#ITS FUCKED UP. but whatever forget about it i'll save that for another post. for now we can all just look at this silly man isn't he cute

[rpfofficial]

was originally just gonna post screenshots of his facial expressions at the end but his cringefail obliviousness is kind of hilarious as well as harrowing. Mr goodsir you are so very english. and so very autistic

[kibbles-bits]

any voxval fics you’d recommend?

Ah, yes, voxval fics... The one ship that finally made me cave and read explicit stuff. I am now numb to everything.

Everything.

I'll only be posting completed fics. Warnings, almost all of these are explicit. A couple also have Angel, you know, suffering.

And please mind the tags.

First off is a couple of favs that I always go back for a reread:

Corrupted Love by DoveFactory (Words: 149,495)

In a moment of blind desperation to one-up Alastor, Vox puts himself in a compromising situation that leaves him worse for wear. His state triggers something in Valentino who decides to change the nature of their relationship.

The title and summary of this is so misleading I thought it was going to be a dark fic but nope. The Vees are a bunch of goobers and Valentino always wins. I would scream about this every time it updated. I love the characterizations and their banter it almost made me forget there's sex in like every chapter. Honestly I wish there was more tags referencing the character/story stuff.

Virtual Reality by passthevoxcord (Words: 7,634)

Vox gets tired of his cybernetic biology being a barrier to his sex life, so he starts a new project to fuck Valentino in VR. Val will try anything once, but he has something else in mind.

This one ends up being so sweet I want to die. passthevoxcord's other fic, Only a Shadow, drives me nuts but its a WIP and hasn't actually gotten to the voxval yet.

choke behind a smile by gloriousmonsters (Words: 19,881)

"I'm not scared by extreme, although I doubt I'll find it interesting. What is it?" Valentino's eyes narrow slyly over his smile. "If you aren't scared, why do you need a warning?" Vox has everything under control in his new business partnership with benefits. His emotions, his unfortunate desires, the little mind games they play. Even Valentino himself. When Val offers an invitation to a special show he's performing, Vox knows it's a dare, and knows he has to take it, show Val that he can't be scared or destabilized. He has no idea of how deep under his skin the show will get.

Everyone's so normal. I love this Valentino. There's another Valvel fic that has the same Valentino I also recommend called bad girls go backstage.

Great Expectations by MarenRose (Words: 11,280)

“It’s his goal. Those three simple words. If he could get to hear them once, could let the reality of their meaning and spoken existence occupy his mind for only a few indiscernible moments, then maybe, Vox could learn to see the appeal of this god forsaken holiday. He might even learn to ‘love’ it too.” Or: Vox hates Valentine’s Days. His prick of a ‘wife’ is just too damn hard to please.

This miiiight have been the fic that made me Lock In on voxval? I'm not sure. It's sweet. Alastor is hilarious.

biting keeps your words at bay by Subedarling (Words: 1,511)

“You can’t hit me,” Valentino says. He’s practically vibrating with rage. “You’re not allowed to—you can’t hit me!” Vox sneers, cruel and mocking and hopefully masking the way his heart is breaking apart inside his chest. “Baby, I can do whatever the hell I want.” A decade into their partnership, Vox and Valentino have their first and last physical fight.

This might be the only non-explicit fic in this list. I am all for Val being the worst just because he's Like That. But I will not say no to an implied tragic backstory. I read this one a lot and want to die. Can I draw this. I want to draw this. Oh my god I have free time I can totally draw this...

And my other recs:

Just For The Record by PeppermintWalrus (Words: 13,795)

Vox is thrilled about his new film enterprise with his business partner, ready to build a lucrative empire for the denizens of hell to experience true cinema, in the only genre their depraved minds desire. There’s just one problem that he finds out too late; Valentino has never filmed porn before. Vox decides that some... hands-on teaching, is necessary to save their production.

Yeah you read that right.

a putrid feeling that i've addressed by spoondrifts (Words: 5,162)

They weren’t a couple because Valentino was pathologically noncommittal and Vox simply knew better. He tried the whole romance thing with a certain radio demon a few decades back, and he’d learned his damn lesson. Hell just wasn’t the place for that sort of cutesy bullshit. Also, he was pretty sure that Valentino was straight up incapable of love, which was both par for the course for Vox’s friendships and amazingly convenient—things couldn’t get complicated if there was nothing to complicate in the first place. Or: Full Moon, Vox/Val edition.

Haha I love pain. I lied, this is the second non-explicit fic.

Little Miss Hellion by DoveFactory (Words: 10,657)

Hell’s worst married couple spends a day of family bonding at a beauty pageant doing whatever it takes to make sure their daughter takes home the crown, because failure is never an option for the Vees. Pilot AU where Vox and Valentino are married and Velvette is their adopted daughter.

It's more Vees than voxval but they're married so.

The Art of Pimping by MarenRose (Words: 9,161)

Desperate to close a deal with one of the most lucrative investors in Pride, Vox does the unthinkable and pimps out Valentino for a one-time date. What could go wrong?

Val's attitude in this one is funny and Vox. Yeah. Vox made a mistake.

You Found Me by passthevoxcord (Words: 4,338)

Long before Velvette came along, it was just them. Vox and Valentino. Valentino and Vox.

Sobbing.

Something Less Than Dishonest by daphnerunning, Galiko (Words: 33,931)

He isn’t expecting the way Valentino walks, for some reason. Maybe it’s the extra limbs. Maybe it’s the wings. Maybe it’s the heels. Vox had skipped briefly through a few of the slut’s movies, for research, and isn’t expecting the way Valentino moves in person to feel so… Different. “…You must be my four o’clock,” he says, standing and offering a hand. Oh, shit, he’s huge. Valentino towers over him, easily would without the stripper heels. Vox is not afraid of heights.

Vox is so offensive in this it loops back around to hilarious.

Red Skies and Valentino by alternatedoom (Words: 86,050)

"Vox and I are special friends, doll. Go give him a kiss," Val says to the boy.

Angel does not have a good time. But the Voxval is nice.

before you go by xoTsundoku (Words: 4,426)

Before Alastor came into their lives, Vox and Valentino were happy. Maybe they still can be.

A Farewell to Ghosts by Accidental_Ducky (Words: 37,149)

"What do you think that is," Vox demands, pointing at the new guy. Valentino turns, eyes raking greedily over the man's body. He's gorgeous, skinny in a heroin chic way with big blue eyes and blond hair that falls just so across his eyes. "Hot." "Don't fucking call the ghost hot!"

The only human AU I've liked so far. Love the character interactions. Vox and Val are hilarious.

God I hope I didn't miss any. There's definitely some good WIP ones out there.

[kirisaki-daichi-scenarios]

kiridai + part time jobs p1

for anon who asked "if kirisaki worked part time, what kind of job would it be and how would they behave?" i'll get round to doing hanamiya + zaki + maybe the others eventually, but i figured it was better to post something than nothing. also because it was matsumoto's bday last week and there's nowhere near enough matsumoto content out there. kiridai's unsung hero <3

Hara Kazuya

cannot keep a part time job to save his life

he doesn’t need one for the money but his parents thought it would be a good idea for him to get some real world experience instead of doing whatever the fuck it is that he does all day when he’s not at school or on the court

the problem is though that not having a financial incentive to keep a job means that hara doesn’t take them very seriously

the corporate environment - and most of his part time jobs have been corporate, working for family friends’ big businesses - bores him to death

and when he’s bored, the urge to bother poor innocent accountants and administrators, who are just trying to finish their 9-5 to go home to their family, is unbearable

what do you mean ‘have sympathy for middle-aged and depressed old salarymen who were minding their own business?' thinks hara as he sets forth on yet another mission to find someone to terrorise

so yeah, it’s not surprising that the jobs don’t usually last

i mean, he practically fires himself

like he gets called into the boss’s office, or into hr, or whatever, and they minute they say “so, hara, i think we need to discuss your behaviour recently…” hara interjects with “it’s horrible, isn’t it? guess i’m fired. sick. see you never.”

and is out of the office before they have time to call him back

the longest part time job he ever held down was at a music store, which worked for a while because he got along with most of his coworkers, and liked fiddling with some of the instruments on sale

but, yet again, bored hara + customer-facing role = very dangerous combination

even though some of the customers liked hara's very rock ‘n’ roll attitude to customer service, the minute his manager had to make cuts, hara was the first to go

(in retrospect, maybe it was something to do with how often he’d mock the manager for not having made it as a singer. hara just can’t help himself when it comes to kicking someone who’s already down.)

Furuhashi Kojiro

i’m not going to try be creative here, and anyone who knows anything about furuhashi already knows what his part time job would be

furuhashi works part time at a flower shop / garden centre type deal

furuhashi loves the flowers and plants under his charge, genuinely loves them like they’re his children

furuhashi hates the vast majority of his customers, with the same scathing fury that any animal lover would have if they had to let people with a history of animal cruelty adopt an animal in their care

when furuhashi sees that one person who 'loves' plants but can’t keep them alive to save their life (as they always tell furuhashi with a sheepish smile, “i love having them around but i just don’t have the knack for it!”)-

yeah the look on furuhashi’s face could kill

(n.b. the customer in question is probably hayama because he’s sort of got that vibe)

really furuhashi deserves our pity for having to spend so much time dealing with people he would gladly stab to death given a dark alley with no cctv

these being people who forget to water their plants; people who keep buying bouquets for their loved ones, bouquets that never end up watered and die an early death; people who buy a plant even after being told its high maintenance, ignore looking after the most basic needs, and then come back a week later like “uhh you sold me dying plants”

”i sold you dying plants,” repeats furuhashi, very slowly, eyes more less dead-fish and more piranha-on-the-prowl

“yeah, so can i get a refund or what?”

“i sold you dying plants,” says furuhashi again and his voice is getting lower, raspier, like a movie character who’s about to swear he’ll get vengeance on his wife’s murderer

luckily the customer realises its not worth taking a punt trying to get a refund they don’t deserve, in a darkly lit garden centre where they’re the only customer around, and they flee the scene before furuhashi starts an experiment on whether human flesh is a good fertiliser

honestly furuhashi’s probably the only person who’ll ever experience a garden centre to yakuza pipeline, because one day some oyabun’s going to scout him based on that anti-plant-killer rage alone

Seto Kentaro

torn about what to say here because, on the one hand, i can see seto being a trader as a part time job - after all, the man likes maths so he’s going to be good with spotting patterns

but, on the other hand, i really struggle to imagine him committing to a part time job whilst he’s in high school, or even university

there’s no motivation for him to have one, since his family are well-off enough to support his studies without him needing to pay for anything; and between studies, sleep, and basketball, does he really have the time for a job?

his parents would rather have their son studying to make sure he gets into tokyo university, than have him waste time with a part time job since he’s already got a work ethic (sort of)

maybe, like hara, seto’s parents get him a gig at a family friend’s company? you know, to get him out there networking in the world

but this would just be a part time job over the summer, and probably not many hours either, more just something for him to put on his cv

(though with a network of rich people, who needs a cv? hahahahaha…. ….)

and to be honest, i think seto would probably do alright in the corporate environment (by corporate, i mean big bucks corporate), even as a high schooler

he’d have to do something mentally stimulating - because if he was told to just deliver coffees to people, he: a) wouldn’t be bothered to do it, and b) would be too insulted to do it

but if he was doing something mentally stimulating, and maybe working with a team of fellow smart young people, then i do think he’d work hard and even enjoy what he was doing.

the man needs more hanamiyas in his life

(a sentence that applies to very few people in this world)

Matsumoto Itsuki

works at some sports equipment chain store as a sales assistant. he’d be lying if he said he enjoys the job, but it does mean discounts on his gear and gym membership, and, unlike many of the students at kiridai, he does appreciate having some extra money on hand.

when he’s at work without stuff to do, he’s usually twirling a basketball on his fingertips or trying to convince his coworkers to let him do inventory checks and avoid the customer-facing side of things

unfortunately this usually doesn’t work because a) matsumoto wasn’t gifted with a silver tongue and b) the guy who’s usually on matsumoto’s shifts with him refuses to let matsumoto live down the time where he hid in the storeroom to avoid hanamiya and hara who had just popped into the shop, and then locked himself in there by accident

‘course, that was when matsumoto had only recently joined the basketball team, and was still filled with teen angst and awkwardness

these days, if a teammate comes to the shop, he sticks his middle finger up at them if they ask for help and essentially treats them like he wishes he could treat all the customers

on the other hand, he always applies his employee discount to their purchases, even when the customer in question is hara in a particularly irritating mood. so let it not be said that matsumoto doesn’t have a soft spot for his teammates.

but, yeah, in general customer service is not matsumoto’s thing

he does genuinely try to help customers out and does a very good job of not punching annoying customers in the face (this is easier said than done in matsumoto’s case; after all, he spends most of his time with a bunch of guys who all believe violence is The Solution TM), but sometimes he lets his guard down

like the time someone came in saying they were new to play golf and wanted recommendations for a suitable club

���why the fuck would you want to play golf?” says matsumoto a little louder than intended.

“excuse me!” goes the customer

“what?” replies matsumoto before remembering he is talking in the real world and not in his daydream land where he beats up customers. “shit. um. let me go show you the club brands we stock.”

the only reason he didn’t get fired afterwards was because the store’s running low on staff as is

oh and matsumoto’s the only guy the manager doesn’t scold for not smiling at customers, because matsumoto’s customer-service smile makes him look like a gun is being held up to his forehead

it scared away far more customers than it attracted

[ybcpatrick]

HC that post!YBC Patrick and Joe both spend an unhealthy amount of time working in the studio to “cope.” Joe notices Patrick has a problem but insists it’s different when he himself does it because it “isn’t as bad.”

i've had both of these asks for almost two calendar years. i am SO fucking sorry about that. i'm gonna group these two together, and i hope this maybe makes up for it. 💖

"How's he doing?" Joe asks as he approaches, voice kept carefully low. Andy sighs, gently closing the door to the studio behind him.

"Patrick's fast asleep at the desk. He wore himself out with his episode earlier." Andy runs his hands over his hair, scraping at the shaven sides, and adds, "I was gonna move them both, but I know Patrick would probably flip out again if I did, so I just saved his work and threw a blanket over him."

"Good idea," Joe murmurs, then pauses. "Wait, both?"

"Pete's in there, too," Andy clarifies. "He passed out on the floor beside Patrick's chair."

Joe winces at that, brows knitting together. "Their backs are gonna kill 'em tomorrow."

"I know, but they're sleeping," Andy emphasizes, "and I'm not sure how long it's been since either of them have gotten more than an hour or two." He throws his hands up in faux surrender, backing away from the door as he says, "I'm not touching them. They can go ahead and hate me tomorrow if they wanna, I don't really care."

Joe elects just to shrug, and they fall into a pensive silence. Staring at the studio door, a familiar itch comes crawling up Joe's back; his fingers twitch where they're shoved into his pockets. He clears his throat softly, and his socks scuff against the carpet as he takes a deliberately-casual step forward.

"Ooookay, well, if they're both out for the night, I'm just gonna pop in quick and grab an acoustic–"

"Joe–"

"–I'll take it to the basement, don't worry, I'll make sure they don't hear me at all–"

"Joe."

"– I just wanna finish off that hook I had going earlier, I think I've almo–"

"Joe."

Joe freezes, fingers barely ghosting over the door handle. When he peers over his shoulder, Andy is already staring back, his tattooed arms crossed over his chest. His grey eyes are nearly black in the dim light of the hallway, and he looks tired. Guilt briefly squeezes its cold fist around Joe's ribs.

"Joe, it's nearly midnight," says Andy. He brings a hand up to rub at the sides of his nose (an old habit from when he still had his glasses he hasn't managed to kick yet), and falls against the opposite wall in defeat. His voice is unbearably soft as he pleads, "Come to sleep?"

And the thing is, Joe wants to.

He really does.

He just...

The thought of not finishing his work makes his stomach roll.

So instead of acquiescing, Joe crosses the hallway, leaning into Andy's space. He traces his fingertips, feather-light, over the ink-dark skin of Andy's forearms. Saccharine-sweet, he whispers, "I just wanna finish the hook. I'll do it quick, record it on my phone so I don't forget it in the morning, and then I'll be right there in bed. Then you can do your weird-ass impression of a spidermonkey-octopus thing while we cuddle like teenagers, or whatever." Joe tilts Andy's chin up to look him in the eye, flashing a reassuring grin at him. "Sound okay?"

Andy stares at Joe for a long moment. His typical silence feels more pronounced here, as his gaze darts all over Joe's face, seemingly searching for something there. That damned itch dances its way up Joe's spine again, leaving the chill of uneasiness in its wake; the corners of Joe's mouth crack like plaster as he forces his expression to stay light.

(He prays to anything for Andy not to notice.)

After another beat, Andy's shoulders slump, and a small smile graces his face. His hands find Joe's with practiced ease, weaving their fingers together tightly. He arches off the wall, using Joe's weight as leverage, and crowds so far into Joe's space that there's hardly anywhere left where they aren't touching.

"Just the hook?" Andy asks, his breath ghosting over Joe's lips as he cranes up, tip-toed, to nuzzle their noses together. Joe makes a small sound of assent, not trusting himself to say anything more as warm relief washes over him. He brings their joined hands up to his mouth and drops a lingering kiss on each of Andy's knuckles, his gaze trained on the way Andy's lashes flutter against his cheeks in response.

Andy's grip on him tightens for just a second, then falls slack as he whispers, "m'kay, go get the guitar. I'll meet you downstairs." At Joe's perplexed look, he adds, "I'm gonna come sit with you 'til you're done." Guilt lances through Joe once more, his eyes blowing wide.

"Dee, you don't have to stay up for me–"

"I don't have to, I want to. I like hearing you work." Andy cuts him off, with a finger against his lips. After a second, he shifts his hand, carefully cradling Joe's cheek. He smiles again, but it's tinged with something else, something that makes Joe's heart ache in his chest. "I just like you."

Sudden heat pricks at Joe's eyes and he quickly snaps them shut, leaning into Andy's touch. That awful itch, along with the guilt, takes a backseat in his brain for the time being, corralled there by the warmth of Andy's hand and the simplicity of his words; for just a moment, he savours it.

Before long, Andy's pulling away, nudging Joe towards the studio door. He gives Joe a stern warning about waking up Pete and Patrick as he walks away, and Joe keeps his eyes locked on Andy's back until he's completely disappeared from sight.

Quiet as a mouse, Joe slips into the studio. As promised, Patrick is bent over the desk, his folded arms shielding his face from view. Pete is sitting slumped beside him on the floor, unflatteringly open-mouthed and folded up like a pretzel. The throw blanket is haphazardly spread out over Patrick's broad shoulders, the edge fluttering mere inches over the crown of Pete's head. Even in sleep, the pair look utterly exhausted; Joe can't help the way he frowns.

He feels them. He's tired, too. Really fucking tired. And so is Andy.

But Joe can't stop yet, and Andy knows that. And Andy is waiting for him in the basement, because he's sweet like that. Because he's thoughtful.

Because Andy gets Joe, perhaps even more than Joe gets Joe, and he understands that Joe can't give it up quite yet.

Carefully, Joe slinks around the sleeping pair, grabbing his acoustic from the loveseat he'd abandoned it on earlier. On his way back out, the telltale whisper of fabric shifting stops Joe dead in his tracks at the door. Heart in his throat and apologies at the ready, he peers over his shoulder at Pete and Patrick.

Patrick has shifted in his sleep. His good arm has fallen into his lap, palm up. His slack hand is close enough to Pete's head that his fingers are tucked, just slightly, into Pete's dark hair. Pete snuffles, a little gross-sounding, and subconsciously leans into the contact.

Neither one stirs again. Watching them for a moment longer, Joe's smile grows a bit wobbly. Drawing in a deep breath, he eases the door shut once more, and leaves them to their slumber. (With any luck, they'll wake up at some point through the night, and at least have the sense to lay down on the furniture or something, but Joe's not counting on it.)

As Joe makes the descent to the basement, slinging the guitar strap over his shoulder on his way, his thoughts become preoccupied once more with the hook from earlier. Perhaps Andy, though sleepy and spent as he is from the day, may have some ideas for how Joe can nail it down.

After all, the sooner he does, and the sooner he satisfies the itch, the sooner Joe can get some rest, too.

He's just gotta finish, first.

