#I've learned a lot from truly going with the flow

[myflagmeansace]

you know what I appreciate about the ofmd fandom? there's space for people to be analytical and critical of the story AND there's space for people to just embrace the chaos of it all

[changbeansss]

Sketches of love

Pairing: Artist!Hyunjin x reader

Genre : strangers to lovers, fluff

Warnings: None

You'd always been skeptical about meeting new people, especially those who seemed to have a mysterious aura around them. Moving to a new city for your job, you were excited but also wary of the unknown. Your life had a comfortable routine, and you weren't looking to disrupt it. That is, until you met Hyunjin.

Your first encounter with Hyunjin was at a quaint little café near your apartment. It was your favorite spot, a quiet refuge from the bustling city. You were sipping your coffee and reading a book when someone sat down at the table next to yours. Glancing up, you saw a tall, handsome man with striking features and an air of quiet confidence. He caught your eye and smiled, a small, polite smile that you returned before quickly looking away.

Over the next few weeks, you noticed him more frequently at the café. Sometimes he was alone, sometimes he was with friends. He always had a sketchbook with him, and you often saw him lost in thought, pencil moving gracefully across the paper. You were curious but hesitant to approach him. However, fate had other plans.

One rainy afternoon, you were caught in a sudden downpour on your way to the café. Drenched and frustrated, you entered the warm, inviting space, only to find it unusually crowded. The only available seat was at Hyunjin's table. He looked up as you approached, and without hesitation, he offered you the seat with a warm smile.

"Looks like we're both here to escape the rain," he said, his voice smooth and pleasant.

You nodded, grateful for his kindness. "Thank you. It’s really coming down out there."

As you settled in, an easy conversation began to flow between you two. You learned that Hyunjin was an artist, passionate about capturing the beauty of the world in his sketches. He spoke about his work with such enthusiasm that you couldn't help but be drawn in. The more you talked, the more you realized how much you enjoyed his company.

Days turned into weeks, and your casual café meetings became a regular occurrence. Hyunjin started to share more about himself, his dreams, and his inspirations. He listened intently whenever you talked about your own life, offering insights and encouragement that made you feel truly understood. You found yourself looking forward to seeing him, your heart fluttering with anticipation every time you walked into the café.

One evening, as the sun set and cast a golden glow over the city, Hyunjin asked if you wanted to take a walk with him. You agreed, and together you wandered through the streets, talking about everything and nothing. He took you to a nearby park, where you both sat on a bench, watching the world go by.

"There's something I've been wanting to show you," he said, reaching into his bag and pulling out his sketchbook. He flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for. It was a sketch of you, sitting at the café, lost in your book. The details were so precise, capturing not just your likeness but also the serene expression you often wore.

You were stunned. "Hyunjin, this is beautiful. I can't believe you drew me."

He smiled, a hint of shyness in his eyes. "I wanted to capture the moment I first saw you. There's something about you that inspires me."

Your heart swelled with emotion. No one had ever made you feel so special, so seen. "Thank you, Hyunjin. This means a lot to me."

As the days passed, your bond with Hyunjin deepened. You spent more time together, exploring the city, sharing your dreams and fears. He became your confidant, your source of joy, and you found yourself falling for him more with each passing day. His kindness, his talent, and his unwavering support made you realize how much he meant to you.

One evening, as you sat together on a rooftop, watching the stars, Hyunjin turned to you, his eyes filled with a mix of vulnerability and determination. "There's something I need to tell you," he said softly.

You felt your heart race. "What is it?"

"I've fallen in love with you," he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper. "I've felt this way for a while now, and I can't keep it to myself any longer."

Tears filled your eyes as you reached out to touch his hand. "Hyunjin, I love you too," you said, your voice trembling with emotion. "I've been falling for you since the day we met."

He pulled you into his arms, holding you close as you both let the weight of your feelings wash over you. In that moment, surrounded by the beauty of the night sky, you knew that you had found something truly special. With Hyunjin by your side, you felt ready to embrace whatever the future held, knowing that your love would guide you through it all.

[eyesofshan-if]

what are your favourite IFs and ROs?

oooh... juicy 🧃to be honest, i haven't had much time to read other ifs, so i don't know that many of them! but here are the few that i'm actively follow and obsess over (and look up to as literary masters because gosh)

infamous by /infamous-if. literally everyone and their mother knows this if and what can i say 🥲 i'm one of the many sheeple too. i'm so obsessed?? with the way amy writes messy relationships and people because i could never make them feel natural. like i try and it just reads like two toddlers squabbling in a parking lot. somehow she manages to make writing a fictional song in a fictional music competition fun. the ros feel like living breathing people. it's amazing to read and to learn from. but yeah august, seven and orion all have a vice grip on my heart

/merrycrisis-if and /collegetennisoriginstory!! i'm head over heels for three out of the four ros in the tennis game. allie's diction is so good and flows so well it intimidates me. like where is this vocabulary coming from. the words are so light?? and there's an upbeat feel to each sentence and the pace feels like skipping home after a long day ends. how is there humour that is actually funny in every sentence. why am i already in love with the ros even though i've only spent one scene with them. truly the slice of life god. she's making me want to go to university but i am already!! in university!! and disclaimer its nowhere near as fun 🥲!!!! i use her work as a writing study for my own 😭 g, rayyan and SAMMMMMM!!!!! gods i want to hold them in my hands and go 💋💋💋💋💋

other ifs i follow are ATOC (it got me into the if community and xelef? mwah mwah), golden rose, fallen hero (ortega my love), the exile and when twilight strikes. but it's been a while since i've read them so my memory might be a little rusty. still, they're all wonderful books and i check up on them from time to time :))

if you have any recommendations though, i'm all for suggestions!!

[virgoilluminati]

A Match Made in England

Episode 1: Just two kids from england; the ups and downs of football...

A/N: This got put as mature (i have no idea why hahah) so I've re-uploaded it to make sure it's appropriate.

Series Masterlist | Next part

Episode 1

Settling into the inviting cushions, you became a tableau of spring comfort. The distant hum of a camera being activated blended seamlessly with the rustling leaves outdoors. Levi, the seasoned producer with a knack for drawing out personal narratives, sat across from you. His demeanor was calm yet engaging, a reassuring presence amid the studio's buzzing equipment.

"Okay, where to begin..." you mused aloud.

Levi nodded thoughtfully. "What about signing for England?"

The scene transitions to a bustling pressroom years earlier, where a 17-year-old you, with long, flowing hair cascading down your back, sat nervously next to Sarina Weigman after being signed to the England national team.

Reporters leaned forward eagerly, their cameras clicking and pens poised.

One interviewer asked, "Y/N, you're the youngest Lioness to join the senior team. Do you feel the weight of expectations?"

With a shy smile, your long hair framing your face, you responded, "Honestly, it's an honor to be here. I'm just going to give my best and learn from these incredible players and coaches."

Another reporter chimed in, "Y/N, what do you think you bring to the team at such a young age?"

You took a moment, glancing at Sarina for reassurance. "I think I bring a fresh perspective and a lot of energy. I know I have a lot to learn, but I'm eager to soak up as much as I can from my teammates and coaches. Being young means I have time to grow and improve."

The flashback showed you nervously twiddling your fingers as more questions came your way.

"Do you feel any pressure considering your brother's legacy in football?" one reporter asked, the question hanging heavily in the air.

Your smile faltered for a brief second before you composed yourself. "Of course, there's always pressure when you're following in the footsteps of someone successful. But I'm here to make my own mark and contribute to the team in my own way."

Cutting to a childhood flashback, you and your older brother Noah were seen playing football in the backyard, his encouraging voice guiding your early steps in the sport.

Back in the present, you ran your fingers through your now slightly shorter hair, reflecting on that moment with Levi."

"I probably would've lied back then and said I had nothing to prove. At the time, I truly hated people who asked me about my age," you laughed. "I hated people knowing I was so much younger than everyone else, you know. I guess I felt belittled and also very undermined."

Levi looked intrigued. "How come?"

You sighed, thinking back. "I don't know, when I look back on it now, l'm like damn, you know. I was just a kid. The amount of pressure I was under—"

The little screen continued to display snippets of that press conference, overlaying the commentary, "Y/N Morrison, only 17 when she first started playing for England. Now, at 19, she stands as the youngest player in the senior squad."

Levi leaned forward with genuine curiosity. "Can you tell us more about Noah? How did he influence your journey in football?"

Another childhood flashback played out, this time of you and Noah practicing together, his supportive presence shaping your early skills and love for the game.

Levi continued, his voice gentle and probing. "Do you think some of that pressure came from your brother and the legacy he left behind?"

An awkward pause hung in the air before you let out a light laugh, breaking the tension. "Uh, yeah. Haha- I don't think being the sister of an already well-known Morrison did me any favors, no."

As the crew members bustled around, adjusting cameras and discussing logistics for the next segment, you took a moment to collect yourself, reflecting on the profound journey you had just shared and preparing to continue with the interview.

The screen seamlessly transitioned into a poignant montage. One particular video clip unveiled a pivotal moment in your shared narrative. It was a chilly evening at a local pitch, where a younger you, barely a teenager, kicked the ball around with a sense of determination mirrored in Noah's watchful gaze. This seemingly ordinary moment turned out to be a precursor to the journey that awaited you.

The video shifted to a rainy afternoon at a school tournament, where Noah, now a mentor as well as a brother, stood on the sidelines cheering your every move.

The camera caught a glimpse of Noah sharing insights and encouragement, laving the foundation for a dvnamic that encouragement, laying the foundation for a dynamic that extended beyond sibling ties.

As the montage continued, it unfolded a series of snapshots: Noah consoling you after a tough loss, the two celebrating victories with infectious joy, and the subtle exchange of nods and smiles that spoke of an unspoken understanding. Your story went beyond the spotlight, a tale of shared passion, shared defeats, and the unwavering support that siblings uniquely understand. Y/N Morrison, shaped by the echoes of Noah's footsteps, began to carve her own narrative in the beautiful game.

The scenes shifted to a day of reckoning, the moment you received your call-up to the national team. Noah, now a seasoned player, embraced you in a tight hug, the pride in his eyes telling a story of shared dreams realized. And then, the turning point. Y/N Morrison, amidst her brother's legacy, emerged as a rising star in her own right. The torch passed not just through genes but through a bond forged on countless pitches, a bond that shaped you into the player you are today.

In a touching moment, the montage included a clip where, as soon as a match ended, Noah handed his sweat-soaked shirt to you—a symbolic gesture of support and shared triumphs.

As the montage concluded, the screen faded back to the interview room, where your reflective gaze spoke volumes.

Levi, now deeply moved by the narrative that had unfolded, adjusted his notes and looked at you with a newfound respect for your journey.

The interviewer, acknowledging the depth of your shared journey, posed one final question.

Interviewer: "Looking back now, how do you see your role within the legacy you and Noah have created in the football world?"

You, with a thoughtful smile: "I see it as a story still unfolding. Noah laid the foundation, and now I'm building upon it. lum-"

Levi nodded approvingly, allowing the weight of your words to resonate in the room. However, the interview had ventured into personal territory, and you couldn't shake off the vulnerability that surfaced with the last question.

Emily, noticing your unease, interjected gently, "Why don't we take five, everyone? Y/N, take your time. We can continue whenever you're ready."

You nodded gratefully, feeling a mix of emotions after reliving such intimate moments of your journey.

You walked off the set, feeling a whirlwind of emotions after the intense interview. Emily followed closely behind, her pace matching your thoughtful stride.

"Did I do okay?" You asked with a hint of uncertainty. "I stumbled at the end—"

"You did great, Y/N! Don't worry," Emily reassured her with a warm smile. "These guys can be quite intense, don't worry I'm sure Jude is in Madrid right now, getting the same level of interrogation. Why don't you wait here—" She gestured towards the makeshift living room that had been set up in one of the spare rooms. "I'll call you back in ten?"

You nodded gratefully, finding comfort in Emily's words. You entered the cozy room, furnished with plush cushions and soft lighting, and sat down on the comfortable sofa. The room exuded a sense of calm, a stark contrast to the a stark contrast to the bustling energy of the studio outside.

As you waited, you pulled out your phone and began scrolling through messages. Moments later, a text from Jude popped up.

Jude: Hey there, dove! How's the hot seat treating you?

You grinned at his message, appreciating his attempt to lighten the mood.

Y/N: Surviving so far! They didn't ask me about my secret dance moves yet.

Jude: Phew, dodged one there! Remember, if all else fails, just dazzle them with your best dance move.

You chuckled softly, enjoying your playful banter despite the distance between them. You felt a surge of warmth and affection for Jude, grateful for his ability to make you smile even in challenging moments.

Your messages continued, Jude teasing you about his own interviews and you responding with playful comebacks.

Jude: Hey, have you thought any more about Madrid?

You hesitated, your heart sinking as you read his message.

You took a deep breath before responding.

Y/N: Jude, please. I can't have this conversation again.

Jude: It's been six months, Y/N. First it was the press mania, then it was your sister's baby, now it's this TV show. When are we going to talk about it?

Your fingers hovered over the screen, conflicted emotions swirling inside you.

Y/N: My answer hasn't changed, Jude. I love you, but I love my life here too. Things are finally starting to settle down, and—

Jude: No, they're not. You're lethargic, you're sitting out almost every game now, you're always not sleeping-

Your heart raced, tears welling up in your eyes. You couldn't bear to have this argument again.

Y/N: I've been helping my sister, Jude.

Jude: But it's not just that, is it? Your barely eating, your constantly distracting yourself with work. You need to take a break.

You felt a pang of guilt. You knew Jude was right, but you weren't ready to face that reality.

Y/N: Jude, I can't have this row again.

Jude: Y/N, I'm trying to be there for you, but you won't let me in!

You closed her eyes, tears streaming down your cheeks as she struggled to find the right words. Your eyes scroll along judes words once more, lethagic, trouble sleeping, weak fitness, trouble eating...

He was right of course. Ever since the end of the world cup, you had become incredibly tired, with limited energy for the basics of tasks. You had made excuses that it was the press interviews, the constant ware and tare of family life and fame, or even sometimes just thinking you weren't getting enough hours. Deep down, you knew it was something more.

As much as you would regret it, there was a part of you that wished it was a ACL injury, something that yes would take time to heal, but could be cured. Atleast you'd know what was wrong with you. Instead whatever kept you up at night, made it difficult to keep down food and made it impossible to stay on top in football games, was tearing both you and your relationship with Jude apart

Setting your phone down on the sofa, you walked over to the kitchenette area to pour herself a glass of water. As you stood there, contemplating your next move, you felt a sudden pang in her abdomen—a sharp cramp that caught you off guard.

You winced, clutching your stomach as you leaned against the counter. It wasn't the first time you'd felt this way lately, but it was a stark reminder of your ongoing health struggles.

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, you returned to the sofa and picked up your phone. With a determined expression, she typed out a message to Jude.

