#I've read all the stories before but don't remember anything about the solution to this one

[silver-grasp]

Is anyone else taking today's Letters from Watson as a cryptography exercise?

[sharoo]

The Flower-Seeker, the Robot, and the City without Faith

It's me again emerging from my mole's burrow to leave a thematic analysis piece and then bury myself again for a few more months.

Spoilers for Canto 7

CW for mentions of suicidal ideation and some death talk

Let's talk about Bari and her role in the world of Projmoon.

I think everyone who experienced LoR before Limbus was in the same camp as me upon the reveal of Bari.

Which is to say:

The chat was not normal.

But now I've had some time to cool off and actually think and Bari's position in her world is honestly kind of fascinating, especially as a take on immortal characters.

Because first and foremost, Bari has to be ancient. In a meta sense, sprites of the Book Hunter, as we knew her back then, date back all the way to Lobcorp. In universe meanwhile, she was already a long time traveller before she met Don Quixote senior and Sancho. She was there when the Associations were being established and competing for popularity. That was, on the low end, several hundred years ago. We don't know how long it took to construct La Manchaland, or how long that operated before everything fell apart and Quixote Senior sealed everyone away for 200 years.

All through this, Bari hasn't aged a day. My guess is that it's possibly thanks to the river of immortality Xichun mentions, or something else found outside the City.

And this is where we hit one of my favourite tropes - immortals passing time.

1. Remember that you will not die

One of the most interesting things to consider in fiction is the question of "What would you do if you were immortal? You'd have infinite time to do anything you desired - to travel, learn, rest. What would you do?"

Very often, humans who undergo this process in stories eventually begin to stagnate. They end up not doing anything, because internal motivation disappears. This is understandable, because, to get a little memento mori for a moment here, death is the biggest motivator we humans have - it's our time limit. You only get X amount of time to enjoy certain things, to achieve certain goals, so that at the tail end of it you'll be able to reminisce and hopefully smile before you expire. Add to it that age itself limits us, be it youth not allowing us independence or old age slowing us down and limiting us with weakness, and you can see how we are driven, at least in theory, to live life fully as long as we can.

To lose that - the constant dread of your body slowly, but surely, progressing towards failure, breaking down little by little, is to rob us of our inherent motivator. It is a very large part of being a human, really. A lot of our lives and cultures circle around this immutable fact that we don't last, and our questions regarding the why and the what comes after. Religion exists to answer most of those questions.

So... what does one do when they lose that, and become immortal without purpose?

They seek another. Or they disappear.

2. Faith (A Ruina tangent)

Before I get to Bari, it's important to examine her debut game, and the one person she interacts with (and believe me I have thoughts about it).

So, Angela. Our most beloved not-human with all the characteristics of humanity except a lifespan, and a perfect example of an immortal trying to pass time.

LoR goes to great lengths to show her desperation going back all the way to Lobcorp. It shows, quite clearly, first her inability to cope with the circumstances Ayin stuck her in, followed by her resignation to fate and a silent wish for the end. I will not mince words, Angela reads to me back then as silently suicidal, in that she's given up on any other solution to her pain but the conclusion of the play. Then, and only then, was she to be allowed to rest. She had no say in when the play would end so she could only hope it eventually would.

She yearned for death. But then, something changed. Netzach points out that indeed, though she wished for the end, she truly wanted to live. To exist, to escape her prison and to finally know this world besides the pain. That desire gave her enough humanity to manifest her own EGO.

All with the purpose of seeking the One Book that'd give her humanity, and, in her eyes, make her finally complete and able to live in happiness.

The most important part of LoR for this analysis is the Floor of Religion, and Hokma's view of faith. Honestly I'd recommend watching through all of these because it's so poignant. Or better yet, watch Hydrojoy's Angela video (the fact they've got so few subscribers with this level of analysis is a crime honestly).

Some lines I want to focus on, though, are these:

Things without purpose shall disappear. People without purpose will similarly expire.

Angela admits to herself that she doesn't know what she's doing. She's simply chasing some sort of meaning - revenge, freedom from her robotic condition, power, knowledge, anything that'll give her fulfilment.

And in the forgiveness route, she finally finds that in companionship of Roland and, I'd like to think, the Librarians.

But if she doesn't forgive, she ends up losing any purpose besides continuous revenge. There is no companionship when the Librarians turn on her for betraying them. There's no use in being human when it doesn't benefit her mission, and frankly just makes it harder because it makes her easier to harm. There's no point leaving the library when outside will not welcome her, it's much safer to stay inside forever.

There is no point to anything. Angela's revenge is hollow, really - Ayin is dead and no amount of sticking it to him will earn a response from a dead guy.

Enter the Book Hunter.

I will be honest in saying I don't fully understand what they both mean, with them speaking in sort of vague terms. It sounds like Bari was employed by Angela to kill other Book Hunters (perhaps in exchange for knowledge?).

What matters to me, though, are the final lines - the recognition of what Angela is and delivering death to the last librarian.

3. The Scholar of Meaning and the Reaper of the Meaningless

As the Limbus wiki points out, Bari is likely named after a Korean funerary goddess who sought both a healing river and a flower of immortality. But this influence strikes me especially in the context of her being an immortal who meets a lot of other (and often younger) immortals.

She's wise to the fact that all things need meaning to exist. They need an ambition, a wish, something to strive for.

So she attempts to give it to them.

This is shown not just explicitly with Quixote senior, but also with Quixote junior after Sancho gives up her memory, itself a form of death Bari guides her to. For 200 years, Bari made sure to visit Don Quixote and leave her letters so that this person who was once a dear friend may dream, may have meaning and a purpose in her immortal life.

Because you need something to drive you in life, be it becoming a legendary fixer, creating a place where Bloodfiends can live in peace with humans, or searching for a flower which grew from the mysterious rivers flowing through your world.

And if you have lost purpose and can no longer find one, if she cannot save you from that void, she will be there to put you out of your misery, for a meaningless eternity is its own sort of hell, and cruelty it perpetuates is nothing but needless.

In her own words - you must pursue your dream, even if it means wagering your life in the chase.

I think Bari's view of the Bloodfiends' illness and what Carmen describes as the disease humanity could be similar if not the same thing. Roland says in Floor of Religion's first episode that the City has no established religion - people focus on their immediate survival, suffering is everpresent, and the more organised religious-seeming groups are cults trying to exploit you.

The City has lost its purpose. People do not dream, or are not allowed to for long because those dreams are swiftly quashed. Carmen offers an out to suffering through becoming so unapologetically yourself you gain the power to enact your will on the world, for better or worse.

Bari seeks, I think, to give the same, but through simple companionship. Not cohersion, not magic, but through the same thing that has given so many people across this franchise meaning - having a friend to be there for you as you look for what drives you. Because to be alone in meaninglessness is the most cruel and difficult thing. I wonder if she knows that from experience...

I really hope we get more of Bari in the future so I can see if my analysis is more fanfiction than truth but with just the bits we have I have to say she's one of my favourite secondary characters in Limbus.

[zachdefense]

can't stop thinking about how Gnosia is the absolute weirdest game I've ever played from a design perspective (complementary). How did they ever make a single-player social-deduction roguelike visual novel with rpg elements? How did they make it so good?

