#I've still been doing a few things offline to try and Be a Human a little bit

[elliscousland]

I have been feeling icky mentally & physically the last few days so I've just kind of been keeping to myself. I'm thinking I might get on discord later tonight but I've been almost entirely off of it for the sake of my sanity

[thefaiao]

Hi, firstly I just wanted to say that I love your art, especially with the way you use dynamism and angles in character sketches. It's really beautiful and I always look forward to seeing more black and white pieces from you.

I just wanted to ask, as a beginner artist whose been drawing on and off from 2017 onwards and hasn't seen much improvement, are there any resources or books you would recommend for someone still trying to grasp form and shape? Especially in creating 3d forms with line? I'd love to be able to draw characters in a similar way that you do but my cubes and cones never seem to come out correctly and humanoid shapes are even tougher. Thanks again for sharing your art.

Hello! Thank you very much for the compliments. Up until somewhat recently the B&W pieces were my favorite things to draw, so I get you. I did fall in love with coloring eventually though.

Alright, there are lots of things that can be done. I have had some classical training, and done human figure studies live, but honestly not nearly as much as I probably should have. You definitely should still do figure study as much as possible, especially in person. I'm just prefacing to say it may not get you to draw the way I draw I suppose, as its only part of what I've done to improve my drawing ability.

There are a few good resources to start with, notably the Loomis method, which a lot of artists use as a base. That's how you should use it too, ideally. It's not about copying his work exactly, it's about understanding just how the human body is proportioned, and adapting it from there. It doesn't have to define your thinking, it's just a good guideline. It's possible to structure a body quite differently than Loomis (and there are many many books for that), but the truth, which is, the proportions of the human body, is still there in all mindsets. Once you understand that, you can understand the reason for each approach, and even forego them to express something more unique, abstract and visceral.

The biggest thing you should do though, is always be observing the world around you, both online and offline. Figure studies are nice but they remove one of the most important things, and that is context. I find that people who will use those large libraries from people who pose professionally with bows and swords and the like will often draw technically impressive images, but they still feel like a fake pose. It doesn't feel like the person is holding onto the weapon like their life depended on it, or like they have a relationship with the object, that they pose and move in a certain way that reflects their personality. Live study with strangers helps rectify this somewhat.

Online you should also be following lots and lots of different artists! Don't limit yourself, pay attention to how they construct their drawings, how they go about things. It's important you follow a lot of people, see how they evolve. They are not only a point in time, they are also learning and evolving just like you. It's especially good if you can have artists friends to draw and share stuff with. I have a deep-seated belief that we draw art for others, to express ourselves to them, so they need to see it.

It may sound weird for me to say if you want to draw like me try to draw unlike me, but I'm just saying what I've done. I follow a lot of people and draw from a lot of places. Ultimately the main appeal of my forms is their dynamism and volume as you've said, but it's good to be versatile so you can always explore new avenues!

Now, you've done all these things, you are practicing them constantly. Now is the most important part. Keep drawing!!! Just keep drawing no matter what, no matter how bad you think it looks. You have to believe you have something to say, to express, no matter what. You say you haven't improved, but I don't believe you! Maybe you are faster, maybe your technique is better, maybe you have better habits, maybe you are a little more patient. There are a million ways to improve which don't even appear in the image. You have to keep drawing, NO MATTER WHAT!!! You have to believe you were born to do this and you will do it well, don't worry about what others think.

I can only draw such dynamic forms because I have kept drawing and masticating and elaborating this idea that is called my style. When you are drawing you are developing your own little language, and only when you are fluent you can start writing good books with it. Being fluent will take many years, you must accept that. If you take breaks, take breaks so you can keep drawing later. Take care of your health so you can keep drawing. You will only get to see your drawings become beautiful if you live long. To live a long and healthy life is to keep drawing.

That is my ultimate advice really, let that frustration build up, but keep drawing anyway. You will force yourself to find solutions to release that frustration as you do so, and improve. Maybe it's simple, but it's the only thing that is true no matter what. Don't worry about AI or whatever, none of that matters. Just keep drawing!

[my-writings-and-musings]

(Spoilers for TFE if you haven't seen the newest episode!!!) Could you do a bot! reader x bumblebee, where instead of him she got sent out to find grimlock and ended up getting her energon stolen, instead of his? Thank you!!

I've seen them and I definitely like this idea! I did a little one shot after the fact, I hope you like it anon!

For those who don't know; if you like my writing style you can always commission me!

The last thing you remembered was trying to transform when a wave of exhaustion had taken you offline, the impact of fighting for days without rest finally taking its toll and forcing your battered frame into an emergency stasis after you'd been sure the kids were safe. Recalling the young Terrans and their human siblings brought a flash of alarm to your processor, forcing it to boot up completely as protective programming took control. Only the considerable pain lingering in your battered mesh kept you from flying off the berth you found yourself on, rooting you to the spot with a groan as you settled for cracking open your optics.

A servo was laid over your own as soon as you caught a blurry yellow figure overhead and at your side, but you didn't need the visual to clear before a familiar voice allowed you to identify them.

"Thank Primus you're awake!" Bumblebee said with emphatic relief, his other servo dipping beneath yours to tightly grasp it. Even as the fog of your injuries and long overdue nap kept you from fully catching up to the moment, your worried grimace softened to a smile at his touch, much of your fear evaporating at his presence. The Scout began fretting over you as soon as his wide blue optics met your own. "Does anything hurt? How are your energon levels? We've got you on a drip, but I can top you off."

"I'm fine…" you promised, despite not having the energy to stand. Flinching at the pain of speaking, you brought a spare servo to your throbbing helm, closing your optics before a quick glance around the room increased your confusion. The small medical bay was not Philadelphia, and more resembled one of the many secret safehouses the Autobots had scattered across the globe. "How did I get here?"

"The kids had to tell their parents about their little field trip. Lieutenant Malto called Optimus, and he arranged for you to be brought here. Ratchet just left, he said you'll be fine after a few days." Bumblebee explained thoroughly, going down your list of concerns as only a bot who knew you as well as he did could. The news helped you relax, but the lingering sting of the energon draining needles that had pierced your mesh made you need a touch more clarification. 

"So the kids are okay?" you asked. When he nodded in confirmation, you returned his hold on your servo with a sigh of relief, thankful that the young ones had gotten out unscathed. Things had been dire in the city's depths, and even after they'd beaten Mandroid you'd been too exhausted to ensure they were safe, a fact that ate at your spark. The pain of not being able to protect your young charges was worse than anything you'd endured in the ring.

"Yeah. I got the summary from Twitch." Bumblebee said with a nod, dropping his gaze and revealing you weren't the only one suffering from regrets. His grip on your servo tightened, thumb sliding across the back of your palm as shame filled his voice. "I knew I should have been the one on that mission…"

You could have predicted he'd blame himself for your injuries. Considering what had happened with Breakdown only a few weeks prior, you weren't surprised the mech was still reeling with guilt, especially as you hadn't had a chance to speak with him in person. "Bee-"

"I'm the one who got caught!" he interrupted, confirming your suspicion as he directly referenced the fateful race that had exposed him to GHOST. Tears filled the corners of his optics as he continued before you could summon the strength to stop him. "I'm the reason we have to work apart for now. If I'd been there, maybe-"

"Maybe you would have been drained, and then we'd be in the same boat, if you could even guarantee we'd be that lucky." you interrupted as forcefully as your aching frame allowed, briefly sitting upright to make your point despite the pain and exhaustion dragging you down. Bumblebee was shocked into silence by your words, though his expression shifted to one of concern when you flopped back on the berth with a hiss of discomfort. Keeping one servo under his, you lifted the other to cup his cheek, calming him and yourself with the long missed contact. "I'm just happy to see you again. Let me have this…"

"I can do that." he sighed softly, returning your hint of a smile as he leaned into your touch. The weeks the two of you had been apart felt like eons, and the Scout took his time savoring your presence, angling his helm to place a small kiss in your palm before he whispered in thankful relief. "Primus, I missed you so much…"

[yoonia]

Last Line Tag

Tagged by @lo1k-diamonds | thank you so much, love! And I know that I was tagged by a few others before while I was offline or on break so I guess here it is lol

Rules: Share the last line you wrote and tag the same number of people as the words in the line.

I have a few WIPs opened which I've been working on back and forth today, so I'll share from each one. Maybe I should share a bunch of snippets/longer lines instead while I'm at it to make up for my absence lately:

From Bedroom Hymns [myg]

“There you are, little dove.”  You briefly close your eyes, relishing on the shudder that his deep voice brings. This isn’t an imagination, you muse to yourself as you open your eyes to see Yoongi walking across the bridge. The white mist formed by the flowing water beneath him breaks away with each step that he makes.   “You’re late.” Too many long days, three different trips late. “I almost believed that I wouldn’t be so lucky to see you today before I leave.”

From Ever A Never After [ksj; jjk]

You suck a deep breath, and Seokjin has no idea why the sound you make pierces straight deeply into his chest. Then you make it worse when you speak with an innocent, helpless voice of yours, “Anyway, you are right, Sir. I don’t have anything with me. I left all my gold coins back home, since I thought I wouldn’t be needing it today with the ceremony and all.”  Again, dread fills his chest. “Gold coins,” he groans under his breath with a grimace. He closes his eyes, trying to find that sense of calmness deep inside him once again before it slips away. “All right. Breathe.” 

From Hot Mess [kth]

“Thank you for your concern,” he says, “though I’d much prefer to discuss them with you. Preferably in private, where we can be thorough.”  Somehow, his request unpleasantly tickles your brain, and the sour mood you felt returns. But you hide it with a forced smile and an overly sweet voice when you speak to him again. “I wish I could. Unfortunately, I’m going to need to do some minor adjustments with our setup today and I would like to get things ready before we can start taking photos.”  “I see. That’s a shame,” he mutters with feigned remorse. “Then I guess I’ll have to wait until later to see you.” 

From Chance Encounter [DPR Ian]

“What are you doing to me?”  “Returning the favour,” he says, giving you a quick kiss on the lips before turning away. “You’ve been driving me crazy lately, so it’s time to make you feel how I’ve been feeling.” His words fade into a deep grunt as his lips descend, pressing against your chin before he starts kissing down the column of your throat. 

From Blood Moon Rising [pjm]

“You—”  Pulling himself up from the crashing waves, Hyun positions himself behind a pointy rock to hide as he shifts back to his human form. Only partly, however, as only his long legs appear to replace the fishtail, leaving the twin rows of his sharp fins still visible on his skin, blending into the skin of his thighs.  Lowering one knee on the ground, Hyun remains behind the rock to conceal his nudity. A brief moment passes before he slowly lifts his head. His eyes are glowing in silver as he returns Lani’s soft gaze, the gill slits appearing on the sides of his neck and lower ribcage are pumping with every breath that he takes as he slowly adjusts being on land. His hands, still in the form of a pair of talons, rest over his bent knee as he formally greets the Vampire before him.  “My name is Hyun, the son of Hirae, the former head priest of Siren’s Den,” he introduces himself with a deep voice, soft snarls coming out with each word. His sharp dagger-like teeth peek through the seams of his lips as he speaks. “I was sent here by Lord Jimin to retrieve you, Lady Lani.” 

