#I'm so fed up I literally want to give up on education

[cafffeineconnoisseur]

Saas leti hu or ek paper leak ho jata hai

[wirewitchviolet]

That thing about 'the arc of history bending towards justice...'

I'm pretty sure I've gone on about this before, and I'm pretty sure I'm preaching to the choir, but I just had a well-intentioned acquaintance try to give an inspirational speech about American trans people's fears right now, and his heart was in the right place, but all his facts were wrong, in some really important ways. I feel like the perspective he has is the same one as... basically every decent person who isn't like, intimately familiar with WPATH, so please spread this around, and please if you only read one rambling history lesson from a trans person about the current state of things, make it this one.

So here's the big problem. Trans people get brought up in the mainstream media a LOT these days, but the framing is totally wrong. The impression people get is that there is presently a big push for new trans rights, where we want proper government recognition, and trans women in particular want to be able to use public women's restrooms, and play on girls-only sports teams, and a dozen other things. That is a lie you are being fed. These are all rights we ALREADY HAD, for decades. Possibly centuries depending what we're talking about specifically and where we're talking, even. The big issue right now is that a bunch of bigots just woke up one day about 10 years ago and decided that nothing else they were angling for was getting them anywhere with the general public, so hey let's make a boogieman out of this minority of a minority nobody knows the first thing about and act like all the horrors they're inflicting are just them enforcing some totally fictional status quo.

Speaking personally, I can say that The Trans Agenda in like 2014 was something like: 1- I'm gonna make a nice big pot of chili. 2- I'm gonna maybe replay some old video games from the '90s I haven't taken down off the shelf in a while. And OK maybe 3- It'd be cool if it weren't just the medical professionals who specifically specialize in trans stuff had enough of an education to know that when there's a difference in how a drug is going to effect men vs. women, it's for reasons directly tied to the levels of various hormones, or would at least trust their trans patients to know what we're talking about and not give us the wrong doses of things and maybe kill us as a result. And also like, treat us for regular things like broken arms (real example) without weirdly panicking about some prescription we're on they don't recognize.

There was absolutely not a point where some trans woman started petitioning the government or whatever to let her pee in a toilet with a little placard of a stick figure in a dress in front. We've just been doing that the whole time. Nobody's ever had a problem with that. You didn't know we were in there? OK. If I'm like at a restaurant and have to use the bathroom, I don't know how many of the other women in there have like, type O blood. I also don't care, and I think everyone would agree it was weird if I suddenly did care, and demand they post a guard out front asking to see driver's licenses. Just completely out of the blue some nutcases from the UK started foaming at the mouth and writing weird tabloid articles about their completely unfounded fears that... I don't even know. Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs might put on a wig and follow them into the bathroom, dose them with chloroform, and drag them to some basement dungeon through some series of secret passages or something.

This was based on literally nothing at all, to be clear. Like, people pushing for this went and did serious research for anything even anecdotal to back them up on this, and didn't actually find anything. Then they started walking into public restrooms with cameras throwing doors open on people and going "see? See? Some creep could totally do this if we don't ban trans people from using bathrooms!" And... somehow this got traction? I figure it's because coincidentally there was this whole other thing going where people were looking at how every building had equal numbers of men's and women's rooms and saying "you know, like, 90% of people who come in here are the same gender and we end up with really long lines, what if we just took the signs down and told everyone to just use whichever?" which... when it's happening at the same time Chicken Little is ranting and raving about the boogieman wearing a cheap wig, wires got crossed? And suddenly we've got waves of legislation passing all over about who's allowed to use what bathrooms with weird standards that'd involve like DNA tests to actually enforce properly. Absurd stuff.

Meanwhile, your average trans activist at the time was just like... sitting there eating a sandwich and going "huh, they're making a TV series based on Fargo? That's an odd thing to happen out of the blue. And yeah we started going "hey, what the hell?" when this stuff started passing because like... yeah that's what you do when you see an article in the local newspaper that says you can't go to the bathroom at work or whatever without swabbing your cheek and waiting for lab results for 3 weeks first or whatever.

Same deal with sports. Major sports organizations like the Olympics have been weirdly paranoid about men pretending to be women since 1950. And there have been, to the best of my ability to research... zero men who have actually done this. And while the weird standards used for this have been used to kick a good number of women out over the years, none of those women have been trans, for what that's worth. Really, the whole gender testing thing has only ever been used for horrifying stuff like forcing women to strip in front of random creeps, or let them do "invasive internal exams" and of course so many incidents where some woman who isn't white wins at something and people move the goalposts to in some way to get her specifically banned. You may be thinking, "wait didn't I just see a whole bunch of news coverage about someone getting banned after some gender testing thing? She was trans right?" No. You're thinking of Caster Semenya. She's a woman. A cis woman. F on her birth certificate, born with standard issue female genitals, has periods, all that. People are just being weird racists there and crossing the streams with random transphobia. That and just... half-reading stories and making stuff up.

To the best of my knowledge, the total count of trans athletes who have competed in the Olympics would actually be... three nonbinary people, who so far as I can tell all competed against people with the same gender they had on their birth certificates, nothing done medically, so, nobody should have any problem there. Caitlyn Jenner, who didn't come out as a woman until like... 40 years after competing, on the men's team, and Laurel Hubbard, the first and only trans woman to compete at the Olympics as a woman, who placed... dead last, flubbing all three of her lifts.

If we just look at sports in general, OK, there WAS one big famous where a trans woman wanted to compete in a major sporting event, was banned from it, took the organizers to court over it, and the eventual ruling was there was no reason at all she shouldn't be allowed to play against other women. Renée Richards. And this was all the way back in 1976. Nearly 50 years ago now.

And of course in more recent years, again, after a bunch of random bigots just completely out of the blue started losing their minds about trans people with no prompting and started lobbying for new laws banning us from all kinds of things nobody had had a problem with us doing forever, there was Mack Beggs, a trans guy, who was forced, by one of those aforementioned baffling reactionary new laws, to compete on his high school's girl's wrestling team. He didn't want to be there, they didn't want him to be there, but the law said hey, F on your birth certificate, we're classifying you as a girl despite how clearly wrong that is. And then there's been a bunch of other weird cases like that like one state banning trans girls from playing any sports with other girls which only affected one single girl in the entire state, who was playing lacrosse on a team that wouldn't have even existed if she hadn't personally organized it.

But the point here is, trans people aren't asking for anything here. We're just standing here, and people are flipping out and banning us from doing all these things without any prompting. And hell, I THINK this one got shot down in higher courts, but when Florida got the brain worms on this and started passing all the anti-trans legislation they could think of, they actually included a ban on us just standing there! The wording was something like (and I apologize that I can't find it, search engines are useless now), "if a child can potentially see someone who was assigned male at birth who is wearing women's clothes, it's considered sexual assault."

It's important to understand what's actually going on here, both because what's going on here is just plain terrifying, but also because there is this huge segment of the population who has this weird idea that people's rights only ever get better, there's just some weird arbitrary ratcheting where you have to take a number and get in line. Like, "hey, used to be only white men could vote, then eventually the Progress bar filled enough that we let white women start voting too. Then we had to wait for it to fill up again, hey, we're ending this whole segregation of black people thing. Gotta give it another 30 years or so to fill up, now hey, gay people can get married! Don't be impatient trans folks, you just need to stay in line and wait for it to fill again for your turn!"

That's not how anything has ever actually worked. It would frankly be absolutely insane if it actually did, but like, this is an idea people get in their heads because history textbooks really like to gloss over all the stuff that makes the country look pretty bad and promote this whole "stuff is just always getting better!" vibe. But no, sometimes, things just straight up get worse for people. Ten years ago I could go to the damn bathroom, I could have social media accounts, I could access all the medications I need to live, I could safely set foot in any given state in the country... at least if I kept some witnesses around at all times to verify I was not in fact hitting on my would-be murderer in any of the black states on this map.

