#Im not sure ive got enough stuff to make a post but might as well store stuff

[euanpc]

dialogue idea for my hungry hero au(@sonicexelle-junkary) of the egghog au(@artnrandomness) thingy (paradigm) inbetween tanner prower (OC) and sonic the hedgehog

tw mentions of murder

“ no, I, I reached to far, I thought.., I tried to fix everything, I- I should’ve just covered your tracks, helped make sure you didn’t kill the wrong people- I, I just wanted, to be happy, like after the war, with dad and you and uncle shads, having fun and m-messing around-, , your a murderer I, I was never going to stop you peacefully, I, It’s just, it’s , you were the only man left in my darkest hour, the only one who truely understood my pain, I- I know I said death was a mercy to good for you, but, But perhaps that wasn’t the only reason I let you live"

[fabledferns]

I would love to try printing my own design on a shirt like you did! Could you please possibly make a guide on how you did it?

absolutely i can!! this is gonna get a bit long so im gonna put the full tutorial under a read more LOL

ALSO disclaimer: i’m making this tutorial with the assumption that whoever is reading it already kinda knows the basics of relief printing! BUT if anyone would like me to post a more basic tutorial about that, i would be happy to <3

1. the block!! i used the Inovart Eco Karve Printing Plates (very similar to the Speedball Speedy Carve Blocks, just a bit cheaper). but you can use linoleum, wood, etc. this was my first time ever printing on fabric and since it turned out so well i’ll probably stick to using this type of block in the future LOL but linoleum and wood do work! it mostly depends on personal preference and budget

2. i highly recommend doing a test print! both to prime the block a bit and to see if there’s any spots you missed (you can see a lot of chatter on the first test print that i got rid of)

3. the ink! i used the Speedball Fabric and Paper ink. it’s the only one i’ve tried for fabric, but i do recommend the speedball brand in general! whatever ink you use, make sure it’s for block printing, for fabric, and read the instructions

when getting your ink, i found that i ended up needing a bit more ink than i do printing on paper

you can either ink your print now or on step 5 if you’re worried about it drying out

4. prepare your shirt! try to get a shirt with the least amount of texture possible for the best results (not knitted, ribbed, etc). get yourself some cardboard to put in the shirt while you print, it’s supposed to be mainly to keep ink from bleeding but i feel like it also gives a better surface to print on

5. layersssss! shirt down first, flatten out where you want to print. then the block, and if you’re using a press, then the felt thing (it probably has a name)

usually printing on paper the block is laid down and the paper on top of it, fabric is the opposite!

6. printing! so for this i am obviously using a press (the Woodzilla Hand Press, highly recommend if you’re really getting into printmaking and have the money!!) if you’re using the press, after putting the top down, tuck the shirt under the lever. otherwise it’ll make marks in the shirt when you press down that will probably go away, but better safe than sorry

if you don’t have a press, no worries!! it just takes a bit more time and patience. use an old rolling pin or put a giant book on top and press! the bigger the print, the harder it is to print consistently. do your best to add enough pressure and make it even. even with the press, i usually put all my body weight into it

whatever method you’re using, use ALL YOUR MIGHT to print it!!!! too much pressure is better than not enough imo

7. TADA!! a (hopefully) perfect print!! if it’s not, don’t panic! i can’t attest for other brands, but ive been able to clean the ink out of misprinted shirts and print on them again. i washed them out in the sink to get as much ink out as possible (i used cold water, but to be so honest i have no idea if hot or cold water would work better). then use some sort of stain remover and just fucking. douse it. i used a Shout! spray for this. let it sit for however long the instructions say, wash it, and it should come out! it even worked for a light pink shirt for me, i can’t say for sure if it would work with white though

and that’s my guide!! hopefully i explained everything alright and people find it helpful <3 i’m happy to answer any other questions anyone might have! i am also pretty new to this though, so there is definitely some stuff i don’t know lol

[milligramspoison]

🌎 OPERATION HOT CHIMP V2

V1 was rolled out with some criticizng remarks. Some unfortunate stuff has been said to/about myself, but Im willing to overlook it in the spirit of mcr. With that said, I have redesigned the rules and i think there fair. I took you peoples thoughts into considertion even thoug most of you were rude, but lets set that aside to focus on July 26, the.........

WORLD WIDE DANGER DAYS BLAST 💥🤯🤯

On July 26 we're going to post fics, hcs, art, cosplays, vids etc to show ppl that were back with a force 💣👏 Ive set some ground rules for OPERATION HOT CHIMP and all DD content going forward. Lets face it, DD is in shambles but this will place us at the top of the fandom:

🦍 You CAN say you wanna fuck the witch, but idk why you WOULD.

🦍 OC names should be no more than 3 words. Any more than that and your just playin yourself

🦍 OC names should be more original in general, for example mine is Ricky Bobby, its funny, reference to my fav will ferell movie etc.

🦍 No more sayin that Kobra Kid is 🇬🇧british. Im not budgin on that one bcuz it makes no sense. WHy would brits be in california. All flights are grounded, no cruise ships etc. What do you people thnk the end of the world is, its not "la dee da" land

🦍 If you write/draw stuff about the four you HAVE to include the girl. Some of you agree (thank you) so Im keepin this one.

🦍 No makin fun of me, OR ANYONE ELSE for any reason

Ok so I think this is pretty fair to everyone. Call it CODENAME GORILLA when your around non-DD ppl (normies). We're going to blow their minds with the biggest blast the MCRmy has ever seen🤯🤯 July 26, write it down 📝

No this is not a joke....someone needs to straighten things up around here....might as well be me🤌

As Ricky Bobby said shake....and BAKE🤛

Oh my god I got it again 😭

*cracks knuckles*

The one story I’ve posted on here doesn’t have the girl in it so I’ve already failed that lmfao. She’s not supposed to be in it, I like to think they all left her in safe hands in the desert while they (spoiler alert ahead) attempt to avenge Ghost in the city. Would love to see more things with the girl tho across the fandom, I agree there. She needs to be in more things

BRITS CAN BE IN CALIFORNIA 😭 brits could’ve come to the us and California before all the events in DD even happened. Personally I don’t hc Kobra to be British but it is a funny joke in the fandom and a funny hc some people have 😭

WITCHFUCKER WEDNESDAY!!!! WE LOVE IT!!!

Anyways. The thing is I just don’t agree with setting rules for ALL content regarding DD

They left the canon loose enough for all of us to run wild with our imaginations when it comes to both the canonical characters and our ocs

The charm of DD is that the canon is so loose that we are able to say what we want and create what we want! And that’s awesome!

I’m sorry that there’s been people being rude to you. But I, and I’m sure I speak for everyone else here too, just don’t agree with setting ground rules for something that was left so loose for us to run wild with our imaginations

[kindestegg]

What do you think of Collie going back to the sky. Because the way I see it, he's either all alone up there (probably not good for a young child) or he's gone back to living with the other collectors/archivists (which is probably also not good), Maybe he has found a guardian up there who aren't like his old siblings, an entire species of people can't all be bad, right?

hmmm... well first of all, i would like to say i personally never was a fan of the whole "collectors are emotionless assholes by default but our colly is ⁂⁕special⁕⁂ so hes different" like THATS SO STUPID!!! AND DEFEATS SO MUCH OF THE PURPOSE OF IT BEING IMPACTFUL HE CHOSE BY HIMSELF TO BE GOOD! i think the collector/archivist species is likely very very complicated and has a very rich history and hierarchy we just will never know abt in canon bc 1. theyre not the focus here and 2. well it kind of. ended. so.

BUT WELL. RIGHT! COLLYS FATE! SO UHM.

well. i have good n i have bad feelings about it.

ill start with the bad: i do wish we had seen more of him in the future timeskip, and that he had gotten a more permanent residence. i thiiink the archives are still intact around the titan skull (dont quote me on it though id need to look again), so, no reason why my future idea couldnt be canon with him living there n repurposing them. i think theres definitely a better solution than just sending him away, he couldve still had his little corner to learn stuff, just closer to the ppl he loves n that DO love him back.

HOWEVER.

heres where the good starts: i think it was actually a good idea for him to not become a noceda or a clawthorne. first of all because there was not enough of a bond between himself n those families to want to adopt him, specially there was a lot of trauma involved that cant be erased with how much he wishes to be good for them now. they still clearly care about each other, but theyre not family, maybe theyll never be, n thats fine. theres also another reason, but going into it would require... me being pretty bold about something thats been nagging on my brain ever since the episode aired, and actually talking about that might devolve into a bigger post in and of itself. i MAY make that post in the future and lose my fear of talking about, but im being cautious for now. all im gonna say about it atm is that if they had made him a noceda or a clawthorne, making him kings sibling, it wouldve made things... very awkward. and bad. so.

i think theres also a pretty fatalistic pessimistic way the fandom seems to be viewing this end: its never stated colly went back to the archivists at all, just "the stars", and its not even immediately after the finale events neither is it permanent- he had to have stayed around at least long enough to make that new portal door, and he visits frequently if king mentioning him being around to do something for luzs bday is any indication (not to mention that book lilith was holding that seemed to be about titans and collectors - i think colly mustve helped with info for that right).

me and the archive house server have actually been discussing this quite a bit, and we have reached the conclusion that the best way to describe this was that they "pulled a snufkin". collector is a space vagabond that travels around once in a while and then eventually always comes back to tell of their spoils to the people he still cares about most. and while that may not be satisfying to people who wanted him to be lovingly adopted into a welcoming family, i think its a good enough fate considering he might not even want a family out of the clawthornes, but rather just to be close to king.

and im sure maybe in the future he might decide to settle again at the isles for a more permanent residence. the future is in OUR hands now! we decide what to do with these characters and their future lives, and ive got a LOT of ideas.

