#It starts of really really toxic and horrible and ends toxic and co-dependent

[moldy-flowers]

I love the scene in naruto shippuden where Kakashi says "I'm really starting to take a liking to you" not because naruto freaks the hell out but because this implies that for the other like 3 and a half years Naruro knew Kakashi and the 16 years Kakshi knew of Naruto Kakshi just did not like Naruto at all.

[flamemittens]

Number 6 and 10 for the Durgetash meme!

From the Durgetash asks here!

6. Describe their dynamic in one sentence. Without using toxic.

A meeting of minds, with unhealthy co-dependency, a lot of sassing and suppression of feelings.

10. Did the tyrant ever try to impress the serial killing godling and exact how horrible did it end for him? What sorta things did he do solely for 'the sake of cooperation' with glaringly obvious ulterior motives?

Oh absolutely.

It would have started with the Hall of Wonders heist - I like to think that ordinarily he might have sent lackeys to a job like this, but due to his desire to impress her and prove his own ability/usefulness (and to assess the feasibility of a partnership AND to satisfy some of his curiosity) he would have deemed it very much worth taking part himself. It went well, relatively speaking - she found him intriguing, amongst other not so flattering things at first.

Thereafter, he quickly learned she was not really impressed by his usual methods of bringing someone on side - his early attempts at gifts and associated gestures etc did not go down well. He found she liked knowledge, information, useful things, so he tailored everything to that, with good results, even though she was aware what he was really up to with some of it! And he, on some level, probably knew she was cognisant of the machinations of it all too.

And then there was Stillmaker, a gift in the later stages. She was really thrilled with that. But would never let him know just how much.

Thank you love for the asks! <3

[heismybanganpalli]

It was THAT bad? Like I fr thought it would not be that bad and not to discredit the people who've had it bad but I really haven't comprehended it could be that horrible

Sadly yes, it was THAT bad. How bad it is for someone in a department mainly depends on which unit an intern ends up in and what kind of co-interns are there , atleast in our hospital. I luckily ended up in the worst, worst and second worst units of gynae, surgery and medicine respectively. My unit in paeds was also very strict. This meant that I had the most patient exposure among the interns, because of the maximum patients in the OPD and the wards, but it also meant I had somewhat more work.

To be fair , our hospital and college is famous for being toxic in internship. Very few interns are able to clear the entrance in their first attempt because of this culture.

But all said , i am still grateful to my hospital. Till final year, you mostly gain knowledge. During internship I actually learnt and experienced being a doctor. And last but not the least , I started dating @doctorcheeseburst during the latter half of my internship, and I never wanted our internship to end after that. Hehe.

Also till I entered internship, I could never comprehend how bad and (good) it could be. You can understand it only by experiencing it ig.

[joeyvander]

I am really on the fence about making a full post about my personal life, but I am in deep need of help right now.

I will keep the story relativley vague for personal reasons. If you wish to read more on my situation, then click read more.

Please dont commission me or donate if you are struggling financially. I have my ways to make cash, its just not working as much as I hoped. So this is more of one of my last resorts.

Kofi Commissions

My website has which type of commission I am willing to do. Some are just too mentally draining. Sorry

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My story

I lended 4k+ of my "moving out" savings to a family member i am living with in order to cover unpaid rent (rent I have already been copaying to them monthly. Around 600-900$ depending on my paycheck) to keep us from getting evicted. Unfortunetly that family member refuses to pay anything back despite me making it clear that it was a loan and I dont have the time, money, or energy to sue.

And now the lease is up (or my family is getting evicted.) Idk which one and frankly I dont care. It could be both.

I have been growing up in this toxic and abusive household for almost all of my life with this family member, so unfortunetly if I co sign another lease with her, I will not be able to last much longer in that enviroment.

There is also a BUNCH of family drama and horrible decisions being constantly on that person's end that is making things borderline dangerous for everyone.

I still have part of my savings from my moving out savings account, so Im not feeling completely hopeless, but if I am terrified of losing more.of that money the longer I am in this enviroment. I will never be able to leave the longer I stay and will be pushed further back to where I started.

Any money I have left will be used to finally start my transitioning from ftm (which that family member used threats of su!c!de to keep me from getting treatment for), mental and physical therapy, and lastly to help my boyfriend move to america (and hopefully buy a real home)

Also take in my brother if he has no where else to go to.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this, even if you don't donate or commission me, i am just happy that I was finally able to get my actual story out. If anything, being finally able to speak out about my situation has let a lot of weight off my shoulders (even if I left a lot of what happened to me out of this post)

Maybe one day I will tell more of what my home life was like. Just not today.

Again thank you for reading.

[blucifer08]

What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

okay this isn't for naru but it's for erasmia and i'll talk about this for years i'm so sorry

I'm literally obsessed with an Ascian AU for Erasmia. If you don't know, Erasmia's story ends with her and Themis fighting, Erasmia tries to merge souls with him, he rips them apart, and their souls get intermingled and that is why Naru and Elidibus are drawn to each other--each holds a piece of the other's soul

So, what happens if Erasmia doesn't get sundered after their souls get intermingled? Two ancients stuck with pieces of each other's soul knowingly and unable to fix it...

Well, They become horribly toxically co-dependent, just like Naru and Elidibus did. But now, they're one of four people of their kind trying to put the world back together. I think Erasmia's mind would start to go, similarly to Elidibus', and she would become a fucking annoyance for the ascians more than anything. She's too aggressive, won't take orders, will flip out if anyone even dare touches a hair on the Emissary's head...

AND... I won't elaborate too much on this without provocation but I have a doc i've been working on that describes a double boss battle, wol vs Elidibus and Erasmia. it has some fucked up mechanics--if anyone gets below a certain amount of HP at any point, Erasmia performs an execution move on that player and if the party doesn't stack on the player /very quickly/ then the player is killed. This gets really complex with Elidibus hot/cold mechanic from SoS

[leavingtarshish]

Testimony part 3

Middle school was a hot beautiful mess. It was really hard finding my place in junior high, especially because me and my childhood best friend were now at the same school and she ran in a completely different crowd than I did. She was a year older but her and her friends might as well have been seniors in high school with the things they were allowed to do and got away with. Smoking pot, drinking, sneaking out, etc. I was simultaneously falling into a pretty dark emotional place and started entertaining the idea of hurting myself. I think I had started having suicidal thoughts towards the end of 6th grade but the whole trying to be a “punk” and listening to edgier music thing took that up a notch.

The day I turned 13 is the one day in my history that I wish I could erase and change the trajectory of my childhood. On that day I started “dating” my first love. This relationship quickly turned into something much bigger than we could handle at such a young age. Too serious and too fast. Looking back I can clearly see that I had no sense of self worth and found all my comfort, stability, sense of self, approval, you name it—in this one guy. So much to the point that during the first year or so of our relationship I would actually call him “daddy” on accident. It was embarrassing and not intended to be sexy or anything of that nature. It would just slip out unintentionally at the most random times. This guy also came from a pretty messed up childhood. Probably more messed up than mine. His dad was horrible and controlling and abusive, and these traits unfortunately made their way into our relationship too. To his defense he was only a year older than me and obviously had no idea what he was doing either. He was very loving in the beginning and wasn’t physically abusive, but as the relationship progressed it grew very toxic with heavy elements of control and manipulation.

Side note: while this was the first controlling romantic relationship I had been in since my home life turned south, it was not the first controlling friendship I had and wouldn’t be the last. Looking back I can see that my people pleasing/co-dependent traits made me fall into toxic friendships with females that would always end up controlling and manipulating me. This happened from 2nd grade to 28 years old.

Anyway, I got in serious trouble with my dad and step mom about a month after me and this guy started this relationship and ultimately moved back in with my mom. I was taking a walk with her one evening while I was visiting her and ended up breaking down in tears telling her I was having thoughts about cutting myself. She asked if I wanted to move back in with her and I said yes.

She later told me that shortly before this happened she was awoken in the middle of the night to a vision of a tree planted at the edge of a cliff. The tree was sloping downwards into the dark valley. God told her the tree was me. And not long after I moved back with her, she had the same vision of the tree, but this time it was standing upright. She also saw demons—that had been with me for some time—trying to get inside my new room at her (my grandpa’s) house, but couldn’t. I can’t explain how much better I felt after I moved in with her. There was something demonic happening at my dad’s house that couldn’t follow me to my new home and thank God for that. I had a pep in my step again and got off Lexapro cold turkey. By the way, the demonic activity at my dad’s house is a topic of its own for a later date when I talk about generational curses.