The problem is NOT that with Trump in power, the pause button is getting hit on trans people climbing towards some state of finally getting to be regular people. We were (largely) already there, and there's been a huge push over the past decade to strip that away from us. And Trump plus the rest of the Republican party in general have made very specific promises to make that way worse real real soon, including several things that will straight up kill a ton of us.

Like, when I'm talking about losing access to necessary medical treatments, I'm not talking about "THE SURGERY" and magic pills that give you boobs or beards. A lot of trans people are trans because there's weird medical stuff that in addition to messing with what does and doesn't grow mess with things like whether your blood flows properly and whether various organs do what they should. Just one of those many things the average person doesn't know, because everything written about us is from deranged bigots making crap up.

[ylmla]

⁠!! ☆ ghost, soap, price, gaz and könig being a father (gn reader, platonic hc, reader is a child, separate).

ghost

relaxed dad

you are literally a mini copy of him, like you both are when you are anywhere: 🕴️🕴️

he's also an angry and quite protective father, but, he doesn't get angry when it comes to you messing something up, he only becomes a beast if he knows some classmate of yours is bothering you or teasing you 😡😡

in general Simon is an amazing father, although he is a very busy man he tries his best to be present in your life, giving you paternal love and giving you a healthy education different from the one he had in childhood, he strives for you to have a healthy childhood <3

soap

playful father 😬😬

he keeps telling you jokes all the time and you're like: I'm trying to finish my homework now 🙄 (although most of the time you join him in the jokes

if you are introduced to 141, ghost will become your other dad, soap teaching you the pranks, Simon is there lecturing jhonny saying: "(y/n) are a just a kid, they will get hurt 🤦🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️"

ghost teaching you that you can't do such a thing because you might get hurt while soap tells you to do it cause it will be fun 🤪

soap: leave (y/n), life is only lived once!!!

ghost: THEY'RE GONNA FALL, JOHNNY 👿👿

price

hardworking dad.

he never thought about having children because of his work, it is difficult to balance personal life and work — until you're born and he forgets that.

you are definitely his world and he protects you from everything!!!

tells you bedtime stories

bad grades at school???? no problem! he pats you on the shoulder saying it's ok and you don't have to worry because you can make up the grade, and he helps you study, and when you make up the grade he praises you all proud of you <3

gaz

proud dad

you are best friends you always play video games together, watch movies, gaz literally turns into a child when he is with you.

usually draw, and you give him several drawings as gifts, but there's one in particular that is his favourite: a drawing that you and him drew together, he takes it everywhere, when gaz is on a mission he always checks to see if the drawing is still with him.

bro secret handshake 🤛😎

könig

doting dad

HE LITERALLY PRAISES YOU FOR ANY RIGHT THING YOU DO !!!!!!!!

you scored high on your exam? he's the happiest dad in the world

at first he was scared of you being scared of him, but even when he was wearing his army gear and mask he thought you would be scared, but you looked at him and said "why didn't you tell me you were a hero??😮"

he was more surprised than you by your unexpected reaction, so he just fed his big imagination (because he knows that a child's mind is very different from an adult's mind)

könig almost crying with emotion when you say you want to be a hero like him when you grow up 🤧

very short, if you want me to add anyone else ask me and I will do it.

[ci0zi0]

You should read my other ramble before this :3

"I wish for all cookies to be happy!"

Hey so what if Shadow Milk Cookie wished the same thing

And everything Pure Vanilla is going through is literally a repeat of Shadow Milk

Wishes to bring positivity to the cookies that look up to him

Got an education with a friend (possibly)

Barer of the souljam

Both wield staffs / have eye motifs

Wise and knowledgable

Went to school (Student / Teacher)

Had to watch his friend convert to evil (White Lily) / Had to watch his friends convert to corruption (The Beasts)

Had to protect the ones they cared for

Lost the fight and disappeared (The Great Flour War?? Whatever it was called and the Ancients disappearing / The Beasts being sealed away)

Lies to keep the peace

The truth is more painful than fiction, causing them to descend into despair

Corruption due to not being able to fix the world around them and the knowledge becoming too much (Truthless Recluse / Shadow Milk becoming a beast)

Truth and Deceit, they both have it.

Pure Vanilla is truthful while hiding in lies, Shadow Milk is deceitful while hiding in truths.

Pure Vanilla's souljam also never changed hue compared to the other Ancients. You'd expect it to be yellow or something similiar to Pure Vanilla's natural color scheme. But no, it's blue. The only blue color on his palette.

Pure Vanilla has way too many similarities to Shadow Milk for it to be mere concidence..

Wonder if they were made by the same witch or baked with the same dough.. something that gives them this otherworldly connection beyond the souljam.

Shadow Milk probably was depressed at the start to learning his allies became Beasts (I'm sticking with "SM corrupted last")

His corruption being slow as he was trying to process the truth he discovered. Acting a bit like Truthless Recluse (?)

As time goes on, he let's himself get more freed by delusions and lies to the point where making people happy is fed only by those lies.

Pure Vanilla wants cookies happy too... Shadow Milk is a jester

Jesters entertain.

Who's to say if the corruption of Pure Vanilla doesn't get stopped, PV wouldn't become a jester in lies too?

He would. Because it's the only way to keep those around him oblivious from pain.

In the end, without the comfort of his friends, PV would become like SM.

But unlike Shadow Milk, that reality wouldn't come. Because there are cookies who didn't outright abandon him. And they will keep going to pull him out of the dark.

If Gingerbrave and co weren't here, I think Pure Vanilla definitely would end up like Shadow Milk. His friends are what split SM from PV.

With allies by his side, who wouldn't give up on him even though he fell to darkness, he would never fall to insanity.

Gingerbrave even yells it himself, he doubted that Pure Vanilla would ever be wicked. He had hope.

Pure Vanilla and Shadow Milk are one in the same, but their allies are not.

I still don't 100% know the lore on everything cookie run, but from what I do know, the similarities are crazy

[taradactylus]

Been off from tumblr a bit but I just wanna share my general thoughts about TSAMS, especially today's episode...

‼️Quick warning for suicide and self harm mention‼️

I feel betrayed. I legit cried. Out of embarassment, betrayal, and pure but well-reserved anger.

I'm not going to be quiet about how to show handled Sun's problem. Not one fucking media type ever dares to normally bring up suicidal problems, the people who suffer from this, the amount of kids and adults who DIE from such thoughts. This isn't about the overly edgy teenagers who want to normalize cutting yourself is okey and cool. This is about the people who suffered for months and years with such conditions while the world made fun of them or ignored their calls for help. Ignored the signs.

USA doesn't have much of a public transport where the show is going on. But here we do. And a lot of trains are late every day. Late for hours because of "mechanical issues". 8 out of 10 times the mechanical issue is a local kid who jumped front of the train. A teenager fed up with life. An adult who lost their way. An ederly too impatient for death.

I have waited months. Months. To see how Sun deals with it. A character I fell in love with not in a romantic sense, a character who shared way too many of my own problems from hallucinations from abuse till betrayal. A character who was pushed and pulled their entire life around people who slapped you then said they love you. I wanted to see how he heals out from it.

The signs were there. Everywhere. Sun said it out loud once that he at least fantasized about death. EVEN OLD MOON KNEW ABOUT THIS! He literally told New Moon Sun would be capable of doing it.

So why... why through Miku, the character used as the "weird fandom girl" symbol do they bring up such a delicate topic? A topic that is not delicate because you have to tip toe around the people who live with self destructive thoughts day and night, but delicate because it matters to be properly heard out AND NO ONE LISTENS!

