#I've never been to this dentist in my life so idk

[badbatchsprincess]

I'm coming on to rant rn, I literally got tricked into x-rays without the freaking dentist checking if my insurance was valid at their office. I literally handed them the card and they acted all sweet and nice, giving it back to me, took me in the back (I believed my insurance was just fine (I'm also a dependent and thought my plan would work at this office)) took like twenty x-rays then walked my ass back to the front telling me I owed them $400 and my plan wasn't covered.... whaaaaat. I literally don't have money for that rn what the actual fuck. Someone, what the hell do I do??? Am I dumb, or was I just scammed lol. (I'm going to be living off ramen for the next month just to feed my cat)

Also, they were like you also have 7 (almost) cavities, we should fill those before they become a problem... BAM... they want 2k...... for fucking pre-cavities. I'm actually hollering. What is happening rn. I'm too broke for this. So I'm trying to find a new dentist to get s second opinion who hopefully takes my insurance but I'm not gonna lie y'all it's a janky affordable insurance so who fucking knows.

I need a sugar daddy who doesn't need sugar and just wants to help a broke girl out. God if you're listening please send me a rich person with a good heart. good lord.

anyways, I'm going to be working on finishing this chapter to distract myself please send me funny memes or something so I don't collapse lol

Are pay pigs actually real? (That seems like such a mean name to call them.) Not gonna kink shame on my page. But anyways, if someone who is stumbles across this page please help (I'm desperate) And scared my teeth are going to fall out)).

[territorial-utopia]

Huzzah! It's birthday time! I'm slowly accumulating more and more things I like (latest additions this vest I made and a travel typewriter! Still need to fix the latter one though)

Sure has been a year.

[unholyeverything]

I just realised tomorrow marks the 7ths week of me being sick and feeling like garbage lol It's some ups and downs but generally it's been a while since I've been healthy and none knows whats up which is nice.

[alpha-hyaenchen]

[rant]

[diy-fire-water-pups]

Bit of a strange thing to mention but I once read a fanfic about Zuma having a dark past that catches up to him in the future ("future" as in probably a few months after Chase faced his fear w/ the dentist) so it's always a little strange to see how different his life actually was before the Paw Patrol lol. I am thankful that the fanfic isn't anywhere close to the reality, though. I won't say the title cuz it's way too violent for you pups but I have a feeling you guys will ask about it. All I'll say is that it's a tragic story that changes the Paw Patrol's lives for the foreseeable future. The fic isn't finished yet so idk if it'll be a happy ending or not. I am curious to know if the mod knows what fic I'm talking about though...

(( Well, I actually have no idea. The only "ongoing" Paw Patrol fanfic I've read is "The Paw Patrol Family" and it's nothing like that.

The fanfics I've read that go about Zuma having a tragic past were "The Water Pup" and "Fractured", both finished and sequel to each other (and both PRETTY HEAVY on the violence part of the thing, absolutely not for the weak XD). The only other fic I read before too was something about the pups finding one of those "I'll tell you the darkest truths about them!!!" kinda videos on the internet which was talking about them with a bunch of bad stuff, and their reactions to it. That one had a decent ending tho, not really happy (I mean, no one can be happy after you get exposed on things you really didn't need the world to know) but not bad either. Also I read this one when I had just started watching the show, I think I was somewhere around the 3rd season when I did, and that's how I found out about Zuma's speech impediment on the first seasons - because I saw it being talked about in a fanfic. They didn't do that speech impediment thing in the Brazilian dub, I'd never know otherwise.

