#It has done irreversible things to my brain

[iyuray]

Low quality ray fanart

[yuritxrt]

Starceline the vampire queen 🌟

[starcastic-artificer]

AUGHHHHHH I'M SO INSANE BUT I'M SO SO SO TIRED

[anto-pops]

Very very desperate for more Auror!Seb.. UGH that's so hot!!

It is isn't it... the concept of him in a uniform is just *chef's kiss*

I'll definitely work the Auror angle some more in my future wips ! I don't think I could stop myself from revisiting the idea if I tried LMAO

[serpentmessmer]

there's this severe problem whenever i see daryl where i'm like "i know he's supposed to be badass but.......but that's sam, mommy's specialest little pack mule who rocks his weird baby in the middle of the wilderness"

[justheblueberry]

handbinding of A Study in Scarlette by kittebasu

There are people who want to live forever, and then there is Shinichi, who just wants to live a little longer than this.

this bind has been in my head since i first read the fic like, three years ago. i dreamed up so many ideas for it, for so long, and now it's finally done! the typeset was actually done in early 2022, back when i was still using google docs, but it went through a few iterations because i was just. so. fiddly. with every aspect of this book. it needed to be perfect (as close to perfect as i, an amateur bookbinder out of my depth, can get) and it had to be absolutely over the top, to reflect the insane amount of love and care that the author put into the fic itself.

the first time i read this fic, i barely knew what detective conan was, much less all of the intricate plot details; i was just along for the ride, but by the end i was completely invested. i went back and watched through the anime as well as a few movies (it took me six months) and then read the fic again. and then a few more times. kaishin and the world of dcmk has utterly gripped me. it's 100% this fic's fault and i love it so, so, much.

i went through a few iterations of visual designs and i'm really happy with the little details i managed to squeeze in.

the entire color scheme is based around red, because 1) it's a murder mystery, 2) for scarlette shinamoto (and the title of the fic as well as the original holmes novel it references), and 3) the irony of "lady red" actually being red. the secret fourth reason is that i think red/gold is a super sexy color combo.

i sewed the textblock with red thread to reference holmes' "scarlet thread of murder".

another detail i love is the five yen coin bookmark, it was one of my first ideas and it turned out even better than i thought.

i wanted the endpapers to evoke a sense of the white marbled floor of the ballroom, with the glow-in-the-dark kaitou kid caricature being the luminol on the floor, and the little pops of red looks like blood that's been mixed in. i lucked out in that the other side of the endpaper was like a lavender-purpley color, i like to think of it as a little wink wink nudge to the color of the actual Lady Red.

the chapter pages got a few reworkings, but i'm happy with the illustrations i ended up doing for each of them. the chapter titles are one of my favorite things about the fic, each one has so much meaning packed into it and flows so beautifully, and i wanted to put as much care into making them pop as possible.

the cover was a linocut carving i designed and carved, which i then printed onto the bookcloth, and ironed on htv on top.

i also threw in a couple of my drawings of my favorite scenes.

this is getting way too long, so i'll end it here. i'll have a separate post detailing the process every step of the way, if anyone wants to take a closer look. this fic is kind of directly responsible for getting me into fanbinding, so it's safe to say it altered the course of my life. i now spend way too much time (and money) looking at book stuff.

kittebasu, if, somehow, you see this and would like an author copy, i would be honored to make one and ship it to you; i would be overjoyed to gift you with any art i have the ability to make, because the fics you wrote have irreversibly altered my brain chemistry, and being able to give back in any capacity would be a dream. (thank you.)

a few postscripts:

i am not selling any copies of this fic. partially because i believe in the gift economy of fandom as well as firmly keeping fanbinding a hobby that will stay unmonetized, but also because it took me months (years, if we are counting when i first finished the typeset) to finish this and i do not have the strength.

however, if you are also a fan of this fic and would like a copy, i honestly, fervently, encourage you to give fanbinding a try! renegade publishing and its discord server are an absolutely wonderful and free resource. i knew nothing about bookbinding and had zero materials when i first started, but i've learned so much thanks to the lovely people there. if you're still apprehensive about getting started, i'd be willing to share my typeset of this fic as well as answer any questions about the making of this book if you DM me.

[mothwingwritings]

WOW!!! I LOVED "The Innocent Act Of Dredging Up The Past", IT WAS VERY GOOD!

I wonder how Y/N reacted when she found out she was pregnant and how Fox allowed herself to keep the baby because he doesn't seem like someone who likes sharing attention.