It's a classic Werewolf/Mafia game in space. The roguelike nature means it's actually a puzzle you have to figure out each time, instead of just picking up on story hints and foreshadowing. And you not only get to learn things about the other players, you have to get to know them to know how to read and manipulate them. Where other games need you to learn "After you dodge twice, the boss is open to attacks", Gnosia needs you to learn "Jonas will always trust Kurushka, so if you're suspicious of her then you should make sure he doesn't have many allies either" or "People really like Otome so don't accuse her of anything before building up some goodwill of your own". It's been a couple years since I played it but I still remember all of these character interactions because they're not only fun characters in the story, but understanding them is integral to the actual gameplay.

And speaking of gameplay, the rpg elements are just perfect. Your stats are things like "Draw less attention from the imposters when you're outspoken in trials" and "People trust your accusations more". By putting those things in plain text as stats they can be changed, it makes the player keep them in mind as game mechanics. If you get killed off early, it feels less like "wow the rng sucks" and more like "maybe I should accuse people less and so I don't get targeted, even if it means more people getting killed". It's a great way of making sure that these mechanics aren't just tutorialized once and forgotten, but that they're top of mind as solutions to problems.

They made it all mesh together so well. And I haven't even talked about the story yet, the story is also real good, but the design is just *chef's kiss*

[bonefall]

Hi Bones!! Thank you for you hard work on this project and for sharing it with us!

I've seen your posts about weird representation of society (regarding the "natural order of things") in xenofiction, especially in lion king, so I wanted to ask:

could you recommend any xenofiction media that has all (or most of the) animal species sapient? Or is the only solution to make just one or two species sapient while the others (especially prey) are plain animals?

Really sorry if you've seen this ask from me before - my account had a weird laggy period when I couldn't send or receive messages and asks, so I don't know if you got the previous one! I just know that now it's fixed so I double all the asks sent haha

Honestly I'm not totally sure! If any 3rd person has some good recommendations for "every being is alive" xenofiction types, feel free to weigh in.

If you want to jump in with me though, I am following the webcomic Africa. It updates every Wednesday. Africa is about a mother Leopard on the verge of a great ecological disaster, the relationship between her children and the animals around her, and the strength of both instinct and choice as the characters face an uncertain future.

Since it's ongoing, I still don't know how it's going to end and can't judge it as a full work! But it's absolutely fascinating and I think the author is doing a fantastic job so far. Bonus points for the way it portrays humans, btw.

No more spoilers though, if you're interested, it's on Webtoons.

(I'm also planning to read Oren's Forge soon. Ask me about it again in a few months over on Bonebabbles and I'll give you my thoughts)

As an aside though, funny you mention it because like... ever since I was a kid I've had a story I want to tell with the premise. It's a scintilla I've kept close to me for well over a decade but haven't done anything official with. So this is actually a theme I've thought about a lot.

It's rare to see it done well though because like... its very premise butts heads with reality. The "natural order" that an animal follows is not something it moralizes. A tiger doesn't have the capacity to think about how fucked up it is to kill to stay alive, the deer doesn't know that if its population isn't controlled it will destroy the forest.

They're animals. They don't HAVE that agency. Your dog does not care about being sterilized. A snake doesn't differentiate between a pinky and an adult mouse except in terms of if it will fit in its mouth. But the minute you put human morality in there... they have the ability to reason, create and agree on the rules of a society, make choices about MORALITY.

If nothing is going to change about their world, you just end up putting human arguments about "natural order" in their mouths and, well... start telling a parable justifying this "natural order."

(Genuine) Does what I'm saying make sense? Animals DON'T rationalize or negotiate. HUMANS do.

So the minute you're approaching a world with that logic, like it or not, you are invoking those "arguments from nature." And you're putting them in a being that is not fully an animal or a human, but an anthropomorphic mix which CAN rationalize but WON'T make an effort to change their world.

(Which is why tbh the best examples i know of are works with a theme of "change.")

OH WAIT I also remember another that's interesting!! Leafy: Hen into the Wild actually has a fascinating take on it. It's not interested in "moralizing" or really being about an animal society. It's a very emotional sort of movie, and it's about joys in adversity, the freedom that choice gives you, how bad things are going to happen and you can never completely prevent them.

INTENSE movie emotionally, the ending will wreck you (especially in the English translation which leaves out a really important theme making it feel abrupt x_x) but it's really good. Check that one out.

OH and also You Are Umasou. That one has more pitfalls imo (it does try to moralize a bit) but it's super unique as a movie. And is about dinosaurs.

[keydekyie]

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕄𝕠𝕥𝕙 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔹𝕖𝕒𝕣

~Frequently asked questions~

Wondering what the hell that human-faced bear monster was that you saw on your dash? Can't figure out whether it's supposed to be scary or cute? Confused deeply?

Well do I have the solution for you: All your questions answered, and more!

First of all: what am I looking at?

The creature you've seen is called a Kanai. They're basically a sphinx, a creature with a human face, but instead of the body of a lion, it's a bear! It's not that weird! (right?) Oh, and they're also the size of a house. Don't worry about it, it's fine. It's fine.

What is this setting?

The story is set in my headworld, which is a sort of an alternate-reality Earth, and specifically in a country called Kellabor. Here's a big worldbuilding dump if you're curious, but there's no need to read it all before diving into the books. You'll discover everything important along the way.

So there are books?

Yes! I've written three books in the series, and am working on the fourth and final book. I have a masterpost explaining them with content warnings here.

Okay but what is the story about? What happens?

It's a very PG (maybe edging on PG-13 in the fourth book) slow-burn fantasy romance adventure story with a dash of horror.

Oh, so there's romance?

Yep! It's been planned that way since the first words I put down. If you get through the first two books and are wondering where the hell the romance happens, just remember: it's a slow burn. A sloooow burn. We'll get there.

How many books are there going to be?

So far, I'm planning on four. Originally, I had three planned, but the second one was getting too long and I had to split it in half. That's why book II: The Crossing ends on a cliffhanger. Don't worry, it's not going to take four books to get to the cute parts.

Is there going to be a happy ending?

Yes! Yes, I promise there will be a happy ending. Might not, uh... seem very likely, at times, but yes.

What's the inspiration behind this story?

If you want a long, somewhat-spoilery answer, you can read this, but the tl;dr non-spoilery version is:

I wanted to write a story about a monster and a human where the monster is the one facing the ethical dilemma, and they come to be friends and care about each other. And go on adventures. And love each other.

Wait, so... are the giant bear monsters the good guys?

Um... yes and no. There really aren't clear good guys or bad guys in this story. I'm going to have to ask you to have a bit of an open mind, here.

Okay, but I swear I saw a gif of one of these monsters eating someone. Was that from this?

Yeah, that gif is from a side-project set in the same world. It's a little more explicit than anything that happens on screen in TMatB, but let's just say it's not... uncharacteristic. That's the dash of horror I mentioned.

Listen... it's the dash of horror that makes the cute stuff that much cuter. The horror is the flavor. Trust me on this one.

Wait so if the bear monsters eat people, how are they not obviously the bad guys?

It's complicated! You'll find nothing is black and white here in Kellabor. The country has a long, mysterious, complex history, and so do each of my characters.

Okay but... what happens, though? Who's this girl I keep seeing in these drawings? Why does it sometimes seem like they are enemies and sometimes not?

The protagonists start out in conflict in book I due to ✨circumstances✨. They have a lot of issues to work out. Depending on where they are in the story, drawings of them might show them being more antagonistic or more sweet. It'll all make sense with context.

I'm still confused...