[fictionfixations]

marius: dont worry ill catch you! me: jumps into his arms i think it was about to switch to a different thing cause it went white and then it suddenly kicked me out LMFAOO like sorry marius you didnt catch me 😭 i was suddenly kicked from existence 👍

sorry i havent really been making posts about this game, ive been playing it on and off, especially cause at one point my cards were too weak 💀 for like the trial bit at the end of the last episode which is a bit infuriating to keep replaying cause i couldnt skip but i mean nothing new, the game crashes during trial bits all the time and im just sat here like okay wtf was the answer again i know i just answered it a few minutes ago but i already forgot. what were we talking about even????

i feel like ive started growing indifferent to it and just moving on when it happens. thats a good thing cause usually it just frustrates me and sometimes i have to take a break (which leads to procrastinating from the game for months LMFAO)

honestly i think i only really got super frustrated about that was cause id get super immersed in the story then i suddenly get kicked out like hah you want to learn more? RE OPEN THE GAME 💀💀💀

also feels bad man. and i know its kinda like do you respect the victim's wishes or do you like out a person as guilty when the victim forgives them and stuff

but also fuck no they still did a crime i have no sympathy for them. that might be because so far i havent seen like a legitimate reason from them that makes me want to give them a pass. like yes they have reasons but is that valid enough (in my eyes) for me to not put them under the scrutiny of the law and serve time? no

okay guys we're back in the good timeline where we're saved. CRAZY that the house was set on fire though LMFAOOO mans recreating how his family died to an innocent couple (well we're not a couple but we pretended we were) like bruh what. like im sure you justified to yourself killing like vans(? was that his name? this is what happens when i dont play in awhile i just forget names like who) but HELLO???

guess he was sus of us but jeez louise.

HUH

WHAT

EWWWW

like sorry i know youre probably not being a creeper

but you are acting like a creeper dont watch people from the windows thats like my number one fear man 😭that theres just gonna be a person outside the window and i dont notice i just see a face and its scary as fuck

mans is paranoid. like i mean he was right to be worried about us but like for all he knew we were just a couple looking to buy a house like bruh and you were just watching. what if we got freaky 💀. i mean probably not we were in a former crime scene and marius pretended he was a little scared of it but like dude chillll. like i mean you were in the right i guess cause we WERE investigating but man.

do i want to know how you know my shoe size (okay well i dont have a screenshot of that dialogue exactly whoops my bad)

oh god this is scary theres like 3 more levels before we get to the trial. i did not realize we were already there but i mean we did get proof already

scared to know what episode 5 is about. why does it have 3 parts.

actually looking at the rest of the future story is kinda scary like 1. thats a lot. 2. whats gonna happen D: i think i like it better when you dont know how much story is left (unless you keep up with like updates or like search it up yourself)

screenshots of stuff thats like | this a ways (i dont know the difference between horizontal and vertical if im being honest) is always a little weird cause they take up so much room (on the post) which i have to keep getting used to. like it looks normal on a phone but like viewing it on like a - screen feels a little weird

[wizisbored]

in the bj/nimona au, where did Lydia learn latin, did her mom teach her some, or did she learn some in a book she read? Or a combination of those two and school, because I just remembered you mentioned it came from school, and forgot some school did have a class for that.

i think im going to say either she has it as an actual class and chalk it up to her going to private school (i feel like thats a private school thing? idk the only time ive heard of it being an actual class is in a documentary about eaton) or it was extracurricular, which is how i learnt it. if im remembering right my secondary school only offered it to ''''gifted'''' students, and had an outside teacher who came in for like an hour or so after school on mondays to teach it. i liked that guy, he was very soft spoken, little brown mouse with glasses who lives in a library vibes on that man. i actually got the option to take a gcse exam on it and i remember doing it twice but i have no idea if that means i have two seperate qualifications or one was a mock and i just dont remember that or what. i got like an A in it somehow even though i never really learnt the grammar rules properly just translated on vibes and some vocab memorisation alone and since you never really have to translate the other way because its a dead language it was kinda easy to bullshit to a point. but that means im now having to learn it from the ground up again. tbh using it in the crossover is partially just a way to keep myself interested enough to relearn it because its something i keep meaning to do.

ANYWAY this post is supposed to be about bj/nimona au not my secondary school latin experience. the idea that her mum taught her some is pretty interesting actually that is something to consider but im pretty set on the bulk of it coming from school. and her school uses the cambridge latin course 4th edition because how could i deny her such a banger. as i said though its not the exact same latin the kingdom uses (although any 'kingdom latin' i write will probably just be regular latin) and shes not really learnt to speak it or understand it being spoken because it was thought to be dead so its more a case she has a pretty good starting point for nimona to teach her from than her knowing the language from the start. but as well as nimona having the best english out of her ambrosius and ballister, shes also old enough that she was around when classical latin (as i think its called?) was being spoken in the kingdom so nimona is in a very good position to teach her. unfortuately this actually makes latin class at school harder in a way, because shes having to constantly make sure shes using the right dialect. her teacher (very much inspired by mine) is very excited about the existance of kingdom latin and is trying to learn some themself, so mix-ups just lead to conversations about the neuances of the two dialects more often than not.

i have already run into a problem that i could chalk up to the dialect difference, which is interesting. i figured that since nimona uses 'boss' almost like a nickname she probably wouldnt translate it, so i went looking for what it would be in latin. from what i can tell the best translation is 'dominus' (though if im understanding my cases right shed say 'domine'), which would make lydia do a double take if she heard it because its first translation given in the cambridge latin course is 'master'. not sure if i want to use dominus and point out the difference there or just use 'dux' which to my understanding is a slightly weaker translation, but either way neither is perfect. i do want to have vocabulary differences like that but i might just use 'dux' and leave the vocab stuff to something less important and with lighter implications. plus, dux keeps the same sylables as boss which i like. i think i just talked myself into using dux.

[the-s1lly-corner]

Does Jeff ever miss his little brother? Does he know he's alive?? And how would he react to seeing his baby brother?

not going to structure this like my normal posts since this might be more rambly but but!!

tackling the first question first: my personal interpretation of jeff is still standard to what you would expect from many other interpretations (at least.... i think so... i must admit i havent interacted much with the fandom since the 2010s sooooo... not sure if it stills holds to any present day hcs!)... you know, arrogant immature and full of himself, just about still as unhinged as before... but i like to think that every now and then he has moments where hes just. normal. well not normal normal, definitely not going to get there anytime soon especially given that in my au hes on the run and bouncing around. cant really receive any mental help when youre hiding from authorities.. getting back to the topic, these moments are few and far between and its in a weird way, him reminiscing on how things used to be. i fully blame this on a fic i read in middle school, that literally shifted how i view some crp characters (shrugs)... but yes, i think in those moments he would miss him. a lot. those small pockets generating enough guilt to get him to slow down and think over everything that's happened since then. i think it would send him in a short little moment of depression, actually. at least as long as hes alone and by himself where hes left with his thoughts. again, these moments dont come often nor do they last for long. slaps that man with mental clarity

second question! at least within the context of my hcs and au! i dont think he would know unless he stumbled upon him! though imma be real ive considered making liu... dead in my au since i never got into his lore and stuff but who knows.. maybe hes out there doing his own thing while jeffs over here doing his own stuff.. but as far as jeff is aware, liu is deceased

third question: i think it would be a mix of emotions! i think it fully depends on jeffs current mental state that will determine his reaction. theres so many factors that can go into this too; is liu trying to get revenge? was jeff going to kill him before realizing who he was chasing? do they just casually run into one another? loads of possible scenarios, really! but as i said, i never got too into lius lore so im unsure which is most in character for him. i feel if jeff is having one of his moments mentioned above i think he might try to apologize and make it up to his brother... might be totally crushed when he receives no forgiveness (rightfully, in my opinion).. or maybe he'll try to act buddy buddy with his brother, like nothings changed (i can see this being more likely when jeff is just. being jeff).. though i dont think any real connection can be made between these two anymore... though reading through lius wiki, its said somewhere that liu forgives him.. so maybe theres an understanding between the two, but still no connection. peaceful parting, you know? many ideas many thoughts, im just unqualified to build on them at the moment due to not knowing much of liu