To be fair, I kinda haven't read fanfics at all because I wanted to create my own take on their stories and I didn't want to end up getting influenced by other AUs or getting accused I copied from someone else (to the point my Zuma doesn't have a tragic backstory at all, it was just a difficult life, but still fun and well loved by his previous owner). Been there, was accused before in other fandoms, it's annoying trying to prove you didn't copy from someone else. ))

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

WEEKLY TAG WEDNESDAY

The self care edition

thank you for tagging me @creepkinginc @jrooc @lingy910y and @energievie

Name: gigi

Age: 24

What kind of day is it? i wish everyone reading this could have sat in my last design presentation this evening. it was such a bizarre combination of frustrating and horrible and absurdly hilarious we were all laughing hysterically once we saw those clients were on the elevator - pouring a big girl glass of wine as i type this

When was the last time you ate? like 10 hours ago, but I never eat lunch and dinner is in the oven at the moment

About how many hours of sleep did you get? 5 💀

Name one thing you could do to make your day better right now: text bomb all my friends in my field about my horrible meeting

Why are you not doing that thing? believe me yall, I am

What are you going to do tonight to relax? hanging out on tumblr right now, after dinner I usually write but im having a little writers block atm, so ill patiently work on my comic project and watch tele until it passes

What comfort food do you not eat often enough? Poke

What’s stopping you? its so far away :'(

Have you ever had a professional massage? no but I've really been thinking about it, but i dont like the dentist or hairdressers so I dont think i would like it, luckily my partner gives very good massages

Have you eaten fruits and vegetables today? you know it! I had lychee and bananas with breakfast and im having a salad with dinner

How much water have you had today? many glasses, im always sippin

Is there a self-care gadget you really want to buy? nothing comes to mind but ill put all of you onto something - buy an ergonomic mouse if you spend a lot of time on the computer, my hand was going numb by the end of thesis and this thing changed my life

this is the one i got, its a little pricey and im sure theres cheaper ones but seriously, changed my life

What is your favourite healthy snack?

stovetop popcorn poped in sesame oil and finished with furikake - thank me later

What is your favourite unhealthy snack? jalapeño chips

What is one thing you are going to start doing RIGHT NOW to take better care of yourself? quit my job and move to another city for my quarter life crisis idk yoga?

And to close, I want you to say one NICE thing to yourself that you really need to hear right now: i absolutely adore you! youre amazing! incredible! keep up the good work! fuck that lady with the ugly hair who shit all over your work *eye twitch*

how do you self care? @sweetbee78 @ian-galagher @mybrainismelted @mmmichyyy @iansw0rld @juliakayyy @howlinchickhowl @bawlbrayker @mickeysgaymom @stocious

[chaosdisorganized]

I haven't made a post on here in while.

I've been improving in some areas and getting worse in others. My system communication has significantly improved, I'm not as dissociated as I once was and I've been recovering some memory of my childhood, we're able to recognize switches more, have identified and named over 100 parts in the system, and better understand our structuring and functioning.

Which is a sign of recovery right! But it sucks. My life fucking sucks and I hate it. It sucks now just not as badly as before. Through system communication, I've also discovered many of my parts don't like me, the host, and me and another alter started a campaign to try to get everyone "on my side" because I'm trying to help us heal and get better but I can't really do that with an incooperative system who doesn't trust me. And then while going through all this inner turmoil and facing my problems instead of dissociating from them all this shit started happening in my life. My ceiling fell, my landlord won't fix it and it's been like a month. It's been a headache trying to deal with her, I've been threatening legal action because mold was found on the ceiling that fell, it's a health hazard and she couldn't give two shits! Fuck her. Then my mom got diagnosed with cancer, that was a hard blow none of my system was prepared for. I would think im coping with it fine only to discover I've just been dissociating and I'm actually not fine or coping with it. Well I guess the dissociation is kinda coping but I'm trying to not rely on dissociation so much anymore. And this of course brought up all this shit about my mom I wasn't prepared to discover or know and it sent me into a deep depression. All this stress has been getting to me and effecting me physically, I have been sick 4 times in the past 2 months, I have an infected tooth I can't afford to fix that keeps getting absessed and idk what to do about it because they can't just keep giving me antibiotics right? There's another absess forming rn and this will be the 4th time this tooth has gotten an absess. I told my partner it will keep coming back if I don't get the tooth removed and I saw a dentist, they want 1,500 fucking dollars. 1500$ I don't have. 1500$ I will never have. Fuck the dentist. Fuck teeth being luxury bones. And fuck my life. I'm like in this weird in between stage where I feel like im getting better and worse at the same time. It's frustrating and I hate it. Ugh.

