#I've never posted anything like this but I need for people to tell me they get this like i do
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Preventing Activist Burnout
One thing about me is that I was really into activism as a teenager until I got burnt out as a result of how I was doing it and couldn't engage in politics at all without having a panic attack. It's only been in these past 3 months that I've been able to get into it again, and this time I'm not gonna let burnout happen. Here's how to do it:
1. Pick a struggle
OK, so the title of this section is a little tongue-in-cheek, but seriously, you can't do it all. What you can do, though, is choose what's most productive, and do that. For me, the focus is on making sure nobody in my local area goes hungry, and national disability rights when I have the energy.
Let's say that there's only one can of water, but you have 50 plants. If you try and water them all, some will get left out, you'll have no water left for yourself, and they'll all die because you're not giving them water consistently. If you pick one or two plants to water, they'll stay alive, which is one or two more than if you tried the first one. The beauty of activism is that you're not alone; you watering just those couple of plants means that other people can focus on the other plants, and every plant can survive.
2. Turn off the news
You will not find anything of value there. Humans were not made to be bombarded with all the most awful information, unable to do anything about most of it. You will break down if you do this. If something's that big of a deal, your comrades will be talking about it. Staying the bare minimum of informed about anything that isn't your focus is possible through osmosis.
3. Graphic imagery
I have seen people brag about having nightmares because of what they expose themselves to in the name of activism. Let me make one thing clear: watching people dying all the time is not activism; it's torture porn. You are not heroically withstanding the evils of this world, you're just sensitising yourself more and more to violence.
Furthermore, you're linking activism with the feeling you get from watching those videos, putting yourself into fight/flight/freeze mode. If you go into flight or freeze, you won't be helping because the topic will cause avoidance. If you go into fight, you're acting impulsively and out of fear, and might not make the choices that would be most effective or beneficial. Just don't do it, you're not helping the cause or yourself.
4. Boundaries
Treat activism like a job. Have a second account where you post and consume activist stuff, so your dashboard or FYP or whatever isn't literally always telling you the worst things. Set aside particular times of the day or week to participate in your activism, and don't engage outside of those times. This isn't letting anyone down - it's preventing burnout, which means you can keep fighting.
This goes with IRL stuff too; make sure your friendship group isn't literally always talking politics. Sometimes you need to unwind and talk about music or games or something. It's perfectly fine to not engage in a conversation if it's starting to make you uneasy. It's never your responsibility to feel upset on someone else's behalf.
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And that's all I have. I hope you can keep fighting the good fight, and I hope for a better world for us all. <3
#activism#pro choice#trans rights#antifascist#socialism#social justice#politics#anti fascist#leftism#resistance#civil rights#protest#self care#op
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I'm a little too late and i'm a small blog but seeing everything that's going on i felt the need to speak just like many of us.
TW for this post
cause there's gonna be triggering things. Also English is not my first language so i'm sorry if this is hard to read.
First post that saw yesterday was from Kay @endereies and i felt so sorry for what had happened. But when i woke up today and saw that this affected many others it made my blood boil.
I'm 22y.o. and i've been in therapy for 3 years now. When i was in the age 15-18, in my teen years, unfortunately i had experienced harassment not once. It was from people who was older than me, 18-22 years, and from people who was my age. At the time i didn't find it disturbing. I had many bad friend groups, we were drinking and partying so it all seemed like jokes. I didn't realize the impact it had on me until i was in therapy for 2 whole years. I used to tell my friends "stories" about how many guys tried to fuck me and i used to find it funny, cause joking about it probably was my coping mechanism.
So with that being said. I'm so proud of everyone who unfortunately experienced such traumatic interactions but decided to speak about ongoing situation. When you are a MINOR you couldn't possibly know when or if some people have bad intentions. Cause from my experience when i was underage i didn't understand that. So anyone who spread hate or blaming the literal WICTIMS of that situation can go fuck themselves.
About this Bri or Juno or whatever she is. I'm glad that I've never interacted with her and i feel so bad for everyone who unfortunately have. When i saw information about her age and personal life i was in pure shock to say at least. As a 22y.o. I have many nieces and nephews who are in their early teens rn. So i literally can't bare with thoughts that someone who way older than me could interact with minors that way and don't even see a problem with that. All these excuses that she wrote is completely out of hand. If that's how she responded, either she completely loco or just stupid. And i genuinely don't even know what is worse.
I'm so sorry for everyone who has experienced interactions with this particular person and for everyone who experienced any other form of harassment abuse sa or anything else in their lives. And i'm so proud of everyone who spoke about this. And i feel so much appreciation for everyone who hasn't been affected by this personally but brought up this issue cause this is the things we should talk about for many reasons: to inform people, to prevent such things from happening, to make a safe space for people to speak out loud and to even educate people who don't know what could be wrong.
Thank you for reading
Sending love to everyone đ«¶đ»
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This is the only thing I'm going to say about the election until it's over:
Anyone who did not vote for Harris or who attempted to dissuade people from voting for Harris, you are indirectly responsible for whatever shit Donald Trump does if he gets elected. That blood is primarily on his hands, yes. But it is also on yours. I hope you can live with that because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to.
#'but gaza' trump wants TO OBLITERATE THEM. HE LITERALLY WANTS THERE TO BE NOTHING LEFT OF GAZA AT ALL. WHY DO YOU THINK#I DON'T WANT HIM IN POWER?????#yeah I said I wouldn't election post I lied sorry.#I know most of you don't actually care what happens to american citizens because we're all Violent Hypocrites who should kill ourselves#and somehow every single civilian is responsible for the actions of a military and government that comparatively few of us are actually par#of but FUCKING HELL. You don't care about THE PEOPLE OF GAZA??? Because that's what you're telling me if you're in favor of#doing anything OTHER than the most likely path to get trump out of politics. which is voting for the candidate DIRECTLY OPPOSING HIM.#the thing about america being an empire that needs to die. is that before it dies. it is still affecting the rest of the world.#I can't make you care about me and my loved ones. but I am IMPLORING you to have some fucking compassion for all the people#who are going to be DEEPLY negatively affected elsewhere if trump gets into power.#THEIR HARM. THEIR DEATHS. ARE ON /YOU/ IF YOU DID ANYTHING TO FACILITATE TRUMP'S VICTORY IF THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.#I don't believe most of you actually have any amount of the sympathy and compassion for others you claim to have.#I don't think any of the causes you throw yourself behind are actually meaningful to you. I don't think any of this is based on a#genuine desire to build a better world. I think you just want your Internet friends to think you are a Good Person.#if I see anyone. ANYONE. acting like a trump presidency is what we 'deserve'. or that it's necessary to 'teach [xyz] a lesson'#I am NEVER speaking to you again I don't care how long I've known you.#us politics#I am a disabled queer woman. almost everybody I love is also disabled and queer. you think we're acceptable collateral damage fine.#but don't cry that I'm being a bitch if I say that that makes me not trust you and not want to have anything to do with you.
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Thanks for the detailed response, I appreciate the approach to the characters. I think I should clarify that this post was a rather out-of-context thought, which comes across as odd to those who don't know what I'm talking about. I'll explain that now, and I'm not forcing you to agree with me, just letting you know why I said it.
Let's start with the fact that I don't think Akane and Aoi are well-written characters. I don't believe in their love, which explains all the strangeness of their behavior. If you approach their analysis not from the point of view of "a comedy couple in the background, it is unclear whether they are dating or not", but to each one separately, raising the reasons for their actions and the actions themselves, then it looks very weak. I don't think the "they love each other so much" explanation is enough. People tend to romanticize their not-so-normal relationship and let plot holes slide by explaining it away as love. I didn't like it from the start, then I became an Aoi fan, thought about her a lot, and about Akane accordingly. A lot. For years I thought about why and how, because the puzzle doesn't fit, because it wasn't enough for me to just believe in their love. I'm a pro-shipper, and so are my friends, and they love Akane (while I paid more attention to Aoi), they love him, but still think his actions are inadequate. I mean that the factor of personal attitude to a character shouldn't affect the assessment of his actions. And also that I have no reason to judge the pairing or the characters' actions just because they are problematic, it doesn't bother me, and I proceed from whether it is appropriate, whether it is presented beautifully, whether it is necessary for the plot. And here's the thing, I wouldn't say it should.
I understand what you're saying. I've studied this take on Aoikane's relationship, this is how their shippers see it, so I'm familiar with the idea. Akane is very worried about Aoi, Aoi runs away from everyone, Akane wants to reach out to her, he does it all for her sake - that's what I'm talking about in a nutshell. I can understand why people believe this. But I can't believe it myself. I can't turn a blind eye to all of Aoikane's strange actions and say that it's out of love and for the good. So, how I see Aoikane and why I wrote that post.
They've been friends since they were kids, and they were pretty close, so much so that it's a bit weird - Akane is a sociable kid, but he didn't need anyone except this quiet girl next door. I would understand if he was a quiet kid, that he would be comfortable with her, and other kids wouldn't understand them both, but Akane is not like that - he gets along well with others, but he doesn't need anyone except Aoi. From the very beginning, he's attached to her as a character, even when he's a little kid with no clear character traits. We never see his flashbacks apart from Aoi, nor Aoi's flashbacks apart from Akane. Their entire existence is tied only to each other, and it only becomes more noticeable later. Then Akane falls in love with Aoi in middle school, which is actually completely normal, but then he becomes a hostage to this idea. His entire life is reduced to Aoi. The Clock Keepers used Aoi in their manipulation, he became the school's mystery because of her, his belief in the value of life is built on Aoi, he joined the student council for Aoi, pumped up his muscles for Aoi, learned occult things for Aoi - and what does he have outside of her? He reduced his entire life to Aoi. He literally wants nothing but her, and when she asks him in the tunnel what he likes, after telling him about some of her personal interests - he again says that he likes only Aoi. Anything else besides her? Akane is tied to his role as Aoi's simp, he barely exists outside of her. He's as much of a fan of her as the rest of the boys in school, but he thinks he's allowed to do more because he's her childhood friend. He says so, he uses those words all the time to justify how he runs after Aoi. Although their relationship is barely explored in terms of friendship. They were friends a long time ago, in childhood, until Akane fell in love with Aoi, and since then he hasn't acted like her friend, pestering her with confessions. Is this what friendship looks like? And I wouldn't say that Aoi enjoys it. She is really withdrawn because she has been pestered her whole life by guys trying to hit on her because of how cute she is. And what does her best close friend do? Same thing. Sure, she has withdrawn herself even more, sure, she has put distance between herself and Akane. Aoi is so withdrawn for a reason, it's not because she is just a pathological coward and a liar, she has been pestered her whole life. Nene, possessed by a ghost, tries to kiss her, Akane tries to kiss her without asking, Teru told him that Aoi hates that, she admitted it herself, but Akane can do it, he is not like the others, he is her childhood friend, he understands her at a glance. Although he has never offered to help her with her socialization, if he cares so much about her well-being. A friend's duty is also to support morally, and Akane did not do this, and even if we accept as a given that Aoi does not like to share with him, it is true, but he has patience for confessions? For some reason he continues to seek her hand, he is not embarrassed by her refusals, but as soon as Aoi answered a couple of times "I do not want to talk about it", he gave in? A strange division of respect for her opinion. It's as if he doesn't need to work in this direction, because he only cares about the idea of "dating Aoi", and not anything else. "I didn't want to tell you this, it will upset you", and pestering her with attempts to beat a confession out of her will not upset her? It's as if Akane did not want to tell her this (about her shortcomings that he does not like), because it will only hinder him. Aoi will think about her actions and possibly separate from him, which is absolutely not what he needs.
The way Akane stopped questioning Aoi's behavior in the shinigami arc and just started acting.
For Akane to discuss the problem with words through his mouth? Yeah, lol, not far removed from the Aoi he condemns, he's also a big inventor, he's also stuck in his own theory and sees confirmation of it in everything. He doesn't need to find out Aoi's reasons and get to know her better, he consoles himself with the fact that he knows her better than others, he quickly drained the conversation about "what the hell is going on, Aoi, why are you doing this, I'm worried about you" to stupidly keep Aoi to himself. And what's wrong with that, it would seem that not wanting to let Aoi die is normal, but it's just _how_ he did it.
I believe in Akane's trauma now more than in anything else. He needs Aoi to support the trauma, so why talk to her normally? He needs to stupidly get her, so that she would be in his field of vision, in his complete control, that's why he was trying to get her every day. That's why he thinks that they simply need to become a romantic couple, and not just be together as friends, Akane needs to get whole Aoi completely.
But as soon as she suddenly moved away from him more than a hundred meters - he got stuck, he didn't even want to figure it out, Aoi shouldn't leave him. So he grabbed her, said all sorts of things out of anger, because he was tired of himself, tired of watching her, pretending that everything was fine, all his emotions were directed at her, she could really start to irritate him. And he finally pushed her to be his.
Aoi doesn't need to answer Akane that she likes him, he will convince himself of this, the danger has passed, Aoi will not leave him anywhere, and the rest is unimportant. "The Aoi in your head", Teru is right here lol, Akane is the only one playing this game, he literally doesn't need the real Aoi for this, he doesn't need to ask her opinion, he will make it up himself, Aoi is enough to just lie like a doll in his arms. Aoi wanted to leave and so he snapped, didn't let her, but what happened between them won't help them at all, Akane is still feeding this unhealthy need to control Aoi's well-being, Aoi doesn't understand what's going on. I feel sorry for Aoi the most here. As if she is some kind of evil temptress, or a masochist with a crush on her yandere friend, she is maximally intimidated by other people's behavior and confused.
Just as Kou must learn to live and let go of the dead, so Akane must learn to live apart from Aoi. It's a painful topic, he is not ready to let it go, but he should. But instead of moving towards healthy separation, we have 69 with gaslighting (Akane gaslights both Aoi and himself lol). Instead of some therapy, he only feeds his anxiety and the opinion that without it the world will collapse đ but wow, it's romantic
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On Loki and ouroboros
#I've never posted anything like this but I need for people to tell me they get this like i do#loki#loki laufeyson#loki series#web weaving#ouroboros#top ten things about circular narrative that makes me go crazy
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okay, whoever started the whole thing about alex looking like a rat is fully responsible for the fact i am now the proud owner of a plush jellycat rat named alex đ«
#i saw him when i was out shopping with people today and i simply couldnât resist him#tell me he doesnât give you alex vibes đ„ș#like just pop him in an âi don't give a damnâ t shirt and some high waisted trousers and who'd know the difference#yes i may have lost it#do i care?#no#i should never ever be allowed in shops with plush animals when i'm hormonal#or at all actually#if anything my susceptibility to buying them has only worsened as i've got older#maybe it's because i grew up way too fast and now late twenties me has decided fuck it#it's time to enjoy the things i didn't get to when i was younger#anyway yeah i couldn't resist sharing him#i am simply enamoured đ„ș#now i just need to find a little turtle to keep him company...#lulu posts
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contemplating deleting my blog soon I might make a new blog but idk
#.bdo#i just need to work on some insecurity issues is all. been on a long self journey this year#can't shake the feeling that every time i say anything it's wrong somehow#and there is some reality to that. i have been wrong several times I've even been downright mean to people over misunderstandings#i just haven't been able to break out of the habit of feeling permanently embarrassed about every small mistake I've ever made#& old insecurities from my childhood are resurfacing#like when i was a kid/teen and no one would ever tell me when i was breaking social cues but they'd make fun of me behind my back#i have 3200 followers and most of my posts get 0 notes sometimes i get 1-5 so it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong#i end up deleting a lot of them...#almost every post of mine that's gone viral was just a screenshot or picture saved from somewhere else....#and the times that i have gotten attention over a post that stands up for people who aren't like me it makes me terrified#that i look like i'm trying to play a savior role or like i'm virtue signaling#i have a few good mutuals who i love so much and that's why I'm still here#it's also the only social media i use currently#but it does really hurt when i put a lot of thought into something like spending hours making a funny meme or a thoughtful post#just to find out that the only people who find them interesting is my extremely small circle on here if anyone at all#it's so dumb i shouldn't be feeling like this over fucking numbers....it's not even real#i find a little bit of (petty) solace in the fact that there are people on here who are loudly and repeatedly saying way more embarrassing#shit than I've ever said#but even then when i know someone is absolutely wrong it makes me feel nervous like what if im the next person to fuck up that bad#and i find out through public ridicule#well that actually kinda did happen on here once but not on that scale#last year i sent someone something i thought was funny and they sent back an 'ok'#and then immediately made a huge long post about how you shouldn't talk to strangers like you're already friends#called it parasocial behavior...got tens of thousands of notes and i knew it was about me...#i wholeheartedly agree some people go too far with parasocial behavior but i never fully understood what part of what i said/did was wrong#and i went back to feeling like the kid who never found out they were doing something wrong until they heard that they got made fun of#i don't even attempt to make new friends on my own on here anymore because i'm terrified of that happening again#almost all of the people I've become friends with on here came to me first and i love and appreciate them for that#but even then i feel too nervous to socialize that often bc i never find out/realize that i fuck up until later on
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Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy
You have... very very very very very very very very smart people you know, and they're say something that not only isn't true, but literally is as opposite of the truth as it's possible to be... and you'll... gently inform them "hey, it's actually a bit more like this" and then they just kinda... go on saying literally the exact same thing
I'm not sure if it's just that... I often feel like I must be very bad at communicating, or people must just not notice/ignore a lot of what I say, but... I don't know
Like dearest friend, you've said something as absurd as... I don't know, it's hard to say without saying it, but honest to god about as absurd as saying the United States was a part of the USSR, that level of completely getting it backwards
...and it just doesn't seem to matter when I try to explain it... I legit don't even know if you read what I said
Really end up feeling like I'm going nuts sometimes
#to be clear; I don't mind people disagreeing with me (though that's not what's happened here... I don't think I came into it at all)#but all I need in order to be able to work with disagreement is just... knowing you at least heard and understood me#like if it's 'I get that you think that vanilla is a good flavor of icecream; but I really prefer chocolate'... ok; this works for me#it's that... a lot of the time it honest feels more like 'what are you talking about? vanilla isn't a flavor' where... huh?#let's take a real example; not everyone needs to agree with me on nuclear#but like... someone saying 'I get that it's way safer these days; but I still worry about waste storage'... well ok then#but if it's just like 'but it's dangerous and will explode' even after I've explained about the designs now#where there's a salt plug that with melt and drain before anything can happen; and these materials don't like to run away#...and it's not like they're asking me to back up the source; it's like I never said anything at all...#what am I supposed to do here? you feel me on that? do you start to get why I feel like I'm going crazy when that's how it often feels?#no one is obliged to agree with me but... literally just active listening would fix this... say you heard me and we're good#acknowledge that I voiced something and it's been noted#honestly... honestly my who life it's felt like I must somehow actually be invisible#...to an extent maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination; I might well be a ghost that's lonely and makes you all up#...for all the impact my actions have#or maybe literally everything I say just comes out garbled... is that it?#this post is about something very specific; but it's also about something that happens a lot with a lot of different people#on a broader scale; why is it no one else seems to be able to connect the dots#and these aren't like... conspiracy theory dots; these are like russia buys drones from Iran; therefore russia and Iran are partners#that's the kind of dots I'm talking about connecting; please tell me that's not a conspiracy theory to you... it seems plain to me#I don't know... I really don't... I don't think much I say will ever have any impact anywhere on anyone#...honestly a good 90% of the time people don't even respond to what I say#not like my posts here; I mean direct in dms or whatever; I'll say stuff and it's just silence or a new subject#again; across multiple people; it's common... it's... I think it happens more often than it doesn't#I can instantly name 4 conversations with 4 different people that's happened with lately#and that's not counting the 3 where I know the reason why it's happened#I really am something unfit to live; the evidence is endless#mm tag so i can find things later
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wouldn't it be nice. if people made sure they knew what the fuck they're talking about before talking about it
#i'm so done with people who have loud hot takes on bg3 without having fucking played bg3#and i don't mean takes on the merits of the game or the flaws of the studio or w/e i mean. the lore. the characters#like you having watched a bunch of clips and tiktok thirst traps â you knowing shit about it#how are you gonna make confident statements about the characterizations and story arcs Without Having Experienced Them#hell i've played the game i still haven't experienced fucking everything#i couldn't tell you shit about minthara i've yet to play a run with her in my party#i don't go around making posts about minthara then. because i don't know this shit.#sorry just saw someone say the game doesn't have Any dialogue that confirms the characters are bi and not just 'playersexual'#And specifically mentioned astarion as an example. what. What. the guy whose whole story is about having slept with a bajillion people.#like. the point of my post rn isn't so much about bg3 like. people being wrong about a game is Whatever#it's that this attitude needs to fucking Die altogether. people should know to shut their mouth if they're not informed enough#be it about games be it about politics music science architecture Anything. i don't know what fucking possesses people#to confidently make assertions about shit they don't have a solid understanding of#you won't catch me commenting on idk. how to make the best enchilada. on account of i've never fucking eaten one#let alone made any. let alone tried enough different recipes to gauge which was the best one.#stick to what you fucking know and if you're really so eager to give your personal opinion on something#do research before you talk so you can minimize the risk of you sounding like a clown
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...
