#I've had a really long work week that I still haven't recovered from mentally

[solvicrafts]

Snippet from Dragon Magazine about Eilistraee:

Issue #176

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[hole34]

genuine question.

as an artist, or someone who just does art as a hobby, how do you work on a project across a long period of time comfortably? Like, not hyperfixating on it and completely halting your real daily life and working on it every waking second until it's done. But still doing it consistently, just a little each day when you feel like it, without being perpetually anxious and dreadful every second it's not done that you’re not doing it. I really don't mean this as a "haha relatable" post, I genuinely really really need advice man.

This is the reason I "hate art". Even if it's just for my own enjoyment, something I WANT to make, I cannot make art without absolutely torturing myself for the entire process, like seriously mentally damaging myself. I never do big projects even that I really want to do because I honest to god don't know what to do, it's just not possible. My longest art project took 3 days, and even though I took breaks to sleep, therefore pausing the work (which is really hard for me), it burnt me out SO bad by the end of those three days when I felt like I came out of a hypnotised state, that it caused me a mental breakdown that involved a consult with paramedics and a week to recover. I was nearly starved, and hallucinating for a whole day.

MOTHERFUCKER IT WAS A DIGITAL DRAWING OF A VAMPIRE I STARTED SOLELY BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO

Learning from that experience I haven't done any big projects yet, though just about EVERY SINGLE TIME I do ANY art project bigger than just a two-minute sketch, it becomes my entire day and gives me REALLY BAD burnout. I just can't do art casually, I don't understand why. It's something I want to do.

I have attempted a few projects that took longer than a day where I took breaks during, but every second of those breaks for myself I have terrible terrible anxiety to the point of panic attacks, so I've just abandoned all of those works if not overworking myself and hating the whole process and experience.

I'm autistic and have clinically diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder (and suspected panic disorder courtesy of my psychiatrist), so this might not be entirely a common everyman problem, but I want to post about it anyway because I'm just hopeless man.

If anyone else has had this or similar experiences or has any sorta tips Id really really appreciate interaction, thank youx

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hi ! I've been looking for some advices, maybe an outside opinion, as well as sharing my experiences. I Hope it's ok.

I've already sent Asks here, being much more worse, and I wanted to say first of all that I'm doing much much better !!

I've been eating more and re-introduced carbs and fats and feat foods slowly and it feels like a lot sometimes, but it gets easier.

I'm not recovered totally at all, but I'm healthier both physically and mentally.

Problem is, I think I might be running from anorexia to orthorexia... At first I thought it would be a good things now that I felt capable of controling my food to include healthy meals and all, but it has become obsessive. Am I supposed to just eat ''unhealthy'' foods to have balance ? I sometimes feel like I have to, more for it to be socially acceptable and normal, rather than a Real want for it. I don't feel particulary proud of my ''healthy diet'', I'm actually suite ashamed of it in society.

Second of all, I realized that I might even look better with some more weight on. I Always had a hard Time gaining and I'm still not btw, but this is quite a comforting thought to have in recovery. I don't intend to monitor my weight and body but it reassures me. However, I still feel like gaining would make me worth less and even tho it's something that could be positive, I still bodycheck without thinking and am worried to gain when I eat more. I don't know how to fight it, since I've already told myself that weight gain could even be better and positive, and not only necessary...

Third and last (sorry this is so long), I'm exercising again. I Always liked to, since I was eight, and it makes me feel like I'm still holding onto something. I do pilates, and bodyweight strenght training one hour a day, with one rest day a week. I already decreased the time of exercice that I once did twice a day, and it feels okay.

But I don't really make progress, despite eating a lot of protein and working out a lot. On top of that, I still haven't got my period back in a long Time. What am I doing wrong ? I really don't want to abandon exercices, especially when I have so much free Time.

Thank you for Reading ! And thank you for this page, it helps a number of people.

Hi anon! I'm so glad to hear you've progressed this far in your recovery, even though it's never an easy journey. Even now, you're running into new worries. First of all, you don't "have to" eat anything you don't like. I think orthorexia is about an obsessive need to restrict your food intake down to what's "pure enough" eschewing even the smallest treat. I think a lot of people with orthorexia take it even further - worrying that their healthy food isn't pure enough, pursuing even more extreme diets - it's not pure enough if it's not raw, or dairy-free, or organic, just as a few possible examples. So if you enjoy foods like candy and chips, or sugar cereal and stuff like that, but feel like you cannot enjoy them specifically because they're not your "healthy" foods...that's orthorexia. But if you simply prefer the foods you're already eating, then you can feel free to continue to eat the foods you enjoy. Just make sure to keep your mind open enough that you'd be willing to try new foods if you really wanted them, and remember that "I don't like that," doesn't need any justification.

I think you might need to check in with yourself when you catch yourself body-checking or feeling like you'd be worth less with weight gain. What makes you feel that way? Try to examine these feelings without being judgmental toward yourself. Just unpack these feelings and try to go over some things in your mind that define your worth to you. These should ideally be things that have nothing to do with your body. Sit compassionately with your feelings, but do gently challenge them, and be aware that it may take time before you work out these challenging and conflicting feelings about the way your body will be.

As long as you're not over-exercising, eating enough to sustain yourself, and not compulsively matching your exercise to negate caloric intake, you should be okay. If you're asking why you're not gaining muscle or strength, I can't say for sure because I don't know your body. Maybe it's because your body went without for so long that right now it's just focusing on repairing the critical parts. And since it sounds like you might need to gain back a bit more weight in general (though I can't say that for sure since I don't know your health needs) maybe right now is a good time to focus on enjoying what you can do and how it makes you feel, and develop other hobbies to fill your free time with.

As to your period...I really don't know, I'm sorry. It entirely depends on your individual body and on your experiences in ED and restriction. I might consider consulting with your doctor and asking about what steps you can take to help your body re-regulate itself in that regard. If there are any specific nutrients or supplements you could take, or if you really just have to weight. It sounds like you're exercising pretty hard, which might delay the onset of your period further. But it really depends on certain body variables.

I hope I've been able to give you some help!

[kierancampire]

I've been in and out of therapy basically all my life, it's been a very long time. And this has been the longest I have gone without it, and sometimes I wanna go back, I wanna go back to Jayne even, she was one of the best therapists I had. But this is why I don't. It's these memories. This didn't happen just this once, there were so many bad situations I was in that Jayne told me I should just be grateful for something no matter how I was treated, she got angry at me for using simple terms, she got angry at me for using certain words, she got angry at me for naming things, she got angry at me if she thought I was self-diagnosing. There was so much of it.

Like I have had a life long condition where I can't fall asleep, stay asleep, and will wake up early, and it is only marginally helped by heavy meds. A whole life time of being unable to sleep. Have I ever been diagnosed with insomnia? No. But it sure as shit is clear I have it. 28 years of being unable to sleep. Yet Jayne got mad any time I called it that. She got angry at me for using terms like "agoraphobia", when not only is that a basic term many people know, but I did bring this up to her once, you can't expect someone to be in and out of therapy for around 15 years, yet not pick up on any therapy things. Like Jayne even commented herself when I first started seeing her that I was masking with therapy and giving her the therapy side of things, so she knew herself and once commented on how I picked up therapy terms and techniques and would use them to my advantage, yet later on I suddenly wasn't meant to know any of this stuff?

But it really was this main issue. It didn't matter how mum treated me, I had to be grateful she gave me life, a home, and other things. It didn't matter that Kirsty was abusive, it was a really bad coercive control relationship, and everything she put me through, I had to be grateful she gave me a home and a job (which to stress, at separate points in my time seeing her she did tell me to be grateful to mum and Kirsty, even knowing what was going on). It didn't matter the toll Swan took on me, which I still haven't recovered from, the hell they put me through the years, the state of my flat, the fact I was freezing to death in winter, didn't have functioning doors and windows, my flat was over run by mould, the extreme mental and physical toll this all took on me, they gave me a form of a home and I should just shut up and be grateful.

But then in that same breath, Jayne spent forever working on me saying no, standing up for myself, that I deserved better, that I deserved kindness, respect, the bare basics. Yet any time I did what she told me, she got mad at me and told me I don't deserve better, I should just be grateful for what I have. I don't deserve an apology for bad treatment, I should just be grateful for what I have. I shouldn't stand up for myself, I should just be grateful for what I have. Even if that was this flat or an abusive relationship. I left so many sessions crying and angry. Sometimes a part of me feels I need it, and I want to see her, I knew her for years, we had so many shared moments that were great, and outside of 3 family members, Jayne was the only other person I got to see in life, losing her made me lose 1/4 of the people in my life. But I just feel her messages became harmful, she was fighting me, weighing me down, and hurting me when I really didn't need that, and frankly she was trying to stop me from growing.

