#I'm supposed to be writing my novel but no time to be gay

[rallamajoop]

So why are there so many gay vampires?

From the time of Carmilla all the way up to the works of Anne Rice (a universe that seems to get only less subtle as the years go on), gay vampires have been a thing basically as long as anyone was writing about vampires. Lesbian vampires have been a genre all their own for decades. Bram Stoker, author of the most famous vampire novel ever written, was gay himself. So why vampires specifically?

I’ve seen people attempt to answer this one before, and there are all sorts of contributing factors I could point to here, from the genres’ beginnings with Lord Byron (infamous bisexual disaster fuckboy), to modern discourse about why queer folks so often find themselves identifying with the monsters and outcasts of fiction. Few other monsters besides vampires can so easily pass for ‘normal’, or are nearly so well known for their snappy dress sense and ‘unnatural cravings’ for human flesh. And that’s without even getting into all those skeezy outdated stereotypes casting queer people as predators, or the idea that even one ‘gay experience’ could somehow ‘convert’ you into being one yourself.

But to my mind, there’s just one really important thing that makes vampires so gay, and it’s the same thing that makes them sexy in the first place: plausible deniability.

You see, a vampire’s bite is simultaneously a) ridiculously sexual, and b) not even a little bit sexual at all.

You don’t have to look far for vampire canons where there’s nothing sexy about being bitten by a vampire. Bloody, violent, painful, sure ‒or just clinically miserable, human bodies torn open or hung up to drain like a human blood bag. What’s sexy about getting bitten by a mosquito, or a fecking leech? The diet of the actual vampire bat requires it to process so much water that it apparently spends mealtimes busily pissing out the difference, and the anti-coagulants in its saliva leave the wound bleeding messily long after it’s gone. The basic act of feeding is no more inherently sexual for a vampire than it is for a zombie.

Vampires are even a surprisingly acceptable monster to market to children. There’s a vampire muppet, a cartoon about a vampire duck, and a whole series of books about a vampire rabbit. You can put a vampire on the side of a cereal box without undue outrage. Vampires do not have to be R-rated for sex or violence.

So of course vampires will go after victims of the same sex. Do you stop to inquire whether the cow you’re eating was male or female? It’s all just predator and prey!

Until it’s everything but.

Do not let the ‘vampires aren’t supposed to be sexy!’-purists fool you. The tradition of sexy vampires goes all the way back to the oldest folklore, where the first victim of a newly-risen vampire was often their still-living spouse. Vampires were even occasionally known to get women pregnant (a convenient excuse for any widow who might turn up pregnant slightly too many months after their husband's death). The ‘original’ Nosferatu sounds more like an incubus than the naked mole-rat creature they made that movie about. The demon lover aspect of the vampire has been there all along.

And it’s not hard to imagine why. If someone is biting and sucking on your neck, then either they’re a vampire, or they’re well on the way to second base (other folklore has its vampires feed directly from their victim’s heart, which is scarcely less suggestive). The implications of an exchange of bodily fluids were never subtle, even in Stoker’s day (I'm looking at you, Lucy-with-the-three-husbands), and the vampire as a sexual predator was a popular literary device well before Stoker's time. Beautiful vampire women would seduce men to their demise, and the males of the species might visit the bedroom of some innocent maiden time and again. The Victorian obsession with mesmerism, meanwhile, provided the perfect explanation for how victims might be hypnotised into eager compliance, and perhaps not even remember being fed upon at all. Vampires have been the ultimate guilt-free sexual fantasy since way back in the day, compatible with all your awkward Victorian mores! (Not quite ready to admit they're sexual fantasies? No problem: he's just here to, y'know, suck on your neck a bit. No subtext here!)

The whole act of biting is so suggestive that in the early years of vampire cinema, it wasn’t shown at all, not even between opposite-sex participants. The camera of 1922’s Nosferatu maintains a demure distance during the climactic scene where the heroine is finally bitten and slowly drained of blood, and Universal’s Dracula conveniently fades to black or cuts away whenever it’s about to take place. But even if the biting has to take place off screen, who’s to say a vampire isn’t going to pick victims of both sexes?

The stately tradition of the lesbian vampire has cinematic examples going all the way back to 1936, with Universal’s Dracula’s Daughter. Though the titular vampire has a nominal male love interest – a psychologist who naively advises her to confront her temptations without fear – the result of his advice is a famous sequence where she picks up a young woman under the premise of wanting an artist's model, and convinces her to remove her top. No actual biting or nudity is shown (it was only 1936), but her fate is left in little doubt.

By the era of 70’s sexploitation, all such subtlety had been abandoned. If we’re all good with naked boobs, who’s going to be offended by a little biting?

In fact, when it comes to men rather than women, a vampire bite was, for many years, far too sexy to be shown, or even alluded to. Nosferatu clearly feeds on that film’s Jonathan-expy, but our only evidence is the bitemarks on his neck in the morning, and the final sacrifice to defeat the evil monster must naturally be female. Universal’s Dracula had to ignore explicit studio mandate that only the brides should be allowed to feed on their own Jonathan-equivalent, as to even imply that Dracula himself had fed upon a man was obviously far too homoerotic to contemplate (never mind that it’s Dracula who must be established as the threat in this opening sequence, or that it’s Dracula his victim will spend the rest of the film obsessed with).

But in that unspeakable land of male-on-male homoeroticism, you might be surprised how much homo we can squeeze in even without resorting to fangs-in-necks. The Lost Boys is surely one of the most homoerotic vampire films ever made, but there, the one big blood-drinking scene is rendered in a bloody massacre of slasher-movie violence. And though Anne Rice certainly describes the scene where Lestat drains Louis of blood in lurid detail (and even has them spend their first sunrise together sharing a coffin), Louis is already thoroughly seduced before he ever reaches this point.

You see, the lore of the pop-cultural vampire conveniently comes with a second and equally-compelling target for plausible deniability: the act of making a new vampire.

Obviously, to work, this has to be deliberate. A world where anyone bitten by a vampire becomes one hasn’t much to offer us, and the relationship between maker and fledgling can just as easily be framed as parental, as recruitment into a cult, or purely transactional. But whichever way you twist it, the implications of choosing another to share in your own eternal youth and immortality… like, I don’t have to spell this one out for you, do I? Did I mention how that thing where a vampire’s traditional first victim tended to be their own mortal widow goes all the way back?

But if we’re not ready to be completely obvious with our mainstream audience, some alternative explanation can always be provided for cover. Lestat doesn’t really want Louis, he just wants Louis’ money! (He also really wants Louis.) The Lost Boys just want Michael to join their gang! (Their very, very pretty gang, who swan around in mesh shirts, tank tops and assless chaps.)

The two sides of the vampire-deniability coin aren’t mutually exclusive, either. Carmilla drinks her new paramour’s blood, but also gazes into her eyes while promising her you will be mine. Drinking blood is a key part of making a new vampire in so many vampire stories, after all.

Carmilla isn’t even the only gay vampire story of the Victorian era. I recently posted about two other fascinating examples, both featuring male/male pairings: one being pretty much just a gender-flipped version of Carmilla, and the other a tragic love story filled with significant "vampire = gay lover" metaphors (why oh why must the townsfolk keep us apart, when we’ll only ever be happy once we’re united once more?) This stuff goes surprisingly far back.

In fact, you can find queer subtext in vampire fiction that predates even Byron and Polidori. 1819's The Vampyre was the first published vampire story, yes, but the first known work of vampire-fiction in the English language is a poem published by John Stagg in 1810, also called The Vampyre (look, the genre didn’t exist yet, you didn’t have to be creative with your titles).

In brief, Stagg’s poem recounts a conversation between a wife (Gertrude) and her dying husband (Herman), whose dear friend Sigismund, lately deceased and deeply mourned, has returned as a vampire. Night after night, he crawls into Herman’s room to drain his blood. Herman’s fate is already sealed, but unless Gertrude takes action, it will surely be she that Herman will take as his own first victim when he rises from the grave.

There may be nothing intentional about the queer subtext of this tale. A vampire’s victims often include friends he knew in life, as Stagg himself cites in his introduction. But if Herman’s first victim will be his wife, what are we to read about the fact Sigismund’s first victim is Herman? Especially given how long he’s kept secret from poor Gertrude that his dear ‘friend’ has been climbing into his bedroom each night, lying beside him in bed and sucking and draining "the fountain of my heart!" while Herman moans and tosses (in pain, obviously!), always leaving him "exhausted, spent." Ultimately, Gertrude is saved only when both Herman and Sigismund are staked through the heart, and we close on the image of them slumbering together in the tomb.

It is, however you turn it, pretty gay.

I reiterate: this is the very first known work of vampire fiction written in the English language. The second was the one that was kind-of-written-by, kind-of-stolen-from, and unambiguously based on bisexual-disaster-fuckboy Lord Byron. And the two most influential works of vampire fiction of the next hundred years would be Carmilla, the very lesbian vampire story written by a… presumably straight man? And Dracula, the not-completely-convincingly-hetero story written by #1 Walt Whitman fanboy Bram Stoker. Vampires have always been very equal-opportunity kind of monsters.

There are, of course, plenty of influential heterosexual vampire tales to fill out the roster too. Varney the Vampire, a penny dreadful from the 1840s, was so successful it ran for over 200 chapters. The 1960s had their own wildly successful Varney-equivalent in the soap opera Dark Shadows. Love it or hate it, we really can't ignore Twilight either. My own introduction to the genre was Christopher Pike’s The Last Vampire series, which came out alongside the original Vampire Diaries novels. So there's plenty of material around to keep the straights entertained – and honestly, that’s only as it should be, because the very thing that makes vampires so queer-friendly is that the sex of their victims doesn’t matter. And it’s so easy to make vampires sexy (let alone a full vampire-proposal!) that even the Victorians could do it.

Now, if your reaction to all this theorising is to tell me "but the LGBTQ’s shouldn’t have to hide behind plausible deniability!" I can only counter, "well sure, but why should the straights have all the fun?" Because playing with all the ambiguity of "is this monster really just after my blood or is this going somewhere?" can be all sorts of fun, regardless of the genders involved. And as long as they’re up for exchanging bodily fluids with persons-and-or-victims of either gender equally, why not have some fun with it?

So, okay, maybe the real title of this post should have been "why are there so many pansexual vampires?" But the answer doesn’t change. Vampires have been the bisexual disaster fuckmonsters for as long as anyone’s been writing about vampires, and have been a metaphor allowing people publish barely-coded gay attraction since 1872. And much like the queer community, they’ve only become more complex, more sympathetic, and all the more popular as romantic paramours as the years have gone by.

[pictureofdoriaaaaaangay]

chaotic book ramble so I can stop spiraling into the abyss: dark academia books you've heard of and probably already read edition

I need to talk about books I love to stay sane please stand by <3

Bunny by Mona Awad. I love this book SO MUCH. it's beautifully written, the characters are all unhinged women, there's murder, there's creation, there's a creative writing class. it drips with insanity and eroticism. reading it is like living a fever dream. you can picture the events of the book perfectly, but could never hope to explain it to anyone.

The Secret History by Donna Tartt. this book is the entire world to me. I love the characters [they're all terrible and irredeemable people], I love the story [they kill a man then they kill their friend and also worship Dionysus], and I absolutely want a friend group just like the Greek class [to reiterate: they are all walking red flags]. it's a book you have to read once, then again, and again, just to notice more and more so you can analyze it and make deductions. at the end of the day, it goes beyond the age-old "moral implications of murder" and delves into "moral implications of love". don't ask me how many times I've read it. that's my red flag.

If We Were Villains by ML Rio. it was only recently that I read this over the course of twenty four hours, and I honesty have yet to recover. I'm not a Shakespeare girlie, but I still loved the way his work was so inherently and intricately woven into the story of the iwwv characters. it was transcendent. it was a tragedy, it was a love story, it was a comedy. it depends on your perception of it, I suppose. but I digress - it's a really good bloody book. expect the ending to make you cry.

The Picture of Dorian Gray, by our lord and savior Oscar Wilde. this, technically, can't really be classified under the textbook definition of "dark academia" since there's not exactly any academia (can Harry even read let's be honest here), but it goes in this list because VIBES. this is one of my favorite novels of all time, and another one I've read one too many times for it to not be a red flag. I mean, the name of my damn blog is my red flag. I love it so much. it's got everything, from art to obsession to murder to gay people to the most heartachingly profound lines you've ever read. I mean, why wouldn't you read it if you haven't already?

These Violent Delights by Micah Nemerever. this one snuck up on me. towards the beginning, I wasn't sure if I'd like it, but by the middle, I was hooked. by the ending, I was shooketh. reading the author note, I was sitting silently in abject horror. more gay people, more obsession, more murder - what else do I have to say?

this has been a chaotic book ramble. thank you for being here <3

[beanghostprincess]

Silly vampire buggy being so very normal about it while the rest are absolutely FERAL is so funny.

