#Is it obvious enough that this one song really resonated with me yet

[ochrearia]

Right Back to the Same Old Habits

Uhhh I don't know if this is really? Anything? But it's writing so might as well post it. I don't have anything else finished for RGBFverse and I don't know how motivated I will be for anything else so. Food lol. And it's Beefer so. I haven't done anything with him in a good while and he deserves at least a little something

BFs in this one-shot: Beefer (cs!BF, mine), Yourself (YS)

He wasn’t expecting anyone. He’d actually preferred that everyone decided to be smart and not come around because they had so many better things to be doing. If no one was watching like usual then YS would’ve felt less angry about, well, everything. He had so much anger. It was usually just buried under misery and came off as an already extinguished fire. Not today, he supposed. Right back to the same old habits. Because what was he supposed to do now? Congratulations, you’ve successfully convinced everyone that you’re worth a damn and now you can’t even keep that facade up. So what was left, then? Just anger. Always anger.

Boyf had accidentally seen it. Angry, furious just in general that when he was presented with an excuse to let it out he did. He was actually angry about that damn lemon monster thinking it could get away with hurting his little brother. But the anger hadn’t really been proportionate to what had been going on. It had burned so deeply that he’d forgotten his rule entirely and went eldritch. Using his shapeshifting in fury to look so grotesque and terrifying to match how his anger had felt. Showing an ugly side he hadn’t cared if the monster saw or not. But Boyf had also seen, and there was guilt there in his chest for it regardless. Boyf had told him it was fine. Didn’t stop YS from being angry about going against what he’d promised.

So YS wasn’t expecting anyone. He would prefer to be alone when he was so angry. Which was why he was surprised when he wasn’t left alone after all, and by someone he expected the least.

“Come on. You’re moping and I can feel it, I’m surprised no one else is here to try and fix that for you.” Beefer’s head was peeking through the mirror, a sharp edge to his tone that YS picked up on immediately. “You’re angry.”

“My walls are up? I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You shouldn't have been able to notice that.” YS grumbled. “Not your job to show up and fix it. My mind, my problems. You have your shit to deal with. Focus on that.”

“Not your job to show up and fix our shit either.” Beefer countered.

“It actually is, now. Guardian angel. What’s your excuse?”

“Dunno, probably that your walls have literally never worked for me to begin with. Just another illusion isn’t it? A disguise to hide the true intention. The true you. I can tell when things are fake. I thought it was just being able to tell real humans from fake ones. I think it’s actually just being able to tell illusions from reality in general.”

Fuck.

“Not what you wanted to hear was it?” Beefer snipped knowingly. “Makes you more angry doesn’t it? Come on. Let’s go destroy something together. I’m pissed too, there’s a ton of places in my world where we can cause damage and get away with it.”

“Is it your own anger or is it mine, bleeding into your head?” YS asked, tone bitter. “My fault I guess. Of course I’d find the one version of me that is immune to magic used to hide things. Go home man. Go away. Get out of here, god, fucking leave, whatever comfort you could get from your GF or Pico will still be infinitely better than fucking wasting your time here.”

What are you doing? That’s no way to talk to one of your people. What the fuck is wrong with you?

“Nah.” Beefer shook his head. “You’re just angry. You don’t mean that really. I’ve felt what you really feel for a while now. I know what you’re doing and I may not be able to pull you out of it, but I’m not gonna let you just. Burn all the way down by yourself. Come on. Let’s go destroy some shit. I have something to show you, I was going to save it for a better time but that’s not important. Up. With me. Now.”

Damn fucking lizard. Always someone fucking showing up and acting like they wanted to help him. Pity at best. Obligation at worst. These days were getting more and more common, almost back to being daily and he knew that was bad but what even was the point anyway? There were enough other selves around now that YS could duck out like he’d wanted to and be forgotten. It would just be so damn easy. Maybe that was what he was angry about. He should’ve been long fucking gone by now.

“Times up, I’m not humoring your stubborn little game. You’re not the only one angry and for the record I would still never do anything to hurt you, but I’m not putting up with this. We’re going before you actually lose grip on your emotional walls and it becomes the problem of everyone instead of just me. That would make you even more angry.”

Beefer’s skills had gotten stronger somewhere along the line since the last time YS saw him. There was a sudden inhuman strength in the Dinaurian’s grip as he pulled the both of them through the mirror. Well, guess that made sense, he wasn’t human anymore anyway. YS swore his arm had changed before it, arm becoming more dinosaur-like. Guess that didn’t matter compared to the sudden blast of heat that he was met with.

“The fuck? Why are you at a literal volcano?” YS didn’t think that would ever be a sentence he said.

“Mt. Lavaflow. This isn’t even the only volcano that I could be at right now.” Beefer shrugged. “Thought you liked warmth? Too hot for you, big guy? I can potentially fix that a little in a moment but, better question, how strong are you really? I have no clue about the nature of supernaturals. Are you physically strong or magically strong?” YS ignored the Dinaurian for a moment, choosing to fully take in his surroundings instead. Certainly was a change compared to the routine of jumping through puddles. They’d crossed here through a large shard of obsidian glass, reflective enough for the magic to decide it would work. They were up high, and the angel could see rivers of lava that pooled in lakes. Nothing seemed like it was cooling down on its own.

Ironic.

“This mountain is self-sustaining. Most of the volcanos here are.” Beefer explained. “Apparently that’s not really a thing for everyone else? I’ve gotten ridiculous reactions every time I tell one of the others that volcanoes in my world just perpetually leak lava. Yeah. You can stop gawking now.”

“I wasn’t.” YS snipped. “Congrats. You’ve got me here. Now what? Great, I can sit and stew in physical fire instead of emotional fire. Actually, now I can do both. This is a great idea.”

“God you’re insufferable when you’re pissed off.” Beefer groaned. “Guess I wouldn’t be any better. I’m you. You didn’t answer my question. Think you’ve got the arm strength to start smashing some rocks? The lava here won’t cool down on its own. But it will cool if an outside force makes it.”

“What, you?” YS asked with a raised eyebrow. “I’m a shapeshifting angel, I have no water related magic. And without my wings I can’t do anything with wind either. So what do you have?”

Beefer gave a mix between a sneer and a grin. Maybe this was a bad idea when both of them were in such foul moods, but, oh well. Already here. Might as well keep digging this hole.

“Like I said. I wanted to show you this at a better time but if we’re going to be angry, you know, maybe there isn’t a better time for it. This is the last thing I’m going to be able to communicate to you so you’re going to have to save your awe-inspired questions for later!”

Before YS could ask what the fuck that possibly meant, Beefer was engulfed by a flash of light. And when it was gone, so was Beefer- well, the Beefer that YS was used to seeing. In his place was now a literal fucking dinosaur. Over twice YS’s height, towering over him with a tooth-filled mouth set in something like a snarling grin. Paper white skin, a giant cyan mane, teeth, claws, everything you’d expect to see of a theropod. Except it was so clearly alien, staring back at him with blood red eyes. Beefer, more dangerous than YS had ever cared to think.

“And for the record I would still never do anything to hurt you.” 

Right. YS could at least recall things said five minutes ago. He could see why Beefer had wanted to save this for a better time, because the concept of an angry dinosaur usually would end in someone getting torn to shreds. Those baby fangs and claws Beefer had in his humanoid form were more of a fucking warning than something to be scared of. His full dinosaur form, on the other hand…

“So, what, you’re going to start smashing rocks and leaving me smaller ones?” YS asked, hands in his pockets. “Look, fine, I can admit that you look cool. Fucking warn a guy about the flashbang effect next time.”

In the back of his head he remembered Beefer wasn’t always able to do this. So at some point along the line of not getting to hang out with each other, he’d learned. And he’d wanted to show the angel that despite everything going on with him, he’d found something to learn and be excited about. If he wasn’t letting his bad emotions get in the way of logic then maybe he’d say something about that like he should.

The Dinaurian grunted at him. Stomped off, looking behind him to make sure YS was following. They walked for a little while, down the side of the mountain to lower ground with a closer pool of lava.

“I don’t see how this is any better.”

The dinosaur glared at him, using his tail to push YS to back up. He did with a raised eyebrow, not seeing how this was going to do anything, but he assumed Beefer knew what he was doing.

Beefer let out a shrill mix between a growl and a hiss, jumping up and slamming the ground right next to the lava pool, causing some of the molten rock to be disturbed upwards. While that was happening, a sudden jet stream of compressed water came blasting out of his mouth, disrupting the lava further and cooling it down. Hot steam billowed into the air as chunks of solidifying rock started falling on the ground within reach, some not making it and falling back into the lava. But the saveable bits were enough.

“So you can… breathe water.” YS relented. “Actually, not really breathing it. You’re a walking pressurized water gun. Has anyone told you that you’re a lot more dangerous than you look in your normal form? Remind me to never make you pissed off at me directly…”

There wasn’t much else to be said. Beefer couldn’t talk in a way YS could understand in this form, so he was talking to a brick wall on a technicality. That was fine, though, both of them weren’t in their right minds at this point. YS had seen before how vicious Beefer could get when butting heads with Boyf in particular. And he knew he wasn’t any better right now. They all had the potential to be rather vicious if given the right circumstances.

Maybe smashing rocks wasn’t such a bad idea right now.

Beefer, of course, was better at it than him. Ancient strength born of a genome mixed with alien and reptile, the idiot was destroying the rocks he’d created like he was slicing through a stick of butter. There were smaller ones that YS could get to crumble in his grip if he tried hard enough. Man, letting his body atrophy for as long as he’d been, it was starting to show now. It wasn’t like he was able to crush rocks as fast as Beefer could before, but if he’d been taking better care of himself then it probably would’ve taken less effort than he needed now.

God, what was he even doing? Right back to the same old habits.

There were bits and shards left all around now. YS wasn’t sure how long they’d stood here just destroying for the sake of it, but time had passed at least. Pieces left thrown about everywhere. It was still boiling hot, but YS didn’t care, and it didn’t look like Beefer cared much either. Nothing but the sounds of lava bubbling around them, and their own heavy breathing.

Beefer eventually laid down. Using his tail to brush away as many shards as he could before curling up, red eyes watching YS carefully. The angel decided to follow his lead, lying down on the ground next to him.

Lying down next to literal pools of lava. What the hell was even going on anymore really?

“...We’re still angry.” Beefer said after a flash of light, and he was back to his humanoid self again. “Brought us here to let off some steam but there’s still so much left of it. We’re still angry.”

“...Yeah.” YS agreed after a moment. “You should be proud of at least trying. I would’ve just left myself to rot.”

“Too bad we almost had it, huh?”

YS frowned. Yeah, okay. He was angry, and in a bad mood, and he didn’t see himself getting out of it all that much anytime soon. But he was still himself. Still a guardian angel and Beefer was still one of his people. He could still see reason if it wasn’t something he had to apply to himself for the moment.

“You figured out how to switch into your battle form.” YS said instead, changing the subject. “You said you wanted to save showing me that for a better time. I’m sorry you couldn’t be as excited about it as you deserved to be. It’s very cool, by the way. Hey. I’m proud of you for figuring it out. Doing something that makes you excited despite your situation. That’s good.”

Beefer shrugged. “Cherry had to teach me. She taught Pico and I at the same time. It wasn’t… good the first time. That whole water gun thing, it’s not just water, it’s scalding water. Definitely would hurt if burns were something Dinaurians couldn’t just walk off immediately I guess. I didn’t want to practice that attack on Cherry because she’s tied to the fire element. Water element attacks hurt more for her.”

I thought Dinaurians were able to walk off attacks like nothing? Or is it different in the heat of battle? YS wondered, chest tightening painfully at the thought of Beefer not being as safe as he claimed to be. Being able to heal off anything was great but that didn’t mean the pain wouldn’t be there. He’d prefer Beefer didn’t get hurt to begin with.

“So Pico, fucking, volunteered instead. He’s tied to the air element. His attacks would hurt me more and my attacks would hurt him less. He wasn’t practicing on me, before you get even more mad. Just me on him, he said, because of the elemental matchups or whatever. It should’ve been fine. But I didn’t know what that attack was going to be like until I did it. Scalding hot water, that would burn anyone. I burned Pico, I think. I hurt him. He can heal it off, who cares, well, I do. I burned him. He was dying of burns caused by a Dinaurian. That’s why he is what he is now. And I fucking did it to him again.” Beefer spat.

Oh. Oh dear. YS grimaced. Yeah, explained like that, holy shit that was terrible. “Hey, you didn’t mean to though. Surely that has to account for something?”

“Jackshit in my opinion.” Beefer growled, folding his arms. “I’m so angry. And I’m even angrier that I had a thought for a second to be mad at him for volunteering in the first place. We keep doing this shit. I guess an outsider would call us even, he hurt me, I repaid it. I didn’t fucking want to.”

YS sighed, turning on his side so he could look at his brother better. “It’s easy to do things that you think are fine and then accidentally end up hurting someone else anyway. At least you feel bad about it. There’s too many people out there that wouldn’t care about that. You’re also lucky that both of you are now things that can heal off horrible wounds like that. It might not get rid of the emotional damage but it’s better than nothing. And you can still make up for it.”

“We still haven't talked yet.” Beefer admitted with a huff. “Could fix it, or try. But we haven’t had time. There’s gotta be people looking for us. Some of them aren’t even being subtle. Reports of unhidden Dinaurians going around asking about us. The human versions of us though. No one knows we’re… different. Cherry has to use the cloaking device almost all the time now. I hate that.”

YS looked at him for a moment. “You’re also angry that you have a place to escape to and they don’t. You have a place that you know you’re safe but they can’t benefit from that. You know that has nothing to do with you, right? Not at all your fault?”

“Still feel responsible for it.” Beefer sighed. “Like how you feel responsible for basically everything. How angry you get when things don’t go perfect right away, every time. Anger over any of us having to feel anything that isn’t a positive emotion. Anger that you can’t always save us from our situations. You can hide that from everyone else but not me. Sometimes knowing that makes it worse. Because why would I ever want you to feel like that?”

“I don’t… think I can really stop feeling like that for things.” YS treaded carefully, “But I know now it’s affecting you. So I can do better at keeping it at a level that isn’t so terrible, I think.”

“I would prefer that you try to learn that you don’t need to think like that at all.” Beefer countered. “But I know you can’t promise that. No one should promise such large change right then and there because old habits are hard to get out of. But you can at least promise to start trying. Because that’s something small you can do and it will be easy to see for me.”

“I…” YS hesitated. “Okay. You promise, then, too. You’ve got a lot of anger as well. You’re putting a lot of blame on yourself for things that were at worst just being careless. You didn’t intend for things to end up this way. You didn’t intend to burn your Pico. You didn’t intend for your friends to fall apart around you. So promise too. That you will try to learn it’s not your fault either.”

Beefer let out an empty laugh. “Yeah, alright man. Sure. We can play this game.”

“...Things probably aren’t going to start getting better today.” YS sighed in response.

“Too bad, we almost had it.” Beefer repeated knowingly.

“We almost had it.” YS agreed. “There’s always tomorrow. And the day after that. Always more time to be able to actually have it. Guess we just have to try to move forward for that, huh?”

The Dinaurian nodded. “Yeah.” He replied quietly.

“Just gotta try to move forward.”

[virnuileva-peto]

Hello! I wrote a Käärijä fanfic.

Content warning for self-doubt, swearing and sad thoughts that can ruin your memories of Kaivohuone gig. Don't like = don't read!

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One last time

Summary: Käärijä misses the way his gigs looked before he became famous and after a bunch of sad thoughts decides to perform Cha Cha Cha in the crowd at Kaivohuone.

First person POV, 713 words, choppy style. Very sad! Proceed only if you like sad writing!!! Mostly inner monologue but there is some plot there too, I swear!

-

Shivers.

This crowd goes crazy. Excitement, joy, satisfaction, all these kinds of feelings pouring out of them. And rightfully so - this was one of the best gigs this summer, if not the best one.

The crew did a fantastic job. The vibe landed just right. The audience, welcoming and magnifying everything they received, giving it back to further power up the performance.

Both sides of the barrier resonating until it all started vibrating, shaking, quaking, inevitably leading to a disaster.

Break it down and be free.

The fans are having the time of their lives. They got everything they wished for and more. Surely they will remember this night forever. Sweat, spit, tears, screams. Photos, livestreams, gifts, memories. The whole club is completely filled with cheering and ecstatic shouts. And yet, even in this tightly packed atmosphere of celebration and fulfillment, something is jarringly missing.

Weirdly enough, it used to feel so much more complete and satisfying before this craze started. Back when there was only the front row at the gigs. Back when it was still possible to jump into the crowd and go wild, constantly in direct contact with the audience, almost tangibly feeling the energy flowing into the people and returning back in a feast of show and applause, performance and appreciation.

This was the norm before. Then this whole circus started, filling every waking second with duties, forcing the awareness to lag a few months behind. Only now it becomes obvious that this is all long gone. Now there is only security and bodyguards and barricades and limits.

The feel of longing to bring this back invites a thought to come to the surface. An oddly familiar thought, whose shadow for weeks has accompanied my every attempt at guessing the exact distance between the fence and the stage, but never bold enough to make me actually think it.

This will only get worse. I can no longer deny it. And the thought soon spawns another one: this will never come back.

I did not expect that in order to live my dream and conquer the biggest stages I will have to sacrifice what now might turn out to be my very soul. So damn cruel and wrong that I cannot have both. It's either sold-out venues filled with crowd partying like they never had before, or the ability to experience it alongside them. Impossible to decide, and once I choose one of them, the other is gone. This is bullshit.

Stop. Wait.

Who said I cannot have both?

There is one song left for tonight. Last chance to try and combine the best sides of my current and past life. Right here, right now. Let's do it as it's supposed to be done.

Insane.

Is it selfish? Is it the alcohol? Is it safe? Isn't it my own show after all, damn it?!

I'm doing it. Into the crowd, further, hotter, right in the middle. This is where everything will be fixed. This is where I return to life.

Not even Jesse's frightened face can stop me now. Shit, I hope nothing happens to me. If I die here, he will kill me.

And everything he and the whole crew will tell me afterwards will be absolutely true. This is ridiculous, risky, stupid, outrageous, and I know, and I agree! They will never allow it to happen again, and I will never try to do it again.

Fuck, this really is my last chance. This will never return. Just this one gig and I will have to part with my soul. Only the outer shell will continue into the future, selling music as a product, making money, never feeling complete again.

And if this thing right now doesn't work out, I won't even have anything to remember. Forced to live in the spotlight, smiling and accepting compliments, praised as successfull and fulfilled despite never really reaching the dream.

Is it so?

No, stop, wait, come on!

Stop.

What am I doing? Mourning things that did not happen?

Not a chance. Fuck it, we ball.

The audience is ready to have their minds blown. This is already the best gig of their whole lives.

I can make this the best gig of my own life as well.

Let's go.

-

[theflyindutchwoman]

Lucy's healing journey is one that really resonated with me. I know so many felt her trauma has been forgotten by the show... And I get it. The thing is, I'm not sure if the writers forgot about it as much as they lost their way towards the end. Because they actually did a rather good job by having her trauma brought up in every season since Day of Death. They were showing us how she was progressing… And in a way, I feel that's what makes it even more jarring because it ended abruptly. They started a blueprint and left it unfinished.

It all started in 2.12 - this episode really gave us the key elements the writers used in Lucy's recovery. They mentioned straight away all the therapy work she has done since Day of Death : exposure therapy, cognitive therapy and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. I won't talk about the last two. But exposure therapy is really interesting : to put it simply, she willingly put herself in situations that could trigger her trauma, under the supervision of a therapist. In her case, I would assume being in tight/dark spaces would be on top of her list. Speaking from personal experience : cars, underground structures and elevators are some of the worst because you deal with them on a daily basis. And for Lucy who spends 12hours/day in a car and has an unpredictable job, claustrophobia had to be dealt with right away. Interestingly enough, we actually (almost) never saw her have a panic attack in an enclosed space. The show instead chose to focus on her issues regarding the human interaction/touch and trusting her instincts. Which, considering her job, are equally as important. Just less obvious.

In 2.14 + 2.17, we see a bit more of her progress. Lucy directly mentioned being buried alive as a way to remind people not to underestimate her. By that stage, she's no longer seeing herself as a victim, but as a survivor (thank you Tim). She is healing progressively and trying to find healthy ways to cope and if not, face the issue at hand, like Nyla advised her. We even get a conversation with Tim, giving us a glimpse of his guilt (and part of his trauma as well). And by 2.19, Lucy seems to be fine with dating and being touched. It closes one part of the arc opened in 2.12… However, it's worth noting that the show didn't stop referencing her trauma there.

In 3.01, we finally get a confrontation with Rosalind who manages to get the drop on Lucy by singing THE song. And yet, by the end, she seems confident, both of herself and of Tim's presence in her life. She knows that if she falls, Tim will catch her… And that is a huge thing. For both of them, because as much as Tim tries to deflect, her faith in him is absolutely important in regards to his guilt.

3.02 / 3.03 follow-up on this progress. We find out that her car was the only place she felt safe after her ordeal (which is really interesting considering she was forced in the trunk of a car - again no sign of claustrophobia)… It says a lot about where she is now that she feels confident enough to give away what was essentially her safe space to someone she just met. Even after Tamara sold the car, she is still able to let it go.

