#But if they keep releasing them every 4 months I don’t think I can last | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

whitemancumslut · 2 years ago

Text

REQUEST ALWAYS OPEN

kiss her & don’t tells= pink

instagram blurb= blue

not released yet/ ☓= red

LONG HAIR HARRY↓

Temporary Fix *

summary During the On the Road Again Tour, Harry uses his bandmate’s girlfriend as a distraction from his previous relationship.

PRINCE HAIR HARRY ↓

Grounded *

summary: in which your boyfriend skips a party to be with you.

Attention Span of A Goldfish *

summary: harry proves his point.

Good Boy *

ask: Subrry so gone that he keeps eating you even after you have already cum and are overstimulated but he can’t stop because he just wants to be a good boy for you 😩 I HOPE YOU ARE WELL

LOVE ON TOUR↓

Harryween *

summary: y/n loves harry’s costume.

Midnights *

summary: in which, harry is horny late into the night.

Orgasm Denial w/ Subbry *

ask: su -susss-sub harry pls mama pls pls PLEASE IM BEGGING BANGING MY FIST AGAINST THE GROUNG

Tripping, Falling

summary: subspace blurb

Happy new year

summary in which harry and y/n celebrate their second new years together and y/n makes a big decision in order to keep her and harry’s relationship alive.

DAD!HARRY↓

Harry’s Daughters

Stranger Things Release + Dating Rumors

Los Angeles Residency 4 and 5

(better together series)

PHH/LHH as a dad

Santa Baby *

summary: In which, the Styles’ family is spending their first Christmas in one their homes, in Y/n’s hometown, Boston.

WORST DADDY EVER

summary in which Angel is upset with her father and calls him the worst dad ever.

LOVE ME LIKE YOU DO *

summary: harry and his wife have kitchen sex

The Start of HS4…

HUSBAND!HARRY

Pregnancy Announcement Extended

Los Angeles Residency 4 and 5

Grammys ‘23

summary harry and y/n are up against each other.

The Start of HS4

SOON TO BE DAD!HARRY

Pregnancy Announcement Extended

NERD!HARRY↓

The Cute Tutor *

summary harry is completely obsessed with y/n. but when harry volunteered to be y/n’s tutor just as an excuse to see her every week, he had no idea having an attraction to someone you’re tutoring would become such torture. but harry is completely oblivious to y/n’s flirtatious manner towards him.

cw: phone sex

BOYFRIEND!HARRY↓

Open *

Best of Friends

summary actress!singer!reader is best friends with the one and only harry styles. many suspect romance between the two… but can you blame them? here are some of their birthday post for each other throughout the years💕 face claim, gracie abrams

Princess Treatment

18+ subspace aftercare with no plot

Subrry x Mean!Y/n

ask: can you please write subrry with mean dom y/n? <33 i feel deprived of subrry lately 😭

Precious *

summary In which Y/n is busy and isn’t able to tend and take care of a small sensitive Harry.

Breed Me *

summary: Harry breeds his wife with baby #2

Sad Harry (blurb)

summary harry’s sad and doesn’t know why.

DAD’S BESTFRIEND!HARRY↓

Beautiful Corruption *

You’re Pretty When You Cry *

CHEATER!HARRY↓

Party Pleaser

summary: where y/n tends to think she can blackmail harry to get what she wants but harry puts her in her place awfully quick by making her plead for a gut wrenching orgasm.

ALL MINE *

PROFESSOR!HARRY↓

Edge of Seventeen

BEST FRIEND’S DAD↓

Relentless *

Better Than Me*

DADDY!HARRY↓

Play Date ft. Zayn Malik *

EX BOYFRIEND!HARRY ↓

BAD KIND OF BUTTERFLIES *

summary:

OLDER!HARRY↓

Relentless *

Better Than Me *

FWB!HARRY↓

SHOULD’VE SAID IT *

summary: In which Harry and Y/n had a situationship a few months back. Y/n gets a new boyfriend who she claims she loves deeply but when Harry comes back and they hook up it makes all of his feelings for her suddenly come back. But Y/n claims Harry is too late.

STEPBROTHER!HARRY↓

WHOSE GONNA BRING THE POP TO THE CINEMA?

ask: HEYYY!! I LOVE your writings! can you please write one, where they fuck in the cinema OR ANY PUBLIC SEX? Either stepbrother h or dbf harry. I don’t care which one you choose, I just want that to happen.

FRAT BOY!HARRY↓

LAST CHRISTMAS

summary In which Harry and Y/n had relationship troubles last christmas and are excited to celebrate their first christmas together.

FETUS!HARRY↓

GANG!HARRY↓

STEPDAD!HARRY↓

PORNSTAR!HARRY↓

LIVE ON TOUR↓

BROTHER’S BESTFRIEND↓

#harry styles #harry styles smut #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #dom!harry #harry styles x y/n #subbry #sub!harry #dom harry styles #sun!harry x dom!reader #harry styles one direction #harry styles one shot #harry styles masterlist #whitemanscumslut #whitemancumslut

828 notes · View notes

sunflouwerhabit · 15 days ago

Text

sunday musings…

hi friends! it is currently rainy and disgusting here in the Land. i might be dying (or, at least, i am experiencing the onset of a cold and have earned the right be a baby about it) and i am quite simply coming off the worst month of my life. things just feel so… bleak? so grey? i feel like i fell through a portal into the wrong universe on october 16th and am going to spend the rest of my life trying to find my way back.

i still just don’t know what to do. like.

i go about my day. i try to find solace in the little things. i smile when i’m talking to my friends or playing with my bunnies and like… life goes on, you know? even when it feels like it shouldn’t. i’m writing, i’m living, i’m taking it day by day. in most moments, i’m okay. but then i think about the future and the years to come and it’s just… god. something in me died with liam, and then something died in me last tuesday with the US election. it’s also grim. i feel like i’n a storm cloud casting shadows over everything that i love.

i know i’ll be okay, someday. i just don’t know when that will be.

in the meantime… i’m going to keep leaning into the things that make me happiest: writing, music, fandom. this community means more to me than i will ever put into words and i’m just so, so, so grateful that i will always have this.

