#I've been so alienated my entire life of course I'm not going to have affective empathy for humans even if I can cognitively empathize.

[doomer-soyjack]

"It's okay to be angry, you're just human after all. ☺️"

Okay.

"Empathy is what makes you human. 🥰"

[jjsanguine]

Rules: list 10 of your comfort shows and then tag 10 people

Tagged by @bengiyo . I actually don't rewatch shows very often, or at least not the same ones every time, but here's some shows I've watched a lot of in no particular order.

Alien Biospheres. This is a YouTube series but I've watched it a lot. If you watched James Cameron's Avatar and don't care about the plot but would watch a documentary on how they designed the creatures + plants this is the webseries for you. If you like spec bio then I would also recommend Serina.

Cherry Magic. I write songs for fun and my life is too boring to be great inspiration, so most of them reference scenarios in shows I'm watching that I find funny or just stick with me for some reason. Kurosawa's personality inspired one of my best ones.

Coffee Prince. This got me into kdrama + so much of it still holds up. Like, remember how homophobic the 2000s were? That's a feat.

The King's Affection. This is like the best girl disguises as a guy kdrama since Coffee Prince, and I watched a lot of them before I figure out I was nonbinary. I was glued to my seat. My writing project @the-prince-is-not-a-woman was partially inspired by me watching this so many times.

Mortel. It's like this show was made for me. Vodun, found family, polyamorus subtext, mystery, despising someone but having noone else to turn to, trauma, comedy, banger music. It was made by Netflix though, so of course it was cancelled on a cliffhanger.

Power Rangers 2017. This film is objectively goofy but I love it so much. Billy was the first explicitly autistic character I think I saw ever, and he set my expectations for canonically autistic characters high.

Extraordinary Attorney Woo. Apart from being a good show, Attorney Woo is the only other character on my list of canonically autistic characters that I like, which is funny because both attorney Woo and Billy were played by allistic actors.

The Path. I enjoyed seasons 1 & 2 but I've rewatched season 3 many times for my baby Caleb. I talked about a pastor's son and he's like the perfect example. If the show hadn't tragically been cancelled I would have loved to see what they did with his character, because after leaving his family for his boyfriend and by extension his boyfriend's daddy's apocalypse adjacent cult (which is a positive if you can believe it) socially speaking he was essentially in the same position he started off in, minus worrying about homophobia. He could have blossomed or spiralled, who knows. That's quality side character creation. This show also inspired the list "cheating on your girlfriend with your wife" which has to be the best of my lists of niche tropes.

Triage: time travel and time loop stories can so easily swerve into being terrible when there isn't enough thought put into the time travel mechanic but when they're good they're really good.

Shelter 2007: so many of the queer films I watched as a teenager were depressing, I could have given up on ql entirely if I didn't watch this heartwarming film.

Honourable mentions:

Be My Favourite. It finished airing literally 2 months ago so it really hasn't had time to gain the status of old reliable but yeah. I've watched episode 1 probably 10 times at this point, because I would pore over the whole show waiting for the next episode. I was writing essays.

Nowhere Boys: I love forced proximity + conspirationality. It's one of the reasons I love Mortel. It's a quality teen drama.

Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Chat Noir, aka Miraculous Ladybug. This show is my Riverdale. It's ridiculous and I don't recommend it and I can't watch the english dub because I'd cringe too much so I watch it in French, but I started watching when I was like 15 so I'm locked in forever. It keeps dragging me back.

Going to try my hand at actually tagging people so,,,

@anotherlovr @writerwithoutsound @dudeyuri @irritablebovinesyndrome @gillianthecat @threezoz @sparklyeyedhimbo @respectthepetty @one-ghogh@heretherebedork

[drowninginredink]

Okay rant time. Because if you're following me, you at least tolerate my aro bullshit. I'm going to say things I really shouldn't say, at all, ever, because I am just done. You have been warned. If you're offended by it, that is your fault. I am going to mention specifics and let me be clear. No one has done anything wrong. But people do hurt me without meaning to and without doing anything that's objectively bad and I'm just tired of biting my tongue. I don't feel seen or heard, and I'm feeling like maybe if I just shout a little louder that will change. I'm probably wrong, but ignoring these feelings hasn't worked, so I've got to try something else.

