#I'm slow but I got to it eventually!
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So, uh.... how about that Kendrick vs. Drake Rap Beef 2024?!?!?!??!!?
In all seriousness, I had a mentally ugly April and so I want to thank the early May nuke that was Meet The Grahams blowing up my Twitter feed for getting me back on track. Sometimes you gotta pop out and hyperfixate on something really fucking different to get your brain back on track, which it did. The final draft of the next chapter is ready and waiting, and now I just need to get rid of all the goddamn rust and dust clogging up my arting gears.
I've done and posted multiple iterations of these designs through the years and they're buried in the archives but at some point I have to commit. That point is right now. I have to commit because these are going to be my visual guides for the next act of the story. Man, I hope I can pull this off. I want Din's look to be red for Aq Vetina and made up of scraps while he continues on his quest to rebuild himself. And I want Luke to have SOME color of some fucking kind and also I got tired of capes and thought the contrast to Din would be fun.
Grogu has some tweaks too but I need to stop dawdling and start thumbnailing for the chapter that is waitingwaitingwaiting for launch day so his little "design sheet" will come later. And once the chapter goes live, I'll spend the rest of the summer getting the pop-up shop up and running for pre-orders. Hopefully. Definitely. For sure.
#shirozora draws#din djarin#luke skywalker#dinluke#i mean it's not explicity dinluke but it's definitely dinluke these are for a story with dinluke in it#I hadn't posted art since March THAT IS WILD TO ME#man that was some black hole i was in#thank fuck i didn't hyperfixate on another fandom and hyperfixated instead on real people beefing about some real shit#at least it finally got me listening to kendrick's discography 11 years after i first said i would#i'm slow but i'll get there eventually i swear#anyway here are visual guides for the next chapter and the next arc of The Stars#and now i am finally free to properly doodle some illustrations
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At this point I'm just assuming that every person who uses public transit in London has been shoved out of the way by an MI5 agent shouting "MOVE MOVE MOVE" at least once in their lives. it's like jury duty, everybody gets a turn
#I'm just waiting for River to try and lie about his identity to someone and for them to be like I know you're MI5 dude you were screaming it#on the tube a week ago when you shoved me into a wall#eventually we'll get an antagonist that was radicalized against MI5 because they got slammed into a turnstyle one too many times#river cartwright#slow horses
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I've begun my running journey recently, and I've been having a fun time! Slowly improving my endurance with each run, and I'm trying my best to be more consistent. So far my longest runs have still been 10ks, but I want to slowly increase my distance. I'm still very very slow and mainly do a lot of run/walk interval running, but I've been enjoying the process.
#it me#running#comic#personal comic#sketches#i'm so very slow haha#my average pace for 6 miles is 11:43 min/mi haha#my goal is to eventually get my pace in the 9 min range since i want to run for longer amounts#doing a half marathon would be a dream or a 10 miler#also your girl got herself a running vest and some of those bone conducting headphones so i can listen to my music and zone out#honestly i love the run around miles 2-4 so far#hoping i get that range to go longer since it's really nice and i zone out during that time#i hate the first mile so much tho....
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hey
#so i've been dealing with some irl stuff recently#nothing too bad. it was just really frustrating and exhausting for me. and really putting a damper on my mood and my art#and i'm sorry if i've been acting a little weird or not saying too much or anything#or if i've been kinda inactive for the past few days#but i'll be okay!#i just wanted to let you guys know what's been kinda going on#i'm slowly working on something really sweet involving Hugo and Noa. so that's been making me feel better#i need something happy and soft between them lol#also! I've been playing The Quarry recently!#the writing is kinda stupid and almost all of the characters act like they don't have a brain. but that's what makes it so fun!#and i'm pretty sure the devs did that intentionally. to make it seem more like a campy monster flick#i'm really enjoying it so far! the werewolves are really cool!#also it's really funny to me how they just pop like balloons whenever they're transforming#i thought it was gonna be a slow transformation. but no. their skin just immediately explodes off#and then they somehow get it all back when they turn back into humans? idk how that works but it's pretty rad#also also! the thing with the tarot cards is really cool!#i missed a lot in the beginning because i didn't know what i was looking for#and the fortune teller lady in between chapters kept getting mad at me for not finding any#but i eventually started to get it! when the game decided to really put one in my face in chapter 3 lol#and the thing with the tarot cards representing the different characters in the game got me thinking about what card Noa would probably be#i think Seven of Swords would be right up her alley#because it's associated with deception. dishonesty. betrayal. and acting strategically#and it could also signify self-deception and confessions. which is all very true for her character#aaahh now i wanna make a tarot card design for her!#but that's an idea for another day#anyway sorry for sorta rambling a bit#i hope you all are doing okay
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do you have any thoughts on the story of abraham and isaac? my parents talk about it and praise abraham for being willing to kill his son which..... scares me to say the least, and i'd love to hear your perspective as someone who seems more well-adjusted
Where I am now, it disgusts me more than anything. The interpretation of "I'm willing to sacrifice your life if I was told to" feels like the step before "I put you into this world and I can take you out of it." It's entitlement to a child, who is an independent individual, just because they are dependent on you for survival. I prefer the interpretation of understanding the actions you're taking and the reasons why (like how there's multiple religions that don't eat pork because it was so unsafe to eat at the time), especially if it's at someone else's expense.
