#I'm so fed up I literally want to give up on education

[cafffeineconnoisseur]

Saas leti hu or ek paper leak ho jata hai

[ylmla]

⁠!! ☆ ghost, soap, price, gaz and könig being a father (gn reader, platonic hc, reader is a child, separate).

ghost

relaxed dad

you are literally a mini copy of him, like you both are when you are anywhere: 🕴️🕴️

he's also an angry and quite protective father, but, he doesn't get angry when it comes to you messing something up, he only becomes a beast if he knows some classmate of yours is bothering you or teasing you 😡😡

in general Simon is an amazing father, although he is a very busy man he tries his best to be present in your life, giving you paternal love and giving you a healthy education different from the one he had in childhood, he strives for you to have a healthy childhood <3

soap

playful father 😬😬

he keeps telling you jokes all the time and you're like: I'm trying to finish my homework now 🙄 (although most of the time you join him in the jokes

if you are introduced to 141, ghost will become your other dad, soap teaching you the pranks, Simon is there lecturing jhonny saying: "(y/n) are a just a kid, they will get hurt 🤦🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️"

ghost teaching you that you can't do such a thing because you might get hurt while soap tells you to do it cause it will be fun 🤪

soap: leave (y/n), life is only lived once!!!

ghost: THEY'RE GONNA FALL, JOHNNY 👿👿

price

hardworking dad.

he never thought about having children because of his work, it is difficult to balance personal life and work — until you're born and he forgets that.

you are definitely his world and he protects you from everything!!!

tells you bedtime stories

bad grades at school???? no problem! he pats you on the shoulder saying it's ok and you don't have to worry because you can make up the grade, and he helps you study, and when you make up the grade he praises you all proud of you <3

gaz

proud dad

you are best friends you always play video games together, watch movies, gaz literally turns into a child when he is with you.

usually draw, and you give him several drawings as gifts, but there's one in particular that is his favourite: a drawing that you and him drew together, he takes it everywhere, when gaz is on a mission he always checks to see if the drawing is still with him.

bro secret handshake 🤛😎

könig

doting dad

HE LITERALLY PRAISES YOU FOR ANY RIGHT THING YOU DO !!!!!!!!

you scored high on your exam? he's the happiest dad in the world

at first he was scared of you being scared of him, but even when he was wearing his army gear and mask he thought you would be scared, but you looked at him and said "why didn't you tell me you were a hero??😮"

he was more surprised than you by your unexpected reaction, so he just fed his big imagination (because he knows that a child's mind is very different from an adult's mind)

könig almost crying with emotion when you say you want to be a hero like him when you grow up 🤧

very short, if you want me to add anyone else ask me and I will do it.

[taradactylus]

Been off from tumblr a bit but I just wanna share my general thoughts about TSAMS, especially today's episode...

‼️Quick warning for suicide and self harm mention‼️

I feel betrayed. I legit cried. Out of embarassment, betrayal, and pure but well-reserved anger.

I'm not going to be quiet about how to show handled Sun's problem. Not one fucking media type ever dares to normally bring up suicidal problems, the people who suffer from this, the amount of kids and adults who DIE from such thoughts. This isn't about the overly edgy teenagers who want to normalize cutting yourself is okey and cool. This is about the people who suffered for months and years with such conditions while the world made fun of them or ignored their calls for help. Ignored the signs.

USA doesn't have much of a public transport where the show is going on. But here we do. And a lot of trains are late every day. Late for hours because of "mechanical issues". 8 out of 10 times the mechanical issue is a local kid who jumped front of the train. A teenager fed up with life. An adult who lost their way. An ederly too impatient for death.

I have waited months. Months. To see how Sun deals with it. A character I fell in love with not in a romantic sense, a character who shared way too many of my own problems from hallucinations from abuse till betrayal. A character who was pushed and pulled their entire life around people who slapped you then said they love you. I wanted to see how he heals out from it.

The signs were there. Everywhere. Sun said it out loud once that he at least fantasized about death. EVEN OLD MOON KNEW ABOUT THIS! He literally told New Moon Sun would be capable of doing it.

So why... why through Miku, the character used as the "weird fandom girl" symbol do they bring up such a delicate topic? A topic that is not delicate because you have to tip toe around the people who live with self destructive thoughts day and night, but delicate because it matters to be properly heard out AND NO ONE LISTENS!

Not one fucking media listens. A lot of us out there rely on fandoms. Stories we can escape to because the world never listens. And call me a self-projector all you want dear creators or whoever writes the story, but you either just pulled the cheapest and most dumbest way to close off a story line with solving Sun's problems off-screen, or you just legit don't give a fuck about people who "self-projected".

Honestly, what if I did? What if in a sense, I saw myself in Sun? A Sunshine of a character ruined and changed by the things that happened to him. Am I not allowed to relate to him? Am I an annoying "fan-girl" for caring about how he heals because I myself have no idea how to do it either? Or am I like Miku for hoping someone calls out on his behaviour because that's something I've wanted my entire life and never got?

And here I am, still somehow hoping Sun is lying. That he is in denial. That there is more to what was shown... but honestly? How long should I wait and hope while the character I started to like is now becoming a bit too toxic?

And with all due respect, I'm taking this episode personally. The creators watch the fandom. Probably have their secret accounts to see what the people theorize. And if Sun is not lying, and suicide is an annoying topic and we are self-projecting too much onto Sun, with all due respect, dear creators... grow the fuck up and educate yourself.

I don't need the world to pity my ass for having self-harming habits, wishing to die and even attempted suicide before (I'm getting my ass to therapy in the meantime so do not worry about me), but all I want from content creators to fucking educate themselfes before bringing up such topics. TO CARE A BIT MAYBE?!

I have survived my worst times, but not everyone does (it's not about who is weaker or stronger, only utter guilt held me back, without that I'd be long gone), andI want for those who has no help feel like they're heard and seen. Cause literally that's all itt takes sometimes to maybe save someone's life.

So yeah. I'm utterly disappointed in this episode. Not because I want the world to know that I'm suicidal and everyone should tip toe around me and "omg pls give me attention" ect ect ect...

Im disappointed because I had hopes for TSAMS to maybe, maybe be an example and bring this topic up normally for a change. But well... here goes my hope for an educational approach of suicide and self harm in a popular show.

[dandelion-wings]

Still thinking about this particular Gunnhildr family tonight, and I've had this scene floating around in my head for literal years by now, so:

---

It's been two hours, and Alba won't stop crying. Jean has fed her, and changed her nappies, and bounced her, and rocked her, and whispered soft soothing words even though she herself wants to scream just as loudly as her daughter. None of it works. She's been up since four this morning, and it's nearly eleven at night, and all she can do right now is sit on the chair in the nursery and stare at Alba's crib, where her daughter lies wailing, because Jean doesn't trust herself to hold her any longer.

How did her parents do this? How does anyone do this? Why did Mother take that trip to Liyue and abandon Alba to Jean, when she has no idea what to do?

That last is unfair. Her mother has affairs of her own (personal affairs, that Jean is carefully not thinking about in detail) that she deserves to be able to take care of without being weighed down by the task of watching her granddaughter. And Jean does know what to do; she's watched her mother carefully, and heard advice from her father and the sisters of the Church and half the knights of the Ordo. It's just that none of it is working.

Over Alba's wails, she doesn't hear Kaeya come up the hall until he's slipping into the room.

"There's my little Gunnhildr," Kaeya croons, sweeping Alba up out of the crib and bouncing her on his shoulder as he turns to Jean. "I would ask if she just woke up, but as you look like you haven't slept…."

"She's eaten, she's changed, and I've tried to put her down, but she's been crying like this for hours." Jean is ashamed to hear the frustration in her voice. "I even sent for Sister Jilliana, who said she isn't colicking or teething. I don't know what else to do."

"I'd say you should start by getting some sleep. I'll take her downstairs to the kitchen and see what I can do. If I'm lucky, I can calm her down, and if I'm not, at least your room should be quiet enough for you to get some sleep."

"You just came in-"

"And I can sleep in tomorrow. You have a morning meeting with Varka and the Inazuman delegation."

That she can't miss. That's been preying on Jean, too. It's why she nods miserably instead of arguing further, and leaves Kaeya to carry their daughter away while she makes her way to her bed.

As far across the house as Kaeya can get, she can, indeed, barely hear Alba's crying, muffled by floors and doors and walls. The sound is so faint she could almost imagine it an echo in her own head. Jean still hates to hear it; her daughter is upset, and she should know why and be able to fix it. That she couldn't makes her want to shrink with shame. With tomorrow's duties in mind, though, she lies back and tries to relax into sleep.

Gradually, Alba's wailing fades into silence. No--not silence. Snatches of sound still come from below, coming and going, but they're soft and slow. Jean, pulling herself up out of the unhappy half-sleep she'd been hovering in, listens more intently, her curiosity as strong as her relief. It's Kaeya, singing, the tune drifting in snatches up from below. The music itself is the simple strains of a lullaby, familiar in form even if she doesn't recognize the specifics of the song. The language… sounds almost hilichurlian, but it's softer around the edges, their choppy cadences smoothed out, words and phrases longer and more complex.

Jean has never heard Kaeya speak Khaenri'ahan before.

It isn't particularly beautiful singing. She had been enough of a singer as a child for her father to give her lessons, Barbara listening wide-eyed at her side. Diluc and Kaeya have a classical aristocratic education just as she does--maybe more so--but she doesn't recall either of them having any musical inclination. Kaeya's singing is inexpert, shifting in and out of key, and the eerie similarity to hilichurlian makes it seem even more inelegant despite the flourishes. But there's a gentleness in it that makes Jean want to cry.