#wishtalks#vent post time ^_^ yay ^_^#feeling very neglected atm#nothing feels like it's going right anymore#school has been tough im literally failing exams#barely have any times for hobbies anymore because i've gotten so busy#depression has been hitting really bad stopping me from being nearly as productive as I should be at a daily basis#I can't shake off the feeling of being burned out from that alone#it doesn't help that i've been struggling to connect to ANYONE at all lately#classmates are nice people but the connection I feel with them is so superficial.#Feels like i'm only ever around because I'm just there by default#I feel like people only really fuck with me here because it directly benefits them#I feel so wrong#I feel like the way I am right now I can never truly connect with people#the few friends I had back home are all growing more distant#they themselves are busy and this new timezone schedule just makes me completely unavailable#I feel like things haven't gotten better for the past 8 months and instead is either remaining stagnant or getting worse#and I can't do anything about it except for idly sit by and watch it deteriorate in front of me#but in a way I don't fault anyone. I would have wanted others to live their lives without me.#It's funny that thought I was deserving of anything different#the only way I can cope is by just accepting that i'm wrong and this is how just how it's supposed to be for people like me#I'm just tired. Nothing I do ever feels right. I feel like the world is telling me I don't deserve anything and I kind of agree#I'm so used to the feeling of neglect it sometimes feels like i'm actively pushing any help or support away. but nothing else feels right#I feel like i've exhausted every person willing to help me out. I feel like nothing helps anymore and im just slowing others down#if you know me personally and you're reading this. i'm sorry I failed you#I'll be okay I just need time to pass
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for whom good omens is being written
Hey maggots and the rest of the fandom, it's the Good Omens Mascot here. Today I read a post about this tweet:
The accompanying video genuinely made me cry. And I've been thinking about this for a long while, as far back as February, when I saw a lot of conflicting opinions on what people wanted from the third season. It really is true that no matter what you do, some people will be dissatisfied. But what matters is that Neil is writing this for Terry.
And I was reminded of some paragraphs from the Good Omens TV Companion, which I'd read in Amazon's sample excerpt of the book. I know this is a long post, but I really truly do think you all need to read these, I've done my best to select only the most important parts. Here you go:
'His Alzheimer's started progressing harder and faster than either of us had expected,' says Neil, referring to a period in which Terry recognized that despite everything he could no longer write. 'We had been friends for over thirty years, and during that time he had never asked me for anything. Then, out of the blue, I received an email from him with a special request. It read: âListen, I know how busy you are. I know you don't have time to do this, but I want you to write the script for Good Omens. You are the only human being on this planet who has the passion, love and understanding for the old girl that I do. You have to do this for me so that I can see it." And I thought, âOK, if you put it like that then I'll do it."
'I had adapted my own work in the past, writing scripts for Death: The High Cost of Living and Sandman, but not a lot else was seen. I'd also written two episodes of Doctor Who, and so I felt like I knew what I was doing. Usually, having written something once I'd rather start something new, but having a very sick co-author saying I had to do this?' Neil spreads his hands as if the answer is clear to see. 'I had to step up to the plate.' A pause, then: 'All this took place in autumn 2014, around the time that the BBC radio adaptation of Good Omens was happening,' he continues, referring to the production scripted and co-directed by Dirk Maggs and starring Peter Serafinowicz and Mark Heap. âTerry had talked me into writing the TV adaptation, and I thought OK, I have a few years. Only I didn't have a few years,' he says. 'Terry was unconscious by December and dead by March.'
He pauses again. 'His passing took all of us by surprise,' Neil remembers. 'About a week later, I started writing, and it was very sad. The moments Terry felt closest to me were the moments I would get stuck during the writing process. In the old days, when we wrote the novel, I would send him what I'd done or phone him up. And he would say, "Aahh, the problem, Grasshopper, is in the way you phrase the question," and I would reply, "Just tell me what to do!" which somehow always started a conversation. 'In writing the script, there were times I'd really want to talk to Terry, and also places where I'd figure something out and do something really clever, and I would want to share it with him. So, instead, I would text Terry's former personal assistant, Rob Wilkins, now his representative on Earth. It was the nearest thing I had.'
(...) As Neil himself recognizes, this is an adaptation built upon the confidence that comes from three decades of writing for page and screen. But for all the wisdom of experience, he found that above all one factor guided him throughout the process. 'Terry isn't here, which leaves me as the guardian of the soul of the story,' he explains. 'It's funny because sometimes I found myself defending Terry's bits harder or more passionately than I would defend my own bits. Take Agnes Nutter,' he says, referring to what has become a key scene in the adaptation in which the seventeenth-century author of the book of prophecies foretelling the coming of the Antichrist is burned at the stake. âIt was a huge, complicated and incredibly expensive shoot, with bonfires built and primed to explode as well as huge crowds in costume. It had to feel just like an English village in the 1640s, and of course everyone asked if there was a cheap way of doing it. 'One suggestion was that we could tell the story using old-fashioned woodcuts and have the narrator take us through what happened, but I just thought, âNoâ. Because I had brought aspects of the story like Crowley and the baby swap along to the mix, and Terry created Agnes Nutter. So, if I had cut out Agnes then I wouldn't be doing right by the person who gave me this job. Terry would've rolled over in his grave.'
And, finally, this paragraph:
"Once again, Neil cites the absence of his co-writer as his drive to ensure that Good Omens translated to the screen and remained true to the original vision. 'Terry's last request to me was to make this something he would be proud of. And so that has been my job.'"
I think that's so heartwrenchingly beautiful, and so I wanted you all to read this, too, just in case you (like me) don't have the Good Omens TV Companion. It adds another layer of depth and emotion to this already complex and amazing story that we all know and love.
Share this post, if you can, please, so that more people can read these excerpts :")
Tagging @neil-gaiman, @fuckyeahgoodomens and @orpiknight, even if you've definitely read these before :)
#good omens#neil gaiman#sir terry pratchett#good omens show#good omens fandom#good omens mascot#weirdly specific but ok#asmi
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I think the reader's response to this post is probably going to either be "That's incredibly minor" or "Holy shit YES I'M ALSO PROUD", depending on people's personal experiences with academia, but:
Today I am incredibly proud of one of my students.
In the interests of disguising identities, let's call them Ceri. Ceri is one of my third year undergrads (meaning their final year, for anyone unfamiliar with UK uni systems.) They transferred to us last year, and within two weeks I was giving them the contact info to get to Student Services and get themself screened for ADHD; they have some mental health struggles, but I clocked pretty quickly that they STRUGGLE with procrastination, and punctuality, and attending 9am lectures in particular. Naturally, as is the way of my people, it took them a further four months to remember to go to the screening. Lol. Lmao. Rofl, in fact.
But, they did it eventually! Their screening lit up like a Christmas tree at the ADHD section, and they got a free laptop and optional one week extensions and a study support worker named Claire. This has helped tremendously, and although mental health + until-then-unsupported ADHD meant their academic profile had slid sideways somewhat, with the new tools available and a couple of resits they passed the year and hit this year running.
Until, that is, the last fortnight.
Now, I take them for a Habitat Management module that has two assessments: an academic poster presentation before Christmas, and a site-specific management plan in May. Naturally this means we are at that happy point in the year for the poster presentations. I give out the briefs at the start of the year, so they've had them since October; I've also been periodically checking in with them all for weeks, to make sure they don't have any major burning questions. The poster presentation was to pick a species reintroduction project, pull the habitat feasibility study out of it, and then critique that study; Ceri chose to look at the hen harrier reintroductions proposed for the southern UK. All good.
Which brings us nicely to today! Ceri's presentation is scheduled for 2.30. At 11am-1pm, I am lecturing the first years on Biodiversity, while Ceri is learning about environmental impact assessment with a colleague I shall call Aeron. This means we are separately occupied during those same hours.
Nevertheless, Aeron messages me at about 12.
"I think Ceri needs to see you after your lecture," he writes. "They're panicking, I genuinely think they might cry. I'm worried. Are you free at 1?"
I say I am. At 1, I get lunch and sit in the common area; Ceri comes to see me. To my personal shame, imagine all of the following takes place while I stuff my face with potato.
Now: this part is going to be uncomfortably familiar to anyone who has ever tried higher education with ADHD, especially unmedicated. It certainly was for me. All I can say is, I never had the courage to take the step here that Ceri did.
"I have to confess," they said quietly, and Aeron was right, they were fighting back tears. "My mental health has been so, so bad for the last fortnight. I've left it way, way too late. I don't have anything to present."
"Nothing at all?" I asked.
"I've been researching," they said helplessly. "I found loads on the decline of the hen harrier. But it wasn't until last night that I finally found a habitat feasibility study to critique. Generally... I've been burying my head about it, and it just got later and later. I thought I should come in for Aeron's lecture, and I should at least tell you."
This part is a minor thing, right? But honestly, I remember being in the grip of that particular shame spiral. I never did manage to tell my lecturers to their faces. I just avoided. I honestly can't imagine having the courage it took them to come in and tell me this, rather than just staying home and avoiding me.
"I think..." they said hesitantly, "I know I can submit up to a week late, for a capped mark. I think I need to do that, and apply for extenuating circumstances. But then I'll have both Aeron's assignment and yours due at the same time."
Which meant they would crumble under the pressure and likely struggle to pass both; so me, being as noble and heroic as I unarguably am, stopped eating potato and said, "Let's make that plan B."
(It was good potato. I am a hero.)
So, we made plan A: I moved their timeslot to 4.30, giving them three and a half hours. The shining piece of luck in this whole thing was that this was the crunch time assignment - if it had been Aeron's, they'd have had to try and write a 3000 report in that time. But for me, all they had to write was an academic poster, and those things are light on words by design. We found them a Canva template, and then we quickly sketched out a recommended structure based on the brief: if it's habitat feasibility, look at food availability, nesting site availability, and mortality risks in the target release site. Bullet point each. Bullet point how well the study assessed each. Write a quick intro and conclusion. Take notes as you go, and present the poster itself at 4.30.
"You think I should try?" they asked doubtfully, looking like I'd just asked them to go mano-a-mano with a feral badger.
"If you run out of time, so be it," I said. "But your brain is trying to protect you from a non-existent tiger. That's why you've procrastinated - it's been horrible, and you've been shame spiralling, and your brain is trying to shield you from the negative experience; but it's the wrong type of help for this situation! So while you're sitting there working on it, hating life, every time your brain goes 'This is hopeless, I can't do it', you think right back 'Yes I can, it just sucks.' And you carry on. Good?"
"Good," they said. "I'm going to mainline coffee and hole up in the library. Enjoy your potato."
And then, of course, I had to go and watch the other students' presentations, so that was the end of me being any help at all. I spent all afternoon wondering if they were going to manage it, or if I would be getting a message at 4.25 telling me they'd failed, and would have to submit late and hope for an EC.
And Tumblrs
Tumblrs
Let me FUCKING tell you
They turned up at 4.15, fifteen minutes early, wearing a mask of grim, harrowed determination and fuelled by spite and coffee, and they pulled up that poster and started presenting and yes, okay, I'll admit their actual delivery was dramatically unpolished and yes, they forgot to include the taxanomic name for the hen harrier on the poster and yes, fine, I admit that there were more than a few awkward moments where they lost their place in their hastily scribbled notebook but LET ME FUCKING TELL YOU -
They smashed it. It was well-critiqued, it had a map, it had full citations, it had a section on the hen harrier's specific ecology and role in the ecosystem, it had notes on their specific conservation measures. They described case studies they'd read about elsewhere. They answered the questions we threw at them with competence and depth. There was analysis. All that background research they'd done came right to the fore. They were even within the time limit by 15 seconds.
You would never have known they'd produced it in three hours, from a quivering and terrified mess fighting the bodily urge to dehydrate via tear ducts. After they left, the second marker and I looked at each other and went "So that was a 2:1, right?"
I caught up with Aeron downstairs and he was beaming. Apparently Ceri had seen him on their way out, and had gone over to talk to him. Aeron said the difference between the Ceri of this morning and the Ceri of then was like two different people; in four hours, they'd gone from their voice literally breaking as they admitted the problem, ashamed and broken, to being relaxed and happy and smiling.
"I reckon I've passed," they apparently told Aeron, pleased. "Maybe even a 2:2. There's things I wish I'd had the time to do better, but I'll be happy if I passed."
They won't know until late January what they got, because we're not allowed to release marks until 20 term days after hand-in, and the Christmas holidays are about to hit. But I'm really hoping I can be there when they're released.
But mostly, I'm just... insanely proud of them. I cannot tell you how happy I am. And I know, I know, obviously this is not a practice I would want to see them do regularly, or indeed ever again, and it only worked because they were fucking lucky with the assignment format, but like... when life is just punching you in the face, and you hit a breaking point... isn't it nice? That just this once, you pull off a miracle, and it's fixed? The disaster you thought was about to ruin you is gone? To get that relief?
Anyway. Super super proud today.
#I mean I'm often proud of my students of course#the warm fuzzy feeling is one of the best parts of lecturing#but MAN this one got me today#the professional world of careers and tasks#adhd
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an iron man | oneshot
pairing: choi beomgyu x you
summary: beomgyu has only ever known how to live function as a rental sexbot. he fucks whoever and whatever comes his way with a forced smile plastered on his face. that is, until you, a self-proclaimed trainwreck, come along.
genre: android!au, sexbot!au, angst, romance, fluff (more than i ever thought i could ever write i fear...), skippable smut at the very end (will be marked)
warnings: very brief and vague mentions of beomgyu being forced to engage in sexual acts he does not want with previous clients, skippable smut at the very end (will be marked)
smut warnings: unprotected sex, creampie, cockwarming, praise, dacryphilia, sub!gyu
word count: 14.7k (trust i will not be writing this much again if this flops BWNWJSJEJDK)
notes: terrified to post this one because this is probably my favorite thing i've ever written and if it gets a bad reaction i might die :,) also very unsure if this is the best time to post it since it's during kinktober so i'm not sure if the demand is there but i love this work so so much i pray you all like it. if you don't read anything else from me, i hope that you read this bc i rlly care ab it :,) please don't be mean i beg
beomgyu doesnât know how long heâs been living like this. living is an odd term, too, and itâs not just because âlifeâ is ill-defined for an android, but because to call what he experiences a life feels like a bastardization of the term. his power is turned on at some point, usually late at night, he fucks or gets fucked by somebody he probably doesnât know, then he does the same shit all over again. so yes, he may be âaliveâ, but he wouldn't dare to call what he experiences living. living is too precious of a term to be used so cheaply on a sex android whoâs made available for rent to the highest bidder of the night.
heâs seen how people live through his scattered vignettes of human life. he only gets them when heâs powered on, but he soaks them up with pleasure because theyâre the only thing heâs ever known. some people do it wildly, living unattached to everyone and everything. their lives are not completely dissimilar to his, in a way, except they have a choice in the matter. they have time to find themselves, what their likes and dislikes are, and they get to connect with people in a way he will never have the power to. others, though, live the kind of life he really wants. they live by loving and being loved, knowing and being known. he wonders what itâd be like to know somebody outside of whatever secret deviant sexual pleasures they have. he wonders what itâs like to be known, too, but he guesses you would need to have something for someone to care enough to know about in the first place. he has no such thing.
itâs a night like any other when heâs powered on by a total stranger. he briefly takes in his surroundings and notices that itâs a really nice place, but you wouldnât be the first rich person to rent him â not by a longshot. next, he takes you in. now, thereâs no reason for you to dress up, really. you have no need to tempt him, as he will be able to feign attraction no matter what you look like, but he still finds it odd that you seem to have forgone any effort to appeal to him, if only because most peopleâs fantasies require them to look and feel sexy; but you donât look sexy at all. you look like youâve just gotten home from a long day at work, and honestly? you kind of smell like it, too.
