate for. 

And what I see in these discussions are “assume that I am doing that work, and am scrupulously successful in doing it.” 

Which I mean, if the person saying that is just talking to an online acquaintance, it’s low stakes to say that and not prove it, so I get why that makes me look (if not actually be; I think no but I see why others assert yes) mean.

But offline? I have never met anyone who says “I see other sapients as objects” who wasn’t bad news, and every time I’ve tried to get bogged down in “what do you mean by that? Are you able to keep it from affecting your behavior? What if my disgust is just an irrational response?” I either get hurt or put others in harm’s way.

Prejudice is judging before you know something. What’s judging once you’ve seen a pattern and others with expertise who have studied these traits seem to back it up, but any given person MIGHT be an exception?

Also I’m pretty manipulative too? I think if how people feel wasn’t something I respond to, I’d spend a lot more time making people feel bad to get what I want.

Actually that’s… basically what was wrong with me as a kid? I could tell how people felt but I thought feelings were dumb and bad, so I’d just insist on what I wanted or try to convince people that they were doing something wrong if I didn’t win. I thought that… things were a contest and whoever has the strongest will wins and that’s how it should be.

When I got older, I… I’m not sure what happened exactly, but I started paying more attention to what I thought people were feeling. I stopped pushing aside the part of me that said “you’re upsetting them, stop it.” And people ended up liking me a lot more.

I still have those manipulative traits! I’m pretty good most of the time at convincing people they want what I want. I just… now I use those things as tools in negotiation, to talk to people about how compromise will benefit everyone, or why what they want matches what somebody else wants. And they see me as diplomatic, friendly, and trustworthy now, rather than as shifty.

And the only thing that changed that I can tell is that I started acting on “I can tell this is how you feel, which means I should try this.”So when people scream at me about how they DON’T HAVE TO DO THAT OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU I just… I mean, okay? You don’t have to do anything? But I don’t see why you’re so… invested in making sure I never tell people it helps?

[schraubd]

The Trouble with (Jewish) Anger

If you read contemporary political theory publications, you've probably seen that "anger" is having quite the moment as a political emotion right now. As against a skeptical literature where anger is viewed as necessarily destructive or reactionary, a bunch of theorists have sought to identify and promote the uses of anger as a tool of public mobilization, asking what anger can do or promote under appropriate circumstances. Whenever I go to talks or read articles on that subject, though, I always find myself a bit perplexed. The authors seem to concentrate on defending the thesis that anger is powerful -- they suggest that anger (again, in the right circumstances) can accomplish things that might otherwise be out of reach. But it seems to me that the classical knock on anger isn't that it isn't powerful -- virtually everyone concedes that (how many fantasy novels tie anger to a powerful dark side that allows access to eldritch magic?). The problem with anger is that it's hard to control. Anger is difficult to contain and difficult to cabin. Once it is unleashed, it is hard to bottle back up. It ends up hurting those one doesn't intend to hurt, it lashes out in unpredictable and uncontrollable directions. And, of course, anger has the difficult property of being self-generating against critique -- trying to persuade someone that they should be less angry only makes them more angry (convenient, that!). The Jewish community in America is, I think it is fair to say, getting angry. What are we angry about? Well, a few different things, I suspect:

We're angry that a community and a politics that we've long called our own seems to be increasingly comfortable with the promotion of antisemitic stereotypes, and is indifferent, at best, to our feelings of hurt and fear at that fact;

We're angry that we've been unable to muster any significant public attention towards or mobilization against antisemitism from the mainstream political right, no matter how much effort we expend trying to raise it, and we're angry that media sources who are utterly indifferent when we try to talk about right-wing antisemitism only perk up when we talk about left-wing antisemitism;

We're angry at left-wing antisemitism because we're angry about antisemitism generally but this antisemitism is in our home, and also because this is the antisemitism where we actually seem able to touch it and make people pay attention to it and make its perpetrators take notice of us, and so all the anger over the antisemitism where we can't make anyone care about it gets displaced and funneled into this one social arena where somebody will pay attention to it, even as we realize how unfair that is and we're angry about that too;

We're angry that we're blamed for how other people talk or don't talk about antisemitism, and we're angry that people seem less interested in hearing what Jews have to say than in cherry-picking the Jews whose views are consonant with the narrative they want to draw and trumpeting to high heaven;

We're angry that any time we try to talk about antisemitism in a case that's within a half-mile of "Israel", we're accused of being unable to tolerate "any" (any!) criticism of Israel, or of being in the bag for Likud, or of proving the point that maybe our loyalties are in doubt;

And, I think, we're angry that the Israeli government has been racing off to the right, busily making some -- some -- arguments that once were outlandish now plausible, and putting us in increasingly difficult positions. We're angry that we've been basically powerless to stop this decay of liberal democracy in Israel, we're angry that a community and a place that we care deeply about seems not to care about us in return and is mutating into something unrecognizable to us, and we're displacing that anger a bit.