Just to quickly vent about another thing. I remember one week I went to see her, I was in such a bad state she called my doctors under a crises case, she was that concerned about me and my welfare, that was the first time she'd ever done that, which given everything I went through while seeing her, that shows how bad things were. Then literally the very next week, all of a sudden she was trying to pressure me into working, saying I was fit and stable enough for a job, my life was at that point I needed to work, and would not stop hounding me on it. This is without getting into what started this was me opening up to her how everyone was pressuring me to work at the time, and the severe distress that was causing me on top of everything else I was going through. Which again wasn't a one time thing, Jayne did that multiple times where I opened up to her about a way people were upsetting me, then she'd instantly do it herself. But yes, how do I, in the span of one week, go from incredibly unstable crises case, to work ready and being stable/secure for a job? In one week?

[lantur]

I can't believe I haven't written in almost two weeks. :// I really regret falling so behind with journaling on here. I want to get back to it, because it helps me process my thoughts. Long post underneath the read more.

notes on life,

I was thoroughly overwhelmed by my work trip two weeks ago, but I was delighted to get to see @thatisadamnfinecupofcoffee and @annespelledwithane again. Spending time with them (going out for ramen and to the prettiest tea house in the East Village, and then eating an entire buffet of desserts from two different bakeries, and staying up until 2 AM) was a mini-vacation I very much needed.

It took me a whole week to recover from being out of town for a few days. :// I truly don't bounce back from travel the way I used to a few years ago...

I've been in my new job for almost exactly one month now. The challenging transition phase is over. I'm still adjusting to being way busier than I used to be, putting a lot more mental effort in. It's tiring. Every day, I do roughly as much work as I used to do in one week at my old job, so I have to work faster and harder than I used to before. It makes the days go by super fast, which is disorienting. I feel like February just started, but actually the month started eight days ago.

I've been trying to keep on top of my personal goals despite all of that. I've been enjoying swimming and yoga. I cooked a new recipe, halal cart chicken and rice, and it turned out really good. I'm hoping to cook two more new recipes before the end of this month. I finished my audiobook of The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater, and it was so good that I kept thinking of the ending for days after I finished it. I started listening to My Best Friend's Exorcism by Grady Hendrix a few days ago as well.

I had my long-awaited psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I was nervous, but the psychiatrist was very kind and empathetic, and she is also another WOC. She has suggested starting a new medication to treat type 2 bipolar disorder. I'm nervous, but hopeful that this could help me.

I've been going through pelvic floor physical therapy as well for the past couple of weeks, which is quite a time and energy commitment - weekly appointments with the PT, and regular practice at home. It's tiring, on top of everything else going on with work, social life, home maintenance, exercise, etc., but I'm hopeful that this too will help me address longstanding issues with excessive pelvic floor tightness. I wish it could be fixed quickly, but I think it might take months to sort out.

I've been enjoying spending time with Derek playing board games, and cuddling my cat Westin and watching The Wire at night/in the evenings after work. The quiet time really helps me recover before the next work day.

I have been loving watching The Last of Us.

I had a wonderful time hanging out with my little nieces, five and almost three years old, on Saturday and playing hide and seek with them. <3

I had a dream that really hit me hard a couple of nights ago. I dreamed I got to see my brother again. We hung out, and I gave him a big hug. I was adopted, so we weren't raised together. We only saw each other once every few years, until our families became estranged. I haven't seen him in 10 years now, as we live in different countries. We're in touch occasionally over text. I wrote on here last fall that I thought I processed my grief over that separation, and found surrogate siblings in my brothers- and sisters-in-law via Derek's family. So this dream hit me hard. I wouldn't have normally done this, but I sent my brother a short text tonight, just saying I was thinking about him and I hope he and his wife are doing well. It hurts a lot. I always wonder if I'm ever going to see him again. I would love to give him and my sister-in-law a hug.

I'm looking forward to therapy on Friday. I haven't been able to have an appointment in about three weeks or so, and I'm excited to be able to process my thoughts and feelings with my therapist, and getting back to doing that on here by myself as well.

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 3/7/2023

What even was last week? I don't know. It's gone now. I spent a lot of time putting medicine in my dog. The children had a three-day weekend. (The dog is recovering very well from her surgery, thank you all for your kind wishes).

I continue to write sentences. This fanfic. I don't know. Remember when I said I expected it to be between 5 and 10k? Well, it's over 12k now. Granted, a couple hundred words of that is working-scrap text that'll get deleted when I get a few of the scenes finished up. On the other hand, it's not done. This is not one of those fanfics that has such a sophisticated thing as a plot, so it's just... whatever I put into it, but I would like it to have some sort of narrative progression, and I'm not even sure I'm there yet. Have I even told you what it's about? I don't think I have. It's about the two weeks Rukia and Renji spent at the  District 70 Consolidated Shinigami Recruitment Station, waiting for approval to travel north to take their entrance exams. It's weird and rambly and it's kind of a break-up story and there's a old dude shinigami who noped out of the Gotei who teaches them a bunch of world-buildy stuff that I made up. I usually don't mind when my stories go long, because usually my writing is funny or at least enjoyable to read, but I am really questioning whether anyone wants to read 12k worth of Renruki doing SAT prep. Truly, I am in my weird art era.

I was able to tally up what I think is left to do, which is as follows:

4 partially written scenes I need finish

2 scenes to port over from the original story (how have I not done this yet???)

6 scenes to write completely

3 more optional scenes

Anything else i come up with in the interim

Edit edit edit edit edit

This seems like about two weeks of work, but I'm sure it's more like three, and maybe more than that. I'm kind of counting it to all magically come together in the end, but I think it may need a little more work than that. I'm also mentally preparing myself for a longer trip to the beta than usual. I can see my way to the end, though, and that's pretty exciting! I even have a title! I've thought about giving you some preview bits, but I think it's still a little too early for that. Maybe next week!

Ahhhh, also this week I started writing a porno. I'm sorry. You know how it is. The urge hits and I grab catch the wave or it just passes by. Don't get too excited. If you've followed these updates for any amount of time, you know that if I start writing an adult fanfic, there's about a 50-50 chance I'll get 1/3 of the way into it and just give up. It's 1500 words at the moment. Working on the porno does not count towards My Sentences, so I'm sort of using it as a bribe for myself to work on once I've already met my daily goal on the other one. It takes place in the Advanced Team Arc and they Do it in the Urahara Shouten storeroom. Unfollow me if you want, it's not like there's a glutted market of spicy Renruki stories.

I did not draw anything last week. I should draw something this week.

5500 words this week! I haven't had a 5k+ week since last November! I need to get over the fact that that 10k weeks aren't things that happen to me anymore, and this was a really good one, actually!

[blu3bloom]

some reflections on the last ~10yrs with various 3ds, how i l0st close to 40lbs & my shit going forward

all thru high school and college i had an0rexia, i had bul1m1a, i had BED, and i'm still losing the ~60lbs i gained during my BED experience in my late teens (& the pandemic & a stressful relationship soon after i recovered). i've now been able to lose nearly 40lbs so far by by taking it slow, not r3stricting like crazy, and exercising moderately. as a result, i haven't bing3d in years. which is honestly huge for me. i see a lot of people on here lamenting how often they bing3 and it really makes me sad because i remember being in that place & how you know that what you should do is eat more normally, but also if you eat normally you're afraid you'll gain, but if you r3str1ct you'll bing3, and so on and so on...i really didn't want to get back in that cycle.

when i first started l0sing i had just got out of a bad relationship, pandemic restrictions were loosening, and my living situation improved. my life was better overall. it also became much easier to eat more healthily and get more exercise, and i l0st the first 20lbs by walking home from work (5-ish miles) 3-4 days a week and just tweaking my di3t to add more fruit & veggies & just be more mindful/eliminate some of the highest c4l stuff. I just tried to plan my meals better, and i'm already pretty decent at cooking so it wasn't so bad and i ended up being able to curb how much i was eating out anyway (and saving a bit of money in the long term, i think).

i wasn't even paying that much attention, honestly...i had this (not so groundbreaking) idea that i would be more successful if i made small changes that wouldn't disrupt the normal rhythm of my life rather than trying to act drastically with my r3s and exercise and, as a result, drive myself to the point of physical and mental burnout. perhaps unsurprisingly, that ended up being true.

since then i've been able to maintain a deficit that's probably closer to 300c a day than 1000c a day (like i used to try to do during my early 4n4/m1a experiences in high school). and i've definitely fallen off a few times, but "falling off" for me hasn't been "falling into a bing3/purg3/r3s cycle" - more like "becoming less focused for a bit, maintaining or only l0sing a couple lbs, and then getting back on track." it has taken me nearly 2yrs to l0se what i've lost, but i'd honestly rather go slow than drive myself into the psych ward (....again).

i don't know, i guess i don't want to make it seem like it's been easy, because it hasn't...more like i've tried to make it as easy as possible on myself and tried to fit my WL into my life like a normal person rather than puking myself into an early grave. i know that my obsession with food/WL and my presence on 3dblr is not healthy behavior, obviously, and tbh i think we should all get off this website before it fucking kills us. like in a way i've been in the 3d mines for too long - learned too much about the way this shit breaks your brain deeply and permanently - to think that anything i've been doing over the last 2yrs is "healthy," but at the end of the day i've been able to be social, have a sex life/relationship, advance my career, do activism, do my art, and generally be a normal person in society for the last 2ish years while keeping my WL on the backburner. when i was 15 or whatever i was trying to speedrun 100lbs (insane) while going to school and working out 2-3hrs a day...no wonder i ended up in inpatient, right?

so. if i'm here, i might as well do this as safely and sanely as possible. i want to l0se another 25ish to get down to where i was before i got into my BED phase - 130 wouldn't be unealthy for me. i'd always been th1n/athletic before and i think i can get back there, especially now that i'm on a swim team practicing 2x a week - trying to get back into something i love that i ended up losing, in part, because of my 3d. we'll see how this goes, i guess. i'd love to be at my ugw in a year.

