#I've done so much work in therapy this year with how he makes me feel but what's the fucking point if he still behaves like a child

[lovelaceisntdead]

Dad mad because I didn't make dinner yay now I will dissociate forever

[awxcoffeexno]

the patient - part 1

toxic!loganhowlett x reader

like real people do

series masterlist | fic masterlist | part 2 >>

summary: logan's in love w jean, ur in love w logan, and he comes to your bed every night that he cannot spend in hers.

content: more angst, the awxcoffeexno special. terribly, terribly toxic relationship between reader and logan. they both need copious amounts of therapy. this one-shot takes place in the x-mansion where reader is a student of the professor and logan is... well, logan. reader also has powers, you'll learn of them as you go.

warnings: all mentions of jean are actually referring to the phoenix who is extremely mentally unstable, logan mandhandles the reader quite a bit but never hurts her, the relationship portrayed is horribly toxic.

word count: 1.3k

a/n: wowowow im so happy the world is FINALLY sharing in my obsession with logan, he's such a cutie patootie. this fic isn't my best but it's an idea I've had for soooo long that i just had to have a crack at it.

you can sense him coming 3 minutes before he's made the decision to seek you out.

you sit up straight at your desk, eyes flicking down to the research paper you've been working on with the professor. you decide to get the last paragraph in, fingers scrambling across the keyboard to finish your thoughts before logan makes you forget everything.

and then he's at your door, throwing it open without knocking.

"good." he grunts. "you're here."

stepping inside, he locks the door and turns to you. and fuck, you hate this. you hate when he's like this, you hate everything about this arrangement.

well, almost everything. how could you possibly hate the way he walks over to you and leans down, brows set in a deep frown, pulling you up by your jaw? how could you possibly hate the desperation, the need, in his eyes as he he flutters them shut, pressing his lips to yours? how could you possibly hate the smell of wood and tobacco and... logan... as he slips his hand off your jaw to painfully wrap around your throat?

but when you slip into his mind, quiet as a cat, making sure not to give your presence away, his thoughts are swirling mostly with one person. and it's decidedly not you.

"no," you gasp into his warm mouth. "no, logan."

he grunts in protest, moving his mouth from yours to your neck.

"logan, please..." you try again, pushing your hands between you both. you reach for his cheek but grabs your hand in a vice grip and yanks away from you. he will not let you touch his cheek, he will not let you use your powers on him.

"what?!" he snaps. "what do you want."

he hardly even notices his own actions as he uses the same hand to also ensnare your other wrist, squeezing tight to let you know not to even attempt wriggling free.

you swallow thickly and look into his glowering eyes. "you know i don't like it when you... when it isn't about me. when it's about... her. i can't stand it. it feels... wro–"

and his free hand is wrapped around your jaw. you've done it again. you read his mind without his permission after years of him telling you off about it, years of him telling you to "back the fuck off, bub."

but you can't help it. you do it all the time. he lets jean do it. why should you not be allowed? why are you always lesser to him than she will ever be?! especially when she hurts him so much he has to come to you to lick his wounds clean?

jean's... broken. you're perfectly fit. jean's hardly ever there to give him what he needs, you're always by his side, before he even knows he'll need you. it's just how your powers work, and you don't hear him complaining about using the future for his advantage. and yet all he does is think about her. even when he's here to fuck you.

"logan, how about you let me go and go back to carrot top?" you say, evening your voice out in that way you do when you know you can talk people into things with your hand on their cheek. but your hands are both trapped in his crushing grip and there's no way he's going to let you move them.

he's glaring at you. gauging you. and you slip into his thoughts again – yup, he's dreaming of ways to kill you. you snort. well, at least you're on his mind now.

"get the fuck out of my head." he growls and lets you go roughly, shoving you back. you stumble back but hold your ground. he would never actually push you hard enough to hurt.

that's the easiest part about loving logan. feeling safe even when it hurts.

you take a deep breath and restart, voice still even.

"logan?"

you watch his shoulders sag in defeat as he leans against the window sill and sighs.

"logan, i... i just..."

he looks back at you, eyes sluggish. tired. "you just what?"

"i don't like being your... stress ball." you sit down on the bed, massaging your temple because you cannot read his thoughts anymore. he's spending a significant amount of his energy blocking you out.

"don't hear you complainin' when i'm balls deep in you most nights."

you cringe at the crudeness and rub your face. he stands up a little straighter at your reaction, having realised over the years that all your anxious tics reside in your face. the way you rub it, the way you harshly massage your temples, the way you chew on your lip and pull the little baby hairs out of your hairline. and now you're all that is on his mind.

he carefully pads over and crouches down in front of you. eyes softer, way gentler. his hands slip around your wrists again and tighten but this time his grip is friendly, comforting. he's trying to ground you.

"me on your mind, sweetheart?" he says, voice heartbreakingly soft. you simply nod so he continues, "mmm... i hurt you today?"

a lot, you want to say. all you ever want is her. your jean. the jean you'd do anything for even when she's trying to drag the animal out of you and turn you into a beast, logan.

"a little." you settle.

he shifts both your wrists into his left hand and slips his right palm onto your cheek. "how can i make it better?"

you swallow thickly. you have to choose your words wisely. none of your powers would be useful right now, so you lean in and kiss him first.

"i'm scared." you sniffle. "scared of losing you to her completely. you love her, lo. so much you let her chop your mind up into little pieces and put it back together every single day."

his eyes fall in a rare moment of vulnerability so you don't let go of your momentum.

"she's hurting you so much," you whisper, aching to reach out for his cheek and take it all away. "i cannot keep fixing the wounds that she creates."

his eyes snap up to you at that. "well, if you don't want this–"

"no! that's not what i'm saying, james! fuck, i want you! i need you. but it's all i've become to you," you whine with a pathetic sob. "a way to fall asleep at night. a means to an end. a solace from all the pain."

"when you know that that's what this is... that you can take my pain away..." he looks at you, his dark eyes accusatory.

and fuck, what the fuck are you supposed to say to that? what kind of doctor turns a patient away? a patient so desperate for care?

so you close your eyes and let the ache wash over you. several minutes pass in silence and he starts to get up.

"you're right," you finally mumble.

when you open your eyes he's still looking at you.

"i'm sorry. i don't know why i did what i did. of course i want to help."

he's immediately scooping you up and lying you down. logan's easy like that. he never asks too many questions.

he kisses you, softer than he ever has before and starts working his way down your chin and neck and... how does it always end like this for you? with you giving in and him having his way with you. with you under him, tears in your eyes because you do not want him to stop but it hurts so badly to be his second. his second priority, his second thought, his second need.

will you ever be able to deny him?

"open your mouth, sugar." he coos, slipping two fingers past your chewed up lips to let you wet them.

your eyes roll back into your head as you suck on his digits, body reacting in tandem with his.

no, there is no way you would ever deny him anything.

"logan?" you whisper when his pulls the fingers out.

"hmm?"

"i love you."

"i know."

--

i have once again risen from dead. i hope you liked this xxxxxxxxxxx ily

love, d <3

--

part 2 >>

[911lsbts]

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: The episode starts with Tarlos in therapy. How long do you think this problem has been brewing?

RONEN RUBINSTEIN: Season 5 picking up a year since the finale of season 4, I think that justifies the amount of time that it would take for a relationship to start getting a little rocky. I think it wouldn't really make sense if we came back immediately after the honeymoon and things started to go south. For me, it was just really trying to understand where Carlos is coming from and knowing that, yes, TK has his wants and his needs — but at the end of the day, it's always about "How can I be the most supportive, loving, caring husband?" And I think that's just TK as a person. He's done that for his father, for his mother, for Carlos, for all of his firefighter comrades, his paramedic comrades, and all the patients out in the field.

So TK is not necessarily upset with Carlos...

I think the stress and anxiety for TK doesn't necessarily come from, "I'm not feeling seen, I'm not getting attention." It's more of "I'm really scared for my husband and he's hunting down some really bad people that could lead to a really, really scary situation, might even get him hurt." I would be curious to see which one of them suggested we try couples counseling. I would like to think it's TK, and it just shows how incredible their relationship is that Carlos would agree to do it. I think they're obviously so madly in love, and so committed to each other, and they know that they're going to need some extra help in order to figure things out.

And their anniversary gifts show the therapy worked.

It just shows how beautiful these two are and how much they care and love each other and just how uniquely different they are. I think that scene is a perfect example of that. It seemed like it turned out to be a beautiful anniversary.

So what's next for Tarlos?

Well, [TK's step-father] Enzo and [half-brother] Jonah coming into their lives is going to throw a massive wrench into everything. What's cool about the Enzo storyline is it's something I've been asking for and daydreaming about since season 1, since I learned that Enzo was actually the person that raised TK. We're going to have so many questions answered about that dynamic, and we're going to find out even deeper about the dynamic between TK and Owen [Rob Lowe], which you kind of feel like you know everything, but we actually don't. And I think it's going to come to a head of actually what went on with TK and Owen when he was younger. So I'm really excited about that. It brings such an incredible scene between Rob and me. And then with Jonah, that's going to ask a lot of questions. I think a lot of things that the fans have hoped for and have feared, I think that's coming.... You'll know exactly what I'm talking about when that episode airs.

[cassandrasimplex]

Listen, when I say, as an abuse survivor, that Astarion's storyline is written with care, delicacy, and profound understanding: Since I completed it a few days ago, which I found incredibly cathartic and fulfilling due to points of commonality with the nature and causes of my CPTSD, I've been sleeping 7-8 hours a night straight through (instead of 3-5 at a time), my resting heart rate has dropped almost 10 beats per minute, I've had zero nightmares (based not just on what I remember but also on how much I move and talk in my sleep), and my fitness tracker wants to know what I've been doing different lately and whether I can keep it up.

I don't expect this change to be permanent or even long-lasting, but not even months of therapy at a time have ever had a positive effect so strong my tracker picked up on it. Not even when I was in crisis mode and only able to sleep 2 or 3 hours a day was therapy able to improve my sleep and my well-being so immediately. Astarion's storyline from finding Cazador's prisoners to the final confrontation, which took me a bit over an hour, did. If you want to count all the narrative build-up to that climax that gave it meaning, call it six weeks' investment for such a dramatic improvement.

The idea that trauma-aware roleplay can help people with PTSD and especially CPTSD find short-term peace and even a long-term improvement in overall functioning and mental health isn't new to me. I stumbled across it on my own, unguided, 30+ years ago. It's a bit newer to most therapists, but it's an approach used in experiential therapy and some related strategies and had been studied for much longer before its incorporation in such toolkits. But BG3 isn't being sold as therapy; it's being sold as a fun video game to play in one's free time.

The thing about CPTSD and recovery from abuse in general is that you have to practice new ways of reacting to the world. Therapies like cognitive behavior therapy focus on helping the patient replace old, maladaptive patterns of thinking that helped them survive a traumatic situation but hinder functioning in safer environments with intentionally-created ones that would have been too dangerous to practice in the traumatic environment but are healthier and more supportive outside it. These patterns have to be practiced, though; it's not enough to just correct yourself once with a more affirming statement and wait for results. You have to do it over and over until it becomes your new default. And results matter. If practicing the new behavior or thought results in the kind of negative outcome it would have prompted in the original abusive situation, the effect is that the old, maladaptive pattern is reinforced instead: "See? I knew acting that way would be too dangerous. I knew thinking that way would just be lying to myself. I already know what's best. The way I've always behaved in order to survive is what serves to keep me safe."