Where I was in the thick of it all, it gave me morbid comfort that scares me now. I had fantasies of being a martyr for the church and the idea of being the next Isaac was just so appealing. Being a hand-selected sacrifice chosen by the Good Lord Himself? Sign me the fuck up, babey!
I think if I admitted that to my family, they'd be horrified.
It's another one of those stories or beliefs where I think the majority of christians just regurgitate what they've heard. It's a point of pride and devotion, but there's no personal reflection or cross-cultural awareness of it. Lean not unto your own understanding and whatnot. It's the potential that scares me the most, like the Quiverfull movement with the Duggars or Turpins. I'm sure there's stories now, but I can't remember them off the top of my head
(Also I will be telling my therapist someone on Tumblr called me "more well-adjusted" thank you anon)
#My therapist has called me 'surprisingly well-adjusted' before#He has since retracted that title and given it back multiple times#I don't know if you relate more to the 'Scared of my parents for praising that' or the 'Scared that I was okay with that' part#maybe both#either way the cycle ends here with you#No more bible quips and quotes that harm you and others. You find your own understanding and eventually it feels nice#It doesn't at first I will admit that. At first it feels like you're gonna go to Hell Right Here Right Now#But eventually you learn to trust yourself. It's a slow process. I've been in therapy for a good 6-7 years now#But one day you wake up and notice life feels more authentic. You feel like your values matter (and they actually do!)#And again it's slow. It's in bits and piece and back and forth. My worst habit is switching something from religious to moral#I highly recommend this type of therapy called ACT it's a CBT subtype#I'm usually not a fan of cbt so u know it helps if I recommend a subtype of it#CBT shit is so cheap I got a workbook from the library#this isnt relevant to the post but#my cat is trying to steal my burger king rn#it gets better (I have a cat) but progress isn't linear (eating burger king)#ex christian#religious trauma#anon tag
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2 deltarune attacks! The painted one kinda failed but I do like how I drew Zach's face,,, and the Spam.rar one is just great overall!!! I love sub surface scattering ^_^
Spamton.rar belongs to MorryUnfunny on artfight and Zach belongs to @clockvenn !!
Artfight here
#deltarune#spamton#art#spamton g spamton#deltarune fanart#deltarune spamton#spamton fanart#spamton oc#not my ocs#blue addison#addisons deltarune#the addisons#trojan spamton#I still got a few revenges I wanna do#and then I'll get back to normally attacking again#but my mental health hasn't been the greatest unfortunately so I'm taking it slow !!#expect more art eventually tho#esp more deltarune stuff the hyperfix never ends!!!!!#fex's artcade
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!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#A great episode tbh especially given the low budget. I feel like they really did their very best#And even though what I'm going to say next is probably going to be all critic - because I nitpick things and that's what I always end up–#talking about - I still want to underline that it was a very solid and enjoyable episode!!!#Alright the ss/kk was so 💞💞💞 every scene I had to rewatch twice or thrice akhscbashfb they're so cute!!!#Except for the riding scene tho. That scene gives me massive second hand embarrassment every time I just wish it will end as fast as–#possible pffttt. Mmmmhhh... The drawings weren't even too bad all accounted. My main complain is about the quicksand scene...#I feel like that one should be a slow quiet emotional scene. I never licked the choice of using the song as background soundtrack :/#I feel like it ruins the mood of the scene (it was still good though)#I also... Generally don't like the direction they seem to go for with Akutagawa's character in the anime‚ he seems quite a bit flatter–#compared to how he is in the manga. He can't be angry and evil ALL the time you need to show that softness get through from time to time.#If not what even is the point of his character. Yet in the anime he's angry (and not distraught) when he loses the mine craft and he's–#angry when he's questioning Atsushi about his motifs and he's angry when he's bragging about Atsushi's abilities to Goncharov and he's–#angry when he makes the promise with Atsushi at the end of the episode and eventually he'll be just as angry even when telling Atsushi–#to run away as he's sacrificing his life for him. It is pretty flat at the end of the day.