#ITS THIS WHOLE PROCESS.... IDK!!!! wish i could explain it any better but i am. so bad at writing down my thoughts. why cant i just beam -

[pineappical]

I always thought is very tricky to draw that wrinkle that goes from the nose and around the mouth and still male it look good, but gosh you nail it in every art, super expressive and pretty. Looking at all your drawings 🔍🕵‍♀️ to properly appreciate and study it. But wow really in love with your art style is so expressive and pleasing to look at, and the colors are so pretty 👌👌👌👌

i LOVEEE drawing wrinkles!!! it makes faces soso so expressive and i try to add wrinkles to every character i draw whenever i can. and the fact i also love drawing characters smiling (they make me happy, so i want to be able to share my joy to other people by drawing them smiling too!) which of course makes that wrinkle around the nose and mouth more prominent :-)

im not a person that can draw well from memory, i use references excessively even if it doesnt turn out the same way from the reference im copying from in the end 😊

i drew these out real quick but i have no clue how to explain any of these so i just thought about sharing it with you anyways!

call it "cheating" or whatever, but most of the time i even trace over the reference just to have a base i can copy the expression im trying to draw from. i do art for fun and if it makes my process that much easier then. well!

anyhoo, ignore the fact these are all mr lassos... i just love him a whole bunch 💛

[bright-eyed]

.

So I was freaking out the other night because i had like an awkward 30 minute conversation at the bar with my favorite old professor. She told me that i was a good writer, and asked me why i wasn’t writing. I was just like “idk, i’m watching youtube.” (I didn’t exactly say it like that, but basically.) Then she was like “why are you doing that?” and i didn’t know why.

I felt so overcome with guilt/shame/regret. But also i felt like a piece of shit because idk how i will ever be able to make myself change or overcome this fear of failure/ego death and do better with my life. It’s stopped me from trying for so much of what i want since i was like a little kid—and the thought of not being able to stop myself from giving up before i even start makes me viscerally hate myself… I feel immature and weak for finding it so difficult to do anything more than what I’m already doing. And I hate where I am! And i know i could do other things and be much happier.

But I also know I should probably give myself grace because for years I was working my way out of deep depression, and i did it on my own, and that was its own accomplishment even if it might mean I’m a little behind on accomplishing like ambitions or dreams. I guess? For so long i just had to be focused on not dying or blowing up my own life that i couldn’t focus on that, and i guess i’m still in the mindset of assuming it’s impossible to do more than get through the day, or at least im not practiced in that.

But i’m so phenomenally frustrated with myself that it makes me feel sick and trapped in my own body. The entire world is weighing down on me—all of the things I feel like i need to do and be, all at once, all the time. It feels like I am utterly unequipped to have dreams, so instead of me fulfilling my dreams, they haunt me instead

I guess part of me also resents that i never had any real support. When i was talking about how i only ever really applied to one college, and only did that because it had an easy and cheap application process, Professor asked me why my parents never pushed me to apply for more—she seems to be under the very mistaken impression that i could have gotten into a lot of colleges—and i just told her they just didn’t really involve themselves in my life very much, especially when i was a teenager. Until I said that I’d never even realized that it might be weird for your parents to not push you to apply for colleges, or even really know anything about your life or school experience or ambitions or anything. I just got so angry

And that feels like such a big thing that i’ve had this huge blind spot for this whole time, like why didn’t (and don’t) my parents care ? Where would i be if they had (or did)? Would i feel more empowered and confident enough to try new things, or was i just born weaker than most people? Will i ever know?

What if im not inherently this way but i still can’t undo the damage years of failing and being failed has done to me? Does it even matter if i’m not doomed by nature if i never manage to escape it anyway?

I started writing this post the other night and then ended up talking to my best friend on the phone for two hours which helped. But I'm going to need to transform this frustration with myself into action sooner rather than later because I can't keep living like this and I know on some level it would be so easy to. You know how the time will pass anyways.

Thinking about how much time ive already lost and how much time i might or might not have left to lose makes me feel already halfway dead. I know this resembles a grave but isn’t, but i might stay here long enough to make it one. I keep misstepping back into it. I keep crawling back in and pulling the lid back over to block out the light because I can’t bear it I feel like this is turning too poetic but i can’t explain how i feel in anything but images i guess. I just wish I could be different without having to do the work to change because I don’t trust myself to change. I wish I could be perfect because it’s the only way I feel like I’ll be okay. It’s dumb but idk that’s how I feel

[foilfreak]

Beauty and Her Beast: Chapter 7 (aka the ‘big boobie vampire mommy’ and ’mutant servant girl that is very horny for her’ chapter)

WARNING PLZ READ BEFORE CONTINUING: This fic is rated NSFW and contains graphic depictions of things some people may find disturbing or alarming, including, but not limited to: violence, gore, unhealthy family relationships, Oedipus complexes, gratuitous amount of pornographic literature, ableist language, physical, mental, and emotional abuse, etc. If you are someone who does not enjoy fiction with these elements in them, then I suggest you refrain from reading this, because this fic will have all that, and probably a lot more. So, this is your first and final warning to turn around and go somewhere else if stuff like this just isn't your vibe, because from this point forward, your emotional wellbeing is in your own hands, and I will not be accepting blame if you disregarded my warnings and ended up reading something you didn't like. Idk why I feel compelled to write one of these despite this being Resident Evil fanfic, but I figured I'd cover my ass just in case.

(AO3 link below:)

“Good evening, sir. Is there something I can assist you with, tonight? It’s quite late, and my mistress has already retired for the evening due to the strenuous nature of today’s events, so while I’m sure the good Lady Dimitrescu won’t be too terribly displeased if you’ve come with urgent news that requires her immediate attention, I’m afraid anything outside the realm of absolute importance will have to wait until morning, when my mistress will be better rested and therefore better able to address whatever concern you’ve brought” The low and smooth voice of an older teenage girl said, staring slightly downward at Salvatore with a level of such blank indifference that he would have wondered if the girl hadn’t seen him had she not outright greeted him upon opening the door.

With piercing red eyes, dark skin and long, black curls tied up neatly and carefully into two thick buns on either side of the top of her head, and dressed in a pretty, but still practical dress, the older teen looked every bit as much the role of a dignified estate’s head servant as she acted, right down to the pencil straight stiffness of her body. Despite how uncomfortable the stiff position looked to Salvatore, the subtly bold way she carried herself did give the older teen an air of confidence and reliability, however what it didn’t do was answer the multitude of questions flying around in Salvatore’s head about who she was, and more importantly, where she came from.

And then it hit him.

“Y-you’re… Alcina’s g-gift… aren’t y-you?” Salvatore asks aloud, though seemingly more to himself than the girl standing in front of him. Said girl furrows her brows in confusion for a moment before huffing in, what appeared to be, mild offense. Though what on earth Salvatore could have done to offend the young teen, he had absolutely no idea.

“I have no idea what you mean when talking about these so called “gifts”, however I think it's important for you to know that I am a very busy woman with a great many things to do, so if this is all some kind of sick game you’re playing to waste my time then I’m going to have to politely ask that you take your rotten whale behind and go throw yourself into the nearest body of-”

“Anastasia?” a low, feminine voice booms from somewhere behind the older teen standing before him. The girl immediately stiffens, her skin around her nose and cheeks darkening even further, her eyes growing wide and her breath catching in her throat as she turns around. Immediately abandoning Salvatore at the still open front door, the young servant clumsily made her way further into the room before disappearing out of the narrow view the hooded man had been given of the castle through the crack in the door.

Taking a step forward and opening the door enough to slip inside, making sure to close it securely behind him, Salvatore lingered along the walls of the room, merely observing the events before him unfold as the young girl, Anastasia, quickly moved to stand in the center of the circular design on the floor of the entrance hall. Waiting for her on the landing at the top of the stairs was none other than the lady of the house herself, Alcina Dimitrescu, standing as tall, proud, and intimidating as Salvatore last remembers, though it would appear that the disfigured man’s fear of the much larger woman was not shared amongst everyone in the room.

“Y-yes Lady Dimitrescu! Is there something I can do for you this evening, my Lady?” Anastasia asks, hands clasped together in front of her and eyes blown wide at the gargantuan woman leering from above, like a lovesick puppy dog waiting for a command from its beloved owner. Eager to perform. Eager to please.

“Why yes, my sweet, I was just wondering what on earth all that racket was and if it could wait until morning to be finished? The girls and I have had quite the taxing day and I do so wish to retire to the sound of peace and quiet” Alcina coos warmly, causing Salvatore to pause in confusion.

“Oh goodness, I apologize, mistress. It’s just that there was a visitor at the door and despite my repeated attempts to convince him to come back when you were rested, he insisted upon making a nuisance of himself. Please forgive me if my attempts to preserve your restful evening were for naught” the girl said sadly, bowing deeply in apology as she continued to speak.

Alcina practically purrs in delight at the teen’s polite, but genuine behavior. “Fear not, my dear, I had only just taken off my earrings when I heard the commotion. I came out here merely to see if things were getting out of control, but it would appear as though you’ve handled things perfectly.”

The girlish blush on Anastasia’s face only darkens in color as the young teen casts her adoring gaze to the floor, joyous glee from having been praised by her mistress evident all over the younger girl’s body.

Not wanting to stay here any longer than absolutely necessary, especially if this is what he’d have to witness the whole time, Salvatore gathers all of his strength and uses it to clear his throat and take a step forward, revealing himself to both women as he gingerly comes out into the light.

“YOU!” Anastasia yells, immediately turning on her heel and making a beeline toward the increasingly anxious Salvatore. “So not only have you made enough of a nuisance of yourself to disturb the lovely Lady Dimitrescu just as she’s about to retire and rest from a very long and taxing day, but now you’ve decided that you’re so above everyone else that you can just waltz right into someone else’s home without even the slightest hint of respect or admiration for the incredible woman living in it, how dare you be so crash and selfish you overcooked blowfish, exit this castle immediately, or I’ll shove my boot so far up your rear end you’ll be fishing around for it for weeks you-”

“Anastasia, calm yourself, dear” the loud, but calming sound of Alcina’s voice said, causing the young teen to pause in her angry scolding of Salvatore.

“My Lady?” The young teen asks, dutifully awaiting orders.

“Let the wretched man inside, he’s the furthest thing from a threat to us, even if he is an annoying little manthing. Although, I’d be lying if I said a visit from you at this hour of night is something I’ve come to expect of you, dearest elder brother.”

The disfigured man swallowed thickly as he stepped past Anastasia to fully face his other younger sister, who looked all the more intimidating from her looming perch upon the upper story.

“I-I know this is s-sudden…” Salvatore begins, hoping he’d at least be able to explain himself before Alcina tossed him back outside on his ass.

“I’ll certainly say” Anastasia bursts in angrily, but she’s quickly silenced and sent away to tend to her other duties by Alcina, who motions for Salvatore to ascend the large set of stairs leading up to the rest of the castle and join her on the landing for a moment.

“Spunky little thing, isn’t she?” Alcina says when Salvatore finally makes it to the top of the stairs, panting slightly as he follows the much taller mutant’s gaze to the door that Anastasia had just exited the room from.

“Th-that’s certainly… one way… o-of putting it” Salvatore stutters, not wanting to offend Alcina by calling her servant rude, but clearly not seeing what’s so great about someone who just yells at you a lot the second you walk through the door.

“Yes! She apparently received a strain of cadou that was quite similar to mine, however her need to consume blood to maintain herself is far more similar to that of leeches. Rather than having to consume it regularly in smaller doses, like myself, she’ll only require one feeding every few weeks or so, which I thought was quite interesting. The only issues Mother Miranda brought up was the fact that her hunger, if it gets bad enough, can trigger both her transformation, as well as some sort of feral and animalistic meltdown that only ends once she’s finally had her fill. Apparently more than a few villagers were lost in the process of learning this information” Alcina comments casually, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Mother only brought her over earlier today, just before dinner, and yet she’s already managed to carve quite the little space for herself here. I hadn’t realized how dirty this place was without any girls left to take from the village until she went through and washed all the walls in the west wing spotless. It was like night and day, I could hardly believe how open and bright the halls looked” Alcina stated.

“W-wow… so th-then… d-do you think y-you’ll keep her a-around… long term?” Salvatore asks curiously, craning his neck so he could get a better look at his sister’s face.

“Perhaps. I’m certainly thinking about it. Not only is she an incredibly hard and fast worker, but she’s also got such a lovely spark of energy and excitement to her, and she’s always very polite and respectful, if a bit obvious in her “admiration” of those she looks up to… not that that’s a bad thing, necessarily. It’s quite sweet, actually!”

“S-she did look… q-quite taken… by y-you” Salvatore comments, having noticed the girl’s far-too-eager-to-be-innocent disposition when Alcina was in the room, vs. when it was just him. Not that it was a terribly surprising turn of events. Alcina, for all her monstrous height and sheer mutant bulk, was still a very beautiful, and very desirable woman at the end of the day, meanwhile Salvatore was only about 2 rolls of the genetic dice away from sharing a more recent common ancestor with the blobfish than he did humans.

“I know, isn’t she adorable? She came exactly like this, too. Mother Miranda has no idea if this is a result of the mutation process or if it's merely her former personality finally returning now that she’s awake and out of containment, but I suppose the logistics of things aren’t really important in the end. I'm so glad I chose her over the other two, I don’t know what I would have done had such a promising and delectable little morsel like her go to waste on the rest of you imbeciles” Alcina coos in amusement. “Regardless of what Mother Miranda said however, I was almost certain this whole “gift” situation was going to be nothing more than a pile of useless drivel that I’d be left to clean up all on my own once the novelty wore off, however after having Anastasia here for these past few hours, and seeing all that she’s willing and capable of doing, I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps I’d been too hasty in my final decision.”

“Funny… K-Karl thought m-much the… th-the same thing i-initially… w-when I t-talked to him… th-the other day… th-though… knowing him… I doubt h-he’s having q-quite as much… of a ch-change of heart… as you a-are” Salvatore said suddenly, more than anything due to the incredible shock that was the concept of Alcina and Karl sharing a similar opinion, at the same time, while both occupying the same dimension of reality.

Alcina’s face immediately turns sour at the mention of Karl. “Oh, did he now? That’s an unfortunate thing to learn,” she says in annoyance, clearly displeased by the notion of agreeing with Karl on anything.

“Y-yes… he… he th-thinks that maybe… M-Mother might b-be using the g-gifts… to d-distract us w-while she’s g-gone away… o-on her mission… b-but that maybe… sh-she also wants… s-something else out of a-all this… something… th-that she isn’t t-telling us… f-for some reason” Salvatore explains, unsure if he should be revealing all this information to Alcina, notorious and open critic of Karl and quite literally everything the younger man has ever done and said, is doing and saying, and will do and say sometime in the span of his chaotic lifespan.

Contrary to what Salvatore assumed, however, instead of looking bored and uninterested in what Karl thought about this whole situation, Alcina looked just the slightest bit… intrigued, if still clearly wary. “Really? And what, pray tell, does our dear sweet little brother Heisenberg believe will come of this whole situation then? Did he say?”

“H-he… he never m-mentioned anything s-specific… but he th-thinks that the g-gifts… might p-play a l-larger role… in all th-this… than M-Mother has been l-leading us to believe.”

“I see,” Alcina says, remaining silent for a moment as she thinks, looking almost concerned by what she’s heard. “And what do you think of this whole mess, Salvatore?”

“U-um… well… I-I think it’s nice… th-that Mother trusts us e-enough… to g-give us her p-previous experiments… and u-use them however w-we want… b-but I’d be l-lying if I s-said… that I d-didn’t think Karl… was o-onto something… I-I don’t know w-what I believe to be t-true a-at the moment… but I d-do know… th-that I’d like t-to give… g-give a gift of m-my own… to Nadine… and that… and that y-you might be… s-someone else who c-could help me… w-with that” the hooded man explains nervously, hoping that Alcina was in a good enough mood to feel like humoring him and his sudden request.

