#If I was still on meds
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I was so real for this
#It's so crazy.. I've been unmedicated for 6 months#And the fury and despair I feel every single day has pushed me to do things I never would have done before#Like in a positive way#Don't get me wrong Im always like 5 seconds away from snapping#Which is not good#But also I don't think I would have set the goals Ive set since#If I was still on meds#Bc my meds didn't stop me from feeling despair they just stopped me from being angry enough to do anything about it
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i love it when characters are codependent. i love it when losing someone feels like losing a limb. i love it when two people "complete" each other so wholly and terribly that one can barely function without the other. i love it when the fear of losing the only person who understands them is so all-consuming they'll destroy anything to stay together, including themselves.
#gray.txt#im really normal about moirails#i need to start writing again LOL#ive done 3 entire fics in the last decade but also im on adhd meds so maybe thatll help#still need 2 overcome my debilitating perfectionism tho. it's a work in progress
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oh. I think my fears about Chiefcake passing from old age were more on point than I realized. she's acting very weak right now.
and it's late on a friday, when all the rabbit-specific vets have closed. I'll call around anyway to see if at home euthanasia is an option tonight.
#I didn't expect it to be this soon#she's been sleeping more and urinating outside of the litter box#so I was planning on getting her on arthritis meds to see if those helped her move around better#but tonight......I know how animals act when they're dying.#something has gone wrong inside her#god these things always happen at night when the vets have closed 💀#all I can do is stay with her and try to make her as comfortable as possible#this sucks#at least she still feels good enough to eat the apple slice I'm offering and tooth-purr while being stroked
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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I am
• worried
• depressed
• uncomfortable
• upset
• afraid
• uneasy
it does not feel good.
I'm going to drink some water, take a nap, and deal with these things later
#I'm still waiting to hear back if I got my apartment#I just broke my glasses#I ran out of my meds and it might take a while to get more#I have so many people I need to message back#I fucked up and missed my therapy appointment yesterday#I'm with both of my parents for the holidays and I'm not out as she/her#I just feel gross
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Period Cramps Bones that I drew to cope w just experiencing one of the worst instances of it in my life
#she’s still getting me#actually as I’m typing this I think my meds have hit#I can finally go back to bed#my art#bones mccoy#leonard mccoy#dr mccoy#star trek
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Healer Knows Best
Agatha Harkness x Reader
Healer AU - Chapter 1/3
Summary: you have a problem you can’t ignore anymore. The local healer, Agatha Harkness, is more than happy to help.
Tags: naive reader, virgin reader, first time, fingering, medical play, good girl, R is horny and doesn't have the words for it, no pronouns used for R, R is told it doesn’t counts as sex but does says yes to Agatha’s fingers so dubious consent, manipulation, corruption kink
masterlist | ao3
Authors note: dark grey Agatha my beloved
You knock on the healer’s door and wring your hands nervously as you wait for her to answer. Half of you hopes she isn’t home and the other hopes she is. Your problem is embarrassing but you know if she isn’t here now you won’t find the courage to return. Which means the feeling will only get worse.
She opens the door and you struggle to bury the relief and anxiety. Her beauty is startling and you curse your affliction for noticing. Her hair is braided back out of her face, a few strands escaping. The sunlight brings out the detail in her blue eyes.
“Healing or ingredients?” she asks.
You force yourself to look at the ground instead of staring.
“Healing please,” you say, forcing some strength into your voice.
“Very well,” she opens the door wider. “What seems to be the problem?” she asks as she leads you inside the small cottage.
It’s every surface is crowded with materials and ingredients and tools. You look around nervously. This is the first time you’ve been to see the healer by yourself. You haven’t even been inside before. She doesn’t offer you a seat. She stops in front of the bench that has the most space on it, a mortar and pestle front and centre.
“It’s…um a bit embarrassing,” you say.
“Now, now, dear, I’ve been doing this for decades. There’s nothing I haven’t heard. Or seen,” she adds with a wink.
Something flutters in your stomach and it only makes the feeling worse.
“It’s about,” you hesitate and then gesture vaguely to your lower stomach.
“Is something wrong with your monthly? Pain worse than usual?” She begins to move items around on the table.
