#I've always had a couple but until recently I didn't really relate to any of them in regards to our relationships with sex and romance

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

I freaking love having aro and ace and aroace mutuals

The more I get the more similar and different experiences we have and it's so great, we're all so great <3

[sugarcult]

Liam, I wrote up this big, long letter for you, and it seemed like nothing came out right or like it just didn't sound how I wanted it to. So I guess I'll just do my best.

Years ago, I remember other fans being obsessed with Diana when it came out, and how many fans said that One Direction had saved them. I didn't think I could relate because I wasn't actively suicidal or self-harming at that time, and I guess I thought all that was a little overdramatic. But in the last two weeks, I've been thinking it over, and I really think 1D not only changed my life but saved it too.

When I first started being a fan of the band, it was 2012, and I had no idea how hard my life was about to become. I guess you probably felt like that too, in retrospect - when you auditioned for X Factor, and you were put in a band by surprise, and you strapped in for this wild ride you couldn't have anticipated, with the highs and the lows that came with it. I remember feeling so much joy listening to 1D, watching silly videos, meeting new people, writing and reading fanfiction. I invested so much of my time into 1D during the active years of the band, at first because I wanted to and it was fun, but now that I'm older and I have some perspective, it wasn't really that simple.

I had a really hard home life in those years. I was in high school, and I didn't have supportive parents. I remember at many points feeling like nobody understood me - not my friends, not my family, or anyone at school - except, in some weird way, One Direction and their fans did. You guys created an atmosphere that was so uplifting and supportive, that prioritized things like mental health and social justice, having a laugh and still being kind. These are all things I really needed in my life.

I didn't make a friend in the fandom until about 2016, so for the entire duration of 1D being active, I was doing my solo thing. I had other people I kind of interacted with during that time, but not any real friends I stayed in touch with. My entire high school career was me being a 1D fan basically alone, and I think I forget that sometimes because I have a lot of 1D friends now. But at my most vulnerable, and in my most formative years, the only thing I really had was One Direction. And I have been thinking a lot about how much of that fun, welcoming, supportive environment was exactly those things because of you. I felt so much support just being in the proximity of the fanbase and the band. I had something to live for, even when my home life was terrible, when my friends abandoned me, when my grades started slipping. I didn't have much sense of identity or self-awareness at all at the time, so it didn't occur to me until recently how much harder and more emotionally volatile those years would have been for me without One Direction. And when I finally did start processing all the hard stuff I had gone through a couple years later, my friends in the fandom were there for me in a way most people couldn't be. I'll be forever grateful to them, and to all of you.

I always felt like you saw me, and like you got me, and like we had the same priorities and values about how people should be treated. I guess that's because you had been bullied yourself and knew what it felt like to be treated unkindly. It really hurts me to know just how much unkindness you continued to receive all the way to the end. I think people saw your joy at the success of your loved ones and your continued pride in the band as somehow disingenuous, but I know it wasn't, because I see so much of myself in you.

I hope you know how many people truly loved and admired you, and how much good you put out into the world, and that the bad that each of us has done does not negate that. Without you, I wouldn't have lived this long. It sounds dramatic, but now that I'm on the other side of the hardest years of my life, I know I couldn't have made it through without you and your influence. You have been and still are a light to people on every continent, people you've never met, who have never been in the same stadium as you. Actually, in ways you don't know and in ways that can't be quantified, you have changed the lives of so many people indirectly. You changed my brother's life, for one, by helping me become someone who could be resilient and strong for him when he needed it. You changed my dad's life by making me someone who can teach others compassion. You've made my son's life possible, by helping me be strong enough to be here so he could even be born. And for every fan you've had like me, you've touched the lives of countless other people indirectly in the same way. The good you have done may be hard to see sometimes through all the noise, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. I hope you knew that in those final days, and I hope you know it now, wherever you are.

I've found it really striking, how many of the people who knew you feel the need to say they hope you're finally at peace now. I wish that didn't say so much about how hard things were for you the last several years. I wish I could have been more vocal and let you know how much change you had made in my life and how much I love you. I wish I could have been more supportive than just a person you might see through pixels on a screen, although I know you had many loved ones who supported you in life too. The grief we are all feeling for you feels some days like it has stopped the world.

It's been a while since I've truly lost someone, and I think the last few years have made the impact of loss hit a lot harder than it used to. I understand now why people turn to religion in times like these. It's for hope.

A lot of other people have said it, but I hope in my heart that it's true:

You will find me

In places that we've never been

For reasons we don't understand

Walking in the wind

You shined so bright, and you still do. But I would have loved you even if you hadn't.

[thedinanshiral]

The Missing

Having read the latest Dragon Age comic there's really not much i have to say about it. We follow Varric and Harding on their mission to find Solas, and get to see them meet some characters from previous comics like the Crows Viago and Teia, and some Tevinter Nights characters as well. The premise is simple: there's an artifact somewhere and everyone's trying to get it -Solas, the Venatori-, and our party is trying to find Solas so there they go. We get to see a little bit of Tevinter, and a little bit of the Arlathan Forest which only made me wonder how certain things could be made in the next game (distorsions in the very fabric of space-time are always interesting to me, there's a lot that could be made with that setting, gameplay wise).

As i think i've mentioned before, these side media are often made in preparation for the next installment in the series, the Dragon Age comics have rarely been lore-heavy for newcomers and hints for veterans are few and cute but not exactly groundbreaking (they better leave that for the actual game!)

Only one frame caught my attention:

In this scene out party has arrived at the temple lost in the Arlathan Forest where they expected to find the coveted artifact and Solas himself. Alas, both are gone already, but we as the readers are treated to these murals, one familiar and one not.

I'm not saying Solas was the only elf capable of making such murals but he's been practically designated as the artist behind nearly every elvhen mural seen so far, and that wolf one is no exception.

Is the location in the comic the same as in the trailer? We can't tell for now.

But it's the other part of the mural that i have to focus on. I had seen it before -spoilers can be unavoidable sometimes - and it bothers me considerably that it wasn't until i saw it on my own copy that i realized something.

People almost immediately interpreted the figures to be Ghilan'nain and Andruil, particularly because the one standing has a headpiece that very much resembles one of the upside-down figures in the trailer's mural

This, coupled with some previous concept art led people to believe the figure should be Ghilan'nain..

...or is she?

You see, the recent Dragon Age vinyl came with gorgeous cover variants, depicting the city of Arlathan before and after Solas' action, and the latter shows what seem to be the faces of most of the other Evanuris

Their headpieces are the same as shown in another part of the trailer

The moment this one came out everyone tried to guess what design corresponded to which Evanuris. I tried it too but didn't take notes so excuse me i'm not trying again now,maybe later

When i looked at that panel in the comic, it hit me. The sitting figure, with the half-moon headpiece, the same as in one of the gods on the trailer mural, the same as the grotesque sea monster...might not be Ghilan'nain. Despite all possible readings covered so far, it may actually be..Andruil.

"Whaaaaaat??" you may say, but hear me out. Check the body language in that mural. It's loving, tender, one is lying on the other's lap, they look like lovers. As Andruil and Ghilan'nain are presumed to have been. With Andruil being the senior one, i think it makes more sense for her to be the one sitting, looking down at the other resting on her lap. If the headpieces the Evanuris wore were in any way related to their name or atributes, that alone changes how this scene can be understood. The resting figure's headpiece looks like two horns; which Evanuris was related to anything with horns...antlers...halla? Ghilan'nain Mother of Halla. She was so proud of the halla, the creation that granted her godhood, the one that still roams the land, why wouldn't she reference her finest work with her crown?

Whereas the other figure, seemingly more imposing, stronger perhaps, has a headpiece that closely resembles..a halfmoon, people thought. But let me offer an alternative: a bow. Andruil, goddess of the hunt. "Sister of the Moon, Mother of Hares, Lady of the Hunt". Her preferred weapon? Bow and arrow. We know Andruil hunted in the Abyss, that it drove her mad, tainted, and apparently Horror of Hormak distracted us all because we thought it had to be Ghilan'nain, with her experiments, her monstrous creations, her underground labs of lyrium-induced genetic disasters. But what if it's not her, but her lover? What if it's Andruil? She "put an armor made of the Void and made weapons of darkness. She brought plague to her lands and howled things meant to be forgotten". She could very well be the giant sea monster in concept art. Monsters so massive don't need weapons, and that one is holding a spear. The devs note mentions "evil gods", and ok sure, Evanuris being evil is kinda debatable but the one we know for sure lost her freaking mind was Andruil.

Besides asking who's who, i think we should also consider why they're depicted like this in a mural, specially if we consider the very likely possibility that Solas made it. We know very little of his relationship with the Evanuris, other than Mythal. He didn't approve of them for sure, but he also still holds a deep love for all his people. We have at least one story that connects him with Andruil and Ghilan'nain, which is a bit odd, to say the least.

That's all i have for now. I think i'll read all the pre-Dreadwolf comics soon and work with that. Thanks for reading :)

[sapphire-weapon]

Hey so... Capcom hates unions, right? If this is the case... I'm kinda wondering if Stephanie even works with them any more.

See, the past couple of years she's been posting stuff on her Instagram stories about strikes and picketing. Not even just with the recent video game VA ones. The SAG-AFTRA stuff. IIRC she even stopped promoting Death Island stuff for a little while there. This is all good, don't get me wrong... all the AI bullshit needs to stop and I'm ecstatic she's being vocal about it.