[steamishot]

overwhelm

it took me like 2-3 days to recover from all the traveling/red eye flight and another few days to adjust back to NYC.

work has been really busy - i haven't had the chance to sneak out this week like i normally do! wednesday, i had my first performance evaluation with my director. prior years were with my manager. it was the first 1:1 meeting we had since he offered me the new role. my director is really chill (chill to the point where he's not always on top of his duties, lol, similar to me) and only said good things about me. he left great ratings/comments on my evaluation and talked about increasing my salary and delegating new responsibilities to me. from experience, i think what he is saying will be true, but it will likely take a long time to execute, lol. i've informed him of my move back and will hash out the going into office details later.

they finally hired a new girl for my old position after more than half a year. it's going to take her weeks to get access and complete training for the systems we use - so far, i'm still doing everything and during busy season as well.

yesterday, i finally had a much needed crying session. i felt so overwhelmed with everything: the job search, job obtainment, contract reviews, decision making, car purchase, socializing with everyone, work, traveling and emotionally/mentally taking in all the upcoming changes and logistics: cross country move, how do we get all our shit from NYC to LA, 1 car vs 2, new work for matt, return to office for me, relationship progression, new apartment search, saying bye to my NYC friends, adulting, etc.

i felt depressed and upset after arriving back in NYC. matt had gotten sick (thanks to my niece) and he immediately went to work night shifts. on top of that, he informed me that his next on week will be working 10 days straight, and that he'll have to work night shifts on the july 4th week. until today, we have not processed this whole move together! his schedule is really driving me nuts. i feel incomplete and alone navigating this whole thing on my own currently, waiting for him to mentally catch up.

it also was depressing that i went from having family everywhere/ a full house (extra special time because my TX cousins are still visting at my parents house) and fun social events almost daily to being by myself again. i had a lot of FOMO seeing my family continually gathering up. also, my mom is my main support system and i call her whenever i'm alone, especially on night shifts, but she's pretty unavailable this week due to hosting.

there was an awkward friend event planning this week. L is leaving NYC end of this month. S, who isn't that close to L but knows her updates through me, suggested that we have a farewell thing. L reached out to both me and S separately to plan a lunch. instead of leaving it at that, S decided to revitalize an old group chat between her, L, me and A asking to hangout. the last message in the group was a happy new year from 2023. L told her she wasn't planning on inviting A and didn't respond in the chat. i also wasn't keen on meeting up with A, since she's now demoted to acquaintance/stranger status lol. L, S and i basically haven't kept in touch with A. however, after over a month, L decided to respond in the group chat asking to meet for lunch on 6/8 and both S & A were up for it.

i was feeling dead/emotional from all the recent events and did not want to meet up with A who tends to be inquisitive and a tad judgmental. i dreaded the idea of feigning interest and catching her up with the last 1.5 years that we didn't talk (also knowing i am moving away, i didn't see a point in rekindling a friendship). so, i ended up backing out. since i wasn't going, S didn't feel like going either because then it felt like "3 acquaintances who don't really know each other meeting up". long story short, the plans fell through lol. for now it does feel a bit ingenuine with A, but since plans were already ignited, we're going through with a comedy show in a couple of weeks.

health: i have not had any blood in my stool since 5/7, thank goodness! however, due to my restrictions in diet and traveling/eating mostly home-cooked foods/stress, i have lost weight. i was almost 120lb before going to LA. i reached a low of 113 and i'm currently trying to get back up. that means i need to be more active and less restrictive of my diet. my brother also got a colonoscopy that was clear, so that is a relief.

ceramics: after missing two sessions, i attended ceramics class today and spent most of the time trimming. my one bowl is turning out kinda nice, lol! the teacher is pretty hands-off, due to the larger class size and varying skill levels. everyone is working on different things. i felt less depressed after attending class. it reminded me of the purpose/fulfillment i have here, along with yoga classes. it just takes time to adjust as my lifestyles seem completely different.

[spiderywigglerodstuff]

skipping gray hair, heading straight into white

rambling about my life below if that interests you, lol - tw: suicidal ideation, language, long post

My hair has always been an extremely dark shade of brown, and I've never really notice gray hair, but now I'm seeing more white hairs daily. I'm well into adulthood at this point, I have a 'career' of sorts, a leased vehicle (that I recently damaged, haven't even dealt with that yet), decent apartment, on my own, but living paycheck to paycheck.

I'm halfway into the second year since my breakup, I doubt he'd read this, but if he did, I owe him a great debt for giving me the motivation to escape my shitty family in the country and move to the 'big city', but man, losing him really destroyed me. I share no small part of the blame for the end of the relationship, and in reality it may have not been worth saving, but my christ I miss him.

The last few years really fucked me up. I've struggled with my mental health my entire life, but 2020 feels like it broke something in me that made things even worse. My self destructive apathy the last year has resulted into me becoming a hermit, relying on amazon for food and essentials as I never leave the house, instead stewing in my filthy apartment trying to recover from work.

Heck, the last two months fucked me up too. I had pneumonia that never really went away, my lungs still feel messed up, and only today I genuinely feel like I am finally back to 'normal', despite all my other medical issues of course. The desire to end it, to stop my mind and body from feeling so shitty, came back with a vengeance. Not quite as closely as a year ago, but it was getting there again. (I still have the mental health emergency hotline stickynote on the dash of my car, lol)

But here, at this very moment, (0434 am, being irresponsible at work) reflecting on myself and who I am, I feel.. almost nothing. I am deeply, deeply remorseful of course, remorseful for everything I've done and failed to do, but I am still here. Still trucking, somehow, burying the shame I feel from my filthy home and car by ignoring it, and avoiding the outside by eating applesauce cups I buy in bulk. (And junk food, let's be real, I am fat)

The last week I've been pushing myself to at the very least try to be more positive, reach out to people more, but some fundamental part of me still feels.. broken. Again though, I don't feel hopeless. I feel neutral, like this can be fixed, I just need to keep going.

Maybe that is the secret? Even if I don't know how or why, I am able to keep getting up in the morning, even if I don't even know what I am continuing to exist for, other than one thing.

I wonder what I'll look like with white hair.

[little-mouse-bed]

I'm just gonna vent here. I'm feeling down and lonely and sad. Been swiping on the dating apps and not having any luck. Feel like I can't say what I really want because I'm a super weirdo. I'm married but we are poly, and I don't think my partner knows how hard it is for married poly men to get attention.

My partner and I always wanted kids together but they are having a hysterectomy cause periods are becoming way too traumatic and nothing helps, and their other health problems make it probably too difficult. I want them to have a good life and make the right health choice, but I fell for them partly because they were a great mom and loved their kid so completely.

They are relatively ok with age play but don't really get into it. After having a mommy for years, it is so, so hard to ageplay with them and still feel alone.

I wish it wasn't so strange to just say, "Seeking a big titty mommydom who wants to have babies with me and my partner."

It doesn't help that I can be kinda superficial. My wants in a partner are all over the place. I want a conventionally beautiful, petite, classy, femme girl with huge plastic titties. A tough goth mommy who can manhandle me. A cute subby baby girl that I can dote on and spoil who likes being a good girl. Someone I can trust and feel safe relying upon, but is also unpredictable and wild. Someone who'd induce and lactate for me.

My first wife was a loving mommydom and my whole world. I was too young and dealing with serious psychological abuse at work, she had bpd, and things fell apart.

My current partner identified as a straight woman when we got together but now identifies as a queer enby. That's not what I signed up for, but I care about them and love them.

I realized though that I "married my mother" both times. Disabling mental health issues, medical problems, overweight and difficulty with self care. Emotionally distant or hard to read. I felt like they needed me to help them.

