#Idk but I definitely don't see as much shit
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While yes, Viktor is confident too, but...
This man isn't shy? He's hyperventilating and nervous-tapping over the idea of giving a speech!
This man?
I guess Im not getting across like, the Vibe that I always see that bothers me? Viktor's got the social anxiety for sure, and it's VERY fair to assume that his condition makes him even more self conscious to be up in front of a crowd full of topsiders. He's pretty clear in episode 1 that he's aware of how topsiders see him and his cane use, and that's before his disability is even more visible.
But ALSO very few people ARE good on a stage in front of tons of people. And also there's a very specific connotation to "shy" that is beyond social anxiety.
Shyness to me, is its own flavor of social anxiety plus timidness. The actual definition is a bashful, timid nervousness. It has connotations of the wilting flower personality. Viktor, even when he's quiet around other people doesn't come across as nervous or timid in the slightest. His first introduction has him VERY confident and collected surrounded by enforcers and not taking Jayce being snappy and angry at him. As a kid there's more of an argument to be made because what awkward socially isolated kid isn't going to be shy. But at the same time he doesn't try to shrink away from Sky's attention, he still looks right back up at her, he just keeps on doing his own thing. Mostly he comes across as someone who does not know how to casually interact with people so he doesn't. He's got tunnels in his eyes lmao.
Viktor is complicated. Viktor is nuanced. It's why he's Ultimate Blorbo. He's withdrawn and awkward and not very good at interacting with people, but he's not timid about it. He is very self assured in himself.
But when I say fandom makes him shy it IS much more of the wilting flower timid woobie that I kept seeing in Season1 fics. There was SO MUCH of Viktor being the nervous soft spoken anxious thing who was just so happy Jayce was even giving him the time of day as if Viktor didn't sass Jayce about his notes right after he stopped the man from jumping lmaoooo
And idk not to be TOO OBVIOUS with my projecting but it's the part of Viktor I can relate to the most. I consider myself a quiet person who gets annoyed when people think that me being quiet = shy. I'm able to speak up well on zoom calls with colleagues and I also would rather drop dead than have to go up on a stage in front of a bunch of normal people who I know were expecting someone very different. I get nervous and shaky speaking up in front of a crowd of colleagues even! but afterwards I can go right up to people like "your presentation was insane tell me more right now." I am often quiet and uncomfortable in large social situations because I know that most people there are operating under a different wavelength than I am, I do not know what the right responses to things are, or I full on do not know how to not accidentally come across as a huge asshole and I don't want to be an asshole. And when I was younger I would have so many people come up and act like I was a little wallflower (bc oh boy can I also relate to being quiet while physically small meaning being constantly infantalized) who "didn't need to be so shy" and every time I was like "I'm not shy. I just don't feel any engagement with this conversation and I don't want to be a dick and tell you that, but if you gently tell me it's ok to talk one more time I'm gonna start biting."
(It got better as I got older bc I learned that if you're quiet but making active eye contact instead of staring off into other directions - not to avoid attention but because you're just thinking of other shit - people will stop labeling you as shy and instead say "intimidating" or "mysterious" which is also hilarious when what you're thinking about is "machine herald big naturals lmao" but it's better than being labeled "shy")
#arcane#Viktor arcane#viktor meta#hes a complicated guy!!#i maybe project onto him a lot and it makes my opinions bigger!!#he absolutely is repressed and is VERY GOOD probably at coming up with logical reasons for him to not be more forward#but there were so many fics where he was adverting his eyes and blushing and every time i wanted to bite stuff#it also may be that people are using shy to mean different things#when to me shy has a VERY specific connotation
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i really appreciate your kind words and willingness to listen! it's a really shitty situation and i don't want to distract from the main purpose of your blog, but i've seen too many people say Zionist when they really mean "Jew who is ultimately harmless but has opinions I don't like." Ultimately it's best to look at what a person actually has to say about what's happening, and not on what other people call them. Anyways, sending you lots of love from a very tired Jew <3
i just wanted to say i accidentally deleted my reply from your last ask while trying to delete something else because my eyes suck, but i appreciate you coming back again!
