#I'm thinking once I get these done I'll change the pattern a bit to make the arms and legs longer

[tweedle-dee-turtle-dum]

Just learned it's national TMNT day!

Have an ongoing project I'm working on.

I just have to put on Leo's little yellow stripes and then do Donnie and Raph and all my lil guys are done! I love them so much

[undead-supernova]

Bullshit! / Masterlist / 18+

part 1 / part 3

Playlist

pairing: Eddie Munson x fem!reader

plot: eddie runs into you unexpectedly and you think it's time to have that date a little early

contains: eddie lacking confidence, confident!reader, get to know Eddie and the reader a little better, making out, kids this is a bit more than pg-13 I'll tell you that much without spoiling it

note: sorry guys, I'm not done with this. maybe far from it. they have a dynamic unlike any other and I'm here for it.

wc: 4k

The library was maybe the last place Eddie wanted to be at one in the afternoon on a Tuesday. It was always overcrowded, riddled with students running around with coffee from the adjoining Starbucks. 

But Eddie needed a new book, having told himself that rereading The Hobbit the third time this semester was…unnecessary. Plus, his English professor told him that “we can only enact change ourselves.” 

Maybe it was a sign. Because as Eddie passed the large glass windows, he saw you sitting at one of the booths.

You looked different from every Saturday night. No makeup, hardly any jewelry except for a thin gold necklace and several rings. An oversized sweatshirt and, from his vantage point, you were wearing a pleated skirt. He even noticed that your high-top Converse were placed next to you, mismatched patterned socks adorning your feet. 

And, fuck, Eddie couldn’t help the excitement rising inside him. It should’ve embarrassed him when he started jogging towards the front door, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. All he could think about was the sound of your voice and your eyes and your touch and your kiss.

He slowed his pace as he walked past the printers and computers and found your head down in some textbook, blissfully unaware.

“Working hard or hardly working?” he asked.

And when you looked up and smiled, he could’ve sworn his heart swelled and burst like a goddamn balloon.

“Oh my gosh, hi!” you exclaimed, jumping up to give him a hug. “What the fuck are you doing here!”

It was only for a few seconds, but he couldn’t resist breathing in your intoxicating perfume and memorizing the feel of you. The curve of your back, the soft fabric of your sweatshirt scratching against his calloused fingertips.

And as you sat back down, he realized quickly why your mere touch was so alluring. It was a reminder that Saturday had been real and, on this grueling Tuesday, you still cared about his existence. You still noticed him.

“I was coming to look for something new to read,” he answered, trying to figure out what to do with his hands and failing. “What about you?”

Eddie couldn’t decipher your now raised eyebrow, watching as you lifted your pointer finger. “Sit down,” you nearly demanded, eyes flickering from him to the booth. His heart hammered in his chest as he complied, eyeing your finger following his movements. 

It was despicable how easy it was for you to get him to do whatever you wanted. Even just fucking sitting down. But he loved it. Every. Fucking. Second.

“I was in the stacks looking at the archives,” you explained. “But everyone in my class took them already.” You sighed, rolling your eyes. “Such bitches.”

“How rude,” Eddie said, all teasing with an amused smile.

He could tell you liked it, biting your lip slightly before playing along. “I know, it’s offensive.”

There was something he noticed in your expression, placing your lip back between your teeth as you scanned him up and down. Eddie was unable to keep a smile off his face, overwhelmed by the attention you gave him. Like he was a meal, but something to be savored rather than merely devoured.

He couldn’t help it when he returned the sentiment, glancing down at your skirt that was riding further and further up your thighs. It wasn’t the time to think about you like that, spread wide for him as he got on all fours. Having you barking commands at him to do it properly, rewarding him with endless praise once you deemed it good enough.

Your thighs parted just a bit more, head tilting to the side as you gave him a smirk. As if you knew exactly where his thoughts were and wanted him to keep going. And, wow, were you two really just eye-fucking each other in the library?

“Want some coffee?” he asked, trying to distract himself. Practically flinching, pulling himself back from the table. “I was gonna head to Starbucks afterwards.”

The sexual tension broke at the question and he watched as you fiddled with your pen. But you didn’t flounder like he did. He wondered if you ever could. 

“Yeah, I’d love to. I have to finish something up but—”

“Oh, I’ll go by myself,” he offered.

“You sure?” you asked, clearly surprised.

“Yeah, no biggie,” he assured you, standing up.

Expression turning a bit sheepish, you said, “I will warn you… My order is complicated.”

He shrugged. “Hit me.”

And the order wasn’t complicated, per se. Eddie just wanted to know how the hell had you come up with a “dirty iced chai with oat milk and two pumps of cinnamon dolce”. Regardless, Eddie tucked that into his Notes app for later. If there was a later.

After grabbing himself a large black coffee and the concoction you'd asked for, he made his way back over to you. Rounding the corner, he noticed the way you moved back and forth between a book and your laptop, sighing and mumbling something to yourself. But as if you could sense him, you turned and watched him approach, a smile appearing on your lips.

“Oh, a Venti, huh?” you teased, making grabbing motions at him anyways.

He shrugged, sitting back down. “You deserve it.”

“You know what? You’re right.” You took it from his hand, taking a long sip. “I hate Starbucks coffee,” you said, licking your lips. “It’s awful. But this is the best thing on the menu, so thank you.”

“Yeah, of course.” Eddie hoped you couldn’t see him blush. "I hate it, too. It's just the only thing we got." 

“God, I know. Also, I can Venmo you or—"

“Absolutely not,” he interrupted, waving you away. 

“Okay,” you conceded, not bothering to argue further. Just took another sip and sat back. Glanced out the window before back at him. “Wanna go on that date today?”

“Today?” he asked, nearly gobsmacked.

Nervousness ran along his limbs, not fully prepared to be with you. Alone. Just the two of you. It’d taken him hours to go to bed after dropping you off the other night. Any time he thought he was done masturbating, it just came with another round. Like a goddamn creep.

“Why not?”

“Aren’t you doing research?” he asked, feeling his face grow hot.

And if you noticed, you didn’t say anything about it.

“Oh my god, I would rather die than look at this shit any longer. I’ve been here since eight.” You paused before throwing a hand over your face. “Unless you’re busy. Sorry I didn’t ask first.”

“No, no. I’m free,” he lied, deciding at that moment to skip his class. He’d catch up on Algebra with his tutor—it’s not like he paid attention anyways. That damn tutor was the only reason he understood a fraction of it. Pun absolutely intended. 

And he swore you nearly jumped up, grabbing your shoes and shoving them on before packing up your backpack, the weight of it starting to look daunting. Book after book, plus your laptop and pencil case and…

Without thought, Eddie grabbed it for you, slinging it over his shoulder. Fuck, it was heavy. “Here, I got it.”

You stared up at him, clearly shocked. “Oh, you sure?”

But Eddie gave you a smile and gestured towards the window with his head. “Yeah, come on. I’ll drive.”

By all accounts, Eddie was actually…sweet. It was nearly sickening how sweet he could be, carrying your backpack for you and opening the car door (despite it being a stalker van). Asking what music you liked to listen to—everything, was the answer. And you didn’t just like every genre, you loved it— Fiddling with the air conditioning and telling you to change it if you get too hot or too cold. Asking if his music was too loud, asking how you were doing now, away from your books.

You were starting to find him ridiculously intriguing, unsure how to take his kindness. It wasn’t a bad thing by any means. You just…weren’t used to a man being so considerate of your feelings. 

It wasn’t like you didn’t think you deserved it—that was obvious every time a man got a little too close for comfort and you had to humiliate them. 

But there was just something that felt new about Eddie. When he’d approached you at the party, you sized him up like every other guy shooting their shot. But he caught your eye immediately when he stumbled over his words. And when a jolt seized your veins at that first touch on his arm, you knew you were hooked. 

You’d gone to bed that night with a smile on your face, softly licking along your lips to savor the lingering taste of Eddie’s mouth. It was tinged with beer, something you used to hate. Something you now loved, thoughts echoing one word:

New.

Eddie helped you out of the car once he’d parked, even insisting that you let him get it for you. It made you feel quite warm in the face, surprised by his assertion. Made you feel like a lady, something you hadn’t ever felt at the hands of a man.

As you moved through the museum, you were quiet, whispering now and then about certain art styles and their importance during their corresponding time periods. And you were glad that Eddie wasn’t a douchebag about noise level inside a museum.

He never interrupted, never poked fun at your intelligence. He’d even asked more questions, all hushed and contained, some even you didn’t know the answer to. Pocketing them for later to ask your professors. 

But Eddie rarely gave up any information about himself, leaving you to tap his foot with yours and ask him questions. Every time, his face got hot and he murmured responses with a shrug, as if he didn’t think it was anything special. 

How was it not? He was still undecided, having dreams of working on video games and helping direct the narratives in new and innovative ways to engage with the player more. You didn’t know much about video games, but you still listened. Still gave him the attention he’d given you. It wasn’t even hard—he was so animated once he got into something he was passionate about. It was endearing, actually.

You ended up sitting down on one of the benches together, staring at an abstract painting by an artist you’d never heard of. 

“Do you like abstract?” you asked him, whispering despite the empty room.

Eddie shrugged, eyes trained on the swirling colors. “I think so? I mean, it’s cool to look at. I just don’t really know what I’m looking for. Or what I’m looking at, for that matter.”

That brought a smile to your face. His statement wasn’t judgmental or dismissive. It was…pensive. Contemplative. 

“I think of it like music,” you said. “The different colors and movements are like different instruments. They’re all separate but they come together to make something magical.”

For emphasis, you leaned in closer to him, your face and shoulder fully pressed against him. Raised your arm to point at the sharp flicks of red hurling towards the top right of the canvas. You could’ve sworn you heard Eddie suck in a breath, having to suppress a smirk at the effect you had over him. 

“That’s like a trumpet, bright and loud. Furious in nature but soaring off the page.” Then you pointed toward the royal blue splatters, more round than some of the other scattered pigments. “And this is like, oh, I don’t know. I guess, a trombone. Low and sultry. Rounded. Keeping everything together.”

Eddie turned his head, your noses nearly touching. You couldn’t help the shiver running down your neck at the tickling sensation you got from his hair. A smile you hadn’t seen before enveloped his face as you made eye contact.

“So, you’re saying it’s like jazz.”

A breathy laugh left your lips, finding yourself intimidated by his pointed gaze. By the way you could study the rich brown in his eyes, all bright and energized despite his calm demeanor. The stubble rising from his pores, all scratchy and wicked. 

“Well, uh,” you murmured, surprised by your inability to form words. “It doesn’t have to be, but, um, I guess this one made me think of jazz. The way it kinda…” your voice trailed off as he seemingly leaned in further, his scent like smoke fogging your senses. “It’s not so rigid. It’s improv. It’s, um…”

“Varied?” he offered, his smile growing. “Unique?”

You nodded. “Yeah.”

Eddie let out a hum. “I think I get it now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s beautiful.”

For once, you had to look away, back at the painting to try and control your breathing. There were flashes of things you wanted to do, both tender and wildly too inappropriate for the setting. Things you wanted beyond physicality, beyond the limits you’d always set for yourself.

And as if he could hear the pounding of your heart, his fingertips touched yours. Slowly weaved his fingers through the spaces left open. Took a piece of your heart with him.

Eddie might not be exactly forward with his actions, but he knew what he wanted. All you could do was squeeze his hand and hope that one day you’d get to see him in full bloom. 