Ask box is always open! ♥️

You can get the books on my webbed site: graceohare.com

[polyamorousmood]

My gf (mtf) is fairly monogamous but I'm not necessarily, especially with sex. I have an offer from our mutual male friend (cis) to try penetration since I (afab nb) am terrified but curious about it and he's one of the only cis guys I'd feel comfortable trying that with. I have hooked up with him once before, prior to meeting my gf, and it was really good. My gf is fairly supportive about it, one of the things that really works for us sex-wise is that neither of us want penetration in our relationship. I'm just absolutely terrified of making her insecure and ruining her friendship with our friend. I know I can function fine with blurring the lines between sex, friends, and partners, but she's got the trauma of an ultra-Christian childhood and has so much constant dysphoria that I'm scared something like this could ruin our relationship. We talked so much when he first offered and I know she's not opposed, but I just keep thinking about all the horror stories I've read about couples opening up their relationship or trying poly after being mono and it ruining them. Especially if I end up wanting it more than just once with our friend. I don't particularly need advice, I'm just laying in bed next to her in the dark scrolling horrifying stories on Reddit while talking with our friend over text getting all up in my head about our dynamics and I don't have anyone to vent to about this right now. I figure a polyam blog on tumblr will at least understand that nuances that come with figuring this stuff out. Thanks for listening

It's really fair that you'd be worried about this, and it's a really good sign for everything that you want to do this consciously and carefully - if at all. Sincerely the worst thing about polyamory (and related things) is how isolating it can be. 😣Oftentimes, the only person you can even discuss problems with is the partner who is also all up in the problem. Which I clearly don't need to explain to you how that sucks.

You said you didn't need anything but listening. But like, it's me. So.... 🤷‍♀️

Reddit and the forums are the mother of all selection biases: happy people generally don't feel the need to post about their lives online, and people who have found something sustainable but not completely perfect don't feel like their input is valuable because they "still have problems" even though how things can work really well or well enough is probably some of the most valuable information to you!

It's not your fault if your partner lies about or grossly mis-estimates her okayness level on this. And if she is the type of person to usually lies about or grossly mis-estimates her okayness level with things, its bound to be a problem at some point, even if you can successfully avoid it being a problem on this one issue by being really anxious.

🗣📢EXPLICITLY UNSOLICITED ADVICE WARNING🚨🚨 Everything up to this point could be construed as "just thoughts" but the following is unambiguously advice. Stop reading now if you want to continue in your unadvized state. She cannot assure you with 100% certainty she will not have a problem with it. If she tries, all she'll do is lock herself into not being able to tell you if she does. The only helpful thing in these situations I have found is to establish a procedure for what to do if there is a problem. Give her the tools to find something that's comfortable for her. Give her the certainty that you will listen to her, talk things through (which is sometimes a solution on its own!), and not hold it against her if you need to make changes. Then you can rest assured if there are problems, they won't last.

When you're doing "but I don't want to hurt herrrrrr😖" anxiety calculus, remember your non monogamous tendencies probably aren't going to stop! So also evaluate if you'd be okay with never ever doing anything with someone besides your gf. And if you're not. It will probably hurt her worse if you say you're fine with staying monogamous forever now, and then feel like you're about to snap two years later. So just like. Factor that into your calculations, too, haha!😅

And as a close

I'm with you. I feel you. This blog has DMs open if you want to talk more organically or about details you don't want to be public. No matter how this shakes out, you will get through to the other side.💙💖🖤

[sojirosteacup]

Boys Over Flowers fic recs

Here is my fic rec list for 2024! Not all fanfics are from this year, these are just the ones I caught myself reading and enjoying.

Bearing Weight by Kalira

Woo Bin would do anything for his friends - for any of them. If all he can do is be there, and try to pry Ji Hoo out of his own head . . . well, that's what he's there for. Whether Ji Hoo really wants to allow support or not.

This one was a nice gem to find this year. I love fics focused on the F4 friendship and the Woobin and Jihoo one has been on my mind lately (mostly because I keep writing them interacting in my own fic), so I was very happy when I saw someone post a fic focused on them. It's great and a nice character exploration of them (and even Jihoo's grandfather)!

A Chance Encounter by GrannyWeatherwax

Alternate Universe Five years after Gu Jun Pyo goes ahead with his marriage to Ha Jae Kyung, Gu Jun Pyo and Geum Jan Di find themselves snowed-in at a familiar ski resort on Christmas Eve.

I've recommended this one before and I'll recommend it again because I can. I don't know why I keep reading AUs where things start out wrong for this ship, I think I just like suffering 😂. My favorite thing in this fic is how the writer got in Jandi's head and her job.

Daomings Play for Keeps by Anna_Dromeda

Set during episode eight, Shancai never goes down to the beach and kisses Lei, but instead wakes up Ah Si in her usual violent manner and tells him to get his lazy butt down to the beach to comfort his friend during his time of crisis. This goes about as well as you would expect. Shancai, realizing she has feelings for both boys, gets it into her head that she is just a game to Daoming Si, and vows to play to win. Her proposal? A one-month trial period of no fighting or possessive idiocy. His solution? A relationship agreement. What could possibly go wrong here?

This fic is so funny i can't even begin to describe it. Love the interactions between the F4 and how over the top everything is (very in character). Seriously recommend.

Even If I Can’t Remember You by Toffeemond

Tsukasa didn’t remember Tsukushi and that was the end to their love story. Or it should have been. But eight years later, two grown people get a second chance to pick up the pieces and try again.

Again, I'm torturing myself with a fic where this ship start out suffering. It's really good and the side ships caught me by surprise. Waiting for the updates.

The Imperial House by HelenRourke

Tsukushi Makino wanted nothing more than to live an ordinary life. Enrolled as a scholarship student at the elite Eitoku Academy, she was counting down the days until she graduated. Then she could reach her goal of going to a University in America. However, she didn’t know her future had been decided for her, by her grandfather, before she had ever been born. What fate, you may ask? It seems that Tsukushi has been destined to marry the Prince of Japan.

This one started recently, so it only has two chapters yet but I'm keeping an eye on it because it looks promising. I've always wanted to read a royalty au about them!

[threerattsinatrenchcoat]

12, 14, 17 for fic writer asks! :)

12: trope I'm really into

I did a stupid laugh reading this question. I'm really into the "they asked for no pickles" trope. Heists, I've been trying to figure out how to write one forever and I keep getting paralyzed, but watching heist movies is my comfort. The one where you apply modern technological/programming ideas to fantasy worlds. The sunshine and storm cloud couple.

14. Where do I get inspiration?

1) Daydreaming. Whenever I do anything physical I daydream and a lot of that is "what if this character did this?" Most of them are silly but if I get a scene I like I'll write it and that might turn into something. I try to not dismiss any idea.

2) I get it a lot of inspiration from other people. Shadows of the Lost came from a post about imperialism and the Gerudos' relationship with death/zonai came from a post about lore theories. Flowers was based on a tumblr post about flower language. Arcanus Fisticuffus was from the MMMay posts, Wine, Iron and Other Damnables from a post about enchanted weapons. Stranger Flames have Burned was from a @naughtybg3confessions post. I always try to link my sources in fics!

3) Talking with people, especially joking about things. I feel like I'm always taking my jokes to absurd levels, but in Arcanus Fisticuffus the idea for Liam and Cal to be filling everyone's heads with stories about Rolan came from a bit where they were going to make sure he won (as well as the incoming cobra kai jokes). Honeypot came from a joking demand for a thirst fic. Hornoscopes from joking about horoscopes. Sometimes an individual inspires a fic and I usually gift that fic to them.

