#I'm so scared and confused all the time

[deeply-unserious-fellow]

Every journey ends where it started, but how true is that, really? How often do you end up in the same place you began? How long until you can't go back anymore?

Everything rots. Everything decays. And one day it'll all be gone. Your home, your family, your friends. I wish I could say it wouldn't. I wish I could say there are things that'll never change. But I can't without lying. Everything changes and it's scary and maybe that's okay.

And maybe it's hard to accept that it's okay. Maybe you end up kicking and screaming and punching and biting and still can't accept that it's fine. But it is. No matter how hard you fight to change the rate of change, you won't. So you'll just inevitably accept it. Acceptance is the last stage of grief, after all.

I'm still struggling to accept it. Everytime I try I feel as though I'm in danger, I'm exposing myself to the cruelty of the universe. So I kick! And I scream! And I punch and I bite but the universe doesn't care. One day I'll get too tired to fight, one day my stubborness will fade and I'll be willing to accept change and all the tragedy it comes with. Accept the fact that once something's gone you'll never get it back. But until then I will continue my pointless fight with fate, because when you're scared and confused it's so much easier to just lash out then to accept the truths that are frightening you.

I hope one day you'll be able to accept it. I hope one day I'll be able to accept it. But until then, don't let it get to you, okay? For my sake and yours.

[a2zillustration]

(It's ok Yurgir will respawn in Avernus)

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[starflungwaddledee]

this is a long shot and i'm sorry to ask, but if you don't mind, can mutuals (or contacts or regulars... just... this community) of mine who aren't jumping ship like... let me know? will any of us still be here? is it over? i'm trying to know if this really is it or what's... even happening. i hate to reassurance seek but i'm feeling pretty miserable and confused.

edit: felt like i was being really pitiful and fragile making this but everybody is being so nice to me and responding so patiently with all your thoughts and i'm in tears of gratitude thank you thank you thank you 💖

[gotyouanyway]

just had an airport experience so evil that i literally openly cried from like 10min after deplaning all the way through customs etc until halfway through the train ride back to the city 👍

[kimiko24]

autism really is a bitch huh

[zebratimw]

[thetardisisnotourdivision]

Hey did I ever tell y'all about the time I dreamed that I had a baby daughter called Ellie that began with my finding out I was pregnant and ended on like her third birthday?

I legitimately woke up thinking "I should go check on Ellie" and then realised she was never real and when I tell you I SOBBED. I've been haunted by an implacable sense of loss ever since. Did I travel to another dimension? Wtf happened because that was insane.

[skeletoninthemelonland]

cw // possible eyestrain

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Sound Sensitivity

[best-enemies]

I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:

(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)

[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]

Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)

Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.

[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]

(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)

(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)

LIKE!!!!!!!

Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.

[astriiformes]

In the absence of a distinct special interest right now my brain seems to have decided the next closest thing is an interest in academia, which as a burnt-out former gifted kid with a lot of school-related trauma I do not trust to be entirely healthy for me, and makes me suspicious. But it might actually be okay, because it's not manifesting as an obsession with academic performance this time? It's just me spending all my free time looking up reading lists and on various databases and requesting books from the university library, which are not, uh, inherently harmful.

"Nate that just sounds like being interested in school" Maybe so! But I cannot emphasize enough that I am very much still fighting my own brain to actually do my assignments and readings (if a little less than usual this semester, which is admittedly nice) and am reading papers entirely unrelated to any of my classes for funsies.

Maybe this is just what I'm like when my mental health isn't absolutely on fire, as has been the case for too much of my adult life, but for the aforementioned burnt-out former gifted kid reasons it's weirding me out a little. What do you mean I'm just having a fun chill time with this. Since when have I been able to do that?

[disposal-blueeee]

[buttercup-barf]

Under the cut are mostly self-insert doodles of decreasing quality. Again, not much directly tied to Team Fortress 2. Might as well toss these out while I have no access to my puter. Much yapping under the cut and in the tags incoming.

Another self-insert, this time less of a "here's me as a tenth class" and more of a "here's my game experiences translated into the class I would take the place of". The Cleaner. Although I guess they could still be wearing either suit. It doesn't matter that much.

That one Convict's Case taunt with Backup would be extremely funny, because the man would be on the verge of a breakdown (he does not want to go to jail so bad you have no idea). The second image- I owe no explanation. You know what I am. You see the pattern with my favourites.

The duality of the man. Resting face versus "just heard you express interest in religion/Russian folklore" face. He's not that hard to make friends with, when you pull him away from all the explosions.

Some doodles of trying to figure his face out. Unfortunately, the more I stare at him, the more I worry that he looks like A Certain Guy With The Last Name "Kazarin", and the fear of never being original in my life caught up to me.

Don't look at me, don't perceive me, I refuse to explain any of my actions to you.

[moonlights-shadow-warrior]

Me: Hey these things are causing issues and getting in the way of my everyday life. Do you know what's wrong?

Every medical professional @ me when my body does the Thing™️:

[sga-owns-my-soul]

crying at 7am bc your best friends are Science Brains and try to explain the Cool Concept of Dimensionality to you but you are Too Dumb To Understand

[fanvoidkeith]

me, helping out my mom at a bazaar, like i've done for years, attempting stuff while she walks around to take a break and maybe get some xmas gifts: *vibing enough that some people want to buy some things*

my mom, about half an hour later: *comes back to be the more charming of the two of us, because she has more experience being a salesperson and is not autistic*

the nice lady at the table next to us, talking to my mom: your boy did a good job while you were gone!

my brain, upon hearing that sentence come out of another person's mouth while i'm feeling somewhat dysphoric in my body today:

B O Y ! ! !

(good job!)

[muckmagister]

You get so many asks while I literally have to make a post "hey send me asks" to get any. So what I'm getting from this is that to receive asks you have to be a sub

oH you- i am nOT a sub, i am a switch at best, i'm soo sorry i can't get back at any of you over the fuckihsnsmdn internet, i hate this