[honourablefool]

Tw suicidal ideation (dw I'm fine just reflecting)

So mandatory disclaimer that I'm okay, I'm not in crisis, I am not going to kill myself, I have no desire to kill myself. However, this will probably be triggering for anyone who's sensitive about those topics. Putting that out there so yall can take care of yourselves. Now that we've gotten that out of the way.

I think about killing myself most days. It's like that when I'm in crisis, obviously, but it's like that when I'm fine too. Almost anything can set it off - hearing about something death related, not knowing how to handle a mild-to-moderately difficult situation in my life, boredom. Dreading a big presentation. Normal day to day anxieties and conversations.

It's been like this since the idea entered my head when I was like. 8 years old. So the vast majority of my conscious existence, I've been living with these thoughts. I've had near misses, sure, I've... made preparations. Never actually followed through, which the Fucked Up Guy in my head (abstract personification of these urges. Sometimes helps to think about them that way) would call cowardice. Thanks, Fucked Up Guy. Suuuuper helpful. Moving on

It's... just so mundane to me now. On an intellectual level, I'm able to dismiss the Fucked Up Guy and go about my day. Consciously, I have accepted that suicide is not a "solution" I will ever make use of. But the patterns of thought and action I built around the certainty that I was going to commit suicide, and probably soon--patterns I built from a very young age and reinforced for years--still interfere with my thinking and with my life.

I don't make plans more than a year in advance. I didn't expect to survive high school, much less graduate, and now that I'm facing down the last year of my degree I'm astonished to have gotten here. I have to, like... find a place to live. And get a job. And be an actual adult. And some part of me is crying on the ground and throwing a tantrum because, frankly, I wasn't supposed to have to do all that. I was supposed to die before I was ever truly in charge of my life.

There's a term for this feeling, I've recently learned. It's called "sense of foreshortened future." But that doesn't really get across how it feels. It feels like there's this giant void ahead of me, and all sorts of stuff keeps jumping out of it as time goes on, becoming revealed as it gets close enough for me to process that it's real, and I'll actually have to deal with it before I die. Obstacles to dodge, opportunities to grasp at, and every mundane duty I have to myself and the people around me. I didn't schedule a dentist appointment for two years because I didn't think I'd be needing my teeth for very long. I still need to request my mail in ballot for November.

And at the back of my head, the excuse, every time, is "oh I'll probably be dead by the time that's important." And that is Extremely! Not! Helpful! It fucks things up for me, and it fucks things up for people who care about me who end up picking up the slack.

I know I should be proud to have made it this far. Honestly, the most I can muster is surprise. It doesn't feel like an achievement, it still feels like I'm racing against time to juggle all the things the void that is my future throws at me until that void swallows me whole and I don't have to worry about anything anymore. My life is full of stopgap measures I've jury-rigged into continuing to keep me alive for far too long.

And maybe that's the rest of my life. Maybe, between the circumstances I was born into and the choices I made, I will have to continually dismiss the Fucked Up Guy, regardless of whatever else I do. Maybe the void ahead is one I have to keep exploring, despite my inability to look ahead. I still think my life can be worth living. I still want my life.

I think that's the most terrifying part. To want to live, even though my first impulse to solve any situation is to Stop Living. Idk. I don't have a solution. I just want a life, and this is the only one I'm guaranteed to get, so I'm gonna do my best with it. I can't see a way out, so I'll live through for however long I can. White-knuckling all the way, maybe. Fuck it. We ball.

