#In the lens of ‘what came first? The chicken or the egg?’

[soft-serve-soymilk]

‘what’s with the ken-posting pav? 🤔’ you may ask. well have you considered i’ve been watching p3 reload snippets in secret 👀 like someone’s 2nd persona awakening 👀👀 which pulls not a single-whammy, not a double-whammy, but a TRIPLE-whammy of lines, in succession, that are ALL my favourite tropes and themes 🔥, which have mostly only been seen in my little baby boy Theon as well. Now in this comparative essay I will—

[actualbird]

thinking about mariluke again… given how marius is afraid of really trusting people and showing his heart bc he’s been used so many times before and his family situation… and given luke is all “you before me” and “wow im literal scum i don’t deserve nice things” how do you think they break down that roadblock to become lovers? do you think one of them would realise this isn’t okay and work on it or would they need a push from someone else?

you 🤝 me

thinking about mariluke

i very much relate to the feeling, anon, HVSKJFVKSDHFS

but oh my gosh i adore this ask because u hit the nail on the head on what like, their core internal conflicts are, respectively. definitely not their only conflicts, but these ones are ones that i see as the driving force behind a lot of their actions. for marius, it's the constant struggle of "can i trust you?", for luke it's his lack of self worth and the resulting neglect of his own safety/needs/desires coming from it.

before i answer the questions tho i wanna say first that those two issues do stem from core Wants that theyve got (and i wanna say this first cuz it will tie into my answers/thoughts HAHA).

like, marius is always cautious and holding his cards and heart close to himself not just because of all the betrayals hes experienced and in general the Life He Lives (though that is a Huge factor), but also because it's connected to his want for honesty, earnestness, and genuineness. though these two are interconnected, it's not a Which Came First, The Chicken Or The Egg situation (or in this case….Which Came First, The Yearning Or The Trust Issues? JHVKSJDFH), they exist simultaneously and feed into each other. he wants, he has trouble receiving what he wants because of his fears but his fears are also put into higher gear because of how Much he wants, and in turn the lack leads to his desire gets magnified and the stakes for his fears getting even higher as well. aaaand all this gets further complicated when u throw in marius’ low view of himself as well (while it’s not as prominent/delved-into in canon as luke’s, it’s Very Much There, see this past analysis i did about marius and emotional distancing which is the most recent analysis i did i think on the topic)

meanwhile with luke, his propensity to put others before himself always is in partly caused by how lowly he sees himself (if hes worth nothing and others are worth more, then he should be the ones taking the blows or enduring the pains), but Both those things are ultimately caused by his desire to Be Good and Do Good for Another. “for Another” is a key phrase here, because luke imo is driven by devotion. it has to be someone else. and if he sees himself as bad, then the good thing to do is to neglect himself, and a better use of his life is to serve Another that he Sees as good. like marius, this is all interconnected too. his want to do good feeds into his self sacrificial tendencies, his low view of himself allows him to do more of what he perceives to be good, etc etc. tho of course, with luke, theres the whole obvious glaring sign that what he Perceives to be good isnt good at all (ex. when he becomes overprotective to the point of taking away choice/agency from the very person hes protecting, protection becomes presumptuous condescension, and this all gets in flux since goodness is subjective based on whos lens ur looking from) but at the end of the day thats a bulk of whats driving a lot of decisions.

now when things get to romantic relationship, both these respective desires seen through the lens of romantic love can be reworded into:

for marius, it’s “do you love me? can i trust that your love is real? are you telling the truth when you say im worthy of love?”

and for luke, it’s “am i good enough for your love? have i earned it? will i allow myself to believe i’ve earned it when you say i have?”

(sidenote: …..oh my god, marius is basically “Real Love” by Carly Rae Jepsen

"The world is going crazy And it feels like I just don't know who to trust sometimes Thunder's coming over me, I need to get a hold of you now We're getting good at lying No one's saying what's keeping us all awake at night Something's coming over me, I need to get a hold of you now […] I go everyday without it All I want is real, real love And I've been feeling weak without it Only want a real, real love"

and luke is “All That” also by Carly Rae Jepsen

"I wanna play this for you all the time I wanna play this for you when you're feeling used and tired I wanna make the best so you want more […] I'll be the magic you won't ever see You can always rely on me To help you do what you want to do I wanna be the best you've ever known […] Show me if you want me If I'm all that I will be that"

i cant believe CRJ ships mariluke)

NOW back to ur question. i personally dont think this is an Either Or situation, i think it’s a Both Simultaneously kinda thing.

cuz first off, change can only happen when the person who has to do the change actively works on it. no amount of support system can do it for the person if the person themselves isnt putting in the work. BUT input from another Helps very much, especially with mariluke imo cuz like……..these two are two sides of the same coin. so many of their insecurities and fears and wants are similar. not Exactly the same, but similar enough that i think they get each other on a really personal level

(sidenote im coming in with another song but i tell everybody who has the misfortune of listening to me that “just like i do” by loveless is THE mariluke song for me because….come on

"Do you feel alone just like I do? Do you hate the sound of your heartbeat too? Do you feel alone just like I do? Do you hate the sound of your heartbeat too? This is all I own, 'til I face the truth Yeah, I feel alone in a crowded room"

i cant believe loveless ships mariluke too waow)

heres how they can help each other:

marius keeps his heart behind tall and strong walls because of how his world works and how his life has gone, yet all he yearns for is sincerity. and luke gives that in full earnestness, and is probably surprised by how much that means to marius.

(remember the CRJ songs i associated with both of them?

marius: "and it feels like i dont know who to trust sometimes"

luke: "i'll be the magic you won't eve see / you can always rely on me")

luke wears his heart on his sleeve, on the arms that are always fighting for whoever or whatever hes devoted to. luke keeps secrets, yes, but thats mostly in regards to how he sees, treats, and values (or rather, doesnt value) himself. but marius, who is trained in the art of putting up a mask or building a fortress to hide, would see through luke’s secrecy and see how badly luke treats himself under the guise of being good for others to be worthy of love.

(luke: "i wanna be the best youve ever known / show me if you want me"

marius: "i need to get a hold of you now")

luke shows what marius wants and marius sees what luke hides; both of these things, one way or another, calling attention to both of their respective internal conflicts.

i dont think they fix each other, or rather thats not how my personal ideal view of how their relationship goes. i think they see each other.

("do you feel alone just like i do?")

and in seeing, they learn more about themselves and realize that part of loving another person is also in bettering one’s self. marius loving luke more than hes afraid of getting hurt. luke loving marius more than how he wants to hate himself.

they both realize that the internal issues theyve got are not okay, and that they need to work on it. but they realize that once understood by the other and once realizing that their love is more important to them than fear or hatred.

....i feel so normal about them (lie)

[goblinofthesun]

(For context, right before we start, I am going to be earning my doctorate in clinical psychology at the end of this month and I specialize in developmental trauma and its consequences.)

The idea that "mental illness is just wonky brain chemistry" is a fairly new one, and the way it was developed is pretty backwards. It comes from studies looking at how antidepressant medications impact brain functioning. When these studies were first done, researchers noticed that after taking an SSRI, the patient's brain had way more available serotonin in it (this is a way simplification) and so they concluded that their findings must mean that depression is just a lack of serotonin. But this logic makes absolutely no sense. Like if a researcher sat me down and fed me cereal to see if they can fix my hunger, and after I ate the cereal I no longer felt hungry, so they would conclude that my hunger must be because I don't have enough cereal in my body. It is so infuriating because not only is it bad science, but it's also probably not true!

Sure, there are mental health conditions that are largely based on brain chemistry and/or structure like bipolar or schizophrenia, but there is also no way to know which came first. For example, in the brains of people with schizophrenia, the ventricles (cavities in the middle of your brain designed to hold cerebral spinal fluid, again an oversimplification) are enlarged. But is schizophrenia a result of enlarged ventricles, or are enlarged ventricles a consequence of schizophrenia? In other words, which came first, the chicken or the egg?

(As a side note, different theories for the development of psychotic/schizospec disorders is really interesting. A theory that I'm particularly drawn to is that in the childhood homes of people who later develop schizospec disorders, there's a lot of "crazy-making" happening. By that I mean that parents of these children will just outright deny reality, as in something will happen and the parents will gaslight their children and basically say "no it didn't." The theory is that this is really confusing for a child and they have no way to differentiate fantasy (their parent's report) from reality (what actually happened) and this pattern of cognition is what snowballs and leads to the development of schizospec disorders. Even here, we can see the influence of developmental trauma.)

As a clinical psychologist, I am trained to look at mental health and people through a theoretical lens. The one I use is Adlerian, the branch of psychodynamic psychotherapy led by Alfred Adler. One of the core tenets of Adlerian psychology is that of teleology, basically that every behavior happens for a reason, that behavior is purposeful and is an attempt to move us toward our goal of superiority (moving from a "felt minus to a felt plus") and perfection. (Adlerian psychology could be its own post, but, again, I'm simplifying it for the purposes of this reply). Mental health is no exception. Going back to my depression example, in an Adlerian lens, depression is used as a way to withdraw and, in essence, take a break. The person's subjective world is so overwhelming, they often feel they have no ability to decrease their load or stress, things just keep piling up and spiral out of control. In order to feel better, move away from feelings of inferiority, they have the mistaken goal that if they withdraw, if they self-isolate, their demands will decrease and they'll be less overwhelmed. I said "mistaken goal" here on purpose because while depression does achieve the end of lessening their demands, it creates other problems and will probably not move them toward a "felt plus." In therapy with a client like this, I would work on recognizing limits, setting boundaries, increasing encouragement and self-confidence, and engaging with community in ways that are manageable and not so overwhelming.

But to get back to the original question, I do think that you're right. Separating out mental illness from "physical" illness is a form of Cartesian dualism and it's a more polite way to say "it's all in your head." I read a really interesting article this morning that pointed out the dangers of Cartesian dualism.

"What is so destructive about Cartesian dualism of mind and body is that it abstracts subjective life from the objective conditions of its existence, obscures how the socio/economic forces infiltrate and infect subjectivity, and tends to lead us to other forms of dualistic separations: rich vs. poor, first-world vs. third-world, women vs. men, Caucasians vs. all other ethnicities, in which one side of the dualism is valued for their exceptional minds (they are the subjects of modern society), and the other side is reduced to their bodies--they are the physical laborers or have bodies men desire (they are reduced to objects to be used by the subjects)" (Riker, 2020, p. 232).

Cartesian dualism is an artificial separation of our Self from our physical existence. The "mental illness is just bad brain chemicals" is one outward representation of this concept. If we can just "fix the problem" (i.e., change one's brain chemistry), then we don't have to think about the ways in which our capitalist society is creating the problem in the first place.

"Economic society needs such masterful, bounded, empty persons, for they keep insatiably consuming the disposable, non-essential goods of capitalist production in an attempt to fill up the emptiness they experience at their cores. And, in order to keep insatiably consuming, they have to keep ceaslessly working. That is, capitalist society is creating just the kind of human beings it needs in order to sustain its feverish productivity and lifestyles" (Riker, 2020, p. 231).

The brain-chemistry theory of mental illness is a distraction and is a tool used to distance us from our Selves, from those around us, and from the real problem, capitalism.

As someone who has studied and works a lot with developmental trauma, I honestly don't think that anyone can grow up in our current society without incurring some level of developmental trauma. Most of the time, the trauma I see in my office comes from parents, but I've also seen schools, peers, medical professionals, teachers, politicians, random strangers as perpetrators of developmental trauma. Capitalism is inherently traumatizing. Kyriarchy is inherently traumatizing. School is inherently traumatizing! There is no way to escape from it and I see the consequences of it every single day. Even someone without "trauma" and "simple" mental health problems like depression or generalized anxiety, I can usually find some traumatizing instance during their developmental years, even if they do not recognize it as being traumatizing. (Another side note: a trauma does not have to be traumatizing. A trauma becomes traumatizing when it overwhelms your ability to cope, but that doesn't mean it has no effect on the individual experiencing it. It just doesn't rise to meet the level of posttraumatic stress.)

There's this idea in trauma-centered therapy spaces that you cannot heal in the environment that traumatized you. But what if the world is what traumatized you? What then? What do you do? It feels so hopeless and the individual feels so helpless so it's better to just not acknowledge the actual problem and focus on something we can "fix" like brain chemistry. (And there's not even great evidence that psychiatric medication helps all that much! Most studies looking at the effects of, particularly, antidepressants show that they don't work better than placebo! Which is just more evidence that the "brain chemistry" theory of mental illness is inaccurate.)

This is just my own musing and I’m sure someone else who knows about the social history of psychiatry/psychology has an actual answer but the more I learn about developmental and relational trauma the more the idea of “mental illness is just weird brain chemicals for no reason 👀” feels like a devil’s bargain we made as a culture. Like, stigma around common mental health issues can start to lift as long as we can agree to look at it in a vacuum and don’t poke around too much.

