#I'm so fucking tired of being isolated
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#awled ren vents#I don't want to blame anyone for this#god knows I have enough trouble talking about feeling bad in the first place#but I'm feeling isolated again#I don't- like- being the one to step up and organize things#especially when people won't work with me#I wanted to play phasmophobia around my birthday with my phasmo group#I asked when people were free and when they wanted to do it and got barely anything in return#and it just felt Bad#I haven't gone out aside from grocery shopping or going to see my mom in forever#and it's making a backslide in my progress#Sometimes I almost think I'll never actually get better#I'm practically housebound#I don't know anyone close enough aside from my dad to help#I don't HAVE Irl friends#every attempt to reach out to people I used to know falls through and it hurts#I'm so fucking tired of being isolated#I'm so fucking tired of bending over backwards for other people and being expected to front flip three times on top of it.#it just makes me feel shitty#and it takes everything I have not to just dump a whole paragraph of 'things that have made me feel bad' and leave#but the idea of hurting them makes me feel shittier#so I'm just- stewing#rotting#thinking maybe it would have been better if I'd never gotten out of that fucking house#maybe it would be better for everyone if I had just never gotten into that thing#and all other sorts of things spiraling the drain#At least I wouldn't be relegated to planning anymore#half of this doesn't make sense. I don't care anymore I don't think
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Me: Don't call other Jews "Nazis" please, this is a very basic ask.
Everyone on jumblr: Shut the fuck up you fucking Nazi! Enjoy being blocked.
#I'm so tired of being isolated#but I just refuse to keep my stupid mouth shut#HONESTLY THOUGH????#I truly fucking thought 'do not call Jews Nazis' was a basic enough point that other Jews would at least CONSIDER what I was saying
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Honestly? Be kinder to gross people. Be kind to people who pick their nose or their scabs and pimples, who fart a lot or have difficulty with hygiene, who cough loud and obnoxiously. Nose-picking is an incredibly difficult habit to break, same with skin-picking. People with gastrointestinal issues don't deserve your bullying just because you don't like the smell. People who have trouble showering don't deserve it either. People who are sick or have some sort of throat or sinus condition don't deserve to be mocked for the sounds they make. Your discomfort with someone else being gross is not their problem and it won't kill you to shut your mouth about it. Obviously people who are contagious should mask up and people picking their noses should wash their hands before touching stuff, that's not the point. The point is I'm sick of seeing "grossness" be constantly tied to morality. Humans are gross sometimes, get over it.
#yes this post is about me. do you know how fucking isolating it was to grow up being labelled a gross freak for habits and conditions I had#little to no control over? do you really get that?#I have a throat problem that makes me cough and hack and I get that it's annoying but I'm so incredibly tired of people mimicking and#mocking me for something I literally can't help doing#you think the noise annoys YOU?? Imagine how *I* feel! *I* have to live with it!!!#god. anyway.#body neutrality#I guess#kinda#idk how to tag this
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it's been a while since i've cried hard enough to have a headache but. sure got there today, babes!
#ghost speaks#personal#ripped my favorite tights i've had for 5+ years and can't replace#can't return my glasses#got ptsd triggered by going past my old church because i took a wrong turn because i was. crying about not being able to return my glasses#have been crying for a solid 40 minutes straight#am still incredibly aware of how isolated and lonely i am#my parents are on vacation so i won't see a friendly face or get a hug till sunday night at the earliest#just. doing BAD#(well. there is the faint hope that the office manager will take pity on me since her office literally cannot manufacture lenses#that will meet my needs)#(but considering i spent a lot of the last hour yelling and begging out loud trying to work out a maximally sympathetic pitch)#(and also dreading 1-2 years of not having transition lenses because theirs fuck with my color vision)#(i'm not sure the hope makes things. better?)#i am gonna. make hot chocolate because it sounds like a marginal improvement over crying without that#the last time i couldn't stand up or i'd start crying harder was yesterday but boy did i not miss it#i thought i might feel better in the morning. ha. ha ha. ha#(like i know this is temporary i'm just. i just. i am so tired and SO stupidly ridiculously incredibly upset)#(like my emotional equilibrium right now is. not)
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If you've never heard an LRAD go off in person, I *genuinely* do not want to hear your opinion about methods of resistance in the US.