You cross your arms around yourself. You knew you’d have to explain it for her to be able to help but that doesn’t mean you were able to make yourself prepare for it.
“It’s not that,” you say. “But it’s-it’s the same thing.”
The word is too vulgar. She turns back around.
“Thing? If it’s not your monthly then how can it be the same thing?”
“I mean,” you fluster, “It’s the same area.”
“You mean your cunt?” she asks bluntly. You gape at her. “This is a medical environment. Use the proper terms.” You continue to gape at her but she doesn’t seem phased. “What’s happening to your cunt?”
You gather yourself as best as you can.
“It-“
“My cunt,” she cuts you off. You look at her, lost. “Say it. I told you to use the proper terms. Say my cunt,” she makes a continue gesture.
“M-my cunt,” you force out and the smile she gives you in return warms you and makes that feeling grow, “feels…,” you hadn’t thought this far ahead, “weird.” You settle on.
“Weird how?” Her eyes trail down your form. “Itchy. Hot. Tingling. Wet?”
She steps closer with every word. You swallow harshly and look anywhere but at her.
“Um, tingling. And the last one,” you say quickly.
“Is there a colour to this wetness?” She asks, close enough to accidentally brush against.
You shake your head.
“I see,” she says and her eyebrows furrow a little.
“You see?” your ask worriedly at her expression. “You see what?”
“It’s probably nothing,” she tries to wave you off.
It doesn’t feel like nothing. It feels like you’re going to go crazy.
“But if it isn’t nothing, then what would it be?” your hands twist anxiously in the skirt of your dress.
“I can’t be sure yet. Hop up,” she taps the empty batch. You hesitate before lifting yourself to sit on the edge. “Now, this can be a little awkward but I need to be sure.”
“What can be awkward?” you ask as she steps closer.
She taps the inside of your knees and you open them without really thinking. She steps between them and you stare up at her with wide eyes. She’s close. Close enough that she’s the only thing you can see.
Her hand grasps the bottom of your dress and you stare up at her with wide eyes. She doesn’t look away as she lifts the skirt of your dress to your hips.
“What are you doing?” you ask, sounding breathless.
“I need to check for myself. There’s no point upsetting you if it’s nothing.”
“You’re going to…?” you can’t bring yourself to say it.
“I’m going to touch your cunt. Yes.”
You swallow harshly, your mouth suddenly dry. You don’t stop her when she pushes your legs further apart or when she begins to pull down your underwear. You try not to squirm. She’s a healer. Like she said, she’s seen everything. There’s nothing to be embarrassed or nervous about. It’s still hard not to be when she finally looks at you there.
“There’s no visual indications, which is a good sign, but I won’t be able to know until I touch,” two fingers stop inches from where you’re dripping and she looks up at you, “May I?”
There’s a look on her face you don’t have the name for you. You nod and her fingers gently run through your soaking folds. You gasp at the unfamiliar feeling. You look up at the ceiling when you realise it feels good. You don’t want the healer to see it on your face.
Her fingers run lower and your hips twitch as they run over that special spot you’re not meant to touch. She does it again with a bit more pressure and your hand flies to your mouth to stifle the embarrassing noise trying to escape it.
“Good,” she murmurs quietly to herself.
You think it’s over until she runs her finger higher and touches that thing. That sensitive something that you’ve only ever brushed. You can’t help gasping at the tingle it sparks. Agatha’s eyes lock onto you.
“Did that hurt?” she asks.
“No,” your voice cracks. “But it felt weird.”
“What about this?” Her finger circles and you cling to the table. “How does this feel?”
“I don’t-I don’t know. I-“
She presses down on that spot and the jolt it sends through you makes you close your legs. Her hips stop you. She sighs and pulls her hand away. You aren’t sure if you’re meant to be so upset about it.
“Did that make the feeling stronger?”
“Yes,” you manage to say.
“It’s not as bad as I thought.”
“It’s not?” you ask hopefully.
“No pain crosses out a couple options. The treatment will be easier that way.”
You relax for the first time. An easy treatment means the thing happening to you will be over soon.
“Do I take something or is it a paste?” you ask, hoping you brought enough money.
“Have you ever been with someone, dear?” she asks, ignoring your question.
