#IMP!SAM I WILL BE YOUR BITCH

[bubblergoespop]

“Good bitch.”

- Imp! Samuel Collins

[on-the-clear-blue]

Dead Man's Diner pt 4

"THOSE FUCKING BITCHES SAM!" Danny shouted as he stormed into his apartment, slinging his backpack off by the door as he toes his shoes off.

Rounding the corner of the hallway, Danny was met with Tucker, shirtless with only a pair of plaid boxers on, staring at him with sleep glazed eyes, he had a box of cereal in one hand, and a bottle of oat milk in the other, raising the bottle in a salute, Tucker stuffed a handful of cereal into his mouth before taking a swig of the milk, holding up a hand to stop Danny from speaking as he chewed, only letting his hand fall before he spoke.

"What?"

"The Bats are fucking assholes!"

Tucker looked back at the bottle of oat milk, sighed and placed it back in the refrigerator, chucking the box of cereal on the counter, Tucker grabbed Danny by the shoulders.

"Of course they are Jerks Danny..." his grip tightened as he started to shake the Halfa, "I have ten deadlines and 5 missed calls, I really want to geek out right now about you meeting the local heroes but I really don't have the time, so yes, jerks, tell me about it later okay?"

Danny phased through the tough grip on his shoulders, letting out a giggle as he watched Tucker fumble as he no longer had someone to help steady himself, "I did yell specifically for Sam, Tuck so you can't get mad at me! Go huant the Wanyetech building, I know for sure those dudes are way more dead inside than I am!"

Getting a groan from his friend at his dead pun, Danny continued into the apartment, snatching Tuckers cereal box off the counter as he went to sit in the living room.

Spotting Sam typing something on a lap top, her big over the ear headphones blaring as he flops down next to her, which thankfully was enough for her to notice him.

Offering g the box of cereal to her, she sent him a tired smile as she slipped the head phones off and took some of the fruit flavored rings, "Hey there Deadstuff...how was work?"

Danny sent her a grin, "Well, Clocky decided to throw me a bone and I think I got this? He is a little bitch boy that sends me all over the place but this time it was a dined, Lunch Lady taught me how to cook." Pasuing to stuff a new handful of tasty fruity goodness, Danny spoke around the cereal in his mouth "Cookin' ish so much more cool when da food isn't trying to kill you"

Slapping Danny's arm as she rolled her "Don't eat with your mind full and tell me what got you so riled up" Sliding her laptop of her self she tucked her knees up before stretching them out over Danny, who was already going off on his story.

"Wait wait! You had Nightwing in you're restaurant and you didn't get me an autograph?" Same shot Danny a scowl, who at least had the decency to look sorry

"I was going to but they fucking dined and dashed Sam! Even when I was actively Phantom, I never, ever just left a bill!"

---

Dick knew that perhaps eating the food was a slightly bad idea, given the look B gave them when him and Tim pulled into the Cave.

He was standing there, arms crossed, thankfully cowl down, what made the sight infinitely less intimidating was Damian doing the same next to him, his head tilted to look down at them and perhaps standing on his tittpy toes a little bit.

Dick wanted to coo at the father son bonding, but remembered he had to act at least a little chastised at the moment "Yes I am sorry B, It was my decision to head in, there was no outward danger so we just took a chance."

Wincing at the gruff grunt he got from that Dick powered on, "I will write a more detailed report, but personally if anything wrong it's likely that the kid working there is Meta? I dont-"

"He can't be meta! He is very clearly a ghost Dick!" Tim interrupted already flipping through some notes he had made on the way back home, "its the only explanation...or he is a 5th dimensional Imp with a passion for cooking but I really hope not those guys suck to deal with..."

Dick nodded at that, but had to say some thing foe his own superfan imp "Nightmite is a chill dude helps sometimes with cases back in Bludhaven!"

Giving a sigh, Bruce rubbed the bridge of his nose, "No mites, no metas, no ghost, go to Medbay I am running blood tests on what sweet hell you have ingested."

---

Bruce ran the test again, sure that it was wrong, praying that it was wrong.

TEST COMPLETE

TRACE LAZARUS WATERS DETECTED

Underneath was lists of chemical make ups of the samples Tim took and his sons blood, there were varying levels through out the food samples, some lighter but others were heavy on it.

What was stumping him was...it was nearly perfectly pure, the pits naturally over time get polluted, with the dirt and sediment that falls in, and with the various amounts of bodily parts and fluids that are dipped in it.

But the trace amounts Bruce was finding were a better quality than Ra's own personal pool, not the one he dips in to regain his youth that the LOA make a ritual out of, no the privet one in the Alps that was clear as glacial water.

It didn't make any sense to Bruce, who would be spreading Lazarus water around? Ra's would not simply share his secret pure stash...

Lost in thought, Bruce sat back glaring at the test results.

---

"And after I thought I was giving great service, they fucking left, no bill, no tip! I didn't even get to see Nightwings ass as he left! People say it's a godly experience! I was robbed!" Letting out a huff Danny shot Sam an incredulous look at her sudden burst of laughter. "Sa~am, this isn't funny! Never meet your heroes! I am taking this to Twitter! They shall know my fury!" His words only served to make Sam laugh even harder.

Stifling a grin Danny took out hos phone, a old busted thing that was more ducktape and prayers than actual technology, but dear go's did it still work.

<@i-haunt-spirit-holloween

[@.realwing @not-that-red-robin.real yall are toxic twinks came in to my workplace and fucking dined and dashed 0/10 Nightwing has a flat ass.]

Hitting send, Danny put his phone down, choosing to let the nights happenings go past his mind and just hang out with Sam before showering and finally going to bed.

---

Tim was hunched over his lap top, going frame by frame of his body cam footage, he *needed* to figure this out, it was like an itch in his brain that he would go through bone to get through.

His work payed off as he clicked forward another time, his feed went static before it showed a blurry blue blob in place of the diner! Proof! It was there!

Jumping at the sudden bang of his bedroom door being thrown open, Tim whirled to around to see Dicks distressed face, standing up, Tim prepared for the worst, something happened. Bruce was dead agian it had to be-

"TIMMY I AM A TWINK AM I??" Was Dicks wail as he flopped down on Tim's bed.

Letting out a shuddering sigh, Tim looked longingly at his laptop before closing it, "Dick, what the fuck."

Rolling around on the bed, Dick finally looked up at Tim "Littlewing sent me a tweet and...ugh just look!" Thrusting out his phone as he spoke

Pasuing at the mention of Jason, Tim  looked down at the screen and froze

"Holy shit...we forgot to pay didn't we...fuck Jason is never going to let us live that down."

Tim still remembered the first time he witnessed one of Jason's famous "make Bruce spend more money" rants about tipping.

It was glorious.

Tim now realized he would be one of two that was likely going to have to face it next.

"UGH?? You focus on the money and not the other parts? Tim I was called a toxic twink with no ass! This is a declaration of war! I have never been so offended!" Dick sat up, eyes narrowd while Tim opened up the tweet on his own phone.

"The comments agree Dick, I am sorry, you now have a flat ass congrats and welcome to the club" Tim said dryly, trying to go to the posters page, since it was clearly Danny who posted it.

Only the app crashed when he tried to. And again when he tried to a second time, and his web browser crashed when he tried opening it there

Tim was baffled on what was happening while Dick lemented on his bed before deciding to hack it later.

<@not-that-red-robin.real

[@i-haunt-spirit-holloween super sorry about that send me venmo and I'll pay with tip]

<@i-haunt-spirit-holloween

[@not-that-red-robin.real Fuck that face me like a coward bitch bet you wont]

<@not-that-red-robin.real

[@i-haunt-spirit-holloween...bet]

---

Somewhere in a safe house in Crime Ally, Jason let out a little giggled as he scrolled through the comments on the funniest post he had found in a while, Jason was surely going to have to speak to Timberly and Dickiebird about paying their bills but right now?

He was kicking his feet watching Dick have a public meltdown as Nightwing.

Finally, he wouldn't be the only one who had to retake the Bat Media course.

How was he supposed to know doing peace signs next to a person he just shot wasn't allowed?

[mrsmiagreer]

Favorite Redacted quotes but the list gets longer everytime I find a new one

“And the energizer bunny…Takes a tumble” -Milo

“Is this why you put up with my memes and shit? Because i gotta big dick and a great ass??” - Guy

“WHAT ECHO?!” — ALL OF REDACTED aka echo

“Do you love me?” — Imp!Damien

“Keep his name out of your FUCKING mouth” -Sam

“Laying in comfortable silence, hands roaming lazily betwixt our supine bodies, tracing gentle patterns across supple skin…Yes that was all about my eyes😂” — Guy

“This isn’t like a dog or something. Like normal wolves are big. Shifter wolves are even bigger…and i’m on the bigger end of that too” -David

“Is David being a total groomzilla about your side? Oop— Heard that-” Asher

“But I bet I’d lay down for it” — Vincent

“Make it two” —Sam

“Great deal on a large sausage” —Guy

“Will you marry me, Angel?” —David

“….Isn’t that right??” “Heyyy no tickling!!” — Gavin and Caelum

“No not just yes…say the words…say the whole thing” —Vincent

“Ohh— You are getting close! Hi! Hi baby….I love youuu” —Guy

“We are NOT matching. I am wearing my work clothes, YOU’RE wearing contraband” — David

“someone please get the gentleman a door prize”— Blake

“I was thinking a little less nature documentary and little more battle bots you know like i want you to just fucking SNAP me like a twig😭” -Guy

“No! You can’t tell me I taste good >:(” — Lasko

“Who are you and what have you done with my lover??” — Guy

“I know baby I know” — Milo

“Staaapppp you’re being rude… Yes RUDE you heard me!” —Guy

“…..do it— hmmmMmMmMmm okay okay….That had a little less finesse than i’m used to” —Milo

“You know what wordplay reminds me of? Tounge twisters!! And you know what tongue twisters remind me of? Tongue kissing!! Let’s explore that topic shall we?” —Guy

“The goal is healin me, you can’t be hittin me at the same time” —Milo

“Show me that wagon ya draggin sexy uehh” -Guy

“Who’s that bitch we hate?” — Asher

“Any hole is a goal” — Guy

“Just move your ass…..hmm i didn’t mean to move it quite like that but you’ll get no complaints outta me” —David

“My mouth is good for a lot more than just…talkin” —Milo

“It’s our bedroom….It’s our bed” —Geordi

“Hey Baaaaabyy” —Ollie

“I’ve sat with these feelings long enough to know how to manage them I promise” —Blake

“Call me that one more time and you won’t be able to walk tomorrow” —David

“I cant be another mistake…because it’ll break me” —Blake

“I’m sure seeing him is like….like those healing classes. A nice diversion😊” —President Moore

“Milo…play nice” — Imp!Asher

“You don’t have to order anyone to do it…Just take volunteers” — Imp!Milo

“I just set my fucking curtains on fire” -Damien

“Who taught you how to do healing magic?? A construction worker with a jackhammer?!” —Milo

“You’re taking me so fucking good” —Milo

“I’m trying to get off of you…I don’t wanna crush you” —David

“Awe yeah i often walk into work with shotgun shells in my fucking brief case” —Milo

“I cant read your mind baby” — Vincent

“Welcome home my love. How was your day?” -Gavin

“Park it on me Sweetheart” — Milo

“That does not feel like searching for a key Lovely” —Vincent

“Do i need to set this stuff down or are you gonna behave?” —Vincent

“Yeah, no thinking about work today. Or we’ll come over there and kick your ass” —Milo

“Hey…sorry i’m late” —Blake

“Do I look like i care??” —Blake

“I’m a grown ass man” —Milo

“I DON’T whimper…” —Damien

“You know what we do to…Bad Boyss around here—💀💀💀” —Guy

“Did I really just get drive by kink shamed??!” —Asher

“Awweee poor baby” —Asher

“Keep it in your pants you two. I already mopped this morning😒” —David

“…boop” —Sam

“I don’t want this for you baby” —Milo

“Boot Licker” —Milo

“I’ll always find you” —Avior

“Wexler, Greer is causing problems at the west entrance” — That One Guard😭

“That wasn’t rhetorical. Answer me” —Imp!Damien

“I love you more than human words can convey” —Gavin

“Yes baby” —Gavin

“Ruth Holland are you here? Hello? Hello?” —Milo

“Fuck, bounce on my fucking dick” — Guy

“Moan. They moaned. You moaned.” — Geordi

“Pfftttt hahaha- Okay— WuHwuhWwaA—” — Guy

“This isn’t happening!!” — Ivan

“I don’t like you, and I’m not going to” — Alexis

“Hold still i’ll grab you one of mine” — Milo

“Bad. Worse. Better.” — Vincent

“Go kick that ass….champ? Oh God-” — Lasko

“No can do baby” -Huxley

“I’m just fucking with you” — Sam Collins

“I needa stop saying fuck. Fuck. Sorry. And i needa stop saying sorry. fuck. sorry. FUCK i mean FUCK so— oh fuck😭 Oh my god i am such an idiot” — Lasko

“I wanna touch” — Stranger/Caller/John..?

“Fuck! Fuck me—” — Lasko Moore

“Can I cum on you?” — Milo Greer

“I am not gonna have ants runnin round my house cause of you😭” — Sam Collins

“It is not funny, you FUCK” — Milo Greer

“I’ll spank your ass brat. Not like it’d be the first time. Or the last.” — Milo Greer

“You’ll be safe” — Blake

“Well of course it’s gaudy. I made it” — Gavin

“Shit Darlin. You really weren’t gonna say anything about this?” — Sam Collins

“It’s all good” — Huxley

“I hate to make a guy lose his fuckin’ noodles” — Milo Greer

“Where do you want these fangs baby?” — Sam Collins

“Do you have any idea just how much energy is coming off of you right now?” — Fool!Gavin

“Sorry” —Fool!James

“I gotta go faster before i start…fucking…crying or something😭” — Asher

“Moan for me baby” — Milo Rebane

“I’m still so hard omg…I think I can cum again” —Asher

“Because we’re going on a hike, baby” — Damien

“You want my body, you want my cooperation, then you let me have this. you let me have them” — Blake

“Blink twice if you need help buddy” — Asher Talbot

(I will be updating this list when i find/remember new ones😊)

[justarandombrit]

I did the thing again. If you missed the livestream but want to know what happened, I wrote down some notes again. (Spoiler warning, obviously, as I will mention who won the death match)

. The Nightmare Time theme is so fucking good

. Xander murdered Grace last death match and won

. James and Matt like wrestling (not each other - the sport)

. BOTTLE IMPS!!!!!!!!!!!!

. WORKIN BOYS GETS RELEASED ON YOUTUBE AT 425,000

. Lmao the backing music is Jane's A Car

. We are the Lords In Black

. HARMONY AND BARRY!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HARMONY SO MUCH

. Ted and Hidgens are a duo lmaoooooo

. Melissa and w o m a n

. Mariah really loved w o m a n

. CCRP set up a water filtration system that pissed people off

. USE IT OR LOSE IT

. Harmony and Barry are just so annoying that Paul and Emma want to fight them

. Paul is the first to die

. Coffee makes Barry stronger

. Jon is the only one who thought Paulkins would win

. Rip Harmony :(

. Paul throws spare change at Harmony and Barry, summoning the Homeless Man, who wins the fight for them

. Bill and Alice get an easybake oven stolen from them by Sherman

. Love Vs Crazy

. Frank and Bill get mistaken for eachother mid-fight

. Sherman is vicious

. Frank wants Sherman to die

. Alice eats Sherman's soul and becomes a little kid again

. Ruth has a crush on Hidgens

. Ted and Hidgens have a dead body???????