last thursday, i resumed posting bring me home. section 3 was released today. for a very long time, i didn’t know if i would be able to. i didn’t know if i would ever write again. i didn’t know how to go back to a story that began in 2018 and celebrates a life we’ll never get: the boys growing up together, as best friends and a family and being so, so, so happy. ot5 is the heart of bring me home. it’s the heart of every story i write. that thought kills me. it also makes me so, so grateful that- as a fandom- we have created so many universes where the boys are together and everything is okay.

fiction is so healing.

before making the decision to return to BMH, i texted my lovely beta reader and told her that, in the wake of the election, i felt powerless. it’s such a helpless, dark feeling. even now, there is nothing i can do to fix what happened, BUT. but. i can release my stories. i can post bring me home. i can hopefully give my readers a reprieve, letting them live in a world where things are lighter. i can write my queer stories filled with queer characters who are soft, lovely, thoughtful, bright, brilliant, happy, and queer. i can write about queer couples loving each other. i can celebrate queer joy.

that’s what i’m going to do. it’s all i got. it’s nothing and it’s everything.

i hope you’re all doing okay. i am sending you all of my love. if you ever need anything, feel free to reach out. i am incredibly volatile right now- some days i need to be glued to my phone, others i can’t be online. some days i need to talk and some days i need space- but i will respond when i can, i promise. we’re a fandom, a community, and we can get through this together. grief is ugly and complex. it’s grey. it’s love.

see you on thursday for section 4 of bring me home 🤍

forever celebrating queer joy,

lexie <3

#musings #sunday thoughts #you don’t have to read this lol #bring me home #fanfic #writing #queer joy

14 notes · View notes

mcytcontent · 8 months ago

Text

Hello.

This is my personal analysis of the recent situation about Wilbur Soot and Shelby Shubble. (I don’t want anyone to go to extremes and insult any of the streamers/youtubers)

I tried to stay as neutral as possible to write this analysis.

I also want to say that I have been following Wilbur for a long time (4 years) and in this situation I already have the right to my word. (After one comment. I follow Wilbur 4 years, not watching)

Tumblr has a limit on photos, so I divided it into parts.

I am not dependent on Wilbur, but I support him. I'm not a big fan of him at all. I stopped watching all MCYT for 2 years after the death of Technoblade, and before that I didn’t really watch Wilbur a lot.

(1/4) over parts on my profile

First I want to attach my time calendar that I made to highlight important moments for 2021-2024

Let's start from the very beginning, namely with Shelby's stream about her experience in an abusive relationship.

Immediately after the rumors began to spread, Shelby decided to delete this stream. You won't be able to find it on her Twitch channel. But fortunately or unfortunately you can view his recording on YouTube (This video has been blocked or made restricted. Unfortunately, I didn’t find another neutral recording without any additional information from the author of the video, but you can watch the stream using another link, but I want to warn you that the subsequent indications of the time of this stream in my post are the same as the original Shelby stream and not this one from YouTube.)

First we will start with the inconsistencies in the Shubble story from this stream.

I keep trying, and it's unfortunate that a lot of my dating history there were a lot of bad people that tried to manipulate or control me, but that's not to say that every person that I've dated has treated me poorly, some people just weren't the right. (3:59-4:19)

‌I never thought that I could be the kind of person to end up in a situation like I did. I never thought that could happen to me and so, for me this is important, because it could help anybody else see the signs sooner than I did. (4:40-4:55)

‌ I just thought I was so much smarter. I was like if someone ever laid their hands on me I'd leave immediately, it would never happen a second time, but it just kind of happened so slowly over time, and got worse and worse until the point where there's no way to deny, the fact that he was hurting me and he knew, and didn't care...» (30:52- •••)

The inconsistency in this case is that Shelby at the very beginning said that she had quite a large number of people who used her, but in the end she said that she did not think that she would be used a second time.

Speaking out about my bad experiences has never felt as important as it does right now, because silence has always brought me peace, and this time it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace. (4:21-4:39)

Shelby has had a lot of bad people in her life. At the beginning of the stream, she said that she really likes to share her experience, but she decided to talk about abusive relationships only now. She rarely talked about other relationships, the only thing we know from her past relationships is that her first boyfriend raped her and she dated some youtuber/streamer guys.

It took me 10 months after to heal. I spoke with multiple therapists and tried different forms of therapy. I tried sematic therapy, that one was actually really good for me. That one actually helped me release a lot of um builtup anger I was having over the last year. (5:40-6:06)

How come Shelby was in therapy and said the name wrong? Shelby said that she went to Sematic Therapy, although there is only Somatic Therapy, and Somatic Therapy is aimed at processing the reaction to fear attacks and removing them, and not at releasing anger.

Somatic trauma therapy — a psychotherapeutic approach to working with symptoms and conditions such as attacks of fear (“panic attacks”), acute reactions of grief, loss, and post-traumatic reactions (PTSD). The primary goal of SE is to modify the stress response associated with trauma through bottom-up processing.

But the most important thing is why Shelby went to different therapies, why didn’t she settle on one specific one that helped her. There may be several options, but the most possible is that Shelby was not helped by the therapies she went to.

I shared my story with a lot of friends after I started talking to therapists. (6:25-6:30)

‌I was so mad at myself, because I was lying to a certain point to protect this person, because I knew that if I told my friends the truth it make him look really bad. (7:16-7:28)

‌«... and that's not anybody's fault because I was lying and it wasn't fine, because I would go home later and I tell him how uncomfortable I was...» (from Shelby's twitter post)

‌I have though caught him in lies before, but usually it was small stuff, and I again, I didn't want to it wasn't anything that ever seemed worth rocking the boat over, which isn't normal for me, I hate lies. (16:44-16:58)

‌I ended up lying for him, but he had lied about big things and he had also been caught lying by his friends numerous times, so this is something that he feels is acceptable to do. (16:59-17:11)

‌I abandoned my personal morals, neglected friends and lied for this person.

Shelby first says that she told the whole story to her friends while she was in therapy, but then she herself says that she lied during the story to protect Wilbur. And then she claims that she went against her principles because she hates lying.

She later says that Wilbur always lied about small things, but then refutes this by saying that he lied about more important things.

He always cared more about how it looked and that was really important not what was true and it was really subtle. (7:37-7:48)

Wilbur never hid his inclinations, people just romanticized him too much because he was handsome and a musician.