[housepixie]

i just ordered a wedding dress before i have even proposed and while i don't often make my own posts (though i would like to change that and i guess i am doing that now) i just needed to say i just really needed to say i honestly just needed to say: what a weird experience. heart in throat the entire time. pure white noise in my head. what on Earth. never thought life would look like this /pos. borders are so absolutely nonsense and it's ridiculous that i have to get Married to simply be with the love of my life but also ??? i am experiencing so much excitement all around ??? about everything ??? that's the most confusing part that this isn't just some annoyance to be dealt with in order to make things happen like it turns out i've been socialized and that the simple idea that i'm going to marry the love of my life makes my heart go all aflutter. anyway it's from the 1950s it needs like 3 repairs it cost under a hundred dollars it's so perfect that i cried let us all pray it mostly fits and just needs a tailoring.

also i have watched through season 4 episode 12 of the sopranos in the past 5 days and when i get to the end this time i'm actually going to watch the finale because no i have never done that for the sake of the bit but now i am sick of the bit and would like to know how the fucking sopranos ends. also i went to the dentist today for the first time in 9 years (it went honestly went pretty good although they did not use a numbing agent for my very intensive cleaning and now everything hurts so much. still i was expecting so much worse and for now i need a root scaling and planing next month for the barnacles under my teef -- which sounds youchy but far less youchy than, say, losing teeth or a root canal !! -- and perhaps a few fillings in the future but that's many months from now's problem). also today my cat who is mostly the meanest (my sweet sweet awful angel baby) snuggled me idk life is weird

[yorshie]

Hi Yorshie!

(Edit from the future. I'm sorry this is so long)

I'm the same annon who mentioned the Leo and Hawkeye comparison, and I actually really liked and agree with your opinions! I didn't know how to articulate them before, and it's actually been a long minute since I've seen any MASH, but I really loved your analysis of the characters! I absolutely agree 100% that the similarities are on the surface, but once you get down into the meat of their personalities and how they handle conflict (past their masks), they really are very different. I think I initially considered the two very, very, very similar because I have been considering some of the Fandoms more angsty aus of Leo instead of the original version from the cartoon. Either way, thank you so much for writing a whole character analysis just for little o'l me! *happy spin*

I still like the characters and their similarities a lot, and I wonder how they would bounce off each other if they ever did meet? I don't know when or how that would happen, but would they be friends? would their competitive nature's create conflict? friends to enemies over the course of the war? could they even become enemies when all they want is for the fighting to. just. stop?! would they initially bond of their similar mask styles and then later grow resentful when Leo would inevitably rise *giggles* up to the challenge? hmm. I also think there would be a ton of comedy potential in a character pairing like that if you also consider their age gap. Would Pierce find Leo's teen antics amusing and remind him of himself when he was a teen, or would they constantly be at odds because Leo has No Respect for authority?

My parents would leave M*A*S*H on the TV when I was a kid, so I remember seeing the characters all the time, which is how I know anything about it at all. A couple of years ago, I sat down to watch it from the beginning and in order. While I enjoyed it, I got distracted in the middle and never picked it back up, so I wouldn't really be able to call myself much of a fan, I guess. That being said, my favorite character from M*A*S*H has always been B.J. Honeycut! I was a prankster when I was a kid, and I loved that even though he was an adult, B.J. also liked to clown around and be silly. He also really loves his wife and child, and he actively misses them all the time.

(also gives Henry Blake and Trapper John the grinchiest side-eye I can muster)

I'm thrilled you got to see the movie and that you enjoyed it! I love the Rise movie so much that when I had to get my first root canal, I picked it to watch during my appointment to help keep me calm (I had already seen it 5 or 6 times lmaooo) and I actually giggled several times while the dentists were hollowing out my molar (my husband, there for emotional support, couldn't believe it 😅🤣)

Thank you again for sharing your art, time, and energy with us! (Continue to hydrate friend! Many hugs)

Hello Nonnie! Thank you for coming by again! Absolutely don't worry about the length of the ask lol it's all good.