As far as I've seen, other RE VAs haven't been posting anything about any of that. I could be wrong about this however.

But this could explain why she's been a little more bold with her statements about stuff lately. And when people asked if Claire was going to be in RE9 she said something like, "Oh they're making that?" Like, she maybe legitimately didn't know they were.

Isn't this the reason why they stopped using the last VA for Claire too? Or am I wrong?

Plus, even if she was replaced, we wouldn't know until the next game or movie comes out or is close to coming out since this seems to be the pattern recently.

Again, I'm probably looking too much into this but I just saw someone else talking about Capcom and unions and IDK... got me thinking.

so... this is something that's been lost to time in a game of telephone. it's something i've even been guilty of perpetuating and only just now realized that i fucked up by perpetuating it when i looked it up to refresh myself on what happened.

alyson court came out in 2017 and said that she would not be returning as claire for RE2make and said that capcom had decided to go with non-union actors instead. paul mercier then also came out and backed up her statement -- that he would not be returning as leon. alyson then made a follow-up video stating that this was NOT related to the recent voice actors strike. it was simply about contracting. basically, capcom shopped around until they found actors they liked that were willing to work at a price that capcom was willing to pay. alyson said that it was extremely disappointing that capcom wasn't willing to pay actors a working wage.

but despite alyson's clarifications, the damage had already been done. what was intended as "i was union-protected to ask for a certain amount of money, and capcom wasn't willing to pay it" morphed into "CAPCOM WILL NO LONGER WORK WITH UNION ACTORS."

but that's patently untrue.

because they kept on matt mercer for both vendetta and DI despite him having always been in the union.

capcom also pays top dollar for union actors in devil may cry. reuben langdon (dante), dan southworth (vergil), and johnny young bosch (nero) are all union actors.

hirabayashi has come out and told us that RE2make was built on a very tight budget due to capcom's lack of faith in the project, so it makes sense that they decided to cut costs where they could -- including when it came to voice acting.

so, really, capcom is willing to work with union actors... but only when they see the cost benefit for doing so.

if steph is no longer voicing claire, it won't be because she's in a union. it'll be because capcom doesn't feel she's worth the money anymore.

but her lack of knowledge of RE9 has nothing to do with her still being in capcom's good graces. as far as we know from leaks, claire isn't in RE9. and if claire isn't in RE9, why the fuck would steph know about its existence? game companies don't contact every single main cast actor in a series and update them every single time a new project is underway. only people who are working on the project know about it.

so, unfortunately, the likeliest explanation remains: stephanie panisello is just an asshole.

good question, tho. good ask.

[elwin-at-your-service]

hi there :D

i've figured out your childhood.

(this was from my kotlc adults hc's post. got kind of offtrack and most of this is based off no canon at all)

HOW ACCURATE WAS I? :D

ELWINN

a-hem. elwin's parents fought a lot and didn't pay much attention to him :(

he had a cousin named amarelle sencen

she was a couple years older than him and they were so close :D

elwin spent most of his time at amarelle's house

when he was 15 and amarelle was 18, amarelle's parents had another child

elwin was happy, he had another cousin :D

the child was named cassius (>:D)

amarelle moved out after she completed elite levels (she was an empath~)

elwin's parents literally forgot he existed most of the time so he moved in with amarelle

cassius was 2 at this point and ANOTHER child was born (elwin had another cousin!)

the name..? ahah no.

elwin saw his aunt and uncle a lot, and cassius looked up to him.

elwin babysitted cassius and the mystery child a heap, until he went to elite levels

it was around then he began to take an interest in physician and doctory stuff (look at me using scientific words /jj)

amarelle supported him every step of the way

she gave him a stegosaurus stuffed animal

he named it stinky >:D

elwin was so grateful for that he began to grow a stuffed animal collection

but stinky was always his most favourite

elwin went and got qualifications after elite levels and stuff

but he still lived with amarelle

she owned a place called splendour plains

amarelle was working as a jeweller, she often made jewellry for elwin to wear

(also when keefe was temporarily living in splendour plains, amarelle still owned it but elwin knew that the two of them had never met so he claimed it was his own house. amarelle was on a trip with a close friend while keefe was there.)

amarelle didn't have the best relationship with cassius

but she showed up to the opening ceremonies thing for Foxfire when he became a Level one :D

elwin came as well

he cheered cassius on the whole time

elwin gave cassius a special stuffed animal after that (it may or may not still be in cassius possession~)

elwin began to get really busy and he didn't have much time to hang out with cassius and the mystery child

he managed to make it to the mystery child's first opening ceremony tho

he gave HER a stuffed animal as well >:3

it was a unicorn

she named it sparkles

bc she thought the name 'queen pink of all things pink' sounded kinda weird

mystery child loved pink :)

uhh this elwin part's gotten kind of long now-

elwin became foxfire's physician

mystery child always got fake-injured (or exaggerated her injuries) to come to the healing centre to see elwin

cassius would sometimes drop by during breaks with grady

elwin had recently gotten a blue elephant stuffed animal in a hawaiian shirt and he wanted to find the perfect person to give it to

it took years to find that person-

also aro/ace elwin :)

he doesn't wanna get involved with any romantic-y stuff

not for himself anyways

he gives the best romantic advice to cassius tho

and his other patients

especially one who got a really bad injury one time named kenric

he was pining over the mystery child

:)

Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness in creating all of this and sharing it with me!

My own take on my backstory does differ a little. You got a few points right though - I’m estranged from my parents, lived with an older cousin when I first left home, and I’m aro/ace! But I think you have mistaken my youthful looks for actual youthfulness - I am at least two centuries older than Cassius (and, to the best of my knowledge, not related…).

If this is your own headcannon, I do not dissuade it in the least! I still enjoyed reading every point of your creativity and feel honoured that you clearly spent such time considering my humble self 🥰

[dndiguess-blog]

2024年7月19日 — Just starting out (again); What do I have to work with?

As someone who's been trying to learn japanese on and off for over a decade it's always a challenge to come back to it, especially after a longer break. This is the position I find myself in currently since I haven't seriously tried improving my skills or immersed myself for a few years now.

Granted, I never quite got to the point where I could naturally immerse myself in japanese on any level even when I was actively practicing, but I knew a lot of basics. When I decided a couple weeks ago to see just how rusty I had gotten it was clear that I needed a good repeat of nearly everything before I could even think about progressing. I'm sure many others that habitually cycle through different hobbies can relate to how frustrating and sad it can be to have to relearn concepts and skills that were no match to your previous self. I also have the bad habit of letting go of things when I don't feel that I progress "fast enough" (I am in no rush, this is purely a standard that arbitrarily set for myself) which adds another layer of difficulty whenever I have to start over with the basics again.

Because of these reasons I've really tried to take the time I need and make sure that I absorb everything before moving on to something else. I've honestly had a lot of fun relearning even the most surface level concepts, and I think this sort of repetition that I've been required to do be able to progress is something that I really lacked when I've been trying to learn previously. Granted, letting go of the language completely for 2+ years isn't necessary. But I think going forward that I will make a bigger effort to backtrack whenever I feel a little unsure of something and repeat concepts until every part of it feels solid.

—

Hiragana & Katakana (sort of)

So far a lot of my time has gone toward practicing hiragana until I'm completely confident in my reading abilities again. Something new that I've done this time, embarassing as it is to admit, is to go through every character's stroke order and learn them that way. Previously I haven't given stroke order much thought. This is mostly because I don't even write that much by hand in swedish/english so it didn't seem that important to me at the time (I know, I know...). Another reason is that I am left-handed. I haven't seen this ever be discussed that much so I don't know if this is just something I struggle with, but I find the correct stroke order to be difficult to write with using my dominant hand. But yes, this time I've made an effort to actually learn the characters the right way! I must admit that I still find it to be a clumsy way to write left-handed (and sometimes I still cheat, forgive me) but I must admit that practicing hiragana (more recently kanji) as steps that must be done in a specific order rather than just little pictures to memorize (I did practice writing them previously as well of course, I just kind of improvised the way I did it) has made the characters stick way quicker than they did previously.

A video that really helped me with stroke order, and generally making my hiragana look nicer and less "fonty" is this one by the channel ToKini Andy! It's a nice, long video of him and his (native japanese) wife going through each of the hiragana where he first draws the character and then she corrects any mistake he makes (which I think are very common mistakes to make, I related to many of them) and shows how she draws the same character. From what I gathered she is a calligrapher, so her handwriting might be a bit fancier than the average japanese person, but I still think it's a very good video. Andy himself stated that he has been writing hiragana for 12+ years, so regardless of where you are in your journey I would recommend checking it out!

Before moving on I'd like to quickly mention katakana: I haven't practiced katakana nearly as much as hiragana. This isn't because I don't think katakana are important, but not as immidiately mandatory as hiragana. While hiragana are necessary to know for every other step of learning japanese; katakana is something I can practice slowly over time, either actively or passively. The app I've been using to practice kanji also lets you practice katakana, so I've gone over them a few times on there (practicing stroke order as well, bonus), especially the ones I'm less confident in, and I will probably do this every now and again to make them stick.