When I hear about physical abuse I think of hitting and punching, so I thought that this wasn't violent enough. (7:54-8:05)

‌He's not hitting me and it didn't start as something that he did to hurt me that he did to hurt me, he had this habit of biting, which is so weird to me now, but he said that he had this habit since he was a kid and even his mom said that was true and he said it was just affectionate and that might have been. I mean, I think that might have been true maybe at the start, but I also feel that I have good reason to believe that every part of it was a lie but that's just my personal opinion. (8:16-8:46)

‌I had no problem with just biting, that isn't even the most uncommon thing, but he did mention something early that I should have taken as a red flag, and he wanted to make sure that I was okay with him biting me because he didn't want me to come back later and say that he abused me, which I thought was really weird, considering he had never hurt me before and so why would I call it abuse and why was he thinking about that. (8:47-9:16)

Physical abuse — the use of physical force and violence, beatings, assault with the aim of subordinating the behavior of the victim, fulfilling the demands of the aggressor.

Daknomania (from ancient Greek δάκνω - to bite, μανία - attraction, passion, madness) is a tendency to bite others and oneself. Over time, due to imperative (verbal) hallucinations, as well as Kandinsky-Clerambault syndrome, it can transform into an impulsive and also violent tendency.

According to psychotherapist Andrei Khavanov, the desire to bite, pinch, beat a person for whom there is an acute attack of love is widespread and seems to depend little on the cultural context. This phenomenon is called cute aggression.

«He disguised it as this really quirky part of our relationship and was so comfortable sharing it with his friends, to the point that he would do it in front of them, he thought it was this really funny story to tell and a good bit to take my arm and bite me in front of everybody until I literally shout in pain and then I have to laugh it off because I'm so embarrassed and I don't want to cause a scene in front of all of our friends and I'm sure everyone was a little bit uncomfortable, but as long as I was saying that it was fine nobody really felt like they needed to be concerned... » (10:38-•••)

At first Shelby says that Will's friends were there, but then she says that their friends were there.

«... and that's not anybody's fault because I was lying and it wasn't fine, because I would go home later and I tell him how uncomfortable I was, how much I didn't like being hurt all the time and I needed him to really stop biting so hard, I didn't like it and I tried telling him over and over again, he said this is who he is he isn't going to change those. (•••-11:40)

‌I was constantly nauseous gagging daily, on occasion throwing up, because of the pit that was in my stomach, I never told him about that, though I was going and running away quietly to throw up in the toilet and rejoin our group of friends. (13:19-13:34)

‌That's just the kind of thing that I keep repeating to myself when I'm like "But was it bad enough, what it wasn't violent enough", but I was being hurt multiple times every single day for a month at a time in a row at a time in a row, and I'm not even speaking on most...»

‌Entirely why he switched to biting my legs, so no one would think I looked abused. But he continued to hurt me. (from Shelby's twitter post)

‌My issue was not with being bit. It was with being HURT. (from Shelby's twitter post)

‌I loved him and he told me he'd try to stop hurting me.(from Shelby's twitter post)

Shelby herself hid the fact that she was vomiting because of the bites.

Shelby, when she was dating Wilbur, thought that biting wasn't that bad. And if Shelby was against biting, she would not have given him her legs. When you can just grab your arms, you need to stretch out your legs so you can bite. And as Shelby herself said, Will never hit her, but only bit her. Also, Will tried not to bite her as much as he claimed.

Other people with the same problem say that the force of the bite is difficult to control.

This is Google translation since I am not an English speaker and English is not my 2-nd language

In fact, he was telling me the exact opposite every day, he would tell me he still wanted to be together, he wanted to work on all of the problems, he wanted me at the end of everything, he did not want to break up, he made that very clear. (16:27-16:40)

Shelby says that Wilbur changed his mind every day, but she only lists what he said before, and then that he repeated it every time and never changed his mind. Wilbur also did not hide the fact that he had problems, he even promised that he would work on them.

He said that the relationship was starting to feel like a responsibility towards the end. So it wasn't a responsibility the whole rest of the time to him and he was at this point basically flaunting that he would never prioritize me over anything. I wasn't even asking for literally even the bare minimum, I was asking for so little and I was watching him give exactly what I was needing in the relationship all over the place to anybody else who just happened to ask and just wasn't me. (18:39-19:24)

‌He was never going to prioritize me over anything over anything that would give him more fame or money in fact, he said that himself, that was exactly why he was not going to compromise at all for a solution, for us to be together, because he said he wanted to see how much fame and money he could get. (19:30-19:51)

Neglect, neglect; lack of attention to someone or something, lack of proper care for someone or something.

It can also be noted that being on stage was Wilbur’s most cherished desire since childhood and giving up all his dreams for someone is quite stupid (in my opinion (surveys on the Internet also confirm that the majority are of the same opinion)).

I'm good at remembering words and especially his wording I became really good at remembering, because he was constantly contradicting himself. (11:51-11:58)

‌I now struggle with memory problems and extreme anxiety. (from Shelby's twitter post)

Shubble herself said that she has memory problems.

I didn't even want to, because I couldn't even see for such a long time after what it really was that had happened, that he had abused me and in fact we left things, as we want to be friends and he can never imagine not speaking to me again, and then he never spoke to me again outside of like a couple of exchanges where I needed to ask for my clothes to be shipped...»

Abusive relationships — relationships in which a partner violates the personal boundaries of another person, humiliates, and allows cruelty in communication and actions in order to suppress the will of the victim. In this type of relationship, the victim and the aggressor do not change places; the victim, for a number of reasons, cannot leave this relationship.

Shubble said that she and Wilbur no longer communicated or even corresponded. Shelby left Will around the time his concerts started, but she was still in touch with him. For example, her Instagram, December 15, photo with some members of LoveJoy, Quackity was also present in the photo, on the same day there was a Vine stream 22.

From there we can understand that Shelby and Wilbur were still seeing each other -> clip of the song cmwyl February 10, 2023, where Shelby present.

Later, Shelby said on the stream that their relationship ended in January 23, which completely coincides with her story about Wilbur’s trips, and the fact that they could not see each other from several days to a month.

