#It also drives my life and one cannot live without a drive. My every breath‚ the reason why I still hang to life‚ is because of you

[longagoitwastuesday]

Anyway, if anyone is interested, Borges' "Pascal's Sphere" plays with a few of the topics/motifs I saw in the moment in which Gojo first extends his Domain that made me rewatch the same five minutes of that one episode over and over for days, like a broken watch rewinding but unable to move on. It's also just a few paragraphs long

Every day I am haunted by the fact JJK could be amazing but it will be just idk Bleach or something

[mrsstarkey1]

this is me trying - rafe cameron

SUMMARY: based on 'this is me trying' by taylor swift. takes place after the events of season three.

WORD COUNT: 1.2k

WARNINGS: season 3 spoilers

A/N: you cannot tell me this song doesn't portray rafe cameron perfectly like ??? it's insane. also check out my most recent rafe fic

------

i've been having a hard time adjusting

i had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting

rafe couldn't remember a time before the gold, before the cross, before his dad became obsessed, before he let his dad drag him down with him, before his dad was dead.

rafe's entire life, he made decisions with one thing in mind; his dad. then suddenly, he was gone. it was as if in one singular instant, rafe's life became meaningless. his purpose - gone. his reasoning for every terrible thing he's ever done - gone.

he wanted to be angry, to blame someone. he wanted to not believe the story that sarah told him. but something inside him wouldn't let himself blame anyone but himself.

as rafe wandered the streets of whatever city he ended up in running from his problems, he found remembering glimpses of his life before everything got complicated. he used to have money that didn't come from gold; he used to have friends; he used to have the possibility of a future; he used to be happy. he missed that. and he could finally admit it.

i didn't know if you'd care if i came back

i have a lot of regrets about that

rafe left the outer banks without saying a word to anyone the same day that sarah told him about his father. he didn’t even say anything to you, but he wished that he did.

now it’d been so long, he was so worried that even if he came back to you, and God knows he wanted to, that you'd never forgive him.

he told himself that you probably wouldn't even care if he came back. in reality, he was just terrified that if he faced you and you felt how he thought you did, he'd lose the one thing he was still living for.

if he lost the idea of you; the possibility that maybe one day he could hold you in his arms again, then he'd have nothing. he couldn't bare the thought of that.

pulled the car off the road to the lookout

could've followed my fears all the way down

rafe twisted the key out of the ignition, tossing it onto the passengers seat. he opened the car door with a shaky hand before he could talk himself out of it.

he dragged his feet along the ground, dirt kicking up as he walked. breathing in the mountain air, he looked down, kicking a rock over the edge. he estimated about it was about 300 feet until the first ledge.

rafe lifted his eyes up, blinking the tears away that he hadn’t realized had formed. he took in the view along with a deep breath. his head was level with the clouds, and he’d never seen something so beautiful; so calming - the fresh air, the mountain view, the feeling he got. taking it all in, rafe finally felt at peace. which made sense, given what he’d pulled over the car to do.

almost every part of him was ready. every part of him except for the part that still loved you; the part of him that wanted to make things right.

he was still terrified of facing you, even more so now since it had been almost a year. and now he had a choice to make. he could take one more step forward and chase that fear all the way to bottom; take the easy way out. or he could turn around, and follow his fear back home.

and maybe i don’t quite know what to say

but i’m here in your doorway

i just wanted you to know

that this is me trying

rafe could barely keep his eyes open by the time he’d pulled into your driveway. a twelve hour drive running on no sleep and no food, it was a miracle he hadn’t wrapped his car around a tree.

rafe’s heartbeat quickened when his eyes met your car parked on the side of the street. you were inside. a part of him had been hoping you wouldn’t be home, and he’d have a little longer to decide what to say. he’d thought 12 hours would have been enough, but his shaking hands suggested otherwise.

he gripped the steering wheel, closing his eyes and forcing in a deep breath. this is why he was still alive, for this very moment.

he pushed open the car door as soon as he’d psyched himself up enough. within a couple seconds, he was at your front door, fist held up inches from the wood. this is when he finally realized what he was doing.

you were never going to forgive him, what was he doing? his heart beated against his chest like a drum, and he suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. his body went completely weak, and he practically crashed into the front door.

it was the footsteps on the other side of the door that brought him out of his weakened state, and he realized what had just happened. you were coming to the door. he was going to be face to face with you in less than a minute. he stepped back from the door, glancing back at his car, weighing his options.

the door swung open so quickly, rafe jumped out of his skin, for a lack of better words. he opened his mouth to say something, but not even a breath came out.

there you were. you looked even more beautiful than he remembered. your hair was lighter and a lot longer, reminding him that it had been an entire year since he’d seen you.

“rafe,” he’d barely heard you say, still trying to believe that you were within his reach. you took a step closer, eyes scanning over his entire body. “you-you’re here,” you breathed out.

your eyes asked a million questions, and all he wanted to do was answer them. but every time he opened his mouth to say something, only silence followed. before he knew it, your arms were wrapped around him and hands tangled in his hair. your hugs still felt the exact same after a year, and the second he breathed in the scent of you, it felt like he’d gone back in time.

his eyes fluttered shut and his arms closed tightly around you, hanging on for dear life.

the embrace didn’t last nearly as long as he wanted, which was forever. you pulled away, keeping your hands on his arms. “where the hell have you been, rafe?” you asked, eyes scanning his face. he wanted to tell you everything, he needed to, but his throat was closed shut. all he could do was stare into your eyes. “talk to me, baby. you’ve been gone for a year. no contact, no nothing. i understand why you left, okay? you lost your father, and i know how much me meant to you. but you’ve got to tell me what’s going on. please, rafe, just talk to me.”

“i-” he started, a pathetic feeling engulfing him when his voice broke after one word and he looked at the ground. you moved closer, hands slipping from his arms and up to the sides of his face. you trained your eyes on his, silently begging him to talk. rafe took a shaky breath, “i’m trying,” he let out weakly.

you nodded your head intently, “i know you are.” you saw it in his eyes, the broken part of him. you leaned in, resting your forehead on his, “i know you’re trying.”

rafe nodded, a sigh of relief escaping him. twelve hours ago, he was standing on the edge between life and death. looking into your eyes now, he knew that he would spend the rest of his days trying to pay you back for being the reason he chose life.

at least i'm trying

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[doll-elvis]

꧁ “All this love I have for you…I don’t know where to put it now that you are gone” - Lang Leav

Another year has gone by without you and it hasn’t gotten any easier

I know I should be looking back on your life with a smile and be proud of all you've accomplished but I cannot stop the terrible sadness I feel for you. And I cannot stop the tears from coming when I think of what could have been and what was taken from you and everyone who loved you on August 16th, 1977

I'm thinking about how you could have still been here. You would have been able to see your baby Lisa Marie grow up into the talented and beautiful woman she was. You would have been the one to teach her to drive and, most likely, the one to buy her first car. And I bet you would have been the happiest "grand-pappy" the day Riley was born and taken home from the hospital

You could have also celebrated your 88th birthday this year as an old man with grey hair, or maybe Larry Geller would still be dyeing it pitch-black for you. Maybe you would have been holding your great-granddaughter Tupelo to your chest while your loved ones surrounded you, singing happy birthday. You would have been even happier to be the “great-grandpappy”

But that’s not what happened for you or your family and it breaks my heart

Rather than growing old, you passed away at the age of 42

On that night, you kissed and put Lisa Marie to bed for the very last time, not knowing it would be your last, not knowing you'd be gone just hours later. You left this world alone and quietly in the early hours of the morning without a proper goodbye, leaving so much unsaid by the people who loved you and wanted you to know. You left feeling like you hadn’t done enough to be remembered but it’s now 46 years later Elvis, and you are just as loved as you were then

And I am so grateful to say that I am one of the many people you reached, who love you, and think about you every single day. The impact that you have left on me cannot even be measured or described. I will forever be indebted to you Elvis, and all the ways that you left this world more beautiful than you found it. Truthfully, I wouldn’t want to live in a world that wasn’t touched by you. You make the days more bearable with your music and your presence, and I know that whenever I need comfort or happiness I can find it in something you did

You were simply unique and completely irreplaceable… the world has felt so dull and so empty since you left it. I truly mean it when I say that I love you Elvis, and if there is a way, I hope you know just how much

I miss you more than words could be said, and I’ll miss you until my last breathe. Rest in peace my love

Love “allways”,

𝒜𝓅𝓇𝒾𝓁

[blackjackkent]

43. Bloody kiss. Either Wyll/Rahka or shadowzel. Which ever one speaks to you more friend!

Ooooh. Intrrrrrriguing. This actually ties in nicely with a thought I had for another of the prompts from @astreamofstars from this ask, so I am gonna combine the two. >:) This is a mild retcon of a scene from my liveblog, but I do what I want, muahaha. XD

Wyll/Rakha - Bloody kiss (kiss roulette meme) - Holding hands and that's all they can think of (“What Are We” moment prompts)

----

She is soaked in Kressa Bonedaughter’s blood. It stings in her eyes, it covers her cheeks and her mouth. The Myrkulite lies dead before her, a final vengeance for a torment Rakha doesn’t even remember. 