[crabussy]

heyyyy welcome, welcome!! I've been expecting you. You don't need to wipe your feet on the mat, mud tracks on the carpet adds some personality to the space!! Hang your coat on the weird fake taxidermy pronghorn. To your left, the dining room, currently occupied by 23 people (and not people) having a heated debate about whether chartreuse is green or yellow (its neither). Oh, and here on our right is a comprehensive list of my Things! Take a peek, I'll be waiting in the corridor with the mosaic floor.

post includes: info about me, hobbies, tags, sideblogs, DNI, disclaimers and explanations!

(this is going to be LLLLOOOOOONG. I love explaining!!)

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✦ Name: Robin to most, Rob to some, Thing to all (call me whatever!)

✦ Pronouns: I use he/him exclusively, NO they/them ever thank you! some cheeky it/its is always fun though go for it

✦ Age: 18. somehow an adult and a teen at the same time. save me

✦ Nationality: I am a Pākehā Kiwi. I'm from AOTEAROA NZ!!!!!!!!!!

✦ Plurality: I am part of an OSDD-1B system alongside two dozen other headmates, some of the others have their own blogs set up which you can access via @menagerie-crew. they may post on my blog too, tagged with "_____ takeover" depending on who is in front. it is totally okay to request to chat with any of the others!! (I have discussed this with a therapist and a psychiatrist who both believe I am a system. I cannot get diagnosed for safety reasons. lalala)

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✦ Art:

@beastwhimsy - my art account! Please give it a look, thank you! My commissions are open.

@silly-pony-scribbles - an mlp art request blog I run with my bestest friend, sal!

✦ Tags:

silly tag: blorbos

sea tag: FISH. one of my special interests. coelacanth... kissing you

beast tag: ANIMALS. yet another thing I am full of love for

fren tag: any friend/moot related posts [: sometimes I forget!

art tag: art I am putting in my mouth right fucking now

music tag: music I am grating onto my pasta like parmesan cheese

insp: art inspiration

fave: what it says on the label [:

save: a tag full of posts I haven't looked at in about a year, oops

ultra fave: posts that make me roll around on the ground screaming

people tag: human people!!! I love us!!

mindfuckery tag: posts that violently rearrange my neurons

there tag: liminal spaces yayyy yayy

listen to my gibberish boy: my terrible words

important: usually PSAs and such!

mecore: posts that make me go YEAHHHHH. UH HUH.

robincore: posts that are like if I was images.....

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✦ Hobbies:

⋇ Camping, hiking, etc etc: I'm part of a scout group and have been camping ten gazillion times,, if I am not in a tent again soon I will surely perish. Put me in there NOW

⋇ Conservation/ecology: this is something I am most passionate about!!! I'm fascinated by ecosystems and do everything I can to contribute to positive change in conservation. I am especially passionate about Aotearoa's ecosystems!

⋇ Art: I draw ^_^ self explanatory !!! I specialize in character design!! redesigning characters is my love language.

⋇ Scaring myself shitless: I love horror... I will consume any horror related media although my favourite type of horror is unnerving stuff, not shock value stuff (although shock can be fun) if you have any good horror recs PLEASE I AM SO HUNGRY.

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✦ Interests:

⋇ animals!!! arthropods!!!! zoology/ecology! this is my special interest, has been for years, I could talk about it for hours [: NZ species/ecosystems especially! this is both a hobby and an interest rah rah

⋇ ADVENTURE TIME. HEEELP HELP ME HEELP HELP HELP. life giving magus I would do anything for you

⋇ mlp g3/g4 (currently VERY VERY gripped by The Horses. I love you ponies)

⋇ liminal spaces/old buildings (Don't mind me I just need to be in those places forever ?? and ever?)

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✦ DNI:

transmeds, terfs, pro-contact harmful paraphiliacs, syscourse blogs, autism speaks supporters, neonazis, zionists, racists, sexists etc. please stay off my page unless you're here to explore a different viewpoint and question your current views! thank you!

message me if you need any clarification on why I'm against any of these things, or if you're not sure what something on here means!! /g

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✦ Opinion on system origin discourse: read here!

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✦ Other:

I am autistic and experience chronic pain. Please keep this in mind when interacting with me! Tone indicators can be helpful, and I might sound a little off/dry due to pain sometimes, or I might not respond to asks for a long time due to low energy levels or forgetfulness. I promise I am always happy to talk!

anonymous asks and comments (unless you've been following me for over a week) are off because people kept using them to be needlessly unkind or to assume the worst of me. I've turned them on in the past only to have more people send me awful messages jam packed with pretty much every slur in the book. for that reason, they're off! sorry about that. (if you REALLY need to send me an anonymous message, you could make a temporary sideblog and DM me through it! I hope nobody takes advantage of this to be horrible. just be civil and block me if you dislike what I have to say please!)

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I see you finished reading my extensive list of Things!!! Lets continue with our tour- you haven't even seen the indoor crocodile pool yet. Did you bring any swimwear?

[thera-daydreams]

PLUS ONE

》 A TRESE TWOSHOT 《

[Maliksi x Reader]

📝 Summary: In which your beloved best friend snatches you from your apartment at dawn asking you to be his plus one for his cousin's wedding. Unbeknownst to the clueless you, everything is just going according to Maliksi's ultimate masterplan. With the help of friends and family, the Prince of the Tikbalang finally gets the girl he's been longing for. And oh, Señor Armanaz gets his dream daughter-in-law and the promise of grandchildren within the year.

📌 Warning: May contain some slight NSFW for spicy suggestiveness and cussing. No smut or anything super SPG—this girl can't write that for her life—but just be prepared. It's Maliksi we're talking about. We've got friends-to-lovers, obliviousness, pining, fluff, and a tikbalang simp. Figure it out. 😃

(word count: 7,454) ♥︎ Part Two: ?

》 AUTHOR'S NOTE 《

Not an Inday spinoff, but a lengthy oneshot in celebration of this blog getting 90 followers. Just ten more to 100, yay! Thank you so much for the love and support, everyone. I also promised that I'll be making this brainrot that @binibiningbabaylan and I have fangirled over a few days ago (find the original post here) when I finished the latest chapter of Inday. Here it is! 🥰

Before I forget, I was also inspired by the cute fic made by @crispybasil titled "Sunshowers" and the "Trese Boys As Things My Guy Friends Do" made by the amazing @smolla-than-a-bug (I bow down to your wonderful works in the Trese fandom). I definitely see Maliksi to be the type to go on spontaneous roadtrips and be the boyfriend to drive you around eveeeerywhere (while also driving you crazy). 🚘

There are also some songs mentioned throughout this work. You should probably listen to them while reading for the full experience. Ending was somewhat rushed but eh, I'm too exhausted and I've rewritten it too many times. Also, if someone makes some actual tikbalang smut, tag me please. Anyways, enjoy! 💕

The way it all started was hilarious. Absolutely fucking hilarious. It happened like a blur. Literally. One second, you were snoozing in your bed. The next? You had a seatbelt on in the shotgun seat of a sophisticated-looking car. Your brain didn't even get to process it yet.

"... So let me get this straight," you grumbled, still half-asleep from your sleep marathon. You just finished a hugely successful project at work yesterday, got promoted, and wanted to make up for the restless nights you spent overtime in the office. Of course you were irritated from being disturbed. You were on vacation leave for two entire weeks, originally planning to go into temporary isolation by deactivating your social media accounts and reserving a beach cabana for yourself in Batangas.

Well, turns out, you weren't going to Batangas anytime soon. All because your unreasonably spontaneous bestfriend of ten hectic years stole you from your apartment at 2AM. Was this considered kidnapping? Was this him just being more in touch with his tikbalang side, taking unsuspecting women in their sleep and leading them to their inevitable death? (He was going over the speed limit, so it was a valid thought.) Will wearing your shirt inside-out save you today? Lord, masyado ka pang pagod para mag-isip ngayon.

"Go on."

"You abducted picked me up in the middle of the night because you want me to be your plus one at your cousin's wedding in Tagaytay?"

"Yup. And technically, the venue is right on the outskirts of Cavite going to Tagaytay," he corrected you as a matter-of-factly.

"Same thing, whatever," you huffed tiredly. "Your cousin's wedding is at 6AM today. In a few hours. In four hours."

"Uh-huh."

You groaned exasperatedly, "Mal naman, eh! You didn't even let me bring anything. Could've at least given me a heads-up a few hours ago. I'm practically emptyhanded right now save for my phone! Sinungaling ka, you said this was just a normal midnight drive—not a freaking wedding!"

The Prinsipe ng Mga Tikbalang, son of the Great Stallion, heir to the Armanaz herd, and the Top Drag Racer of C-5 Expressway—if that was even one of his Game of Thrones-like titles—grinned as he continued driving beside you. He let you continue ranting in the passenger seat while he mulled over his ultimate masterplan that would change his entire life later on. He was a spur-of-the-moment kind of guy, so all this wasn't his thing. But for you? He'll make plans, alright.

"Wala man lang akong dinalang masusuot o kahit konting makeup para maging presentable sa harapan ng buong pamilya mo," you exclaimed, in absolute despair. "Do you know how out of my league you are? Your rich-ass family might judge me—hell, your dad might see me as a hampaslupa if I show up there in my pambahay and tsinelas!"

"Psh, I'm not out of your league," Maliksi waved it off, smoothly turning a corner. "And calm down. We've known each other for a decade! My dad practically loves you as his own daughter. Heck, the entire family knows you and keeps telling me they want you adopted in already. Lolo Andres and Lola Perlita said they'd have the paperwork settled. You just need to sign them."

It would be even better (and easier) if you married into the family. To him, specifically (as if he'd let anyone else have you). God, he was already being so obvious in his advances, but you were just so damn oblivious whenever it came to romance. None of this needed to happen if you just got it through your thick skull that he was madly in love with you.

"That's not the point, idiot!" you slumped back into your seat, hopeless. "Do you think the bride and the groom will get offended? Shit, baka masumpaan ako kung magagalit sila, Mal. Mukha akong patay galing sa South Cemetery."

The long-haired tikbalang rolled his eyes, "Huwag kang mag-alala. Nothing's going to go wrong. Chill ka lang diyan. I've got everything under control, babe."

Babe. Yes, he even called you babe but you thought it was him being a himbo and a massive flirt. Now, it was his common term of endearment for you, but you still assumed it was him just being irksome to you and that you couldn't stop the man from saying it anymore. Thus, you let it be (the most obvious hint of his attraction to you, bestie).

"... Ugh, why didn't you ask Hannah or Amie to go with you?"

He just smiled knowingly, shrugging and making up an excuse, "Nagmamadali ako, eh. Hannah and Amie are also coming, but they already have the other tikbalang as dates."

"'Luh, ako pala ang backup choice mo?"

"Heh. Whatever you want to think."

Little did you know that you were always his first choice. Always. Even when he pursued Alexandra Trese many years ago, trying to convince himself you were just his best friend, it was always you. How did he come to that realization? Well, an international band he was a fan of released a song a couple years ago and he heard it being played in a club in BGC. The song title?

It Was Always You by Maroon 5.

Needless to say, after hearing the song and being unable to get it—get you—out of his mind at night, he stopped courting Alexandra. Unfortunately for him, that time, you'd started dating other men. Therefore, he was left on the sidelines... until your latest and most painful breakup, at least. That was five years ago. You still hadn't dated anyone since then, kind of traumatized from getting into another failed relationship like that.

In the present day, as if the fates were playing on you two, one of your favorite artists played on the radio. A very ironic song given the situation you two were in.

Best Friend by Rex Orange County.

Maliksi knew it was a favorite of yours. He knew it by the way your eyes lit up like a star brightening the twinkling night sky. Like the sun first rising in the morning at Apolaki's command. Like the moon extending its gentle rays from the magic of Mayari herself. If there was anything he wanted to ask of the old gods, it was you—everything else be damned.

"I wanna be the one that makes your day, the one you think about as you lie awake," you half-sang and half-screamed happily, somewhat out-of-tune. "I can't wait to be your number oooooone! I'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine—"

Maliksi glanced at you, not minding that his eardrums were probably getting microscopic ruptures from your aggressive singing. As much as he wanted to stare at you all day, he had to keep his eyes on the road. But the lyrics you were singing were wrong; the Prince of the Tikbalang was already yours from day one.

"Babe, McDo drive-through tayo for breakfast. Let me make it up to you. Gusto mo ng caramel sundae for your promotion gift? Sige. Ako bahala. Chicken nuggets din? Mabubusog ka ba niyan? I don't think they serve those this early..."

》》》

"Sandali lang!" you shouted out from inside an empty room. You'd just arrived at the venue—the Alta Veranda de Tibig in Silang, Cavite (practically the gateway to Tagaytay)—an hour or so ago. The hired makeup artist just left so that you could privately change into the outfit that had been bought specifically for you. Curse Mal and his ability to buy anything (perhaps anyone) he wanted. "Bwiset, Mal, you didn't tell me we'd be part of the damn entourage. We have to be walking the aisle in thirty minutes, simbako! You just love rushing me, don't you!?"

If only you were the one walking down the aisle today towards him.

When you exited the room, Maliksi couldn't help but let his jaw drop as he skimmed your figure, clad in the luxurious, silky satin blush midi dress he bought in one of those fancy stores in Makati yesterday. He imagined that it would look great on you, but now, seeing it on you in person... you looked divine (and frankly, he wanted to see it off your body to see what was underneath—but don't get too ahead of yourself, Mal). It was a whole 'nother level from his imagination. The deep cowl neckline and thin spaghetti straps showed your lovely collarbones... as well as a peek of your cleavage. His favorite and the best part of it all? It was backless, allowing him to gaze at the tempting curve of your spine.

He hadn't realized he had grown silent until you smiled and closed his mouth, tapping his chin.

"Lalangawin ang bibig mo, Mal," you laughed softly. Never had you seen him so speechless. You then flicked your hair back, ridiculously posing for him like you were on the cover of Vogue magazine (haba ng hair mo, gurl!). "Do I look that good? Char lang."

"... You look absolutely ravishing—I mean, uh, stunning. Hot. Yeah." That was all he could say. He mentally punched himself for not showering you with more suave compliments.

Still, your face brightened up, not knowing that the man in front of you just fell for you a thousand times harder, "Wow! Really? Damn. Ang galing talaga ng MUA na kinuha mo, ginawa akong artista. Give me their contact number later! May work event pa naman ako in two months. I'm shocked, it's like they made me rise from the dead! Even my eyebags are gone, Mal! How'd they do that?" Heck yeah, your confidence was boosted. He offered his arm to you like a gentleman, making you half-heartedly roll your eyes (you took it anyway). From holding it alone, you could tell that your best friend was a sinewy man (well, you knew that already after seeing his tikbalang form before—the little shit didn't even wear a loincloth like all his clanmates; your poor eyes were eternally scarred).

You looked him up and down. You wouldn't lie—Maliksi is and always has been an attractive man. Now? With his hair in a ponytail (pun not intended), definitely one of the hunkiest men you've ever known. "You're not looking too bad yourself, horsey."

"Ako pa!" He puffed his chest out in pride. You chuckled at his reaction.

"By the way, how do you even know my dress size and my shoe size?"

"Babe, I've known you too long. You know almost everything about me, I know everything about you."

You snorted at his confident tone, "'Di nga? You don't know every single thing about me, Mal. Assuming ka masyado."

"Alam ko nga anong cup size mo. Wala lang 'yang shoe and dress size."

You slapped his shoulder, cheeks quickly flushing red, "Huy, umayos ka! Walang hiyang tikbalang na 'to." With this guy as your best friend? You heard dirty jokes at least once a day. "Don't be inappropriate here!"

"What? It's only fair I know!" He looked down on you suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows. "You already know I always go commando, so of course I know that your bra is a size—"

"Shhh! Baka marinig ka, 'nyeta."

"So? Let them hear. My best friend has a nice set of melons!" he shouted. You were grateful there was no one around. Hopefully.

"Oh my God..."

Your best friend chortled at how flustered you'd become. He led you to where some of his family was waiting, with a couple of his relatives already greeting you. You instantly and quite easily mingled with them, your worries of them not accepting you far from even true (they all knew how much their prince loved the innocent you).

"Kayo na talaga, pare?" one of his older tikbalang clanmates asked while you went away to be fawned over by his aunts.

Maliksi chuckled, crossing his arms as he watched you from afar, "Heh. Hindi pa."

Another one of his clanmates—a younger one—laughed, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, "Talaga? That's cap, bro. You two are like a married couple already and you guys still aren't a thing?"

"Ilang taon na ba kayong magkakaibigan?" the older one asked him.

"Almost ten years," Maliksi responded, a smile unconsciously pulling his lips up as he remembered your moments together. He watched you converse with his female relatives (who adored you the moment Maliksi brought you to a family event many moons ago).

The two tikbalang snickered as they saw the look on the Great Stallion's heir.

"You're down bad," the younger one said, snapping a photo of his lovestruck kuya. "You've got it so bad for her, dudeparechong!"

"Balak mong ligawan anytime soon?" the older tikbalang inquired.

"Heh. Balak ko na ngang pakasalan. Kung pwede, ngayon."

They looked at Maliksi as if he was crazy. He was very much serious, though, even if there was a huge, lopsided smile on his face. The Prince of the Tikbalang raised a brow at them.

"What? Don't give me that look. Our ten years of being best friends is practically the courting and the dating stage already."

"Eh... you're right. Don't waste anymore time. Go and marry her today, dude. Suporta kami sa'yo, basta groomsmen kami sa kasal niyo, ha!"

"Ge. Without question."

Meanwhile, on your end with the ladies of the family, they started pestering you on your love life (like all typical Filipino aunties). Chismis everywhere.

"O, iha, single ka pa ba?"

"Kailan ka magpapakasal? Malapit ka nang pumasok sa thirties mo."

"Do you want kids? How many?"

"Are you and Maliksi a couple? You look good together! Kayo na, 'di ba?"

"Will you be getting married next? Are you engaged? When's the wedding? Invite niyo kami!"

Before you could get overwhelmed by their questions, Maliksi swept you off your feet to lead you to the entourage that was lining up outside the chapel area. Again, it happened like a blur. He laughed at the partially nauseated look on your face.

"You okay there?" he asked, grinning.

"Your family thinks we're together," you muttered quietly, not meeting his eyes. You weren't sure why you felt... tingly about their statements.

He tilted his head at you curiously, gently setting you down on your feet and helping you stand.

"Do you hate the idea?" It hurt him to ask you the question, but he wanted your thoughts on it. Perhaps doing this was a bad idea. Maliksi was competitive in many things, including wanting you to be his, but if you were so opposed to it, he would never force you into something you didn't want. He let go of your hand; you didn't even notice he'd been holding it until he let go. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

Your wide-eyed gaze snapped back to look up at him, "No! No, it's not that! And... it's not bad." Your hand felt strangely empty now that his was gone. Biting your lip, you disclosed, "You're not making me uncomfortable, Mal. Don't ever think that."

With that, you shyly interlocked your arm with his, tearing your eyes from his to mask the growing warmth you felt spreading in your veins. You two didn't say anything else when the ushers let you walk down the beautiful, petal-covered aisle together.

The man beside you was starstruck. Hopeful. Maybe both of you did have a chance. Maybe somewhere in the depths of your soul, his feelings for you were being reciprocated. For the rest of the sacred ceremony in the gorgeous main pavilion, both of you relished in short, comfortable, and low conversations. He even cracked jokes every once in a while—really funny ones that made it challenging for you to you stifle your laughter.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the bride."

Maliksi fervently prayed to Bathala that he'd experience the same opportunity he was seeing with you someday. One day.

Even while the sun was brightly out, the sky began showering down light rain onto the land. You were in awe as you looked out the window.

"Hala, totoo nga pala! Tignan mo!" you laughed, tugging Maliksi's suit sleeve, pointing at the window.

"Na ano?" he curiously inquired, not understanding what you were referring to.

"Na kapag may tikbalang na kinakasal, umuulan habang may araw pa," you replied, eyes filled with childlike mirth and wonder. A rainbow had even begun to form by the clouds. "Look, it's magical! Ang ganda pala ng view dito kasama ang old Spanish architecture. Timeless na timeless. It's so pretty, 'no? Picture tayo 'maya, Mal."

Unlike you, it wasn't the sky outside that the prince was looking at. Amidst the loud cheers for the newlywed couple and the bubbles the guests were blowing, his vision could only focus on how magnificent you looked while being amazed. You were his best view. (Ed from 90-Day Fiancé, kabahan ka na, may katapat ka sa pickup line mo.)

》》》

"Smile for the picture!"

