#If I'm not certain I don't add it
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Rubius: Richard- do you have a gun, Richard?
Cellbit: No, they- they took all the guns from the Eggs.
Rubius: Ok, Richard... You are the special one, ok? [Hands Richarlyson a gun]
Richarlyson: [Turns around and shoots Cellbit twice]
Rubius: NO- WAIT WAIT WAIT-
#Rubius#Richarlyson#Cellbit#QSMP#Y'all I cannot emphasize enough how frickin delighted I am that Rubius is coming back#IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU ALL TO GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER... HE'S THE BEST#he's so sweet too :')#For those who don't know: He's the one who gave JuanaFlippa her gun#Translated#.... partially#I'll be real sometimes Rubius speaks too fast for me to be able to perfectly translate what he said#Like *I* get the jist what he said in that last half but I can't give a perfect translation#I just translate what I can#If I'm not certain I don't add it
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I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen ning#wei wuxian#wen qing#jiang cheng#Truly Massive disclaimer here: I am a Jiang Cheng enjoyer. I like his character. I enjoy that he is very flawed and volatile.#This episode of the audio drama has a lot of great breakdown scenes featuring JC - and they all deserve a feature.#But underlying this comic is a small meta comment of 'ah man I have too many comics of JC just wailing sadly'#My goal is to draw 6-8 comics per episode - I sometimes have to truncate and cut good scenes out.#Especially when a large majority is just different flavours of trauma and toxic relationships to your self-worth.#I would also like to make a note here that just because you lose the ability to do something that is very tied to your core identity-#-does not mean your life is over. It will feel like the end of the world. It will send you into a spiral of grief. It will hurt so badly.#Sometimes we do not realize how tied up our identities can be in certain things until we are cut loose.#You don't lose yourself. I promise the pain will fade in time. I promise you will find other things to tether you. I promise you will be ok#Life moves forwards. Time moves forwards. You move forwards.#Ego death just means an opportunity for ego rebirth. You are never committed to being the same person forever.#To wrap this around to JC: Yeah I love the twist with the core transfer but man I would have loved to see JC accept the loss.#Obviously it happens for a reason (story) but I can have my AUs. I can have these 'what-ifs'.#described in alt text#I'm trying it out! *please* give me feedback - I want to eventually Add image ID to all of these comics one day
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Are yall the type to have one huge playlist or a bunch of mini playlists that have certain moods and genres put into them
- sincerely someone with a playlist filled with 4K songs
#no I'm not joking#everytime i say this people flinch#like yes I do just randomly scroll#yes I do get whiplash#with Hamilton's satisfied being right after N25's cover of Kitty#shocked? don't be#yes it switched from kpop to j city pop to just French to Russian#MY PLAYLIST RESEMBLES MY MOOD SWINGS#redacted audio#redactedverse#redacted asmr#adds the tags#anyways I'm a firm believer Asher just has a big ASS playlist#convince me otherwise you will not#NAWT DOJA CAT COMING ON#joking this song kinda hits#I had ice cream by BP in this playlist for a while and I didn't realize because I rarely get to the middle part#of the playlist#so I promptly REMOVED that song#there's also like certain parts of my playlist where you could tell I was smoking that good shit#because it's just BANGER AFter BANGER AFTER BANGER#NO SKIPS#JUST STRAIGHT BANGERS#and then there's the parts that are sad#happy#twerkable#and so forth#it's very funny
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THANK YOUUUUUUU HOYO
I'm so glad these two weren't just shelved with no acknowledgement of their time together in 2.2, I'm so happy. Dan Heng had zero hesitation about contacting Boothill for this, and the fact that he trusts him enough to rely on his word alone is already dearly beloved to me, but it's also the fact that like. Dan Heng is notoriously antisocial.
Yanqing worries that he's offended him, March 7th used to complain about him not opening up or talking more, he's completely silent in the group chat with Bronya, Sushang develops the world's funniest nickname within like minutes of meeting him.
Even his signature on his text messages. Instead of anything personal or a friendly greeting like most people, Dan Heng's just mentions his job as an archivist.
It's not that he doesn't like people! And it's not that he's trying to be rude or anything! Dan Heng just. Doesn't like chatting.
But that's part of why I think it's really cute that he wanted to ask Boothill something, and immediately pulled out his own phone to do it. In 2.3, we had the huge group chat used to disarm the bomb on the Radiant Feldspar, which included the dango trio and Boothill. So we know all four of these people must have each other's contact info. Dan Heng could have just as easily turned around and asked the Trailblazer or March 7th to text Boothill. But no, even though Dan Heng never likes to talk unless it's absolutely necessary, he decided he wanted to do it himself this time. ā”
#honkai star rail#henghill#bootheng#honkai star rail dan heng#honkai star rail boothill#hsr dan heng#hsr boothill#I normally don't like to make posts about a patch until I'm finished with it...but I'm avoiding socmed to avoid spoilers#and avoiding everything but my own notifs is getting me champing at the bit and dying to yap fjdslfjkdlsj#I'm only maybe...halfway through? I think?#SO NO SPOILERS#but I really hope we get to see more of these two later aaaaaaa#I have more stuff I cut from this because I'm waiting to finish the patch and see if there's more fuel to add to it#but I am SO excited to go off about a certain something WHEEEEE#hsr#dan heng#boothill#hsr 2.6#honkai star rail 2.6#hsr 2.6 spoilers#EDIT: I FINISHED THE PATCH WOOOOOOOO
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question on tumblr etiquette:
if you fall under a user's DNI list, but that user reaches out to you via ask or DM, without knowing you fall under their DNI list, do you still respond?
hypothetical example: user A specifies on their blog "DNI if you're over the age of 18", but then user A reaches out to user B. User B is over the age of 18, but user A does not know this because user B doesn't mention it on their blog. User B does know that user A does not wish to interact with people over the age of 18. does user B respond to user A?
#crab chatter#someone sent me an ask and i happened to see they have a detailed list of DNI criteria#and i fall under it#but now i dunno what to do?#i don't wanna be rude by ignoring their message#but i also don't want to be disrespectful for breaching their DNI#even if they don't currently know#maybe i'm overthinking things#i tend to do that#i might just play it safe and not respond#cuz i feel like everyone has their own reasons for their boundaries#and it's not my place to determine whether or not my well-intentioned attempt to be polite/friendly is comfortable for them#the other user put in the effort of communicating their boundaries#they just didn't know i fall under their DNI before reaching out#but it's MY responsibility to act responsibly and uphold their boundary#i'll add this to my pinned post rules#i will not reply if I feel uncomfortable or if I feel like my response could potentially make someone feel uncomfortable#of course i'm not going to talk to them about the topic(s) they have boundaries around#but if they truly do not want to interact with people of certain ages or beliefs or lifestyles etc#i want to respect that#i just feel bad about giving people the cold shoulder#but i'd feel worse if the other person felt hurt or betrayed#yeah i'm definitely overthinking it
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so here's my honest thoughts on dragon age: the veilguard, after ~40 hours of playing. i finished the main quest after having finished all companion quests and major faction quests. just to clear up what content i saw, i played as an elven transmasc rook who is a member of the lords of fortune. he romanced lucanis (although after finishing the game i'm now leaning towards taash). i don't know what's happening in playthroughs that have a different race, gender identity, romance or faction going on.