And that’s parts of that agreement that are very limiting and slows systemic change but at the same time it feels protective and in a way I’m glad I can hide under it? “A lot of people are anxious / depressed just because ” allows for privacy and selective disclosure.

[xtruss]

In the Netherlands, Alex ten Napel makes miniature runways in barns and backyards to capture the essence of chickens such as this Polish rooster. “I consider them walking pieces of art,” he says.

See These Chickens Go From Coop To Catwalk

Fancy, feathered, and fascinating, these birds surprised portrait photographer Alex ten Napel with their beauty and charisma.

— By Jason Bittel | Photographs By Alex Napel | January 6, 2023

A chicken “is not just an animal that gives us eggs,” says Alex ten Napel, who’s been roaming his home country of the Netherlands in search of farm fowl since 2014. Taking inspiration from Melchior d’Hondecoeter, a 17th-century Dutch artist known for his work with birds, ten Napel uses lighting, backdrops, and an elevated, catwalk-like stage to bring chickens out of the coop and into an entirely new context.

Top: A Twentse rooster takes his turn on the runway. While breeders prioritize conformation, ten Napel prizes character. Bottom: The Brabanter breed has been associated with the Netherlands since Dutch artist Melchior d’Hondecoeter depicted some of the birds in 1676.

“What I hope you see in the photos is that chickens can be proud beings or funny beings,” he says. “They can be like gymnasts or ballerinas. Not what most people think of when you talk about chickens.”

Left: It may seem as if this Polish hen is missing a face, but she’s simply shying away from the camera. Right: Like a singer belting out a show tune, this Dutch bantam rooster uses his time in the spotlight to crow.

Compared with people, chickens like the Polish hen above are quite patient models, ten Napel says.

Left: Polish roosters and other showy chickens are bred for competition, not consumption. Right: Scientists think humans first domesticated chickens between 7,000 and 10,000 years ago. Pictured here, a Polish hen.

While each animal has different characteristics, ten Napel has noticed the emergence of some patterns throughout his travels. Roosters, or male chickens, tend to be large, visually striking, and imposing, he says. But it’s the females ten Napel finds himself drawn toward. “I have a heart for the hens. They’re so vulnerable,” he says. “They move me in a way that I want to protect them.”

Left: Appearing to sport a ceremonial headdress, a Polish rooster stands tall for his portrait. Right: Show chickens, such as this Polish hen, are bred for their external attributes, including color patterns and feather shapes.

Left: Ten Napel first came face-to-face with a chicken while he was camping in the Pyrenees Mountains about 10 years ago. He felt an immediate connection to the species, which then became his main photographic muse. Pictured here, a Polish chicken. Right: The European Association of Poultry, Pigeon, Cage Bird, Rabbit, and Cavy Breeders recognizes more than a hundred breeds of chickens, from the Polish (shown here) to the Brabanter and the Dutch bantam.

A specialist in portrait photography, ten Napel focused on people—usually children and older adults—for 25 years. The chickens, he says, have reignited his passion for this type of photography. “I can’t direct them. I have to be patient and feel how they will show themselves,” he adds. “Everything they give you is a gift.”

On his bird-friendly runway, ten Napel coaxes a model to strut its stuff for the camera.

Though ten Napel has occasionally tried to train his lens on other subjects since falling for fowl, nothing else seems to capture his interest so completely. “This year I went back to the breeders,” he says, “and I’m shooting the next series until, well, I can’t photograph anymore.”

[glossolali]

TLOVM Watch Party EP 3 Summary

- De Rolo Daddy was played by Taliesin

- Matt: so weird they use his original design for the VM Emon keep

- Playfulness and rivalries between characters were important to establish, dick tap and ball tag were essential (lol)

- Foreign dubs for this show are incredible

- The evening wear is SO good and Phil Bourassa made multiple options for the ladies

- Another Matt Mercer NPC sighting!

- Scanlan's rainbow crotch piece was Sam's choice, of course

- Briarwoods' design is pretty dead on as Matt imagined, even Laura and Travis's Halloween cosplay of them (except for the sunglasses)

- Allura and Kima are such a cute couple with their coordinated outfits!

- Keyleth's reactions are perfect and adorable

- Vex has a fan! Of course, she wants to show off that she's money

- The Vax ponytail is choice, chef's kiss

- Simon!

- Silas' eye color shift is supposed to be subtle

- Grey Griffin, Delilah's VA is brilliant and great at voicing her, she thanked them for giving her a fun role

- Everybody wants the Briarwood's cool chest, and also the pie

- Percy's anime fishbowl lens and the glasses reflection is so good!

- The Vax and Briarwoods scene is burned into their minds, and was so cool to see on screen, every beat is perfect

- Vax is so cute, he's a hottie (yes, glad we all agree)

- Sam's Brother-In-Law and him did Scanlan's Beads of Love and worked on a lot of the music, sending voice notes back and forth

- Everyone talks about how hot the Briarwoods and Vax scene is

- The fight with the Briarwoods is very well done and all the sounds and effects make it amazing, and it's so well-directed

- They love how badly this fight goes for Vox Machina, it's real stakes

- The camera work in the fight feels visceral and real, and it was not easy to do

- Keyleth is the most powerful one (nature magic users are broken!) but she still doesn't know how to use her magic

- Percy is hot and sexy, the gun reload animation is hot too

- Don't make Keyleth cry!

- Scanlan is a little douchebag and he's covered in whipped cream, they hope.

Q&A:

Q: The Vax and Briarwood scene, first - how dare you, second - what the fuck, third - what was it like creating and voicing this iconic character?

Matt: Loves the Briarwoods and had to vie for the role of Sylas (Sam: it was a given that Matt would voice him) We wanted Sylas to be like a feral beast of the night, so he got to be more muscled and powerful, wolf-like almost

Q: The Briarwood fight scene!

Brandon: The board artists killed it, we barely had to change anything

Sam: Most of the storyboard team have mostly worked in children's animation, so the characters were just getting bumped or falling over but we were like "HURT US! Make it look really bad" and by the time episode 3 came around they were like "You want us to fuck up your characters? Okay, we'll fuck up your characters"

We watch the first draft animatic of the "Your soul is forfeit" scene (sorry didn't have screen record prepped!)

Matt: Working on this is a homecoming because I grew up wanting to be an animator

Q: How did you condense all that important info into a 22 minute episode?

Matt: Carefully

Travis: We had to condense The Briarwoods Arc from 35 to 40 hours to 6 hours, so we decided on what are the important things we need to keep for future storylines and episodes

Matt: What are the favorite beats that show essence of the things not included are still carried forward? That's what we focused on

Q: Favorite easter eggs?

Everyone: Matt's NPCs, and there are many Doors throughout the season

We can't wait for everyone to watch the next 3 episodes, this batch is the best one, Ep 4 is a favorite

Q: What was it like to see your characters animated for the first time?

Travis: Watching even the initial chicken scratch animatics was great, we were freaking out and being emotional after together, it was very special, a dream come true

Q: Let's talk more about the music, and Sam's songs!

Sam: Lots of demos of weird rhymes and gross stuff and fun that I hope to share with everyone one day, the VM song was too long at first but they loved it

Sam sings Beads of Love live!!!

[liquidstar]

allow me to explain:

the cosmic imagination is essentially the collective consciousness of all things in the universe. the idea is that perception is reality, and vice versa. the universe exists because life exists to perceive it- not just in the "if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" sense, but in the literal sense. the combined consciousness of all living beings is what allows the universe to propagate its own existence, filtered through the lens of that perception. here's a quote from the enchiridion that may put it better:

"The Multiverse is a Consensus Reality shared by the Minds of all Sentient Beings. If they were to Die, the Multiverse, as such, would suddenly blink out of existence, vanish, be no more." "Why?" asked the Student. "Because", said the Sage, "there would be no one to Perceive It."

anyway this is what i was talking about in that other post, where i said magic users better understand the nature of the universe and thus go insane because of it. they're able to use "magic" because they can warp the perceptions of the cosmic imagination- the shared consciousness. but mortals were not built for this like cosmic beings and primordials. the lich, or golb, or orgalorg, or presumably others that were born in the sea of monsters before time existed, already have a higher understanding of the universe which is why they're so powerful without going nuts. it's what sets them apart from simple wizards.

ive also seen this concept be sort of misunderstood by some online- the cosmic imagination is NOT a character! ive seen people make theories about how its the strongest character in the story but thats not quite right... i think maybe theyre coming at it from the skyrim godhead perspective, seeing it as the dream of a single being. but its not. like i said its the collective consciousness of every being in the universe that shapes perception and propagation. its mutual. one can't exist without the other.

which is a paradox! a chicken and egg situation- which came first? we know that before there was time, there was nothing, and before there was nothing, there were monsters. but this brings us to the concept of "muck time" (or was it muk? idr). this concept is a bit more simple- time doesnt exist. like bmo said it's an illusion that helps things make sense. everything that has ever happened and ever will happen, has already happened, and is currently happening. there was no "first" here. it's not that it's a circle, but that it's a single point in of itself. the ending and the beginning are the same thing, it's what the comet offers to finn. but again mortal perception only allows for us to perceive it linearly, and perception is reality. it's complicated.

That post I have about crazy adventure time lore going around is kind of funny because I was speaking generally about magic in it and didn't even bring up some of the more specific insane concepts brought up in the enchiridion like "muck time" and or the "cosmic imagination"

[spiderling-space]

Hi hi!! When you get the chance may I please have platonic mc who doesn’t speak a lot but when they do it’s usually something strange like “how many chickens do you think I’m worth” or “did you know there are hairy snails” with vice dorm leaders?

I needed a little break from matchups so here it is. It was hard to go back to writing headcanons for that break. I'm basing this off MC telling shower thoughts in inappropriate places from my prompt list.

♣️♣️♣️♣️♣️♣️♣️♣️♣️♣️♣️♣️

Trey Clover

Trey asked (Y/N) to help him prepare desserts for the upcoming Unbirthday party. They were supposed to break the eggs and mix them.

"How many chickens do you think I'm worth?"

Trey is used to questions such as this as he heard countless weird questions from his siblings and younger Heartslabyul students. He answers it with a dad joke of his.

🐆🐆🐆🐆🐆🐆🐆🐆🐆🐆🐆🐆

Ruggie Bucchi

Ruggie somehow roped (Y/N) to do his dorm duties. He is relaxing as (Y/N) is hanging the clothes on the rope.

"Have you ever thought that at some unknown point in the future, you will be the next person to die?"

Ruggie almost chokes on his drink. Where did it come from? He coughs a little, trying to understand if it is a threat. He finishes his drink then aids (Y/N) in doing his duties. It will be for a while until he tricks (Y/N) to do his duties again, he wants to make sure it wasn't a threat.

🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄

Jade Leech

Jade thinks he should wear the best outfit he can get and wore them the best way. He needed a new shirt so he goes out to look for some. He happens to come across (Y/N) as he is shopping and tells them that he is looking for a new shirt.

"You know, when shopping for clothes you could potentially be buying the outfit you die in."

Jade pauses for a moment as he didn't expect those words coming out of (Y/N)'s mouth. He lets out a chuckle and agrees with them before continuing shopping.

🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍

Jamil Viper

(Y/N) asks if Jamil needs any help when they hear Kalim is throwing another party in Scarabia. Since Jamil knows they are trustworthy, he accepts the help.

"Did you know there are hairy snails?"

Jamil stops what he is doing. He didn't need to know that especially when he was cooking for the party. He stops (Y/N) from talking more about it by giving them more tasks.

🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹🏹

Rook Hunt

(Y/N) was taking a stroll when they see Rook taking pictures with his camera which brought a question to (Y/N)'s mind.

"Isn't it weird that every camera lens is round but every screen is square?"

Rook didn't expect (Y/N) to talk to him since they rarely talk which is something he observed many times. Regardless, he will not waste any opportunity to observe (Y/N) more. He will say they have a beautiful mind asking questions such as that and he will try to get them to talk more by talking about that topic.

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Ortho Shroud

Ortho was floating around when he heard (Y/N) talking with their friends. It was not like he was eavesdropping, he just has high hearing range and capability.

"It is much less frightening to be completely in the dark than to be in a lit area surrounded by dark."

Ortho floats to where they are standing and yells "I agree!", (Y/N) and their friends yelp for some reason. Ortho doesn't understand why but he proceeds to talk "They do it in my brother's games, he is spooked most when that happens." Ortho doesn't understand why that would be considered scary as he can see through the darkness clearly.

🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇

Lilia Vanrouge

(Y/N) and the rest of the first years are studying for the upcoming history exam in Diasomnia lounge. Lilia is happy that they included Sebek in their group. He goes to their side to ask if they want his homemade cookies when he hears what (Y/N) says.

"You know what? When the first telephone was invented it wasn’t that useful. It’s when the second one came about that things started to pop."

Lilia sighs, "I remember hearing about the telephone when it became popular among humans. Unfortunately, I was not able to see it with my own two eyes, my general duties were keeping me busy." Lilia laughs when (Y/N) starts to question his age and if he is joking now.