“Why do you do that thing?” you asked.

Eddie glanced over at you, one hand on the steering wheel. The other fiddled with a hole in his pants, needing something to grasp onto. His heart rate just started to slow down, giving him a chance to breathe. 

There was just something about you that drove him mad.

“What thing?”

“Act like you’re not interesting.”

Sheepishly, Eddie shrugged. “I mean, I don’t know. I guess it’s ‘cause you’re way more interesting than me.”

“Bullshit,” you said sternly, a scoff leaving your lips.

“What!” he exclaimed, looking over at you again. “It’s true.”

You shook your head, crossing your arms over your chest. “You highly underestimate yourself.”

Eddie snorted. “I’m a stereotype.”

“Bullshit,” you repeated, starting to sound genuinely frustrated. “Who the hell told you that?”

He didn’t know where to start. 

Being a loser wasn’t a big deal for him in high school. Grew up with his father’s reputation preceding him. Got through it the best he could with some awesome friends along the way. Finally graduated high school and raised his GPA enough to come here. It was simple. In his mind, he was simple.

But spending the latter half of summer, the one he dared never to speak of, without his friends and then coming here without anyone else… Well, he struggled to find anyone willing to be his friend. He tried. Really, he did. But it never came to fruition.

And what was more embarrassing than joining a D&D club before being told he didn’t belong within the first hour? Him, the DM of Hawkins, hell, Indiana, being told he didn’t belong. That he didn’t play right. That he just didn’t fit.

He spent so much time alone. It was starting to make him miss Hawkins, the nostalgia starting to kick in. Hawkins, the place he loathed. The place he wanted nothing to do with. 

He was a nineteen-year-old Freshman with no friends and an undecided future.  

His silence must’ve lasted longer than he thought because you pointed at the nearly empty Walmart parking lot and asked, “Actually, would you pull in for a sec?”

“Yeah, of course,” he responded, heading towards the very back row, far from any remaining cars. Giving the two of you privacy just in case you started to yell at him for being a loser or something. He didn’t know. You were just so unpredictable.

But once he parked, you were unbuckling your seatbelt and grabbing his chin. Squished the bottom of his cheeks in one hand as you pulled his face closer to yours. He must’ve stopped breathing, hands slipping from the steering wheel.

“You better start listening to me, Eddie,” you breathed, all low and sensual, moving your lips to barely graze his bottom lip. “I really don’t like you talking about yourself like that.”

Eddie could feel sweat collecting beneath his bangs as you continued your torture, raking your fingernails down his throat before wrapping your hand around it. He gasped, earning a small smile out of you.

“I don’t waste my time with boring people, as conceited as that sounds,” you continued, the left corner of your mouth lifting. Eyes flickering between his eyes and his lips, eyelashes fluttering with each micromovement. “But I never claimed to be the nicest person, did I?” Eddie still wouldn’t speak. He didn’t know if he could without moaning. “You’re one of the most interesting people I’ve met. And the nicest, which is probably more than I deserve. You’ve seen the way I treat other men.”

“They deserved it,” he whispered, feeling his cock twitch when your grip tightened. “Every one of them.”

“Yeah, they did,” you replied, raising the pitch of your voice. Like you were taunting him. “But you’re different, aren’t you?”

“I-I am?”

“You’re sweet,” you breathed, giving slow kisses to his cheeks. Giggling when you noticed the blood rushing into them so rapidly. “And you’re a real nice guy, you know that?”

“I, uh, I try to be,” he stumbled as you moved your lips past his jaw and against his ear. Went limp at the feeling of you biting the lobe, fanning your breath over it.

“You do such an excellent job,” you whispered. “So nice and kind and funny. You really get me going, Eddie. I didn’t think I’d be so affected by you.”

When you pulled back to face him, you chuckled. He couldn’t blame you. His eyes must’ve been popping out of his head, mouth agape at your pretty words. What was even more fucked up was how genuine you sounded, like you weren’t just saying these things to say them. You meant it.

“I thought about you a lot this weekend,” you said breathily, removing your hand from his neck to start coiling his hair around your finger.

“Me?”

“You,” you said with a nod.

He licked his lips. “W-what about me?”

“About how interesting you are. And not to get too vulgar,” you said with a giggle, all teasing and devilish. “But I couldn’t help but think about taking your cock down my throat.” Another giggle as you tapped your fingers along his collarbone. “Thought about what it looks like, if it’s half as pretty as you.”

Eddie couldn’t stop the way his cock strained against his jeans, the neverending praise overwhelming him. “T-thank you,” he responded, unable to suppress the whine that he’d tried to contain when your other hand began palming him over his jeans. 

“You, um,” he tried to continue, taking a deep breath through his nose to keep his composure. “I-if you want, you can. Anytime. Any time.” 

“It’d be so easy like this, you know,” you nearly purred. “To ride you, to leave you a blubbering mess and thanking me for taking care of you. I think you’d really, really like that.”

“You’re killing me, sweetheart,” he groaned, fingers now reaching out to white-knuckle the steering wheel. 

“Am I wrong?”

A tiny scoff left his lips as you nearly massaged his cock, knowing that if you didn’t stop soon, he was going to burst. “You already know the answer to that.”

“I want to hear it, Eddie.” You nipped his neck, causing him to jump a little. But you wouldn’t stop, whispering filthy words as you continued to mark him. “I want to hear you tell me how good it would feel for me to suck you dry.” He continued to nod, each word sending him further into the deep end. “Before getting you hard again, just ‘cause I can, and getting on top so I can milk you with my pussy.” He moaned at your vulgarity. “Which is dripping, by the way.”

Without any warning, Eddie was cumming, an explosive rush that had him twitching and jerking. Panting and dry mouthed. You didn’t remove your hand, merely chuckling and rubbing him through his jeans until he was able to breathe normally again.

Before Eddie could get the chance to apologize for his behavior, you were pulling him in with an agonizingly slow kiss, your fingers damp from the cum seeping through his jeans. 

You tugged at his lower lip with your teeth before letting out a hum. Gazed up into his puppy dog eyes and said, “Good boy.”

After a few moments of Eddie being able to think clearly again, you found your eyes wandering around his console before settling on a pack of cigarettes. 

“You smoke?” you asked, plucking them from the cupholder and shaking the box in front of his face.

He nodded, seemingly quiet despite what transpired. “Want one?”

“Absolutely,” you responded, quick to take two out and hand one over. Watched him roll the windows down. Even went so far as to light both cigarettes for you like a gentleman. 

You knew he was still coming down from that high. It wasn’t like you could judge when the wetness collecting between your thighs was probably staining the carseat. It took everything in you not to beg him to take you right then and there. But you were a lady (of sorts) and as a lady, you were content with saving yourself for another day.

Besides, it was nice to see him so calm now. Like a weight had been lifted, if only for a moment. It was still a moment.

“Post-nut clarity cigarette,” you joked, taking a slow drag and glancing out at the afternoon sun. 

“Was that…not embarrassing?”

That was when you realized what was happening.

“Are you kidding me? That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” you said truthfully. 

“I’m sure it’s totally hot,” he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Ah, yes. You supposed it was embarrassing for a guy to have creamed his pants without so much as a kiss. But that didn’t bother you at all. You knew it would be different once you were alone, edging him until he was begging you for more. Nothing would make you happier.

You ignored him. “You know, if you want us to go any further, you’re gonna have to earn it,” you said plainly, checking over your nails to make sure the paint hadn’t chipped too bad.  

“How?”

“Once you learn to be nice to yourself.” You shrugged before glancing back over at his wide-eyed expression. “I know there’s something more to you than what you think of yourself. I saw it at the party and I’m seeing it now. You just have to see that, Eddie. That’s really all there is to it.”

Eddie’s lips seemed to form a pout before he took a few hearty puffs, the smoke billowing around you. Looked around. Looked down at his lap. Looked back up at you. Mumbled, “So I can’t, like, go down on you right now?”

A laugh surged out of you so quickly that you started coughing. You waved him away when his concern sounded, ending up laughing harder before you could contain yourself.

“As much as I’d love to give you the privilege of eating me out right now, I think it’s best to wait until you’ve shown some improvement.”

“So there’s a chance?” he asked. 

You leaned back in towards his face, opening his mouth with your thumb. Taking another drag, you put your lips to his and blew the smoke into his mouth. Felt him breathe it in before letting it out through his nose. 

You smirked. “If you’re desperate for a piece of me, you could always lap up what I left behind on your car seat.”

He groaned, taking a deep breath while rolling his eyes. “God, you’re a fucking menace.”

“Honey, you haven’t seen anything yet.”

as per usual, thanks to @strangergraphics for letting me use her dividers and looking over my work hehehe

[sanzaibian]

Well, I'm a skinny guy in my thirties, with thinning hair that's starting to turn gray. I've dedicated a good part of my life to work, to the point that sometimes I think I've forgotten how to live. My hair, in a way, represents exactly that too; it's nothing special, it's average and boring. Sometimes I think about getting a crazy haircut and showing a bit of rebellion, but I Know that’s not gonna happen. I think I'll always be the proper average guy with no great adventures of youth to remember...

PS. Congratulations on reaching the milestone! Well deserved, you're an amazing writer!

“Welcome to the normal barbershop ! Thanks for having chosen our service !” You are duly welcomed as soon as you enter the shop. “Today, Qianglong, Tyler’s assistant, is going to cut your hair !”

A giant man, easily surpassing 1m80 in height, buff to an almost comical degree, with jet black hair cut in a short but tidy spiky undercut appears. His guns are in full display, as he wears a gray and cyan tank top whose sleeves descend so far down that you could reasonably fear it will tear open. He approaches, towering over you, and looks at you in the eyes. He almost seems to be judging your character through his deep brown eyes… before looking up, likely at your messy thinning mop.

You two stand in silence a while longer, making you shudder in the anticipation. Is he judging your hair ? Thinking it cannot be saved ? Or that you’ve done a poor job caring for it ? Although you would tend to agree with these observations, you cannot help but feel down at the thought of him thinking that, lowering your eyes down in shame. And although your eyes meet the absurdly big monster hiding below the black shorts, the sole effect of that sight is but a raise in your own much shyer creature.

Suddenly, Qianglong moves towards the cutting area.

“跟我来吧。” He orders in a very deep voice, which you interpret as ‘follow me’.

You do just that, and sit on the comfortable chair he points to you. For a temporary shop, it is actually very well-decorated, and the luxury of comfort is absolutely not forgotten. You look forwards and are met with your reflection. You do hope that this… hunk of a man will be able to manage something with your mess of hair, although you don’t bear much hope for something beyond the smallest of changes.

Right back to the usual.

Well, that would basically be what you would have asked… if you didn’t see that Qianglong guy drawing out clippers, without even any guard on it. What is he doing, is he going to cut your hair without even asking what kind of cut you want ? And… what’s with these size 1 clippers ! You wanted a change, but you’re not sure you can commit to such a drastic one as this !

“Excuse me…” You start, quite apprehensive in front of such an intimidating man. “Are you not going to… ask me what I want ?”

The hunk looks at you, and without even changing his facial expression a muscle, answers :

“You already said.” He states with a very strong Chinese accent.

Oh yeah, that’s right, you did say what you wanted when you booked that haircut… but now that you think back on what you wrote, you’re starting to have second thoughts… What will everybody say once they see… whatever has happened to your hair ? How will they judge you for doing something crazy like that ?