of course, and no honestly, it's a great time to talk about it, especially what with it being Hanukkah now. i just hate how this website wears its antisemitism on its sleeve. people will freak out the SECOND they see a Magen David and i'm so sick of it. like idk how to tell you that you kinda can't make any kind of jewish pride flag with a Magen David on it without it looking similar to the Israeli flag because of how simple the Israeli flag is. a Magen David over a queer flag does not instantly mean that person is saying they're Israeli/pro-Israel
people on here will just find every and any reason to proudly display their antisemitism and i absolutely fucking hate it. i hate how people on here water down or just straight up make up their own definitions of Jewish terms and then use things they don't understand as an opportunity to attack jews like it's so painfully obvious. i hate it so much. y'all deserve better
i just. really don't like that you can't even reblog a post on here that says "i love queer jews" without people suddenly being like SO YOU SUPPORT ISRAEL????????????? like. ok. people are just using this as an excuse to be antisemitic like how did you just forget that tons of other jewish people exist. like what we're just gonna pretend they don't exist now ... ? it's gross. i don't like this shit. i'm sorry you have to deal with it. you don't deserve it. and thank you for giving me a chance to learn, that's what i'm here for.
if you observe, i hope you have a wonderful Hanukkah, same goes to all of my other Jewish followers. you deserve love and kindness
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You cannot tell me that it's just coincidence that the two actors that used to get ignored are both non binary, Emma gets A LOT of love there's the occasional transphobic comment specially bc they have a very unique style that I honestly love, and people love to use fake criticism to hide their transphobia, but regardless there's always gonna be transphobes unfortunately it just sucks that they underplay Emma's talent bc of their bigotry. But the other actor that a lot of people forget is Emily Carey they are non binary she goes by she/they pronouns but that still doesn't change anything, and I see almost nothing towards her it's all Olivia.
So yeah its definitely not a coincidence that the ones that get little hate and used to get more attention were the cis women
#I'm so glad that Emma is finally getting the recognition they deserve idk what clicked but something did#I guess the fact that they went viral brought in a lot of fans as well and those are the ones that are also defending them#And maybe the transphobes decided to shut up a bit#Idk but I definitely don't see as much shit#Maybe I was on the wrong side of Twitter and all and now I'm actually on the right place#Hopefully Emily will be next and get some love too#house of the dragon#hotd#rhaenyra targaryen#emma d'arcy#alicent hightower#Emily Carey#olivia cooke#milly alcock
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here's the prick i was talking about^ i have so many thoughts and notes about him but they're mostly incomprehensible so when i organize maybe them i'll post them who knows
#art#oc#id in alt#um ummm#idk. if you have any questions as always feel free to ask#ANYWAYS. geez making him has been so fun i love this asshole so much i'm going to put him through the horrors#salute to you Kordian if you see this if you hadn't shown me stalker i probably wouldn't be running in circles about patches now#more notes. i actually have no idea how magic works in-universe i just thought it would be cool. he's not good at using it he sucks. he's#shocked himself so many times probably. will that stop him? no#he practiced fencing for a few years so he actually like. knows how the fight flows or whatever. i think he definitely picks out targets wh#don't get their bearings quite as well and dances around them and shit like that he just likes to be mean i guess#idk idk. also he joins the lovelies at one point. that's like. semi-canon. it's sorta like with triumphant and normal walenty to me. like#they both exist but the. so to speak. evil one kind of doesn't in a way if you get me. i mostly thought it would be a fun thing to think#about. and also patches would do that and then he'd freak out like what the fuck am i doing and leave#another random thing about his pronouns. well i mostly use he/him for him. that 'any' is more in a way that if you referred to patches as#she or they or it or anything else he wouldn't care#but he usually doesn't mention it and stuff
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Batb: Other Than Human - Themes stuff (& why I Called It That)
That's right folks, the self-indulgent "throwing any concept I like at the wall and haphazardly mixing together what sticks" au rewrite Thing has Actual Themes! That kind of happened accidentally but they are so real for that so let's get into it.
The Main Narratives Themes Trio of the story now all also embody expanded themes about being an "Other", when being a person is not enough to be properly considered human- more specifically of a neurodivergent/queer girlhood type flavor.
Summary is that it's called "Other Than Human" because the prominent theming is about being considered something other than human due to not fitting the mold of the 'norm'.