It felt so good to kill her. And the beast in her mind is awake again and hungry for more, scenting that blood on the air. 

They cut you into pieces, it whispers, a hiss like a serpent in her ear. They sliced out your mind. They made you into meat. Will you not return the favor? 

She feels suddenly aware of every breathing creature around her, every life waiting to be snuffed out. Lae'zel and Minthara looting the belongings of the dead cultists. Absolutist thralls and mind flayers moving down the slimy corridors beneath Moonrise. The very walls of this place, fleshy with a sort of half-life that would give so sweetly under her ripping, tearing claws… 

And Wyll, of course - sitting at her side, watching her. 

Yes, whispers the beast. Start with him, just as I told you; tear that soft thing from your life and begin your reign of death… 

She kisses him. It’s a sharp motion like a blow, wrenching him by the collar until their lips crash together. A vein pulses in her temple with the concentration and effort it takes. Against all the howling evil within her, she kisses him rather than killing him, and the blood on her face mixes with the kiss and makes him taste of iron.

She feels him respond, can almost hear his heartbeat stutter to a faster pace with the muted need strung taut between them. It is not just passion - though that is part of it, certainly, as she channels all the beast’s rage into the softer feeling she has for him. But more than that, it is a feral, demanding, clinging thing, a reaching-out for the safety only he can provide. 

He knows her well, by now. He knows the monstrous thing that lives inside her, and the signs that it is trying to take control. But he also knows that this isn’t her, not really - not who she wants to be. He is the Blade of Frontiers, and he has seen monsters driven by true darkness.

“Stay with me, Rakha,” he whispers against her mouth. He takes her hand and squeezes it fiercely. His palm is warm, sweat-slick from the colony’s oppressive humidity, and his grip grounds her, drawing her back to herself, bit by bit shutting out everything else. “Stay with me. Show me the light.”

He is the only one who has ever thought there is light in her.

She draws a slow, unsteady breath. The roaring darkness in her head starts to fade, and as it recedes, the kiss softens. It loses its hungry, conquering edge, grows gentler; Wyll takes control of it now, his free hand cupping the back of her head, steadying her against him. A strange sound escapes her, a sort of whimpering groan, and he answers it with a sigh against her lips.

His touches have done their work. The beast settles back into restless sleep and she is conscious only of him - and of the grief that remains from Kressa’s revelations now that the rage has cooled. His touch soothes that too, but it cannot drive it away entirely. 

She wishes, sometimes, she could simply have this softness, without all the broken edges in her soul. “Thank you,” she mutters. The kiss breaks and she leans her forehead against his, closing her eyes.

His grip on her hand loosens but doesn't let go. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks. "About what she said?"

"No," she says. She doesn't have the strength for her usual curtness; the word emerges wistful and exhausted. A pause, then-- "Later."

"Later it is," he agrees. "I'll be ready."

[harrysrealgf]

NAIVE

You and harry broke up and a part of you can help but want him to show up at your door and apologize.

Fratrry¡reader

This is the good ending to this short thing, im gonna make a bad one bc I like this concept

———

“Well if you don’t like it, then maybe we should just break up!” Harry yelled. This was an argument, the biggest argument you guys have ever had. All over how you didn’t want him to flirt with so many girls.

You paused for a second. You couldn’t believe what he said to you. “Maybe we should.” You finally said. You didn’t want to obviously. You love him, but maybe it’s for the best.

He was shocked you agreed.

“Great. Then we’re broken up.” He loved you, of course he did! He was just a flirty guy, and if you weren’t okay with that then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

Harry is a naive boy. He refuses to change or apologize about anything.

“I guess so.” You walked to the door, putting your shoes on.

“Where are you going?” He watched you.

“What? You broke up with me Harry. Do you just expect me to sit here in your house?” You asked. You were being sarcastic, but also serious.

“Well no, but..”

“No. I need to my house. I cannot do this right now.” You held tears in.

You didn’t even let him talk and you walked out. It was dark and rainy. You hated driving in the rain, but it was comforting.

When you got home you just ran to your room and cried. 3 years with Harry obviously meant nothing to him. He broke up with you so quick. He’s always been ignorant, but the one time you speak up about something that bothers you in the relationship, this happens.

He will never change, nor apologize to you. And you just need to accept that now.

You threw your headphones on and listened to music, that’s how you cope.

The past week has been a mess. You were late to work 3 times this week. You stayed up all night reading old texts where he was such a sweetheart.

But now it’s no contact.

You hoped he was come to your front door with flowers, and a real apology. Not just a lousy ‘I’m sorry.’

None of this was your fault and you knew it.

————

It’s been 2 weeks since the breakup.

It was another rainy day, 7PM. And your doorbell rang. You threw your hair up and went to answer the door, and you were surprised to see who it was.

Harry.

“Hi..” he gave you that look. That stupid look. The look he gave you when he was wrong and he knew it.

“Hi.”

“I’m sorry.” He looked down and picked at the skin at the side of his nails.

“That’s it?” You ask as he was silent for a little after that.

“No. I’m sorry y/n. I’m bad at apologies. I know I am, I don’t do it a lot but fuck, I can’t live without you. You’re the love of my life and I.. fuck I don’t know how to say it.” He paused. “These last two weeks have been absolute hell. Everything I see reminds me of you and well.. us. I know I fucked up, I know I’m too flirty sometimes and I try and stop but I just get carried away..”

“Your not obligated to say anything to any other girl Harry. And you were right. If I don’t like it then we should break up. And we did. You completely left me behind the one time I speak up about something. I don’t know what else you want from me.” You bit your lip.

“I want you! It’s not what I wanted to leave you behind. Fuck I… I didn’t even want to break up with you in the first place.” He admitted.

“…then why did you?” You spoke quietly.

“I was just scared! Your the only girl I’ve ever really loved and… every move I make it’s just another mistake. I should’ve never said anything to that girl and I know how you feel and I don’t know what is wrong with me. Your my girl and I want to keep it that way. I love you y/n.” He spit it all out like he couldn’t stop talking. “I love you and I wont let anything in this world keep us apart anymore. But I’m losing myself and I don’t want to lose you too. If there was something I could do to take back what I said.. I would do it in a heartbeat.” He took a deep breath.

“I can’t control myself without you. I can feel your touch even when your far away from me.”

Your mind was hazy. You couldn’t think correctly.

“Please say something.” He was teary eyed at this point. “I’m so dumb I should’ve told you all of this before you even left my house.”

“Come inside, your getting soaked.” You finally spoke.

He smiled warmly and walked inside.

“I brought something too…” he pulled a rello and a baggie of weed.

“You know me too well.” You sniffled, smiled softly and whispered a quiet ‘come here’ and walked to your porch

You sat on your rolling area and he sat beside you. He handed you the bag and rello and you started rolling.

————

You guys were laughing up a storm after smoking. High out of your minds, your thoughts started to come out.