âdo you think you could do the dishes for me? iâm exhausted,â you ask with a perfectly-timed yawn. whatâŠ?
he short-circuits for a moment as he tries to think of an appropriate response. heâs never had anyone try to get him to do chores for them, but maybe this is some sort of weird roleplay? maybe you want him to act as a house husband for you before doing the deed, which isnât necessarily a problem since heâs well-versed in acting, but thereâs just one issue.
âi donât know how,â he tells you honestly.
âyou donât know how to do dishes?â you ask curiously.
âitâs not in my programming,â he replies. if you didnât know any better, youâd say heâs embarrassed because of the way he hesitates and looks away from you when he says it. he canât possibly feel that, though, so it must just be your imagination.
âoh⊠thatâs alright. okay, do you know how to clean a room? mineâs kind of dirty,â you try.Â
ân-no,â he says, and he wishes the earth would just swallow him whole. heâs never failed at living up to expectations, and never so badly, at that. just what kind of fetish is this?Â
âthatâs okay,â you sigh, and he may not fully understand it, but he can sense your disappointment. âwell, what can you do?â and the question is not asked maliciously, but with what seems to be genuine wonder. ah. he knows how to answer this one. slowly, he walks up to you and loosens your hair. you look up at him in shock, but he just cups your face, swiping his thumb across your lower lip.Â
âi can do whatever you want me to, baby,â he whispers alluringly. âjust tell me how you like it.â youâre so stunned at his switch in demeanor that you forget how to speak for a moment, but you quickly recollect yourself and pry his hands off of you.
âi donât want you to do anything,â you insist. âiâm just tired. if you canât help me clean, thatâs alright. you can watch something if youâre bored. i think thatâs it. well, goodnight.â beomgyu is malfunctioning at the moment. he thinks the gears in his head might be sparking while he tries to understand this new development. you donât give him time to process it, though. you just slam your bedroom door shut behind you. he thinks he hears you lock it, too.
genuinely at a loss at the thought that he has nothing and no one to do, he sits himself on your couch. he tries not to make himself too at home at first, just barely making a dent on it and scooting to the very edge of the cushion as to not appear to be too relaxed. what if this is some sort of test? what if youâre actually going to come out soon so you two can fuck? until then, what should he do next? thoughts like this plague him until he accepts the fact that you are actually sleeping. your obnoxiously loud snoring is a dead giveaway, and he finally, finally feels brave enough to fiddle with your remote control.Â
he scrolls for something to watch. movies and shows have been on as background noise during sex before, so heâs somewhat familiar with them, but heâs never gotten the opportunity to pick for himself or actually pay attention to what's happening on screen. he settles on a romantic movie about a robot who joins human society. the robot falls in love with a human girl, but in the end, the robot has to leave the girl because the town wonât accept him, even after using him. she marries a human man and has children, and eventually grandchildren, too. she still loves the robot even though heâs gone, which he thinks is supposed to make him feel sorry for her, but all he can feel is pity for the robot, who spends the rest of his life alone.Â
itâs enough to make him cry, which he shouldnât be able to do in a non-sexual setting, but he does it, anyway. itâs just so unfair to him. the girl is able to live a normal life while the robot is doomed to be alone forever. why? because he was born different? itâs not his fault that he was invented, but he spends the rest of his time on earth paying for the crime of existing in a world not built for him. the more beomgyu thinks about it, the more wronged he feels. heâs outright sobbing by the time you plop down on the couch beside him. he jumps up and straightens his posture while trying in vain to regain his composure.
âyeah, this movie makes me cry, too,â you quietly remark. heâs silent, not because he didnât hear what you said, but because he genuinely doesnât know how to act after being caught red handed.
âcan i ask you something?â you ask in lieu of his lack of a response.
âyes,â he feebly answers.
âwhy are you crying?â you question with a tilt of your head, but something in him tells him that you already know.
âbecause the movie made me sad,â he admits after a pause.
âare androids supposed to feel things like that?âÂ
â... no,â he replies after a pause.Â
âthen why can you?âÂ
âi⊠i don't know. just please donât say anything to my owners,â he pleads. he knows that if the company that owns him were to find out about this, heâd be scrapped in a heartbeat. or worse, theyâd analyze him like a labrat to try to find the anomaly within him. his âlifeâ as a sexbot will be over, and heâd really rather be a box of scraps than live as a case study in a lab somewhere.Â
âitâs okay,â you tell him with a reassuring smile as you watch him trying not to spiral. âi wonât tell them. itâll be our secret.â beomgyu has never had a secret to share with anyone before, so he feels an overwhelming amount of excitement at the idea that he will finally have one. his chest feels warm at the thought.
âthank you,â he says with a grateful smile.
âno problem,â you reply with a yawn. âiâm tired, so iâm heading back to bed. i just wanted to get some water. goodnight, for real this time.âÂ
âgoodnight,â he murmurs softly. you return his words with a sleepy smile and go back into your room. he finds that heâs smiling even when you leave.Â
he spends the night consuming as much media as he conceivably can before he has to leave. usually, he'd be powered off after heâs done being used, so he greedily savors every moment he can. who knows if he'll ever get this chance again. when you wake up, you're surprised to see that he's exactly where you left him, still watching the screen intently.
âgood morning,â you say while stretching your arms.Â
âgood morning,â he replies.Â
âare you ready to be returned?â you ask.Â
â... yes,â he lies.Â
âokay. i think somebody will be here to pick you up in an hour or so. you hungry?âÂ
âi don't really eat,â he bashfully answers. for some reason, he's embarrassed at the fact that you're treating him like a human while he's unable to fully act like one.
âoh. i guess that makes sense,â you nod.Â
things are quiet until heâs picked up, but itâs not an awkward silence. you sit next to him on the couch as you wolf down some breakfast and let him watch whatever he pleases. when he eventually hears knocking at your door, he feels an incomprehensible sense of dread.
âi think that's them,â you remark, breaking the silence.Â
ây-yeah,â he replies.Â
âwell, it was nice to meet you,â you say, reaching out your hand for him. heâs unsure what to do with it. not missing a beat, you gently grab his hand and shake it. he's stunned at the physical contact, and he's still reeling when you let the man from the rental company in. you have a brief conversation with him before he walks towards beomgyu.
âgoodbye,â you tell the android with a smile and a little wave.Â
â... goodââ and the man switches him off.
-
the next time beomgyu is powered on, heâs in your house again. relief floods him when he realizes it. you donât seem as exhausted as the last time he saw you. when that was, he has no idea, but if he had to guess, heâd say it was just last night because of the fact that heâs so popular heâs rented almost every day.
âhey,â you greet him with a smile. heâs still feeling relieved before he realizes that tonight might be the night where you ask him to have sex with you. maybe you were just tired last night and had no desire to fuck, but he can tell that youâre feeling more energetic tonight.Â
âi didnât catch your name,â you add.Â
â... beomgyu. iâm part of the choi line, but iâm a custom model, so they gave me a name,â he tentatively replies.
ânice,â you nod, and you briefly introduce yourself before asking if he wants to watch a movie.Â
âwatch⊠a movie?â is this some sort of euphemism for fucking? it wouldnât be the first time heâs heard of something like this. as mentioned before, some people like movies as background noise.Â
âyeah, you can pick,â you say, casually plopping down on the couch and patting the cushion next to you. he hesitantly takes your cue, and heâs mentally preparing himself for what comes next before you take a blanket and cocoon yourself in it so tightly, itâd be impossible for him to touch you.
âwhatâs wrong?â you ask, and he jolts a bit when he realizes that heâs been staring in disbelief. âoh, are you cold? do you want a blanket, too?âÂ
ââm fine,â he replies.
âare you sure? the clothes they make you wear look a little thin,â you observe with your nose wrinkled, and he feels impossibly small under your surveying eye. âhere, iâll get you some sweats. i think soobin left some the last time he was here.âÂ
âwhoâs soobin?â he asks a little too quickly. so quickly, in fact, he doesnât even have time to process why he even asked.
âmy friend. stay here, iâll grab them for you.âÂ
when you return, you have a long pair of sweatpants in hand and a big t-shirt.Â
âyou can change in the bathroom. itâs down the hallway and to the left, okay?â he nods in response.
he strips his clothes off as best as he can, and it feels like heâs shedding a second skin. when heâs finished undressing, he pulls on the clothes you gave him and stares in the mirror. itâs in his programming to always be mindful of how he looks, but he feels especially self-conscious now that heâs wearing a normal outfit. he fixes up his hair and clears his throat before exiting your (messy) bathroom and making his way back into your living room. he finds you fiddling with your phone before you look up at him.
âtook you long enough,â you tease, and he blushes, which stuns you. just how human is this guy?
âs-sorry, i ââÂ
âhey, iâm just kidding. youâre fine. you look pretty good in those clothes â soobin would be jealous,â you chuckle. his ears perk up at the mention of soobin again. is he your boyfriend? he must be. why else would he have clothes at your house? is that why you don't want to sleep with beomgyu? because you have someone already? if that's the case, why rent him at all? but he is not brave enough to ask these questions, so he settles for a soft âthank youâ and returns to his spot on the couch.
you toss him the remote and he catches it with ease before unsurely flipping through your streaming services. he finds something that piques his interest and turns to you with an uncertain look before you nod encouragingly. he selects it and lets it play. he doesnât mean to, but he finds himself sinking further and further into the cushions as it progresses.Â
itâs a sweet movie â a romantic comedy about an amnesic woman whose memory is wiped clean every morning, but a man falls in love with her, anyway. she never remembers him, so he has to make her fall in love with him in a new way every day. he finds himself smiling throughout it, but a particularly funny scene has him actually laughing for the first time. itâs a squeaky sort of thing, and he has never laughed before, so heâs somewhat surprised as it leaves his throat. he looks to you in trepidation, but you just smile warmly and respond with a soft chuckle of your own. he finds that he looks to you every time a new development occurs, and you always answer encouragingly.Â
the end of the film surprises him. itâs bittersweet in that she never does get her memory back, but the man makes a video recounting their entire love story for her to watch every time she wakes up. it ends with them living happily together in spite of everything, and itâs enough to make him sob. he turns to you and sees that youâre teary-eyed as well, but you seem to be enjoying his reaction so much that thereâs still a grin on your face. after the film ends, you can tell that he has something on his mind.
âwhatâs wrong? didnât you like it?â you gently ask.
âi did. i just donât understand,â he replies timidly.
âdonât understand what?âÂ
âwhy he would do all of that for her, i guess,â he says.Â
âbecause he loves her. when you love somebody, youâd do anything to be with them. you always find a way,â you tell him, and the sentiment seems to strike a chord within him.
âeven if theyâre that different?â
âof course.â
-
beomgyu spends the following nights with this same routine. heâs switched on, sees you standing in front of him with a smile, gets comfortable, and watches as much media as he possibly can while you two chatter away about every scene. he learns much more from it than he ever did from experience with his previous renters, and he finds himself becoming more and more emotional by the day. you never try to question him or press him to explain any of his feelings, and it just makes him feel even more comfortable with you.Â
one day, he even feels comfortable enough to ask you a question. the question.Â
âcan i ask you something?âÂ
âof course! what is it?â you reply in earnest. beomgyu has never directly inquired about you.
âwhy do you rent me? i mean, i know we watch stuff together now, but why rent me in the first place?â and even when he feels exponentially more at ease with you than he ever has in any other context, heâs still nervous when he asks it.Â
âoh, my friend did it as a joke, i guess,â you shrug. âhe thought i needed to get laid or something, but iâm not into stuff like that, so i just thought iâd ask you to help me clean. obviously, thatâs what i actually need,â you giggle. what he feels at your words can only be described as disappointment. âstuff like thatâ? so youâre not into sleeping with sexbots? is it because you find them disgusting? is it because you find him disgusting? heâs not sure what he expected, but this wasnât it.
âoh. so why donât you buy a cleaning bot?â he asks softly, and while you are usually pretty perceptive of his emotions, you donât register the fact that heâs at a loss right now.
âi dunno. my parents were always against that sort of thing. they thought it was wrong, i guess, so i didnât grow up with them like everyone else did. i didnât really have an opinion on them until i met you,â you tell him while grinning and lightly nudging him with your elbow. he tries his best to smile because, in theory, your words are really sweet. you see him as more than just another android, so why does he feel like thatâs not enough?Â
the fragile connection you two have made seems even more fragile now. at least, it does to him. you only met each other because of a joke your friend just so happened to make, not because of fate or the divine intervention that he always sees in the movies. maybe in another world, your friend rented a different sexbot. maybe youâd even treat them the same way you treat him. the thought alone makes something ugly burn in his chest.Â
still, you are oblivious to the internal war raging within beomgyu.Â
âhey, iâve got an idea,â you tell him, and he perks up a bit. âhave you ever listened to music?âÂ
ânot really,â he replies solemnly. people have played it in the background of their sexual escapades, but he hasnât really gotten the chance to listen the same way humans do. you finally register his crestfallen appearance, but you chalk it up to him feeling like heâs missing out.Â
âwhy donât we listen to some? i can play a bunch of different genres so you can find what you like,â you suggest, and he agrees to it. truthfully, he doesnât fully understand how music can be better than movies and shows, but he is curious to find out what makes it so special.Â
and special, it is. he doesnât like every song you play, he realizes, but thatâs only natural given how different they are from each other. he finds himself being drawn to the more emotional and moody ones, but he canât help but enjoy the way you quietly sing and nod along to the more upbeat tunes.Â
as you continue to sit together, you begin to fiddle with your hair. youâre scoffing and loosening it for the umpteenth time before youâre about to give up, but beomgyu stops you.
âlet me do it,â he says.
âdo you know how?âÂ
âi think i can. iâve been watching you,â he says simply.
â... okay.âÂ
you turn your back to him to give him access to your hair and he scoots closer to you. closer than youâve ever been. his touch on your head is careful as he gently gathers your hair and begins to braid it. youâre not sure how much time passes because heâs actually quite slow, but itâs relaxing all the same. you find yourself softly humming to the tune of the song playing. the lyrics are a little dark, but you follow along in earnest, and beomgyu thinks he finally understands why people like music so much. for moments like this. he tries to soak up every detail he can, from the way the light hits your frame to the melody you hum, and he wishes this moment could last forever.
but you only have so much hair, so the moment does have to end, eventually. he ties up your hair and you pull out your phone camera to admire his handiwork. admittedly, itâs a lot better than anything you couldâve done. it seems that heâs a fast learner.
âthis looks perfect! thanks, beoms,â you say warmly. heâs stunned for a second at the nickname.
âbeoms?âÂ
âyeah, like beomgyu. beoms,â you say with a casual shrug, and something in his chest blossoms. âi give all of my friends nicknames.â and something in his chest explodes at the title of âfriendâ.Â
âyou do?â he asks excitedly.
âyeah. like, i call soobin âsoobinieâ or âsoobieâ, sometimes,â you giggle, and the bloom of hope in his chest dies with it.Â
âare you two close?â he asks, even though he knows the answer will probably hurt him.
âvery. heâs my best friend,â you answer fondly. oh. youâre beomgyuâs best friend â youâre beomgyuâs only friend, and tentatively at that. the idea that the deep connection he feels with you is even deeper with someone else, at least in your eyes, makes him feel sick. do you let soobin play with your hair? do you hum along to songs youâve shown him while he does it? do you smile at him after heâs finished and compliment him on his skills? probably, probably, probably. the ugly feeling that was previously completely foreign to him now takes its usual place in his chest, and it makes his stomach hurt so much that if he could vomit, his metaphorical dinner would be all over the floor.
âoh,â is all he can say.Â
-
days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months, but every time beomgyu awakens, he finds you smiling up at him. this canât be good for your bank account â heâs quite expensive to rent, after all â but heâs far too afraid to actually bring it up. what if you realize just how much money youâre sinking into him and want to stop renting him? what will he do if you donât want him anymore? he feels an incomparable sense of dread at the thought.Â
he prepares to sit on the couch and watch something, listen to music, or even play a video game with you. you two have gotten into them recently, and heâs discovered that he very much enjoys playing with you, even when youâre yelling at him and demanding that he stop letting you win. he canât help but grin when he thinks about it. you start playing a song, and you do, indeed, invite him to sit on the couch, but you donât sit down next to him and start babbling away about your day like you usually would.Â
âdo you think you could do me a favor?â you ask.Â
âwhat, do you want me to wash your dishes?â he jokes, and you share a laugh before you say your next words, but all laughter and joy is profusely sucked out of him when you say them.
âno, smartass, but can you braid my hair for me? iâm going over to soobinâs tonight, and i want it out of my way.âÂ
âsoobinâs?â
âyeah, itâs been a while since iâve stayed the night, and he said weâre way past due for it,â you tell him, and the world as beomgyu knows it comes crashing down around him.Â
âyouâre staying the night with him?âÂ
âmhm. heâs right, itâs been too long; but donât worry, i bought a pass so you can play video games online. thereâs even a headset so you can talk to people, if you want. maybe youâll even make some friends,â you say while playfully waggling your eyebrows. beomgyuâs silence is pensive, to say the very least, and you worry that heâs apprehensive of making a friend that isn't you.Â
âseriously, you might like it. itâll be good for you to meet more people, honestly. iâm sure itâs driving you crazy to only have me to talk to,â you jokingly add, but to beomgyu, itâs the worst joke heâs ever heard. no, it does not drive him crazy to only talk to you every day. in fact, even though heâs not conscious during the time you spend away from each other, he thinks, deep down, that he still somehow misses you when youâre apart. and no, he does not think he needs to have anyone but you. you are more than enough for him, so how could you ever think he needs more? again, he is taunted by that same strange and implacable feeling heâs been having ever since he met you, yet he canât quite put his finger on it, even when he nods and tells you that heâll try making new friends.Â
but as he brushes out your hair and you sing along to the words:
"iâm glad i didnât die before i met you
but now i donât care
i could go anywhere with you
and iâd probably be happy"
he finally understands what that feeling is. that warm, all-consuming feeling. that feeling of comfort, safety, and unconditional understanding. that feeling of infinite curiosity about the other person. that feeling of wanting to known and be known in a way so profound it physically aches.Â
yes, as he gathers your hair and ever-so-gently twists it in his hands in preparation for you staying the night with a man you clearly prefer over him, the feeling becomes clear as day. love. what he feels for you is love â an emotion he should never be able to even fathom, yet he does.Â
and it makes him loathe himself to a degree he never thought he was capable of.
heâs so put off by this sentiment, he almost canât finish the braid because his hands are shaking so much, but somehow, he finishes, anyway.Â
âare you done?â you ask as you fiddle with your hair and look back at him.