Y/N: Good luck with your match tonight. See you monday

Jude sat in a cozy room tucked away within the Real Madrid training grounds, the distant echoes of his teammates preparing for their final training session before the upcoming match seeping through the slightly ajar door. His phone buzzed incessantly with messages from you. With a faint sigh, he retrieved it from his pocket and read your latest text:

"Good luck with your match tonight. See you Monday x." His jaw tightened in frustration; you had once again changed the subject, avoiding the difficult conversation he knew you were reluctant to have.

"Jude, you still with us?" Romeo's voice cut through his reverie. Jude blinked, refocusing on the Spanish producer seated across from him. "Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry about that." He slipped his phone back into his pocket, mentally shifting gears to engage in the interview.

Romeo chuckled knowingly. "No worries. Let's continue.

Your journey in football-from your early days in Birmingham to now playing for Real Madrid-has been remarkable. How do you reflect on your career so far?"Jude nodded thoughtfully, a flicker of nostalgia in his eyes.

"It's been a whirlwind, mate. Starting out at Birmingham City as a young lad, then moving to Dortmund, and finally landing here at Madrid-it's been nothing short of a dream come true. Each step has taught me invaluable lessons, both on and off the pitch."

Leaning forward with interest, Romeo probed further."You've undoubtedly faced numerous challenges along the way. What would you consider the biggest challenge of your career?"

Jude grinned wryly, his mind drifting momentarily to thoughts of you. "Well, besides dodging defenders on the pitch, adapting to different leagues and cultures has been quite the challenge. Each club has its own unique style and expectations. But hey, I thrive on challenges; they've helped me evolve as both a player and a person."

Romeo's eyes sparkled with curiosity. "And what about the immense pressure of playing for a club as prestigious as Real Madrid? How do you manage that?"

A faint smile tugged at Jude's lips as he thought of his experiences. "Oh, you know, I just pretend I'm still kickin' it back in Brum with me mates. Nah, seriously though, the pressure is immense, but it's also an incredible privilege. Playing for Real Madrid demands peak performance every day. I rely on my training regimen, the banter with my teammates, and saying focused on my goals."

Romeo chuckled at Jude's casual demeanor. "Looking ahead, what are your personal and professional aspirations for the future?"

Jude leaned back, considering. "Well, professionally, I want to keep raising the bar, winning titles with Real Madrid, and maybe snaggin' a few Player of the Year awards along the way. But personally, I want to be there for the people who matter most to me, supporting 'em in every way I can."

Picking up on the personal note, Romeo inquired further.

"Family and relationships seem pivotal in your life. How do you manage to balance the demands of your career with your personal commitments?"

Jude's expression softened with a genuine warmth as he thought of you. "Ah, it's a juggle, mate. But having a strong support system makes all the difference. My family, friends, and my girlfriend-they keep me grounded. Despite the challenges and the distances, we find ways to make it work."

Romeo nodded, impressed by Jude's candid responses.

"Thank you for sharing your journey with us, Jude. It's been a pleasure."

"Cheers, Romeo," Jude replied warmly, though his thoughts were still partly occupied by concerns for you. As the interview concluded, he couldn't shake off the growing determination to support you, despite your stubbornness. It reminded him of the first time he had got sick, a couple weeks after they had moved into your family home.

Jude lay in bed, feeling utterly miserable. His head throbbed, his throat felt like sandpaper, and every muscle ached. He had caught a nasty bug, and it was knocking him down hard. Despite his condition, he had a match later that day, and he knew he had to rally.

You, always the caretaker, had spent the entire morning fussing over him, bringing him tea and making sure he took his medication. You were a natural nurse, your concern evident in the way you flitted around the room, fetching blankets and adjusting pillows.

"You really don't have to stay," Jude protested weakly, though secretly grateful for your presence.

You chuckled softly, brushing his hair back from his forehead. "Of course I do. Who else is going to make sure you don't forget to take your medicine?"

Jude managed a weak smile, reaching out to grasp your hand. "You're too good to me, you know that?"

"Just rest," you insisted, squeezing his hand gently before heading out to run some errands.

The next morning, Jude woke up feeling marginally better but was still under the weather. You, on the other hand, woke up feeling awful. Your head pounded, your nose was stuffed, and you felt like you hadn't slept at all. Despite feeling under the weather, you stubbornly insisted on going about your day as usual. You had meetings to attend and training sessions to oversee-there was no time to be sick.

Jude watched you with increasing concern as you hurried around the apartment, trying to ignore your symptoms.

"Y/N, maybe you should stay home today," he suggested again, his voice laced with worry. "You look like you could use some rest."

You waved off his concern with a weak smile. "I'll be fine, Jude. It's just a cold. I can't afford to miss work today."

Jude sat up in bed, his expression earnest. "I know you're tough, but pushing yourself when you're sick won't do you any favors. Let me take care of you for a change."

You paused, torn between your determination and Jude's heartfelt plea. You sighed, knowing he had a point but not wanting to admit defeat. "I have so much to do today, Jude. I can't just stay home."

Reluctantly, Jude nodded, knowing from experience that you were fiercely independent and determined once you set your mind to something. "Okay, but promise me you'll take it easy," he said softly.

Hours later, you returned home earlier than expected, your face flushed and your eyes watery. You sank onto the couch with a defeated sigh, clutching a box of tissues.

"What." You sniffle, your eyebrows frowning.

"Nothing." Jude says with a glint of a smirk.

"Stop smiling." You respond

"I'm sorry, it's just i told you so."

Jude, seeing your exhausted state, moved closer and gently took the tissues from your hands. "Why don't you let me make you dinner tonight?" he suggested, his voice tinged with concern. "You've pushed yourself enough today."

You looked up at him with a stubborn glint in your eyes, still not fully willing to concede. "That actually sounds really nice," you admitted reluctantly, finally allowing yourself to relax.

Jude smiled warmly, relieved to see you starting to unwind. "I'll take care of everything. You just rest and recover," he said softly, knowing that even in your stubbornness, you trusted him to take care of you when you needed it most.

But now, he wasn't so sure. Ever since the World Cup he had begun to see a change in you. You were absent most days, granted he was in Madrid which didn't help, but even on days when you could have dinner together, your mind was always somewhere else.

He understood the pressure of being the world champions, the demands to make public appearances, but sometimes he wished that you hadn't won. Not because you didn't deserve it, but because it was taking a huge toll on you and there was very little he could do about it.

***********

Leah glanced over at you with a raised eyebrow as you took a breather during your training session at Arsenal's practice ground. You had been noticeably tense all morning, and Leah, her teammate and close friend, couldn't help but address the elephant in the room.

"Yeah, okay, but what's up with you two at the moment?" Leah asked bluntly, wiping sweat from her brow. "You keep picking at each other like cats in a sack."

You sighed, your frustration evident as you leaned against the goalpost. "It's just... we've been on edge lately. You know how Jude can be sometimes."

Leah nodded knowingly. "He's a good guy, but he can be a bit cheeky," she remarked, recalling a recent incident.

"Remember that comment he made last week? You were fuming."

You rolled her eyes, her irritation flaring again. "Yeah, and rightfully so. Sometimes he doesn't think before he speaks."

Leah gave you a sympathetic look. "Look, I get it. But you two have been solid for ages. Maybe it's just a rough patch.

You should talk it out."

You sighed heavily, running a hand through her sweaty hair.

"I know.. it's just been one thing after another. First the media frenzy, then family stuff, now this reality show nonsense he's pushing for. It's like we're not on the same page anymore."

Leah nodded in understanding. "Relationships take work, especially with all the craziness in your lives. But you guys are strong. Don't let a few bumps get in the way."

You nodded thoughtfully, grateful for Leah's perspective.

"You're right. I'll talk to him. Thanks, Leah."

Leah flashed you a reassuring smile. "Anytime. Now, let's finish this training strong. No distractions!"

With renewed determination, you and Leah resumed their training, focusing on their drills and pushing themselves to perform at their peak. The afternoon sun beat down on the training ground, casting long shadows as you ran through your routines.

As you practiced, you couldn't shake Leah's words from your mind. You knew Leah was right-you needed to address the tension with Jude before it escalated further but as much as you wanted to clear the air, doubts nagged at you.

Leah noticed your distracted demeanor and decided to lighten the mood. "Hey, Y/N, remember that game against Chelsea last season?" she asked with a grin.

You chuckled, grateful for the diversion. "Oh, don't remind me. That was a tough one."

"Yeah, but you scored that amazing goal in the last minute!" Leah exclaimed, mimicking the commentator's excitement.

"The look on their faces was priceless."

You laughed, the tension easing slightly. "Yeah, that was a good moment."

You continued your banter, reminiscing about past matches and sharing stories from your time on the pitch. Despite the weight of your conversation earlier, you found herself enjoying the camaraderie with Leah, grateful for her support.

You and Leah resumed their training drills at Arsenal's practice ground, your focus returning to the swift exchanges and precise footwork demanded on the pitch. The air was alive with the sound of coaches' instructions and the rhythmic thud of balls being kicked.

After a particularly intense sprint, you paused, a slight grimace crossing you face as she clutched her abdomen.

Leah, noticed this, her brow furrowing with worry. You had been training together for years, and Leah had noticed your occasional bouts of discomfort over the past few months, especially since the incident during the World Cup where you collapsed briefly.

Leah slowed her pace, coming alongside you. "Hey, Y/N," she began cautiously, "perhaps what I should be asking is, whats up with you lately?"

You sigh defeatedly, indicating to the pain in your stomach. "It's cramps. "They come and go, but they've been worse lately. It's stopping me from sleeping and making it hard to eat-"

Leah's expression softened with concern. "Since the World Cup?"

You nodded, avoiding Leah's gaze for a moment. "Yeah. It started then, but I didn't think much of it at first."

Leah frowned, her mind racing with possibilities. "Have you seen a doctor?"

You hesitated, her voice quieter now. "Not yet. l've been putting it off. I don't want it to be a big deal."

Leah shook her head gently. "Ah now i understand Jude's frustration recently. Y/N, your health is important. You can't keep ignoring this."

You sighed again, your frustration evident. "I know, I know. I just... I don't want it to affect my game, you know? And with everything else going on..."

Leah nodded sympathetically. "I get it. But you can't keep pushing yourself like this. Promise me you'll see someone soon?"

You met Leah's gaze, her resolve firming. "Yeah. I promise."

********

You stood in front of the mirror, smoothing down the fabric of your emerald green dress. The soft candlelight flickered around you, casting a warm glow in Jude's apartment. You had gone the extra mile tonight, not just with your appearance but also in preparing a special meal for Jude. As you heard the door open, you turned to see Jude entering the room.

"You look stunning," Jude said softly, a brief smile appearing on his face as he closed the door behind him.

"Thank you," you replied with a shy smile, feeling a mix of nerves and anticipation. "I thought we could use a quiet evening together. No cameras, no distractions just us!"

Jude nodded, his eyes lingering on you appreciatively. "It's perfect," he murmured, though his mind was still clouded with the tension between you.

You sat down to dinner, the delicious aroma filling the room as you exchanged polite conversation about work and football. Jude was keen to lighten the mood, steering the conversation towards a recent match.

"So, what did you think of our performance against Barcelona?" Jude asked, taking a sip of wine.

You smiled, grateful for the change in topic. "I thought you guys played brilliantly in the second half. That goal you scored was top-notch."

Jude grinned, a hint of pride in his voice. "Thanks. It was a tough match, but we pulled through."

As you continued discussing tactics and upcoming fixtures, Jude noticed how you winced slightly every now and then, how you seemed to sit more rigidly than usual.

"You seem a bit off tonight," Jude remarked gently, reaching across the table to take your hand. "Is everything okay?"

You hesitated, your gaze flickering away for a moment.

"Yeah, just tired from the week, I guess," you replied, forcing a smile.

Jude searched your eyes, sensing there was more you weren't saying. "You know you can talk to me, right?" he said softly. "I'm here for you."

You nodded, grateful for his understanding, but unable to voice your worries just yet. The conversation shifted back to lighter topics, but the tension lingered between you.

After you finished your meal, Jude cleared the dishes while you tidied up the table. You could feel the pain in your abdomen intensifying, a relentless throb that seemed to squeeze your insides like a vice. You tried to push through it, not wanting to spoil the evening.

Jude glanced over at you, concern etched on his face.

"Damn it, y/n" Jude's voice echoed through the kitchen, frustration and worry pouring out in a torrent. "How can we be together if you won't let me in? Do you even trust me?"

You froze, your heart sinking at the raw honesty in his words.

You knew he was right, knew you had been keeping him at arm's length out of fear and stubbornness.

"I made dinner tonight to try to change this, but we keep arguing," you retorted, your voice tinged with frustration and hurt.

"You keep doing this to yourself, y/n!" Jude's voice cracked with emotion, his frustration palpable. "Pushing yourself until you can't anymore. Why won't you let me help you?"

You looked up at him through tear-filled eyes, your face contorted with pain. "I'm sorry," you managed to say, your voice barely above a whisper. "I didn't want to ruin tonight. I just wanted one night... ONE night where it wasn't about how I was feeling. I wanted to celebrate you-."

Jude takes a sigh, loading a couple of dishes into the dishwasher before turning back over to you. "And this is surely the best way to celebrate me- being quiet and constantly wincing in pain-."

"No- !" You try to finish your sentence before the pain pulls you down, you stabilise yourself on the edge of the table, dropping a fork on the ground. A annoyed sigh leaves your body, as you attempt to pick up the fork. Jude glances over, reminding himself, that despite how stupid you could be, he still cared about you.

Jude turned around at the sound of your stifled sob, his annoyance quickly giving way to concern as he saw you doubled over in agony. Without a word, he crossed the kitchen in quick strides, his heart pounding with worry.

As he glances over, he see's your weak body, attempting to keep you from falling down. Jude's expression softened, guilt washing over him as he realised how much you had been hiding from him. As he saw your body give way, he closed the distance between you, gently taking your arm to support you.

"Hospital. Now," Jude said firmly, his tone leaving no room for argument.

You nodded weakly, clutching his hand tightly as you hurried out the door, the weight of your unspoken fears finally giving way to a shared resolve to confront whatever lay ahead.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 11/5/2024

i am going to do my absolute fucking best to stay off the internet today. also the next time i write one of these i will be goddamn thirty. yeesh.

listening

it took three hours to make a normally brisk 50-minute trip back from the airport on sunday bc there were simply so many accidents. my phone wasn't charging, i was kind of locked into the one way i actually knew how to get home, it was pouring, and the only radio station that was reliably coming through was the local dad rock station.

i don't think i've ever actually heard this song all the way through before! i have of course heard the chorus in eight billion advertisements and trailers etc, but i tuned in right at the lyrics

I was a willow last night in my dream I bent down over a clear running stream Sang you the song that I heard up above And you kept me alive with your sweet flowing love

big ren faire lady of shallott vibes.

-

reading

witch hat atelier, the first twelve volumes that are out in english anyway. let's yoink the setup from the fan wiki.