full spoilers ahead, i mean it. don't read further if you want to avoid them. i don't want complaining about it in my asks.
oh and also, if you're worried because of a few negative reviews online i can comfort you by saying don't give a fuck about a certain big name youtuber who is very much tied to bethesda franchises giving this a negative review. i'll explain why.
i'm starting off with the things i liked
the game looks really pretty. i was worried it wouldn't feel like thedas anymore (with them trying to "focus on northern thedas only" i thought they'd make a clear cut in environmental design. they do and they don't. it's complicated. i'll elaborate on it when talking about the negative stuff). anyway it does. minrathous feels like kirkwall. treviso enchanted me like the winter palace did. the hossberg wetlands reminded me of the hinterlands and a couple other inquisition maps. arlathan looked like... arlathan. the crossroads were different, but familiar. overall i like the way it looks and feels. it's thedas, with a twist. it's a good one, and gives everything a solid but unique feel.
combat is top tier. if you're a hardcore dragon age player you WILL miss the tactical aspect of it for a bit, but i promise you, once you're used to the way the combat works, you will be lapping that shit up. and once you get to ability combos you'll mourn the control you used to have over your companions in battle a bit less
the MAIN quest and its story. i expected worse, way worse. and for a while the game even had me tricked (harr harr you'll get it in a second) it is Really That Much Worse. but holy shit was it good. i walked away satisfied ngl.
your choices have SOLID weight. there's consequences, good AND bad. i got minrathous blighted, ruled over by venatori, and the leader of the shadow dragons ultimately died because of my decisions. i made those at the beginning and throughout the game. he died at the end. DAVRIN died because i didn't expect what i was saying to have that much weight. i thought i was in the clear. he had hero status. well turns out, your choices can still get your companions killed even if you do everything right. i fucking love him. he shouldn't have made that sacrifice just because i told him to do everything it takes once.
the inquisitor, morrigan and dorian being there, surprisingly. there's also negatives to this though, see below.
speaking of companions dying and the inquisitor playing a bigger role: the final quest feels like me2's suicide mission. i was blown away by it and the fact that i got to see the results of all my efforts playing out in front of me.
bioware are NOT trying to redeem solas. they love him as a character yes, but i wasn't forced to see any good in him. he betrays you. he fucked my rook over twice. he fucked him over right back, for good this time (the veil wasn't torn down, i anchored it by binding him to it, he's doomed to uphold it). but solas really lives up to his name as the trickster elven god. rip to all the people who grew really attached to him over the years.
varric died. if you like him that's probably as hard reading it as it was watching it. varric died and the game lies about it until the very end. when the realisation hits, it hurts. but in the very best way.
the amount of care they put into gender expression and trans identities this time around. (i'll add onto this with negative points as well too).
rook feels very much ingrained in the world of thedas. he doesn't ask questions that expose the player to lore through dialogue as if he's stepped foot into thedas for the first time. those conversations feel very solid and good. i hope other faction players got as much joy out of this as i did.
and the things i didn't like and boy there's a lot unfortunately
the music. let's just get that out of the way holy shit. it doesn't feel like it belongs in this universe. it gets so incredibly sci-fi-y at times you'd think it's taken straight from mass effect andromeda. there's not a single song unique to veilguard that i really enjoyed. it broke my immersion, real bad. hearing a busker play the tavern songs from inquisition on a lute right after i killed some venatori with wobbly bass songs playing in the background is just odd. weird tonal shift. don't like it. it's made for people who like flashy light-weight cinema.
tevinter nights is required reading. the podcasts are required listening exercises. the game is so fast paced, especially at the start, that there's no time to introduce you to characters and how much weight their names carry in-game. i would not have known who half these people are if i hadn't skimmed over tevinter nights. i'd care even less about them than i already did. there is no time to get properly attached to them. people will act as if you're talking to a legend personified and you'll be thinking man goddamn which chapter of tevinter night were they in again and what did they do???
there's a weird mismatch with the animations. you'll have beautifully fluid ones, like emmrich casting spells. and then you'll have rook's face animating in the most unnatural manner that's sorta reminiscent of mass effect andromeda's "my face is tired" addison, when their emotions SHOULD be landing with the player rn instead.
i'm not vibing with the art style. sometimes it works. most of the time it doesn't. at points i felt like i was watching tangled.
that also brings me to some of the dialogue. same issue. i am watching frozen. i am watching tangled. someone on the writer's team really likes the adorkable trope. bellara is its victim.
for all the talk about identity, bioware sure doesn't like theirs. the grey warden armor got a redesign again and it just makes them look like a generic army. i hate it lol
in general, i don't like the armor design. the wardrobe/appearances system is fine, but it's just not helping if all the armors are just... kinda bland or downight bad looking? and don't get me started on the lords of fortune armor. that is orientalism personified.
the world states should have been carried over, full stop. i know they said they didn't because they want to separate what happens in the north from what happens in the south, which... i could have lived with that. but the inquisitor sends you letters that keep you up to date on... the south of thedas. you learn that there's a blight again, that people are standing strong but it's difficult, denerim's fallen, the rulers are taking care of it, orlais is fighting and they're successful for a while, etc etc. what's good bioware. i thought we don't care about the south this time around. why are you feeding me so much boring generic information. if you're not gonna show any of it and just write letters, then carrying the world state over should not have been an issue. i have a game dev background. those few lines of code would not have broken your budget or pushed your engine's limits. fuck right off.
this gripe of mine carries over to all the cameos. as a lord of fortune you have to deal with isabela a lot. it's fun. i missed her. you get to go drinking with her and taash and bellara! also my hawke romanced her. she's not mentioned once. they had the opportunity to put a sentence or two about her in there with not a lot of effort, trust me.
when varric dies, all she has is a single line about it. for gold, for fortune, for varric. she only says it if you interact with her on your way to the final push. that's not mandatory.
morrigan is there. kieran isn't. the old god soul that mythal and then solas absorbed? who cares at this point, the gods are dead now and solas is locked away for eternity. i suppose? why is morrigan there. she feels unneeded. i wish they'd just left her down south, at least that way i wouldn't have had to witness her god awful redesign.
dorian at least feels as if he belongs in this story. the shadow dragons are a crucial part to protecting minrathous. he's also weirdly underutilised. isabela and morrigan had more lines than him in my playthrough.
on the topic of romance: bro that was underwhelming. no, genuinely. you know when romance picked up a bit? after the point of no return. i heard maybe two lines of companion banter about it before that. maybe i missed something which i honestly doubt, but romance did not play much of a role in lucanis's storyline. i saved his grandmother as he wished me to (and if you read tevinter nights you know she was rather abusive and their relationship not the healthiest) and told him to focus on his family. a reunified family my rook wasn't even introduced to as a partner at the end of all that.