âmhm,â he replies.Â
âyay! thank you!â you say giddily.Â
âyouâre welcome,â he mumbles. youâre not stupid, so you notice that something is off about him, but you just assume itâs because heâs nervous about being left alone to make new friends. you feel guilty in a certain sense, but itâll be good for him to branch out and meet new people, so you tuck the feeling away as best as you can before packing your nightly essentials and getting ready to leave.
âiâll be back tomorrow morning,â you tell him, and he only nods with his lips pursed, which makes your heart feel sour.
âtry not to miss me too much,â you tease, but it doesnât seem to cheer him up in the slightest.Â
âhave fun,â he replies weakly, and your previously sour heart now kind of aches, but you have to do this for him. you can't always be beside him for everything, right? besides, it's only for the night.
you open the door to leave, but before you go, you turn back to him and he senses hesitation in you. before he can question it, youâre opening your arms, and his eyes widen when he realizes youâre inviting him in for a hug. you almost regret doing it as soon as you open them for fear of making him uncomfortable, but he embraces you before you have time to process such feelings. on beomgyuâs end, he has always been wary of touch for obvious reasons, but he gravitates towards your open arms like he was meant to be in them.
he rests his chin on the top of your head for a moment and you spend an unknown length of time just standing with your arms wrapped around each other.Â
âiâll miss you,â you admit, and before you can smack yourself for being so dramatic and sentimental over what will ultimately only be one night, you can swear you feel his grip tightening even more around you.
eventually, you break away and look up at him with a smile. you ruffle his hair and promise to see him later, and he answers you with a nod. then, you're leaving and locking the door behind you.
immediately, beomgyu feels a sense of loss heâs never felt before. after all, to experience loss, you must have something worth losing in the first place, and he has never had anything like that. at least, not until you. so he stands at the door for who knows how long, just like a puppy waiting for his owner to get home.Â
-
soobin can sense youâre out of it before you even finish crossing through his doorway, and it puts a halt to your typically overdramatic greeting.Â
âwhatâs the matter? are you feeling okay?â he questions concernedly as he pulls you in for a hug. you nod before you break apart from him and walk through the threshold.Â
ây-yeah. itâs just, i donât know, i guess i just feel bad about leaving beomgyu all by himself,â you tell him as you plop down on his couch.Â
âthe android youâve been renting?â he asks incredulously. âiâve been meaning to ask you about that, actually. whyâre you renting it so much? i barely even see you anymore. is the sex that good?âÂ
âyou know i donât use androids like that,â you snap in annoyance, partially because heâs calling beomgyu âitâ.
âi know, which is why iâm so confused. why rent it in the first place if youâre not getting anything out of it?âÂ
you struggle to answer his question. you promised beomgyu youâd keep his secret, but you trust soobin, and you know he wonât judge him, or worse, report him. besides, itâll be good to have an unbiased third party weigh in on the situation. with this in mind, you tell him about beomgyu, skipping over some of the more personal details. heâs in disbelief at first and actually thinks youâre just fucking with him, but as you tell him more and more about the time youâve spent together, his smile falls and his face turns serious.Â
âso thatâs why i feel so guilty about leaving him alone,â you finish with a deep sigh. heâs silent for a few moments before collecting his thoughts.
âgod, i canât believe this is actually happening,â he whispers.
âi know. itâs insane, but itâs true. heâs just so⊠human. you should've seen the way he looked at me when i told him i was leaving. i donât think iâve ever seen anyone look so sad before.âÂ
âwell, youâre right about him needing to make friends,â he says with a nod, and it validates all of your misgivings about leaving him alone. âbut donât you think you should, i donât know, think about what all of this means?âÂ
âwhat do you mean?â you ask, and in that moment, he knows you have no idea about the way beomgyu probably feels about you. heâs not 100% confident in his deductions, but the way you describe how beomgyu acts around you pretty much tells him everything he needs to know.Â
âi mean, you basically have a completely sentient creature who relies on you for everything. if heâs as human as you say he is, then he can probably feel everything that we do. right now, iâd guess that he feels like youâre all he knows.â and the sneaking sense of guilt that was previously threatening to creep up on you is now completely overwhelming. youâre all he knows. and you left him all alone to fend for himself and make his own friends. yes, he needs to learn how to make connections, but how could you expect him to know how to do that? it took weeks for him to finally seem comfortable around you, so how could he possibly know how to make them on his own? moreover, even though it's nothing to you, you're his entire world. he must feel like you abandoned him.
âiâve gotta go,â you mumble.
âwhat?â he asks.Â
âiâiâve gotta go home,â you repeat as you hurriedly stand up and hug him goodbye.Â
âwait! i think you should ââÂ
âlove you, bye!â you shout as you book it out of the doorway.Â
-
when you return home, you open the door to see beomgyu listlessly staring at the television screen. when he hears you, he turns to look at you with watery eyes. he looks so lost in this moment, and all of your suspicions are confirmed.
âbeoms, i am so sorry,â you tell him as you rush over and throw your arms around him.Â
âfor what?â he asks with a gulp as he stays in your embrace, shakily wrapping his arms around your waist.
âiâm sorry for leaving you all by yourself. i thought it was just for one night, so itâd be alright, but you donât have anyone but me right now; and i realize that itâs unfair for me to expect you to meet other people all on your own when youâve never had to do it before. if you want friends, iâll help you, okay? iâll be there with you as you do it,â you tell him, and you feel his body trembling.Â
âi-iâm sorry. i know itâs not a big deal, but when youâre not with me, i feel so scared. i⊠i donât know how to do anything by myself. iâm s-sorry i need you so much,â he whispers, and your heart breaks.Â
âdonât be sorry,â you say gently. âhow about this: iâll join you online and we can talk to people together. then, when youâre ready, you can start hanging out with my friends in person, too, okay? we can keep going until you donât need me anymore.â beomgyu outwardly agrees, which seems to put you at ease, but thereâs just one issue: heâll always need you.
-
gaming online is actually really fun, but making friends is hard for someone like beomgyu. heâs quiet and a little awkward at first, but after a few nights and with your help, he finally warms up to the people he games with. he gets so comfortable, in fact, that heâs even able to shit talk with them a little.Â
âfuckkk, thatâs so unfair!â his new friend, kai, wails over the headset.Â
âitâs not unfair, you just suck,â beomgyu chuckles, and kai whines again. you laugh at their interaction before kai continues.
âhow are you so fucking good at this game? youâve only been playing for a few nights, and youâre already better than me!â he pouts.Â
âiâm just gifted,â beomgyu boasts.
âvery true,â you add, and he beams, but kaiâs next words throw him off-kilter.
âwhatever. stop asking your girlfriend to argue with me â you two make me sick,â he jokes with his signature maniacal laugh, but the two of you are too stunned to laugh along. you look at each other in sheer embarrassment, and you can see beomgyuâs ears turning bright pink beneath his blond hair. youâre not sure why you feel so mortified, but you do. this is beomgyu, for godâs sake. thereâs no earthly way you could ever see him in anything other than a purely platonic way, so why does your heart feel uneasy at the notion? while youâre still too stunned to speak, beomgyu tries to pipe up and respond.
âsh-sheâs â weâre not, uh ââÂ
âdamn it!â kai yells as his character dies yet again, and any momentum beomgyu previously had to clear up the misunderstanding is killed stone dead in its tracks.Â
he turns to look at you unsurely, but the awkward moment seems to have passed for you as you laugh at kaiâs characterâs death. if only he could be as unfazed.
after kai goes offline, you two decide to quit gaming for the night. you turn to beomgyu nervously, and he immediately knows that youâre going to say something serious. he hopes beyond hope that itâs not about what kai said.
âcan i ask you something?â and his heart sinks. oh god, you probably caught onto his feelings. heâs not sure he has the confidence to tell the truth, but how could he lie to you?
ây-yes,â he replies, voice a bit unsteady.
âokay, you can say no if you want, but soobin invited us to a get together heâs having pretty soon. itâs not anything too crazy, so thereâll only be a few of us. i think itâll be a good start for you. maybe youâll even make some new friends, you know?â heâs silent at your words just out of sheer shock. heâd definitely missed the mark when guessing your intentions.Â
âitâs okay to say no,â you hurriedly add, âbut my friends are really nice, and iâd be with you the entire time. even if you donât talk to anybody, you can talk to me.â
âokay,â he agrees before he can even really think about it. he guesses heâs just relieved that you still donât know about his feelings, but part of him aches even still.Â
âreally?â you ask incredulously. âoh my god! i have to tell soobin â heâll be so excited!â you babble, and his lips curl upwards at how happy you are. he wishes he could always make you happy like this, and it seems that heâd agree to absolutely anything if you were the one asking.
-
work has been especially taxing today, which is nothing new, but you have this insatiable suspicion that something feels⊠off as you finish up for the day. as youâre about to head out for the night, you wonder what beomgyu will want to do once you get home. maybe heâll want to play games with kai, or maybe heâll want to watch a movie with you. maybe heâll let you cuddle up to him for warmth, which heâs been very willing to do, lately. the unspoken rule that you two will never touch has become blurry for some reason, but youâre pretty touchy with all of your friends, so it only feels like a matter of course to you.Â
youâre thinking about all of the potential ways tonight could play out when it hits you: you didnât reserve beomgyu. you spit out a curse and hurriedly take out your phone to book him, but itâs too late. heâs already assigned to someone for the night. fuck.
when you get home, youâre anxious beyond belief. you havenât spent a night without beomgyu in months, but more importantly, he hasnât spent a night without you. you try not to think about how scared he will be when heâs powered on in a strangerâs home. you hope heâs able to just switch back to his initial programming, but somehow, you just know it wonât be that easy. you feel sick with worry when you think about how someone so human will have to involuntarily turn his feelings off and pretend to enjoy something heâs being forced to do â with no compensation, no less. he must think you abandoned him. he must think you donât care about him. how could you forget to reserve him when he needs you so much? fuck how busy you were with work, his wellbeing should have been your first priority.
so you sit and watch the hours tick by. you try to relax. you try to tell yourself itâs only for one night, and heâs been doing it for years, but something just feels wrong, wrong, wrong. youâre about to try to force yourself to go to sleep so the night ends more quickly when you hear a rapid knocking on your door. itâs strange for someone to call on you so late, indeed, but when you look through your peephole, you see none other than the very boy youâve been worrying about.Â
âbeomgyu?â you say incredulously when you swing open the door. immediately, he embraces you, and you feel hot tears streaming down your neck as he nuzzles his face into it. you hold him as best as you can as you rub circles into his back and try to shush his cries.
âitâs okay, iâm here,â you tell him, and he whines. you try to break away to get a good look at him, but he just pulls you in even closer, as if youâre his only lifeline in this world, and in a way, you are.
after his breathing slows and his sobs die out, he reluctantly parts from you, so you hold his hand and lead him to your couch. his eyes are swollen and bloodshot while his nose is a bright pink, but he never once takes his eyes off of you for fear of letting you out of his sight. in his mind, you canât leave as long as he can see you.
âare you alright?â you tentatively ask, hand still holding his and soothingly caressing it in an attempt to calm him down. he goes to nod before stopping himself and shaking his head in the negative. your eyes soften even more at the action.
âdo you want to talk about what happened?â you try, and he nods before clearing his throat.
âi, um, i woke up and i was at this womanâs house. she⊠she wanted me to get undressed, but i didnât want to, so she started doing it for me.â you wince at his words, but heâs not finished yet.Â
âshe kept touching me, and it was so disgusting i just â i just couldn't stand it, so i ran away and came here. i donât mean to make your life harder, and i wonât ask for you to stay the night with me anymore, but if you could just let me stay here, i promise iâll learn how to clean or do anything you want. please, just donât make me ââÂ
âbeomgyu, stop it,â you say softly, but firmly. âyou are not making my life harder. you can stay here as much as you want and do whatever you want while youâre here. iâm so sorry, i didnât mean for this to happen. i was just so busy with work, and by the time i realized it, somebody had already booked you. i promise you that itâll never happen again, okay? so you don't have to be afraid. iâm not leaving you, and i wonât let anyone hurt you, either.âÂ
you donât think youâve ever seen anyone look so relieved before. it looks as though you just saved his life, and to beomgyu, you essentially did. he holds your hand even tighter, as if youâre the only thing keeping him from falling off the face of this planet.Â
âwait here, iâll get you some clothes,â you say gently, but as you go to leave, he holds you even tighter. your eyebrow quirks in a silent question at his actions, and he looks sheepish for a moment before saying his next words.
âc-can we just stay like this for a bit? just for a little while? iâm still scared,â he mumbles, and your heart melts.
âof course. come here,â you beckon, and he falls into your arms and rests his head on your shoulder, breathing your scent in as he tries to imprint this moment into his hardware. you stay like that for a while before you finally convince him to change out of his uncomfortable clothes. he reluctantly lets you go, and his eyes follow you everywhere you walk.Â
that night, you stay up later than usual to spend more time with him. he stays glued to your side and ensures that heâs always touching you in some way, which is endearing in a way you canât seem to put into words. when youâre about to head to bed for the night, you swear you hear him whimper, but he lets you go, anyway. as you lay your head down and get comfortable under the covers, you hear a timid knocking on your door. you call him in, and his gaze shyly flickers between you and the floor.Â
âc-can i stay with you tonight? i wonât bother you, i swear. itâs just â i just still feel weird. y-you can say no! i just thought that ââ
âcome here,â you softly interrupt, and he doesnât hesitate to listen. he closes the door behind him and shuffles towards you, stopping uncertainly at the edge of the bed in a silent plea for permission to enter it. you feel a weird, warm feeling in your chest when he does it. you scoot over and pat the open space next to you before he gathers enough courage to slide in. you cover him with your blanket, and he stiffly accepts it. you giggle at his awkwardness and cuddle up to him, placing your arms around his waist before thinking better of it. how could you just invade his personal space when heâs clearly traumatized? you go to remove your arms and scoot away before he firmly locks you in place.
âitâs okay,â he whispers, settling himself into your embrace and mindlessly toying with the ends of your hair.
âare you sure?â you ask.
âiâm sure.â
it isn't long before beomgyu hears your breathing slow down, and eventually he hears you begin to snore. he smiles at the sound. he can't really sleep, but he's perfectly content with watching you rest. he continues to play with your hair, and you nuzzle into his touch every so often. he doesnât want to repeat the events leading up to tonight, but he would do it all over again â any number of times â with a smile on his face if it meant he got to be with you like this again.Â
-
the next morning, beomgyu waits for the usual delivery guy from the company to pick him up, but itâs currently way past the usual pickup time. heâs most certainly not complaining, but you donât seem even remotely fazed by the matter. however, while youâre casually flipping through your streaming catalog literal hours after heâd already be gone, he canât stop himself from asking:
âum, d-do you know when iâm being picked up?â you pause, and he worries that he may have said the wrong thing before you turn to him.
âdo you want to be picked up?â you ask solemnly.
ân-no! of course not. itâs just, you know, iâd usually be gone by now, so i ââÂ
âdo you want to stay here? with me, i mean,â you interrupt.
âi⊠i do,â he replies with a gulp. usually, thatâd be all you get from him, but it feels like the perfect opportunity to be honest about his feelings. âi always want to stay with you, but i know iâm expensive, and i donât want to be a bother.â he looks ashamed as he admits it, but if he had the courage to look in your eyes, heâd note the fondness that lies within them.
âi told you that youâre not a bother to me. i also told you that you could stay here for as long as you want, remember?â and he does, so he nods.Â
âalright. i meant it when i said it last night, and i mean it now. if you want to be here, you can stay for as long as youâd like. you don't have to worry about your owners anymore, i promise.â and he thinks heâs never seen you as serious as you are now. he wonders what you mean before it dawns on him.
âyou⊠did you buy me?â he asks in disbelief.
ây-yeah. iâm sorry, it sounds so gross when i hear it out loud, but that doesnât mean that i own you or anything. what i really wanted to buy was your freedom, so you can stay as long as you want, but that also means that you can leave whenever you want, too.â
âiâm so sorry,â he says in a hushed, hurried tone. âi know i'm expensive. iâm really sorry.â
âmoney is not an object to me,â you dismiss in faux arrogance with a wave of your hand in hopes that itâll lighten the mood, but beomgyu canât stop the tears from falling over his waterlines, and youâre afraid your attempt to help him only made him feel more indebted to you. all worry is promptly washed away when you feel him pull you into his arms.Â
âthank you,â he just barely breathes out. âi donât know how iâll ever pay you back, but iâll try, i swear.â
âyou donât have to do anything for me, beoms. i shouldâve done it a lot sooner, but iâm just a little slow, i guess,â you muse, and he chuckles softly into your neck.
-
sleeping with beomgyu shouldâve only happened once, but every night when you say youâre heading to bed, he looks at you with puppy eyes and you find yourself inviting him to come along. each time, he looks so excited that if he had a tail, it would most certainly be wagging. he obediently follows you to your room and settles into the empty space next to you before holding you in his arms as you drift off. heâs even taken to humming the tunes of songs he likes when you struggle to settle down, and his baritone voice lulls you to sleep like a charm every time. he spends his time by just looking at you and trying to reconcile with his new reality. this is real. he gets to spend however many nights he wants next to you, as per your own words. even if you didnât mean them, he plans to take them seriously. he is perfectly content with spending the rest of his life just sleeping with you, looking at you, being with you.Â
-
soobinâs get together is tonight, and you look different than usual. your typical look is very casual, which makes sense because youâre only ever at home when youâre with him, but you are now primped and ready to be seen, and it makes him anxious because you look even more lovable. he knows these people are your friends, so they mustâve seen you dressed up before, but that only makes him all the more uneasy; they know a side of you he is only now seeing, and it makes that same old ugly feeling he's grown so accustomed to sprout in his chest.Â
when you arrive at soobinâs place, the first thing you do when soobin swings open the door is jump in his arms like you didnât just see him a week ago. he spins you around with a dimpled grin thatâs so sincere, beomgyu feels emotionally decimated by it. you both giggle as you break apart, and the jealousy beomgyu feels brewing within feels unpacifiable.Â
âis this beomgyu?â soobin asks, grin still very much apparent.
âyes! youâre gonna love him,â you answer giddily.Â
âitâs nice to meet you,â soobin says warmly while stretching out his hand, which beomgyu awkwardly shakes while he tries to force his lips to curl upwards in what he prays is a believable smile.