Which is why Astarion's storyline is both so effective and so astonishingly well done. Over and over, you get the chance to reassure him that your friendship is not merely a set of opportunistic transactions, that you don't want to control him, that you see him as a person rather than a puppet or a tool, that he can refuse to manage your feelings for you or even outright hurt your feelings without being "punished" for it. You can comment out loud to him when you catch him being manipulative and tell him that's not how your friendship works while still accepting and supporting him as a person, as a friend. You can make your friendship with him an environment completely opposite in nature to his relationship with his abuser. You can teach him -- and, if you need it, yourself -- what a safe environment looks like. And you can teach him that his abuser's behavior was successful in an environment created specifically to reserve all power for the abuser, but doesn't serve as well outside that situation, to encourage him to find healthier ways of dealing with the world than the ones that were modelled for him within that trauma. (Am I projecting? Of course I'm projecting; that's precisely what makes roleplay such an effective tool. It's a natural human tendency that can be used to advantage.)

And somewhere in your psyche, if you're a person who needs to hear all that as much as Astarion does, your mind is taking note: "How I thought the whole world works was wrong. Only that one little part of the world worked that way. The world is much bigger than the limited environment that hurt me. There are better ways to live and be." The parts of the brain where trauma plants its deepest roots can't tell the difference between play and reality, between past and present. They can't tell the difference between "I can make a safer environment for this person in front of me" and "I can go back in time and make a safer environment for the person I used to be." (That's why so many abuse survivors feel compelled to help other abuse survivors -- empathy, yes, and identification, but on a deeper level than that; we try to become the person who never showed up to help us.)

And if "this person in front of me" happens to be a fictional character, well, it can't really tell the difference between fiction and reality either -- especially when the fiction has a visible face and an audible voice and convincing expression in both.

I'm not in the slightest saying, "Go out and buy BG3 to fix yourself!" because using roleplay as therapy is far too highly personal and variable to expect consistent results from a script. There might be people whose trauma is reinforced by the same things that spoke so soothingly to mine. Larian is a video game company, not a therapist. But I can't get over the way a video game company for fuck's sake has created such a sensitive, tender, supportive story that it can even accidentally function this way. They didn't have to go so hard. They didn't have to lean so far into empathy. They didn't have to bring so much realism into it. They could have just told an interesting story. They did tell an interesting story -- but someone here decided they needed to tell it so well, so powerfully, that they were going to need to know exactly what living through events like those would do to a person, and how a friend would have to act to support that person in working toward happiness and health.

Well fucking done, Larian. Extremely well fucking done.

And although I can't reasonably expect the current effects to last, I can carry something lasting from here on; I can add "What would I say to Astarion right now?" to the list of questions I ask myself when triggered, when I realize I'm experiencing an implicit flashback. What would I say to Astarion? What would I say to a friend? What would I say to someone I care about who's been through the same things I have? What would I say to myself if I thought I deserved to be happy and free?

[theyoungeragrippina]

🫶🏻 15 gentlebeard/blackbonnet fic recs

(17 if you squint)

hey legends, in this bittersweet period where a lot of a us are feeling gutted but simultaneously, rebelliously hopeful, i've emerged from my reading den to showcase to you all some of the brilliant talent we have in this fandom! these fics are some of the best of the best, and i hope you love them just as much as i do! <3

they are all complete, do not feature any ongoing steddyhands/edizzy/stizzy, and are above 20k words.

peruse part 1, part 2, and part 3 at your leisure if you want to compare our tastes/devour more fine literature, or check out my masterlist as an ao3 collection.

adrift between the dreaming seas by @dandy-pirate-time

49k, mature, locked

stede lives a cursed life on a moving island, until the monotony of his days is suddenly interrupted by the fearsome kraken.

this was such a fascinating & incredible idea! i love how it manipulates aspects of the original story and transforms them into parts of the cursed island <3 sweet & unique & magical. i want to hug poor stede.

Five Birthdays and a Funeral by @bizarrelittlemew

58k, explicit

"When Ed and Stede's friend groups merge, they meet at a birthday party, and Stede's life is turned upside-down. As they collide again and again, he not only has to figure out what Ed means to him, but what he means to himself."

stede gets to be oblivious and a bit of a silly goose as a treat. also: treasure hunts, lucius is the best, ed has a cat whom i would die for, such a sweet & heartfelt fic. you will be so unbelievably fond of this version of every character.

The Ghost of Frigate Point Lighthouse by @piratecaptainscaptainpirates

53k, explicit

"When history professor Stede Bonnet goes to investigate rumors of a ghost haunting the local lighthouse, he's thrust into a mystery centered around the ghost of one of the most famous pirates of all time."

was SO eager to read this and it did not disappoint!! it has everything - fun, magic, mystery, tired TA lucius, and a lil bit of seduction. good enough that i am worried the author may actually just be a sea witch recollecting events he personally witnessed.

Haunted by @thepirateroo

60k, explicit

"The Kraken is a famous spiritualist, working the music halls of 1920s London to help families communicate with their dead. But Stede Bonnet knows that underneath the fame and illustrious title, Edward Teach works as a ghost hunter, debunking the spirits he makes his living off."

this is, genuinely, in the top 5 fanfics i have read for any fandom EVER. i wouldn't bat an eyelid if i read this exact work as a published novel in a bookstore. the mystery is so good and had me guessing and re-theorising constantly, the characterisation is brilliant, and the emotions are perfect. i cried, i laughed, i felt sick with worry for the characters, and i couldn't stop reading until i was done.

haunt me, then by @hyruling

28k, explicit

"He releases the ropes slowly, barely registering the burn as they slip through his fingers. Then, fallible as Orpheus, turns to meet his ghost."

post s1 fixit fics ily. everyone needs some therapy. really VERY well written and a joy to read.

Homeward Bound by mari_who

51k, explicit

"In the long-ago year 2000, bouncy blonde boy-band member Stede Bonnet is 17-year-old Edward Teach's gay awakening. Decades later, Ed hears a voice he could never forget."

i said 'ohhh no poor ed/stede' so many times while reading this. a lovely exploration of emotion and human connection, and finding yourself when everyone else has always defined who you are on your behalf.

I just need some air by @cuddlytogas

26k, teen

"Stede Bonnet's been having panic attacks for almost as long as he can remember, suffocated by pressure and expectation... When [he] finally takes his life back — divorces Mary, moves to Melbourne, starts his own event management business — things get better, but he's still no good at parties. He still needs some air, even at the very events he's brought to fruition. Meanwhile, Edward Teach, renowned chef and owner of Blackbeard's Catering, is wondering why the newest bigwig in events still hasn't hired him."

zoomed through this faster than lightning mcqueen. such a lovely writing of stede, ed and the whole crew - it feels like there's depth in every character, even background ocs.

also fantastic australia rep (i was jumpscared by mention of the cotton on group) AND i've been to the bar the final scene takes place at!!!! most exciting reading experience of my life.

i'll be your treasure by @monksofthescrew

48k, mature

"Wasn't the Dread Pirate Blackbeard rumored to have a hoard hidden somewhere near Essex? It's a metal detecting AU. They're detectorists. They fall in love."

i LOVE this fic so much it is just,,,, so sweet. stede does self-discovery and is seduced. ed is a bit of a goose and i'm obsessed with him. doug and mary are lovely. alma is so cool and i love her.

+ the sequel! drift o'er the rolling hills, swim through the briny sea (made me cry. btw. doug keeps being the best.)

The Kraken's Sacrifice by @trinityofone

22k, explicit

"Every year, a person is chosen—supposedly at random—to be sacrificed to the Kraken, to quell the sea's worst storms and to stop the taking of ships... Stede discovers that there is much more to the creature than he was led to believe—and that they have a deeper connection than he could have ever dreamed."

i LOVED this okay. it was funny and sweet and gave an interesting spin to the ed-is-the-kraken genre. get both of these boys some self-esteem asap. also comes with art by @avatoh!!!!!

lovers in a dangerous time by @veeagainsttheday

52k, explicit

pacific rim au - "Edward Teach becomes a jaeger pilot, first with Izzy Hands and later with Stede Bonnet. It’s not easy trying to save the world and falling in love with your drift partner…"

made me feel every emotion under the sun, including foaming at the mouth jealous that i don't have a drift partner. absolutely, masterfully written. i've popped this link first since its the fic that focuses on stede & ed, but it was written as a prequel for:

+ catagory five: a shatterdome romance by @owlinaminor (27k, mature), which focuses predominantly on jim & oluwande, and which i also massively recommend reading (first). it's told through lucius' words and made up of journalistic notes and transcriptions, and its really terribly clever. i knew nothing about pacific rim before this, and now i'm really very invested. if i wrote something this fantastic (& creative & wildly unique) i would never shut up about it.

More of the Gravy Basket than of the Grave by @veeagainsttheday

36k, explicit

"Ed and Stede’s ‘unorthodox friendship’ ended four months ago when Stede left Ed without a word after Ed asked him to run away to a parallel universe with him. They’re thrown back together when they’re summoned to perform a supernatural exorcism at the Hillside Hotel during a blizzard."

this has got to be one of the coolest and most creative fics i have ever had the pleasure of reading. genuinely kept me guessing and so so intrigued, PLUS the most sweet stede & ed dynamic!!!

Nothing Missing in My Life by @semisweetshadow

63k, explicit, locked

"Hollywood action star Ed Teach is bored with his celebrity life. Everything changes when he meets Stede, a sweet extra working on the set of his latest film shoot. Stede doesn't know who Ed really is and treats him like a real person and Ed can't help wanting to keep him."

ed plays an action hero called jeff the accountant, and if that's not immediately the greatest synopsis ever idk how else to win you over. hilarious, clever, & so heartfelt. i gasped and said 'oh no' with a hand over my heart nearly as many times as i laughed out loud.

not pickles by smallestchurch

84k, explicit

"Ed's minding his business when the new neighbor's kid comes around holding a human puppet. It's creepy as hell, but as soon as the kid's father rounds the corner, Ed doesn't mind."

i actually feel a bit ill when i think about this fic because i love it so overwhelmingly. there's family, and healing, and good food and friends, and ed teach and louis bonnet become the dynamic duo they always had the potential to be.

Our Fangs Mean Death by @flawedamythyst

87k, teen, locked

"Master Vampire Blackbeard's afterlife is enlivened by the arrival of a new coven in town, lead by the self-styled Gentleman Vampire. Now here's a Master who doesn't mind shaking things up by wearing clothes 300 years out of date, buying a massive gothic mansion for a lair, and leading the most eclectic coven Blackbeard has ever seen."

ridiculously fun. this is the vampire novel/fic i didn't know i needed and i loved every silly second. stede really gets to fulfil his dad-ness. i'm furious i can't join the gentleman vampires coven irl, will just need to embrace the gothic vampire aesthetic in my own life.

Wayfaring by @justkeeptrekkin

35k, explicit

"The downside to being stuck on a desert island is that Stede's not awfully good at adapting. The upside is that he and Ed can finally have some peace and quiet– that is, if Ed ever wakes up from the gunshot wound in his stomach."

the sweetest desert island fic, feat. the cutest piglet in the world, a little bit of pining, a helpful skeleton named dusty, and some of the best & most accurately written stede and ed content ever (imo).

[mothduchess]

Kitsune HRT Part 3

Doors, are fucking,

TERRIFYING.

