#Including my parents! Complex feelings this morning family

[callsigns-haze]

His Shadow: Chp 6

masterlist part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5

Azriel, secretly juggling his responsibilities and personal life, maintains a hidden relationship with YN, who works at a pleasure house in the Hewn City. She was his light, his love, his passion. Yet being his darkest secret is a hard role because life in the Hewn as a young female isn't the easiest as the two of you hold an even dark secret yet to be told...

Pairing: Azriel x reader

This series contains mature themes: Explicit depictions of violence, including physical and emotional. Themes of secrecy. Descriptions of difficult relationships, including strained familial and romantic dynamics. Mature sexual content. Themes of power, control, and manipulation within complex interpersonal relationships. Discussions of parenthood and the challenges associated with it, including postpartum experiences.

The morning sun filtered through the thin curtains of their apartment, casting a warm, golden hue across the room. The soft light highlighted the simple, yet cozy space they had made their own—a sanctuary that was their little world, hidden from the eyes of everyone else. Knox was still asleep in his crib, his tiny chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm, blissfully unaware of the tension building between his parents.

YN stood near the window, her back turned to Azriel, arms crossed over her chest. Her posture was stiff, her shoulders tense as she stared out at the city, her reflection barely visible in the glass. Azriel could feel the frustration radiating off her in waves, and he knew that this conversation was inevitable. He just hadn’t expected it to happen so soon.

He had taken the week off, needing to be with his family, needing to be with her. After overhearing Cassian and Mor talk about their little spying expedition on YN, he had made the decision quickly, without hesitation. But now, as he watched YN’s back, he wondered if he had acted too impulsively.

“Why did you do it, Azriel?” YN’s voice broke the silence, cutting through the stillness of the morning. It was calm, but there was an edge to it—one that Azriel recognized all too well. She was holding back, trying to keep her emotions in check, but he knew she was upset. “Why did you take the week off?”

Azriel let out a slow breath, his wings rustling slightly as he stepped closer to her. “I wanted to be here with you and Knox,” he answered, keeping his voice steady. “After everything that’s happened, I thought you could use the support. I wanted to make sure you both were safe.”

She turned around to face him, her eyes flashing with a mix of anger and something else—something that looked a lot like hurt. “Safe?” she repeated, her tone incredulous. “Azriel, we’re not in immediate danger. You’re acting like I can’t take care of myself and our son without you hovering over us.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” Azriel replied quickly, though he knew that wasn’t entirely true. He was protective—maybe too protective, especially now that their lives were more complicated than ever. He crossed the distance between them, his hands reaching out to take hers, but she stepped back, putting more space between them.

“Isn’t it?” she shot back, her voice rising slightly. “You’re here because you don’t trust me to handle things on my own. You’re here because you think you need to shield us from everything—even from your own family. But Azriel, I can’t live like this. We can’t live like this, constantly looking over our shoulders, constantly hiding.”

Her words hit him hard, and he knew she was right. But it didn’t change the fact that he felt this deep, unrelenting need to protect her, to protect Knox, to be there every moment in case something went wrong. The thought of losing them—of anything happening to them—was more than he could bear.

“YN, I’m not trying to smother you,” he said, his voice softer now, tinged with the desperation he felt. “I just… I need to be sure. After what happened yesterday, after knowing they were watching you—I can’t just leave you both alone and hope everything will be fine.”

Her eyes softened slightly at his words, the anger ebbing away, replaced by a sadness that made Azriel’s heart ache. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment as if trying to gather her thoughts before she spoke again.

“Azriel,” she said more gently, “I understand why you feel the way you do. I do. But this… this isn’t sustainable. We can’t keep living in fear, can’t keep reacting to what might happen. We need to trust each other, trust that we can handle things—even when you’re not here.”

Azriel’s shoulders sagged slightly, the weight of her words pressing down on him. He knew she was right, but it was so hard to let go of that instinct, the one that told him he needed to be there every moment to protect them. He had been living on the edge for so long, constantly aware of the dangers lurking in the shadows, that he didn’t know how to step back and just… breathe.

“I do trust you,” he said finally, his voice rough with emotion. “I trust you more than anyone, YN. But I’ve spent centuries living in a world where letting your guard down, even for a moment, can cost you everything. I’m sorry if I’m overbearing—I just can’t lose you. I can’t lose our son.”

YN’s expression softened further, the tension in her posture easing slightly as she stepped closer to him. She reached out, her hand resting against his chest, right over his heart. “You won’t lose us,” she said firmly, looking up at him with a gaze full of determination. “But you have to let us live, Azriel. We can’t keep hiding in the shadows like this. I need you to believe that we can handle this—together.”

Azriel closed his eyes, leaning into her touch as he absorbed her words. She was right, of course. YN had always been strong, far stronger than he sometimes gave her credit for. And Knox—he was still so small, but Azriel knew his son would grow up to be just as strong. They didn’t need him to shield them from the world; they needed him to stand beside them, to be their partner, not their protector.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, opening his eyes to meet hers. “I’ll try to do better. I promise.”

She smiled at him then, a small but genuine smile that made the tightness in his chest ease just a little. “That’s all I ask,” she said softly, her hand moving up to cup his cheek. “We’re in this together, Azriel. Always.”

He leaned down, pressing a kiss to her forehead, the simple act grounding him, reminding him of what truly mattered. “Always,” he echoed, his voice filled with a quiet resolve.

They stood there for a moment, wrapped in each other’s presence, the tension between them slowly dissipating. Outside, the sun continued to rise, bathing the room in warmth and light, as if to remind them that there was still hope, still a future to be had, as long as they faced it together.

In the crib beside them, Knox let out a small whimper, his tiny wings fluttering as he stirred from his sleep. YN pulled back from Azriel with a soft laugh, her eyes sparkling with affection as she turned to their son. “Looks like someone’s awake,” she murmured, moving over to the crib to pick Knox up.

Azriel watched her, his heart swelling with love as she cradled their son in her arms. Knox blinked up at her, his small mouth forming a perfect little ‘O’ as he looked between his parents. Azriel stepped closer, wrapping an arm around YN’s waist as he leaned down to press a gentle kiss to Knox’s head.

“We’ll be okay,” YN said quietly, more to herself than to him, as she rocked Knox gently in her arms. But Azriel heard the conviction in her voice, the belief that they would find a way through this—together. And for the first time in a long while, he allowed himself to believe it too.

---

River House was alive with activity as the Inner Circle gathered in the spacious sitting room. Sunlight streamed through the high windows, casting warm pools of light across the room’s plush furniture. Cassian was sprawled in one of the armchairs, his wings half-draped over the sides, while Rhys sat opposite him, leaning casually against the backrest of a couch. Mor and Feyre were nearby, quietly sipping their tea, and Amren was perched on the window sill, her sharp eyes watching everyone with mild disinterest.

As usual, the meeting started casually, with updates on Velaris, news from the courts, and the usual banter. But something was different this morning, an undercurrent of curiosity running through the group. Azriel’s absence was becoming more noticeable, especially given his sudden declaration of taking a week off—a rare occurrence.

"So, does anyone else find it weird that Azriel's taking a week off?" Cassian said, breaking the silence. He shifted in his seat, his brow furrowed with a mix of concern and confusion. “I can’t remember the last time that happened. Not without a reason.”

Rhys’s violet eyes flickered with amusement, but there was a hint of curiosity as well. "It’s not like him," he admitted, his voice smooth. "Azriel rarely takes time for himself. He’s always working, always looking for the next mission or lead. But a whole week off? That’s new."

Mor nodded in agreement, her lips quirking in a small smile. “Maybe he finally realized he needs a break,” she said with a light laugh. “Even shadowsingers need to recharge once in a while.”

Feyre glanced at Rhys, her brow arched in thought. "He didn't seem like anything was wrong the last time I saw him. Do you think something’s going on that he’s not telling us?"

Cassian sat up straighter, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck. “I wouldn’t be surprised. You know how secretive he can be. But a whole week off? Something doesn’t add up.”

"Maybe he met someone," Mor suggested, her eyes gleaming mischievously. “Maybe there’s a secret lover involved, and he’s just been keeping it from us.”

At that, Cassian snorted, his wings shifting behind him as he chuckled. "Azriel? Keeping a secret lover from us? That sounds about right, actually. He’s good at hiding things.”

Rhys tilted his head, a slight frown creasing his brow. “He’s been acting strange lately. Not just with the time off, but before that too. More secretive than usual. And those late-night disappearances…”

Feyre leaned forward, her curiosity piqued. “Do you think he’s hiding something serious?”

Rhys let out a thoughtful hum, his fingers drumming lightly on the armrest of the couch. “Could be. Azriel’s not one to share things unless it’s absolutely necessary. If something’s bothering him, he’ll bury it deep.”

Mor crossed her arms, glancing between Rhys and Cassian. “Do you think it has to do with the place we went to in the Hewn City? The woman—YN—she seemed close to him. Could it be related?”

Rhys’s eyes darkened for a moment, as if recalling the encounter at the pleasure house. “Possibly. He did seem more… comfortable there than usual. And she did say something about going back after maternity leave. Perhaps Azriel’s more involved in her life than we thought.”

Cassian shifted, his expression turning more serious. "You think he's involved with her?"

"It’s possible," Rhys said slowly. "But Azriel’s careful. If he’s keeping something from us, it’s for a reason."

Amren, who had been silently observing the conversation, finally spoke, her voice dry and laced with boredom. “Whatever it is, he’ll tell you when he’s ready. No point in speculating about his private life.”

Mor glanced at Amren, then back at the others. “Still, it wouldn’t hurt to keep an eye on things. If he’s tangled up in something, we should know. Especially if it affects us or the missions we’re planning.”

Rhys gave a slow nod, his gaze flicking toward the window as if he were already piecing things together in his mind. “Agreed. But we give him space. Azriel’s earned that much.”

Cassian leaned back in his chair, his eyes thoughtful. “Yeah, but if he disappears again, I’m dragging him back here myself.”

The group shared a small laugh, but the lingering tension remained. Azriel’s absence weighed on them more than they were willing to admit, and the mystery of his sudden break gnawed at their collective curiosity.

As the conversation lulled, Rhys’s gaze turned distant, his thoughts clearly elsewhere. He could sense there was more to this story than what met the eye. Something was going on with Azriel—something deeper than just taking time off.

But for now, they would wait. And watch.

---

YN walked into the pleasure home, the familiar scent of incense and low hum of conversation filling the air. She had grown accustomed to the atmosphere over the years—the darkened rooms, the hushed voices, the hidden glances exchanged between patrons and the workers. Tonight, though, something felt different. Her nerves were on edge, her mind still unsettled by the feeling that she was being watched the other day at the market.

As she adjusted her black silk dress, ensuring it clung to her in all the right places, she pushed those thoughts aside. She had work to do, and there was no room for distractions. She glanced around the room, scanning the faces of the patrons lounging in their seats, drinks in hand and their eyes on the stage where the night's entertainment had just begun.

And then she saw them.

At one of the booths near the back, sitting comfortably as if they belonged, were Rhysand and Cassian. But this time, they weren’t alone. Their partners, Nesta and Feyre, were with them. The sight of the group made YN pause for a split second, her breath catching in her throat as recognition hit her. It was them—she had felt their presence before. They were the ones who had been following her at the market just the day before.

She played it cool, forcing a neutral expression onto her face as she straightened her posture. Whatever they were doing here, she wasn’t going to let them know that she had figured it out. She was already too involved in the tangled mess of Azriel’s secrets, and the last thing she needed was to attract more attention from his friends. Especially Feyre and Nesta. If they even had the faintest idea about her connection to Azriel, things could go downhill fast.

With a calm smile plastered on her face, she made her way toward their table. Her heart raced beneath her composed exterior, but she kept her movements steady, her steps measured and graceful as she approached the group.

"Good evening," YN greeted them, her voice smooth and professional as she came to a stop by their table. "What can I get for you tonight?"

Rhysand, ever the picture of charm and elegance, offered her a polite smile. His violet eyes met hers briefly, but there was a flicker of something beneath the surface—curiosity, perhaps, or maybe suspicion. Cassian leaned back in his chair, his arm draped casually over Nesta’s shoulders, while Feyre, sitting next to Rhys, regarded YN with an air of quiet observation.

“We’ll start with a round of drinks,” Rhys said, his tone casual, but YN could feel the weight of his gaze on her, as if he were sizing her up. “Something strong.”

YN nodded, jotting down the order even though she didn’t need to. She had memorized the menu long ago. “I’ll be right back with that.”

She turned on her heel and walked away, her mind racing as she made her way to the bar. It was no coincidence that they were here again, especially after what happened at the market. Rhys and Cassian had come to the pleasure home with Azriel once before, and now this was their third visit in such a short time. It couldn’t be a casual night out—it had to be something more.

Harvey, her bartender friend, raised an eyebrow as she approached. "You okay?" he asked quietly, noticing the tension in her shoulders.

YN forced a smile, shaking her head slightly. "Fine. Just...unexpected company," she muttered as she handed him the drink order. Her mind was spinning with questions, but she knew better than to discuss anything in the open.

As Harvey prepared the drinks, YN leaned against the bar, trying to steady herself. She had to stay calm, keep up the act. If Rhysand and the others were here for information, she couldn’t afford to give anything away. Not about herself, not about Azriel. Not about Knox. They still had no idea about her and Azriel, and she intended to keep it that way.

After a few minutes, Harvey slid the tray of drinks toward her, and YN lifted it carefully, balancing it in her hands as she returned to the table. She felt their eyes on her as she approached, but she kept her expression neutral, her smile practiced and professional.

"Here you go," she said, setting the drinks down in front of them. She noticed how Feyre’s eyes lingered on her for a moment longer than necessary, as if trying to place her.

"Thanks," Cassian said, his voice gruff but polite. Nesta glanced up at YN briefly before turning her attention back to her drink, uninterested in the small talk.

As YN set the last glass down in front of Rhys, she caught his gaze again. His expression was calm, unreadable, but she could sense the questions lurking beneath the surface. She had been in enough rooms with men like him to know when someone was trying to figure out a puzzle—and tonight, she was the puzzle.

Before anyone could say anything further, YN gave them a small nod and turned to leave, her pulse quickening as she walked away. She had to be careful now. Whatever game they were playing, she was already too deep in it. And with Azriel out on his week off, the last thing she needed was for his inner circle to find out about Knox—or their relationship.

As she walked back toward the bar, she allowed herself a moment to breathe. They were watching her, but she had survived worse. She just had to keep her head down, play her part, and hope that they wouldn’t dig too deep.

But the nagging thought wouldn’t leave her: Why were they here again? And what, exactly, were they hoping to find out?

YN stepped through the door of their small apartment, her body aching from the weight of the day. Exhaustion clung to her like a second skin, and her mind raced with endless thoughts—who had been spying on her, why the Inner Circle kept showing up, and what it all meant for her and Azriel. She had kept her cool at the pleasure house, but the constant pressure of pretending everything was normal while being watched was wearing her down.

The familiar warmth of home wrapped around her as she shut the door quietly behind her, but the tension in her body refused to ease. She dropped her bag on the floor, her gaze flicking to the couch where Azriel sat, barefoot and bare-chested, with only a pair of loose sweatpants hanging low on his hips. He was leaning back, a book resting in his hands, though the moment she entered, his golden-brown eyes were on her, sensing her frustration without needing to ask.

“Rough night?” Azriel asked softly, his voice a low rumble that sent a shiver down her spine. He closed the book and set it aside, his attention fully on her.