The spring I moved back in with my mom was the start of many instances that should have killed me. The first of these was my first episode of randomly going into anaphylactic shock. Long story short I was in the hospital for a couple days and was not supposed to have survived the amount of time I was in shock before the ambulance arrived. Some might not think anything of this but I just can’t help but feel this was not a coincidence, especially since I probably wouldn’t have come back to the Lord in the same way I did if I had stayed at my dad’s. Me and my mom were invited to a night church service not long after this happened and a woman who was praying for me said she saw boxing gloves.

That summer I went to church camp with one of my best girlfriends. It changed my life. All I can say is years of bondage and who knows what else were lifted from me one night and all I could do was weep on those church steps, with praying hands laid all over my body, for what felt like hours. And prayers I said for other people were immediately answered. It was incredible. This was the first time I really fell in love with God and going to youth group on Wednesday nights. I loved every minute of it and wanted the world to know who He was. I wish I had maintained that posture in the years to come, but my heart will never forget that night.

[meg2md]

Finished 5 weeks of L&D, which included 3 straight weeks of nights. Wow, what a trip. I've delivered over 60 babies, done countless cervical exams, reached about 50% foley bulb success rate depending on the dilation and effacement of the cervix, and gotten my AROM technique down. I've also done one cesarean delivery. I started off being a total idiot and became reasonably competent (at least for an intern) by the end.

Thankfully I had a golden weekend this week - my first in about a month. I just started gyne and it's wild because now I'm starting over in terms of competency. And let me tell you, while hysteroscopy is a minor procedure, it's NOT EASY. I'm so clunky. I've only tried about two but I can't get the scope in and focused.

My partner also came to visit this weekend - he left this morning. Turns out the distance is hard for him. Really hard. Like, almost too hard. So we're giving it another go and hoping for the best, but man, turns out nothing is ever guaranteed. It's pretty depressing because the timing on our relationship is just ass. Everything else about it besides the timing/distance is so, so beautiful. Mind-blowingly beautiful. I had such a good time with him this weekend. He makes my heart feel full and happy; he makes me want to improve myself intellectually, emotionally, and physically; and he has helped me get over some of my old scars. I'm trying really hard not to be too depressed and hopeless about it. There's no sense in moping about an outcome I don't know for sure yet, and also why not enjoy the time that I have, even if it's limited? I really want therapy to help me not only navigate this but also my toxic thought patterns. It's nearly impossible with resident hours, though. I mean, we have protected time... but our protected time feels more like "protected time". Lol.

In the meantime I'm trying to really capture that feeling I had when I broke up with my ex - the feeling of being free, of re-inventing myself, of re-defining who I am and how I interact with the world. It's hard when I feel mildly dependent on and sad about not being with my partner, but honestly, how can I truly be in a healthy relationship with someone else when I can't even be in a healthy relationship with myself? At least my mood has leveled out to a normal level of depressed from the horrible chaotic depressed I was when I started nights.

So here I am once again trying to get my feet on the ground. I feel like I start from scratch a lot, but that's just life, ain't it? I bought ten passes to the rock climbing gym and bought a pull-up bar. I've lost a lot of weight recently: five pounds since starting residency and a total of eight pounds since I broke up with my ex back in January. While it's good to be back at my medical school starting weight, I unfortunately have lost a lot of muscle. My goal is to do a pull-up, so I'm going to need to navigate maintaining (or at least controlling) my weight while building this skill. This is a LONG-STANDING goal of mine, and one of my co-interns is interested in it as well. And a lot of my co-residents are into rock climbing, so that will both help with my pull-up dreams and also help me have a life outside of medicine. I'm also trying to rally some people to do trivia this or next week, and I want to hang out for dinner/drinks after work more frequently. Maybe next weekend I'll go to a park or on a hike during my one day off.

This is my first time moving totally on my own to a completely new city with completely new people. It is actually really exciting, once I sort through the terror and depression. It might be a long, long time before I have this experience again (well, at least four years), and I really want to make the most of it. I want to seize this chance and really thrive, carve out my own life, grow into someone I can be proud of.

"You feel like you've been waiting for someone for so long, but that person was you all along."

[burningthemidnightcityoil]

THE ALPHA TIMELINE AND SPACE

Biiiig time Homestuckery spoiler stuff here.

Outside of how they are interpretative, used as powers, symbolized or otherwise, the Aspects do appear to have direct functions outside of created Universes. As shown by the Intermission (and by extension, HS^2).

So when you’re in the Medium, the Aspects all act akin to the laws of nature or physics, they will act beyond your power and control, even if you’re a god or the top god or whatever.

So let’s talk about Time.

Time tends to just tick on. If choices (Mind) comes into play, multiple timelines may appear (Mind deals in the idea of Multiverses born from significant Choices) but Time ultimately doesn’t care.

But that changes when there’s a Paradox.

Time wants to or will always try, to solve a paradox. Because as one really great fanfic once pointed out, Time isn’t just a Line, its also a Circle. But we’re not here to talk about Cycles (Heart based), we’re here to talk Paradoxes.

There are plenty of minor paradoxes in Homestuck, such as the Rabbit’s journey, or Dave’s time shenanigans, or the Trolls retroactively becoming future involved in past future human tomfuckery.

But.

Homestuck is already one Huge Paradox.

This is the Alpha Timeline, or Lord English’s Paradox.

See, the phrase “He is Already Here” is a bit more important than you think. Caliborn was born in Universe C, (Evidence: Troll Planet. Dead Earth populated by Bro Dave’s shitty jpg Statue of Liberties) which we know to have been created by our Humans / Trolls, who implanted Alpha Earth into this universe.

But thanks to outside intervention (literally), the Cherubs’ coming into contact with the Humans, Gamzee, and SBURB is literally LE’s Paradox catching up to him preemptively and retroactively. This is both where the paradox ends and starts.

And thus, Caliborn has, had and will always be, Lord English. And since he always has been, and always will, the rest of the Medium now has to spend literal eons dealing with both Caliborn’s choices, and how Caliborn came to be. As Lord of Time, literally its commander, as well as someone who basically perma-ate his immortality clock (he commands his own Time), the Medium now has to deal with both Caliborn’s choices and figure out how he came to be.

Everything has to solve / fullfill Caliborn’s paradox, while also showing the underlying and horribly toxic influence that Lord English has on everything he ever comes into contact with.

And of course it starts and ends with some poor kid’s 13th birthday, with the best fucking question anybody has ever asked.

But.

The nature of Paradox Space is that you literally make your own story, and how complicated and out of control it gets, and how out of your depth you are.

And that starts with...

The planet the Cherubs grew up on never needed a backstory. It could’ve just been a dead planet that once had a civilization, with only vague hints at what it was once like. Trolls could easily be imaginary creatures, born out of some lonely and tormented girl’s mind, or since they’re in the universe presently, they could’ve been around but just didn’t do much. There, at no point, ever required the fuss that is Homestuck.

This, is Alt Calliope’s timeline. A multiverse Space that never had any outside intervention, never had any of the fuss. Space cares about possibility and impossibility, and knows that you don’t need all this bullshit to just exist, or just be. You’re not gonna grow up next to cyclopean walls, and expect to meet actual Cyclopes.

Time wants direction, a reason, a pattern to follow. Space wants creation, it wants to be and it doesn’t care about patterns or explanations. 

But that all went to hell when the game for the Alternate Cherubs started. Due to LE’s influence across the Medium, Alt Calliope’s game was ruined before it even started, because in another session, Caliborn was already making his way downtown, and LE was already here.

And yeah, from Homestuck’s standpoint, she’s probably the good guy. But there in lies a different problem. She’s not.

Alt Calliope is akin to Lord English, in that she decides what IS and ISNT. HS^2 is showing us this, right now, how dangerous she / they actually are (and I imagine that they’re going to become the villains right quick).

But.

You have to remember, the Aspects are like Laws, the IS and ISNT, they’re the underlying nature of reality and they’re too incomprehensible to have anything we might consider a conscious will. They simply Are.

I imagine in a normal session, Doomed Timelines don’t occur as often as they do in Homestuck. If something messes up, a Time Player can go back and try a new avenue, rather than be forced to only make specific choices. Its only if a paradox gets made that Doom starts creeping in.

Dido for Space. Things of Space are going to exist, no matter what Cherub or Human God Brats say or thinks, as proven by both Candy and Meat existing co dependently and interconnectedly.