. The dead body is a Frankenstein amalgamation of all the Workin Boys

. Frankenruth?????????

. RICHIE HAS THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON HIS SIDE

. Ted and Hidgens win with help from the Workin Boy

. “w o m a n is here!”

“I'm fucking here, bitches”

. Shapiro + Bailey are looking for Roman

. Dog…

. Oh no

. Roman is the dog.

. Melissa and w o m a n die

. MISS HOLLOWEEN!!!!!!!

. Bottle Imps was supposed to be between Forever and Always and Time Bastard

. Bill meets the founder of CCRP

. CHARLES IS IN IT

. CHARLES FOUNDED CCRP

. HARVARD LAW SCHOOL COMMUNITY ORGANISING PRICK?!?!?!?!?

. HOWIE?!?!?!?!?!?

. Bill's been at CCRP 13 years

. Coven’s Communication Research and Power

. Charles wants… ALL the money

. If it's actually Billted oh my god…

. Jane didn't die, but their dog did so she divorced him

. THEY'VE COVERED THE PROTESTS LIVE AT THE HATCHETFIELD KENNEL

. THE PROBLEMATIC PUPPY BIT SOLOMON LAUTER

. DONNA WANTS THE DOG TO DIE

. THE DOG IS IN THE CAR

. THE DOG CAR RUNS OVER DAN AND DONNA

. GOT MY PAW ON THE GAS

. Everyone is cheating on each other

. Ethan used to bully Pete

. Pete and Steph don't tip

. Lex flips out

. Lex suddenly develops a gluten intolerance????

. Jason and Kyle save Steph and Pete

. Max breaks into Camp Idontwannabang, Grace reads him Bible stories, they're about to kiss, then Boy Jerry and Girl Jeri burst in to kill them

. Grace is so Jesus loving that Lumberaxe kills the Jerries

. MISS HOLLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN

. Excorcism???

. “Christ’s in hell with your mother”

Riley

. Miss Holloway has a witch hat!!!!!

. Evil mask??

. Riley's in hell smh

. “You basic bitch”

. MISS HOLLOWAY THROWS HERSELF INTO A WOOD CHIPPER

. Joey is Ted again

. YELLOW JACKET

. Alice and Bill get pissed about Paulkins trash talking Mamma Mia

. Joey: “This is the future the libs want”

. General MacNamara drops in from a helicopter and shoots Bill and Alice in the head

. James will murder Paul and Emma himself if they survive again

. Ted accidentally confesses to murdering Ruth and Richie

. Joey: “Here's the thing, ACAB”

. Thrash murders Shapiro for being a cop lmaooooooo

. Sam’s a dick to Tim at Pizza Pete’s

. Hannah straight up murders Charlotte and Sam

. I have to go to bed :( (Stopped right before Holyghost v Lautity)

. I'm baaaa-aaaaaack! It's the next day, I have pancakes, and I'm just realising I accidentally wrote Lautity instead of Lautski… I just love them too much

. I haven't checked Tumblr cause I don't want to be spoiled for who wins

. OH SHIT WORKIN BOYS IS ON YOUTUBE

. I'm back on the livestream, I'll check that out later

. They're at Perky's Buds, Grace has dragged Max there for a protest, Steph dragged Pete there for weed

. Grace wants Steph to go to heaven

. Five minutes for A THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!?!?

. THEY DID IT IN ONE MINUTE

. Joey: “You horny little fucks”

. Max just murders Steph and Pete

. Max wouldn't want to hit a girl, Ziggs comes out, fails to land a single shot on them, but attracts the nighthawks which peck out Steph and Pete’s eyes

. Nicole Rodriguez is so fucking talented damnnnnnnnn, also I love Cool As I Think I Am (Reprise)

. This song will always destroy me emotionally :(

. Why is Joey doing a British accent lmaoooo

. This isn't the next scene, but is after it chronologically

. BRENDA!!!!!!!!!!

. BRENDA WORKS AT MISS RETRO'S

. If only it was a real werewolf… Wayward Guide, anyone?

. “Shit-eating grin” is my favourite Americanism. It's so funny I love it

. I kinda love Tucker

. More skidoos???

. Kyle's in college?????????????? Damn

. Even Stacy's in college

. Miss Holloway: “Cause the 80’s were bitchin’ ”

. Oh nooooo :(

. Miss Holloway: “The intranet”

. Oh god

. Oh shit

. Oh fuck

. Even though I knew this was going to happen I'm still devastated

. Oh god :((((((((

. God we need NMT3

. Joey: “Is this a bad time to announce Curt and Kim are getting divorced?”

. VIRGINITY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

. Tedgens are stealing from CCRP, Paulkins are about to go on a date, they find them, and Hidgens goes all murder-crazy

. Corey: “Some of us are wrong and many of us are right”

. Joey: “Jon, Ted is gooning all over this office”

. Jon: “Great job everybody, all the food is gonna be poisoned next week”

. Goddamnit I just got spoiled for it :(

. Tedgens manage to find the Bastard's Box and trap Paul and Emma in it

. Hidgens hears Workin Boys coming from the box, but Ted stops him from touching it

. Tom and Becky want to buy the Waylon Place, and find Grace and Max burying Pete and Steph

. Tom coaches the Hatchetfield Nighthawks??????????

. Gen Z Vs Millennials

. Someone pulled $800 from the Kickstarter :(

. Will arrived literally as soon as Max died

. Grace and Max are ghosts now

. Meg Lloyd is also insanely talented

. Will loves Tom and Becky

. Sauce Saturday

. RUN AWAY WITH MEEEEEEE

. They're in the Starlight theatre, Wilbur is there for some reason

. “He was driving the car that killed your dog”

. NOOOOOOO JENNY

. LAUREN!!!!!

. Wilbur just straight up cheats so Tedgens win

. OHHHHHHH TED VS HIDGENS

. Ted always dies though :/

. A girl Miss Holloway saved has died

. MISS HOLLOWAY IS RENEGOTIATING HER DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

. Lore….

. Miss Holloway chops off her toes?????

. AND DIPS THEM IN CHOCOLATE?????????

. AN OLD POP STAR THE WORLD’S FORGOTTEN

. That's what that tune is called?

. OH MY GOD THE LORDS

. I NEED TO DRAW THIS

. Why do the Lords eat toes

. Blinky has a mouth???????

. Nibbly lmao

. Mariah: “Lauren, you're muted, baby”

Lauren (muted): “FUCK”

. Blinky, my love

. This is so fanfiction coded I love it

. Tinky likes Miss Holloway????? Duke really was right about everyone being in love with her

. I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY

. Lmao Tinky

. Double calculators, and an abacus????

. Blinky (covering his ears): That's a bad word!

. BLINKY HAS EARS??????

. HER NAME

. BE A PALLY WAL

. OH MY GOD MISS HOLLOWAY

. Ted wins!!!

. THEY'RE GONNA DO DND

. Well.

. Nightmare Time Cover!!!!!!!! Needy Beast, my love

. Oh god that was amazing

[lostgirlfandom]

Sometimes We Just Need Reassurance

Pairing: Dean Winchester x GN!Reader

Warnings: Violence, unaliving someone, breakdown from reader, might be a little triggering

Words: 1k

Summery: A job takes an unexpected turn... Dean helps you.

Walking up to the door of the motel room that you and the boys were staying in, you juggled bags of food in your hands as you unlocked the door. You walked in and noticed Sam siting down at the table with his laptop and the sounds of water running in the bathroom.  

“Ahh, sleeping beauties are awake finally.” You grinned at Sam who huffed out a laugh and stood to help you with the tray of coffee before you dropped it.  

You smiled at him and tossed the key on the side table as the water in the bathroom stopped.  

“Thanks, Y/N.” He grinned and sat back down as you put the bags of food on the table. “And thanks for the hint this morning.”

You smiled as you proceeded to take the food out and separate the food and coffee. “Oh, so you got my note?”

Out walked Dean from the bathroom with a wash rag in hand, wiping his hands dry. He had his bitch face on as he spoke. “Of course, we got it. You taped it to my forehead while I was sleeping.”  

You and Sam chuckled as you handed Dean his cup of coffee. “Does this make up for it?” You grinned at him.  

He shook his head and took a sip and closed his eyes in bliss and sighed. “Sure...” He put up the ‘ok’ sign with his free hand before moving to one of the chairs at the table to grab his food.  

You were in a small town in Minnesota, working a case, which you were pretty sure was a ghost and you were ready to get this thing tonight so you can go back to the bunker.  

-

The three of you walked into the abandoned house that people had been disappearing into for the last month. Sam walked in with his flashlight in one hand and the EMF reader in the other. You and Dean had your guns with salt rounds in the back of your jeans ready for anything. Along with iron bars in your hands, you also had a flashlight.  

Eventually, you split up.  

You had the upstairs; Sam was on the ground floor and Dean in the basement.  

Not even 10 minutes into searching the house, a bang came from the basement. You rushed down the stairs that creaked under your shoes, and you just met up with Sam who was running down the hallway and you both looked at each other with the same look on your faces. “It’s always Dean.” You say as you both took off running to the basement entrance.

“When is it not Dean.” He huffs out as we ran down the stairs.  

Making it down into the basement, Dean was pushing himself up from the ground and looked around frantically with a grunt.  

“Dean, you okay?” You asked as you rushed to his side. He looked around more as he took deep breaths.  

“Yeah...” He grunted out and leaned on you with a sigh, pressing his head against the side of yours. “I don’t think it’s a ghost, though.”  

“I’m pretty sure that it’s a ghost.” Sam says with a frowned brow.  

“I’m pretty sure it’s not!” Dean sasses back with raised eyebrows and a tilted head.

Sam purses his lips before sassing back. “Oh, really?”

Dean’s face falls into his bitch face before snapping back. “Ghosts don’t bleed, Sam!”

At that moment, the ghost – sorry – person decides to jump Sam, bringing them both to the ground. Dean and You make quick movements and reach back to grab your guns and then shooting the man that was choking Sam.  

The man drops to the side as Sam takes deep breaths and rests against the floor for a moment.  

Dean runs to his brother as you walk over and check to see if the man was dead or not. Feeling no pulse, you sigh and turn to the boys. Dean helps Sam stand and then pats him on the shoulder.  

Turns out, the man was a homeless man that had a breakdown one day squatting at the house and was killing the people that came in and then storing them in a whole in a wall.  

Deciding to salt and burn the place, the three of you made a call to the police after you set fire to the house.  

You frowned as you stared out the window of the Impala as you drove to the motel. Thinking over the fact that the man suffered from some mental illness and couldn’t get the help he needed. Which was more often than not how things went.  

You were broken out of your thoughts when you felt a hand on your thigh. Turning, you saw that you were in the parking lot of the motel and Sam was walking into the room already.  

“Hey” Dean called to you softly as he squeezed your thigh softly. You locked eyes with him and he watched you softly. “You going to be okay, Y/N/N?”  

You gave a grimacing smile and shrugged while putting your hand on top of his. “I will be. I always bounce back.”  

He gave a sad smile back before intertwining your fingers with his and pulling your hand to his lips to kiss the back of your hand. “Just because you say that means that you aren’t okay now. You know, the only reason I can get through the last few years with all this bullshit is because of you...” He scooches into the middle and then pulls you over to him. “You were always there to help me... making sure I kept going.” He leaned his forehead to yours and stared into your eyes. “You picked me first... You put me first and made me feel wanted and needed and important... and it’s my turn to return the favor. If you need to unload anything, you can talk to me... Always. You never judged me and I will never judge you cause we are two fucked up people.”  

You let out a choked laugh through a sob, not even realizing that you had started to cry. He gave a tiny smile as he rubbed your side and thigh.  

“I love you.” You said seriously though a small sob as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

He smiled and pulled you against him tighter and kissed your forehead softly. “I love you too, Sweetheart.”  

You gave a soft sob as you buried your face into his neck.  

[isuckatwritingsobenice]

you’re genuienly one of my fav writers! may I request the seduce me brothers with an s/o that’s a vampire? or some other supernatural being?

AHH OMG AM I REALLY? THANK YOU SO MUCH THAT ACTUALLY MEANS SO MUCH TO ME OMG 😪😪🫶🫶 i love you forever, Thank you so much for your request!! I hope you enjoy it!! I also decided to include what type of vampire they are. EX: taking inspo from Draculara from Monsrer High, or the Cullens in Twilight!

Warnings: death, blood drinking, implied smut,

Navigation!!! // Masterlist!!!

James:

You’re a regular vampire ( Dracula Coded )

He could sense it off of you, it was painfully obvious you were hungry

It was pretty dark out, and the club he was in was equally as dark

You don’t approach anyone, but others do approach you

You’re noticeably older, but not by much, maybe late 20’s early 30’s

In human years…

James decides to go over to you, what’s the worst that can happen? everything

Luckily for him you recognize that scent, and after a few drinks you’re both off to some cheap hotel room

It starts with a one night stand, one James usually doesn’t do, but you draw him in so easily it’s hard to resist

He doesn’t let you go, he refuses too

You two sneak off into small alleyways, hidden in the shadows where you’re safe

Usually if you ever go out it’s with an umbrella or long sleeve

rainy days with you are perfect for him >>

likes going to blood parties with you, which is just a fancy dance vampires have every few months

he’s seen you drink blood, he doesn’t partake in it, but he does feel better knowing you aren’t hungry

doesn’t condone you hunting humans but also doesn’t try very hard to stop you so ;)

Erick:

( Victorian Vampire )

Met at a demon ball

He was HOOKED when he saw you

He thought you were drinking wine until he saw how much it stained your lips and cup

He’s naturally flirty, and so are you

You two talk for hours about other worldly food is so much better than human food

He’s so sad when you leave :( but he gets excited when you appear in a library the next day

Cue him finding out you can travel through shadows and paintings ?!?!?!