[This is a long one so details & specific character stuff are under the cut<3]
Amalure has the greatest departure from her original counterparts thematic placing, so we'll start with her. Amalure retains Gaston's social standing, reputation, etc. But it's of course not quite the same- because she is a woman, and she is not revered for being the picture of ideal womanhood/femininity. Instead, she excels in masculinity, but remains firm that she is and always will be a woman. So, to justify the desire & awe people have for her, they dehumanize her: She doesn't need to follow the Rules because she is outside of them. Amalure is not a person: she is a symbol, a figure, an object. A legend, a folksong, a modern myth. Her skills are not skills they are blessings, inherent, a mundane magic or supernatural. Despite having grown up in Villeneuve for her entire life, she is considered exotic, and is practically, if not actually, fetishized. And through all of this, the status quo and social order gets to be retained without question, and she gets to exist as the exception that proves the rule, rather than the Undesirable that she'd be marked as otherwise.
Amalure is fine with this, because this dehumanization is her status quo: She doesn't really view herself as a person either, she is defined by her relationship to other people, by who she is to them. Amalure has never been a person to anybody: Growing up she was never just a girl, never just Amalure: She was a girl with a mans brain, an embodiment of her fathers greatest achievements, an embodiment of her mothers worst mistakes, she is her fathers daughter or her mothers daughter, but not her own. (and she never both, it is either or, mother or father, never both, never parents.)
Princess Eve/The Beast is the other end of this, of operating through her dehumanization. Upon being cursed, she adheres to what societies have oft wanted to happen to their Undesirables: Hide away and never be seen by the public again. It is entirely self-inflicted, as most of her suffering truly is. She operates not through others dehumanizing view of her, but her dehumanizing view of herself and its warping of how she believes others view her. Because, well, the servants still view her as a person. I mean, they're still human- under the new object forms. And the separation of humanity that is easy to slip into on matters of royalty is awfully minimal as well; they watched her grow up, and she grew up among them.
The girl's bratty, spoiled, temperamental, and is a ball of horrid consequences of the shallow views and ideals learned from surrounding nobility. But she's also the girl that fell asleep listening to Cogsworth explain the many technicalities to managing servants; because she was stubborn in asserting her authority as the mistress of the castle, and thus she Must have say over its goings ons. But the majordomo's voice can be awfully soothing when he's not high-strung on anxiety, and it's hard to pay attention when you don't understand what's being discussed, so its all going in one ear and out the other. And She's Lumiere's 'Evie', who was so amused when Lumiere would draw on a little mustache when dancing the male roles so the princess could learn some duo dances, or because she didn't look very "waiter-like" (because Eve wasn't entirely sure what a maître d' did, but it seemed to have something to do with waiters), and who got annoyed every time the dance teacher/maître d' would warn her not to hurt her body in her pursuits, because it seemed so silly, why would anyone do that? And she's the girl who dragged Mrs. Potts to have tea with her, because she made the best tea and as princess she would have only the best; and if you're going to have tea you may as well have a tea party, and you can't really have a party of one, but two isn't much of a party either so she's going to drag Babette away from her duties too, since the maid was so elegant and thus would be perfect.
Honestly, the girl probably would've turned out fine if she was raised by just the servants. But they weren't the only forces in her life: she's a princess, so she's got to host and interact with important people and learn how to Be noble which isn't something any of the servants can teach her. And it is under the pressures and eyes of nobility, is in mixing and learning their social rules, that learns the lessons that will lead to her curse: That to be considered human and treated as such, one must look human. And to be such as a woman meant to look beautiful, like the ideal. As a woman, to be worthy is to be beautiful and vice versa. And even if she does not, she must have some way to serve men. Otherwise, she is nothing. Eve met these requirements well, and where she did not yet her authority as princess covered. So when a beggar woman is at her doorstep, the princess turns her away: because she is old, ugly, so long past her 'prime'- there is no worth to her anymore. There is no point caring for her future.
Helene stands as both the middle ground and inverse to the other two. She is an Other by virtue of her mind, she is Objectifiable by virtue of her beauty. She sits on the precipice between Undesirable and Desired, seeming nearly apathetic to where she lands despite popular encouragement to embrace or smother aspects of herself. Helene is quite sure she's a person like anyone else, thank you, and is frankly frustrated and a bit weirded out that others seem to have a hard time getting the memo- she doesn't like or want to assume the worst, though, so maybe she just missed another confusing untold social rule or something. I mean, the local triplets really do seem to be advising in good faith- they really do think of her as one of them to an extent (for reasons Helene is yet to know); they just don't understand her.