AHEM

SPACETIME => FONDLY REGARD CREATION.

[tibby]

hi! lesbian questioning anon back with some more questions and needing advice. i got about 3 pages into the lesbian masterdoc before i started freaking out a little and i had to stop reading. i think i’m really scared about analyzing this part of myself because i’ve identified as bisexual for so long & ive never felt ... ashamed to express attraction to men (even though looking back and recalling those things, it felt hollow and fake; performative - even though i hardly had an audience). i don’t think being a lesbian is bad, but part of me is really really scared because 1.) what if i’m NOT a lesbian, i’m just going through an issue / phase / i’m traumatized from my last relationship and acting poorly about it ending? like, i don’t want to appropriate the label or invade a space like this as a (possible) non-lesbian!!! and stuff like 2.) if i’m a lesbian, why was i so free in talking about finding men hot? why was i so comfortable expressing how much i love Geralt (the witcher)??? why am i “”attracted”” do big strong - for lack of a better descriptor - alpha men?? and 3.) what if i come out, if it turns out i am a lesbian, and my lesbian friends think i’m faking it because i’ve talked about liking men before? i don’t know if i could cope with that rejection. anyways. i re-read your answer to my last ask several times. i do not think i could be happy with a man. but i thought everyone with IssuesTM (in my case i have ambiguous disorder lol - nah i just have lots of mental/development issues i don’t wanna list) just thought they were going to go through life bouncing from one toxic relationship to the next. my relationship with my ex wasn’t the healthiest, it was deeply co-dependent and i didn’t enjoy the sex at all. i thought maybe it was him (i guess this is still a possibility) or maybe that i’m asexual (it certainly felt like that, with how genuinely disinterested i’ve been with the concept of sex (adding: with men) all my life, so i have really no frame of reference) and i just kinda assume no one actually thinks they’re going to get a happy ever after. i think i would love to be with a woman, but i have no idea about the viability in that regard because i haven’t really had any long lasting bonds with other women. my best friends growing up were always boys, and i’ve always been intimidated by women, regardless of my attraction to them. i genuinely have no idea what a relationship with a woman would be like, but god i would like to have one! i feel like i would feel safer, more secure, more open with myself if there’s already a level of understanding between us. — anyways, thank you so much for enduring this with me so far. i cannot sufficiently express my gratitude for you allowing and accepting me vomiting anxieties all over your inbox. i appreciate all your thought-out responses and your empathy and kindness rn. it’s amazing and i wish i could repay you.

hello again! sorry for taking a few days to get back to you, i wanted to respond when i actually had time to sit down and type out a coherent reply.

to address your fears, working out your sexuality isn’t always an easy process and you’re not a bad person for wanting to try on different labels and see what works for you. you do not have to come up with an immediate answer now, and you’e allowed to switch between labels until you feel comfortable. if you identify as a lesbian for a little bit and then realise that you aren’t one, then that’s fine! it doesn’t mean you were invading lesbian spaces, it doesn’t mean you crossed any lines, it doesn’t mean you faked anything. and real friends would understand that and support you. if your lesbian friends think you’re lying about it or faking it, then they weren’t good friends to begin with. if that’s the case, i’m sorry, and it’ll hurt: but in the long run, you’d be better off without people who don’t support you.

and it’s not unusual for lesbians to find security and love - be it real or imagined - in men we think can protect us. that’s what we’re conditioned to what. and it can be hard to unlearn that. and as long as you’re secure in the knowledge that you don’t actually want to be with a man, i don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing your attraction to one. as i’ve said before, i’m absolutely a lesbian and i know this about myself, but if shane madej asked...then yeah, i’d probably go for it. ultimately, it comes down to what you need and want.

what i’m about to say might be considered controversial to some, but i’ve never seen the issue with someone who’s had traumatic/unhealthy relationships with men in the past only wanting to date women from that point on, and therefore call themselves a lesbian. your relationships with men are in the past, and you shouldn’t feel forced to have them define your future. and sex is supposed to feel good, you’re meant to enjoy it. if you’re not enjoying the sex you have with a man, then that’s your body telling you something. maybe it’s lesbianism, maybe it’s asexuality, maybe it’s a mix of the two - but the issue, for now, seems to lie with men. i wouldn’t suggest rushing into having sex with women to see how that feels and give yourself a solid answer, but take some time to reflect on how you’d feel if you were to be sexual again, but with a woman this time. does it still put you off? can you happily picture everything (making out, cuddling) except the sex? do you think it would be more comfortable than your previous sexual experiences? give yourself as much time as you need to process everything. your safety and comfort are absolutely the priority, not finding a label to stick to.

if you think you’d enjoy dating a woman, that you’d be happy to be with one and feel safe and comfortable, then that’s a good place to start. i think there’s this weird idea in online lesbian/bi circles that once you figure out your sexuality, you immediately have to get out there and enter into a gay relationship, like you have something to prove. and i take a lot of issue with that, because i think a lot of times, it ends badly for both people. just sit with yourself for awhile, start building relationships with people around you, and a romance will come naturally. romances are never going to be strong if you force them, regardless of your sexuality, and it’s something you should only go into once you’re sure and ready. which all may seem like obvious things, but i’ve seen enough gays have horrible relationships to know that it isn’t. your sexuality should be about you, not about your love life.

i’m glad i’ve been able to help you somewhat so far, and i hope this response brings you further comfort and peace of mind. it means a lot to me that you feel like you can ask me about this stuff, and i do want the best for you. as always, feel free to come back if you need anything else. sending you love!

[joyful-nebula]

He needs to accept that he fucked up and move on or he's going to become undone. And I really don't think I can take another suicide (not saying that's where this will head, but it's definitely giving off those vibes again and that's partially why I stopped reading this comic for a long time it was a little too heavy and reminded me too much of stuff close to home from high school.) Lucy was definitely abusive toward him with her every-changing attitude and misplacement of her feelings and he had every right to be upset with her and end their friendship but how he went about it was beyond cruel and he knew better especially considering how well he knew her and where she was mentally. And it was, not partially, but heavily influenced by Sandy who unfortunately proved both Lucy and Paulo right. She is nothing but a dream. Everything Mike thinks he knows about her is based on childhood memories and a vision he built around her over the distance and time apart from her. The Sandy he keeps imagining is just that. She isn't real. She's in a whole different world from him and while I do believe she cares for Mike and being with him gives her a sense of normalcy from the model life, that's not what she really wants. At first, it seemed she was forced into that life by her mother who is also her manager (which with a lot of child stars that's usually the case) but Sandy stated that she likes working hard at modeling and getting her gigs down and is immensely proud of it. And there is nothing wrong with that. But just like any career but especially one like modeling it's very demanding and time-consuming and if you're trying to grow and move forward in it there have to be some sacrifices made. Rather it's certain financial luxuries, personal relationships, or educational it has to be done to meet your goals. Now of course if you can balance it all equally then wonderful. But for Sandy she already made her choice, choosing school and work. Because especially in a long-distance relationship sending flowers and texting/calling every few weeks is not sustainable, that's not a relationship. That's just stringing someone along and keeping them on the hook so you have "options". Mike worships her, makes her feel good about herself, makes her feel down to earth, he always apologizes first, and he is always there. Sandy isn't. And until we get more insight into her life, that's really how she is coming across. Because it could be her mother stopping her from contacting Mike or Sandy might like modeling but its not her dream, she's just good at it and doesn't have anything else to fall back on and truly wants to be with Mike but we just don't know that and there haven't been enough details provided us to show us that. And the only reason it's still working is all because of Mike's efforts, not hers. And he is starting to see that. He let himself become blinded and damaged a lot of relationships that could have easily been resolved had he just been honest and upfront about how he felt with people. The gang did suck with picking sides between him and Lucy not knowing just how deep their relationship was nor their problems but Mike AND Lucy not even saying anything to everyone made things worse. Lucy and Paulo are probably the only ones he had really shared things under the surface with. He talked to others like Abbey and Sue but out of everyone, it was only Lucy for the most part that he confided in, who listened to him, and who actually cared about his feelings. Did she blatantly ignore him and cross his boundaries? Oh absolutely. But Mike returned it tenfold which is another reason why their friendship or any sort of romantic relationship would have ended in flames because they had a serious co-dependency on each other, it wasn't just Lucy always leaning on him. And that shit is TOXIC (kind of shown here where it's clear that her opinion does mean something to him, else he wouldn't have said shit to her). So here we are. Lucy came back and is very much not okay. I have no idea if her family is making her go to therapy but she needs to. Because for sure she and Mike can't go back to being friends (at least not now) and she still does care for him and knows Mike isn't a horrible person deep down, he just did some horrible shit just like she has and keeping a distance is what is best for her to move on with her life (unfortunately though it's spread to everyone else since she only seems to fuck with Augustus, which is fair). Yes, his friends were not the best to him but they've accepted responsibility for how they contributed to the problem, Mike needs to do the same and move on. You did a bad thing dude accept it and move on.  (Lucy still kind of needs to reflect on herself and take some responsibility but she gets a pass since she literally almost died.)