#If I can say something about K/ensho Ono without being killed I think they do contribute to making him feel angry all the time.#But that said it's all probably poor directing choices (or simply choices I don't agree with).#Also‚ about cuts. Usually I try to be lenient about it– I understand it's hard to fit in everything and b/sd already does a very–#good job by adapting the manga almost panel-by panel. It's just that... You skip Akutagawa showing compassion for Atsushi after the–#orphanage director died. You skip Atsushi sharing the same compassion when Akutagawa loses his targed in the mines chase. You skip the–#“Nothing special about that. // I suppose he's far crueler than my own mentor.” line. And sure each of them may be negligible by their own#But together they wave a consistent web of relationship between the two characters you know? And it's a loss to omit them all#Well no mind. Again it was still a great episode overall!!!!#I think the colors in the mines could have been prettier in the mines but we can't have it all#Off to season 4!!! Omg I can't believe we got this far :DDD#random rambles#FINALLY was able to catch up in time for the season 3 finale!!!!!!
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good morning!! <333
#hehe ihop was yummy yesterday and we have leftovers :3#also i got one region to 100%#so now it's 100; 81; and 0 (probably more than that but i need to unlock the statue to know for sure)#anyway... given that the rest of what i need for the flower-feather clan area is probably in its shrine of depth...#i'm gonna start that third region today#dunno how much i'll get done but if i play like two hours I'll probably make good progress#also today is groceries + i lowkey wanna post that fic i wrote while it's still the month of his anniversary ('haitham :3)#so maybe tonight?#oh yeah i did manage to play an hour or so of wuwa last night - we'll just keep making slow progress until i'm eventually caught up :3#anyways that's all in your morning video game news lol#i hope that today/tonight is kind to you!! <333#morning rambles
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Autocorrect stop changing "Quirrel" to "Squirrel" challenge: Impossible.
#hollow knight#quirrel#i am writing a fanfic. i haven't written in years#i have 24k words written rn#does anyone still follow me from when i wrote fnaf fanfic in like 2019??#if so hi. also sorry. this will be absolutely nothing like my fnaf fics#i am writing in ~3rd person~ now instead of cringe second person POV#also this is a vent fic so it's just gonna be sad asf most the time then it will be hurt/comfort and recovery so like.#not even gonna post it to tumblr#but if you know my ao3 account you know#im not against giving it out i just think 0 people will want to read this#it's not up to my normal quality but if i made it my normal quality it would double in size to fix pacing issues#i'm doing lots of telling and not showing/dialogue because it needs to move faster#and not be a 100k burn of hurt and pain then slow recovery#instead it will probably be around 30k when i'm done#plus i feel so sick dwelling on the first of my 3 acts i can't stand to edit it anymore it's making me depressed#i have a like normal HK fic i started forever ago that's mostly just angst but I would be actually proud to share it if i finish#had to write a fight scene. realized idk how to write a fight scene. got writer's block and abandoned it. rip#also i do have a fnaf fic i want to finish eventually but it's soooo old rn#but it's super silly and fun
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WHY?, “Sin Imperial" // Car Sear Headrest, “I Can Play the Piano”