YN gave a small nod, too tired to speak. The weight of everything pressed down on her, making her feel like she could collapse right there in the doorway. Her shoulders slumped, and Azriel immediately got up, moving toward her with a fluid grace that belied the exhaustion she knew he carried too.

He reached for her gently, his hands sliding under her shirt, lifting it over her head in one smooth motion. The cool air hit her skin, but it wasn’t the chill that made her shiver. It was the way Azriel’s hands worked with such care, as though she were made of something fragile, even though he knew better than anyone that she wasn’t.

When he unclasped her bra and slid it off her shoulders, YN let out a long, shaky breath. Azriel’s presence was grounding, his hands firm yet tender as he guided her to the couch. He sat down first, pulling her with him until she was lying against his chest, her legs draped over his as she settled into his warmth. The steady rise and fall of his breathing was the only sound in the room for a moment, and YN could feel some of the tension in her body begin to melt away.

But she still felt overwhelmed—by the spying, by the uncertainty, by the weight of the past few days.

Azriel knew. He always did. His calloused hands moved to the scars on her back, the ridged lines that traced where her wings had been brutally clipped when she was only nine years old. It had been a trauma that never left her, not in all the years since. Even though she had healed, those scars still carried memories she couldn’t shake. And Azriel knew how much they haunted her.

His fingers brushed lightly over the scars, tracing the familiar pattern as he began to massage the tense muscles beneath. The pressure was just enough to ease the knots that had formed in her back, and YN couldn’t help the soft sigh that escaped her lips. He always knew how to take the pain away—both the physical and the emotional.

"Talk to me," Azriel murmured, his voice a quiet invitation. "What happened?"

YN closed her eyes, letting the warmth of his body and the soothing motions of his hands carry her for a moment. “I think they’re watching me,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. “I recognized Rhys and Cassian at the pleasure house tonight, and... they’ve been following me. I know it.”

Azriel’s hands paused briefly before continuing their gentle rhythm. He didn’t ask who “they” were—he didn’t need to. He had already suspected the Inner Circle’s involvement, though hearing it confirmed made his chest tighten.

“I’ll take care of it,” he promised quietly, his voice steady and unwavering. “You don’t have to worry about them.”

But that wasn’t the only thing gnawing at YN. There was more—the weight of being watched, the fear that their secret might be exposed. The fear that her past, her clipped wings, her life at the pleasure house, and everything she had built with Azriel and Knox would come crashing down.

“They don’t know about us, about Knox,” YN continued, her voice trembling slightly as she curled in closer to Azriel. “But if they keep following me... I’m scared they’ll find out.”

Azriel’s arms tightened around her, pulling her flush against his chest. His lips pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head, a silent reassurance. “They won’t,” he murmured, his breath warm against her hair. “I won’t let anything happen to you or Knox. You’re both safe.”

YN buried her face against his chest, the steady beat of his heart calming the storm inside her. She believed him—she always did. Azriel had been her anchor, her protector, the one person who had stood by her when no one else would. But even with his promises, the weight of everything still felt like too much.

His hands continued to work at the knots in her back, his fingers gentle yet firm, easing the tension from her muscles. YN let out a shaky breath, feeling her body slowly relax under his touch. She closed her eyes, allowing herself to sink deeper into the safety of Azriel’s arms, the familiar scent of him wrapping around her like a cocoon.

For a few moments, it was just them—their shared silence, the unspoken bond between them. Azriel’s hands never stopped moving, soothing the aches and pains that had built up inside her. His presence was her sanctuary, the one place she felt truly at peace.

And for now, that was enough.

Let me know if you'd wish to be tagged! Comments and reblogs are really appreciated!

There's three more chapters left and I think I might make a sequel but not with the mmc you think it is.... But the drama unfolds in the next chapter

[lydiduh]

Full offense VA hospitals are terrible and every staff member and patient there is disgusting

[darkwitch1999]

My OC's Thoughts & Experiences with the Darkverse Akuma Class: Devin Nolan

Marinette Dupain-Cheng:

She is one of the many people on this list that Devin finds to be annoying.

Devin is not a fan of how Marinette is always butting into people's lives (his included) and trying to help them solve their problems like she's got some "superhero complex".

"Dupain-Cheng needs to mind her own damn business."

In the Darkverse, Marinette is not a stalker, but she's still a cringe disaster when it comes to her crush on Adrien. Devin views her as "pathetic" in this regard.

Devin is a frequent customer at the Dupain-Cheng Bakery as he visits the bakery every Monday morning for croissants, unbeknownst to the bluenette or family since he is always in disguise when he visits the bakery and he makes sure that he arrives at the bakery early enough to order the croissants and leave before Marinette tumbles down the stairs to recognize him.

Devin once anonymously requested that a Kitty Section hoodie be commissioned for triple the original price. Marinette still has no idea this anonymous person found out about the Kitty Section hoodies since they hadn't even been released yet.

Devin silently envies Marinette's home life. She has two parents who love her unconditionally and is surrounded by lots of friends while Devin has nobody in his life who loves him (from his point of view).

Adrien Agreste

"How can someone so well educated be so ignorantly oblivious at the same time?"

Despite knowing Adrien's intelligence, Devin sees him as another "airhead blonde" stereotype due to how socially oblivious the boy is.

Often annoyed with how clueless Adrien is about Marinette's crush on him. Though Devin doesn't care if those two end up together or not, he just wishes they didn't make it so painfully cringey to watch.

Devin has a bit of a one-sided unspoken rivalry with Adrien when it comes to being "perfect" at...well everything. Adrien is of course oblivious to this rivalry, but Devin is determined to be at the top of his classes and not fall short of Adrien ever since Adrien got a perfect score on a test that Devin had failed (A 99% is still a failing grade from his perspective. It just means he's the first loser).

Devin knows about Adrien's home life and feels a bit of pity for the poor boy since he knows what it is like to have an overbearing parent who pushes their expectations onto him.

Strangely, Devin is also envious of Adrien having parents who actually love and care about him and are affectionate towards the blonde (Gabriel is not completely heartless in the Darkverse).

Alya Césaire

Alya is on the list of people from the Akuma Class that Devin finds annoying. Number four on the list to be exact.

For the first few months after Ladybug and Chat Noir made their debut, Devin had to listen to this girl go on and on about the superheroes whenever they had the same classes together. Devin seriously considered jumping out of a window if he had to hear "Ladybug and Chat Noir this..." or "Ladybug and Chat Noir that..." one more time.

Thankfully, Alya hasn't been as annoying about her obsession with the two superheroes lately for some reason.

Devin views Alya as a one-track-minded person when it comes to getting the "big scoop", another reason he considers Alya to be annoying.

Devin also sees Alya as stubbornly ignorant due to how she blindly believes Lila Rossi's false tales without checking her sources or doing research to prove these claims are actually true.

Not impressed by Alya's "Ladyblog", especially since the blog has several videos of Lila lying about her "friendship" with Ladybug.

"Real smart, Césaire. You do realize that Shadow Moth probably reads this blog as well, right?"

Nino Lahiffe

If this guy says "dude" one more time around Devin, he seriously will throw himself out a window.

Nino is one of the few people from the Akuma Class who is always trying to invite Devin to join group outings, but Devin always declines. Devin finds Nino to be almost as annoyingly persistent as Jean Duparc when it comes to "pestering" him about inviting him out on group outings.

During the events of Bubbler, Devin immediately offered himself to be trapped in one of Bubbler's bubbles when he refused to participate as a hostage for Adrien's birthday party. Being trapped alone in a floating bubble heading to oblivion was the preferable option for him.

One time when Devin became distressed after getting a 99% and "failing" a math test, Nino jokingly stated, "Hey dude, if you don't want that 99, I'll take it.", which caused the other students to laugh at Nino's joke and made Devin feel even worse. Of course, Nino was only trying to help cheer up Devin and had no intention of trying to make Devin feel worse.

Max Kanté

Another academic rival. While Devin knows that he could best Max in other areas, he refuses to let Max best him in academics.

Not a fan of when Max over-explains with more details than necessary. He doesn't need an explanation on something he already knows, just get to the point already!

Like with the rest of his peers, Devin refers to Max by his last name. However, one time while Devin was frustrated he called Max "four-eyes" and immediately regretted it since Devin also needs glasses to see even if he hardly ever wears them.

During the events of Gamer 2.0, Max tried to invite Devin to test out his new video game with him, but Devin coldly declined and stated that he had better, more important things to do than play some "childish game".

Devin would be lying though if he said that he didn't find the game to be intriguing and a part of him regrets not taking Max up on his offer.

Devin is annoyed by Max's ignorance of Lila's lies. The guy is a fucking genius intellect who seriously bought the lie about a napkin gouging a guy's eye out and that she got tinnitus from saving Jagged Stone's cat from an airplane runway!

Lê Chiến Kim

Devin doesn't care for Kim's antics. His pranks, dares, and overconfidence in his athletic abilities have earned him the third spot on his list of annoying people.

Like with everyone else, Kim also challenges Devin to perform dares or compete to see whose athletic abilities are superior. Though Devin always declines these foolish challenges at first, some pestering from Kim ultimately causes Devin to relent and put the jock in his place.

Devin is most annoyed by Kim's goofy personality and how he seems to rarely take anything seriously.

Devin did not feel much sympathy towards Kim when Chloe humiliated him on Valentine's Day. While he does feel that what Chloe did to Kim was awful, he believes that Kim should have expected that kind of rejection and humiliation from the meanest girl in their school who has also made her attraction for Adrien Agreste very clear.

Devin does approve of Kim and Ondine's relationship. "The fool finally found someone to keep him in check."

Kim started an after-gym custom with the males in his gym class where they would give each other "bro hugs" at the end of each class to boost morale and team spirit. Unfortunately, this was before the students in both Ms. Bustier's and Ms. Mendeleiev's classes knew about Devin's intense fear of being touched and when Kim tried to hug Devin, Devin punched Kim in the jaw.

Rose Lavillant

Rose is an enigma to Devin. He just can't understand how someone can be so happy and positive all the time.

Frankly, Rose's positivity is rather unnerving to Devin.

Despite how cold and negative Devin acts toward everyone, Rose is one of the few people who still tries to be nice to Devin and reaches out to him whenever she notices that something is wrong with him.

Unsurprisingly, Rose's kindness is often met with coldness from Devin as he harshly demands to be left alone whenever she tries to help him.

Devin once verbally lashed out at Rose the day following some harsh criticisms that he received from his mother and made her cry. He would later come to regret being so harsh with her, especially afterward when Rose still tries to be nice to him despite always pushing her away.

Devin is a secret fan of "Kitty Section". His favorite song is "I Love Unicorns", one of the songs that Rose wrote.

Juleka Couffaine

Devin and Juleka don't really interact that much with each other since Juleka is very quiet and Devin isn't interested in interacting with his peers if he could avoid it.

During the few times Devin and Juleka interact with each other, Devin usually has a hard time understanding her mumbling.

Juleka holds a grudge against Devin (in silence of course) for lashing out at Rose and is still waiting for him to apologize to her girlfriend.

Devin is also pissed at Juleka for turning him into a "freak" twice (Reflekta and Reflekdoll).

Devin met Juleka's brother, Luka, one time when he came to give her a ride home. Luka had made a comment about Devin's "inner music" being drowned out by an array of discord, which resulted in Devin flipping Luka off before walking away.

Ivan Bruel

Surprisingly, Devin is not as hostile towards Ivan compared to the rest of his peers.

While Devin still pushes Ivan away whenever he tries to include him in activities or when something is bothering Devin, Devin is still grateful that Ivan gives him the space he requests rather than pestering him to open up like others tend to do.

Devin is not the least bit intimidated by Ivan's size and physique. He knows that the boy is really a "gentle giant".

Someone who witnessed Devin having an intense panic attack confided their concerns to Ivan and now he and that individual are on alert in case another one were to happen again.

Mylène Haprèle

Though Devin sees Mylène's intense fears of everything as pathetic, at the same time he sympathizes with her deep down as he knows what it is like to be controlled by an intense phobia.

It is for that reason that Devin never calls out or humiliates Mylène about her fears and phobias.

Devin has witnessed Mylène's acting abilities several times while watching school plays being performed by the school's theater club (don't ask why he was in attendance) and he believes that she is an excellent actress overall.

Alix Kubdel

Devin respects how Alix doesn't back down from challenges and is not afraid to speak her mind (not that he would ever admit it out loud).

During their first year of middle school, Alix playfully punched Devin's arm and unintentionally caused him to start panicking.

Alix's father once called DCS after Alix had confided to him about what had happened. Unfortunately, since there was no evidence of abuse or neglect that they could determine, they had to dismiss the case. Devin doesn't know that Alix's father called them, but he was pissed at everyone nevertheless the next day.

Devin visited the Louvre for a school project one time and ran into Alix's brother, Jalil, who then tried to explain one of his theories to Devin based on a historical piece that Devin was observing. Devin was quick to debunk and point out every flaw in Jalil's theory until the young historian was left incapable of any further counterarguments.

Though Devin finds Alix to be "slightly less annoying" than Kim, he is still unamused by their frequent challenges.

Nathaniel Kurtzberg

Just like Juleka, Nathaniel and Devin don't interact that much either since both boys prefer to keep to themselves.

Though Devin would never say it out loud, he does think that Nathaniel is a talented artist.

Another thing that Devin won't admit to is that he reads and likes the Ladybug and Chat Noir comics that Nathaniel and Marc create.

Sabrina Raincomprix

Devin doesn't think too highly of Sabrina. He sees her as Chloe's minion/slave.

Devin would be more sympathetic towards Sabrina's situation if she actually took the opportunities she was given to get out previously.

"Guess she enjoys being Chloe's doormat."

Chloé Bourgeois

Number One on the list of annoying people list!!!!

Despises her greatly.

Because of her spoiled bratty attitude, most of the students at Dupont were cautious of Devin being a "male Chloé". Fortunately, it didn't take long for him to prove to them that he is nothing like Chloé.

Like everyone else, Devin gets annoyed and frustrated whenever Chloé uses her father's power and privileges to get what she wants.

Devin is also annoyed by how Chloé gets good grades in some of her classes because some of the teachers haven't caught on that Sabrina is doing her schoolwork and cheating off of her during tests.

However, a couple of the teachers were not easily fooled and Devin is satisfied to watch those teachers hand Chloé back her failed grades.

Chloé was quick to mock Devin when he became distressed about getting a 99%. Then she immediately shuts up when the teacher hands her back her grade.

As horrible as Chloé is, she respects the "no-touching" boundary (mostly because she remembers what happened to Kim).

Lila Rossi

Number Two on the list of annoying people.

Devin despises listening to her constant tall tales and fabrications. He associates the experiences with swallowing shards of broken glass.

Yes, he knows that Lila is a liar. He never once bought any one of her lies and immediately saw the inconsistencies in her tales of falsehood. How almost everyone else could be so blind and oblivious is beyond him!

"Her class has a wannabe reporter, fucking Einstein 2.0, Prince Ali's penpal, and Jagged Stone's own daughter, and they all still believe her?!"

While Devin knows that Lila Rossi is a liar, he doesn't say anything for a couple of reasons:

He doesn't care because her lies don't affect him.

It is pretty obvious that she is lying and it is not his fault that almost everyone else is so ignorant and naive.

They don't believe Marinette when she tries to tell them that Lila is a liar. Do you think they would believe Devin?

Instead of exposing Lila, Devin is playing the long game by sitting back and waiting for the spider to get tangled in her own web of lies.

