#I've been so tired today though
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Orym (any pronoun) warm up after only sleeping 3-4h today.
Background and inside of the robe are taken covers from The Sandman, since this character was heavily inspired on those comics
#druid#dnd#dungeons and dragons#d&d#circle of dreams#i barely had anything done besides this and feel guilty#but if I don't do a warm up first the comms will actually take longer#I've been so tired today though#i got on my period the other day and i woke up in a lot of pain last night and couldn't sleep at all#my art#orym
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Goodness, what a week. =_= Coming up with a concept on the spot and assuming that I could remotely finish it on time was wishful thinking. Looks like I won't have a chance to draw the Christmas themed idea I had in mind, unfortunately. 🥲😮💨
#I've been insanely busy and have learned about a few change of plans today on top of that 🙇♀️#RIP#Not having my tablet or more than an hour of spare time to myself is exhausting#Christmas time has beaten me to a pulp this year#I'm SO tired it's ridiculous 😭#The good news though? I should be able to share two pieces between the 26th and 31th 🙏#That'll make up for it!#Plus I might have just found a way to integrate my previous idea to a future piece#So... there's that at least 😅#I expect the last week of december to go a bit more smoothly#Or at least I hope so 🥺#Wishing rest to everyone else who needs it atm 😴💫
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#mine#doctor who#dwedit#jodie whittaker#jo martin#can't believe it's been 3 years since this episode already!!!!#give me all the fugitive doc big finish stuff now pleaseeee#hello friends this week has been SO TIRING#yesterday was the most tiring day i've had with this class so far#today was much better though thankfully#people at work were like 'what are your weekend plans???'#and i'm just like 'i'm a very big fan of doing absolutely nothing'#ESPECIALLY after this week lmao.......#anyways i hope you've all been well!!!
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.
Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3
#personal#i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week#i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here#but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting#i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday#where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get#after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks#but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that#what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed#so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try#because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times#which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even#so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call#from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today#and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out#'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out#because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own#i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still#but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously#so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me#i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but#at least i'd know#anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing#sorry
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Did some retrieves at the cabin yesterday
#We've been sloppy recently but he still delivered to hand very nicely#we were both so tired when we got home yesterday that we went to bed at like 8#insomnia has been kicking my ass again so i've been running on like three hours of sleep#gonna try to get that big piece i'm working on all rendered today though while i've got energy to spare#and while puppy is happy to nap
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Today was a good day :)
#Today three strangers were kind to me in three different occasions. It was such a nice coincidence :)#I've been working on Akutagawa's birthday the entire week and today Akutagawa posts were all over my dash. I'm so happy!#I managed to do all the edits I had set up to and I'm glad :)#I dressed rigorously black and white and wore the black striped pants I bought because they reminded me of Beast Akutagawa's outfit#I did my nails black and red!!#My mother called me to congratulate on Akutagawa's birthday#I even baked a cake with a friend and they were so sweet /////#I'm so grateful they managed to make time for it even though they've been so busy and tired because of their job#More than everything I'm grateful they weren't weird about it#They found it a little silly but they never made fun of me. They helped me pick the cake.#And today they even told me that they looked up a video of the character to understand me better#Which TERRIFIES me because no way anyone could get a good impression of Akutagawa from a single video#But if we ignore that it was an unbelievably nice gesture :')#It's just such a foreign feeling because outside of my blog I NEVER talk about my hyperfixations irl.#Because when I used to when I was younger I was only met with scorn or mockery so ever since I started university I simply learnt not to?#And it's just so genuinely weird to talk with someone irl who wouldn't judge me for it–#and not really in the good way because part of me is still convinced that they *are* judging me for it.#Doesn't matter everything suggests the contrary. And I keep overthinking if I overshared about Akutagawa or if I said something dumb#But I'm trying it not to get to me. Today they've been nothing but nice through and through#Whatnot. The last months were very tough for some reason I'm just happy good things can still happen :)#I want to start the queue again now that I'm generally more free and done with Aktgw's birthday and everything.#I also have new exams the first days of April and the program is pretty heavy and wide. On top of following courses. I'll see what I can d#I'd like to start regularly posting again because I'm afraid if I don't I'll just sulk further in misery. We'll see.#Ah I need to catch up with the dash since I've basically not been on Tumblr for three days...#That's it just rambling. I hope everyone's days are nice too!!!#random rambles
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(cw vent, sorry it's just been A Couple Of Days)
Not really having many irl friends comes at the price of feeling so terribly lonely, I feel like I have no one to talk to because I'm not close to enough people, or maybe I am and I just haven't talked to them in a while and I don't want this to be our first conversation qwq
I'm honestly just. Tired, tbh qwq