Buggy, before Roger passed, still on the Oro: hmm, I'm kinda thirsty-

Shanks, ripping his already open shirt further off: Oh Dear, Oh My Look At ALL THIS So Very BITEABLE SKIN, Sure Hope There's No VAMPIRES Thirsting Near Me, Wink Wink!!!!

Buggy: I bet Gabban still has some juice boxes. I hope he has that guava one. I'll be right back!

Shanks, half naked and drooping: 🥺😟😥😫

<><><><><><><><><>

Mihawk: I read this interesting novel yesterday which gave me much to ponder.

Buggy: oh? Awesome! Which was it?

Mihawk, side-eying Buggy pointedly: it was a supernatural romance between a human and vampire. It was rather explicit and had many scenes which piqued my interest.

Buggy, absolutely Not Getting It: oh man. I usually hate those. It's a toss up between bad writing or the vampire is always a top. Like? Give me gay bottom vampires too, we deserve to be recognized!! Oh, Hawky, can you hand me my sunscreen?

Mihawk: ........... here.

Buggy: thanks, love!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Crocodile: hey you drink blood.

Buggy, sipping A+ out of a care bear cup: yeah?

Croc: does it work on Logia users? Or would your fangs need Haki to pierce us?

Buggy: hm. Good question? I dunno, actually!

Crocodile: seems this could be a learning experience. Would be a shame to not experiment. I know how much you like your science.

Buggy: I do like science. Yeah. Yeah. You're right! I SHOULD experiment on that!!

Croc, unbuttoning his shirt, tugging down his cravat: uh huh, well, I suppose we ought to get to it- where are you going

Buggy: to my workshop! Science waits for no man!!! Nor clown, in my case. Man clown? Vampire? Who knows. Wait. Am I a man...? Hm, what is the gender today... wait, have I eaten at all? I don't remember. Anyway, I need to grab my suit, I'm low on sunscreen again. Oh, remind me to add that to the next shipment request. Oh, I should also grab a bloody mary!! That sounds great! Okay. Bye bye!!

Croc, halfway undressed, watching Buggy run outside, start swearing bc he didn't pull up his hood and is cursing the light, before tripping flat onto his face: ............. shit.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Buggy rarely pushes the limits of his abilities BECAUSE of the vampirism. If he uses his DF more than usual, it makes him hungrier. And once he hits a certain point, he begins to lose his already loosey-goosey sense of humanity. It scares him to be so cold and uninterested, especially since he always feels things turned up to eleven. When his hits that point, EVERYTHING turns off. At best, he'll be mildly annoyed, angry, amused - but it's like being in a glass bowl, watching things happen from the outside. It terrifies him.

His partners...? Well. It does things to them too, but terror isn't exactly the dominating feeling... 👀

((Also, the romanticism of blood. Of life energy. Of an exchange of that out of love. Of giving parts of yourself to sustain and satiate another. Carrying pieces of someone else in your body to propagate your own life. Of giving and taking consensually the liquid which carries your time. The inherent provocative nature of taking someone else's essence into yourself with full permission and full understanding because they receive so much from you in turn that it is simple, easy, logical to consent to this.))

Vampires 🥰

THE FIRST ONE IS SO REAL EFJKBWEJKBWJEKBF Shanks does that constantly he's DYING for Buggy to bite him and the clown won't even notice he's trying so much. It's ridiculous. Shanks and his failguy moment simping for a vampire that doesn't want his blood.

Mihawk and Crocodile trying to flirt and failing miserably because Buggy is always oblivious to what they do is amazing and no matter the AU it's always like this. I adore. They just want their vampire boyfriend to bite them :(( Failguys.

The last thing you said is so real. Vampires can be something so romantic and I think usually books/TV shows/Media in general don't focus on the important stuff. I want to see teen!Shuggy with Buggy and Shanks traveling together right after the crew disbands (before Roger's death) and Buggy not having access to other types of blood. So Shanks offers him his blood and they have like-- This moment of realization of how intimate it is. And Buggy will forever remember what it felt like to feel Shanks' embrace while sucking his blood without any complaints. And!! Both Mihawk and Crocodile wanting to do the same but it's definitely just for the horny, they don't expect it to be so passionate and intimate, and romantic.

Also, I agree with Buggy, the vampire should be the bottom. Really necessary for this situation.

[hils79]

Hils Watches The Spirealm - Ep 1

Well, it's time to watch a new drama and this has been on my list since basically the day it dropped and was then removed an hour later. Looking forward to seeing just how gay it is.

Considering how much people have been talking about it I don't actually know that much about it really. I know Lost Tomb Reboot Xiaoge, my boy Huang Junjie, is one of the leads and that it's an adaptation of a danmei novel (I think?). But in terms of the actual plot no idea.

And how do you even pronounce the title? The Spire Realm?

I have many questions and I haven't even started watching yet.

Okay, I'm going in.

For the sake of clarity I am watching this on Viki so I will be using their episode numbering system not the original one.

Wait, is this a gaming drama? Like The King's Avatar?

Ah, so it's VR rather than a classic video game

Well, that sort of explains how you pronounce it but not really. Is it more like The Spy Realm?

A game where you experience severe hallucinations and possibly die? Who would play such a game? I'll take one guess...

Okay, the only drama I've seen him in is The Lost Tomb Reboot so it's going to take a while for me to get used to him speaking and having regular facial expressions

BWAHAHA! Zero lies detected

I'm pretty sure this is not Huang Junjie's actua voice, and the dubbing doesn't quite match the movements of his mouth. But I'm not complaining, I'm just glad we're able to watch it at all

Uhh...has he got super hearing? Or is he getting all messed up because he played the hallucination death game?

KITTY!

I know they've explained it as 'hallucinations' but this feels very urban fantasy, which is a genre I particularly enjoy

Ohhh! Okay. When the dude said people sometimes die playing the game I kind of thought he meant it gave them seizures or something. But no, he just walked into the path of an oncoming car because he was looking at something that only he can see. I guess that's the sort of deaths the dude was talking about

Oh so he actually does have super hearing! Well, I hope someone in the DMBJ fam is writing the Liu Sang version of this

Oh hello

Uh oh

Well, the answer to how gay is it is them looking like they're about to kiss 2 minutes after they met. Good work everyone.

Okay, I haven't learned anyone's name yet but I do hope this is setting the tone for the rest of the drama. Dude in white pretending to be badly injured from a small scratch on his arm and Huang Junjie immediately being 'OMG LET ME CARRY YOU 🥺' even though it's obvious the other dude is faking

Well this just turned into The Ring very quickly

Ehehe. There's only one bed.

GAH! JESUS FUCK THE GHOST IS IN THEIR BEDROOM! Is now the time to mention I'm not good with horror?

I don't know how I'm supposed to survive another *checks* 37 episodes when they're acting like this already

[someonesrealityshifting]

.・✭・. Life Explanation .・✭・. ・

✭ My life is like a 2010s coming of age novel, but one of the ones with a shitty ending, like Before I Fall. Except it doesn't have a shitty ending, you just worry it might. My life is dancing in the rain and forgetting a coat and ending up with a cough but not caring because I was dancing with him. My life is climbing into abandoned buildings and befriending the rats who live there, leaving them food and telling them how pretty they are. My life is finding roadkill and bringing it home to pray for it and to send it to Thanatos gently, as he would want it.

✭ My life is making stupid decisions because I never got to as a kid. My life is smoking cheap cigarettes and coughing so hard I vow to quit, only to come back six hours later when he pulls out his lighter. My life is drawing on myself and loving it so much I go get it tattooed that day. My life is incohesive playlists and rants about movies and bugs I love. My life is collecting rainwater and rocks and bones I find, pressing flowers and leaves between the pages of limited edition books.

✭ My life is collecting soda pop tabs and butterfly wings and walnut shells because I can. My life is crying over the dead things I find and mourning them, giving even the worm I find on the sidewalk as it pours the simple respect of life. My life is constantly defending my position as an ambiamorous gay trans man as well as a leftist, an anarchist, quite possibly a communist, because my idea that all living things have inherent worth is apparently 'radical'.

✭ My life is tiny jars and using watercolor on canvas even though you're absolutely not supposed to use watercolor on canvas. My life is painting my nails outside because I don't want to risk my dog inhaling the fumes and feeding my gecko by hand because he's a diva but I also can't touch him because it frightens him. My life is car rides to vibe-based playlists, sticking my arms out the window and screaming when I see a puppy in the next car.

✭ My life is loving, endlessly and without remorse. Giving my love to anyone who will take it, accept it, regardless of whether or not it's reflected back at me, because if one can hate without cause, why can I, too, not love the same way? My life is shamelessly blocking and cutting off toxic people because I'm worth more, because the people I love are worth more.

✭ My life is holding a cat like a baby, because I'm a bit too fucked up to have a real one, and dancing around the house with it, telling it how much I love it as shitty music blares from the phone in my pocket. My life is putting stickers on my canes and headphones and every electronic device I have because they deserve to feel pretty, too. My life is putting too many layers of dye in my hair and not caring because it makes me feel better. My life is asking "would you still love me if I was a worm?" a thousand times and never getting bored of the answers.

✭ My life is keeping Loki's altar in my kitchen because it's never not chaotic as all hell in there, even if the odd assortment of things he likes is a bit of an eyesore; that's where he belongs. My life is keeping Christmas lights up all the year round because they're pretty and I love them. My life is finding a spot where I can see the sky without light pollution and staring at the stars for as long as I can, even though I know so very few of them, just because they're beautiful and I can. My life is getting a shitty camera from, like, 2015 because it's cheap and it has decent exposure, and even though the pictures always come out a little blurry, I pin them to the wall over our bed anyway.

✭ My life is writing poetry on every available surface, buying a shit ton of notebooks in August when they're 25 cents each and them all being full by March. My life is texting him "this song reminded me of you" at 3am when I know we should be asleep but neither of us are. My life is freaking out anytime I see a cat, because fucking look at him, he's such a cutie, aaa he booped meeee. My life is listening to Taylor Swift because they like it, and because I'd do anything to make them smile, even if I think "Antihero" is the single stupidest song I've ever heard in my life.

✭ My life is the word 'paladin', which is not only my dad's favorite WOW class, but it's my mom's favorite episode of bones. "Paladin" means, "I will always protect you. I will not choose violence for myself, because I can keep myself safe enough, but I would burn the world for you, because I love you, and I will hurt anyone, even myself, to keep you safe." My life is my parents telling me at age 9 that to love a hero was to hate one's self. That a hero would sacrifice you to save the world, that a villain had no such obligation. To always love the villain, the person most likely to hurt everyone but you.

✭ My life is painting on a 60 year old denim jacket and having no idea how to get the paint off so I just take a razor to the paint to get it a bit thinner and then saving up money so I can buy a Vincian flag to hide the marks it left behind. My life is having a bunch of scars from stupid things, and being proud to share each misadventure, because they define me, because I let them. My life is wishing I wasn't clean until I meet him and them and maybe deciding that I prefer having marks from love than self loathing.

✭ My life is waking up with my legs tangled in theirs only to get up before they do, going to make us shitty coffee because it's the only kind I know how to make, but they drink it anyway because I also make French toast so it's palatable. My life is house plants that I take care of exquisitely for years only to leave them in his care for a week and find them to be on the verge of death. My life is eating too much chocolate and dragging them both into the living room to build a pillow fort and watch Bluey for 6 hours on a random Friday night.

✭ My life is thrift shopping and buying shit I know I'll never use, simply because I can afford it, and because I love it, and because I can. My life is gardening all of spring and summer and never leaving the woods in autumn and shoveling until my knees buckle in winter. My life is learning how to swim in a creek because I don't trust anyone but the two of them to teach me.

✭ My life is love. My life is light. My life is making myself feel whole, and being able to give myself to the people who love me and the people whom I love. My life is happy, and warm, and safe. My life is starlight and wholesome until it's dark moons and dirty jokes, and even then, the sun comes back the next morning, and so do the gentle kisses and caresses. My life is safety and comfort and value, inherent and known, in every person I come across.