“Nadine?” The tall, pale woman asks in confusion, before suddenly nodding in understanding. “Ah, your gift…”

Salvatore nods. “D-Donna… is f-fashioning a n-new dress… for her… a-and even gave me… this b-beautiful nightgown… to hold h-her over until… until the real one is c-complete. I th-think she w-will… e-enjoy the nightgown b-but… but I’d like to… l-like to get her something else t-too… like a… like a necklace… a-a gold one… o-one that w-would… c-complement her skin tone… j-just right.”

Alcina briefly stares at Salvatore with a blank expression, momentarily making the hooded man worry that he’d overstepped his boundaries and said something to offend the much larger woman. His nerves are thankfully calmed when Alcina turns and orders Salvatore to follow after her, which the disfigured man happily does if it means what he thinks it means.

The two siblings arrive at Alcina’s personal chambers just as Anastasia is exiting them, her arms filled by a large basket of blood soaked towels and clothes, some collected from Alcina’s room, the others likely from either Bela, Cassandra, or Daniela’s rooms.

“Good evening, Lady Dimitrescu! Are you finally retiring for the evening?” Anastasia asks, bowing cheerfully as she finally notices her mistress approaching her. “I’ve already gone ahead and prepared your bed for you, as well as collected all the soiled laundry from today’s harvest. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?”

“Thank you, my dear, but not quite, I have one more matter to attend to before I fully turn in. Since you were so kind to offer however, I would greatly appreciate it if, once Lord Moreau and I are finished with our affairs, you would be so kind as to escort him to the front door and bid him a good night, for me. You are free to retire to your own chambers for the evening once he’s left” Alcina orders softly, which the young girl obediently nods her head to.

“Of course, mistress, thank you very much! And I’d be happy to see Lord Moreau out for you, so please don’t hesitate to call me once you’re finished with your meeting” Anastasia says, bowing lowly to both Alcina and Salvatore before wordlessly skittering off to do… whatever it was she planned on doing to those dirty garments.

“Now, about that gift you were talking about” Alcina says upon entering her personal bedroom, immediately striding over to her vanity and beginning to sift through several boxes worth of jewelry, “you said you wanted gold, correct? And a necklace specifically?”

“Y-yes! I-if you have anything y-you’re willing to… g-give away… of course… I’d feel t-terrible taking something i-if it meant a g-great deal to you” Salvatore answers, standing awkwardly in the doorway as he waits for Alcina to return to him with whatever she finds.

Of all 3 of his siblings, Alcina was the one Salvatore was easily the least close to, despite having been the only two around for a considerable amount of time before the eventual arrivals of both Donna and then Karl. It wasn’t that Salvatore was displeased when Mother Miranda first informed him that he’d be getting a “sibling” all those years ago, but Alcina’s natural personality, coupled with her terrifying size and strength from the mutations, had made the very meek and timid Salvatore hesitant to reach out and form any kind of sibling bond with the younger woman, like he had with Karl.

Karl was a royal pain in the ass to deal with on even his best days, but at the end of it all, there’s still only so much a 6 year old can do to you, anger issues and mutant metal bending powers or not. Alcina was both a royal pain in the ass to deal with more often than not, but also a fully grown adult when she first joined the family, so needless to say the 2 oldest siblings hadn’t been given very many appropriately opportune moments to bond or get along.

That being said however, the simple but elegant golden locket that Alcina procures from one of her many boxes of jewelry has Salvatore wondering if maybe he had misjudged Alcina, having never expected her to show him something as luxurious and real-looking as this, especially when the understanding was that she’d be giving it away whatever item of jewelry Salvatore took a liking to.

“This is an old locket I received for my 3rd birthday from a relative who died long before I was old enough to care about who they were, though all those diamond star details on the front do make me think they could have been close with us at one point, or perhaps they just had that much money to throw around? It’s an old and well-loved piece of my collection, but Duke has been bringing back such wonderful treasures from his travels that I just have to start getting rid of some of these old sentimental trinkets so I can make room for all the new additions I plan on purchasing once he finally returns” Alcina explains, gingerly handing the necklace over to Salvatore, who could do nothing but gawk at how extravagant and, to be perfectly honest, expensive the necklace looked.

With 4 small diamonds, likely real knowing Alcina, embedded into the surface of the locket’s front cover, surrounded by small engravings that give the glimmering stones the appearance of stars in the night sky, the necklace looked like it belonged upon the neck of a fair and noble princess, into which the radiant beauty could then place the photo of the man who’d stollen her innocent heart. Nadine wasn’t actually a princess and Salvatore all but gagged at the idea of a picture of his face, mutated or not, being put somewhere for anyone to see, however the necklace was far too perfect for the hooded man to possibly turn it down.

“So what do you think? Will something like this do?” The taller woman asks, curiously. “I could continue looking if that isn’t quite what you’re after, however if that is the case, then I would like to politely request that you come back and look at them tomorrow. It's already so late and I’d have to have the rest of my collection fetched from the vault downstairs.”

“N-no no… th-that’s alright… this i-is perfect… thank y-you… Alcina… this w-was very k-kind of you to do… f-for me” Salvatore says, carefully tucking the glittering necklace into the bag Donna had placed the nightgown in.

“Don’t fret about it too much, I only did it because I had a bit of time to spare prior to going to bed, and you happened to catch me in a good mood. That’s it” Alcina states firmly, though something in the back of Salvatore’s head can’t help but take the taller woman’s words with a grain of salt, feeling as though there was more to Alcina’s sudden generosity than just pure coincidence. “Besides, who knows what gaudy thing you’d have shown up with had you not made the surprisingly wise decision to invoke Donna’s and my vastly superior knowledge of the feminine experience. I don’t even want to think of what tacky little trinket you’d have tried to gift her. Why the thought of that alone is enough to make me want to run for the hills, how on earth do you think your poor little gift would have felt? I’d have had to murder you on the spot if I found out you tried to pass some disgusting pile of garbage off as an appropriate gift. In fact, if I didn’t know that Donna was working on a more fitting dress for her already, I’d have half a mind to skin you alive for only having a flimsy nightgown to take back with you, but I doubt any of the dresses I have, that would be appropriate to wear with that kind of necklace anyways, would come close to fitting her, and I really do want to start making room for some newer, more exciting pieces. So, with all that in mind, count your blessings that the stars have aligned in your favor tonight, dear brother, because I won’t be doing this for you again… unless, you’d be willing to do me a few favors in exchange for some of the other pieces of my collection, that is.”

Aaaaaaaaaaand there’s the Alcina that Salvatore knows and secretly likes. In vehement denial that she feels anything positive for her 3 siblings and also actively trying to get someone else to do her dirty work for her. It's certainly not how the hooded man prefers to operate, but he supposes that if Alcina can somehow convince everyone around her to do all of her work for her, why wouldn’t she take advantage of that as much as possible?

“I-I think that’s e-enough… for t-tonight actually… maybe i-if I decide I’d l-like to get her s-something else… I’ll c-consider that offer y-you brought up” Salvatore says, bowing politely to his sister as he makes his desire to leave obvious.

Thankfully, Alcina seems more than happy to send her older brother on his way, calling Anastasia to come lead Salvatore back to the front door so he could finally begin making his way home.

“Th-thank you again… Alcina… I really a-appreciate this… an-and I'm sure Nadine w-will love the gift t-too” Salvatore says just as he’s about to bid Alcina goodnight and begin following the young servant girl.

“Yes, yes, you’re very grateful of my wondrous kindness to you, I know, you’ve made that fact more than clear already, brother” the taller woman says with an only mildly annoyed roll of her eyes as she stands just outside the door to her chambers. “Just make sure you don’t waste the opportunity my graciousness has afforded you, do you understand?”

Salvatore stiffens nervously as Alcina shoots him a pointed look that screams ‘don’t fuck this up or I’ll fuck you up’, a threat which the hooded man knows she’ll make good on, should Salvatore make it necessary for her to do so. Salvatore wasn’t sure how Alcina had picked up on the nature of his budding affections for Nadine so quickly, or how she seemed to instinctively know what he was planning despite having never asked directly, but clearly she’d noticed something and was now in the process of making the matter of whether Salvatore successfully courted his gift her business.

Heavens above have mercy upon whomever is unlucky enough to have their problematic situation noticed and meddled with by Alcina Dimitrescu.

“Y-yes… I u-understand… an-and I’ll be s-sure not to w-waste... waste the g-golden opportunity you’ve g-given me… OH! An-and Donna w-wants her mannequins b-back... too… sh-she wanted m-me to tell y-you” Salvatore replies, his anxiety only mildly calmed when Alcina makes a face at the mention of Donna’s yet-to-be-returned-still mannequins.

“Oh for goodness sakes, I always forgot about those stupid things. Anastasia?”

“Yes, Mistress?” The young servant dutifully answers.

“Please make a note to remind me to have Heisenberg come by so he can collect and return the manequins Donna leant me while I was commissioning some dresses from her earlier this month. That foul-mouthed mutt owes me a favor, and so if all goes the way I’d like I’ll be making this his problem in the morning” Alcina says devilishly, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Of course, Lady Dimitrescu, I’ll be sure to remind you of that first thing tomorrow morning” Anastasia replies warmly, though her amicable grin is quickly replaced by a flush and a girlish giggle when Alcina waves and turns on her heel, swaying her hips in an obvious fashion before bending down to enter through the door of her chambers.

Salvatore passed exceptionally confused glances back and forth between his sister and the young servant standing in front of him, totally clueless as to what just unfolded a moment ago as a feeling of disgust, the kind you get when you see something you wish you hadn’t, began to curl in the pit of his stomach. Whatever it was that was going on in the Dimitrescu house, and more importantly with their new servant girl, it was clearly none of Salvatore’s business. Not that he’d wanted it to be in the first place.

Salvatore had enough problems to deal with regarding his own gift, he didn’t have time to worry about whether or not Alcina was already making moves on hers.

“Have a safe journey home, and do make sure to stop by with Nadine if things turn out well between the two of you. Based on how today played out, it would seem as though things are about to get a lot more interesting around here… and a lot more fun too. Goodnight, Dear Brother” is all Alcina says before gently closing the door to her chambers, effectively ending their conversation without so much as a single word from Salvatore, not that he minded being handed the chance to finally get out of here, especially after… whatever the hell that exchange between Alcina and Anastasia was.

Best not to think too hard about it, probably, especially when there was another woman back at the reservoir who was much more deserving of Salvatore’s lustful and impure musings.

“Uuum… the front door is this way… Lord Moreau,” Anastasia says suddenly, her face still dark from embarrassment, though whether it was from her earlier treatment of him before she learned he was another Lord and not just some random man from the village, or from… that thing he just saw that he doesn’t feel like thinking about anymore, the hooded man couldn’t tell.

Nor did he particularly care to find out.

[mariaiscrafting]

ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

[horce-divorce]

good news!! my new gastro is FANTASTIC!!!!

i just got back from my appointment and like, first of all, i fucking love this guy, I wish he was my doctor for literally everything because he sat down, made eye contact, LISTENED to me, EXPLAINED EVERYTHING, not only the terms he was using but his own thought process and everything he'd be doing moving forward, drew diagrams?! and validated my concerns... right off the bat, he asked me what I thought it could be, and then actually took that into account (!!!!!). he sent me out of there feeling reassured AND with new information, making sure we were both on the same page first. like, wow. 11/10, the bar previously was on the floor, fucking incredible

ALSO?!?!?!? so this whole visit blew my mind for a few reasons and Ill come back to that... but a few months ago I started getting headaches after I eat, and I wandered down the thought process until I somehow got to, "what if blood flow to my stomach is restricted?" and I immediately shelved that bc 9/10 times if you go to the doctor with that level of advanced query they're suspicious of you. plus they're not gonna look at smth like that until other stuff is ruled out

so anyway the VERY first thing he did was ORDER A SCAN OF MY BLOOD VESSELS!?!?!?!? to make sure that my blood flow to my stomach is all good!!!!!????! he even said 'this isn't a common thing ppl usually think of but I just want to take a look.' I was so blown away by that, wow, i didnt even have to bring it up. like, thank you for my life.

ALSO ALSO, he concluded that everything I complained of was not only potentially consistent w my hernia, but ALSO with cortochondritis- arthritis of the ribs!!! I was SHAKEN when he said that bc like, you dont go to a gastro and expect to hear "oh stomach pain? it's your bones," but I HAVE HYPERMOBILE JOINTS, so as soon as he said that I was like "actually, that tracks. i'm hypermobile" and him and the nurse both shared a knowing look and went "ahh yep." lmfao like hello?!??? its all coming together!!!!

so yeah, I'm very pleased to be getting a look at my blood vessels (& rule out like, gall stones, just to be safe), he wants to do another endoscopy to make sure my hernia doesn't need surgery, and he wants me to address my GERD a little better bc that could also be causing increased/nerve pain in the stomach lining, whoops.

basically at the end of the visit he was like, i'm not gonna say XYZ but here's the information we already have, here's the information we're going to get, you take this knowledge and let it percolate until we can touch base again with the new info. bro 😭 literally every doctor visit should go this way, but the fact that I am so moved by this one (1) time where it did speaks volumes lol. he didn't even make me try any new pills?!?!?!? DO YOU KNOW HOW REFRESHING THAT IS???

he and I agree that we don't really know what's wrong because this COULD be being affected by multiple different things. could the joint pain, stomach issues, dysautonomia, etc. be explained by EDS? possibly (no I didnt bring that up yet, I just think I have a strong case & am building evidence on my own time). they COULD also be affected by numerous things; past OTC/alcohol/caffeine misuse, my hiatal hernia, anxiety, GERD, inflammation in my ribs, or some combination of all of them (hell, it could "just" be that my GERD is worse, causing pain & making my hernia "slip", which could then be getting pinched by my ribs/poor posture and further irritated; maybe if I get my reflux under control and watch my posture it'll stop. wishful thinking idk)

so yeah idk i walked out of there feeling extremely listened to and taken seriously so that's nice. im having much better luck w doctors in Michigan than I have anywhere else previously, my doctors in WI kinda sucked lol

[meandmyechoes]

The more I think about Dark Disciple, the more I find something odd.

[28th March 17:46]

I keep referring to it as a ‘favourable experience’, and there is no question the writing is what made me fall totally head over heels about quintress, but I also just, can’t?

I mean, yes. It’s very passionate, dramatic, scenes and gestures I can only dream of. But I also, don’t really see it in that ’omg they totally belong together here are my sixty headcanons of them’ sense?

I am very involved in the pairing, but also don’t really, actively ‘ship’ it — like the way it was an open book with Rhayme or Latts Razzi (since it’s the same author that indoctrinated me to Captain Rhayme). I could imagine them being happily ever after and silly shenanigans and slow-burn. But the concept of a quintress fairytale ending is so wild. I can only ask how much it is tainted with my personal view on relationships.

I know the plot leaves little room for “the future” and fed us well on all tropes possible. But, it just never occurred to me to put them in any other clichés or invent a missing scene.

Winding up, I don’t think their relationship is "weak", but it’s very motivated by circumstances and once you take that out of them, you are a little bit lost. For example even during the illicit affairs month, I… can’t really propose one date that does not seem tonally insensitive. (I can think of them being cloak dorks and Vos bringing her to ice-cream, that’s it, after a long hard moment) Really, all I possibly want is that sweet, sweet angst and canon is already there so I have no complaint.

It’s just… I don’t really get why it has to be the two of them that fall for each other. I understand why they did, and I believe it— Perhaps it’s much more a physical attraction thing that I don’t really have personal experience with.

I don’t know if quintress classify as slow-burn because 10 chapters still seem a little quick in the grand scheme of things. (aside: I’m quite disappointed Ventress wasn’t doing much in the last quarter of the book.) My point is, they do feel a little bit puppet to tropes, and while it’s deliciously written, there’s not much potential outside of canon. And that lack of inspiration makes me grimace a little.

[3rd April, 01:39]

I’ve scrolled through the dd tag and let the book sank a little. I am better articulated to talk about the sexist criticism now.

