#I'm too rational to do that
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Why is everything in my life pointing to me needing an unethical romance with an older woman
#This is a joke#I'm too rational to do that#But like#My loneliness has led me to have 'feelings' for inappropriate women#Feelings in heavy quotes because I fully acknowledge I'm just lonely and wouldn't want to do anything with these women#Between my therapist#And my boss#And the 60 year old woman I met who has a grandkid#I'm giving a lot of thought to unethical romances 💀💀💀#Again this is a complete joke#Even if it wasn't none of these women are viable#Two are straight married and the third would be incredibly catastrophic for us both#I like women by own age but loneliness is a fucking beast
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Why are you running?
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jiang yanli#jin zixuan#The ship between Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli is yuri. To me.#That whole tearful public confession? The way he immediately runs off? Yuriful.#Everyone going 'oh my god what' and 'hey why are you running off???' makes this chaotic scene even funnier.#He's going to just hide behind a tree a few meters away. They can still see his little hat poking out as he cries.#If I was JYL I would have started biting someone.#What do you *mean* the guy you once had feelings for but treated you poorly now says he likes you? What do you do with that information?#Is it character development? Is it worth letting your heart open up again? Is it a mistake to be vulnerable like that?#Not enough credit is given to the internal torment of shijie.#It really does feel like your world is spinning around when someone you did not expect to confess *does*.#This guy has a LOT to make up for though. I wouldn't take him back but I'm also too rational for my own good at times.
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There's a user going around currently reblogging/commenting on antiLO content with the intent of "digging up dirt" on people who simply read and enjoy the comic. Basically demanding the OP's of such posts to inform them of any 'stans' so they can add them to a 'list' that they absolutely do not have any good intentions to do with, along with making some very unsavory and completely unwarranted comments about the fans in general (and I don't mean the usual "lmao LO fans are weird/dumb/etc." stuff, I mean genuinely cruel wishes to have the fans of the comic doxxed/harmed/etc.) I have blocked this user for obvious reasons, and if you get a similar reblog or DM like I did from this person, I hope you'll do the same.
Please do not play into this. As much as I and many others talk shit about this dumpster fire of a comic and its questionable if not outright controversial writing and messaging, none of us have any right to go after any of the fans or stans directly. At best that would just be proving to the fans who already hate this part of the fandom that we're boogeymen out to get people, at worst it would be a betrayal to our own integrity as human beings who should be capable of discussing media without turning it into a harassment campaign. Making shitposts about the media and the fandom is fine, discussing the media itself and the creator who made it within our own little spaces of the Internet is ultimately harmless so long as it's managed within reason, but deliberately going out of your way to dig up personal information on innocent people within the fandom for the purpose of ruining their life is not okay and if you ever get to that point where you're trying to rationalize going after people directly, you need to log off.
#and yes this is a reminder to myself and those who enjoy my content as well#i know i'm REAL GOOD at talking shit#but i don't do what i do here with the intent of starting a mob#i'm here sharing my thoughts on media that i both like and dislike#that is not permission to go on your own justice crusade using what i do here as rationalization for your actions#i have and will continue to block anyone who comes at me with these kinds of requests to name drop people#i've done my part in the past to help protect this community from bad faith fans with bones to pick#but we have to remember to protect the community from ourselves too#idc how much you look up to me or my work here#i will absolutely not be made into some martyr for a cause i don't believe in and do not condone.#leave people alone.#lore olympus critical#anti lore olympus#lo critical
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Yuma beings Astral's main concern even when Astral himself is in danger.