—

Currently I have made way more progress than just hiragana, but this entry ended up being very long so I won't detail every single thing I've crossed off my list. Instead I'm going to list off the resources I've been using, and also what I think the next steps on my journey are going to be!

My resources

My physical resources at this moment is my (very old) Genki 1 text book, a very cheap grid notebook, and my Goodnotes 5 app (I'm going to have another section with the apps I use, but it felt better to group goodnotes with the rest of my notetaking things? Even though it isn't a physical resource... Oh, well). The cheap notebook is just for writing practice. I don't like combining my nice looking notes with my practice scribbles so I need a pressure free space to just scrawl as much as I want. I use goodnotes to make more put together notes where I go over concepts and write down anything I learn in detail for future reference. I didn't get the app for this purpose, I've had it for a long time and used it for all sorts of studies and hobbies. I'm not using any particular template for this purpose either, I've been using the normal grid template.

App-wise I started a bit with duolingo, mostly when I was practicing hiragana. I got annoyed at basically everything with the app very quickly though (surprise!) and decided to look for something else. At the moment this is what I have downloaded:

HeyJapan – This app is in the "duolingo-category" of language apps but it's just for japanese. It's a little janky but I like it way more than duolingo. I haven't used it as much as the other apps though, mostly because I've been using my Genki-textbook to structure my learning and it felt confusing to have two different sources at the same time.

Ringotan – This is the app I've been using to practice kanji! I've actually loved it. First you pick a source to base your lessons on (you don't have to own any of the sources to use this app, this is mainly so that if you own a textbook you can practice kanji as they appear in the chapters you're studying); I chose Genki. Then you get lessons with groups of kanji based on the source you picked! The lessons consist of drawing the character using the correct stroke order with less and less guides as you progress. There's also a "Custom Review" option where you can freely pick which kanji you want to practice. This app has been great for me in particular. Since I've decided to repeat everything from the beginning (down to the concept of XはYです) I've actually used the app to study ahead in the textbook. This keeps me from getting bored while going over and reminding myself of simple concepts, and also means that I already know the kanji when I get to a new chapter in the book.

Shirabe Jisho – A dictionary. This is just the first dictionary I found when looking for recommendations, and it's been great for me so I haven't tried any other. You can search by english, romaji, hiragana and kanji. When looking at words you get direct links to the different kanji in the word, their stroke order and ON/kun-readings. Just a great dictionary!

Time to finish off this beast of a journal entry with my steps going forward. As it stands currently I have two main goals: 1. Relearn verb-grammar 2. Methodically work through the entire Genki textbook. When I last stopped actively practicing my japanese I had a pretty good grasp of the different groups of verbs and how to conjugate them. Grammar-wise I feel like that's the next big step to allow me to write more in japanese. As for the Genki textbook; I've owned this book for a long time, and I've probably read through most of it at least once. But I haven't actually ever used it in an effective way, mostly because I'm not the greatest at organizing my studies. Because of this I've made a section of my japanese notebook in goodnotes an index/checklist of the different chapters and their contents. As I'm studying a chapter I'll write down any important concepts, notes and examples in goodnotes. I'll also practice any concepts I feel shaky on, and when I feel good about a section I can cross it off the checklist. This lets me see exactly what I need to do next, and will give me a good backlog of detailed notes to look back on whenever I need to remind myself.

Hopefully this method will stick, and otherwise I'll just have to adjust it and find a way to make it work for me. But other than that I have nothing to add so:

さようなら！

[august-anon]

tag game: catching up

thank you @ticklishraspberries for the tag!! I almost always forget to do these when i am tagged so i made sure to do it right away this time instead of Procrastinating dskjfhkjdf

--

❤️ Newest obsession: i am certain my recent queue has given it away dkjfhdf, but batman and his batfam (and other related parties), somehow i got hooked on fanfic of them despite having never touched a comic and having limited cartoon knowledge, and now these characters are all i've thought about for WEEKS lol

🎥 Last three movies I watched and what I thought of them:

(i haven't actually watched any movies in a couple weeks and all of these movies were watched on the same day, so, dkjsfhdjf)

But I'm a Cheerleader (2000) - love love love this movie SO much, changed my life the first time i saw it as a teenager. It's an annual rewatch for my friends and I during pride month, and this year we watched it drunk which just made it even funnier lol

Shrek (2001) - don't ask me how we wound up watching Shrek at the pride month party we were drunk and insisting shrek and fiona are the queerest m/f couple ever (they are though, i stand by that). I love this movie with every fiber of my being. This was undiagnosed autistic toddler August's first special interest, as a kid I genuinely watched this movie almost every day

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022) - I don't think we even had an excuse for this pride party pick we just wanted to watch puss in boots skdjfhf -- anyways this movie is genuinely a MASTERPIECE. The animation is gorgeous, the story is amazing, the characters are outstanding. 11/10 would recommend

🎶 Three songs I’ve discovered recently and loved:

i genuinely don't think I've discovered any new music recently jdkfhdf i just relisten to the same songs over and over, so I think I am just gonna do the last three songs i listened to:

Fair - The Amazing Devil

Chords - The Amazing Devil

Drinking Song for the Socially Anxious - The Amazing Devil

can you tell i really like The Amazing Devil sdkjfh

💘 Newest Fav Ships: fanfic has gotten me shipping SuperBat now lol, which is a ship I knew about but didn't care about either way until recently. And also BirdFlash and JayRoy kjdfhjds -- the batfam hyperfixation controls all at the moment

📺 Currently Watching: Batman The Animated Series :)

📖 Currently Reading: aside from the 80+ ao3 tabs i have up on my phone of batfam fanfic, I'm not currently reading any books -- which sucks!! I wanna read books!!! But the last book i was reading MONTHS ago (and didnt finish) was the 2nd book in the Atlas Six series and honestly they are such boring, meaningless, plotless books to slog through that it's put me in a several-months reading slump sdkjhdf i wanna get back to reading soon!

🎮 Currently Playing: Baldur's Gate 3 and Super Mario Sunshine!

😍 Currently Looking Forward To: i dont think there is anything particularly exciting that i am looking forward to atm??? Idk i might get a chance to completely redo my room in a few months so that'll be fun lol

✅ Recently finished: uhhhhhh idk lol,, washing my sheets and remaking my bed? and thank god for that because it is the WORST chore in the world for someone with a bad back and screwed up joints lol

💌 Something to share: i just did my love test with wyll in bg3 and got all the answers right :) i loev him

Tagging: (i never know how many people i am supposed to tag for these things dkjfhdf) @dreamingticklee, @achilleean <3, @hypahticklish

Obviously no pressure to do it either way though, my friends!

[marlinspirkhall]

Your post on dyslexia is so interesting and informative. I used to teach kids with dyslexia, so wanted to know if you received any services in school. If you did, what seemed to help the most. Thanks! From a fellow spirk fan

I'm trying really hard to keep this short and relevant, but to be blunt, I'm not sure anything helped. Any help I received was usually incidental. We did a ton of things which are supposed to help teachers spot learning difficulties in kids- word searches come to mind (I couldn't do them at all when I was a kid)- but for whatever reason it never got spotted. I was always behind on my maths and concerns were never raised about it. It was super weird, but apparently my primary school had a bad reputation when it came to teaching maths anyway, so I guess it makes sense in retrospect.

I think what would have been most helpful when I was very young was not being traumatized by my teachers when I was 5 (to the point where I was terrified to get a maths question wrong. I'm sure too many people can relate to that).

I can remember two separate teachers calling me stupid when I was 6 (I think one of them called me stupid and another one yelled at me for blurting the (correct) answer out in maths class. (I had my hand up but she wasn't picking me and I could tell from her gaze she was going to pick one of the kids who always answered correctly in class, and I was just excited to finally have a correct answer). It feels so petty to bring it up almost 2 decades later, but idk man, it's also a petty thing to get annoyed at a literal child* for /lh).

*I couldn't even hit her with an “Ummm I am literally neurodivergent and a minor?”, because unfortunately it was 2005 and that phrase hadn't been invented yet.

It occured to me recently that I did receive a couple of instances of extra support in primary school, though for some reason it was only when I was 10 and was about to move up to middle school anyway.

The first instance was a group of 6 of us who were all given extra math tutoring before our SATS exams. After our SATS I was taken out of lessons to have one-on-one maths lessons with a student teacher. This was 13 years ago so I only remember it vaguely, but I think she was scheduled in once a week for about 6 weeks for half an hour at a time, and I'm pretty sure we spent the last 5 weeks finishing off a short story with a friend I'd started in English lessons, being supervised by the teacher the whole time.

I was tested for dyslexia as a 5 year old on my mum's request, but we didn't know I had it until 12 years later when I did another in-school test when I was 17. I've heard people mention this happening to other neurodivergent people, too (especially ADHD and autistic people)

I know when I was first learning to read my teachers provided me with "view-finders" or windowfinders (pieces of cardboard with small windows cut into them) so I could focus on individual words. When I was eventually diagnosed by the learning support at my high school, they did something similar and had me try out various pieces of cellophane to lay over the page so I could read it better.

The ironic thing is, I'd considered going to the learning support room years earlier, when I first got to high school, but I couldn't find it. Which makes sense in retrospect, because I'm not the best with directions, I just find it extremely ironic, because there were regular announcements that "the learning support room is always open. You can find it behind the lifts** on the ground floor", but every time I walked past the lifts, I thought there was a blank wall behind it. Turns out (as I only learned because the learning support teacher met me in music class one day and led me there herself) there's a very narrow corridor beside the lift, and you can only see the doorway once you're inside it.