From Alpha's Inferno [knj]

A mate bond is maddening simply by being present. This bond, awakened after a long period of time, has continued to grow stronger, binding their souls together before they even have any chance to fight against it.  “Why are you fighting it, Alpha?” the pretty vampire asks him, and Namjoon can already feel his resolve dwindling at the sound of her voice. He makes no move as Lani steps closer, her movement graceful and slick. Like a predator, yet enticing and captivating at the same time that he cannot look away. “Is it because I’m one with the enemy?”

(from the two last snippets, I think it becomes obvious why I keep saying I needed to write these two together lol)

Tagging some friends: @beomcoups @shadowkoo @caelesjjk @taegularities @bangtans-momma and whoever wants to do this. tag me so I can see what you're working on :')

[shingekinomyfeelings]

Okay, so. This has been occupying a lot of my thoughts recently, and while it feels like it should be "cringey" or whatever to confess this on a semi-public platform, I think I should just suck it up and admit that I've been feeling really lonely and socially disconnected.

I really just do not thrive without conversations and sharing silly events as they unfold, and bouncing ideas back and forth, and having a few people to chat with throughout the day - and, more embarrassingly, feeling like there are people, even just a few, who actively want to hear from me and have me around. Yuck, right? I don't know why it feels so gross to say it outright. I've always been the first to remind people that humans are hardwired to be a social species and that social feedback is naturally what informs our behaviors and our perceptions of ourselves. I'm awful at taking my own advice, though, so I figure I'll try actually doing so.

Now, at the time, I'm a bit cut off from seriously pursuing making friends in person, for an assortment of personal reasons I won't be getting into. I'm actively working on it, but in the meantime, my social life is distressingly limited to the internet.

But you know what? I used to be great at making friends online. It doesn't seem like I still am, though.

I won't lie, testing the waters by asking if my mutuals/followers find me unapproachable and the most popular answer being that people on here really have no idea who I am and have no particular opinion about me one way or another made me a lot sadder than I thought it would. Like, damn, am I overlooked as a result of an uninteresting personality, or an off-putting aura, or simply because I've come into the habit of keeping things about my offline life vague on here?

Talking about personal, real-life matters on here feels wildly inappropriate for some reason, and I'm not sure there's a workaround for that, because it seems like just part of tumblr culture.

I'm naturally super chatty in a comfortable setting, though, especially in a small group - but I'm not as good at approaching people as I used to be, and then, to paraphrase a quote from my own fanfic like a gigantic nerd, I end up feeling like I'm not approached by other people because I'm either entirely too much to contend with, or just not enough to be someone who seems worth engaging with.

Also, let's be real, I can't help feeling that being older than most of tumblr's user base inherently sets me out on the fringes.

I had meant to keep this a bit shorter, so let me get to the point:

I really do want more friends to interact with and share things with! Actually, you know what? 'Want' isn't strong enough. I really need more social connection.

I don't know how many of you reading this are also feeling lonely and wanting/needing to expand your human interactions, or even how many people will actually read this, but I'd like to put it out there that if you want to get to know me or form a powerful secret society with me and a band of others, I'd probably be thrilled to hear from you. You're more than welcome to reach out, even if your nerves only let you do it anonymously.

I know I've admitted that I'm not the best at maintaining one on one conversation with someone I've only just begun talking to, and that still holds true, but... eh, building genuine connections does take time, and I certainly have plenty of time.

So, this is a general invitation to those who might need or want one. Let's Friendship is Magic this shit up.

[ketsubankoya]

I don't know what to do with myself.

Once upon a time, I was a medium-grade fanfic writer. I wrote fanfiction for Sailor Moon, which was already past its golden age but still had a good amount of life in it. I belonged to a few online communities and built a solid following, along with a number of long-lasting friendships with great people.

In the mid-2000s, I faded out of online fandom for two reasons. I burned out on writing after forcing my way to the end of a fanfic that had ended up being way longer than I'd ever intended, and I got involved in offline fandom. Primarily staffing conventions and events. Again, I poured everything I had into a community that meant the world to me.

It was the best and worst thing I've ever done. I grew into a stronger, more capable person, and helped bring cherished experiences and memories to thousands of my fellow nerds. I met amazing people, several of whom were instrumental in keeping me alive when my brain spent a few years trying to kill me. And yet, all human constructs are dumpster fires. Problematic people are everywhere. Whatever beautiful thing you're involved in, eventually it will go wrong. Things will get ugly, and whatever you loved will become unrecognizable. And I burned out again, and had to step back from that world.

So now, here I am. Trying to figure out what kind of life I'm going to have next. I've been indulging in several hobbies I haven't had time for over the past 20 years. But I feel adrift. I've always had trouble dedicating myself to any hobby enough to get good at it, but it's been a long time since I felt real fire for anything that lasted longer than a flash.

I've been struggling with this for several months at this point. I've been painting, I've been writing, I've been streaming, I've been redecorating, but I haven't gotten particularly far with any of them. Today, I'm realizing that as much of an introvert homebody as I am, I need community. I need connection with others doing the same things, and feedback from people who consume what I produce. Creating for others is instrumental to my motivation for doing anything.

It's frustrating, and sad. We should do things for ourselves, and for the pleasure of doing them, not for an audience, right? I don't know if I've ever in my life made anything with no intent to show it to anyone. I need the value found in sharing my efforts with others. So now I'm here on Tumblr, after carrying around an unused journal since last August. And after trying several other social media platforms in an effort to connect with people. I can't be productive in a vacuum.

What now? I've been strongly attracted to the thought of being a content creator lately. What kind of content, I don't know (see aforementioned list of hobbies). But there's another problem, when it comes to that. I'm not a creator. I'm not really a writer, or an artist, or any of those things. Everything I've ever made is either derivative or garbage. Every. Single. Thing. I make things, but I don't actually create anything.

There's an odd agony in wanting so badly to create something, but not actually being a creator. I keep waiting for the perfect hobby to pop up, but I don't have what it takes to seize that opportunity even if it were to arise. So I'm sad, and empty, and idle.

I don't know what to do with myself.

[basingstokemercury]

Think I've finally put my finger on the thing that bothers me most about this whole genetic engineering storyline.

(The following may sound rather arrogant, I'm trying to be factual about it though)

I was a gifted kid. I am a highly intelligent adult.

I'm very creative, able to see connections and put information together in ways that aren't always obvious to others. I love solving logic puzzles and picking up on small details to draw a cohesive picture. I adore mystery stories, for the same reason.

I'm not a human computer or even good at the calculating side of maths, though I love the theories and ideas behind it. I do read genetics and neuroscience textbooks for fun though.

I tend to infodump about topics that interest me when given half a chance - the non-G&S fans in my offline life can probably attest to this, as the internet isn't always sufficient to vent my fascination with small fandoms.

Social cues in general - when to talk, whether someone's interested in my company - have never been my strong suit.

And I find it very hard to sit still for long periods of time, always needing to do something with my hands or sometimes walk around and feel a space.

I can get along with people who don't share my nerdy traits or interests, but it does sometimes get frustrating when I feel like we just can't connect intellectually. Interacting with people who really get me in those areas, when I find them, feels amazing.

So when a character turns up in a show who shares just about all of these traits (except for being extroverted and a much better person overall), it's impossible for me not to get instantly attached. We even have the same expression when focusing on a speaker and trying to look intent.

It's incredibly exciting to see a character who reminds me of myself so much, and whom I can identify with to this extent! Of all my favourite fictional people, here's one of the few I think I could actually form a positive connection with if he were real!

And then they say "No. This isn't natural. He's Different and Weird. Oh and he can just calculate anything in his head because that's what smart people do."

Great. Lovely. Having a conflict around how people like that aren't seen as human doesn't change the fact that you wrote it that way! You created a universe in which a man whose personality and interests remind me of myself so much is singled out as being the way he is because he isn't normal!

What does that say about me and viewers like me, who were so excited to see themselves represented? How do you think I feel seeing that you can't think of a backstory for someone like me that doesn't involve explaining why they're like that, as opposed to how them being like that affected them?

I think this is really the center of why this whole thing and the way it's handled makes me so uncomfortable.

The story they're trying to tell now, (putting aside mental illness handling), about this highly gifted character finally meeting people on his level and connecting with them differently than with "normal" people - it would be so relatable to me, and I'd love it! If they came at it from that angle, and not from "these people are so smart because Bad Science, they have their little smartness cult, isn't that creepy?"

As it is, I just feel like someone's trying to write about my experience from the outside but really doesn't understand how to get that experience across without dehumanising the people who have it.

[always-andromeda]

Time for a little talk. Skip if you don’t feel like reading. I just wanted to get some thoughts out because I’ve been seeing a lot of fatphobia pop up on my dashboard and I just got some comments that reminded me of it all.

TW: discussion around fatphobia, mention of EDs (nothing graphic), disgusting comments from a disgusting individual.

So a few months ago I made this silly little post:

Essentially, that day I got a load of OOTD videos from a plus size influencer on my for you page. And I was saddened to open the comments on every single one and see that the top comments were all insulting, unfunny comments about this woman who was simply just. Standing in front of a camera. Striking some poses. Showing off her outfit.

However. The other day, I got some particularly gross comments on that post:

Now let me clarify, I didn’t legitimize their comments with a response. I have since blocked them and I’m keeping their username covered because honestly, it’s just some random bullshit blog that reposts stolen aesthetic images from Pinterest and makes disparaging comments about fat people on tumblr. Their life is grim enough by the looks of things.

And I'm not posting this to say, "Look at the mean comments I got!! Feel bad for me!! 🥺" Because if this was just regular old fatphobia, I would've ignored and blocked this bullshit like I've done in the past. But it's that first comment that made me chuckle. Friends, I present to you the weakest excuse I've heard for being an absolute piece of shit:

They put themselves out there. They deserve the insults. Plain and simple.

For extra context: I've been fat my whole life. And I probably always will be. I've been insulted for it by "friends" and bullies alike. No matter how much I've restricted, worked out, binged, and purged, none of it has ever made me lose weight. If anything, all those actions have done to me is physical damage that I can't undo!

But these people don't care about that. They don't care about listening and extending empathy and learning like a decent human being might. Even if a fat person did try and comply with this person's bullshit logic and go to the gym to "fix" themselves, they'd still get treated like shit for the simple fact that they exist and they have a body and they dare to show it in public. There is no correct or incorrect way to be fat.

A person's body does not hold some inherent moral value. Leaving pathetically vile comments on a random post from a random blog you don't even follow sure does hold a moral value though I think! One that matters just an eeeensy bit more than my fat ass saying in a silly tumblr post: "Hey, it'd be really cool if I could just...exist...without getting stomped into oblivion, thanks!"

If I dared to pretend that comments like these are made with a shred of good faith in them, I would argue that there is no "winning" with people like this. They only care to perpetuate a cycle of self loathing and discouragement specifically designed to keep us in the position of being punching bags. All they care to do is hurt people they don't know because the internet has afforded them a level of removal from the rot within their hearts.

I'm not saying anything groundbreaking, I'm aware. There are plenty of folks who are more articulate than I am who have had these conversations dozens of time over.

