#IM THE BLIND ONE. I FIXED IT
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angy that tumblr doesn't add alt text to existing reblogs when the op is updated
#seeing 'undescribed' tags on a version of the post without alt text that circulated early when i added it shortly after drives me NUTS#IM THE BLIND ONE. I FIXED IT#not art
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started stardew valley for the first time. born to remember villager likes and dislikes forced to immediately forget it the moment i take my eyes off thw wiki
#HELP. HEEEELPP <- THE FORGETTER#i have 18 different tabs open and im pretty sure half of them are duplicates. i have not made anything past 5000G i am so cooked#rn im at summer 11 ish?? i cant remember dates in real life either jesus christ GRIPPING THE COMMUNITY CALENDAR WITH MY BARE HANDS#my ass really went into this like “ill just take it easy and go into it blind so i get the newborn baby deer experience" completely ignoran#to the fact that i get anxious disappointing ppl and not having any background knowledge going into smth new. like a FOOL#also the walking speed is just slow enough to make me space out and forget where i was going and what i needed to do head in my hands#ive had to backtrack all over pelican town so many different times im in fucking adhd hell. resource management hell#im saying this like i hate it but its actually pretty fun and engaging when im not gripping my head trying to remember what i was doing#i got linus' 2 heart event and it made me whimper a little. LINUSSS LINUS I LIKE HIM. AND WILLY AND MARNIE THEYRE SO NICEYS#marnie kinda like.. reminds me of my friends mom even her face is pretty similar. shes sweet i like her. also willy calls me lad hes cool#i think im just gonna start a new save and NOT rely on the fucking mixed seed forages bc my ass was too stubborn to buy seeds#i just got sebastians 2 heart event too ughhh ive never had to work so hard for an emo boys approval. but it was satisfying#corn will fix me. its a replenishable summer-fall crop corn has to fucking fix me PLEASE#i also. made a stardew valley farmer. the one im playing as. their name is cosmo they have a backstory and everything im making#him a ref. his backstory is so fucking funny just wait#yapping#diary#puppy plays sdv
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MATTHEW TELL ME LORE ABOUT THE LUXON BEACONS WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THOSE THANGS. WHAT DOES ESSEK KNOW
#if i am 100% sure about one thing it's that Essek Fucking Knows#essentially my theory about essek like. as a character boiled down to a singular trait is that he is#obsessively curious about the world around him to the point where it blinded him for a very long time#he didn't consider the fallout of his actions and i also am not sure if he ever made an escape plan. he was scrambling bad with the m9#he is like 22int smart and im sure a very very good spymaster which is how he got as far as he did but#he latched onto the beacons as a fixed point of like. the reason for his isolation and lack of compassion or empathy for anyone or#anything past the absolute wretched burning need he has to Know. and in a way. doesn't that make him the most devoted to the luxons out#of everyone. do you ever think about it.#it wasn't a sunk cost fallacy until the m9 showed up with a beacon and then he started digging a grave
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my most controversial dndads take is probably that i think code purple was the right decision what who said that?!
#is this a safe space#like i get the whole “billions of innocent people are suffering because of it” thing dont get me wrong but like.#billions of innocent people were *already* suffering?#and to my understanding code purple was put in place to make it easier and faster for the kiddads#(the only people who are capable of making things better mind you)#to fix things??#and also just me personally.#if i had to choose between two worlds to make endure The Horrors#im sure as FUCK not choosing the one that has ALL OF MY LOVED ONES AND *CHILDREN* LIVING ON IT#idk man#i feel like its very easy to judge them after the fact but we need to start looking at their decisions as being made by people who from#the age of 12-13 on had to live in a literal fucking apocalyptic setting#like you’d wanna get rid of that and especially you’d wanna save your own kids from having to live through that too#but its very possible im blinded by my love for lark and sparrow#and also i havent listened to recent episodes so i very well could be wrong on details so 🤷#grain of salt or whatever#lark and sparrow#dndads#dungeons and daddies#dndaddies#sparrow oak garcia#sparrow oak swallows garcia#sparrow oak#lark garcia#lark oak garcia#lark oak#the oaks#kiddads
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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mannnnnnnnbb fuck November I’m so tired of feeling lonely in my own life.
