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sunkissedchld · 11 months

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𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃

𝒂 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒔 + 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕'𝒔 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒐𝒐𝒏

the piles go from top left to right. so, the coffee with heart shaped ice is pile i, the brown clouds are pile ii, and so on and so forth.

take the time to close your eyes, breathe, and meditate on the PAC prompt, then open your eyes and let your guides lead you to the pile for you. i hope you enjoy!

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈

Shufflemancy:

“Better In Color” by Lizzo

“Do It Like A Dude” by Jessie J

"Dolphin" by Oh My Girl

"Break Free" by Ariana Grande

Signs:

1:23, mixed race, water placement/dominance

Reading:

you may come from a more matriarchal family line, as it's mainly the women that speak clearly in this reading. the women in your family are typically powerful, well-spoken, straight-forward, fiery, and confident. the men may be the type to lay back and let the women lead because they know best if that makes sense.

the maternal line of your ancestors seem to be so proud of you. they think you're doing a good job of balancing everything you are dealing with. although you're doing well, they don't want you to slack off just because they let you know that you're doing well. if you keep working hard, your blessings will continue to reign in.

your paternal line seem to be somewhat like the traditonal father figure. they're more quiet and in the background. they may want to connect with you more, but you don't reach out or they don't know how to best approach you. they love how you seem to mimic the women in your family with your confidence and knowledge.

you might be coming out of a negative or stressful situation. maybe you were unorganized before or just recently went through a bad breakup. honestly, some things may still be hidden from you. do your shadow work, babe. that will also be helpful in your journey to getting what's for you.

you have a lot of good coming in soon! this could be partnerships and travel opportunities; you might even move to a different country. you may rekindle old flames soon. your commitment to doing well and succeeding will be a great assest as long as you keep it in check. don't become too greedy or prideful - this will bring about the opposite effects (more bad breakups, unwelcome change, etc).

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐈

Shufflemancy:

“Left and Right” by Seventeen

“Rent” from Rent

"Better Off" by Ariana Grande

Signs:

rebellion, fire placements/dominance, ancestry.com, 23&me, teachers/teaching, civil rights, earth placements/dominance

Reading:

your ancestors are funny lmao. they also had a ton to say. you could connect with them easily because of their willingness to speak so freely. if you chose this pile, you might wanna do something like a family tree or figuring out your family line/ancestry. your ancestors might have been something like freedom fighters? they were the type to fight for justice and call out inequality when they saw it.

they're telling you to meditate and let go - which seems interesting because i initially felt them as very fiery people. it's like they're fiery but for specific reasons. they don't seem to be the revenge type in my opnion. you might feel as if you're in a stagnant point in your life. you might want more from what you're currently participating in. you want to go so fast and do so much, but your ancestors are telling you to be patient and wait. you're not ready - not yet.

this is gonna feel like a lecture, but you can't go out and do whatever it is you want to do simply because you feel like it. this is gonna sound weird, but you're not as important as you think you are. you need to learn how to serve others because right now, you're being very selfish. you're needed on this earth to help others; your goal in this life is to put others before yourself. you're not gonna receive anything until this selfish air of yours leaves.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐈𝐈

Shufflemancy:

“Redbone” by Childish Gambino

“My Boo” by Usher and Alicia Keys

"Pick Up Your Feelings" by Jazmine Sullivan

"The Worst" by Jhene Aiko

"Focus" by H.E.R

"Do It" by Chloe x Halle

Signs:

latinx, taino, cuban, cuba, puerto rico, boricua, 3, 7, crown chakra, third eye

Reading:

the men in your family line might have been (and might still be) treated like children, or they or they usually die when they're still pretty young. both sides of your family are a force to reckon with. magic and spirituality may run deep. i think those that pick this pile may be latnix, so maybe practices like santería, voodoo, or hoodoo may already be prominent in your family.

you've been setting plans and intentions lately - expect to see a reward. interestingly, both the emperor and emperess came out during this reading! you are obviously on the right path in terms of bringing in a ton of abundance and also being stable for both yourself and your family (i have a feeling family is very important to people in this pile). although you feel like you're doing everything right you may actually feel as if this isn't what you're cut out for. you may be overwhelmed. i'm reminded of Luisa from Encanto. eventually these feelings will go away, but if you don't properly address them they will pop back up time and time again. your third eye and crown chakra may be blocked, and healing them may help you with what you're feeling right now.

this feeling of seemingly doing good but actually feeling as if everything is not right for you could also explain your love life instead of work/material/family life. maybe everything seems like it's going on the right path. you might've been together for a healthy amount of time, and the next step seems to be marriage or something more, but it's not really what you want, or a facade is being put on in order for the relationship to seem that way.

the best advice i can give for this pile is to follow your heart. take time for yourself in isolation and listen. listne to your heartbeat, your pulse, your thoughts, and/or nothing. just listen. then follow.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐕

Shufflemancy:

“Song For You” by Avery Wilson

“Sorry, I Love You” by Stray Kids

"Dancing Like Butterfly Wings" by Ateez

"Lose Control" by Missy Elliott

"Celebrate" by Ateez

Signs:

youngest/only child, physical touch as a love language, newbie, noob, talkative, air/water placements or dominance

Reading:

your ancestors are cute. they seemed to be new to this whole magic/tarot thing. they had a lot they wanted say, but the cards seemed to stutter or come out all at once. they really wanted me to get to the point with this reading. they didn't even introduce themselves before saying new opportunities are coming in for you!

ace of sticks and death both came upright, and both of those cards indicate changes, transformations, and new opportunities coming in. i also think it's ironic that i'm writing about new things coming in a few hours before the new year. everything seems to be right in front of you. your spirit asteroid may be in a fire sign.. maybe leo? or maybe that's too bright. aquarius? libra? virgo? any of those imo.

interestingly, the hierophant came out twice from two different decks. your ancestors want you to lean on them. maybe the reason they seemed to be new to me is because they have a specific way of speaking through the cards that i'm not used to - it may be easier for you to understand them naturally (which makes sense because they're your ancestors - not mine lol). you may be the newbie in terms of magic/tarot and things of the like. i also sense that you could be the youngest person in your family or an only child. you could've been doted on a lot. as a result, you could be a little immature.

you might feel lonely or disconnected from family right now. your ancestors are wanting you to reach out to them personally because they can heal you from whatever is burdening you in relation to your family. the maternal side of your ancestors seem to want to comfort you specifically; your paternal side on the other hand wants to offer guidance. your anxiety will go away with their help, and material goodness will also usher in. go talk to them. also, if you felt drawn to pile ii, go read it. parts of it are for you.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐕

Shufflemancy:

"Be Blessed" by Yolanda Adams

"Just Be A Man About It" by Toni Braxton

"All Me" by Kehlani and Keyshia Cole

"Let It Burn" by Jazmine Sullivan

Signs:

reversals, rx, dad/daddy, father, manipulation, liar, jealousy, miss robinson, The Devil, earth/water placements or dominance

Reading:

this pile was both interesting and confusing because sooo many reversals came out. i'm talking 5+ more reversals at a time. maybe you're currently going through a confusing time in general and that's how the cards decided to manifest to show that.

your ancestors want to warn you of negative energy surrounding you. someone is manupilating you or lying to you. something is hidden from you. this could also be why the cards are reversed so much. they're yelling. someone is pretending to care for you and be your friend, but they are very much so not. at all. be careful of your surroundings and the company you keep.

you may want to lean on your paternal line during this time. they may provide wisdom on leadership and discerning between people's true intentions towards you. "father knows best" comes to mind with this pile.

the person manipulating you is a pathologicl liar, a con artist, and a person who is jealous of you. they want to take everything from you and bring you down to their level. if you know who this is, get rid of them immediately. if not, please try to be discerning or go into hermit mode to try and protect yourself. honestly, they may be using things like magic or hexes because of how obssessed and jealous of you they are. with the eight of knives, you will eventually get out of this situation, but it's kind of like quicksand. it'll feel like you're constantly sinking in, but you have to keep fighting.

in this reading, the story of Miss Robinson comes up. Miss Robinson was a rootworker who found out that another woman was speaking bad on her and putting people against her. Miss Robinson confronted the woman and told her that if she knew what was best for her, the woman would stop trying to steal her joy and spread negativity on her. the woman continued to do so anyways. a little less than a month later, the woman's only son died. Miss Robinson sat fanning herself with the obiturary, and the next day, the woman left.

this story of Miss Robinson will play out if this person keeps messing with you. i get the feeling that your ancestors have protected you beyond anyone else's control. they're not going to let this person ruin your joy. you will come out on top in the end. your success is the revenge.

additionally, there will be a partnership coming in! your manifestations may come true soon (january/february). this person will be caring, generous, and youthful. they might be younger than you. for some people who choose this pile, this person will be harmless. for others, this could be manipulator talked about for the majority of this pile. again, please be discerning.

i'm sorry i said almost nothing about you ancestral line, but they felt it was more important that i give you this message. i share what the cards and spirit give me, ya know? also, as i tried to save this, it almost didn't save/almost got deleted.. someone does not want you knowing this information. as said before, your ancestors aren't fooling with that energy.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐕𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"stranger in my house" by tamia valmont;

"deja vu" by ateez

"side effects" by stray kids

"the tortise and the hare" by stray kids

"victory song" by stray kids

Signs:

indie arie, ocean, water/air placements or dominance, church, grandma's hands by bill withers

Reading:

you maternal ancestors might've been the church mothers. if you know what that is, this pile is for you lmao. they helped everyone and were always giving people a shoulder to cry on.

you might be feeling depressed right now. maybe you're frustrated or misunderstood. you may be thinking of all you've missed out on, or you've been working so much that you're missing out on all the fun life has to offer. you might feel so worried about the future and have no idea what you'll be doing. relax and go with the flow for now.

although you feel underappreciated now, you will move up in life because of your work. expect internships, a degree, or even an upgrade in position. you will find your way after this period of negative thinking. don't worry about poverty or anything like that. you hardwork will be rewarded. you will come into the spotlight because of your efforts.

#tarot #oracle #pick a card #PAC #tarotblr #Spotify #sunkissedchld

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crowleysgirl56 · 29 days

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The vast majority of people who work on a show are paid upfront for their labour

They don't get paid dependent on how successful a show is

They also don't do work that doesn't get paid- if they are working on a show that gets cancelled, they get paid for the work they did

All this 'stream GO for the hard workers behind the scenes' is bullshit

They work for companies are will be put on different projects

Just be honest that you want more GO (despite the message that it sends to studios- that audiences are ok with abusers! Just turn a blind eye to them! Yes that gives them more power but who cares because people will watch and make them money!)

Don't pretend your doing this for moral reasons

(And acting like you're doing this for Terry- for all we know he might want his work with an abuser completely destroyed- it's stupid to assume he'd want the series to be continued)

Like say this shit with your chest, you know?

Oh boy, ok. Gonna take a minute to answer this.

Firstly, I and a lot of the fandom, are heartbroken over what NG has done. Because we were duped into thinking he was a decent person. From the things that he wrote to the things that he said we thought that he was good person. And it is horrible that there are people out there suffering because yet another rich powerful white man decided he had the right to take advantage of them.

You seem rather angry and if that anger stems because you have experienced something similar yourself then I hope you have love and support around you so that you can heel.

If you want to talk about money, let me remind you that NG has already been paid for season 3. He will continue to get royalties, and thanks to the writers strike last year, he will now get more money for those royalties than before. If S3 doesn’t go ahead then hundreds of people will lose their jobs. Will they get other jobs? Sure, maybe. But any loss of job in this current economic climate is terrible and stressful (and I’m not talking about DT or MS here. They’ll get more work).