ânice to meet you,â he mumbles.
âeveryoneâs already here, but youâre late as always,â soobin playfully chastises, and you pout in response.
everyone greets you when you walk in, mostly by hugging you and lightheartedly scolding you for not coming out anymore. theyâre very clearly bantering with you, but each reproach feels like a knife to beomgyuâs heart. heâs the reason you havenât seen them in so long.Â
clueless to it all, you introduce him as your friend to everyone, which only makes him feel worse, somehow. he is just one friend out of many, meanwhile youâre his entire world. youâre far too caught up in the joy of seeing some of your favorite people after so long to notice his dismay, however.
you lead him to soobinâs couch to have a seat with you and one of your friends, taehyun maybe, offers him a drink, to which he awkwardly declines. you quickly follow up with something to the effect of âhe isnât much of a drinker,â and beomgyu nods in affirmation. you try your best to include beomgyu in conversation, but theyâre all talking about people and places he doesn't know. all he knows is you, and the world you two built together seems smaller and smaller with every new topic of conversation.Â
he notices that soobin seems to be eyeing him somewhat strangely, though he tries his best to play it off. he could just attribute it to surface level curiosity, but his intuition tells him itâs much deeper than that. is soobin sizing up his competition? maybe so, but thereâs not much to see. beomgyu is handsome, and he knows it, but soobin knows a side of you beomgyu has only ever heard stories about. youâve told him about your friends and the goings on between you and your coworkers, but it pales in comparison to actually meeting them. he makes an internal note to ask even more questions than he usually does the next time youâre telling him about your day. until then, he sits as close to you as humanly possible and clings onto your arm, which is so second nature to you, you don't even notice that heâs doing it.Â
soobin, who is usually not the inquisitive type, canât help but question the dynamic between you and beomgyu. at first, the lingering glances and intimate gestures were innocuous enough to be written off as mere friendliness, but when you whisper something in beomgyuâs ear and he flushes a bright pink, soobin knows he canât ignore it any longer. he especially canât ignore it when you turn away from beomgyu and he raises a hand to the ear you just whispered into as if heâs reliving the moment. well, time to test his theory.Â
soobin slides into the open cushion next to you and begins excitedly chattering about how pretty you look tonight, and he even takes your braided hair into his hands and twirls it between his fingers.
âyour hair looks pretty,â he muses.
âbeomgyu did it, actually,â you grin, and soobin glances over to said boy, who is currently glaring daggers at him. the look in beomgyuâs eyes is so intense, he almost wants to back off, but he has to get to the bottom of this.Â
âdid he? you know, itâs been a while since you stayed over. wanna have a sleepover tonight? you have some clothes here from last time, and we can cuddle, i know you like that,â he says as innocently as he possibly can.Â
before you can even reply, beomgyu is slamming his hands on the coffee table. you turn to face him in surprise, and the look on his face is the angriest youâve ever seen him. his eyes are dark and his nostrils are flared as he heavily breathes. heâs never been angry at all in front of you, actually, so to say youâre taken aback is the understatement of the century.Â
âbeoms? whatâs wrong?â you ask concernedly, completely turning away from soobin. your voice is enough to somewhat placate him, but before he can fully calm down, soobin is saying his next words.
âiâm sure heâs fine. beomgyu, you can find your way home tonight on your own, canât you?â beomgyu is positively seething at this. before you can question him again, heâs gripping your hand so tightly itâs like itâs the only thing keeping him from drowning, so you excuse the both of you and drag him to the bathroom for some privacy.
âare you alright?â you ask, frantically scanning his figure for some sort of sign of pain or discomfort.Â
âi-iâm fine, i just, uh, i donât feel good,â he says flatly.Â
âwhatâs wrong? is it too much? do we need to go home?â heâs so flustered, he barely registers that youâre calling your house âhomeâ, but he still notices it in spite of everything, and itâs like a balm on his aching heart.Â
ây-yeah, can we go home? please?â he pleads, and you hurriedly nod.Â
âof course, just let me say bye to everyone before we leave, okay?â and he wants to say no, but heâs as weak as ever in front of you, so he relents.
that doesnât stop him from gripping your hand, though, as you say goodbye to everyone. you go to give soobin your usual hug, but beomgyu pulls you back to him even more tightly. you write it off as him not feeling well and just wanting to leave as soon as possible, to which you oblige, and before you know it, you two are scurrying out of soobinâs place like thereâs something chasing you.
as youâre driving home, you feel your phone buzz in your pocket, but it isnât until youâre walking through your doorway that you check it.Â
soobie: we need to talk. call me as soon as you get home
youâre worried beyond belief at his serious tone, so you tell beomgyu that youâve got to make a call before ducking into your bedroom. you donât shut the door behind you, because why would you?Â
you quickly call soobin and the line connects after just one ring.
âwhatâs wrong?â you ask anxiously, and soobin just sighs, which makes you all the more anxious.
âwe have to talk about beomgyu.âÂ
âbeomgyu? what about him? is something wrong?â you question.
âyeah, i mean, maybe. this might sound crazy, but i think â i know â he likes you.â youâre stunned silly for just a moment before bursting into laughter.
âlikes me? what the hell are you talking about?â you dismiss, and you sense his agitation even through the phone.
âiâm serious. i had a feeling before, but tonight just confirmed it. he likes you.â youâre silent for a moment, just trying to process his words, but once your mind somewhat clears, you canât help but deny, deny, deny.
âyouâre wrong. itâs not like that at all. iâm just the first person whoâs ever treated him nicely, and i ââÂ
âyouâre not listening,â he cuts in irritatedly. âhe looked like he wanted to skin me alive tonight. how else do you explain that?âÂ
âsoobie,â you sigh. âyouâve got it all wrong. maybe youâre right and maybe he was feeling insecure, but thatâs probably because iâm the only person he knows. he most likely just felt like you were stealing my attention away.âÂ
âyouâre always so dense about these things, you know?â he groans. âokay, look, iâm not sure how they came about, but i do know that he has feelings for you. maybe it started out as dependence, iâm not sure, but itâs definitely much more than that now.âÂ
âthatâs impossible,â you snort, actually feeling a bit impatient now. how could he possibly think that your relationship with beomgyu was anything other than platonic?Â
âwhy? because heâs a robot?â oh, that shuts you up. âjust think about it. if he were a human, would you still be saying the same thing? like i said before, if heâs as human as you say he is, he can feel the same way we do, and heâs definitely capable of feeling love, too.â you are, again, stunned into silence. suddenly, as if there was a fog that covered your brain before, things that you never really considered become clear to you. the soft touches, the gentleness. sleeping in the same bed and waiting for you to get home. wanting you â needing you â around all the time. the way he plays with your hair. the way heâs so interested in everything you have to say. the clinginess, the dependence. it all makes so much more sense to you.Â
âi ââ you begin, but you just so happen to glance up and see beomgyu right outside of your doorway⊠looking absolutely devastated.Â
âiâve gotta go,â you tell soobin as you hang up, not even bothering to say your usual goodbye.Â
âbeoms, did you hear us?â you ask tentatively, and he flinches a little bit before looking down at the floor and nodding.
youâre unsure of how to navigate this situation from here, but while youâre still trying to figure it out, beomgyu speaks.
âi-iâm so sorry,â he says hurriedly. âi understand if you donât want me anymore.âÂ
âw-what? no, i ââÂ
âiâm just really sorry,â he says, looking as ashamed as a person ever could. âi know itâs wrong, i know itâs disgusting, but i ââÂ
âbeomgyu.âÂ
âbut i canât help it. i wish i could, but i just canât; and i understand if you want to return me or whatever, but if you could just ââÂ
âbeomgyu, stop it,â you interrupt firmly, no room for argument. he stares at you with defeated eyes, and you feel your heart break in two. âi am not disgusted, and i donât want to return you.â his eyebrows furrow as if he doesn't quite understand, so you continue.Â
âyour feelings are not disgusting to me, donât ever say that again, okay? please? it makes me sad,â you plead, and he hesitantly nods. âi think itâs normal, actually. you donât really know anybody else other than me, so of course youâre confused.âÂ
âconfused?â he asks incredulously, eyes snapping up to meet yours.
âconfused,â you nod. âit'll change once you meet more people, i swear.â you try to smile reassuringly, but suddenly, you see tears welling up in beomgyuâs eyes.Â
âbeoms?â you carefully try.
âi don't need to meet more people. i just need you,â he chokes out. âdon't tell me i'm confused because i'm not. i-i'd rather you just say you don't want to be with me than tell me that.â your heart clenches at his words, but he continues.Â
âi just want to be with you, no one else,â he tells you desperately. âi can understand if you don't feel the same way, but i can't stand to hear you say i donât love you, because i do. i really, really do.â and as if you're dissociating, your mind is bombarded by times where he's shown you this exact sentiment. again, you go back to every intimate moment you two have ever shared. it was easy to just chalk it up to his lack of experience, but when he's telling you that's not the case so earnestly, is it truly possible to still believe itâs nothing? after a while, you decide that it most certainly is not.Â
the question is: do you feel the same way? you try to put a name to the feelings you have when youâre with him. the trust you have, the understanding. the desire to share everything you know and like with him, no matter how mundane it may seem to others; and consequently, the endearment towards him when you see how eager he is to listen. more than that, the intimacy between you two. how you like waking up to him smiling down at you, and how when something happens, heâs the first one you want to tell, good or bad. how when you listen to new music, you feel excited at the prospect of sharing it with him.Â
you realize you want to know more about him, the happy things and even the sad things. why he is the way that he is, why he thinks the way he thinks. the peace you feel when heâs running his fingers through your hair and holding you close when you watch the same film for the dozenth time. you try to picture a world where somebody else rented him. a world in which somebody else got to see him as soon as they wake up or as soon as they get home from a particularly grueling day at work, and you finally understand that you wouldnât like that at all. but why? youâve only ever thought of him as a friend, right? so why does it matter to you?Â
your eyes focus on beomgyu again, and you notice how utterly defeated he looks. his heart is on full display for you â and you alone â as tears stream freely down his pretty, doll-like face. are these tears just for you? you think so. is it safe to trust that these feelings he has for you are real? youâre not sure, but you want to. still, thereâs something stopping you.
âi think⊠i think i feel the same way,â you admit, and his previously downtrodden appearance immediately lights up with hope. âbut we shouldnât.â and the words are like lead in your mouth.Â
âwhy not?â he asks, clearly distressed. you just gave him an inch, and heâll be damned if he doesnât take a mile. he never in a million years would have thought that youâd ever reciprocate his feelings, so he canât just let them go so easily.
âi just⊠itâs just not something that i can ââÂ
âis it because iâm an android?â he questions, voice teeming with self-loathing.Â
ân-no! i mean, weâre just so different,â you tell him, trying to skirt around the topic as best as you possibly can, but he wonât have it.
âwhatever it is, iâll change it. please? i can do anything,â he pleads.Â
âitâs not like that. i want to, but we can't. i-i'll get older. i won't look the same â i won't be the same,â and itâs embarrassing as hell to admit it out loud, but you mean it. beomgyuâs urgent gaze softens, and he inches closer to you before heâs standing before you. he reaches out to gently cup your face and tenderly pushes your hair behind your ears.
âand what about me?âÂ
âwhat about you?â you scoff, but you don't pull away from his touch, though your eyes do dart away. âyouâll still be you, and iâll be old and ââÂ
âwhat about when my parts start creaking? what about when i donât remember things like iâm supposed to? youâll still love me then, right?â he asks, but he already knows, and your eyes snap back to his.
âth-thatâs different. you can get repairs. i canât ââÂ
âthen i wonât. youâll get old and gray and iâll get rundown and out-of-date. i donât care what happens, as long as iâm with you.â youâre silent in the wake of his heavy words, so he quickly continues.
âyou told me that when you love somebody, youâd do anything to be with them. you said you always find a way, and i want to find a way to be with you.â your heart simultaneously warms and aches at this sentiment.Â
you consider what it would be like to be with him. things would be difficult, yes, but not impossible. maybe youâll come to regret it someday, but you donât want to think about that right now. you feel like the luckiest girl in the world when you think of the fact that somebody so beautiful, inside and out, wants to be with you. you don't think youâve done anything particularly special for him, but he still wants and accepts you for everything that you are and ever will be.
âokay,â you say shakily, and you finally recognize that his hands are still very much cupping your face, fingers lovingly rubbing against your cheeks. he smiles in pure relief at your answer, but he makes no move to break away his hold on you.Â
you notice how his gaze flicks between your eyes and your lips, and you decide you'll have mercy on him as you lean up to him and press a chaste kiss on his pouty lips before parting. heâs visibly red at the action, and you grin at how flustered he looks. on beomgyuâs end, he feels another bloom of excitement and swell of hope threatening to overcome him. when he looks at the playfulness in your eyes, he smiles even wider.Â
âi love you,â he whispers affectionately.
you pause before you tell him:
âi love you, too, beoms.â
-
that night, beomgyu is even clingier than usual. he sticks like gum to your side. when you head to sleep, he eagerly nestles in your bed and holds his arms wide open. you follow his lead and settle into his warm embrace. he sings you one of his favorite songs youâve ever shown him. the last words you hear before you sink into sleep are:
âto die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
to die by your side, well
the pleasure, the privilege is mineâ
notes pt. 2: sfw work ends here!
you and beomgyu have been âtogetherâ for a few weeks now, so the relationship is still very new. surprisingly or not, things seem more or less the same. you guess you never realized just how intimate you two have always been until you put a label on things. the only tangible differences are that instead of just a mere hug when he greets you, he plants kisses all over your face before finding his ways to your lips. and when youâre watching movies or even just talking, heâll steal a kiss or two. and when you head to bed, you know you can expect him to catch your lips like a man starved before you sleep. things get heated, sometimes, but they never lead to anything besides labored breaths and promises to calm himself down. you take his hesitancy as him wanting to take it slow and treasure your first time together, and you realize he still may be traumatized from the years he spent as a sexbot.Â
you have apologized to him for telling soobin his secret. you let him know your reasoning for telling him, and he accepted your apology quite graciously. honestly? he was never mad, and he tells you that very clearly, but you still feel somewhat guilty even when he says he understands. your guilt is only absolved when he says heâs thankful you told soobin because things may have never changed without his wise input. he says that heâs grateful to soobin for being a voice of reason in the face of your emotional density. you blushed when he told you this, and apologized for being so slow on the uptake, but he just assured you that he wouldnât have you any other way, which made you love him even more, somehow.Â
youâre now about to go to soobinâs again for another get together with your friends. second timeâs the charm, you cheekily told him when you brought it up, and he blushed in response. when you two walk through the doorway, everyone cheers. you greet everyone as usual, and beomgyu tries his best to keep his searing jealousy at bay, but his anxiety starts clawing at him as soobin seats himself next to you and asks you how you are.Â
you giggle and tell him youâre doing well, and he responds by updating you on his tumultuous work life. beomgyu immediately wonders why you havenât told soobin about your new relationship. are you embarrassed to be seen with him? itâs not like he doesnât understand, what with him technically being made out of wires and machinery. of course a human like you wouldnât want to be seen with a metal man like him. you could have the entire world in your hands if you wanted, so whatâs the point of playing pretend with a fake like him? maybe, if he were you, heâd be embarrassed, too. he likes to think that maybe you arenât like that, but at the end of the day, how could you not be? heâs nothing more than a robot masquerading as the real thing.Â
his anxiety worsens the more in depth your conversation with soobin gets. you try to include him by briefly giving him context about the stories soobin tells, but he canât stop himself from worrying. again, he feels like soobin is stealing you away from him, and his mood sours.Â
your other friends try to talk to him, too, but heâs very obviously in a bad mood as he watches you two continue to laugh together. when you finally do turn to beomgyu, you immediately notice how awful he looks.Â
âbeoms? are you alright?â you ask gingerly, but beomgyuâs discomfort is not at all placated even at the term of endearment.Â
ââm fine,â he mumbles, and youâre genuinely in shock at his change of attitude. soobin looks very concerned, but he excuses himself to get a drink so you two can work it out, though he has an inkling of an idea of whatâs triggering beomgyu.Â
âwhatâs wrong with you?â you ask concernedly, but he shakes his head sulkily.
âdo you wanna go home?â you offer, and he immediately nods. you look torn for a second, but when you see how sad he looks, you know you canât deny him.
you say your goodbyes to your friends and apologize for leaving early, but everyone says they understand. soobin makes you promise to host the next get together, though, to which you happily agree.Â
the ride home is mostly silent, but you look over to beomgyu in concern every so often. you grab his hand and squeeze it in a way you hope is comforting, but he doesnât look any better at all.
when you enter your house, you immediately head to your bedroom, and he follows you in silence. you sit on the bed and pat the space next to you.Â
âbeoms, whatâs the matter?â you ask pleadingly as you grab his hands, and his heart, which was previously aching, is (a little) soothed by your concern.Â
âi-itâs nothing,â he answers, but you can tell that heâs lying because of the way he refuses to make eye contact with you.Â
âbaby, i canât help you if you wonât tell me whatâs wrong,â you say. youâre right, and he knows youâre right, but youâre already doing him the favor of a lifetime just by deigning to be with him. how could he dare to ask for more? heâs ashamed at the thought, but you look so sincere, and he knows in his metaphorical heart that he needs to be able to communicate with you if you two are going to have any shot at a lasting relationship.
âi-iâm just j-jealous,â he sputters.Â
âoh, baby, why?â you ask.Â
âbecause iâm not like you,â he admits after a pause. âi already feel like iâm not good enough for you, so seeing you with someone who actually is makes me feel awful.â
âwho? soobin?â and youâre absolutely petrified when he sheepishly nods.Â
âhoney, itâs not like that at all,â you tell him. âweâre just friends, i promise.âÂ
âbut it would be so much easier to be with him. you wouldnât have to be ashamed about telling everyone youâre with an android,â he argues.Â
âbeomgyu, i am not ashamed of you. i just wasnât sure if you felt comfortable with me telling everyone. if you want me to tell them, iâll happily do it. youâre so good, how could i ever be embarrassed of you?â his eyes soften.