“I didn’t want to break up either by the way.” You say taking a bit of the second blunt in your fingers.

“I figured.” You gave him a look.

“What does that mean?” You giggled.

“Cmon y/n. I know you. If you wanted to break up you woulda done it a while ago.” You shrugged while passing him the blunt.

“Your not wrong.” You took a drink of your water, “even when we were strictly only friends, everyone but you saw how in love I was with you.” This was all knew to him.

“How long have you liked me?”

“Maybe since like.. senior year of high school.” His mouth dropped open.

“Are you serious?” You nodded.

“Well I’ve liked you since like… freshman year.”

“Of college?” He shook his head.

“High school.” You mouth flew open and your eyes were wide open.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He shrugged.

“We had such a good friendship. I didn’t want to ruin it.. butttt… now I know your my soulmate I don’t need to worry about that anymore.” You blushed.

“Sooo… you wanna be my girlfriend again?” He asked.

“Hm I dunno… are you gonna be my boyfriend?” You tease.

“Of course.” He kissed you.

You pulled away from the kiss. “Wait a minute. You’ve liked me for 8 years?” He laughed.

“Love is love what can I say?”

[tokuteasings]

Kiss Headcanons: Narumi Akiko, Sonozaki Wakana, Sonozaki Saeko

As requested by my dearest partner @lunalove25​, kiss headcanons for the W girls~! Man...I love them so much fuck-

Warnings: I’ve kept this as spoiler free as I can due to this is Luna’s first Kamen Rider show. So...if y’all know....y’all know. ;)

Also uh kinda nsfw

Narumi Akiko

Akiko’s kisses are as spontaneous as she is! Whenever she sees you, she tends to tackle you and smother you in kisses! She’s a very naturally affectionate woman so she can and will zone in on you from like the other side of Fuuto just to tackle you and kiss you. You cannot escape from her or her kisses. Accept your damn fate and just take them. After all, you can’t really just deny her! She’s gonna pout and whine out, “But I miss you~!” and just give you the biggest fucking puppy eyes a girl could give. You crumble immediately and let her continue her onslaught of affection.

As such, Akiko isn’t shy about PDA at all. She does this in front of everyone in the Narumi Detective agency, much to the groaning of Shotaro and the shrug of Philip. Despite this, the pair do care about Akiko and would give you “the talk” but they know Akiko can take care of herself. It doesn’t stop them from teasing her sometimes...or being exhausted by her. But in general, Akiko adores PDA and will just go out on it. Kisses to your lips, neck, cheeks, forehead, eyelids, etc! She has so much pent up affection that she HAS to get it out! Perhaps it’s because of the absence of her father or her general lack of people she has connected so deeply with...Akiko has become rather clingy because of it. 

But her favorite kisses are the lazy ones. To harken back to Soukichi, because of his death...Akiko fears the worst sometimes. She can hide it easily because of her peppy demeanor but she has this smile that never reaches her eyes and you can tell immediately. So these lazy kisses are the kisses she makes count; especially if you’re on some sort of front line work (Rider, police, paramedic, etc etc) or live in an area with a high amount of Dopant attacks. Akiko worries about you day to day so these sorts of kisses are slow and she pours all of her love into them for you. She clings on to you when she does this, and doesn’t stop until you two run out of air. 

Akiko is the most fucking clingy ass bitch you have ever seen. Constant texts and calls, full of emojis and kaomojis and of course, pictures! She sends them to you whenever she’s lonely and/or bored. She cannot live without your kisses and makes this beyond apparent. She’ll send you texts and calls, asking when she’ll see you again or when you can kiss her again! Shotaro is beyond annoyed.

In the end, Akiko’s kisses are full of love and affection and you can never get rid of them. They’re like glue and cling on to you just as much as she does. She has this loud love for you that is shown with every single word she says or her actions. But honestly, Akiko just loves love itself. She gives you cheek kisses and saves the photos of your surprised face to her phone. To her, love is something shown in volumes and you always know that you’re important to her. That being said, the best way to make her fluster is to give her surprise kisses in return! Just grab her by her collar and slam your lips together~!

Sonozaki Wakana: 

Wakana’s kisses taste of expensive lipstick and the better things in life. She kisses with a sense of purpose and drive that is found within someone who has a constantly busy life. Her kisses feel like determined clacks of heels upon the ground, she knows what she wants and how she will get it. She will not be denied in any and all aspects. This princess is spoiled, high-strung, and knows her worth. As such, you will too. Wakana is a selfish yet selfless lover and her kisses take your breath away. She lays claim to your lips quite often, sometimes as a way to unleash the frustrations of her life, and other times...she just misses you.

PDA does not fucking exist. Simply due to her nature as an idol and while she doesn’t care much about her fans knowing about her relationship with you, she tries to keep it on the down low due to the target that will eventually be on your back. She knows what it’s like to live with your head on a swivel and she refuses to let you feel the same thing. She also will keep this relationship a secret from her family. However, when she does have a chance, Wakana will pepper kisses to your cheeks and lips. These are always kick and ethereal, as though they don’t exist in the first place. She always has this cute little flush on her face that you can tease her about...if you want, if you don’t value your life. Kissing her back just to tease her is also really good.

As her partner, you tend to have a clue on what her little tuts and tsks of her tongue mean If there is a tsk with a higher octave and dry sounding, she's upset with dealing with people. If its a normal tsk sound, shes annoyed with everyday life If there is a tsk with her hands halfway upwards towards her mouth like she's going to chew on her nails but brought back down, that is the cue you need to kiss her fingers and take her mind off of whatever stresses she has that moment. She used to destroy her nails when stressed so kissing them helps take her mind off of her old habit. Plus, it’s like the best way to make her flustered!

Wakana isn’t super clingy, or she claims to not be clingy, but in reality she kind of is. She sends you constant texts with message wondering when you’re going to meet up with her. So sometimes, these clingy little kisses are legit the best thing in the world. Her manicured nails are clinging on to you and never letting you go. There’s this underlying sense of, “I don’t want to let you go.” and how she will definitely fight everything in the world just to be by your side. Verbally, she won’t admit it too much but...you can tell.

Wakana adores the kisses that are found between the two of you whenever you’re alone. There’s something not really taboo about your relationship but sometimes it’s fun sneaking around unbeknownst to anyone. However, those quiet kisses that serve to take away the breath of both of you are just...coming to you both naturally. They’re always under some sort of starry sky, or in your home that Wakana had snuck into, just to see you. It’s these kisses that she starts with your eyelids because she wants you to take in all of her. If you blink, she will not forgive you. But then when she kisses your lips, it’s magic and extremely blessed - with all of the loveliness of the earth flowing into you. 

Sonozaki Saeko

Kissing Saeko is like tasting smoke, vine, lipstick, and literally every single fine dining taste you could think of. If you think Wakana is high maintenance, Saeko is something else. She is a woman that knows what she wants, and she will stop at nothing to get it. This includes kisses as well. These kisses are brief, but passionate, calculated even. A confident little streak in her that you have come to expect. She takes charge in everything she does, and grips your chin to force you to peer up or down at her. She demands your attention, and to take it off of her is taboo. She is going to take up your space and that is final. 

Saeko, similar to Wakana, would appreciate hand kisses. As the Taboo Dopant, she generates energy in her hands most of the time and is very skilled with her hand. When she first became used to her Dopant form, her hands were noticeably rather raw. She, thus, takes very good care of them. Kissing her hands does give her a power trip but it shows her that not only do you love her, you care for her, through thick and thin. She does the same to you as well, kissing your hands and fingers is something intimate for her. To Saeko, kissing your hands and fingers is this nonverbal “thank you” for always taking care of her - things she cannot properly say out loud.

She does not mind showing you off to her father and even Wakana, along with her staff and subordinates. You’re basically untouchable by anyone. She doesn’t mind much PDA but it’s rather sparse. It’s mostly shared between the two of you in hallways or in her office whenever you two are alone. It’s quiet moments like these that make Saeko honestly...purr in happiness. She would reach out to you and drag her towards her own lips, pressing them to yours and they just tell you everything she can’t. 