Thank you so much darling!!! I am so glad you asked me this because I have been thinking about Ren as a father nonstop since that request. My brain has been full of many thoughts and opinions and I am happy to have an outlet for sharing lol. That being said, forgive my blathering. ^^;

(18+ and warnings for noncon, pregancy/baby birthing talk, incredibly unhealthy relationships, abuse, and being kidnapped/held against your will.)

Being impregnated by Ren would be absolutely dreadful for you, causing you to spiral into a pit of fear and despair the moment you miss a period or begin to feel queasy in the morning. With the signs starting to show, your brain comes to the instant conclusion that you are with child-his child, and it frightens you like nothing else before. At first you try and convince yourself nothing is wrong, that you are probably just late due to stress, and your upset stomach can be any number of things, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are pregnant. Any of your symptoms can be explained away by something else, so in an effort to try and maintain your sanity your brain churns out explanation after explanation, no matter how nonsensical they may be, in hopes of calming your rampant nerves by coming to some other resolution. A stream of constant lies and false reassurances play on repeat in your brain, forcing the thought that you may actually be a mother to the farthest reaches of your mind.

But the longer you wait and the more you dwell on it, the more you are faced with the inevitable. He never wears protection, you haven’t had access to birth control, and despite your warnings of it being a delicate time of month for you, his base instincts always won out in the end. There was nothing else this could be.

Faced with the reality of the situation, you were now tasked with the burden of sharing the news with Ren. You didn’t want to tell him, terrified of what his response would be, worried that he would somehow blame this all on you and hurt you because of it, quite possibly worse than he ever has before. But an even more horrifying concern than that is if the news actually pleases him. What if he wants to keep the baby? What if you were forced to carry this pregnancy to term while trapped in this grim environment, left to raise another human that shares half their dna with a man who has done nothing but cause you irrevocable damage?

No matter what the outcome, none of them are favorable.

But you didn’t have a choice, and you knew it was better to break it to Ren sooner rather than later, lest this whole nightmare become irreversible. In the event he saw things your way, you wanted this thing out of your body as soon as possible (though you loathed to consider what strings Ren would pull to achieve this, and what backwater procedure would be done to do so).

At first Ren brushes it off, not truly believing your concern. He’s had sex with you countless times without protection and just now you get pregnant? Seems suspicious, so he concludes you’re either overreacting or trying to get a rise out of him, potentially both, and that in and of itself riles him up. Are you telling him this as some kind of ploy? Are you using a false pregnancy as a means to get him to ease up on you a bit or as an attempt at escape? After all you had gone through together, after all the love he has lavished upon you by sharing his home, his life, his heart, with you… Would you really tell a lie like this?

He struggles with that possibility. Despite his inclination to feel otherwise, he has a hard time believing you would use a pregnancy scare for your own selfish benefit. You have always been a good girl, his good girl, and deep inside he knows this is not something that is within your nature to do, even if he does have some major doubts.

So, though he doesn’t truly believe your claims, he buys the pregnancy test more as a means to shut you up and prove a point than because he actually believes you. Needless to say, he ends up biting his tongue over that one.

When hit with the truth, his emotions are mixed. On one hand, he wants nothing to do with children or child rearing. He didn’t have to do much of a self-assessment to recognize he would be a shit father, and he never particularly wanted to be a father to begin with. His own upbringing wasn’t the best, he himself never really having a father figure that was worth a damn to guide him or show him any love or support. He had no parenting manual to go off of, and was sure that a culmination of having no positive family experience and maturing into the warped individual he had become led to no other conclusion than NOT being cut out for fatherhood in the slightest.

More than that however, the thought of sharing you, even with a life he helped create, really REALLY pissed him off. Thinking of all the nights you would be spending tending to the baby when you could instead be wrapped up in his arms, or all the attention and affection you will be giving some inept kid that could instead be going towards him, truly gets under his skin. He doesn’t WANT to share you. You’re HIS. And while a baby isn’t going to change that, he doesn’t want the needless competition to begin with.

But on the other hand, having a baby does have its appeal. It would be nice to bring a life into this world that loves him from the get-go, completely relying on him while being totally oblivious to all that has happened in the past. That sort of pure, blind love is hard to come by in this world, and the fact that he could obtain it so easily from a life he created with you, a human that has your blood running through its veins, is EXTREMELY appealing. And on top of that, you are sure to love the child whether its conception was wanted/planned or not. If you loved a child that was half his for the remainder of your life, would that not bind you to him for just as long? Though he didn’t doubt your loyalty (or his ability to keep you tied to him with no hope of escape), it would be a nice assurance to have in the rare event things did not end up going his way.