[kozykricket]

okay im gonna make a Post about this actually, instead of just rambling to it about people occasionally. So, ever since we got trial chambers, ive really seen nether fortresses as like, a really neat Parallel to them. not only in having elemental constructs created by spawners, but in... their general structure, being almost liminal in a sense. if you play either on peaceful mode, i say you get a backroomsy vibe. (concrete halls - c418 real) but... this got me thinking. one thing i love with the trial chambers is the theming of the mace. think about it. you get a heavy core as the thing to combine with a breeze rod. its a theming of duality! the breeze and its wind... something as light as air, that jumps into the air with the absolute opposite of heaviness... paired with an extremely heavy... uh, core. whatever a core is :P

anyways, i think its really thematically cool that theres that duality between Light and Heavy. so what if blaze rods could be combined with something in a similar sense of duality? something to work with Fire

We could choose the opposite of heat, sure... that could be interesting. freezeflame areas in games are cool, and soul fire is... in a peculiar space where its both hot and cold. basalt (cooled lava) is found in soul sand valleys... etc. but yknow what i think works far more elegantly, and can be twisted in an interesting way? Fire is destructive and dangerous. So, lets have the duality be... Decay/Destruction (fits the wither effect and also fire) paired with healing or creation creation is complex and odd for a weapon, but maybe necromancy could be an interesting way for someone else to take it. but im going to go into the opposite of destruction being healing ...but instead of just saying "oh its a lifesteal weapon. hit stuff and heal" lets... think about how the duality works with the mace. to best make use of its power of heaviness, you can use wind charges, the power of bounciness so... what if this hypothetical nether fortress weapon empowered itself the more you took damage while holding it? This would make it pair well with fire charges, because being on fire is a good way to make yourself take chip damage... which might be one of the best ways to fuel the weapon. I've thought of calling it a Soul Siphon for now... but anyways, what would it do with enough fuel/charge? I say, that is where the rejuvenation, the healing... comes in. Have it be a staff that fires off orbs of instant health Wanna know what makes that even cooler? It's still a good weapon, because instant health, despite being healing, does damage to undead monsters. so it'd really help fight wither skeletons, or the wither itself even! or you could use it to heal your friends up. just set yourself on fire and now you're healin up your friends. maybe you wouldn't be able to heal yourself with the weapon, or maybe you would. I'm not quite sure yet! Haven't thought out all of the details on it. I think it using 3 blaze rods that rotate like blaze rods on the blaze do... for like, magical-rotational power , would be a cool way for the staff to look. but uh, yeah. theres some ideas i think if i were to redo the nether fort, i'd theme it after like... well, i'd have it simultaneously decayed and somewhat destroyed, while still being in far better shape than bastions, to show their dominance over piglins. I am a piglin defender, the wither skeletons are their oppressors. their eternal oppressors, thanks to the power of necromancy. messed up stuff.

if this inspires you to think up more of your own concepts or expand on these with the themings of like. rejuvenation vs destruction (i mean hey the wither destroys stuff but regenerates its health when its spawning, doesnt it?) then thats p cool. id love to hear them :) im very normal about the potential of wither skeletons and nether fortresses

[dwarfsized]

tagged by the beautiful and amazing @aevallare thank you!!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

9!

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

63,696

3) What fandoms do you write for?

it's all bg3 right now, but I've also written for critical role and the arcana (visual novel)

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1 - that's the kind of love ive been dreaming of (bg3, astarion/f!tav)

2- ain't it warming you (the world goin' up in flames) (critical role, jester/caleb)

3- Liebe ist Fürsorge (critical role, jester/caleb)

4- Fighting the Hurricane (critical role, jester/caleb)

5 - true colors shine in darkness and in secrecy (bg3, astarion/f!tav)

5) Do you respond to comments?

yes! i try to do the "comment when you upload the next chapter" thing but sometimes its been a while since the last chapter and i get embarrassed and just respond to everything in one big rush

6) What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

where i left Fighting the Hurricane probably combined with the (checks notes) 1+ year long update hiatus, i am coming back for you baby i promise. i have plans for it. i just. god. so much happened to me right as i was working on it.

7) What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All of my fic ends happy (this will not always be the case, eventual AA!AU will be. well. i shan't say.) BUT, and this might just be because its my most recent finished work, i think new steps might end off on the most hopeful note.

8) Do you get hate on fics?

this has never happened to me and id love to keep it that way lmao

9) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes :) the only real posted smut ive got rn is that's the kind of love ive been dreaming of, but i have other smut in the works

10) Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Fighting the Hurricane doesn't count, really, but that's the closest we've got: its a Critical Role/Pacific Rim fusion.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i'm aware of

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i have nooooot, but i am not sure that the way that i write (terrible first draft and then editing for 1000 years) is very friendly to co-writing. I'm not against the idea at all though, its just. you know. i wouldn't want to torture a friend with the everything about me. maybe someday though!!

14) What’s your all time favorite ship?

in this house we multiship, peace and love. :) though honestly i made a joke once about retiring kira as an oc after bg3 bc of everything im putting her through after becoming so enamored with kirastarion so maybe that? sorry blorbo from my brain, enjoy the conciliation prize of elf dick.

15) What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

stares guiltily at Fighting the Hurricane ch 2, languishing on my wip pile. listen, i still fully intend to finish that story. i was doing cool stuff in there. the only problem is that my brain exploded while i was writing ch 1, and this wasnt supposed to be more than 2k words but i am myself, and i didnt use outlines then, so my notes are a mess.

also i cannot possibly underline enough the bit where my brain exploded. this is an exaggeration only in that none of it came out of my head, but i was Not Myself for a Long Time.

16) What are your writing strengths?

i think my internal monologue bangs. this is because i agonize over it.

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

moving characters around in the space is like pulling teeth and i feel like a solid 30% of my editing is focused on that. getting someone from point a to point b elegantly and without it feeling like "astarion got up. he moved his feet. he sat down. he looked out the window" makes me feel like walking into the sea

18) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I like it when it makes sense! Why does this character use another language? Does the reader need to know what they're saying? Is the POV character unfamiliar with the language? Does the reader learn anything from this? If you don't have good answers, why do it?

I find tieflings really neat, and bg3 does the typical dnd thing of "tieflings are looked down on," without, like, doing much with tiefling culture. So Ive had Kira use Infernal as a shortcut to create familiarity with other tieflings, and use it to have private conversations bc why would anyone but tieflings and people living in The Hells know that language--this solves some problems for her! And it creates others.

19) First fandom you wrote for?

Naruto...... once upon a time i wrote shikamaru/sakura fic. i was going to make a joke about that being my actual first longfic but i just checked and it literally isnt, i worked on it for a year and if you dont count the in-text authors notes (it was a different time) the whole thing is shorter than true colors chapter 4.

can you imagine me, now, updating something for a year and it being less than 11k. lol. lmao, even.

20) Favorite fic you’ve written?

eldath's mercy is my darling right now who also scares me to death. update coming soon (this week? i hope?)

i will tag @simon-says-nothing and @raccooncrimes and @septemberskye and YOUUUU reading this if you want to do it, tag me if you do!!

[truelove-cafe]

🥖, 🥨, 🧇, 🫓, 🍡, 🎂, 🍫, 🍩, 🍯, 🍵, 🥠, 🧋 for the pastry game (this is .... a lot but i am just so curious abt you LMAO)

HIUII dont be sorry, thats okay!!! its really sweet :D kicks my legs

🥖 - "do you have any fun/favourite memories with your darling?"

yes! usually when theres minecraft involved, or those times ive received a gift (especially when it's unexpected). i love hearing my darlings voice and having fun together!!

🥨 - "how far would you go to express your love?"

this would depend! i wouldnt hurt anybody, but i guess in more extreme cases ive had thoughts of being slightly violent? or wanting to isolate my darling until theres nobody but me in their life. i dont want them to choose anyone else when i can be everything they want

realistically though, im too nervous, with a love too gentle. so, instead i suppose i would mold myself into perfection for my darling. my personality, voice, appearance.. everything

🧇 - "what is your love language? (or top love languages)"

usually quality time and gift giving, if im the one offering to somebody else! i honestly would like and prefer to give all of my love languages to my darling, but those are the ones i lean towards. if its receiving, ill be okay with any! i dont like asking for much, and pretty much everything makes me happy

🫓 - "how do you stalk your darling?"

well, i like to have post notifications on (or else my dash wont let me see the posts fast enough ): which sucks),, i also scroll through the blogs that dont have on notifs, and some blogs of people i know that theyre close with! i look at the notes of their posts pretty often as well. overall honestly i try not to be too privacy invading, as i havent really been given explicit permission

even if i did have permission, though.. there isnt too much to stalk, though i might wanna try finding some stuff. i dunno!!

i also adore collecting, and save a lot of stuff, but i dont know if that counts!