You giggled as Maliksi was dragged into a photo-op with the bridesmaids and the important older wedding sponsors a few feet away (funnily, he looked a little constipated around them). All of a sudden, when he was heading back to your direction, you were roughly pushed into the said man's arms. When you turned around, there was nothing (except maybe a gust of wind that came out of nowhere).

"Ooh, gotcha. Careful," the tikbalang steadied you, strong hands holding your biceps. "Natapilok ka?"

"... Huh, hindi naman," you wondered suspiciously, looking around. "I think someone pushed me? Parang tinulak ako... but wala namang tao."

"Weird. Maybe it was just the wind."

It actually was. Really. Maliksi knew for a fact that it was those two taong hangin who were spying on you from the corner, trying to pair you up. He gave them a thumbs-up while your back was turned in the opposite direction. Hannah and Amie returned the thumbs-up before vanishing. Suddenly, the two wedding photographers had moved on from the bridesmaids and were right beside you.

"What a lovely couple you two are!" she praised. Before you could correct her, she held up the black contraption she held towards you two. "Pose for the camera, lovelies!"

And so you did, the photographer guiding you two on what to do. Maliksi wrapped his arm around your waist and you leaned on his side, looking sidewards to the camera with one leg cocked in front of the other. Her assistant, who was holding a polaroid camera, printed out two photos for you.

"Thank you," you told him, taking the photos from his hands then flicking them rapidly to make the images develop. You and Mal were about to walk to the reception area when the photographer stopped you, handing the male beside you a business card.

"If you two need a photographer or a videographer for your wedding, call me," she signaled to both of you before running to another guest, bringing her assistant with her.

You gawked, "Mal, did you just hear what she said?"

"Loud and clear." A grin was on his face. He seemed very pleased at what he heard.

"... How can she even tell if someone is married or not?"

Maliksi's free hand took your left hand, tapping the ring finger, "Nothing here."

"Ooooooh. I get it now." Your brows creased. "Huh. This is like the fifth time today the people here have mistaken us for a couple."

Maliksi shrugged, teasing you, "Who knows? Baka may potential tayo, babe."

Before you could ask him what he meant, he was hurriedly towing you to the reception venue. While he was doing that, you stared at the now-developed polaroid photos you were holding. Huh. Maybe you two did look like a couple.

"Come on, they're serving some snacks at the welcome reception area. Peach pie and mango float-flavored. Paborito mo, babe."

》》》

The rest of the night went by without a hitch. You were actually enjoying the event—the host was great, the food was great, the music was great. Everything was great... that was, until the games.

"Alright! Now that the bride's garter has been removed, let's have the bouquet and garter toss... starting with the females!" the host announced. "Dear bride, please stay here in front. And all single ladies—and by single I mean ready to mingle and are not married—please rise and stand here on the dance floor. Let's play matchmaker tonight, everyone!"

"Uy, single ladies daw," Maliksi nudged your side. "Sign mo na 'yan." You snorted like a pig.

"Nope, ayokong madamay sa bouquet toss," you whisper-yelled at your best friend. "Do you know how embarrassing that is?! Besides, they won't notice if I don't join! Special tactic ko 'yan sa weddings: pretending I'm not single. Katabi naman kita."

More women came to the front, making you feel assured that you didn't need to participate. The host was about to say something, when the bride interrupted to whisper something into his ear.

"Hala, halaaa! Sabi ko all single ladies, pero may isang single lady na nagtatago pa!" he announced, making you freeze. Please don't let it be you. "What's her name, beloved bride?"

"Y/N L/N." You nearly spat out your champagne. You? Did they just call out your name? How did they know?

"Oh fuck," you cursed quietly.

"'Di ka makakatakas dito, babe," Maliksi jabbed, making you stand up. "Tinatawag ka na."

"Baka may ibang Y/N L/N dito," you resisted, attempting to sit back down. "I can't do this, Mal."

"'Sus, ikaw pa. And it's just a symbolic ceremony!" he encouraged, as if he didn't have any underlying intentions. "I doubt the bouquet will go to you anyway."

Sheesh, what a big fat liar you are, tikbalang prince.

You expressed your dissatisfaction with the situation, "Bwiset, fine. I'll just... dodge it. Or evade it. God, I swear..." You calmed down, confident. "I'm not going to worry. I've never caught the bouquet at my own friends' weddings anyway."

When you were at the dance floor, Maliksi snickered, seeing the bride—his cousin—wink at him. After all, he had thoroughly bribed her earlier.

《《《

"It's about time you settled down with someone, Mal," the bride commented while he slipped her the newest Hermés designer bag filled with a bunch of jewelry (plus some bills) two hours ago, right before the reception began and while you were in the restroom freshening up. "Hehehe, this is why you're my favorite cousin."

"Do we have a deal?"

"Of course. I'll make sure she participates. I'll also try to throw it in her direction."

"Good. Thanks."

"You better invite me to your beach wedding. I can tell how much you love her."

"Not a problem. I'll even make you a sponsor."

The bride stared at her bouquet, already practicing how she was going to throw it, "Tito's going to thank me so much for ensuring that he's going to get grandkids soon, hihi."

》》》

Back to the present, on the other end of the room, Maliksi saw a familiar duo give him a sign that they were ready. Bingo. Time to execute the most important part of his plan.

《《《

"I don't care how you do it," he told the two wind elementals after he bribed the bride. "I've already instructed the bride on what she should do, pero siguraduhin niyo lang talagang lumipad sa kanya ang bouquet."

"Mmhmm," Amie flipped her hair, a hand on her cocked hip. "And what do we get in return, oh great Señorito Armanaz?"

"Sagot ko bar-hopping niyo for one month."

The two girls pretended to think about it, making Maliksi roll his eyes. He had to pull out the big guns, huh?

"Fine. Magbibigay ako ng cash deposit plus pwede niyong gamitin ang black card ko for a one-week shopping spree in Ortigas." There. Bullseye. That's what they liked.

"Deal!" they exclaimed excitedly.

Hannah let a cool gust of wind enter one of the nearby windows, testing out how they're going to do this. "Ano pa bang pinaplano mo for Y/N mamaya?"

Maliksi hummed, "Basta."

》》》

You tried your best to hide within the densest part of the group of women. The bride seemed to have her eyes on you, weirdly enough, and she looked almost feral wanting to throw her flowers into someone's face.

That someone being you. Most likely.

"Target locked on," you saw her mouth move. She positioned herself like she was about to throw a football at someone (ahem, you). Holy shit, was she talking to you? Miss ma'am, it was a bouquet toss not a bouquet throw. The bride seemed to notice this, and once more regained her elegant composure.

"3, 2, 1," the host counted down. "Go!"

Surprisingly, the bouquet flew very high into the air (it was a wonder it didn't get tangled in the ceiling decor), but quite a distance away from you. You grinned, knowing it was too far to even touch you. Squeezing through the crowd of women eagerly awaiting the bouquet, you went to return to your assigned table.

Ah, what a wonderful evening.

Sike!

Something painfully landed right into your face, leaves and flowers getting into your hair and mouth.

... Wait, leaves and flowers?

Before you could comprehend it, the bouquet dropped right into your arms. What kind of ungodly, inhuman force allowed this to even happen?

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have our lucky girl for the night!" Everyone clapped, with some—those guests you knew—even cheering your name unbelievably loud. The host approached you, a glint in his eye which you couldn't understand. "Miss Y/N, kindly sit here while we await the lucky guy who catches the garter from the groom."

What just happened?

"All single gentlemen, please proceed to the dance floor. Remember, the man who gets the garter gets to slip it onto the lucky lady's leg later!"

Oh, God. You pinched the bridge of your nose. What you'd give to be back at home or to be in that resort in Batangas you'd planned on going to for a solo vacation.

"To make this even more exciting," the host stated, handing you a black blindfold. "Our lucky lady has to keep her eyes closed until her lucky man for the night captures the bride's garter! When the music plays, only then can she uncover her eyes."

See? Humiliating, just as you expected. Still, you wrapped the blindfold around your head (albeit hesitantly). You attempted to guess who it might be, thinking of all the tikbalang friends Maliksi had introduced to you back then whenever he invited you to his clan reunions.

"Groom, are you ready?" the host asked, microphone loud and clear.

"Ready na ready!"

"Single gentlemen, are you ready?!"

"Ready na ready! Awoo, awoo!" they loudly chorused, exactly mimicking Spartans about to engage in battle. You sweatdropped in the seat you were in. This was actually kind of scary. Maybe you felt a bit objectified.

"3, 2, 1, go!"

There was a brief moment of silence, which made you concerned. Ba't ang tahimik? Then, everyone erupted into roars and bravoes much louder than when you caught the bouquet—perhaps even louder by tenfold. What the heck was happening?!

The music played. Very raunchy, spicy, babymaking music. You expected it to be the typical Careless Whisper by George Michael or Pony by Ginuwine (corny songs which you could probably laugh at, at least), but no. Nuh-uh, this was probably worse. The DJ must be pretty young, the song of their choosing being a slowed, bass-boosted, sexier remix of Earned It by the Weeknd.

Ano 'to, bold? Fifty Shades of Grey? The hell was this?

Alright. This was embarrassing. Thank the heavens there were no children at this party. From the music alone and its implications, this was strictly for adults.

You removed your blindfold (that was okay now, right?) as the guests whistled playfully. You peeked one eye open reluctantly, then inwardly groaned. Oh, no. You should've expected it to be him of all people from how loud the reactions were. And all those yells from the crowd were from his family.

Son of a—

"Well, this has proven to be a very interesting arrangement!" the host proclaimed. "Our lucky man for tonight is none other than our great clan leader's heir, Maliksi Armanaz! Congratulations, sir! You get to slip the lacey little garter on Miss Y/N!"

The said very smug tikbalang stood a few feet away from the chair you were sitting on, smirking at you. His hair was no longer in that mesmerizing ponytail—instead, he'd tied it into a more sinfully attractive man-bun, loose strands framing his face and accentuating that sharp, angled jaw of his (say yes and thank you to Manny Jacinto's jawline, besties).

"Let's cheer him on in his new mission, everybody!" the host pushed. Was this that glint in his eye earlier? And was that a one thousand peso bill sticking out of his pocket?

The groomsmen, Mal's cousins and uncles whom you've met before, hollered words of encouragement to the tall man (who was, oddly enough, not one bit fazed). In fact, Maliksi seemed like he was famished as he stared you down.

You swallowed, feeling like you were going to get eaten (heh, say that again). Maliksi had shrugged off his dark suit blazer to the beat of the song (holy fuck, he also unclasped the suspenders attached to his pants right before your eyes—asdfghjkl). Were you prepared for this? No. Will you ever be prepared? No!

"Mr. Armanaz, before you begin," the host interrupted. "We have an additional challenge for you in this mission. Kaya mo ba? It was a request of the newlywed couple."

"What is it?"

"Use your teeth!" the bride and the groom cheerfully shouted, clapping with the other guests. Whatdidtheysaaaaay???

The cocky bastard didn't even hesitate, his smirk at you growing wider; those pearly whites of his on full display. Was it just you or were his canines a little sharper than usual?

"Anything for the newlyweds. Challenge accepted," he dashingly replied, winking at you. You sputtered indignantly. Pisteng yawa. Putangina. Putek. Pakshet. You swore you thought of every swear word in the book at that moment. What did that YouTube parody song about Filipino mythological creatures say again? About the tikbalang? Ah, yes. Half-macho dancer and half-stallion. Maybe the joke was true, especially when you saw what Maliksi did next.

He bit the shred of lace, loosening his necktie (bestie, you good there?), unbuttoning some top buttons, and rolling up the sleeves of his collared white undershirt up to his elbows (consequently showing off his toned, veiny forearms—those lucky bridesmaids behind him nearly fainted). Honestly, you felt like you were about to lose your mind from embarrassment. With how tantalizing your guy best friend was being? Let our response be: San Pedro, kunin mo na ako. Was he doing all this to tease you? To rile you up?

Because damn it all, it was working. In your ten years of knowing Maliksi Armanaz, withstanding all his daily dirty jokes and flirtatious attempts, never had you seen him like this. So... wolfish. Ravenous. Like he was a man that hadn't been fed in years.

He stalked closer towards you, falling to his knees in front of your legs. Your gown had a long slit that extended up to an inch or two below where your left leg began—your best friend was eyeing his target already, knowing where to place the garter. Normally, you would never even wear something as revealing as this gown. It just wasn't your type, but Maliksi was the one who bought this for you for this specific occasion, so you had no choice. It was this or your pantulog he stole you in just hours ago. At first, you were confident in the gown. Now? You felt too... naked.

Somehow, in the heat of it all, you'd muted out the noise of the venue. Maliksi teasingly lifted your foot up, fingertips slyly grazing the thin shoe straps around your left foot—his calculated touch leaving fire in its trail. Once the garter had been successfuly inserted past your high-heeled stilettos, the man kneeling in front of you kept his hands to himself. Despite the fact that now there was absolutely zero skin-to-skin contact between you and this man, your body felt hotter than it ever was before as he expertly slid the lacy bit of cloth up your ankle at an agonizingly slow pace.

Maliksi's warm eyes had turned dark, his pupils blown, a tinge of red in them—of his true beast—while he maintained striking eye contact with you, pulling the garter up your calf with his teeth. Smoothly tugging... tugging... tugging. Tangina, it was like he was undressing you with his eyes alone; like he was telepathically telling you to keep your eyes open.

To keep your eyes on him, where he was knelt inbetween your legs, his hands intentionally locked on his back. Did you ever imagine this? Him between your legs? Maybe. Once or twice. But you never thought about it seriously; Maliksi dated girls left and right in the past.

His lips... his lips were so close... so close to your leg that you could feel the heat of his breath along with the lace. Were you about to die? Perhaps you already did. Maybe you were in heaven. Up... up... up... snap!

Suddenly, he stopped, grinning up at you mischievously and letting the elastic bounce back to the skin of your left knee.

"I'm not going any further, don't worry, babe," he whispered, noting that your eyes had become misty and glazed over. Internally, he grew worried. "That's enough." Did he think it was from discomfort? From you being uncomfortable? Bitch, no. It was the exact opposite. You had never been this turned on in your entire life.

You felt like your soul had left your body at that moment. Did you just have a heart attack? Was your blood pressure okay? Before you or Maliksi could stand, however, someone bellowed from the wedding sponsor tables.

"Higher! That's an order!"

Fucking hell, it was Maliksi's father who shouted. He wasn't in the huge tikbalang form you'd normally meet him in, but he was still very intimidating in his humanoid form, commanding attention and subservience wherever he went. You could tell where Maliksi got it from.

Instantly, the other guests—already half-drunk and wanting the spirit of partying to continue on—joined in.

"Higher! Higher!"

The host cheered, "You heard Señor Armanaz! Higher!"

Maliksi gave you a questioning look. Even if it was his father who spoke up, he still wouldn't do anything you didn't want. Well, you two made it this far; there was no point in getting embarrassed now. You bit the inside of your cheek, nodding. You probably couldn't erase the redness on your skin with how much you'd blushed from this night. It was as if the heat was tattooed onto your skin.

"Go on, Mal," you whispered to him, bending your torso down closer to his face, eyes half-lidded from want. "Finish what you started, babe."

With those sultry bedroom eyes he'd never once seen you show him before—plus you turning the tables with that familiar term of endearment, how could he refuse? Like a switch had been flipped inside him, he immediately complied, taking the frilly scrap of stretchy lace between his teeth once more, moving it further up to your thighs until where your high slit ended—centimeters below the warming juncture between your legs.

Your legs felt wobbly... boneless, as you stood up from the chair, the fabric of your gown cascading over where the lace sat securely on your upper left thigh. The party was still going strong even after you two finished the garter wearing tradition.

"'Atta boy! That's my son!" Señor Armanaz blazoned, standing up and raising his glass for a toast. "Cheers to the newlywed couple! May they last forever!"

You guys weren't the newlyweds, but it did sure feel like it. If the clan leader was hyped up, everyone was hyped up. Heck, the groom and the bride didn't mind one bit what had just transpired on their dance floor. In all the chaos, Maliksi took you out of the reception area and somewhere quieter. More private.

You would need to have a serious, urgent talk with your boy best friend.

》》》

You two silently sat on a stone bench in a gazebo somewhere in the reserved venue for the wedding, trying to cool down and get yourselves back together (at this point, you needed ice from that steamy, half-scandalous event you just went through). Here, there was no one else except for the chirping of crickets, the lush trees surrounding the area, and the golden fairy lights strewn all over the roof. Awkwardness was something you'd expected after what just happened, but somehow, you still felt comfort in this man's presence. For the past thirty minutes, both of you just stayed still, lost in your thoughts and reflecting.

"Mal?" you finally spoke up.

"... Hmm?"

"Ano tayo?"

"Whatever you want us to be."

Your fingers instinctively reached out for his, just like they always did when you were anxious. Sensing this, he grasped your hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Soothingly. He massaged the skin of your fingers, distracting you from your nervousness. It seemed like both nothing and everything changed between both of you. The gesture was the same, but so different at the same time.

"Mahal mo ako." It was not a question. It was a statement. A truth—one that you'd been too blind to see before. One that you only discovered while you stared into each other's eyes in that party not as best friends. You realized with a jolt in your heart what he really felt for you, and now, what you really felt for him. In those thirty minutes of silence, you knew. You just knew.

"Yes. I do."

"... Just as a best friend?" you probed.

"..."

Finally, you gazed into his eyes, previously so dark and full of hunger. Now? Just reluctant. Vulnerable. Open. Unsure of what to do next.

Seems like you had to be the one to take initiative tonight. Taking out your phone, you opened your music app and pressed play on a certain song. Ikaw at Ako by Johnoy Danao. You removed your heels (which were starting to blister your ankles and toes), then pulled him up to stand.

"Dance with me," you murmured, grabbing his arms to wrap them around your waist. He was stiff. Tense. What was he to do when the woman he's been pining after for so long let him hold her? All his gallantry and ability to romance disappeared out the window the moment you let him touch you so intimately.

You two weren't even waltzing. Just swaying. Slowly, you leaned your head on his broad chest, listening to the steady thump of his heart.

"... I love you," Maliksi admitted in the middle of it all, feeling like he was dreaming. Your head on his chest kept him grounded to reality, however. "More than anything in the universe. I fell for you ever since you patched me up when you were nineteen and I was a reckless drag racer who didn't have a purpose in life. 'Nung dinala mo ako pabalik sa Armanaz Tower on the verge of death. Simula noon, ikaw lang."

"I realized that," you smiled, reminiscing the old memory. You were just a broke college student that time, coming back to your dorm from making your group thesis at a classmate's house. Imagine your panic when you found a half-man, half-horse bleeding out by some bushes on the way home at night. Despite your fear and your little money (only enough to feed you for the week), you went out of your way to buy a first-aid kit at the nearest 7/11. It was scary, but you managed to mend the creature's wounds by the side of the road. When he was finally able to speak, turning fully human (which you admit, freaked you out initially), you arduously carried him back to his address—to his father and his clan, even if you had classes the very next morning. Because of your heroic deed of saving their precious heir, the tikbalang clan had become indebted to you: a teenage girl on the verge of a mental academic breakdown, just making her way through the cruel adult world. How old of a memory that was, you thought, yet you still recalled it in perfect detail. "Just a while ago."

"Ah." He swayed you gently.

"Lahat ng ito, plano mo?"

"... Yes," Maliksi fessed up. "Except for this part where we're here dancing in this belvedere. Wala sa plano ko. Gusto ko sanang magconfess doon sa may fountain para sweet, pero..."

You lifted your head off his chest, smiling at him with one brow raised, "You know, between both of us, you're supposed to be the spontaneous one. Planning isn't usually your thing."

"I know. It's a failure, huh?" Maliksi sighed.

"Nah." You shook your head, then suddenly locked lips with him. It was so fast and surprising he didn't even get the chance to return your first kiss. For once, you caught him off guard. You pecked him on the lips again. "It's not a failure."

"Wha—"

"I'm sorry for making you wait, Maliksi. Ten years. We're twenty-nine now, and only tonight do I realize how blind I've been. We've been going around in circles, wasting so much time. Ayoko nang mag-aksaya ng oras," you whispered guiltily against his lips. How could you have been so blind? Andaming nasayang na taon. Making up your mind, you told him, "Yes. Sige, I accept. I'll be your plus one."

The tikbalang was flustered and baffled from the kiss, as well as your revelation, "... But, you already are?"

"No, silly. I meant that I'll be your plus one for life. For as long as you'll have me," you laughed, now processing that you were currently dancing barefoot with your boy best friend and had just kissed him in a wedding you didn't even plan on going to. The universe had a mysterious way of doing things. "Guess I'm the spontaneous one now, huh?"