It’s a romance story, and when I judge it by that (lower) standard, it ticks the boxes. However, it might be a weakness as well, due to the projectability of the heroes. And yes, the whole assassination is dumb. Yet, tcw has been consistently this dumb at us. The last two times when she’s more rooted in the dark she failed, sent Savage and failed, so she’s gonna do it again with Vos… after she put down her desire for revenge. right. and surprise! Our “assassination” plan is to find Dooku and duel him directly. right…

I’ve read a review that says the romance takes away from the plot. However, the romance IS the plot. The book IS supposed to revolve around the two of them. I do agree them becoming begrudging allies then partners is a more unique approach, more rewarding as foils as well. but I guess a romance is easier for the conventional to process ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

With the “Ventress lose agency in falling for Vos”. Now, I can’t dictate how each of us buy into their physical attraction and chemistry (or lack thereof), and there’s no denial that a conscious human being is making that choice for the fictional character, I think the stance on this topic varied person to person from the above two factors, which are very different starting points.

I kept Katie Lucas’s foreword vividly in mind while reading. She said this is a story about people seizing chances to rebuild. That there’s always a choice. Cliché as it is, I believe ~the power of love~. I believe there exists someone you’re willing to sacrifice everything for, to overlook everything for, to forgive - to love them, warts and all. So, yes whether you think Ventress loses her agency to the romance, or if that’s a conscious choice on her behalf, is swayed heavily by how much you buy that they are the one.

[10th April, 10:30]

Yesterday I’ve been thinking a bit more about this. I do love this ship, I just don’t believe they’d be two people who find each other again and again in every life time, in every universe. That’s why, as magnificent as fireworks, it also won’t last.

To explore this, it’s not entire impossible for quintress to separate peacefully after this incident, but would that cheapen the build before? The entire motivation of dark!Quinlan hinges on his vision of their future. And say, Ventress did saved him and survived. How would he balance being a Jedi and his feelings - that’s publicly exposed to the Council? (sidenote: i really don’t like Ch. 27 where a bunch of old men are questioning their love life, but uhhh yes, I’m a sensible person!) For now, I’m seeing another Obi-Satine situation. And honestly how bad that an outcome is. It’s not like Ventress died for her war crimes! The show gave her a full pardon! So Idk man. Why can’t she leave him because she loves him and she exiled herself and they never see each other again WHY NOT FILONI WHY NOT.