I'm turning 40 and I'm afraid I won't ever (or ever again) get to experience a lot of things I want terribly. I just survive each day waiting for my next paycheck with no real hope for the future. I've never been with a woman under 35. I love love love high femme women who like makeup and heels, but both my partners have kinda hated that femme stuff, after the newness wore off and they didn't care as much about what I think. 90% of the dating profiles I come across are older than me, have several kids and don't want more, don't want kids at all, think anything femme is patriarchy, or are not remotely attractive to me. I got one match that seemed interesting but she didn't seem to like me enough to keep talking.

The few things I'm truly happy about in my life are my awesome stepkid, my absolutely adorable baby niece, and that I'm finally fixing my relationship with my father. We're closer than we've been since I was 11 and I feel like that was something I missed dearly.

I just want someone to love me and take care of me without reservation. I work hard to provide for my family and I come home to make myself dinner and go to bed in the guest room because my partner wants to be up all night. I love them, but I haven't been in love for a long time. I think we all know it. I'm loyal, and even if we are struggling I can't fault them. I just spent every penny in my love bank and keep going deeper into the red.

Anyway, I'm just lonely and sad right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have a single friend I can talk to about more than the weather and the latest television. I spend all my time at work, caretaking my partner, keeping our house from falling down, or recovering from those. My only escape is singing two nights a week, but even that leaves me exhausted the next day and wondering if it's worth it.

I swear to god I feel better physically than I have since I was 20, but this just makes me feel old inside.

The little mouse I am in my heart is curled up somewhere cold and I can't find him most of the time. I want him back in my life but it just hurts when I try.

[dzpenumbra]

2/9/23

I'm just gonna say it. It is difficult to add a Turing test for making a Tumblr account? Is it complicated? Does it cost too much money or something? Or have these bots just gotten smart enough to bypass them? The bot accounts on this site are just like... absolutely insane. At least they have been the past few months, I have no idea how long this flood has been a thing, I've only been here since like... August, I think?

I'll be honest, it's not a good look. Like... I swear, if Tumblr had an answer for this? They'd be in really good shape. This is a really cool atmosphere, I wish I had given it a chance sooner. But the amount of bots creeping around reminds me of that scene in the last Matrix movie (the last "real" one, sorry Lana, I really do appreciate the concepts behind what you were trying to do, but even your sibling tapped out on it, and I have to side with them, unfortunately) - let me clarify, in Matrix Revolutions, when Neo is in the City and all those bug robots are swarming around him. Like that. Just... off-putting. Like, what the fuck are they up to? I mean... they're up to something...

Today, I woke up at a somewhat decent hour. I checked the clock and confirmed 8 hours of sleep, which was awesome. Still catching up on sleep, as always... I decided to watch the Subnautica: Below Zero playthrough I've been following in bed to start the day. Depression and grief thing. I watched the same streamer do a playthrough of Project Zomboid when my dog died, so... I don't know, it's weirdly comforting, in a grim kinda way. Like my dog and cat are together now. And it reminds me of how my cat would cuddle with me and grieve with me. I'm very enraptured with the Subnautica playthrough, I love the series. I just cut an episode short to write this.

I was watching that, and lazily trying to navigate Bumble... with very little luck... I swear, these dating apps are just... it's pure depression fuel. In the 4 years that I've been on Bumble and Hinge, I have had 2 successful matches. One was a very brief text exchange through the app over the course of one night which just... evaporated... like I've had more personal conversations with cashiers before... and the other was an alcoholic woman with an STD who just separated from her husband, and just got out of a psych ward for reasons she didn't fully disclose... though who am I to judge, I've been to mental health facilities as well, but my intakes were voluntary so... I feel like my lesson to learn there was to... get more info... or run... still not 100% sure. This woman, a week after my dog died, brought the skeletons of 3 goats over to my home, made me watch Bo Burnham's special about how he was in the same type of isolation as me during the pandemic, gave me one of the worst panic attacks of my life... which I miraculously recovered from within less than 5 minutes... and then... she got freaked out and left. Called me the next day to do the whole, "it's not you, it's me..." And I - to myself, of course - wholeheartedly agreed with her. She needs help, first from herself, then from others. So... let's just say I haven't had a lot of luck with dating apps... XD

My morning was disrupted by the neighbors above running what sounded like... I mean, I guess it was a vacuum? Or maybe a steam cleaner? But it sounded like an industrial autoclave or something. Like, it sounded big and fuckin loud. And it was like... 10:30 AM? I was a little upset at first reaction, but made hay pretty quick. I went downstairs and decided that the best thing I could do was something with headphones on. I decided to pop on the cans and start polishing a new stone. I haven't done that in a long time. I had been using the tumbler for most of my stones and I'm still waiting on the new polish. (OH but I did get my new yoga pants today so yay!) So I took one of the stones my mom mailed to me from her new driveway that she found that she liked a lot and I worked that thing for 2 fucking hours. I really enjoy hand-faceting stones, it's hard work but I find it very rewarding. I wish I had some sort of rig to hold the stone stable so I could be a bit more deliberate and consistent with my angles, but this was a very organic shape so I just sorta went with it, abandoned symmetry entirely and I think it still came out really nice. And the stone was much softer than I was expecting. I think it's veins of calcite running through slate or something? I don't know, I'm not a geologist, I just like making pretty things prettier.

I did yoga. It was really quick today, just like 10-15 minutes. But it had that pose where you go from downward dog and lift one leg? And you're supposed to have your down leg rooted at your heel... but I can't get myself into downward dog and plant my heels. So I kept fumbling around with it and bringing my hands closer in to compensate... and then I was supposed to like... curl my leg above me and stack my hips, while keeping both hands planted. And I just... I could do it on my left side kinda I guess, with my right foot planted, but once we switched I was just falling over. It's frustrating. But, to be fair to myself, my flexibility has massively improved overall. Like I went to stretch my hamstrings earlier and I could touch the floor, which... well, it's been a while.

I took a shower and started to get ready for meeting up with my brother, nephew and sister-in-law for dinner. We went to a really nice chinese restaurant in town - I mean like... really fancy. Like way above any budget I'd be earning in my lifetime. And my socially oblivious ass just doesn't even mention the bill, which is honestly probably a godsend for them that they don't have to deal with the awkwardness of insisting on paying for the expensive meal they suggested. Idk, my brother works in the stock market and my sister in law is a doctor, and I'm a fucking artist who doesn't sell anything so... I'm just gonna kinda assume it's pretty obvious I won't be paying for dinner... XD

I got there early and parked in a parking garage I haven't parked in in... probably 15 years? They don't do paper tickets anymore, it was super confusing, I had no idea what to do. I fumbled around with the app thing on my phone but I didn't want to take my credit card out in a parking garage to put my number into it, because... I mean, there was a homeless guy yelling across the street at the entrance so like... yeah. So I just said fuck it. I walked down this main street, it's like... one of those streets in a city that is specifically for walking only, you know? And it's just lined with shops and shit. When I used to live in this city, my apartment was a block from the top of this street, and my community college was halfway down the street, so I spent a ton of time there. I mean, I remember sitting on a big rock on the street playing guitar for people, busking and making enough to buy coffee. That's a fond memory. I was so much more confident back then.

Now... I was super overwhelmed. I was amazed, and intrigued by everything. The buildings felt very tall around me, I recognized nearly none of the shops. I found some cool new age shops and a skate shop and I was interested in checking them out, but I didn't have time. I had to get the reservation for my brother and them, they were running late. On my way to the restaurant, a homeless guy asked me if I had a few dollars to spare. And to make it clear how long it has been since I have encountered this... they used to ask "do you have any spare change". And now, with inflation and fucking stupid costs of living, he asked "do you have some spare cash", and even a few dollars isn't enough for these poor people. Imagine how insulted and angry that guy would be if I gave him a 50 cents. I... kept staring wide-eyed at the buildings as I walked by and pretended I didn't hear him. I felt really bad. I did have some spare cash, but... I remembered that in my... inattentiveness... I keep forgetting to take the cash out of my wallet. I don't have anywhere else to put it, frankly. And inside my wallet, I have the cash that the administrator of the retreat I went to to detox off meds gave me for an illustration commission. It was like $400. I'm not fucking kidding. And I don't know what to do with this cash because like... who the fuck breaks a $100 in 2023? And I never leave my damn house. And I don't want to like... leave it in some random doom drawer in my house, it'll just disappear. I don't know what to do with it, honest. So like... I just have it in my wallet. And I'm walking by this guy and going, "I know I have cash, but I also know if that fucker sees that I have over $400 and a pair of AirPods on me, he's taking all of it or I'm getting stabbed." And, to top it off, I'm fucking alone. So... yeah, I was super fucking anxious. And I think rightfully so. It went fine, obviously, but like... that shook me a bit.

I should really just get rid of that cash, I guess I can go to my bank? And see if I can deposit it somehow? It's not like I can feed it into an ATM or something. I'm so fucking dumb with this stuff, I swear, no one taught me any of this. It's super embarrassing. So yeah, maybe I'd be less panicky if I didn't have that cash on me.