#i'm so fucking sick#wifey and i are pretty sure we got COVID so we've been isolating and trying to stay well#this is now at least my 2nd infection though#and you can tell too#wifey has been having trouble keeping me fed and hydrated and CONSCIOUS because I'm so tired I can barely function#this is despite sleeping for 12 hrs a day the past two days#and being fully medicated (or as fully medicated as I can be)#and on top of that my hypotension has been acting up severely since getting sick and I can barely walk 10ft b4 losing consciousness#i've haven't started throwing up my food and water yet but I've come pretty close especially early in the morning#anyway the point is that I am like. visibly being hit with an autoimmune aggravator not just a normal cold#and unfortunately#I'm taking it harder this time than the last#wifey is doing okay and mostly experienced it as a headcold with severe fatigue#she's pretty much better now a week or so out from starting to show symptoms#we....don't like when she gets hit that hard tho because it usually means I'm about to get bodied#pattern is holding so far regrettably lmao#anyway#my point is that I'm sick and angry and grieving and I really want to hit something or set it on fire#but i can't because i can barely move or even stay awake#and this is literally all my personal hell#as a result i am finding that I have a uhhhhhhhhhh unreasonably low threshhold for irritation recently
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ppl really b acting as if there's only one specific ship that has weird shippers that will complain about ppl not shipping their otp. it's literally always the case you either get fucked over for liking a gay ship or for liking a straight ship or for liking a toxic ship or people just start going "oh there's nothing wrong with the ship but the shippers💀" and you don't fucking know what they're talking about. like can we all just chill. the weird shippers r everywhere it's called some ppl are assholes sometimes. it's not fandom specific
#it's like with the “x ship sent death threats to the author!”#first of all : proof?#second of all: I've heard this for multiple diff ships that is not new that is not exclusive to one fandom or one ship.#sometimes ppl in fandom r too invested and do stupid shit#god#I'm sorry I doomscrolled another Instagram reel comment section#it's just. I'm so tired of ppl talking about mha's fandom as if it's the worst thing of all time?#first of all no its not? fucking chill?#second of all. if the fandom is ruining the show for you then genuienly get off the internet#third. so sorry but half of the time when ppl say the mha fandom is awful they're either calling it cringe (fandom is always cringe get over#it it's ok) they're complaining about everything being gay (so you're a homophobe ok. literally what is wrong with making character queer#ON OUR OWN INTERPRETATIONS OF THE STORY. DUDE.#)#or theyre just.... picking up random shit thats been rumored to have happened or that's just an isolated thing that happens all the time in#every fandom (refer to my earlier points)#genuienly. if the fandom pisses you off that much. get off the internet . block the tags. like for your health.#it's so annoying to try and look at mha stuff or even TALK IRL#WITH PEOPLE WHO LIKE MHA#(i am not fucking with you this has happened)#and being told or reading that oh mha is fun but the fandom sucks :///#sorry you don't experience whimsy and are incapable of curating your own experience?#Jesus#(there's also the ppl who r like ugh mha is mid mha sucks in like comments of mha fan but like fuck these guys#you're entitled to your opinion I if you don't like mha that's fine I'm not going to throw eggs at you but like...#why do u feel the need 2 go into a comment section of stuff that is about mha to say that mha sucks actually and the author is bad and the#characters r badly written and blah blah blah. LEAVE ME ALONEEEE)#Anyway maybe one day I will finally leave Instagram but for now I can't bc fukcing. ppl r on there#mumblings//#rant
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hhhhhhhhhh being annoyed with someone and knowing you're in the wrong about it is the fucking worst
#i have a friend where every fucking time i talk to them i just hear about how bad their life is#'undergrad was so bad and it's so rough and my master's was so isolating'#'also i'm having a bad time and i'm still not over my toxic relationship that ended four years ago' like bro i do not care.#i stopped caring like a year and a half ago#and i know i'm being a bitch! i know it's callous and mean of me to be sitting here going 'goddamn man get the fuck over it'#'oh i lost so much time i could be better off in my career by now....' too bad!! the time is gone anyway!!! everyone progresses#at different rates!!!!!#it has already happened! it's over! it's done! it's time to pick yourself up and move on!#and i know i'm being mean!#i don't say these things out loud at all bc i know it's cruel but i have hit my limit!#i have played therapist with them for years now and i'm tired! i don't fucking care! get your shit together or shut up!!#again. i know i'm being a bitch. i know this! but goddamn. i'm so fucking tired.