[nohoney]

Tell Me (When You’re Ready) 4.3

warnings: 18+, drug use, polyamory, low key manipulation, toxic relationships

Us Series Masterlist

summary:

You love them.

You’re in love with them.

You’re in love with Keigo.

You’re in love with Touya.

4.1 ✧ 4.2 ✧ 4.3 ✧ 4.4

There were some things that you imagined yourself trying at one point in your life that you figured would just be an experiment, a one-time thing that would probably not happen again as long as you got to do it once. It was simple things like eating an exotic dish you’ve never heard of, something adrenaline pumping like bungee jumping or sky diving, or even exploring your sexuality and seeing if you liked kissing someone of a different gender than yours. Just a little exciting tidbit that would have the people say ‘wow, that’s so interesting of you!’ and just be a quick little topic before moving onto something else. Simple stuff like that, you know?

Sure you figured that you’d explore recreational drugs every once in a while but you never thought you would have main access to them by dating a dealer. And you thought that maybe you’d try having a threesome if the chance came along but you would have never guessed in your life that you’d be engaging in them regularly by being apart of a polyamorous relationship.

You were definitely were having an interesting experience in your life currently.

At most you only dated three boys before Touya and Keigo; one boy from middle school in which the relationship lasted up until he went to a separate high school, a nice guy from your math class that helped tutor you but breaking up just a little before your high school graduation, and then your one college boyfriend who would later get his ass beat by your current boyfriends at a house party for strangling you.

None of those three boys you dated had ever made you consider being in love with them. You liked them a lot to be in a relationship but never developed further enough for you to even think about saying ‘I love you’ to them. It hurt all three times when the relationships ended, the worst one so far being the one before Touya, but you never really experienced a real heartbreak. You were sad when it was over but you never experienced that pit of overwhelming sadness and depression after breaking up with someone that you were madly and deeply in love with.

And if it hurts so bad with just one boy you loved, like some of you friends had said, would it hurt twice as bad with two boys you were in love with?

It’s a question that you don’t want answered.

Sometimes you think about how crushing it would be if Touya and Keigo were to leave you, that even the thought of it makes your heart clench and has you trying to control your own anxiety of all the scenarios that run through your head. It’s why you try to be so good for them, you listen to what they tell you to do, you don’t want to give them a reason to break up with you because you’re pretty certain that you won’t handle it well.

You’ve helped friends through heartbreak before but you’d never experienced it yourself to really understand what they’re going through, just that you see how sad they are and that you know that they can move forward with their life even though they just had their heart broken by someone they loved.

If it were to happen to you, would you really be able to pick yourself up together?

You imagine that the more intense the love was, the more shattering the pain is when the relationship falls apart.

You hate to think about it and in those moments when even thinking about it in theory becomes too much for you, you get desperate to wipe away that imaginary and theoretical pain. So you seek them out, either Touya or Keigo, whoever you find first but having both is always preferable to you and you just want to be as close as possible until you forget all about it. Sitting in their lap, holding hands, just being by their side soothes you but the best method is always sex. Touya shows how he cares mostly through sex with the occasional gentle words and acts of service here and there. Keigo is always caring no matter what but the affection is laid on extra thick when you’re down on all fours for him. In those desperate moments of needing them, you can see the question in their eyes what’s got you acting in such a way but they’d rather take care of what you need first than ask first thing.

It’s after one of those romps where you were feeling a little anxious about a theoretical break up that you hear it from Touya. Keigo massaged your head until he thought for sure you fell asleep while Touya dragged the tips of his fingers along your arm. You laid on your side, curves accentuated and arms tucked close to your chest as you felt yourself drift off to sleep. Just right when you enter your dreamworld you hear a soft whisper from Touya that your mind just barely catches.

“I love you…”

It’s the first time you’ve ever heard him say it.

In the moment when you were about to drift to sleep it was so faint but you remember it so clearly the next morning. You woke up alone in bed but you could hear the boys in the living room with the tv on, sounds of gunfire and cursing at one another tell you that they’re playing a video game together. You snuggle into the pillows and pull the comforter over your body, the faint words of Touya’s confession play over and over in your mind.

Now both of them have said ‘I love you’ and you’ve yet to say it back.

You want to, you definitely want to, but it just doesn’t feel like the right time.

Their confessions play back over in your mind. Keigo’s ‘I love you’ in his kitchen and now Touya’s ‘I love you’ from last night, your heart flutters and you’ve got butterflies in your tummy the more you think about it. And even though you just had sex last night, you clench your legs together at the thought of passionate lovemaking and those three words expressed out loud between the three of you. They’re just on the other side of that wall and you could easily call them to relieve the ache in between your legs.

But you need alone time, the boys are enjoying themselves in the game at the moment.

Your fingers will do just fine, it’s not like you rely specifically on their cocks to get you off every single time. Some alone time is good for yourself, it’s healthy and always a nice opportunity to center yourself. And besides, if you masturbate then you’re pretty much guaranteed an easy orgasm by your own hands versus the boys where they can dangle you on the edge of completion and elation if they felt like it.

So you push the blankets low enough for your comfort and grab your phone on the night stand, already naked since you just got fucked last night. The screen lights up and opens the home screen automatically upon face recognition, you swipe to your photos app and scroll down to the hidden files folder. It contains all the nudes you’ve sent over time to them along with their dick pics and recorded sex videos. You just swipe through photos first, sensual photos that were taken in the reflection of the mirror in the spur of the moment. There’s a pic of you bent over Keigo’s lap and you hold your panties to the side, one of you looking into the lens as you’re on your knees for Touya, and one nude that you took of yourself that wasn’t sent to either of them but you just thought you looked hot as fuck in it.

While you slide through photos, you just get yourself started with some light petting and a little bit of teasing. The boys sound really caught up in their game at the moment but you’re also keeping a lookout if they happen to approach the bedroom door.

Back to the camera roll, this time going through the videos.

Touya’s usually the one that records the videos, aiming the camera down at your body while he plows into your pussy and calls you a dirty whore for the camera. There’s one that’s just a few seconds long of him groping your tits, another one where he’s fingering your pussy and it stops just as you squirt all over him, lots of videos of you going down on him or Touya recording Keigo getting sucked off by you, a few of him eating you out, and the most recent video was the camera set up on nightstand and recorded the three of you having another threesome.

The placement of their hands all over your body, the faces you made as you get cock drunk on blowjobs, the few moments where they almost lose their composure and pull back just in time, fingers in your holes, scratches all over their chests and backs, tongues licking sensitive spots, and ooh… that nasty shot of cum oozing out of you when they were finished.

You try to keep your sounds to a minimum, even the shaky breaths you take may just be a touch too loud and you fear that you’ll be caught.

“One last game, loser has to make breakfast.” Keigo’s muffled voice sounds through the wall.

“Make my eggs sunny side up, yolk runny. You’ll need to know that.” Touya quips back.

One last round for the boys while you finish up on yourself.

You decide to watch a video clip that Keigo recorded, the camera pointed down at your body while he thrust quickly into you. You held your legs up by the back of your knees, tits bouncing with every rough movement and garbled moans that the camera picked up. Even though the volume is to the lowest setting and the video game sounds are loud on the other side, you still worry if they can hear the video. But that’s not the thing to worry about, you need to hasten your efforts before that match is complete and one of the boys comes in to ask how you want your eggs for breakfast.

You like your egg poached on a piece of toast with a nice yummy spread and just a squeeze of lemon.

God breakfast sounds amazing now…

In the video, Keigo’s groping your tits in his hand and the faint recorded voice of him whining for you to cum for him. “Baby bird… my little chicken nugget…”

Pfft, that little nickname still makes you laugh sometimes.

You time yourself along with the video, already recognizing the timing of his hips when he’s just about ready to burst. So you work your hand into overdrive, pussy sopping and leaking onto the bedsheets. The recorded Keigo in the video says he’s almost there… he’s almost there… you’re cumming, you’re cumming!

“Fuuuuck…!” you hiss out into the room, just in time to hear Keigo cheer and Touya curse at him.

“I’m in the mood for egg in a basket, hop to it loser.” Keigo laughs and sounds like he just dodged some type of hit from Touya because the wall rumbles briefly. “Quit being sore about it, I’m gonna go wake (Name) up.”

You pull up the blankets over your body and feign sleep just as Keigo opens the door. The bed dips under his weight and he runs a hand through your hair to wake you up. His fingers are so gentle when he massages your scalp and you purr under the blankets, quietly moaning and whisper that you want more. “You can’t fool me little dove, I know you were playing with yourself. I smelled that sweet pussy as soon as I opened the door. You have fun giving yourself a nut?”

Ah man, so was there no point in hiding it if you were going to get caught?

“I didn’t think you’d find out.” you say as you turn over to face him.

Keigo snickers down at you and dips his hand down beneath the blanket to grab at your breast, his palm warm against your skin. “I was just joking dove but I guess I should have figured that you’re so insatiable that it’s the first thing you want in the morning.”

He tricked you!

“Keigo!” you whine and pull the blankets over your head. You can hear Touya calling you from outside the bedroom and asking what’s going on. Keigo assures him that he just told you a dumb joke and it made you cringe, covering up for you. ‘Our little secret’ he tells you with a wink and helps you out of bed. He hands you your bra that was discarded on the floor last night and a clean pair of your undies in the closet. You’ve got underwear on so you just put on a hoodie to cover up and walk hand in hand with Keigo out the bedroom.

Touya’s busy carving circles into pieces of bread while letting a pan heat on the stovetop, ingredients laid out on the countertop for breakfast. You go to his side to greet him good morning, kissing his cheek and asking what’s for breakfast despite already knowing the answer. You offer your help because you can see that he’s slightly annoyed at having to cook but he insists that he do it on his own.

“Wanna wake and bake?” Keigo asks, holding up a joint and waggling his eyebrows at you. If you hadn’t just given yourself an orgasm then sure you would have, but your head feels a little light and weed won’t remedy that so you decline. And since you don’t want to then neither does he, but then he offers if you want to powder your nose as he pulls out a little baggy with half a gram of coke in it. It would definitely wake you up and it’s honestly a little tempting but you don’t want doing this kind of thing to be a habit so you just say no.

If you told yourself a year ago that you’d be having breakfast with your two boyfriends who offer cocaine as an appetizer for breakfast, the you from before would tell you to stop fucking around.

Touya and Keigo take small bumps, sharp inhales of powder and they both let out a satisfied ‘ahh’ that it almost makes you feel left out. But you stay strong and tell yourself ‘No, I don’t need to do a bump to get myself started for the day.’ You sit in Keigo’s lap as he recounts the video game he and Touya were playing earlier together, boasting about his wins while Touya curses at him from the kitchen. The smell of eggs frying is in the air and your tummy rumbles in anticipation of breakfast. “Let’s feed our little princess here soon.”

You love them.

You love being with them, devoting most of your free time to Touya and Keigo because they always wanted you around, they needed you around them because they didn’t trust that you’d be safe anywhere else. But with spending so much time with them, aside from your courses and your job, you’ve downplayed your time with your friends who you haven’t seen for a while. You still text them back and forth here and there, some of them more in contact with you than others, but it’s been such a long time since you’ve hung out with at least one of them.

Speaking of which…

The three of you dig into breakfast together, crunches of toast and yolk dripping onto the dinner plates as you dig your fork into it, and you wonder how you’ll ask them. You contemplate the method you’ll ask if you can see one of your friends, just one that’s a girl that they’ve met before, just a small little catch up because she moved into a new place and just wants to have you over for a bit. Keigo pushes a cup of orange juice towards you and tells you to drink, a healthy beverage to start your day and you flash him a small smile in thanks.

After breakfast is over, you sit on the countertop and idly swing your legs as the boys clean up together. You’re scrolling through your phone and a text notification pop up from your friend and asks when you’ll be arriving. You tell her that you’re ‘figuring out your schedule’ because it sounds better than ‘let me ask my boyfriends if they’ll let me go’. It’s just a simple hangout with just one person but they’ve grown accustomed to you never really straying from them. They feel better knowing that it’s just you with them.

“Something on your mind dove? You look like you’re thinking about something.”

Your attention is snapped up to them, turquoise and gold set on you.

You carefully place your phone down on the countertop with the screen facing up to show that you have nothing to hide… you shouldn’t act so apprehensive, you really are doing nothing wrong. All this anxiety coursing through you, it shouldn’t be necessary for you to feel this way when all you’re going to do is just ask, “Can I hang out with one of my friends today?”

━━━━✧

It took some begging but Touya allowed you to go be with your friend after assuring him that it was just going to be a little catch up with her and that it wouldn’t extend to anything else. He was only going to allow you out for only two hours at most but Keigo managed to convince him to let you be out for another hour but all on the promise that you would not be a second late coming home. You were grateful because you didn’t think that you’d be able to convince Touya yourself to extend your time out without Keigo’s help.

It’s not controlling, they just want to make sure that you don’t lose track of time and that you come back home in time.