#I mostly talk to my partner#But they've been more absent lately and like they have their own life#But the second they're gone I realize I don't talk to anyone that much#I used to have someone else I spoke to daily; it was an awful friendship though and it took a lot of struggle to end it#But god; just qwq; I'm so tired of everything qwq#Honestly I'm disappointed in how upset it makes me that my partner is more absent because I know it's bc they've found a game they're into#And have been playing non-stop#They'll come telling me that they've done this and that and I'll be struggling HARD and will try to mention it at some point but#But like I wanna leave them their space to be excited but I just#Look. Look the NPD is getting to me; and I know these are not kind or fair feelings but#But I hate it here; I don't care about their game; I don't care about what they've done;#All my brain focuses on is that I've had a shitty fucking day and everything's gone wrong and they weren't here#Because they were fucking playing#And I know that's not fair for MANY reasons and that voicing all that would make me a massive asshole#And that at its core; it's more of a matter of never going anywhere; not having people to hang out with;#Not leaving my house nor talking to that many people#I feel so lonely and so fucking hollow qwq#My bag got taken away and I feel like I've lost an intrinsic part of myself#And to top it all off; I had today's exam and the project I'm doing#And my dad screaming and my period coming and all the things I have to do and how much I yearn for friends#Yet when I'm with my friends I can't wait to be alone#Man; just#I didn't wanna go this far; and I only say it here because no one's really gonna read it;#But I genuinely just wanna kill myself at this point#There's no point nor reason#I'm trying hard to enjoy life but nothing goes my way#I have so many things I want to do and nothing fucking goes my way#I'm so tired; I just want to go to sleep and not wake up; it's gnawing and clawing and it's such an ugly feeling qwq#I feel like if I cut myself I'd be even more pathetic; I wouldn't even be met with sympathy; just. Disappointment#It's been a while since I last self-harmed in a way that was visible
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#i think getting nearly firecracker-bombed the other evening affected me more than i realized at the time#because this has been by far the worst new year's ever for me#in the past i was never more than mildly annoyed by it and even enjoyed the midnight fireworks climax#but i think i might have actually gotten a bit traumatized by that experience two days ago#and hadn't acknowledged it to myself / processed it. as today/tonight has demonstrated#it's past 3 a.m. now and i'm still crying too hard to sleep#and my whole body has been shaky for the past... 10 hours. or so.#even though the fireworks at midnight weren't really that bad at all#not even close to being as terrifying as the three explosions earlier this evening#which in their turn were easily outdone by the street explosion on saturday night that deafened me#i think i may be having a legit delayed trauma response to that now#re-triggered every time a firework goes off near me#i've never been someone who feels much fear#i feel stress and anger and discomfort and i worry and overthink sometimes#i've done a lot of things in my life while thinking 'well. this might be about to kill me. but we all die someday'#and never till this weekend did i feel terror on this level#(a technically unjustified terror too. bc inside my flat i'm almost 100% safe. so that again suggests a trauma response)#i don't think i've ever cried from sheer fear for my safety before#and every post i see saying 'happy new year' makes me feel sick bc it reminds me of this horrible weekend#it's wild how my lifelong feelings about fireworks could change so completely in the course of just three days#for the first time in my life i feel the need for one of those drugs that blunts your emotions and helps relax you#what is that... xanax or something like that? how do you get it? do you need a prescription?#i feel like a doctor would just scoff if i told them that NYE fireworks traumatized me so bad i need medication now#i've been trembling for hours. i'm so tired. i wish i could sleep#*three days ago
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Merry Christmas, tumblr people! You're a nice bunch, I love you all 🌠
#random#personal#my shitty English#I've been so tired though. between my baseball team not going to the playoffs 💔 and the fact that we usually do A LOT of stuff before xmas#I'm really really tired. all I did today was sleep. but yay that's nice#I hope you had a nice day with your people or alone if that's your case. my beeeeeeeeeeeest wishes to all of you#and for those who don't celebrate christmas. then happy holidays!
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sits here. my mood has been swinging back and forth like a pendulum lately
#i still can't bring myself to make anything art-wise. and it is ripping me to shreds internally#i have no motovation whatsoever and i'm feeling disgusted by my creations. like that's the best you could do huh mixer?#i dunno. trying to keep calm. i'm going to my uncle's tomorrow to puppysit for 3 days#i'm happy that i'll see puppy but being out of my house will be stressful.#plus i've still got work to go to...#and i need to do the laundry and take out the trash and stop buying uber eats and forward my snap benefits email and.#and later today after high school lets out i'm going to talk with an old teacher i had#i need to change my bedding too..#i at least took a shower yesterday#i think my ptsd has been acting up in the background or something#my other uncle tries to tell me to let go of the past. but i don't want to. my past has forever impacted the way i'll be for the rest of-#-my life yk? and my 'past' wasn't even that long ago. it was 2/3 years ago. and my brother's still with that awful man#i can't pull him away from him.#i just wanna sleep. might take a sleep med early just to take a nap#i've been hating everything i make so like. why even try yk.#i drew one thing while i was hospitalized- a tiny sane jack head#i dunno. i dunno. i feel so empty. my depression's been super bad. i don't enjoy things that once made me happy#i feel so aimless. i'm thinking about going to college but i have to see what scholarships would be available because i can't work this job#WHILE in school. it'd wear me to the bone#i don't want to quit my job though. i like my job. i like my boss and my coworkers..#i dunno. idfk what's wrong with me anymore. i just want the pain to stop man.#i dunno what i want to do with myself but i feel like a. fuck it ik it's from firework but i feel like a plastic bag in the wind#i'm so tired. i miss my mom. i miss my sister. i miss my brother.#vent#delete later
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Happy Trapper Tuesday everybody!!!