Saeko is secretly passionate as well. When she’s relaxing at last with you, and especially after some cups of wine, her kisses become...not sloppy per-say but more so relaxed. She does this thing where her well manicured nails grip your hair and tug you in closer. Maybe she’s in your lap or you’re in hers. It’s this exchange of air and love that you two are hesitant to leave. Once you two part, you just press your foreheads together in this rare moment of affection and smile this ageless smile and no words are exchanged because...who needs them?

Saeko’s legs, similar to her hands, are sensitive due to her nature as the Taboo Dopant. She also tends to get a lot more migraines also due to the heavy mental strain that Taboo gives her. She adores kisses to her forehead and head in general, helping to ease her pain away. Kisses to her legs are also a fave of hers due to her being sensitive there along with the fusing of her legs whenever she turns into a Dopant. They’re painful to be like that so kissing her thighs and legs are a ticklish but utterly welcome sensation. 

[definitelynotshouting]

OK! ANON HERE WITH THE FIRST ROUND OF ANALYSIS/SCREAMING INTO THE VOID. (I have more quotes but i dont want to overwhelm you and do them all at once)

-☀️

"This fantasy carries him through the rest of the night, past false dawn and into the early onset of staccato birdsong. Grian stares blearily at the bleeding warmth creeping in through the window; gentle golden hands that march over the floorboards and press their palms against the walls. They're less frenetic than the moonlight had been— the shadows here are dappled, innocent things, splaying over stripped bark and playing in the whorls within planks. They breathe depth into this tiny, wooden box, shifting slowly under daylight's cautious curve into the sky, until scintillating rays curl like shackles around his wrists."

- the word choice in this is just so masterful. It's so TENSE, Grian's emotions and thoughts are a complete mess, and this is mirrored even in how you describe the environment. It feels like nothing is safe, which is brilliant, because Grian's currently driving through life on a cord as thin as silk. Its the way even the birdsong is frantic and unsafe "staccato". The "gentle" hands that harden to "march" and "press". Things start out kindly, and then the words become harsh and cold, and this just perfectly reflects how mistrustful Grian is. Nothing makes sense to him; everything is out to get him.

-☀️

"Grian snorts without meaning to, then claps a hand over his mouth, something ugly coagulating in his heart. He doesn't deserve this kind of laughter, this reluctant amusement simmering in his chest. It burns him from the inside out, scorching the back of his throat; hot coals between clenched teeth. Grian inhales embers, exhales ash, and summons every spare ounce of willpower at his disposal to keep his voice from shaking."

- Oh, this. This hurts so much. I can talk about how bird boy's mental state is so poor he's even depraving himself of laughter, and how this is an extension of how he started out starving himself of food, then sleep, now laughter. The fire imagery here is so potent as well. He's burning himself from the inside out, which i feel like is such good imagery for what is actually happening: his code breaking apart. Mans IS literally coming apart from the inside. Ough

-☀️

"It's a pretty effect; it makes Grian's gut plummet all the way down to his lap."

- CRYING CRYING CRYING

- They know each other so well. Grian and Scar learnt each other's tells under the desert sun. He understands how tension and anger and sadness plays on Scar's face and body language when theyre in the games, and in those games everyone's emotions are caused by grian. But now theyre not even in the games and all grian can see is how HIS existence is hurting the people he loves most

-☀️

That's all im going to do for now. Thank you for tearing out my heart and smashing it on the pavement <3

(Also idk if you want me to leave an anon identifier? Maybe i can just stick with the ☀️ if no one else has taken it?)

HEY ANON. WHAT IF I CRIED AND SOBBED AND WEPT!!!!!! HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO !!!!!!!! /POS /POS /POS!!!!!!! LOSING MY MIND RN IM GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR SO EXCITEDLY THIS JUST MADE MY ENTIRE DAY

hooooly shit i cannot thank you enough this is so kind and wonderful and just!!!!!! listen i LIVE for people analyzing my writing bc i try to put SO MUCH into it, as much as i can possibly cram without oversaturating, and to see people pick up on this stuff is like being handed an immaculately wrapped present every single time. This is truly making my mind go crazy im so fucking happy rn oh my gods, thank you so much this is such an incredible treat

Im not sure if the sun emoji has been taken or not (i think i had another one a long time ago???? but im not sure if you're the same one or not djehdjdjr) but!!! Absolutely feel free to leave an emoji identifier, whatever you want!! :D i rlly enjoy seeing regulars in the inbox so absolutely feel free to do that if ur comfortable!!!!!

[misscammiedawn]

What is your favorite soothing song? The one where even without the lyrics just the melody and the memory would calm your soul down deep.

Actually, I have a really good answer for this:

Empty Streets by Late Night Alumni (and also Breathe by Telepopmusik) were grounding songs for me. I used to be really stressed out all of the time and when I broke I would just put on headphones and listen to either of these songs and find my way back in to my body. I once had this happen on a car ride and my former partner was mystified by the ritual because, in her words, "we handle stress in very different ways."

Story time!

I used to run a movie theater. Technically a remote market. I am still in touch with the two protégés I left behind to handle things after I left. I liked what I did. I was good at it.

But running a movie theatre is no joke. It's insanely hard work.

Every year I used to have Winter Holiday a week before the 25th because movie theatres December 23rd-Jan 6th is YOU MUST WORK time. It was snowing and my former partner and I were driving from the state we lived to where her parents lived, two states over. The weather was crappy. People were driving awful and she was needing me to provide a lot of grounding in discussing roleplay stuff and being engaged in conversation. I was on edge and couldn't really relax.

Then I got a call from my boss in Kansas.

There was a crappy James Franco comedy movie about North Korea called The Interview. N.K had declared that should this movie come out, as scheduled, on Christmas day then a theatre in the country would be attacked. That call was from the higher ups saying that our company were complying with the demands and taking down the movie and I had a list of instructions to pass on.

So I get to it and as I am working with catching up, texting info and calling my team I find out the next thing had happened. A CO2 tank ran out and all of the soda in the building was offline. A week before the Busy Season this isn't life ending, but it means I need to call our contacts in NuCO, my property manager and the team at the neighboring theatre, call my boss back to see if this is a closure worthy situation and then call my team back with information on the situation.

I sometimes tell people about this thing I have called "Utility Mode" (Tilly for short!) where I just drop all systems unimportant to Handling The Thing and I **DEAL WITH IT**. I was in that and it was spiking my former partner's anxiety while she was driving.

In retrospect I should have requested we pull over at the next stop.

Bit by bit I got things handled. I had the trailers for the offensive movie taken down and a plan to remove the marketing, refund presales and print out information for visitors at the theatre that day. I had a list of beverages which we could sell, vouchers out for those who wanted carbonated beverages, the truck on priority to be there within 2 hours and my facility guy to coordinate the beverage room and get the pipes flowing again because air bubbles would knock the system offline if we didn't flush them before the CO2 arrived.

I cannot say how long the process took but we were still in Michigan so less than 90 minutes.

Afterwards my former partner, severely rattled from seeing me in this mode which she did not see me in often (more sympathy in retrospect, given new Understandings in my life) tried to calm me down and I told her to focus on the road and let me Handle This. She was upset but complied.

I then listened to Empty Streets in its entirety with my eyes closed and just settled back into my body.

I have no idea why that song grounds me. It reminds me a lot of London. Especially in the time of life when I was living on my own and just liked to walk the West End at 1am. Something about that connection really just vibes.

I dunno.

Anyway, not quite the Answer you were expecting, but one that was nice for me to type out.