The office was unassuming by itself, yet the details spoke behind the facade's back, hinting to a truer nature. A nick upon the doorplate, how it could be pushed easily from any point on its towering height, or how dirt prints came in more varieties than just shoes. Snap! My gaze scampered upwards. The sun gazed unflinchingly from high above gazing through its mantle of clouds; it weighed like a crown with all of its aching heat. "I wonder how it'd feel with fur," I mused, before turning my gaze back to the office's doorway. I... couldn't distract myself for long. All that research I had done, the pep talk with my friends, they made it very clear: the first visit was the worst of them all. But like anything good and necessary, it still felt larger than it was. I could feel myself take a step back for just a moment. And then I stopped. The words of the kind man from before, and his quiet push to bring me to this place, they rang in my head as a gentle bell. Thoughts of her returned to my mind - my hands unconsciously went over my heart, head rolled to the side. I started to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. The door gave way to a refreshing reprieve an an audience of chairs. "Barely anyone else here... suppose it *is* a work day." The few merits of unemployment aside, it did make me feel still ever so uneasy. I couldn't help it! And it wasn't just fear either. Looking to my side, I saw the wounds upon the wall, infamously left by one of the most notable patients. Those pictures were how I knew this place even existed, and now here I was caught in the wake of it all. I passed the healing plaster patch and shuffled towards the counter. A slight woman greeted me with a smile. "How can I help you?" "I'm here for... um, I think his name was Herian?" "Oh, Dr. Herian. Did you schedule a visit?" "Yes. Uh, it's under-" "Here it is. Miss Wild?" Her pleasant smile set me at ease. I simply gave a nod. "Just sit down, it won't take any time." I sat down. Names, are a tricky thing during transition. You're constantly confronted by them throughout the process. Modern society asks you what you are through your name, but what if you don't know? What if you wished you didn't need one? Right now, my appearance didn't speak for itself but already so many people just called me the truth: "Fox". It wasn't a name, but it was me. I'd gone through earlier versions; Wild was just a nickname that I enjoyed better than the one I buried states away. And maybe this one would meet the same fate. Her voice flittered upon the air. I knew the routine, and followed my part. If the front door was merely daunting, though, the door of Dr. Herian's was something *else*. Not by the door's fault. It was entirely the man inside responsible. A man no younger than 40 sat behind a heavy desk bolted to the floor gazed right through me as I came through, his gaze shielded by thick spectacles. Only wisps of hair decorated his scalp with a bush rounding the rest and sitting over his lips. Theodore Herian was the stern face of the entire program, a genius amongst his field and a veritable boogeyman to the community. Wordlessly I sat before him in the tiny chair provided, shuffling to cut a smaller figure. "Miss..." his eyes glanced at the file before him, "Wild. According to my schedule, you're here on behalf of the Humanity Removal Therapy?" "Correct." "Mh. I see. Specifically.... ah, right. Kitsune, which involves a variant of vulpinestin. We do have the medication-" Here it comes. "-but have you been living as a fox for years, now?" "For as long as I knew what thought was." "Yes sir. I've been presenting as a fox publicly for a while now, both online and in person." Physical visits were so much more stressful than the online consultations my first transition brought with it. And the questions he asked, I felt as if he was investigating the fiber of my being. Pouring water upon glass to find any sign of the slightest crack. "To be clear, what you're asking for-"

"Practically begging for." "-is the kitsune type, not the standard North American Red Fox. This comes with more than just tails. Even more so than other HRT medications, the kitsune comes with notable side effects. Illusions, fire, s..." The voice filtered out. I knew what I was getting into, and I knew to some they'd misinterpret why. 'That I just wanted the powers' or 'it'd be okay if you were just a fox'. I might be a vixen, a creature of cunning and sneering grins - but I wasn't some kind of plotting mastermind! My fingers pinched the sweatpants I came by today in with frustration twisting under the skin. The irritation ran like wax, my mouth pulled into the faint signs of an oncoming sneer. I would be a beautiful vixen even if it killed me. Not for any reason other than to ring in a new spring. "I'll do this. I'm right here. It's almost the-" "MISS. Wild.... Good. You're back. Did you hear what I said?" I gave a flustered nod, which he responded with an exasperated sigh. "Then, I would like to be the first to thank you for coming here, and to let you know - you may pick up your medication at your chosen pharmacy." He handed over a pamphlet that felt as precious as gold in my fingers. For moments, I was on autopilot. Step Step Step Step At some point I recall bidding a polite farewell to the receptionist? But my mind was a buzzing hurricane of thoughts, a whirl of actions. Petals honey gold silk cars sirens light heat skin sweat lock key ho-! My door clicked behind me, the vacancy greeting me warmly. The bag crumpled underneath my fingers. And when I heard that rattle? The light kissing the bottle and coming out changed as an amber gold nectar that seeped into the floor? I wept, and delighted sounds of a fox escaped my throat. Kitsune HRT: Week 1 OH MY GODS OH MY GODS I HAVE THE MEDICINE, AAAAAA -No changes yet. First pills, but so stoked. -Gods I felt I was going to die in that office. -Thank the fucks I do not have oh HELLS. -....I hope I end up fluffy

--------------------------------------------------------------------- <PREV FIRST NEXT>

[little-drop-of-water]

I've finally had the chance to listen to People's Champion in order and I have some thoughts that have been going around my head. Actually, this idea first came when I listened to Sex=Money.

The lines about the therapist seem a bit confusing. Some think he's talking about his own therapist making money out of his situation. Others think he's talking about therapists as a group and that people in Finland are so shocked from him going from "family fierndly" to R rated that they ended up going to therapy.

I think the second take might be closer to what he meant, but of course is not meant to be taken literally. It's an exageration about the way people have overreacted to him moving away from his ESC "family friendly" phase and going back to his most usual not meant for children content.

But then again, the therapist is an interesting character, because they're making lots of money from the situation (they got themselves a brand new Volvo with turbo) at a very low risk to them. And that got me thinking, there's been a group of people that have benefited from Käärijä's fame in a similar way that the therapist does in the song: the media.

This idea that the therapist might be a metaphor for the media/journalists makes more sense to me after Skit and Autiomaa came out.

Skit hit hard on a personal level, even before I read the translation. This is because I overthink a lot and have a hard time forming coherent sentences, so when someone interrupts me when I speak, is really frustrating. Skit reminded me of a bad interview more than a therapy sesion. Think Kelly Clarkson's talk show, where she interrupts her guests and never lets them finish what they want to say. The therapist does exactly that. He behaves like a very unprofessional journalist (you know, like the ones Jere has had to deal with). Not only he interrupts Jere, he also makes assuptions based on what little Jere is able to blurt out before being interrupted again. An actual therapist (or an actual journalist for that matter) would never behave that way.

In Autiomaa, he talks about what he's been going through the last couple of years, how he's been feeling and how he wants to be listened. And then in the MV, the therapist...doesn't pay attention to him. He only takes a picture of him and continues to ignore him. The only notes he takes are "funny guy" and "not married :p", everything else in his note pad are doodles. This is very similar to the way the media has reduced Jere to "the funny party guy" and only care to take his picture, even when he doesn't want to.

So, basically, like the therapist character in the album, the media has done the same things to Jere:

There's a part of the video where Jere and the therapist are watching the headlines about Käärijä. Jere looks uncomfortable,  but the therapist seems to be the one making him watch (not as extreme as in A Clockwork Orange, but he's still forcing him to a point). This reminded me of the times journalists have dug into Jere's past for totally unnecesary reasons, like the time they found out how much he earned in 2022 or when someone else reminded him that he had to sell his moustache and then telling him how far along he's come from that.

*Not paid attention to the deeper meaning of his lyrics, reducing his work to just "party music".

*Reduce him to a cartoonish or clownish character.

*Remind him of unpleasant moments of his past for unnecesary reasons.

*And on top of that, cashed a lot of money from his fame.

[come-away-with-me87]

The Art of Love Chapter 5

Chapter 4 here

******

"Please, have a seat," as you motioned to the seat on the other side of your desk.  Shouta and you both sat down in your respective seats, and he looked around your desk for a moment.  It was primarily scattered with the kids' drawings, but over to the side, there was a picture of you and Kento from your engagement photoshoot.  Even though he's been gone for years, you never had the heart to take it down.  You had told yourself it was a reminder of the decision you had made back at his funeral, but now you were having complicated feelings about everything.

"Is that you and your husband?" Shouta asked, finally speaking up first.  "Oh...oh. That's...that was my fi-fiance, Kento. He passed away a few years ago."  Shouta looked over at you, "I see. I'm sorry."  You looked over at the picture for a moment, then looked back over at Shouta, "thank you."  You two sat there in an awkward silence for another moment, until you said to Shouta, "so, you wanted to tell me about Eri's past and why she's here?"  His shoulders seemed to relax a little bit after the awkwardness, simply replying, "yes."  

Shouta then went on to explain everything from the beginning.  For years, she was used and abused as an experiment to make a Quirk-Destroying drug by the leader of the Shie Hassaikai, Overhaul.  "Her body was destroyed then restored over and over again by Overhaul's Quirk," Shouta said with venom in his voice.  He then went on to explain how he Shie Hassaikai joined forces with the League of Villains, which is when the rescue plan was put in order by a pro-hero named Sir Nighteye.  After much grief and loss, Mirio and a boy named Izuku Midoriya were finally able to rescue Eri, with Mirio losing his Quirk in the process.

"Eri lived a very fearful and secluded life," Shouta stated.  "We never saw her smile for the first time until long after she was rescued, when Mirio took her to the U.A. School Festival.  I've been working with her since then on maintaining her Quirk.  Overall, she shows to be better, but I thought this class could also, in a way, provide a form of therapy to her that the U.A. can't."  You sat there and just looked at Shouta with tears in your eyes; what a heartbreaking situation for a young girl to go through.  You blinked back your tears, trying to remain professional, and brought out some of Eri's artwork.

You slid her self-portrait across the desk to Shouta stating, "this is one that has concerned me the most so far."  Shouta picked up the drawing from the desk and observed it.  "Interesting..." you heard him say for the second time now.  "It's difficult to tell, but this looks like the outfit she was in when she was being held captive in. She had on a tan dress and was covered in bandages."  He put the drawing back down and you automatically looked down at it, saying "it seems she still views herself that way for some reason."  "I agree," Shouta replied, "I'll talk with her about it tonight after we're done training."  

"What exactly are you training her on, if you don't mind my asking?"  He looked up at you thoughtfully for a moment, "I'm helping her train on controlling her Quirk since she was never taught how to. She's shown tremendous progress so far, but still has a ways to go."  You smiled at him in response, "you're pretty remarkable, you know that? You spend your days teaching and training students on becoming heroes, then you spend your evenings training Eri. It takes a pretty special person to do something like that."  Shouta slightly blushed and looked down at his lap, quietly saying, "it's not a big deal."  You just smiled again in response.

He looked back up at you, "the colors she chose for her mandala..." he trailed off, "I believe she associates those colors with Overhaul," to which he explained what Overhaul's outfit consisted of.  "Ah, it makes sense why you said it was interesting when you first saw it. I promise, I will do my best to continue working with Eri through her trauma, and help her become the best version of herself," you said with confidence to Shouta.  "It seems like she is also in excellent hands with everyone at the U.A., so between that and her art therapy, I'm confident that she'll heal."  

It was Shouta's turn to smile at you, "thank you for taking her into your class, Y/N. She thinks very highly of you, saying you're very kind to her. I can tell you're a warm person, and I appreciate you now being a part of not only her healing process, but her life."  Now it was your turn to blush.  "Listen, I don't normally do this, but I would like to give you my personal phone number in case you ever need me for anything...for Eri, of course."  You wrote your phone number down on a piece of paper, and slid it across the desk to him.  "Thank you, Y/N, I appreciate that. I'll give my number as well, in case something happens in the classroom or you're concerned about anything...regarding Eri."