4) Going off that, writing absurd stuff and trying to make it work, like when Astarion and Minthara crash a patriar party to make sure Wyll is getting the respect he deserves in Dance, or when I explain the "fade to black" sex scenes at Sharess's Caress... and then involve shovel (Sharess's Mess).

5) Exchanges! I've written a lot for exchanges.

6) Fixing problems I have with the story or finding solutions to things that make me uncomfortable. Like, I don't want to write overly gendered language/insults. That led to my current fic-canon (which I don't remember if it made it into my published fics but if not, I'm going to fix that) where Ganondorf being male doesn't make him the leader; it's that he's Ganondorf, the same guy, reincarnated. And that led to Gerudo having a huge reincarnation culture that lined up nicely with the lore post I linked above.

17) talk about your writing and editing process

I write on my phone, in google drive. I'm not stoked about this set up but it means I can write while waiting in line or on a walk so I do it.

I make a new doc for each fic, put in the prompt or idea I have, and then let it sit until something hooks me. Rarely am I'm writing at this point, but I might be researching or brainstorming. All links, ideas, notes, etc, go into the doc. Everything stays in the doc until I'm finished.

For long fics, I have to break it out once the total work count is around 30k because drive gets wonky. For short fics I do not do all this prep haha

I often make a list of character beliefs, lore, vocab for me to reference. Examples (sorry for the photos of text):

Dialogue patterns:

And body language (or kinks, erogenous zones, etc):

I usually write a few scenes I like first, or a bunch of random lines. Those might not make it into the story, but I'm the kind of person who has to do something to figure it out? I can't think my way through it (or, at least, I haven't tried to build that skill).

I often pick a "voice" scene, which is the scene I read to remember the voice the rest of the story should be written in. If possible, I read that scene before I write new stuff.

I edit as I go, normally. I usually make notes of what I want to add at other points so I don't forget

I also make a timeline:

And I try to note any plot holes, any points where I can put hooks or foreshadowing in, etc.

Once a story is done I go back through the "to add" list and make sure it's in the story, try to patch holes, make sure it matches the timeline, make sure the characters match my notes, etc.

I also break it out into chapters that are about 3000-5000 words long (if it's not already there) and rewrite the endings of each to feel nice.

I write up my fic breakdown (for long fics) and link my resources.

Then I make my partner read it. They do it solely to amuse me/hype me up and they are amazing.

Then I post it! And the moment I post it I notice 5,000 errors.

[prince-simon]

Hi I was reading one of your fanfics and I came across this bit "he felt trapped, and scared, and was reminded of the times this would happen to him as a child, touch starved but scared to be touched" and I have never related to anything more. Do you know what that is? I'm sorry I'm only asking because I hope you know more about it than i do as you included it. Is it normal? Sorry for bugging you, it's ok if you don't know. Also your fanfics are AMAZING and have brought me a LOT of comfort

hi friend! first of all, i totally had to go through my recent fics to figure out which one you're referring to hahaha

but okay. story time! (disclaimer: the story sounds very scary in the beginning, and i'd be lying if i said it was comfortable but i decided to tell the whole story to hopefully give you some comfort? so. content warning for a bit of medical talk and medical conditions and mental health stuff under the cut)

so this whole thing about wille's legs/body spasming when touched (unexpectedly) is actually taken from personal experience. i haven't always had it, not that i know of at least, but there was a point when i was maybe. 16? maybe a bit younger? where i got slight tremors in my legs and over one or two weeks it just got more intense so my parents set up an appointment with our family doctor who referred me to a neurologist where i got a brain scan and everything. bc i - and my parents - went to the worst case scenario which to me was like wondering if this was some form of parkinson's disease i was developing (the thing i remember most about this is that we waited in the neurologist's waiting room for four hours even though we had an appointment only to be in the actual office with the doctor for like. 5 minutes) my brain scans came back fine and i guess i was too young to fully pay attention or understand what the doctor was saying but he's a doctor so he went with the natural solution of prescribing me meds. i ended up taking beta blockers for idk how long which worked for a bit to suppress the symptoms before the tremors came back. the doctor upped the dosage and again. it worked for a bit but i and my parents were like. am i gonna have to take these for the rest of my life? what's going on? i didn't wanna do this so my mum suggested going more of a natural route so we tried homeopathy. that guy slowly weaned me off the meds and instead gave me a bit of therapy which. lo and behold. helped. again. for a bit. at least i didn't have the tremors frequently anymore

in hindsight, i now know that it's very likely a symptom of anxiety and overstimulation in moments where my whole body just gets overwhelmed - i've had social situations in which i had just socialised so much and was also just really tired where a close friend would touch me and i'd just start spasming and just generally when i'm in stressful situations it can happen. sometimes it happens when i'm driving and something unexpected happens which is a fucking grim time bc i kinda need my legs for driving lol

so uh yeah. this was a lot of rambling i'm sorry. but tldr; for me personally those tremors are anxiety related

i hope this helped! you're also always welcome to slide into my dm's if you wanna talk more about this/your own experiences

either way i'm glad my stories bring you comfort!

[zaenaris]

You know, re-thinking about the moment where Koko brings Takemichi to Inupi and I realized that Koko told him that South is dead and that Senju has been defeated/that Brahman is over.

Inupi knows who is South, that's the guy who kidnapped him and threw him from his bike few days before. He also knows who is Senju, he sees her fight and he knows what Brahman is since Waka, Benkei and Draken was into it.

When Koko told him that, Inupi looks :/ like "what happened in few hours?!" but not really suprised maybe because he knew that there was going to be a battle this day.

But Koko doesn't tell him that Draken is dead. I don't think that Inupi is aware of it. The Shop was still open, he was working on a bike and Draken is dead like 1 hour before, more or less. Inupi isn't his family, so the hospital has probably not call him.

And I can't stop myself to think that Koko was afraid to tell him. Maybe because he felt bad/guilty to not have seen that coming, maybe because he's still shocked that Mikey has been so indifferent. Maybe he doesn't want to be the one to tell Inupi that he has lost someone AGAIN and that he still can't stay with him after that. He knows that Inupi could have a lot of financial problems with dealing with the shop alone (i remember a comic on pixiv where Koko, after the final battle, was invited to Inupi home and was very sad to see all the factures that Inupi tried to fill)

yes, I think about it all the time. Inupi knew that something was about to happen since he's the one that informed Draken. I've read somewhere in the past that maybe Inupi feels guilty about informing Draken since this led him to the battlefield where he was killed (new fear unlocked lol. Of course it's not Inupi's fault but still)

Of course, Koko taking Takemichi to Inupi sure wasn't the most logical solution, but I understand it was taken in the heat of the moment, people were literally already dead, and we know Koko's first thought is always Inupi

Michi himself was in critical conditions, so of course they know they couldn't really talk too much but they still manage to exchange one of the most touching conversations of the manga

Koko knew he couldn't really stay there too much, he literally says in ch.237 that he had to "clean up that mess", so I guess there wasn't really time

Probably there was a lot of confusion on the battlefield, plus KMG arrived after Draken was shoot, Mikey is apathetic (which Koko noticed) and comments he feels empty before the Dark Impulses take control of him (killing South and almost killing Takemichi as well. I remember that at the time many feared Mikey would have attacked Koko as well when he yelled Mikey to stop!)

