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rotationalsymmetry · 1 year ago

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...wow, this is not how I read that episode at all.

Of course Aziraphale loves Crowley. But he honestly, genuinely, actually believes in Heaven and the Divine Ineffable Plan and all that. He believes in goodness and that Heaven represents goodness, even if sometimes it executes it poorly. (He's an institutionalist.)

Crowley doesn't. Crowley believes in making do, in mediating between an imperfect system and your own values even if that means deception, in good enough. In, more or less, harm reduction. (He's an anarchist. I mean both these terms in a fairly morally neutral way btw.)

Their moral centers point them in very different directions, in a way that is related to Aziraphale being an angel and Crowley being a demon, but not caused by it, actually it's the opposite: Aziraphale is (still) an angel because he's, well, kind of got rose colored glasses on and believes in the idea of goodness so much that he tends to just not see when the thing that's supposed to be the platonic ideal of goodness really isn't. He believes that even if Heaven isn't yet what it should be, it can be made that way and moreover, he probably believes that if Heaven can't be made into Ultimate Goodness life isn't worth living, the universe isn't worth its existence. Goodness has to be real, for Aziraphale.

(This isn't about Heaven, but I think it points in the same direction Aziraphale's idealism: https://poets.org/poem/let-america-be-america-again)

And I think ultimately, while Aziraphale does deeply love Crowley, he's the sort of person who constitutionally cannot put personal happiness (ie being with Crowley) over doing good to the best of his ability. This is similar to what's going with Zuko mid Avatar The Last Airbender Season 2: Iroh very much wants Zuko to settle into a peaceful civilian life that's focused on personal satisfaction and which is detached from big world events, but for Zuko that would mean letting go of his honor, and he can't. Which is why Zuko Redemption Attempt #1 doesn't stick, because he's at odds with his core self. Redemption Attempt #2, which involves him changing his understanding of honor, does stick because while changing his idea of what honor means is hard, it's possible, whereas for Zuko living without a concept of honor and being in any sense true to himself is impossible. He wouldn't be Zuko if he didn't care about honor, deeply and overwhelmingly. (And you'll notice for Redemption 2 Zuko walks out on Mai without any appearance of hesitation or regret; it doesn't mean he doesn't care about her, it just means he can't prioritize personal relationship over doing what (he understands as being) right.)

I could be wrong about this, but my read isn't that Aziraphale is prioritizing long term happiness with Crowley over for-now happiness. He's prioritizing his values over a relationship with someone who (apparently/he thinks) does not share his values.

And so is Crowley. Crowley absolutely could follow Aziaraphale into Heaven. Aziraphale wants that. Aziraphale initially assumes, incorrectly, that Crowley will be willing to do that. If we assume Crowley is primarily motivated by selfishness -- selfishness is a loaded term, let's say pursuit of personal happiness through connection/relationships -- it makes no sense that he'd refuse. He's motivated by ethical principals and he is choosing those moral principles over his relationship with Aziraphale. Because from Crowley's perspective, both Heaven and Hell suck. They're collaborating to destroy this beautiful world full of stars and people and croissants. Crowley can't morally countenance working with Heaven.

And the deep, horrifying tragedy is that Aziraphale and Crowley ultimately don't want different thing, at the core. They want the same things. But they have different understandings of how to achieve that thing, where Aziraphale believes that he can get there by working with Heaven (because he thinks Heaven must be basically good, all evidence to the contrary be damned) and Crowley thinks Heaven is irredeemable.

And I don't think they'd love each other if they didn't basically want the same thing, if there wasn't some space between their differences over means and their commonality over ends. And I don't think they could stay in love if one of them abandoned their core values.

And there are so many real life examples of this, where people pick polar opposite political stances and fight intensely over them when the values motivating those stances are the same. That's not always what happens, sometimes the core values are actually different, but other times the values are the same (like "life" or "justice" or "safety/security" or "freedom") but people understand the world differently and take different, opposing stances as a result. There are people who are in favor of torture because they're assholes, but there's also people who ...don't like pain and are under the impression that torturing certain kinds of people under certain circumstances can mean less suffering overall. *shrug* people are complicated. One of the things that keeps coming up against prison abolition is the idea that we need prisons to handle rapists and stuff, which, doesn't make any sense to me but the point is for many people that's a genuine consistent stance. Actually the "resurrectionist" episode touches on this, Aziraphale starts out convinced that grave digginig is Wrong and then comes around to the opposite stance; his moral values didn't change, but his understanding of the world did.

(as for subverting heaven: maybe. In the ending credits we see Aziraphale grinning right before the camera blurs out, which makes me think he has A Plan. But I don't think he had A Plan before that, and I still don't think that has much to do with Crowley, that was Aziraphale processing the knowledge that he was going to be expected to bring about the Second Coming, which he doesn't want to do.)

Let’s talk about the moment Aziraphale *almost* denies the Metatron.

“Anything you need to take with you?”

“No. Nothing I can think of.”

His voice is uncertain. He gazes longingly through the window, where Crowley waits by the Bentley. Aziraphale hasn’t lost him yet. It isn’t too late to change his mind. We can see it play out across his face, and he wheels on the Metatron.

“I—I think I…”

What? Changed my mind? Made a mistake? Can’t do this? Can’t do it without Crowley? The micro expressions going on in this second look out the window are absolutely crushing. The hint of a smile is gone. His face is cast in shadow. He is resigned.

He’s decided. The possibility he could fix things in Heaven is too strong a draw to back out now. Crowley is still waiting out there. He’ll always be waiting. Maybe Aziraphale can make a better world for him.

“Nothing at all.”

This smile is *forced.* Aziraphale truly believes he can change the system. He needs Crowley. But the only thing he wants more than being with Crowley *right now* is the chance to be with him indefinitely in a world where they are free to love one another without fear.

The entire scene is shot in such a way that when Aziraphale is alone on screen, he occupies only half of the frame. He is only one part of a whole, and the loss of Crowley (for the time being) is palpable. Out in the street, the shot of Crowley is framed in a similar way, though reversed.

I still feel ways(TM) about Aziraphale’s decisions at the end of E6, but this little moment of “I—I think I…” is proof he considered backing out, and almost, *almost* went through with it. He could have rushed to Crowley, could have run away with him to the South Downs or to Alpha Centauri, but the system would stay broken, and any peace they would’ve had would only be borrowed. He wants to give Crowley the real thing—all of his love, all of the future, unfettered by the constant threat of a corrupt Heaven.

#undescribed #good omens meta

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or-something-better · 2 years ago

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Sam & Ruby

August 26, 2022

Ruby

Tipping the wine bottle upside down, I was surprised when nothing poured out into my glass. Turning it and squinting down into the dark nothing I realize it's empty... but, wasn’t it just full?

“Oh damn”

Carefully standing up from the bed, I stood still for a minute to give the room a chance to stop spinning. Damn! Once I was on stable footing again, I shake my head slightly thinking what a complete waste an empty wine bottle is, especially with my being all alone tonight. I have to do something about this tragedy! Tightening my grip on the bottle’s neck, I make up my mind to get another and head for the kitchen.

Bumping against the end of the bed, and stepping over the other empty bottles, I see Sam’s discarded flannel on the floor. How many times did I have a talk with him about that? Snatching it up, ready to toss it in the hamper but instead wrap it around my shoulders and breathing in deeply the smell of the hunter I’d come to care for. With a smile, I change my mind knowing where I need to go. Taking a moment to chase my thoughts and concentrate, I appear at the top of the stairs.

Sam

Standing against the counter in the Bunker Kitchen, I stuff a Fig Newton into my mouth whole, close my eyes and chew, savoring the taste explosion it sets off.

“Oh my god… these are amazing.”

Why had it taken me soooo long to discover them? A crime! A crime it was! Knowing that the Bunker was empty right this moment, I pour out the rest of the cookies, and head back to the map room balancing a heaping plate full of soft figgy heaven. Already planning to take full advantage of ‘no eyes on me’, while I eat every last one of them.

Distracted by the smell of my little spongy wonders, I didn’t see Ruby on the Bunker stairs until her bare foot missed a step halfway to the bottom. In a split second my mind took in the entire scene, ‘Ruby starting to fall, a bottle in mid-drop, the fact that she was wearing a robe and one of my own shirts’… all screaming out in my head and registering to me as an Immediate Threat to my wonderful plate of Newtons.

With ninja-like grace and speed, I run forward and catch the bottle with my free hand. Then spinning quickly; manage to catch Ruby’s weight against my chest, while holding the plate of cookies high. With a quick three steps upward, I sandwich her body securely between my much larger one and the railing, keeping her from falling and never dropping a single cookie. Yes!

Ruby

Admiring the Bunker’s quiet empty space, I slowly make my way down the stairs for more wine. Unable to grasp the stair rail with both hands full, I go even slower concentrating on the careful placement of my feet. Finding that my ability to think is getting more difficult and just I start to entertain the notion that maybe this little trip wasn’t such a good idea, when I feel myself airborne. Closing my eyes, I feel the air rushing and the world spinning. Finally, after what felt like forever, I come to rest against a solid warm surface, with the breath knocked out of me. Sucking air into my lungs, I can’t hold in my delighted chuckle.

“Wow… that was fun!”

Sam

The sound of Ruby’s laughter seemed to have the power to make time return to its normal mundane speed. Breathing heavily, I realize how this must look and immediately worry someone would magically choose this exact moment to return home and catch us. Old insecurities die hard. Quickly dropping the empty wine bottle onto the nearest step, I use my now free hand to hold Ruby steady against the railing. Leaning down I carefully set the plate of cookies onto the step I’m standing on and then take a half step back and two steps down myself.

“Holy cow, Ruby are you okay?”

Ruby

For some reason the sound of Sam's voice so close makes me chuckle even more. With my eyes still closed, I try to control my mirth and nod at the same time, only managing to stammer out one word…

“ppp..per…perfectly”

Before the lights go out.

Sam

I somehow manage to catch Ruby as she slumps forward into unconsciousness, swinging her up into my arms. This simple movement causes the white terrycloth robe she’s wearing to fall open, showing off quite a bit more leg and thigh than I ought to be looking at in the middle of the Bunker.

“Shit!”

Swearing to myself, but unable to do anything about it, I turn and take the last stairs down as quickly as possible, supremely glad that nobody was around to witness this.

Thinking fast, I hurry to my room and set Ruby carefully down onto my bed, scrambling quickly to cover her bare legs with the folds of her robe. Then tugging a sheet over her to add additional concealment, just for good measure. Whew, that was a close one. Could have been a really nasty fall if I hadn’t been there at just the right time and what the hell was she doing here dressed in a robe anyway?!

Looking around at my room it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I wasn’t going to be coming back in here tonight. In the shadowed lighting, I just stood there letting my heart rate return to normal. Looking down at Ruby I have to smile, she looks almost angelic lying there completely unguarded and I reach out and smooth the hair back from her face. With a sigh, I realize it’s time for me to get my ass back to my waiting Newtons, before everyone comes home and just possibly I’ll be washing them down with some alcohol of my own now.

Stopping for one final glance from the doorway to assure myself Ruby was gonna be fine, I walk out the door thinking it was a shame that things were what they were… for all of them.

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spring-books · 3 years ago

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One of the most famous non relationships in mdzs is probably wwx vs jzx, which culminates in a whole torrent of tragedy etc etc. But I do think the most epic non relationship continues to be jc vs lwj.

Not only is it hilarious that jc didn't get along with either of his brother in laws but hed probably have gotten along better with jzx than lwj! He literally spent 3 months on the road with this dude with a common goal in mind and both of them came out of it going "good fucking riddance".

These two dislike each other so much. And it's extra funny because the outside world is like wow those are two incredibly unpleasant dudes(in different ways) And wwx is like yeah, but they're my unpleasant dudes and I like them so much(also in different ways), so they have to suck it up and see each other a lot more than any of them would have liked(which is a nil amount)

I just think it's a really neat dynamic. I would kill to have like even a single chapter of these two on their three month journey. It would probably be one page long and be purely a description of the scenery they both stared at to avoid looking at each other.

#jiang cheng #lan wangji #mdzs

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somanyfuckedupiftruebooks · 2 years ago

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Mag 70

I can't wait until next year when I turn 30 and have to start facing my own mortality.

Hang on, is the line about the moment you die feeling just like this one from this episode?? I thought that was what the corpse said to Georgie? Wow, we've really enetered the era where I no longer remember what the fuck is going on.

ARGH!! I've just discovered something else I've been misremembering! I've been referring to the skin book full of ghosts that Gerry ends up inside as the Book of the Dead. But this is the Book of the Dead, and TMA wiki says the other book is called the Catalogue of Trapped Dead. I managed to confuse the two and thought they were the same book somehow, but this one is described completely differently and also has different powers.

Oh I love the contrast between the poetic passage about life and death and the chilling handwritten warning underneath.

Well, it's not a practical joke, but Phil definitely did find one final way to be an asshole from beyond the grave. Imagine hating someone so much that you deliberately doom them to a horrifically gruesome death via a Leitner. What a motherfucker.

Wow this book has been around for a really long time. Have Leitners existed for as long as books have existed? Were there pre-book Leitners? Handwritten scroll Leitners? Clay tablet Leitners?

Okay so this is still a terrible way to die, but in my opinion it's by far the best of all the ones we hear about in this statement. It makes sense to me that if Phil knew his death was coming to the point at which he was orchestrating his final revenge on some guy he hated, he had settled on a specific death which was comparatively manageable.

Yep, this death sucks! It's horrible! But easily the worst part for me is the specific date. Knowing that something horrible is going to happen in a specific place at a specific time is so much worse than just being struck by random tragedy out of nowhere.

Great that the statement-giver reacts in exactly the same way we all would: dismissing/ignoring it as much as possible but also absolutely doing anything possible to avoid the prophesied death. Too bad the book has a built in mechanism to make both of those things impossible.

Yooooo, do the people killed by this book end up as ghosts??

19 hours??? Yep, this death is definitely worse than being impaled on the road.

It's so evil that the book gets in your head and compels you to keep re-reading it over and over, and changes your death ever time so that you can never be prepared. This is probably one of the worst Lietners.

#a mag a day #reeah reacts to tma #mag 70 #the end #library of jurgen lietner #book of the dead

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makeste · 3 years ago

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BnHA Chapter 337: Le traître de U.A.

Previously on BnHA: Kacchan was all “and so in conclusion that’s how my awesome new technique works, and why I henceforth will be bringing back my iconic winter costume, voted #1 overall best hero costume three years in a row by JD Power and Associates.” Todoroki was all “I HAVE DONE IT, I HAVE MASTERED BOTH LEFT AND RIGHT, YIN AND YANG, HOT AND COLD.” Fandom was all, “well you’ve definitely mastered hot.” Hagakure was all, “so about that U.A. Traitor reveal last week.” Aoyama was all “OH MAMAN AND PAPAN, WE’RE REALLY IN IT NOW.” Aoyama’s parents were all, “WOE IS US, IF ONLY YOU HADN’T BEEN BORN QUIRKLESS FORCING US TO RUIN YOUR LIFE BY MAKING A PACT WITH THE PROVERBIAL DEVIL.” Hagakure was all “OMG AOYAMA IS THE TRAITOR, I HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE, THANK GOD DEKU IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE.” Deku was all, “(╹⌓╹).”Aoyama was all, “(⌣_⌣”) anyways yep it’s me, I’m the traitor.”