He ripped off a small piece of paper from the one you gave him, wrote his number down on it, and slid it back across the desk to you.  "Well, I better get back to the campus. I have training with Eri and I also have papers to grade. Thank you for taking the time out of your schedule to talk to me."  You smiled over at him, "it was my pleasure."  You both got up at the same time, and you walked him over to the door.  "Thank you, Shouta, for everything you've been doing for Eri; I can tell you've been such a positive influence in her life; she's lucky to have someone like you."  He smiled at you once more, said goodbye, then took his leave.  You couldn't help but stand there and stare at him walking away.

You went back to your desk, picked up the piece of paper with Shouta's number on it, and plugged his number into your cell phone.  You then noticed yourself smiling the whole while.  After you finished putting his name and number in your contacts list, you put your phone down, and took a deep breath.  Sure, Shouta had some sort of effect over you that you couldn't explain, but you only have his phone number for Eri's sake.  That was all.  At least, that's what you told yourself, as you continued to smile down at Shouta's name in your contacts list.

******

To be continued...

******

Tag list: @lili-pond ; @jaguarthecat ; @big-denki-energy ; @ivydoesit23

[mirageofadesert]

Give me more morally gray characters ...

Let me interrupt my regular program for a brief rant about Downton Abbey and Thomas Barrow… well, not really regular as I've been too busy to watch anything with subtitles for the past few weeks. Instead, I passively binged on Downton Abbey while working.

I love morally gray characters, be it Tantai Jin from TTEOTM or Spike from Buffy. One of my favorite characters is Thomas Barrow from Downton Abbey. (Spoiler Alert, TW // suicide, homophobia, conversion therapy)

Thomas is everything I need in a character ... unhinged, angsty and gay.

I loved him from the first rude line to the last. He starts out as a delightful troublemaker with a cruel streak born of fear, hurt and the desire to be respected, fit in and belong. He is, as Baxter understands so well, his own worst enemy, having perfected self-sabotage over the years.

A supporting character for most of the show, the footman-turned-butler's story is usually prioritized over his character development - meaning the writers know where they want him to end up each season, even if it contradicts previous characterizations. This leaves the audience with a character who can be hard to follow at times.

The writing really got on my nerves at times. From conveniently forgetting his medical training when they want him to despair during his job hunt, to pulling any kind of cunning out of him when they want him to appear changed (and depressed), Thomas is always what the showrunners need him to be, but not necessary what would make sense for his character. I'm still annoyed that they made him go through medical torture in the form of conversion therapy and a suicide attempt, and then glossed over these traumatic incidents in favor of boring other storylines. Or how they portrayed his war injury as an act of cowardice rather than desperation.

What I love about him is that he was still a coherent character who remained a morally gray character (the last film aside, because they sort of forgot to give him any of his character traits back). Thomas would still lash out when he was angry or hurt, would still manipulate others for his own gain, and would still feel wronged by the world. Once the world has brought him to his knees, he understands that he has only himself to blame, and he tries to do better - which has its ups and downs. The Thomas we see in the final and in the films still wants to belong, is still a desperate romantic, but he is also so incredibly insecure in a rather endearing way.

Younger Thomas was rather stiff but dignified, trying to appear immaculate, trying to hide the fact that he felt he was anything but. Once the mask comes off, he goes from being a reluctant cat to being full of nervous puppy energy. As a neurodivergent person who has recently struggled with not being able to masks well, I can relate a little too much to this version of Thomas.

Most characters, that start out as villains, either change completely (like Tantai Jin), their behavior will be excused (like Mo Ran or Spike) or they sacrifice themselves for the greater good to redeem themselves (like Spike). Thomas stays more on less morally gray. We understand the reasons better, why he would lash out at others, and we can feel sorry for him. He had a harder life than most, but that still does not undo the harm he has done to others.

All in all, the last film was a bit of a disappointment for me, mainly because a lot of the characters felt a bit off. I had to watch the film twice to get behind the romance with Guy Dexter. What Guy meets is Thomas desire to be respected as a person, to be seen as worthwhile, to escape the life as decorative wallpaper and to finally have a romantic relationship with someone that is rather enthusiastic about him. A lot of their relationships seems to have developed off-screen, based on Guy knowing who Carson was during his proposal and understanding how uncertain Thomas still feels about his role in the household. I wish them well - but not at the expense of Thomas being excluded from the rumoured 3rd film. I hope it takes place in the USA and we get to see him again!

I really wish we would see more morally gray characters like this, even through a quick look into the fandom of Downton Abbey shows me, that not everybody can handle it.

[a-substantial-trash-pile]

real downer mental health stuff below cut. sorry. it's been a real hard couple weeks and i need to get things out somewhere or i'll go crazy.

i just need to get my feelings written out because right now i feel like im going to explode and i can't afford therapy right now and i can't talk to any friends because i cant live with the guilt of burdening them with my problems. so this is the only way i can think of getting it out of me. but i still feel guilty even doing this so im turning reblogs off because i don't want anyone to feel like they need to provide words of comfort or anything like that. would turn off replies to this post too if i knew how to do it. i just need to get it Out.

a few weeks ago, my family had a discussion about putting our old dog down. he's deaf and blind and has dementia that's gotten much worse this year. and he isn't really "living" anymore. i'm not sure he even knows who i am anymore. and it hurts so so bad. i know it's time. but it hurts so fucking bad. i don't want to be the one to make the phone call and make the appointment and solidify the date i lose him forever, so i asked my dad if he could do it. my mom wanted to do it immediately but my dad said he would make the call after my mom's surgeries for her parkinsons that was happening this month. i know my dad doesn't want to put our dog down. the whole thing was brought up in the first place because my mom keeps bringing it up. and it makes her and my dad argue which is not what i fucking want right now. she tends to bring up the subject with my dad and i at the worst times, when im feeling especially terrible. she just had her last surgery yesterday so she brought it up again tonight. the way she brings it up has kind of really sucked for me. i was already feeling especially depressed because everything was just feeling so overwhelming today (stress from thinking about my dog and also hearing that my mom fell on her face and got hurt while i was at work). the past couple times my mom has brought up my dog with me, she's started it off by asking if i had been crying and then when i say that i was, she asks when we're putting our dog down. i don't know why she's doing it like this. i feel upset at her for doing it this way, but at the same time i feel bad for being upset at her because she has parkinson's and just had surgery. even though the surgery went well, i still feel guilty that i'm upset with her.

i couldn't give my mom a straight answer because again, i don't want to be the one to solidify the date, so i told her i'm waiting for dad to make the phone call. she said, "ok i'm going to tell dad." then i went downstairs and cried while she immediately went to tell my dad. i could hear my parents argue about it. it's not a subject my dad likes to acknowledge and my mom has been really pushy about it with him and me. i regret and feel guilty about asking my dad to make the call. i should have just sucked it up and said i would do it. i think i might have to be the one to do it. but it hurts so fucking bad.

whenever my mom talks about it with my dad, she always tries to pressure him by bringing up how sad it's making me. when she does that it feels like im being made into the main "reason" to put our dog down. that if we don't put him down as soon as possible, my mental health will keep spiraling. and yeah, im not doing great right now, but i don't want to keep hearing it brought up over and over like that. i don't want to feel like it's my fault. i know my dog needs to be put down. but i don't want to feel like it's because of me. does that make sense? is that selfish? is the amount of crying i've been doing not "normal" in this situation? it's not like i cry all day. i only do it at night and i try to hide it as best i can. i don't want my mom to see and tell me "this is why we need to put him down now." which she has done before. i don't know. it just hurts so bad.

i haven't been able to tell my mom about how she's been upsetting me. because she'll get upset about it if i do. and i feel bad for being upset in the first place. because i know in the end, these actions she's taking is because she's worried for me. she just. doesn't think things through all the time. she's always spoken before thinking. although im not sure if her parkinson's has made this habit worse. i can't remember if she's always been at this level or if this is something exacerbated by parkinson's. which makes me feel even more guilty about being upset at her. god. everything just feels fucked right now. so overwhelming. i wish i could see my therapist again, but i just can't afford that expense right now.

i've been having more nightmares. been having the stupid sleep paralysis shit. been having more frequent intrusive thoughts of driving off the bridge i go over on my commute or looking at my pills and wondering what would happen if i took everything in the bottle at once. i don't think i would ever actually act on these things, because i love my family too much to have them deal with that kind of hardship. it's just been exhausting for my brain. and some days the thoughts feel closer than others. but that's depression for you. been dealing with it for many years. this has just been one of those real bad times for it. if anyone is actually reading this, please dont worry. i know that's kind of dumb of me to say considering everything i wrote here. but really please don't worry. i just needed a place to put my thoughts and feel like i'm releasing them somehow. im still here. i've had these bad thoughts before and i'm still here. i will still be here. it'll get better. i just need to hold on again.

i just wish dogs lived longer.

[crossdressingdeath]

Sera: I got caught stealing when I was little, yeah? You get alienage or worse for that, but the "Lady Emmald" took me in. She was sick and couldn't have children. I had no parents. It worked out. Anyway, she gets a year sicker, so I ask about her cookies. Because mums make cookies. I can pass that down, or something. Turns out, she couldn't cook. She missed that talk with her mum. The ones she "made" she bought and pretended. Aw, right? Well, no, she was a bitch. She hid buying them by keeping me away from the baker. She did that by lying that he didn't like me, didn't like elves. She let me hate so she could protect her pride. I hated him so much, and I hated... Well, she died, and I hate pride. "Pride cookies."

I wish Sera's story had actually... y'know, done something with this. Show her working through her shit and improving as a person! Hell, even have her acknowledge that this little plan only worked because so many people hate elves that "the baker hates elves" wasn't worth questioning. But instead this is the only time anything about this comes up. And I won't lie, the petty, grumpy part of me does wonder if that's because the rest of her backstory (the street kid taken in by a kindly noblewoman who caught her stealing and instead of turning her in to the guards raised her as her own and left her a fortune in her will only for it to be stolen from her by the government because she was an elf) doesn't fit the whole Robin Hood schtick the game keeps trying to pretend she has. They could've focused on that, the fact that even being a noblewoman with a good-sized fortune wasn't enough to protect Sera from anti-elf prejudice! But that would've required her writing acknowledging that elves are the epitome of "little people" in Thedas and DAI does not like elves one bit, so of course it doesn't do that.

And I won't lie, this backstory is like... okay, it's not that it's not sad, but in comparison to the wide array of horrors that everyone else has going on it feels... kind of boring? The noblewoman who took her in, raised her as her own and left her a fortune lied about a random baker hating elves (with zero mention that she ever did anything else so much as unkind to Sera). That's unfortunate. Cole's currently terrified about being controlled by Corypheus, Solas's friend has been captured and tortured because it doesn't count as a person to most people, Josie has assassins after her for trying to keep her family from destitution, the love of Vivienne's life is dying, Leliana is facing the fallout of her dear friend's death and those are just the companion quests that I currently have active. I've already dealt with the reveal that Dorian's father nearly tried magical conversion therapy on him that might have left him a vegetable and only didn't because he left first, Bull having to choose between the religion he's served his whole life and his family in the Chargers, and Cassandra learning that the leader she respected and looked up to was infecting Seekers with red lyrium and that she was made Tranquil as an initiation rite. I haven't even started Blackwall having to face up to the crimes of his past because he finds he can't run from them anymore. Basically Sera's thing could've been a big meaningful backstory... if it wasn't for how completely overshadowed it is by everyone else's shit and how Bioware does literally nothing with it.

[tapioca-puddingg]

Why GoWR Valhalla Is Important

Hey. It's me again. This time I'm not yelling about Kingdom Hearts or Drakengard, but I wanted to talk about God of War Ragnarök: Valhalla today and why I think it's important in trauma-centered narratives. This isn't a detailed analysis, just me spitballing.