[pleucas]

good evening. it is me again, skk hater - no air quotes because i am completely genuine in my hatred. this will be a long one.

i shall first begin with a thanks. i do write pretty often, and my ego has been sufficiently stroked. i suppose even the most despicable people have taste - at least in matters besides ships.

you have asked for my reasoning behind my vehement hatred of skk, and i think it's time for me to provide.

i'm going to be completely truthful - it's all Akutagawa's fault. i love him and his stupid victorian child fashion and british accent and dumb haircut deeply. so, naturally dazai is the bane of my existence.

now, even though i hated dazai more each time Akutagawa appeared, i actually didn't mind SKK for some time. i didn't get it cause Chuuya rarely actually shows up in the manga, which i read straight through without detouring for any of the light novels, but i was fine with it. they're fruity in most all their interactions, i shall never deny that because it's clearer than glass and i'm not that delusional, but i didn't see much substance beyond that.

then i read the novels and slowly came to the conclusion that i actually hate dazai even when Akutagawa isn't in the picture. and when i say HATE i mean HATE. he is the pebble lodged in my shoe, the lego on my cousin's floor, the table leg i stub my toe on, and so forth.

Chuuya, on the other hand, i love. he's great. amazing. stormbringer? peak. so, OBVIOUSLY, he could do much better than dazai. soooo much better. i mean, look at him

every time dazai and Chuuya have their objectively gay moments with each other, i feel like im watching my friend crawl back to their toxic ex.

that's how i feel with most dazai ships, and this is because dazai is always a smug prick towards the person he's being shipped with, and because i love Akutagawa i am not amused by this in the slightest. feels like he's rubbing salt in the wound. i actually like dazai more as a character when he's on the back foot. a (nonromantic) example would be him in The Day I Picked Up Dazai (A Side). dazai and Oda's dynamic is probably the best one dazai has in my eyes - though i don't ship them in the slightest. additionally, i think i, if only for a moment, actually liked dazai when he got ""killed"" in that one chapter. because it was a loss for him. in that moment, he (well, at least we're led to believe) got what he had wished for so often during the series, though it was not on his own terms. therefore, it felt almost like poetic tragedy - i thought it would have been a fitting end for him, and if it truly had been, i might like him now. this, as you know, was not the case.

furthermore, dazai is a fruitcake with or without Chuuya. it's not specific towards him, so i don't think anything real can be drawn from the vaguely homoerotic behaviour. i mean, dazai ballroomed danced with Sigma five minutes after meeting him. man just likes men, i don't know what to say

in conclusion, i feel like their relationship is unbalanced. dazai is never really shown to be all too worked up by Chuuya, even when he seems to be on the losing end of their bickering, but Chuuya is constantly harassed. while it's admittably funny, i don't like it in a romantic sense, nor do i see it in anyway that's different from Kunikida or Sigma.

that's about everything i can say without going on an unorganized tangent. i could bring up more specific issues i have that stem from Stormbringer and the Fifteen novel, but i have actual things ive been putting off writing - there's a whole book being sidelined by SKK right now. this has been a good way of procrastinating, but it must come to an end eventually

as for titles, you can call me Rimu. like the tree,

so, with an abundance of hate, Rimu <3

(ps: you might noticed that dazai's name is not capitalized at all in this ask. this is because he does not deserve that level of respect.)

holy hell Rimu. Hello, formally I guess — I will follow in your footsteps and leave dazai's name uncapitalized, because that was very funny

i've been putting off responding to this for a while but please believe that i have been thinking about it and periodically re-reading it. it's one of the most entertaining asks i've received LOL

to actually respond without completely proving your point of skkers procuring essays (though i'm sure you realize the irony upon review of your own accolade), i'll keep it brief. you had me in the first half, ngl, cuz i'm pretty sure 89% of us [skkers] agree, on a generalized scale, that dazai is the worst and Chuuya deserves everything and more (and better). he's the type of character that i enjoy as pure fiction, bc i know that if i knew him in person i'd hate him. same goes for my opinions on irl dazai — so asagiri did a (rare) justice for his authors there ig

abt everything else tho (imbalance, not being as affected by chuuya, similarity to other ships, and lack of intrigue)... i had a lot of responses prepared but really all of it can be summed up here as this:

like ngl man. LOL. i do blame the anime and its horrendous adaptation of dazai's character and skk's interactions, but that's another can of worms... that i have... opinons... about.

thank you for sharing your thoughts Rimu, i enjoyed reading through it a lot. keep it going!

with a mutual abundance of hate, Cas <3 <3 <3

[pluttskutt]

Plu's 2024 Writeblr Intro

Hi!

I'm Aurora but I go by many nicknames. Plu is a popular one. I'm a writer in my 30s who's been writing since I could put pen to paper. I've been on writeblr for a long time so I make new intros now and then.

What do I write? Fantasy! My goal isn't to be published but simply to write because it brings me joy. I've been working on my series since I was ~12, but I've also got stand-alones in the making.

My cast is primarily ace and aro, so if you want romance I am not your gal. Unless you want (gay) soulmates doomed to tragedy because I do got that wip.

Besides tragic soulmates I've got mermaid pirates searching for a sanctuary away from humans that have been hunting them for ages, a futuristic wip where the humans are gone so the dragons are returning or supposed to but only one does, and a dad who gets kidnapped by aliens.

My series is about alternate worlds/earths and the barriers between these worlds cracking, with monsters slipping through the cracks. Infected worlds are eaten by a colossal fog named Nothing. Three factions have risen to fight this.

We have Siruna, the mighty army faction. U.N.I.T are agents hiding in the shadows. The Rebels rose to protect the innocent with no one to protect them in this war.

And, now, we have space elves. They are not from any alternate worlds or on the side of any human.

დ WIP Intros დ

Fantasy Series:

Toy Soldier

»[...] First novel in my fantasy series centred around the consequences of the veils between worlds breaking. Not only are monsters seeping through the cracks but a massive fog rolls in on worlds overtaken by monsters and devours them.«

Förtrollade Omständigheter/Witches be Witchin’

»[...] Second novel in my series. In this adventure, inspired by the joy of playing D&D for the first time, we meet new characters and follow their journey.«

What Binds Us

»[...] Third instalment of my fantasy series. In this one, we follow an agent from what has been assumed as the “good guys”, and find out that maybe they’re not so good after all.«

Stand Alones:

Mermaid Pirates

»[...]The Lost Lenore is another character’s deceased love interest. This kind of tragedy is one of The Oldest Ones in the Book and named for the famous deceased in Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven”«

Dragons Are Back

»[...] Determined to find out why they are the only to return, they set out to wander this earth for answer. A bird named Pip joins them on this adventure across the globe.«

(Gay) Tragic Soulmates

»[...] A story where soulmates are born again and again, searching for each other, only to be pulled apart by greater forces pulling the strings.«

You can find my fanfic on Ao3. My current obsession is Steddie. Other than that I'm also on Bluesky, myWriteClub, Instagram, and Wordpress where you can read snippets and lore from my fantasy series.

I created the writeblr trick-or-treat event that runs in October.

Thanks for reading!

[trans-duckling]

Learning Your Touch: All in

Hi!~ I'm sorry for the delay, but I went back home last week and was busy with my family! But now I'm back in Denmark and working, so I can use my free time to continue writing and posting xD As said before, this second chapter is going to be focused in anal sex, but the real one. So, you can expect realistic preparation, talking through it, uncomfortable moments... All those things don't mean it cannot be beautiful! I really liked how this chapter turned out, so I hope you can enjoy it as well!

-----------------------------------------------------

They talked about sex. As in, planned for it. Which went against everything Kakashi had read in his novels and all his previous experiences, but felt right anyways. The conversation was nothing short of awkward.

“I took everything we may need from the ANBU headquarters” he said, bringing a white plastic bag from under the bed.

Gai and him were sitting over the mattress in his bedroom, still slightly out of breath due to the heavy making out they had been previously doing. It was shortly after separating that his boyfriend had asked timidly about sex. Following their first time playing with each other, the same events had repeated themselves in a few occasions, making them confident enough to move on to anal intercourse. Apparently.

“Did you steal it?”

“Of course not, we get them as gifts. Short off.”

The other boy’s face showed no belief in those words, but the Hatake decided to ignore it as he pulled the items out of the bag. A box of condoms, two bottles of different lube and a plastic enema.

“Do you know for what each of these things are?”

“Uh… Condoms for prevention of disease transmission, lube for making it easier and… I’m not sure of this” Gai said, picking up the last item.

“That’s an enema” Kakashi explained, taking it to separate the two parts for showing. “It’s used for cleaning before having sex, you put warm water inside and flush it.”

“As in…?”

“Up your butt.”

His boyfriend’s face went immediately red.

“Isn’t that… uncomfortable?”

“I don’t know, I have never used it” the Hatake admitted. “But I guess it’s better to, so the possibilities of getting… You know, shit out, decrease.”

The other times Kakashi had had anal intercourse with his targets? Not pleasant for several reasons, but that one made him feel even dirtier than the sperm of an stranger on him.

“It makes sense, I guess” the other boy nodded. “So… Who does what?”

“That depends, what do you prefer?”

“I don’t know, rival, it’s the first time I even talk about it! What about you?”

Well, nobody had never asked him that question. He thought about it. Objectively. Liked it or not, he had some experience as the one being penetrated, therefore being able to notice when something was wrong —not that it stopped the other person— and communicate it. Supposedly, the whole thing didn’t have to hurt at all if done correctly, but shinobi were made to endure pain and that got in the lines of communication sometimes. If, on the other hand, he talked about feelings, he preferred to be the one being penetrated, as well. He hadn’t enjoyed it so far, but he feared doing something wrong and hurting Gai on his first time having anal sex. The experience was supposed to be pleasant and enjoyable, so he would do anything to make sure his boyfriend only got the best treatment.

“I’ll be the one on the bottom” he declared. “I think it’ll be easier that way.”

“Ok, rival, if you think it’s best, then I’ll believe it.”

He nodded, playing with the enema in his hands. He could not deny that using it made him nervous. Which was stupid, considering he had had a fifty-something years old man pounding on him a few months ago without any care.

“We should also plan for it” he rushed out. “At least the first time. I will have to get clean so it doesn’t become messy, and preparation may take some time to avoid pain, so…”

“Of course! This is an utter important experience for the both of us, rival!” Gai declared, hands grabbing his with the enema still in between his fingers. “I don’t want any of us getting hurt for racing into it! We could set for one of our next free days together, what do you think?”

That could work. He was leaving for a two-weeks long mission the next morning, and his boyfriend would be leaving for a shorter one with his team as well. Days off were not very common, though, so while they could still play around before the other had to leave the village, going further would probably take some time.

“It could work” he agreed. Then, just to make it clear, Kakashi added: “But it’s ok if once the day arrives, you’re not ready. It’s not a closed date, Gai, we can do it whenever it feels right.”

The other boy brought their hands up and kissed the Hatake knuckles.

“Thank you, rival” he said. “The same goes for you.”

He nodded, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the adoration look on Gai’s face. Luckily, he didn’t have to look at it much more, as they ended up kissing a few seconds after, the material brought from the headquarters falling to the floor. Well, they wouldn’t be needing them for now, so it was ok.

Almost three weeks later, a loud knock echoed against Kakashi’s apartment door. He had been pacing around the house for the last couple of hours, since he had felt Gai’s signature entering the village. Of course, his boyfriend had to go first to the Hokage’s office and then his own house to leave his things and probably change clothes, therefore giving him more than enough time to feel anxious.

The Hatake had been looking forwards to that moment —actually, dreaming about it—, but now that it was time… He was insecure. What if he did something wrong? What if it hurt even with Gai? It had taken them almost a month to find a common day-off, so backing down would probably be a bad idea.

“Rival! Are you home?”

It was rhetorical question, of course, as the other boy could no doubt feel his chakra signature inside, but it was still polite to ask.

“I’m coming” he said in a low voice. When the door opened, Gai was waiting for him with a big smile at the other side. “Hey. How was the mission?”

“Great! Those Kumo shinobi didn’t stand a chance against Konoha’s Blue Beast!” his boyfriend beamed, entering the apartment as Kakashi moved aside. “What about your last one, rival?”

“Success” was all he was allowed to say. “Shorter than expected. I came back a few days earlier.”

“Oh, that’s good, I guess… Did you miss me?”

“Of course not” he huffed, even if he went to hug him as soon as the front door closed. “Not even a bit.”

“I see” Gai chuckled, kissing the top of his head. “Well, I did miss you, so don’t mind me as I show it.”

Not at all ashamed of it, his boyfriend started to kiss the Hatake all over his face, first over the mask and once he got the approval to remove it, against naked skin. Kissing Gai felt like breathing.

Reaching the bedroom took them a couple of minutes because they kept bumping against every wall, not wanting to separate even for a second. They actually fell over the bed, tripping over a dog toy that apparently Kakashi had forgotten to pick up. Laughs echoed in the room.

“If this is you not missing me, rival, I cannot imagine how it’ll be the day you do miss me.”

The Hatake rolled his eyes, pushing Gai’s face away with a hand. Then, he crawled over his body and sat on top of his boyfriend’s crotch. The whimper was immediate, and he grinned as his hands caught on the end of his black t-shirt, pulling it up and off him. It was not the first time he stripped for Gai, but they had never done in that position, so the amazed face was kind of expected.