She falls asleep, instead, lulled at last by the relief of silence and intermittent bars of Keaya's song.

Kaeya lets her sleep until only an hour before her meeting, and so Jean can do nothing more in the morning than thank him for the sleep and scold him for the late waking in the same sentence and glance into the nursery. Alba is asleep at last, and Jean isn't going to wake her up, so she foregoes a goodbye kiss and rushes to get to the Ordo in time.

Then her day turns into the usual routine of work, one meeting followed by another, interspersed with inspections and reports and a patrol of the guard stations around the city, because rumors have been floating around about Abyss Mages again. Kaeya arrives shortly after noon with the reassurance that he'd handed Alba off to her father and sets off on a brief mission with his company that keeps him past when Jean finishes with her day and goes up to the Cathedral to retrieve her daughter from her father and the sisters' doting care.

He catches up with her an hour or so after she gets home, managing to make it while dinner is still warm. Alba is fed and, thank Barbatos, happy, cooing in excitement when she sees Kaeya come through the door. After a few minutes of playing with her, he serves himself a plate of bolognese and runs through a brief overview of the mission as he eats. The description of one unfortunate knight managing to fall halfway off and tangle herself in her stirrup leather is likely exaggerated for effect, but Jean giggles anyway.

"And my official report will be on your desk when you get in tomorrow," he concludes, rising to rinse his plate. "Are you and Lisa still on for your date tonight?"

"I can stay home and let Lisa know I'm unavailable, if you'd like. I don't know how late Alba kept you up last night."

"No later than the trail I was hoping to pursue at the Cat's Tail would have if it had played out as I'd hoped." Kaeya shrugs. "I did get her to sleep eventually."

"I noticed. I heard you singing," Jean confesses. "That was Khaenri'ahan, wasn't it?"

Kaeya's cheeks go dusky. "You have good ears."

"If it was private, then I am sorry. I wasn't trying to overhear."

"No need to apologize. There's no reason for it to be private. I… don't speak the language often any more, but it's hardly a secret. Not to you." Kaeya is still blushing, not quite meeting her eye. It isn't the Khaenri'ahan he's embarrassed by, Jean realizes. It's the song.

"It sounded lovely," she offers him. "What is it about?"

The question only makes him even more reluctant to meet her eye, hesitating to answer. When he does, it's with a shrug and a sheepish chuckle. "Not to disappoint you, it isn't nearly as nice as the tune makes it sound. It's telling a child to be quiet and still, because if they make too much noise, or cause too much trouble… well. The riftwolves will come and carry their family off."

"Oh." Jean is embarrassed herself now for prying. "That isn't that strange, though, is it? Some of Mondstadt's nursery rhymes are just as unpleasant when you really listen to them. That one about the mockingbird is said to relate to a curse by an ancient witch, and the rhyme children sing in that circle game is about a plague in Decarabian's day."

"Huh. That's true." Kaeya looks over at Alba, who has wriggled partway under the table and is happily banging one toy against another. His blush has faded to a fond considering look. "There certainly aren't any riftwolves in Mondstadt to steal her away from us."

"No. And if they ever come, she'll have us to defend her. Lisa and Barbara, too, and Mother, and Father, and Grand Master Varka…."

"And no doubt half the Ordo as well. She doesn't need to fear anything, does she?" Kaeya sounds faintly wondering, as if this is a revelation that's only just occurred.

Jean is hardly going to remind him of all the things their daughter does need to fear, from falls down steps to clumsy drunks to Jean's own political enemies. She suspects she knows what that 'anything' encompasses for him, and she's as glad as he is that Alba is safe from the nightmares of his own childhood. Instead she comes to stand beside him, bumping his shoulder companionably as she watches Alba play.

He throws her a quick smile. "You're going to be late if you hang around any longer. I don't particularly want to face Lisa's wrath, so you'd better hurry up."

"Thank you," Jean tells him, bumping his shoulder again as she turns to go. She pauses in the doorway, glancing back once, and smiles to see him crouched down and carefully examining an offered toy. Then she heads out to meet with Lisa, leaving the two of them in the safest home she knows.

[therealslimshakespeare]

I'm going in!!

The woman who flopped on the bench opposite him, legs spread wide and boots braced with a brow like a thundercloud, was not Smith. And for that Cleven was relieved.

Literally this was the very start of the fic and it took me out. The way that Gale's mind immediately flashes to Smith when he sees Sanchez kills me

And Ida could fly a tin can on the fumes of an alcoholic's breath.

Love them aw. They're so important to me.

“Sanchez.” she repeated instead and was back to scowling at Buck.

She has literally already captured my heart I love her so much, grumpiness and all

Smart, and a worse worrier than himself. Cleven liked her immensely

“I’m not leavin’ this seat ‘till a Dulag takes you.” he told her, it was all he had to give.

Both of these lines are just so sweet. I know they went through something awful together and interacting might reopen all that trauma but I like to think there's mutual respect between them

Benny was almost to his feet when Cleven fetched him back with a grip of his own, sitting him down firmly.

BENNY HE'S SUCH A SWEET MAN I LOVE HIM

“That's a prisoner of war, not a woman.” He saw how little effect that had and added for benefit, “And your superiors are waiting for her.”

The way that Gale immediately tries to diffuse the situation because he knows how dangerous it is for them to see Sanchez as a woman and not a POW. Im crying

He really was thinking of Benny in those paces, hoping his co-pilot was ready -it didn’t occur to him even once that Demarco might be as fooled as these sick fucks around them

I love how you portrayed their relationship in this fic. The way they know each other so well.

“Smith,” he begged her, “Smith don’t fuckin’ give up on me now.”

HOW DARE YOU OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

Sanchez, her name was Sanchez, he reminded himself. And Smith was with Ida, probably throwing the ball at the flack house after making it back from Breman. She had to be. He didn’t want to live in a world where Lu felt what he felt now as the man shuddered inside him, used him like a skein, a shell, a vessel, hot breath stinging at his cuts.

I literally don't even have words. I cried actual tears when I read this. And the way he's later going to have to hear from her that it DID happen

Smith was screaming again.

OH MY GODDDDDDD

-but it was Benny, looking busted as hell but alive and holding onto him lest he jolt off the bench with the next pothole.

I can't stop thinking about when they put Gale back in that truck and the state he was in when Benny had to see him.

“Here, let me-“ Benny was already at it. Gale tugged his waistband down to assist, just enough to expose a sliver of pale hip and leaned a little over the table, there were bruises on his hipbones, he knew, but they could be from anything.

Ugh again Benny and Gale being so in tune and Benny being so kind hearted I love him

Lu glanced away from him only to watch these proceedings with something like fear and then she was looking back at him, a hesitant plea written on her face. He didn’t know she was scared of needles.

I don't know there's just something about this that like got me. It might be?? The way that he has this thought makes me think it's something he would know about her?? Which is so sweet

If Bucky were here he’d use all manner of crass slang and common vernacular phrases to jog the poor girl’s memory

Him thinking of Bucky in this moment makes me want to cryyyyyy

He hoped to God that Ida had used the word ‘intimate’ when educating Smith on these finer yet so utterly crude aspects of human interaction.

THEY ARE SO MOM AND DAD AND THIS IS SO SAD

Grueling as this conversation was, nerve wracking as her dense innocence could be, it fed that traitorous bit of hope he’d been harboring since he lost all hope for himself that she might’ve been alright.

The way he had this hope for her from the moment he was shot down Im dead

“I’m their officer, I should know these things.” she explained, lips going into a full tremble, all the harmless jokes of before suddenly not a bit funny

Gale would 100% be the type to not find any sort of amusement in the condom balloon incident anymore, now that he knows this is an insecurity of hers. I love this detail

“Oh Lu.” he muttered ineffectually, “C’mere.” and he had her hugged and cradled to his ratty jacket before his ingrained and temperate habits could interfere.

I've been waiting so long for this hug but now Im just crying

“Do you know, sir?” she asked again, harmless yet intent, “Did they hurt you that way too?”

Her being the empath of all empaths and putting these dots together kills me. I love how you said there's a flips-side to her being naive and innocent and its that she can ask questions that aren't "appropriate" but that should be able to be asked

if her kind self could be angry. He’d seen her get angry when someone kicked a dog once.

This is like again sort of similar to the "he didn't know she was scared of needles" because like HE KNOWS HER SO WELL?

“They’re never gonna do that again, Lu, never again. I’m gonna make sure of it. Bucky’ll make sure of it.” he swore, his voice gone so low it shook. “They hurt you other places?”

LITERALLY ALL OF THIS BUT ESPECIALLY HIM MENTIONING BUCKY AGAIN

she made a wounded noise when their chests collided despite the layers, but she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed back

Her bite oh my goshhhhhh. And the way that he's gonna have to hear about this too. And I just know he's the type to put the dots together about the weird tick she's developed (which again the fact that he notices im crying)

Also something about the "you don't need that" about the bicep shots and then the "did you wash these" and the following "good"?? Like hello?? We need to celebrate Gale Cleven on father's day

“So you’re gonna remember bedtime and what else?” Gale catchized her.

“Bedtime and that…you’re -right down there.”

Crying again! This whole fic was so incredible. I loved the relationship between Lu and Gale and the glimpses we got into Gale and Benny's friendship as well. Your way of writing these characters in such difficult situations and portraying both their pain and resilience is unmatched. Thank you for this it was so wonderful

Literally have tears streaming down my face.