In 3.13, we have a major moment for Lucy. Nyla is essentially trying to trigger Lucy by abducted her just so they can see how she'll react. I say "they" because this moment is for both Nyla and Lucy. It drives the point home on how far Lucy has come in such a short time.

That's why I don't find it that shocking when Lucy dares Tim to do an escape room with her in 4.07. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely understand the reactions here. Considering what she went through, an escape room would not be my first choice either. But even if it's an enclosed space, it's still a controlled environment, of her choosing, with a person she fully trusts. And again, up until that point, we never saw her react negatively to tight/dark spaces. I mean, if she was able to deal with a fake abduction, being in a suit in a closed lab, seeing her murdered best friend stuffed in the truck of a car, adventuring inside the walls of her building or being in the back of a van (similar to the one Nyla abducted her in) without panicking, going to an escape room is really not that out of character. The writer may have completely forgotten about her trauma here but at least, it doesn't necessarily negate what we've seen either.

Now here comes 4.17... And all its triggers! Seriously, take your pick. We got : puppies' videos from Tamara ; the surprise of finding out her boyfriend watched the video of her being buried alive (and dying) without asking for her consent (or warning her in advance) ; THE song ; watching by herself the videos of her dying ; telling Tamara to go on a date with a stranger ; and going in an elevator without second thought… And in case that wasn't enough, Lucy was already panicking when she arrived at the DA's office. Now I can't believe that all these direct callbacks to Caleb and her traumas were pure coincidence. So I'm guessing they tried to make it an empowering moment for Lucy. And in a way, I can see it : by not testifying, she is beating Rosalind a second time. She is taking back her own narrative. It's her story, not something to replay for Rosalind's amusement and mind games. The problem is it fell… flat. I don't know exactly what went wrong. I'd venture too many triggering moments with no real impact or reaction. The puppies videos or Tamara's going on a date should have made Lucy hesitate at least for a second. Instead she barely reacted. Chris humming the song and the realisation that he watched the video should also have warranted a longer reaction. The look of horror and terror on Melissa's face was perfection but it barely had time to sink in before all was forgiven. She bounced back to her cheerful self all too quickly. I feel we needed some breathing room... To really see Lucy work through her decision to not testify to make it empowering.

And that would have made Rosalind's escape and Lucy's spiralling in 5.01 even more horrifying. Because just when she thought she was free, she was reeled back into Rosalind's mind games. Now this episode introduced some really good elements of claustrophobia. Like how Lucy found out about the escape while she was back in a tight space (airplane)… I will forever cherish Melissa for her acting choice in the bathroom, when Lucy's hands are shaking. But the fact that in this situation, she has to go in an even tighter space (bathroom) to get some small amount of comfort makes it even worse. Another moment is when they're in the car on their way to the casino… A car with tinted windows, at night, surrounded by people she doesn't know/trust… The first thing she does is rolling down the window so she can feel the light breeze and see lights… And then, she turns to make eye contact with Tim. At this point, she is barely holding it together (although she's doing a great job hiding it) and he is the only place of comfort she has. Tim watching over her during this whole episode is so sexy of him. He tries to give her as much control as he can while supporting her.

In 5.02 / 5.03, that's when her trauma starts to seriously be overlooked. Which at this point could still make sense : she's too focused on Chris and feeling too guilty to be introspective. And we see her reluctance in dealing with anything related to Rosalind's case (which was consistent with her previous decision). But Chris' trauma is too fresh for him to realise what he's doing and what he's truly asking of her (and I doubt he'd have the ability to read the room anyway). And she can't turn to Tim for help…

And that's when we arrive to 5.04… One thing that I liked was having Lucy not bothering with Rosalind and focusing instead on saving Bailey. It's on par with her decision in 4.17 : she's letting Rosalind be an afterthought, which was exactly what our sociopath didn't want. And by bringing back Bailey from the dead, she beats Rosalind a third (and final) time. We come full circle with Day of Death : this time, it's her turn to help someone by using her experience and she gets to save someone. It opens the door for a new healing arc…

And that's where it got completely brushed away. There was no acknowledgement whatsoever that Lucy's wounds were brutally reopened and that she was further victimised by Rosalind. We didn't see her process what she went through. We had a glimpse of something when Lucy said it didn't feel real but that's it. Tim and Grey felt almost too cold towards her. Even in 5.08 when Tim acknowledged Rosalind's actions, it's about Chris, not Lucy. That's why I'm not sure they forgot - it almost feels like the writers didn't even realise that Lucy went through her own trauma this time around. And what makes it even more disappointing and unsatisfying is that they did a lot of groundwork, it just needed a couple more scenes. I'm not holding up much hope for further acknowledgement but it could still be salvaged a bit. Have the true crime episode dedicated to Rosalind and have Lucy work through everything she experienced… Or have Lucy interact with a victim where she help them get through their trauma and at the same time acknowledge her own ordeal… Or have Lucy and Angela bond over what it feels like to be abducted, to live in fear of having your loved ones or yourself being killed by a psycho (since Angela's trauma has been completely ignored up until 5.12, having a real conversation about it could be nice)… Or have Lucy wake up from a nightmare and Tim hoping her process things... Anything.

Although I will end this whole thing by saying it still beats what we got from Bailey… Because I'll never get over the fact that they joked about her death. Literally. They basically said her dying this time around didn't matter because she already died previously so what's one more. Listen, I can have a dark sense of humour but show, there is such a thing as timing and that was not it.

Little added note - This isn't about screentime or anything. I am aware of the challenges of having a huge cast of characters. And while this whole post may not sound like it, I am actually happy that we got such a storyline to begin with because I'm used to shows ignoring traumas altogether. So this felt new and refreshing. Hence the frustration that they fumbled the last part.

[mk-wizard]

Final Fantasy IV: The installment every FF game SHOULD strive to be like

Hello, friends. Let me tell you about the most underrated installment in the series which near and dear to me because it was not only my introduction to Final Fantasy, it was my introduction to RPGs in general. It is the game the showcased the best of what Final Fantasy brought to gaming, or once did rather, and it is in my opinion the game every other one should have strived to be like... Final Fantasy IV aka Final Fantasy II in North America.

FF7 gets a lot glory, honourable mentions, spin offs and a lot of games since its creation strive to be just like it if not inspired by it, but I think that the franchise is completely wrong when it comes to which game it should focus on being more like. FF4 is the one all FF games should strive to be like because it really is a gem. The amount work, time, effort and love put into it not only shows, it’s stood the test of time. Even now, you can replay the most primitive version of it (the SNES) and it will still be impressive even compared most modern original games now. Yes, it has modern remakes and a few spinoffs though it still doesn’t get the recognition or appreciation it so rightfully deserves. And here is my case as to why...

Note that there are spoilers ahead!

Number one, it had the best music. Like I said, you can play the most primitive version of this game and it will still impress you. For a Super Nintendo game, the music sounds like it was played by an actual orchestra. The prelude alone sounds heavenly and Golbez’ theme sounds like something out of the underworld (more on him later). While the modern music on more modern consoles of FF are nice, none come close to the quality FF4 had. It was more than just about giving each character their own theme song. Every single piece suited the setting and mood it was made for.

Number two, it had the best protagonist: Cecil Harvey. Ever since Cloud appeared, the trend of FF was to have weird or broody kids play hero. Cecil was a real man who did not play hero. He IS a hero. He is a leader, brave, intelligent, responsible, selfless, kind, faithful and doesn’t need to be convinced to do the right thing. He just does it. In fact, that is exactly how Cecil’s entire journey began: with an act of honour. When he realized his king was evil after being tricked into burning the village of Mist to the ground, he had enough and began his rebellion then and there. Also, he inspired others to join him in doing right. I admit Cecil left a big pair of shoes to fill, but I wish more creators in FF would at least try to make their protagonists more like him.

Number three, it had the best antagonists. Yes, I meant for that to be plural because unlike all other FF games, Final Fantasy didn’t have just one main antagonist. It had two. The most obvious one was Golbez who just visually alone is serious, frightening and menacing. He isn’t a pretty boy at all. In fact, I even imagine his voice sounding like that of Darth Vader’s. As said before, his theme resonates with evil. He is also the perfect foil and adversary to Cecil because he’s also a leader, relentless, bold, daring, sadistic, cruel and competent. On top of that, he’s a tragic villain done right because it turns out that he was mind controlled this whole time since he was a teenager. Yet, even when he is freed, he still behaved like a badass and even took accountability for his misdeeds. Golbez knew the world would not forgive or pity him that easily nor should it, so he decided to face penance like a man and start a new life on the moon.

The other main antagonist who was memorable is Kain Highwind who also happens to be Cecil’s best friend and foster brother. What also sets him apart from all other FF main antagonists is that you only fight against him once and then, for most of the game, he fights alongside you only to betray you without a warning at the worst possible time. Another thing that sets him apart is that he’s not a tragic villain. He’s a corrupted hero. He is a good guy who made bad decisions and caved into his jealous towards Cecil making him susceptible to being mind controlled. In other word, Golbez played up that which was already there. And like him, Kain accepted that a simple “I’m sorry” was not enough to make up for the things he did and you respect that about him. I mean, he almost killed Rosa and he loved her (more on this later). There has not been a main antagonist like Kain since.

Number four, it had the best romance. A lot of the romances in FF these days are not healthy nor do they feel like they make any sense especially because the characters tend to be underage. The last believable romance I saw was between Zidane and Garnet, and even then, it cannot compare to the love between Cecil and Rosa. They not only have great chemistry together, they’re an item from the beginning and should I also mention that FF4 did a love triangle first? Moreover, it showed it accurately in how they are not fun or cute. They always end with someone getting hurt. You see, Kain was also in love with Rosa and tried to pursue her, but Rosa only loves Cecil. Moreover, though she needed saving a couple of times, she is also just as much there for Cecil. She is his greatest support, believer and is as every bit as stubborn when it comes to doing what is right as he is. Plus, she is the best healer in FF series in general as she is the only one who ever managed to learn Curaja (aka Cure 4) making her and Cecil a power couple. By the way, Cecil and Rosa got married, had a son together and are still going strong. How many FF romances went THAT far?

Number five, it had the best airships. The airships have always been a staple for FF, but you don’t get to use many all at the same time like you did in FF4. You got an airship that had a crane that helped you carry the hovercraft while flying, an airship that had a drill which helped you dig your way out of a mountain from the inside out, and airship that literally takes you to the moon and back. And the best part is, every time you got new one, you still had the others in your garage. I admit that FF5 also had multiple transportation vehicles that stayed in your inventory, but none of them impressed me the way FF4′s did.

Number six, it had the biggest and best set of worlds to explore. As well as having many airships to travel with, it had many worlds to explore. It had the usual overworld, but there was also a vast underworld to see. Moreover, the moon itself is a whole world to explore on its own not one dungeon that comes and go. Most FF games only have one world to explore or one at a time to explore, then there’s no going back. FF4 was not like that. Every world stayed intact and was there to continue being explored as the game went on.

Number seven, it had the best side quests. Like I said, the multiple worlds offered so much to explore and what you would find did not disappoint you. It had side quests that not only added to the experience, but also to the story as though you’re meant to take time to see what lies beyond. And everything you find is genuinely useful from Summons to Weapons. You’re left with the genuine impression that if you don’t complete these quests, you’re missing out. I admit FF5 and FF6 also had great side quests, but they did not surprise me the way FF4 did. I mean, how often do you get a side quest that lets you find out for yourself that not only is your friend still alive, you have a hand in saving him?

Number eight, it had the best story. The most important part of any RPG is its plot and FF4 did not fail to deliver. It’s story plays out like a TV series that you could binge watch over and over again. In fact, if one FF game SHOULD be adapted and faithfully to a TV series it should be this one. The story and character development is just so well done and really draws you in. Did you know that FF4 was the first video game that actually made me cry? When Tellah died, I am not ashamed to say that I cried and not just because I was a kid who felt bad for a character. When Tellah died, you really mourned for him because you got to care about him and what he went through. And I am grateful to this series for making me feel that way because it taught how to write tragedy right.

Number nine, it has been remade again and again, yet still always winds up still being good. I admit it translates best to being 2D and cartoony, but even the CGI 3D version on the DS was was still great and the voice actors selected were pretty much how we imagined them to sound in our minds. More importantly, the remakes always stay faithful to the source material which tells me that deep down, the creators know how perfect FF4 is.

In short, FF7 may be the franchise’s cash cow, but FF4 is its masterpiece. And I can say openly without shame that upon learning that it is getting yet another remake, I am considering purchasing it just to play it because I MISS playing it over and over again. This game not only shaped my childhood. It helped me in my writing.

Anyway, this is all just my opinion on FF4. I would like to know yours and if you disagree, which game was the best in your opinion and why? Thanks for reading and as always, stay safe.

PS: If you haven’t played FF4, play it especially if you are an FF fan. You won’t be disappointed.

[crochetwisdoms]

Apology tour

First of all, I wanna share my expectations of and desires for the new episode. I sincerely believed that this would be about Stolas and Blitz get together. Do u get it? Okey, look me in the eye and say u didn't hope for the same.

And what happened in reality? They did not.

During the whole episode Blitz keeps adding insult to injury. Stolas has been begging him to leave, to disappear because it isunberable for him to see Blitz. It's fucking obvious that he is fed up with fakeness. Though Blitz tries to apologies, he on the contrary lashes out on the prince and makes everything worse. BUT again what's the point in trying to meet with Stolas if Blitz doesn't care? He.. he cares

As u see the title of the episode is a total mocking. Blitz can't apologize and he admits it.

Till the end Blitz tries to text an apology, to ask for forgiveness but every time he delays it, yeah, he feels that the trivial message is not enough. I'm really proud of Blitz that he decides to apologize in personal with Stolas. Come on he can be murdered in this party (though it's not the case) and still goes for the prince.

Now lets look at Stolas he wades through a crowded room and feels extremly uncomfortable and out of the place. He stays in the corner and says,“The one day a year the spirits can rise amongst the living and it's spent celebrating mutual pettiness” Of all things, he is philosophizing. Stolas's song is resonating. One the one hand he wants his deer imp, (yep Blitz is a deer) on the other he feels that it's impossible and it's all in the past.

Stolas gets drunk. It's extremly disarming when Stolas even in his awful conditions tries to keep Blitz safe and sound and talks some sense into him. It's spectacular that Blitz manages to say sorry and I love that he supports the drunken prince and holds him in his arms. Before accepting the invitation to dance Stolas looks at Blitz, I assume he asks him for allowence? When Stolas kisses the imp, Blitz explodes. I'm grateful that he listents to Verosikas's words of wisdom and doesn't make a scene. I'm relieved that Stolas is still capable to feel fun though I am not sure that it's genuine because he is drunk and as u remember he ran out off magic pills so he feels not ok in the beginning of the party.

To sum it up, Blitz is finally ready to grow up. On the subject of their relationship I'm sure it's not over yet even if it seems so.

[goddamnosamu]

Two Ghosts Falling

Part 2 of [12:49am]: Writing songs is not easy

Pairing: idol!Asahi x reader 

Word count: 1373

Warning: alcohol mention but nothing too serious

A/N: This was so long overdue, and I’m really sorry for that. It’s just been pretty hectic with stuff that’s going on in my life but I decided to at least make a part 2 of the story that I first wrote and posted in this account. I’m thankful for all the hearts and reblogs, it truly makes me happy that people continue to like my work even if I’m gone for a long time. I’ll try to post once things start to look up for me, but for now please enjoy this. I apologize for the pain LMAO I love angst <3 leave a comment, reblog, or heart if you enjoyed it.

“In short, I screwed up,” 

Of course, the shock that his members had on their faces was enough to tell that they were disappointed in him, albeit won’t really say it to his face. It was painfully obvious; who was even to blame for a relationship that felt one-sided despite the two loving each other? Asahi doesn’t even know what time it was when he finished telling his break-up story to the members. Without hearing a word from them, he left the room trying to calm himself down because he never really learned how to cope with the pain that he caused to both of you. Writing his thoughts didn’t help anymore, bottling up his feelings will only leave him crying for hours, and painting will only end up with art that resonates with his agony from both the stress of being an idol and losing you. Thinking back, he never really knew how to cope because he was always met with your comfort when he was stressed. 

It’s been months and he still can’t bring himself to go out. The only time he does go out is when he has a schedule for the day or one of the members promised free coffee. Anything other than that, he only checks the lives of other people on social media. Surprisingly, you didn’t block him in your account and you retained your account for the public to see. He could see you succeed in the stories you told him about, and even the little celebration posts. Asahi continues to see you striving in your own life without him, yet he is still miserable the day you left him. He wanted to patch things up with you; try to tell you that he needs you and he regrets his actions. But when that time does come, he’s afraid he’ll run out of things he can say to bring you back. 

At an early night, Asahi reluctantly agrees to spend a night in a bar with the other members. The members were pestering him about it and he only went just to get them off his back. He has been stressed enough already, but he really didn’t think that alcohol will solve his problems. Arriving at the local bar, Asahi was immediately welcomed by the strong scent of alcohol and the blaring music coming from the speakers around the bar. He was immediately dragged by Jihoon to the bartender and ordered a drink for the both of them. As soon as they got their drinks, where Asahi doesn’t even know what Jihoon got for him, he was left alone to ponder his thoughts and alcohol ready for his escape. 

Asahi doesn’t know how long they’ve been in here, but all he knows is he’s at his 4th cocktail. He was tipsy, but he manages to get a hold of himself for the time being in case the other members needed help going home. He admits to himself that the alcohol has helped a bit in forgetting; his mind is more focused on the music and seeing some of the members laugh their asses off on the dance floor. 

“Hamada Asahi. Here I thought you completely locked yourself up in the studio.”

It can’t be. 

“(y/n)?” Asahi said shakily, his eyes immediately filled with remorse. He knew it was inevitable that you’d meet each other, but he doesn’t expect it to be this early – denying the fact that he was just afraid to see you while he was still at his lowest. 

“How have you been?” you answered, completely unfazed by his heavy demeanor while you sat beside him. 

“Still locked in the studio, the others just dragged me here.” Asahi recovered from his shock, grabbing confidence from the alcohol he has. 

“How about you?’

“Oh, you know – same old, same old. Finally getting on track with my life and what I wanted to do,”

Asahi knew what you were talking about – of course, he does. The achievements on your social media, the updates about your life he hears when the others talk about you; you were practically there in every corner he looks. He looks at you as you waved to a person he’s unfamiliar with, probably a colleague you met from your now successful life. He’d wish for you to elaborate more, even if the stories were already told by you or others. It was too selfish for him to think of wanting to get back with you but needs to hear it from you, even if it meant that he was going to hurt again in the next couple of months.

“You know, I never wanted things to end,” he whispered, although you completely heard him. “All I ever wanted was to be by your side. I never knew how to write songs anymore because I lost all my inspiration for it. I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with the fact that you probably won’t talk about me to anyone or someone you wouldn’t want around or –”

“You are so fucking selfish.”

He looked at you in shock. Tears well up in your eyes as you bite your lip to prevent yourself from breaking down right then and there.

“You don’t get to decide what should I be in the relationship. You don’t even have the right to say that I’m the reason you’re miserable. How about me, Asahi? Did you ever stop and consider how I was feeling? The whole time in that relationship, I never even felt the love you bragged to others or the songs you wrote about me.” you stared at him while he can’t even bring himself to look at you. He knew you were right. This was what he wanted, right? For you to say what you’ve always wanted to say after the breakup. He looked at you as you continued. 

“And the worst part of all of that was that I still loved you.”

“I’m sorry.” pathetic, he thinks about himself.

“It’s already too late for that,” you murmured as you stared at your half-empty glass. 

“Look, I know I broke a lot of what I promised you when I dated you–”

“You didn’t just break promises, Asahi. You broke me, and honestly, I don’t know why I even continue to sit beside you right now and explain yourself.” you spat at him while paying for your drink. You were about to walk away when I suddenly grabbed your hand.

“Please don’t leave. I don’t know what I am now without you,” his tears were falling at this point. You both were probably getting stares but Asahi didn’t care. All he wanted was you, even if it meant that you both will try to remember how it feels to be one again.

“Let go, Asahi.”

“No, I don’t want to. Please just hear me out, I’ll–”

“And why the fuck should I listen to you? I said let go.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you” his voice quivered, full of hurt and despair. He didn’t know what else to say other than apologies and desperation. 

“But you fucking did, didn’t you? You fucking did,” you scowled at him as your tears were now running down your cheeks.

You removed his hand from your arm and immediately left. He continues to kneel on the floor, trying to process everything that happened while his hands were on his head. His head was pounding and his body felt like giving up, but his chest was the most painful of all. It was like his heart was breaking again after it was pieced together forcefully. He gets the feeling that you’ll never need him again – he knew you didn’t but what other choice did he have to at least get through the day? He continued to hope before today, but tonight and the days to come will definitely feel like falling into a hole of despair where he won’t know how to save himself anymore. When he looks up, he never saw you again. All he heard was one of the members trying to get him to come back to his senses but his mind was too focused on remembering how his heart was supposed to beat without you, forever.