Maliksi was tongue-tied. "Seryoso ka ba? Is... Is this a marriage proposal?"

"Whatever you want it to be," you echoed his words back to him. "Best friend, plus one, girlfriend, wife—mmpf!"

He kissed you so hard your lips bruised. After an impromptu makeout session which was definitely more in character for Maliksi, you both pulled away, panting heavily in search for air, still desperate for passion. He cupped your cheeks, giving you a sweet, featherlight Eskimo kiss.

"You're missing one more title."

"Hm? What do you mean, Mal?"

"Love of my life." He kissed you again, this time lifting you off your feet and spinning you around (his sneaky right hand was resting on your bum, too, giving it a tight squeeze). You know in the Princess Diaries where the main character's foot just... pops whenever the prince charming kissed her? Yeah, that happened to you on that humid summer night. This was right. You two were meant to be together. Everything was falling into place.

The bungalow you reserved for your Batangas vacation leave ended up being the site of your very eventful honeymoon with the Prince of the Tikbalang (with his libido, it wasn't that difficult to continue where you'd left off in the garter toss; that scrap of lace came off your leg the same way it went on). Actually, nauna pa ang honeymoon sa actual wedding (it was definitely spontaneous). Right after your confession in that alcove, you two went to Maliksi's father to ask for his blessing (which he gladly gave, cackling and saying that it took you long enough) before you guys went driving off to Batangas that night. You and Mal indeed had lots and lots of fun in that resort (I'll let you imagine the rest). More beautiful memories were made from that point on—this time, not just as best friends.

All that and your small, intimate wedding occurred in early April. Just when you thought that it'd be impossible to fulfill Maliksi's life goal of having a baby within the year (nine months of pregnancy meant that the earliest you'd give birth would be January next year), the impossible happened.

Exactly thirty-two weeks later, on New Year's Eve, the Armanaz herd welcomed one prince and two new princesses into the world. Triplets who were instantly adored by everyone in the clan.

Señor Armanaz had never been happier, and so were you and your husband. Your best friend. The love of your life. Your forever plus one.

Maybe being spontaneous wasn't so bad after all.

Taglist: @belladaises @binibiningbabaylan @4kodzuk3n @sparklingmallow @severuslovebot @holyshxtangel @marinac15 @space-flamingo @pippethealien @kashasenpai @disappointmentpastry @hornehlittleweeblet2 @seijohoe @monimiin @ibelievein2dmensupremacy @tinybonksharkcop @methehipster @banisuoh @genshin-idiot @lemonnie-kimmie

[travelling-on-the-octopath]

Okay so me and the sis are in Chapter 10 in AG (got Marianne!! babygirl <3) and watched the convo between Dimitri, Claude, and Rhea. Way more cordial than I thought it'd be, though Claude still throws a bit of shade at the Church. In an amount that's more readily understandable, at least, but knowing what it snowballs into in his route is. Ugh. Do like him combining his and her strategies together to take the best from both of them tho, that was neat.

What's interesting to me tho is Dimitri. Cuz Claude flat out asks him if he's going to keep giving the Church refuge, and Dimitri answers with basically that "well the Church is important to my people so I have to." Which... kinda doesn't answer the question. And Claude presses on and asks "so if it wasn't useful you wouldn't?" and Dimitri goes "well that likely won't happen anytime soon, or at all." Which. Very much doesn't answer the question. And given Dimitri's general attitude with the Church matching this, it gives the very heavy implication that Dimitri would, in fact, leave the Church in the dust should it not be useful to the Kingdom.

Which, like. Why? The Gard hating on the Church - something which, in 3H, was almost exclusively portrayed as a beacon of hope - makes sense for her to do, since she was the villain. But why is Claude suddenly so down on outright toppling it and murdering its leader (fuck all those who need it/her - that thing that Claude himself acknowledged was true in 3H), and why is Dimitri pussyfootin' so hard about whether he'd help it outside of necessity or not (fuck saving those who are being unjustly persecuted - you know, his entire character)? I'd understand it if the Church were portrayed as more nefarious and dubious in this game, but if anything they come across as better in Hopes than in 3H! Especially when the common-ground enemy for a three-lord-team-up is LITERALLY RIGHT THERE with TWS, not the Church? Maybe I'm still missing something since we haven't beaten AG yet, but it just seems so pointless to me

I'm going to get into spoilers for supports (that have no bearing on plot) so if you want to avoid those lemme know and I'll make another post addressing it another way, but Dimitri's personal apathy toward the church also has me scratching my head?? Which isn't to say that I dislike it, or think it was a bad choice--just that I don't understand why it's a thing. Like let's go on a small journey here.

We're going to ignore events from Houses, because all the game really does here is provide foundational characterization. But honestly the shit that happens in Hopes is a little more damning </3 Dimitri says, incomprehensibly in his support with Claude, that he agrees with him on a personal level regarding the Church, while as king, he can't. What I don't understand is why he'd feel those things personally at all.

Mercedes-Dimitri B Support:

Okay, so the townsfolk being helped by the church are thankful.

Mercedes-Dimitri A-support:

Call me delusional, but this doesn't really seem like a guy who personally would be all right if the Central Church went bye-bye, if for literally nothing else than he says he can't personally oversee every little town in Faerghus. And before I hear someone cry theocracy, because I already have, there are examples in real life of a religious institution, like a church, offering aid to local communities because they fall under the radar of the overseeing government.

And let's not forget that the Central Church does fuck-all when Dimitri throws open the doors to Duscur and begins reparations. Not a peep from them, and this is before the war phase starts/they're officially on the same side. Everyone on the continent is quite literally free to do whatever they want, so long as they're not marching on Garreg Mach with the intention to literally light it on fire. The Empire undergoes its reforms without a damn word; the Alliance becomes a Federation unencumbered; and Dimitri finally began repairing the relationship between Faerghus and Duscur, to the point where portions of their armies overlap.

Dimitri appreciates the stability Rhea offered after the Tragedy. Dimitri knows how important the church is to his people. Dimitri knows they haven't done anything to deserve the ire of literally everyone else on the continent. His main internal conflict is that taking them in basically painted a target on Faerghus' back, and in every route but his, he gets shown how desperate people are to get their hands on the Central Church, and what they're willing to do to Faerghus to get to them. So . . . why is he personally okay with them being put to bed. I don't get it at all.

[ruiyuki]

"Vanitas": The Name and Legacy

Vanitas declares early on that his motive for using the Book of Vanitas to save vampires of the Red Moon is to take "revenge against the Vampire of the Blue Moon". But some of his actions, reactions and expressions seem to contradict a conventional interpretation of "revenge". Seeing how MochiJun is a master of conveying things through facial expressions, nondescript panels, and double meanings, here's my stab at trying to figure out a bit of Vanitas' complexity and his (??hidden??) motives.

⚠️⚠️⚠️ MANGA SPOILERS, obv ⚠️⚠️⚠️

Also this analysis is really long. ‼Continuation in reblogs.‼

For the sake of minimizing confusion I'm going to refer to our!Vanitas as "Vani", Vampire of the Blue Moon (VotBM) as "Luna", and the name "Vanitas"/"Vanitas of the Blue Moon" as a title in this analysis.

0. "Revenge" against the VotBM

Now, what kicked me into this train of thought initially was watching the scene where Vani announces his revenge plot to all during the Bal Masque. Ofc Bones is doing quite a good job with the anime (I can honestly forgive them for leaving out some scenes knowing budget constraints and that this was probably produced during COVID; it's just more reason to get viewers to read the manga) but there are still some subtle nuances that MochiJun puts in her work that don't get translated into the adaptation. So I revisited Memoire 7 and something just didn't sit right upon looking at that scene retrospectively – which I'll get to that in a bit – but first let me recap what is my interpretation of Vani's proclamation:

The origin story we were told at the start of the series illustrates that vampires are typically born under the Red Moon, except for the one born under the Blue Moon. VotBM, given the moniker "Vanitas of the Blue Moon" by others at the time, is said to have created the Book of Vanitas capable of manipulating the World Formulas in order to curse all the RM vampires that casted them out of vampire society. Cursing the RM vampires = turning them into curse-bearers inflicted with malnomen.

Vani's "revenge" against the VotBM is to use their name "Vanitas" and the Book to cure all RM vampires of their curses and malnomen. In that sense, Vani saving the vampires is directly opposing the vow to curse all RM vampires as told in the VotBM origin story.

Vani's revenge claim seems pretty straight forward. There is nothing of the sort as to claiming he will turn the vampires into humans, or rewrite their existence into something they are not, etc. It is literally just "I will heal you from your sickness out of spite towards the thing that wants you to suffer". His feral revenge proclamation on top of the chandelier lines up with his feral "I will save you no matter what, using whatever method I choose" at the end of Memoire 1 as Noé points out:

So here's the thing that felt a little out of place upon my rereading of Memoire 7:

This panel. Idk about you but as a long time reader of Pandora Hearts, imo one thing that makes MochiJun such a talented artist and great storyteller of plot twists and angst is how she depicts emotions in facial expressions – it is very subtle with a certain finesse. With the above panel, Vani's expression doesn't necessarily look like "anger" or "vengeance" to me. Rather (and it took me a while to place it actually, flipping back and forth between newer and older chapters) his expression looks... melancholic? Melancholy with sense of conviction.

It's noteworthy that MochiJun has made an intentional choice to emphasize Vani gripping his closed fist and his distant stare here, so it has to be important. So, what could Vani be thinking of in this moment? And why?

I. Vani's hidden expressions and feelings towards Luna

To (attempt to) figure out what might be going through Vani's mind in this moment, let's take a look at some moments we've seen Vani making different expressions and when he's thinking back to the VotBM – or really, his time with Luna. Vani claims he hates vampires, but there are obvious exceptions (Jeanne, Noé). What's interesting though is that, despite claiming to hate the VotBM, I don't think he hates Luna. He may hate the being that Luna is but I don't think he hates Luna as a person.

We can see the difference between his hatred and active desire to kill Moreau, as well as his completely blank, no-remorse kinda expression toward the Chasseur's cross in the Catacombes arc vs the above panel after his revenge proclamation:

Also contrast the above chandelier expression to Vani's empty look of distain in Dante's flashback when they first meet:

I would say none of these Vani expressions look very similar to the chandelier one — the empty or blank stares are missing a sense of resolve and the teeth-gritting smirk lacks any bit of sadness felt in the scene. Now, when do we ever see Vani make another expression of what I would call melancholy?

Ughghgh these panels break my heart every time bc there is such a sense of sadness, it's distant but palpable and it is t r a g i c... but I digress.

We have no way of knowing what Vani is thinking in these panels but I have a few ideas:

Vani thinks back to something Luna said about how one should use the Book of Vanitas when Noé says using the Book's power to cure curse-bearers is "overwhelmingly right". What Luna said? Who knows, but it may be along the same lines of "despite its power" and "doing the right thing".

Vani realizes the reason Misha wants Noé to drink his blood is bc Misha doesn't remember what happened That Day. He repeats "... I see." twice as if he's reaffirming to himself that he's the only one left that remembers what happened. If Misha did remember, there would be another person to share the memory but Misha doesn't and Vani is alone in the world in that sense.

If we are to assume that this is what's going through Vani's mind in these moments, then we have to ask why? Vani thinking back to his time with Misha and Luna elicits this sadness (possibly likely?) bc Vani did truly enjoy his time with them and didn't actually hate Luna. In his own flashbacks of Luna teaching he and Misha about malnomen (first being Malnomen Prèdateur in the Catacombes arc, second of Chloé's Malnomen Millie) and the flashback of "love" during the Gevaudan Arc, we see that Vani may be grumpy or indifferent while being with Luna, but he is still attentively listening and comfortable enough around them for them to hug him:

Ofc, we can't forget that Vani, in his fever and poison-induced delirium, even mumbles to himself ".. didn't actually hate... I didn't... Lou..—" while recovering in the cabin with Jeanne. Given that just before this he asks "Is that what you really want? Truly?" in response to Jeanne saying "This time for sure, I'll kill the beast", perhaps we can even posit that Vani didn't actually hate Luna and didn't actually want to kill them? (I have another theory on what could have happened on That Day but let's get through this one first *wheeze*).

So let's summarize:

Vani claims he will cure RM vampires of their malnomen as revenge toward the VotBM, who is said to have created the Book of Vanitas to curse RM vampires that made them an outcast.

Curing RM vampires of malnomen = revenge since it is directly opposing using the Book to inflict curses

But Vani shows a look of sadness mixed with conviction that contradicts what would be thought of when claiming "revenge", which could possibly be him thinking back to his time with Luna, whom he did not actually hate and possibly did not want to kill but had to anyway.

So here's my theory: the reason why Vani has assumed the name "Vanitas" and is on a quest to cure RM vampires of their malnomen with the Book of Vanitas is to "rewrite" the reputation behind the name Vanitas of the Blue Moon.

... And I will continue explaining this in the reblogs ⤵️⤵️⤵️ bc holy fuck this meta is so long I have reached the image limit per post asjfklgs