Today on BnHA: Flashback!Aoyama’sParents are all “[fuck around and find out].” Flashback!AFO is all, “you could not live with your failure. Where did that bring you? Back to me.” Hagakure is all “NOW THAT I AM NO LONGER NEEDED TO PLAY THE RED HERRING ROLE, HERE’S MY FACE! TA-DAH~.” Deku is all, “[immediately defeats Aoyama with NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER].” Rat Principal is all, “dammit and I was so convinced there was no traitor and Horikoshi just forgot about the plotline [looks directly at the camera].” Class 1-A is all, “well this SURE DOES SUCK.” Aoyama is all “I’M JUST GONNA SIT HERE WALLOWING IN GUILT AND DESPAIR.” Deku is all “DAMMIT AOYAMA, YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T JUST WALLOW IN GUILT AND DESPAIR RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND NOT EXPECT ME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.” Kacchan is all “so I’m just completely gay for Deku now and that’s just how it is, huh.” WSJ is all “DO YOU THINK DEKU’S WORDS WILL REACH AOYAMA?!” as if there was ever any fucking doubt lmao.

oh my GOD of all the times to cut away from a scene. hello again, villains

I love how Dabi just immediately knows that AFO is talking about a traitor at UA. way to assume. like for all you know he was talking about his book club. I wonder what books AFO likes to read. or more precisely, which books he likes to read approximately six chapters of before deciding that he’s already got the gist. “yep, bad guy’s gonna win this one too. next!” “er, well actually, Shigaraki-san -- “ “I SAID, next”

anyway so what the hell were we talking about again. oh right, the traitor being exposed. so AFO says it’s not gonna be a problem for them at all

wow, geez

blow it up?? let me ask you AFO, is there anything you don’t blow up when you’re done with it?? you have a problem man

also does this mean AFO is a smoker lol. might be time to give up the habit if so, given your current medical condition. just saying

btw I know a lot of people, myself included, are very, very happy to see Spinner comforting Tomura after everyone else basically just sat there doing diddly squat while he was writhing around in pain last week sob. you love to see it. he just might be the only actual true friend that Tomura has ever had, and that means a whole fucking lot actually. especially with that big redemption arc on the horizon

and meanwhile AFO, who unlike me doesn’t get distracted literally every two panels, is still talking about Aoyama, and is basically all, “if he dies he dies”

BUT MEANWHILE I’M JUST GONNA SIT HERE AND GO HMMM AT THIS “NEXT POSSIBLE ROUTE” LINE

HMMMM

oh god, oh shit

“a disposable life” :’) hey Horikoshi what’s up. you good, bro? you’re not actually gonna kill off any of the kids, right? even if their backstories are just screaming “tragedy waiting to happen” right now? you still wouldn’t actually do that, right? right??

LMAO IT’S ONLY BEEN A WEEK BUT I SOMEHOW FORGOT ALL ABOUT HOW BREATHTAKINGLY STUPID AOYAMA’S PARENTS ARE

RUN WHERE?? LOOK AT THIS. THEY’RE NOT EVEN LOOKING WHERE THEY’RE GOING YOU GUYS. GONNA RUN STRAIGHT INTO A TREE. DEKU NO NEED TO GIVE CHASE, JUST SIT BACK AND LET NATURAL SELECTION DO ITS THING HERE

and meanwhile Aoyama is all “yeah thinking back on it my parents were actually a whole lot more concerned about me being quirkless than I was, probably because they were raised as rich snobs with expectations of having an easy, perfect life, and weren’t about to let their quirkless son fuck all of that up”

“actually makeste, what I actually said is that they tried their best and wished for nothing but my happiness” okay listen Aoyama, you go ahead and interpret things your way, and meanwhile I’ll continue to interpret my own way over here, okay? which of us is doing this recap

“then they got an idea. an awful idea. my parents got a WONDERFUL, AWFUL idea”

oh my fucking lord I just hate them so much lol

“WE WOULD LITERALLY PREFER OUR VERY YOUNG SON TO BE IN CONSTANT PAIN FROM A QUIRK JUST SO LONG AS IT MEANS HE ACTUALLY HAS A QUIRK SO WE CAN SHOW OUR FACES IN PUBLIC AGAIN.” just wonderful, wonderful people. the best people. “with all my hardships in mind” seriously though this makes it sound like he thinks they were doing him a favor by not abandoning him for causing him so much trouble. maybe it’s just the translation, idk! but all I know is that if you ask me, these people suck

oh geez oh fuck

does he always talk like this?? Mr. and Mrs. Aoyama, you really had a wholeass conversation with a man who used those speech bubbles, and you still thought to yourselves, “yep you know what, I trust him, let’s go ahead and let him fuck around with our four-year-old’s DNA”??

jesus fucking christ. he was just a fucking kid

lolol these feelings. oh man. let me tell you. they are MIXED

because on the one hand, it really does bear repeating, THIS WAS A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD KID?? but on the other hand, these were also HIS FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD CLASSMATES, who were nearly killed on multiple occasions, and somehow Aoyama managed to live with himself afterwards. literally the only reason Tsuyu isn’t a pile of dust right now is because Aizawa is the biggest badass of all time and nearly got his face permanently broken for his trouble. meanwhile the only reason Kacchan isn’t dead or worse (because “worse” is always on the table when you’re dealing a group that loves performing mad scientist experiments on children) is because Momo is the second biggest badass of all time, and because she and Deku and Todoroki and Kirishima didn’t fucking listen when Aoyama “this is secretly my fault but I would rather not say anything :)” Yuuga tried to talk them out of going to save him. my favorite part is when he added “we did all we could ☆” yeah thanks so much for your noble endeavors there Yuuga

anyway so yeah. definitely some conflicted feelings, and I won’t pretend otherwise. but at the end of the day I think I’m gonna focus on the fifteen-year-old kid part of it, and continue to direct the majority of my shade towards his truly appalling parental units

anyway so I apologize for that rant lol. just had to get it all out of my system. now what was this last part about luring Deku out somewhere and isolating him??

oh okay are we not gonna talk about that yet lol. more feels first

MOTHERFUCKING DANGER SENSE AHHHHH DEKU WATCH YOUR SIX

FFFFFF THEY’RE BOTH SO HORRIFIED

DEKU AS USUAL WITH NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF CONCERN FOR HIS OWN WELLBEING SOB. I WONDER IF HE’S ALREADY PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER WITH WHAT HAPPENED TO NAGANT

-- OH FUCK YEAH

“I’M HERE, TOO!!” GIIIIIIIIRL

OMG. QUIRK REVEAL???

I MEAN WE PRETTY MUCH ALREADY KNEW THAT BY THIS POINT, BUT YEAH!!

FOR THAT MATTER THOUGH, SHOULDN’T AOYAMA AND DEKU ALSO KNOW THIS BY NOW LOL. WE NEVER GOT CONFIRMATION, BECAUSE WE WERE BUSY GETTING RED HERRINGED. BUT WHAT’S THEIR EXCUSE. “HAGAKURE... AH, WELL, THE THING IS... SHE’S BASICALLY JUST KINDA THERE, YOU KNOW?” OH MY GOD. NOT YOU GUYS TOO

OH MY GOD GIRL YOU TELL HIM

FUCKING THIS?? ALTHOUGH, WE LITERALLY HAVE AFO ON RECORD SAYING HE WILL TOSS AOYAMA ASIDE LIKE A USED CIGARETTE LIGHTER THE MINUTE HE SHOWS EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF DISLOYALTY THOUGH. MAN, WHY CAN’T ANYTHING EVER BE FUCKING SIMPLE LOL. WHO THE FUCK ASKED FOR ALL THIS NUANCE ANYWAY spoiler alert I did

OH MY GOD

HAGAKURE FACE REVEAL AHHHHHHHHH

SHE IS ADORABLE OMFG

ARE HER TEARS INVISIBLE TOO. I JUST REALIZED I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT THIS. WHEN HAGAKURE CRIES DOES IT LOOK LIKE TEARS ARE JUST APPEARING OUT OF THIN AIR AND FLOATING THERE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. WHAT ABOUT WHEN SHE BLOWS HER NOSE OMG. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M GONNA CUT YOU OFF RIGHT THERE AND WE’RE NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT ANY OF THE OTHER HUMORS THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I DEEPLY REGRET GOING DOWN THIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT NOW, FUCK

IS SHE ACTUALLY VISIBLE OR IS THIS JUST FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT LOL

“WHAT ELSE IS IT GONNA TAKE TO FINALLY CONVINCE YOU SHE’S NOT THE FUCKING TRAITOR” okay look man, I said I was 95% sure. the 5% was just me playing out a hypothetical basically just for shits and giggles and stuff. I believe you, okay?

“YOU STILL HAD THE NERVE TO SIT IN THE SAME CLASSROOM AS US” agreed. and he would have been perfectly content to sit on that information for the rest of his life if AFO hadn’t made a comeback. I mean look, clearly we have established that Aoyama is not quite shounen main character material. but on the other hand those are very high standards to meet. it doesn’t mean he’s a bad kid. just a kid whose fears outweighed his guilt. and because of that he wound up having to live with both, which must have been pretty fucking brutal

-- NOBODY ASKED YOU

WHY ARE YOU STILL EVEN HERE, CHRIST. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND OUR SON IS SPECIAL AND WE MADE ALL THESE SACRIFICES TO ENSURE HE WOULD FIT IN WITH EVERYBODY ELSE AND NOT EMBARRASS US. AND SO WHAT IF WE HAD TO ENDANGER A COUPLE DOZEN CHILDREN TO DO IT, AND ALSO ENDANGER OUR OWN SON’S LIFE, AND POISON HIS DREAM OF BECOMING A HERO. YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THE KIND OF SOCIAL PRESSURE WE WERE UP AGAINST”

THANK YOU, LOL

“YOU DON’T GET TO TALK ANYMORE” FUCK EM UP DEKU!!

oh my god I can’t with this scan quality. I am dying to get a better look at Deku’s “officially done with ALL of this shit” face

Hagakure is actually right there and can in fact speak for herself, Deku. but yes

whoa dude what the hell is happening in this bottom panel here

is he using Blackwhip to cover up his own face as well? is this some sort of manly shounen dignity-preserving technique lol

and where are we cutting away to???

heh. what the fuck

oh thank god, Horikoshi made that segue creepy as all hell for absolutely no reason lol

anyone feel like pointing out how Rat Principal and co. have been searching for the U.A. Traitor for almost a goddamn year now and never found a damn thing and so were all “YOU KNOW WHAT THERE PROBABLY ISN’T EVEN A TRAITOR AT ALL”, and so Hagakure and Deku had to step in to do their fucking jobs for them? you’re welcome, UA. they should name a wing of the school after them. or at least a science lab or something

lmao what

“I know what you’re all thinking,” Horikoshi says as he furiously scrambles to patch up all of his careless plot holes with fucking flex tape. “don’t worry, Aoyama won’t get blown up because [handwave] it’s probably fine.” you are so lucky Nao is here to distract me right now, even if this panel you drew of him is just as half-assed as your explanations

NOOOO MY BABIES

THEY’RE SO FUCKING DEVASTATED THOUGH OMG. THEIR PAL BETRAYED THEM AND ALMOST GOT THEM KILLED MULTIPLE TIMES AND THEN JUST SAT THERE PRETENDING LIKE NONE OF IT EVER EVEN HAPPENED. AND THEN HE WAS GOING TO FUCKING DO IT AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE WORLD AT STAKE

AND THE WORST PART IS THEY’RE NOT EVEN MAD?? JUST SHOCKED AND DEVASTATED. ALTHOUGH THE ONE PERSON WHOSE REACTION I’M MOST CURIOUS TO SEE NATURALLY HASN’T BEEN SHOWN YET, AS USUAL

OJIRO OUT HERE ASKING THE REAL QUESTIONS HOT DAMN

BETRAY YOU ALL YET AGAIN AND THEN CRY AND FEEL VERY BAD ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS. MOST LIKELY

BTW IS HE HOLDING HAGAKURE’S HAND OMFG. ARE YOU GUYS REALLY ACTUALLY DATING. SPINNERRAKI AND OJIKURE CONFIRMED IN THE SAME CHAPTER, WHAT A WILD WEEK THIS IS

OH MY GOD KIRISHIMA LOOKS SO FUCKING HEARTBROKEN

HE’S LITERALLY BEGGING HIM TO GIVE HIM SOME IMPLAUSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR IT NOT REALLY BEING TRUE. KIRI I’M SO SORRY YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS

FDLKAJSLRKGJALSKFG

[PICKS KACCHAN UP AND RUNS AWAY IGNORING HIS INDIGNANT PROTESTS] [SETS HIM DOWN ON THE COUCH] [WRAPS HIM IN A COZY BLANKET AND BUILDS A PILLOW FORT AROUND HIM] [GIVES HIM SOME HOT COCOA AND STOCKS HIM UP ON HOT TAMALES 3 ALARM AND ATOMIC FIREBALLS] [GIVES HIM A PAIR OF ALL MIGHT FUZZY SOCKS AND TURNS ON SOME RERUNS OF GORDON RAMSAY’S KITCHEN NIGHTMARES]

LITERALLY HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO LOVE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER THIS MUCH. KACCHAN WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU OF ALL PEOPLE BECOME A GENUINELY PURE FUCKING CINNAMON ROLL. HOW DID THE TRANSITION HAPPEN SO NATURALLY. I WILL FIGHT LITERALLY ANYONE AND ANYBODY WHO COMES AT YOU. LOOK AT HIM. OMG

omfg. because you know, out of everyone in this room right now he has by far the most reason to feel resentful towards Aoyama. this motherfucker sold him the fuck out. in a way it’s almost worse than what the villains did, because at least they didn’t give a fuck to begin with. but Aoyama did, supposedly, give a fuck. and yet he still fucking did it

and not only that, but this is also Katsuki we’re talking about. Katsuki, who is practically synonymous with spontaneous rage and wildly disproportionate overreactions. and in this case the rage for once actually would be proportionate and appropriate. Aoyama is very directly (if not solely) responsible for the single most traumatic event of Katsuki’s entire life. he would absolutely be within his rights to feel a little raw about it. to say the least

but instead!! instead of blowing up! instead of getting mad about it!! there’s this!! him standing there with that thoughtful expression of regret! instead of being all “me me me” and immediately thinking of how much Aoyama absolutely fucked him over, his VERY FIRST REACTION. LITERALLY HIS INSTINCT. is to focus on the “quirkless” part of Aoyama’s story, and make the connection to Deku. and how he treated Deku. and how everyone else treated Deku

like, this isn’t even just normal standard levels of empathy we’re talking about now. this is ADVANCED MOTHERFUCKING EMPATHY. THIS IS DEKU LEVELS OF EMPATHY RIGHT HERE. LEARNED FROM THE BEST. NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED HIMSELF, AND INSTEAD IMMEDIATELY PUT HIMSELF IN THE OTHER PERSON’S SHOES, AND FELT REAL, GENUINE SADNESS FOR EVERYTHING THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH. MAYBE HE EVEN LITERALLY BLAMES HIMSELF FOR BEING ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO MADE IT SO THAT PEOPLE LIKE AOYAMA AND HIS CLOWN PARENTS WOULD DREAD BEING QUIRKLESS. MOTHERFUCKER. I CAN’T. SOMEONE PLEASE FIND MY MUTE BUTTON OR ELSE I’M NEVER GONNA SHUT UP ABOUT THIS

AND DEKU STANDING RIGHT THERE!! WITH THE HIDDEN EXPRESSION!! ANGSTY SIDE PROFILE WITH THE HAIR COVERING HIS EYES?? LKSFJLWEFKSLKL SPEAKING OF LEARNING FROM THE BEST??