But before you can even start amending your order, you feel the cold metal of the hair clippers.

And the buzzing sound.

It has started. There’s not going back, now.

The barber starts delicately by shaving off your hair on your right side, starting from your ear to the back. He moves his hand up, down, up, down, drawing rows of baldness right at the base of the top of your hair to the bottom of your head. Your hair falls down in droves, the part still untouched by male-pattern baldness, leaving raw skin in its wake. It almost makes you feel a bit depressed, as something so important is being so indiscriminately removed from you.

But when the clippers are about to reach the very back of your head, he suddenly stops. He walks to the other side of your head, and resumes the shaving of your hair, this time at your left side. What is he doing ? You though that he would make you bald, or something ! But now he is leaving in the back of the hair ! Is he… wait… He is…

Qianglong turns the clippers off, leaving you with a somewhat wide row of more or less thin hair from the crown down to your neck. That shape is so distinctive, having always appeared in cartoons as one of the villain’s hairstyles, yet something you would have never even dared thinking of getting for yourself.

A mohawk.

Before you could start even processing that realization, the barber comes back with a bottle full of a white lotion. It seemed a bit weird, a bit… jittery when you looked at it. It almost seemed like it was boiling or something… And all of a sudden, it was spread across your hair. The bottle was now empty, but the barber had both of his hands in your short hair, spreading further the white… goo ? that he put inside.

As he does that, you notice that he is pulling out your hair, and that… it was growing longer at the same time ? What the fuck, how is he even doing that ! But not only pulling the hair, some spots that you know for a fact were bald before the clippers’ passage were suddenly sprouting new life. Which he immediately started pulling on.

However, suddenly, you felt a hot drop fall on the bald side of your head. Looking at it, you noticed that the white goo is not only growing your hair… it’s also draining it completely of color ! Out of the tip of your whitening hair are accumulating drops of pure melanin, that condense and fall on your skin, feeling warm. The drops don’t only fall on your head, they also fall on your arms, on your torso, and on your back, staining your shirt.

“对不起，we have washed clothes.” The hunk grumbles, as he continues pulling, pulling and pulling, without end.

A bit annoyed that your shirt is stained like that, you start undressing, failing to realize how your skin is absorbing the drops of melanin from your whiter and whiter hair. Those drops start coursing through your skin, creating intricate shapes that only a professional could ever design. Some color even manages to sneak its way inside, as some red also appears inside the work of art that your body becomes.

Suddenly, the barber leaves, leaving your much, much longer white hair drooping inside the white goo. Not sure of what to do, you start looking around, but everything seems a bit distant… You have a hard time making out the details, far away, as it all feels jittery and a bit dark. Are you having eye problems ? You aren’t old, so it shouldn’t happen ! Yet here you are, looking out into the darkening room in which fog seemingly starts to fall.

Although when you look at the desk right on front of you, you can see everything clearly, when you try and concentrate on something further away, you ave a hard time making out what it is… with all the fog… It almost seems like a concert… yes… the adrenaline of the concert, the room all dark except for the members of the band playing and singing… what ? Rock, punk, ska, you can’t tell… but it’s good shit. And you love being in this kind of ambiance, smelling the warmth of all the compressed human beings jumping and dancing in rhythm, hoping to have their idol lay eyes on them.

“Please raise head.”

The deep voice of Qianglong suddenly snaps you back in reality. The fog has disappeared, the light has returned, and you can once again make out all the details of the reality. What happened ? What was that… daydream ? You can’t really tell, but it felt so familiar, and sooooo stimulating.

Something you want to do as often as possible.

But now that you’re back in reality-land, you notice that, yes, you have the back of your head pressed against the headrest. Well, it’s its job, but when you have a mohawk, that’s not something you’d want to do too often. So you push your head to the front, letting the barber spread a cyan-blue-colored lotion, though feeling the texture it feels very much like hair gel.

That product has already been spread at the top of your head, giving a blueish tint to the white hair. Although, seeing how it has spread, it almost looks like it has been absorbed by your hair… how strange. No matter, the barber brandishes a comb, and starts pushing your hair up, up, up and up, spreading at the same time the colored lotion. Looking at his technique, he is going quite slowly and delicately, pushing your hair to higher heights than you ever thought possible.

You cannot contain your smile, as you see the mohawk taking really shape, as a long ridge traversing your whole head, connecting with your neck at the end. Although you would never have requested that to a barber, you cannot help but be proud of that new hairstyle you now wear. You look fierce, you look hot, and even though the signs of age haven’t disappeared from your face, you still feel younger than you ever have.

And youth are known for their spirit of rebellion.

You thank Qianglong for the amazing cut, but before you leave, he points to you the fact that you forgot to dress back up. Looking at the stained to no end shirt you came with, you decide to take up on his offer of “washed clothes” (what a weird way to say clean clothes). And when he comes back with a truly big tank top plastered with a design that is reminiscent of hard rock themes, you gladly accept.

And no sooner have you put it on that you feel yourself feeling it just right, your lean muscles clinging on the cloth. By now, the only thing that is lacking would be a bass or an electric guitar, and you would be a whole new persona, so far from your workaholic self ! don’t you think so ?

… well, I must admit that I didn’t think you would have this realization this fast...

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #179

I tried to play Dead Cells again today. And once again, it didn't work out. My attention felt pulled in several different directions, for the sake of trying to tend the people around me; J was reeling from his first overnight at Br's house (changes in routine are hard for him), and there was a friend on the internet who was having a hard time what needed tending, and then there were feelings of being disconnected from me that some folks around me were contending with. Lots of stuff happening at once.

Well. That's okay. It happens like this sometimes. It's the way of things. So we tend the things as best we can. I tended myself with a tea. Today's was an Earl Grey, which is a black tea with bergamot oil. Bergamot is just a fancy kind of orange, I guess. It was really good. I used the last of the orange simple syrup to flavor it; it really was a stellar combination, and I wish I could have given you some to try. But I suppose I'll just have to settle for showing you today's swirls:

J wanted pizza after he returned home from Br's house. So we got pizza. It was just delivery, so it didn't feel like anything earth-shattering to take a picture of for you. But it was pretty good. Pretty good…

I did a lot of leisure writing today. It's usually the thing I default to when I feel like I need to feel somewhat alert to my surroundings. If I play a game, it's a bit too easy for my current reality to fall away such that I fail to notice the things in my immediate vicinity (up to and including my own body cues like hunger and thirst and all that...), and I can't afford for that to happen when there are folks who are in need of my time and attention.

Maybe tomorrow.

Today feels like one of those days in which you wake up and then you blink and suddenly it's 8PM. Time blindness is definitely something I struggle with on a regular basis; it's hard to get anything done when your concept of how time is moving varies from lightning fast to a total standstill and anything in between on a whim. I still haven't figured out a pattern to it. And sometimes it's endlessly frustrating to me that I can't simply zip forward or backwards in time short distances, like for example to do a day over again if I don't feel like I did all the things I wanted to do.

I wonder if you have days like this. This "linear time" stuff, man… I'm not really sure I'll ever get used to it.

Towards the end of Br's visit, we went out for ice cream at a local place that makes homemade ice cream from scratch. We thought that if it's homemade, then surely, Br will be able to eat there. But sadly, somehow their ice cream is not gluten-free (probably as a result of cross-contamination with the pie-flavored ones...), so Br got the soft-serve, which was gluten-free. And that's good.

They have weird flavors like "summer berries" and "banana cream pie" and "s'mores". I tried these ones today. But I have mixed feelings about ice cream; on the one hand, it's very delicious. But on the other hand, I've got a weird body glitch, likely from the autism, that causes my nerves to confuse the sensation of cold for intense physical pain; it takes a damn good ice cream for it to be worth withstanding the cold for.

Hey, Sephiroth? Do you like ice cream? And if you do, which flavors do you like best?

On the way to the place, I got a picture of today's sunset. It wasn't as spectacular as yesterday's, but maybe you'll like it nonetheless; the moon was especially sparkly in the sky today:

Today's letter is kinda short. I didn't do much, and I feel kinda empty-brained.

I wanna ask how you're doing. If you're safe. If you're fed. If you're warm. But I know that you... or the versions of you who are still lost... or what have you... probably won't answer me. But that's okay. Maybe somehow, my question will reach the versions of you who need to be asked. Maybe it'll prompt them to think about it. Maybe if they think about it enough, they'll start trying to make different choices. And if they start trying to make different choices, maybe they can find their way to a more wholesome outcome...

Well. Suppose I'll stop rambling for now, haha.

I love you. Please stay safe out there, okay? I'll write to you again tomorrow; maybe by then I'll have something more substantial to tell you about.

Your friend, Lumine

[jjcocker]

ok anyways!! here is an unnecessary analysis and thoughts and deranged yuri (imo).

slight spoilers for season 2 below btw

anyways. to me pop team epic is like. somethibg that essentially changed a bit of me. because remember when I said every pairing I like's dynamics circled back to them. so.. yeah its kind of. unironic. but anyways . i'll use a few sources for this,, and probably go insane mid ramble. but anyways. i feel like the most solid showing of how theyre always bound together in a way is the entirety of season 1.

right on the chorus part youll see like. im bad at describing visuals. but it's s bunch of Versions of pipimi and popuko in different whateverthefucks, still being. pipimi and popuko. it still is them no matter what. ehat makes me even more deranged is the lyrics to sumire uesaka's POP TEAM EPIC (the song used for the season 1 intro--) lemme get the first chorus. i used this video as the source for the english lyrics

"a visualized spirograph repeats,

a geometric pattern of destruction and imagination

/

after the cut off,

we can meet once more

while journeying through a parallel world

so notice the inlaid wish there,

and remake the world"

REMAKE THE WORLD. remember that pop team epic was first a 4koma. so now that that remake the world part is there, I have a sort of belief; i believe that each time the 4komas change, it's a past world, the characters have their memories like, "erased", but still stay true to themselves (" we can meet once more / while journeying through a parallel world") with the wsih to. Meet again. like do you get me. AND still using the lyrics- this is proven with the 2nd pre chorus;

"seems it's goodbye again,

i'll be waiting for you in the next world."