really, do not buy this game if you're only in it for the romances. others might be better, lucanis's basically gave me nothing. except for an outing (the second coffee date i had with him, it was getting repetitive) all of it played out once i committed to the final quest. the sex scene was a fade to black. annoyingly right after davrin died. if you're looking for well paced and good spice, pick up something else. the sweet talk and the final goodbye were nice though.
for all the good the ever-presence of gender identity does, it is brought up in such a disruptive manner too. it doesn't even play out naturally if you CHOOSE the lines that are meant to be said. hearing the words trans and non-binary in this setting doesn't feel right, and i'm saying this as a trans guy. i think it could have been handled more gracefully. the amount of times my rook went "i'm a MAN" as if he's about to start drumming on his chest and roaring any second now got super nerve-grating. "i'm so glad you're into me... the me who is trans. remember?" just. tell me one trans person who'd talk like that to a person they've grown close with and are trying to romance. this game doesn't handle sexuality well, so all this hey my body might not look like the way you're expecting it to look talk amounts to nothing anyway. i feel about this the way i feel about krem: this is partial exposition to trans experiences... packaged up for cis consumption. the ONLY exception to that is interacting with taash. holy shit was all of that heartwarming and bro did it feel good and natural to talk to them about theirs and rook's gender.
rivain and nevarra are new locations added by veilguard. they're also incredibly underwhelming, small and constricted maps. rivain is a coastline with a few ruins. the hall of valor is a partial ruin nestled into a cave on a beach, with a fighting pit. isabela is there in her skimpy outfit commentating your pit fights. that's it. i'm sorry if you were looking for a bustling pirate cove or whatever. you're not gonna get it. the nevarran crypts btw are a long ass dungeon crawl. that's it.
speaking of maps. i thought people were being dramatic when they said you're gonna be fighting the same enemies on them again and again. i thought they were figure of speeching it. they're not. you WILL fight the same amount of enemies. in the same spot. every time you reload the map. best to stay on a map and clear out the enemies and do as much questing on that map as you can before leaving, because you WILL have to do it all over again once you return.
the three choices i made for my inquisitor didn't matter lol she didn't have to face solas and therefore couldn't stop him at any cost as she had sworn (maybe because my rook tricked solas into binding himself to the veil, there was also an option to fight him. would she have stepped in? who knows). blackwall wasn't mentioned. and either her using a small amount of her forces in the final fight was the reason the civilians of minrathous fared so well..... or it just didn't matter. ultimately i think she had very little impact on anything
#datv#datv spoilers#dragon age: the veilguard#oh wow i hit a limit typing this#anyway to tie this up a bit: the good and bad to the environmental design being that well-known architecture like minrathous and dwarven#ruins look fire and remind me a lot of the previous games#but newly added locations are very... generic... very bland#i was very excited for rivain. i thought we'd get to see ships. not a bunch of ruins and a fighting pit and that's it#and why did i say to ignore a certain guy's review? bro because he was complaining about taash being ace and that taking up their screentim#and them being too up in your face about their identity. he did all this while she/her'ing them constantly#but my man they're trans. nb. not ace.#y'all need to be careful about bad reviews. they're coming from people who are upset about gender identity being handled as a topic in this#game. meanwhile they have no clue what they're even talking about. i don't think matty knows the difference between ace and trans#and neither do the hundreds of people who are one star rating this game currently#i liked this game. it's not top tier. it's not something i'll sink hours and hours and hours of my life into#it has tonal issues and it's moving away from what made dragon age stand out for me#but i do think that it's a genuinely fun play and people who are very invested in dragon age will squeeze joy out of it wherever they can#i had a hard time warming up to the new characters (taash and lucanis being the exception because they have an older bioware air about them#but solas's and varric's story (and don't get me wrong that's what veilguard is about) is GOOD. that is how bioware used to be.#and i wish they'd given us that energy all over the game. that direness. that grit. serious and mature writing.#that consistency is lacking#and whether you're gonna enjoy this game or not is entirely dependant on what you came here for and how well the game delivers on it#i think their weakest points are ironically the thing they advertised the most: the new companions and their writing#you won't find nuanced and good enemies here (i already reblogged something about this. you can go scroll around a bit and catch up on that#really the only thing that had me super invested and emotional was the main quest.#so make of that what you will. ultimately i was more frustrated with the game than i got enjoyment out of it. i was close to just put it#aside for now... until i went to minrathous to end ghila'nain's and elgar'nan's ritual. that all blew me away. still on a high off of it.#anyway yeah that review got cut short by the character limit maybe i'll add more to it tomorrow but rn... i am heading to bed#thanks for coming to my ted talk. also i'm sorry. zevran REALLY isn't in this.#dragon age
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Am I crazy or does Luigi's Mansion 2 require more observational thinking than the usual Mario game?
I'm used to the hard part being the reaction time and the hand-eye coordination, but this is that + puzzles.