âdo you mean it?â he asks, and you nod.Â
âdo i not show it enough? how much i love you, i mean.â he furiously shakes his head no, but you know itâs a lie. beomgyu himself will admit that he needs more validation than most people, and itâs going to take him a while to ever get over it because of his own issues. that doesnât mean you canât try to help him, though, so you brush his cheek with your hands before wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him in for a kiss.Â
âdoes this make you feel better?â you ask after you pull away, but he still looks somewhat depressed, so you pull him in again before pressing your lips against his. this time, you swipe your tongue on his pout, which makes him gasp. you tease your tongue against his and electricity thrums between you two when you do it. he reciprocates your enthusiasm immediately, and before long, youâre both sucking and teasing each other until youâre out of breath.
you pull away again and rest your forehead against his.Â
âbetter?â you question.
âa little,â he says. âm-maybe a little more?â you grin at his coquettishness, and you go in for another kiss. your tongues tangle, but you donât stop there. your mouth travels, peppering kisses down his jaw to his sensitive neck. he shivers at the contact when you swipe your tongue over his unmarred skin before lightly sucking. he lets out a broken moan when you do it, and it reverberates throughout your entire body and straight to your core.Â
âbetter?â you ask again.
âm-more,â he pants.Â
âanything you want, baby,â you tease before your lips hungrily capture his. one of your hands snakes its way up his shirt, and he gasps when you roll his hardened nipple between your fingers. beomgyu is more sensitive than most people, as is the nature of his model, so every little touch drives him crazy.Â
you seem to have noticed this, so when your other hand palms his hardened length through his sweatpants and he almost screams, you have to bite back a giggle.Â
âd-donât tease,â he begs, and youâd do anything for beomgyu, really, but not this time.
you palm him even more harshly and his breath catches in his throat.Â
âmore?â you ask, and he fervently nods. you oblige, sliding your hand under his waistband and teasing the sensitive skin around his length. your fingers brush against it every so often, and he involuntarily bucks every time you do.Â
âc-can i touch you?â he practically implores.
âof course, my love,â you tell him as you remove your devious hands and pull your top off before unclipping your bra.Â
his mouth waters when he sees you, and you can see him gulp almost comically as his big hands meet your breasts. he copies your movement from earlier, rolling your sensitive buds between his very clearly experienced fingers. you let out a contented sigh at the action, but you wonât let this be all about you, so your hand sneaks it way back down his pants. this time, you grab his girthy cock and give it a harsh tug. his actions stutter, and you smirk devilishly at how fucked out he is when the fun part hasnât even begun.Â
you pull at his waistband, and he eagerly tugs his pants and boxers off as soon you do it. he even goes as far as to tear his t-shirt off over his head before he pulls your half-naked body flush against his, falling onto the bed as he desperately kisses you for everything that youâre worth. eventually, he situates himself on top of you, rutting his thick, long cock onto your still clothed thigh. you didnât really get a chance to get a good look at him before, but youâre able to look down at him now, and you realize his dick is gorgeous. just like every other part of him. it stands tall, blushing profusely at the tip and practically weeping precum. itâs a bit hooked, too, no doubt to elicit the most pleasure out of his clients. your pussy is drenched just thinking about how itâll feel when itâs inside of you.
he almost rips your bottoms off of you and his mouth waters even more at the sight of your pussy, all slick and glistening in anticipation for whatâs to come.Â
âso gorgeous,â he whispers as he prepares to lay himself between your legs, but you hook them around his waist before he can do so. tonight will be all about him, youâve decided, so you tug him closer and put one of his pretty nipples in your mouth, swirling your tongue on it and occasionally nipping at the sensitive skin. your other hand continues to tweak the other one before you alternate between the two, causing him to let out a low, guttural groan.Â
eventually, he goes in for another kiss, all tongue and teeth and saliva, and you take one of your hands and harshly clench around the base of his throbbing cock.Â
âis this what you needed, beoms?â you tease, and he nods pathetically as you tug again, harder this time, and let your hands stroke all the way up to his reddened tip. your thumb glides over his slit, and heâs seeing stars.Â
âi donât know why youâre so jealous of someone else, my love. youâre so perfect,â you praise, and his ears get even redder, somehow, in spite of the situation youâre both in.
âi â nghh â i donât like when youâre with him,â he pants, in spite of everything you're doing to him. âonly want you with me.â
âoh, baby, you have me,â you coo. âalways.â and with that, you begin to feverishly jerk him off with one hand while the other returns to his nipple. his hips buck with every movement, and his eyes are screwed shut. you can tell heâs about to come before you completely take your hands off of him.Â
ân-no! w-why?â he asks with a crack in his voice, watery eyes shooting open at the sudden action.
âdonât you wanna come in my pussy, instead? itâs warmer and wetter than my hand,â you ask with faux innocence with a tilt of your head, and his previously aggrieved demeanor morphs back into pure lust.Â
âthatâs what i thought,â you giggle as you grab his length and rub it against your slickness. he groans at the feeling, but you donât immediately take him in, opting to instead roll your hips up, just barely letting his flared head catch against your entrance.Â
âbaby, please,â he whines, and with a smirk, you finally wrap your legs around his waist and line him up with your entrance. you just barely take the tip in, easing it into your pussy, before you force him out again. he gasps raggedly at how tight you are, and heâs wound up so much, he feels like heâs on the brink of exploding. heâs about to take matters into his own hands before you guide him back inside of you, and he feels your walls struggling to accommodate him.Â
âs-so tight! h-how are you so tight?â he hisses, eyes reddened and face strained, but youâre far too busy with the euphoric feeling of him finally inside of you to reply. he eases in inch after throbbing inch, and it is a snug fit, indeed. he almost wonders if heâll even fit, but though the stretch burns you, the pleasure is too great to ignore. finally, your walls slightly relax, and heâs able to completely sheath himself in you. you both moan as his tip pulsates against your cervix, and he considerately gives you time to adjust, walls contracting wildly around him, before he attempts to pull out and really begin.Â
âstop,â you command before he can do so, and his eyes fill with worry at your words.Â
âw-whatâs wrong?â he stutters.Â
âoh, nothing,â you say between pants. âi just want to see how long you can last.âÂ
âw-what do you ââ
and you interrupt him with a kiss. he ravenously reciprocates it, and he canât help but unconsciously thrust his hips, tapping deliciously on the deepest parts of you, but you prevent him from ever fully pulling out. you tangle one of your hands through his hair and grip it â not hard enough to hurt, but enough to make him groan into your mouth.Â
âc-can i move?â he pleads, but you shake your head no.Â
âwhy?â he whimpers, but you just smirk as you kiss him again and bite his bottom lip.Â
he doesnât know how long you two stay like that, but itâs far too long for his liking. he feels his dick swell, and you still refuse to let him move, but you teasingly scrape your fingers against his balls and itâs all he can do not to come.Â
âp-please let me move, it hurts,â he cries, tears now flowing from his eyes. for once, sex is all about beomgyu and what feels good to him. he could cry just from the sentiment alone, but his current tears are the direct result of how youâre teasing him.
âand where does it hurt, baby? use your words, i know you can.âÂ
âh-hurts, my c-cock hurts,â he sputters out.Â
âand would pounding my pussy make you feel better?â you goad, and he whines even louder at the imagery.Â
ây-yes,â he sobs, and you smile as you say your next words.
âsuch a good boy. you can move.â and thatâs all it takes, really, before heâs pulling out despite your cuntâs attempts to suck him back in, and ramming himself back inside of you again and again.
the curve of his cock hits places previously untouched, and your walls spasm around him at the sensation.
âdoes it feel good, beoms?âÂ
âs-so good,â he mumbles as drool pools off of his tongue and out of his mouth, eyes rolling to the back of his head. âso warm and t-tight.â you clench against your will at his filthy words, and it makes a strangled cry leave his throat.Â
âpussy so good, baby. your pussy is the b-best,â he babbles, and your lips meet his again before your mouth travels down, sucking a blooming hickey onto his neck. he trembles at the pain that comes with the pleasure, but somehow, he still has the presence of mind to roll his skilled fingers against your clit. just a few touches, and you already feel your orgasm approaching. he can feel every spasm of yours, and it makes his dick twitch inside of you as he wildly fucks you open.Â
heâs drilling into you so hard, you have to dig your fingernails into the skin of his back to keep yourself grounded. with each thrust, you feel more and more like youâre about to burst.Â
âgonna come!â you whine.Â
âdo it, baby. c-come all over my cock,â he pleads.
âcome inside? want it so bad,â you mewl.
âof course, my angel. a-anything for you,â he tells you as he tenderly brushes your hair out of your sweaty face, and he hammers himself into you at an inhuman pace as you feel the pressure in you crescendo into a searing hot orgasm. you clench even tighter around him while you come, gripping him so forcefully he can barely pull out, so his thrusts become sloppy and uncoordinated before he rams himself into you one last time and paints your inner walls with his cum.
you two stay like that for a while, just panting and basking in the feeling of closeness you feel. he presses a kiss on your forehead as he relaxes his arms and lays on top of you. you giggle at the intimacy and he finds himself sharing your laughter, your joy.Â
âyouâre so beautiful,â he says between breaths, nuzzling his face into your neck and sighing. âi love you.â
âi love you, too, beoms,â you tell him, and you do love him. unconditionally.
notes pt. 3: :,) :,) :,)))))) i'm very sorry if this was disappointing but i hope it was worth it! i would love to hear your thoughts or answer any questions you may have about this fic/universe. feedback is needed to a disgusting degree bc i need validation to survive #sorry
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I don't think it's that we necessarily crave chaos and pain after toxic homes, relationship and friendships. I think many (obviously everyone is different) in fact crave peace and gentleness and care and just safety. We crave it so much and so desperately that it physically hurts and we'd often do anything, be anything, to get it. The problem is we forgot what it looks like. What it feels like to not constantly live on a battlefield, under siege. Or maybe we never even knew at all. Maybe battles is all we've ever know and seen around us. Nothing to teach us there were other ways.
So we forget or never learned and it becomes SO hard to recognise it when it's given to us. Worse still we've learned to distrust it, to fear it in a way. Because for however long it was our reality, all we got was a mimicry of the real thing. Like one of those images in horror film mirrors, initially seeming perfectly normal until your blink and realise something is ever so slightly off and getting more off as time goes.
Peace and quiet was never just peace and quiet. It was the tension of a held breath before the next argument, the look before a hit, the licking of wounds before they find where you hid. Kindness was never just kindness. It was leverage to later use against us, it was an act to the outside world, it was at best a temporary lull at worst a way to confuse and manipulate. Love and care was never given without a cost. To be worked and begged for. Respect was not given just for being a person, but to be proven worthy off. Constantly.
We did not know the real things and the mimicry was all sharp edges and traps laid out to exploit our worst weaknesses.
This does not leave us when we do. The trauma lingers long after. Especially without help. And because that's the only lens we were left with any true care and quiet becomes an uncanny valley effect. You expect a hand moving in your direction to hit so you flinch in an attempt to self protect. Your instincts quicker to react than the ability to register the hand is not striking. Even after, you half expect it to be a fake out and to strike when you let your guard down. It feels wrong. It feels uncanny. It feels like a trap.
You expect love to hurt and when it doesn't you feel anxious. You expect calm to proceed the storm and so you brace. You are constantly watching, waiting. Even if you don't realise it. Even if you don't mean to. You do. Because that was what you had to do to stay safe. To deal, to live. And the waiting is always the worst.
The anxiety and dread of the storm is often more heavy to carry than the destruction. So you just want it to be over with. You just want them to scream or to hit or to hurt or to abandon you. Because the constant waiting for it to hit is exhausting. The storm is not safe, but it is familiar. You know how to weather the storm you see coming. It's the storms taking you by surprise that can kill you.
So you prod and poke, like one would a sore tooth. You provoke and you exacerbate. You see shadows and signs where there are none. Or you hide and deflect and store frustrations untill they blow up. Just to stop feeling that anxiety, that rising dread with no explosive release. Even the fights don't quite do it, because they are not the storm you know, just some vague rumblings in the distance in comparison. So you never get the release, only ever more anxiety. And any moment longer before it comes raining down on you is a moment for the storm to get more deadly. To get more likely to not just hurt but decimate you completely. So you NEED it to burst before it grows beyond.
Add in that no one ever taught you boundaries or healthy communication and conflict resolution skills and you have a recipe for disaster.
You build the destruction of your own happiness.
It takes a lot of healing or at least the self awareness to suppress the worst of your instincts to stop doing this. And it takes even longer to not just tolerate the quiet and the love and the happiness, but to lose the lense that makes you see it in an uncanny distorted tilt. To learn to trust it for what it is and accept that relationships, homes, are not battlefields or natural disasters waiting to happen. They are calm fields and gentle waters. Most of the time there are no big highs and big lows. No explosions or held breaths. Just days where it rains and days where it doesn't. And if the sky rumbles in the distance that too will pass. You will not be buried under the rubble of a broken home again.
It's funny how us people who grew up in toxic households are now in longterm relationships with the highest anxiety ever. Creating fights out of thin air, constantly looking for problems, making every little thing into a huge deal, feeling bored when things are normal, like it's not even real love. We crave chaos and toxicity and crazy strong emotions and everythelse is just so alarming. A healthy relationship is not the crazy strong passion all the time, it's being calm. That takes a long time for us to get used to.
#trauma#trauma response#it's a pain#but while it's hard to heal and never fully leaves you it does get better#just to be clear because online text hard to parse#I'm not arguing against OP just expanding#because I've seen a lot of people I've know over the years worry that they were somehow uniquely broken#and could never accept actual love and care doomed to repeat their past hurts#that they had lost the capacity to be loved and have meaningful relationships#and almost all of them were so incredibly loving and were the definition of touch and affection starved#they just couldn't recognise it or trust it when given and were reflex defensive#and for me it took a very long time to trust friends actually liked me and weren't just too nice to tell me to get lost#or to unfurl from my defensive ball of hiding and be myself#I just was the hide and pretend everything is ok and never complain or ask for anything type instead of fighty#which for those who think this is better it's equally painful to someone who cares if they can never be there for you#people who care want to be there for you and want you to be able to tell them no or ask for what you need#it hurts to think you might unknowingly trampled on someone's boundaries because they could not say where they were#they want you to be ok and loved#anyway#long post#because apparently one should not let me loose on this topic at silly o clock at night#filters are way down
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Another load of Jealousy - Yunho x f!reader
Summary: Yunho isn't about to even entertain the idea of his girlfriend talking to another man. It doesn't matter how many loads of love, care, and cum it takes to make her remember that she is his and he is hers. Genre: smut (mdni!!!) Pairings: bf!Yunho x f!reader Tags/Warnings: SMUT MDNI, mean dom!yunho (kinda sweet after some time), sub!reader, fingering(?), penetration, unprotected sex, established relationship, jealousy, possessiveness, breeding kink, choking, bulge (lmk if something is missing, I have never done this) A/N: This is the 3rd smut I've ever written in my life... I haven't posted the first two since they were written a couple years ago and were bad, so I hope this is worth posting. The plot isn't anything great because this was mostly for trying to see what it's like to write smut and I didn't want to waste a good plot on this if this turned out bad LOLLL. So please, keep in mind that I've almost never written smut! Word count: 2 300 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If someone asked you if you loved Yunho, youâd answer âyesâ in a heartbeat. He was more than just a lover or a boyfriend; he was your worshipper, kissing the ground you walked on. And if someone asked you if youâd ever cheat on him, youâd give a firm ânoâ and tell the person off. Although you wanted to make it clear to everyone you were Yunhoâs girl because you loved him, it wasnât the only reason to push people away. Youâd be in big trouble if he started to consider the possibility of you holding affectionate feelings for anyone else than him.Â
âBaby, what are you doing? ~âÂ
Despite Yunhoâs needy tone and presence next to you on the couch, you couldnât tear your gaze off of your phone.Â
âWait a second, Yuyu,â you murmured.Â
He watched as your fingers tap-danced on the small screen, obviously writing a message to someone. Someone who was robbing him of your attention. Your eyes reflected the light coming from the phone screen but Yunhoâs eyes shone with something else. He was getting frustrated.Â
âPlease, Iâm lonely,â he whined, his hand creeping up on your thigh, trying to go unnoticed yet wanting desperately for you to pay attention to him.Â
Still, you didnât even glance at him. It was subtle but Yunho noticed how you tried to hide your phone screen, leaning away ever so slightly.Â
The longer your attention was on the mysterious person you were talking to, the angrier Yunho became.Â
You felt him squeeze your thigh, silently demanding you to finally look at him in the eyes. It was a final warning. Only when his long fingers dug onto your inner thigh, you turned to face him.Â
âWho are you talking to?âÂ
Yunhoâs icy voice shouldnât have surprised you â this was nothing new, given his possessive nature. And like always, while it made you nervous, it also caused your pussy to clench around nothing. You couldnât help but get horny when he looked like heâd devour you any second now.Â
âJust work stuff,â you murmured, taking a glance at his hand. No matter how many times his beautiful fingers had been inside you, reaching the deepest, sweetest spots, you just couldnât get enough.Â
âAt this hour? Thatâs bullshit.âÂ
While Yunhoâs eyes were cold, they were undeniably burning with both fury and lust. You knew the look way too well just like he knew your body.Â
âIâm friends with him so I feel comfortable texting him even in the evening. Itâs just about a work project.âÂ
âHim?â Yunhoâs eyes narrowed.Â
You were too nervous to break eye contact with him, but you didnât need to see to feel his hand hover over your core, so close but so far. Even though he was barely touching you, he was probably able to feel how your wetness seeped through your night shorts.Â
âPlease, Yunho... Donât tease me,â you let out a quiet whine, hoping itâd persuade Yunho into touching you.Â
Immediately, he pulled you roughly into a kiss. In a normal situation he would have kept you begging for him, but right now his desire and anger towards you were too much to handle for both of you. His lips claimed yours and showed no mercy or signs of going easy on you. You were enthusiastic to kiss him back, but his need to have you was even stronger.Â
The way he started nearly biting on your lips would have soon left bruises, if you hadnât pulled away. The both of you were breathing heavily after the intense moment, but Yunho wasted no time in trying to rest.Â
âWho is that coworker? A friend you say?âÂ
You felt your pussy get wetter by his demanding words and you tried your best to give him an answer â one that would satisfy him enough yet encourage him to fuck you senseless.Â