Coco, a girl living in a small village, had been dreaming of becoming a magician since little. But people who don't know how to use magic since birth are unable to become magicians, or witness the moment magic occurs. But one day, Coco accidentally saw Qifrey, a magician that was visiting the village casting a spell. Ecstatic to finally know how magic works, she tries it immediately and transforms her mother into a stone statue. With the help of Qifrey and his disciples, Coco will embark in a magical journey to save her mother.

this gets a lot of ghibli comparisons, and i get it-- there's a lot of concern about healing scars from a near-cataclysmic magical war, lots of contraptions, bucolic countryside, loving shots of food, etc. i think there is a focus on academia and cohort-building, and how networking is a profession all to itself, that we do not generally see in ghibli films. i think the comp pull should go beyond the aesthetics, as well, but ghibli is still a good comp-- the world of witch hat atelier is dangerous and can hurt or kill you, but it treats the reader's heart with the same care a ghibli movie will. things may not be happily ever after or go perfectly at all times, but there are no twists for the sake of twists, and it doesn't sneer or make fun of you for caring about a character. there are no whedonesque "well THAT happened!" moments. these characters are going to learn and grow and you will learn and grow along with them goddamnit. it is queer but incidentally queer. the folx side of the fags-folx spectrum will feel very welcome here but this is not a tenderqueer kind of gay book. characters are incidentally gay because of course they are, that's just how the world works, look at all the fullness of human expression you can encounter in your one short life, why NOT be gay

i did not expect this series to kickstart a fresh wave of grief for my own academic experience. coco leans on her cohort so much and they truly do work together to solve problems and come up with good solutions and i wish i had had that kind of astronomy experience. it's kind of cold comfort that i don't know and have never heard of a woman having a good astronomy experience.

witch hat atelier: very fun to sink into the details on a page (Kamome Shirahama knows how functional but pretty clothes work), endlessly charming veneer on a very taut game of political ethics happening in the grownups' background

-

watching

happy noirvember!!!

Another Man's Poison (1952, dir. Rapper) courtesy of Kanopy's little revolving carousel of new noir films.

An English mystery writer (Bette Davis) kills her husband, then tries to kill a man (Gary Merrill) posing as her husband.

In his review in New Statesman and Nation, Frank Hauser wrote "No one has ever accused Bette Davis of failing to rise to a good script; what this film shows is how far she can go to meet a bad one."

a plot that could only happen in a country where appearances are everything. i must agree with mr hauser and most of the critics of the time who said Huh???? to the script and basic premise. AND the ending is a little too pat. a breakneck ninety minutes filmed in three months where its stage play bones show. however i really like Bette Davis and it's so much fun to watch Bette Davis pace around an English manor house like a caged tiger.

-

playing

fallow week, i am having a consistent problem with the now five year old gaming rig overheating and once i solve that issue i am very excited to play Red Dead Redemption the original (thank you again @pasta-pardner !)

-

making

deep cleaned my entire house. drove three hundred miles this weekend to pick up my sister and her friend from the airport, go to the ren faire, come back from the ren faire, and take them back to the airport. houston delivered to me some of the worst fucking driving experiences i have ever had here. really upsetting torrential downpour for nearly an hour on a road with no shoulder to speak of.

the actual ren faire was fun! i did not realize how vital a chair or bench with a fucking back was to my rest and recovery. it was nice to go with fellow adults and not help wrangle several small children, as fun as a kid-friendly experience can be. got my overpriced gyro for the year. got my bootleg anime merch for the year. wish it hadn't rained but i feel very smug for packing enough umbrellas and ponchos.

[scarletsaphire]

For his entire nine years of life, Danny has had incredible dreams. Featured in every one is a patch of stars, staying just in the corner of his vision, just out of reach. It is only after his first nightmare that the stars appear as what they truly are; a ghost, here to make a deal.

--

This is my Big Boy fic I've been planning for over a year. I hope you guys enjoy.

Danny had always dreamed of stars. It wasn't necessarily that he always dreamed of the stars, but they were always there. Sometimes he'd dream that he was a pirate, fighting glowing green sea creatures that came up from the bottom of the ocean, tentacles grappling on the sides of his pirate ship. Sometimes he would dream of a world made entirely of smudges of color, and he had to save it from the evil people who wanted to erase it all. Sometimes he would dream of exploring other planets, of the taste of space dust on his tongue and a ground that made him bounce like a trampoline. Danny dreamed a lot of things, but no matter what he dreamed about, the stars were always there, just out of reach. They were different then the ones that appeared in the sky; they seemed to flow and ripple like water, and they always seemed to move to the corner of his vision no matter how hard he tried to see them.

For a while, Danny tried to catch the stars. Every time he got close, he'd wake up. But his parents had taught him that Fentons don't give up, and Danny wouldn't be the one to break that streak. So he swore to himself, after what felt like the millionth time waking up in the dead of night, that he'd get to hold those stars someday, even if he needed to go to space to get them. He spent every night that summer trying to catch them, every night waking up disappointed and going through the next day so tired his mom brought him to the doctor's for a check up.

Danny didn't try and catch the stars the night before third grade. In between teaching Danny the correct way to weld, his dad had talked all about how he'd need all his energy to learn the new things that tomorrow would bring. His mom had stolen Danny away to show him the new and improved Fenton Folders she'd finished for him, designed to be able to hold not only the papers for his class, but any textbooks or other supplies he might need as well. They were bulky, and the combination of metal and mesh wasn't the prettiest, but Danny loved them; he'd helped her make them, after all. Jazz had told him while helping him pack that he needed to prepare himself. 

"Third grade is where the real school starts," she said while trying to fit his pack of #2 pencils in the backpack without disrupting the spots she'd already put his other supplies. "I can help you prepare physically, because I'm the best big sister ever, but you've gotta make sure you're prepared mentally. It's a lot of responsibility."

"I don't know what that means," Danny admitted.

Jazz grinned at him, showing off the gap in her teeth. "Yeah, well you're gonna. That's something third grade will teach you."

Danny did not pout. He was nine now, which was basically double digits. He was above pouting. "Why don't you just tell me now?"

Jazz zipped up the backpack and left it on the hook next to the front door. "I can't do that, it's against the laws of third grade. Everyone has to go through a ritual at the start, to make sure they're fit to be a third grader."

Danny narrowed his eyes. "You're lying."

"Would I ever lie to you?"

"Yes."

Jazz stuck her tongue out at him, and Danny did it right back. "I'm surprised Mom and Dad didn't tell you about the third grade ritual. What else do you think they've been having us do those martial arts classes for?"

"Ghost fighting?" Danny said slowly.

"And who says the challenge isn't a ghost?" Jazz was smiling at him in the same way she had when she said she didn't hide his cookies on the top shelf.

"You're definitely lying."

Jazz shrugged and turned around towards the stairs. "Believe what you want. I just know that if I was you, I would listen to your big sister who’s already beaten the ghosts. You don't want to fight them by yourself, do you?" With that she went upstairs, leaving Danny by himself. Jazz was lying to him. She had to be. But...

Danny grabbed one of the half finished inventions laying on the end table in the living room and slipped it into the side pocket of his backpack. It was better safe than sorry.

That morning Danny woke well-rested, having slept better than he had all summer. He’d had a dream about constructing fish bowls out of clouds, wringing the water from them like you would a towel. It had been a good dream, even if the stars still hung in the corner of his vision, taunting him. It would have been a pleasant way to wake up, if the first thing he was aware of wasn't the bellowing of his name from the doorway.

"Danno!" Jack repeated at a volume that only made his ears ring a little bit. "Hurry up kiddo, you're gonna be late!"

Danny blinked the sleep out of his eyes as he tried to interpret the numbers on his clock. 7:10. "Dad, you were supposed to wake me up at 6:20!" Danny yelled, jumping out of his bed, blankets falling in a twisted knot to the floor. "The bus is going to be here in 10 minutes!"

"Sorry, son," Jack said. "You don't have to worry about the bus, your old man can drive you."

"No, I'm sure I can catch the bus."

---

Danny walked out of the GAV at precisely 7:24, with only his nine years of experience keeping him from vomiting. He'd missed the bus by thirty seconds at most. 

"You've got this, kiddo! Face those challenges head on!" Jack called from the open window. "Love you, good luck!"

Danny waved back, and Jack drove away. His mention of challenges reminded him of Jazz's words yesterday. Unfortunately, he hadn’t been able to take the unfinished device with him to school; his mom had ended up grabbing it to work on, and with how late he'd woken up, he didn't have a chance to grab a new one. That was okay. Jazz was just kidding. Probably. He tightened his grip on his backpack straps and made his way into the school yard.

Danny's plan was to find Tucker. His parents hadn't let him hang out the past week. They'd said something about summer reading stuff that Tucker still hadn't done, and that he was grounded until he got it finished or school started back up. It was completely unfair, and it meant that the couple minutes before they had to go inside were crucial for catching up about all the exciting things that they had done since the last time they'd hung out. Unfortunately, the first person Danny found was not Tucker. It was Dash.

"Are your parents still adding weapons to that hunk of junk you call a car?" he called out from his spot on the stairs. Dash was mean and a bully, and he had been since kindergarten, but he wasn't persistent. Danny had learned early on that the best thing to do was ignore him and walk away, ideally into the sight of a teacher. Danny tried to do this now, but Dash got up and started to follow him. "What are you running away from? Gonna go hunt down some ghosts to talk to? It’s not like any of us want to."

Danny's grip tightened around the straps of his backpack. "Leave me alone Dash."

"What are you gonna do if I don't?" Dash spat. Danny's next step was halted by Dash's grip on his backpack, forcing him to stumble backwards to keep from falling. "Are you gonna tell your weirdo parents? You'd probably have to lie to get them to care." 

Danny spun to face Dash, the force of his twist breaking the taller boy’s grasp. Despite their height difference, Danny didn't back down.

"Stop it," he spat.

Dash sneered. "Oh, I'm so scared." He leaned down until Danny could smell his breath, warm and gross on his face. "Your whole family is a joke, and everyone knows it. You're no different."

There were a number of things that happened in those few seconds. The first was that Danny realized that, whether intentional or not, Jazz had been right about needing to fight a monster. He wouldn't tell her that, of course. She was already insufferable. 

The second was that Danny's hand had let go of his backpack, clenched into a fist, and flew at Dash's jaw with all the speed and might Danny's nine year old body could muster. 

The third thing, which was by far the worst, was the door to the school yard flying open only a few feet from where Dash and Danny stood. This meant that the teacher got front row seats to Dash's tooth flying out of his mouth.

"Daniel James Fenton!" she called, but her voice sounded distant under the rush of Danny's blood in his ears and Dash's blubbering. He only fully processed that his name had been said when he felt her grab his arm. "Just what do you think you are doing?"

Danny flushed red from embarrassment as he realized that the teacher's yelling had attracted the attention of the whole school yard. "He started it," he mumbled under his breath.

"I don't care who started it, young man, that's no excuse for violence!" she snapped. "I'm going to need to call your parents, do you understand that? In all my years of teaching, I've never had to call anyone about something like this so early in the school year." She moved towards the building, Danny dragging along behind her. 

She stopped briefly near the door to point at a student Danny didn't recognize; a 5th grader, by the looks of it. "Would you be a dear and escort Dash to the nurse’s office?" The student nodded.

The teacher led Danny through the halls of the school to the main office. "You are going to sit right here," she said to Danny, leading him to one of the waiting chairs, "-and you aren't going to move a single muscle, do you understand? I'm going to talk to the principal, and then she is going to talk to you." Danny nodded, and the woman disappeared behind the adjacent door.

Danny would not cry. He wanted to, and his eyes burnt with hot, angry tears, but he did not cry. He was nine. That was almost double digits, and someone who is double digits doesn't cry. Danny focused on one spot on the worn, dirty, carpeted floors, trying to get the heat of his anger to burn a hole through it.

It didn't work. Danny cried quietly.

When the teacher walked back into the room, he wiped away his tears as quickly and discreetly as he could before getting out of his chair and following her into the principal's office. Danny had seen Principal Caulfield a couple of times before; she would give announcements in the cafeteria sometimes, and would lead fire drills. He'd never been called to her office before. He'd never wanted to.

She smiled at him warmly, a stark contrast to the teacher's steely gaze he could still feel burrowing into the back of his head like knives. "Hello, Daniel. I assume Mrs. Robertson explained why you're here." Danny nodded. "Mrs. Robertson explained what happened to me, but I want to hear it from your perspective. Can you do that for me?" 

Danny shifted from foot to foot, not meeting Principal Caulfield's eyes. "She can leave, if that would make you more comfortable." Principal Caulfield nodded to her, and Mrs. Robertson took her leave.

"Dash was making fun of my family," Danny mumbled. "I tried to walk away, but he grabbed me and wouldn't let me go."

Principal Caulfield nodded. "So you decided to hit him?" 

Danny nodded. 

"Why don't you take a seat?" Slowly, Danny sat down in the chair opposite of hers. "We try very hard to teach our students that violence isn't the answer here, and it never is. You should've called for a teacher, or tried to settle the issue with words. Do you understand that?" 

Danny nodded again. 

"Now, I'm going to call your parents. I'm going to have a long discussion with, and you will be sent home early. I know that the first day of school has a lot of fun activities, and with your behavior today, I think a fair punishment is missing out on them. If this happens again, however, you will be in far more trouble. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes ma'am," Danny said. He focused on keeping his voice from wobbling.

"Good. Now, let me see here..." Principal Caulfield stood up and made her way over to her filing cabinet, rifling through one of the drawers and pulling out a folder with a label that read "D. J. Fenton." She flipped through it, traced her finger down one of the pages, and started dialing a number on the phone. Just as Danny had expected, it went to voicemail. A voicemail that was completely full.

Principal Caulfield frowned down at the phone. She looked through the file again, before looking up at Danny. "Are your parents busy right now?"

"My mom's down in the lab," he said. "If Dad's home by now, he's down there with her. If not, he's in the car."

Her face twisted in confusion, probably trying to figure out what Danny meant by lab, before it settled on an expression Danny had become very familiar with over the years. It was the mixed horror and understanding that most adults got when they realized that those two jumpsuit-wearing ghost hunting weirdos did in fact have children, and one of them was standing in front of them. Danny braced himself for the conversation that almost always followed, even as Principal Caulfield's expression faded into a professional veneer of kindness.

"I didn't realize that your parents had a laboratory in your house," she said. "What type of things do they do in the lab?"

"They build things, mostly," Danny said. That was a major simplification; even though Danny wasn't allowed to help with a lot of the things they did, he helped with enough to know a lot more than that they just 'built things.' More importantly, he knew that Principal Caulfield wasn't actually interested in hearing about his parents’ work, no matter how interesting it truly was. She was poking and prodding around the house to make sure Danny and Jazz were safe. He'd gone through it many times. It was never a pleasant conversation but it didn't normally bother Danny. "They don't let me or my sister into the lab unsupervised, they have all the proper PPE for both themselves and us, and anything they think will hurt us, or that they don't know whether it will or not is locked away where we can't get it," Danny recited.

Slowly, Principal Caulfield nodded. "It sounds like that's something you've practiced."

Danny shrugged. "I just get asked things like that a lot."