«...I didn't block him till 10 months later because I wanted an open door still, I really thought I wanted to be his friend.

The entire time she was in therapy, she did not block Wilbur, despite the fact that he “abused” her. She also admits that she still considered him her friend.

I stayed locked in a house I had no key for and didn't even try to leave anymore. People ask why we stay, and it's so hard to explain ourselves because we've abandoned all our reasoning. (from Shelby's twitter post)

Shelby, if she wanted, could open the window and escape.

Shelby herself admits that she did not want to leave home. By house, Shubble could mean an apartment. Although this is still strange, since Wilbur, according to her, had ants. This does not happen really much in apartments, and there cannot be 2 or more baths in an apartment. It follows that Wilbur had a house, and if it was a private house, then Shelby could easily climb out of the window if he locked it, or call the police.

In one LoveJoy vlog, Shelby can be heard in the background asking Will for the keys to the house, he gave them to her, which confirms that she did not have keys to the house.

I do believe he was bottling up so many emotions and he would never talk about how he felt, I think he admit that he felt, like, he couldn't say it any sooner, like there was just no possible way to say how he was feeling sooner than the absolute last possible chance like not even a chance. (22:09-22:27)

The template on the stream confirmed that she did not know what Will was thinking, and that he was very good at restraining his emotions.

There was this one time that he pinned me down and asked me to try my absolute hardest to get him off of me and I couldn't do it obviously and he said something to make the point that he was so much stronger than me, that I wouldn't be able to fight him back. (23:25-23:42)

Shelby isn't the only one Wilbur has pushed against the wall. The most famous example is Niki. (I won’t talk about this topic because I don’t know Wilbur and I’m not a psychologist and it’s not for me to judge his actions)

He had stopped giving anything to the relationship and he said that why was, because he was just waiting for things to change on their own. (23:57-24:05)

‌He said he also didn't have the time or energy anyway to do the things that I was asking for, but then would constantly make any bit of time and energy for anybody and anything but me, and he would say he wanted more quality time, so then I would try to arrange things for us to do online, because we were long distance, but then he would complain, he doesn't want to spend all of his time on the computer anymore and then we'd be there in person, and all he wants to do is stay inside, play games on his computer, watch movie, he doesn't want to go out, and I'm not saying any of this next part to be mean. (24:06-24:44)

‌He lived in filth, I've seen filth, this was the worst, he would spill things on the floor and never, literally never, clean them up, he got an ant infestation once and wasn't going to do anything about it, because he said bugs are normal in British houses, so I had to buy ant killer. He wouldn't clean his bathroom for months and months, but would constantly complain about how bad it smelled and I would tell him that's mold. He complained about being tired all the time, too which, I don't know if that was a lie or not, but mold will do that too, but he would insist that it wasn't somehow without having cleaned in months, but it's not mold. (24:45-25:36)

Mild depression is characterized by the presence of several symptoms over several weeks or months. In this case, patients often experience a feeling of fatigue, insomnia, loss of interest in life and activities, bad mood, and decreased self-esteem.

2021, Fundy`s vlog, Wilbur's house - bathroom, 2:49 minutes. From the footage we can see that this is Wilbur's personal bathroom. Only that the window in the next room was broken and a piece of wallpaper in the bathtub itself was torn off.

In 2021, Wilbur also began coming to therapy.

When I met him, he was washing his clothes without detergent, just wasn't using that at all and I don't know for how long before I met him he was just running it with water and then hanging it on his filthy kitchen cabinets, and I felt bad, because I felt like he needed someone to help him learn how to be cleaner, I thought he just didn't know how and I listened to all of the struggles of his upbringing, and I was like, he just doesn't know how, someone just needs to show him. (25:39-26:08)

Negligence — a form of violence when the vital needs of a person that he cannot provide on his own are systematically ignored.

Wilbur also said that when he lived with his father, he slept on the same mattress on the floor with his dog, did not bathe too much and slept in his school uniform.

But not more disrespectful than not even saying my name. I believe I am referred to as "ex girlfriend" so if you don't know who he's talking about, you might not find out what he did.

From the outside it is clear that he does not want to touch on this topic on the entire Internet; if it is discussed, then it should be discussed in person in front of each other. Also, at the beginning of his tweet, he wrote that those who read this probably know that they began to accuse him of abuse. And who could not know about this, if it was literally in the top search results on Twitter for several days. Moreover, this spread so much that even some Chinese began to insult Wilbur without knowing the full situation.

If Wilbur had started addressing Shelby on a first name basis, he would have also been confronted about why he was so careless about her name after all.

Of all the possible options, Shelby chose to make it public that she was abused and gave too obvious hints about this person to the entire Internet. She wanted to take revenge on the man. She clearly said it herself

«...because silence has always brought me peace, and this time it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace...»

She directly said that she wanted revenge. And in the end she just got hyped, and in 11 days with 967k she got 1m on her YouTube in a 10 year career.

The company that presented the Shubble merch went bankrupt, and as a result, the merch still has not arrived to some people who have already paid for it.

Shelby’s fans also started spamming everywhere so that people would support the YouTuber with subscriptions rather than words.

⬆️ screenshot taken on March 29th. A month ago, Shubble had 469,705 followers.

#wilbur situation #wilbur soot #shelby shubble #analysis #shelby situation

27 notes · View notes

taylorrepdetective · 3 months ago

Note

Any guesses for season 2? Living full time in KC? Going to all the games? Engagement?

As I’ve said before, I believe season 2 is the most likely scenario. I believe this because it has been so successful and I don’t see a reason for her to mess with success. And I see few signs of a change. And if season 2 does happen, a big part of it will be the constant anticipation for an engagement ( and pregnancy unfortunately.) Every appearance she makes at a game would involve the GP looking at her hands and speculating about Travis asking or them announcing it publicly in some way. This would be huge publicity for both of them, and for the NFL and Chiefs. Viewership and scuttlebutt will continue to be high. I haven’t paid too much attention this off season, but I believe KC will be the favorite to go to the SB again, so that’s another chance for huge, huge publicity for her. But it is a bit of a “been there done that” situation, so that should be kept in mind. I do not know what her next big project is (re-recording, TS12, documentary, hyping herself up as a director, or something else) but if she does have something (I think we can assume a re-recording by March, so that counts) this is her promo for it, just like she used it last year for eras tour movie, 1989 tv, and TTPD. Even if she has nothing specific to promote, there’s always her brand and the perception that she likes men, along with keeping her actual private life private. For him, he has his game show and the Ryan Murphy show to promote. Plus he’s trying to do a huge podcast deal and trying to get more similar gigs, especially a movie deal.