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: where are you? Janis: put my coat away and everything Jimmy: weren't allowed in Jimmy: face don't fit Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 Janis: serious Janis: thought you said you could get in clubs Janis: hang on then, I'll queue up again 😑 Jimmy: it ain't my fault the door bloke's a dickhead Jimmy: fancies his chances better without me in the way Jimmy: might as well go for it now Jimmy: catch you in a bit 👍 Janis: sure, he's got it in for you, boy 😏 Janis: whatever Jimmy: he wants to put it in you Jimmy: understandable when he's going off how well you scrub up Jimmy: keep it off the snap & it is whatever, girl Janis: gross Janis: he's easily 42 Jimmy: don't knock it til you've tried it Jimmy: we ain't in the north so that ain't death's door Jimmy: & you ain't got me there to buy your drinks now, play it smart, rich girl Jimmy: that's how you stay rich, yeah Janis: well I actually got in so I can check out the talent beyond the door 👍 Janis: but tah for the tips Janis: what are you gonna do then Jimmy: big town full of Leprechauns Jimmy: maybe I'll find the pot of gold, gay clubs are the rainbow I assume Jimmy: start there Jimmy: find my own 👴💕 Janis: 🍀 Janis: funny now but when I end up dead in the river you'll be suspect no.1 Jimmy: like anyone's gonna believe I could take you out Jimmy: too 💪 you Jimmy: worry more about everyone chatting that you turned me 🌈 honestly Janis: ha Janis: like you said, keep it off the snap Janis: anyone sees you in there they'll have to out themselves first so Jimmy: 👌 Janis: laters bae Jimmy: 😘 Janis: [finds him, the kiss, walking away] Jimmy: [follows her out leaving this girl like ??!! as she also follows for the awks] Jimmy: [says 'keeping it short & sweet all across town tonight then?' because now is not the time for bants so obvs he's banting] Janis: [is just looking at the girl like bitch what are you doing and ain't gonna talk to him whilst she's there] Jimmy: [lights a 🚬 for an excuse to be still standing there when he's being blanked, sharing with the random girl just to make it worse, introduces Janis to her by one of her fake names cos actual dickhead] Janis: [completely blanks the girl like it would be obvious you were not welcome; 'how do you know no one saw you?'] Jimmy: [the girl be like UM I'm going back in, are you coming boy & he shrugs like in a bit cos still smoking obvs to prolong this & let's her go before he answers cos not trying to explain fake dating to this random] Jimmy: ['you've been in, it's well dead 'cause of being well shit'] Janis: ['so you don't then, in other words. great.'] Jimmy: ['nobody saw me. Calm down.'] Janis: ['fuck off. if you can't do this properly then why suggest it?'] Jimmy: ['I am doing it properly, I told you, it's alright'] Janis: ['for you maybe but that ain't the only part of the deal so sort it out. fucking amatuer'] Jimmy: ['piss off am I. It is sorted. She ain't from around here & nobody who matters saw us.' Janis: [shakes head 'yeah, you are. fuck sake, how old are you, 12?'] Jimmy: [is clearly fuming but trying to act not bothered. 'You'll be the one who fucks this if you don't trust what I'm telling you, girl'] Janis: ['nah, get why they didn't let you in now; what is this, under 18s night? check how old she was, did you?'] Jimmy: [just gives her a fuck you kind of look but that's a mistake cos she's really hot so has to look away] Jimmy: you got in, what did you follow me to this shithole for? Janis: [is laughing at him but it's obvs fake, then shrugs like, why not?] Jimmy: nah go on, you're such a #pro Jimmy: reasons for everything you do, all part of the plan all the time with you Jimmy: so what Janis: well no shit Janis: I didn't want to come out but it's on socials now so we need at least one decent picture together so they know it's #real Jimmy: come on then Jimmy: [poses in a really fake piss taking way] Janis: are you this shit or what Janis: I said, do it properly or I ain't bothering Jimmy: [does that sexy blowing smoke thing at her so it's basically a kiss like that gif I have of Nico doing it in MMFD & snaps a pic of it] Janis: [nods like that'll work 'cos what's she gonna say] Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [then actually kisses her & again taking pics being all like don't say I don't do shit properly but like we both know he just wants to & its a moment] Janis: [pushes him back 'cos can't deal] Janis: that'll do Janis: keep it softcore, no one needs that much convincing Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: you're seriously going back in there Jimmy: [does the why not shrug she gave him earlier like its so obvious that you want her to tell you not to, boy please] Janis: [scoffs and shrugs back] Janis: have fun Jimmy: try not to fall or get pushed in the river, Joanne Jimmy: it'd be a crying shame that Janis: no one's pushing me away Janis: trust Jimmy: not in that outfit Jimmy: or out of it Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: you've done your snap bragging now, shut up Janis: can't make me Jimmy: 💪🏆 you Jimmy: get that too Janis: good Janis: don't get it twisted Jimmy: 👑 of the #flex Jimmy: nowt twisted here Janis: flexing makes it sound like it ain't true Jimmy: [sends her the pics so she can post them cos ultimate shade for rn that he won't] Jimmy: none of this is Jimmy: what did you say, don't get it twisted, Janet Jimmy: have fun with your #s Jimmy: [goes back inside] Janis: piss off Janis: I can get into places that ain't this dump, remember? Jimmy: you ain't let me forget Jimmy: enjoy being a hot girl then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 🤞 you can find one yourself Jimmy: tah Janis: so welcome Jimmy: 💕 Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: lovely you Jimmy: [leaves again because it actually is shit in there & obvs not feeling it] Janis: don't take it personal Jimmy: weren't & won't Janis: how unlike you Jimmy: you reckon you know what I'm like Janis: I reckon you love thinking you're special Jimmy: if I loved that we wouldn't be doing this Jimmy: I'd just let 'em all fawn over me like its their job while I do mine Janis: better in theory and bullshit than in practice Janis: 🤷 Jimmy: say the same for this fake girlfriend bollocks Janis: 💔 for you Janis: naturally Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: I'll live Janis: shame Jimmy: 💔 for you then Janis: yeah, should be Janis: inconsiderate Jimmy: reckon you've got that covered, my dear Jimmy: but I'll do my best Janis: excuse me? Jimmy: you heard Jimmy: & I bet you understood, smart girl Janis: are you drunk? Jimmy: you calling me a lightweight Jimmy: I weren't in there that long Janis: long enough Janis: 👍 Jimmy: for you maybe Janis: soz you didn't get stinky fingers? Janis: 🎻 Jimmy: yeah you looked proper sorry about it Janis: was I meant to be? Jimmy: don't bother saying it now then Janis: 🙄 Janis: did you a favour anyway Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: please Janis: even you could do better Janis: not doing this so you can throw all my good work away already Jimmy: than a girl who's not from around here, ain't gonna say shit & I don't need to see again Jimmy: not really Jimmy: but go on Janis: whatever, if that's your type Janis: then you may as well make your choice of the basics now and be done with it Jimmy: I don't have a type Jimmy: she did the job for tonight Jimmy: or would've until you turned up Jimmy: if you've got someone better in mind, I'm heading home, send 'em over Janis: lovely you Jimmy: I know Jimmy: tah though Janis: no, thank you for proving my point Jimmy: so welcome Janis: gone, was she Jimmy: or 💀 from the 🔪🔪🔪s you were throwing Jimmy: could've easily bled out while you were having your strop Janis: just playing the part Janis: like you were meant to Janis: or you want your fake gf to be that cool girl Janis: 🙄 figures Jimmy: I only clock in when there's actually an audience, babe Jimmy: like you're meant to Jimmy: & as I told you, there weren't Janis: sure Janis: you did a whole sweep of the club to doublecheck Janis: idiot Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: it ain't big or packed Jimmy: & anyway if you were playing a role you'd have kicked off in front of the everyone you're so sure was about Jimmy: not outside to me Janis: not my style Janis: but you did your part by following me out like a puppy so we're fine Jimmy: 'cause I ain't no amateur Jimmy: weren't gonna let you fuck it up by fucking off without a word Jimmy: thought you paddy's loved a bar fight Jimmy: actually 💔💔 Janis: and I know boys love bitch fights, don't mean you're gonna get one from me Jimmy: gutted me Jimmy: of all the fake girlfriends I could've had Jimmy: lumbered with a dud like Julie over here Janis: find another one then Janis: save me the hassle Jimmy: bit late for that Jimmy: deal's done Jimmy: posts are posted Janis: people break up Janis: ain't even that deep Jimmy: 1 day in? Jimmy: that's the rep you want Jimmy: alright then Janis: why ain't it your rep Jimmy: I'm the lad I'm always gonna come off better Jimmy: either I dumped you this fast 'cause you wouldn't fuck me or 'cause you did Jimmy: It don't matter to me Jimmy: & It don't look bad for me whichever way Janis: that's bullshit Janis: when's the soonest I can get out of this then Jimmy: yeah but it's the way it'll look Jimmy: I don't know Jimmy: not had to stage a fake break up before Janis: fuck sake Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: fuck off with that Janis: all you've done this whole time is whine you didn't get laid Janis: like I stopped you Jimmy: I ain't said shit about it even though you did stop me Jimmy: you're the one with so much chat on the subject Janis: bullshit, you're moaning on and on like I'm gonna feel sorry for you Janis: you could've gone back in, she clearly didn't care you've got a fake girlfriend Jimmy: bollocks Jimmy: & you clearly scared her off Jimmy: she didn't know about you, I don't lead with that chat up line Janis: yeah she's that fucking stupid Janis: just 'cos you're oblivious don't reckon everyone else is Jimmy: oblivious to what Jimmy: you weren't there & I didn't give her anything real Jimmy: she can't stalk my socials to check my fake relationship status without my name Janis: when I showed up Janis: to me, playing my part Janis: if you reckon she didn't clock that then you're literally braindead Jimmy: like I said, you scared her off Jimmy: & stopped me Jimmy: why am I repeating myself, are you the drunk one now Janis: bullshit Janis: don't use me as an excuse for whyever you pussied out Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: I went back in, I don't need excuses it's literally what happened Jimmy: you fucked it up for me Jimmy: I'm good but nobody's that good Janis: 👌 Janis: whatever makes you feel better about your fuck up Jimmy: whatever makes you feel better about putting on a show for nobody but me & her Janis: you wish Jimmy: if this is your coming out, sure you could track her down & crack on, you did me easy enough Janis: hilarious Janis: even if I was gay, I'd have standards Jimmy: I've got standards but I've also got a nightmare of a fake girlfriend so Jimmy: well paranoid about getting rumbled she is Janis: 1. clearly not Janis: 2. well yeah, 'cos I ain't doing this for my fucking health Janis: like you said, you're gonna fuck up my rep when you've promised the opposite Jimmy: 1. I've already told you, needs must Jimmy: 2. fuck knows why you're doing it when you're so up yourself & convinced you can get anyone else you want Jimmy: like I said & yeah, promised, a deal's a deal Jimmy: I ain't gonna do nowt of the sort Jimmy: just calm down Janis: yeah, this is 100% about getting boys to wanna ride me Janis: boys are easy, no one needs to try to impress yous Janis: and don't tell me to calm down, seriously Janis: 'less you wanna see the opposite Jimmy: I don't give a shit what it's about for you Jimmy: you agreed to do this that's all that matters to me Jimmy: but I knew that's how you 🍀 welcomed the tourists Jimmy: better late than never Janis: stop chatting like you know then, twat Jimmy: only a rule for you that? Jimmy: you've been chatting like you know me this whole night Jimmy: leave it out or show up to my door for the brawl you want & tick off another nightmare girlfriend cliche before tomorrow Janis: you reckon you can propose it and come off all mysterious Janis: nah 😂 Janis: don't worry, sure everyone else is still wondering, new boy Jimmy: 👍 Janis: we're probably good now for a few days anyway yeah Janis: so enjoy Jimmy: will do Jimmy: have a good one Jimmy: 💕 Janis: say you too but you're going home? Jimmy: like I said, I'll live Jimmy: got work tomorrow anyway Janis: best to face them not-hungover I guess Jimmy: we can say that's the reason Janis: oh my GOD Janis: give it up Jimmy: already have Jimmy: that's why I'm on my way home Janis: I mean, sadsack, I ain't apologizing Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: so much effort, you Jimmy: you too, babe Jimmy: must be #fated Janis: eurgh Janis: shut up 😂 Jimmy: alright Jimmy: night then Janis: now he listens Jimmy: not on the 🕒 girl, soz Jimmy: soon enough Janis: you hear me asking for a latte Jimmy: I mean your fake boyfriend one Jimmy: & you'd never ask for a latte, piss off Jimmy: I don't have to know you to know that Janis: MY 🕒? Janis: YOUR fake girlfriend one, own it at least Janis: alright, you can 'know' that much Janis: 'cos I'd have to throw it in your face before I drank it so Jimmy: iced it is then Jimmy: burn scars ain't the sexy sort Janis: rude but true Janis: not giving them the satisfaction of a wet t-shirt moment 🤢 Jimmy: shame Janis: like romcoms too do you Janis: seriously, give in to your pride and date fucking Janis: samantha, whatever her name is Jimmy: I watched some before I suggested this 'cause I take this shit seriously, alright, shut up Janis: 😂 Janis: that bodes well Janis: did you not make the end of any, boy Jimmy: fuck that Jimmy: I was skimming Jimmy: you ain't paying me nowt for this Janis: well I've been forced through enough to know that it never works because the people are idiots Janis: so try not to be one, eh Janis: just this once Jimmy: same to you, girl Jimmy: I get it, I'm really 💪😎 & the accent's 🔥 but don't get carried away, yeah Janis: 🙄 Janis: we're safe Janis: don't worry Jimmy: not if you keep dressing like that Jimmy: sort it out, Jasmine Jimmy: uglier the better 👌 Janis: dickhead Janis: what you want an ugly fake gf for Jimmy: be more #goals Jimmy: #Iloveheranyway Jimmy: #itaintjustskindeepladies Janis: 😒 Janis: well thanks for the insult but too bad 'cos I ain't ever Jimmy: It was literally the opposite of an insult, dickhead Jimmy: I'm saying I'm still a lad alright Jimmy: & when you look like that it's just Janis: it obviously ain't if until now you reckoned I was #ugenough to get the job done so 🖕 Janis: don't take the piss Jimmy: that ain't what I reckoned or what I said Janis: mhmm Janis: ⛏ Jimmy: you're such a knob Jimmy: what kind of fake girlfriend can't take a compliment Janis: what kind of fake boyfriend can't give one Janis: that's the real question, babe Jimmy: I literally just told you how hot you looked, babe Jimmy: try & stay with me here Janis: go on then Janis: what's the punchline Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: the joke is that I'm back home this early Jimmy: my dad's still up Jimmy: & he ain't the type to wait Janis: that's tragic Janis: poor baby Janis: could be worse, he could still be out Janis: then you'd be a real loser Jimmy: I see that & raise you he's got his girlfriend here Jimmy: might genuinely throw up in the kitchen sink Janis: oh dear Janis: least he might think you're at least drunk, sadsack Jimmy: might get drunk now to deal Jimmy: one sec Janis: honestly Janis: shoulda stayed at the nappy night Janis: weren't that bad Jimmy: if I'd known I was coming home to Michael Bublé & two sets of red wine teeth Jimmy: if you still want that fight come & 💀💀 me Janis: You'll get no mercy from me Janis: even if that's the worst thing I've ever heard Jimmy: come on Jimmy: if that's not truce worthy nowt is Jimmy: end my life & be a hot widow what could be more #goals Janis: 😂 Janis: there's no way I like you that much after a day, even faking it Janis: and no chance we've cashed in any sort of life insurance so Jimmy: actually if I 💀 myself you'll get A's in your exams Jimmy: hang on Jimmy: just leaving you a 💕 note Janis: that's definitely a myth Janis: whole school of scabs turning up at cambo like eyy someone topped themselves so now I'm a professor of theology Janis: I think not Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: & you could've said before I blew my brains out all over my dad & the love of his week but Janis: 🤷 Janis: maybe if you hadn't left it 'til the 💕💀 note to be nice to me Jimmy: when that girl finds out she's gonna think it's because she's a shit kisser Jimmy: that's awkward Jimmy: might have to go haunt her for a bit Jimmy: make sure she knows Jimmy: play some Bublé tunes Janis: again Janis: saving it for the afterlife to be considerate Janis: dickhead Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: tell 'em none of his songs at my funeral & I won't haunt you too hard Janis: come on, sure he's murdered my way Janis: just your speed Janis: basic white boy Jimmy: It ain't my fault my parents are both too northern to branch out Janis: save it for when your Swayze'ing that bitch Janis: sure she thinks you're dead exotic Jimmy: 👍 idea Jimmy: tah babe Janis: whatever Janis: we've established you've only got 👎 ones so Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: this fake dating one is working out top Jimmy: deny it Jimmy: I saw how everyone reacted to the posts I gave you Janis: you can take a picture Jimmy: & pose for one Jimmy: this basic white boy is working for you Janis: my ancestors will be thrilled Janis: #reparationsbitch Jimmy: mine too, I bet Janis: I mean, anything beats dying down a mine, I suppose Janis: probs racists though, even if the blackface weren't intentional Jimmy: I'd take it over my present right now Jimmy: pretty sure my dad's a racist still, even if he also likes Seal Janis: lovely Janis: remind me to not come over for tea Jimmy: invite's in the post, my love Janis: 👍 Janis: give us all the chance to 'lose' it Jimmy: 'course Jimmy: but I'm giving you the chance to lose it when you come over too so Jimmy: love a fight you Jimmy: & my dad's got a very smackable face Jimmy: & personality Janis: begin to sound more and more like you've got a fetish Jimmy: shit's kicking off right now & I haven't asked you to tag team Jimmy: got me all wrong Janis: bummer Janis: he pick a minger too? Janis: should've left her at the club like you did Jimmy: he'd have to leave her in the office & that don't work for long Jimmy: perils of 😍 over the water cooler Janis: eurgh Janis: is your whole fam just one big cliche or Jimmy: piss off Janis: just saying Janis: that's two no-nos ticked off Jimmy: well don't say it Jimmy: I'm living it, that's enough Janis: alright Jimmy: alright Jimmy: don't fuck anyone I wouldn't Jimmy: saves us comparing notes Janis: the basic white girls and you are safe Janis: I'll never find out how disappointing you are 💕 Jimmy: You've misunderstood this entire thing, you're my fake girlfriend 'cause I don't wanna fuck basic white girls Jimmy: but 👌 Janis: I thought so too but you must be the confused one Janis: strobe lights were not going that hard Jimmy: she weren't top of my list Jimmy: I told you, needs must Janis: keep protesting, it's so convincing Janis: least it's just me who caught you out 😂 could've been worse Jimmy: alright shut up Jimmy: you've never had a shit night, have you Janis: obviously not Janis: have you seen me Jimmy: you ain't getting no more compliments I'm still holding onto the last one since you wouldn't take it Janis: 1. it was not a compliment Janis: 2. not like I need it Jimmy: 1. yeah it was Jimmy: 2. nah you just want it Janis: 1. no Janis: 2. and no Jimmy: Obviously you're fit that's why I asked you so leave it out Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: p sure you told me to leave it 'cos you were losing but Jimmy: need more chatting up than a real girlfriend you Janis: that's just a tragic insight into your dating history I didn't need, really Jimmy: you wish, baby Janis: ew cease and desist Janis: we definitely no'd that one Jimmy: 😂 Janis: so annoying Jimmy: I told you, #fated Janis: you call it #fated, I call it #doomed Jimmy: it's all still bollocks Jimmy: no # needed Jimmy: 💕 Janis: so poetic Jimmy: wait til you read the 💀 note Janis: I look forward to it Janis: how long 'fore I can move on with the actual hot barista though Jimmy: a day for a day Jimmy: only fair Jimmy: I get it, you couldn't score him first time round so get him with the sympathy Jimmy: well played Janis: you gave me no time Janis: not like it's my usual haunt Jimmy: it's still your home town Jimmy: get a better excuse Janis: I don't make it my business to know everyone else's Jimmy: if he's that hot no need for him to be just a rebound off my demise