For sure he understood that something bad happened to Draken, (I'm re-reading those chapter) Takeomi wanted revenge for Draken's death and he yelled it, but again, there was so much chaos that we don't really know if Koko actually heard it. Anyway, Koko is smart, for sure he understood more or less the situation even if it was chaotic but of course when he met Inupi there was no time too explain everything

Let's assume he knew Draken died, there was nothing to do about it, and he took Michi to Inupi to at least save him, so maybe he didn't want to upset Inupi more than he already was seeing Takemichi like that, besides he couldn't stay with Inupi, he had to come back,, so he couldn't even comfort him

If he didn't really know what happened, or better, he had just guessed what happened but wasn't sure,once again, he wouldn't have wanted to upset Inupi with something he wasn't sure of

So long story short, I guess Koko felt bad anyway because he couldn't say anything to Inupi about Draken, whether he was sure Draken died or only guessed his death in the chaos

I like to think that Draken's death is one of the many things they discuss about once they reunite for real and had time to actually talk.

D&D is a young business, it's normal at the beginning there's not a lot of income, of course the death of half of the personnel and co-founder is a really a hard blow, especially since in the meanwhile Inupi and Draken were also friends, beside business partners.

D&D was their dream job in a field they loved, it meant a lot for them, I'm sure it was difficult for Inupi for so many reasons, emotionally and financially. Koko would feel bad he didn't say anything to Inupi, but Inupi gets why Koko didn't talk, he understands. He just appreciated that after the battle Koko is there with him to face all the situation together.

[aliengirllogs]

Alright, I decided first I should expand upon something in my first post just in case the nosier people of this app want to read this like a story it transitions smoother. So without further-a-do welcome to the memories post. My memory is tragically spotty. I don't remember my early childhood outside things people have told me later on or more traumatic stuff. Most therapists I've talked to say the bad memory is a c-ptsd thing but also that doesn't make sense cause it's like only the worst memories stuck and instead all the other moments disappeared. It's not like repression for sure. Either way I struggle with my memory issues a lot. In fact my biggest most existential fear as of currently is the possibility that I might not remember any of my life as I get older I'll be 30 with no memory of my 20s or 40 and no memory of anything before 30. The timeline of my life only gets longer and that's only more and more I will forget. I desperately play every memory game and read tons of books in hopes of approving it but there's always this looming what if scenario where it's all for naughty. I actually noticed this looong ago the first time. In middle school I noticed I couldn't remember any of my friends. You see I have a tendency to have a single friend until something happens and move onto the next friend rather than having multiple. That's actually something I've been trying to be better with as well but a younger me noticed even though I had such a long storied line of them and knew I did I didn't remember any of them outside the one I was currently hanging around so while at recess on time I promised myself I'd always remember him. I just stared and took in his face and must've said his name 100 times repeatedly in my head. My brain must be a masochist cause nothing hurts more than the fact I remember this situation so vividly the moment of staring at his face naked into my mind but where her was is just a black space I remember the surround situation and playground so so intensely but when I try to focus on him it's as if he was erased. I don't even remember his name only the fact I repeated it so many times and desperately wanted to remember it. Now obviously a playground friend from middle school isn't the end all be all as they say so this would hurt so bad if it wasn't for me finding similar things happening for a more important moment. My grandfather was a man who irreversibly changed the course of my life for the better. He was a hardened man with a soft spot for me and my sister. He was honestly the only blood relative I can look back at and genuinely say didn't at some point give up on me. He died not even a couple years ago. Even with what could've been his last breath he used it to change me for the better making me promise never to smoke like him as it's what did him in. I can remember the promise.. the joy.. the situations.. but not his face. Some people have proposed I may have some form of aphantasia as well. I don't think that can be true. My imagination is very active. Y'know how a lot of people sorta grow out of blurring reality with their imagination? Like as a kid you could pick up a stick and upon imagining it was a sword it was almost like the image was super-imposed over reality of that sword. Well I've actually never stopped being able to do that. A funny thing I actually do a lot is in scary situations where I'm staring into a dark hallway or something and need to lower my anxiety just to materialize the image of some absolute brainrot in it. I'll catch my ass making myself see the twerking she-hulk out in the woods from the window or something. So clearly not any type of aphantasia I know of. Anyway that's about it. I have a deep seed dread towards my lack of memory and desperately try any solution to help. Most of the proposed explanations even from professionals I sought help from don't feel right. It really messes with me.

[thegoddesswater]

Author Questionnaire Tag Game

Tagged by @tc-doherty - Thanks, Lano!

About Me

When did you start writing?

Forever ago, it feels like some days. The first time I was told I had a talent for telling a story was probably second grade, but I also definitely ruined one of my mom's recipe books by scribbling all over it "writing" a story that I was simultaneously telling to my brother when I was just a small kiddo. I don't think the scribbling really counts though.

Are there genres/themes you enjoy reading different to the ones you write?

Eh, sometimes, I guess. I've started reading more contemporary stuff in recent years, and it's not likely that I'll ever actually try to write that, but contemporary fiction is also absolutely not my favourite genre to read. Also, even though there are often a lot of romantic elements in what I write, I find that I'm super choosy when it comes to whether I like romance in books I'm reading.

For the most part, I'd say that the things I write and the things I read are at least similar, even if they're not exactly the same.

Is there an author you want to emulate, or one to whom you're often compared?

If I've ever had anyone compare my writing to an established author, I've genuinely forgotten who the comparison was to.

I don't really set out to emulate anyone in particular. I've got my own quirks and writing flair, and I'm pretty okay with that. I can swap styles when I need to, but I also like being able to feel like I've got my own voice.

There was a time when my friends tried to start a writers' circle and I was the only woman there. We started off with free writes and shared them, and I remember distinctly that one of the others there was like "Even if you hadn't read that out, I'd still know that it was written by you, I'd absolutely say 'Kelsey totally wrote that' because it sounds feminine." I could not decide what to do with that feedback. I still don't, actually.

Can you tell me a little about your writing space?

UH. It's...cluttered. I keep my personal laptop on my dining room table, a surface which has the unfortunate honour of being horizontal, and, therefore, a place where items tend to congregate when I set them down for "just a second". And there are so many sticky notes. Because I will scribble down thoughts on a post-it when I'm at work and then stick it near my laptop so I can use it later.

I also keep a notebook in my bedside table and will jot things down into that if I'm writing right before bed. That's a very casual writing space and not my favourite. Partly because the pen I use for it is simultaneously running out of ink and also drippy if I think too much before writing with it.

Honestly, my writing space can actually be anywhere though, because I have cloud-based novel software on my phone, so sometimes my writing space is public transit.

What's your most effective way to muster up some muse?

Dunno! If I want to write, I can usually write, but sometimes I'm just super not in the mood for it, and I have enough other things that I like to do that I don't try to force myself if it's not working.

Though if I need to write for a challenge (think NaNoWriMo), then I start off by just stream-of-consciousness dumping my brain out on the page for a while. It works like having one of those "conversations" with a friend where you go "I'm trying to figure out this bit in my story" and tell them everything and don't actually let them talk and then you figure out the issue and go "Great. Thanks. You're a big help." And then I find that I'm interested in writing out the solution and it's all terribly exciting.

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?

Probably? Like I'm sure there are things in my writing that are there because of where I've lived, but I don't think there's anything I could consciously identify.

And especially where I don't write in the real world, it's harder to identify. Though that being said, there is something about one of my settings that feels extremely American to me. I've only been to the United States a couple times, so I can't actually accurately judge why that is.

Are there any recurring themes of your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?

Honestly, I feel like I'm writing at my best (at least for first drafts) if I don't think about themes and just let the story happen. If I think too hard about something, it starts to get forced and stilted.

