#I've known i have this in my calendar for 2 weeks now but

[notthestarwar]

I'm absolutely gonna be late now lol cause I wrote all that (and spent a long time just sitting there thinking about it (whoops)) before doing any of the stuff I need to do before I go get tortured for an hour (completely mundane prescheduled appointment with someone)

[spectersgirl]

Harvey and the reader get into an agrument (something juicy? About scottie?)at the office and she storms off.

And welcome to the perfect plot for part 2 of my mini-series! If you didn’t read part one, here it is

I didn't really proofread this too much so if you see something that doesn't make sense, no you didn't <3

This part is angst but it does have a happy ending

Something More (p2)

Harvey Specter x Reader

��——

It had been six months since that first night with Harvey, and ever since then he’d been nothing short of a perfect gentleman. He made it a point to always open the car door for you, made surprise dinner reservations after secretly checking your calendar, and you frequently came into your office to find flowers, breakfast, coffee, or just little notes from him. They were little things, but they were things that no guy had ever done for you before. You never exactly announced your relationship to the office, but everyone had mostly figured out that something had been going on.

"Oooh those are pretty, I wonder who those are from" Rachel teased as she walked into your office, nodding at the rather large vase full of flowers. She knew about you and Harvey, of course.

"Check out the card, it says it's from a secret admirer" You said, handing her the card that came with the flowers.

“For the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, I am so lucky to know you” she read the card aloud. "So I take it things are still going well with you two?"

"Honestly, things are really great. I know it’s pretty early still but, I can’t help but feel like this is the real deal. We've been opening up a lot to each other, he's been really sweet." You gushed.

"That's amazing! How did it go after he told you about Scottie? I mean I don't even know how I'd react"

You were puzzled, of course you knew about Scottie, everyone in the office knew about her and Harvey’s former relationship. For Rachel to bring her up like this, something else had to have happened.

"Told me... what about Scottie exactly?"

Rachel's froze, realizing that Harvey in fact had not told you about the recent development regarding his ex-girlfriend.

"Um, she's going up against Harvey on a case. She'll be in the office this week for a deposition. I'm sorry Y/N, I really thought you knew." Rachel apologized, feeling awful she had to be the one to break the news to you.

You’d known about his history with Scottie for a while now, he’d mentioned her to you and, through the work grapevine, you’d gathered that at one time Scottie meant the world to Harvey. The logical part of your brain knew that he wouldn’t leave you to go back her, but the fact that he hid it from you that she was coming into the office, gave you a pit in your stomach anyways.

"It's ok Rachel, don't worry about it. On an unrelated note, I'm going to see Harvey. Thanks for letting me know." You said, standing and smoothing out your dress before marching down to Harvey's office.

He looked up too briefly to notice the look on your face before he spoke.

"Hey babe, sorry I didn't come see you yet today, I've just been swamped."

"So swamped you couldn't seem to find the time to tell me you have a case against Scottie?"

"Excuse me?"

"Harvey, why did I have to find out about your ex-girlfriend coming into our workplace from someone who isn't you?" You pressed further, the anger bubbling inside your chest.

The look on Harvey's face was one you'd never seen pointed in your direction before, but you weren't about to back down.

"I didn't tell you because I didn't think it mattered!" He said, raising his voice now.

"Why would you think that wouldn't matter to me? You had a serious relationship with her and she's opposing counsel on your case, that's something you should at least consider sharing with the person you're dating!"

"What exactly do you think is going to happen in that room? I have work to do during a deposition, and the last thing that would ever be on my mind is sleeping with another woman who isn't you!"

"It isn't you I don't trust Harvey! How do you not see that? I don't know this woman, how could you expect me to trust her? I know she was in love with you, and I know that things have heated up with you two during cases in the past. I don't understand how you're blaming me for feeling like this."

He sighed, clearly irritated. He focused his attention back on the paperwork he had on the desk, not even bothering to look up at you as he spoke. His voice was quieter now, but still every bit as angry.

"I can't believe you're being this insecure over something so stupid. If you can't believe me when I say that I won’t allow anything to happen between me and Scottie ever again, then maybe we shouldn’t be together after all. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not that guy, and I thought you knew me better than that." He responded coldly.

You scoffed in shock. You couldn't believe he was actually serious in turning this around on you. Your stomach turned now.

"Insecure? Right, okay. You know what, why don't you call me when you have your shit together enough to figure out why I'm angry right now, and why that was fucked up of you to say." You said loudly, turning on your heel and storming off, back to your office.

You faintly heard him call your name as you walked, but you didn’t dare turn back, and he didn't follow either.

Not two minutes after you returned to your desk, Donna was in your doorway, a sheepish look on her face.

"Donna, it wasn't your fault." You said, not giving her a chance to even blame herself.

"I know, but I should've known he hadn't told you. I told him you'd want to know, I just figured maybe he'd listen for once." She explained.

You sighed, your eyes landing on the vase of flowers from that morning. Tears threatened to fall from your eyes, but you were fighting them hard.

"For what it's worth, he may be an ass but I know he cares about you, more than anyone I’ve seen him with. He can't see anyone else now that he's with you, I really wouldn't worry about Scottie. Harvey shouldn’t have said what he said to you, that was totally out of line. He’ll figure it out soon and probably come baring more flowers.”

The dam broke, and the tears fell. The hurt you still felt from Harvey’s words combined with Donna’s reassurances were too much.

"Thanks Donna" You said, sniffling.

She gave a sad smile before letting you know she had to get back to work, leaving you with a ‘hang in there’ as she departed.

You took a few deep breaths and wiped your tears before getting back to work, throwing yourself deep into your files. Maybe not the best coping mechanism, but it kept you busy enough to not think about Harvey. This worked for a little while, but slowly his harsh words would creep back into your mind, making you cry fresh tears all over again.

As time went on and the sun had long gone down, you felt your head start to pound. The time on your laptop showed 9:15 pm. You stretched a little, deciding to call it a night and head for home. It seemed that everyone else had left the office a while ago, if the silence of the halls rather than the typical hustle and bustle was any indication. The closer you got to the end of the hall, however, you heard music floating through the silence. If the office at the end of the hall belonged to anyone other than Harvey, you’d think this was the beginning of a ghost story about a haunted office building. The melody was somber. You walked forward, slower now, as you neared his office.

“Shit, why is he still here?” You thought. “He’s normally gone by 8 latest”

You stood there in the hall only inches from his door, debating on what to do. You knew he’d see you when you walked by, and even if he didn’t he would surely hear the elevator ding.