I don’t know if you understand how hyper fixation in neurodiversity works, but this is extremely painful for some people and takes a lot of time and energy and therapy to get over when a hyper fixation is threatened or taken away. Some people, like myself, need closure for things otherwise we can find it extremely difficult to move on emotionally. This obviously does not compare to someone trying to survive after SA, but emotional diversity can be extremely debilitating as well. They are apples and oranges to compare, but you can’t invalidate one person’s pain because you think another person’s pain is worth more.

As for the show itself, there is so little queer representation in media. There is a lot more nowadays compared to a decade ago, or even 5 years ago, but the little representation we have is so extremely important. Do you know how many people have found a truth to themselves thanks to GO? How many people discovered something about themselves that finally gives them answer to how they feel? How at the age of 40 I finally realised that I’m asexual and NOT BROKEN. That’s fucking important.

And this. ALL of this is why everyone, including me, are so fucking angry with NG. Because he has left us emotionally devastated. He has not just physically hurt these women. He has emotionally hurt hundreds of thousands of people. He is a stain.

I have spoken before when this all first happened about how I was angry that my one teeny tiny corner of the internet that made me happy was on fire. I left for a bit. I came back. I want to continue to interact with like minded people who love this fandom. I won’t stop that.

And frankly, and here’s the last I’ll say on this, the world is on fire. It is filled with a lot of fucking awful shit right now. I have suffered a very deep depression of late where some nights after I put the kids to bed I just stare and cry. You don’t know that about me because I don’t say those kinds of things on the internet, because our internet personas are facades. They’re not real. They’re not true life. I’m a real person and I’m aching inside about so many things. And these kinds of messages are just breaking me further. Seriously, when you send stuff like this do you even consider that?! So when I decide to hold onto one of the last bastions of entertainment that brings me joy, I’m not going to be guilted into dropping it because someone involved happens to be a monster. Because let me tell you if we did that every time someone turned out to be horrible, then we would never watch or enjoy anything ever again. EVERYTHING you watch or listen to or enjoy or like or cared about is connected to someone who is horrible or produced by a gigantic evil corporation (Nestle, Disney, Microsoft, Facebook, Google just to name a few). Every. Single. Thing. It’s the clothing you wear, the electronics you buy, the food you eat, the furniture in your house, and ALL the entertainment you consume. So if you gave up everything for some moral stance, then you would literally have nothing left.

Dropping Good Omens does nothing. It sends no message to anyone because the next really fucking awful person is about to produce the next big thing you might happen to love and care about. So what’s the point?

Let me have Good Omens. You don’t like that, then you can block me. That’s what the button is there for. You don’t need to send anonymous hateful messages. And if you want me to “say this shit with my chest” maybe you can send me an ask with the Anonymous off. So I can see your chest too.

I’m turning off anonymous asks now. Considering the only asks I’ve ever received is abusive shit telling me to kill myself or saying David Tennant is a paedophile or just telling me I’m a horrible person for supporting NG (when I’ve already stated before that I don’t anymore).

Sorry for those who’ve managed to get to the end here. Thanks for reading if you have, sorry it was so long. I hope you aren’t receiving the same type of messages. If Anonymous has read this far, I don’t know, maybe think twice before being horrible to random people on the internet?

#good omens #Neil Gaiman #Neil Gaiman ruined everything #neil gaiman allegations #seriously he fucking ruined the one thing that was giving me joy right now and I hate him for that #good omens fandom

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bettsfic · 5 months

Note

Venting-

When I hear people give the advice that writing is never a waste of time if you’re having fun or you should never feel like a story was a waste of time, you should enjoy the process. This advice I believe is real and true and works for some writers. But at the same time, there are writers who are very stressed when writing and feel better about their work when it’s finished. Not the “I enjoy having written.” But the “I have crippling anxiety and can only tell if my time, effort, and semi-breakdowns were worth something if I complete what I set out to do.”

Not to diminish anyone who agrees or resonates with the first statement, I admire those people a lot and wish I was calm enough to feel the same.

in my years of teaching and coaching, i've noticed there are two kinds of writers: "process" writers and "product" writers. rather, there exists a spectrum from one to the other.

on the process side, you have writers who reach a flow state fairly easily, who can become immersed in a world or idea of their own invention, and they write in large part to seek that immersive state. the end of a project seems more like a tragedy than an achievement because it marks the loss of the immersive state, and it will take energy and discipline and happenstance to find the next. i've also noticed that it becomes harder rather than easier to find that state over time; the more projects you finish, the fewer ideas appeal to you in the same way.

conversely, product writers get to feel that sense of achievement upon completing a project that process writers may lack, and that pleasure is worth the pain and turmoil of the act of creating something. product writing takes a lot of strength, patience, and discipline i think, to do something hard for the reward of having done it. it's the difference between an athlete and a surgeon. a person becomes an athlete for love of the sport, the act of playing. winning is important, but they wouldn't be able to win without first finding joy in the game. a surgeon, on the other hand, probably doesn't get into the job for the fun of operating. the fulfillment is in the operation's success; it's hard work with high risk. but the reward of saving or improving lives is worth it.

admittedly as a process writer it's always been hard for me to wrap my head around product writers. not only do i not have the patience to seek a sense of achievement, i think i'm mostly incapable of relishing any reward at all unless the reward is in the pursuit itself. looking back, i can't think of any single moment i've ever felt a sense of success. but also i've always struggled with concepts like ambition and competition. i've never had any drive to win anything, but also i've never felt much when i lose or fail. sometimes i wish those things mattered more to me, because then i would be a more driven and decisive person, and i'd be more successful in my career.

i know i'm on the extreme end of the process-product divide, and that colors a lot of my perspective of teaching and mentoring. but i think writers can shift on the spectrum depending on where they're at in their writing life or even with whatever project they're working on. i've been trying to have a more product-based mentality recently to at least develop the skill of shifting to the other side when i need to, so that i can get the patience and focus to write a novel that is not just me plopping my heart onto the page and hoping somebody out there cares. product writers have an easier time convincing other people of the value of their story, because the value of the story is a big reason why they write it. a purely product writer, like the surgeon, writes something because they feel that thing needs to exist in the world. meanwhile the only way for a purely process writer to be professionally successful is to happen by sheer coincidence to find an immersive state that also crosses with the interests of the current market. like the athlete, success involves training, hard work, and being at the right place at the right time. sure, churning out 100k words in a couple months and having a blast while doing it is great, but it comes from this wild inner place that can't really be controlled; meanwhile product writers can take that wildness and intentionally shape it into something. when you're feeling jealous of the other side, though, it's important to remember that both the meadow and the garden are equally beautiful.

#writing advice #process #product

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weltenwellen · 1 month

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Hello! I didn’t want to reblog your personal post so I came here to tell you that I relate to it so much.

I’m 27 and currently very scared to look for my first ever job, while my friends are years along in theirs and some are getting married. I don’t know if you’ve ever watched “Friends” but it feels very much like being Rachel, who at some point “was only getting coffee”. I rewatched it recently and it helped with that lack of compassion a bit - it was easier to feel it for someone else, but then it dawned on me how similar some situations were to my life. It made me feel better about myself and somehow also more hopeful.

So, I’m sending a virtual hug to you (if that’s ok) along with a reminder that 30 is young and we have entire lives ahead of us and I don’t think it will ever feel like we’ve learned enough. We can only keep going and try to approach the learning with excitement (if possible), even if it seems we might be behind.

I get that feeling. When was writing my master's thesis it was really hard for me to get motivated to finish it (due to there not being a deadline) but also I was dragging out the time where I had to apply for jobs. I was working always a bit while studying but I really started to panic because I could not imagine myself working in the field that I studied in for 5 years and I was also scared to get rejected from jobs if I did apply. I did not know what I liked, where I saw myself. It was really bad. But I did get a job and it did change me and I grew a lot as a person. I am also single and people around me seem to be more grown up than I do (at least that's what my inner critic is saying :)). They're having kinds, getting married or buying a house or even just dress more confidently and it makes me feel insecure and more isolated at times.

But as clique as it sounds, life is about being scared and showing up anyways. About writing your own stories and failing plenty. I feel like I fail plenty but I win and grow also all the time. It depends on which emotion I stand on when I look at the day or what I did or did not accomplish.

Me for example, I just got fired on Thursday because I also have a problem of keeping my mouth shut and keeping critique to myself. That post was about me not being professional enough or conformed enough and my boss got pissed at it. It feels like a relief because I was so stressed but it also it feels like my personal failure because the situation is due to both my boss and me (and also of course the work environment, the clients, a lack of communication etc.). But it really sucks right now and I feel the whole rainbow of anger, guilt, shame, fear and sadness right now. But things will get better again and in the grand scheme of things, this will not be as signifiant right now as it feels. It just does at the moment because I am feeling all these things and this job was very important to me.

I think what I just want to say with we're all fail at time but we also can celebrate our private victories a lot of times because both of them exist. That's life and that's the strength, for stuff to suck but still show up for yourself. I am trying to be compassionate with myself even though in all honesty I fail at it this year like 7 out of 10 times. But we still gotta try 🌻

#Anonymous

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sefinaa · 8 months

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❝𝐏𝐀𝐂: “𝐈 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐠𝐨 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧’𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭.”❞

What do you need to let go? 🍃

YouTube | Masterlist | Tips | Paid Readings

—18+ readings

Not a tarot card reading, only based on my intuition.

Divider

Pile 1:

Yourself.

Why do you need to let go of yourself? What made you come to this decision? Is it because you do not love yourself? Are you insecure of yourself? Do you assume that people will find you more attractive if you were social? What made you come to the decision, honestly.

Honestly, I don’t know why you would be insecure of yourself. I don’t know why you don’t even like yourself. The energy I feel about you is fantastic. I would love to be your friend. You have this type of energy where you include everyone but at the same time, you take care of yourself. That is a worthy quality, that does not make you selfish, and it certainly as heck does not make you rude or cruel.

Some of you have people in your life who called you a d//ck because you didn’t want to do something that they ask for. You’re not one, and you certainly deserve to be selfish. We are human beings. We have emotions, and we must take care of ourselves before others or else we will crumble into pieces and let ourselves drown.

I want you to let go of the things that do not define you; I want you to let go of the negativity people have associated you with that is not true. And I truly want you to understand that everyone is completely different, no one is the same, and you must cut off people who have said things like that, and expected things from you.

I hear that some of you might have been people pleasers because of trauma that happened during your childhood with a family member, especially a parent. I see an imagery of a young child, who is doing something they truly love, they’re drawing with crayons on a piece of paper, and though it doesn’t look the best, they decided to show their parent. But their parent reaction wasn’t what the child expected and the parent was harsh towards them, so the child felt like they weren’t worth it and their piece of work is pathetic. The child is running back into their room and I see ripped up pieces of paper of their artwork on the ground and I see them their face buried in their arms on the desk. They think about what the parents said to them and their energy is hurting, but they don’t cry.

My intuition says that this is basically how you feel, but this is also your inner child. Intuition tells me that you must heal your inner child. You must do the things that you like when you were a child before the stigma of people’s expectations attacked you. If you are able to divert what they have said to and about you that hurt your feelings and if you’re able to exchange that negativity into positivity, then you will endless opportunities for yourself and be able to heal your inner child and yourself in the process.