🍡 - "what are some fantasies you have about your darling? dark ones? soft ones? answer both!"

hmmm.. okay so, as i refrain from having fantasies about any specific darling (as of right now, could change), ill just do some in general fantasies for a hypothetical darling

but, honestly i think a lot about domesticity with my darling. like maybe we're baking together, or playing a card game or something. maybe its the holidays, and i can finally display a gift ive worked so hard on,, id watch their face light up and feel complete with my whole existence

as for darker fantasies.. hmm. probably just the typical kidnapping thing. im kind of boring ): i might make it so, despite my darling being kidnapped, id make the house a positive thing to come back to. if its a safe place, and the rest of the world is exhausting and overwhelming — well, my job is practically done. ill consume their entire life, until all they want is to see me

perhaps another fantasy would be being able to keep a shrine. and maybe i would, maybe id try a digital shrine,, and then if ever i got to see my darling, id make a physical shrine as well. something super cute is the fact that you can make shrines in stardew valley, you know!

🎂 - "how do you express your love to your darling, if at all?"

i really need to get better at showing my love, i think, because i can be pretty bad at it. right now i try to show how much i appreciate my darling by simply being there when they need it, and offering my presence. i get nervous sometimes so im never outright like "i love you" unless its said first to me. besides, love can be a tricky thing. even if im sure that i feel love, i think a bad way to show it would be pressuring my darling with it

maybe part of showing my adoration is being so considerate.. hmm i wonder if that counts

🍫 - "how does your obsession show, and does it make you act aggressively/violently/unhinged?"

i say this with a little bit of unhappiness, but yes it can make me act aggressively and unhinged, sometimes even violently

its kind of a hard question to answer, because it depends on what emotion im feeling at the time. usually my obsession flares due to specific reactions — jealousy, possessiveness, & excitement are the ones ive identified as of right now

jealousy and possessiveness often go in hand, and the obsessive traits related to them are very similar / the same even. i get shaky, im angry or sometimes even fearful (if it comes with anxiety over abandonment). i can be as endlessly sweet and devoted to my darling, where to everyone else ill be aggressive and think about if i were to hurt them. it comes with the feeling of being out of control, like im spiraling. i can start laughing to myself too, as cringe as that sounds. spongebob when he rocks back and forth

excitement is usually better! (kinda?) with excitement ill become hyper, adrenalized even. i do start shaking in that situation as well, but its positive instead. ill grin until my face hurts, sometimes ill hyperventilate. oftentimes ill start thinking with grandiosity — "my darling is going to stay with me forever, they love me so much just as i love them. we'll never ever part, because we're perfect for each other. ill do anything to keep them with me, ill attach us together forever"

so yes!!

🍩 - "does your darling interact with others? if so, how do you feel about it?"

my darling does interact with others! i feel a little unhappy about it, mostly because i think about monopolizing their time so they only think about me, but for the most part im okay with it. i dont want to take away from their own happiness of having close relationships, especially since they might not consider us that close yet

if it were up to me though, they would gladly choose to spend more time with me and only me

🍯 - "what is your ideal yandere / darling scenario?"

if im honest, i dont really know what typical yan / darling scenarios are! id probably pull out the whole kidnapping thing again under duress hsndndb,, ive always loved the thought of "taking a long walk together that only one of them knows about." id hover behind my beloved, far enough away that they wouldnt notice me. or, maybe they would. maybe instead of being scared, they notice that im keeping everyone else away from them like a guard dog. and maybe itd be chilly out, dark except for the street lamps. id love to figure out everything about my darlings schedule, and where they like to go in this way. and id get to take pictures! id put them into a photo album dedicated just to them <3

🍵- "what's your favorite yandere trope or stereotype?"

i really enjoy the idea that the yan isnt very cool or popular! the loser yans, i think. not necessarily the perverse ones because im very much against that, but the ones who just genuinely don't know what theyre doing — theyre just so in love that they have to figure everything out about darling

or maybe the trope where the darling is revealed to also be a yan, or have those tendencies. where they go along with the yan's whims out of reciprocated love. i read stalker x stalker a while back, and i really enjoyed it for that idea!! especially the idea that.. i forgot what exactly it was, but one of the yans was a photographer and the other one had other traits. i would definitely be the photographer yan!!

🥠 - "favorite metaphor for love?"

definitely the canine motif! i absolutely love that idea — that i love like a dog, so terribly devoted. even if im kicked, left out in the rain or snow, ill sit there and drool (/nsx!!!) happily in front of my loved one. that i cant see past my adoration, i cant figure out how not to need them desperately, dependently. i dunno, i wish i could express it better!!

🧋- "what is your least favorite yandere trope or stereotype?"

hmm.. i might have to go with the perverted yans like i mentioned, or the ones with the dense love interest. i absolutely understand it being hard for someone to get cues or know that theyre being stalked, because yeah same T.T ,, but i think sometimes they take it too far. usually with the fem darlings, they can have a tendency to dumb her down to only being pretty. maybe she isnt that great at noticing things, but she doesnt have to be entirely stupid every single time

that and the stories that expect the yan to never ever experience any other emotion or dilemma or think about anything but their darling. yes, i love the portrayal of their darling consuming their mind, but other things are going to happen and the yan is only human, yknow?

OKAY THANK YOU SOMUCH FOR ASKING MI AMORCITA ):

[tera-91]

Wild month ...

I cant believe I went all spooky season without posting.

Well I wrote something and left my computer for a few hours and I don’t know what happened but all that I wrote that morning was just gone.

No, like a silly person I did not save before I left but there was another word doc I had open too that I hadn’t saved but that one was recovered …

Anyway it wasn’t too informative other than I was nervous about what might happened when my manager came back from leave. Honestly it was almost too accurate…

I walked in and my hands almost immediately started to shake with barely a good morning. It took less than an hour for this manager to get grumpy about something that was going on I don’t remember what it was. I could tell the schedule was going to be an issue since this manager kept checking out the next schedule the other manager put out throughout the day. To my *not* shock this manager asked why I wasn’t scheduled outside my availability as far as working in the evening. Not that this manager cared that I was scheduled EVERY day I usually have off or that I had two days off that I typically work due to a thing my sibling and I are going to. Oh no that was not a concern but the fact that I was not scheduled to work the late shift.

The whole time this manager has been gone Ive been putting in job applications either to get a second job or to just have a back up plan if I reach my breaking point again.

Part of me has considered to just quit … again. Once I get into the program I want to at school if the last years schedule is going to be similar to this new year coming up I would be in class the majority of the day 3 days a week. I already work, typically 4 days a week.

The way the schedule currently is, I’m not completely sure how to write it out. So I would have class on at least 2 days I’m typically off of work. I usually work on a day I would have to have class and there’s no switching that class day around so the only way for me to keep the number of hours is for me to work on the third day I typically have off or for me to work a few hours on probably at least 2 of the days that I have class without going beyond the time of day I can work.

Basically I just wouldn’t have a day off between the two at all or if I worked on a day or two I would have class I might have one day a week free. That’s like 50 hours a week just in work and class not including any kind of homework. I think its recommended you spend 2 or 3 hours per credit hour between homework and studying. That’s another like 18 to 30 hours. So that inflates my week to nearly 70 or 80 hours. I know some people do that routinely but still.

I have a difficult enough time just making sure I get assignments in on time and making time to study since I work the day before exams as it is.

I know that is a while away so I don’t think too much about it other than I need to find something else before that happens. Hell with the way the manager made me feel on day 1 of us working together after their return Im like I need to put a heavy foot on the grind to get my side projects done. Just need to get something to the point that I would feel comfortable to not work. The second day wasn’t much better. Getting all huffy and puffy because I am not an octopus and cant do 3 things at the same time. Without going into too much detail I was working on an immediate two part issue that would take less than 2 minutes to resolve since at the time I was already half way done when this manager said no that I was to do something else now. This thing *couldn’t* wait even though there was not an immediate issue with it other than I guess this manager was afraid they were going to inadvertently throw it out since they were going around the place throwing stuff out. I swear this individual asks questions with little to no context but doesn’t give me enough time to even register what they are referring to. That or they want something done and I just got to the point of absolutely not. I mean I think I was asked to do two or three things last shift that the manager ended up asking my coworker to do since I still doing what was previously asked on me. I’m not slow at my job but also when we have so many interruptions and tasks randomly asked of us not immediate to what we are doing. I almost said to just write me a list of the items you want me to complete in the next idk how long was left in the shift but I would get them all done.

Anyway, due to this manager’s task allocations (which in my opinion they give themselves too much busy work or whatever that makes things harder for them that they give out tasks they could more aptly complete) the next shift is more than likely going to start “behind the ball.” Which means I’m going to have to clean it up on my next shift.

This manager is back and with less than a handful of shifts working with this individual I’m back to being a jittery mess. I don’t want to go to work knowing they will be there. I’m practically holding my breath every time they speak. Watching every word I say, I try to joke to make light of the stressful environment, but it just gets thrown back at me. Or waiting to see if im going to be on the end of a conversation that feels like an interrogation. Wondering if they will go off about something. Say something that makes me feel dumb (I’m a bit dyslexic especially with numbers and I haven’t been diagnosed officially but my sibling says I have adhd so I do know I make little mistakes here and there but not anything that someone else doesn’t sometimes do as well). FFS Im up at 4am writing this because I cant sleep and ive been up for over an hour, maybe 2 at this point already. It’s fine since I have the day off as im writing this but still. How many more nights will I sleep maybe 4 or 5 hours before waking up unable to fall back asleep.