**(elevators)

TL;DR, I could have been diagnosed with dyslexia much sooner but the teacher I had when I was 5 was hostile, and by the time I'd begun to suspect I had learning difficulties, dyslexia/inattention/executive functioning prevented me from finding my way to get help 🥹 but overall school was okay, the rest of my teachers were supportive! I remember when I was 14 & 15, I really appreciated my chemistry teacher. He used to write with yellow on a dark blue background (and a sans serif font) because he said he'd read that it was easier to read for dyslexic people.

I could rant for days about how the school system in general is broken and learning support is only slapping a bandaid on an industry industry which is built on institutional ableism (and every other ism too), but ultimately as long as kids make it out of school alive, you've done your job as a teacher.

[ihavejustthisonethingtoshare]

HRT Journey

I started HRT about a year ago, and the Gender Spiral Podcast was definitely a big part of coming to the decision to try it. Hearing stories of other NBs, sharing similar doubts and uncertainties about their genders made me feel more secure that all these feelings are valid, and none of them are a strong enough deterrent from trying out taking T.

Thinking back on the moment of decision, Dr. Beal's take on the number of things you're excited about vs the number of things that scare you - makes so much sense! And that's pretty much how I arrived at the decision to try it. I was excited about more muscle definition around my neck, shoulders, and jaw, I was excited about stronger-looking arms, excited about a deeper voice. Not worried about body hair and more fat around the stomach. Kinda nervous about facial hair, and loss of head hair, and really hated the idea of bottom growth.

I started with a 2.5g daily dose of Testosterone Gel 1%. Improvements in mood and energy were felt almost immediately. It normalized within a few days. After a month, not noticing any physical changes I tried going up to 5.0g daily. I tried that for a month, but it got way too intense. I would get really horny, and would get random erections (?? i guess). And I hated it. It was the feeling of "bottom growth" I was worried I'd hate. This was all entangled in me coming to terms with being Ace too, so it didn't feel like me. I found that it wasn't bottom growth per se that bothered me - I just didn't want anything going on down there taking up space and attention. So I took a week break (maybe a month even) - no T at all. Until all these unwanted side effects subsided. And went back to 2.5g daily. And it all felt normal again. That's the best way I can describe it, with a small amount of T in my body I just feel normal. I would sometimes take a couple of days break after getting my period, if I was feeling overwhelmed. But mostly maintained the same dosage.

After 6 months I started noticing other physical differences. The hair on my chin and neck started to grow more. I thought it would bother me more - but it's just kinda there. I've always had some facial hair and was made to feel self-conscious about it. But accepting it as part of my trans-non-binary identity helped me be like - fuck it, that's just my body, it has hair places - deal with it. So I let it grow, and shave every couple of days. I got a fancy safety razor, and i actually really enjoy using it. And it all feels normal. I also noticed more definition around my neck, shoulders, and jaw. My voice started to drop a bit. Although I can still hit the same old high pitches, it's just the relaxed register is lower now. It feels more mucousy and nasally - but not in a bad way. After getting over a cold recently - I thought my voice was still hoarse - but then I was like - oh yeah, that's just my trans voice… something that I wasn't really expecting or thinking about (but makes sense in hindsight) the way my body smells changed. And I think the new smell bothers me less… my head hair actually started to grow back at my temples and the sides of my forehead. I was worried about additional hair loss, because I was already experiencing some, but now I think it may have been more anxiety-related, and getting a handle on that helped. My hair is still pretty thin at the top of my forehead, but with a good haircut, it doesn't bother me much.

My periods never stopped, which is a bummer. Not a fan of periods. When I was still trying to get a handle on my anxiety, period-time would be extra hard, and I'd often feel dizzy. It's better now - with T and a mix of anxiety meds. But still a work in progress. I'm trying the Slynd birth control pill to help with the periods. A bit nervous that it would counteract the T too much - since I'm on such a low dose already. But so far seems fine - and I have not needed to take a break from T during my last period, which is cool. But we'll see how it goes.

I think because I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and had elevated levels of T at puberty - I wasn't too bothered by the changes my body was going through then. I was just having a hard time fitting into the idea of "girl" everyone tried to squeeze me into. But when I got older, the cysts went away and my T levels dropped, the way I was aging didn't feel right anymore. I stopped looking at myself in the mirror because I didn't recognize the person looking back anymore, and I much preferred my reflection in other people - through the eyes of people I loved and loved me. But it was getting really hard to connect with my own body. I simply couldn't see what they were seeing. I looked so jaded in the first video of myself I made to track my progress. I am so much happier now. I'm exploring new fashion, and it's fun again. I recognize myself in the mirror, and I like what I'm seeing. I'm still aging - and that is a gift in its own right - but the way I am aging makes sense now. I just feel normal.

I'm thinking about top surgery next. The boobs gotta go. They just don't make sense on my body anymore. I'm taking my time figuring it all out. I'm nervous about getting a major surgery. But the more I've been reading about it, the more right it feels.

I don't think I'm done transitioning, I don't think we ever truly arrive at a "final form". You just kinda go with the flow, and what feels right. But I do feel more secure in my identity now. And that's huge, honestly.

[morgannalefey]

Not sure why I'm talking about this here. Just mostly getting it out of my head I guess. I don't really expect much to come of this other than I've got this available to reference later if I want it.

I've been interested in genealogy for many years now. Not enough to pay for the exorbitant fee that Ancestry.com charges, but enough to diddle around on Ancestry and Family Search occasionally. I've found out a lot of interesting things that date back pretty far (one branch of the family came over from Calais in 1061, for instance).

Sometimes Family Search drops me an email telling me they've found documents or interesting connections. By far the most interesting connection I've had it drop is that I'm actually related to my favorite author, Jane Austen (6th cousins seven times removed or something like that, through her mother, Cassandra).

Tonight it dropped me a more recent record about my paternal grandfather, Victor. He'd married Garnet in 1932 and Daddy was born in 1937. I knew they'd split up about five years after that. I knew that sometime later, Victor had met a Dorothy, who had also been previously married and divorced. They married and stayed together until his death in 1977 (I was only 11 when he died).

I always thought Dorothy was my grandmother but when Victor died I found out about Garnet (who had been estranged from my father since he was a child). I got taken to meet her (along with Daddy, Mom, and my brother) and the whole thing was pretty surreal.

Over the years I've learned a whole lot of stuff about Garnet and how she'd lived and things that had happened but today I got blown away by a couple of other documents that Family Search turned up.

Victor was married to someone between Garnet and Dorothy, named Fannie Ruth. I'm not sure how long the were married. But when Victor married Dorothy he lied on the marriage certificate and said that he'd only been married once before. But on the marriage certificate to Fannie Ruth, he said he'd been married once before.

I knew that Daddy had an older brother who had died as an infant. One of Daddy's cousins talked a bit about it but wouldn't tell me any details. I found out today that he'd also had an older sister who was stillborn.

I wonder if Daddy even knew about Fannie Ruth, or she about him. I know that Daddy spent a lot of his younger years being passed around to relatives while Victor was not able to care for him.

These various facts explain a lot of disparate things I knew about that side of the family and Garnet in particular. I'm guessing that Garnet was in a lot of emotional pain, and that's why she drank (honestly I think they both drank a lot). I'm also guessing that their marriage couldn't survive their drinking and these infant deaths. I further imagine Garnet leaving Daddy behind because of feelings of guilt and inadequacy. All this is guessing of course.

The things I know to be true are she abandoned Daddy when he was 5. That Dorothy pulled the family together and made him feel safe and loved in a way he'd never felt before. That Daddy didn't want us kids to be around Garnet or even know about her because of her drinking and her abandoning him.

I also know that, while Daddy wasn't able to fully break the cycle of alcoholism (I never witnessed him drinking, he'd stopped coming home drunk while I was still very young, though my older brother's experience of our father is very different and my brother is also a non-drinking alcoholic), Daddy was able to break the cycles of abandonment and neglect. I never once doubted that my parents loved me. They were there for me at every choir performance, every play, every project I worked on. They supported, protected, and showed how much they cared every single day.

I'm still processing these myriad little details. Just wanted to get these initial thoughts down while they were percolating (and so I could sleep).

[misqnon]

hi, i just read all of ur posts tagged as misqnon's one piece liveblogging and it was so much fun T-T. im here to rant about one piece and im sorry.

i really love seeing people react to content i am caught up with and hold close to my heart.

i got into the 800s in the anime and stopped watching, took a break and then read the manga up to around 1060. but last month i decided to read the whole thing from the beginning and it is genuinely SO WORTH IT.

after u have caught up completely its super rewarding to go back and look at previous chapters bc its constant "oh my god look what was foreshadowed here??" and "now i understand the context behind this!!!" and "this interaction is so much more meaningful now that i know their relationship!!". yes it did take me a whole month of nearly nonstop reading to catch back up but i have 0 regrets.

wano and the arc after it are both super fun and interesting and i think ur gonna love it. the lore is crazy. i hope u dont see any spoilers bc going into it completely blind will probably be way more exciting, especially with the most recent arc since its kinda suspenseful and mysterious,,.

anyways thats all i have to say how do you end these things.. take care!!

