#I've already donated and talked to my representatives

[oneoffvoices]

Getting my Thoughts in Order

I want to preface this all by saying that what follows is my understanding of the historical context surrounding the current situation in Palestine and Israel. All facts presented are researched to the best of my abilities, and any opinions are presented without malice nor intent to incite violence. This is simply me, a confused, ignorant white American trying their best to not be as ignorant and hopefully help both myself and someone else with their confusion. It should also be noted that I, much to my shame, am monolingual and living in the American south, so I am constrained by both a language barrier and cultural barrier from many primary sources, although I’ve tried to limit my own bias and educate myself as much as possible. The 24hr news cycle, especially as it exists now with clickbait and auto-generated (I refuse to call it AI, but that’s a different post) headlines, not to mention journalists parroting or copy/pasting each others articles that only contain hearsay, makes it incredibly difficult for any individual to sift through. Which is probably the point, now that I think about it.

At the base of all of this, is antisemitism and racism. The Zionist movement is hundreds of years old, although it started out as a minority. It only really got kicked into the world’s consciousness in 1917 with the Balfour Declaration about “expressed British support for a “national home for the Jewish people” in Palestine, but also stipulated the protection of civil and religious rights of existing non-Jewish communities in Palestine.” Many countries had and would continue to close their doors to Jewish people due to antisemitism, so the idea of a Jewish ethnostate to send them to instead was surely appealing. Historical precedents of persecution and abuse led to Jewish people wanting their own nation. Who hasn’t wanted to build their own space when every other space is hostile to them?

Different versions of Zionism were proposed, creating a new homeland in Africa or the Americas, and still others argued that they could have settlements within multiple countries and be a separate but still unified community, but none of them incited Western approval and imagination like the Zionists who demanded to go back to their “ancestral home” of Jerusalem and the fertile crescent. This also brought up the Zionist’s own racism, for they considered what once was Israel “A home with no people, for people with no home” despite the fact that the area was populated with Arabs and had been for centuries. Zionists didn’t see them as people, so they didn’t care about displacing the native population that had been living there for generations.

However, the British were also in communication with different Arab groups at the time of the Balfour Declaration, promising support to their own nationalist movements. Britain was playing both sides for support and strategic placement and as a result was unable to actually deliver to the satisfaction of either. After WWI, the Ottoman empire was dissolved and partitioned among western powers, what was Israel and Palestine going to Britain. Britain started sending Jewish migrants to the area to settle there under British protection, to the ire of the Arabs already living there.

This led up to the Arab revolt from 1936-1939, which was characterized by large scale civil disobedience and later escalating violence from volunteer Arabs helping the Palestinians on one side, and the British military of around 10,000 troops and armed Zionists numbering at around 15,000. During the Revolt Lord Robert Peel and the commission sent to review what was happening suggested partitioning the region because of the aforementioned conflicting promises; an issue of “right against right”. The Arabs were upset about being forcibly displaced from their land/homes and the revolt gained steam. Eventually, with the potential problem of another war on the horizon, British officials called for a meeting in London to settle the issue. Britain suggested partitioning the land, making the proposed Israel much smaller than previously proposed, and both areas remaining under British rule. Neither group agreed, and eventually a ‘white paper’ was published conceding to a Jewish homeland to be established within an independent Palestine where Jewish immigration would be allowed, although land transfer to Jews would only be allowed in certain areas and Jewish residents subject to Arab “acquiescence” to their presence.

Neither of the affected groups accepted the white paper, but the original mandate of Jewish immigration remained and tensions in the area remained high. The official move to partition the area came in 1947 via a vote from the UN. The Zionists approved it because it gave them more than half of the land area. War broke out in December of that year where the Arab League pledged support to Palestinian Arabs and sent a force of 3,000 volunteers. The US was concerned by the continued fighting and opposed the partition. The UN Palestine commission tried to set up provisional governments, but Arab opposition kept that from happening. The violent creation of Israel in 1948 and the decimation and exile of the native Arab population became known as al-nakba, the catastrophe.

The sides eventually reached an Armistice in 1949 with 50 countries acknowledging Israel as a nation and the area now considered the West Bank under the control of Transjordan while the area that would become known as the Gaza Strip being ruled by Egypt and a cohesive social and political identity for Palestine was impossible. The birth of Israel created a large number of Palestinian refugees who had been forcibly displaced from their homes. Most went to the West Bank, some went to the Gaza Strip, while about 1/5th left Palestine altogether. However, no matter how much Israel tried to discourage a Palestinian identity, the culture was brought together largely due to those Palestinians who had initially left Palestine for other Arab nations or the West, despite the efforts of Jordan and Egypt to speak for them.

The Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) was created in 1964, with the Palestine National Council (PNC) established as a parliament over the organization. It was originally headed by civilians, but later included guerrilla organizations as well, such as Fatah (Palestine National Liberation Movement). The PLO’s stated goal was to dismantle Israel and create a state in which Christians, Jews, and Muslims could live as equals. Israel didn’t believe this to be genuine and considered the PLO a terrorist organization.

The Arab-Israeli war of 1967, also known as the Six Day War, ended with Israel’s total victory over the forces of Jordan, Egypt, and the guerrilla forces of Palestine, as well as the exodus of many more Palestinians from the land. This also cemented Israel’s rule over the region, displacing Jordan from the West Bank and Egypt from the Gaza Strip, and putting both regions under Israel’s authority. Tensions and fighting continued throughout the 70’s and 80’s, with the PLO acting as a nation-to-be and gaining some international recognition over time. However, that resulted in increasing violence in the area.

Israel has been illegally occupying parts of Gaza and the West Bank for decades now, and though they have an official armistice it’s never really held any weight and fighting has been constant, practically speaking, the whole time. They have also been desecrating grave sites, and committing atrocities that the international stage has paid no attention to.

Hamas is an offshoot of the Muslim Brotherhood that disagreed with the secular government of Fatah and that won the election for control of Palestine Legislature in 2006. There hasn’t been an election since then, and a majority of the current population of Palestine was and is still too young to have voted in that election. Hamas has been labeled by the UN as a terrorist organization for their various attacks on Israel, as well as threats sent, such as the pictures in 2018 of Jewish leaders in the crosshairs of snipers, but who were not killed.

The fighting kicked off again “on October 7, when Hamas led an assault killing more than 1,400 civilians and soldiers and taking 230 hostages, the biggest loss of life within Israel since its creation.” In retaliation, Israel started and continues to bomb all of the Gaza Strip killing at least 8,000 Palestinians in retaliation. Israel is killing civilians and hostages indiscriminately, targeting hospitals and refugee camps under transparent claims of them being Hamas bases, as if that is a justification for killing civilians and hostages, especially the sick and injured ones, who were largely injured from the aforementioned attacks by Israel.

Currently, Israel has a stranglehold over Palestine via geography, technology, and control of their utilities and access to necessities. Palestinians cannot leave Gaza, nor can they receive most international aid. Israel has cut off their communications and access to the internet, and has launched various propaganda campaigns both historically and recently. Some of their officials have gone on record on X (previously Twitter) as saying that they have and will purposefully target journalists that are reporting on the ongoing conflict. Israel has been blatantly ignoring the Geneva convention for years, and is even more openly flouting it now. And the west is both implicitly and explicitly encouraging and approving this behavior by sending money, weapons, aid, and making public statements in favor of Israel.

Now, I know I’ve glossed over a lot, I lost steam near the end there. I haven’t said much about Hamas or what they’ve done, mostly because I haven’t found much about them that I can verify. The UN labeled them as a terrorist organization, and I assume they had a reason for that. Yes, they have attacked Israel before, killed civilians, and taken hostages. They have quite possibly participated in torture and things like that as well. I’m not saying that they are ok or in the right. What I am saying is that Israel’s retaliation is way out of line, and while terrorism isn’t ok, genocide is inarguably worse. Once you involve civilians, any civilians, in your fight you lose the right to claim any sort of moral standing in my opinion, but what we’re looking at right now is matters of scale. I have not heard of Hamas doing anything since Oct. 7th. Israel refuses to stop despite all of the voices calling out for a ceasefire from around the world, including their own people (in this instance, I’m talking specifically about people with citizenship in Israel, many of which have publicly spoken against what is happening and are involved in protests.)

I am not a politician. I am not an influencer. I’m writing this to make sense of it in my own head and straighten out some of my thoughts, in a way that can encourage feedback on any parts that I am mistaken about or any important things I skipped over completely. I’m never going to be finished learning, and I’ve got a lifetime of catching up to do already from my privileged upbringing of “not being into politics.” But if this can help anyone else acquire their own context for this whole situation, that will be a far greater success than I could have hoped for.

Call your representatives and demand a ceasefire and an end to US financial and military support of Israel. Donate money to aid organizations that are getting e-sims and supplies into Gaza, or that are supporting the protests. Go to a protest if you can. Spread posts on social media keeping awareness and visibility of this conflict high. Talk where you can. Be safe when you can. Do what you can, and once you’ve done that, pray for more opportunities to do more. Thoughts and prayers don’t do anything without accompanying action, but if you’re doing it right, it should give you inspiration and courage to do something. That’s what I’m doing. What I’m trying to do, anyway.

For ways to get involved: https://www.jewishvoiceforpeace.org/ https://act.uscpr.org/a/callforgaza https://actionnetwork.org/letters/tell-congress-ceasefire-now?source=IG_ceasefire https://therisingmajority.com/gaza/ https://www.ifnotnowmovement.org/ceasefire-now

Resources for further reading, where I got a lot of my information and some extra documents that others may find beneficial. Let it be noted that I did not, and cannot read all of the information contained therein, both for my own mental health and due to time constraints, I apologize for my weakness in being unable to read about things that actual people are being forced to live through. It is my privilege living where I do and being who I am, and I’m not strong enough to let that go entirely. I also apologize if I suffered from average Tumblr-level reading comprehension and misunderstood any of these references, but that’s why I’m posting them here as well, so that others can learn as well and hopefully we can all be a little less ignorant together: https://decolonizepalestine.com/ https://www.aljazeera.com/tag/israel-palestine-conflict/ https://globalvoices.org/2023/04/27/unveiling-my-grandfathers-past-palestine-1936-a-book-review-and-personal-odyssey-of-the-arab-revolt/ https://www.britannica.com/place/Palestine/The-first-intifadah https://www.britannica.com/topic/Muslim-Brotherhood https://archive.is/d0cYM << Military Briefing: How Hamas Fights https://mondoweiss.net/2023/11/hopeful-pathologies-in-the-war-for-palestine-a-reply-to-adam-shatz/ https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2023/11/11/we-are-minutes-away-from-death-gazas-al-shifa-hospital-under-attack

Zip folder of other documents: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1TXqNnQdPfo5MXGKJ1jUc15jMhnIApdK0/view?usp=sharing

[yuyu1024]