He will, however, subtly point out inconsistencies in her stories in a manner in which a couple of her "followers" will start questioning the tale's genuinity. Sometimes it is entertaining to watch Lila try to lie her way out of the truth.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To sum this up, Devin has a lot of walls built up around him that he uses to keep people out, even when someone is trying to help him or be nice to him. He has a hard time trusting people and expressing his feelings. Though he does have a few of his own interests, he keeps them to himself since again he has difficulty with opening up to people. He's also secretly envious of his peers who have one or more parents in their lives who love them. After all, his mother did set a pretty low bar so even parents like Adrien's and Chloe's would be an improvement.

Share your thoughts and opinions on headcanon and let me know what you guys think.

@nerd-chocolate @princessbutterflysposts @andromeda612 @imsparky2002 @msweebyness @artzychic27

[bluesky2106-blog]

### Chapter 3: New Encounters

The next morning, sunlight filtered through the high windows of the Red Keep. Velarya woke early, her mind buzzing with anticipation. Today, she would meet more of her family, including her grandfather’s wife, Queen Alicent, and her children.

Rhaenyra helped Velarya dress in a fine gown of silver and blue. "Remember, Velarya," Rhaenyra said as she brushed her daughter's hair, "they are family, but court life is complex. Be polite and observe carefully."

Velarya nodded, feeling the weight of her mother’s words. She was determined to make a good impression.

They walked through the grand halls of the Red Keep to the queen’s chambers. As they approached, the doors opened, and Queen Alicent Hightower emerged, her auburn hair elegantly styled, her green gown shimmering in the morning light. She was a striking woman, her presence commanding yet warm.

"Rhaenyra," Alicent greeted with a courteous nod before her eyes fell on Velarya. "And this must be Velarya."

Velarya curtsied gracefully. "Your Grace," she said softly.

Alicent smiled, though there was a hint of reserve in her eyes. "Welcome to King’s Landing, Velarya. I’ve heard much about you."

"Thank you, Your Grace," Velarya replied, maintaining her composure.

"Come, I’d like you to meet my children," Alicent said, leading them into a spacious sitting room.

Inside, three children were gathered. Aegon, the eldest, lounged casually on a cushioned chair, his silver-gold hair and green eyes marking him as a Targaryen yet with the Hightower's influence. Aemond, slightly younger, stood by the window, his gaze sharp and unnervingly intense. Helaena, a girl of about Velarya’s age, sat quietly with a small dragon figurine in her hands, her dreamy expression lost in thought.

"Aegon, Aemond, Helaena," Alicent called softly. "This is your cousin, Velarya."

Aegon glanced up lazily, his eyes narrowing with a hint of disdain. "Cousin Velarya," he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm. Aemond’s eyes remained fixed on Velarya, his expression hard to read, giving off an unsettling vibe. Helaena looked up from her figurine, her eyes brightening. "Do you like dragons?" she asked in a soft, lilting voice.

Velarya smiled. "Very much," she replied. "I have a dragon named Cannibal."

Helaena’s eyes widened. "Cannibal? The wild dragon? That’s amazing!"

Velarya felt a connection with Helaena, her shy nature mirrored in her cousin. They began to talk about their dragons and shared interests, while Rhaenyra and Alicent watched, the tension between them subtle but present.

Aemond suddenly stepped forward, his intense gaze fixed on Velarya. "What’s it like to ride Cannibal?" he asked, his voice almost a whisper.

"It’s exhilarating," Velarya replied cautiously, unsure of Aemond’s intentions. "Cannibal is fierce but loyal. He only listens to me."

Aegon scoffed from his seat. "A wild dragon for a wild girl," he muttered under his breath, loud enough for Velarya to hear. She chose to ignore the comment, focusing instead on Helaena's gentle questions.

The morning passed quickly, filled with stories and observations. Velarya found herself enjoying the company of her newfound cousins, despite the underlying tensions and Aegon’s hostility. Aemond’s peculiar behavior unsettled her, but she remained polite.

Later, as they walked back to their chambers, Rhaenyra spoke softly to Velarya. "You did well today. Remember, family can be complicated, but allies can be found in unexpected places."

Velarya nodded, her thoughts on Helaena and the strange interactions with Aemond and Aegon. She knew that the dynamics of her family were intricate, but she was determined to navigate them with the wisdom and strength her parents had instilled in her.

[mormonbooks]

The Bollywood Lovers' Club Review

This book absolutely wrecked me (affectionate)

4/5 Stars!!!!!!!

Amrita Sidhu moves away from her home in California, leaving behind a community and extended family where she knows who she is. Her new home in Ohio is cold and lonely but at least she has a couple of classes with Dave Gill, who is sweet and funny and awkward and Mormon. Amrita is Sihk and is not supposed to be dating anybody, certainly not a Mormon kid that her family doesn't even know. Dave is already struggling with how to tell his parents he won't be going to college like they expected, and he's still undecided on a mission. Falling for a girl outside his religion just adds another secret into his life.

This book centers around religion, faith, family expectation, and personal goals. I wish I'd had this kind of book to read growing up. For once I felt like my high school experience was accurately portrayed.

Spoilers under the cut

1. Well written - 5 Stars

Admittedly, you could probably find flaws in the plot if you looked. It's a High School Romance. Some things are cheesy or happen too fast or whatever, but personally I found the story and writing style engaging, realistic, relatable, and anxiety inducing at time.

2. Fun level - 5 Stars!

I love to read, but it's not often a book can hold my undivided attention for 4 hours straight. This book did. Every time I picked it up I felt myself sucked into Dave and Amrita's world. It might not be everyone's cup of tea (it IS a high school realistic fiction novel. No magic or spaceships) but I was entertained the whole way through.

3. Complex faith - 5 Stars

This is my favorite representation of Mormon life that I have EVER seen. It is exactly the kind of book I am looking for in this project. Dave is Mormon. He goes to early morning seminary and helps out in his ward. He loves his faith but he's also not afraid to ask questions about how things pertain to him personally. He grapples with his faith, and with what people have told him to do, before coming to his own conclusions.

Importantly, Amrita's religion is portrayed just as complexly throughout the book. And neither Dave nor Amrita ever consider giving up their faiths or converting or anything. I appreciated that they included Dave's grandfather, who converted to Mormonism from Sihkism, and explored how Dave feels this disconnect when he visits the gurdwara, like it's a place he should belong, but doesn't.

This book treats religion as a mixture of personal beliefs, family tradition, and community belonging, which is how I feel about my religion.

4. Homophobia scale - 2.5

Absolutely no mention of queerness at all. So it just gets the most medium score. There was no preaching but no gay people.

5. Mormon weird - 2

We had Dave explaining his green jello video project at one point, and a portrayal of Mormon wedding reception in the church gym (someone in Dave's ward at the beginning of the book). But overall it was light on the things that make Mormonism unique. Which I think worked for the story it was telling but does get it a low score in this area. It made me feel all the more represented for that I think.

6. Diversity of characters - 4

There are only like, two white girls in the whole story. Everybody else is Punjabi/Indian. Although that's really just one demographic, I am giving it a high score here because of how much it showed of Punjabi culture, and how much respect and honor those traditions were shown by the narrative. It wasn't just a ton of token characters, it was genuinely working to share a kind of story that doesn't always get told.

7. Other problematic stuff - 5

Didn't notice anything more of note.

Conclusion:

This is the kind of story I wish I had been able to read in high school. This is the kind of book I could recommend to someone as just, genuinely a good story and also it includes mormons. And Mormons done well! I feel like a lot of Mormon media I've seen focused a lot at making fun of ourselves, and I love that this book doesn't do that at all.

The end was heartbreaking. But I like that it allowed each character their choice, and it gave honor to prioritizing something other than romantic love.

[ninjasmart]

Do you have any tips on how to get rid of inherited fears and limited beliefs caused by social conditioning?

The answer will vary depending on how ma y therapy tools you have.

I can give you a roadmap and you can customise it to your needs.

If you haven't hears about Byron Katie, I suggest you read her books. She is a good start. She has a good pdf with the emotions and the core beliefs.

With some practice you can pin point some of your cote beliefs - 3 to 5, but even if you feel strongly about 2 it is plenty.

If you haven't heard of it - google the emotion's wheel. That is another good start. If you think of a situation, think of rhe primary emotion that comes with it.

Knowing your primary emotions is key. This keps you with the next step - understanding where they came from originally - mom, dad, some other ancestor. You can do that with a clinical psychologist and / or with a family constellations person.

Having a bigger perspective is key to healing. The next step is to do somatic work. Google the 6 healing sounds. If you know a accupincturist do that as well.

Next step is to do Osho dynamic meditations. I love the shaking meditation. If I need a bigger transformation I do the mystic rose.

That is one big branch of healing - working with your emotions. Let's go to the other pillar of healing : the family. Read everything you can get on Brene Brown. She has done truly amazing work on toxic shame.

Then, learn about your family dynamics and most importantly what happens with a person who had a certain role in the family over time. This includes exploring your attachment style. A family therapist can help with that but there are also many books.

You need to explore your basic reaction - fight, fligth, fawn or freeze. It helps to watch wild animals who explain those reactions.

The third pillar of healing is DBT. I can't recommend it enough but one must be ready for it, otherwise it will be not so deep.

..This all may sound quite complex or confusing so let me give you an example. I was raised to be a good girl. That was my role - the good, the responsible one.

Our society makes us women to be the good girls. Especially if you have a NARC tendencies mother - there is no ither choice: you must be the perfectest perfect daughter and you will still not be enough to deserve your own mother's love. Her ambition - yes, as long as you fulfill it, her love - no, she has another child that she loves.

-The core belief is: I am not enough

-This core belief comes with a lot of sadness and perfectionism.

-It comes from a mother who was not available for me bwcause her mother was not available to her and her mother was not available to her because she was too busy running away, leaving family behind and staying alive during the wars.

-As an unloved daughter I tend to go in relationships with men who are exactly like my mom - not available, using me and being ready to discard me. In friendships I have always fawned to women who are older than me and are often sociopaths. Also, women who are hardworking and wise and experienced, but that is due to the course correction that my grandmother did when she raised me half the time (parents are divorced). (You can search research articles about "adult children of .... "- e.g. adult children of alcoholics, adult children of elder parents, adult children abandoned by father, adult children of serial adultery mother, etc etc).

-Knowing what you are made of comes with an understanding, eventually. The understanding of: I am who I am and that is enough ( you can repeat that each morning or evening for a month and you'll see how you'll change the way you see the world). For example - I do man's work with ease, rarely ask for help, and that fragile, vulnerable feminine part of me comes out only around real men.

-Accupuncture and 6 healing sounds and zhan zhuan and kundelini mantras and osho dynamic meditations helped a lot. We all have stored in our body the trauma of the childhood. Mine is from before I was born. I was not wanted, mom was made to not abort me, and she genuinely deapised me for being in her womb. That realization for where exactly the trauma is really coming from can be unlocked with breathwork. Highly recommend. But it has to be very, very experienced practitioner, not an idiot who sees you shaking and decides to calm you - if you start shaking, reasearch says - you need to shake it all off.

-Now, the next big thing is - family. For me the default reaction is freeze. I have had years in which I feel the feelings days later and I couldn't cry. I was raised in people pleasing and I have accepted it as part of who I am. The only thing I do not accept is abusive behavior in return to my kindness. People who have done it are genuinely shocked to learn how good I am in stating and keeping airtight boundaries.

Another thing to pay attention when it comes to family and upbringing is - what coping skills were you taught, or learned. Mine was sugar addiction for years and putting up with crap until I get myself sick.

-And finally, tying it all together in the real world with the links exercise from DBT. A manager cut of my salary by a week just because he could do it and then told HR that I should be on probation until "the old me" is back. But the old me was doing the work of 4 full time employees, was working every weekend, every morning lunch and dinner and night, during vacations. And was never paid for all of this. The current me still does a bit of overtime just so I can help the team but since last Friday I understood it loud and clear: to this manager I will never be enough and I'll have to do perfectly the work of 3 full time employees in order to be considered on the same level as the colleagues who work one job 40hrs only. On one side - I have ingrained in me to be a team player and will want to continue to be helpful to the team even if in some weeks I work a bit more. On the other - to have worked triple shifts and be tricked into not being paid, then to work an entire week and your manager to just decide that he's going to cut your salary and to add insult to injury to want to put me on a probation until I go back to working for 3 full time employees "just to keep my job". It's too much.

[ao3feed-tedlasso]

thumbs

https://ift.tt/REY8x7A by SecretsOfTheUniverse1987 “Jamie went up to Manchester.” “You miss him.” “No.” Yes. “Jamie went up to Manchester to see his father.” Ruth’s expression, which had lit up with teasing fondness at the thought of Roy missing his best friend, falls back into concern at this. She knows about Jamie’s dad, a bit anyway. She’d entertained Roy’s request, after Wembley, to be the one to take Phoebe to school in the morning, but asked that he stop by hers after and pulled an explanation from him. She’d sat with him in the kitchen and reminded him that they’d broken the cycle for Phoebe. He’d done everything he could for them. Maybe all he could do for Jamie at that time was a hug, but he’d done it. He’d done everything he could. Roy knows Jamie better now, though. He should be able to do more for him. He should be able to fix this. “I just wish I could make things better for him,” Roy admits. “You always do." Or, I have a lot of feelings about the finale trying to give James Tartt Sr. a half-assed redemption arc, and I think that Roy Kent would, too. Words: 7455, Chapters: 1/5, Language: English Fandoms: Ted Lasso (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: M/M Characters: Roy Kent, Jamie Tartt, Dr. O'Sullivan | Roy Kent's Sister, Phoebe (Ted Lasso), James Tartt Sr., Coach Beard (Ted Lasso), Sharon Fieldstone, Trent Crimm, Georgie | Jamie Tartt's Mother, Simon (Ted Lasso) Relationships: Roy Kent/Jamie Tartt, Roy Kent & Dr. O'Sullivan | Roy Kent's Sister, Roy Kent & Phoebe, Phoebe & Jamie Tartt Additional Tags: POV Roy Kent, Post-Canon, we’re pretending they never got in a fight over Keeley though because I hate it, Developing Relationship, references to canonical child abuse, including amsterdam, Roy’s parents aren’t shown in a great light either, Bisexual Jamie Tartt, Bisexual Roy Kent, Canon-typical swearing, James Tartt Sr is his own warning, and I have a lot to say about it, this one was supposed to be silly but my hatred for that man made it serious, complex family situations, sibling relationships, y’all i had no idea how important my made-up version of ruth and roy’s relationship was to me, until i wrote this, so much dialogue, a lot of crying actually, the complex language of roy kent’s grunts, and nodding?, (realized in my brief proofread that there is so much nodding in here, but didn’t want to change it), But also, roy trying so hard to be more careful with his words, Roy Kent Goes to Therapy, you may be thinking the timeline makes no sense and that’s because it doesn’t, time isn’t real, i can’t write about the actual season i know nothing, i absolutely will continue tagging every fic like this is tumblr it’s more fun this way, no beta we die like Earl, (Rip) source https://archiveofourown.org/works/58458496 August 26, 2024 at 05:02AM

[childoftheyellowsun]

"I desperately needed a language that my parents will not speak or understand.  I did not speak English nor could read it properly.

If I had written something about what I was going through, in Marathi, the only language that we all knew, there was a danger that my parents could have read it. 

I was sixteen, was just out of high school and was severely heartbroken. I needed a language to be my secret code.

Aai, my mother was born in a small village of Vasai, north of Mumbai, in a poor family with four other siblings.

A catholic hamlet that included two modest houses, which had a few non catholic tenants. As soon as she had finished her matriculation exam, she had started working to contribute her share of money to the family.