Now I’m lamenting more what could’ve been with the two arcs. In Filoni’s original sketch, Aayla and Maul were involved. Man, that could’ve been the dream.

~~~

Part 2: [26th April, 15:15]

It has been… a month, since I finished Dark Disciple and I feel like it’s time to conclude all the thinking this book has made me do.

On the wider reflection about attachment and the Jedi Order, I still have to do more reading on it from other sources to form a concrete opinion. This theme won’t be touched on in this post yet, but I cannot shake how intriguing it is to compare “falling” in love to falling to the dark side. The temptation, and the submission to their emotions, the irrationality, the newfound curiosity, it all incites. Very curiously, it was Anakin Skywalker who commented that one is “blinded by love”

Okay, so what I’ve been scratching my head off the past two weeks is how I look at the romance between Asajj Ventress and Quinlan Vos. How would I define it?

Now this is as much as an exploration of how I view romantic relationships. Well, I’ve decided it wasn’t “love”, it was an “affair”. It was an affair because it’s a rush of passion, it’s a secret, it won’t last. Before I chop my own head off for bluntness, I mean it in, of course they are hopelessly in love with each other, that’s the exact premise of why it moved me so. But it wasn’t a complete relationship, wasn’t a healthy, sustainable one by any objective standards. Then, that’s the exact contradiction. Oh to throw caution in the wind with you, or to build a future with you?

Both are things I want a lot, and the ideal is of course one after the other. What quintress had (in the end) is definitely not something I’d want for myself, but it’s so fantastical, it’s alluring, just like the concept of falling in love - opening up yourself and trusting another person, is - it’s risky. That’s why it’s a sweet, sweet drug.

I’ve been so angry at all the red flags in this relationship. Reading this book, getting into both of their shoes, yelling NO like their best friends. But ultimately, what they had is unique to them and I can’t influence it in any way. Re-reading, I find myself holding myself back at all the places I was furious about going ‘You are smarter than this!’. Because it’s a tragedy, and the beautiful (I guess) thing is they chose each other.

The other day something on the dash inspired me to really think about ship dynamics. I, unashamedly admit, I’m VERY into Obi/Quin/Ventress in any and all combinations. *cough* I will not explain further.

I do accept the premise and I did discover they share quite a bunch of traits, but it confused me a while what made them cross the boundary, and it was, physical attraction (that the book was selling so hard I was blushing hot). I love them both a lot, and I would like to date them both, and I can see myself in either of them. Again comes the contradiction, is it a good thing to have characters so easily projectable, or do I want to see myself in more complex characters like them?

I probably lost quite a few cars stalling this train of thought. And I've been a canon apologist since forever. This book brought me a lot of emotional upheavals and a lot of food for thought. It brought me down to reflect on my romantic worldview and sexuality because I have nothing better to do. It totally challenged me as a writer and it’s just a really good novel by its right, regardless of the absurdity that is The Clone Wars. It’s a lot of firsts for me. And I really should find something better to do.

[26th April 16:00]

I must address that I got spoiled of the ending and the first and second half of the book probably went through some big changes.

If I cried for this book, it’s score would be even higher. And I’ve been so obsessed with discussing the relationship, without shedding light on the characterization, which is definitely an unfortunate side effect. Then it occurs that quite possibly the second half (26-42) deviated even further from the script than the first? It doesn’t have concept art or blocking, plus possibly (heavily) edited to omit correlation to other arcs. My major complaint for the second half is Ventress doesn’t do much and we know NOTHING about Vos, even though he is given screen time in the book. my, I just wish Ventress punch him harder and drag his idiotic mess back to the light sooner.

And to criticism about it being their ‘toxic’ relationship being portrayed as ‘true love’, well, it really depends on how thoughtful the reader is, right? I think if the reader is able to notice all these red flags and gave their own interpretation of the relationship and its outcome, it’d’ve been an educating experience. There’s what for the reader and what for the characters. They don’t know this ‘love’ is destroying them, and what kind of message is it sending? What ‘love’ depicted in the book is true then? I have my answers, and I hope every reader comes to their own as well.

[pinktatertots99]

🔥 Feelings on the canon ships of Homestuck?

Send Me a 🔥+ a Topic, and I’ll Tell You My Honest Opinion About It

god am i gonna need to go with the sequals too? just og or all ships that’re considered canon by the end? whatever i’ll just go in order in what might be the ‘canon’ ships from all three of these categories. this is gonna be fucking long so anything and everything is under the cut. also i’m SO not gonna add hiveswap that can be its own separate ask. so:

roxygen: it’s a cute ship...but the sequal vers is garbage considering how inconsiderate roxy is to john’s feelings and his house burning down like damn rox this is the guy who sat with ya as ya mourned doom rose’s death give the guy some fuckin time himself.

rosemary: also cute ship...sequal versions are fuckin godawful tho. their barely a thing in meat from wha i can gather and then there’s candy...oh CANDY kanaya deserves better fuck this sense of her sayin she’s over it idc if it was off screen, even then half the cast ate stupid pills during that time so WHY must i be surprised that this is wha happens?

dave/kat: i dun like it. in either universe. meat is just perfect gay bois who have occasional deep talks and literally do nothing else while candy they split up thanks to jade which, geez ya guys must’ve been shit to tell her to fuck off like come on. og hs wise i barely consider them canon if we only get pictures and them just being on equal footing on quadrant talk. not to mention dave implied to be crushing on jade and JOHN not karkat, idk where this couple even came from other then love triangle situation with terezi but like, that’s barely much of a reason to become canon. i’d go with em bein pale/moirails more.

jadedave: i’m guessing candy and meat i thought meat implied they were dating but may aswell. so....it sucks but thats because candy and meat suck, meat dave’s basically cheating on her i didnt hear any implication they broke up and she’s like...chill??? and then there’s candy where she literally forced him and kar to break up and dated after dirk apparently died, i do not like the implications of this whole thing. course candy dave is dead and a robot now so...anyways canon wise dave had a crush on her and if jade does like him i’d hope it’s not cause of davesprite cause despite both being dave’s they were different. it’s cute otherwise.

davepetajade: it’s...cute? i guess? idk i kinda found davepeta a bit...idk overwhelmingly overrated? like i know where their popularity came from but readin the series now after all that hype i dont really see it anyways tho it’s basically davespritejade with nepeta in the mix. and idk nothin implied much of nepeta liking jade, or talkin to her much. and davepetasprite is a mesh of both so idk. it’s a ship with cute fanon works of em hanging with outfits but that’s bout it.

janejake: i hate it. legit. this is disgusting and completely throws out jane’s character. like even in the fixed timeline the talk she had with dirk probably still happened on the god bed’s and how she acknowledged wha she thought was wrong on wantin jake’s kids and so on trickster still happened and how she also realized she might’ve overhyped jake. but lets throw it ALL out the window to force jake in an unhappy marriage in both universes and possibly force him to stay in candy due to having tavvy if i’m reading the implications right. even then jake isn’t good for jane either both got their own needs this ship would’ve been sunked in canon and WAS but the sequals are beyond it so maybe that explains it but it disgusts me.

roseterezi: guess in meat specifically. yeah i kinda dont...care for it, like i still cant tell if rose and kanaya broke up or if she just fucked off without breaking up either one is fucked up on kan’s behalf. even then i just dont care for their kismesis it got brought up once and that was it.

jaderose: candy wise i guess even tho it was a fling. it disgusts me still mostly because of kan’s behalf on bein fucked over and both goin through a ‘surrogation’ process without her notice. like fuck this shit the jaderose fans deserve better.

roxycallie: idk if this one’s canon but it’s heavily implied callie lives with roxy least in candy. it’s cute, cant deny it even in og it was pretty cute, dont really care for candy vers tho but then again maybe their not a couple in it idk what’s canon couples anymore.

johnterezi: literally fucked in meat universe and john has kismesis feelings for her in canon. it’s...interesting, idk tho i feel like it’s one sided on john’s side.

ms paint/spade slick: i cant deny it’s cute, he’d least know how to treat a lady but god i’d hope it wouldnt be his only defining trait with her. also want ms paint to call his bullshit out pls and thanks.

dirkjake: honestly i cant tell if their STILL canon in og or not god forbid the sequals. in general though...i dont. i honestly dont really like em together much. they seem like the type to least stay friends but idk bout another relationship would be a good idea for em. maybe later down the line but otherwise canon wise they need a break.

and now for the canon one timer ships this involves any ships implied, uncomfirmed, ex-relationships, crushes, etc:

arasol: it’s cute, best ship. their quadrant was never confirmed but regardless their cute. sol tho in the sequals deserved better then to get abandoned by aradia goddamn.

fefsol: also cute, i live for both of em bein ass’s together.

erisol: oh boi this one...this was...yeah i cant even deny they wouldnt be too healthy, i like lookin at fanon ways tho for em. canon wise tho yeaaaah no these guys definietly wouldnt work.

gamtav: it’s...cute but boi gamzee needs some help i think.

gamsol: -sollux did imply he either wanted a kismesis or matesprit with him in one of the flashes- again same as gamtav.

aradia/equius: BIG NOPE nope nope nope equi that’s weird wha ya did never do it again thank fuck aradia hasnt been around him since.

karterezi: their actually kinda cute, looking back on em they could’ve worked. stupid doomed timeline bullshit.

daverezi: also kinda cute, idk tho if i got flushed for em tho i get more pale vibes but it was semi-a thing.

kanvris: it’s baaaaad kanaya deserves much better and vriska never seemed much the type for cementing into a relationship.

vristav: even worse, like i’d like to thank fuck tav one up-ed her in the end cause fuck wha he had to go through.

karmeenah: it...could be cute? maybe? only iffy part is the ages, i thought the dancestors were like sixteen tho since the kids said they were teenagers even tho they were at the time about fourteen? idk tho if eighteen is considered an adult in alternia or not tho it’s kinda implied to be? anyways tho it’s just off puttin maybe a bit tho.

meenahvris: it’s kinda cute, it was atleast, idk lookin back it does feel more unhealthy.

rufidama: baaaaaad i love rufi but he’s got some bullshit he needs worked out and damara deserves someone better.

rufihorr: just as bad as above, both deserve someone better or atleast horrus does with some therapy on it rufioh i think should just chill on relationships but it’s so obvious their not meant to be.

mitula: it’s cuuuuuute i cant deny it, ...okay fanon vers is canon is barely anything and tula does give more pale implications for tuna but with how protective she was over damara near him it’s sweet, but god do i wish canon tuna gave more feelings for tula.

kantula: it’s...creepy. like it’s so obvious the vantas bois cant communicate well but kankri’s crush feels almost pressuring on tula when he kept goin about them and goin “oh but we’re totally friends and i’m celibate so it’s okay its whatevs” like kan go to a corner give tula some air to breath.

crotuna: BIG NOPE cronus needs to learn fuckin boundaries thirsty fish bastard.

should i even add cro//eri due to the fact he literally asked an eridan out? regardless gross, ew, no, i’ll take the fanon ampora brothers anyday canon i didnt fuckin need that thx.

porrnea: it was implied to be more of a fling. idk considerin aranea’s track record i cant really say i’d trust her in many flushed quads. and porrim seems the type to have hers open and not a closed off thing so idk they got different cases.

aranea/jake: i cant deny it’s fuckin cute, i’d would’ve loved if they tried to do somethin but aranea was definietly uhhh not a good choice for jake. least she backed off when he didnt wanna be kissed but man yeah, it was cute while it lasted.

kurmeu: i cant deny the idea kur forced himself quiet due to hurting meu hurts me in a sweet way but as of rn them bein ‘pale’ and him mind controllin her when we dunno if she’s alright with this or not is...disturbing.

vristerezi: i am HIGHLY doubtful this is canon considering everything but i guess i gotta cement this. i dont see em as canon in og or sequal wise since vris is still gone in both, even then i dont like, see it, i see it but idk man i like em more pale then pail.

erifef: honestly no. both are much too different for a relationship, kinda glad they uh...got cut short cause honestly even their moirailship wasnt healthy what’s to say a matespritship would? on BOTH sides mind you.

rosejohn: thank karkat’s shipping board. anyways, i think their cute cause fuck it rose is a bi-con to me, canon wise probably wouldnt work but i’ll take fanon.

vriseri: kinda glad they got cut short of their kismesis cause boi eridan deserves a better one with how shit vriska was in breaking up with him.

johnvris: it was cute, i cant deny i’m soft over how the two talked things about vriska’s life and john’s it’s just kinda cute. it’s obvious tho canon wise with wha john went through it wont work out. would’ve loved if they became moirails tho but o well canon is god i guess.

spadePM: i dont like much of their implications, would be an unhealthy relationship regardless considerin spade’s flushed and PM’s pitch, they deserve some therapy and other people.

dadbert/momlonde: their cute i like the implications of em, sad they died though, it was cute while it lasted.

meowrails: may aswell count moirails in this shipping mess. anyways their cute, they gimmie sibling vibes course equius early into it was so...not a good moirail.

kurtuna: i guess it might be cute moirails? idk tho with kurloz’s implications it concerns me.

gamkar: as moirails...karkat was fuckin shit at his job i cant sugarcoat it. i get where it’s from he’s not gam’s lusus and shouldn’t be forced to check on him during his time of gettin high and such, i get they were kids, but god gam kinda deserved a better moirail. and then later on in the series it gets more fucked up between kar gettin stabbed by him and both in a pretty unhealthy moirailationship to the fixed timeline where gamzee is just shut into a fridge and kar doesnt fuckin care, like dude, wow. gamzee was bad yeah but damn, harsh a tad.

terezigam: as a kismesis it’s almost disgustingly unhealthy to me and honestly terezi deserved better and gamzee maaaaybe shouldn’t get a kismesis, ever, unless he can sort his shit out -the sequals tho wont do that lol-

minorly gonna count johndave in this: idk if i can see john reciprocating for dave so dave’s crush on him almost kinda hurts, especially since fixed timeline dave’s john is well, dead and our john is probably still different from his john, has angst but man i kinda dont mind it as a one sides crush it’s nice confirmation of dave bein bi atleast.

nepetajasper/jasprose: i cant see it, it’s disturbing i guess. i like em more as friends but jasprose is probably more creepy bout it.

signless/diciple: i think considerin the implications they were fuckin adorable and deserved the best.

summoner/mindfang: it’s kinda sad considerin its implied mindfang’s love for him might’ve been one sided, they could’ve been cute tho.

orphanor/mindfang: probably sounded like the best kismesis’s until he murdered dolorosa.

dolorosa/mindfang: BIG NOPE i dun like the implications.

condence/orphaner: since it’s implied orphaner had a crush on her, gonna say tho big nope considerin condence is a bitch.

condence/lord english: its hard to decipher their relationship in canon, but to cover all my bases it’s big nope to me somethin bout it makes me uncomfy despite both bein bastards.

[toglidethroughlife]

Brighter Than Any Star:

An intimate look at everyone’s new favorite bass player

(or the blades band au that nobody asked for)

*inspired by @iaraiumi‘s STUNNING guitarist tyril art (here)

tyril-centric and tyril x mc bc this would be 7k+ words if i didn’t focus on just one of them but i tried to give everyone a moment in the spotlight. credits to a fic i read from the 100 fandom years ago for the format

used my f!elf mc ryllea graywater for this (though i guess this is kind of a modern au idk asjdla); also i don’t play any musical instruments i’m sorry in advance for butchering any of the technical parts 😬

Tyril Starfury — with his red silk shirts and slicked back hair — looks every bit the part of a rock god on stage with the rest of BLADES; but here, in the confines of their tour bus, he is a quiet presence, calmly sipping tea in the corner with a notepad and pen in his hands, his mind far away in the early hours of the morning.

If you had told me eighteen months ago that I would be shadowing Broadway darling Tyril Starfury as he traveled cross-country with his new rock band, I would have laughed and called you preposterous.

And yet, here I am, witness to the madness.

Nia Ellarious, the band’s youngest member and resident pianist, offers me a cup of the same tea as Starfury’s, telling me to enjoy the quiet with an almost apologetic smile.

I understand what she means not long after.

(There’s no such thing as a quiet morning in the world of Mal Volari.)

Every bit as charming and flamboyant as his on-stage persona, Volari greets the entire bus a good morning with flourish, throwing both me and Ellarious a magnetic smile before slipping towards the coffee machine with exceptionally light feet. (More on that later.) He taps on every available surface while he waits for his coffee to brew, humming softly as if figuring out a melody right there on the spot.

If Starfury is bothered by Volari’s banging and humming, he makes no show of it, paying him no mind as he continues to scribble in his notepad.

Ellarious beams as the scene plays out in front of her. “It’s not every day that they don’t get on each other’s nerves,” she explains. “Especially in the morning.”

It’s around this time — almost noon now — that Ryllea Graywater, lead guitarist and vocalist, wakes and joins the group, heading straight towards Volari and the cup of coffee in his hand.

“Thanks,” she winks as she takes the cup from him, shooting Volari a shit-eating grin that he returns easily, already procuring another cup for himself.

It should be noted that Graywater doesn’t seem to talk to anyone until she’s had at least one cup of coffee, choosing instead to slide in beside Starfury in the dining booth, eyes darting towards the notepad he’s writing on. They kind of just... sit there, minding their own business amidst the chaos that is the rest of the bus.

(Volari’s launched into an animated story about the inspiration behind last year’s summer hit, “Contessa, Contessa”, but I can’t help being drawn to the more quiet story unfolding behind him in the dining booth.)

Slinging one arm against the backrest of Starfury’s seat, Graywater casually invites herself into his space, a thoughtful smile on her lips as she looks over the notepad in his hand. There’s an openness between them that tells me that this isn’t a new occurrence, a comfortable ease in the way they seem to be engaging in a wordless conversation.

“He’s kind of really private,” I recall the younger Starfury sibling, Adrina, telling me about his creative process years ago, at the release party for his collab album with then rumored girlfriend and writing partner Kaya Duskraven. “He’s always been a perfectionist. Doesn’t really let anyone other than Kaya hear anything until it’s finished.”

But there’s no trace of that here, in this quiet moment with Graywater, bright, almost triumphant smiles on their faces as she picks up a pen and scribbles something on the pad too, immediately tapping out a melody against the table as if to test-run it by Starfury.

The smile he gives her is glowing.

I look away — suddenly feeling like an intruder in their private moment — catching the tail-end of Volari’s Contessa story, right before Imtura (no publicly released surname) accidentally slams me against the wall when the bus makes a rocky turn.

“Oof, sorry there little guy.” She raises both hands in apology before heading straight for the coffee machine, haphazardly dumping its contents into a generous-sized mug before immediately proceeding to consume said coffee as she plunks onto the other end of the dining booth.

And that’s how the first morning of me shadowing BLADES goes.

Ellarious tells me I’m lucky it was a good one.

-

With over 16 years of experience under his belt, Tyril Starfury has been in the music and entertainment industry far longer than the rest of the BLADES members combined. At the tender age of nine, he won his first piano competition, regarded highly for his precision at such a young age. He would continue to play competitively until he discovers a new love — musical theater.

It’s no surprise that Starfury ends up on Broadway — he comes from a long line of revered artists, all of them regarded as geniuses of their time. Though some would argue that his family name opened doors that would otherwise be unavailable, no one could deny that it was his clear, soaring baritone and unrelenting work ethic that kept him on stage.

It’s on this stage that he met young Kaya Duskraven, an understudy in one of his shows, prompting a fruitful five-year partnership spanning two EPs and a mini-concert series, Stars in the Dusk.

(The name was a little on the nose, but the critics loved them all the same.)

The two shared such a comfortable rapport, on and off-stage, that they naturally sparked dating rumors — Starfury was always quick to deny them.