Once that thought enters his head, it’s over. No further thinking or future planning is required-he is going to be a father, and YOU are the beautiful mama! Congratulations! (Does he get off to you being pregnant? Did this pregnancy make Ren Hana realize he has a breeding kink??? Sources say yes and that’s your problem to deal with now. :))

♡

Holding his newborn for the first time, he has never been so nervous. Tears flood his eyes as he watches the small bundle squirming in his arms, his heart aching as they stare up at him with wide, pure, inquisitive eyes. He was no stranger to ending lives, but creating them? This was something entirely new, as exhilarating as it was scary. His smile grew as he stared at her small face, pleased that she looked so much like you. He could only hope that her personality would mirror yours as well.

♡

As time passes and the baby grows, you find out quick that Ren has a very ‘hands off’ way of parenting, which is to say he relies on you to do most of the work. And honestly, he feels that is fair. He’s the breadwinner who works hard to provide for you and the newborn, which leaves all other parental duties in your capable hands. You are left to be the child’s main caregiver, their guiding force to lead them through life, their teacher, confidante, and friend. It’s a daunting task, all residing solely on your shoulders.

Ren won’t readily admit it, but he much prefers it that way. All the abuse that he has suffered through from an early age, every heinous act of violence that has been carried out by his own hands (your wounds, included), all of it has turned him into something unrecognizable, something grotesque. Even if he wanted to have more of a presence in his child’s life, he knows he doesn’t deserve it. If he had too much sway in the kids development there’s a good chance they will grow up to be like him in some way or another, which would be a waste of all the love and hard work that you had put into raising them into being an upstanding person. Ren had made peace with who he had become, but that didn’t mean he wanted to keep a cycle that someone like Strade had begun going either.

So, the baby more or less becomes your soul responsibility, and god is that a burden for you. It’s bad enough that you have such little support from Ren to begin with, but the fact that this is YOUR first time being a parent as well makes it all so much worse. You have no idea what the hell you are doing, and with Ren making sure to keep you as isolated as possible you had no one else to turn to for help, either. It was just you and this brand new life with no one else to rely on, if you fucked up in even the smallest way it could be devastating to the baby. If your daughter got truly hurt, sick, or worse in your care, you didn’t know how you would live with the repercussions, let alone handle Ren’s reaction.

If your life with Ren hadn’t already made you a strung out, nervous, irritable wreck, being a mother certainly would. As she continues to grow, Ren refuses to discipline the child at all, not wanting in any way to appear like a ‘bad guy’ to your daughter. Given the circumstances, part of you is thankful for that (you honestly don’t know what you would do if he turned his ire towards her), but it also just makes things more difficult with you. You are already beyond stressed about trying to raise a child in this type of environment, having no united front and constantly butting heads makes raising her that much harder, especially when any kind of rule you attempt to establish can so easily be overridden by her father who has no remorse over the frustration this causes, nor care as to how his flippancy may affect your child’s development in the long run.

It’s also not lost on you that being the sole disciplinarian also paints you in a less than favorable manner in your child’s eyes, something you are sure Ren has thought about as well. Being the ‘strict’ parent means your child will be more likely to hide things from you, or seek out her father instead of you for support, approval, and advice. Given whom Ren was as a person, this thought didn’t sit particularly well with you.

All you can really hope and pray for is that somehow despite the lack of social interaction and outside influence she will grow up to be a decent human. Even maturing under the delusion that her father is a noble man, even if in some instances you have to make yourself the villain, as long as it helps her out in  the long run you’ll do everything you can to insure your daughter lives the best life she possibly can, whether her father helps you or not.

I think the REAL problems will begin when the child gets older. When she truly comes into herself and forms her own opinions, develops her own personality, and starts to forge her own way of life… It’s gonna be messy. :/ Your child’s autonomy is definitely going to be a point of contention for Ren in the future, and he won’t be so pleased if/when she catches on to his true nature and begins to rebel or straight up reject him. God forbid she tries and join forces with you or attempt to become your savior. It’s going to take a lot of cunning on her end to make it out unscathed.

Also, I kind of touched on it previously, but Ren would be incredibly horny the whole pregnancy. Not that he isn’t already incessantly slavering over you, something about seeing you round and full just makes him snap. Which is scary in its own right, Ren isn’t the most gentle of lovers to begin with and has a tendency to lose himself more often than naught, hurting you in the process. It’s a constant struggle to satiate him while protecting yourself and the unborn baby, best of luck to you! :D

(And he’ll definitely breastfeed from you. He’s gotta make sure you are producing enough for the baby, ya know? :))

[ohtransarchon]

August has been rough

Almost 6 months post-op now and I've moved back home with my parents and my mental health has rotted again!!

It's been really rough though. I don't really know how to explain the problem. I've been feeling bad about transitioning and that's a scary thought. I'll be honest I'm scared of fully vocalizing these thoughts, as if saying them out would make it real.