Aai used to write short stories. She had a beautiful notebook. One evening, her father, in a fit of anger threw her notebook into the well in the backyard and warned her that writing is the indulgence for rich people and she should not waste her time doing it. Instead, she could find one more evening job to add to her income.

That well had a turtle in it.

Aai knew that the turtle ate her notebook. She never wrote a word again. It seems to me now, that my whole life is an act of revenge for the injustice done to her notebook. When I was born, she tells me now, she had decided, remembering the notebook disappearing below the water, that she will make me a writer. 

How does one make a writer? You can make an engineer, an architect, a husband or a banker. Not a writer.

The writer needs to be.

She was a rebel. She had proper male friends, another oddity for the family. She never went out with her sisters to shop or gossip. She did two jobs. She used to pay for her tea when she went out with her friends. She liked buying a film ticket and watching a new film alone in the theatre. That year when Hindi film ‘Bobby’ released, she decided to part with her traditional Maharashtrian dress and declared that she will only wear short skirts. She will never marry. She will continue to be a typist.

She would borrow books from library and she would live alone in Vasai.  She did not wait for permissions of her father and brothers. Dimple Kapadia now was her inspiration. When you do not have an army, or money your costume is where your rebel starts.

She immediately bought two skirts and blouses and made her statement.  She got herself another better paying job as steno typist in distant suburb of Borivali, for which she needed to catch the early morning train. She became the busy one, the most earning one.

But the idea of the short skirt did not go well. The result? Within a year, she was married into a household in Pune, where she was expected to be a housewife.

She would not step out and do any job, follow all rituals of the household and of course will forever wear a saree. 

A free-spirited girl inside her died as soon as I was born to her. It was her who decided that I will be a writer. Not me.

To my junior college I used to carry my inferiority complex, and a small notebook in which I noted the things that I felt.  I could never leave the notebook back home.

If she had found it, she would be glad that I was writing but she would not get the strangeness of it. The strangeness of my heart. 

A violin played for no one.  For us, in our mother tongue, the writing had to be lyrical. It had to be inspiring. It had to be glorious. It would have been great if it was socially useful. 

Or it had to be something that we munch with one hand while sipping the tea with the other. My notebook had nothing like it. I had no space to hide it.

The day when I told Aai, the root of my difference from the world around me, she became silent. Then she said, it is nature and we should learn to accept it. Nature will not leave anything unnatural around us.

So, what you feel is your oddity is simply the nature. The side of nature that we do not know of. Like some trees we do not know that they exist.

The fruits that grow in the unknown part of the world that we have not tasted yet. I will make sure to learn more about it. But meanwhile, are they going to give you grace marks in exam because of your whatever uniqueness? Is someone going to pay your bills because you are lonely? So, stop complaining. The world is a harsh place not only for you. So, you are not different, you are just like all of us, trying to make sense of things around us.  Now come, the dinner is ready.

All of this, she of course spoke in my mother tongue, Marathi.  The language I desperately wanted to run away from, to express my feelings. She was using it to express her wisdom.

That moment made me realize that I must write down what I feel, what I went through, on paper. In my mother tongue. Writing is not an indulgence for rich, as my maternal grandfather had threatened my mother.

It is quite the opposite. If I do not write, I have no other way to clear the tightness in my chest.  It does not matter if no one reads it. It does not matter if someone reads it and hates me.

If I do not tell my story, who will?"

(Written by Sachin Kundalkar.)

[sshewonders]

WARM BODIES

Chapter 09: Spill the beans

chapter synopsis: Questions swirled as you dozed on Daryl's back, returning to camp. Bonding over hunting, Carl's request to use your bow surprised you. Contemplating motherhood while teaching Carl math, Carol reassured you of strength found in unexpected places. As you headed for another hunting lesson with Daryl, camp gossip arose, but you assured Carol of your safety.

chapter warnings: Contains mild language, survival discussions in a post-apocalyptic setting, including danger, self-defense, and familial loss. Themes include bonding, mentorship, and relationship complexities. Reader discretion advised for emotional struggles, romantic tension, and camp gossip.

word count: 1.2k words

author's note: Okay, as of now, I'm editing everything on my blog to make it look aesthetically pleasing. However, I will be posting chapters as much as I can since I had a lot of drafted works last night at 2 am due to a sudden burst of energy and inspiration to write. By the time I had written over three chapters, each with over 2k words, it was already 4:30 am. Anyway, enjoy reading! Mwah.

MASTERLIST

NEXT CHAPTER >>

You did, in fact, dozed off on Daryl's back, emitting soft snores with your head nestled on his shoulder blades, peacefully lost in slumber.

Upon Daryl's arrival back at camp, a curious crowd, particularly Shane and Lori, gathered around as soon as Glenn spotted him carrying you. Before he could even catch his breath and ease his tired muscles, a barrage of questions erupted. Concerns about your well-being, potential injuries, bites, and speculations on what happened bombarded Daryl. Annoyed and on the brink of yelling, he hissed at everyone, trying to keep the peace while your gentle snores tickled his neck. He demanded they shut up before offering a brief explanation. Daryl glossed over the embarrassing details—how you got stuck in a tree overnight because the deer you tried to shoot waited for you to climb down, the dramatic moment where you declared you'd become one with the tree, and the frustrating instances when you resisted jumping despite his reassurances. He omitted nearly everything you had said to him during the journey back.

It dawned on him that those words were meant for him and him alone. It wasn't just a feeling; Daryl knew it. The intimate moments and revelations shared during the trek were reserved solely for the ears of Daryl Dixon.

Weeks rolled by, and you and Daryl fell into a routine of bonding over hunting, with Daryl taking on the role of the reluctant mentor. The mornings were predictable – breakfast, chores, and the familiar call from Daryl for you to get ready. Then, off you both went into the woods, the same place where Daryl found you when you were missing.

While you absorbed the lessons on hunting, there was one incident where you tried to showcase your tracking skills by circling through the forest, only to end up with no tracks at all. Daryl, unimpressed, made you watch as he hunted rabbits for the camp. You, fighting back your emotions, skipped that night's meal and settled for mushrooms.

Currently, you found yourself occupied with an unexpected task – teaching Carl some basic maths around the campfire. Although it wasn't scorching hot that day, the idea of teaching algebra in a post-apocalyptic world perplexed you. You couldn't help but wonder why Carl needed to learn this when survival skills seemed more essential. Yet, you dismissed your thoughts, attributing it to Lori's unique parenting style that you hadn't quite grasped.

You, not a mother yourself, recognized Lori's intent in teaching Carl something beyond the realm of immediate survival. Or was it really?

You were in the middle of explaining the wonders of basic geometry to Carl, sketching shapes in the dirt with a stick, trying to make it sound as exciting as possible. "See, Carl, geometry is like understanding the language of shapes. It's not just boring numbers; it's about exploring the world around us in a different way," you said with enthusiasm.

Before you could continue your enlightening lecture, Carl interrupted, "Math is boring. Can't you just teach me to use your bow instead?"

Your eyes widened at the unexpected request. You hesitated for a moment, then firmly responded, "No way, Carl. That's not a toy."

A slight pout formed on Carl's face, and he questioned, "But why not? I need to learn how to defend myself. What if something happens?"

You let out a small sigh, your mind racing with reasons to dissuade Carl from the idea. "Kid, it's dangerous," you began, your tone laced with concern. "I mean, I'm no expert at teaching, but that bow isn't a toy. You can't just go shooting arrows around like it's some kind of game."

You looked at Carl, your expression a mix of seriousness and a hint of worry. "Plus, your mom, well, she wouldn't be thrilled about it. She wants you to be safe, and shooting arrows might not be the best way to achieve that, you know?"

You rambled on, realizing you needed to drive home the point. "And, uh, I'm not exactly a great teacher. I might end up confusing you more than helping. We don't want you shooting arrows in the wrong direction or anything."

You paused, searching for more reasons to dissuade Carl. "And what if you accidentally shoot someone? We've got to be really careful with these things. It's not like shooting cans in the backyard; it's serious business." You hoped your explanations would make sense to Carl, even if he found math a bit dull.

Carl nodded, disappointment evident on his face. He leaned back too, and a silence hung in the air for a moment before Carl broke it with a quiet comment. "If my dad was still here, he'd teach me himself."

You felt a pang of sadness, knowing Rick would indeed have taken on that responsibility. Instead of dwelling on it, you offered Carl a deal. "Tell you what, if you never spill the beans, I'll let you crash in my tent tonight, and I might even let you touch my recurve bow. I'll throw in some stories too."

A bright smile broke across Carl's face, his eyes lighting up with enthusiasm. "Deal!" he exclaimed, perhaps a bit too loudly.

"Shush," You quickly shushed him, casting a cautious glance around the camp. "Keep it our secret, alright?" you whispered.

You sat cross-legged beside Carol, your eyes wide with curiosity as you observed the intricate dance of fingers weaving through Sophia's hair. Braiding had always been a mystery to you, an art form you never quite mastered. You remembered the painful attempts at braiding your own hair, resulting in tangled knots that brought tears to your eyes.

On the other side of the camp, Daryl diligently cleaned his arrows, occasionally glancing over at you. He couldn't help but notice the mix of curiosity and awe in your eyes, a look he'd grown accustomed to whenever he taught you something new. Teaching you had its challenges, though. While you were an attentive listener, your stubbornness often led you to forge your own path instead of following his instructions.

Today, Daryl planned to teach you the proper way to hold a hunting knife and perhaps introduce you to self-defense basics. Sticks would suffice for practice; he couldn't risk real knives causing harm.

Meanwhile, Carol skillfully braided Sophia's hair, and the little girl scampered off to play checkers with Carl. Yoh, impressed, couldn't help but applaud. "Well, isn't that something," you remarked.

Carol chuckled, dismissing the accomplishment. "Nothing fancy," she said modestly. "Just a skill I picked up along the way."

You, genuinely intrigued, decided to share your own struggles with braiding. "Honestly, every time I tried, it was like a war between me and my hair. And trust me, my hair won most of the battles."

Carol laughed, a warm sound that echoed across the camp. "You're not alone. I had my fair share of battles, especially when Sophia's hair started getting longer."

As Sophia happily played with Carl, you continued, "I never thought I would and will be able to braid someone else's hair, let alone a kid's. I mean, I can't even do it on my own hair."

Carol smirked, a playful glint in her eyes. "You never know. Maybe one day, when you have a daughter, you'll become a braiding expert."

Your eyes widened at the suggestion, and you let out a chuckle. "Me, a mom? Now, that's a scary thought."

Carol nudged her gently. "You might surprise yourself. Life's full of unexpected twists."

You shook your head, a faint smile playing on your lips. "I never thought about having a family in this world. It just seems... unfair, you know? Bringing a child into a world that's so broken."

Carol nodded thoughtfully, absorbing your perspective. "It's true, it's a different world now. But you know, kids have a way of bringing hope, even in the darkest times."

You sighed, a hint of sadness in your eyes. "I get that, but it just feels like I'd be bringing them into a world that's broken."

Carol placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. "Sometimes, bringing a new life into the world is a way of showing that we won't let this world break us completely."

"Yeah, what new life? What kind of life is that? A life where danger lurks at every turn, where 'normal' is just a memory? No, thanks." You shook your head.

Carol gave you a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "You know, maybe in all this mess, we find strengths we never knew we had. Having a kid? It's like saying to the world, 'You won't break us completely.'"

Your gaze softened, and for a moment, the weight of the world seemed to ease. "I never considered it that way. It's just... so different from what I imagined."

"Life's full of unexpected twists. Sometimes, the very thing we fear becomes our greatest source of strength." Carol said.

You sighed softly, your gaze fixed on the ground. "I guess you're right, Carol. But it's just hard to imagine finding strength in a world that's taken so much away. I never thought I'd be living this kind of life."

"Sometimes, strength emerges from the unexpected. It's what keeps us going."

Intrigued, you shifted you attention to Carol. "How did you find the strength to go on after everything happened?"

Carol smiled,  "Well, Sophia's the reason why I had to keep moving forward, you know?"

You nodded, absorbing Carol's words. Before you could delve deeper into the conversation, Carol steered it in a different direction.

"Speaking of moving forward, what's going on between you and Daryl? Spending time alone in the woods, coming back just before sunset. People are starting to talk."

You blinked in surprise, not catching the teasing undertone. "Oh, we're just practicing. Daryl's teaching me to hunt. Nothing more."

Carol's face showed momentary surprise before she composed herself. "Well, that explains it. I can't blame people for wondering. In this world, spending time together can be interpreted in different ways."

You chuckled, realizing the misunderstanding. "Yeah, it seems that way. But trust me, it's just hunting lessons."

Carol couldn't hide a mischievous smile. "Well, you know how people love to gossip."

You rolled your eyes. "Tell me about it. The last thing I need is camp drama. I'm just trying not to get eaten by geeks, you know?"

Carol laughed, but then a more serious expression crossed her face. "On a serious note, are you comfortable being alone with Daryl out there?"

Your eyes reflected a mix of confidence and trust. "Yeah, Daryl's not like his brother. He may seem gruff, but there's a lot more beneath the surface. I feel safe with him."

Carol's gaze softened. "Just be cautious. People might talk, but your safety comes first."

You grinned. "I've got it covered, Carol. No worries. Daryl's a tough teacher, but I'm learning."

Carol joined in the laughter. "Alright, just watch out for those raised eyebrows and whispers."

You nodded playfully. "I'll try not to let it bother me. Geeks are more of a concern, anyway."

"Hey, c'mon!" Daryl's voice cut through the camp, calling you to action. You swiftly grabbed the hunting knife Shane had given you, exchanged quick goodbyes with Carol, and playfully ruffled Carl's hair as you made her way to Daryl.

Walking alongside him into the woods, you couldn't resist making a quip to lighten the mood. "So, Daryl, think we'll run into any friendly geeks today?" You teased.

Daryl, in his usual gruff manner, shot you a glance. "Shut up."

You chuckled, undeterred by his stoicism. "Alright, Mr. Serious. Lead the way."

( divider by @cafekitsune )

@celtic-crossbow @maackiimoo @duckmania127 @xmaeyonaiise @richardsamboramylove55 @snailss

[tentavamp]

I don’t really make life updates on here because im not really like. “exciting” or on at reasonable times or up to date on what everyone’s talking about to join in on the conversation… or producing any content worth paying attention to… but my god i’m fucking going through it so im sorry but i need to write a little vent diary entry here.

I’m kinda half moved in with my paternal grandmother, because she’s at the age now where she needs some help here and she doesnt trust strangers, so my family enlisted me to help as sort of a little part time job thing that they would pay me for (they havent started paying me yet). I’ve been here a few weeks but all of my stuff, including my critters, are back home. it’s only 30 or so minutes away but it’s fucking me up.

I feel like I don’t live anywhere right now. all of my stuff is back home and i can’t keep constant vigil over my animals. my dad keeps calling me a hoarder and won’t just let me move all of my stuff here as if i actually WAS living here. i cant stay with my girlfriend because the longer im away the worse i feel and the more they imply im not fit to help her. i’m supposed to just doing small stuff around the house for my grandmother but somehow im not doing it good enough.

I’ve been hyper paranoid about listening out for any sounds that might mean that she needs my help. My sleep schedule is so fucked because of it.