Dinner was great. Great to see my nephew, a riot as always. Good catching up and chilling. We did this thing at the restaurant where the chef just picked what we were going to eat and they just brought a bunch of courses out for us. All vegetarian, because my brother has been vegetarian since... I'm gonna venture to say since Clinton was in office. Which was actually cool with me, because I don't like fish - never ate it my entire life, never got a taste for it so it's super overwhelming to my senses now - and I don't really like beef either. Just pork and chicken for me, usually just chicken, if I'm being honest. The food was a big adventure of new flavors, things I'd probably never order off a menu myself. So, it was a big wave of new experiences today.

I was super overwhelmed at the beginning of dinner, and super drowsy because the sun was going down. That's been happening a lot lately. But I bounced back after getting a pot of Jasmine tea in me.

I noticed, in reflection after the fact, that I talk very openly and frequently about my mental health. And I'm starting to think that might not be a good thing. I know it's habit, I mean... how could it not be? Like... since about... 2018? The vast majority of my social interactions have been revolving around mental health. And by vast majority, I mean like.. 80-90% of my conversations, no exaggeration. When that is your life, when every conversation is like a therapy session (or actually is a therapy session), you really are forced to get comfortable with sharing. Like... if you go to group therapy and never speak up, you're just cheating yourself. So, powering through those reflexes and getting comfortable with talking about my mental health has actually... tipped into the realm of maybe being awkward for people.

Like... I'm talking to my sister-in-law about how my PTSD makes it hard for me to open up to a doctor in only 15 minutes, like I start freezing and stumbling over my words on simple questions and shit, and how I can only imagine how hard it makes their job to try to get all the information and diagnose and set up treatment and everything in 15 fucking minutes! Something is just going horribly wrong there. But like... I'm just hoping I'm not making things awkward. I really don't even notice it anymore, like... the way I spoke to them, the way I speak to my therapist and the way I speak here are all like... basically identical. It's just... my thoughts. My pure thoughts. I still have some boundaries, I mean it's not like they need to know about my sexual habits or how my hemorrhoids are doing, especially at a dinner table... But I'm afraid it might be awkward for them to talk about mental health stuff. I don't know, it's hard to tell. Maybe I should ask at some point?

After dinner, I went home. It was pretty warm today, I was getting bummed as I drove back that all the snow was melting. I was getting a big craving to go skate. And then I saw this dude slip on ice as he was walking back from a night class, when I drove by a local college. And he didn't know I saw him, I pretended I didn't see so he didn't feel embarrassed, not that he should be, it's like the lowest friction substance in the fucking world... And that planted a seed, which sprouted once I got to the rotary park where I skate. I scouted it out as I drove by - there was still snow. I pulled into my "car park", as my South African accented Siri likes to call it, which makes me smile. And as I walked in, I put my foot in a pile of snow by the door to see what the conditions were like. The snow was something close to the condition of like... a Slurpee, or something. If you're not American and don't know what that is, I don't know how to help you, like... a slushie? Like that kind of snow/ice. Like sleet that is cold enough to take solid form. That kind of snow is... not ideal because it's right on the edge of going to slush and certain ground/stone/pavement can retain heat... and the friction and pressure from skating can just turn that snow right into a slow, wet, soggy mess. But if the temperature is low enough... you get all the packability of wet snow, and that slush effect doesn't happen, and it also doesn't instantly turn to ice like it does on colder nights... And that's pretty much the conditions I got to work with tonight. So I stretched and I went skating.

But my dumb ass didn't bring my water bottle.

I tried skating the 2-stair, but that whole warm stone turning packed snow into slush thing? That was happening right where I was supposed to pop. Right at the lip of the first stair. It was just crap. But there was snow all over. I skated flatground for a while. My ollie was doing really well today, very consistent, good pop too. I was getting more comfortable and accurate with pop shuvits. I couldn't land a 3 shuv to save my life, unfortunately, when it's slushier it feels tougher to get that extra rotation because the snow has more give to it. At least that's what my head tells me. But I got a moving kickflip, maybe 2? I don't remember. Then I went to that section where I had a long downhill section of sidewalk to build speed and a natural kicker where it goes flat and then inclines down again, and I skated that for a bit until a dude came over and just... sat like 25 feet away from where that ramp was... I got paranoid and stopped skating it for a bit. Then I saw a smoke cloud come from there. And I'm sure it was just weed smoke, and it was probably some college kid who just couldn't smoke in his apartment and wanted to smoke somewhere chill, so he chose the park at like 9PM alone. I get it, I just... I was really anxious from earlier, and in general, so I just stopped skating that spot. I went over to the 4-stair, landed it at least 3 times. Went back to flat and started trying to get varial flip. I've never had it... perfectly consistent. Like... I've landed a few and I got pretty good at them, but I was never really consistent. There was a point where I could pull out kickflip and heelflip (on the right surfaces, at least) pretty much every try. Less so with heelflip, but still. Varial flip was never at that level. But today, I landed like 3 on flat not moving. I clearly remember a moment where it just clicked and I was like "oh, that's what it feels like!" And it felt as easy as a shuvit and I just popped, flicked, floated and the board just lined up right under my feet. And I came damn close to landing it moving, but I just couldn't stick it. I had to tap out.

What I kinda want to get off my chest - which is a fun way of putting it, once you see what I'm gonna talk about - was something I was freaking out about while skating. When I went to the doctor's office, they told me I have high blood pressure. Like... that's not heart rate, right? Like... pressure is different. And they were going to check it again to see if it was just anxiety, but like... they didn't. So that lack of resolution has just been sticking with me. And I got really anxious about it today. Like, I was getting chest pains and tightness and shit. And I've been getting that a lot from anxiety, so like... if I was having actual heart and pulmonary issues, I probably wouldn't notice, honestly. So I would just get a lot of invasive thoughts about like... exercising too hard, pushing myself too hard and then just fucking passing out and collapsing in the park. Like... I'm old now, or something. And I like... I'm not that old. I keep hearing people around my age, mid-30's, and they keep acting like they're in their fucking 60's or something. It's fucking weird, sorry. Like, my body aches too, guys. My back feels like garbage, my neck and posture are fucked, my hips have decided to secede and are staging regular protests against the rest of my body. I'm tired all the time, when I get hurt it takes a lot more to get me back up, I get tired quicker, shit like that. But I'm not fucking old. The people who consider me old don't consider themselves young and they're like 18. So... I'll consider calling myself old when I get to my mid 50s or something, thanks. But on the pulmonary front, I want to make sure I'm not being too cavalier and overlooking potential health issues that are avoidable, because I do have a history of blood-related issues (clots) and I do not have the best diet. I actually have a pretty poor diet. So... yeah, just wanna make sure that didn't creep up on me, and today was especially bad anxiety-wise in that department.

But, on the plus side, some kids saw me skating from their apartment... and they actually saw me land my first varial flip of the year and fucking cheered! I was listening to music in my headphones so I was just oblivious to the outside world, and they cheered so loud that I could hear them! It made me so happy. I wanted to say something about like... if there are any gods that give a fuck about them, I hope they throw some good stuff their way, but man, it's been a hot minute since I've heard anyone talk about religion publicly and that... feels a bit scary, honestly. Feels like people are just gonna come after you if you're polytheistic in 2023, you know? Weird shit, when we're supposed to be all evolved and progressive and whatever but yeah. I guess... I hope good fortune finds those two young men, for bringing excitement and joy to the heart of this grieving, depressed 36 year old snowskater.

Since I didn't have water, I ate a bunch of snow when I was out, but that wasn't nearly enough and I just came back early. And that was basically my night. I finished the night by polishing another one of those stones and watching another "episode" and a half of the Subnautica VoDs. Now I'm here.

Another cool idea I had, which I shared with my brother because I know he's really into languages... I decided to search Twitch today for streamers who speak French. I took 3 years of French in college, and I surprisingly still understand a lot. I could never speak it, but I can read it okay, just really slow. So I found someone who was playing League of Legends, a game I am pretty familiar with (but haven't played in like... 5 years?) and just... had that going in the background. And I got the Google Translate app thing for Chrome so I can just select a word that I don't know in the chat and it will real-time translate for me. I could follow a surprising amount, considering I haven't studied French since like... 2004. Wow, almost 20 years. Crazy. I'm pretty sure if I keep that up and just periodically try to like... figure out where they are in conversation? I'm sure I'll start picking up more and more. And maybe eventually I'll be able to chime in some short sentences every now and again. Who knows. I thought it was cool, something new to spice things up and to contribute to intellectual/skill development.

I am fucking tired. I need to go to bed. Byeeee.

[honghunni]

"I'm going to fucking ruin you today."