So, short term: she goes to games (possibly as early as this Thursday - romantically flying straight from London.) She will appear to spend the bulk of the next 2 months in KC. When he has extra days off they may do something outside of kc✅. I think he’ll have a few days after this Thursday’s game✅. I don’t have the energy to look up if his bye week coincides with a tour stop, but I looked in the past, and I don’t think it does. Basically similar to last year except he probably won’t make it to a show. She’ll probably go the VMAs.

However, while I think the above is most likely, I can see several different paths that would add something more fun and interesting (for me - I have been mostly bored by travlor since January.) For example I believe that whenever the breakup is planned (tomorrow or 4 years from now) she will do it in a hilarious and well thought-out way that I am really looking forward to. I think she’ll try to top her announcing the toe breakup by switching out Invisible String and then officially announcing it at midnight, Easter, London time, on Matty’s birthday, followed by all her friends unfollowing him one by one. I won’t dare try to predict the details, except I know I will love it. And that could be tomorrow or it could be ~October, if she doesn’t plan to do the full Super Bowl thing again. Again it could also be in 4 years or even never. I do not actually know anything.

Other interesting things that could happen include releasing the rep vault and we all lose our minds. She could come out as bi. She could get engaged. There’s the election, which I assume she’ll back Harris in some way✅, but I don’t know if he’ll be involved. I do not know any of this actually. It’s all guesses. But my guess have been very good since November so there’s no reason for me to doubt I’m mostly right.

There are a few clues I’ve been watching, some stuff that started in May, that tells me a break up in the near term could happen, and if it does happen, I will let you know what those clues were. And there’re few other things I’m watching for to add to that. But I don’t really see a breakup before October to be likely. Always possible, but unlikely.

#I’m tempted to say what things I’ve been watching and anticipating as my clue that an end is near #but I’m afraid to jinx anything.#but one of them has to do with instagram. that a breakup won’t happen until sometime after that IG thing happens #because it hasn’t happened is one reason I don’t think a breakup is imminent #when it does happen you can bet I’ll post the smoking duck emoji tho #I wonder if she’ll go on the podcast to help him with his deal. maybe Ryan

9 notes · View notes

beautifulpersonpeach · 1 year ago

Note

I definitely want to back up that anon who thinks jimin is still in the kitchen! In truth I think all the boys are and will be for a long time. I see chapter two as the introduction of their solo careers meaning "hey we are gonna be bts but also be ourselves sometimes too" I think every solo moment we've seen is the beginning which I'm for one super excited about. Imagine a wave of brilliant solo work one year and then phenomenal group work the next. Chapter two is barely a year in and it's already a visual and musical feast. I think jimin loves quietly preparing so he can wow us when he feels the time is right and while I too get tense with the constant radio silence I know it's cause he'll blow my mind the second he wants too. I hope people who feel as if Jimin didn't get a chance to show his true might feel comforted in that he will never ever stop wanting to gag tf out of us. And I think the sentiment holds the same for bts.

***

Exactly this. Up until a few months ago I thought this was well understood, seeing as how BTS has operated till now, but clearly I was mistaken.

For posterity’s sake, to beat this dead horse one final time:

Would it be nice for each member’s release to not have any of the issues they’ve had? Of course. But it’s possible to inform the company of said issues, address what we can for issues due to various platform errors not due to the company, while not losing sight of the fact this is only 2023. We’re still only in 2023. As in, we’re literally just one year into Chapter 2, none of the guys are older than 30, and they keep saying they’re in this for the long haul. And this is the same group that has shown over a decade that their plans are most often and best executed in multi-year stints.

It’s bizarre to think a member’s solo career is over or even damaged at all in any real way because of one or more problems that happened during their first solo release. It betrays such a myopic, winner-take-all mentality that you have to be in a very specific headspace to fully buy into.

Jimin is clearly happy and working. He’s not blind and is seeing what is working for other members and what isn’t. They’re all checking out each other’s solo endeavours from time to time, cheering each other on and I’d say making notes on what they too could try, what works and what doesn’t.

If there’s one thing that’s become clear to me over the years, and even more so in Chapter 2, it’s that BTS is a team. A real team. I’ve seen a lot of k-pop groups over the years and there is no group today, present or past, that would reach the heights BTS has if any of the members sought to harm or sabotage or lord shit over the rest, with or without help from the company. None of the BTS members would put up with that shit. Their egos are too big, they’re so obviously their own people, very ambitious and so aware of it that I really wonder if people actually listen to these men when they talk. They know exactly what they’re worth, and they trust that all the other members know it too. If BigHit showed any real favouritism, BTS is the last group to allow that if it’s not something they themselves have already agreed to.

They all know what they’re doing. And if they don’t, then they’re the only people with the tools to figure it out. All the angst and anguish over this or that happening in fan spaces, has no real effect on these men sitting somewhere in Seoul planning out everything they’d like to do as solo artists and as part of BTS.

That’s my takeaway after watching them for as long as I have. I could be wrong, but I’ve not seen anything to suggest that yet. I’m not sure how long you’ve been in the fandom Anon, or what you think about other issues, but it’s nice to see you and the other Anon share this perspective. It’s a view that’s widely accepted in the fan spaces I’m in outside of Tumblr, but one that is sorely lacking in this space right now.

For no reason at all, one Jimin that I hope one day shows up in Chapter 2, 3, or 4:

Sidebar - A friend (who isn’t religious) was asking another friend recently about religion, because she’s now desperate enough to seek divine intervention for Jimin to find blonde hair dye, and to love it again.

We all know his best hair colour is black, but it’s just as true that a solid case has been made for him being a natural blonde.

Okay, that’s it today from my gallery.

That colleague i mentioned the other day, the one that recently got into BTS and now biases Jimin, we’re meeting up this weekend with my other friend, the musician that watched the Grammys with me last year and fell in love with Jimin. That’s an example of two people still finding out about Jimin, falling in love with his music and him as a person, and starting to support him. None of the noise online actually has any real bearing on the impact of real life people still learning about Jimin through his solo music and through BTS, and becoming his fans maybe for life.