But even though im fucking trying to be hyper aware at all times, she fell while she was getting up out of her chair this morning. it was at like 5 am and i didn’t hear her and wake up until like 7. i feel so fucking awful. im already wracked with so much guilt about not doing a good job and feeling guilty for being so depressed. im trying extremely hard to fend off those kinds of feelings towards myself but the longer the morning goes on im just getting more creeping dread and feel like i’m gunna have another breakdown. my last one was only last week. my girlfriend has to deal with it all because we’re trying to move out together and she’s one of the only people i can really talk to. i cant express this to my parents.

I’m so emotionally exhausted, tired, haven’t really been eating when i should. i feel isolated and ive been trying to focus on myself to do things with friends but if i go out too much i feel guilty. i feel fucking trapped and i want to leave so bad, but i cant until me and my girlfriend are able to finalize our plans to move.

It sounds so awful to say this but for my grandma’s sake I hope she passes peacefully soon. She hates living like this, she tells me that she doesn’t know why god has kept her here and given her all of these ailments that she’s suffering from. She simultaneously feels smothered by her kids and like she’s a burden to all of us. And as much as I don’t want her to die, I don’t want her to have to live like this anymore, and it’s hard for me to live like this seeing her suffer.

Frankly I do not know what to do and I have been too tired to interact with people. I just feel really hollow in an extremely complex way right now. I feel like I’m tangled up in knots that I can’t undo.

[cyberbenb]

Living in ‘uncertainty and despair’: How war affects mental health of Ukrainians

Viktoriia Borodai can not recall the last time she experienced “real joy.”

She has lived in “uncertainty and despair” ever since Russia’s all-out war forced her to flee Kramatorsk, her hometown in Donetsk Oblast, last March.

Seeking shelter in different towns across Ukraine and watching how Russian troops bombard her beloved hometown emotionally drained Borodai so badly that she now struggles to get out of bed in the morning.

She also cries a lot when watching the news or thinking about her life before the war.

“I feel how strongly the war has affected my mental health. I don’t know how everyone else is doing, but I don’t feel well,” Borodai told the Kyiv Independent.

“It is difficult for me psychologically. In recent months, I have been thinking of turning to a psychiatrist or taking antidepressants,” she says.

Borodai is not the only one who struggles: Russia’s all-out invasion left millions of Ukrainians displaced. Many have lost their loved ones or faced violence while living under Russian occupation.

The World Health Organization (WHO) says that 22% of people who have “experienced war or other conflicts in the previous 10 years will have depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.”

As for Ukraine, WHO expects that roughly 9.6 million people “may have a mental health condition."

In June last year, Health Minister Viktor Liashko forecasted that around 15 million Ukrainians would need psychological support in the future, and up to 4 million would require prescribed medical treatment.

“Even those who were able to withstand the first months of the war will suffer mental exhaustion because getting used to being in a constant war can also have a negative impact on mental health,” Liashko said.

In a comment to the Kyiv Independent, the Health Ministry said that experts estimate that 40-50% of the Ukrainian population would need various forms of psychological support: “In particular, 1.8 million people among military personnel and veterans, 7 million among older people, and about 4 million of children and teenagers."

First Lady Olena Zelenska says the cost of Ukrainian “invincibility�� is not just the lives of military and civilians but also the “mental health of the entire nation.”

“Most Ukrainians have already suffered from anxiety disorders, and now not only military personnel but also civilians in towns and villages have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) — from children who saw the death of their parents to adults whose whole family was killed by the Russian shelling. From people who survived abuse during the occupation to those who lost arms, legs, and health,” Zelenska wrote on Facebook in June.

How psychologists risk their lives to help victims of Russian attacks

When Russia’s drone strike hit a residential building in central Kyiv on the morning of Oct. 17, emergency workers turned up at the scene within minutes. As rescuers worked to put out the fire and clear out the rubble of the severely damaged high-rise apartment complex, medics provided first aid

The Kyiv IndependentDaria Shulzhenko

Stress and trauma

Hearing loud explosions for the first time and seeing the destruction, even on photographs, hit many Ukrainians very hard in the first hours of the full-scale invasion.

Psychiatrist Olha Ishchuk says she received many calls from her clients on Feb. 24, 2022.

“There were many panic attacks and anxiety,” Ishchuk says.

She had to arrange short “emergency” sessions to provide the clientele with mental health assistance. During the 15-minute calls, Ishchuk taught people specific actions such as breathing techniques and physical exercises to improve their “emotional, physical, and mental state.”  

“I needed to help people there and then,” she says.  

Another psychiatrist, Sofiia Vlokh, says many people, herself included, felt anxious at the beginning of the war, as they were overwhelmed with “uncertainty and feared for their future.” It was a normal reaction, she says.

“It was our reaction to the unknown… To the events we could not change."

A woman cries, standing outside of her house in Chernihiv Oblast, damaged by the Russian attack in the spring of 2022. (Photo by Alexey Furman/Getty Images)

As the Russian invasion continued with all its destruction and war crimes, it weighed ever harder on Ukrainians' mental health, experts say.

According to a survey published by the Health Ministry last September, “over 90% of respondents had at least one symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder."

Vlokh says many people are coping with various anxiety disorders and trauma-cased issues: “The more traumatic and stressful the events are, the more anxious the thoughts are,” she says.

Ishchuk notices more people experiencing apathy and having “no power, no resources at all, even to continue living.” She also gets many requests from people complaining that they can no longer experience joy, just like Borodai.

For many, there is also an “extreme feeling of guilt” for doing or feeling something pleasant during the war, Ishchuk says.

“Unfortunately, suicidal behavior and suicidal thoughts have become more frequent."

Various sleep disorders are also among the frequent problems experienced by Ukrainians. Many people struggle with insomnia, or on the contrary, waking up, Ishchuk says.

Yuliia Novik, 39, from Kyiv, barely slept at night last year. Lying in bed, all she could do was stare at the ceiling, trying to cope with countless anxious thoughts and worrying about her loved ones.

“Having no desire for anything, the uncertainty of the future — all of that was running through my mind over and over again,” Novik says.  

“I could fall asleep only for a few hours in the morning. That was when I simply dozed off."

Russia’s all-out war “ended” Novik’s usual life: She lost her job and was forced to flee Kyiv with her parents and 10-year-old son to start life from scratch in a foreign country.

Her severe sleep problems came from stress and soon resulted in a general health decline, constant anxiety, and occasional panic attacks.

“I felt that my nervous system simply could not cope with all that,” Novik says.

Covered by dead bodies of his relatives, 4-year-old boy survives Russian attack

When Russian forces opened fire on the peaceful village of Oskil, Kharkiv Oblast, on March 27, Svitlana Voshchana realized her friend’s home was under attack. When the attack stopped, she rushed to their home, hoping the family had managed to hide. Stepping into their yard, she saw the house

The Kyiv IndependentDaria Shulzhenko

Seeking help

It’s normal to feel anxious during an imminent threat like an air raid alert. But when a person struggles with anxiety, apathy, depression or inability to concentrate for over two weeks, it might be time to see a therapist, according to Vlokh.

“We have many free psychological services, and from my experience, people now really want to take care of their mental health,” Vlokh says.

Kyiv-based nonprofit UA Mental Help provides free psychological assistance. Founded shortly after the start of the full-scale invasion, the charity started off posting self-care tips on social media but now also provides consultations with therapists.

The charity’s founder, Olha Yudina, says they have received over 4,700 requests from Ukrainians since the start of the full-scale war, over 3,000 of which were made in 2023.

“We see a certain demand for psychological assistance,” Yudina says.

People escape the building damaged by the Russian missile attack on Kryvyi Rih, Dnipropetrovsk Oblast, on June 13, 2023. (Photo by Stas Yurchenko/Anadolu Agency via Getty Images)

Seeking psychological help was not common in Ukraine before the 2022 invasion. In a 2017 report, the World Bank concluded that Ukraine’s “poor mental health” was tightly interconnected with poverty, unemployment, and feelings of insecurity,” adding that it was also compounded by the effects of Russia’s war in Donbas.

“There is a lack of community level mental health care and limited provision of mental health care and support by non-specialized staff such as general doctors and family physicians,” reads the report.

Yudina notes that over 50% of their clients have applied for psychological assistance for the first time in their lives and that the war impacts people of all ages: A couple of weeks ago, the team received a request from a 90-year-old man.

According to Yudina, “excessive fear,” anxiety, and depression symptoms are among the most common issues people seek help with.

‘It was hell.’ Mother speaks of rescuing her child from Russian captivity

On Oct. 8, Tetiana Bodak was busy organizing a funeral for her mother, who was killed by a Russian attack in then-occupied Kherson Oblast, when she got an unexpected and very emotional phone call from her son. “Mom, I’m in Oleshky (a Russian-occupied settlement in Kherson Oblast). On the way

The Kyiv IndependentDaria Shulzhenko

UA Mental Help tries to increase well-being and lower psychological distress to the point where it does not prevent a person from “living and being a part of society.”

“Because depending on how people feel, that’s how they perceive the world,” Yudina says.

Many businesses in Ukraine have also launched mental health support programs for their employees.

The Ukrainian branch of the international IT company MobiDev, for instance, started such a program for their employees last March, offering them some guidelines, lectures with psychologists, as well as options to “rest and recover without losing a job,” such as the sabbatical leave, the company’s HR team leader Anastasiia Khlopko told the Kyiv Independent.

“People’s condition is greatly influenced by their ability to rest, so we remind them about vacations,” Khlopko says. “It is possible to take sick leave, even if a person feels bad not only physically but also mentally."

On the state level, First Lady Zelenska launched a campaign called “How are you?” to raise awareness of mental health care’s importance and share some self-help recommendations. One can also find various hotlines for psychological assistance on the campaign’s website.

There is an online map with medical facilities providing such services across Ukraine. According to Health Minister Liashko, over 17,000 Ukrainians have applied for state-funded psychological support since the start of 2023.

Even though professional help is often crucial, there are ways people can help themselves on their own too.

Vlokh says connecting with loved ones helps a lot in many cases.

“Humor is also a great tool to feel better,” she says.

Meditations, breathing techniques, and simple physical exercises can help relieve stress. Also, not thinking about the future but doing something that has an immediate impact, like making a donation, might help as well, according to Vlokh.

Novik says that after fleeing abroad, she first gave herself some time to breathe. Then, she started walking a lot and spent most of the time with her son. Soon, she could again listen to music and do sports — something she enjoyed a lot before the war.

She has recently gone into therapy and finally started sleeping at night.

“Do not expect that you will simply stop suffering at one point,” Novik says.

“Find something to distract, like painting or learning, and take small steps to start living again."

A woman cries as she walks past a building damaged by the Russian attack on Odesa on July 23, 2023. (Photo by Oleksandr Gimanov/AFP via Getty Images)

Worth fighting for

Despite the many struggles posed by Russia’s aggression, experts say Ukrainians have adapted to living in wartime conditions.

“Yes, there are more disorders, but in general, if you look at Ukrainians, our psyche is very flexible,” says Vlokh.

“I think everyone has already found their own way of staying balanced."

Psychiatrist Anna Vashchuk, who manages psychological services at UA Mental Help, says that around 50% of people who experienced trauma can even have post-traumatic growth.

“These (traumatic) events change our functioning so much, they affect our perception of life so much that sometimes we can see something important in our life and even improve it,” Vashchuk explains.

However, to have that post-traumatic growth, people need to start taking care of their mental health now, according to Vashchuk.  

She says it’s crucial for people to understand that the more quality help they the more supported they will feel and the more likely they are to have post-traumatic growth in the future.  

“And so our country will grow, even during such painful events,” Vashchuk says.

If mental health is neglected, post-war Ukrainian society might expect suicides, depression, behavioral disorders, and aggression on a massive scale, according to Ishchuk.

She also estimates that after the war is over, there might be a “new wave” of psychological disorders if all Ukrainian territories are liberated and more Russian war crimes are revealed.

“But if we plan and forecast correctly, it will be possible to reduce the consequences,” she says.

Military psychologist Andriy Kozinchuk says Ukrainians need to learn to take care of themselves since “now we take care of everything but ourselves."

“We still lack the awareness that we need to fight for our mental health because it is worth it,” Kozinchuk says.

“If you don’t work on it, you will be unhappy,” he goes on. “We do deserve to be happy."

How Russian soldiers shared evidence of their own war crime

Editor’s note: This story is the first account of the Kyiv Independent’s contributor, Anthony Bartaway, who witnessed Russian shelling targeting volunteers during relief efforts following the destruction of the Kakhovka dam and the ensuing devastating flooding in Kherson Oblast. After Russian force…

The Kyiv IndependentAnthony Bartaway

Note from the author:

Hi! Daria Shulzhenko here. I wrote this piece for you. Ever since the first day of Russia’s all-out war, I have been working almost non-stop to tell the stories of those affected by Russia’s brutal aggression. By telling all those painful stories, we are helping to keep the world informed about the reality of Russia’s war against Ukraine. By becoming the Kyiv Independent’s member, you can help us continue telling the world the truth about this war.

[may-day-voice]

Mother's Day

w/ Izuku Midoriya, Shouto Todoroki & Katsuki Bakugou

please do not repost, but you have permission to reblog :)

• Watch/ Listen on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Fu2ifujKQI4

• Read on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/1109387237-oneshots-pro-hero-au-172732014-mother%27s-day

IZUKU MIDORIYA | Potluck Brunch

"Do you think that this is too much?"

"I'm sure it's fine."

Midoriya's smile warmed the chilliest of mornings while the cherry blossoms began to drift in the spring breeze. It was a busy start to the day grocery shopping for a surprise brunch he wanted to make for his mother. That did however include having to wake at four in the morning to peruse through the markets for the freshest ingredients.

You yawned loudly while carrying various shopping bags on hand, eyeing Midoriya carrying the more heavier ingredients with him - mostly the meat.

"Still trying to wake up?" Asked Midoriya.

"Just trying to slip back into my old routine," you explained, nuzzling your nose into your scarf. "I used to clean my equipment every two days at the break of dawn."

"You used to clean your guns?"

"Dismantle and put them back together too. I used to time myself."

You spoke casually and nonchalantly about those memories, recalling that competitive feeling to beat your time again and again. However, you heard nothing from Midoriya, finding that he only stared at you quizzically.

"What? I was... bored," you slowly explained, a little embarrassed about the topic.

"That explains your reaction time," pondered Midoriya, his eyes staring upwards in thought. "Constant practice and muscle memory would only make them second nature to you."

"Are you theorizing now?"

"Hehe, maybe a little."

You grimaced and yet smiled at Midoriya, bumping your hip into his playfully. He was still the observant and analytical man, always putting forward his ingenuity over his Quirk.

Soon, the both of you made your way to his old family home in an apartment complex, taking the elevator up before approaching the very familiar front door to his mother's. After a knock or two, the door opened, revealing a short woman whose eyes upon seeing the both of you, smiled happily.

"Izuku," she greeted, receiving a large hug from Midoriya.

"Nice to see you mum," he spoke, pulling away for you to greet her as well.

"So good to see you Inko," you cooed with a gentle hug. "Hope we haven't disturbed you."

"Oh nonsense, what's all this?" She asked, eyeing all of the bags in hand.

"Happy Mother's Day," cheered Midoriya while he lifted the heavier bags in hand. "We're going to treat you with potluck brunch."

"Izuku had this planned over the last week," you explained with another yawn escaping your throat. "Nothing but the best ingredients."

Inko glanced between yourself and Midoriya, along with all of the ingredients on hand in astonishment, before her eyes pricked with tears. You contemplated whether she was growing upset, however she closed in for another hug, sharing it between the both of you.

"You two work so hard. You didn't need to do this," she cried in happiness. Because of her short height, you glanced at Midoriya who was also standing awkwardly from the hug, finding that smile on his face again.