[jbuffyangel]

Hi Jen! I know you're a diehard Stelena shipper so here's my question for you with a bit of backstory. I was a hardcore Stelena fan until when Stephan made Elena think he'd drive them off the bridge (3x10?) so she'd let him go. I understand why he did it, but that went too far for me and i couldn't ever ship them again after that. I couldn't get over him forcing her to relive her most traumatic moment, regardless of his reasoning. What are your thoughts on that moment in their relationship?

Yeah, that was a real low point in Stelena’s story. For me, not as low as Stefan drowning in a safe all summer while Elena banged his brother, but still low.

Before we get into this I’m going to just say - every viewer has to draw their own line in the sand. If that moment was your line that’s completely fine. I may have different lines for different shows and characters, but I don’t believe anyone’s lines are more valid than others.

So here’s the way I look at The Vampire Diaries Nonnie - they are all terrible people. Arguing morality with these characters is a black hole. They are all murderers. In fact, if a character runs the straight and narrow for too long Julie Plec & Co. actually went out of their way to make that character do something horrible. 

Case in point - Caroline. Pure sunshine.

She murdered only one person and it was when she was a newbie vamp. By the numbers count Caroline was doing pretty good for TVD. Then she was up on the moral high ground and threw a lot of judgement Damon’s way (well deserved in my opinion). She was extremely anti Delena in Season 4 and was not pleased with Elena’s choices as a vampire. So what did the writers do? They had her kill 12 witches in 4x17. Say goodbye to the moral high ground, Caroline.

That’s the show and you are going to do terrible things if you’re a vampire. Humans like Matt, Jeremy and Bonnie fared better, but each makes morally questionable, if not down right wrong, decisions. Their opinions about vampires and all the murderer was typically correct, but frequently viewed as judgmental by fans.

So what’s my point? Any fan of the love triangle got on board with these relationships with full knowledge the brothers were killers. Just because Stefan was a solid dude when Elena met him didn’t erase the fact he spent the better part of the 1920s ripping people’s heads off. Hell, Damon murdered people while he was dating Elena. Murder is not a deal breaker- either to Elena or Stelena/Delena fans. If Elena was supposed to end up with the most moral person on TVD she should’ve married this blue eyed cupcake.

Stefan (or Damon for that matter) being cruel to Elena didn’t really make me want to peace out on the show or stop shipping their relationship. Just because Elena is the focus of the terrible thing doesn’t suddenly make it more terrible than all the other things Stefan and/or Damon have done.

I’m not going to defend what Stefan did. You are kinder to him than I am because I think it had zip to do with forcing Elena to let him go. Stefan was still on human blood which made him a rage machine. He was pissed at Klaus for destroying his life (rightfully so) and hell bent on revenge. 

Do I believe Stefan, with his humanity switch on, would actually kill Elena? No, which is why I kind of yawned my way through the whole driving her off the bridge plan. Klaus was an idiot for buying it, but the only reason he did was because Elena was terrified. Stefan said her fear sold it. The point was to traumatize her, which makes Stefan an enormous dick. 

And yet, three episodes later he’s off human blood and Elena is begging him to feel something for her. 

This show was ridiculous. Both sides of the love triangle are abusive, co dependent, toxic train wrecks at certain points in the story. Some points last longer than other points, but I’ll side eye any Stelena or Delena fan who argues  differently.

Stefan was faaaaar too “heroic” by The Vampire Diaries standards the first two seasons. In order to make this love triangle a real love triangle Stefan had to be a dick with his humanity switch ON. The whole Ripper/no humanity thing gives him an easy pass. And The Vampire Diaries, for better or worse, was based on the love triangle.

No, in order for Elena to really struggle choosing between the two brothers, and not looking like a loony tune for giving Damon a second look while Stefan was literally the vampire equivalent of Clark Kent, they needed Stefan to go to the dark side. This made Damon step up to the plate and he became the hero in Elena’s life. And we’re off to the races with the love triangle, which was the whole point of Season 3 - ELENA’S CHOICE. If I took a shot every time Elena said, “I don’t know how I feel,” I would’ve permanently damaged my liver.

So why did I keep shipping Stelena after that moment? 

Because I knew what the show was trying to do. Stefan had to do something as terrible as Damon killing Jeremy to even the playing field. 

Do I feel those moments equate? No, but I’m a Stelena fan so that’s not a shock. I own my bias. Bloodaholic Stefan was never going to hurt Elena (no not even turn her into a vampire) whereas Damon literally killed Jeremy. 

I also kept shipping them because I knew this was the low point. I knew good Stefan would start to come back after this. And Stefan, when he’s not ripping heads off, has his humanity switch on, and his blood addiction under control, is one of the best people on that show. Selfless, heroic, warm, compassionate, protective and giving. He’s devoted to Elena and loves her deeply, but he also loves her friends and family. Does Stefan put those people first all the time like Elena wanted him to? No, but he prioritized them a hell of a lot more than Damon. 

I was willing to forgive Stefan for Wickery Bridge because I knew Stefan would feel immense guilt once the haze of revenge lifted and he allowed the full weight of all the things he did hit him. Stefan would punish himself more than I ever could and do everything in his power to make amends because that’s who he is. 

This is the same reason Elena chose Stefan at the end of Season 3. Did he “earn” his redemption by 3x22? No, the dude had been acting good for a total of nine episodes. Well, techinically five if we’re being strict about what constitutes “Good Stefan.” Elena didn’t choose Stefan because of the person he was during Season 3. She chose Stefan because of the man he had been in Season 1 and Season 2. That’s the man she loved and she knew that man had come back. 

But if we’re really being fair - Damon probably deserved to be chosen more than Stefan just based on their behavior in Season 3. Same rules apply for Season 4. Stefan deserved to be chosen more than Damon then.

***Side note. One thing TVD did extremely well was parallels. I loved that she told Stefan on the phone that she loved him in 3x01 and to hold on to that. Then told Damon on the phone that she is choosing Stefan in 3x22. 

(This is also why Elena told Damon she loved him for the first time over the phone. It was to make up for the time she dumped him over the phone and left him for dead. See? They all did crappy stuff to each other CONSTANTLY).

The difference between the brothers is not good and bad. Stefan isn’t entirely good just like Damon isn’t entirely bad. The difference between the two brothers is one fights the good in him while the other fights the bad. Neither are successful in their battles all the time. Stefan did terrible things, with his humanity on, and Damon could be wonderfully heroic and sweet. 

But Damon pushed against that goodness A LOT. Whereas Stefan pushed against his badness A LOT.  I’m not into the bad boys or the anti heroes. I like darkness in my fictional men, but I enjoy watching them fight it and not relish it. 

But I don’t glean any morality from The Vampire Diaries. It was a fantasy show. It’s crap I watched for fun and had pointless, but entertaining, ship debates with strangers on the Internet. Nor do I apply my real world principles to my shipping preferences. I am married to the kindest, gentlest, most moral man I know. I like the goody guys with NO darkness in real life. I would never allow my kid to date a Stefan or Angel or hell not even Oliver Queen in real life. Are you nuts???? THEY MURDERED PEOPLE.

But in my fantasy world, yes I am extremely forgiving. Not unlike Elena Gilbert, Buffy Summers and Felicity Smoak. Oliver Queen is as squeaky clean as I get. It’s a little easier I think with Angel (versus Stefan) because he only did horrible things after he lost his soul, which was not his fault. 

It’s really two personas. I love Angel, but I hated Angelus. I never wanted Buffy to hook up with Angelus. 

Does that erase his responsibility over Jenny Calendar? 

Nope. But simply because I knew Jenny Calendar as a viewer, and Angel was hurting people Buffy loved, doesn’t suddenly make that murder worse than all the others Angelus killed. Just because Buffy didn’t know those people, and they died hundreds of years ago, doesn’t make their lives any less valuable. But I got on board with Buffy dating Angel knowing all that before he lost his soul, so the morality factor didn’t really change after he got his soul back. Make sense?