[white-tulips]

well, since it’s 5 in the morning I think now’s the perfect time to ramble about my thoughts re: OMORI vs Yume Nikki game design, Black Space, and how trying to copy something successful kind of sets you up for missing the mark 

these are thoughts I’ve been stewing in since january, I don’t want people to forget that I have a lot of opinions about OMORI as a game

(firstly, I’m sorry if this is all over the place or not worded well. it is 5AM)

I’ll preface this by saying that these are merely my opinions. I’m specifically going to be focusing on one aspect of game design here, so if you’re curious about any of my other OMORI game design opinions they’re scattered around my blog and are not hard to find tbh

okay so my thoughts about this are mostly Black Space exclusive, and considering that’s one of the climaxes of the game this might be a bit of a spicy subject to talk about KJFGHKFJG but I am passionate about good game design okay. especially in psychological horror RPG games. (also throwing out there jic that I don’t think OMORI is a bad psychological horror. pls reference this post) 

(also want to say that I genuinely like Black Space. okay? okay)

so this was something that I was talking about with a couple of friends back when I first finished OMORI around the beginning of january. actually, at this point I hadn’t even played Yume Nikki yet, but when I did finally play it recently my thoughts on this were 100% solidified

essentially, our thoughts on this can be boiled down to how Black Space was trying too hard to be Yume Nikki, but didn’t grasp exactly what made Yume Nikki so impactful in the first place

obviously taking inspiration from something you like and wanting to rework it into your own creation is normal, good, and even encouraged! however, the most crucial thing with that is the “reworking” part.  when being inspired by something, the goal is to take what you loved, and didn’t love, and mold it into something entirely new. it shouldn’t be “well I like this thing, and this thing did it like this so I’ll try to do it like that too” because it’s just not going to work. (this is actually an all around issue I have with OMORI, not just Black Space, but more on that later)

so to me, a good 50% of Black Space came of feeling kind of... eh...? it was like... you have 50% that feels so well thought out and meaningful, and then 50% that’s there just to. be there. and be like Yume Nikki, I guess. even before I played Yume Nikki, I couldn’t even remember some of the rooms in Black Space existed until I replayed it again, which is a shame because Black Space is the type of area where everything should leave an impact

now I want to talk about the game design itself-

Yume Nikki is a game about experiences, and atmosphere. there’s limitless area to explore, so much so that it feels endless. there are so few things to interact with that sometimes it feels like you’re doing nothing at all. all you have is aimlessly wandering these huge areas, taking in the sights, and listening to vague sounds and music in the background that are often just a few seconds of audio played on loop. (this is one of my favorite OST in the game. having this be all you hear for 30 minutes as you walk around in a looping forest really does things to your head)

it uses all of these elements to make you feel lost, confused, and very alone. you’re just trapped in a dream, where even with all the space in the world to explore, the lack of anything to do makes it feel suffocating. even the small area you have in the waking world is designed in such a way that feels cramped and destitute-

Yume Nikki is a perfect example of “less is more” and “show, don’t tell.” 

then take OMORI, which doesn’t really know how to balance those things with it’s tendency to try and shove too much in. for instance, think about the over abundance if NPCs with irrelevant fluff dialogue. it was all too much and so dull it got to a point I stopped reading most of them altogether

(and something important to note I think, is that the general feeling of Yume Nikki is the same throughout the entire game. the tone never really changes, and neither do the expectations. OMORI, however, tends to just drop things on you out of nowhere. and that’s not necessarily a bad thing! it works for a lot of different sections of the game, I’ll say. 

however, Black Space was different. it’s kind of like, it just drops you in there and expects you to understand the way it works, despite the fact that all of the other horror segments lead you to have a completely different set of expectations for what you should be doing/feeling. it’s like shifting you into another game entirely, and it’s almost immersion breaking. up until this point, OMORI was not the same type of “show don’t tell” type of game, so suddenly jumping to attempt to do that can make it lose some of it’s impact)

like I mentioned before, Black Space is designed in a way that’s meant to mimic Yume Nikki. and I think we need to ask ourselves “just because we can do this, does it mean that we should?” again, taking inspiration isn’t a bad thing, but it’s the execution that matters

and here’s where my biggest issue actually lies, I suppose. it’s the fact that OMORI has multiple instances of trying to take inspiration from other things, and failing because it’s trying too hard to copy, not rework. it’s just most obvious because of Black Space, I think. because, like I said before, a good half of Black Space is just trying to be Yume Nikki without giving it any OMORI original flavor, and the fact that it’s trying to be something else is immersive breaking as hell to me

for example, take the red mazes. I don’t think the idea to incorporate it into OMORI was bad, but. you can plainly see when you compare the two maps that nothing was really reworked, made more interesting, or even given a OMORI flavored twist-

(Yume Nikki-1 ; OMORI-2)

another instance is less about the game design itself, but surprising/not-surprisingly, it actually has to do with OST

this is something my friend was telling me, because I myself have not read Umineko, but there are OST in OMORI blatantly trying to mimic songs from that VN, even down to their names

the biggest offender imo is GOLDENVENGEANCE which is a decent song, I won’t say it isn’t, but compare it to it’s Umineko inspiration, Golden Slaughterer 

it’s just another unfortunate instance of “this thing I like is good, so I’ll try to copy it!” with no clear grasp on why it’s successful and it’s disappointing. that’s really the only word I have for it at this point, disappointing

and the reason it’s most disappointing is because of things in OMORI that are obvious inspiration, but were reworked so well

let’s take this other Umineko OST, Worldend Dominator. this is a brilliant song, and it’s really fun to listen to. and, it very clearly inspired beloved World's End Valentine

World’s End Valentine slaps. it’s great. it takes aspects of Worldend Dominator and shifts them around to be a unique and fun piece of music that also fits into OMORI perfectly. 

something important to note about this, is that World’s End Valentine and GOLDENVENGEANCE were written by two different composers. what this makes clear to me is that there were people on the OMORI dev team that were better at reworking ideas than others. because, despite a lot of the criticisms I was talking about, there are things in OMORI that are obvious references that I love and think are great!

like this one, the most pointed out nod to Yume Nikki-

I think it’s great. it’s taking a very memorable bit of imagery from Yume Nikki, and giving it a reference while also giving it it’s own deeper meaning beyond just the aesthetics of it. it’s just good, I love it

and yeah, not all of Black Space feels like one giant copy of Yume Nikki. there are plenty of doors that I think take the same aimless, empty, and unsettling feelings and use them in a new way that feels more grounded in OMORI. my personal favorite door is the “Sunny... I love you.” room. 

actually, funnily enough, the area in OMORI that felt the most like Yume Nikki to me wasn’t in Black Space at all. it was actually the snowy area right before Snowglobe Mountain. something about the vast empty space, simple yet atmospheric OST, and little things to find scattered around just gave me a nice Yume Nikki vibe, but mixed with the OMORI style (hell, the OST there and the one for the snowy area in Yume Nikki even have a pleasantly similar vibe, and not in the “oh this is a copy” way [X] [X])

gosh, I feel like if I keep talking I might end up going in circles more than I already have

hopefully my words made sense!! I’d love if anything I said resonated with anyone aha. I just hope that I’m not coming across as hating on something because I’m biased towards something else or something... almost all of the critiques I have about OMORI come from a place of genuine interest

thank you if you read all of this!

[aeondeug]

So while I was reading GtN and HtN I occasionally stopped to be like “Wow, it’s great how these can be just so gay!” And like. That is really great. Super great. I love that about them. But I also remember at least once stopping and going “Wow, it’s great that there’s no homophobia here!” And like at the time I just kind of nodded along to myself. Around when I just finished GtN, I remember being very fond of the bit after the book with like the guy explaining like. The deal with necro/cav relationships in The Media and throughout history and how actually none of these things have ever been romance. This is just a pure relationship, unaffected by naughty things like ROMANCE. WHY DOES EVERYTHING NEED TO BE ROMANCE?! shouts the author of this paper. And I laughed at this. Because it reminded me a lot of people who do this shit with queer love. They do it with history and just go “Why does Sappho have to be gay, why can’t she just have passionate feelings for her BFFs”. Which is mindbogglingly stupid to me and anyone who has so much as LOOKED at some of the poem fragments. But like people do say that shit. And they do this a lot over like queer anything in fiction unless it like punches you in the face with rainbows immediately. “Why do Bubblegum and Marceline have to be gay? They’re just friends!” is a take that I legitimately saw on the day of the finale. And not just once. I saw it a few times. And I’ve seen that happen over so many ships in so many things, whether or not the ships end up canon. “Why does it have to be gay?” and the specific sort of outrage over it I’ve seen in essay length posts is just common, and that sort of outrage reads very similar to the argument that dude made about necro/cav relationships. It reads like that and close enough so that I made a joke about it even. I didn’t think too, too much on this at first though because I mean. We have Abigail and Magnus. They’re right there. A man and a woman, a husband and a wife. So like I was able to simultaneously go “omg it’s just like those why can’t they just be friends WHY DOES IT NEED TO BE GAY people” and also “wow it’s nice that there are spooky negative queer experiences of SADNESS here”. Which has got me thinking. Ok. So we have that essay. Now what else do we have in the books? I suppose could point at the entirety of Gideon and Harrow’s just furious refusal to admit that they might actually be in love with one another. Even though it appears to be obvious to literally everyone else in the galaxy. And is obvious to the readers. Hell, Gideon even has a moment of feeling like she needs to tell Harrow something the day before she dies. Something which is heavily romance coded, I don’t know the word for it. But like a “Wow I feel a need to tell them something and it’ll be my last shot” before a death just kind of always reads “It was an ‘I love you’. They needed to say it and didn’t get a chance”. So we’ve got that and, specifically, we’ve got their outrage at the suggestions. Gideon stresses that she’s JUST Harrow’s cav. And she’s very fucking insistent on that. Part of the why is that she knows Harrow is in love with a fucking dead girl in a casket but like. It just hits a certain way. There’s also Harrow’s just repeated disgust she expresses towards the concept of necro/cav relationships. She needs to explain away to herself that like, well, Abigail and Magnus were ALREADY married before he was named her cavalier primary so maybe that makes it fine. And even then she’s not like super duper comfy with the idea. A taboo has been broken, Harrow feels, and she needs to get really rules lawery to find any comfort with that. Other small things that feel of note to me here are the nature of the ways we know that these two are gay outside of like. Their weird thing for one another. With Gideon we’re introduced to it basically immediately with her joke about titty mags. Harrow specifically makes a comment at some point that some of the magazines Gideon gets are very gross, yes. Her interest in women is explicitly made sexual from the get go, and the idea that The Gays are just weird sex fiends and there is no love there is a frequent one. With Harrow meanwhile we know because she says she’s in love with the girl in the Locked Tomb. Who is very much dead. A thing that is fucky enough that like there is an entire song and dance about “GIDEON THE FIRST IS MAKING OUT WITH A CORPSE??????” and how Harrow is a hypocrite for being so offended by that all. Also the girl is behind the door. She is something that isn’t supposed to be seen or known about or, heaven forbid, woken up. That is all the ultimate taboo and Harrow not only fucking broke that but she looked at the girl and went “Wow I’m in love” on the spot. So we have this collection of things that could be read as some sort of metaphor for like...The taboo nature of queer love. “Why can’t they just be friends?” and issues of purity and the lack thereof. And we have characters who are very clearly in love but who can’t just admit that because they think there’s something fucking wrong with that. Gideon’s JUST her cav and Harrow is also in love with a dead chick. We also have Magnus and Abigail around who are just like. Happily married and fine with things regarding their whole necro/cav aesthetic. Ianthe doesn’t seem to give a shit that Gideon’s into Harrow at all. There’s a fondness for necro/cav relationships enough that there’s an entire romance genre centered on them and like characters in the cast are fond of those, some of them. Things appear to be Fine, at least as far as their friends are concerned. Maybe the asshole writing the essay that kicked this pondering off would have an issue and a stuffy old grandma would pitch a fit. But like their friends don’t have a problem with necro/cav shit. But we still very much have Gideon and Harrow being “Well no. We’re just a necromancer and their cavalier. GOD.” Now part of what got me thinking about this is that I recently decided to start watching Bly Manor. Because fuck it we haven’t yet. And specifically part of why is I remember seeing an analysis of it done by Rowan Ellis which had this bit where like the argument that “Bly Manor proves you can do queer stories without homophobia being a part of it!” is brought up and like...Ellis is like “Ok but we very much do just lock a queer woman in a literal closet while she screams to be let out”. And lo and behold in the first episode we very much do just lock a queer woman in a literal closet while she screams to be let out. In an episode showing that she’s like just unable to go back home for...some reason. And that she has some sort of difficulty with her relationship with her mother. No, the show is not having the character literally go “Wow I sure am in the closet and I kind of fucking hate that woe is me I am so gay”. But figuratively? It’s all over the place in that first episode. I’m not sure about the others because I haven’t watched them, but it is there in the very first one. And that’s something horror does very well. It takes things that are scary and uncomfortable and bundles them up in shades of metaphor. It hides them from  you by showing you the thing cleverly disguised. Maybe you do not notice it the first time through perhaps. Maybe you felt that a certain thing like the closet scene resonated very hard with you and you’re not sure why. But you perhaps don’t consciously go “Aha! It is the horror of being closeted!” Upon looking back on it or back through it though you might notice it. And be like “Oh that was there. Holy fuck.” Now maybe you’re also someone who isn’t like. Comfortable. With straightforward depictions of specifically queer suffering. Maybe it’s just too scary. But with this show hiding it in a metaphor you got to sit through that. You got to be brave enough to sit through a very, very scary thing. And afterwords you go to think about it. This is the power of metaphor and it’s something horror has been very, very good at doing for ages. Maybe racism or homophobia or whatever else is too nerve wracking for you to look at face on in media, but maybe you can watch a movie or a show where the horror of those things are very much there but cloaked in metaphor. And so maybe we are getting that with Gideon and Harrow’s weird issues around how “taboo” their feelings are. Two people who are just unwilling to believe that it might be that thing, in part because that thing is “taboo”. Except instead of the taboo being literally “They’re lesbians, Harold,” it’s instead cloaked in a comforting metaphor of necro/cav relationships and some dude who is really fucking offended at people’s space ao3 fanfictions about his historical favs. Which is important because every fucking scrap of anything one gets is an argument. It can’t just be that they’re in love. It’s that you must PROVE it and some asshole with a degree or just a bone to pick is going to come by and be like “WHY CAN’T THEY JUST BE A NECRO AND A CAV” about it all. And like I’m someone who’s known they’re into other women for a long while now. At least half my life. We have conquered that hurdle. But we haven’t entirely unpacked all the weird little societal bullshit that is still in there. Hiding. Lurking. And that societal bullshit specifically frames that sort of love as something gross and taboo and “Why Can’t They Just Be Friends?”. With that last thing hurting a lot. I’ve constantly run across people going “Why can’t they just be friends?” or going “They just have a sisterly relationship!” about things I shipped. Even when those things involved shit like the characters kissing on screen or mentioning that they’ve been dating in a sequel series. I can’t simply like my ships. I can’t simply see myself in romance. Because my sort of love is so taboo that it is, in itself, a debate. Maybe being shown the thing cleverly disguised as another thing might help me unpack that. At the very least it helps me look at it. When it’s something that hurts a lot to this day.

[ipatrichor]

c!wilbur? for teh ask game. if he's already been done than c!tubbo?

c!wilbur it is ^^

favorite thing about them

the mental illness /j no but actually my favorite thing is how much he cares. like... he has this incredibly warped perception of himself, but he cares soso much about everyone else that he tears himself apart for them and convinces himself it’s what they want/what he deserves :’ he’s given up everything for his friends time and again, and even when he self-destructed a large part of it was because he thought it was what was best for them i’m going to scream

least favorite thing about them

ok this is gonna sound weird but i don’t have very many disliked things abt him so,, i guess the nsfw jokes? idk, i’m ace and closer to sex-repulsed on the spectrum so rlly it’s just a personal thing that makes me a little uncomfortable sometimes jkgbfh :’ like just saying ‘kinky’ or w/e i literally don’t care abt, i’ve made those jokes, but when it gets to like borderline roleplaying something sexual i get uncomfortable :’’

favorite line

i’m not gonna be able to explain this one very well but the one that hasn’t left my head is something along the lines of “i know what i’m like. that’s the problem” because. fuck, dude. yeah. if i said i don’t feel that on a personal level, i’d be a fuckin liar :’’

brOTP

crimeboys. there are a lot of duos w wilbur i greatly enjoy (tubbo, niki, techno, fundy, phil, etc), but nothing will ever hold a candle in my heart to crimeboys

OTP

none really. idk why, like if it’s because of how much i relate to/project on him or something, but i just don’t see him in a romantic relationship :’ like i’ll write him post-sally, sure, but not really in a relationship

nOTP

any of the minors, full stop. i’ve Seen Things when i don’t filter ao3 tags carefully enough, and i hope to never see anything of the sort again. other than the obvious, i guess... any? like sally is canon and i don’t rlly mind that bc it’s a past relationship, but again i don’t really like shipping c!wilbur and idk why :’ it’s just not my thing lmao

random headcanon

i think he stims a lot. like, he probably masked a fair amount the first time he was alive, but even so he never really sat Still until sometime during potopia. he’d always be like. flicking his wrists, or holding his arms a certain way, or messing with his hair. during pogtopia i think it was a combination of masking bc he was desperate to be ‘taken seriously’ and him not having the energy to stim very much anymore (it’s canon he didn’t eat much and malnutrition is a bitch). so, i think it varied wildly between bursts of stimming and complete stillness, much like his mental state varied between high and low energy. and then after revival, i think he stops caring about masking so much and just goes fuckin wild (as he should)

unpopular opinion

idk how unpopular it is,, but i really hate the zombie wilbur stuff people have been doing since his revival. like, it rarely comes with a body horror tag, and even on stuff done by sympathizers there are still these massive stitches and patches of rotting flesh and it’s just so uncomfortable both to look at and because it’s only ever wilbur. like, tommy was revived too, but people don’t draw him as a Stinky Gross Rotting Zombie Man- no, it’s just wilbur. like, the implications are just. not good once you actually think about them, and it seems to have become part of the most popular/widely accepted fanon design which means i can’t avoid it bc people don’t even tag it or anything. idk it just feels like yet another unintentional dig at mental illness, and i’m just genuinely so tired

song i associate with them

there are. so many. i’m just gonna go thru my c!wilbur playlist and pull out a couple that rlly resonate ok :’’ a terrible ride from lizard boy, villains pt 1 by emma blackery, the village by wrabel, dancing after death by matt maeson, it’s called: freefall by rainbow kitten surprise, burned out by dodie, and liar by the arcadian wild ^^

favorite picture of them

i was abt to say i don’t have one but ykw i actually do- it’s this art piece my friend wil @gremling4mer drew for a fanfic i wrote. i still have it as my lockscreen, and the sheer cozy vibes + it being a gift from a friend have it ranked firmly as my favorite picture of c!wilbur ever :}

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Smoke & Mirrors - part 3

Neil x Reader

Chapter 3: You know me too well

(see chapter 2, 1)

summary: The mission. And some blowing off steam after that.

warnings: alcohol mention, some violence, language and other explicit things, 18+ and I MEAN IT EVEN MORE THAN BEFORE

author’s note: I need to thank @vaneilla​ for planting the karaoke scene into my head. I found her choice of song absolutely glorious, and it evolved into... oh, see for yourselves.

As for everything else - I don’t even know.

4k words, bloody hell.

Anyway, enjoy and let me know what you think, please?

___

“Thanks for nothing, Wheeler.”

She looked up from her tablet only to see a completely resigned Ives faceplanting on the couch in front of her. As she raised a brow, her glance drifted to The Protagonist pacing back and forth next to the window. 

When TP noticed the question in Wheeler’s eyes, he sighed. She realized that Ives must have filled him in already.

As if he could read her thoughts, the boss said, “Apparently, they’ve been at each other’s throats all day”

“You’re both damn lucky you don’t have to deal with their bullshit out there,” groaned Ives into the pillows.

Wheeler shook her head and a corner of her mouth curled into a knowing smile. 

“A little patience, guys. It's all going according to plan."

Ives muffled huff was enough of a comment, but TP stopped his pacing and shot her a confused look.

"How so?"

Wheeler bit her lip. It took her one minute around them in the canteen to guess what had happened. But if that somehow wasn’t obvious to her colleagues, she was in no place to share the information.

Of course, for a second she was tempted to say “oh, they fucked”,  just to watch Ives’ and TP’s reaction, but she knew better than to do so. Moreover, she had a weird feeling that those two morons would start being weird around them, and that wouldn’t help in the slightest. 

“Trust me, they are close to figuring it out. And then-...”

----------------

You rushed to the next cover, sending a round into a merc running in your direction. As you slid behind a crate and started reloading your rifle, the rest of the squad slowly made their way through the abandoned apartment complex. How all those mercenary groups kept getting their hands on inverted materials was beyond you, but as the boss was trying to figure it out, it was up to the ground teams to secure the cargo. 