#lee’s bullshit#even being in [redacted] will not save you from the depths of November#trying to remind myself things are always changing and I can’t stop putting myself out there but I am tired.#what I am doing clearly is not enough in any respect and I am tired of feeling so worn to the bone all the time.#huge social miss today at the function. woke up late and ruined the schedule. couldn’t make a clear decision on dinner.#haven’t found a replacement roommate. haven’t finished my portfolio. haven’t applied to internships. haven’t finished my final project.#behind on everything and with every step I take I get pulled further and further backwards.#my roommate is graduating early and i feel like it’s my fault.#i shouldn’t blame myself for someone else’s bad behavior but im still beating myself up for being a cause for it.#my other roommate wants to move out to live on her own next year.#also blaming myself for that even tho its always on me to fix the mess of housing every damn semester#I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m not doing enough and even when I am that it just simply doesn’t matter.#saw one of my friends today but only for an hour. texting the group is like sending a blind pigeon out in a gale.#I know that things will get better but it’s just so hard . if someone genuinely asked how I was doing I could cry on the spot.#none of my friends are close enough anymore not at home not at school not in my family. there’s nowhere to go.#just tired. Going to go to bed soon. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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guys don’t worry, aziraphale is just in his zuko arc
#the way joanie and i have been screaming in dms for like an hour#but y’all—#it’s the way that he’s getting everything that he thought he ever wanted and will come to learn that it isn’t at all what he thought#im going to be the number one aziraphale protector#heaven has severely brainwashed his perception of good#he’s so naturally good-hearted but since they go against gods plan.. he thinks he must be bad#like just look at his recation after saving job’s kids!!!#for him… this offer is like someone reaffirming him ‘you are a good being. you are not evil.’#and this idea has blinded him to what crowley actually wants#throughout the season crowley has been doing good things (because that’s just who he is)#but aziraphale sees it as the angel in him basically wanting ti be free#he probably thinks that them both being angels is the best way they *can* be together#and thinking back to their conversation about loneliness.. he probably feels that he is giving crowley a community by giving him an in#with the ‘good guys’#he doesn’t realize that all crowley ever needed was just aziraphale#aziraphale has always been enough!!!!#and just..#UGH.#ITS SO CLEAR HOW HES ALREADY HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ON THE DECISION BUT IS TRYING SO HARD TO CONVINCE HIMSELF THIS ID RIGHT#HE THINKS HE CAN FIX IT FROM THE INSIDE#PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH HIM… HES JSUT GOING THROUGH HIS ZUKO ARC#good omens spoilers#good omens
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I'd like to meet the creator of mini blinds. I just wanna talk!
#easy to install is subjective and anytime i have to deal with these stupid things i get so damned mad#when we owned our house we didnt have any blinds. not a one. they break. they are a safety hazard for pets and children#they are a pain in the ass to clean. they are ugly! THEY ARE UGLY AND BORING#there is an entire world of textiles and im being forced to put plastic nightmares up#bc the landlord doesnt like any deviation from their bland hoa aesthetic#but wont fix the broken siding on the side of the house. but my blinds are a problem???#the witch speaks#i want to own again so bad. but ive pretty much made peace with the fact that will never happen. sigh
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i wish i could have a silly little day on tumblr but I have to read my 80 page HOA document to see if the boomer condominium overlords will ALLOW me to get my new dishwasher (that i bought on black friday like a true, miserable adult marching towards death) DELIVERED AND INSTALLED on the 23rd as expected or if I have to cancel the delivery because there are too many rules for me to abide by and my soul is simply too tired to jump through the necessary hoops to comply.