Thinks it’s so cool and absolutely asks you out on a date

you go to a rave party when he watches you hunt

he’s in love

he helps you hide the body

he’s gonna marry you

Sam:

( Twillight based )

He met you on the bus …

not the most romantic but it was late at night and you were hungry

he watched you devour the bus driver

Of course you didn’t try to attack him but you acted like everything was normal afterwards

just casually started talking to him with blood all over you and he’s like ??? bitch wtf but like in a hot way

pulls the “ so you have plans later?” knowing damn well you don’t

you two end up having a one night stand, and the strength battle between you two is steamy ~

he does see you again though, it’s on his way home from work

he sees a dead body, he also sees you, he now sees nothing wrong and dismisses the complaints of noise, who ever knew? not him that’s for sure

you two hunt imps or animals a lot, you make a game out of it

he likes that you can be outside with him

shine bright like a diamond

Matthew:

( Draculara coded )

met at a bakery

you wanted a cupcake and Matthew asked if you needed help with balancing the cupcake and holding your umbrella together

it’s 80 degrees out

when you hand him the umbrella you step in the shade, and he follows slightly

you make small talk with him and he tells you he’s on the hunt to try all the bakery’s in the city to find the best cupcakes

you tell him the best bakery burnt down in 1857 and he’s like … come again?

he knew you weren’t human but vampire was not what he was expecting

panicked and thought you were gonna bite him

you did not bite him

he likes that you’re vegan though

at least you two can eat together, as long as it’s inside and not with a lot of sunlight through the windows

probably the most cautious about blood being around you

Damien:

( psychic vampire )

he actually loves that you can communicate telepathically

you also help with his headaches which he really appreciates

you two met under a bridge

he saw you kill someone and was like um… no thank you !!

but he did decide to give you a chance, he’s seen enough death one by a pretty vampire wouldn’t hurt

probably cuts himself on purpose for you

you don’t take the blood because you know it wasn’t an accident

he calms your bad behavior sometimes, messing with people’s minds and stuff

you help get rid of his mind reading powers

he loves you forever >>

[spooky-ghoul69]

Um..I’m mr…mr Imp!sam? A-Are you possibility in need of another bitch to lick your boot…

I am free and waiting for my turn

[mbrainspaz]

Upsetting things about The Watch BBC— A ‘live-blogged’ List (where I genuinely try not to be picky about the books)

Ep1

- what the holy hellish post-apocalyptic grunge punk garbage?!

- The way Vimes’ face moves and the way he says words

- Carcer???? Keel?????? VIMES?!!!?!?

- 80’s style foam troll costume is a costume, also wtf is that silhouette? God-awful design

- Troll walking sfx sound like an intern bashing their head against a desk

- Vetinari lives in a futuristic concrete parking garage for some reason

- Crime is legal yeah we get it

- Carrot “ 🙄 I’m not a dwarf” Ironfoundersson

- Alchemists are dealing Slab now

- Wait this is still a flashback.

- So yeah Carcer and Vimes were gang buddies

- “you’re the captain now” 😂

- Knurd. SAY KNURD DAMN YOU

- Why... why is Cheery tall

- Vimes is really wearing a metric ton of eyeliner isn’t he

- Magic mirror on the wall who is the dorkiest of them all

- So we’re giving carcer (the insane serial killer) sympathetic motives I guess

- Imps are rather large

- Carrot’s dwarf family dumped him too jeeze

- “never trust an alchemist” ??? Okay??

- Carrot’s emotional moment is making me uncomfortable

- “we come in all sizes down there” uuuuh so there’s literally nothing special about Carrot being such a tall dwarf cool cool cool cool cool cool

- Angua gets locked up to wolf out

- So.... Sybil is trying to undermine vetinari...?

- Are the crime guilds of Ankh-Morpork something this show is trying to resolve????

- Scratch that it seems to be the #1 issue the show is setting out to resolve. Rascim and other meaningful social justice themes who?

- Still a flashback

- Cheery sees ghosts

- Oh so Carcer time traveled to this future and is stock-piling slab. Cool cool cool cool cool coo—

- “what happened to you?!” Uh, you two know each other from somewhere?

- Carrot can’t button a shirt

- Enemies to lovers? Yeah that’s what this needed.

- “‘carcer was kinder to me” I hate this so much

- “slab” “never touch that stuff” no shit ‘cause it’s a TROLL DRUG

- Stop shaking that poor dragon around dear god its neck is broken

- What

- Dragons live in street lamps and Sybil is liberating them

- Sure Vimes you’ve got 1 Minute why not tell Sybil about your deepest personal trauma. What a dork.

- Are those supposed to be goblins or gnolls. Why are they cyborgs

- There’s a desert outside ankh-morpork

- “Arrest me! PLEASE SAM! PLEASE” - Carcer “mm nah” -Vimes

- Aren’t dragons supposed to be like... cat sized? Not just fancy geckos with wings?

- Oh great he found the book. Just sitting there. On the street.

- Honestly I’m on Carcer’s side here lads. Vimes is a rat. I’m siding with the insane serial killer. Yayyyyy

Ep2

- “I saw him fall” — you let him fall my dude. Why

- “did you hear what I said gurl”

- How fast is Detritus suddenly

- They’re shooting arrows at a troll Vimes. A TROLL. you can chill

- Oh wait he’s dead. Arrows. at a troll.

- Wait is Detritus seriously dead

- WTF

- “i can’t believe he’s gone” ME NEITHER BITCH HE WAS A TROLL THAT GOT SHOT WITH ARROWS

- The whole ‘she’s lady ramkin’ bit only works if you know her from the books and then it’s just disappointing

- AAAAAAGH Why is every plot from every book in the watch series happening at once?!?!?

- Just thinking about how Vimes is about 50 years old in The Fifth Elephant. On this timeline he’ll be bout 78.

- How old is Sybil? Maybe 32?

- CARCER summoned the dragon????

- Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool

- “and you call yourselves The Watch?!” Yes please do not. But also lady, you knew there were 4 of them and you’re basically Batman don’t act surprised.

- “only one virgin I know of”— what from the official virgin registry?!?!

- Also WHAT?! ONE VIRGIN??? IN THE WHOLE CITY?? ? 😂

- Who are these people and why are they meeting on top of a foggy parking garage

- Uh... Mustrum Ridcully?

- My gods these characters are dull. Fancy costume design is a poor substitute for personality.

- Lindljfdinglsnkdnv what is happening there was a bit about the high energy magic building and swears and wait what Ridcully can’t swear?!? YEAH SURE I GUESS

- what is this whole exposition dump about Ridcully and his ‘inventions’?!

- Dude where is his wizard hat. I am shook

- ANYWAY

- Back to Vimes’ past as an immoral douche

- nvm back to the royal parking garage

- Why is Vetinari wasting time on Vimes while he’s such a useless bum? she’s treating him like she knows he’s gonna be a duke one day

- Gods why does Vimes move like that. Gives me the heebie-jeebies

- Ridcully invented iconographs???? AND the dragon-torturing streetlights??? What like there are no other people in the whole city who could’ve done that? We’re really just gonna pin everything on the only wizard dude who seems to exist

- Sybil and Ridcully are arch-enemies then too I guess

- Oh the goblin things are communists for comedy value

- And they work for Carcer... for some... reason???

- carrot is so serious but not in the right way

- “‘just a cleaner” — sweetheart you look like you oughta be escaping a prison planet in Doctor Who wtf

- “‘round world” yooooo.... you realize nobody’s even explained that this is supposedly discworld yet right

- Ridcully is giving me the worst vibes and I hate it

- Oh my gods RIDCULLY IS THE INSANE SERIAL KILLER

- Weeee Carrot’s solved ... something? I’m lost

- Oh no

- What the f**k was that

- You know if they’d halved the eyeliner budget maybe they could’ve afforded 🦧

- “you didn’t bring goodboy with ya” — uh... how do you know? He’s a pocket sized accessory

- Ah nevermind Sybil and Ridcully are chums. why wouldn’t she be chummy with the dude who invented the dragon streetlights that torture dragons that she became a vigilante to rescue. My b

- Ook? More like “OOF.” That design genuinely hurts to look at with my eyeballs.

- cheery and Angua suddenly have ... chemistry ?! Honestly I’m not not here for it

- And then “you’re terrified of the dark” slapped me in the face like a fish.

- Yep. Cheery the tall dwarf is afraid of the dark ... for some... reason?

- Aaaaaand yep capn’ space prison is working for Carcer because of course she is!

- Because there are 10 people in this whole city and half of them work for Carcer and the other half are either ghosts in Cheery’s head or automatons invented by KNOWN SERIAL KILLER Mustrum Ridcully

- What did Carcer call the space prison lady?

- Oh no

- Noooooooooo

- No this is too much.

- So

- Let me sum up

- carcer was a wily gang leader who was looking after a bunch of kids who just wanted to survive on the rough streets on angie-morpurge including SAM VIMES and ... WONSE?! (WHO IS A GRUNGY EX-CON CLEANING LADY INSTEAD OF HAVELOCK’S SECRETARY FOR SOME REASON?!) until Carcer was betrayed by Vimes and accidentally shot sgt. Keel which naturally caused Vimes to chase him onto a roof where Vimes let him fall to his death except instead he got zapped by magic time lighting which caused him to appear in the future where he decided to buy troll drugs, haunt Vimes, and summon a freaking dragon (in that order).

- Yeah yeah. Makes perfect sense.

- Moving on

- Why are we breaking in to the library?

- Oh well at least we’re all here together now

- Serves you right for hiring a cleaner who looks like a gritty space ex-con my guy

- “carcer needs to burn the whole city down” “why?” Uh—yeh

- Will somebody please make Vimes stop moving. His torso, his face—everything. Stop it

- Stop

- Please gods

- My head. It hurts.

- They’re doing exposition but it just hurts.

- Oh good the goblin assassins are here with arrows

- What are these camera movements and why are they LOUD?!

- I think I blinked and missed most of angua’s character arc but good for her I guess

- WHY DOES VIMES MOVE LIKE THAT

- So angua did what?

- Aw Carcer. what a bro. What a sweetheart. I hope things go well for him.

- WHY DOES VETINARI BELIEVE IN VIMES?!

- What is the point of Vimes in this?! He has no moral compass. No wit. No soul. He’s just a drunk coward doing a bad Jim Carrey impression that makes me want to die

- Wait was that an edit or did I have a stroke

- Uh... so they are setting up Cheery and Angua as lovers then. Still not hating it, just... ya know... the whole angua and carrot thing? Kind of a big deal? We’re not gonna like... no? Okay.

- “we’re actually quite good at this aren’t we” —NO

- “i wouldn’t be seen dead wearing that” — we’re really just plucking lines from random discworld characters and chucking them into the script randomly aren’t we

- No no, let’s hear Sybil’s tragic backstory about how the watch done her wrong here we goooo-oh? Nope never mind there she goes she left

- Whoop there it is. It’s assigned reading.

- “Join me, Wonse. Join THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE” - Carcer

- HOLD UP

- CARCER JOINED SOME MESSED-UP VERSION OF THE TIME TRAVELING MONKS?!?!?

- THE MONKS (or whoever they’re supposed to be he mumbled and I didn’t catch it) ARE TRYING TO DESTROY REALITY?!?!?

- What

- The

- ———-

[cosplaydude637]

Special Part 1: Shadow Natural,

The year 2014

So much has happened in the last year. Alec became Console, Clary and Jace got engaged, the war with the Cohort was still ongoing, and little has been seen of the Seelie queen. With all this going on Magnus felt like it was a good idea to take Alec out for a date night to the movies. This strange tale starts as the two men are walking out of the theater holding hands.

As they round a corner into a back alley walking home the hair on the back of Alec’s neck starts to tingle. When this happens it usually means he is being followed. The two men spun around, Magnus had just enough time to throw up a blue flame-covered hand to stop a bullet inches from his face.

Alec draws a seraph blade from his belt and calls out “Cassiel” and the blade shoots out and lights up the alley. Before them stands two mundanes. One was tall with shaggy light brown hair and his gun was trained on Magnus. The other man was short with spiky brown hair and a look of complete shock was on his face as he lowered his smoking gun. “Son of a Bitch!” He shouts.

Magnus flicks a finger and sends the bullet flying back at the two men. They dive out of the way and roll into a ball then jump up their guns amed back at Magnus. But now Alec was not standing there he was behind them and held his seraph blade at the tail man's throat. “Put them down, I really don’t want to kill a mundane.” Alec states.

The tail man looks at the short one. “Dean just kill this warlock”

“I really would not do that. My husband is very good with his seraph blades.” Magnus says smiling at Alec.

“Sammy, why is a warlock smiling at you like that?” Dean asks

“Not me, the man behind me.” Sam answers.

“I mean it, have your boyfriend drop the gun and you do the same,” Alec says, rubbing his blade on Sam's throat drawing a little blood.

“Really come on, he is my Brother. Why do all you monsters seem to think we are gay.” Dean snaps. This moment gave Magnus the opening he needed and he twisted his hand and blue flames shouted out and sent Dean flying into the wall.

“I am so going to kill you for that! And your boy toy monster!” Sam yells and Magnus wiggles his fingers at Sam.

“The only monster I see here is you and your brother. My husband is a Nephilim and a high-ranking one so watch how you talk to him.” Magnus says and is tackled to the ground by Dean.

“Sam, will you kill that thing already!” Dean says drawing a silver hunting knife. Dean however was not able to use his weapon as two long swords were now at his throat. Holding them was Jace and Clary

“You really don’t want to do that, mister. My parabatai really would not like it if you killed his husband and you don’t want to see a heartbroken and mad Shadowhunter” Jace says with a shit-eating grin.

“A what?” Sam asks, shocked, his eyes Widening.

“We are Shadowhunters and this warlock is protected,” Clary says.

“Hold on, hold on we are hunters two,” Dean says holding up his hands.

“You know you're cute and all but I am happily married so get off me!” Magnus yells Dean slow rose as did the two swords. Magnus gets up and dusts off.

“Ok guys let’s just talk about this, we are all hunters here,” Sam says in a calm voice.

“You're mundane, not one of us,” Jace says, looking over at Sam.

“We are not mundane, we are human!” Dean shouts.

“It’s the same thing,” Clary says softly.

“If your hunters like us then you're human too,” Dean adds.

“We are Shadowhunters also known as the Nephilim,” Alec explains

“What the Hell is a Nephilim?” Dean asks.

“There children of Angels,” Sam says looking very shocked now he has gone pale white.

“That’s right, we are the children of Raziel,” Jace says with a bright smile.

“Oh Great, So your dicks.” Dean says and is slapped by Magnus. “Hey!”

“Watch how you talk about my husband and friends. I understand now, you Human Hunters. You're so lost and don’t even know it.” Magnus says looking at the two men.

“Human hunters?” Clary asks.

“As you know, some mundane can see the shadow world. A few of them become what they call Hunters and battle the darkness” Magnus explains.

Alec steps away from Sam and lowers his blade and nods at Jace and Clary to do the same. They do and Dean and Sam put their weapons away also.

“Guess that explains why they could see us,” Jace says and tapes his unseen ruin.

“Nice tat but what’s it got to do with anything?” Dean asks.

“Dean, that's an Angelic Mark.” Sam states.

“If you did not have the sight, you would not be able to see Jace and me. Oh, I am Clary by the way. This is Alec and Magnus.” She says and points out to everyone.

“I am Sam Winchester and this is my brother Dean,” Sam says.

“No Way!” Clary shouts kind of fangirl style.

“Biscuit, do you know them?” Magnus asks, quivering an eyebrow.

“Kind of, I mean I thought they were just Characters in the Supernatural books,” Clary replaces.

“I swear to Chuck I hate those books!” Dean shouts

“Chuck?” Clary asks.

“It’s a long story,” Sam says with a half-smile.

“Not that I don’t love all this witty banter but why are Hunters in this city?” Magnus questions.

“Oh we are after a Witch and we thought it was Him.” Dean points at Magnus.

“Do you have a name for this Witch?” Jace asks, still glaring at the two brothers.

“No, we just know she has a thing about using purple fire.” Sam respawns. Alec, Jace, Clary, and Magnus all exchange a look of shock.

“Purple fire you say?” Magnus inquiries as Alec walks next to him.

“Ya some witch been going all over the U.S. causing all kind of crap and we got wind the witch be in new york so we hoped in my baby and hauled ass here,” Dean explained

“Baby?” Alec states looking very confused.

“His Car.” Sam and Clary say at the same time.