“You’re gorgeous, Kakashi” the other boy said, hands grabbing softly at his hips. “Can I touch you?”

“Yes.”

A moment after, his boyfriend’s fingers climbed up his torso to pinch around hard nipples, the Hatake holding back a moan at the sensation. He had found out that his chest was an incredible erogenous zone for him as long as it was Gai who touched it. And the other boy clearly enjoyed doing it.

“W-Wait” he mumbled. “Take off your jumpsuit, I want to touch you as well.”

His boyfriend nodded, bringing down his arms and pulling slightly at his clothing until he was able to roll it down over his belly button. Kakashi bent down immediately, mouth catching around one of Gai’s nipples and sucking at it.

“Rival!”

“You taste good.”

“I didn’t take a shower before coming…”

“Better.”

Lifting his head to look at Gai, he saw that the other boy’s face was fully red due to the comment. He smirked and purposedly moved his hips so their members would brush against each other. His boyfriend’s breath caught.

“You’re torturing me, rival” Gai groaned, hand back on his waist to try and still him.

“Well, I need to work you up for the next part.”

Silence. And then…

“Oh” the other boy babbled.

“Unless you don’t want” Kakashi quickly added. “We can always wait, you know, we agreed to only do it if we both felt prepared.”

“No!” Gai’s hands applied some comfortable pressure on him. “I mean, yes, I want to! Do you?”

“I wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise…”

His boyfriend nodded, still red.

“Good. Yes. That’s good, rival!” his hold faltered a bit, fingers passing to brush softly over the Hatake’s skin. “So, um… How are we going to do it?”

For the next part, Kakashi decided to sit a little bit lower on Gai’s legs, giving him the opportunity to incorporate as well so they could be face to face.

“We have everything we need, so I guess I should go to the bathroom, first” he commented, trying very hard to not look away from the other boy.

“Oh, of course! Do you, uh, want help?”

“No! I can… I can do it alone.”

He literally could not think of anything that would turn him off more than Gai looking at him while he cleaned his ass.

“I won’t take long.”

“Ok, rival, as you wish.”

“Good” he said, climbing down the bed. “Then I’ll, uh, go now.”

The enema was waiting for him in the bathroom, as well as an unopened package of wipes. Ironically, his bad eating habits were helping him then, having had a light lunch early that day and gone to the bathroom a couple of times. According to biology, he should be cleaned enough. Still, he made sure of washing his butt with the wipes until there was no trace of dirtiness, even looking at himself in the mirror in an awkward angle.

Then, he eyed at the enema. Right. Better not to think too much about it. He knew the theory already, so it shouldn’t be that difficult… Removing the small sachet with lube attached to it, he proceeded to fill it with warm water up to the indication. He took a deep breath and the released it.

“Come on, I have had bigger things up my ass” he murmured to himself.

The tiles of the bathroom were cold when he laid down, first opening the lube to put an small amount around his entrance and the rest on the tip of the enema. Bringing his legs up to his chest, he held it in position.

“Ok” he breathed. “Ok.”

He pushed the enema it, the sensation not as uncomfortable as he had expected. Until he pressed it to fill up his butt. It felt weird. At that point of his life, even weirder than having an actual penis inside. At least he had gotten used to that solid sensation.

Once Kakashi felt the enema empty, he took the tip out and clenched his ass to avoid a massive disaster. Now, he was supposed to wait. He huffed, one arm coming up to cover his eyes as he counted. Six minutes and thirty-seven seconds. Yup, that sounded about right. It was either take it, or poop all over his bathroom floor.

Releasing the enema in the toilet was equally disgusting and relieving, but the overall clarity of it compensated the experience. He was more than happy to clean himself again with wipes afterwards, satisfied with the result even if he didn’t have anything to compare it to.

Quickly, he disposed of the items —wipes to the trash, enema to the sink for cleaning it later— and put his underwear back on before entering the bedroom. Gai was doing push-ups on the bed. Because, of course, that was the best way to spend time as your boyfriend took an enema.

“I think I did it well enough” he commented, approaching the mattress slowly. “There shouldn’t be any disgusting surprise.”

“Oh! That was faster than I expected, rival!” the other boy beamed, stopping his exercise to look at him with an honest smile on his face. “And we shouldn’t worry about it that much! I’m sure if something happens we’ll be able to deal with it as it comes.”

Why did Kakashi’s stomach like to do a flip whenever Gai talked with so much convince and tranquility? Decided to not dwell too much on it, the Hatake climbed back up on the bed and grabbed his boyfriend by the neck, pulling him into a deep kiss.

They fell down on the mattress with their lips still locked, hands moving to clumsily explore the other’s. Not liking to be the only one in his underwear, Kakashi found the knot of Gai’s hitai-ate to unmake it and threw the protector away. Without it, keep pulling the jumpsuit down was rather easy and, if together with it the thong got caught, he didn’t mind.

As expected, his boyfriend didn’t stay far behind, one hand slipping under his underwear as the other brushed the Hatake’s spine up and down, softly pushing him forwards so their members could touch. They almost lost themselves in the feeling of the other’s fist against their arousals, the sensation being something they had gotten used to during their moments together over the last month. Wonderful handjobs were not their aim that day, though.

“Wait” he groaned against Gai’s lips. “W-We have to pace ourselves.”

His boyfriend released him almost immediately, the warm contact being instantly missed.

“O-Of course! Sorry, rival, I got so caught up on it that I… forgot.”

“That’s alright, it happened to me as well.”

Gai smiled, fingers still brushing against his hard member.

“So, uh, what do I do?”

“I need to be prepared first, so it doesn’t hurt” he explained. “That’s what the lube is for, mostly.”

He moved, reaching the white bag under his bed to take out one bottle and a condom. His boyfriend followed his movements with the eyes, probably ready to jump into action with whatever order Kakashi gave him.

The thing was, the Academy didn’t explain much about sex. They stuck with relationships among men and women, which bits went where and the correct way to use protection in order to avoid producing offspring too early. Anal sex? Definitely not in the writing exam. The Hatake had had to learn all about it in ANBU. Which he didn’t consider very useful, either, as most of his lessons weren’t appliable to honey-pot missions. If anything, what he remembered better was how to please the other person, and only because that normally made it end faster.

“So, um, you’re supposed to start first with your fingers, so my muscles get use to the sensation and relax” he continued, back in front of Gai who was rather flushed. “I can do it, if you’re not comfortable with it.”

“No! I-I want to, rival!” he beamed, taking the lube from him. “I just… I imagined you in that position with my fingers and, uh…”

Kakashi noticed then that the hand not holding the bottle rested over his member, as if trying to hide it.

Oh.

He chuckled.

“That’s alright, Gai, I think we getting aroused ahead is kind of the main goal here” his boyfriend blushed more, if possible. “Although, first you should wash your hands.”

“Oh, of course!” the other boy nodded, scrambling out of bed. “I’ll be right back, rival!”

He counted about three minutes before Gai appeared again, hands a little wet but otherwise cleaner than what Kakashi remembered ever seeing them. His boyfriend climbed back onto the mattress slowly, eyes set on him with a hint of eagerness and lust, as well as a good amount of doubt.

“So, uh, I just..?”

The Hatake tried to hide that he was equally nervous. He didn’t think it was working, but still.

“We need lubrication and then… Well, you go for it, I guess.”

“O-Ok” the other boy mumbled, opening the lube to fill the fingers of his right hand. “Then, I, uh… Here.”

For the first time since they started, he saw Gai taking the initiative, crawling until he was in front of him. They were both resting on their knees, so the other boy just had to bent down a bit to catch his lips. Diving into the kiss, Kakashi barely noticed when Gai’s index finger brushed against his rear. He whined.

“Is this fine?”

“Y-Yeah, I just didn’t expect it” he admitted, kissing him again. “Can you… Do it slowly?”

“Of course, rival.”

For better adjustment, he let his boyfriend lay him down slowly over the mattress. The position was clearly exposing —belly up, legs slightly spread out—, but he had other things to worry about at the moment. It took a bit before the tip of Gai’s finger actually entered him, his ass immediately constricting around the intrusion. The Hatake breathed in and out, noticing his boyfriend’s movements had stopped completely.

“Is it too much? Should I have waited more?” he frantically asked. “I’m sorry, I should have asked before. Did I hurt you? I can take it out, or will that hurt you more? I don’t know…”

“Gai” he protested, grabbing the other boy’s face and forcing his eyes on him. “You didn’t hurt me. It feels weird, but not bad.”

“O-Oh, good, that’s good” his boyfriend mumbled, lips awkwardly moving with his face pressed from the cheeks. “Can I move, then?”

“Give me a minute” the Hatake decided, closing his eyes to get used to the feeling. He had been fingered only a couple of times before, without lube and rather fast, so he didn’t have anything to compare the sensation to. But at least it was not hurtful. “I’m ok, now. I think that my, uh… prostate should be close so, if you move your finger slightly up and in, then… AH!”

Kami-sama!

He felt Gai starting to remove his hand.

“Do not take it out” he groaned, teeth clenching. “Repeat what you just did.”

“Oh, ok” his boyfriend said, adding with more enthusiasm: “Like… This?”

“Agh! YES!”

It was an electric sensation, what he felt. A kind of pleasure he had never experienced before and ran from his groin to the rest of his body. It was not the first time somebody touched his prostate, but he doubted the people he had bedded were in search of his pleasure. Having that spot battered painfully was not the same as it being pressured like Gai was doing.

“I’m gonna move now, rival.”

“Uh-uh” he mumbled, hands grabbing the sheets underneath.

Kakashi didn’t open his eyes for a bit, instead enjoying the sensation of Gai’s finger moving in and out of him, brushing over that marvelous spot and —shamefully— whimpering when a wave of pleasure hit him. He was fairly sure his member was dripping pre-cum like crazy.

“You look beautiful like this, rival” the other boy murmured against his ear.

Kami, since when could he speak in that tone?

“A-Another” he moaned. “You can use a second finger.”

Gai hummed, apparently trusting his judgment this time. He felt more lube spread over his entrance before a second digit slowly pucked in. The weird sensation increased, but so did the pleasure when his prostate was hit again.

“Good?”

“Yeah” he nodded, finally opening his eyes. “Keep going.”

His boyfriend’s expression was one of adoration and patience, as if all his nervousness had left when he realized Kakashi was enjoying himself. Looking down, the Hatake noticed he was not the only one dripping pre-cum, so at least Gai was getting off with his pleasure as well. Smiling —possibly stupidly—, he pushed the other boy down by the neck for a kiss. The feeling of those lips while a couple of fingers brushed over his prostate? Definitely a good one. He moaned into the kiss.

For the next digit, Gai just looked intensively at him while gently pushing it inside, a nod from him everything he needed as a confirmation. It almost felt like too much for a second, his hold on Gai increasing until his fingertips were noticeable on the other boy’s skin.

“Do I take them out?”

“N-No” he breathed. “Just… Give me a moment to adjust.”

The ceiling was of an awful grey color, perfectly visible thanks to the light coming from the window —curtains drawn, of course— and worked as a perfect distraction for him. Kakashi evened his breathing and tried to relax his muscles more, ignoring the tightness of Gai’s fingers inside him. It was just slightly painful and mostly weird, but he was confident the pleasure would come back. It had to.

The feeling of his boyfriend’s free hand brushing against his side brought him back from his mind. It also gave him a perfect idea.

“Gai” he half-whined. “Do you think you could..?”

One of his hands moved in the general direction of his crotch, the other boy’s eyes opening wide.

“Of course, rival!”

He barely needed a minute to readjust his posture —careful of not moving the fingers inside of the Hatake— before his palm grabbed at the hard member. The bliss sensation was immediate, pleasure shooting through Kakashi’s body and making him moan. Gai had developed a fantastic technique during their previous times, and his fingers moved expertly up and down his erection, pre-cum being spread all over. As his tip was played with, the pain in his rear started to decrease until only the weird feeling of the digits inside was left.

“Ok” he panted. “I’m ok, Gai, you can move now.”

His boyfriend looked up at him —his eyes before focusing on the job he was doing—, some concern still left on his expression.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Yeah, I am.”

Nodding, Gai slowly removed his three fingers, the emptiness becoming overwhelming for Kakashi in just a moment. Fortunately, he barely had to wait a couple of seconds before he was filled again, once the other boy gathered the lube falling from him to ease the entrance. That time, just an stretching sensation followed the intrusion. A tug on his hard member made him moan.