But these people feed on our misery. They feed on their ability to kick up a fuss and hurt our feelings with half assed insults. One might argue that I'm kicking up a fuss right now typing up a long ass tumblr post in response to two measly comments. If that's your contribution to this discussion, get absolutely fucked, this post isn't for you. It’s not for the commenter either.

This post is for all of my homies who have become the punching bag, both on and offline. Because it hurts either way. I hear you and I see you, friends. And the second you start to doubt yourself when these beasts rear their ugly heads, please remember that their words have nothing to do with you. They use their words and their energy to deliberately cause harm. And there is something deeply wrong with that. Some wrong thing that you don't possess purely for some physical trait. Never ever forget that distinction.

I love you all. I'm glad we exist. And I hope that we can keep spreading love in whatever ways we can.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #127

What’s the best part about flying? The view.

Who did you last have a deep and meaningful conversation with? It wasn't like, MEGA deep, but Girt. He was confiding in me about something last night.

Any vacations planned? No, we basically never go on vacations. Doesn't mean I don't want to, traveling just isn't cheap, at all.

Which friend have you known the longest? That is still in my life in a way more than like, acquaintances by now, Summer.

Do you have a Facebook? I do.

What do you want for Christmas? That's quite a ways off, but at this moment I think my primary wishlist item will be a new phone. I'm just so done with the one I have.

How many people have you liked this year? I've only loved Girt, romantically.

Do you have any celebrity crushes? old German men apparently lmfao, still also love Markiplier as an individual tho, but that actual hyperfixation has passed.

Is it okay to kiss people when you’re single? If they're both single and want to, sure, why not. What I DON'T like though is leading people on, like making them chase a relationship with you while you refuse to commit. Then of course there are platonic kisses, which I think is generally fine, but it does depend on various things.

Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? Yes, two that I can think of. Neither is dangerous information or anything like that at all, they're just private things I don't share with anybody.

How many email accounts do you have? Two that I use.

Who is the best cook in your family? I wanna say my younger sis Nicole, honestly.

Which baby animal is your favorite? OBVIOUSLY meerkats. Very honorable mention to kittens though, I think they're also super fuckin cute.

Twitter or Tumblr? 100% Tumblr, I don't even use Twitter.

Favorite YouTuber? EVEN though I don't really watch him anymore (besides life update stuff), it's still Markiplier overall. Incredible and endlessly inspiring human being. I'm most into WATCHING either Game Grumps or John Wolfe these days, though.

Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No, I would NEVER fucking tolerate that.

Was your first kiss romantic? I think it was. It was super fucking cute more than anything.

Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? Girt. Oh, and Herb (grandmother's husband, not my mom's dad, and they were married for a super short period), the same night. I'm really glad Girt was here because it made me really uncomfortable that this random old man I don't consider family at all/barely know was sleeping directly across the hall from me... aaaaand it's happening again tonight, Herb literally popped up unannounced very shortly before I started this survey to stay here again for the night as a pitstop on his way back home. Mom had no idea this was the day he'd be here and isn't thrilled lmao, girl same.

What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? I'll go with just Jason here, as he's the only other guy I've seriously dated, and Sara is demi anyway so doesn't really fit this question. I'd be VERY surprised to learn this, but I mean, I'm sure he'd say the same about me being openly pan now. People are full of surprises.

How many people has your best friend had sex with? One.

When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? We "dated" LITERALLY less than 24 hours, but I guess in technicality Juan. Which I'm not stoked about. He randomly reached out to me close to a week ago (suspiciously under a COMPLETELY new FB name????) after years of not talking, and I have no idea what he even wants yet, since there's been so few replies between us so far. I have QUITE the list of reasons to not trust him, but I'm trying really hard to just be a nice person and give him the benefit of the doubt that he's grown as a person, but I'm remaining distant no matter what. If he wants to be in contact on there, fine, but it's not going ANYWHERE beyond that.

Are you currently “appearing offline” to anybody? No, I never do that honestly. I mean one, people can be busy and still attached to the Internet, so I just don't feel the need to try covering up me being online. That and the only people I really ever talk to KNOW I'm always on the computer or messing on my phone anyway lmao, I ain't foolin nobody.

Do your siblings text you? No, honestly, unless they need something (like if they can't reach Mom) or they're telling me happy birthday. I will say Ashley checks on me more than Nicole (which is very, VERY literally never), though.

Did your last kiss end up with you and the person doing anything sexual? lmao yes

Who is your ex dating/talking to? I don't know or care. 2015 Brittany would have NEVER believed she'd be saying that (and especially confidently meaning it) one day.

Who did you last pinky promise with? Girt, I'm sure. He's the only person I really do it with these days, because he knows I like them.

Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings? I grew up sharing a room with Nicole once she was born two years after me, yeah. Didn't get my own until I was already a teenager, when Ashley moved out for college.

What happened at the last party you went to? It was a three-year-old's bday party, so lots of kids yelling and stuff, haha.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? He's always had a charming smile, but beyond that, no. Especially as an adult now that realizes how fucked up it was that he even wanted a relationship with me when I was 15, I'm completely unattracted to him as an individual.

In your life, who is the person that seems to understand you the most? My mama.

Are you afraid of losing the person you like right now? I'd be absolutely devastated, but it's not something I actively think and worry about, but I accept it's always possible, and I'll survive if it unfortunately does. I will NEVER relive the Jason breakup situation, fucking ever.

Does anyone know your Facebook password? No. Well, Mom might have an old one logged somewhere; once upon a time she kept track of us kids' online accounts.

Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah, not for myself personally.

What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? I've learned through Nicole's career as a children's social worker that I CANNOT handle hearing about certain degrees of abuse towards children, especially when it includes sexual abuse. Like nobody WANTS to hear about that, ever, but she encounters the most batshit insane bullshit you could possibly even imagine, and she's learned that if she's telling Mom about various things that've happened at work, I generally can't be present because I get so fucking upset. It just blows my goddamn mind, the kind of beasts who can pop babies out left and right to ruin, and then there are couples who desperately want children to spoil the shit out of (we know a very specific couple that is this exact description), but can't manage to. It's literally evil.

What was the last thing you cleaned? Besides my own body, my keyboard, I think.

What’s something you have been putting off? I've been putting off finishing and putting stuff up on my Etsy for MAAAAANY months now. I want to do it, but I don't have my own bank account or cards of any sort, so I'm going to have to use my mom's, and idk, I just feel so weird talking to her about it so I just keep... not doing it.

What restaurants do you frequently eat at? Uh I'd say we get like, takeout most often from places like McDonald's or Sonic. We've both been more into Taco Bell than usual lately too, because we've started going to a new location that's super close to us and basically EVERYTHING they make is so much better than other locations we've been to.

Do you like banana pudding with a lot of bananas or more vanilla wafers? I actually really dislike banana pudding, and just banana-flavored things in general (usually).

How many books would you guess you’ve read in the last 5 years? Oh I have no idea, but a depressingly low number, I'm certain.

What was the last message you sent? Haha I was telling Girt about Herb just... Manifesting here

Is it currently warm where you are? UGH yes, at the moment I'm answering this question, it's 81*F out. This is the first day at PT where I really struggled with overheating (Mom's car doesn't have AC so I ALREADY came too warm), like the therapist for the day was really concerned. I just had to sit and drink water more than usual, and we eventually got a wet rag to help me cool off, because I just wasn't otherwise.

Have you ever fallen out of bed? Not that I remember, no.

What do you like on your hot dogs or burgers? I'm suuuuper basic with hot dogs, I generally just want ketchup and mustard. SOMETIMES a little bit of very finely diced onions is fine; they can get overwhelming fast. I'm more open to variety with burgers, but I generally go for ketchup, mustard, pickles, onions (once again, not too many at all), and occasionally bacon. I'm also fine with some amount of mayo on there, but not an overwhelming amount, and I never ask for it as an addition; I only have it if it comes with what I'm ordering.

Are you currently listening to anything? I've???????????? been bingeing that old "If I Had You" Adam Lambert song?????????????? like all day????????????????? fr there are just instances where my music interest for the day just throws me a total curveball, haha. I've been listening to more pop than I used to, for sure.

What’s something you like that is blue? The ocean, especially the really clear and aquamarine-looking ones!!

Have you ever traveled alone? Well I mean, I navigated airports/flew alone going to and coming back from Sara's.

Would you say you are toxic in any way? Let's be pure fuckin honest here: everybody, EVERYBODY, has been and is capable of being toxic in various situations. I myself handled the Jason breakup in an INCREDIBLY toxic manner, and I'm sure that's exactly why he blocked me online. Realistically, there's got to be more cases where I was toxic, that's just the big one that instantaneously comes to mind. We are all imperfect humans, and so we behave imperfectly regularly, and sometimes that includes behaving with toxicity, even when we entirely don't mean it. Now, do I think I as a whole am a generally toxic person, no, I don't at all. I at least try very hard to be the opposite.

What’s one of your favorite memories from the past year? Feeling my legs improve because of physical therapy. PT has been a fucking blessing, and I've still got more sessions to go.

What are some books you’d recommend to someone? My immediate go-to is probably ALWAYS going to be Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo, an anti-war novel that really gained popularity (this is also how I discovered it) when Metallica wrote a song, "One," based off of it; the music video is even full of clips from the movie that followed the book. Both are great, but the book is an especially soul-crushing experience that leaves you haunted as shit, like it is ART.

Are you a gold digger? Absolutely not.

Describe the last dream you had: Actually I won't, it was one of THE WEIRDEST dreams I've ever had and NOBODY needs to know the details lmfao, I wish I didn't.

Have you ever been screwed over relationship-wise? Explain: Prefacing: Jason wanting to leave me was fine. I was affecting his mental health. HOWEVER, refusing to communicate how you were struggling with dealing with my depression and breaking up with me after 3 1/2 years over Facebook Messenger and then wanting absolutely, positively nothing to do with me wasn't. It was such a sudden, abrupt split that he performed in an incredibly cowardly manner and showed NO interest in trying to ease the blow to me, someone he supposedly wanted to marry and have a family with. Interesting to note I didn't even BEGIN to heal from the trauma until we met around a year and a half later to actually talk and allow me to find any degree of closure, and I know even that alone wouldn't have done it if I wasn't going to 7-hour therapy sessions for over a month every single weekday at the same time.

Have you ever danced in the moonlight? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO THE ODDS OF THIS QUESTION COMING AFTER THAT^, we don't talk about this anymore<33333

Have you ever been with someone but wanted to be with someone else? That was the other part of the reason I left Girt the first time we tried dating, because I thought I liked Sara. The irony of that today, lmao.

What did you do last night? Girt and I finished the second season of Dark and then we were in bed until he needed to go home to get enough sleep to not be a zombie at work today.

Do you have a significant other? If you do, are you kind of crushing on someone else? Yeah, but I'm not even slightly into anyone else. If I was, I wouldn't stay in this relationship because that'd be completely unfair to him.

Have you ever had a threesome? No, I am way too monogamous for that.

[fictionalpeter]

Rebirth - Chapter 1

Ok, after a ton of procrastination, rewrites, and replots, I'm finally posting this fic. I apologize in advance if it isn't very good, but with my beta-reader still offline, this is the first one I've done completely on my own.