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I feel like such a broken fucking person lol
I talked way too much in the tags don't read them
#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!!#been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust#i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short#i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways#i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc#we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk.#i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus#t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do#n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on#being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it#I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her#like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky#i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up#i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on#like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything#idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions#today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others#i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day#rAMbles
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every once in awhile i have a flashback so bad it triggers a seizure & nobody really knows why
#i am so fucking tired#and so fucking done#i would rather die than go in tomorrow but that's not an option anymore so fuck#the flashbacks have been constant for as long as i can remember but it's been awhile since they've been at this intensity for this long#i used to think i didn't have ptsd because i didn't have flashbacks until i learned that always feeling like it's happening again is indeed#a flashback#it's just not so isolated for me#so i'm like??? i should be able to deal with this. i'm used to it. pretty much every second of every day my body feels like i'm being#raped and tortured and beat and literally getting drilled in the bone i should be used to this#but it's so much it's so heavy there's no way out i cant do it#but i have to there's no other option except not get surgery which is not really an option :/#cause the pain from the bone is right where their cocks were 🙃 so that's been it's own special form of hell#and now i have to let someone cut me open there 🙃 and i cant be under general anesthesia 🙃#oh yeah and ITS EXAFTLY FUCKING LIKE THAT DOCTOR THAT ASSAULTED ME WHEN I WAS A FUCKING TODDLER COMING OUT OF SURGERY#fuck dude#sometimes i think maybe if it only happened once i'd be okay#ive lost track but i think we're up in triple digits at this point :/#not including the constant stuff in childhood#fuck no wonder i kept trying to kill myself jesus fucking christ#i'm so fucking scared#i'm so ready for all this to be over#it's been years of pain and this whole last month where it's become much more acute and all this visits and i cant take any more#we are at Capacity#we're splitting like hell already#fucking entire new subsystems fuck#fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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tfw it seems like your job genuinely couldn't care less about your wellbeing :)
#the first time i got covid was at my last job and after that i developed the immune suppression and chronic ear infections that have been#ruining me for the past 2 years#then yesterday we found out that the kid i sent home sick friday (who i spent most of the day 1-on-1 with bc they were miserable) tested#positive friday night. but they didn't have an official diagnosis so work refused to tell families there had been a close contact. then this#morning we hear that another of my kids and their parent both tested positive. but those were 'only' home tests so we weren't allowed to#tell families there had been yet another close contact. all of my kids today were boogery and coughing but they don't require test-to-stay#or any isolation for close contacts with 'mild' symptoms. so i have gotten to spend 3 days now with at least 2 positive infants. i'm still#not even fully over the mild cold and subsequent infection i got 2 weeks ago. i tested negative again last night but there's just no way i#actually won't get it even if my home tests say i'm negative.#this is the first week back to school for older siblings. and they didn't warn anyone about a close contact over the long weekend when#i'm sure a bunch of families had gatherings. i'm just so fucking pissed. why tf do you think we're still seeing this shit????#our policies at work are treating covid 'like any other mild illness' so not only are all of my classroom INFANTS all being exposed but also#me and my co-teacher!!! and they don't care at all!!!!!!! there is a solid chance that when i get it it'll be v e r y bad for me#but who gives a shit? i'm just another disabled pos who shouldn't be working if i can't risk getting sick. bc that's how life works right?#i don't have words to explain the level of rage i feel over all of this. i'm so fucking tired of it.#pretty sure i use a different tag every time but#covid#chronically ill#stochastic ramblings
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Oh hello 3am existential crisis. Haven't seen you around in a while...can't say I missed you.