When Amalure pursues her, there's an unspoken aspect to the deal of marriage she proposes: Helene will get a secured place on the in of the community, a secure standing the promises people no longer questioning or trying to encourage her to no longer be herself. But Helene just isn't interested in Amalure like that, and she also sees what the real trade-off of that security is; that uncomfortable dehumanization that is exactly what Helene doesn't want to deal with anymore. If Amalure is fine living with it than she is free to do as she pleases, but the huntress doesn't seem to understand what Helene could possibly have a problem with- and it's not like they can discuss it, because it's unspoken, and you're not supposed to speak the unspoken things, because they're unspoken for a reason- even if you don't know what that reason is. Helene knows that rule, at least.
When Helene meets the Beast, she regards her as she does any other. It's plain as day that the Beast has a humanity to her, whether she's really "human" or not- she thinks and she feels, and that's enough for Helene.
Because Helene grew up raised by a single dad who she got most of her brain workings from, and he is a man of compassion and science. Off he'd send his beloved daughter to go and question and figure out the world for herself, to experiment and learn and become whatever she desires. Off to bed he'd send her to tell her fairy tales and have their lessons of love and compassion and humanity understood as she drifted off to sleep. Helene was never Odd with her father, never Other, in fact they were so easily two of a kind. It was so jarring, hearing people imply Tyndare less than sane; his logic paths were so easy to follow- but apparently his voice gruffs enough that others have a hard time understanding what he's saying sometimes, so that's where things seem to get lost in translation she guesses. People became jarring in other ways as she grew up too, because suddenly there seemed to be lots of social things she was supposed to know or be but didn't and wasn't, and it became very apparent very quickly that she was an Other among her village.
Overall: Eve & Helene get to go through these themes through the main plot, and post curse-breaking is when Eve gets to properly deal with the internalized issues and whatnot. Like she's learned beauty doesn't matter when it comes to love, and shouldn't decide whether or not someone should be cared about, and Helene loves her despite her having been beastly and despite her being a failure of a woman- (because she no longer fits the feminine ideal after the curse is broken, and frankly she never will again.) But she's still a Failure Of A Woman and Helene deserves Better Than That! So there's still work to do.
Amalure remains static on this aspect of the narrative until after the battle at the castle, where she does survive! .. barely. and it's later, in an argument with her mother that same night, bleeding out on the kitchen floor, when she asserts that she's her daughter too, not just her fathers. she has always been her daughter, always will be, she is the daughter of both of them, because that's not something that just switches or turns on and off- and it's an entire rant that I will not recite here, but the important part is the assertion that she is, always has been, always will be, the daughter of both her parents at once- that's the first little step for her arc of recognizing her own individual personhood and whatnot.
#Amalure's mother is a CHARACTER alright#she has a ref I need to make too...#fun fact Amalure falls asleep in her childhood bed that night being convinced the last thing she did was yell at her mom#and acutely aware that there is no comfort for her in this house.#Wire monkey mother frfr#anyways uh hi.#how obvious is it that the person making this is a she/it ND sapphic???#because Hi hello that is I#Yes Helene is VERY definitely Neurodivergent.#I can easily say she's autistic because the traits she displays are most commonly associated w/ it#but tbh I don't have autism and I didn't give her those traits with specifically autism in mind or research#so she's just.. generally Not Neurotypical.#project whatever you want onto her as you will#Fun fact the physique change Eve gets after being uncursed is me finding a justification for me basing part of her design on thinking that#Amalure seeing her and immediately having the Worst gender envy of her life since her dad died#while Eve is having like the worst body image issues of her life#would be kinda funny lowk#Also I might have a type but shhhhhhh#anywayss uhhh#gem stop yapping in ur tags#batb: other than human#ramblez brambles#doodlez#I just did some mild editing w/ the ref art cuz I'm too lazy to make new shit for this and I didn't want this to Just be a text post#Princess Eve#Helene#Amalure#sorry of any of this is rambly/hard to read I randomly woke up at like 2:30am#idk when I started writing this post but idr doing much of anything beforehand besides making the little banner thing#and it's... 6:13am now.
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aro culture is seeing some people joke about how in a show some girl looked like she would start making out with her brother because she was being extremely affectionate towards him after he (wait for this) almost died. and just. not finding it funny.
.