It’s similar with Stefan. Stefan and The Ripper are two personas, but TVD liked to muddy the water a little more than Whedon with the humanity switch - a grey area. But in general I divide his character into two selves. 

Now, in real life if I was on a jury these guys would be serving 25 to life. But this is fantasy. Vampires don’t really exist. Teenage girls don’t date men over 110 years old. It’s illegal.

Characters like Stefan and Angel are an allegory. They represent the struggle between good and evil that live within all of us. The writers use vampirism to represent our sinful nature. The human struggle to be good and battle against our (hopefully) lower scale darkness/sins is the only real moral lesson I apply. That and always put Paul Wesley in a white tank top.

So, that’s how I look at that scene Nonnie. As I said before it is completely fine for that to be the moment you stopped shipping Stelena. I never stopped shipping Stelena and I never will, which is why they are one of my OTPs. They are a tragic story, but I will always love them. Despite all of Stefan’s terrible mistakes, I will always believe he was the best choice Elena ever made.

[supernatural-freek]

Reset

Dean x Sister!Reader, Sam x Sister!Reader

Synopsis: See, Dean knows he’s a quick thing. People get sick of him, want him to go away.  Sammy is his rock, and even he has his limits. So why should Cas be any damn different?

(Not set in any season, but it’s after Michael. Castiel has his mojo back, full power and everything.)

NOTE: I am so fucking sorry there’s been such a delay in posting. I know I have a few requests to do, but I haven’t been in a great place lately. It’s not an excuse, and I’ll try and pick back up again. I’m sorry!

MASTERLIST

.

Sam Winchester is fluent in the language of his brother, despite whatever bullshit Dean says. It’s probably something in the way they grew up, something about co-dependency and fear and hellhounds and sacrifice.

Whatever. Sam knows Dean in a way that nobody else ever will.

Which is why Sam knows Dean is scared shitless.

It’s a subtle thing, so Dean does get some credit, but Sam can see it in every wince, shudder, smile. He’s flighty, skittish in a way he hasn’t really been since Hell. He grips the steering wheel too tight and he sings too loudly, and sometimes he looks to Sam as though to check he’s doing everything the way he should.

The nightmares have picked up too. It’s hard not to hear them, not when Dean screams sometimes. Sam can only grit is teeth and pretend he’s not listening, because he knows that Dean doesn’t want him there to wake him up.

It goes against everything in Sam, etting Dean suffer, but Dean had made him promise and Sam doesn’t like to break his promises.

So yes, Sam figures out pretty quickly that his brother is terrified. It’s scary, unnerving. Despite everything they’ve been through, Sam knows that he’s still clinging onto the belief that his older brother is never scared of anything.

It takes him much, much longer to figure out what it is that leaves Dean with a wild look of panic on his face every time he’s left alone with the shadows.

When he does understand, it breaks his heart.

.

Dean knows he isn’t worth shit.

He might’ve been important to the world once, before he broke the first seal, or before he chose Sam over humanity again and again and again. He’s twisted now, broken and mangled and oozing the kind of darkness that comes with bitter survival.

Anyway, he knows that people get sick of him. Dad did, and that's why he left all those years ago. Cas has left too many times to get and fuck, even Sam’s eft him. That’s Dean Winchester’s claim to fame. People leave him.

It’s whatever. He’s learned to deal with it. There’s no need to paste his bleeding heart on his sleeve and cry. That’s not the kind of life he leads. He’s past that now, and he keeps his toxic shit to himself, and he fucking deals.

But the nightmares, oh the nightmares.

He hasn’t dreamt of Hell for a long time. How can he when there are other horrors, other mistakes, other losses? But there are nights when his skin is peeling, and his chest is flooding, and Alastair laughs somewhere in the darkness. It’s Hell and it hurts and he’s scared and he begs for someone to deem him worthy.

In his dreams, Cas doesn’t rescue him. In his dreams, Cas stands by and he watches.

It’s so fucking stupid. Dean can’t tell anyone. He wakes up with a raw throat, and he locks it all up nice and tight, cramming it into that space that held MIchael. That room is getting a little crammed, but dammit, it’s Dean’s head. He makes the rules.

Deep down, he knows why he’s dreaming of Hell again. He knows why Cas is making a guest star appearance. Dean fucking knows, okay?

It’s stupid. He’s stupid. It’s fine.

Tonight, Alastair has wings. They’re twisted, horrid things, all tangled and knotted and rotten. They’re almost beautiful. They’re the colour of blood. They’re as sharp as razors, and Dean whimpers as those gnarly wings gently slip under his skin and reach down to his bones.

The wings are black. Dean’s always imagined that Cas’s wings are black.

“Oh Dean,” Alastair murmurs almost lovingly, pacing a gentle hand on Dean’s cheek. “How I’ve missed you. Haven’t you missed me?”

Dean gathers enough strength to spit. Alastair cackles. The wings dig deeper. Cas’s laugh echoes somewhere beyond them. “Let me out,” Dean says. “This is a dream. Let me out.”

“Your angel is watching,” Alastair says, which is worse than him saying no. The wings dig deeper and Dean doesn’t die and when he wakes up, he can hear Cas in his ear, telling him that, “I dragged you out of Hell. I can throw you back in.”

Dean blinks and Cas disappears, as though he was never there. Dean’s almost certain that the voice was part of his imagination. There’s doubt, though. Alastair’s words are almost uncomfortable enough to be true. 

‘Your angel is watching.’

Watching the torture, or watching him sleep?

Dean shudders and wipes at his skin, pressing on his wrist. He won’t admit that he’s searching for the cuts Alastair’s just given him. He finds nothing but his own pulse, thumping away far too rapidly. It’s only normal now. The rapid beat is born of fear, of lingering anxiety that Cas will get sick of him and make good on his threat. He has enough power now, after all.

Dean doesn’t want to go back to Hell. 

He stands up, shaking away the blankets, and he goes to the bathroom for some brooding time. There’s nothing quite as angsty as staring at himself in the mirror with a dark look, lips pursed. He stares into his own tired eyes, and he hears himself screaming, and then he hears Cas promising to throw him back down there.

He hates being scared of his angel, but Hell is a trauma he will never be free from. The dreams are starting to blur the lines. Dean is struggling to remember that Hell and Alastair and Cas aren’t the same thing.

Frustrated, Dean turns away from his reflection, padding over to Sam’s room and cracking open the door. His brother isn’t quite asleep, he’s too relaxed to be unconscious, but to his credit he says nothing when Dean sticks his head in. Sam just breathes strongly and evenly. Dean feels something settle inside him.

He knows that Sam knows that something is going on, but there must be something that tells Sam not to ask. Dean is pathetic like that. It’s whatever. Dean knows it’s fucked that he can’t talk about this, but John had said that emotions were a weakness that would get you killed, and god help him, Dean had tried to stick by that.

Sammy didn’t need Dean’s crap on his shoulders. Sammy had his own crap. 

Dean turns away, closes the door, and goes back to bed.

.

Castiel waits until Dean has closed his bedroom door before he comes out from around the corner. 

He’d come because Dean had been pleading. Not verbally, but in prayer. He’d been wailing and begging for Cas to save him, to forgive him, to not throw him back into Hell. His pleading had morphed into terrified hysteria when Cas had tried to calm him with a touch of grace.

It rubs something raw inside him, Dean’s fear. Usually, Cas can comfort and soothe, because Dean’s fears are usually rooted in something else. Something Cas can’t control. John. Mary. Sam. Hell. Angels.

He’s never been afraid of Cas before, not like this. 

Cas saw Alastair’s mockery of wings. They’d looked like a rotten version of Cas’s own.

It’s a horrible thing, Dean’s fear. Castiel has never really been on the receiving end. Dean’s been apprehensive of him, confused by him, angry at him. But never scared of him, not fully. Not completely. Not like this.

Cas never should have threatened him with Hell. He never should have let Heaven do that to him, never should have been so naive and helpless and stupid. Dean Winchester is scared of Hell, and now his subconscious is telling him to be scared of Cas.

He doesn’t want Dean to be scared of him.

He doesn’t want Dean to think Cas will throw him in Hell.

Cas worries at his fingers, settles down against Dean’s bedroom door, and he waits for morning to come. 

He’ll talk to Sam tomorrow.

.