This was originally going to be two separate fics that I kinda combined into one, so hopefully I didn't miss anything during editing.

===========================================

Rebirth

Chapter 1: Aftermath

Scott McCall pulled his truck up to the front of his childhood home. It felt strange being back there after all the time that had passed. It was where he’d grown up. Where he lived with his mother, long before he’d met any of his extended family that seemed to get bigger and bigger as time went on.

As they sat there in the parked car, as the weight of the past two days slowly settled in, there was an air of melancholy surrounding the two of them

‘The two of them’.

Even now, Scott had to convince himself it wasn’t all a dream. That he wouldn’t wake up and she’d be gone again. But she was there—sitting right next to him. So close he could touch her.

Allison.

She had a far away look on her face. The same one she’d had since they had dropped Eli off at the Sheriff’s house. She was completely lost in thought, a million questions racing through her head.

But perhaps the biggest question was also the simplest: what now?

The danger was past, the Nogistune was gone—for good this time. Now, though--without that element of danger--all the questions and fears she had suddenly came crashing down at once.

“I died,” she whispered, finally. The weight of the acknowledgement threatening to crush her.

“Hey…” Scott said, reaching towards Allison and trying his best to calm her.

“I DIED, Scott!” she exclaimed. “I was stabbed through the heart, I felt life leaving my body and—now all of a sudden I’m alive? And Derek’s not, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about that! Relieved, guilty—I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

“It’s ok,” Scott told her. “You’re confused, I get that. It’s been a long couple of days.”

“Am I even still human?” Allison questioned him. “How do I know I’m not a reanimated—thing—that just looks like me? Some magic construct that my spirit is just possessing?”

Scott’s heart broke for her. He reached over, grabbing her wrist. Using his thumb, Scott started tracing circles on her skin. Allison closed her eyes and exhaled—savouring the contact.

“You feel warm,” Scott reassured her. “I can hear your heartbeat. I can feel your pulse. You are alive—that’s what matters. That’s the part that’s important. The details about why and how—we can worry about that another day, ok?”

Allison grabbed onto his wrist with both hands. She was trembling, trying to steady herself. She leaned towards Scott, resting her forehead against his and closed her eyes. In her mind, she replayed the events of the past few days, putting her actions in perspective now that she had all the information.

“I tried to kill you…” she said finally.

“I wasn’t in any danger,” Scott swore to her. “Once I realized what he was planning, I went to Liam and…”

She shook her head.

“No—before that,” Allison clarified. “I stabbed you, Scott.”

“Technically I stabbed me” Scott said with a smirk.

“What if you were wrong?” she pleaded. “What if you couldn’t get through to me in time?”

“But I did” he pointed out.

“You could have…”

“But I didn’t!”

Allison exhaled again, opening her eyes. A small smile formed on her lips.

“You’re—still in love with me?” she asked.

Scott smiled back at her.

“I am.”

Allison made a sound that was somewhere between laughing and crying.

“You—you should have moved on,” she told him. “I—wanted—you to move on. I didn’t want you to be alone.”

“Allison…” he whispered her name, as though it was a prayer.

“I should have told you that,” she groaned. “I should have said something at the end, but instead I made it all about me.”

“I tried,” Scott confessed to her. “I did, I really did—there were other girls. But it just—never felt right. Like something was holding me back. I kept coming up with reasons, and—and excuses. Like—there was something inside me that was broken, and I couldn’t fix it no matter how hard I tried. Like I was waiting for something…”

Scott paused, realizing there was something he needed to know. Now that Allison was herself again, and the danger was past.

“And you?” he asked. “Do you still love me?”

Allison stared at him as if the question was ridiculous.

“I know you did, before…” he recalled. “You told me you did, but—I know I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was fifteen years ago. I would understand if you…”

Before Scott could get out another word, Allison placed a finger against his lips, silencing him.

“Everything I’ve seen you do in the past two days proves you haven’t,” she told him. “You are. And I do.”

“I missed you…” Scott said, his voice breaking.

Allison kissed him. All of a sudden, Scott felt like he was seventeen again—the feel of her lips just like he remembered.

There was nothing he wanted more than to take Allison in his arms and show her just how much he missed her���how much he still needed her—how much he loved her. But—he was worried. Worried about overwhelming her. It had been less than an hour since her memories returned, and Scott had no idea how fragile she was right now. How vulnerable.

It didn’t matter what he wanted. Allison had to come first.

Reluctantly, Scott broke off the kiss—touching the side of her face in reassurance.

“Come on—your dad’s inside,” he said. “I’m sure he’ll want to know you’re ok.”

“Dad…” she whispered, her eyes wide with realization. “Yeah. Yeah, wow—I can’t even imagine how he’s feeling right now. What he must have gone through…”

“Come on,” Scott said. “I’ll walk you inside.”

*****

As they stepped through the front door, Allison looked around in amazement. It had been so long since she’d been in this house. The paint on the walls was a little more faded, the pictures were different. The house felt older.

Then again, so was Scott. So was she, as insane as that fact was.

She gripped Scott’s arm like it was a security blanket. He had a hard time believing that the same woman who had fought by his side against the very things that murdered her only a short while ago now looked like she was about to fall apart any second.

The two of them entered the living room, where they found Chris sitting on the couch. Melissa was there too, holding his hand. Allison wondered, for a moment, when the two of them had gotten so close. One of the many changes she would have to get used to

“Dad…” Allison called out.

Chris almost jumped up upon hearing her voice. He turned in their direction, relief flooding his face.

“Allison…” he said, almost painfully. “Are you all right?”

She nodded.

“We—left Eli with Stiles’ dad,” she explained. “I wanted to stay with him, but—I don’t think I’m…well…”

She didn’t think she knew Eli well enough? That she wasn’t stable enough? That she was about to fall apart herself, and wasn’t in any shape to comfort someone else? Allison wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence without worrying him even more.

“How are you feeling?” Chris asked her. “Your memory—has it started to come back, or…?”

“When Lydia used her power, everything came rushing back,” Allison confessed.

He looked like he was going to break down himself.

“I remember dying, and I—” Allison continued, pain evident in her voice. “I’m sorry, dad. I am so, so sorry for putting you through that.”

That was it. That was the moment that opened the floodgates. Allison detached herself from Scott and ran into her father’s arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

“Shh, shh…” Chris said, kissing the top of her head. “It’s ok—it’s ok.”

Scott couldn’t help but smile. It was easy to forget that he wasn’t the only one relieved at Allison’s miraculous return. That there were others who missed her just as much as he did—if not more.

Losing Allison had been traumatic. It almost broke him. But he couldn’t even begin to imagine how much worse losing a child would be. Chris Argent was one of the strongest people he knew, and to see him in such a state—it was humbling.

Melissa walked up to Scott’s side, giving his shoulders a big squeeze. He didn’t even have the heart to be embarrassed.

“You did it,” she told him. “I don’t know how, but—I am so proud of you right now.”

Scott smiled at her. It was hard not to—the flood of happiness in the room was infectious.

“Scott”

Chris turned towards him, still holding onto to Allison as though she might slip away again if he let go.

“Thank you,” he said. “I—there is no way I will ever be able to repay you for bringing Allison home.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” Scott swore.

“I owe you everything,” Chris insisted.

Scott nodded, in silent understanding.

“I—should probably go,” Scott said. “Check on the others at the hotel. It’s been a long day—you both need some rest. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of catching up, so…”

“No, stay…” Chris interrupted. “I know—celebrating is probably in bad taste right now, but stay for dinner. We could use the company.”

“I don’t think I’ve eaten anything since I woke up in the hospital,” Allison admitted.

Scott looked towards Melissa, who nodded in agreement.

“Give me about twenty minutes, and I’ll whip something up,” she told them.

As she walked by Allison, she put her hand on Allison’s shoulder.

“Welcome home”

*****

Melissa McCall must have emptied the entire fridge, putting together a celebratory feast in a matter of minutes. Allison just—if you’ll excuse the expression—immediately started ‘wolfing down’ everything in sight.

They all had their stories to tell. Chris relayed all the adventures he had around the world, investigating supernatural disturbances and rumors he may have heard of. A little closer to home, Melissa explained how she became a full-fledged doctor. Scott told her about college, and the animal rescue business in LA.

Allison hung on every word. She was starting to feel like herself again. Not the cold, emotionless assassin she’d been only hours earlier. It felt good to laugh, and smile, and just enjoy herself, surrounded by the people she loved. It made her happy, even if it was just for a moment.

“Isaac’s in Paris?” Allison exclaimed in surprise.

“He moved there with me originally,” Chris exclaimed, passing his daughter another bowl of soup. “When I had to come back to Beacon Hills for—some reasons—he stayed behind. He really loved the artwork, the architecture—made a career out of it eventually.”

“He became an artist?”

Chris nodded.

“Wow—” she breathed. “I was worried when I noticed how many people weren’t here, I thought maybe—but I guess everyone has their own lives now.”

Allison’s face fell. She was—not exactly sad, more like regretful. Left behind, maybe?

“We’re going to have to write a manifesto to fill you in on everything you missed,” Scott added, trying to cheer her up. “Netflix has about a half-dozen competitors, there were three new Star Wars movies, a huge epidemic, and don’t get me started on politics.”

Scott stood up, and walked into the kitchen, heading towards the counter where a pie sat unthawing. He picked it up, just as Chris grabbed a cheesecake at the same time.

Noticing this, Scott laughed.

“What?” Chris asked, confused.

“Nothing, just—remembered something,” he chuckled. “You remember that dinner at your old house? The one I crashed, where Gerard was fishing for information?”

“I remember thinking you had a serious death wish,” he recalled.

“Well, right after you threatened me, we had to bring the desert in,” Scott pointed out. “I swear, I thought you were going to throw the cake at me.”

“Wasting good desert?” he asked, with a smirk. “What do you take me for, Scott?”

They both laughed.

“The more things change, right?” Scott asked. “Back then I was terrified of you. I knew that if you ever found out Allison and I were still together…”

“Scott…” Chris sighed.

“You’re ok with it now, right?” he asked. “I mean, if the two of us wanted to try again, you wouldn’t object?”

“Are you asking permission?” Chris raised an eyebrow.

Scott bit his lip.

“Yeah, I guess I am…”

“Because it seemed to me you’ve already made that decision.” Chris remarked.

Scott flinched at that.

“I trust you, Scott,” Chris said, seriously. “I also trust you to be careful with her feelings. Allison is—she’s extremely vulnerable right now, and I would recommend not rushing into anything she isn’t ready for. What she needs right now is emotional support from people who were a part of her old life—which includes you. I just got my little girl back. I don’t want her getting hurt.”

Scott nodded.

“Yeah, I get it.”

“I don’t want you getting hurt, either,” he added.

“Thanks,” Scott said with a smile.

*****

The second they got back from the kitchen and placed the desert on the table, Allison grabbed the entire cheesecake, sliding it in front of her.

“Somebody’s famished,” Melissa remarked.

“I just fought a war with a mummified fox wolf,” she pointed out. “I think I’m due.”

Allison shoveled a mouthful of cheesecake, and then paused.