AAAAA ANON THIS IS SUCH A FUN MESSAGE TO RECIEVE THANK YOU...

I ended up talking a lot so I'll put this under a cut lol

I used to be the person who said I would never watch one piece 😭😭 I've been into anime since I was like 12 and I'm almost 24 now (fuck . That's like half my life) and obviously it's always been on my radar but I always thought it was 1. Too popular 2. Too Long 3. Hated how oda draws women lmao so I was fine ignoring it and only knowing the basics from just Being On The Internet

I think sometime early on I caved and attempted to watch it- I got to alabasta and stopped bc the anime pacing wasn't doing it for me (though I liked it up until then, but didn't LOVE it)

cut to high-school where a couple of my good friends liked it but we never really talked about it, it was a lifelong interest for one of them bc he'd started reading it on like 4th grade

Well I'm still friends with them (shoutout to sam and seb) and they convinced me to watch one piece film red with them in like July or August of last year bc they were showing me the songs and I, ado fan bc I'm a retired weaboo and a vocaloid Stan, was like "haha that sounds like ado" and they went "IT IS!!!!??" so I had to watch it for her.

again, I was like oh this is fun I like this :^) but no IMMEDIATE interest, more of a passive thing... until the live action came out a month or so later and I watched it just because and DAMN I FELL IN LOVE FAST

I went back to the anime and rewatched the beginning, then skipped back to alabasta where I had left off years and years ago and now I'm Here 🧍

I watched up through part of dressrosa before I started reading the manga, and now I'm doing that while watching certain episodes of just the parts I really wanna see animated

It's been. So Fun

I am now that person who's like Hey You Should Watch One Piece. I get it now. I so get it lmao. And you know the weirdest part is that with it being divided up into arcs like it is I find myself thinking it really doesn't feel that long!?!? Am I insane,

anyways. It's been a while since I was in an active fandom or even in a fandom at all - ESPECIALLY such a big one!?! (I was in college for 4 years and Busy).

but it's. Crazy. I'm writing fanfics and joining discord servers and I've never done that before. it's been very fun and rewarding tbh...I don't like a lot of things about oda and aspects he included and ofc one piece isn't perfect or unproblematic but it IS a really awesome epic of a story about friendship and found family and anti authority and its just.

I'm also a person who's always loved reaction videos or just even seeing otherppl react to things I like so I RELATE AND IM SO GLAD I CAN BE THAT FOR U...

I'm ngl as I've been reading I've been wanting to look up some old one piece forums dated the time certain reveals happened bc I want to see how people felt as this shit came out holy Shit....

it's additionally funny bc this blog is about 10 years old and has amassed a decent amount of followers over the years who were just into some of the other random stuff I've been into but I know a fair amount of them were thinking we were on the same page of not being into one piece and now here I am. Ruining that. And with the pervert character as my favorite no less. lmao SORRYYYY YALL <3

I'll leave u with this message I sent into the discord I share with some friends the other day, none of which really watch op, when asked to explain something about the show. In fact, I think the reasoning for this message was BECAUSE I was explaining to a friend just how much oda foreshadows things!! jinbei, kaido, haki, sanjis backstory, ALL being mentioned by name or referenced DECADES/YEARS BEFORE APPEARING ON SCREEN...HUNDREDS OF CHAPTERS APART....I could rant on more but I'll stop for now.

thank u for the message and feel free to dm me to talk about this silly show anytime bc its sunken its claws into me 😭

[tomyo]

Kingdom hearts 3, finally finishing it 4 years later

A game I honestly didn't think would be off this list for a while. I bought the game when it came out and then never finished it because I was using my roommate's PS4.

Recently a friend lent me his PS4 now that the PS5 exists and after months of con season I finally sat down with it. I had intended to start from scratch until I learnt the several hours I played on the guest account where erased and my sanity would not allow several hours of tutorial again.

In the end, I bought a psn membership and reached out to that old roommate which was a nice experience. I missed them but have always just been to much in my bullshit to reach out until apparently *this*.

Maybe the funniest thing to say about all of this is this is my first and only time I've played a kingdom hearts game meaning my gameplay expectations were average. I had a goofy fun time after not having to play Olympus a third time and I relate to smooth brained Sora a lot, vaguely I get what's going on but I don't give too many shits. Yeah the start of the key blade war was a mess but my little gay ass cried at every XIII trio and co moment. That ending CG cutscenes was too short but I could easily wax on about how these characters have constantly sacrificed and gone through tragedy often in the name of each other and the hope that those in front of them could move forward. The prequel trio went through tragedy, the main trio constantly just out of reach from each other, the XIII trio stuck in an amnesiatic limbo and so forth. The fact most of them got to literally do fun kind shit together was a nice miracle.

Also bawled at the union cross cameos even though I barely played it. I love tragedy and I did earlier this weekend stop to let my avatar cry scared at their own death in the middle of war so the idea that maybe some actual users got to see their names on screen attacking the enemies but hard. Even though I haven't played the series, it's a permanent part of my life just from the cultural zeitgeist it caused in my adolescence. I wish they gave it more impact if anything but I get it, it wasn't something everyone was for.

Obviously though the biggest issue is Kairi per usual. Utada's song are sort of like a thematic tone to each chapter in the series with a theory that Kairi's designs being inspired from Utada's image at each point. Chikai is not just a love song but a wedding song, the progression from an immature and insecure relationship in the first one to one stubbornly proclaiming it's now or never with your devotion to me. It's a song meant to stand at the end of everything, it's someone waiting for you to meet them in the distance. I remember desperately trying to avoid spoilers for these past four years but being suggested from what I couldn't avoid that Kairi had proposed marriage to Sora at the end. It's also usually Kairi who gets a lot of attention in the CG openings and endings. The natural idea of this all is that it's sealing the idea of Sora and Kairi recognizing each other as a couple and potentially a maturing relationship from when they were children even though like, I don't even think two years have passed in world??? Either way she gets worse than nerfed at the end. You don't get to play as her, she doesn't get to do A N Y T H I N G aside from being said to still believe in Sora and be his emotional angst. And then she is kidnapped and killed. The worst is it failed to make it matter to me. The are a lot of reasons why everything with Kairi just did not hit any emotional level whatsoever as a Kairi stan. Riku had more romantic tension with himself on the beach honestly. And yes, I acknowledge there was literally a gay rainbow bonded key blade. I didn't really ever ship anything with kingdom hearts but I now believe in Sora and Riku I guess. Also the old dudes probably making out. Yeah, wasn't even pissed at that anticlimactic heel turn with the big baddie. Side note, buying the game was 100% worth it to have the immersive experience of Goofy and Donald call out for my from the controller. A+. Just, man, Kairi was more blank than wood this game despite them trying to say she was important. I think for a series so central on the bond of it's trios, keeping her out of the main fights was such a bummer.

Also I am not paying $30 for the dlc when I have already given the game $70+ of my money. I will absolutely watch a video of that instead.

Either way I'm happy I can finally watch videos that sat in my YouTube watch later since 2019 and I happily look forward to KH4. Bitches who know me know I'm a sucker for Shibuya and honestly I should have bought the world ends with us in the ds when i had the chance. Might come on my lists because street style is so big in that game.

With that one of the two most intensive games on this list can be crossed off. The other being GTA 5 but I also don't really plan to jump on that anytime soon. More concerned with playing the Kinect games on my 360 lmao.

[crisishauntline]

I’m so fucking sad. I really wanted to see her. I’m still sort of and entirely glad I did, and sort of and entirely like my heart tore its way out of my body and now I’m wearing it like a fucking albatross.

We talked for an hour or so, just catching up, before we got to the Big Talk. She was so painfully beautiful. Her long hair swept over her shoulder, her eye makeup as sharp-winged and luminous as always—I think her eyeshadow was a dark pink. I wish I could remember more precisely, or that I'd taken a picture somehow. Of course, taking a picture of her would have been weird as fuck in these circumstances.

I asked her as many things as I could think of, about family and work and friends and hobbies. I asked about her dancing, about all the space news from the past 6 months that I've wanted to get her take on, about how she's sleeping. She had fascinating answers. Her grandma has pancreatitis but otherwise her family/home life is ok. She told me that she's trying to move out next year, which made me hopeful for her. Her hours were cut significantly at the planetarium, so she's going to start working with her old teacher/boss again at the school in January as a part-time physics tutor. She's exercising and dancing a lot, especially this one style that's newer to her, Guerrero. She learned a danced where you balance a lit candle on your head. She's also been getting into photography lately, and has lots of ideas for paintings. I really wish I could see any and all of it.

She didn’t ask me a question until I prompted her. “Is there anything you want to know about me?”

“Everything,” she replied, and I believe she meant it. But I still felt that familiar twinge of disappointment and frustration. I don’t know where to start with a question like that—it’s honestly still not even a question.

She wishes I had allowed her to carry more of my struggles when we were together, and I acknowledge I could have communicated them better. But it’s hard for me to do that without being asked. I have overshared and regretted it too many times. And I just wish there was a way for me to know that she’s not just supportive and in love with me but also genuinely and specifically curious about me. I don’t want a sympathetic bystander, I don’t want a witness, I don’t even really want an admirer—I want an active partner who wants to learn with and from me, in the same way I want to with them. I also think I need to know I am interesting to someone in order to feel loved by them. Probably related to my larger need to be remarkable or “special” in some way in order to be worthy of all the love and resources I have received, and therefore be someone who deserves to live. And because curiosity is one of my strongest ideals, being “special” means being worthy of curiosity.