There are many possibilities for these thoughts though, I could be feeling bad because I'm regressing because of moving back home, I have done this before I got surgery back in 2022, I would constantly question whether or not I wanted to reaaallly do it even though I kept thinking about it. And now it's the same except I have actually done it and my brain is just freaking out-

It could also be me struggling with the irreversible part of it, which is a personal flaw of mine. I find myself needing to have a way back even if I never find use for it. Like holding on to receipts of things I want "just in case I suddenly don't want it"

or it could be me somehow pre-mourning a possibility (extreme overthinking on my part), my brain is upset that if I were to get implants they wouldn't be my boobs anymore, like my insides are forever gone so my brain is just prematurely sad for a complete hypothetical scenario.

Some people on Reddit told me that it's quite normal for people who have had any kind of surgery to feel kinda like shit 6 months and below after their surgery because your brain is trying to get used to the change, which is something I was aware of but- when you're in it you just become so blind fyi-

Recently though it does seem like maybe my previous identity might not fit anymore :) Sort of like, I used to have a more masc leaning identity to compensate for my body and now that my body is more aligned to me it's kind of like now there's too much masculinity in my life- and I need to get in touch with my femininity more now. I've heard that happen to other queer people as well!

When you transition you might find yourself changing again because your body isn't restricting you as much as it used to.

Transitioning can be freeing but also scary at times. There's a lot going on aaaall the time !!

[hinalatte]

A Thematic Analysis of Chapter 2’s Killer

Drdt spoilers. Obviously

There’s a lot of people who have started liking Ace more since this episode. I am not one of those people. He’s always been my favorite character. I’ve suffered from paranoia as well, and it sucks when people don’t take that shit seriously. Just because it’s irrational doesn’t mean it’s not harmful, and just because it’s stupid doesn’t mean the person suffering from it is stupid. I related to him a lot because of that. His issues are constantly downplayed by the people around him. Either that, or they think he’s irreversibly crazy for fears he can’t really control.

But besides that, I like him because his brain is fun to pick apart. He has so many problems. It’s a genuine shame he’ll never be able to get over them. It’s not the direction I expected his character to go, but it makes a lot of sense.

All that glitters is not gold.

The title made me think that a “good person” would be the killer, but it was Ace, a “bad person.” And his victim was Arei, another “bad person.” The people who died this chapter were the cast’s “worst people,” people who were outcast by everyone else for being bullied. But this chapter also shows their human sides—maybe they were only bad people because they were never given a chance to be good, like Arei. Maybe they were pushed to extremes because nobody treated their problems seriously, like Ace. Meanwhile, the cast’s “good people” are all revealed to be worse than they seemed. That was the thematic reason behind the motive secrets. Some of the others have done things far worse than Arei or Ace.

Nico was someone most of the cast liked. They were never mean to anyone, and they were constantly the victim of Ace’s bullying. They were easy to like, or at least easy to not hate. They quickly formed a bond with Hu (because Hu seeks out people she thinks need her protection). But in this chapter, they tried to kill someone. They admit themselves that it was reprehensible. Nico is a “bad person”.

Hu was supportive of everyone in chapter 1, positioning herself as a motherly figure. She was kind, caring, and helpful. But in chapter 2, she infantilized Nico to the point that she thought they can’t speak for themselves during the trial. She let biases cloud her judgement. She derailed the trial without good reason, because she wanted to be helpful to Nico, even when they weren’t asking for her help. Hu is a “bad person”.

Levi was called a good person by Eden at the start. He’s polite, takes care of other people, and reached out to Ace of all people. But in this chapter, it’s revealed that he did all of that for his own convenience. He doesn’t care about other people. He’s a murderer. He’s a “bad person”.

Levi threatened Ace, making Ace’s paranoia worse. Nico tried to kill Ace, confirming Ace’s idea that he was going to die if he didn’t get himself out of the killing game. Hu defended Nico, confirming Ace’s idea that everyone was against him.

The so-called “bad people” are cursed to die, while the so-called “good people” are shown to have been bad all along.

And isn’t that far more interesting than showing that good people can do bad things, and ending it like that? Now all the so-called “good people” have to live with the fact that their actions led to Arei’s death, without having been Arei’s actual killer. Arei was killed by the cast’s mistreatment, negligence, and trivialization of Ace Markey.

Thematically. Not literally, of course. Ace did that.

But their culpability in Arei and Ace’s deaths, even tangentially, shows in full color the consequences of letting their flaws go unchecked.

And in the context of Nico and Hu specifically, I can’t wait to see how that impacts them in the long run. Chapter 2 was all about facing the darkest sides of some of these characters. So wouldn’t it stand to reason that Ace’s death would influence some of them (like Nico) to examine their actions more closely and try to grow from them?