ANYWAY, GEEZ. THIS FUCKING MANGA. HEY HORIKOSHI WHY DON’T YOU AT LEAST GIVE ME A HEADS UP NEXT TIME BEFORE PUTTING A FUCKING HIT OUT ON ME. MAYBE I HAVE SOME FUCKING LAST WORDS I’D LIKE TO SAY BEFORE BEING MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD BY A REACTION PANEL OF A FICTIONAL CHARACTER IN A MANGA YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD

so now Nao is all “ah fuck, I guess I have to interrogate this scared fucking kid who betrayed all these other kids to the final villain now, fml”

I mean by all means please do go ahead and follow protocol though lmao. this isn’t exactly a “well I think they’ve learned their lesson, let’s let them off with a gentle warning this time” situation

fsldkfjslk

Naomasa he ain’t lying. this man literally has nothing swirling about in his head except a little monkey riding around in circles on a tricycle

fuck man this is so fucked up though

once again, just a splendid job well done ever trusting this man to begin with though. outstanding

“we are the ones at fault here!” the truths keep coming lol. though the fact remains that Aoyama wasn’t exactly playing a passive role here even if he got dragged into it all against his will

see, okay, yeah. this is exactly what I’m talking about. glad to see him owning up to it

see but he gets it. he gets it. I’m not gonna say anything to contradict any of this, Yuuga, because yeah. except maybe that last part, because fortunately for you this is a series where everyone is free to turn around and start over and seize their second chance at any time, no matter how late in the game it is. and don’t I love it for that

see Yuuga, now Deku is going to make a big comforting speech to you because he sees how conflicted you were and how much you’re hurting over it now

true true! and with Dabi and the rest of them right there too

omg another Kacchan serious face. and this time with bonus wide-eyed Tokoyami

again, Horikoshi, just a little heads up would be nice. so I can start making out my will and stuff beforehand

lkdsjflaksjg;l

“BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHEESE, AOYAMA?! WHAT. ABOUT. THE CHEESE” this is a real manga you guys. this panel and this sentence right here really exist. you’re fucking welcome

meanwhile I have to assume that everyone else is standing there frantically trying to figure out what this could possibly mean. did. did Aoyama send a secret message to Deku, in the dead of the night, written entirely in cheese

“did... did Aoyama send Deku an S.O.S. using cheese?? you guys??”

“wait, so did he like hide a secret note inside of some cheese or something?” “or, you don’t suppose... the cheese actually came to life and started talking to him?” “haah?? no way. talking cheese, what the hell kind of nonsense is that.” “okay but you guys do realize our principal is a giant talking rat, and the class next door has one kid who has a speech bubble for a head, and another kid who is literally made out of glue”

“hold up. All for One crushed somebody’s mind??” “guys, I’m just saying, it’s possible. we can’t just rule out the talking cheese.” “okay, but I feel like everybody is just focusing on the cheese, and meanwhile nobody is talking about the ‘that night.’ like, what the hell does that mean. nobody thinks it’s odd that Aoyama-kun and Deku-kun are just sending each other secret messages in the middle of the night??” “mmm. a rendezvous of darkness”

“wait, no, hold up, I just had a thought. what if it’s like. okay, so you know like how people sometimes find images of Jesus and stuff in like, toast? what if it’s something like that. maybe Aoyama found like, an image of All for One’s face, in, like... some cheese”

aaaaaand once again Deku manages to find a way to somehow blame himself sob

way to ruin that nice little cheese joke streak I had going there Deku. “what do you mean, what streak?” Deku asks, peering over at my recap notes. “wait, what the fuck -- ” okay you know what don’t judge me okay

DLSFKJLSGK

Kacchan we already figured this out last week lol. you guys will use Aoyama as a double agent to turn the tables on AFO. doy. but oh my gosh you are just too fucking cute though dflsklkfsj eyes all wide like that. looking like you’re about to whip out your own nerd analysis notebook and start scribbling down paragraph after paragraph of effusive Deku praise

anyway the chapter is ending now and that’s just how it is!

HE SAID THE THING. HE SAID THE THING THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO HIM. YOU GUYS I CAN’T. THAT’S THREE TIMES I’VE BEEN KILLED BY THIS ONE SINGLE CHAPTER WHAT IS THIS

and fdslgk “will Deku’s words reach him...?!” of course they’ll fucking reach him lmao what kind of stupid question is that. have you ever read a single page of this series

and Kacchan getting all !! at the hand reaching lol. ties in perfectly with the essay I’ve been working on all fucking week. I will get it posted this week! I’m gonna do it for real! I’m taking this as a sign and it’s gonna happen dammit. “okay makeste but you do understand that this chapter was actually about Aoyama” BOY WAS IT. Aoyama Yuuga and his stupid rich parents and surprisingly dark origin story and iconic fucking cheese messages. god bless

#bnha 337 #aoyama yuuga #hagakure tooru #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #all for one #class 1-a #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #'okay then midoriya; aoyama; now that that's all taken care of there's something we need you to settle for us'#'and before you guys answer I want you to think VERY CAREFULLY okay? I've got a lot of money riding on this'#'yeah; kaminari's all-in on the 'talking cheese quirk' theory'#'okay you know what sero your arms are made of LITERAL TAPE'#'...touche'

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sobdasha · 2 years ago

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every time i rewatch the reboot and i get to the Kana ep

I go "I need to write down my Kana Thoughts for posting" for the posterity of me and then it doesn't happen.

IDK which number try I am on but maybe it is a charm!!!

–

I feel like, way back in the day, I was not alone in being in Ayame's camp about Kana. Like, good for her or whatever, but a bit rude to go off and have a happy, healthy marriage with some far-removed-from-the-Souma man. A bit rude to let your guilt eat you alive and then recover once Hatori is no longer in your life, and walk off and leave him to stick it out alone with all the memories and the sadness.

(And then Mayuko appeared on the horizon and I stopped caring very much about the tragedy of Kana and Hatori, both of them are clearly destined to live their best lives with other people good for both of them!!!)

Anyway I feel like there were some fundamental assumptions I had going there that were not quite on point, and I have at length since reexamined things and found more complicated nuance and every time I watch the dub reboot I start to consider yet more nuances. And writing them down means I stop composing the same mental posts of meta all the time, so that frees up a little brain space, and also future!me will have things to read to be like "wow past!me so smart" or "wow past!me missed that point so hard."

1) Mental illness hard

I think I was just not tired enough back in the day, and had less life experience. I believe I was either all on board for "Kana destroys any further support she could have provided for Hatori by being consumed with guilt over the fact that she did protect Hatori from injury, for the TRAGEDY", or else it was "Kana should realize that this is counterproductive, focus on what she can do and better to have loved and lost, and recover."

This is Fruits Basket. It isn't dramatic for the sake of cheap drama, it is dramatic because it's genuine and feelings that seem stupid and nonsensical are in fact sharply distressing and overwhelming and can drown you. Therefore, I have to take it in good faith that if Kana simply cannot recover while she's with Hatori, if Kana's depression and trauma are crushing her, then that is in fact literally the case. Whether Kana was already struggling with things, or whether this whole incident was on its own too much, it's still valid.

If Kana can't cope, then Kana would never have been able to cope no matter how much she could have "tried harder."

It's not her fault. And like everyone, Kana deserves to be able to live and thrive in an environment where she is not constantly distressed, constantly feeling guilty/being made to feel guilty over things that are outside of her control, constantly unable to get away from things that trigger obsessive thought spirals, constantly not getting the support she needs in order to be able to take care of herself, let alone Hatori.

Remember: the number 1 rule of helping people is to absolutely not let them drown you. Sometimes you gotta leave them and come back later when you can get a flotation device or something, even if it looks almost identical to leaving them to drown. Choosing to prioritize yourself by swimming away to get the help you need is not the same thing as having a huge and ridiculously empty lifeboat(s) but refusing to let anyone else in it (the latter being capitalist hellscape: a metaphor). It sucks but it's true.

(And Hatori is first in line in the "I don't blame Kana for needing this and for putting her own health and well-being first" camp.)

2) Kana: "Zero regrets." Akito: *injures Hatori's eye* Kana: "1 regret."

I believe Tokyopop's line was "It would have been better if we had never met." The typical implication inferred from that being, I believe, "I regret that I met you."

Went and grabbed the volume now to look at the themes….early in the relationship Kana talks about how Hatori must have been scared, of course he'd distance himself from someone he loved, but there's no need to be scared, don't push me away, I'm happy I met you, I want to be near you. So it's very much feels like an about-face when it ends with Kana saying "I think it would have been better if we had never met," even with things like "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you" sprinkled in.

The reboot dub has different nuances to me. I believe the line is more like "This wouldn't have happened if we had never met." The typical implication inferred from that being, I believe, "I regret that you got hurt because we were together."

And I think that distinction is very important for not feeling betrayed by Kana leaving and moving on, for not feeling that Kana didn't put much effort in really. "I'd never regret meeting you" to "I definitely regret meeting you" is a bad look here. "I'd never regret our relationship" to "I regret that our relationship hurt you" is a very different flavor. And the latter is certainly implied in the manga too it's just that the lines, without context, tend to have harsher default implications.

I also feel like "I want to be near you" is half an argument, arguing back against the idea that Kana does not in fact want this. Yes it references back to Hatori keeping his distance because he's afraid of the curse being discovered, but I feel like the emphasis on want has me always read it as Kana repudiating an off-screen earlier comment by Hatori that of course no one wants to be near him he is cursed and a monster and turns into a seahorse. The answer to that being, too bad you're not actually unlovable I actually do want to be near you.

I believe the reboot dub line was, simply, "I want to be with you" or something like that, with no particular emphasis on want. So the import of the sentence to me falls on To Be With You. Look I'll flesh out better what I'm trying to get at here in the next section, eventually:

3) Y'all I'm not sure Kana was actually let go from her job???

I have, in the past, been guilty of thinking that Kana ought to stick things out the way Hatori clearly stuck things out.

I have, in more recent years, realized that this is probably not a sticking-it-out kind of situation.

I mean, let's say section 1 was not an issue. AU where Kana magically gets cured of her depression after waiting it out long enough, somehow, even though that makes no sense because environmental factors are still at play. Actually that's what this section is about. Environment.

Let's have an analogy. A hypothetical you has a house plant that has thrived for a good long time, seemingly with no special effort, and you put it in a pitch black room, and it struggles for a while and dies. What the hell, the analogy!you says, somehow not knowing why this happened and thus feeling very righteously indignant. This plant has always thrived so well before and now it just gave up and died on me for no reason at all??? Oh yeah it has "problems" well how can it have "problems" now when it's never had "problems" before??? The thing this analogy!you has failed to understand is that plants need sun to grow (also needing sun to grow is not a "problem" it is not a "design flaw" and it is certainly not a sudden new occurrence), you deliberately placed the plant in an environment where you deprived it of sun, and then you blamed it for dying when you were the one who refused to give it the sun you had always given it before that had allowed it to thrive.

(This is also an analogy about ableism, if you were wondering about the sudden fervent passion there. An analogy about internalized ableism and support and capitalist hellscapes. I am, in fact, bitter. Thank you for noticing :)

Actually before I get to my point I want to collect together a sketch of Hatori and Kana's relationship based on the very blurry reference image that is canon, because otherwise I don't remember these things and can't keep them in place long enough to connect any dots:

Hatori and Kana's entire relationship is the span of about 1 year. Per the collector's timeline they meet in "winter," and ask to get married the following "fall-winter", and Kana leaves the Souma later that same winter.

They are probably just out of college, Hatori should be like 22-23 which I can assure you, from 30+ years, means they are babies. Looking back at my own life experience I can tell you in hindsight that it is definitely true that your brain does not finish developing until closer to 25 and sure "puberty" kind of peters out by the end of high school but from about 17 to 25 was an absolutely horrific brain puberty of idk mental illness??? It wasn't exactly the autism, that's always been steady, but the "anxiety disorder that picked up speed until I would have guaranteed multiple panic attacks a day every day with palpitations, vision blurring, extremities going numb, vertigo, disordered breathing, terror, and the absolute urgent conviction that I would throw up right there all over the customer's groceries and knowing I would get yelled at for running away and disappearing in the bathroom in the middle of an order since I never did in fact throw up so let's hope this time isn't the time it happens!, all while holding down a 40 hour constant-customer-service job" waxed to a terrible peak (let's see actually when we got the car I was 22 and I remember it was bad but hadn't fully crested yet at that time) and waned in that time and has since stopped existing somewhere past about 25. I can still technically have panic attacks but no longer have a separate panic disorder, and the fact that it was temporary plus the timing makes me think it was the brain equivalent of your knees hurting because you got tall. The point being, Hatori and Kana are old enough that people go "ah yes they are adults" but they are actually they are children whose prefrontal cortexes or whatever are still disasters. The point being Kana is a precious early-20s baby whose brain and body betrayed her horribly.

Hatori hasn't had an assistant in the years since, so I'm not sure if he asked for an assistant and was given Kana (and after was like "welp never doing that again, I can manage on my own somehow"), or if someone in Kana's immediately family was like "the job market is hard, please nepotism" and convinced Akito to magnanimously bestow the position upon Kana even though it wasn't necessary. That's probably not relevant. What is relevant is that after a certain point Kana starts laying out Hatori's clothes for him to wear in the morning because Hatori, a man after my own heart, hates making outfits to get dressed in the morning and thinks a suit is an all-purpose adult uniform so as to make the process easier and even then would rather someone just picked out his clothes for him. This means that they are either having "sleepovers" on the regular or Kana has fully moved into Hatori's place.

I think I started questioning whether Kana got fired from her job or not upon Akito vetoing the engagement because the reboot places her in Hatori's office for the line about no matter what Hatori said or did Kana did nothing but cry. Why that specific setting, rather than, say, the atmospherically dark and barren room that Mayu later visits Kana in? Is it because Hatori is a doctor and he is trying to treat Kana's illness? Is this simply before Kana stops being able to get out of bed? Did Akito say a huge fuck-you to Kana by informing her in no uncertain terms that Kana has no future with Hatori and must keep her hands off Hatori, but still must show up to work every day instead of being instantly banished? I assume Kana was originally "outside" family, but the room Mayuko visits Kana in seems to be "inside" still since Shigure had to sneak her in.

Which makes me suspect that Akito kept Kana close to really make a point before ultimately driving Kana away, instead of sending Kana away immediately.

Back to environment after that very long tangent. If this is the case, that's a really horrible bullshit situation. That is not a stick-it-out situation.

Every day, wake up in the room that was previously your room, instead of in your boyfriend's room which has been yours for many months. Have you had enough spoons to start moving your things back into your place? Existing is hard, now you are crying again. Get up and go to work, where it's just you and the man you love, the man you still love, the man you have been told in no uncertain terms that you have no future with. You will never get married. The head of the family will never sanction your marriage and the man you love will never marry you without that approval. The man you love will never leave this family. (Hatori has probably been honest and open about that, because it is True.) Feel guilty that you fucked up, that because you love this man and you want to be with him his eye is permanently injured and you both have to live with the knowledge that you can never be together. Feel guilty that you should have seen this coming (there was a reason you didn't openly admit you were in a relationship until you actually asked for permission to marry). Blame yourself, because who else is there to blame? It's not Hatori's fault, you know that, Hatori is the victim here. Hatori says he doesn't blame you, but Hatori also doesn't blame Akito, the person who is tormenting the two of you and who physically hurt Hatori. Hatori literally agrees that Akito is justified and that Hatori knew he was betraying Akito by being in a relationship with you. And Akito openly blames you at length. Based on all evidence you can see, based on the abusive environment you are in, it is clear to you that you are in fact to blame for everything that happened to the two of you. You thought you were making Hatori's life better, you thought the two of you would be happy, but that is clearly not the case and you certainly can't undo it all or make things better now.

There is no light at the end of this tunnel. Things will never get better with time. Akito's mind will not be changed. Hatori's mind will not be changed.

(That leaves Kana. She can either bend—change, accept the end of this relationship, leave—or she can break. She does both, but in reverse order.)

This is not like Yuki, sticking things out until he meets Tohru, until he meets Kakeru, and his world opens up and his mom relents on controlling his future. He had no guarantee the light was there, but he decided it might be and walked for long enough to find it.

This is like Kyouko, trying to stick it out to stay with Tohru but unable to overcome blunt force trauma and blood loss. This is like Kyou, who says the worst thing he can think of to prevent Tohru from confessing she loves him, because he knows they can never be happy together because he will be locked in a shed on the Souma property until he dies and Tohru will not be allowed to step foot on the estate. These are not situations you can wait out.

(This is also like Tohru, who does want Kyou to do what makes him happy because she loves him as a person, who knows she can be okay with Kyou loving someone else because she genuinely wants that for him. But not right now, right now she is not at all okay, right now she is recovering from a head injury and she's only a teenager and she hasn't processed and she can't just stop feeling her feelings no matter how much she tries to repress them and she can't cope and she cries every time she hears Kyou's name even though she knows this isn't the end of her life and her happiness. Being able to be okay in the future is not at all the same as being okay now.)

"I want to be with you," Kana said. But she can show up to Hatori's office every single day for the rest of her life and she will never, ever be with him. Being in the same room is not, in fact, the same thing as being with him.