#Astral always worries about Yuma even when he is the one in danger to be honest#I think about this episode way too much#because those two always make me scream even when they are separated#I just can't with them I'm sorry#the second Astral felt that Yuma was calling for him he didn't care about anything else#even when he confronted Number 96#he sent Utopia to Yuma even if the Number was his only protection from 96#he got distracted in his escape because Yuma was in crisis#and even when he was literally on the verge of being absorbed by 96 even if he was in pain his only thought once again was Yuma#also the way Astral says Yuma's name in the third gif is so soft and sad#he was feeling that Yuma was giving up#Astral didn't have any idea of what was happening outside the Key#and aside from sending him Utopia Astral couldn't do anything else to help Yuma#and this breaks my heart#Astral loves Yuma so much#so much that I can't think rational when I think about them#they are so precious to me#and I love Astral so much I can't stop repeating it#keyshipping#astral zexal#astral yugioh#yu gi oh zexal#yugioh zexal#ygo zexal#zexal
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the fun thing about crippling imposter syndrome and ridiculously prolonged delayed gratification is that they do this cool combo move where they invent an especially ominous form of anxiety that is insidious and subliminal but reaches into me through to the tips of my fingers like an evil little poison impossible to ignore but also impossible to detect except in the way my jaw aches in the morning and the way i find myself unironically saying "this is the longest week ever" on a forking monday afternoon
#HELPPPPPP is it march 17 yet. HELP!!!! HELPPPPP HELP HELPhELP#this is a post about residency match. i WILL throw up if i think too hard about it#it's been so long since interview season that i can't remember the feeling of#'that went pretty well! i think they liked me! i feel good about myself!' even if rationally i know that i had those feelings at the time#the only thing left is repeated informational emails about what to do if you don't match#and the 13% of ppl who didn't match w the same number of interviews as me last year#and there is nowhere for me to seek validation that i'm overreacting bc this whole system is so nebulous and unpredictable#by the time march 17 rolls around i'll be so pessimistic that the expectation will be 'now i can start planning for re-applying'#which is such an insane thing to do. obviously it happens to people but to EXPECT it to happen with my application is kind of stupid#And Yet Here I Am#help.#it's fine. objectively i think my chances are reasonably high. i should be excited for friday.#i WILL be excited for friday if monday goes well. i just want to know NOW if monday is gonna go well bc this feeling is only getting worse#it's fine. thanks for reading. on the bright side it's 65 degrees today! gonna take a walk and then play biddy games and try to forget lmao#trust me you will all know how it goes on monday :)#text#nova shh#personal#academia#struggle bus
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I started to watch Kiseki last week thanks to my dash. My original plan was to bingewatch it after it`s finished if it has a happy ending which might have been wiser. However I am obsessed with Ai Di and Chen Yi. I think it`s interesting that Chen Yi tells Ai Di that they have to be quiet during their first night because Ai Di would get angry if he heard. I am not sure how he wouldn`t recognise Ai Di even if he is drunk because they have always been together but that`s not the point. He clearly cares about Ai Di and doesn`t want to upset him. But how does he know that Ai Di would hear them? Has he heard Ai Di with another man and has he been mad? Even though he calls Ai Di brother at that point he seems awfully upset when Ai Di is with other men and drags him away from them.
Anon, you didn't know this when you sent it, but I am the wrong person to ask.
I'm stressed.
I'm spiraling.
I'm laying in a field of lavender trying to snort the stems in an attempt to chill the fuck out.
All because Kiseki: Dear to Me's finale is so close that I feel it, yet I'm terrified the scene we are all clinging to from the extended trailer is a fake-out, and we are about to be MODC-ed all over again.
If this doesn't make sense to you, GOOD! Stay innocent, anon. Three episodes ago, I was worried about the same thing as you, but here I am on the eve of the eve of the finale, and I can't bring myself to fathom the show will kill someone, even though IT ALREADY KILLED SOMEONE!
But if you do know what I'm writing about, Anon, HOW ARE YOU SO CALM RIGHT NOW?! At least calm enough to send me this ask on the eve of the eve of the finale?! How is Laws of Attraction the only show to know the value of a bulletproof vest unlike all these mafia BLs WHERE IT SHOULD BE A GIVEN?!
And you're just as cool as a caterpillar on a leaf. I'm the caterpillar in the cocoon dissolving into liquid mush freaking the fuck out about death and bulletproof vests, while you are munching on the good bits of this story. Teach. Me. Your. Ways. I'm over here praying to all the santos about a FICTIONAL CHARACTER! My ancestors are judging me right now. So is God.
So due to divine shade, I'll try to answer your question - Chen Yi admitted he was always jealous of Eddie being with other people which is why he was dragging Eddie's ass out of places, (so I can't imagine him being on your level of chill if he heard Eddie having sex with someone else), but Chen Yi didn't realize that it was jealously and possessiveness until Eddie was . . .
Until Eddie WASN'T THERE!