You convinced yourself that as you stand at the kitchen island with your friend Yumi. She just moved into this new house with a few other girls, introducing you to some of the roommates that were home and expressing her excitement to see you after such a long time. She points out how you used to be able to divide up your time between your schoolwork, your job, and friends but that she’s happy that you’re happy. Still, she laments how much she misses spending time with you and that your boyfriends should let you out every so often.

Boyfriends.

Everyone who’s apart of a certain scene on the campus knows that you’re pretty much dating Touya and Keigo together. It’s not as if you try to hide it or that you even tried to in the first place, not since that first roll with Keigo at that fateful house party. There was nothing low key about it either, you literally hold hands and kiss them both in public while they also reciprocate their own displays of affection towards you as well.

“They treat you good, right?” Yumi asks as she pushes a glass of water towards you.

Of course they do, they’ve given you nothing but their adoration for you and you were grateful to be with two people who cared and loved you so much.

She comments on the dress you decided to wear, telling you how nice it looks on you but that she never imagined it would be something you would wear. It’s a nice little dress with the sleeves rolled up to your forearms in your favorite color and paired with a nice pair of shoes. Yumi’s right to say that it’s a style that you never wore before, but Touya and Keigo have changed your wardrobe a little bit with pieces similar to what you were wearing at the moment. It made them look at you, it made them happy to see you wear what they gifted you, and they’re happy that you wear it just for them.

“Ow! Excuse you…” you’re bumped up against the kitchen island briefly, looking back at some girl that passed behind you just to get a glass from a cabinet. Yumi asks if she’s okay but the girl gives clipped answers with a hard gaze directed at you as if you spat in her face. She’s glowering at you as she walks out the kitchen and letting out a not so subtle huff as she leaves. You rub at your hip, it throbs a little from the impact but nothing that’s too bothersome and look uneasily at the entryway to the kitchen. “She did that on purpose…”

“I’m so sorry (Name), that’s my roommate Mai. I have no idea why she did that. I know she’s been in a shitty mood for the past week but she won’t say what for.” Yumi look apologetically at you and promises that she’ll talk to her roommate later.

“Shitty mood or not, she’s acting like I did something to her…”

What did I do to deserve that?

It dampens your mood a little bit but Yumi apparently has the perfect ‘pick me up’ as she pulls a little baggy from her pocket.

A little line would definitely up your mood right now and you know it’s from Touya, Yumi almost strictly buys from him.

It calls to you as you stare at the little baggy, wanting to crush and break down the rocks yourself until it’s a fine powder. Touya’s coke always goes in so smoothly when you break it down, doesn’t burn at all as you inhale the powder and will get you going. Funny how you declined a morning bump with the boys but with your friend you consider taking a line with her instead. Being on together gets the two of you talking and have fun, makes you more energetic and playful.

You’re tempted to tell her to break down a rock but you wonder if Touya will be okay if you just do a line or two.

It’s from Touya so you know it’s good.

You’re a grown girl, if you want to take a line then just do it.

You wonder if he’ll get mad when you tell him later on, already knowing that you can’t hide anything from Touya especially if you’re on. He’ll know instantly when you come back, probably will get mad that you didn’t let him know right away. But you don’t want to look stupid by needing to ask your boyfriend if you can take a line or two, or just a little bump.

You want a line.

You don’t want Touya to be mad at you.

Maybe just a bump…

He’ll still know no matter how little you take.

“(Name)? Want a line?”

It shouldn’t scare you so much to do this, there were plenty of times Keigo and Touya came to you already on something without letting you know so why shouldn’t you?

Don’t use that… you know what happened last time you used the ‘you do it so why shouldn’t I’ argument.  

You already pushed Touya’s buttons asking to hang out with Yumi, you don’t want to put him in an even worse mood… But it looks so good in the little baggy, so enticing and you know it will put you in a better mood after that Mai girl gave you that attitude for no reason. Keigo would most likely back you up if you explained yourself to the both of them.

You love being a good girl for them but there’s no harm in being a little bad every once in a while.

“Okay, make me a line.”

Four lines later and you’re back home in exactly three hours like promised. But when you push your key into the lock, you can hear Touya’s frustrated voice on the other side and you’re nervous. If you had known that he was going to be in a bad mood coming back then you definitely would not have done those lines. You open the door and slip off your shoes, carefully treading into the apartment and see Touya in the kitchen leaning against the countertop with his phone by his ear. He stands up sharply and walks to you and you think that he knows and brace yourself for a tongue lashing.

Instead he pecks your cheek and puts on his shoes to go outside, the last words you catch from him before he shuts the door are, “Little fucking cunt…”

Keigo sits on the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table and he’s just scrolling through his phone before looking up at you and smiling. “Ah songbird, welcome back! How was visiting Yumi? You ladies have a good time?”

You hum nonchalantly and curl into Keigo’s side, his arm around your waist and also pressing a kiss to your cheek. “Was fun, yeah. It was fun catching up, I didn’t realize how long it’d been since I’d last seen her.” you tell him and look at the screen of Keigo’s phone, photos and videos shared and posted by online friends and pages he follows. “Her house is throwing a party next weekend, she invited all of us.”

Actually she just invited you since she doesn’t see much of you anymore, but of course she tacked on at the end, “Your boys can come too if they want, but I’d like to just steal you away for one night if I can.”

The chances of them letting you go to a party by yourself a pretty slim. Touya hasn’t trusted you to go to a party by yourself, not since the LSD incident. He also loosely uses that first house party incident when you locked yourself in that room and mixed coke and ecstasy after you and him had that fight. He still uses those instances against you even though it’s been so long since then, makes you feel guilty for not being more careful and making him worry.

“We’ll see how Touya feels, alright songbird?”

“Okay… why’s Touya so mad on the phone?” you dare to ask, thinking about the frustrated way his eyebrows were knit and how his jaw was clenched when you walked through the door. “Did something happen?”

“It’s nothing important dove, it’s Touya’s issue to deal with so just let him handle it. Now c’mon, tell me more about your visit with Yumi. What did you talk about? You girls do anything special?” Keigo’s trying to distract you from whatever it was Touya was talking about on the phone. You have some weird gut feeling about it but you know better than to ask, lest you want Touya to bare his teeth at you.

When you look at Keigo, he’s got an expectant look in his eyes and you know that you’re caught. There’s no point in lying to him either, he can see it in your eyes. It was just a few lines, no harm and they’re from Touya. He should understand though, right?

You tell him.

“(Name)…”

Oh no, not songbird or dove or baby bird.

Your name.

“What? It was from Touya, Yumi doesn’t buy from anyone else except from him. It wasn’t a lot, it was just four lines.” you defend yourself but you have to control the shake in your hands as you sit away from him. The anxiety from getting in trouble with either of them doesn’t sit well with you but you’re not sorry for what you did. You had a good reason and you were with someone you trusted, nothing wrong happened. And yet you still feel Touya’s impending wrath even though he knows nothing just yet. “It’s not a big deal.”

Keigo begs to differ, of course he does because him and Touya think almost alike. “That’s not the point, you know how he feels about you taking anything without him being there. You know that and you decided to be bad instead.”

“It was from Touya!”

“I’m not arguing with you, you know what you can and can’t do when we’re not around. We let you be with your friend and you decide to take mile when we gave you an inch. Once Touya comes back he’s going to know you’re on, you know you can’t hide that kind of thing from him.” Keigo sighs. His own brows are knitted in frustration, he’s not exactly happy to get you in trouble but with Touya in a bad mood already from that phone call and you sniffing lines behind their back, there’s not much he can do from his end.

“Keigo!” you whine to him, now genuinely anxious to get in trouble. “Please, you know I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“If it were just me then yes dove, I would let it go. But you know how Touya is so you should know better.” Keigo runs a hand through his hair and struggles to look at you. “Can you at least tell me why you did it?”

Okay it sounds stupid coming out of your mouth but you tell him, “Because a girl was being mean to me for no reason!”

How much more petulant can you sound right now?

“Really dove? Because a girl was mean to you?” Keigo half-laughs, unbelieving of the reason you gave him. “What did she do?”

She just kept on acting as if you were a nuisance, like you did something to her even though you had never met this girl in your life before. That one line ended up becoming four because that Mai girl returned several times with that same mean stare and some snippy comments when you haven’t done anything wrong to her. She even had the audacity to bump into your shoulder one last time just right before you left. “I never even met this Mai girl before, never seen her before ever in my life and she’s acting like I stole her boyfriend or something.”

Keigo looks at you and bites his bottom lip that’s paired with a worried brow.

He knows something.

You can see it in those golden honey eyes.

You have to know.

“Is Mai someone you know? You know something Keigo, don’t hide anything from me.”

“I shouldn’t baby bird, it’s not your concern.”

Oh no, he’s not getting out of this so you press him harder. You let them get away with keeping certain secrets away from you, you’ve accepted that some things really shouldn’t be to your knowledge. But with this random girl that has a vendetta against you then you have to know exactly what connection there is between the two of you. You grow frustrated as Keigo stands his ground and swears that he’s not going to tell you anything, anger blooming in your chest and you just want to lash out at him. But yelling at Keigo won’t be effective, you know it won’t be, so you settle for something that you know will break him; you start to cry.

Keigo is all over you in a second, bringing you into his arms and trying to hush you.

You put on a good performance, squeezing tears out your eyes the best you can and hiccuping that he’s lying to you about something.

He hates being called a liar.

“I’m not lying to you dove, I’m not! It’s just not that important for you to know.” he insists but you can see the crease in his brow that he’s going to give in.

You cough a little and wipe at your tears, pouting your bottom lip at him. “So you literally don’t care that this girl is being mean to me? You’d rather defend her integrity than give a fuck about me? Your girlfriend?”

Damn look at you, you deserve a fucking award.

Keigo’s cracking, you can see it, just a little more nudging…

“You think I’m stupid or something? Who is she Keigo? What, one of Touya’s whores?”

He sucks air between his teeth. “… She used to be.”

Whoa… what?

You’re taken aback by the admission.

“Huh?”

Keigo wipes away the tear stains on your cheeks, his thumb gentle just underneath the skin of your eye and he holds your cheek in the palm of his hand. “Touya dumped one of his whores just a week ago, a girl on campus named Mai. I’ve seen her a few times but nothing more than that. The person that he’s on the phone with, it’s her. She’s kind of been harassing him ever since he dropped her, she’s not taking it well but he’s been trying to hide it from you.”

Wow… Touya finally dropped one of his whores after a year with you. And what were the chances that you finally met one that happens to room with your friend, especially the one that he just most recently dropped?

A normal person would have obviously not tolerated that kind of thing and ended it way before then.

But you’re not in a normal relationship.

“He… He really did that?” you’re astonished as you wipe your cheeks to ensure there are no leftover tear stains.

Keigo pets a hand through your hair and gives you a reassuring smile. “I told you that you’re his priority dove. He’s choosing you, he loves you.”

He loves you.

Touya loves you.

“But I’ve never even met her before, how does she even know me?”

“Come on dove, you know that this isn’t a secret. People know how we pull up to parties together or even see us walking down the street. I’m just surprised that you’re finally meeting one of them after all this time and she just happens to roommate with your friend.” Keigo chuckles as he hugs you in his arms, a happy smile on his face that reflects your own. He’s happy to see you happy, happy to see Touya making a big step in the relationship.

“It’s weird though, a year together and I finally meet one of the whores. Well I guess ex-whore now. Isn’t that crazy?”

Keigo decides to keep quiet how Touya made it clear to the other girls a long time ago that they were not to ever approach you. You were already dealing with insecurities of just knowing about them in the relationship, the last thing you needed was to actually know their identities. As messed up as it was, Touya is not against fucking anyone up when it came to you and that included the whores. And each of them knew to heed his warning, he was not to be trifled with. Yet here’s one of them now, the mere coincidence of you meeting one, when Touya intended to just quietly drop them without ever letting you know.

“He loves you dove.” Keigo takes your hand in his, his thumb gently brushing over your knuckles. “We love you.”

Your heart flutters.

You love them.

You’re in love with them.

You’re in love with Keigo.

You’re in love with Touya.

You want to tell them, you want to say it, you almost said it to Touya one night but you had passed out from cumming too hard. You wanted to say it to Keigo but it didn’t feel right to say it to only one of them first and then the other second. So you resolved to find the right time to say it to the both of them at the same time. And you figure after you say it, there will be plenty of times they’ll get singular ‘I love you’s when either of them are alone with you.

Touya walks through the door, a frustrated sigh leaving his lips as he slips off his shoes and makes his way towards you. “Everything okay babe?” you ask, trying to act innocent and unknowing of the real reason why Touya was on the phone and exited the apartment.

“Yeah, things are fine doll.” Touya answers as he leans down to kiss your cheek. But as he retreats back, it only takes a second for him to look into your eyes and he knows. He grabs your chin and makes you look straight at him, his gaze a little hard because you can see that he’s still irritated. “You’re on right now?”