"We wanted to," he comforted while he gently pulled away, allowing Inko to release her sudden hold before he entered the apartment. "We'll take care of the cooking and cleaning."

"Today is meant for you," you reassured her, following Midoriya with a smile. "You don't lift a finger at all."

"As long as Cutie doesn't grill a cake," he teased from within, causing your shoulders to stiffen from the twang of embarrassment.

"Huh?" uttered Inko in confusion.

"Hey! It was only once!"

SHOUTO TODOROKI | Visiting Hours

Entering into the hospital ward still felt like an odd experience. Already having bypassed the reception desk with ease, Todoroki and yourself brought a few gifts for the occasion, including a small bouquet of Autumn Bellflowers.

"Have your brother and sister visited already?" You asked curiously with the resonant sounds of footsteps filling the halls.

"Natsu visited after work, and Fuyumi spent the day with Mum yesterday," bluntly replied Todoroki.

"That's good."

Todoroki eyed a smile on your lips, the both of you walking side by side while he smiled to himself. He cherished these little stares he could steal to see you happy next to him, hoping for you to slowly become more ingrained in his life now that you were engaged.

"What?" You uttered, catching his eye on you.

"Nothing," he replied, still with a warm smile.

Soon, Room 315 was in sight before Todoroki knocked on the door, opening it for you to enter first. You spotted his mother by the window, enjoying the gifts that were brought over the past day until her tired yet calm eyes spotted you by the door.

"Welcome," she greeted, walking up to you with open arms and hugging you. That was unexpected. You quipped in surprise, before she gently released you to turn to her son.

"Hello Mum," cooly greeted Todoroki.

"Please sit," invited Rei, pulling you gently by the arm to seat you by the dining table while Todoroki placed the bouquet of flowers elsewhere. Though the tug of Rei's hands were gentle, it held purpose. You felt it in her grip, in the tiny fingertips while she pulled you into the room.

Something wasn't odd, but it was different.

"How are you both?" She asked with delight.

"Aside from work, we've been doing fine," replied Todoroki.

"Yeah, there's been a hiccup, but nothing that we couldn't handle with some old friends," you added with a smile.

"I've seen the news," started Rei, her eyes dulling a little from her thoughts. "That man that is causing a mess, there's no sign of him?"

You turned to Todoroki, catching his eye once more before he joined the table, calmly holding onto his mother's hands.

"The Commission's got eyes on him. We'll find him soon," he reassured, receiving a calm

smile from his mother. "How are you going, Mum?"

"I've been well. Natsuo brought over some gifts and Fuyumi visited with some delicious treats and meals." Rei's eyes turned to Todoroki, filled with a sadness you had seen time and time before. "Your father came by as well, only for a short while though."

"I see," shortly replied Todoroki.

"Will you be slowly moving back to the estate?" You asked out of the blue, catching Rei off guard. "I mean, there's a place there for you, and maybe it's good to stay close with... family."

"Very soon," replied Rei without hesitation. "It's a shame. I was hoping to see you more often."

"Oh, I mean I don't live far from the hospital so if ever you need anything I'm a phone call away."

A silence befell the room, one that felt odd, like how Rei held your hand not too long ago.

"What?"

"Oh it's not that I don't appreciate the offer, but I would've thought Shouto would have invited the suggestion to you," explained Rei with that content smile, almost similar to the ones she gave on Todoroki's birthday.

"Love, would you like to move in with me?" Asked Todoroki from beside you without warning and without fail.

A stammer stopped your mouth from forming comprehensible words, taken back by the question. You looked between the two, spotting that content and warm smile on mother and son. Ones that you couldn't object or argue with. This was supposed to be Mother's Day.

"This is the best gift yet," commented Rei, smiling gently at your flabbergasted reaction.

KATSUKI BAKUGOU | Future In-Laws

Both Bakugou and yourself stood by the front door of his old family home, having arranged half a day to visit his mother for Mother's Day. You noticed how blue the sky was, how bright the sun shone, and how calm the Neighbourhood felt.

If only Bakugou was as cheerful.

You eyed him every once in a while, his face unchanging with that scowl etched in his brow. It wasn't his normal, usual, aggravated self. It was more of a-

"What?" He growled, his eyes glancing into yours.

"Nothing," you responded coolly with a smile.

"Don't gloat."

"I'm not."

"If that hag says anything, we're walking back home."

A snort escaped your nostrils, a small one but nonetheless one that continued to bubble into your shoulders. "I love your parents," you commented.

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"You're here!" Exclaimed Mitsuki, causing a cringe on Bakugou's snarl but a smile from yours.

"Hi Mitsuki!" You chirped, hugging the woman by the door.

"Oh hush, you can call me Mum now."

"Mum?"

"Shut up hag," reacted Bakugou with a snarl. "They're not calling you that."

"I give them my consent, Katsuki. You have no say in the matter," snarked Mitsuki.

The tension was, well, insurmountably tense, standing between two very aggressive individuals in a staring contest. Until you spotted a familiar set of eyes from inside the house, waving meekly despite his tall stature.

"Hi Masaru," you greeted with a wave of your own.

"I see the day has started," he commented while his eyes worriedly observed the growling match his wife and son were dealing with by the door. You only chuckled until-

"Oh, you can call him Dad now, or Pop whichever you prefer," mused Mitsuki with a chirp, with no sign of aggravation on her face or in her voice.

"Honey, they don't have to call me-"

"No, I won't accept it. Our Katsuki has found his one and only, so they're now a part of the family!"

"Will you shut it you old hag?" Interrupted Bakugou again. "They're not calling you that, and they don't want to."

"You're not the voice of reason here, you brat! Even as a man, you're still a child!"

You stuttered at the sudden change and turn of phrase every so often. The thought crossed your mind that you would've been so used to this family dynamic now. But there were some things you hoped you weren't the center of attention for. That was difficult when you were between Bakugou and his mother.

You gently held onto Bakugou's arm, pressing your body against it in hopes to comfort him while you smiled at Mitsuki.

"Why don't we cross that bridge when we cross the threshold?" You suggested. "After all it's your day today and we are happy to spend it with you out of our Hero schedules."

A deep sigh escaped Mitsuki's lips while she smiled back at you. "Of course, I still think that you're now a part of the Bakugou family, so no pressure when you're comfortable with the new names."

"You'll hear it straight from me," you reassured, causing a giggle to erupt from Mitsuki.

"Splendid, come on in." Mitsuki skipped inside the family home, leaving Bakugou and yourself by the door to spot Masaru following after her, mouthing his thanks to you.

You felt Bakugou's aggressive and tense nature wash away while you held onto his arm throughout the small conversation with Mitsuki, tenderly rubbing your hand against his skin before you noticed his stare on you.

"You okay?" You asked with a smile.

"Yeah, no thanks to that hag," he retorted. "But... thanks."

"Always here for you."

You felt his large hand intertwine with yours, fingers pressed together, palms touching. A smirk appeared on Bakugou's lips before he led you into his old family home, a place you had become acquainted with for years, now stepping into it as his fiancé.

[wonunuu]

iris beauty ❀

34: they hugged

✎ synopsis: falling for a guy is never easy, especially when your best friend of many years basically claimed him; you and mina have been friends for as long as you can remember, but your loyalty and trust are tested when she asks you to pretend to be her in meeting a guy she had been talking to online and you unintentionally start to develop feelings for him.

✎ genre: romance, angst, comedy

✎ pairing: reader x yoon jeonghan

✎ word count: 1k+

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Two weeks later.

"Hey, guys! It's me." You say. Grumbling, you lay down on the grass, sighing afterwards. "I'm doing fine... Well, not really," you trailed off.

7 years ago today, the unthinkable happened to your parents, leaving you an orphan. As medical professionals, they were assigned to take on a project—it was to vaccinate and immunize people living in remote regions of the province. They had multiple destinations, including villages that populated the sides of mountains. That didn’t stop them though. They were determined to travel long distances to help those people; it was their duty. However, as they were driving down the mountain to return home, the brake of their car stopped working, causing them to speed down the hill. 

That night, you waited until morning, but they never came. When Mina’s parents got the news, they tried to explain what had happened, but you were just a young girl—you didn’t understand the complexities of life, let alone death. How did they expect you to understand that you will not see your parents again? That they will never come home? At first, you didn’t. So, every night, you would sit in front of the door, patiently waiting for your name to be called by the same voice who sang to you until you fell asleep. You waited until you were picked up by the same arms who held you first and rocked you to sleep. You waited for that familiar scent that made you feel safe, like home. You waited, and waited, and waited, but the voice never called out your name, the arms never picked you up, and the scent never passed through your nose. 

That’s when it hit you. They were gone; the people you trusted everything with, your best friends, the people you called mom and dad were gone. You were alone.

You lay down on the grass, checking for any garbage or debris you might accidentally lay on. You turn to your side, facing the arched-shaped stone carved with letters of your parent's name. You trace along with the letters as you start to rant, "I have shit friends." You let out a chuckle, attempting to hold back the tears behind your eyes.

"Mina blames me for meeting Jeonghan while she was gone, and she's also mad because I like him. But that's out of my control... She kicked me out anyway," you say nonchalantly as if it wasn't a huge deal. 

"I went to Josh's, but that was no better. It turns out he's been lying to me about Jeonghan." Pausing to take a breath, as you lay back on your back, watching as the clouds above pass by. 

Since the day you and Jeonghan found out about Mina and Jeonghan's plan to keep you apart, the two have been nowhere to be found. No one knows if they left separately or planned it together. Seungkwan and the rest believe it's the latter, and considering the past events, you too, think they might have left together. 

Though you do miss the presence of your two so-called best friends, there is a part of you that is happy they are gone. With the help of Vernon, Chan and Seungkwan, they made you realize how fucked up Mina's actions were—from asking you to pretend to be her, to blaming you for getting caught and kicking you out. As well as Joshua's betrayal. Now, thinking about it just made your blood boil to the point that you feel they might evaporate from your body. You know that forgiving them is going to be hard—or, did you want to forgive them? 

"Would I take it back if I had the chance? And bring Mina and Joshua back?" You think out loud as if they'll answer you. "I do miss them, but I wouldn't take it back, ever. Now, I have friends who genuinely care about me. There's also this guy named Jeonghan."

A smile instantly forms on your face as you picture his face in your head. It's safe to say that your "jeelings" never fade away. 

"He's really cute... and nice... and-"

“YN.” A familiar voice calls out from a distance, causing you to jump. You hurriedly stood up and looked around for the owner of the voice. You were surprised to see that it's Jeonghan. You certainly were not expecting him here. 

He is wearing his long coat, holding a white vase filled with purple iris flowers. He walks to where you were previously lying down and places the vase beside the cement. 

“Jeonghan, what are you doing here?” You ask as he approaches closer to where you were standing. He doesn’t answer you. Instead, he kneels in front of your parents' tombs and talks.

“When we found out that my father was very sick, we accepted it right away because we knew that there was nothing we could do to help him given our financial situation. My hopes for him were dissipating as the days passed by. But because of you, he lived longer than we had expected. Because of you, I was able to be a son for my father for a longer time. Mr. and Mrs. YLN, I know I am very late, but I want to thank you for the kindness that you have shown towards my family, especially my father. In return, I promise that I will look after your daughter like you did with my father. I will give her everything that she wants, and be there for her when she needs me.”

As you listen to Jeonghan, memories of a little boy and his father walking to your parents’ clinic flashed through your brain. You remember the boy you played with as your parents examined their patients—the boy who always took home your toys, and gave them back when he returned the next week. You couldn’t believe that was Jeonghan. 

Jeonghan stood up, smiling as he stared at your shocked figure. "Do you finally remember me now?" He asks and you nod in response, still too shocked to formulate words. 

He reaches out for something in his pocket and hands it to you. You reach out, hands open to accept the mysterious item. You soon realize that it's the same toy car you had given him when he last visited. 

"You still have this?" You ask, not taking your eye away from the toy. 

"Of course," he grins. "You told me to keep it safe since it was your favourite one." 

You continue to inspect the car in your hand as Jeonghan fondly watches you. 

"YN?"

"Hmm?" 

"Can I hug you?", Jeonghan asks shyly. You nod as a smile spreads across your face. 

Jeonghan closes in the space between you and wraps his arms engulfing you. You hugged him back, snaking your arms around his waist as you closed your eyes. As you inhaled his scent, it reminded you of your childhood, your parents, his father—home. Everything about the hug felt unreal, but it also felt right. Like this, right here with him, is where you belong. 

———————————————————

tags:

@yyxyzti @acciofirewhiskey @doiewonu @shuajeong @wooziverse @boogyuu @rjsmochii i @haniehae @twentysixofmays @suhfluffy @dancingddays @lovingyu04 @sydneyy-jade @itsdnguyenxoxo @fluffyhyeju @haoraecane @dy-mglzz @1800zuho @t-secretpot @floweryjeons @yaebbinnie @t-secretpot @not-sojoyuus @xcalicoups @ryuyalana @bubblywonu @youbloominsideofme @lavenonie @winternight-wonwoo @yoonzinow @mariecoura @juji-han @strawbinnie-shortcake @isa499 @pseudoyop @serenadesvt @glouraeswei @glowingjaehyun @sunflowergyeomie @kunmaid @apricottulips @hao-ling @cheolright @pancakeandfrogs @yanniezx @jeonjungkaka @sunflower-euphro @monstathedisco

unable to tag: @tyongs @jeongjungkaka @jammyjamjamss @hauntedprincessarbiter @scoffingscully

[ronnie-azumane]

Haikyuu guys as stuff my dad did

This idea has been in my brain for a while, so I'm writing it out. Hope y'all enjoy :)

CW: idn, its pretty wholesome

Daichi answers your frantic phone call home expressing that you forgot your backpack and laptop for college when you went home over the weekend. Expressing that all of your notes are in the backpack, he decides to wake-up extra early Monday morning and make the 2 1/2 hour drive to your university, then drive all the way back to your hometown to go to work.

Sugawara came up with the best hiding spot for you while playing hide and seek at your 7th birthday party. He squeezed you in-between the back of the couch and the back couch cushions. Then, he sat in front of it to conceal the awkward lump it made in the couch. It took the others 30 minutes before giving up and telling you to come out.

Asahi asks you to style his hair for a zoom meeting he has later that day. After some deliberation, you both decide to do a mohawk style. He braces himself as you run off to get the brush, hairspray, hair gel, and hairdryer.

Nishinoya still wears the Annoying Orange shirt you got him when you were in 3rd grade. It's faded and has a giant picture of Annoying Orange on it, which faded from popularity in 2010, but he still wears it. In public.

Tanaka makes the dumbest jokes while in the audience of your colorguard/dance competitions. For example, he asked your mom if he should shout "Go get 'em George" to the group of girls performing to confuse everyone. Another favorite joke o his is to chant "the worm, the worm,, we worship the worm" while the previous team is carrying out their floor.

Ennoshida talks with you as you make one of the biggest changes in your life. Midway through your second semester at university, you determine that business is not for you, however, you do not have a backup plan. Talking with him, you end up changing your major to Geography, and now you love every second of it.

Kageyama drinks the milk out of you cereal. You hate the taste of milk by itself, but you don't want to eat dry cereal. To not waste milk, he drinks it after you finish eating your cereal.

Hinata fails miserably when your mom tells him to reapply the medical glue on your forehead. The day before, your sister threw a wooden block at you, causing a major tear in your head. Your mom took you to the emergency room, but they were busy and it was a school night, so they told her to just take some liquid band aid (which we called glue) and close the wound. Your mom told him to replace the glue, and he took ELMERS GLUE and placed it on the open wound. It hurt like a bitch.

