#I've been watching a lot of Star Trek lately...

[tumbleofdorks]

When the trio is actually, in fact, a fully functional Troll quad.

[foone]

weird thought: I think if I was a teenager now (or anytime in the last decade or so) I think I would have written (and read!) a lot more fanfic than I did in reality, where I was a teenager in the 90s.

See, I've never been hugely into fanfic. Never had anything against it exactly, but it just wasn't something I was into. But I think that has to do with an interesting combination of how my brain works and what time I was first really getting into being a fan.

I've got a "librarian" brain (I'm literally typing this from within a library, WHERE I WORK). It wants to know things like "what are all the works in this series/by this creator?" and "are they all accessible?" and "what info is available about how it was made?"

I'm the kind of person who will watch a show then go look it up on wikipedia to see how many seasons it has, who made it, if they're still making it, check tvtropes for any more info, etc. Or I hear a song I like by a band I've never heard of, so I go listen to their entire discography while researching them. I just focus on things I'm into that way, you know? I don't half-ass my interest. (this is probably related to my autism, of course)

So what does this have to do with fanfic? like, do I go read some fanfics as part of this process? No, and I think the reason for it is when I specifically first got into fandom, as a teen.

See, this sort of fandom-librarian was harder to do in 1997, you know? You couldn't just pull up the wikipedia for that new show and see how many episodes it had. You also couldn't just listen to the whole discography of that band! Forget Spotify or Google Music, even Napster didn't exist yet.

So my interest in fandom focused a lot more on very basic questions: How many episodes/albums/books/whatever are there? Where can I see/hear them all? Like, I remember getting excited because I found some fan magazine that had a list of all the Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes. Just a list! Not even descriptions or anything. I finally could take that list and see how many I'd seen, so I'd know when I saw them all in late-night reruns.

So I'm focusing on these very basic parts of being a fandom-librarian and I stumble across some fanfic. I'm like "oh, is this a transcript of an episode I haven't seen yet?" and I realize it's not, it's a story written by a fan, and I get a knee-jerk reaction of "that's not helpful to my quest to know and find all the episodes". It's like I am on a quest for the holy grail and I found a fake cup. It's not helpful to me, and at worst it's a distraction from my goal.

And the thing is, I think the fact I had that reaction is entirely due to the time and situation in which I first encountered fanfic. It was in that environment of "I can't even find a list of the episodes, let alone a way to watch them all!" and that anxiety that colored my response to finding fanfic.

I think if I instead was first introduced to fanfic NOW, where those fandom-librarian drives aren't so difficult to fulfill, I'd be way more positive about fanfic. If I could get a list of episodes with a quick google search, and watch them easily on netflix/prime/whatever, I'd be less "THIS DOESN'T HELP! I AM STRUGGLING WITH THE BASICS HERE!" and more "yay, more content for the fandom I'm obsessed with!"

Like I said, I'm not anti-fanfic, I never have been, I just never got into it. From the beginning I had this reaction that was "this is not useful" and I never developed any real interest in it. Which is a shame, honestly. Fanfic is great. It just never became one of my interests, and while I've written it and read it from time to time, I imagine I'd be way more into it if I didn't have the weird reaction to it due to the worries of the time in which I first encountered it.

I don't know how many other people have brains that work anything like mine, but if they exist, I'm glad they're now growing up in a world where they won't have these problems. They can get into fanfic without this weird baggage caused by a lack of information.

[trillscienceofficer]

Re: your tags about Seven being made into a mother to the Borg children. It's always been bothering me so much! An older sister is what I've been thinking of her as instead. Even with Icheb who was a late teenager/almost adult and Seven was 26ish?

It's always bothered me a lot too! I distinctly remember being very indignant about how Voyager framed the Borg children in relation to Seven even the first time I watched the show. I take exception in particular to the very obvious expectation from the rest of the crew that Seven would become their primary caretaker instead of, you know, a shared responsibility of the whole ship. Of course the crew is only a family until we can shove a woman in the role of “nurturing mother”, then all responsibilities are automatically fulfilled—then again it's what families actually do to women in real life so I guess that tracks.

And the Borg kids are not even the first offenders! There's One in “Drone” for whom Seven is also asked to do the same thing, and sometimes the show does this with Naomi too, when the writers forgot that Naomi had an actual mother already. Thankfully I think Naomi and Seven mostly escape this paradigm, but it's telling that it happens over and over, that Voyager is so insistent in making Seven a caretaker this way and especially that she would not need any support while she learns to be one, framing it as an “motherly instinct” that she just needs to awaken. It's infuriating.

This is all the more ridiculous, like you say, between Seven and Icheb because she's not that much older than him and he's already a teenager on Voyager, so imagine how great it was for me to hear their rapport once again shoved into a mother/son mold on Star Trek: Picard. I was actually talking about this with @directedbygatesmcfadden earlier, I cannot help but see this trend as a complete failure of imagination when it comes to writing women. Can women not be mentors? Does caretaking have to mean motherhood when a woman does it? The fact that Voyager and Picard don't seem to be able to even ask those question for a character like Seven of Nine is... I don't even know what to say. It's bleak, man. Honestly, I wish the fandom resisted the idea of Seven as a “mother” more often.

[the-oracle-of-the-lost]

I watched every Star Trek episode & here are my opinions.

as the title says – i finished all the Star Trek shows as of today yesterday and since i watched most of them while i wasn't using tumblr, i want do do some mini-reviews – both what i think are objectively the best shows and which are my personal favorites. i might make a couple more "ranking" posts for theme song/pilot/finale/favorite epsiodes/etc eventually but this post is already long as hell. i'll also probably do a movie post sometime but i want to rewatch the AOS movies first since i haven't seen Into Darkness since it came out (before i was actively a Trekkie).

also just as a note, these are fully my own opinions & tastes. i'm not trying to argue that any of these shows are bad (nor are any flawless), i'm just Some Guy giving my opinions.

continued under the cut. apologies for how long this is but there sure is a lot of Star Trek.

Watch Order

my opinions are probably a bit influenced by the order that i first watched these shows in so just as some background – i watched sporadic episodes of TOS & TNG when i was a kid which was enough to be familiar with the characters, general vibes, & world but not enough to really get into it. in late 2020/early 2021 i watched DS9 per a friend's recommendation and really loved it and decided to give all the different shows a shot. i watched all of TNG summer 2021, watched some of Disco & (what was then all of) Lower Decks in fall 2021. i started Voyager spring 2022, was interrupted because of Life Stuff and finished it spring 2023. i watched the first season of snw & prodigy sometime in between then. watched Picard spring 2023 just before s3 aired. watched Enterprise summer/fall 2023. finished Disco spring 2024 (just before s5). did a slow march through TOS between summer 2023 and summer 2024. and finally i watched TAS this past month. and i've been keeping up with all recent releases since 2023.

i've also rewatched a large amount of Trek either with my mom or friends at various times so i've ended up seeing most episodes twice (or more in the case of DS9 & Voyager).

Somewhat Objective Ranking:

there's a large difference for me between shows that i think are objectively good & ones that i'm personally attached to so here's just my attempt at ranking Star Trek shows by how good i think they are from a critical lens, not necessarily my favorite.

for me – a good show, and specifically a good Star Trek show, should have in my opinion a) a diverse & strong cast of characters, b) have unique & compelling plots whether they're based in science fiction, politics, or philosophy, c) has a strong moral center & explores the nature of humanity in some way, d) allows the audience to believe in a better future, e) is consistent (both with continuity and episode quality), f) does something to differentiate it from other shows, and g) is actually entertaining.

i don't think any shows come close to fulfilling all of those qualities but some do better than others.

11. The Animated Series: probably not a surprise that it comes in last. it's a fun show by the standard of kid's cartoon in the 70s and i genuinely do like it but it has a lot of the flaws of TOS (lack of continuity, lack of character depth, flimsy plots) with few of the upsides. though i do like how the secondary characters get more of a focus than in TOS.

10. Enterprise: big jump up in quality here from TAS but Enterprise does fall flat compared to the other shows. the Vulcan & Andorian stories are almost always good but so much of s1 & s2 lacks creativity and a lot of the a plots end up feeling generic & reused (though the b plots are often great). s3 falls into an obvious & uncomfortable 9/11/war on terror metaphor that has not aged well. and s4 is a huge improvement but doesn't make up for the faults of earlier seasons. additionally, i think returning to "the Trio + secondary characters" was largely a mistake as characters like Hoshi & Travis remain horribly underdeveloped (and what a coincidence that they're characters of color...) all in all. some great ideas and a handful of great episodes but it doesn't make up for how meh large swathes of the show can be.