[kharmeleon]

4 years ago today my life changed

I was hit by a car and lost my job

A year ago today my life was not looking good

I was living in the floor of my apartment in st kilda

I was addicted to drugs

And my insurance payments ended

I was told to go to Centrelink and apply for the pension

And I wanted my life to end

Today I’m doing much better

All things considered

I had a wisdom tooth pulled out

The procedure took and hour and a half

It was very uncomfortable however for the past month I had been dealing with almost constant pain

Coupled with the stress of a modern life

And since I had no one to drive me there and back again

I did the procedure without any Valium

Not exactly a choice

But one I was ready and able to deal with

I have become an expert in deep breathing

And removing my mind from the reality I am in

And taking it far away

I have my fantasy world

The one I use to help me fall asleep

When my mind won’t rest

Stress from work and following up payments has me smoking way too many cigarettes

Maybe I should of taken the pension

But I was tired of living that way

I wish I could say I paid for this procedure myself

But since my last boss won’t pay me for an entire month of paving work

I had to borrow the money

I’m lucky I have that option

I’m lucky my family are there for me

And I miss them more then ever

Ontop of all this I also have the flu

Ironically I had the flu when the car hit me too

Life moving in circles

Or spirals

I still cannot tell

I woke up to my roommate telling me to leave

I couldn’t deal with the conversation right now

I do not feel she is being fair

But I have no leg to stand on

And I cannot afford the stress of another pointless argument

Especially with the open wound that’s in my mouth

I can’t expect her to understand what I’m going through

And I wonder

If this conversation will continue

This tumblr feed

I am sure that one day you will stop posting

And it will be the last of this connection we have

I’m starting to think it’s time to go home

That I’m not welcome here

That it’s an uphill battle I cannot win

That this city is starting to turn itself

That I should start preparing

For the journey home

Some wounds never fully heal

And I have a place for me in paradise

And I will miss the friends I made

Things could always be worse

Every time I think I have seen the finish line

It moves further away

But I have lived with these pains and these annoyances and the curse of a thousand little mistakes and a hundred big ones

So bring it on

There isn’t much that can hurt me now

And besides

That was my last wisdom tooth

The next July 17th can’t be as bad as the last two

I’ll touch wood and drink to that 🥃

[daryfromthefuture]

BTTF AU MASTERPOST

*takes a deep breath*

okay, i want to bring some order into my aus. thus i am making a post about every au that i feel is worth mentioning (some of these are very recent, some of them not lmao). some of them also have like zero content BUT i love them a lot and they're good for brainstorming.

warning. this is a lot

that being said, feel free to send me questions about any of the aus! i'll be only too happy to answer :D

STUCK IN 1885 AU/"UNTIL I GET HOME"-VERSE

as the title suggests, this is an au where doc and marty end up getting stuck in 1885 instead of going home to 1985 post bttf 3. it's obviously not a concept that i myself came up with, but rather my own version of it.

you can read my fic (titled "until i get home", thus the name for this au lol) for it here. i don't want to elaborate on the au further since i don't want to spoil the fic for those who may have interest in reading it. but yeah, that's the idea :)

SOULMATE AU

okay, basic idea: there are two kinds of soulmates - romantic and platonic. you and your romantic soulmate share a mark (almost tattoo-like) on your right wrist, and you and your platonic one share one on your left wrist, romantic soulmarks are usually red-pinkish, and platonic ones are blue. they're in the form of a symbol that stands for your relationship (e.g. doc and clara would have a star because of their shared interest in space/astronomy).

when you haven't met your soulmate yet, your mark is grey. if your soulmate isn't born yet, it only has grey outlines. it turns fully colored as soon as you meet them. when your soulmate dies, your mark turns grey again and slowly starts disappearing. there's the possibility that you ruin your relationship to the point that the mark fades away without your soulmate being dead. if that happens, you have lost that person forever and your relationship cannot be restored (like, if a fight happened or something and you break up/quit your friendship).

doc and marty have a soulmark in the form of a flux capacitor. also its pretty wild for doc who meets his platonic soulmate possibly as early as in 1931, then marty leaves and the soulmark's outlines turn grey (because marty hasn't been born yet). he also believed that he didn't have a romantic soulmate because he didn't have a mark lol. he gets one as soon as he arrives in 1885 because clara was alive back then.

another perk is that the soulmates can feel each other's pain/emotions, so throughout the trilogy doc knows exactly how marty is feeling and where to find him because another thing is that the soulmates can communicate via thoughts.

okay i think that pretty much covers it-

"THE FRIGHTENERS" - AU

the lovely @jayisnotdrawing and i came up with this back in january after watching the mjf film "the frighteners". the au is basically the plot of the movie but with bttf characters.(so. spoilers ahead)

marty is frank bannister, the guy who lives alone in an isolated house, talking to three ghosts - his bandmates who had mysteriously died a few years back. he has given up on music and became a paranormal investigator instead, as these weird death cases keep happening. he's also very upset because his best friend, doc, has died in a car crash due to marty not driving carefully enough (doc has not died because of the car crash but because of the myterious heart attack that also killed marty's bandmates). marty can't see doc's ghost, however. i dont remember why but i think it was bc marty's bandmates were kinda stuck between heaven and earth and thus had a part-life on earth idk

ALSO marty is the only one who can see ghosts because he basically witnessed doc being killed and was almost taken away himself.

he meets jennifer, who had just lost her roommate lucy to that heart attack. toegther, they team up to find out what's going on. turns out it's the ghost of the murderer kid tannen, who had died in a murder trial, and continues killing people by "squeezing" their hearts as a ghost. edna is still alive and helps him, and jennifer and marty have to stop them - and marty is their only hope because he's the one seeing ghosts.

he also ends up getting doc back by the way

THIS was a rant and i hope it makes sense-

DRAGON DOC AU

this is my version of a bttf fairytale lmao

marty is the prince of the mcfly kingdom. however, he doesn't want to be a prince and his parents are getting fed up with him. so they send him on a quest to kill the "dangerous" dragon who has been hiding in a cave forever to get rid of him so he can prove himself as a knight/prince. marty leaves the castle, desperate for adventure, and reaches the cave.

however, upon getting go know the dragon, he realizes that he's quite nice. marty doesn't want to kill the dragon anymore and instead "moves in" with him, being sick of his life as a prince. he affectionately nicknames the dragon "doc" because the creature has a lot of science/alchemy equipment stashed in his cave.

marty's parents send for him and take him back home, disappointed that he didn't kill the dragon, and ground him. however, marty sneaks out and convinces doc to hide him from his parents. marty is very happy with his new dragon dad and actually feels respected for the firsf time in forever, but then gets kidnapped by evil wizard biff.

doc has to save him but gets wounded in a fight, and marty is convinced that he lost doc. it turns out that marty actually saved doc, who had been turned into a dragon by biff decades ago with the condition that only true loyalty to his dragon form would ever turn him back into a human. marty's friendship with the dragon and the way he cared for him when he was hurt allowed doc to become a human again. also doc is a wizard as well, a very powerful one at that, and he can finally turn biff to dust.

@fiddlstyx drew a very cute piece based on this, and you can find it here!

1940s AUs

stuck in the 40s au

au in which marty, on a road trip with doc, takes the delorean to explore los alamos in 1945. getting lost, he hides the delorean in a cave far away from the town and manages to catch a ride back. he finds him in the middle of the manhattan project, and sneaks in after finding doc there. however, he is suspected to be a spy and is not permitted to leave the base.

the first time he leaves is with doc, who had already accepted him in his life, to get the time machine back before the trinity test. well, who knew that the car was in the explosion range - and due to a delay marty and doc arrive five minutes before "the gadget" goes off...

(i wrote a 12k word story for this which is coming to ao3 soon, be a little patient please kdfgks)

famous scientist doc au

(working title for the au lol. i literally came up with this today)

the delorean malfunctions, and since this is the car from the animated series, it crashlands marty in new mexico instead of hill valley, where he actually wanted to be to get some answers concerning his family tree. again, marty meets doc in los alamos, who tells him he'd been offered a higher position at the manhattan project but considers turning it down. marty talks him into accepting it, wanting his friend to earn at least some respect.

back in 1985, marty finds out that due to his interference, doc had been made director of his project and had become world famous. he had been pressured into contributing to the hydrogen bomb, getting fed up to the point where he faked his death and moved into a village under a false name, isolating himself from society. marty has to convince doc to fix the delorean after crashlanding in said village so he can go back in time to fix things.