Pile 2:

Your job.

You need to let go of the job that you are currently working with because it is draining you. I feel such stressful energy coming from this pile. I can see that you’re working incredibly hard at this job but it’s not taking you anywhere, it is not growing you as a person. I see an imagery of you, typing very fast on a computer as it’s very dark outside with a blue hue (4-5 am), very stressed out, and trying to get the deadline.

One thing my intuition is telling me is that these people don’t even care about you. They want you to work and that is how they get paid. Also my intuition says, “you already have the idea of what you want to have as your occupation. You have these dreams and these aspirations that you want to take forth with, but you do not, out of fear. The fear that we have is something that we should not let it control us, it should not be a reminder to us that we cannot do something, it should be there so we can become more determined to fulfill our dreams and aspirations. You already know that you can do this, there is no need for you to worry and stress out so much.”

I hear from my intuition that you should not quit your job right now however, you should take into consideration that this is not what you want to do. Because you know what you want to do and I can feel that you know as well. You also have this vision, idea, and visualization of what you want to do—keep at it and I kid you not, you will have what you desire and you’ll have to work that draining job anymore.

Pile 3:

Your mom.

I’m hearing that this pile has a narcissistic mother and the person who is reading this has this feeling to forgive. I can feel that your mother makes you feel guilty for leaving her behind, not talking to her, and mostly, manipulating you into thinking she’s a good mother. She is not. The energy I’m feeling is making me anxious, it’s something that no one deserves and it is awful. The energy I channeled is how you feel with her.

My intuition says, “this is your mother, yes, however she is not an actual mother figure of yours. You have a family member in your life that you see as a mother, you have always seen them as a mother, even as a child when you think of questions associate with a mother, or you think of mothers, in general, you always think about this person. This person is good. This person has great energy. This person is very loving and they love you very much. Don’t go back to your mother, the toxicity that she has around you is.. it feels like drowning. She believes that she is the most important person in the whole world, that your feelings are irrelevant, that everything that you have done well is because of her, but not because of yourself. That is not true. All the good things that you have done is because of you, remember that.”

I hear some of you lost your father at a young age, and with your mother, it has gone worse because of that. I hear that she blames you for his death, even though it is not your fault. I also feel this sensation that you always have to take care of her even as a child. You were the mother figure for her, when she should have been your mother—now you have this tendency to take care of other people when it’s not necessary, not like people pleaser, but more as in like I will give you so much but I don’t expect anything at all because I don’t deserve it; it is not true at all. The way I see it, and the way that I see it, your energy is beautiful. I can see that you deserve so much more so you must stop prioritizing other people and your mother and you need to let go of them both and work on yourself.

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calummss · 9 months

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having a baby with marshall mathers/eminem

masterlist

headcanon includes timeline, pregnancy and after birth bullet points

for the purpose of this headcanon the baby is called romy

timeline

i imagine marshall to also be young in this universe — 24 years old, can barely keep a job down. you work multiple jobs to pull through college. becoming parents was the last thing on your mind

finding out you were pregnant was a shock; as much sex as you two had, you always made sure to be protected, so when you suddenly realised your period was late and took a pregnancy test your heart literally dopped

you literally dropped everything, crammed the test into your pockets and marched through the frosty detroit morning to the restaurant marshall was currently employed under and asked to see him

marshall assured you that whatever conclusion you came to would be right and would support you no matter what

that definitely was the biggest weight lifted off your shoulders—the reassurance that marshall would stick with you if you decided to keep the baby

it was definitely a tough decision and took you almost two weeks to completely make up your mind

you ofc decided to keep the baby (otherwise whats the point of this headcanon?)

marshall promised to that he would be by your side and support his new family

literally 5 seconds after you told him you wanted to keep the baby, he pulled out a ring and said ‘thank god cause this is just a good excuse to marry you’

and we all know that having a child in marriage is far easier (but marshall also loved you and would’ve married you anyways)

baby mathers would be born on december 25th aka christmas because it would just be the best christmas present

what it would include (during pregnancy)

i feel like marshall is the type to be extra careful with you; offering his arm or hand when walking down steps, not letting you carry heavy things, making sure you cannot be hurt in whatever it is you are doing. and if any of his friends did something harmless but he saw it as a danger, he would be so pissed off

i also think it’s very possible for him to call your unborn baby ‘baby mathers; little slim’ something sweet that builds a connection

i imagine marshall to be very helpful with things around the house or other things that need to be done but he’ll definitely be pissed a few times because even though he understands that you’re supposed to relax and take care of yourself and the baby, he feels an extra burden so maybe he snaps once or twice? he immediately apologises but it’s a lot for a man who constantly takes new jobs and tries to be the best husband and father

i 100% see him talking to your stomach. he’ll talk to his daughter, catch her up on life and what he’s doing

‘hello baby, it’s daddy. mommy only has a few months left before we finally get to meet you. don’t take too long though because mama is startin’ to get very tired. the doctor said that you’re due for christmas. now daddy isn’t one who belives in destiny but you my little lady are goin’ to be our little christmas present. daddy has no money right now and that makes him feel like a bum but he’ll work extra hard to give you everything you ever want… if you ever want a unicorn you just come and let daddy know, okay?’

i have this gut feeling that he tries to hide his feelings. during this time marshall is so overwhelmed. he’s happy to welcome his daughter, stressed because he doesn’t know how long his job will last and how much money he can put down. you’ll find him crying in the kitchen one night after you wake up and couldn’t feel him beside you. you let him cry alone knowing he needed alone time

marshall will try to honour your cravings and buy you anything you want. if he’s short on money or can’t leave he will ask deshaun to swing by (and shaun cannot say no to you)

the d12 group will 100% pledge allegiance to baby mathers!! like you just now that as soon as you hang out together they’re gonna talk about how baby mathers will be protected at all costs, no one’s gonna f*ck with her etc. it’s like they’re her bodyguards ready to get at anyone’s neck who would even dare take a wrong glance at her

marshall’s arm would drape over your stomach when you two sleep at night. his arm would go from lying on a flat surface to a montain but he didn’t seem to mind. it was a habit he picked up

when you get closer to your due date this man would be stressed!! i mean stressed! any call out (shit, fuck, no, yes, what, literally the list goes on and on) would have a panting marshall by your side in less than a few seconds. he’s just waiting for your water to break. he’s extra careful during the last weeks because at this point you’re also stressed and just want the pregnancy to be done with

so when your water does finally break you know the bag is packed and in less than 5 minutes you’re on your way to the hospital, i just know it

extra: during labour he’s so supportive: holding your hand, motivating you, but deep inside he’s so much more stressed than you are lmao

what it would include (after birth)

he would not be able to let go of her. any time you turn away and look back he’d have little romy in his arms, literally hearts in his eyes as he stares down at her

you both decided on breastfeeding but you bought formula so that he could feed her and seeing him holding her in his arms feeding her the bottle makes your heart skip a beat. it allowed him to be as close to her as you were during feedings

he is absolutely obsessed with her hands. he loves how her baby hand wraps around his finger, and when she’s older the feeling of her small hand in his as it engulfs hers

plus he loves carrying her. he just loves the closeness. he will carry his baby girl anywhere and everywhere

marshall would be so proud to show her off to his friends. and if she wasn’t with him he’d find any reason to talk about her. they could be talking about the best ways to make a drink and he’d just start rambling about baby romy. some of them playfully roll their eyes but understand where he’s coming from

he’ll definitely be overwhelmed the first months when she wakes up crying in the middle of the night because it just adds to the stress but will never openly complain about it. he toughens up and goes to her room to calm her down

he’d have an addiction with baby clothes and browsing around stores literally fighting himself wether or not he actually needs to buy certain things

he’ll only address his daughter as ‘baby’ to the point you tell him to start calling her romy because she’d probably start to believe that baby was her name

marshall would definitely beat himself up trying to live up to his own expectations as a father. having no father to look up to, he tries to do his daughter justice but feels like he fails her in certain moments. those moments similar to those during pregnancy, he would sit alone in the kitchen just thinking about how to make things right

he’d insist on bringing baby romy EVERYWHERE. this man cannot stay away from her for longer than a few hours. she’s his serotonin, his lifeline

he’d have a piggy bank for her where he would put a 1/4 of his pay into so that she would be able to buy things she wanted

romy (and you) would serve as his main inspiration for music and also motivate him to work hard to make it out of greensbriar

after his rise to fame, despite his busy work schedule, marshall tries to spend as much time with her as possible

he tries to do few shows so that he’s not away from her and you for too long

with the rise of fame, his income flooded in. marshall buys her almost everything she wants. not stuff she doesn’t need but a lot. he’s not spoiling her in the way you think. he just wants her to have everything he didn’t have and make her happy. and if buying her a fourth barbie doll makes his baby smile then he will buy her that fourth barbie doll!!

though romy serves as his drive and motivation and inspiration for many of his songs, he tries to keep her out of the spotlight and out of hollywood. as soon as he’s done recording, attending award shows etc. he’s back on a plane to detroit to see his baby the only lady he adores (see what i did? ofc you did.)

he’d just be such an amazing father which you remind him of every day. he still doubts a lot but he’s starting to know his impact on her life

also romy comes before anything else!! daddy-daughter-day at kindergarten? sorry dre but this recording will be postponed. tour dates fall onto romy’s first day of school? yeah that tour night ain’t happening—i think you get what i’m trying to say. nothing will stop him from experiencing milestones and important memories in her life and in his life as a father (learned what not to do from his father)

the older she gets the more sentimental he becomes. seeing his baby grow up makes him sad and proud at the same time. she’s not only his whole world but she is the reason for him breathing and continuing in life even if it seems that life doesn’t want him to win

you made romy a cd with all the songs dedicated or about her from her daddy so when she’s in her room playing with dolls whatever, his songs are on repeat and the sight of it could make him fall to his knees (metaphorically speaking)

when romy turns 4 and older she’ll randomly make him watch her self choreographed dances or sing along to his songs and you best believe he is smiling and clapping after EVERY performance his baby girl gives!! he’s her number 1 fan. he even encourages her to show his friends and you already now they’re hyping up their little lady

and when romy is 15, oh she’s gonna rap him some of his songs and he’ll have the same reaction. maybe even share the stage for one song? who knows?

marshall is known for his rap and not for his cooking for a reason but he has few recipes like pancakes or foods he grew up with that are staples and enjoys cooking them for romy (she has her dad’s tastebuds 100%)

when romy has nightmares he’ll let her sleep in your bed for as long as she needs to feel safe again (deep down he never wants his baby to leave)

#eminem x you #eminem x y/n #eminem headcanon #eminem x reader #eminem imagine #eminem imagines #eminem fanfic #eminem fanfiction #eminem #marshall mathers x y/n #marshall mathers x you #marshall mathers headcanon #marshall mathers x reader #marshall mathers imagines #marshall mathers imagine #marshall mathers fanfiction #marshall mathers

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tarotwithavi · 1 year

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What is coming for you soon?

.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・

How to choose a pile?

Take a deep breath and close your eyes. Kindly ask your spirit guides to show you the right pile for yourself and then open your eyes. Whichever pile catches your attention is the right pile for you.

Masterlist

Paid services

.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・

Pile 1

Expect a new job offer if you're unsatisfied with your current job.

If you have been feeling down lately expect to have a blasting time by yourself.

I'm seeing a new relationship. For some it is going to be a soulmate relationship .

If you like gothic things , I'm seeing that you're going to buy the things you have been searching for.