Not one fucking media listens. A lot of us out there rely on fandoms. Stories we can escape to because the world never listens. And call me a self-projector all you want dear creators or whoever writes the story, but you either just pulled the cheapest and most dumbest way to close off a story line with solving Sun's problems off-screen, or you just legit don't give a fuck about people who "self-projected".

Honestly, what if I did? What if in a sense, I saw myself in Sun? A Sunshine of a character ruined and changed by the things that happened to him. Am I not allowed to relate to him? Am I an annoying "fan-girl" for caring about how he heals because I myself have no idea how to do it either? Or am I like Miku for hoping someone calls out on his behaviour because that's something I've wanted my entire life and never got?

And here I am, still somehow hoping Sun is lying. That he is in denial. That there is more to what was shown... but honestly? How long should I wait and hope while the character I started to like is now becoming a bit too toxic?

And with all due respect, I'm taking this episode personally. The creators watch the fandom. Probably have their secret accounts to see what the people theorize. And if Sun is not lying, and suicide is an annoying topic and we are self-projecting too much onto Sun, with all due respect, dear creators... grow the fuck up and educate yourself.

I don't need the world to pity my ass for having self-harming habits, wishing to die and even attempted suicide before (I'm getting my ass to therapy in the meantime so do not worry about me), but all I want from content creators to fucking educate themselfes before bringing up such topics. TO CARE A BIT MAYBE?!

I have survived my worst times, but not everyone does (it's not about who is weaker or stronger, only utter guilt held me back, without that I'd be long gone), andI want for those who has no help feel like they're heard and seen. Cause literally that's all itt takes sometimes to maybe save someone's life.

So yeah. I'm utterly disappointed in this episode. Not because I want the world to know that I'm suicidal and everyone should tip toe around me and "omg pls give me attention" ect ect ect...

Im disappointed because I had hopes for TSAMS to maybe, maybe be an example and bring this topic up normally for a change. But well... here goes my hope for an educational approach of suicide and self harm in a popular show.

[dandelion-wings]

Still thinking about this particular Gunnhildr family tonight, and I've had this scene floating around in my head for literal years by now, so:

---

It's been two hours, and Alba won't stop crying. Jean has fed her, and changed her nappies, and bounced her, and rocked her, and whispered soft soothing words even though she herself wants to scream just as loudly as her daughter. None of it works. She's been up since four this morning, and it's nearly eleven at night, and all she can do right now is sit on the chair in the nursery and stare at Alba's crib, where her daughter lies wailing, because Jean doesn't trust herself to hold her any longer.

How did her parents do this? How does anyone do this? Why did Mother take that trip to Liyue and abandon Alba to Jean, when she has no idea what to do?

That last is unfair. Her mother has affairs of her own (personal affairs, that Jean is carefully not thinking about in detail) that she deserves to be able to take care of without being weighed down by the task of watching her granddaughter. And Jean does know what to do; she's watched her mother carefully, and heard advice from her father and the sisters of the Church and half the knights of the Ordo. It's just that none of it is working.

Over Alba's wails, she doesn't hear Kaeya come up the hall until he's slipping into the room.

"There's my little Gunnhildr," Kaeya croons, sweeping Alba up out of the crib and bouncing her on his shoulder as he turns to Jean. "I would ask if she just woke up, but as you look like you haven't slept…."

"She's eaten, she's changed, and I've tried to put her down, but she's been crying like this for hours." Jean is ashamed to hear the frustration in her voice. "I even sent for Sister Jilliana, who said she isn't colicking or teething. I don't know what else to do."

"I'd say you should start by getting some sleep. I'll take her downstairs to the kitchen and see what I can do. If I'm lucky, I can calm her down, and if I'm not, at least your room should be quiet enough for you to get some sleep."

"You just came in-"

"And I can sleep in tomorrow. You have a morning meeting with Varka and the Inazuman delegation."

That she can't miss. That's been preying on Jean, too. It's why she nods miserably instead of arguing further, and leaves Kaeya to carry their daughter away while she makes her way to her bed.

As far across the house as Kaeya can get, she can, indeed, barely hear Alba's crying, muffled by floors and doors and walls. The sound is so faint she could almost imagine it an echo in her own head. Jean still hates to hear it; her daughter is upset, and she should know why and be able to fix it. That she couldn't makes her want to shrink with shame. With tomorrow's duties in mind, though, she lies back and tries to relax into sleep.

Gradually, Alba's wailing fades into silence. No--not silence. Snatches of sound still come from below, coming and going, but they're soft and slow. Jean, pulling herself up out of the unhappy half-sleep she'd been hovering in, listens more intently, her curiosity as strong as her relief. It's Kaeya, singing, the tune drifting in snatches up from below. The music itself is the simple strains of a lullaby, familiar in form even if she doesn't recognize the specifics of the song. The language… sounds almost hilichurlian, but it's softer around the edges, their choppy cadences smoothed out, words and phrases longer and more complex.

Jean has never heard Kaeya speak Khaenri'ahan before.

It isn't particularly beautiful singing. She had been enough of a singer as a child for her father to give her lessons, Barbara listening wide-eyed at her side. Diluc and Kaeya have a classical aristocratic education just as she does--maybe more so--but she doesn't recall either of them having any musical inclination. Kaeya's singing is inexpert, shifting in and out of key, and the eerie similarity to hilichurlian makes it seem even more inelegant despite the flourishes. But there's a gentleness in it that makes Jean want to cry.

She falls asleep, instead, lulled at last by the relief of silence and intermittent bars of Keaya's song.

Kaeya lets her sleep until only an hour before her meeting, and so Jean can do nothing more in the morning than thank him for the sleep and scold him for the late waking in the same sentence and glance into the nursery. Alba is asleep at last, and Jean isn't going to wake her up, so she foregoes a goodbye kiss and rushes to get to the Ordo in time.

Then her day turns into the usual routine of work, one meeting followed by another, interspersed with inspections and reports and a patrol of the guard stations around the city, because rumors have been floating around about Abyss Mages again. Kaeya arrives shortly after noon with the reassurance that he'd handed Alba off to her father and sets off on a brief mission with his company that keeps him past when Jean finishes with her day and goes up to the Cathedral to retrieve her daughter from her father and the sisters' doting care.

He catches up with her an hour or so after she gets home, managing to make it while dinner is still warm. Alba is fed and, thank Barbatos, happy, cooing in excitement when she sees Kaeya come through the door. After a few minutes of playing with her, he serves himself a plate of bolognese and runs through a brief overview of the mission as he eats. The description of one unfortunate knight managing to fall halfway off and tangle herself in her stirrup leather is likely exaggerated for effect, but Jean giggles anyway.

"And my official report will be on your desk when you get in tomorrow," he concludes, rising to rinse his plate. "Are you and Lisa still on for your date tonight?"

"I can stay home and let Lisa know I'm unavailable, if you'd like. I don't know how late Alba kept you up last night."

"No later than the trail I was hoping to pursue at the Cat's Tail would have if it had played out as I'd hoped." Kaeya shrugs. "I did get her to sleep eventually."

"I noticed. I heard you singing," Jean confesses. "That was Khaenri'ahan, wasn't it?"

Kaeya's cheeks go dusky. "You have good ears."

"If it was private, then I am sorry. I wasn't trying to overhear."

"No need to apologize. There's no reason for it to be private. I… don't speak the language often any more, but it's hardly a secret. Not to you." Kaeya is still blushing, not quite meeting her eye. It isn't the Khaenri'ahan he's embarrassed by, Jean realizes. It's the song.

"It sounded lovely," she offers him. "What is it about?"

The question only makes him even more reluctant to meet her eye, hesitating to answer. When he does, it's with a shrug and a sheepish chuckle. "Not to disappoint you, it isn't nearly as nice as the tune makes it sound. It's telling a child to be quiet and still, because if they make too much noise, or cause too much trouble… well. The riftwolves will come and carry their family off."