(Side bar before I get into the Leo and Hawkeye talk, at least Trapper had an agreement with his wife. Idk if that agreement included she could do as she pleased while he was away at the war, but he was at least up front about his infidelities.)

I think if Hawkeye and Rise Leonardo were ever to meet, it would be an explosion of many different things at once. First and foremost being, I think it would break Hawkeye a little bit. Let's not forget that Leo would be sixteen at the time of the movie (if that's when they would meet) and I imagine Hawkeye would 1. be insanely angry a kid was risking his life, followed by 2. insanely angry to hear that this kid blames himself for everything bad happening. I think it would be a complete 180 if Hawkeye met Leo when he was older, maybe further into the war, because as much as a wonderful character Hawkeye is I don't think he could be in the same room with the man that "started the war" without busting a vein to is heart and dying on the spot or having a complete mental break. (i know you say you haven't watched the show a lot so I won't spoil specific things but Hawkeye's state of mind is a reoccurring factor)

I think they'd get along personality wise if Hawkeye never found out Leo was "responsible" for the war. And since Hawkeye has no respect for authority himself, I don't think Leo having none would bother him at all. Probably hijinks would ensue though lol, i mean it is Rise after all.

BJ is by far one of the best characters in M*A*S*H. I think my favorite episode with him (that's not heavy) is Dear Siegfried, and I'd recommend it if you haven't seen it yet. The best part about M*A*S*H is how real each character feels, how they each have their own goals and flaws.

Included some M*A*S*H gifs for you hehe

[mintymayo]

my life is so cringe rn. i had like 4 seizures after starting lamotrigine for bipolar. which is also an anti seizure medicine. and is just straight not supposed to do that. it should not cause seizures. but i would have them right before i was supposed to take the lamotrigine, and correlated with dose changes/timing. but it was working so well i felt so good!! i didn't want to stop

so i went to the neurologist and he was like "u probs have an underlying seizure disorder. try taking it around the clock instead of just in the morning" and so i do that. and i have 2 more seizures.

and so i go back recently and showed him a video of me having one hes just like "yeah thats a really bad seizure. definitely not to be taken lightly. i have never seen anyone react like this to an anti seizure medicine before. we already did multiple eegs and other stuff, u gotta go to the epilipilogist" (specific epilepsy doc idk how to spell it). so i guess thats where im going next. all the way in may.

ill just stay on keppra. the worst medicine ever that makes me more depressed than when i started and destroys my appetite. while weaning off the medicine that made me feel really great and motivated. in my first semester of college where im already struggling with an accelerated class that has a final in literally 2 days.

this is so cringe tbh.

side note: ambulatory eegs are SO ASS they put glue on your fucking head in ur hair and then don't even remove it all and im STILL finding tiny glue pieces in my hair. it's been like 2 weeks dude stop.

side note 2: there's so much medical shit i hate doctors. my mom got permanently ill, lost her job, our house (main breadwinner) and has energy, confusion and speaking problems after taking something that will not be named for legal reasons. NOBODY believed her ever so she has just slowly recovered some over time (enough to work again and stuff) but without any help from doctors.

i can't even get a fucking root canal done correctly.

which is obvs nothing compared to that but still. i specifically say "hey, my mom had really deep really complicated roots. please make sure to be really thorough." and they were like "sure"! anyway i didn't get a crown put on immediately because i had a gut feeling they fucked it up. guess who can still feel in that tooth. it doesn't hurt much but still. i even told the dentist and he was like "well theres no pain. we classify this as a successful root canal :)" like dude.