San x Bottom male reader

Non Idol oneshot

NSFW SMUT

2794 words

Contains: Slight Impact play | Bondage | Breath play | Unprotected sex | Public sexual activity | Orgasm denial | Dominance and Submission | Wax Play | Hair Pulling | scratching | Light Blood Play |

You woke up to the sound of the front door closing and your boyfriend, San, shuffling around the house. You rolled over and saw the time. 9:30 am. You heard his small giggles get louder as he approached the bedroom. San walked into the room with a box and a boxcutter. "San what are you doing?" You mumbled half awake. He sat at the end of the bed facing away from you and started opening the box, continuing to snicker to himself. Once he opened the box and started playing with what was inside his playful giggling became slightly maniacal. "I was worried this wasn't going to arrive on time."

You sat up and crawled towards San wrapping your arms around his shoulders, still not quite completely awake yet. Your drowsiness subsided a bit when you realised he was holding a small, purple, insertable vibrator.

You pointed at it.

"We have enough of those why did you get another one."

San removed your hands from his shoulders and gently pushed you onto the bed. "This one is different." He began explaining while sitting on top of you. "This one has a wireless remote..... I can control it from anywhere."

"Is there any reason why you wanted this to arrive today?" You asked. "We have a double date lunch with Wooyoung and Seonghwa today." He paused briefly to kiss you. "And I want to see how long you can last before you start begging." He said in an extremely patronizing tone. He jumped up and went to the shower. You didn't know how to react to what just happened. You did all the stuff you typically do while San is showering. As usual, you were ready to shower right when he was finished, he thinks it's a coincidence but you actually timed it because you like seeing him right after he showers.

"Tell me when you're done showering and keep the door unlocked." He said while walking past you back into the bedroom. You did as he said and unsurprisingly, he walked in with the vibrator and a small bottle of lube. He put them both on the bench "Come here." He said while aggressively pulling you toward him. He held you close and kissed you. Without warning, he suddenly slipped one of his fingers into you, it wasn't painful since he had a small amount of lube on his finger but it was slightly uncomfortable since you weren't expecting it. You reflexively moved because of it.

San held you tighter trying to stop you from wriggling. "Stop squirming." He chided. He fingered you slowly and with his other hand, he gently stroked your hair. "I've been a bit bored lately, " He explained. "You've been busy and we haven't had much time to do something fun." He slid his fingers in deeper causing you to gasp a little. He looked at you. "There?" He asked. You nodded and he smiled. Once he thought it was time he picked up the vibrator. "Look at me," San demanded. He slowly inserted the vibrator inside of you, you owned a few vibrators but you could really feel this one because of the way it's curved. It wasn't even turned on yet.

San turned it on and your knees buckled slightly, it caused you to break eye contact with him. San forcefully grabbed your face and pulled your head up.

"Look. At. Me." He growled and then smiled. "This is only the mid setting." He laughed. "I am going to fucking ruin you today."

He grabbed your hand. "Don't forget this is the non-verbal safe word." He said while drawing a circle and then an X on your palm with his finger.

He turned it off but not before briefly turning it to the highest setting just to fuck with you. He put the remote in his pocket.

You took a moment to both recover and mentally prepare for what San was going to do to you. You continued to get ready for the day.

You and San both arrived at a small strip mall cafe and sat down at a table. You weren't waiting long before you heard Wooyoung's distinctive shrilly chatting down the street. "Hiiii San," Wooyoung said loudly. "Hi y/n." Seonghwa leaned down to San and spoke in a hushed tone. "I will be back in a minute he hasn't shut up the whole way here and I need a break from him."

Wooyoung sat down and scanned the menu that was taped to the table.

"How have you been," San asked him. "I've been well for the most part," He replied while tapping his feet. "Seonghwa hasn't been home much recently though."

"Oh, why is that?" You interjected.

Wooyoung draped over the table. "He says he has to work overtime."

"Woo get up please we can't see the menu," San said.

"Sorry." He sat back up. While choosing what you wanted to eat you felt San gently hold your hand and saw him put his other hand in his pocket and then shortly after you felt the vibrator turn on which caused you to grip his hand, he gripped back. Seonghwa returned.

"I'll go in and order just tell me what you want. I come here a lot with my coworkers so I have the menu memorised." Said Seonghwa.

Wooyoung and San both told Seonghwa what they wanted and then it was your turn. As soon as you started telling him what you wanted, San turned the vibrator up a bit higher, making it slightly difficult to get your words out. After you told him what you wanted, he looked over to San skeptically and went inside to order. San turned the vibrator back down, though this made it easier to talk and function you also wanted him to turn it up again.

Seonghwa came back with some drinks, sat down and placed a small black object on the table. "They will be 5 minutes." He announced.

"What is that for?" You pointed at the black square on the table that Seonghwa brought with him from inside. "That's a coaster pager it vibrates and beeps when our food is ready." He explained.

"Ah, that's kinda c-..." You couldn't finish your sentence since San had suddenly turned the vibrator up quite high. "Are you okay?" Wooyoung asked concerned.

Seonghwa appeared to be quietly giggling to himself.

You tried your best to engage in conversation with everyone without making it obvious what San was doing to you. The small pager on the table went off and the moment it did San turned the vibe up very high. He had timed it so that it would mask the sound. All you could do it lay your head on the table and focus on not moaning. "Sit up, Seonghwa won't be able to put the food on the table otherwise."

You pulled yourself off the table and San quickly whispered in your ear.

"You're not allowed to cum if you do I'll make sure you can't walk for a week."

Seonghwa placed the food you all ordered on the table and Wooyoung immediately started eating. He placed his arm around Wooyoung's shoulder and also started eating while talking about.......what are we talking about? All you can think about is your boyfriend and trying not to cum. "Are you going to eat?" You heard Seonghwa ask you. Your brain started somewhat functioning again. "Yeah I- I was just distracted by something."

Seonghwa smiled to himself. "Yeah, I know you are." He looked directly at San. "Text me where you got it from." You choked on your food, realising that he knew exactly what was going on. "Get what from? Is he okay? What is going on?" Wooyoung questioned. "Don't worry about it, just don't blame me for what's going to happen to you in about 2 weeks." San giggled. Wooyoung was still very confused. You began trying to eat your food when suddenly San placed his hand on your thigh, you realised then how much your leg was shaking. He pressed down a squeezed your leg trying to stop you from shaking so much.

You continued chatting and eating and reached for your drink.

San turned up the vibrator to the highest setting causing you to spill the drink on yourself, you didn't have time to react to that however as you realised you had failed to stop yourself from cumming. At least the water all over your pants hid any evidence. You grabbed San's hand and drew a circle and an X on his palm with your finger, signalling for him to stop. He turned it off. Wooyoung went to help you but Seonghwa stopped him. He and San both looked at each other. "I assume you're leaving early." Laughed Seonghwa. San helped you up. "Yeah." San moved your plate toward Wooyoung. "You can eat the rest." Wooyoung leaned back in his chair. "I'm so lost...." He said.

You and San both left and walked into a single stall bathroom together. "Did you cum?" He asked while helping you clean up. "Yes." You answered. "Pathetic." He jeered. You removed the vibrator and put it in your pocket before leaving.

You got home and San threw you on the bed wasting absolutely no time and attacking you with kisses. You felt him grinding against you.  You kind of found it cute how easily and quickly he got hard. He stopped and walked over to a box where you kept all your toys and laid out everything he was going to use and then took off his shirt.

He positioned himself on top of you, grabbed your hands and placed them on his chest. "This is the only chance you get to touch me before I tie you up." You dragged your hands down his body and then sat up and pulled him towards you. He hugged you. You took the opportunity to mess with him a little bit, after all he put you through today (and what he was about to put you through) you wanted a bit of revenge.

There was one place that made San weak. You licked up from the base of his neck to his ear and his nails dug into your back. He let out a small moan. You bit down gently on his ear and you felt his entire body relax. "Fuck you." You heard him say quietly and slightly angrily. He pushed you down and firmly held down your wrists. He abruptly grabbed your neck and squeezed hard. "You didn't think you would actually get away with that, did you? Especially not after you're already in trouble for cumming without permission." He kissed you deeply which only made it harder to breathe. He stopped choking you and started kissing your neck while unbuttoning your shirt.

He took a ribbon and tied your hands together and then tied the rest of the ribbon to the bed. He began kissing down your body, biting occasionally. He took a red candle. "I think this is the one that burns the most." He said while lighting it. San held the candle over you and you watched the wax slowly melt, when it hit your skin the pain was sharp and sudden, the wax cooled quite quickly so the burning didn't last long, however, there was a lasting subtle feeling of heat and sensitivity. You flinched each time it dripped onto you which San clearly enjoyed. Eventually, he had covered most of your torso with hot wax.

San then held the candle over his neck and let it drip onto his skin, he winced but evidently liked the feeling of it. He let it drip a few more times before blowing the candle out. He peeled the pieces of wax off of you as well as the few drips on his neck revealing small red burn marks. He took the time to kiss the burn marks which was slightly painful. San took off your pants as well as his and flipped you over, he hit and aggressively grabbed your ass. "I saw this recently so I'm going to see if it has the same effect on you." You looked back at him. "What is it?" You asked. San lubed up a very small corded bullet vibrator and inserted it as far into you as he could.