If I have been vulnerable and truly myself with someone, it hurts when they don’t have at least a few follow-up questions about an interest, a memory, an idea, or an area of expertise I’ve shared. I either don’t feel seen, or, if im in a more depressed headspace, I feel like there must not be anything to see in me.

After I prompted her (though I didn't say anything in the previous two paragraphs), she asked me all the questions I’d asked her, about the well-being of family members and pets, about work, about holiday plans and hobbies. I told her I'm getting a pedal harp soon. And then when the waiter started taking the chairs inside to close the restaurant, she asked where I thought we were going, or what I hoped we could be.

I told her that mentally speaking, I am a couple steps up from the bottom of a bottomless well. I didn’t get deep into the specifics of my self-harm or SI but told her I’d had suicidal thoughts as recently as last week, and I don’t think that’s a good place to be when entering any relationship, let alone reentering this one. But I miss her so very much, I told her, so I hope we can be friends.

She said she couldn’t just be friends with me, unless there was some understanding we were moving towards dating down the line. She offered in a couple different ways that we could "hang out/make out and not call it anything," but that she couldn't do that if there was no chance of getting back together. I said I understand, and acknowledged that I do see a chance for us to get back together—that I in fact have a desire for that too, and that I still love her and want her in that way—but that I couldn’t see a fair way to hold space for that expectation given how much I doubt that I will ever grow or learn how to love or know what I want or be the person she deserves to have as a partner.

At one point she asked me, playfully serious, “What do you want, woman?”

“I want to be a different person,” I said.

We each talked about why we feel how we feel, and I think we both understand well enough at this point. Not much has changed since we talked in August. We’ve both been working hard to strengthen ourselves and our friendships, but it seems to be paying off only for her. Neither of us wants to be apart or knows how the fuck to stay in each other’s lives.

That’s essentially how we left it, with the vague agreement to check in after the holidays. When I got home an hour later I sent her the song “Little Wind” by Haley Hendrickx, which kept coming to mind. She called me and we talked for another hour. She wants to be part of me becoming/being ok, and feels like she’s grown in ways that she could share with me. And she quoted this Joanna Newsom lyric, “Time is taller than space is wide.” There was a whole explanation she gave along with it, but now I remember nothing. Fuck.

Anyway, I floated the idea of doing couples counseling if we decide to give it a go in the future, and she thought that was a great idea. I also asked if we were to start hanging out and "not call it anything," would that mean she would stop trying to find someone better? Because I don't want her to stop trying.

It's also not just about her finding someone better. I also still wonder if there is someone better (suited) for me out there too. If I am meant to be with anyone—and maybe I'm just not—what if I can only really handle being with someone who isn't also mentally ill? Maybe this love I have with L, no matter how true or powerful, simply isn't big enough to hold us both.

Whatever happens to me, she knows I love and believe in her always. She knows I will always be with her in one way or another. I wish I could have said it in my own words, but I didn't want to worry her. She'll hear it in the song at least. If not now, then certainly after I'm gone.

I might go to town and drink myself away Find a singing bird and try to step inside her cage I might go to waste, and I might be a coward Little wind, I’m with you in the roadside flowers I wish that I had stayed in that river house with you Pulled away the weeds and let wild roses bloom But all the hanging plums one day will go sour Little wind, I’m with you in the roadside flowers

[genderqueerpositivity]

I've got a lot going on lately. I didn't even realize until today that I'm 7 months on testosterone now until today.

CW: changes from HRT, gender stuff, some off topic mental health stuff

I always thought that once I was on T, the changes would be more dramatically visible than they are. I never realized that I could be 7 months on T and not entirely pass for a man. And I don't feel like I "look like a man".

I'm meeting a lot of new people lately and mostly being gendered as a woman. I got called a gentleman once though!

The changes and so on:

The biggest change that I've noticed since my six month update is more chest and belly hair. Body hair is a change that I can actually see, which is pretty cool.

I feel like my facial hair grows more quickly now too. I go back and forth over whether I should shave it or grow it out, I'm still not really decided what to do with it I guess.

I haven't used the voice analyzer app lately, but I think my voice is still dropping. I was mistaken for my dad recently over the phone, so that was neat.

I feel like my hairline is a little different, but not receding fortunately. I've been told that my face shape has changed a little. I think I'm having some muscle growth and maybe a little fat redistribution now, especially in my shoulders and belly.

The skin oiliness has calmed way down, but I'm still having acne and occasional ingrown hairs, so that sucks. My periods haven't returned, and no weird cramps since my T dose was reduced.

I'm having hot flashes lately which is annoying as fuck. I believe that has to do with the other kind of HRT that I have to take (because I've had this happen pre-T), and not the testosterone. :/

This might sound weird, but I feel like my chest dysphoria is less on T. I haven't noticed any decrease in size or anything like that...my dysphoria just seems quieter and less overall. I'm definitely less bothered by dysphoria than I was before HRT.

This is odd too and I'm not sure that it is related to being on testosterone at all (the timing makes sense though) or some new sensory issue: but I've noticed in the past few months that I can't tolerate certain scents anymore. I've given away candles I loved that started to give me serious headaches when I'd burn them and I've given away lotions that I can't stand to wear anymore because the smells make me nauseated.

I don't light candles or incense anymore. I've taken the air freshener clips out of my car. I only use like two lotions now when I had a bunch of different ones before. I don't use dryer sheets when I dry my clothes anymore. I don't use certain body washes or soaps.

I've seen a few different places online where people on T said that their sense of taste changed after starting hormones, that they lost their sweet tooth or could no longer tolerate spicy foods...and I wonder if it's possible for testosterone to have an impact on my sense of smell?? But I can't really find much online about that happening to anyone else. There are a couple of reddit posts where people talk about their sense of smell becoming less strong on T, and a few that say their sense of smell became stronger.

I don't believe that my sense of smell is weaker or stronger now than it was pre-T...I think I just react differently to scents now??? I've even bought a freaking air purifier last month because of this, hoping it would help.

I did already have sensory issues with strong smells like bleach or vinegar or gasoline before starting T, but those smells never made me actually sick. And now a cranberry scented candle gives me a headache so serious that I have to open a window and lay down?? This is ridiculous. It was one of those big ass bath and body works candles that I got for Christmas last year too, I loved that thing.

Anyway.

As nice as it is to have less dysphoria, T has (unsurprisingly) not been a magic cure for my anxiety. Because it doesn't do that, obviously. Did I hope that HRT would lead to me having less anxiety? Yes. Did I expect it to actually in reality do that? Not really.

I have definitely had less depression this year. I definitely still have anxiety, and that shit runs my life. Not gender or HRT related, but I feel as though that problem has gotten worse.

I did stop going to therapy. My new work hours don't fit well with it. And I got sick of being misgendered and deadnamed by this therapist who couldn't be bothered to show me the basic respect of even consistantly getting my name right after a year of appointments. Maybe three times in a whole year did she get my name right. In the end I don't know why I tolerated that for so long. There were other big issues too that aren't trans related, but basically I did stop going.

So I'm not really sure what to do about the anxiety thing. It controls me, but it's also mostly invisible. And I'm really not interested in having another therapist tell me to "focus on the present" or take deep breaths. Also not interested in having a doctor throw yet-a-fucking-nother antidepressant prescription at me. Because I'm pretty sure the one I'm taking now does nothing for anxiety, even at the max dose.

Half of this post is off-topic but I'm seven months on T now and I like it!

[gildedmuse]

Hey, everyone.

So recently I've (predictably) very not well. Actually, whenever I don't post for long periods, just assume my body is trying to kill me. But I've gotten messages from three people asking if I. Okay, which is super sweet. I am actually trying to work on the next All Hearts, a really long ZoLaw post and two request fics, but mixing chronic kidney pain and capitalist society's mandate to work 40+ hours is not recommended.

But to prove I'm okay and still me, here is some Shanks antics with him being a total slut while Mihawk and Beckman just roll their eyes and go along with it. [Shout out to @jhaernyl who not only listens to me ramble about this stuff, but actively encourages it]. I also have many thoughts on the latest episodes and so many screenshots it's embarrassing. Hopefully, when I'm in less pain, I'll get around to actually posting those. Otherwise I just look like an insane person who literally takes by the second frame shots every time Zoro is on screen.

.... What is that? I look like that anyway? Fair.

Shanks Is A Bad Influence

It feels like Buggy and Shanks split up after Roger's death (the crew was told to, and they are the only ones who went to his execution) and I find it impossible to think Shanks didn't immediately set out and find a crew; like, pirating is the only thing this kid knows in life. This means two things:

He set out from East Blue. Also, he seemed at ease and familiar with the East so it's possible he spent like a year there getting everything together. Maybe he even played around in the other blues for a while before heading back to the Grand Line. I say this because his crew is from all over so either he found and recruited them in the Grand Line or visited various blues. Either way, I'm gonna say it took him about two years before getting a 'proper' start. In that case, he would have started out properly at the age of 17 and we know One Piece likes it's parallels.