Jimmy: sort yourself out, girl Janis: sort yourself out for doubting his hotness Jimmy: I ain't Jimmy: I'm doubting your ability to close that deal Janis: fuck you Janis: never had an off day, remember Jimmy: only got your word for that Jimmy: & what's that worth with how much shit you chat Janis: whatever Janis: you already said you think I'm hot Janis: can't change your mind now Jimmy: you are Jimmy: don't mean that basic white lad wants you Janis: why wouldn't he Jimmy: I'll let you know when I've chatted to him on shift tomorrow Jimmy: maybe he likes his missus' more humble for a start Janis: no you won't Janis: and humble is just code for no self-esteem which you only want to cover up your own failings Jimmy: yeah I will Jimmy: & yeah maybe he's into that Jimmy: loads of lads are Janis: um he's #special and #different Janis: so don't ruin it for me with your chatter Jimmy: you're blinded by your 😍 Jimmy: & you ruined tonight for me so why shouldn't I Jimmy: makes us even Janis: no it don't Janis: she weren't no barista boy, get real Jimmy: don't matter to me Jimmy: nowt in the rules about keeping things fair Jimmy: we didn't even come up with any so Janis: even=fair so you don't get to get even by that logic, fool Janis: and pretty self-explanatory, just real relationship rules but make them fake Jimmy: even as I call it, fair as I call it Janis: fuck that Janis: you don't get to call everything Jimmy: watch me Janis: nah, you need me Janis: remember Janis: that's why it's a deal Jimmy: maybe I don't need you as much as I reckoned Jimmy: the basic white girl tonight weren't that bad Janis: like I said, call it off then Janis: in what world do I need to do what you tell me Jimmy: in the same world where you think I would do anything you tell me Jimmy: so the one we're in Janis: I ain't told you to do shit Jimmy: you are now Jimmy: call it off yourself, don't try & make me do it for you Janis: I'm saying don't act like you've got something over me Janis: at least something that I don't also have over you Janis: it ain't that deep, God Jimmy: deep enough for you to keep saying it ain't Jimmy: so convincing, babe Janis: 😑 Janis: you're the most annoying person I've had the misfortune of meeting Jimmy: nah 🥇 you Janis: well I love myself Janis: so obviously not Jimmy: let's ask about Jimmy: I reckon you'll win easy Janis: only if we were asking only the girls Janis: and you're new, you're basically anything they want you to be 'til your personality ruins it Jimmy: you're so popular with the lads, alright I heard you the first 100 times you said it Jimmy: get one of them to fake date you Janis: nah, this is the first sincere offer of fake dating I've ever Janis: so you can still feel special Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: I can go to bed feeling like this is better than anything I could dream Jimmy: tah so much Janis: welcome Janis: do what I can Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: so far it's piss me off but let's see what tomorrow brings Janis: ain't on the ⏲ Janis: you didn't do all the convincing yourself though Jimmy: you ain't the one who needs to be convinced of owt Jimmy: thank fuck Jimmy: easy targets Janis: ain't saying I am Janis: saying give me the credit I'm owed and you'll get yours Jimmy: bollocks Janis: ? Jimmy: you were ready to slag me off earlier & loving it when you could give me credit for getting off with someone who ain't gonna ruin this Janis: it ain't the who it's the where, twat Janis: it ain't your hometown, you ain't got a clue who was or wasn't there, lbr Janis: give a fuck if you took her home but you can't be doing it in public 'til this is done Janis: simple as Jimmy: fuck's sake Jimmy: trust me Janis: why? Janis: I don't know you, you don't know me Jimmy: we're in this together or we're fucking not Jimmy: if I weren't as bothered as you I wouldn't be wasting my time Janis: fine Janis: don't be stupid about it then Jimmy: I weren't & I won't Janis: then there's no problem here Jimmy: 👍 Janis: night then Jimmy: 💕 Janis: remember to ❤ the pics Jimmy: already did Jimmy: try & keep up with me, girl Janis: 👌 Janis: keen as always, boy Jimmy: serious Jimmy: remember that next time Janis: yeah, I was the one taking it not serious Janis: 👍 Jimmy: just do better tomorrow Janis: are you actually taking the piss Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: one for the road, like Janis: mm Janis: as I said Janis: most annoying Jimmy: as I said, SUCH a good match Janis: just convince them and we're both free Jimmy: already did that too Jimmy: so say the word Jimmy: any time or place Janis: and you already said if we leave it at a fuck, I look bad so Janis: sorry, not yet Jimmy: I'm just saying Jimmy: whenever Janis: alright, I know Janis: not like it's a legally binding contract Jimmy: so I shouldn't have opened a vein to sign something in my blood Jimmy: now she tells me Jimmy: always too late you Janis: 😏 Janis: earlier it was brains, now it's veins Janis: should I call the samaritans Janis: starting to sound like a cry for help, idk 🤔 Jimmy: you heard me say what's happening in my house tonight Jimmy: it is & you should Janis: 😂 Jimmy: glad you find MB on a loop such a laugh Janis: as long as it's drowning out worse Janis: be thankful Jimmy: do you actually want me to 💀💀💀 Janis: awh babe, no Janis: I don't care whether you live or die either way Jimmy: 💕 Janis: that's the type of service you get for free, kid Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [ze next morning] Janis: I've got to come in later Jimmy: really need to throw that latte on me? Janis: ha, obviously Janis: tell me when my sister and that get there, yeah Janis: remember what they look like Jimmy: it was only a handful of kisses, you gotta get over your jealousy about last night, Jill Jimmy: & yeah Jimmy: my best customers that's the type of service you get here at the CG Janis: strangely enough, not about you or my fake jealousy Janis: just lay off the charm offensive for five when I get there, that's all I need you to do Jimmy: alright Janis: 👍 Janis: see you then Jimmy: in a bit Janis: it'll be easy, no drama Jimmy: no fake break up then Jimmy: 👌 Janis: sorry to disappoint Jimmy: yeah I'm well 💔💔💔 Janis: make it up to you Janis: you'll get tons more #lad points Jimmy: clearly my top priority tah Jimmy: what's going on? Janis: I know you're just as 😍 for him Janis: nah, nothing, my sister's just being more of a bitch than usual Jimmy: you can't know I've been so careful with my 💘 & 😍 around him so there Jimmy: & what you wanna shut her up Janis: oh babes 🙊 Janis: yep Janis: need to, actually, but that's the gist Jimmy: don't she believe we're madly in love? Jimmy: bit rude Janis: appaz, you have no control over your 😍 at all 'cos she #knows you're into her so Janis: 👌 tah Jimmy: 1. she can piss off 'cause I've never Jimmy: 2. I know exactly what to do Janis: yeah, she's full of shit Janis: well so do I but open to ideas Jimmy: you get to do what you want, she's your sister & they weren't my 😍 Janis: 👍 stick to the plan then Janis: she's an idiot, you have to be blatant or she won't get it Jimmy: you gonna tell me the plan or nah Jimmy: & I get paid not to be blatant, gutted as I am about it Janis: you won't get in trouble Janis: not gonna go that hard Jimmy: not what I asked Janis: like you're as dumb as her? Janis: just gotta come be really #goals in their faces Janis: 5 minutes, tops Janis: easy Jimmy: double it if you wanna be #convincing Jimmy: never given a girl so little time in my life Janis: #swoon 😏 Janis: like I said, not gonna go that hard 'cos it has to be in front of them Janis: that's the whole point Janis: just look like you're having fun, yeah? Jimmy: you have to go hard in front of them, that's the whole point Jimmy: not as dumb as her tah Janis: 10 minutes is a bit much for making out Janis: could get it done in that time Jimmy: who have you been making out with? Jimmy: actually gutted for you Jimmy: can't even add the piss taking emojis right now Janis: shut up Janis: I'm not gonna suck face with you for 10 minutes Jimmy: if you can't hack it, call it off now Janis: 😑 Janis: just tell me when they're there Jimmy: said I would Janis: saving the enthusiasm, I get it Jimmy: that & drying my eyes over your real dating history Janis: what are you chatting now Jimmy: nowt Jimmy: just making ☕ Jimmy: you're the one giving away your shit kissing secrets Janis: piss off Janis: there's nothing wrong with my kissing Janis: it's just the boring bit, everyone knows that Janis: may as well skip it Jimmy: if you're doing it wrong, yeah Janis: you aren't an expert Janis: people like different shit, alright Jimmy: calm down Jimmy: you ain't meant to be coming in swinging Janis: stop being a dick then Janis: it's off-putting Jimmy: if you're that easy to put off this fake relationship is properly doomed Janis: I told you Jimmy: get it together or don't come Janis: I'm fine Janis: you're the one chatting shit Janis: you've got one job Jimmy: two Jimmy: get it right, rich girl Janis: yeah, so drop the relationship therapist bit Janis: no one's buying Jimmy: I get it, you're rich 'cause you're tight with every penny Janis: You're just full of shit, and I get that for free Janis: 🍀 me Jimmy: you wish I were Jimmy: but we ain't making 'em come true until the girls get here so Janis: why would I want that Jimmy: my therapist bit's been dropped Jimmy: at your request Janis: we'll talk about this comedian bit later Janis: I've got things to do Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: me too Janis: things that require more than one braincell but Janis: happy for you Jimmy: soz I'm not performing brain surgery right now Jimmy: well patronizing you Janis: whatever Janis: unlikely to catch my sister or obs so suits my purpose Janis: on* Jimmy: happy for you Janis: suits yours too Janis: or were you looking for someone to be really into you slobbering all over them Janis: shoulda been clearer Jimmy: there's nowt about kissing you for exactly 5 minutes mid shift at my job which suits me Jimmy: but go on Janis: I said 5, tops Janis: get it done in less if you're gonna be so moody Janis: yes or no, can I come in or what Jimmy: do what you want it's your masterplan Janis: well not if you're actually gonna get in trouble Jimmy: like you give a shit about my job security Jimmy: plenty of places to make a latte in this town Janis: I ain't that much of a bitch Jimmy: who knows maybe you'll do me a favor & force me into a job that requires two braincells next Janis: shut up Janis: it was a joke Janis: and you started it Jimmy: really funny you Janis: backatcha Jimmy: 💕 Janis: forget about it Jimmy: alright Janis: nothing lost, yeah Jimmy: nowt gained either but Jimmy: whatever Janis: well despite what you reckon, my secondary goal wasn't to get you sacked so Janis: sorta outweighs the need to get back at them Jimmy: you couldn't get me sacked if you tried Jimmy: you've got one foot out the door before you're even in Janis: you want me hanging about all day Jimmy: not what I said or meant Jimmy: I've had more of a connection with a customer whose order got fucked up than what you're planning to give me Jimmy: who the fuck is that meant to convince Jimmy: but I'm the one not doing this properly Janis: maybe we should fake hang out some more after this Janis: alright Janis: but all you've gotta convince 'em rn is that you wanna fuck me Janis: that's all they care about Jimmy: then I'll let you know when they show up Jimmy: like I said Janis: yeah? Janis: alright Janis: thanks Jimmy: nowt to thank me for Jimmy: blue balls is easy to fake when my dad's getting fucked more often than me Janis: 🎻 then Jimmy: 💔 but I got all those MB jams from last night in my head to mend it Janis: come through for you after-all Jimmy: he'll come to me forever now with those words of wisdom Jimmy: I'll never be free Jimmy: mind numbing job combined with mind numbing family life Jimmy: so few braincells Janis: what was it you said at the start of this convo Janis: need to let it go Jimmy: I can say what I like Jimmy: who are you Jimmy: let go of your fake being bothered Janis: fine Janis: have fun chatting shit to your customers then Jimmy: I survive on tips so I very much will Janis: don't know if sob story is the way you wanna go but Janis: you do you Jimmy: if you're sobbing, you do you Jimmy: probably get out of the mansion a bit more though Jimmy: it's fairly common out here Janis: boohoo? Janis: lemme dry my tears on a 50 Janis: what do you expect me to say Jimmy: don't say nowt Jimmy: shut up Janis: erm, say what I like Janis: who are you Jimmy: the one you're chatting shit to Jimmy: fuck knows why Janis: fucking hell Janis: what is wrong with you this morning Jimmy: the same thing that's wrong with me every morning Jimmy: but since you don't know me Jimmy: 1. it's news to you and 2. we don't need to go into it Janis: 👍 Janis: later Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: [skip to lunch time when they'd show up & so would loads of other people lol] Jimmy: head's up, Juliet, your time to shine Janis: right Janis: okay, be there in 10 Jimmy: take as long as you need Jimmy: they ain't even ordered yet Jimmy: it'll look weird if you come through the door too soon after them Jimmy: like we planned it Janis: ha Janis: true enough Janis: they can kill a fair while, I imagine Janis: clean up properly then Jimmy: they can when they're too busy talking about us to pick up a menu Janis: ugh Janis: fun Jimmy: I'd forgotten Mia was still capable of speech Jimmy: I thought all the throwing up had destroyed her throat entirely Jimmy: she usually just communicates via 💀 stares Jimmy: I see why you two get on so well Janis: if you keep making me tell you I'm special and universally loved, you can't get mad at me for it, like Janis: and it's you that she's made the impression on Janis: that's Janis: nice Jimmy: getting mad at you for not taking a real compliment from your fake boyfriend ain't the same as not patting you on the back for being a dickhead Jimmy: yeah obviously hurry up or I'll run away with her Jimmy: won't be able to help myself & you've been warned Janis: highly doubt she can run Janis: bit cold to give her heart failure but I'm not crying here so Jimmy: I'll carry her then, more #goals anyway Janis: how Janis: she weighs sod all Jimmy: still get the rom com visual Jimmy: all that matters Janis: nah Janis: try and shift the big one Janis: that'd be something Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: easy 💪🏆 Janis: can't just promise her free pastries Janis: that's cheating Jimmy: you can't just start imposing rules now Jimmy: too little too late Jimmy: & shamelessly cheating Janis: 🙄 she'd go with anyone for a cream cake Janis: even the least hot one Jimmy: like I said, easy Janis: ugh okay Janis: guess it counts as a win Janis: not happy about it though Jimmy: I'm not happy about doing my back in for her but Janis: needs must? Jimmy: you know Jimmy: how cute that we're finishing each other's sentences though 😍😍 Janis: 😂 Janis: if you could find a subtle way to let 'em know how goals we're being Jimmy: I've been 😍 at my phone since they came in, don't worry Jimmy: not an amateur Janis: good thing I stopped chatting or it'd be more like 😒 Janis: kinda cute but not really painting me in the best light Jimmy: like you said, only got one job Jimmy: I'll paint you in the best light you've ever Janis: 👍 Janis: you want me to leave it in the tip jar or bit too obvious Jimmy: where'd your sense of humor spring from? Jimmy: MIA a bit ago Janis: that was you Janis: cheek! Jimmy: can't be a comedian which you called me & a moody cunt which you may as well have Jimmy: make your mind up, Jenna Janis: if you can't do what I want and don't do what I don't, without any helpful direction, what kind of boyfriend are you Janis: tbh Jimmy: the fake kind Jimmy: & I'll fake owt you need me to Jimmy: starting as soon as Janis: 😍 Janis: you know the drill, yeah? Janis: swear I'll piss off long before they've even asked for extra sprinkles, probably Jimmy: not my first girlfriend or barista job Jimmy: but that is an offer I can't refuse Janis: spare us both the debrief then 👌 Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: actually do hurry up though they're doing my head in Janis: you know they ain't gonna leave with me, yeah Janis: stunned into silence is a big ask, can try but Jimmy: I don't have to try Jimmy: it'll happen Jimmy: & I'll take it Janis: let the 💋 do the talking Jimmy: it will do Jimmy: louder than the bollocks they're chatting Jimmy: I told you, I know what I'm doing Janis: they do that, a lot Janis: should know better than me now Janis: I can try and avoid them out of school Jimmy: best customers remember, I do know Jimmy: & we're doing this 'cause I can't avoid them here Janis: exactly Janis: not forgot Janis: nor am I as dumb as them, tah Jimmy: skip the 'on the previous episode of the CG' bit then Jimmy: nowt you can tell me about any of 'em Jimmy: & even less I'd wanna know Janis: I ain't telling you anything Janis: it's all bullshit anyway Janis: whatever they're saying, that's a guarantee Jimmy: way ahead of you on that, sweetheart Janis: hope that's not the patronizing tone you settled on for your punters Janis: 😬 Jimmy: so you are worried about my job security Jimmy: well romantic 💕 Janis: I told you I weren't that bitch Janis: am leaving though Janis: be there in a few Jimmy: good Janis: what happened to take the time you need, boy Janis: only took a shower Janis: be grateful Jimmy: I said they're doing my head in Jimmy: & you already called me moody so Jimmy: tah for the romantic gesture of showering though Jimmy: 😍😍 Janis: so you gotta take every opportunity to be as sulky as? Janis: come on, I'll call you lots of better things if that's how it works Jimmy: do you want me to react to you kissing me like 😒 Jimmy: if the answer is yeah, take your time Janis: I thought you had this Janis: was your last gf a glutton for punishment or something 'cos no Jimmy: she weren't fake Jimmy: didn't have to pretend to be into it Jimmy: puts you at 👎 before you've kicked things off Janis: you said it weren't hard Janis: so which is it Jimmy: when did I ever say kissing you wasn't the bane of my life Jimmy: must've been drunk Jimmy: if I did Janis: grow up Janis: kiss's a kiss Janis: unless there's some unsexy scalding issue or similar Jimmy: not part of the deal, baby Jimmy: & no it ain't Jimmy: there's a whole scale of good & shit if you want me to rate you in a bit Janis: oh yeah! Janis: what girl doesn't want that Jimmy: if a kiss is a kiss what do you care Jimmy: don't matter, does it Janis: we don't trust each other, remember Janis: you'll just say I'm shit to be that dickhead Janis: and I know I ain't so who needs to hear more of your nonsense Jimmy: you don't trust me, I never said nowt about you Jimmy: I ain't that dickhead & I don't lie Jimmy: you're just shitting yourself about what the truth is Jimmy: that ain't my fault or problem Janis: sure Janis: your opinion ain't fact Jimmy: never said it were Jimmy: or that I give a fuck if you want it or don't Jimmy: I'm not 💔 that you don't like me Janis: you just called it the truth Janis: and you 100% said you don't trust me last night too so shut up, casual gaslighting here Janis: I wouldn't be Janis: don't like anyone, nothing to get upset about, ain't that deep, ain't that personal Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: how many times are you gonna try & tell me it ain't that deep like you don't have shit to lose if this fucks up Jimmy: you shut up, girl Jimmy: focus Janis: oh no, they'll bitch about me in cafes harder Janis: whatever will I do Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: end it then Jimmy: stop wasting my time Janis: as far as foreplay goes Janis: this is topnotch Janis: truly Jimmy: if I cared about you being turned on, we'd have bigger problems Jimmy: be in or get out Janis: don't worry, makes you the same as the rest of the lads Janis: I'm literally walking Jimmy: that ain't what I mean Jimmy: don't be a dickhead Jimmy: it matters to you or it don't so which is it Janis: come on Janis: ain't doing this for my health Janis: or a laugh, thankfully Jimmy: stop taking the piss then Jimmy: save your 🙄 for them on your way in & out Janis: alright, whatever Janis: I ain't asked you why you're really that arsed so you don't need to ask me Janis: it don't matter Jimmy: I ain't asking Jimmy: I'm telling you I ain't gonna keep threatening to pull the plug every time you have a strop Jimmy: & I'm the one who's acting 12, yeah alright Jimmy: sort your shit or leave me & it out Janis: oh my God Janis: who's told you to Janis: if emojis count as strops then you're fucked Jimmy: piss off Janis: literally just got here Jimmy: you're so fucking Janis: save it Janis: [comes in] Jimmy: [intense eye contact cos we know] Janis: [we know what happens not giving much chance for chat here] Jimmy: [just like we know he shamelessly ain't that good at faking anything] Janis: [when you have to bounce 'cos what was that] Jimmy: [the levels of hot it would be, I literally can't. It's a miracle they ever speak again]