No one could have expected the partnership to end on such a bitter note.

To this day, no one knows the real reason behind their fallout — Starfury walked out in the middle of their televised performance without apology or explanation — though there have been no shortage of rumors and theories, a lot of them involving one Eleryn Rosecoven, better known in the industry as Shadow Court bassist dXenia.

I tried to bring it up once, after several bottles of beer have been consumed and the band is swapping stories over s’mores made over the tour bus stove.

I’ve never been shut out so fast in my life.

There’s an audible crack from the s’more now crushed in Imtura’s hand, her piercing amber eyes seemingly driving a death sentence into mine. Volari sighs disapprovingly (and dramatically) at me, and even Ellarious — friendly, cheery Nia — looks at me with a pointed glare, turning off the stove, signaling the end of s’mores night.

“I would prefer not to comment,” Starfury nods at me, years of practiced courtesy showing in his tone and all I want in that moment is for the earth to swallow me whole.

Graywater follows when he excuses himself from the group. Everyone else avoids me like the plague.

It’s hours later when Starfury and Graywater return to the bus — I pretend to have fallen asleep in the dining booth in hopes that I can avoid their fury until the morning — but Graywater approaches me with two cups of tea in hand, an unreadable expression on her face.

She slides over one cup to me — if the scalding temperature of the tea is intentional, she makes no obvious show of it.

“Look,” she begins with an exasperated sigh. “I know you’re only doing your job here. And we did agree to this article, so I’m sorry if things got a little tense back there.” She pauses, as if considering her next words carefully. “We’ve all lived moments in our lives that we’re not proud of. Tyril’s had to live his in front of the public eye. He’ll talk about it when he feels ready to... but his past doesn’t define him, none of ours do.”

I nod, understanding that this is the last we’ll speak of the subject. She smiles as if in truce, telling me that I don’t have to banish myself to the dining booth and that no one will pull any pranks on me if I sleep in the shared bedroom.

I barely catch any sleep anyway.

There’s a ferocity in the way they protect each other that I didn’t notice at first — it could be subtle sometimes, like in the way Volari always checks in with each of the band members every night before going to bed (even though Starfury usually brushes him off); or in the way Imtura always makes sure every one stays hydrated (feel free to interpret that however you wish, whichever way is true); or in the way Ellarious always has some form of baked good running in the oven, more often someone else’s favorite rather than her own.

(I learn the hard way that no one is allowed to get in between Imtura and her cupcakes. No one.)

It’s also plain as day whenever they’re on stage together, their set list a carefully curated show that highlights each member’s strengths without anyone getting overworked. Everyone’s always quick to catch each other whenever they hit snags along the road — there’s a moment in one of the shows when Volari’s mic suddenly gets cut off and Starfury swoops in without missing a beat, a small nod of the former’s head seemingly the only cue he needs, the trust between them implicit.

When I had asked earlier why he’d joined BLADES, Starfury simply shrugged, as if it was no big deal.

“It was by accident. I happened to be at one of their shows and they needed a bass player. We kind of just… worked and we’ve played together ever since.”

But this kind of chemistry doesn’t just happen by accident. No, this is the product of months and months of hard work, of opinions clashing and arguments spanning days before sitting down and realizing it’s not impossible to see eye to eye; it’s battles won and battles lost together, respect earned and trust merited.

To call them just another band seems too small a word almost. Insufficient.

They’re kind of like a family.

(If your typical family involved regular knife and axe-throwing contests, that is.

... it’s best not to ask.)

-

Tensions are high backstage at Deadwood Festival Grounds.

Volari has been pacing around non-stop. Ellarious looks like she’s using every bit of her willpower not to bite her fingernails. Imtura keeps violently tapping her drumsticks together. Starfury’s got his arms crossed in a corner, brows furrowed.

Graywater is doing a handstand for no apparent reason.

The anxiety is understandable — tonight’s a crucial moment for the band.

With only one more show before the grand finale at Whitetower Stadium, all the bands are doing their best to retain the crowd’s favor, each playing well-established fan favorites, saving the riskier song choices for the finale.

That is, everyone except BLADES.

They’re planning to debut two new songs tonight, both of which written solely by Starfury.

It’s a ballsy move on its own — no one’s exactly itching to drop the ball on their fans this close to the end — but add in the fact that Starfury hasn’t released any solo-written music since the Duskraven fallout and you’ve got the makings of a battle that could either go incredibly right or disastrously wrong.

Let’s back up a bit.

After the Duskraven breakup, Starfury had gone into something of a hiatus (if that’s what you call disappearing off the face of the entertainment industry) before dropping the 13-track self-written album, “Honor,” without prior notice or promotion. Fans were ecstatic to hear from him after his sudden break, but critics were less enthused, calling the album ‘a brash, arrogant attempt at flipping the metaphorical finger at Duskraven that ultimately falls short’, noting the clear absence of Duskraven’s touch in his music — all technicality, no soul.

Starfury’s penned a couple of songs with BLADES since, spanning genres as colorful and diverse as its writers, but there hasn’t been a solo venture since Honor, leaving long-time Starfury fans anxious to hear him take lead again.

Graywater calls everyone into a circle, locking eyes with Starfury as she gives his hand a squeeze.

She makes a speech that I‘m not privy to — but everyone is visibly more resolute after she speaks, each raising their fists to meet in the middle of the circle.

“I’m honored to be on this journey with you all,” I hear Starfury share, a glittering smile spreading on Volari’s lips at the statement.

“I knew you liked us!” he says, crossing the circle to throw an arm around Starfury’s shoulders, pulling him close.

“Group hug!” Ellarious laughs and Imtura closes the circle into a solid embrace.

Starfury appears to be in shock — as if this is the first time this has happened — but he recovers quickly, a quietly contented smile on his face.

The last streaks of daylight have disappeared by the time they’re called to stage, the crowd restless from a long afternoon under the blistering heat.

Darkness has fallen.

But then the opening chords to fan-favorite “Murderous Masquerade” cut through the evening air, a flurry of flashing lights bursting through the sky, and the Deadwood comes alive.

Volari takes center stage in his flashy black and gold ensemble, working the crowd with such ease that it’s no question why he’s been dubbed the band’s de facto showman — he’s frankly just mesmerizing to watch.

Next up is “The Priestess and the Warrior,” an epic tale crammed into four and a half minutes of heart-racing drum beats — provided by the insanely talented Imtura — with a tender piano-driven bridge near the close, Ellarious’ heartbreaking vocals driving the whole thing home.

Graywater takes lead in the third number, “Flirting with Monsters,” a delicate neo R&B number that sounds nothing like the title suggests, her earnest, airy vocals lulling you into a comfortable, almost dream-like state as she entices her lover to stay.

The one thing common between the seemingly weird mishmash of genres is Starfury’s steady bassline, providing a much needed thread of cohesion to the set list. Where Volari, Imtura, Graywater, and even Ellarious tackle their music with the raw aggression of fresh blood on stage, Starfury attacks with quiet, seasoned finesse, his expertise evident in tracks like “Watch your back (or I’ll watch it for you)” and “Drakna Queen” — two unconventionally energetic numbers that would be difficult to listen to live if not for Starfury’s sure hand bringing them harmony.

“Alright, we’re gonna slow things down for a bit,” Graywater announces, eyes sparkling with excitement as she looks at Starfury. “Tyril’s got a new song and we want you guys to be the first to hear it.”

By now, I’ve seen enough of Starfury’s performances to say that he’s not a nervous performer. Even in the earlier stages of his career, there was always a quiet assuredness about him — which could have also been easily called arrogance — and while that’s still present now, there’s something different about the way he interacts with the crowd, a sense of humility present in the way he put his hands together and gives them a brief bow before he sits himself in front of the piano.

“I would like to dedicate this to a person very special to me,” he begins, his fingers gentle on the keys, a soft, lilting melody dancing in the air.

(He’s not even the least bit subtle about the way he looks at Graywater.)

“She has reminded me, time and again, that hope and love, when we allow it, can shine the brightest light in the dark.” Graywater shakes her head as if to shrug in nonchalance, but she meets his eyes dead on, her smile beaming with pride.

Turning to the crowd, Starfury adds, “I hope this gives you as much joy as you’ve given me. This one’s called ‘Kilvali.’”

For the next minute, it’s just Starfury and the piano, the world quiet as his voice fills the air. If there was ever any doubt that Starfury had lost his vocal prowess, there wouldn’t be any now. His voice is clear and strong — reaching even the farthest row of people on the music grounds — albeit with a softness now that I’ve never heard from him before, his attachment to his music feeling infinitely more personal.

“All my moments with you are worth whatever pain that came before,” he sings, his voice soaring as the rest of the band join him in the second verse. The performance is even more powerful with the added instrumentation.

Tiny cellphone flashlights illuminate the crowd as they sway their hands in time to the song, the emotion in Starfury’s voice rolling out in waves.

Twitter user @notmxwllbmnt13 sums it up nicely:

SJSKJSJSK TYRIL STARFURY KILLED ME TONIGHT!! ALL!! THE!! FEELS!!

(It really was beautiful.)

The crowd cheers as the song draws to a close, but the battle’s not over yet (as Starfury would tell me himself later) — the true test lying in whether or not his second song proves a testament to his newfound voice in songwriting… or if it’s just a one-time stroke of luck.

“If it’s alright with you, we’d like to play you another new one,” he says and the applause is deafening when he turns over the mic to Volari, the latter pulling him into a one-armed hug before taking to the crowd.

If Duskraven’s interviews post-breakup are to be believed, Starfury has never — not once — written a song that wasn’t intended for himself. (She claimed to have co-written plenty of solos for Starfury, but he allegedly never returned the favor.) A quick glance at his repertoire would make this allegation appear true.

“It is true,” he tells me simply when I bring it up later in the tour bus. (Despite the coolness of his voice, I notice him shift a little in his seat.) “I was... unconfident, extending my words to other artists like that. I was also prideful and arrogant — afraid to face the judgment and criticism of my peers, and for that, I truly am sorry to Kaya. She deserved better from me as a partner.”

It seems Starfury has taken that incident to heart. Listening to “Purple Dreams” with Volari’s teasing falsetto on the forefront, it becomes clear that Starfury wrote this with the former’s vocals in mind, the flirtatious mix of his sassy vocal riffs and playful onstage antics giving the song a delicious, intoxicating energy.

It’s probably the most experimental I’ve heard from Starfury as a writer, both in terms of lyricism and melody.

“I’ve learned a lot this last year, creating music with BLADES,” he explains. “Not only did I find a new perspective on songwriting thanks to them, but my bandmates also gave me the courage to try things outside of my comfort zone and to allow myself to make mistakes. They inspire me.”

Years ago, he was dubbed as stiff and awkward outside of the theater stage, with Duskraven providing all the charm in their partnership, but now, on stage with BLADES — as Volari points his sultry gaze at him, singing his own lyrics to him — Starfury smirks, leaning ever so slightly against the showman as his hands tease along the guitar strings, driving the crowd wild.

It’s clear by the end of the song that Starfury has won over the crowd, and for once, he actually seems to revel in it, his smile beaming as he takes in the applause.

The rest of the band are even more thrilled for him, each leaving their posts to engulf him in another hug.

He doesn’t hesitate this time, allowing the fond gesture in front of their adoring crowd, each of them savoring the quiet moment, and I think, out of all the times I’ve seen Starfury on stage, this has to be my favorite version of him.

In the company of his friends, lifting and supporting each other, Tyril Starfury shines brighter than any star.

“We haven’t talked about what we’re doing after yet,” Starfury admits when I ask him about the future of BLADES after Morella Fest. (Each of the members are also solo artists in their own right, after all.) “But whatever happens at the end of the tour, we’ll always have each other, regardless of whether the band continues or not. I can’t imagine my life without these people now and I hope I never have to.”

He’s smiling as he says this, watching his bandmates fight over the last levenfruit before he excuses himself to join them, Graywater and Ellarious easily making space for him in the dining booth, Volari and Imtura rounding out the little world that now seems completely their own.

-

This article also appears in BLADES: The Most Ambitious Crossover Event in Morella Music History. You can find the full feature on www - kadethebard - com.

-

tagging: @sophie-summer ✨

[h2ojustaddmako]

My Thoughts After Re-Watching Season 2

Hiya everybody. Sorry for the long times between posts. Working two jobs and keeping a social life, while also trying to sleep, eat healthy and get hydrated is taking a toll on this account. Bright side is, that because of the whole Corona situation, I might spend a lot of time home soon. So head-up, another headcanon/theory is coming this week, but just to break the hiatus, I decided to write today.

Every now and then, I decide to re-watch one of the three seasons of the show, just so I could have something to fill my time. So, recently I decided to watch season 2 again, and, as I like, pick up on some details, ideas or thoughts I didn’t get during previous binges. I’ve watched this season, like the others, around four or five times now since release, maybe more - and yet I’m still genuinely surprised at the things I notice or realize every time. So I figured I might turn it into a list of the good, the bad, and the plain interesting.

This list is in no particular order, I just write my thoughts as they go.

1. I am still BLOWN AWAY by how good the writing is on this show. It may not be an Oscar-winning script, but for a teen show of the early 2000′s it’s amazingly deep and well thought of, from every angle. That what makes my theories so fun to make, because they planted so much information throughout the shows that I genuinely enjoy picking out details and information from it.

2. To go into more depth, I really enjoyed all the different storylines they brought in throughout the 26 episodes. Look, twenty-six episodes is a lot for a TV series. Most shows release around 10, since long storylines are hard to follow and are easy to get messy. But while they added so many side stories (Max and the original mermaids, Ash and Emma, Cleo and Lewis’ breakup and Charlotte getting in between),. each of these stories merged with the main plot so well, and actually added depth to the story, making it more complicated for the characters, and more interactive for the viewer.

3. While the main focus for the season was the Cleo-Lewis-Charlotte  relationship, both Emma and Rikki had their romantic paths taken as well. But unlike season 1, where the couples fought for screen time, this time those relationships were put to the side in favour of the main plot, which made them more slow-paced and interesting to watch. I enjoyed the fact that Emma and Ash stayed in the dark throughout the entire season, and that Zane only appeared when he was needed. Both are good characters, but not needed every time.

4. On the other hand, Cleo and Lewis’ relationship was handled very maturely all through the season. From when they dated, through the post-breakup, and all the way to managing being friends, the relationship was very well looked into and explored.

5. Might be a side thing, but I loved that Ash was actually figuring out something was off about Emma. One of my favourite lines by him was, “You realize none of this is natural. But you already knew that.” (Ep. 26) Mostly in shows like these, the character either never questions the weird occurrences around them, or the curiosity fuel the storyline (like Zane in season 1). The writer really wrote out of pure logic and not out of plot requirements, and I dig that little detail.

6. This one is felt throughout the entire show, but was most dominant during this one. The show is not about mermaids at all. This is written as a show about three girls and their coming of age process, and the things they have to deal with, one of them being turned into mermaids. But it’s far from being the only problem these girls have, and it’s showing when some episodes really struggle to squeeze in scenes of the girls in their tails for pure rating, even when the plot is not in need of any mermaid action. The girls have a very full and normal lifestyle aside from being mermaids. They go out, go shopping, have other friends, work, study and fail, deal with personal issues at home or with partners. The tails are just another part of their lives and I love it.

7. Episode 23 is a turning point for Charlotte’s character arch. I’ve spoken greatly before about how I feel like Charlotte is seen in our minds as the “bad guy” while she was a nice character most of her time on the show. And she was! Up until episode 23 when was never trying to hurt the girls. She may have acted out of jealousy before towards Cleo, but she was insecure and worried about her boyfriend. What should she think when her boyfriend spends a whole lot of time with his ex and fails to explain to her exactly why? The show did a great job showing the point of both sides in the argument between the girls and Charlotte, and showed the entire process of how their relationship turned into what it was.  A lot of ego, assumptions, and false worries, and a lot of unfortunate events. Episode 23 was really a turning point because that’s where both sides of the fight were really right in different ways, things that led Charlotte to want to go on her own, and the girls to stay away from her. Charlotte acted the way she did because she felt like the girls were treating her badly (which she was wrong about sometimes, but they too hold the blame, mostly Rikki). From episode 24 and on, she started acting as the “bad guy” the show built her to be, and even then I can see her side. But enough on that.

8. Lewis is hot. Idk what’s up with Charlotte’s eyebrows.

9. One thing that feels off every time is how quickly Lewis started dating Charlotte. I don’t blame a guy for moving on quickly, I do find it weird that during the post-breakup from Cleo, he not only protected Cleo’s respect and jealousy by not flirting with any other girl, but also didn’t really seem like he was into Charlotte at all. She was a good friend at the beginning, then Cleo got in the middle, and for some reason, Charlotte did her best to rub it in Cleo’s face that she wants Lewis. But he never, for once, showed interest back until Cleo gave him permission to move on, and all of a sudden they’re dating. What I'm saying is that Lewis never seemed to like Charlotte romantically, like she liked him. So that was weird, they just never felt right together.

10. The reason Charlotte mastered her powers so quickly, at least in my eyes, is because that a) she had the girls to explain her at least the basics, and b) she didn’t put herself into a box of ‘this is what I was given’, bc she wanted to be better than Cleo at every cost. Her will power helped her master her powers. While the girls dealt with learning their boundaries and abilities and adjusting into the new life they got, Charlotte learned about mermaids before her transformation and knew what she was getting into.

11. The show never shied away from real-life issues, that may be considered inappropriate or harsh to the audiences the show is targeted at. Handling with divorce (and the outcomes of it!) and parents starting dating again (true story, Cleo’s way to handle with Sam’s introduction into her father’s life helped me cope when my mother started dating men a couple of years ago), while also showing signs of LGBT references (Nate mentioned people think Lewis is gay, in other words) or even sexual harassment and consent (both when Rikki was mad at Zane for kissing her against her will, and when Ash’s apology to Emma when he believed Lewis thought he was trying to have sex with her/spy on her showering, which to remind y’all, she was 16 while he was 18). It’s so brief I never noticed it before, but once I did, it was hard to miss.

12. And lastly, I just love how this show treats science. So much real life and true scientific information is included in the lines of the story, mainly by Lewis, but also by other characters like Will, Cleo, Lowrey, Max and Dr. Denman. When they wrote the entire base to what mermaids are and how they exist, they didn’t care it was a show for goddamn 9-year-olds, and that what makes it so interesting. If you’re not into science, let me tell you that every scientific blurb or word you hear on the show is 100%% real and makes sense within its context. From talking about marine biology, to referring to mermaids groups ‘pods’ (which is a group of marine mammals in scientific terms), to the science of “magic” and mermaids as a whole, the show knows what it’s doing is within the realms of possibility from a scientific point of view, meaning none of it is real, but it could be, in another life.

Anyways, if you have anything else to add, feel free! This is your list as it is mine. I just really love this show and I wish people appreciated it the same way we do. When I tell people I like this show they remember it as just another kids TV show, and it’s so much more than that.