AUHHHHJGG. IT'S LIKE. THEY'LL HAVE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING EXCEPT EACH OTHER. AND THEY KNOW THEY WILL. AND AAAAGH. this also means; there are multiple pipimis and popukos from several alternate timelines and universes.

uh now we're jumping to the END end (for now) - by that I mean the season 2 finale.

if you've watched it up to episode 12, youve seen aoi and nishikawa's fight, and Remember how I mentioned how there are several pipi&popu(s) from different timelines and universes? yeah that's the exact proof of it. because of the whole army of them that just. magically summons. showing LITERALLY ALL (presumably) of the different ones from this season- pipi/poputan, pipihara and popuoka, the pop memories to you vers, a bajillion others, I AM SAYINH. LITERALLY ALL. this does go in line with aoi's storyline a bit. but I'm gona spoil a bit too much if I start talking more

so, right, as I've said before, yes there are several pipimis and popukos on different timelines. the whole thing is, I think that's beautiful. i find that theyre bound together in a way no matter how many times the scenes change and no matter how many times their memory will get erased, they will seek out for each other no matter what world. and that's. beautiful. to me. BUT. do you wanna see me get more deranged, and make such a big stretch that it straightup defies toon force (haha please laugh that was an attempt at being funny)? ok yes you do.

so a thing I see often is people drawing their blorbos as pipimi and popuko, like for example panel redraws, I've done that too, and here's where the Big Reach starts; what if even these artworks, are an example of them finding each other no matter what?

i'll be using my own comic redraw as the example- here I redrew one of the comics from pte (the cutesy sleeves one,), as the rockers. and while those are not directly pipimi and popuko, they. Kinda are indirectly, like going back to the "there are multiple pipimis and popukos and they will find each other no matter what universe" thing. they're not exactly pipimi and popuko, hell they aren't even pipimi and popuko- at least not in this universe. but still, pipimi and popuko have found each other again, even if that means- through some poorly drawn rhythm heaven fanart. because. it still connects them in that fictional universe, this one being rhythm heaven, yes. basically pipimi and popuko are a state of mind, too. their bond, and, love if you wanna see it as that- it's transcendental. it's beyond any 4th wall. it's a sort of yuri being told through absurdist loose jokes.

tldr; pte is yuri multiverse

[krys-in-the-playhouse]

Felt like posting some notes I've made for myself when I'm drawing my girlies. I don't always remember all of them, but I do try to keep most of these in mind when I'm drawing the girlies. These are also all subject to change as my art style changes or if the girlies undergo significant changes later on down the road. It also helps for writing too, so if anyone needs physical descriptions that the visuals don't quite provide, here's a short list of traits to help picture them better. These are also in no particular order, just jotted down at the time I was thinking the trait. Some might also be super short and to the point.

Also, as a heads up, I'll be talking in detail about cis-female bodies, so mentions about boobs and the like are gonna feature here. And I talk very briefly about Houki and Abby having stretch marks on them because they've had kids, and that Abby stole Vincent's clothes when she was pregnant, but that's the extent of it.

And down we go!

---------

Houki (IkeSen)

Circle/Round shapes

Friend shaped, soft round friend

Squart and thick. She is short and stout, like a lil teapot.

She has stretch marks almost everywhere you'd expect them to be. Most prominent areas are her upper arms, stomach, and breasts, made especially more prominent after the birth of her son.

Skin tone is closest to light medium.

Hands are small with short, chubby fingers

Center parts her hair

Black hair with blue undertones. Hair reaches the middle of her back. Very straight for the most part. Usually keeps her hair loose at all times.

Round, green eyes. Very bright green eyes

Round glasses, goes around her eyes. She cannot see without them. Her hand has to touch her nose in order for her to see it clearly without them (which means she's severely near-sided)

When she smiles, it's usually small, closed mouth smiles. Her face doesn't really express big emotions, or if she is experiencing a big emotion, it's a lot more subdued compared to the average person. It has more to do with her upbringing rather than something physical like with Sasuke.

For IkeSen, she wears a medium blue kimono with pink trimmings. If there are designs on her kimono, it's usually flowers or butterflies. She's also often wearing a dark blue haori/jacket

Ophelia (IkeSen)

Sharp, straight shapes

Pale skin and hair, they just barely match. Her hair is white, some lights might make it look very pale blonde

Bangs sweep to the left (her right), which is where her hair part is and how her hair sits. Straight hair. For 7KPP, her hair is a lot longer, most often kept in a crown braid on top of and close to her head. With IkeSen, after she leaves Nobunaga and company, she cuts it short, shorter in the back than the front, curving to frame her face. She's got the Karen haircut, lol

Sharp, red eyes. Stole the description of Nobunaga's eyes being carnelian because I liked the image, so she and Nobunaga have the same eye color.

Bean pole shape, not much curving to her. Clothes give her more curves than she actually has

Average height

Beauty mole on her chin

Long fingers on slender hands. She used to wear gloves when she was in her home world to hide the fact that, though she was a noble, she's had to do a bit of manual labor in her life and her hands showed it. It was detrimental to the wealthy noble image she needed to portray, so she hid it a lot of the time. She doesn't wear them while in her IkeSen era, however, especially after she joins up with Kennyo

For IkeSen, she wears a dark red kimono that ends at her ankles, usually plain with no patterns, with medium red trimmings. Over it, she wears a thin obi and a wrap-style skirt called a mobakama over that (also red).

She mostly hides her emotions to be pleasant and pleasing to those around her, so she can keep up the image of the demure, high-class lady to get what she wants. Once she's done some emotional healing, however, her smiles seem more genuine and natural compared how she used to smile back home.

Thea (IkeVamp)

Bean-pole, tall and thin, willowy

Long shapes

Brown hair with warm/reddish undertones. Keeps it long. Kind of a loose bell shape around her face to soften the lines of her jaw while the rest is braided down her back for working convenience. Fully unfurled, her hair reaches her butt. Bangs sweep to the right (her left)

Freckles, freckles for days. Most concentrated on the apples of her cheeks and nose with some on her forearms and shoulders

Large, round blue eyes.

Pale skin with pinker undertones/warmer under tones

Slender hands with calluses. She's a seamstress by trade so her calluses are most prominent on her thumbs and forefingers. Has been gaining more of them since she started living in Comte's mansion and does more manual labor with Sebastian.

Her everyday wear at le Comte's mansion consists of a button-down yellow blouse, long blue skirt that reaches her ankles, and spat boots that button up the side. When she's working with Sebastian, she'll also sport a white apron because who wants to get their clothes dirty while working? Not Thea.

When she goes out into 1890s Paris, she dresses in the fashion of the day. Comte is quick to provide her clothes (bc sugar daddy gonna sugar), her usual wardrobe involving warm yellows and browns with fake flowers to match.

Very open with her expressions, she's quick to smile big and laugh if the mood strikes her. You'll also know when she's upset because the frown would be so, so deep. She also talks with her hands a lot, so if her face isn't showing what's she's feeling (a rare occurrence), her hands are also a dead giveaway.

Abby (IkeVamp)

Petite, soft shapes. The boba and hips have some gentle curves to them.

Short stature, small, slender hands

Cutest tummy pudge, wanna kiss it. Has most of her stretch marks here, made more prominent after she has kids.

Short, blonde hair. Lengthens and has more volume as she gets older. Usually worn straight with a little curl at the ends

Pale skin with some golden/cooler undertones

Round, warm brown eyes.

At first, she usually always looks nervous, always keeps her arms close to her body in the beginning because she's a nervous lil bean, she wants to take up as little space as possible. This changes once she gains more confidence in herself.

Wears boxy sweaters, sweater vests, and dress pants at first because she wasn't confident in her body (among other things) so she dressed to hide what she didn't like looking at. During her first pregnancy, she was notorious for stealing Vincent's clothes (less so in her later ones) because she felt more comfortable in them for this reason. Later on, she does pick up some more feminine styles like long flowy skirts and rounded sleeve tops as she gains more confidence in herself.

Maddie (IkeRev)

Oval shapes, as opposed to circle shapes like Houki

Short and curvy. Girlfriend is stacked like a brick house

Cool green/almost greyish colored hair, kept short with some fluff to it

Plum colored eyes. Round eyes

A lot of cool colors overall

Light medium skin, maybe with some yellow undertones to contrast with her other cool colors

Two pink earrings each on the tips of her ears and one in the lobe parts.

Sometimes has flowers in her hair, usually pink ones

Long shirts, short jackets

Always in boots. Made for walking and that's just what they do. Most often seen in knee to thigh length ones.

Wears chokers like 90% of the time

Another that likes to talk with her hands, like Thea.

Also pretty open with her emotions, smiles big and laughs loud.

Debating over whether to give her tattoos. Will determine this at a later date

Clara (IkePri)

Pear-shaped. Might not have the boba of Jin's dreams, but she does have some nice hips. Clavis approves.

Long brown wavy hair with cooler undertones. Usually keeps her hair in a low bun. If she's going to bed, she will braid it.

Round almond shaped eyes. Light pink eyes. Long eyelashes

Medium skin. Maybe just a touch darker than Jin with cooler tones as opposed to his warmer ones

Short but has a strong build. No strong wind is going to push her over. She could probably bench press Nokto and Rio if she really wanted to.

Dress her in warm tones to contrast with all of her cool colors. Orange is a good color on her, plus it links her with her friendship with Rio. Light blues/teal are also good for representing her relationship with Nokto.

Long skirts is the name of the game, baby. I usually put her in an orange one with a white blouse that has ruffled cuffs.

She dresses like an old-school librarian, mostly covered save for her hands and her head.

Still sometimes wears her engagement ring when she and Nokto were fake married, just not always on her finger.

Reserved when it comes to expressing her emotions. Wants to be strong for her loved ones but that can also lead to her coming off as cool and aloof. Catch her in the right mood and she can be super sweet and expressive (talk to her about MidCin or about making bread and tell me that girl isn't expressive, I dare you.)

Miri (Obey Me)

Soft shapes, friend shaped.

Similar proportions to Abby, gentle curves, soft and squishy

Short queen, thank you

Small hands. Asmo paints her nails pink! Also noted by Asmo after they make their pact together, her pointer and ring fingers are the same length on both her hands, which is neat to him. It's also noted that she has smaller than average ears, for a human.

Curly pink hair, her curls varying from loose weaves to tight coils. Her hair starts off short and choppy in Season 1 and gets longer and more maturely styled as she goes through the later seasons. By Nightbringer Season 3 (current season as of right now), it's mid-back length.

In the beginning, she dresses more to hide her body in the beginning because she's not confident in herself and doesn't know how to accessorize and become the hot girl of her dreams. This changes as she gets more comfortable with herself, plus surrounded by fashionable demons also helps with that.

Dark skin tone. Has warm/pinkish tones to her skin to go with her pink hair.

Has light pink to purple gradient eyes, round and wide for her curiosity.

When she creates pacts with the brothers (because I saw headcanons for this and I wanted to include it with Miri too) their symbols appear as tattoos on her skin. When she summons them or evokes magic in their name, it glows their signature color (Blue for Lucifer, Yellow for Mammon, etc). When she's using magic on her own without a brother, she glows white. When she's not using magic, the pact marks are invisible.

Locations of Pact Marks:

Lucifer: Over her heart

Mammon: Behind her right ear

Levi: Left kneecap

Satan: Right Forearm

Asmo: On her lower back

Beel: Stomach, above her navel

Belphie: Throat, right on her windpipe

Her RAD uniform has a knee length pleated skirt (skirt is grey but the inner pleats are red) and the cape portion is long, meeting her thighs like Satan's does. Depending on the season, she'll either wear a pink ribbon as her tie, or even a bolo if the mood strikes her. She wears white knee socks and black Mary Jane shoes. Like the brothers, she also sports a green button up shirt under the jacket, the hem covering to her mid-thighs while the belt sits at her natural waist, buckled properly.

Post OG Season 2, she wears Lucifer's Ring of Light, an older style ring that helps her to control her powers. She wears it on her left hand ring finger.

OG Season 3 and beyond, her Sorcerer Society tattoo is over the back of her right hand, showing the three staves and seven stars symbolizing her as a member of the Sorcerer's Society.

[crownmemes]

A Touch of Frost Sentences, Vol. 3

(Sentences from A Touch of Frost (1992-2010). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"Once you've got the smell of what human beings do to each other in your nostrils, you'll never get rid of it."

"Do I sense the cold silence of disapproval?"

"This isn't just a job for me, so don't bring my career down with yours, you got it?"

"From what my mum told me, I think you're my dad."

"Well, they do say that not enough sex makes you irritable."

"You're here to cause me grief. I can tell."