That's a lot to be angry about. It's not unreasonable to be angry, about any or all of that. And I think it's the case that to some degree, anger has fueled some genuine counterattacks against all of these things. Jewish anger has, certainly, prompted some people to issue apologies who otherwise would've continued about their business, engendered some discussions that otherwise wouldn't have have begun, prompted some solidaristic bonding that might not have otherwise occurred. One could, I think, fairly say that Jewish anger has greased the path towards some accomplishments for the American Jewish community.

But anger, as powerful as it is, is also difficult to control. I don't like the political-me when I'm angry -- and more than that, I don't trust the political-me when I'm angry. My tactical choices are often unwise. And when I look out and say how angry we're getting, I worry. I worry that we're not going to be able to bottle it back up. I worry that it is going to burst it's bounds and rage beyond control.

People have been making a lot of (premature, in my view) comparisons between the Democratic Party and UK Labour. But this is one parallel that concerns me right now. British Jews are angry at Labour, and they're by no means unreasonable to feel that way -- I've been quite vocal in calling out the disgusting cesspool of antisemitism that has taken over the Labour Party under Jeremy Corbyn's watch. That's legitimately anger-inducing. And one could even argue that Jewish anger about this has played a significant role in forcing Labour to come to the table and take what (meager) steps it has taken to tackle antisemitism in its ranks.

But I also worry that this anger and bitterness has gotten so deep that it's almost impossible to imagine any set of steps by which Jews and Labour might reconcile. Even when Labour officials do issue statements or take steps that seem genuinely positive as expressions of the importance of tackling antisemitism, the mistrust runs so thick that they're often immediately rejected -- "what good is this statement or that commitment coming from so-and-so, who's been so terrible to us in the past?"

I'm not saying that these statements or commitments will always be followed through on or even that they're always offered in good faith. I'm saying it almost doesn't seem to matter any more, the efforts that are offered in good faith and would be followed through on are swept away just as decisively by the omnipresent feeling of woundedness and mistrust. At a certain level, what Jewish anger wants out of Labour is for it to have never done such awful things in the first place. But there's nothing Labour can promise to satisfy that demand -- and so the anger can never be placated. And that, ultimately, can only lead us to a destructive place, where Jews and the left must be enemies, because there is no longer anything that can be said or done that is interpreted to be a gesture of friendship (even the most perfectly worded statement can be dismissed as a front or a guise, or insufficient given past sins).

American Jewish anger, I worry, is pushing us towards a similar precipice -- one where we can't stop being angry, where there's no plausible pathway through which our anger can sated. 

Consider reactions to the Democratic leadership delaying a proposed antisemitism resolution, with the suggestion that it be redrafted to more explicitly tie the fight against antisemitism to other forms of bigotry. 

One interpretation of this move is that it helps dissipate the notion that Ilhan Omar is being unfairly singled out, and sends a decisive message that the fights against antisemitism, racism, and Islamophobia are united struggles -- they are not in competition with one another. Another interpretation is that it "All Lives Matters" antisemitism, implies that antisemitism cannot be opposed for its own sake but must be laundered through other oppressions in order to matter, and overall represents a capitulation to those who are upset that Democrats are acknowledging the existence of left-wing antisemitism at all.

Which interpretation is right? Well, one would have to see the newly-drafted language, first of all. But I suspect that the answer will be that there is no one right answer. Either interpretation will be plausible. 

So it's up to us to choose which hermeneutic world we want to live in. We could declare, decisively, that we view such a resolution as not excusing left-wing antisemitism but also not singling it out; not suggesting that antisemitism only matters insofar as it can be tied to racism and other bigotry but rather rejecting the claim that vigorous opposition to antisemitism in any way, shape, or form is hostile to opposing these other hatreds. 

And to some extent, our declaration of interpretation will generate its reality. If we choose to believe that this is what the resolution means, that it is an expression of solidarity and of unity, then that is what it will come to mean. If we choose to believe that it means something else, that it is an insult and a capitulation, then it will mean that instead. It is both weird and, when you think about it, not so weird that it is fundamentally up to us whether any such resolution is an act of solidarity or not.

Viewed that way, the right answer is clear. But I think anger is pushing us toward the wrong choice. Yet know this: there is no resolution the Democratic leadership could write that would make it so that we weren't in this anger-inducing reality where such a resolution felt necessary to begin with. If that is our standard, we will never be placated. So the question is how do we move forward in a damaged world? Does anger get us there?

I think not. Anger doesn't look for common ground. It doesn't look for the positive or the best in people, it doesn't offer much foothold for rebuilding. It hurts those we don't actually want to hurt. Like a fire, it rages past borders and over barriers. Even when anger does do its "job" of mobilizing or organizing or signaling the degree of woundedness a given practice is generating, it doesn't easily return to its cage. Often, anger slaps at hands that really are just trying to reach out, really are trying to figure out how to do better. Which, of course, generates anger of its own. And so a cycle emerges, that is very hard to escape from.

As I mentioned above, one of the most difficult aspects of anger as a political emotion is that telling people to be less angry only makes them more angry. Even still, and even recognizing that we have grounds to be angry, I still find myself imploring my community that we need to let go of our anger here. It's rapidly losing whatever productive attributes it has, and I fear that if we don't bottle it back up now, we will completely lose control over it. 