Well it’s time to face the music.

“I fixed her a big line while you were out, said that she was kinda tired still from last night and needed to wake up.” Keigo jumps in before you even get the chance to say anything, his hand on your knee squeezing to let you know he’s got you.

Keigo is such a big softie for you, you knew he couldn’t stand to see you get in trouble with Touya.

So you play along and bat your lashes up at Touya. “Is that okay with you?”

“Of course doll, it’s our home.” Touya pulls a pack of cigarettes from his pocket along with a lighter, tells you he’s gonna have a smoke on the balcony. Keigo decides to join him, giving you a sly little wink as they both open the sliding door and step outside.

You lean into the couch and put on a movie to drown out their talking, giving them some privacy but you pay more attention to them as they light their cigarettes and easily blow out billows of smoke.

It may have taken a year but Touya finally got rid of one of the whores, whether or not she’s still buy from him is none of your concern. He’ll eventually dwindle the list down until it really is only you, and you look forward to when that day will finally come. And even though Keigo had only joined the relationship at the half way point for you and Touya, you’re so grateful that he came into it and helped you through all your hangup and insecurities whenever you weren’t feeling the best with Touya.

They’ve taken care of you, protected you, they know what’s best for you, you can’t function without them. You’d turn a blind eye to almost anything if they told you to, whatever they want to stay theirs.

You’re all they have and they’re all yours.

I love them.

[merkavahpartyvan]

Time is who you've been, not what you've done

People consider time to be a sequence of events, one after the other, in a cause and effect arrangement that runs as a continuous string of dominoes across the cosmos. This is not entirely correct. That is one way to see time, yes. It is easy for most people to see time this way.

Time is, after all, a mirror.

This is why I say that time is who you are. Time reflects on who you've been to understand who you are now and who you want to become in the future. Most people consider themselves to be the results of cause and effect, and thus they see time quite linearly and through the lens of causality.

To see time differently, you have to consider yourself differently. This isn't a permanent change--it's not a change at all. You're just adjusting the angle on the mirror of memory that you use to reflect on your life.

Angle adjustment isn't anything new to you. Everyone's undergone it at some point--a small adjustment when learning a new small truth about the world, a large adjustment when going through a rite of passage to a new stage of development.

If you think back to how you saw the world as a child, you're using the lens that you used as a child to see through time with. You'll remember understanding the world from the point of view of its limitless potential, from the angle of an explorer mapping out a world of mystery.

For subtle keys to capture a state like this, try to think of things you learned at developmental stages that you now take for granted. For instance, can you remember what the world was like before you learned the story of Superman, or Santa Claus, or how rain actually works? Do you remember the world from the point of view of a child who didn't know that breakfast eggs came from chickens? Do you remember the first time you tried to solve the chicken or the egg riddle, for that matter?

Remembering a state like that and what your mind was doing at the time, what you were thinking about the concept and how you handled it for the first time, will help you remember what you were like during that stage of your life. And this will help you see yourself as still being that person, but now walking through an entirely different world, and having walked so much of it already since then. You can start to see yourself from an angle you saw yourself from before.

From the point of view of the person who doesn't know yet where eggs come from, how do you feel about infinity? What do you think about potential? What does a chicken mean as a symbol to you if you don't know it lays an egg yet? Decoupling a chicken from the cycle of cause and effect helps us consider it differently, as not just a vessel for creation of and dispensation of eggs, but as a thinking, living animal.

What was it like the first time you did a job in return for pay? What was your mind like, what was in it? What was your mind like before that? This mental state is what you were like before you had your own concept of work for pay. When you think from that perspective, the pre-job perspective, about yourself, what do you think of yourself as? A worker in an occupation, or a person with a name and interests and emotions?

Time is who you've been. Time travel is moving between the selves you've been and will be and using the knowledge of what you learned from your new angles to your advantage. It can be healing, destructive, confusing, illuminating, daunting, freeing. Most of all it is a method of helping yourself across all barriers, in defiance of any opposition, to give you a clearer sense of identity and a better tomorrow. It is not about increasing your accomplishments or chaining together the perfect causality. It is simply about being yourself as much as possible, allowing yourself the chances you deserve, as far as you can reach across the span of your infinite existence.

[samuraipussy]

I was very excited about the first half of this because cultural context is ignored widely by most fandom meta I've seen but then we hit a wall.

I get where you were going with this, but you do realize that transgender people existed before we came up with contemporary transgender identities, right? You do realize that a key part of the transgender identity is having a gender outside of the currently prescribed acceptable gender identities for your agab, right? That the existence of an Official Gender within the society you live in is NOT a prerequisite for being transgender, but quite the opposite?

Trans people and our identities were not invented 10 years ago. The current way that we talk about our identities and process them in our heads has evolved to what it is today, definitely, but people don't identify as trans solely because we invented categories for them to identify into. There have always and will always be people who identified outside of the gender roles available to them at the time, which occasionally led to that culture inventing boxes that could fit them (like third genders), but not always. This is a chicken and egg situation.

What is a contemporary western lens applied to this story is that Mizu cannot be transgender because they don't fit current definitions of a trans identity, which is exactly what this fandom is doing right now. Regardless of how you HC mizu's internal identity, even if you interpret it as an afab person that fully identifies as a woman but is forced to live as a man full time for their whole life, it's still inherently a transgender story, because modern ideas of gender identity cannot be applied to history. The themes themselves are inherently trans and if Mizu was a real person, actual historians would absolutely be purposefully studying their life through a queer and trans lens.

Also I am begging everyone interested in queer history to talk to queer historians because I've had this conversation with all of my museum and historical research friends repeatedly and it takes place all the time in research settings: no, looking at people in history through a queer lens is not erasure. Forcing contemporary language and identity discovery processes onto them can be iffy if you don't actually understand the context they lived in and the way they would actually think about their identity, but identifying queer experiences and themes in historical figures and exploring their lives with that in mind is NOT erasure, it's a perfectly acceptable way to look at history, one that has been rejected in the field for decades because queer people were themselves rejected. There is a vast array of queer historians today who do exactly that.

since my post about sexuality in bes took off, i've been thinking about making one about gender because people have been even more Chronically Western about that than anything. but the topic of gender has also been talked to death about this show.

still. i've yet to see a single person touch on the actual historical aspect of gender in this period of japan. (weeaboos where ARE yall??? i cannot be the only one left here jfc)

so, more below the cut.

okay. so. before westernization and christianity came in and obliterated and sanitized the culture, there were 3 recognized genders that i know of. there was possibly a fourth but my research only got me so far on that and i gave it up a long time ago. i'm gonna be talking about the 3 i do know about.

male and female were the obvious ones. aligns exactly how you think. cock and balls = male/man, vag and tits = female/woman. yes, there were many crossdressers of both genders. yes, there were people who by today's language and understanding would be considered trans. they, however, did not have these words nor have a need for them. you were either man or woman. or...

then there was a third, which was USUALLY but not always applied to adolescent males called wakashu. the closest thing you might refer it to is androgynous. earlier in edo period it was pretty much a catch-all for any adolescent male, but much later it became far more specific to the exceptional beauty of the young male. a wakashu was a sex icon, something to be desired and lusted after, so beautiful and alluring that even the most stoic and hardened samurai warrior could break and beg for their attention. and yes, we're talking about minors. wakashu were typically in the 6-17 age range. many delayed their coming-of-age ceremony (which would then make a wakashu a man) well into their 20s. and there are records of some who continued to identify as wakashu even into adulthood. a person could decide when it was time to move from wakashu to man, it wasn't so set in stone.

this time in japan did have a lot of strictness but there was also a whole hell of a lot of fluidity that was just so extremely normal for them. choosing to remain wakashu wasn't a big deal. want to go on to be a man? cool, congrats on all your man-related responsibilities now hurry up and find a wife. want to remain wakashu? cool, congrats on all the awesome sex you're gonna be having and the many things you'll be learning. either way was a good path. you were likely to have a bit more opportunities gaining power and land going forward as a man, but as wakashu you'd be expected to be an apprentice and learn more things from your teacher (while also sexually servicing him, extra bonus - most of the time.), so both had benefits. a samurai class wakashu, for example, would very likely go on to be a man since by nature of being samurai they have tons more opportunity. but a peasant wakashu would probably be more likely to remain wakashu and learn as much as possible and earn as much money as possible (since they were often prostitutes or performers as well).

so desirable were wakashu that sometimes female prostitutes tried to disguise themselves as one to attract more clients. they were often indistinguishable from women with their colorful and intricate kimono - sometimes the hairstyle was the only giveaway. and though the japanese didn't give a shit about the gender they were fucking, as i've covered before, true wakashu enjoyed a bit more freedoms with sex than did women pretending to be wakashu. like i mentioned in my previous post how they did have specific terms for who was giving and who was receiving in sex, certain aspects played into this. wakashu were expected to receive when with men, and expected to give with women. this would of course depend a little upon caste heirarchy too but that was the general gist of it. women on the other hand were expected to always receive. (and although straps were very much a thing, you'll find the double ended dildo far more popular amongst w/w relationships - at least in depictions. in reality it was probably an equal mix.)

the concept of wakashu has not entirely left japanese culture and has actually since been divvied up into the two aspects it represented: youth (shonen) and beauty (bishonen). hence why shonen manga and anime is so popular, why there are always always always bishonen prominent in manga and anime, why yaoi often has the strict dichotomy of uke and seme. and why shotac-n remains so wildly popular while the loli opposite has gradually declined with the introduction of censorship laws. the entire concept surrounding adolescent males is still very rooted in the role that the wakashu gender played until quite recent in history. (it formally ended in the meiji era, which was not that long ago.)

now with all of that said, where does mizu fall? she's still a woman. plain and simple. had she been born in late edo, she would have absolutely been considered an extraordinarily beautiful wakashu and lusted after constantly. people would be tripping over themselves to bed her. but being early edo that was not the case and she is still a woman having to disguise as a man in order to survive so she can fulfill her goal. that must be acknowledged. that is a key point that is brought up many times within the show. to ignore that fact is to erase who mizu is. she is masking as a man because she has been told since childhood being a woman would get her killed. because she has seen it far too many times how simply existing as a woman leads to a dead end. because she tried it and it turned out exactly as she was told. being a woman is not an option in her quest for revenge. if she weren't mixed race, though? i'd bet my left hand she would have embraced the hell out of wakashu and used it to her advantage. screw sex as an art, mizu would have made it a weapon. mizu wielding both a sword and the sexuality of wakashu would make her the deadliest thing in all of japan. however, that wasn't the case and we musn't ignore what is ths case. in her world, she is a woman forced to disguise as a man. period.

mizu by today's standard's is a whole different story, though. there is enough ambiguity that she can fit nearly any label you want to slap on her and that's fine. we have a lot more leniency with modern western terms. we have a huge spectrum of gender and you can toss her just about anywhere on it. you are all correct and incorrect simultaneously because any modern terminology applied to her is automatically headcanon. and just as i emphasized on my last post, headcanons, fics, AUs, ect, are exactly where these modern western ideals belong. it's awesome that she resonates with so many different gender identities - few characters in media can pull that off so well! yall should absolutely celebrate that! use her to express your gender euphoria! but do so while remembering who she is in canon. her canon experience is not pure fiction. there are still people in today's world that must disguise themselves out of necessity and quite often that ends up being women of color. there are people in living history who had to do that to survive.

you can respect the source material and also have your own unique headcanons and perspectives. both can be true.

[i-am-arcana-trash]

Memories at the End

So a while ago I wrote about Laurel and Muriel as an old married couple. In that I said that Laurel would probably die first and in her older years she develops dementia.

This was written from the lens of someone who has personal experience with dementia and works extensively with individuals who have it. Your experience with it may be different.

TW: Death

Muriel groaned as he sat up in bed. Over the years, his joints ached more and more in the morning.

He looked over his shoulder as Laurel stirred.

"Morning love...how you feeling?"

Laurel sat up, pressing a kiss to his exposed back, leaning against him.

"The usual..."

Laurel pouted crawling out of bed to grab his salves from the little shelf below the window. She sat in front of him gently massaging the cream into his joints. Despite their advancing age she was as young and spry as ever, even as he began to feel the weight of years of hard living.

When she was done, she pulled his hair back into a low braid before finding his walking staff, handing it to him and helping him to stand. Muriel pulled his egg apron off the hook by the door, and filled a pail with chicken feed

It was still in the early hours of sunlight, dew coated the forest floor. It was spring, but rain from the night before had cleared the air, their footsteps softened by the rain soaked ground.

The chickens clucked softly in the front yard as Muriel set out for some eggs, spreading feed as he went. The girls following him, knowing he was their meal ticket.

Laurel set to their small garden, picking berries and other produce for breakfast and lunch. This had been the routine for years and Muriel had come to love the quiet sounds of them working together in the early light of day.

After 20 minutes, Muriel had his apron full of eggs, he turned to the garden, but found Laurel wasn't there.

"Laurel....?"