#are the puzzles hard? not particularly#but I'm bad at them so it adds an extra layer#the puzzles are WAY harder than anything in SMB Wonder. That I can say for certain#you guys do not want to know how long it took me to figure out how to beat the giant spider after the first wave#or how badly I got kicked around before I figured out that first Boo boss fight with the spirit balls#they don't even take your hand and walk you through the tutorial like in most Mario games#they just say ''hit +. The instructions are there'' which feels VERY in character for E. Gadd honestly#(none of this is negative btw it's purely observational. I'm having a good time so far)#luigi's mansion#luigi's mansion 2
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the amount of math i put into figuring out my PTO is honestly so funny. i've probably spent like 2 hours this week and last week just playing with the leave calculator spreadsheet my coworker gave me. this morning i added a sheet for 2026 so now i'm calculating my PTO out that far. i basically already have a plan of how i'm taking time off for 2025 so as to maximize my time off in 2026. i dont think this is a normal level of attention to detail but at least i'm having fun
#(at my job i can accrue a certain amount of PTO that then becomes 'use or lose' because only so much carries over each year)#so by the mythical year 2026 i could in fact end up with 121 hours of use or lose by the end of it#aka i am Forced to take off 15 days (121 hrs) that year or it'll just be wiped#oh dear oh no! however could i manage to take 15 days off! <- DESPERATELY wants to be in this position as soon as possible#my issue is that i keep taking too much time off so i havent hit the maximum cap yet lmao#like if i just chilled out i could reach it next year#but chilling out is not in my vocabulary. i have places to go and people to see#therefore i cannot reach use or lose in 2025 BUT i can reach it in 2026....if i don't end up spending too much of what i accrue first#so i have vauge plans next year that havent solidified and i keep trying out stuff to see how many hours it would leave me with#historically my methods of maximizing time are:#1) work a flexible schedule with 9 hour days one pay period in order to get a day off for 'free' (this is how i'll get black friday off)#2) work over time and bank those hours as 'credit' time. i can have up to 24 hours/3 days worth of that stored#(i can easily do this long term by just like. working an extra hour every week and it'll add up lol)#3) receiving a time off award if management loves me enough (i normally get a free 8 hours award each year but i can't bet on this)#4) earning travel comp time by working overtime via work travel (such as your flight getting in at 8 pm or whatever)#5) earning normal comp time by attending a work event outside of normal hours (i.e. that time i worked on saturday)#these are all ways to get time off without dipping into PTO so that i can let the PTO accumulate#......as you can see i'm Very normal about this
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WAIT IF THE POSTER IS HINTING AT TANGLE LORE
AND THE TANGLE IS PROBABLY WHERE THEY HID THE BODIES OF THE MISSING PEOPLE
ARE WE,,,,,,
ARE WE FINALLY GOING TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THEM,,,,,,,,,,, AFTER ALL THIS TIME,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I need to stop making the tags longer than the post,,,,,
#Chip Chatter#WAITWAITWAITWAITWAIT THE TANGLE LORE AND GGY PREQUEL COULD GO SO WELL TOGETHER YOU DON'T UNDERSTNAD#Also I didn't know where to add this in the post but iirc the mass of endoskeletons and human corpses in the TFTPP epilogues is referred to#as a tangle multiple times and I mean I mean I mean I could make some epilogue propaganda out of that I mean I mean I mean#whatever sorry I'm slow I just got hit with this like a truck while thumbnailing a drawing I' justuhreaigujhufg#IF WE'RE GETTING TANGLE LORE THEN THESE GUYS WILL MOST LIKELY BE MENTINOED..... I'M NOT INSANE I'M NOT#I know the therapists specifically have been mentioned before but that awas in reference to Glam Freddy and hiding them in his stomach hatc#but the people on the newspapers haven't had their bodies found like the therapists- they're MISSING#their bodies were hidden adn I'm SOOOO certain they're in the Tangle#DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I THINK THIS WORKS WELL WITH GGY PREQUEL!!!!! DO YOU GET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#pre help wanted 2
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you know when a song doesn't overall fit a character too much (not really ill-fitting either, just. not quite There) but one or two lines in it are sooooo....... so on point
#do i add it to the playlist? idk#sometimes i do then later decide it's not an excuse#. as you can tell i am working on my currently extremely lackluster aven playlist#considering how loose i wanna be with it. do i go by vibes. do i follow certain story bits even if they don't represent him as a whole. hm#for now i'm being strict and aiming for stuff that have at least a verse or two that fit or if the topic is on point.
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it's actually, genuinely, honestly hilarious that in a fandom where popular ships include characters who are biologically related, characters with a 10+ year age gap who met when one was a teenager or even a child, and characters who have tried to kill each other, people hate on a friends-to-lovers ship with a <2 year age gap where the characters have a deep emotional bond and plenty of romantic subtext, because "they're siblings". my brother in the force they are literally not.
#i'm just saying. out of all the ships in the star war; sabine and ezra have one of the healthiest dynamics#right up there with kanera and bail and breha and obitine and maybe a few others. there are SO few 'problems' with it.#not that those 'problems' make a ship BAD when it's written well or in certain context.#just that out of all the ships to pick on; people choose THIS one?????#the one with character growth and found family and mutual respect??#the one with self-sacrifice and decades-long loyalty and obitine parallels and a jetpack chase scene????#what's there to hate???#and i would add a disclaimer about how if you dont ship them its fine as long as you dont bully but honestly?#i am so so tired of having to qualify my statements.#this is about the targeted hate. this has always been about the targeted hate.#and i don't care if someone loathes something i love as long as they they keep that loathing out of my personal space.#this has been a tag rant. thank you for reading.#btw i'm not being sarcastic about it being hilarious. it genuinely cracks me up to see people get SO hateful over this#for a reason that does not exist#as opposed to several other ships which DO IN FACT HAVE THAT OBJECTION.#like. oh my gosh. are you even listening to yourselves.#if u wanna have the don't-ship-siblings fight then puhLEEZE bring it to someone who ships siblings.#jessica's controversial star wars opinions#sabezra#(don't worry that this post is a vent because i'm getting bullied or anything. im not visible enough for that i guess lol)#it was written in humor not in hurt :)
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[A sad violin song plays over an image of a sad hamster]
Pac: This doesn't have anything to do with me ā I wear a blue sweatshirt, you're crazy, this mouse doesn't even have a sweatshirt, this hamster! [Reading chat] Am I a depressed hamster?
[ Transcript continued ā ]*
ā
Pac: Actuallyā that's fine! I embrace that idea ā of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy? [He hits his desk, then starts counting off people on his fingers] Fit is gone, Richarlyson is gone, Ramon is gone, Bagi and Empanada who were always there when we were there are also gone, I haven't seen them! It's just me and Tubbo, and sometimes Philza shows up.
Pac: I lost Chume Labs, I lost the Favela, I lost Murder Mystery, I lost Ilha Chume Labs, it's crazy! Look at how much I've lost, and I've gained nothing! Of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to be happy?!
Pac: [Reading chat] "You have us Pac," that's true, thank you. No, that's true, sorry.
* NOTE: Please note that this is an incomplete transcript, as I was primarily relying on Aypierre's translation mod at the time and if I am not confident of the translation, I do not include it. As always, please feel free to add on translations or message me corrections.