Tsukishima takes you to go see the museum of natural history once a month. He knows you're the odd girl out of your class that would rather play with dinosaurs than dolls, so he takes you to see the dinosaur fossils. He also gets a discount because his place of work donated a significant amount of money and resources to one of the exhibits.

Yamaguchi helped set up your setup once you moved to zoom university. He attached your laptop to a monitor his job had extra, so now you feel like a badass whenever you use the two screens.

Oikawa out of nowhere invites all his high school friends over to stay the week at your house. A trip that probably should have been planned in weeks, even months, is planned in just a weekend. Everyone ends up sleeping on air mattresses and blankets on the floor due to your mom just finishing up replacing the floors in the house (she was not too happy with the sudden trip, but was welcoming anyway)

Iwaizumi makes you watch Godzilla with him whenever it's on TV. Some of his fondest memories include receiving Godzilla themed ornaments from his mom ever Christmas. He also unironically watches those cheesy fan-made Godzilla fights on YouTube for hours on end. Man just likes Godzilla.

Hanamaki and you wear funny hats to a volunteer cookout. The organizers told every one to wear a hat so that their hair didn't get in the food, but you two take it a step further. You wear a banana hat while he wears a hotdog hat.

Matsukawa taught you how to make all kinds of breakfast food at a young age. Whether it was a simple as a fried egg or as complex as French toast, he worked with you until the recipe came out perfect.

Kyotani scares the other parents off when it comes to the silent auction selling the class are projects. Now the shelf you and your kindergarten classmates fingerprinted flowers and bugs on sits proudly in your closet holding crafting supplies.

Ushijima scolds you for leaving the lights on. Most parents do that already, but he takes it to a new extreme. Your mom explains that he would never turn the lights on in his apartment when he was in college and would simply get his homework done before dark. Sometimes, if he had something to do, he would light a candle to finish something up.

Tendou recalls a story in which he stole a bus battery with his buddies to power an air conditioned tent at boy scout camp. He also recalls the year he and his friends tried to build a pool in the wilderness at the same count, only to get caught and reprimanded for it before filling it with water which totally had nothing to do with a camp counselor finding it and having a Vietnam flashback

Goshiki watches anime with you. He always acts like he is uninterested in whatever show is on, but he soon gets super into it and it will be the only thing he talks about for a week.

Kuroo sits at the table with you until 2am working on that math assignment you have been struggling with. You've definitely run out of tears to cry, and had to redo the assignment twice, but he is guiding you through the answers

Yaku isn't a fan of all the pets you and your mom have collected over the years. I mean, in his defense, at one point we had 8 cats an 3 dogs. However, he is also super cuddly with them, always giving them nose boops and belly rubs.

Kenma plays Xbox, Wii, and the ds with you. He doesn't find the bulk of the games you play with him entertaining, but he is willing to run through LEGO Star Wars with you. His personal favorite to play is Mario Kart and he doesn't let you win >:(

Lev is trying to convince the family to let him take the position in Alaska with higher pay. When mom raised the concern that the long winters wouldn't do well for your mental health, his counter argument was, "Yeah, and that sucks, but hear me out. We could have a pet Polar Bear." We didn't move to Alaska

Bokuto was definitely the most enthusiastic dad at the girl scout father daughter dance. He twirled you around in your pretty little JC Penney dress and made sure you two were the center of the dance floor. At one point, he lifted you above his head with each foot in a hand like a cheerleader. Truly terrifying.

Akaashi drives out to the 24-hour pharmacy to pick up some cold medicine when you couldn't sleep due to a stuffy nose. He also checks up on you every hour when you are coughing with some mysterious disease (due to the lack of tests and priority of the high-risk, I will never know if I had Covid when I got sick in late March)

Aone gives you the biggest hug after you get released from the graduation ceremony. He isn't the best with words, so this hug speaks so much to you.

Terushima has been taking you to Mardi Gras in New Orleans since you were a baby. He doesn't care that it's mostly an adult party, he believes that everyone in the family should enjoy a good ol' Mardi Gras

Atsumu carries you on his shoulders all the time when you're small. He just thinks it's the cutest thing.

Osamu makes sure to host a crawfish boil every year. Whether its the neighbors, family, both, or just the household, you can expect some good, spicy crawfish with corn and potatoes whenever he cooks.

Kita teaches you how to drive a stick shift. He's frustrated that you cant move three feet before stalling, but then realizes that the issue was that you were in third gear, not first. He is now impressed that you were even able to start moving at third gear.

Sakusa takes you along with him to work. His job is full of tough men, so when they see him with you in a little blue dress-up tutu and a plastic tiara on your head, their hearts just melt.

[dreamescapeswriting]

Unfinished Business ~ Part 4

WORD COUNT: 4.5K

WARNINGS: Mentions of mafia, strong language, murder, blood

PAIRING: Bang Chan X Reader

DESCRIPTION: Part four of nine of my new Bang Chan series. 

You’re taken hostage but one of Seoul’s leading mafia families Bang Chan but he doesn’t take you because he wants to fake a marriage or make you fall for him in 365 days no…He wants to use you for his own personal gain. To take over another family but when you try to escape things take a turn for the worst and you learn Chan isn’t one to be messed with.(Please I suck at describing stuff)

THEMES: Smut will be included in a later chapter so this is a fic for a mature audience, Chan x Fem!Reader, Self insert

MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

The next morning you were walked down to the breakfast table as though you were some kind of prisoner, Seungmin apologised when he had to take you but you kept your mouth shut not wanting to breathe a word to anyone after last night. You hadn't slept at all, you couldn't get the images out of your head. It was hard to move something like that from your mind, she was like family to you and just like that she was gone. Sitting at the table was Chan, he was reading through something you didn't care about so you sat down where the empty plate was and it was soon being plated with food by Felix who gave you a sympathetic look. They all knew what had happened inside of that room and yet did nothing to help you stop it.

"How's your ankle?" Chan asked not lifting his eyes from the paper he was reading from, searching for any news on Namjoon or about what had happened with Mrs Lu - there was nothing there. He wanted to move his eyes from the paper though, he wanted to look at you and see that you were okay. He knew you wouldn't speak much after what he'd put you through the night before. He knew that it was harsh but it was what had to be done, even after a lengthy conversation with Felix about it, it was what was needed.

"Fine." You mumbled taking the cup of tea that had been poured for you by Jeongin and sipping on it ignoring the burning sensation on your tongue as the liquid hit it,

"Eat something," He said firmly, finally glancing at you from across the table, he could already tell you hadn't slept. Your hair was thrown up in a messy ponytail, you were wearing sweats and a baggy shirt not to mention you had bags under your eyes, Felix said he'd heard you crying when it was his shift so that explained your eyes looking so bloodshot and your nose being red.

"Is the bedroom not to your standards? I can have a new bed brought in if you'd sleep better on it?" You hated that his voice was laced with concern for you and your wellbeing when he'd been nothing but mean from the moment you came to him - or rather were kidnapped by him.

"It's fine. Couldn't sleep. Nightmares." Your voice was monotone as you stared at the plate in front of you not wanting to eat anything that had been placed in front of you.

"I'm not hungry. Can I leave the table?" It felt as though you were talking to your parents when you were younger,

"Not until you eat something. You didn't have anything last night." You looked at the food and took the apple from the fruit bowl in the middle of the table, biting into it while staring at Chan smugly who just sniggered at you.

"I'll give you it." He put the paper down and leant on the table with his hands as he stood up from under the table, dressed in his usual suit and tie.

"Han said you wanted to go out and pick paint. We'll make a day trip of it." You swallowed the chunk of apple you'd been chewing on out of surprise and stared at him, this was some kind of test it just had to be.

"You said I wasn't allowed out-"

"Unless accompanied, unless you're still planning on running..." He buttoned his suit jacket up looking at you with a raised eyebrow, it was now that you realised one of them had a slit in it but it wasn't shaved, it was a faint scar.

"No! No, I won't. I said I'll stay." You meant it, you meant everything you'd said. You weren't going to try escaping if it meant more people would die because of you. It wasn't worth it.

"Good. Jisung will bring you up a dress to change into. I'm still having a wardrobe picked out to match you perfectly." You nodded and slowly got up from the table, too scared to make some kind of wrong move around him. Then you began walking with Seungmin past Chan when his hand reached out to touch your wrist, you flinched and he froze. He stared at you for a couple of seconds forgetting everything he was going to say to you when he saw the way you flinched at his touch,

"I-" He forgot everything he'd wanted to say when he stared into your eyes, he could see the fear that you held in them. Your eyes danced from his eyes to his wrist and he let go not wanting to upset you anymore than he already had.

"Make sure she has some ice for her ankle, and bandage it up." He said to Seungmin but his eyes never left yours, you could have sworn that he looked concerned for you and he was. He felt terrible for your ankle, the moment he'd grabbed your ankle he wanted to punch himself in the gut. He knew how painful it could be to be chained up like that and he felt awful for doing it to you the moment it happened.

"Thanks," You whispered to him, quickly leaving him there going towards the staircase with Seungmin who then left you at the bottom of the staircase with Jisung who also felt terrible for what had happened. Except he was the only one showing it clearly, he'd never liked the killing aspect of their life, he never liked this life he only stuck around because of Chan and the boys. He began taking you up the stairs making sure to walk slowly enough so you wouldn't damage the ankle more.

"There's a first aid kit in the bathroom, wait here," Jisung said as he left to go into the en-suite within your room, you stared at the door where you could see him reaching through the cupboards above the sink. You felt bad for running out on him the night before but you had to try and get out. He'd been the only one to show you any kind of kindness except for Felix and Jeongin.

"Why does he do that?" The question came out without context when Jisung came back into the room with some scissors and a bandage, he patted the bed and you followed his orders sitting down lifting your foot to sit on his knee.

"Do what?" He began wrapping up your ankle in a blue bandage to keep the pressure on it and you hissed as he applied more and more pressure each time he wrapped the bandage around, it wasn't awful like Chan's the night before. It felt nice to have it there.

"He acts like he cares when he clearly doesn't after what he did to me." Jisung sighed looking at you from the corner of his eye, he thought you would have been smart enough to see through Chan's clear facade but he was wrong about that.

"I told you. We don't like to kill-" He tried to defend him again but you weren't going to let him.

"And yet he did," He gave you the side-eye he wanted to tell you the truth about everything, about last night and how things weren't always what they seemed to be but he continued to bandage your ankle up in silence deciding he valued his life.

"I have no explanation for anything Chan does, all I have is an excuse that isn't mine to give out. Just know that somewhere deep inside his head he's doing it because he cares." That was all he could say to you without going too into detail about everything that went on inside Chan's head, the original plan for you was changing day to day depending on Chan's mood and it was giving Jisung and the boys whiplash. Your mind was being torn to shreds. Cares? He didn't even know you?

"He cares for me? He doesn't know me-"

"He knows enough, we all do." The folder. You looked at the floor and tried to remember what was inside the folder, everything. Every single detail about your life no matter how big or small was in that folder, your parents, your grandparents, all of your jobs from the ages of 11 and up. If someone read it they could say they'd known you since birth, passed off as you if they wanted to commit identity fraud.

"But why?" you asked. Jisung scoffed and helped you stand back up on your feet, you could finally put pressure on your ankle without it sending shooting pains throughout your leg.

"You're going to ask me to explain his complex brain?" You knew it was a long shot when you asked so you nodded at him and he pointed at another floral dress sitting on the hanger on your wardrobe door deciding he wasn't going to talk about it any more than he had. He could get into trouble for what he'd already told you.

"He doesn't like to be kept waiting." He said simply as you nodded in understanding and he left the room for you to get changed, standing just outside the door so he could walk you downstairs when you were finished.

Walking around the mall with Chan was weird - mostly because you were hand in hand with him but also because people were staring the whole time. The hand holding was his idea, he knew it was one way he could get all eyes on both of you and that was what he needed. Eyes were on you wherever you went, you thought it was just because of who Chan was but he told you it was because he hadn't been seen with a female companion in a while.

"They're staring at me?" You whispered as you walked past another couple who both stared at you blatantly obviously, both of them mumbling to the other about you as you walked, the woman's hand covering her mouth as she obviously said something to her partner. You looked at the dress feeling insecure but Chan stopped once he realised where your mind was going,

"They don't like seeing powerful men with a woman at his side. You look fine. The dress is perfect." Before you could argue with him he pointed at the paint shop you'd requested to go to and you walked inside head hanging low as you tried not to think about people looking at you. His hand never left yours and when the man behind the counter began talking to you his grip tightened,

"Can I get classical white, runaway blue, and a set of your acrylic paints and paintbrushes please?" You said to him, trying not to stare at him as he stared at your hand with Chans you wanted to beg for him to save you but images of the night before raised back into your head, along with images of your grandfather.

"I have to take this," Chan said as his phone started to ring loudly in his top pocket he moved away from you and out of the shop, Felix stood in the door to make sure no one else could go in or out of the shop without him knowing about it.

"Would you like to see the paint being mixed?" The man asked with wide eyes trying to think of a way that he could talk to you in private he'd seen this before with Chan's type,

"I'd love to." Your voice came out shaky and uneasy so you followed him over to the paint shaker and he started it up it was loud enough to cover up the conversation he was going to have with you,

"Do you need help? We can get you out...Just say the word and I'll sneak you out of the back-" A hand was placed on your shoulder before it moved and a voice spoke out,

"That won't be necessary will it, baby girl?" Your whole body was on edge as you heard him call you baby girl again, his arm wrapped around your waist and you felt sick for the man's safety.

"No. I'm fine thank you." Your monotone was back and the man stared between you and Chan and you gave him a knowing look not to press for anything, maybe that had been the real reason everyone had been staring. They were trying to break you away from Chan and get you safe. It was no secret who Chan was; him and the boys were practically famous for what they did. You took Chan over to some canvas' and his hand tightened on your waist as he grew angrier, his pulse racing as he thought about someone taking you away from him. His pulse was beating so much you could feel it on your hip where his arm was resting.

"I'll kill him-" This time your pulse raced,

"He was just worried about someone's safety. Don't hurt him. I'm staying. I'm here. I'll stay," You promised with him and linked your hands together once more to show him that it was the truth, his pulse slowed back down and his expression softened as he locked eyes with you.

"I'm not going anywhere," You matched his soft expression and he looked at you wondering why you were being so nice to the man when you didn't know him but then he remembered the file. You'd always been nice to everyone, volunteering at the nursing home, at the hospital and regularly working for charities. Which reminded him of something he had to do soon and he wanted to ask you too.

"I have something to ask of you." He walked you over to some more paints and you nodded, you'd do anything if it meant no one else would die because of you.

"I regularly attend a charity event and would you like to go with me?" Charity? He...donated to charity your blood boiled at the thought of him only doing it to make up for the shit he did.

"What is that? Your sick kind of way of making up for all of the terrible things you do to people?" The words slipped out before you could even think about them and he looked mortified as you said that to him, it wasn't true at all. It couldn't have been further from the truth, the charity was something he held close to him that he'd been doing long before he came into this lifestyle. You could tell by the look on his face that you'd hurt him and you felt bad for a second, fearing that if you stepped out of line something could happen you tried to justify yourself.

"S-Sorry. I didn't think-"

"It's a charity I hold close to my heart. You will attend the function with me." It wasn't a question this time it was a statement, you were going and you had no choice in the matter. You nodded at him knowing the repercussions if you didn't say yes and he went back to looking at the paint like everything was normal.