Hope you’re having a great day, be safe, and wash your hands (just not in front fo people, keep the secret safe!)

Until next time, maybe not as far as you think. xx

[shipping-receiving]

Trivia Tuesday: Some Notes on Full Spectrum

I’m not sure if I’ll return to this story anytime soon, so I thought I’d share a little about what I wish I had done differently, and what I might do if I ever continue it.

First of all, I have to confess that I basically winged it when it came to the plot. The novel on which I based the story has an incredibly elaborate universe, so I needed to figure out how to condense that. Plus, the novel was meant to be the first in a trilogy, but the latter two books have never been published, so I had to make up or gloss over a few things as I went along. Regardless, I knew I wanted seven chapters (seven colours, Seven Kingdoms etc.), so I started off with the chapter titles using idioms/sayings that fit those seven colours. 

The first chapter I wrote was Chapter 4: The Grass is Always Greener (i.e. Jaime and Brienne banging in the meadows of Tarth while tripping on colour), then Chapters 1–3 after that, all while praying that the solution for Chapters 5–7 would just magically come to me. At the end of July my outline for Chapter 7 was still: LOL IDK THEY'VE FALLEN IN LOVE IN A DYSTOPIA NOW WHAT?! So there are a ton of things that I would have changed or included if I had… you know, actually planned everything properly beforehand.

Anyway, some hopes, regrets, questions, and headcanons after the cut:

What I would write assuming the current version stays as it is:

Ideally – though I seriously doubt my abilities to pull this off given the amount of anxiety I experienced regarding all the plot conundrums in this story – I would love to write a trilogy of seven-chapter stories. Seeing as the first focuses on uncovering the conspiracies, the second would involve more political manoeuvring culminating in some sort of revolution, and the third might be… post-apocalyptic? Maybe? Or at least taking place in a kind of unstable version of the new social order.

The second act would also involve a Stoneheart plot, once they make contact with the resistance. This would explore how the Starks’ Purple perception was taken away, and what they know about the Wildfire Protocol.

Along those lines, I’d probably need to figure out J and B’s relationship arcs for the second and third acts. I suppose the most straightforward would be to have her pregnant for the second part, and there’s a time jump in the third part so they already have at least one kid.

I am toying with the idea of writing that epistolary interlude I mentioned at the end of the story. The fic would be entirely composed of sexy letters between Jaime and Brienne while she’s on Tarth (perhaps she’s stuck there for a month or two), but Jaime reveals some of what’s happening with the Council and she discusses what she’s found out from the Stark girls. I was even thinking of hiding the sensitive information in the sexy stuff – code, invisible ink, something like that – so each letter between them might actually have a second letter embedded in it.

I really love the idea of the Wildfire swatch being ‘planted’ all over King’s Landing, not to “burn them all”, but rather as a mass exposure of everyone to the Wildfire Protocol and the ability to see in natural colour. I don’t know how this could be done safely, given the addictive qualities of colour and the general chaos this would cause, but I like the subversion of canon!Wildfire. It might be the grand gesture to trigger a revolution.

*sigh* I might have to write about Shae betraying them. It’s why I tried to be careful to mention that there is hardly any way for her to know that the Stark girls are the Stark girls (it’s not like she can see Sansa’s red hair anyway), even though they stayed at her house for a couple of nights. It’s just so I could keep them protected if I have to.

Now, here’s some parallels with canon that I would make space for if I overhauled the story and turned it into a longfic:

I’d find a way to do Enemies to Lovers instead of Strangers to Lovers. My fics tend to work with the latter, so I’d want to challenge myself in that way. It’ll give me more time to develop the characters and the world as well. In that vein:

I would want to figure out a way for Jaime to be known as the Kingslayer or some equivalent, which would establish animosity between him and Brienne from the get-go. Also:

I would actually write in some form of twincest, though this would likely have ended by the time Cersei marries Robert. The idea of Jaime and Cersei having the exact same Purple perception and seeing the world in the same way (and differently from everyone else) is really ripe for exploring their dynamic and how it became toxic. It’s possible that this dynamic never became (fully) sexual, given the fact that the Colour Perception Test can also function as a kind of rough paternity test, but I think it would make for some great dialogue between Jaime and Brienne as he confronts that past. (I really wanted to write this back when I was planning for this story to switch between Brienne’s POV and Jaime’s, but it became clear that I wouldn’t be able to resolve this comfortably in seven chapters, since I prefer to give the characters time to process.)

By extension, I’m thinking about what it means to “see the world with the same eyes” – and how in canon, Cersei and Brienne are meant to be mirrors of Jaime in vastly different ways. There’s a lot to mine there in terms of Colour Perception (the vision one is born with) vs. World View (the values one cultivates). There’s also some space here for thinking about beauty as being seen vs. the act of looking.

JAIME’S GODDAMN HAND. I never explained how he lost his fingers because… I don’t know. I assume in some kind of accident during one of his scrap colour expeditions. But since its loss is so symbolic in canon, I would want to find a proper parallel for this. Perhaps he loses an eye instead?

And here’s elements from the original novel (Shades of Grey by Jasper Fforde) that I would expand upon:

I’d need to better explain the Chromatic Hierarchy and how it works within the context of a feudal system. Or at least have it make more sense in my head. In the original novel, I think it was intentionally meant to be rotational in some way so certain families couldn’t centralise power for more than a few generations, but perhaps I’ll need to tweak it further to make it fit Westeros.

The original novel had a ‘central government’ called National Colour, which I replaced with the Ultraviolet Council without really having a clue how that might work. Are they a fully functioning government with a civil service? How does that work with a pseudo-feudal system – local/state and central/federal governments?

I might also want to expand on the merit system, which has much higher stakes in the original novel – if you lose enough merits, you’re sent to Reboot (thus far unexplained in the source material). It’s a means of regulating behaviour that I chose to push to the background, but I think there’s potential here for Brienne to lose faith in a ‘moral code’. Reboot could also be the official story for why the Starks were pushed out, rather than relying on the ‘diluted Purple’ narrative.

On that note, I should probably delve a bit more into how scrap colour works, and the whole economy surrounding it. In the original novel, it’s implied that scrap is basically artificially-coloured relics/trash from the past world (our world).

[adorabledonutunicorn]

New Eyes

CW: Some internalized homophobia

Warning: This is 15 pages on Google Docs so it’s long. This is a combination of poems I’ve written over the past year or so (if my timeline is correct) about realizing and processing through some of my past crushes. It took me til version 4 to shift my perspective and not be ashamed of how I felt about these people. It’s kind of depressing to think that it took me no less than 4 years to get rid of the shame surrounding my sexuality, and even still I have my days, but in this case it makes for a nice arc that comes to accept everything by the end. In case you’re interested here’s a brief background on each person. I’m gonna go off since it’s already the length of a chapter of a book lmao.

1. She is literally the reasons for all of this. She was someone who I’ve known since middle school because we were in the “accelerated math group” together. She was always popular, but something always struck me differently about her. During our sr year of high school I sent her a message on Facebook and we had a few conversations on there. We were the only girls in our math class by this time and tbh we had more conversations online than we ever did in-person...we even sat next to each other in class omfg.

2. This one is about a friend I met in college. She was pretty, full of joy, and has a nice smile so I’m a very simple person when it comes to being attracted to people lol. I forced myself to get over it quickly and I’m thankful we still talk sometimes despite never really hanging out outside of the Christian group we were in lol.

3. Damn, this one’s about the friend referenced in “To see her smile again”. She’s literally just too perfect and the day I realized I got butterflies when she walked into the room was the day I fully realized/accepted that okay there’s more to me than being straight. I still don’t know how or why she loved me so well.

4. This one is about a friend I met in college, literally on the first day I was there. We were both in the same orientation group and were both so awkward we somehow stuck around together all 4 years lmao. Idk if she’s just awkward around me only or everyone, but by the end I could feel some kind of unspoken tension between us, especially after we went to see a play for the theatre class we took that was about Stonewall lol. A part of me wanted to say something but another part of me thought that maybe she was in a different place in the same journey of discovering her sexuality. The funniest part is that on Valentine’s Day I think a year ago we DM’ed on Instagram for 5 hours str8 (gay).

5. Aah yes, just another one of my Twitter crushes. Jk the first Twitter crush oooh! It took me like a good 6 months to fully accept said crush and like another 6 months to fully get over it. Truly I wish her all the best and all the healing.

V1.0

Once upon a time, These eyes grazed the truth

They saw the surface They saw someone With so much purpose

A life with a heart Transcending barriers and A mind with the ability To achieve great things

A person so pure Hiding their true self within Yet solid and confident in Serving

It was this willingness Intelligence Freedom To get lost in music and dance Goodness Integrity That led me to believe You were one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen.

And this, Is the truth that these eyes Could see

Objectively, Honestly, Truthfully, As transparently as Any teacher Any observer Any friend Knew you to be.

Yet still, My mind seems To have forsaken me.

What I know now Is what I failed to admit then What I replay in my head Is what I am slowly learning To accept within

It brings me shame To let these emotions Finally come in

And it brings me pain, Because that's not how I want to remember How and why This was perhaps, the "best" end.

I want to remember The objective observations The person we all saw, Not just me

I want to remember Rightfully, The words you said to me

I want to remember How I tried to look inside you So deeply

And how you gracefully Eloquently Opened up to me.

All I hope Is that these memories mean At least half of what they do to you As they do to me.

Even if I Can now look in this mirror And see, Say these words to myself Breathe And let them be,

I will never forget What you meant To everyone You met.

But because I tried To look so deep Because I tried To love you as you were, As you are I ended up finding something Only these eyes now Could see.

I cannot say That I fell in love With a fantasy

Because love Is so vast and deep

But there was A new feeling inside of me An emotion I would hide Because I never wanted it to be Outside For anyone To see.

I look back at these moments That replay inside my mind From every bathroom anxious tear I cried Unknowingly Became the catalyst For this "why"

Why was I so anxious And afraid? But that won't explain Why did I even feel The way that I did?

I didn't want to I pushed it down So easily It took me almost 5 years To finally accept This story That lingered inside of me.

Once I see A heart, soul, human life To love, I jump in wholeheartedly

Because I guess That is just who I am, Who I was made to be.

But I didn't expect That I'd be here Confronting these Treacherous conflicting feelings That to the casual observer Make it seem like It was all for me, Self-motivated Self-intentioned Just to set my eyes on something I could not define At the time.

If not me If I can't believe it, I hope you know Remember And see That regardless of what I felt The words we never said Still give you more Than a thousand reasons To keep on breathing And to keep on being The beautiful person We all knew You'd grow to be.

V2.0

Imagine What this heart can do Imagine What this heart can feel What these eyes Can see inside Before the mind Redraws the lines.

Imagine God's truth Willfully entering the soul Revealing more

Than I could ever know But all that I feel Is beyond words.

Imagine That what is beyond words Is not beyond shame

In fact, Shame has now met these emotions And tainted this love, The love the Lord has given To this heart of mine

This love that was pure Of good intention Is now questioned, Because of the reality, My reality, The way my mind sees

I can only perceive What these eyes gaze upon And the brain processes, filters, Through its many recognized colors

I cannot see What was not meant for me And what is Beyond me.

With these eyes, Imperfect and perhaps blind, They let me look upon a face Labeling it within me as shame Instead of grace

I used to be able to see, What I thought so innocently, Now a darkened fiend Of what was made A friend

What has now surfaced Became lies What has harbored Is judgment Internally, And nocturnal I have become

This is merely Not what I wanted to see But rather A predator where it meets its prey Onlooking the target Ready to strip Its life away

But here, This life is dignity Of the soul across the room Once the prime and primitive Instincts and defense mechanisms activate, There is no more reason, No way That words will ever be able To explain.

This Feels lost Feels lonely Like no one but me Will understand clearly That I love Deeply Wholly I dare say beautifully Whether or not these feelings Are just my feelings Or beyond Only my reality.

Because reality Is subjective Different between both you and me But somehow still We may find common ground Where the images our minds outline Overlap and see the same

It is here, where more than I Can finally understand. It is here, Where words are no longer the enemy But the potion and antidote To this shame

For this shame Has met humility Vulnerability The courage To be me

Even if The whole world will never know I know the whole world Will never understand, I still stand With my heart tall Convicted with truth Rooted in the Lord's Truth That you are so beyond and Better than beautiful It fills me With awe.

V3.0

These new eyes that have seen Change unfolding Have also seen Love unraveling.

From all the sweetness And fondness Of pure untarnished memories, To what I don't know if I know How to see,

This is me Raw and untouched Naked and ashamed To have loved The friend who was Never meant For me.

Blessed was I To have found one So faithful and kind For once not out of reach But yet still Out of my league With all the riches Of intelligence to joy And of course A smile that was not For the faint of heart to see

I have loved before, For it was here I found love In the purest form First, foremost, Of friendship

It was here Where every good thing That resonated inside me Grew tenfold With this unknown blessing That I had fathomed to know Beyond blessings ever received.

Yet, Little did I know, It took courage To love this way. Selfless Never ill-intentioned I tried to be Until the end.

It was generously That she gave me And so kindly Yet humbly I tried to give back Never feeling like What I gave was enough, As she so gracefully Accepted everything Speaking to me without words It was more than enough.

There is not a single soul That I have met Who could ever be Her Anything like her, Who could also be Or will likely ever be My friend.

It was on the days We left, Where our presences departed Where I had no regrets

But it was then When I realized The sadness and grief Was yet the loss Of love, Including the Lord's Love.

It was she, Who lamentably taught me How butterflies felt Inside me All the way To fear and shame Of this very discovery

As well as The best hugs Any person may probably ever give me.

There is no one like her, And there is no one better for her Than her husband, And this I know, It is he who I know To be faithful, kind, Courageous, righteous, Steadfast and Unconditionally loving

But somehow, I ask the Holy Spirit Did you bring her Here To teach me About love, faithfulness, and joy? Did you bring her Here To show me light in the world Once more? Did you bring her here To have a friend for once, To give me courage to speak, To love a friend deeply? And did you bring her here So that I could love so deeply That I found this part of me?

I can still say To this day That I have No regrets About anything I Have written or said To this friend, The greatest gift, A catalyst For this journey, And the one who gives The best hugs With the sweetest smiles I’ll ever be blessed to receive.

V4.0

Once where A new era began, A seed was planted In the mere probability of our existence

We did not find each other We stumbled upon one another In a way where awkwardness Was the main contributor To our similarities

Yet you stayed And I of course, stayed Somehow we relished In a relieving familiarity

Perhaps, It brought us together For that reason.

But what we had And what we have Has grown from a seed,

Watered, waiting We are here Where I never thought we would be: Friends now far away, Yet still able to relate

But even then What does it mean? It may not mean much of anything.

For a fleeting feeling Lines the nerves of my being Extremities tense While the rest of me at peace

For this is the only awkwardness We have known to overcome, Time and time again, —I never know Where your thoughts go

There is so much to be learned So much we will never know But in each other, We have still grown.

Maybe this is the best feeling I would never have known If I were not able To express it freely

Maybe one day Our lives not our hearts Will collide Telling the same story Of who we were always meant to be.

V5.0

To Jade, A jewel of always Every color but green,

Your story is a wonderful epic, Tales of travels That never grow old

They write an unapologetic narrative Of every highest mountain top And every lowest valley

You have climbed as high Just as much as you Have fallen down and cried

And I, I so wished to see and to learn Of every broken piece to your life That you thought you needed to earn

But I, Even with good intentions Fell into a hole I could not climb

I embraced every part At the expense of my joy Only adding To my despair

But you taught me What strength and courage Could be

To say it is easy To wake up every day Without the one Who loved you most Is irreparable As much as he was irreplaceable

To say the scars it leaves behind Are mere wounds of the flesh to be tended to Would simply be a lie

But still I Fell in love with What it could look like To see you wake up every morning And choose life

For there is nothing more brave As the story you write And continue to write.

I still stand by And wish to look upon your life To see how far you've come

But at least I've passed beyond The emotions I feared would last forever

Back then I was confused Back then I was still learning And I thank you for helping me Find who I am

Even if I can never say I fell as deep for love's sake, If I ever find you Stumble upon Or see you I will find the reddest rose And gift it to you

For the honor and memory of your brother And for the honor and memory of you Because sometimes words Will never be enough To describe what will always Be blooming in you (And how you've allowed me To blossom too).

Conclusion / V1.5

Without what happened that night These essays would never have turned to poems

Without the words we never said I wouldn’t have these reasons why I write

You are still as beautiful as the day I met you And the day I left you when I accepted You will remain a memory, not a friend meant for forever Or even for a second

But still, I do not hesitate To smile and be embarrassed Knowing now all That I did not know then That brings clarity, closure, and an end.

I never loved you But I definitely liked you Enough to zone in on Every beat of your heart

Enough to make you see Who you were always made to be And how worthy you are To be you, To be everything you are.

And so here I remain, Content and at peace Knowing I am allowed To never-more be ashamed.

[askforimagineoroneshot]

Problematic imprint - Part 2 (Paul Lahote x Reader)

buckysjuicyplums: Hi! I’d love to read more of the Problematic Imprint! Maybe it can lead to her discovering more about her wolf form and shifting a lot to build her strength in that form. Possibly it leads up to an event that causes a battle of some sort and Paul is in danger and the reader saves him? Maybe this is a way to spark something in her and her imprinting process on Paul? Idk but I definitely hope to read more! And I’d love to be tagged too in any future parts.

Hi, loves. I am sorry I am posting this so late but I have a reason for it. I was in the middle of my work. Almost finished. And then I lost all of it thanks to Tumblr. So I am sorry. 

I was missing like one sentence and I lost it again. I was about to lose my mind but I finished it! 

But here we are. I hope you like it. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know. I am done with my work. I have time about for two weeks before I go on my vacation. So send requests! I would love to write before I leave. 

MASTERLIST                                                              PART 1

Reader's point of view 

A few months passed since the situation with Paul imprinting on me happened. I would love to say it had gotten better but that would be a lie. I didn't really have an opportunity to talk to him. That is a lot of things going on around the whole pack. 