Someone you have been thinking about is going to come to you. This person may have disappointed you in the past.

I'm seeing the completion of a difficult cycle. Your health is going to improve in the next 30 days.

I'm also seeing an ending here but don't worry this is going to be for the best of you.

You may get invited to a wedding and let me tell you, you're going to have a grand time there.

People who have done you dirty are going to get their karma and they may come to you with an apology. It's up to you if you want to forgive them or not.

You're going to receive an unexpected present from someone. This present may be something you have always wanted.

Please help

.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・

Pile 2

Do you know you have been watched pile 2? A lot of people have their eyes one you.

You're going to shine in your work setting and people will start to recognize for who you ate.

If you have participated in a competition or something expect positive response. Either you'll top or people will recognize you even if you don't win.

A lot of people will come to you , they would want to be your friend but be careful not all of them will have good motives.

All your hard work is going to pay off in the next month and all your manifestations are going to come true.

You may feel burdened by all the responsibilities on your shoulder but don't worry everything is going to work out.

A new person is entering your life and they will bring you stability.

If your family has been going through financial issues, I'm seeing that your father's job/business is going to pay him more.

You may change places/home/schools and this change is going to be very sudden.

Exactly 10 days from when you read his pac, some good news will come to you.

Please help

.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・

Pile 3

You may get to meet your old friends. They are going to reach out to you soon.

I'm also seeing an end of a relationship/friendship that was toxic for you.

You're a magnet to good things right now my pile 3. Ask and you shall receive.

I'm also seeing an exciting event for you . Some of you may get invited to a certain event and you'll cherish the memories of this event forever.

I'm seeing that some of you may have been working on a project for a couple of months now, I'm am getting that you will achieve great success in it.

Someone may try to send you the evil eyes or is sending you right now. You are being told to protect yourself and your people.

One of your friends/someone in your circle is talking about you behind your back. This person is distrustful.

I'm getting that some of you may need to change your furniture or you might renovate your house/room.

Try to eat more vegetables and fruits because if don't get proper nutrition you may get sick in the upcoming days.

You may travel somewhere in the summer. This vacation will bring you balance and relax your mind.

Please help

.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・

Pile 4

If you have applied for a scholarship, you're going to receive the email soon and results will be in your favor.

You're being told to trust your intuition or gut feeling in regards to new people entering your life.

You will be guided by your guardian angels, no need to be so stressed out.

Someone might criticize your work, don't be mad at them try to understand why they are criticising you.

I'm seeing a huge physical glow up for you. People are going to be stunned by your beauty.

You might get a vision about the future. Don't ignore this message, it can help you in challenging times.

The efforts you're putting in your work is not enough for it to achieve the success you want it to. Increase your efforts a little.

Some people might try to bring you down because of their own insecurity, don't lower your standards because of them.

Don't sign any documents without reading through it first. Even if itst from someone you trust wholeheartedly.

If someone has betrayed you once, they'll betray you again when they get the chance to. DON'T EVER TRUST THEM AGAIN.

Wear more green to attract abundance. And take care of your feet.

Please help

.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・

#pick a crystal #pick a gif #pick a picture #pick a photo #pick a card #pick a pile #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #tarot reading #pac tarot #tarot cards #tarot #oracle reading #predictions #tarot deck #tarot readings #free readings #free tarot

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turtlesandfrogs · 3 months

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So, here's the problem: the longer I work in gardening and landscaping, the more I care about the ecological impacts of native plants, and the less I care about aesthetics. Which is a problem, when most clients' primary concern is that their yard looks nice. Which, fair, I just don't care as much about it as they do and I feel like I could be making a bigger impact than I currently am.

So I'm thinking of quitting this job and going one of two entirely different directions, and for some reason it's rather hard to choose.

Option A is starting my own native plant nursery, which would focus on small (4 inch and gallon pot sized) native plants, with a focus on plants that are most important for native pollinators (especially those that are endangered or threatened where I am). There's some competition, but mostly at selling-to-landscapers level and not retail, and I'd want to focus on retail sales.

Option B is to get a job with the state doing some kind of ecological restoration work. The problem with that is my bachelor's degree is over a decade old and I don't actually have the kind of experience to put on my resume that would likely convince them that I can do the work (unless a combination of teaching and being self-employed as a gardener that helps people incorporate native plants and removes invasive species counts, which maybe?). So I'd probably have to take a lower level job and one that's further away to get in, and then work my way up.

Option A has the upsides of: completely setting my own schedule, getting to work with plants most of the time, getting to work with my partner, flexibility to decide I want to start teaching classes again or something. It has the down sides of having to do taxes multiple times per year, and not being guaranteed to work, and either needing to take out a business loan to get started or work at a day job to fund starting it up. Also if it fails I'll have to get another job without have professional references again, which yikes.

Option B has the upside of once you're in state work, it's way easier to get other state jobs so if I burn out of one job, I can hop to another relatively easily, will almost certainly make more money, comes with health insurance and retirement savings, and is likely the more stable option. On the down side, it would mean working 40 hours a week without getting to pick my schedule and it would be harder to take time off than it is now, I'll have to work my way up to a comfortable salary, and there's a lot less autonomy than when self employed. But I'll also have professional references out the wazoo, so finding new jobs should be easier?

One of the things that concerns me is I have ADHD and up until teaching, the longest I ever stayed in one job was almost 2 years. I taught for 4 years, then was self-employed as a gardener for 4 years, and now I've worked for this landscaping company for just over a year (and am grumpy about a) not making much money and b) aesthetics and only providing services to people who can afford us, rather than say, improving the environment for everyone). So I'm actually kinda afraid that if I started the native plant nursery, I would get sick of it after less than 5 years and be starting from scratch again. Whereas with a state job, I can pop over to a new job fairly easily. On the other hand, maybe I'm just doubting myself too much because all of those other jobs were actually really bad matches for me.

Anyway, my brain is going in circles over this. I mean, really, part of me thinks I should stay at this job even though it doesn't pay much compared to what I could make elsewhere (I have learned a lot though, which can be transfered to other jobs) just because it's so low stress compared to any other job I've had in the last decade & because the people are great and the work isn't bad. It just galls me that occasionally clients have ideas that I strongly disagree with, like cutting down a very nice magnolia tree because "it's too big" and I just have to do it because I'm an employee now. Ugh.

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waltwhitmansbeard · 5 months

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so i just read a post explaining why the op (and, according to the op, a lot of other people, even tho the post in question only had 32 notes, some of which were from people who disagreed with them) didn't like the cut to the crown keepers in last week's episode. while i'm totally on board with people not jibing with stuff that just doesn't work for them, i wanted offer some reasons why this seemingly hard pivot to people who are not the main characters of the story being told was a good decision to make (note good decision, not inherently the best decision, which i believe no one, including the dm, at a ttrpg table should ever be expected to make).

matt had an extremely powerful, extremely unexpected character decision dropped in his lap in the final moments of the previous episode. we don't know exactly how much time matt has between recordings, maybe a full week, maybe not, but either way, there's a very real chance that matt just did not have enough time to fully prepare a session to deal with fcg's death and what comes next.

sam now has to create a new character that a) is of a level with the rest of the party and b) makes narrative sense for him to be there. that takes time for both him and matt, and they might just need some space to work on that. when laudna died, marisha was willing to sit away from the table for several weeks because she knew that she wanted laudna to be resurrected, but sam may not want the same thing, and that's okay!

matt may want to fold the crown keepers into his main story, some or all of them—particularly dorian, whom both liam and the fans have been asking to return for a while now. dorian is clearly important to orym and the story that liam is trying to tell, and bringing the crown keepers in may be matt's way to do that.

matt—and dms generally—has always had to straddle a very fine line of making sure that his players are the main characters of their story who feel like their actions have real consequences and effects on the world, while also understanding that in reality, it doesn't make sense for half a dozen chucklefucks to have such an outsized effect on major cosmological goings-on like *checks notes* the potential release of a god-eater. this becomes especially true when you're on your third campaign set in the same world, and your players' previous ultra-powerful pcs are still around and definitely more adept and connected than their current pcs are. i, personally, think matt does a great job at walking that line, and one of the things he does that i appreciate is that he doesn't shy away from the fact that a) his players are powerful but not the most powerful and b) his players aren't the only one who care about what's going on in the world and who are taking actions to effect change. the current plotline re: ruidus is absolutely world-shaking and is causing all the divine girlies to cower in their demiplanes, so of course even the evil ones are going to be calling on their champions to help out. it makes more sense for opal to be involved (which, btw, matt has been hinting at for a while now) than not.

matt might need a fucking break! he's been doing this consistently for nine years now, and shit is complicated! handing over the reins to aabria for a week or two or three may be what he needs to not get burnt out.

dnd is an emotional game, and the entire cast might have been rocked hard by fcg's death. some space away for a week or two could help them process and regroup to get back into a story that is otherwise very stressful and action-packed.

or it's none of these! what do i know! i'm a random idiot on the internet! matt doesn't consult me on these matters! (though my dms are open if he wants to chat, i do have ideas)

i think it's tempting to think of the decisions made in and around critical role (or any ttrpg show) like those made for a television series, because the episodes are serialized and we love them so much. but this show is, first and foremost, a group of friends playing a game together, and not a carefully constructed narrative with the primary goal of entertaining an audience. the audience always has been and, frankly, always should be second to the wishes and fun of the people around that table. matt would not have asked aabria to step in and dm a crown keepers side arc if he didn't think it was a good decision for him and his players, and that priority is the correct one. we are being invited in to watch these friends have fun together, and that's a privilege that we're super lucky to have. as long as the cr story isn't doing things that are outright abusive or harmful to the cast or the audience, i don't think we should begrudge them the choices they make in the name of their own game.

again, it's okay if you're not vibing with the crown keepers! i didn't love the aeor arc of c2! not everything is for everyone! but i think accusing matt and the cast of narrative malfeasance is a bit much when, tbqh, they don't answer to us. they answer to each other.

#me #critical role #cr meta

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zeezelweazel · 1 year

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Valorant| S/O is tired of their protectiveness|

____________________________

I'm not so into Valorant anymore but I still love my wives

This is angsty ofc <3

Characters Included : Reyna, Sage, Viper, Fade

____________________________________________________

• Reyna •

For you Reyna, who you know as Zyanya, is a very soft and caring person at heart who would do anything for the people she loves. She also is extremely protective because of that.

After everything that happened with her sister Lucia she doesn't want to lose you. You keep reminding her that you're not a child and can protect yourself as you're a capable figher and a strong rediant. Your dear girlfriend is very stubborn it seems because no matter how many times you've brought it up she still insists on protecting you.

You've had numerous fights about this but the last one was the worst one. It was before a mission, when you insisted on going on B site alone to ensure that no enemy agent will make an escape and plant the spike there but Reyna dissagreed with your plan after deeming it too dangerous.

You two kept going back and forth yelling at eachother until Viper got between you and decided on a different plan all together.

It's been a few days since but you're still angry. She made you feel so humiliated by treating you like you were made of glass, like you were nothing in front of the great empress.

That's probably why you were pushing past your limits now. To prove her wrong and establish your place as her equal.

It's much harder than it sounds, as it turns out, your body can't handle it all and before you know it you're struggling to stand up. Your efforts payed off as the mission was very successful but you don't have a chance to celebrate it with your fellow teammates because you collapse a few moments after you hear Breach saying that the spike has been defused.

When you woke up the first thing you felt was a heavy weight on your right arm and after a small struggle you opened your eyes to see your girlfriend staring back at you surprised.