As you weighed the possible outcomes, you really had no time to react when you saw him suddenly walk out of his office, pausing too when he noticed you.

“Oh, Y/N. Hey, I was just coming to see if you were still here.”

“I was just going home.”

“Your home? Or mine?” He asked, in a tone that sounded like he didn’t want to know the answer.

You’d been sleeping at Harvey’s many nights since you started dating, in fact you weren’t even certain of the last time you’d slept in your own bed.

“Mine. After what you said to me, I don’t think I feel welcome at yours right now.”

It was only then that Harvey took in your appearance, and his heart dropped. You looked completely exhausted, the mascara on your eyes was long gone, and your cheeks and eyes were tinted red. He knew you’d been crying, and the look on his face was one of pure agony. He felt awful.

“I… Y/N I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Scottie. I just really didn’t think you’d care since I know how much I trust you. I lashed out and I yelled at you, and I shouldn't have done that. I didn’t think about your perspective, and I’m just so sorry. I never should’ve said that stuff to you" He said, slightly out of breath from his passion.

Tears openly fell from your eyes once again as you listened. You stepped forward, not responding. He reached for you, wiping the tears gently from your cheeks. You buried your face in his chest as he wrapped his arms around you firmly. He rested his chin on the top of your head, whispering how sorry he was.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked quietly after a moment of silence.

“Please”

He didn’t waste another second before locking your lips with his. The kiss was full of longing and despair.

“I thought I lost you, and it was all my fault. I've never felt like this about anyone else, and the second I realized what I did I felt sick that I made you feel that way. I didn't know what to do.” Harvey rambled.

“Shhh, Harvey, It’s okay now. I’m right here, and I'm not going to leave you.”

He sighed in relief, closing his eyes briefly before opening them again and looking into yours.

"What did I do to deserve you?"

"It helps that you're handsome." You said, a smile growing on your lips.

Harvey chuckled, placing a hand on your lower back and walking you into his office so he could grab his stuff and lead you to the elevators.

"I'd love to have you over tonight, but I understand if you're not ready."

You smiled, grabbing his hand and kissing the back of it.

"If you want me to come, then I'd love to come over"

"Good. I don't think I could've gone another minute without you"

[the-coffee-fandom]

❀。• *₊°。 ❀° 。。° ❀ 。° ₊ * •。❀

Hanahaki Hours

❀。• *₊°。 ❀° 。。° ❀ 。° ₊ * •。❀

Calendar by @the-coffee-fandom and inspired and encouraged by @boldlyanxious. Day Eight inspired by and dedicated to @tree-reads.

Welcome back to Hanahaki Hours! Hosted in the month known for its showers bringing flowers: May!

A week dedicated to a popular trope, Hanahaki Disease, which came along August 9th, 2008. It's a fictional disease in which a character coughs up flowers which grow inside them from unrequited love (or other creative interpretation).

How you use the prompts is up to your own creative interpretation! You can use the quotes, flowers, word, or all of them! Do one day, do the entire week, do a poem, a piece of art, drabbles and incorrect quotes, or even just a quick doodle. Have fun with it!

Need inspiration? Don't feel like researching flowers? Flower Symbolism has been premade! Slightly different from last years! Click here for the full list or click here for a master list if you only want one specific flower!

Open to any fandom, ship, pairing, or otherwise to use!

Tags for Tumblr:

#Hanahaki Hours 2024 #Hanahaki Hours

Tags for Ao3:

Hanahaki Hours 2024 Hanahaki Hours

the-coffee-fandom's Hanahaki Hours

Ao3 Collection:

https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Flower_Hours

Tag @the-coffee-fandom and reblog for others to see too! I will reblog any I'm tagged in!

Please feel free to reach out to @the-coffee-fandom however you'd like if you have any questions! Especially if you need more information on flowers.

Remember that if the days don't match your schedule, you can do these at any time! Collection stays open and prompts are always available!

Written out prompts below the cut!

May 7th:

Quote: "We don't all have happy endings."

Flower: Poppy

Word: Revival

May 8th:

Quote: "I'd like to stay here. With you."

Flower: Daisy

Word: Pastel

May 9th:

Quote: "Don't you think it's time to stop?"

Flower: Forget Me Not

Word: Fade

May 10th:

Quote: "They're my home."

Flower: Sage

Word: Keep

May 11th:

Quote: "If you leave now... that's it, you know."

Flower: Wolf's Bane

Word: Verse

May 12th:

Quote: "It's morning."

Flower: Avens

Word: Ice

May 13th:

Quote: "Cut it."

Flower: Peony

Word: Catch

Substitutes:

Quote 1: "I've never seen anything as beautiful as your eyes."

Quote 2: "I want to hear pretty lies."

Flower 1: Orchid

Flower 2: Narcissus

Word 1: Venom

Word 2: Arrival

Previous Calendars:

2023

[megumi-fm]

this fortnight in megumi.fm ▸ bye bye march👋

ft. unchecked ambition to recreate of the hardest Kpop dances (only in vain), lots of code debugging, and using Yeolpumta the wrong way

💻 Internship // progress tracker

-> detecting pockets in protein structures using 3diff pipelines -> finding consensus pockets using outputs of pipelines -> pocket alignment of protein models by structural alignment with a set of known binding site structures -> read base paper -> weekly presentations [2/2] besides these tasks I've been trying to modify all my code files such that they can run directly from the system terminal (i hate edge cases and this entire process has taken years off my life) so that I can upload it on github

🎓 Uni Stuff

-> charted out a timeline for master's applications deadlines and related work

👟 Kpop dances!!

completed! 🔥bye bye ankles ⇒ I'd started this way before I messed up my ankle and then I abandoned it but we are so back... I picked it up last week and finally! it is done. 💪 bts' magnum opus ⇒ the main challenge is ensuring to hit every beat at the right speed and my rendition is still far from refined but hey. atleast my moves have developed some fluidity currently <3 🧢 left, right and just vibes ⇒ really needed a breather after the first two dances and now I'm here xD although the main reason I picked this dance was bc I loved the part switch version and all the references // ✅chorus + prechorus ⚡ crush...ing my motivation ⇒ so much for taking a breather. I've been obsessed with this song and I tried to start learning it and... four seconds- that's how much I've learnt in past three days. but the satisfaction when I got those four seconds? immeasurable. // ✅1st chorus pt1/3