With Bella's and Edward's child being born I thought that things would settle down. But I was mistaken. Renesme draws the attention of Volturi. They are now coming to Forks. With that new wolfs are turning. Everyone with werewolf blood is turning into its full perspective. 

In that means children are changing into wolfs. Many new members of the pack don't know what is happening. It is hard for a grown person, I can not imagine what these children are going through. 

With all that happening no one has time to teach a grown woman when there are children that can't control themselves. I have to do everything myself. Which is fine with me. I did that all my life. 

But someone thinks that I need help. And that person is no other than Paul. I don't know why he thinks I am not good enough for this pack but it's getting to me. Slowly but still. I am trying to hold myself. 

I training all the time I manage to get for myself. I go out there where a human wouldn't dare to go. Deep in the woods. There when I know it is safe, when I know I am not followed by anyone. Not even by my pack. I take the path thought the river to make sure. 

I am getting stronger. At the begging. I was able to do almost anything. Now it is getting slower. I am losing control over my wolf side. I don't know what is happening. I don't know who should I tell. Without being a disappointment. 

That is why I am running to my safe place. Where I have space and quiet that I need to understand myself. What is happening to me. Or why is it happening? 

From there I am getting back to the house. In my jeep. I got a text from Seth that we had new kids that changed. When I got the text I got ready to get back. I am two minutes from the house. 

Paul's point of view

“We are almost there,” Seth told me through the cellphone. 

“Okey. I am waiting with Sam for you.” I answered and put my phone in my pocket. I looked around myself. House was quiet. Almost at no one was here. 

It was so weird for this to happen. And it kept happening more often. With more members kept coming quieter it gets here. It doesn't make sense to me. It is making me go insane. 

And the member I want to have close to me, my imprint, was always somewhere. Anywhere that where I am. Which is hard to accept. It is not comfortable and it is not safe. Not in a situation like this. 

From a technical point, it is making me weaker. I don't know what effect it has on Y/N because she is never here. And I don't know if I care anymore. She doesn't. This whole situation is like a curse. 

“I am here.” talking about a wolf. 

“Where have you been?” I asked right away. 

I am angry and I am not going to hide it. What point would that have? I see her get out of her big car. I can smell her sweat. What the hell is going on here! Where is she all this time? Why? 

I can't smell anyone else on her. Thank god. I would lose my mind. I don't know what would happen. Would I be able to control myself? I never felt like this before. And I don't like this situation. I need to have control over me. Especially in a situation like this. We are going to war with the elite of the oldest vampires in the world!!

“Since when do you care?” she was not happy with the way I talked to her. I should not talk to her like that. She is my imprint. The most important person to me in the world. But she is not giving me a choice. 

“Do  you even know what responsibility means?” I say to her when I get close to her. 

I hear a car in the distance so I don't give her a space to answer. I look in the direction. “We here!” Seth shouts out of his old car. I don't look back at her and just go close to Seth. 

I got to his car to see who he brings with him. There are two people in his car. Well, people are a strong word. Two children. One is a girl. Fantastic. That is what a pack needs right now. Another girl just like Y/N. Some so stubborn. Does it get better? 

“Sam is inside,” I tell him. “Take them there.” Seth doesn't answer but does what I said. 

I turn to my imprint. She is not looking at me at the moment. She is just standing there looking somewhere I can not see. I don't need more. Just to be close to her. I wish that she would only let me. That she would let me protect her. Her messy hair looks so soft. I just want to touch that Y/H/C waterfall. But she wouldn't let me. 

I tried to get closer to her. But she is just Y/N. The stubborn woman that wouldn't let me. She is my imprint so I worry about her. I want to be close to her. But there is just this wall I always hit before I get any closer. 

“You should go with them.” I get her attention. She looks at me but she does not look happy. “You need to train to.” I try to explain myself.

It does not go well. I can feel her get angry at me. 

Reader's point of view

“I know it is hard for you to accept but I don't need your help or anyone else. I train myself. And maybe your ego will be hurt by this but I am not a little girl that needs protection all the time.” I turn around and go to my car.

I hear him move. He is following me but that doesn't stop me. I get to my car and I am about to open a door but his hand stops me. 

“Where are you going. Again.” he doesn't look angry. I look in his big eyes and I just can't read them. I don't know why. It is scaring me.

“I have to take care of something.” I lie to him and it does nothing to me. Like he is not close to me. I don't know what to do to change this. Is it something wrong with me?

“Something more important than a battle that will take place here? Something more important then preparing for that battle?” he is getting angry with me. Or at least he is looking like he is getting angry with me. 

“I am getting ready for that battle.” Now I am angry too. “I not a pub. I don't need to train with them.” I get inside my car and I drove away. 

I look back at Paul in the mirror. He looks disappointed. Not angry but sad. It almost got to me but I remembered why I got angry. I feel like he is not taking me seriously. Like I am a child and he treats me that way. 

And this is how it always ends. We fight over something stupid. We can't get close to each other. Like there is this wall I always hit. And I don't know who is causing it. 

TIMESKIP

Reader's point of view

With more vampires coming to our town more nervous I am. I don't really know how to recognize a monster from a friend. I thought that red eyes were the giveaway but no. Edward said that even a vampire with red eyes can be a friend. 

So now I am really confused. I don't know what to do. What if I meet one I don't remember seeing. Like right now. I am looking at two vampires with red eyes and I don't remember them. I am alone. I am in my wolf form but still. 

I wait here, far from them, without them knowing about me for twenty minutes. Until I hear Jacob in my head. 

Don't attack them! Wait for me! I am coming!

I can say he is in a rush to get to me and I can tell he is not alone. But not alone in a way I want to. He is with two young boys that he was just training. He is coming with the pubs. 

They are not welcomed here? I will deal with them. Stay with pubs away from this!

My place in the pack is to protect young ones and to protect our territory. And that is why I start to move. I have to get to them as fast as I can. Vampires can be really fast and if they know about me before I want them to it is over. They will get away. 

But they don't run. They turn to me. They see me but they don't run. That is something I did not count with. Maybe they know how to fight werewolf like I don't know how to fight a vampire. 

Something inside me snaps. I don't know what it is. Maybe it is because I am in real danger for the first time since I turned. I am not sure. But something takes over my body. My blood is on fire and my heart is pounding inside my chest like never before. 

I don't know why but I know what to do. How to fight them even when there are two of them. I get control over the situation so when Jacob gets here they are running for their lives. 

Jacob is trying to get before me. Maybe to protect me. Maybe because he is stronger. But I am faster than before. I am surprised and he is for sure too. We don't get far before Cullens are here and take over the situation. 

There is a conversation going on but I don't pay attention. I am taking everything in. I look around myself. I see better than before. The colours look better now. I hear much better two. 

My senses got better when I turned. I was better than any human. But now. It is like I fell into a new world. I leave vampires behind me and I turn around. I am slowly leaving. Jacob goes with me. So do pubs. 

What happened? I can hear Sam in my head. I mean I could hear other members before and well but now I could feel them. 

New vampires. Edward is taking over the situation. I answer even when I know I was not the one asked. 

I am still in shook. I don't understand what is happening to me. Do I even want to? All I want is Paul. And this never happened before. I am scared and I don't want to feel alone. I want him close to. I need to know that he is here.

I am really confused. What is wrong with me. How did I just change? Is it normal? Will someone from the pack help me understand? Is there something to understand?

Paul is not far from me. And he is coming closer to me. I want to be closer to him to but I just can't go faster. I don't know why. I just feel tired. 

And there he is. I can see him in far. His big wolf head. And then I feel it. My legs give up and I let out a wail. The world before my eyes changes. Like he is the only thing that is left here. The only thing that I can focus on right now. He is the only thing that is holding me here. Nothing else matter.

Y/N! I hear his voice in my head. That gets me back. That makes my soul return to my body. I look up above myself and I see him. This time it is different. I don't just see him. I feel him more than I am able to feel myself. I see his soul. And there is nothing in this whole world I would love to see more. 

TIMESKIP 

Paul's point of view

I am sitting inside our house with Y/N in my arms. Only the old members of the pack are around us. Pubs are out. We need to take care of Y/N and that is not something I want them near for. 

“What is happening to me?” her weak voice makes look at her. 

She is scared and I am scared for her. I know there is nothing I will not protect her from but this is different. Can I protect her now? When no one knows what just happened to her. 

The only thing I can do for her is to hold her close to my body. And she is letting me to do that. What more she wants me to do that. 

“You just finished your transformation.” Quill said behind us when he walked inside.

“What?” Jacob asked. I couldn't. The only thing I was able to focus on was Y/N. It was so different now. Like I finally got to her. I felt everything I imagined to fell when I heard about imprinting. 

“I heard about it before but I never saw it.” he was surprised like everyone else. “She did change before, she was werewolf before but her soul was still holding to her human side. When she got to danger her soul finally let go. And that was a problem that stood between her and Paul when he imprinted. He was not able to reach her soul with his. When her soul let go he got to her. When her soul was ready she was ready to imprint. That is what happened to you.” 

He told everyone. All the fear fall of me. Now that I finally got my imprint with me I am not letting anything or anyone between us. Not even Voltury. 

[smores100]

once again we’re in full agreement lol. What’s your take on s3 remakes you’ve watched? Wondering how you feel about Skam FR as it’s kind of a similar situation to me where the chemistry & beauty is there but the writing and style is iffy (overwrought &overdramatic). My favorite s3 is druck. As a wlw I had high hopes for españa but it was p slow/v desexualized—a whole discussion, but my other gay friend & I were disappointed given how remakes with guys don’t hold back in that respect.. Thoughts?

Honestly re: wtfock tho I really do wonder if they had like one good writer in the room surrounded by fools. Bc it really does feel like some group projects I’ve been in where I feel like I’m the only one who’s not a fucking fool and carry the whole thing while having to fend off bad ideas (but when the majority rules, those bad ideas/execution get put in). I wonder if that’s what happened w wtfock.

re: wtfock, lol group projects are the worst….idk what wtfock’s writing process was like, but i’d love to know it. according to their wiki there were 3 writers this season? all seem to be male, naturally. did the two other writers have good ideas but there was a main writer who overruled them and did his own thing? or maybe they’re the rl one brain cell squad, that would explain a lot :p in any case, i’m unimpressed (friday’s clips did not help with that).

as for the other part of your ask….oh damn i have so many Thoughts on that, lol. this is probably gonna get long and messy, but you asked for it!

* druck - my absolute favorite. it’s the only one i’ve watched since s1, so that definitely played a part in my emotional investment and attachment. still, there was more to it than that. it was the closest to og imo in vibe and style (it felt small, real, lowkey, quiet, natural like og, as opposed to - as you said - overwrought and overdramatic + overproduced like the others); they cast an actual trans guy to play a trans character, if you wanna talk about a skam remake doing something REVOLUTIONARY? druck is the one; i loved matteo’s and david’s characterizations, how they both had a bit of isak and even in them, and the role reversal in some scenes, made things feel fresh *and* fit their characters/story; i LOVE that teens matteo and david were played by actual teens michi and lukas!! they’ve completely ruined me for all other remakes, bc thissssss is how it’s supposed to be! thisssss is how it should look like! THEY ARE KIDDOS. and they (druck and michi/lukas) truly captured what it’s like to be young and fall in love for the first time, the awkwardness and the nervousness and stuttering and fumbling around, the softness and pureness and innocence of it all!!! also they have THE BEST dynamic - other people might prefer all the hot kissing and steamy making out and the smouldering looks, but me? i just couldn’t get enough of their dumb chaotic energy, best friends who love each other deeply and are also constantly little shits to one another. gimme them pranking each other and playfighting every day! and then being soft and THE HANDS and matteo being a clingy koala basking in david’s affection :3 i also loved how for the most part they didn’t just copy/paste og’s storyline, they made some changes and knew how to make *other* changes accordingly for it to make sense and fit the story *they* were telling - for example, replacing the ‘call your gf’ scene with matteo’s panic attack/breakdown (one of my fave scenes), or their reunion at the end of ep 7 (replacing the desperate kissing + sex with a comforting and relieved yet also bittersweet and melancholic hug), or even matteo getting advice from his drug dealer instead of the school’s doctor, lol. also THE BEST BOY SQUAD, hands down. and matteo is my favorite isak bc to me he felt like his own character instead of just another isak, he was different and reletable and a constant Mood. that being said - it wasn’t perfect and it had its issues. there were a few times when i did feel they stuck too close to og scenes and it didn’t *entirely* work for me, just felt a bit off; i will forever be disappointed that they didn’t directly address and acknowledge matteo’s mental state/depression, bc there were enough signs imo to indicate that he did suffer from something. they mentioned ‘therapy’ in mia’s, alex’s and kiki’s cases, i truly thought they would with matteo as well, but alas, they dropped the ball on that one; i was extremely upset with david’s outing, but i’ve since calmed down and have managed to see it in a more positive light, tho i still have mixed feelings about it and am not fully on board with that decision, still wish it had been done differently (but at least! it wasn’t brushed off and was addressed immediately and eventually led to david having agency and yelling out his pain!!! which was good and important and cathartic); also eps 8 and 9 were pretty messy writing-wise, things either didn’t make sense or would’ve made more sense had the clips were organized differently (that random ping pong clip….?). overall tho, the good outweighed the bad, and it remains my fave

* skam france - now that’s a tricky one. the way i felt about it in the first half of the season, is different from the way i felt about it in the second half of the season, is different from the way i feel about ever since watching druck’s s3. it’s funny you should say how similar it is to wtfock for you, bc i’ve been thinking the same thing for quite some time. those neighboring countries sure have a shared flair for the dramatic! fr’s s3 was pretty much the first s3 i watched (i gif-watched half of skamit, couldn’t get into it). i wasn’t planning to (i was extremely unimpressed by the couple of s1 eps i tried watching, and same by axel’s acting in those first two seasons), but even is the loml and they got me gooood with their eliott pov trailer, which might have affected my excitement over it during the first half. back then i really enjoyed it for the most part, despite some clips being rushed or missing the point thus not fully having the required effect (their locker room scene, for example, or the ‘generalizations are bad’ convo), or how much i hated basile (a character so obviously written by a man it’s amazing), or the cheesy piano music. there were enough good things for me to focus on instead (more in a bit) that i could ignore the things i didn’t like or weren’t as good imo. however, all the positivity got sucked out of me when yann noped tf out after lucas came out to him bc WAY TO MISS THE POINT OF SKAM!!! and things went downhill after the director’s IT’S NOT DISNEYLAND IT’S FRANCE 2019 comment. i’m getting all upset just thinking about it, but to say *that*, to explain that horrendous decision bc lowkey homophobic reactions are realistic!!! only to THEN be all ‘haha jk yann isn’t homophobic! we just wanted you to *think* he was! he’s actually an awesome friend who took several days to reflect on all his past wrongdoings while his bff was at home having a nervous breakdown bc he believed his bff hated him!’ ughhhhhhhhh, miss me with that shit. great that they had yann apologizing for his past comments, but the way in which it was done was for pure shock value and angst, completely ooc for his character (all season he was all ‘tell me tell me tell me let me help let me help let me help’ only to do *that*?? nahh), and interesting how out of everyone the only black character was the only one with a negative reaction (remind you of anyone), highlighted even more during ep 7 aka the ott lucas coming out tour. then ep 8, that should have been 100% all lucas and eliott and building up to eliott’s manic episode suddenly had that weird random pov changing clip in the middle of it which truly wtf, basile was still basile, lucas thanked chloe for outing him, more scenes felt rushed, they had sex in school where people could come and go in front of huge windows in broad daylight and luckily didn’t get poisoned from licking all that paint! and i did not like the flatshare, i absolutely hated mika and lisa kicking lucas out of his room - which he pays rent for! - and manon not even trying to put up a fight, and them being like ‘roommate isn’t just a place, it’s a way of living. that’s a family, and you’re more like a cousin.’ ‘a second cousin.’ ughhhhhh and then when eliott was recovering from his depressive episode, they *still* didn’t give lucas his room back or at least let eliott stay there, he was sleeping on the couch, i’m aldjlajdafj. can’t believe i’m gonna say it, but TAKE NOTES FROM WTFOCK. tl;dr there were some good moments in the second half, but i was feeling bitter more often than not about certain things, so my enjoyment wasn’t as high as when it first started. and after watching druck, druck’s brand is definitely much more my style. plus, i was already struggling with making myself believe axel and maxence were in their teens, but after druck it’s completely impossible, so i just pretend they’re in college or something lol. all my issues with it aside, i’d still rate it higher than wtfock, bc overall the writing was better, more coherent, and made much more sense. i also liked lucas’ friendship with the girls; i loved that instead of copying the underwater kiss + 21:21 like some others have, they came up with their own thing i.e. polaris, which i thought was lovely; the lucas/manon crying in the middle of the night together in front of the tv was one of my fave scenes of the season; also love how we were introduced to eliott on the first week! and they spent time together! and specifically the piano playing scene, ohhhh; and in general elu are sweet and i reeeeally like axel and maxence and their friendship. so yeah, it had some major issues, but i’d rather have a coherent story with something done for shock value and drama ONCE than an incoherent story with several shock value moments.

* skam espana - sorry to hear you girls were disappointed! i only watched half of it, so i can only comment on what i saw. i decided to binge watch s1 and give s2 a shot when i heard they were giving cris isak’s story - it felt a bit weird to me, but it was also something different and new, and i did have an appreciation for their decision to have a wlw season (also much more revolutionary to me than showing a gay bashing), so i was intrigued and willing to try it. sadly i didn’t really vibe with s1? it’s totally a personal preference i think, maybe even a cultural thing idk, but it felt very fast and loud and hectic to me, idrk how to explain it. i was just more into the chill more lowkey vibe of druck and skamnl. but i still gave s2 a shot, and idk, it still wasn’t my cup of tea. i thought it was ok for the most part, but there were some things that bothered me - joana/cris felt underdeveloped to me? and things b/w them felt like they were moving so fast from the second they met, like jona was so intense and forward ALL THE TIME, they had like 6 almost kisses in a really short time, like shhh slow down. i remember disliking their ‘call your gf’ scene, it felt really petty and kinda mean to me? bc i felt like joana came on to cris *really* strongly and *very* frequently, so cris was more than entitled to feel hurt and betrayed when she found out joana had a bf, but then cris was kissing a dude and joana positioned herself and her bf in front of cris so she’d see them kissing too, and i just didn’t like bc seriously?? cris is valid, just apologize to her and explain?? idr much else tbh, they had some really cute and sweet scenes afterwards, i’m still against doing the underwater kiss + 21:21 so i was kinda meh about that (tho aesthetically speaking it was BEAUTIFUL, and i’m like, fiiiiine girls deserve an underwater kiss too, i’ll allow it just this once!), and that cuddling clip in ep 6 i think was sweet and the last one i watched. like i said, i was less vibing with this remake, and iirc it was going on during druck’s s3 and skamnl’s s2 - which were my faves, plus skamfr was on too i think and i was lowkey following it too, so….there was just too much all at once and something had to go, and it was skamesp. it was also around the time when panaphobia-gate happened, so *shrugs* i’m not wlw myself so your opinion on it being desexualized is probably more valid than mine? i just know when i did watch, there was a lot of kissing and making out and being cute and touchy with each other, so i thought it was ok? as i’ve mentioned before, i don’t need to see a naked butt or anything like that to *get* it lol, i thought they were lovely! but that’s just me. i will say that my faaaave part was most definitely the cris/amira friendship. they were so wonderful! one of the best skam friendships imo. i might one day go back and finish the season just for the heck of it, but they didn’t do anything major or highly offensive that made me have negative feelings towards it, it was just a personal preference + circumstances (too many remakes!) that made me be less into it and drop it before the end.