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: Remember how I reckoned my parents were so checked out Buster: Well they quizzing me now Rio: 😬 So sneaky! Rio: Waiting to see if you were flying solo like Nance too, like Buster: Right? Who knew they had it in them Buster: I told them I met a girl there but my mum clearly ain't buying it Buster: Me and her are having a 🙄 competition basically Rio: Well, at least you can both enjoy that? Rio: Ahh, not good Rio: I'm having my own fun being uncharacteristically vague Rio: Lucky for me only Gracie is so interested to get 👀 suspicious and I can buy her off, like Buster: I'm over it Buster: Literally 18 now sorry fam Buster: Not like I married this mystery girl, like Buster: Just a holiday fling as far as they know Rio: Cold way to break it to me but okay 😜 Rio: Don't think that's the best way to show how mature you are, hittin' em with a YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO but Buster: Very subtle way for you to drop a hint that you're in it for that 💍 babe Buster: That's 'cause I ain't got nothing to prove Buster: They're just showing up since the world knows they let me and Nance go off and do whatever we want Rio: Shup, can rinse you well before that 😉 Rio: No amateur Rio: True facts Rio: Where was the Colin, lads? Tut tut Buster: 💔 When you end up with a girl who's exactly like your ma Buster: How many times are YOU gonna make me ask then? Buster: Rude Buster: 🏆 parents of the year Rio: I mean, definitely a joke to be made about looking outside the fam there Rio: Fool 😂 Rio: Awkward when they reckon they know what a messy year it's been and they only know the half of it Rio: IOU for your sis taking the heat big time Buster: Who you fooling, Cavante, keeping your eyes on that prize 💎 Buster: Yeah Buster: Be interesting to see if she gets the same third degree about how she spent her hol Buster: It's harder to dig when all you've got to go from is aesthetically pleasing scenery, yeah? Unlucky mum Rio: 🙄 You know, you're far more annoying when you ain't somewhere hot and stunning, like Rio: Think on, boy 😏 Buster: Shut up Buster: You know I am hot and stunning Buster: Think on how much you miss me already Rio: Sure she's up for the challenge, whether Nancy is up for the jail time is another question entirely Rio: Hmm Buster: 😂 Rio: Though that would soften the blow of our escapades so like Rio: spill that tea, gurl Buster: I hope for her sake its not a top family holiday destination Rio: Omg Rio: Stop Buster: Make me Buster: I'm so bored Rio: Init Rio: Real life's shit Buster: I refuse to call this real when you ain't with me Rio: Babe Rio: I do miss you Rio: spoilt in all the ways Buster: I miss you too Buster: How are we topping that for your birthday then, what's the plan, like? Rio: Damn, the real question Rio: I've got no clue Rio: use this slow shift as an excuse to be looking Buster: I've gotta take you somewhere hotter and more stunning, obviously Buster: Make myself scarce so you get your turn to brag Rio: 'Course Rio: though Indie will be devvo I'm keeping you off the 'gram Buster: Standard Buster: I'll manage a post or two somehow though Rio: Don't let a win get you cocky Rio: even though we totally got away with it Buster: 'Course Buster: We're that good babe Buster: I never doubted it Rio: Obviously Rio: Lucky it's me who's doing it fam Rio: I'd defs know 👀 Buster: You could've done us all a favor and foreseen what was happening with Nance though Buster: Like if you're gonna be such a know-it-all Rio: 😑 Rio: She's very secretive! Buster: Calm down Buster: I'm only playing Rio: Well I feel bad Rio: I should've noticed Buster: Come on Buster: How could you? You ain't at school with her any more Rio: But I was when all this started Buster: Yeah, but like you said, she's been keeping this secret for a long time Buster: We both know if you wanna you'll find a way Rio: Yeah Rio: Guess so Rio: I don't like it Rio: Gonna have to go full mum mode and start reading diaries around here Buster: Well she's one off your list to worry about Buster: It's unlikely she'll pull anything else like this again Buster: Lesson learned Rio: What a way to learn it though Rio: Oh God Buster: I didn't reckon anyone dreading school more than me but she's got me beat for sure Buster: I'm surprised she didn't just hide out on holiday forever like Rio: Seriously Rio: Guess no one is Chloe levels of bad Rio: face it now and it'll be nothing more than a passing joke to everyone else Buster: Exactly Buster: At least when we were away the worst Chlo and that lot could do was like my pics Buster: No point trying to hit me up when I'm that far even if you are really horny Rio: 'Less you're me and bitch keep trying, like Buster: Though I wouldn't put it past her to fly out Buster: I did for you Rio: Yeah, but I'm special 😉 Buster: She's deluded enough to think I am Rio: Shut up you are Buster: She don't know me like you do Buster: Or at all, honestly Rio: She wishes Rio: Psycho, honestly Rio: and I don't just throw the phrase around lightly, like Buster: Unfortunately they ain't limited to your exes or even the 24 Rio: You kidding? Rio: You know how many you're gonna meet in your chosen profession? Rio: Hopefully they won't try and fuck you, like Buster: Unless it's some hot widow who wants me to defend her for offing her husband, like Rio: You fancy being her next victim, alright Rio: more fool you, babe Buster: She could be innocent Buster: Don't be so cynical or jealous, babe Rio: Yeah, save it for the judge Buster: 😏 Rio: 😒 Buster: 😂 Buster: You're funny Rio: Hilarious 🖕 Buster: Yeah Buster: When can I see you again? Rio: About that Buster: What? Rio: They're getting a bit shirty at work with all the time I've been taking off Rio: so I said I'd work every day basically until xmas, busy time and all that Buster: I'll come to you then Buster: Hang out and be distracting Rio: Yeah? Buster: 'Course Buster: I'm not gonna just not see until Christmas that's ages away Rio: Good Rio: 'cos it is Rio: may as well rinse this festive period for what it's worth though Buster: If I do my homework in the corner don't take the piss though Rio: 🤞 Rio: You gotta Buster: Likewise don't be too 😍 either Buster: I know I'm sexy as but Buster: I'll have to concentrate Rio: Do my best Rio: sexy 🤓 daddy come thru Rio: 😂 Buster: You literally just promised not to take the piss Buster: 😒 Rio: Aww baby Rio: Not, honest Buster: Say that you promise then Rio: 'Course I promise Rio: Easy Rio: You're always hot to me Rio: Nothing you could do, but that ain't a challenge Buster: Good Buster: I'll resist your non-challenge since you're behaving for once Rio: 😇 Rio: Got to set an example for you Buster: But that's easy too yeah? Rio: Naturally Rio: Can't you attest to the fact I'm a good girl yet? Buster: You have your moments Buster: Any chance of you using your influence on my sister if I'm gonna be in Dublin annoying you both until Christmas Rio: I can try Rio: It's hard fighting your corner without saying things I probably shouldn't know though Buster: Oh Buster: Shit I never thought of that Rio: Yeah Rio: if I can get her to talk to you though, then you can say what I know Rio: so, I'll see, sure I can manage that at least Buster: Forget it Rio: I obviously won't Rio: busybody for life Rio: it won't seem strange, she knows it about me too, like Buster: But still Rio: I won't if you seriously don't want Buster: I don't know Rio: You don't need to rush it but like Rio: don't let it fester, won't make it any easier Buster: The longer this goes on the more unnecessarily dramatic it seems Buster: But I don't know what to do if she won't hear me out Buster: And not enough ways to properly say sorry either, like Rio: Yeah Rio: I know it feels counter-intuitive but sometimes you have to talk when the other person reckons they don't wanna hear it Rio: you can't both be stubborn on this one, and you're the one that needs her to break so you gotta go first Buster: Yeah Buster: Okay Buster: I'll chat to her at the weekend when I come see you Rio: Proud of you Buster: Shut up Rio: 😏 Rio: Try not to get too angry Rio: she's fuming enough, like Buster: Cheers for that, babe Buster: Would've never have guessed, like Rio: I'm just saying Rio: it ain't gonna work if you can't be the bigger person for a hot sec Buster: I love you Rio: I love you too Buster: Rio Rio: Buster? Buster: Thanks Buster: Seriously Rio: Don't mention it Buster: I have to Buster: Nobody else is gonna Rio: On your behalf? Rio: Shouldn't think so, know you ain't got a secretary yet Buster: Is that you volunteering your services, babe? Rio: Ha Rio: fun as that'd be, you'd never get anything done and my shorthand probably ain't all that, like Buster: What's your typing speed? Rio: You're interviewing me now? Buster: Why not Rio: Okay Rio: Think how fast that reply was is enough of an indication of my typing speed and eagerness Buster: You're hired Rio: That was easy Rio: I would've done anything to get this job, like Buster: 😂 Buster: Still plenty of potential promotions to negotiate, babe Buster: I just know how badly you want this job Rio: Good to know Rio: All about that upward mobility Rio: What's your boss like? Buster: I'm my own boss Rio: 🤤 Rio: Okay can't pretend Rio: that was hot Buster: You're hot Buster: I'm so glad I don't have to pretend about that any more Buster: To you at least Rio: Please don't Rio: Take my pay in compliments Buster: Gonna have to give you a pay rise straight away then Rio: So cute Buster: I just miss you Buster: I can't help it Rio: I miss you too Rio: Did you have a good birthday then? Buster: You know I did Rio: Good Rio: 'cos I did Rio: a lot Buster: Yeah? Rio: Yeah Rio: I kinda love you Buster: You really love me Buster: You can say it Rio: Okay Rio: I love you a lot Buster: Good Buster: And I had a really great birthday with you Rio: Get used to it Rio: Can't jet-set at Christmas sadly but still find a way to treat you Buster: Do you reckon we can for your birthday though? Buster: I don't want you to lose your job but I don't wanna not take you away Rio: I can't literally work all the time now 'til then Rio: fuck that Rio: if they're gonna be that arsey I'll just quit Rio: don't want me showing up to work with my 18s on when i've been working there over a year do you Buster: You'll easily be able to get a better job when you actually are 18 though Buster: So yeah fuck them Rio: God I hope so Rio: such an old man pub Rio: not a mood Buster: You will babe Buster: You're the only decent thing about that place Buster: Besides, if it comes down to it, you'll always be my secretary so 😏 Rio: Yeah, that's keeping the lights on 😉 Rio: I can't wait now Rio: Maybe I can convince Indie to move somewhere more decent with me Buster: Bribe her with a dog Buster: That should work Rio: A trail of dog treats out of the 24 Rio: Aww Buster: I feel like she'll never leave it'll be like when you move house but your cat don't Buster: Just keeps coming back, like Rio: As much as the mangy feline comparison gotta sting Rio: I feel it Rio: Bless her Buster: Just move in here Buster: Every problem solved Buster: As long as you go back to feed Indie Rio: When you're probably pissing off to America in a year? Rio: I don't wanna be stuck in that postcode on my own thanks Buster: Come to American then Buster: They're only slightly more annoying Rio: Yeah right Buster: I promise you Yanks ain't that bad Rio: You're funny Buster: Yeah but I also ain't lying Rio: Got that on good faith have you? Buster: 'Course Buster: Posh cunts are posh cunts wherever you go Rio: Wanna talk no class though Chlo Rio: they don't even understand th concept Buster: I wonder what uni she'll end up at Buster: I can't really quiz her for where to cross off my list Rio: Surely she ain't smart enough for wherever you go Rio: no matter who she knows Buster: I can't say I've ever peered at her papers when they've handed the grades back Buster: But you're probably right Rio: Maybe I'm just being a bitch and want her to be thick Rio: she doesn't come across smart if she is Buster: 😂 Rio: So jealous, yeah? Rio: Tragic Buster: You aren't really though, yeah? Buster: For any of it, I mean, not just me Buster: She's not that rich or posh either, honestly Rio: Nah, I mean Rio: I dunno Rio: not like I'm poor or actual scum Rio: just reckon it'd be nice to be like her and so oblivious Rio: Too much shit in this family to not have a care in the world, even if the money's good, yeah Buster: Yeah Buster: And like I've said before, I like how you are Rio: That's alright then 😏 Buster: She only thinks we look good together on paper 'cause I'm a cunt on paper Buster: Forget her Rio: Yeah Rio: 'Course Rio: she can like your shit all she wants, I was there Buster: She wants to know who you are so badly Buster: That's why she's hovering around my posts Rio: Can't act like I ain't been there Rio: nosy bitches unite but fuck off Buster: You're nothing like her though Buster: Thank Christ Rio: Don't think I could pull it off 😂 Buster: She can't either but it ain't stopping her Buster: Works on the lads well enough Rio: That ain't hard, trust me Buster: Clearly Buster: I'm trying not to think about how many lads you and her have in common at this point Rio: Won't hit her up to compare notes then Buster: You're safe I don't think you're on her radar even if you did Rio: Should I be offended Buster: Relieved is how I'd take it Buster: But take it however you like Rio: Will do Buster: Don't be mad though Rio: I ain't mad Rio: Why are we talking about her anyway Buster: That sounds like you're raging about it Rio: Just 'cos I don't wanna talk about Little Miss Chloe? Buster: Well, yeah Rio: If you've got more to say about her Rio: feel free Buster: Don't be like that Rio: I dunno what you want me to say Rio: talk about her or don't, i'm really fine Buster: Whatever Buster: Forget it and forget her Rio: Done Buster: Are you working tonight? Rio: Yeah Rio: back to reality with a dull thump Buster: Agreed Buster: I've got an essay to write so I'm gonna need as much distraction as you Rio: Won't get it from me Rio: 😇 Good girl, remember? Buster: Come on Buster: What happened to our swapped roles? Rio: Gonna have to do a lot more to convince me to distract you from your studies Rio: Shouldn't be promising all those frat boys and rich professors, like Rio: How else am I getting there, babe? Buster: Get a plane ticket and you're there, babe Buster: One look at you and they'd be convinced Rio: Yeah but you make the whole thing a bit more legitimate Buster: What you mean is, it's no fun for you teasing them if it also doesn't get to me, yeah? Rio: You reckon this is all about you? Buster: I know it is Rio: Cocky dickhead Buster: Maybe Buster: But it's still true Rio: Well Rio: What're you going to do about it Buster: Obviously you need reminding that it is all about me Buster: 'Cause you're mine Buster: And I'm keeping you Buster: But I've got an idea Rio: Yeah? Buster: Yeah Buster: I bought you something when I went shopping the other day, I reckon you can have it now it's no longer my birthday, like Rio: What Buster: No spoilers, wait until it gets to you Rio: Is it a birthday present do I have to wait that long? Buster: 'Course not Buster: I'm no amateur, babe Rio: You can't just buy me things for no reason Rio: and without warning Buster: Don't you want it? Buster: You'll like it, I promise Rio: I mean Rio: Of course I do but Rio: I've not got you anything Buster: That's not why I did it so it doesn't matter Rio: Okay Rio: no spoilers and all but can I have a clue Buster was timed out 20 hours ago Buster joined the chat 20 hours ago Buster: Your clue will be to check the post tomorrow, like Buster: I know you don't like waiting so Rio: Babe Buster: What, you think I'm gonna give you time to talk me out of it? Nah Rio: You're bad Rio: Honestly Buster: You love it Rio: You're an idiot Rio: You really miss me that much already? Buster: 'Course Buster: I miss you more the more time I get to spend with you Buster: Is that not how it's meant to work Rio: It's encouraging Rio: and a decent review so Rio: cheers Buster: You're welcome Rio: [Present arrives] Rio: I can't believe you sent that in the post Rio: to the 24, of all places Buster: What can I say? Where's the fun in not taking risks Rio: It's so Rio: perfect Rio: how'd you know? Buster: Easy Buster: I know what you like Rio: Yeah Buster: Besides, if you didn't i'd just send it to my other girlfriend, obviously Rio: Piss off Rio: Good luck getting it back, I'd sell it Buster: 😂 Buster: 'Course you would Buster: Can't take the 24 from the girl, yeah? Rio: Just saving you from bad 🍀 Rio: you can't regift Buster: Cheers for that, babe Buster: You're the best Rio: Shut up Rio: thanks Buster: 🤐 Buster: Like I said the other day, you're welcome Rio: I miss you Rio: I'm wearing it now Buster: I miss you too Buster: Yeah? How does it look? Rio: [Sends pics] Buster: I already knew what the answer would be, but I'm not sorry Rio: It's alright, I don't mind that you've got ulterior motives Buster: Good 'cause I'm not saying you have to thank me with actions as well as words but if you wanna, I'm not gonna say no Rio: Definitely keep you in mind, babe Rio: not hurt your #ranking like Buster: I'll keep you in mind too Buster: Constantly Rio joined the chat 18 hours ago Rio: I wish you were here Rio: or I was there Rio: whatever Rio: I want you Buster: Me too Buster: So tempted to skip school but shhh Rio: Shh indeed Rio: Best behaviour or your 'rents might go the whole 9 yards and ground you Buster: The only way I'm gonna agree to not being able to leave my room is if I sneak you in first Rio: You don't get to negotiate baby 😂 Buster: Please, they'd love that Rio: Probably Rio: Bunch of weirdos, swear down Buster: When I graduate from Havard or whatever they can take their share of the credit Rio: Of course Rio: I'll keep it hush about our study seshs Rio: don't worry Buster: Nah, you've gotta take your dues too Rio: Probably won't interrupt their speech with it Rio: way to break news though Buster: You not gonna make your own? Buster: Just gonna say everything you've gotta say in private instead, yeah? Rio: Obviously Rio: You'll be glad of it, trust Buster: How glad? Rio: Get you saying your hallelujahs despite your feelings on the big man Buster: Get me writing my vows Buster: I know your game, babe Rio: 😒 Rio: You dumb Buster: You love me Buster: Always have, always will Rio: Umm don't be trying to write mine for me Rio: cheek Buster: Don't be acting like that ain't what you're gonna say Buster: Just make the kiss sound like better than it was, yeah? Rio: Ha, get dragged at your own wedding, ouch Rio: You might reckon I'm predictable but I'm not that much of a bitch Buster: I could call you a lot of shit, but predictable, nah Buster: not you baby Rio: Yeah yeah Rio: being sweet now 😏 Buster: Hold up, I'll send you another gift Rio: Will snitch on you Rio: get your cards revoked for your own good 😂 Buster: No you wouldn't Rio: It does go against everything I usually stand for Rio: but I'll make an exception for you Buster: Awh babe you're gonna break all your rules for me Buster: So cute Rio: 😣 Rio: Imma break your face in a minute Buster: Are you standing on a chair right now? Buster: Be careful Rio: 😡 Rio: GRR Buster: 😂 Buster: I love you Rio: I love you too Rio: even if you are rude Buster: It ain't my fault you're small Rio: You make it sound like I've got something wrong with me! Buster: Shut up Buster: You're perfect and you know it Buster: But I'm not gonna pick you up so you can smack me Rio: Well if you're nice I have a better idea Buster: 😇 Rio: Only look like one, boy Buster: Don't lie Buster: You know how nice I can be Rio: True Rio: got the reminder now Buster: You're gonna wear it, right? Buster: Not just for me Rio: Of course Rio: It's beautiful Buster: Yeah but is everyone else gonna notice that too? Rio: You mean am I gonna get mugged? Rio: It isn't that ghetto here forreal Buster: Don't be an idiot Buster: I mean, are your fam gonna be asking endless questions how they do Rio: Might be asking why I'm dropping so much 💲💲💲 on myself but not really their business Rio: We're good Rio: Not an 💍 is it Buster: Alright Buster: Don't want you reckoning I gave it to you to give you another reason why we've gotta tell 'em Rio: Nah, I didn't think that Rio: although it is rude I've gotta take your recognition on it but Buster: Keep praying for that ring, babe Rio: Sure thing 😏 Rio: Could be playing a dangerous game giving me ideas, boy Buster: Is that supposed to worry me? Buster: I love a dangerous game Rio: Don't I know it Rio: Game on 👊 Buster: I wish we could Buster: It's so shit without you here Rio: I know Rio: Life and soul Rio: Looks like there's nothing to do but your essay 🤷 Buster: I've finished that Buster: Waiting on my reward here Rio: Aside from your A? 🤓 Buster: Obviously Rio: Lucky for you I finished your reward too Rio: Great minds, babe Rio: [Video] Buster: Fuck Buster: Well, okay then Rio: Grade me then Buster: Definitely an A for effort Rio: Yeah? Well, how can I improve the execution Rio: use your words, baby Buster: I can't Buster: Jesus Christ Rio: Works for me Rio: You're welcome 😋 Buster: How are you so hot? Rio: You must inspire it in me Buster: I'm actually speechless Buster: I want you so bad Rio: I know Rio: tell me how you want me Buster: I'd tell you to put this desk to better use but I need you so much I think we'd break it Rio: Guess you're going to have to pick me up like you wanna and slam me against the wall instead Buster: I can make that work Rio: You better Rio: I need to cum Buster: You're gonna cum for me baby Rio: I will if you keep talking Buster: [Sends own vid] Buster: Actions speak louder Rio: Fuck Rio: Yeah they do Rio: You know what it does to me when you make those noises Buster: Call me Buster: You can have them all Rio: [A phonecall later] Rio: You're the best Buster: That's my line Rio: Stop being so fucking good and you can have it back Buster: I don't want it that bad Buster: Just you Rio: I know Rio: I'm already so desperate for you so imagine how needy I'm gonna be by the weekend Buster: I know Buster: I feel it too Rio: Well, maybe I won't be such a moody cow at work now at least Rio: owed so many rounds when you're back in town, like Buster: In both senses of the word Buster: Drinks laid on the bar and you bent over it Rio: BUSTER 😲 Buster: Gotta give you some incentive to stay at work until closing time Rio: Jesus Rio: Now I'm turned on again Buster: I'd say sorry but 1. I ain't and 2. that's easy to fix Rio: I know you ain't but I've gotta get ready so Rio: maybe by the time I'm done you will be Rio: sorry you ain't here, like Buster: You reckon? Rio: You don't? Rio: Challenge accepted Buster: You're going to work not the club, yeah? Rio: How dare you doubt me Rio: Offended Buster: Calm down Buster: If you've got nothing to prove then you don't need to worry, do you? Rio: But clearly I do, babe Buster: You don't Buster: I'm just mad you're leaving Rio: I know, stupid real life getting in the way of all the great sex we wanna have Rio: not like I'll be totally unreachable Buster: But you're basically untouchable Buster: I never thought I'd be so buzzing for Christmas Hols. Not that a fortnight will be enough, like Rio: 😔 Rio: Oh Rio: I just had a good idea though Rio: to make you wait until my bday or nah Buster: Depends how good of an idea it is Buster: And how patient you can be about it Rio: It's a great idea Rio: idk why I only just thought of it Rio: fuck it, we're patient enough about everything else Rio: download this app Buster: Alright Buster: No arguments from me Rio: So, basically, you can control it from where you are Rio: almost like touching, right? Buster: Is this why you believe in God? Buster: 'Cause like not saying I'm coming around to the idea but Rio: Pretty high on my list, though best I keep that to myself on Sundays no matter how #blessed I feel Rio: ain't the spirit inside me, like Buster: 😂 Rio: I can wear them to work if you promise to be sensible Buster: I promise to treat you right, babe Rio: Not the same thing but 🤤 Buster: I'm never calling you an idiot again Buster: There's a promise for you Rio: Damn Rio: All the wins for me Buster: I love you Buster: So fucking much Rio: I love you more Buster: Is that a challenge? Rio: I mean Rio: if it motivates you, babe Buster: It'll motivate me to make the most of this app Rio: Then it definitely is Rio: yep 😏 Buster: If you think you're desperate now, you'll need a new word soon Rio: I'll do my best to think on it whilst you're fucking my brains out Buster: If you can think of anything but me I'm not going hard enough Rio: Well you're in control, daddy Rio: you know what to do Buster: Yeah I do Buster: You're gonna get fucked so good, baby Rio: Please Buster: Say it for me again Rio: Maybe I should save my begging for when I really need it Buster: 😏 full of good ideas today, like Rio: Can't even joke today Rio: you know it baby Buster: Always known it Rio: I'm gonna need that one in writing Buster: It's right there Rio: You been playing but that's the legal and binding document I'm really about Buster: I'm so proud Rio: 😊 Buster: Let's see this mindblowing work outfit then Rio: 🙄 I really need to work on expectation management Buster: No you don't Rio: [Snap] Buster: You're not wearing that Rio: I am though? Buster: Behave Buster: Trying to make me miss you before you've even gone Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: That's the whole point Rio: Silly Buster: Yeah but my point is how turned on I am whilst trying to be so 😇 Rio: Don't be good Rio: The more turned on you are the harder you'll fuck me Buster: How 😈 do you want me to be? Rio: Well Rio: I want you to cum Rio: whatever that takes Buster: If you keep talking like that it won't take much Rio: Better 😶 'til you got me closer then Rio: it's best when we do it together Buster: Yeah that's how I want it Rio: I wish you could cum inside me Buster: Me too Buster: Soon though Rio: I'm already thinking about it though Rio: amongst all the other things we're gonna do Buster: I never stop thinking about it Buster: I can't Buster: Good thing I'm smart or that essay would've been illegible Rio: 😂 accidentally outs us to your teach Rio: I know the feeling though, babe Buster: How the fuck did my sister actually get decent grades Buster: I'm impressed Buster: Don't tell her like but Rio: Yeah, I don't think that's how you wanna start the 'let's be friends' convo Rio: so I'll keep it to myself 😂 Buster: Appreciate it Rio: I still don't see it Rio: very much not the point but Buster: What? Rio: The teacher Rio: she ain't even cute Buster: What does she look like? Rio: Oh, hold up Rio: [pics from facebook] Buster: Are you joking right now or is that really her? Rio: Obviously it is Rio: If I was joking I'd pick someone ridiculously unfanciable Rio: she's just like Rio: a normal woman? Buster: What the fuck Buster: Too late for me to have a word with Nance but like Rio: Right? Rio: It makes it worse Rio: at least if everyone else thought she was fuckable Nance would get an easier time of it but nah Buster: At least if she was fuckable it'd be worth losing your mind over her Buster: Christ Buster: Her girlfriend was alright though, like I wouldn't but Rio: We'd know, babe Rio: Idk if she even liked her now or what Rio: what a mess Buster: I don't know what I pictured this teacher looking like but that wasn't it Buster: Clearly I know my sister even less than I reckoned Buster: Fucking hell Rio: You really thought she'd be hot? 😂 Rio: Boy Buster: Hotter than that Buster: I'm not saying she had to be ruin your life hot but like this crush was years long, yeah? Rio: It was obviously about what was inside, like Rio: looking back she spent more time in her classroom than necessary, just thought she wanted somewhere to hide, like Buster: I'm not having that Buster: If you wanna get inside someone then it's about the outside too Buster: I'm not fucking anyone 'cause they have a decent personality Rio: Well nah, that ain't your type is it Buster: Whose type is it? Like I bet even when her husband first hit that she was younger and hotter Rio joined the chat 5 hours ago Rio: Her husband ain't anything special either Rio: he's a teacher too, you know Buster: What? Buster: At your school? Rio: Yeah Rio: he teaches Irish Buster: Shit Rio: I know Rio: and their son is in our year, that's why everyone's losing their shit Buster: And nobody was gonna tell me none of this ever Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: Obviously Nance ain't in the mood but yeah Rio: reckoned your 'rents would've Buster: Obviously not Buster: No wonder she fucking hates me if she blames me for starting this shit storm Rio: It's fucked Rio: she knows that's a flimsy excuse but yeah Buster: Is it though? If she's gone years without putting any moves on she could've gone one more easy Buster: Until I fucked her head up Rio: You hardly made her Buster: Well I didn't stop her Rio: If she had her mind set on it you couldn't Buster: Yeah I could Rio: Well regardless Rio: happened now Buster: I can't believe my fucking parents Buster: If we weren't fucking I wouldn't be in the loop about anything Rio: They probably reckoned they were saving her further embarrassment Rio: but you're welcome for the unexpected perk? Buster: What do they think I'm gonna do? Buster: Nice to know they reckon I'm that much of a cunt Rio: Come on Rio: The jokes come easy, you wouldn't be the first or only Buster: She's my fucking sister Rio: I know Buster: Some shit's off limits Buster: They're as bad as Chlo is Buster: I'm not gonna laugh it up, like Rio: That might not be why they haven't said Rio: You know what they're like, could have easily just not occurred to them Buster: Yeah, well fuck them Rio: Bit strong Buster: How are you on their side? Rio: I'm not Rio: Just don't get mad at them based off conjuncture Buster: Act like it then Rio: Don't shoot the messenger Buster: I ain't Buster: I'm asking you to back me instead of them Buster: what the fuck Rio: I do Buster: Don't defend their bullshit then Rio: Don't have a go at me Rio: I'm just looking at all sides of it Buster: Like their side matters Buster: You're on mine Rio: Exactly Rio: so I don't want you running your mouth if you don't need to Rio: just trying to save you from more aggro Buster: Fuck off Buster: I have self control Rio: Use it then Buster: You're as bad as them Buster: What do you think I'm gonna do? Buster: I'm not about to go find them to shout the odds Rio: Alright then Rio: I'm not doing this rn Buster: What does that mean? Rio: That I'm too busy to go 'round the houses on this one with you Buster: Fuck you then Buster: If you don't wanna talk to me, don't Rio: This ain't talking Buster: Typing. Whatever Rio: That ain't what I mean Rio: You're just shouting at me, you can blow off steam on your own Buster: Bullshit Buster: I'm not mad at you Rio: Nah? Buster: Come on Buster: You're the only one on my side Buster: I'm not that much of an idiot Rio: They ain't against you Buster: Maybe not but they ain't exactly for me either Rio: Maybe not Rio: not their style Buster: I'm sorry, yeah? Rio: It's alright Buster: It's not Buster: I'm not trying to take shit out of you Rio: Shit happens Rio: I know you're stressed Buster: And you're the only thing that doesn't stress me Buster: You know that, don't you? Rio: Duh Rio: I'm a delight Buster: Actually though Buster: I wish you were here right now Rio: I know Rio: Me too Rio: You're alright, yeah? Buster: Yeah Buster: I just miss you Buster: Standard Buster: It's so easy to forget everything else when I've got you with me Rio: I feel it Rio: but fuck forgetting yeah? we're gonna start sorting shit Rio: grown up style Buster: Full of so many good ideas, Cavante Rio: Just gotta listen, babe Buster: I am, I promise Rio: I love you Buster: I love you Buster: Don't forget it, okay Rio: I ain't gonna Rio: don't worry Buster: Good Rio: Ugh guess who's here Buster: Tell me Rio: Ryan Rio: really starting to think he'd got a life Buster: He better behave himself Rio: Yeah, he's with other people so Rio: still, plenty of pubs lads but whatever Buster: Do what you've gotta do, babe Buster: I'm here Rio: I'm an expert at ignoring him by this point Buster: 'Course Buster: All that matters is that he returns the favor, like Rio: I swear he was cuter when I went out with him Rio: not cute enough to warrant this but like ick Buster: He really wasn't Rio: Well clearly his personality was fire Buster: Again I'm gonna go out on a limb and disagree Rio: 😂 why are you trying drive me to drink here Buster: 'Cause I can't drive you to distraction if he's there Buster: Cunt would think you were hot for him still Rio: Obviously Rio: girls love dedication Buster: Is that what he calls it? Rio: Best if I don't question it Buster: I still reckon its best if I knock him out Rio: Looks like someone beat you to it Rio: his face is fucked Buster: I'd ask how you know it ain't me but Buster: If I started I'm not stopping there Rio: Yeah come on babe, no quitter Buster: You've got jokes but I ain't making one Buster: Maybe it was your new bestie Rio: Who? Buster: Drew Buster: Could be an early birthday gift Rio: Oh lol Rio: Maybe Rio: drug debt Buster: Yeah exactly Buster: At least you look good Rio: How's that a good thing? Buster: It's never not when you see your ex Rio: Sudden expert 😏 Rio: so cute Buster: Shut up Buster: I've got plenty of girls I'd rather not see again Buster: More than you've got official exes Rio: You reckon Buster: You don't? Rio: I dunno Rio: do we really wanna compare numbers Buster: I'll tell you if you wanna know Buster: But it doesn't really matter Rio: Nah Rio: know you'll just get jealous Buster: You know you'll get jealous you mean Rio: I said what I said boy Buster: And you meant what you meant Buster: Which is what I said Rio: Shut up Buster: Make me, babe Rio: No, you'd enjoy it far too much Buster: You say that like it's bad thing Buster: You know you'd get yours Rio: and they say romance is dead 😜 Buster: Says you wearing a bracelet just 'cause Rio: 😏 Shh Buster: Shh me Buster: I've got a lot to say Rio: Go on then Rio: Enlighten me babe Buster: For starters, you've got me feeling like I have to prove what a romantic I am Buster: So it's about time that I mastered this app Buster: Until you feel the love Rio: Baby Rio: I was just playing Buster: If you wanna play, we'll play babe Rio: 😻 Buster: 😏 Rio: You just wanna hear me beg Buster: Yeah Rio: Fair Rio: I've just gotta keep the whole bar from hearing, like Buster: Tell yourself it's only for me Buster: I know you can do it Rio: 😊 Rio: so supportive Buster: It's just a shame I'm not there to actually hold you up Buster: I reckon you're gonna need it Buster: Hang onto the bar, baby Rio: Oh God Buster: He's not taking the credit for this Buster: It's all me Rio: Yeah it's all yours baby Buster: Good 'cause I want it Rio: I want you so bad right now Buster: I know Buster: But you can cum for me as many times as you need Rio: I got your permission? Buster: As long as you're quiet Rio: Fuck Rio: Buster, I can't Buster: Yes you can, baby Rio: I need you to tell me to Buster: Well, I need you to cum for me now Rio: Jesus Rio: Please keep doing whatever it is you're doing Buster: If you say please like you mean it Rio: Please baby Rio: fuck me harder i wanna cum for you right here Buster: Like that? Or like this? Rio: Shit Rio: 2nd one definitely 2nd one Buster: Good to know Rio: Please 😩 Rio: You're teasing me so much Buster: Is that better? Rio: I'm so close Buster: Let's go harder then Rio: I should definitely go somewhere private but also don't trust myself to walk away from this bar Buster: Stay right there, babe Rio: Okay, only because doing what you say makes me every tighter Buster: I know Buster: You love doing what you're told Rio: Only when it's you doing the telling though Buster: I'm the only one who can make you feel this good that's why Rio: It's true Buster: I love you Rio: I can't believe that just made me cum Rio: 😳 Buster: I can Buster: It's a good app babe, well done Rio: You have no idea Rio: Regulars asking if I'm alright like not just babe Buster: 😂 Buster: You've got so many more hours to survive too Buster: Good luck babe Buster: I'm only just getting started with this Rio: Please Rio: Be serious Buster: I'm so serious Rio: Babe Buster: Yeah? Rio: I love you Buster: I miss you Rio: I miss you more Buster: You'll be too tired to miss me when this shift is over Rio: Awh is that your plan? Rio: So chivalrous Buster: 'Course Rio: Will you go to sleep with me when I'm done Buster: Yeah Buster: You know that's the only way I wanna sleep if you can't be here Rio: Good Buster: How long have you actually got left? Rio: You sleepy babe? Buster: Hilarious Buster: I'm just thinking about how much I'll be able to tire you out Rio: You've got about 3 hours total left Rio: Use 'em wisely Buster: Plenty of time