See, I'm already detouring again! Because what will Eddie do if Chen Yi ISN'T THERE?!
I don't care if this chick is Zhang Teng's sister avenging his death or just has a crush on Baker Boy. She is the sole female character, and as a feminist who supports female wrongs, if she is the shooter, Mortal Kombat "FINISH HER ASS"
I support the gays, the goths, and the girls, but in the words of a woman who got it, Jane Austen,
Had not my feelings decided against you, sus high school girlie— had they been indifferent, or had they even been favorable, do you think that any consideration would tempt me to accept the woman who has been the means of ruining, perhaps forever, the happiness of a most beloved menace?
She better have really gone to the dumpster to throw that glass she just conveniently broke and helps step in to save Chen Yi when she witnesses the shooting because if not . . .
"FUCK"
#kiseki: dear to me#I can't be rational about this show#I'm losing it#someone come pat my head and tell me I'm too pretty for this stress#I need them to be happy#I don't want an apology tour from Taiwan!#Chen Yi better believe in bulletproof vests#don't do this to me again Taiwan#don't you dare!#don't make me beg#because I will#knees to cruel gravel#forehead on your shoe#don't do this to me!
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I've come to the conclusion that loving young royals doesn't mean I can't be critical about it, maybe especially bc I love the show so much I have such strong feelings about it, good and bad and I can love parts of canon and agree with it and appreciate it but I don't have to love it all. I have accepted that it's okay if I don't accept the ending and I don't have to force myself to support it. It's okay to not agree with all of canon and it's okay to not side with all of the creators' intentions/views. Loving a show doesn't mean you have to take everything the writers say on face value and that's the only version that is allowed to exist. Canon isn't everything and fandom is about curating your own experience that makes you happy and not miserable. You don't have to dismiss canon in every aspect and ignore it entirely, that's certainly not what I want but there is a fine line between being canon respectful, allowing some parts to exist and sometimes, yes, you just have to say "fuck canon" and move on for your own sanity and wellbeing
#yrtalk#young royals#personal#especically in the first two weeks of a new release everyone is feelings lots of intense emotions ranging from ecstatic to angry#everything in between is a part of it and i know i'm also feeling very strongly about it right now#i always try to stay levelheaded and rational and see things from an objective pov and be diplomatic about discourse#i don't want any of what i say drift off too much into meaningless hate instead of the constructive criticism it's supposed to be#but when you feel so strongly about something and sometimes you really just wanna say yeah i fucking hate it lol#but i always try to explain why and give understandable arguments and not just blindly hate on something#for example - I'm aware there are fans who have some problems with s2 and don't love the season whereas i do and it's my fave#and there is a difference between expressing some criticism and justified concerns which you can understand where it comes from#and those who are just like 'oh it's a horrible season. it was so shitty and we should get rid of it' which is dumb hate and just not true#and i can't support people like that and take them seriously#i can have my own issues with s3 from a subjective pov which can also include some justified criticism as well#but also still acknowledge it as a truly good piece of tv media and the quality is top notch#and that's why you have such high expectations and have critique because it is so good and sets such a high standard#with that being said i understand ppl not wanting to see any critic about it if they are riding the high of happy wilmon endgame#but that doesn't mean that i can't express my own opinions on my own blog and i will continue to do so#and maybe one day i will feel differently and accept or even like the ending who knows#but it doesn't have to happen. it's fine if it does but it's also fine if it doesn't
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not me curling my laptop charger wire the way you curl band equipment cords HAHAHA god i miss it