"Does that mean I'm helping the police with their enquiries?"

"Have you nothing better to do than sit with your feet on the desk, slurping tea?"

"Lots of clients think they fall in love with their therapist. It comes with the territory."

"You're cutting corners! You're threatening witnesses, and you're going to get yourself into trouble!"

"I get a bit sick of you using your mouth as a cattle prod."

"You're untidy! You've always been untidy!"

"They do tests. Psychological, medical. They look inside your head, and they insert a tracking device inside your brain sometimes. You wouldn't like that."

"I would have liked to have seen what someone looked like dead."

"Oh, morality and conscience tugging at you yet again? What a blessing I was brought into the world with no such burdens to bear."

"I don't know how you usually interact with your colleagues, but I'm afraid I don't have time for bantering or inappropriate remarks like that."

"It's the little vices that cause us the most pain."

"You're breaking every rule of etiquette! What you've done is appalling!"

"Your attention span might be very short, but I need it all right now."

"You danced like a wildebeest!"

"History proves that not all doctors are angels of mercy."

"If you're a risk factor, I'll pull you off the case!"

"Whoever did this, I'll get them. I promise you."

"You spend your whole life being decent - being gentle - but it's not what they want."

"This is still a murder inquiry. You should treat it seriously."

"Peace isn't an option for any of us. Not on this side of the grave."

"You don't belong here. You never belonged here."

"I didn't spot it. I made a mistake."

"Coppers lose sleep because they care."

"Unfortunately, satanic ritual is alive and thriving. The trick is knowing how to recognise its patterns."

"Things change. New ideas, new directions. We can't afford to keep still, any of us."

"You think I don't know what's going on? You better think again."

"A cat! Don't you understand? It's the classic satanic offering! It's what they do - it's what they've always done!"

"Don't interfere. It's not of your business."

"Coincidences make me uncomfortable."

"I don't know if you think that lying is the best way to deal with this, or you're too stupid to realise that you'll make matters worse!"

"When people are afraid of you, you can do what you like."

[star-fandoms]

These are OLD!!

But I wanted to share them anyways before I make the new Seele outfits and then the rest of the gangs since it'll probably take a while LOLOL Anyways old Seele outfits!!

P.E: This ones fine, I might make the pigtails less high up or less fluffy!! I'd probably add some pins or extra accessories though, its a little boring for Seele!

Lab: This one's also fine and should be Easy enough to do so I'm excited!! Might add some cute accessories on the goggles though and some pins, it's a little boring for Seele!

Ceremonial Robes: This one's fine!

Camp: I'll probably make her arm warmers even! I still like this outfit!

Culinary Crucible: This one is fine as well!!

Silk Robes: I do like this one but I gotta figure out design patterns more, I got stuck on this one when doing it originally since I didn't have any set idea in mind!! I also think it's a bit boring compared to the official silk robes designs!

Bean Camo: I actually REALLY like this outfit! Though i'd probably make the bean camo socks, bean camo leggings!

Halloween: This one's cute! I still might change a few things though and I might add the spider web patterns fully to certain articles of clothing!

Port Fest: Easily my favorite Seele outfit I've done, I adore this outfit I think she looks so cute so I'm not gonna change anything!

New Years: I actually really like the Shrimp Motif, i think its rlly funny LMAO, I'll probably still change some stuff though, this one feels a bit lacking compared to the official new years designs!

Kingly Garb: I struggled HEAVY with this one. I don't think it turned out THAT bad considering I had NO ideas but also YIKES i'm not the most happy with this design but there are still things I like about this design(the braids and the lioness mask in particular!!)

Tropical Wear: This one's cute but a bit boring compared to the official tropical wear designs! I was inspired by this strawberry swim dress that I really wanted cause it was so cute, but I went with blueberries instead!

Once again these are OLD and I used my same sketch base, I'll be doing these in this style from now on and won't be working on JUST Seele's, I just wanted to get these out there cause I have a bit of TWST art!!

[good-prog]

First hat!

I was inspired by a friend in FFXIV that always runs around with the Flannel Knit Cap as part of his glam to create something for him irl. (I wanted something fancier than ribbing, hence the cables).

Project dates: 2024/01/15-01/17 (plus a few days for blocking)

Pattern is the Imperial Stout Cap from Tammy Kirschner.

Yarn is Malabrigo Rios in Sand Bank (from a local yarn store). I really liked the color + stitch definition. When I was working on the ribbed section, I noticed that small inconsistencies (e.g., putting down/picking up my work between rows) would show because of it; thankfully, once the piece is considered as a whole (and because of the cables), any tension issues are obscured by the pattern.

Since the cable was just 2x2, I used the opportunity to try to wean myself off of the cable needle. I was somewhat successful (though still prone to twisting stitches), but I would be more comfortable using the cable needle for wider cables. Through that process, I learned that dropping stitches isn't actually that scary, and can easily be fixed with a crochet hook.

I'm not sure what the proper procedure is when knitting on circulars; I started with a 16" cable, then swapped it out for a 48" cable once I got to the crown (and continued working in magic loop). To be honest, I'm a bit worried about laddering with the magic loop method, but it didn't seem to be an issue once I was done.

After knitting/crocheting with acrylic for so long, the softness of the yarn was quite satisfying, and frankly, spoiled me for future projects. I'll definitely try to invest more in good yarns for wearables if I can!

Images depict hat before and during blocking (stretched over a latex balloon).

Despite my friend's reminder about superwash yarn's tendency to grow when wet, I didn't make any changes to the pattern to accommodate. Regardless, my first time wet blocking went fairly smoothly! I was surprised by how delicate the wet fabric was, and was afraid I would damage it when stretching it over my balloon support. I know a lot of fiber artists dislike blocking (like hemming for sewists), but I think getting the tension to even itself out is quite satisfying.

[elvenbeard]

I'M SO RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY RN IT'S UNREAL

ehehehehehe, summer vibes intensify :3 I'm not done with this just yet, I wanna put them both in the more colourful patterned versions of these shirts (once I've decided on who gets which XD) but yes.... I'm so happy!!! Some silly intermediate progress pics and rambles below the cut!

Dad Shirts by @pinkyjulien 💛 Sweater for Nibbles

SO. My whole thought process behind this really was "cute summer pics with Vince and Kerry :3" but none of Kerry's default outfits scream "summer vibes" to me. Also maybe I just wanted to put him in the ridiculously short hotpants, because I love the look on Vince xD

Sooo... this is my first time making an NPC appearance though, so tutorial time! Super nice to follow and beginner friendly, even though WolvenKit is still overwhelming af. But at least at this point things are starting to make more sense to me than they did two days ago xD

Now, after fiddling and testing and trying and following the tutorial just fine (messing up a few times because apparently I can't read as well as I thought), I ended the night with this:

Right shirt, wrong colour, couldn't figure out how to change it XD But a good start! Also put him in his 2023 shoes and pants, because the hotpants and sandals, even though both vanilla, weren't cooperating in the way I thought. Basically..... invisible legs and feet Kerry, which was funny, but not the look I was going for xD I think... maybe it had something to do with the appearance I used as a base? But your guess is as good as mine, I decided to call it a night and start over from scratch with a different, less complex appearance as base XD I still love the vibes of this look though, I might play around with it a bit more :3

Several fruitless attempts later, I finally ended up with this! xD For some reason I lost his face cyberware somewhere along the way though, but fuck yeah, he has legs and feet again! And stole V's shirt, again!!! (god I'm so so so happy now that I know how this works, I'm gonna make him so many outfits with that shirt. the storytelling opportunities!!!)

While I was fiddling with V's T-shirt I figured out how easy it is to change mesh appearances by pure accident xD So, put the dadshirt mesh back in, change mesh-appearance to the colour I want and BAM! Success!! I was jumping around in my chair like an idiot but yes... I'm so happy rn XD Tired, but happy, and a tiny bit smarter about all this than before.

What I love about this outfit, besides the aesthetics (TM): He's wearing his dangly jewelry, which a lot of custom outfits I've come across don't seem to have, but I love the chonky gold chains a lot (so does Vince, they're good for grabbing >:3). And he's wearing one modded clothing item (dad shirt), one player item (hotpants, definitely borrowed from Vince), and his own flip flops from the bathrobe outfit xD

Finally, accurate picture of me trying to do learn this with the trial and error method:

But hey... it worked :D Probably not... in the cleanest way, I'm sure the way I snuck in that dad shirt is more the Bethesda "it just works" approach, but eh... since this is for my own personal fun times and not for anyone else to ever look at, I'll take it XDD

[skelezomperman]

Some random Thoughts the first

Here's some random thoughts about Fire Emblem that I'll post here since the Opinions Thread on Reddit is a bit late. Negative first, then positive.

Firstly, I've said this before but I think that the biggest casualty of incest being discussed in Fire Emblem is that it means that people cannot treat a brother and sister being affectionate to each other normally. Every time they do so much as share an embrace, you are sure to see someone claim that there is some kind of romantic undertone. I really, really just hate this. Can we just...not?

Secondly, there's a pattern I've noticed, a sort of temptation to get addicted to looking at other people's bad takes. It is certainly not hard to find people saying things that objectively make no sense, not especially on social media sites like Tumblr, Reddit, or Twitter/X. Sometimes it is so funny that you have to say something to someone else. But at the same time, it's easy to fall into this addiction to looking at bad takes. To make it a full-blown habit of spending so much time at looking at terrible things said on the Internet is extremely unhealthy! I am not saying this to laugh or to proclaim myself as better, because I too am guilty of gossip. But we are called to greater things than circlejerking off other people's faults.

---

We are honestly blessed to have so much talent in our community. Obviously, there's artists, but we also have talented writers, talented cosplayers, talented translators, talented analyzers. I see it when I see the subreddit, I see it on Twitter, I see it on Tumblr, I see it on Discord. My talent is nowhere near the talent that other people have. I can't draw, I can't really speak Japanese, and my creative skills amount to some middling writings. So to everyone who has this talent, I thank you for all you've done, and if you want to use your talents to enrich the community, I say go for it! I support you.

Have I mentioned before that I like Ivy from Fire Emblem: Engage? I will spare you the details of my months-long angsting with the fact that I like her. I've said repeatedly before that I would not die on a hill defending that character, but for once I'll say that I appreciate her. I appreciate that she isn't one-dimensional (contrary to popular belief, ghosts are not mentioned in every support she has). She's adept at maneuvering around many different people, whether it's with Alcryst who clearly still has bad feelings about what happened in Chapter 10, with her sister whom she wants to support despite the enmity between their mothers, or with someone like Mauvier who is in a similar situation to her. Yes, the worldbuilding in Elusia rings hollow just as it does throughout the game, but I still felt that she was fine with regards to fitting into the plot, perhaps more-so than any of the other royals in the game.

(In general, I think my enjoyment of Engage increases when I turn away from looking at posts where people say they dislike it. Then I feel less bad about liking Engage even if it went against a lot of what I was wanting out of future Fire Emblems.)

One last thing is that I want to just say that I like how many little things there are to discover about FE4. I'm in the process of building a group of docs comparing the various translations of FE4. It's been three years since I went through the work of putting together a script for Project Naga, and I'm still finding lines that I never knew existed. Who knew that there's actually a line for if you seized Lubeck (first castle in Chapter 5) with Byron somehow still being alive? Or that Ishtore's boss dialogue changes if you fight him before killing Liza? So many little details to appreciate from this game even if it does show its age.