9. The Original Series: i'm going to be honest that it this is the hardest show to objectively rank just because it's the first and it's so hugely impactful not just on the Star Trek franchise (obviously) but also on science fiction, pop culture, TV production, and American culture. its impact is quite literally immeasurable and i think unfortunately it means the show will always feel small in comparison to the shadow it casts. don't get me wrong. some episodes are great even by today's standard, not to mention by the standard of the 60s. but so many episodes, especially as the show went on, end up being pretty mediocre, poorly paced, misogynistic/racist, and have thin plots. TOS is enjoyable for me because of the camp & exploring the foundations of this fictional universe i love so dearly but i'm not going to pretend that it's objectively better than other shows on this list just because of its legacy.

8. Picard: now i could pretty easily judge each season of Picard as its own show and each season would get spaced out in entirely different places on this list. i genuinely believe s1 of Picard is one of the best seasons of Star Trek. the writing fumbles a bit at the end but the characters, direction, & acting is some of the best of the franchise. unfortunately the choice to present each season as a separate anthology reallllly let's it down because of the lack of continuity between seasons. the pandemic definitely threw a wrench into the show but s2 (while i enjoy it), has a very messy meandering plot that feels insecure in its skin. s3 (which i also enjoy) has tighter writing but suffers majorly from having been outlined before the end of s2 therefore having a weird discontinuous transition between seasons and unfortunately excluding so many great characters from s1 & 2. i love it dearly (not to foreshadow my personal favorite ranking) but it is a mess.

7. Discovery: most of the critiques i have of Picard also stand for Discovery which also opted for the "anthology" style series which i think fundamentally doesn't work. Discovery took awhile to find its voice and after s3, still sung somewhat off key. Michael is easily one of the best & most well developed Star Trek characters and the rest of the cast is good but are painfully underdeveloped as its hyperserialized format doesn't really leave time to get to know the characters unless it's essential for the plot. like Picard, it also got screwed over by pandemic-era production leaving some episodes clumsily written. some seasons, in my opinion, end up with an overcomplicated plot that becomes difficult to follow. nevertheless, there are some episodes and scenes that are stunning and somewhat make up for the mis-steps. and ultimately, the later seasons of the show really do understand the heart of Star Trek.

6. Strange New Worlds: going back to an episodic style for the next live action show after the mixed reviews of Picard & Discovery was definitely a good choice. the writing is much tighter, the characters generally feel more whole, and there's more to grab onto compared to entirely serialized shows. and after a lot of the darkness in Discovery and Picard, it feels like a breath of fresh air to have a show that feels joyful & fun. however. so much of SNW is built off of pre-existing Star Trek (mainly TOS) that it struggles to form its own identity and when it tries to be a new show, it gets caught in the trap of betraying existing continuity. the episodes focusing on La'an, Uhura, M'Benga, & Una are great – some of the best of new trek – but episodes focusing on Spock, Chapel, and Pike end up feeling... off with messy writing and being Kinda Weird about disability/genetics. since it's only had two seasons, i definitely think SNW could ascend or descend in the rankings in the upcoming season(s).

5. The Next Generation: TNG wasn't quite as hard for me to rank as TOS but it sometimes struggles with a similar problem that its legacy in pop culture sometimes overshadows the show itself. it's also tricky because when TNG is good, it's phenomenal; when it's bad, it's really bad; but most episodes land somewhere in the middle. s1 is borderline unwatchable, s2 is just a step above, and from there it gets a lot stronger after behind the scene problems were worked out & it found a stable writing staff. it ends up striking a good balance of stories between straightforward science mysteries, deep explorations of philosophy, space politics, and fun romps. it ends up getting dragged down more than a little by Roddenberry's lingering insistence to have the characters avoid long term conflict and the very episodic style resulting in less ongoing story arcs. characters like Geordi, Wes, Beverly, & Troi also end up feeling somewhat underdeveloped in comparison to characters like Picard & Data.

4. Voyager: this is probably one of my more controversial picks (judging by how others tend to rank the series) and maybe i'm biased but i do genuinely believe that Voyager deserves its place this high on the list. Voyager is an inconsistent show which certainly pulls it down a little but manages to strike a better balance in episode quality and is able to have more dynamic characters & more ongoing narratives than TNG. Voyager still has its share of bad episodes and gets off to a somewhat shaky start (particularly struggling in early s2) but finds its groove more easily because of the experienced writing team that already had years of Star Trek under their belt & an excellent cast. Voyager's biggest stumbles are definitely in regards to under-serving some of the characters (especially Chakotay, Tuvok, and Harry) in later seasons.

3. Deep Space Nine: a somewhat obvious pick for top three Trek shows. DS9 has deservedly been getting its praises in recent years for its darker narratives, its bold approach to some of TV's first serialized stories, its exploration of politics & religion, and the masterful way it can bounce between nuanced episodes on serious topics & fun comedy. it flails a little bit in the first two seasons while finding its voice but compared to some of the other shows, it starts off strong and the quality is generally consistent with seasons 4 & 6 being the obvious highlight. however despite the strength of the characters, actors, and writing, there are certainly times when the show fumbles: episodes that get a bit too dark to bounce back from (and aren't followed up on), stories that present some troubling ethics without much pushback, and its fair share of the mediocre scifi mystery episodes seeded throughout 90s Trek.

2. Lower Decks: based on its first season, Lower Decks is a fun but non-serious entry into the Trek pantheon. so it was surprising when what seemed at first glance like a typical irreverent adult animation show, developed so much genuine heart for both the the Lower Decks characters & the wider Trek franchise. Lower Decks could have been an excuse to string together a bunch of fan-servicey references but it becomes genuinely heartfelt with great new characters, fun worldbuilding, actual insightful commentary on existing Trek, and the ability to laugh at itself while still being made with love. while the first two seasons drag it down a little bit (i think they went in too hard with the raunchy comedy vibes), season 3 and especially season 4 are really great especially with the exploration of Mariner's PTSD that strengthens her into one of the best character in Trek.

1. Prodigy: plenty of people have been singing Prodigy's praises since its untimely cancellation and no joke – it is, in my opinion, the best Star Trek show. it is more of a kids oriented show than the other entries on this list (except TAS) but that doesn't mean it lets up on having complex plots & characters. it might be the only Star Trek show that i genuinely believe doesn't have a bad episode (albeit a couple in s1 that are just okay) and s2 as whole is a masterpiece. the only things that let it down in my opinion are: somewhat clunky animation on close-ups (though the background animation is gorgeous) and the plot getting so over complicated by s2 that i had to draw a diagram to keep track of the time travel (and this is coming from someone who loves over complicated time travel stories.)

My Personal Favorite Star Trek Shows:

11. The Animated Series: as i said before – it's fun, i'm glad it exists, it doesn't really offend me, but with the exception of the episode Yesteryear, it doesn't really do anything for me.

10. The Original Series: yeah... i'm sorry. i just don't click with TOS that much (or TOS era in general as you can tell from the rest of this list). i can recognize its importance and there are definitely some episodes i really enjoyed (either for the camp factor or because they're genuinely good) but the majority of the episodes i either don't have much of an opinion on or i think are genuinely bad (in a not fun way). i'm also fine with looking past some of the bigotries of the time but even so the misogyny & racism in the show was just too much for me. sorry.

9. Strange New Worlds: i enjoy SNW for the most part but it's definitely dragged down because 1) i strongly dislike how Spock is written, 2) while i definitely like episodic Trek more, the short episode order does make the episodes i dislike stand out a lot more, 3) a lot of the show is built on nostalgia-bait for TOS era which... i just don't really have. there are great episodes but as a whole, i'm just not attached to it.

8. Discovery: i really disliked the first two seasons of Discovery when i first watched them and though they've grown on me, it's just too dark for me to really get into. seasons 3-5 i like a lot more and i appreciate how earnest & hopeful it is (especially compared to seasons 1 & 2) but the writing can be a bit heavy handed. and as much as i do really love Michael, i definitely prefer shows with a stronger focus on the ensemble as a whole. that said, i am definitely attached to the characters and really love the 32nd century worldbuilding that's done.

7. Enterprise: i'm honestly a bit surprised that i ended up liking Enterprise this much but the fourth season (with the exception of the finale that definitely doesn't exist) is banger after banger. and while the episodes of earlier seasons might be a bit uninspired, the general worldbuilding is genuinely interesting to me with the exploration of Vulcan politics, the Vulcan-Andorian War, the Temporal Cold War, the pre-Federation politics of Earth, and more. i'm also greatly endeared to all the secondary characters (Hoshi & Phlox particularly) which means it's also a shame that the non-Archer, Trip, & T'Pol characters get so little screentime. and while so much of the first two seasons is kinda bleh, the B plots & runners to those episodes end up being really fun and ends up creating a world & characters that feels worth exploring.