“What happens now?” she asked. “I mean—it’s not like I can just pick up where I left off. I can’t exactly go back to school. Everyone has their own lives to get back to.”

“The best thing about owning your own business is you make your own schedule,” Scott pointed out. “I can make some calls, have some people stop by the shelter and feed the animals. I can ask Deaton to look after things for a bit, if you need me to stay longer.”

“I—wouldn’t mind seeing LA,” Allison suggested. “Dad, I know it’s a lot to ask…”

“I haven’t actually had a permanent home in a long time,” Chris told her. “We can go anywhere you want.”

Allison thought for a moment.

“I—I want to stay in town for a bit,” she admitted. “Just long enough to make sure Eli’s ok.”

She sighed.

“I barely know him,” she confessed. “But—he was Derek’s son. He just lost his father, and—I can’t help but feel that I got my life back at the cost of his.”

“Alison, that wasn’t your fault,” Melissa tried to reassure her.

“I don’t feel guilty exactly,” she explained. “Just—responsible. Like I have this gift I need to earn, and helping that poor kid is part of it. If he even wants me around.”

“I’m sure he will, once he gets to know you,” Scott told her.

“I need to do some shopping,” Allison groaned. “These clothes I’m wearing are the only thing I have other than what I stole from the hospital. I’m sure you donated all my stuff to charity years ago.”

“Actually—I never had the heart to,” Chris admitted. “Your things are all in storage. We can go get them tomorrow.”

“Really?” Allison asked. “You kept everything?”

He nodded.

“We’ll bring it back here, until you decide what you want to do,” Chris told her. “I know it’s not going to be easy, putting your life back together—starting a new one. We’ll take it one step at a time.”

*****

After dinner, Scott excused himself. Allison had insisted on helping with the dishes, bringing back her old arrangement with her father from when they lived in the apartment together. While the two Argents cleaned up, Chris continued to regale her with tales of his adventures.

Some of which Scott had been involved in. He was embellishing, but Scott didn’t have the heart to correct him. The smile on the man’s face never seemed to leave.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy,” Melissa commented, as the two of them entered the living room.

Scott paused, a question coming to mind.

“Is something going on?” he asked. “You’d tell me if something was going on, right?”

Melissa shrugged.

“I—don’t know,” she admitted. “Maybe, maybe not—with everything that’s been happening, it didn’t feel appropriate to discuss it.”

“If there is—you need to tell Allison,” Scott said. “Because I am definitely not gonna be the one to drop that bomb on her.”

“That—is going to be awkward,” Melissa said with a cringe. “And, on that note—is there something going on you would like to tell me about?”

“Not fair,” Scott groaned. “This is about the lacrosse field?”

“This is about the lacrosse field,” she laughed. “There we were, having narrowly escaped death--again, looking around desperately to make sure our kids were ok, and there you were—making out in the middle of the battlefield.”

“That was hardly making out,” Scott argued.

His mom gave him a doubtful look.

“I told Allison I was still in love with her.”

Melissa’s face became serious.

“After the fight?” she asked. “Or during?”

“Before, actually,” he admitted. “Before she got her memory back.”

“Oh, Scott…” she sighed, shaking her head. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah—yeah I am,” Scott replied. “I love her, mom. And Allison, she feels the same way. Chris already talked to me about it—that I needed to take things slow, and Allison’s still recovering from everything. I’m not going to rush into anything. I want her to be ok. I want her to be happy.”

“I want you to be happy,” Melissa said in response.

The two of them sit down on the couch.

“Scott,” Melissa began. “Most people go through their entire lives trying to find their perfect person. The one that makes them feel complete—whole. You found yours at sixteen. That’s never easy, even for people with normal lives, and before you could even begin to figure things out, you lost her. This isn’t just Allison’s second chance—its yours as well.”

“I’m just worried I’m going to mess it up,” Scott admitted. “That if I come on too strong, I’ll scare her away. But…I lost her once, and I’m worried that if I waste any more time, it might happen again.”

“You remember what I told you back then?” she asked. “The night of the junior formal?”

Scott paused.

“That it would go away eventually?” he asked. “Well, I got news for you, mom—it never did.”

“Not that part,” Melissa said, rolling her eyes.

“That I should tell Allison how I feel?” he asked.

“Bingo,” Melissa told him.

“She knows I love her,” Scott pointed out.

“But not about what’s scaring you,” she reminded him. “You don’t have to be the alpha all the time, you know? You don’t have to be everyone’s rock—you’re allowed to be scared sometimes. You’re allowed to be human.”

Scott smirked at that.

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah I know,” Scott said. “I’m sorry to impose like this, but—I think I need to stick around. Just for a little bit.”

“If it’s all the same to you, Scott,” Melissa told him. “I think I’m going to like having you home. Just for a little bit.”

*****

Later that night…

Scott was asleep on the couch, restless. Try as he might, the events of the past few days had shaken him.

He was the alpha. The leader. The one who had to be the rock for everyone else, and stay strong. At least on the outside. Inside, on the other hand, was a completely different story.

Derek had told him to take care of his son—something Scott had no idea how to do. He had no idea how he was going to explain what happened to Stiles—especially considering the Nogistune’s involvement, and how Stiles had blamed himself for years for everything that monster had done.

And then there was Allison. It was only pure force of will that kept him from breaking down. Chris was right—she needed all the support she could get right now. The last thing she needed was him collapsing into an emotional wreck over the fact she was alive. He couldn’t be selfish with her. No matter what his mom said, he needed to stay strong.

He needed to make sure Eli was ok, but he didn’t want to leave Allison’s side. But he wasn’t sure how he could do both at the same time. He needed to talk to Lydia—maybe she could help? She was Allison’s best friend—maybe she could stay with her.

Scott desperately needed to get some sleep before he worried himself into a coma. However, his attempt at a peaceful rest was soon disrupted by a loud sound coming from upstairs.

Allison’s scream.

Moving faster than the average human was capable of, Scott leapt from his makeshift bed on the couch, and raced up the stairs. His mom and Chris were already up, running towards the sound of screaming, but Scott passed them with ease. He threw open the door to his old bedroom, and saw the source of the disturbance.

Allison was thrashing in her sleep, almost struggling. Yelling, shrieking—saying ‘no’ over and over again as she struggled against an invisible assailant. Scott—having witnessed his share of strange supernatural forces in the past two decades, quickly used his enhanced senses to scan the room to make sure, only to find no trace of any intruders.

“Allison, wake up!” Chris pleaded, grabbing his daughter’s shoulders. “It’s just a dream. You’re safe. It’s ok.”

Allison’s eyes shot open, filled with panic and tears and relief.

“Dad!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around Chris in a desperate attempt to calm herself. “I—I didn’t—it was. They were clawing at me, and pulling me down, and I couldn’t fight them—I couldn’t. I just went through them, and nothing I did stopped them, and I couldn’t breathe—I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t move and I screamed and screamed and…and…”

She broke down in uncontrollable sobbing, as Chris desperately tried to soothe her.

“Shh—shh…it’s ok,” he whispered to her, kissing the top of her head. “It’s ok—it’s just a dream. You’re home, you’re safe, and I’m not going to let anything hurt you. Ok?”

Allison nodded, still sniffling. She tried to regain her composure, but was still trembling. She was sweating like crazy, and her heart was racing.

Scott could hear it.

Technically what Chris said wasn’t exactly true: Allison didn’t have a ‘home’ anymore. The old Argent house had been abandoned for years, only used for storage when Chris needed something. The apartment had been sold when he’d left Beacon Hills, and he travelled so often that he never really settled in the same place for very long.

That’s why he was staying there—at Scott’s mother’s house. But when Chris told Allison she was ‘home’, it wasn’t a specific place he was referring to, but that she was with him. She was among the people who loved her.

“Are you ok?” Scott asked.

“No,” she admitted, her voice breaking. “I’m—I’m a mess. I’m sorry I woke you all up. It’s just…”

“Don’t worry about it, sweetie,” Melissa assured her. “Do you want me to make you something? Some tea to relax you?”

Allison shook her head.

“No, no—it’s fine,” she lied. “I just—I just need to get some rest. I’ll be fine in the morning, I promise.”

Allison wasn’t a very good liar. Scott doubted either her father or his mother believed her, and they weren’t able to hear her heart skip a beat like he could.

“Just get some rest,” Chris suggested.

As the three of them reluctantly turned to leave, Allison spoke up.

“Scott?”

Scott turned towards her.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Could you—stay with me?” she asked. “Just for a bit?”

Scott froze, becoming self-conscious of the fact that Allison’s overprotective father—who was currently on defcon-4 as far as being overprotective is concerned—just heard her suggest they sleep in the same room tonight.

“I’m not sure that’s…” he started to protest.

“Please?” she pleaded. “Just to sleep. I just—I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Scott looked over at Chris, as if silently asking for permission. Reluctantly, Chris nodded.

“Yeah, sure,” he agreed. “Whatever you need.”

“Thank you.”

The relief that flooded her eyes—god, Scott could just stare into those eyes forever.

Once their parents had left, Scott climbed into his old bed. The room hadn’t changed much in the years since he’d moved out. His desk, the posters on the wall—everything had been exactly how he’d left it.

Allison laid down next to him, nestling her back against his chest and pulling Scott’s arms around herself. Immediately, her trembling seemed to stop. She leaned her head back against him, savoring the contact.

“Feel better?” Scott asked.

“I hate this,” she laughed bitterly. “I can—I can take on a virtual army of the very thing that killed me without even breaking a sweat, but one bad dream and I turn into this frightened, helpless little girl? I hate it—I hate feeling this weak.”

“You’ll get there,” Scott promised her. “What you’ve gone through—nobody expects you to recover from something like that overnight. I don’t, and neither does your dad. You just need to give yourself time to heal.”

Allison tilted her head back so she could look at him, her eyes filled with so much emotion and trust. Gently, she ran her fingers over Scott’s arms, as if the touch alone reassured her that all this was real. She lifted his arm to her mouth, placing soft butterfly kisses on his skin.

“I wish I was as patient as you,” she confessed. “To just—wait for the things you want.”

The implication wasn’t lost on him.

“What I want is for you to be happy again,” Scott reassured her. “Whatever form that takes.”

Allison smiles at him.

“I am happy,” she sighed in contentment. “I’m alive. I’m whole. I’m safe here, lying in the arms of my first love.”

Allison reached up, touching the side of Scott’s face.

“The first person I ever loved,” she continued. “The person I’ll always love. I love you, Scott.”

Those were her last words, years ago. She hadn’t meant them to hurt, but the fact was that moment had long been Scott’s most painful memory. Even though she was here, warm and alive, hearing them again broke him. Whatever strength had been holding him together shattered, as he started to cry.

“Scott?” she asked, looking into his eyes.

“I’m sorry, it’s just..” he sniffed. “When you said that, I…”

What had his mother told him? Tell her the truth. Tell her how you feel.

“I know you’re hurting,” he said. “I know you’re confused, and scared, and worried about what you’re going to do, and you’re having nightmares now on top of that. I know we should take things slow.”

“Did my dad tell you that?” she asked, trying not to sound like she was accusing anyone.