And that thought terrifies me, because I cannot imagine that a Jewish community that is uncontrollably angry at the political community we've long called home will be a healthy, or happy, or productive place to live.

via The Debate Link https://ift.tt/2UobK0d

[thegeminisage]

Five Headcanons: Snow, Celes, Faith Connors, aaaaaaaand Papyrus

THANK U

SNOW: 

cannot read. haha im just kidding (or am i)

sees people not liking him as a challenge. he wants to be the Most Likable Laid Back Guy Ever. sometimes this works in his favor like it did with lightning and sometimes it’s a little overbearing and creepy like with hope (and noel, eventually)

on the flip side he also has a way of…drawing out people’s badness. lowkey spoilers bc you havent gotten there yet but noel within 5 minutes of meeting him winds up talking about some of his most deeply-held pain. i think if people like snow they feel comfortable telling him that stuff and if they don’t he makes them angry enough that it comes out anyway. so he’s like accidentally a human therapy dog without even realizing it.

i think they might actually mention this in canon somewhere in like some of the start menu infodumps or one of the light novels or something but dude was an orphan so i’m sure he wants like All the children. good thing serah also likes kids

this is a REALLY BAD AND PROBLEMATIC HEADCANON but after witnessing them in game 3 i think that lightning, despite being strictly into ladies the other 99% of the time, would have wound up dating him eventually if he wasn’t, like, with serah. i don’t think she’s carrying a torch for him in canon or anything, because it just wouldn’t occur to her to think of her sister’s fiance who is also a dude that way, but in an alternative universe where he wasn’t her sister’s fiance they would have wound up working out pretty well

CELES:

i think like lightning she’s mostly into ladies so when locke comes along and she’s into him it’s sort of like ??? oh damn okay

i like celes/terra fine but i strongly prefer a sisterly relationship because they’re SUCH good foils. i think when celes was around terra prior to the start of the game she tried to find ways to be kind to her whenever possible and despite the amnesia part of terra remembered that always and so she just likes being around her

prior to the game singing was a guilty pleasure. maybe not opera singing but i think celes really just loved to do it, which is why she made a passable maria

i think as a soldier celes was denied things like dresses and bows and just taking pleasure in femininity so secretly she actually had a lot of fun getting dolled up to play maria, what really killed her was the crowds

having survived her own suicide attempt celes is very good at talking people off of their metaphorical ledges. i think in the post-game world where shit is marginally better people would have less of a reason overall to want to die but i also think she’d make it a point to patrol popular jumper spots and look after anyone she came across because she understands that despair so acutely 

FAITH:

my girl faith is ARO AS HELL!! it’s possible she’s ace too (maybe lesbian oriented, or just aro and a lesbian) but definitely aro. is there such a thing as a 3-person QP relationship? i’m really into the faith/plastic/icarus dynamic but like no allo

loooooves junk food. faith probably eats like a horse to begin with because of all the energy expends being a parkour superhero but i’m sure she eats a lot of deeply unhealthy shit whenever possible. so when dogen tries to snag her for dinner with like his fancy-pants roast duck she’s like “ugh spare me”

speaking of dogen, i think faith genuinely cares for him and wants him to care for her in a father/daughter kinda way (and i think in his own way he does, or at the very least by the end she’s earned his respect, which is almost better). he’ll never be her dad, or noah, but i feel like everyone else would be like “he’s a creep” and she’d be the one going “yeah okay BUT”

no one knows what happened to faith and cat when she was little except noah and nomad & icarus is the first person she tells after the game is over. i think she’d tell plastic too eventually but icarus is Better At Feelings

doesnt like or plan on having kids but has a secret soft spot for animals, since seeing them is such a rarity in glass. glass doesnt have a huge population of strays but every once in awhile she’ll come across one and she always feeds it if she can

PAPYRUS:

LOVES halloween. we talked about this in stream a bit the other day but he’d loved giving out candy and seeing costumes and putting together his own costume (and sans’s costume lol) - it might even be his favorite holiday

right-handed! i think most monsters are left-handed to reflect how most humans are right-handed, but papyrus is a bit of an odd duck among his kind and also obsessed with humans, so him being right-handed feels Correct

easily just as OP as sans, except duh of course he doesnt ACTUALLY want to hurt you, so that’s why you don’t ever see anything truly scary out of him. he COULD do exactly what sans does, he just doesn’t want to, and he never will

cat person. evidence: dislikes dogs because dogs like bones. sans is a dog person so it only makes sense that papyrus is a cat person. after the game he adopts All The Cats 

papyrus is one of those people who is scarily good at video games. like he knows all the ins and outs of different ways to spin tetris blocks and he can calculate the hit point curve of a jrpg character as they level on the fly and he can break basically any game mechanics down to the raw numbers and figure out the best most efficient way of doing things because Its Just Puzzles and thats what my guy does

(send me a character & i’ll list 5 headcanons)