Escape

Pairings: Yoongi × y/n

Genre/tags: Arranged marriage

Warning: 🔞🔞 smut/angst, mention of food/eating, cursing, sensual touching, making out, needy/clingy, Pet name, lies, kink, unprotected sex, Smoking, jealousy, insecurity, mention of weight&food/eating, oral (m/f receiving), mention of blood/violence

~~~~[lmk if i miss anything]

Words: 5.8k

Disclaimer:

- this story is just made up

- english is not my first language, please be nice 😊

Note: continuation of Prisoner.

I hope this is a good part 2. 🙏🏻 took me a while coz idk if i should or not. 😅 sorry guys.

(This may continue a bit more...? But please be patient 🙏🏻 as I do have work & usually I try to write before i sleep but lately i've beeen so tired and drained that I cant even function 😅)

***

Another day, another event to go to. You are wearing your best 'pretend' smile. The smile you have practiced for months, to be your default expression whenever you meet anyone in any formal event. It's not that your trying to be fake. You just want to represent your husband the best that you can. And being a shy person, this is what you can do to help yourself.

Although, you wish, that even just one time, Yoongi would show up to these events with you.

At the first month of your marriage, he did. He did that to introduce you to everybody. You could still remember how you two were holding hands and always together. Those were the days when you have spent so much time with him.

But... Now, it's just always you. Alone. Amongst everyone in the whole place, you are the only one who always arrives with no partner.

"Excuse me?"

You twirl around and find the prettiest girl you think you have ever seen in your life. She looks like a goddess.

"Ahm, yes?" Your voice sounded so weak. You haven't said a word in the last hour.

"You are the only one wearing a corsage with a hint of lilac flowers in it... I'm guessing... you are Yoongi's wife?" She asks

"Ah, yes. I am." You look down at the flower pinned on your chest

She's smiling at you. She looks sort of happy to see you. "Finally... I've met you."

You haven't said a word. You are not sure how to approach this. You have no idea who she is and why is she approaching you. Plus, You are sort of intimidated by her. She is a beautiful, a sophisticated woman. She have this energy from her that says she is different than anyone else. You could feel your difference with her. Though you are covered with all highend brands of clothing and accessories. You can still see it.

"Oh, sorry... if I'm invading your personal time..." she says, "I am a friend of Yoongi... well... an old friend... from University" she explains. "Sarang."

"Oh." You smile and bow. "Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Y/N... I'm sorry... I've not met any of his friends yet so...I didn't know..."

"It's fine. I understand."

She looks like she came from a regal family, the same level as Yoongi. Also, her beauty.... takes your breathe away. She remind you of how you reacted the first time you saw Yoongi. In awe.

"Thank you for coming here also..." she says as she walks you around the gallery. "I hope you find something to your liking here that... would be a part of your home or either a gift to anyone you love."

As you two talk more, you learned that she's the one that threw this charity event. She gathered all these arts from known artists, to auction. She says that 100% of the earnings from it will go to the children's hospital that she have been donating ever since.

You have just met her and you are already at amazed by her. Not by just her prominent looks but also the way she talks and speaks her mind is very inspiring and uplifting. Because of her words you find it easy buying two items in the collection. You know all of the money will go and be used for something good.

You chose the items, the two that caught your attention the moment you entered the gallery. Both are paintings of a beautiful flowerfield which reminds you of your past. The field where you would always go with your friends and have picnic during summer break.

Such beautiful memory that you wish you could've not taken for granted. You wish you could re-live those moments again. And the paintings, those paintings you chose might go well in your own study room.

"It's nice meeting you..." she says, cutting you from reminiscencing your past

"Thank you too for inviting us.. though... my husband couldn't come..."

She smiles, lips pressed together. "He hasn't changed at all. Not very social and just focused on just working..."

Hmm.. The way she talks, the way she describes your husband is very detailed. She seem to know him pretty well. 'They are friends' you say to yourself but then at the back of your mind, a thought, just a tiny thought about him and her, is peaking through.

'Is she an ex of his?'

'If not an ex... probably... someone who liked him?'

I know, this is no place nor time to think about these but you can't help it.

Look at her and then you look at yourself. You two are totally opposites. From status to looks. And probably from personaly to intelligence. She is more than you. She is perfect. You think that he and Yoongi might or will get along more than you and him.

"Ahm... I ahm..." you start to feel uncomfortable with all of your self pity thoughts. You need to get a hold of yourself. "Sorry... I'll... I'll just go to the bar and have some drink..." you say as you clutch on to your dress.

"Oh. Okay." Sarang says. "You want me to accompany you...?"

You shake your head, "No... thank you... don't mind me... please go ahead and tour the rest of the guest." You say pointing at the newly arrived guests.

You turn around immediately before she could response again.

This is weird. You're not sure why you suddenly have the urge to drink. Even though you don't drink. Also because, you can't. Literally, can't.

You only drink red wine when you are offered to drink, by Yoongi of course. It's only when he asks you to join him during nights when he needs company or if you two are to discuss things about the family.

You don't drink also because you are a lightweight. You get tipsy and red easily. One time when you had more than three glasses of red with your husband, you instantly changed personality. You have no idea how and what changed besides the stories that your maid said the day after which were embarassing.

You have no recollection of anything besides the fact that you were on the sofa, inside Yoongi's home office, butt naked and only have Yoongi's blazer on you.

"Mrs. Min, what can I get you?" The cute guy behind the bar asks as you reach your destination.

"How... do you know who I am?"

He smiles, "We had the lists of the guests coming tonight... with photos." He pours water into a glass

"With details...? who can and cannot drink... I suppose?"

He nods. "Your husband noted... to not serve any alcohol to you Miss."

"Even... I want to? Or... pay?"

"I'm sorry Miss..." he says, "If you like we can offer you our non-alcohol champagne?"

You sigh heavily. You badly want to drink. Even just one glass to calm yourself. But...you can't. Yoongi have rules and you cannot avoid and disobey them.

He does give you the freedom to do whatever you want but when it comes to what not to do or what he likes, he have a handful.

1. Don't cut your hair short

2. Don't drink when he's not present nor ordered by him

3. Don't leave the house without atleast one body guard

4. Don't wear perfume (he gets dizzy)

5. Use the safeword during sex

And etc.

The rules are quite simple. Nothing to weird nor to hard to follow. It's just you compromising. And also, you do have a hard time saying no to Him.

"Thanks." You mumble, sighing as you take the glass of water and walk away from the bar.

After figuring out you can't drink to calm yourself, you decide to just go somewhere outside, away from the crowd and peaceful to get fresh air. Lucky you, you found an exit that leads you to the garden.

As time have gone by, you're not sure how long have you been there, staring at the fountain, the flowers and even starring down at your feet every now and then. You thought being out here will leave your head empty. Not worrying about anything. But then you'd catch yourself pouting and comparing yourself to all the ladies you have seen in the event, especially the last person you have talked to.

Your self pity and low self-esteem is thriving today than usual. Is it the lack of sleep? Or because of the one guy from earlier giving you a judging look that made you regret wearing the dress you picked? What happened?

These thoughts are not very helpful. Especially lately, well probably more on daily basis, you do wonder why Yoongi chose you. To marry.

They've said, more particularly his parents said, that he didn't like the ones they suggested for him; so he decided to pick you. To marry you instead of those women who is on the same level as him or close to his family's wealth.

Odd isn't it? Why would someone like him, an elite bachelor, pick a girl from a lower class family to marry? What did he see in you? What made him randomly pick you? You are not special, inexperience about life and not alluring as the other girls in his world. What did he saw? How did he even saw you? You were sure you two never met before. So did he hire someone to find a daughter from a poor family or what?

Instead of clearing your mind, you suddenly had these outburst of questions.

"What are you doing here?"

Your eyes widens after hearing a familiar voice. You didn't dare to speak. You just slowly turn your upper body around to see him, walking slowly towards you.

He's wearing a tuxedo. His hair is slightly slicked back and his scar. His beautiful scar. It's him.

You can't believe what you are seeing. He's really here. Why? He's been away for a week because of work and when did he came back?

"Y-yoongi..." you mumble, standing up

"I asked you..." he says as he stands right in front of you. Then you see his eyes darts down at your glass of water, sitting beside you. "Your bodyguard said... you asked for a drink." He looks back at you, his expression is so serious.

"I ahm... sorry..." you lower your gaze.

"You know... you can't drink."

"I'm sorry..." you whisper softly

"Let her have fun." A woman's voice says. "She just wants to have a glass of wine. It won't hurt."

Slowly raising your eyes, you see her, Sarang, standing from afar from you and Yoongi.

Her stance at this moment is unidentical to her persona earlier. It feels like she is a completely different person, though her appearance is the same. Something shifted.

"She did an amazing job.. representing you earlier." She adds

Your eyes then goes to Yoongi. You want to see his reaction to the angelic woman speaking. You are curious. No one talks to him directly like that, blunt and straight forward, even you.

Sarang is brave to talk casually to him.

"Ready the car..." Yoongi finally speaks after a monent of silence. Ordering one of his men to move.

That was it?

"I'll return the items. Keep the money. I don't care." He says while he's looking at you, straight into your eyes. Though you know, even his eyes are on you, he's not actually speaking to you.

"Yoongi le---" she tries to speak again but he didn't allowed it.

Yoongi just slightly turned his head to give her a side eye. He is not pleased. "My wife and I are leaving..." and then takes your hand to hold onto. "Let's go home..." he says that only you can hear.

"Ahm...ahh... okay." You say, lost by the sudden fierceness from him

***

"Get in." He orders you

Carefully climbing in the car, you move to the other side making sure there is a space betweem you two.

"Home please." Yoongi says to his driver as he shuts the door.

"Sir." The man answers, nodding and then pushes a button that closes the opening between the driver to the passenger seat of the car.

We are now isolated.

He looks so tired. Looks like he just came back and went straight to event to pick you up.

"I have my driver with me... you could've rested at home." You say

He sighs and closes his eyes. "I'm fine."

Did he purposely pick you up because he wants to see you? Did he missed you while he was away for a week?

Your mind is filled with questions and curiosity but you cannot dream of these questions to be real. You have to remember, he just married you because he have no other choice. There is no love in between you two. You are married by paper only that is worth a lot of money. Everything you are doing for him is to repay all of his kindness to you and your family.

This is all just a fantasy. A beautiful fantasy.

"Come closer..." he softly says. His eyes are still shut but his arm is arching, gesturing for me to take place in then. "Y/n..." he opens his eyes, calling my name. You scoot over his side. He immediately puts his arm around you, making sure you are close. "You're shaking..." he utters as he goes back to closing his eyes, resting his head back. "You're almost naked with that dress of yours..."

"Sorry..." you say looking down at your knotted fingers. "I thought it will look good....that's why I wore it."

He sighs. "You do look good..." then he shifts in his position and makes sure you're looking back at him. Then he starts leans in, to kiss you.

"Wait..."

He pauses, confused by your reaction. You have never denied his kiss before.

"I'm sorry..."

"What for?" He asks

"Well..." you look to the front, where the driver is. "Do we just kiss or..." you whisper

Yoongi didn't expect your question which made him smile. "It depends." He is looking straight into your eyes, your face are just inches away.

"He might hear us..." you whisper

"I don't fucking care." He moves forward and finally catches your lips.

***

After travelling for almost half an hour, you finally reach home.

"Welcome home, Miss..." The maid greets the second you slide out of the car. she then sees Yoongi, coming out from the other side of the car. "Master!" She bows again. "Welcome..."

They are suprised to see him. They didn't expect him to arrive with you. Looks like none of them knew he went to pick you up.

"Do we have anything to eat?" You softly ask the maid, then you realized that it's already late and that they have to rest too. "Oh... Sorry... never mind... you may go and rest." You give her a faint smile.

Then slowly walking towards the elevator, you could see your husband's reflection through the glass doors. He is busy already with his phone.

"Y/n..."

You glance up, peaking through the reflection. He is walking towards you. So you wirl around and waited for him to stand in front of you.

"Ask your assistant to remove all charities or event under the Lee's tomorrow. Even parties." He says as he undo his bow tie. "And... to not accept any invitation from them...again"

"Why?"

He didn't answer. No answer means he's serious.

"Okay..." You just answer before turning your back at him again.

Thinking about what you are in his world is heart breaking in a way. You are nothing but someone he owns. You just go with the flow of his world.

Yes you do had an idea what you've signed up for but its still shocking nonetheless how everything is unfolding and is doing.

"Aren't you getting in?"

You look up and see that he is in the elevator already, waiting.

"S-sorry..." you say before entering. You try your best to not make eye contact with him.

After both of you settled in, the maid follows and taps on level 3. That is where both your rooms are.

Oddly, Yoongi taps on the Upper ground after her. "Can you please cook something light before you leave? My wife needs to eat." He orders

"Yes, Master." She answers just in time when the elevator stops on UG.

"We'll both be down after we shower and get rested a bit."

"Understood, Master." She exists the elevator, bows and immediately walks off.

'My wife'. It is the second time he said that today. He never says that.

"Don't skip meals." He mumbles as the door closes

You didn't answer. You didn't mean to skip a meal or two today. And maybe a few days before too. You were nervous. One main reason is the dress you're wearing right now is very revealing. A satin black backless maxi dress. You wanted be perfect in the dress thats why, even though you know it's not achievable.

*pings*

The elevator door opens on level 3. You step out and about to turn to your wing when you hear him call your name again.

"Where are you going?" He asks

"T-to my room..." you sound so weak, "To shower..."

"Shower here." He says, suggesting the shower in his wing. Meaning in his room. Meaning his bathroom.

"Hmm?" You are lost in translation. Why is he asking you to shower there all of a sudden.

"To my room." And then he undo the first two buttons of his shirt.

"W-what? Why?"

He didn't say another word. He just continued to walk off towards his room leaving you.

"W-wait..." You take two steps forward but then stops.

"Y/N...." you hear the heels of his shoes stop hitting the marbled floor. His back is facing you. "I said, shower here. I didn't ask you to decide." he then turns around and you see his white top basically open now. "Will you go and shower with me or do you want me to peel that dress off you and carry you to my room?"

Flusttered by his remark, you just released an unsolicited shaky breathing. "Ahm... yes... I'm... I'm coming..."

***

[Flashback to Yoongi's side]

(Earlier... as soon as Yoongi arrived at the charity event)

Some of the people in the event went silent for a few seconds the moment they saw you enter the building. They all didn't expect you to show up since your wife was already present. But of course, they still greeted you with a smile and tried to make small talks. They want to be on your good side. They know what you are capable off. What power you hold in this world.