SPOILER WARNING: There will be spoilers for God of War Ragnarök: Valhalla, so please proceed with caution!

EDITED: 2/26/24

As a brief summary, Kratos spent almost the entirety of GoW 2018 refusing to talk about his past. His guilt, shame, and trauma deeply affected his relationship with his son, to the point where he didn't want to be around Atreus bc he was terrified of being a bad influence on him. It was only when Atreus' life was in danger did it force him to finally admit just a sliver of the truth. Now I don't mean to say that Kratos revealing his godhood wasn't a big deal because it absolutely was, I'm just saying that it's just one piece of a MUCH bigger story. Anyway, he recognized his past mistakes, but the shame was too much for him to openly acknowledge it until damn near the end of the game.

Come Ragnarök, Kratos was pretty much an open book. He had grown SO much in those short years of fimbulwinter: He openly talked about his trauma to Mimir and Freya. He worked so hard to be a good father and a good support system to his friends. He went out of his way to make amends with Freya and restore their friendship. And he fought to restore peace to the Nine Realms.

But come Valhalla, Freya wants to recruit Kratos to be the new God of War of the nine realms, or at least to be a part of the new peacekeeping council that she's putting together. Kratos is extremely hesitant to take up the mantle. He doesn't feel worthy or deserving enough to hold this position given all that he's done. He and Mimir (and later on, Tyr) are constantly going back and forth about it. Both perspectives are completely valid. Valhalla is about Kratos facing his past in a more literal sense; parts of Greece have been manifested from Kratos' memories of it, so it's like he gets to be there in real time again. This is about helping him process what happened and to add some nuance to the conversation. It's like free therapy for Kratos.

It's funny too bc you have both opposing viewpoints being represented. On one hand, you have Mimir and Tyr being the supporting/validating voice, and Helios is the contrarian. Since he's a manifestation of Kratos' memories, he represents the doubts that Kratos has about himself. The harsh voice to show how hard he is on himself, and not without good reason.

The reason why I think Valhalla is so important is bc in media, survivor narratives are often linear. The character just "gets over" their trauma and then that trauma isn't addressed again. It's presented more as a hurdle than a lifelong battle. I guess this goes to show how misunderstood survivorhood is. But that isn't how healing works. We regress sometimes, and sometimes we still mull over the things that have happened to us. We might heal, but that trauma does leave emotional scars. So even after the many leaps and bounds Kratos has made, he's not "over" his past, far from it! It still haunts him every day and every night. Valhalla is Kratos still processing everything. From my own healing journey, I've learned that it takes a long, long time to fully process your trauma, if there even is a "fully", anyway. It takes a long time to learn and understand all the complexities and how it affects you in current day. And it takes even longer to process such a complicated history like Kratos'.

Generally speaking about the idea of processing trauma, I said earlier that survivorhood is extremely misunderstood by the masses. Imo, our society is very anti-victim/anti-survivor. So with that in mind, from the perspective of the audience, some might perceive the processing trauma bit as repetitive or "milking it". These are mediums of entertainment after all, so ofc I understand wanting to put out an engaging story where the audience doesn't lose interest. But screw those ppl lol. We have to understand why we do what we do if we want to do better, and it's amazing that a video game is willing to have these conversations. Being more open about all the nuances of processing trauma, grief, healing, etc will go such a long way.

Even the roguelite gameplay style perfectly reflects this theme. Processing this stuff is slow. It doesn't happen overnight. Unless you're in Valhalla, I suppose.

Okay I said this wasn't a detailed analysis but I lied. I'm a liar now

[harrysmimi]

CEOrry Pt. 3

Synopsis: One where things get messy but Patience is a virtue

Series Masterlist | More of my work

YN was nervous.

Very nervous to talk to Harry. He haven't got to see her because of her finals, apart from checking up on her through calls and texts. But her convocation is tomorrow and she's got a doctor's appointment for the 12th week.

She's started to show up pretty prominently now, especially to herself.

He's going to be excited, that's bound to be. He's also going to ask if he can feel the baby, though there's a doubt there's anything to feel and that inevitable that he won't ask that. YN's been feeling very uncomfortable in her body lately. Especially when she's gained a little weight. Healthy weight. But on the video call the other day her step mother was the first and very excited to point that out. That caused her father to ask her questions but nothing made him suspicious about anything.

But YN's also gotten obsessed her little baby bump. She should get used to this because she'll have to leave the little one growing in her womb. Which is not something she's really looking forward to. Her friends have been bugging her wanting to touch her belly, which she doesn't really have a problem with but she also doesn't want to be touched. Especially when she's been insecure about her body lately.

It's not the first time. But she's learnt a way to over come it and be confident in who she is and how she is.

Anyway she got into her knock off branded Adidas sweats, an old T-shirt and her dad's jerkin she stole years ago before she was on her way down stairs.

To her surprise, Harry came to pick her alone today. No Jeremy.

"Hey!" Harry beamed watching her get in the passenger seat.

"Hi." She smiled back as she buckled up her seat belt.

"How are you doing? Been long since I saw you." He pulled out of the parking spot, headed to the way of maternity clinic for her scheduled check up.

"I've been good." She shared, "morning sickness here and there, but I'm doing good."

"Why didn't you tell me, YN?" He scolded, lowkey.

"Is there anything you can do about morning sickness?"

"We would have figured something out." He looked pissed now, sort of, "or I could have called Dr. Wilson to see if there is something we can do."

"It's fine, Harry, I'll ask her about it today." She sighed in defeat.

YN have been feeling way too emotional lately. She cried last night because there was no milk for her tea at midnight. Poor Josh had to make a run to the grocery store last minute. Now she usually doesn't cry but she can't help it lately. And she felt bad for even letting her friend go out in middle of the night to get her some milk.

She sat there in silence the whole ride to the clinic, waiting for their turn. Just lost in her own thoughts.

What is she even doing?

Her dad is going to be upset with her, even though she's sure he'll come around and make peace with it. But disappoint someone who's always been so kind and loving and patient with her, her whole entire life?

It is going to be inevitable to hide from him. As her cousin is getting married just two and half months after she's due for delivery. And she has to be there because she's really close the cousin who's getting married. It js hard being around her relatives as it is, and her changed appearance is going to cause a lot of questions.

The truth is going to raise a lot of eyebrows towards her character. No one will understand why she's done what she's done. Nor does she expects anyone to. It's just that she doesn't know if she'll be able to handle all of this.

And surely her step mother is going to be using this against her. She has to tell her father before he hears it from someone else.

It was going to be just like when she started therapy at the age of thirteen. People in her family thought she was going mental. She really had to pull out of it because the bickering and gossiping was getting too much.

And it wasn't like therapy was working for her either way.

Loss of her own mother and her dad marrying again withing two years, shocked her. But she's made peace with it all now. Or has she really?

"YN?" Harry gentle touch on her shoulder brought her back to earth.

"Yes?" She gasped, "is it my turn?"

"No it's not. Not yet." Harry looked st her concerned, "YN, hey love, is everything okay?"

She realised she was crying again, "yeah, everything is fine." She assured him, laughing softly to make the vibe lighter around her. "I'm getting very emotional lately."

"That's okay." He rested his hand on her back, "you can talk to me if anything is bothering you, okay?"

"Okay." She nodded. "I just can't help it. I'm sorry!"

"Hey, come here." He cooed as he pulled her into a warm hug, "it's okay, you can cry. You sure there's nothing bothering you?"

"Mhmm." She lied.

"Okay. We have to wait ten minute, just a little heads up for you." He whispered to her. And she swore she felt a feathery kiss being placed on her hair!

"I'm going to ruin your white shirt, my mascara is not waterproof." She sniffled pulling away politely from him.

The bare minimum is gonna get her in deep trouble here!

He just nodded and sat there. Soon enough ut was her turn. Everything was fine, the baby is growing perfectly, YN's healthy too. No complications as well. Well, her tiny bump was no longer secret to Harry. He didn't say anything though.

And they got new pictures!

"Hey, are you mad?" She asked when they reached his car in the car park.

"No, I'm happy that the baby and you are healthy." He looked at her confusedly and concerned. "Let's go to my place, yeah? We can talk it over lunch. Just not here."

"Yeah."

......................................................................

His place looked slightly different.

YN's been to his house just a couple of times. Very humble looking for a millionaire. Just a four bedroom, three story house in a quiet and gated community.

She was very nervous to go to his house the first time when he asked her to meet him there for their agreement. She was also very intimidated by him the first time.

He stood almost a feet taller than her, bulky with his piercing green eyes and serious look. He is always wearing suits, which added to the intimidating vibes. YN found out he's got dimples just about few weeks ago!

Turns out he's a real softie in reality.

YN was very nervous obviously. She looked tired and shaken up. Desparate for help.

Now that he thinks behind he was too harsh on her. Like way too harsh. Interviewing her like he's going to hire her to hold all of his secrets to the grave. Part of him wanted to know all about her because the surrogacy thing doesn't allow him to read much about the personal choices she makes which may affect his future child.

Now, YN had partial idea of what she was getting herself into. She was stood in front of a giant front door to a fucking mansion. Shiny and expensive looking door handle. Two expensive looking pots with actual live plants in them on either side of the door.

She missed the huge dog by the gate which had two security guards dresses in all black who checked her stuff before she was allowed past the gates. She could see the flecks of what was the back yard from the side of his mansion.

Not realising she was stood there for more that several minutes as the door was opened even before she could get s chance to ring the door bell. There he stood, dresses in a baby blue shirt with a white sheer button down underneath it, a black Gucci belt held the pants to on his upper hips, a gold buckle on it. His shirt was partially open with a display of silver cross necklace he wore, and flecks of his chest hair. He stood about a foot or half taller than her there. Piercing green eyes and lucious eye lashes. Straight a prominent nose with lips of the softest shade of pink she has ever seen.

She shook off her thoughts knowing there is 98% chance he's married, wanting kids with his wife or husband or spouse.

"Hi, please come in." He stepped aside so she can get in.

YN clutched onto handles of her bag hung over her shoulders tightly as she walked in. She was expecting the partner to show up any time. She was more nervous for that. Harry asked her to take a seat as he walked in the kitchen asking if she would like anything to drink.

"Just water please." She shared. It didn't take him long to come back out with a glass of cold water and a mug of black coffee for himself. It was almost six in the evening and he was having a coffee.

YN was already sat, carefully on the expensive looking leather sofa clutching onto her bag for her dear life. She's never been this nervo before. Not even for her job interviews. She worked as a teacher at a pre-school for now and worked a second job on weekends and even on week days if she got time. She even saw a green and black files lying on the coffee table with a fancy looking pen.

"So you're really sure you want to do this, Ms. YLN?" He asked.

"Please, call me YN." She said nervously, "and ummm, aren't we going to wait for your partner..." She dragged out the word trying to figure out right words, "... spouse?"

"We won't have to, because I don't have one." He set his coffee mug down. "These are the agreements you can take this and read it please. And we'll work from there."

"That's it?" She was shocked. "You called me all the way here for this?" And now she's confused, because she already agreed to the online agreement she signed on the surrogacy site.

"You might wanna read that, Ms. YLN." He pointed out.

"Yeah, yes, I, I am gonna read it. Obviously." She still couldn't stop stuttering. "I thought you had me over because you wanted to ask few things, that's what your manager told me." She was very scared in that moment.

"Yes, but I figured it wouldn't be necessary." He shared.

YN opened the file to have a read at the agreement which didn't look that long. But it hit her.

"Wait, you clearly don't have a wife or a girlfriend or a partner or whatever!" She couldn't fathom what she was getting herself into, "this baby would be mine as well, unless you have an egg donor. Please tell me you have that sorted?"