I hate to sound like a broken record. Mostly because I tell myself that I will do these things and then procrastinate and not do them. I’m going to do my best to hold myself to it. The only thing I think I can do is, well hopefully not burn out while doing it, but to spend as much time as possible on my side projects. Something. Maybe on my days that I work its just an hour but on the days im off its at least 3 to 5 hours. Spend time writing and editing and recording. Like the days that Im off that I have the mental capacity to it ill write, record and do the creative editing, while on the days that I work ill do the things that are a little less mentally draining like just the audio scrubbing.

[shipsational]

Okay So i had a brain blast about my ship with alastor so this is gonna be the Definite Kewpie x Alastor Ship Post that covers everything i have so far about it ↷↷↷

so this whole thing starts because somehow someway i get a demon attached to me as a kid, a toddler even, dont really know how or why, but because of this my whole life growing up is plagued by insane near death experiences all orchestrated by this demon (this is based on some real shit in my life btw, not to sound superstitious or anything and i dont even think i believe in demons of any denomination but there was some Weird Shit going on, i might talk about it someday) and by the time im an adult ive tired everything under the sun to stop these things from happening- different religious practices, spells and charms and rituals and so on and so forth im at my god damn limit im so tired

eventually im pushed to try to fight fire with fire, and end up summoning Another demon to try and idk cancel out the old one? make a deal to keep me safe? not sure What my plan was but i'd come this far and i didnt know where else to turn

well the demon i summoned was alastor. he wasnt even my intended target, in fact of demon of his power shouldnt really be able to be summoned at all under normal circumstances, and would require someone with a ton of power of their own to pull it off (havent decided if this is something i managed to do because of all the varied rituals etc mentioned earlier, or some dumb luck) and that alone is kind of intriguing for him

tbh he hasnt been summoned in a While, its something that got lost to time and he kinda assumed it would never happen again, and even when it happened before he would usually just kill the person without bothering to strike a deal, cause even people who did manage to do it usually werent strong enough to do it safely

but hell has been kinda Boring lately, the hotel hasnt given him as much entertainment as he had hoped (this is like. mid season 1, and with the understanding that the story stretches way longer than the breakneck speed the actual show takes) and he sees this as an opportunity for something interesting to do for a while

when he hears what im looking for, he's gotta laugh about it- there's no way this other demon that had attached to me would give him any trouble, and this was a great way to guarantee he get another soul when i eventually died anyway, so he offers up this deal:

for a few hours a day he gets complete control over my body, a full on possession to do whatever he wants with that time.

obviously im hesitant, but we go back and forth on it a bit before deciding to make the deal with some ground rules (like he cant do anything thats gonna get me killed prematurely for example- after all im doing this specifically so i dont die by another demon's hand)

so we strike the deal! no all he has to do is get rid of that other demon and my soul is as good as his! its not that simple tho of course- he's not sure how the demon is accessing the living world, and figures its likely similar to what he's doing- somehow tethering himself to the living world, while their actual physical body is still in hell, so he needs to figure that out on his end, and it ends up being a more difficult task than previously expected- so he could be dealing with something older and more powerful than he realizes.

he'll figure that out later tho, he's got living stuff to do! at first he's v dismissive when i ask him what he could possibly want to be doing with my body, like what was he even planning to get up to, but he cant keep me completely in the dark about it cause im still sorta There when im possessed- its a bit like lucid dreaming where you're aware that you're dreaming, but not quite aware enough to control what you're Doing in the dream, and over time i become more and more present the longer he's possessing me

so eventually he admits that he's curious about what happened after he died- he was a bit of a celebrity when he was alive after all, he's sure it would cause Quite a stir when it was revealed after he died that he was a criminal- a moonshiner for one, but a serial killer and cannibal! he wants to know if there was a media circus, where he was buried, wants to visit his old stomping grounds, and so on and so forth. this leads me on all kinds of adventures through the deep south, the dusty aisles of libraries and newpaper archives, old graveyards, and so on, all the while we keep getting more comfortable and close despite ourselves

and eventually i realize that he isnt actually interested in what happened to himself after his death, he's actually using all this to try and find out what happened to his mother. she was Not a local celebrity, and his infamy was so large that it eclipsed most of the people he knew in life, so tracking it all down was kind of a hassle. but he was and is a mama's boy, and he wanted to know if she lived a good life

now all of this eventually winds down to figuring out why there was that first demon attached to me, probably some fucked up nonsense a little while back in my family tree or something (tbh im not sure how much i want to focus on the how and why but we'll see) and we get that settled finally as well as finding out how alastor's mom's life played out and put him at east there, and all that's left is to simply live my life until i die, where i'll go to hell and alastor will have my soul to keep (we're v cozy at this point and quite comfortable cohabiting a body and mind space so he's not particularly eager to completely break the tether until my time comes)

and the thing about sharing a mindspace with something extremely dangerous and powerful that has just enough sway over the world around you to keep you safe in a bad situation, or even fully take over your body to get you out of it, is that you feel v confidant most of the time and fear isnt really something you deal with anymore, so i frequently go wandering around the woods at night for example because im sure nothing can really touch me when i have a demon for a companion

a demon in your head cant protect you from a bullet however, and maybe i should have known better than wandering the woods at night during deer season, and maybe the unholy aura i had around me hit the moonlight just wrong and the hunter thought he was aiming for the silhouette of a creature with antlers, and then i was dead

and then i wake up in hell

if this was a fic, at this point it would be like the 'part 2' (and who knows if i iron it out enough maybe i Will write it sometime) and im not sure exactly what i want to do about it just yet obviously it would loosely follow the canon of the show, just with a lot of extra stuff thrown in. maybe in 'part 1', we didnt actually Kill the other demon, just broke away from it, and its still in hell somewhere, fuming about losing my soul, or maybe finding out about his mom actually did Not put alastor at ease- maybe his actions made her life very difficult and now he has to deal with knowing that and i can use that as a catalyst to him getting redeemed to see her again in heaven, not sure yet!

but i do know a big part of the interpersonal situation is that we dont share that mindspace anymore, we're just physically There Together and tbqh its really difficult to cope with. we both got so used to it that we feel like something's missing now, and we might even go so far as to try to find a way to reestablish that mental link, or maybe there's still echoes of it lingering, but only if we're asleep or something like that

like i said, still ironing out the hell part of it all, but thats what ive got! much to think about much to think about

and to add to this- some stray little Thoughts and Ideas to play around with in regards to this story:

while researching alastor's life and 'hunting grounds' we run into a copycat killer, probably someone who has a personal collection of alastor's things, works at a library maybe, who's always dreamed of following in his footsteps, and that decides i should be the first victim since im also sooo interested in alastor's 'work' that i surely wouldnt mind (i do, and so does alastor (he does Not consider imitation as flattery and who tf does this loser think they are coming after something that belongs to him (he's gotten attached)))

i for sure need to come up with more fun and awful little adventures like that

alastor's ability to effect and manipulate the living world around me through his powers alone (so like Not literally using my body for example, this is more like a poltergeist) is stronger when there's radio static playing in the air

going off the idea that the mental link gets stronger and clearer the long it lasts, maybe at sone point it gets so strong that one time when i go to sleep, i 'wake up' in a v similar state as when alastor was first possessing me, that floaty, kinda-lucid-kinda-not, excpet now im hitching a ride in His body in hell and at this point he's so used to having me as a v general and vague presense at the back of his mind that he doesnt even notice at first that im much more clearly and actively There- its a frightening idea for us both when the realization sets cause now we Really gotta face whays going on here and how far its gone

when i get shot by the hunter, alastor is actively co-piloting my body at the time, and since i headcanon he died in a similar fashion (bullet to the head) its like he experienced his own death all over again (something something tied even in our death etc etc) and he sort of 'wakes up' back in his body afterwards and after realizing what happened having to fight the urge to be seen frantically searching the streets for me now that i must be here

considering we Were linked up when i died, and the black mark this whole situation would leave on my soul, my demon form would probably echo his design

how far am i willing to go while alive to achieve our goals- ive definitely been put in situations where i needed to do harm for survival, but would i go further than that, not because i needed to, but because i wanted to? is it alastor's influence or something that i was always capable of? do i indulge in cannibalism? what about after im in hell, what then?

thinking on it, i think Will go with alastor's mom suffering from his life choices, and him having to deal with that, as Well as having to deal with that first demon in 'part 2' to carry over as an overarching plot

maybe we Both get redeemed but we dont actually like it in heaven like its too bright so we fuckin.

act up to get sent back (this is mostly jokey but could you imagine)