"Oh." Jean is embarrassed herself now for prying. "That isn't that strange, though, is it? Some of Mondstadt's nursery rhymes are just as unpleasant when you really listen to them. That one about the mockingbird is said to relate to a curse by an ancient witch, and the rhyme children sing in that circle game is about a plague in Decarabian's day."

"Huh. That's true." Kaeya looks over at Alba, who has wriggled partway under the table and is happily banging one toy against another. His blush has faded to a fond considering look. "There certainly aren't any riftwolves in Mondstadt to steal her away from us."

"No. And if they ever come, she'll have us to defend her. Lisa and Barbara, too, and Mother, and Father, and Grand Master Varka…."

"And no doubt half the Ordo as well. She doesn't need to fear anything, does she?" Kaeya sounds faintly wondering, as if this is a revelation that's only just occurred.

Jean is hardly going to remind him of all the things their daughter does need to fear, from falls down steps to clumsy drunks to Jean's own political enemies. She suspects she knows what that 'anything' encompasses for him, and she's as glad as he is that Alba is safe from the nightmares of his own childhood. Instead she comes to stand beside him, bumping his shoulder companionably as she watches Alba play.

He throws her a quick smile. "You're going to be late if you hang around any longer. I don't particularly want to face Lisa's wrath, so you'd better hurry up."

"Thank you," Jean tells him, bumping his shoulder again as she turns to go. She pauses in the doorway, glancing back once, and smiles to see him crouched down and carefully examining an offered toy. Then she heads out to meet with Lisa, leaving the two of them in the safest home she knows.

[therealslimshakespeare]

I'm going in!!

The woman who flopped on the bench opposite him, legs spread wide and boots braced with a brow like a thundercloud, was not Smith. And for that Cleven was relieved.

Literally this was the very start of the fic and it took me out. The way that Gale's mind immediately flashes to Smith when he sees Sanchez kills me

And Ida could fly a tin can on the fumes of an alcoholic's breath.

Love them aw. They're so important to me.

“Sanchez.” she repeated instead and was back to scowling at Buck.

She has literally already captured my heart I love her so much, grumpiness and all

Smart, and a worse worrier than himself. Cleven liked her immensely

“I’m not leavin’ this seat ‘till a Dulag takes you.” he told her, it was all he had to give.

Both of these lines are just so sweet. I know they went through something awful together and interacting might reopen all that trauma but I like to think there's mutual respect between them

Benny was almost to his feet when Cleven fetched him back with a grip of his own, sitting him down firmly.

BENNY HE'S SUCH A SWEET MAN I LOVE HIM

“That's a prisoner of war, not a woman.” He saw how little effect that had and added for benefit, “And your superiors are waiting for her.”

The way that Gale immediately tries to diffuse the situation because he knows how dangerous it is for them to see Sanchez as a woman and not a POW. Im crying

He really was thinking of Benny in those paces, hoping his co-pilot was ready -it didn’t occur to him even once that Demarco might be as fooled as these sick fucks around them

I love how you portrayed their relationship in this fic. The way they know each other so well.

“Smith,” he begged her, “Smith don’t fuckin’ give up on me now.”

HOW DARE YOU OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

Sanchez, her name was Sanchez, he reminded himself. And Smith was with Ida, probably throwing the ball at the flack house after making it back from Breman. She had to be. He didn’t want to live in a world where Lu felt what he felt now as the man shuddered inside him, used him like a skein, a shell, a vessel, hot breath stinging at his cuts.

I literally don't even have words. I cried actual tears when I read this. And the way he's later going to have to hear from her that it DID happen

Smith was screaming again.

OH MY GODDDDDDD

-but it was Benny, looking busted as hell but alive and holding onto him lest he jolt off the bench with the next pothole.

I can't stop thinking about when they put Gale back in that truck and the state he was in when Benny had to see him.

“Here, let me-“ Benny was already at it. Gale tugged his waistband down to assist, just enough to expose a sliver of pale hip and leaned a little over the table, there were bruises on his hipbones, he knew, but they could be from anything.

Ugh again Benny and Gale being so in tune and Benny being so kind hearted I love him

Lu glanced away from him only to watch these proceedings with something like fear and then she was looking back at him, a hesitant plea written on her face. He didn’t know she was scared of needles.

I don't know there's just something about this that like got me. It might be?? The way that he has this thought makes me think it's something he would know about her?? Which is so sweet

If Bucky were here he’d use all manner of crass slang and common vernacular phrases to jog the poor girl’s memory

Him thinking of Bucky in this moment makes me want to cryyyyyy

He hoped to God that Ida had used the word ‘intimate’ when educating Smith on these finer yet so utterly crude aspects of human interaction.

THEY ARE SO MOM AND DAD AND THIS IS SO SAD

Grueling as this conversation was, nerve wracking as her dense innocence could be, it fed that traitorous bit of hope he’d been harboring since he lost all hope for himself that she might’ve been alright.

The way he had this hope for her from the moment he was shot down Im dead

“I’m their officer, I should know these things.” she explained, lips going into a full tremble, all the harmless jokes of before suddenly not a bit funny

Gale would 100% be the type to not find any sort of amusement in the condom balloon incident anymore, now that he knows this is an insecurity of hers. I love this detail

“Oh Lu.” he muttered ineffectually, “C’mere.” and he had her hugged and cradled to his ratty jacket before his ingrained and temperate habits could interfere.

I've been waiting so long for this hug but now Im just crying

“Do you know, sir?” she asked again, harmless yet intent, “Did they hurt you that way too?”

Her being the empath of all empaths and putting these dots together kills me. I love how you said there's a flips-side to her being naive and innocent and its that she can ask questions that aren't "appropriate" but that should be able to be asked

if her kind self could be angry. He’d seen her get angry when someone kicked a dog once.

This is like again sort of similar to the "he didn't know she was scared of needles" because like HE KNOWS HER SO WELL?

“They’re never gonna do that again, Lu, never again. I’m gonna make sure of it. Bucky’ll make sure of it.” he swore, his voice gone so low it shook. “They hurt you other places?”

LITERALLY ALL OF THIS BUT ESPECIALLY HIM MENTIONING BUCKY AGAIN

she made a wounded noise when their chests collided despite the layers, but she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed back

Her bite oh my goshhhhhh. And the way that he's gonna have to hear about this too. And I just know he's the type to put the dots together about the weird tick she's developed (which again the fact that he notices im crying)

Also something about the "you don't need that" about the bicep shots and then the "did you wash these" and the following "good"?? Like hello?? We need to celebrate Gale Cleven on father's day

“So you’re gonna remember bedtime and what else?” Gale catchized her.

“Bedtime and that…you’re -right down there.”

Crying again! This whole fic was so incredible. I loved the relationship between Lu and Gale and the glimpses we got into Gale and Benny's friendship as well. Your way of writing these characters in such difficult situations and portraying both their pain and resilience is unmatched. Thank you for this it was so wonderful

Literally have tears streaming down my face.

For the fiftieth time I will say that quoting my work back to me is my love language. And how you’ve picked up on everything? The time you took to give your reaction to each specificity that I poured so much time over in crafting? I cannot thank you well enough, sweet friend. Thanks 🌹

[commanderjuni]

[ OUTDATED ]🦋CHARACTER TALK | MESMER SRABBA

ok to anyone who knew laff for like. upwards of just a few days. IGNORE HER. HER NAME IS BENCHED FOR NOW. in her place i'd love to introduce.... drum roll please.....