If anyone finds themselves feeling overwhelmed in fandom, please zoom out. Please take time away and get some perspective. Everything I’ve said is obvious, none of it is rocket science or gleaned from any special insight. The noise online can suck you in, to prevent that, please detach, go back to their recent and old interviews to hear what they each feel about Chapter 2 and their solo work, listen to all of what Jimin expressed during his promotions, the good and bad. You’d be left with fewer anxieties. At least, that’s the case for me.

Thanks for this, Anon.

#BTS #bts chapter 2 #jimin #park jimin #BTS fandom #fandom behaviour

56 notes · View notes

woomycritiques543 · 2 years ago

Note

As a lackadaisy fan who dropped helluva 5 episodes in, I think you’re overestimating the effect of the fandom has on things outside of itself because you are inmeshed in it. You don’t have the outside view. Don’t get me wrong, it sounds like a toxic shit show, but it doesn’t have a ‘monopoly’. If all it took to gain a monopoly in entertainment was to have a horribly rabid fanbase that won’t take the smallest bit of criticism, the history of indie entertainment would be very different.

(TW: LONG POST, mentions of Vivziepop's behavior, also if you're another lackadaisy fan that's curious about what's been happening over at the Hazbin fandom PLEASE DONT SKIP THIS POST!)

"If all it took to gain a monopoly in entertainment was to have a horribly rabid fanbase that won’t take the smallest bit of criticism, the history of indie entertainment would be very different."

Hm...

As a Helluva Boss fan who's seen how many views most indie projects have nowdays, plus what Vivziepop did here, especially since this wasnt just about the fanbase to begin with:

(Psst. Vivienne, these people got bills and families to pay for, so maybe dont try to push them away from other projects just because you like Hazbin Hotel? You can hire other people, you've done it millions of times before- let other projects thrive, and let them have different projects so they can be successful too! Far-Fetched barely has as any workers compared to you, so maybe stop being selfish and share the load so other projects can get all the help they can get? Especially when you rush out 5+ episodes a year and treat your staff like shit? So maybe... I dont know... treat them better so "A BUNCH!" of people from Spindlehorse wont think of even having to do so much extra work, day jobs and all, when there's 40+ million bucks sitting from your shows RIGHT THERE?! There's a reason why "a bunch" of people would be brought to do other projects at the same time. -and it's not because of all the red...)

I think it's pretty safe to say that theres an obvious monopoly going on. Why else would these episodes be getting 20+ million at a time, for years, while other just as good projects get next to none in comparison. Honestly, look at how much views, how many trends the shows follow, how much mainstream appeal, how much merchandising fills the "shelves" of Sharkrobot, how many episodes were shilled out in 2021 alone, how much it dominates the indie industry, and try to tell me that Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel are " not a monopoly!" Shilling out multiple Helluva Boss episodes full of softcore porn and bright colors a year to keep Spindlehorse's shows on top of the trending tag on Youtube EVERY YEAR SINCE 2019! -and end being what millions end up being reccomended. Though many people dont know that HB exists, many others do, and it's almost constantly being mentioned with indie animation while equally beautiful looking, or much better written projects get only 50,000+ views. Even in spite of Exxes and Oohs situation:

Season Two's premiere got 4+ million views in 15 hours.

While when I was watching the premiere of Exxes and Oohs with my freinds a couple of weeks ago after it premiered:

I noticed that it only had 1 million views in 5 hours, and then pretty much stayed that way throughout the entire week with only about 3 million for several days after Ep 1 had 4+ mil in only 15 hours.

While the premeire of Season Two passed 4+ million in LESS THEN TWENTY FOUR HOURS! -and the last episode is barely over it's despite being over 5 months apart. It's been a whole month, yet Seeing Star's views are still similar to when it was released and Exxes and Oohs is barely surpassing Seeing Stars despite a whole month having passed, while for Season One, in 5 months there would be 20+ million views and at times... more!

-and just to make this worse...

Hazbin Hotel.. a show with a pilot with over 70+ million views:

It's anniversary/sneak peak into the official show got only-

Get this...

THREE MILLION VIEWS!

-when FIVE WHOLE MONTHS have already passed and the fandom's still popular! While most of the previews for the pilot got OVER 3.5 million and the most popular being 20+ mil!

So it's really just people not caring to see the literal anniversary of the show since most were turned off by Helluva Boss or moved on because they grew out of all the stereotypes. It's got only about 0.8% of the views Hazbin's pilot has gotten despite the fact that people have been waiting for this show for THREE YEARS now and the fandom is bigger than ever. So even for that monopoly, it's slowly falling, and people barely cared about Hazbin's anniversary and release date reveal despite having waited for 3+ years.

So "Seeing Stars's" views has barely budged since release, Season Two's premiere has 20+ mil, but has also been that way since over three months ago, Exxes and Oohs only had 1 mil after even 5+ hours and onward, and Hazbin Hotel, a show with billions of fans, it's anniversary got only 3 mil- while the past season made OVER A YEAR AGO continues to receive views regularly. Meanwhile, Lackadaisy, had 6+ million in only TWO WEEKS while Exxes and Oohs barely got passed that in that time period (I remember it having maybe 5+ mil in about two weeks last time I checked, or even less that that.) and has been stagnant in views for 3+ weeks while Lackadaisy got over half of that in only 2+ weeks.

Which now makes it Helluva Boss's very first competitor.

While Murder Drones has Seeing Star's level of views after an ENTIRE YEAR so this is really saying something about the quality of Helluva Boss's latest episodes as Season One still skyrockets, the latest episodes stay stagnant even after 3+ weeks, and Helluva Boss now has a direct competitior due to this lowering in quality and just how many reviews are now criticizing it while Lackadaisy's reviews are majority positive with little to no hiccups in between.

Not joking, the first thing you get when you search "Seeing Stars Review" is thousands of negative reviews because of Vivienne, Adam, and Brandon Rodger's refusing to improve in their WRITING- you know... WHAT THEY WROTE ON A DOCUMENT?! The thing people have been CRITIQUEING?! Not "a personal, useless preference" but ACTUAL CRITICISM that they keep ignoring to look "near perfect" and to keep the monopoly going while other indie shows continue to get mediocure level views in comparison to Helluva Boss.