"No, I don't." He admitted way too casually for her liking.

That didn't sit right with her. That baby would be hers as well then. She wouldn't want to give up her baby, and in future go on to pretend as if she doesn't have her first born somewhere in the world with her own kids she gets to keep.

Her mind was racing a hundred thoughts per minute as she read the agreement. The clauses had her feel more anxious. She has to quit her fucking job?!

He wad ready to agree on whatever amount she wanted in return!

There is no questions to be asked from the recieving party, where as she is obligated to answers every question. Especially questions related to her health and medical problems or history. It was for the safety of the child.

She can't see the baby after they're born.

"I'm sorry, I, I can't do this." She closed the file and placed it back on the table in from of her. "I can't give up my child like that. I thought you just needed someone to carry your baby for you and your partner. And, and I can't even ask questions?"  She was also on verge of crying. "I, I hope you understand."

"You'll get anything you ask for." He shrugged as if he was making a fucking business deal, "can sign you a cheque for a hundred thousand pounds now and we'll sort out the rest later."

"What? No!" She exclaimed, "you-- can I ask why you want a baby when you're clearly single?"

"You can't." He's very blunt with his answers. "No questions. Just let me know by the end of this week."

"You don't have to wait for the end of the week, I won't be doing this." She stood firm to her decision, "hope you find someone who's ready to work on your conditions, but I can't."

Harry was disappointed but he can't be really. She doesn't agree with it. He can't force her. And YN just left that day.

Just for her to call his manager back up ten days later, in desparation of agreeing but she wasn't going to quit either of her jobs. And that was final. To which he clearly agreed as he had no more patience in him.

And here they are.

His beige sofa and ottomans were switched to yellow sofa and a burgundy and blue side sofa chair thingies. A natural wood stock coffee table with a glass top was set in middle, on a Moroccan rug underneath. Apart from that everything was same.

"You got new sofa?" She asked.

"Yeah." He closed the door behind him after following her inside, "my god daughter, Ruby was over the other day and she spilt her blue paint all over me sofa. It looked like someone murdered a Smurf there." YN laughed at that.

"You want to take a seat whilst I go heat up the food?" He suggested, walking over to the dining area he pulled a chair for her.

"Yeah." She nodded. Placing her bag on the sofa she made her was to the dining area. "You can cook too?"

"No. No, no I can't." He chuckled sheepishly there, "Lizzie, my housekeeper and chef looks after this all."

"You have a personal chef?" YN couldn't believe what he said which shouldn't be surprising in the first place. He hummed to answer her. "Wow you're rich!"

"Well, I like to think that way." He shrugged.

"Some of us have to make our meals and sometimes that doesn't happen too. I'm so jealous of you!" YN groaned, "I want to be mega rich too someday."

"What do you mean that doesn't happen sometimes?" He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at her.

"What?" She looked at him nervously. She shouldn't have said that.

Her friends have been there for her recently. At least one of them is to make sure she's had all her meals. Even if that meant cooking for her (she's getting spoilt). YN haven't had to skip a meal because of anything since she found out she's pregnant. But before she could explain all of this, he snapped.

"I told you to move in with me!" He exclaimed, "at least you can have something to eat on time for fucks sake." His voice raised. YN was taken back because she's never heard him this loud.

"Harry, I can't just move in with you." She said, "I'd end up fucking homeless, I have no family here."

"So you think I'm going to kick you out after the baby is born as if I'm some kind of heartless monster?" He scoffed in disbelief, "you think that low of me, YN?"

"I, I never said that." She choked on her breathe trying not to cry, "I'm done. I can't cry in front of you again." She barged out to the living room and grabbed her her bag ready to leave. She lost her patience because he raised his voice again.

"Run away like you always do." He yelled from the other side of the room, "you're so scared of confrontations and talking, aren't you?"

"Learnt from you." She slipped on her shoes.

"YN you step one foot out." He warned her.

"Yeah? Watch me!"

"YN, stop!" He rushed to stop her from leaving, he grabbed onto her hand taking in a deep breath to calm himself down. "Hey, look I'm sorry. I, I shouldn't have raised my voice at you. Let's talk okay?"

"I am not scared of confrontations or talking, okay?" She laid it out clear in front of him, "you jump to conclusions without even listening to the person in front of you."

"Hey I'm really sorry." He whispered, "I wouldn't-- that won't happen again."

"No, stop." She whispered slipping her hand out of his. "Don't talk to me."

"I, I won't. Just please don't leave, okay?" He suggested, "we can just sit here and talk whenever you feel alright."

He heated up the food his chef made and left in the fridge. He usually eats the same thing for dinner so there was enough for the both of them. Eating in silence was really not something he enjoys but it's a better option than to leave things unsaid.

He noticed she barely ate anything, so he ordered something she eats usually. The handful of time they've had meals together and she gets the same thing.

"I don't want you to baby sit me, Harry. I'm not going to share a word!" She warned him. "This is so stupid. It's not like I'd die after skipping one meal. I made a freaking joke!"

"I'm not baby sitting you." He shrugged simply.

"You're making me eat forcefully, you're not letting me go back home alone. That's baby sitting."

"I'm looking out for you YN because I'm your friend, if that's what you call baby sitting then fine." He picked up his empty dishes and walked back into the kitchen, he frustratingly started cleaning the counter top, "I'd rather baby sit you than you passing out on an empty stomach. You know how bad being pregnant takes a toll on your whole body?" She sat there with her head down, still playing with her food and fork.

Of course he's going to look out for his baby.

"I've seen my friends and cousins go through this YN. Whilst I might have not everything but I know." He walked back to her. "I want you to be healthy as well. I want you to know that I don't back off my friendships. I shouldn't doubt you for looking after yourself, I apologise for that."

"Hmm." She sniffled. "And I'm crying again!"

"It's okay." He assured her, "it's alright."

"I, I, I need to tell my dad." She sobbed, "he can't know from anyone else."

"You can tell him." Harry wrapped his arms around her, "it's okay."

"I don't know. He's going to be so disappointed!" Her breath shuddered as she was crying so much.

"I'm sure he's not going to, YN." Harry rubbed her back gently, "you just need to explain it to him."

"You think so?"

"Mhmm." He nodded.

"I want to go home now, please."

"Yeah, I'm gonna take you home." He placed a kiss on her head before he was off to get his keys, "come on."

......................................................................

YN contemplated till it was too late for her to video call her dad. So she cried herself to sleep.

The next thing she heard was someone calling for her name softly, feeling a warm hand running up and down on her arm.

Wait... Is she dreaming?

Realising that made her wake up gasping.

"Hey, hey, you're okay." The familiar deep and raspy voice got her back to earth. It is Harry.

"Oh my god!" She sighed. "Please open the window. Please!"

"Yeah." He got up quickly and opened her windows to let the fresh air in and just as quickly got back to sit on the edge of her bed. "I didn't mean to scare you. Kayla let me in, wanted to come in and check on you."

"The baby is fine Harry." She sighed falling back in bed, pulling up her blanket to her chin as she tried to fall back asleep.

"YN, you still think I don't care about you?" He sounded so defeated, "you matter more, YN, okay? I've come in to check on you because you seemed so upset and anxious yesterday. Please, I need you to understand I'm not doing this just because I only care about my baby. You're my friend now!"

"Right." She nodded, "I want to sleep more still please, I'm very tired."

"Don't you have a convocation to go to?"

"It's today?" She asked, "oh my god, it's today!" And she realised it herself. "What the fuck, what the fuck!" She got out of bed in panic.

"Hey, be careful." He warned her.

"Get off my bed, I need to fix it!" She scolded him.

"Let me do it." He stopped her. "You go get ready. You've got barely three hours."

"No, it's fine let me—"

"I said go get ready, YN." He grabbed onto her arms to steady her, gently. "I'm going to be your escort for tonight."

"I don't an escort."

"Trust me you will, when Kayla and Julia are busy with their dates." With that he left her room.

"Harry, I don't need an escort!"

"I know." He called from the living room, "now chop-chop darling. You're going to be a Doctor of Philosophy today."

......................................................................

YN got ready as fast as she could. She couldn't waste much time.

Being pregnant is already getting to her head, she could barely imagine how she'd be when she's much further in. She was locked into her bathroom getting ready.

Her bedroom door doesn't lock up as the previous boy who lived there had it broken, some drunk college students were hooking up in his bedroom. Josh was super mad for that giy to even throw a party whilst the other three of the roommates were gone out of town.

Least to say, YN never got it fixed nor did their landlord. He's a dick!

Just as she was about slip on her dress, she glanced at herself in the mirror. She hates looking in mirror but she saw the little bump.

Well, she's practically naked, stood in her mismatched knickers and bra. Usually she's feel sexy, without even looking at the mirror. Mirrors are just self-districting weapons.

But she felt different there. Her body was growing another life inside of her. It was part hers. She shouldn't and she couldn't help but her resting her hand on her bulging belly.

Wait... She can't let this happen again. This time it's going to be worse, she'll have to give up the baby. They will live and she won't ever get to see them again.

Taking in a long breath she quickly put on her dress and fixed her already styled hair. She's not going to let this ruin her special day. She was out of her bathroom and room immediately gathering all her stuff like when you don't think you need a basket or a trolly at the store.

"You want me to help you?" Harry rushed to gather her jacket and her bag she uses everyday. "What have you got in here?"

"I am perfectly capable of taking my own stuff." She rolled her eyes and walked to kitchen to fix herself a sandwich real quick.

"We're going to get breakfast on the way love, don't worry about it. Now come on." Harry ushered her out.

......................................................................

Least to say, Harry was happy seeing YN all bubbly and happy today. She was giggling with her friends, and he didn't quite felt like an outsider. Especially with Julia and Kayla shooting daggers at him with their eyes.

"Hello, Dr. YN YLN, nice to finally meet you. I'm Harry Styles." Harry introduced himself formally.

"Likewise, Mr. Styles." YN shook his hand but ended up in fit of giggles and went in to hug him tightly. "Oh my god, I can't believe this!"

"I know." He wrapped his own arms around hers, "I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you!" She squealed, "thanks for saying that!"

"Of course, darling." He pulled away to look at her beaming at him. He knew she was about to tell him something but someone called for photos. But at the end she came to him asking him to take her pictures on his iPhone.

Later he found out YN and her friends were skipping on partying lile crazy tonight, they had to go and start working their butts off for Kayla and Josh's wedding. YN being the maid of honour and Julia being the only brides maid, they both had many responsibilities.

Now Harry wanted to talk to about some things. He also wanted to ask her if she's feeling any better about this situation she's in. He could clearly see how much her father matters to her. And most importantly she still seemed mad at him this morning.

The party was getting intense and if he was being honest he missed going out to parties. Corporate parties loose all their glory after a certain period. But he was also enjoying seeing YN so happy, seeing how her friends were taking care of her despite being a bit tipsy at this point.

Well, the girls were drunk their arse off when he first found YN at one of his clubs with her friends, they wouldn't let go of her. He craved that kind of friendship!

But the place was becoming more crowded, though he didn't wanted to take YN away from the fun he kept an eye on her side. He saw YN carefully making her way towards him to where he was sat by the bar.

"Hey." He beamed at her. A glass of red wine in his hand which looks like it's untouched. That was his trick so no one asks to buy him a drink or try to flirt.

"Hey, can you please take me back to my place?" She asked, "I would stay but I'm very tired and I want to sleep."

"Let's go then, yeah?" He kept his glass on the counter and stood up buttoning his blazer, lead her to the back door.

"How do you know this way?" YN was confused.

"I just know." He shrugged. "You want to get anything before we drive to yours?"

"No, I'm good." She nodded.