That still puts Shanks at 17 to Benn Beckmen's 28. How the fuck did Shanks manage that? I'd call it grave robbing, but let's face it, the little tyke probably got up to some actual robbing of graves as well.

My point being everytime Shanks teases Mihawk about keeping this 19 year old kid on his personal island, mostly shirtless, Benn Beckmen just lifts an eyebrow.

Excuse me, captain, who had prefected the 'opps still don't have my sea legs' trip-and-fall into their first mates lap by the age of 17?

Shanks: Beckmen, you caught me! *Shamelessly nuzzles up* Thank goodness! I could be a devil's fruit user after all and - Ahh!

Benn: *Drops Shanks straight over the side of the ship into the water*

Shanks: *Sputtering* What what that!?

Benn: Checking to see if you had eaten a devil's fruit on us, Capatin.

Benn: You didn't.

Smart ass. But he can't resist Shanks forever. Shanks will wear him down eventually.

Next time Mihawk tracks him down for another match - because you know he gets bored way quicker than he'll ever admit and Shanks is at least amusing a challenge - Shanks makes a big deal out of how Mihawk follows him around, "accidentally" revealing they slept together, sighing about how it's so hard to resist him.

Benn Beckmen is just leaning against the side of the ship, sipping his booze.

Shanks: -and I can't stay for hours like last time!!

Mihawk: Are you quite done?

Shanks: *whispering* Does Benn look jealous?

Mihawk: He looks bored. Much like I am. Is this some strange attempt to get out of my challenge, Akagami?

Shanks: What? No, come on I told you I was game. But, hey, could you do me a favor? Maybe like try and kiss me or something? Like take a swing like your going to hit me but then stop shot and grab me by the waist instead.

Mihawk: .... Trickery is beneath you. Besides, you're absolute rubbish at it.

Shanks: Oh, come on, I would totally help you get laid if you asked!

Mihawk: .... *Sigh* I want a proper match afterwards.

Mihawk: *In a forced, monotone voice* After this I will take you to my lair and have my way with you, Akagami.

Mihawk: ... My lair? Really?

Shanks: *Holding up cue card with quickly scribbled line* What? That is how you talk.

Mihawk: I can't believe I wasted precious hours of light tracking you to this atrociously rural port.

Shanks: See? Now, read the next one.

Benn: Captain? If this is going to take all night, I am going to go join the rest of the men in the tavern.

Shanks: Huh? Wait! Benn! What if Miha really stabs me this time!?

Benn: *Salutes Shanks with his bottle* Sounds like that is his plan captain. Have a good 'challenge'.

Shanks: What? No... *Reaching out hand, like he might die if Benn leaves, looking completely devastated* Not even a little jealous...

Mihawk: You couldn't have thought that pantomime would actually work.

Shanks: Benny, don't leave me.... *Turns to Mihawk, immediately brightening* Oh, well, there's always tomorrow. Hey, Miha, guess whose free all night and horny as a pirate in the calm belt?

Mihawk: .... *Sigh* Very well.

Mihawk might as well get something for the trip he made. Although, he's reconsidering if the sex was actually worth the trouble after he ends up listening to Shanks worry half the night that Benn is shacking up with someone else (after a couple hours of rough and raw fucking, admittedly).

Is it the hat? He likes his captain's hat. Miha, you think his captain's hat is sexy, don't you?

Mihawk: It's utterly ridiculous.

Shanks: ....

Shanks: ....

Shanks: *Smile* Ahh, Miha, I knew you liked the hat!

Shanks: What do you old Northerns find sexy?

Mihawk: I am only four years older than you.

Mihawk: And silence.

Trying to convince Mihawk to go spy on Beckman for him. Shanks doesn't actually care if he does sleep with someone else, it's more that Beckman didn't immediately turn angry and jealous like Buggy would have that has him paranoid.

Mihawk is going to fuck this annoying red head again just to shut him up.

Mihawk: Maybe he doesn't like red haired boys who don't know when to be quiet?

The next morning Shanks is pacing among his poor crew that's gotten stuck listening to Shanks obsess about Beckman again. IS IT REALLY THE HAIR!?

It's not even a matter of Shanks's age (or obvious immaturity). I mean, Beckman got on board and stayed, didn't he? Beckman just enjoys watching Shanks try so hard to get his attention. Like Benn's attention isn't constantly on Shanks. He had to when his captain is always one step away from disaster.

He only left him with Mihawk because it was clear Dracule is not a real danger to Beckman's captain.

Except maybe insulting him to death. But Beckman is pretty sure Shanks can handle it. He's met Buggy. He's suspects Shanks LIKES it if anything.

It gets to the point where when they dock somewhere and see Mihawk waiting, or come back to the ship and spot his familiar silhouette, most of the crew goes off somewhere for another drink (sometimes the newer kids will stay to watch such an awesome fight, everyone else is like... Look, you'll have plenty of opportunities later. This is not a one off.)

Benn just takes a look around, nods to Mihawk (a silent signal for, "he's all yours, do with him as you please, if anything happens to him I will track you down and make sure your last few hours on this blue world are as painful as humanly possible") and heads off.

Oh, it's just the Hawk boy.

That's fine then.

Benn use to be a sailor on a trade ship between the North, East, West and Grand Line. He's seen it all.

They called him The Gun Slinger BEFORE he joined Shanks's crew and became a pirate.

So this young, broke ass kid from the streets of some near artic northern island trying to pass himself off as a Lower North rich type has a thing for his captain? Not really enough to keep Beckman up at night, no matter how good at swords he's supposed to be

Besides, he's pretty sure for the kid to keep tracking down Shanks, he must be bored out of his skull. He's not going to do anything to endanger their captain.

Not if Shanks is the only thing he can find to keep him entertained.

One day, Mihawk is going to be waiting on the dock when a bunch of Red Haired pirates are stumbling home, laughing and chattering amongst themselves (Shanks's crew always seems to be in a good mood). One of them will catch sight if Mihawk and walk by with a smile, patting him on the shoulder.

The captain's occupied. Seems likely he'll be 'occupied' for a good while, too.

Mihawk won't smile, but he will think "So you finally warmed him up to you, Akagami?" and snort lightly.

Poor Benn, though. Mihawk could never imagine being with someone so much younger than him. Shanks is only four years his junior and already it strains Mihawk to put up with his occasional moments of "youthful whimsy" (aka being an annoying, immature child)

"A young, cocky pirate with strangely colored bright hair"

Mihawk just putting that on his Not To Do List.

That lasted until Roronoa.

(Mihawk just looking at Zoro knowing this is bad news.)

Mihawk: *Takes list from Benn*

*Cross out, scribbles*

*Hands back to Benn*

Do Not Do:

- A young, cocky pirate with strangely colored bright hair a silly hat, who is overly dramatic and in any way, shape or form related to Gol D Rogers.

Ace: Hey what's up?

Mihawk: *Takes list from Benn*

Go ahead, Benn, laugh it up. Mihawk is aware he has a type. Young, pretty, and utterly insane.

After that night where Shanks was otherwise 'occupied', it's over six months before Mihawk sees his friend his rival again. He is, as expected, far too smug and proud looking.

Shanks: Oh, Miha, so sorry you came all this way, I'm-

Benn: Well, I'm off, captain.

Shanks: What!? But we, you, I... Benn, hessoeexyarentyouworriedforyourcaptain?

Benn: *patting Mihawk on the shoulder* Have fun with him. Don't forget to return him by noon tomorrow, we have a schedule. Oh, but if you can babysit him for at least four hours? That would be great.

Shanks: BABYSIT!?

Mihawk: I suppose I can be troubled to do so.

Shanks: TROUBLED!?

Benn: Thanks, Hawkeyes. I owe you.

Shanks: *Fake tears clinging to his lashes* You two are so mean!

No, don't feel bad for him. Shanks is just trying to guilt the two of them into bed at the same time, and they both know it.

Thanks no thanks, they're not into that. But Shanks can be pretty cute when he's trying so hard (Benn) and at least he's not as boring as everything else in this world (Mihawk) so they allow him to keep up the act

Shanks: *looking at Zoro's wanted poster over Mihawk's shoulder* But I feel like you'd gladly go to bed with him and his captain if he asked. That doesn't seem fair to me. You'd never go that far with me and Benn.

Mihawk: *Eyes Benn*

Mihawk: *DEAD. ONLY.*

Mihawk: I have my reasons.

They can and do agree on plenty of things, including reciprocally not being that attracted to each other.

Shanks: Sounds fake to me

Shanks: But guys!

Shanks: This isn't about you

He's gonna need you guys to drop the egos and focus on what HE wants. I.E., being in the middle of two sexy Northern men.

Honestly, so mean to poor Shanks!

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Here's a shortlist of those who realized that I — a cis woman who'd identified as heterosexual for decades of life — was in fact actually bi, long before I realized it myself recently: my sister, all my friends, my boyfriend, and the TikTok algorithm.

On TikTok, the relationship between user and algorithm is uniquely (even sometimes uncannily) intimate. An app which seemingly contains as many multitudes of life experiences and niche communities as there are people in the world, we all start in the lowest common denominator of TikTok. Straight TikTok (as it's popularly dubbed) initially bombards your For You Page with the silly pet videos and viral teen dances that folks who don't use TikTok like to condescendingly reduce it to.