#an-absolute-nightmare#aro culture is#aro#aromantic#actually aro#actually aromantic#ask#mod axel#gen talk i literally think it's pretty gross and insensitive to joke about that in any context#much less in a situation where it's normal to be very upset/seek comfort#a coworker recently was like 'did you see [other coworker] a minute ago? she was here with her brother. they were like... idk really touchy#and it felt weird ngl lol' (in a lightly joking tone?)#and like... bro. she works so many hours that she had a breakdown and walked out last month#and i'm pretty sure they haven't seen each other in ages#shockingly some families have a healthy relationship with casual contact#and she definitely strikes me as someone from a family like that#don't be gross and speculate shit
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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I have to admit I'm still not very happy with the time jump/story shift as it pertains to Barry (the character). With one episode left I think I need to give up hope on ever getting a satisfying look into his childhood - learning about what happened to his family, the details of what Fuches meant when he referred to "raising [Barry] like a son," and specifically what must be incredibly complex and interesting stuff about his dad considering the somewhat contradictory facts that Barry a) has clear daddy issues and said he "never had a good male role model" and b) decided to name his son after his dad. You're telling me we set all that up and we're not actually going to expand on any of it? cool. cool
And I am just . . . not that interested in his motivations as a religious family man or whatever. There are so many aspects of this character I want to see explored, and I just don't care enough about this new stuff that was introduced for him. Like yeah, I understand the point of it - on the surface he's trying to protect his family but what he really wants is to protect the facade he's built for himself. I get it, I find it vaguely intriguing, and it makes sense for his character, but imo it's not AT ALL the most interesting thing they could be doing with him, and it's worse because it's most likely coming at the cost of not exploring the things I've wanted them to explore since season 1.
#barry hbo#barry berkman#barry spoilers#like GOD the jim moss torture shit was such a good opportunity!!#they could've gone into so much more interesting stuff than 'oh no i'll never see my son again'#i mean let me clarify that i don't think a parent's fear for their child is an inherently boring storyline!! definitely NOT what i'm saying#but i don't find it interesting for barry specifically as like. a mental torture/hallucination device#it's this new thing that's just barely been introduced and if we have?? a fucking mental torture scene??? aka an angst goldmine???#i would've much rather had an exploration of more deep-seated issues#instead of an aspect of the character that only exists post-timeskip#if that makes sense#idk i guess the tldr is it just felt like a wasted opportunity to delve into much juicier stuff#show me barry's goddamn father-related childhood trauma i have waited SO LONG#op
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i know nothing about biochemistry but i simply think it would be funny if i made a fake "medication fact sheet" for the digihrt comic
especially since i have lore regarding "HS Pharmaceuticals"
#musings#-apomon#this thought brought to you by the system dozing in the passenger seat on the way home from one of MANY doctor's appointments#resulting in a new medication and mooooore bloodwork (sobs)#actually i got home just in time to see the new elfhrt update and like idk where exactly they're going but#i'm so glad we seem to not be the only one thinking about how like#the pharmaceutical aspect could be worth looking into#(irl pharmaceutical industry shit is like. a fucking nightmare from my very surface level understanding)#i don't go much into the trial group in digihrt but not for lack of cooking#fr apo and i put way too much energy into the lore for digihrt#in the case of digihrt the meds are definitely a case of like#something that could be perceived as medication by people#therefore it is presented that way#but i think from a biochemical standpoint it isn't so much a substance as it is solid data and feelings#(aka the shit that makes d*gimon evolve)#that's why i picked the three things i did for digihrt#in the series this comes from a human partner but like#how do you convert that when you are taking a human body and turning it into a d*gimon?#i have the most lore about crest development tbh#-sky
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a super fun thing that my brain is really good at is hearing a random fact and remembering it forever. but only if it's bad :)