(Reference + closeups under the cut)
#mash#m*a*s*h#mash 4077#Trapper Tuesday#trapper john mcintyre#hawkeye pierce#my art#traditional art#Putting less effort into the eyes really helped me out#I don't know why Hawkeye looks evil though#And looking back his hand is kind of wonky but I'm ignoring that. I'm really happy with this#This seems like a different style than my usual art and I don't think I can recreate it#but it might be the fact that I was working in a sketchbook twice the size#Sorry about the lack of detail on Trappers chest. That was just not working out#Today truly is a happy Trapper Tuesday for me because I'm so genuinely pleased with how this drawing turned out!#I started out really frustrated because I've been utterly tired and thought I wouldn't be able to recreate the reference image#but after a lot of sketching and erasing this finally started to take form!#I haven't had a lot of time to draw recently and when I do sit down to drawI'm never happy with what I make#but I really like this drawing and I hope you all enjoy it as well!
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ooooh i woke up in a bad mood and it's so hard not to be a bitch about it
#i don't want to ruin the mood for my family so i'm just laying in my bed and think about everything that pisses me off#and i'm getting more and more mad about it#come to think of it it's kinda funny but also really frustrating#i probably just need to cry because i've been extremely tired and stressed for the past week#but i don't want to make myself sad on purpose so now i'm really angry over literally nothing lol#for example today i saw my colleague and turns out she knows my father#and she was like 'oh your dad really misses you!! he mentions you all the time!!' and i was like '....really?.....'#because i thought he didn't care at all (and the feeling is kinda mutual)#because call me crazy if you want but if i miss someone i just go talk to them.... problem solved........#we barely talk but apparently he's yapping abt me all the time to everyone so everyone thinks that he's oh such a loving and caring dad#which makes me look like a bitch of a daughter#which is like#on one hand i couldn't care less#but on the other#why would you talk about missing me to other people and bever bother to try and talk to me yourself??#though i probably dodged a bullet#talking to him is extremely hard because he's incredibly stuffy? boring? english doesn't have enough words for that#and i don't wanna listen to him talking about himself for 2 hours straight without having a chance to interrupt him 🤩🤩🤩#ooof#idk how to stop being mad i probably need to distract myself somehow#anyway there is probably a ton of mistakes here but i'm too lazy to fix them#idk i wish i could scream so loud that every bad thought in my head would disappear forever#i'm so tiredddddd
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( ooc ): As of today, I officially graduated
#( ooc )#( still have more school left though :( )#( but I'm so tired )#( I've only been suriving on 5 hours of sleep recently )#( but I finally got through graduation today )
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the thing (well, one thing anyway) about chronic pain is how you'll have a day or half a day or even just a few hours that'll get you so close to just fucking wanting to end it all right then and there because you're just so tired of being in pain and it feeling like it'll never end and never get better, and your brain feels like it's on fire and you can't remember the last time you felt even just okay, much less fine or good.
and logically you know it'll probably be alright again in time, but the effort it takes to just make it through that moment is so exhausting that it just leaves you drained.
and it's not like you want to die, you just want the pain and misery to stop, and sometimes it feels like it never will. like you're just stuck on that endlessly-looping train track through hell with no stops to get off, and nothing will help you feel even minutely better at all.
#anyway. it's been a day so far and I have not been coping well today#just more migraine madness with a mean dizziness kick to it as has happened more and more often lately#and I didn't know if I'd be able to keep my pain meds down or if I would even be able to make it to lying down in time#nor how long I could lie down for before my neck would make it all worse again#I'm better now obviously but it was touch and go and it's not been the first time I've pondered if it's at all worth it#the taking meds every day to make sure I don't end up spiralling out of control from some mood episode#the taking more meds to try and keep my migraine in check when it seems as though it's just been getting worse#and like the meds are less and less effective (when I know I have zero alternatives bc of the meds I'm already on)#and I just get so tired. and fed up with it all. and I want to be hopeful and optimistic#but what am I doing it all for you know? is all this agony worth the few good days and moments#and logically I know the answer is yes. there is a lot more good in all those days than I can recall right now#but it's so hard to remember when I can barely open my eyes. barely get up. barely walk without being in pain#so I guess I just needed to get that out. no need to worry I'm not stupid and I'm far too stubborn to give up#I just wish the world would stop and quiet down for a bit so I could have a break. an actual one for once#a day in the life of..#about this gal
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