“Yes.” Of course you have, you aren’t a hermit. You have friends and there’s always those yearly family gatherings. You aren’t sure how a person can go through life without being with someone else. Wouldn’t you die as a baby?
Agatha raises an eyebrow and studies your expression. You shift uncomfortably.
“Let me put it a different way,” she says and her hands land on your thighs. “Have you ever been fucked?”
“I-excuse me?” you stutter.
“It’s a simple question, dear. One I need answered as your healer.”
“I’m not married,” you say.
“So? That doesn’t mean you’ve never snuck off with another girl and let her fool around under your skirts.”
You’re so embarrassed that you feel like you’re going to die.
“Only your spouse is allowed to touch you under there,” you murmur. “And healers,” you quickly add on.
The look she gives you is almost amused.
“So that’s a no?” she asks and you nod your head. “I didn’t think so,” she says.
You watch, confused, as she moves to the other side of the room and picks up a small purple jar. She returns to her spot between your thighs, you didn’t even think to close them. She takes off the lid and tilts the jar towards you.
You peer in curiously at the jar. The gel inside of it is clear and you can’t smell anything.
“You’ll need to apply this twice a day,” she says. When she doesn’t say where or how much you ask. “In your cunt, dear.”
“In?”
“It can be a little uncomfortable for someone who hasn’t been touched there before,” she says sympathetically.
She hands you the jar and you stare down at it with wide eyes.
“How far in?” Is the first thing you can think of.
She snorts a little and you look up at her.
“All the way, dear.”
“How-how deep-“
She grasps your shaking hands.
“How about I administer the first dose?”
Your stomach twists. The feeling that’s been haunting you grows.
“Yes, please,” you don’t want to do it wrong.
You watch, almost entranced, as she takes the jar and dips two fingers into the liquid. She swirls them around for a few moments before scooping some out. She runs her fingers over you the spot you aren’t allowed to touch and you gasp at the cool feeling. One finger gently circles your entrance.
“I’ll go easy on you,” she murmurs.
She begins to slowly push one finger inside of you and you cling desperately to the table. The feeling is new and strange and you feel a slight stretching sensation. You look up from the strange, exciting image of a finger entering you to find Agatha focused solely on your face, analysing your every reaction. Embarrassment runs through you but can’t bring yourself to look away. Your breathing is heavy and it’s hard to think about anything other than her.
She pulls out before she’s all the way inside of you and you whimper at the sudden empty feeling. You’re surprised at how heavily you’re breathing and how desperately you want her back inside of you.
“You’re tighter than I thought,” Agatha says, her voice now has a rougher edge to it. “I’m going to need to use more fingers to properly coat your insides.”
“More?” your voice cracks and you try to hide how eager you are.
“It’ll feel the same as before,” she reassures as her fingers return to your entrance. “Just a bit tighter.”
She doesn’t give you time to question, she pushes two wet fingers inside of you. She’s just as slow as the first time and you fight yourself to keep still as every inch makes that feeling inside of you grow.
“It’s making it worse,” you gasp.
You thought the mixture was meant to stop this feeling inside of your cunt.
“Take it,” she says warningly and you whimper. “This won’t work if we can’t get it deep enough and you need to be wide open for me to do that.”
You don’t fight as she pushes deeper. You cling to her shoulders and try to open your legs wider, hoping that will help with the stretch. You whimper when she gets to her second knuckle and you can feel the shiver that runs through her at the sound.
“Good girl, almost there,” she says.
The name makes the tingling spread and you desperately hope she calls you it again.
Her fingers stop and you look down. They’re fully inside of you. It makes the feeling grow more and you have to focus on staying still to not embarrass yourself further.
“Is that it?” you ask, a slight whimper to your words.
“Not quite,” Agatha says, she’s got a smile on her face you haven’t seen before but it quickly transforms back into her professional mask. “We have to make sure it’s spread evenly.”
“How-”
She pulls her fingers half-way out before pushing back into you. A noise you’ve never made before escapes you. There’s a look on her face that you don’t have time to question as she does it again. And again and again. You try to count how many times she moves in and out of you to distract yourself from the wave of pleasure growing and growing inside of you. It doesn’t work. All you can concentrate on is the feeling of her fingers. How good it feels every time she thrusts back into you. How much you don’t want her to stop.