6. Prodigy: i think with time (and a possible third season...) Prodigy could become one of my favorite Treks and as i already said – it's very very good. the core cast of characters is really strong with all of them (except for maybe Murf & Jankom Pog) being well developed and compelling. the plot is interesting and feels relatively unique while still feeling like Star Trek at its core. it's also the rare example of a series that has a lot of fan-service while still retaining its identity and the strength of its own characters. ultimately, it ends up ranking lower on here than my more objective tier list because some of the angst & darkness i enjoy in stories doesn't quite deliver (which is very much not a fault of the show since it is a family show), the way Janeway is written doesn't always quite line up with my own view of the character (again, not a fault of the show), and the fact that i just haven't spent as much time with the show & characters yet.

5. The Next Generation: TNG is very much a comfort show to me. i don't have all that much to add from my objective review (there are very bad episodes, very good episodes, but most are somewhere in the middle). i really like all the characters and the behind the scenes friendships really translate well to the screen but none of them really compel me the way characters do further up on this list. i do give the show a lot of credit though for continuing the worldbuilding established in TOS and taking it in a new direction and a new vibes (rather than continuing the space western format) that is hugely influential to all of the shows that came after it.

4. Lower Decks: pretty much the same as my objective review – it's a fun show that ends up finding a good balance of humor, strong characters, and pointed commentary at past Trek shows. it's a show obviously filled with a lot of love for the franchise and i'm very glad it exists. aside from Mariner, i'm not quite as attached to the other characters but i do love them all.

3. Deep Space Nine: as i said before, DS9 is undoubtedly one of the strongest shows in Star Trek. it has the most recurring characters, pretty much all of which i find compelling, and a fantastic cast of regulars as well. the overall plot of the show is incredibly strong and allows it to have a lot of good commentary on imperialism, war, religion, race, and more. it has my two favorite episodes in all of Star Trek (The Visitor and Far Beyond the Stars) and so many other bangers as well. it's the show that first hooked me into Star Trek & the Star Trek fandom and it really is fantastic. the reason it doesn't rank higher here is entirely subjective in that i just don't feel as compelled to explore the characters & fandom as the last two shows on this list. other people have talked about how shows that are too objectively good aren't necessarily the best for fandom and that's how i kind of feel about DS9. it's great. i love it. i'm not necessarily compelled to feel like i have to add to it.

2. Picard: i can recognize that in many ways Picard kinda fails as a show (for reasons i've already stated) but that absolutely does not stop me from loving it. it's extremely messy and i've wanted to fix it ever since i saw it. it might be an unpopular opinion but the worldbuilding developments in s1 (the destruction of Romulus, the synth ban, the general darkness of the Federation) are incredibly compelling to me and i really do like deconstructing Picard as a character (even if i wish he was in the show a little less). and despite some major inconsistencies between seasons, i find the characters wonderfully rich and well written and every time i watch an episode, i feel like i want to explore them more and more. (not coincidentally, it's also the Star Trek show i've written the most fanfic for.)

1. Voyager: Voyager has enthralled me mind, body, & soul. i've never had such a fast turn around from a show that i was meh about to one that constantly consumed my thoughts. it's undoubtedly imperfect but it's imperfect in a way that i feel compelled to want to study and fix. with the exception of maybe DS9, Voyager has the strongest cast of characters and one of the strongest premises of any show. i firmly believe that Kathryn Janeway is the best (and certainly my favorite) Captain in all of Star Trek and most of the characters rank among my favorite Trek characters of all time. even if there aren't a ton of obvious ongoing narratives, the subtle ways the characters change over the 7 years is great and leaves the door open for fandom to explore so much (which as you can tell is definitely something that draws me to a lot of shows). and while DS9 might have my favorite episode of Star Trek, Voyager ends up having more stories that rank amongst my favorites (Year of Hell, Latent Image, Endgame, Barge of the Dead, Bride of Chaotica, Riddles, Survival Instinct, Timeless, etc).

anyways.... that sums that up. i'll probably type up my list of favorite episodes sometime in the next few days because i need to milk the "i watched all of Star Trek" thing for a little bit.

[ohtobeleah]

Never Good Enough // Mickey Garcia

Summary: People always leave Fanboy. He goes through pilots like chump change. Is it him? Is he the problem? What happens when one of the many times you’ve tried to console your husband when his demons become to brutal?

Warnings: Left Behind trope. Spooky dream vibes. Depressed Mickey. F-18 crash.

Author Note: Day Nineteen of Whumptober. Prompt I chose: Left Behind. Thank you to @ailesswhumptober for the prompt list.

Whumptober Masterlist | Main Masterlist

“Honey, I think you might be reading into this a little more than you should be.” Mickey Garcia could be described by a lot of people as a lot of different things. He could be described by his colleagues as a genuine soul whose love for aviators made excelling in his career easy. His friend could say that he had one of the most endemic memories to date– holding a plethora of knowledge about star wars, star trek and battle star galactica, basically any and all shows and movies that end in the word star at the tip of his tongue.  

Fanboy is a team player, he thrives off the people he chooses to surround himself with. He’s a social butterfly who goes from person to person through the night collecting stories and making memories laced in drunken hazes or sober serenity. He could be described as a compassionate person who goes above and beyond for the people in his life. 2

But most importantly, his wife, Y/n, could describe Mickey as a life partner who consistently shows that he is one of the best people you could ever know. He knows how to crack a joke at the right moment and lighten any mood you might find yourself in. His love for his passions and career and his wife surfaces any kind of love anyone had ever seen. 

Because Mickey Fanboy Garcia is good people. Simply put– he’s the best kind of person you want on your team. 

But despite all that, despite all the kind and gracious things people say about him–Fanboy couldn't feel any further from it. 

“But I'm not.” It was the way your husband said it that made you question if you were the one who wasn't taking his concerns as seriously as you should be. Mickey stood in the shower with his head under the warmth of the running water, hiding his tears as the muscles in his back clenched in anger. “Payback was my longest standing front seater, everyone leaves.” 

You knew it was hard on your husband to say goodbye to people who he trusted with his life. You could remember the last time Mickey was separated from his front seater. Erin was a dear friend, but you hadn’t seen her in a few years. 

“Everyone always ends up leaving me and I don't know what to do with myself.” You had a feeling this could have been about more than just Payback's new posting. There was an underlying tone of self sorrow that you picked up on as you turned around to face your husband as he showered. As you let out a soft but audible sigh, you knew that there had to be more. “Six months–six months is the longest I've had a front seater for and you wanna stand here and tell me I'm not the problem?” 

You and Mickey didn’t argue an awful lot, again, he was as kind as kind could be. But he was struggling, he had concocted this ideology in his mind that everyone around him, all his friends, his family, you, we’re going to leave. Abandon him sooner or later. 

And it didn’t help that you and Mickey had been working so much as of late that your conflicting schedules were beginning to take a toll on your ability to communicate properly. 

“I don’t think it's you babe–” You began as you made your way over to the shower door. The fog from the shower made the glass its home as you pushed it open, watching as your husband's muscles tightened at your response. But you persisted, hesitantly. “Erin, Reuban, even the guys before like Luke and Mitch, they were either stationed out or just got caught up in the reshuffle, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with you.” 

Mickey Garcia was genuinely the best person you knew. So when he turned around with veins popping in his neck from frustration, you didn't know how to process the way his tone echoed off the walls around you. It didn't sound like your husband, the man you loved so dearly. The man who was usually the level headed, logical partner out of the two of you. 

“Y/n, just stop.” You had to pause and take a minute to register what was going on. “You've been working nights, weekends, hell you've even been working my days off– I know somethings going on.” You really had to hold your tongue as Mickey let loose. You knew it was coming from a place of anger and frustration, but regardless it was missguided, it wasn't appreciated, and it certainly could have been handled in a better way. “If you’re gonna leave too, just fucking do it.” 

Your husband never swore at you the way he just had. Mickey wasn’t himself, you couldn’t recognise the sadness in his eyes. The pain behind his tears. He was crumbling under the weight of being left behind over and over and over again by the people who mattered most. 

“You think I’d leave you?” You had to make sure you had all the dots connected before you decided to let your frustration run wild. “You think that because the people you work with change and that I’ve taken on a bigger role in the company that I’d leave you?” 

“Everyone leaves me!!” Mickey finally snapped as he ran his hands through his wet, dark brown locks. Completely soaked and clinging to his scalp and neck. “Everyone—so yeah, with the track record I’ve got going babe I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before you decide I’m not good enough for you either!” You stood there completely speechless, in all the years you had known your husband you had never seen him so broken, so full of self doubt and self loathing that he had begun to take it out on you. “I’m not good enough—“ But then, the gentle stream of tears turned into someone more violent and all consuming. 