"What's with the silent treatment today?" Neil’s voice rang in your earpiece. 

Your eyes quickly located him at the other side of the corridor. Even from a distance, you could see his raised brow as he glanced at you right before heading into the next room. 

"I'm focused on the mission,” you scoffed, checking out on the team before moving further ahead. “You should try that one day." 

As soon as you entered a new location, a bullet whizzed past you and your reflexes kicked in. A quick shot and you spun on your heel, hiding behind a pillar. 

Meanwhile, Neil glued his back to the wall. As another merc walked past him, he disarmed them in one swift move, tossing the gun away.

"Nah, I’m good,” he said casually. You watched him as he ducked under a fist flying at his face and threw a kidney punch himself. “Multitasking." 

You snorted, quite amused, jumping out of your cover to down two more men coming in. You caught Ives’ murderous glare as he moved past you, motioning you to keep up the pace. Nodding, you followed him into a staircase.

"I must admit, not hearing your voice almost made me forget how annoying you are,” you huffed through comms to Neil. Ives shot the merc waiting for you around the corner and you moved up. “And as I don't believe you can actually stop being annoying,” you continued, taking a position at the door, “but how about you don't talk to me ever again instead?" 

You heard footsteps behind you and as you looked over your shoulder, you saw Neil standing right there with his pistol cocked in his gloved hands. He leaned in, a smug grin plastered on his face.

"And lose that spiteful edge to sex we have going there?" he teased quietly and chuckled as your eyes widened at the audacity.

Wishing you could just shoot him in return, you turned away and entered the corridor. Ives waited for you at the door to another unfinished apartment and as soon as you reached him, he blasted through it, while Neil and his team took the door at the other side of the hall.  

"We, and I cannot stress this enough, do not have anything going there, blondie," you uttered through gritted teeth, sweeping through the rooms.

Sharp laughter resonated in your earpiece. 

"Sure sounds like someone needs round two, though."

Your mind involuntarily wandered back to the events of that late evening in the locker room. Neither of you has mentioned it for the last couple of days, and you kinda hoped it would stay that way. Not that you could ever erase it from your memory. And the worst part was, there were moments you were no longer sure you would ever want to.

A movement in the corner of your eye. 

That confusion might keep you up at night, but with daylight, you came back to your senses, and a little remark was not enough to cloud your lightning reflexes while you held a gun. A shot echoed through the room and another merc dropped to the ground. 

"In your dreams," you scoffed on your way back to the corridor. 

"Funny you should say that…" 

You noticed Neil walking into the line of fire in the last second.

“Watch out!” you shouted, grabbing him by the vest and pulling him back inside the apartment. You shoved him against the wall and pressed your forearm to his chest to keep him in place as the round meant for him cut through the now empty hallway. While the rest of the team returned fire and pushed forward, you caught a glimpse of fear in the blue eyes just before Neil managed to compose himself. The corner of his lips twitched into a nervous version of his usual half-smile.

For fuck’s sake...

“Well, this brings back fond memories,” he panted, raising an eyebrow.

You flashed your teeth and pressed him to the wall even harder. 

“Shut up and focus, goddamnit, or I swear I will let you walk straight into the next rain of bullets,” you fumed. 

Your serious glare made Neil gulp and nod slowly. You took a step back as you exhaled shakily. 

Readjusting the rifle’s strap, you shook off any remains of panic from your system. Neil watched you with an indecipherable expression on his face as he reloaded his pistol. You met his eyes, just to make sure he was good to go. Finding there what you were looking for, you smacked his arm lightly and ran towards the sounds of combat.

You joined your squad, focusing on providing support as you closed in on the final location. Neil rushed to the front of the action, and even from afar you could see his moves got more vicious, every blow and shot landing now with deadly precision. For a second you wondered what exactly got triggered inside of him back there.

Whatever that was though, it wasn’t enough to hold his tongue for too long.

"Hey, at least now you had a chance to slam me against a wall."

You rolled your eyes and sighed dramatically, already regretting saving his infuriating ass. 

“You know, I daydream about strangling you more and more often every day.”

A few shots later, the all-clear sounded through the earpiece. You moved to secure the exit as Ives checked the contents of the crates in the back of the room. 

Neil took a position right next to you, eyeing you curiously.

“Is it a threat or a promise?”

Seeing the familiar roguish sparks sent your blood boiling.

You narrowed your eyes, letting a sly grin on your face.

“Do you really wanna find out?”

“You two either kill or fuck each other already,” huffed Ives, walking by you with the most done expression you’d seen on him in years. “Whatever you decide, please keep it off comms, eh?”

You pinched the bridge of your nose, trying not to blush furiously. Neil’s failed attempt at stifling an amused giggle wasn’t helping in the slightest. 

As you finally looked back at the bane of your existence, he tilted his head, biting his lip before speaking up again, and somehow you knew exactly what he was about to say.

“I’m up for whatever.”

You groaned.

...yep, that was it.

----------------

One of the teams’ unwinding rituals included going to the nearby pub for drinks and karaoke. You weren’t the biggest fan of singing in public yourself and no amount of alcohol could change that, but you never skipped the opportunity of watching your squadmates getting shitfaced and pouring their hearts out through the mic. That night was no different, and even though you were taking it easy with drinking, the rest of the crew was already deep in the party mood. 

You watched Wheeler singing Black Velvet from your spot at the counter. You used to spend much more time together, but she’d got designated to leading inverted teams and you got stuck at Ives’ squad. Not that you were complaining. 

You always had good banter with him, and even the unfortunate beginning of your relationship wasn’t enough to change that. You ended up being good friends and you knew he always had your back no matter what. Even when he was absolutely tired of your bullshit. 

You cringed at the memory of his comment earlier that day. 

And because the universe wasn’t done with tormenting you just yet, you felt Neil’s presence next to you. You turned your head and glanced at him, ready to meet his aggravating stare. To your surprise, you found him standing there with his eyes fixed on his drink instead, evidently having an internal battle with himself. 

Neil noticed your puzzled expression and took a big sip from the glass before looking at you. A sheepish smile on his lips was something new, and it only made you even more confused.

“Hey,” he said, raking the fingers through his hair. “Thank you. For earlier.”

“Don’t mention it,” you huffed, frowning slightly.

“It’s nice to know you have my back, just in case.”

You were annoyed that he was making such a big deal out of it. But there was something in the blue eyes that softened your gaze and you gave Neil a reassuring smile.

“Of course,” you said and cleared your throat. “Besides,“ - a corner of your lips twitched - “I couldn’t let you get killed in such a stupid way right under my nose, I wouldn’t want it to taint my next eval’.”

“Sure,” he shrugged. “No other reason?”

“Like what?” 

You regretted asking the question as soon as it left your mouth. Because of course, Neil’s eyes lit up in response and he smirked.

“You would miss me.”

"Ah, there it is," you snorted, fighting the urge to punch him. "For a moment I was scared I was starting to like you, thanks."

He chuckled. “Oh no, we wouldn't want that now, would we," he teased, leaning your way with a roguish smile.

You clenched your jaw, trying to ignore the heart fluttering in your chest.

Neil hummed and downed his drink. A mischievous spark in his eyes suddenly made you nervous. 

“What now?” you asked, dreading the answer already.

Neil’s expression was nothing but innocent. 

“I believe it’s my turn.” 

You watched him make his way to the mic. Letting out a deep sigh, you shook your head. 

That man was going to be the death of you one day.

You finished your drink and joined the rest of the team in the booth right in front of the makeshift scene. As soon as you sat down, a familiar song started and your widened eyes darted at Neil, who was just casually adjusting the rolled-up sleeves of his striped shirt. 

...it must have been a mistake.

His wicked grin as he met your horrified gaze was enough to tell you he knew exactly what he was doing.

He started singing with no hesitation, smiling to himself.

Under the lovers sky

Gonna be with you

And no one's gonna be around 

Neil’s eyes fixed on you and he raised a brow. A small incoherent noise escaped your mouth, luckily drowning in your squad’s encouraging whooping.

If you think that you won't fall

Well just wait until

'Til the sun goes down 

You met Wheeler’s amused look over the table.

“Why is he that way?” you whined, hiding your face in your palms. 

Underneath the starlight, starlight

There's a magical feeling so right 

You could hear the smile in his voice and you forced yourself to glance back at Neil. 

it will steal your heart tonight 

Catching your eyes again, he winked, making you exhale sharply in response.

You can try to resist

Try to hide from my kiss

You thought about the way you evaded his kiss at that locker room and your chest tightened at that memory.

Don't you know, don't you know

That you, can't fight the moonlight

He knew the song by heart, and you couldn’t wrap your head around that fact.

Deep in the dark, you'll surrender your heart

But you know, but you know that you

And by the way he commanded everyone’s attention, you saw it wasn’t his first performance. 

Can't fight the moonlight. No

His voice was clear and he was definitely having fun up there.

You can't fight it

...too much fun, if anybody asked you.

It's gonna get to your heart

He walked up to the booth and a spike of panic flashed in your brain.

There's no escaping love

He made his way to Ives, a mischievous grin lighting his face.

Once the gentle breeze

Neil ran a finger along your friend’s bearded jaw, leaving Ives frozen in shock. 

Weaves a spell upon your heart

Neil turned to you and your breath hitched as you realized what was about to happen.

No matter what you think

A few steps more.

It won't be too long

He stopped right in front of you.

'Til you're in my arms

He leaned your way, putting a finger under your chin and tilting it up gently.

Underneath the starlight, starlight

He moved even closer, his eyes wandering along your features.

We'll be lost in the rhythm so right

The emphasis on the last words combined with the look on his face made your mind go blank.

Feel it steal your heart tonight

...that was clearly his plan for the night, huh?

You forced yourself to start breathing again as Neil chuckled through the next line. 

Bloody hell, you hated the effect he had on you. 

You caught a glimpse of a smug smile before he turned away. Leveling your breath, you watched as he stepped back on the stage, hoping he wouldn’t have any other stupid ideas.

But Neil seemed to be satisfied with what he’d put you through and just continued the song. 

He even aimed for one of the high notes, scrunching his nose and giggling as his voice wavered for a second, and you couldn’t stop your lips from curling at the sight. There was something endearing in his joyful demeanor out there, and you wondered how many sides to him you had yet to discover.

Before you had a chance to get too soft, he finished singing and looked at you again. The dark shade in his gaze sent a shiver down your spine. 

You needed another drink. Stat.

At least he had enough decency to let you collect yourself before he joined you at the bar. Neil ordered a vodka tonic and leaned his back against the counter, eyeing you curiously.

“So?”

You stifled a giggle, shaking your head. “For a second I thought you might start dancing on the counter."

He laughed at the reference.

"And for a second, I thought about doing that,” he said, reaching for his drink. He smiled slyly at your amused snort and continued, lowering his voice slightly, “but I didn't want you to lose your mind. Or faint, for that matter… I want you conscious for later."

Neil took a sip from the glass, savoring the effect of his words on you as you stared at him with a slack jaw.

"You want me--"

"Yes." 

You blinked rapidly, composing yourself. The last thing you needed was to give him the satisfaction of making you flustered so easily. 

But you couldn’t resist playing his game even for a moment. 

Just to see if he would back down.

"And what is it exactly that you think it's gonna happen later?" you said, taking a step in his direction. 

Neil raised a brow, turning your way. His gaze flared up as he searched your eyes for your intentions, moving even closer to you.

"Spoilers.”

"Riiight,” you smirked. The rising temperature between the two of you was slowly hazing over your mind, making your breath shallow as you taunted, “Or maybe you're all talk."

The throaty chuckle sent the heart racing in your chest. 

"Want to try me?" he teased, grazing his knuckles against your bare arm, and it took all your resolve not to tremble at the sensation. 

The pulse pounded in your ears as you took his drink from his hand, finishing it in one swing. You looked into his eyes, dark and yearning, and a corner of your lips curled.

"Well, no need to wait 'til the sun goes down', anymore."

“Blimey.”

A few moments later, you found yourself in an empty restroom, tugging at Neil’s shirt until your back hit the cold wall. His wicked grin widened at your eagerness as he grabbed your waist with one hand, running the other one through your hair. You splayed your palms on his heaving chest, moving them up to his neck to pull him closer. 

Neil tilted his head and leaned in to kiss you, but just as your lips were about to meet, your whole body tensed and it was enough to make him stop instantly. He pulled back to look at you, concerned.

"What's wrong?” he asked in a husky voice. 

You huffed, frustrated. At your own reaction. At him suddenly being all gentleman about it. And at yourself again, for not appreciating his concern. 

But it wasn’t the right moment to talk about it, and you were pretty sure he would be all weird about it if you didn’t say anything. 

"It's just--... “ you hesitated, your mind rushing to find any plausible excuse. As you finally found one, your face lit up and you nibbled at your bottom lip, staring at him challengingly. “Don't you get all soft on me now, blondie." 

You almost squirmed under his predatory gaze. Neil brought his hand to your throat, and as his fingers wrapped around it, he leaned to whisper to your ear.

"Suit yourself."

When his teeth grazed your earlobe, you gasped, feeling the feverish heat rushing through your veins. His mouth trailed down your neck as he moved his hand higher, tilting your chin with his thumb just before he brushed it against your lips. You shut your eyes and bit back a moan, feeling Neil smiling and then he ran the tip of his tongue along the crook of your neck.

All of the sudden, you heard voices on the other side of the door. Before you could react, Neil grabbed your hand and pulled you into the stall at the farthest corner of the restroom, turning the lock and pinning you to the wall again with your wrists above your head.

You exhaled sharply as you spotted the roguish sparks in his eyes. 

As some people entered the restroom, Neil stroked your temple with his nose and breathed, “Looks like we need to keep quiet.“ 

You swallowed hard and shuddered, the pulse thumping in your ears.

Still keeping his fingers wrapped around your wrists, his other hand wandered down your body slowly. He studied the way you melted into his touch, taking pleasure at the sight of the animalistic need that clouded your eyes. The last coherent thought left your mind when you felt his hand sliding under your dress, grazing against your thighs, higher and higher, and you bucked your hips, silently urging him to keep moving. 

Neil’s lips parted slightly and he leaned in, kissing your neck just as his fingers trailed under the hem of your panties right to your pulsing core. You threw the head back against the wall and your thighs tightened involuntarily as if to prevent him from backing away now.

“Christ, I’ve barely touched you and you’re already this wet,” Neil chuckled breathlessly to your ear and yanked your underwear down your legs in one swift motion. Securing the grip on your wrists, he palmed over you again, moving his hand back and forth, his digits pressing against your folds firmer with every stroke and you let out an inaudible gasp, feeling the fire at the pit of your stomach growing by the minute. 

But when his thumb started rubbing circles over your clit, you buried your face in the crook of his neck to stifle a cry ready to escape your mouth any second now. Without skipping a beat, Neil gently tapped his foot on the side of your shoe and you instantly followed his suggestion, spreading your legs for him. He hummed in approval, slipping one, then two, fingers into you, and you sank your teeth in your bottom lip as the sudden bolt of pleasure seared your every nerve. 

Neil picked up the pace, curling his fingers inside you just right, and a quiet moan built in your throat and you nuzzled your face into his neck even further; the spicy scent of his cologne ingraining in your hazed mind with every shaky breath you took. 

Feeling you getting closer to the edge, Neil let go of your wrists and pushed you back on the wall. Cupping your face with his free hand, he pressed a thumb against your mouth firmly. You panted heavily as he kept tracing your parted lips in almost the same rhythm as his fingers slid in and out of your throbbing core. You closed your eyes as the fire from the pit of your stomach almost consumed you. 

And just when you thought that you couldn’t take much more, you felt the pad of his thumb grazing against the tip of your tongue at the same time the other one flicked your clit. Your mind went blank and you sucked on his finger, trying to muffle a whimper.

“Good girl,” Neil breathed into your ear. “Now come for me.”

And so you did, your every particle dissolving into a blissful pleasure roaming through your body wave after wave. 

When you regained your senses, you were greeted by the self-satisfied grin you knew all too well. You scoffed and shook your head, too much of a mess to form a coherent comment. You listened for a second, trying to figure out if there was anyone outside, but it seemed that you two were alone, at least for now. Then your eyes wandered down and your mouth watered at the sight. 

Without thinking twice over it, you palmed the bulk in Neil’s trousers, looking up to meet his gaze. 

The hint of surprise mixed with the sheer hunger in the dark blue eyes made your racing heart skip a bit.

"Are you sure?" he rasped, placing hands on your waist.

You nodded, your fingers already fighting with his belt. 

"Stop talking."

Neil raised a brow, amused. 

"Maybe you should ask nicely."

You looked at him in disbelief and turned towards the stall’s door, huffing, "Maybe I should leave you like this."

Neil wrapped his arms around you.

"Mhm," he murmured into your neck as he squeezed your breast, his other hand sliding down your body.

"Fuck--" you gasped as his fingers pressed to your clit again.

His throaty chuckle vibrated on your back.

"What was that?" 

You moaned, rolling your hips to brush against him.

"...please."

----------------

You dampened a paper towel to clean your smudged makeup.

"Wanna grab something to eat?"

You glanced at Neil’s reflection in the mirror, watching as he tucked the shirt in his pants.

"You're reading too much into this,” you tried to make your voice as casual as possible.

"I wouldn't dare," he laughed, joining you by the mirror. "What if I promise not to talk to you unless you ask me to?" 

You mused over it for a moment, staring at Neil’s attempts to fix his messy hair.

"And if you break the promise?"

The blue eyes met yours and lit up.

"I'll let you punish me however you see fit."

You scoffed. 

...but then a corner of your lips twitched into a half-smile.

(next chapter ->)

[btsandvmin]

Ask: Reply - 2021.03.30

Yet another batch of interesting questions from you all. I really appriciate how much you seem to value my thoughts and opinions, so thank you for interacting and investing your time into my blog, it means a lot. I got to hear from some of you that you felt my last post was very warm and even comforting, and honestly those are such sweet compliments. Thank you so much! <3

And before we start, just to let you know, I will answer asks about Let’s BTS on KBS in a different post. Because I got a lot of them, and I haven’t seen the show in it’s full yet. But... VMIN~~!!! 💜

You can check the topics below to see if anything interests you (no one is going to force you to read all of it unless you want to). There will be some possibly controversial topics and opinions in this post. Also, remember that I while I do put effort into answering asks, they generally will be less detailed and nuanced than a full post. Most of the time it’s a stream of thoughts with some added references if needed. Thank you all for being nice and understanding, it means a lot.

Topics:

Ask 1 - Did you catch some change in Jimin over time? Ask 2 - Vmin’s relationship becoming more instense Ask 3 - Ji/kook and their Tokyo trip Ask 4 - Idols dating members of the same group Ask 5 & 6 -  Replies to earlier ask about not enjoying a pair because of shipping Ask 7 - Tae wanting to have children and him being together with someone of the same sex Ask 8 -  Going down the rabbit hole, micromoments and shipping vs believing Ask 9 - Vmin cuddling and grabbing ass Ask 10 - Vmin vs Ji/kook being less/more vocal and how did I survive being a Vmin shipper for so long? Ask 11 - Choosing what asks to answer (and a bunch of nice things) Ask 12 - This ask just makes me happy

Ask 1 - Did you catch some change in Jimin over time?

Hi and thank you, that’s very sweet of you. :3 As for being a Vminie it’s ok if you don’t want to proclaim yourself as one, it’s totally fine just being curious and coming to me with questions anyways. But even so, if you do feel like a Vminie (and even if you don’t) welcome and I hope you’ll feel comfortable in the Vmin community.

A lot of people who get into RP shipping or maybe even believing, are like you not always into shipping before falling for a BTS ship. I think it can often lead to a lot of confusion actually. Being drawn into a shipping community that is kind of unsure of if it’s even shipping or beyond shipping a lot of the time is also sometimes hard to navigate. I think BTS being BTS and the incredible bonds they share makes it very inviting and leads to a lot of non-shippers getting curious. Maybe even more so if BTS is your first Idol group. (Correct me if I’m wrong, because I am myself not one of these people so I am just guessing.) I find people’s reasons for shipping and being attracted to different ships very interesting, but honesly all BTS ships are some of the most wholesome ones I’ve seen. The love these 7 boys have for each other is truly remarkable.

I’ve seen a change in both Jimin and Tae as individuals and of course in their relationship and dynamic as well. Growing up will do that of course, and they have been through a lot, alone and together. We know like Tae said that Jimin used to be very different, and that around Danger he started to feel more comfortable being himself. Jimin too has said he used to be “weird” and that he has started to relax more with time. I think Jimin has gradually become more and more comfortable in his own skin and with how to be as a member of BTS. I think this change is of course something gradual but that sometimes situations can make them “grow faster” due to being reflective or being exposed to a new problem, for example not being able to perform now due to Corona or how the Love yourself message really resonated and made the members think about their own lives as well. What I see is Jimin trying less to be cool and being softer and getting more relaxed in general, so it’s not surprising this reflects in his relationships with other members as well.