I can see Nico cutting off their friendship with Hu after this. She refused to acknowledge their fault in the situation. Since Nico is an objective person, I think they’ll understand the part they played in the Ace/Arei situation, and want other people to understand it as well. They won’t want Hu’s misplaced protection anymore.

And for Hu, I have no idea where she’s going after this. After her performance in this trial, where her flaws were pointed out to her by all the other characters, is she going to reflect and change? Or is she going to regress first, especially now that Ace, who she believed to be a villain, actually snapped and killed someone?

A big theme of chapter 2 has been growth. Ace shows the consequences of not growing. He was pushed to murder because of the rest of the cast not confronting their flaws, and he himself committed the murder because he didn’t know how to change.

It’s a bit of a hopeful spin on his death, but I’ll be honest—I’m still majorly bummed out about it. His life has just been terrible and will be terrible until it ends. He’s a horrible person with blood on his hands. He’s a coward and a bully who is hated by everyone. It’s all he’ll ever be, because he’ll die before having the chance to be someone else. Nico, through the sheer coincidence of having their murder interrupted, will be able to grow and change. Ace never will. A terrible life and a terrible death for a terrible person. And he won’t be missed. Not like Arei. Not like Min. Not like Xander. People like Nico, Rose, and Eden may feel bad about it, but no one will miss Ace specifically, because no one likes him.

If you were able to change and become a better person, it only means you were a good person to begin with.

If you weren’t able to change, it means you were doomed from the start. There’s no use trying.

There’s another world where people took Ace’s fears seriously. Where they didn’t dismiss him as a joke at the start and a volatile dog at the end. He might’ve survived if that happened. No matter what David says, bad people can change, if they know how to do it.

When this chapter finishes, I might make a full thematic analysis of it. There are still a bunch of things to say. I’ll just leave this post off with: Nico survivor stocks going up! Invest now!

[homkamiro]

YOUR SNIPERSCOUT STUFF HAS DONE THINGS TO ME, IRREVERSABLE THINGS TO MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY!!!!!

LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO SPEEDING BULLET NATION🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

[randomwriteronline]

Bionicle has done irreversible things to my brain. I could argue with you that earth is a liquid

[sugar-crash]

🍬King Candy (Wreck-It Ralph) x (gn) Reader👑

(First Date Edition!)

(Picture’s not mine)

(Request here! Picking out songs for this loser is so much easier than I thought it’d be, like I’d make my friends help me choose with previous posts I’ve done on my main, only for me to pluck these songs straight from my playlist.)

- Again this man is an avid date enjoyer, a complete contrast to how he was as Turbo, with him openly liking the concept of dates because he associates it with spending time with you, taking your attention up to fulfill his need for it.

- His intentions with you go from pure to not so pure (in a manipulative way you sickos) in a way akin to a pendulum, flicking back and forth while not going to their full extremes, at least not yet.

- Your first date is far from what it’d be Pre-RoadBlasters, having actual date stuff to it because he wants you to see him as a gentleman and a proper lover in general.

- His grip on everything at that point, where he knows who you are as a person to a great degree helps him mold that first date into something that benefits and his efforts to keep this relationship going.

- I’m thinking something small and yet classic, like a nice personal dinner in the castle spent after he claims his spot on the avatar roster for the umpteenth time, his golden coin pocketed for next time when he has to do it all over again.

- It’s the start of something rather grand, which he reiterates and emphasizes to his candy people as he makes them set things to your liking before you come.

- Everything has to be perfect for you, it’s much like the movie Coraline, the Beldam was able to make everything just look so picturesque at first in a way that was able to eventually ensnare Coraline into trusting her in the matter of a couple of days.

- However King Candy is more… Dare I say realistic in his approach? Like there’s no piano that plays you or a gravy train that pours it for you, but every request you may have is done almost immediately.

- Everything is done right by you— I mean, this is King Candy’s domain, and being his s/o gets you brownie points indefinitely.

- I think it’s a way to get you to keep coming, to spend your time in Sugar Rush than anywhere else, I mean— Why would you want to go anywhere else after hours when you are treated so well??

- That and the various areas of Sugar Rush are so numerous— So varied, so explorable, and he’s more than happy to drive you around the place whenever you want.

- Performative to a fault, which is something that comes from Pre-RoadBlasters— He needed to be for the sake of being the protagonist and main avatar of Turbo Time after all, everyone kinda has to be— But him especially.

- In a way, I think he was able to both perpetuate and diverge from who he was, those negative traits thriving underneath the guise of being a ruler who is highly defensive of his game and the citizens who reside in it.