The Hatake felt his consciousness threatening to slip off as pleasure invade him. It was almost too much, being filled while a hand played with him so carefully. At some point, his hips started to move following Gai’s rhythm, not in a fake display as he had been forced to do in the past. No. This was just his body reacting to the undeniable pleasure he was being offered. The Hatake could cry.

“Ah, ah, AH!” he moaned, ankles sinking in the mattress.

Kami, if they continued like that… Both of his hands shot up to grab the one on his member.

“W-Wait” Kakashi panted, not even capable of feeling ashamed of his tone, “I can’t… I won’t last like this.”

Gai’s hand released him slowly and interlaced their fingers instead, completely ignoring the pre-cum spreading on their joined palms.

“Can I kiss you, at least?” his boyfriend asked.

“Yes, please.”

The lips on him were equally capable of giving him pleasure, but at least the overwhelming sensation decreased a notch. As the rest of his senses proceeded to catch up with the present, Kakashi was able to perceive the smell of sex in the bedroom and the amount of noises echoing in the walls. The wet slap of Gai’s fingers inside him. The moans leaving his mouth every few seconds. His boyfriend’s gasps. Their mouths clashing against each other. It was real. It was perfect.

That kiss must have been the longer they ever shared, or maybe he just lost track of time as he whined inside of Gai’s mouth, tongues brushing softly.

“I’m ready” he mumbled against his boyfriend’s neck after a bit. “We can… I’m ready.”

Gai separated a bit from him, actually sitting back in between the Hatake’s spread legs, fingers still moving inside of him. Like that, Kakashi was perfectly capable of seeing their leaking members, the other boy’s almost pulsing.

“How are you getting off with this?” he groaned.

“Well, rival, you’re very handsome like this” Gai responded as if it was obvious, middle finger curling up and making him moan, “and I really enjoy pleasuring you.”

The Hatake huffed, trying to hide his face behind his arm, but his boyfriend removed it almost immediately.

“Beautiful.”

“Shut up” he protested. “And take your fingers out.”

“Isn’t it too soon?” Gai honestly questioned. “You said it will hurt if you’re not stretched enough, so maybe we should continue a bit longer…”

At that point, Kakashi could feel the movement of the other boy’s digits inside, but the tightness was not nearly as close as to what he had felt at the beginning.

“I could add a fourth finger.”

“Ease up, tiger” he chuckled. “You may be bigger than me now, but you’re not that big.”

 “I will be, one day!”

It kind of sounded like a promise.

“Well, then when that day arrives, I’ll let you fit your hole fist in if you want” he joked, managing to make his boyfriend blush one more time. “For now, I think this is more than fine.”

This time, Gai nodded and slowly removed his fingers. Once they were completely out, the Hatake was able to feel his muscles contracting and relaxing, as if expecting to find some resistance again. It was weird, but not entirely uncomfortable. He incorporated a bit, feeling the lube spilling out of him and over the mattress. The mess they were making exceeded any other of their previous plays, which he supposed it was to be expected.

“Where is the condom?” he asked, looking around.

“Uh, I think it fell” the other boy said. “It should be… Here!”

He quickly retrieved the squared package from the ground, offering it to Kakashi.

“Do you want me to put it on?” he asked.

“What? Oh, no! I mean, I can do it!” Gai loudly claimed, realizing his position. “Unless, that is, you want to…”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Gai, I have jerked you off a few times already, I’m sure I can put a condom on you without too much fuss.”

Without giving the other boy a chance to answer, he took the package from his hand and fumbled with it until it teared. For a second he questioned if the small round plastic would be able to fit Gai —it really seemed like a tight fit—, but as soon as he started to roll it down as they had been taught he realized the stupidity of it. The thing was so elastic it could probably have his own head inside if they tried it.

“How does it feel?” he asked, once it was completely in place. “I just took the standard, but I think there are different types we could try, another time.”

“Well, it’s… Like having a sock on? But way thinner, so it doesn’t bothers or hurts” Gai explained with a weird face as he looked at his now protected member. “It’s not too tight or too loose, so it should be fine according to the Academy, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok, then… How do we do it?”

Kakashi thought about it for a moment, trying to remember the indications in the ANBU classes instead of his previous experiences.

“I suppose I could stand on my knees and hands? Or just lay on my belly” he said. “Whatever you prefer, really.”

“Oh, and what about…” Gai doubted for a second. “I mean, I, um… would like to look at you while… If that’s ok with you, of course!”

Normally, the Hatake would try to avoid such position. Not only because it had hurt more in the past —mostly due to the little consideration from his partners—, but he didn’t like to see the other’s face, either. They would attempt to kiss or lick him then, and he would be forced to fake enjoyment.

This was different, though. Even if there was lust in Gai’s expression, it was accompanied by adoration and concern, too. Being able to look at it while they had sex didn’t sound like a bad idea.

“Ok” he muttered, nodding with his head. “We could do it as we were before? What do you think?”

“Yes, rival! I would like that very much” his boyfriend beamed, bending forwards for a kiss. “Are you ready?”

Kakashi’s lips brushed against Gai’s again, smiling.

“Yeah” he said, letting himself fall over the mattress again. “Ready.”

His legs opened as many other times before, but his boyfriend’s hands on him were soft and caring, stroking his skin up from his thighs to his entrance. He spread the leftover lube around before applying more on his member, possibly more than necessary to avoid hurting Kakashi.

“So, um, I’m going to start pushing in now, rival” Gai said, thumbs moving up and down on his thighs.

He nodded, not sure of trusting his voice.

The pressure felt unbearable almost immediately, the tip of his boyfriend’s erection just breaching him. The Hatake closed his eyes and breathed through it, hoping the pain would go away. It didn’t.

“Stop” he pleaded for the first time in his life. “Please, stop.”

And Gai did. Instantly. Tears fell down Kakashi’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, rival! I’m so sorry! What do I do? Do you want me to pull it out?” even if the other boy’s voice was frantic and worried, his hands cared slowly over his thighs, soothing him.

“I-I don’t know” the Hatake mumbled, finding hard to breathe. “It’s not like before with your fingers, but I don’t know why.”

Slowly, Gai moved back. Part of the pain left with him, but the stretch remained there. Still, Kakashi didn’t want to stop. He refused to believe that all sex had to be painful. This was something he wanted to enjoy with his boyfriend.

“Maybe the angle?” the other boy suggested with some doubt. “I-I mean, when I was using my fingers I could bend my wrist to align them, but like this… It’s complicated. So, if you want to try again we could raise your hips somehow?”

It seemed simple enough, and it kind of made sense to Kakashi, so he nodded. Gai didn’t need much more before reaching for the bed’s pillow and a cushion the Hatake used when reading. Carefully, his boyfriend slid them under his hips as he raised them by setting his feet on the mattress. Having his head at a lower height than the rest of his body was not uncomfortable, but neither something he was used to.

“Is this fine?” Gai asked.

“I think so, the position is not straining me.”

“Good” the other boy swallowed. “Then, should I try again?”

“Yes. Just… Could you use more lube?”

“Of course, rival!”

And so he did, first on his member and then on Kakashi’s entrance, even prodding in with a finger to coat the insides. It felt messy, but it didn’t matter at that point.

“Ok?”

“Ok.”

Gai pushed slowly in one more time. The stretch came back, but it was not as bad as before, more like when adding another finger. As for the pain, it was muffled, just a tiny notion in the back of his mind.

“Good?”

“Y-Yeah, keep going a bit.”

His boyfriend pulled back before moving forwards again, the tip of his member finally brushing against Kakashi’s prostate. He whined.

“AH! There!”

Gai didn’t need more indications, movements becoming more fluent as he slid out and then in at a nice pace, his erection hitting the same place again and again. It didn’t take long before the Hatake was moaning with the same insensitivity as when being fingered, the pain and stretch long forgotten.

His next pant was captured by his boyfriend’s lips, body completely covering his as he moved his hips back and forth with perfect muscle control.

“Can I touch you?” Gai asked against his cheek.

Kakashi just nodded, another whine leaving his mouth. The other boy’s hand closing around his member increased the pleasure to a new level. Uncapable of controlling himself, his own hips thrusted up, following the movement of Gai’s fist, and when coming down his prostate was hit with precision.

“Fuck, GAI!” he loudly moaned, voice not even sounding like his. “Y-You can… keep going. Deeper.”

One of his hands managed to catch the other boy’s hips, finding then the center of his lower back and pushing softly down to guide the movement like he wanted. As he was further penetrated, the stretching feeling came back just to disappear as the rest of Gai’s member brushed over his prostate and his fingers pinched the tip of his own erection.

“You’re so beautiful like this, rival” his boyfriend panted against his ear. “You feel so… so good…”

Kakashi moaned.

They kissed as their bodies moved against each other, sometimes soft and others accelerated, as if the pleasure was pulling them in two different directions at the same time. The Hatake bit Gai’ shoulder, leaving the imprint of his teeth in there. The other boy made sure of sucking the life out of his neck, no doubt taking advantage of him using a mask to cover any mark.

Suddenly, just as he felt the hilt of the erection hitting his entrance, Kakashi found himself having problems to follow the speed. Bottoming out seemed to have aroused Gai even more, his hips almost pistoning back and forth. At the beginning, the sensation was pleasurable, his prostate being hit with precision and making him see the stars. Then, it became too much.

The hand on Gai’s back remained there, but the one that up until that moment had been clawing at the sheets flew up to his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“S-Slower down… Ah, AH!” he panted in between moans. “Just… Ugh! Just a bit.”

“Su-Sure, rival” his boyfriend nodded against his neck, hips turning down the rhythm a notch. “Like this?”

“Yeah” he breathed, whining as his prostate was pressed again. “Oh, fuck! This is perfect.”

There was a well-known feeling forming in his lower belly, pre-cum leaving his member like crazy as Gai continued his expertise work on him.

“I’m… I’m close” he admitted, not sure of how much time had passed.

“Me too, rival.”

Gai kissed him, one hand holding his hips down while the other brushed Kakashi’s cheek with a delicacy that didn’t fit the moment. Then, those same fingers moved down again, grabbing his member and palming it up and down in a way he knew drove the Hatake crazy. The mix of moan and whine that left his mouth as his prostate was hit at the same time was nothing short of shameful.

“GAI!”

“A little more, rival, just… A little… More…”

“F-Fuck, Gai. AH! I-I can’t… I’m…” his hips moved without permission, looking for more friction.

“Yes, rival!” his boyfriend panted against his mouth. “That’s… I’m… AH!”

Gai’s body thrusted forwards forcefully, his member completely buried inside of the Hatake, hips slowly rocking as his orgasm subsided. And still, even in his bliss, the other boy managed to keep pleasuring him, the hand on his erection making him moan until he spilled, too.

It felt perfect.

For the first time, sex with penetration was good.

A moment later, Gai’s body gave up, member slipping out as he fell over him, which was kind of awkward with a couple of cushions under his hips and cum painting his belly, but he didn’t care. His legs managed to move a bit, covering his boyfriend’s ankles to keep him in place as his arms hugged him.

“Thank you” he murmured against his ear.

“Any… time” the other boy hummed with his mouth over Kakashi’s chest. “Just… for what? Was the orgasm that good?”

The Hatake chuckled.

“Yeah, definitely” he said. “But I meant for all of this. For proving me it didn’t have to hurt.”

Gai’s head lifted a bit to lock their eyes.

“Rival” he breathed.

There was possibly a speech waiting to follow that word. It was not what Kakashi wanted. Instead, he forced the muscles of his neck to stretch so he could kiss his boyfriend.

“Let’s rest for a bit before cleaning.”

The other boy seemed to understand his desires, nodding and making his damp hair brush against the Hatake’s sensible nipples.

“As you wish, rival. You’re rather comfortable, so I don’t have complaints.”

“Yeah, well, you’re heavy, so don’t get too used to it.”

Gai’s laugh echoed in the room, his stomach doing a flip at the sweetness of it.

They remained like that —dirty, full of sweat, almost breathless— for a few more minutes, until the feeling shifted from ‘magical afterglow’ to ‘disgusting fluids all over us’.

“I think I’m going to move now, Kakashi” his boyfriend said. “The condom is starting to feel uncomfortable.”

“I was thinking the same.”

Slowly, as if his body was already sore from the exercise, Gai incorporated into a sitting position. The Hatake managed to support his weight on the elbows, feeling a little uncomfortable at the wetness in between his legs.

“So, uh… To avoid it spilling out I have to hold from the base and pull out, right?” the other boy asked.

“Yeah. I see you really listened to the instructions they gave us at the Academy” he joked.

His smile, however, disappeared the moment his eyes settled on Gai’s member and he saw the brown spot on the tip.

“Shit” he mumbled, rolling to one side of the bed to take an extra package of wipes from the bag underneath. “Here. I’m sorry.”

His boyfriend frowned for a second, as if not understanding what was happening until he followed Kakashi’s line of sight.