The views have been stagnant since near release. I remember seeing 17 million 3 weeks after it came out- and now it wont budge!

Yeah, im sure those statistics and thousands of people getting upset for actual reasons are "bad faith!" too. Adam- FUCK OFF! People aren't "bad faith" for telling you that using anti-black and fatphobic stereotypes in your show is awful! Also- you're show is now getting genuine competition so I suggest not being an egotistical jerk to your own fans and to actually listen to them for once before shit hits the fan and you have to further get hit by your own karma!

While look at all of the positive reviews Lackadaisy's getting!

Lackadaisy has almost all positive reviews, is catching up with Helluva Boss's latest episodes, all the other episodes in Season Two are also still static in views and Season One continues to get thousands on a daily basis, and yet is still- and I mean- still, Barely scratching Daisy's success! In comparison to how you'd think these "still being rewatched a lot" last episodes would be doing since this is HB, the monopoly of indie animation, that we're talking about!

So i'd say that Helluva Boss Season Two has been getting it really rough for the past 8 months in comparison to the success Season One still has, and even then, the first episode still has 54+ mil and yet most of the episodes continued to decrease by the millions each release. So even in Season One, the signs that people were losing interest were already there. -and Ozzies and Truth Seekers have just now caught up with Season Two's first episode (You know... the one people got hyped as all hell by but then lost interest once the episode started getting slammed for how terrible it was?) despite being the ones that are praised often, while Season Two's premiere has barely budged for the past year- making this a receipe for MILLIONS of lost views in total, and this is a fandom that constantly says "I binge watch the episodes a ton!" and yet Season One has barely budged in one and a half years. Its been in 30+ mil I think since last year... it's April now. -and they're now all catching up to each other and are about the same views, which would mean that they're barely going up by the thousands for ENTIRE MONTHS and Season Two, is getting even less because of the negative reviews from not a "useless personal opinion" but OBJECTIVELY BAD WRITING!

Season Two stays stagnant in views even after 5+ weeks and onward since the difference in views is that small.

THEY NOW HAVE A COMPETITOR! So Vivienne really needs to start giving a shit or WOOAH boy things are going to get intense!

So though Helluva Boss is still on top, it's falling over, and now has competition to worry about after only two weeks.

-and even then, it's still on top, because of Vivienne manipulating both her audience and staff into meeting constant demands and giving it constant praise regardless of quality under the threat of being seen as a "bad person" for not doing so.

Helluva Boss having almost billions of dollars in merch, 40+ million views with many of their episodes, a majority celebrity cast with little to no indie actors, Vivziepop having basically tried to put down Far Fetch from having any actual success by trying to not get her team with a show of BILLIONS of views to not work on it just because Hazbin is her "favorite project!" when these people have BILLS TO PAY and a FAMILY that can't be held up just by one project- which is why people like Erin had to work extra jobs, overnight, despite this show getting millions of dollars each day, in the first place! Yet to Vivienne, what mattered the most was her project, and not their lives. Which is the reason why she overworks her staff, and according to people who worked there, aren't even actually allowed to work on other projects, including Far-Fetched, either. While Far Fetched has not nearly as many people working on it and everything we see there has with has 100,000+ or less while Helluva Boss continues to monopolize the industry. (in case you're asking: Yes, it was also her supervisor's fault, but she's a million dollar creator, can't she just hire someone else instead of getting in the way of other people's lives other a cartoon show? Most freelancers do multiple projects, how else are they going to pay the bills?)

Yeah, Erin was lifted from a few things- but did they still have to work an extra job just to support themselves despite working for a 40+ million dollar show, did most people in Spindlehorse end up having to suffer even worse to meet those kinds of demands?

YES!

So does that make all the "Erin's not a real victim" or "Erin Frost's mistakes, as a human being, makes everything people say about Vivienne's behavior "not true" just because we beleive people who bootlick Vivienne but not people that she's hurt despite both people "only" using word of mouth. Except no, because no the ex-staff have evidence and yet the current staff who threatened to punch the people who spoke out about Vivziepop's behavior have nothing but word of mouth but we'll still beleive them just because they give us softcore porn! :D" comments now complete bullshit?

YES!

-and with Ashley Nichols in particular:

You'd think that Vivziepop would try to help Ashley... A LOT!

-since Ashley gave her projects millions of views in publicity and support with Hunicast and having actually worked on Hazbin!

But instead, Viv prioritized herself in the situation, fired all of her indie voice actors and replaced most of them with celebrities when she could have easily found other indie vcs but choose to use her status to get an actor from Grey's Anatomy and NORMAN REEDUS- and most likely will get more celeberties for Hazbin just because "famous = don't accociate with indie actors." appparently despite her main thing being "Support indie creators guys! :("

Vivziepop, again, pulling herself up while she's already been the top of the indie industry for the past 4+ years, while other projects continue to be pushed into the mud of a "cult classic" grave.

So in reality- Helluva Boss isnt "helping" the indie industry grow stronger, it's causing a monopoly which gets in the way of people's shows, their careers, their jobs, and even their mental health.

-and many people having little to no mentions of other projects outside of "Look at this pretty cool project I found- Ok, BACK TO HELLUVA BOSS AND HAZBIN HOTEL WOOOOAH LOOK THIS IS THE BEST INDIE SHOW EVAR!1!" is a literal monopoly in it's most capitalistic, trend serving, overproduced form.

Ashley even saw Vivienne trying to blacklist yet another staff member just because that staff member was upset about how much they were being rushed and overworked in order to meet even near the same demands, even with a few things being lifted since they have ADHD, they were still overworked, and for the rest of the staff it was even worse since they were overworked and bullied in order to meet the demands of said monopoly and stay in Spindlehorse.