AND THEN I've had so much shit going on w the seizures that i haven't been to the dentist and now the tooth about the root canal one is getting a cavity probably bc the sharp edges of the root canal tooth is right below it piercing it. luckily it doesn't hurt (no idea why) but like oh my godd

[athene-studies]

k havin some trouble keeping out of The Ennui this past while and i realized i had 7 core values listed on my blog (listed on the little explore thing on my desktop theme as "live life on purpose • step off the path of least resistance • take care of myself • contribute to the community • get things done • always learn • appreciate beauty") sooo score thats a weekly challenge right there.

im just gonna start tomorrow (its the night of the 5th as i post this) since im lucky and my week isnt bounded by things like "weekdays". lets do them in order!

6. Tue - live life on purpose: to keep myself mindful I'm going to write down what I've done after every half hour of my day, plus im gonna plan out a couple things at certain points of the day and attempt to stick to those plans 7. Wed - dont get dragged back into my comfort zone: i do have a dentist appointment that day, but im going to also go to the library while im out, which ive been trying to do for a while but just never felt right. im going to wear a cute but maybe a bit weird outfit, and whenever i have an urge to do something (i should go read, i should cut up and eat an apple), im going to do it instead of succumbing to the Nah. ...also this isnt relevant to the daily challenge but i do need to pick up a prescription so im going to try to remember that 8. Thur - take care of myself: im going to try to do all of my self-care habits ive set up. most of them i do once in a while, but i havent managed to do all of them at once in a few weeks. so that means doing my workout, brushing my teeth, turning my phone off at 1 and reading instead for bedtime, making sure my laundry is put away... etc. this one's only a small part of the day but i guess that means its a good chance to rest lol 9. Fri - help others: its a terrible time of year to do things like volunteering, plus short notice, so im going to focus on chores around the house and donations and home political action, that sort of thing. maybe text my siblings to find out how theyre doing. 10. Sat - get shit done: i mean what else is there to say. at the beginning of my day im going to write down a list of things to get done (attempting to include things that are low on my priority list so just keep repeatedly getting pushed back, like calling my grandpa and working on a video edit) and see how much of it i can do. the slogan for the day is gonna be "if i think to myself 'yknow i could go do this thing' i fucking will" 11. Sun - learn: hopefully the rest of the week will have caught me up on my accounting course, but if not, id like to do that. after that, though, id like to set aside some time to read articles on things i care about but dont know much about, and do a lesson or two of language learning or coding or something. learning at my own pace isnt going very well so far considering "my own pace" is ✨stagnancy✨ 12. Mon - appreciate the world: not much else to note other than looking around myself more often. im pretty good at this one already. lets use it to mean "do hobbies"-- take an hour to do some writing, take an hour to do some music, drink a tea ive been keeping aside for a special occasion, idk

and i will let you know how that goes :)

[weabooweedwitch]

I say this as someone who's followed you for years and with as much kindness as possible:

Get the fuck away from your mother. Ditch her fuckin ass. She's repeatedly making things worse and refuses to learn. You need to get away from her, for your own good.

I know I might be repeating what other people have said, or even what you have thought of doing, but holy shit this bitch is actively ruining your life through sheer stupidity.

I hope things get better

I feel bad that people have to keep giving me this kind of advice because I realize it's the most obvious answer, and there are multiple reasons separating from my mother would be good for us both. I feel bad that i keep sharing all these worrying stories and worrying people and then at the end of the day, I'm way too scared to actually try and fix things. I just worry so much about not being able to take care of myself, not being able to drive, what if I go somewhere and it's harder if not impossible for me to get to work, just. I worry about everything. Honestly the thing that worries me the most is keeping my job or not being able to transfer if I went somewhere else. My wage is currently $19 an hour, my 58 yo mom was making $22, so like, I'm helping hold it all together with rent BECAUSE of that income. I'm so scared of losing that.