“He’s not wrong,” Scott admitted. “You need time…”

“I don’t need time, I need you!” Allison insisted.

“I need you, too,” he continued. “I need you to be ok—to be strong again. But I’m scared—I’m scared that if I wait too long, I’ll lose you again.”

Allison leaned over and kissed him, before resting her head on his shoulder.

“I will never leave you again,” she vowed. “I promise.”

“I love you,” he sobbed. “So much. I just think we need to take things slow. So you can be sure this is what you want.”

“I don’t need time, Scott,” she said again. “This is what I want, and not because I’m scared.”

“How can you be sure?” Scott asked.

Allison smiled, looking up at him.

“Because I’m still in love with you.”

Scott smiled back.

He held her, as they drifted off to sleep.

To be continued…

Next: After an awkward breakfast conversation, Allison attempts to put the shattered pieces of her past back together with her dad, as well as plan for the future. Then, during a shopping trip with Lydia, she makes a startling discovery that causes her to ask questions about her miraculous return—questions that may not have answers.

[abyssal-werewolf]

doing this with mainly my Utahraptor theriotype in mind, since it's my only theriotype lmao - the others are not Animal Minded enough to count as theriotypes

Awakening: generally, I realized when I was 15 I think, so that was 7 years ago (holy shit I'm old xD) this specific theriotype is very new, I've only been a dinosaur for a week or two

Balance: I mean... yes and no? I don't want to actively bring my nonhumanity into my real life, because I am also human and I want to embrace that as well. So I decided that I express my nonhumanity online and my humanity offline - I don't suppress vocals and "weird" behaviour tho. I also really want to get a tattoo related to being a werewolf

City: I live on the outer borders of a city? like, it takes around 30-40 minutes (by car or train) to really be In The City. I like it here, living too rural would be impractical to me but the inner city would be extremely uncomfortable too

Diary: the closest to that is my blog and that's enough for me lol

Experience in the community: I could write like a thousand words about that, but instead here are some key points: it saved me countless times, sometimes I hate it, most often I love it. petty drama annoys me greatly, but I love to see us all together grow. To me it's a beautiful, strange and fascinating place that just feels like home, but it also sometimes breaks my heart because being nonhuman is so... bittersweet?

Friends: wild to assume I have irl friends LMAO /hj (I have friends but only really few and not incredibly close ones). but no, and like I said above I don't want to do so

Gear: no and it's not really my thing either *shrugs* looks cool on others, but just not for me

Identity: my only real theriotype is a Utahraptor currently, aside from that I have two kintypes (Mewtu and Khanivore) and I'm a werewolf holothere - the latter is my deepest and "truest" identity, it's also the shape I take internally (we're plural)

Jokes: it is serious to me, but I also love making jokes - I think you can take something seriously and still have fun with it ^^

Knowledge: not to sound arrogant or anything, but I think I actually know A Lot about alter- and nonhumanity (it's a SPIN after all). I'm not too hood with community history tho and you never know everything, so I'd say 8.5/10

Love/like: I do like them! I love dinosaurs and especially raptors - since my nonhumanity is psychological, I'm not too surprised my brain decided to become something I like lol

Nature: ya we love nature :)) especially deep woods and beaches

Otherhearted: oh boy, I have a TON- with hearttypes it gets super complicated in our system, like who has them and who doesn't, etc, so I will just list all of them- ravens, crows, barn owls, white doves, icelandic horses, demons, the DnD universe (hearthome, no specific place - just All Of It), ghost dogs/hellhounds, outer space, tigers, black cats, panthers, western dragons, Wonderland (from the Tim Burton movies), Crowley from Supernatural, Wayfarer-universe, sentient AIs, hyenas, clowns (as a concept)

Popularity: uhhh I don't see too many dinosaurs around but they're also not incredibly rare, so... Uncommon, probably?

Real body: I'm a holothere, so I am physically a werewolf :)) a nonshifting one, so, human DNA and all, but still. but even that aside, I identify as human just as much as nonhuman and love my human body so all is fine - sometimes I really really miss my shapeshifting abilities but that's okay

Sex: I'm an afab female werewolf so no, not really but also yes, cause I'm not a female human... I don't see myself as trans and don't experience dysphoria, but I'm not cis either

traits: I mostly have phantom shifts, sometimes mental. I make lots of noises and have a really deep interest in whatever I am. but most of my nonhumanity is like... expressed internally. I know that's paradox but I don't know how to better explain it. it's feelings I can't really express (I'm trying through text but I certainly can't express them like, bodily)

Urges: like I said, I rarely have mental shifts so not really? sometimes I really crave meat, sometimes I walk "weird", sometimes I have "weird" reaction to things or instincts but it's all on the rather uh, tame side I'd say

Wondering: my shifted werewolf form looks like this

I don't have pictures of my kin- and theriotypes rn, but I'd always ALWAYS choose my werewolf form anyway

Yarn: uh, probably a fake one, since real wolf tails would be Sorta Illegal to own in my country xD

Zoo: this is too complicated to really give an answer to here and I also don't want to spark a discussion since I know this can be a controversial topic. I'll just say, it's never just black and white, there are better zoos and worse zoos, some are good and some are downright horrible. it really depends on the specific case and a lot of different factors in my opinion

this has been fun, thanks for coming up with this! ^^

Alterhuman alphabet!

(feel free to copy, paste, fill in and credit me!)

A - awakening

When did you realise you are an alterhuman? At what age, how long ago?

B - balance

Does your identity affect your social life (school, work, ect.)? Does it cause troubles or not?

C - city

Do you live in a city? If yes, is it hard for you to be away from nature? Does your therio/kintype even need nature?

D - diary

Do you have a diary about your alterhuman experiences? If not, do you want to start one?

E - experience in the community

What is your experience and thoughts about the alterhuman community?

F - friends

Have you told your friends about your identity?

G - gear

Do you have any gear? If yes, is it handmade or bought?

I - identity

What is (are) your therio/kintype(s)?

J - jokes

Do you like to make little jokes about your identity or is it rather serious for you?

K - knowldege

In scale of 1-10, how big do you think your knowldege about alterhumans is? Are you new to this topic?

L - liking, loving

Do you like your therio/kintype(s)? Do you love or dislike it/them?

N - nature

Does your therio/kintype live in the wild, or rather not? (E.g. it's a house pet, or it's a robot.)

O - otherhearted

Are you also otherhearted? If yes, what is your kithtype(s)?

P - popularity

Is your therio/kintype "popular" or is it rather rare?

R - real body

Do you feel good about your psychical body? Do you experience gender dysphoria?

S - sex

Dies therio/kintype have a different sex than you?

T - traits

What are your alterhuman traits? (E.g. a need to hunt, bark, ect.)

Urges

If you have a theriotype, are you good at controlling your animalistic urges? Do they bother you?

W - wondering

How do you think you would look like, if you could psychically shapeshift into your therio/kintype? (Describe or put an inage here!)

Y - yarn

If you wanted ti buy/make a tail, would it be real fur or fake/yarn fur?

Z - zoo

How do you feel about zoos (a place, not z00philes)? Are they good or bad in your opinion? Do you want to go there to meet your theriotype (if you are a therian).

___________

That's all! Bye!🍄

[khaleesiofalicante]

hey...I kinda just needed to vent. you can ignore this.

on-site school starts tomorrow and even though it's only 2 days a week I'm nervous as hell. actually, screw that I'm terrified. we've literally been online for the past 2 years only going to school for tests sometimes. but this will be different. it's a new year and new teachers and my biology teacher used to have me for maths in grade 6 and years have passed but she scares the shit out of me. I don't know why she's just...

TW S3lf h@/rm

I've recently started cutting. oh my god saying it like this...I'm terrified. because every time I'm less hesitant and that's scary. I'm afraid one day I'll hurt myself too deeply. my thoughts are all over the place and it's all kind of a mess. I've always had self-harming tendencies but never to the point of blood. It's been a few days since I last did it and I've been trying not to. but with school starting and having to face people, face teachers...I've been getting that urge again. I don't want to but it's...goddamn I sound crazy.

anyway, do you have some tips on dealing with on-site school after years of online and scary teachers who gave you nightmares years ago and still do?

Hi.

I've been meaning to write something about this since a lot of my friends here on tumblr are going to back to school in soon.

I understand your anxiety. The world is pretty shit at the moment and it's already terrifying enough.

Apologies for the late reply. I was doing some reading on this before I could write back to you.

Every single resource I read was aimed at parents. They kept talking about "how to help your child" and "how to help your teenager". But I don't think these people who are writing these resources know that the biggest problem children/teenagers have is their inability or hesitancy to talk to their parents - especially about something like this.

There is very little content/support directly addressing teenagers - which I think is absolutely ridiculous. So, I read all the resources written for parents - and tried to salvage some useful stuff.

Here is something they all recommended - which I second.

You need to establish a routine.

Having a routine generally helps reduce anxiety. Most of the anxiety comes from not knowing what is going to happen and how you are going to react to it. So, having a predictable routine - especially in areas you are able to control - will be of great help.

For example, (while this might sound boring) I map out my daily tasks every day - to the dot. I know exactly what I will be doing at any point of the day because I write it down on my phone. It helps me keep my anxiety in check. So, when you are going to back to school - especially on the days you physically have to visit, try to have a routine. Before you go to the bed the previous day, go through this mental schedule. It will make you feel a little better knowing what’s gonna happen tomorrow. 

Other than that, remember to take one day at a time. 

We really need to take baby steps here. Remember that you are not alone in how you feel. Everyone, including your peers, are terrified of what’s going on. And when people are scared, they have a tendency to act like shitheads. So, try to be kind - to others and yourself.

About this teacher of yours - I don’t know why exactly you are scared of her. If she has done something to hurt you or another student, then you should talk to someone at your school at about it. But if it is just “a vibe”, then I would suggest (if you want to) you talk to her directly. I understand how terrifying that might sound. If that’s the case, talk to another teacher (who you can trust). It is very important that you feel comfortable in your learning environment. So, if you are terrified of your teacher, then you need to be able to assess why that is - so that you can get rid of it. 

As for the self-harm, I understand why you are getting the urges again. One of the main ways to cope with self-harm is to distract yourself with a coping mechanism or a different activity. I’m not sure if you currently have any coping mechanisms that might help you. But here are some suggestions that might help. People self-harm for different reasons, I’m just going to write a bunch here. Hopefully, some of them will be useful for you!

If you're feeling anger and frustration

exercise

hit cushions

shout and dance

shake

tear something up into hundreds of pieces

go for a run.

Expressing your anger physically, or by doing things like shouting, won't work for everyone and could intensify feelings. Try things out and continue with any that have a positive effect.

If you're feeling sadness and fear

wrap a blanket around you

spend time with an animal

walk in nature

let yourself cry or sleep

listen to soothing music

tell someone how you feel

massage your hands

lie in a comfortable position and breathe in – then breathe out slowly, making your out-breath longer than your in-breath. Repeat until you feel more relaxed.

If you're feeling a need to control

write lists

tidy up

declutter

write a letter saying everything you are feeling, then tear it up

weed a garden

clench then relax all your muscles.