As for how Vmin changed I think most of us saw a shift around 2016, and we know they changed a lot when the dumpling incident happened. I think they got softer and most of all I think they realized the importance of communicating. How they need to talk and be open with each other and that they put in effort to make their relationship improve. They have both talked about this, and I think it’s something that lead to a big change in how they behave with each other. I feel we have seen them becoming more attentive, understanding and patient with each other because they put in the effort to have a better relationship.

As for Jimin being cutely shy I definitely think we saw that a lot during 2016-2018 but that we still see it from time to time. I still personally suspect it has more to do with normalizing behavior for the camera than Jimin being more comfortable and relaxed doing those things with Tae in general. I also think we see times when Jimin definitely seem to get shy or in some sense bothered with Taehyung’s actions towards him (I wrote this before Let’s BTS but that’s yet another example of Tae being forward and it making Jimin a bit nervous.). So again, while I do see this change in Jimin seemingly being more relaxed now, I think when it comes to Vmin think it depends more on situation and is something that they have slowly changed over time. I’ve talked about this in my post  Vmin – Pushing the boundaries and also about the camera possibly being a factor in  Vmin - Push and Pull. 

I think we have gotten Vmin moments of all kinds over the years, and that’s why the shift with many things seems to be gradual and also not 100% consistant. But it also makes sense for any relationship to stabalize when they’ve been friends for so long and finally grown into adults. They’ve both become more comfortable with themselves and together. (Though there are still some very odd behaviors remaining if you ask me). So yeah, I’ve seen Jimin change and I am happy he seems more comfortable now. Vmin has changed too, and though they still have their stiff and odd moments and might even be careful about how they come across they definitely show a lot of things now that they didn’t before. And on that note let’s get to the next ask...

Ask 2 - Vmin’s relationship becoming more instense

Yeah, I kind of agree. They just seem to do more and more of a lot of very intimate looking things. And often it seems they increase these behaviors over time as they get more comfortable doing them, like hand holding for example. Again, I’ve spoken about this many times before as in my posts mentioned in the above ask. For me I kind of think Tae has always been very intense, but he’s just expanded and become more diverse in how he expresses it, if that makes sense? For example the songs, or them deciding to call each other soulmates (though Tae tried and was denied before the 2017 post-it) or simply pointing out Jimin as special are things that has happened several times but become more obvious and sometimes even blunt. They definitely seem a lot more intimate in general as well. I would say that kind of goes for most of the group though, as I am sure knowing each other for so long and slowly changing as individuals will affect their group dynamics as well. They all seem a bit more touchy and comfortable with affection now (I mean just compare Namjoon initiating touch early years to now.). Vmin has definitely increased a lot of their very affectionate and even romantic looking moments, even though I do think they had early examples as well. Mostly I feel they got softer, more attentive and understanding towards each other and has increased some particular behaviors that might seem almost couple like (though not always exclusively with only´each other).

As for people thinking Vmin hate each other... I just don’t understand how you could come to this conclusion about any of the boys. Fine if you think they aren’t as close as they want to come across, but hating and even just disliking someone for so long and hiding it isn’t an easy task. In particular these antis also seem to forget that Tae is very honest and straight forward. He’s called out bs from fans and his company many times... And yet he would happily play along with pretending to love the members and even going out of his way to show it in ridiculously sweet ways? Also why even like someone or a group that can lie to this extent? Then you wouldn’t really know them or what to trust at all, so why just pick the moments you think are genuine to stick to?

This idea that Vmin would hate each other is just weird to me... I mean it does show Vmin has a contradicting behavior and weird enough moments for antis to pick up on. Though I do think antis would twist any moments regardless if Vmin seemed totally fine or not. For me it’s clear you can’t fake feelings and statements and reactions so consistantly, and with a lot of small almost private or not very obvious moments, for so long. Honestly the only way Vmin is played up is if the feelings are there but they run with it a bit more... But even that doesn’t make sense because things like not talking about 4 o’clock until now or them themselves choosing the label soulmates and Jimin even being shy about it or even denying the Christmas song happened. These things come from Tae himself, in defiance almost, and thus I think it would be weird to have them play up some things but downplay others. Especially from a person like Tae who seems to want to be as honest as possible and sometimes even blurt out things he maybe shouldn’t.

Anyways, I don’t think we need to linger on this topic much more, because honestly no matter what Vmin’s relationship is it should be clear they mean a lot to each other and their feelings of love for each other are genuine and impossible to fake.

Ask 3 - Ji/kook and their Tokyo trip

First of all I am sorry you got insulted over just being curious and asking questions. Having an open dialogue and not shutting out arguments, questions or ideas never does any good (as long as it’s not done in a toxic/hateful way). I don’t particularly like speaking of other ships myself, but getting agressive or dissmissive is not the way to go.

First I would say I don’t think the trip has to have anything to do with Vmin’s bond... Not everything is going to have to be explained away as some grand scheme. Ji/kook going on a trip or Jimin going on a trip with other friends (like when he went to Paris/Hawaii/Russia) is nothing weird and shouldn’t be seen as weird just because Ji/kook are also in the same group and obviously close enough to enjoy each other’s company. (You might think Vmin in comparison not going on a trip is weird, but that’s a different discussion.) just going somewhere together does not make a ship more real and not going does also not have to mean anything.

BTW this is Vmin just a couple of weeks after Ji/kook got back from their trip, so I think it’s safe to say Tae had no problem with it. We really need to remember that likely no matter what ship would be real (if any of course) the memebrs are ok with it.

Actually just watch the whole segment if you haven’t because it’s one of the MUST SEE moments from BTS.

If you are sensitive or can’t read about other ships without getting triggered I suggest skipping to the next ask as I will now talk some about ji/kook. But I also want to remind you all that the most likely scenario is still no ship at all being real, and we should all be careful with trusting in narratives too much in general.

I don’t want to go into too much detail, because it’s not the focus of my blog. But the short story is that Ji/kook went to Tokyo together privately. They went there during a break in late october 2017 and were spotted by fans and then JK also released a travel vlog of the whole thing. The main narrative is that this was during a time Ji/kook was being normalized and working towards a glass closet with the help of Big Hit and that the GCF video was romantic. Because of the song and because of the artist being LGBT+ it was a message from JK about him and Jimin. There was also pictures of them shopping jewelry and there was a theory going around they bought matching rings and that the whole trip was a way to celebrate their relationship and again possibly also start working towards some kind of coming out. The trip is seen as an important turning point in most Ji/kook narratives and honestly until now I do think this is one of their most legit “moments” that isn’t just based on speculation.

(Also it was said that Jimin wanted to go with Tae as well, but it really doesn’t change anything even if it was about this particular trip or just in general. Ji/kook going alone is still nothing weird on it’s own.)

I would suggest taking anything from any shipper with a grain of salt though. I mean saying Ji/kook got engaged while in Tokyo and even talked about it/hinted at it/are open with their relationship to begin with would basically mean Ji/kook being together is a known fact by many at Big Hit. If that’s the case they don’t seem very careful or bothered at all by the possibility of their relationship ruining their own and the group’s career. Personally I see this as kind of unlikely myself, as I would think any LGBT+ idol would at least be a bit careful or discreet, and maybe even more so when fans are as invasive and investigative as some can be. 

We also need to remember that while shipping communities are huge, the non-shipper fans, other shippers and even homophobic fans will always be a very large group as well. They will likely always outnumber “supporters” of a particular ship. No matter what ship we talk about, coming out would be difficult and lead to a massive loss in fans (and money). Not to mention the psychological effects it could have on the ones involved. I don’t see how the members or Big Hit would be careless with it if that was the case. 

I won’t say ji/kook being together is impossible, because as I always say we don’t know enough about them or how a relationship would look like or be handled. I just personally don’t think many theories or narratives from ji/kookers makes sense, and them getting engaged and being open about it is one of these things. (This is also why I don’t think the members joking about a real ship looking like a couple seems like a likely idea.)

Taehyung and Jimin used to share hotel rooms all the time, and we know members showered together or that Tae posted a photo of Jimin in the bath. Having many moments like this I think it would take a lot to make one ship in particular stand out. Once again, even for Vmin the stuff that actually makes me question them are usually not the intimate things they do or the individual moments we get to see, but instead the context and possibly weird behaviors they have showed over time (and the songs). 

I know more about Vmin, and I find them more questionable, but like I have said I still do understand why people ship other ships. I even find some theories very interesting, like even for ships like Tae x Hobi, there are stuff to find that make you wonder. But that’s the thing, all shippers can do this. So once again I urge you to remain sceptical but open, and let people ship what they want while we focus on enjoying Vmin.

I hope I answered your questions, and that the conversations about this topic remain civil. I am sorry for bringing up another ship, I just felt talking about this to this anon was the nice thing to do.

Ask 4 - Idols dating members of the same group

Hi and thanks for your ask. For me this isn’t really some big revelation, though I haven’t seen her original statement and as you say maybe it was just misunderstood. But still, I am pretty sure there are LGBT+ idols that date, and that it’s very possible there are inter group relationships of different kinds. I mean we legit have an example of a group (K-Population) that disbanded because one member cheated on another member he was in a relationship with with a third male idol. So we don’t know how common it would be, but it’s definitely not impossible.

However we can conclude from statistics alone that many idols will be LGBT+, and that all of them would be living in celibate is just not realistic. Being LGBT+ in any country is a risk, but of course in a country like South Korea that risk is a lot higher. There are still people who are openly LGBT+ in Korea, and even a few examples (though very rare) in the entertainment industry. But we have to remember queer people and queer relationships have always excisted under very difficult conditions. But they decided to be together despite the risks. Not saying we can compare, but just that we need to realize that something being difficult or even forbidden doesn’t mean it can’t happen anyway.

So, we can guess some idols, despite the risk, would still choose to be together/sleep around etc. We also know any relationship is a risk for an idol, or that they do stuff that are illegal etc. as well, so again, risk doesn’t have to equal something can’t happen anyway.

If anything what I find interesting here is that people do seem to know about some idols being LGBT+ or in relationships but it still remains mostly hidden. Unless she is talking about only people very close to her or her own group. Again, I think idols would be careful with any relationship, but obviously people in the industry know to be discreet about it to some level. But yeah, I think looking at any entertainment industry and being a fan of idol culture for a long time this feels very natural and something I would guess happens at least from time to time. I’ve seen other interviews with ex trainees etc. as well and it does seem a lot of rumors float around, but that often managers/staff find out stuff even before other members of the same group does. However, I do think we also have to remember BTS aren’t going to be exactly like all other groups, and likely has a lot of other aspects we need to take into consideration when speculating. Thanks again for the ask and info. :)

Ask 5 and 6 - Replies to earlier ask about not enjoying a pair because of shipping

Hi and thank you both for sharing. These are two replies to “ Ask 5 - Not enjoying a bond because of it’s shippers” from the post Ask: Reply - 2021.03.25. 

Firts thanks for liking my posts, and indeed we should remember that romantic love is not automatically superior. Vmin just being Vmin is enough no matter their relationship status. We know their bond is special to them, and any partner of theirs would know it too and have to be fine with it.

I get feeling like “I don’t want those toxic people to be right” though... It happens to me too and it especially annoys me because even if any of the big ships are real that doesn’t mean all of their toxic theories and narratives are. But it feels like them being right about a ship being real would include the stuff they got wrong as well. So yeah, it’s not always easy to sepparate the two sides of shippers being toxic and having toxic narratives from the possibility of their ship being real. When it affects the way you personally enjoy a dynamic it has gone quite far though, and hopefully you might in time be able to sepparate the ship from the shipping narratives.

I know there are many people who feel this way and who also feel very bad about feeling this way. Sadly I really think this is just very common psychology that might be difficult to avoid once you get emotionally invested. Feeling bad I think is a very good sign actually, because you are aware you shouldn’t look down on or get annoyed with other members because of shipping. At least you aknowlegde and admit to it, which means you can try to work against it. Avoiding toxic places and people is a good start. I hope you can get to enjoy all of BTS’s bonds and work towards not having to feel bad. I know it’s not easy, but again, you should give credit to yourself for at least being aware and trying.

Again, I think getting involved with ships, or even just being a fan of real people, can come with a lot of difficulties when we start to build our own view of them. Getting that view shattered will never be pleasant, and even the idea of something can threaten our image and thus make us feel bad or even defensive. I really don’t know any great way to get around this but to simply try to be aware and get yourself used to the thought that your image might not completely overlap with reality. This goes for thinking something about individual people and their relationships to each other. We should always be prepared to be wrong. Not that we should say “anything is possible” or that everything is equally likely, because honestly saying things like BTS all hate each other etc. is so unlikely it’s basically impossible. (At least to me.) But again, we need to remind ourselves we are only people watching from afar. We do know BTS to some extent, but only what they choose to show us, it’s not a mutual relationship even though it might feel very intimate. 

I think the biggest problem is when our own views become more worth to us than what we actually get to see or hear from the boys directly. When fans think we know better or get invasive and toxic in how we express our views. We also really need to remember to sepparate anything that comes from the fandom from what comes from BTS themselves. No matter if it’s toxic people or toxic narratives we have to try and not let it influence our views of BTS themselves. Again the only advice I can really give is to try and actively remember the difference and to stay away and not engage with anything that might affect you in a harmful way. I know it’s difficult and I am sorry I can’t be of any more help. But yes, you who feel like this aren’t alone, and it’s not easy but at least you are trying and most importantly don’t want to feel this way.

As for the second part of the second ask about wanting JK to be with someone who priorotize him I just want to point out that if another ship than Vmin is real I am sure they do love each other and appriciate each other. We don’t get to see everything, so for all we know they might say even “worse” things, just not publically. This is after all also part of our image based on what we see, which doesn’t have to translate into their real lives. I know it might feel big or weird with Vmin calling each other soulmates while another ship has to hide, but at the end of the day that’s also how WE feel about it, and not neccessarily how they would feel about it. If any ship is real I am sure they are fine with all the things all members do to each other at this point or they simply wouldn’t do them, at least most of the time. Once again it’s important to trust their judgement over our own views on what would be good or bad etc.

Thank you again for sharing your stories, I think not feeling alone and trying to understand these problems is a good step towards working to overcome it. <3

Ask 7 - Tae wanting to have children and him being together with someone of the same sex

Hi and first of all don’t worry about me getting angry. I rarely get angry for people asking questions, but rather how and maybe why they ask them. I don’t see why wondering about Tae being so vocal about wanting children is bad, but I do think we have to remember that wanting children doesn’t equal they will never choose to be with someone of the same sex. Jimin too has said “Is this how I will feel when I become a father” and has said he wants children. Tae being louder about it doesn’t make him less likely to be queer and it doesn’t mean he can’t still want it but choose to be with a man anyway, despite the struggles. I get your point though and it’s good to keep in mind and not gloss over. It would be something that might make a gay relationship with Tae less likely, but it also mostly depends on things we have no clue about.

We also have to remember no matter what it’s likely not something they would want now and there is still time for the world to change. Tae could be optimistic that things will change eventually, who knows. Of course it’s also possible for him to change his opinion. Personally I used to think I would get married and have children but now think that’s not for me. I do believe he does want children, don’t get me wrong, he seems to love children a lot and has even said he want a lot of children. But I just want to leave it open for him to change or to choose other things above having a family. We don’t know how important having children would be for him if put in the situation of having to choose.

I do think we shouldn’t dimiss Tae wanting children completely in the “is he with a man in a serious relationship” question but that jumping to “well then he clearly is going to get married to a woman” is something very different. He could be saying it because he sees himself marrying a woman in the future, it’s definitely very possible that he doesn’t think about it further than that. Or he could be kind of like “I want children, we will figure out the rest when we get there.”

In the end I don’t think Tae being loud about wanting family has to mean much in any direction as it depends on a lot of other things. Like what did he think when he said it, does he think the same now, would he choose to be with the person he loves over having a family, is he hopeful he will be able to have a family with another man no matter the current circumstances etc? We don’t know what Tae thinks, except that he does seem to want family. Which again, Jimin seems to want too, so then it should be brought up for him as well (even if Tae has said it more often.)

This is of course just what if’s to begin with, and wanting family and not being leagally allowed to is of course a big thing. We just can’t know how Tae personally would think about it or express it even if he was LGBT+ and in a relationship with another man. He could choose to in the end marry a woman even if he is LGBT+ as well of course. But again it’s one of those things that is too personal and where individual choice/view matters too much for me to really know if it would reflect in Taehyung’s way to express it or not.

Sorry for the kind of non answer... I just don’t think we have enough to go on and that assuming what Tae would say or nor say or what he would choose in the end is too difficult to say.

Ask 8 - Going down the rabbit hole, micromoments and shipping vs believing

Hi and thank you for your praise and shared moments. You requested to be on anon so I’ll just remove your name. :) I think it’s really important to realize the differences in our own views and behaviors, and I am glad you liked my post  Shipping vs Believing because I really think it’s one of the most important posts I have written on this blog.

I’ll start a bit harsh by saying this; that moments on their own no matter how suggestive or weird doesn’t really mean much to me. Micro or big doesn’t matter much either, they might still mean nothing more than Vmin being platonic but having an odd moment. For me the behaviors and changes over time, the things that seem to become patterns and that doesn’t seem to fully make sense from an outsider perspective are the things that really make me wonder. But even then most things are simply interpretation and speculation and thus I end up somewhere with “this could mean something or it could mean nothing” for basically all moments. I won’t dismiss small moments just because they are small because if there is something they too are part of the whole, but I won’t hyper analyze big moments because if it’s nothing there it’s just me adding intention in my interpretation. It’s the full picture that I try to consider. 

Truly questionable indivudual moments are rare, and again, on their own wouldn’t even be that questionable if not for the fact that some of them have happened more than once or twice. Basically Tae writing one song based on a very important moment between him and Jimin wouldn’t be too weird. But if he is consistantly writing to or about Jimin specifically there could be more to it. It’s still just a could, but it’s the way I view things as more or less interesting in a full perspective.

As for the Run 53 moment I personally didn’t see anything in that moment of Vmin sharing and eating that Gimbap as something suggestive (I assume that’s the part you meant based on the time stamp). I think Jimin getting a bit annoyed and him wanting to draw on Tae is more interesting in comparison. Or how JK seemed to think Jimin just wanted to write his name on Tae’s body and Jimin said he “couldn’t do it” on his own shirt.

For the instagram post, thank you for the collection of cursed Vmin moments. :) I do enjoy these moments and gush about them and speculate about them of course, but again... None of these videos on their own would really make me wonder about Vmin. I’ve seen far worse in many other real people ships (Taemin and Kai or just all of Shinee is a good example), not to mention most of them are on stage and could at least be dismissed as partly fanservice (again fanservice doesn’t mean fake). 

No, for me moments on their own are not what makes me wonder about Vmin. The songs, the change over time, the possibility of them being careful with stuff (vlives or Jimin getting nervous) etc. is much more questionable to me. If we add moments on top, the moments could mean something... But they really don’t have to. Other shippers have their own moments that they think put their ship above any others, so it really is too subjective most of the time for me to truly think much of a particular moment. Even if Vmin would be real I don’t think a lot of moments has to mean anything special. The patterns though... Or when I have theories and I can keep adding to them... That’s when small moments and big moments become something possibly “more” to me. 

Sorry if I am shooting down your moments, I still enjoy them of course, even though I don’t think they are suggestive or special on their own. But really, thank you for sharing your thoughts and these nice moments. <3

Ask 9 - Vmin cuddling and grabbing ass

Haha, it’s funny because when I got the first ask I wondered if maybe you saw MY POST, and turns out you did. :P No need to be sorry, I can still talk a little bit about it since that was part of your ask. And there are a lot of Vmin blogs and content so mixing it up is totally understandable, especially since it was just a moment and not a discussion post.

Personally I think we have seen many moments like this from Vmin and other members, and the only thing I feel might be something is how Jimin squeezes and then seem to change to slapping which I suppose looks less intimate. (The squeeze is not in the gif, sorry.)

Again, coming from the ask above this is a typical example of a moment that could be something or nothing no matter if Vmin is real or not. I do agree it looks very intimate and I do love that Vmin have an obsession with each other’s asses, but if it’s platonic or not is really just up for interpretation. Also while I do think they usually are aware of them being filmed I do think behaviors can slip through and they forget in the moment.  Or they just don’t care at times? It wouldn’t surprise me if these slip ups are more likely to happen in each other’s company or in places they feel less guarded, for example at home. But even if it’s a reaction like “oh wait I shouldn’t do this on camera” it still doesn’t have to mean more than that they don’t want to show it camera. I’ve said it before but even being careful or doing things like hiding in rooms or even being jealous or writing songs has to automatically be romantic/sexual. Vmin act in ways that are questionable, but them being queerplatonic and just careful is very much a possibility as well.

Ask 10 - Vmin vs Ji/kook being less/more vocal and how did I survive being a Vmin shipper for so long?

Haha, you make being a Vminie sound difficult when truly it’s the easiest thing in the world. I know I am repeating myself but just because we got a lot of moments from other ships it doesn’t mean we didn’t get anything from Vmin. I also personally think that Jimin in typical Jimin fashion started to cling more to JK after he went through a rough time in 2018, just like Jimin got glued to Tae in Malta when he was sad and needed comfort. Jimin is just a good human like that. That being said, ships always go up and down in amount of moments and at this point I don’t think about it too much.