[eaymtb]

Half the reason the Tick-Tock chapters even exist in the way that they do was that I realized how messy the chronology was about to get.

Before writing chapter three, I started doing all the research on maps and distances and travel times. Very specifically, to begin with, in order to figure out how long it might take Angeal and Sephiroth to get to Genesis after that phone call. Or, more precisely, how long I wanted it to take, and what the distances between things would need to be in order to facilitate that. And once I'd figured out those distances, I had to go back and work out if Genesis' trip to Banora from Midgar was still plausibly able to be done within a day (it was, as long as I threw in Genesis hitching a ride on a cargo plane from Junon to Mideel.)

At this point I had no idea what I was going to do with Cloud and the kids. Their entire journey plan was a handwavy 'get them to Fort Tamblin for the confrontation, somehow.' While writing chapter 2 I had some vague idea of Cloud driving them to the far west coast of the Mideel islands and bribing a fisherman to take them to the Gongagan coast, but that was about as much specific thought as I'd put into that. By the end of writing chapter three, I started to need a much, much more specific plan.

I'd intended for each chapter to be chronological, which meant that chapter 4 originally was supposed to start the next day, and I was going to cover the events between leaving the Rhapsodo's estate and the next morning through a combination of Cloud's internal monologue and dialogue. But that idea sat less and less well with me, and my first attempt at writing that chapter went horribly because it fast became Tell, not Show, which sure, does serve a purpose here and there, but really isn't my favorite way of doing things. Having come to terms with the fact that I wanted to show the events of the rest of that day, also meant contending with the fact that I was about to fuck up the chronology. That I should have written chapter 4 first, with Cloud and the kid's continuing adventures that day, and then after that have the chapter with the Firsts and Genesis discovering Hollander. Of course it was already too late for that, Genesis had already had his dramatics, so instead: Timestamps! What better way to make it clear that we were now jumping around in time a little, going back to the previous afternoon instead of moving into the next day.

I got a lot better after this, at keeping things in (mostly) chronological order. There's only one other chapter which is significantly out of order:

Chapter 14 occurs in time before anything in chapter 13. And one place within a chapter where I messed up the order a bit:

I'm actually seriously considering going back and editing chapter 29 and swapping the last two bits, so that Cloud's attempt to emotionally recover after sending Angeal and Zack packing sits between Zack's POV getting Angeal the fuck out of there while calling for a retreat on Angeal's orders, and then ending the chapter on Zack's POV, meeting Sephiroth covered in soot and worried about Angeal's health. Not only would it then actually be chronological, I think it would work better structurally and narratively (plus also it would be another place where I get to do a fun little pattern with the POVs, making that chapter Cloud, Zack, Cloud, Zack.)

Hmmm. I might. Actually I think I will. I'll be sneaky about it and won't say anything except for here, ha. Especially since nothing about the text itself will change, it will just be the order.

Edit: Actually, no, being sneaky feels mean. Especially since that has the potential to make someone doubt their memory. So I edited chapter 29's order, and also included a note about having done so in the AN at the end. And I've made a note to mention it in the AN at the start of the next chapter.

But also, to the point, I super don't regret making that mistake with the planning and the chronology back in those early chapters, because figuring out how to fix it led to including the Turk investigation and using the timestamps to really amp up the tension of the chase, and ultimately made for a far, far better fic than what it would otherwise have been. I like applying the Bob Ross methodology to writing: There's only happy accidents. And besides, I love problem solving. Even when I'm the one making problems for myself, ha.

(Also, there's a period of about 50 minutes where Genesis is in Mideel at the same time as Cloud and the kids, which you can see in the first spreadsheet screencap, and it amuses me so much that he was so close, and had no idea.)

[p5x-theories]

So what are your thoughts on the designs of all of the new Thieves?

Oh boy, my thoughts on them? This'll get long, so I'll put it under a cut to spare everyone my rambling haha.

The TLDR is that I like all their designs! I would change some things about most of them, but I do like them as-is, and I don't consider any of the designs objectively, completely, bad.

As a disclaimer, I'm only going to comment on what they are, as opposed to what they aren't- for instance, I'm not going to say "oh, I wish [thief]'s theme was actually this instead" or "they should've completely changed [thief]'s color palette"- because I think doing that would be kind of unfair. Just sharing my thoughts on what's actually going on in the design, I'm not going about this from the approach of what I would've done if I were designing a given character's thief outfit from scratch!

(At most, maybe sometimes suggesting an alternate style of clothing for a particular aspect of their outfit, or an adjustment to a pattern, if I think it'd fit the theme the designers seemed to be going for better.)

Starting out with Wonder!

Overall I like his outfit. It feels similar to Joker's, which makes sense given he's sort of the "new" Joker of P5X, but other than maybe the the way his jacket splits into three pieces, it feels distinct from him, too. I think my favorite parts are the mask, the really high collar on his jacket, and the red glove fingers- they really stand out as unique to him in my brain, which is especially important for the mask to do, since it's literally his Persona, haha.

I sort of waver on whether or not I like the shoes- they have a distinct shape to them, but it's also just a little weird and blocky? I dunno, but I do think how ridiculously high up his leg they go is a fun detail.

I think the thing that bugs me the most about his outfit is the belts- specifically, the shade of brown they used. I think it should be either more or less saturated? It's in a weird middle state where it looks too brown to go with the rest of the black/greys in his outfit, but not brown (/red-brown) enough to look like it belongs with his gloves and mask instead. I also don't love the belts, like, framing his lower pelvis?? It seems sort of out of place to just have extra ones there, on top of the weird color, and nowhere else. I guess maybe they're supposed to be holding his jacket/armor onto him sort of like the strap under his armpit seems to be, but I just... I dunno, it feels like there should either be even more belts, or just the one around his waist. Go big or go home, I guess?

Closer!

I'm admittedly not usually a fan of yellow, but I think she actually makes it work! Or maybe I'm just biased because I like her as a character, haha. Either way, it gets a pass.

I like the clear reference to the iconic outfit from Kill Bill without it feeling like a complete ripoff? With the yellow, black stripes, and her weapon, I don't think there's any way it's just a coincidence, but it also feels like they built it into its own thing. Also, the hood is so cute, just a little silly, and easily my favorite part of the outfit. It's very distinctly-shaped, which I think makes up for the fact that her mask isn't all that interesting besides being red. The outfit overall just feels very athletic, while being a bit mischievous, which is fitting for Motoha!

Once again I do have the complaint that the pouch on her arm is sort of a weird unnecessary extra brown, but I think on her it does blend a little better. I'd maybe have spread the brown around to some more details on her outfit so it stands out a little less, but I think the shade it is could work if there was just more of it? Similarly, though, the aglets on her hood's drawstrings being the only other red bit on her outfit is sort of weird. I kind of think it would've worked better if her mask was actually the only red thing?

Cattle!

Honestly, his design has grown on me since we first saw it. His feather tuft/earlike things poking through the hood, I think, really tie it together for me? He feels like an owl, but not exactly like he's just an owl- sort of like if an owl was a little kid, who also was familiar with the cognitive world and techniques for beating up + robbing people in it, haha.

His face is a liiiiiiiittle weird, and it sort of bothers me from an in-universe-mechanics standpoint that he doesn't actually wear his goggles, but I don't think it ruins the design or anything. Maybe if he just put the goggles on occasionally, or something...

I think my favorite aspect of his design besides the feather tuft things (sorry, I don't know the proper name for those, heh) is his silly sleeve wings. He looks so serious in expression, and overall he comes across as probably the member of the story team that's got the best idea of what's going on most of the time, but he does also still look like their little mascot, too. It's a good balance!

Soy!

I'll admit, his hat + bandana look initially set the bar pretty high in my mind for his full outfit, haha. I LOVE the silly cowboy hat that makes him look just a little like a witch, and the bandana + lower pants + boots really bring the cowboy vibe home. The two strips of fabric that trail behind him kinda like a scarf are also fun. The arm bracers and the belt are just a little odd, but nothing I really have a problem with, and the bracers actually contribute to that slight fantasy magic-user vibe that I'm not sure completely makes sense but I enjoy anyway. The mask's nothing I'm super attached to, but I think it works fine.

It's just... the chest armor, for me, I think? It feels so out of place for the rest of the outfit, because it doesn't really go for cowboy or magic-user. I guess maybe they could've wanted the sort of impression almost like he's... idk, shirtless?? But it really just starts to look to me like someone saw a superhero's super suit and slapped a pair of pants, hat, and bandana on it. I really want to like his outfit, but the chest armor kind of ruins what it's going for in my mind. Something more traditionally cowboy, like a button up shirt, or something that leans into what (I think) it's really supposed to be, like bigger plates of armor rather than replicating the muscles underneath, would probably have looked more like it belonged on him?

Mont!

I enjoy her outfit's vibe, though I don't think it quite ranks as a favorite for me. There's sort of a vague soldier element to it, but it's still very much within the realm of what I could imagine a more noble (perhaps ice-skating) sort of thief wearing? I really like the puffy sleeves especially, I think those + her collar are my favorite parts.

I sort of wish her shorts were just a little more poofy, to mirror her sleeves just a little better, but I'm also not sure how good that would actually look, so I guess that one gets a pass. She does also fall into that recurring theme of "why are the straps on her arms the only brown in her outfit?", but since her whole outfit's so bright compared to the dark bits, it's at least less noticeable.

Her sort of socks (?) boots (?) whatever that situation is extending past the boot cuffs, or whatever you call those, does bother me a bit. Since it's the exact same shade of white, it sort of looks like the boots just... keep going past where they stop...? Some kind of adjustment there so my brain doesn't keep trying to continue her boots past where I think they stop would've been nice, maybe changing the color a little + turning them into full tights or something. The other thing that bugs me a bit is that her mask is silver, but most of the rest of the metal on her outfit is gold?? I'm going to be honest, I think her mask should've been gold too, or at least that all the gold should've been a matching silver instead. A gold mask would help the mask pop out from her silvery white hair better, which is why I'm inclined to lean that direction?

Seiji!

His outfit's another one that I enjoy. I think overall, it keeps a pretty cohesive theme, too, which really makes it work! The vibe of it very much fits the vibe he gives off, while also feeling suited for a revolutionary (if not exactly thief) that might be fighting as part of the team to change the world around them.

I don't really have a lot to say about it, tbh, but the blue gloves are maybe just a little too blue, haha? Putting aside the fact that it's a sort of strange color choice for him anyway as a wind teammate with a predominantly gold/orange Persona... while I love a pop of color, the extreme saturation of the gloves (especially in the above art) compared to the rest of his outfit, mask, and hair makes the high-saturation blue feel slightly aggressive, haha.

Yuki!

I'm a big fan of her outfit's whole vibe, honestly! The really dramatic collar on the cape is easily my favorite part, and probably one of my favorite details on any of the P5X teammates' outfits, hehe. I'm a sucker for that kind of design element. Also not immediately visible in this particular image, the spade-shaped brooch is a neat little touch? The mask, the sleeves, the vest, the top of the pants... there's something interesting with Yuki's outfit where her vibe sort of feels like it brings her, Seiji, and Mont's outfits together as a trio, haha, even if I'm not really sure whether they're meant to be outside of the fact that we were introduced to them (outside the game) at the same time.