“Honey—“ You cooed as you watched your husband shake his head as painful sobs ripped through his chest. The walls were all closing in on him. Those shoulders of his that you thought could have carried the weight of the world, slumped in utter defeat and soon enough—Mickey Fanboy Garcia was on his knees under the warm stream of water, crying out for someone to stay with him. “Oh Mick, honey.” 

“Everyone always leaves.” It came out like a mantra, the voices inside his mind wouldn’t stop. “You’ll leave too, and I’ll be all alone and I don’t know what I keep doing wrong.” You had to do something, consol your husband so that he knew he wasn’t alone. He had his demons but you were there to fend them off, like a knight in shining armor. 

As Mickey kneeled under the warm stream, crying into the palms of his hands, you stripped off your clothes. Articles laid strewn across the bathroom floor haphazardly as you stepped into the shower and kneeled with your husband. 

But you can't control a nightmare that isn't yours, and you can't decide what happens next in someone else's dreams. 

It was only then did the nightmare Mickey thought he was already living turn into an all out hellscape. Your touch, usually so warm and comforting, was as cold as ice. So cold it damn near burned his cheeks. When Mickey looked up to meet your gaze he saw nothing but dark eyes that allowed him to peer into your soul. Nothing remained but a darkness so unholy that it made him jump about three feet away from you into the glass of the shower. 

“We all left you Fanboy.” It wasn’t your voice anymore, but Paybacks. “Wake up!” It was your body, but your voice had been contorted into something straight from hell. 

Mickey cried as you crawled towards him, he cowered in the corner of the shower as you cornered him in, trapping him without any kind of defense as you chuckled and smirked—the corners of your lips exaggerated to the point it looked as if your lips had been pinned to your cheeks. 

“Wake up, don’t you smell the burning fuel?” 

In that very moment Mickey gasped as the overwhelming smell of burning jet fuel choked his airways. Suddenly he wasn’t in the shower anymore—he was in the snowy pine fields laying on his back looking up at the clouds above. 

“Y/n?” He moaned as he rolled over, still coughing and splattering as he tried to gather his bearings. What had happened? Where was he? Oh. The mission. “Payback?” 

Groaning as he rose to his knees, Mickey took his helmet off and looked around the burning rubble and debris from the F-18 he’d just been in. Parts laid sprawled over the snowy field as small pockets of fire burned the twisted chunks of aluminum and carbon fiber. 

The more he looked the more he came to terms with what had happened. It was a surface to air missile. 

“PAYBACK!?” Mickey shouted as he stumbled weakly to his feet, coughing up blood as he did so from his prominent injuries. How was he even alive? “REUBEN!?” His throat was cut up. Torn apart from shouting and yelling at the top of his lungs as he walked and walked and walked through the forest to try and find his front seater. 

A panic deep inside him began to bubble over when Mickey realised that his biggest fear was coming to fruition. And when he heard the helicopter buzzing not too far from where he stood he knew that he was being left behind, he knew he was going to be left behind to die alone. 

“HEY!” He shouted as he ran as fast as he could, sprinting through the thick covering of snow as he saw Payback being hoisted into the air. “I'M HERE! WAIT!” 

No one could see him, no one could hear him. All Mickey could think about was you, his beautiful wife, being left to stamp his wing into his coffin. 

“PLEASE! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!” 

But it was all to no avail, the rescue helicopter turned around and began to fly away. In the opposite direction from where Mickey stood. And his biggest fears came true. 

Mickey Fanboy Garcia wasn’t good enough to be saved. He wasn’t good enough to not be left behind, and he certainly wasn’t going to be rescued. 

He’d been left behind. 

***~***~***~***~***~**~***~***~***~***~

Whumptober Tags 🏷️ @xoxabs88xox @oldermenaremyreligion @slut-f0r-u @emma-is-cool @armydrcamers @topguncortez @topgun-imagines @kmc1989 @els-marvelvsp @blindedbythelightt

[jesslovesboats]

Getting to know someone better

Thanks for the tag @ktredshoes!

Last song: Don't Go to the Woods by the Decemberists

Favorite color: hunter green

Currently watching: Star Trek Voyager reruns. I also just finished The Good Lord Bird, which was an interesting take on John Brown

Last movie: First Cow- watched it on a friend's recommendation and it was very good!

Sweet/savory/spicy: a toss up between sweet and savory, but I'm giving it to savory because one of the saddest things about getting older is that some of my favorite things are now too sweet, which is cruel beyond words

Current obsession: Aside from polar exploration (which is less of an obsession and more of a lifestyle at this point), I am obsessed with the 588th Night Bomber Regiment, a Soviet all female aviation regiment that fought during WWII. I've been doing a lot of genealogy research lately, and I'm also volunteering with Women for Harris-Walz. Mostly, though, I'm close enough to my upcoming trip to Europe that it consumes 75% of my thoughts on any given day. I'm making a spreadsheet of friends to meet up with, museums to visit, and bookstores and perfume shops that will bankrupt me!

Last thing I searched: the address for the surgery center where my cat got neutered earlier today, but that's boring, so I will also tell you some things that I'm currently researching for Baby's First Big Writing Project That May or May Not Pan Out: the history of the US Marine Reserves in WWI, Appalachian folklore, the Christian Science movement, nativism and discrimination against German-Americans in the years leading up to WWI, spiritualism and astrology in the 1920's, and buffalo head nickels.

Absolutely no pressure tagging @i-have-loved-you-too-much, @overlysweetcoffee, @johnnystorrm, and @sastrugie, as well as anyone else who wants to play!

[anonymooseforever007]

Hi Y'all! I'm gonna try to get back on here! (Y'all can skip this if you want!)

Hi ❤️ ok so I hope y'all are all doing well! I know it's been I've a year since I've posted anything really or like done any interaction and stuff. But towards the end of the summer I got really busy getting ready to go back to school and then my anxiety about interacting with like anyone started acting up and like it kinda just stayed there for a while. And then I also kinda got distracted a little bit from Peaky Blinders and writing stuff, but I'm gonna try to get back on here now. I will admit I haven't been looking at to many things for Peaky Blinders recently as I've been a bit more into other shows and have been watching them more than reading lately (EX: X-Files (Fox Mulder), Star Trek SNW (Spock), Star Trek TOS (Kirk), Justified, All the CSI's, Criminal Minds, etc).

But yeah like that's been happening and I feel bad because I kept meaning to get back on and then I didn't. But I think it should be all good now. I just stared my senior year in college, and I've started anxiety meds which have helped a lot, and I've got a remote internship I'm still going to be doing for a bit so I still can't say how regularly I'll be posting or getting on here but I just wanted to start trying to do it again, without maybe going to fast and scaring myself off again😅 Also Tumblr seems to have glitches and deleted a few messages on my end that were sent to me but I don't get a chance to respond to to if y'all sent something and I did't see it I'm very sorry. I tumblr seems to be giving me issues about working it on my phone right now which is how I usually do it all. And I'm going to try and up date that.

In terms of works written works, the WIP list I made like a year ago is still the current list of what's finished along with a small number of incorrect quotes and random stuff I need to filter through. I do have one story I'm going to try and post right after this before I go to classes again and then I'll try checking in back after I finish work today. So that will be updated. And then I've been stuck writing lately so I'm going to slowly trying to start getting back into it!