I just. I'm sick of it. Sick of always starting out loving fics in the beginning, when we're in the friends portion of friends-to-lovers, and then inevitably, no matter how much I'm in love with the whole fic, it always turns romantic eventually and my affection diminishes. And sure, that doesn't make me not like it, or hate it, but now I'm looking at all these feelings I don't experience and feeling like an alien. Again. For the millionth time.

I'm sick of every fic that I see people cooing over being romantic. Especially when it's too romantic for me to even do my usual thing of reading it anyway and just trying to enjoy what I can. I'm just so sick of seeing everyone worship one particular person on here (and this is not to call them out. They have done nothing wrong. And if you're mutuals with me, I can promise you it isn't you) when they write stuff that's so romantic it sent me into a crisis because normally I do not think about how everyone else thinks so fundamentally differently to me. But I could not even comprehend these feelings they had a character experience and had to ask a friend if allos actually feel that way. It was a good fic, and it wasn't their fault because everyone has a right to write whatever they want, but it wrecked my shit and not in the good way. And just, seeing everyone talk about how that fic was great murders me because it is just proof that the entire world is not like me and does not understand me.

I'm tired of people telling me that they would never write the relationships that are the ones I want. I shouldn't say that, because everyone has a right to write whatever they want, and you all are perfectly nice people who I don't want to piss off and who are my mutuals and are my friends even, but goddamn I'm sick of pretending that it doesn't absolutely fucking kill me that you all look at the kind of relationships I want to have, and the kind of life I want to live, and you cannot put yourself in my shoes for even a thousand words. You can't comprehend living like me. Do you know how much of a slap in the face that is? That you can't even try it once? Do you know how many times I've written romantic shit? But you can't even think about living like I intend to live. For my entire fucking life. I know I shouldn't feel entitled to anyone writing anything but goddamn I'm sick of swallowing my feelings when I'm expected to empathize with romance all the time, but people can say "yeah I'd never ever write that" to my face as if that's a decent thing to say and they don't expect me to be hurt and offended. And I know I'm a dick for that because it is awful to expect anyone to write anything but... The fact that people can say that to my face and expect me to be perfectly understanding. No. Actually. It hurts.

AND THEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING I SHOULD LIKE, SHOULD LOVE, IS EXACTLY THE THING I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR PEOPLE BESIDES JUST ME TO DO... AND THEY DO AN AROMANTIC ERASURE. BECAUSE ONLY ASEXUALS EVER EXIST. GOD FORBID. DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT ACES EXCLUSIVELY INVENTED AND POPULARIZED QPRS? WELL OF COURSE THEY DID, BECAUSE EVEN IF AROMANTICS LIKE THEM TOO, THE ONLY AROMANTICS THAT EXIST ARE AROMANTIC ASEXUALS, OBVIOUSLY.

I just. I'm not going to stop doing any of what I'm doing. I still will be out here writing and reading and pushing my aro agenda. I probably should pull away from fandom if it's causing me this much grief... But to do what? Take in normal media that's also allo as fuck? Listen to all my music that's also about romance? Watch movies and TV shows with romantic subplots to ignore? Stop writing things that make me genuinely happy? Expect people to read my fics but not read anyone else's? Stick to the same 3 podcasts that used to be pretty much the only media I was taking in and maybe now I'm realizing that's because they are all very platonic in vibe?

And it also doesn't help that according to that poll this fandom is apparently 50% arospec and yet I see no one else complaining. Ever. And to be fair, I guess I didn't either before this post. I guess you all must just be biting your tongues like me. Well. For the moment I'm done. And if anyone actually read this and heard me and can relate, please do feel free to let me know I'm not alone, because I sure fucking feel it. I shouldn't feel it. I've seen the kudos numbers on my aro fics. Kudos numbers that high should prove something. But they don't apparently. Apparently I just think every one of them is an alloromantic who is glad to read about my experience for one story, but then goes back to their little lives of only thinking about romance.

I just. I'm tired of writing my own representation. I want someone else to do it too. Someone who I didn't have to ask to do it. I appreciate everyone who does encourage me or take my prompts or enthuse over my headcanons and fics but I am still very aware that I had to be the person to think of it first.

I like writing. I can't stop. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I stopped. Well, I do know. I'd go back to what I was doing before, which was mostly spending too much time playing video games on my phone. I like being creative with my time instead. I just wish I didn't feel like an outsider in my own community. I wish I didn't have to start a whole project to make space for myself. I wish I didn't feel obnoxious for talking about being aro every other word because hey, this fandom is apparently 50% aro, and all of the rest of them can shut up about it and enjoy fics like a normal person.