For the fiftieth time I will say that quoting my work back to me is my love language. And how you’ve picked up on everything? The time you took to give your reaction to each specificity that I poured so much time over in crafting? I cannot thank you well enough, sweet friend. Thanks 🌹

[isleofdarkness]

Please please p l e a s e tell us about literally any of those people more in depth I am so so interested and like specifically evie I’m p l e a s e

So, Evie

(Warning for child sexual abuse (meant to "train her for marriage,") childhood sexual assault, attempted childhood sexual assault, child abuse, isolation, starvation, mother giving her daughter an eating disorder by body-shaming her and encouraging said eating disorder, victim blaming, slut shaming, slut shaming a victim, queerphobia, racism, ableism)

Evie lost weight after she was born. Grimhilde was critical of her appearance from the very beginning. She didn't want a "fat" baby and starved her newborn daughter to force her to slim down. Most children lose their baby fat at around two or three and some have it until they're school age. Evie was forced to lose hers at only a few weeks old. Even when her daughter had been starved into what Grimhilde felt was a proper body (emaciated,) she never fed Evie enough. She didn't want her daughter to get "fat" again.

This undernutrition- which has been a constant for Evie's entire life- has left Evie with so many problems. Evie is small considering how tall her parents are, standing at 5'3 (Grimhilde is 5'10 and Chernabog is 6'4) and she's clearly underdeveloped. The poor girl looks like she's thirteen without her makeup. Her bones are weak. She gets sick easily. She nearly died several times as a child from hypoglycemia. She has to carry sugar tablets because doctors can't yet tell if her pancreas will recover. She's on so many nutritional supplements. If she wasn't getting those, doctors are sure she wouldn't have made it even another two years. Deprivation of the nutrients and vitamins her body needed was doing damage to her organs, decreasing their ability to function.

To discourage her daughter from "cheating her diet" (trying to eat enough for her body to function,) Grimhilde taught her calorie counting from a very young age. She would give Evie clothes she knew would be too small and acted as though the clothes didn't fit because her daughter needed to lose weight. When Evie dropped weight she couldn't afford to lose, Grimhilde praised her. That was the only time Evie ever got praise, and she was desperate for it. She would refuse to eat anything for days just to see her mother's smile of approval.

And the homeschooling Evie grew up with... well, let's just say she had a very unusual education. While her mother taught her history and royalty stuff, that was the closest she came to teaching Evie a normal curriculum. Evie was taught to read, but just barely. The second she could read, Grimhilde moved on rather than continued to nurture the skill. She taught Evie basic addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, but only the basics- not even teaching her daughter how to do multiple operations in the same equation, not even trying to teach multiplying and dividing with numbers larger than twelve. Most of Evie's education would be household chores, homekeeping, beauty, the "right way" to act and look to attract and keep a prince, and how to raise children. Oh, and one more thing.

Grimhilde made sure her daughter knew how to sexually attract and please men.

When Evie turned six, her mother started her on potions that would keep her from getting pregnant, then (I have been trying to find a way to word this gently for hours but I can't, so I'm just gonna say it) let a few of her guards rape her daughter while Grimhilde lectured her about everything she was doing "wrong." Despite the circumstances, Evie was forced to play along and do what her mother told her to do just to get it over with.

Her bedroom, which had once been her beloved refuge, had become a place she couldn't stand due to all of the horrific memories made in that room. She soon found solace in the castle's overgrown gardens, where she could hide away from her mother, the guards, and the entire world.

That garden was where she first met Malcolm.

She was in the garden one morning when she was seven when, without any warning, a boy with blue hair baseball-slid through a tiny gap in the bushes. Before she could even think of screaming- who would help her, anyway?- Malcolm quickly covered her mouth and pulled her behind an overgrown rose bush.

"I swear I'm not gonna do anything, but-"

"Where are you?"

Evie felt the boy go completely stiff, breath coming far too quickly but with practiced silence- who even developed the skill to hyperventilate silently? It was clear he was afraid of the old-sounding woman who seemed to be looking for him. Evie briefly considered trying to call out to her in case the boy was dangerous, but she didn't. Somehow, she knew he wasn't. He was terrified, shaking and tense, the same kind of terror Evie felt when her mother was angry.

The next five minutes were some of the longest of Evie's life as the two hid behind the bush, waiting for the woman to give up or search somewhere else, praying she wouldn't think he had gone into the garden. Malcolm finally let her go when the woman's voice had gotten decently far away, but he didn't relax until she was well out of earshot. He took several deep, shaking breaths once the danger had passed, rocking slightly and reaching up to his buzzed hair, moving his hand as if trying to run his fingers through long hair he didn't have and cursing when he realized.

"I'm sorry," He whispered once he'd mostly calmed himself down. "For... kinda kidnapping you. If Mother Mim had found me, she woulda killed you as collateral. I didn't know anyone was in the garden, I swear."

"You're hiding from your mother?" This is the first person outside of her palace that she's ever met, and he's a boy her age with dark blue hair who's hiding from his mother. He was so much like her that it was hard to be mad at him. And how could she be afraid of someone just like her, especially when she'd just watched him openly have a panic attack in front of a stranger.

"Yeah. Do you have a knife?"

Pardon? That was definitely not how she expected the conversation to progress. "No? Why do you need a knife?"

When his blue eyes finally meet hers, he suddenly looks so much older. In her moments of vulnerability, when she dared look in her cracked mirror, she knew her eyes could look like that. "If Mother Mim finds me again, I'm not going back. I want a knife so I can cut my throat."

Well.

"I know where I can get you a knife." She'd never felt that way with her mother, had never been so desperate to hide from her that she'd rather cut her throat than let her mother find her, but she'd definitely felt that way about her mother's guards. Still, she never would have acted on it. Whatever this boy had gone through had to have been worse than anything she could ever imagine. How could she complain when this boy was so desperate to escape that he would rather kill himself than be caught? (Malcolm doesn't like that she thought that. He'd had a shit life, sure, but at least Madam Mim didn't let the people torturing him use sexual violence. They're traumatized in different ways, but neither of them had it better or worse than the other. He doesn't want her to compare her trauma to what others have gone through, and he definitely doesn't want her thinking her trauma isn't bad because someone else has different trauma.)

She led him to the groundkeeper house, a small house on the property where someone had once lived and stored tools to care for the gardens. The person who had lived there was long gone, but their belongings remained and the house was still stable. A bed with dusty blankets, a kitchen with ancient cookware, and a garage full of tools that, while rusted, she knew from experience were still sharp. The small house even had running water. To her knowledge, she was the only one who knew of it. She was certainly the only one who ever had any reason to struggle through the overgrown plants to get to it.

To the first person her age she had ever met, she offered a house. She'd never seen anyone get so happy.

She didn't need to sneak him food, just told him where the edible plants were and helped him identify the ones that were poisonous. He taught himself how to use the old canning and preserves equipment, creating jams and the like for when winter came. There was sugar cane and maple trees in the garden, which helped. He even found a few different plants that he knew could be used to make flour (there was a book of plants and their uses in Grimhilde's library. Evie had snuck it to him.) He was absolutely thriving in the groundskeeper's house.

Evie would go out to visit him every chance she got. As he began to feel safer, his true personality showed. He was so happy, kind, and gentle, so unlike everyone else in Evie's life. He was a joy for her to be around. When she was with him, she could completely relax. For a few months, everything was starting to feel almost good.

And then everything came crashing down.

Even in her isolated garden, Evie was still on the Isle. When someone heard about a beautiful little girl who walked the isolated grounds of that palace completely alone, with no one around to protect her when she was too far away for anyone to hear her scream, he got interested. When he found out that the rumors were true, it didn't take him long to attack her.

Evie managed to drag herself to Malcolm afterwards, in too much pain to even crawl. Malcolm wrapped her injuries and helped her out of her shock, then let her sob for nearly an hour about what had happened. He wanted her to stay in the house, night having fallen, or at least walk her back to the palace, but she had to leave and he had to stay. If Grimhilde found that Evie had left her room, Evie would be punished. If she found out that Evie had left her room to spend time with a boy, she would be apoplectic. Evie had to get back to her room alone. She used salves her mother had taught her about to get rid of her bruises and speed to healing of where her skin had broken (while keeping the wounds from scarring,) and she pretended nothing had happened. She knew that he mother would be furious to learn about what the man in the garden had done to her.

Furious at Evie, of course. Not at the man for assaulting a little girl who wasn't even in her teenage years.

Evie was terrified to walk to see Malcolm but, as she did so nearly every day for nearly two weeks without issue, she slowly started to feel safer. She assumed her attack had just been a one-off thing.

She was wrong.

After she was attacked a second time, Malcolm secretly started following her through the garden, hiding in the overgrowth. The third time that man appeared, Malcolm was ready. He tried, he really did, but he wasn't an excellent fighter. The man was far bigger than a seven-year-old boy and far stronger. Evie had tried to help Malcolm fight him off, but she didn't know how to fight. The man beat Malcolm until he could barely move, then assaulted Evie again. He made sure to threaten to assault Malcolm too if the boy ever got involved again. Malcolm didn't care, but Evie did. She begged him to never interfere again.

He did, of course, but the man wasn't able to make good on his threat. He didn't even get the chance to assault Evie. Because Agony Olympian had gotten involved.

The man was a known rapist and Agony had seen him going somewhere with a suspicious look in his eyes. It had set off alarm bells, so she had followed him. She got to the garden just in time to see him put Malcolm on the ground with a bone-breaking punch to his jaw and grab Evie by her wrists.

"Hey, dickhead." Never before had she been so happy she was half ghost. There was no entrance like her phasing through the bushes. "Let her go. I'm only gonna say it once."

He, of course, didn't listen to another seven-year-old. He tried to attack her, too, and quickly found out two things;

One, her left arm was metal and packed one hell of a punch.

Two, he really should have known better than to piss off a little girl nicknamed Agony. The least he could have done was not backhand her and knock her sunglasses off of her face.

I think we all know how that ended.