#Pactw#QSMP#Pac#March 18 2024#As much as I love keeping people updated about Pac / the other Portuguese-speaking creators#I think I might not make as many transcribed posts for their clips anymore#I just don't think I'm qualified enough to be transcribing things for a language I don't know#like yeah we have the Qlobal Translator and Aypierre's translators to rely on#And I'm always upfront when I'm not 100% sure about a translation#but I've been thinking about it a lot and it kinda makes me feel a bit icky. Idk.#I might be overthinking this but I just I don't want to spread around translations I'm not super confident about#esp. since I know a lot of people cite my clips in analysis posts or link them to other people as resources#and 90% of the time I'm like ''Hell yeah I love seeing people getting a lot of use out of the archive''#but sometimes I get a bit anxious like ''Did I do a good enough job translating this''#''Am I ruining someone's entire perception of a conversation or character because I left one word out or mistranslated something?''#And like I said that's normally not a HUGE concern since if I'm not certain about a translation I just won't post a clip. but you know#idk it might just be the anxiety talking but I really really don't want to spread bad info#Happy to hear other folks' perspective#I'm really grateful for people like Bell and Pix and others who translate clips and I always try to reblog those#but we don't have a ton of people posting clips & translating things on Tumblr since we're so English-centric#which is part of the reason WHY I like sharing clips of the non-English-speaking CCs#but at the same time I want to do an accurate job representing what they're saying#Maybe I'll just start posting things and give a TLDR context of what they're talking about but not a transcript#that way native-speakers can hop in and add translations if that's something they're comfortable doing#and if not then well. at least I'm not sharing something that isn't super accurate#idk I'm just thinking out loud a bit in the tags#But I'm open to hearing other people's thoughts on the matter#Anyways giant rant aside. q!Pac is NOT doing ok rn
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antisemitic trekkies have a staggering amount of gall
#im talking about the fact that spock and data are the two most popular characters in all of star trek#every ''fave trek character'' poll we all know where its going#antisemetic trekkies don't DESERVE leonard and brent's jewish splendour upon their screens#also leonard added a lot of jewish-ness into spock and vulcan culture in general it's INTRINISTIC it's a TAPESTRY#and im barely scraping the surface too#theres also bajorans being an obvious stand in for jewish people#theres the three most prominent ferengi characters being played by jewish actors and the Certain Flavour this adds#there are the acting choices made for dr. soong. and the acting/last name choices for dr. zimmerman#theres the overarching theme of overcoming past suffering and living on endless hope#and like. lots of other details#on a metatextual level removing judaism from star trek is like removing flour from a cake after its cooked#you can't do it bitch#i'm not jewish i just have a great deal of respect for the faith and the culture#(plus i've always been a little media sponge so many a jewish actor or writer and so on)
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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ILY FP 219 (or, The One That Went to the Top of My Favorites List)
Hehehe is that an enticing enough, non-spoiler preview for you? lol I want so badly to tell everyone WHY they should be sure to FP this episode, but I donāt want to ruin it for anyone. Not that I think knowing whatļæ½ļæ½ļæ½s in there will ruin it, but I think the impact of going into it without knowing is just SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL. Itās BEAUTIFUL okay? Thatās why you should read it - itās beautiful!Ā
Idk where to begin with this one!!!! Over 24 hours later, sorting out my emotions is still difficult because I just keep wanting to climb the walls and start shrieking lmao AAAAHHHHHHHH!Ā
Those of us who are patrons of quimcheeās got a little teaser for this episode - the first part was SUPPOSED to post with 218, and quimchee said that 213-219 are all supposed to be parts of one much, MUCH bigger episode, so you know, if you want to read them all together, there you go! But anyway, even getting a little teaser of it last week, this episode was still full of so much new, and even what we got to see still hit just as strong. UGH. LISTEN.Ā
When the music hit me and I realized what it was? As we kept scrolling and Shinae furtively snuck back in? I CRIED okay lmao I CRIED. How long has it been since Nol last celebrated his birthday? When was the last time someone made him feel special on this day? Because he sure hasnāt allowed himself to. He hasnāt spent a birthday with friends - I mean, hell, this is the first time heās even HAD friends who mean anything - and after everything theyāve gone through, everything he put them through, to see them show up just meant SO MUCH to me. I had no doubts that Dieter and Soushi would come through for Nol, but I didnāt think weād get to see it so soon, either. I was so concerned that thereād been no time for them to talk at the party, that Soushiās first indication that Nol was even there at all was seeing him fall into a glass table! Finding him bleeding out in the snow.Ā
How harrowing it must have been for them - at least Shinae has gotten to talk to him a little, has a little more insight into who he is, why he did what he did. Iām sure, in time, Dieter and Soushi will come up to speed, whether through Shinae or Nol himself, but even now, even with them NOT knowing or understanding, I think it makes it even more special that they showed up. Nol has been there when they needed him, whether they wanted it or not. He always had their backs, had a way of making them feel like they were special, like they matter. And now they all got to do the same for him, to return that favor. As readers, we know that Nol began those relationships with no real intentions, never intending those friendships to become real, but they did, both ways. There was something about Soushiās commentary that really did me in - about how he doesnāt have bullies coming around anymore and even if he did, heās got a buddy whose got his back ;~; How he went from wanting to take help from no one to coming around to the weirdly insistent boy.Ā
I love, LOVE, LOVE how all of their gifts related to the beginnings of their relationships. Again, itās something about how it began on false pretenses, but how it became real and came to mean something to all of them that just really gets to me! I donāt know how to articulate it, the feeling of these people who desperately needed someone, being able to be that to Nol, that even though heās tried to push them away, to run away, even though they have no explanation for his behavior, they still are there for him when he desperately needs it. I kept waffling for a long time on whether I thought Nol was intending to ghost everyone after prison, going back and forth even as he and Shinae talked in Minhyukās room.Ā āIs he telling her this because he doesnāt plan to stick around?ā But especially after all of these hospital scenes, I feel pretty confident thatās not his plan. Just like Soushi and Shinae never really intended to accept Nolās friendship and thought they were fine on their own, I think Nol may be having that moment for himself.
Or, rather, I think heās at a crossroads and is at war with himself. On the one hand, he doesnāt believe he deserves any of this. The way he talks about his birthday is so SAD; Shinae is right, people donāt talk like that! Was it a difficult pregnancy that Nessa had with Nol? Did his birth cause her harm? Is it just the circumstances he feels guilty for? Maybe he believes sheād be okay if sheād never conceived him? Maybe itās because of his relation to the Hiraharas? He talks about people stepping on the burger - that definitely feels like itās about the Hirahraras, taking his existence and making him feel insignificant and wrong, like he shouldnāt exist. But itās the way he talks about the mistreatment of the cow sent to the slaughterhouse. It sounds like thatās about his mom - which could be the most heās ever said about her. If his birthday is the burger, then the cow that became the burger would be her, right? I still have so many questions, ngl. Nol clearly has a complicated relationship with the memory of his mother - we know his childhood, before they left home, were his happiest memories, but at the same time, he canāt speak of the happy memories, or really, her at all. I donāt think the guilt is simply that he exists, and thereās more to it, whether itās misconstrued on his behalf or just more puzzle pieces weāre missing.Ā
At any rate, Nol carries a heavy weight of guilt and has denied himself any joy or happiness, has never allowed himself to ENJOY things, lest they go awry. Probably like with his mom, and like with Shinae, a connection with him seems to end in danger. Of course, thatās not true - people end up in danger because of their own choices, and the choices of those around them - but again, we are talking about the way Nol views himself and the world. I think this is a big thing, too, because Iāve been thinking a lot about identity and perception lately, but Iāll try to get to that in a moment.Ā
For so long, Nol has been content with his self-inflicted punishment, but then he accidentally made real friends along the way. His quest to help people went off track. And for a while, he tried to fix that. He pulled away, he stopped responding, he tried to completely and cleanly cut them off, he drew the line and let them know. But here they still stand after it all, and he canāt help but appreciate that. The way my stupid heart flipped when he hugged Dieter and Soushi and told him he loved him. That feels like the most genuine expression weāve seen on him in a long time - and for him to be so forthright with them, to even use that word at all! This is what makes me feel certain he doesnāt intend to ghost them. Why would he tell them that if he planned to leave? Why would he accept and embrace their friendship if he didnāt want it? And thatās the thing, isnāt it? His internal war is his wants vs what he thinks he deserves. Itās the fear that he brings harm to people, but that DESPERATE LONGING for that closeness.Ā
Throughout ILY weāve seen so many times Nol wanted to reach out and denied himself the opportunity, for whatever reason. Countless times heās reached out to Shinae only to close his hand into a fist and restrain himself. All that loneliness is haunting. I think itās around the time they went to the arcade that Nol knew these relationships were real, and it was the arrival of Yui that reminded him he canāt do this, he canāt let his guard down, he canāt indulge his desires like this. To have that taste for friendship, for what it feels like to just let go, to be around people who donāt spend all their time trying to tear you apart, to be around people who CHOOSE your company, who CHOOSE to be with you? And then to retreat? He tasted something so sweet but had to give it up.