He then slowly eased himself into you,

you had never had someone fuck you with a vibrator inside you at the same time. San held your head down. "I'm only going slow right now because I feel generous." He said. Because of the vibrator it felt like he was going much deeper than he actually was. He smacked the back of your thigh hard which made you yelp.

"Does that hurt?" San asked.

"Yes." You answered.

"Good." He said while hitting you again. He pulled your hair, forcing your head back.

You could feel his other hand tightly gripping your waist, you could feel him pull your hair harder after every few thrusts. He let go of your hair and pulled out to remove the vibrator. "I can't be too rough with the vibrator or it might get lost," San said while turning you over again to lay on your back. He untied the ribbon that was restraining you giving you a short break before changing to 2 ropes. He tied your wrists to opposite sides of the bed having your arms effectively stuck to the mattress. San leaned over you and cupped your face with his hands.

"You're so cute." He said gently while sliding his hands down your face and neck. When his fingers reached your chest he dragged his nails down your torso, his nails caught on the burn marks from the candle and it felt as if he was dripping wax on you again. You inhaled sharply because of the pain and as you did San suddenly slammed into you. He grabbed your leg and put it over his shoulder which helped him get a better angle. He placed his hand on your neck tightly. You could hear his breath begin to become shakey, he put more of his weight onto your neck.

"You're not allowed to cum you have already cum once today." He let go of your neck and put two of his fingers in your mouth, impulsively you bit down a little. San pushed down forcing your mouth open.

"No biting." You had to grip the bed because of how rough he was being with you, even though you were tied down it felt as if you didn't hold on you would fall off. He suddenly stopped. "You're bleeding, should we stop?" You realised the rope had rubbed and cut into your wrists as well as bleeding from San going a bit too hard. You looked up at San.

"I don't think it's an issue." You said.

He untied you and lifted your wrist up to his mouth. Still fucking you, but less aggressively, he licked the small amount of blood off you. He immediately leaned in and kissed you, going back to the fast pace he was going at earlier.

The taste was metallic. He tangled one of his hands into your hair, his other arm around your waist. You could feel his sweat dripping onto you, the heat from his body slightly re agitated the burn marks. San pulled his face away from yours and buried his face in your neck, his grip tightened and you could feel his body shudder.

You put your arms around him and he stopped and you felt him relax, practically melting into you.

"Did you-" before you could finish your sentence San interrupted.

"We've had sex how many times and you still can't tell when I've cum?" He said breathlessly. He jumped up. "I should have known you would bleed I should have used a towel. Does it hurt?"

You shook your head. "Nothing really hurts more than usual."

San went and got a towel and a few other things to take care of you. After you had both cleaned everything and put on clothes San sat on top of as he often likes to do. He gently lifted your shirt.

"What now? Are you still not satisfied?"

"I'm not doing anything like that," San replied.

He placed his thumb on a part of your stomach and you felt a sort of cold sensation.

"I'm treating your burn marks." He attentively treated every small little wax burn on your body, you slowly started to drift off to sleep due to how exhausted he had made you. Before you fell complete asleep you felt San lean into you close to your ear. He whispered.

"I love you."

[klirk-hammurton]

I just need to get this off my chest....I've typed this on multiple occasions and deleted because this is so out of character for me. I am not a threat to myself or others, I'm just venting because I don't have much else to turn to. I've been holding this in for weeks.

⚠️⚠️CW: mentions of s*lf h*rm, prob*tion, mental health⚠️⚠️

I'm usually not one to post personal things like this, but I'm going to be real with everyone. I'm genuinely not doing that great mentally and emotionally.

The month of March kicked my fucking ass and life is still fucking me. Beginning of March, my grandmother (mawmaw) was emitted in the hospital for severe internal bleeding and thankfully recovered. About a week or so after that, my brother had a run in with the law. Violation probation, it's not looking too great for him. End of the month, my dad started to get fuzzy vision in his eye. What was a routine check-up turned into a diagnosis of type II diabetes (he's never shown any signs of turning diabetic in the past from blood work so it was a shock).

Beginning of this month, he needed a surgery to biopsy his temporal artery (temporal ligation). His primary thinks he could be developing temporal arteritis, which could be causing his vision to get blurry or it could be the diabetes affecting his vision. We won't have results until next week. If he has temporal arteritis, he can't take the medication he needs for it because of the diabetes.

Within the household I'm staying, I'm being treated as second rate. I bust my ass at work. I'm trying to do things with my life, but it doesn't seem to exist to anyone. I'm being disrespected so much, even if it is discretely. People are willing to bend over backwards for my brother that has been nothing but trouble, but the second I need something, I'm an inconvenience. My needs don't matter. My mental health doesn't matter. I in general do not seem to matter, and it's weighing me down.

This isn't the first time my brother has been busted. It's not the first time he's been locked up. I can't even begin to name the number of felony charges he has. He's going on 40 this year and gets everything handed to him. I'm struggling and nobody seems to care. I need help and nobody seems to care. The second my brother needs something???? Everyone is leaping to his every beckon call. He's been given everything in life, but me???? I don't seem to matter.

I'm hard on myself. I'm drained. I've had too many mental breakdowns to count. I can't vent in this house without basically being told to suck it up because my mawmaw "can't help" but will jump the second my brother needs something. My dad???? If he needs something, she blows a gasket. I feel like I'm drowning....I'm drowning in my own head and thoughts.

I'm starting to believe these intrusive thoughts that maybe I really don't matter. That maybe people could be better off without me. But I keep finding ways to avoid facing these thoughts. I've been trying so hard to stay strong. I put on this brave face every day so nobody worries. I bury myself in Fandoms to escape reality.

I used to self harm, but I forced myself to quit because it got to the point I wasn't feeling anything years ago. I probably have the occasional drink a little too often, but not enough to be an alcoholic. I've smoked a few cigarettes and they did nothing. I can't afford therapy so I find different coping mechanisms because the Healthcare system sucks ass. I hate feeling like this. I hate that I'm writing this, but this is my only escape.

I'm sorry if I'm being a drag.

I'm sorry if this worries you, but I am okay. I promise I won't hurt myself.

I'm sorry I've been hiding behind this mask for so long. I feel like I've cheated you. That I've lied to you. I feel like an imposter sometimes. I'm just so tired and filled with so many emotions.

I just needed to get this out. I haven't been feeling myself like I was in the beginning. I feel like I've let you all down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I love you all so much. I'm going to try to rest today. I'm running on maybe 2 and half hours of sleep and pulled an 8 hour grave shift. I'm exhausted.

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

8/9 - 12:51PM

Whoops. I kind of forgot this blog existed, lol, my bad.

Not much has been happening though so that's alright. Here's the rundown regardless for anybody who might be bothering to keep up with this blog (I know at least two of you, hello!).

So far, everything is healing up pretty well. I haven't really needed painkillers in quite some time, though I've taken some once or twice when my chest happened to have more shooting pains/twinges than usual. Not because I needed it - the pain has been manageable - but because I am kind of worried that if I don't take pain meds, it'll get worse, and I'd rather kick it before it gets to that point. Nothing crazy though, I haven't had the oxycodone in a while.

Itching isn't as bad finally, though it is still frustrating. We've been changing out bandages and cleaning the grafts, which look gnarly as hell but are progressing well, I think. The steri-strips over the incision marks is starting to peel off as the stitches beneath them dissolve. I'm going back to the medical centre again for a post op appointment on the 11th, which is also when I'll yet again attempt to contact someone about that goddamned paperwork.

Ah yeah, the paperwork. Where I'm at there: apparently I was denied paid medical leave because I'm like, 50 hours short of having worked at a real job for an entire year. I wasn't going to bother appealing the decision because like... it's not as though I can magically provide another 50 hours of work out of nowhere, I doubt they'll approve me.

But shortly after I got that news, I got an email from work basically stating that I should appeal it, because if I don't get medical leave approved, all they can do is put me on a thirty day leave of absence, and then I have to use my PTO to cover any other recovery time.

I personally think that sounds like horseshit, especially since (wrong form or not), they have a doctors' note written by my surgeon in his own handwriting stating that I'm not supposed to really go back to work until September 9th. So what exactly can you do except allow me to recover for that long? Firing me over it (since by the way, I don't even have enough PTO, since I've only accrued maybe thirteen hours in the last half a year) seems illegal.

But whatever. I'm gonna appeal it. However, unless I want to actually meet with a court and have a hearing - and I very much do not - what I can do instead is just request a review or something. Unfortunately, for that, I need the correct paperwork - which if you recall, is floating around in Red Tape Hell somewhere in the far off distance.