I think the despair and depression eventually would have gotten to Hatori as well. I think it is a matter of Hatori simply being a different person, as well as having different life expectations. Kana has, presumably, always expected to marry a man she was wildly in love with and have a family. Hatori has, presumably, always been told that he will become a doctor, have a perfunctory marriage and a perfunctory child if Akito approves. (Hatori was the first one to tell Akito he was seeing someone, so until that incident they were all unaware that Akito was not actually going to let any Zodiacs marry anyone.)

For Hatori, falling in love with Kana was an unexpected surprise and Akito ripping them apart was a sudden-but-inevitable-betrayal and a return to the status quo. For Kana, falling in love with Hatori was exactly as expected and Akito ripping them apart came out of nowhere with no logic and was not something she would ever have predicted or been able to see coming.

So while it was still also traumatic for Hatori, I think it affected him differently. I think it was a thing he could more readily cope with, at the time. And once he made the decision to suppress Kana's memories, Hatori suddenly saw the light at the end of the tunnel. This was the only way out for both of them. His life would be the same as he'd always expected, and now Kana's life would be again, too. She wouldn't be heartsick anymore over her destroyed relationship with Hatori; at worst, she'd have the idea of an unreciprocated crush, a fantasy that never panned out (not a reality that turned out to be unsustainable), disappointing but still status quo. She would leave this godawful family and go out of town. She would have the opportunity to meet someone else under circumstances where she could be happy.

So even though it broke his heart to do it, I think Hatori didn't feel trapped as soon as suppressing Kana's memories became a real option. Life is so much easier to bear when you have the option of an escape route. No matter what the situation is, if you're trapped and you have no options it's absolutely intolerable and you're consumed with how horrible and intolerable it is and how much you want to get out but you can't get out and every day it's harder to breath and you can't look ahead at all because you have no hope of things ever changing. It's Kana getting set free that allows Hatori to cope with a future where he has no prospect of a happy marriage, that allows Hatori to cherish his memories of his relationship with Kana instead of being hurt by them.

I think if the possibility of Kana getting her memories suppressed and sent away had not been on the table, sooner or later Hatori would have fallen prey to his own despair-spiral.

Anyway...I can't remember if I had any more thoughts to elaborate on...this has been a very long post to say "it's important to remember that life sucks".

Welp after that wall of Sad Kana Hours I think I'm going to want ready access to previous shenanigans!Kana posts:

shenanigans!Kana toasts her former boss hot doctor at his wedding to her bff

shenanigans!Kana and Momiji are amazing I love them

#fruits basket #fb all #fb mine #fic: consider for AO3 #fb kana #anyway i'm rewatching and i hope to have energy to write down all the thoughts i have had for years and keep rehaving but have no time haha

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canary3d-obsessed · 4 years ago

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Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 16 part one

(Masterpost of All the Recaps) (Canary’s Pinboard)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes

All righty, this one is going to be a laff riot...not. Let's do it.

The first half of this episode is like a beautifully executed standalone tragedy, while also threading together all sorts of themes and paying off all sorts of relationship building that's happened in the previous episodes. My hat is off to the writers, while I also shake a fist at them for making me cry an unreasonable amount.

We’re Sailing on a Strange Boat

The episode starts right off absolutely DESTROYING me with the Yunmeng brothers holding hands, fingers interlaced, in the first of many hand-touching moments that punctuate the episode.

Jiang Cheng has to be pretty far gone to accept this degree of comfort and tenderness. I think, from their positions, he is also holding Yanli's hand out of the camera's view.

Zidian finally lets the trio go, and they immediately turn the boat around and head back to Lotus Pier. Wei Wuxian gets the clever idea to turn the benches into makeshift oars but nobody gets the clever idea to use magic to push the boat like they do literally every other time they are in a boat.

Their emotional need to go back to Lotus Pier is understandable, but they are being disobedient and irresponsible by doing it. Jiang Cheng is the future of the clan, and should not risk his life, particularly after his mother chose to sacrifice herself to protect him and after both of his parents told him to go hide with his sister and personal bodyguard brother.

On the other hand, Jiang Fengmian, as clan leader, probably had a duty to go into hiding himself rather than go home to die romantically, so his authority is questionable at this point. Anyway, this is the Jiang Clan, they get to kind of do what they want, except when that pisses Jiang Cheng off.

Lotus Pier Massacre

Back at Lotus Pier, the Wens are kicking Jiang ass. The fight choreography is pretty good, taking full advantage of walkways, railings, pools, and other features of the environment.

Using the set this way always makes fights feel more kinetic and real, as opposed to simply sparring in an open area.

(more after the cut)

Yu Ziyuan is fighting adequately with a sword, having given her preferred weapon to her son. She's clearly been at it for a while, and is tiring; the Wen soldiers are starting to land more and more sword blows but no critical hits yet.

Wen Zhuliu is kicking ass and possibly melting cores, although we don't see him do it to anybody yet. Later we'll hear from Jiang Cheng that he crushed the cores of his parents, but it's not clear when that happens.

Sixth young master replays Jiang Fengmian's entire archery lesson in his head while he waits, and waits, for Wen Zhuliu to finish strangling a dude the right moment to shoot an arrow at Wen Zhuliu.

Homicidal tart Wang Lingjiao notices him lining up a shot, strolls over, and stabs him in the back while he's still thinking about what Jiang Fengmian said. One could wish that JFM's archery lessons weren't quite so wordy.

Wang Linjao normally doesn't carry a sword because of her low spiritual power, but apparently can use one just fine when she's killing kids.

If you start feeling like this episode is unreasonably painful, just think of it as building up calluses so you can handle Yi City when the time comes.

Jiang Fengmian to the Rescue

Jiang Fengmian shows up very far past the nick of time, although he is not actually useful, so it's questionable whether arriving earlier would have helped. But his wife is glad to see him.

Netflix subtitles say that Jiang Fengmian calls Yu Ziyuan "My Lady!" which sounds courtly and romantic in English. His actual words are "San Niangzi" which hunxi-gullai breaks out here. I might render this as "lady wife!" rather than "my lady" but I don't think English really has a perfect equivalent.

Jiang Fengmian sails across the courtyard, knocking down a few Wen soldiers and becoming a young, slender man in the process.

I mean, come on, that stunt double does not look like a boxy middle-aged man from any angle.

The Dying Bit

The episode splits up the big death scene for dramatic effect but I'm recapping it all together to keep things simple.

Within moments of arriving, Jiang Fengmian gets shanked by Wen Zhuliu like Scatman Crothers in The Shining (or Groundskeeper Willie in The Shinning).

Wen Zhuliu stops a Wen soldier from finishing JFM off, just so that a different Wen soldier can deliver the killing blow from the back, which is kinda harsh. With all this spin-fighting there is probably not an implication of cowardice when someone dies from a stab in the back, but still. Too rude, Wen Zhuliu.

Yu Ziyuan sees Jiang Fengmian fall, and after having a moment of sorrow and despair, she stabs herself in the heart, falls down, crawls to him and interlaces her hand with his. He revives just enough to give her hand a squeeze and say "San Niangzi" one last time before dying.

She dies next, with a smile on her face at the end. The soundtrack plays that amazing "horribly emotional death scene" music that isn't one of the tracks available on the OST, argh. This same music appears at the end of Xue Yang's story.

Of the many things I love about the Untamed, the complexity of all the minor characters is possibly my favorite. These two people suck at parenting, and suck at being married, and ultimately suck at protecting and leading their clan, making stupid, selfish choices at every step of the building conflict.

And then they have this incredibly romantic death scene, in which they both face the inevitability of failure, and find comfort in failing together. Yet their death scene is totally in keeping with who we know them to be, and who they are to each other; the drama doesn't cheat by making them ideal lovers or great people at the end. But they have a great, great moment.

Jiang Yanli, waiting in the woods while her brothers are presumably running toward Lotus Pier, drops her lotus pendant, which is made of the loudest jade ever discovered, and it breaks with a crash.

Yanli, who is a well educated young lady, knows a moment of doomy symbolism when she sees it.

Jiang Yanli: Who put a giant rock out here in the woods? What are the odds I’d drop my pendant directly on it?

It’s all Over Except for the Crying, Running and Choking

The brothers climb up on the roof and are shocked to see nothing but Wen soldiers and piled up Jiang corpses...

...including one child who is either about to become a zombie or who is being played by a young actor who can't control their curiosity, judging by the way this eye is sneakily opened while the camera is running.

There's a moment where Jiang Cheng is saying they must have spared his parents, they must be okay, where Wei Wuxian's face is just...wow. You can see right here the gulf in life experience between these two.

Wen Zhuliu roams around looking troubled while searching for more people to kill. He’s an interesting villain; someone who believes his loyalty to his boss makes him a good guy, but knows his boss is a bad guy.

Then we are treated to a hell of a camera move, where it tracks over Yu Ziyuan and Jiang Fengmian together on the floor, heroic in death and still holding hands, and then sweeps up to show their killers sitting on the lotus throne.

The dead couple were at odds for their whole lives together, while the evil people who killed them are acting like devoted lovebirds. It's a stunning shot and a terrific thematic contrast. When Wei Wuxian eventually comes to take his vengeance, he will spend some time turning Wen Chao and Wang Lingjiao against each other, before ending them.

The camera shows us JC's reaction, then shows his mother, then WWX’s reaction, then JF; each reacting to the death of the person who loved them. Some folks may feel that Jiang Fengmian actually did love Jiang Cheng but was just bad at showing it. But Jiang Cheng doesn't think so, and I don't think it's a given that parents love their children.

Side note: Macroexpression king Wang Zhuocheng is able to open his eyes so far that a giant strip of white shows above his irises, and keep them like that, which is quite a trick. Try it yourself.

Meanwhile Wang Lingjiao and Wen Chao gossip about YZY and JFM's bad marriage. Wen Chao admires YZY's beauty, and Wang Lingjiao insults her character, and announces that she's going to stab YZY's body a few extra times. Jiang Cheng briefly faints at this, taking a page from Wei Wuxian's book, and rolls off the roof.

Run Run Away

Both young men run, and run, and run away from Lotus Pier while Wen Chao and Wang Lingjiao mistreat the bodies of Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan

The stabbing happens off camera, because it's ok to stab a live child on camera, but not a dead adult. (As always, there are cultural reasons for "what's ok" in any country, and I'm not saying anybody's wrong about these choices).

Wen Chao follows this up with pouring a cup of wine across their faces. He does this in the style of a libation for the dead, but as a desecration, combining mistreatment of bodies with profaning a ceremonial rite. In a world where ghosts are real and have sharp fingernails, this is deeply, deeply stupid.

Yu Ziyuan’s actress Zhang Jingtong is able to have liquid poured INTO HER EAR without flinching. Mad props.

The brothers eventually finish running and arrive in a field with an extreme purple photo filter on it. Which I've done my best to remove for these gifs, with variable results.

Jiang Cheng wants to turn around and go back to Lotus Pier. He says he wants to retrieve his parents’ bodies and to take revenge, but he's devastated and it seems likely he just wants to die with everyone else.

Wei Wuxian pleads with Jiang Cheng to calm down and stay safe, while Jiang Cheng gives himself over to anger and shock as the brothers shout at each other.

Punching and running ensues, and Wei Wuxian tries to hold his brother back, grabbing him around the shoulders him in a gesture that painfully echoes the many hugs he's given over the years.

This time Jiang Cheng doesn't just push him off. He turns around and chokes his brother for nearly a full minute, while screaming at him and blaming him.

Just as when Madame Yu beat him, Wei Wuxian doesn't fight back; he pulls on Jiang Cheng's wrists but doesn't hit him or try to break his hold.

Finally Jiang Cheng lets him go, and cries out for everyone he's lost, while Wei Wuxian weeps silently next to him. Eventually they fall asleep in the grass together, their bodies curled up in the form of a heart.

Damn, this episode really brings it.

Side Note: during their argument, Wei Wuxian says, among other things, that "revenge is a dish best served cold," according to subtitles. It's a French saying from the 1800s so it's probably not precisely what Wei Wuxian is saying. More importantly, as a longtime Star Trek fan I can't help but hear James Kirk yelling "KHAN!!!!!" whenever I encounter that phrase.

There’s Got To Be A Morning After

When they wake up in the morning, Jiang Cheng is still in his feelings, but now his feelings have moved along to despair, from anger.

I feel bad for noticing how handsome they both look in this scene. Let's all feel bad about this together.

Jiang Cheng is free to have this level of emotional breakdown because Wei Wuxian is there keeping his own shit together and focusing on what matters.

When Jiang Cheng refuses to get up, Wei Wuxian reminds him, very, very gently, that they have a sister, who has waited all night to know what happened.

At this, Jiang Cheng gets up, but won't look at Wei Wuxian, continuing to blame him for everybody else's actions, as he walks onward to find Yanli.

Wei Wuxian follows, hurt and bereft, as he gets to work internalizing everything that he's being accused of. This is good practice for his future as a widely reviled bogeyman.

Part two will be slightly less awful! Coming soon!

#fytheuntamed #the untamed #the untamed gifs #the untamed meta #wei wuxian #jiang cheng #restless rewatch the untamed #canary3d-original #my gifs #yu ziyuan #wen zhuliu #jiang fengmian

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celiastjms · 3 years ago

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Okay, here it goes. Episode Four of Scenes from a Marriage and it’s been less than 24hrs and I have rewatched the episode what, five times? Some scenes I’ve rewatched more than that :’) and I just??? That fucking show, these fucking characters??? Spoilers ahead, behold! — and this is long, I apologize in advance!!!!

One of the two major takeaways from the episode is that they are BOTH so incredibly awful to and for each other, and that they bring out the FUCKING WORST in each other. The sadest part is that they cannot be with but also not without one another even if it means hurting each other. And — and this is absolutely fucking tragic, the other major takeaway is that they STILL haven’t learned to communicate with each other. It’s been ( roughly ) FOUR FUCKING YEARS!!! ( In the first episode Mira is not yet 40, so she’s still 39 and now she is 43 and a half so give or take four years have passed since the first episode ) And yet all they kept constantly doing throught the episode was to ACCUSE the OTHER of not listening and not being able to communicate. Like they BOTH are aware of the issue but neither attempts to work through it??

Wow, just wow.

Those two are just, I don’t even have the words???

Like, where the fuck do I even start???

Mira already dragged her feet about the divorce in Episode Three, she wasn’t willing and ready then and maybe she hadn’t noticed the why yet but she wasn’t ready for a divorce then and she sure as hell isn’t ready now, even if she struggles to admit that out loud once prompted by Jonathan.

Again, Jonathan’s calculating and cold side jumped out. Like the scene, with them on the couch?? With Mira asking if he would be able to marry her again and then getting all quiet after her “ We’re fucked ”, like Jonathan KNEW that she still wanted him, he knew that when he invited her into his arms and she happily curled against him and he knew that when he started touching her. He was the initiator and he went quite aggressive about it ( which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, pretty sure it came as a welcome surprise to Mira though ), he knew she wanted him and he very much wanted her.

Mira asking him to stay after, to not immediately go, showing herself vulnerable and at the same time content in his arms, man that was a glimpse into their sex-life during their marriage ( that gets expanded later on but more on that in a second ). She knew he’d rush to get up, NOT because he regrets what they did but because he feels the need to clean himself — now I don’t know if this is rooted in his religious upbringing and something he simply cannot shake or if it’s something else but either way it must be a fucking awful feeling to have your partner rush to clean himself after you just had sex. No doubt humiliating too in a way, so no wonder she asked him to stay and I wonder how often she had done that before, you know to have that kind of soft intimacy?

Their marriage was broken in so many ways & aspects. I know we only got to see the tip of the iceberg but holy fuck.

Mira telling him she got fired, or, asked to resign and going back to explain that it was bound to happen after she didn’t take the promotion and Jonathan getting defensive IMMEDIATELY, to the point where she HAS TO tell him she isn’t blaming him and that this isn’t what it is about is such a perfect example of them STILL not having learned to communicate with each other. I have no fucking clue how they got through the settlement conversations if all they do is either hear what they want to hear or only hear half of what the other says and then interprete it in a completely different direction because they didn’t listen to the rest. Like, it has been ( give or take ) FOUR FUCKING YEARS and they still haven’t learned to communicate.