I really think Vmin sharing a lot more now has a lot to do with slow change over time, and simply feeling comfortable being more open. It’s of course possible they did spend less time in those years and thus had less to say... But considering some of the odd behaviors and the fact that Tae in particular didn’t shut up about Jimin at all, I think a lot of it comes down to fan perception. More people are noticing and hyping Vmin moments now as well. I also personally try to avoid the “what happened” speculations in regards to ships in particular when we don’t know if the change we see has to be about a ship or even if that change is actually real or just us projecting. Vmin saying they got closer is one thing, but when I speak about how Vmin seemed to get more careful that really is just my interpretation and guess.

I also don’t really know how much we can compare “do it a lot more now vs before” with Ji/kook because they still do those things... There are other factors that can play a part in why it’s brought up or not brought up more or less that doesn’t have to be related to being open vs careful. I mean, we got the Run episode of Ji/kook leaving together just recently, and Jimin mentioning several times about being with JK for the Billboard nr 1 news. At the same time we got a lot of Vmin and even Tae’s “I told him to come sleep next to me”... So really I don’t think the two things happening more or less can be easily compared or that we can add any intentions behind it.

Moments are up and down a lot over time... For all ships. And I see people start to worry “did something happen” even for ships like Ji/kook. Being a fan for long really does add perspective. I think for me coming into it being aware of idol culture and as a seasoned shipper it was also easier to just appriciate moments as they came and hoping for more without adding too much “doom think” into it. 

I don’t get worried about Vmin because I know even if we have a period of less moments we will get more soon again. Just look at now recently with there being little moments here and there, and people being sad and waiting for crumbs, followed by this week with so many great Vmin moments!

Shipping Vmin is easy when I focus on what we have and what we get instead of what we don’t get or what other ships get. Having perspective over time and patience and faith in their bond also helps. :) Vmin are easy to love after all. <3

Ask 11 - Choosing what asks to answer (and a bunch of nice things)

Oh my, I mean thank you. :3 But also sorry? Because I feel this ask collection had a lot of topics straying away from just “lovely things about Vmin”. I even kind of compared other ships a lot, so I hope you understand I will bring up some controversial topics and have opinions that people won’t agree with from time to time. It’s not my focus or course and I will avoid things I do think are too toxic, but I also feel like sometimes the difficult topics needs to be adressed. Like a lot of the asks today for example. 

I think I will make a post about ask etiquette, but generally I’ll try to answer your asks if I can. As long as it’s not something I don’t want to talk about or if it’s straight up toxic.

Still, your thoughts about me and my blog made me very happy. Thank you for liking my writing style too, because I tend to be all over the place and repeat myself a lot, not to mention actual mistakes and being generally sloppy. ^^’’’  So thank you! I just hope you are ok with asks like today too, but otherwise at least I am trying to add topics so you can avoid it if it seems like something you don’t want to read about. <3

Ask 12 - This ask just makes me happy

I mean what else can I say but thank you? And how your words makes me really happy and all warm on the inside. I try hard to not get swayed too hard in any direction, but not going to lie, that is very hard sometimes. Both in good and bad directions. As you say, at the end of the day we should all try to remember the difference between theory and confirmed things, even if something sounds very plausible or makes sense. And being an ARMY for a longer time (though not at all since the beginning) does give perspective. But it doesn’t really make my opinions superior or Vmin as a ship superior for that matter. All it really says is that Vmin are worth loving and that there is a lot to say and gush about them from every single year. Thank you again for your kind words. 

And that was it for this time... There was a lot of complicated asks today, and some topics might not be what you wish to read about, but I hope you all enjoyed and found this post interesting regerdless. Sorry for the lack of depth to some of my replies, but I felt I included most of what I wanted to say to some very difficult questions that would probably require a lot more time and detail to truly answer well.

I have plenty of asks left, not the least about Let’s BTS. But like I mentioned I need to save them for later as I haven’t watched the full thing yet and I want as much context as possible. But there is one thing I do know, and that is that 95z is love! 

Thank you all for reading, and sorry for the heavy topics and fuzzy replies. Feel free to discuss, but please remain civil. <3 

[kpopmalereader]

assume ; na jaemin

• summary: you’re on a dance team with jisung and chenle. jaemin was on the team the year before and comes back. you’re rehearsing by yourself one day and jisung and chenle catch jaemin watching you through a window. they (and a few others) notice jaemin can’t take his eyes off of you, but you brush it off, not wanting to make any assumptions about jaemin despite the constant glancing and interest in each other • pairing: na jaemin x male!reader • word count: 2469 • to do

Music blares through the room. It bounces off the walls, shaking the mirrors in front of you, and resonates in your bones. You’re dancing by yourself in the large room, but your fluid movements and the personality you put into even the smallest moves morphs the room smaller. You could be dancing in the largest cathedral all by yourself, and you would only let the world be as large as you want it to be before you pulled it back in. 

Jaemin’s eyes follow you. He’s engulfed by your every move. His bag is packed to the brim, and it feels heavy on his shoulder, almost painful, but all he cares about is the way you look. You’re beautiful, arms moving gracefully. You portray every emotion flawlessly. Jaemin realizes he’s openly staring at you but doesn’t care.

That is until Chenle and Jisung come up to him. They look him up and down before looking into the room. They can just see your ending pose, sweat dropping off your forehead. Your shoulders and chest move up and down as you breathe. The music is still booming through the room as you lean on your knees and attempt to catch your breath.

Jisung and Chenle move their eyes from you to Jaemin, then back to you. The gears moving in their heads are almost audible as they click everything into place. Chenle gasps and slaps Jisung’s shoulder as realization sets in.

“You like-!” Chenle’s yelling is cut off by Jaemin shoving him away from the door.

“I don’t! He’s a good dancer, and he’s grown a lot in the past year. That’s all I was looking at.”

Jaemin pushes the other two further and further away from the dance room as he talks. Neither of the two seem to believe him as they walk.

Jisung turns his head as his shoulder is hounded. “You’ve never looked at anyone dancing like that, no matter how good they are.”

Jaemin ignores his statement even though he knows it’s true. He continues to force both of them until they’re on the other end of the long hall. They can hear the music turn off, and not too long later, they notice you walk out of the room and out the side door. Chenle and Jisung are still looking at Jaemin like he’s oblivious, eyebrows raised and amused expressions. Chenle begins to smile at the thought of Jaemin having a crush on you and doesn’t bother hiding it.

“Don’t,” Jaemin warns.

“You two would look so cute together!” He cheers out. He sighs and places his hand over his heart. Jisung is pulled closer to him, clutching his shoulders and pretending to swoon. Wouldn’t they? Two dancers, they could do duets! They-”

“Are never going to together because neither of them like the other.” Jaemin finishes. “I was watching him dance. I haven’t been here in a year. I should scope out my competition.”

Jisung rolls his eyes, still being pulled down by Chenle. He argues against Jaemin’s statement, raising his voice as Jaemin begins to walk away. “We’re on the same team. There is no competition!”

*

The ground beneath you sways slightly as you stand. Your legs are far too tired to be still. You struggle to listen to the words the dance teacher is saying. Jaemin stands on the other side of the room with his arms crossed. His eyes sweep from the speaker to you, but when he realizes he hasn’t caught any of what she has said, he brings his attention back. 

Not soon after forcing himself to pay attention, his eyes go back to you. His eyes follow the curve of your cheeks down to your jawline. He watches you tilt your head back and forth, eyes seeming bored and disinterested with what the guest teacher says. You notice his stare a long time after the looks began. You glance up at him and make eye contact. You look away immediately, face turning light pink at his appreciative look.

He doesn’t look away from you. You can feel his eyes on you still but try not to pay attention to it. He absolutely devours the consistent darkening of your cheeks the longer he watches you. The other dancers around you notice Jaemin eyeing you up and start to draw conclusions about it. You’re still ignoring the look, somewhat certain he’s looking at everyone and not just you. 

Chenle and Jisung once again question Jaemin’s interested looks and big eyes as he watches you. He finally begins to relinquish some feelings but denies any reciprocation on your part.

*

Jaemin sits against the wall of mirrors, legs crossed and head leaning back ever-so-slightly. Over the few weeks that have passed since Jaemin came back, his looks and constant moving to get closer has gotten more and more exaggerated. It’s unable to be avoided, but you’ve tried your hardest to. You’ve given every excuse in the book as to why Jaemin is looking at you that is not any romantic interest. In the beginning, when his long looks and passing glances began, you cast them into a single box. 

It was a box of him being intimidated by how much attention you’ve gotten since he left and him thinking you weren’t talented enough to be given that attention.

Shortly after, the box was relabeled. It became more of a blossoming acquaintanceship. You categorized the looks to him deciding if he liked you or not.

The gazes are still in those boxes despite Jisung, Chenle, and anyone else who spends more than ten minutes with you or Jaemin telling you they’re endearing. 

Now, Jaemin studies your every move. He stifles the unplaced jealousy in his chest as another dancer leads you in a duet. You follow along, learning the actions on the fly as the other man has his hundredth practice. Even though the other dancer has learned and shaped the dance over a month and a half, you stomp all over his performance. Your moves are half-a-second behind his, but your performance is closer to perfect than his will ever be. You could dance circles around him and the choreography, but Jaemin doesn’t mention it quite yet.

The man’s hands brush along your back, and he touches your face gently. Jaemin’s nostrils flare. The look of appreciation and wonder he was given to you turn to glares and hate at the other dancer. The dance ends, and you roll your eyes at yourself. 

You pull at your hair, immediately stepping away from the other dancer. Jaemin’s heart swells at the disinterest, wondering if you would be so willing to move away from him if he was there with you. You walk over to the teacher and ask her to repeat the song, not feeling happy with your first dance of a song you’ve never learned. She shakes her head, and your shoulders fall forward. Jaemin can hear her telling you that you did great for just learning the dance, but you don’t believe her much. You find a seat next to your friends with a frown.

Before, Jaemin’s gaze could be considered merely concentrating on the dance. But now it’s obvious he’s only been viewing you. He watches the frown on your face and how you chew your lip. He can see the talking of everyone around you enter and leave your head in less than a second. The next duet steps up to center-stage. The music begins, and though it’s not at all similar to your song, you begin to practice the moves. Your movements are small, just marking the movements, but your eyes are pointed. You are wholly concentrated on remembering the moves for the next time you get in front of everyone.

Jaemin watches your eyes dart around the room. You try to make sure you’re not interrupting or distracting anyone, but that worry causes eye contact with Jaemin. He smiles and raises his eyebrow at you, lighting up even further when your hands halt and fall and your eyes go wide. Your face begins to flush, and you suddenly become very interested in the dance in front of you.

The practice ends shortly after. You start to rush out of the room but Jaemin sidelines you. He appears in front of you with a cocky smirk playing on his lips. Your breath hitches in your throat, and you smile at him. You begin to walk around him, and he steps to the side.

“Are you ignoring me?”

“No! No... no,.” You repeat the word, calmer each time. “I’ve been here for a while and want to get home.”

His left eyebrow lowers in a question. “Why don’t I believe that?”

You clear your throat and shrug your shoulders. Jaemin doesn’t quite understand or know where the small boost in confidence he gets comes from.

“You did well today,” He mentions. “It’s difficult performing a dance so soon after you learn it, and you were following along well.”

Your eyes are pointed at the ground. “Thanks. I need to practice it more.”

“Well,” He starts a sentence but cuts himself off with a hum. “Actually, never mind, you said you wanted to get out of here.”

Your curiosity gets the best of you. Your eyes slowly move up until you’re looking just to the right of Jaemin’s face. You don’t want to ask the question or share too much, but you breach the world. “What were you going to say?”

He sighs and shakes his head. “I was going to offer my help. You could practice some more, but if you want to get out of here, that’s fine.”

The beating in your chest quickens. A minute of silence and wide eyes pass before you finally speak again.

“I- I-” You breathe halfway out, the rest of it getting caught in your throat. “I can stay a little while. Do you remember any of the dance?”

You didn’t know he could get any more confident, but he does. He stands taller and nods his head. “I have a pretty good memory.”

The room is cleared out quickly. He drops his bag at the edge of the room and walks over to the speakers. You stand by the door, waiting for direction.

Jaemin hums as he moves around the room. “You seemed like you really wanted to go home.”

You don’t say anything back to him, following his movements.

“It almost seems like you want to spend time with me.”

He knows he’s teasing you. Even though his back is turned to you, he can feel your face turning darker as he speaks.

He begins the music and gestures for you to join him in the center of the room. You start to dance with each other. You’re exceedingly hesitant as you move until Jaemin starts leading you around. You get swept up quickly. You find it difficult to take your eyes off of him as he dances around. Jaemin can feel you shiver as he brings his hand down your back. You clear your throat as the music ends. Jaemin asks you a question, but you can’t quite understand it, overwhelmed with the thoughts running through your head. He can see the wide eyes you give him. He disregards the question he asked and turns the song on again.

You pay a bit more attention this time around, putting more effort into it. The song ends, and Jaemin holds you in place longer than needed. You gulp and look up at him. You don’t move away either until another piece begins to play. You jump back and clear your throat, walking swiftly to the speakers. Jaemin chews on his cheek to hide the smile he wants to show and waits for you to come back to him.

You walk back to him as the song begins. Jaemin grabs your waist and pulls you in. He begins to dance, not taking his eyes off of you as he does the choreo. You try to maintain eye contact but soon can’t stand it and look away. He smiles brightly as he dances, feeling energetic even after a days worth of dance practices. The song ends. Jaemin doesn’t move away. You stay with your arms around his neck even after the song ends. Jaemin looks down at you. His eyes are warm. You watch him for a few seconds before the weight of it becomes too much.

You take one step away from him, letting your hands fall to your sides. The next song begins to play, but you don’t move to turn it off. Your face seems conflicted as you stand there. Jaemin just watches you like he always does.

You begin speaking after moments of silence. You open your mouth, then close it again. You look flustered, and Jaemin is surprised he can’t see any red on your cheeks.“I didn’t want to assume anything about you.”

“Okay?” He raises his eyebrow and waits for you to continue.

“I didn’t want to assume anything, so I hadn’t said anything or pursued anything or listened when Jisung or Chenle said to.” You realize you’re beginning to ramble and shake your head. “I didn’t want to assume anything about you. I tried to tell myself that you were only staring because you didn’t know if you actually liked me or not or for some other made-up reason that seemed stupid even to me. So, I don’t want to assume anything, but I want to ask if you were staring at me and act like this because you have feelings for me?”

Jaemin smirks slightly as you talk, trying to control the overconfident feeling blooming inside of him. You look up after you ask the question. Everything you’ve feared coming to light since Jaemin rejoined the dance team is laid out on the floor. And, yes, he’s smiling, and it’s one of the most beautiful things you’ve ever seen, but he isn’t saying anything, and your nerves are running wild. Your mind begins to backtrack and regret even the small amount of things you’ve said. Your heart is pounding in your chest. Your head is telling you to run away and change your name. The panicked look on your face becomes too much for Jaemin, and his smile turns sweet. It is more than adoring as he steps forward. 

“Jisung and Chenle have been telling me to do more than stare for a while now, and I’ve never pursued it.” He chews on his lip and leans down. “Now, I wish I would have said something sooner.”

The blush he’s grown to love appears on your face. You hope he can’t hear your heart beating, and, for once, you’re able to keep your eyes locked on his longer than a few seconds.

[omegawolverine]

Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

[lovestrucked-again]

Delirium IV

Summary: After being kidnapped and claimed by the notorious mafia leader, he offers you a 7 day period where you’ll be given the option after of staying or leaving. Until then, you’re stuck, whether you like it or not.

Pairing: Mafia leader X female reader Word count: 3k

Genre & Warning: HEAVY SMUT, fingering, Explicit content, mafia gang, possessive, toxic, yandere like personality, public scenes, humiliation, multiple orgasms, rough, orgasm denial, begging, orgasm control, use of safe systems, praise, teasing, use of sex objects, dildo, vagina balls and straps, BDSM: handcuffs, blindfolds, chains, nipple clamps, dildo sucking. pain kink? 

Please don’t read this if you’re uncomfortable. A very obvious statement but this series is purely fictional, it is unacceptable in real life and should not be taken lightly.

A/N: This is one of the heaviest and dirtiest and chains and clamps are involved and you know what, it is a breathy mess. Be warned.  Prev | Next

Day 2

The return trip home goes much faster, your skill of walking without needing to stop every so often increasing, learning how to avoid the sharp metal raking into your thighs. Even so, by the time you finally catch sight of the apartment building you had left from, the sun was settling low in the sky.

Taeyong walks with his hand still tightly intertwined with yours; making small talk with you about favourite movies, songs, anything really. There’s no way you can verbally respond though, your efforts and focus being on keeping your walls clenched around the silver balls still inserted deep into your vagina. You make it into the safety of the elevator when you finally let out a deep sigh, leaning against the walls in silence as Taeyong stands beside you, the smug expression still on his face. “You did well baby.”

You turn to look at him, sending him a vicious glare that clearly says shut up. “Thanks, but I would’ve been better if I didn't have this,” you point to your legs, quickly pulling your skirt up for him to see the outline of the straps buckled around your thighs, “stabbing at me every time I walk.”

“But wasn't it worth it?” he asks, taking your hand in his, “you came so hard around my fingers.”

The elevator lifts smoothly to the top floor, announcing its arrival with a short musical chime. He steps out, dragging you along with him. The key yielding to his door unlocks and as you step into the suite, he grabs you by your shoulders, throwing you roughly against the wall.

His mouth, hungry and eager, finds yours. His tongue pushes its way past your lips, demanding. His hand closes over your breast through the thin material of your shirt and you shudder, moan, and cling tighter to his body. He takes your wrists firmly in his hands, pinning them around over your head as his tongue forces itself deeper. You quiver against his hold, shuddering as you feel wetness trickling down your thigh.

When he finally breaks the kiss, you can feel your face was flush with need, your hips which were previously grinding against his being a major contributor – despite the pain of the sharp teeth digging into you. Taeyong smiles, pleased.

“You’re always so eager for me,” he purrs, stroking your cheek. “Turn around baby, face the wall.”

You hesitate and he tilts his head, waiting for you to follow through. You can feel your heart pounding in your chest, almost afraid it’s probably audible to the whole world by the way it thumps. You turn slowly, shifting your weight carefully to face the wall. You wait, listening to the shuffling sound of fabric; your arms scrunching the material of your short skirt.

“What are you doing?” You ask, the nerves eating at your stomach.

Something slides across your eyes, obscuring your vision and your hands fly to your face, feeling the velvety smooth blindfold over your head.

“Don’t touch.” He warns, slapping your hands away softly.

Taeyong turns you around again, and you feel his breath against your skin before his lips find yours. The kiss begins softly, gently and builds very slowly. The tension spreads through you as he presses harder into you, your tongue meeting his as you fight him for dominance. You feel the heat of his hands at your sides, the firmness of his body against yours; and the giddy rush passes over you as you contract around the balls still inserted in you, nearly coming undone against the wall.

His fingers slip under your shirt towards your back, easily unclipping your bra and sliding them to the floor. You moan again, louder this time and your fingers twine through his hair. Before long, your shirt has been removed and his fingers are at your thigh. You feel him crawl towards your skirt, which is tugged down almost immediately after.

You pause in the midst of your kiss, waiting for his careful teasing touch to appear on your skin. But there’s no movement.

“What’s wrong?” He hums, moving his lips back from yours.

“N-nothing.” You choke out.

His fingers suddenly lock in front of the strap you’re wearing and the cool air touches your throbbing hardened clit as his hand slides between your legs, undoing the buckles. When his finger lightly grazes over your clit you clench around the objects, holding onto the weight with all your might. He chuckles to himself as he watches your mouth form into a hard line, your teeth gritting against each other. He presses harsher on your clit and you cry out sharply, thrusting your hips hard against his hand as the balls fall out with a plop.

The warm heavy weight tumbles out of you with a wet squishing sound; your juices pouring out along with it. Taeyong’s waiting hand manages to catch the silver balls, soaking his fingers as the musical chimes roll in his palm.

“You’re absolutely drenched princess.” He brings the balls to his lip and pulls down the blindfold; only slightly – just enough for you to stare in shock as he gently slips one through and into his mouth. His eyes are boring into yours as he sucks wildly on the ball and you watch as it rolls from side to side in his cheek. When he’s done with it, the ball slips out of his mouth with a plop, his drool now covering the shiny item. “So sweet.”

The balls drop to the floor with a loud clang and you jump, surprised by the resonating sounds it goes as it hits the hard surface. Taeyong pulls the blind up so your vision disappears again.

His fingers find your sensitive spot, stroking against your clit, coaxing the longing within you and he laughs as you whimper. The sudden metal closing around your wrists makes you jump, squeaking in surprise. You look at him in panic, squirming as he keeps his arm on your shoulder to keep you still. “What are you going to do to me?” You ask, voice small. "We’re going to have some fun." He kneels on the floor, and hard metal closes around your ankles, just above your shoes. When he moves again, the heavy clanking sound of chains fills your ears.

“What’s that for?” you gulp, the buzz within you coming to life as you listen to the series of movements.

“You’ll see.”