However, you don't care about these fuckers. You dropped by because you received a call from your wife's bodyguard that Y/N is not looking okay.

"Where is she?" You ask the man standing behind you.

"She just left the bar, Sir. And went out to the garden." He reply.

"I see."

One step, you just took one step and somebody already stands in your way to your wife.

"Look who's here."

"Sarang." You say her name, bitterly. You are not expecting her to be here.

"You have been ignoring my invites for quite some time now... I thought, helping others is one of your goals in life that's why you work 24/7?"

"I thought this event was by the Lee's?" You hiss at your male assistant.

"It is, Sir. By--"

"Lee Do-Hyun..." she cuts off the assistant. "My husband..." she proudly says. "Aww.. That kind a... hurts my feelings...that... you have no idea I got married..."

"I don't keep tab on people who's not important to me."

She scoffs but she sounded a bit insulted and her ego got hurt. But she's good at pretending that it didn't bothered her. "You say that now...but a few years ago... I was your muse..." she tries to move closer to you but your body guards stands in between quickly.

"Was." You look away from her and try to search for your wife through the window not far away from where you stand. "My mistake for socializing to a liar, back stabbing... leech like you." You say, then giving her a side eye. "I wish your husband good fortune... or that he loves spoiling you... or esle... he'll found out his wife's true color..."

You're about to walk away, again, but this bitch still wants to talk to you.

"You think... she'll not get tired of you? Of you controlling her? Especially getting married with you... with no love at all?" She snorts a laugh again. "Or maybe... she will not..." she mumbles under her breathe, "Now... It figures... why you picked someone from a low class family... someone with no choice but to stay with you because her family needs your money. I see..." she laughs again, "poor girl... if I were her, I would milk you all of your money so it will be worth it... after all she married a controlling, dominant, and a freaky person like you."

You know Y/N is not like her. She is a nice person. She's not into money like this bitch is. However, you do think about how Y/N thinks about you and her marriage to you.

You admit that you are very controlling when it comes to her. It is one of your negative trait that you cannot put away. It comes natural with you because of the life you have been brought up and your business. You want things to happen in your way and you are also possessive. You do try to controll it when it comes to her but you are not sure if you are doing it right.

Well how could you know, you never talk about it. Even with your wife. You never asked about her feelings and opinions.

"Watch your mouth." You mumble. "You might think you know me from the years we've been together. But you haven't seen half of what I can and would do... if anyone picks a fight with me.." you glare at her. "Consider this a warning."

[End of flashback from Yoongi's side]

*************

"Miss..."

Slowly opening your eyes, your eyes carefully adjusted to the light. You could see the ray of sunshine peaking through your dark thick curtains.

"Miss..."

You turn your head to the side and see your maid bowing.

"It's noon Miss..."

"Oh."

It has been a quite a few days now, since you start waking up this late. You are usually up early. You are a morning person. You also do jogs or walks around the property and sometimes go to the home gym to move, always. But something shifted in your routines.

You are tired, less motivated and no will to get up your bed.

"I think we need to call the family doctor now, Miss." The maid suggested. "You've lost a bit of weight and you look pale."

"I'm fine." You say as you push your duvet off your body and slide down off your bed. "I'll take a quick bath..." you mumble

"Understood." She is ready to come along with you.

"No... I'm fine... I'll just go alone... just prepare food for me please."

"But... Miss..." she usually prepares your bath and always stays with you there. After the little accident you had a year ago when you first experience a hot bath on the tub. You fainted because you fell asleep. Too much enjoyment and you forgot it is not good to stay long in there.

"I'll be fine." You smile and requested for her to leave

"Okay Miss... but... I will be back after half an hour to check."

"Sure."

You slept last night, wearing your silk robe and your fancy cream nightgown, his favorite. You were expecting Yoongi to come home last night as per usual schedule. But he didn't. He didn't even informed the staff that he'll not be home for a longer period.

What happened? You don't know.

The last time you talked to him was the night he asked you to come to his room and shower with him.

Everything that night was magical. For you atleast. But then you ruined it.

When you both entered his dark room, he immediately clung onto you. He held you like everything depends on it. It was more intemate and hungry than the usual and you liked it for some reason. After all the self doubt and insecurity you felt in the party, the intemacy made you feel more than what you feel.

And when he peeled off your dress from your body, you didn't expected him to go down on his knees and lick your soul out of your body. His tongue did more than you know he could do. It brought you to another level of high. And you didn't know you could screech like an animal because of it. He really made sure you are on cloud nine or even beyond that.

"Fuck me... please..." you begged him after you knees weakened and fall down the floor where he is.

"No." He said. He was sturn. "No request for tonight." He said and then he positioned you underneath him where he could properly see you crumble because of him.

"Y-yoongi... please.... I need... I want to come..." you begged

He brought you to cloud nine but then hold onto your pearls when you were about to orgasm.

"I'm punishing you right now..." he said as he lowers down and starts to run his tongue from your chest up. "Next time... don't wear any sort of revealing clothes...when I'm not around.. do you understand that Y/N?"

"Y-yes..."

"Another rule to add... are you okay with that?" He hummed the last words on your ears before he let both his hands squeeze your breast. "Answer me..."

"I don't... mind..." you were squearming underneath him. He was playing your nipples then. "I... I don't mind... Yoongi..." you repeated, pleading.

His punishment continued for another few minutes. It was too much. You were struggling catching your bliss but he's playing you. However, you are patient. You know his kinks and you know what he wants and so you do whatever and accept whatever. Coz you know it is from him.

"Scream my name." He grunted as he pounds you with no mercy.

You were holding on to his massive bookshelf on the wall, your legs were lifted and hanging over his forearm whilst he was thrusting deep in you. You were getting hurt from your back hitting the shelves but it didn't matter. You don't know why but for some reason you can endure everything just for Yoongi. Even pain.

"Nnggghhaaa..." you threw your arms around his neck as he went faster. "Please!" You cry on his neck. "Aaaahhh!!" You screamed the orgasm you have been keeping for a while. You felt relieved and content.

And as you two were catching your breath. You uttered words that surprised the both of you. You said 'I love you' to Yoongi.

It should not be a surprise. You two are married right. However since yours are different from others, those words were never said or mentioned ever after the wedding. It is like a forebidden phrase though there are no rule about it. It's like an unspoken deal that no one says those words since THIS.. YOU TWO... is just a fantasy. You two got together with no love. It is not real. You are just one of his property.

And so, after that night. That magical night for you ended up into this cold, quiet and empty prison. Again. You are back to nothing.

You thought you are on a journey escaping that confinement. You thought that something is going to change. You thought... that you were wrong about him. But who are you kidding? You were just having sex like you used to. It is nothing special. It is the same crap. So you saying you love him is... worthless.

"Did I even mean it?" You ask yourself as you lay down in your hot bath. "I said it... after sex.." you are trying to understand how those words slipped out of your lips. If it all just happened because of such high from the sex.

You can clearly remember how you said it. You paused, looked into his eyes and carefully said it. You know you said it with the intent for him to hear it but when you saw his reaction. It made you realize what a big mistake it was.

"Am I having feelings for him?" You mumble as you lower yourself more into the water. "I should not right?"

You know the answer to your own quesion. Look at him even ignoring you for almost two weeks now. Who are you even kidding thinking it will have an effect on him?

After the 'I love you' incident, He eat dinners without you or he let you eat first before he comes out of his home office. And then when he leaves, he does not inform you now. You just get the news of him flying off somewhere from your maid. Even his men are being cautious with you. He must've ordered them to be distant but at the same time protect you.

How funny that these are his responses to you. You know you deserve it but you're a little bit hurt, your not going to lie.

"Who am I for him to love?" You sigh. "Maybe... I should just prepare myself for the ending of this fantasy..."

*********

"Master." The maids bows as they suddenly sees Yoongi enter the main entrance while they are all cleaning.

Yoongi have not been home for a while. He has been... busy.

"Give them all my clothes." He says to his right hand man. "Sorry if it's quite a lot today." He then says to the maids as he removes his black coat revealing his white button up shirt, stained with blood. A lot of it. No one reacted to the visual that is shown. All the staff are used to it. They know how his world is.

"Where is she?" He asks as he loosen up his tie

All the maids in the corredor suddenly turn heads to the youngest one at the end of the line. She is Y/N personal maid.

"Master." She steps forwards and bows again. "Miss is in her bath."

Yoongi frowns. "Alone?"

"Ahm..." she suddenly stutters. "Sorry, Master! She... Miss wanted to... alone... but I told her after half an hour I will go back."

"How long has she been there?" He then throws his tie on the ground.

"Twenty."

"Okay." He takes a deep breathe and tries to collect himself. "Just go and be on standby in her room. She can't stay any longer."

"Okay, Master." She bows again and briskfully walk back to Y/N wing.

"Are you not going to... visit her Sir?" His male right hand asks. "She have been messaging you since..." he pauses for a bit. "And calling too."

He didn't answer. "Ready my bath please." He orders and just continue walking his way to his room.

"Understood." The man replies

"She can't see me like this." Yoongi mumbles as he walks

"I see..." his right hand man smiles at his master's response.

"Why are you smiling?" Yoongi asks, one eyebrow up.

"Nothing, Sir."

"Just spit it out."

The right man, Mr. Kim have been Yoongi's right hand man ever since he was in his teens. Mr. Kim saw him grew up and be the man that he is now. And for sure, if something changed he would be the first one to notice

And now, the tiny changes in Yoongi's mood and decisions, He might not know or see it but it is obvious for Mr. Kim. He knows it is something about his wife.

"2nd week of your marriage, Sir. She saw you coming home with a bloody lip and injured knuckles. You said you don't give a damn if she sees you looking like a murderer."

"So? What's your point?"

"It's just lately...."

Yoongi pauses and turns around to see Mr. Kim, wearing a smile.

"What are you implying? Just... say it."

Mr. Kim bows and says, "Nothing Sir."

"Hmmm..." rolling his eyes, he continued to walk.

*****

"Miss..." your personal maid rushes in your room, "Master have return." She says.

To her suprise, she sees you standing in the middle of the room, wearing your bathrobe and a towel in your hair already.

You take a deep breathe, not letting your eyes look away from the view you are seeing from your window, a clear blue sky.

"Miss.. shall I prepare your clothes?"

You close your eyes and then removed the towel wrapped around your long hair. "Please..." you softly answer

"What do you prefer to wear today, Miss?" She asks she she begins to walk towards your walk in closet.

"A black dress..." you say as you follow along. "Maybe the one with the longer sleeves."

She nods and then continues to search for the dresses you have that matches your description while you on the other hand looks at yourself in the full length mirror while you undress from your robe.

You stare at your body and see how you thin you are. Not super thin but thinner than what you used to.

It's your own fault. You have been skipping meals when you are stressed and it's not good.

"Miss?" She then lays three dresses on the sofa in the middle, for your choices.

"The middle one." You says.

You then open the drawer for your undies to grab a black lace matching underwear.

"Ahm, Miss...?"

"Yes?"

"Are you going to eat with Master, in the dinning today?"

"Hmm... what did he say?"

"Nothing. He just asked me to stay with you when I told him you are in your bath."

"Did he say if he wants to see me?"

The maid didn't answer.

"I guess not." You scoff as you getting into the dress. "Just bring my food in my study room. I'll eat there while I do some reading."

"Understood." She bows and exists the room.

"I'm not gonna wait for him anymore." You say to yourself while looking onto the mirror. "If he's going to avoid me or ignore me... then... that's what I'll do as well..."

Starring once again at yourself on the mirror, you look at your face and then your eyes goes down to your belly.

"I have to learn to go on with my life... with or without him..." you mumble. "I should start to escape this fantasy... a dream that maybe the 'us' will be something."

Part 3 - Twilight

[queerly-autistic]

My dad just messaged me going "seeing all this 'Save OFMD' stuff made me realise some things never change" and attached a load of pictures he'd dug up from fifteen years ago of me in my 'Save Ianto Jones' fan campaign era.

As much as it made me laugh, it also made me think about something that I've not talked about before: the fact that this is what introduced me to campaigning.

I was a very lost queer (undiagnosed autistic) kid, bullied and lonely and keenly aware that there were a lot of bad things happening in the world, but I had no idea how to begin to even try to change things, or even any awareness that there was anything I could do to change anything.

And then my favourite show killed off my favourite character, and I suddenly accidentally found myself swept up in the mobilisation (without even realising that that was what was happening) of the fan community around me. It's where I learned about the idea of campaigning as, y'know, a thing that I could do. It introduced me to the concept that I could actively try and do things to make a change I wanted to see in the world.

And now that's my actual literal real world adult job. This is what I do in my 9-to-5. Some of the skills I learned and developed at seventeen (and the lessons from the fuck-ups - oh boy there were many of those because I was seventeen) trying to get the BBC to un-dead my favourite bisexual welshman are skills that I now use every day to actually create change (such as writing persuasive emails to influence a specific target).

And I've also used them outside of the 9-5 in the smaller grassroots campaigns I've been involved with. For example, the skills I learned from a fan campaign when I was a teenager helped me play a small part in stopping the deportation of young autistic man, and potentially saved his life.

There's a HUGE amount of crossover/symbiosis between fan campaigns and 'real world' campaigning. A huge number of people involved in these fan campaigns are already involved in organising (or at the very least supporting/donating) for 'real world' issues. And, if they're not, then a fan campaign may well be their introduction to campaigning - a 'wow ok so I can actually do this' moment that inspires them to start pushing for change on other issues too.

It's fantastic if someone goes 'hey, I managed to call Netflix about picking up Our Flag Means Death, which has made me realise maybe I can also cope with picking up the phone to call my political representatives about [insert other issue here]' - and if the strategies they put in place to help them do the Netflix phone call also help them do the political phone calls as well, then that's absolutely brilliant.

The same with getting experience/confidence writing emails, or learning how to create and push a hashtag on social media, or realising the power of taking mass actions (like signing a petition). It even goes so far as inspiring people to follow up a fan campaign donation with an additional donation to a good cause, and helping direct them to some good charities/initiatives to donate to (because sometimes knowing which are the right ones to send your money too is very hard). These are all skills and experiences that can help build both confidence and understanding of how to get involved with campaigning for change, and these are absolutely transferrable to an infinite number of causes.

It's about people feeling empowered to take action: feeling like they can do it, that it's tangible to them as something they can do, and giving them the tools to do it. The endgame in real world advocacy and campaigning is getting stuff done: petitions signed, phone calls made, emails sent, donations collected, rallies attended.