But yeah... that's all I can think of for now. I'm not sure what else to say really but that I hope y'all are doing well and thank you to everyone who enjoyed my stories even when I was gone, I'm glad that I could hopefully brighten you day a bit:)

[subbyfoxelf]

hey so sorry to jumpscare anyone who's still following me by posting some stuff here for the first time in like literally a year i think? adhd is fun. but yeah, i've really been missing writing something fierce, so i may try to be more present. i cannot promise that i'll be great about keeping up with what y'all are up to on here because the parts of my day i used to fill with scrolling tumblr have seemingly evaporated? but i'll do my best.

anyway, i was listening to a patreon bonus episode of one of my favorite podcasts (hey riddle riddle), and one of the hosts (adal) mentioned that every time he rewatches a tv show he hasn't watched in a while, he usually ends up with a different favorite character than he had the last time he watched it. and that got me thinking about some shows i've rewatched lately, and i realized that's largely been the case for me as well. hardly a shocking revelation of course, but i decided to do what any normal person would do with this information and write a long post no one but me is going to care about about my experience with this phenomenon.

avatar: the last airbender

original favorite: aang

current favorite: zuko

this is the most interesting one to me, and it also feels like it makes a great deal of sense both in terms of how i've changed since the first time i watched this show and also just how the show mechanically works. like... the first time you watch the first few seasons, prince zuko is unambiguously the bad guy for the first few seasons. the show even seems to go out of its way to show him being offered an off-ramp or two and not taking them. which is part of why him finally doing so feels so earned.

watching it the second time through was just a completely different experience. it didn't feel weird whenever zuko did something admirable. it didn't make me roll my eyes whenever he was Going Through It and showed us that he was hurting. it didn't make me angry to see him trying his best for a dad who would never love him. or rather, it did make me angry, very angry, but not at him.

i genuinely think atla is one of the shows that most rewards a rewatch. it was already one of my favorite shows of all time the first time i watched it, but i realized upon rewatching it that i was somehow underrating it in my memory.

star trek: the next generation

original favorite: captain picard

current favorite: riker

honestly there are a bunch of characters on this show i might've called my favorite on any given day when i was younger. i definitely went through phases with worf & geordi too. and embarrassingly i think my first favorite character was probably wesley. but i think the one i most consistently came back to was captain picard. he was aspirational. i wanted to be that good at listening to all sides of an issue but always, always making what i believed with strong moral conviction was the right choice, and being willing to put myself into the literal & figurative line of fire to defend my principles.

and don't get me wrong, there are still a lot of things i admire about picard. but also like... one other consistent thing about my favorite character years ago is that it was for sure never will riker. to be completely honest when i first watched the show i thought he was easily the most boring character. like, what even is a first officer? spock was that and a science officer at the same time. and on top of that the character himself is intentionally channeling the worst star trek captain? are you sure? and the thing that everyone likes about him is that he has a beard? (no offense to anyone but i don't find facial hair attractive.)

to be honest i still don't quite get the beard thing, but wow was i ever sleeping on this guy. will riker is my favorite tng character and it isn't particularly close. part of it is just finally noticing how dang charismatic jonathan frakes is in his unique kind of way, and how much he uses that charisma to be warm & reassuring and just... generally kind of a "good guy"? like, i hate star trek: picard, but i think seeing riker as a wholesome husband & dad is a big part of what made his character finally click for me. and going back & rewatching tng, it was hard not to notice how much he was constantly standing up for people and just... caring.

maybe that's just it. i like "boring" characters who care and want everyone to be ok and will do their best no matter what. and that's will riker.

and yeah, it helps that he's a slut.

star trek: deep space nine

original favorite: worf

current favorite: captain sisko

worf was my favorite star trek character for a good long time and there are still things i admire about him. i'll never not fall for that stupid-ass trick they pull every tng episode where he's having an interpersonal conflict in which he's been carrying the pigheaded idiot ball all episode, and he'll say something that sounds completely unredeemable and reminds you of all the reasons you're on the other person's side, but then he'll pause dramatically and start his next sentence with, "however." and immediately say the coolest shit you've ever heard that shows he's really Grown and Learned (but he'll forget by the next episode because while late-season tng got really good at having at least one character experience character development per episode, it wasn't until ds9 that they showed any signs of actually retaining what they learned from episode to episode).

also like... when we talk about autistic-coded characters i feel like worf often gets left out, but he's just... yeah, guys. yeah.

but on my last rewatch of ds9 it just became abundantly clear to me that captain sisko is the best star trek captain and it isn't especially close. he's every bit the paragon of virtue that picard is, but he's just... more human. more present. more willing to be transparent about what he's dealing with, more willing to talk through his weakness and biases, but still willing to accept the responsibility of command.

different doesn't have to mean better or worse, but especially with the way picard's character careened off the rails & burst into flames the further we got from season 7 of tng, sisko is just indisputably the best captain. and no disrespect to patrick stewart or anyone else who's ever been in front of that camera, but i think it's reasonably likely avery brooks is the best actor that's ever been on star trek. he's just incredible.

star trek: voyager

original favorite: seven of nine

current favorite: tuvok

i still like seven a lot, but tuvok was always one of my favorite characters on the show and rewatching the show really cemented it for me.

i especially like seeing the way he talks about emotions in a genuinely emotionally healthy way. he acknowledges their power, never says they're not real or unimportant, and then talks through them. it's just brilliant.

[incalculablepower]

some fics i've liked lately

it's been a weird year. when i made this list of recs back in january i fully intended it to become a monthly thing, but life happened and then i guess it just kept happening. in early 2023 things were ramping up in my new career, i was practicing and playing a lot with my band to prepare for our first show, i was settling into dealing with depression and anxiety with medication, i was getting over a miserable breakup. then i fell in love. i lost my job (the best and most favourite job i've ever had) abruptly this past may. this is my longest period of unemployment since i was a teenager and while you think it would be the best time to lose yourself in fandom, i felt the opposite. fandom was such a lifeline to me when i had a miserable job and was in a bad relationship and needed an escape but i was very present in my own life this summer. i took my partner to visit my family and spent a lot of time with friends and played shows (and recorded some music... shameless self promo once again) and in between i watched so much star trek on my couch. this is such a long preamble to explain why i haven't been fandoming as much lately and why idk if i'll write anything again anytime soon (let's say, once i have a job i want to procrastinate at) but -- i HAVE been reading fic! not as much as before, but i have been, and there's enough for a fic rest list so that's what i'm giving you today. when times are dire [podfic] - @aibidil

drarry. i have such a soft spot for middle aged draco and harry falling in love, the relationships they have with their friends and their grown children. @aibidil reads her own podfics and it's an utter delight. i usually only listen to podfics or audiobooks when i'm doing work around the house but i can going on walks with my headphones just so i could listen to more of this one.

purple haze by @ashesandhackles

romione. i was so so honoured to see this pop up in my ao3 gifts during @thethreebroomsticksfic pride fest this year. it turns the well tread romione ground of shell cottage and the yule ball over a bit, using them as settings to explore a confusing mix of jealousy and sexuality for ron and hermione. ashes knows i love mess with these and it captures that teenage chaos wonderfully, then lets them laugh at it as secure and settled adults.

crookshanks by @ala-baguette

gen. warning that this is a tearjerker, especially if you've ever loved and lost a pet. i think the pure and simple expressions of love and gratitude from crook's pov here would be a comfort to any pet owner.

at some point this year, i got REALLY into the idea of a one-sided dramione. it's hard to look for, especially since it's such a popular ship but i managed to find a few that scratched the itch until i find the time and/or motivation to write one of my own new years eve by 2daughtersofathena, the guardian angel by mylifebelongstothebbc, and a boy of hans by elixirsoflife. the last one being my personal favourite, a grim take on the hanahaki disease trope.

every mother is a grave by witchofimber

this was recced by @whinlatter in @thethreebroomsticksfic discord (btw i feel like no one on my followers lists needs anyone to remind them to read beasts -- but please read beasts) and when i saw "gillian flynn treatment" in the tags i slammed the mark for later button. this is probably the most balanced and realistic portrayals of molly weasley and her role as a mother that i've ever read in hp fic. it's not weasley family fluff but it doesn't devolve into something so flat as bashing either. molly is regular mother with flaws and strengths like anyone else and how they amplify and shift with love and grief and pain and stress and duty and pressure. every single relationship she has with her children is uniquely expressed and the way it ties the past to the direct aftermath of the war is so well done and a great way to organize this giant, messy family. particular care here went into fred and george, giving them their own identities in a way that can be difficult, given the source material. a favourite line:

“Probably have tried to make us name the twins after them.” He stopped laughing, sucked in a breath. “Do you want to?”  For a second she considered it. It would be wonderful, getting to use those names again like living things. But -  “No,” she said. “I - if they were alive, I’d have said no, so I’m saying it now. Let the boys be their own people.”  The truth was that she didn’t want to lose her brothers. To have their faces erased in her memory, painted over with her sons. To have to say no, not THAT Fab, I mean UNCLE Fab - he died before you were born. Anyway, she liked the names Fred and George. It was easier like this. 

the scrunchie by @saintsenara

another fic i've meant to read for ages and finally got around to just yesterday. the background drama of these side characters as a cheap scrunchie from boots floats around them is so perfectly teenage. reminds me of the other series i loved as a teenager around the time HP was coming out: georgia nicolson and gossip girl. i could also compare it to derry girls a little, how despite the environment surrounding them these girls are still being girls, arguing about stupid things and getting crushes on boys and having the absolute most ridiculous blowout fights with your sister (parvati and padma's portrayal here is probably my favourite i've ever read!)

i also can't leave without reccing @saintsenara's wip, one year in every ten. i can't get enough of a good case fic. tomarry/harrymort (both versions of this ship, oddly, apply to this fic) is not something i've ever sought out but i really think the way it's handled here could win over any non-believer. it's sharp and funny in a way that makes it turns into poignancy hit even harder. i screenshotted two full phone screen pages of chapter 27 so i could go back and read them over and over. it might be one of the best things i've ever read from ron's POV (emphasis mine):