"Daniel." Her voice was hard. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Danny," she said, and her voice softer this time. She reached her hands out on her desk and folded them over each other. "You understand that that's not normal right? That you shouldn’t be in a house where your safety is questioned by everyone?"

That was also something he heard a lot. It wasn't like any of them were wrong. His parents weren't normal, and he knew that; what did it matter that everyone else knew that too? But Dash's words from before whirled in his head, mixing with Principal Caulfield's concern and the remaining whispers of the dozens of other people who'd said it. Danny bit his tongue to keep from either crying or shouting. He wasn't sure which was more likely. 

It took a few seconds before he managed to get out the response he wanted. "I am safe."

Principal Caulfield sighed. "Do you have any other way to get in contact with your parents?" Danny shook his head, and she pursed her lips. "Ok. Do they let you walk home alone?" Danny nodded. "Since I'm not going to be able to get in contact with them, what we're going to do instead is you're going to walk home. Straight home, no detours. You’re going to give them a letter explaining the whole situation, and then they are going to call me back. If I don't get a call back from them by -" she glanced at the clock on the wall next to her "- by nine o'clock, you are going to be in a lot more trouble. Do you understand?" Danny nodded again.

The next few minutes passed in tense silence as Principal Caulfield wrote out the note for Danny's parents. Finally, she handed the paper over to Danny. "You're free to leave." Danny shoved the note into his backpack and stood up. 

Just as he was about to walk out of the room, she spoke again. "Daniel?" He turned back to look at her. "Let's make sure this doesn't happen again, ok?" 

All he could do was nod.

---

It was almost 8:30 by the time he walked through the front door, his face red and puffy from anger, tears, and the rising August heat. As he had guessed, the sounds of clinking metal echoed up from the lab. He threw his backpack on the couch, and crouched to untie his shoes. He needed to gather his bravery to face his parents. He'd gotten in trouble in school before; even Jazz had gotten in trouble a couple of times, and she was as goody two shoes as they got. It was just that most of the time when he got in trouble, it was for something that his parents were more lenient about; they didn't care about him missing homework assignments when he had spent most of the time with them in the lab. They didn't care about him not paying attention in class because neither of them could pay attention to much of anything not related to ghosts or science; they claimed it was a Fenton Family trait. 

Danny knew that they would care about this.

He took a deep breath and started down the basement stairs. "Mom? Dad?" he called out as soon as he reached the bottom, peeking his head around the corner.

"Danny? Is it three o'clock already?" Maddie said, glancing over at him in confusion.

"I could've sworn that I only just got started!" Jack said, sitting upright from where he was hunched over his workbench. 

"Time sure flies when we're working," Maddie replied with a laugh.

"Um..." Danny shuffled from one foot to the other. "It's not."

"What was that sweetie?" Maddie asked. 

"It's not three yet. I got sent home from school early," Danny said. He started to explain everything, the words falling out of his mouth as he talked. When he finished explaining what Principal Caulfield had said to him, he pulled out the note and held it out to his parents. They'd both moved to stand next to Danny while he was talking. 

Maddie took the paper and opened it to begin reading, while Jack lowered himself to one knee to get on Danny's level. "I'm disappointed in you, son. I thought we had raised you to know better than resorting to violence."

"Unless it’s against a ghost," Maddie added quietly as she continued to read.

"Unless it’s a ghost," Jack amended. "Then your old man can show you how to shoot the sorry spook right between the eyes!" Jack bounced to his feet, pointing his hands into finger guns, and imitating the sounds of shooting and explosions. That went on until Maddie finished reading the note.

"Jack dear, you've gotten distracted again," she said, folding the note back up and slipping it into her jumpsuit pocket before turning to Danny. "What your father is trying to say is that we're proud of you for trying to stick up for us, but you should know better than to start fights."

"I'm sorry…" 

"You don't have to apologize to us," Maddie said. "You need to apologize to Dash. And that's what you're going to do, right now. You're going to go up to your room and write an apology note to him, and then you are going to go right to bed. No games, no TV, no books, no toys. I think that's a fair punishment, don't you honey?"

"Sounds right to me."

"But he started it!" Danny protested. 

"I don't want to hear it, young man," Maddie chided. "We can be a lot meaner about this if you make us."

Danny bit his lip. "Fine."

"Good. Now, you go upstairs, and I'll give your principal a call."

Danny and Maddie made their way out of the basement together. She stopped at the phone to wave Danny along. "And I'll be coming up to check on you soon, so don't think you can sneak out of the punishment." Danny gave a curt nod in response, not stopping his trek upstairs. 

Danny sat down at his desk in his bedroom, grabbing one of his new school notebooks. He and Jazz had talked their parents into buying a bunch of stickers, and the two of them had spent an entire afternoon customizing their new school notebooks. Danny had, of course, covered his in stars, rocket ships, planets, and astronauts. 

Danny’s lungs and eyes burned with anger as he realized that the very first thing he was going to have to put in his new notebooks was an apology letter to Dash, of all people. But he didn't have any of his notebooks from last year, so he didn't have much of a choice.

He flipped to the first page and lifted his pencil to start writing. The first couple of words were dark and shaky. The pencil tip snapped from the force he used. Danny let his head fall to the desk, and groaned into his arms. "Why do I have to apologize?" he complained to himself, not lifting his head from the desk. "He doesn't deserve it. He's been nothing but mean for years." 

The burning feeling in his throat got more intense. Hot tears ran down his eyes onto the notebook, smearing the few words he’d managed to write.

Danny turned over and glared at the door. His mom had said that she'd come and check on him, but he had grown up with her. There was the chance that she'd make good on her word, sure, but it was far more likely that something would call her back to the lab and she'd forget all about Danny, at least until Jazz got home. 

Danny didn't want to risk the offhand chance of her coming up and catching him doing something she said not to, but that didn't mean he had to write the letter. Not yet, anyway. Danny pushed his chair back from the desk with a squeak, and made his way over to his bed, flopping onto the mattress. With his pillow muffling him, Danny let the tears flow freely.

---

Danny sat in class, the teacher at the front of the room droning on about something. He wasn't paying attention. How could he, when he could feel the weight of his classmates’ stares on his shoulders? Their whispers joined together in a cacophony of noise, getting louder and louder with every passing moment until Danny couldn't even hear himself think. The sound persisted even when he covered his ears with his hands, pushing against his head until it hurt. "Please, stop," he begged. Like a switch, everyone stopped whispering. Danny opened his eyes to see the teacher from the playground standing above his desk. 

"What was that, Fenton?" she said, her voice dripping with venom. 

"I just..." Danny looked around at his classmates, but he couldn't focus on any of them, not under the heat of the teacher's gaze. "I wanted them to stop talking."

"How dare you interrupt their conversation!" Spittle flew from her mouth, bright green, and splattered against Danny's desk where it sizzled, chewing through the wood. He flinched back. "Apologize. To all of them. And then it's straight to the principal with you!" 

"But I didn't do anything!" Danny protested. 

"And you're talking back? If you're ever allowed back in this school again, you can apologize then. But I think the principal might put a stop to that."

Danny tried to stand up, but his legs were glued to the chair. He strained against the force holding him down until his muscles burned, but no matter what he did, he couldn't move. 

"What do you think you're doing, young man?" The teacher said, and she bared her glistening fangs at him. "You are about to be in a world of trouble!"

"What, are you too weak to get out of your chair, Fenturd?" Dash's voice overlapped the teacher’s. "Or is a ghost holding you down? We gonna have to call your crazy parents?"

They didn’t stop talking even as the rest of the class started again, an echoing cacophony of every horrible thing Danny had ever heard about him and his parents and his sister and his house and everything. All he could do was struggle against the chair even as his legs burned from the effort and his head pounded and his eyes leaked hot tears and- 

Danny sat upright in his bed, gasping for air. His school clothes, which he had fallen asleep in, stuck to the skin, and the blanket he'd been sleeping on top of was soaked with cold sweat. He grabbed at his chest, trying to slow down the frantic beating of his heart. 

"It was just a dream," he said to himself, still breathless. "It wasn't real."

Danny'd had nightmares before, but they'd always been full of fantastical beasts and monsters and ghosts. He’d never felt trapped; any time that he'd get too scared, he'd reach to the stars. Their ever-present shimmering would block out whatever terrors plagued his mind, and he'd wake up calm.

The stars weren’t there to save him this time, and that was almost scarier than the nightmare had been.

---

"Did you get the note finished like I asked?" Maddie asked over their Chinese takeout. (Surprisingly, Jack had tried to cook dinner. Emphasis on the tried. He claimed that the hot dogs started the fire in the kitchen, but they had been peaceful since the Great Toaster War, so Danny was pretty sure that Jack just burned the water he'd been boiling. And the stove he'd been boiling it on.)

"Mhm," Danny answered around his mouthful of pork fried rice. He hadn't even started the letter. Every time he did, the cutting words of his dream flooded his mind. It wasn't like she'd check it anyway.

"Good. Make sure to give it to him tomorrow when you go back to school," she said. 

"I still can't believe you got into a fight!" Jazz said. "I didn't get into any fights when I was your age."

"You're only two years older than me," Danny grumbled, shoveling another bite into his mouth.

"And those two years make quite the difference, obviously," she replied. She twirled the noodle around her fork. "I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that-"

Danny cut her off before she could get started. "Can I be excused?"

Maddie and Jack shared a look before Maddie nodded. "Don’t forget you’re still grounded, mister!" Jack called out after him as Danny shoveled one last spoonful into his mouth and retreated to his room. 

The day had passed slowly and painfully, with Danny spending a lot of time staring at his wall. He'd tried going down to the lab to help his parents, but they had made him go back upstairs to his room. It had taken an hour for them to remember to do so, in which they had told him all about the newest ecto-filtration system they were working on developing, but that hour hadn't done much to help with the other ten hours of extreme boredom. That, and the skin crawling grossness from the dream had yet to leave him.

Despite the fact that Danny had done less than nothing today, he was tired. He may have left the dinner table to avoid Jazz's rambling, but he probably would've done that anyway. In spite of the sun still streaming through the window, he made his way through his bedtime routine, before laying down in his bed, this time in his comfortable pajamas.

Apparently, it didn't matter that Danny's exhaustion seemed to run bone deep; no matter how he twisted and turned, he couldn't get comfortable. Every time he thought he'd found a nice position, his hand, head, or legs would throb. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the teacher from his nightmare with the venom filled fangs, or the disappointed faces of his parents and Principal Caulfield. 

Something told him that if he fell asleep, he would be met by similar dreams. No matter how tired he was, he didn't want to go through that again. He tried to keep his hands busy, and when he was too tired to move them with any more grace then a baby, he moved to keeping his mind occupied.

Despite how much he fought it, the soft ticking sound of his clock lulled him into an uneasy sleep.

—

Danny knew that he was dreaming because of the stars. The stars that had hovered at the edges of his vision in every dream but the last now covered everything, as if they were making up for lost time.

"Woah..." he whispered. He'd dreamed of standing in a field of stars before, but this felt...different. Before, there’d always been that one patch that stood out from the rest, his constant companion, a spot inconsistent with the rest of them. It had always felt more real, more physical, then the rest of them. This time, that patch made up everything around him. 

He dropped to his knees to touch one, an exceptionally bright star that pulsed with the beating of his heart. He cupped it in his hands, pulling it out from the inky blackness that surrounded it. It stayed where he held it, with most of the darkness dripping off like water, only a thin strand keeping it connected to the rest of the starscape. It wasn't warm like he'd expected; in fact, it was cold. So cold that it almost hurt to hold it, but he didn't put it down. He'd been dreaming of this moment, literally, for his entire life.

He stared down at the glowing ball, enraptured by its flickering lights, before he realized that it was… wrong. He knew stars; he had begged his parents to bring him to the space museum so often over the summer the people working there knew him by name. Stars were not just balls of light, they were balls of fire that moved and changed. Whatever he held in his hand was nothing but pure light, perfectly frozen, completely unchanging. 

He let the not-star fall from his hands, slipping back into its place in the inky void.

"Is it not living up to your expectations, little dreamer?" Danny whirled around to try and find the voice, but it seemed to come from everywhere, echoing endlessly. The sound traveled in ripples across the not-quite liquid floor, and the echoes only started to fade when the ripples did.

"Who are you?" Danny asked, continuing to scan his surroundings unsuccessfully. "Where are you?"

"You may call me Nocturne," the voice said. "And you already know the answer to the last question."

"I do?" Danny asked, confused. He spun around in a circle slowly. 

"You do. We're in a dream."

"This doesn't feel like my dreams..." Danny said. 

"That's because it isn't one of your dreams," Nocturne said. The surrounding darkness coalesced into one being, the starry cloak extending endlessly into the rest of the surroundings. One cluster of stars became a horned mask, with sunken eyes that seemed to be staring straight through Danny. "It's one of mine. I've brought you here to make a deal."

Nearly every alarm bell Danny had started ringing at once. Despite this, he did not feel scared, just wrong. Something was wrong. He tried to figure out what, but failed. Nocturne was still staring at him expectantly. He had to answer, even if he couldn’t figure it out. “My parents say I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.”

Nocturne's laughter rang out through the dream, even though his mask remained perfectly stationary, his eyes never leaving Danny. "Dearest Daniel, I am many things, but I am no stranger." He moved closer to Danny. Or, Danny moved closer to him, the ground beneath his feet folding over itself as if the world was being moved around him.. "You've known me for many, many years now."

"I don't..." Danny started to say, but he cut himself off with a hard swallow. He did know Nocturne, even if he didn't understand how. "What are you?" Danny asked instead.

"I am a ghost," Nocturne said, and Danny’s alarm bells worsened as a cold dread settled on his shoulders. Maybe he was in danger. "You don't need to be afraid, little dreamer. If I wanted to hurt you, I would have done it a very long time ago." 

For some reason, that didn't make Danny any less afraid.

He tried to stumble backwards, only to find that the cold liquid of the pool had hardened around his ankles, locking him in place. "What do you want with me?" Danny said, and his voice was barely over a whisper.

Nocturne tilted his head to the side. "I think a better question is how can we help each other? As I said before, I am offering you a deal. All I want from you for now is to listen." Nocturne laughed again. "I suppose in this case your question ended up just as good as any other." He held his hand out to Danny. "Now, shall we?"

Danny struggled to tear his gaze away from Nocturne's piercing eyes, but he managed to. The ghost's hands were barely visible, blending in almost perfectly to the inky blackness surrounding them, but Danny could still make out the vague outline of claws connected to a hand nearly the size of his face. He knew he should say no; he'd spent his whole life listening to his parents talk about ghosts. They were heartless creatures, a sad mixture of energy and ectoplasm and nothing more. They were more dangerous than anything Danny could ever dream up, had the ability to kill him with nothing more than a thought, and may do something even worse with only a little bit more. He should not take Nocturne's hand.

He tried to move again, but his foot was still stuck in the pool, the cold liquid clinging to him like tar. It didn't look like Danny had much of a choice. Hesitantly, Danny reached out and took hold of one of Nocturne's claws, touching as little of him as he could. Nocturne's expression did not change, but Danny could still feel the satisfaction rolling off of him in waves.

