#anyways (rolls back into selfship account again)

[elegyofthemoon]

i know that i applied for the leave of absence from my school a long while ago but,,, today i officially sent an email saying that i'm actually withdrawing now

i'm really glad i did wind up taking that time away from the school to figure myself out. it gave me a lot of time to reassess and get back in tune with myself and what i truly want rather than do things out of obligation towards others

even if i am a little exhausted that technically now i'm striving towards two dreams and working towards both at the same time, it's still nice to be like 'oh this is way more like me!' and feel at least a little happier with it :>

so! i'm much happier now at least. and at least for one of those dreams i can see so much progress for someone who only started to pick it back up in may. i'm really excited to share more of it but for now it's just the waiting game :]

[yourfaveisyanderematic]

Hi! Just wanted to drop by to ask what the writing process is like for you? What kind of facet of the story do you focus on the most? What motivates you to write diamond-level-sexy writing? And how long have you been polishing your writing to the point that it's this emotionally riveting and interesting? From a nonnie who adores your blog. In all-caps.

Oooh boy!  This is a fun question, because it’s a complicated one!  (Wow, who knew I’d be at a point where someone thought I was qualified to answer this question?)

Under a cut because wow this is gonna get long.

I struggle with ADHD and executive dysfunction; of the time I spend ‘writing’ a prompt, maybe 90% of it (hours or days, in one case well over a week) is rolling the idea around in my head until I come up with an idea or angle I think would be really interesting or exciting to write about.  Once I have the outline/idea in my head, I sit down for a couple of hours and bang it out, proofread it for typos, then post it.  Second draft who?  Editing what?  Don’t know her, bitch!

The first couple of ideas that immediately come to mind are usually rejected outright.  For example: “Cioccolata falls for a mafia member who doesn’t know who he is”.  Simply having him do kidnapping and then nonconsensual surgery is scary, sure, but it’s also too easy.  (I also…basically did that for my first Ciocco request but hey.  Hey.  Shush, you.)

To clarify: there’s nothing wrong with doing ‘easy’ prompts.  Execution is always, always, always more important than the idea you write, and can elevate a simple concept or hamstring a great one.  But I personally rejected this first option because it felt too stereotypical to pick for this character; what about Cioccolata sets him apart from every Evil Doctor™ ever?  What scenes was he in that made my gut twist with fear?  For this fic, I decided it was the psychological aspect of someone experienced with driving others to suicide/self-harm.  In a previous request, I was fascinated by an online description of an experience with a drug.  Essentially, I picked a ‘centerpiece moment’ of the request and started to build around it.

This next part is going to vary for everyone, and you kind of get a feel for it if you read a lot or watch a lot of media.  Basically, you gotta know what’s important and how to pace things.  In the original outline, I was going to have the prompt take up two “therapy” scenes, where another mafia member makes an offhand remark about suggesting you see a therapist and Ciocco using that as his in, and set up him ‘collecting’ information about you for the second half.  I cut this because I realized it was unnecessary.  There was nothing about those scenes that justified their word count, so I took note of what I wanted from them and folded it into the rest.  

Once I knew what to write and how, I just sort of…did it?  The most important things to me personally are an attention-grabbing opening line, and a snappy finisher, bc it forces me to start the story at what’s important.  When I edit work for friends I get a lot of “ugh I know this is bad, but I just had to set everything up to get to the good part”….don’t do that.  Don’t do that!  Start the story where the story starts, and it’ll all go from there.  You just gotta, you just gotta trust your gut on this.  The gut that will develop a sense for what’s good or bad based on all that reading I KNOW you’re doing, because I told you to read a lot.  If you don’t like it, it’s probably for a reason.  If dialogue isn’t sounding right to you, read it out loud to yourself and see where you stumble, then restructure the sentence.  If you’re writing about something you’re unfamiliar with/too familiar with, go look at some pictures or read some accounts so you’ve got the pertinent information captured.  If you’re writing along and wonder “hmm…but WOULD DDR exist in an arcade in 1989?” then get distracted for three hours researching it and six other tangential factoids that won’t ever be important in the work, JUST IN CASE.