And no one (outside of the internet moral purity police) cares if your journey getting there started with a fan campaign.

[beautifulpersonpeach]

sorry about bringing a sensitive situation to your blog again Bpp but I can't keep quiet. The way people are acting makes me very uncomfortable. All you said was that even tho you think a BTS boycott is misguided people can decide for themselves and that everyone will do what they want, you listed the Gaza charity you're donating to but someone is calling you brainless zionist for that?? When 'propalestine armys' are already saying BTS should be held accountable for 'making them feel unsafe'?

BTS???!!!???

It's reminding me of when people attacked you for 'not holding Jungkook responsible for sportswashing' during the Olympics. People came to your blog, a jikook blog, and were attacking you for not allowing them to call Jungkook a murderer!

If people want to boycott they should boycott without trying to solicit support and then attacking people, calling them zionists when they say they disagree with their method!! It's driving me crazy seeing what's happening. I'm from the US. I've marched in protests, written and called my representative, I skipped buying a new microwave and TV system I've been saving for because a portion of my income now goes to Palestine charities, I talk about Gaza everywhere, but 'armys' on twitter are calling me a zionist because I don't think it makes sense to punish j-hope for Scooter Braun. For V's new song I saw people checking the catering team to see if someone there was a zionist! They're doing background checks on the CATERING TEAM.

What will these people do if nothing changes by the time Jin comes back? How will they escalate things? They are getting more and more angry and already attacking the members Bpp you saw it yourself.

Please talk about this. I know you're avoiding this topic but please talk about this. I feel I'm going crazy Bpp. The hate is getting so much the thought of Jin coming back to this mess scares the fuck out of me. What are your genuine uncensored thoughts about this? What is the worst case scenario? I'm thinking of leaving the fandom until Jin comes back because this is too much!

*

Ask 2: BPP, the ask about the boycotts, what did you mean by focus on tannies is misguided? Its a hard topic so I understand if you want to avoid it but I'd appreciate if you can you explain why.

***

"It's reminding me of when people attacked you for 'not holding Jungkook responsible for sportswashing' during the Olympics."

I think you mean World Cup, lol.

Anyway, me not talking about it is less about me avoiding the topic, and more because I've talked about this before and really hate repeating myself. As I said back then, the way I see it, what's at the root of this issue is people demanding Collective Responsibility. I've talked about this on my blog for a long time.

I talked about it when ARMYs where saying Jungkook should be held accountable for Qatar's hate crimes;

I talked about it when someone sent me an ask about Black multis calling to boycott BTS during the Black Lives Matter movement;

I talked about it when people asked me why I still support BTS even though they work with Supreme Boi;

I talked about it when people asked me why I didn't boycott Jimin even though he worked with Bobby Jung;

I talked about it when people where saying BTS should be held accountable for ARMYs actions as a fandom;

I talked about it when I said I don't hold Taemin responsible for Shawols attacking Yeonjun and other idols who covered his songs.

...I've been talking about this for a long time on my blog. About how the issue at its root is using BTS and/or k-pop idols as a proxy to punish people actually responsible because it's simply easier to use BTS and/or idols k-pop stans already feel they have control over. There's really no point talking about this, because what's happening here is a bigger phenomenon than just Palestinian ARMYs wanting to hold HYBE and/or BTS accountable. It happens with artists and their fans generally, outside k-pop as well.

Like I said all those other times, Collective Responsibility (CR) perhaps isn't a phrase we've all heard before, but it's an impulse a lot of people have. It is also considered by ethicists to be demonstrably and fundamentally immoral, because it is punishing someone not directly responsible for the beliefs and actions of another person, as though they are responsible. It's an expression of Association Fallacy (AF), the worst examples of which show up in our society as genocides and holocausts. Also, a consequence of AF is that it leads to purity tests, because then anyone connected to the guilty party becomes fair game. It's how people can rationalize scrutinizing the catering team hired for a music video by a k-pop group to use as evidence of a Zionist infiltration conspiracy.

This is something particular to me, and it is that I strongly believe in holding the people actually responsible, responsible. Because once you start using proxies or expanding that locus of responsibility, an impartial application ropes in more people including those who actually aren't responsible, and so it demands people being selective about who they think should be scapegoated. And 9 times out of 10, people choose targets they feel they already have influence or control over. It's simply human nature.

Because we are talking about ARMYs, HYBE and BTS, I'll give three examples specific to the fandom.

One.

Last year when October 7th happened, myself and a few ARMY friends were talking about the fall out and predicted that what's happened since, would happen. But the focus of our discussion was led by some friends who are American. America is the largest funder of Israel. If we were to draw a tree map of who contributes the most to Israel's military complex among BTS, HYBE, and the fandom, it would be US ARMYs by virtue of their tax dollars, discretionary spending on brands like McDonalds and Remax (notice Starbucks is mentioned in that article exactly zero times), and university tuitions and academic membership fees as some of the largest funders of Israel are American universities. My friend, let's call her M, said last year that if the focus is to have an impact on the situation in Israel, the largest focus would have to be American-centric and on established institutions. These were the arguments she gave our group when people were calling for boycotts of Golden.

Fast-forward to Winter 2024, Israel's campaign in Gaza has escalated to a full on genocide, people are more angry, more restless, and more hungry for retribution. Calls for boycotts are louder. I don't want to single this person out so I won't mention them, but to drive home my example, I've noticed one of the ARMYs calling for boycotts of BTS is a UC Berkley professor - a university that has long documented direct ties to the Israeli government, as well as research in the West Bank, and she's a professor in a department that receives Israeli funding... UC Berkeley in general has been in the news as a focus point of Israeli-Palestinian clashes over the last 10 years and especially this year.

Now, personally I have no issues with this person as like I've said, just because she's associated with a guilty party paying for the government's actions in occupied territories, doesn't mean she is responsible. However, the minute you expand the locus of responsibility, to use the logic of proponents of the BTS boycott, the question then becomes why this person is able to compartmentalize their receipt of Israeli funding via their salary and their continued fee paying to a university with long ties to Israel, why they are demonstrably still patronizing several brands on the BDS list, but they are focusing their attentions on Scooter Braun and using BTS as the tool to do so. Granted, it would be far more difficult to divest themselves from a portion of their salary even though it comes from Israel, or to stop using many of the American brands on the BDS list. BTS on the other hand, although they contribute significantly less to Israel's campaign of violence, is a Korean band that simply constitutes a hobby for this person. BTS and HYBE are far easier ways for this person to express their hate of Israel via Scooter Braun, all they have to do is not spend their Israel-American funded salary on this hobby, and so this is where this UC Berkeley professor expends most of her efforts - leading the HYBE Divest from Zionism movement.

In contrast to my next two examples, we don't yet have a conclusion to this latest BTS boycott campaign.

Two.

In Spring 2020, the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement took off in the US and quickly became a worldwide campaign. Around the same time, Yoongi released D-2 and one of the tracks included a sample of Jim Jones' speech. Jim Jones was a psychotic cult leader responsible for the massacre of ~1,000 people at Jonestown, people he lured there under the pretense of a racial utopia where White, Black, and people of all races would be equal. Because of this promise, his followers were overwhelmingly Black. It is one of the worst mass deaths in US history, and it was the result of a sick White man hijacking the Civil Rights Movement. Still, Jim Jones' speech has been sampled in many works over the years, such as: Pretty Picture by The Used (an American band) which used the same sample speech as Yoongi, and Jonestown by Post Malone which had been released two years before Yoongi's song, also referenced Jim Jones. Both times these artists have referenced this atrocity without backlash or issue, and those are just two examples out of a very long list. That particular song by Yoongi had also been completed in 2019.

However, with the backdrop of the BLM movement, all it did was raise emotions to a nuclear pitch in a k-pop fandom where even the smallest issues become huge scandals. K-pop stans demanded a boycott of BTS and this included some Black multis and ARMYs. When BigHit released the statement and apology that it was a producer who had put it in, regrettably, Black multis strengthened their call for a boycott demanding that it would continue until Yoongi himself took responsibility, named the producer, and fired him. BigHit was declared a racist institution and every incident of Black erasure since then (such as Weverse articles) revives that assertion.

The fandom before Dynamite was far less fragmented than it is now, and so the response from the fandom was to rally behind Yoongi, and match BTS's US$1 million donation to the BLM movement. Several Black multis who didn't get their demands 'left' the fandom, and some became unabashed antis. Many of those Black k-pop fans support groups that worked with unapologetic racist white and Korean people during that time and since, groups they've not made the same demands of.

That was the conclusion of that BTS boycott campaign.

Three.

Many artists were dragged when it was revealed they would perform at the 2022 World Cup, because they were deemed as complicit in Qatar's human rights violations. They cited the Qatari government's history of hate crimes against LGBT+ people and minorities, and also the construction of the main stadium where thousands of migrant workers died due to inhumane working conditions. Some artists took that criticism to heart and dropped out. When it was announced that Jungkook would be singing Dreamers at the World Cup, people called for him to drop out and some fans called for boycotts of BTS until that happened.

Notably, many of these people didn't extend their calls to any of the teams actually participating in the World Cup. Many k-pop stans who called for Jungkook to drop out, themselves watched the World Cup. Several multi stans decided this was the final straw in what changed their perception of Jungkook as a good person, and in their support of BTS more generally, and unstanned.

Most ARMYs settled for 'condemning' Jungkook or expressing disappointment for HYBE's sportwashing, but again, it was interesting to see many of the same people happy and rooting for Son Heung-min. The response of the fandom to that boycott campaign was largely to ignore it, I suspect many people don't even know people called for boycotts.

That was the conclusion of that BTS boycott campaign.

**

Collective Responsibility is something some people are instinctively critical about, being careful of where to assign blame. It's why the only Korean company listed in the official BDS boycott list, is HD Hyundai, a company that sold machinery used demolish homes in Palestine; while a company like Samsung that invests in Israel and has an R&D center in Israel isn't on the BDS list, because there is yet to be a direct link between the work of that subsidiary and the loss of life in Gaza. Now, people are free to boycott Samsung if they want, but others are just as free to find the basis tenuous at best.

I keep saying people are free to do what they want, and it's perfectly natural and more than understandable if someone cannot stomach the idea of Scooter Braun working with BTS and decides to unstan them as a result - which, just like the other BTS boycott campaigns, is what I suspect will be the end result of this latest boycott if HYBE does not meet their demands to remove Scooter Braun this year. The music industry is filled with undesirables, and so long as BTS are in the music industry, they will work with them directly and indirectly. Everyone decides for themselves what they can tolerate - for example some people couldn't tolerate buying Angel by Jimin because a convicted rapist was featured on the song and they didn't want him to get their money, but they could tolerate buying and streaming Filter though it was also made with a convicted sex offender.

Personally, I was angry the Angel feature happened because it was one of Jimin's first solo American projects, one of his first introductions to the American public as a solo artist, and I felt he could've had a much better feature than someone many Americans already found distasteful. I believe I've been explicit about my dislike of Scooter Braun on my blog and about how I feel he is not the best partner for HYBE in the US. My views on his belief in the two-state solution and sentiments about Israel which he bases on being descended from Holocaust survivors, while admittedly complicated, only add to my dislike of him.

Still, I don't hold BTS responsible for him, and so I think any act to boycott BTS on his account is misguided. But this boycott campaign is what to expect from k-pop stans. It's happened before and will happen again because people feel the way they feel, at the end of the day. And because there's already a latent expectation in k-pop fandoms that you're entitled to a safe space in k-pop, and that companies cater to you. It's the flip side of the parasocial contract and how this industry has built insane levels of fan loyalty. It's why many of the people calling for BTS boycotts and HYBE divestment, aren't doing so for UMG, Atlantic Records, Warner Music, and a handful of other American labels and their artists who have more established ties to Israel than Scooter Braun.

As to my views on how HYBE could respond, I'm waiting till after the GSM on the 29th to form an opinion.

I hope this answered your questions and concerns, Anons. I'd genuinely prefer to not talk about this again.

[ask-vladimir-makarov]

This blog is going on hiatus until further notice.

This will be a long post. Please read it anyway.

I've gone back and forth on this for a while now. I've been dealing with health problems and real life responsibilities that make it difficult to keep up with my regular posting, let alone with projects like this, which is why I haven't posted in so long. However, in the end, I decided I don't want to anymore.

I like Vladimir Makarov, as a character. I’ve been drawn to him since high school. He’s an interesting character to pick apart and analyze, both in the context of his fictional world and the larger meta context of his place in the narrative and how he’s received by his audience, especially in the realm of fandom.

However, he's also a character who has canonically committed genocide against the Chechen people during the First Chechen War. He is a character who, during his operations as a terrorist, profits from genocide in the Global South, particularly on the continent of Africa. And his reboot incarnation is no better, having taken part in Barkov’s occupation of Urzikstan and seeking to reoccupy it—timeline discrepancies aside, this is the character Infinity Ward and Sledgehammer wrote. And it’s for a reason.

I can sit here and talk about the nuances of fiction and reality and what it means to like a fictional character all day. However, I cannot and will not run a fan blog for a fictional genocider when my country, the United States, is funding, conducting, and aiding and abetting in multiple genocides across the world. I cannot draw Makarov cheekily answering asks about his love life and personal tastes while people suffer in Palestine, in Sudan, in Congo and elsewhere. I cannot contribute to a fandom environment where colonialism, oppression, and genocide are glossed over, whether fictional or real.