“Oh. Nothing to be sorry about, rival!” he beamed, taking a wipe and cleaning the condom without a second thought. “We knew this could happen, so it’s all fine!”

Still, the Hatake blushed, fully embarrassed.

“And your fingers...?”

The other boy lifted them up, inspecting each digit that had been inside of him.

“Perfectly clean! So, as I said, rival, nothing to be sorry for!” he smiled.

Kami-sama, it was as if he had challenged himself to make Kakashi fall in love with him even more.

In silence, the Hatake observed the other boy taking off the condom with a concentration face, not spilling a drop out and making a tight knot at the end.

“Done! Where can I dispose of it?”

“The bathroom trash should be fine” he indicated. “And, uh, maybe you could bring some towels as well?”

“Of course, rival!”

Gai bent forwards to quickly kiss him before jumping off the bed. Kakashi watched his sexy butt walk away with a smile. Then, his lips changed into a grimace as he looked down on himself. He had leftovers of his own cum sticking on his chest and belly, and the mess in between his legs was just disgusting. His entrance still felt stretched, muscles contracting and relaxing as lube spilled out.

Sighing, the Hatake let himself fall back down on the mattress.

“There were several towels to choose from, rival, so I took the softest one. I hope you don’t mind.”

Kakashi made a humming noise as he looked up to the ceiling. That was, until his body flinched upon feeling a warm cloth brushing his thighs.

“Sorry! I should have asked” his boyfriend said. “Is it ok if I clean you?”

“Why is the towel warm?”

“Oh, because I guessed you would be sore, and as a taijutsu master I know that a warm cloth can help with muscle soreness, so…” he explained. “But I can go for a cold and dry one, if you prefer, rival!”

There was Gai, undoubtedly making Kakashi fall for him all over again.

“No, it feels nice” he nodded. “Do you mind?”

Still embarrassed, the Hatake separated his legs for better access, and a moment later the warm cloth came back, slowly cleaning the lube away. Against what his body was used to after sex, he felt himself relaxing, enjoying the attention his boyfriend was offering him and feeling way better by the time the towels went away.

“Good?” Gai asked a minute later. “I can go for another one, if you want.”

“It’s ok” he denied, finally incorporating as he felt cleaner. “I think it’s time for us to change the bed and maybe take a shower.”

“Great plan, rival!” the other boy beamed, looking at him with a shy expression before adding: “And after maybe we can cuddle for a bit?”

He smiled.

“Sure.”

Getting rid of the sheets was easy enough, but they both stood looking down on the mattress afterwards.

“Ugh” the Hatake complained. “I should have expected this.”

The lube had soaked through the sheets and on the bed as well. Not too much, but enough to leave a humid stain in there.

“Well, it’s of course unfortunate, rival, but nothing some air cannot fix!”

He hoped.

“Next time, we’re putting some towels over the sheets.”

“Next time?”

“Yeah?” the Hatake said, looking up to his boyfriend. “Unless you don’t want..?”

“Oh, no!” he exclaimed. “I do! I definitely do, rival! Very much, in fact.”

Kakashi laughed.

“Good. Now, let’s go take a shower and see if the mattress dries in the meantime.”

Making a ball with the dirty sheets and towels, he put them under his arm to throw them on the laundry basket in the bathroom, and with the other hand he grabbed his boyfriend. Gai, of course, let himself being dragged without a word. They entered the shower while smiling, the warm water being very much welcomed by his skin. Still holding his boyfriend’s hand, he pulled him in under the showerhead and then kissed his lips. Gai happily laughed.

“Is it ok if I help you cleaning, rival?” he asked, foreheads touching.

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

Their hands travelled each other bodies’, but this time without any sexual context. Kakashi fingers brushed over Gai’s member and belly while the other boy carefully rinsed his back and ass. The soreness of his entrance was still there, but the feeling of his boyfriend’s digits caring the skin was blissful. That sensation only increased as they stepped out some time later, Gai picking up the largest towel available and drying him carefully before making him into a giant burrito. He stayed completely still as his boyfriend dried himself with slightly less care, hair still dripping a bit when he turned to pick the Hatake up, bridal style.

“What are you doing?” he chuckled.

“Carrying you to bed, of course!”

“You know I can walk even like this, right?” Kakashi pointed out. However, he was uncapable of doing nothing more than sighing at Gai’s pout. “It’s ok.”

The other boy’s face brightened up as if those words were a magical gift. Comfy and warm, he was carried back to the naked mattress. It was still slightly wet from the lube that had soaked it, but not to an uncomfortable level. They would have to wait a bit before putting some new sheets, though.

As the bed sank towards the other side —Gai’s body coming closer to his—, Kakashi crawled as best as he could until he was face to face with his boyfriend. Getting his arms out of the towel was a challenge itself, but the effort was worth it to brush the other boy’s bangs out of the way.

“Are you tired?”

“Just a bit, rival” he said as a yawned overtook him. “And you?”

“I can stay awake for a little while.”

Gai nodded, staying silent afterwards, just looking at him. Kakashi’s heart started to beat faster just because of it. He found himself in some kind of limbo, as if his brain was trying to process the fact that having sex could actually be an enjoyable activity. One that he would very much like to repeat sometime in the close future. Because, yes, there had been some pain and uncomfortable moments, but he had been in control at all times. Gai had listened to him, worrying about how he was feeling. There hadn’t been a moment in which he didn’t feel safe and… loved. It was scary, but also exciting.

Which, unfortunately, also made him think about other things.

“Is there something wrong?” his boyfriend asked, surprising him. “You have your overthinking face on, rival.”

“I don’t” he huffed, making an effort to relax his frown. “Just… Are you sure you don’t mind? Now that you know how it is like, if I have to… have sex with a target, in a mission.”

He found the idea somehow disturbing at the moment. Would the touch of somebody else erase the one Gai had imprinted on him? Would the new memories become disgusting ones as well? He knew he could still sleep with somebody else if the mission required it, but… He shuddered at the idea.

“I wouldn’t say I don’t mind, Kakashi, but…” the other boy stopped for a moment, as if thinking. “You told me it was worth it. Whatever you meant with that, I don’t think it has changed just because we had sex. If you’re ok with it, then so am I. Just…”

Doubt.

“Yes?”

“I, um… I saw your face when I hurt you by accident, rival” he muttered. “I could see in your expression it was a pain you had experienced before but that you’re capable to hide if necessary. I just hate thinking you’ll be hurt like that.”

He nodded, acknowledging the comment, because there was nothing else he could do with it. If he continued with the honey-pot missions, there would be, undeniably, some level of pain associated to them. Some targets were more considerate than others, but they all caused him physical or emotional distress when having sex. Even if —against his will— his body reacted to their ministrations and some of them even managed to make him cum, it was never a pleasant experience. But he could not forget about the people he had saved thanks to him being able to get close enough to those targets. If it wasn’t for his sacrifice, children would have become slaves of despicable adults.

“I think… I think I’ll keep accepting the missions, if they come” he said, very low, nose brushing against Gai’s. “As long as I can go back to you after.”

“Always, rival.”

Kakashi kissed him, slow and caring, those three words they were not able to pronounce yet transferring from his lips to Gai’s. Then, he turned around, crawling out of the towel and letting his boyfriend’s arms hold him instead, back pressed against a hard and comfortable chest. With Gai’s face buried on his neck and his big hands keeping him warm, he fell easily asleep just seconds after the other boy’s snores filled the room.

[drinkyourvillainjuice]

Secretary Questions and Answers Part 1

What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?

Being nice to people you don't know. nd also large amount of cocaine

Why did you make the reading comprehension section in the last module?

I'm a librarian! Teaching literacy is half the fun of my job! The rates of functional illiteracy are quite high (up to 50% in some areas of North America). I believe that literacy is one of the few ways to better one's situation, and it starts with asking questions about what you are reading and trying to read in-between the lines. I like teaching people :)

Bingus?

Did you do 9/11?

When I was a wee young lass,

What are some other interactive novels you would recommend?

Secretary Answer: The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante!

Author Answer: For choice of games/hosted games, I like Night Road, the creme de la creme series, fallen hero (which is probably the most predictable recc ever), lies under ice was a really cool recent sci fi release, slammed! is old but pretty great. Separate to choicescript, Our Life Beginnings and Always has a special spot in my heart, it's very much a comfort game for me. I played Digimon Survive this year and although it's kind of a hybrid (it has a lot of turn-based strategy) it's a cool spooky VN. I like the zero escape series too, but also heavily criticise them the way that only somebody who likes something a lot can.

Secretary Answer: show off

What are the characters opinions about peeing in the shower?

nobody pisses in the shower excepts:

Vantage (time efficient)

Hypothesis (he also poops in the shower)

Beth (she's incontinent)

how do author and secretary come together to work on DYVJ? what's the synergy and system like (if there is a system)?

The author writes and does the creative management of the story. She chooses what is inputted in the story and all.

The secretary, me!, deals with a lot of the behind the scene stuff, and with participates in the character design and scene compositions. Create plot points, keep track of things, etc.

essentially, she writes and i am her HR manager. the blog was my idea :)

you guys gay?

i ate her pussy, yes

why is she named surpass

iirc it's because I wanted to evoke a sort of - I don't want to say "Superman" vibe, but I wanted to have a name that evokes power and force. It also feeds a bit into her personality. She's kind of cocky, I'm sure you've noticed, and 'Surpass' has a kind of 'come at me bro' feel to it, making it more the kind of name she'd pick.

Can we smooch Surpass?

Surpass is presently unsmoochable.

Very serious and important question that is totally serious and not at all not serious. At all. Ever. So. Would CG let MC pamper her and feed her sweets via hand? I want to hand feed my handler a Cannoli

CG would be unbelievably tsundere about anyone trying to pamper her.

How did you play Baldur's Gate 3?

my wife says i play games like a maniac. in stealth games (hitman, my beloved), i just run around with guns and kill everything and then finish the missions. allegedly im not supposed to play the game like that! bg3 was a similar experience: what do you mean im not supposed to kill story npcs for their loot? aradin, eat your heart out

[clairedaring]

Ep 6 was really bittersweet for Kan and Thiu’s relationship. It’s obvious that they both distrust each other to a certain extent. Thiu is still suspicious of Kan regarding the deaths while Kan also knows that Thiu suspects him when Thiu suddenly suggested that they live together. At the same time, deep down, I think they do genuinely like each other/have an attraction to each other. I really hope we get a happy ending for them, I feel nervous for the last 2 episodes 😢

Hi nonnie ಥ_ಥ

I'm so sorry I missed this ask. Yeah I think it's really bittersweet for Kan and Tew. This particular scene where you can hear Kan's monologue in his head talking about how he could stop time since he knows this happiness can't last, followed by a shot of Tew looking very sad in Kan's arms because he himself knows they're playing family for a show with both people having their own undisclosed motives for being here.

I read quite a few people saying that Kan and Tew's relationship must be developing off-screen but for me I prefer headcanon-ing that it isn't and I will take all their on-screen interactions to interpret whatever they have going on so far (perhaps the only headcanon I'd have is that there's a gap of time between them starting to get to know each other on the mountains before Somsak was killed).

I should probably make an essay to discuss the similar treatment of toning down of confident gay Jom (from I Feel You Linger In The Air) and Wasan/Tew and how that has affected the narrative of their respective romantic relationship development. But maybe another day (if i remember to sit down and write it😭)

Although I don't enjoy this particular characterisation for Tew, I will at least give Lux some kudos for following through to the end with her stubborn mindset to make Tew a very suspicious cop (only occasionally blinded by the gay charms of Dr. Kan). (jj my beloved 🤨 you keep that furrowed brow game going for me, i will defend you from all slander)

At most, series!Tew gets some points knocked off for being a bit too gullible at certain moments in the series where he was supposed to be very suspicious and alert just minutes before. But it's interesting to see that Lux wanted to write a Police Captain 'Tew' Wasan that was very suspicious of Kan, that had a lot of walls to break down, that was willingly corroborate with his senior in order to get himself kicked out from the team in order to move in with the guy he likes but is also suspicious of to keep an eye on him as well as investigate.

EP 6 is a special favorite episode of mine really because it presented quite clear to me the vision that Lux had for Tew (one definitely different from my imagination/expectation). Tew moved in with Kan for a reason and Kan knew it. Kan knows but he doesn't care because right now he needs the warmth and company, regardless whether it's coming from a genuine place or not.

It reminded me of a Thai idiom I came across while reading I Feel You Linger In The Air novel - "a chicken sees the snake's foot and a snake sees the chicken's breast", which describes the situation when both parties know each other's secrets. In this case, they both know that the other is harboring a secret they can't disclose yet they won't confront each other about it.