OKAY IM DONE. i think. yeah.

if anyone has made it until here - congrats. im proud of you.

i don't know what content i'm going to make for any of these aus, but i don't want them to get lost - so here they are, for y'all to read and enjoy!

thanks for reading jkdgfs

[peacht44]

And like also I NEVER want to get married again 🖕🏻🖕🏻 if we can’t belong to each other without some patriarchal outdated FOOLISHNESS then I don’t want it. I stayed trapped in an abusive relationship only because of some dumb piece of paper and peoples conceptions of me/my life/my ex. How to say “sorry you spent $10k on a dream wedding to the absolute wrong one, help me before he kills me”? There literally aren’t words.

Then it follows with “oh and sorry about the $150k hospital bill and almost dying cuz of my car wreck, I live in permanent chronic pain from it every day so I mostly just wish I were dead fr and the docs hadn’t saved my sorry ass literally over 10 times on night one every time I coded, I was trying to outrun that crazy man trying to chase me while we were driving. And sorry I lived through it all but then wound up in ANOTHER shitty abusive relationship and all of the self esteem and love and self respect I found when I healed from my wreck has gone completely out the window for a liar, a cheater, a master manipulator, another angry man taking his world problems out on me physically and verbally when he can’t control himself, believe me I wish I had toughed that break(up) out a little better and moved on but I came back and now I am IN IT with both feet firmly planted on the scorched earth beneath me….because of his kids 😭 who have both begun acknowledging me as their official stepmom (without the dumb piece of paper and tax breaks) and I could breathe because, finally my chance to be a mother since I can’t do it in this shitty body, to a beautiful SMART driven goal crushing young woman who just had her first baby herself at 23 (and has such similar trauma it eerie and I want to be there for her so badly), who completely flipped her entire life upside down when they told her YOU CANT so she said BET WATCH ME and I literally burst with pride every achievement she accomplishes (so fast too) and the higher she climbs to more my hope and faith in humanity swell to inhuman sizes until I’m literally radiating glitter from every pore and rainbows from my fingertips. and also to a young man of 6 almost 7 who is my literal soul mate in this life, and being in his life since 2 I absolutely cannot picture mine without him. He’s here for summer vacay and asleep in our bed (cuz duh it’s 4:30 am and I’m in a depression bath, cigarette ashes and all), and all I want is to be able to crawl onto my side hold him tight and wish for him to never grow up (and if he has to, to turn into a different man than his father). So sorry tor all of these things and how many times you saved me but I don’t have family any more or friends and i cannot leave or live without the two (now 3) humans who make me genuinely happier than I’ve ever been” 😭 😭 but if it matters to anyone I am non-writing this internal monologue to, I am miserable in a hell of my own making and the last thing I want to lose is those kids because I won’t survive that heartbreak. That’s a non romantic Cornelia Street type of heartbreak I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed over. I won’t ever be the same and I adore and love them both (now 3 even though I haven’t met the baby yet but soon!!) more than my own life.

So I wouldn’t marry me either, a pathological people pleaser, 🗣️ WHO ONLY WANTED YOU TO SEE HER 🗣️

It ends with: I’m currently indoctrinating them both into Swiftianity 🙏🏻 ⛪️ so take us to church Blondie , I need something good to have hope for 🙌🏻

#rant

you're losing me - taylor swift / the wedding dress - frederick w. elwell

[hello-there]

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[yooblesyuh]

I think im fucking dying.And nobody is helping me

I’ve had to go to the ER 3 Times this month(And it only just started☹️) for the same reason -Asthma attack-rib pain-vomiting in that exact order.

Before my first asthma attack I let my primary care doctors know that I have had some trouble with breathing without coughing and wheezing constantly for a week.Ive had these symptoms on and off for years and it usually ends with me getting prescribed steroids for a few weeks and a emergency visit to the ER so they can give me a breathing treatment.But this time they just told me too take some children’s Sudafed and Claritin They said I don’t need a permanent inhaler and that this was probably something viral despite this happening routinely and both my parents having asthma

In the span of a week or so I had downed 4 bottles of coughing syrup just for nothing.My wheezing got worse and I was coughing so hard I iterated my ribs.This leads us up to my first ER visit.I had major rib pain and wheezing at that point but I didn’t go to the ER until I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I started throwing up because of how hard I was coughing.At the ER they also told me that I didn’t need a Inhaler But proceeded to give me a breathing treatment and steroids like usual.This helped for one night and the very next day I had to return to the ER because again I felt like I want able to keep air inside my lungs and now the vomiting and coughing just became much more violent.This time they did finally give me a inhaler(not permanent)And another breathing treatment.The third visit to the ER was prolonged but still similar too the first 2 times

This all wouldn’t have even happened if I was just given the inhaler when I was wheezing and coughing and it’s not like now that I have a inhaler I’m never going to go through this again because I’m still not diagnosed with asthma even though I just had to get a breathing treatment 2 nights in a row And the inhaler that I do have will only last me so long.As soon as it runs out I guess I’ll just die

I’ve had these symptoms of asthma for years And I understood why I wasn’t qualified for a inhaler but that was when I was just having a little wheezing every few months Now I’m struggling to breathe Every day during the night which just causes a chain of events that causes me to go to even more doctors that I cannot afford to go to even with Medicaid and insurance Especially since they are basically just telling me to thug it out and take some medicine meant for toddlers.

The only reason I’ve been surviving any of this is because of my mom who has to carry me from my out of my bed and administer my medicine then drive me to the hospital.Without her I would A.suffocate or B.Choke on my own vomit then suffocate.I don’t even want to sleep anymore because I know one of these days I’m not going to wake up.

I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday If they don’t consider letting me have a permanent inhaler I actually don’t know what I might do.

I just really needed to yap about that because I feel like everybody is watching me in the process of death and not caring at all.Ive already missed out on so much of my life I think I might just end it all if I have to live like this forever

[percontaion-points]

EGOD chapter 9

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions

Click here for the rest of the series!

Chapter 9

“I tried to fly as far away from you as possible. I went as far as the Aerwyna border but I discovered that I could fly to the edge of the earth and you will always call to me. Like a heartbeat waiting for the next, your heart will always call to mine.” Avery rubbed his ear up my neck, his trembling voice sounded in my ear. “I can’t breathe without you by my side. I cannot move, think, eat, smell or live without you. Tell me you fucking forgive me, tell me I can have you, and I will do anything in my power to make up for everything I’ve done.”

Did you… ever consider any of this before you took a shot at her without warning her first? 

Wrapping her arm around my back, she yanked me closer, pressing her lips on mine. Her hand moved inside my shirt to cup my breast and an arousing heat moved through my body, shooting to my core and I sucked in a breath. 

Fuck, she did have erotic powers. Powerful ones. 

She deepened the kiss, and a fervid heat tore through me where her hand was caressing my breast. Every single touch of her skin against mine sent shooting waves of desire and need up my body. 

“Now.” She pulled back, panting as she pinched the tips of my breast. “Tell me where they are.”

 “I don’t think so.”

 She twisted my nipple, sending a shooting pain through my chest that made me cry out.

Quick question: what the everliving fucking hell is this?

She grabbed my hair again and jerked me towards her. “No one out there gives a shit about you.” She slammed my head against the door, crushing my nose. Blood gushed out, dripping onto my shirt. I slid down the door, tears streaming from my eyes. 

This is way less suspenseful when the series is finished, and all of them have “Elizabeth” in the title somehow. 

He nodded, kissing the top of my head. “Always.”

Chapter 9 summary: They go to see Andre the day before their scheduled meeting with him, if only because they want to try and catch him off guard. As they’re going into the government building, Avery shows up and begs for Liz’s forgiveness. She tells him that he’s going to have to earn her trust back.

In Andre’s office, he’s quick to deflect all of their questions, which let me tell you, doesn’t exactly make him believable when he denies doing any of this. On their way out, Andre’s secretary randomly hands Liz the second artefact Aria asked them to get. 