#i cannot stress enough do not buy a home with an HOA#i have a condo in LA so it was unavoidable but if you can avoid it by all means please save yourself#they wont even let me change my fucking BLINDS because the windows belong to the outside word I guess and not to me#guys i am an idiot and i only skimmed the HOA docs while i was buying the home#because i thought the only relevant thing to me was the pet policy#when i found out a few weeks after i moved in about just how many rules there were I cried my eyes out#the worst is there is always some elderly woman with nothing better to do than be the HOA police#speaking of dishwashers have you noticed they all fuckign SUCK im hoping this one i bought doesn't suck#my last word of advice is that word on the street is to NEVER buy a samsung refrigerator#i mean its hard tho cause they look so cool....u know.......#they come in so many colors.....................like pink#.................its so.................................tempting.............................#but apparently they break and theyre like impossible to fix and its like a horrible waste of money.........#but i cant help but be like.......................but what if that DOESNT happen to me?????????????#like what if samsung got their shit together and i can just have a really cool pink refrigerator#guys im fucking rambling because im procrastinating reading the HOA doc lord HELP me
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love planning out an entire video game that will take me years of learning to get started on making.
#well! you start somewhere‚ i suppose.#it's a meta game that takes inspiration from bad end theater‚ deltarune‚ there is no game and oneshot ^^#we have stereotypical characters carrying out a stereotypical rpg when - oh no! the villainess stepped out of the generic conclusion by/#/almost winning. that's not right! so the program has glitched.#one existential crisis later‚ the heroine‚ sidekick and villainess team up to go on an adventure within the players computer.#and what do you know‚ going on a journey with your destined enemy sure does wonders for self-reflection!#that's the basic idea‚ at least. i've written out the basic plot and am currently working on the characters.#simply‚ they will in the first part be perfectly stereotypical and generic characters that fit their archetypes.#when they begin to journey together instead of against each other‚ they will realise many things and grow as characters‚ figuring out/#/things about themselves they were previously blind to‚ fixing their flaws and changing for the better.#how lovely. how lovely. i cannot wait to make this one day in the future#im also quite fond of the characters in their grown states when they gain a personality beyond their destined archetype#and also. heroine and villainess discover lesbianism and sidekick discovers aromanticism. peace and love on planet earth#🌙rambling#🌙farglitch
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no because i get so stuck on how endless everything feels, how life is so long and these horrible habits i have now are part of my life story forever but
life is so long. every little good choice i make will add up. i don’t have to fix everything today, it can take time
#idk if it’s the capitalism or the time blindness or what but there’s very much an innate must be doing must be fixing must be winning#and like. it doesn’t work for me. it doesn’t help me#i just need to take my steps slowly and let progress come with me#the big picture doesn’t have to be so scary#this is literally just cause I went ‘i keep being so overwhelmed by how many relatives I want to call and calling no one. if I just break it#down and call one person a day (a) that’s better but (b) I’ll actually get to everybody eventually rather than not talking to anyone#i really want to just become someone who talks to people#like. the glue in my family if you will#like I want to just be like. hi aunt so and so. yes it is weird I’m calling you. but we haven’t talked in forever and I wanted to know how#you are. okay great ten minute conversation im gonna call you again in two weeks#and then whenever I’m with family and they’re like ‘what’s so and so up to’ I’ll actually know#cause I’ll talk to people. that’s the kind of person I want to be#and the only thing stopping me from being that person is me#yes my family doesn’t do that and it will be weird and awkward and. painful at first#but if I kept at it. think of all the lovely relationships I could build#also need to dedicate more time to my friendships!!!#responding to texts!!!#but like it’s hard#i need my adhd meds for any of these things to be more than just plans#but I have a doctors appointment in two days#and I won’t even be out of other meds yet 😎
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awww.... there goes my lazy mutation for almost guaranteed full health at the end of biomes 😔
#I do get why theyre nerfing it cuz its wayy too easy to regain health if ur familiar w shield timings.. i havent needed flasks in forever#but sometimes i just wanna get to late stage biomes without caring if im playing a bit sloppy so its nice to have an easy heal mut#I always switch it out before bosses anyway but still.. there she goes ty for ur service 🫡#this is like when they released that update years ago that nerfed gastronomy so it only upped healing by 65% instead of 100% LOL#gastro used to be my go to 3rd survival mut but after that i switched to wdky.. ill probs stick w blind faith or spite now#the other tweaks n bonus stuff in the alpha sound exciting tho im buzzed#hope they fix the on the tin achievement bc its so bugged.. ive done it twice + it still hasnt registered but its the last one I need!!#dead cells#.diaries
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my theme has nested posts instead of stacked posts and it is Driving Me Crazy
#you get like one letter at a time if there's sufficient reblogs on a post and its horrible unusable and bad. how do i change this. i can't#find anything. i've searched high and low and i cant find a single fucking thing that'll just tell me how to change this#i don't want an entirely new theme i just want to fix my current theme#its perfect it looks great. except this One Fucking Thing arrrrrrgggghhhh#i don't know html i don't know css im am flying blind here (blinder than would be normal for me. a blind woman.)#aslkfj;aslkf but seriously what the fuck do i do#am i just going to have to redo my whole theme....... again....