Reyna moved towards you and softly touched your cheek. She didn't need to say anything, you could see it in her eyes. After that day instead of staying behind her and being protected by her you fight alongside Reyna.

• Sage •

Sage is a healer. It's her job to care about others. That is the reason why she knew your relationship wasn't a good idea. She tried to keep things professional for the longest time but ultimately her feelings got the better of her. After you started dating she naturally became more protective of you.

You got tired of it pretty quickly but didn't say anything. You didn't want her to think that she's overbearing and cause any issues so early on.

Every time you got injured, she scolded you for your mistakes and on your next mission together she was way more protective. Almost caging you and making you unable of doing anything of importance.

It was like you were just a nice decoration. A beautiful woman on the battlefield not providing anything to the team or the mission.

You tried really, really hard not to snap at her but at this point it was impossible.

The adrenaline and stress of the current mission aren't helping either. It was going fine enough but everything could go wrong ver quickly. And of course, it did.

Sage was getting to the spike, ready to defuse it when you heard a very familiar voice shout.

" Fire in the hole! "

Every muscle in your body tensed as you looked at the surrounding walls, waiting for the bomb to fall on your head.

Your girlfriend acted faster than you by raising one of her walls for protection, but instead of shielding herself to defuse the spike she chose to but the wall in front of you leaving herself exposed in the process.

That proved to be a fatal mistake as soon after one of Raze's bombs blew up right in front of Sage. You watched in slow motion as the device flew across the battlefield and your girlfriend collapsed to the ground, writhing in pain.

You immediately reached for her and ignored the immense heat radiating from the burns in her body as you hid behind the closest cover.

You looked behind to see the rest of your team has picked up their efforts and the spike was currently being defused by Chamber.

Next thing you know you're the one waiting for Sage to wake up as you pitifully sit by her infirmary bed. When she wakes up you're ready to scold her, just like she does with you.

"I can't believe you didn't protect yourself. I'm a radiant for fucks sake I can protect myself. Besides the fact that you got injured and couldn't heal anyone after the battle, the damn defuser almost got busted. All because you thought I wasn't strong enough. Aren't you the one complaining about "not being just a healer" all the time? Aren't you tired of how everyone is treating you like you're made of glass and not letting you go to the front lines? Why do you treat me this way then?"

Sage was quiet for a long time and you thought about leaving before her raspy voice startled you.

"I see how I was at fault now. I'm sorry I... I never meant to hurt you like this I just felt such a strong need to protect you. I promise you from now on I'll let you fight your own battles."

• Viper •

Viper sees almost every single person in the Protocol as inferior to her and surprise surprise even though you two are dating and she does love like you it still needs time before it gets through her thick skull that you're not just her "little mouse" and instead can defend yourself.

A little part of Sabine keeps repeating a name from her past. A tragedy that she caused, someone that she couldn't save. That someone she loved like you and that someone was strong like you but in the end non of that mattered.

She tried to convince herself that in you she sees the same thing she does in everyone here in the protocol. She wishes she could look at you and think of a pathetic little mouse trying to befriend the snake. But she can't. She does try though.

You were ready for an easy mission today but when you saw your girlfriend walk in the mission room looking serious you knew this was going to be a hard one.

A mission in Omega Earth. Well that's a different one. Only KJ, Neon and Reyna had had the pleasure of visiting your lovely neighbours so far.

Viper always insisted that you come with her on every mission together because you work well as a team, which isn't a lie but the main reason she wants you close by is so that she can reach out and protect you whenever possible.

You hate it. Sometimes the rest of the protocol jokes around by saying that you're dating your mom.

This time you told yourself that you're going to act exactly how you do on every other mission, regardless of what Viper tells you to do.

But of course your girlfriend didn't like the defiance, especially not when she's your superior in the field. You were out numbered by a bunch of simple soldiers.

You wanted to charge in and take them out so you can enter the facility you were here to investigate. Viper insisted that there has to be more. Her experience told her that this is too easy, the Valorant Legion must be waiting inside.

You, of course, didn't listen to her and charged in anyway with a very angry Viper chasing after you.

The moment you walked into the facility you were faced with a pretty bad ambush. The both of you fought as hard as you could but in the end you barely made it with the help of the rest of the team.

The ride back was very awkward with Viper not taking a single break from glaring at you while you were trying to busy yourself with literally anything.

As expected you had an argument the moment you reached HQ.

"You disobeyed direct orders from your superior! What were you thinking?!"

"I'm tired of this Viper! Every single time we have a mission together you treat me like a stupid little girl that can't do shit on her own!"

"This isn't the point. You but your life in danger-"

"I don't care! I will not be treated like this anymore. I know you have a thing for belittling people but for fucks sake you must really get off on doing it to me because I can't count how many times you've destroyed my dignity. "

Taking a big breath from all the fighting you closed your eyes and run a hand through your hair. You didn't wait another second before leaving and heading to your room. If only you stayed a moment longer you would've seen a very rare sight. The one and only Viper standing there with her hands clenched and her lips pursed as she desperately tries to hold back her tears.

• Fade •

Fade was afraid. She couldn't, wouldn't, admit it. But she was so scared of you disappearing. Just like he did. She was terrified of her life ending up in an endless nightmare.

Sometimes she tells herself that this is unfair to you. That she can't keep caging you like this. She trues to turn a blind eye to it but she sees your frustrated and hurt expression every time she acts like your knight in shining armour.

She ignores these feelings as best as she can, it's not just for her it's for your own good as well. She knows when to step in, she knows your limits.

You on the other hand can't handle seeing her in pain because of you. She thinks she's protecting you but she's only putting herself in unnecessary danger. You know your limits better than her, you are aware if what's happening around you and when you need to charge in or pull out.

You try not to blame Fade. You know that she doesn't mean to demeanor you. She's only scared of loosing you. Hazal hasn't talked to you about the mystery man she's been trying to find either. Not much anyway, but from what you know he must've meant a lot to her.

You really want to talk with her about it. Communication is important and you know this well it's just that you don't know how to bring it up without hurting her or without her trying to slither her way out of the conversation.

You decided that the best way to do this would be to bring it up in the heat of the moment. Which inly meant that you simply would have to wait you're assigned in another mission together.

Thankfully it was sooner than you expected. Another usual mission for the Valorant Protocol. Defend your home by defusing the spike and winning another fight against the Valorant Legion.

Guns aren't your specialty per say since you mostly depend on your radiant abilities. Not that you can't aim but it is especially difficult when you can't see. Shooting from inside one of Omen's shadow domes is almost impossible you can't see who you're aiming at and you don't even know if it's friend or foe.

You're pretty confused when the dome disappears and you see no one in front of you. When you take a few steps forward you're surprised when Sky tackles you into the ground. The woman must be out of her wooden animals but still she's physically stronger than you.

You two continue to scramble for a little while before the world goes black. At first you thought she knocked you out but you quickly realised that this is your girlfriend's work.

When you come to you immediately try to look for Fade. She is shocked when she sees you but don't let her speak a word.

"I hope today taught you a lesson. You can't keep trying to protect me. Not like this anyway. I had everything under control and you ended up doing more bad than good."

"I-I know and I'm sorry but-"

"No buts, just promise me you'll never try to protect me again."

*I promise."

#wlw #female reader #valorant imagines #valorant x reader #reyna x reader #sage x reader #valorant sage x reader #viper x reader #fade x reader

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dxmedstudent · 6 days

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I haven't been on Tumblr in a while but wanted to check how you're doing! How is married life treating you and how is work- I remember last time you were applying for GP training! I'm just coming to the end of F1 :)

Me neither, Anon! Honestly? I have been meaning to come back to Tumblr a while ago, but life has been busy! I had tried to spend less time on socual media so i could focus on my membership exams, and that went too well.

Time flies, I can't believe it's been more than 10 years since I joined tumblr or graduated from med school.

I can't remember which updates I've already shared, so I'll make a list.

Married life is great - pretty similar to pre-married life. Because we started off in different cities due to my training and covid, it's honestly just a joy to live together and be able to hang out. I've been meaning to post a couple of anonymised wedding photos. It still feels amazing that we managed to get all the people we love together. We also managed to fly out to my birth country so that DxDude could meet my relatives...most of whom don't speak English. It was hilarious and lovely and he took being mobbed by an army of Eastern European Babushkas very well.

We adopted a cat! His owner died suddenly and my parents sort of got left with the cat. It was at a difficult time, as it was around the time my beloved cat passed away last year. I still miss her. But I couldn't let someone's baby, a lovely senior cat, live out his last days in a shelter. He's a little 14ish year old man called Sherlock. He loves being held and sitting on my shoulders and he drools when he gets excited. We've been trying to discourage his habit of nipping you when he wants something.

My houseplants and balcony plants may be slowly getting out of control, but I'm happy I have lots of them, and i would have more if we weren't running out of space. I'm currently waging a war against mealybugs. Send thoughts and prayers.

I did get into GP training! And it was local to where I wanted to be, which made it much easier to finally move in together. In fact, I JUST finished GP training a couple of weeks ago and am now living my GP dreams working in one of the practices that I trained in. It's very inner city London. Our patients have complex needs, and I'm honoured to ve in a team that have a lot of experience serving patients affected by substance abuse, homelessness and refugee populations and other complex issues.

We went on Honeymoon to Japan! It was amazing, and I'd still love to go again. I was bold enough to arrange my Honeymoon to be barely a month before a postgraduate exam, but I passed!

This past academic year has been filled with sitting exams and jumping through the hoops required for my eportfolio. On top of working full time as a GP. I didn't think I would do it all first time TBH, but my supervisor had more faith in me than I did. It's honestly been amazing to work for a few jobs in GP training where I felt seen and wanted and where my hard work was appreciated. I can't believe my supervisor offered me my current job, and wanted me to stay on, but they did!

I finished a diploma in sexual and reproductive health and trained in fitting contraceptive implants. I'd like to train up to fit IUDs also to try to improve local access to sexual health services.

I went on strike these past couple of years, when the junior doctors went on strike again. I'm still processing the pay offer and the new government. But I'm relieved we're no loner under the Tories.

We'd like to move house, but we've not gotten around to trying to do this seriously, because my life was already stressful enough. We do need more space, and I hope we'll find somewhere modestly nice that we can afford.

We're trying for kids, and it's sadly taking much longer than we hoped. Being a patient is...a slow and frustrating experience because it already feels like I've had to work harder than I should to advocate for appropriate care. I could say a LOT about the postcode lotteries that come with UK fertility care but I'll leave that for another post.

I've finally accepted that my hair is wavy, and I'm trying out different products to lean into the natural waves and bring them out without leaving it a frizzy Hermione-esque mess. It spent tge past years mostly in a plait or cadet bun, but I'm finally giving my hair a bit more freedom. I have NOT yet accepted that my hair is mostly white at this point. I alternate between wanting to go grey (because that would look cool) and wanting to stay brown because that's kind of how I've imagined myself for the past 35+ years.

I finally get to indulge in painting my nails. I've loved it since I was like 13 and seeing my nails sparkly and colorful brings out my inner 13 year old and she is thrilled. Every time I make my nails glow in the dark, I show them off to DxDude before bed.

My laptop died and then I inherited an old laptop from my parents which is also dying. Which is part of the reason I haven't created much art in recent years. I should probably just bite the bullet and buy a new one, but my exams and diplomas have been expensive so I've been putting it off. To be fair I also made the decision to use my limited free time to keep up with friends and family IRL and try not to feel bad about taking a break from creating. I felt like I was blaming myself for not managing to do everything I wanted to do. I've slowly accepted that none of us can do everything.