- But in reality, he’s only really defensive over you— Much like the game he was able to alter and become a usurper for he worked hard to get this to where he wanted, and now that he had it and by extension you— He’s not exactly keen to let it all go.

- That first date when you look back at it later on encapsulates that desperation to be King Candy, to be something he wasn’t by any means while fooling everyone, fooling you.

- As King Candy, he’s more in tune with what he feels and knows how to react and when to react, giving off a more friendly aura that initially lures you in and makes you keep coming, especially if you are a particularly lonely person— Probably having no frame of reference to what a healthy relationship looks like beyond the niceties of previous relationships that didn’t stick as well as what you had with him.

- The more vulnerable you become with him the better he can worm his way into your heart and brain in an irreversible manner.

- That’s the thing with him, he wants to be significant so bad to any gamer or fellow game character that warrants it— Much like how Ralph is, but far more extreme, to the degree in which if it warrants it— He will kill someone to get what he wants, caution thrown to the wind if he’s been aggravated enough.

- That extreme behavior can even be seen in that first date you both have together, with him being strung up for brief moments when you bring something up that’s something he can’t easily explain away with smoke and mirrors.

- But those cracks aren’t established just yet, he’s able to get you wanting more and that’s enough to make him a bit giddy as he rejoices over this new and promising connection you have with him.

- It’s the start of something good, something bad, and something downright ugly.

(Svcl jhu mpa zv thuf kpmmlylua klzjypwapvuz av nv hsvun dpao kpmmlylua zpabhapvuz... Buzahisl pz aol wlymlja dvyk mvy doha fvb adv ohcl.)

[aspd-culture]

Do you know at what point ASPD is unlikely to reverse in minors (like 17 or 16 but I know 18 is necessary for diagnosis) or if a certain amount of symptoms is unlikely to reduce enough to not be ASPD anymore?

I've heard the 18+ thing is necessary because ASPD can be reduced/reversed before 18 but I'm not sure if it consistently includes 16/17 as ones who can also be reduced if they meet the criteria.

I'm just turning 17 next month and trying to get therapy is difficult because of my provider so I'm worried my ASPD traits are irreversible already (mostly because of how much I experience them, which is relatively a lot compared to prosocials)

So the younger you are, the easier this is, but realistically I wouldn't be surprised if it has wiggle room even going over that 18 year range - which is somewhat arbitrary and is not built with the actual ages of impulsivity and emotional regulation in mind as far as I can tell. It's just that ASPD can only be diagnosed in adulthood, and in the US which is the book I'm reading out of, you're an adult at 18. I don't think it's a hard and fast rule bc the wording is "cannot be diagnosed until 18" not "should be diagnosed if these symptoms persist past 18". It's basically saying that you can't diagnose anyone under that age with it bc it could just be normal teenage behavior.

The things that can reverse the set in of ASPD symptoms are all based in adequate support and ability to heal, so the freshness of the events leading to ASPD would also be important to consider. You're less likely to be able to be helped to recover from this to where it's not diagnosable (meaning you don't have it bc you genuinely do not under any definition fit the criteria - this is what ppl mean when they say with their antidepressants, they're no longer considered diagnosable with depression and are therefore considered successfully treated) if you've spent longer in survival mode. What the support needed to avoid ASPD is based on is getting you out of survival mode in time for your brain to socially develop properly. As the brain doesn't stop developing until around 25, my unprofessional behind would not be surprised if you could, in theory, be given enough respite that you can avoid ASPD for a couple years after that 18 starting line for diagnosis. And the less time you were in survival mode without adequate support to remove you from it, the lower chance antisocial traits would develop in the first place.

It is absolutely worth an attempt if you're able to start trying to get that support, but try to do it outside of the mindset of running from ASPD, bc that will ruin your brain's ability to focus on healing. In the meantime while you're getting that therapy to process, you can also be supplementing your therapy with researching and attempting to understand social cues and dances and all of that. If you're getting help and you're researching this, then even if you do end up having ASPD you'll have done a good amount of the heavy lifting to learn to best cope with it and have more typical relationships and social interactions with those around you.

No matter what, you have all the time in the world to heal to a very significant degree bc ASPD does respond to professional help to mitigate some of it's symptoms, so please don't let turning 18 discourage you from getting help. With or without ASPD, you deserve to heal from whatever trauma you've dealt with.

Plain text below the cut:

So the younger you are, the easier this is, but realistically I wouldn't be surprised if it has wiggle room even going over that 18 year range - which is somewhat arbitrary and is not built with the actual ages of impulsivity and emotional regulation in mind as far as I can tell. It's just that ASPD can only be diagnosed in adulthood, and in the US which is the book I'm reading out of, you're an adult at 18. I don't think it's a hard and fast rule bc the wording is "cannot be diagnosed until 18" not "should be diagnosed if these symptoms persist past 18". It's basically saying that you can't diagnose anyone under that age with it bc it could just be normal teenage behavior.