#i really said “okay big performance in the city square let's make this work” and i did but absolute fuckery of the manager just made me...#and she also used to complain about being an opening act-- like come on that's a nationally-renowned band and we're not there yet 😭#we used to fight a lot though so ack i really should have taken that as a red flag#but i was 14 and stupid 🤷♂️#being solo way better uM i shouldn't say this yet but i got a commission today audhauagah i don't even have a portfolio#fuck guys i'm so so so nervous from big changes in life because uM god i just came from actual hell with various things working to make me#kms#but uH we're uH not too keen on that anymore atm and uH it's probably going to all fuck up after i share that i have good news in life#but yk what#let's keep challenging god#i know he hates me#but we will not be defeated we will strangle him by the tie#AHHHH help me i want to get into music again pls pls pls pls pls#anyway back to my old band manager#she was known for being a shitwad in the scene anyw but i was young and stupid as i sais#and i defended her and rationalized her behavior because “we're friends right”#i'm starting to get why my mom is wary of people i get to know#i'm tbh a fucking idiot i would never admit that elsewhere (nah i do) uM my brain is bouncing off the walls#i took a bargain with 7pm coffee and look where it got me#i was also getting up there in my 5 days of uni absences agsgshags#DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THESE I KINDA HOPE NOW NO ONE DOES#IM KINDA UHHH MY CHILD THERAPIST SAID UNCONVENTIONAL#I THINK SHE MEANT FUCKING CRAZY#sorry#oh yeah i walked tf out the band after that big performance set up just for us because i couldn't keep working with that kind of environment#other bands started flocking to recruit or proxy after i was let go by my famously fucked-up ex-manager LOL#but um i have issues so i'm not among them and i think they get the message tbh#appears and disappears#that is actually my brand
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Jesus fucking christ I hate the US south
#Cw gun mention I guess#I was feeling super nauseous so I went into the kitchen to get ritz crackers#And we're at my grandma's rn for Christmas and she has windows in the kitchen that look out at the road/other houses#And NO curtains or blinds because she's old#And anyway I turned a small light on so I could see the crackers and I hear a fucking man outside shout “WHO'S OUT THERE”#In the heaviest southern accent. Mind you every fucking person in this area has a gun bc there's lots of trees with squirreld they shoot#And logically now that I am calming down I know it was just a bad coincidence and he was probably yelling at smthn in his yard#But jesus fucking christ I felt such immediate intense fear my head went cold#Ran to my baby brother's room bc I was certain someone was gonna come kill us#Then the rationality took over and I just told my mom about it. But now I'm sitting outside his room eating crackers bc I'm fucking paranoid#It is almost 4am and I haven't slept a wink I cannot do this rn#But literally the last time I went for a walk around here my dad told me not to go alone and also not to say anything stupid#And also stay far away from houses bc I could get myself shot#Literally what the fuck is this.#“Afearican” except I'm still very much in the US#Not to mention almost every fucking house has a blue lives matter flag and some have isr*el flags now too like#I fuuuuucking hate it here
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Ok that one iconic qifrey chapter illustration but with Gouenji or Hiroto come on ina11 artists show up
#rae speaks into the void#inazuma eleven#ina11#kidou and fubuki work too#so many characters work tbh cuz hino decided to give them that healthy dose of ✨️t r a u m a✨️#I would do the thing myself but like hell I'm gonna draw something that involved for Gouenji#imma give myself so much rage and why do that when I am healing 😊#no I'm not joking ok thinking abt and trying to rationalize this child's questionable life choices gives me second hand stress
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s1 episode 15 "lazarus" thoughts
oh boy this was a juicy one! after the previous mulder's ex reveal in 01x12, we get scully's ex reveal now! surely this indicates something...
so it starts with a bank robbery where jack and the robber get shot, the robber shot by scully herself. she means business! do not stand in her way!
then we see the jack in the hospital and they give up on trying to revive him, but she says that if they don't try, she'll do it herself. another example of dana scully NOT messing around. many such cases!
and it seems to work! miraculously! as the other fellow dies at the same time and a tattoo is seen leaving his skin!!! you know what that means: it's possession o'clock!
our now dead guy gets his fingers ripped off as possessed jack wants his wedding ring back, which lead me to writing in my notes, "scully you can't serve looks in a morgue" but by golly. she sure did. decorum be damned, she was serving.
when mulder makes a pit stop with scully to the classroom of a biologist at a maryland university, a question formed in my head: how many random faculty members of colleges and universities does mulder have easy contact with? because i feel like this happens A Lot. he must keep a list somewhere.
"the plot thickens," says mulder, upon learning that jack is scully's ex! they dated for a year, and he was her instructor at the academy! now surely that cannot be a thing that is encouraged. the FBI HR department must have been in a tizzy.