Dean isn’t bound this time. Alastair sits beside him on the bed, smiling. His eyes are blue, like Cas’s. He says, “Welcome back, Dean. Your angel is watching again. I can feel him.”

‘I’ll watch over yo-’

‘I can throw you back in.’

Dean bites his bottom lip and closes his eyes and wishes to wake up. Alastair hums lowly, leaning down and blowing gently on Dean’s face. It burns. 

“You’re already awake, Dean. Your angel is watching, but you’re already awake.”

.

Tonight is one of the nights that Dean screams.

[your-localghost]

When Do You Hit Rock Bottom?

inspiration only comes when im very very sad, here you go

CW: Cigarettes, Anxiety Attack (doesn’t go into detail), Self-esteem Issues and over all depression

Character(s): Micha, Maiden (mentioned)

Word Count: 1707

Once you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. 

To him, it seemed like he was falling in a bottomless pit.

He never expected it to be easy, not really. Starting from the first day he saw his middle school classmates to the current day. If he has to be honest he can’t really find a difference between the two. His peers still look at him the same. They still have his name in their mouths as daily gossip. They avoid him just like they did years ago. 

He can’t say he’s lonely. He thinks it would be selfish of him to say that when he is on a call with his best friend daily. He has friends, of course they are his friends. That would be the one difference from years ago. He smiles as his friend tells another joke. He laughs when another joins in with some playful banter. He giggles as he adds his own snarky remark.

The words will never leave his mouth but he loves them. He loves all of his friends and he is thankful for them each passing day. And they try their best, he knows they try their best but it never truly feels like they understand. He is surrounded by friends, yet he feels alone. 

He holds his feelings close to himself, he never had an intention of sharing them until now. Never thought people would truly care enough about him to know. It feels strange to know people expect him to be so honest now after he was told countless times to never show his true self. People would dislike him if he did, abandon him in mere seconds. 

He knows his friends aren’t like that. He feels like he should guilty for thinking they would do that, he doesn’t.

It is always a matter of ‘should’ for him. He should know how to communicate, he should help out other people, he should stop taking notes, he should feel guilty. He never did, however. When he was once again sitting in front of his mother as she talked to him with sincere care and love in her voice, he had to repeat to rules to himself. He should talk, he should feel bad, he should…

“You should talk about your feelings,” She says. He doesn’t think before he speaks, makes an angry comment about her horrible parenting that he doesn’t particularly remember and storms off to his room. He sees his little sister on the way, she seems concerned. His door shuts with a loud thud as he loses the energy to keep himself up. He can’t remember what he said to his mom, he doesn’t remember why he got so angry when he knew she actually cared. He knows he hurt her. He should feel bad. He doesn’t. 

He feels like he is suffocating in his small room. The walls are too close, the light is too bright, the air is too hot. He feels the pain spread from behind his eyes to his forehead. His eyes are heavy and they sting when another tear rolls down his face. He can’t keep a coherent thought yet his head feels like it’s about to explode. 

He should be okay, he should be smiling, he should be happy. After years and years of living with the exact same thoughts, he has no idea how to deal with them. He doesn’t know why he got angry, he doesn’t know why he is currently falling apart, he doesn’t know why he isn’t happy. 

Others made it seem so easy. As if in a night’s miracle they changed from miserable to glowing. He knows people like that. People who got wronged by the world yet decided it was still good enough for them to decide to help them. He knows people with sadness yet kindness in their heart. He knows they made that choice to be a good human being despite life dragging them to the rock bottom. He should be like those people. He isn’t. 

He isn’t the sunshine after the storm, he isn’t the light at the end of the tunnel. He is a teenager who went through way too fucking much. It’s not pretty. It’s not flowers and drawings. It’s not poetry and photography. It’s worrying people will never truly care about him, it’s knowing he is the worst person alive, it’s knowing he doesn’t deserve any of his friends yet selfishly talking to them every single day. 

He is suffocating in his room, everything is too much in his house. He knows it’s cold outside, he knows his parents will be worried, he knows it’s dangerous. There is no good reason for him to leave his house and he should feel bad for being so careless. He doesn’t.

He leaves the house.

It’s cold but refreshing. There’s no blinding light or suffocating atmosphere. He can finally hear his own thoughts. They are telling him to go back to the house, so he ignores them completely. 

It feels weird to walk alone in the dark again. For the last few months, he always had someone with him to joke around with. They were still a bunch of teenagers of course and their guardians would be mad at them the next day. They never cared about that, though. Their only concern had always been the lack of cigarettes or an acceptable ID to buy them. 

He wants company. He needs company. But his thoughts are clawing at him again and he doesn’t want to bother them. Above all rumours, Micha knows he is a bad friend. He is toxic, he doesn’t think about his sentences and he hurts people to get a reaction out of them. He doesn’t deserve his friends. He doesn’t deserve company. He knows that in time, he will end up hurting them and make them regret ever saying ‘hello’ to him. Calling them and putting them in danger by offering to hang out is selfish, he shouldn’t do that.

He lights up a cigarette. He has gotten concerningly good at sneaking them out from his dad’s pockets when he isn’t paying attention. He doesn’t seem to notice a couple of cigarettes missing and Micha has no intention to stop anytime soon. It’s a bad habit but it isn’t the worst habit he has. In his mind, he knows it started because a friend offered to him one night. He can’t help but wonder if he picked up from his old best friend. 

He is painfully aware that he is exactly what she wanted him to be. Cold, aggressive, co-dependent, manipulative. He wonders what she would think of him. He wonders if she would take him in his arms again and tell him she cares, if she would listen carefully and understand why he is the way he is. He shouldn’t miss her, he knows she doesn’t care. 

Objectively, becoming her best friend would be the lowest point of his life. He was helpless, alone, scared. Yet it still seemed like he was truly understood during that time. She never told him that he ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’, she didn’t try to change him and always told him that she loved him no matter what he did. He felt loved, he felt understood, he felt happy. It was all manipulation. He is aware. 

He wouldn’t call it a rock bottom. It actually felt as if his life had changed for the worst when he cut off ties. He never felt understood, he never felt loved. He feels like he has to change for those things to happen and that makes him feel icky. A kind, optimistic, light-hearted version of him wouldn’t be him at all. There would be no honesty behind his actions, no one would love ‘him’ but the version of himself he created. He knew from experience. 

He never felt like he ever actually hit rock bottom in his life, he is sure it needs to happen at some point for him to finally have some hope in himself. Still, he fears for the day it might happen. He doesn’t know what would happen if he hit rock bottom. He was already mean, manipulative, toxic… He knows himself enough to know he wouldn’t be able to get up from rock bottom. He could barely make it through normal ups and downs. 

He shivers when another breeze hits him and he stops in his tracks. He was only wearing long-sleeves and a jacket. He knows he should make his way back home. He dreads it. He is going to be greeted by his mother and father worried about him. He is going to explain to his sister why he had to run away again. He will be back in his room, suffocating. 

It’s not his family’s fault. Well, not his close family anyways. They try their best in the short amount of time they’re home. They smile at him, they make jokes, they love him and he loves them back with all his heart. He still feels bitter when they have to leave for work. He knows they try hard to support him while he is going through tough times. He feels angry they weren’t there to prevent it in the first place. He wants to tell them. He wants to spill everything out so that they could try taking a step in the right direction. Sometimes he just wants to hug his mom and cry in her arms.  

He stops himself before any of that happens. There is still a barrier between him and other people. He knows that no matter how hard he or they try, they won’t understand. He wants people to care about him and not the mask he has on. He wants to be accepted as the toxic person he is instead of constantly being pushed to be someone he is not. He misses being hugged. He misses feeling understood. He misses being happy. He misses his best friend. 

She doesn’t miss her chance. His phone buzzes right as he is about to ring the bell. The light of his lock screen illuminates his face as he squints to read the notification. 

Maiden has sent you a message.

[co-mixed]

TROS: what is “toxic” really?

We are here to talk relationships, so that’s what we are going to do.

After The Rise of Skywalker it’s hard to understand what the guys over at DLF were going for, and we’re barely getting any comments from them. There is an “everybody’s right” line from JJ Abrams himself (cool way to protect your artistic vision), and the “Reylo is toxic” bit that some well respected people are apparently going for along with a few journalists.

Yesterday I read a long article on the matter. A writer went on and on about the toxic elements in Rey/Kylo dynamic, and which, even while disagreeing, I won’t deny. This made me absolutely sure that this is exactly the path DLF are going to follow so that they could calm the people down. It’s fair, it’s something I would have done, if I’d messed up. It’s a business decision.