“Anyway, children.” Magnus snaps his fingers. “The one you seek her name is Sinira, she is a warlock.” He finishes

“I thought only guys could be warlocks?” Dean scratches the top of his head a quizzes look on his face.

“How very sexiest of you my dear boy. Warlock is a race, not a title. Most of the people you've been dealing with are just Mundanes playing with magic they do not understand,” Magnus states with a playful wink.

“Fine, whatever, I don't care as long as the Bitch dies!” Dean snaps.

“Hold on Dean, these guys seem to have a lot more info than us,” Sam says, laying a soft hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“You guys can’t kill her… I have read all about you but this is one fight that you are way out of your league,” Clary gives them a kind smile.

“We will deal with Sinira, you can be on your way,” Jace gives the two brothers a shooing motion.

Just then Xander, one of the young shadowhunters, comes running up to the group. He looks like he has been in a battle black inking substances are splattered all over him. He doubles over out of breath right in front of Alec.

“Xander, what are you doing here?” Alec looks at the young boy. “Is that icor?”

“What's Icor,” Dean whispers over to his brother. Sam just shrugs.

“Imp Demons in time square… Izzy and Simon there but… getting overrun.” Xander says between gasps for air.

“Xander, why did you not have an endurance ruin on?” Clary asks.

“I did, how do you think I got all the way here from time square?” Xander spouts out fine catching his breath.

“Magnus can you portal us there we need to help the others and we will need you to make a diversion for the Mundanes,” Alec asks softly.

Magnus nods and starts waving his hands around as blue fire comes from them and slowly a circular portal starts to open. Through the glimmering surface of the portal 42 street can be seen. Without looking Jace and Clary darted through the portal followed by Xander. Alec looks over at the two brothers. “Leave Sirina to us.” Alec says and darts through the portal.

“Aren’t imps like little pests things?” Dean asks.

“Yes but in large numbers they can be very dangerous.” Sam replays.

“Umm hello boys. Demons attacking humans kind of in your job description.” Magnus shouts and points to the still open portal. Sam and Dean Exchange a look then jump into the portal like they were diving into a pool. Magnus just shakes his head and walks through the portal.

Time square was a scene of complete horror. People running everywhere and tons of little monsters attacking them.

They were maybe a foot tall but they were in all different colors and sizes. On their backs were small devil-like wings.

When Dean and Sam come through the portal they see that most of Shadowhunters where battling the imps wall a small group are ushering the normal People out of the area.

Magnus steps through the portal “you two going to just stand there or help out?”

Dean and Sam draw their guns and exchange a look then nod running towards the battle.

“Um boys your little pea shouters won’t help here.” Magnus says with a chaser cat grin.

“Wall it’s what we got.” Sam says

“And they have never failed us yet. We found you can shoot most things dead!” Dean adds in very snarky.

“Boy boys boys you have barely glimpsed the Shadow World.” Magnus snaps his fingers and blue Sparks fly out. A long brod sword appeared strapped onto Dean's left hip and two short swords appeared on Sam’s back. “Try them out.” Magnus wings at the two boys and runs over to help Alec fight off a group of imps.

“I think he was flirting with us?” Dean says.

Sam puts away his gun and draws his swords. Dean follows suit and draws out his long sword. “Hey Sammy look… By the power of Gray skull!” Dean yells out, thrusting his sword into the air.

“Hey He-man you want to use that sword of power and help out or what!” Simon snaps shooting an arrow through the head of an imp.

“Wow, nice shot.” Sam says and runs over to help in the fight.

“I was just trying to….” Dean's face is covered in black inky blood. He whips his eyes clear to see Jace with his sword held out in front of Dean. Dean stumbles back and looking down he sees the body of a imp split in two.

“That sword is not a toy. Use it or get the hell out of here!” Jace snaps and spends on his heels decapitating the heads of two more imps.

Dean's face changes from one of shock into a saturn and determined look and stud back to back with Jace. “Me and you are going to have words after this is over.”

To be continued!!!

[sburbian-sage]

Strifing Without Specibus: How To Weaponize Your Sylladex & Other Harming Implements

One’s Strife Specibus is one of the more important tools in the game. Defending from Underlings and PK’ers, facing down the final bosses and Unreal Heirs, fruitless sparring with your Guardians and Coplayers, and the time honored tradition of getting into dick-measuring contests with your friends, seeing who can make the coolest or most absurd method. Some people allocate their Specibus accidentally, but as their improvised weaponry grows on them, they “main” it, trying as hard as they can to keep using it in future sessions. Your average Player will use a variety of Strife Specubi, from typical weapons like bladekind, pistolkind, and hammerkind, to weird choices like bookkind, peprmillkind, or rulerkind (measuring sticks, not governing bodies). Some people choose theirs because they like it, some choose for versatility, and some choose for metagaming purposes.

Sometimes though, the Strife Specibus isn’t enough. You’ve got some wimpy kiddy scissors that just won’t cut it while an Ogre prepares to swing. You’ve got a lance, but a winged Imp flies out of reach. You’ve got enough mangrit to toss a dryer, which you conveniently have on-hand, but no dryerkind, and the strange abstracted game-y nature of reality thus prevents you from attacking with it. In such cases, instead of un-abstracting your Strife Deck for the purposes of tossing it on the floor and stepping on it, perhaps you should get good and learn how to weaponize your Sylladex.

We’ve all been there. We’re having trouble fighting things, so your smarmy know-it-all friend tells you “a hyuk hyuk why dont u fite with your sllyadex yuo fucking scrub” and then doesn’t tell you how to actually do it. So you flail around, then learn how to do it kind of, and then stop doing it and rely on your Strife Specibus. Then years later, someone with less experience than you is having trouble fighting things, so you tell them “a hyuk hyuk why dont u fite with your sllyadex yuo fucking scrub". With typos, because you’ve turned into a silly mspaint strawman comic man. And then you cry. It’s a vicious, dehumanizing cycle, and you probably want to punch that guy or yourself, but you can’t because you don’t have fistkind you fucking scrub. You also can’t throw stuff at him, because you learned the bare basics of Sylladex fighting so you’re very shitty at it. So I’m going to help you break that cycle, and teach you actual lessons of fighting with your Sylladex. That way, you can walk right up to that dude, then toss a bunch of cream pies at him, then watch him scream and cry like a silly mspaint strawman comic man. Then you can do it to your past self. Then go mad with the power of throwing things.

The Fundaments: How Do I Shot Web?

I wrote this section after all the others because I realized too late that some of you might not even know the basics of weaponizing your Sylladex. That’s sad and pathetic, but it’s not unlikely, and best to put it here now rather than get accused of putting the cart before the horse later. Basically, you know how if your Sylladex is full, if you captchalogue something else, it goes flying out at high speeds? This is the mechanic you are exploiting. Catchaloguing an item such that it ejects something you’re holding on. The following section will be divided into Taos (even more fundamentals) and Zens (more advanced tricks), because I read a book that did this once and I thought that was cool.

Also, you should know that Hope players will be better than you at this. [Eject] is a Hope-exclusive ability that automatically ejects something from their Sylladex, and it’s very easy to learn, and it completely removes half the challenge from weaponizing your Sylladex (that is, finding something to put into the thing). While you’re scrambling for rocks so you can launch your fridge, they’ll be launching fridges at a whim. If you’re not a Hope player, then do what everyone else does. Bitch about it and move on.

Tao of Sylladex Strife: Know Your Fetch Modus

If you’re going to be using your Sylladex to fight, know how it works. Even babies know how to pick stuff up, but sometimes babies get confused by how their particular Fetch Modus actually works. And maybe you’ll get confused even if you’re not a baby (read: teenager), particularly if you get dropped into a new Session and the guy whose place you’re taking is a hipster and decided to grab one of the most esoteric Fetch Modi known to man. So make sure, before you even THINK of mis-using your Sylladex for violent purposes, that you understand how it works. And check the back, because there might be settings.

Once you’ve done that, you need to re-learn it again. This time, understand how it works in combat. Particularly, how does it eject, and how can you use it? FIFO and FILO Sylladice will eject the earliest item. Hashmap ejects the item occupying the slot you’re attempting to fill. Tree doesn’t eject so much as stuff falls. Array is wonderful for inventory management (even though I prefer Index), but it ejects stuff randomly. Enabling the “detect collisions” setting also makes inventory management easier, but considerably slows down the speed at which you can weaponize your Sylladex. How long does it take to actually captchalogue items? Is it complicated, or unwieldy? When something gets ejected, how does it fly? It’s somewhat complex, re-assessing your understanding of your Sylladex, but some general tips are as follows.

Knowing what will eject is better than random ejection.

More space means more stockpiling, but it becomes harder to keep track of your stuff.

Less space means you know your inventory better, but you have less room to maneuver and can’t stockpile as well.

Turn off “detect collisions” if you want to use your Sylladex in battle.

Short and uncomplicated captchalogue mechanics are better.

Tao of Sylladex Strife: Know Your Inventory

Now that you understand how your Fetch Modus functions, you need to understand its contents. Your Sylladex will serve two functions. An inventory, and an arsenal. “Inventory” basically means “stuff for use in puzzles and alchemy”, “arsenal” means “stuff I will use to commit murder with”. Just as it’s good to have a Fetch Modus that can serve those two functions, it’s good to have a balanced inventory. Key items, and tossable junk items. It’s also important that you know what’s going to be used. Safely take out keys, and toss your dishwasher, not the Glass Orb of Not Softlocking The Game.

As for your arsenal, understand what does and doesn’t make an effective weapon. Straight razors and sharp and fly fast and long, but they’re small and might break. Fridges are big and heavy, so they’ll do a lot of damage, but also destroy the environment and have bad range. Make sure as shit you’re out of range of your impact bombs when you let them loose, and don’t toss garden gnomes if you’re trying to knock back a Giclops. While they fill the role of bullets (with the Sylladex as the gun), they’re more like specialized tools that are all used by hurling them at people you don’t like.

Tao of Sylladex Strife: Know Your Surroundings.

Understanding your battlefield is not only important in general warfare, it’s also important when considering your throwables. While most Players who stick to their guns (so to speak) will mainly traverse their Land only looking for that which is essential to winning the game, you need to traverse it while understanding it on two levels.

The first level is the Strategic Level. Understanding your Land as a whole, and how to utilize the TOYS (Tools Of Your Surroundings) within. If you find yourself low on Sylladex weapons, where you can stock up, and what will you be stocking up on? What’s the fastest route to those locations from where you are? Does a certain location have better weaponry for the specific foes you’ll face later on? Stuff like that.

The second level is the Tactical Level. This is understanding your immediate surroundings while in a fight. What items can you quickly get to? Which ones should be used for ejection, which are best for softening the enemy up, and which are best for dealing lethal blows? Is it at all possible to make new items, like smashing the tile floors or breaking a window and captchaloguing the ensuing debris?

It’s a bit difficult to give blanket lessons on this Tao, but it’s always keep an analytical eye. You should know where your TOYS are before you need them, lest you get caught with your pants down.

Zen of Sylladex Strife: Art of the Adventure Gamer

You could tag SBURB as a lot of games. AR MMO survival psychological action adventure with house sim elements. Early-access too, considering how shitty it is. But don’t forget the adventure part. Have you ever played those point-and-click adventure games like Monkey Island or Sam & Max, and been amused with how the protagonists will take completely random and sometimes absurd objects because they could be useful? Well stop smiling, because they’re always right and you need to start doing that too.

First of all, you should already have been doing that. SBURB is also a puzzle game, and not only can potentially any item help you with puzzles, but every item could be useful for Alchemy purposes. Well now you need to add “killing stuff” to the list of potential uses for every item. Diagnose yourself with severe kleptomania and start acting like it. Grab everything you can! Use everything on everything! Stack up on Captchalogue Cards! Seriously, they’re dirt cheap for the Alchemiter. And speaking of Alchemy...

Zen of Sylladex Strife: Alchemy Isn’t Just For Weapons

Everybody loves going down to their Alchemy Pad and making new weapons, new armor, new tools, and a whole lot of useless bullshit. It reminds them of the satisfaction of upgrading their equipment or buying a new level of gear in the other video games they’ve played. Those video games, however, also tend to teach you that upgrading your ammunition or spending money on special ammo is a waste of time. It is, but not necessarily in SBURB. While improvised weaponry for Sylladex fighting is comparable to ammo, the ease of Alchemy means that not only is is usually cheap to make “upgraded ammo”, but they can be pretty effective. For example, throwing a couch at someone will hurt. Steel nails are very easy to acquire. A bit of Grist and the || function later, and you’re throwing a steel couch at someone. Not to mention, like that couch, some ammo is easy to retrieve. So next time you settle down to celebrate Gristmas, consider loading your Sylladex with some harmful objects.

Zen of Sylladex Strife: Mod Your Modus

Now that you know you should know your Sylladex, you should begin experimenting with it. If you can, grab a Modus Control Deck and a couple of extra Fetch Modii. If not, then you could try Alchemy or perhaps programming. Mix-and-match modii until you have something stronger, then once you’re settled, get to understanding that. Try to find a way to circumvent the weaknesses of the one you’re currently using. It’s kind of like sitting down at a gun bench, except your gun should also be able to carry stuff effectively, and is infinitely more confusing to comprehend.

Speaking of the Modus Control Deck, remember that you can use it to change the Fetch Modus you’re currently using. It’s possible to change Fetch Modii manually, but I find the MCD is more elegant and simple. So it might be a good idea to have several Modii for several occasions, and use the one you think you’ll be needing. For example, use something Inventory-suited like Index when exploring, and when you’re expecting a fighter, switch to something Arsenal-suited like Fingerbands. Just remember to not displace the MCD, or you’ll be running around with the one you’re using forever.

Zen of Sylladex Strife: Fighting At Full Power

This is the Zen that makes you feel like a warrior. If you intend to fight with your Sylladex, you need to remember that it is one of at least two weapons at your disposal. You also have a Strife Specibus. You must use both if you want to truly succeed. Throw something heavy at a Giclops, then pepper him with bullets. When locking blades with a Lich, stun him with a surprise vase, then riposte. I once saw a guy with Hammerkind augment the swing of his sledge with a safe going at breakneck speed, so his strike went at terminal velocity and tore a Basilisk in half. You’re going to have to learn how your Strife Specibus factors into all of this, and probably practice, but by mixing conventional warfare with captchalogue warfare, you become significantly harder to predict, and much more deadly.

[coffeeteaitsallfine]

Predictions compilation for posterity and clownery

If I’m wrong and you read this no you didn’t ❤️

Long post warning ⚠️ cause i’m gonna just randomly word vomit my thoughts

—open/shut or really basic motw case. it’s resolved quickly or is super basic and only a vehicle for Emotions like most episodes but dialed up to a 100. Probability? 80%.

—carry on my wayward son in the road so far AND end credits.

—Jack is like Surprise Bitch

—Becky cameo (not as Author but more of a reunion/redemption catch up with you and she’s happy for them? Idk) or at the very least a reference to what she said like......laundry.