MESMER SRABBA! (or well. personal story through living world season 2 srabba anyways)

as i mentioned in a previous few posts, srabba actually was an older character that has the prestige of being my FIRST toon i levelled, pain stakingly, bowls of apple sauce and crafting balls of bread dough and all, from level 1 to level 80. i remember trying to spec virtuoso on her, but for whatever reason not even i know i must've gotten fed up and deleted her

over time i was a little upset about that choice so i tried. MANY MANY MANY TIMES to remake srabba. she's been through

being made an inquest lab rat (failed)

being made a thief (not really a fail but she sure aint one now)

being made a thief. again. (i wanted a pink spectre. didn't work out.)

positive i made her a necromancer at least ONCE.

being made a ranger? i think?

and many few other attempts. but by some declaration of fate, srabba is back and here to stay as my mesmer and fated commander.

however, since i'm going through story in chronological order and haven't gotten past living world season 4, she very much so has some growing to do! (literally, kinda)

i've also picked and tossed a few things about laff out as to give myself some more creative freedom with srabba: i've realized recently i have this weird habit of constricting myself and forcing myself to go with the same idea, but for now i think it'd be better for me to just. do whatever! improv! toss things in and fish things out!

I'm mostly pulling elements from Laff's story, since she's kinda being repurposed into Srabba! Thus don't mind any parallels yaknow /lh

aaannnyway....

MAJOR RAMBLE BELOW THE CUT!! no spoilers whatsoever, but it's gonna be a long post x)

Srabba, during Personal Story, is about 13 years old. Like most asura her age, she is smart, crafty, and markedly intelligent. Before applying to the College of Dynamics in LWS1, Srabba is a ward of the Progeny Protective Service.

Her parents perished in the infamous Thaumanova Reactor meltdown when she was only four years old; Srabba only escaped after they had to yell and urge her to run away to safety with the masses fleeing to escape, which she did, and it is still something plaguing her to this very day.

Srabba not only faces the challenge of lacking a direct guardian to care for her, but also has to navigate the difficulties of being hard of hearing in a society that revolves around discussing and debating scientific theorems and gizmos… Which isn't exactly easy to do when you can't hear much below normal talking- and all the background noise: the buzzing and humming and clinking of asuran society- it makes it even harder to understand what someone is saying to her.

Srabba relies mostly on lip-reading and making educated guesses to understand what others are saying to her. Although she had experimented with hearing aids in her younger years, as she approached her teenage years, she grew less interested in the idea of being "dependent" on the creations of others.

Instead, she aspires to create her own hearing aid device to assist her. This challenging project is a main motivation for joining the College of Dynamics. She is eager to improve her creative thinking skills and enjoys the freedom of starting from nothing to bring her own ideas to life, which is quite different from the, in her humble opinion, dull livelihoods of Statics students who merely tweak existing designs.

In regards to her personality, Srabba is best described as the following:

Witty

Smug

Crafty

and Stubborn

Very, very, very stubborn. Srabba is a very independent person, who finds that despite not having a primary caregiver, she has strong footing when it comes to operating solo, and takes great pride in it.

... Perhaps too much pride.

Because of this, Srabba never has been the most inclined to working with others or, Eternal Alchemy forbid, collaboration. The idea of having to depend upon others is... a frankly scary thought, and one she doesn't like submitting herself to. If she can do it herself, she'll do it herself- no matter how long it'd take.

And the 'Mesmer' part of her name isn't just for show. Srabba is a certified, bonafide mesmer.

Her abilities sprung to life very recently, when she was about 11 years old. She's had only two whole years to really acclimate herself to the intricacies of mesmer magic, but she has a surprisingly great grasp at it. It may or may not have something to do with, oh, y'know... Being born on top of an Inquest lab experimenting with chaotic energy and all. It happens!

Srabba primarily follows the Chaos specialization. As the quote goes: "Where some see chaos, I see opportunity". Srabba views the tragedy of the Thaumanova Reactor as a unique proposition. Although the reactor exploded, it showed the potential using chaos energy actually had. It could transport people place to place, it could disorient and befuddle one's mind, and most important to Srabba: it could bend time and space.

Because of her close connection with chaos magic and energy, Srabba finds that among other factors, she'd fit in well in Dynamics. Her project aside, Srabba has a bright passion for studying chaos magic and energy, and seeks to be the "big leader" on the subject. She not only wants to know how to use it, but how to conserve it, and contain it, and master her own control of it so well, she could figure out how to either revert or lessen the damage in the Thaumanova wreckage.

As for Srabba's actual manipulation of mesmer magic, she's adept in confusing people: with or without actual conditions. She can be here, or she could suddenly be there. She could be right in front of you, or you could just be talking to a clone of herself and you wouldn't be too much the wiser unless you paid close attention. Her illusions are fueled by her innate psychic ability like most mesmer's, and her innate psychic ability is... frighteningly powerful for her age.

Let's be thankful she doesn't know too much about her potential at the moment.

Between the three signature mesmer masks, Srabba follows the Phantasm of Sorrow: she doesn't actually brandish this mask, but rather wears it on her face. Her sad, droopy eyes and thin-lipped frown and big, down-turned ears makes it easy to think she has something troubling her... But for all we know, she actually could be laughing in her head about how moronic some of her peers look. Nobody is the wiser to what goes on in her head, and she very much so likes it that way. It fuels her ego a little. (Light-hearted)

While she rarely finds herself in need of physical altercations, she always keeps two swords at the ready. She finds manipulating her magic through them surprisingly easy, and she is currently studying the art of mantras and phantasms. She especially hopes to start learning all the cool space and timey wimey magic, too.

She's a girl with a lot of plans, aspirations, and irons she wants to start putting in the furnace.

[controversialhottakes]

#1 Good question. August told him Eric would still love him. And there was a deleted scene of Wille talking to Boris...

#2 August and Sara’s relationship started with bullying, continued with forced kisses and grounded on the betrayal of their families, on their tears and sufferings. It was doomed. Sara chose her brother and Simon

#3 It's not even confirmed if the school will really be closed - the principal was determined to fight.

#4 Wille is a teenager. He will finish education first and then decide what he wants to do. It's ok not to have a solid plan for the future at 17

#5 No. Who told you have to? After pointing a gun to August and beating him they had a group therapy. And also knowing that Eric also did something awful to August also helped. Wille just accepted the apology (but hardly forgave him completely) and decided to be civil around him, they didn't turn into besties.

Other questions are up to you to decide

I'm assuming this is a response to this post (which btw you could've just reblogged, was the anon really necessary?):

How does Wille feel about Erik now? Him throwing that snow globe away broke my heart. He didn't even hesitate or flinch, so clearly he doesn't feel bad about getting rid of something that his dead brother had given him and which meant so much to him for so long.

Why aren't Sara and August together? They seem to be very compatible and they deserve to be happy, so why can't she just give him a second chance? They're clearly still in love with each other, so why can't they at least try?

What happens after the break when Simon and Wille go to different schools?

What is Wille's plan if he wants to officially renounce his right to the throne? What is he going to do with his life? A (former) crown prince can hardly get a part-time job at a cafe. Is he going to be living off lånekassen (or whatever the Swedish equivalent is called) until he gets a degree and can find a more suitable job as a lawyer/banker/something in that vein? The boy doesn't know shit about budgeting which is the only way you can survive with no additional income other than the grant/loan. Is he going to write books about how bad the royal family is? That's the literal opposite of "private," he'd literally depend on media and public interest to survive. What is the plan??? Love's all well and good but it won't keep you fed, clothed, or put a roof over your head.

Am I really supposed to believe that Wille forgave August after threatening to shoot him not so long ago and being petty af just one episode earlier? Because he saw him cry and felt bad for him? Are you for real? I'm glad they talked it out but where did it come from???