I think that's it for now. Looking forward to catching up with what medblr are up to 😃

#medicine #personal #dxlives #dx lives #medblr #dxmedstudent #doctor life

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morganbritton132 · 2 years

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hey! firstly wanted to thank you for this whole eddie munson tik tok saga, it’s seriously brilliant and hilarious and always something i look forward to. i know you’ve said that you weren’t really going to go into detail on the specifics of the world (ie other characters careers and lives etc.) but do you have any vague ideas on where exactly the others ended up? like i saw that you jonathan’s a photographer in a different state, and i know dustin lives close by, and i think you said something about max and lucas still together, but have you got any other information or little headcanons you can share? (like who ended up with who?) feel free to ignore this btw ik it doesn’t exactly fit into the stuff you normally post so no worries if you don’t want to acknowledge it 😂 again, i love this series so much thank you for putting so much time and effort into it!

I actually have talked a bit about what jobs that I think everybody would have in this post!

I left Mike and El out because I haven’t really come across a job that feels right for those two. Someone did suggest once that they thought that a good career for El would be working with child protective services, and I think that’s fitting. I think it makes complete sense that she’d want to help children out of bad situations. My only problem with it is that working for CPS is a very noble profession, but it’s gotta be depressing as hell.

And also, I don’t think that El should have to work.

She saved the world multiple times. I don’t think she should have to participate in the capitalist hellscape that is having a job.

As for where everybody lives and who they’re with:

I don’t know if I’ve ever stated it outright, but Steve and Eddie live in the suburbs outside of Chicago. Everybody lives in or around the Chicago area, except for Jonathan and Argyle who live in California and Erica who lives in Washington DC. People have moved in and out of the state, but currently almost everybody is within driving distance.

Hopper and Joyce still live in Hawkins. Wayne lives in Florida now and stresses the fuck out of Eddie when he refuses to evacuate for hurricanes. Also, Karen divorced Ted and she remarried a wonderful man that loves her and pays attention to her, and supported her when she wanted to go to college.

I take some hard stances on who is together in this, but every other relationship will probably stay vague enough that if disagree, it can ignore it. Definite relationships in the Eddie Munson TikTok Saga: (1) Nancy and Robin are technically married but still refer to each other as their girlfriend or partner, (2) Max and Lucas are married, (3) Jonathan and Argyle are together but not married, (4) Dustin is in an on/off relationship with Suzie that is currently off, and (5) Jeff has a wife and she’s wonderful even though she has never been mentioned.

That leaves Mike, Will, and El up for interpretation (Again).

I pair Mike and Will up as a couple, but I’m honestly not very invested in the relationships of the younger kids (except Max and Lucas) and doubt that I’ll ever explicitly talk about them as a couple in this AU. SO, if you think that Mike and El should be together, I think you can probably interpret any Mike/Will things as them being friends.

Also Erica and Tina are a couple.

#me: I’m not defining this world. everything is going to stay vague #also me: I have opinions about everything #eddie munson tiktok saga #the party

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1moremilgram-enjoyer · 10 months

Text

A Theory on the Kayanos' Murders

CW Violent murder, blood, mention of dismemberment

Hello members of the jury! I'm currently writing a few posts regarding the prisoners' murders and forgiveness and all that, so I decided I would explain my full theory on what the Kayanos' murders are, since while it's nothing out of the norm (I think), my exact interpretation gets a bit specific. And thus, I want to put all the evidence I have for my claims in one post so I don't sound insane when discussing these two.

(Yes despite what my previous posts may imply I actually believe Twokoto now lol. I still think Trikoto is perfectly fine, I just think Twokoto makes a bit more sense currently)

Again, it's nothing too wild; I believe Mikoto killed someone on the side of the road, the trauma from that caused John to be 'born', and then John killed at least two other people because he knew they were causing Mikoto trouble.

Claim 1: John killed people

A big part of this post is going to rely on the windows in Double. In case you're not aware, it's generally agreed that white windows are related to Mikoto while black windows are related to John. It's easy to tell from the first chorus, the start of the second verse, and the second chorus. Mikoto to the left, John to the right.

Additionally, when the windows are white, the train seems to be moving to Mikoto's left to the right (perspective from the first chorus), while when the windows are dark it moves from John's right to his left. This gives the impression that Mikoto and John are sitting across from each other, with Mikoto on the left side of the train and John on the right side. Here, I made a graph to help with the perspective because it is a bit mindfucky.

(Clarification: when I say "Mikoto's perspective" I actually mean our perspective while looking at Mikoto. Same with John. Apologies for the confusion)

Of course, that's assuming they actually are on the same train, going in the same direction, but I don't think that's too wild an assumption to make.

It's important to note this doesn't have anything to do with the window colors, which are exclusively used to differentiate alters, with the exception of the very end where John is seen with white windows long story. Rather, this perspective thing is a surprise tool which will help us later.

Anyways, now that we know the window thing, it's not hard to see how John has killed at least one person.

I mean, yeah. He sure do be killing in that shot. Black windows, so this is John. There's also this:

Although the kill itself has white windows in the background, the train compartment it happens in has dark windows.

Plus there's the whole "I saved you, right?" in the past tense. It can't be referring to John taking the fall for Mikoto's murder (we'll get there), since Mikoto hasn't been saved from that yet. Instead, it sorta has to be about John previously killing people that were stressing Mikoto out. Especially when looking at other lines like:

[Double] You’re overdoing it, you’re already broken But if you persist, I guess it’s my job to keep things on an even keel Me, the other you I’ll take it all on

The use of present tense in "you're overdoing it" implies this is being sung at a time when Mikoto is overworking, and it's now that John will "keep things on an even keel." Combined with him picking up the metal bat here, it seems he's talking about killing to ease Mikoto's issues.

Which, speaking of, I should probably say why John would kill anyone.

Claim 2: John's Motivations

[Neoplasm] Es: Can I ask… why you killed them? John: They annoyed me. Es: Who did you kill? John: Just someone who was walking around nearby. Es: … How many did you kill? John: Can't remember. I was first born back then, you know. It's kinda fuzzy.

Now, these claims aren't the most trust-worthy, but we'll get there when we get there. For now, all we have as a stated motive is "they annoyed [me]" (no pronoun used, it's ambiguous who they actually annoyed) and "to save Mikoto." The good news is that we actually did sorta see a situation where John tried to kill someone, meaning we can get an idea of what his modus operandi is.

I'm referring to the point in John Doe where John attacks Es.

[John Doe] Mikoto: I became a murderer… without even knowing it…? There's no way, no way… Es: Let's give it some time. The threads of your memory might untangle themselves eventually. Mikoto:*Gasping* Es: A murderer without memory of killing… in which case, how should I think of you… Hey, Mikoto– John: AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!

Es does absolutely nothing between the time John starts fronting and when John attacks them. And if you look further, Es doesn't do much else. That means either John has some idea of what was going on before he started fronting, or he can feel Mikoto's resentment even though he isn't the one fronting.

This is where I acknowledge I am not an expert in DID, I'm not a system, and because of that there is a high chance I get stuff wrong, please correct me if I say anything stupid!

Although I unfortunately can't find any better sources for this than some Reddit threads, from what I understand it's possible for one alter to feel the emotions of a different alter who isn't fronting. This means John could have known Mikoto was getting really frustrated with Es, and decided Es had to die for that. However, it's unclear how much John knew about the situation, since he never says anything too specific.

As a result, it's possible John is willing to attack people because he can feel Mikoto hates them, even if he isn't fully sure why Mikoto might be frustrated at them. On the other hand, perhaps John does retain memory of what Mikoto goes through even when Mikoto is fronting. Again, I can't find good sources on how this works, but from what I've seen some systems do have alters which can share memories to an extent. I really hope I'm not saying anything horrendously stupid lol.

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that regardless of how it happens, John's desire to kill his victim(s) comes from Mikoto's frustrations with those people.

[Neoplasm] John: …! … I think… I might be the person Mikoto wishes he was. The person who stubbornly stands his ground, who doesn't cry himself to sleep from stress, who gives people their payback.

The fact he's represented by the Devil card, which is associated with people's darkest desires, supports the idea his actions are an extension of Mikoto's wishes.

This can also be inferred from the "neuron" scene in Double. You know the one, the one that goes "Doesn't matter if you didn't wish for it, can't get rid of me now". I interpret those silver star things to be representative of neurons, and it's animated in the way it is to represent Mikoto's thoughts (the words in blue) reaching John's conscious at the bottom (the red). I hope that makes sense.

So in short, I believe John found out Mikoto was getting bothered by certain people, and that's why he killed them.

Claim 3: Mikoto killed a guy

Alright so now the harder one to prove. Let me add up all the evidence.

Point #1: Mikoto is the Milgram prisoner, not John

This one is pretty straightforward. Since Milgram doesn't gather every single murderer in the world, John not being a prisoner doesn't mean he didn't kill. But the inverse is potentially true; if Mikoto is a prisoner, then he must have killed someone. Unless there's more alters and one of them is the prisoner, this makes some sense.

The counter-argument is that Milgram is very clearly not designed for systems, so it's possible Mikoto is only the prisoner because he's the host and no other reason. Still, it's worth keeping in mind.

Point #2: A murder on light windows

Take a look at this scene from Double.

As you can see, the way this is framed, it looks as if Mikoto is running away from John. Down to the horror movie motifs of "victim running - persecutor walking." This time, the windows on both sides of Mikoto are white, while the windows on both sides of John are black, instead of there being white and black across from each other.

Looking at the scene, which I can't really show you with still images and will need you to confirm yourself, is that John and Mikoto are moving in the same direction as the train. You can tell based on the relative speed of the objects outside. And yet, there's body parts outside of the train, which move from the front to the back. On the white windows. Which represent Mikoto. And there's an entire window between the left of the screen (where for all we know the windows could change) and where the blood appears. Here's a diagram.

So, uh, Mikoto? Who the hell killed that guy? It certainly wasn't John, especially because the body parts are outside. John was the one who got onto the train (see: cigarette), so I would argue a murder outside could imply it was performed by Mikoto, who notably doesn't usually ride trains. Although I'm not sure that reasoning makes sense to anyone but me.

However, the body being outside presents a much bigger issue for Mikoto's innocence. When John swings, and apparently causes something similar to happen, he's inside. We don't see the mannequin he supposedly hits, and God knows how the pieces ended up outside. Not to mention he for some reason swings at where the legs would be, instead of at the head like all the other attacks we see.

My point here is that this murder makes very little sense if John is supposed to have caused it. Because of all that, to me, this represents John taking the fall for Mikoto's one kill. Unlike the other John murders, which show the "victim" and make physical sense, this one doesn't show the victim and has inconsistencies because John didn't do it. The murder was originally in the white windows, and John is scrambling to make it look like it happened on the black windows, even though that doesn't really work as shown by the diagram above.

Am I taking these scenes too literally? Maybe, but even symbolically, what does it mean if blood appears when the windows are white? Surely there's at least a chance it's Mikoto doing this murder.

Point #3: 3rd Anniversary artwork

Let's first establish what the 3rd anniversary art usually represents. It's been pointed out by many before me that these pieces are closely connected to the prisoners' murders. This is clearest with Muu, Amane and Kotoko.

Muu is wearing her school outfit, but she has a shoe off, just like she did when she killed Rei.