Danny could not remember blinking, but he must have, because one second they were in the star-studded abyss, and the next they were standing at the rear end of Danny's classroom. Danny looked around, confused, and his confusion only grew when he saw himself sitting in the middle seat. His doppelganger was hunched in on himself, visibly uncomfortable.

"You recognize this scene, do you not?" Nocturne asked.

Slowly, Danny nodded. "My nightmare. From earlier today."

"Very good. Tell me, what do you think of it?"

"Um, I don't like it?" Danny answered.

"And why is that?"

Danny shrugged. "I mean, no one likes nightmares."

"Yes, but you've had plenty of nightmares before. Why was this one different?"

Danny bit his lip and took a shot in the dark. "It reminded me of my bad day?"

"Excellent, little dreamer," Nocturne said, his voice laced with pride. "The bad things that have happened, or the bad things that might. Everyone gets them, at some point or another. And yet, for a very long time, yours were special. You were never truly afraid of the things that might happen, but created new things to be afraid of. Isn't that right?"

Danny gave a small nod. It felt like the answer Nocturne was looking for.

"Tell me," Nocturne continued. "Do you want to have more dreams like this one? Do you want for them to be built on the ugly truth of your reality?"

This time, Danny shook his head.

"I didn't think you would," Nocturne said. "Which is why I am offering you an escape from it. I can make it so that you never have these dreams, or any like it, ever again. All you need to do is help me in turn."

Danny narrowed his eyes. He may not have been the smartest Fenton, but he wasn't an idiot. And he had grown up with an older sister. "How would I be helping you?" he asked. "Cause my parents have talked a lot about fairy stories, and they say it’s really bad to make a deal with a fairy, and that fairies are just ghosts that have been mislabeled."

"The details are somewhat complex."

Danny crossed his arms. "Well, I'm not making any deal unless I know what it’s about."

The stars in Nocturne's cloak twinkled brighter. "There is an issue within my home, the Infinite Realms, that requires someone special like you to fix. It is, of course, more complicated than that, but that is the important part."

"And what would I need to do to fix it?" Danny asked.

"It is my understanding that you would simply need to be present," Nocturne replied. "As for the how, that comes back to your side of the offer. Instead of having dreams like this," Nocturne swept his hand across the room. "...you would instead spend your dreaming nights in the Realms. In the morning, you would wake up in your bed as if nothing had happened."

"It won't be any kind of sleeping forever thing, right?" Danny asked.

"It could be if you would like," Nocturne said. "Unless you request it, however, no. It would last just as long as any of your other dreams."

"So you want me to agree to let you take me into the world of ghosts, every night, instead of having the occasional bad dream?" Danny asked slowly. "That doesn't seem very fair to me."

"It would not be the occasional bad dream," Nocturne said. "Dreams are my realm. I know them very, very well. And your dreams have been... tainted. It does not matter whether you take this deal or not, you will never return to the dreams you had for so long. I am simply offering you an alternative to this mundanity."

"Why should I trust you?" Danny asked.

"You shouldn't," Nocturne answered easily. "But you don't need to trust me to agree to the deal."

"And if I don't agree to it?"

"Then you will wake up with no memory of ever seeing me, and go back to a life where you can't escape the horrors of the real world even in the comfort of sleep."

Danny took a deep breath through his nose, and looked around the room. He couldn't hear anything that was happening, but his memory worked to fill in the gaps. The teacher was nearly frothing at the mouth with her green, acidic spit, the other kids in the class were either whispering or laughing at him, and the dream Danny was sitting at his desk. His face was a patchy red, tears streaming down his face. He remembered how helpless he had felt sitting there, and he couldn't imagine feeling like that for who knows how long.

Danny turned back to Nocturne, whose gaze had never once strayed from him. "Okay." His voice didn't shake, despite how nervous he felt. "I agree."

"Wonderful." Nocturne reached his hand out to Danny. This time Danny didn't hesitate to take it, and then the world shifted around him.

[skyfallscotland]

Writing Advice: tips, tricks & helpful links, from your friendly neighbourhood fanfic author ✨ (part one—the advice)

see part two—the resources here

I've mentioned this before, but I truly believe no one's born a great writer. A great storyteller, yes. A great writer? That's learned. I've been reading and writing basically as long as I can remember. Learning to write is like...learning through both practice and symbiosis. In saying that, I get asked about this a lot, so here's what I do and some things that might help you.

Write what you're inspired to write, when you're inspired to write it.

So you have an idea—great! Are you a plotter or a pantser? Some people like to start with an outline, others just jot down a few notes and let the keyboard take them where it will. I'm in the latter camp, generally. For me, the best way to avoid writer's block is to write what I'm inspired to write, when I want to write it. Sometimes I'll write five chapters of a story at once, others I'll switch between a multi-chapter and a one-shot.

What's most important for me, personally, is that I don't try and force anything. If you suffer from demand avoidance, the worst thing you could possibly do (in my opinion), is set arbitrary goals. You don't need to write 500 words a day. If you want to, great! If that helps you, also great, but in my experience, that will generally just make my brain say well no, now we're not writing anything for a whole week, maybe a month, if you test me.

I also personally like to have a whole fic written before I start posting it online, or at least most of it written. I like being quite far ahead of what readers are seeing because I am a pantser. It takes the pressure off and honestly, there'd be so many plot holes if I didn't. Which brings me to...

First make it exist, then make it make sense, after that make it good.

What you see me post is not my first run-through. It's not even the second. I've written, read over, and changed things at least a handful of times before ever posting it, especially when it's a multi-chapter work. Sometimes I'll write a scene I love and then realise it just doesn't flow well, because three chapters back I had someone say a certain thing. In that instance, I'll put the scene aside.

Note that I said 'put aside' not 'delete'. I never delete them until I'm finished with a fic and I'm certain I won't need them, ever. Been there, made that mistake for you! Having a separate document with just various scenes you can insert at a later date also helps you to feel like it's ok to write what you want to write when you want to write it. I'll be honest, I jump around a lot. Sometimes I'll be inspired to write a scene I know isn't coming for another five chapters, but in my opinion it's best to just write it because when I get there five chapters down the line, I might not have the inspiration or I might have forgotten how I wanted things to go. Write what your brain wants to, fill in the blanks later!

Write from the heart.

My most popular work is the one I find the easiest to write and I almost never wrote it at all. Isn't that ridiculous? I almost never wrote it because I know it's cliché and excessive, and honestly...looked down upon. I almost didn't write it because of other people's opinions; then I said fuck it, I want to read it so surely there's someone else out there that does, too? Turns out there were thousands of you. Who knew?

But that work has really resonated with so many people and I think that's because I've poured so much of myself, my pain, my own experiences into it, into her. For that reason, I'd tell anyone starting out to try original character fic if that's what they want to do. Fuck the haters. All their favourite works were original characters once too.

Don't read similar fic while you're writing yours...unless you need to.

Let me explain. If I'm writing a certain type of alternate universe, or a certain storyline I know someone else has written, I won't read theirs until I'm done if I can help it, especially not if I'm actively writing my take on it. This isn't a hard and fast rule, it's obviously up to you what you feel comfortable with, but I would never want to have someone else's work influence my own too much, or get our ideas confused in my head, you know?

An exception to this rule, for me personally, is if I'm stuck with specific things in particular, like smut. When I wrote my first smut piece from a male POV, I was struck by the fact that I had no idea what an orgasm felt like for them, or how to describe it, because despite reading M/M fic for years, I apparently never absorbed that particular verbiage, so I went looking and read a whole bunch of smut from the male POV just to get an idea. Which leads into...

So you suck at kung-fu fighting.

Action scenes. I'm convinced we all hate them just as much as each other. I hate them so much I've changed whole plotlines from canon just so I don't have to include them. Unfortunately, my main fandom features a bunch of knife-throwing, sword-wielding, dragon riders at a war college who spar for clout, so I mean...it's unavoidable.

I still suck at writing it though, so what I now do for sparring and other hand-to-hand combat is search up youtube for sparring videos or self-defence lessons. It's much easier to describe what you're seeing than to imagine the mechanics and positioning of an artform you've never performed. The kung-fu thing was a joke, I like capoeira personally.

Stop being so damn hard on yourself.

Listen, everyone wants to be better than they are when they start out, literally everyone. I know I sure did. That's normal. Accept that it's normal before you start because the thing is, no one's a harsher critic on you, than you are and you'll always want to be better. There's a quote from Ira Glass that I'll paraphrase:

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap[...]It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit."

It's very true. Hopefully you have the support of a really welcoming fandom to reassure you that actually, you're nowhere near as bad as you think you are.

READ. BOOKS.

@justallihere says you can’t be good at something you don’t know anything about and it's so true, I've phrased it before as learning by symbiosis, when you read more, you'll internalise more. You're subconsciously learning how story structure works—plot hooks, transitions, metaphors and similie, grammar, style and punctuation.

Show don't tell.

...yeah this one I haven't mastered, I could use some help with that myself if anyone's got any words of wisdom, thanks.

Take all of this with a grain of salt.

I couldn't tell you how many writer's advice threads and blogs and whatever-else I've read over the years—too many, for sure. What I can tell you is 80% of what I've read was crap. It doesn't apply to me at best and it's unhelpful at worst. Maybe it's the neurodivergence, maybe it's just the fact that everyone's different and all you can do is give things a try, but based on that I can say with certainty that not all of this will work for you and that's absolutely fine! But I hope at least a few things do 😌

For links to more specific resources including thesauruses, generators, and other writers' advice, click here.

[tryingtodotheright-thing]

Hello Sunset - 3

AN: I actually managed to write this chapter quite quickly. It was originally longer but I've decided to break them into two chapters so it flowed better. The pacing of the story is still slow for now as we slowly get to know Y/N and the history of her relationship with S.Coups. There likely won't be an update this weekend and the next update won't be till the weekend after. As always, I would love to hear people's thoughts on the story. Anything you'd like to see?

PAIRING: Seungcheol x fem!reader GENRE: exes to lovers, idol verse, angst WORD COUNT: 2,918 WARNINGS: reader has anxiety and depression, swearing, mentions of alcohol

PREVIOUS / NEXT

After texting Rachel to not bother and that she’s going straight to bed, Y/N draped herself over the couch in her living room. She felt like she’d aged 10 years after this one day and couldn’t quite bring the energy to wash up and change into her pyjamas yet. 

“Alexa, dim the lights.” 

The brightness decreased and the dullness of the light eased the onset of a migraine Y/N had sensed since she’d left Sian’s office. The office was a scenic walk from her apartment in Central London and any other day, Y/N would have walked the 50 mins from Kensington Arcade but today, she couldn’t fathom an extra minute outside the safety of her flat. This was her safe place. She wasn’t so famous that the paps cared about her and she definitely wasn’t the richest or even the most famous person on her street. The place gave her a sense of calm she couldn’t quite get at home and it’s why she hadn’t made her way back to the house in Kingston, especially with her parents there. She couldn’t even imagine going back to the house and facing the questions from her parents. She didn’t have the fight left in her to hear their accusations and the emotionally charged words that pierced her confidence till it all seeped out.

She’d been planning to admire the sunset tonight, enjoying a drink on a rooftop bar whilst basking in the dying embers of the evening sun. Instead, she was drowning in her misfortune and wishing she could spin the clock backwards by two years to the summer of 2023. Maybe she was better off with music just as her hobby. Sure, she wouldn’t have experienced so much of the joy she’d come to know, the love of strangers bonded with her music, the luxuries she’d become accustomed to including the very flat she was currently and much more. But she also wouldn't have experienced the heartbreak she’d felt and was still left keeling over. 

With strict parents who cared more about success and reputation more than their children living and learning from life, she’d never really encountered love or interacted with the opposite sex in a romantic manner till she’d escaped the clutches of her parents and landed in university. The men she met were at the beginning of their youth and weren’t looking for the commitment and the same things she’d wanted in a relationship. She’d cried tears in frustration then but now looks back and laughs at her younger self, so naive in thinking she had everything figured out. It wasn’t all bad. She’d experienced butterflies at first sight, library dates like the ones she’d admired in books, the passion of her youth with every emotion fully felt and overwhelming and so very wonderful. She’d learnt a lot about herself, learnt what she wanted out of a bad partner, which habits grated on her nerves, especially in a boyfriend, and she’d also unlearnt some of her own bad traits.

After the short courtships and immature versions of a relationship, Y/N had turned her focus to her career. Entering the working world was when she truly began to feel like an adult. At first, it didn’t seem so different from when she would pretend as a child that she was a grown up, wearing her mother’s heels that were too big for her child-sized feet and dragging her handbag, shouting I’m off to work like she’d seen on TV. She’d felt small in the workplace, a cog in the machine and until she’d started to witness the impact of her work, she’d felt unsure of her place. Just when she’d started to feel comfortable in her own shoes, the pandemic had happened. The first year was horrible; there was no other way to put it. Y/N was sure many had felt the same as her then. Being in lockdown with no social life and just her parents for company didn’t help. Her relationship with her parents got worse. Every little thing was exacerbated and she was ready to pull her hair out. The only thing that gave her peace was music. It was a way to relax at the beginning. She’d recorded songs for fun, just like she had when she was young, only this time they were songs of her own creation. She’d gathered a small following on YouTube by the end. She started by playing small gigs on the weekends and people would actually pay to see her. Her time had been limited and she had been too scared to take the leap until Sian reached out. Since then, her life has been a rollercoaster. Meeting Seungcheol in the midst of all of this wasn’t in Y/N’s plans. She hadn’t been looking for a relationship. She definitely hadn’t thought she would be someone he would be interested in. Everything had moved fast in a whirlwind. It fit the theme of her life for the past two years. 

Y/N wasn’t new to the South Korean entertainment world. She’d been an avid k-pop fan when she was younger, having been introduced to the music by Rachel when they’d first met each other in secondary school at the age of 11. In fact, the interest spurred her on to study languages, particularly Chinese, Japanese and Korean as her chosen course for her university degree. She’d dipped in and out of the music genre, keeping tabs on the groups she’d liked and her music taste broadening as she grew older, preferring solo artists more. She hadn’t quite kept on top of the new generations of idols and only knew some of them by name. SEVENTEEN was one she was familiar with and funnily enough, she’d only gotten introduced to them earlier that year by her friend, Eun Ji. Choi Eun Ji, Rachel and Y/N had been the eccentric trio back in secondary school, at least until Eun Ji moved back half way through to complete her studies in Seoul. Eun Ji had shared a clip of an episode on Going Seventeen and Y/N was trapped. She’d worked her way through their discography and found herself shaking with giggles every time she watched an episode of them on a variety show. She’d never had a big group of friends to rely on, Rachel, Eun Ji and a couple more being the ones she would call her true friends. It was healing to watch the band together, their bond settled her soul and she truly believed that you could find love and peace from strangers. The beginning of 2023 had been so unsettling and Y/N didn’t handle changes well. Having an extra set of friends, as she called them, who would always readily cheer her up and take her mind off the doubts that plagued her at night, was something she treasured. So, imagine her surprise when she met one of the people she admired. 