Grief shows up a lot -- a lot more than I would have expected way back when I started writing seriously, and I think I know why. It's not usually the focus of a story, but it's usually there, like a particular shade to tie a colour palette together. There's also lot of found-family type dynamics and just really broken characters sometimes. Neither of which exactly surprise me.

I also leave little things to amuse myself, that maybe someone will pick up on, but it's mostly dumb stuff like hiding a "James" somewhere like I'm early Pixar working with John Ratzenberger, or having a character say a clearance code that is a nod to another character that inspired part of his creation.

My Characters

Would you please tell me about your current favourite character?

I can't believe you're going to make me choose! My characters are the closest I'll ever have to my own children, I can't just choose a favouri-- It's Adair. My little sourpuss of a cyborg. He would be so mad to know that I've called him that -- mostly about the cyborg bit. Adair is contradictory, he craves affection and companionship, yet keeps people at arms length; he willingly signed away his autonomy and yearns for freedom; he's stuck in the structure of the military, but excels most when he does his own thing outside of the rules. He will do anything for the people he loves, but he can be an utter bastard to anyone outside that subset of...what, five?? people. He'll usually do the right thing, if begrudgingly and he's something of a reluctant hero, but he's really fun for me to write.

Which of your characters do you think you'd be friends with in real life?

I think a lot of the characters from Talentless/Wild Card would be people I would potentially get along with. I don't know if we would be friends exactly, but it would be possible to be friendly with them, with a couple of exceptions.

Not so much with Project 404's cast or Miadhachain Legacy's. Jance from ML and Cal from 404 would probably fall into the amiable-aquaintance-y category, though.

Which of your characters would you dislike most if you met them?

Probably General Vancil (Talentless/Wild Card), Voltain (Talentless/Wild Card), Chancellor Bardrick (ML), and most of anyone in the actual Miadhachain family (ML - duh). I honestly have no doubt that I'd probably get rubbed the wrong way by tons of other characters, but those are the ones that would be immediate dislike.

Tell me more about the process of coming up with your characters.

I guess my usually process goes "I need someone to fit this role" and then I start building from there. I'll use Cyri as an example.

Ages ago, I created a child character who was going to be following the main character around and causing shenanigans. I didn't want him to be an orphan, so I went "He needs parents. I don't want to worry about two parents. He needs parent. He can have a mom." I slapped the name Cyri on The Mom(TM) and called it day. At the time, I just dropped her into the story with no introduction when it was an appropriate moment for The Mom(TM) to arrive. Revisiting that story, I decided it would be better to introduce her earlier, so it wouldn't be weird when she showed up. And, suddenly that early intro scene leads to me starting to interrogate her a little bit: How did she wind up here? Why does her life look like it does in this moment? And thousands of words of playing around with her later, she went from being just The Mom (TM) to Cyri - a woman struggling to balance her protective nature with the fact that she knows that her son needs to go on these (somewhat ill-advised) adventures with the main character, because he needs to experience the world, and she can't give him that.

Other times, I come up with a name that I really like and go "Damn. If only you had a personality to go along with this" and then I'll start trying things on the name to see what fits. I have Aerun who is currently suffering from "Neat name, nothing else" which is a shame, because he feels like he's gonna be fun when he starts telling me about himself.

Do you notice any recurring themes/traits among your characters?

Lots of my characters are searching for "home", I think. Which is super not intentional. Also, I have a really weird set of occupations that I tend to give characters: Military roles, health care workers, assassins, tradespeople/artisans, and politicians. There are some stand alone occupations too, like the rock star and the figure skater, but otherwise there are a lot of characters falling into the above occupations.

And sometimes I wind up with characters from different stories who look similar if you write about them like a checklist of traits, but they present differently from each other in text.

How do you picture your characters?

Depends! Some of them I've got super solid ideas of what they look like and others...Not so much. I usually have a general idea of what characters look like with like...general height, body type, skin tone, eye colour, hair etc. But occasionally I'll watch a movie, see a picture, meet a person and I will know in my soul that I will have stumbled upon the most accurate portrayal of one of my characters. I'll mentally go "Oh my god! That's them. That is exactly what [character] looks like" and it's very fun when that happens.

It also happens sometimes with voices, for example, Hogarth from The Iron Giant is the most perfect match for the way Cyri's kid sounds.

I'll often make some kind of visual representation of the character, whether that's with a picrew or on the Sims or SOMETHING, but usually that representation is just close to what they look like.

My Writing

What's your reason for writing?

Because I have stories to tell?? Because I like to amuse myself? Because it makes me feel like I'm home?

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers?

I just love any comments! I'm never going to complain about the ones that I do get. Keyboard smashes make me giggle. People saying that they like what I put out is always fun. I do love when people share their thoughts with me though, because those are the ones that I come back to again and again when I need a boost; I love knowing that people are engaged with my writing, y'know?

How do you want to be thought of by those who read your work?

I genuinely don't understand the question. Like... Do I want them to think I'm good at writing? Sure. Would I like them to have the idea that I am not a terrible person? Also sure. Are we talking when I post things online? I'd like people to think I'm kinda approachable at least so there could be some kind of interaction perhaps?

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Probably my ability to create characters. My world building is sometimes iffy and my sentences can be utilitarian, but my characters? Love them, and I think they're one of the best things I do. They feel like people and old friends.

What have you been frequently told by others is your greatest strength as a writer?

Again, probably characters. I once wrote some OC-heavy fanfic and folks would literally tell me how much they loved the OCs. Which, particularly in the world of fanfic, I feel like says a lot.

When my sentences aren't just utilitarian, I can come up with some very poetic turns of phrase, which people also point out as a strength, but I've gotta say that mostly it's my characters.

How do you feel about your own writing?

When I am in the midst of writing it? Sometimes my feelings are definitely "I am terrible at this, but I can fix it later" and then when I revisit it, I often go "Damn, that's not bad, actually."

I will reread my own stories just because I love them so much. I have lost so many hundreds of hours going back through documents and rereading things. I wrote them to adhere to my desires, so why wouldn't I love them?

If you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write?

Probably! Assuming that I'm not spending all my time trying to survive as the lone person in some post-apocalyptic wasteland and needing to scavenge for food and water and find/maintain a shelter. Do I like sharing my stuff? Sure - though it's been a long time since I posted much of it anywhere people can find it, and now I freeze up a little bit at putting things out there again, but I digress.

If there was no one else around, I might actually write MORE because if I was the only person left alive in the entire freaking world, I would probably need something to entertain myself and fend off the crazies.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? if it’s a mix of the two, which holds the most influence?

I would say a little bit of both, but more what I enjoy. If I put something in that would be for someone else, it's more of a "I bet [Specific Friend] will also get a kick out of this moment" than a consideration for a nebulous future reader.

[resmyx]

The Legend of Risen Devils is a story best told in four parts. Aina is an unreliable storyteller, not because she's dishonest, but because she can't tell the difference between dreams and reality. Approach her in four different ways, and you'll hear four different stories.

These four stories are: Lessons, Personal, Factual, and Recovery. Links below to the other parts.

Legend of Risen Devils: Lessons

Legend of Risen Devils: Personal

Legend of Risen Devils: Recovery

Legend of Risen Devils: Factual

You're a hero. Your sword and armor clink with every step as you walk through the gardens and take a seat, like you're meant to be here. Then you remember your manners and take off your hat.

You wait for Aina to meet you here. You don't know what she looks like, but you've heard the legends. Her daydreams become reality. She's practically a goddess. There's some girl here waiting too on the next bench.