Amane is wearing her Magic outfit, but she's holding her thunder wand, which places this image near her murder. Specifically right before her murder, as she's still wearing her black bow tie instead of her cloud medal thing.

Kotoko is holding her Jacques Roulet cap, a hat she usually only uses alongside her blue and yellow jacket. The only exception is during her murder, where she's wearing the outfit we see in the anniversary artwork while the cap rests on the floor.

The others all hold up with this hypothesis. Yuno is wearing her yellow shirt, the one she's wearing in Tear Drop near the end when she lets out a tear, presumably representative of her murder. Fuuta is wearing the hoodie and mask he wears throughout Bring it On, and he's holding his phone, which does fit doxxing Killcheroy even though it's more generic. Kazui and Mahiru are wearing the outfits they wear in the scenes of their respective lovers' death. Haruka wears his Weakness plain white outfit, which could point to any moment of his narrative, including the murder. And the only times we see Shidou physically kill (cutting off flowers), he's wearing the floral jacket he wears in the artwork.

I want to be clear. For most of them, the relation to the murder could just be because they don't have many outfits in their MVs. However, Muu's, Amane's and Kotoko's feel extremely intentional, and the fact none of the other ones contradict this trend makes it feel like it could be universal.

Which gets us to Mikoto's artwork. And in his artwork, he's holding (what looks to be) a vape pen. John smokes cigarettes, so that's definitely Mikoto. In the murder artwork. So, uh. Yeah. That certainly feels like he must have killed at least one person.

The only small contradiction is that his beanie is nowhere to be found, which is why I don't consider this definitive. However, the fact they specifically chose to make Mikoto hold a vape pen when every other prisoner can easily be connected to the murder feels... intentional.

Point #4: Swing and a hit

More Double screenshots.

So a few weird things. For starters, let's get something straight: there's two murders depicted here. Notice how the first image shows a Kayano swinging with a right-handed swing, then the second shows John (black windows) doing a left-handed swing. The important thing isn't the type of swing, but the fact they're different.

(I know I made some posts at one point about dominant hands, but as my beloved and extremely smart mutual accirax pointed out a lot of the time Milgram characters switch hands because it looks better for the animation, so they're sorta ambidextrous by default lol)

It's not hard to realize if you try to follow the motion yourself. The only way this works is if he swings one way, then the other, which doesn't fit the fact all mannequins are usually destroyed after just one hit. And it's not like it's an animation issue: you can literally fix this by flipping the image.

... Okay it does look a bit awkward but I think it works well enough. It's less weird than the swing changing mid-way through.

To me, this is similar to what I talked about before with the white window murder. John's subconscious trying to convince itself this was John by thinking back to a different murder that has nothing to do with this one. I have no idea if that makes sense.

And then there's the fact the background in the first image is pure white. This doesn't have to mean the one fronting is Mikoto, but why leave it ambiguous if it would have worked perfectly fine with black windows in the background?

Hell, actually, who says we're on the train? This is the only scene in the entirety of Double (apart from the mom phone call) where it's unclear whether we're on the train or not. And as we established, if there is a murder outside the train, it would probably be Mikoto murdering.

And don't get me started on the blood, the eye, and the noise in the background.

First, the background noise in this scene famously has baby crying noises. Could it be we're witnessing John's "birth"? Because if that's the case, then either John was born during the phone call with the mother, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense if you think about it, or John was born during or after the murder on screen.

This actually fits with the close-up of the eye. Despite the fact that "right-hand swing Kayano" seems pretty chill as he attacks the mannequin, right as the scene end, his pupils become smaller as if he's surprised by something. But what would he be surprised about? To me, it feels like "right-hand swing Kayano" was perhaps dissociating (I think that's the right term, please correct me if I'm wrong), and then John is born. Naturally, John gets surprised by the fact the first thing he sees is a dead person, explaining the odd reaction.

Funnily enough, this is actually supported by the very strange blood behavior. It's hard to describe, so bear with me. You see how there's one big orb at the center of the screen? And it starts with one small drop, which enters the orb, and then three small droplets come out the other side? Uh... Diagram?

This isn't normal blood behavior, of course (<- not that I know what normal blood behavior actually is, but I know how liquids work and this ain't it). It's imagery of something splitting, which in the context of alters, fits alongside the baby noises and the weird reaction to murder. Although I fully acknowledge the blood thing falls into the territory of "am I reading too much into this or is Milgram just insane?", so you know. Take it with a few metric tons of salt.

(Funnily enough, it does split into three things. Trikoto win? It doesn't convince me, but the interpretation is valid)

To recap, we have a strange murder with a white background, possible misdirection by showing a completely unrelated murder performed by John, baby noises, imagery of something splitting, and a reaction to the murder which could support an alter being born in that very moment. All of this could imply this "right-hand swing murder" is the moment John is born, which would mean the actual murderer is Mikoto.

Point #5: The tarot spreads in MeMe

This one is very abstract, but it can definitely point to Mikoto murdering someone. Take a look at the two different spreads we see in the first chorus (the first one flashes twice but it's the same).

These things are really complicated, and I should probably do a post about them at some point, but I'm gonna focus on the main things, that being the changes between the two spreads.

For starters, we see that the "querent" card, the one in the middle of The Wheel, is the reversed Hanged Man. Since this is the portrait besides The Fool in the water world thing, it can be assumed the reversed Hanged Man represents Mikoto. Thus, these are his spreads.

Then, the Outcome card of the first spread is the Devil. Since the Devil card on its own also flashes after the second spread, it can be assumed the Devil is also the Outcome of the second spread, as that's the only card which is not visible. Then, as stated before, the Devil card is related to John. This means the Outcome of the situation depicted in these spreads is John. In other words, this is the situation which led to John appearing.

Now we have to establish how we're supposed to read these things. I've explained it in another post, but basically, the only way we can tell how we're supposed to read the cards in The Wheel is by knowing the order they're drawn, so we can determine if the meaning is based on position or draw order (long story). We can do this by looking at the final spread, where it appears the cards are drawn Bottom->Right->Left->Top. This doesn't exactly fit any common way of drawing them, so we read based on position. Aditionally, since this is Japanese media and the card to the right is drawn before the card on the left, middle row of The Wheel is Future<-Present<;-Past. And based on the way the upright Page of Pentacles is placed in the final spread, if the name of the card is to the left the horizontal card is upright, if not it's reversed. If that doesn't make any sense to you, don't worry too much about it, I'll walk you through the important parts. You want a diagram? No? Well, you're gonna get one so-

After clarifying that, we can see that in these two spreads, while most of everything remains consistent, the Future and the Conscious change, the Challenge flips, and the Attitude is revealed. Let's take it one step at a time.

Let's start with the first spread. In the Challenge position (horizontal middle), we have the upright Queen of Swords. This card can represent anything you want tarot reading is so annoying a couple of things, including an authority figure. In the Challenge position, it could indicate there is a lack of communication, that the querent is being too "cold", in the sense they're not expressing their emotions correctly.

Then, in the Conscious position, the thing Mikoto is actively working towards, we have the Ace of Cups. This card can represent new beginnings, new relationships, good fortune, basically "good new things are coming your way." However, there is a slight change between MeMe's Ace of Cups and the IRL version, which could change the meaning a bit.

(No I don't know why MeMe calls it "Cup of Ace" that's just wrong lol)

As you can see, the IRL version has the water from the cup spilling on its own, while the MeMe version has the cup being intentionally spilt on top of a few mannequins. What I think this could mean: if you take the water spilling as a good thing (which is how it's usually interpreted, the idea is that spirituality is overflowing or something like that), the IRL version shows that new good things are coming no matter what, while the MeMe version has the water spilling intentionally because Mikoto is actively trying to cause new, good developments, such as new relationships (we'll get there). That's also why it's in the Conscious position, Mikoto is consciously trying to build a good new relationship.

After that, in the Future position, we have the reversed Wheel of Fortune. This can mean a lot of things, but it mainly has to do with a negative cycle in someone's life. In the Future position, then, this could mean a perpetuation of a negative cycle in Mikoto's life. Thus, in the first spread, if things continue as they are in that moment, the cycle of abuse Mikoto suffers at work will continue.

The Attitude card is obscured. I should note that this card can actually be read in a few different ways, but I think "Attitude" fits best here.

I'll also note the Subconscious card at the bottom of the Wheel ("so below") is the reversed Ten of Wands, which can represent Mikoto is feeling overburdened. Which we know certainly applies to his work.

Let's see here. Mikoto has a problem, possibly with someone in a position of authority, and feels overburdened. This could point to the Queen of Swords being a boss or a manager or something like that. It's upright because Mikoto isn't being direct enough in his desires; he's trying to 'play nice' and build up his relationship with the "Queen", that's what the Ace of Cups could represent. Not like I think his situation would actually improve if he told this "Queen" that he felt overworked, but still, the idea that Mikoto is bottling up his emotions definitely fits what we see of him. If he keeps it up, the cycle of (workplace) abuse will continue, represented by the reversed Wheel of Fortune. This would lead to Mikoto's darkest desires exploding; the Devil is the Outcome.

Let's move to the second spread. The Challenge is still the Queen of Swords, but reversed. This could imply the person giving Mikoto problems is still the same, but now the issue is that Mikoto is being too emotional. Again, there are a lot of ways to read these things, but I think that works.

The Conscious card is now the reversed Wheel of Fortune, which could mean Mikoto is actively aware of and possibly trying to break the negative cycle he's in.

The Future is now the Ace of Cups, which could imply there is a new relationship in Mikoto's future. This is where we acknowledge that the water can also represent consciousness, and in the MeMe version, it is being spilt over mannequins. And...

*sigh* The Ace of Cups can be associated with pregnancy, which fits the whole "newborn" thing John's got going on.

Indeed, I believe the new relationship in Mikoto's future is John, a "mannequin" receiving "consciousness." There is no other thing this could really allude to besides Milgram, which I don't think these spreads reference. However, if this really is about John, that would mean this spread is showing a situation before John's birth.

The Attitude card, which (according to most sources, there are conflicting reports on what the first card of The Wand is) represents how the querent is trying to achieve their Conscious goal, is the reversed King of Cups. This is most often associated with emotional repression, but it can also be connected to violence. Which is very interesting, because John has the same Attitude card in his spread. And we know how he approaches his issues (violence).

So all in all, Mikoto is having issues with an authority figure, and he's (possibly) being emotional about it. He's trying to break out of a negative cycle, and he's doing this either by repressing his emotions or by pulling a John (violence). In the future, this will lead to John's birth, which is why the Outcome is still implied to be the Devil.

This, by itself, doesn't necessarily imply murder. Again, the Attitude could be emotional repression and not violence. The weird thing is that the spread changed. And that means something had to happen to get the Future to change. The change can't have been John being born; that's still in the Future. And the thing we know happened is that the Conscious goal Mikoto was working towards changed, from wanting a prosperous new beginning or relationship to destroying an existing cycle.

Because of that, to me, it feels like the change between the first spread and the second is that Mikoto decided to let his emotions take over (reversing the Queen of Swords) and killed (reversed King of Cups) the authority figure who was causing him trouble, and this caused John to be born.

The final thing to note is that John's Past card is the Wheel of Fortune (upright). This could be read to mean the situation leading up to John's current situation is the destruction of a cycle, which fits the idea that Mikoto tried to destroy it before John was born.