It had been a long ten years, with a chair at their table always left empty and a hole in their hearts always unfilled. Grief was exhausting and boring and dully painful, like a slightly sprained ankle which you can still walk on, but which always bothers you a little bit.  But there had been love among the grief. There had been love before the grief - indeed love had caused the grief - and there had been love after. His love for his parents and his siblings had changed, the way wine left in a barrel changes and becomes richer and deeper. There was more sorrow in the love, as he threw a quaffle around with George and saw the tired lines at the corner of his eyes. There was more recrimination, more struggle with the mistakes they had all made in the past, as he finally sat down and had a real chat with mum and dad about how a lifetime of corned-beef sandwiches and maroon jumpers had made him feel. But there was more joy there too. And with joy came forgiveness and understanding and hope and fun.

image used is wildflowers (1915) by tom thomson

[frommybookbook]

Heist Movies and the Hays Code

The other night, some friends and I watched the incredible Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode "Badda Bing, Badda Bang", which is a loving pastiche of the heist film. As we were watching, we all noticed how old the actor playing the character of Mr. Zeemo was and I knew there had to be an Easter egg reason for it. After looking him up, I realized he was Marc Lawrence, who appeared in The Asphalt Jungle (1950), largely considered to be the first true heist film (though there are a couple from the 40s, that I've also seen, that are sort of proto-heists).

I decided to watch Asphalt this weekend, since I'd never seen it and it'd been sitting in my queue for ages. It was fine, definitely a first pancake situation, but now I can't stop thinking about the evolution of the heist film and the way the Hays Code shaped its early days and how it was allowed to shift and evolved after the code was lifted.

The earliest heist films were made under the Code. And not only under the Code, but at the Code's peak in the late '40s/early '50s. You watch these movies and you know from the very beginning that no one in our gang of misfits is going to succeed. The rules of the Code and its insistence that crime and depravity and bad morals can't pay means all of them will either be dead or in jail by the time the closing credits role. It doesn't matter how much we love our protagonists, it doesn't matter what their motivations are for participating in the heist, they are criminals and they must pay. They'll never see a dime of their money and all their efforts will be in vain.

Contrast this with the modern heist movie: the lovable rogues always beat the house. George Clooney and Brad Pitt and their buddies walk away with their millions. Sisko and his crew trick Frankie Eyes and save Vic's. Jason Statham in every Jason Statham movie gets his cash and lives to steal another day.

A lot of what I've read about the evolution of the heist movie and the role the Code plays in it focuses on the fact that once the code was lifted, these movies became more violent and graphic and leaned hard into that. And I'm sure that's true, but that was true of all movies. The 70s and the 80s in particular really exemplify the shock value of violence and sex in a post-Code Hollywood. But nothing I've seen talks about how the dissolution of the Code changed how audiences are allowed to see the thieves in a heist movie. Without the draconian constraints of the Code, we're allowed to root for the thieves, to be on their side, and to see them "win" in the end and make off with their bounty.

Even in the rare modern heist where the hero protagonist doesn't win—he (because it's almost always a he) doesn't get the money or he does get caught and goes to jail—it's always inferred that this is just a temporary setback. Next time, he'll be smarter and better and he'll win. He's alive and prison is just a small blip on the timeline, he'll be back (probably in 17 sequels) and the next time he'll do the job to beat all jobs. Heist movies of the Code era rarely see the thieves end the movie alive and when they do, they're behind bars with no hope of release or escape. The message that crime doesn't pay is never in question.

Yes, violence and sex have become more prevalent in heist movies in the post-Code era, but I think the greatest change the freedom of production without the Code brought to heist movies is that now, the house can lose.

[guppygiggles]

Hey friend!

Maybe this has been asked before, but was Avery inspired by anyone? ( ·ิϖ·ิ)

I don't think anyone has ever asked me this on this blog! Honestly, I've tried many times to nail down exactly what inspired Avery, but... I never can, not completely.

This is going to get long, I'm sorry.

I turned 30 last year. It wasn't in a "midlife crisis" or depressive kind of way, but I started thinking a lot about how I wanted the rest of my life to go, and what I wanted out of life that I'd never had a chance to have. I decided that there were two things I really yearned to do -- make art, and make friends. I figured a good place to start dipping my toes in would be Tumblr, since I'd used it in the past and I knew there would be a lot of art here to inspire me. And I was inspired... massively. Especially after I started actually drawing, myself. I started getting more ideas at once than I'd ever had in my life, and it triggered a bout of insomnia I am still dealing with now, almost six months later.

The first time I can remember thinking about Avery was during one such sleepless night, desperately trying to coax myself to sleep. Laying in the dark, I'd close my eyes and imagine leaving my body, floating above my apartment complex. I'd wander around like a ghost, exploring places I'd seen, but which are normally inaccessible... private roads, fenced estates, etc. I'd imagine sitting on the edge of a skyscraper, watching the city move beneath me, imagining what people were doing, why they were up so late, etc.

I imagined this many nights... It became a pet fantasy. When I was a kid, I read a book called Billy the Bird by Dick King-Smith, maybe that's where I got the idea... I don't know. Along with the insomnia were vicious bouts of nostalgia, too, so... It's possible.

But, anyway... I'd get lonely.

I wanted someone to talk to, so I imagined someone sitting with me. Someone who could only come out at night, for fear of being seen. Someone for whom sitting on the edge of a skyscraper was no concern, and who could catch me if I fell. I imagined he was soft, gentle... a good listener, maybe even a bit shy. I imagined he was an intellectual, capable of being quite serious, but never dour. He was quick with a smile, and it was easy to make him laugh.

In some respects, I suppose, he was inspired by a friend of mine, who died many years ago. In most ways, he wasn't like Avery at all -- he was extremely blue-collar, the exact opposite of an intellectual, and very outgoing. He was not refined in any way, and could even be quite reckless, at times. But, he had a unique, gentle, innocent sort of kindness that I've found to be exceedingly rare. To know him was to love him, really; he was a hard worker and a fierce friend, someone who wanted nothing more than to love and be loved. My relationship with him and the way his passing affected me touches everything I make and everything I do, intentional or not.

When I was building Avery's character, I was very fascinated by object heads at the time (particularly Prince Robot from Saga), and I was also seeing a lot art for "doctor/scientist" type characters. Despite never playing the game, I liked TF2 fanart, especially of Medic. I thought about other characters I'd fixated on, too, and what exactly I liked about them... Milo Thatch from Atlantis, Data from Star Trek, John from Homestuck, Sans from Undertale, Stanley and the Narrator from The Stanley Parable, Pokemon professors both Oak and Elm, Nightcrawler from X-Men, Wilson from House, Dr. Bashir from DS9... The list goes on, really.

I know this is kind of a non-answer, and I'm sorry about that. It isn't really a clear answer for me, either. All I can really say for sure is this: Avery is the embodiment of everyone and everything I've ever loved, as well as the reflection of my own self-love. Relatively speaking, we just met, but I feel like he's been here the whole time. I've made so many wonderful friends because of him, too! Can't say what the exact moment was, only that now that he's here, I can't imagine life without him. 💙

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a halloween party

~ 10pm, sunday, oct 29, 2023

if i listen really closely i can hear the quiet snoozy breathing of the sweet black cat who now lives in my room! oh, now she is purring.