—Dean’s trying to live a semi-chill hunter life but he’s trying really really hard to distract himself from feeling sad things and spends too much cleaning guns. But no “unhealthy” things this time. Mostly.

it’s his idea for the case because he’s restless and sad

Sam’s idea to help dean and himself

It’s literally 50/50

—Either a big Reveal to the audience at the beginning or only hints at the beginning and we find cas when dean does. I think in a way dean will rescue cas but it won’t be from the empty (unpopular opinion i’m just trying to be realistic). I’m getting the vibes that the episode will be simplistic in plot so it can be big on feelings so I have little hope for a flashy rescue.

—The Empty is just like....ugh whatever just let me sleep get your happiness far far far far away from me. 

— OR Cas is a Real Boy because feelings so he’s kicked out?

—crackpot theory: Chucks dies of the Rona and it kickstarts the cas/empty plot somehow

—Sam is gonna see some HintsTM cause he’ll similarly be pining after Eileen. I’m thinking WILD card guess: he finds something like the jacket with the hand print or a picture of cas or a letter or a mix tape IDK something! also sees dean ignore a waitress flirting or something, in a diner. 

—Dean decides not to eat pie *shock horror* he eats nothing or gets something unexpected (update after I wrote this I haven’t seen it but there’s a promo with a pie face in his face??)

—More likely: Sam’s gonna reminisce about eileen or their childhood for old time’s sake. Obligatory John and Mary reference.

—BARN callbacks(/red herring?) but perhaps not the full reunion, maybe he shows up and Something Happens. Or we get a big explosion or see a light hear some shit like cas voice and they leave the barn after killing off monsters

—“I am out with lanterns looking for myself” moment either with cas or dean idk but something like it for the Lamp/Light Reference. Potentially leading us to...

—GRACE TREE 🌳 I’m going all-in on this one and human Cas lads 🤡 Mrs Obama it’s been an honor cas as a human I’m calling it. OR he will be soon, the s8 parallels are strong with this one.

—purgatory 2.0 callback with dean praying or thinking about it (bonus points if it’s at the tree)

—TREE again! (or first time): adam and eve paralells is the choice also anna duh but this time the way the Audience (us) wanted 

 “Freedom is a length of rope” parallel/foil > jane eyre-esque moment  “I am no bird and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will” with Cas as a human   

—Pizzaman/babysitter reference

—someone says the word miracle (I’m assuming I got this one in the bag? Lol clowning)

—They get a dog (dean: cas, Sam: an actual dog if not also Eileen *shh* I’m manifesting)

—any combinations of the main cast opens up the new Roadhouse obviously

Truly Wish Fulfillment Category 

(if I get any of this spot on I’m taking a personal day off work asap)

—KISS next to tree! (or impala) . . . under a light 

—dean confession is minimal but packs a punch and better articulated than he gives himself credit for. Miracles, angel feelings, yada yada I love you. If he mentions either or both of his parents (and zeppelin) I will take a trip to Canada at the first opportunity. ((If he says any iteration of brother, pal, buddy etc to cas or IT IS LEFT AMBIGUOUS I will never forgive Andrew for his crimes))

—Crackpot clowning: anna/dean:deancas sex in the impala parallel I will get a spn inspired tattoo 

—FLASHFORWARD: sam and eileen, married kids hunter-archivists researchers. Dean and cas as cesar and jesse but also run the roadhouse. Family regularly gets together and eats pizza and *clown nose HONK HONK* dean and cas slow dance (just typing that felt like a ginx i hate myself rn)

SHUT UP I’m manifesting !

[myinconnelly1]

The Golden Knight pt 27 Happily Ever After (the End)

Masterlist / Previous

Word Count: 509

Warnings: The ending!!! Finally

Ellie collapsed as the knife broke her skin, but gasped and pulled the blade out when she realized it had been useless against herself.  She was human again as the knife fell next to her in a clatter.

“NO!”  Eve’s anger was obvious as she attacked the brothers and bit Dean on the neck.  A move she regretted instantly as the Phoenix ash took effect destroying her body and essence.  The newly formed Jefferson Starships disintegrated around them, leaving them utterly alone.

“Are you alright?”  Ellie asked as she stood and examined Dean’s neck.

“Fine, caught the bitch by surprise didn’t I?”  He smirked.  Bobby and Sam were still weary around her, but she had to be understanding to that.

“I’m sorry,”  She said bowing her head and moving away from Dean.

“It doesn’t matter, you pulled through in the end,”  Sam said as he rolled his shoulders back and placed a cloth and pressure on Dean’s wound.

“Why didn’t you die?”  Bobby asked looking at her and picking up the knife.

“It’s not silver,”  Ellie answered, looking around for the imp.  “I’m apparently immune to everything else.”

“If you’re an alpha that makes sense,”  Sam said looking at Bobby for confirmation.  The older man nodded his head then sheathed the blade.

“It’ll be good to have you on our team if you are on our team,”  Bobby suggested the question.

“I think I am,”  She picked up the imp and dragged it out to the center of the room.  “Show yourself.”

“I don’t think so, mutt,”  It hissed.  “You’re friends will lose it if they see me.”

“Liar,”  She growled.

“Think about where you found me, the spiral?  Realm of madness…”  It shrugged like it was obvious.  “No one that hasn’t been there will be able to see me.”

“Wanna clue us in?”  Dean asked breaking her interrogation.  

“How do I get rid of you Imp?”  She asked ignoring Dean’s question.

“I’m yours, but you won’t see me until you mess up again.  Have fun,”  It disappeared in a poof.

“It’s gone,”  Ellie said straightening her back.  “I think everything is safe for now.”

“What about you?  Are you gonna lose control again?”  Bobby asked.

“No I’ve got it under control I think.  Let’s go home?”  She sighed deeply at the thought of being curled up with Dean again after all this time.  

When they got back to Bobby’s and She was laying with Dean, she realized it was better than she remembered.

“You love me?”  Dean asked wrapping around her tightly.

“Yeah, sorry.  I thought I was gonna die.  Besides I thought you knew that?”  Ellie asked looking at him over her shoulder.

“I mean, I did, ever since I shot you when you saved me from that werewolf.  But I haven’t really told you.  I love you.”  He kissed her cheek gingerly.  “We can beat anything that comes at us.”

His statement was final and left nothing for Ellie to say about it.  She wiggled her rear and closed her eyes for a well-deserved sleep.

@waywardbaby​ @destielhoneybee​ @snffbeebee​ @deangirl7695​ @spnbaby-67​ @maddiepants​ @ladywinchester1967​ @woodworthti666​ @miraclesoflove​ @tumbler-tidbits​​ @emilyshurley​​ @akshi8278​​ @mannls​​ @wendibird​​ @bobasheebaby​​ @flamencodiva​​ @theoneandonlymelol​​ @chelsea072498​​ @donnaintx​​ @justsomedreaming​​ @supernaturalenchanted​​ @kalesrebellion​​ @prettydeaneyes​​ @emoryhemsworth​ @laphirablack​ @dontshootmespence​ @its-a-spn-thing​ @vicmc624​ @idreamofplaid​

[whenuwishuponanerd]

GOT Series Finale thoughts & musings SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY

I don’t think any of us expected the writing to be good, so let’s get that out of the way since it hasn’t been good for a generous two seasons, an honest three, and a arguable four. 

The biggest flaw imo has been how rushed everything is, and you really felt it in this episode, which is ironic because it was very slow and choppy. The pacing this episode was atrocious imo. 

Now onto thoughts I had while watching this episode: 

-Why was Arya there are the beginning? They showed her leaving last episode, now she’s stuck around, but isn’t going to even try to kill Dany, what’s the point? And then she does leave, but we don’t see it? Very odd decision. 

-Minor but when did Dany have time to get that outfit? I appears to be like the next day at latest wth lmao

-I don’t understand the writing for Tyrion at all. Why would be confront her so publicly, why even vocalize how you feel towards it? That’s already been made plenty clear...My only thought is that he was so despondent that he was wrong and had killed Varys believing in Dany that he just figured it was time for him to die, but all in all that’s very odd. And why not just kill him there tbh? She did that with Varys. Seems like plot armour, I’m afraid. 

-”the war is over now” WHY IS JON SO STUPID? Jon has always been a bit dim like Ned but holy fuck they wrote him so trash this season, especially this episode. 

-I marked and wrote “32 minutes in and it’s moving very slowly” sure there’s cool shots of tyrant Dany giving epic speeches but c’mon 

-Dany-Jon kiss and kill scene feels very soap opera omg

-wrote: “THANK FUCK SHE’S DEAD”

-THOUGH, it seemed way to easy. With how suspicious she and Greyworm have been over Jon and his ilk, very odd that it was that simple all in all. 

-Honestly, I didn’t expect Drogon to outlive his mama, Thought they’d have to kill him to get to her

-uhhhh where is he taking her LOL 

-Jon shoulda just cleaned that shit up and been like Drogon took her for a ride dunno what happened yo

-Honestly, the pacing and transitions this episode are godawful, perhaps the worst they’ve ever been 

-I hate this trash council scene. The Edmure stuff is painful. Why bring him back like this? I mean they didn’t even bother acknowledging him and this is them bringing him back wtf Awkward and not funny the whole scene is odd, except for Sam, Tyrion and Sansa’s parts

-Oh hello Robyn Arynn of the Teat

-I mean, I don’t get the people thinking either Dany or Jon was gonna take the throne so....

-Ok, Bran is king but it’s kinda lame how they’ve written him since he’s basically a personality-less bag of trash these days

-Oh and his story isn’t the most interesting Tyrion, even your’s is more interesting, don’t lie, Imp

-So is Bran a villain or nah? I mean he knew all this was gonna go down and didn’t care to try and change any of it? Or what? I’m suspicious of this broken bitch

-57 endings commence!

-This whole bitch one long epilogue that doesn’t tell us shit LOL

Ok things I did like, to one degree or another: 

-TYRION AND SANSA SURVIVED THANK YOU BABY JESUS

-Sansa talking bout how Bran’s dick is also broke not just his legs okay good

-Sansa standing up for the North and becoming an independent queen

-Tyrion back at the council, and the council in general, very good 

-Jon finally reuniting with Ghost (thought he would) and being married to Torumd his pretty cool. Always liked him with Wilding redheads over dragon bitches anyway. 

-Sansa’s coronation outfit stole this whole bitch show, ya’ll better bow down, Littlefinger wanking off in hell over this and you know it

-Davos finally getting some respect, he deserves more and ya’ll know it 

-Arya becoming Christopher Colombus and going off to colonize Americos for the North, niiiiiiiice 

IN CONCLUSION

this is all I can think of right now. 

RIP GOT 

[silkygoldmilkweed]

SanSan Is Everything and Everything Is SanSan, 4/?

Previous installments: THE BEAR AND THE MAIDEN FAIR (Season 3) | THE RED WOMAN (Season 6) | GARDEN OF BONES (Season 2)

Basically any episode that has even the slightest connection to a SanSan moment or a big Sansa or Sandor character shift is littered with other scenes and scenarios that relate to love, marriage, warrior of light, hearts of fire and their arcs through the series. Episode eight of season four, "The Mountain and the Viper,” is no exception.

This first scene is about Sam and Gilly. And the next scene is about Missy and Grey Worm. These are all living characters with their own dramas and amazing stories. But ALSO, nearly every word has a dual role, also serving to examine the otherwise invisible love and yearning between Sansa and Sandor, which is the epic love of the story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~A STORY ABOUT A LOST LOVE~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The wildlings sack Mole’s Town, where Gilly has been staying. Sam is basically talking to himself here, while the rest of the NW guys argue about Kegs and Mully and Blackjack and the coming Mance Ryder problem. (This episode immediately precedes “Watchers on the Wall.”)

What does Sam, our romantic hero, say to himself? You can watch the episode for the original, I’ll slot in Sandor’s internal monologue here.

Note: Read this in Sandor’s grumpy growl voice instead of Sam’s whine.

Sandor: “I never should have left her there...Sansa’s dead because of me. And little Arya. As if I cut their throats myself.” Shoulder Angel #1: “Maybe she managed to hide herself. I thought all of you was dead. You went away and no one came back[*see note below]. Not for ages. But then you did.” Shoulder Angel #2: “She survived Joffrey and he was the worst shit I’ve ever met...[She’s a survivor.] She might have got out.” Sandor, hopeful again: “She might have.”

Sam is an interesting stand-in for the Hound, but that’s what he is here.

Sam has NO martial skill, whereas Sandor is an experienced, seasoned pure-bred war dog.

Sam is a naive young man in love for the first time; Sandor is a grizzled cynic.

Sam guilelessly voices these sentimental feelings for this woman and child he considers his own. (Counterpoint: Sam and Gilly haven’t even done it at this point, and the little one isn’t even his blood.)

Sandor punches down on every one of those sentimental feelings for this woman and child he considers his own. (Same as Sam-Gilly-LilSam, Sansa and Sandor haven’t even done it at this point, and the little one, Arya, isn’t even his blood.)

And yet, all men are knights and all men are fools where women are concerned. He loves the girl and he’ll take her family too, because it’s what she wants.

** always, always there is language about lovers and soldiers who are gone and do or don’t “come back”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~A STORY ABOUT SEXUAL DESIRE AND MUTILATED WARRIORS~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grey Worm sees Missy naked, and the two of them have feelings about that.

“I have come to apologize. I hope I didn’t frighten you.” [Do I frighten you so much girl, or is it him there making you shake?”]

“You don’t need to apologize.” [classic Stark line: There’s nothing to forgive, my lord.]

“The lesson you give in the Common Tongue. These are precious to I.” “I don’t remember teaching you the word precious.” “Jorah the Andal he teaches I--he teaches me--this word.”

[YOUNG LOVE SO FUCKING CUTE ASDSJSDFSDKKKK]

“Do you remember the name you were given at birth?” [Do you remember being a hopeful, emotionally healthy child before they turned you into a mindless killing machine?]

“I remember nothing. Only Unsullied.”

“When they cut you, do you remember that?”

“I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY THEY DID THAT TO YOU. IT’S A TERRIBLE THING TO DO TO A BOY.”  [6yo Grey Worm got his dick cut off. 6yo Sandor Clegane got his face burned off. ALL THE GOOD GUYS ARE BASTARDS CRIPPLES AND BROKEN THINGS] [Also, “I’m sorry about all that’s happened to you and I’m sorry that it had to happen here in our home.”]

“If the masters never cut me, I never am Unsullied. I never stand in the Plaza of Pride when Daenerys Stormborn orders us to kill the masters. I never am chosen to lead the Unsullied. I never meet Missandei from the island of Naath.”

“If Gregor never burns me, I never go to serve the Lannisters. I never ride North to Winterfell with King Robert and meet Sansa Stark. I never go on walkabout with Arya Stark. I never find my wife and my daughter, my family.”

“If I never fall in with Joffrey and LF and Ramsay, I never come to cherish the Hound, brave, gentle and strong, even without seeing him for years. I never get back to Winterfell. I never find my true home is with Sandor Clegane.”

“I am sorry for today. I am sorry.” “Grey Worm, I’m glad you saw me.” “So am I.”

[1. YOUNG LOVE SO FUCKING CUTE ASDSJSDFSDKKKK, 2. While SanSan are suffering out in the wilderness, we gotta get our kicks elsewhere. This is another example of what a semi-functional romantic relationship means for the people involved. What does it feel like? What path is walked to bring two souls and bodies together? How does the union change them?]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~A STORY ABOUT A HOME IN THE NORTH~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part I: Ramsay and his cutout Theon retake Moat Cailin.