No wonder they never fucking sorted through any issue they had prior to Mira cheating on him and leaving him since they just don’t know how to fucking communicate.

Okay back to Mira telling Jonathan she has lost her job. It fucking sucks. I can see where she is coming from, she gave them their all, she put her marriage on the line, the relationship with her daughter and how did they thank her for it? By asking her to resign when she no longer gave them their all but took time to work on her relationships and spend time with her daughter.

It’s a bit of a tragedy, that she wanted it all and for a split second she had it, only for her to lose it all in the end. Losing her job drives the point home that she has officially lost everything. I mean, sure, Mira escaped from her marriage into her career, because in her career she didn’t feel the need to make herself small in an effort not to emasculate anyone, which is how she felt in her relationship with Jonathan and while losing the life she had with Jonathan was bearable, at first at least, she still had her job, she still had the security of that. The knowledge that she was good at what she did and needed there, but now she has lost that too and is watching her life spinning out of control. ( She’ll probs get a nice settlement and will still be well off but still, it stings ) It takes her a little while to admit but she felt like she was being replaced by someone younger, by someone more fun which is why she takes such offense later when Jonathan mentions that they’re older ( we’ll get to that ).

That no doubt hits hard and Jonathan takes THAT FUCKING MOMENT to tell her, no less than thirty minutes after they had sex, that he no longer feels anything for her? That he no longer cares? ( And later he even expects her to be happy for him? What the fuck man?? ) Like don’t get me wrong I understand where he comes from, because it is no doubt liberating to him to have reached that point — BUT fucking her to try and prove to himself he is okay without her? C’mon that’s a low fucking blow and to rub it in her face when she’s already on the ground isn’t much better.

I mean sure she asked, but what the fuck man?

It’s no fucking wonder that she lashes out. She’s hurt. He hurt her so she tries to hurt him in return. They truly do bring out the worst in each other. Also, I absolutely love that she calls him out, that she asks if he only fucked her to prove to himself he doesn’t love her anymore and the hilarious part is that Jonathan doesn’t even acknowledge it because he knows that she has a point.

She isn’t wrong when she calls him a narcissist and says he doesn’t give a fuck about how, what he says makes her feel. At the same time, I love that Jonathan has reached a point where he can meet Mira as an EQUAL — bc they both are fucking egocentric narcissists but also, because that is what she needs. Someone who is her equal, which I think Poli in many ways is, the fact that they’re fighting and going to couples counseling at least speaks for him being able to call her out on her BS which for the longest time Jonathan wasn’t able to ( but Poli isn’t Jonathan and he isn’t who Mira wants, yes yes we’ll get to that ) which is what I think he aims for when he tells her he has detached himself from her enough to still be able to enjoy her and her company but to no longer be as emotionally dependent as he once was. He just choses the wrong fucking moment??

It’s a given that Mira lashed out and tried to hurt him and she hit a fucking nerve, Jonathan wouldn’t have gone off the way he did, if she didn’t. I mean it fucking stings to be told that she wasn’t sexually fulfilled — as if he wouldn’t know that already since she cheated BUT STILL and that she felt the need to hide a part of herself and instead of acknowledging that and listening to what she says — or to communicate, how he chides her what, five minutes earlier? He goes on and talks right over her, aiming for the same topic but from a completely different angle.

They can’t fucking communicate.

And man, despite everything, Mira STILL can’t bring herself to sign the papers even though he told her pretty much directly that he no longer wants her?? It’s tragic that she realized now, where Jonathan is done, or claims to be at least, that she isn’t.

She NEVER was fully available to Poli, no matter how hard he tried and how much he wanted to have a relationship, a family with her because she was still too hung up on Jonathan, because she couldn’t let him go, because even though she cannot be with him, she cannot be without him. The worst part is that she realized that she rather holds on to Jonathan than to try and build a family with Poli when she went to couples counseling with him. When she did with Poli what Jonathan asked her to do before she grabbed her things and ran.

And all that Jonathan WANTS to hear is that because she got dumped ( and lost her job ) she comes back running to him. Which is not the fucking case, she says that Poli took longer to accept that the relationship was over. If anything, Mira left him and she left him because she rather gives up on a future with Poli than giving on Jonathan. And it’s sad that, she is honest and vulnerable in that moment because she truly opens up and reveals something of herself and all he chooses to hear ( which is understandable considering where they stand BUT STILL ) is that she got dumped and chooses to come running back to him when she has wanted to come back to him this entire time but she’d been too blind to see it or acknowledge it— even though IT WAS OBVIOUS as fuck. I mean she even tells him that she has zero desire for a fresh start, that she wants what she used to have and I don’t think she would want her job back and would want to live in the marriage the way they did before she cheated but she wants back what she and Jonathan once had, because she still loves him and she knows he still loves her.

Jonathan pushing Mira right after they had sex to sign the settlement drives home the point that he is seemingly done. You know, one last fuck, a nice dinner and that’s it. When in truth he pushes her to sign the papers because he tries to convince HIMSELF that it’s for the better. I mean he tells her he is ready to tear the settlement up instead of signing them, but at the same time he knows they need to sign it because at the point they’re at right now, they would no doubt destroy each other would they go back to each other.

What I thought was interesint, was that he signed the papers only after Mira did, which I thought the entire time he had already done and that he was only waiting for her to do the same. Funny, that he pushed her to do something he hadn’t done himself yet, right? Looks like Mira isn’t the only one still hung up on what they once had.

And god, when he tells her he wants another child and that he is thinking about doing it without the attachment of a relationship and Mira asks if he thought that she might want to give him another child?? Like?? Girl why would he? Why would he even consider you? I understand fully why he didn’t but I get too why she asked because SHE IS still very much hung up on Jonathan, she had just made that much clear with telling him she chose him over Poli and the fact that she is ready, in a heartbeat, to give him another child, which is what she had denied Poli just underlines that??

And then she takes offense when he points out that they aren’t young anymore because she takes it as an insult ( considering the day she had I understand that though ) and because the concept of HIM having a child WITHOUT HER whether or not a romantic relationship is involved is one she doesn’t like one fucking bit, which is why she lashes out the way she does.

They bring out the absolute fucking worst in each other and yet they can’t get away from one another. Can’t be without each other.

I’m not saying that they’re prone to violence, but Jonathan had manhandled her before, when he wouldn’t let her pack her own suit case and pushed her away. They truly bring out the worst in each other. Neither Mira’s nor Jonathan’s actions here are excusable. They BOTH are just fucking awful and they reach their breaking point in that moment. And it’s awful and it’s painful, and they still love one another, which is the worst fucking part.

Like when Jonathan leaves, he for a moment looks ready to turn around and go back, to not have things end that way. Even now, even after that, they still cannot let go of each other. They can’t with and they can’t without each other.

Jessica and Oscar delivered again. I have no fucking words. Their skill and talent is unmatched. That last scene broke me and knowing it was them without a stunt coordinator hits even harder because they just fucking went for it?? And delivered this?? My heart is still bleeding.

HONESTLY, there is so much more that I could say but this already got super long hdhfjdkskdhf ( I’m sorry!! ) I’ll probs make another post soon because I got so many thoughts BUT STILL. What the fuck was that episode??? It feels so final?? So, well and truly over that I have absolutely no fucking clue what to expect from the next and actual final episode?? I just know that I need it NOW even though I’m terrified as fuck.

#scenes from a marriage spoiler #scenes from a marriage #sfam #jessica chastain #oscar isaac #ʙᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪs ɴᴏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʟᴇғᴛ ᴛᴏ sᴀʏ — sfam meta #ɪ sᴇᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴏᴛ ᴍᴇss ᴀɴᴅ ʀᴀɪsᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀ ᴅɪsᴀsᴛᴇʀ ʟᴇsʙɪᴀɴ — out #I'm sorry this got so fucking long #hence the read more fhgjfjks

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softyoongiionly · 5 years ago

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Can I Make a Mess Now?

Jungkook’s never had sex before but, after realizing that he’s falling in love with you, he thinks he wants that to change.

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Virgin! Jungkook, established relationship au, college au, smut, fluff.

Word Count: 4.8k

A/N: This is a part 2 to Will You Make a Mess Now? Please please please let me know what you think! Love you

Warnings: smut, language, 18+ only please.

Winter break never lasts long enough does it?

A few short weeks of bliss and then-

BOOM.

You’re forced out of the warm and lazy cocoon of holiday spirit and, back into the rigidity of modern education.

It’s not that you don’t enjoy your studies, it’s just that after nearly four years of exams and, group projects that never go exactly as planned; you are starting to feel burnt out.

It also doesn’t help that you spent the majority of your winter break sleeping over at your boyfriends house.

You got used to the weight of his head on your chest.

You got used to running your fingers through his hair; an act that lulled both of you to sleep.

You got used to waking up beside him every morning.

When the semester started once again, the two of you agreed that you’d reserve overnight stays to weekends only.

As encouraging as you were of each other’s success, copious amounts of alone time is a (delightful) distraction.

Especially since the two of you began exploring the boundaries of your relationship.

At the beginning of winter break, Jungkook had revealed to you that not only was he a virgin but, he’s never been touched before.

After a bit of discussion, he decided that he wanted you to change that.

And boy did you…

You still can’t get the images of him falling apart beneath the firm grasp of your hand out of your head.

It’s arguably one of the best things you’ve ever seen.

Jungkook’s room became the safe haven for exploration.

Many cold nights were spent underneath his duvet, touching on each other until things eventually got heated enough for you to take turns making eachother cum.

Happy Holidays indeed.

There was one night in particular that things got a little out of hand.

In the heat of the moment, Jungkook had torn off your t-shirt, leaving the two of you to make out in your underwear.

He positioned you on his lap with a low whine in his throat and, at the feeling of your heat pressing directly into his dick; he almost lost it right then and there.

It took everything in him to keep his hands steady.

To keep them from ripping your panties off…

However, he succeeded and although, it was painful to slow things down, he knew it was the right thing to do.

The only problem is, that night increased his desire to a level he’s never felt before.

He knows he wants you to be his first but; he’s so particular and, so sensitive to his surroundings that he wants to make sure everything is perfect.

Perfection is a concept he frequently struggles with and, although he’s lessened his standards over the years, he still finds himself reverting back to his old habits.

Losing his virginity is a big deal for him.

He can’t help that.

And because it carries so much weight, he feels the need to hold off until the moment is 100% right.

But, how does he define such a thing?

He knows he wants you.

He knows you want him.

He knows he’s falling in love with you…

So, how is a perfect moment established?

Can you plan it?

Jungkook doesn’t know but, he’s starting to believe that he can’t.

His brothers don’t understand his issues.

Seokjin’s been with his girlfriend for two years and, every time she comes to visit, he can hear her moaning through his bedroom door.

An event that continuously scars him.

Namjoon is engrossed in his studies so, he doesn’t make time for relationships.

But one time, when he was looking for his laptop, Jungkook walked in on him getting his dick sucked.

He’s still never gotten that image out of his head.

Hoseok literally attended an orgy two months ago.

Jimin’s dating his childhood sweetheart.

Taehyung stays over at the sorority house at least twice a week.

And, last but not least, Yoongi frequently walks around sporting various love bites and scratch marks after a night with his girlfriend.

Jungkook’s spoken with his hyungs’ regarding sex a few times but, it’s never a conversation he initiates.

He’s far too shy to openly speak about these things.

But from what he’s gathered, sex is top notch.

None of his brothers could think of anything that feels as good, although Yoongi did cite sleeping as a close second.

After a long week of lectures and tedious lab work, Jungkook has finally decided that he wants to lose his virginity.

Or at least…he’s ready to talk about it…

He starts off guns a blazing: he sends you a text trying to appear nonchalant despite the fact that his heart is currently pounding in his chest.

Jungkook: do you want to come over tonight?

Jungkook: there’s a new season of that anime we started watching :)

His message does the same bit of damage on your heart because, although you two have been dating for quite some time, you still get excited at the thought of seeing him.

You: plzzz

You: this first week has killed me

You: I need to relax so bad

You: my brain cell count has dropped to dangerously low amount.

Jungkook chuckles to himself, shaking his head at your response.

Jungkook: wow

Jungkook: lower than normal???

Jungkook: that’s pretty bad jagi :/

You giggle, already gathering your toothbrush and, various other items needed for an overnight stay.

You: I know

You: it’s a tragedy : (

Despite the playful banter between the two of you, Jungkook is furiously moving around his room, cleaning every inch of it.

He’s dusting the shelves, vacuuming his floor, rearranging his figurines on his desk.

He feels like a mad man…

Jungkook: lol you’re ridiculous

Jungkook: you can come over around 7 if you’re ready; I’m just finishing up an assignment.

Jungkook: miss you <3

Your boyfriend is literally sour patch kid.

You: miss you too

You: falling asleep without you sucks

You: 10/10 would not recommend

Jungkook smiles, gripping his phone in his hand, a flurry of emotions stirring in his stomach.

Jesus, he really likes you…

Jungkook: stay the night then

Jungkook: I’ll make sure you sleep better tonight

He feels proud of himself.

He initiated you coming over, he’s holding a playful/flirty conversation with you, and he’s totally not freaking out at the fact that he’s going to have to tell you he’s ready to have sex.

Right?

Okay, the last part is definitely a lie but he’s just gonna go with it.

You: on my way :)

Jungkook receives this text from you roughly two hours later when he’s getting out of the shower.

He deep cleaned his bedroom, put fresh bedding on his mattress, scrubbed every inch of his body and, now he was standing in front of the mirror with nothing but a towel on his hips.

He takes time slathering lotion all over his skin, hoping that you like the vanilla-honey scent before applying a copious amount of deodorant.

He shaved in the shower, taking his time to remove the bit of hair around his crotch because it makes him feel cleaner.

Jungkook’s hair is getting longer too so, he’s been putting leave in conditioner on his ends to keep them healthy and spritzing his hair with anti-frizz serum.

After roughly 20 minutes of primping, he gets another text from you as he’s pulling on his sweat pants.

You: Here <333

Jungkook feels his stomach twist whilst reading your message.

Here goes nothing…

You’re standing outside the door of Jungkook’s house, dressed in a hoodie and a pair of leggings.

Comfy works out for you because, it requires minimal effort and, it’s also your boyfriend’s favorite look on you.

So, it’s a win win.

Given the fact that you and Jungkook usually end up fooling around, you took the time to exfoliate and shave whilst you were in the shower.

You may have also worn a new lacy red bra that had arrived in the mail earlier that day…

But, who knows?

“Yahhh there she is…”

You instantly light up as Jungkook eagerly swings open his front door, quickly pulling you into his grasp.

He smells amazing but, he feels even better and, you waste no time in pulling him close to you.

“I missed you.” You mutter into his hair

He grins, hugging you a bit tighter and, ushering you inside, “Missed you too, are you cold at all?”

Stepping through the threshold of his door, you notice that he’s freshly showered himself, his hair is damp and stringy but, it frames his face perfectly

“A little bit but, I plan on using you for warmth really soon so, I’m good.”

His hand is intertwined with yours as he leads you up to his room and, his face lights up with a smile.

“I got a new duvet on Tuesday, it’s really warm but,” He places a hand on his chest. “,you can still use me though, I missed having you here.”

Jungkook mutters the last half of his sentence, his cheeks warming up at his confession before he pushes open the bedroom door.

You don’t comment on his shyness but, it makes you smile and lean into him a little more.

His room is always clean but, the fresh scent of his disinfectant spray is slightly more pungent than normal. It isn’t a harsh smell; it’s a soft lavender cleaner that he special orders from Korea.

He absolutely hates the scent of bleach.

“It’s a nice color huh?”

Jungkook gestures to the muted grey of his new bedding, which is carefully placed over his mattress.

“I love it, it’s very you.” You smile as your eyes scan the room, “it matches your furniture really well too.”