💿 Other Things This week

📅 started my 18day habit challenge! by which I simply mean I'm using Yeolpumta as a daily tracker app rather than a study app and I'm loving it <3 I get excited seeing different colours marked on the daily calendar and as a consequence I've been more productive lately :D 🍊 been eating healthier! lots of fruit and water intake and I've also been learning to cook! 📖 The Myth of Sisyphus <3 I don't read a lot of non fiction but this piece is hella intruiging and I'm having a lot of fun 🍕 Lunch with the besties [x2] 🎰 Gaming Arcade shenanigans yet again 🎆 Fest at Uni! One of the best bollywood singers of all time showed up and he sang bangers from our childhood; we had a blast 🎧 lots and lots of kpop and for some reason I keep coming back to Advice by Taemin

[ 18th - 31st Mar; week 13+14/52 || and with that, 1/4th of this year is done. I'm pretty satisfied with how I how i spent the past two weeks, hopefully I'm able to stay consistent 🤞]

[pharawee]

🖇️BL WATCHLIST JULY

🎬The Rebound - GAGAOOLALA - I love this way more than I thought I would (even if the 2 eps per week schedule is stressing me out already).

🎬Century of Love - GAGAOOLALA - I love everything about this show.

🎬Knock Knock, Boys! - GAGAOOLALA - I love this show so so so much!

🎬This Love Doesn't Have Long Beans - IQIYI (region-locked) | YOUTUBE - I didn't expect this to be so unhinged but I'm all for it.

🎬Wandee Goodday - YOUTUBE - gmmtv just isn't doing it for me right now and sadly this show isn't the exception I'd love it to be. :(

🎬SunsetxVibes - IQIYI - Mos as a naga, Lin hallucinating a whole hook-up, JJ with the best faces... we're off to a good start I'd say.

🖇️CALENDAR (THAI BL ONLY)

🖇️UPCOMING

⭐I Saw You in My Dream - WeTV - I trust Dee Hup with my life. But also Putter my beloved!

���4 Minutes - VIU - It's kind of strange how almost nothing is known about this even though it comes out so soon. I'm not hyped but I'll watch. 🤞

⭐Battle of the Writers - YOUTUBE - This isn't my cup of tea at all. I might not watch even if I really like the actors.

⭐Make a Wish - YOUTUBE - This short series with JudoFluke (and Pon) released a year ago but never got an interrelease. Supposedly it's coming to yt soon with English subs and I'm so excited!

🖇️FINISHED

🎬OMG! Vampire - WeTV - This sure was a series, huh? 🥴

🎬My Stand-In - IQIYI - Turns out this whole series is one giant trigger for me and I probably shouldn't watch it. I'm trying though - for glimpses of Winner and for the overall quality of the production. I've decided to stay away from fandom things for now because I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. :(

➕ MDL | ABOUT | ALL WATCHLISTS | COMMENTARY & NEWS TAG | THAI BL NOVELS | BL INDUSTRY | UPCOMING | SPOOKY BL

[elbiotipo]

One of the things almost nobody (in well known settings anyways) messes with in their worldbuilding is the calendar and the time.

Sure, they always change the eras (making a new year 0 or a bunch of eras with dramatic names is like baby's first fantasy worldbuilding) or sometimes the names of the days or the months (2 Turdas of Last Seed is still funny to me), but the 365 days year, 7 days week, 24 hours day is almost always there in a way or another. There is NO reason why ANY other worlds would have to have the same time as Earth, any at all.

In a way I completely understand even if my worldbuilding passion because it would get confusing really quickly. Time is perhaps one of the most ingrained measurements we have in modern times. Which is still strange because while all humans get the same 24 hours, the concept of fixed hours and times like we have today has only become widespread during the industrial revolution. The calendar was a useful invention and one that really helped farmers with... everything, not to mention that holidays and keeping track of them was always a priority in pre-industrial times, so it's not exactly a modern thing. Cultures without writing also kept track of the passage of time: there's an historical culture from Argentina I've studied that kept track of the years by the flowering of trees. But before the widespread availability of clocks, most people used "dawn", "morning", "midday", "afternoon" and their equivalents to tell time, rather that fixed hours

And one still has to wonder how all this will work in space. Spaceships will probably still have the 24-hour day from Earth, but with planets that have days lasting from Earth-hours to Earth-years. Don't even ask me about relativity.

But still, it would be fun to read or play something and then you're struck with "it's 34 o' clock at night".

this post is full of holes because I'm a little drunk right now, will return to this concept later

[henrysglock]

A Little Catholic Calendar Math for March 1959

Something I can't believe I didn't do earlier, especially regarding my book of revelation post (here) is the calendar math on the Creel murders for both Henry and Edward.

Specifically, I want to talk about Easter of 1959.

As we know, Edward's murders occurred late on March 21st, 1959, and the bodies were discovered the next morning: March 22nd, 1959.

(lifted from Em's post here)

Can we guess what that Sunday was? Anyone?

It was Palm Sunday.

Palm Sunday being when Jesus enters Jerusalem, marking the beginning of Holy Week.

It also happens to be the day Edward would have officially been entered into HNL.

Interestingly, the Saturday before Palm Sunday is known as Lazarus Saturday, as it marks the day when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead as proof that he would be resurrected when the time came.

A miracle of resurrection...on the night of Edward Creel's murders. (Staring at El's resurrection powers, featured front and center in ST4...)

Now, as we also know, the Creel boys ended up in a week-long coma:

That next Saturday is Holy Saturday, also known as Black Saturday or Easter Vigil...

...Commemorating Christ's descent into Hell.

—cough cough—

Anyway.

Edward, then, would have woken up on Easter Sunday:

...making his story an altered version of the resurrection of Christ.

That was Edward. Now, let's talk about Henry.

Henry's murders took place the night of Wednesday, March 25th, 1959, and the bodies were discovered the next day: Thursday, March 26th, 1959.

Holy Wednesday and Holy Thursday respectively.

What's so special about Holy Wednesday?

Holy Wednesday, also known as Spy Wednesday, is the day that Judas betrayed Jesus.

The bodies, then, were discovered on Holy Thursday, the last mass before Easter.

Then Henry, like Edward, has his coma. However. This seven-day coma means that Henry does not wake up on Easter Sunday.

He wakes up on April Fools.

He's a false Christ. He's not the droid we're looking for.