[thoughts-and-all-that]

how the fuck do you block someone without blocking someone... someone who makes me deeply DEEPLY uncomfortable either follows my main (i checked after posting this, they do follow my main) or at least checks in on it enough that they liked one of my posts, but the thing is... we are in a very small fandom together, and ive talked to them on discord before, and i am trying so hard to be liked by this fandom despite how much it kinda grates on my nerves, and i really dont want them being like. hey why do you have me blocked. and like. starting drama about it

i guess i doubt theyd start drama but i really dont know them well and i. constantly feel like im walking on egg shells with these people cause theyre the types that are like. more sensitive than me. which sure thats not like inherently bad or negative but it gets. irritating when it feels like i have no idea what i can and cant say that might upset them or get me in trouble. like i cant even joke about cults and cannibalism with these people. like come on, its funny to make these shitty things out to be a joke, it makes it feel like they suck less. i mean, im not making light of them, when it comes to real situations of them im obviously not gonna treat it like a joke, but when it comes to the vague idea of them? yeah its funny. theyre just absurd concepts. i mean, come on man.

like, okay fine, its fine that they dont want to joke about it, but you cant even MENTION that stuff around these people. i mean i guess like. i guess its one of these peoples triggers but. what the hell situation do you find yourself in where cannibalism is brought up and becomes a trigger. like obviously i cant ask them that but like. WHAT. like did your mother eat your brother or some shit like... what the hell situation gives you cannibalism as a trigger. the cult one is fully understandable cause cults are common but you dont hear or see real life cannibalism every day. like does this person just have a horrible backstory or something.

i got very off track. i mean i guess it doesnt matter this is literally just a vent blog

its not like i hate any of these people. i may dislike one or two of them, thats just bound to happen with any group of people, but not hate. but as much as i dont want to say it, theyre not exactly my vibe. i mean... i always stuck out like a sore thumb in this fandom, even back in the day, hell, ESPECIALLY back in the day. i stumbled upon a fandom made by and for homeschooled christian kids and that sure was exactly how it sounds! and i... very much was not that. i was a public school atheist kid and i just simply found the content funny and the characters fascinating. i fell HARD for the characters, they... in more ways than one, lived rent free in my head.

a lot happened, i wanted nothing to do with it after, and then eventually i wanted something to do with it again. but ive been cautious this time. maybe a little too much i dont know. i just cant let it happen again. i know it cant happen again logically, and yet the creeping tendrils it left parasitically suckling on my skin creeps ever upward, threatening my very core.

i swear fandoms have changed drastically since 2016. i dont know what it was. i couldnt tell you if you paid me. they didnt used to be like this, filled with the one thing that makes me question my determination to go on. the one thing i cant even talk to anyone about because it makes me feel like im going to die, and other people treat me like ill die for it.

and its everywhere. its all over and i cant escape it and i try so desperately to.

and you know that its in this fandom. it was the first fandom i saw it in, actually. its the reason i feel this way at all. they haunt me. my every action is tinted with this haunting, it changed me for the worse.

i cant get close to any of them because almost all of them say it. and the ones who dont... definitely arent my vibe. the ones who dont arent even the ones i dislike, surprisingly. i used to hate one of them, hell, i used to hate one of the other people too. but things change. people change.

i guess i cant, since its been 7 years and this shit still haunts me so bad.

the reason that person makes me so uncomfortable is that thing. the one and i think only call i did in that server (i probably did one other) was with them and someone else, because i was like. why not! it was soon after i joined and i wanted to befriend the current era of this fandom. huge mistake. confronted with them doing the one thing that curses me. i left silently because they were all ignoring me anyway. what an experience.

ive had so many feelings since i joined that server, thats for sure. my relationship with this fandom could fill a novel. i hope it never does. it wouldnt get published anyway.

i just love these characters. i used to love one of the other people in the fandom. thats its own story. i cant even keep a conversation with them nowadays. how can i? the thing we had in common is gone. i cant tell them the truth. i REALLY cant tell them the truth. they would hate me. i cant handle them hating me. we arent codependently attached anymore but that doesnt mean i dont still care way too much about them. they were the best relationship i ever had, and we didnt even date.

i dont know what i would do if they hated me.

i just really love these dumbass characters. i dont know what it is. their own creators treated these characters a bit like crap. but these characters are so real to me. but not in THAT way.

and sadly ive tried to stop caring, but it didnt work. i mean... i did also want to reclaim them. that situation doesnt deserve to hold them hostage. i guess i could use to have that mindset about a lot more about that situation, but its not that easy. its really, really not that easy.

and because i care so much about these fucking characters, i care about having a decent relationship with the fandom. theres only so many of us, and none of these people are bad, i just... dont fit in. i never really did. but i try to. i dont think my effort does much.

i worry that they think im too much. i treat darker and mature topics like casual jokes, i dont share so many of the same ideas as everyone else, i make a lot of things about me because i dont know how not to. i try to keep up conversations by relating, but i fear it comes off as me trying to pivot it to be about me.

i think some of the stuff they do is silly, not that id ever stop them

i miss the early days, before the other shoe dropped. when i actually did fit. when it was so easy. when me and my friends filled up discord chats with back-and-forth prompts and ideas and writing... how i always wanted any fandom to be for me. why did it ever have to change. why did they have to tell me the truth. i was only 14.

i actually did almost have it with another fandom, too. that didnt work out as well after a little while. it was nice while it lasted.

i cant do that with these people. i wish i could. i wish i didnt feel like oil trying to mix with water.

so, anyway. cant block this person. wish i could. i wont though.

this is just the surface of all of this, you know. like i said, it could be a whole novel.

i have to live with this.

[wildflower-rain]

long post with just my musings about nothing. more a journal entry than anything else. all lighthearted stuff.

dont know if im in a mood but im considering stepping away from this blog and the internet in general for a bit.

been on here to much lately or something plus some other stuff. idk i may disappear briefly.

hesitant to do so because i think my unintentional attempt to keep stuff in this blog's queue is why my brain hasn't just rejected it. like thats not a big consideration point but it is there.

tbf there aren't many points here at all. i just kind of started thinking about this like two hours ago so yk, i may wake up and forget i said anything.

been less engaged in some ways anyway. and more in others. been on here for long periods but i normally try add a bit of commentary in the tags if only for my own memory and amusement. but i haven't seen much that ive really wanted reblog to begin with and ive had nothing to say about anything. also as i think i said in the last two posts here now i just dont have anything to say at the moment. nothing understandable and shareable at least. got real life stuff happening too. had a lot of work to do. and a lot of stress. not actually that much stress probably , not compared to normal because like every situation is a high stress situation to me. just how i work. but i may well be forgetting how stressed i've been. i'm not sure.

idk. this blog does help me sort out my brain some. which is a point to the the other side. this post is basically a journal entry. and thats really how i use this blog most of the time. rambling about random stuff. its more consistent than any journal i've kept or have tried to keep. wondering if it would be unreasonable to make a private sideblog to actually just use as a journal because apparently tumblr gets the thoughts out of me.

i should make a journal tag. maybe. i don't know. for some reason i have more faith in tumblr not losing all my stuff than my other digital note taking and journal stuff. and generally i think better in typing. i do have a physical journal. i just don't think as freely in it, my hand gets cramped or i cant write fast enough for my thoughts. so i like digital stuff. and apparently my brain sees tumblr as more likely to not lose my stuff and die than anywhere else. at least out of places that i like the format of. don't like the idea of dumping this all in a word doc for some reason. it would make more sense. i could stick things on a usb but no, instead here i am with my billion word tumblr post that anyone can see. maybe ill start copying things into word docs after the fact idk.

i dont know why im so afraid that all my shit will be deleted. i really havent lost that much digital stuff over the years, nothing important to me i dont think. not accounts, not saved info, not my own pieces of stuff.. maybe one or two things i dont remember. i dont know why i just dont trust stuff to not get lost becuase of some screw up. idk. its 3:30am i'm going to sleep now. i had more work to do but im tired and i need to do more stuff tomorrow so i might as well get some sleep.

goodnight tumblr. or goodmorning or whatever time it is when this gets released, imma queue it.