âWeâre not close, but enough to be considered friends-! Yunho!..âÂ
He interrupted you with his fingers suddenly under your clothing, circling your clit.Â
âWhat do you need friends for when Iâm here? Donât I give you all you need?âÂ
You squirmed around at the movements of Yunhoâs skillful hands. It was hard not to feel even slightly embarrassed; you didnât want him to know how aroused his possessiveness made you.Â
âY-You canât do work projects for me... I need him.âÂ
Your choice of words pushed the wrong buttons in Yunho, and he took his hand out of your panties. He didnât care when you whined at the loss of contact, just pure jealousy burning in his eyes.Â
âYou say you need him? Baby, Iâm all you need,â his voice was low and dangerous, âThereâs nothing and no-one else.âÂ
It didnât take long for him to have dragged you into the bedroom, his fingers wrapped around your wrist in a bruising grip. You tried to savor every moment despite knowing there were more to come after this.Â
The streetlights outside were the only source of light in your dim bedroom. It took a moment for your eyes to adjust to the darkness, but apparently Yunho saw well enough to push you onto the bed. Maybe he wouldnât have cared anyways if he had pushed you accidentally on the floor. Whenever he got like this, satisfying his need to claim you was the top priority.Â
âStrip.âÂ
You immediately started taking off your nightwear which you had just changed to after shower. Your hair was still damp and smelling like your shampoo. It was definite youâd have to take a shower again after this â preferably with Yunho.Â
âYouâre too slow,â he scolded. The way he started pulling your shorts and panties off was surprisingly gentle; even though he was mad at you, he was still your mere worshipper and saw you as his goddess.Â
Finally, when you saw him properly, your breath caught in your throat. He wasnât standing, just on his knees on the bed, but his height was still intimidating. You loved it though. You loved every moment of this, and your pussy throbbed with desire to have him fill you up to the brim.Â
His chest was heaving with anticipation, and although seeing it bare always excited you, your eyes were fixated on that cock of his.Â
âI-Itâs bigger than I remembered...âÂ
âYouâre going to take it nonetheless. You donât deserve this after how youâve acted but I need this now,â Yunho stated, his tone leaving no room for discussion.Â
You felt like a prey, his next meal, as you watched him crawl closer on the bed and lay you down rather harshly. The intense eye contact just added to the arousal you felt leaking out of you. You needed him so bad, and your legs spread open automatically to give him way to your core that was aching for him.Â
âYou need a damn reminder every week of who you belong to. I donât know if I want you to stop teasing me like that or not,â Yunho whispered, his right hand finding its way to your neck, âAt least I get to fuck you like this.âÂ
He turned your gaze back up to him by gripping your neck, when you tried to look at his cock. You managed to see how its tip was covered in clear precum. It was as hard as it always was when you had moments like this, if not even harder. You wondered how it had ever managed to fit inside you with the impressive girth and length.Â
âLook at me in the eyes. I want you to look at me clearly so youâll remember my face every time you talk to another man.âÂ
You didnât have time to process Yunhoâs words. As he pushed his cock inside you, it was impossible to think about anything else than him. Although you were as wet as ever for him, it was still almost hard to take him in. No matter how many times he had made love to or fucked you, no matter how fast and rough or slow and romantic, he stretched you up nicely every time.Â
âMy girl. My baby,â Yunho muttered more to himself than to you. His hips had started moving some time ago already, but only now you were coming down back to Earth.Â
His hand was on your neck like to use it to support himself, but the grip was still somewhat gentle. It tightened every time he thrusted in, and the lack of air just made you lose your mind in the pleasure even more.Â
Your walls were slippery and starting to adjust to his size, so he slid inside with ease. It didnât mean there was no delicious friction left though.Â
âWho do you belong to? Him or me?â he growled into your ear. Although the pace of his hips had grown faster, he made sure to push deep inside you, drawing out every moan he could get from you.Â
Your attempt to answer was cut off quickly as Yunhoâs hands started squeezing your throat. It would have been hard to breathe even if you werenât breathless already from having him ram your insides.Â
âAnswer me. A little choking shouldnât shut you up like this.âÂ
Again, you tried to tell Yunho that you were only his to love, fuck, and take care of. But he held your throat tighter again, clearly teasing you. It was impossible to win this game, and you loved it that way.Â
A mocking smirk spread on Yunhoâs lips, âYou donât have to say it. I know youâre mine by the way Iâm the only who ever gets to be balls deep inside you.âÂ
He released your neck and pressed his hand lightly on your lower stomach. It was no secret that your boyfriendâs cock was big, but the way you could see a clear bulge, the way your lower abdomen moved up and down with Yunhoâs thrusts, made you clench down on him.Â
âF-Fuck... You make it so hard to stay mad at you,â he groaned out.Â
You watched his eyebrows furrow as if he was holding back. Finally, you had been able to catch your breath, although it was still difficult due to his relentless thrusts.Â
âI love you. Iâm yours, Yunho...âÂ
Your pleasured admission not only softened his heart a bit but made him even more lustful. He knew you were his. If you tried to leave him, heâd find a way to make you stay â even with force if necessary. But hearing you say out loud once again that you were his satisfied him.Â
âI know. I know, my pretty girl, and I love you too,â his eyes met yours in a gentle way even.Â
A loud moan slipped past your lips as Yunhoâs fingers found your clit, finally continuing what he had started on the couch in the living room. Circling, pressing, and pinching on it â he did it all. Your sensitive skin tingled and almost felt like on fire.Â
âW-Will you fill me up?â you grasped at the sheets under you, making them all rumpled and look unkempt. They were dirty anyways due to the sweating.Â
Yunho moved your hands on his shoulders. There was nothing more that he wanted than to see your nail scrapes on his skin, a mark of who he belonged to.Â
âIâll fill you up, baby. My cum will be leaking out,â he looked at you before turning his eyes to his cock, slightly amused, âIâll just fuck a new load tomorrow then. Youâll have my babies in no time.âÂ
His talk about breeding you brought you closer to your release, and he definitely noticed it by the way your pussy squeezed his thick cock.Â
âLook at your pussy, how itâs clenching down on me. It likes to be bred, huh?âÂ
âYunho, I-I'm close... so close,â you whimpered, gripping his shoulders like they were your savior. But you knew nothing could save you from the climax you were reaching quickly.Â
Yunho smiled down at you a bit cockily, âHave I made clear who you belong to?âÂ
âYes!â you whined, thighs trembling.Â
âAnd who do you belong to, baby?âÂ
If you werenât in such a state of mind-blowing pleasure, you could have teased him on purpose and said the name of your coworker. However, now that you were so close to coming, you couldnât ruin this.Â
âYou! You, Yunho!..âÂ
A genuine, sweet smile tugged the corners of his lips slightly upwards. By looking at his furrowed eyebrows, it was clear he was holding back as well, near to orgasm but fighting back for your sake.Â
And Yunho knew your body so well, that he recognized your sounds of enjoyment and body language, so that just when you reached the peak, he closed the distance between your lips. Your cries of pure pleasure were muffled by his mouth.Â
His body shook and it didnât take long for him to go over the edge, to let out a few stifled groans. Hot cum spurted out inside you, filling you just like Yunho had promised.Â
âSo, youâre going to block that manâs number, right?â Yunho mumbled, his head lying down on your chest. He could hear your heart beating rapidly after the intense session but eventually calming down to steady, slow beats.Â
You chuckled, caressing his hair slightly damp from the sweat, âI canât block my coworkerâs number.âÂ
A surprised and disappointed whine fell past your lips as Yunho got up and pulled his now softened cock out of you. He looked down at your pussy, watching with glee how his fresh cum leaked out. There was a lot of it still inside you, but it wasnât enough for him. Nothing was ever enough for him when it came to you.Â
âI guess you can take another load then.âÂ
#kpop fanfic#kpop x reader#ateez#ateez x reader#ateez fanfic#ateez fic#jeong yunho x reader#jeong yunho#jeong yunho smut#ateez smut#ateez x y/n#ateez x female reader#ateez x you#ateez hard thoughts#ateez hard hours#yunho x reader#yunho smut#ateez yunho#yunho hard thoughts#yunho hard hours#yunho ateez
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Could you please write about the Harbingers spending time with the reader on their birthdays? But maybe they send what they did with you as a letter to the Traveler like the in-game feature? :D
⥠đđđ«đđąđ§đ đđ«đŹ' đđąđ«đđĄđđđČ đđđđđđ«đŹ âĄ
synopsis: The Traveler naturally expects mail in their inbox whenever the Harbingers' birthdays roll around. However, they didn't expect it to be so... lovey-dovey, and all about you.
includes: all harbingers w/ gn! reader
notes: I've finally finished it! I've been wanting to write something similar to my voice line post for a while, so here it is - the Harbingers sending birthday mail, except they're very down bad for you :3 Includes a letter, a photograph, and attached items with the letter! (Sorry to the Pulcinella fans, I was too lazy to write him in.)
âHomeâŠâ
Sender: Pierro
It is my birthday today. Normally, I would have continued on my day as usual, but [Name] had another idea in mind, going so far as to get the Tsaritsa herself to block the door to my office and then dragging me away. It seems they were planning this for a while⊠The last birthday I celebrated was the year Khaenriâah fell. What purpose did today serve when my homeland and people were gone? As the years went on, it began to slip my mind and I nearly would have forgotten the date, were it not for [Name]âs question a while ago. I thought nothing of it, but I did not think [Name] would have taken this so seriously.
They knew I would enjoy anything so long as it was with them, yet they had the entire day planned out. Claiming that I needed some fresh air, we walked through the Snezhnayan streets, the normally biting frost a bit warmer than usual. Casual browsing at some new stores that opened up. [Name]âs attempt at starting a snowball fight. And lastly⊠grocery shopping.
When we got back, they wouldnât let me help or look. But I could tell from the smell exactly what they were making. It turns out that they managed to make a dish from my home country. I am not sure how they managed to get a hold of this recipe⊠I must have mentioned it offhandedly and they improvised from there. Of course, itâs not an exact replica, but nonetheless, it tasted delicious. Just for a few minutes, I was taken back to my previous home. That home will never come back, but I have a new one now.
And now the day is almost over. Despite their best efforts to stay awake until the end of the day, they succumbed to their sleepiness, now lying on my lap. They were supposed to read me something they made, but perhaps Iâll find out what that was tomorrow.Â
Tomorrow will be back to normal again. But that is alright. I still do not believe I deserve a day like today but, if this is what [Name] desires, then I shall not refuse them again. Iâll look forward to the next birthday just as they do.
Attached Photograph:
A picture is included with the letter that has Pierro and you in it. The Harbinger is seated at a table with a homemade dish in front of him. His giant coat and mask are placed off to the side, revealing scars from long ago. Youâre glued to his side, trying to feed him by holding the spoon close to his mouth. Pierro is a grown man, the Traveler thinks, he does not need you to feed him⊠However, he looks quite content with this arrangement so the blonde wonât question it any further. In fact, he looks as if heâs right at home.
Attached Items:
Ancient Khaenriâahn Dish [A meal unique to Khaneriâah that has long been forgotten by the world. Although you clearly struggled to make it due to a lack of experience, even the Traveler can taste how much of your love was put into it.]
Khaenriâahn Story Book [A book that contains numerous fairy tales and various stories originating from the lost nation, written by none other than Pierro himself, and illustrated by you. Apparently, it was born from you begging him to tell you stories from his home, and eventually, the Harbinger began to write them down so you could read them instead of bothering him so often. However, it made the problem worse as now you bother him to read them to you. How sweet.]
â
âA Day Off.â
Sender: Dottore
[Name] has convinced me to go back to Sumeru with them for a couple of days. I couldnât care less about this day, but they were adamant about spending the whole day with me, and that they âwill not be spending my birthday in a dark gloomy lab again.âÂ
My research has regrettably halted for a bit, but I suppose this was not a bad idea. This was the first time in many years that either of us had stepped foot back into Sumeru - we had not been back since I was expelled from the Akademiya, besides my segments of course.
[Name] and I trekked the same path we used to walk during our studies at the Akademiya. It was a good spot for studying and conducting experiments without any disturbances - that was until they started following me around. They were a nuisance at first⊠but eventually, [Name] began to help me deconstruct a variety of machines, which was helpful. And then would laugh at me whenever I ended up breaking them.Â
Ever since I met them, [Name] has always said a lot of strange things, but their most recent comment was that they wanted to drink the blue liquid in the vial I carry around. They think it looks⊠tropical and vibrant. Of course, I refused them. But I had a feeling that if I didnât provide them with it, theyâd try and get it themselves. I was not interested in having to inject an antidote into them, so I came up with a solution.
I know that I am no chef, but this goes outside the realm of cooking. It wasnât hard to create a sweet drink that would be to [Name]âs liking with the same color. They were more pleased than I thought and demanded that I make it for them more often. I do not care much for nourishment, but perhaps Iâll try my hand at it more often. They have insisted that I send you some, too. So, Traveler, is it to your liking as well? Even if itâs not, I do not care, so donât bother telling me.
Attached Photograph:
A picture is included with the letter that has Dottore and you in it. Despite how much the Traveler has explored Sumeru, they canât seem to pinpoint the location where it was taken. It must really be a secret place, just for the two of you. Dottoreâs mask is on his lap, revealing crimson eyes and scarred skin. You seem to have fallen asleep on his shoulder, as your eyes are closed, though your mouth seems to be agape, perhaps mumbling some nonsense in your sleep. Dottoreâs expression is exasperated, but there is a certain fondness in his eyes, one that the Traveler canât distinguish, or rather, they refuse to believe it. Did the Kamera have an editing function now? Because surely, the photograph must have been forged or something, because there was no way The Doctor could ever have such a tender look in his eyesâŠÂ
Attached Items:
Strange Blue Concoction [Some kind of legitimate drink thatâs the same color as the vial Dottore carries around. According to [Name], it is quite delicious, but would any sane person dare to try anything from The Doctor of all peopleâŠ? Who knows, these two might be trying to poison the blonde.]
Assortment of Ruin Guard Parts [Parts from Ruin Guards Dottore created and assembled himself. A wide variety of parts are here, including Chaos Cores, Circuits, and Devices. Wait⊠they seem to all be damaged and broken. Hey, did Dottore just send the Traveler his useless parts?!]
â
âCare For A Show?âÂ
Sender: Columbina
Hello dear Traveler! How are you?~ Today has been such a wonderful day. Why, you ask? Because itâs my birthday of course! âȘ The one day when I have the ability to drag my beloved [Name] wherever I want, with no resistance. Normally they protest for quite a bit, telling me I have a mountain of work to do but, they donât need to worry their pretty little head about that. â« Is it that much of a crime to slack off to spend time with oneâs beloved? But oh, that little routine of ours is something that I do cherish.
My dearest [Name] took me to a play. We were among the first to see it, as it was the opening day. You know, they always tell me that as a Harbinger, I should be more conscious of how I present myself. But is it really a problem to sit in their lap instead of my chair? Itâs not like anyone can see us all the way up on the balcony seats, hmm? ⏠Moving on though~ The play was quite an interesting story.Â
It was of an angel who fell in love with a mere human, despite how taboo it was. When the two were caught, the angel had to decide - would she rather retain their purity and remain in the heavens or fall down, stripped of her divinity to be with her human? Well, if you want to see the ending, youâll just have to come to Snezhnaya and watch it yourself. âȘ But do tell me Traveler, if you were in a situation like that, what would you choose? ⊠I already know what my choice would be.
Ah, but that show was not even the best part! After that, [Name] put on their own performance for me, just the two of us. It was beautiful of course, the way they convey their choice of art is always worthy of praise. But, they always seem to seek my feedback and criticism⊠they told me they want to keep improving to make me even more pleased but, how many times do I need to explain to them that I already believe their craft is beautiful? Nevertheless, I do indulge them, if only to satisfy my love. Why donât you take a look at one of our collaborations, Traveler? It is quite good if I do say so myself. â«
Attached Photograph:
A picture is included with the letter that has Columbina and you in it. The lighting in the theater is a bit dim, so your figures are a bit faded but, the Traveler can still make out the two of you. The two of you have separate chairs but, Columbina is practically spilling onto yours, her head comfortably resting against your chest. You seem as though this is normal for you, which it probably is. Wait, is Columbina sleeping? It seems she probably got bored during the intermission⊠Thatâs why you specifically chose your clothes to double as a blanket for your wife.
Attached Items:
Music Score [A music score composed by both you and Columbina. The two of you performed it perfectly together as a present to your wife. Of course, itâs bound to be mesmerizing considering Columbinaâs participation. So hauntingly beautiful, that in fact, it might end your life before you get to the end⊠is that an exaggeration? Well, it seems like the Traveler will have to take that risk.]
Pair of Tickets [Tickets gifted to the Traveler and Paimon. Thereâs no name on it or any expiration date, so it can be used to watch a single play in Snezhnaya for free, with the best seats in-house, so pick carefully. These things are quite expensive, so donât go losing them now! Otherwise, Columbina and [Name] might ban the traveling duo from the theaterâŠ]
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âAn Excellent Day.â
Sender: Capitano
Today is my birthday. However, I have never been very adept at celebrating this day. I realize that it is the norm to celebrate oneâs birthday, but I have never felt the need to. Though, ever since I became a Harbinger, my recruits have always wished me well today. Unfortunately, when the bolder ones ask me what I have planned, I have nothing interesting to respond with, always prompting them to urge me to do something⊠In the hallways, I always hear conversations along the lines of even though being a Harbinger is busy, I deserve to do something nice on my birthday. But in reality, it does not bother me at all. Is it really that strange not to do anything on oneâs birthday?
When [Name] found out how I normally spend my birthdays, they shared a similar sentiment and promised to make this one âthe most eventful and fun and best one Iâve ever had.â They said that since this is our first year together, they need to make my birthday an excellent one. Although I tried to reassure them they neednât try so hard for me, they were insistent. However, true to their word, I would say my birthday did end up being an excellent one.
One thing about [Name] is they never fail to teach me something new. In this case, they taught me what it means to celebrate a birthday, and Iâd say I learned a lot. As stated by them, there is no exact or definite way to celebrate. It is what you make of it. And they, knowing the kind of man I was, chose the activities accordingly. (There were a few mishaps but everything went well for the most part. It is not customary to break a few knives while cutting cake, so I feared that I may have ruined things, but [Name] reassured me it was normal.)
So all in all, today was an excellent day. However, I am faced with a problem now. What should I do when [Name]âs birthday comes? Should I do the same thing they did for me? But would they think that is low effort and unoriginal? I do not wish to disappoint them. Traveler, do you have any ideas? Also, please ask Tartaglia for me as well. The last time I spoke to him, he tried to ask me for a duel.