(in all honesty though. gross vibes from this man before and after possession. dating students, current or former, is generally frowned upon)
to try and prove that jack is possessed, mulder gets him to sign scully a birthday card, but that leads to a scene where he gives it to her and she pauses for a few seconds before telling him he's two months early.
now, i would have LOVED to be in her head for those few seconds. the "initial confusion -> at least he thought of me? -> hurt he didn't know my birthday -> ohhh this is one of those fox mulder schemes" train of thought must have been a roller coaster.
she thinks it's possible that he genuinely forgot her birthday- she says she even forgot her birthday once (which is Feb 23rd, by the way! a pisces!) because she was studying for her medical exams!
(i expect them to celebrate bountifully in her honor two months after the events of this episode to make up for that lost time!)
this jack fellow is very much possessed and he is VERY demanding to scully. she seems surprised by this, so i don't think he was like that pre-possession, but still, not great vibes off this guy with the whole instructor-student thing.
and then he switches up and kidnaps her. and i'm not sure which was worse: the fact that scully was handcuffed to a radiator, or that she had to sit through the guy who put her there explaining to a woman that he is actually her dead ex in a new body. another moment of great scully suffering.
when the kidnappers let mulder speak to scully, he calls her "dana" again, twice. his concern was showing!!!! i am a sucker for the "only calling someone by their last name to maintain formality until Something Bad Happens and their first name slips out" trope so this was adjacent to christmas for me! (and i eagerly await the first distressed yelling of "fox!")
AND THEN! he says to the kidnapper "listen to me, you lay one hand on Scully and so help me God..." OKAY! so since scully said something along those lines in episode 12, now BOTH of them have threatened to kill whoever hurts the other! <3
(and scully did it first! despite mulder being more outwardly protective! let's psychoanalyze THAT!)
we also witness the FBI agents being mean to mulder when he leaves the room :( spooky mulder the alien guy :( they don't see his vision :( workplace cliques are still a thing in the FBI :(
but he tells everyone that this mission is really important to him so they have to do their best which was. another emotional moment for me!
using a bible salesman as an undercover agent to confirm the kidnapper's identity was so funny. now every single time a missionary comes to my door i'm gonna think of that.
scully tried to get possessed jack to remember their times together in order to snap him out of the possession and he remembers their journey to his parent's cabin :( but he slowly dies due to a lack of insulin and then shoots his former accomplice which puts scully in a very difficult place emotionally. where do you even begin unpacking that?
mulder gives her the watch she had given jack as a birthday present and she notices that it stopped at the exact moment he was being revived, which mulder had earlier suggested was a sign of possession. she asks what it means.
mulder, in his infinite wisdom, waits and says, "it means whatever you want it to mean"
(which, i think, is the right thing to say. how do you tell your coworker that you think her ex was possessed upon the revival she insisted upon? how do you tell scully, who has a strict worldview shaped by science and facts, that someone she loved was lost beyond recognition? that the pain jack inflicted upon her wasn't even done by jack himself? how do you tell her that the man she once loved and spent the winter in a cabin with was gone long before he put a gun to her head, and that their last moments together weren't even genuine?
you don't. you set aside how desperately you want her to see the world as you do, as a place inhabited by unexplained phenomena just waiting to be studied. you tell her, gently, to make of it what she will, let her endlessly spinning mind search for a logical conclusion of her own to find her peace in. just once, you don't tell her you think it was otherworldly, no matter how long you've tried to get her to believe so in the past. you have some compassion, you sense her grief is heavy, and you tell her goodnight instead.)
#got emo with the last bit#not even sure i conveyed what i was trying to but i was very much trying to convey something#sigh it's about holding space for grief it's about letting people see the world in a way that brings them comfort#it's about setting aside your pride really#because he's the aliens and ghosts and ghouls guy but now he knows it's time to keep his mouth shut. that this one is too close to home.#let her rationalize it like she always does. it's enough grief to carry without implying the universe is fundamentally misunderstood.#hmm. do u see what i'm trying to say?#overall a good episode!#juni's x files liveblog#1x15#the x files#txf
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Let's talk about fanfiction, and all that.
I doubt many remember about this but I used to, albeit not as avidly as I would've liked it, write fanfiction. This, I found, was an amazing way of practicing my writing skills while being able to connect with others who shared my same interests through them.
Well, last time I posted a fanfiction was almost a year ago. After that, it wouldn't take much longer until I just stopped reading fanfiction altogether. I tried getting back to it whenever I really got into a whatever sort of media but, even if my interest lighted up for a couple days, it just wasn't the same.