I implore everyone who follows this blog, or who reads this post, to do something within your ability if you aren't already. Attend a protest, participate in strikes like the one currently underway, and contact your representatives and implore them to denounce genocide and apartheid. Boycott companies on the BDS list and give your financial support to those who need it, whether that means donating to trustworthy organizations, purchasing e-sims for people on the ground in Gaza, or donating directly to those in need. Buy your electronics used and refurbished, not new. Create art—draw, write, make music, whatever it is you do—in solidarity for the peoples affected by colonialism, apartheid, and genocide. If you use social media frequently, follow those affected by these conflicts, pay attention to the news they share. Take the time to put the present into context and educate yourselves on the history of these conflicts and the systems at play. Encourage others to do the same.

Here is a very small list of resources on Palestine, Sudan, and the DRC to get you started. I may add more links in the near future, but keep in mind this is no way meant to be exhaustive; it is imperative that y’all take the time to inform and investigate yourselves. I nor anyone else can spoon-feed the facts. I've linked directly to donation pages for some, but I encourage y'all to dig through their sites to learn more and find more resources.

🇵🇸 Eye on Palestine + Taawon Association + Palestinian Children's Relief Fund 🇵🇸

🇸🇩 NasAlSudan: The Sudanese Revolution + What is Happening in Sudan? 🇸🇩

🇸🇩 Darfur Women Action Group 🇸🇩

🇨🇩 Friends of the Congo + their Resource Center 🇨🇩

>> kandakat_alhaqq on Twitter also has an extensive linktree of resources on many countries and groups in need of aid, including Sudan and South Sudan, Palestine, Somalia, Congo, Libya, Afghanistan, Yemen, Syria, Morocco, and the Uyghur people Some of the links I've already listed here.

>> Genocide Watch tracks genocide around the world. They have a list of reports by region and many resources on educating oneself about genocide, including a breakdown of the Ten Stages of Genocide.

Finally, as fans of Call of Duty, it’s important to acknowledge and reckon with the fact that these games are military propaganda. I’ve seen this refrain passed around the fandom time and time again, but very rarely do I see it actively engaged with; most often it’s used as a way of dismissing the game’s narratives in favor of doing whatever one wants with the characters. And as someone who’s made it My Thing to do whatever I want with the characters while also staying cognizant of the themes of the stories these characters come from, I’m going to challenge y’all to do the same.

Engage with the propaganda.

Take the time to analyze and deconstruct the games and their themes and pay attention to what viewpoints they’re encouraging. Pay attention to who you, the player, will have your guns pointed at most often, and why.

(Also, please please PLEASE watch Jacob Geller's excellent video, "Does Call of Duty Believe in Anything?")

And for those of us who like Makarov the character, take the time to educate yourselves on the very real things this fictional character was involved in, whether in the context of the original trilogy or the ongoing reboot. Put the present into context. Consider the role this character plays in the narrative, and why.

Do these things privately and publicly. Post about it alongside whatever else you share in fandom, whether that's art, fanfic, headcanons or meta analysis. Discuss it with your fellow fans.

I may one day come back to this blog, or I may not. Please do not hold your breath either way—this blog was a short and fun thing while it lasted, but to me, paying attention to the real world and treating these games with the gravity and depth they require is a more important use of my time. None of us are free until all of us are.

Thank you to the kind people who've followed this blog and sent asks, and thank you for reading this post all the way through.

I’ll see y’all downrange.

[gaykey]

i’ve heard a couple of people say that kibum has changed for the worse recently, how can you tell? is it because of the mcd thing, his multiple brand deals, or even before that?

you say he doesn’t care about idol image and isn’t afraid of speaking up, but i think that’s only to a certain degree. he speaks up about things he knows he won’t get in trouble for, like how sm needs to do better (nobody likes that company anw) but speaking against the brands he represents is a whole different thing, or the hyuna thing (i think lots of people already talked about how he as a celeb needs to act in front of the camera). unless i missed something, i don’t see him (or anyone in shinee) talk about palestine or any other political issues. celebrities have always avoided that, sadly.

and if people still think he doesn’t know, suho posted on ig story the other day about an auction market for children of gaza. i know shinee has always been silent about their charity work but i hope they will be vocal about donating to palestine if they do it.

yeah, i've said this a frew times now, but before all this, there wasn't anything abput jim that i'd noticed that had changed.

of course now, my perception of him has changed, and i'm guessing it's the same with a lot of other people. he seems different to us.

true yeah - i guess he has always sort of called stuff out in a safe way? he seems to have it good in sm, so he call talk shit about them if he wants...

and see that's exactly the kind of thing i mean. somethign small is all it would take. well done to suho for being one of the very very few actually willkng to talk about ir, let alone doing something for the cause.

the amount of impact it would have if kibum, or any of the members, just put something small on their story.

[gorillawithautism]

related to lrb (but a separate post because i don't wanna derail):

i do worry that i'm not doing enough. i do feel ashamed that i am unable to do more. i'm unable to protest due to disability. i'm unable to strike from work because i don't have a job. i don't really use bds target products anyway, so while i am more intentional about avoiding them than i would be otherwise, my boycotting doesn't mean much. i don't have any means of distributing art.

basically what i'm saying is that i'm all talk.

but the thing is, talk is better than silence. if all i can do is talk on social media then i will do that. if all i can do is donate every once in a while then i will do that. if all i can do is offer my shoulder to my palestinian friends then i will do that. if all i can do is try to convince my dad that zionism is wrong then i will do that even if i don't think i'll really get through to him. if all i can do is spread news of protests to the people who can actually go out and protest then i will do that. if all i can do is contact representatives then i will do that even if i think they won't listen to me anyway. if all i can do is talk then i will do that.

when i start to feel like i'm not doing enough, there's a few things i do with that feeling:

👍 i can remind myself of all that i am already doing.

👍 i can think of what more i can do and let my feelings serve as a reminder to push myself further if it's at all possible, or alternatively, make sure i'm not feeling down because i've neglected my own needs.

👍 i can find a nonpalestinian loved one to confide in, such as one of my partners

👎 i can find a palestinian friend or even a stranger and vent to them about how standing for their liberation is sooooo hard. i can ignore their grief and pain caused by this genocide and instead prioritize my own feelings. i can show them that the feelings of a white usamerican jew matter more than their own people's genocide

obviously the first three are all great options! but the fact that i see palestinians on this site consistently speaking about being the brunt of the fourth option shows that a lot of nonpalestinians don't agree. why don't you think those are great options? why don't you utilize those options? do you stop to think about how the person on the other end of things feels? do you care about how they feel?

be normal im begging you

[fakeshibe]

thought i should mention incase it wasn’t already clear, I am fully on the side of the Palestinian people. Free Palestine. And no, being pro-Palestinian freedom does not mean being pro-Hamas.

Religious hatered should never be a part of the conversation, and I condemn antisemitism as heavily as I condemn islamaphobia. Additionally, it’s important to remember that the actions of the IDF do not reflect the ideals of all Jewish people the same way that Hamas does not represent all Muslims or even all Palestinians. The last election in Palestine happened before the average Palestinian could walk or talk, let alone vote in an election (average age in Palestine is i believe 18 years old, the last election was in 2006). The collective punishment of Palestinians for the actions of Hamas is a war crime, the decimation of Gaza and the West Bank is a deliver attack on civilians, and when combined with the shutting off of water, humanitarian aid and food is an act of genocide. The international community must condemn the actions of the Israeli government and move towards peace before it’s too late.

I’ll be donating to a humanitarian aid charity later, and I’ll link any good charities or reputable donation sites I find. (Update: I ended up donating to the Tiltify campaign Hasanabi is organising through his twitch community as it's being divided between several charities who will use it to help civilians in Palestine. The link is here. Or in text form, here: https://tiltify.com/@hasanabi/palestinian-medical-assistance)

Proof of donation: (I know it's not a lot but I hope it'll help, especially since there's 2x donation matching at the moment. I'm not adding this as an 'ooh look at how good a person I am for giving money!!!!', I'm adding it to prove that I'm not just saying this, I'm following through on my words and actually taking action to make a difference. I hope seeing that I've done this might motivate someone else to do the same.)

I’ve already had many, many conversations with friends about this. So I am no longer up for debating or hearing out arguments against this position. Thanks.

Scotland stands in solidarity with Palestine, always has and always will. 🇵🇸🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

[tlgtw]

-- Calderas? --

Here's something I've been chewing on for fun:

The presence of basalt in and around the Altus Plateau depicts, specifically, that it was made by a volcano. Mt Gelmir is way too small and way too young of course, to be the one responsible for having formed the region of Altus. So where's this volcano that did make it?

How conspicuous…! That huge crater-ous lake we find the city of Leyndell built inside of! Built out from, in fact. As the path before the Forbidden Lands shows us, along with the Divine Bridge, the outermost buildings of Leyndell are all partly built underwater! (Notably excluding all the buildings already on raised dry ground around the lake's center--what would perhaps be a caldera's 'resurgent dome' in this scenario--supporting mostly the wealthier gold-roofed districts of Leyndell, specifically. All of which, made of stone as they are, surviving far less-charred than the various wooden structures burnt up by Gransax's attack, for whom only their overcooked frames remain. Perhaps all of these buildings were simply lucky enough to have been on stable ground. Unlike, perhaps, where every building we don't see was built upon. Between the some-40% of Leyndell's surviving structures that we play through and the giant sealed door from the inner wall, now mere empty space above the lake, and so on.)

And the appearance of those mountainsides to Leyndell's north, east, and south.

…

If, then, Leyndell is in-fact built in the caldera of this 'Altus Volcano,' what could that make the long vertical passage leading to the Frenzied Flame Proscription, the very bottom of the Subterranean Shunning-Grounds? What would that make the area known as the Deeproot Depths, where the Nox had built their now-nameless Eternal City 1!? Or the Siofra and Ainsel rivers that descend from it, where the Nox later built the twin Eternal Cities of Nokron and Nostella…!?

The mural above the Erdtree's door, past the Elden Throne, depicts the Erdtree and the Elden Ring in sequence as if they all make up the body of some kind of arrow. The question wavers as to what exact in-universe object or concept this 'arrow design' is supposed to be narratively representing: The shooting star referenced in the Elden Stars incantation? A weapon of war to symbolize the Golden Order's invasion?

I think, though, that a better question is this: What, or where, is this 'arrow' supposed to have pierced?

After all, if there really was a massive volcano like this, to have carved out the underground rivers, and built the Altus Plateau, what's made it extinct? Ordinary tectonics, from millions of years ago? Or something 'outside,' far more recent!?

It's really something to glare at, I find.

I talk about this in more detail along with a few other things in one part of the upcoming Episode 2 for ERwSET.

And at this point, barring any kind of disaster happening, I can guarantee 100% that it will be out before the beginning of May. I will admit to hoping--I'm not crazy enough to say 'expect' just yet--that it will instead be out long before that day. But "before the beginning of May" I think I can now say is absolute. (Donate to my OF so I can afford to make it faster!!)

At the very least, Episode 2's production is progressing very very well. And is shaping up, I reckon, to have an actual chance at really blowing some people's heads off upon release. I hope it isn't just my imagination, but time will tell in time.

In any case, I've decided on bringing special attention to this idea now on account of us finally having a name for Elden Ring's DLC. With a title like "Shadow of the Erdtree," I think, we'll now have some damn-decent odds at finding out about the Lands Between's earlier days, and the actual genesis of this organism, the 'Erdtree,' itself.

It's all very very exciting.

I'll Be Yours, T-L-G-T-W

[clowngames]

First, be aware that this "stages" list is not absolute. Some stages can be skipped, some can be swapped in order, and there's no real timeline at which this must happen. In fact, we could get to 7 and the whole thing could fizzle out.

In short, this can be prevented. Maybe not necessarily by us. Long post incoming.

In my view, two things would need to happen for this to be prevented. I think it's very possible that both happen, but neither of them are especially immediately reassuring.

All or most of these bills must fail. Every republican state is working on its own little genocide track, and while "just move" isn't the best solution to the problem of "existing in public in this state is a felony" it's at least marginally more reasonable if there are states you can move to.

Republicans have to lose soundly in the next election, in the house, in the senate, in local elections, they have to lose badly.

Here's the thing: this isn't actually unreasonable. Republicans are campaigning on a pro-genocide platform that their voter base doesn't actually want. Republican voters oppose these bills. While republican voters may not like trans people as much as we'd like them to, they're sick of hearing about them. Republicans have issues that they'd like to be addressed, and politicians and news folks are just flat out ignoring everything else.

They can't do with trans people what pro-genocide folks do with their targets and blame all current problems on them, because there just aren't enough trans people out there. So they just can't convince their voter base to get as passionate as is required.

At least, that's what the numbers imply, and that's what I hope is true and will stay true past the election season.

Now "go vote" feels like a hollow sentiment to prevent a whole-ass genocide, but Republicans need to lose this next election. Not just because they won't be in power to enact these evil laws, and not just because we can barely rely on Democrats to repeal whatever ones do get passed, but also because it will be a signal to them that they bet on the wrong horse. That going after trans people isn't actually the strategy to get votes. That will prevent them from putting so much money down on this issue in the future.

Ok, so I talked about #2. Let's talk about the more immediate #1 - these bills need to fail.

How can you and I increase the likelihood of making sure they fail? The best shot we've got is to communicate with our representatives. That means calling them, mailing them, letting them know where we stand on this issue. Calling it genocide might not be a rhetorically effective tactic when talking to someone who isn't already on your side, but when you call a senator/house member, you get their secretary who really only relays the fact that you took x position on y issue - it's the calls in bulk that are really important.

This is not to convince our legislators that genocide is wrong, its to convince them that it's unpopular. The more people are involved, the more successful this will be. Get your parents to call too, separate calls each.

Protests are also effective for this, though they tend to be reactive rather than proactive, and I've seen in my own lifetime conservatives spin protests into arguments about how aggressive and violent progressives are. At this point, who cares? Riots are the language of the oppressed.

You can also consider donating to pro-LGBT political groups. I haven't vetted them so someone else can chime in if they want but the National Center for Transgender Equality and the Human Rights Campaign are two orgs that can help fight on our behalf, according to a brief google search. They both have some resources for getting involved in other forms of activism. Again, doing anything is better than nothing.

So now let's talk about the contingency plan: If we can't stop the genocide, we can do damage control.