#the reason I'm thinking about that right now: I wish I had never read that having a crease on your earlobe means you're more likely to have#heart disease.#scared me so much that I read a whole paper about it#but it's been years now so I don't remember the details#just that that's a thing apparently#and guess what my brain does with that information? oh yeah of course I have to obsessively look at the ears of everyone now! does that#do anything helpful? nope! just makes me very very anxious :)#it's just like when I was a kid and I got nightmares about scurvy every time I didn't eat a potato for a week.#like. wow I could be so smart and everything if my brain wasn't constantly focused on random bullshit that is completely irrelevant 😭#also this thing specifically: I've always been weirdly fascinated by ears and this made that a million times worse and also very scary.#like ooh that's a nice ear :) oh no death exists and this person is going to die and#yeah it sucks.#specifically choosing not to mention any names in this context because my god this shit is on my mind all the time already I really don't#need to say it where anyone can see#it's embarrassing enough#though anyone who has looked at my blog in the past month already knows who I'm talking about.#like. I really shouldn't allow myself to like anyone over the age of like. idk 45.#it's so unbelievably exhausting.#but annnyway I'm totally normal and fine :)#oh yeah I also have creases on my earlobes lol so that definitely added to the scariness (and THEN my mother randomly mentioned recently#that EVERYONE on her side of the family had/has heart disease. bitch WHAT the fuck. anyway so yeah guess we know what's gonna kill me#haha isn't that fun :) )#ALSO the fact that my memory is very very bad means that I remember absolutely none of the details about shit like this. so it could very#well be completely irrelevant and harmless but i wouldn't remember that part.#and I think even if I found out more it wouldn't help. it's been an obsession for so long. I've never had one go away that I've had for#this long. so. guess I'm just fucked.#personal
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.... OK I really hope I can keep this dude ♥
#miranda talking shit#Like... I just want him around me... Yeah. First visit I thought it may be how I felt. Now I'm like lol yeah#8+ hour visit later... Not even that I just... Am being used for sx like we talk so much#We talked about past experiences and love and children etc. Like... I guess we just vibe. Or rather I feel like we do#We make each other laugh and he seem to want to touch me and want to tell me about things#He talked about metal (or we about music but I'm not a metal head so) and he played songs for me#He found my reactions to them funny. Some song did some guitar thing and I was like “woah!”#He laughed and after the song went into explaining what it was. How it was done and such#“i wonder what you think about this... Or... Well maybe you won't care. But I think you may find it interesting?”#Me already clawing at the phone: yes yes I'm interested show me!!!#I love having people show me things willingly. Like even if it's embarrassing or whatever like hey I am going to love it#He showed Warhammer figures he had painted and talked about that#I love hearing people info dump like omgggg hiiii tell me everything uwu#I took up the... Idea of being fwb and being like... Exclusive about it. And he was like “I mean... I haven't really been seeing anyone els#Mainly bc I don't want to and bc it's so... -makes eye contact with me-“ me: tiring?”-deep sigh-yes so tiring.... “#He shared a lot of personal things in general and one thing in detail he definitely didn't have to#I mean I casually say I got daddy issues but that's like... Yeah my dad never cared for me and my siblings that's just how it is ya know#Idk man. Been a while I... Felt so... At ease and.... Open so quick with anyone. I liked Linus quick but not in this way#I hope I get to keep him around me for more... Like he's.... I think we have things in common but we are definitely still different enough#Want to learn everything I can about him. Plus he let's me be... Overly affectionate and serviceing him like an doting mom (how I want to#Treat everyone in my life but I know majority don't accept it). I get to bring him a drink and help him get dressed to go outside#Men who just goes along with how I want to express affection and not hate it is great#I mean. I don't think he have been touched this... Affectionately before either. I'm very intense and like.... Yeah it's like I'm in love#With you. Sorry I'm stroking your face and looking into your eyes and all :/#He just smiles. Me with basically heart shaped eyes and he's like: :)#Some nerdy brunette: hi (: me: omg? Spend all your free time with me???