The things that can reverse the set in of ASPD symptoms are all based in adequate support and ability to heal, so the freshness of the events leading to ASPD would also be important to consider. You're less likely to be able to be helped to recover from this to where it's not diagnosable (meaning you don't have it bc you genuinely do not under any definition fit the criteria - this is what ppl mean when they say with their antidepressants, they're no longer considered diagnosable with depression and are therefore considered successfully treated) if you've spent longer in survival mode. What the support needed to avoid ASPD is based on is getting you out of survival mode in time for your brain to socially develop properly. As the brain doesn't stop developing until around 25, my unprofessional behind would not be surprised if you could, in theory, be given enough respite that you can avoid ASPD for a couple years after that 18 starting line for diagnosis. And the less time you were in survival mode without adequate support to remove you from it, the lower chance antisocial traits would develop in the first place.

It is absolutely worth an attempt if you're able to start trying to get that support, but try to do it outside of the mindset of running from ASPD, bc that will ruin your brain's ability to focus on healing. In the meantime while you're getting that therapy to process, you can also be supplementing your therapy with researching and attempting to understand social cues and dances and all of that. If you're getting help and you're researching this, then even if you do end up having ASPD you'll have done a good amount of the heavy lifting to learn to best cope with it and have more typical relationships and social interactions with those around you.

No matter what, you have all the time in the world to heal to a very significant degree bc ASPD does respond to professional help to mitigate some of it's symptoms, so please don't let turning 18 discourage you from getting help. With or without ASPD, you deserve to heal from whatever trauma you've dealt with.

[reallyhatethiswebsite]

wip wednesday

thought i would do this since it's gonna be really hot again over the next few days and heat always makes me super sick (i wouldn't last 5 minutes in avernus lol)

for context it's part of a fic i thought to write since i felt like i didn't fully explore the Raphael-hunts-Tav request i got from a lovely person (and i also wanted to write something dark again since i am not good at it)

welcome to me writing mean and angry raph lol (tbh can't be sure if i will finish this)

thank you laura for labbing raph's dialogue with me ❤️

-

“Why would a power-hungry magelet with a chip on his shoulder abandon decades of ambition for some little bint he found on the roadside, when he could have hundreds – thousands of warm and willing holes to wet his cock with if he becomes a so-called god? Do you think you’re worth that sacrifice? Does Gale think you are? I’m sure he says lots of sweet things when he’s inside you, just as I’m sure he said the same things to Mystra, and we all know how that worked out…”

“Stop,” Tav begged. Sobbed.

“No,” the devil sneered. Utterly merciless. “It’s high time you faced the reality of your actions. You have doomed a future for the githyanki free from tyranny, you have doomed your friends’ chance to escape the emperor’s machinations, and you have doomed yourself, sweet pet, to reap what you sow – all for the sake of a man who rolled over you because you were the first woman in years to say yes. You wanted to enter my house without permission? Then you’ll stay for eternity.”

“You can’t keep me here!”

“I think you’ll find I can, girl,” Raphael rasped, malicious, quiet. His gaze flayed her alive, peeled away layers of skin and muscle to stare at her very soul. “For in this house, in this pocket of Hell, I am the master, and that means I can do whatever I want.”

A sick, bitter pill to swallow: he was right.

“Fine!” Tav laughed maniacally, the futility of the situation driving her to anger. “Fine, you evil bastard! I suppose you’ll have a pet squid soon, then. Have you always wanted one of those? Was it a boyhood dream, if you were a boy once? I hear ink stains are a bitch to get out of silk rugs.” As soon as she said it, Tav wished she had kept her mouth shut. She’d done everything wrong since entering that portal. Everything. Raphael’s shrewd yellow eyes narrowed as he considered something. Tav watched him raise his fingers, ready to snap, with dawning horror; if he did this, she wouldn’t just be stuck with him forever. She would owe him forever. A fate so much worse. “No! Wait! You don’t – I’m sure I won’t transform! It’s different in Hell, right?!”

“I’d rather not take the chance,” Raphael murmured, enjoying this moment of despair. “I’m not too fond of tentacles, you see. And besides…I promised I could be your saviour, didn’t I? Even though you hardly deserve it, but I’m nothing if not magnanimous, after all.”

CLICK. Such a small sound heralding a monumental, irreversible change.