[madfantasy]

Dear Blogging

Hello dears, how have you been? I am re-energized, still open for commissions and under good pressure. Will talk endlessly about those, heh.

★How do I feel now after all this time trying to convince myself to not sink and stay afloat beyond the depth— that has no prosperous outcome to dive into— but cause more ache and suffering.. was empty, and now under a different surge of energy — mercifully weightless.

I was burnt out, streched thin, out of my mind with indecisive grief and had no reason to dream anew. Sounds hurtful to the ear but it was better to me than storms that uproot their surroundings and bring an end to perhaps a growing needed tedious process of repair. And it is what I am going under right now.

I suppose it means no more inktober daily for me. I was feeling uncertain with my art before but three days into it I have hated the guts of it. The influence of that horrendous dismay has brought down everything right along with it. Dishing out art like that whilst being under the pressure of time mixed with others things were the least constructive thing I needed to do in an already strained state— I knew it will be all-round draining but thought I needed a distraction— fell into destruction instead. And that what I have tried to depict in the last sketch to express myself. I feel I could have done more if I wasn't scrambling to post it before midnight: The absent of balance (the hand) has brought out the worst in me; the spotlight shone excessively until it paled the whole picture and focused only on the thickest part of it. Shadows consumed the light, while reviving me—in the darkness I have yet to create, but cannot see the results. Which have broken my spirit, but my work is there, visible, and to me has a glow of its own and fight to appear against the engulfing black.

I'm sorry for casting my worries wordlessly as such. Speaking is too harder of a task when I find myself in distressed or in such baseless trance. It's like having a mouthful of unpleasantness that you can't either swallow or spit out. And usually with force comes out like incoherent garble. (In my case, I write poems instead of talking cuz that's all I can think of, I can't do it any other time which is one of my strange cases, heh)

That being said, I never thought to do self expressing things before- and when I do, I usually erase them before I finish... but because I came through in the middle of doing it—it was a good experience. In a way, it urged me look for brushes. And while doing so I found me a new Master to study their artwork in awe, seeing their skill picked me up my dwindling desires because I found in them something I want to achieve in my artwork. Even if I feel like a dunderhead in comparison hehe, and don't link with the subject of their artwork, the feel of it is amazing. That's what I need in life, something to hit you in the face because of its present and not its title or what it is representing. Such happy chance.

★I have posted that I'm still open for commissions, but did not explain myself. It's got everything to do with wanting to improve my art in any way. I want to do art in greater, clearer picture quality. And the more I increase the resolution, the more the strokes of my brush slows. And I love CSP and would love to dive more into it, but I can't do much on it as it often lags if things got heavy, I tried everything out there to resolve those issues, got nothing so far.

I got an email from the library here encouraging to pre-order the new iPad. So I thought oh yeah people use it for art-ing and always heard how it did replace most of their art gear. So I have done lots of research and I find it so appealing especially with CSP and other apps I wanna try. I haven't seen its price until the very end and it did knock me through three walls whilst very much expecting it to be high, heh. So I'd like to get me one. I already have an app for a specific thing to do in it, like an app for painting and other for drawing and so on. Idk I can't try it without buying so it's a huge leap of faith hehe.

★Thank you for reading my blabber. You're amazing, wonderful and deserve the best in life. You can bring everything you visualize to life because it came to light in your mind, from the talents within you, awaiting your command to flourish, you are the tool to build it. I believe and trust in you to get over the burdens and follow the graceful pitter-patter of your heart wishes as it speeds at the mention of your desires. And if you can't see them, please try to listen, your consciousness often does speak to you, pay attention and you will see the jewel encrusted in you glitter, reflecting who you are and who you can be. Let it be you on the outside, want that success with your all, and don't allow the rule of mere mortals diminish you, your dreams, and everything you stand and believe in. I'm sorry you had the rough times, I'm sorry when there was no one to listen, I'm sorry for the precious tears you shed, bless your tolerance, you brave brave soul. It's hard, but sometimes it's all a must to form you, to shape you for your approaching destiny. You're one your way, bless your efforts and wish you a good night/day my dears 💛🌟.

[musings-on-bucky-barnes]

Q&A Part 3 with Owlet about The Infinite Coffee & Protection Detail series

Here is Part the Third of Owlet answering questions about The Infinite Coffee & Protection Detail series and also about her other writing. Some of the questions are from readers of the first Q&A, and some come from a Tumblr post of suggested questions for writers.

Warning for discussion of rape.

OWLET'S NOTE:

Thanks for all the cheers and good wishes on part 2! I'm glad people think the behind-the-scenes stuff is interesting and not just me being a windbag.

I was delighted that so many of you seem interested in my novel! It's not available anywhere yet: I still have to find an agent, and who knows how the heck long that's going to take? (I am NOT cut out for self-publishing.) But I certainly hope it'll find a home. If you want to keep up with me on tumblr (vmohlere) or twitter (virginiamohlere), I assure you that when such time comes, I will scream about it a LOT.

Pink floaty hearts, y'all.

  Reader questions:

From EssayOfThoughts:

 I know that you say that you like to imagine AOU doesn't exist, but I will admit (because I find Wanda deeply compelling and the twins story as a whole very interesting) that I've wondered a lot about how your Bucky would deal with the Maximoff twins? Like, on the one hand there's Wanda's ability to mess with minds, which he'd hate, but simultaneously (at least according to the AOU prelude comic) the twins was effectively radicalised by HYDRA while they were pretending to be SHIELD and expected to be their weapons which is not wholly dissimilar to Nat or Bucky. So if you're willing to acknowledge AOU just enough to ponder this I'd really like to know your thoughts! If not, of course, I understand.

Wanda’s not a character I’ve given much thought to. You’re right that her abilities would freak Barnes out. But he has a strict policy of observation before reaction, so he would give them a chance. And they’re so young (and so broken) that his protective instincts would kick in. I think they could probably count on some wary kindness, along with a dose of irritation at Pietro’s shenanigans.

From Ev42:

 Thing I can't stop thinking about today: babies. Specifically, Bucky + baby = ???

 I personally am a sucker for "Steve knows nothing, Bucky's a pro" thing re: babies. Mix that up with the Mission and the Briefing and what would we get? I keep think about, idk, maybe Sam has a niece or nephew, or one of the Olds has a grandchild or grandniece or something, and I just really want your thoughts on Bucky + baby... Please?

Barnes would be too worried about inadvertently hurting an infant to be willing to touch one, though he likes the directness of slightly older kids.

If in the presence of Steve trying to deal with an infant, the Briefing would definitely have a lot of commentary about everything he was doing wrong.

From Fred1085:

 I guess if I had one question though it would be: Do you always see Bucky existing as Barnes, the Briefing, and the Mission, or do you see a time in his future in which those aspects of him would be more integrated. Not through the magical Asgaridan science, but through his own force of will/healing?

  He definitely does become more integrated over time. The Mission is a protective identity, and as he needs it less, it recedes. The Briefing is literally his memories, which he does recover many of over time, though that’s a long and painful process. There’s a lot of regression throughout the long-term forward progress. But he keeps some of the habits, like “confirm” and “deny.”

 MusingsOnBuckyBarnes:

 After “This, You Protect”, the Mission went to ground so to speak for a bit and Bucky was distressed at its loss, at it not communicating with him. But over time as he heals and it recedes, he wouldn’t be so upset?

Exactly. When the Mission’s going quiet is part of the organic process of healing, he misses it but isn’t upset by its loss.

From stentorian_lore_n:

 Did Bucky and Steve ever make a donation to Sam's VA?? :)

Yes, of course! But Sam had to be bullied into buying a better chair for himself, because he wanted all the money to go to programs.

There’s a lot of red tape involved with how much money the center can receive in donations, so Steve & Bucky give that much each year, even much later, when Sam does in fact move to NYC to become an Avenger.

From englishghosts:

 Also, since you're taking questions, I'd like to ask you something. (TW RAPE)

Although Bucky suffering sexual abuse and torture "for fun" during his time with HYDRA makes perfect sense in my head (70 years in the hands of powerful white men who had complete control over him, it's difficult to imagine nobody got ideas), especially with the imagery of the bank scene, it's something we don't see that often in fics outside certain areas of fandom. I'm really glad you included this, because for me it not only makes it more realistic, but also it brings an extra layer into Bucky reclaiming himself and being comfortable with touching and his feelings for Steve. So the question is what made you decide to include it in this fic?

Like you say, powerful men with a powerful man under their complete control, over the course of 70 years – to me, it’s a given that among the many abuses he suffered was sexual abuse. It was always part of the character, for me, one of the many layers that he needed to work through to reclaim both his body and his self.

I started to think that the romantic-physical relationship with Steve was an inevitable part of Barnes’s healing process, because he and Steve really just do love each other SO much. The more I thought about it, the more I could see that given the style that I’d set up, writing Barnes’s reactions to things kind of obliquely, would be SUPER FUN for writing about bodies and sex. I cackled my whole way through writing that section.

And, you know, there were a lot of commenters who were like “hey man where’s the smut?” – a few of them NOT SO NICELY. I’m glad I stuck it in its own section, though, because I know there are also a lot of people who like to only read the gen parts.

From Selkieinthesea:

How did you come up with the curses? My favorite is “Lenin’s pickled scrotum.” It makes me laugh every time I think of it. I’d use it, but I have toddlers so then I’d have to explain what pickling is, what a scrotum is and why you’d pickle one.

That is a mystery and a blessing from the part of my brain from which jokes arise. Every one of them delighted me. “Lenin’s pickled scrotum” hearkens back to college jokes in Russian History class about how they embalmed Lenin with a mixture of Twinkie filling and maraschino cherry juice, and of course scrotums are always hilarious, I don’t know how people who have them even deal.

from Ev42 (about the fic “Love Is for Children”):

 Nicholas. Anything to do with Nick Fury? Bc I think that'd make his faking-my-death-without-telling-Natasha sting that much more. Ouch.

 I'm trying to imagine how Nicholas meeting the gang would go. I... have no idea? Barnes would bake, of course, but what? The Olds would be happy. Barton already knows. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what the hurt/happy ratio for the rest would be

I actually have a tiny bit of this written out – it was originally going to be another piece of ICaPD, but I couldn’t get it to have any kind of arc to it, and the pacing was just BALLS.

Anyhow, yes, Nicholas is named after Nick Fury. His sperm donor is no one of import, and the only one of the Avengers who knows about him is Clint.

The snippet I never wrote involved Bad Guys kidnapping Nicholas & Steve/Barnes/Nat/Clint/Sam going on a rescue mission.

In this universe, Nat & Clint have a couple of Barton-Romanoffs, of whom Nicholas is the first (Clint adopts him). Tony & Pepper likewise have several kids in this universe.

  The remaining questions are from a “Fanfiction Writer Asks” Tumblr post by criminal-minds-fanfiction:

Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

I haven’t written a reader-insertish kind of thing since I wrote a Duran Duran scifi AU when I was 14 years old. Original characters are where it’s at.

What is your favourite genre to write for?

Fantasy, for sure. Tho romance tends to worm its way into most of my stuff.

If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

I think This, You Protect has better pacing than The Long Road Begins at Home, and writing it helped me fall back in love with writing.

If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

Um. Maybe my Loki poem? Tho I don’t think it’s necessarily bad.

When is your preferred time to write?

First thing in the morning, tho I’m grateful to be able to write almost any time. In the past couple of years, I've gotten into writing into the notepad on my phone, so I literally write any- and everywhere.

Where do you take your inspiration from?

Absolutely everywhere.

In your xxx fic, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote? [Any of your Bucky fics]

The chapter of Team-Building Exercises where Barnes & Pepper go to France is something I’m so proud of. I think I did pretty well with the action and the pacing in that one, and I love writing Pepper.

Their first Thanksgiving, with the Sandwich of Suffering, is also a favorite.

In your xxx fic, why did you decide to end it like that? Did you have an alternative ending in mind? [The Long Road Begins at Home]

It was always going to go Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving.

If you write OC’s, how do you decide on their names?

ARGH NAMES. What a pain. Second only to titles in terms of terribleness. I try to roll a few names around and chew on them until I find the one that feels right.

Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

I have notes for 3 more sections of Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail – one that’s pure fluff, one that’s an action scene, and one at the very end of their lives. But I dunno. For one thing, the last one is unbearably sad. And I don’t really have Barnes’s voice in my head anymore. I think it’s time to be done.

More about the action scene is answered in response to a reader question in the previous section. The Sad Ending is just too far off in tone that it doesn’t fit the series at all, so let’s leave it in a dark drawer. But Barnes & Steve live for a very long time and remain faithful to the successive generations of their Avengers family. And when they go, they reach the end of the line together.

The fluff scene is CAT JACK and will post on Friday, June 7. (it's not a full story, just a snippet)

Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

The epilogue chapter of This, You Protect has some cute jokes, but it’s pretty weird, and I kind of wish I’d left it off.

Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Depends on the day. I definitely like music when I’m Pondering, though.

How do you feel about writing smutty scenes?

LOVE IT

Do people know you write fanfiction?

People know about my MCU fic, yes.

What’s your favourite minor character you’ve written?

That’s like asking about my favorite child!! Hill is definitely up there on the list, though. Hair Club in general was fun to have around.

Has anyone ever guessed the plot twist of one of your fics before you posted it?

I wish I could remember what it was, but yes. That was really fun.

If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Smut, because I think the best smut is also really emotional, so it’s not like cutting out angst, fluff, or anything else.

xXx

The link to the full list of questions for fanfic writer is here:

http://criminal-minds-fanfiction.tumblr.com/post/172926526725/fanfiction-writer-asks

(EDIT: link appears to be maybe-broken?)

[valerepoet]

A few days ago, I had a really severe pain bloom in my right shoulder blade. Typically, it's my left one that goes numb, but this time it was my right. But something happened right after that was so, so scary. The pain extended to my spine and I was just unable to move without feeling excruciating pain. I could barely breathe. My right arm was shaking and unusable for the pain and numbness. And I was in the middle of a work shift. I couldn't bend my spine at all and my coworker sent me straight home. I literally could not lay down in any position to help ease discomfort. I was in pain regardless of what position I was in. The next day was better, but I could not bend at all, and I relied quite heavily on my cane. My spine still hurts. But its manageable now. But I still cant bend too much or lift a lot. It was pretty shocking to feel this.

It's part of an ongoing issue that I'm about to undergo tests for, but this felt like a physical trauma. It felt like something slammed into my back and fucked it up. I'm still reeling from it.

If it's not my legs, it's my back, if it's not that, it's my arms. I'd it's not that, it's my throat, my foot, etc. This is driving me insane. But I still feel ridiculous for seeking a diagnosis.

It took my mom almost a year to come to terms with this about me. She couldn't face the knowledge that I was deteriorating physically in such a way that the strongest possibility behind it is a neurological condition. It was hard on our relationship. It wasn't until I had this acknowledged by a doctor did she really face it.

I'm living with this shit, and I'm that person who always downplays shit and pushes through. So my understanding of what is happening to me is different to how othere perceive it. Its irritating to me most of the time. Stressful. Rarely scary, like this recent example. But to others, just mentioning the symptoms horrifies them. And I feel surprised that they feel that way. Maybe I'm desensitized. But my aunt on my dad's side caught wind and she's been freaking out. She's a nurse, been one her entire adult life, so she is intimately aware of people with problems. And what I'm going through is freaking her out and she's telling my dad. My dad has previously been flippant about it and I've been sarcastic to him cause I dont expect him to care. But since his sister has been explaining it to him, he's been freaking out and trying to communicate with me.

Its stressful cause I dont know what I want from him. Do I want him to respect me as an adult and say i can handle it? Do i want him to dote on me and ask me about it? Do i want him start caring? Everything he does pisses me off now, and neither of us can win. I just wish he didnt start caring now all of a sudden so I didnt have to think about it.

But everyone is treating me as if I'm terminally ill and its stressful. They're freaking out. I've been living with these flares for a while. I've complained about them. I've talked about them in depth. But as soon as it's a real possibility that it's a neurological condition rather than simply "poor health", then they get scared? Idk it bothers me and just. Makes me start to freak out. Makes what I'm going through seem less normal. And I mean.

It isn't normal. But it's been my normal. And the thing is, my family is full of people with issues, and we're used to just shrugging them off. So its normal for me to shrug off what I'm going through. It's been a slow process of shrugging off symptom after symptom, as I slowly get worse and worse. It crept up on me, this desensitization.

I still feel ridiculous, because my symptoms aren't normally dramatic despite the name and neat explanation that the internet gives. I have trouble swallowing. It's called Dysphagia. My foot sometimes doesnt work. Drop foot. It's difficult to breathe for a reason other than asthma? We thought it was my back being out. Nope, turns out it's likely nerve damage. I am feeling these things and so much more. But I feel ridiculous for treating it seriously. I've been dealing with Dysphagia for over a year now. I didnt realize it was that at first. I just thought I was dissociating so hard I couldn't feel it when I chewed, so I choked a lot. I had already gotten used to it when I found out what it actually was. When everyone else finally accepts it (because I've talked about my trouble swallowing the whole time) they are suddenly worried about how I eat. I'm irritated i think. Validated. Tired. Scared.

I'm sorry, I just needed to dump. It's been a really hard month for me, physically, and I've been stressing so hard about it. I rarely cry from pain. Almost never, used to. But the last year, I'm certain I've cried almost entirely due to physical pain. This last week, the flare has just amplied so hard on me and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.