(a) A yearning for home

I cannot even w Theon, but this whole Ramsay-Theon hellscape ends in a scenic vista of Winterfell and Reek mumbling “Will we go home now?” The just-slaughtered Ironborn wanted the same. To go home. It’s so pure, almost too much so for this horrific medieval realpolitik.

This is also necessary setup for the next couple seasons, where Sansa re-enters Winterfell (“home”?) and then finally learns how to escape her abusive boyfriend and then returns with two armies to retake back her ancestral land for good. Winterfell is, I need not tell you, a key location, not just for the show at large but for Sansa specifically: Her power, I think both magically as well as politically, is seated at Winterfell.

(b) The many ways a pair can be devoted to one another

The Ironborn captain at Moat Cailin tells Reek: “Only a whipped dog would speak this way. Or a woman. Are you a woman?”

I think at heart, what George is exploring with the story of Reek is what does it mean to make someone your bitch, not least because when you have a character named the fucking Hound, his woman automatically gets called “Hound’s bitch.” But what does that mean?

Is being the receptive partner in a sexual relationship the same as being an emasculated, cowering animal? What is the nature of genuine emasculation?

This is one of many many “superfluous” references to sexuality and/or dogs in the series. Because SanSan is everything, and everything is SanSan.

Part II: Ramsay becomes a Bolton, and the Boltons take Winterfell

“The North. Ride 700 miles that way, you’re still in the North. 400 miles that way. 300 miles that way. The North is larger than the other six kingdoms combined, and I am warden of the North. The North is mine.”

This whole scene establishes the substantial nature of the North generally and the role of the Warden specifically.

But of course “there must always be a Bolton in Winterfell” ain’t right. This is about the Starks and Winterfell and the great disturbance in the Force when the family is wrenched out of their home, the most important holdfast in the North.

We don’t know it yet at this point in the story, but all the trueborn male Starks are dead, doomed and/or unfit. Rickard, Brandon, Eddard, Robb, Rickon, Bran, Benjen. I mean. It’s an unspeakable toll for one family to suffer.

If the 8,000-year-old line of Stark continues--and it is the oldest continuous family line in Westeros--it will be through Sansa’s heirs. You can tell me till the moon turns red that Arya could do it too, except she won’t. Every single thing she’s ever told us is that she doesn’t want that, and it’s not the kind of declaration that George sets up to knock down (“I don’t want brave, gentle and strong, I want him!”), it’s a core principle of who she is as a character.

Jon Snow is “not a Stahk,” and Arya is not a lady who will give some high lord sons. “That’s not me.”

Sansa Stark is the Wardeness of the North, just as Jon Snow is the heir to the Iron Throne. Only traitors can take that from them.

This scene looks like it’s about the Boltons, but they’re just the voice the show uses us to remind us of how Sansa Stark is (not just will be) a very important person.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~A STORY ABOUT A GIRL’S ONLY FRIEND~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“My name’s not Alayne. [TRUE] It’s Sansa Stark, eldest daughter of Lord Eddard Stark. [TRUE] Lord Royce, we met when you came to Winterfell. [TRUE] You were escorting your son Ser Waymar to the Wall. [TRUE] Lord Baelish has told many lies. [TRUE] All to protect me. [FALSE] Since my father was executed, I have been a hostage in King’s Landing, a plaything for Joffrey to torture or Queen Cersei to torment. [TRUE] They beat me, they humiliated me, they married me to the Imp. [TRUE] I had no friends in King’s Landing. Except one. [TRUE BUT HER ONLY FRIEND IN KING’S LANDING WAS SANDOR CLEGNE -- Sansa and Baelish basically don’t talk once in King’s Landing until after Joffrey ends their betrothal and then he does nothing but play her as a piece in his game.] He saved me. [TRUE. Mostly the Hound did this but we will stipulate that LF at least got her out of King’s Landing.] Smuggled me away when he had the chance. [TRUE. Hound would have done this, but she rejected him. He failed at wife-stealing, because he’s honorable and decent and gentle as hell. Don’t @ me.] He knew I’d be safe here in the Eyrie, with my own blood, my Aunt Lysa. [TRUE BUT AGAIN THIS IS ABOUT THE HOUND, WHO IS CURRENTLY TRYING TO GET ARYA TO HER BLOOD IN THE EYRIE. Meanwhile, Littlefinger is already formulating plans to leverage Sansa’s body and claim for the Vale and the North and the Iron Throne.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~A STORY ABOUT TWO MEN IN A WOMAN’S LIFE~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barristan is the Hound stand-in here, and Jorah is Littlefinger.

When you have time, rewatch the scene where Dany confronts Jorah about his selling her secrets to Varys and Bobby B, and then compare it to the scene three years later of Sansa presiding over Littlefinger’s trial. The language used to accuse and condemn Littlefinger is virtually identical to the language against Jorah here. 

Littlefinger’s flawless record of murdering Sansa’s family members and cornering her away from anyone besides him (ABUSE VICTIM GROOMING WHAT IS IT) is not yet known to the viewer when this episode originally airs, but we are being warned.

If Sansa had a Clegane as Dany has a Selmy, and he was informed of a fraction of Littlefinger’s treason, Littlefinger would be cut in half where he stood. That Jorah gets out of this alive is pure plot armor. But we are meant to understand that trusting Jorah/Littlefinger is both dangerous and foolish.

The most cutting of Dany’s recriminations, to mind, is this: “Don’t ever presume to touch me again, or speak my name.” Barristan, for his part, warns: “You’ll never be alone with her again.”

This is a denial of previously granted intimacy. This is disgust, revulsion and pure rejection resulting from the betrayal of her trust.

From a strictly political sense this is harsh, but the added dimension that makes it absolute savagery is that Jorah/Littlefinger, in their own ways, are said to truly love Dany/Sansa. It might just be lust, but...“Don’t ever presume to touch me again, or speak my name” is more than just polite friendzoning. 

Above all, it’s about having enough power to pick and choose who gets to know you, and touch your body, and call you your true name. Dany has this power, thanks to three dragons, Grey Worm, Barristan the Bold, and her general commanding mien. 

Sansa reclaims this power against Littlefinger after escaping Ramsay. Watch her with him Mole’s Town, how she pushes him away in the godswood after BOTB, and then again in the first episode of season seven. She calls him Lord Baelish and declines to spend her free time in his company.

For a long time this kind of control was taken from her by her various minders and jailers. Sandor could never give her this kind of power even if he freed her from her jailer-of-the-moment. She had to take it for herself.

What’s lovely is that when Sansa and Sandor finally reunite, Sansa at last has all this power for herself. And with every opportunity in the world, with a limitless choice of life paths and possible male companions, she will choose the Hound. Romance, bitches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~OH FUCK ME LITTLEFINGER IS TALKING~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Not a child any longer.”

Promise me this, gentle readers: If a man with a nasty goatee ever says to you “Not a child any longer,” you run the fuck a thousand miles away. Just run.

This scene where LF asks why Sansa lied to protect him kills me for two reasons (1) she’s the loneliest girl in the world and it’s so clear to see that her internal experience and the courtesy-armor shell are two totally different personas, and (2) it’s really just a setup to toy with us and show us THE LAST CHANCE. 

FWIW, there’s no way Littlefinger doesn’t have the Hound poisoned or pushed out the Moon Door inside a week if he gets into the Eyrie with Arya and finds Sansa there, but just as a hopeful sucker, you the viewer want Sansa to get away before it’s too late.

If Sansa encounters Sandor at this point, Sansa Sandor & Arya just stay right there under the protection of the Lords of the Vale, and LF gets the legs cut out from under him, and maybe everything is OK. “The pack survives.”

So by Narrative Law it just cannot happen. They have to torture us (especially Sansa and Arya not a little) for another three seasons to make the eventual payoff so much sweeter. But jiminy cricket, this hurts.

He’s right fucking there.

Sandor Clegane is, like, downstairs.

He found her. And it’s just one big Craigslist Missed Connection. Give me something for the pain and let me die.

[SCREAMS INTERNALLY]

Anyway, it’s all fucked, and instead she has only LF to talk to, and she tells him and tells us: “I know what you want.”

[VOMIT EMOJI HERE]

This is the closest the series ever gets to acknowledging the sexual awakening of Sansa Stark that George explores a great deal more in the books.

(In the books, I’m fairly sure that Lysa’s loud sex screaming is when Sansa figures out the double meaning to the Hound’s talk about her singing to him. That’s a big realization. And then she starts having sex dreams about him and deludes herself into thinking they shared an erotic kiss. Even as she is being hunted sexually by Littlefinger, she seems to find solace in sexualizing her relationship with Sandor Clegane. They are both predators, but she only finds one truly threatening. But that’s the books, so we’ll just leave that be bc we’re doing TV right now.)

So Sansa’s with her “uncle” (puke) but he’s a pedo whoremonger molester conman who never stops trying to hump her leg like a horny Chihuahua and she can’t escape and everything her family wouldn’t want for her is about to happen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~A STORY ABOUT A KNIGHT ON A QUEST~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where’s Arya? She’s with the Hound. He’s supposed to be a psycho killer, but he’s...not. He’s funny and vulnerable and empathetic and despite a certain ruthlessness and bloodthirst, he has a code.

“Nothing makes you happy.” --> he gives a damn if she’s happy

“That fleabite’s got you walking a lot slower than you used to.” --> her old man is ailing. Seriously tho, she’s worried.

Because they are a family. But they can’t accept that yet because it’s a fucking mess. So.

“Doesn’t matter. You’re her blood.” Notice how this mirrors Sansa’s phrasing earlier in the episode. “...with my own blood, my Aunt Lysa.”

FIRE AND BLOOD AGAIN AND AGAIN. Sansa, Sandor and Arya are blood of my blood. It is forever just biology. A lady wolf and a lonely alpha-male war dog? I mean...there is really no chance of this not turning out with them fucking. BUT FOR NOW WE MUST SUFFER ALONE.

“Who would enter the Bloody Gate?” “The bloody Hound, Sandor Clegane, and his...traveling companion, Arya Stark.”

THIS IS THE CUTEST BREAKTHROUGH LINE EVAR. Game of Thrones is really a family sitcom, guys. She’s technically his prisoner. But he has fatherly feelings for her. He doesn’t know quite what they’ve become to each other during their journey, so he settles on “traveling companion.”

(I have a pet theory that in season eight when Arya has to explain her relationship with the Hound she will claim him as her “traveling companion” and never tell Jon that the Hound kidnapped her and claimed he only wanted the Stark-girl ransom money.)

BTW, notice how in this scene all of a sudden the Hound starts talking like a normal person and not so surly and adversarial? HE’S SUCKING UP TO THE KNIGHTS OF THE VALE. Yes, Sandor Clegane, Mr. No Fucks Given, gives fucks. He gives all the fucks when it comes to Stark girls. He’ll play nice to get Arya safe if that’s what it takes.

Poor guy. At this point we still believe him to be a Bad Guy, some kind of menace, so we’re all in with Arya’s mocking laugh, but also, this is the basis of his rant to Brienne two episodes following, e.g. “there’s no safety, you dumb bitch.”

On the surface them being told Lysa is dead is funny, because little Arya Stark laughing at the absurdity of the world and at the Hound getting his ass handed to him by life AGAIN, but the subtext is so much darker. They are in big trouble, they are sick and broke, and it’s NOT EVEN HIS KID, and he doesn’t know what to do with her, and it’s so weird that they are together (So! Weird!), and yet he kind of likes being her dad but admitting that feels so jacked up he doesn’t know what to do.

Every plan he’s had has gone to hell. They are desperate. If the Hound ever suffered the neurosis and anxiety of lesser men, this would be the time, even though we’d like to believe he’s impervious to such mortal plagues.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~ A STORY ABOUT DEAD MEN AND CLEGANES ~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Don’t leave me alone in this world.” “No never.”

“Do you know who I am?” “Some dead man.”

I basically don’t care about any of the Lannister or Targaryen or Martell of the titular battle in “The Mountain and the Viper.” I mean, that’s all important, but also who cares. Let’s talk about the monsters of House Clegane instead. 

Let’s take the unlikely position of seeing what we can learn about Sandor from this.

In this arena, today, Oberyn gets killed by a mountain and leaves his family behind to be destroyed by predators.

In a different arena, not so far away, Sandor gets killed by a mountain and leaves his family behind to be destroyed by predators.

So much of this story is based on the raw facts of survival of the fittest: animal communities that suffer the death of their alpha males are extremely likely to be destroyed completely. The attacking lion or wolf or wildebeest or chimpanzee is an aggro testosterone-fueled jackass has one purpose: propagating his own genes at the expense of competing males. So almost without fail, once he offs the competing males, he murders their existing children and takes their women for his own. It’s not worth it expend valuable energy and resources on raising some other dick’s kids. It’s just evolutionary biology.

Ned and/or Robb Stark was the Daddy wolf.

Soon after his death, his woman and children were murdered.

Oberyn Martell was the Daddy viper.

Soon after his death, his woman and children were murdered.

Aerys and/or Rhaegar Targaryen was the Daddy dragon.

Soon after his death, his woman and children were murdered.

SANDOR CLEGANE IS THE DADDY WAR DOG WHO ASPIRES TO STEAL NED STARK’S JUVENILE WOLF DAUGHTERS AND MATE WITH THE HOT ONE TO MAKE HIS OWN HEIRS. IT’S BAKED INTO THE STORY, BUT THE SEXUAL REALITY OF THIS IS SOMETHING WE DON’T LIKE TO CONTEMPLATE IN HUMAN TERMS BECAUSE IT MAKES THE WORLD SO SO SCARY.

George R.R. Martin holds the radical position that humans are animals. 

Please complain to Charles Darwin and/or David Attenborough if you are offended, I can’t change it.

(Tywin Lannister was the Daddy lion. Soon after his death, his heirs/legacy start being murdered. BTW Cersei and Jaime are doomed too. Tyrion will survive b/c narrative law b/c he’s a secret Targ so he escapes. Cersei reflexively hates Tyrion bc she smells that he’s a chimera not a purebred lion. This is also why Cersei is so cranked at Tyrion about kinslaying Tywin: It is not good for the women and children when Daddy gets killed and eaten by his enemies, either of different or same species. And Jaime doesn’t step up because IDK he’s a slow learner or something.)

ANYWAY.

The entire next episode is devoted to the battle for the Wall, which serves as a nice firewall between these two stories in episode 8 and 10 so you don’t notice the connections. But what happens in episode 10?

THE HOUND FUCKING DIES GUYS.

Just like warrior Oberyn dies and leaves Ellaria alone in the world, when the Hound is gone, the Stark girls are completely and totally and hopelessly alone.

But...Littlefinger? 

Nah. Littlefinger is not a person, he’s a walking lie.

But...Jaqen? 

Nah. Jaqen is not a person, he’s a walking lie.

The Hound or Sandor Clegane or whatever you want to call him is Sansa and Arya’s fucking family, even though no one can handle that truth at this point, and losing the Hound at the end of S4 is a blow nearly equivalent to the death of Ned Stark. Arya becomes No One. THAT IS NOT A GOOD THING. And Sansa. Poor Sansa. You know what happens to Sansa.

The Hound didn’t put his dick in Sansa fast enough (because honor and morals and human decency and stuff) so someone else did. I do not approve of any of this, but that’s just canon.