His eyes light up, “Yeah, yeah that’s why I got it. I knew it would look good with the- um the desk and the dresser and stuff. See, I knew you’d notice that…you always notice things like that.”

Before you can respond he’s speaking again, his tone slightly uneven, “Um do you want to lay down? I know you said you were cold. I can hold you if you want-“ He grimaces at his word choice, not fully understanding why his nerves are taking over already, “not that I don’t want to or anything. I do, I just…I know you’re cold.”

You touch your hand to his cheek, bringing his wandering eyes back to yours, “Are you ok?”

Jungkook swallows, his eyes locking with yours, “Y-Yeah, I just don’t want you to be cold…”

You’re not convinced.

Although the two of you have only been together for 6 months, you like to think you’ve gotten to know Jungkook really well. He isn’t exactly a closed book and, when he’s nervous about something, it’s fairly obvious.

“Are you suuuure?”

The question is paired with a soft kiss to his lips and, Jungkook can’t help but smile when you do, his posture relaxing slightly.

“I’m sure, I’m just happy you’re here. It was weird not seeing you all week.” He tucks a stray hair behind your ear before, pecking your lips.

Again, you’re not convinced but, you don’t want to pry.

He’ll tell you when he’s ready.

The matter of his worries is dropped and, Jungkook quickly (and neatly) pulls back the covers so, that the two of you can slip underneath them.

Moments later, you’re nestled against your boyfriend’s side, draping your arm over your stomach.

“You smell good…” You mutter against his sweater, nuzzling gently against the material.

Jungkook grins triumphantly, silently patting himself on the back for his choice of lotion.

“Thank you,” His chest vibrates with the sound of his voice, “so do you…”

With that, he tentatively raises a hand towards your hair, allowing his fingertips to brush over the top of your head.

The anime begins playing but, you’re more focused on the way his fingers feel, as you melt into the soft fabric of his sweatshirt.

And halfway through the first episode, Jungkook’s motions are beginning to take a toll on you.

But not in the way you’d normally expect…

He’s smiling softly, admiring the way you sigh at his touch, taking time to play with the ends of your hair before massaging gently at your scalp.

“You’re going to make me sleepy…” You mumble contently, a few minutes later and, Jungkook chuckles breathlessly beneath you.

“That’s ok; you can sleep if you need to.”

He means it.

Jungkook had other things on his agenda but, now that you’re here, all he cares about is your comfort.

“Don’t wanna sleep-“ You nudge your nose against his ribcage, “I missed you.”

With another chuckle, he traces his fingers over the edges of your hairline, brushing over the shell of your ear.

You can feel goosebumps rising on your skin but, it’s not intrusive or sudden, they come on slowly along with a type of comfort that only Jungkook can provide.

“I’ll be here when you wake up.” He soothes, his motions continuing over the arches of your brows before, he traces back up the expanse of your forehead. “I promise.”

You can feel yourself smile as your blinking slows, taking another deep breath whilst your body seems to melt into him.

The heaviness in your eyelids is growing despite your best efforts to warrant off your exhaustion.

You didn’t want to nap, you wanted to spend time with your boyfriend but, when he tucks his fingers beneath your hair and, begins scratching gently on your scalp, the threat of sleep becomes more prominent.

“Sleepy girl…” He teases, a fond smile on his lips as he watches your eyes finally close. His thumb brushes over your cheek, gently pinching at the skin before, returning his hand to your hair.

This warms you from the inside out and, sooner or later you can’t help but, drift off into a light sleep.

Jungkook smile grows and, he slows his movements to a stop before tugging on the duvet until it covers your shoulders.

He decides in that moment that he really wouldn’t mind spending every night just like this; tucked under the covers, falling asleep in eachother’s arms.

He changes the show to something you’ve already seen; he doesn’t want to watch the anime without you.

After some time has passed, you slowly come out of your slumber, happy you’re still laying on your boyfriend’s chest.

You peer up at Jungkook to see his brow furrowed in concentration as his gaze is locked firmly on the screen.

A smile immediately finds it’s way onto your lips, your finger reaching out to bop him on the nose.

He jumps at first, not understanding the source of the interruption before he quickly matches your smile, ““Yah she’s awake. Did you have a good nap?” He thumbs over your cheek once more and, you’re overcome by the urge to press a kiss against his lips

He’s willing and able to accept it.

His hands come up to hold you against him and, he slowly begins to move his lips against yours

“Mhm...”

His nose wrinkles with the joy on his face as he presses more kisses to your lips.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep, I just haven’t been getting to bed on time this week...”

An adorable pout comes over his mouth, “Don’t be sorry, I’m glad you were able to get some rest. It’s not late or anything.”

It’s well past sunset but, Jungkook’s vanilla cake candle is providing enough light to illuminate the details of your boyfriends face.

You kiss him again, just because he’s cute and you can, “What did you do while I was out?”

His head reclines against his pillow again but, he tugs you closer, ensuring that you remain against him.

“I watched a few episodes of Naruto...” He admits, “I’ve seen it a million times but, I never get tired of it.”

Your arms drape over his shoulders as the upper half of your body rests over his chest. The wispy ends of his black hair are too cute to resist so you absentmindedly toy with them as you respond,

“I get it, I have a few different shows that I’m like that with; I swear I’ve seen The Office so many times I could quote it in my sleep.”

A half smirk curves on the end of his mouth, “Yeah that’s a good one too, Jin hyung watches that show all the time.”

You giggle, tucking a bit of hair behind his ear, “Ah that explains a lot actually, Jin and Michael Scott have a lot in common.”

He chuckles at that, nodding in agreement, leaning his head against your hand.

“Which character do you think you are?”

You purse your lips, mulling it over, your eyes narrowing in thought, “Hmmm that’s a tough one cause like- I wanna say Kelly because, she’s amazing but in reality, I’m probably more of a Kevin.”

Jungkook’s smirk grows, “Isn’t that the guy who dropped his chili all over the place?

With a dramatic sigh, you nod, “God, I’ve never related to anyone more in my entire life...”

A full belly laugh comes from your boyfriends pretty mouth, his body trembling beneath you as he shakes his head.

It’s one of your favorite sounds, especially when it gets all high pitched like it is now.

“Jagi you aren’t Kevin...” He insists, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, “You are cooler than him.”

“You’re just saying that because you see the best side of me; in reality I am 100% Kevin.” You giggle, tucking more hair behind his other ear.

He still chuckles, shaking his head before nodding to you, “Who do you think I am?”

This definitely gets your brain going.

“I’m leaning towards Jim, you guys have a lot in common.” You nod as you continue to think about their similarities, “Yeah, you both have the same sense of humor and, even though you’re more sexy in an obvious way, you both have the same kind of sexiness?? If that makes sense?? But, you’re definitely hotter than Jim.”

You force your train of thought away from the office- style fantasy that pops into your head as Jungkook feels something stir deep in his gut.

“You think I’m sexy?”

You can’t help but laugh at the surprised look on his face, you swear you’ll never understand how Jungkook doesn’t see how hot he is.

“Duh.” You seal your response with a kiss but, Jungkook surprises you by sitting up and tugging you onto his lap.

He chuckles at the squeal that leaves your lips but, he carries on kissing you, his hands sliding up your outer thighs.

You don’t know what prompts his motions but, you’re not really in the mood to ask.

You’d much rather sit on your boyfriend’s lap and, make out with him.

“Can you-” He whispers against your lips, slightly breathless, “Can you say it?”

Your eyes flutter open to catch the shyness in his, “Can I say what?”

Warmth floods the apples of his cheeks, “Can you say that you think I’m sexy?”

A smirk teases the corners of your mouth and, tentatively you roll your hips against his.

“Are you trying to get hard Jungkook?”

You can hear him gulp, his eyes widening a bit before he nods.

With a smirk still on your lips, you tilt his head back, moving your fingers through his hair as you slowly begin placing kisses up the side of his neck.

His breathing picks up and, god help him, he immediately feels his dick hardening in his sweats.

Jungkook’s neck is a sensitive area and, you know exactly where his weak spots are.

As you reach the lobe of his ear, you feel his grip tighten on your hips, his mouth parted slightly to make way for his shaky breath.

“Jungkook?” You whisper in his ear, biting your lip as you see him visibly shiver beneath you.

“Yeah?”

“I think you’re sexy.”

You nibble on his ear before quickly reuniting your lips, your hands sliding underneath his sweater.

His skin is so soft, so warm beneath your fingertips and, there is a large part of you that wishes you could spend hours just touching and kissing your boyfriend’s body.

Jungkook is eagerly reciprocating your kiss whilst his hands slowly move back up the outsides of your thighs.

His plan to get hard definitely worked because, you can feel him poking against your hips and, you’re already thinking of all the different ways you can make him cum.

“Did you get hard for me?” You whisper against his swollen lips, nudging his nose

Instantly he nods, his hands tugging the hem of your hoodie.

You take the hint, pulling back from him in order to remove it.

Your plan is to continue kissing him of course but, as Jungkook spots the fire-red lace cups supporting the swells of your breasts, he lets out a tortured sigh.

“Is that new?” He swallows thickly, biting his bottom lip, allowing his hands to trail up your hips before securing themselves against your waist.

All you do is nod, sticking your chest out a bit and, encouraging him to keep touching you.

Jungkook leans in, dragging the tip of his nose between your breasts, inhaling when he reaches the space between your color bones.

“Did you wear this for me?”

His voice is ragged but, it’s deeper than normal, due to the arousal coating his tone.

“I wanted to look pretty for you.” You whisper, running your fingers through his hair.

You can feel him smile against your chest, his wet lips trailing back to tops of the bra, “You’re always pretty but this-” He grows bolder, biting softly at your breast, “this is torture”

A giggle bubbles past your lips, as you roll down against him once more.

“Jagi I-” The sensation of pleasure that toys with his body acts like a truth serum and, in an act of desperation that he definitely didn’t plan, a confession tumbles from his mouth, “I want you.”

But you don’t quite catch his drift, still rocking slowly against him, arousal slowly beginning to unravel you, “I want you too.”

No like,” He pulls away, his eyes glazed over with desire as they lock onto yours, “I want to be inside of you...”

It’s like a punch to the gut really, the way your boyfriend’s voice seems to quake under the weight of his admission.

You cup his cheek, “Really? Are you sure?”

He nods eagerly, licking his lips before turning to press a kiss to the inside of your wrist, “I want you so bad...”

You’re quick to capture his lips then, kissing into him with more fervor than you ever have.

"Can you do it for us Noona?” He croons into your mouth, his eyes darkened with lust as they plead with yours.

A nod is all you can manage at his devasting way of asking you to ride him.

For the first time...

You’re pulling off his sweater, securing your lips to his once more, kissing on them as you lean him back against the pillows.

Your bottoms are removed, leaving you completely naked as you tug his sweats down his legs.

Jungkook’s erection looks painful and, you feel yourself ache at the thought of finally being able to sit on it.

As you sit astride him once more, you lean down to press a kiss between his eyes before trailing your lips down the bridge of his nose to hover over his mouth.

He looks a little emotional, staring up at you as if you hung the moon just for him.

And you would, you’d do anything for him.

“Are you ready baby?” You whisper

He takes a deep and unstable breath through his nose but, gives you a nod anyway as he exhales through his mouth.

Right as you start lining him up with your entrance, Jungkook cups your cheek, his hand clammed up due to his nerves.

“Jagi?” He croaks

You kiss his hand gently, reassurance in your eyes, “Yeah?”

“G-Go slow please...”

You nod, “Of course, tell me if you want to stop at any point ok?”

He returns your nod before, letting out another breath as his head returns to his pillows.

Slowly but surely, you begin sheathing him in your heat, going as slow as possible so he can feel everything.

His body seems to freeze as you sink down on him, his hands tightening on your hips before a gasp leaves his throat.

Jungkook is quite sure he’s in heaven.

That’s the only explanation for the intense feelings of pleasure swimming through his body. He’s never felt anything so hot, so tight-

So fucking good.

He’s going to lose his mind.

With wide eyes, he stares up at you in awe, his lips parted as the length of his dick is fully inside of you.

You’re not fairing too well either because, Jungkook fills you up perfectly, nudging against the spot within you that makes your head spin.

“Is that ok?”

“ ‘ss so good...” His voice is slurred as his hips jerk beneath you, sending a wave of pleasure through your core.

Biting your lip, you thumb his cheek, trying to hold it together, “Can I ride you now?”

You’re asking because, you want to make sure he’s prepared.

You know this isn’t going to last long but, you still want to blow his mind.

“I’m already so close jagi...I’m sorry...” He chokes on the end of his sentence when you start a pace on his dick, “Oh fu- oh my god...”

“Shh...don’t be sorry, you’re doing so good. You cum whenever you need to ok?”

“Ah- Y/N...”

His beautiful features are screwed up in pleasure, his hands falling off your hips because, he literally doesn’t have the strength to hold on at this point.

Jungkook’s breathing is growing rapid, as his eyes flit to where you’re connected, “Jagi I’m- I’m really inside...I’m really inside of you...” He marvels, his voice weak with emotion as his hips begin to meet yours.

“You feel so good inside of me.” You assure him, increasing your pace which prompts his eyes to roll back momentarily.

“Will you kiss me? Please? I wanna kiss you when I cum...and I’m-” His eyes re-focus but, it doesn’t last long as you lean forward to brace your hands on either side of his head, “Jagi I’m gonna cum already...I’m gonna cum so hard. Oh sh- shit...”

You want every wish of his to come true.

You lean down to connect your lips, your hips moving faster and faster, wanting him to cum harder than he ever has in his entire life.

He whimpers into your mouth as his sweaty hands hold you tightly against his body.

“It’s...fuck I’m sorry, I’m sor- I'm cumming.” He chokes out, his grip tightening intensely as his hips weakly jerk with the force of his release.

He says your name as he cums inside of you, trying his best to kiss you properly but, it’s wet and sloppy.

You don’t care though, you ride him through his orgasm, keeping your lips connected.

“There you go, cum for me baby...” You coo, kissing all over his face as the pleasure continues to wrack his senses.

Jungkook knows his never cum harder in his life and, by the time his orgasm settles down, he’s properly spent.

He doesn’t completely register the feeling of you sliding off of him as his whole body is alight with tingles.

You make sure to clean him up, pressing gentle kisses to his stomach as you do.

You didn’t cum this time and, to be honest, it doesn’t really matter.

What you’ve both just experienced was too intimate to measure and, orgasms weren’t really the point this time.

Tucking into your boyfriend’s body you bring him close, tugging the duvet over his shoulders this time...

“Hi” He whispers, tucking his face shyly into your neck, his breathing not fully recovered.

“Hi you...”

With a smile on your mouth, you press a kiss to his head, holding him tightly to you.

He kisses your chest, feeling ridiculous at how shy he suddenly feels, “I think-” He stops himself to peek up at you, a bit of moisture in his eyes, “I think I’m falling for you.”

Your heart throbs at his confession, kissing his lips once more before whispering, “I think I am too.”

Jungkook knows you didn’t finish and, he plans on addressing that when he settles down but right now, all he can do is hold you.

He thinks he’s finally figured it out:

You can’t plan a perfect moment because, perfection just doesn’t exist.

But as along as he’s with you, it doesn’t really matter.

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astoldbygingersnaps · 3 years ago

Text

Harper’s 2021 Fic Wrap-Up

[sighs]

in some ways i’ve been Dreading making this post because my output this year is just

so much less than the previous year, and it’s lowkey depressing to see that reflected in words and numbers.

for all that 2020 was weird and messy and horrible, 2021 was easily a much worse year for me, and frankly one of the worst years of my life thus far. i’ve made references both on here and on twitter to why the year sucked so much ass and why i spent so much time away from social media and writing, but suffice to say a lot of factors contributed to me being The Ghost of Fanfiction past this year.

still! even though writing was hella difficult for me, i at least managed to turn a few things out this year, so let’s talk about them!

projects i worked on/completed in 2021:

lovers alone wear sunlight (shiita; 70,450 words; in progress):

on the one hand, it’s a fucking tragedy that after all the work i did last year i only produced one (1) chapter of star trek au, on the other hand, if i had to produce a single chapter of this fic in twelve months, i’m glad it was this one.

overall, i’m a lot less happy with LAWS than i was with the first two parts of star trek au, but i think that’s because this section of the story is so crucial and everything i’ve been building up to since day one so i feel like i’m kinda choking under the pressure.