“I’m not deep enough,” she says and your confusion comes out in a whimper. It feels like she is. It feels like she’s reached the deepest part of you. “I’ll have to use another finger.”
“I-I can’t take that much,” you say with a slight whine.
Two fingers feel good, they feel so good but the idea of her adding another scares you. Two barely fit. Yet the memory of how the stretch turned into spine-tingling pleasure has you willing to take anything she gives you.
“You will,” she says and slips in her third finger without anymore warning.
Your cry quickly turns to a moan as the feeling inside of you intensifies. Agatha makes a small sound when she looks down at her hand. She slows down and your hips buck in protest. You’d be embarrassed if you weren’t feeling overwhelmingly good.
She curls her fingers and that feeling triples.
“Something’s happening,” you say in a high pitched voice.
“Let it,” Agatha says, the reassurance from before gone as she concentrates solely on her fingers. She curls them again and hits something deep inside of you. You throw your head back and moan as that feeling snaps and your body floods with pleasure. It pulses inside of you in a never ending loop.
Agatha slows down but doesn’t stop until your exhausted body tilts forward and leans against her.
She gently pulls out and you make a protesting noise. The feeling of being so empty upsetting after being full for the first time. She chuckles quietly and wipes off her wet fingers on your thigh.
She quietly lets you get your strength back. Hands firmly holding you but not caressing. Your breathing is steadier when you pull back but it hitches at the look on her face. Her pupils are blown and she almost seems to be drinking you in with her eyes.
“Good,” she says and steps back. You feel a little lost. Agatha wipes her hand on a clean rag before picking up the jar again. “Repeat every two days. Let’s say, six times.”
You nod mutely and take the jar. You don’t get up. You don’t think your legs can hold you just yet.
“What happened at the end…” you trail off hoping Agatha will fill in the rest. She doesn’t. “Was I-was it supposed to?”
Agatha huffs a laugh.
“Yes, dear,” she says, “You needed to for the mixture to take effect properly.”
“Oh,” the tight hold embarrassment has loosens. Then anxiety takes hold. “Does that mean I need to do that?”
“Yes,” Agatha says with a secret smile.
You swallow nervously.
“Like how you did it?”
“There are a few other ways but I don’t think you’re ready for that.”
You nod and fiddle nervously with the jar as you try to imagine pushing your own fingers inside of you. The idea isn’t unpleasant. You’re more worried about someone discovering you. Will they believe that a healer has told you to? How are you meant to prove otherwise if they don’t? Drag them down to Agatha? If they really believe you’re breaking such a rule they won’t give you time to do so.
Agatha must see the look on your face.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine. Lock the door, pull up your dress. It shouldn’t take too long with how sensitive you are,” she says and you fluster at her crassness. “Don’t be afraid to come back if you need some help with applying the mixture.”
You nod meekly and take the jar.
“I will.”
Chapter Two
#birdsong writes#I do think this is some of my weaker work but hopefully you still enjoy#agatha all along#agatha h.#agatha harkness x reader#agatha harkness x you#agatha x reader#agatha x you#agatha fanfic#agatha harkness fanfic#smut#gender neutral reader#female reader#healer au#agatha harkness#agatha harkness fanfiction#dub/con cw#med/play cw
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I love Arson he's my favorite heater but I should really get a cheap laptop one day so I can leave the house to write because the Noise. Is . Too Much. I need to go write in the forest
#I live in a very very full and busy house hold#and sometimes it makes it extremely difficult to work#both on art stuff and packaging#but also writing especially#i have horrible executive dysfunction but on good days ill still try and get thwarted by multiple inturruptions and loud sounds#and on bad days ill just completely shut down from it all#adhd meds and headphones cannot fix Other People In My Space lmao#sara shush#personal#complaining#Unfortunately if i ask to be left alone or for quieter volume i will get neither of those even if i lock my door#I legit have a sign on my door that lets people know when im live streaming and have asked not even volume control just to be left alone#and there will still be knocking on my door for questions like 'can you go get something from the store'#i need. people to understand that if i am busy esp if i am doing packages and stickers and stuff that i am WORKING#please treat it like im at a 9-5 office building somewhere act like i dont exist#you dont just walk into someones place of work and start venting/asking them of things while theyre at their job#'but you're at home' yes and im still working and i have communicated this several times#i did not mean to vent but GOD