Actually, hang on, don’t do that last bit.  Nobody notices.  

Anyway, that’s my writing process.  Touching on what you asked about “how long” I’ve been “polishing” my work…not very!  I’ve “written” since I was an awkward preteen selfshipping with Naruto characters, but I took a loooooOOOOONG break from writing proper, narrative fiction for literal years.  Depression will do that to you.  What got me back into it was running DnD and WOD games, where I developed greater flexibility with working with characters and improvisational storytelling.  The instant feedback from players also helped me zero in on what was important and what was ‘fun’.  Eventually, I got frustrated with the fact that none of my storytelling existed outside of game sessions, and started seriously working on individual, written work again.  By which I mean I tried NANOWRIMO for the first time in a decade, made it to 20k words and then stopped to regroup because my project was, surprise surprise, not up to my standards.

When I’m reading, I tend to make notes on what I like and don’t like about a piece.  If something is jarring or irritating, I make sure to avoid it in my own work.  If I like something, I try to zero in on just what it is that gripped me and then emulate it.

This last bit’s gotta stay between us, but the reason I fixate on horror, and why I put so much into these stories, is because I am someone who is afraid of other people.  My primary motivation for these stories is to express even a small fraction of the fear in my heart.  If it’s on paper and separated from me, in a form that others can experience, it becomes a source of entertainment, and I can live with myself again.  Things just happen to get horny sometimes because let’s be real here I Am A Sub, but 90% of what I write is literally me telling the world how I live (but like, allegorically, so nobody calls me out on it or worries about me too much).

The other 10% is just my hatred of the government.

[pizzasteveofficial]

Snuff Porn (pt. 1)

Author’s Note: I’m on a roll with the sins so I’ll post them here again. I’m hoping to get my AO3 account soon so I can start putting them on there so they’re easier to find instead of trying to sift through my mess of a blog. I ~would~ recommend my first 2 stories How The Tables Have Turned and You Can’t Escape Me That Easy for some back story and more delicious gore and smuts but like I said, I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life. Always happy when people pay attention to me and my work. Anyways, enjoy my selfship drabbles feat. Nac and Strade per usual. No smuts in this part though. Part 2 is deliciously gory and Part 3 is deliciously smutty!

WARNINGS: Kidnapping, Violence Mention, Misogyny/Chauvinism (from guy at the bar), Actually this chapter isn’t as bad and isn’t as NSFW as the other ones

It has been two months since Nac had been “dating” Strade to put it in the best terms. Their relationship, however, was far from a normal relationship. Their “courtship” consisted of Strade kidnapping Nac usually at random times at night to bring her to his house or he’d just break into her apartment at night. While together, they had a lot of sex that was kinky and violent in nature. Strade tried his best to keep any violence to parts of her body that wouldn't be visible to others when she was out and about, but he gets carried away sometimes so she'd have a cut here and there or a bruise that she’d have to chalk up to her being clumsy at her job.

Although his methods were unconventional, creepy, and sometimes annoying and inconvenient, Nac did enjoy this secret relationship and was glad to have the title of “Strade’s pet”. The sex was amazing, he had a lot of money so he bought her all kinds of gifts, he knew how to cook, and kept her well fed. Those pros definitely outweighed the con of him “visiting” or kidnapping her randomly.

However, it has been a week since she’s seen Strade, and she started to wonder if he had moved on and found a new “pet” that he could actually keep in his home full time. This thought depressed her for all the hours she was awake.

One afternoon she wrapped up the projects at her place of employment before leaving to walk to her car. As she was walking, a familiar expensive looking car rolled up next to her. She smiled, the depressing thought of him finding a new pet being shattered immediately. She quickly took her smile away to face the car with the best annoyed look she could conjure up onto her face.