And now, after everything heās done, they still show up for him, they still sat by and watched over him, they still came to CELEBRATE him? How can he continue to deny himself this? How can he close his fist and walk away from it?Ā
But, and my god I realize this is a very verbose point lmao, the point Iām getting at is, in the same way that Soushi and Shinae refused his friendship, in the same way that they thought they were better off on their own, I think Nol is at that same crossroad - is he better off alone? How bad is it, if he indulges just a little?Ā
I hope he thinks long and hard about what Shinae said very early in the evening, too. Whether or not he believes he puts people in danger, itās not his call to make. Friendship is a two-way road and they, also, deserve to make their choice, to choose him despite the danger. It wasnāt Nol that put Shinae in danger. Maybe in a convoluted way you could say so - sheād never have called on Kousuke for that favor he owed her for getting Nol to the hospital the night of the masquerade - but regardless, Yui acts on her own. I realize this is not easy for Nol to see, because of what a deep-seated belief this is, but I hope itās something heāll consider more and more.Ā
Thereās so much I could write about the birthday party ALONE. How wonderful it was to see them all together again after all this time, the sweet callbacks to their beginnings demonstrating how far theyāve come, how much they mean to each other. Nol is SO loved, and I hope he learns to wear that love as a much needed suit of armor. What does it matter that his family is trash, when this, his found family, makes up for it in so many ways? What does it matter that some people chose to make him feel insignificant, when he has people who choose to celebrate him, and the fact that heās in their lives? ;~; That little happy smile and blush he wears when Shinae pointedly tells him they want to spend this night making him feel special ;~; It fucks me up lmao like lakjfkjafkjaf IāM GETTING WEEPY WRITING THIS ALL OVER AGAIN LMAOĀ
NOL DESERVES TO BE CELEBRATED. HE DESERVES TO FEEL SPECIAL. He came into their lives and individually made them all better. Thereās an argument to be made that it was Kousukeās financing that made Soushiās life better, but we know that HE chooses Nol. That his companionship with Nol makes his life better. If not for Nol, where would they even be? He deserves to be celebrated because heās brought so much good into other lives! And he deserves a return of that, too. All the good he tried to put into the world to counter the guilt he wears, all the good he denied himself and thus brought to others. GOD. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;~; I LOVE THEM, I LOVE THIS GANG I hope in the future we get to see more of them, now that we know how close their bond is, how much they mean to each other ;~;Ā
DIETERāS ORIGAMI DUCKIES AND THE LITTLE BIRTHDAY MESSAGES! THE CALLBACK TO NOL AND THEIR MORNING RUNS AND THE STILLNESS OF THE WATER AND THE DUCKIES ;~; Apologizing that these arenāt the best presents, that thereās no cake, but arenāt they? Isnāt this the best? Thereās something about people spending their time and energy to create something for you that REALLY gets to me. Every time a friend hand-makes something for me, I just cry and cry lmao. Maybe origami duckies and happy birtday on a cake isnāt a lot of effort - but the point is that they TRIED. That at the last minute, they came up with something to try to return the kind of friend heās been to them. They ARE the perfect gifts. What else could he possibly need more than to know that he is important to them and means so much?Ā
AND THAT WAY HE LOOKS OVER AT SHINAE, THE WAY SHE QUICKLY LOOKS AWAY, THE FLUSTERING, THE LITTLE BUTTERFLIES WE FEEL ON HER BEHALF!!!!! AUGH.Ā
I find it so cute and funny that Shinae was too shy to give Nol her gift at the same time, feeling that it paled in comparison to Dieterās duckies, but personally, I think itās right on par. Just like their messages, Shinaeās gift harkens back to the earliest days of her friendship with Nol, the orange soda she spilled on him, the fear heās allergic to oranges lol, what she drew on his face the day following at that deli lolĀ āYou donāt suck that muchā All the way back in episode 4, she told himĀ āYouāre a human first. And humans suck.ā WHAT A CALLBACK!!!!!!!! Idk like, to me here gift was so on par, but also, itās something that conveys a sense of feelings and being who she is, I donāt blame her for feeling a little shy about it.
ESPECIALLY COS MY GOD THEREāS SO MUCH SHYNESS IN THIS EPISODE MY GOD!!!!!!!!Ā
Itās been long established that I am here for the soft shit, the tender shit, for little stolen moments laced with intimacy, stolen little moments of calm in an otherwise turbulent storm. ITāS MY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! Dieter and Soushi on the spare bed in the room, while Shinae lays her head again on Nolās bed, the both of them refusing to sleep. Shinae probably fears that heāll disappear if she sleeps, that heāll slip through her fingers; Nol probably worries that when he wakes this will be over, the calm, the good feelings. Thereās something so TENDER about them trying to delay the inevitable, to stretch the last remining time. And, again, with Dieter and Soushi sleeping (god I hope Dieter is sleeping), everything that follows just feels again like a little stolen moment, just like every other moment they share together.Ā
The shift in Nol and Shinaeās relationship dynamic is practically palpable. How many times has she gotten flustered over his gaze this night? How many times has she been unable to hold that gaze?! Iām a sucker for this! Thereās likely a number of reasons that have brought this reaction out of it. It reminds me a lot of episodes 117 and 118 with the nugget crushing hand holding and the shared music moment - how Shinae marveled over her hands afterward, how she had to go lmao hold Minhyukās hand to feel it out. That, and the little flashback snippet of Nol doing her make up at the formal seem to be the times that Shinae has been most affected by Nol, and I think in a lot of ways they resonate with the version of him she knows now. But thatās the other thing. She knows more than Dieter and Soushi do and through that, sheās aware of that significance and I think itās absolutely affected her. Theyāve been so incredibly vulnerable with each other all evening - Shinae being so uncharacteristic and saying so many heartfelt, sentimental things in effort to reach Nol, sharing her story about middle school, the reveal about Alyssa, the little things heās let slip about his family dynamic. Shinae is already seeing him in a new light, and so much of it is just raw and sheās yet to have a moment to really sit down and take in everything. But also, the GLANCES, his INTENSE expressions.Ā
I was talking to someone on reddit about this but the thing is - this isnāt Shinaeās first meeting with Nol like this. In so many of their shared moments, this is the person heās been, letting down his goofy mask, talking seriously with her. The break in at her apartment, the phone call after his family dinner, the scene at the wac, the breakdown on the hospital terrace, the time he gave her his extra taco. Though not as raw as this Nol, the edges softened and blurred more than he is now, sheās come face to face with this iteration of him. Itās the intensity that is so new. And lmao that intensity is what makes him so alike Rand, who made Shinae quiver LMAOOOOOO itās so funny that this is finally catching up to her, that their appearance is finally frazzling her. But I think itās a culmination of all of this. Thereās an awareness at the tip of her tongue that sheās yet to voice, yet to confront, but sheās certainly acting on it. The stolen glances, the flustered glances away, the way she is so WHOLLY affected.Ā
Itās only just earlier this week, as far as the timeline goes, that Shiane realized HOW important Nol is to her, HOW scared she is of losing him, how much he means to her. Dieter used the l-word! Itās not a casual friendship. And his significance to her seems to dance along the border between platonic and romance - you can be significant to someone without it being romantic, you can be a person someone doesnāt want to lose without it being romantic. But SHE has to find that significance, she has to figure that out. All this shyness and flustering - is it the newness of this side of Nol, of all this vulnerability shared between them, or is it something more in the ways they bring comfort to each other, the ways they seem to stabilize each othersā world. I donāt think weāve seen it demonstrated as strongly as we have with Nol, how Shinaeās presence and can center Nol and root him in the present, but I think weāve seen a few instances of Nol being the same for her.Ā
This is one of those things about love and romance and friendship that fascinates me. At what point IS it romance? At what point does that friendship turn intoĀ āI want more of this I need more of thisā? You can receive comfort from so many people, so at what point does it become something romantic?