Chan was off again on business, the moment you were done inside of the shop he told you he had to leave and you were sent home alone with Jisung, Hyunjin and Jeongin who were watching you closely as you walked around your bedroom as if they had nothing better to do with their time.

"Do you have any plastic covers, Chan didn't get some earlier." Jisung and Hyunjin exchanged looks as if they were having some kind of psychic conversation together.

"There's some in the office," Jeongin said nodding for you to follow him into the office across the hall so you did, walking behind him as he got into the room. You stood in the door and images came flooding back from what had happened the night before, the carpet was gone and replaced with laminate flooring as if nothing had happened. Jeongin followed your gaze as he realised what he'd done and where he'd brought you.

"Shit. Sorry, I forgot-" He was so used to this life he'd forgotten how it affected those who weren't used to this,

"It's fine," You lied looking down at your hands instead of the flooring. He began looking through drawers when you saw a bookshelf, sitting there in the centre shelf was a photograph of Chan and another woman.

"Who's this?" You asked, opening the glass doors to take a closer look at the image that was sitting there. Jeongin glanced up at you, panic rushing through him as you touched the photo. Chan hated it when people touched his stuff.

"Chan's wife. Shes- Shes not with us anymore." You ran your fingers over the photograph, she looked like you. She looked a lot like you, from the hair right down to the dress you were wearing. So that was what he was doing? He saw his wife in you and was trying to replace her with you? You put the photograph back down and Jeongin held up the covers he'd gotten from the bottom drawer. Maybe his ex-wife was the way out for you, maybe her being his weakness was your way out. Make him fall for you, make him weak and escape when he doesn’t see it coming?

"What are you painting?" He questioned as you walked out of the office. He locked the door and added the key into his pocket. Everyone had a key to the office by the looks of it.

"Sunflowers." You whispered as he walked you into the room, Jisung was alone now as he looked at the wall you were planning on painting on.

"Hyunjin is cooking us something to eat, Jeongin go and help him." The small boy left the room after dropping the covers onto your bed for you to sort out. You looked at Jisung from the corner of your eye as you poured paint out into the containers.

"You're being awfully calm for someone who'd spent the day with someone she hates," You ignored his comment, not wanting to raise any suspicion and took the roller dipping it into the sky blue paint.

"He was kinder...didn't hurt that man." He hummed at you, not believing it for even a second and stared as you starting to add a light blue to the wall.

"You didn't try to escape, that was the only reason he didn't do anything. Don't think he's going soft on you." You hummed this time, not believing him and he shook his head at you. All that filled your head was the photo of his wife and Chan together. His arms wrapped around her waist as he had a huge smile on his face, so big you could see dimples on the sides of his cheeks.

"How did he lose his wife?" You asked without moving your eyes from the wall it was an innocent enough question but you didn't want it to seem as though you were prying him for information because you weren't.

"Why?" You shook your head and looked over at him,

"I saw the photo. She looked young." He looked down at the floor. They weren't supposed to talk about her. They were supposed to keep their mouths shut. You weren’t even supposed to know that he’d had a wife so Jeongin had fucked up by letting you see the photograph.

"Is she the reason you're not allowed to listen to music?" He knew you were up to something the minute you asked that question and he cut everything short not having time for the bullshit.

"Whatever you're planning, get it out of your head now. Unless you want a repeat of Mrs Lu with your grandfather." You stared at him as he brought your grandfather up into the conversation,

"Do you think I'd plan anything after what I saw last night! She was like a mother to me and he ripped her away. I wouldn't disobey him again." It was only partially true, you were planning to get away but you were planning on making it easier on everyone else first.

Chan walked up the staircase to see Minho was asleep outside of your room, his head resting on a wall. He didn't blame him, it had been a long day at the offices. They were all tired and he was about to head to his own bed when he heard soft humming coming from your room, he was surprised you were still awake after not sleeping the night before. He pushed the door open silently to see you standing there with a paintbrush in your hand, you were sitting crossed-legged on a set of chest drawers sitting so close to the wall your nose could have some paint on it. He knew the tune you were humming but he couldn't place what it was, he watched as you added another brush stroke to the wall. He made his way inside until he was standing right behind you, you hadn't heard him thanks to your humming which had slowly turned into softly sung lyrics.

"Your favourite?" You fell backwards, your legs spralling out in front of you to try and catch yourself but Chan caught you quickly before you could hurt yourself. Your arms resting on his as you stared up at him and you realised you'd painted a bright yellow stripe down his suit jacket.

"Sorry, it'll come right out if you wash it right now." You struggled out of his arms and stripped off his jacket rushing into the en-suite where you panicked trying to wash the paint off his jacket. His hands rested on your arms to stop you moving so fast and for a split second, it felt nice to have him this close to you, a spark rushing up and down your body making you feel a little uneasy.

"It's fine. I can have it dry cleaned." He slipped it out from under the water and hung it over the shower since it was wet.

"You're scared of me?" You nodded at him and he tried not to sigh, it wasn't what he wanted at all he didn't want you to fear him this badly.

"They are." He frowned confused as you answered something else,

"My favourite, you asked. They are." You said pointing over at the sunflowers on the wall.

"You should be asleep, you haven't slept for almost 48 hours." You looked at the watch on his wrist to see that it was almost 3 am,

"I can't sleep....always struggled." You admitted to him and he nodded in understanding. He'd also struggled with his sleep for a long time which meant he had tips to help you.

"I struggle with sleep too." You ignored the need to make a quip about what he did for a living was probably keeping him up at night and he walked you over to the giant double bed pulling back the sheets for you.

"But you should sleep, we have an event later in the week and I need you to be well-rested for it." You got under the covers and stared at him as he tucked you into the bed and started humming to the song you'd been singing. So music wasn't something he hated completely. That was something that you could work with.

"Can I have a radio tomorrow? To work with while I paint?" He stared at you.

"I don't like music." He answered plainly not looking away from your eyes,

"Oh...Okay." He could tell how disappointed you were and he looked down at you. He hated seeing you look so disappointed about something, he never wanted to see that look again even if it meant doing something he didn't like.

"I'll see what I can do." He brushed the hair from your face and kissed your forehead. Softly sparks shot through your body and you stared at him trying not to give signs away that you felt them. You couldn't fall for him, not after what he did and who he was, he'd killed  Mrs Lu, he ran drug cartels, money laundering, cold-blooded murder, gang wars and...Well, there were many rumours...Not everything had to be true did it? You wanted to question him on that now, find out what exactly was and wasn't true with him and his crew. Trying to get your head back into your plan, instead of what Chan did for a living, you questioned him on the music subject,

"Why don't you like music?" You shifted over in the bed so he could sit beside you, he stared at the space and you stared into his eyes.

"Tell me." You pleaded, placing your hand on his as he sat down on the space you'd left for him. He felt his heart warm up as you talked to him calmly and touched him because you wanted to, not because he was forcing you to.

"It's nothing, just something that used to be played a lot in the house and then there was no need for it." He took his hand away from you not wanting to get into this, it was too much for one night, he'd already told you too much. You were just supposed to be bait for Namjoon but he was starting to feel more for you, he got off the bed quickly and left the room slamming the door so hard that Minho jumped awake and stared at his boss rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Something wrong?"

"She likes music."

"That would be nice...right?" Minho and Felix had really been the only ones to calm Chan down when he got bad like this when he got upset over his wife. They'd been there for him the longest and it was them he could trust the most. Chan hummed in answer of Minho’s question and walked into his bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind him. He walked over to the photo frames that lined his desk, all him and his wife together in the earlier days of the marriage.

"Every day I miss you a little more." But there was something else taking over his heart, he stared at the photos and he no longer felt hurt by them. It was more of a feeling of peace as he stared at his once happy wife, but he was starting to picture his life with you instead of with her. He took the frames and placed them into the bottom drawer of a desk inside his bedroom and began changing out of his suit. He hated that he snapped at you like that, but he didn't want you knowing his weaknesses, you'd use them against him just like everyone else did. Just like Namjoon did with her...but then again. The plan had been to lure Namjoon out of the shadows with you, use you as bait to get the confession from Namjoon but now he could use it to his advantage. Namjoon could scare you into staying with him and Chan wouldn't have to be the bad guy anymore...He could be the one trying to protect you instead he just had to come up with a way to get it to work.

Tagline: @moonprincessdiviniation​ - my beautiful and wonderful editor, @jooniesdarlingdimples​ @taestannie​ @kneel-begyourpardon​ @calling-dips-on-j-hope​ @hugs4chan​ @ncitythoughts​ @inseonqt​ @cloudsgathering​

[dirtyrick]

The Scientist

Wow. It's been almost 5 years since I last wrote fanfiction on here. With the new fantastic season 5 out, I decided it was time I made a comeback. This is an idea I've had since 2016, but I truthfully couldn't figure out how to weave this web. Now, I think I do. Please enjoy, this really is my baby.

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Beth woke me up in my workroom at around 6am, just a little bit before heading off to school. She usually did this, as she had more motivation to cook us breakfast than I did. I was surprised to see a stack of pancakes sitting on the table when I came downstairs. She had set the table so perfectly, it never failed to make me smile. I rubbed my eyes and sat down, ready to dig in when she came back into the dining area from her room. She handed me some papers with a gleeful smile on her face.

“Dad, could you please sign these papers?” she asked me.

I raised an eyebrow as I looked at them, “volunteer work?”

She nodded, “yes, usually it’s a graduation requirement, but since I'm only a sophomore I need a parent’s permission to get it done early.”

Pulling a pen out of my pocket, I sighed, “Don’t you already have enough extracurriculars? Don’t spread yourself so thin, you’re only 14.”

She sat down on the chair across from me with a very stubborn look on her face. She wanted to be a surgeon so badly she was willing to waste so much of her youth on things that would look good on college applications.

“Dad, I'm about to be 15. I want to help people. Plus, if I volunteer for the hospital, they’ll know my face by the time I start medical school!” she seemed so excited for this opportunity. I put the pen to paper and signed. “just make sure your home enough to spend time with your old man.” I told her as I handed her the papers. She smiled at me, with a squeal of excitement escaping her lips. “thank you, dad!” she got up and hugged me.

I’d do anything to make my baby girl happy, even if it means I will see her just a little less.

Beth seemed to enjoy her time volunteering, coming home with a big smile every evening. She would tell me what she did in the day with a joyous look in her wide eyes. But as the weeks went by, those smiles turned to furrowed brows and worry in her eyes. She stopped telling me about her days. She would often shield me from her emotions, but I’ve never seen her this worked up about something.

“Beth, please. I-I know something is wrong.” I pleaded. We were seated at the kitchen table, after having a wordless dinner.

“Nothing is wrong, dad. I have a lot of homework,” she said, avoiding my gaze and my question. She began to gather the medical books she had placed on the table. I still pushed for an answer.

“Are you getting bullied? Are you concerned about your grades? Do you have too much on your plate?” I asked. My intention was to bombard her with questions to overwhelm her, to get her to spill. “is it a boy? It’s a boy, isn’t it? I could take care of him if you need me--”

“It’s not any of those,” Beth stated, her voice full of sorrow. She turned slowly and began heading up to her room.

I was at a loss for words. You could almost see how broken she was. It made me a bit insecure that she felt like she couldn’t talk to me about this issue that was clearly weighing heavy on her mind. Granted, since Diane passed away, I had thrown myself into my work, but I always thought I made enough time for Beth. Maybe not.

The next day I reached out to her teachers, and they shared the same concerns.

“Beth is an extremely good student. however, I have seen her slipping recently. I’m glad to see you’re reaching out, usually, I have to do all that.” her English teacher told me, then proceeded to complain about everything under the sun.

“She has seemed very depressed as of late. She’s been asking about sheet music for The Cure.” her band teacher informed me.

“She constantly carries a book about rare diseases and reads it during my lectures. We haven’t even reached that chapter yet!” her health teacher told me.

That last teacher made me raise an eyebrow. Rare diseases? Why would Beth need to know about rare diseases? I had a feeling and not a very good one.

The next day I took Beth to her volunteer hours, as she was about to get out of the car, I told her “I want to see what they got in store for you today. Mind if I tag along?”

She looked concerned, “I’m not sure if they’d let you…”

“I promise I won’t cause any suspicions," I said as I got out of the car, grunting a little. These bones sure aren’t what they used to be. As I followed her into the large beige building, the stale hospital smell hit my nostrils like a truck, as did the memories. This is the hospital Diane took her final breaths in. Beth may be too young to remember, but I sure as hell do. Some of the orderlies even look familiar, as they glance at us with what seem to be knowing eyes. They look at Beth’s dismal eyes, then look at mine—they just know something happened that shook our family.

We turned a maze of several corners which lead to a large orange elevator with the words ‘elevate your health!’ printed in big white letters. I rolled my eyes. Hospitals aren’t really places for much healing when it’s really needed. When we got in the spacious elevator, I got my first good look at Beth since we got out of the car. Worry as written all over her, she was desperately avoiding my gaze. Her small fingers twisting themselves in knots as she fidgeted. It was something here, it became blatantly clear. Her worry was contagious, as I suddenly felt a sharp stab of thoughts hit me.

The elevator dinged, I followed Beth toward a nurse’s station. The woman behind there smiled at us as we approached. Her red curls bounced as she got up from her rolling chair. Beth mustered a brave face, “Hello Nurse Bernice, this is my father, he wanted to see what I do here.”

The nurse looked at me, her deep amber eyes complimented her dark complexation, her smile lines very pronounced. She was probably late 30s, early 40s at the most. I almost forgot to introduce myself, “I’m Rick Sanchez. I just wanted to see what itinerary you have laid out for my daughter. She’s been coming home stressed recently.”

“Well, Mr. Sanchez, I don’t think we have too much on her sweet little shoulders,” she said as she grabbed a clipboard and handed it to Beth, who was smiling sheepishly. “Now Beth, you’re going to be checking in on your regulars this afternoon. Mr. Opiman got discharged this morning, so it’ll only be Mr. Marion and Ms. Doe.” Beth’s smile slowly faded, she nodded as she put on her badge. She looked up at me and motioned for me to follow her.

Her first ‘patient’, Mr. Marion, was fast asleep. “His chart mentions they upped his dosage of morphine as his surgical site had to be reopened today,” she said in a quiet voice, as not to wake him. She checked his vitals on the monitor next to his bed, and it suddenly became clear to me that she knew exactly what she was doing. She knew what all these terms and numbers meant. I stood there almost slack-jawed because I never realized how much of a genius my daughter was. I also realized Mr. Marion was probably not what has gotten her so worked up. She made notes on her clipboard and even gently checked on his surgery site, which was on his right foot. The blood had appeared to seep through his bandages earlier, leaving a stain on his sheets. The bandage on his foot was now clean. We left the room without waking her patient up.

We headed to the next patient room, and I could see that Beth was walking much slower. She opened the door, and the sunlight hit our faces hard. The woman was sitting up on the edge of her bed, staring out the window at the bright orange and purple sunset. Upon hearing us enter, she peered over her shoulder. Once she saw Beth, she turned toward us and beamed a big smile.

“Oh Beth, I’m so happy to see you!” Ms. Doe said cheerfully. Her voice was slightly deep and seemed very strained as though she had been screaming for hours. She had bruises all over her, including a black eye and what looked like handprints on her neck. She looked up at me and her mouth closed but kept a smile. Upon looking over at Beth, I was surprised. All those worries melted away, she seemed remarkably happy. “You must be Beth’s father. I’m Jane Doe, or at least that’s what they call me around here.”

I stood there entirely confused about what was going on.