[heartfelttry]

i was texting a friend while doing my "needlessly anxious re-watch of all of thepandaredd compilations to make sure i didnt miss an OC or any important info before i post" (i did, i missed Arnold and also a maybe-hand-symbol of the Agents of the Reboot), and since she has also seen several bits of thepandaredd's stuff, she was sweet enough to ask me questions about my notes. like "oh, cool, what did you learn?" and "what would you like to ask since making this?" and then encouraged me to post my answers in tandem with the post in case?? any of it could be answered? (no entitlement here tho, i swear) im trying to apply more of Randy Pausch's "The Last Lecture"'s bit about how, generally, the worse that will happen when you put yourself out there is a "no" and return to status quo instead of just being Very Anxious About Everything All The Time lmao

as usual, i apologize for not editing this. id rather be prompt than polished when it comes to casual stuff like this. (which like. yes, even my casual texts are long. i over-explain, i info-dump, i am not a succinct person lmao)

● "what did you learn?"

well the most shocking part i learned from keeping these notes is the realization that thepandaredd either COMPLETELY accidentally (in which case, wow, is that fucking LUCKY) or METICULOUSLY planned (which, wow, that is fucking DETAILED) made up a set of pre-reboot "Ted"s and "Alex"s that could be cassualities from Bill The Henchman's reboot, along with a set of post-reboot "Ted"s and "Alex"s to replace the previous set. because the Ted and Alex pre-reboot set are two goons that Bill circumstantially could have known (and is vaguely feasible for them to have known each other assuming thepandaredd wanted that?). this pre-reboot Ted died in a Bill The Henchman skit, where Ted got thrown off the Wayne Towers (roughly 73 stories high) by Man-Bat. this pre-reboot Alex was in the Todd The Goonion Rep skit (where Bill The Henchman was also in, though Alex and Bill did not interact/share a scene) where Alex was a Bane henchman who was a victim of wage-theft and not-up-to-code company housing via pit/sewers. and then the reboot happened. and thepandaredd just released a tiktok series about some influencer named Ted whose life is crumbling — and who, regardless on if this is a reboot-alternate-life Ted or reboot-to-prequel-into-repeating-the-same-death Ted: the henchman LinkedIn joke is especially funny and oddly so much darker— who has a co-worker friend at Ted's assumed day-job named Alex who lives in a duplex split between Penguin and Two-Face territory. how fucking wild. if they are the same set but now rebooted, i wonder if Bill will recognize them

other things ive learned: in addition to the arguably-two-or-one Ted/s, thepandaredd has three seemingly seperate OCs all with the forename Todd, and only one of them has a last name (Todd Andrews, of Superb Prowers). i also learned a speaking pattern differntations between Dr. Morton (calls patients exclusively by their villain-names) and Dr. Aaron Michaels (calls patients exclusively by their civillian-names) that i find endlessly fascinating. i also realized Bill's skeleton-growing necklace thing he got from a fan might be gone bc of the reboot (or maybe its still there, idk). and, lastly, i wrote down notes of each named OC's (a few unnamed, but not many) wardrobe and most of them are "wears all black" and, y'know, as someone with a brother as well as a best friend who wear exclusively black, that was endearingly funny to keep typing again and again, it makes sense for Gothamites lmao all cool stuff to figure out

● "do you have anything you'd want to ask?"

short answer: yeah, there's a FEW things

now, the more me (fucking long) answer:

first, if i could ask any question (other than a question about if Bill's necklace is still the skeleton-growing thing or not because we haven't seen it since the reboot), it'd actually not be a clarification question. it'd actually be entirely biased around my special interest in "conceptual processes in media (aka: pre-production, and i still remain steadfast in insisting the 'writing ideas down on a shitty napkin' phase is probably my favorite part btw)", especially anything art related (where its most obvious manifestation is a hoard of concept-art books i showed you, bc, again, i just like people showing their work): and i just wanna know how the Goonion came to be. like. sure, feel free to answer in the sense of in-story lore how it got established as a bonus, i'd love that, of course. but my actual interest is based on "hey, thepandaredd how the fuck did you come up with the idea" (which i assume they have already answered that in a panel or twitch stream but **i** havent heard the answer yet). because i would have assumed there'd be a tiktok or something about "hey what if" that **then** became an exploratory skit (bc he's done that several times, which, fair), but nah. there is just Bill The Henchman's first appearance (where he was the first henchman ever beat up by a Robin), then MANY tiktoks later is a brief tiktok talking about Marvel Comics' Taskmaster Academy, and then MANY MORE tiktoks later is Bill's second ever appearance (its the "How the Bat Boys deal with henchmen" if youre curious) where Bill is properly called "a professional goon" AND name-drops "the Goonion" for the first time and a surprsing very few tiktoks later the Goonion shirt dropped, followed THEN by like a couple more tiktoks after is Todd The Goonion Rep's first tiktok drops and so on, which i know from legit going back and scrolling through thepandaredd tiktok to see if i had just missed the tiktok + if it just wasn't added to the youtube Compilations, and i couldn't find it. and like… i like knowing concept stuff, i wanna know how the Goonion came to be

(if i could be permitted a second question, id just want to know if thepandaredd has read ask-spiderpool?? as dorky as that is? which like. i know you said is too long for YOU to wanna read, BUT STILL. maybe he's read it. idk if they have a secret tumblr (also it is in a few other places now, i think. like i know its getting cross-posted to webtoons now but i think that one is still very fucking new). maybe. you never know. it is a v popular ask-blog fan-comic about Spider-man and Deadpool. esp bc of it really takes advantage of the ask-blog side of itself (it is v fitting of deadpool's psyche, you cannot refute that) to the point it feels like a critique on the nature of the ask-blog format? plus, that shit has been p consistently running since (i just checked) 2014?? so just about ten years??? fucking WILD. and, fam, i swear, it gets really fucking good, youve read One Piece, you can do ask-spiderpool, i so highly recommend it. like, it is the slowest slow-burn romance of all time, the creator knew these two have a LOT to work through and, even now that they are finally a couple, have still a SHIT bunch to work through. it is a really excellent character-exploration, i swear youd love it if med-school gave you the fucking time in the day. and its fucking wild to me how it gets a quite a bit of ask-spiderpool-specific fan-art and fanfic. but like. it gets it for a reason. like. again, not just "it reblogs spiderpool fan-art" NAH it gets "ask-spiderpool fan-art"??? wHAT!!! i love it, but id also enjoy hearing if thepandaredd loves/hates it or if he is just "meh" about it, assuming they have read any of it. idk

(a third would be wanting to know their Jason Todd playlist, thepandaredd said there would be East Coast rap, and i would love to explore the playlist. but thats just bc i like listening to people's Jason Todd playlists a lot. but i assume the playlist is private for a reason? or maybe i just havent seen the link for it. idk)

but yeah the skele-grow one is bothering me the most, but i also know that one will be indirectly answered SOMETIME. bc the necklace does get untucked SOMETIMES so itll likely be untucked again and i can confirm if post-reboot Bill still has it or not, so id probably ask one of the other ones if i was like at a panel q&a, it depends

[ my friend who shall remain anonymous: "lol you wouldn't ask them to stop naming OCs Todd and Ted?" ]

i think it might be a bit at this point, i find it hard to believe he doesn't know he's doing this. my whining comes from how ive run out of "what todd can be short for" forenames tho so any other Todds will just have the hc name of Todd to me, i guess lol

plus, Jason is also my favorite. so. like. i get it. its a subtle nod of a tribute, fair enough. its their OCs, im just writing notes when im not too sick to pay attention lol they can do whatever. i did put in "please, consider stopping, theres three assumedly different Todds" in my notes post, but im not serious about it, i think i even wrote that "its your stuff, do whatever, im mostly complaining as a gag" in case they do read the post? (i do plan on sending it, so maybe) but it does get confusing to ensure im putting the info in the right place as someone who is dyslexic lol but its his stuff, its whatever for me, i just like his content, if his content has more Todds/Teds thats fine lmao

/end of copied texts

but yeah! if you were curious, that is my headspace around what i had fun learning and what questions i still have! i have no entitlement towards any of it being answered or replied to. this was mostly for fun because i do like learning this kind of stuff and me publishing this stuff is me getting out of my comfort-zone in a way where i can handle the discomfort lol

plus, ive been really sick and this has been a nice way to feel that "i am making progress in a project" sense of accomplishment. both towards the notes being up-to-date and towards the DC fanfic i eventually wanna write but feel too sick to do chronologically yet. maybe after classes are off my plate and i got my degree/s. but yeah. its been a very nice comfort to make this, so i am v happy with myself (and thepandaredd by extension) even without any answered questions ♡

[flora-bigs]

DAMN this is truly forbidden...

MOTHER FUCKER. i might literally just have to post it as a tumbly post. under the readmore i guess

flower: been having small daydreams abt heathers slash fic queen robyn: heather? flower: heathers flower: the hit 1989 movie starring winona ryder and christian slater queen robyn: never heard of it flower: mean girls if mean girls was good + included murder queen robyn: oh fuck

flower: i wanna watch it as a family before we do the monsterhearts thing flower: it's a REALLY dark comedy queen robyn: pffffft ok but "watch it as a family" is legit queen robyn: the CUTEST thing you ever said flower: not as cute as my unwritten heathers slash fic flower: where heather chandler doesn't die but instead has a gay crisis involving veronica queen robyn: kill her with love flower: and heather macnamara and heather duke hook up on the side queen robyn: and maybe some casual feeding queen robyn: theres multiple heathers? queen robyn: well, i guess its in the name

flower: yeah they're all named heather flower: heather chandler, heather duke, heather macnamara and veronica sawyer flower: veronica gets to hang out with them mostly because she's really good at forging handwriting queen robyn: and theyre popular girls so im sure theyre all brats flower: of course they are flower: Veronica's not but she hangs out with them and like flower: is complacent in brattiness

flower: ive never seen jawbreaker but it has the same plot as heathers im p sure (accidental murder) but there's a line in it where the popular girls are gonna find someone, tie her to the flagpole and 'stuff her pretty face with pancakes' flower: so what if the heathers @ veronica queen robyn: SWEATS