None of these dates line up again until...you guessed it: 1986

Chrissy dies on March 21st, Friday of Sorrows. She's found on March 22nd, Lazarus Saturday. Fred dies on Lazarus Saturday. Max is cursed on March 23rd, Palm Sunday. Patrick dies on March 25th, Holy Tuesday. Max falls into a coma on March 27th, Holy Thursday. The full gang meets up after the 2 day jump: March 29th, Black Saturday.

Season 5 will pick up after March 30th: Easter Sunday, 1986.

All of this corroborates what I've been saying since March: We've got a holy trinity, but it's not the one you think it is.

As I laid out in my Book of Revelation post, Edward/Vecna/001 has a frankly insane amount of Catholic God coding.

Here are some highlights, if you don't want to read the entire thing:

Our Holy Trinity, in Stranger Things, is likely Edward, Brenner, and the Shadow. Christ the Son, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit.

And all of this...with Henry and El as false/failed Christs, scapegoats for the real deal (see: El being blamed for both One and Vecna's murders, when in fact she's been standing against both the entire time).

This post also serves as my retraction re: Will as Christ. (Gasp! James retracting a statement? Say it ain't so...) I'd like to send the statement in another direction, because this isn't me saying that Will is unimportant. While, in my opinion, Will is not a part of our big Holy Trinity...I personally see him as a prophet, much like St. John of Patmos, rather than one of the Big 3. That's not to say I'm staunchly against him as a Christ figure, but it just doesn't hit quite right for me anymore.

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a rainy day

10pm, sunday, nov 26, 2023

went to a gig for a friend's band last night, but otherwise it's been an extremely lowkey and indoor weekend. living that housecat lifestyle. aside from the sunday scaries (but, like, for the semester....for the year....) all in all the past week+ has been Okay. whoever is in charge of my calendar (which is me) made a pretty big gamble booking three-four medical-esque appointments back-to-back-to-back this week, but it paid off, we got through it, and the decks are cleared (so to speak) for writing between now and the holidays.

reading i got briefly very into freya marske's books a marvellous light and now a restless truth, though i will admit to having calmed (slowed) down a lot in reading the sequel, after tearing through the first one like there was a deadline. the world building and magic system are very fun, i am a big fan of the aesthetic; they're extremely sexy but not at the expense of plot or dialogue or characters' having their own real personalities, flaws and hobbies and all. excited to read the third one.

listening a quick skim of the previous few ilcb entries (have there really only been three all fall, dear me) to check i hadn't already posted this, and it doesn't seem like it? so, gregory alan isakov with the colorado symphony. the additional strings, the additional brass, it adds such a gorgeous dimension to this already pretty good song; the way things build from 1:20 on or so, to burst into full color and light from 1:59 to 2:14.... i've turned a few afternoons around lately just leaning into that orchestra swell in my headphones. wish it lasted a full 10 minutes, wish it had multiple movements.

watching more burrow's end; finished arcane season 1 with @hematiterings and began watching the first season of stranger things since she's never seen it; the nostalgia and affection i feel! the real satisfaction in how good season 1 is, how young they all are!! also started season 2 of slings and arrows with the housemates, which is new territory for me and which is similarly filling me with affection for characters i've known a long time, and fascination at seeing them doing new things and making new bad decisions. also started the second season of wheel of time on my own, as background while doing some unpaid graphic design/newsletter prep; my gratitude for this show making something so rich and visually interesting and real out of the books is unabated, even though i'm not feeling anyone's storyline very intensely at the moment. rand meeting logain was cool; perrin has been captured and that's bad; mat is now traveling with min, which is also cool because it's probably a set-up; i'm sorry that nynaeve had such a hard time in the arches but her romance subplot with lan has always left me extremely cold; moiraine is being frustrating! the show has a nice way of showing us other characters, minor characters, too-- moiraine's sister, for one, and starting that encounter by showing us her sister's morning routine, clarifying the difference in their ages where one is aes sedai and aging very, very differently. egwene and the daughter heir are in a magical boarding school subplot which is surprisingly delightful.

playing dnd campaign a had a session for the first time in aaaaages not too long ago, and it was good. spoke to the gods briefly, got started trying to appease them with sports as opposed to human sacrifice, and ended the night beta testing a phone-based game a friend of the dm's wanted us to try which involved a lot of bluffing and bs and laughter. campaign b, meanwhile, is in combat with some were creatures; @dimir-charmer's character has maintained this whole time that she is Not a Werewolf but circumstances may be, in fact, conspiring against her...... worrying!

making not a whole lot. i bought a box of cards since the closest thing i've come to a hobby recently has been sending a few cards (well, one and a half); i feel the pull of stickers and sealing wax and stamps.... wandered through an art supply store only a little while ago and came so close to buying the vinyl stamp making kit, but the only paint i could find to go with vinyl stamps was metallic so i decided to wait. contemplating making potato stamps, like i do every year around this time, but again the ink or paint or whatever is the limiting factor there.

working on taught my second and final guest lecture of the semester! read back through the written feedback on my conference paper! have started to look at integrating said paper back into the chapter whence it came, and had to have a little lie-down, but that's the big project remaining. at the same time, the running commentary at the back of my brain is about lecture prep for the course i'm teaching in the spring, specifically, what i'll say to situate/contextualize/prepare students to handle the material, how i'll thread various needles, which texts i'm going to ultimately assign, and on and on. i've started trying to turn this background noise into brainstorming/writing/limited, focused bursts of work on said course, in the hopes that getting a little of it out of the way will let me brain settle back in to other projects afterwards. i've also realized i've started doing the Discretionary stuff first, i.e. the reading extra articles, the looking at post docs or awards or things to apply for, the stuff that won't happen if i don't allow myself 15 min to look into it, because the Actual Work will be enforced, it will have to happen eventually, and the discretionary stuff won't. jury's very much out as to whether this will pay off, especially when it's not discretionary work at all, but discretionary attending-a-lecture time, or -coffee-with-a-friend time, or discretionary-at-the-gym time. time spent with the cat, of course, is non-discretionary.

[venusinsilk]

How did your 3 date weekend go?

A couple weeks ago I had 3 dates in 24 hours and tbh I'm not doing that again bc it was exhausting. Didn't have sex with any of them, just talked and got to know them. I'm really jumping into the deep end so to speak-- I've been single for 2 months, I decided to download a dating app and I ended up overbooking my calendar, expecting people to flake. And guys did flake during the week, but these 3 happened to be back to back. This is a problem I have with not being realistic about my own time and energy. Which is why I'm not doing it again! Anyway,

1st date was Friday night after work. He took a 45 min Uber to my neighborhood to meet me. I didn't know him prior to this. He was nice and we had a good convo. I bought the first round, then we bar crawled a bit and ended up at a karaoke spot that was almost empty... I sang 3 songs badly and he was turned on LOL he hugged me close after I got off stage and said "feel this" lmao I thought it was so funny that my god awful singing did it for him. I had 1 more date with him since then and decided I don't have chemistry with him, I'm going to let him know today or tomorrow that we'll go our separate ways.