#Whywithaquestionmark#Car Seat Headrest#trigger warning for eating disorders I'm sorry I don't know the best way to tag them I never had to before#I was having a conversation earlier about how I have a very specific relationship with fasting#in that for me specifically I feel like it’s just slow-burn starvation#because it gave me an eating disorder#this idea that if I just stop eating then I'll lose weight and if I lose weight I'll be better#that eating was a moral failure on my part because if I just held out a little longer then I'd be beautiful#so when I'd eventually break fast because it had been days and my vision was fading#I'd make myself throw up afterwards because I had failed#that morphed into all the different little toxic relationships I have with food#I still consider myself a monster for eating#I still lie about how much or how often I eat#and after I stopped forcing myself to throw up after every meal all the consequences hit#my hair started falling out my teeth started falling out all the weight I lost came back#and there was this voice in the back of my head that said that if I had kept going none of that would have happened#and that's kind of true because either those delayed consequences wouldn't have hit#Or I would have actually succeeded in starving myself to death#anyway I relapsed after dinner tonight and purged again and the why? song came on shuffle on the drive home#and I thought it was a little ironic haha#and I ate some more when I got home and I'm really struggling with this one right now haha#because I told myself I wouldn't have anything else to eat tonight but I did and now I feel like I have to pay for it#I think people forgot I was bulimic a few years ago or I just thought I told them and didn't#because it seemed like news at the dinner table lmao#I don't talk about it a lot because it's really upsetting to people I care about#But I haven't made myself throw up in a long time so this is kind of scary I think#Or maybe I shouldn't be scared and instead I should just force of will this#back myself into a lose-lose situation where I either hate myself for eating or hate myself for starving/purging#that's the only way my brain knows how to function I guess#whoever wins we lose haha whatever
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I'm trying to find ways to slowly ease my way into taking walks (debilitating social anxiety) so I was going to download pokemon go again but my phone is too old :(
#im actually very upset abt this lol#all of the other tricks ive found rely on having a dog to walk#and like i would love to get my own dog but i absolutely cannot afford one lmao#so i guess i just. still can't go on walks#nobody seems to understand just how impossible it is for me to walk down the street when im not trying to get somewhere#like just going for a walk for fun/to look at nature feels like im being killed#people are LOOKING at me and when someone even so much as glances at me while im walking i instantly feel like I'm doing something wrong#or like they're going to misunderstand my sort of odd behaviors#i can't walk slow because they'll think im a stalker. i can't walk fast because ill get out of breath and they'll think im disgusting#i can't keep a normal pace because im too nervous and i just spend the whole time tense and hate myself even more when i get home#like. what the hell am i supposed to do lol#getting a dog is the only way i think i could stop myself from spiraling like that bc of COURSE im walking slow and leisurely.#im walking my dog. my dog wants to smell and has to poop or whatever#im no longer a freaky fat stalker im just some guy walking my dog#this became more of a vent than i was expecting lmao but if anyone has any actual tangible tips for how to go on walks i would appreciate it#when i had to walk 2 miles to class i used to take a small part of an edible right before i got on the bus lmao and that worked WONDERS#but i don't want to have to do that just to walk around my own neighborhood when i eventually move out#i just want to be normal lmao i want to go out and find bugs and look at leaves#i guess i could walk in the woods but what if i get lost#i want to be able to look at stuff. i want to be able to stop and look at a plant while some person passes by me#without feeling like im going to blow up or like they're going to hit me or like IM going to hit THEM#im used to anxiety but i always feel so erratic in public places. when everyone wore masks i was a little better#i still mask most of the time but it doesn't help anymore bc now im like one of the only people that does it#so now instead of blending in AND having my face covered i just stand out more#my face is still covered so it still helps but its like barely a net positive lmao#i want to be able to look around without worrying that someone is looking at me from their window and thinks im a stalker#truly how the hell am i supposed to do that without a dog lol
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Honestly I'm just on the mission of reading this book cause I need to draw my version of Dyer I'm not gonna make this a homework...