flower: at some point veronica wrongs the heathers somehow bc she's not cool enough flower: and they threaten to undo her on monday queen robyn: omg…theyre ALL feeders flower: so over the weekend she makes a big deal of it and has sex w/ a school shooter and heather c dies because of it but what if she just waited until Monday and got tied up and fed to bursting and then one of the heathers (im not picky) had a weird gay crisis looking at her all stripped down and stuffed up queen robyn: she should have sex with the gay heather instead while shes tied and stuffed ideally flower: a) all heathers are gay b) tru

flower: MORE fuel for the fire: flower: in the musical (ambiguous in the movie) veronica is rly good friends w/ a girl named martha and martha is FAT queen robyn: omg….. flower: and unpopular because of it flower: and flower: in the heathers' big song there's a line flower: "keep on testing me, and end up like her"

flower: veronica and martha's friendship surviving is the happy ending and thats rly good queen robyn: awwww i like that flower: but like queen robyn: we can go gayer flower: i love the heathers flower: and at least one of the heathers is really into veronica and has no idea how to act about it

queen robyn: veronica let tied up in the gym at night, probably blindfolded, and gayest heather swings in without saying anything, just so she can kiss and stuff veronica more flower: omg flower: im gonna go with yes flower: MAN queen robyn: :33 you liked that huh? flower: i like my high school gays fucked up lowkey flower: brats -> bad rude arrogant teens queen robyn: define fucked up in this instance flower: like leaving your weird animosity-crush tied up in the gym overnight flower: cruel ? idk queen robyn: nice queen robyn: pretty cruel

flower: i love weird fucked up complicated lesbians flower: jealousy-power-crush flower: when you said swing i pictured literally like spiderman queen robyn: omfg queen robyn: i mean, if you want fucked up teens flower: heather duke the cheerleader just like trapiseing in to where veronica is tied up queen robyn: probably snapping pics too honestly flower: she's taunting and bragging about how everyone in the school is gonna see her like this flower: but she keeps them queen robyn: ok, so i havent seen the movie but what if all the heathers have real similar voices, so veronica cant tell which heather is tormenting her the most queen robyn: and this heather does more than tie her up like flower: biting flower: WEIRD head game shit queen robyn: maybe she positions veronica so shes like, almost face down and forced to eat a cake or fucking biting that shits fun af too flower: face down in a cake, bite ass queen robyn: fucking squeeze her boobs, call her a fat pig flower: veronica: squirm flower: heather: SQUIRM queen robyn: spanking even queen robyn: or hair pulling flower: tbh i bet the school has like flower: a paddle flower: for special cases queen robyn: …im gonna call you out on that part later queen robyn: but lets say theres a paddle flower: WHAT queen robyn: but heathers already bit the ass flower: it was the 80s they still did that queen robyn: oh, true

flower: bite ass, leave bruise queen robyn: bruises for sure queen robyn: maybe bruises from grabbing those thighs real hard too~ flower: those thighs w/ a little softness on them but nothing compared to what heather has in mind for her

flower: one heather dumps her another adopts her queen robyn: omg until they get to the queen who likes them huge flower: gay high school mental torture queen robyn: fucking love mental torture ngl flower: veronica messed up the power dynamic among the heathers and now theyre trying to rebalance and taking it out on veronica's figure queen robyn: omg yesssss! flower: but veronica is getting laid like EVERY NIGHT so shes not struggling a ton flower: like some for sure flower: its fucked up but flower: maybe she likes the attention queen robyn: omg yes. maybe people find out how much shes sleeping around (but never with WHO) so she gets this reputation for being a slut but really shes with these three heathers flower: i mean theyre all doing all these horribly humiliating things to her people are bound to find SOMETHING out queen robyn: i think finding her in the gym, tied up, covered in cake with her panties down her still tied legs would say enough flower: dont forget her grossly bloated belly queen robyn: the school probably TRIED to do something but veronica is like "no i have uh…a boyfriend. were kinky." and deflects any kind of charges queen robyn: oh that too! even though its the following morning flower: who knows what time a heather came to visit her queen robyn: 4 am queen robyn: just when veronica fell asleep and thought she was safe-ish flower: yeah like flower: ok im tied up in my underwear in the gym flower: this is pretty bad flower: i'll be found in the morning tho flower: hopefully not by a student queen robyn: better try to sleep to at least get some rest queen robyn: but nope flower: before dawn, someone creeps in flower: and all veronica can guess is 'heather?' before she gets her mouth stuffed fulla cake queen robyn: omg yes flower: the heather in question is bound to be talking nonstop just stream of consciousness flower: going between 'you fat pig' and 'you deserve this' to 'why am i doing this' and 'what is it about you' and 'this is your fault probably' queen robyn: ….omfg i fucking love it??? flower: weird insecure heather trying to justify the fact that shes just gay + mean queen robyn: with like, rough making out. very forceful, very toothy flower: biting in weird and painful spots flower: like flower: right where the butt meets the thigh queen robyn: omg yes queen robyn: or around the boobs queen robyn: not even on the boob like flower: sideboob bite queen robyn: veronicas given in, she wants some nippleplay at LEAST queen robyn: and heathers biting the underside of the boob

flower: veronica's diary mostly looks like "?????!!!!!!!??!!?!??!?!?!?!?!!??!!!?!" for a couple pages flower: so does heathers queen robyn: maybe thats why veronica keeps hanging out with the heathers like queen robyn: she doesnt know which one it is, so shes hanging out with all of them and get back with the mystery heather flower: and all the heathers lowkey can't get enough of her flower: heather duke has terrible gay urges but she cant make it REALLY bad for veronica because the other two heathers will come to veronica's defense queen robyn: her defense or to the defense to their claims on her? like they all want the right to say that veronica is THEIR bitch flower: what if veronica (she's savvy) starts picking up on some of this weird dynamic flower: and starts kinda stirring shit up passively flower: like queen robyn: like playing favorites whenever she helps them cheat flower: what if she wears like flower: a collar to school one day flower: and heather chandler just can't make eye contact w/ her queen robyn: I DIDNT WANT TO GO THERE BUT YOURE MAKING ME GO THERE HUH??? flower: hee hee flower: ok heather c is a hard domme you wanna hear her song flower: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQOoTX1Nxx8 its a rly good song + its sung at veronica + i think the dance includes lots of hip thrusting

queen robyn: she sounds like the type to use her daddys (or even worse, her bf's) money on a dominatrix outfit just for veronica, who of course, cant see queen robyn: what if the candy store is also partly literal and they stuff veronica with so much candy flower: ice cream and chocolate syrup and cake and gummies until she can barely stand, even though shes tied to the flagpole queen robyn: theres a sign that says "FAT PIG" around her neck flower: previously-flat stomach swollen and tight and bulging against the ropes flower: maybe they just write it on her chest w/ lipstick flower: and they leave her there to get found basically but one heather sneaks back and gives her a rough kiss and then runs away w/o a word flower: and then shes just left tied to the flagpole on a saturday morning, cold, nauseous, bloated and kinda turned on queen robyn: stuff her all weekend long

flower: if you make heather c have gay thoughts she'll tie you up somewhere public and force-feed you carbs until you're about to puke/burst flower: but then she gets more gay thoughts flower: so who is the real loser here queen robyn: you are for wanting it even more

flower: hair pulling, force feeding, bondage, humiliation, flower: veronica that's a free gf

flower: honestly by punishing veronica like that heather's just exposing her weakness queen robyn: willing victims of fucked up sexy shenanigans? flower: which can only prompt veronica to dress gayer flower: and Veronica's not admitting she's into it (she is) shes trying to pull a power play by continuously turning heather on in front of her clique flower: not so bulletproof queen robyn: what if it blows up in veronicas face though and her gay dressing turns on ALL the heathers? flower: of course it does flower: in different ways flower: u KNOW that heather wants heather to step on her flower: so if Veronica's showing up in ripped jeans and belly shirts and collars all the heathers are gonna start getting ideas flower: heather c is too rattled to be the full icy bitch she usually is, heather d is jealous/attracted and heather m is trying not to accidentally call veronica 'mommy' flower: and that's how you power bottom queen robyn: …omfg flower: every time a heather loses control and does something fucked up to her she becomes more powerful flower: it's way worse if she can get a heather alone in public flower: cause then there's no heathers to back them up/reinforce the cruelty flower: Veronica's rep is already ruined she's ready to go full gay flower: and ruin the heathers with her

queen robyn: flower im too weak… queen robyn: this is too good flower: Ripped Clothes queen robyn: too weak D: flower: futch sawyer really gaying it up around the heathers and making them all quietly lose it

flower: veronica in a letterman jacket and a rly tight blouse underneath flower: pushing the heathers insecure, gay little buttons even tho when one of them snaps it's another ambush and force-feeding for her to look forward to queen robyn: its like a reward for unleashing their gay flower: the more she teases them, slowly, the softer and curvier she gets flower: and idk if you've ever seen a curvy girl who dresses boyishly but it's extremely hot flower: even though it's heather holding the stack of pancakes and shoveling them into Veronica's mouth and making her eat three days worth of calories in under an hour, flower: it's veronica who's really in control