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i spend a bit of time on twitter for fandom stuff bc there are some really talented artists and writers but oh my god i have to limit my time on that app so much compared to tumblr bc one tiny thing will happen and suddenly there'll be the most despair-inducing discourse ever and i genuinely want to die
#honestly twitter definitely wants people to get angry bc angry people tweet more#this is mostly abt sttwt but ig it applies to other fandoms too#like one person will say one thing and suddenly everyone sees it on their timeline and everyone and their mother is talking about it#when it really isn't that deep#and also some people are just so rude?? like the ship wars are awful and people just make stuff up and say the most horrible shit#and it's so easy to find hate accounts like i'm not opposed to being a hater of things occasionally#but today i found an account called smth like 'why people hate st*ddies' (not censored)#and it was literally just someone screenshotting all the petty drama from one niche subset of the fandom#like i just don't understand how people can have fun on twitter if they use it like intended??#i have to turn on notifs for people i like and use the notifs as a dashboard bc the timeline will randomly show you the most rancid shit#plus i feel like twitter is actively trying to make it hard to see anything older than a day#i hate the way it's all about new new new and content content content oh my god shut up shut up shut up-#obv tumblr can have awful people too but i feel like it's so much easier to avoid stuff like that if you curate ur own experience#like on tumblr i can just block someone bc i don't wanna see their posts but on twitter blocking someone is a personal attack#and someone will write a thread about how you're a toxic bitch making the fandom worse and you hated them bc they drew b*lly h*rgrove once#and that means you're against discussing harmful topics in media and are pro censorship or smth idk#girl maybe i just don't like him and don't wanna see fanart of him ugh#i feel like maybe i'm really sensitive bc seeing people argue abt things really upsets me?? but idk i thought that was universal#but apparently people love being mad??#anyways uh. steve/eddie nation 4 eva yass#how to be cringe 101#i feel like i need a tag for my beef with twitter uuh#twitter hate#there
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"You don't look disabled/trans/bi/like a guy/sick/diabetic/mentally ill/neurodivergent/autistic/in pain"
*Fucking smacks you with my big paws*
#dorian speaks#for a lot of these it's just dealing with bigotry/blatant ignorance#and many people won't even listen to you if you try to explain#they'll just believe their own assumptions to be true#and as a result - they'll “suggest” things that are legitimately harmful/don't apply whatsoever#this has been particularly true for me being a T1 diabetic#and people not knowing how hugely different it is from T2 diabetes in most ways#like... T1 is something you couldn't HOPE to prevent if you tried and it can happen to literally anybody - it's AUTOIMMUNE#I don't have any known family history of ANY diabetes and I got it#people will assume I'm not “allowed” to take any spaces for the disabled#just because they don't see my disability (T1D... chronic joint pain... foot injury that won't heal due to circumstances... etc)#and people have specific beliefs of what LGBTQIA+ people “should look like” or whatever which is just... don't.#The “you don't look neurodivergent/autistic” shit is something a lot of people deal with#If you had seen me as a kid you'd definitely think I'm autistic (actually a lot of people did but only as a reason to bully me)#But like... do you expect me to act/behave/have the same experiences my ENTIRE life without ANY changes whatsoever?#You do realize people learn to cope/adapt to some stuff... right? The experiences will differ throughout life. Each person is different#Nobody bothered to diagnose me when I was still a kid and my country doesn't diagnose adults at all so... fun times being taken seriously#I won't “look” neurodivergent or even mentally ill because there's this little thing called MASKING#and I had to learn to do that to keep myself safe for much of my life (from judgement/abuse/etc)#which has brought its own challenges#People don't have to look/sound/behave/outwardly seem like they're something or dealing with something to be valid#Idk how to phrase any of this any better but I feel like a lot of this is stuff people have experienced to some extent
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I can't sleep :(
Rant in tags it's long
#i didnt want to but like i didnt really have a choice#i feel like an asshole in this situation even though Objectively i'm not#but it's because i'm 99% sure i burned bridges for bf too not just me#this would be an angry brother posting but. this isn't about how much i dislike the guy it's about how much i CARE#if your partner's brother was drunk as hell would you hide the key to his bike?#would you try to prevent his grandma from telling him she found it; knowing that she knows he's shitfaced?#knowing they'll give him the key and let him drive away?#knowing they'll forget that this is not the first time and won't be the last? that he crashes the bike at least once every 2 weeks#knowing that they're denying what drunk looks like due to past trauma with alcoholism (not the issue but relevant)#if your partner's brother was drunk; obtained the key; put it in the ignition threatening to drive somewhere ON A FUCKING BIKE#would you call the cops? because i did. i know acab and all but like.#do i just let him drive away and crash for possibly the double digit-th time? definitely can count it on two hands#do i let him drive away drunk and possibly never come back?#do i let that come to pass? i literally would never forgive myself. i dont even like the guy but i dont wish ill upon him#we tried so hard to prevent her from telling him. we really did. i know she was trying to calm him down but like. idk man#i feel fucked up and i dont know why#i wasn't trying to put him in jail i was trying to save his life. not that he would believe me or care#unfortunately for him his bike was against him. it is visually fucked up and battered and you can Tell it's been crashed multiple times#but what makes me the angriest is that his grandma and mom don't seem to fucking care? like AT ALL#they know he's drunk but they just care about not having conflict (as if that'll solve anything)#bf told him 'if you get on that bike im calling the cops' which is obvs met with 'do it pussy'#so i walked away and called them. he thought i was bluffing the whole time. i was not. they need to learn that shits not cool#everything is so fucking nuanced it's ridiculous. my hands were tied i genuinely didnt see any other way#if you read all this you are a trooper and i'm sorry you wasted your time on my drama but i needed to get this out and maybe i can sleep#its fucking 3:09am rip
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The problem is. That there ARE some characters that I just simply do not like. But then I see people disliking them for. Bad™ reasons (as in: the character is a woman and/or poc it's obvious that there's a misogynistic and/or racist component here, there's some unchecked ableism or unchecked fatphobia going on, or this person truly no-nuance believes that enjoying a character who does bad things means that you are a bad person, etc. etc.), and then I am put in the terrible and unfortunate position of having to defend. Said character(s).