If you're feeling numb and disconnected

flick elastic bands on your wrists

hold ice cubes

smell something with strong odour

have a very cold shower.

If you're feeling shame

stop spending time with anyone who treats you unkindly

recognise when you are trying to be perfect and accept that making mistakes is part of being human

remind yourself that there are reasons for how you behave – it is not because you are 'bad'.

If you're feeling self-hatred and wanting to punish yourself

write a letter from the part of you that feels the self-hatred, then write back with as much compassion and acceptance as you can

find creative ways to express the self-hatred, through writing songs or poetry, drawing, movement or singing

do physical exercise (like running or going to the gym) to express the anger that is turned in on yourself.

And finally and most importantly - whether it’s self-harm or anxiety, something that ALWAYS help is to talk to someone. The fact that someone else knows what you are going through and someone else is listening can really be helpful. So, if it gets tough in school or if you are getting the urge again, please please reach out to someone you can talk to - online or offline. There is no shame in getting help when you need it. I’m always here if you want to distract yourself by talking about malec or fics or anything else. 

I wish someone had told me this. So, I'm gonna tell you now. 

It’s just school. You’re gonna get through it. 

[vivdunye]

present day, present time

and you don't seem to understand

fabled adages of science

so i was watching the snyder cut of justice league the other morning, i couldn't really begin to tell you why other than i needed 4 hours of background noise . but i tuned in at one point when the fictional super Israeli, wonder woman, narrated a scene explaining an alien technology "that was so advanced that it almost seemed like sorcery", and wouldn't yknow, that's a real concept actually, i recognized it immediately as clark's third law:

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

it's perhaps the most well known and oft quoted of the three, but i always felt like arthur c. clark's first 2 laws don't ever get quite enough love . i've been thinking heavily about the first law lately:

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

i've been thinking about it in relation to this one quote from wernher von braun that i always liked:

Nature does not know extinction; all it knows is transformation. Everything science has taught me, and continues to teach me, strengthens my belief in the continuity of our spiritual existence after death.

many people are afraid of death; of ceasing the awareness of life, because they don't know what will happen to themselves after, where do they go if anywhere? it's much more nebulous in the secular sense if you haven't a construct for the afterlife already . i've been thinking about death more and more often lately to a worrying degree . however, scientific thought for all its clinical detachment from all things spiritual has strangely enough always felt like the perfect module for contemplating the metaphysical . so i decided to do some research .

i want to recall right now thomas edison's first intended use for the phonograph . edison had originally envisioned the phonograph primarily as a means of preserving the voices of loved ones after death . he later went on to try and develop a "ghost box" or "spiritphone" . this device would allow humans to communicate directly with the dead . he was unsuccessful .

if hauntology has taught us anything, we technically do have ghost boxes now, but maybe not in the way edison intended or even predicted . we carry them everywhere and can check them anytime, channeling messages through them constantly . we actively become digital ghosts, online we are both present and absent . the present implodes with the past, we've over-documented everything so now we can experience an instant nostalgia . today's future becomes archaic, we live in the archive to try and remember what the future once was .

'haunted' and 'futuristic' become one and the same .

by this token i'm reminded also by transhumanism . as the technological singularity fast approaches, as progress charges forward at a constantly increasing speed, current estimates posit the 2040s as the point in which technological improvements will occur at a constantly self-replicating rate . in the time between now and then, transhumanism and the eventual merging of human consciousness with machinery are theorized outcomes of technological progress . one day we might be able to leave the shackles of our human bodies and transcend our physical forms as a joined digital consciousness .

and in relation to this i also think now of clark's second law

The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.

through the wired

this is the stage on which the anime Serial Experiments Lain is set . a story, that while constructed on the patchwork of fiction, is nevertheless symbolic of certain phenomena based in reality .

also i apologize if it wasn't apparent that this post was going to be about Lain . im lainposting boys

the first few episodes exist to misdirect the viewer right from the beginning . and only by returning to these episodes having thought through the rest of the show, does their purpose become clear . the first episode, aptly titled "Layer 01: Weird" , is meant to show us exactly one thing, that lain is fucking weird . we can't tell what she's thinking, we can't tell what she's doing, and that's exactly how everyone around her feels . lain is totally and completely disconnected, she doesn't keep up with current events at school, she doesn't communicate with her family, near as we can tell she has no actual interests besides her stuffed animals and totally phasing out of reality. the inciting incident of the series happens when someone tries to make a connection with lain, and that person happens to be dead...

or at least there body is dead, their consciousness seems to have escaped into the wired . lain's decision to pursue this connection is what lead's her to ask her father for a new navi (the series' name for a personal computer) and that's all that really happens in this episode . coming back to it from later episodes we know that lain is probably thinking a lot throughout this episode . the decision to not entreat us to any of her thoughts is intentional, it is to make us feel distant from her as viewers, the same way that the world around her is distant . as lain forms connections throughout the series, so too, will we form a connection with her .

we do not know how much time has passed since then and the second episode, but whatever has happened lain has already developed a significant presence in the wired . this episode is tricky in its presentation as it doesn't make us privy to which things lain is lying about and which things she's honest about . in it we have lain talking to someone on her navi, she types sporadically in an encrypted language, and someone who looks just like her appears late one night in a night club downtown . while lain won't admit it to her classmates it's apparent at the end of the episode that it was her at the club all along . the key to understanding her actions throughout the episode is to realize she is trying to keep her existence in the wired and her existence in reality as separate entities . the realization she has by the end of the episode, which she uses to terrify a gunmen into suicide is that there is no escape from the wired, no matter where you are you are always connected .

made in the late-90s, Lain was quite ahead of its time . it predicted not only how in the early 2000s the internet would be regarded as a separate world where anonymity and personas reigned—it also predicted how the internet would eventually and inevitably overlap with the real world, once people in the real world realized that the internet is the real world . people have a tendency to see one part of themselves as their "true selves", whereas the parts they show to others are personas, they think of these things as separate when in reality a person is an amalgamation of all of their personas . lain tries to change her personas by dressing and acting differently from when she's in the wired-mode and in normal-mode, but she doesn't realize how people have been doing this way before the wired existed . her classmates are all 15 but they all pass for adults when they've dolled up and hit the club . if the characters in the show seem a bit young for their attitudes then you may not have met enough tech-savvy teenagers before . the purpose of this episode is to ultimately to prove to lain that the so-called real world and the wired are merely two layers of one reality, which couldn't be more true of the world today .

let there be light300pMTK. .

in mythology, psyche was the mortal princess who fell in love with and, eventually, married the god cupid; in religion and classical philosophy, psyche came to mean the human soul, and in the modern, literate world, it retains that meaning as the human spirit; in freudian analysis, psyche refers to the totality of the human mind: the id, ego and superego .

every meaning of psyche is distinctly human: a human princess who achieves godhood, the soul or mind of an individual . if previous episodes introduced the blurring of the real world with the wired, then episode three; "Layer 03: Psyche" is the episode that starts to blur human identity online and offline . one doesn’t even have to venture into the wired to ask what is human .

by this point we know that lain is definitely up to something . at this stage it's hard to tell what, but all we get are little glimpses into her actions . she still seems to be hiding a lot from the world around her and from the viewer in turn . ironically, lain's blank-faced silence and response to the questions of those around her it's own incrimination . when a police officer tells her to speak up (regarding the gunman's suicide) even if she had nothing to do with it, he doesn't realize she's being silent precisely because she does have something to do with it . but her deer-in-the-headlights persona gets her out of it .

the lain of the wired and the lain of reality are slowly starting to mesh into one whole . it remains difficult to interpret the physical existence of "other lain" so to speak, and the show refuses to outright show her playing that character . at the least, we do get to see lain access the wired in all its chaotic glory and she does begin to take an active interest in expanding her knowledge as she learns about and installs the "Psyche drive", a computer circuit that lain procures in hopes of it enhancing her computer's processing power . on the smaller scale, when lain applies the psyche processor to her navi, she is installing a spirit or soul, an animating element, to her machine . notably, the psyche does not replace the main processor; psyche augments the main processor, interpreting the data that flows through it . the soul is not simply the brain, it is an elevated consciousness or meta-self. by this point in the series lines become blurred and the lains begin to merge (hehe) . all of this is set against the backdrop of lain trying to decide if she should remain in the physical world or fully integrate in the wired . she hears one voice telling her that death feels amazing, and god exists in the wired, that there is nothing left for lain in this world . however, lain begins to establish a connection with her classmate alice, saying her name out loud and commiting it to memory for the first time, alice asks why her friends are not more shaken up after watching someone shoot himself in the head the previous day . it's almost as though lain is clinging to alice as an excuse to stay in the physical world out of fear for changing over . this all sets the seeds for what eventually grows throughout the series .

i want to recall the final meaning of the word “psyche". that the word also meant “butterfly,” which is how the greeks imagined the soul to appear . no doubt the symbolism of a creature that begins as one thing and transforms into another is not lost on us here .

every event serves to emphasize the existence of one's own personal reality, and as individuals from all others, we desire a place to belong . however that too is an egotistical concept . in order for there to be a mutual understanding, it is necessary to recognize here and now, like the brain synapses, we are all—in a logical yet chaotic manner—connected .

each is seperate—yet they are one . by connecting, humanity gains first awareness of its function as a seed . and by connecting a human no longer remains a mere endpoint, a "terminus", but becomes a junction to another point, having won the right to continue itself . in a sense, the ability to connect is the ability to continue . this not only applies to the connection of axial coordinates but temporal coordinates as well . therefore, at the time when a conscious, intentional connection is made, surely the dead will rise from there intended place, appearing at the time coordinate of the connection's origin .

in that moment, the realization will dawn that the time in which we inhabit our physical bodies is but the starting point of the connection, and the very meaning of possessing a physical body might be questioned .

we recognize we are connected .

serialize thyself .

[servetolive]

Buddy, can I get a porn fic with Lore punishing a newly-assimilated Borg given emotions who stepped out of line? I've always wanted this and your shit gets me hot.

fuckin-A!

LORE/HUGH Y’ALL Written to “Thin Red Line” by Mona Mur and En Esch. also, idk why, but i wrote Hugh while thinking of Megaman/Megaman X.

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! took a few day break from tng fandom and am preparing for xmas weekend, and now i’m good to go!

The knock on the door was out of sync; syncopated, in a strange way that the Borg had no way of knowing was so. Lore pulled his lips away from his brother, leaving just enough room for him to murmur loudly, “Come in.”

Crosis and another drone had him by his shoulders, his feet skidding against the ground as he struggled against them. Once Lore caught sight of him, he moved to stand. Data caught on and stood from his twin’s lap, and together, they observed Hugh being dragged before him, his brow furrowed in defiance and his bottom lip pursed and tense.

Crosis and his drone shoved Hugh to the ground, holding him firm against the ground. Hugh grunted as his chin hit the concrete.

“Data,” Lore said, turning his chin down to his younger sibling. His eyes did not leave the captive before him, however. “Go outside. Make sure that the others keep busy.”

Data looked up at Lore, eyes widened for a moment. Hugh had seen it many times before: separation anxiety from those of them fortunate enough to be in Lore’s intimate presence.

“But, brother–”

“Go on.”