Of all the horrible shit that happens to her, I’m going to argue that being raped out of her virginity by Ramsay fucking Snow on her wedding night in her childhood home while her sexually and physically abused foster brother watches is actually the worst. 

So. Oberyn dies. The Hound dies. What of it?

Death is the enemy, the first enemy and the last. 

If you’re a dead man with no surviving heirs, like Oberyn, you are forgotten quite quickly. That’s also what Sansa reminds Ramsay when she defeats him. The way to “beat death” is to create a legacy that lives on after you: you can make children who allow you to live forever, or you can do something that allows you to live forever. (cf D&D’s movie Troy, wherein Achilles ponders this kind of immortality.) 

Childless GRRM’s immortality is writing ASOIAF.

So the Hound is a dead man, and that leaves his woman and child open for predation. 

So it’s a fucking tragedy, and the Lannisters are at fault, and those girls suffered because Cersei is an amoral dishonorable liar, and you know who else suffered? The fucking Hound.

“I heard a wolf, howling his grief in the rain.”

The bloody Hound, Sandor Clegane, breaks not because he got his ass whupped by Brienne and nearly died, and deserted at the Blackwater and couldn’t fight anymore, but because he’s lost his wife and his daughter and he feels like he failed them and also what are they to him just total fucking strangers that are none of his business. It’s wild, guys. Being apart from them and not keeping them from being beaten and bloodied by the rest of the world is what really destroys him, not falling off a fucking mountain.

It’s hard to tell sometimes, but GRRM is actually a hopeless romantic. You’ll see.

[escailyyy]

Starksgiving in the north

It was a bizarre Holiday in the North when the crippled son in the polyamory relationship actually started to look like their mother's favorite because next to the rest of them, Bran sitting in Meera's lap while holding Jojen's hand didn't even register in Catelyn's 'outrageous' scale. That's how awkward Thanksgiving was. To put it simply, family was family and guest right was a Northern tradition, so everyone the elder Starks considered part of their clan had taken the excuse of Thanksgiving Guest right to introduce their significant others to Ned and Catelyn, mainly because it was the one night nobody could murder anybody else at the dinner table. So far there were two Lannisters, a Targaryen, one Frey, a wildling and the lovechild of Robert Baratheon.... On a scale of one to ten, Gendry, unsurprisingly, was winning the popularity contest. "They like you!" Arya smiled proudly squeezing Gendry's bicep "I knew mom and dad would love you, but it's nice to have it confirmed, I won't need to threaten anybody with bodily harm now" "Your dad offered me a job closer to Winterfell do you think I should take it?" Gendry looked as happy as Arya, in this rag tag group of people it was nice to know he was considered the lesser of all evils "I mean fleabottom gave me my roots but you know me, where you go I go" "Winterfell? With Jory and dad's goons patrolling 24/7" Arya snorted "I would rather move to King's Landing, maybe take up that internship Illirio offered me, no need for you to bend to my dad's orders" "Aww does this mean you're my girlfriend now?" Gendry grinned earning himself a swat in the head from Arya "Shut up Gendry" Arya snorted then she looked at the imp sitting on her left "Hanging in there professor Tyrion?" "Absolutely" Tyrion nodded to Arya before turning to his right "Your father looks like he's on the verge of having a stroke" Tyrion whispered to Sansa from his seat next to her "please tell me he doesn't have heart problems"   "After today he might develop some" Sansa replied in the same hush tone "but didn't worry, he'll adore you once he gets to know you" "Before or after your mother murders me?" Sansa actually paused to think about it "just don't leave my side for the rest of the night and she won't have a chance to get you alone" Tyrion replied something that sounded vaguely like "Thank seven your aunt Lysa isn't here" Across from them Danny sent Tyrion a Targaryen glare "If we get out of here alive Jon, I swear I will burn you for talking me into this" Danny hissed picking her fork up "Your aunt is glaring daggers at me and Tyrion was supposed to bail me out, instead I find out he's here too" "She glares daggers at everyone, don't take it personally, my uncle seems to like you" Jon tried to reason with the love of his life "Also you're not the only one who's wondering what's up with Tyrion and Sansa, I'm feeling so betrayed" "Your uncle just asked me if unionizing the Unsullied was my idea!" Danny grumbled squeezing Jon's hand angrily "What Masters.ltd was doing with them was slavery, of course unionizing them was the least I could do" "At least mom hasn't brought up your exes yet" Robb advised passing the sliced boar to Jon and the peas to Danny "she did with us" "Yes, I know I'm not a successful Surgeon in Afghanistan but Mrs Stark signing Talisa praises as soon as she saw me was the worst" a jaded Roslin agreed sending Danny a sympathetic look "Thanksgiving with Roose and Walda would have been less painful... even accounting for Ramsey" "Relax, Aunt Catelyn is just mad that Robb dumped Talisa and stole Roslin from uncle Edmure" Jon snorted refilling Danny's glass "nothing some ass kissing from Robb won't cure" "Wait really you dated his uncle?" Danny perked up with a new appreciation for her boyfriend's family "He's a hot Uncle" Sansa, Arya and Bran chimed in from across the table "Who's a hot Uncle?" Catelyn snapped momentarily diverted away from her conversation with Sam and Gilly. "Uncle Benjen" Robb and Jon replied at the same time sounding eerily like the younger wolves. Pacified Catelyn muttered a 'cant argue with that' and turned back to discussing Sam's plans to legally recognize Gilly's son as his. "When in doubt, blame it on the lone ranger" Tyrion raised his cup to Jon, On Danny's quizzical look he rolled his eyes "You haven't met Benjen ok, he's like a male Lyanna Stark, all northern attraction with none of Ned's calories" "I would do him" Meera agreed "Who wouldn't" Tyrion muttered before Sansa kicked his chair under the table "I mean..." Tyrion coughed "No Sansa I don't envy Bran or his luck with dating two people of the same family" "And you better stay that way" Sansa ordered with mock seriousness From his seat next to their mother little Rickonn took a picture of Tyrion's puppy face and sent it to Arya with the caption "#totallyWhipped" which made Gendry snicker when he saw it "It's all right we all know some Lannisters have weird family proclivities..." Robb side eyed Jamie who was blissfully pretending to not be hearing the conversation while feeding Brienne some cake and looking at her like if she was his personal Azor Ahai  "How in the world did THAT  one get tangled up with the Queen Bitch? Twincest aside, your brother is a big softie" Tyrion sighed, well at least he hadn't been the one to say it "Honestly his therapist said he has deeply rooted masochist tendencies that makes him feel attracted to blond women who can't wait to beat him up" he clarified after a brief hesitation "apparently it's some subconscious mommy issues" The whole table went "Ohhh" and a few "I knew it" were directed to Jamie, who now was trying and failing to get a blushing Brienne to hold his hand above the table and in plain view of the Stark matriarch "I can't even watch" Tyrion shook his head "have you ever seen a Lannister more besotted?" "I have" Danny snorts raising a mocking eyebrow at him making Sansa blush. Next to Brienne, Jamie discreetly rolled his eyes "Wench this is the first time someone has ever roped me into a party just to make Tyrion look good in comparison" he whispered eying Catelyn Stark, who was per usual sniffing disappointedly whenever she looked at him "usually it's the other way around" "If I had known that was the plan" Brienne said back "I wouldn't have asked you to come, I expected this type of subterfuge from Arya, but SANSA?" The Amazon glared at Jamie "Your brother is a terrible influence on her" "Hey, don't start blaming Tyrion, I'll have you know that before this, my brother never, ever, crossed that line with a student and he's had prettier girls than Sansa try to get into his pants" Jamie returned Brienne's glare "Your saintly princess probably seduced Tyrion with Stark magic, using the direwolf superpowers that made Raegar screw the country for Lyanna" "Heard that" Jon muttered rolling his eyes as he always did whenever anybody implied that his mother had been some kind of super seductress "Still don't believe it" Brienne ignored Jon and was about to retort something when Ned Stark cleared his throat and decided to put the subject of her conversation in the hotspot. "So Tyrion, what are your intentions towards my daughter?" Every single sound in the table died  and Sansa's grip on the imp's hand tightened when all eyes swung to Tyrion and her. But Tyrion pretended that he wasn't totally intimidated by Ned (being a Lannister had it's uses when it came to faking bravado) "My intentions are only to make her happy, Sansa is the most wonderful person I've ever met" "Yes she is and as such she should be treated with care and respect don't you think?" Ned agreed narrowing his eyes "The highest respect" Tyrion resisted the urge to pull the collar of his shirt, did Sansa's dad know about the times he slept over at her condo? Did Catelyn? "Tell me about your job? I heard your profession doesn't pay as much as it used to in this recession" Ned continued lazily, serving himself more turkey. Somebody (Roslin) started to cough what appeared to be a very large bone while trying to hide her laughter, Robb sympathetically patted her back under the glaring eyes of his mother while secretly hiding his own smile. "Which is why I'm planning on retiring from KL.U after this semester and giving my full attention to my position in Targaryen Corporations, we really think that we can do some good in Westeros now that Higharden Grain and Dorne Weaponry are offering Daenerys their sponsorship" Tyrion tried directing the conversation into a topic he was good with. Sansa and Danny gave Tyrion a look that said 'really?' to which the imp nodded "That sounds great let me know when we can propose a partnership between the Wildling foundations, Tormund would love to hear from you" Jon like always was one step ahead but his aunt and uncle were like dogs with a bone "No talking business at the table Jon" Catelyn chided sweetly passing the pumpkin bread Ned wasn't deterred "Speaking from experience a job that earns that kind of gold that requires the average man to spend a lot of time away from their loved ones, what did you say you were planning to do about that again?" Was there no winning with this man? First he implied Tyrion didn't make enough money to support Sansa, then he was spending too much time caring about money? "Targaryen Corporations is a big operation Mr Stark, I assure you that delegating is not hard when you work with a team like ours" he raised his glass to Danny "That one there is the best judge of character I know" "What can I say, I want the best results so I hire the best people" Daenerys agreed "But Sansa is still young, I don't suppose you can keep up with the pace of a university student all the time can you Tyrion?" Catelyn commented smiling at her daughter indulgently "She still has so much of life to explore" "On the contrary I think Sansa is one of the few young people I know who is clear about who she wants to be and where she wants her future to go" Tyrion felt the need to clarify in Sansa's behalf "I'm just lucky enough to be part of that journey" "And I'm lucky enough to have someone smart and witty to share it with" Sansa said warmly not even bothering to hide how happy his words made her. And then because Tyrion was a little shit under pressure he thought up the first diversion tactic he could think of before the Starks could grill him more and threw Jamie under the bus "BRIENNE, JAMIE IS PLANNING TO PROPOSE" he burst out which effectively cut off Ned and Catelyn train of thought "He's what!?" Brienne and (unsurprisingly) Catelyn Stark gasped at the same time Seeing that Tyrion's tactic was working Sansa hurried up to add "Lannister gold with a sapphire... I've seen him practice his speech a couple of times when I pick up Tyrion from Jamie's penthouse" "You pair of cunts! I was planning to make it special" Jamie groaned "you just ruined my life" "Relax Kingslayer, She's going to say yes, it's not like Brienne is not totally in love with you or something" Arya snorted then reconsidered when Brienne suddenly went red and Jamie's sad face turned into a gleeful smile "oh shit you didn't know" "No he didn't! Hell "I" didn't even know until two weeks ago, thank you Arya" Brienne muttered blushing furiously and then because she'd reached her breaking point she took a page out of the Lannister book and turned to Tyrion "Sansa has a a secret collection of Ewok plushies that she keeps in her bedroom because they all remind her of you" Tyrion choked on his wine "wait what? Sansa is that why you said it was okay if I didn't shave?" "Nooo, I swear, ok well, maybe a little" Sansa reminded herself why sharing a condo with Brienne and Arya was the worst idea ever when things like this happened, so out of embarrassment she turned to her sister's boyfriend "Gendry, that Thor shirt you love so much and you haven't found for weeks? You didn't really lose it, Arya stole it from Tobho Mott and uses it to sleep all the time, so saying Bri loves Jamie is like pot meeting kettle" Gendry's face went from quizzical to lovesick in five seconds flat "Aw, Arry you do like to see me shirtless, I knew that's why all my shirts started disappearing" "I don't! And that was private Sansa!" Arya snapped defensively, looking for her own target ( hopefully someone who didn't have dirt on her) and finding it in Robb who really had no business laughing the way he was "Roslin, old Walder didn't have a flat tire on my dad's last name day, he was just to embarrassed to show up with a black eye after Robb punched him bloody for calling you a useless ho" "Maester Tam told me father had to go to the hospital for internal bleeding, I can't believe it was you" Roslin groaned bringing her hands to her face "that explains why Fat Walda is the only one who will talk to me these days" "He deserved it and I don't regret it" Robb pouted unapologetically "besides it's nothing compared to what Jon did to Daario Naharis last week, at least I didn't humiliate someone on national TV out of pure unadultered jealousy" and That's when Robb heard Danny break her wine glass "You said it was a friendly duel on TV Jon, you said that it was all for charity! I knew it was a dick measuring contest goddamit, I should have said no when Daario goaded you into it" Daenerys said mortified, looking apologetically at Ned and Catelyn "I told him it was wrong to use his longsword" Jon who 'just came out to have fun and was now feeling so attacked' really didn't know how Thanksgiving had gotten so out of hand but he knew who's fault it was so he glared at Tyrion "Sansa, Tyrion writes sappy songs about you all the time and plays it in his place when you're not around, it's really sappy, terribly tooth rotting music that would hurt a self respecting male's ears...In case you're wondering why I don't crash at his place anymore" Sansa's face lit up "Tyrion you sing?..." "No way, no, I'm not doing it”

Meanwhile Ned and Catelyn exchanged tired glances as the bickering continued "Where did I go wrong in raising them?" Catelyn muttered taking a sip of wine "Let them be Cat, this is the most entertaining family get together we've had in ages" Ned chuckled thanking the seven for his wonderful family. Yes this was what Thanksgiving was all about, family, honesty and a lot of love...even if his kids were one mashed potato away from a food fight, Ned wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

An: HAPPY THANKSGIVING people that celebrate it, a note about Robb, normally I ship MargaeryxRobb, but Marg is the Type of wife that would make a good political ally while Roslin would actually be more comfortable backing Robb in the middle of a family squabble, because she’s a Frey and really compared to her family everyone is super normal.  So yay for Roslin! If you ship her and Robb, please tell me what’s their ship name.

[allofmystudentsrunaway]

Big Ass fan fic: Chapter five

Usual tags, don’t read if you are offended, think bi people are not people..trigger warnings...this may upset you..

Chapter one is here 

chapter two is here

chapter three is here

chapter four is here

@omgbubblesomg @chibi-lie @winchestergirl-13 @snovolovac @ibelieveinthelittletreetopper @pooffa @bisexualdemondean

The front door was ajar, Chris strode in angrily. She found Dean and Sam in her kitchen, sat at the table, drinking her coffee. At least Sam was drinking coffee, Dean had helped himself to a beer and was sat with his feet on the table.

“You broke into my house!” she shouted at Dean.

“Well nobody answered the door” He replied smiling insouciantly.

“In my defence I told him not to.” Sam interjected holding his hands up.

“Shut up Sam” Chris and Dean said simultaneously. Sam decided it was better to look at his boots.