THAT SAID, i AM happy about how 3.3 came out and i’m glad that (almost) all of the cats are out of the bag. the truth is i’ve been waiting to write the confession scene between shisui and itachi for AGES, and it was both freeing and terrifying to rip that bandage off because i knew after this chapter things would never be the same. after danzogate we’re never going back to the comfortable mission of the week formula filled with wacky interactions with the crew and flirty, will-they won’t-they? banter between itachi and shisui that peaked in parts one and two. and, i’m sad to say it, but in the backend of part three things are only going to get Worse, my loves. whoops!

HOWEVER, i also feel Incredibly satisfied comparing this chapter to the very first chapter of SBTTS, and seeing a) how much these characters have changed and b) how believable i feel like that journey has been. we’ve watched itachi go from an overly logical, pissy, stick-in-the mud fighting with his own nature to someone who, while conflicted, has found a way to make the two very different halves of himself far more cohesive. (whether this mindset will stick around after the events of the next few chapters of LAWS, well.. we’ll see!)

meanwhile, shisui has gone from someone who, while a genuinely good person and a good leader, has let his flaws and fears take the wheel and has made some... um... interesting! choices! as a result! and said choices have pushed that deeply buried darker side to him that we first saw in the confrontation scene with kabuto in part two closer and closer to the surface. with that in mind, maybe don’t be too surprised if our boy goes just a liiiittle off the rails post-danzonapping...

wow that was stupid long, but hey. i’ll always find a million and one words to say about my beloved star trek au. more than anything, i’m excited to get this story back on track and bring part three to its very explosive close, so stay tuned!

lazarus taxon (shiita; alternate universe; 22,315 words; in progress):

oh how i love this silly little fic. the funny thing is i originally came up with this idea for an entirely different ship and fandom YEARS ago, but i was never able to use it because said fandom went completely nuclear and was unfuckingtouchable (no, i won’t name names.) still, i loved it so much i was determined to find a way to reuse it, and considering i could find a way to turn a paper bag into a shiita au it was only inevitable we’d end up here.

more than anything, i love how fun this fic is. i love itachi as a cold, cynical businessman with a very deeply hidden heart of gold and enough daddy issues to fill a mosasaurus’ stomach and shisui as his manic pixie dream paleontologist one night stand. and, it was also a great opportunity to show off two of my biggest passions: dinosaurs and animal behavior. frankly, the levels of self-indulgent content in this fic are Unreal.

as always, it’s a delight to write a less depressed, less traumatized version of itachi and see what kind of person he could be if he was just a weird little man with a dad who’s mean to him instead of y’know. a child soldier manipulated into committing genocide. meanwhile, it’s been a blast to peel back the layers of shisui as a character, and go from presenting him as this handsome, morally righteous man of mystery who shows up in itachi’s life to challenge his beliefs and push him to be a better version of himself to seeing the person he actually is.

the last chapter of this fic is like. halfway finished, but to be honest i’m not super happy about the plot beats and the pacing, so i might end up scrapping a good chunk of it. either way, i’m excited to bring this story to its conclusion and my goal is to have it finished by the end of the year, so we shall see what happens.

take my hand, wreck my plans (shiita; canon divergence; 19,517 words; completed):

confession: in some ways, i kind of hate this fic.

don’t get me wrong: i think it’s one of the better things i’ve written technically as the character/relationship progression is solid, the dialogue is solid, and i feel like it flowed really well. but also, there’s a not nice part of me that resents the fact that of all the things i’ve written, THIS is the fic that’s blown up when there are other projects i’ve put more work into that have gotten a lot less attention. and i hate to say that because i don’t want to be ungrateful, because i truly do cherish the comments and feedback, but it’s hard not to be a little bitter seeing other works of mine that i feel are more deserving flop.

ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE, i do love the way itachi and shisui’s relationship came through in this fic. it was a nice change of pace to take things back to canon and imagine the better future they could have had (and deserved!). and by working in a canon setting, it made the transition of a friends-with-benefits situation more believable to me because i think their friendship is genuinely one of the most compelling aspects of them as a ship.

i also really like the potential of this setting and how in the moment where this story takes place both itachi and shisui are in a transitional period. they’re both growing up in a world where neither one of them really expected to live that long and dealing with what that means for them. for itachi, that’s moving towards a goal that previously seemed impossible (i.e., becoming the hokage), and for shisui that’s realizing he needs to get his shit together and stop hiding from the things he really wants (i.e., the cagey settling down conversation he had with itachi).

also... the sex. i’ve said before i’m not a person that writes a lot of sex, but this fic definitely helped me get more comfortable working it into my writing.

i’ve gone back and forth about whether or not i’d want to add anything else to this ‘verse. while i’d certainly be interested in exploring what a hokage itachi would look like in this au and how that would affect shisui and itachi’s relationship, there’s also something deeply appealing in having a project that’s actually finished. so, i’ll never say no to a sequel, but maybe don’t hold your breath waiting for one.

pack up (don’t stray) (shiita; alternate universe; 4,967 words; in progress):

seguing into what may be my favorite thing i wrote this year! i have to say i am sad that band au hasn’t gotten a lot of attention, especially because it was born from a period where i was really creatively struggling and really excited to share something i was genuinely inspired by, but what can you do.

in a lot of ways, this fic came to life because i was experiencing a lot of super intense and negative emotions and a bunch of stresses were piling up at once and i needed a place to put all the ugliness. but! it also came, like most of my fic ideas, from a shitpost alexa and i exchanged via text message that rapidly spiraled out of control.

mostly i was feeling like i was in a rut and like i was writing a lot of the same interactions and dynamics, so i wanted to take two characters i’ve worked with a lot and use them in a very different fashion than i usually do. in some ways it was weirdly nerve-wracking to intentionally write itachi and shisui, characters i genuinely love, in a way that was so unflattering and at times deeply ugly, but it was a good challenge.

birk put it best by saying the tragedy of band au is that it’s just the story of two adults growing up and growing away from each other. the most important thing for me was that even though this was a story in itachi’s pov, i never wanted things to be one-sided or for there to be a villain, because i do feel like at the end of the day they’re both responsible for the demolition of this relationship (and, if you’ve read the previews for chapter two you’ll know that itachi is handling their breakup, um. poorly)

(if you ask alexa tho she’s Team Itachi and shisui can die in a fire in this fic)

(lowkey i’m Team Shisui but we don’t need to talk about it!)

anyway, i really deeply love this fic. i think it has some of the best writing i’ve ever produced and there are lines that to this day still kind of suckerpunch me in the heart if i think about them too hard. i won’t lie, the reception has dimmed some of my original interest in this fic, but it’s definitely still an active wip.

goals i have for 2022:

to be frank, i’m in a not cute place with a lot of things in my life and with writing in particular, so i don’t want to make a lot of huge goals and then feel crappy about not accomplishing them

that said, since the second chapter of atonement au is a scene and a half away from being finished, i think it’s a safe bet it’ll be done soon-ish.

the second chapter of band au is about 40-50% finished, so you should expect that by the end of the year.

jurassic world au is... well, we’ll get there.

to save the best for last, my love and light, star trek au. so help me god, if i don’t publish a chapter for her this year, it’s all over.

and that’s it! i wish i could feel as proud of this wrap-up as i did last year’s, but really all i can do is hope that 2022 will be a better, and kinder, year. as always, thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos and bookmarks, it really does mean the world even if i’ve been super MIA and haven’t been great about saying so.

until next time!

#my fic #this came out more than depressing than i wanted so uh. oops

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razorblade180 · 4 years ago

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Interdimensional Moms: part 1

Intro <-

Yang:So how we doin this? Drawing straws or... well we actually don’t have straws here so-

Weiss:It’s obvious that you wanna go first.

Blake:Extremely obvious.

Ruby:All over your face.

Yang:Hey now, don’t call me out like that! We all have so much to sort out here. I don’t even know where to begin. Differences could start and stop anywhere for all we really know.

Blake:From what it seems, Beacon itself would have one or two minor changes, but the real changes start after the fall. At least, for you three that is.

Weiss:You saying you’re different?

Blake:Unless you three started going on dates with Jaune at Beacon, then yes, I’m different.

RWY:(They’ve been together that long!?)

Yang:Okay, starting from Beacon...nothing really stands out too much. Jaune and I were just friends. *cringes* Back then, a certain faunus caught my eye.

Blake:Ah...right. I guess that tracks in practically every universe.

RW:Oh yeah it does. You two are joined at the hip.

Yang:Haha, really? Glad to hear it. My Blake and I are best buds! Remnant has never seen such a dynamic duo! Can’t say it didn’t take a lot of time effort after a rough patch. We actually dated in my world.

Blake:Same.

Yang:What!? How long?

Blake:I don’t know, it was pretty on again off again.

Yang:Well for me it was after Haven. Both of us had gotten pretty serious. All the growing we’ve done together and apart had brought us closer. However, Adam unintentionally put a wedge between us. His attempt to change and the problems that came with it were-

Yang stopped midway and saw the confused faces of her otherworldly teammates. They were shocked, confused even. Especially Blake, who looked the most shocked of all.

Yang:Umm did I say something odd?

Blake:Adam, he...isn’t dead?

Yang:Oh, well I guess that’s the start of the major changes then. Blake and I fought Adam at Argus. Stabbed him through the chest and watched him fall down rocks into a river.

Ruby:That lines you with my world. Dude died that day. Like any normal person should.

Yang:Well Adam is anything but fucking normal. Man has the craziest luck. A young women, the winter maiden in fact, she saved his life. She’s not exactly normal either. The maiden, Jacquelyn, ended up sticking by him to see if she could change his ways. This naturally meant we’d run into them again. And that’s how things fell apart.

Blake:What do you mean?

Yang:You were fully committed to seeing if Adam could actually change. I wasn’t, so we constantly butted heads in any situation involving him. Then we would fight about things that had nothing to do with at all. Eventually, we broke it off. We remained on decent terms but I was pretty heartbroken about the disconnect. Enter our lovable blonde idiot. Jaune did everything in his power to cheer me up.

Weiss:Sounds like him. Always such a bleeding heart. That boy just can’t help himself. Let me guess, his kindness and concern made you feel all warm and fuzzy?

Yang:Hehe, guilty. It was more of his willingness to laugh at my puns. Jaune’s always been interesting to talk to. He tries to act cool and calm even though he’s terrible at it, then comes clean right after. Before I knew it I was telling him things I hadn’t talked about with people before. I could tell he looked at me like most guys do, but also genuinely wanted to listen to me. Talk about playing unfair; he got defenseless. Suddenly I was smiling again. Anytime with him was time well spent. Then one day, I kissed him.

Ruby:Happily ever after?

Yang:Not even close! Hahaha!

Weiss:Why do you sound proud?

Yang:It’s funny looking back at it to a certain degree. Gods, I was such a brat. More than a few fights are on me. Between Blake, Raven, and other experiences, my insecurities flared up in ugly ways over nothing. It even got us to break up too. I was officially done with dating. My Ruby was out in an uncomfortable position.

Ruby:I bet! I’d never want you two fighting. Especially in my world. Picking between the person I love and my sister!? I don’t know what will happen.

Yang:I kinda do. *sets up* You’d start dating Jaune because you’ve looked at him since Beacon. The two of you would confide in each other and share a special kind of love, but it would be bittersweet. All because your sister still pines for him and never met to make him leave, and Jaune never says it, but he hates how things fell apart. He’s faithful to you and would never do you wrong, a guy to truly cherish. So... you let him go. Watch him walk back to your sister like you asked, because my happiness was worth that much to you.

Ruby:....

Yang: In my world at least. Honestly it’s still the most amazing thing I’ve seen you do. We must’ve cried over that conversation for hours. I felt so guilty and you only smiled, hugging me tight. Jaune and I had a few more stumbles. Nothing serious though. Eventually we moved in together when the world was saved. You and Oscar got together officially which made me happy. Even made our weddings a competition of who’d make dad bawl his eyes out the most. You won by the way; Raven came back into our family and into dad’s arms. Last but not least I had a baby. Yujin Xiao Long, my fucking pride and joy from above.

Weiss:Wow, that’s a lot.

Blake:What am I doing? Did I marry Sun?

Yang:Yep. You and blondes Blake, I tell ya.

Weiss:Hold the phone! Who am I with!?

Yang:Pretty sure you’re technically single. Buuuut, Neo and your have gotten pretty friendly from what I managed to interrogate out of you.

Weiss:That’s, highly unexpected. For a number of reasons.

Yang:Better believe it. Besides Cinder, a few crazies, and Salem, a few people made something of themselves. Dying sucks after all.

Ruby:You have a dead Cinder?

WBY: You don’t?

Ruby:*crosses arms* Hmph, I’ll wait my turn. Yang, you said you’re the only mother from our team. If Blake and I have been married for quite some time then what, we don’t want kids?

The joyful sunshine from Yang slipped into grayer skies. Her smile faded and it increasingly got harder to look at this Ruby without thinking of her own.

Yang:Are you sure that’s something you wanna know? I’ll tell you, but I didn’t want to bring down the mood with the problems where I from.

Blake:Problems? How big of a problem.

Yang:The biggest we’ve faced. It’s...a lot.

Ruby:Well we’ve listened this far. *takes hand* Lay it on us.

Yang:Pfft, oh boy. So...umm...another secret war came up. One that caused us to leave our friends and family for over a decade.

Weiss:A decade!?

Blake:What gets worse after Salem!? Who tries anything after a grimm queen!?

Yang:So a majority of Remnant was still unaware of her, but a fight like that can only be kept under wraps so tightly. Plenty of people still learned fractions of the truth. A few of those people weren’t exactly nice guys. They idolized her efforts and became her followers that wanted to keep her will alive, starting with taking revenge on the people who defeated her. We were so unaware. So caught up in normalcy. They ambushed us, and I mean everyone. We...we didn’t come out unscathed. Ren was crippled badly. Weiss, you almost your brother. Jaune’s family got hit but thankfully lived. The real casualties were aimed to hurt Ruby.

Ruby:Oh, of course. S-So, either you’re about to say I had no time to start a family, or...

Yang:...

Yang:When I tell you the look you made when you learned what happened to Oscar, to Qrow... that’s the moment it felt like my little sister left forever. Till this day you don’t smile like you used to. Very recently, now that it’s finally over, you’ve started looking better, but those ten years were hell. We choose to go out and fight again, avoiding contact with family. I haven’t had a real opportunity to be in my daughters life.

Ruby:How old is she?

Yang:Sixteen soon. Left her when she was four so you know. *tearing up* I missed everything. Just about anyways. Ironically it was Raven and Adam that helped her through the years with Jaune and Dad. Eventually we came back and ooohh boy was Yujin not thrilled in the slightest. Hehehe. Her right hook is really strong. I only had about a week with her before things got complicated again. *wipes eyes* But it’s okay. We left on good term. Something I definitely don’t feel like I deserve.

Blake:I can’t believe a thing like that would be possible.

Yang:Cults are a huge problem in Remnant now. You’re definitely aware of that. You actually oversee a little group from the shadows to deal with them in secret. An idea you got from experience. Adam works for you and everything. Hate to admit, but he’s become the guy you wanted him to be. Even has a family. I’m grateful to him. He personally kept my girl safe.

Blake:To think I’d hear you say that. Now I know this isn’t my world.

Yang:Don’t get me wrong, I still will hit him if given the chance. My life hasn’t been charmed and sacrifices too great were happening way too many times but it finally has gotten to a point where everyone feels like we’re taking steps towards a better future.

Weiss:Moving forward?

Yang:Yes, I was trying to avoid the phrase but yes Weiss, we’re moving forward. Still... *looks at Ruby*....

Ruby:W-What?

Yang:It’s unreal seeing you like this. My Ruby has become so strong and endured but hasn’t really picked herself up completely. All her tragedy stemmed from the loss of Oscar and Qrow; her last talk with Oscar was fight about kids too. That’s the entire reason she went off alone in the first place. Looking at you I can’t help but question my own choices. If...I just let her stay with Jaune, then maybe-

Ruby:Nope.