The above advocacy groups, as well as various other charities, are good to donate to at any time to help trans people even in the worst case scenario. Those groups will adapt to the situation and shift focus to help trans folks survive as much as they can, and they'll be smarter about it than me. You don't have to donate your money, you can find out how personally to get involved.

You're also going to want to find some allies who you can trust to help you if shit goes south. People who can take you in if the laws become economically devastating instead of just physically devastating. People who can protect you if things get worse than that. It might be your family, it might be friends. If you don't have any close cis friends, make them now.

To the cis people reading this, be those allies as much as you physically can. Help trans people by doing all the above activism shit within your own ability. Trans people need your help now more than ever, and in the next few years even more than now.

Know that you don't have to be a friend to be an ally. You could personally hate the guts of every individual trans person you've met, but if you agree as most people do that these bills are going too far, you need to be vocal about that in the same ways I outlined above.

I'll end with as hopeful a message as I can: You can't kill transness, just like you can't kill homosexuality. These republican politicians, and the voters that enable them, are gonna have trans kids, just as they once had gay kids. They're going to learn, eventually, that you can't convert someone. And someday the idea of trying will be so unpopular no one will suggest it.

That may not be soon, unfortunately. It might not be in our lifetime, though I have to believe it will if we make it that far. In the meantime, do everything you can to survive. The generation that will live to see peace needs us to fight.

I feel like US conservatives went from a 3/4 to 7 on transgender people over the course of a year and a half.

Basically, if this passes, the state Florida will take away your children if you are transgender or one of your children is transgender (as the bill notes it will take away cis children if they have a trans sibling).

Absolutely monstrous.

[farbeyondthepalehorizon]

Washington, D.C. queer café and bar As You Are. is currently having a fundraiser to help them stay open after some financial setbacks. It's such a special space for the LGBT+ community in D.C., and since I've seen many people on tumblr talk about how we need spaces like this, it would be really nice if you all could share and donate.

Here's the message from the founders on their GoFundMe:

Hello Friends, As You Are. (AYA) DC is in need of urgent support. Many of you may already know who we are and for those of you who don't, we are the only Queer safe space of our kind to our knowledge. AYA is a cafe, bar & dance floor that hosts diverse programming nearly every night of the week including; social sport leagues, Queer youth socials, weekly karaoke, book clubs, open mics, Queer author events, dance parties, and much more! My wife Jo, and I are the co-founders of this Queer haven in Capitol Hill, DC and our entire team is a part of executing the mission of AYA existing to hold and cultivate a safe space for the LGBTQIA+ community. While this community is our priority, everybody is welcome to join us in lovingly celebrating our magnificent Queer culture. We have faced some particularly tall and costly hurdles that have set us back significantly since the beginning. As we are tapping every resource we can imagine with creativity and open minds we need urgent assistance. The funds raised will go toward catching up on overhead costs and debts incurred during a slow season at the close of last year. While AYA has seen a significant increase in customer traffic and revenue that is promising moving forward the funds raised will be applied immediately to saving AYA from closure. As You Are is the fruit of our community's labor, love, and loyalty. Together we have built a safe haven for so many from every part of the LGBTQIA+ community and our allies. Our team is committed to keeping the Queer community safe through fierce protection of the atmosphere and culture, diversifying our menu and programming to serve people from all walks, and keeping our space and services accessible and affordable. The team at AYA is made up of deeply invested Queer people that represent across many intersections and have contributed to the culture in ways there are not words to describe. Many of you know and love them, I know Jo and I sure do! We would be remiss not to shout them out and thank them for making AYA what it is with their love and due diligence. If you're in a position to help, we would be so grateful. With love, always, Coach

[transienturl]

strange things to be inspired by a dream: hypothetical apology by a tv personality for using hurtful language on-air

Hey, guys. I want to apologize for the language I used on air last night: to those it's most hurtful to especially, but to every viewer who heard my comments and everyone who's not a viewer of our show who's gonna have been exposed to this due to the coverage too. And you know who that goes double to, who that goes triple to? The people who aren't bothered, aren't offended; the people who think this kind of stuff is fine. It's not—not today, not ever. Having people like me who have a platform talk like it is, even in passing, sets us back. It makes people, wonderful people, want to hide who they are—I'm not okay with contributing to that. And the reason I say this goes triple for the people who think they don't care is that you almost certainly know many of those wonderful people, whoever you are, whether you're aware of it or not. Whoever you are, the fact that you live in a society with this kind of ugly thinking, where this kind of ugly thinking is sometimes treated like it's not a big deal or that it's inevitable? That's hurting you. That's hurting you directly. We should never accept halfhearted apologies for this shit because the consequences are real. People shouldn't have to grow up in a world where they feel like who they are affects how much they're loved—by their friends, their family, their god if they believe in one... or by some guy on TV. Or by their sports heroes, the people they watch up here every night. I know sometimes we in the sports world get a pass on this sort of—look, it feels and is ridiculous to use a blanket term like "cultural issue," but I have to—but we get a pass on this kind of thing because it's "just sports," because sports doesn't really matter, because we're paid to compete and talk about competing, not to be politicians. Whatever. That's bullshit, okay? You shouldn't accept that, and I shouldn't accept that, and I'm upset with myself for contributing to it, for all the takes I'm already seeing defending my comments along those lines. Sport gives us a platform. Sport lets us represent our fans, our cities, our countries. It's our job to do everything we can—within the rules—to win on the field. But it's also our duty to do everything we can as members of this community, as friends to those we know and don't know, to fight for the people who are unfairly victims of this hate that should have died a long damn time ago. Don't accept otherwise, not because we're 'just' sports. Hold us accountable. Please. I wanna say thank you to everyone who's made their voice heard the right way, here, whether it's about me personally or not.

And I want to apologize to another group of people: my old teammates, everybody I shared a locker room with. I'm sorry my comments make it sound like we had a culture of hate back in those days. And I'm sorry to those of you who were hurt by some of the language we did use in the locker room. I'm pissed, honestly, at myself, you know? Because there was always this voice in my head that was like, I've gotta stop this, I've gotta stop this, and the excuse was, you know, I'll stop once I leave the league. And obviously I didn't quite succeed at that—but more importantly, that's not enough. That's not fair to the people I was with in the moment. If you find yourself in that locker room or wherever it is that those things get said behind closed doors, and you find yourself thinking, you know, now's not the time to speak up, to be better: nah man, just do it. Be brave. That's the bravest thing you can do. Trust me: it sucks way more to be thinking back on stuff you let slide years later, okay? Don't do that to yourself. Don't do it to your friends, to your loved ones, to the strangers who overhear you. It's not okay. Don't listen to anybody—anybody—who makes you feel like it is.

(Oh, and I'm donating a bunch of money. Please consider joining me.)

[sxorpiomooon]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS

Remember that these might or might not resonate with you bc as mentioned above they are MY observations so don't come and cry in the replies saying it dosen't resonates with you and also aspects are very important.

- women who have their jupiter in the 3rd house might've already heard about their husband even before the marriage it's like even if they've never seen each other faces they've heard about each other.

- people with their 7th house ruler in 5th house might end up marrying someone they randomly got into a relationship with for fun lmfao

it's almost like you make a bet with your friend and damn the next thing you know y'all married💀

- i might get hate for this but people with the 1/7 rahu ketu axis might have no opinions over things they might even appear shallow to others bc of it.

- another things these people have the best eyes lmfao fr

- scorpios are OBSESSED with the idea of jealously, envy and revenge it's almost like that's what keeps them going. Alot of scorpios I've met including me might actually sometimes want to do good in their life simply for revenge.

- I've never met a single scorpio who's embarassed of being a scorpio

- I've noticed that alot of saturn retrograde people have an absent father figure (either dead or like no contact)

- look at the sign your 4th house and where the lord of your 4th house is in your D1 chart to see your family life and if you wanna know about your life in your like after marriage home you gotta see the sign your 4th house has and the ruler of your 4th house in your d9 chart.

Someone who has sun in their 4th house of d9 chart might have ego issues in their house like the fights in the house might be bc of the huge ego that every family member has

- people who have mars in their 4th house might've experienced physical abuse or might've had to struggle in their own house to get basic necessities

For example someone with mars in their 4th house might have had alot of siblings and probably had to even struggle to make a place for them in their family

- people with saturn in their 4th house were the kids that were told that they talk like a old soul, no its just childhood trauma

- look at where your 6th house lord is placed to see how you will be contributing to the society

For example someone who has their 6th house ruler in the 12th house might help people with mental health issues might donate in the mental health charity etc

- 5th house= 1st kid, 7th house= second kid

- to see how your parents see you check what sign their 5th house( if you are the first kid) and 7th house( if you are the second kid) the sign it has is most likely to represent how they see you

For example my mother has pisces in her 7th house so it means that she sees me as someone who's very creative, spiritual and someone deeply connected with mental health etc

- people with 7th house ruler in 2nd might marry someone they already know, someone that was introduced to them thru their own family

- 7th house ruler in 7th can indicate arrange marriage or like a marriage that might start as a business contract if yk what i mean(fake marriage trope)

- people with mars in 2nd house might have a very sexy voice along with anger issues and impulsiveness (if that's a word) yes

- with that said, people with virgo in their 2nd house tend to have very beautiful voices

For example Selena gomez

- people who have sun in their 12th house in d10 chart might become very popular in foreign lands

For example Rihanna

- i remember reading somewhere that "maybe the reason pisces risings tend to act so old is bc they're the last zodiac sign and this is probably their last life" idk where I read it tho

- for your spouse proffesion find your d9 chart and then look at the sign the 4th house has and where the lord of 4th house is placed

- no bc it's always the sag placements making fun in very unusual situations PLS STOP

- another thing bro cancer risings will legit cry ANYWHERE like bro wtf we are standing in a line pls stop crying????

- sag main placements tend to have a big mouth?? And also good teeths and smile??

- gemini 🤝 sagittarius

" Ayo let's jump off this cliff for fun🤩🤩"

- the love geminis have for words is unbelievable

- cancer moons tend to have a very weird relationship with their mothers??? It's like yes bro ilysm but pls stay away from me??

I can't stop thinking ab how this might be bc cancers ruler is moon itself so cancer is staying in its own sign for so long it almost starts to suffocate

- bro can y'all fucking start talking about what a fucked up placement Pluto conjuct moon is??? Bc ffs these people NEVER have anyone supporting them god people always up their ass 🙄

- is your moon in scorpio???? Did your mother had to go thru something very transforming when you were born??

Look at the house it's in and where it's lord is placed for example I have moon in my 10th house of career and reputation with it's ruler in the 2nd house of finances so when I was born my mother had to leave her job which she very much loved and ofc she lost her financial stability too

- Aries moons are kinda bratty ngl I've seen alot of Aries moon that are very ungrateful towards their mums

- cancer placements have victim complex

- saturn in 12th people might have enemies they never suspected like people might hate on them and they would have absolutely NO IDEA god pls if you have this placement stop being so naive and take care

- sun conjuct saturn people might struggle alot with authorities or older people, they might have alot of issues with their own teachers as they might come off as very egositic(tbh they are💀)

- people with 1/7 rahu ketu axis in d9 chart dream about their fs often and might even pick up on their energy without even trying

- mars in 10th house might show someone who has to fight alot for their career especially men

- lol how many friends have y'all ever had in total saturn in 11th house people???🤡

- look at the sign of your 11th house and where it's ruler is placed to see how people on the internet see you

My 11th house has sag which is a carefree sign who dosen't really has the reputation of being committed to anything, people don't take sags seriously and see them very lively and lmao and it resonates with my image on here + it's ruler in the 8th house of sudden events and if you actually follow me on here you'd notice that I say "hi" and then disappear for weeks 🥳

THIS IS ALL I HAVE FOR NOW, THANKYOU<333

Checkout my paid readings!!

[is-the-primate-vid-cute]

(In response to the recent ask about pet primates) What even is the point of having a ”pet” if you just keep it outside in a cage, don’t even interact with it aside from feeding and even then it’s only for a brief period of time, or even letting it out of the cage? If you’re so afraid of an animal escaping, maybe consider the fact that there’s something wrong with the enclosure and they want something bigger. If you can’t care for an animal, you should give it to someone who can.

It seems like they just had the animal to say ”yeah i have a monkey as a pet which makes me cool not that I actually care for it” rather than genuinely loving and caring for her. Having primates as pets is already a bad thing but straight up neglecting and ignoring it is even worse 😡😢

Well I actually think the problem is more complicated than this. In a perfect world, primates would not be sold as pets. Unfortunately they are, and there's little to no resources once that exchange takes place.

The primate pet owners I've met were people who absolutely did love the animal. They tried their best to give their animal a good life and many people realized less than a year into ownership that it's just not possible in a home. Which is why I ended my post with information about supporting sanctuaries. Once these owners realize they can't provide the best life for the animal, many are stuck trying to care for the animal for years while they are actively trying to find somewhere to home them! What happens in the meantime? The illegal nature of the keeping and selling of these animals means baby monkeys go home with people who know nothing about monkeys and just saw a cute face. There's no screening, training, or classes. Maybe a 15-45 minute chat with the breeder and you have a baby monkey in your lap who's depending on you now.

When the monkey or ape attack you and your loved ones, what can you do? When they start being destructive or harming themselves, where do you go? Zoos don't take animal surrenders. Animal shelters don't take exotics. Sanctuaries are very often at full capacity. There's very little vet care or boarding options. These poor animals and the people who absolutely should not have gotten the animal are now essentially stuck together. Many primate pet owners I met told me of other pet monkeys they knew who died in human homes. Some "euthanized" by their owners. Some wasted away or died suddenly of unknown origins. Again, vet care for pet primates is incredibly expensive and difficult to find.