Something tugs on your wrists, and you gasp when you’re abruptly pulled away from the wall.

He leads you by the cuffs around your wrist, the chains dragging behind your ankles as you move with the heavy weight resisting your steps. You walk with an exaggerated caution, blind, legs wide apart and footsteps very slow. With each step you can feel your heart pounding more wildly.

Taeyong’s hand goes to your back steading you as you step forward onto something soft. “Over here, step up a little.”  

You can hear the chains clink and your feet are guided into a stance. When you stumble and nearly fall, Taeyong reaches out to steady you, his hands finding your waist swiftly. By the time you recover, he’s secured the chains around your ankles, fixed to a point on each side of you.

“Taeyong I h-havent done this before.” You stutter out, your legs spread wide apart as you stand naked except for your shoes.

The clanking around your wrists stops, “Do you want me to take these off?”

You hesitate for a moment. While you were wildly excited for something different from your previous sex encounters with other partners, you were still nervous about exploring something new. As well as that, you realised that it had only been a few days since you met him yet you had learnt so many things about your body; how you could react to his touches. “I don't know,” You confess.

“It’s up to you baby,” he whispers, rubbing soothing circles onto your arm.

“I want to try,” you mumble, “but i-im a little scared.”

“Why don't we make a system; you know how traffic lights work right?” he chuckles.

“Yeah,” you reply.

“Say the colour when you need to.” You nod, feeling a little more relieved with the idea. He takes your hands and slides the cuff up, planting a soft kiss on your wrist before he chains them, lifting your arms over your head. You let out a whimper as the chains tighten, your body being stretched taut. You were being chained upright, standing spread-eagle, arms bound far overhead so you’re almost forced to stand on your tippy toes.

Your breathing becomes ragged as you wait for what comes next. With every breath, your breasts bob and sway. You jump when Taeyong’s hands suddenly come from behind, caressing your body, roaming over the curves of your breasts.

“Your nipples are so hard princess; you must like this.” He whispers into your ear.

The hair on your neck stands as you fumble out for a reply, “I-”

“It’s okay, I know what you like.”

You squeeze your eyes shut despite the darkness already as you feel something bite down hard on your nipples. Tight clamps grip around you and you jerk your body against the chains instantly, screaming.

You feel the painful tugging, realising that Taeyong had to be attaching a chain or cord to the clamps. The sound of the chain rattling comes first before the clamps tighten and pull your nipples, dragging your breasts up towards the ceiling as you yelp and rise to your tippy toes in an attempt to ease the pain.

“I know you wanted it hard.” He murmurs, pausing for a moment, bringing his lips to your earlobe, swiping it with his tongue as he pulls on the chain dragging at your nipples.

Something large and thick shoves itself deep into your sex and you shriek at the sudden intrusion as it goes further and further into you, until it bottoms out within you. You can hardly breathe, your mouth gasping for air as you fight against the sensations roaming throughout your body. You attempt to move your hips but the dildo remains within you, forcing your hips still. You struggle against the chains, unable to raise yourself or move.

With each breath, the tiny rocking in your body makes your breasts bob and sway in small motions, forcing the clamps to close harsher on your nipples. The dildo impaling you forces you to stand on your tippy toes and you’re afraid to lower yourself any lower – fearing you’d send it too deep into yourself.

You shake at the manacles digging into your wrist before Taeyong finally removes the blindfold; your vision coming back in a blurry haze. Your eyes fly straight to the intruding object, noticing it’s connected to a platform directly below your entrance and you blink a couple of times, making sure it’s real and not your mind playing with you.

The next thing that comes into sight is Taeyong standing directly in front of your chained up body. The sunlight from behind him shining straight through the window and glowing on to your skin. His features are soft and his dark brown eyes stare back at you, a grin plastered on his face.

“Is that better?” He asks. You want to nod and reply but your attention is drawn to the view behind him.

“I-Is that a clear window?” You stutter out, noticing the perfect vision you had of the city streets in the floor to ceiling picture window. The illumination of the sun was fading, turning into a dusty hue, but the city street spread out below was still crowded with people.

“Why?”

“What if somebody looks up?”

“Then they’ll be blessed with the sight of a beautiful woman chained in the window fucking herself,” he states, turning around to look below.

You hang there for a few minutes, fighting not to move, controlling your deep breaths as you panic. The people on the streets seem so far and you can’t make out any facial features from the distance when they turn; you can only hope the distance was far enough to be unnoticed. Don’t look up, don’t look up, don’t look up.

The muscles in your legs begin to quiver from the strain of trying to keep yourself up on your tiptoes and you panic, feeling your walls widen as the dildo slides deeper into you.

“Relax baby, it’s okay.” Taeyong coos, watching as it circles into you slowly.

You cry out in pain as you feel yourself give out, using the little remaining strength you have left to lower yourself as gently as you can, settling onto the dildo. The cord attached to the clamps of your nipples tightens as your body falls – dragging your breasts upwards. Your full weight lands onto the dildo quickly and you jump back quickly with an unbearable bruising pain, lifting yourself onto your tiptoes after gaining a moment of breath.

Not long after, your strength dies again, much quicker than before. Your muscles fail and you lower yourself again onto the length. You let out a few heavy breaths, rocking your hips to move yourself from pressing into the same place again before the pain becomes too much and you rise onto your tiptoes again, crying.

Taeyong watches in awe, his own hand flying down his pants as he strokes himself in front of you. The sounds in the empty apartment only come from you; your moans and quiet sobs, the rattling of the chains and combine with the slurping sounds of your pussy as the dildo exits.

The third time your legs give out, you find that you’ve lost your strength to rise any more. You shift and move, rocking your hips back and forth afraid to stay still and let the pain sink in. The agonising pain changes as the dildo slowly dissipates and your pussy begins to crave more than just the plastic rubber.

“That’s it,” his voice whispers, “Fuck it well.”

White cream trickles down your leg, dripping onto the floor beneath you. Your desperate cries of pain eventually soften and the pain turns to pleasure.

“That’s it princess, keep going. Give it to yourself.”

Your motions grow frantic as you move; your hands bonded above your head, body stretched tight, nipples screaming in pain and a familiar tension building inside of you. But the dildo stretches too far deep into you and you scream louder than before, tears slipping out of your eyes as you squeeze them shut.

“Taeyong I can’t, red stop,” you cry out urgently. You feel his hands against your waist before you’re able to see him. He holds your weight up, lowering the rod holding the dildo and you relax. Your walls finally left empty and gnawing as you breathe heavily for air.

“You okay?”

“Yeah – I just need a second.” You whisper, your head rolling forward as you hang still.

Taeyong watches as you weaken in his hold, his own heart panging with ache as he hears your gasping. “That’s enough for today.” He murmurs.

You jerk your head back up, “NO!” you cry out; ignoring the nipple clamps tightening around you from the sudden movement. “I can keep going.” You mumble, desperate for the orgasm that was so close to being released.

Taeyong doesn't ask again, dropping your body as you fall flat footed against the platform and your nipples are pulled even worse than before. He ignores your screams as he readjusts the rod and places the dildo back at your entrance.

Having already prepared yourself for the intrusion, you go much more contently onto the dildo, jerking your thighs violently, grinding yourself harshly onto the thing side of you, hurting yourself, as you moan. You avoid his gaze, turning to stare at the heedless flow of people beneath the window instead.

Then without warning, it becomes too much. A wave of pleasure, ferocious in its intensity roars over you, taking you completely by surprise. You come hard, fast, thrashing against the chains as you scream in ecstasy. You contract around the dildo, each contraction lasting in an explosion of pleasurable pain as your orgasm continues on and on.

When it finally dies, you hang limply from the chains, twitching and moaning. Taeyong removes the rod supporting the dildo, letting it slide out with a plop from your abused and aching pussy, smearing your juices along his hand. He reaches around you and unclamps your nipples.

Fire blooms as the sudden rush of blood comes back and you whimper at the new pain. He releases the metal rod from the base and picks up the hard rubber dildo alone. He brings the head towards your lips and without conscious thought, your mouth opens as he shoves it deep against the back of your throat.

Aftershocks from your orgasm ripple through your body with each thrust into your mouth. The dripping cum covered dildo automatically placed far away into your mind as you moan around it. He presses harder and it slides without resistance down your throat, until its base reaches your lip.

Your mind returns slowly to your body. Then in a rush, you were suddenly aware of your physical self, of the steady ache between your legs, the burning pain in your nipples, the thick rubber penis in your throat. It’s not until you finally need to breathe that you start screaming around the gagged intrusion, struggling against your bonds. Taeyong pulls it from your mouth as you cough, gasping for air.

Working quickly, Taeyong unfastens the chains from the bindings around your ankles, and then the same for the manacles around your wrists. Your body sags into his arms, unable to muster the strength of standing.

“You did so well baby.” He coos, supporting your weight and helping you to off the platform. As you blink heavily in his arms, you look back out the window, noticing a crowd of heads closely clustered and facing your direction. You can already see their disgusted faces as they murmur amongst themselves, the sea of hostile faces some curious, some downright hungry, all looking at you.

Your face glows red as you bury your face deeper into Taeyong’s chest, the people’s fingers pointing straight at you.

[everafterkeiji]

Song: This Love by Camila Cabello

Summary: Love has so many definitions yet Oikawa never gave you the right ones.

Pairings: Tooru Oikawa x gn!reader

Word count: 4.5k

Tags,Genre: toxic relationships, angst, dozens of cuss words, manipulation

A/N: i promise i love oikawa- pls reblog & comment if u enjoyed!

Was it one of those nights again? The nights where everything is crumbling apart and you're holding onto someone who is broken as well.

Still, you find yourselves testing what it means to be in love.

"I can't keep watching you destroy yourself, Tooru!" You shout as he stands up from the bed then standing in front of you, his power towering over you.

"I'm doing completely fine, Y/N! What part of that don't you understand?!" He shouts back, with a tone stronger and louder one fighting yours.

I'm tired of meeting in the middle.

"Tooru- I support you but if I have to see you fucking lose yourself over a game then I can't handle it anymore!" He lets out a bitter laugh, backing away from you to stare you down. Each part of your body was trembling and his did the same. His body was drained from exhaustion and yours reeked of pain.

"Support me? Then fucking stop already! You said you'd always be there for me and now you're switching shit up?" He says, the drug in your veins fading while your hand trembles at the peak of his voice.

"I stuck to my promise Oikawa! What about you? Didn't you promise you'd always make time for me?" You asked- a slight crack in your voice remembering how tender he used to say these pretty promises.

"Well isn't that just so fucking selfish of you to assume I could make that happen."

He turns his back to you while your jaw was down to the floor, your eyes wide with tears streaming down every second and a heart snapped in half.

"You don't get to call me selfish when I was never a priority to you in the first place!"

Oikawa hesitates to look at you.

He knows what he'll see. A sight of you he's seen multiple times yet it always punches him in the gut with how he's aware that it was because of him.

How many broken pieces of your heart did you have to walk on for you to admit that he never puts you first?

If it was a battle on whose selfish, the king knows he's at the top.

"What the fuck? I tried Y/N! I'm always coming to your fucking rescue and it makes me hate the way you need me." He pities himself. He knew how low it was for him to say, your emotions are always valid to him- he treasures them because you hid them from him when you met, how hard it was to be open to these emotions with one person.

He was that person that you regretted ever being vulnerable to knowing he turns them like knives, striking you in each body part.

"Do you know how many times I had to ask myself if I needed you? God- you were so busy all the time I had to push away my own feelings for you, Tooru!" Your knees felt weak when you remembered how many times you've broken down without a shoulder to lean on. He should've been there- a call away whenever your tears came to you but knowing how he'd never let the game go, you threw away your sorrows to make sure his smile stays on.

"If you needed space, then just walk away!" He shouts, he runs a hand through his locks as he takes a seat back onto the mattress.

I did and each mile I went, I returned to you.

"Go on then- cause it's obvious we need it both!" You closed your eyes as you gripped the strap or your bag, ready to turn your heel on him.

But the flow of love in your veins insisted you to stay, to fix the relationship that was never complete.

"Tooru." You called out for him, desperate to touch him and forget everything.

But he pulls away.

"Just go, Y/N." He whispers, finally the soreness of his throat was growing on him. He still couldn't dare to look at you, he knows that his eyes would give away that he wasn't man that you wished him to be.

For the first time, loving him wasn't something you could endure anymore.

-

The next day comes in and Mattsukawa finds you in the corner of the empty classroom, with your sobs resonating in his ears.

"Y/N?" He calls out for you while he immediately rushes to your side, gripping both your arms, fearful that something happened to you on your way to school.

"I-Issei- hi." You stuttered in finding a way to replace the sadness in your voice.

"Did something happen? It's just me, Y/N." He says softly, caressing your arm as you wipe your tears with the sleeve of your uniform.

Oikawa wasn't there to walk with you in the morning.

What makes it better is that you couldn't sleep last night.

Now, you were scared. When somebody finally shows you concern, you want to cower away thinking that it'd be a waste of their time.

Selfish, is the first word that comes into your head.

"Nothing happened. I didn't get any sleep last night- I'm just really stressed out I'm so sorry." You said looking down, while Mattsukawa sighs sadly, taking you in his arms and patting your head.

"That's fine, Y/N. I can always help you with your studies if you really can't do them anymore."

What help is there for a heart covered in thorns?

"Thanks, Issei." You whispered while he pulls away from the hug, to rest his hand on your shoulder.

How easy it was to mask your feelings.

"It's nothing, I'll walk you to class." You nodded as he protectively walks in front of you knowing no one would want people to see how they broke down.

Oikawa sees you and Mattsukawa as he walks with Iwaizumi. He notices the way your orbs looked lifeless with heavy bags underneath, the paleness of your lips and how you constantly look down.

He's in it for it again.

"Did you two fight?" Iwaizumi asks, Oikawas eyes met with yours and you look away instinctively while he feels a sting to his heart because your eyes held fear.

Iwaizumi let's out a sigh, the silence was enough to give him an answer. Hanamaki meets with you and Mattsukawa while Oikawa wondered if he should even approach you.

He's reached the line of boundaries where everything was just filled with pain. Exhaustion never mixes well with insecurities. A hard working person like him makes unchangeable decisions, like last night and maybe several weeks before that.

There was just a massive difference between his love for volleyball and his love for you.

But the amount that he gives to volleyball, should be the same amount that he gives to you.

This is what he struggles with the most.

How can he juggle all the things he love to meet at one point? He can't just expect you to be on the court while his passion drives the ball, and he can't have the ball in his hands when you're in class with him.

It's possible to meet in the middle, but he chooses not to.

As classes went on, the gap between you and Oikawa grows bigger. During lunch, where were you? With Hanamaki and Mattsukawa. Even a glance from him would hurt you and now he can see a clear view of how perfection turned into wreckage.

By the time, practice was about to start he jogs up to you in hopes of talking things out, even a way to just get a response from you.

It was completely unfair. He'd call you so many names without reason while you fought and never even named him a single ugly thing. It's all his fault. For being up in the gym too late, for loosing his appetite and his energy to the point where he drowned you in his challenges.

"Y/N hey-"

"I'm gonna go, Oikawa." You cut him off before he can even say anything else. He feels his the way his breath gets caught in his throat. You didn't even spare another second before turning your back on him with the intention of walking away.

His eyes widen before grabbing your arm softly as he tries to pull you to his embrace you stood your weight to the floor.

"Y/N- c'mon love.. talk to me." He whispers, his hand shaking as it held onto you. You tried to rip him off but instead he surrounds his arms around you, his head leaning on your shoulder, tears forming as he feels the cold atmosphere of your body.

"I can't keep waiting for the time where loving you doesn't hurt me, Tooru." You said quietly while he harshly closes his eyes and holds onto you even more.

"I'm so sorry- I promise I'll be here and you don't even need to question yourself- I- just come back to me..please." He pleaded, desperation in his voice while his tears streamed down on your clothes. You too looked away as a pool of your own tears were resurfacing.

"Tooru-"

"I'll be better- no I'll be the best for you. Everything Y/N- you're not selfish, never- I'm so fucking sorry." He digs his head into your neck even more while you tried your best to not let out a sob.

"You promise?" It was so little, like you didn't even want to say it because your expectations of love never met with reality. Sadly, Oikawa heard it yet there was a second where he hesitates and you took notice of that. How tiny of a detail makes you hold back on everything you wanted to say.

He removes his arms from behind you while he stands in front of you, now opposite to the power he had last night. It seems like it was your turn to have him this intimidated by the tension.

He takes your hands, caressing them, then holding them up to his face as he places sweet kisses on them. Some of his tears fell on your hand and he let them stay, while you hated how it was a genuine sign that he could be honest.

"I do, Y/N." You stared at him while he begs with his eyes. A single tear escapes your eye as it cascades down your cheek and wipes it away with his finger leaving traces on it.

You give him a nod and this sets his heart on fire.

His lips tug into a sad smile while he gently meets his forehead with yours, closing his eyes. He was more than thankful for another chance.

"I love you." He says, still with eyes closed, only focused on the beat of his heart syncing with yours.

Once again, the drug of love leaves a reaction in your body.

"I love you too."

-

Then the next few days, there was an ounce of hope.

Oikawa's nights were full of sleepless hours and what makes him stay awake is you, or at least how broken you were.

He couldn't help but imagine how you were in deep helplessness and you couldn't even gather the courage to call him because you thought he was more important than your own emotions. He imagines how you'd rather push your screams onto the pillow instead of voicing them out or even how you chose to smile for him after heavy hours of being accompanied by stress and insecurity.

It haunts him how he called you selfish, how he made you think that it was your fault for even being his- supporting him even. He needed you- he did but this thought is always surpassed by the fact that he always wanted to be number 1, to beat his own demons and the ever mocking Shiratorizawa.

He couldn't even remember where he took off practice to stay with you. He often visits your room to rest for a while but he barely gets to do that nowadays. During the mornings was his opportunity to give you a fraction of his time but something so simple he still forgets.

So, he makes up for it.

Even with the help of Iwaizumi, Oikawa goes home by 6pm so he spends the night with you even if it's for a few hours only. If he was going to prove himself to you, he'd do with a 100% of his body.

He was on the brim of losing you and he wasn't going to let himself be the reason for you to walk out of his life.

"What's wrong?" You asked as he laid in your lap, stroking his hair.

"I'm just happy that's all." You leaned your head on the pillow as he takes your hand, intertwining it with his kissing it once again.

There it was, the bad kind of butterflies that swarmed around you.

You wished you didn't forgive him that fast, it was nearly a day when you forgave him. The space that he mentioned basically meant nothing as he also gave in to it. He struck a nerve that day yet you went and took his apology like you've begged for it.

You did wanted to avoid him at all costs because there was never a moment where his insults didn't replay in your mind. You needed for him to realize that he had caused another split to your heart, what you didn't expect is for it to happen within hours.

You thought that Oikawa would've argued with his ego before he could talk it out but it happened so instantly that it didn't give you enough time to rethink your decision of forgiving him.

Oikawa held onto his ego but he had to remember his heart or else he would've dropped yours instead.

"It's getting late, Tooru. You should go." You said sighing before planting a kiss on his forehead. He smiles before sitting up and embracing you tight like you could slip any moment now. You had your arms wrapped around him as his slow breaths rested on your neck.

"I love you, Y/N." He says, holding on to you longer.

"You need to go Tooru-"

"Why don't we go on a date on Friday?" He asks pulling away from you. You raised an eyebrow at him as he chuckles.

"I need to spend more time with you." That's when it was your turn to smile, it felt so good to lift the heavy feeling off your chest, seeing that he's genuinely trying to be the best for you.

Your hand reaches for his cheek, your heart swelling with joy as you look at him while he leans in to your touch.

"I'd love that." He grins as he pampers your face with kisses at how excited he was to see the smile on your lips return. You let out fits of giggles as he continues to cover your faces with delicate pecks.

"Tooru- baby!" You shout as he laughs before placing both hands on either side of your face.

"Good night love, hopefully you don't dream of me this time?" He teases making you roll your eyes as you sneakily land a peck on his lips.

"That isn't too bad." You said chuckling as he kisses your lips while you smiled before allowing your lips to move with his. You pull away, flicking his forehead with your finger.

"Go." You said laughing, he gives you a pout before sighing and taking his bag from the floor.

"I'll see you on Friday then?"

"You'll see me tomorrow, Tooru."

"That's even better." He leaves with a smile on his face while what remains on yours were heated cheeks.

It was good to feel how love flowed in your bloodstream again, it wasn't bad to take in some of it's harshness from time to time.

-

"Really? Oikawa hasn't brought that up." You pout as Iwaizumi shrugs beside you, it was Friday and your boyfriend decided to miss it for some odd reason.

Iwaizumi brought up the topic of an upcoming match and that Oikawa saw an article of how Ushijima takes the crowd by storm again. He's never mentioned it to you but you did notice how he'd walk you home and instead of staying, he'd leave for some specific reasons.

"Anyway, will you be there?" Hanamaki asks, biting into his apple. You nodded of course. You couldn't miss the opportunity to see him outwit the opposite team again.