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: Can you come over? I don't care if it has to be late Rio: What's wrong? Are you okay? Buster: No. And I don't wanna be alone here, with this shit, that'll make it worse Rio: Coming as soon as I can Rio: What has she said? Done? Buster: She's threatening to tell everyone about us and stop me seeing Jay if I don't dump you and get back with her Buster: It's fucking stupid and mostly not happening but Christ, I'm so tired Buster: And sick of her Rio: You know she can't stop you Rio: but if you have to then do Rio: Leave me, I mean, not the bit where you bow to her every whim and marry her at once Rio: if it makes it easier to keep seeing Jay, then I get it Rio: I don't know what I'll do but Buster: Fuck off. I won't. I love you Buster: I love Jay too, obviously, but like you said, she can't stop me seeing her Buster: I'll go to court, I don't care Rio: You know I love you too Rio: but I don't want to make your life any more difficult than it is already with her in it Buster: You're the only thing keeping me sane and you know it Buster: I can't lose you Rio: Okay Rio: You're sure? Rio: If you are, then I'll stand by you and support you 1000% Rio: Of course, I will Buster: 'Course I am. I know it felt a bit, I don't know how to even describe it, going from where we were to like bracelets and 'I love you's ' or whatever but it's been a long time coming, yeah? Buster: And I swear I mean it. I'm so sure Rio: Yeah Rio: Me too Rio: I just wish the rest wasn't such a fucking mess Rio: How are we going to face all the people we have to face Buster: I have no fucking clue, honestly, but I know I'll support you in whatever you wanna do or say Buster: We'll handle it together. Somehow Rio: I'm trying to think faster than she can post Rio: We have to get it out there before she does, right? Rio: At least it'll be the truth, I can own that better than whatever story she's concocting rn Buster: Yeah Buster: And it'll be better coming from us, I reckon, still a shock but Buster: They'll see where we're coming from instead of her POV Buster: Though maybe it's better for everyone to think we're just fucking and we can stop? I don't know Buster: That's what she believes Rio: But when we don't Rio: They're just going to think...Fuck knows Rio: I don't think it'll be good but Rio: I just don't know, I can't predict what anyone is going to think or say Rio: Do Buster: We could always let her post it and leave until some of the backlash dies down. Not what a mature dad would do like Buster: But Buster: She doesn't think I am anyway so whatever, yeah? Rio: Where are we going to go? Rio: We can't stay away forever Buster: This is such a headfuck Buster: There's no time Buster: Thriving under pressure is one thing, but she's proper ambushed us Rio: I know, I feel sick Rio: Stalking her feeds like its love Buster: I can't even bring myself to have anything open on my phone other than this convo Buster: How are we even gonna get everyone together to tell them? There's so many of the fuckers Rio: I don't know, mass group chat seems a little blasé Rio: Maybe, we tell the most important ones, and fast Rio: and then let them tell who they need to etc Rio: Let word of mouth do the rest Buster: Fucking hell, Nance is in NYC, I can't be like excuse the time difference but I've gotta just ruin your life again potentially really quick Rio: Oh, fuck Rio: I wish I didn't love you like I do Rio: would be so much simpler, wouldn't it Buster: I know, but don't say that again, okay? Buster: I told Chlo I don't regret you and I meant it Buster: Even if I have to let mum and dad tell Nance and let her think that's how little I care about her Rio: I'm sorry, I don't want it in any other way, and I only want it that way for your benefit Rio: I don't want to hurt you, ever Rio: Run to NYC? Buster: Good Buster: I would if I thought she'd have me. But I've got no right to ask her for that Rio: What if I ask? Rio: Obviously we'd need a place to stay when the shit hits the fan but at least you can do it in person Buster: Yeah Buster: She deserves that much after me being such a shit brother, as Chlo was quick to remind me Rio: You've had your moments but she still loves you, Buster Buster: Maybe she shouldn't Buster: Maybe I should just stay away from her Rio: Why? Buster: She's finally landed on her feet with uni like, she doesn't need me ruining everything for her again Buster: She's close to you and I've taken the piss so much already, she might not understand why I'm doing this Rio: I know but Chlo isn't going to help her understand, is she? Rio: If we're doing this Rio: if its worth it, we have to go in Rio: we're going to hurt people, and its gonna be fucking horrible Rio: but, it'll hurt me to have to leave you, and that's the only alternative we have left Buster: You're right. Making a habit of being, yeah? Buster: Looks like I'm getting on another flight then Buster: If I pass uni myself at this point nobody can say shit about my ego Rio: You know you can, you will Rio: Obviously you have to tell her alone Rio: but do you want me to come? Rio: I have the funds Buster: I want nothing more but what about your family? Besides Billie they are all here Buster: If you want to tell your parents first I can't blame you Rio: Maybe I'm being a coward, but I'm not convinced Chlo will actually do anything, she would've just done it, surely? I think if you can keep her talking, even if its arguing, it gives us time...like its all she has over you Rio: She'd be a moron (more than she is) to just let go of it that easy Buster: I reckon you're onto something, babe Buster: Or you just really want a holiday like Rio: How did you guess? Rio: Gonna have time and desire to see all the sights, like Rio: I just think...I don't know, she might wanna hear my side too, maybe, and it might help if she does Buster: Yeah Buster: I wish we could take Jay. I hate the thought of leaving her with Chlo right now Buster: And she can work any room, 'course Buster: No chance of staying mad with that face around Rio: Yeah Rio: I don't trust her as a Mum, I wouldn't say that just 'cos I'm the petty new woman, you know that Rio: I seriously don't Rio: but you said her 'rents are decent and do most of the work Rio: Sure they still will be, they'll look after her, even if Chlo won't Buster: Same. It's what scares me about her. More than anything she's ever threatened Buster: Thank Christ she still lives at home Buster: And Jay's too young to believe any shit she says against me Rio: She's going to know who you are, and what a good Dad you are Rio: You'd never let Chlo get away with that, and Jay wouldn't believe her over you Rio: who's put in the actual work, after-all Rio: just another thing she'll lament about, wah wah no one loves me Buster: I need to believe that or I'll properly crack up like Rio: Its the truth Rio: I promise you Buster: You're the best Buster: I know it shouldn't be a competition of who I fucked over more or whatever but you or Erin would never do this Rio: Most wouldn't Rio: Unlucky for you, you found one who will go above and beyond to fuck up your life Buster: Yeah Buster: How soon could you leave for NYC? Rio: As soon as you can Rio: Not ideal for either of us but Rio: Gotta be done Buster: I'm emailing my professors to get extensions and shit as we speak, not that a family emergency anywhere near covers it Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: No shorthand for this situation Rio: Though I'm sure they'd all love to know the drama Buster: Oh fuck, all my old friends are gonna lap this up Buster: Been waiting on my fall from grace Rio: Do you care? Rio: Most of them were cunts, has to be said Buster: Only thinking of you, babe. Not to late for you to hit up James again and choose him instead Rio: Please Rio: He was good for a warm bed and nothing else, you fool Rio: Try to forget that ever happened, like Buster: Good. Me too Rio: I already wanted you then Buster: I know Buster: And you know I did too, yeah? Rio: I knew for definite after Rio: Got no poker face and the jealousy was palpable, babe Buster: Fuck off Buster: Not my fault you're proper desirable Rio: Just write that on a postcard and be done with it, I reckon Rio: They'll all understand Buster: You just saved us a trip. Well done Rio: Always thinking, me Rio: Now we can hide forever just you and me Buster: I'm thinking my ma's poker face skipped a generation and my daughter got it all Buster: Yeah. I'm looking at flights there and not back, casually Rio: I reckon you might be right Rio: she certainly knows how to wrap you around her little finger already Buster: You being giving her sly lessons? I know her mother can't teach her anything about that Rio: What can I say? Make the most of my time Rio: Nah, just a girl after my own heart, like Buster: Take your word on that like Buster: We might need that hustle you've got if my parents disown me so can't complain Rio: They won't will they? Mine either Rio: Oh God Buster: I don't see how mine can after how they got together Buster: Basically brother and sister depending who you ask Buster: But who knows Rio: And everyone knows about Joe and Ronnie but they still talk to them Rio: am I just being stupid and naive thinking it might end up okay? Rio: not just wishful thinking is it Buster: True. I forgot about them, which shows how many fucks I give Buster: We can do this Buster: It ain't illegal, even if Chlo reckons otherwise. I could marry you if I wanted like Rio: Yeah, it'll just be adjusting to it Rio: like we had to Rio: all we can do is give everyone time Rio: but they can't make us not Buster: Let them be mad if they gotta but I ain't Buster: I love you too much Rio: I love you Rio: I have to be with you Rio: I don't know where I'd be if you hadn't have been there for me throughout all the bad shit Buster: I know you'd have made it, but I'm still glad I was there anyway Buster: If only 'cause I'm a selfish cunt Rio: I don't know Rio: I just know I don't just need you, I want you too Rio: That's all Buster: I feel the same, trust me Buster: I know it's stupid but I can't help wondering what Edie would make of this Rio: Probably thank me for taking the heat off her... Rio: I think she'd get it, she got most things, even the shit other people didn't want to touch Buster: Yeah Buster: We can get a flight tomorrow if I throw enough cash at it. Can you handle that? Rio: Yes Rio: Let's do this Buster: Make sure you tell Indie at least Buster: We can worry about Nance at the last possible moment Rio: Will do, at least she can cover for me if needs Buster: My mum and dad probably won't notice I've gone unless Chlo goes through with her threat and the shit hits the fan Rio: She's not got the bottle Rio: We'll be back to tell them as soon as we can Buster: Actually want you to be a know-it-all Buster: What's the world come to? Rio: Fuck knows, babe Rio: It ain't coming to an end though, not like she wants Buster: Come over tonight and I'll take you home to get packed in the AM Buster: Not leaving your side Rio: Of course Rio: I'm going to take care of you Buster: You can prove that to me later Buster: There's nothing I want more Rio: I'm going to Rio: Gonna show you why I'm worth this Buster: I already know Buster: But I'm always ready for you to tell me again Rio: You deserve it Buster: So do you, babe Rio: I love you so fucking much Buster: I love you too Buster: No matter what Rio: We're gonna have it all, remember? Buster: I won't forget Buster: I'm packing and I swear any drawer I pull out either has something of Jay's in or something that doesn't belong there which she's helpfully put there Buster: It doesn't feel like she was here long enough to do all that Buster: And it's gonna kill me if I can't see her again sometime soon Rio: You will Rio: That's why we're sorting this now, and not running Rio: For her, yeah? Buster: Us too though. 'Cause it has to be better in the long run Buster: We've done our share of lying and not saying what we mean Rio: Yeah Rio: We would've always had to have done this Rio: or stop Rio: she's forced our hand but Rio: I'm so tired of the lies anyway Buster: Agreed. Tempting as it'd be to wait until Jay's in college herself, I can't either Buster: She's done us a favor really, which she'll love Rio: Yeah, let that fuel you Rio: She's going to get nothing from this, she's only gonna fuck herself up Buster: Exactly. I tried to warn her as much Rio: She can't be told anything Rio: Fuck her Buster: Not again, cheers Rio: I'd be jealous but even my brain can't make that scenario believable Buster: Thank Christ 'cause if it could I'd have to reckon you don't know me like I thought you did Rio: No one's that self-destructive Rio: Not even you Buster: No arguments here Rio: Good Buster: Bad enough I did it the once Rio: Thank God for Jay Rio: otherwise that'd be nothing but an awkward regret forreal Buster: Any other mother if I could though, honestly Buster: I'd rather it was Indie even Rio: Um, I wouldn't Rio: She is all you though, sure you could've got her from someone else like Buster: Yeah? You reckon Buster: I wonder what the next one will be like when she's born Rio: Same Rio: Exciting Buster: We've been throwing some names around and none of them have made me cringe like Chlo's choice of middle name for Jay so that's a start Rio: That's a start Rio: All I know is she'll be dead cute too Buster: I'm sure Erin will be well happy you feel that way about her like Buster: But seriously, you're too much and I can't get enough of you still Rio: Shut up, she might not legit try and murder me like Chlo but I still don't think I should try my luck, like Buster: You'd be within your rights to murder Chlo yourself, some of the shit she said Rio: Yeah? Rio: Can't say I'm surprised Buster: I wasn't either Buster: Shut her up anyway though Rio: 'Course you did, so chivalrous forever Rio: My hero Buster: What can I say? I know what you like Buster: She tried to talk shit about Nancy too Rio: Cunt Rio: Nance is 10 times the person she'll ever be Buster: Yeah Buster: She proved it by bringing her up, as if she hadn't done enough already Buster: Trying to call her a freak 'cause in her mind it compares, the monsters she reckons we are and Nance being gay Rio: Shown herself up there Rio: Think what you like about us but get with the times on the gay thing, babe Buster: And she thinks she's the one fit to raise my daughter while I ain't Buster: Jay could be gay for all we know Rio: I don't think she even thinks that, she just chats shit for her own benefit Rio: She can't possibly think she's doing good Rio: Don't know if she cares Buster: Pretty sure she doesn't Buster: She basically said she only wanted Jay so she could play happy families with me Buster: Like there was no point to being a parent if she couldn't have that Rio: What the fuck Rio: She's so Rio: You had no say, she did Rio: she should've really wanted her Rio: So horrible Buster: I wish I could take Jay off her but there's no way Rio: Yeah that'd be near impossible Rio: She's not that level of awful Rio: When you're finished with Uni, set up, she'll have to custody share properly Rio: Get that sorted Buster: Yeah Buster: Maybe she'll get better over time, once the new baby is here and me and you are still going strong, giving her no choice but to accept things even if she doesn't want to see sense Rio: Can but hope, babe Buster: Fuck it I'm coming there. I need a drink. Buster: And seeing you wouldn't hurt either Rio: Yeah? Rio: I won't be mad about that either Buster: I'll stay until you're done. Keep you company like you've done for me Rio: I'll get to pouring Buster: Good Buster: Be there soon