But how can I shut up and enjoy fics like a normal person when no matter what fandom I venture into, it's all romance and I'm not a normal person about romance at all? Some aros fucking love shipping! And I'm not even fucking romance repulsed, so I should have a better tolerance! I can deal with romance! I even like it sometimes, even if truthfully what I probably really like is the sexual and emotional connections between the characters. But it just... I guess I'm tired of tolerating it when it would be nicer if I could either like it or never read it again.

And then my friends say things like "just so you know, this fic might be too romantic for you" and I get annoyed by that, too, because I don't want to be seen as someone who can't tolerate romance like a normal adult, and because I do like a lot of things in romantic fics. They often have really good connection and sexual dynamics and emotional dynamics, even if I can't get behind the sappy stuff and that does taint it for me. I'm not just going to avoid them because then I'm missing a whole lot of good shit and there's not exactly much left when you take it all out. But then I bitch and react badly when stuff is romantic. Because apparently I can't just be fucking happy.

I don't know. We live in an alloromantic world. And I had been doing a fantastic job of really enjoying life because I just wasn't noticing that. But now I do see it. And I can't unsee it. And I wish I could. And I've been trying to vent to people, and they're nice... But I just get the feeling that none of them really feel the way I do, even when they're aro or arospec too. So I guess I decided maybe I should try shouting into tumblr instead.

And I know this post is going to bite me in the ass really hard when the people I'm ranting about read it, and I should just talk to them like an adult, but I just can't ever see those conversations ending in any way that I'm satisfied with. They end with me just having to say that I'm an asshole for being insulted by the fact that they won't write what I'd like to see. So instead I'm doing this and hoping they don't click read more. Stop being my friend for it. I don't blame you.

[antonballdeluxe]

The Eternal September's Late-Stages From A Disabled Woman's Viewpoint

But then again, was there anywhere for me to go in the first place, being, well...

While I try to stray away from mentioning it on other pages of my site, it does occasionally come up -- I am considered disabled. Not physically, mind you, this will not cover that. I have multiple mental disorders sprawling over both the sides of what one would call neurodivergancy, and the side of what is mental illness. It sucks, but I'd rather not host a pity party here over it. Neurodivergancy is a new and funny word, coming mostly from, well, the internet. There are a lot of disabled people on the internet, and if you asked me, I'd say that disabled people also are major creators on the internet, and it makes sense. For us, it's an easier way to communicate to keep it online and simple.

Or at least, it used to be. Within the last two years or so, the pandemic forcing more normal people to be online as much as we are for school and work, they've been able to explore the internet more than ever before. Niche websites no longer niche, and subcultures growing more popular as people find them. I guess this isn't neccessarily a bad thing, but I digress. Normies keep things alive and able to have money made off of them, but they also tend to dilute the subculture into being more acceptable to parade around in public. This includes places directly for disabled people (...like me) to be able to talk comfortably about the issues we have with our lives and what cards we've been dealt.

Before writing this, at a wit's end, I decided to look for one of those places on DISBOARD, which is basically just an advertising place for Discord servers. What I found was dissapointing, to say the least, and speaks more of a wider problem. A lot of the servers were for teenagers and younger, which is concerning giving how teenagers are with sharing their personal information online, and alienating because I usually don't like being around, say, anyone under the age of 15. Scrolling further -- a lot of these servers are obviously too friendly towards too obvious malingerers. Disorder fakers. This has grown expotentially since the pandemic started, and I'd say that if there was no pandemic, faking of a certain romanticizable disorder would've either stayed or died on fucking Tumblr. Now, there's entire conventions, communities, merchandise, for something actual doctors debate over if it's even real or not. A lot of the servers I saw for the disabled explicitly were aiming for this group of disorder fakers, it seemed, acting friendly, giving accomodations.

And maybe this is just me, but they all seemed too well held together. As if there was already a social line for the communinities and if I stepped out of that line, may Heaven grab my hands to save me from a screaming Hell. Every server I saw had to immedietly outline that if you didn't fit in the owner's personal Disability Discourse Opinion Box, go elsewhere. I am not good at staying within those lines, because my neurodiversity directly affects how I attend a social situation. I am often out of that line in general, hence how I ended up here in the first place. A normal person does not get this involved in small web communities, and if that bursts a bubble, I'm so sorry.