The peak of the angst for that episode for me is when Kan opened a series to watch with Tew and he was very much about to make the hand holding move but Tew held back. I doubt it was unintentional or coincidental. Tew watches Kahon Maha Ratuek (a series where the wife of the police captain in the series is a killer) with such unease.

It's kind of understandable that Tew started doing these things, building up that wall again since he's given Kan many times to tell him the truth before but Kan keeps LYING to him (oh Dr. Kan why are you like this, do you want to lose your guy?!?!?!?!?). I don't feel like they're there yet.

Likewise nonnie, I'm excited to see how things end for my guy Tew. My most anticipated arc is for Tew coming to terms with the death of his mother and for him to understand that his mom died peacefully with no regrets so he doesn't have to keep carrying the guilt of not being able to see her one last time before she passes (recommending this excellent essay from @maybe-boys-do-love on the parallels of queer/grief acceptance in smym).

Personally, I don't necessarily expect a sunshine and rainbow happy ever after for Kan and Tew (this is one31 and not gmmtv/domundi/boc, i've learned my lesson that one31 is merciless with their lead characters, going so far as to giving lead characters undeserving deaths just so audience would suffer with them, very historical cdrama-huhu ending coded) nor do I expect the narrative to whitewash Kan's assistance in Boss' suicide into something 'good' and 'ethical'.

I feel like my ramblings has completely missed the mark on your ask. But hopefully you enjoy my lengthy smym ramblings as compensation for answering this ask so late. Merry Christmas nonnie if you celebrate that (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

here please have an unused tew gif i've made as an apology 😭

[cococowboah]

I think about this video whenever I realize how far I've come after leaving the JW organization.

I went from being a self-hating, self-denying bisexual trans kid who kept insisting my boyish tendencies were "just a phase" and that I'd grow out of them eventually, a person who couldn't even function outside of a relationship because I had been taught I was a woman and a woman is nothing without a man, a person who longed so badly to immerse myself in queer relationships and queer culture but couldn't because I believed in my heart that if I so much as thought about two men kissing I'd burst into flames,

To today, where I'm an openly awkward trans guy who just wants to write gay stories and drink coffee and enjoy the life I finally have now that I'm not spending all my free time knocking on doors and handing people shitty magazines.

Even my mom made a change, she was a MASSIVE homophobe even coming out of the religion, she referred to gay relationships as "grody," she never held back disgust when a gay couple were shown kissing on TV, she made every effort to be offensive towards queer folk and even when I was within a similar mindset I found her to be extreme about it, because we weren't supposed to hate the person, we were supposed to hate tha act.

And now, she reads all my books, yes, even the gay ones. She supports me. She was openly approving of Kai and Alan's relationship in my ExJW novel and gave me advice when writing it, she openly mocked the fictional homophobic Dad and stated how disgusting HE was, completely flipping her old comments on the head. She still doesn't "understand" what it means to be trans but she has stated she will support me no matter what and that's what's important to me.

Yes, Caleb's mom, people CAN change.

People CAN go from being self-hating forced homophobes into proud, loving people who acknowledge gay love is valid. I've seen it with my own eyes, and I can guarantee I will see it a million times more!

[mildmayfoxe]

big fan of your romance novel complaint posts (love to see a fellow hater living it up) but i’m also curious if there are any you would recommend? not looking for anything in particular, just would love to hear your thoughts as someone else with nitpicky reading habits and a taste for trash

ok hello. i left you hanging for a FULL week and for that i am sorry but i wanted to be able to have some time to sit down and type out a real answer to which the short version is YES of course there are several that i have enjoyed!! my disclaimer is that i almost solely read gay romance so if you are looking for lesbian or even straight reccs i don't have much for you (although i will put a couple at the end anyway). hopefully something in this list is interesting to you or at least interesting to someone else! links are mostly to goodreads. break bc i'm gonna write too much

-kj charles is one of my fave authors in this genre bc they're all pretty reliable and there's a ton of them. they're all historical fiction and usually there's at least one murder- she's good at keeping a plot going while developing a romance. often supernatural or magical elements. sometimes cults! i've read almost all of the books she's written and have enjoyed them all

-charlie adhara wrote a really incredible werewolf series that i loved, the first of which is the wolf at the door. this is one of the only series i've read which keeps the emotional stakes up through the whole thing & kept me interested in a relationship after it was established bc sooo many series get boring the second the leads get together. i actually read the first book of the spin-off series (a pack of lies) first which is technically possible but i don't recommend bc i was like "wow they're really throwing me in here. i love it" and then i read the first series and i was like "oh i was supposed to know all this stuff." but i actually liked the dynamic between that couple better and i'm suffering every day because the next one still doesn't come out til 2025 and i read it in 2022. also worth noting that this (the original series) is cops-ajacent (~federal special agents~) and one of the characters is really prejudiced at the beginning & imo doesn't have enough character growth before it's waved away but if you can ignore that it's really good. mysteries! werewolves!

-speaking of werewolves (i could suggest several but i'll keep it to two) tj klune's wolfsong ends up at the top of a lot of gay werewolf novel lists (i'm keeping tabs) and there's a good reason. i enjoyed it a lot. made me kind of sad which is always a good sign to me. the writing voice was very fresh and novel at first but i did find it a little grating by the end so i've put off starting the second book in the series (it's also about a different couple which was disappointing) but i will get around to it. i enjoy tj klune in general although his recent stuff has a very different vibe than this and lightning struck heart is very 2015 in a bad way imo

-bone rider by j fally is a standalone that really delighted me. the russian mob? aliens? vaguely western? possession? throuple? it's got it all. very fun

-ok speaking of westerns there's this other series called magic & steam (yes it's steampunk. sorry. it's very silly) that starts with the engineer. a federal agent is sent to a town to apprehend a ~madman engineer~ except he runs into an infamous outlaw in the process. and the outlaw is really sexy. and probably why i enjoyed the series so much. the series also keeps them apart a lot in a way that i enjoy- i love when things take a long time. it's ongoing so this is another one that i keep checking for updates on

-i've read a lot of stuff by nr walker and they tend to be VERY hit or miss for me but one of my faves is evolved which is almost pure smut. it's about a sex robot that gains sentience. what more do i need to say. she also wrote a three-book series about an amnesiac that made me cry cry cry. and her cowboy (australian rancher) series is pretty ok. i could go through a list and tell you which novels of hers aren't worth it and which ones are good; i've read most of them

-salt magic skin magic by lee welch was a big surprise to me. cool magic, good folklore, fairies in there too. historical. big kj charles vibes which makes sense bc she edited it. welch also wrote a book called seducing the sorcerer which i had more mixed feelings about but had magic in it that i think about OFTEN (the horses)- that one's about an imposing sorcerer and a rundown groom cum handyman. and they're in their FORTIES!!! 🥳🥳🥳 (i love when books are not about 23 year olds)

-another one with a magic system i enjoyed was magician by kl noone. this was the first book i read by this author and i liked it but generally i find their books are too "nice" for me. i'm in the middle of one right now that i started months and months ago that i keep trying to go back to and it's sooo rough for me. but this one and the twelfth enchantment are pretty ok

-emily tesh wrote a duology of silver in the wood and drowned country that i loved because i am suuuuch a sucker for a wild man/green man story. really good. haunting! evocative! kj charles has a green man story too which was actually the first thing i read of hers (spectred isle)

-i complained about the monsterfucker book i was reading a while back but despite that i will also recommend the series it's from: lily mayne's monstrous, which starts with soul eater. are they messy? yes. are they repetitive? yes. are the monsters usually disappointingly humanoid? yes. are a lot of them about the military? also yes. so we're starting off on a bad foot. but the world building is interesting and there's LOTS of kinds of monsters and most of them were pretty fun. the one i just read (#7) was the worst one of the bunch though imo. and i have problems with #6. but 1 2 and 5 were good

-ok i should do a quickfire round. honeytrap: about two enemy agents during the cold war. put it off for a long time bc i didn't love that but it takes place over a VERY long period of time which is always interesting to me. zero at the bone: about a hitman who needs to protect a witness to a mob hit. really strong start but fell off a bit in the middle to the end imo.

-you'll notice a lot of these have subgenres of like fantasy historical supernatural etc but here's some regular contemporaries. a lot of these are about sad guys bc those are my favorite. best laid plans: hardware store owner helps a guy fix his house. in the middle of somewhere: same author actually. guy moves to small town to work at a college. mr jingle bells: this is a christmas one. bad title. fake dating. part of the reason i think i liked it so much is because i expected it to be awful but it was actually pretty good. good emotional stakes. published 2021 but feels very 2014. ignore that part. work for it: i rated this five stars but actually don't remember much what it was like. i think they were both really sad which i love. give me big emotions and i eat them right up with a spoon. i should read it again

-OK now i've got some straight & lesbian options. talia hibbert's brown sisters series is good and cute. she also wrote work for it, above. the unhoneymooners is the first real Romance Novel that i read and it really surprised me because i had fun! previously i had kind of written off romance novels as not for me but this kicked off a reading habit that is still going strong (primarily reading romance novels). i read this in 2020 so it might not be as good as i remember. as for lesbian options olivia waite has a series that i enjoyed that's also historical, and a friend of mine really enjoyed delilah green doesn't care (but i haven't read that one myself). and while not really romances i will always be a sarah waters fan: you may recognize her as the author of fingersmith, which is the novel park chan-wook's movie the handmaiden is based on. if you haven't seen the movie or read the book i recommend both. her books are very dramatic lesbian historical fiction; they don't always have happy endings but they're all very good

ok i think that's the end! regular disclaimer that romance is generally not a genre notable for Good Writing so a lot of these are just things i had fun with or just stuck out in my memory for having fun conceits etc. i can't guarantee that any of these are actually good, especially because this is a list solely based on my own taste and bad memory. would love to hear anybody's thoughts and/or if anybody has recommendations for ME!!! this post took me over three hours to write! crazy!

[captainfairygodmother]

hiya! if you had to pick just one episode of torchwood to keep, the rest unwatchable ever again, which would it be?

(and also wondering how the next bad in your blood update is going, i think about it three times a day) (no pressure of course)

Hello!

Now that is a tough question... I mean, gun to my head and I have to pick? Just shoot me lol, I need to watch Torchwood.

I couldn't narrow it down to one, so I suppose it would be a coin toss between the two:

2×02 Sleeper: Ianto really woke up and chose violence in this episode, and I absolutely love it for that. Some of the quotes in this are just my favourite quotes ever, and I just quote them to my friends all of the time. There's also the added bonus of it's technical part two, the Serenity Big Finish Audio, which, naturally, is my favourite of the Big Finish Audios (slice of life, faked-marriage trope save me)

2×05 Adam: I genuinely cannot explain my obsession with this episode. Does it give me really bad second hand embarrassment? Yes, absolutely. Will I continue to rewatch it anyway? Yes. I just love the idea of a 'What if XYZ happened' (I also love 'Turn Left' in Doctor Who, apart from, y'know, the Rose telling Donna that Ianto and Gwen died part). It's a trope that I'll be writing into my actual book/TV Show (hoping to get it adapted, it was originally a TV Show but it's just easier to write it as a novel). Also, also, also; THE ANGST. THE ANGST IS JUST DELICIOUS. OWEN AS A SIMP? BRILLIANT, PEAK COMEDY. IANTO FINDING OUT AND GETTING MADE INTO A SERIAL KILLER? GIVE ME ALL THE ANGST. THE POWER OF GAY (JACK NOT BELIEVING IANTO DESPITE ALL EVIDENCE) SAVING THE DAY? YES PLEASE.

As for the next Bad In Your Blood update, I'm around 1k in and will be finishing writing it this morning. Apologies for not updating last Monday, I've had a busy few weeks lol.

Hoping to do a double update, so I might have a second update at some point this week!

Glad to hear that you think about it a lot, genuinely THE biggest compliment ever lmao, thank you!

[toritilla5]

What are your Jay and Cole headcanons anyways? I’ve been curious for a while but never got around to actually asking.