He called out to her, but no response. Normally he would have asked Inanna to go looking for her, but his sweet wonderful wolf had been laid to rest several years ago. They still had Volta of course...but Inanna's loss had been difficult to bear even surrounded by his loved ones.

"Laurel?!" Muriel's voice rang out again and he was ready to tear into the woods, when Laurel came stumbling out of the trees. She looked okay but when her eyes met his, there was something strange in her eyes."

"Sorry I went off for the supplies."

Muriel looked confused "Laurel don't joke around, where did you go?"

Laurel stopped, her face confused before looking into her bowl, realizing it was filled with various small sticks and dried leaves.

Suddenly Laurel blinked several times, before looking at Muriel again "Muriel..? I'm sorry...I thought we needed this apparently."

Muriel closed the gap between them, stroking her cheek, "Are you okay?"

"I feel okay.....but..."

She paused her sentence

"I don't know why I did that..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laurel wrung her hands out as Julian fretted over her. He had come into the forest after Laurel had stopped by his clinic a few days earlier.

"Laurel you need to tell me all you know?"

"Julian....Muriel and I told you everything. I don't know why it happened or why it keeps happening."

Julian sighed, rubbing the back of his head "I don't want to alarm you both.....but that is concerning"

Muriel looked over at Laurel, gently squeezing her hand as she spoke. "What can we do...."

Julian steepled his fingers "If it's what I think it is.....there isn't anything to do...."

"And what does that mean?"

Julian sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"It's not uncommon that as you get older you may have lapses in memory. However....what you're describing can be progressive. It starts as little lapses in memory, but...."

Julian sighed, he looked to be bracing himself "I'm not an expert, but it could lead to larger lapses, or complete loss of memories."

Muriel finally spoke up, his calm demeanor helping ease the tension in the room.

"If it can't be stopped, what can we do."

Julian smiled slightly "Enjoy your time together, make more memories, keep your brain active. Like I said, I'm not an expert, but I'll help you however I can if you need it."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the course of several years, Laurel began to lose more of her memory. She started out just placing things in random spots, her hairbrush in Muriel's egg apron, blankets tossed to the floor where she insisted they belonged. Sometimes coming in from the garden with nothing but rocks in her bowl.

Eventually she began to wander, deeper and deeper into the forest. On more than one occasion, Muriel had to enlist Volta's help to find her.

Standing in a stream, on the edge of a drop off. She had begun forgetting him more often. Once Asra came to visit, Faust swaying on his shoulders and Laurel had flinched back, too scared of the little snake to greet them.

Faust was devastated "But....friend."

She saw Julian once a month as things progressed. She began reading more, she would play solitaire as a way to try to keep her mind occupied. However, Laurel knew, when her mind would be clear, she was slowly losing her memories.

But despite this, she still applied his salves in the morning. And some days she seemed completely like her old self. She still loved to tell him bad jokes even if he knew all the punch lines now. Sometimes she would smile at him, kiss his lips and say his name.

Sometimes Laurel wanted stories.

"Tell me how we beat the Devil again."

"You were there."

"You know I can't remember."

She had spoken with her friends, told them how much she cared for them, even if she couldn't remember them. She made them all small trinkets, and she had a matching one, so they would be connected, even if she couldn't always remember them.

----------------------------------------------------------

In the last year of her life, Laurel no longer spoke, but she did hum. She would hum the same tune, that didn't seem to originate from any of the songs in Vesuvia, perhaps something she'd heard before her first death. She would wander the hut doing the same little tasks, specifically folding laundry and remaking their bed. She liked to pace the garden, attempting to corral the chickens. Julian came by to check on her and Asra would bring supplies. Trips to the city having become difficult as her condition worsened, for less stress Muriel kept them close to home.

----------------------------------------------------------

When she passed it was quick. She was so tired. Muriel's last memories with her, she held his hand and hummed her random tune, and he kept her comfortable.

Muriel stayed by her side to the end and upon her passing, buried her near Inanna. In a forest clearing, where she could see the stars.

[satoshi-mochida]

Rabbit & Bear Studios, a Tokyo-based studio formed by key creators of the Suikoden series, has announced Eiyuden Chronicle: Hundred Heroes, an ambitious new RPG planned for release in fall 2022. A Kickstarter campaign seeking $500,000 USD in funding for a PC release—with a single stretch goal to unlock PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X, and Switch versions (or next-gen Switch, if one is available)—will run from July 27 at 9:00 a.m. PT / 12:00 p.m. ET to August 28. A trailer will also debut when the campaign launches.

Eiyuden Chronicle: Hundred Heroes is led by Suikoden I and II veteran scenario writer Yoshitaka Murayama, alongside series veterans Junko Kawano, Osamu Komuta, and Junichi Murakami. The project marks the first time these four creators have worked on a game together, as well as the first time Murayama and Kawano have collaborated in 25 years.

“The first thing we decided when our members came together was, ‘It’s about time we made a really interesting game that we ourselves want to make,'” project lead Murayama said in a press release. “We chose Kickstarter in order to make an interesting game with the players in mind, hold the rights to the planning, world, and story of the game, all while keeping the fun of the project. Please lend us your support in this new challenge of ours! We promise to create something that heeds the call of your voices.”

Speaking to Gematsu, Murayama shared more information on the game’s similarities to Suikoden and what elements of the series will carry over.

“Eiyuden Chronicle is about war, or more importantly, the intention and feelings of the 100 heroes who fight that war from a variety of perspectives and for a variety of different reasons,” Murayama told Gematsu. “And of course the drama that can only occur when a group of different people from different walks of life come together and must wage a war of life and death.”

Murayama continued, “And the many characters that participate in this war aren’t just pawns added in as ‘war fodder,’ they have a living breathing soul and begrudgingly must fight to protect the things they believe in. Additionally, there are non-combat specialists, researchers, and other ‘heroes’ on the periphery that can help win battles or lose them. Each and every one of them is a living breathing character that the player gives life to through their choices.”

Each character has their own strengths and weaknesses that can be leveraged to help the player form a balanced team.

“Some characters are good are some things and bad at others,” Murayama explained. “But if you combine them with other characters that can strengthen their weaknesses, you can end up with a really balanced team. And based on that delicate balance your team make be more apt at mining or adventuring which will affect the overall game progression loop. One of the core game loops in Eiyuden is to experience the wide variety of different characters and personalities in your 100 person army.

“With each new character your ‘fortress town’ grows in size and ability. It is a key system in the game. As you increase your teammates, some members will be blacksmiths, some chefs and whether on the battlefield or not, each character will play a role in strengthening your resolve as an army. There are guilds that you can join which will largely change the visual make-up of your fortress town and grant different abilities. The more people you recruit, the stronger the snowball effect. As you level up, new trade options appear along with enemies and thieves that randomly attack your town in an effort to impede your progress. You need to make choices whether to strengthen your walls or hasten your progress. Each choice will make every play session feel different and have its own consequences.”

According to Murayama, all of this is “just the tip of the iceberg,” meaning that fans can expect much more to come.

Here is an overview of the game, via Rabbit & Bear Studios:

■ About

Eiyuden Chronicle: Hundred Heroes is an ode to the classic Japanese RPG genre from the PlayStation era that will feature classic Japanese RPG exploration and battles in high-resolution 2.5D graphics, pixel-based characters, a story of war and friendship, a diverse cast of 100 unique heroes to join the protagonist’s endeavor, and a fortress building system to grow their army.

The game will feature a guild system that allows players to change their fortress attributes based on the guild they join. Battles will be turn-based with parties of up to six members and feature dynamic boss battles that change camera angle and rotate depending on the environment.

■ Studio and Staff

Rabbit & Bear Studios

Founded March 26th, 2020 by Yoshitaka Murayama, Rabbit & Bear Studios asks the age old question, what do gamers really want? It’s something we must never forget as creators. To continually focus on giving the fans the experience they really want.

We have created Rabbit & Bear Studios as the first step in realizing that dream and to have the responsibility that comes with it. That’s our core philosophy and we plan to lead by our actions.

Staff

Story: Yoshitaka Murayama (Suikoden, Suikoden II, The Alliance Alive)

Character Design: Junko Kawano (Suikoden, Suikoden IV, Arca Last)

System Design and Direction: Osamu Komuta (Suikoden Tierkreis, Suikoden Tactics, Arca Last)

Art Direction and Production: Junichi Murakami (Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow, OZ)

Composers: Michiko Naruke (Wild Arms series), Motoi Sakuraba (Tales of series), and more.

■ Story

Welcome to the Continent of Allraan

“Our story begins in one corner of Allraan, a tapestry of nations with diverse cultures and values.

By dint of sword, and by way of magical objects known as “rune-lenses,” the land’s history has been shaped by the alliances and aggressions of the humans, beastmen, elves, and desert people who live there.

The Galdean Empire has edged out other nations and discovered a technology that amplifies the rune-lenses’ magic. Now, the Empire is scouring the continent for an artefact that will expand their power even further.

It is on one such expedition that Seign Kesling, a young and gifted imperial officer, and Nowa, a boy from a remote village, meet each other and become friends.

However, a twist of fate will soon drag them into the fires of war, and force them both to reexamine everything they believe to be right and true.”

■ Characters

Nowa (Default Name)

Sex: Male

Age: 17 years old

Home: A remote village in the League of Nations

Favorite Food: Anything with meat in it

“That’s who I am. A meddler. Always will be—just ask Leene. So don’t tell me to do nothing. I may not be able to help them, but I have to at least try.”

When the League of Nations recruits warriors to assist in a joint expedition with the Galdean Empire, our protagonist answers the call and leaves his remote village to test his skills. On the mission, he finds an ancient rune-lens, unaware that the discovery will spark a war between the League and the Empire. After the conflict begins, he joins a unit in the League’s border guard.

The protagonist is the “leap before you look” type. He doesn’t always weigh the pros and cons before springing to action, and while his constant need to involve himself in other people’s problems sometimes creates headaches for his companions, they like him for it and know his heart is in the right place. After all, if they ever got into trouble, he’d be the first person there.

Seign Kesling

Sex: Male

Age: 18 years old

Home: A noble house in the Galdean Empire

Favorite Food: Poached eggs

“I can dream all I want, but it won’t change a thing. The world is not that kind. So if the only way to achieve my ideals is to betray them first, then I will do that—unflinchingly. You have my word.”

The second-born son to House Kesling, a powerful imperial family. His older brother died on the battlefield. Seign is exceptionally gifted; after achieving outstanding grades at military academy, he was placed in command of a company of his peers and sent on the expedition to find the ancient rune-lens. During the mission, he meets the protagonist. The two warm to each other as they overcome adversity, and they learn of one another’s ambitions.

Seign’s strategic mind allows him to analyze things from a broad perspective and make sound decisions. People often confuse his clear mind for a cold heart, but he is guided by strong ideals and a deep passion to fulfill them.

After his brother’s death during a border rebellion, Seign began to think long and hard about what it means to fight.

Marisa

Sex: Female

Age: 16 years old

Profession: One of the Guardians who watches over the forest

Favorite Food: Herbed chicken

“You just leave the forest to me. I know where the water springs, where the rabbits burrow—and most importantly, where your enemies will try to hide.”

A young member of the Guardians, a clan that hallows and protects the forest. Since Marisa was very little, her family has instilled their ways and traditions in her. She has a warm, affable smile—except on the battlefield, where she wears the countenance of a warrior.

Although the Guardians live as one with the forest, they have respect for the outside world’s culture and technology, and they are not against integrating the parts of it that make sense to them. Marisa is particularly forward-thinking in this regard, and loves new things—especially cute things.

Over the generations, the Guardians have developed a unique method of wielding the rune-lenses. For that reason, both the Empire and the protagonist try to win them over to their camp. Whom the Guardians choose will prove to be a major turning point in history.

Melridge

Sex: Male

Age: 27 years old

Profession: A scholar of natural history

Favorite Food: Duck soup

“You should lay down arms and surrender. That’s the quickest way to end this… No? Very well. Then I suppose I’ll provide you with the next best thing: a winning strategy.”

A young scholar who specializes in natural history. He yearns to know of every last thing in the world, and exactly how it got there. He also happens to be a genius tactician, and will be a valuable asset to the protagonist.

That said, he views warfare as the most pointless of all human endeavors, and any personal contributions to it as a complete waste of time.

Garr

Sex: Male

Age: 32 years old

Profession: Warrior in a clan of mercenaries

Favorite Food: Pancakes slathered with whipped cream

“Only a soft-brained leader runs headlong into danger. Anyone who knows what’s good for him will tell you you’ve lost it, kid. But not me. If blaze-of-glory’s your thing, count me in. We all die in the end. Might as well make it interesting.”

A veteran beastman warrior. He and his clan make their living as mercenaries, and their vast experience and sheer brutality put them in high demand. War is all Garr has known, and to him life is one battlefield after the other until you die.

When a conflict breaks out, every army wants as many beastmen as they can afford. Because mercenary contracts are made with individuals and not the entire clan, it is not uncommon for Garr and his fellow beastmen to face each other as enemies in the field.