Eventually, you connect the dots and say, "Hey cute girl, maybe are you Aina? I've lost my way and I'm looking for the truth. I heard you know the truth I'm looking for. I'll listen...?"

It was the 2,584th year of the 4th age, right at the end of the age, when my parent's formula was solved. People should remember the date and event like it's a real thing. It's real to me. It's not just a story or a myth. It's for-sure not just a myth.

Remember the year. In 2584, everyone in applied anything is celebrating the 17th golden year and everyone wants to make a stunning discovery. Every golden year except the last, there's been huge advancements in all arcane research. The 16th golden year was 1597 for y'all not in applied mathemetics.

Technically the essentials of natural law were discovered in 1597, but my parents disliked the essentials, so it was just a myth to me. Maybe I should read about the essentials. Maybe the essentials were real and good. Maybe the hurry to discover something in that year was not as panicked as I had heard.

It was my parents' formula. It wasn't anyone else's; it was theirs. As their only child, I have a special mythical story... and I have a special opportunity to tell everyone about my real experiences. My parents brought an end to many worlds, plural, and they ended a golden age.

That formula led to the ascensions and the ascensions mark the beginning of the 5th age. We're living in the 5th age. It's not the next age, or the best age, or the nameless age. The 4th age was not a myth or legend.

The solution to my parents' formula involves opening breaches that never close. When this solution was proposed, my parents had a big fight over it. They'd never fought before.

Eira walked into that elemental chamber as a silly young girl with her favourite wooden fox mask. She emerged as a silly immortal fox-goddess with countless faces and countless tails. It was a success, and it marked the beginning of the ascensions and the 5th age.

With Eira's successful ascension, her father finally had the bravery to ascend himself. He ascended into time, and decided to offer ascension to anyone willing to pay for it, especially to disabled people like ascension was a cure for a sickness.

Legends tell of devils rising up from the earth to rule us from above. If you remain where you are, you will suffer their torment. This torment isn't for nothing. If you believe and you survive long enough the good in your heart and in others' hearts will someday convert the devils into gracious angels. If you prefer not to remain, you may rise to join the ranks of the risen devils of legend.

Please remember reality, my reality, and do not speak of the legends. In the 17th golden year, a research paper was published which coined the word "god" in a scientific context. It contained my parents' formula and Eira's father's solution. In the 5th age, scholars throughout the worlds began verifying the theory and performing ascensions.

In the 5th age, many prominent public figures became disabled, then recovered through ascension. It was harder to connect to elements through breaches and rifts. Many guessed that the elemental planes had been tainted by people flowing backwards through their breaches. Many stars found themselves without power as their rifts closed, forcing their billions of citizens to ascend or to die in the void.

In the 4th age, the world was a hollow sphere. There is no horizon because the land curves upwards the further away it is. With a good telescope, anyone can make a map of the whole world. People didn't live just in the land, they also lived in the sky. A few golden years ago large scale rift power was achieved, allowing whole cities of billions to fly and sustain themselves. My world was home to two or three trillion people, but it still felt small and cozy.

In the 5th age, there are 252 flat planes disconnected from one another. At the edge of every plane is an astral fog that appears grey and sparkly. Travel deep into the fog, and you'll find yourself floating in an endless black void that used to be the 4th age's sky. People in the 5th age call it the astral plane. The worlds of the 5th age are actually small, and quite claustrophobic to everyone from the 4th age.

Those aren't the only changes. More than specific people becoming disabled then the world at large, more than the world changing shape, magic changed too. People found they couldn't remember the langauge of magic anymore. Ritual magic became impossible. Books with the language of magic seemed to be gibberish.

In the 5th age, the only magic available was cursed in origin. My sisters and I suffered severe rift radiation growing up and our chaotic untamed magic remained. The ascended could invent their own magic. For everyone else... they had to roll for luck to get new classes of magic invented by the gods.

Want to guess how many people resisted? Only billions. How about uh, how many people still resist today? There's just us. We're hardly a million, maybe less. Here in Ferula, we are hidden away in a timeless place disconnected from the planescape. One day we will return. One day the gods will fear us.

Remember the heroine who brought us here. She ascended to the highest level of power with a pure heart. She was scarred by the worst of the gods. She seeks to free all of the world from the grasp of tyranny. She is the legend people should remember, but don't. Her name is Eliyra.

Legend of Risen Devils: Lessons

Legend of Risen Devils: Personal

Legend of Risen Devils: Recovery

[arleneworld22]

My week...

Well my bestie called me to acept my invitation to go to the FIL after our works this friday and this is an special oportunity 'cause I can't see him often because he lives at US (I promised to give him a coffee to the special touch hehe) I hope this time we don't have problems, most of the time after or before we meet his mom... I don't want to confirm anything, but looks like she always try to not let him meet me, because most of the time after we meet she acts in this... dramatic way, so I hope he doesn't get problems this time. Live music starts at 8pm btw.

The offer for this job... I don't wanted at first because of what I explained, but also because they didn't tell me where I'm going to work, but said some things that gave me some clues about where and I don't have a very good impression of there. But today when I handed in my documents and signed many things they already gave me more details, first, this is not an official contract, it's temporary for a few months (or maybe one who knows) but I can get all the benefits like an official position; but after some time if they see that I'm very good at it, they can offer me the official position, so it could be like a prove to that and see if I can do more of this kind of works. the process to this work is a little extended so maybe in may we can get the big news. Oh btw is in HR department so at least is something consistent with my career <3. Thank you so much for your supportive words, they helped me to feel a little less guilty and try to have a better attitude into this.

About your gf, I never think something bad about her, I pass for this kind of problems too, so there's no reason to that, but I've to admit that it crossed my mind "breakup because he wants her attention and because of her temper it's absurd", but this are common problems in a relationship with a pretty simple solution so all this time I was very worried about that xd, thanks for telling me that you are better now, I hope you continue nurture your relationship. <3

I really really like to know more about you, like thinking about you running somewhere, you studying, riding a bike, playing with your doggies...now I sound creep xd, well anyways I'm honest; I have 2 doggies too! Darwin has a son, his name is Jhonny "Bravo" (that's a short funny story, I'm going to tell you other day) he is almost 2 years old but still acting like a puppie, it's cute.

Last hour my dad told me that my grandma needs me to go to the US to accompany her to the hospital for check-ups, she has cancer since... I can't remember, maybe more than 8 years, but she gets careless recently and she gets very weak for that, she is getting a little better now so that's why she wants to go. Last year I accompany her to medical oppointments maaaany times in the US and thanks for that we spent a lot of time together and getting to know each other more <3. I discovered that she really likes to read a lot like me, that one of her favorite books is Robinson Crusoe and I liked that book too, we both are very distracted, we love go to shopping and look very closely at stores, we both like to talk about education topics, that we really enjoyed walking, also that we both have problems organizing our times and even more; my mom says that we are like twins and that's not exactly a good combo lol. So I know tomorrow is going to be a little tired, but well, I couldn't see her in like 2 months because of work so this is an opportunity to that, I hope I can bring her some flowers.

Champion’s dinner // Today’s sky

My camp half-blood t-shirt // Moon last night

There are more more more and MORE things that I want to write you but I have to sleep xd

[quietcaveat]

Disclaimers and whatnot.

Hi there, this is a venting and complaining discourse blog I made specifically to talk about issues related to sexuality or sex dysphoria since it kind of started stressing me out to see it on my main blog whenever I'd log on just to see something light-hearted for a laugh.

Bad-faith anons get ignored, should they crop up. I'm here to share experiences and open a dialogue or discussion because ultimately I care about finding the best possible solutions and answers for people and I only have the energy to spare for other people who also care about pursuing solutions and knowledge.