As they’re driving home, their car gets rammed by a black SUV, and then boxed in by another as they try to escape. Despite their best efforts, they eventually get overtaken. 

Liz wakes up being held hostage by somebody named Ember. Was she in a previous book? Who fucking knows; not me. Anyway, she gives her “tragic” backstory, which is that she grew up next to Aria, and always felt like the queen asked way too much of her while offering up “nothing” in return. The first thing she has to do is to kill Liz. 

However, she randomly has erotic magic, and she goes down on Liz. And normally, I’m all for the lesbian stuff, but let’s not kid ourselves: not only is it rape, but Ember also uses LIz’s desire for more orgasms to convince her to do evil stuff. 

Eventually, Liam comes in, but Ember kills him. Even though he was one of her partners in crime. But not too long after this, Gerald and Liz’s boys come in and quickly kill Ember.

Gerald tells Liz to use her powers on Liam’s dead body to bring him back, so she does that. Liam is upset over Ember’s dead body, and Gerald has to hold him back. 

As they leave the area, they see all of these dead guards, and Liz can’t help but think how funny it is that Ember was a self-absorbed twat waffle who wouldn’t give her life to help her best friend, yet asked all of these people to give up their lives for her. 

[cature]

🏹 ) NARNIA. an ongoing collection of snippets that drive me absolutely bonkers. i think susan pevensie should be allowed to skin that lion-who-is-god. i think lewis had nothing worth listening to to say about her, about how she mourned and packed up and lived without the loss of her country and people a second time over, about her rejection of the innocence of youth and the wisdom of age, and about what that means for the kingdom of heaven. loadbearing “i was raised catholic and repressed 99% of it” elaborate mind palace. all i ever do is listen to lion’s teeth by the mountain goats and spiral psychologically. when being the final girl is a condemnation, and being the first girl is an anointment to lead the rapture. spits.

🧭 ) COMPELS ME, THOUGH. speaking of delusions, psychosis, visions from oracles and beggars alike, prophecy, reincarnation, and soulmate theory. a collection of lines and images that were designed atomically to have me pacing the house for days murmuring “the kingdom of god is within you because you ate it” like a maniac. the closest i will get to talking about when the line is crossed from a normal interaction with a story to a flicker of a moment stood before the throne of the jewel of all-desiring. something something nausicaa of the valley of the wind something something the ballad of tam lin something something the tempest. a homesickness.

🗡️ ) MARTYRDOM. being alone in being chosen, being too pure or too bright or too unyielding to ever suffer the ignomity of touch. it’s about the enforced inhumanity that can turn you into an angel or an animal depending on the day. how isolation changes the way you view yourself and your existence. the oracle writing on the floor predicts that winter will come again in its turn and everyone holds their breath. that quote about joan of arc not being shocked that the arrow hit her as predicted, but shocked that it should hurt. burning alive feels like nothing else ever will again.

🦇 ) BURY ME SHALLOW. being cast aside, and devoting your heart forever after to clawing down the walls that were built to keep you out. it’s about making eye contact with your own death after the fact and refusing to lie down and rot obediently, about making everyone who would avert their eyes see every worm and every piece of bone. a resentful collection of the obvious vampire aesthetic that i never see elsewhere: fabric in strips, slick from the too-dark earth of your own grave, hair growing after burial not as an urban myth but as a small warning.

🫀 ) WAR OF THE ROSES. being bitter at your miserable fate and choosing it whole-heartedly anyway, walking to the gallows with your face clean. it’s about outclassing everyone around you and being stoned in the street for it. it’s about pathetic jealousy having more weight in the world than any work to establish a future worth living in ever will. it’s about a years long parasocial relationship with a dead woman formed as i was studying to become an investigative journalist so my “inevitable” death would be one with weight that retroactively justified my existence in the world.

🍞 ) TAM LIN. people focus a lot on the comedy aspects of janet falling pregnant and returning home, and not enough on her desperate lonely mission to pick a rose that could kill her quickly. it’s a story that starts alone and afraid and resigned and asks her to do a thousand impossibilities both magical and personal in her effort to carve out a real lived life. and yeah, okay, it is also about me losing my mind at the idea of keeping what you hold onto. “you are forever responsible for what you have tamed,” and so forth. i like when fairie tests are easy enough to win if you mean what you promised and cannot be put off from it by temporary pain or risk.

🦪 ) RUSALKA. this one is right on the middling line of wisher (theurgist, fatalist) thoughts and identifying an alarming amount with being a selkie. what are those swans of myth without their feathered cloaks? what would you do, forced to be human without flinch or reprieve? why not the reverse? why not walk into the river and see what it can make of your mutton fat heart? the catacombs of paris are dry, the tower of london airy, carterhaugh beautiful. the river is none of those things. the bolton strid runs deep and dark but ends in pondscum all the same.

🧵 ) CRANE WIFE. and then, on the other hand. there is the tower. in shalott, in myth, in fairytale sung. girls weave straw into gold in the tower. girls weave hair into rope in the tower. girls weave nettles into shirts for swans, their hands blistered and burning. girls creep down beneath the bough of the earth, giggling, and dance their shoes to bloody ribbons. girls glide across the river beneath the moon with beautiful wings. girls glide across the river beneath the opera house in beautiful boats. the girlhood in these myths is required, for the opal shine, and removable at any time.

🪦 ) PENULTIMATE GIRL. girl dead before the story starts, girl dead in the final act, girl helping the killer who needs to be disposed of (by him or by his prey), girl who lives to the end of the film and remembers it next time, girl trapped in a web, girl trapped on a stage, girl trapped in your memories, girl trapped in the vcr player as you rewind her, girl who knows what will happen as if it came to her in a nightmare, girl who exists as a polaroid in evidence, girl in the freezer in the attic in the walls in the garden in the well in the basement, girl whose spirit must be helping us to escape, girl whose spirit must be cursing us to her same fate, girl next door, girl from school, girl who lives down the street, girl you know, boring girl, dead girl, forgotten already.

🌙 ) STILL LEFT WITH THE RIVER. god ok this is a doctor who tag. bang gavel death penalty etc. i made it so long and so far without cracking. you have to give me credit for that. cmon. that has to could for something. eugh. anyway! soulmate theory gone wrong! soulmate theory gone completely right if you look at the facts of what it means and not the propaganda! soulmate theory gone, just gone, connection knotted up and rotting and tugged on again and again without mercy, connection red-raw from over-use, connection unhealing and unhealed in equal parts. when every part of your heart has been cut up and used and cooked and eaten in turn, when you have been every and each thing you can be to another to just one person, when it is unwordable and unthinkable but utterly humiliatingly knowable.

🦷 ) FREEZER BRIDAL. depression untreatable , future unobservable, high risk low reward pussy. drawing stained glass effigies of myself being hanged in my attic or burned at the stake or discovered in the crawlspace. flies all over everything in the corners of my vision. blame my distractions for the rotting milk in my sink and ignore the boundless lonely years before i had them when i would sit in silence and dream up a life where i was somehow still hated and alone and isolated from the places i desperately wanted to belong. maladaptive daydreaming so unexpectedly onset and severe that it nearly killed me still echoing down my bones convincing me to try again, to just lie down a little longer, to nap instead of eating, to eat until i’m sick and then sleep again, to drink, to give up.

🪞 ) TOWNHOUSE HEART. kind of a shattering. a thousand ways of being one person that feel so bisected and distinct in the moment - but which will, hopefully, come together into a cohesive whole. east and south may feel like strangers on a compass, may feel seperate, or estranged. but they have more in common with one another than they lack. dissociative trauma responses are similar, to me. i expect i will find out what this reflection means years after i begin to assemble the pieces. six blind men inspect an elephant.