The car window rolled down and she saw Strade sitting in the driver's seat wearing all black and a pair of sunglasses. “Buddy!” he greeted her.

“You're going to kidnap me in broad daylight?” She shook her head. “Is that really a good idea.”

“Mmm actually,” the German man patted the passenger seat next to him. “I was hoping you’d actually come in without a fight this time.”

The dark haired girl was absolutely shocked by what he was saying. “For real?” She asked in disbelief.

“C’mon, Buddy, just get in the car I don't want to have to make you.” He grinned darkly.

Nac rolled her eyes. “Alright hang on let me just grab my purse from my car and I'll be right in.”

She quickly went to her car to grab her purse before jogging back to Strade’s car. She opened the door and got in. After she got in, he immediately took off.

“So what's with the change in your method of picking me up?” She asked, putting her keys in her purse before setting it down in front of her.

“I was actually hoping to talk to you about something, and we can't talk if you're unconscious.” He told her.

Talk? Strade, talk? This was definitely really odd, as he’s more of a do first ask later kind of guy.

Nac shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “D-Did I do something wrong?”

Strade giggled and used one hand to cup her cheek, keeping the other hand on the wheel. “Oh buddy, of course not! What could my precious pet ever do wrong?”

Nac let out a sigh of relief, even if she was still kind of suspicious as to why Strade just wants to talk and not be crazy for once.

“I figured there are a few things you need to know and I was hoping you could assist me in some endeavors.” He explained, putting the hand that was once cupping Nac’s cheek down by his side.

Nac nodded. “Alright, I'm all ears!”

“I need your eyes and your mouth too, so don't be all ears.” He giggled at his own joke.

Nac tried to stifle a giggle and give him an annoyed look, but his expression and his goofy jokes were too much for her.

“I love how you try so hard to act too good for anything, but you can't resist my charms, mein liebling.” He gave her a pat on the head.

Nac gave the best pout of defiance she could make. “I-I…” she stammered before sighing. “Alright, alright. What do you need to tell me?”

“I'm not really a mechanic.” He told her.

“Wow. Great. So interesting.” Nac said sarcastically.

He shot her an unamused look before bringing his eyes back to the road. “Do you know how I make all this money then?”

Nac shrugged. “I don't ask those questions of you. I figured if you let me do whatever I want and spare killing me despite the fact I tied you up and put a shock collar on you as well as let one of your very beloved pets go free, I should just be appreciative and grateful for that.”

Strade made a disappointed pout. “Oh, buddy. You think that little of me? I'm offended!”

Nac tried to backpedal her statement. The last thing she wanted to do was offend Strade. “Well it's not like I'm not interested! I just didn't want to bother you! I should be happy that I'm alive and that I'm your free ranged pet, because it is a huge honor.”

Strade gave her a wide grin as he pulled into the driveway of his house. “Oh buddy!” He stroked her chin. “How long have you been my pet? Don't be so shy!”

She blushed as he stroked her chin. He parked the car before shutting it off. “I know how you like pizza, so I got you some pizza,” he told her before exiting the car. He shut the door and walked around to the passenger side to let Nac out, considering the passenger side still purposely doesn't have a handle on the inside. “We can finish our conversation inside.” He helped her out of the car.

Nac took in the sight of his house before her. She remembers seeing it that time she escaped from him upon their first meeting, but she wasn't paying too much attention then. This is the first time she's actually seen the outside of his house, normally he kidnaps her and she just wakes up inside chained to the couch or the bed. It was a very nice house, absolutely something she’d never be able to afford on her own. He definitely had a lot of money even if the house wasn't the most fancy thing money could buy.

They went inside where, as he said, he had ordered her a pizza and it was sitting on the living room coffee table. Nac squealed excitedly as she hurried over to the couch to sit down. As she did she opened the pizza box rather aggressively and immediately took a slice to eat.