27 September 2023

Y/N felt self-conscious in front of the cameras. This wasn’t her first press event, especially after the past two weeks of radio shows, tv guest appearances and live performances. She’d already been invited to Paris Fashion Week to view Marni Women’s SS 2024 show before everything had blown up. Sian had said maybe they had moved her up front a few rows, but that’s all it was so she had nothing to fret over. Y/N disagreed. She was sure she’d pissed off whoever it was that had been bumped off their seat at the very least. 

Y/N knew nothing about fashion. She wore what made her feel good and she tried her best to support the right brands. She also didn’t know anyone here so she felt like the sole prey in front of a room full of predators. Despite all of that, she tried to put on her best smile as she posed in her Marni yellow stretch-crepe midi dress. As the flashes began to dwindle, she took that as her sign to move off towards the building when she heard her name called by someone. 

“Y/N! Y/N, hold up!” 

Her black boots came to a stop and she twisted her face to look behind her. It was Issa Rae. Issa Rae knew her and was calling her name. The actress was also dressed in yellow and looked stunning. She waved Y/N over saying, “The girls in yellow need a picture together. Come on!”

Y/N walked back over, trying not to stumble and embarrass herself in front of everyone. It felt like everyone was watching her now. After posing together for a few pictures, she graciously thanked the actress and stepped away, trying her best not to run away and hide in a bathroom stall somewhere. As they took the pictures, Issa had shared how much she’d enjoyed listening to Y/N’s music and how she’d been familiar with her song as it had been recommended to her by a friend when she’d visited London for the UK promotions for Barbie. She wasn’t used to the attention, let alone praise from famous people she’d only seen on TV or the internet and her face felt as if it was on fire. Thankfully, the make up and her skin colour hid most of this reaction.

Emma Stanley, Sian’s assistant and the person to usually join her at these events, joined Y/N and directed her inside to her seat. 

“That picture was a great shout. Have you met Issa Rae before?” Emma asked as she walked in step with Y/N and handed her a bottle of chilled water. Y/N shook her head in response as she took the bottle and took a sip. The coolness helped hush the tension in her gut and she tried her best to breathe normally, focusing on the inhales and exhales. When she found her seat, she took her place and Emma sat beside her. The seating was arranged in one row so Y/N was relieved to realise Sian had been joking.

Emma browsed through the Calendar on her phone as she reminded Y/N of their plans for the rest of the day and the next few days in Paris. She was due to also be at the Victoria Beckham show on Friday and perform at the after party. She’d then attend the Vivienne Westwood show the next day before taking the Eurostar back to London. In between, she had interviews with magazines and would be working in between. Y/N had been taking unpaid leave to meet the demands of her schedules after she suddenly rose in popularity. Her manager and company had accepted things with grace, especially when she’d topped the UK Charts, ranking number 1 on the Sunday that had just passed. 

A few moments passed as Y/N continued to take small sips of her water and restore her composure. A buzz in the air began as she saw more celebrities walk inside and she could hear the garbled shouts of fans outside. Usher walked in and a throng of people followed behind him. He walked in her direction and she realised he was most likely seated in the centre of the long walkway, which was a few seats away. As he neared her seat, she hesitated on what to do. What did people normally do in these situations? Should she get up and greet him? Should she pretend to be busy with something? Before she could decide, Usher’s long strides got him to her and he came to a stop, saying, “Y/N right?”

She half jumped up from her seat at his acknowledgment. 

“Yes, that’s right. I’m a huge fan of your music!” Usher reached out for a hug that was slightly restricted by his outfit. He said he’d been really enjoying her latest song. To her surprise, he mentioned that he had checked out a few of her YouTube videos from when she was younger but hadn’t known that Y/N had made a return. He said he would love to speak to her more about her upcoming album plans. Emma, who had been listening at a distance, quickly slipped her card to Y/N.

“That would be my honour! I’ve actually been working on an album since the summer. I would love to get your thoughts on it. I think you might know my agent, Sian Doyle. She’s been talking about getting someone to co-produce it as some of the songs were written a while ago and need tweaking in style.”

Usher’s grin grew wider at Sian’s name and chimed that he knew Sian very well and that he knew her parents even better. He’d taken Emma’s card and passed it to his assistant but then proceeded to grab his phone and asked for Y/N’s number. She tried to keep her voice steady as she gave the information. After final pleasantries, Y/N thought he would keep walking to his seat but he had asked if she’d met the person sat next to her.

As she turned to her right to the direction Usher was looking at, she realised someone had arrived to take the seat next to her and it was Joshua Hong of SEVENTEEN. Her lungs had run out of oxygen and her mind had gone blank. What were the chances?! Emma subtly elbowed Y/N as Usher waited for a response.

“No, we’ve not met but I do know of him.” Usher turned to Joshua and waited for Y/N to say something but when she didn’t, he introduced himself.

Joshua had gotten up from his seat, realising the conversation was coming his way. He enthusiastically returned Usher’s greeting and chatted about the show. 

“And this is Y/N. She said she knows you.”

Y/N broke out of her daze at the sound of her name and quickly collected herself. She stuck her hand out for a handshake and said, “Hi, I’m Y/N. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I love SEVENTEEN’s music and really respect your work as an artist.”

Joshua smiled at this and thanked Y/N. The three of them continued speaking for a few minutes before they all received the signal to take their seats. 

Y/N sat back down at her seat, playing nonplussed at being at close proximity to one of Kpop’s most handsome idols. She admired the colourful patterns of the show and made note of clothes she could see herself wearing, chatting to Emma about them. Joshua leaned over a couple of times to ask her thoughts. At the end of the show, they naturally gravitated towards each other as they moved towards the post show reception. 

Feeling more relaxed now, Y/N loosened up and was chirpier. 

“I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of Usher earlier, but I’m actually a CARAT, albeit a baby one, so I’m pretty proud of myself for keeping it together!”

Joshua laughed at this and returned the compliments saying he'd really liked Y/N’s song ‘Stripes’ but he was too shy to say anything. The two stayed close to each other in a room full of strangers but made the effort to network and speak to others before returning to each other and swapping notes. By the time they were ready to leave, the two felt like this was the beginning of a good friendship. The two swapped numbers and Joshua was pleasantly surprised that Y/N had the LINE app so they could easily stay in touch. Y/N explained that one of her best friends was based in Seoul. They promised to stay in touch as they parted ways. 

Current

Y/N recalled how she had taken the words as a polite offering from Joshua and hadn’t banked on him reaching out after that day. How wrong she had been! Joshua had sent a picture of her on a billboard in Korea a few days later and she’d returned the text by sending him a screencap of the new album’s trailer, saying she couldn’t wait to hear it. The two continued exchanging messages every few days, their friendship growing closer every few days. Y/N found a kindred spirit in Joshua and saw him as the older brother she’d wished she had growing up. Y/N was one of the first to congratulate him upon the release of the new album and he was the same when her first full length album was released on the first day of November. 

When Joshua had found out that she was visiting Seoul at the end of November, he’d extended an invitation for her to see one of the concerts and for them to at least meet for a meal. She’d readily agreed and had made plans to watch the show on 30 November in Nagoya. However, fate had made it that they’d actually meet the day before at the second and final night of the 2023 MAMA Awards. Fate had almost been a third person in her relationship with Choi Seungcheol. 

Y/N sighed and picked herself off the couch, taking a break from the reminiscing to refresh herself for bed. She left her phone laying on the couch. As she walked away to the bath to have a soak with a glass of red, her phone began to blink as the contact name Joshie 🦌 continued to flash on her screen as she received a call.  

[nientedal]

Hello, I binged a bunch of your Megamind fics last night (best mistake of my life 🥲). But since I'm not an old Megamind fan, or even an old fan of yours, I don't really know how did you come up with the bird-like singsong language headcanon and not sure where to look for answers either. Megamind with gills headcanon is pretty intuitive, but this? Tell me more, please ~

Thank you for your work. Megamind is a masterpiece, but even DreamWorks couldn't begin to explore all the implications of the story.

Omg I love this question, thank you for asking! And I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed my writing 💙👽💙 I hope you can nap today!

The short explanation is simply that the way I see it, if Megamind's species can live underwater, the language spoken in his culture of origin cannot work the same way our languages do. The primary mechanics of human languages, air flowing out through our mouths, will not work for an aquatic species unless their language is bubbles. So I needed something else, and...I like birds a lot. When I wrote Swansong (I think Swansong was my first fic in which Megamind speaks any Punktsyk), I honestly wasn't thinking about it very much, except "birds whistle and chirp, and so do dolphins and whales, so Megamind sounds like birds and dolphins and whales."

The long explanation of how I got to the fully-developed headcanon for his language as I currently write it is below:

The long explanation is that Megamind's specific combination of birdsong+whalesong was developed over a long period of time. I like birds a LOT, lol. I've also always loved the idea of a Megamind who looks more or less human-shaped, but is otherwise very very alien. So (years & years before I started writing him with gills) I wrote him as making some bird-like sounds very early on in my writing. 2012, 2013 or so, I think. I also wrote him mentioning a syrinx, which is a vocal structure some birds have. Just for fun, because at that time I was avoiding writing very much about his homeworld. And I wrote Swansong, which...as far as I know is the first appearance of Megamind with gills, so I didn't have much inspiration other than "I like birds" lmao. But I needed him to speak to Minion underwater, and I have no idea how Minion manages aquatic English, so I gave Megamind a different voice and leaned into those bird noises I had mentioned in passing before, in other stories.

Aaaand then I got depression and didn't publish anything for a couple years... and THEN I got on new meds and came roaring back to life with new inspiration, thinking, Fuck it! We've had no new information in years! I'm gonna do what I want! Gills! A new language! Let's go let's go let's go!

First, I needed a reason for Megamind to actually be fully fluent in his parents' language, so I gave Minion inherited memories. With the way I was writing Minion's biology, it made sense that his species might be able to do something like that. I thought, okay, Minion lives in an orb underwater, how long would it have taken him to learn any human languages? So Megamind is fully fluent in his parents' language because Minion could really ONLY speak that for a long time.

And THEN I sat down and started trying to actually figure out the language itself. I had already had the thought (several times, over the years) that if those bird noises I gave him are natural for him, there was no reason any of the languages on Megamind's homeworld would sound even remotely human. I was really sad about this, because I had hoped to write something Roxanne could eventually learn to speak, but...it just wouldn't work in my head. I was writing Dive and fully committing to Megamind as a fish-man, so his language needed to make equal sense in water and air, and for that, it needed to be something truly alien.

Like I said, I had written him singing already. This was just his language from Swansong, but more developed. I wanted a deeper song for him, too, like a whale, so I wrote long chambers along his spine, to run air back and forth and sing the emotion underlying the birdsong "words." I also gave him a kind of rolling "vocal loop" to keep air flowing through his syrinx without letting go of it through his nose or mouth, so he can sing underwater as well as in air. I think he probably also has structures he can work behind his nose, for clicking. He can make a LOT of noises, lol.

If I'm remembering correctly, I was still thinking maybe he had a different language out of the water while I was writing Dive. It wasn't until a couple months later when I wrote Wake Your Sleepy Soul that I decided it was a single language. I imagine it sounds a bit different underwater than in air, but the language itself is the same.

There is more I can tell you about Megamind's voice, but I think that's everything for why I wrote his language the way I do! and I must sleep. Thank you again!! If you (or anyone else reading this) have any other questions, please ask away, I LOVE talking about this stuff.

(Oh and go watch Megamind Rules if you haven't seen it yet! I think it is actually very cute and earnest. Wonderful show for kids, I really enjoyed it and hope they release the second half soon.)

[mistresscitrusslice]

"I'm only cryptic and Machiavellian 'cause I care 🩷😘"

Mastermind is THE Meljay song from Mel's perspective. It's about time I did a song breakdown for Meljay bc honestly they deserve it. Truly an underrated overhated couple

"Once upon a time, the planets and the fates and all the stars aligned" Brings up the visual of the astral-looking magic that brought them together in the first place. Maybe fate didn't bind them, but their love feels celestial anyway.

"You and I ended up in the same room at the same time" I don't think Mel intentionally bumped into them in the hallway, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did. If that hadn't happened, I do believe she would have sought him out at a later date, maybe offered him her patronage under the table, but that's getting into fanfiction territory.

"And the touch of a hand lit the fuse" This could not get any more literal

"To assess the equation of you" THE NERDS ARE FLIRTING. wee woo wee woo They're literally so cute I'm fuming. Can we be certain this song isn't actually about them?

"Checkmate, I couldn't lose" I feel like Mel has this attitude about a lot of things. She seems like the kind of person who has at least three contingency plans for every situation and as a result is used to getting her way.

"What if I told you none of it was accidental / And the first night that you saw me, nothing was gonna stop me?" Mel certainly had her eyes set on Jayce from the moment of his trial. To an extent, even before the trial, from the moment she heard his name from Elora's mouth. Post-time skip, every one of her moves toward him was intentional to attract and mold him. Even before it becomes obvious that she fell harder for him than intended, she clearly harbors feelings and admiration for him as far as pre-time skip.

"What if I told you I'm a mastermind?" BECAUSE SHE ISSSSSS "And now you're mine" BECAUSE HE ISSSSS

"You see, all the wisest women had to do it this way / 'Cause we were born to be the pawn in every lover's game" Something something Mel is a fox. She has to be because she doesn't want to be the pawn to her wolf mother. This is not something she can just turn off when it comes to her love life, but maybe she can learn to (or maybe they can make each other worse)

"I'm the wind in our free-flowing sails / And the liquor in our cocktails" Ship motifs, only loosely tied. (I think that line would work better for Melvik) The second line here works really, really well for Meljay, though. I'm specifically thinking of the opera scene where she hands him the golden flute of golden wine.

"What if I told you none of it was accidental / and the first night that you saw me, I knew I wanted your body?" Oh, she for sure wanted Jayce's body, but more than that, she wanted his mind. She and I can agree that nothing is hotter than reckless intelligence

"No one wanted to play with me as a little kid / So I've been scheming like a criminal ever since" Hmm something tells me Mel didn't interact with a lot of people her age as a child

"To make them love me and make it seem effortless" And she does it well too!

"This is the first time I've felt the need to confess / And I swear / I'm only cryptic and Machiavellian 'cause I care" This song plays it off in a joking way, but this is unironically Mel 😭 She cares about peace, she cares about not going to war, she cares about progress, and she cares about Jayce. The road to Machiavellianism is paved with sweet little arm kisses with your lover's head in your lap and soft finger brushes in the chilly night air.

"I laid the groundwork and then saw a wide smirk / On your face, you knew the entire time / You knew that I'm a mastermind" Jayce absolutely does not know. He knows that Mel is a political mastermind, but he does not know that that is also being directed toward him, the sweet boy. If he found out that Mel approached him partly out of ulterior motives, he would be mad, but it wouldn't last. They've both harbored feelings for too long not to repair their relationship. He can't stay mad at her and she has a way with words. Their character flaws have glued them together.