"I just hope he doesn't go crazy with training again, Wakatoshi taunts him even through a photo. I don't wanna see him- forget about his health." You wanted to say how you wanted to avoid arguments but the boys seem to agree to what you said knowing Oikawa oversteps his strength all the time.

"I'll watch over him." Iwaizumi says looking at you while you smile at him, grateful that if you weren't always there- it was Iwaizumi that you can count on.

"Thanks, Haji."

"Are you not worried about my health, Y/N?" Hanamaki says pouting making you laugh while Mattsukawa flicks his forehead with a straw.

After classes, home was calling your name for you to get ready on your date. There was the familiar feeling that kicks in, how you got excited when his name on your phone lights up the dark room, or when you see his jacket on your bed- it was back. The love bug has returned, how the first bite felt like love was overwhelming but you wanted to handle it.

God, you felt so silly- acting like one of his fan girls who got noticed by him. You were lucky enough to even obtain the title of being his so of course your heart nearly leaped out of your chest when he admitted his feelings to you. Though, it felt good. After the whole argument, you were scared if that feeling can ever come back now that it did- you were more than relieved.

-

The clock goes on as you wait for him to arrive.

Sure, it had been a good 20 minutes that passed but you were assuming that there'd be a meeting since there was a match coming up so you let your patience take over for a while.

But 20 minutes grew into an hour, and an hour turned into 2 more.

You couldn't even cry because you knew, it was too good to be true. Storming out your house changing out of the outfit you initially planned, you chose to dress into something more comfortable knowing it wasn't going to happen anyway.

You knew where to go.

As your feet lead you to the Seijoh gym, your heart was growing darker with each step.

Hearing the sound of volleyballs impacting on the floor, you already knew.

"Oikawa! Go home!" Iwaizumi shouts while the stubborn setter shakes his head, spiking another ball, out of breath as he do so.

You heard Iwaizumi loud and clear, that was enough for you to run back home, to never face his lies again.

Maybe you were a fool for lovebugs- but the bite wasn't to make you fall in love.

It was for you to stop.

"Go home, Oikawa. C'mon." Mattsukawa says sighing while the first years were already bidding them goodbye. Iwaizumi waves them off and tells them to rest well while Oikawa was still spiking to no end.

"I can't- I need to beat them." He says panting while the other third years share a look, remembering your words.

"What about Y/N?" Iwaizumi asks and it seems like this doesn't hit Oikawa like it's supposed to.

"Yeah, isn't it Friday? Aren't you guys supposed to be on a date?" The moment it leaves Hanamakis mouth, Oikawa stops. Iwaizumi sighs in annoyance when he sees the way his best friends expression drop with shock.

"You forgot didn't you?" Mattsukawa asks and suddenly he's brought back to the moment where he found you crying, now realizing that it was to put up the fact that Oikawa was the only reason.

Suddenly, the silence of the gym surrounded him like a tight space while his mind went at war for his mistake.

"Fuck! I- I have to go." Oikawa stutters as he immediately grabs his bag but before he leaves, he sees how disappointed his teammates looked at him. He looks away as he runs to cut the distance between you and him.

"This isn't going to be good for the both of them." Iwaizumi says sighing before picking up a few stray balls. The other two agree sadly but they hope that you two would be able to withstand the issue.

But Mattsukawa feels like you were at the tip of the cliff already.

After a few minutes, dozens of knocks awoke you from your corner as you knew who was at the other end.

"Y/N? Let me in please.." He begs through the door as you felt the tears continue to drip down your cheeks. You closed your eyes as Oikawa leans his head on the door, praying you'd open it.

And you did.

Your heart was numb, your eyes were giving out but watching him stand there made you feel alive, because you knew this was the last time you'll ever let the drug of love fool you again.

"Y/N- I'm so sorry I just we had a project and-"

"I didn't think you'd still lie to me." You said with a dry voice as his heart was pinned by your words.

"I didn't even know there'd be a match." You added, chuckling bitterly as Oikawa bites his lip looking down. You let out another laugh, the red hue of love was fading in your system turning into a deeper shade of how you've let the toxicity slip from your notice.

"I'm so fucking sorry-"

"Tell me then, can beating Ushijima bring you everything you've ever wanted?"

He was quiet. You put him in a spot where he shows too much hesitation that you wished you didn't even ask in the first place.

"And if you won, I guess that's when you can realize to put your health first." You continued stepping forward as his eyes looked at your exhausted ones.

You surprised him by tugging onto his shirt, gripping it with every might left in your body. You held him because there was nothing else for you to hold onto.

You tried to grab the last thread of love strapped in your body but it seems to have been cut when you saw him at the gym.

He didn't know if he could hold you because this a whole other side of you he prays to never see again. He just wanted the warmth of your skin on him but why was it that you felt the coldest to him?

"So please tell me, what do I have to do for you to stop choosing me?"

You said this with every timbre of your voice trembling as you land a firm punch to his chest then turning your back to him, letting out a sob.

"I understand, Tooru. God- I always have and it fucking sucks that I know I can't do anything about it." Oikawa looks at you, adrenaline rushing to his heart when it sinks in.

"I can't choose, Y/N. You're making this hard for me because I love both." His voice cracks at the idea of choosing between you and a sport he's loved since he was a kid. His dreams that he wants nothing more then to happen, while he visualizes a possible future with you.

"I've always known what you'd choose, I just wish I fucking knew when I needed to stop believing that it could be me." You were defeated and naïve, you should've known that it would bring you to this conversation over and over again. You tilt your head, harshly gasping for air as you sniffle, the heaviness of your eyes taunting you to sleep the pain away in hopes it'd be a dream instead.

"Y/N stop fucking saying that- you're acting like I didn't try and give you everything that I could!" He yells, his own eyes brimming up tears. You were surprised to hear this but seeing how his cheeks and ears were painted red, you knew that he's been trying to release all the things he wanted to say.

"And I did the same yet you always turn it on me, Tooru! All I've been saying is that I just wanted you to make me feel like I could be at the top of your list- even for a second but I just keep getting played over and over again." You rambled on and what makes you crack under the pain was a scoff.

"You knew what game you were playing, why didn't you stop?" He didn't attempt to stare at you since his question felt like it was mocking you.

You should've left. The moment where the crowd cheers for him while your shouts became the weakest, you should've known.

Oikawa did too.

He thought you would've gone and walked away when you had the chance but what shocks him is that you stayed. There's a voice in his head that tells him that what you two had can never remain permanent but he held onto his beliefs that he could make you stay no matter how difficult the game was.

"Because I fucking love you too much Tooru! God if I could just- get it out of my fucking veins then maybe I could realize how I've gone into a trap instead." You shouted, walking towards him with both your eyes wishing for it to be over.

"What trap are you talking about Y/N! I love you just as much as you did and I tried to make things work but it- isn't working anymore." His voice fades with his ending sentence while you've gone to a corner, sobbing and sliding off the wall, sitting on the floor as every ounce of love dies on you when you hear him.

"I don't know- it's a word that I can never know what it means- I can admit that it is scary." You said looking at the night sky, with your knees to your chest as Oikawa smiles fondly at your words.

"What's so scary about falling in love?"

You look at him before answering.

"Everything."

"Maybe I can show you that it can be beautiful." He says, staring into your orbs. You smiled at his words before resting your hand on top of his while he blushes before intertwining them.

"What if it hurts?" You ask him, adjusting your position as you listened to his convincing words.

"Love always hurts." He says sadly, chuckling in order to ease how bitter it was. He sees how your reaction didn't falter because you knew it was true, so with his hand lifting your chin to meet his eyes, he speaks.

"But that doesn't mean I can't take some of the pain away."

You felt Oikawas presence beside you as he leans his head on your shoulder closing his eyes as two people were tired of ripping each others heart.

"Maybe you should set me free." You whispered, your voice gave out, like your last words. Oikawa sucks in a harsh breath as you close your own eyes and he sees the final tear fall from your cheek.

"But I really don't want to."

[riversofmars]

Here's a prompt I hope you'll do. River finds the TARDIS in Sheffield empty and decides to hang around deep inside when the Doctor and the fam (or just Yaz) get back to go on a trip without knowing River is there.

Thank you for two brilliant prompts! Fair warning, I don’t think this will be what either one of you expected lol. But I hope you’ll like it anyway! I've been agonising over this for quite a while. I was getting a bit fed up with myself cause I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot in my writing at the moment, so I wanted to try something different. With both of these prompts referring to the TARDIS, I decided to try and write it from the TARDIS��s POV! It was a lot of fun and made a nice change, I just hope you like it!

Rating: G

Word Count: 2700

Read on AO3 or below

Timeless Children 

I know she’s on her way, long before she knocks on my door. I always know. I remember it fondly and I look forward to it, as she chuckles:

“Well, hello Sweetie!“

To be perfectly honest, the point of speech still eludes me, it makes very little sense as a concept. Words seem so confining: How is a sentient entity that exists outside of linear time meant to retell a moment that has happened, is happening, and will happen in words that a human mind will understand? It’s a silly notion. And yet there are words that are so much bigger than the sum of their letters. Hello Sweetie. Those words ripple through our time lines like a tidal wave and are far more than a greeting.

Here is River Song, knocking, awaiting a response from my Thief who is being very inconsiderate for being out. But I suppose they didn’t know she would be dropping by - unlike me. Thankfully, she has a key. Mind you, I would have let her in as well but she’s always been impatient. Like the river of time, always moving, far more fitting than a stationary pond. There we go again with words and their meanings.

“This makes a change…“ She smiles and I hum as she steps inside. It’s the best greeting I can manage in their reality but I cast my mind out to her and she understands. She always does, just like my Thief. She’s looking around and I agree, I like the golden light too, it’s warm and welcoming and plays nicely in her golden curls. “Hello Old Girl.“ She comes up to the console and presses her hand to it. Funny this obsession linear beings have for touch, as if our minds touching wasn’t intimate enough a gesture, but I’ll indulge it.

“Looking good in your old age. This is the oldest I’ve ever seen you.“ She carries on and what a funny concept indeed to comprehend when everything is happening, has happened, will happen all at once.

“Has he changed again, too?“ River draws a logical conclusion, naturally. She is a clever one and that’s why they’re so well matched: my Thief and my Child. So I hum proudly, though I’m not sure my sentiment comes across. “Well, this should be interesting.“ She smirks and makes her way further into my corridors. She’s probably looking for her spouse and unlike me is unaware they’re about to return. I’d tell her but she will realise soon enough.

Here they are now, banging the door shut a bit too firmly for my liking but it’s the sound that draws River back.

“Where shall we go?“ My dear Thief is lacking so much of their natural enthusiasm at this point in their timeline but they hide it well. I doubt Yaz even notices, they rarely do, the ways and strays. But The Doctor’s sadness, their turmoils echoes through my mind in the same way as River’s surprise does when she spots her spouse from the doorway.

Both their feelings resonate through me more than either of them will ever realise. I can always hear and feel them, no matter where and when they are. In return, I will have to content myself with the implicit understanding we share, the bits and pieces they manage to pick up with their linear, yet beautiful minds. I guess this is what made my kind band together with the Time Lords in the first place. They do better than most, with their pretty minds and sensitivity to time. And my Thief and their wife are special indeed.

“You decide. You’ve been locked up for nineteen years, there must be somewhere you’ve been wanting to go.“ It’s the human girl again and the Doctor smiles a very fake smile.

This bit is really not very interesting at all. I’m far more concerned with what my Thief is thinking rather than saying. I’m still extremely mad with them for that they did. There is no need for philosophical debate whether my sister had to die to defeat the squids in their metal homes, or not. It always has and always will happen but that doesn’t make it right. Stupid, selfish, impulsive, inconsiderate, desperate, bitter, cold, lost… Again, so many words and none good enough to truly describe what the Doctor did or how they’re feeling now.

At least River is here now, I’m glad she came. Her love for my Thief is a welcome reprieve from their gloominess. And I enjoy her delight for seeing their new face as she’s watching from the doorway, still unnoticed. Their emotions are so conflicting. My Thief is feeling so broken up over her recent experiences and my Child is feeling so whole for seeing her love again. She’s hanging back still, curious to find out what they’re like now. It’s often more informative than asking straight out. The Doctor rarely truly talks to anyone. They never share their sorrow. Linear, solid beings are funny like that. All that memory space and they use it to bottle up their emotions. They’ll need a little kick as usual and that’s where I come in.

“Doctor, what’s happening?“ I think I scared Yaz a little by just taking off but needs must.

“I don’t know, I didn’t…“ Come on my beloved Thief, by now you should know the difference between going where you want to go and where you need to be. “It’s the TARDIS, she’s going this. What are you playing at?“ She scolds around the room as if I could be swayed by a little temper tantrum.

“You still don’t know how to fly her, do you.“ I knew River wouldn’t be able to resist. I do enjoy watching them bicker.

“What? How?!“ The Doctor whips around and their emotions nearly knock me off course. There is just so much of it. These corporal beings really are so much bigger on the inside when it comes to that. Surprise. Joy. Confusion. Hope. Fear. Longing. That silly need to restrain their reaction so they wouldn’t get carried away… And the amusement, playfulness from River which only covers that deep insecurity she always feels when seeing my Thief again. I wish they would just tell her of the depth of their emotions instead of hiding it away. So many misunderstandings could be avoided if they both just shared everything, they would finally fully understand the depth of their feelings for each other, the way I understand them. But the Doctor is always scared of giving too much, knowing that their time together is limited. And River doesn’t want to hold them back, assuming she is just a tiny speck of dust in their extraordinary life, so she keeps her distance so it wouldn’t hurt so much… They’re both so wrong.

“How many regenerations is this now? And you still haven’t found the time to glance at the manual.“ Ah yes, teasing. The bedrock of their relationship and River’s way of going on the offensive, dictate the conversation. She likes to be in control of it. Ever since the Silence took her, she doesn’t like to be at the mercy of others. She probably doesn't even realise she’s doing it but I guess I just understand, sometimes I understand either one of them better than they understand themselves. To be fair, I have the advantage of having peeked at the end. And the beginning. And everything in between.

“I have been travelling in this TARDIS for thousands of years, I don’t have to…“ They get so offended when someone insults their driving. Sometimes I do it on purpose just to wind them up.

“Does she still leave the brakes on?“ River smirks at the human who just doesn’t understand. Not that she would have a clue as to how to fly me, but she also doesn’t have a clue as to who she’s dealing with.

“The brakes?“ Yaz echoes.

“And still you don’t use the stabilisers.“ Yes, quite right my darling Child and thank you, the Doctor never does. It feels a lot better when she flicks the right switch on the console.

“Who are you?“ Yaz is looking around for an explanation and my Thief is too wrapped up in her own thoughts to answer. Her fears and worries are painful.

“Professor River Song.“ Again, with the touching. Solids and their hand shakes.

“River, how did you get in here?“ Finally my Thief finds their voice at last.

“Saw you parked up in Sheffield, how was I to know you weren’t home. I knocked.“ River points out quite rightly. Right place, right time. Let’s be honest, I had something to do with that.

“So you got in and hid?“ There is really no need for the Doctor to act all affronted when really, it’s their own fault for not being here and when it’s just a defence mechanism to deal with her emotions.

“I do have a key.“ Also, I would have let her in either way.

“Why does she have a key? Who is she.“ Oh Yaz, come on, it is pretty obvious by now. But that reminds me… It’s about time for something else but let’s try not to be too obvious… Some turbulence will do it. It knocks them about a bit but not too much. Enough for River to tease her spouse some more:

“What sort of a course did you set? We just went straight through a cloud of sigma particles.“ River is so much better with my controls. She is my Child after all and she listens, whereas my Thief very rarely does. They’re so stubborn like that.

“A what?“ Yaz asks.

“Like a speed bump in the time vortex.“ Yeah, sorry, that was me but let’s not tell that to my Thief.

“Do you know how to fly her?“ Yaz is in awe and who can blame her.

“Unlike someone over here. What are you doing down there, Sweetie.“ Now she notices them crouching over, about time, but thanks for looking after me first.

“Are you okay, Doctor?“ Yaz notices as well.

“What have you got there?“ River recognises it of course but it’s polite it ask.

“I… thought I’d lost this… when I regenerated last time, it slipped off my finger.“ The Doctor shows it to them. The ring. “It was too big and I thought it was gone… the TARDIS must have kept it safe…“

Well of course I did, silly Thief. Your wife would have killed you if you’d lost it and we can’t have that. Also, you joy for finding it is such a lovely break from the gloom.

“You thought you’d lost your wedding ring?“ There River goes acting all affronted when really, she’s so very happy to see it and so touched at how emotional my Thief is over finding it again.

“Wedding ring?“ I can’t blame Yaz for feeling out of the loop. The Doctor really isn’t forthcoming with information but I suppose it’s hard. I know how much they hurt whenever they’re reminded of their wifes loss. “You’re married?“

“I don’t know why I thought that was a good idea at the time…“ River teases to stop herself from revealing her real emotions. I wish solids didn’t insist on doing that all the time. It gets weary after a while. “Oh there we go with the breaks. See, it’s not meant to make that noise.“ Indeed, time to land.

“I love that noise.“ My Thief huffs getting to their feet.

“She doesn’t.“ River retorts. Admittedly, I do like it a little bit. Always nice to announce ones arrival. But it does wear my brake pads down.

“You talk just like the Doctor. Like the TARDIS is a person.“ Yaz points out and I guess she can’t be blamed for not understanding. She can’t sense me in the way the Doctor and River can.

“Person is a bit inaccurate. More like… entity. Sentient being. Person sounds so… limiting.“ River understands and I hum, if only for the joy of seeing Yaz jump a little at the obvious response.

“How do you know that.“ She’s probably intrigued to find out.

“Timelords have a certain sensitivity to it, it’s why they aligned themselves with each other, the Timelords and the TARDISes, they’re a race in their own right if you will.“ River is kind to explain. That’s the mark of her trade, the archeology professor.

“Are you also a Timelord?“ It’s a fair assumption. My Thief wouldn’t go around just marrying anyone. Unless of course you count all those accidental marriages… Elizabeth I, Cleopatra, Marilyn Monroe, I could go on but I’ll spare them the embarrassment.

“Something thereabouts.“ River waves it off, it’s too big a question to answer right now but it is important, now more than ever. We’ll get to that soon.

“You’re no less a Timelord than I am, River.“ That’s a good start. I knew eventually, the Doctor wouldn’t be able to hide it. This is why I needed to bring them back together. River will understand and help.

“Sorry?“ Well, she doesn’t understand right away but she will.

“The Timelords are a myth, a fabrication, they’re not a species, they’re thieves.“ That’s rich, coming from you, Thief.

“What do you mean?“

“It’s a long story…“ The Doctor regrets the outburst now. Again, that reluctance to talk. It would be so much easier to just get it out of the way but they insist on going about it the long way.

“I have time.“ I can sense River’s worry now as she, in turn, senses the Doctor’s distress that they're trying to bury.

“Where are we?“ Yaz interrupts and it’s a good question. I flick on one of the screens to show them and move this conversation along.

“Don’t. We’re going.“ My Thief actually covers my screen so they can’t see. How rude. “I don’t know what you’re playing at but I don’t want to be here!“ They snap at me but as if that has ever done anything to impress me. They’re adorable when they get angry. So I turn on all the screens.

“Gallifrey?“ Yaz and River look to different screens as the Doctor can’t cover them all and they come to the same conclusion.

“What’s left of it…“ My Thief huffs, trying to cover the anger and sadness that I feel most keenly.

“What happened here?“ River realises the destruction that Yaz already knew about. “Tell me.“

Yes my beloved Thief. Tell her. You need to talk to her about it. I can’t talk back to you but she can. And maybe, then, you will realise something I’ve always known.

“The Master did this… he was so angry.“ The Doctor knows they’re defeated, giving in at last. About time, too.

“You’re angry too. Why?“ River is so clever to pick it up, even without a telepathic connection to them. “Not just over what he did but something else. What did you mean when you said the Timelords are a fabrication?“ Clever girl.

“It was all a lie, River.“ Finally. There we are. It’s like dragging water from a stone but we’re getting somewhere and I know they’ll feel better for it. “I’m not one of them but they used me.“ I can tell they’re starting to feel better already and it’s what keeps them talking. “They found me. They took my DNA, my regenerative ability and gave it to themselves… And I don’t remember any of it. I don’t know who I am. Where I’m from. What I am.“ Their voice trails off into what seems like silence but for me, it’s a storm of emotions raging through my mind. The Doctor’s sadness and desperation. River’s anger at what had been done to her love. Their shared sorrow as they both know what it’s like to be used as a pawn. They are so similar in so many ways. And then, there is relief and warmth when River pulls the Doctor into her arms.

“Oh Sweetie.“ She kisses the top of their head and I’m starting to understand a little better what it is about touch. My Thief’s feelings on the matter are overwhelming. The love, comfort and assurance alleviate so much of the pain.

“When you said you’re not quite a Timelord but thereabouts…“ Yes, thank you Yaz for pointing out the obvious.

The Doctor looks up to River and the realisation comes as a wave of relief and joy for me as well.

Your wife is the closest thing to anything - anyone -  like you, my darling Thief. She just happened. In the same way you did. So perhaps it’s time you actually talked, my Timeless Children.