The following morning I had a coffee date with another guy, he was kind of a spiritual yogi type. I was hungover and wearing last night's makeup. He was nice and very intelligent, with an interesting background. We discussed self help and journaling, yoga, drugs, and we shared our histories... I didn't feel chemistry with him either, and after I finished my coffee I thanked him for meeting me and went on my way. We texted a bit since then but the convo naturally ended and I think he's perceptive enough to understand that we aren't meeting again. If he reaches out again, I'll tell him I don't want to go out again.

3rd date was with an acquaintance I've known for around 5 years. We have a few mutual friends, so I'm on extra good behavior and I'm very careful with how I handle this because going into it, I'm not sure that there's a romantic connection for us. This is my 2nd date with him, he took me to dinner at the beach near his apartment and we went for a walk and a comedy show after (he writes comedy for a living and does stand up himself, sitting next to him at a stand up show was fun) I had a great time and after we went back to his place and made out on his couch... he told me he's had a crush on me for a while, I told him I just want to see where things go naturally and I'm not looking for anything serious. I was on my period so I let him know, and I went home. I did end up calling him a few days later to tell him I see him as a friend and I don't want to date anymore, but he's an amazing person and I was careful about how I went about telling him my thoughts. He took it well, and agreed we would just be friends... then he called me back 15 min later to ask, "Logistically speaking, we're still going to hook up, right?" I was so surprised, I stuttered for half a minute before I blurted out "Uh, uh, I don't want to!" Smh.... it wasn't awkward before, but now it fucking is!!

All of this is new to me and I'm trying so hard to be open with everyone about what I feel and not ghost anyone. Sorry this is so long and apologies to anyone who saw this long post on their dashboard and found it boring as fuck or contrived. It's my life!!!

[cheshiregrinfu]

I'm dumping my calendars here bc I've been back on this shit again and have no one to talk about my calendars with

(Please talk to me about my calendars I'm begging you, you will not be a bother i promise i am sending you psychic mind waves telling you to ask about my calendars)

Also if any of this is confusing I don't mind explaining!!!

There's three calendars in one world I've been making, the lunar and solar calendars both running on a 365 set due to reasons

Our current months don't make much sense, and I've tracked down and compiled their original names;

----------------------------------------------------------------------

January is named after Janus, the Roman god of beginnings and endings. Fairly fitting!

February is named after a Roman purification festival called februa, which occurred around the fifteenth of this month. Februa literally means ��month of cleansing”

March is supposedly named after Mars, the Roman god of war.

There are a few different theories about where April gets its name. Some believe that April is derived from the Latin base apero – meaning “second” – because it was once the second month of the year. Others say it comes from another Latin word, aperire, which means “to open” like the opening of buds and flowers during springtime. Still others claim that April was named for Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, beauty, and procreation.

May is named for the Greek goddess Maia.

June is named after Juno, the wife of Jupiter and queen of the gods.

July was the birth month of Julius Caesar, for whom the month was renamed following his death in 44 B.C. Previously, July was called “Quintilis,” which is Latin for “fifth” and referred to the fact that, with the calendar year beginning in March, July was the fifth month.

August is the only other month named after a historical figure – Augustus Caesar, who was the nephew of Julius Caesar and the first emperor of Rome. Much like July, August was previously called “Sextilius,” meaning – you guessed it – “sixth.”

September, October, November, and December come from the Latin words septem, octo, novem, and decem, meaning “seventh,” “eighth,” “ninth,” and “tenth.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Now i wanted to make a new calendar set on the 12 month idea, but now with (mostly) latin counting base of 1 through 12, and starts on the season change, instead of randomly in the middle of winter.

Lunar

1/Unusilius (30) [Start of spring/New years day, starts on equivalent of March 20th]

2/DuosIlius (31)

3/Tresilius (30)

4/Quattorilis (31) (Start of Summer)

5/Quintilis (30)

6/Seitilius (30)

7/September (30) (Start of fall)

8/October (31)

9/November (30)

10/December (31) (Start of Winter)

11/Undecember (30)

12/Duodecember (31) (New years eve)

October and November both have Hallows eve (oct 31) and day (nov 1), as I've extended it to be two days bc i really like Halloween. In universe these are the days of preparation and protection as all sorts of undead come to life on hallows day, so hallows eve is people preparing food, shoring up their homes, ect.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

now there's also the solar calendar, which i haven't finished naming, but works on an 8 month system, having 45 day months except for the first and last months, which have 46 days, so it looks kinda like this

1/Early Spring (46)

2/Late spring (45)

3/Early summer (45)

4/Late Summer (45)

5/Early Fall (45)

6/Late Fall (45)

7/Early winter (45)

8/Late winter (46)

i was thinking of having them known as Novus Ver/ Vetus Ver ect but that seems a bit much and I'd prefer each month as one word like with the lunar calendar

Ver/Istas/Autumnus/Hiems being spring/summer/autumn/winter, and novus/vetus being early/late

I'm not sure if I want even weeks in this, such as 9 5 day weeks or 5 9 day weeks

----------------------------------------------------------------------

and finally there's the third calendar, which uses the lunar/solar calendars as a basis, known as the celestial calendar. Gods use this instead of the mortal calendar, and each 'Month' is a mortal decade

This calendar is 5 months long, or half a mortal century. I don't have names for what these months are, or how many 'days' make up these celestial months, or how long those days are

[i-did-not-mean-to]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Ah, my dear @cilil has tagged me, and I'll try to do at least one Tumblr thing today. I had hoped that I'd have more time this weekend!!! This week was madness...I swear!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

391 (and yes, I am one of those who put between 7 and 133 different ficlets into one work to keep the number of individual works down).

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,800,713 (this does not include 2 longfics I've orphaned and several fics I've posted anonymously)

(but I've been writing since July 2021)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Tolkien, roles played by Richard Armitage, roles played by Adam Brown, the odd Dean O'Gorman fic for @laurfilijames, 1 Lucifer fic...)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Tumblr Imagines (it's a collection of ficlets from when I started and has over 200k)

October 2022 Ficlet run (Yeah, as I said, I don't post all my fics separately)

Black (Local folkore meets The Hobbit retelling

Silm imagines and ficlets (Again, a 50k+ collection)

"The only way is up" or "thrice stuck" (Smutty dream sequence with Thorin)

These are mostly my first writings which had had time to amass some few kudos :D

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always!