Oddly enough number two -- I found my best bet for disability support was to look the opposite way from those places aimed at it -- I've been able to find home recently in the official server for a game I've recently fallen in love with. Making a shrine-page for the game soon, of course! It's what I do. But everyone there kinda...got it. I wasn't good at being social, and it was ok, a silent approval of that. I feel welcome, loved by most, like I can actually talk and not worry about making people mad just by existing. Thank you, and if you are from that place, thank you even more.

Now, where does this tie into the idea of the Eternal September, where the people just living life on earth gain access to where only hobbyists have been? Because the entire internet seems like it's headed this way, since, well, after the pandemic started again. Remember the "Alternative" boom of Summer 2020, where teenage girls and alike suddenly wore all black and partied like it was 2006? Direct result of that. And it's only gotten worse for the underground communities I've been in since, including some breakcore artists, mobile games, looking at pretty things, and more. It's not just the youth, but the normie adults seem to be worse at blending in with the rest of the underground, which is...again, outcasts, more, and, bluntly, the disabled that spend a lot of time online because going outside is haaaard. Yeah, I know touching grass isn't that hard, and I've been doing that more and more often since this boom in subculture popularities has occured. Doing my art, my writing (like this one!), exercise, more. Getting into stuff I haven't cared about in years.

I'd also like to mention that this is why you just can't seem to ever escape politics online anymore. You used to, but you can't now, because the radicalized have spread, and so have the normies, the shitlibs, the 40 year old Facebook dads with their...y'know what I'm not going further into this point just know I'm right on it.

This has further isolated my disabled ass more than I was isolated when I was actively bullied for it in public schooling, where I went to the internet to just...hang out, be with people as weird as I am. But now people are socially ok and in these places and they make more rules and whatnot, and I always end up fucking things up for myself in those places. Flopping on the floor like a fish in my head right now, because that's all I can really do about it. I am just a fish in the ocean, and surfing the world wide web just isn't that fun anymore. And as fish do, it's a fight with other fish to survive. I guess I'm surviving ok so far. But I'm still a fish. Why am I a fish? Fish.

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: A fsh.

[chromsai]

okay so i've been following you for a long time now mostly bc of the FE content, and i always see yugioh on my dash bc of you (it's gr8 i'm not complaining) bc of this i really wanna start watching it but i feel like i won't get things if i don't watch the original or the stuff before Arc V. What would you recommend i watch first? thanks!!!

*slams hands on desk* WOW I’M SO HONORED ABOUT THIS ENTIRE ASK WOW THANKS ALSO WOW I LOVE INTRODUCING PEOPLE TO YUGIOH OKAY OKAY SO

I mean everyone’s gonna have their bias in any franchise with multiple entries and yes by now literally everyone knows my bias but here I’m gonna give you my most unbiased opinion possible on them all to hopefully give you some perspective and hopefully you choose whichever one is most appealing to you and no don’t worry you dont have to have seen any of them in any order before watching any of them!! You can just jump right into any and enjoy card games in heck ok so here goes (I won’t spoil anything, I promise!):

TL;DR answer: No, you don’t need to have seen any of the Yugioh series before any of them to just jump right into any, just like with any FE game. I don’t have a straightforward recommendation for which Yugioh you should start with because I really believe you should be able to start with whichever appeals to you most. Though, if I had you watch only one Yugioh, of course my vote would be for Arc V.

(Longer answer with detail on each of the spinoffs under the cut.)

Duel Monsters aka DM aka “the original Yugioh”:•Number of episodes: 224•Basic summary: Normal high school kid solves the Millenium Puzzle, a mystical pendant with the soul of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh, and goes thru many trials and tribulations to find out the mysteries of said pharaoh’s past (with card games!) and save the world.•Who it’s for: This is probably the most mystical/(fictionally)mythological of all the Yugiohs and the original, of course. Major themes include The Power of Friendship and… I mean there’s others but basically that’s the main MAJOR theme. Anyway, if you like archaeology themes and seeing heroes overcome the odds thanks to their friends’ support and don’t mind sitting through really long arcs (with pretty amusing recurring characters), this Yugioh is for you.