Lian

Sex: Female

Age: 16 years old

Home: A martial arts dojo

Favorite Food: Super-spicy ramen

“Uhh, maybe I’m dumbing this down a little, but—like—if a bunch of arrogant swine strut into YOUR home and started acting like they owned the place, what would YOU do? ‘Cause there’s your answer.”

After the Empire’s forces invade League lands, Lian is infuriated and runs away from home…without even the slightest semblance of a plan. She decides the first thing to do is hoof it to the biggest town she can find, and luckily that’s where she meets the protagonist and his companions.

Lian was born in a dojo, and her father wasted no time in teaching her. She was doing roundhouse kicks before she even learned to walk properly.

Mio

Sex: Female

Age: 27 years old

Home: The Far East

Favorite Food: Bamboo-wrapped sasa dumplings

“The road you walk is one, and yet its endpoints are myriad. You can still choose where the road takes you.”

A swordswoman who is journeying to perfect the way of the blade. She has a stoic personality and rarely speaks, unless it’s to challenge someone she views as a worthy opponent.

When she does open her mouth to say something, it’s straight to the point and usually dripping with wisdom, so the people around her have taken to calling her “sensei.” However, even the greatest of senseis do have the occasional brain fart…

■ World

The Waterstead of Quinja

The Seaside Cavern

Watch a gameplay teaser video below. View the first screenshots and artwork at the gallery.

[jedi-order-apologist]

Irony of fandom is it actually represents the in-universe belief people had about the Jedi, esp once the Empire propaganda kicked off. All believe Jedi started the war, they didn't help slaves on Tatooine etc it's forgotten the Republic was the culprit. Empire pointed at these flaws but did nothing about it either. Slavery didn't disappear under them but people still feel Jedi should've done something about it. War ended but tyranny like Death Star came in, but Jedi are worse. They had to end :/

Oh, certainly. Some of the anti-Jedi stuff can in-fact be directly traced back to stuff Palpatine says on screen.

All the stuff about the Jedi not appreciating/trusting Anakin and holding him back? All more or less paraphrased from what Palpatine said (or from Anakin repeating it) to feed Anakin’s ego and manufacture/exacerbate tensions between Anakin and the Council. These lines get absorbed into fandom, and the initial context gets lost somewhere along the way - that Palpatine was deliberately trying to isolate Anakin. It was part of his manipulation and grooming tactics to convince Anakin into essentially cutting himself off from (or at least undermining) his support structure, by convincing him they all had the worst intentions towards him. Unfortunately, some of the audience buys into this as well, often forgetting that Palpatine was the one who planted the idea in the first place, and then applies that “worst intentions” lens to all of Anakin’s interactions with the other Jedi.

I’m not saying that all of the tension between Anakin and the Council is Palpatine’s fault - Anakin has complicated issues with authority to begin with (both resenting it because of his past, but also desiring it - i.e. wanting “someone wise” in charge), so while he gets along with many of the Council members on a personal level (more evident in TCW than the movies, but that’s mostly because of run time), he’s (somewhat understandably) a bit prickly when it comes to the Council as an authority, and they in turn are (also understandably) a bit wary of that attitude and disregard for rules. And of course, I’m sure he did take the initial rejection personally, and the culture clash probably colored his initial impressions of them - which would stick with him. And if we take TCW into account, he’s obviously going to feel resentful over what happened with Ahsoka (though even that’s still on the authority level - we see him get along fine with at least Yoda and obviously Obi-Wan even after her departure).

But Palpatine absolutely did make it worse and made it more difficult for Anakin to see that they weren’t out to get him and would’ve worked with him if he’d been willing to work with them on his issues.

Another one that I can attribute to Palpatine is the argument that the Jedi were rigid and “dogmatic” - the latter even being the exact word he used when he started talking about his studies of the dark side. Now this may be something Palpatine actually believes rather than purposeful misrepresentation to manipulate Anakin (though it is still part of his manipulation), but again some of the fandom takes his interpretation as fact even though, as I’ve pointed out, the Jedi Order isn’t all that rigid considering all Qui-Gon gets for his dissent is some exasperated side-eye and the denial of a leadership position. They’re a little annoyed with him, sure, but they still trust him with important missions and are certainly not labeling him a heretic and kicking him out.

Also, perhaps more to the point, Palpatine is not framed to be a reliable source. His entire role is built around constant deceptions (from his rise to the Chancellorship to his manufactured war to his manipulation of Anakin). He has to be charismatic and convincing to Anakin, and for that I suppose he must be to the audience as well, but I think it’s also clear (or it should be) that everything Palpatine is is wrapped up in lies. His claims that the Jedi have a “dogmatic, narrow” view of the Force is rather spurious when all his actions are about personal gain at the expense (and occasional mass slaughter and genocide) of others.

And yeah, that extends into the Imperial propaganda, though from an out-of-universe perspective, I wonder if it isn’t a chicken-and-egg thing. Was much of the current supplementary material regarding the propaganda against the Jedi actually inspired by the anti-Jedi parts of fandom, or did the anti-Jedi parts of fandom take arguments from the supplementary material? Or perhaps a mixture of both?

[mysynthfetish]

COVIDIOTS!

Yeah they're everywhere. Seriously though, I never thought when I was making jokes about it a few months back that it would end up as much a clusterfuck as it has. Over a million cases in the US? Over 50,000 dead there too? The school were I "work" is still closed, leaving us scrambling to come up with online stuff for the kids (hey, Japan may be really good at MAKING high-tech shit, but holy fuck on a stick are they not good at USING it). Anyway. On with the shit-show!

The latest addition to the ever-growing MFB family here. Strange little beast. Pretty big sounding for as little as it is. Mod1 in the filter section can give you FM via VCO or the typical filter sweeps via LFO. Setting the Sub OSC to Mix also spices things up considerably. I have yet to run the LFO out to the VCF In or Gate In, and I'm sure either of those will be fun things to try. How many monosynths does a person need though? Um, about that.

Yeah. First Doepfer I've owned. Dark Energy, first model. Mint condition with the box and manual. Not the cheapest thing, but I decided to put the Lyra-8 I built up on the auction so if it sells it'll make up for it and then some. If it sells... Cross your fingers. Talk about counting chickens before the eggs hatch. Anyway the Dark Energy is Very Fucking Cool. Standout features? Well first of all there are two LFOs, which is fantastic. And there are two FM sources in the filter section: Linear FM and XFM (exponential FM). FM in the VCO section as well. Also, it looks like it has only one oscillator, but there is a second one that can do triangle, sawtooth, and pulse with variable pulse width and PWM. It's got a shitload of flexibility, like selectable LFO ranges, and high/medium/low ADSR range too. And then there are the patch points... It almost gives the Kraftzwerg a run for the money. ALMOST. 3 VCOs and patch points ain't no joke. Even so, this little thing is very, very cool. Sounds YUUUUUUUGE too. I am finding myself eyeballing the Polivoks more and more these days, wondering if I will find it a new home...

Broke out this old ghost today for some fun and games. Using a 3-minute TDK endless cassette with a 3-minute long slice of audio from Michael Moore talking about feedback from his latest one, Planet of the Humans (I think it's more Jeff Gibbs than Moore but still). Interesting film, that. I wonder how much of it can be believed. Some poignant points raised, no doubt about it, but I wonder how much of it is being presented through the lens of a certain agenda. Anyway, I used the audio in this:

So today would've been the 10th Anniversary Showa Techno event, but current social situations what with the pandemic going on and all that (even though it isn't really being taken seriously by the majority of people, if the sheer number of motherfuckers I saw out and about while on my mid-morning run is an indication—I wore a mask, aaight?). But yeah no event, so I fooled around with some of the segments I had in mind to use at the show, and recorded a 25-minute live session. Seems the audio hiccups twice, once when I guess the screen saver came on, and again when I noticed and touched the magic pad to disable that shit. Next time I'll turn it bloody off. You can get more info in the video description. Fun stuff.

This is the current incarnation of the Lair of Nefarious Machinery. Things are getting a little bit out of hand. I discovered that the Aux 2 send on the mixer at top right is sending a bit of audio to the connected effects processor even when all channel sends are at zero, so that's super annoying. I thought about emailing Soundcraft and asking for repair advice as I quite like these mixers (I do have two of them after all) and losing an effects send is a big deal. No idea where to look to start troubleshooting. Don't have a schematic first of all. Any ideas? I'm all ears.

Well, that's all this time. Watch out for the Covidiots...

[kariachi]

Okay, we’re gonna see how much liveblogging I can get done today. We’re still in full Kevin mode, and we’re starting the day with Heads of the Family. I have minimal idea what to expect, but I love Kevin and I love the Bugg Brothers, so it can’t be bad.

Right?

My love for this show’s music selection continues.

Oh good lords, these people take family reunions seriously. There’s a fucking banner. You can see more people in this frame then there was at my last family reunion in it’s entirety. And that was everybody from this farming family that still lived in the northeast within six generations of relation. Not kidding.I know nix and I play with there being too many fucking Joneses but goddamn there are canonically too many fucking Tennysons!

Just, goddamn.

...Last year Ben and Gwen had a burping contest where Ben won by so much a fucking gazebo collapsed on them and several relatives. I’m not surprised, just concerned

And Aunt Kathy damn near banned them from future reunions. Honestly I can’t blame her. Made Max give her a month’s worth of foot massages to re-earn the right to attend.

They’re bringing the deviled eggs.

That is, a sad amount of deviled eggs for the number of people here.

Nobody is happy to see Ben, which, given last year, not surprising.

...yep, that’s a level of offhand rudeness you only get from relatives.

Honestly I gotta write a fic involving family reunions, that’s shit’s gotta be confusing for an Erinaen like Argit.

(probably Great) Aunt Kathy likes bacon in her deviled eggs. The presence of them was likely planned ahead.

There’s a Sweden branch of the Tennyson family. The representatives shown are Sven and Len. I’m horribly amused. Also Max apparently can’t tell which is which.

...Somebody just showed up given a headcount of nearly 600. What is wrong with these people?!

The headcounter’s name is Alfred. He has pumpkin pie. This earns him a point.

He’s Max’s second cousin. This is a relation I can accept as a family reunion.

Somebody is showing off Max’s baby pictures. Making him out to have been a worse-looking teen than he was though. Doesn’t look good, but I was expecting worse from the characters’ reactions.

Also this is apparently Grandma Rita, which given it’s Max saying that I have to assume she’s either his mother or his grandmother, so Ben & Gwen’s great-grandma or great-great-grandma. Probably great-grandma. Either that, or she’s aged real well, or she and Max’s mom had kids real young.

“I’m gonna get some deviled eggs“ Ben says before being stopped by the realization that there, by the food, is his archest of nemesises, Kevin. Who, given there’s nearly 600 people here, may actually belong. I mean statistically, with this many people just attending the reunion, nonetheless in the family, there’s acceptable odds he’s a cousin of some bent.

Also my son, dual-wielding fried chicken

Gwen, concerned Kevin might be related to them. Max, concerned Ben’s going to do something that gets them banned from the family reunion.

“Don’t do anything rash“ like Ben has ever done something not-rash ever in his life

Boys please. I know you’re both disasters but, for five minutes pretend to have something resembling chill.

Ben: *totally down to kick Kevin’s ass for daring to eat a food* Kevin: *certain he won’t because they’re surrounded by innocent relatives* Ben: *does not care one iota* Gwen: *about to have an aneurysm because holy shit is her cousin trying to get them disowned*

I have to admit, I do enjoy the addition of episodes where Kevin is just existing and it’s Ben who’s starting shit? Having a wide range of hows with regards to the boys getting into fights makes sure that we get some real character depth out of both of them, as well as making sure the episodes don’t get samey and that they can always do something new. They aren’t pigeon-holing themselves.

The boys have left to a less target-rich environment and are now fighting because, again, how dare Kevin come to a Tennyson family reunion and eat the food. And we still don’t have any real evidence he doesn’t belong. I mean he makes that ‘where you got all your weird’ comment, but it’s Kevin, if they were twins he’d say that just to rile Ben up.

Me thinks these boys should’ve gone out a little further. Attract less attention.

...Ben knocks Kevin clear across the fairgrounds, jumps into a dumpster to stay out of sight until he comes back for round 2, finds the Bugg Brothers. Of course.

Ben is just having A Day.

A particle decimator. Okay, cool, but why you guys hiding in a dumpster?

It’s a shrinking ray. The plan is to use it to destabilize the national economy, undermine the government, disrupt social order, and wreak havoc among the entire world population. I feel like Maurice needs to start thinking smaller.

And lo, they were using the wrong device and accidentally switched Heatblast and Maurice’s heads. I’m shocked.

This is gonna be a weird episode from here out isn’t it

Kevin, gonna kick somebody’s ass even if he’s not sure what the fuck is going on

Kevin, rolling with the head swapping thing. Though honestly with some of the shit he’s been through this probably don’t seem too bad

I do like how Maurice made a head-swapping helmet and yet he and Sidney have not swapped heads, despite, well, everything.