Strade laughed. “You're too cute!” He sat down next to her and picked up a slice from the box. “So, how do you think I make my money?”

Nac shrugged with a mouthful of pizza. “I don't know” she confessed.

“Well,” he started casually, taking a bite of his slice of pizza. “I run a popular snuff website on the deep web where people choose the tools I use and I kill people for them using the tools they choose.” He explained this very nonchalantly, like as if it was completely normal to kill people on film.

Nac stopped chewing for a minute to look at him in shock. “Uh…” she swallowed whatever was in her mouth.

“What?” Strade gave her a devilish grin.

“It still stands you're a psycho, and I shouldn't be surprised, but damn.” Nac shook her head before taking another bite of pizza.

Strade laughed. “Why damn? Does it disgust you?

Nac shrugged. “I mean a little, but as long as I'm not the one being killed I don't care.”

Strade stroked her hair. “That's a shame that it disgusts you, I was hoping you would help me out in tonight's live stream.”

Nac gave him another look of pure shock. “W-What?”

“Yeah,” he began. “You could pick the victim from the bar and help me kidnap them, then you could help me torture them and kill them! And then, since this is a special live stream, the viewers will choose the special bonus surprise at the end!”

Nac shifted uncomfortably. “Uh, what's the special bonus surprise?” She looked kind of terrified. Was he actually going to kill her?

“It's sexual in nature, I think you'll enjoy it.” He gave her a wink.

Strade was nuts, so this could really mean anything. She thought about it for a bit. The worst that could happen is that he kills her, which would suck but that means no more working and debt. However, Strade has been pretty good to her so far despite being an absolute maniac. He's especially great to her in sex, as every time they go at it she's filled to the brim with the absolute best concoction of pain and pleasure she only ever could have imagined prior to meeting him.

“Well?” Strade asked her, continuing to stroke her hair.

Nac thought for another moment before nodding. “Alright, I'm in. You've been good to me so far I'm sure this will be a fun experience for us!”

Strade had a big giddy grin on his face. “Excellent! This will be fun for everyone!” he started before thinking for a second. “Mmm, maybe everyone except the poor bastard we torture and kill on camera.”

Nac giggled, even if she had a strange feeling in her gut. Not that she was in danger, but rather, she's never actually killed someone before. She normally feels bad for people and doesn't like to see them die unless she feels they absolutely deserve it.

“So, what kind of victim were you thinking of finding?” Strade asked. “Male? Female? Quiet? Loud?”

“Maybe an annoying male, preferably a misogynist.” She told him.

“You sure love slinging that word around!” Strade giggled.

“Because it's true!” Nac retorted.

“Alright, alright,” he shook his head before showing her a flyer for a bar. “I usually like small bars that are pretty quiet, but I know this place gets pretty rowdy and loud for a small bar. It's easy to distract someone and get them alone to where we can just take them.”

Nac read the flyer and nodded. “Alright. So what's the plan?”

“You're going to go in and find the guy you want to kill, then you're going to seduce him into leaving the bar with you, and then we're going to take him away!” He told her with a big smile.

“Alright, sounds like a plan!” She told him, holding her hand up for a high five, which he quickly reciprocated.

----------------------------

Strade had dropped her off in front of the bar and went to go park somewhere inconspicuous. Nac wore a plain black t-shirt, black jeans, dark makeup, and boots. She entered the bar, which was actually very noisy. There were a lot of guys in the bar, loudly cracking jokes and laughing with their friends. Rock music played loudly in the background.

She sat down at the bar and continued scoping out the potential victims hanging out in the bar. The bartender came over to take her drink order, but she only asked for a water. The bartender promptly got her water before going off to tend to the next person.

As Nac continued to observe, she was suddenly interrupted by a man’s voice.

“Hey there sexy. What you doin’ just sipping water?” The man asked.