Agony. The likes of which Tav couldn’t comprehend. Her skull splitting apart, bursting from the inside, her brains chewed up and spat out, eyes and teeth and tongue destroyed, sinuses burning…it only lasted for a few brief seconds, maybe, but the next thing she knew she was on her hands and knees. Frothy blood and bile oozed from her nose and mouth. Her body shook violently. Her head felt like it was full of water. She wasn’t sure, but she might have pissed herself a little bit. She stared up at the devil through bleary wet eyes and saw him watching her. Savouring her suffering. Floating in his palm was her tadpole, sluggish and covered in gore. Covered in her brains.

“Hmmm…I suppose I could have used less force for the extraction,” Raphael mused, unapologetic. He squinted at the ugly cosmic horror larva with disdain. “I was lead to believe these things were near-impossible to remove. Clearly not. Such weak magic. That worthless boy still has a lot to learn.” He curled his fingers inward and the tadpole caught fire, writhing and screaming as it died. Rendered to ash. Then he smiled at Tav, placid, almost business-like, as if he hadn’t just up-ended her entire existence. Her suffering had greatly improved his mood. “There we are. Now you won’t have to worry about those lovely guts of yours dissolving any time soon. Not before I get to sample them, at least.”

“I’d rather be a mind flayer,” Tav slurred quietly. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She felt hollow. Without that tadpole – as awful as it had been – she couldn’t reach her friends or even the emperor to beg for help. She knew they were pragmatic. They’d realise something went wrong and cut their losses. They wouldn’t risk storming this infernal psycho’s little castle to rescue her, not when the elder brain was so unstable and they were so close to vanquishing the Absolute cult, but at least pretending it was an option would’ve given her something to hold onto. 

“And ruin that delightful complexion of yours? Perish the thought.” The devil reached to wrap one big paw around her forearm and tugged her upright. Tav was too weak to pull away. She barely stayed on her feet. The room and everything in it swayed. Until it was forced to stop by his hot clawed hand holding her jaw firm. Raphael’s image swam into focus. He gently turned her head this way and that. He was examining her; examining his new property. “Can’t fault the magelet’s taste. You are a pretty little thing. And now you’re my pretty little thing.”

He pushed his thumb into her mouth. She could taste the sulphur and hellish magic even over the copper sticking to her gums and teeth. She bit him, tried to, but Raphael wasn’t phased. He dug his thumb claw into her tongue instead, pressing until he pierced the muscle, until Tav cried out. Fresh blood welled from the small puncture wound.

“Behave,” the devil simply said, like he was talking to a naughty puppy. 

“Never,” Tav spat. Raphael seemed to like that answer, if the sparkle in his eyes and his rich chuckle were any indication. 

“Oh, you’ll learn, my little mouse. One way or the other.” He dragged his thumb out of her mouth, smearing blood and spit across her lips. His pupils expanded as he looked upon her. He found this arousing, Tav realised, more repulsed than she’d ever been in her life. 

“You make me sick,” she hissed. 

“You have no idea just how sick I could truly make you,” he purred around a sinister smile, “but we have all the time in the world for that, don’t we, pet? Thanks to you, I’ve got a lot more work to do now. Plans to tweak, contingencies to set up, that sort of thing. I don’t expect you to understand, but unfortunately it means I won’t be able to break you in quite yet. But fret not, you shan’t be alone. Haarlep can keep an eye on you until I return.”

[andorerso]

rogue one has done irreversible damage to my psyche because any time someone says beach, a completely commonplace word, my brain goes "the thing that killed jyn and cassian??"

[angeart]

Y'know I was sitting here this morning with the hot spring rambles on my brain, specifically thinking about if the hair washing is close enough to preening to make Grian's birb brain happy

And it just really hit me how unfair hhau world is to birb Grian in particular. Birb brain wants preening from Scar and to show off for him, but being noticed is what's most dangerous for them. T-T

-🎀

hhau world is cruel to birb grian. besides just turning his wings into big shining targets and a huge liability, grian can't have anything his instincts want and crave and yearn for.

preening (as much from himself as from scar—he can't get any version of it and it's driving something in him despondent and mad), idle touches to his feathers, using wings for nonverbal language, using them as a comforting warm blanket on cold nights, flying... the list goes on.

he's a grounded bird that sometimes contemplates if he wouldn't be better off without his wings. that's what this world's done to him.

and oh gosh the things he'd like to do now that him and scar are openly horribly in love? all the new instincts and cravings and urges? all of those things he equally has to stifle and bury deep down... all those things that he feels insane need for but an even bigger terror of them—an emotion that doesn't belong, should never have been put there, and yet it's so deeply rooted and entangled through him now, so much so that it feels insurmountable and irreversible...

it's honestly unfair and so very sad, yeah 😭