It takes me a while sometimes, but I need people to know how much I love and appreciate their support! I love every comment, and I truly wish I was a little better at expressing myself when it comes to these things <3

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I honestly do not remember...Probably, Love letter to the man you've never got to be.

I usually don't do much angst 😇

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Very hard to say because I don't finish too many of my long fics lol. I'd want to say Sticks and stones (Christmas Hallmark story)...it's just that kind of story.

My TRSBs are usually "Happy End given the circumstances" rather than all-out Happy End...lol

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thus far, no.

I am not relevant or known enough to attract that kind of attention!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Me? No...(There have been spicy scenes in long fics, spicy fics, outrageous ficlets, Kinktober, Dead Dove December, MSV...Ok yeah, I do...and I do all of it. M/F, F/F, M/M, M/F/M...from vanilla to whips. You choose, I write)

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I am an AU bitch. I've done a HP drabble once...Les Mis/LOTR for last year's Christmas event...it happens...

Right now? Twilight Crack parody for a good friend :D

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so? Who would steal trash?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nobody has ever approached me...

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes...Once for last year's S&D, I am doing it now for the Calendar fic...I love collaboration, what can I say?

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Ship-ship? Russingon.

OC ship? Ori x OC

Rarepair? Nerdanel x Anairë

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Black - It's one of my first fics...and I've never written that last chapter.

I am also known for having written chapters and chapters of other longfics but just...never posting them lol

16. What are your writing strengths?

I am fast, I am versatile, and I am willing to write almost any character, dynamic, ship, and genre. From tooth-rotting fluff to noncon. From very vanilla M/F meet-cute to kinky sex.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I am bad at punctuation. I rarely have an outline, I just write. I do not plan, I do not come up with complicated worldbuilding, I have exactly 0 HC documents.

I just write whatever comes to mind.

Moreover, I have a real problem with posting. I write A LOT more than I post...because I just can't motivate myself to reread LOL

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I avoid even Tolkien's languages for fear of getting something wrong. I am fluent in at least 3 other languages, but I am not entirely sure whether there would ever be a place for them.

If I did that, I am afraid that it would become incomprehensible as the only one I wouldn't use is my mother tongue. It would sound a bit...magniloquent...

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Tolkien. Only fandom thus far...

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

I don't know. Every so often, I write something I don't hate, but I can't remember right now loool

Open tag for everyone who hasn't done this yet :D

Tell me something about yourselves!

[insectsinsects]

December is always really vivid to me. I hadn't had a memorable July till this year but winter months seem to carry everything and more about a year. Maybe to it's detriment? It's overwhelmed with thoughts and greetings and travel and metamorphosis? I wonder if those guys who don't use the Gregorian calendar are forced to feel it too. Just the majority of people worrying and smiling and maybe it's a regular Tuesday for them?

Anyway 6 Decembers ago was my first Christmas away from home. I'd spent the summer carelessly and I was tired from boarding school. I think I've always been reckless and volatile, though I feel I am perceived as a stable element. Careless summer was spent driving around my hometown with a funny girl who I knew from choir and we were twitter mutuals. The brutal semester was spent with a person who'd patiently sit down with me and share the ways in which they loved physics. And of course, my parents came down and I hadn't been 4 months separated from them but I was used to their presence after 16 years so it was actually nice.

5 Decembers ago I was unknowingly allied with a future friend's enemy O_O She'd sit on my couch in my dorm and played the role of a wise confidant, as an upperclassman. I hope nothing was ever malicious but oomf did come to hate her next semester for fine reasons so? 😭 Her birthday is tomorrow, and I've always remembered that Saggitarian... And honestly by sometime that year I had begun avoiding physics person (on brand..) and I wrote a time capsule email about it (to myself in 5 year's time!) because I didn't have a blog and because I wanted to see if I could possibly get over it (I did!!!) I was a bit afraid of spotty wifi in the Philippines, so I submitted college apps 3 weeks early LMAO Victoria was waiting on a job offer from her boss who we'd come to learn was a little terribe, but that same night she was confirmed and moved to DC a week after we came back from that trip to the motherland.

4 Decembers ago?! I had met the newest crop of friends I was going to make. New York was so fun. Everything endless and memorable. Flying back used to be tough! They only introduced nonstop flights to Oklahoma like last year😑 But I flew out early and away from my beloved suitemates, my terrible roommate, my friends on other floors, classmate-turned-oomf, and so much more.

3 Decembers ago I'd been attending a different university since NYU was being stingy😭 OU actually treated me so well omg and my classes were fun. I guess by December I was wrapping up but I took a class on film music and I would joyously write an essay about some movie music each week and my professor just littered it with happy comments. I think she was glad I read the textbook and was enthused to learn. Also two weeks later, I got my whole head bleached and my hair was pretty long (not really, but Rapunzel-like to ME and probably if you've only ever known me with a bob/wolfbob). Also (2) I was in the Gensh*n pits (I don't want it in the tags...)

2 Decembers ago! My sister and her now husband were engaged and the three of us went on a mini-roadtrip to Dallas 😭 I like Garrett, he's like if a father figure was considerate... and Kathryn's got 17 years of light parentification on her belt ☠️ Garrett and I got XL Blizzards from DQ and almost died finishing them. Oh they also saw me get my roots done :O Barber cut it way too short but maybe it was cute. Junior year was so funny and cute💖 I worked hard and I was back home pretty late due to a stats final (Bombed)

Last December I spent my last week with my last set of randomized roommates and my friends! This was a funny time of year. I did a crazy amount that last week and in many ways it was a bender (Avatar in 4D cocktail☠️) but I do know oomf (yes you!) was the last person I saw. We played Minecraft on your Xbox after I obtained a second controller over Thanksgiving. We drank tall boys? I checked into my flight easily and I went home anxiously. I wonder if I could've seriously applied to school back then (Because it was lowkey not that serious lol) [actually I should be forced to reckon with my tantrums and the many times per week I was like IT'S OVER..] but I hadn't applied to school! And I was nervous to tell my parents that though I was a big investment, I was a failure. I cut my bangs too short on December 18 and hid it under a hat for a week till it grew a little more. I felt weird having red hair in Oklahoma, though it was cool to my contemporaries? My mom was sad knowing how much grief the thoughts were causing me. She told me I should rely on her more and talk to her. It's taken me all of the ensuing year to really be good about that advice. It's just easier to fail myself. I had tunnel vision— the potential for shame was only accompanied by a sense of pity and contempt. I genuinely couldn't believe my family would continue loving me. I drank with my dad so we wouldn't talk about anything real, and I painted with my mother to divert from the chaos.