📻 ) TAKE OFF YOUR COLOURS. homesickness that doesn’t exist. a deliberately dug-out garden pond to fill with tears. a home shrine to the concept of grief, made up with intent and abandoned by chance. what does it mean to spend almost all your life grieving, not in a metaphorical or allegorical sense, a man who is still alive? what does it do to a person to be without solid ground or a safe place to confide anything in for upwards of two unbroken decades? nothing good, i bet! unrelatedly, here’s a tag for when you make yourself cry just to access the hormonal balancing that comes after the main event. for always being able to pack it all up and quietly leave, and never truly belonging where you are as a result of that. for being lonely.

🎻 ) I WASHED MY HANDS OF THAT FOR THIS? okay fine you win it’s an angel tag. there are no bright points of light in the sky and the blood on the floor never dries. jeanne d'arc is stained glass and fire. this is dante and odessyus and alexandria. this is the lion pits of rome. this is every dead myth in the classics registry being corrupted in their retelling by catholic motifs. the lamb, the lamb, always the lamb, the lamb slain and sacrificed and the wool stained with blood from it. the holy in the viscera, salvation as a type of surgery. your soul a necrotic limb with the still living veins being pulled from it. divine visions become indistinguishable from the reddit rabies post.

🕯️ ) WHICH IS MOST FAINT. juliet in the wings my beloved. polished pearls and silvers all alike. cosette, and miranda, and johanna barker. it’s the light reflecting off the water, and lace gathered up like seafoam, and aching in such sweet bright ways, and a thousand songbirds, and rich fabrics that purr to the touch, and silks in colours that rival any jewel, and glass bells all ringing. turkish delight. the very first flute. maypole ribbons. snowdrops. in many ways you will always be odile, and she will always be dreaming of a life she could have had if it were truly her white feathers in the moonlight.

☀️ ) LOVE ME, BECAUSE LOVE DOESN’T EXIST. a love that is too much. too intolerable, too unbearable, too much. a piece of hot glass in your chest that threads through your veins and is an agony to breathe around. a yet-untapped capacity the kind of loss that myths are made on. a thousand secrets. a thing that makes you more than you were without it. every song written just for this. every bird hatched just to fly across your sky. salt flats when the stars come back out. nobody could live like this. nobody could want this, or be comfortable within it. these feelings exist for the stage, and for books, and for anywhere else they can be quarantined away. comfort me with apples. tell me the fire would hurt if i touched it. let me ignore the ache.

🩸 ) SWORD DANCE. i don’t need a prince, i need a huntsman. and what then? what does that promise eats you alive? what do you do when your teeth are too sharp and your jaw too easy to snap and your eyes too sharp? what do you do when someone smells the blood in your mouth and does not look away? the vampire rips into you and you stay anyway. can that love exist here? can the animal instincts that led you out of your childhood like a guiding light truly be tamed, or at least kept? adored, but not enshrined or forgiven? what a thing you are, when alone in the dark of the moors.

💧 ) THIS IS THE KINGDOM. wouldn’t it be beautiful, though? wouldn’t it taste like the first clear breath of spring? wouldn’t the blood refuse to stick to your clothes? wouldn’t every step of the dance be a perfect bell ring of clarity? like a dream unblurred. “the unicorns gazed back, and knew themselves in her eyes. she understood why they demanded the pure in heart: because, being creatures that did not know choice, they could only recognize someone for whom need and desire had fused into absolute certainty.”

[lindajenni]

jan 8

if we're still here

"then their eyes were opened and they knew Him; and He vanished from their sight." luke 24:31 more and more i heard preachers i respect making that statement everyday.  they, and i, expect a little vanishing of our own to be happening soon.  those who are awake cannot help but know the season we are in and how near His coming is.  (i feel it with every breath i take.)  while it is considered a "blessed hope" to many, others should be trembling in fear.  instead, they are running aimlessly around, seeking only "fixes" for their pleasures and agreement with their sin.  "let them alone.  they are blind leaders of the blind.  and if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch." matt 15:14 it's funny in a way.  while they claim to be "woke," they are actually asleep at the wheel.  i used to have an uncle that constantly fell asleep while driving.  (driving can be tedious - much like our times of watching.)  for the life of me, i don't know why he never crashed and burned - the grace of God surely stretched to the limits. without doubt, these are hard times we are living through.  but the saints of God have endured such times as these before.  "but we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.  we are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed — always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body." 2 cor 4:7-10 but there are none here by mistake. we were all called to this time and purpose.  these times - these trials, they are all set for the glory of God.  just think, of all that were ever born, and many desired to see these times, we are the chosen ones to witness the closing of this age and then to join all for the glorious wedding feast. is your heart longing for Jesus to return?  are you looking for Him?  i am.  the coming of Jesus is really the only hope for this world. and when will that be?  i don’t know.  it may be in the morning when the clouds break open with sunlight and shadows of night recede from the sky.  it may be at noon when the world is hustling and bustling.  it may be at dusk when the birds are singing their evening song.  or at midnight, when the stars will dim by the blaze of glory when He descends from the heavenlies.  i only know that it will be - and that, right soon! what joy fills my heart!  does it fill yours as well to think of that moment?  are you ready? "when you see the ark of the covenant of the Lord your God, and the priests, the levites, bearing it, then you shall set out from your place and go after it.  yet there shall be a space between you and it, about two thousand cubits by measure.  do not come near it, that you may know the way by which you must go, for you have not passed this way before." jos 3:3-4 friends, our High Priest, Jesus, entered the waters two thousand years ago now.  we know now the way we must go and it is time for us to cross over; cross from mortal to immortal, from corruptible to incorruptible, from flesh to spirit.  and i'm feeling a twinkle in my eye.  no, we have not gone this way before, but oh what a trip it will be! look up into the skies today and think about His return.  can you hear the sound of a trumpet blowing and the voice of the angels announcing His appearing?  this same Jesus, who was taken up from you into heaven, "will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also." john 14:3  it's rapture time indeed! but, "if we're still here," i'll see you again tomorrow.

[fleurcense]

we are separated not only by the sea, but also by the storyline that has been set by fate long before adam and eve set their feet on the land of living.

i have long morosely accepted that this essence of human being will never be a dear friend to me (romantically speaking) yet I’ve wasted years and years searching for it to reach me without assuming that perhaps fate has never allowed me to have the privilege to be in one. (How bold i was to assume that i am entitled to own it when i am made to be criticised, shunned into alleys made for the homeless, for those whose existences are deplorable—not even the earth wants to supply them its oxygen)

However— it is the law of human nature, for us to fall in love. The yearning for warmth that only a certain individual can give it to you, one that can never be found in any other. I too, a victim of this law. A law that i have never given my consent to sign yet here i am, unwillingly bowing my head to the ground, having shackles locked at my ankles, dragging me everywhere the law goes—for i am bound for eternity, for as long as i breathe.

It is important to note that i have never found myself to be in a position where i am willing to sacrifice my life in order to protect my significant other like how Patroclus saved Achilles from his death. However, somehow (scarcely) there are days where the tendency of longing grows so immense that my heart feels like it is being twisted, cutting the veins connected to it. (And it is frustratingly driving me mad since my mind does not possess any information that can serve as a lead, to find out the identity of this invisible presence that my heart is longing for)

Is it someone out there, living in the same world as me. this corrupted, vile world in which everyone becomes slavery to their own contracts until death bestows its grace. Are they the same as me? Longing for someone who isn’t near nor far? The eyes cannot see and the mind doesn’t know yet the heart is in grave danger, in need of this ‘someone’ presence in order to stay alive, in order to keep its host safe and sound—

But who? Where do i find you? Do you long for me like how i long for you? Are we both the sufferers of loneliness catastrophe that is hitting our time? Will we ever see each other before doomsday arrive? Will fate be so kind to allow me to know you, at least for a second? So i can bury you in both mind and soul as the heaven recalls you back to me and not even fate can touch you nor me.

Where we will be out of reach from every slavery, every law, defying the odds as we fly across the universe, becoming one with the stars and our love will grow deeper— and the quantity is like the numbers of stars laying themselves on the galaxies.

Will fate be so kind to me in this lifetime or will it remain as cruel as it has always been and take the essence of life away from me slowly until my life is rotting as days go by?

—

From Me, The Moon.

xx sofea.