#I'm going slow as shit. it's kinda old and hard to read for my English level#I'll try tho eventually I'll finish#also I got this idk how old copy with very yellow paper. kinda weird texture too. this makes me feel I have to finish it.#my bullshits
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tomorrow pakige
#one side of my headphones stopped working so i was forced to order things for myself again#i'd been putting this off i knew this pair was not long for this world#but i didn't want to spend money on myself for something so frivolous as *checks notes* thing i need to maintain sanity#so i waited until they cut out and then had to wait a whole bunch because i didn't want to spend money on shipping#but tomorrow should be pakige time#unless they get a wild hair up their butts about it and decide to get it on a truck this afternoon#but definitely tomorrow pakidge#i actually got 2 types of headphones#because free shipping + i wear earbuds for especially sleeping but in general i tend to favor them#but i have really liked over-ear headphones so i got a pair that can also Become Wireless in that the wire is exchangable (i think)#so i am hoping that means i will then have over ear headphones i can wear to muffle sound and help me when my ears require it#that i can also wear at the computer#the reviews weren't *great* for the over-ears but like. so long as they sit comfortably on my head i'm okay with having bought the cheap on#cause they will at MINIMUM do the mufflesounds and that's the key thing#i am very bad at buying Things for myself#frankly this has been a banner year for me Purchasing Delights specifically over the past like#month or two#and it's all been Necessary Items and things but also it's just very difficult#when it's just fun stuff#idk i'm... having the slow and gentle realization that perhaps doing nice things for myself isn't a bad thing actually#and that sometimes it's kind of important to get things you'll like just cause you like them or want them#eventually i'll figure out how to Want Things and then it's OVER for you bitches#(you bitches being my wallet)
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Me: I like using the BG3 character creator as like a d&d version of the sims
Brain: download the sims
Anyway, the last time I played the sims was before I even made Cadmus as a character so GUESS WHO I MADE
Miss Bisexual Actress Witch & Mister Genderqueer Con Artist Magician
#tmi#anucad#i have soooooo many cc mods#like. apparently i had over 400 the last time i played on my shitty laptop#i started going through & sorting them & redownloading in case they've updated#& of course while figuring out where tf i even got many of these i ended up downloading more#& eventually i said “fuck it just stick the unsorted mods in their own folder inside the mod folder”#anyway. i barely even play with the sims i make. i just love character creation#like. according to steam i've got 22.4h playtime on bg3. ~8 or 9 of that was when i tried on my laptop & it was super slow & kept freezing-#-& crashing. roughly 3 hours is actual non-character creation playtime. the rest is me fucking around in the character creator#i have no idea how much time i've sunk into gaia online's avatar builder but it's probably well over 100 hours#Love Nikki probably over 1000#i need y'all to understand. i love character creation. when i'm drawing a new oc my brain is flipping through what design things to give-#-them like a goddamn dressup game. part of me wants to try doing character design professionally but the problem is...#...if you look at all my OCs they're mostly basically anime girls. i'm bad at making myself diversify my characters beyond occasionally-#-giving them black/brown skin. i need to make more fat characters. and more darker skinned characters. & more other things.
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.
#tag talk#told my brother about how I trimmed my sublingual frenulum and he explained to me how apparently I'm a 12 on the weird scale#he was like “at least it wasn't the dick one” and I had to tell him that yeah I already got that one like.. two years ago.#I think I'm now a 13 on the weird scale in his eyes#idk. it's always an isolating experience to meet people who are like “yeah I'm so weird I'm a freak!” and then I start talking and they just#the slow horror creeps across their face and suddenly I'm the freak again.#and here's the thing. yeah it's mixed up in mental instability but it's rooted in a genuine view that my body is just an object#I feel better than I've ever felt and I've been thinking about how I don't like that part of my body. so I changed it. simple as that.#it's not self harm it's self actualization. I'm creating something.#this is my gripe with mental health professionals. they view it as pathology. view it as a problem.#was me piercing my ears an act of self harm? I would say no. but deliberately sticking a needle into your body could be extrapolated as such#idk. just because I'm not like everyone else doesn't make me a freak. doesn't make me bad. doesn't make me abhorrent.#I like the fact that I'm becoming more confident in my weirdness. owning it. if anyone doesn't like it they can leave. I am who I am.#I still want some sort of wing design across my back and shoulder blades but I think I'll actually have to get that done professionally.#some day. not soon for sure. but eventually#my back is relatively bare compared to my front since my arm reach is limited so you know.#but like. a dragon wing design kinda like the red dragon Hannibal-style#wouldn't that absolutely fuck severely?#I think it would#I don't want more far out body mods like split tongue or piercings on less practical body parts#though actually ngl after bottom surgery I would actually totally get some sort of labial piercing maybe.#that would actually be sick as hell I think.#zero desire to pierce my dick cause I don't want it at all so the less attention it gets the better#anyway. done rambling for now.
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It's all coming together
#I also have the Reigen spinoff but a friend is borrowing it (I know you'll see this post. I am waiting)#Forcing myself to slow down because I just got 11 a few days ago and 12 doesn’t come out until September is PAINFUL#You can see the bookmark in 9 lmaooo#And my analysis in 1 dw that will be revealed eventually. Big plans#One day all of the mangas will look like that for my project#But if they keep releasing them every 4 months I don’t think I can last#That's like another year and a half before we finally get 16#Also 3 without having Mob's shirt cover ONE is so strange#and I'm pretty sure the rest don't do that either#But the cover art is amazing anyways love the colors on all of them my gosh#mob psycho 100#mp100
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