Harry turned off music in his car as he saw her falling asleep there.

He had a nice day with her. But he was still not able to get out the feeling he has been feeling from yesterday. She haven't said a word about it to him, maybe she forgot?

He reached her flat way too quickly for his liking. He parked his car on the side of the road, contemplating if he should wake her up. She looks so peaceful whilst sleeping.

"Hey, YN?" He called for her softly which was enough to wake her up luckily, "we're here at your place."

"Oh, I'm sorry I fell asleep." She shook her head to wake herself up properly, "thank you for driving me back."

"Of course, darling." He smiled, "do you want me to help you with that?" But he still got out quickly and got her graduation gown, cap and her bag for her from the back seat. "Come on, I'll walk you upstairs."

"Sure." She shrugged.

Honestly, she was too tired to even walk herself up the stairs alone with that much stuff in her hands. She could use the help he was offering.

......................................................................

"YN, can I have a minute with you before I go? Please?" Harry requested as he set down YN's stuff in her room.

"Mhmm." She nodded and sat down on her bed to take off her shoes. She had swelling in her feet even this early in the pregnancy.

"I want to talk about yesterday." He crouched on the floor in front of her to help her taking off her shoes, "I didn't mean to make you upset YN, I promise. I, I, I guess I've been so bad with protecting people my relationships in my life. I, I don't, I don't want anything to happen to the little one, or you. I can't believe I'm saying this, but you've become a good friend of mine. And I know food can be a bit of a sensitive subject for some, I'm sorry if I hurt you in anyway like that. I didn't mean to take the joke in a wrong way."

"Why would you say it like that?" She was confused. "I mean the relationships thing, or am I still not allowed to ask you questions?"

"Let's just say I'm too scared to let people in my life." He smiled sheepishly as he looked up at her through his lashes, "even though I manage to annoy you-- unintentionally!-- I'm sorry for that."

"It's just my hormones going all haywire. I'm very patient, I promise." She smiled at him, "and I get it now, so you don't have to apologise. In fact I am sorry, I overreacted yet again, and you have to put up with my shit."

"Yes, I have to apologise, but you don't." He said with a firm tone as he set her shoes aside. "Whilst I can't know what you're going through, the least I can do is try to understand. I just hope I'm good enough of the little one."

"You'll be an amazing dad to this kid, Harry, I'm sure of that." She assured him as if she can look into future and she sees him and this kid living the happiest life imaginable.

"I'm going to hang onto that." He nodded, he can have that hope with him.

He knows, he shouldn't be doubting himself now even though he's been ready for this for years. He isn't doubting about anything, but he's just nervous, that's all it is. He has everything he could, read every parenting book under the sun, talked his friends who are parents and even his own mother; who always told him that she can never be fully ready to be a parent. No matter how many books his reads or how many TedTalks videos he'd binged.

He's heard that some people don't feel that instant connection with their new born, he's afraid of all the what ifs? which comes along with it.

"Do you want to feel your baby, Harry?" She asked.

"You, you sure you'll, you'll be comfortable with it?" He was a little surprised to say the least.

"Yes, I am." She nodded.

Harry hesitantly placed his hand on her baby bump. He gasped, even though he couldn't feel the baby yet, he'd yearned for this moment for years. It hit him that the baby wasn't moving until he realised his thumb was rubbing circles on YN's stomach.

"Can, can you feel them move?" He panicked.

"Not yet, I read that babies start moving for about sixteen to eighteen weeks." She explained, "there's nothing to worry about."

"Okay." He sighed in relief, "I can't believe this." It was pretty evident he's happy that his eyes were tearing up quite a bit, tip of his nose turned a light shade of pink.

"Well it's happening." She tried not to laugh at his adorable reaction, "I'm so happy for you, Harry, and thank you for helping me."

"Don't have to mention that, darling," he gave her squinty eyed smile to keep his tears from escaping. "Thank you for letting me... you know, feel the baby bump."

"Your welcome." YN chuckled.

"Did that come out wrong?"

"No, you're very cute that's all." She shut her eyes for a moment as realisation set in.

"You think I'm cute?" He smirked cheekily.

"I meant to say annoying." She straightened her posture, failing to make the situation less awkward for herself.

"Hmmm, sure." Harry chuckled. Dimples denting deep in his cheeks as little crinkles become more prominent at the corners of his gorgeous eyes, his bunny teeth showing. He smiled truly from within in front of her. Maybe it was the first time. "You need me to get you anything before I leave?"

"Yeah, can you get me a bottle of water from kitchen, please?" She asked sheepishly.

"Sure." He stood up from his place on the floor.

He padded his way down to the kitchen and grabbed a reusable bottle of water for her from the fridge, it had her name on it, and many other reusable bottles with her and her friends' name on it. He closed the fridge door, just as he was about to leave he saw a picture of YN stuck on the door with a rose magnet. Along with three more pictures, but this one intrigued him more.

It was a picture taken with a disposable camera, a man who looked to be YN's dad. She looked to be about twelve to thirteen years old in her school uniform and her hair tied in two braids with red ribbons, a little six year old boy who looked exactly like her sat in her lap in his own school uniform, everyone smiling wide for the picture. Her dad was wearing the same jerkin she's got with her.

He wondered where her mum was.

He made his way back to her room after all, keeping his thoughts and questions to himself to not unintentionally make her upset with his curiosity. He placed the water bottle on the night stand.

"Oh my god!" He got scared when he felt something rubbing against his leg, it was a ginger cat. "You scared me." He scolded the cat as if she's going to give a fuck about what he says.

The feline jumped up on YN's bed and curled up into a ball, paws tucked under her chest as she fell fast asleep.

"You have a cat?" He asked once he saw YN come out of her bathroom in her PJs.

"Oh no she's not mine." YN smiled, "she's Noodle by the way, Kayla's fur baby. She likes to stay with me."

"I've never seen her." He was so fascinated by the cat.

"She's a senior cat, she's likes to stay in Kayla's room. Noodle is a smart cat, she knows when I'm getting ready I'll be heading out so she's in her mother's room." YN explained. "She probably came in here noticing that I'm here. I don't go anywhere much so we became good friends."

"I never knew I had a competition!" He chuckled.

"Unlike you, she doesn't piss me off. Especially when I'm all hormonal." She scoffed jokingly, rolling her eyes.2

"Did you just rolled your eyes at me?" He looked genuinely surprised and mildly offended.

And she did it again!

"Did you eat my chocolate cake or something, took you long enough to get a bottle of water?" She asked sitting down on her bed.

"There was a chocolate cake?" He acted as if he was going to go devour it in that moment.

"Don't you dare!" She warned him earning a few laughs.

"Your picture caught my eye. On the fridge." He shared.

"Mhmm." She nodded taking a sip from her water. He took a seat next to her when she said nothing else, being careful of the cat of course!

"Do you mind me asking what are you doing tomorrow?" He asked, hesitant and mildly scared.

"I have to teach a crowd of teenagers tomorrow, like everyday." She shrugged.

"No, I meant after." He corrected himself quickly, "I should have worded that right."

"After I'll be going out with Kayla for her wedding dress shopping, and after that... I have nothing to do, why?"

"Do you maybe want to come over to mine?" He tried to be subtle, "I, I, I'll have my god daughter over as her parents will be going out. She, uhhhh, she can be handful some times."

"You baby sit too?" She was intrigued, but she's also pulling his leg.

"I'm her god father so I have some responsibilities." He shrugged, "but I could use some help."

"Hmm, sure." She nodded.

"Okay, I'll ask Lizzie to make something for you too for dinner." He tried his best to hide his excitement there. "I think I should leave now."

"I'll walk you to the door." She offered.

"You don't have to, I'll see myself out."

"I have to feed the cat and lock the door. Those bastards aren't coming home tonight, I know that." YN explained as she followed him out, almost bumped into him when he stopped dead in his tracks.

"You'll be alone all night?" He turned around.

"I'll be fine."

"YN, I can't--" he sighed, "I don't want to leave you alone this time."

"I'll be fine. I promise." She assured him.

He didn't wanted to force her but he also didn't wanted to leave her alone. After what happened that night, he doesn't want to leave her alone. It is going to bug him all night now.

He bid his byes with her for the night, before he was headed back to his place.

It was nearly two in the morning and he couldn't sleep. Even after drinking two cups of sleep tea. He almost picked up his phone to call and check in on her but soon realised she must have falled asleep. He doesn't want to disturb her.

She'll call him if she needs anything. She did last time.

......................................................................

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[cosmics-beings]

Can I ask your opinion on what you personally think a good redemption arc for Megatron would be? I agree with your opinion of IDW/ES’s attempts because it really feels like something is…missing.

this is kinda critical, and it may be strange coming from me because over the past year I've tended to be soft on megatron but I've also been looking at characters with a more critical lens....so if hardcore megatron critique offends you then just look over. also...these are MY opinions.

What is missing is actual accountability, because in none of Megatrons redemption arcs does he ever actually take accountability, at least not in a way, IMO, that does anything for the narrative or holds him accountable.

There’s a lot of things that could’ve been done different. while I don’t really agree with how things are going in ES in regards to his character, what I do like is that Megatron’s past actions are finally coming back to get him. And by that, I mean that all the Decepticons have practically turned their back on him, which I love. And it also shows the organization can and in some cases should exist without him. I think what I didn’t like about ES, is that his redemption fell flat because he didn’t really understand a lot of what he did wrong. Meaning that, yes he was very sympathetic about being a warlord, and causing war and stuff. we even saw how much he cared about the deceptions and how angry he’d get when he thought that Optimus was working with GHOST to subdue the cons.

However, Megatron’s care for the Decepticons in ES is very very conditional. Meaning that if any Con had an issue with I’m, or literally wasn’t worshipping his feet or seeing him as a leader, he was prone to violence. This was shown with the Seekers AND Soundwave especially Soundwave — whom his peaceful facade broke the minute Soundwave held him accountable.

So I can’t say I completely hate ES, because it shows the flaws in taking a war lord and trying to make him a family grandpa, when he hasn’t really, truly been held accountable. But that’s also the thing that kinda makes me not like his redemption arc in ES. He is free, with the Autobots, with the Maltos, while his people are not. AND YES, for whatever reason, Megatron betrayed them. Maybe Megaton thought he was doing the right thing, maybe he thought it was saving the Decepticons, regardless it was still a bad look imo.

I hope ES points that out, how hypocritical he is, how the Deceptions don’t really want him as a leader because of that. 

IDW/Lost Light...

I love the Lost light, and i have a soft spot for LL Megs, but I really don't think Megatron deserved a lot of the nuance and care he got, when other characters had to suffer and didn't really get that. LIKE soundwave and other cons/ex-cons also deserved that nuance and love he got.

I think what i really hated however is how Megatron's presence on the Lost Light overshined a lot of the other characters. There was this need to push an unneeded redemption to the point that other people's narratives were overlooked. Rodimus suffered MASSIVELY for this, and he became an addition to Megatron' s arc, wherein he still had so much more growing to do. Now his character is solely tied to megatron and to me at least, it's kinda annoying. He deserves to exist outside of megatron but because there was a need for redemption for Megatron, he doesn't get that.

The relationship between Magnus and Rodimus, which needed to be highlighted, was HEAVILY destroyed because the narrative wanted Megatron to be the main character. And Roddy's trauma with being a prime was essentially downplayed.

I think that Megatron probably should've fought Unicron with the others in the end. And similar to starscream and soundwave, i think death, certain death would've been a great redemption for him. I'm not saying he can't be on the lost light for a while but essentially he wasn't held accountable for anything he did. he got therapy, he got a family, and he also got to leave to go to the functions universe and live a life he wanted.

and yeah maybe he gets executed, but there is also another megatron who was created with another LL, who doesn't get that, and he gets to be free and happy, while trillions are still dead because of him.