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I am going to end up on the 6 o'clock news.
#if I don't hear back from this roofing company one more time im going to become a karen and i really hate that thats the mindset im in#i am so serious#I don't want to find another company because these people were the ones that came out the first time so they should be the ones to fix it#“oh heres the solution thatll be $1500. oh its leaking again? im dropping off the face of the planet.”#and every time i find a new company it takes weeks for them to even call back for an inspection#im fucking tired.#i should not dread to come home#but every time i know its going to rain i DREAD being here. i dont want to go in my room and see the ceiling thats trying to cave in#I don't want to spend the night listening to water dripping from too many places at once#the other night it started to rain and my fan blades were clicking and i had to turn it off because it was making me paranoid#i just want to live in my house in peace#ive been trying to get this fixed for 6 months now#why is it so hard to find a company that will LISTEN#at this point i would rather a company just say “well you're going to need a whole new roof” than give me the run around one more time#because nobody is willing to come out while its actively leaking and figure out where its coming from#im calling you WHILE its raining so that someone can figure this out RIGHT NOW instead of blind guessing#its supposed to storm again tonight and i feel so nauseous thinking about the damage#okay im done
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Even just half-heartedly looking for work as someone who is legally blind, autistic, with no highschool diploma, GED, or degrees and who can't leave the house is a very specific kind of let-down and disappointment that just really makes a person depressed.
#irl#vent#suicidal ideation#i am a money sink and a financial burden and trying to look for ways to fix that turns up nothing!!!#society abandons those who cannot work!!! and i sure do seem to be unemployable!!!#like#i would need a work from home job that doesnt require a highschool diploma ged or a degree that i can do as someone who is legally blind#at the LEAST#even just being a cashier at pet smart requires a fucking highschool diploma!!! and i cant even do that sort of work anymore!!!#i dont have any fancy little talents or areas of expertise either!!! i cant code i suck at source work i cant do graphic design!!!#what am i supposed to do#can someone just like put me down like a sick animal or smth at this point#because i feel like all i amount to at this point is a burdensome and childish good for nothing waste of space#and an additional source of stress and disappointment for everyone who has ever cared about me or had hopes for my future#sincerely feel like everyone who knows me would be better off if i were dead#no one would have to take care of me then - theyd be free of any burden i put on them#hell considering how few people i talk to and how little o do talk to ones i DO talk to they probably wouldnt even notice i were gone#and once they did they probably wouldnt be upset for long at all if they would be upset to begin with#my partner would be free to find a smaller more affordable place to live or could even get a car and live in it as he thought of doing#before if i werent around being a little needy whiny bitch#seriously whats even the fucking point#im so tired of just...fucking everything.#i dont talk about it much but i really do just feel like shit all the fucking time man#and i feel so fucking powerless and like i have no control of my life too#should probably be in therapy still but i just know theyd force me into the psych ward again#not that talk therapy would do shit for me anyways tho#i dunno#im tired and sad and hopeless and i just wanna go to sleep and not wake up again#not that it matters or anything though lololol
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