(contains minor mention of the study of death/dead bodies, but also cat pictures, classical music, and minor spoilers for the end of the most recent season of star trek: strange new worlds)

reading more victoria goddard (blackcurrant fool is somehow *even* *more* for medievalist academics, they visit fantasy university and then the main character saves the day through the power of his dissertation research for crying out loud), some assorted libby holds from jenny odell and amitav ghosh, some kj charles inspired by the medieval mlm romance i finished a few weeks ago (which was great but i was so taken with the idea of posting a whole historical assessment that i scared myself out of talking about it, so maybe next time).

but the book that's been the biggest presence in my life lately has been the audio book version of mary roach's stiff: the curious lives of human cadavers, which i picked up because it had a little Moment back when it came out and i remember thinking that an approachable, sympathetic look at this kind of medical history would be fascinating. and it is! it is just as full of interesting information and humorous, humanizing turns of phrase as you'd like! roach doesn't hesitate to ask, like, intense questions of the people she interviews, nor does she ignore or downplay various gruesome topics, but the audiobook narrator has a hint of a southern accent and gets the mix of tones of voice (from ironic to earnest and back) really nicely. and also, sometimes i'm glad i'm listening to it as an audio book so i don't have to consciously continue turning pages, it'll keep playing even if i stop listening or need to disengage, because there's no shortage of actually quite challenging material. not for the faint of heart, but also, i can't regret reading it.

watching the new season of ghosts from the bbc! the second season of ofmd of course, both because it was fun and because i had to out of self-defense; uhhhh what else this month has been so long and also so fast! the musical episode of strange new worlds which was GREAT. how good were some of those songs!! like on their own, i would listen to nyota and christine and la'an's songs-- reminded me of the mix CD a friend made me for a birthday one year that mixed, like, barenaked ladies with some songs from the buffy musical episode. then the finale of this season which (minor spoilers here) i found actually so compelling, like, i've been mildly ehh about a lot of the gorn stuff (not la'an, but the concept of the gorn always feels very old-school scifi and the more serious they try to play it, the worse that effect usually) but then the monster design and movement when they finally appear on screen? excellent.

though to be entirely honest, the thing i've come back to and watched/listened to most consistently has been the new series of dimension 20, burrow's end. i managed to tune in as a campaign was starting, and actually more or less keep up! huge for me. the bear in ep 2 was all-to-close to some of the body horror i'd just been reading about with stiff, so this month has been 'so you'd like to get better about dealing with body horror?' for me in a way. unintentionally. i think i am appreciating this series more than i would have if i hadn't read and enjoyed watership down a few years back, but the added edge of, like, for-real magic from the d&d elements makes it even more fun. i love the new (to me) players, i love seeing the old ones in their new roles, i love that while the conceit seems to be 'humans are like eldritch horrors to woodland creatures' on the surface, there's also clearly something (or things?) else going on.

listening checking in on my spotify daylist lately to see what moods i've been assigned (soul-crushing once, which was wild to see as a genre, but goblincore also so. whatever i guess!) paper writing lockdown included more autoheart, more yws gwynedd, and like a 24-hour lockdown on @lessthansix's 'deferring panic' playlist, from which i share the following track as a thank-you:

playing tuned into dnd as a virtual player tonight so that i could stay home and supervise the NEW BABY aka this little (large) black dumpling of a cat who i cannot quite believe is my very own. playing such classics as 'ribbon on a string' and 'this is a ball that makes food come out when you play with it, ooooooh' and 'i hope my eyes feel normal again after i stop putting my face directly on you so much and i have not somehow developed an allergy to cat dander in the six weeks since we last had a cat come visit'. playing the classic game, 'so you think you can be responsible for another life form! and are you willing to risk an increase in your experience for loss in order to gain an increase in your experience of love?' (also while we're here: why is naming the hardest part of any endeavor. naming wifi networks, naming pokemon, and now this, a real live creature! who i want to treat with love and also humor, while showing wit and personality at the same time. hell.)

making fixed up a sweater my housemate was going to get rid of. i am not, habitually, a fibercrafter (though not for want of opportunity or, even, interest sometimes), but this made me want to find other easy and quick things to do with yarn.

before: big fuck off hole between the cowl and neck line

after: used some yarn of a similar weight /softness that i already had, so it doesn't match but it's not like you see it. hidden little necklace of pearls.

working on writing a paper for my first ever 30-min conference presentation, which is also going to be the first time i submit a paper ahead of time for someone (a professor i do not usually work with, but whose work and career and writing i admire) to read and give real comments on. this is fine. i am simultaneously trying to use this as an opportunity to squish an entire chapter's worth of notes and observations and ideas into a single presentation, and trying to not do that. but i want her take on all of it! i also...do need to write all of it. but getting a chance to slow down and take a bit of extra time with it was also very welcome. gave a guest lecture this week on a subject only vaguely related to my own work, which required a lot of extra reading (not even to know what to say, but just to be confident that i wasn't missing anything massive), and also did organize my department's halloween party, so. it's been a busy last ten days, and i'm excited to wrap some of this up.

bonus: cat pictures! thank you for reading this far, i think we will be going with luna? her grace, lunette st. cat, first marquise of dumplingdom. something.

[varjopeura]

Get to know me Tag Game!

tagged by @parad0xymoron

Last song played: Stop Thinking So Much by Lenka, or if we count dnd session background music then Muspelheim (Overworld) from Minecraft Norse Mythology soundtrack (which. I didn't know was a thing! But somehow I have added this song to my dnd ambience playlist nonetheless. Wow)

Favorite color: No, there are so many good ones to choose from! I always love a good vibrant purple, or teal. Or orange! Or… all of them, really. Colors are good.

Favorite dish: Oof, this one's even harder to answer! I love a good indian curry, you can have so much variety in what you throw in there and the spices just make everything delicious. Or maybe a nice creamy soup with potatoes or mushrooms (or both!) in it.

Current Favorite characters: …..am i allowed to,,,, am i allowed to say it's all my friends' tabletop and roleplay blorbos?? <- I'll just keep this from the previous poster because Y E A H for real, all my friends' ocs are my biggest faves at the moment. Though I have been getting some very nice blorbo feelings out of I Was A Teenage Exocolonist, Sym and Dys and Tang are currently occupying more of my brain space than I thought possible for characters from any pre-written media these days.

Currently watching: Not that much at the moment, actually! We've been watching some Star Trek Deep Space Nine with the partner, and lately I've been showing him some episodes of Game Changer, too :3

Last movie I watched: Uhhhh it's been a while?? I think the latest one was The Truman Show, maybe??? (Also special mention for the short film Dracula's Ex Girlfriend, that one was a blast. That one was also the last one I watched but I don't know if short films count as movies????)

Last thing I googled: Elderflower. I wanted to find a reference for drawing one. (Horrible. Too many tiny lil flowers. I think I need a LOT of practice before I can comfortably draw recognizable plants, most of their shapes are very hard for my eyes to catch for some reason.)

Current obsession: I don't know if it'll reach obsession-level fascination for me (this is all very new to me), but I've been feeling very very inspired with various fiber crafts lately! Knitting and sewing and mending my clothes, I don't yet have the skill level to do anything super interesting, but it's so much fun to have something to do with my hands and learn new things and try different stiches and techniques. Definitely having a very good time with my projects at the moment. :3

Tagging for fun (no pressure!): @pajulintu @magicallyimprobable @masturbatress @diogeneticist

[lemotmo]

20 Questions for fic writers

Tagged by @warpedpuppeteer. Thank you for the tag and the challenge! :)

1-How many works do you have on ao3?

- 36 works in total. 6 for my current fav ship: Buddie

2-What’s your total Ao3 word count?

- 332,354 words written.

3-What fandoms do you write for?

These days only for 911, Buddie fics. But I used to write for SGA (McShep), Without a Trace (Danny/Martin) and The West Wing (Josh/Donna).

4-Top 5 fics by kudos?

All of them Buddie fics! :)

Three years (180 kudos)

Too Little Too Late (226 kudos)

To Boldly Go (256 kudos)

The Comfort of a Home (408 kudos)

Stuck (on you) (885 kudos)

5-Do you respond to comments?

I do, but sometimes it takes a long time to get to them. I have so little time in my daily life that it's a struggle to find time to reply. But I do get to them... in time. So be patient please if you are someone who has commented and you haven't heard back from me yet. Know that I appreciate each and every comment. I read them, but I just don't always have time to reply on the spot.

6-What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oooh, well there's four fics that come to mind here:

You Only Disappear (Without a Trace, Danny/Martin)

It ('Without a Trace' set in the 'Stargate Atlantis' universe, Danny/Martin, TW body horror)

Experiment (Stargate Atlantis, McShep, TW murder/suicide)

Buck is Here (911, Buddie, TW MCD)

7-What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Well, I have a lot of fics that end happy, but three fics come to mind here:

The Road to Nowhere (Stargate Atlantis, McShep, Cowboy AU)

The Sound of Science (Stargate Atlantis, McShep, The Sound of Music AU)

To Boldly Go (911, Buddie, Star Trek AU)

8-Do you get hate on your fics?

Not so far no. Never had any hate.

9-Do you write smut?

Well, yeah if the story asks for it. But only when it fits the narrative. I don't go into too much details though. I like to keep things 'light' and 'fluffy'. :D

10-Craziest crossover?

Well, I would say:

The Sound of Science: a fusion between 'Stargate Atlantis' and 'The Sound of Music'. XD LOL!

To Boldly Go: a fusion between 911 and Star Trek. Basically it's a Buddie story set in the Star Trek universe, but Star Trek characters don't really show up.

11-Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know off. I don't know if my writing is good enough to steal though. It's important to stay humble. :D

12-Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

13-Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, when I was in 'The West Wing' fandom (in the beginning of the 2000's) I wrote about three longer Josh/Donna fics together with a fandom friend. I have lost contact with her since, but I will never forget about her.