Agony covered her eyes with her arm (she didn't want to just close them because that's less effective and she didn't want to hurt Evie or Malcolm) and tried to find her sunglasses, but she had no idea where they were and obviously couldn't see them. Evie saw them nearly a yard away (he slapped her that hard) and, even though she wasn't 100% sure why Agony needed them back on at sunset, she grabbed them and pressed them into Agony's hand.

Evie was, thankfully, not badly hurt, but Malcolm's jaw was cracked and he had a few busted ribs. They got him to the groundskeeper house and got him as fixed up as they could. Agony wanted to get him to Facilier's, but hearing that his mother was Madam Fucking Mim quickly changed her mind. She taught Evie how to diagnose, set, and tape broken ribs, then showed Evie how to feel the difference between a crack/fracture (Malcolm's jaw) and an actual break (his ribs.) Evie very quickly realized that Agony wasn't going to do "whatever that was" and hurt her or Malcolm. In fact, she wasn't going to hurt her or Malcolm at all.

Agony was the first girl her own age she had ever met. The first girl she'd ever been friends with- the second friend she'd ever had. Evie was absolutely thrilled.

Unfortunately, it didn't even take a full day for that one to come crashing down.

Evie woke the next morning to her mother calling her. When she went into the throne room, her heart stopped at the sight of the man who had been assaulting her. Her mother looked perfectly calm. Too calm. That look always meant danger.

"I've heard some very interesting things about you, my daughter. We need to talk."

Her slap sent Evie to the floor.

Evie dared not get up as Grimhilde screamed at her. She screamed about the company Evie was keeping, using every racist term towards Black people that she knew, calling Agony a cripple and Malcolm a retard (along with several other derogatory terms for people with Down Syndrome that I won't repeat,) insulting them based on their backgrounds (Agony's "whore mother" and calling Malcolm a slave because of his mother-) if there was a way Grimhilde could insult the two, she used it. She blamed Evie for her assault, shaming her for "being a cheap whore instead of a princess" and acting as though Evie had consensually had sex and hadn't been a child raped by an adult. She forced Evie to apologize to her, then forced her to apologize to the man who'd assaulted her for the "trouble she'd caused" and having people "hurt an innocent man."

That was the longest week of her life. Grimhilde forced her to stay in the guards' barracks for five days as punishment for being assaulted. She could barely move for three days after.

(Agony and Malcolm had very much realized that Evie hadn't come out of the palace in a while, but Malcolm wouldn't have been able to spring her even without broken ribs and Agony was busy because a Sanctum had been called and the person who was in her house was in such horrible shape that the Last Resort Kit came out to try to ease its suffering so that it could die not in extreme agony. Because it was Ace, it did the medically impossible and survived. But that's a story for another time.)

I am going to pause this post here because it is so long and I am so tired, but there is, of course, way more to the story.

[controversialhottakes]

#1 Good question. August told him Eric would still love him. And there was a deleted scene of Wille talking to Boris...

#2 August and Sara’s relationship started with bullying, continued with forced kisses and grounded on the betrayal of their families, on their tears and sufferings. It was doomed. Sara chose her brother and Simon

#3 It's not even confirmed if the school will really be closed - the principal was determined to fight.

#4 Wille is a teenager. He will finish education first and then decide what he wants to do. It's ok not to have a solid plan for the future at 17

#5 No. Who told you have to? After pointing a gun to August and beating him they had a group therapy. And also knowing that Eric also did something awful to August also helped. Wille just accepted the apology (but hardly forgave him completely) and decided to be civil around him, they didn't turn into besties.

Other questions are up to you to decide

I'm assuming this is a response to this post (which btw you could've just reblogged, was the anon really necessary?):

How does Wille feel about Erik now? Him throwing that snow globe away broke my heart. He didn't even hesitate or flinch, so clearly he doesn't feel bad about getting rid of something that his dead brother had given him and which meant so much to him for so long.

Why aren't Sara and August together? They seem to be very compatible and they deserve to be happy, so why can't she just give him a second chance? They're clearly still in love with each other, so why can't they at least try?

What happens after the break when Simon and Wille go to different schools?

What is Wille's plan if he wants to officially renounce his right to the throne? What is he going to do with his life? A (former) crown prince can hardly get a part-time job at a cafe. Is he going to be living off lånekassen (or whatever the Swedish equivalent is called) until he gets a degree and can find a more suitable job as a lawyer/banker/something in that vein? The boy doesn't know shit about budgeting which is the only way you can survive with no additional income other than the grant/loan. Is he going to write books about how bad the royal family is? That's the literal opposite of "private," he'd literally depend on media and public interest to survive. What is the plan??? Love's all well and good but it won't keep you fed, clothed, or put a roof over your head.

Am I really supposed to believe that Wille forgave August after threatening to shoot him not so long ago and being petty af just one episode earlier? Because he saw him cry and felt bad for him? Are you for real? I'm glad they talked it out but where did it come from???

What are they going to do about the class divide? Wille won't go from upper (literal royalty, it doesn't get any higher than that) to working class overnight (or ever, if you ask me, this isn't just about finances, etc.) and Simon is clearly very passionate about his current social position, I can't imagine him wanting to move anywhere beyond (lower?) middle class, so what's going to happen? Wille doesn't care but Simon does, so what is he supposed to do? Give up on his beliefs?

Is Felice going to just dump her friends and only hang out with Wilhelm, Simon, and Sara now?

There's probably more but I'm tired. We needed at least one more season. At the end of season 3, I ended up with more questions than I had when it started.

[commanderjuni]

[ OUTDATED ]🦋CHARACTER TALK | MESMER SRABBA

ok to anyone who knew laff for like. upwards of just a few days. IGNORE HER. HER NAME IS BENCHED FOR NOW. in her place i'd love to introduce.... drum roll please.....

MESMER SRABBA! (or well. personal story through living world season 2 srabba anyways)

as i mentioned in a previous few posts, srabba actually was an older character that has the prestige of being my FIRST toon i levelled, pain stakingly, bowls of apple sauce and crafting balls of bread dough and all, from level 1 to level 80. i remember trying to spec virtuoso on her, but for whatever reason not even i know i must've gotten fed up and deleted her

over time i was a little upset about that choice so i tried. MANY MANY MANY TIMES to remake srabba. she's been through

being made an inquest lab rat (failed)

being made a thief (not really a fail but she sure aint one now)

being made a thief. again. (i wanted a pink spectre. didn't work out.)

positive i made her a necromancer at least ONCE.

being made a ranger? i think?

and many few other attempts. but by some declaration of fate, srabba is back and here to stay as my mesmer and fated commander.

however, since i'm going through story in chronological order and haven't gotten past living world season 4, she very much so has some growing to do! (literally, kinda)

i've also picked and tossed a few things about laff out as to give myself some more creative freedom with srabba: i've realized recently i have this weird habit of constricting myself and forcing myself to go with the same idea, but for now i think it'd be better for me to just. do whatever! improv! toss things in and fish things out!

I'm mostly pulling elements from Laff's story, since she's kinda being repurposed into Srabba! Thus don't mind any parallels yaknow /lh

aaannnyway....

MAJOR RAMBLE BELOW THE CUT!! no spoilers whatsoever, but it's gonna be a long post x)

Srabba, during Personal Story, is about 13 years old. Like most asura her age, she is smart, crafty, and markedly intelligent. Before applying to the College of Dynamics in LWS1, Srabba is a ward of the Progeny Protective Service.

Her parents perished in the infamous Thaumanova Reactor meltdown when she was only four years old; Srabba only escaped after they had to yell and urge her to run away to safety with the masses fleeing to escape, which she did, and it is still something plaguing her to this very day.

Srabba not only faces the challenge of lacking a direct guardian to care for her, but also has to navigate the difficulties of being hard of hearing in a society that revolves around discussing and debating scientific theorems and gizmos… Which isn't exactly easy to do when you can't hear much below normal talking- and all the background noise: the buzzing and humming and clinking of asuran society- it makes it even harder to understand what someone is saying to her.

Srabba relies mostly on lip-reading and making educated guesses to understand what others are saying to her. Although she had experimented with hearing aids in her younger years, as she approached her teenage years, she grew less interested in the idea of being "dependent" on the creations of others.

Instead, she aspires to create her own hearing aid device to assist her. This challenging project is a main motivation for joining the College of Dynamics. She is eager to improve her creative thinking skills and enjoys the freedom of starting from nothing to bring her own ideas to life, which is quite different from the, in her humble opinion, dull livelihoods of Statics students who merely tweak existing designs.

In regards to her personality, Srabba is best described as the following:

Witty

Smug

Crafty

and Stubborn

Very, very, very stubborn. Srabba is a very independent person, who finds that despite not having a primary caregiver, she has strong footing when it comes to operating solo, and takes great pride in it.

... Perhaps too much pride.

Because of this, Srabba never has been the most inclined to working with others or, Eternal Alchemy forbid, collaboration. The idea of having to depend upon others is... a frankly scary thought, and one she doesn't like submitting herself to. If she can do it herself, she'll do it herself- no matter how long it'd take.

And the 'Mesmer' part of her name isn't just for show. Srabba is a certified, bonafide mesmer.

Her abilities sprung to life very recently, when she was about 11 years old. She's had only two whole years to really acclimate herself to the intricacies of mesmer magic, but she has a surprisingly great grasp at it. It may or may not have something to do with, oh, y'know... Being born on top of an Inquest lab experimenting with chaotic energy and all. It happens!

Srabba primarily follows the Chaos specialization. As the quote goes: "Where some see chaos, I see opportunity". Srabba views the tragedy of the Thaumanova Reactor as a unique proposition. Although the reactor exploded, it showed the potential using chaos energy actually had. It could transport people place to place, it could disorient and befuddle one's mind, and most important to Srabba: it could bend time and space.