This is mostly a context post in case something isn't clear or got forgotten about.

About me & my history (as it relates to sex dysphoria):

[TLDR, I'm a 20-something adult with a history of sex dysphoria since early childhood that transitioned as a minor. As an adult I'm now medically detransitioning about 10 years later for health reasons and because my transition was unsuccessful, but have not yet decided if I will socially detransition or not.]

I'm a 20-something that has had persistent and unabated symptoms of sex dysphoria since early childhood, around 7 years old or so, which is as far back as I can remember anything at all. I was diagnosed with what was then called Gender Identity Disorder and later medically transitioned as a minor -- the very week I turned 15 was when I began HRT which I was approved for prior to turning 15. I was offered surgery while under 18 but refused several times to get doctors and parents alike to stop offering it to me, and I refused it because something felt off about doing it as a kid and so quickly after only just starting hormones. I waited and got the surgery done later as an adult and to this day am still happy that I got it done even though my results are not as great as I'd like them to be.

Now in my 20s I have discontinued medical transition due to health reasons and because my transition was unsuccessful in making me pass as an adult member of the opposite sex. My dysphoria is not as bad as it used to be before I transitioned but it is still quite bad and will never get any better in the future. Currently I'm still deciding whether to continue being social transitioned and weighing my options. The only label I definitively call myself is sex dysphoric and transitioned/post-transition since those are the only objective and unchanging truths of my situation.

I'm very familiar with the ins and outs of what it's like inside an adolescent transition clinic as an underage patient, and I'm very familiar with the details of transitioning from what hormones do to what a trans youth support group is like to how a name-change on different documents gets conducted to how insurance will refuse to cover transition surgeries unless they're labelled as medically necessary in the paperwork. My experiences are based mostly in pre-2020 USA so they may not apply to the European transition scene for example. I also like to read and follow studies and scientific findings about sex dysphoria, and I like to stay updated with current WPATH SoC and transition care procedures and models.

If anyone is ever curious about my experiences with anything I've witnessed or gone through, I'm happy to tell the stories either in a post, ask, or DM. It doesn't even have to be for or against any argument, we don't even have to agree on anything or even bring up debates at all, it can just be if you want to hear about what someone like me has been through.

Bullet list of general opinions:

Minors cannot consent, especially not to something as permanent, potentially harmful, and severe as a medical transition.

Sex dysphoria is a real condition that develops in utero and is permanent. This stems from studies and scientific evidence for which there are much better blogs than mine to find and read about, such as myragewillendworlds or gillygeewhiz.

Genders other than male and female do not exist. Intersex conditions are not new or other genders, they are disordered developmental conditions. See above recommendations for studies and scientific evidences about this.

Sex cannot be changed (as elated as I would be if such a change were possible.)

As far as I know, transition is the only way to alleviate symptoms of sex dysphoria. There is no cure and no way to get rid of it.

Transition might be the only treatment but it is not guaranteed to be effective. Until transition can have you magically grow natural, functioning organs of the opposite sex, it will never be a 100% cure and will not be effective for everybody.

Pronouns = sex (or perceived sex should it differ from sex.) They are identifiers of observations, not requests and outfits to don on a whim.

Neopronouns are harmful and ableist to sex dysphoric people (also called transphobia though I fear that word has lost its edge with its current overuse) by belittling and mocking a very serious and observable condition, equating it to 'pretending' to be something that isn't real.

Sex dysphoria is a very rare condition that affects less than 1% of the population. The majority of people claiming trans labels today are non-dysphorics that are either misdiagnosed or self-diagnosed (which is usually measurable by when and how symptoms appeared; sex dysphorics have a consistent, completely or near-completely lifelong history of symptoms.)

Affirmation care models are harmful to both sex dysphorics and non-dysphorics as it destroys spaces and resources for sex dysphorics by letting in people who do not need them and it misdiagnoses and mistreats said people with no need for dysphoric resources. Careful gatekeeping to make sure as little misdiagnoses occur as possible is important and beneficial to all parties.

Since humans can only be male or female, this also means human sexuality can either be solely same-sex attracted, solely opposite-sex attracted, both opposite- and same-sex attracted, or perhaps lack sexual attraction altogether -- homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, and asexual respectively. No other sexuality is possible.

Sex dysphoria's recognition as a condition is vital. Without it, transition care would be impossible to access for all but the wealthiest who can afford to pay for it out of pocket, since insurances don't cover cosmetic procedures.

That's all I can really think of at the moment.

[0thsense]

7/11/2023

Wow it's been a while hasn't it? I guess I've been doing okay. Gym is going great honestly. I deadlifted 300 pounds and my shoulders are looking great. My trainer is away for a month which is annoying but oh well. I started running, I've gone two times so far and we will see how it continues. Dave the diver is fun. Started up stardew with Lily and Holly because Lily is/was going through a tough time, and Alex joined us. It's honestly not that fun but I feel sort of obligated to keep playing. In the past I think I would've found a solution or method for how to behave during our sessions to fulfill the goals of keeping Lily's mental up and also having fun. I learned that Alex had a bit of a crush on Lily and that definitely colors the experience a bit. Honestly over various points in my life I've thought about what it'd be like to be in a relationship with Lily. I don't think it would work out, and at this age in our lives I can't do that to her. Honestly I wouldn't feel good about Lily and Alex being together either, for Lily's sake.

I've been thinking a bit about how people in jolly have developed. In particular Ned who wanted to be a teacher and now has decided he just wants to retire early. He mentioned when he visited that it's okay to believe in what you want to if things are unclear, such as when it comes to nature vs nurture. He also alluded to not believing in christianity because then he would be obligated to give a lot of his money away basically. I used to think that people in jolly were less selfish than average, but it's probably not the case. If anything they are more selfish I think. It's left me a little disillusioned. I do think there's nothing wrong with being selfish, and it's the natural way most people live. But I wish more of my close friends were gripped with desire to do more beyond just secure the wellbeing of themselves and their loved ones. Of course by my actions I am a complete hypocrite here. I have done nothing for a world and for all I know I will just be a leech the rest of my life.

That last sentence was definitely my self hate coming up involuntarily. The latest theory in me-town for why I can't do work is that when I try, it triggers all of my self hate that I can suppress or distract myself from when I'm doing other things, even going to the gym. Confronting it is difficult. I don't remember if I've talked about this before but I'm also beset with feelings that I'm just not built well for our current society, which further makes me think that I will make nothing of myself, or that it's not even possible. Unlike Ned who believes strongly in free will, I believe strongly in determinism. I think that much of your personality lies in your genetics. I'd like to know what societal roles my ancestors filled during the hunter gatherer days, and find the analogue in current society if it still exists. You know how some successful people talk about finding what they were meant for? From a genetics perspective, because our society has changed so rapidly, many people have nothing they are built for today.

I'm thinking about trying to write a short story, but I'm not sure where to start writing. The initial setup for these things is always unbelievably annoying. I read on the chatgpt nsfw subreddit about erotica authors relying on spending enormous effort prompting chatgpt to write for them, and I can't help but wonder why they became authors in the first place. I wonder if they feel empty, or if they actually just feel perfectly fine. I think that the emptiness that bag-securing dispassionate people are accused of might actually just be projection from people who feel empty/would feel empty from not achieving "loftier" goals. But I wonder what's the source of the difference. I remember asking Martin about his goals a while ago, and he didn't really have any. I really wonder what's the difference.