[itsthebpdformee]

Today I felt nothing but engulfing waves of sadness.

It's my birthday. A day I usually love, a day dedicated to yours truly, full of love and appreciation and a consistent splattering of validation.

I don't know why today felt so different at 28. The last 2 weeks probably didn't help, usually I would plan a party, fill my calendar with brunches, friend dates and family get togethers. This year I didn't, because some weeks ago I fell into a depression spiral & didn't feel like making any plans. I didn't feel like partying or seeing people so I kept it basic. Now my birthday has arrived I do feel pangs of regret about that, but overall I just feel an empty sadness.

Saturday - the first time I have properly seen my dad since the breakup, that wasn't him crying telling me how suicidal he felt and how much he had messed up. Agreeing to meet him was so difficult but something I felt I had to do and get out of the way. It was torturous, although I told people after it was ok. Lily's, chocolates, fudge - my favourites. Trying to buy my love aka the only way he's ever known how.

Saturday evening was nice I can't deny that, Thai with a wonderful friend & her husband & my other half. We laughed, we drank, I felt normality.

Sunday came, my other half of course wrote a lovely card & got me an amazing gift which of course was lovely & I know I should feel so loved but I just felt somewhat deflated. Missing cards from people, no cards or gifts from friends, which sounds incredibly bitter & shitty of me, but I go out of my way to make thoughtful loving gifts for my nearests and dearests and to open nothing felt like all my friends' clearly hate me. For the first time ever my brother hadn't even bothered to get me a card, instead it was from my mum, with a card she had dug out from a forgotten pile in the last second. He hasn't spoken to me all day other than a insta collage he nonchalantly posted at 5:50pm. My nan was too poorly to join for a birthday dinner. Everything felt incomplete. Our reservation took over 45 minutes before we were seated, we waited a total of 3 hours start to finish. My mum and grandpa left midway. I smiled & tried to make conversation throughout but eyes glaring at me could see through the front I was clearly putting on.

I have to go back work tomorrow after two weeks off from stress and the dread is insurmountable.

I know this is the wingiest post I've ever written, I sound so ungrateful but I just can't shake the feeling of being incredibly unloved on a day I usually feel full of love.

Oh and I watched Attack on Titan and the death made me sob. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day day...

[anniekong]

1) I saw the job posting and expressed my interest in applying to S.

2) S knows the hiring manager and makes the introductions via email. ( I've also reached out to others who may know him to gain insights)

3) Admin schedules the introductory meeting on the same day-it was a snow day too

4) I went to this initial introductory meeting a little underprepared to meet M

5) I went home and worked late that night. E saw that I was online and we had a quick catch up call. I told him about my day and my job search process and it turns out that M was his mentor during his time in the US. E offers to put in a good word for me.

6) I wrote a thank you note to M and inquired about the predecessor to learn more about the role.

7) It was SA and I write him a cold email and set up an initial call. I met with him to gain further insights on the role such as the day to day.

8) S puts in a good word for me explaining my performance rating in 2022 but M expresses his concerns due to lack of marketing experience and leadership skills.

9) I applied for the job and resumed working.

10) I went to Zurich to give a workshop and I saw the interview meeting pop up on my calendar for the following week. It’s a panel interview of three people in total. I shared the news with J who was co-hosting the workshop with me. She was extremely happy for me and offered to help shape my stories during my time in commercial operations. "All you have to be is yourself," she said. I wish it was that easy. We are both big believers that things happen for a reason so a rejection would not be the end of the world.

11) Exhausted after a long week, I crafted and practiced my stories on the plane ride back and continued to practice until the night before. ( Everything from my tone, hand gestures, eye contact, eyebrow twitch etc).

12) It was D-day and my first hybrid interview. I have not had an in- person interview since 2019. I had to balance looking at the screen and addressing the folks in the room. It started out well just as I've practiced. However, I was stump on questions like why should we pick you over someone else, what does success look like for you in this role, most people start from sales and work their way up to global/corporate- why are you going in the other direction, what do you hope to deliver in 18 months. I must’ve looked like a deer in headlights. They were asking me what my favorite color was and I answered 28. The interview took an hour vs the initial 45 mins meeting, which further portrayed how inefficient I was in conveying what they wanted to hear. They were challenging me and I wasn’t given them the right answers. I might have redeemed myself with the questions I’ve asked towards the end but felt defeated completely.

13) I was pretty sure I didn’t get the job at this time and shared my experiences with my work besties starting with I and sharing the questions that had stumped me and my tired and jet lag brain. “The why would they choose you is a personal branding question! You are supposed to showcase your strengths”, she said. Well it makes sense now, since you put it like that wishing that I had known that 20 minutes earlier. I took it as a learning opportunity.

14) The day after, S asked how the interview went. The corporate response for I bombed it is "This helped me understand the level of detail that is necessary to really standout in those interviews."

15) I caught up with N at the cafe and M sees me and waves at me walking in one direction. S comes walking from the opposite direction and they meet in the middle. S had asked how the interview went then and there…not awkward at all. (I found out about this later but somehow I had a feeling they were talking about me and shared my uneasiness feelings with N since it was too soon!)

16) S shared that he’s still interviewing and there’s a McKinsey consultant that they are also considering. Well that's nice… I thought. He/she will definitely be a thousand times more polish than me. S also recommended that I ask L to reach out to M to endorse me on my performance.

17) I’ve never done this before and had to double check with someone who has worked with HR to see if this is normal (I realized how risk adverse I am during this process). She convinced me that it's not only normal, but a necessity when applying internally. I wrote an email to L, having saw her and caught up with her in the office the day before.

18) L replied and to my surprise, said she was proud that I was asking for endorsement when most people shy away from it. She mentioned that she had already put in a good word for me.

19) I started applying for other jobs because I was coming to terms with not getting the job.

20) S follows up with M the following week. I’m embarrassed at this point because he was pushing for an answer and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have an answer because I got rejected.