I don't think he actually got a redemption arc in the LL simply because he wasn't held accountable for anything. He got a very compelling, sympathetic story that i guess worked...

but i never saw it as redemption because he never was truly truly held accountable for what he did.

that's just my opinion. all of this is just my opinion so you don't have to agree with my takes!

[donnerpartyofone]

This morning I went over to the church to see my favorite guy, who is so often surprising and challenging. He seemed a little out of sorts today, stammering and losing his place; I sometimes worry about this old guy, and I was paying attention. Then at the end of the mass he said that they're having air quality problems in the rectory and the EPA is involved. I hope he's not getting brain damage!

It was sort of funny, though, because the homily was about having trouble focusing--not being able to concentrate, and having anxiety about the future. That was pretty relevant to me, medically and otherwise. I'm writing this on the morning of the new moon, just to be extra flaky, about how much trouble I have forming goals.

Pursuing goals is also hard, but step one should be having a vision, and that's the really impossible part. When I was a little kid I had two ambitions: to be a writer, and to be dead. The latter thing represents one of the main motivating forces in my life, which is pain avoidance. I think this is the chief motivator of many people without them even realizing it; comfort-seeking itself can be a form of pain avoidance. Pain avoidance is not a legitimate goal, it's more of a reflex, and it can become a preoccupying distraction from any kind of actual ambition (especially as fulfilling ambitions often involves some amount of discomfort). Focusing on what you do not want is not equivalent to focusing on what you do want.

I never had a very good idea of what I want. I found this out when I went into therapy as an adult; I couldn't formulate any notion of what I wanted out of life. I couldn't even come up with any masturbatory, pie in the sky fantasies. I might vaguely be able to say something like "a bigger, nicer apartment", but I can't come up with any compelling ideas about what that would even look like. I try, but I know I'm faking it. Certainly part of my interest in religion and occultism is the idea that I could train myself to really clearly conceptualize any kind of goals or desires. In the case of occultism specifically (and, let's be honest, many forms of self-help), visualization is always a key element. In recent years I learned that I am abnormally incapable of forming mental images, and I have come to believe that this is intimately connected to my inability to figure out what I want or how to get it.

Nearly all of my thinking is verbal. I found out what aphantasia was while talking to my dad, who is extremely visual with an excellent grasp of spacial relations (something I have almost no concept of). He was shocked when I said I can't really picture anything, asking me "Then how do you do anything?" He said when he decides to make a sandwich, for instance, he automatically sees himself performing the actions of sandwich-making, and sees the aspirational sandwich in his mind's eye. Visualizing is essential to his entire executive process. It so happens that I am aphantasic and I have a lot of executive dysfunction. I no longer think this is coincidental.

(I'm also very faceblind, and I think this is connected; something to do with the ability to reconstitute a visual memory and relate it to something that is presently in front of me. But anyway...)

Perhaps oddly, I am an artist, or at least I have been. But I've never been able to draw from my imagination, like at all. The best work I've ever done is all swipes; I am a great believer in swipes, it can reveal a lot about your personal style and obsessions and when you re-draw someone else's art. But I can't just sit and think up something fun to draw, even when I try to just doodle I'm usually responding more to the lines I see emerging on the paper than anything I'm thinking or feeling. I think this is related to the fact that I'm an obsessive scopophile; I take in a lot of detail from my environment, and I watch movies with the same attitude and frequency with which most people listen to music. Recently I started to joke that I have an image deficiency and that's why I have to consume huge amounts of visual media, I need the external infusion. But like, it's not that much of a joke, maybe.

In my 30s I randomly developed this condition where scar tissue grows over your corneas, and I had to have a series of freaky eye surgeries. My doctors always asked if I grew up somewhere warm and sunny and windy, if I do a lot of outdoor sports (sometimes this condition is called "surfer's eye"); I thought this was pretty funny since I couldn't be more of an indoor kid, although maybe cycling is somewhat at fault. Still, my preferred diagnosis is that I watch so much trashy and violent crap that it literally scars my eyes. It's as good an explanation as any! And it does have this weird synergy with my other visual problems.

Anyway, it's not as if I've done absolutely nothing with my life. Quite a few personal achievements piled up in just the last couple of years; certainly I've benefited a lot from luck and the good will of others, but nothing would have happened without my own creativity and commitment. I just wish I had more, you know. Vision. I spend too much of my life "taking one day at a time" and waiting for things to happen to me, assuming I don't have much control over my experiences. I'd rather be able to imagine something that I want to happen and act on it; regardless of whether the thing is going to happen, I'd like to be able to formulate a goal other than paying the rent, or like, not waking up and going to sleep in a state of stark terror. I'm not sure how to get myself to that place, but maybe saying that that's what I want can count for something.

Anyway here are some photos of the thoughtfully planted shrubbery from the church. I missed the full bloom of the weeping cherries, but as soon as they die off the shrubs below turn bright red, pink, yellow, and white. It's pretty inviting I must say.

[cerberus-new-owner]

Had this stuck in my head all day (I lied the past 2 months) but

how do the brothers deal with like ptsd and stuff after the fall and losing their sister (I'm pretty sure it is brought up in the games but idk)

ngl I almost didn't post this

TRIGGER WARNING/CONTENT WARNING - Big boy Spoilers (can't remember what lesson/s) and Topics, Angsty, Mentions of Antidepressants, Depression, Eating Disorders, PTSD (like everyone in this has it), Anxiety, Probably OOC (Please tell me if I need to add anything to this)

About 1476 words in this including the intro this part and the end notes

If you feel like you need help or are going to do something overly drastic that could potentially harm yourself or others please contact

lifeline: 13 11 14

beyond blue: 1300 22 4636

or any other services similar that can help that apply to your country, region or area I am unsure as to whether or not these numbers will work in countries outside of Australia

These are just my headcanons that I've formed over the course of the past few months. If you feel I should add something or edit a part that I didn't do well on I will gladly take on any constructive criticism and edit this as i do not personally have expreience when it comes to most of these topics.

Lucifer

after the fall and the whole having to see his sister on the brink of death and having to hide the truth from his brothers he 100% has PTSD he hates talking about anything to do with it and has done as much as he can to erase certain things about the war from his mind and he 100% feels guilty about dragging his brothers down with him this caused him to try avoid them making up excuses to not have to leave dias side or offering to take on extra work for dia (leading him to overwork himself like he does in the og and nb timelines) and domino-ed into mammon having to deal with the others. he does eventually get better at managing his feelings and talking to his brothers and the other characters (as seen in the games from what i remember) but it'll always be to a certain extent before his stubborn pride takes hold.

Mammon

medicated depression, lucifer was like never there seeing as he would've been busy with lord diavolo leaving mammon to try to look after his five younger brothers as they all grieved whilst he was also grieving and trying to control his sin he had to (somewhat) pull his shit together somehow and it wouldn't help that his brothers are constantly referring to him as a scumbag and blaming him for stuff disappearing suddenly, mams only choice was to get diagnosed officially and start taking the meds he was given so he could help look after his family, (and if i remember right mamon says multiple times that he does care about his brothers and wants to help them) he has blocked out as much from the celestial war as he can the main parts still stick with him but over time the affect the memories of the war had on him faded, it will forever hurt him to remember just not as much as it did in those first few months/year.

Levi

chronic social anxiety the amount of demons talking about the fall and not trusting the brothers caused him to become more cautious when talking to others he focused only on the good memories from when he was in the celestial realm like watching anime with his brothers and sister re-watching said anime for days on end eventually he'd branch out and try something new just not whilst he was grieving. he just wants to feel the nostalgia/feel like he's somewhat honoring his sisters memory by watching the shows they used to watch together, he likes reliving the good memories with his sister thnking of the good things that happened rather than the bad. he does take therapy sessions through chats and such when he feels he needs them (more so in the past than in the 'present' idk what to call it)

Satan

as much as he hates to admit it at the beginning of his existence he had separation anxiety. lucifer disappearing and reappearing being the main trigger purely because he would've been confused (imagine spawning with memories and a feeling of wrath that's not yours seeing the guy who you spawned from and watching as said guy disappears leaving you with his younger brothers who are trying to grieve) like he despises lucifer sure but i feel like it would've been something like a baby duck and its mother (aka the first thing it sees) so whilst tan was constantly trying to hurt luci in the early months of his existence underneath that hatred was some kind of f-ed up 'as long as i stay here with my brothers i am looked after and cared for' or some kind of 'if i stay here long enough i can put these memories to stories and experiences' it's also kind of a rebellious teenager type thing like sure he rebels against lu but it's not necessarily pure hate (if it were a pure hate he would be trying to kill lucifer instead of mildly inconvenience him daily) other than that i don't think he would have depression or anything just PTSD from how he came to creation.

Asmo

as much as i don't want to say it i feel like he had an ED at some point after the fall along with depression the ED mainly from the sudden shock of change from chastity to lust feeling the constant need for some form of connection causing self insecurity to sink itself into him making him feel a strong need to look good on the outside to find people/demons to help satisfy that need for 'connection' sure he had his charm but i don't think he would've really known how to use it properly (i don't think any of the brothers would've had control of their sins like they do in the present timeline) and he would've felt bad making someone he didn't know to do that sort of thing against their will (back then he felt a lot more guilty, now he's just a shameless flirt).

Beel

PTSD he blames himself for her death and binge eats from both his sin and guilt he did eventually find a healthier outlet most likely being exercise knowing his sister wouldn't want him to feel so upset he doesn't try to block out the memories knowing that nothing can be done instead he tries to ignore how guilty he feels when his sister is brought up in conversation, he does his best to go through his normal daily routines he is probably profesionally diagnosed for depression (mammon probably got at least him and maybe belphie get diagnosed, he figured if anyone out of the brothers is gonna have a depressive episode of sorts after the fall it would've been them).

Belphie

PTSD, and as much as he hates it he does partially blame beel for the death of lilith the first few months he spent seething silently occasionally killing a few humans to extract his 'revenge' on them and ignoring his brothers unless it was beel. i also think he has a bit of depression, he lost his best friend and sister, had to watch her pretty much die in front of him and then didn't even get to say goodbye to her body when he fell because her body was gone (from what i know/remember) and he was the youngest other than lilith (again from what i know/remember) who fought on lucifer and liliths side of the war thats 100% gonna fuck someone up (like i mentioned with beel's mams tried to get him diagnosed as well he probably either declined or slept through the appointment).

Holy sugar that was a lot to type, I don't think I was quite able to write as well/freely as I normally would between making sure my facts are straight about certain mental illnesses and such but I hope I did some good in writing about them.

These are just my headcanons that I've formed over the course of the past few months. If you feel I should add something or edit a part that I didn't do well on I will gladly take on any constructive criticism and edit this.

None of this is any sort of recommendation or saying 'you should do this to fix your mental health' as I do not have personal experience when it comes to a lot of the things I talked about here nor am I a professional (getting a diagnosis is probably a good thing to do but it is purely what you believe is best for you) I did as much research as possible on how they affect different people (and did my best to transfer that into demons).

I went a bit darker than I would on a regular day/months of writing/typing for a fandom and I thoroughly apologize if this made anyone uncomfortable in any way but there was a warning at the start.

Again, if you feel like you need help or are going to do something overly drastic that could potentially harm yourself or others please contact

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636

or any other services similar that can help that apply to your country or area I am unsure as to whether or not these numbers will work in countries outside of Australia.

Have a good day/night/marshmallow (I promise the next thing I post isn't gonna be angsty)

its just a hop skip and a jump to the masterlist