#i don't understand how i can feel so alone and so isolated while also having a number of good friends#all of whom im a little in love with in different ways#how can you love so many people so much and still feel lonely?#is it because of all my friends only one is in brickspace and i rarely even get to see her?#i know my lack of physical contact is rather alarming (i get one or two hugs a month if I'm lucky.)#(and even casual non accidental touches are rare. i get maybe one of those a week.)#is that why i feel so alone and isolated? the lack of physical connection?#i wish i had a friend i could move in with. i wish loving people didn't hurt so much.#i wish i could believe the sentiment that all relationships are important and that platonic love isn't lesser than romantic just different#but ive yet to actually see that be true. i feel like ill never be someone's most important person. or even 6th most important.#im just so fucking tired#of everything.#is it me? am i off putting? do i do things unintentionally that keep people at a distance? what am i doing wrong? why can't I connect?#i KNOW im not broken for being autistic or ace or aro etc etc but fuck if I don't feel broken most of the time#fucking hell#definitely time for bed#i bet these feelings are being exacerbated by pmdd just like my fibro and my stomach and my sleep#doesn't make the feelings any less upsetting#fox thoughts#☉
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like i think that we really really really need to actually gain the social literacy and compassion to understand that. not tipping your server isn’t praxis, but the fact that it’s expected that the customer pay the wage of the server also doesn’t mean that the customer (often also stiffed and a victim of wage theft) isn’t obligated to do so, and that while this is within our own economic system a great injustice and act of violence that needs to be rectified, it is in fact not the greatest injustice in the world and seeing people comparing getting screamed at for war crimes to not being tipped demonstrates a drastic lack of any sense of proportion. this is me speaking as both a service worker and someone engaged in organizing. let me be absolutely clear that I am not saying that not tipping your server is praxis. if you are able to tip i think that you should. i also think that “it’s the social contract in america to tip your server” needs to be read as “the structure has been built so that resisting it is tantamount to being a class traitor, and there are no winners in this situation”. i make less than 1k a month. tipping at 15% is straight up not viable all of the time if i want to pay rent. that’s not praxis, that’s me trying to keep a roof over my head, same as the service worker who i can’t always tip. so much analysis of this matter on social media tends to boil down to brute utilitarianism that causes further fragementation among the working class, and not for unjust reasons.
but just as not tipping my server isn’t praxis, tipping my server also isn’t praxis. not because it doesn’t help the individual (it does) but because it functionally validates the extant system in which the customer directly pays the wages. especially in the digital age: whereas cash tips are often considered nontaxable income, digital tips are administered as directly taxable income by the employer. when tips are paid out as wages i think it’s a little unfair to consider them to be “gratuities”.
again: not tipping isn’t praxis, but i wonder often about how many people who parrot this point are engaged in labour organizing or support in any way other than tipping. everyone deserves to be paid for their labour. but likewise, putting the onus on the working class customer to do so doesn’t actually help anyone except for the employer.
if you’re getting pissed at other working-class people for not tipping high numbers, especially impoverished and/or marginalized people, i hope that you are also engaged in literally any form at all, no matter how intense or dedicated, to any kind of action or organization that supports increasing minimum wage and shifting this responsibility from the customer to the employer (i.e. working class to owning class).
#vent of sorts#i keep seeing that post about ''not tipping your server isn't praxis'' with the addition of#''i was a server who got yelled at by a european for being american at an american tourist memorial for 9/11 because of the iraq war''#and again i say this in a sense that isn't meant to diminish the legitimate trauma of service work#trauma in a very genuine sense#(brief reminder that this is what the term ''emotional labour'' was coined to describe is being expected to regulate and perform emotions#for your job but only being paid minimum wage because the only ''labour'' you're doing is physical/mental and keeping a smile while being#berated isn't ''labour'')#but without directly comparing and weighing traumas and experiences in order to invalidate another#i'm so tired of seeing ''not tipping your server doesn't help anyone'' specifically being backed up by the idea#that tipping and paying into the tipping model (no pun intended) is a morally neutral or net-positive action#without actually considering the widespread consequences of tipping culture as a whole on labour wages and employee rights#of course not tipping isn't going to solve anything#nothing is solved on an individualist level#but the idea that NOT tipping is a non-solution that individuals take#being refuted by the idea that tipping as a buffer that individuals engage in#rather than it leading into any discussion about organizing#is absolutely fucking infuriating#because believe me i WANT to tip servers i WANT to make sure that everyone is paid#but if i walk into a local brewpub and buy a beer at the isolated beer shop next door by a till worker i am prompted to tip as if it were#a full service establishment and transaction#and i think that is evidence enough that tipping is not a ''thank you'' to your server but rather the employer offloading the expectation#of paying their employees proper wages onto the customer#anyways as ever the solution isn't individual action but collective organizing and community support#if you're going to tip then tip in cash and if you're not going to tip then be as kind as possible#and if you're acting as if tipping your server is the ONLY morally correct action in this situation then please#look around at your local community organizations and labour organizations and housing organizations instead of yelling online at people#who often are not being paid enough to be able to pay rent let alone pay another person's wages#mutual aid is great and important but i straight up don't consider it ''mutual aid'' if it's filtered through an employer's income