The point is, I don't think I'll ever go back to writing fanfics. Or, at least, not for a long time. Also, there are times where I see my old writing and, not gonna lie, I kinda cringe lol Not saying I got much better, but I guess there is a difference between being in your late teens and being close to twenty-one.
Due to all these things, I've been considering setting all my fanfiction as anonymous. I don't wish to delete them since I know there are those who enjoy them (some I understand, some I struggle) but, at the same time, a clean restart sure sounds tempting. Yet if I do so, that'd mean I'd no longer get to interact with those who leave comments on them nor would my mornings light up in the rare (yet precious) occasions someone leaves their kudos on my work.
I initially felt like a poll would be the best way to let y'all help me with this, but it just sounds too simplistic? More than needing someone to choose between A and B for me, I think I'm more in need of advice. I don't know, I'm rambling at this point.
If you read this whole thing till the end, thank you so much. Hope you have an amazing day/noon/night and rest/end of your week ♥
#mai.txt#long post#fanfic#i so enjoyed this short yet cool stage in my life and i loved connecting with so many of you through it#yet i believe it's time to let go#or so i'd like to say but i'm too much of a coward to be definitive about anything#thus why we're here#i'm sure many people have gone through or felt the same way as i am right now and have made their decisions with a cold head#but um. while i do tend to work like that this is not one of those occasions iykwim#anywayy i need emotional support and someone to be the rational person for me teehee ♥
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crying about switching to a new phone because I have to wipe my old one so that it can be traded in and I don't want to give it up and I didn't even get asked if I wanted to give it up and I think I should've told them I didn't want to switch to a different phone but it didn't even occur to me that it was an option
#literally the only time it got mentioned is when a sales rep went “or we can take [my dad's] phone instead of [mine]”#i shouldve just asked if we could do that but nobody gave a fuck what i wanted#and now it's too late because money's changed hands and promises have been made and the promise was my phone#and my dad's girlfriend wants to give mine to the people tomorrow because she has to give them an old phone of hers too#and i know if i try to explain it it won't make any sense and i'll get told i'm being irrational and i don't give a flying shit#emotions dont have to be rational#the entire argument made to me was “your dad's phone is newer than urs so u get his and he gets an actually new one”#but his phone is probably worth more because of it being a newer model so fuck my stupid baka life
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mm i Neeed to go the beach
#just me hi#wauhuhh !#something about just drifting around in water that i am slightly scared of that really makes my brain whir happily lol :>#i am slightly scared of it for two major reasons: 1) fish. lord the fish why are they so scary 2) sometimes i think i'll drown and they jus#won't find the body. which is less rational than the fish so that's why fish is my number 1 fear at all times lmao#/i think out of all the animals on the planet i am the most scared of ordinary fish. not even the deep sea stuff hfbshv#cuz look they're so far down there you Have to assume they look funked. and also they prolly don't like human meat. so it's cool#but regular fish?? some of them eat birds. they eat birds dude. what would they do to me if they knew how to use harpoons??#also they for SURE eat corpses so we loop back to fear no. 2 really just being fear no. 1 hbfhs#/see i'm not even that scared of the animals my parents are determined on exploding. like man if i get eaten that was prolly bound#to happen anyway. i Know how that goes. i know what mauling is lol#i am the only person in this house who will walk around outside on a moonless light w/ no flashlight because if i was sposed to be dead i#can guaranteE there are much better opportunities. funnier ones‚ too#/just looked it up bobcats are SHY little guys. they are just shy babies. except for when they have rabies :)#shy rabies babies <3#/anyway back to the fish. i don't like how there are some that specifically like to eat human skin. mmm no i have never liked that ever not#one little bit. makes my skin crawl hghfsh#i don't care what it does or can do that is NOT cool lil dude ;w;#/hang on i'm googling 'weirdest things fish eat' because i want to scare myself i guess hbfhvbsf :'3#they're only showing me weird fish!!! no !! tell me about a fish that's living exclusively off of plastics!! or car tires !! come on !!!#these guys are just funky looking. and just Kinda funky looking. though this humphead guy is funny lol :)#he looks scary but with a charm that i can't deny#his forehead. and mouf. this guy is awesome#and of course he's endangered because the world is exploding. but it's so cool he exists :D#//anyway fish are scary. and miss humphead is Huge so goofiness aside he's also scary hhfbvs#also why do some of those motherfunkers swim close to shore and bite at you. those guys suck so bad#that's only happened to me so many times but enough for me to have a fear that has lasted for over half a decade lmao#//and anywho i'm running out of tag space lol :)#we're going ot the park!! i'm going to skate :DD !!#i wanna get good at my old stuff again hfsh - so bye! bye !! toodles !!!