There is also a certain writer on twitter, who’s made people’s reaction sound like it’s all about the looks. Nice conversation-starter, ill timing.

What is TROS trying to be?

But let’s back away a bit, and see where did it all go wrong. George Lucas, while exploring some darker aspects in storytelling, has also stated multiple times that Star Wars is a fairy tale, and it’s target audience is kids (yes, the same kids Disney made cry before Christmas. If you think about, that sounds like a very evil masterplan). The sequel trilogy followed the tropes up until TROS, where it suddenly became a horror/psychological thriller. This is a 180 you don’t normally do at the end.

Fairy tales, Disney fairy tales, in fact, have always managed to deliver a happy ending. “Beauty and the Beast” that comes into mind, is one of these cases. Also, there is “Little Mermaid”, and don’t get me started on a classic Hugo story. That one didn’t end well for anyone, but they changed that, because Disney does not kill, but finds a way around it.

A-ha, one might say, what about Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff earlier this year? However, I got that covered too — Marvel canon is Earth 616 with an infamous revolving door. I mean, Jean Grey is back, what do you think?

So what is it with TROS? Are we supposed to take it as a fairy tale with a grim finale, or we just accept that we’re forced to grow up? Because let me tell you, I pay taxes, and that’s as much growing up as I need. We watch Star Wars to satisfy our inner (or actual) children. My inner child got Christmas, birthday and New Year’s ruined all at once. Can’t imagine the emotions of actual kids, but the news are very devastating.

We view relationships in fairy tales very differently

That is a fact. Because otherwise, any relationship can be called “toxic” (I’ve come to despise this word in the last week, I actively want to retire this word but here it is). I mean instincts tell us to protect ourselves first, love forces us to protect others even if it means that we get hurt. On a biological level this is a form of instability. Every couple has issues, just not all of them has the massive galactic battle behind them to up the stakes.

Tony Stark and Pepper Potts are in a so-called toxic dynamic, that is not only co-dependent, but grew out of workplace harassment.

Han and Leia were at each other throats for years, and I’m pretty sure she punched him at some point (her blaster was also aimed at his head more than once).

Emma Frost used therapy to get to Scott Summers, while he was very much married to Jean Grey.

But every one of this relationships had time to work through the issues.

You get where I am going with it? Any fictional love can be described by this damn word. FICTIONAL, and I can’t stress this enough.

But if you want to go for a book level of depth, you don’t do it in a fairy tale. You don’t turn a conflicted, complicated dynamic into a haunting image of how love just dies (my diagnosis is still horrible writing).

You at least give an open ending, when there is still a chance. Which is what hope is, it’s a chance. Anything could happen, just give it time.

The lesson kids get out from it, is not how you shouldn’t attempt to manipulate somebody’s feelings. And we can argue for hours about if that’s what’s really was going on there. In fact, unless you use the whole expanded material, you don’t get a proper vote on the matter. 

The lesson kids do get in the end, is “Sometimes you just die”. Nice Christmas message.

So, if DLF is trying to pedal this idea of a toxic (I swear it’s the last time) relationship, don’t buy it. Star Wars is a very different world from our own. A world people run to to escape from reality. Otherwise, non of the fairy tales have a leg to stand on.

[the-desolated-quill]

Joker - Quill’s Quickies (No Spoilers)

Joker is proving to be an extremely divisive film. Some think it’s the best thing since The Dark Knight. Proof that comic book movies can be art too. Others think it’s pretentious Oscar bait with nothing interesting to say.

And that’s not to mention the controversy surrounding the film as people wonder whether this will incite violence in white men (which I’m not going to touch with a barge pole, at least not here. I’ll do a separate Scribble for that sheer nonsense at some point). Needless to say everyone and their mums have an opinion on Joker... so I guess one more, won’t hurt.

Whether you like Joker or not I think depends on your tolerance for a) films that deliberately set out to make you feel uncomfortable and b) films that ask you to feel pity for the devil. (and I want you to remember that word ‘pity.’ It’ll be important later on). Personally, I loved Joker. I think it’s one of the most unique and groundbreaking comic book films I’ve ever seen. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. I can actually understand why to a certain extent. However don’t try to spin this as some ideological thing because that’s just disingenuous and stupid.

Lets start with the obvious. Joaquin Phoenix. Give this guy a fucking Oscar, for the love of God! His performance was truly mesmerising, particularly when he does finally don the full clown makeup. He is the Joker. The mannerisms, the attitude, the nihilism, it all just works. There’s even a monologue near the end of the film that could have been lifted straight out of the comics. This is a film that not only depicts the Joker perfectly, but also completely understands the character too.

The rest of the cast is exceptional too. Robert de Niro plays a chat show host who Joker looks up to and he does a good job. Deadpool 2′s Zazie Beetz plays a small but pivotal role as Sophie, Joker’s next door neighbour and ‘love interest’ and she’s excellent too despite having quite a small amount of screen time. Frances Conroy plays Joker’s mum Penny. Again a relatively small role, but a crucial one and she gives a memorable performance. Finally there’s Brett Cullen as a very different interpretation of Bruce Wayne’s father Thomas Wayne, which I think works extremely well in the context of this film and creates exciting possibilities for this world’s version of Batman, which we’ll probably never get to see because this is intended as a one off. Not that I’m complaining. I wouldn’t want them to do a sequel. This works perfectly as a standalone piece.

As I said, the supporting cast actually play a minor role overall as the film follows Arthur Fleck exclusively. The man who would be Joker. It’s a bit hard to talk about why I think this film works without giving away spoilers, so I’ll focus on how it made me feel.

Joker is an extremely tense movie. Todd Phillips’ stellar direction puts you in the mindset of the character and Hildur Guonadottir’s incredible music really elevates the film’s more disturbing moments. In fact (and I suppose you could call this a trigger warning), I did actually suffer from an anxiety attack halfway through the film because you’re constantly on a knife edge. As Arthur’s life falls apart, we see him become more violent and erratic to the point where he becomes legitimately frightening. Fear is of course subjective. I’m sure most of you have more of a spine than I do. But if you do suffer from any kind of anxiety, I would recommend psyching yourself up before you watch this and maybe have a friend or relative on hand to comfort you if it starts to get a bit much.

Seriously, I’m not kidding. Joker is an extremely uncomfortable experience and it’s unrelenting in how grim and unsettling it is. It’s R rated, but it’s not necessarily gory. It’s not as violent as, say, Deadpool, but its more bloody moments often come rather suddenly and with a lot of tense buildup beforehand. While it does bear similarities to movies like Taxi Driver and The King Of Comedy, those films have the audience on the outside looking in. Joker on the other hand takes the audience and locks them inside the Clown Prince of Crime’s mind for two hours straight, and quelle surprise, it turns out the inside of Joker’s mind is fucking horrible. Viewer beware.

Okay, okay. I guess I can’t avoid it altogether. Do I think this film is dangerous? No. Do I think it insults those with mental health issues? No, in fact quite the opposite. I found the film to be quite sympathetic towards the mentally ill, presenting Arthur as being a dark outlier, not the norm. Do I think the film is making some sort of political statement. Again no. I honestly don’t think it’s saying anything about white people or toxic masculinity or gun violence or anything like that. In fact, if it is saying anything at all, it condemns those who seek to hijack a public figure for their own political agenda (which ironically is exactly what the press are doing with this very movie, but of course critics and journalists can’t see that because they have no self awareness what so bloody ever). The film is what it is. An extremely dark character study of arguably the most famous villain of all time.

Some have criticised the film as being too predictable, which I personally don’t think is a particularly valid critique. Like, yeah, of course it’s predictable. We all know what’s going to happen in the end. The fucking title kind of gives it away. It’s execution that counts, and Phillips and co have done a fantastic job in my opinion. As for those who complained that this film is cynical and nasty and made them feel numb afterwards... I mean... I honestly don’t know what you were expecting. Of course you’re feeling numb. That’s what the film wants you to feel. It’s cynical and nasty because the central character is cynical and nasty. That’s like criticising a comedy for being funny.

Honestly, if I had any complaints, it’s that I think they do paint the story with broad strokes, leaving very little room for subtlety. But having said that, this is based on a comic book about a billionaire who fights psychotic costumed criminals at night whist dressed as a bat. I don’t think subtlety has much of a place here.