The problem here is not the people who own primates, as much as I would love to put the blame on them. That's not to say they have no culpability in the situation; you should always properly research before purchasing a pet.

But the larger problem here is the pet trade in general. Those "cute" baby monkeys you see on Insta or TikTok with thousands of comments saying "I want one!!" "Aww so cute!", Etc. These videos directly drive the demand for primates as pets. Therefore, the demand to breed monkeys for sale, and the supply of wild animals into the breeding/sale industry. The people who provide these animals are to blame for the thousands of primates failed and human lives damaged.

Luckily many pet primates find homes in sanctuaries and are able to live a full life. Some are less lucky and the owners themselves are only partly to blame for that animal in their home.

Ask your representative to support the Captive Primate Safety Act, donate to sanctuaries, share information about the truth of pet primates, and talk to your loved ones who share cruel primate media unknowingly!!

[papaiyatree]

rant about ph politics bc there is no character limit here and i know that there's no way a b/bm apologist is here :

God the elections is only 4 days away and the attitude of the Filipino people are so fucking disheartening. Misogynists who outright say that they chose a male candidate instead of the overqualified female candidate bc they believe "Women should just be on the bed", grown ass people telling minors to stfu about the elections since they aren't voters yet (as if we wouldn't be one of the most affected by whatever new governance is coming), people left and right calling people terrorists just because they don't agree with them (knowing that people have been killed because of red-tagging) and more.

And at this point, I can say it's just a battle for their pride bc the people i was talking about actually support the son of late dictator, Ferdinand Marcos. They keep saying the mistakes of the father is not the mistakes of the son but you wanna know something too? the son has his OWN faults too. And plus, it's not like marcos jr. even acknowledges the atrocities that has been done during the era of marcos. It's not like he shows initiative to return the money they stole from our country (which amounts to 203 billion php) all he does is provide negotiations where he's all like "once you elect me as [position] I will return the money". And not to mention, they somehow keep saying the sins of the father isn't the sins of the son and yet... the achievements are? Not to mention, even the big classy buildings that have been established by late dictator Marcos were owed to countries abroad. And we are still paying the Marcos Familiy's debt till this day.

And the amount of fake news getting around too is the absolute worst! I saw someone say the Aquinos ruled over the Philippines for 30 years which like??? What alternate universe do you live in??? There were only 2 Aquinos who became president. Cory Aquino and Pinoy Aquino and they both ruled for 6 years only. Therefore the Aquinos have only ruled this land for 12 years. They have been so propagandized holy HECK.

And like, the way the people fighting for first place is either ms. VP Leni Robredo (Formerly a PAO (Public Attorney's Office) member, HOR (house of representatives) Member, and as you can tell : Vice president) and Bong Bong Marcos jr. is SO frustrating. Like it's really either we win BIG TIME with Leni Robredo because her credentials and track record speaks VOLUMES of how she'll actually do what's listed in her INCREDIBLY concise and precise platform, or we'll lose big time with Sen. Bong Bong Marcos who barely did anything with 20 years work in Ilocos Norte's local office and passed ONE bill only as senator. FUCK sen. Leila De Lima who is still in jail rn due to the fact she went against President Rodrigo Duterte's bloody brutal drug war HAS DONE MORE THAN HIM. SOMEONE IN JAIL WAS ABLE TO DO MORE THAN SOMEONE WHO WASN'T. THAT'S HOW BAD WE MIGHT LOSE WITH BBM AS PRESIDENT. Like we could've had a competent vs less competent but okay fight but it just HAD to be competent vs if this guy wins the philippines will crumble apart.

Could've been Leni Robredo vs Ka Leody (my second choice <33), Leni Robredo vs Ping Lacson (I don't like him at all but at least he's got accomplishments and a degree), Leni Robredo vs Isko Moreno (Corrupt, pocketed all the money donated to him the moment the donations weren't something that he could use for manila BUT AT LEAST WE SAW IMPROVEMENTS IN SOME PARTS OF MANILA.) and all THAT but it HAD to be this way huh?

Every single accomplishment of BBM has been fake news, even the fucking little milo taekwondo champion is fake, how're we supposed to expect an honest leader when lies even about the smallest of things??? The Ilocos Norte windmills?? WERE PRIVATE WORKS DONE BY PEOPLE FROM ABROAD. (If i remember correctly, Switzerland and the US??? I think?)

And not to mention his supporters' nasty attitude. I've already stated the misogyny but also they use the whole "The victors write history" AS IF WE DIDN'T WIN IT. AS IF WE DIDN'T WIN THE FIGHT AGAINST MARCOS. AS IF IT WASN'T THE FILIPINO PEOPLE WHO WON. They twisted the phrase into something SO disgusting. I even saw someone say it was one-sided to only believe the victims of the Martial Law! I saw people say that we shouldn't trust the victims immediately! it's DISGUSTING AND I AM TIRED.

And also if this man becomes president? He will completely revise history. They've been revising it since 2016 ("coincidentally" around the time BBM became senator) and it's only gonna get worse for us there. Not to mention I truely believe we'll come back to the days of Martial Law because it was his MOTHER who told him to run. Imelda Marcos who was able to have her fun during Ferdinand Marcos' martial law era. (Also he watched ant man which like. ew. ant man stole money from the rich to return it to the poor, your family stole money from the poor to never return it ever. u and scott lang are not the same asshole)

But I will never understand them for not even trying to ask why so many of the most well-educated people, schools and all that are supporting and endorsing VP Leni Robredo. Like two of the Miss Universes we've had? Pia Wurtzbach and Catriona Gray? For Leni. The most prestigious schools of the country : University of the Philippines, Ateneo, Miriam College, DLSU and more? For Leni. In fact there was a game (Forgot which sport it was) but they all united with the color pink for the first time in history to show support for Leni Robredo. The cheerleaders united in support for Leni Robredo. The audience chanted for Leni-Kiko (Kiko is Leni's selected choice of Vice President). Why is it so hard to ask why the most educated of the educated of this country have their vote for her? Because I would be asking it if I weren't a Leni-Kiko supporter. Not to mention the economists, the environmentalists, the human rights activists, most of them are for the Leni-Kiko tandem. Ask yourself why this is! Find out why this is! It's that simple!

Also more ranting : I can't believe BBM supporters have the audacity to say that Leni can't defend us against China when their candidate can barely even attend debates to defend himself lmao. Plus, Leni's plan on what to do if there's a time China might push aggression towards us is actually the clearest of all the candidates. She understands that even if we fund the military it won't be enough so she'll have to strenghten international alliances. She understands that the moment China starts agression/ there is any sort of agression in a national level then THAT'S the moment she'll fund the military. Not just funding the military forever and forgetting other parts of the gov't (her focus rn seems more on health and education which like THANK the heavens.). Like??? I am just dumbfounded by these apologists

Also the laguage BBM supporters use is also incredibly icky. It's giving... KPop problematic fave ngl. Like the whole "Yeah but at least __" and then the "Cry, you guys will lose on May 9 anyways" Like dude??? This isn't a KPop Award Show this isn't the fucking MMA or MAMA this is the National Elections! Be serious! Keep your ears open! Keep your eyes open! Be vigilant! This is for the //country//. Also the whole "why do you care, it's just my vote anyways" #$@??$@# IT MAKES ME SO MAD. THIS ISN'T JUST YOUR VOTE. YOUR ONE VOTE COULD DO SUCH A BIG DIFFERENCE. YOU COULD BE THE ONE VOTER THAT MAKES THEM WIN AGAINST THE REST!

And that one time I saw a BBM supporter say na aktibista lang naman ung namatay sa martial law (only activists were killed during martial law.).... Like yall don't see other humans with a diff opinion than u as humans don't you? I don't have much to say about this bc it's just genuinely disgusting and blood boiling.

And, to make things lighter now I saw someone say that Kakampinks (what leni supporters are called) saying "why bbm" is toxic and like 💀💀💀. We're just asking a question??? and then they'll flip the script and say "kakampinks don't listen anyways" DUDE. YALL ARE THE ONE WHO DON'T LISTEN. WE KEEP SHOWING U THE MULTIPLE INFOGRAPHICS* DONE AND YALL DON'T READ IT. which is fair honestly there's a lotta words, BUT YOU SHOULD READ IT BC IT'S FOR THE COUNTRY. READ EVERYONE'S STANCES ONTHINGS, CREDENTIALS, TRACK RECORDS AND MORE BEFORE DECIDING ON A LEADER.

*

But yeah that's enough ranting for today

[beca-mitchell]

i've never been a natural (all i do is try) (1/1)

Summary: Chloe, Aubrey, and what it means to be loved over their years together at Barden. References to side-Bechloe.

This is for @snowbritt who donated in support of @ppfandomdrive. ❤️  Your prompt was "chaubrey + smangst".

Fic title from "mirrorball" by Taylor Swift, which somehow encapsulates what I feel about Aubrey's character through PP1 and PP2 and some of PP3. Stream folklore.

Word count: 4,442

Rated M/E for some smut.

Read below or read on AO3.

* * * * *

to be forgiven 

Aubrey knows what love is. Or at least—conceptually, she knows what it means in all the usual ways: being cared for, having somebody be there emotionally and physically, maybe even a serenade here and there.

Aubrey doesn’t even necessarily have high expectations, just expectations. Simple, mundane expectations because it’s what she’s been told all her life. It’s what has been instilled in her: standards, rigidity, obedience, and expectations.

And she has to live up to every one of those things or face the consequences.

She senses Chloe before she hears her adjusting into the seat next to her.

“I messed up the solo, I deserve whatever’s coming,” Aubrey says, primly adjusting her uniform collar.

“Aubrey, you didn’t mess up,” Chloe says gently. 

Gentle. That’s something that Chloe has about her. It makes Aubrey envious, really, but she has no time for that. Any of that. The feelings, the envy, the gentleness.

Gentleness never got anybody anywhere.

That being said, meeting Chloe on the first day of Bellas rehearsals had been both the worst and best experience of Aubrey’s freshman year.

Scratch that. Perhaps it’s this. Or what had transpired not too long ago. A few short moments ago.

“I...I missed my cue for my solo—the solo I had to beg for. Posens don’t beg.”

Chloe shrugs. “I didn’t notice if you messed up.”

“Alice definitely noticed.”

“So?”

Aubrey doesn’t dare twist so she can face Chloe fully. The auditorium has since emptied and they are the only two, sitting right in the middle of the orchestra seating. She doesn’t want to see whatever sympathy flashes across Chloe’s face. It’s not like they’re friends, not really.

“I noticed,” Aubrey finally says quietly. A Posen would notice.

“I thought you sounded really good,” Chloe informs her. “Your voice is pretty.”

Aubrey glances up at Chloe, somewhat intimidated by the startling clear blue eyes gazing back at her without an ounce of sympathy. Simply understanding and a kindness that Aubrey has seen so rarely in her life.

“Thank you,” she manages. “But...the competition. Our performance…” She isn’t sure where she’s going with this, only that she failed and it is odd that Chloe isn’t even acknowledging that.

“I thought we sounded great. It was your first solo, Aubrey! You did amazing.”

The nauseating feeling lessens ever so slightly. “You did?”

“And so what if you think you messed up? You were so brave for taking that solo.”

There is no hint of deceit in Chloe’s eyes. Aubrey isn’t sure Chloe could be deceitful even if she tried.

“Thank you,” she whispers, allowing Chloe to reach out and hold her hand.

It is nice, knowing that she can still be a success in somebody’s eyes. It is nice, knowing that the sensation of Chloe holding her hand isn’t conditioned on her successes of failures.

Just the two of them, sitting in an empty auditorium and nowhere else to be.

 * * * * *

 to be cherished

When Aubrey breaks up with Howie near the end of her sophomore at Barden, she finds herself storming up to Chloe’s apartment—Chloe who hadn’t been lucky enough (or unlucky enough) to secure a spot in the Bella’s House—and breaking down in ways that would have made her parents recoil.

“That’s it,” Chloe announces after only five minutes of moping. Or at least, Aubrey’s version of moping: voraciously stuffing Chloe’s homemade cookies into her mouth. “We’re going out tonight.”

“Why?” Aubrey asks shortly. “I’m perfectly fine here.”

“You need to get over him,” Chloe responds, tugging the plate of cookies away from Aubrey’s grasp. “I know just the cure.”

“I don’t need to get over him. I already have.”

“I’m sure you have.” Chloe sighs from where she is wrapping the cookies in saran wrap. “He was a total dick to you anyway and you guys were going to break up. I’m shocked you guys didn’t break up weeks ago.”

Aubrey takes a moment to really assess her emotions on the matter. She finds that she is mostly shaken up that it wasn’t something she had anticipated. Not in the near future at least. She just kind of figured they’d kind of taper off and simply...exist in each other’s life. She hadn’t expected him to throw a wrench in her plans quite like that.

“Right,” she says slowly. “I suppose that’s where we were going anyway. I just...I’m not a fan of change, Chloe.”

Chloe reaches out to pull her hands up so they are standing in front of each other. “I know,” Chloe acknowledges quietly. “But you didn’t like him. And he treated you like crap. You deserve to be treated better.”

 * * * * *

 That’s how it starts without Aubrey even realizing what is happening until she is sitting across from Chloe at a nice restaurant, two weeks in a row.

This is, for all intents and purposes, Chloe treating her like a total queen.

On a date.

These are dates.

Aubrey can’t even bring herself to ask for fear of embarrassing herself in front of Chloe, even though she knows Chloe would never laugh at her or ridicule her. She has spilled so much to Chloe over the past couple of years. There is something incredibly deep and fulfilling about their friendship.

I could love you, Aubrey thinks.

At that moment, Chloe glances up at her, smiling at her through a mouthful of pasta. Her smile is playful and light, but her eyes are bright, shining with an emotion Aubrey can’t identify. Aubrey hates the notion of blurry lines—hates the idea that this could be something.

I could love you too, Chloe seems to say back. If you’d let me.

Chloe has always waited for Aubrey to make her moves—waited for Aubrey to open up. It would be, Aubrey thinks, fairly easy to let this transition into something more. But Chloe represents something so much deeper; something incredibly important to Aubrey that she doesn’t have the stomach to burrow into her own mind in order to figure out what.

“Are you going to eat your dinner?” Chloe asks, breaking Aubrey out of her solitude.

“Yeah. It’s...I was just thinking.”

“About?”

“Oh. You know.”

Chloe hums, a small smile playing at the corner of her mouth as she wraps her lips around her fork once more. “This is nice, y’know? You and me. Without the other Bellas.”

Aubrey doesn’t have the heart to tell Chloe that it is simply because they are so wildly disliked by the rest of the senior Bellas, being the only two juniors in the group. She doesn’t like it when Chloe is disheartened.

“You and me,” Aubrey echoes.

Chloe hums, something non-committal, but Aubrey doesn’t miss the way Chloe’s eyes cut to her very briefly before she gazes away again.

It is nice, saying that aloud, but Aubrey is afraid to say more because she doesn't understand the breadth of her own emotions. She can't even categorize what she's feeling, how could she possibility explain anything to Chloe?

 * * * * *

 Later, as Aubrey lies awake at night, she decides that she somewhat likes this state of in-between with Chloe. It doesn’t feel as daunting as she would have thought. Instead, it feels comfortable, knowing that Chloe and her seem to be on the same page, despite all the things left unspoken.

(She is wrong.)

 * * * * *

 to be desired

They aren’t dating. They probably never will. But this—this making out on and off—this is a new development.

It had started at a party a few weeks ago, under the shadow of drunkenness, tumbling into Chloe’s bed, arms around each other. A tangle of limbs. A mess, for all intents and purposes, but it hadn’t sent Aubrey running. Quite the opposite in fact.

And now...

“I’m—” Aubrey swallows the lump in her throat (categorically it feels like desire and panic all at once) as Chloe’s lips trail down her neck. “I’ve never done this with a girl before,” she whispers, clamping her mouth shut almost immediately after. It feels like admitting something is wrong with her—feels like admitting some kind of failure because after all, life is nothing but a binary of success and failure.