What are they going to do about the class divide? Wille won't go from upper (literal royalty, it doesn't get any higher than that) to working class overnight (or ever, if you ask me, this isn't just about finances, etc.) and Simon is clearly very passionate about his current social position, I can't imagine him wanting to move anywhere beyond (lower?) middle class, so what's going to happen? Wille doesn't care but Simon does, so what is he supposed to do? Give up on his beliefs?

Is Felice going to just dump her friends and only hang out with Wilhelm, Simon, and Sara now?

There's probably more but I'm tired. We needed at least one more season. At the end of season 3, I ended up with more questions than I had when it started.

[tobiasdrake]

Villain Breakdown: Najma

Najma is a hard character to talk about because so much of her conflict is steeped in symbolism and parallels to a real-world event that I literally only learned about from this show. I was educated by the American public school system. I didn't even know Pakistan was a place that existed until my twenties.

As a symbol, there is a clear and unambiguous parallel that the show is drawing between the Clandestines involuntarily migrating to Earth and the Muslims involuntarily migrating to the newly formed state of Pakistan. But it's so heavily steeped in the history and culture of Pakistan that it's not something I'm super comfortable trying to analyze with my limited perspective. I see it. But I'm not really qualified to explain it.

As a character, there's something that's hilariously batshit about Najma. She acts with so much severity, intensity, and urgency. Leaping in the span of an afternoon from letting Kamala take the Bangle home to trying to murder Kamala for not turning over the Bangle RIGHT NOW. Murdering Aisha for the Bangle and casting Kamran to the wolves for his reluctance to kill everyone.

And then she flipflops and sacrifices herself for Kamran so easily. Kamala's like, "Have you tried caring about your son?" and BOOM, instant turnaround.

Her sacrifice would have been an easier sell for me if she'd been a more two-dimensional character. If she'd actually ever demonstrated any shades of caring about... Well, anyone, let alone Kamran. But she's such a one-dimensional card-carrying supervillain. The kind of entertaining scenery-chewing bad guy who fully knows that they're the villain of a superhero story and makes choices purely for maximized evilness. And that makes it really hard to believe she'd suddenly give up on going home and commit magic suicide for Kamran.

(I mean, it's implied that they can't get through the Rift; That going home isn't an option at all. But she blows that off and insists she's going to do it anyway seconds before her spontaneous change of heart.)

Najma's death reminds me a lot of Xu Wenwu from Shang-Chi. They're in much the same position. Faced with the horrifying revelation that the goal they've burned all their bridges to achieve was never what they wanted after all, they make a last second decision in their final moments to give their life for their son. They end their life not necessarily a good person - They'd probably do it all exactly the same given the opportunity - but doing one good thing with their dying breath.

But despite having much more time to tell her story, Najma's version of this comes across much weaker due to the choices made along the way. The decision to depict her as entirely evil in every possible regard where Wenwu's love for his family gave him nuance that fed into his sacrifice. And the decision to never truly confront her with the reality that what she's been chasing is a lie, making it questionable why she would suddenly turn her back on it.

Making either one of those choices differently could have sold it. If Najma blew off the horrifying truth but had a well-established love for her son, then we could have seen her voluntarily turn her back on her dream and give her life for his sake. Or if Najma was cruel and callous to her son but was forced to realize that she'd been chasing a lie all along, we could have seen her recalculate her values and have a startling revelation over the cruel sacrifices she's made to accomplish nothing.

But for a character who a) seemingly has zero compassion or love for her son and b) instantly rejects out-of-hand the idea that what she desires is not inches away from her face, I simply cannot fathom why she would do anything but go for it. Najma reaches her end with a level of nuance unearned by the rest of her journey.

[harbingrs]

Small clarification: 'unnatural' or less predictable wording usually flags something as NOT being AI-generated. AI detection looks at how "likely" or "normative" the wording is - and that's context-dependent. It can mean common, simple, predictable language is flagged OR wording that's more 'textbook' or 'academic' in line with subject matter sources a LLM is trained on.

Regardless, it's going to affect ANYONE outside a narrow definition of the wording they expect to find in a particular academic group.

These AI detection methods are basically defunct as soon as they're implemented. Just as people have learned to use GenAI, they can learn to fool AI detection as a necessary step. It's more of a deterrent than an actual safeguard (and any false positive can be life-ruining).

In academic detection software, enhancing 'accuracy' likely means adding other factors - like expected vs unexpected language for grade level, region, cohort, etc. Since submitting work adds it to the database forever (not just the school's database, but the database of tools like Turnitin) I'm sure this is fed back in.

This is likely seen as a 'more reliable' measure than simple wording probability - but it's even more biased and ethically dubious. (ETA: I don't have time rn to delve into whether this is literally or openly happening so take it with a grain of salt.)

The second big thing: it doesn't just affect kids or education. This is going to happen across employment, from 'detecting' AI-generated resumes and cover letters to actual work projects. Marginalised people will cop the most scrutiny, too, whether AI detection is even used or people jump to that conclusion without it.

Working in web content, I've been concerned about the psychological fallout of GenAI for ages. The level of mistrust and uncertainty and doubt around all text, information, photos, videos is going to have an impact we can't even fathom.

Every day, connecting information back to verifiable people and institutions becomes more and more important in my line of work. With true AI detection functionally impossible, the only 'solution' is to lean on the authority and experience of the people behind it.

Of course, this doesn't really confirm the reliability or providence of the content itself. It's just an assumption that an established journalist/public figure/reputable publication is more human and more trustworthy (which creates all kinds of self-perpetuating bias).

It gets worse: the more there's a need to verify the human authority behind content, the more surveillance is required to do it. This is already happening, in that if you publish any kind of content online, you are a Known Human Entity being linked to that content across websites and platforms.

A bit like Captchas, where the endgame is not NEEDING to 'prove you're a human' because Google already knows who you are and is following everything you're doing. Slight tangent, but it comes back around.

If academic institutions, workplaces, etc really want to ensure people aren't using AI to create something - the only way they can actually DO that is constant surveillance. This may mean literal (digital) surveillance to ensure AI tools aren't being used during the process of creating something.

It may mean your school, university, workplace, etc keeps a reference database of YOUR individual work - a lifetime's worth of formal and informal writing - and evaluates any new piece of work based on whether it sounds like YOU specifically.

It may just mean institutions (continue to) evaluate everything you submit against a deeply biased database of expected work, expected resumes and expected cover letters - and if yours is too normative OR not normative enough, you're consistently shafted.

Either that or everyone gives up on detecting it and AI-generated content is entirely normalised. This sounds like a scary prospect, and I'm not advocating for it - but the alternatives required to actually VERIFY human-created content are equally scary.

[iamyelling]

i'm tired. finally home after work. annah decided to stay home today for secret reasons. she mentioned she was crying earlier. won't tell me what the fuck is going on with her and says i'm bullying her for asking her to tell me what is going on and she doesn't owe me anything and doesn't have to tell me anything and it's bullshit to ask and she shouldn't have to coach me and i say you could at least point me in a direction or tell me how you would like to be supported and she says no. i say well do you want me to talk to you or give you space and she says "I don't know".

really fucking fed up with this tbh. i'm expected to bend over backwards and care care care for her and whatever her mysterious feelings are . she constantly screams and punches and yells about no one caring about her or asking how she is and all these things but people literally are constantly asking and begging her to tell them and people are always trying to pull the teeth out but she is pushing everyone away all the time and shutting everyone out and shutting everything down and yet she expects us to keep doing it?? and she will randomly FLIP out about it - but that only ever comes up after a huge blow up due to me asking her to stop being shitty or me bringing up my own feelings. only then does it come up as a tactic for flipping it around and turning herself SOMEHOW into the victim. super funsies.