Without another word, Data left the room. Hugh’s eyes followed the younger android’s movement until he heard the door behind him hiss open and squeeze shut.

From the corner of his eye, Hugh saw the black, pointed tip of Lore’s boot adjacent to his face. He didn’t know why he was straining so much to see more of him–the more he tensed, the harder the drones pressed him into the ground.

Lore sighed.

“Let him go,” he said.

They did, and Hugh dared not move. He breathed heavier than ever against the floor, looking up at Lore, as the drones released him. He shook his shoulders away–a sign of defiance that no one bothered noticing.

He was able to crane his neck upwards to look up at The One, who gave him a kind smile before reaching down and pulling the cord the connected his visual feed to the rest of his body.

When Hugh opened his eyes, it was to a slightly different reality. His limbs were entangled in a mess of of hydraulic wires that fed into the main computer in Lore and Data’s personal lab, and he had no control over them.

It was not something that normally would have caused him immediate alarm: he had spent his earliest years hooked up to the Collective in the same manner, undergoing maintenance or repairs after a battle. He would hear the comforting hum of his comrades and could feel the warm thrall of nutrients entering his feeding tube.

His eyepiece–which he had once showed Geordi, the one who had given him his name–was missing. He felt the strange, brisk sensation of cold surge through him, something that was foreign, even in the dark halls of Lore’s lair.

He heard his name.

Hugh.

Hugh lifted his head. Off to his right, attending a panel, Lore stood with his back to him, typing in commands.

Hugh fought the impulse to allow his neck jerk to the side, and failed. He grunted just as Lore punched a few commands in and looked in his direction, over his shoulder.

His world faded again, just as if he were in the nursery.

Hugh opened his eyes, frigid air billowing from his nostrils into a cloud in the air before him.

Lore was near him. He couldn’t see him yet, but he could see how the air refused to settle around him. He caught a flash of gold, though it took a few seconds longer for the light to reach his brain.

“Let…” Hugh thought about what his human friends had taught him, but nothing they had said had anything to do with the concept of conflicting emotions.

“Let me go,” he said. He knew he sounded weak. He knew he sounded unsure. He wouldn’t even have known to bring such words to his lips if it weren’t for the Collective, and he wouldn’t have any idea of the meaning behind them if it weren’t for The One.

Lore ignored him, at first. He clucked his tongue.

“Poor thing,” he said, quietly. He heard the sound of water, and closed his eyes to the warm streams that flowed in tiny streams over his forehead. The difference in temperature left signatures around his face and chest; everywhere that they touched.

“How many times is it now,” the android said. He appeared in front of Hugh, giving him a start. Lore’s gold eyes examined Hugh’s black pupils, the same way a doctor would. The pail in his right hand fell to the floor as the wet sponge came up to nip at the sore sides of Hugh’s mouth.

“Three?” Lore dropped it into the bucket and held Hugh’s jaw firmly in his fingers, like he were examining an animal to confirm its pedigree.

Hugh had no desire to be touched in such a way.

“Three times you’ve run from me,” Lore went on, turning Hugh’s chin this way and that. “And yet, I still refuse to believe that you don’t want to be here.”

Hugh remembered the first time he had run, and the first time he had been dragged back. The first time he had heard Lore’s voice in relation to him and him alone; the first time he felt the android’s fingertips slide against his own inorganic flesh. The fruitiess argument he had tried to pose to Lore. The response Lore had given him. The rising bumps on his ashen skin.

“I don’t understand it, Hugh.” Lore was fiddling with the remote settings on the device in his hand while Hugh hung from the wiring in the ceiling. “You’re not so different from me.”

Hugh tried to jerk away from Lore’s touch. He knew what would come next. The honey smile, the patronizing gaze, the pursed lips.

He heard the water drip as the sponge moved to his bruised lips.

“I want to leave,” Hugh said, trembling. “I do not wish to be–”

“Assimilated?” Lore sighed, looking at the floor for a moment in that infuriating way that reeked of condescension. “Nobody here wants to be assimilated, Hugh. Haven’t you been listening?”

Hugh said nothing, but his mind followed the patterns of warmth that the water made as it trickled down beneath his uniform. Lore reached out with a hand and tore way the plating of his torso, exposing the rivulets to cold air, causing him to shudder violently.

“We’re trying to advance beyond that.”

He felt the hot tips of Lore’s fingers tear through the rest of his protective clothing, razoring into his sides as the plasticine fell away.

“You have such a beautiful mind,” Lore whispered softly in his ear, his hands–at room temperature–curling around Hugh’s waist and sliding down to his hips. “I really don’t want to take it away from you.”

In that moment, with his chest heaving, Hugh wished he could say something to Lore. He wished he had the sense to argue with him, as others had, even if it might have meant the end of his self-awareness.

The android brought one hand up to the wires and snapped one free. Cold gasses hissed from the broken cord and Hugh felt a part of him jerk downwards, as all the feeling bled from his upper arms and feet.  

Smirking, Lore took the sizzling, live end of the wire and traced it against Hugh’s skin. He knew what it should have felt like. The first time he ran, Lore hadn’t bothered to take his nervous system offline before shocking him, and he remembered arching his back into the air, screaming out into the open as the currents racked his body.

Now he felt almost nothing, but not nothing: a slower, burning ache that trickled into his nerves rather than jolted through him out right.  He moaned an alarmed, frightened whimper as crackle of the charge traced the twitching muscles in his abdomen.

Smiling, Lore reached down and pulled the rest of the Borg’s clothes away from him, exposing his young and expectant cock.

“Don’t,” Hugh breathed. He still had problems understanding why, but something about his memory on the Enterprise told him that he should object. Perhaps even that the pleasure that Lore had given him the first two times was not desirable.

“Sssh,” Lore cooed into his ear, now standing behind him. This made Hugh even more nervous, since he couldn’t see what the android would do next.

“Stop it.” He brought his arms up and around Hugh’s arms, pressing his lips against his temple. “Don’t let those human discretions get the best of what you and I have here,” he paused to wrap a warm, buzzing hand around Hugh’s sex, which caused the young Borg to tense up and cry out openly, his eyes squeezed shut.

Before that, Hugh had been considering countering with something–something about whether or not they “had” anything at all, but the thought remained unformed, and without any reference to further it. This–even though it was “unwanted,” whatever that meant–was more than what he had ever been given by his comrades in the collective; more than what he had been able to give. That they were all connected with each other deep beneath the bioplast seemed to pale in comparison to what warm, gentle contact with a stronger being could offer.

Lore chuckled in his ear. “Why are you crying, Hugh?” His fist moved slowly up the shaft of Hugh’s cock, stopping to enclose the head with his thumb and forefinger in a ring. Hugh twitched and shuddered as Lore tightened the ring and moved it up and down.

He could hear the pointed corners of his mouth, smirking as he talked. “Does it feel good?”

“Yes,” he replied, still incapable of telling untruths.

Grinning madly, Lore scooped up the leaking fluid from Hugh’s cock and held his dripping fingers up before the Borg.

“Do you want me to make it feel even better?” he asked, smoothing it across Hugh’s jaw when he cupped his chin. He slid a finger past his bottom lip and teeth, allowing him to taste himself–an act, perhaps, a few degrees too high for him on the sensory input scale.

Hugh, who was seizing up from overstimulation, wasn’t sure what to make of all this. He opened his eyes toward the bright lights above him, hoping that their brightness would cut into his nervous system to distract him from the dull ache he felt in his crotch. It didn’t work.

He shut his eyes. Tears pooled at the corners.

“Yes.”

Their favorite reward was the show Lore would put on for them in the Great Hall, with he and his brother at the center, naked and caressing.

They never talked about it openly, but it was the wish of every Borg that they could have what Lore gave his brother. They emulated the same desperate looks Data made at him; the same pleading sounds of devotion in their voices.

Hugh had no idea how many of his cohorts were able to say that they had been penetrated by Lore, but no matter what his fledgling independence had taught him about autonomy and independence, the feeling either of those gave him were dust compared to the feeling of Lore deep inside of him, filling a space in his body that he had never known he possessed, connecting with him in a way that was wholly unknown to him and his people.

It wasn’t just the feeling of his cock pulsing inside of him or the grip of his fingers around his hips. Lore was able to tap into their hive mind with ease, filling him with indescribable thoughts and small comforts that gave more meaning to contact than his interactions with his so-called “friends” on the Enterprise had ever given him.

What’s more, Lore’s voice came into his head in words, just as much as feeling.

You want to leave us, Hugh?

The feeling of lips and hot breath against his cold skin was sublime. Hugh felt his eyes glass over as Lore pushed deeper inside of him, the remaining wires above him rumbling softly as they ran into each other.

Hugh moaned: a sound so foreign to his own ears. He could hear the mechanical ruffle of other Borg peeking at them from the doorway behind them. Lore paid them no mind.

The soiled hand cupped his chin again, this time harshly.

You want to leave me?

Hugh cried out again. It was meant to be a word–yes? no? What could he possibly mean by either of them?

Lore sighed into his neck, dipping into it with his metal teeth.

You think anyone out there can give you what I give you?

With Lore’s words fresh in his mind and the knowledge that his brethren stood watching, likely painting him as “lucky,” and the understanding that they would see him in a completely new, different light, Hugh found within himself the link to his thoughts and the functions of his body and clenched himself around Lore’s cock.

“No,” he said out loud, surprising himself: Borg never answered vocally to what was said in Their mind. He was near completion, almost convulsing, and had no mind to think about the consequences of it. He leaned his head back against Lore, another action that he could never have thought of it weren’t for he and Data’s displays of passion.

Very good, dear.

Lore stopped moving and pulled out of Hugh, which made him sigh and gasp with disappointment: the most human noises he had ever heard himself make. The android’s hands came up and around, one grabbing Hugh’s cock and the other taking hold of his balls.

“I’m going to do something for you,” Lore whispered loudly enough for anyone listening in to hear. “That I’ve never done for anyone besides my brother.”

He tried to watch Lore’s hand move quickly up and down his anatomy, but the painful shocks it caused sent disruptions to his visual feed.

He panted, unable to speak. The shocks hovered between sharp jolts of pain and the addictive stabs of a narcotic flowing through his systems.

This was impossible. It was like witchcraft to him.

The whole structure seemed to shake with him when Hugh came. He didn’t realize until the very last moment that as he poured into Lore’s waiting hand, he was screaming loudly enough to breach the confines of the walls.

The sound of his voice died down as his processes shut off, one by one.

He woke some time later, still hanging, still hooked, but without the feeling of warmth that he had felt spread between he and The One.

He wasn’t alone. Data was there, still in his vibrant uniform, out of place as ever. He was examining a panel in Hugh’s head, unconcerned with his indecent, filthy condition.

“Lore wanted me to inspect you before releasing you,” he said, gently, without any of the beauty and closeness he had felt with his older brother.

Hugh said nothing, but hung there, tired and with a dull pain in his thighs, which were suddenly coming to life. To keep himself company, he tried to piece together the emotions he had when Lore was embracing him; the feeling of his head against his shoulder and the comfort of his touch. The pain and the unwanted excitement that was indecipherable for him.

And he realized, for the first time, just how cold anything else besides Lore’s touch felt to him.