It is then that Chloe stops and ceases her ministrations to draw back and look at her with her brow furrowed. “I know,” she murmurs, sliding her hand down Aubrey’s jaw. “We talked about it,” Chloe continues, casually bringing up a conversation that been both freeing and mortifying for Aubrey. She had never known somebody like Chloe before—had never known a friend who would be so open and willing to share anecdotes about her own life without a care in the world.

Aubrey inhales shakily, willing her body to resist the temptation of Chloe’s lips against her skin, as pleasurable as ever. “No, wait—” Chloe draws back, sitting back on Aubrey’s thighs patiently at Aubrey’s protest. Somehow she manages to still look equal parts innocent and filthy with her eyes blown wide—innocently so in some respects—and with her hair in a complete disarray from Aubrey’s eager hands. Aubrey clenches her hands into her bedspread and sits up slightly to level herself with Chloe more. “I’ve just...also never really…” She clears her throat. “You know. Gotten...there.”

Chloe’s jaw slackens for a moment and she tilts her head, contemplating Aubrey’s words. “What do you mean you’ve never gotten there?”

“Chloe,” Aubrey complains.

“Okay, maybe I do know, but—” Chloe leans forward with a soft giggle. Her hair tickles Aubrey’s skin ever so gently. “Never? Not even by yourself?”

Aubrey’s face feels ridiculously hot. “I’ve...tried. A few times. Maybe a couple times I—” Words stick in her chest, unwilling to spill forward. A swell of insecurity and unspoken desires course through her.

I don’t know myself.

My own body.

I don’t know how to love myself like that.

Chloe’s eyes soften. “Aubrey,” she murmurs quietly, like she knows. Because of course, she knows. It is just so very Chloe of her—a marker of who Chloe Beale is as a person since she crashed through Aubrey’s life like a tornado over the past two years or so. Chloe has somehow known things before Aubrey has even had a chance to compartmentalize them and sift through every point at her painstakingly slow place; Chloe has somehow always been the antithesis.

Aubrey doesn’t dare say anything, too caught up in her own thoughts again, but Chloe lifts a hand to curl through her hair. If they weren’t in the position they currently find themselves, sprawled on Aubrey’s too-large bed and across Aubrey’s too-plain sheets, Aubrey could close her eyes and imagine Chloe carding her fingers through her hair on a regular movie night on the couch.

It scares her how normal this feels.

“Not even with Howie?” Chloe asks, still quiet. Still moving her fingers through Aubrey’s hair. Still sitting astride Aubrey’s thighs. Aubrey shakes her head. “Good thing you broke up with him,” Chloe comments with a smile.

That breaks some of the tension that Aubrey had felt building in her chest. She both hates and loves how comfortable she can be with Chloe—how Chloe makes things feel easy and light, like Aubrey can exist without trying so hard. Like this is how it can be. How it ought to be.

“Yeah, good thing,” Aubrey murmurs, closing her eyes when Chloe’s lips meet hers again.

“We’ll get you there,” Chloe murmurs, kissing determinedly down Aubrey’s neck and between her breasts with a destination seemingly in mind.

Aubrey believes her.

Eventually Chloe seems to settle between Aubrey’s legs—how had she gotten there?—and Aubrey feels, abstractly as she dissociates from her own body, kiss-swollen lips begin to trail over the soaked material of Aubrey’s underwear.

“Chloe,” she rasps out. “Okay—you...you don’t—” Aubrey cuts herself off with a choked gasp when Chloe kisses the fabric of the soaked material of her underwear. You don’t have to do that, is what Aubrey had wanted to say, but in a rare moment of internal conflict with her word choice, she clamps her mouth shut as Chloe’s kisses increase in their pressure and intensity, even going as far as to gently sucking at Aubrey’s clit through her underwear.

Now, all Aubrey wants to say is Never stop.

She can barely manage more than a strangled, moaning gasp—a foreign sound—when Chloe draws her head away.

“Why?” It comes out as a demand.

Chloe’s smile is positively sinful, a far cry from the usual pleasantness or playfulness found on her face. Aubrey feels dizzy from the heat coursing through her body. “Do you want me to stop?” Chloe asks. “We can stop,” Chloe promises, though she licks her lips with devastating effect. Aubrey wonders if Chloe’s lips will glisten as they do now if she were to...well. The thought remains half-complete in her mind.

“I guess…” Aubrey clears her throat going for some authority. “You don’t have to stop.”

“Oh,” Chloe drawls. “So you want me to continue?” Chloe asks, adopting a tone entirely too innocent and too willing for the situation. Aubrey clenches around nothing, entirely too wet and swollen, at the tone and Chloe’s subtle nudge at her penchant for control.

“Yes,” Aubrey murmurs.

“Okay,” Chloe hums. “I want to taste you…if that's okay with you.”

Aubrey tries to run through a list of reasons why she wouldn’t want that—tries to itemize reasons why she should tell Chloe to stop, but she can’t. She finds that she wants this so much; she wants Chloe to make her feel good and she wants to just feel good, period.

She is no longer thinking about Howie, any of her other exes, or even her own inability to make herself feel good.

Allowing herself this one pleasure will make her feel good.

The simplicity causes her to sag into her bed, gasping out a breath when, at the same time, Chloe pulls her underwear down her legs eagerly.

“Okay,” Aubrey murmurs, mostly to herself. “Okay.”

Chloe shifts forward, the movement guiding her snugly between Aubrey’s legs. Beneath Aubrey’s thighs, she feels the press of Chloe’s shoulders, shifting forward ever so slightly. But no—that isn’t what she’s supposed to be focusing on, not when Chloe and her damn tongue are as eager as the rest of her. Despite the eagerness in Chloe’s movements, there is something gentle and exploratory about it all. It feels pleasant and warm and her stomach clenches pleasurably—a far cry from the usual nauseating feeling she gets with startling regularity.

This is it, she thinks, eyes slipping shut as Chloe’s mouth moves against her, wet and soft and so, so warm. This is what it’s meant to be like—what it must mean to be wanted.

A beat.

Aubrey’s heart sinks.

She doesn’t feel anything—doesn’t feel the white-hot pleasure or the sharp sensation of desire or lust like she’s always read about in her own research. Chloe’s tongue and lips between her legs and—and—

“Oh fuck—!” She claps a hand over her mouth as Chloe’s tongues curls and slides, this time pushing upward just right. A jolt of pleasure hooks into her, somewhere in her belly, and tugs. Aubrey cries out again, this time from behind her hand, hips lurching upwards. Chloe pins her hips down with sure, deft hands. The strength of Chloe’s hold on her only makes her wetter even though she had thought that impossible.

Oh.

This is what it feels like to be wanted.

Between her legs, Chloe grins. Aubrey can fucking feel it.

We’ll get you there, is what Chloe had said.

Aubrey believes her.

Chloe has, after all, never given Aubrey any reason to not believe her.

 * * * * *

 Touching Chloe in return is an experience on its own. It is incredible and satisfying and all the words that Aubrey has yet to learn. An enviable vocabulary and she has nothing on the tip of her tongue to describe what it means to be so breathless after having Chloe come apart at her hands.

Chloe’s soft voice, ever soothing, guiding her as she learns Chloe’s body inside and out.

“Right there,” Chloe murmurs, like she is telling Aubrey the time. Her hand, wrapped around Aubrey’s wrist, guides Aubrey’s hand against slick, wet folds and an insistent, stiff clit. It makes Aubrey inhale sharply, knowing that she is touching Chloe so intimately—another woman!—and yet, she feels like she can’t imagine herself doing anything else.

“Here,” Aubrey echoes, rubbing the pads of her fingers gently against Chloe’s stimulated center. A soft moan escapes her when she dips her fingers inside Chloe ever so slightly, feeling Chloe tense beneath her immediately, like she is trying to pull Aubrey in deeper. The thought makes her hot and wet all over again and she shifts, biting her lip as she hovers over a shockingly quiet and docile Chloe Beale.

Chloe says nothing. She nods, pulling Aubrey in for a searing kiss that makes Aubrey feel like she has been doing this for years.

 * * * * *

 to be loved

The summer before senior year is a lot.

Aubrey watches Chloe sip leisurely at her margarita, eyes hidden by dark sunglasses. She finds that she hates when Chloe hides her eyes like this when she can’t see the swirl of emotions behind Chloe’s eyes.

“Are you ready for our senior year?” Chloe asks suddenly, putting her drink down.

“I am.”

For a long moment, Chloe doesn’t respond. It is enough of a pause for Aubrey to turn and face Chloe completely because it is so unlike Chloe to not have a response.

“Chloe?”

“I’m...yeah. It’s nothing. I’m just thinking about the Bellas.”

Aubrey is sure that Chloe knows that she hadn’t been thinking about anything else except the Bellas since the end of their last competition. And Puke Gate. She represses a shudder. “Right,” she says slowly. “About what?”

“Just that it’s our last year together,” Chloe replies simply. “I’m thinking about missing you. And just...not being together all the time.”

Aubrey is sure that Chloe isn’t necessarily referring to their loosely-defined Friends With Benefits arrangement (though, Aubrey thinks, it wouldn’t be so loosely-defined if she had just drafted up that contract she had in mind), but it’s the first thing that comes to mind regardless. As with most things having to do with Chloe and sex, a full-body flush immediately rushes through her and she does everything in her power to school her face into one of neutrality as to not alert Chloe to her thoughts.

Still, Aubrey feels affection and tenderness from the woman in front of her. Over their time together at Barden, she has come to know Chloe so intimately and so thoroughly that she can hardly imagine being apart from her as well.

“I get it,” she manages to say. A litany of words—more words, always, somehow—threaten to spill from her lips, but she represses it, afraid of what it would mean to finally, fully wear her heart on her sleeve. “But that just means we have to give it our all, doesn’t it?”

At that, Chloe smiles. “Right. We’re going to be aca-awesome.”

Chloe’s consistent attempts to combine “aca” into their terminology had been something that had made Aubrey laugh at first, not taking it seriously. And Chloe had continued to say it, with the intent of making Aubrey laugh. But now, it is something of an inside-joke between them, neither serious nor a joke. Just something for them, as co-captains. Co-leaders.

Partners.

“Aca-awesome,” Aubrey echoes. “We are, aren’t we?”

The way Chloe gazes at her then, like she thinks Aubrey can do anything in the world...that alone nearly makes Aubrey’s emotional padlock completely fall off her heart, but she grabs at the shackles in a moment of desperation.

The issue between her and Chloe is that neither of them is willing to push each other to that extreme limit—at least not in terms of matters of the heart. Chloe is too gentle with her. Aubrey is too reserved.

Too afraid.

Even though Chloe makes her feel more than she’s ever allowed herself to feel in the past two decades of her life.

 * * * * *

 It is just so much more efficient to put actions to work when words fail. That is something that Aubrey has learned from Chloe herself. Even as she pulls Chloe into her arms, both of them vying for dominance over the other as they stumble through the darkness of Aubrey’s bedroom.

Nights like these always start and end the same way. She and Chloe have gotten efficient, for lack of a better word, at their arrangement.

Except tonight, something feels slightly different. Not quite off, but not quite what Aubrey’s used to, at least with them. Even with all her incessant planning and thinking, she hadn’t foreseen this.

Tonight, it’s different.

Tonight, it’s short, and intense. It leaves them both incredibly sated, both embarrassingly wet and ready for each other as soon as they tumble on the bed, naked. Even with Chloe’s fingers pressed inside her, Aubrey scrambles for more—so much more—grappling with the heaviness of her own emotions. On the cusp of everything, Aubrey tumbles and the experience, breathlessly crying out Chloe’s name, leaves Aubrey stunned into somewhat of a shocked silence. Belatedly, she feels Chloe shuddering against her as she comes around Aubrey’s fingers as well, a soft cry escaping her lips. The jerk of Chloe’s hips against Aubrey’s hand almost sends them both tumbling from her bed, from where they had been lying too close to the edge.

Somewhere, in the recesses of her mind, Aubrey thinks that they had been loud. And even more belatedly, was that a soreness in her throat? She needs to remember to get tea and honey for herself and Chloe as soon as possible.

Together, they lie, pressed against each other. Aubrey enjoys the sensation of Chloe’s fingers drumming a slow, uneven rhythm against her shoulder, a reminder that they remain connected even by music.

Chloe sighs, somewhat happily. Somewhat morosely. “Aca-amazing,” she whispers, breath hot against Aubrey’s neck.

The brief silence that follows is enough of a space for both their walls to come crashing down. Aubrey bursts into laughter first—true and real giggles leaving her lips—followed quickly by Chloe. Despite the breathlessness in her chest, Aubrey feels calm.

“Aubrey?”

Never mind that. Chloe sounds entirely too nervous for this to be anything good, but Aubrey knows she is powerless to resist whatever Chloe wants to ask of her.

“Yes?”

Aubrey steels herself for whatever question Chloe might throw at her; Aubrey steels herself for whatever the question might hold for their future together. She settles somewhere between being ready and terrified, not too unlike how she feels whenever she performs.

For so long she hadn’t known whose court the ball was in. Now, she might get the chance—now she might—

“It’s…nothing.”

With that, Chloe rolls over and falls asleep rather quickly, leaving Aubrey to stare at the dark ceiling, wondering if the ball had been in her court all along and she had simply failed to do anything about it.

 * * * * *

 (But what would that conversation have even gone like? Aubrey imagines a thousand possibilities, each ending the same way.

“What do you want this to mean?” Chloe would have asked. Or some variation.

No matter the variable, no matter the input, Aubrey can only compute the same answer: “You,” is what she longs to say. Longed to say. Longed to have said.

The worst part is that she knows that she never would have said it even if Chloe had been asking the same question for the better part of three years together...in every sense of the word.

She tastes the word on her lips, saying it aloud to herself when she lies alone in her bedroom. You.

An entire world of possibilities.)

 * * * * *

 Beca Mitchell.

She’s...she’s something, Aubrey can admit that much.

So much possibility rolled into one person.

Aubrey wonders which parts of Beca appeal to Chloe the most.

Aubrey wonders if Beca’s smugness has anything to do with the fact that Chloe looks at her and sees an entire world that she hadn’t known existed before Beca strolled lazily into their lives. It is so easy to identify because it’s all Aubrey can see when she looks at the crumbling pieces of her and Chloe’s world in her own hands.

 * * * * *

 to have loved and lost 

Aubrey is not an eavesdropper. In fact, she has learned over time that she would really rather not hear some of the things she’s heard. Some classified, some just...the Bellas at their best and worst.

This probably falls somewhere between the two.

Aubrey pauses. She shifts the spare blankets to her other hand as she catches the tail end of soft murmurs from the lounge area for Lodge guests.

“—wish you told me.”

She recognizes Chloe’s voice immediately and draws closer on instinct. She already knows who Chloe is with even if she hasn’t fully heard another voice. Her assumption is confirmed when she hears a long drawn-out sigh that can only belong to one Beca Mitchell, somehow managing to imbue a sigh with the very slightest hint of sarcasm.

Aubrey closes her eyes. She knows she’s being unfair to Beca. It’s not that she doesn’t like Beca. She likes her very much, in fact. She respects her a lot.

“I wanted to tell you,” Beca finally says. “You know I want to tell you.”

“Anything in particular?” Aubrey’s chest seizes at the flirty, playful tone to Chloe’s voice. She should go. She should.

“Um.” Beca exhales. “Everything.” Her voice has a strange tone to it. Soft and uneven. Low. Quiet. “You know...about the internship,” she adds hastily. “But also…”

“Beca,” Chloe responds. “Of course.”

“I just get so…”

“I know, Bec.”

“There is um, something else.”

Aubrey suddenly feels like she is intruding on something intimate, but she cannot bear to draw away. She tells herself that it is because she’s looking out for Chloe, even after all these years. Even after years of drifting apart.

She just wants to be right.

“What is it?” Chloe asks. Aubrey closes her eyes. She hates the tenderness in Chloe’s tone—the sheer gentleness that afflicts Chloe’s voice whenever she talks to Beca. Whenever she so much as talks about Beca.

“It’s you,” Beca says, so quietly that Aubrey has to strain to hear it. "It has always been you."

Aubrey does not hear Chloe's response.

fin.