So I'm gonna wait another day to see if that paperwork gets back to me, but if it doesn't, what I am going to do is contact my social worker - he called that same day I was dealing with this shit at the medical centre and when I told him what was up, he said that if this isn't taken care of in a week, to call him and tell him and he'll try and get people moving.

Unrelated - I hope - but I got a horrible nosebleed the other night too. Like... I'm not gonna get too graphic but it was freaky. Lots of coagulated gross shit and way more blood than I feel is normal. I used to get terrible nosebleeds when I was younger due to stress and cold/dry weather usually, and I could breathe much easier when it stopped, so I'm pretty sure that it wasn't anything serious, just a combination of factors and my congested sinuses finally clearing out somewhat. But I'm trying to keep a mental eye on things just in case it might be something to worry about.

And that's where I'm at with that.

Otherwise... life is about the same as usual. I just play video games, watch videos, try to spend more time reading or drawing or anything but looking at a screen because I do that way too often. I've been obsessed lately with WolfQuest, an oooold game I used to adore as a preteen that I recently rediscovered. You play as a wolf in Yellowstone, and it's centred on realism/teaching you through gameplay about Yellowstone's wolves. I like it.

Mentally: stressed. It was nice up until the 4th or so to just. Not have anything to freak out about. But of course with the nonstop haranguing by my job and the inability to get medical leave squared away ASAP, it's right back to frayed nerves.

Which I hate but hey, capitalism.

I'm stressed about money, and already thinking maybe I should try to be... I dunno. Doing something worthwhile, as in, worthwhile to society so that I can get money to scrape by with, but I'm not physically capable of most things right now. I just really wish I could find an at-home job that I could survive on so I didn't have to put up with this, it's destroying me mentally, and I'm not even WORKING right now. (Which is part of the problem while simultaneously meant to be the solution.)

I'm trying to distract myself as best I can from the thoughts though, because I never get to just exist without stressing about work, and I want to make the most of it before I'm thrown headfirst back into the Rat Race.

And that's about it, yup. Anyway, I'll try and update again soon.

[time-overload]

I'm still really struggling but I don't think it's good for me to isolate myself more than I already do. I've been in my head too much. I'm really afraid about the future. I have felt like I've been in a fog since I woke up this morning. I'm trying really hard to get better but I didn't think it was going to be this difficult. I'm in so much pain all the time I can barely move when I get home from work. I spend most of my weekends recovering from the week and I really don't do anything or talk to many people because I simply don't have the energy and I'm kind of crabby and don't want to bring anyone down. I've been having muscle spasms in my back that keep me up all night. Nothing really seems to help. It's almost impossible to get comfortable when I'm sitting, even in the recliner. I can't focus or accomplish much. Basic tasks are a challenge. I'm really weak. My room is a disaster and it's too damn hot to clean. Everything is piling up around me. My mental illness is getting in the way too. I can barely take care of myself and I feel like I'm way too young to be feeling this way. I feel like no one understands.

I just keep getting busier at work and I feel like I can't keep up with the standards I set for myself several years ago. I just run all day long now. I really enjoy what I do and I put my best effort into everything but sometimes I probably overdo it. I genuinely care about improving the quality of life for other people but I can't seem to do it for myself. I'm burning more calories than I can take in. I've been given a lot more responsibilities which normally wouldn't be a bad thing if I could physically handle it. It seems so easy for other people but I guess I have no idea how they feel. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job if I get any worse and I can't find a different job and I feel stuck where I'm at. I'm scared about Winter because things are only going to get harder. Every day feels like torture lately.

I'm afraid to go back to the doctor and have them dismiss me again. I wish the pain would go away. I don't want any more bills for nothing. I can't take any more sick time for a while either so I just have to tough it out and hope that I can fix myself again. I haven't been drinking because it just makes me feel worse and I know I can't do it anymore. Maybe someday I will be able to have a drink (responsibly) when I'm healthy again but until then I am staying far away from it. It isn't even appealing at this point. I even turned down an invitation to a party because I just don't want to be around that and I probably wouldn't be able to enjoy it anyway. It makes me sad because I really miss having friends and I'm tired of locking myself in my room.

I've been working on eating better but it has been a nightmare for me. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food my entire life. I either eat way too much or not enough. I have a hard time eating when I'm stressed because it feels like I have knots in my stomach. All of my "safe foods" are horrible for me. I've always been super picky and avoided social situations that involved food because they created a lot of anxiety for me. I've always preferred eating by myself because then no one could judge me. It makes it hard to have healthy friendships especially when I already feel socially awkward a lot of the time.

I kind of feel like I was doomed from the start. I was born 2 months early via emergency c-section. My mom had toxemia preeclampsia and we both almost died. I was seperated from her before she even got to hold me and was taken to a different hospital by ambulance. I was 3lbs 2oz and I spent the first month of my life in the NICU. I feel like I've always been a little different. I have always been small and my doctors have told me that's just the way I'm built and I hate it. I was always envious of curvy girls because I've gotten tired of being called a "twig" or "chicken legs". I got bullied a lot and people would refer to me as the "anorexic girl" in middle school. People still make insensitive comments about my weight all the time and it sucks but I've learned to live with it. I have felt ashamed of my body because of that.

We grew up really poor and my dad was the only one that worked while my mom stayed home. They didn't always have money to buy a ton of food so I adapted to eating a lot of processed foods that have minimal nutritional value. I usually skipped breakfast and sometimes lunch when I was a teenager and would have an energy drink or a soda instead. We rarely ate vegetables at home other than potatoes and corn. My mom would cook dinner sometimes but it was usually a cheap boxed meal that she would make me finish while I took care of my siblings and she sat in the garage and talked to herself while chain-smoking and drinking her evening bottle of wine. It was hard to thrive with the way she treated me and I felt like a burden to her. She would often be too hungover to take me to school or she would forget to pick me up. There was a period of time when she was very violent. She got arrested multiple times. She assaulted my dad and punched me so hard I had a black eye for a week and she doesn't even remember doing that. She stole all of the money I had in my savings account for college and blew it on whatever she wanted. I knew she was sick but it didn't make it any easier to deal with because I know that's not who she really is. She used to be very kind and loving. It was incredibly stressful for me and I was coping by not eating as much as I should and stealing her cigarettes and alcohol so I can't say I was much better than her. My dad wasn't really able to cook because he was too busy working or getting abused by her so I really can't blame him. He did the best he could at the time and I don't know where I would be without him. Thankfully they got divorced and we got out of that situation but it hasn't been an easy journey since then. We tried so hard to help her but she refused and mental healthcare in this country is awful. There aren't a lot of resources out there unfortunately. My relationship with her hasn't improved and she still thinks I'm this horrible, evil person and it's unlikely I will ever see her again because she refuses to come home and cannot comprehend that she has something wrong with her. I still love her anyway.

Although I can make some things, I never really learned how to cook properly, even when I became an adult and had my own kitchen because it wasn't a priority for me at the time. I naively thought I could eat fast food all the time without suffering the consequences. I thought I was invincible or something. It didn't help that I lived with someone who also struggled with the same thing. When I was younger, I rarely ate a meal that was made from scratch except for on holidays or when I would go visit my grandparents because there was just too much drama going on at home to eat together as a family. The most I ever weighed was 130lbs when I started college and I felt amazing but it has been downhill from there. It didn't help that I did a lot drugs and made a lot of bad choices after that. I know my growth has been stunted from poor nutrition and anemia. I've been doing a lot of research to try to understand why I have such a difficult time with eating and apparently premature babies are more likely to develop eating disorders later in life along with other mental health conditions. It doesn't help that 2 of my permanent teeth didn't develop and sometimes makes eating uncomfortable. Implants aren't really an option at the moment so I'm trying to deal with that too. I am afraid to have another surgery because of my previous experience. Having sepsis last year really kicked my ass too and I'm still not over that either. I feel like I'm falling apart and I'm not even 30. I don't know what to do.

I'm not trying to make excuses or complain about anything, I just need to talk about it because I don't really have anyone. Everything is so overwhelming right now. I'm doing my best to handle everything on my own. I've been trying to do yoga and meditate when I feel good enough to. I mostly drink water now and I've cut back on caffeine a lot. I have still been trying to eat 3 times a day, drinking protein shakes for extra calories, and trying to snack more. Sometimes it hurts to eat and there are some days when I can't meet my goals though and it's still discouraging when I look in the mirror. I don't want to be this thin. I want to be healthy and I don't care if that means being a little bigger. I have never starved myself with the intention of being thinner. I guess it's more about having control over something in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing myself for not doing things right. It makes me feel sick when I hear people tell me they're jealous and they wish they could be as thin as I am but they can't see how much I'm suffering inside. Thinness does not equal health. I know starving myself is a shitty coping mechanism. It doesn't fix anything. I spent too much time trying to destroy myself when the odds were already against me and now I'm not where I want to be. I hate feeling this way. I just want to be normal. I'm not giving up even though I'm feeling really frustrated right now. I'm truly hoping things will get better.