I've had people ask if there's any family I can go to and the only possible option would be maybe my father who is in another state, I cannot remember if it is in Illinois or Missouri (ugh, they may have passed recreational weed but thats the only good thing thats came outta thar state in like the last 2 decades). And I don't know if that would be good either. But it's an option I'm beginning to consider. But I am sort of still in the reconnecting process with my dad and we've butted heads a few times and he also has his own physical and emotional issues. Actually I think he is where I inherited a lot of mental illness from because he also has an anxiety disorder and we are almost positive he has equinus like me. He also has developed type 2 diabetes and I am really bad with sugar impulse control, what if I hurt my dad because I can't stop bringing sweets into the house and he eats them too 🥺

It just. Personally makes me hate myself to even think of "hiya pops, we've barely spoken in the last 10 years, I've been really ahitty about talking to you consistently since we've said hi again and lost my temper with you a few times, hey I know you're on a fixed income and out of a job right now (or was, maybe he has one now, we've spoken so little idk) but is it OK if I come live in your house as a whiny codependent barely functioning weed addict of an adult?" 😅

But yeah I just. This is really. It just never ends. I keep fighting myself and beating myself up on "who's right, am I right, am I wrong, am I overreacting, whats going on, what do I do, someone tell me what to do because I'm too stupid to do things right" and it's just. I also still love my mother even if that love is being increasingly mixed with resentment. I worry about her ability to take care of herself because her health is getting worse and, like, I worry about her mentally a lot. Like this tooth infection she has, is because she doesn't have the best dental hygiene, and had fillings and such, and even after needing fillings still takes shit care of her teeth, and was putting off getting like broken teeth and such taken care of, and, they're now having to pull SEVEN of her back teeth. She'll need dentures to eat certain foods now. And I'm not better, I basically stopped brushing my teeth for many years because I literally expected to be dead before they rotted out of my mouth and now I'm scrambling to adopt that routine again, and also like.

Sorry but my mom and a dentist literally lied to me when i was a little girl and said i had several cavities because they thought i would be scared into brushing my teeth and all that did was convince me everything was pointless and needed to give up since it was already damaged, and she refuses to apologize or even acknowledge how that literally helped me develop a complex and felt helpless when SHE LIED TO ME, A CHILD, HER CHILD (and also i think my difficulty keeping routines is a combination just needing to apply myself and having adhd issue because like, I've been pretty good with my skincare at least)

I just. I love her but I hate her. If I'm not careful to keep myself calm I'm going to escalate to the physical level. And to be honest I've had the opinion for many years that, all those times my mom told extremely age inappropriate stories to little tiny baby Miranda about her experiences with assault and domestic violence, even as a kid I would think, "well you like don't listen, you shut people down, you insist youre always right, I want to hit you all the time too, maybe it wasn't them but maybe you got yourself hit by constantly pushing everyone around you to their breaking point" like clearly that's not a healthy thought to have and I. I am kind of convinced at this point that almost every single bad thing that had ever happened to this woman was her own fault in some way shape or form. But you could also say that about me

What's scary is that I can't even think of going anywhere without having savings first and I'm constantly being pushed to my limits to the point I don't HAVE any savings, it's all getting sucked up. I dunno how else I can get out of this pit and I'm just, mentally worn down from any entire life of this. I feel useless and exploited at home and then I go to work and feel useless and exploited at work and by society. Like. Life feels so bleak. My Canadian friend is getting in worse health. I still have a lot of affection for him but he's also uh done and said a few things I really disagree with on personal levels and it, gives me some pause, like. I genuinely am so sad all the time. I need to go back to the psychiatrist to get some medicines again but, I am working and making enough money that after my state insurance expires in October, I'll have to go through my work, and that doesn't 100% cover everything so, j wouldn't be able to afford anything at that point

Just. Ugh. I try to write down my thoughts and listen to music and try to write on my other blog to cheer myself up but I just. What can you do right. What am I good for. What is anyone good for. What is this world itself good for. Our entire species is gonna go extinct with climate change anyways. Why should I keep struggling and suffering like this when it's. Idk. Arguably all for nothing. We'll all be nothing more than just dogs following commands and paying bills until we die

[catinfroghat]