Ah, this is presumably the device that swapped their heads in the first place. Cool cool.

My son

So clarify, he’s outnumbered, his head in on the wrong body, and the Maurice and Sidney are looming. He shows no signs of concern, or lack of confidence he can handle the situation. He still gets divetackled, but hey

And he’s not doing bad, given he’s wrestling against two guys his size.

And Ben has the helmet

“You need to fix us!“ And how, pray tell, do you expect your cousin to do that, Benjamin?

Welp, Gwen and Max got their heads swapped now.

And the watches timed out, meaning how Maurice and Sidney are basically helpless until shit times back in.

Welp, Maurice and Kevin swapped. So now Kevin’s head is on Ben’s body and Maurice is on Sidney’s. Meanwhile Ben’s head is still on Maurice’s body, Max’s on Gwen’s, and Gwen’s on Max’s.

This play-by-play brought to you by Fanta. Thirsty? Get a fanta.

And now Ben’s head is on a squirrel body. And a squirrel head on Maurice’s.

“Gotta fix this before I get infected with this dork’s genes“ Kevin pls.

Okay, Maurice is whole again, but now there’s a squirrel using Sidney’s body

Wow, Maurice, maybe you should’ve hedged your bets on whether you wanted to leave the helmet in the care of an 11-yo or a fucking squirrel.

And lo, now Maurice is back on Ben’s body and Kevin is on Maurice’s.

And I’m not even gonna give a play-by-play of these last several switches, just assume everything happened including the rise and fall of the roman empire

Kevin is fucking done. Also he and Ben are on each other’s bodies now.

Oooo, I was wondering if this episode came before or after Kev joined up with the Forever Nerd, turns out it’s after. Also this phone doesn’t have the spikes.

Oh gods and Ben is answering the damn phone.

FN: Kevin where are you? Me: Kevin is dead. Yeah, horrible accident involving a sprinkler system, a can of soda, and a mountain lion. Just awful. So, ya know, you may as well just lose this number-

Oh

Oh fuck

Oh gods damn

Okay so Ben imitates Kevin and claims he’s hanging out with his family (which, kudos Ben for trying to cover for him, your sweet child) and the Forever Nerd fucking- The quote-

“Family? *scoffs* That’s a laugh. You have noone. Without me, you’re all alone, remember? Now stop playing around and report back here at once.”

I’m gonna kill him, y’all. I’m gonna kill him and then wrap Kevin in a blanket and feed him cookies and cocoa until he pops.

Even Ben’s like ‘wait, no family?’ Which, given this clearly takes place after Introducing Kevin 11, what is going on in Kev’s life and what did Ben think was going on in Kev’s life?

Also Ben theorizing that maybe that’s why Kev crashed his family reunion, just to be part of one, and gods preserve me that’s a painful thought.

Kevin, critiquing the Bugg Brother’s evil plot.

Ben: If you want your body back you just need to blast me- Kevin: *blasts him*

Maurice and Sidney have been getting on so well this episode, it warms the heart. And makes sense in an episode involving a family reunion and the official reveal that Kevin has jackshit in the way of familial relations. Now to find if this is because he dropped them for being shit, because he’s actually an orphan, or he’s been taken from his family because they were shit.

Rath trying to be friendly and welcoming towards Kevin.

Kevin, just walking away from that shit.

And Max and the squirrel are still mixed up, and continue to be as the family flees the event.

9/11 solely due to Kevin things. My son deserves better.

[cerastes]

Completely aimless post in which I just talk about a plethora of things with no real goal other than that I felt like talking about it.

Martial arts are an art, end of the day, but one that is particularly difficult to be self-taught in. You really do need the instruction of someone, especially at first. If you have a solid base that was polished by a good master, then you can continue to improve yourself from there, but I think it’s exceedingly improbable for someone to be able to be truly self-taught as a martial artist. Just like with writing or drawing, there’s a difference between “good martial artist” and “good master”. Someone that is great at the arts might not be good at teaching them. Finding a good master, thus, is a task that should be viewed as it is under this lens. Likewise, you, as a student, can also be a good student or a bad student. A good master and a good student are a beautiful combination. Strive to be good, the rest will follow.

In a way I believe many people will understand it better: It’s incorrect to think of martial arts as active skills. ‘Martial Arts’ is a skill tree composed 80% of passive skills. You practice a punch or a kick or a clinch or a defensive maneuver not to do them consciously, you practice them so they become ingrained in your body language, so you react with them when they need to be used, and so you have the discipline to automatically know when they should be used. It is only in the highest levels of combat or when you are against someone of your level that mind games and the 3D chess games of “I’ll do this and that and this and that so they do this to which I respond with this but I should keep in mind they might do this at bullet point 3 so I’ll watch out for that and do this and that in that case instead” come into play, and they are thoughts that happen in a second, because they do not happen in words, they happen in motions you have ingrained in your body after laborious training. It’s why amateur martial artists tend to lose to street fighters but adept martial artists tend to wipe the floor with the same street fighters: Amateurs are still under the idea of “active skills” martial arts, whereas the adept simply does. Do, and the rest will follow.

It’s unhealthy to not realize and admit to your mistakes, but it is also unhealthy to never forgive yourself for them. Likewise, it is unhealthy to keep ‘friends’ that won’t let you forgive yourself, whether they make it manifest through words or simply through actions, subtle as they can get. It is a sad reality, but it is true. Avoid these friends. Make distance with them if they are not willing to let their own fears or grudge subside after you’ve proven you are not the you of yesterday. Don’t let them think you need to spend a lifetime atoning for once having been the you of yesterday. No one is, was, or will be flawless, but we can and should be better. Don’t let them not let you be better or feel better.

Years ago, I was immature due to my own bad experiences with some people that hurt me deeply and came to the conclusion that cutting people off was the right thing to do if they crossed you. Thinking back on it, it was me being afraid of being hurt again. I’ve long since moved on from this way of thinking, and I’ve embraced contact as the right way to handle things. However, as much as I regret the way I was, I decidedly do not regret cutting off the people I cut off, I simply regret the way in which I cut them off. The people I cut off are people I still do not want around me, and that I would’ve cut off anyways. What I regret is not talking to them and letting them know “hey, you’ve been shit to me, I really do not want to know you anymore,” because it’s unfair to wordlessly cut off someone, but it’s also unfair to subject yourself to more pain because supposed “friends” keep hurting you. I have apologized many times for being the way I was, but I will not apologize, not once, for the people I actually cut off. They are not all bad people, some of them are pretty decent, honestly, but they did me wrong, and not once or twice or thrice. Me cutting them off wordlessly wasn’t something I did after one tiny whoopsie, it was something I did after being wronged several times, and no one can say I didn’t give a bunch of these people chances, because I kept some around even after tons of fights and supposed ‘break ups’, forgiving them for their shit until I simply couldn’t take it anymore. What I’m trying to say here is that I’ve already paid my dues, I regret what I regret, and I acted bad, but that doesn’t mean I’m the bad guy and the other party was composed of poor wittle sunshines that were wronged by the big bad Dreamer. They had it fucking coming, and that’s all I have to say. If I have to feel like a perpetual villain around you because you happen to be friends with one of the people I cut off, then we might as well not be around together any longer, because fuck that noise. I am not saying your friend is a bad egg and you should consider your morality or the viper in your chicken coop or whatever, all I’m saying is that they wronged me pretty bad as well, and I don’t have to deal with your shitty ambivalence. You want to come to terms to this properly? Then fucking talk to me. Communication is the morale of the story, after all.

Yet, life seems to have a knack for having me, by chance or circumstance, be stuck with these people that feel this ambivalence for me for things I’ve already settled years ago. It’s getting really tiresome, and I do not have much patience left in me, years-long friends or not. Having to walk on egg shells because of their fears and/or over something long buried feels terrible, especially when the egg shells are from four-five years ago and everyone has moved on except these third parties.

It’s true that politics have different weights in the lives of different people: For some, it’s just a topic among many, and for others, it’s a matter of life or death. In that regard, I respect the decision to ignore the whole “I’m not going to lose friends over politics”: It is completely valid to part ways with someone over political ideas, for their abstract beliefs may mean concrete consequences for you. That said, I also respect the decision to want to part ways with someone for being too immersed in politics, because even though it may be their livelihood on the line there, perhaps you simply do not have the emotional energy to want to invest into a fight that’s not yours, when you already have your own fights. I personally am someone who doesn’t like politics getting in the way of friendship, but I’d also really rather you don’t turn everything into a political joke, either. It gets very exhausting for many reasons. 

The ambivalence born from my love for neuroscience and my incredible distaste for memorization-heavy disciplines is something I think about every day. I love reading article after article of the fascinating new advances in neurosciences, but I cannot for the life of me sit down in front of a moldy textbook and memorize all of these names. It’s too boring. I like the part where we discover and experiment with cool new stuff, not the part where I learn what the name of the little bean-shaped thing behind the eye is.

I don’t think psychoanalysis is inherently a terrible form of therapy and that Freud should be dug up and shot again: I do not agree with most of what Freud said and I do not like psychoanalysis as a form of therapy, but it is true that Freud got the ball rolling for a lot of the future advances of psychology, arguably giving birth to the discipline in the first place, be that in the form of contributions to his theory or counterpoints to it. Whenever I see yet another post saying “SIGMUND FREUD ACTUALLY DID NOTHING FOR THE WORLD,” I simply chuckle, murmur “tumblr not knowing things again, I see,” and I carry on. What I hate about psychoanalysis, however, are the politics behind it. The moment you turn something that should be used first and foremost for the benefit of the people that need it, in this case mentally ill or afflicted people, and turn it into a game of power and influence for your own goals, is the moment you are inhuman garbage and should be removed as a psychologist. Suicide ratings are tragically high, mental health is still seen as a joke among many people, and you want to keep the hegemony of the “original form of analysis” just for the sake of tradition and your own benefit? Die. Really, just die. I don’t use this word seriously very often, but I really think you should die for the benefit of the world if you act this way. You are putting so many people in danger just because of your little game of politics. We are better off without you.

Final thought about psychoanalysis: If it works for some people, it works, and that’s great. The patient shouldn’t be molded for the technique, it is the technique that should be shaped to fit with the patient.

The video game difficulty dilemma is always... Annoying, to be honest, between people that miss the point and the sheer vehemence between both sides, it’s really hard to mediate, but aside from being annoying, it is also a genuinely fascinating topic. I love high difficulty, but I also love games being more accessible. End of the day, though, I think that the idea of bashing your head against a wall until you become skilled enough to surpass the challenge is a beautiful concept, so part of me really thinks that shouldn’t be changed when we specifically talk about FromSoft games. And it’s fine if that’s not your cup of tea! It really is, I’m not saying everyone should like this, but, well, it’s big part of their appeal and their “never give up” message, I don’t think it’s right to facilitate things, to be honest. There’s appeal in the “learn under hostile conditions” idea, after all, and I really don’t know how it is that you can keep that with facilitators. I’d be delighted if they can find a way, though, because I do want more accessibility and all. Hard topic. I immediately refuse to engage with people that see it as an “us vs them” topic, though, lol, I’m here about that constructive dialogue.

Writing is writing, roleplaying is roleplaying, and tabletop roleplaying is tabletop roleplaying. They encompass very different methodologies, I’ve come to learn. It’s pretty fascinating. I love writing walls of text, but tabletop roleplaying, I’ve come to appreciate as a fast and short form. Much like I’ve come to appreciate roleplaying, really. I don’t really do 21 paragraphs anymore, ever, haha. I’ve come to understand the beauty of rapid pacing in the last years. I think it’s pretty essential in a tabletop environment. My DnD group, for example, is composed of Busy People, myself included, and we can’t spare more than one day per week on it, so we try to make every minute of every session count. The verbal nature of it can’t be beat, and were I to DM a game on the net, I really think it would be ideal if we had voice chat to go with it. Though, I understand there would be other problems associated with that, but that’s another story.

Really wish I had more free time, I want to play Trails of so bad.

I fucking hate cooking, bwahaha, I cannot get myself to like it. I like the end result, but I hate the process. Still, I endure, because I like food the way I make it: For me.

Really miss sensei.

I can’t stand people that look at something somewhat dark and immediately dismiss it as ‘edgy’. Where’s your sense of style?

On the same token, though, grown ass people being unironically edgy is painful. “Don’t pretend you don’t want an unhealthy, sexy relationship” alright fam. Unhealthy dynamics aren’t the only way a relationship can be spicy, lol.

Wanna play some basketball.

It’s fucking autumn, baby, the sun has finally fucked off.

Winter palettes are still the best, and combinations of white, purple, turquoise, pink, and shades of green can’t be beat.

Wanna rewatch Shirobako.

I’m pretty fucking tired and short on patience towards numerous people for different reasons, the main definitely being that the thesis is fucking tiring, but I am overall having a good time and I am enjoying life.