[astrologanize]

april 2024 sun sign horoscope

aries sun: it's one of those months where whatever you have in mind...trash it! let life lead this month. there will be a lot happening so enjoy the ride

taurus sun: a big time for practical self-care as you slowly but surely get your shit together. don't get overly invested in anything this month because things will be redirected. you need to take any dissatisfaction in your life and let it inspire you to do what you need to so that you can improve your circumstances

gemini sun: some things are not going to go your way this month but they won't be too major, it'll be more like 'eh that sucks' and then you go about your day. there will be nostalgia happening and you will still be reminiscing on the things you're unwilling to let go of but ya gotta get out of the past and away from what you think something should be. try to have self-discipline and understand that new chapters happen when you're open to them

cancer sun: there will be setbacks and/or you will be voluntarily taking a step back this month and prioritizing emotional matters/close ones. there may be something you are entering into as a beginner this month or you may just be taking the backseat on something instead of feeling the need to steer. i'm seeing important conversations that have the potential to be healing, try to say what you truly want to say as considerately as possible - try to avoid mindlessly running off at the mouth

leo sun: aw, your month is pretty cute! you're going to need to lean on others this month, or you will be learning how important it is to have people in your life. your pride may try to get the better of you but don't let it, try to let your guard down and understand that you can't & shouldn't bear everything on your own. if life has been tough then know that you have people/can find people who are there for you. be a lil needy this month

virgo sun: hm you seem to be feeling like you're in the waiting area of something, it's like you are open to life and things are moving in a different direction for you but for whatever reason you aren't able or you feel like you aren't able to arrive at the destination yet. try to avoid feeling inhibited, allow yourself to indulge, take things softly, let things flow as they may

libra sun: ah, there will be opportunities for you to demonstrate lessons learned, so you will be catching yourself in situations where you're like 'hm i've been here before...what can i do this time so that i don't repeat a lesson'. have the confidence and assurance in your capabilities to adjust and choose better for yourself

scorpio sun: your head is down...mindin’ your business...no showboating here because there is a focus on job & work. there are insecurities and a low energy that you're going to be experiencing. you're in the process and unlearning something that wasn't serving you and that is hard for a scorpio to grapple with. seek out clarity, be comfortable with the feeling of unknowing-ness, and expect a mildly bumpy april

sagittarius sun: surprise, surprise, a sag is gonna have some luck and have a 'win' or 2 this month. there is a situation that is going to rule in your favor somehow and by the end of the month you're going to feel free of something. this is a time to ~stand on business~ so stay assured in your standards and plans

capricorn sun: i see you're feelin' yourself, there is a sense of preparedness, you're like 'okay yeah i got this'. you may be taking the lead on something this month and it seems that your plans are able to pan out but try not to get too ahead of yourself. you will definitely be getting things done but there is a need to take a step back & see the whole picture - step by step. you do got this! just pace yourself

aquarius sun: weird month...it's like you have awareness this month for what it is you want in your life and what works for you but you're going to be such a child about it tbh, like a demanding diva. you need to pay closer attention because you may overlook something(s), there are issues/feelings that you need to work through, you are going to have some keen expectations that may set you up for disappointment, you need to not dramatize situations and make things bigger than they are

pisces sun: i cannot emphasize enough how much discomfort this month holds for you - but that is where growth lies. you are not going to be thrilled, you are going to be out of your comfort zone in a very not fun way, it's like getting thrown out of the house and having to grow up real fast. whatever is going to be happening, you're going to want to have a breakdown and be erratic and just go balls to the wall about it, or just straight up flee and run away from it all - but let's not do that no matter how tempting. let it be, healthily detach and leave it alone. it could the inverse though, like getting rowdy at a bar and subsequently getting kicked out. either way you need to take a chill pill

[gleefullypolin]

Bridgerton Season 3 Review

Ok I sat on it for 24 hours. Watched the episodes about 4 times through...I won't say how many times I've watched the carriage scene because it is an obscene amount of times! So we'll skip that. Either way I'm more focused on the fact I LOVED so much that I don't hate much. in fact why oh why is everyone so focused on parts they hate? I love what we were given in 4 episodes. I wish we could have 22 episodes, but alas we were not so I will cherish what I have. But I guess that's not what I'm here to talk about.

I'll start with the part that EVERYONE seems focused on...

Things I didn't like. (cause damn is anyone ever happy anymore?)

Too many subplots! damn...it was all over the place for a while. While I like the Mondrich's I tired of them quickly. It felt like there was too much of it. And I just didn't need to keep going back to it. Yes you're in society, no you don't want to be. Ok I get it.

Split season - I hate this format. I thought it would be good to have a break in between and I’m cursing it because it ruins the flow and I don’t ever want to do this again! Part 2 YOU MUST MAKE HASTE

But yes that's all I hated.....I said there wasn't a lot. Because I truly didn't hate this season!

Things I didn’t love or hate

Fran – I haven’t read her book so I was taken by her story with John. They were sweet. It took me a moment to get into what was going on. I loved her scene with Pen. I like that she was nervous and unsure where to go or what to do and that John was a serene moment for her. It seems sweet but again…a subplot that felt like it was taking up too much time in this season that needed its own season to ruminate on.

Ben – color me still confused on what they are doing with Ben’s story. I am still waiting for them to figure it out. I love Ben, I love his sweet nature and his giddiness but I am still not sure what they are trying to do with him and again, wasn’t sure what was going on.

Debling – Ok so why is he here. Well quite simply because I didn’t hate him. He wasn’t awful. He was very nice and lovely to Pen. I was very happy when she finally told him she didn’t like grass. That line alone was adorable. But the part I didn’t love was in the pieces where he was going away for 3 years, and he expected her to be there to take care of his home and yet have no other attachments, and no love. He quite clearly told her he had no space for love. He had many other things and was a busy man, so love was not really on his agenda. Yet he expected her to remove that from her life and have no attachments. I am happy he released her because he knew she had an attachment already and couldn’t be a woman with none, but I thought that was pretty harsh to expect a lonely woman. So to me Colin was right, he was too particular.

Things I thought worked well!

Sending Kate and Anthony on Honeymoon – I get it. Everyone wants to see them, but I felt they needed to go because the space was already crowded enough with everyone else’s stories, so to set up the season, something needed to go.

Surprisingly Cressida and Eloise – It gave some depth to Cressida I wasn’t expecting. I still hate her, do NOT get me wrong. It gave depth and I felt sorry for her but damn she’s still gross and not my cup of tea. She’s still out to get Pen at every turn and she’s quick to be evil regardless of knowing better. Evil parents be damned, I don’t care for her. I did looove how she turned the gossip piece on El when she wasn’t the one who spoiled the news about Pen/Colin and it was actually El who did it. I thought that was a great learning moment for El.

The Brothel scenes – I KNOW I KNOW! Shoot me, tar me, boil me. Whatever, fandom curse on me. I thought they worked and were needed. I felt they did a great job with Colin and showing that he went away to become this society man or what society expected of him. His façade that he pushed and portrayed demanded him to play this part and he played it well. And it ate at him. And the two scenes could not have been more different if they had tried. It was a turning point, the breaking point in his armor and they did a great job with it.

Cocky Colin/Colin with his Buddies Scene - I know many hated this Colin, but I love this facade he played with because it wasn't our Colin and we were supposed to see that, because we didn't get our Colin until he was with Pen more. That was the whole damn point. But I truly loved the scene with Colin and the assholes at the bar. Where he so clearly called them out and realized that the whole charade was simply that and what was the entire point, because he couldn't find it anymore. Kudos to Luke, it was a great scene and the period was added when he shunned them at the Queen's ball.

Violet/Colin Staircase Moment – Really great moment between mother and son. The whole time I kept saying, damn is anyone going to notice that Colin is spiraling. Mom is really focused on her daughter, but no one seems to notice that Colin is a mess. Colin points out to El that Pen has no father to guide her, well neither does Colin! Another point of showing that Pen really is his anchor and without that he is adrift. But this scene was beautifully done as she finally called out to him and sent him in the right direction.

Colin’s change after the kiss – This was really before Debling was in the picture. He was really there following her like a lost puppy from the start, but any suitor he was very interested in how she felt about them but his interest started to change after the kiss. The scene under the tree was very nervous energy, very off his Axis from what we had scene from his bravado in any other scene so far and this was from ONE KISS. He was Colin again.

Eloise – Oh how I was so back and forth with my tears between Pen and El and Colin. My God my heartstrings. I was angry then sad then torn. I don’t know how I’m going to feel in episode 5. Am I angry, excited, freaking terrified at what is coming next. Probably all of the above. But they really played with our emotions and I’m just not sure how I feel yet so more to come on this.

Things I adored!!

Chaos Colin – Bribing a maid for alone time at night, sneaking off with head nods at balls, meeting under the shade of a tree, sneaking off to the drawing room to set up a pretend ball, flirting with your bestie at the market while recounting your first meeting, chasing after her everywhere she goes, eye fucking her in front of the entire ballroom while trying to get your damn thoughts to catch up, fucking interrupting a goddamn dance to tell her not to marry someone, chasing a carriage down in the middle of the Queens ball to make sure she didn’t get married, ravaging her like the Queen she was in the carriage, and then damn proposing like a madman! I mean….I’ll take that every day!

Penelope Fucking Featherington You Queen– Our pining came from the Bridgerton side this year, not Penelope. For most of this season, she stood her ground, she had her purpose and she went for her plan and stuck to it. She has been in love with Colin Bridgerton since she graced our screen and he was staring her down like a madman and she stayed her course. You go girl!

The Featheringtons– Most of my fun came from their scenes. I could have peed myself when they asked what got inserted. But their scenes were hilarious, and I truly enjoyed the comedy they added. I am anxiously awaiting the Colin/Portia scene in Part 2 because Mama has got hers coming. I was up and down with her and ready to beat her by end of episode 4. I cannot wait to see where this goes.

The Carriage Scene – Did you really think it would not be on here? Because hot holy damn. Nicola winning the battle to touch his hair was so important because Pen did in the book, and it set off fireworks. Did you see the way he watched her like he was marveling at her reaction. Like it was air just to see what he was doing to her. I mean if you’ve read the book you know he likes that and it’s something he quite enjoys, well show Colin enjoys it too, that and biting her lip. But the laughing after…that’s where I live now. That was Pen and Colin and everything I wanted to see. It was perfection! And his face after, his resolve to marry her, Luke put that all out there in 5 seconds, you could see him walk through that decision in his head and then the line was delivered masterfully and here we are now needing to sit for a month to wait to see what fresh hell and heaven await.

And I AM READY FOR IT!

[comicaurora]

So, you mentioned on the podcast that you were watching some classic-era Gundam.

For the season(s) you've watched, assuming you're not planning on suddenly taking the plunge and making a Universal Century Detail Diatribe, would you mind sharing your opinion so far? Universal Century can be a bit divisive, but I always enjoy seeing people's opinions on it. I have mixed feelings on some of the decisions made, myself, but in the grand scheme of things I enjoy what I've seen so far. (Especially Unicorn, but that's not really classic era.)

Also, I'd like to reccomend watching (or reading!) Gundam The Origin, since it acts as a really good, pretty, (and in the anime's case, short) prequel series to the original.

It's interesting! I've watched the compilation movies for 1 and 2 and most of 3, and I can't tell if they lost the plot after 1 or if the writers were being really, really scathing in a subtle way.

1 was incredibly blatant about how Amuro is a traumatized kid who got strongarmed into being the gundam pilot and using it to kill people, something that he clearly absolutely hates - and it's pretty overt that the Federation Force is more than willing to mulch up as many child soldiers as they want in order to win. The movies, and I assume the show they're compiled from, go out of their way to show that there are sympathetic young people on both sides of the conflict that just want to be free of this war, and there are also right bastards on both sides that are willing to be very callous with the lives of others. You can, of course, always identify who the compassionate people are by how pretty they are, and all the right bastards by how grotesque they are. It's pretty unsubtle about that being the core of the narrative, and they really twist the knife at certain points, like when Amuro's mother is horrified and ashamed at him self-defense-killing a Zeon soldier that was actively menacing her refugee camp, and Amuro concluding that she doesn't love him and he truly has no family to go back to.

By 2, things have gotten a little confusing, and I'm inclined to assume this is because the compilation movies had to make some cuts that would've made the character arcs flow a little more smoothly. Amuro decides to leave the whole war behind, which makes sense, but he takes the gundam, which doesn't. They introduce this thread that Amuro is extremely attached to the gundam and very proud of his ability to pilot it, and he has an actual breakdown when he learns that other members of the crew are now trained in its operation and can use it just fine, if not quite as skillfully as he can. It seems like there was a bit of a lurch from "Amuro has been unwillingly dragged into this nightmare and is forced to fight again and again despite his extremely obvious PTSD" to "Amuro refuses to let go of the giant robot that tethers him TO this nightmare," and while it's very interesting in the implications, it doesn't exactly flow cleanly. In fact, this is where there seems to be a bit of a shift from "war is bad" to "wow! cool robot." Amuro goes from PTSD-catatonia every time he destroys an enemy mobile suit to counting them during fight scenes, which is kind of a chilling indicator of the mechanized horror he's becoming accustomed to - assuming that was on purpose and not just a broad defanging of the story to do more Cool Robot Fights.

But the thing is, there's this subplot sometime around 2 or 3 involving a bunch of actual toddlers that have been hanging around on the ship - because it started as a refugee vessel escaping the destruction of a colony, so there's a lot of women (who are now conscripted pilots, of course, and shockingly badass for the era it came out in) and children onboard, and they've been stuck on the front lines running from Zeon with almost no ground support because the Federation likes throwing the gundam at things too much to care about a handful of six-year-olds potentially getting mulched. But throughout this little arc, the kids are finally on track to getting rehomed on Earth by the military - something that the kids are unhappy about because they've got a whole Found Family thing going, but Amuro approves of them leaving, saying "little kids shouldn't see people killing each other," which aligns very firmly with how he is a kid who hates all the killing he's stuck in.

Except then the happy ending is that the six-year-olds get to stay on the warship because they recently helped out with bomb disposal and "they've seen things you guys can't imagine, they don't want to leave!" And this is either really losing the plot or absolutely brilliant spiteful writing on the part of the creative team, because as I understand it, executive meddling was pushing them to include newer, flashier, more colorful giant robots (weapons of war and untold suffering that our teen hero has been trapped in by a mechanized war machine that has effectively enslaved him for his talents) to push toys to the exact age demographic of those chipper six-year-olds. It's almost like the teenage child soldiers are turning out to directly face the camera and saying "what's the difference between forcing us onto the front lines and letting these precocious youngsters keep flinging themselves into the crossfire? Gotta sell more gunplas, right?"

So if that was on purpose, I really liked it. If not, it's kinda hearbreaking to see the show gradually start pulling its punches in favor of turning the Oops All Babies warship into a heartwarming found family situation.