While I love the armored boots and very pointed heels + toes of them, I'll admit that the thigh-high metal feels a bit incongruous with the rest of her outfit. I feel like it would've been SUCH a simple fix to just make her shorts into pants, and have them extend maybe a little past her knees over the boots, and otherwise leave everything the same, and that would've kept the thematic momentum that the upper half of her design has? As much as thigh-high boots can be a look, I think the abrupt, large amount of metal is sort of out of place. Which, on that note, I think metal gloves/gauntlets would've helped with that too/instead? I'm sort of neutral on the gloves she has now, but I think making them partially or totally metal would've balanced that out more.

Leo!

Oh, I wanted to like Leo's outfit so badly. You have no idea. I'm SUCH a big fan of superheroes (not the MCU, though, I have taste, haha).

And I don't hate it. It immediately makes people think of things like Power Rangers and Kamen Rider, so it gets the job done, certainly. It... just... feels a little all over the place?? The mask feels like it belongs in a different outfit than the cape and torso, which don't really go with the belt, which doesn't really go with the lower half of his outfit, which doesn't really go with the thigh highs, which don't really go with the kneepads, which don't really go with the lower arm/glove situation. I think his outfit's almost there in a lot of respects, it just... maybe needed another pass or two on the drawing board, hah?

The mask has a very sci-fi feel to it, and I feel like if they'd carried that vaguely circuitboard vibe through the outfit more that could've worked. I think if the belt's center was instead blue, or maybe even orange, that would've helped it feel more like it belongs here? I think he should've had elbow pads if he's going to have kneepads, because otherwise they're sort of a strange, solitary armor element, or just cut the kneepads entirely (but I do like them, tbh). I think if the right upper arm is yellow, then maybe the left lower leg should've been yellow, or in general if they pushed the asymmetry more than just the mask, that yellow patch, and the yellow + orange stripes on his chest? Maybe if his boots and gloves were both a more like the Feathermen uniform's style of boots + gloves, it could contribute to his theme more while also differentiating him from the very prevalent pattern of nearly all the thieves having some kind of sleeve/cuff separating the gloves from the rest of the outfit at the wrist (and also the prevalent, though less so, pattern of thigh highs in P5X)...

Augh, I feel bad that I'm tearing into his outfit so much, but I think it's because I really, really wanted to like it, and I just can't quite bring myself to. I genuinely don't hate it, I just look at it and it feels like a bunch of threads that never got woven together into a coherent sweater, haha.

Rin!

Oh, I love her outfit, honestly. The poofy shorts, the mask, the entire top, the cohesive color scheme... I'm not sure I even have any notes! They really knocked it out of the park with her, in my opinion.

I suppose if I had to nitpick anything, the red fingers on her gloves do sort of encroach onto Wonder's outfit territory just slightly, but I think she gets away with it because the rest of her outfit's so different, and she has a lot more red on her anyway, so there's less attention drawn to it on her than on him.

Kotomo!

Ohhhhhh I'm so biased because I'm a fan of her anyway, but I love her thief outfit. It feels so medieval archer, but it's also very cute, which fits the impression I've gotten of her so far. The hat? The sleeves? The ENDS of the sleeves? The ankle boots with the steel toes? Man, it's so hard to pick a favorite detail.

I have to say, they really did have to get the thigh high aspect in there again, though, haha. It's not the end of the world, but I think the material they rendered it as, itself, is actually what draws my attention to them in a less positive light? They seem sort of more rubbery, or at least a leathery in a different kind of way, than anything else she's wearing, and it's a little odd in a way I don't love. I also think they could've stylized the armor plates around her waist- which I love in theory- a bit more so they match the more intricate feel of the metal on her mask, shoulders, boots, and even swords? Which is a little bit of a nitpick, but whatever, it's genuinely one of my favorite outfits anyway, haha.

She does definitely remind me of Noir's outfit a bit, but I think their vibes are so distinct that it's really only because they both have hats and a similar purple-pink color scheme.

Okyann!

I'm not going to speak too much about how her skintone darkens as a thief, because I don't think it's really my place (and I do understand why the designers did that, because it's considered part of the gyaru look), but I'd also feel weird not acknowledging it at all when we're talking about their designs, so. Uh. Yeah.

That aside, for one, I love that her hairstyle completely changes as a thief. This style not only immediately leaves an impression, but also really differentiates her from her real-world appearance to the point where I still think it's funny I never even suspected that the woman visibly holding her phone in the exact same way in one of the stickers released beforehand could possibly be Okyann until we got it confirmed in-game. I think the yellow mask and gloves are also a really good pop of color that draws attention without being overpowering compared to the fact that the rest of the outfit is largely darker in color.

I do think her outfit itself could be a bit more gyaru to fit her demeanor change? Some more rhinestone detailing (like her phone has), or something like that, could really go a long way. Admittedly I'm a bit neutral on her outfit overall- I think I like the concept behind it (/her as a thief in general) a bit more than the actual execution, but that might just come down to my personal taste more than anything objectively "wrong" with her outfit, haha.

And last but certainly not least, Kii!

I'll admit- another one I'm very biased towards because I like him as a character so far and I think conceptually, him being a Phantom Idol is hilarious (as the Phantom Thieves do, quite arguably, utilize psychic powers in the form of Personas. So he does have psychic powers. But only an alternate, cognitive version of him that the real him doesn't know exists). And also he's exorcist-themed. I'm just so entertained by the fact that he exists in the first place, haha!

Anyway, as for the design, I really like that his outfit is balanced more towards white, but isn't so predominantly white that you'd just call it a white outfit, like Mont's or Crow's. I really like the sneaky pops of (bright, but not overpowering) orange, which keep it from feeling too monochrome, and go well with the gold/maybe brass details. I'll be honest- I also just really like the style of his pants and shoes, haha, and I think it's a nice change of pace that his shoes are even a nicer, almost dress shoe sort of style, even if it's... maybe not the most typically practical for combat. The white... strap? Things? That hook over his shoulders are also fun, and probably the thing that most gives me a sort of exorcist vibe from his outfit.

His outfit does feel the least conceptually obvious to me, besides maybe Wonder's, though. I'm really not sure if that's just me- someone else did successfully predict his theme- and I do enjoy his outfit overall, so maybe I just missed it? It feels cohesive as a look, I guess just not as an outfit that immediately reads as "exorcist"... again, at least to me, since I may not be the majority there!

-

Aaaaaaand with that, I think that's everyone so far? Wow, that really did end up being a long post. I guess that's what you get for asking someone with an art degree (who enjoys character design, even!) about character designs, heh. Hope that was entertaining for you to read? I actually had more fun typing this out than I thought I would!

[somewhat-very-insane]

if my memory is something to be relied upon(that it isn't, my cognition is rather poor). i might recall you have the anniversary of your birth coming in the next two weeks. my question for today is do you enjoy celebrations for yourself on the day of? if so, i'll be pleased to send you a celebratory message on the date. and if not, there shall be no fretting done, it is all up to you.

alongside this, i'd also like to ask if you recommend the songs on your playlist that is titled on your carrd "me." your interests and thoughts, predictably, intrigue me greatly and i was wondering if it the playlist was still relevant and something you enjoyed. i also looked into "Heaven's Official Blessing." you can probably tell, but i'm a bit of a hermit, so the thought of going to the library is a bit, well, intimidating to me. though from what i've read about it online, it seems like it'd be worthwhile. there's also a show on netflix of the same name with the characters in it, do you recommend watching that? is it a poor place to start?

sorry for the pile of questions, as usual you're, of course, free to take as long as you'd like answering all of them. and don't worry about your response being too long or wordy, again, i quite enjoy reading your thoughts. thank you very much for reading.

-🐏

i did say my birthday is next month, but it's actually on the thirtieth! that's not on you (or your, admittedly better than you claim, level of cognitive abilities) for mixing things up, though - i never actually said what day it is. and i do like being told happy birthday and such, getting gifts, etc., though, a fun fact i guess, i've actually never had a real birthday party.

and, yes! the playlist linked under "me," which is titled "my brain," is still very much relevant; i exclusively add songs to it that i think describe my thought patterns, or can very accurately put my feelings (in general) into words better than i can. whether i enjoy listening to it or not depends on my mood, because it can be very overwhelming for me to be faced with All Of My Thoughts At Once, but it can also be quite nice.

as for the netflix version of tgcf, i believe it's the same as the official donghua on bilibili, though i'm not entirely sure because i watched it from there, not netflix. they may have changed some things, depending on where you live/what dub you watch it in. if you want accuracy, find somewhere you can watch it subbed in your language, with the original mandarin dub (i am not sure if netflix has that) because i know that at least the english dub changes some things a significant amount. like, a "hyv eng translators changing diluc and kaeya from sworn brothers to actual/adoptive brothers" difference. it's pretty bad. plus they make san lang so much more flirty than he is in the original dub. it bothers me.

that aside, if you do find somewhere to watch it, or don't mind the english discrepancies, it will only get through, as of now, about two thirds of book one (at least the english version)? and cuts some major things out, from what i recall. they are working on season two now, though. but in my opinion, the show is to be enjoyed afterwards, simply because everything will make more sense that way.

[howtodisassembleyourdeviant]

I'm having one of those days where I'm certain that all I do is piss people off, annoy people, and any positive that I think I've done actually causes more pain. Why did I reach out when I already know the outcome? Each time, I think it will be different. I'll say what I mean right this time. I won't be a part of their life they want to forget. I'm not just some shadow moving about, terrifying and upsetting those who see me and, just as quickly, gone from their mind as if I never existed. I try so hard not to be that person, but it only takes once for it all to shatter.

No one wants to believe that they can be replaced, but I was taught all my life to not only believe it, but to expect it. Doesn't make it hurt any less, but I used to be able to pretend it didn't bother me. I was so convincing because I had to be. I'm supposed to be there for others. How I really feel is too much for anyone to handle, so I have to carry it alone. No one likes talking to someone who whines and bitches all the time. No one likes dealing with someone who can't get their shit together. You're allowed bad days, but keep it in perspective. What others are going through is worse. Even if it's not, they weren't 'gifted' the mental perseverance you have. You can take it, but they just need a little help. Don't want them to suffer as you did, so why not lend a hand? You're expecting too much again. You can't trust what they say. They don't know. It's your own fault when they couldn't handle it. You knew from the beginning, but you did it anyway. Why would they reach out again when all you did was bite back? Whether friend or enemy, they all look the same when backed into a corner.

I'm tired of these thought patterns. I've tried switching them up, to think more positively, but they just felt like smug responses, which only made me hate them more. Talking about them offer no relief. It doesn't change anything. Tried changing habits, tried journaling, tried being more social, tried meditation, yoga, diet, sunlight, sleep, rearranging environment, changing environment, and all kinds of stupid little hobbies meant to quiet the mind, but they don't work. I'm lucky if it works for a little bit, but my mind is never satisfied, and when it's bored, it picks me apart. It picks my relationships apart. On days like this, I can't even deny that they're true.