Because of her close connection with chaos magic and energy, Srabba finds that among other factors, she'd fit in well in Dynamics. Her project aside, Srabba has a bright passion for studying chaos magic and energy, and seeks to be the "big leader" on the subject. She not only wants to know how to use it, but how to conserve it, and contain it, and master her own control of it so well, she could figure out how to either revert or lessen the damage in the Thaumanova wreckage.

As for Srabba's actual manipulation of mesmer magic, she's adept in confusing people: with or without actual conditions. She can be here, or she could suddenly be there. She could be right in front of you, or you could just be talking to a clone of herself and you wouldn't be too much the wiser unless you paid close attention. Her illusions are fueled by her innate psychic ability like most mesmer's, and her innate psychic ability is... frighteningly powerful for her age.

Let's be thankful she doesn't know too much about her potential at the moment.

Between the three signature mesmer masks, Srabba follows the Phantasm of Sorrow: she doesn't actually brandish this mask, but rather wears it on her face. Her sad, droopy eyes and thin-lipped frown and big, down-turned ears makes it easy to think she has something troubling her... But for all we know, she actually could be laughing in her head about how moronic some of her peers look. Nobody is the wiser to what goes on in her head, and she very much so likes it that way. It fuels her ego a little. (Light-hearted)

While she rarely finds herself in need of physical altercations, she always keeps two swords at the ready. She finds manipulating her magic through them surprisingly easy, and she is currently studying the art of mantras and phantasms. She especially hopes to start learning all the cool space and timey wimey magic, too.

She's a girl with a lot of plans, aspirations, and irons she wants to start putting in the furnace.

[tobiasdrake]

Villain Breakdown: Najma

Najma is a hard character to talk about because so much of her conflict is steeped in symbolism and parallels to a real-world event that I literally only learned about from this show. I was educated by the American public school system. I didn't even know Pakistan was a place that existed until my twenties.

As a symbol, there is a clear and unambiguous parallel that the show is drawing between the Clandestines involuntarily migrating to Earth and the Muslims involuntarily migrating to the newly formed state of Pakistan. But it's so heavily steeped in the history and culture of Pakistan that it's not something I'm super comfortable trying to analyze with my limited perspective. I see it. But I'm not really qualified to explain it.

As a character, there's something that's hilariously batshit about Najma. She acts with so much severity, intensity, and urgency. Leaping in the span of an afternoon from letting Kamala take the Bangle home to trying to murder Kamala for not turning over the Bangle RIGHT NOW. Murdering Aisha for the Bangle and casting Kamran to the wolves for his reluctance to kill everyone.

And then she flipflops and sacrifices herself for Kamran so easily. Kamala's like, "Have you tried caring about your son?" and BOOM, instant turnaround.

Her sacrifice would have been an easier sell for me if she'd been a more two-dimensional character. If she'd actually ever demonstrated any shades of caring about... Well, anyone, let alone Kamran. But she's such a one-dimensional card-carrying supervillain. The kind of entertaining scenery-chewing bad guy who fully knows that they're the villain of a superhero story and makes choices purely for maximized evilness. And that makes it really hard to believe she'd suddenly give up on going home and commit magic suicide for Kamran.

(I mean, it's implied that they can't get through the Rift; That going home isn't an option at all. But she blows that off and insists she's going to do it anyway seconds before her spontaneous change of heart.)

Najma's death reminds me a lot of Xu Wenwu from Shang-Chi. They're in much the same position. Faced with the horrifying revelation that the goal they've burned all their bridges to achieve was never what they wanted after all, they make a last second decision in their final moments to give their life for their son. They end their life not necessarily a good person - They'd probably do it all exactly the same given the opportunity - but doing one good thing with their dying breath.

But despite having much more time to tell her story, Najma's version of this comes across much weaker due to the choices made along the way. The decision to depict her as entirely evil in every possible regard where Wenwu's love for his family gave him nuance that fed into his sacrifice. And the decision to never truly confront her with the reality that what she's been chasing is a lie, making it questionable why she would suddenly turn her back on it.

Making either one of those choices differently could have sold it. If Najma blew off the horrifying truth but had a well-established love for her son, then we could have seen her voluntarily turn her back on her dream and give her life for his sake. Or if Najma was cruel and callous to her son but was forced to realize that she'd been chasing a lie all along, we could have seen her recalculate her values and have a startling revelation over the cruel sacrifices she's made to accomplish nothing.

But for a character who a) seemingly has zero compassion or love for her son and b) instantly rejects out-of-hand the idea that what she desires is not inches away from her face, I simply cannot fathom why she would do anything but go for it. Najma reaches her end with a level of nuance unearned by the rest of her journey.

[iamyelling]

i'm tired. finally home after work. annah decided to stay home today for secret reasons. she mentioned she was crying earlier. won't tell me what the fuck is going on with her and says i'm bullying her for asking her to tell me what is going on and she doesn't owe me anything and doesn't have to tell me anything and it's bullshit to ask and she shouldn't have to coach me and i say you could at least point me in a direction or tell me how you would like to be supported and she says no. i say well do you want me to talk to you or give you space and she says "I don't know".

really fucking fed up with this tbh. i'm expected to bend over backwards and care care care for her and whatever her mysterious feelings are . she constantly screams and punches and yells about no one caring about her or asking how she is and all these things but people literally are constantly asking and begging her to tell them and people are always trying to pull the teeth out but she is pushing everyone away all the time and shutting everyone out and shutting everything down and yet she expects us to keep doing it?? and she will randomly FLIP out about it - but that only ever comes up after a huge blow up due to me asking her to stop being shitty or me bringing up my own feelings. only then does it come up as a tactic for flipping it around and turning herself SOMEHOW into the victim. super funsies.

i'm so . just. she barely spoke to me yesterday. onn my BIRTHDAY. she didn't compliment me on how i looked or anything, didn't say anything nice, didn't say she loved me or even happy birthday (in person) or even touched me not even a pat on the god damn arm. so i'm thinking maybe TODAY maybe she's been home ALL day and she'll talk to me today. after all the stupid election news maybe she'll have SOMETHING to talk about. i get home. no. nothing. god . damn. nothing.

so i leave i go sit in the bed room (she is laying across the entire couch under her big puffer blanket). 5-10 minutes later she calls me out to say she has something to tell me. she tells me about some union apprenticeship rumor about how the classes structure / format / education is changing a bit in a way that sounds not so great. i ask how she's feeling about it. she struggles to answer the most basic of questions and seems irritated by my engagement. i just sit there stone faced. i wait. she tells me to fix the clock that hangs on the wall so i do it. i sit back down. i try again asking what is going on with her. then we have the above and she tells me to leave. so i leave again.

wonderful :)

[lettucedloophole]

Recently I realized that I might be a lesbian and not bi. I feel more at home with the lesbian lable, I literally consider it a very big part of my identity. But the thing that's stopping me is the terf ideology. I'm an ex terf and no matter how much I try I just can't seem to get those terf ideas out of my head. So whenever I try to call myself a lesbian there's always a little terf inside of my head calling me a fakebian (fake lesbian) and spewing other transphobic bs.

the first thing i can think to ask yourself is, why are you an ex-terf? did you just find it vaguely "toxic" and wanted to start being kinder to yourself or trans people? it is toxic, and wanting to be kinder to yourself or others isn't bad, but you can't rely on good vibes to sustain yourself. you have to deconstruct what you believed.

transphobia and transmisogyny are something ingrained not only in terf spaces but society from the moment you're born, so it follows that you'd have difficulty unpacking these things. but now that you've been in the deep end of transphobia, you can take that opportunity to dissect what exactly was so disturbing and wrong about those spaces. that reactionary voice in your head isn't something your stuck with, it's a result of ignorance and conditioning so educating yourself and pushing back against the narratives you've been fed will resolve it.

you should do this not only for trans women and other trans people but yourself. i'm not sure if you're tma or tme, or why exactly you feel like you're not a real lesbian, so i can't provide help on that specifically. terf spaces will definitely give you a lot of reasons to feel like you're an imposter to lesbianism, but you saying you feel more at home in lesbianism makes it sound like you're a lesbian to me. there's valid reasons to be protective of lesbianism but it needs to be balanced out or it quickly becomes reactionary. sexuality is just not a very concrete thing. these are all social constructs we're navigating and there's pros to being more open with identification just as there's cons.

i know that last bit is really vague lol, but i can't say i have much of a particular opinion on lesbian discourse or who can be a lesbian as a bi person. one thing i'll say is that i think deconstructing transphobic ideas can help with lesbian imposter syndrome- something a friend said that stuck with me is that she chose to be trans, so that's obviously pretty far removed from the narrative that transness is like, a medical condition you're born with or something. sexuality is not often viewed as an aspiration, but something you are. i think there could be a benefit to seeing it as both, however, and it could create more space for people who feel afraid that they're trespassing on lesbianism. i think as long as you're not dating cis men... ease up on yourself 🙏

[sweetiegirlsue]

diary entry 1 (10/07/23)

i was having the worst week, like the absolute worst week - mentally, physically, emotionally, work-wise. all of it. i felt alone, and hated it, but i also wanted to be alone bc i didn't want to see anyone, or moreover, anyone see me. to the point where i was wondering if i needed to be committed... like that bad. i was wondering why, and i thought maybe it was bc i saw my abuser last week (pure happenstance - that's a story in-and-of itself) for the first time in coming up on a year now, haven't even spoke to him since may. i thought he no longer lived here so i had this false sense of safety but i'll get more into that at a later date. not sure i'm ready to unpack that that trauma, but when i am.... buckle in.