14-All time favorite ship?

Oh wow, it's very hard to pick one, because all of my ships hold a special place in my heart.

Josh/Donna from 'The West Wing' was my first online ship. I made fanart, wrote fanfic, met great people. In those days fandom was mostly found on the Yahoo-groups. They eventually went canon in season 7, but I had moved on from the show by then because of how bad the writing got in later seasons. So, I missed the big reveal as they went canon. I'll never not regret it.

Danny/Martin from 'Without a Trace' was a magical ship. My second online ship. I met so many great fellow fans and friends back then. We even met up in Rome and London with a whole bunch of us. Great times on LiveJournal as well.

McShep from 'Stargate Atlantis' was my most prolific ship. I wrote so much fic and made oodles of fanart for those men. Those were the heydays of LiveJournal fandom.

Buddie in '911' is so special to me. I've been in this fandom since season 1, online since season 2. I have met so many great people in this fandom. The best thing of all is that this is the first ship that actually has a great chance of going canon, while I'm still actively watching and enjoying the show. YAY!

15-What’s a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I have this dystopian Without a Trace fic half written in my documents. It has been sitting there for years now. It has the possibility of being so great, but I don't have the will to finish it anymore, because the fandom is mostly non-existant these days. Maybe I'll turn it into an original work of fiction one day. Who knows?

16-What are your writing strengths?

Writing dialogue. I actually hear the characters talking in my head. I just write down what they are saying and it always works out.

17-What are your writing weaknesses?

Finding the time to write! But mostly the grammar, especially the tenses. As a non-native speaker it is a struggle to keep on writing in the correct tense and it's very difficult sometimes to know when to switich to another tense if it's appropriate. It's highly frustrating. I reread and edit my stories up to 10 times sometimes to catch all the grammatical errors. And even then there are still a few that I miss.

18-Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

For some reason I can't read/write non-English fics. I hate fics in my own language. Since the shows I love are English speaking shows, I need to read/write English fics.

19-First fandom you wrote in?

The West Wing.

20-Favorite fic you’ve written?

That's a hard question, because they are all my babies. I can definitely see that my writing has improved over the years though. So I tend to like my last works better than my first works, even when I do still appreciate them for what they are.

I guess the fic I'm most proud of writing is 'To Boldly Go'. It took blood, sweat and a lot of tears, but I got through all 16 chapters in the end. It took a couple of years to finish though. :D

Tagging: I'm not tagging anyone in particular. Anyone who sees this, feel free to do it for yourself. Tag me so that I can read it. 🫶🏽

[thebreakfastgenie]

Tagged by @hondagirll to list 10 comfort shows and tag 10 people. I don't usually refer to shows as "comfort shows" but I do watch TV as a response to stress so I can do this!

The West Wing - When my mental health is really low, this is where I go. Usually Noel.

M*A*S*H - I'm not actually including this because it's my current fandom, but late summer 2021 I was experiencing a lot of fatigue and did nothing but watch M*A*S*H for a while so it's earned a spot.

Leverage - honestly I haven't rewatched in a while but it was so important to me in high school.

E.R. - my current intermittent stress binge. I'm almost through season 12.

Grey's Anatomy (classic seasons only) - it's been a while but I'm sure it will happen again someday, I just get in these moods. One time I started taking birth control with a higher dose of estrogen and I immediately wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy and I kinda believed in bioessentialism for a minute.

NCIS - this is an ex comfort show. I hate NCIS now. But it was deeply important to me in a way I cannot explain between the ages of 13 and 15.

House - one of the first "grown up" shows I was into. I can only rewatch House every few years because I'm actually into the cases and I need to forget enough details for it to be fun again. I wish there was another diagnostic procedural show out there.

Law and Order: Special Victims Unit - I've never seen most of this show but sometimes an episode from the batshit era is exactly what I need. Plus I grew up watching USA network, so.

The Newsroom - Sometimes I just need to watch Will McAvoy be crazy.

Star Trek: The Original Series - this show is so campy and silly.

Tagging: @onekisstotakewithme @persianflaw @youngpettyqueen @orangefarmcat @movietonight @blue-ravens @majorbaby @deraingedhawkeye @fullcirclecrazy @saltyfilmmajor

[thegeminisage]

star trek update time!! last night we watched tng's "rightful heir" and ds9's "the forsaken."

rightful heir (tng):

they were high when they wrote this one. like worf on whatever he was on to try and make him hallucinate

what's really funny about this one is that we were both just complaining that, even though we both like worf, we found the klingon episodes a little rough/dry. and then what do they do. they have worf hallucinate clone jesus

actually, i was really surprised picard laid into him so hard for being late to work. i know it was a tough-love kind of deal bc toughness "speaks" to worf or whatever and it was supposed to seem "nice" because he let worf go on a little field trip afterward but also like. who yells.

i did like that they referenced the klingon prison camp episode. girl i'd still be feeling that one too

clone jesus as a plot is really insane. like, it's already insane that everybody bought into it and GOWRAN of all people was the one to be like "you chumps are getting snowed." but then he's just a CLONE? they grew jesus in a vat somewhere? in a little test tube? and then they crowned him emperor??

no, scratch that, worf threatened to KILL people if they DIDN'T crown him emperor even though he was just going to be a figurehead because this is somehow supposed to fix the amoral klingons who have fallen into decadence. horrific.

side note. s6 has had a LOT of single-character episodes. we had some picard centric eps some worf centric eps a deanna centric ep and a beverly centric ep...when do we get the fucking gang back together? i feel like i never see them all at once anymore. like don't get me wrong i loved beverly's little romp and i feel like this way allows slightly more of the character work i have been craving but the format change is so weird. can we not have a little character work without singling out one character at a time? pretty please?

the forsaken (ds9):

i am sighing the deepest longest sigh i have ever sighed. my mixed feelings...

ok, to start with, i hate when tng characters show up in ds9. it's like they bring the bad vibes with them. BUT this is the least i've ever hated lwaxana.

i think the version of lwaxana as presented IN THIS EPISODE ONLY is very nearly a likable character. unfortunately, i have context for her

the flirting has actually grown on me. like, when she's doing it harmlessly. y'all know isabela from da2? like that. what i have a problem with is her being so touchy-feely - leaning into peoples space or trying to snuggle up with them or take them by the arm. the flirting IN AND OF ITSELF is actually kind of cute/sweet if you divorce it from the context of a horrifically overbearing mother and a woman who is narcissistic and can't take no for an answer. "i can swim" like ok girl i admit you have game. i just wish she would do less TOUCHING.

ok, on to odo, the real star of this episode. odo my new best friend odo

i actually think trapping him in an elevator to force him to turn into goop in front of someone else is a VERY clever premise. and at first i really wished it hadn't been with lwaxana but the more i thought about it the more i realized no one else on ds9 would do. in order for it to work it would have to be both someone who is a little pushy/loud/not totally respectful of his private nature AND someone who could offer a similar vulnerability ie taking off the wig. anyone who's too tactful/respectful of odo/a grownup in general like sisko, kira, dax, obrien, etc would simply turn around and leave him be. anyone who's NOT respectful or a grownup in general (i'm thinking specifically of quark, but julian could probably also work for this) doesn't have a metaphorical wig to take off. like, it would have been great ship material for him to be in there with quark or kira (i know about odo/kira bc i got spoiled, i am a little skeptical but VERY intrigued), but neither of them would have had the same vibe. so i am forced to conclude against my will that lwaxana was the right choice after all.

unfortunately a stranger is also easier to tell crazy shit to...and i looooooved learning crazy shit about odo's past, by which i mean i gasped aloud and covered my mouth with both hands in horror. HE SPENT HIS CHILDHOOD IN A LAB EXCEPT HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A CHILDHOOD!!! he doesn't EAT. his mouth is an approximation of one, it doesn't actually work!!! lwaxana, do you know then what else must be a nonfunctional approximation? actually, maybe he doesn't even have any of that going on. maybe he's smooth like a ken doll and that's why he keeps expressing disinterest in sex/romance, or because he has disinterest in sex/romance he never bothered to figure out how to replicate a working set of equipment. anyway the point is i know my king is somewhere on the aro and/or ace spectrum i just have to get to know him better to figure out where

in conclusion, yes it had to be lwaxana, NO i'm not happy about it, but i could have been if she was just less touchy. also, side bar, i don't like that she brought up the ferengi rape episode like it was haha funny. girl it wasn't funny to you at the time and it was definitely not funny to ME

TONGIHT: tng's "second chances" (this one looks good...i'm so hopeful) and ds9's "dramatis personae" (i haven't seen a summary or thumbs for this one but i trust ds9)