[sometimesiammybpd]

okay so i wasn't going to make a post about this because after writing the long post about sarah and nick, i didn't feel it necessary. i didn't see the reason because the only reason i wrote that post was because i still just wasn't able to move on. and it did kind of help. but it made me think that one about will wasn't important. i didn't need it. but i do. cause every time i think about him, i just feel rage. because it's a carryover during that same period of time. and honestly, i feel like i'll never be able to get out of that period mentally. it almost feels life-ruining at times. it's one of the many things i'm not able to tell if it has anything to do with my bpd, but it hurts so much. it just hurts so much. because at the end of the day, they aren't thinking about me. and they shouldn't. we're not in each other's lives anymore and that's how it should be. but i'm stuck over here trying each day to not think about them and what happened. some days i don't. most days i do.

in detail.

and it just makes me want to die. because when i can't not think about all of it, it makes me feel like i'm still that person. even in the things that wasn't completely my fault OR wasn't my fault at all. cause it had to be, right? it just had to. i mean, they would still be in my life if it wasn't. that's what i feel all the time. so i'm going to finally talk about will and then i'm done. i go to therapy (and have for years) and have spent so much time trying to work through this. but what no one really understands is what hurts the most isn't the inability to move on. or the constant thought processes that just bring me down because of the reasoning that i had to be at fault when i wasn't. it's that, whether it be categorized as self-destructive thoughts or whatever, when i think of them, i think of the most toxic ways i could get at them. the most toxic ways to make them suffer because they made me suffer and therefore it's only fair. like as if there's any amount of reasoning that would ever justify that. and that's the part i really can't share with anyone. because to a normal person, i just seem toxic. and i get it. but anyone normal wouldn't understand that even when you try so hard to change, those thoughts are always there. and they're always SO LOUD. there is no tuning them out for me. i've gotten tons better at not acting on them, which i'm very grateful for, but it doesn't mean i'm able to just ignore them.

anyways, will. i wrote a bit about him in the other post but i realized then that talking about all three was too much for one single post, so i pushed his part to the back burner. he's more complicated to me than sarah and nick. because at the end of the day, sarah and nick cared until they didn't and then it became a three-way cycle of "fake it til' you make it" except we all were never going to make it. for the sake of this post, i'm going to talk about post-high school will and i's friendship because everything during high school would basically be a similar tread to what i said about sarah and nick during that time and how our mutual friendships were. will and i didn't talk after high school. he cut me off about two weeks before i graduated and all i can still remember about how we got in contact again was ironically thanks to sarah. sarah had told will that i had changed and it made him want to give me a second chance. and honestly, our friendship was fine for like two years. i apologized a lot for all that i did the first time and then it was smooth sailing. we clicked a lot more because i let it be a real friendship where i wasn't bullying him and he wasn't.

well. he wasn't afraid of me.

we had a few hiccups because he had a similar pattern to nick where he'd disappear for no given reason and then ghost me. i did have to call him out on that multiple times. but it was once he started dating griffin that problems really started arising (griffin is, of course, a fake name). and honestly, before i go into that i wanna say this. when i write these posts, it does make me feel like that i was at fault in hindsight and maybe they were right about me just having a giant issue with relationships. i don't know what's right, what's wrong, and what's in the gray area. i really don't. i don't see myself in a positive light. i don't know. i'm overthinking this and i haven't said anything yet. i met griffin through will before the two started dating and to be truthful, i got a crush(?) on them. still unsure if it was a real one or not. point being, i thought i liked them and i let will know. and he encouraged it. encouraged me to get to know them more and that one day, it might happen. and it weirdly felt nice to have a friend like that for once. and so yeah, i kept at it. things went smooth until about the week before it all hit the fan. i had invited griffin over to hang again and on the way there, they had said something that made me think something between them and will was happening. i had a feeling a few days before that but thought nothing of it until this moment.

and then a week later, i had a really rough day at work and when i got home, it got worse. at this point, me and griffin were talking daily. i really still thought i had a shot at dating them (again, not sure if it was a real crush or just a long hyperfixation) and was keeping at it somewhat. but this day, i sent them an instagram reel that crossed that line between friends and other just enough that it made them visibly uncomfortable. i took it back as fast as i could, but the damage was done. and magically, i got the "hey, can we talk?" text from will minutes later. if i remember right, i knew at this point that those two were dating. or at the very least were more than friends. i think i tried my best to ignore it, but i knew. and once i got that text, that was it. i said yeah and he dumps this giant series of paragraphs on me within minutes that basically said they've been dating for months and he wanted to tell me but didn't know how and blah blah blah. besides the fact that it was clear he had that ready to go, probably for a while, i felt so fucking hurt and betrayed in that moment that i straight up disabled my instagram account and disappeared. am i proud of this decision? no and i regretted it then as much as i still do now. in that moment, i just couldn't do it anymore. cause to me it felt personal. it felt like after all the shit i did to go and try to make amends for what i had done to him, he did this as payback. i'm completely serious. that's how betrayed i felt. because i just could not believe the reasoning that he wanted to tell me and just couldn't when he was encouraging me to keep going for HIS partner at the same time. no amount of fucked up reasoning can explain how that would make any lick of sense.

i should have ended the friendship there and moved on. i really should have. because what was also so fucked up was that griffin DIDN'T KNOW what he was saying to me behind their back about them. they legitimately did not know of the encouragement or the crush until i told them about a year+ later. but i felt so bad about sending that reel and then disappearing that i stayed. because to me, it was my fault. if i had just known or if i hadn't done what i did during our first take at a friendship, it wouldn't have happened. he would have told me. right? that's how i felt and so yeah, i gave him another chance. but i did make it clear it was NOT going to be the same as it was because that was seriously fucked up. ironically enough, he misread my message and thought i was straight up ending the friendship. either way, it took me almost a week to even say what i said and it took months before i felt comfortable enough to do a quarter of what we used to do together.

and unlike with sarah and nick where all three of us had done shit to cause it to fall apart, i wanna make something clear. griffin did nothing. griffin literally was an innocent bystander in all of this. they didn't know he was telling me what he was saying behind their back. they didn't know about any of the future stuff. griffin did nothing wrong and i will never blame them for anything he did. i tried too. it's not something i really want to admit, but i did try. after everything fell apart, i blamed them for his actions. he did too and that i'll get into, but i only did because my rage was so blinding that everything i put on him eventually reflected onto griffin and then it just settled in my mind that if they weren't in the picture, me and will would have still been friends. and i hate myself for it ever getting close to this kind of thinking. because. . . just. yeah. so anyways, i do not want this post from above or going further to come off like i blame griffin for anything. we actually still talk and i got a lot of the true story. i won't share any of it because this is about me and will, not dragging him through the mud for shit i didn't know about at the time. but yeah. and griffin, i want you to know i am forever sorry. even if you didn't know i felt and thought this way at that point in time, i'm sorry. because it was unfair to you. it was so unfair. and i want to add that griffin read and approved everything i wrote. i am not saying anything that would make them uncomfortable either.

after the whole "we're dating and i just didn't tell you. lol, whoops," thing happened and things got back on track, that's when the real ghosting started. and that's where the downfall that destroyed our friendship also started. the difference between nick and will is that i don't really think nick knew of what he was doing until it was beyond too late to save it. will knew. from the get go, it felt more intentional on will's part and that was confirmed to me later on. and it got really fucking annoying real quick. i spoke up about it multiple time, like i did before they dated, because i wanted to keep this friendship. and every time, he'd give me the "i understand. i will work on it and be a better friend" line and then never change. and i believed him every time. i don't really know if i'd be able to call it naivety or just a purposeful ignorance towards the obvious. but i let it go on longer than i ever should and while this was going on, things started to show on his end that made me question his relationship a bit. 

the biggest thing was his clear fetish towards his partner being transgender. it makes me feel so gross every time i have to say that. like, who gets in a relationship with someone and then fetishizes them the entire time?? how can it not register with you the damage that'll do to them. because like. just. oh my god. the first indication to me was when one night, me and will went to get griffin so we three could go get ice cream from speedway at like 1:30 am. why we needed to this do this so badly was beyond me, but in the speedway griffin told me an interesting detail about will. this wasn't in secret either. she (griffin currently uses she/they pronouns) told me it in front of him. will used to watch a lot of porn before they dated and what i got told was his favorite thing to watch was goth asian porn. which is important because his partner was a goth asian transmasc individual. this almost immediately raised red flags to me, but i also knew it was most likely a coincidence. at least until he started telling everyone (including griffin to the best of my knowledge) that he didn't know if he'd ever be able to see griffin as a man. which, just, how. how can you voluntarily say that and be okay with what you've just said? how can you say that knowing your partner is gonna hear about it? how can you say that and not feel angry at yourself?! LIKE???? and he clearly meant it too because he never really stopped struggling when it came to that. and there was something else that just really set me off and made me fully believe the fetish thing was real but i can't remember and i don't even know if i want to. it just makes me feel fucking sick to my stomach. because motherfucker, griffin is a person too. and all you ever did was boil them down to whatever fit your guide to getting off. because i had to end up seeing the texts between them. him lovebombing griffin and getting defensive and childish when griffin tried to tell him the things he was doing wrong so he could GROW. or him basically shutting down because god forbid you don't lie to him.

i’m also going to briefly mention this part as well. will plays guitar and i have always wanted to make a proper guitar-driven album or at least a song. so one day, i go reaching out to will asking if we could maybe give it a try. he was ecstatic and said yes almost immediately. i wish i had been able to see through his facade at the time because we got 3/4th of one song finished before will dropped out. he never worked on it outside of us calling and i got so fed up with feeling like i was the only one who actually wanted to do this. i even asked him multiple times if he really still wanted to do this or if he just said yes to make me happy and he always told me “no no, i want to do this.” sure. 

anyways, ALL of this led to griffin reaching out to me needing to talk about will. and that's where i got the screenshots as well. but there were two things told to me at this point that were telling. NO. 1 - will knew he was ghosting people for griffin and didn't care. he straight up told griffin "i don't know when i spoke to [REDACTED] last, but it's fine," when griffin tried to approach the subject of spending too much time focused on them specifically. which, by the way, he got defensive and deflected the conversation until griffin dropped it like with everything else. and NO. 2 - griffin wanted to break up with him. the details of the specifics here are fuzzy to me because i got myself involved here in a way i never should have. when they started to let me know about their real feelings towards will and how tiring the relationship was and all of this, they both told me they wanted to kinda and asked me if they should break up with him. a reasonable person would have said it's not their place. if i had to redo this now, i would say that. but i didn't. i tried to voice my thoughts on it in an unbiased way, but it was less unbiased and more "yeah, do it." it wasn't intentional at all but i leaned too far one way and it ended up influencing them more than i ever should have. and it's the biggest thing i regret doing. i have apologized to both of them profusely about it because regardless of how bad the relationship was and how they felt about each other, it wasn't my place to stick my nose in and effectively make the decision for griffin. but back to what happened, griffin eventually did come to the conclusion to break up with him. it lasted all of 24 hours and destroyed our friendships. because will couldn't forgive me for putting myself where i didn't belong and i blamed griffin so i wanted nothing to do with either of them. and that's where it left itself for over a year.

about two months ago at the time of writing, i got told by my best friend that will and griffin had finally broken up. i still held undeserved rage against them, so i wanted to reach out to will to at least apologize because i felt i finally had a chance (again, refer back to how awful my thought process was still). and he accepted the apology and wanted to give a friendship between us a go one more time. but to be honest, it felt off from the moment we talked. i wanted to believe otherwise, but it was off. he spent most of the time of our initial conversation trashing the hell out of griffin under the guise of “i don’t wanna say anything bad, BUT.” and then two weeks later, he out of the blue messaged me at 1:30 am that “to put it plain and simple, i don’t want to be friends anymore.” (word for word.) and to make it worse, he blocked me on everything before i could even realize he said a word. and that’s it for will.

i don’t have anything else to say. i just want to move on. and griffin, it’s so painfully obvious how much better off we are without him. seriously.