GX:•Number of episodes: 180•Basic summary: So dueling is an actual profession and there are actual schools that get you thru all the basics as if it was an actual real life college major or smth and our hero is just a normal teen kid without a care in the world that just wants to be the very best like no one ever was except for the school he applies and gets into and lives for the next 3 years of his life trying to achieve this is literally fucking cursed have fun.•Who it’s for: So you like slice of life anime? So you like slice of life anime with characters that are really interesting and have good development? So you like slice of life anime with teen drama? So you like slice of life anime with a bit of trauma? So you like slice of life anime with childrens trading card games from actual hell? WELL BOY YOU’RE IN FOR A REAL TREAT, THIS YUGIOH IS FOR YOU!!

5Ds:•Number of episodes: 154•Basic summary: Wow how do I summarize this one? Well, basically our hero and his entourage are all trying to save their city (and basically the whole world) from both an ancient mystical force AND a futuristic force. Yes. Time travel is a thing here. Are you also a Zelda fan, by any chance? Welcome to the Ocarina of Time of the Yugioh franchise (#TIMELINESPLITTER).•Who it’s for: Yes, this is indeed the CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES anime that perhaps you’ve heard about, but trust me the concept is more intriguing than you might think. If you like innovative ideas and themes about changeable and intertwining destinies + the bonds between the hero and all those who he’s befriended and met, then you’ll love this Yugioh. 

Zexal (I+II):•Number of episodes: 73 in Zexal I, 73 in Zexal II. 146 total. The shortest of all the Yugiohs (so far).•Basic summary: The entire story comprises of the bond between a boy and his alien (which only he can see and interact with) and trying to regain said alien’s memory back which was split into 99 cards. Zexal II expands on this as the alien begins to regain his memories.•Who it’s for: Major themes in this show include overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles and learning compassion from both your allies AND your enemies. Hell, I’d say rival bonds are one of the major themes here too. If you like ultra sci-fi settings and aliens and intergalactic wars, this Yugioh is for you.

Arc V:•Number of episodes: 148•Basic summary: Our hero starts off wanting to simply work towards becoming a great entertainer like his missing father was but along the way finds out the world is much larger than he ever could have imagined it could be while also finding out the hard way that [Chrom voice] war is hell. (Alternatively, [Kiragi voice] war is HECK). •Who it’s for: Yeah this show is about war but it’s also about the psychological implications of war and the innocents it affects and the irreversible consequences that come with it. It’s also very personal story about overcoming your own self, despite pressure from society. Unlike with the past shows, while there is still a sense of camaraderie between the characters, Arc V’s themes are much more individualistic. The two major themes of this show are to “take a step forward with courage” and finding a way to bring peace and make everyone smile. Ultimately, if you like wonderfully cute/pretty yet heart-wrenching aesthetics, this Yugioh is for you (and for me).Note on Arc V: This show does have references to past Yugiohs and also features characters from past series, but it is ultimately an AU of each of the past shows so there is no continuity from them to be seen here, meaning that even if you start with Arc V, you won’t be spoiling yourself or confused about said references from past series. Mainly the references are there as happy nods to the fandom veterans, kinda like how Awakening has a bunch of nods to past FE games but they don’t meddle with the story (I myself started with Awakening and didn’t find myself confused by any of the references, or noticed them at first, just to put things in perspective since it’s exactly like that with Arc V). [Speaking of FE, I have a feeling that if you liked Awakening, you’ll like Arc V...]

Vrains:•Number of episodes: ongoing (it just started airing like ~8 weeks ago)•Basic summary: Our hero trying to figure out his own past while in conflict with 2 other enemy factions that are chasing him cuz he took a very important AI for hostage. (Tbh there’s not much to go on since it’s still very early so sorry this is the most I can say about it.)•Who it’s for: Similar to Zexal, if you like futuristic, VR-centered themes (kinda like SAO lol) you’ll probably like the idea of this Yugioh. So far, I can’t really say much more because, again, it’s still very early in its run.

Okay well, I tried hiding my bias as much as I could. I think there’s something to be enjoyed from each of the series, but of course my absolute favorite (by a very long shot) is Arc V so I’d recommend that over any of the others. Just a quick ranking of the Yugiohs based on my experience watching them: 1. Arc V3. GX/5Ds (I can never decide, sorry)4. DM5. Zexal

(no ranking for Vrains cuz yeah)Lastly, even despite all this (and my undying love for Arc V), I really, really think you should just watch whichever seems most appealing to you! If you do decide to start a Yugioh, I’ll be happy no matter what! I hope at the very least some of this helped. Happy watching!!