And I think thatās what Shinae and Nol are toeing. Nol, certainly, is becoming more aware of that affect she has on him, the way she roots him to the present, the way she brings him much needed peace. Does Shinae realize yet the way she seeks him out? Does she realize how much peace sheās also gotten from him?Ā
And it seems so mutual, the way Nol gives in and indulges in the peace, the way he initiates these little moments of physicality. And it could absolutely be nothing, it could absolutely be just a casual touch amongst friends, except itās them, and sheās flustered and looking away, and the butterflies seem to dance off the page. Itās the way he looks from her gift, loaded with what began their friendship what brought them into each otherās lives, and looks over at her trying to drown out his reaction, too embarrassed (TOO SHY!!!!!!) to see, that eyeless frame (QUIMCHEE DOES THIS SO MUCH! SO OFTEN! WHEN SHIELDING NOLāS FEELINGS!!!!!!) when he reaches over with his fingers in her hair.
HE DIDNāT HAVE TO DO THAT. HE COULD JUST TAP HER SHOULDER. HE COULD JUST SCOOT NEARER. BUT HE DOESNāT. ITāS HIS FINGERS IN HER HAIR, NEAR THE SCAR THAT PUT HER INTO DEFENSE MODE except sheās not, and heās there, and she canāt look directly at him and he moves in close and itās so INTIMATE itās so TENDER itās like the earbuds sharing moment except somehow even MORE because now sheās aware, NOW the fluttering is there, the stolen glances, the close proximity, the way he relaxes when heās close to her, the way he is being so much MORE than heās been before.Ā
His tapping finger and that coy, flirty, finger dancing?! The way she glances away as her finger dances towards him, on some level aware of what it means what it is a little too shy too coy, he way he hesitantly joins in and itās something so SILLY so GOOFY such a light, light moment and GOD itās beautifully done? You can FEEL the flirtiness of it, you can FEEL the little butterflies, the shyness and hesitation. The way Nolās smile fades and he becomes serious before his finger hooks around hers, the way she thinks heās playing until she, too, realizes, heās not UGH. /UGH/ I SCREAM!!!!!!! How is it that a single finger hooked around another makes me scale the walls like this?! Itās such a small thing, but itās so BOLD, initiating a dance even though he must be in pain! His back?! His body?! Heās not even on morphine ;~; Heās just. ENDURING IT.Ā
And idk, I never know whatās going through his mind. The dance she offered him that they never got to share. Something more significant than fingers dancing, something that means MORE.Ā
And again, thatās the thing. I think heās so at war with himself. Heās still calling her Yoo, but heās touching and so close and initiating that dance and he can tell himself it doesnāt mean anything, but he already knows. He already figured that out last episode. Soon heāll be gone and heāll be away from the people he loves, all alone again, and heās scared to go. He still canāt bring himself to use her name, he canāt be so familiar with her - and yet is this not a more familiar way of being? I feel like part of is is that feeling of how fleeting this moment is, wanting to capture as much of it as possible, finally acting on what he wants. All those times heās reached out only to close his fist, and this time he isnāt hesitating, this time he isnāt denying himself. This is what he wants, so he goes for it.Ā
Will he regret it? I hope heās far enough beyond his point of no return that he canāt. I hope heās acting out of clarity that if this is the case, if this is how he feels, then why shouldnāt he allow himself this. Perhaps thereās fear that when he comes back it will all be different, that this will be a fleeting dream and everyone will move on without him. It feels like the cusp of a dream and reality, where you allow yourself to indulge because soon you return to the real world, to the waking nightmare of reality and this will be all you have left to carry with you.Ā
It feels even more likely when he crumbles when she mentions when he returns. Perhaps it could be that he DOES intend to never come back after he releases, but idk, I guess Iām just so hopeful thatās not the case? It could be a parallel to the hug in the rain, when she asked if any of it was real and he hugged her because it wasnāt until it was and he couldnāt bear to say so. But it also feels so much like heās afraid. The way he buries his head in her shoulder, his face hidden so she canāt see his emotions, their hands still held at their side feels so much like heās afraid and doesnāt want to say so, wants to put on a brave face but he canāt.Ā āWhen he returnsā because for a time he will be away and he just had the sweetest taste of calm and when he wakes up from this dream the waking nightmare resumes, heāll again be all alone and itās so much harder to go back to alone when youāve had a taste for this, when youāve indulged. How can he go back to before, how can he face this new stage alone?Ā
Itās such a sad little scene, the way theyāre standing together, another dance interrupted, but at the same time, thereās something sweet. Very bittersweet, I guess. Maybe itās just because heās too weary and hasnāt had it in him to put up the walls again, but to see him, yet again, seeking that comfort in her, allowing himself something he once would have denied himself. Allowing himself to feel his feelings and to comfort himself.Ā
Thereās just so much that is beautiful and painful about this episode. For this to be the first time heās felt peaceful and calm and he nearly died in order to have this moment? The knowing that he will have to leave, that heāll have to return to feeling small and insignificant, that he has to face a new fear when he goes to prison, when this little suspended moment in time is all over. While I personally think - or hope - weāll get to see a positive transformation from Nol while heās locked up, thanks to the counseling heāll be going through, itās still hard to watch him have to leave this. I donāt want to romanticize his sentence by any means lol but I do think being away from his family, away from the people who chip away at him and tear him down, can give him so peace to confront what he hasnāt been able to. I donāt think it will be a total transformation of any kind - just the necessary first steps. Nol needs to be away from the Hiraharas, and to learn to see the worth in himself.Ā
I mentioned this earlier in this post, but Iāve been thinking a LOT about perception of self, and how others see us. For instance, the version of me that I intimately know, that exists to me, doesnāt necessarily exist to others. Likewise, there are people who will see me in very different ways than I see myself, and itās not that they donāt know me well, itās just that we all are different people to everyone we know. Weāre multifaceted and shaped by our experiences, but also by our actions and how weāve affected the people with whom we interact.Ā