anyways: felt like shit, ate like shit, didn't want to do shit. i was mean to the people i loved and i hated it but i didn't care to change? i was ugly. actually physically as well lol i didn't even care to get ready-ready except for one day out of the entire week. all of this to say... i thought it was because of him and i was losing my mind thinking i was like, broken for real. turns out i was freaking pms-ing. LMAO like seriously why does the bitchy PMS trope get more and more real with age (yes i am 26 yes i am decrepit).

but i feel like that was kind of a symptom of what i've been struggling with lately bc i'm realizing i've completely lost my sense of self. that being said, i'm actively on a journey to self discovery and strengthening my relationship with God. i'm trying to be more present, to stop my thoughts (especially negative ones) in their tracks (something i learned in "get out of your head" by jennie allen). its honestly helping at least a bit, which is what she says in the book - catching even just one negative thought, acknowledging where its coming from then giving it over to God, will change the trajectory of every other thought.

along with that, i'm keeping my social media usage to a record minimum - literally less than an hour a day across all platforms, which has also been very healing. i know its corny to talk about and it really does show my age, but i really feel like we do not need to be consuming the shit that is spoon-fed to us on a daily basis, constantly, on all these platforms. when i fully realized a lot of my thoughts were how i could tweet about something, or make a story about something, or an instagram post. like what the fuck? and for what? it's so nice being able to unplug and reframe my thinking. i've been doing good and i'm liking the breath of fresh air so far.

speaking of fresh air, what made me finally take the time to sit down and journal my thoughts (which is truly just a stream of consciousness) is when i realized what i'm doing at the current moment. i'm sitting on my couch with my patio door open welcoming the morning sun and autumn breeze, drinking coffee and watching netflix all cozy on a cool, fall morning. i'm texting a boy that i used to "date" in middle school and have had a few flings with throughout the years since.

back in middle school i remember around this time of year, sitting on the couch while my parents were at work and my brother was at a friends, watching netflix (and/or playing wii fit) and drinking coffee while texting specifically this boy. it's like i'm taken back to that exact time (except this time i'm indulging in a few joints lol). my inner child is feeling healed and this is the most at peace i've felt in a long time. i usually don't allow myself to rest, i guess i fell as though i don't deserve to (?), so it's nice feeling like i'm allowed to have this time to myself. s/o sex education season 4 <3

in conclusion, this is me documenting the jump start to my healing journey. my focus right now is catching negative thoughts and letting them go, and just being present in the real world. let this be your reminder to pause and actually smell the roses. like literally bend down, put the damn flower to your nose, and smell it when you see one. i'm talking to both me and you on that one.

i hope this is the first of many more diary entries, which i will sign off with the verse OTD:

show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:4-5)

[turnyourgays]

The Usher Foundation 3: Whips and Chains

Content warning for (very unrealistic, but still) child abuse mentions and general scary shit.

[Smartphone recorder chimes]

[Sound is muffled]

YVONNE: -e can't keep pretending like there's nothing wrong, Don.

ARCHIVIST: I'm just saying, it's not our business. He's probably just tired or something.

YVONNE: He's fucking drunk. You can smell it on him.

ARCHIVIST: He's getting his work done.

YVONNE: That's all that matters to you?

ARCHIVIST: [sigh]...what I mean is that he's functioning.

YVONNE: Logan needs help.

ARCHIVIST: Then go help.

[extended silence followed by footsteps and the creaking of a closing door]

[sound un-muffled as ARCHIVIST retrieves his smartphone from his pocket]

ARCHIVIST: Oh. It's already going. Guess I'll cut that part out later. [audible exhale]...Statement of Anna Vanberg, regarding her own monstrosity. Originally given December 28th, 2020 through e-mail to the Foundation. Audio recorded July 9th, 2022, by Donovan Ellis, Chief Experience Organizer at the Usher Foundation, Washington D.C. Statement begins.

--

First, let me tell you how I became a dominatrix.

Growing up, I had an enormous bed, and I literally lived in it. 24/7, I was hooked up to an IV that fed me a stimulant at 6 in the morning, and a sedative at 9 in the evening. Catheter. Bedpan. The only window was a skylight, and the room was soundproofed against the outside. The whole 9 yards of never, ever leaving the room. I was homeschooled, obviously, fed a steady stream of flashcards and books. I was taught math and science, but never literature, history, or art. I took tests that, looking back, were way above what anybody my age must've been doing. I remember trying to be a happy child, over and over again, but there was nothing to smile about. Success and failure were met with equal nothingness.

When I turned 13, they geared my education towards the medical. By 18, I had more than enough knowledge to go to medical school. How they got me into medical school is, to this day, a complete mystery. Regardless, I was enrolled in Harvard Medical.

And no, they didn't prepare me for going outside for the first time. They didn't prepare me for social interaction, or caring for myself, anything.

I struggled enormously. My eyes weren't even adjusted to seeing so many colors. I had almost zero musculature, and I was constantly shitting my dorm bed. My only redeeming quality was that my grades were good.

That's where the sad shit ends. I went to counseling at the recommendation of a professor, who noticed my complete abnormality. I gained weight, even made some friends. I got invited to a party, and that's where things got sexy. Never in my entire life had I even masturbated. Men, women, I needed them all, and I got them all. Sex was somewhere where conventional social skills were thrown away, and I was able to control people with it. They wanted me, and I made them work for it. Money, test scores, companionship, whatever I desired, I got in exchange for riding them and choking them.

Meanwhile, my parents never checked in on me. They paid my tuition from afar, but I didn't even have their number, so the pressure was off. I never became a doctor, I became a full-time dominatrix, operating out of my apartment in Boston.

I went on like that for years. Bliss. Absolute bliss. I tied my subs up like a spider traps flies in its web. I threatened them with knives and made them dance, strings around their necks and whatever parts they had between their legs. I'll be honest: I pushed a lot of boundaries. Made them do a lot of shit they would've been uncomfortable with had they been with any other domme. Not just in a fetishistic sense. I made them stretch their bodies, or put them in a trance with mere suggestion.

My life growing up became a blur, and I didn't give a shit about it anyway.

And then, like a thousand other stories told recently, COVID hit. I was truly alone for the first time since college. A lot of my subs wished me farewell - at least until the emergency ended - but a few others requested we do...socially distanced play.

It got freaky fast, and I'm not talking kinky. I'm telling you, they weren't just playing, I was controlling them. I'd move my finger and they'd raise their arm, I'd snap and they'd orgasm instantly. They couldn't even speak when I did this, not unless I made them. It stopped being sexy, and I just started doing it for kicks, and they kept coming back, begging me to do it again, no matter how terrified they looked afterwards.

They were addicted to me, and the feeling was mutual. I couldn't go a day without watching one of them squirm under my grasp, choke when I didn't let them breathe, sob and beg me to make it stop. I'd only respond by making them feel more pain. I'd fire their nerves, even sever them. Next day, they'd blow up my phone saying thank you.

One day, though, I didn't have any appointments. I was starving for it instantly. My skin was itchy. I was hungry no matter how much I ate. I was cold and shivering. I stared out my window, and saw him. A normal man, walking down the street, on the other side of the road. The way I felt...it was the same way I felt when I saw all those people at my first college party.

He snapped to attention, watching me through my window from across the street. I beckoned him to come forward, nearly drooling with hunger as he came closer and closer.

As he stepped into the street, a car struck him hard and fast, and I felt amazing. It was like an orgasm that lasted hours. It was a better fix than anything I'd experienced so far.

That was back in August. I can't even begin to tell you what I've done since then. I'm e-mailing you now because, well, first of all, I didn't know you guys were a thing until a few weeks ago. But I've felt this urge to tell you...I need to tell you.

You're reading this on July 9th, 2022.

--

Statement ends. I feel like I need to throw up.

[Smartphone recorder chimes]

...

[It chimes again]

I'm not bothering asking Yvonne and Logan to investigate this. Anna Vanberg is obviously a threat, and Logan particularly doesn't need that on his mind.

I'll ask the question Ms. Vanberg no doubt wants me to ask. How did she know? How could she possibly have known the exact date I'd be reading her statement? [sigh]...Recording ends.

[thelostgirl21]

Calling a small sandpiper or plover a "lark" is apparently a very British...

... and French Canadian thing to do! 😆

I'm French Canadian (from Montreal's GMA, in Quebec).

In French, as you've mentioned, a "sandpiper" is a "bécasseau"...

And a "lark" is an "alouette"...

And French Canadians willl also call the "bécasseau" (lark) an "alouette de mer" (sea lark).

So, if you ever hear a French Canadian tell you about the "sea lark", assume it's a sandpiper, not an "alouette"! 😆

Actually Quebecers and Acadians may literally call the sandpiper a "lark" without saying "sea" before it.

Kind of like the way we call our "merle d'Amérique" a "rouge-gorge", I suppose, when the "rouge-gorge" is a very different bird.

Why do we do this? I don't know!

We were colonized by British people after they won the war, so we're a weird French/British hybrid people that stubbornly decided to keep the language, but picked up on some of the quirks and habits of our British colonizers! 😆

And larks (alouettes, not bécasseaux) are vicious!!! Seriously, here in Quebec, if you have the bad luck of getting too close to one of their nests, and not get the fuck out of there as soon as they start singing, they will aggressively fight you!

They'll fly high, and dive right on you to drive you away!

They may not be called "knights" ("chevaliers") , but they will definitely fight you!

I'm currently trying to read about sandpipers (whose behavior I'm less familiar with), trying to see if they really are as aggressive and protective as larks are...

And apparently, female sandpipers are a bit bigger, stronger, and much more aggressive than their male counterparts.

Females will tend to start multiple nests with multiple partners (up to five) during one breeding season, and will be the ones to defend their nests with ground and aerial threat displays...