“Where is Castiel, what have you done with him you bitch?” Dean demanded getting to his feet.

“I’m here Dean” Cas walked in the kitchen, carrying two brown paper bags. “I was getting the groceries from the car.” he added by way of explanation.

“You two have been grocery shopping, while I’ve been sat here thinking god knows what had happened to you, you two have been playing HOUSE?!”

“Well we did visit a witch, but its ok she is Christine’s aunt.”

“You’ve been meeting her family.” Dean shook his head.

Cas grinned “Fyi she is not a fan.”

“Ok, I can’t do this. Sam.”

“Chris I’m sorry we broke in, but I’ve been calling both of you all day. Tell me you would not have been a little concerned.” Sam looked at Chris, with his best kicked puppy expression.

“I turned my cell off” She admitted.

“As did I” Cas, embraced Chris from behind and kissed her cheek. “I’m sorry if you were concerned.”Dean just looked at them in disbelief.

“Is that my leather jacket?”

“So are you two staying the night?”Chris asked, “Or are you planning on dragging Cas home this very moment.”

“We will get a motel.” Dean snorted. Picking up his jacket. Cas looked upset.

“Look there’s not a decent motel until you get back to the city, I have two spare rooms. Please stay.” Chris tried to sound conciliatory, aware that Cas was smiling at Dean hopefully.

“Well I don’t fancy the drive back tonight, I’ll gladly stay.” Sam looked at his brother, “Come on Dean, you can’t really want to drive anywhere else tonight.” Dean looked round at all three of them, and gave up.

“Ok fine, just hope there is enough beer for me to cope with this.”

“Excellent!” Cas began unpacking the groceries, “I’ll cook.” The three humans looked at him shocked.

“Hang on, you cook now?” Dean asked dubiously, voicing what they were all thinking. Cas shrugged at them.

“How hard can it be.”

It was maybe ten minutes into the awkward silence that threatened to go on all night, that Sam decided enough was enough.“So your aunt is a witch?”

“Yeah, though she’s not really my aunty more like my sixteenth times great grandmother, she is the reason my Dad decided to settle here in Louisiana.”

“Wow, that’s kind of cool. isn’t it Dean?” Dean glowered at Sam, behind them Cas was happily chopping vegetables.

“She’s still a witch, I hate witches.”

“She protected my Dad from the BMOL, helped us hide.”

“Do you know what your Dad did that they didn’t like” Sam asked gently.

“No, I just know they wanted us dead. He’d never talk about it, even when he was dying.”

“I’m sorry.” Sam squeezed her hand. Uncomfortable Dean had got up and was prowling the contents of the kitchen shelves.

“Hey who is this?”he asked appreciably holding up a framed photo.

“That is my little sister could you put it back please.” Chris told him coldly.

“I’m sorry, I was just asking.” He still hadn’t put the picture down, Chris crossed the room and snatched it from his fingers, placing it very gently on the shelf, Sam watched his brother with mounting anger. “and who are these cheeky imps” Dean asked picking up another gilt edged frame. Chris took that from him as well, her face unreadable.

“These are my nephews” she touched the picture with a trembling finger, “This is Marcus and the baby was Luke.” Sam realised Cas had stopped chopping and was staring at Dean furiously. The sarcastic smile vanished from Dean’s face.

“What happened?”

“Demon, not quite a year ago. Sarah tried to get out of the life and she did for a while.”

“I am so sorry, I didn’t know. I’m an asshole, ask anyone, Cas will tell you. I thought maybe they were a friends kids.” Sam couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Dean try and back pedal so fast. Gently he took the picture and placed it back on the shelf. “I’m sorry” his brother repeated, then caught Chris in a bear hug, she returned it gingerly, after about thirty seconds Cas coughed.

“Dean, let go of my girlfriend.” Dean relinquished his hold and gave Chris his best ‘naughty boy’ smile. Chris almost laughed, Dean swaggered across the kitchen to where Cas was now frying onions with scientific concentration.

“I got to tell you brother, she smells so good”

“I know like warm honey.” Cas agreed smiling.

“Amen to that brother, and so very hot.”

“You have no idea” Cas told him with a wink and tossed a load of mushrooms into the pan. Dean made a sound half way between a groan and a laugh.

“You are going to tell me everything, Cas.”

“Dean help me choose some tunes?” Chris called to him.

“And she gets better, I’m sorry I doubted you Cas.” he said and clapped him on the shoulder.

“That was pretty damn good.” Dean wiped the last of the sauce off his plate with a crust of bread and chewed it slowly. Cas looked down at his own plate, a half embarrassed, half proud smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Dean dropped his gaze as a familiar feeling washed over him. It was followed by a spike of intense anger when Chris, collecting the plates paused behind Cas and kissed him on the top of his head. She slid her fingers into his shirt for a moment, caressing Cas’ collar bone. She happened to look at Dean, he saw her skin pale, her expression briefly contorted with a spasm of something akin to pain. In response Dean felt his face flush and he forced himself to smile. Chris smiled back and carried the dishes away, but her movements were stiff and the dishes banged loudly against the kitchen counter as she put them down. Dean joined her by the sink as Sam asked Cas about some arcane piece of lore he was reading about on his tablet.

“Chris, I’m sorry about the way I’ve behaved.” he said quietly as he rinsed plates

“I know you are Dean.”

“We are both on the same side here after all. Are we good?”

“Well we both want the same thing, don’t we?.” Her eyes flicked towards the other end of the room. Dean bit his lip and said nothing, Chris took the final plate from him and dried it. “I’m going to lose him, I can feel it. The only question is how.” Dean really saw her then, perhaps the way Cas saw her. A glass with a crack in it, and he did not want to be the one to break her. He took a breath.

“I know, I feel the same way.” Dean admitted, his voice unsteady. He clasped her hand, she squeezed it back and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Should we hug too?”Sam said loudly.

“Dean, my girlfriend remember?” Dean let her go and grinned at Cas.

“Just bonding Cas.”He shared another haunted glance with Chris, and plastered a silly smile on his face. “you want me though, I can tell.”he raised an eyebrow a clear message to ‘play along’.

“Baby, I’d break you.”

“Promises, promises”

“You know this is making me uncomfortable.” Cas said in a slightly hurt tone of voice.

“Well its making me feel like I need a shower.”Sam laughed.

“Just banter boys, ain’t that right Chris?”

“Like I said I’d break you” Chris yawned. “I’m going to bed.” She announced, and walked out of the kitchen, stopping only to stoop down and kiss Cas fiercely. “Are you coming blue eyes?”

“Woah” Sam muttered and shook his head. Cas looked at his friends.

“I’m sorry, but I have to go to bed now.” he told them and shot out of his chair. Dean watched him go nonplussed.  

“Sam, tell me there’s more beer.” At that moment Cas reappeared his shirt was undone, his hair tousled.

“Just an FYI, you may want to turn the music up for the next hour or so” He raised his eyebrows at them and vanished again.

“Tell me he did not just say that..” Dean covered his face.

“Well, he seems happy, you still got a bad feeling about this?” Sam leaned over and turned Chris’ ipod up as the sound of Cas being very happy indeed filtered through the walls. Dean rolled his eyes.

“You know what Sam? I like Chris she seems sweet and I do think she cares about our little tree topper.”

“But?” Sam prompted.

“What kind of life can he offer her really?”Dean squeezed his hands together, and sighed. “Its not like they can live happily ever after, no kids, no growing old together. We’ve seen how this story ends, remember Kelly Kline?”Dean looked at his brother. “And yes, I still have a bad feeling.”

Cas missed sleep, odd how the thing he had found hardest to deal with when he was human, was the one thing he missed the most. At the bunker he used to listen in on Sam and Dean’s dreams, sooth away their nightmares. At least he had until Dean had mentioned how often Cas was a bit player in his night time imaginings, especially that one reoccurring dream neither of them would ever discuss. So he had withdrawn and spent the night hours distracting himself from loneliness by any means necessary. But now with Chris curled in his arms, he wished for sleep, he hungered for it. Just to rest with perfect trust in the arms of his beloved, not his only beloved he had to admit that, but the one who could accept what he had to give without injury. It was no good, he slipped out of bed, pulled on pants and padded silently down the hall.

He paused next to the guest rooms. Sam was curled on his side cuddled into his blanket, pillow scrunched up under his head. Cas smiled it was easy to see the child Sam had been, he seemed to go back to childhood in sleep. He closed the door, the second guest room was directly opposite the first, the door was open and Dean was sat up staring at him.

“Hey, what are you doing Cas?”

“Nothing, did I wake you?”

“No I’ll be honest I’ve not been to sleep yet.”

“Chris is asleep, I was going to sit on the porch. I do that sometimes.” He explained.

“Well, I’ll sit with you, I’m not tired.” He threw off his covers and reached for his jeans. Cas turned away so Dean wouldn’t see the blush that he felt blossoming on his face.

“I’ll see you downstairs.” Cas told him.

Cas sat on the swing seat and stared up at the sky. The far horizon was lit by the distant glow of New Orleans but above him a multitude of stars glittered in the heavens. Dean grunted as he sat down next to Cas.

“Here” he held out a tumbler of whiskey.

“That won’t do much for me.”

“Maybe, but I don’t want to drink alone” Dean had his own glass and the bottle, which he propped up on the step.

“Do you know how many worlds are out there Dean?, how many realms, dimensions and universes?”

“No, do you?”

“No, but I know this reality is cruel.”

“What’s wrong Cas.” Cas looked at Dean and shook his head.

“Choices Dean, that’s what’s wrong.”Cas tossed down the whiskey and held out his glass for more.

“What ever choice I make now I’m going to hurt someone I love, and that is not fair.” Cas laughed bitterly.”I don’t want to choose.”

“why do you have to choose? Look we will get Chris to move into the bunker, we will all be together, it will be fine.”

“No, it will not.”

“Why not Cas?”Cas wanted to shout that Dean knew why not, but what was the point?

“I really do love her you know.”

“Well, you do seem to be having really hot sex, a lot.” This was Dean lightening the mood Cas knew, he went along with it.

“yes we are.”

“You lucky bas-did you hear that?” a door swung shut somewhere, they both froze listening. “The house is warded?”

“Yes Heavily” another sound but from inside this time followed by a shout of alarm.

“That was Sam, come on”

They slipped quietly through the front door and up the stairs and found Sam standing over a body, he had the demon knife in one hand. “Sam what happened?” Dean demanded.

“I don’t know I woke up and this dude was in my room.”

“Where is Chris?”Cas’ blood ran cold.

“I’m sorry I don’t know Cas”

He ran down the hall, to the main bedroom. Dean and Sam a step behind him, he burst through the door. On the bed a demon in a white suit was holding Chris by her throat, she was struggling to breathe.

“Not one move further gentlemen or I’ll crush this pretty things throat.”

“Put her down Asmodeus” Cas growled, his eyes flashed gold.

“My, my what do we have here? Castiel, You been partaking of the garden son?”

“I said put her down.”

“Now why would I do that, when I came here to fetch her?” Chris went suddenly limp and the demon tossed her over his shoulder. Cas howled with rage and rushed forwards, only to find himself held fast. Asmodeus winked “I have to thank you boys, I’ve been looking for this child a very long time, thank you so much for your assistance.” Then he was gone, and so was Chris, nothing remained but the lingering scent of sulphur. What ever spell was restraining them vanished and Cas stumbled forward.

“What the hell just happened?” Sam asked.

“Cas I thought you said the house was warded?”

“It is, or it was.” he looked round the room in shock, “I don’t understand.”

“No me neither Cas.”Dean took his friend by the shoulders, “Just breath, buddy.”

“He was after Chris. Why?” Sam wondered. “And why didn’t he gank us?”

“He was in a rush.”Dean pointed out. Cas was barely listening to the conversation, his mind was a maelstrom of recriminations and dread.

“Dean, I have to find her.”

“No buddy, we will find her, Together. I know you feel like running off and doing some thing stupid, but I need you to focus right now.”

“This is my fault!”

“Cas it’s going to be alright we can fix this. I promise you, Sam and me, we will help you. Right now lets go downstairs, fix the warding and think.” Dean gripped him by the shoulder and steered him out of the room. “Sam take a look around, and check the dead guys pockets, I’ll take care of Cas.”

“Yeah, of course”

It was about 10 minutes before Sam rejoined his brother in the kitchen. Cas was sat the table, staring into nothing. Dean beckoned him over to the other end of the room. “Hows he doing? Sam asked, looking at Cas’ dejected form.

“How do you think?” Sam heard the suppressed anger in his brothers voice, Dean taking all the guilt on his shoulders-again.

“Dean, are you alright.”

“No Sammie, I am pretty far from alright. Why the hell couldn’t she have been a witch or a siren or some other non-complicated problem. Instead of-”

“Instead of what? Dean.”

“Instead of someone I liked, instead of the first girl that our best friend fell in love with.”

“Dean-”

“If I ever see Chuck again, I’m going to punch him in the face, probably more than once.”

“I get that, Dean. But we need to put this aside and do the job in front of us, just like always.”Dean gave Sam a hard stare.

“You know I can hear everything you two are saying.” Cas snorted. Sam sat down next to him.

“I checked the house, every devils trap has been struck through, I’ve fixed the ones I could.”

“The warding is the same.” Cas held up a hand, briefly occult characters glowed on the wall, then faded. “Its distorted, like its been blown apart.”

“So had to be done by a non-demon, the devils traps at least, maybe Asmodeus has a witch on the payroll.” Sam suggested.

“Maybe, I just don’t get why he took her” Dean looked at Cas sympathetically, “I’m sorry man.”

“Because he knows I care about her, that is reason enough for him” Cas sounded so bitter to Sam’s ears, clearly the angel and his brother were in a competition to see who could drown in self pity first.

“Yeah that guy is enough of a douchebag to pull that one.”

“No” Sam interrupted unable to stand the combined pity-fest any more. “This wasn’t about us, guys, this was about her.” Cas and Dean looked at him dubiously, “Look Asmodeus said he had been looking for her for years, specifically her.”

“She’s just a human hunter.” Cas said softly.

“But she’s not is she?. She has that freaky psychic thing, Maybe that’s why he was after her?”Sam watched his brother and the angel digest that information, he sometimes wondered if they were a little slow, or if they were so wrapped up in their own internal dramas that anything outside barely touched them. “So what does Asmodeus need a psychic for?”, the horrified look in Cas’ eyes froze Sam in to silence.

“I can think of about a thousand things and all of them are disturbing” Cas said slowly.

“Come on guys, we need ideas. Sitting here apportioning blame is not helping Chris. How are we going to find her?”Sam tried very hard to hide his frustration.

“He will have her some where warded, so a tracking spell is pointless” Dean pointed out.

“Maybe not, Cas you said to pull Chris out of her dream world, you had to use possession right?”

“Yes, but I don’t see how that helps.”

“So she is carrying around some of your grace?”  

“It would be miniscule, I wasn’t inside her for long”

“well you made up for that.” Dean said with a grin, Sam’s mouth dropped open.

“Dude this is hardly the time.”

“Sorry Sammie just trying to lighten the moment.”

“That tracking spell didn’t work when we tried it on Gadreel.”

“I know but I was thinking, maybe it just needed more power?”

“I think I know who we can ask” Cas said grimly, “though there is a chance she will try to kill me”