Nol sees himself as a villain, as a monster, as someone who needs to be punished. But thatās not the version of him that Shinae knows, or Dieter or Soushi, either. To them, heās a hero, heās someone who does good. Shinae described him as the sun and while I think thatās partly because of his bright smile and bubbly personality as Yeonggi, I think itās also in the way that he can make things a little better for everyone. Nol has never been able to see himself the way others see him, though, because heās so pre-occupied with the version of himself he knows, the one thatās been so heavily influenced by the Hiraharas. That heās a mistake, that he shouldnāt exist, that everything would be better without him. And because he canāt see those versions of himself, he canāt see that itās not true. Shinae certainly wouldnāt be better off without him, nor would Soushi or Dieter. BECAUSE heās in their lives, they are better off. And thatās what he needs to learn to see, to reconcile with the version of him that exists. Because sure, thatās part of him. Maybe itās not correct, but itās a part of his identity. But so is the version of him that exists to his friends. So is the version of him that Nana loves. And obviously, itās not so easy to wake up to those sides, because of how overwhelming this version of him is. But I hope that time away from the people who feed into that image, with some counseling might help him start to clear that away and better see himself for who he is, all the multitudes that he is.Ā
Because hereās the thing - people contain a range of good and bad, thatās what makes us human. Our choices ultimately define that, but so do our circumstances. This is why I can offer empathy towards characters like Kousuke and Alyssa who have made choices that we wouldnāt consider right, but make sense for their circumstances. Nol contains so much darkness, but he also contains so much light. Maybe heās not as radiant as Yeonggi - but maybe itās only because he hasnāt had the chance to be. Who could he be with a break from the people who tear him apart? Who could he be away from their influence? Thatās what Iām keen to see, and thatās why I think heās not intending to leave everyone after prison - or at least not GHOST people. Maybe he does need to get physically away, go to college abroad, but that doesnāt mean heād be abandoning his friends this time.Ā
Nolās real family sucks. But this family - his found family - they can bring him the joy and happiness he deserves, even before he thinks he deserves it. Again, maybe Iām just being really hopeful, but I just feel like this is a significant, defining moment for him, hopefully the beginning of him realizing heās allowed to indulge, heās allowed the same comfort heās offered to others.Ā
Gosh what a tangent lol I know this post would be a mess. I JUST. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. I have sooooooo many disorganized feelings seeing Nol like this, how sad I feel how happy I feel how much my stupid heart pitter patters over his interactions with Shinae. The callback to the dance at the formal where she was so uncomfortable (BUT NOW! NOW! SHEāS NOT!!!!!!) the teasing about her dancing, and he WILL miss her. HEāLL MISS HER! UGH /GOD/Ā
But boy do I hope Dieter is fast asleep lmao ;~; I donāt think Shinae or Nol are ready to face what is unfolding, but Dieter reads them so well, heās aware of things before they are. He knows what he is, for lack of better wordĀ ācompetingā against, and I think maybe he even knows itās a losing battle. He made his move and she turned him down and I think heās accepted her friendship with grace and delight - getting to know her better, getting to grow closer to her than he ever thought. And god, isnāt it painful to watch her and know that she seems to be drawn somewhere else, that itās nothing you can do anything about? Because Dieter loves Nol, too. He probably understands how someone would be drawn to him at all! And while I think Dieter is a character who would handle things with grace, it would still hurt. I donāt think Shinae and Nol are a thing that, if they ever happen, would do so any time soon, and by that time I like to think Dieter would be over Shinae in that way, that theyād be close friends still, that theyād be people who root for each other and want the best for each other. But for him to have that awareness NOW, ugh the pain. Heās already taken note of the way she is with Nol vs how she is with him, the way she was so overwrought when they found out about all the secrets and lies, when they found her crying in the rain.Ā
I DONāT WANT HIM TO GO THROUGH THAT DAMNIT ;A;Ā
But we are definitely at this point where itās a little too obvious to deny, a little too obvious to look away from. Any attempt at earning Shinaeās affection feels like youāre competing with something else. Even if sheās not ready to face it and admit it yet, it doesnāt mean that it doesnāt exist. Whether or not itās romantic or not is for her to decide, but for us as readers, we know that itās something significant, that they have a mutual effect on each other thatās undeniable. There is so much trust shared between them now - despite it all, she trusts him, and he knows now that he can trust and rely on her, too. And as an outsider, itās just obvious that something is there, however that something is defined. Itās not a stretch to say that Nol takes a priority, that she will at this point push things aside for him.Ā
Even romance aside, I think this is a dynamic weāll be seeing a lot of going forward, because Nol still is not fast to open up to people and to rely on them. Trusting Shinae like this, letting her in to this more vulnerable side, I think defines a lot of their relationship to come as they evolve. Maybe Nol will leave and go abroad and maybe Shinae will date other people in that time, but I think weāll see that Nol maintains a special place in her heart, that will be difficult for a lot of people to compare to. How do you compare to someone who has these experiences with her, who has developed a bond through these trials and tribulations lol?Ā
GOD.Ā
I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I JUST. WANNA!!!!!!!! SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Ā
#I Love Yoo#ILY Brainrot#ILY Spoilers#ILY FP#Shinae Yoo#Nol#Nolan Oliver T. Lochain#Stalkyoo#Aegi#gotta.... keep other things from the tags for now so i don't SPOIL huhuhhu#i'll try to remember to add them in a month LMAO#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#/AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA/#FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#Idk if this post is too rambly or if it's coherent or what#it's like 4 a.m. and i've been rambling on this for like 2 hours trying to get it all out and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#pls pls PLS feel free to respond in the comments since i've marked this for spoilers lol I JUST. WANNA YELL#and also i'm v curious to hear other peoples' thoughts on certain things in here i wanna know if you agree with my expectations/hopes#I feel like i'll be expanding on some thoughts in here at another time but also for now I'VE JUST TRIED TO WORD VOMIT EVERYTHING OUT#so many soft and tender feelings#a little sad a little wistful a little bittersweet#but mostly just so much hope#what a truly truly beautiful episode#definitely read it with the sound on because the music just punctuates PERFECTLY the tone is just SO RIGHT because of it#;~;#now i'm gonna go cry again LMAO#ILY Commentary
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I had such big ambitions about this comic being all coloured and shaded and fancy but now that I've coloured exactly one page I am rethinking that shading thing
#Charlie Stuff#I just hate shading so much I'm sorry#I don't know how light works or where it is#If I just add glow where stuff is glowing is that fine?#I feel like that might be fine#I usually only scribble on certain colours so this is baby steps out of my habits#I'm trying to do backgrounds and everything okay I deserve to be lazy on this part#Also the context of me torturing Killer will be done tomorrow maybe?#We'll see how distracted I am by animal crossing and nintendogs but hopefully tomorrow!
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