Yang:Huh?

Ruby:Look, if I know anything about your world, then it’s gonna be me and I can tell you without a doubt your Ruby doesn’t blame or would consider her own happiness without you. She loved you enough to take the chance to find love again. You really think there’s anything you could’ve done differently at that point. That girl is as stubborn as they come! *smiles* So buck up cowgirl. You deserve it.

A sense of warmth came over Yang as she heard those words. This other Ruby smiled at her with the same love as her own; completely caring about Yang’s feeling before her own. Yang felt so...unburdened. She couldn’t help but cry a little, laughing softly as she did. Who would’ve thought love could transcend worlds? It was so vindicating, therapeutic even.

Yang:Ruby, you’re something else entirely, you know that?

Ruby:It’s my curse. All I ever wanted was normal knees but the world said “no, special eyes!”

Yang:Well I guess I should thank the world then?

Weiss:You said your Ruby is getting better? That’s good. Still, it must be pretty weird looking at Jaune. Can’t imagine how lonely it must feel losing a love twice.

Blake:It never numbs.

Yang:Geez you two, lighten up. We can’t all be depressed. Ruby also didn’t lose Jaune. Actually....there may or may not have been an interesting...arrangement for a brief period of time.

Ruby:Ehhh what?

Yang:Hehehe well, hahaha, ummmm a decade is a very long time without feeling any kind of pleasure in a bleak situation. And you know me, I have to share things with you all my life.

Ruby:OH MY GOD!!!

Blake:*grinning* Yooooo! You loaned out Jaune!?

Weiss:That’s....accurate; in a lot of ways.

Ruby:That’s so scandalous! How could you!?

Yang:I didn’t force it! I gave the option, you said no, then you changed your mind because things got real stressful. Like come on, a decade of death and loneliness.

Ruby:Sigh...yeah. I can see it. Still, it’s so filthy. He’s a married man. What, so I’d just look at you and say “Yang I’m gonna sleep with Jaune, don’t come in the room.”

Yang:....

Ruby:What?

Yang:....Nothing.

Ruby:Bullshit! What is it!?

Yang:*scratches head* Well, I was lonely too, and a week is only so long-

Weiss:Oh so it was a group thing!!?

Ruby:WHAT!?

Yang:Only sometimes!

Ruby:SOMETIMES!?

Blake:HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! THAT IS AMAZING!

Ruby:Why are you laughing!?

Blake:Because that’s just so extreme, and not, all at the same time. I could totally see that happening.

Weiss:Same. Dang, Jaune slept with sisters. That’s dangerously close to being like your dad.

Ruby:That’s different!

Blake:Is it though?

Yang:Eh, I don’t see the problem. We’re all grown and make choices. Plus I’m the one who guided you through awkward teenage changes. It not like we didn’t share a room for years.

Ruby:That doesn’t make it okay.

Yang:Eh debatable.

Ruby:*red* It isn’t though! How could I do something so bold!? So taboo!?

Weiss:It isn’t like you’re the one who did it. Just a version of you.

Ruby:Not better!

Yang:Awwww it’s okay Ruby. Let’s hug it out. Hehehe *opens arms*

Ruby:Don’t touch me!

Weiss and Blake laugh until their sides hurt as Ruby tries escaping the bear hug that terrorized her. Yang’s world found interesting for sure. Weiss finally decides to help Ruby out.

Weiss:Got a picture of Yujin?

Yang’s eyes lit up and pulled out her scroll. Her team huddled around her and collectively cooed like that parents they are at the sight of a blonde young girl with gorgeous blue eyes with a black combat school graduation cap and gown and a certificate proudly raised up high. If it wasn’t for those eyes and shoulders length hair, they might’ve mistaken her for Yang.

Yang:She’s going to Beacon early because she’s fucking awesome like her mom.

Ruby:I think you mean her aunt?

Yang:I know what I said.

Weiss:I bet she’s just as hardheaded.

Blake:What do you think your kid is up to right now?

Yang: Well...*smiles*

xxxx

The girl in question sat at a work bench with oil on her face and her hands busy tinkering with gauntlets. She looked over at blueprints in a journal. If they were right, then she was definitely doing something wrong. How her mother made something so complex was crazy!

Yujin:Come on Yujin. You can fix a car, making gauntlets into a sword that don’t break should be easy!

Footsteps came up from behind her and a plate stacked with sandwiches. She looked up and smiled at her dad that gave her a wink, then kissed her forehead.

Jaune:Haveing fun, you grease monkey.

Yujin:Jokes on you, I like monkeys. Just a few more attempts and I’ll have the coolest weapon in Remnant. That entrance exam is as good as aced.

Jaune:Not if you don’t have a landing strategy. Tomorrow we’re going on a trip.

Yujin:Does it happen to be near a cliff?

Jaune:Who can say? Rule one of being a huntsman, be prepared for everything.

He ruffled her hair and left, laughing evilly. Yujin could tell he’s been waiting for this day. She pulled out her scroll and searched through a collection of videos labeled “mom” and found a super early one. She hit play and watched her mother give a peace sign to the camera as trees increasingly got closer from below.

Yang:Beacon rules!!!! Wooohooo!

The camera flipped and focused on a familiar blonde flailing through the air like a doll in the distance.

Yang:Oof, hate to be that guy! Wait, that’s vomit boy! Hahah, hope he survives. He owes me shoes. Poor dude. I guess he needs more training in flirting and landing. Wait, eugh I think he barfed again! Hahaha!

Jaune:Stop watching that one!!!!

Yujin:Hahaha but it’s the best one. The ending is priceless.

Jaune: *walks back down*

Yang:Well if he survives this I guess I can off him at least I can offer him mints and company. Fake it to ya make Jaune. Between me and Ruby, at least you’ll look like a player. Heh, nah, I don’t think I can support a bunny onesie.

Yujin and Jaune:*grinning* And then she did! *high-fives* Arc charm, baby!

#rwby #rwby au #jaune arc #ruby rose #weiss schnee #yang xiao long #blake belladonna #rwby dragonslayer #yujin xiao long #rwby lasting embers

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ckret2 · 4 years ago

Text

GVK spoilers below, about conspiracy theories

I’m gonna get around to posting all my GVK reactions but this one got long so I’m putting it in its own post.

The Monsterverse series, in both KOTM and GVK, has some pretty interesting things to say about conspiracy theories and ecofascism; but, unfortunately, it doesn’t REALIZE that it’s saying any of them, so it keeps dropping the ball and missing opportunities to explore them.

Starting with KOTM, “there’s too many humans so we’ve just gotta let some die and that’ll fix pollution 🤷” is like false ecofascist claim #1 but at no point in the movie was it challenged as unfactual, it was just presented as a sad truth that people have to do morally ambiguous things about. Except that it’s just literally mathematically not true!

Emma could be such a GREAT, believable character—especially in this world with, like, frigging QAnon nonsense getting such widespread traction—showing a compelling, realistic tragedy of how this normal, intelligent, well-educated white mom who otherwise is likely left-leaning (pro-environmentalism, pro-nature conservation, got a doctorate and generally more academia correlates with more liberal ideals) got sucked into a far right ecofascist doomsday militia that combines hokey pseudo-environmentalist propaganda with “in balance with nature” semi-religious mysticism, because she was exploited at a time when she was emotionally vulnerable (when her kid had just died) and was lacking healthy emotional support (when her husband turned to alcohol and then ran off).

... Except the movie never says that her “overpopulation” beliefs are WRONG. It says that they’re RIGHT, and she was just forced to choose between two losing scenarios—deliberately kill most of humanity to hopefully save a few, or watch humanity kill itself.

Nobody bothers to mention that the size of the population isn’t the problem, it’s the disproportionate pollution coming out of first world countries. Nobody bothers to mention that when Emma talks about “overpopulation” and shows a screenshot of an overcrowded neighborhood, it ain’t affluent downtown skyscraper condos in Europe or America that she’s highlighting, but large masses of poor people whose neighborhoods look “dirty” to the white woman’s eyes, despite the fact that they’re contributing the least to humanity’s carbon footprint.

Emma’s beliefs are empirically wrong, and if KOTM had ever demonstrated that, it would’ve been brilliant. Instead, it tries to say “she was right, she just went too far,” and in doing so loses an opportunity to make Emma a deeply believable, timely, realistic, well-meaning but wrong villain.

And now we’ve got GVK, which has swerved away from the ecofascism but doubled down on the conspiracy theories. Here, Emma’s daughter, who was raised for five years with what amounts to a survivalist doomsday cult’s beliefs, when faced with the grief of her mother’s death and the struggle of trying to reconnect to her estranged father, turns—again—to conspiracies to make sense of the world around her. Because that’s what Madison’s been raised with, and even though she got disillusioned with the particular “we know something special that the normal people can’t handle” beliefs that she was raised with, that kind of thinking is still what she knows. She’s still doing what her mother raised her to do! She’s still pulling the “hypercompetent highly-trained lone wolf ‘survivor’ saves the world” shtick that Jonah’s gang taught her to do—but it’s never brought up that it was screwed up to raise a child like that and it’s screwed up for her to still be interacting with the world like that.

At least THIS conspiracy theorist isn’t literally advocating for global genocide. Bernie’s focus largely seems to be on “this corporation is trying to screw people over and screw up the environment—” (because in Monsterverse, as in Toho monster movies as a whole, kaiju/titans and the environment are symbolically conflated, so if a corporation is messing with Godzilla then they’re messing with nature as well) “—so I’m gonna find out what they’re up to and be a whistleblower.” Which is great! Solid start! We’ve got a guy taking aim at big business and who says “when the weather Godzilla acts erratic, it’s not random chance, it’s because a big business is doing something it shouldn’t,” so it looks like we’ve got a leftist conspiracy theorist, that’s different, could be interesting to explore.

Except then he starts talking about governments serving a “global elite” and facilities built by “lizard people” and then we’ve swung right back around to the far right by casually dropping in a couple of antisemitic conspiracy theories.

Add that in with the whole “hollow earth” thing and damn, we’re namedropping a lot of antisemitic conspiracy theories, aren’t we? Granted, most conspiracy theories ARE antisemitic—but like, they could have dug around for some that aren’t. Have him talk some more about Roswell. Have him bring up things that we’ve actually got documentation happened and theorize that MKUltra research was used in Apex’s development of their pilot’s psychic mind link to Mechagodzilla. Have him bring up tailor-made-for-the-Monsterverse conspiracy theories that don’t exist here, “Monster Zero is actually the secret weapon of a nearby ‘Planet X’ that’s gonna invade,” whatever. Instead, nah, we went with the antisemitic ones.

Now, do I think the writers behind KOTM and GVK intended antisemitism? Do I think they’re closet alt-right trying to dogwhistle the fascists in the audience? No, I think they think they’re making fun of—or playing around with—what they see as harmless, unbelievable, way-out-there conspiracy theories. I think they know just enough about “hollow earth” and “global elites” and “lizard people” to make references to them, but not in a way that promotes the common antisemitic understanding of those theories as true. (Monsterverse’s hollow earth, a weird underground jungle where King Kong lives, sure doesn’t resemble the usual conspiracy theory.) To me, the way they were used suggests the writers didn’t deeply understand (or at least, didn’t deeply think about) what the theories really mean—nor what they imply about the beliefs of the characters who espouse them. Which is the crux of my issue with how the movies deal with conspiracy theories and ecofascists and so forth (beyond the fact that, hey, I just don’t like seeing likable characters casually referencing antisemitic beliefs): the writers didn’t think about the implications.

Because these things do imply a lot! For example, if, say, Josh, total newb to conspiracy theories, had asked about lizard people, I would have grimaced to hear it but I would have believed that he’s a teen boy that picked up the term at school and doesn’t know anything about what’s behind it. But on the other hand, I can’t believe a guy so deep in the conspiracy theory world that he bathes in bleach doesn’t know exactly what those conspiracies mean—or, even if he does somehow staunchly refuse to believe that “lizard people” is a code for “Jewish people,” that whatever circle of conspiracy theorists he runs with doesn’t use it as a code. Bernie didn’t pick up those beliefs in a void. I really doubt that’s what the writers wanted to imply about the goofy likable underdog with a podcast.

And sure, the “global elite” and “lizard people” references are presented like a “haha look how far out his beliefs are” joke—the same as the fluoride reference, which is basically Hollywood code for “bogus nonsense only complete lunatics believe” thanks to Dr. Strangelove—but at the same time, they’re never really disproven. Nothing he believes is challenged. Nor are any of Madison’s beliefs that she’s picked up from him. Everything they both believe is either a “wow that’s wild” throwaway joke, or else they’re presented as totally right, e.g. about Apex being up to dubious crap that’s irritating Godzilla.

Just like Emma, who was presented as in the wrong not because she was incorrect but because she WAS correct but took the wrong actions. And just like Rick in KOTM, who kept bring up the hollow earth theory like a running joke but then the joke was that he was right.

And that’s at the root of the issues with both movies’ portrayals of conspiracy theories. Aside from the jokes that are never explored (and therefore, never disproven), the movies say that, every time it matters, the conspiracy theorists on the fringe are correct, the heroes that need to be believed. Even though all (excluding Rick) are characters who have suffered deep loss, who have been hurt, who you can imagine as passionate but grieving people who turned to dangerously wrong extremism in their search for meaning... the movies don’t portray them as people who have been led astray by their pain, but enlightened by their pain. Which is what they themselves think they are, sure, but that doesn’t line up with reality.

The movies never forces them to grapple with how far they’ve gone astray from reality—and I think they should. I’d like to see them processing the revelation that their beliefs are wrong. Whether it’s as big as somebody trying to convince Emma that killing half the population doesn’t fix the pollution caused by corporations rich enough to weather a global hurricane, or as small as Bernie looking at Apex’s financial records and realizing the company’s money is going to the CEO’s vacation home rather than a reptile government and deciding to rethink those beliefs after they’ve checked out Hong Kong.

“Conspiracy theorist is right about everything” is already a common enough trope that Monsterverse isn’t breaking any new ground with it. And in a franchise like Godzilla, whose movies are rife with messages both allegorical and literal about environmentalism, corporate exploitation, the futility of military action, international politics, war crimes... letting the conspiracy theorists be wrong and showing that they’re wrong and what that wrongness can lead to would mesh far better with the themes of Godzilla.

Think about Jonah and Emma unleashing Ghidorah (who emerged from a destroyed ice cap and immediately caused devastating hurricanes—a perfect metaphor for climate change), and what that could say about how ecofascists who purportedly joined the movement because they support environmentalism are actually far more in bed with the destructive industries really at the root of environmental damage... if the movie acknowledged them as ecofascists.

Think about how Jonah collected Ghidorah’s head at the end of KOTM and by the time of GVK it was in Apex’s hands, and how this exchange demonstrates that “I want to unleash titans to destroy humanity to save the environment” Jonah the ecoterrorist and “I want to beat the titans to protect humanity” Simmons the billionaire CEO actually have far more similar ideals beneath the surface of their opposed goals—ideals that have less to do with the environment or with humanity and more to do with securing personal power and control... if the movie had explained how this exchange took place.

Think about how Madison’s mother died trying to mitigate just a little of the damage she did under the thrall of a doomsday cult’s skewed beliefs, how even though Madison broke free she found herself embroiled in similarly skewed beliefs just three years later, and how powerful it would have been if she recognized that she herself had walked right back into the kind of fringe beliefs her mother had led her into as a child, and if she had then resolved to learn how this kept happening to her and break this pattern... if the movie had ever let her realize that she was making the same mistakes, or even acknowledged them as mistakes.

There’s so much potential there, so many things you can see happening right beneath the surface... but the movies never touch on them. And so it looks like, in Monsterverse, all fringe beliefs are either right or harmless. And we never get the “disillusioned conspiracy theorist” story that could be so brilliant and that, right now, would be so relevant.

#gvk #godzilla vs kong #gvk spoilers #godzilla vs kong spoilers #godzilla #kotm #meta

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