#okay okay I don't HAVE to lmao#it's just the impulse is definitely there#I really REALLY try not to be a pretentious asshole but I do wish people could just. dislike things reasonably.#truly I feel like that would be a quality of life improvement for everyone#yeah yeah rich words from someone who went on an entire Spree™ about [redacted character] when he looked like he was#going to win a contest against a character I actually appreciate#but you didn't see me putting shit in the tag or telling random people how I thought they were terrible for liking him or. idk.#shitting on the actor or something.#that's another thing please be normal about actors they are literally just doing a job they are not actually these characters and#99.99999% of them do NOT have nearly as much (if any) creative control as you think they do
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Ive noticed something about canon nnoitra, so hes the only hollow with a hole in his head, right? Ive suspected that this symbolized a sort of mental illness when he was human
But then i noticed in his resurrection, he can summon spare scythes from inside his wrists...
❝ Nah, havin' yer hollow hole go through yer head ain't uncommon. ❞ He wasn't the only one. There were PLENTY of others. Like Loly or Lilynette. Or Shawlong. He didn't know what the hole in his head symbolized. He didn't like the thought of it having something to do with a "mental illness", but of course --- He did think it had something to do with the eternal amount of negative thoughts he had. The reason for him becoming a Hollow had to be because of DESPAIR. Why else would that be his aspect of death? The source of his powers? And the worst type of despair was the kind your mind could bring forth. Because there was no escape from that. Nothing you could do to battle it. So yeah - maybe his hollow hole had something to do with that. He wondered if that meant that all the other Hollow with holes through their heads had similar struggles to him. Nah. No way.
❝ 'N Where ELSE would I pull 'em from? 'S 'da most convenient joint on my exo-skeleton. ❞ The outer skeleton that Nnoitra received in his Resurrection, giving him that insect motif that his Zanpakuto carried. He didn't understand what summoning scythes from his wrists had to do with anything.
Unless - maybe - they thought it had something to do with suicide. Nnoitra had tried to kill himself in the past, thanks to Nelliel. But he'd never - Ever - thought about doing it like that. To slit his wrists like a coward and bleed out. He was not a coward. He was going to die standing on his own two feet. In battle. Drawing his final breath and knowing he'd been strong to the very end. If he killed himself like a coward, that would ruin everything.
He didn't often think about how he'd died as a human. It was so long ago - 1000 years, give or take - and his human life was as alien to him as anything. He sometimes didn't feel like he'd ever even been human. Since it was so distant, it didn't much matter to him how he'd died. He knew there hadn't been a Shinigami there to lead him to Soul Society. And that SOMETHING about his death had made his soul turn hollow. Maybe he'd died from suicide. It wasn't impossible.
#[ thank you for the ask anon! ]#[ there are so many theories about what the location of a hollow hole represents 8) ]#[ i mean the hole itself is supposed to represent the “missing heart” of a hollow ]#[ - not the actual physical heart but yeah - ]#[ BUT YEAH nnoitra definitely has depression ]#[ and he's always had it ]#[ so probably as a human as well ]#[ but for me it's too modern for him to slit his wrists ]#[ don't know how much history there is about suicide way back in the days ]#[ but i just don't imagine a brave man like nnoitra killing himself like that ]#[ so for me that's a pass ]#[ i think if him summoning weapons from his wrists means anything ]#[ it's more that he draws strength from despair - ]#[ so everyone ELSE'S suicides give him power ]#[ when a human dies of despair that is given as power to nnoitra - since his aspect of death is despair ]#[ it could also symbolize him battling his deathwish ]#[ HMM IDK but i just don't see him ending his life like that ]#[ but yeah thank you for sending!! it was interesting! ]#despair for me. ╱ in character.#talking shit. ╱ answers.#the praying mantis. ╱ canon verse.#suicide mention //
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