Also they started really banging the "newtypes are the plot now" drum in 3 and once everyone started getting psychic powers I kinda lost steam tbh

[honeybee-bard]

Writing Interview Tag Game

My internet is finally back! Thank you to @nyx-knox for the tag. It's a long one, so buckle the fuck up y'all.

When did you start writing?

I'm the child of two English majors and I wrote little stories in my journals as a kid, probably as young as five or six. I started writing fanfiction specifically when I was about 15 and wrote Ed Sheeran smut and putting it on tumblr, which I absolutely should not have been doing for internet safety reasons but what's done is done and tbh it was some solid writing. I then stopped writing for an entire decade due to mental health issues. I started writing my Falling Star fic in...April, probably? So between that and my WIPs, I went a decade without writing and then suddenly pumped out a couple hundred thousand words in less than six months. Go big or go home I guess!

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

Honestly, not really. I'm a slut for spawn Astarion smut what can I say.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

There are none I can remember ever being compared to, but there are lots of other fic writers that I try to learn a little from each time I read their work.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I still live at home, so my writing space is at my gaming PC at the desk in my bedroom. The entire place is a huge mess and tbh it stresses me out a little but I have a lot going on right now so it is what it is. There's usually coffee and/or weed within arm's reach when I'm writing.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Something that's really surprised me in my return to creative writing is how easily inspiration has continued coming to me. Sometimes I worry that I'll lose it, but I keep having more ideas than I can get onto paper, and I've just barely begun exploring writing characters other than Astarion and Wynlana, so I think I'll have enough inspiration to continue writing for a very long time.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

Smut! So much of it! And it doesn't surprise me in the slightest because I am a terrible, horny little goblin bastard.

What is your reason for writing?

I love my job (I work in early childhood education), but I realized it was at the point where it was taking over my entire life. I went on medical leave after having top surgery, and I decided to spend a lot of the time writing. Having a creative outlet has been very good for me, and the added motivation of people actually liking it has been a huge confidence boost.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

One of the first comments I got was complimenting my prose and how everything flowed and I think about it nearly every time I write. Those had been some of my biggest concerns that delayed me posting the first few chapters of the fic, so that comment really meant a lot.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I'd never really thought much about this tbh. I think a lot about how my writing will be perceived, but not so much about how I as a writer might be perceived. I care way too much about what people think of me irl so it's a nice break tbh

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I'm a stubborn bitch which means I'll keep rewriting and reworking a scene until I'm truly proud of it. There have been scenes I've had to change significantly or cut for various reasons, but not many I've scrapped entirely. I'm very persistant.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Honestly, pretty confident! I thoroughly enjoy re-reading what I've written, and all of the feedback I've gotten so far has been positive. It's been a boost to my irl mental health to have something I both enjoy and am good at outside of work, and it's nice for it to be something lower stakes than "keeping 5+ toddlers at a time from trying to kill themselves in the most creative ways possible". I love them, but it's a lot of pressure!

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Everything I write is something I've decided I might enjoy writing, but sometimes I write something and get really excited knowing my readers are going to love it. The other day I was editing an emotional scene and couldn't wait to show my beta reader because I knew she was going to love it.

No-pressure tags (sorry if any of you have done it already and I just didn't see lol): @bardic-inspo @pinkberrytea @locallegume @marlowethebard @kimberbohwrites

[starry-fantasies]

An Attempt to Clinically Analyze Sephiroth's Psychosis at Nibelheim

Sephiroth has fascinated me as a villain for a long time, but I’ve also struggled to “figure him out” for just as long. For all the simplicity of his villainous goals (i.e. become a god, destroy the world), it’s really the heart of his breakdown in Nibelheim that confounded me regarding his motives and the causal factors behind how he becomes what he becomes. I think Sephiroth's story can be interpreted in drastically different ways depending on how you see the explanations for his breakdown preceding the Nibelheim Incident. Not to mention, there’s the multiple retellings of the incident within the Compilation and the inconsistencies that come with it.

I’m still in the process of unraveling how to approach Sephiroth’s psychology, so this won’t be a regular analysis. Rather, this is mostly going to be a stream-of-consciousness type of piece, where I just let my thoughts flow. Definitely expect some stuff to sound rough or disjointed, and possibly some inaccurate facts due to my terrible memory (please let me know). Also, for the sake of the most updated canon, we will go with the Crisis Core version of events.

~Major FFVII and Crisis Core spoilers ahead~

Psychosis

Firstly, I want to address the clinical term that can describe what happened to Sephiroth at Nibelheim. I’ve heard people call it a mental breakdown or psychotic break, among other things. If we want to be consistent with the psychiatric language of the DSM-5, we would say that Sephiroth experienced the onset of a psychotic episode.

Psychotic episodes are a state of significant psychological disturbance that involves a loss of touch with shared reality. Historically, what we now know as psychotic episodes were once called madness or insanity. The duration of an episode affects what type of psychotic disorder would apply, but overall, psychosis can be either transient or continuous.

It’s hard to say which is the case for Sephiroth, specifically because of how his prognosis transforms pre- and post-Lifestream dip. Pre-Lifestream, it’s clear that he went into an abrupt and severe state of psychosis. Even though there were already warning signs prior to when he holed himself up in the Shinra mansion basement, Sephiroth’s behavior change still occurred in a short amount of time and marked a drastic change from the anguish and confusion he initially experienced upon first learning what Jenova is. He is experiencing a psychotic episode that marks a clear departure from his prior functioning.

Afterwards though, Sephiroth learns what Jenova truly is and makes a conscious decision to use its power and influence over the Lifestream for his own means. At this point, we can’t say that it’s a temporary condition. Not to mention, the question of how much Jenova is influencing Sephiroth also complicates how we understand Sephiroth’s psychology. At best, I would say that post-Lifestream Sephiroth is experiencing an ongoing psychotic disturbance.

Delusions

At the heart of Sephiroth’s turning point to villainy is a delusion, a fixed and false belief that is resistant to change even in the presence of contradictory evidence. Although I've seen it used a lot in casual contexts, delusions are in fact a clinical term for distorted beliefs. Essentially, delusions exist beyond reason and cannot be logically refuted. Delusions are a hallmark feature of psychosis, involving a resistance to the facts of reality that conflict with one’s beliefs.

There are several reasons that someone might develop a delusion. Obviously these reasons aren't always mutually exclusive, but I think what reason you attribute to Sephiroth's breakdown influences how you understand it.

Certain people are genetically predisposed to delusional thinking. Jenova. Injected in the womb. Supernatural prenatal development. Need I say more?

People come up with distorted ways of explaining the unexplainable. This is the type of thinking that is linked to an inclination for conspiracy theories. Sephiroth was searching for answers about his birth and origins, and with false, piecemeal information, he formed the erroneous conclusion that he was a Cetra. I wouldn't say this is the driving force behind his decision to burn down Nibelheim, but you can see the gateway to vengeance through this avenue.

People have trouble coping with life and preserving their self-esteem, therefore they use delusions to attempt to uphold it. This is the most sympathetic perspective, mainly because it boils Sephiroth down to the misunderstood savant that is mourning the loss of his self-worth. More on this later, since this is the angle I see portrayed most in Crisis Core.

People experience significant life stressors, such as low socioeconomic status, trauma, and drastic life changes that heavily influence how they perceive and understand the world. We could create a whole list of known or presumed "life stressors" in Sephiroth's life, but if we want to highlight a specific one, it would be the discovery of the Jenova Project files. It could be argued that it was deeply traumatizing to him, enough to rock his worldview.

Reasons aside, there are also several different types of delusions classified in the DSM-5. I think Sephiroth shows features of at least two types. You could say Sephiroth experienced a grandiose delusion, or what you might know as a delusion of grandeur. This is defined by the belief that one is extremely powerful or important. Sometimes it even takes on a religious bend, leading to the belief that one is omnipotent or holy. Sephiroth believed he was the last of the Cetra race, one that was more connected to and respectful of the planet compared to humanity. He was "the chosen one to rule this planet," someone exceptional and superior to everyone else.

You could also say that Sephiroth was experiencing a persecutory delusion. This is when someone believes he is "being conspired against, cheated, spied on, followed, poisoned, maliciously maligned, harassed, or obstructed in the pursuit of long-term goals." Sephiroth drew the conclusion that he had a duty to punish humanity for persecuting the ancient Cetra. He believed he had to pursue vengeance for Jenova and for Cetrakind. People with persecutory delusions tend to demonstrate significant anger and violent behavior, which also checks out with Sephiroth's subsequent decision to burn down Nibelheim.

Obviously, both the grandiose and persecutory delusions transform a bit when Sephiroth learns about Jenova's true nature as an extraterrestrial, not a Cetra. But that's a conversation for another time; remember, we're talking about the psychotic episode that became the gateway to Sephiroth's villainy. So, let's backtrack a bit and talk about how Crisis Core chose to lean into a sympathetic portrayal of Sephiroth's psychology.

Self-Concept

We still know very little about Sephiroth’s childhood and upbringing (although it looks like Ever Crisis may change that?), aside from several key facts. We know that he was born an experiment, having been injected with Jenova cells in the womb. We know he was essentially raised by Shinra and did not get to experience a normal childhood. He was known to be a prodigious fighter and was the reason that the SOLDIER program was created. As a teenager, he fought in the Wutai War and gained his status as a war hero.

This is all to say that though Sephiroth knew little of his childhood, he knew one thing for certain. He was a very good fighter, and a hero to Shinra. Sephiroth’s established self-concept revolves around this fact. He was likely praised and lauded for his wartime achievements, and even before then, we can presume that Shinra scientists noted him to be an exceptional fighter. He was the epitome of prestige and strength.

Let’s contrast that with the information he gains right before the Nibelheim Incident. When Sephiroth sees the monsters at the reactor and begins to question his connection to them, he began to mull over his identity and existence. Sephiroth knew he was unusual and exceptional even as a child, and he said so himself that he doesn't know what it was like to have parents or a hometown to speak of. Genesis then reinforces what Sephiroth feared, that he is a monster and a product of experimentation. He was told he was subhuman, repulsive, an abomination.

Sephiroth’s self-concept started as that of a prodigy, someone who is an extremely capable fighter. After the war in Wutai, he was labeled a war hero. Once he was led to believe that he was a monster, this shatters his worldview. He went from seeing himself as a prominent hero to seeing himself as subhuman. This is further driven by the fact that Sephiroth had already lacked answers about his origins and craved a sense of home, of parental warmth and connection. Because of this gap in his history, the premise that he was no more than a monster was eerily plausible. With his self-concept dramatically rocked, he was left starving for answers to what he is. This is what led him down the rabbit hole, seeking an explanation that would either tell him that he was not a monster, or that his initial self-concept can still be upheld somehow.

And thus, Sephiroth was in a vulnerable place where a grandiose or persecutory delusion can uphold his self-esteem and self-concept. If Jenova is truly the last of an ancient race, then Sephiroth is exceptional, not an abomination. If the Cetra had powers that humans didn't have, then Sephiroth was powerful, not just a monster. The delusion takes hold because it is something Sephiroth needed in order to preserve his worldview, his belief that he is special and important.

This is how Crisis Core gets you to sympathize with Sephiroth. He's painted as a lonely savant that lacked a home and a family, and so when he was told he was a monster, his self-concept was shattered and radically warped. In order for him to protect it, he needed to come up with a delusion that would uphold his understanding of the world. Sound familiar? I don't think it's a coincidence that Sephiroth's psychology here sounds parallel to Cloud's, especially since I've considered delusional disorder for them both.

It'll be a while before I gather enough thoughts to move onto how Sephiroth progressed from this state to his post-Lifestream-dip, Meteor-summoning, god-seeking self. But for now, I think this helps paint a picture of how I've been trying to conceptualize him.

[honoringthehorrific]

I watched Alien: Romulus and here's what I thought!

As always friends Spoilers under the cut!...👽

Gosh first can I apologize for not being as active recently? I've seen this movie 3 times and am just now getting to writing my review! Might as well torch me now! haha. Seriously though I'd like to stay active on this blog it's just hard to find stuff to talk about sometimes when I come away from these movies. I'd like to start this off by saying this is going to be a pretty glowing review. If you haven't seen Romulus, or any of the alien movies...What the hell are you doing here??? Get out! Go see it! If for some reason you cant get out and go see it please spare yourself spoilers until you can find it on streaming! This franchise from what i've seen so far is one of my favorites. If you love sci-fi, body horror, bad ass female leads, or slimy slithering creatures in general you should really give this one a chance.

I feel like a lot of people wanna talk about this so lets get it out of the way. Rook. The artificial person we meet when things start heating up. Obviously he is a CGI rendition of Ash's actor from the first movie Ian Holm. You may be screaming at me right now about ethics. How this took a job from an actor. How technology is bad because it's going to take work from actors. I hear you. I was on the fence about this too. In truth AI replacing human workers is a topic near and dear to my heart because it's something that worries me as an artist myself. However, Reading about how Alvarez got permission from Holm's widow. How Holm felt almost blacklisted from hollywood after so many years in the sci-fi and fantasy genres. It made my opinion of this soften. If that makes you disregard my review or even me as a person I understand. I'm happy I was able to give you my thoughts and that you gave me your time. Now, The CGI of Holm's face is....not the best? His eyes and mouth move strangely if you pay too close of attention however it was something I could easily ignore as the movie progressed. Overall however with the other effects I think this movie did very well! I loved the way the facehuggers looked and moved and we even got to see up close the egg laying...tube...thing? Forgive me I'm not well versed in facehugger anatomy. The chest burster actually having to work to burrow it's way out and the xenomorph's acid just all of it felt really great! I only very recently watched the second alien movie and I intend to watch the rest of the alien sequels in the near future so don't be upset with me! However it seems like if you've only seen the first two this one will make plenty sense. I've seen people complain about the pacing being really slow and the only thing I really have to say to that is...The first two movies, at least to me, felt equally as "slow." However I wouldn't necessarily say this is a slow movie! It kept me interested each step of the way. Usually I hate watching something that feels like it's dragging it's feet so I feel like if the movie were truly a drag someone with my attention span would have noticed. On the subject of noticing things this movie has a TON of fan service and nostalgia. There's quotes from the previous films, Visual references, and even a nod to the video game Isolation! Some people really lay on a lot of flack for that kind of thing but it's been 7 years since the last alien movie so it's kind of something I expected if that makes sense? Also If it's something I love, I'm usually a sucker for fan service! Yeah some of the quotes felt kinda off in the dialogue (Personally when Andy says he prefers the term artificial person, That felt like an off moment to me? I could be nit picking but it just felt like it didn't flow with the previous dialogue.) But over all I liked easter egg hunting on my second and third watch. In terms of characters there were some misses like Navarro where I really wanted to learn more about her but we don't really get the chance. We see and learn a lot about Andy and Raine's relationship as siblings but its hard to tell what the other's relationships are to each other until they outright say or are on their deathbeds.

Overall I liked the effects, the action, the pacing and the characters. It did fall flat in some spaces but honestly I think it's one of my favorite movies of the year next to Immaculate. 4.5/5 Facehuggers!