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I have worked so hard to eliminate the 'I will never be so talented and good at art' response to seeing something cool out of my brain for like years now and I'm so so so much better about it than I used to be 2 or so years ago but it is not completely eradicated and may fully never be and at this point I'm just mad about it. Everytime it happens now I mean the feeling is still there I still experience the yucky feeling but I'm also a bit like this shit again ? I don't Want to be feeling it I just still am and it's bullshit.
#tide of consciousness#You know. Where you see something cool and fascinating and your brain (deeply fucked and with issues)#Goes oh that's so cool. Isn't it so cool? Aren't we so not cool? Don't we suck so bad? You could never do that. Why do you bother?#It used to plague me so so so badly like being mostly free of it is such a new development for me#I suppose that's a thing I could celebrate I really did improve in thinking positively about shit like that in recent years#But regardless it does still pop up every so often and it's so annoying.#I hate that you can know things rationally and yet still have feelings about it. And I'm better about that too#<- better about just letting the feelings happen I mean#But I'm not exactly HAPPY about it. Yuck. Feelings. Get out of here
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I actually have a fic idea but lc is a show that's like. you will never ever have all the information and context until the end. and I am a writer who writes best and more confidently when I have all the info and context at my fingertips. so now I'm just like 🧍♂️
anyway. ramble in the tags
#mine musings#not tagging etc etc#it's an AU so it shouldn't even matter actually. but. whatever. i'll still try to write it. it'll take a while#it's more like character exploration anyway. a role reversal (my favorite kind of au)#i.e. what would the emma case look like if cxs is the one who keeps timelooping to save lg?#it's not a power swap or personality swap so i think it'll be an interesting exploration of the limits of their personalities#for example: in this au i think lg is still protective of cxs and acts as the guide. but he's closer to og!timeline lg#so i'm thinking that he's still very principled but perhaps less strict about doing small deviations from the timeline#cxs is still empathetic and reckless and i think that would actually get worse in a timelooping cxs#since he's the possessor he rationalizes to himself that he gets to shield lg from the messy parts of an operation#and how this self-matyrdom pulls at the fragile trust they have. because their partnership is never equal when someone is timelooping#i'm thinking in like the emma case this all comes to a head when emma gets the text from her parents#in S1 lg tells him “it's better not to look”#i think in this au. cxs would have already honed his acting skills and be like “lg. does she check the phone?”#and lg who is protective but a little naive and not as strict with rules is like#cxs looks so sad :( he's been missing his parents lately :( emma doesn't see the text until tomorrow but...#this probably won't change the timeline too much... right? i think cxs needs to feel loved right now :) “yes she checks her phone”#and cxs is like “... are you sure?”#lg: “yes i'm sure”#and then post-dive cxs finds out emma dies but he doesn't tell lg :) he just keeps it to himself :)#bc it's his job to handle all the messy parts :) like the emotions of their clients. their regrets and obsessions. their fates#in his mind. the more lg knows the more he tries to sacrifice himself to save cxs. so it's important that lg is kept in the dark#something something actor/scriptwriter metaphors idk still working on the idea#just. role reversal shiguang... cxs who keeps timelooping bc he has abandonment issues so he can't handle lg dying...#lg basically is like 9S from nier automata who always dooms himself by learning the truth#this could've been a read more instead of a tag essay i'm sorry. i keep forgetting that feature. i am a yapper in the tags#cxs after dragging lg out for dinner so he doesn't catch the news: “hey lg. we followed the script to a tee right?”#“i didn't forget any lines or anything?”#lg (confused) (lying): “yes. aside from getting the financial data part. we did everything right.”#cxs: “okay 😊 i trust you 😊 past or future let them be”
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