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow which is fine whatever he mostly just looks in my mouth and sometimes does x-rays to check my wisdom teeth so that's not even the reason I hate it so bad

The reason it's horrible is because he always puts his fingers or some tools in my mouth and then asks questions about my life and how I am and obviously I can't reply and I can't shake or nod my head either so I just have to make a weird gurgling sound

Like every time every time he does this I'm wondering what he expects idk maybe it's just something dentists do to calm people down but it doesn't calm me down at all it makes me feel awkward

Also he has a where's wally (the UK version of waldo) poster on the ceiling to look at whilst you're in the chair and all the years I've been going there I've never found him and it pisses me off so bad where the fuck is he the smug shit

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

got music tagged again, this time by @summerwoodsmoke! i've done this before but there have been new additions to my playlist since then, and so i will do it again and this time include some fun facts :D

rules: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. put your playlist on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, and then tag 10 people. no skipping!

Walk Like An Egyptian - The Bangles. This is here because it was one of the songs my dad downloaded to my Very First MP3 Player when i was 8, alongside lots of primary songs and SPAM by Save Ferris, and so it holds fond memories for me :)

Rainbow - Kesha. My fun fact about this song is that i cry every time i sing it but i also feel the need to sing it every time i cry. it's a good song

Pay No Mind - Madeon ft. Passion Pit. First heard in this video which i adore and it's also on one of the official store radio stations at work lol. always makes me happy when it pops up

A Better Version - Jessie Shelton, 36 Questions. I heard this song independent from its source musical and thought it was a self-contained story and also thought it was about lesbians. have never been so disappointed to learn about the involvement of jonathan groff in something i like. like why did he do that to me personally. its now been over a year and ive yet to listen to anything else from this musical. still adore the song to death though

Dental Care - Owl City. I did the math and if adama young truly had been to the dentist a thousand times as he says at the time this song was written, he would have had to go to the dentist almost every single week for his entire life. which i doubt

Bedroom Eyes - The Knocks ft. Studio Killers. fun fact is idk who the knocks are but i like em and i like studio killers and i keep mistyping them as the kocks

The Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin. Another nostalgia hit that also just bangs forever. Breaking Benjamin was the definitive band for good songs about the edgy hybrid supersoldier meow meow oc i had with my friends in c. 2013-2017 and with whom we are all to this day just a little obsessed

Nenya - Celestial Aeon Project. this is probably the main source of the 'ethereal' in my ethereal angst gender

Aisling Song - Christen Mooney, The Secret of Kells. i saw the book of kells in person in 2019 and the exhibit also had the poem from which the movie takes the name Pangur-Ban for the cat and it freaking rules

Eclipse - Vivian Roost. Got this song from one of spotify's pride month playlists lol. queer composers ftw. it's rad

and that's all! idk if there were any repeats from last time but uhhhh yeah. who we gonna tag! idk if i will repeat here too lol but we'll see top ten in my activity @obesecamels @keepsbeeeees @just-a-toad @usernamesaresohardimconflicted @justthatspiffy @calciferscurse @crooked-mantis @evenshadowshavestories @roquereptil @herb-princess

go forth and musicy!

[chaosdisorganized]

Come back to work after having a bad week and end up having a shitty shift, tomorrow probably won't be much better either. I'm tired. I'm so so tired. I've been running around for 9.5 hours straight and still have 2.5 hours to go.

Im going crazy. Idk if I can handle this for much longer. My mom called me yesterday to do her play pretend, be my best friend bullshit and to guilt me because I won't talk to my half sister who I don't know and never met in my life. It kills me when she does that, pretends like she cares, haven't heard from her in months and all of the sudden she's asking me about my health?? Like when I was a minor I'd rarely see a doctor, she wouldn't take me to my cardiology appointments, dentist, nothing and now she's like "how's your heart have you seen a cardiologist?" Like no I haven't, I was suppose to see them 6 years ago too, what happened then? Nothing. So over it.