Love your stuff by the way!

tysm!!! i'm not entirely sure if you mean them singularly or if you mean bruise but im gonna ASSUME you mean their ship/duo ... i fear you've opened a can of worms you will never be able to close with this question. i have TOO MANY hcs.... here we go.. (im channelling my inner demons)

i'm giving both angst and non-angst...

whenever either of them get nightmares, they always go to the other's room - no knock, just climb into bed, no questions - and then they just hug it out. they talk if they need to but they just comfort each other the rest of the night :')

jay was so upset post-seabound and so distant, cole tried everything he could to not get jay to shut himself out from everyone. cole encouraged jay to talk about the alternate timeline with him (or at least most of it) and cole tried his best to stay calm or unphased bc he didn't wanna upset jay further but deep down he was PISSED off abt nadakhan

cole worries about jay an unusual amount (seen in the WotD novel) so he tries his absolute hardest to be gentle with jay if he's upset or in a bad mood or if there's smth really bothering him. he just hates the thought of jay not being happy ig :(

jay and cole dated between the end of s4 and pre-s6 (this hc comes and goes sometimes im like yeah could make sense and then other times im like hmm maybe not. but this is why we have h2h)

this is more abt their powers BUT one of my fave hcs is that since earth and lightning kinda go hand in hand in nature, that if jay is too charged up, cole can use his powers to cool him down a little. just like a simple hand on the shoulder or smth would do the trick

cole tells jay "i love you" all the time but jay thinks he means it in a friendly way so jay says it back but cole never corrects him :(

they're less close in the wildbrain seasons because cole confessed his feelings and distanced himself because he didn't want to make jay feel uncomfortable (jay did not feel uncomfortable)

jay and cole got in a fight sometime after s13 because cole was ditching him a lot/ignoring him/whatever to go off to shintaro and hang out with vania/the upply and jay got upset or jealous so they fought about it.. then cole went to shintaro for a few days to calm down because he thought jay was being unreasonable :( (they talked it out in the end tho) i think about this one. a. lot.

every time there's a new ice cream flavour at the ice cream place in the city, they both go together to try it out (one of them has a secret blog reviewing the flavours)

jay is the only one that knows cole is gay/lgbt because cole feels like he doesn't need to tell anyone BUT he wanted to be able to swoon over guys with someone and ofc that person had to be his best friend

one time jay was supposed to go to a dance lesson with nya but she had to go on a mission last minute SO jay begged cole to go with him :)

sort of similar to the last one.. jay was invited to a wedding (for his extended family who live nowhere near the city and dont really keep up with the news, aka they didnt know abt jaya) and nya was busy SO cole offered to be his 'date' but turns out jay begged cole to pretend to be dating at the wedding just to get jay's awful cousin off his back abt "dating someone" (i did write this once)

they went to a couples game night once as bffs and everyone around them got mad because they won (nothing can compare to bromance)

they would be THE most annoying couple. super chill and secretive in public but literally the most lovesick dudes on the planet when at the monastery or alone. so touchy and affectionate. you would literally want to krill them because theyre so annoying but so cute I HATE THEM i love them sm

jay was the reason cole realised he's lgbt

i have WAYYY too many to include here but these are just the ones i thought of off the top of my head :) thank you for asking !!!

[oldiesstationlover11607]

*In SpongeBob’s voice* 🧽Hi. How are ya?🧽

The amount of joy that surged through my body when I saw that the sponge was yellow is indescribable. Anyways, hi. What up? It’s me 💛, back at it again with another request! You went above and beyond with the last Torchbearer story btw! Like, honestly, novel worthy in my eyes. It was so good and the ANGST!!! And I like the cliffhanger ending. Gives you places to go if you so choose, but also can keep it just as a one part story and the reader can sort of extrapolate what happens next.

So, I come to you with a new request. It’s Josh (Josh-Josh this time. Not one of his incredibly neglected lore characters. Have no fear). Idk if this is too similar to something else you have written (disregard if it is), but I was wondering if you could write a fluffy one shot about the first time Josh introduces the reader (his girlfriend) to Tyler and Tyler makes it his mission to bring up any embarrassing story about Josh that he can just to mess with him. Josh gets all flustered and stuff, but the reader loves it. Idk. I just feel like Tyler would do something like that.

Tease - Josh Dun x Reader

Relationship: Josh × Reader + Tyler!!

Warnings: none - fluff

Word Count: 1056

A/N: HOPE YOU LIKE THIS!! I'm using it for bandito battle bc I love how it shows off their friendship and it's nice a short!

Josh had been raving about Tyler since the day we met and for a while I thought they were dating. He thought it was a good idea to disregard the fact Tyler had been married for a year and describe him as ‘handsome, talented, and the coolest person he’d ever met’. It wasn’t until we hung out at a local park that he confessed he liked me. I admitted I thought he was gay–let’s just say that was a fun conversation. We’d been dating for about a month when he deemed me worthy of meeting his lord and savior Tyler Joseph. We’d agreed to meet at a diner close to our house–some fake 50s themed place which Josh claimed had the best milkshakes despite the fact I was severely lactose intolerant. Josh had been jittery all day about this meeting. I caught him pacing in the kitchen at least three times, mumbling things like, “What if he says something stupid?” and “Maybe I should cancel.” But I reassured him with every step, telling him Tyler was probably just as excited to meet me as I was to meet him. We walked into the diner, the bell above the door chiming, and there he was—Tyler Joseph in the flesh, sitting in a booth with his arm draped over the backrest like he owned the place. He glanced up from the menu, a smirk already forming when he saw us approaching.

“Josh! Dude, finally!” Tyler stood and gave Josh a bro hug, patting him on the back with a little too much force. Then he turned to me, his smile widening. “You must be the famous girlfriend.”

I laughed. “Famous, huh? He’s been talking me up?”

“Non-stop,” Tyler replied, sliding back into the booth. 

“I’m assuming he’s told you I thought you two were dating?” I chuckled.

“Yup,” he laughed, “But don’t worry, I’ve got some even more embarrassing stories about him.”

Josh groaned, sitting beside me. “Ty, please, not today.”

Tyler gave him a mischievous look. “Remember that time at the festival, Josh? You were supposed to hop on our tour bus, but you got on the wrong one and ended up at a completely different venue. Man, that was priceless. We didn't even know you were missing until you sent that frantic text from some random band’s bus.”

I giggled, looking at Josh, who was already turning red. “Seriously?”

“It wasn’t that bad…” Josh muttered, avoiding eye contact.

“Oh, yes it was. You should’ve seen the look on his face when he realized. And have you seen that video of him in a blonde wig? He made it with some old friends on iMovie.” Tyler leaned in conspiratorially, eyes gleaming. 

“He didn’t.” I burst out laughing at that. “A blonde wig? Really?”

Josh buried his face in his hands, clearly embarrassed but smiling underneath it all. “Tyler, you’re killing me here.”

Tyler just grinned wider. “Hey, she needs to know the full Josh Dun experience.” Then he shot me a wink. “Trust me, it’s worth it.”

I could feel Josh squirming beside me, half-laughing, half-pleading with Tyler to stop. But the teasing wasn’t over yet.

Tyler leaned back, tapping his chin as if deep in thought. “Oh! How could I forget? The YouTube Bible readings! Have you seen them?”

Josh groaned louder this time, his head falling back against the booth in defeat. “No, Tyler, don’t.”

“What?” Tyler asked, feigning innocence. “I think they’re inspirational. You looked so serious, man, like you were auditioning for a role in a biblical drama. And that shaky camera work? A true classic.”

Josh peeked at me through his fingers, his face practically glowing red. “I swear they were for a good cause.”

I laughed, patting his arm. “I bet they were. We’ll have to check those out on movie night.”

Tyler’s grin turned devilish as he added, “I’ll send you the links. Honestly, it’s prime content.”

Josh let out a loud, exaggerated sigh, trying to hide his smile behind his hand. “Why did I bring you here again?”

“Because I’m your best friend and you love me,” Tyler said, not missing a beat. He took a sip from his milkshake, watching us with amusement. “You know, you got yourself a good one here,” he continued, looking at me now. “Josh has been over the moon since you guys started dating.”

Josh looked up, his cheeks still a bit pink, but his expression softened. “Well, I’m pretty lucky too.”

Tyler made a gagging motion. “Ugh, gross. But sweet. I’ll allow it.” He glanced at me again, a playful glint in his eyes. “Just make sure you remind him every now and then that he’s a dork, okay?”

I grinned. “Oh, don’t worry. I think I’ve got that covered.”

Josh chuckled, finally relaxing a bit as he reached for my hand under the table. “Yeah, she definitely does.”

Tyler clapped his hands together dramatically. “Alright, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s order some food.”

The rest of the night was filled with more jokes, teasing, and stories—this time with Josh doing his fair share of dishing it back to Tyler. But even through the laughter and light-hearted banter, I could see how much they cared for each other. Tyler's endless teasing was more than just poking fun at Josh—it was a way of showing just how close they were, how deep their bond went.

As we left the diner, Josh laced his fingers with mine, a soft smile playing on his lips. “That wasn’t so bad, right?”

I squeezed his hand. “Not bad at all. Actually, I think I love you a little more now.”

Josh raised an eyebrow, his smile growing. “Because Tyler embarrassed me?”

“Exactly.”

He shook his head, laughing as we headed toward the car. “Great. Remind me never to let you two gang up on me again.”

“No promises,” I said with a grin.

Tyler called out behind us, “Next time, I’ll bring the blonde wig and we can make a part two to that movie!”

Josh groaned, but I could tell he was happy. And as we drove home, I knew I’d just witnessed something special—this crazy, hilarious, wonderful friendship between two guys who would always have each other’s backs, no matter how many embarrassing stories they dragged up along the way.

//

REQUESTS OPEN

Tags for bandito battle:

@banditobattlemotherfuckers @the-paladin-gay

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER 10/5/2024: INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (1994)

I'm sorry, but this movie fucking sucks. I hadn't seen it in decades and I thought it was probably "OK"; I devoured the books as a kid and I didn't remember hating the film, but I should have realized that it was a red flag that I didn't love it. I have now discovered that it's bad enough that it failed to thrill me when I was a morose little horror dork who was really the target audience, and as an adult I can hardly stand it.

Daniel Molloy (Christian Slater, dressed up as Art Spiegelman for some reason) interviews for-realsies vampire Louis (Brad Pitt, still looking like he spends a lot of time in the sun) about life with his master Lestat (Tom Cruise, who knows why) and their eternally-childlike daughter Claudia (poor li'l Kirsten Dunst). Suddenly I feel like I don't know what to say about this, as I'm writing, even though I enjoyed the book and also the superior-in-every-single-way TV show. You know. Louis is really sad about being a monster. Lestat is really happy about being a monster. Claudia is really mad about being a monster. They have interpersonal problems. Later they meet some other vampires, and have interpersonal problems with them. At the end Louis is angry with Daniel for not getting the point, but maybe neither did I.

To some degree the problems of the movie are the problems of the book, but on the page they're basically forgivable for various reasons. I'm probably not going to refresh my memory, but as I recall Anne Rise has a way of really drawing you into her world, which is so literally-sensational that it makes up for her boy-crazy humorlessness. Everybody basically has one characteristic, outlined above, but the visceral pleasure of the prose takes over--and to be totally fair, it was novel at the time. It was the vampire story we had all been waiting to hear. (Ok, so the book is from 1978 but it still felt fresh in 1994) But when you port all that to the screen and leave the telling to these actors who are almost universally miscast, it all just lies there, dead.

I thought my hesitation about rewatching this was related to my petty aversion to Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise specifically. I really don't enjoy either of them in general, and I also felt like they were profoundly wrong for the roles; neither of them could be less goth, less tortured, less otherworldly. It feels criminal to fill these classic queer outsider roles with alpha males who seem like they would have beaten up your weird gay friends in high school, and their performances are not remotely good enough to make up for this impression. Kirsten Dunst is perfectly awful but like...you just can't have a 12 year old playing a person who is any older than 12. It cannot work. It's not her fault, it's just a bad idea.

The only guy who is any good at all in this is Stephen Rea, a staple of director Neil Jordan's films, who I almost didn't even recognize because his Santiago is so uncanny and dynamic and fun despite having very little to do. I love the way his look references LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT, it made me wonder how much more could have been done by subtly comparing Rice's vampires with their cultural predecessors. Rea lights up every scene he's in because he's so mischievous and unpredictable, and he's also almost the only person with any standout stunts--which helps me segue into the other main gripe I had with this movie, that it is incredibly stiff and static. It's like a prison. Everyone is totally weighed down by their giant ridiculous wigs and seven layer costumes, so even though the movie is supposed to be all sensual and shit, it's like nobody can even move.

Dealing with INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE is making me realize that I'm not quite sure what I think about Neil Jordan. I have this kneejerk reaction that he is Great because THE CRYING GAME is such an institution, and MONA LISA is real good too, but I might have found all of his other movies kind of humorless and stiff and like, beautiful but not altogether meaningful. I really struggle with THE COMPANY OF WOLVES because of its terrific FX and handful of fun scenes, but there is something about it that fails to connect with me. Sometimes it's overly pretentious, I mean paralleling a maiden's coming of age with the blood on the white roses is like...pretty gross, dude. But overall there is something about it that just lacks substance, despite its relentless and oppressive Symbolism. It seems like this problem should have been smoothed out for INTERVIEW since it was shot from Anne Rice's own script, but according to me, it really does not work out.