Attached Photograph:
A picture is included with the letter that has Capitano and you in it. The snowy forest terrain looks as picturesque as ever, but what really draws attention is the man and his lover in the middle. Mostly, the Harbinger who has a squirrel or two perched on him, not to mention the few birds that made their nest in the fluff of his coat. And even some cats? Where did they come from?! Well, itâs best not to question it. Itâs rather endearing. Rather, one should question how silent and unmoving the Captain is in an effort to not disturb all the animals. Just ignore the deer in the background waiting for some attention too.
Attached Items:
How To Celebrate Your Birthday Pamphlet [A collaboration between Capitanoâs Fan Club and [Name]. The fan club loves you immensely because you help to put their long-awaited plans into action. The numerous activities in this guide (blowing out the candles, feeding each other cake, gift giving, lots of affection, etc) were written out by the club and dutifully carried out by you. There were also birthday punches, but Capitano was confused as to why you were tickling him.]
Capitano and [Name]âs Picture Book [Donât tell anyone this, but Capitano has a tendency to name all the creatures of the forest near his mansion. At first, he went there to train, but decided against it after seeing all the animals around there, because he doesnât want to scare them away. What he did not expect was to befriend all of them⊠you came across him one day talking to them after searching for him. How can he tell them apart? Even you donât know. But this book is dedicated to all of his animal friends, with pictures taken by you of course. So if the Traveler happens to visit Snezhnaya someday, make sure to be nice to these little guys!]
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âTheyâre AnnoyingâŠâ
Sender: Wanderer
It is that time of year again when my birthday rolls around. You know very well I do not care much for this day, but once again, there are always annoyances at my every turn⊠Both Lesser Lord Kusanali and [Name] always prove to be a thorn in my side on this day. In the past, I usually spent my birthdays under the sakura trees in Inazuma, visiting [Name]. But, things have changed now. I no longer am who I once was, and my relationship with [Name] is no longer the same. They have forgotten me, and our past together⊠but Lesser Lord Kusanali has forced us to interact again numerous times, leading to our current relationship. Lesser Lord Kusanali always pats my back, saying that time will lead us back to each other⊠how irritating.Â
Speaking of her being irritating, she decided to tell [Name] that today was my birthday, a horrible decision. Now, theyâve run all over Sumeru looking for me, until they finally found me in the House of Daena. Panting and gasping for air, all I could hear was them sincerely apologizing over and over for not knowing my birthday. They promised theyâd get me a late birthday gift, even though I kept repeating that it was unnecessary. Unfortunately, it has always been hard to get things through their thick skull. All I know for sure is that Lesser Lord Kusanali definitely planned this and that she will tease me to no end the next time I see herâŠÂ
Still, they dragged me through Sumeru City. According to them, they knew I wouldnât like anything too fancy, so they brought me to an alleyway. Your typical textbook dark and narrow one. And at the end were⊠cats. Many of them. [Name] turned to me with a smile and said they bet I didnât know about this secret kitty haven, and that it was a perfect gift for someone like me. I do wonder if Sumeruâs sun has made them crazy sometimes.
But, this birthday wasnât as boring as I thought itâd be. So⊠thatâs nice, I guess. Actually, Lesser Lord Kusanali had assigned me a paper to write. A paper on [Name], on my own birthday. She said that she wasnât going to read or check it, but it was for my sake. How preposterous, right? How would anything like that help me?
But tonight⊠I feel as though Iâll make some progress on it.
Attached Photograph:
A picture is included with the letter that has Wanderer and you in it. The puppet is at the top of the ladder in the House of Daena, searching for books (most likely forced to by the Dendro Archon), but your figure can be made out at the bottom. You seem to be waving and beckoning him to come down, so he can have a good time with you for his birthday. Wanderer doesnât seem very excited about it, but⊠he will always indulge you, the person he canât deny he loves. Hmm? Why is he using a ladder instead of his Anemo powers? Well, perhaps the puppet doesnât like drawing attention to himself.
Attached Items:
Essay Concerning Inazuman Society and Politics [An essay Wanderer has written during his time spent in Vahumana. What, did the Traveler really think heâd send the essay he wrote about [Name]? However, Paimon couldnât make it through the title page, and even the Traveler struggled through it. But, it seems to be your favorite essay of his, considering all the notes you made in it, not to mention the noodles you drew when you got bored⊠Wanderer probably scolded you for that but, itâs never in bad faith.]
Tricolor Dango [A plate of dango that [Name] brought for Wanderer as a treat. It seems that they are unaware of his dislike of sweet food⊠But the puppet did not want to hurt their feelings considering the thought and effort they put into his birthday, so he did not decline it.]
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âA Lavish Tea Party.â
Sender: Sandrone
Unbeknownst to me, [Name] recently had a variety of sweets from Fontaine imported. It seemed like they tinkered with my bots once again, to get them on their side so I would remain in the dark⊠they can be such a hassle to deal with sometimes. However, this means that their skills are ever improving, as Iâve been improving my Automatons to be much more complex. As expected of my assistant. Speaking of, theyâve also imported some other things that Iâve been wanting for a while. Hopefully, theyâre up to standard this time, or theyâll have to be returned. Ugh, I hate dealing with the Ninth whenever that happensâŠ
Though back to the subject, it seems that [Name] has once again needlessly gone out of their way, since today is my date of birth. Although I donât like being distracted from my research, and I see no need to waste time just because I happened to be born today, this break that [Name] has prepared for me isnât too bad. I have not attended a proper tea party in far too long. The fools I have for agents can never set it up correctly.
[Name] is not someone who dresses up very often, but they always make the effort to match their attire with mine. Something that other people should learn from, but alas. Though, I wish they did it more often. Not even the most well-crafted doll could match their beauty. Have I told them that? No, they should be smart enough to figure that out by themselves.
Regardless, I must cut this letter short. After this, I want to work on an Automaton with [Name]. I have held off on it because they have expressed interest in it, and since we are together now, it is the perfect time to work on it. I was expecting them to get huffy at me working today, but it seems that they are pleased to work with me. I wonder why.
Attached Photograph:
A picture is included with the letter that has Sandrone and you in it. A wide array of treats and sweets are plated on numerous platters, along with ceramic tea cups waiting to be filled with piping hot tea. The surrounding robots are also fashioned in a similar style as her, perfect attire for the tea party, holding additional trays of desserts. (Can these robots eat too?) Youâre pouring your wife her favorite kind of tea as youâve already set her plate, while she sits patiently with her hands folded. Despite Sandroneâs doll-like features, one can see a small smile on her face.
Attached Items:
Instructions For A Perfect Tea Party [Sandroneâs set of instructions as to how a perfect tea party is conducted. Some of the rules seem nonsensical and impossible to many, which is why no Fatui agent can ever live up to the Harbingerâs expectations, as she will not accept anything less than what she desires. However, you are the only person who has managed to fulfill all the rules to a tee, which is one of the reasons she greatly favors you. Sending this list to the Traveler and Paimon is also her way of saying they are never invited as they will never be able to fulfill the rules in a way that satisfies her⊠how rude!]
Clockwork Toy of Sandrone [A Harbinger toy from Leschots Clockwork Workshop in Fontaine. They seem to have dabbled in making toys of the Harbingers as they said they would, and who better to start with than the machinery genius herself? Of course, Sandrone can point out numerous flaws with the design and components, and probably criticized it heavily to you, but you still seem to love it, because itâs of her! Unfortunately, your wife doesnât like that very much⊠why settle for something inferior when you could have it in much higher quality? So the Harbinger decided to make a toy of herself that lives up to her standard. The Traveler can have the faulty oneâŠ]
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âAnother Year PassesâŠâ
Sender: La Signora
In the past, I used to be quite fond of birthdays. In Mondstadt, I would always celebrate it with him every year. But after he died, birthdays left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I never dared think about doing anything on this day ever again. How could I, when he was no longer by my side? But today is my birthday again, and I find myself happy. Why? Because of [Name], the person who taught me how to love again. Admittedly, I pushed away the idea at first. But after some more reflection, I decided it wouldnât be fair to [Name]. The past is the past, and the present is the present. If [Name] wants to make me feel special on my birthday, then who am I to stop them?
And indeed they did pamper me. They always pamper me but, today it was much more than normal. Breakfast in bed, massages, hair brushing, helping me put on my clothes, opening doors for me, fancy dinner and wine after work. I donât think there was a single moment where they werenât trying to do something for me. It gave me a good chuckle, which made them embarrassed. But truly, it made me happy. I had⊠forgotten what it feels like to be cared for on my birthday. Itâs a foreign feeling but, I hope that the foreignness eventually goes away after some time.
However, I must tell them that thereâs no need to overexert themselves just because it is my birthday. Although I do enjoy the extra treatment, it does neither of us any good for them to fall asleep before the night is even over. But, thatâs okay. There is always next year, yes?
Attached Photograph:
A picture is included with the letter that has Signora and you in it. You are fast asleep on the Fair Ladyâs lap, a peaceful expression on your face. A similar one is on Signoraâs, as there is no one else around, and she can let her guard down around you. There are a few of her flame moths scattered around the room as well, a few on the two of you. As her blonde hair spills onto your face and body, one can only guess what she is thinking.
Attached Items:
Tea Break Pancakes [Despite Signoraâs history with her home nation, itâs said that she still enjoys the cuisine from there. So, you like to cook her food from there whenever you can. It might not be as good as a professionalâs but it provides her a taste of home. A taste of your love, which is her favorite flavor.]
Rose [Itâs no secret that roses are Signoraâs favorite flower. Beautiful yet thorny, alluring yet dangerous. There are many kinds of roses with all sorts of meanings in this world, but you two have been seen exchanging only one kind - a red one. Whatever could it mean?]
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âBirthdaysâŠâ
Sender: Pantalone
When I was a child, birthdays did not mean much to me. After all, how could one focus on their date of birth when it seemed like life was full of nothing but curses and suffering? It was only another day of working to survive. But when I met [Name], they changed that. With them, the day began to have⊠meaning. Purpose. It wasnât anything grand, but they made it special, distracting me from another day of poverty. Even with their meager earnings, they never failed to gift me something, even if it was of little to no value, or not the best quality⊠I cherished it. No one else had ever thought of me so much. When I look back, every time my birthday came around again, my love for them only grew more.
Now that we are adults, my only wish is to repay their kindness and spoil them with as many gifts as they deserve. However, there are a few issues with this. There are times I find myself more disappointed with the world than usual because it has yet to create something that would be a suitable gift that would be on par with my love for my dear [Name]. However, whenever my spouse gifts me something, their thoughtfulness never ceases to amaze me. How is it that they always manage to gift me something wonderful and touching? When I questioned them about this, they raised an eyebrow and gave me a strange look. It seems that I will not learn their secret anytime soon. How unfortunate.
Not to mention, dearest [Name] gets upset when I spend âludicrous amounts of moneyâ (their words) on them, especially on my birthday, so theyâve âforbiddenâ me from doing so today. They are rather persistent on this, and their long lectures and expressions are rather amusing, so Iâll indulge them⊠for now. Do you think they realize Iâll just spend double the amount the next day? Regardless, birthdays are always well spent with [Name], and I plan to enjoy this one fully, just as I have in the past because they are the one who makes my birthday a day worth celebrating.
Attached Photograph:
A picture is included with the letter that has Pantalone and you in it. The two of you are taking a walk in Snezhnaya, browsing stores and the like. Even though it is Pantaloneâs birthday, he seems insistent on trying to buy out a few stores for you once again⊠so in order to prevent him from doing that, youâve hidden yourself in his coat, stopping him from walking properly. The Harbinger seems rather entertained by your antics and your head popping out of his coat⊠he should make you do this more often. Itâs perfect for head pats.
Attached Items:
Pantaloneâs Spare Change [As it is his birthday, Pantalone is feeling more generous than usual, so he is sending a bit of funds to the Traveler. There is no need for any repayment, take it as a symbol of the Fatuiâs goodwill. (However, it would do good to proceed with caution⊠this is the Ninth, after all.) Opening it up, the duo expects to see an average amount of money, but instead are presented with a couple of million Mora⊠if this is what Pantalone is willing to send to the Traveler, how much does he spend on [Name]?! Paimon doesnât want to imagine the number!]
[Name]âs Guide to Gift Giving [A piece written by you to detail how you always choose the best gift for Pantalone, unbeknownst to your husband. Opening it up, the Traveler is very curious as to how you manage to win over the Harbinger every time, a man who has everything he could possibly want at his fingertips. But instead, only one sentence is written on the paper - âI donât know how I do it either.â]
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âAppreciation.â
Sender: Arlecchino
Birthdays were not very much celebrated in the House of Hearth, especially when the former Knave was around. However, that changed when [Name] came along. Years ago, I still remember when they gifted Lynette her first tea cup set. Freminet, a collection of spare parts that he ended up using to make another clockwork toy. And probably the biggest hassle⊠gifting little Lyney a white rabbit. However, I do appreciate my loverâs efforts. The children always look forward to their birthdays much more now, some even going as far as to drop hints about their desired gift and give puppy eyes to [Name] when the time rolls around. I have to remind my children not to get greedy, and to be grateful for what they already haveâŠ
I also remember the first birthday they gifted me something as well. A part of me expected it, considering the way they behaved, but still, it was an⊠unfamiliar feeling, to be gifted something. And, it was also the day little Lyney and Lynette presented their first amateur magic show to me. Of course, they had much to improve on, but looking back it was a suitable birthday gift, considering how much Iâve seen the two grow now. Needless to say, I appreciate [Name] very much, for what they have given me and my children.
My birthday has come once more, and [Name] is celebrating it as they always feel the need to. Really, even if they did nothing, I would still appreciate it, considering all theyâve done. The sweets they gathered this time were exceptional, and we had a lovely chat, before taking a walk through Fontaine. They say that the flowers that grow in the wild are always the prettiest, especially the Rainbow Roses.
Ah, last of all, if you could do me a favor, that would be greatly appreciated. You have been in Fontaine for a while now, yes? It would be a great help to me if you could point me to some good operas. [Name] and I have watched many in Snezhnaya, however, we donât often have the chance to watch any in Fontaine, with our work and all. Thank you. And please, do not bore me or waste my time.
Attached Photograph:
A picture is included with the letter that has Arlecchino and you in it. You two are sitting in a field in Fontaine somewhere, with Rainbow Roses to the side. One of them has been tucked into the Harbingerâs hair, while you seem to be focusing on creating⊠a flower crown? Despite the pinkness of the rose greatly contrasting with Arlecchinoâs whole dark red, black, and white look, she seems to not mind your antics and waits patiently for you to complete your work of art. Of course, as a Fontainian, she knows very well what Rainbow Roses symbolize, and wonât turn down the physical manifestation of your feelings.
Attached Items:
List of Yummy Hidden Gems [A list of great places to buy sweets from in Fontaine, courtesy of [Name], passed on by Arlecchino. Sure, Hotel Debord and Café Lutece do have some excellent sweets, but there are many hidden restaurants and bakeries that provide delicious treats as well! Do stop by and give them a try. Arlecchino favors many of their products. If one needs a similar list for the other nations, do tell.]
Slice of Birthday Cake [An exquisite slice of cake cut from Arlecchinoâs birthday cake. She doesnât care much for the tradition, but [Name] always buys one anyway as an excuse to treat the children from the House to something nice. You know you shouldnât spoil them so much, but you canât help it!]
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âSplash!â
Sender: Tartaglia
Hey comrade! How have you been? Sorry if my handwriting isnât the best. I sparred with [Name] for my birthday, and they really roughed me up. Not that I mind, I asked them to go all out. Normally they donât like fighting with me, because they always insist they donât like hurting me, but they couldnât say no to me today. You know, I would like to see the two of you fight. It would be an exhilarating experience.
But anyway, after they patched me up, we took a dive in Fontaineâs waters! You know, whenever I visit Liyue, we often go to cool off in Yaoguang Shoal, but Fontaineâs oceans are so much different. The scenery, the terrain, the greenery, the wildlife⊠good thing I bought them a waterproof Kamera. Speaking of wildlife, [Name] and I befriended a blubberbeast. [Name] instantly fell in love with the creature, and I feel as though they gave a bit too much attention to it, but, seeing them smile is the best gift I could ever ask for. Maybe I should gift them a plushie of it? However, it is a bit amusing that something that looks as defenseless as that could pack such a punch!
Did you know this, Traveler? Apparently, Romaritime Flowers represent loyalty. [Name] gifted me a bouquet which I was initially confused about since I usually give them flowers instead. But after some quick research, these flowers mean unbreaking oaths. It was a bit ironic really, for I should have gifted them instead as I always swore to be loyal to them, my family, and the Tsaritsa, but it was a wonderful gift. Not to mention the delicious meal they prepared. Theyâve been busy researching the best Fontaine recipes for me, so I could make them for Teucer and the others back home, but maybe I should just drag them to Snezhnaya so they could do it instead⊠I never leave anything but empty plates whenever [Name] cooks for me, but theyâve packaged some for you too, Traveler!
Next time we fight at the Golden House, Iâll bring [Name] along too. Do you think you can hold your own against both of us at the same time?
Attached Photograph:
A picture is included with the letter that has Childe and you in it. You two are under the sea, with a Blubberbeast between the two of you. The creature is nudging you while Childe looks on amused. It seems that itâs been begging for some more attention, food, and head pats. Maybe some tummy rubs too. Apparently, you named it Big Cutie, because well⊠itâs a big cutie! Unfortunately, it seems to have a little bit of a grudge against the Harbinger because he accidentally attacked it.
Attached Items:
[Name]âs Special Macarons [Rainbow Macarons but with a special twist from [Name]. On the top and bottom of the sweet treat are⊠faces? Very detailed ones too, with colored hair and eyes! Ah, the faces are none other than [Name], Childe, Teucer, and all of his other siblings! Oh, and macarons of Traveler and Paimon were made as well, how kind! Childe says theyâre quite delicious, and he is a great cook, so they must be.]
Freshly Caught Fish [Fish caught by Childe. It seems that the two lovers also went fishing after diving a bit, as one knows how much Childe loves to fish. Sadly, your fishing skills still pale in comparison compared to his and you barely caught anything⊠Thatâs alright though! No matter how long it takes, heâll always happily help you hone your skills!]
#genshin impact#genshin impact x reader#genshin x reader#dottore x reader#pantalone x reader#capitano x reader#childe x reader#scaramouche x reader#wanderer x reader#pierro x reader#columbina x reader#arlecchino x reader#sandrone x reader#la signora x reader#il dottore x reader#fatui x reader#fatui harbingers x reader#capitano genshin#genshin dottore#pantalone genshin#divider by cafekitsune#bye its 1 am here and i should probably wait until later to post it but#i dont want to wait...
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