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Took too much damage from all the back-to-back missions. 😵
#dragon age#dragon age the veilguard#DAtV#Emmrich volkarin#da manfred#my art#just wanted to doodle him hurt again oops I’m sorry#not really tho#still would’ve liked to have seen them go down like in inquisition#all those bruised and bloodied companion icons were fun#let the veilguard companions have the same#as a treat#jk jk but am I#pfft anyway rook needs to calm down and let Emmy rest#Manfred having to prep all the med kits and balms whenever they come back thru the eluvian
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Wait I’m just realizing how funny it is that springtrap/ William and all his variations see an unhappy child with brown hair, brown eyes and striped shirt and immediately goes … yes I must have him as my own like 🧍♂️
#im sorry I think its my meds kicking in I can’t stop laughing#oh gosh#okokok#LMAO ??? is bro ok is this how he copes#pix habla#fnaf#oh gosh alright I’m good now#into the pit#fnaf security breach#fnaf 4#it all comes down to crying child that’s sad but also girl he’s still around as a ghost just ? stop trying to replace him 😭#springtrap#William Afton#HAHHSHSHADBDNDR#this shouldn’t be this funny#ok im done now sayonara yall#I need to finish the game tbh just haven’t fell well enough TTwTT
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it is Sunday which means Vinny gets to sit alone, on the counter, in the dark, staring at the coffee maker. It is his activity.
#Taking new med to raise blood pressure and sweep away heart palpitations which was going great#Until I forgot to take it before bed and woke up at 3 am with symptoms back Swinging#My brain was still asleep but my body was in hell
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JIHYO-log "죠기요" in Hawaii
#dailytwice#fortwice#femaleidol#femaleidolsedit#userdahyun#vacantlook#twice#jihyo#twice*#jihyo*#gifs#*#are you taking ur meds or are we on a date type of vlog#i love seeing twice girls in comfy outfits so thank u jiji for this bday present on ur bday (and still mine in my country tehehe)
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Guys I realized you can’t compromise quality time on your core interests without compromising your own core self and fading away as a person . Did you know about this
#This is a realization you come to every day as a pre med btw#You’re j kinda like I don’t need to be a person for the next 3 months and then you’re like oh that’s so unhealthy actually#And the cycle repeats and then u reach acceptance in residency when the 80 hr work week hits 😍#Awk#I should probably stop sulking and take advantage of the freedom I have before med school#Like I’ll still make time for stuff then too but I know that’ll be a whole other level of time management
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Bleegeghh teh 11th💉🥫 ft. recent outfitz
#queue are lovely#sonaart#i feel awkward drawing myself as not a small dormouse😭😭😭#my two sides cutegirl and someidiot#happy one year to me today… it’s rlly cool to be able to say that#near 10yrs of my life it’s something I always wanted but never thought I’d ever get to do…im very lucky to be on it but at the same time it#rlly make u think about how unfair it is to have had waited so late in life to get the first bite of one’s own autonomy and personhood#it’s a very precious and confusing thing and im still finding out what it means to be someone#but compensation is my favorite singer gendered me correctly so like 🦀🦀🦀#also yes i still plan on answering everything I’ll be officially off hiatus this week (still haven’t drawn much i need to push myself to be#expected to again lol)#but i stopped my meds so i am in withdrawals so forgive me I am. so so so so so out of my mind HSHDHWHD
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this is a reminder to take your meds [:
unless it is not time for you to take your meds, then donot [:
#crab chatter#fnaf moon#fnaf dca#dca fandom#funko#im still sick#but i have a little attendant to remind me to take my meds#medication
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“Holmes had spent several days in bed, as was his habit from time to time,”
Sherlock Holmes once again being the most relatable mess we’ve seen for the past century.
#sherlock holmes#acd holmes#acd canon#acd sherlock#acd sherlock holmes#I mean I’ve never spent several days in bed#but I’m sure there are plenty of people on here who have#so this is for them!#but literally i DO have trouble staying in bed when I’m not sleeping#I just have trouble sitting still in general#I HAVE TO BE DOING SOMETHING AT ALL TIMES#on an unrelated note#I need to stock up on adhd meds
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