i'm so . just. she barely spoke to me yesterday. onn my BIRTHDAY. she didn't compliment me on how i looked or anything, didn't say anything nice, didn't say she loved me or even happy birthday (in person) or even touched me not even a pat on the god damn arm. so i'm thinking maybe TODAY maybe she's been home ALL day and she'll talk to me today. after all the stupid election news maybe she'll have SOMETHING to talk about. i get home. no. nothing. god . damn. nothing.

so i leave i go sit in the bed room (she is laying across the entire couch under her big puffer blanket). 5-10 minutes later she calls me out to say she has something to tell me. she tells me about some union apprenticeship rumor about how the classes structure / format / education is changing a bit in a way that sounds not so great. i ask how she's feeling about it. she struggles to answer the most basic of questions and seems irritated by my engagement. i just sit there stone faced. i wait. she tells me to fix the clock that hangs on the wall so i do it. i sit back down. i try again asking what is going on with her. then we have the above and she tells me to leave. so i leave again.

wonderful :)

[lettucedloophole]

Recently I realized that I might be a lesbian and not bi. I feel more at home with the lesbian lable, I literally consider it a very big part of my identity. But the thing that's stopping me is the terf ideology. I'm an ex terf and no matter how much I try I just can't seem to get those terf ideas out of my head. So whenever I try to call myself a lesbian there's always a little terf inside of my head calling me a fakebian (fake lesbian) and spewing other transphobic bs.

the first thing i can think to ask yourself is, why are you an ex-terf? did you just find it vaguely "toxic" and wanted to start being kinder to yourself or trans people? it is toxic, and wanting to be kinder to yourself or others isn't bad, but you can't rely on good vibes to sustain yourself. you have to deconstruct what you believed.

transphobia and transmisogyny are something ingrained not only in terf spaces but society from the moment you're born, so it follows that you'd have difficulty unpacking these things. but now that you've been in the deep end of transphobia, you can take that opportunity to dissect what exactly was so disturbing and wrong about those spaces. that reactionary voice in your head isn't something your stuck with, it's a result of ignorance and conditioning so educating yourself and pushing back against the narratives you've been fed will resolve it.

you should do this not only for trans women and other trans people but yourself. i'm not sure if you're tma or tme, or why exactly you feel like you're not a real lesbian, so i can't provide help on that specifically. terf spaces will definitely give you a lot of reasons to feel like you're an imposter to lesbianism, but you saying you feel more at home in lesbianism makes it sound like you're a lesbian to me. there's valid reasons to be protective of lesbianism but it needs to be balanced out or it quickly becomes reactionary. sexuality is just not a very concrete thing. these are all social constructs we're navigating and there's pros to being more open with identification just as there's cons.

i know that last bit is really vague lol, but i can't say i have much of a particular opinion on lesbian discourse or who can be a lesbian as a bi person. one thing i'll say is that i think deconstructing transphobic ideas can help with lesbian imposter syndrome- something a friend said that stuck with me is that she chose to be trans, so that's obviously pretty far removed from the narrative that transness is like, a medical condition you're born with or something. sexuality is not often viewed as an aspiration, but something you are. i think there could be a benefit to seeing it as both, however, and it could create more space for people who feel afraid that they're trespassing on lesbianism. i think as long as you're not dating cis men... ease up on yourself 🙏

[sweetiegirlsue]

diary entry 1 (10/07/23)

i was having the worst week, like the absolute worst week - mentally, physically, emotionally, work-wise. all of it. i felt alone, and hated it, but i also wanted to be alone bc i didn't want to see anyone, or moreover, anyone see me. to the point where i was wondering if i needed to be committed... like that bad. i was wondering why, and i thought maybe it was bc i saw my abuser last week (pure happenstance - that's a story in-and-of itself) for the first time in coming up on a year now, haven't even spoke to him since may. i thought he no longer lived here so i had this false sense of safety but i'll get more into that at a later date. not sure i'm ready to unpack that that trauma, but when i am.... buckle in.

anyways: felt like shit, ate like shit, didn't want to do shit. i was mean to the people i loved and i hated it but i didn't care to change? i was ugly. actually physically as well lol i didn't even care to get ready-ready except for one day out of the entire week. all of this to say... i thought it was because of him and i was losing my mind thinking i was like, broken for real. turns out i was freaking pms-ing. LMAO like seriously why does the bitchy PMS trope get more and more real with age (yes i am 26 yes i am decrepit).

but i feel like that was kind of a symptom of what i've been struggling with lately bc i'm realizing i've completely lost my sense of self. that being said, i'm actively on a journey to self discovery and strengthening my relationship with God. i'm trying to be more present, to stop my thoughts (especially negative ones) in their tracks (something i learned in "get out of your head" by jennie allen). its honestly helping at least a bit, which is what she says in the book - catching even just one negative thought, acknowledging where its coming from then giving it over to God, will change the trajectory of every other thought.

along with that, i'm keeping my social media usage to a record minimum - literally less than an hour a day across all platforms, which has also been very healing. i know its corny to talk about and it really does show my age, but i really feel like we do not need to be consuming the shit that is spoon-fed to us on a daily basis, constantly, on all these platforms. when i fully realized a lot of my thoughts were how i could tweet about something, or make a story about something, or an instagram post. like what the fuck? and for what? it's so nice being able to unplug and reframe my thinking. i've been doing good and i'm liking the breath of fresh air so far.

speaking of fresh air, what made me finally take the time to sit down and journal my thoughts (which is truly just a stream of consciousness) is when i realized what i'm doing at the current moment. i'm sitting on my couch with my patio door open welcoming the morning sun and autumn breeze, drinking coffee and watching netflix all cozy on a cool, fall morning. i'm texting a boy that i used to "date" in middle school and have had a few flings with throughout the years since.

back in middle school i remember around this time of year, sitting on the couch while my parents were at work and my brother was at a friends, watching netflix (and/or playing wii fit) and drinking coffee while texting specifically this boy. it's like i'm taken back to that exact time (except this time i'm indulging in a few joints lol). my inner child is feeling healed and this is the most at peace i've felt in a long time. i usually don't allow myself to rest, i guess i fell as though i don't deserve to (?), so it's nice feeling like i'm allowed to have this time to myself. s/o sex education season 4 <3

in conclusion, this is me documenting the jump start to my healing journey. my focus right now is catching negative thoughts and letting them go, and just being present in the real world. let this be your reminder to pause and actually smell the roses. like literally bend down, put the damn flower to your nose, and smell it when you see one. i'm talking to both me and you on that one.

i hope this is the first of many more diary entries, which i will sign off with the verse OTD:

show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:4-5)

[turnyourgays]

The Usher Foundation 3: Whips and Chains

Content warning for (very unrealistic, but still) child abuse mentions and general scary shit.

[Smartphone recorder chimes]

[Sound is muffled]

YVONNE: -e can't keep pretending like there's nothing wrong, Don.

ARCHIVIST: I'm just saying, it's not our business. He's probably just tired or something.

YVONNE: He's fucking drunk. You can smell it on him.

ARCHIVIST: He's getting his work done.

YVONNE: That's all that matters to you?

ARCHIVIST: [sigh]...what I mean is that he's functioning.

YVONNE: Logan needs help.

ARCHIVIST: Then go help.

[extended silence followed by footsteps and the creaking of a closing door]

[sound un-muffled as ARCHIVIST retrieves his smartphone from his pocket]

ARCHIVIST: Oh. It's already going. Guess I'll cut that part out later. [audible exhale]...Statement of Anna Vanberg, regarding her own monstrosity. Originally given December 28th, 2020 through e-mail to the Foundation. Audio recorded July 9th, 2022, by Donovan Ellis, Chief Experience Organizer at the Usher Foundation, Washington D.C. Statement begins.

--

First, let me tell you how I became a dominatrix.