...while the males are the ones that will incubate the eggs and care for the youngs.

Occasionally, the female might choose one of those males as a primary "nesting" partner, and will be willing to help him out with the chicks at some point in the breeding season, though.

So, like the female sandpiper, Jaskier is a very "giving" individual that enjoys "nesting" a bit everywhere with many, many different people (but that may choose one of those partners as a primary nesting partner, and be willing to share more responsibilities with them than he usually would)...

But yeah, one female sandpiper typically "fights" and protects her nests (plural), while up to five sandpiper males will "stay home" to take care of the babies.

Oh! And they nest close to a body of water (thinking about Jaskier instinctively wanting to head to the coast, and get away with Geralt for a while... 😆).

Larks, however, appear to form bonded pairs for life, where the chicks are taken care of by both parents. And, when their nest is being threatened, they will fly silently several feet up into the sky, then fly in circles up there for several minutes while singing, until finally launching into aerial dives attacks! 😆

And, like the male sandpiper, he's this very caring and nurturing individual that's more of a lover than a fighter, and will make sure those he chooses to take responsibility for are well emotionally fed and cared for, give them baths, sing them lullabys, educate them on how to get by in the world and find what pleases them...

They also nest right on open ground, because they're hardcore birds like that! I mean, singing you their best rendition of "The Immigrant Song", before fucking you up if you don't get out of there, should be protection enough, right?

Very effective defense strategy.

I've also discovered that the Australian "magpie-lark" is neither a magpie, nor a lark...

And now, I can't help but wonder if they are called a "lark" because of their swooping habits.

Because, that's what larks do here in North America, they swoop down right at you!

They'll sing first as a warning, then they'll swoop!

I think "The Lark" works really well for Éile because of that.

First, you'll hear her song... then, she'll whoop your arse! 😆

Jaskier's just... nesting everywhere, and being everyone's "sandpiper dad friend" that will take the time to listen to them, offer advice, put them on the right path for them to get what they need most, and just nurture the best he sees in people.

And I was saying that he "emotionally feeds" people he cares for earlier, because I don't expect him to actually feed people when he can barely feed himself.

Actually, that's not 100% true, as he got people to start paying Geralt a fair wage for his services, among others.

And he'll try to help oppressed people move to a place where they'll be safer and not risk dying, and starving, and/or having their other most basic needs ignored and denied.

So, he can technically help those he cares about literally feed themselves, in a way.

But I wouldn't expect him to actually cook people food, given he struggles with identifying common table salt when he tastes it! 😆

Geralt seems to be into cooking and seemingly good at it, and Radovid has people cooking for him, so he's going to be fine and get fed no matter who he's staying with!

3x06 // the last wish // "extraordinary things"

[priceofblindeye]

The Riddler is an Alt Right terrorist!

POST SUMMARY AT THE VERY END for those who don't want to read all of this! Alt right terrorism is so deep rooted in white supremacy, racism, sexism, homophobia, and anything and everything that "endangers their traditional values", this entire claim is INCREDIBLY far off. Now that i've said that, I can reassure you guys that this is not going to be a post justifying Edward Nashtons behavior. This will also not be a post claiming that he is an alt right terrorist. I'm going to be discussing some information about Edward Nashton, quoting Matt Reeves, and explaining the depths of this character that must have been missed by the average viewer. Recently, on Tiktok, I've become more and more aware of judgement towards the people who claim they relate to the new Riddler. There's a lot of shame pushed onto those who could possibly empathize with this character. There are frequent comparisons to the very typical "joker guy" meme that blew up after a lot of toxic masculine batman fans had adopted the persona of the Joker and used their mental health issues as excuses for harmful behaviors. While I can already see a lot of romanticized red flags of Edward Nashton (stalking, non-con, dead dove fics, etc) this does not mean that Edward Nashton is canonically the scum of all characters and therefore means whoever likes him, is too. Maybe you guys should get some therapy though.. Let me start off by saying that Edward Nashton/The Riddler in the Batman 2022 is literally intended to be the opposite of the Batman. For those who don't know.. Edward Nashton was born into a family of lower class, this was only implied later on when he lives in an orphanage, because he was unfamiliar with the idea of having so much wealth. In the book, "Before the Batman", we learn that Edward Nashton used to look up to the Waynes, but eventually was very envious of them. He had to constantly walk by the portrait of Thomas, Martha, and Bruce. Wealthy people who'd never experienced any of the hardships he'd already faced by the age of no older than 12 years old. In the movie, we learn that the orphanage was overcrowded, thirty kids to a single room. This shouldn't be a surprise with how many men, women, and adults are likely murdered or die of poverty, illness, and neglect. When Edward mentions that in the winter it got so cold, the babies would die? How did this happen? The movie talks about how the Renewal fund was basically going to help support the city and those that need financial assistance. It could pay for Orphans schooling, the bills to maintain the orphanage, food and supplies, and even extra activities like giving those kids a genuine childhood. Yet all of the Mob, the GCPD, everyone took advantage of it. When Thomas Wayne died, the GCPD and Falcone took control and kept the money for themselves, because the money they made from illegal drug trade wasn't satisfying enough. When the Waynes had died, everyone forgot about the Renewal Funds purpose and the promise that Thomas Wayne intended to fulfill.. This made everyone blind to the reality that it was being misused. "At least the money makes it go down easy." For finances, Edward as a teenager had to bike all through Gotham City delivering food just to make money to support himself and go to college. Edward Nashton is HEAVILY autsitic/adhd implied. In "Before the Batman" it was confirmed Edward Nashton did not do well in school yet he was very smart. Most typically, people with learning disabilities like ADHD are very smart but do not do well in school because the american education system caters to neurotypical kids. This is why he turns to puzzles. Quoted by Paul Dano in one of his interviews, that the only validation and success he ever got was through solving things like riddles and puzzles. "The Riddler is a person who is fed up, he's done. He's probably blamed himself for a lot of the failings in his life. He sees that maybe it wasn't all his fault." Edward Nashton went to college, while Bruce Wayne traveled the world, going to college after college for a short amount of time

learning different things. This fueled Edwards hatred for Bruce, because he

had the wealth to just throw away to pay for full tuition, just to not stay for the entirety of them. Edward then moved on to begin working as a forensics accountant. For those who don't know, this job was taken on by Edward because he viewed it as solving a mystery. The job of a forensics accountant is to look into fraudulent charges, and other illegal acts involving money. This job was likely how he became more aware of the abuse of the Renewal Fund and followed the breadcrumb trails that unmasked what was really happening in the city. All this being said, there's no possible way you could say that you wouldn't be incredibly pissed at least, that your entire life was been screwed over because of some greedy adults who wanted the money that was meant for you and a lot of other kids. Especially not when you've witnessed this greed literally take the lives of kids who never had a chance given to them. There's a lot of trauma and mental illnesses that could be developed just looking at the surface level of the shit that Edward Nashton had to go through growing up. This in particular, fueled Edward Nashtons motives. The motives that prove he is not an alt right terrorist. Edward Nashton is the embodiment of a revenge arc similar to Cruella, Glass, or Terminal, but he goes too far and puts innocent lives in danger. The story of a person growing up in miserable conditions because of money, or lack of, because of rich mens greed, (implied) ableism, untreated mental illness, and the affects of trauma gained at a young age is absolutely a story that i'd expect people to enjoy and relate to. The line is drawn however, when Edward Nashton intends to kill Bella Real, and flood the city. This is the terrorism that is very much a toxic part of the character that is not okay to be romanticized. This is what a majority of people who call Edward Nashton an incel, or alt right terrorist seems to fear will be praised and romanticized. What he does is not racially motivated at all, nor is it ever meant to be an act on enforcing white supremacy ideology. Edward displays the ideology of a Left Extremist. This dramatically changes the character and affects what community he draws in. Edward Nashton appeals to the community most likely because majority know he's the product of a very damaging childhood. Especially in a time where money and the accumulation of wealth being hoarded by corrupt individuals has been so incredibly prominent and a leading cause of struggle in our real world. Allowing a very neurodivergent, queer implied character to be admired and embraced by a community cannot be harmful so long as there is no erasure of the wrongs he has done, just as embracing Darth Vader, Arthur Fleck, or Loki as a beloved villain. All of these villains have varying levels of realism to their methods and attacks they've done as the villains of their stories, just as Edward Nashton does. So where do these fans get the idea that Edward is an Alt right terrorist? Edward Nashton is a white, cisgender man. Because they see someone in a messy, small apartment who's mentally unwell, and using the internet to connect with other civilians to organize criminal activity, these fans might likely take those traits that we as a society see come from racist, privileged white men most often, and focus on those rather than the overall picture. However, there seem to be some misconceptions about him that should be addressed. 1. He is not from a privileged background, and he is implied to be disabled. Take with that what you will. I'll be making a MASSIVE post about my psychological analysis of Edward Nashton later. 2. I believe that because of the consistency that men are often excused after reacting or behaving violently over any small inconvenience in their life, this is what people are afraid of and therefore automatically view him the same as many of the men they've personally witnessed behave in such a way. What people are missing, is this behavior that Edward has shown is the product of enduring traumatizing hardships his entire life. The fear