Finally I just want to briefly touch on the concern that this film might make the character too sympathetic. First of all, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Some villains can actually become scarier when we as an audience can empathise with them and understand their motives (see Killmonger in Black Panther). Second, and most importantly, Arthur Fleck/Joker is not a sympathetic character. Yes I did feel pity for him at times, but that’s not the same thing as sympathy. Like I said, this film completely understands the Joker. There are occasions where you do feel sad for the character and wish he could have got the right help, but most of the time (and the film emphasises this throughout) he’s presented as being a deeply disturbed and maladjusted individual and at no point is his behaviour ever justified. Instead it’s presented as being almost inevitable. That in a city as terrible as Gotham, what else could Arthur have become? Joker is a tragic character, but he’s not in anyway likeable.

I would definitely recommend you go and see this movie, especially if, like me, you’ve gotten sick of the slew of formulaic comic book movies and convoluted shared universes. If Joker is indeed going to be the first of an anthology series focusing on telling low budget, character driven, standalone, experimental films, then it’s a very strong start. Whether you liked Joker or not, the fact of the matter is the success of this movie can only mean good things for Warner Bros, DC, the comic book movie genre and the industry going forward, so please go and see this film.

[purplesurveys]

578

A relationship survey because meh why not, and also to take a quick break from all the randoms.

Are you currently in a relationship? Yeup.

How many relationships have you been in? Two, technically. But I’ve only ever been with one person. Have you ever cheated on someone before? Nope. Have you ever been cheated on before? I know she never has. Do you think you've ever been in love? Sure. I mean I don’t throw that phrase around a lot because I think it’s a little cheesy, but yes I have felt that way and do feel that way.

Has anyone you've ever dated, died? No. That’d be a little unfortunate, given that I’ve only dated one person. Would you be in a friends-with-benefits relationship? If there is ever a polar opposite of demisexuality, that ^ would be it. Do you believe in love at first sight? I personally am not a big fan of the concept; but if that’s what some people feel, I don’t judge or mind them.. Has anyone ever written you a song or poem? Gab has written me poems in the past. But I associate those times with a period of my life that was very melancholic, so I don’t really ask her to continue writing me poems these days. Back then, those were my only reasons to stay alive. What is the most romantic thing someone has done for you? My love language is acts of service, so I’ve always appreciated it when she did things I’d be uncomfortable to do myself, like ordering in restaurants or asking gas station attendants to put air in my tires. Do you think anyone currently loves you? Yes. Do you believe you can love more than one person at once? It happens. Have you ever been proposed to? No. Have you ever proposed to anyone? Nope. I’m not the kind of person in a relationship to do it myself hahaha. Have you ever been married? No, I have not. Would you like to be married someday? Yes. Do you plan on having any children with someone? Yeah, I want kids. My girlfriend knows that, too. Would you consider a long-distance relationship? I can consider it but I know myself well enough that I probably can’t handle one. What is your favorite thing about being in a relationship? I’m not a very clingy or showy person even with close friends, so it’s nice to have someone I can be 101% comfortable and be myself with. The feeling of loving is great too, so. It’s nice to be there for someone and care for them and listen to how their day went and to have days where the two of you like just get coffee in silence and yet feel completely happy and at peace with them. Have you ever broken up with someone? I wasn’t the one who broke up with them, but yes I’ve had a relationship end. Do you think everyone has a soulmate? I never knew what a ‘soulmate’ is supposed to mean, so I never cared enough to think about whether I think I have one or not. Do you believe you've already met your soulmate? What is the nicest thing a S.O. has said to you before? Whenever I feel like I’m relapsing, she always tells me that she has seen my growth over the last three years and that I’m a completely changed person from the one I used to be, back when I was lost, hurt myself, and cried everyday. Usually, hearing that from her is able to calm me down enough. Have you ever lived with a S.O. before? No. I wouldn’t want to do that until we’re both more than financially capable. What is your sexuality? Demisexual, meaning I only feel attraction when I’ve already established a close, emotional bond/friendship with someone. Some ~tendencies common among demis is that they never get instant crushes, dating apps aren’t really an option, and they wouldn’t know how to approach first dates, especially blind ones. Do you believe you are a good S.O.? I have my slip-ups, but I think I’ve been doing a good job. What are some of your favorite pet names? That’s between me and her, lmao. Have you ever been on a vacation with a S.O.? Nah, we’re both broke. I’m excited for the day we get on our first one. Are you a virgin? No. If not, where did you lose your virginity? A little invasive, but I guess I signed up for that when I took this survey. It was in a hotel room. Were you in love with the person you lost it to? Yes. Would you consider having an open relationship? Never. Do you consider yourself a jealous person? I can be, but mostly it’s jealousy towards people who I know could possibly be cooler than me and give my girlfriend a better time than I could. Could you ever date someone who was jealous? I kind of am. Gabie’s always been wary of boys who might be interested in me, but she’s never overbearing or abusive about it. I get it though; guys can be jerks. What qualities are you looking for in a S.O.? Qualities don’t matter as much when you’re demi, I think. I’ve noticed that the people I’ve taken interest in are quite smart, though. Have you ever told someone you love them first? I’m not sure if I was the first one. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was. What is the most important quality in a relationship to you? Trust or time. How old would you like to be when you get married, if ever? 27 or 28, maybe. I’ll be fine with waiting until I’m 32 or 33, but that’s super super super pushing it already haha. Would you consider dating a friend's ex? I doubt I’d the kind of person who would consider this. How would you feel if a friend dated your ex? I’d avoid them, probably. Just to avoid the weirdness. I’d probably enjoy their company individually, but I’m not sure about seeing them together. Do you prefer forehead kisses or cheek kisses? In our case, cheek kisses because we’re about the same height. How many people have broken your heart before? In any way, not just romantically? I can count three. What is the worst way you've ever been dumped? Through a letter, and just before I was meant to go on a 5-day retreat far away from home. Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? Yes. What is your preferred body type in a S.O.? I don’t have any. Who was the last person you kissed? Gab. Have you ever dated someone who was married? I have not. Would you ever consider helping someone cheat on their S.O.? ?????????????????? What is your ideal date? I like doing new things! Bowling, shooting, archery, ice skating, etc. Then it would be perfect to end it with a cute dinner. Would you prefer to date someone more funny or serious? Maybe serious. I’m quite serious as well, so I don’t want to potentially bore them with my quiet demeanor; and at the same time I don’t want to be pressured to be funny so I can keep up with them. Gab and I individually manage to be a bit of both when we’re together, so it’s perfect. Do you think that one person should pay for dates or both? That differs for every couple, honestly. I know so many couples where they take turns treating each other. But Gab and I have always split the bill. It’s just fairest that way lmao. What is a pet peeve about dating that you have? I’ve never been able to digest how people would want to move in after like 5 weeks of dating. To each their own, but still. Do you think you are too picky about relationships? No. Have you ever broken up with someone via text message? No, that sounds horrible. Have you ever had a friend steal a S.O. from you? Erycka wasn’t a friend but she did steal Gab from me all the time, cos they liked a lot of the same things like Star Wars and Doctor Who. It got to the point where people thought THEY were the ones dating because they were always together, so of course it pissed me off and I’ve never liked her since. Have you ever had two people fight over you before? I don’t think so. Do you prefer being called babe or baby? Baby; we don’t use babe a lot. What is your favorite memory of a S.O. or ex? A few weeks ago we had a talk on one of the benches in my school’s track oval. For around 2-3 hours we just mulled over the future - the great, the bad, the ugly that could potentially come out of it. It wasn’t a talk with rainbows and candy, and in fact was as blunt as it could get. But we knew we needed that talk someday, so when we felt it coming up we dove in headfirst. We were accompanied by cars passing by, joggers occasionally running by, and pretty yellow street lights that illuminated the area. It was nice. When you're in a bad mood, do you want your S.O. to help or leave you alone? It differs for me. I can ask for either depending on my mood. How important is sex to you in a relationship? Quite important. Do you think celebrating Valentine's Day is corny? Not really, but I’m not crazy about it either. What is the best relationship advice someone has given you? I don’t think I listened to any of the advice given to me three years ago hahajhshjksdsf Do you need alone time in a relationship? Yep, I just asked for a whole day to myself yesterday because I wasn’t feeling well. Are you friends with any of your exes? What is a relationship deal breaker for you? It used to be smoking but I waived that since I started vaping lmao. Idk I haven’t really thought about this for a while now because for the longest time it was smoking hahaha. Drugs maybe?