Nac turned to face him and saw that he was a young man around her age with dark hair. He wore a t-shirt with a very old tv show printed on it and cargo shorts. He had a trilby placed atop his head. Nac grinned at the sight of him, because just from looking at him she could tell that she wanted to help Strade kill him.

“My name is Brian. M’lady, may I get you a drink?” He asked her.

Nac nodded and motioned for him to sit down next to her. “Absolutely! I'll have a pineapple margarita!” She told him, making it a point to order the most expensive drink on the menu.

“Oh, but of course!” Brian nodded sitting down. He obnoxiously snapped his fingers for the bartender, who dutifully came over. “A whiskey on the rocks for me and a pineapple margarita for the lady!”

Nac smiled, appreciative that Strade fed her pretty good before she came to the bar. The extra food in her belly would help absorb the alcohol so that she didn't get too drunk to perform her duty of kidnapping this guy.

“I like your shirt, Brian!” Nac told him, even though she had no idea what it was.

“Thank you, but I doubt you even know what this is.” He said snobbishly.

“I don't, I'm sorry. I just like the art style.” She answered honestly.

“Ah, that's ok, I will educate you m’lady!” He reassured her almost condescendingly before going off on a tangent about the shitty show on his shirt.

Nac did her best to look very interested, amazed, and impressed even though she wasn't at all.

The bartender brought their drinks and he quickly snatched up his whiskey and drank it. He had a look of disgust on his face as he drank it, though, which indicated to Nac that he doesn't really drink all that much and ordered that to impress her. She definitely needed to use this to her advantage.

“Wow, you're so lucky to have so much tolerance to alcohol like that!” She complimented. “Men who can handle their liquor are so impressive!”

He gave her a smug grin before obnoxiously snapping for the bartender. “Oh you have not seen anything yet. I bet I am more impressive than any man you have ever seen!”

He asked the bartender for another whiskey on the rocks before receiving yet another one, which he quickly downed.

After his second drink, Nac got him to open a conversation with her about himself. Apparently this was his first time at a bar, where his online friends on Reddit told him would be a good place to “pick up chicks”. He also used some of the pickup artist lines on her like “you would look cuter if your muffin top wasn't showing, but you're in luck because I happen to like muffins.” and “if your face was just a little thinner you'd be a gorgeous model, but do not worry because I have found beauty where other savage men would not have.”

Nac pretended these horrible lines worked on her as she encouraged him to order another round of drinks for them. He did just that and downed his third whiskey on the rocks, which at that point made him extremely loopy. Nac didn't touch her second margarita and just watched the greasy boy before her spout off chauvinistic garbage to try and impress her.

She waited for the three whiskeys to take their toll on the man before gently touching his shoulder. “Brian, do you wanna get out of here?” She asked with a flirty grin as she batted her eyes.

The man let out a loud “WOOH!” before clapping his hands together. “SCORE!” He got up and twirled around before pretending to throw a basketball and make a score. “SWISH!”

Nac giggled darkly as she got up and took his hand. “Oh Brian, you're so funny!” She lied as she stroked his arm.

Brian felt confident as he stepped out of the bar with this beautiful goth lady on his arm. Nac gently guided him to the back of the building, where Strade was parked.

Brian looked confused. “You parked over here? This is no place for a lady to park! What if some savage tries to rape you?”

Nac laughed. “You shouldn't be worried about me,” She stepped back and gave him a very dark grin. “You should be worried about you!”

“W-What?” Brian looked even more confused, unaware of the fact Strade was now right behind him.

“Hey, buddy, that's my pet you're hitting on and I don't appreciate it!” The German man told Brian before putting his hands on his shoulders.

Brian’s eyes widened as he stayed perfectly still. “W-What the fuck is going on?”

“You're coming with us!” Nac giggled evilly and clapped.

“Y-You bitch! You set me up!” Brian tried to protest and escape Strade’s grip.

Strade overpowered Brian and ended up slamming him head first against the brick wall hard enough to knock him out.