that

men will completely misinterpret the character is valid. Any misinterpretation of the character at all is a valid reason of concern. 3. Edward Nashton has looked at and admired Batman, a vigilante who gets praise to some degree by brutally beating and attacking criminals. He's using fear to scare people out of the toxic, damaging, and ruthless methods they've picked up to survive living in Gotham City, a city that is not taken care of by the higher ups and political figures. The city that is run by a crime boss! Edward Nashton saw someone doing this, and was influenced by what he viewed as a hero, to go a step further and target the real problem. At the end of the day, Bruce Wayne was only hurting people who'd been given no other choice. Like Selina says, Bruce must have come from a wealthy background to believe that some people CHOSE to live a life of crime. He wasn't fixing the issue. Edward targeted the real criminals, gathered evidence, and then went a couple steps further than the Batman. That doesn't justify his actions, but it does show how much Bruce didn't know. After all, the biggest message from the movie was"don't idolize someone until you truly know and understand them." That being said, WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE ENJOY THE VILLAINS? Usually the people who enjoy villains are labelled as Villain Apologists! What is a villain apologist? A villain apologist is someone who excuses horrible behavior that villainous characters have done. In all honesty, fans of villainous characters are commonly mistaken as villain apologists. Most cases of villain apologists i’ve witnessed revolve around the Joker of all villains. He’s done almost every possible thing a bad guy could do, and a lot of very disgusting people often time idolize him. There's a real psychological study that I'm going to copy paste, and summarize, done by Science Connected Magazine that I think should be read! People care about their self-image and tend to see themselves in a positive way. Moreover, they try to avoid any negative associations that would damage their self-image. In this case, the researchers explored whether people favored villains as a safe way to explore darker traits or actions without fear of judgment. For example, Harry Potter quickly denied any similarity in personality traits with Lord Voldemort when Voldemort said that he and Harry were very much alike. In fact, people try to avoid any information that would jeopardize their positive image of themselves. But would it feel as threatening to be compared to a villain in a different universe, such as Magneto from X-Men?

The researchers predicted that story villains would provide an outlet to explore a darker version of themselves that would be immoral to act out in real life.

Fictional stories of villains may provide a safe haven for you to explore a darker side of your personality. This sense of safety may come from the fact that there is a psychological distancing between you and the villain. While you may fantasize about killing your bullies, you know you aren’t a murderer like the Joker. To test this idea, the researchers looked at whether people were still interested in villains when their sense of safety was threatened.

In a low-threat scenario, each participant was asked to rate their interest in a movie in a hypothetical situation where they would be watching it alone. The researchers compared their responses to their answers regarding a high-threat scenario; participants rated their interest in seeing the movie on a first date rather than alone. The researchers predicted that the context of watching the movie on a date would influence their choices in the next activity.

Next, the participants received a text message from a “close friend” with a screenshot of a movie and a message comparing the person with the movie villain. Afterward, the participants rated their interest in watching the movie with someone. The study revealed that the perceived higher threat of a first date made people less likely to choose the movie if the villain reminded someone else of them. Interestingly, people were more inclined to choose a movie that had a villain with a similar personality to their own if they were going to watch the movie by themselves. This study adds to earlier findings that people feel safe exploring villains that remind them of themselves, as long as it can be done privately." In summary, The Riddler and majority of villains will be looked at and likely empathized with because of the person looking at them! If a friend was connecting with Loki because of a terrible relationship with their family, their connection doesn't mean they'd stab their brother, betray you any chance they get, or try to destroy a whole planet. Look at it from a more empathetic stand point, as cringey as it may be for someone to really dislike a character. There should be no shame put on anyone who likes Edward Nashton or finds him fascinating. If someones love for the character concerns you, all you need to do is ask them how they view the character. If they praise his terrorist motives, then clearly they're someone to worry about. It's 2022, and we're just beginning to see the end of a pandemic that has torn down our mental health with a lot of traumatizing events. Many of us no longer have the ability to mask the traits of mental health issues, disabilities, and some have even discovered personality disorders. Connecting with a fictional character shouldn't be something that's frowned upon, unless that character was a literal n*zi, r*pist, or predator. If someone does not desire to associate with you because of the characters you enjoy, they're not worth keeping around. if you truly cannot accept that someone likes a character, then there's no need to enforce others to hold the same ideals, or make humiliating, shameful posts on social media normalizing bullying behavior. I've gone on long enough about this, and realized I have many articles I'm going to have to write to ensure this one isn't too long and spirals off on a bunch of different topics. SUMMARY!: Edward Nashton is a left extremist. He's incredibly traumatized, which explains why people may relate to him. Most typically, people who relate to villains with tragic backstories will relate due to their ability to see themselves, and to blur or ignore the evil behaviors the characters exhibit from pushing them away from the character or finding that their connection is worrisome, because it should be a given that the person would not mirror the characters toxic traits. It's best to acknowledge the flaws of a character, and to not erase them. Call someone out if they are showing toxic signs of connecting with a character. (Claiming they ARE the character, using the character to excuse harmful behavior, etc.) Thanks for coming to my TED Talk!

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Yes, it's definitely true that if you were taught a lot of bs/antisemitic ideas about Jews and Judaism through Xtianity growing up, you very much need to deconstruct those before converting.

Personally, I grew up in the church equivalent of a Reform shul (lefty Presbyterian) and so what I internalized was very much liberal Xtian misinformation/antisemitism. This meant that my community taught us on the one hand, that Jews should be respected and loved and not proselytized to (like all other religious minorities) but that they held backward beliefs and were effectively pre-Xtians. I was taught to be as wary of the social positions of Jews as I was of, say, Catholics - like sure, there were some cool individual people and you should approach everyone with respect, obvs - but like the institutions were definitely conservative. I was definitely taught that Jesus was a radical who shook things up in a good way, and his rebellions against Rome were effective and helpful. None of the antisemitism baked into or commonly read into the NT was unpacked or even discussed, except maybe the "Jews killed Jesus" libel - I'm pretty sure they told us that was exaggerated or basically an intra-Jewish argument at the time and not something to levy at modern Jews. I was taught that Pharisee = thing that doesn't exist anymore in any form, and good riddance (there's literally a song about this? That they taught to children?? Idk I learned it at Vacation Bible School 🙄 Edit: found it, acckh cringe) I was absolutely fed supercessionist ideas without any historical context. I didn't even realize that the Beit HaMikdash was THE Temple, rather than like, Jesus' home church lmao. You don't want to know what I was (and wasn't) taught about Israel.

The early things that I look back on now, as a Jewish adult, and see a spark of that neshama in are the fact that at five years old I argued with first my parents, then the Xtian Education director, then the pastor, about why we shouldn't be selling things at church if Jesus overturned the tables in his Temple. I remember being absolutely enamored by the Exodus story, and honestly preferred it to the NT stories. And the thing that I most see my adult self in, is the time in my confirmation classes that I kept the teachers after class for two hours just relentlessly demanding context about the Tanakh that they absolutely could not give me. They eventually told me that for that, I'd have to read the text in Hebrew and my immediate, unhesitating response was, "if that's so, then let's have at it. What are we waiting for and where do I sign up?" I was told that was too hard for civilians, but that I was welcome to go to seminary.

Turns out, the answer to "where do I sign up" is Judaism, lol. But I can never forget the feeling of this extreme absence in the NIV text, like I was trying to study Shakespeare based on someone's class notes without any of the original poetry or historical context.

Didn't help that I didn't know anyone who was [openly] Jewish and practicing growing up. I knew one Jewish girl who was a staunch atheist child of two atheists, one from a Jewish background and one from a Catholic background (her descriptors, not mine.) If there was anyone else, they didn't talk about it with me, and I honestly don't blame them at all.

As an adult, though, I went to college and somehow found myself suddenly friends with Jews, including one of my closest friends to this day. It was that friend in particular who helped me understand, identify, and unpack the antisemitism I'd grown up with. (In hindsight, the patience that must've taken - lord help me.) But I learned, and I listened.

It helped that I left Xtianity the first week I got to college. I went to one church - the one that I'd researched and seemed like it should be the best fit for me - and when I went in, it just felt wrong. Not because of the people or the space or the practice; that it was wrong for me. I was wrong there. So I left, and I never looked back. And over the years, I learned, and I unlearned.

I think the biggest a-ha! moment for me was when I really pinned down my bestie to ask about the "no proselytizing" Thing in Judaism. I remember asking, "okay but they [religious Jews] think they're right, don't they? That what they're doing and believe is true?" And ze was just like "....yes?" And so then I asked, " okay, so then why not share that with other people? Why hide the truth from the world if they believe it to be so?" And in that moment, suddenly my friend understood a critical misunderstanding of mine, and explained "Oh! Right. Yes, they believe that is the truth. But there are also other truths. Also, you don't have to be Jewish to be 100% good within Jewish tradition...." and explained the whole binding covenant vs. righteous gentile thing. And that was extremely eye-opening. From there, I started unraveling so many other Xtian ideas, that I eventually found myself on the road to conversion.

The thing that really tipped the balance, though, was actually hearing Torah read in Hebrew. I'd already fallen in love with the Jewish people, Jewish culture, and had dear Jewish friends. I had already become fiercely protective of Jews and was trying hard to become a better ally.

But when I heard Torah read - untranslated, unfiltered, real - something in me changed. I woke up.

The part of me that was desperate for the true meaning and context of Torah finally heard it - in the beginning of beginnings, as it were - and I fell in love with Torah as well. And that planted the seed that eventually led me here: home.

The conversion process is as much about UNlearning as learning!! As a convert, a lot of people come to conversion with a host of mental baggage that they've picked up from gentile backgrounds. Seeing people on that website who were raised xtian is so concerning to me because I generally find people with christian backgrounds much harder to talk to about judaism/my conversion because their own religion teaches extensively about jews and judaism in a way thats often deeply wrong. you can be very well-read and still have these beliefs, but a secular jew who knows very little torah would not, so in some ways unlearning defines a conversion more than learning does.

Sharing this in case any convert wants to share their own experience about this topic! Reading this was incredibly informative and interesting. It makes sense, having to deconstruct your Xtian background first before you can even touch Judaism.