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#can i be so fucking honest right now#being like the only one in my friend group who doesn't do or even want to try drugs is so fucking isolating#i don't even want to be around it but i can't fucking escape it#they're constantly getting high before or while we hang out and i'm so tired#like we planned to hang out this past weekend and of course i get there and one of them is high and all they wanted to do was sit and#quietly watch always sunny#like. thanks. i barely get to see you guys and the one night in like 3 months i do we don't even get to talk really. cool#and then their parents and parents' friends were smoking in the living room all night as well#and nobody thought to fucking warn me about this even though they know about my shit fuck brain#and then like. the other times when i've made plans with someone and they've bailed because they wanna go drink and get high#thanks i'm glad i'm so fucking boring to you#i don't get to go to a lot of get togethers anymore because they're full of drunk and/or high people#and i'm just. tired.#sick of my shitty fucking brain that doesn't let me chill#sick of feeling like i'm bringing people down and stopping them from having fun#because i don't want to spoil their fun. i want them to be happy#i just. idk. sometimes i really feel like they don't want to invite me out specifically because of this#like i miss out on so much because i have big anxiety about drugs#it's tiring and i'm tired and sad and angry at myself and. idk#today's been. a day i guess
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#i think one thing i really didn't prepare for w overnights is just how fucking lonely it is. like yeah 80% of the reason i took it was to#get away from customers but like. it worked. and the night shift team is v v small. there's only 4 of us and we've never been scheduled all#at once yet. and usually we're running around on completely opposite ends of the building going long periods of time without#radioing each other. and then i come home all amped up and the rest of my house is still asleep. and then when they wake up#it's just to get ready and go and we don't really have time to talk. and by the time they get back i'm sleeping#and it's my first night off and i can't fuck up my whole schedule i worked so hard to switch over to w them flipping me all over the place#so now i'm just like. sitting in the half light trying not to wake anybody up not doing anything. the only places near us open are#gas stations and i can't exactly loiter there and what would i do even if i could. and it's too cold to go for a walk or to the park#or something. and i feel like i haven't talked to another human being about something that wasn't related to work in years#and it's only been a week.#and we can listen to music or podcasts or something but our carts and machines are so loud you miss half of it. and we can't hold#super long conversations when we ARE in the same room for the same reasons. plus we all want to die so none of us feel like talking.#and just. im tired and lonely and want to sleep and im already regretting this but i'd feel bad for backing out now when they have so#few options and i volunteered for it in the first place#and then there's also like. even just doing my usual solitary thing at home feels so much more isolated bc there's not the noises#of other people existing nearby. the nearest signs of life are some coughing and then a car on the other side of the block#just. what am i even doing here.#tag ramble
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#l o l decided to go w my parents tuesday bc theyre going to see sibling#and apparently my dad approached mum and said he didnt want me to go w them bc they live w me and want one on one time w sibling#and then forced mum to tell me#so now i get to manage my own hurts and my parents fucking great#triggered my goldenchild/scapegoat trauma so now i get to fight through that and the hurt of 'we dont want you around' and the hurt of my#parents never spending deliberate time with me like they do and always have with my sister(which is the golden child thing i guess)#and also them neglecting my disabilities with the 'you can visit sibling another day just the two of you' shit#at least i told mum she's going to annoy me if she keeps apologising#shes not apologising bc she means it shes apologising bc she feels guilty and wants me to keep reassuring her#christ i'm tired#i wish i could move out#christ i wish i could afford to move to another state#ngl really didnt need this atm already dealing with RSD from a friend living in survival mode not being able to hang out and being more#isolated than usual#and my dads queerphobia getting worse and worse#if i didnt think sibling would also off themself if i did id be so fucking done
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I feel like. I need to actually Talk To Someone about the effects the last three years have had on my psyche, but the current prevailing attitude toward covid has reached the point that I'm afraid even a mental health professional would approach my current issues as solely a function of my pre-existing anxiety rather than acknowledge their completely valid and rational connection to the global trauma event we literally all fucking went through
#to say nothing of like. still going through it. surprise! I still don't want covid!#and the effect on my psyche of THAT being treated like completely irrational paranoia is pretty considerable too!!#I have been struggling with the conscious awareness that I'm isolating too much vs the STRONG drive to keep doing that#I feel out of touch with reality and unmoored from time upsettingly often#my physical health is in fucking shambles and a lot of my relationships feel weird and strained#none of these things are like... coincidental. you know?#but we've all collectively decided to Move On from 2020 and its (ONGOING!!) aftermath so!! fuck me I guess lol#I simply do not trust a therapist to be understanding ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I know that's pessimistic but I'm just fucking tired.#about me
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