Quickly, though, TikTok begins reading your soul like some sort of divine digital oracle, prying open layers of your being never before known to your own conscious mind. The more you use it, the more tailored its content becomes to your deepest specificities, to the point where you get stuff that's so relatable that it can feel like a personal attack (in the best way) or (more dangerously) even a harmful trigger from lifelong traumas.

For example: I don't know what dark magic (read: privacy violations) immediately clued TikTok into the fact that I was half-Brazilian, but within days of first using it, Straight TikTok gave way to at first Portuguese-speaking then broader Latin TikTok. Feeling oddly seen (being white-passing and mostly American-raised, my Brazilian identity isn't often validated), I was liberal with the likes, knowing that engagement was the surefire way to go deeper down this identity-affirming corner of the social app.

TikTok made lots of assumptions from there, throwing me right down the boundless, beautiful, and oddest multiplicities of Alt TikTok, a counter to Straight TikTok's milquetoast mainstreamness.

Home to a wide spectrum of marginalized groups, I was giving out likes on my FYP like Oprah, smashing that heart button on every type of video: from TikTokers with disabilities, Black and Indigenous creators, political activists, body-stigma-busting fat women, and every glittering shade of the LGBTQ cornucopia. The faves were genuine, but also a way to support and help offset what I knew about the discriminatory biases in TikTok's algorithm.

My diverse range of likes started to get more specific by the minute, though. I wasn't just on general Black TikTok anymore, but Alt Cottagecore Middle-Class Black Girl TikTok (an actual label one creator gave her page's vibes). Then it was Queer Latina Roller Skating Girl TikTok, Women With Non-Hyperactive ADHD TikTok, and then a double whammy of Women Loving Women (WLW) TikTok alternating between beautiful lesbian couples and baby bisexuals.

Looking back at my history of likes, the transition from queer “ally” to “salivating simp” is almost imperceptible.

There was no one precise "aha" moment. I started getting "put a finger down" challenges that wouldn't reveal what you were putting a finger down for until the end. Then, 9-fingers deep (winkwink), I'd be congratulated for being 100% bisexual. Somewhere along the path of getting served multiple WLW Disney cosplays in a single day and even dom lesbian KinkTok roleplay — or whatever the fuck Bisexual Pirate TikTok is — deductive reasoning kind of spoke for itself.

But I will never forget the one video that was such a heat-seeking missile of a targeted attack that I was moved to finally text it to my group chat of WLW friends with a, "Wait, am I bi?" To which the overwhelming consensus was, "Magic 8 Ball says, 'Highly Likely.'"

Serendipitously posted during Pride Month, the video shows a girl shaking her head at the caption above her head, calling out confused and/or closeted queers who say shit like, "I think everyone is a LITTLE bisexual," to the tune of "Closer" by The Chainsmokers. When the lyrics land on the word "you," she points straight at the screen — at me — her finger and inquisitive look piercing my hopelessly bisexual soul like Cupid's goddamn arrow.

Oh no, the voice inside my head said, I have just been mercilessly perceived.

As someone who had, in fact, done feminist studies at a tiny liberal arts college with a gender gap of about 70 percent women, I'd of course dabbled. I've always been quick to bring up the Kinsey scale, to champion a true spectrum of sexuality, and to even declare (on multiple occasions) that I was, "straight, but would totally fuck that girl!"

Oh no, the voice inside my head returned, I've literally just been using extra words to say I was bi.

After consulting the expertise of my WLW friend group (whose mere existence, in retrospect, also should've clued me in on the flashing neon pink, purple, and blue flag of my raging bisexuality), I ran to my boyfriend to inform him of the "news."

"Yeah, baby, I know. We all know," he said kindly.

"How?!" I demanded.

Well for one, he pointed out, every time we came across a video of a hot girl while scrolling TikTok together, I'd without fail watch the whole way through, often more than once, regardless of content. (Apparently, straight girls do not tend to do this?) For another, I always breathlessly pointed out when we'd pass by a woman I found beautiful, often finding a way to send a compliment her way. ("I'm just a flirt!" I used to rationalize with a hand wave, "Obvs, I'm not actually sexually attracted to them!") Then, I guess, there were the TED Talk-like rants I'd subject him to about the thinly veiled queer relationship in Adventure Time between Princess Bubblegum and Marcelyne the Vampire Queen — which the cowards at Cartoon Network forced creators to keep as subtext!

And, well, when you lay it all out like that...

But my TikTok-fueled bisexual awakening might actually speak less to the omnipotence of the app's algorithm, and more to how heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

Sure, TikTok bombarded me with the thirst traps of my exact type of domineering masc lady queers, who reduced me to a puddle of drool I could no longer deny. But I also recalled a pivotal moment in college when I briefly questioned my heterosexuality, only to have a lesbian friend roll her eyes and chastise me for being one of those straight girls who leads Actual Queer Women on. I figured she must know better. So I never pursued any of my lady crushes in college, which meant I never experimented much sexually, which made me conclude that I couldn't call myself bisexual if I'd never had actual sex with a woman. I also didn't really enjoy lesbian porn much, though the fact that I'd often find myself fixating on the woman during heterosexual porn should've clued me into that probably coming more from how mainstream lesbian porn is designed for straight men.

The ubiquity of heterormativity, even when unwittingly perpetrated by members of the queer community, is such an effective self-sustaining cycle. Aside from being met with queer-gating (something I've since learned bi folks often experience), I had a hard time identifying my attraction to women as genuine attraction, simply because it felt different to how I was attracted to men.

Heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

So much of women's sexuality — of my sexuality — can feel defined by that carnivorous kind of validation you get from men. I met no societal resistance in fully embodying and exploring my desire for men, either (which, to be clear, was and is insatiable slut levels of wanting that peen.) But in retrospect, I wonder how many men I slept with not because I was truly attracted to them, but because I got off on how much they wanted me.

My attraction to women comes with a different texture of eroticism. With women (and bare with a baby bi, here), the attraction feels more shared, more mutual, more tender rather than possessive. It's no less raw or hot or all-consuming, don't get me wrong. But for me at least, it comes more from a place of equality rather than just power play. I love the way women seem to see right through me, to know me, without us really needing to say a word.

I am still, as it turns out, a sexual submissive through-and-through, regardless of what gender my would-be partner is. But, ignorantly and unknowingly, I'd been limiting my concept of who could embody dominant sexual personas to cis men. But when TikTok sent me down that glorious rabbit hole of masc women (who know exactly what they're doing, btw), I realized my attraction was not to men, but a certain type of masculinity. It didn't matter which body or genitalia that presentation came with.

There is something about TikTok that feels particularly suited to these journeys of sexual self-discovery and, in the case of women loving women, I don't think it's just the prescient algorithm. The short-form video format lends itself to lightning bolt-like jolts of soul-bearing nakedness, with the POV camera angles bucking conventions of the male gaze, which entrenches the language of film and TV in heterosexual male desire.

In fairness to me, I'm far from the only one who missed their inner gay for a long time — only to have her pop out like a queer jack-in-the-box throughout a near year-long quarantine that led many of us to join TikTok. There was the baby bi mom, and scores of others who no longer had to publicly perform their heterosexuality during lockdown — only to realize that, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual at all?

Flooded with video after video affirming my suspicions, reflecting my exact experiences as they happened to others, the change in my sexual identity was so normalized on TikTok that I didn't even feel like I needed to formally "come out." I thought this safe home I'd found to foster my baby bisexuality online would extend into the real world.

But I was in for a rude awakening.

Testing out my bisexuality on other platforms, casually referring to it on Twitter, posting pictures of myself decked out in a rainbow skate outfit (which I bought before realizing I was queer), I received nothing but unquestioning support and validation. Eventually, I realized I should probably let some members of my family know before they learned through one of these posts, though.

Daunted by the idea of trying to tell my Latina Catholic mother and Swiss Army veteran father (who's had a crass running joke about me being a "lesbian" ever since I first declared myself a feminist at age 12), I chose the sibling closest to me. Seeing as how gender studies was one of her majors in college too, I thought it was a shoo-in. I sent an off-handed, joke-y but serious, "btw I'm bi now!" text, believing that's all that would be needed to receive the same nonchalant acceptance I found online.

It was not.

I didn't receive a response for two days. Hurt and panicked by what was potentially my first mild experience of homophobia, I called them out. They responded by insisting we need to have a phone call for such "serious" conversations. As I calmly tried to express my hurt on said call, I was told my text had been enough to make this sibling worry about my mental wellbeing. They said I should be more understanding of why it'd be hard for them to (and I'm paraphrasing) "think you were one way for twenty-eight years" before having to contend with me deciding I was now "something else."

But I wasn't "something else," I tried to explain, voice shaking. I hadn't knowingly been deceiving or hiding this part of me. I'd simply discovered a more appropriate label. But it was like we were speaking different languages. Other family members were more accepting, thankfully. There are many ways I'm exceptionally lucky, my IRL environment as supportive as Baby Bi TikTok. Namely, I'm in a loving relationship with a man who never once mistook any of it as a threat, instead giving me all the space in the world to understand this new facet of my sexuality.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But at least when someone asks if I listen to Girl in Red on social media, I know to answer with a resounding, "Yes," even though I've never listened to a single one of her songs. And for now, that's enough.