Growing up, I had an enormous bed, and I literally lived in it. 24/7, I was hooked up to an IV that fed me a stimulant at 6 in the morning, and a sedative at 9 in the evening. Catheter. Bedpan. The only window was a skylight, and the room was soundproofed against the outside. The whole 9 yards of never, ever leaving the room. I was homeschooled, obviously, fed a steady stream of flashcards and books. I was taught math and science, but never literature, history, or art. I took tests that, looking back, were way above what anybody my age must've been doing. I remember trying to be a happy child, over and over again, but there was nothing to smile about. Success and failure were met with equal nothingness.

When I turned 13, they geared my education towards the medical. By 18, I had more than enough knowledge to go to medical school. How they got me into medical school is, to this day, a complete mystery. Regardless, I was enrolled in Harvard Medical.

And no, they didn't prepare me for going outside for the first time. They didn't prepare me for social interaction, or caring for myself, anything.

I struggled enormously. My eyes weren't even adjusted to seeing so many colors. I had almost zero musculature, and I was constantly shitting my dorm bed. My only redeeming quality was that my grades were good.

That's where the sad shit ends. I went to counseling at the recommendation of a professor, who noticed my complete abnormality. I gained weight, even made some friends. I got invited to a party, and that's where things got sexy. Never in my entire life had I even masturbated. Men, women, I needed them all, and I got them all. Sex was somewhere where conventional social skills were thrown away, and I was able to control people with it. They wanted me, and I made them work for it. Money, test scores, companionship, whatever I desired, I got in exchange for riding them and choking them.

Meanwhile, my parents never checked in on me. They paid my tuition from afar, but I didn't even have their number, so the pressure was off. I never became a doctor, I became a full-time dominatrix, operating out of my apartment in Boston.

I went on like that for years. Bliss. Absolute bliss. I tied my subs up like a spider traps flies in its web. I threatened them with knives and made them dance, strings around their necks and whatever parts they had between their legs. I'll be honest: I pushed a lot of boundaries. Made them do a lot of shit they would've been uncomfortable with had they been with any other domme. Not just in a fetishistic sense. I made them stretch their bodies, or put them in a trance with mere suggestion.

My life growing up became a blur, and I didn't give a shit about it anyway.

And then, like a thousand other stories told recently, COVID hit. I was truly alone for the first time since college. A lot of my subs wished me farewell - at least until the emergency ended - but a few others requested we do...socially distanced play.

It got freaky fast, and I'm not talking kinky. I'm telling you, they weren't just playing, I was controlling them. I'd move my finger and they'd raise their arm, I'd snap and they'd orgasm instantly. They couldn't even speak when I did this, not unless I made them. It stopped being sexy, and I just started doing it for kicks, and they kept coming back, begging me to do it again, no matter how terrified they looked afterwards.

They were addicted to me, and the feeling was mutual. I couldn't go a day without watching one of them squirm under my grasp, choke when I didn't let them breathe, sob and beg me to make it stop. I'd only respond by making them feel more pain. I'd fire their nerves, even sever them. Next day, they'd blow up my phone saying thank you.

One day, though, I didn't have any appointments. I was starving for it instantly. My skin was itchy. I was hungry no matter how much I ate. I was cold and shivering. I stared out my window, and saw him. A normal man, walking down the street, on the other side of the road. The way I felt...it was the same way I felt when I saw all those people at my first college party.

He snapped to attention, watching me through my window from across the street. I beckoned him to come forward, nearly drooling with hunger as he came closer and closer.

As he stepped into the street, a car struck him hard and fast, and I felt amazing. It was like an orgasm that lasted hours. It was a better fix than anything I'd experienced so far.

That was back in August. I can't even begin to tell you what I've done since then. I'm e-mailing you now because, well, first of all, I didn't know you guys were a thing until a few weeks ago. But I've felt this urge to tell you...I need to tell you.

You're reading this on July 9th, 2022.

--

Statement ends. I feel like I need to throw up.

[Smartphone recorder chimes]

...

[It chimes again]

I'm not bothering asking Yvonne and Logan to investigate this. Anna Vanberg is obviously a threat, and Logan particularly doesn't need that on his mind.

I'll ask the question Ms. Vanberg no doubt wants me to ask. How did she know? How could she possibly have known the exact date I'd be reading her statement? [sigh]...Recording ends.

[sunsetsover]

they say the most effective liars weave the truth into their lies. lilly told bison and fadel that ruerat had both their parents killed because they wouldn't sell him their land. i believe that's 100% what happened, but it wasn't ruerat that wanted that land, but lilly. she killed those people, stole their land AND their children, and then turned those children into killers who took away other children's parents in turn. which is actually really really sick but i digress.

kant told bison that he had to make money stealing cars to 'give [his] brother a better life, like before [his] parents died'. i realise a stretch, but it's not impossible that kant's parents were well off. they died in a plane crash (allegedly), so theoretically they had enough to give their two kids a good life and education, while also having enough spare to travel together (or they were travelling for work, tho i feel like the odds of them both travelling at the same time for work aren't very high personally). maybe they had land too. maybe they had land lilly wanted. maybe they had land they weren't willing to give up.

and for the record, i don't know if i fully believe the plane crash thing. it's just so out there. not impossible, but very out there. i can see a world where a young and grieving kant is fed a lie about his parents dying in a plane crash on their way back from a trip and believing it bc he's young and he's grieving and what reason would he have to think anyone would want his parents dead? maybe he never sees their bodies. maybe, in the carnage of a plane crash, there's nothing to recover. maybe kant is so fucked up and scared and worried about babe that he doesn't even think to question it.

i can also see a world where kant DOES know what happened to his parents - and maybe even knows who did it too - but feeds babe a lie because the truth is so awful and his brother is so young and he can't do that to him. maybe he just never finds the right time to tell him the truth once he's old enough. maybe he doesn't want to, would rather protect his brother in this way too - let him believe it was just a terrible accident then have to carry the truth, which is that there is someone out there that is responsible for leaving them both orphans. i'm sure, if it was a situation like that, that kant would rather carry the weight of truth for the both of them than let babe shoulder it for a even a moment.

maybe he was even there. i mean there's the whole thing with kant being scared of the ocean which DEFINITELY has more to it than he let on to bison. maybe lilly had them killed right in front of him like she did with bison and fadel's parents - on a beach, by the water. maybe they really did never make it back from their trip. maybe she left kant to drown somewhere, left him floundering in the water to die with his parents - in his haste to get to them, realising what was happening? or was he forced out into the water against his will? i don't know. killing a child might be a shade too far, even for her, but i certainly don't think she would save him if she saw him drowning. he wouldn't even be worth taking with her to brainwash. he probably would've been too old to brainwash.

babe on the other hand?

idk. i'm literally working off of nothing but vibes. i just think it would be a great plot twist, and also would work really well as a catalyst getting bison (and by extension fadel) back onside. like bison clearly has a soft spot for kant being a good big brother. kant'll inevitably confess that the only reason he did the whole police informant thing was because of babe, bc he had to stay out of prison to look after him (plus the whole reason the police had him by the balls in the first place was bc of the car thieving, which was also for babe's sake). but then can you imagine bison finding out not only that lilly had killed his parents, but also kant and babe's? that literally the entire sequence of events that led to kant lying to bison was because of lilly? and, in a way, bc of people like him - people who killed for her, probably believing they were doing it for the greater good but all they were doing is leaving a trail of victims in their wake? that yeah bison is a victim, but so is kant? so is babe? babe, who kant has tried so hard to provide for and protect this whole time (as did bison!), but he never would have had to if it wasn't for lilly and the people that worked for her? people like bison? and though kant might have hurt bison and his family, doesn't that absolutely pale in comparison to the pain and tragedy his family had inflicted on kant first?

you know what would be crazy

if we found out lilly not only killed fadel and bison's parents, but that she killed kant and babe's parents too