21) 8 days from the interview date, I’m sitting at lunch with a neighboring finance team and shared my interview experience during this busy time at work. When I got to my desk, M pings me and asked if I have time to chat. I replied asap and he called me right away.

22) “I got some feedback for you,” he said. “I welcome any feedback you have,” I replied, having already made peace with myself that I will have to resume the job hunt. “ You got the role,” he said….and I haven’t stopped smiling since that moment.

I wanted to highlight the amount of effort it took to apply for one role. I could have easily gotten rejected and this process would have to occur again before I land on my next role.

I understand the power of networking, sponsorship and personal branding.

Although the future is exciting, I’m even more touched by the amount of people who are willing to help me, expecting nothing in return throughout this process- most notably, all of my sponsors ( S, L, A & E), E who is an informal mentor to me, D who consistently sent me job postings, AD who offered to help with interviewing, I connecting me to everyone she knows on the Global Oncology team. The countless number of coffee chats with the oncology marketing team who took time out of their day to educate me with nothing to gain.

I pinged I when I received the good news and she was so happy and excited for me. "You did all the magic," she said. "Not at all, it felt like a teamwork." It sure wasn't because of my stellar interviewing skills.

I’m so thankful for them and will continue to pay it forward.

As J and I agreed on, it's this cycle of good karma and positivity that will continue to expand.

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity”

A

[everythingismadeofchaos]

Real quick though, has anyone else started taking THC for the first time for anxiety and experienced the following effects?

1. The sensation that you are a different person, along with the knowledge that it is only an illusion, which is reassuring to know

2. Drastically different brain function leading to powerful insights or deeper understanding of known concepts

3. Directing this increased insight inwards toward the self and discovering your own personality problems, which would be obvious to an objective onserver and you only needed like a second opinion or a friend or something to tell you about and explain

4. You then make clear decisions, even drastic ones, regarding your own life, and then make notes of these decisions that you yourself will later read, say by putting them in your calendar or something

5. Your life is legitimately improved simply by the advice of a separate person with a very clear insight and tremendous understanding of your psyche, which person happens to be you

I have made a new friend, and he is me

People this is happening to me right now, and I can tell you it is delightful. I get optimism in my everyday life from this. Like I understand the THC has a momentary euphoric effect, but separate from that and long after the chemicals have worn off, this mechanism results in improved quality of life.

I've always tried to be kind to other people, I've always tried to be a nice and decent person, consciously. Since I have started taking THC I have had whatever it takes to implement this in a proactive manner. I compliment people. I consciously try to make other people's lives better, whether they're having a rough time or not. I generally stay away from negative people, but lately rather than engage with them I just ignore them, and I think this is healthier for me and also better in the world.

Literally everything I have encountered so far using this drug has been positive. Literally everything about this experience has been overwhelmingly positive. I have been taking THC gummies for about a year now, maybe once or twice a week, and literally all results have been positive

I have composed this entire post just after the effects have kicked in, and I need to go now because I have to write myself some notes. Thank you all so much for reading my words. I have just started using the website in the last month or two and practically every interaction has been a delight. I particularly enjoy so much being subscribed to unfiltered individuals who have so much to say and lead unique and interesting lives with their own inner worlds and personal experiences. I am so very grateful to all of you, anyone who reads this, anyone following me who doesn't get to read it, anyone not following me, anyone keeping the site operating at all. It has been so beneficial to me. I'm a CIS male and every once in awhile I feel a ghost of the isolation here that I feel in my usual life, a vague sense of unbelonging, but it is positively beans to what happens in my regular everyday life not on the site. Every minute here is a respite. I cannot understand trans people or LGBT people at all, their motivations are utterly opaque to me, and yet the empathy I feel, and usually I have a lot of empathy (kind of a weirdly large amount for someone in my demographic), and since I started taking THC it has cranked up to 11, as is written in the scriptures. The feeling I get from just lurking on posts where my own opinion is irrelevant and listening to the discussion has been so marvelous and uplifting a kaleidoscope of emotions and energy and originality. I'm sorry, I'm aware I'm having this experience and I have to go because I might start oversharing. If tonight's my big night and I never see you again thank you all. It is likely I have some time left and hopefully I will get to spend more time on this site for at least several years, And even if I say something really stupid and get myself banned all I have to do is make another account and just not post, not talk to people so I don't fuck it up again, and I can listen to all I want. 10/10

[betweenheights]

Up up and away web!

It's hard to know whether or not I want to push the narrative of my writing forward or backward on this platform. In some way it's nice not to be known, there is less pressure to be anything other than who/what I am right now, which is still in development. I've been a lot of things to many people throughout my life, except fully myself that had not been manipulate to fit someone else's needs. Whether it was from my family or toxic relationships; my identity had been warped to become people pleasing & full of shame.

This week in therapy I shared how I felt like I missed out on crucial developmental discoveries that help shape ones identity because of my upbringing. Now in my 30s, in a healthy relationship & able to afford a few sessions of therapy, am I now even able to think of a future not totally catered to someone else's success.

I can see a tiny speck of light in a very long, very dark hallway that I've been walking through for a long time. I can't fully tell, but these last 10 days I feel lighter, dare I say hopeful/optimistic? I definitely don't want to get ahead of myself, but I need to acknowledge the good when it happens, no matter how small.

Here are some good things:

Therapy is helping- I feel very positive toward my therapist. She makes me feel like breakthrough is possible and that's something I haven't felt-not to be dramatic- but hardly ever.

I made a monthly calendar with challenging goals- For the past 2 years I did not have the capacity to be held accountable for anything, not even to myself. I was so fragile & broken that the absolute minimum was all I could achieve and honestly, that's okay. I am not mad at past me for being in that place. That's all I had the capacity for and I survived that time because of it. If I could meet my past self from that time, I would thank her for being so strong and getting us through an impossible time. Eli today is ready for some familiar challenges that embrace discipline. My heart is still to be gentle toward myself but I am ready to try and that's huge for me.

I got a compliment today on my appearance.- Typically this doesn't rank too high but I have been in such a depressive fog, I have-not only put the amount of effort needed to be able to be presentable in public. To know a little bit about me, I love make up & style before the pandemic I had started a make up vlog and I felt like I was really hitting my stride. I liked myself and felt good. I lost that part of myself for years and depression had me by a choke hold ( still does sometimes). again, only in the last couple weeks where I have slowly been lowering the lenses have I felt the energy to do more of what I already like. It felt good for someone to notice that effort.

I'm excited to keep on persevering-I am opening myself to have a new perspective and that feels awesome.