Is this definitive evidence? Hell no! Tarot readings are so ambiguous that I'm pretty sure you can read these to mean whatever the hell you want them to mean. This is just my take on it, I don't even necessarily consider it good evidence because again, if you just take different meanings from the cards you can get whatever. But it's still something.

Point #6: John's insistence

Let's see what John says about the murders again.

So, as stated, John may have killed people without fully knowing why Mikoto was angry at them, but that doesn't mean this makes perfect sense. We know their victims weren't just "someone who was walking around nearby". Unless Mikoto regularly carries around a metal baseball bat for some god-forsaken reason, there must have been some kind of premeditation at play. John has to at least be hiding the real reasons for the murders, possibly because Mikoto might consider them shameful (more on that in a bit). This opens the door to the possibility he's hiding more than just that, and that makes a lot of his other claims seem a bit... desperate.

[Neoplasm] John: From [Mikoto's] point of view, he's being blamed for a crime he can't even remember. Es: If that's the truth, then… you're the one who committed the murder? John: Yeah, it's me. I killed them off. Es: … John: So Mikoto really didn't do it. Es: Is this really something that works that conveniently? John: Just put yourself in Mikoto's shoes for a moment! He was bottling up all his stress! He kept dealing with it all by himself the whole time, until it exploded! It's not like he just decided that he wanted to hurt somebody! Es: … John: He's not the type of person who could do stuff like that! He always looks out for others, always reads the room, always tries to get along with people around him! He can't do stuff like that… He was on the verge of exploding! That's why I was born. It's terrible, isn't it? My other self didn't do anything! Es: Even if that's true… Even if it wasn't what Mikoto wanted – someone's life was still lost. [...] John: I'm the one who did it! Mikoto didn't do it! You know that because of MILGRAM! I don't care about the law, I want to know what you think! Es: … John: Please… forgive Mikoto. I'm the one who did it.

The amount of times John tries to take the fall for every single murder is so insane it makes it sound suspicious. Why does he say it so much?

Still, I'll be honest, this might just be confirmation bias, as a lot of these lines can still absolutely be read with the interpretation that John is the only killer.

John: If I, the "John" personality, hadn't been born, I'm sure Mikoto would have reached his limit and fallen apart. Es: John… you… John: It's true that I was the one who wanted to destroy everything… and the weakness of Mikoto, who couldn't stand up for himself all alone, might have been the origin of that. But… that's all there is to it. Is that a sin?

So I don't consider this evidence at all, frankly. In fact, Neoplasm is one of the things which make me doubt the Mikoto-killer theory a bit, but I don't think it outright deconfirms it or anything. I'm just including this because I know some people think he's extremely suspicious here.

Point #7: Small visual stuff

1- The first time we see victims in Double, John's bat doesn't have any blood on it, which could imply the one who killed the mannequin(s) beside him was Mikoto.

2- The mannequin standing in for Death in the Death card is blue, a color most associated with Mikoto.

This one isn't great because you can read it more symbolically, with Mikoto being the main force of change in the system's life instead of someone who brings death. Though I'd argue the mace thing sort of implies something more violent.

3- At the start of Double, we see this:

The guy is shown as a blue and red mannequin, but what's interesting is that the blue part has a skull and the red part has a map thing. I don't consider this very important, but the blue with the skull could be indication of Mikoto having killed someone.

4- In Double, Mikoto is represented by antlers (I think that's what they are) in the same way John is represented by a crown of thorns ("savior", etc).

Antlers mainly represent strength, which feels a bit weird for Mikoto. I'm gonna be honest, I'm not confident on what these represent. But one possible interpretation comes from the fact they are always paired with the lyric (written on screen) "All I did was dream, so you find me INNOCENT, it’s that simple right?". The connection of the antlers with Mikoto's dream could imply Mikoto tried to use strength to fulfill a dream, which could imply he murdered someone to achieve something. Additionally...

*sigh* Antlers fall off after mating season, which could be connected to Mikoto "losing his antlers" after John is born, since Mikoto doesn't have to kill anymore.

I'm sure there are other interpretations, but I don't think this one is too bad.

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So, all of this, is it conclusive evidence of anything? I wouldn't say so, it's all still pretty vague. However, I believe all of it together points to Mikoto having killed one person, and this is what explains all this in the best way. Thus, I presume Mikoto did kill someone.

Claim #4: Mikoto's Motivations

CW for this section: potential stalking

I've sorta alluded to it in the tarot section, but I believe Mikoto killed someone in a position of authority over him as a result of workplace abuse. In particular, Mikoto was heavily overworked, possibly to the point this authority figure was somehow monitoring his home life and possibly even stalking him.

Let's start by the workplace abuse thing. This is an extremely important point in Mikoto's narrative; it's referenced in his Undercover silhouette shot, it's shown in the messages from "Chief" at the start of Double, the neuron scene from Double, his interrogation questions, etc. Mikoto is being overworked, to the point his boss/manager/whatever talks to him about work past midnight. It would be very strange, narratively speaking, if all of this didn't have anything to do with the murder. Also the whole "Queen of Swords is the Challenge/problem" could allude to an authority figure, which also fits this idea.

So then, what about the monitoring/stalking? Well, there's a lot of camera imagery in MeMe, for one. Most notably in the scene when Mikoto comes home and leaves his bag to the side as he breaks down, relating his stress to the idea of being watched. There's also an abundance of eye imagery in Double, especially in relation to Mikoto. This is also included in the MVs version of the Hanged Man card, which has a bunch of eyes around the mannequin. This alludes to some form of judgement or pressure, (<- Fuuta reference?) which could be connected to either societal pressure or, what I find a bit more likely, the judgement of Mikoto's higher-up(s) in his workplace.

Because of this, I believe one of Mikoto's higher-ups was heavily monitoring Mikoto's life even outside of work, which drove him to the point he felt he had to get rid of them. All he did was dream... of a better life.

This could also be why John hides the reasons for the murders. Even if he is actually aware of the full situation, he could be trying to hide that Mikoto felt tired from work, because in a way it's possible Mikoto would consider that shameful. I hope that makes sense.

Claim #5: Which is Mikoto's kill?

Assuming Mikoto only killed one person before John started taking over murder duties-

(I think that's a fair assumption, I think it would be weird if John only split after like three murders. Like, oh the first two weren't stressful enough to cause a split, but the third one is too much? What? There's something else that makes me think John split after just the first one, we'll get there)

-that begs the question: which one was Mikoto's? Well, since Double isn't exactly reliable for what the murders looked like, I'll only take MeMe's versions into account. There are at least three murders in MeMe: the Subway Murder, the Streetside Murder, and the Trash Bag Murder.

We know the Trash Bag Murder is different from the other two because the murderer isn't wearing a hoodie in that one, a fact which took me an embarrassing amount of time to notice. Unless he went home, changed, went back to dispose of evidence and still had the beanie for some reason (since he throws it away), it has to be different. And probably on a different day, too. Because of that, I'll henceforth call it the No Hoodie Murder.

Let's run through what we have. We see the Subway murder almost in full at the beginning of MeMe, where Kayano swings around his bat flippantly before killing a blonde dude with a simple overhead swing. However, right in the middle of that scene, we quickly cut to the Streetside murder, where we see Kayano hitting the victim with a right-handed swing.

After that we have a scene of John (because at this point it would be John) coming home and taking off his shirt. Since there is a Fool card portrait in the background, I'll call this the Fool Portrait scene. Notably, we never see John take off a hoodie or a beanie, meaning this is probably related to the No Hoodie Murder.

Then we have Kayano doing... something to the Streetside victim. It's unclear exactly what that is; I've seen some people say he's burying the victim, but to me that always looked like he's dismembering them to put them in trash bags. It's not too important, though.

An important fact is that in this scene we see his left cheek is blood-stained. This is consistent with the following bath scene, where we see John brushing his teeth with blood trailing down from his left cheek.

In the middle of those scenes, we see the clean-up for the No Hoodie murder. Trash bags and the beanie are disposed of in an illegal dumping ground.

Finally there's the bathtub scene, but frankly it's not very relevant to this discussion.

So, which one is Mikoto's? I'll start by ruling out the No Hoodie murder. There is an argument for it, though. It's definitely the most hidden of the murders, which makes it suspicious. Since the Fool represents new beginnings, you could argue the Fool Portrait scene shows John's "beginning". And since I said it's probably related to this murder, you could argue that means the No Hoodie murder is the first one.

However, that doesn't really convince me. Unless the Kayanos have multiple beanies (which is possible, but I'd find it weird narratively speaking), this would have to be the last murder in the sequence, while Mikoto's would have to be the first. The fact it was done without a hoodie also contradicts the 3rd Anniversary artwork reasoning, since Mikoto wears a hoodie there, but to be fair the lack of beanie makes the outfit somewhat inconsistent anyways.

Meanwhile, you could argue there's a symbolic implication that John and Mikoto have already split by the time the Subway murder happens, in the way the towers close and behind Kayano have lighting split down the middle between red and blue light.

(Yes this is one of the reasons I'm keeping the red and blue color scheme despite no longer believing RGBkoto)

No, I believe the Streetside murder is Mikoto's. It's technically the first one we see, but more importantly, the location matches Mikoto's prisoner card image, and the swing fits the Undercover kill-shot.

Since Mikoto is the Milgram prisoner, these two things would probably be related to his murder, not Johns'.

Funnily enough, you can also argue that this murder is too expressionless for John. Which sounds odd, considering John is usually the less expressive of the two, but funnily enough, the only times we see John express emotion is when he goes to do a violence, either because he's frustrated at the person who hurt Mikoto or because he's happy to protect him.

[John Doe] John: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!! Es: *Gasp* John: YOU KEEP BLABBERING ON AND ON... I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! *John continues to beat Es* John: GOING ON, AND ON, AND ON... ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY... LIKE YOU AREN'T JUST A KID! SERVES YOU FUCKING RIGHT! Es: …emember… John: HUH-!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! YOU'RE NO MORE THAN JUST A KID. YOU UNIMPORTANT BRAT! Es: .........I'll remember you… you murderer…! John: HUH?! *Laughter* YOU PREFER IT WHEN IT HURTS MORE, HUH? Es: ......! John: THAT'S FINE... I'LL CRUSH YOUR FUCKING FACE. Es: Go ahead… and try… John: YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME TWICE! *Screams* [...] Kotoko: His technique is definitely that of an amateur… John: SHUDDUP!!! Kotoko: ...! *Sighs* I can't imagine that power from his muscle mass. John: ANNOYING... YOU'RE ANNOYING...! ARGH...!

This even fits the lackadaisical twirling of the bat in the Subway murder. It's one of the reasons I believe that one's John's.

Meanwhile, the one time we see a Kayano swing a bat without emotion on his face is the right-hand swing in Double, which as we established is probably Mikoto. Thus, the idea that John shows more expression than Mikoto when it comes to murdering holds up. The punch at the end of MeMe doesn't count because that's John attacking Mikoto, which is only metaphorical.

Still, this isn't exactly great evidence of anything, since John is still usually less expressive than Mikoto in general.

Anyways, which murder is Mikoto's isn't too important anyways, this section was more to satisfy curiosity than anything else.

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And that's it! Again, this is just my interpretation and theories, it's perfectly fine if you believe something else. I know it isn't anything new, but I wanted to put it all in one place so I can reference back to it if, say, I'm answering an ask about whether or not I forgive the prisoners' murders (I swear I'm working on it lol). Anyways, take care!

#milgram #mikoto kayano #john kayano #milgram theory #meme mv #double mv

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