Far Fetched got announced years ago- yet Vivziepop hasnt even mentioned it once as far as ive seen, she fired Ashley's partner and seeing how HB is, is likely going to replace him with an non-indie voice actor when apparently she could have easily kept them if she just paid a fee, when she has MILLIONS of dollars in support for her show now, lives in LA, and could easily use her platform to support THOUSANDS of indie projects. But as usual, she pulls herself up, bullies her own fandom by saying that they're "NOT A WRITER!" and "CANT UNDERSTAND WRITING!" for giving her any feedback and has basically manipulated her audience into seeing her and her shows as "NEAR PERFECT!" to continue said monopoly with HB's continous trending and high reviews regardless of quality. While other projects are only "secondairy". -and despite having worked on Hazbin Hotel, Far Fetched has gotten the average amount of acknowledgement for indie animation- Which, isnt much... at all.

Compared to that of mainstream shows, and especially Hazbin Hotel!

Yet as usual, Vivziepop manipulates her followers into contuining to put her on top regardless of her channel's ever reducing quality, and even views since it's lost millions since debut. With people constantly making excuses such as "ITS JUST BEEN UP LONGER!" and "ITS NOT LOSING VIEWS THE PANDEMIC HAS JUST ENDED AND PEOPLE ARE OFFLINE MORE NOW!"

Yeah-

Say that to how Lackadaisy has 6+ million in only two weeks despite being another show altogether, despite the show also having been produced in the pandemic since 2019.

It's been only two weeks yet it already has almost just as many views, and if this keeps up, will likely even have more than HB's latest episode while "EXXES AND OOHS!" has been only at 13+ since it was released. It barely has moved on inch in a entire month while Lackadaisy keeps going... and going... and going...

While Helluva Boss's latest episode has barely scratched the surface despite being just as new with only a month difference.

It's honestly messed up how Ashley was shafted after supporting Vivziepop and working for her after all this time. Same for all the other artists who worked for her. -and as Erin said:

-and seeing how Far Fetched is doing right now, this couldnt be any more evident of just how much of a capitalistic, worker mistreating, monopoly that Vivziepop's channel has become to the point where people who worked with her FOR YEARS still end up getting the short end of the stick or even outright harassed by her and her fandom, and she doesnt even defend them, she just... let's the bullying happen, let's her ex staff get slandered, let's her staff threaten to HIT THEM while only caring about shippings involving literal FICTIONAL CHARACTERS! -and last time I checked... going to the levels of not just trying to manipulate people into thinking that Vivienne is a "perfect little lamb" to gaslight people into not looking into how she treats her staff- but also THREATENING VIOLENCE over the fact that someone was actually honest about what was happening in Spindlehorse- Isnt exactly what i'd like to call "good treatment" of your staff since Vivienne let you do this to people. Hell- is- IS THIS EVEN ALLOWED ON TWITTER?! Is it even allowed for people on the platform to threaten to hurt someone on Twitter in their guidelines, hell, is it even legal to threaten to hurt someone like this at all?! Especially if it's being used to threaten people into not speaking out about actual workplace mistreatment?!

HOLY SHIT! Just let these people tell you that you need to do better, and going to the levels of threatening to hit someone for critiqueing Vivienne for her behavior even once and then going out of your way to call them "GLASS JAWED MOTHER FUCKERS!" is genuine hostility and honestly, I dont even think it's even legal to verbally harass and threaten people to this extent. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I looked into this and... yeah! What Monica did was against Twitter guidelines by threatening to hit people who were in the studio that said anything about how Viv was actually acting.

I also checked to make sure, but.... yeah, she actually wanted to hit people for saying that Vivienne was overworking her own staff by rushing and also having to work full day jobs despite Helluva Boss continuisly ranking in millions of dollars. Which means that they were getting a small percentage of pay compared to what ends up being used for Vivziepop's "spectacle!" animation. So this isn't just acephobia, but also threatening genuine violence towards people for saying that they don't deserve to be mistreated. This is vile.

Hell, even without those guidelines- it's disgusting that Vivienne let her staff talk to people this way and then also mistreated Spindlehose for all these years too. NO ONE deserves to be treat this way for speaking out, especially if all they're doing is saying what happened to them in a studio that they worked in, and the fact that everyone demonizes Erin Frost for a few mistakes but then lets Vivziepop's "favorites" threaten to HIT SOMEONE is actually horrifying.

Honestly.

Helluva Boss isnt even "INDIE" anymore, it just fills up space in the indie community while clearly being a million dollar, mainstream show that has Norman Reedus and other celebrities in it to give the "We're indie so we can do what we want just because we're smaller than Disney!" excuse to be assholes to other people for even saying something as simple as "tone down the saturation a bit."

It's a monopoly. A monopoly built on years of breaking trust, threats, more bullying, betrayal, prioritizing in fame over indie creators, worker mistreatment, rushed projects, fanbase manipulation, and it's why I have so much faith in Lackadaisy. It gives me hope, it gives me hope that one day Vivienne will finally get told to "WAKE UP!" through all that's been happening. That the monopoly will end, that the indie industry will become more balanced again, that freelance artists will be treated better and receive more respect for their craft instead of just being used to meet corperate demands. That hope... is why, that though I like Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, that I also wish for other creators to get the spotlight and that one day... maybe... just maybe... that a new franchise will take Helluva Boss's place.

So to answer your question:

Yes. By defintion Helluva Boss has become a monopoly. It's taking a large chunk of the indie animation industry, and the creators overworked their staff to meet high demands for it to get trending almost every year through high amounts of demand and episodes in 2021 alone. It's taken a large amount of control over the industry and it's come to a point where creators have to rely on supporting Vivziepop to even get a piece of what HB has. Honestly, how is that fair? How is it "fair" to overwork her staff and appeal to even the bottom of the barrels of trends to keep her show trending while most of the other indie shows on Youtube suffer for it?!

It's making the indie animation community almost as corperate as the very companies that caused these people to steer towards indie animation in the first place. Which is such a shame, because there's so many good projects out there- yet to be discovered by most people. -and yet HB gets the trending almost every time because it appeals to as many mainstream trends and porn accounts as possible through all it's fetish and ship bait content and mass amounts of merchandising, and from mass amounts I mean HUNDREDS OF PIECES OF MERCHANDISING every year, even after the show already has 40+ million dollars in it's budget so it's just capitalism and mainstream pandering at this point. The indie community went from going against corperations and capitalism to BECOMING corperate and capitalistic.

It makes me miss back when all we had mostly were just fun short films and play dough animations. It's like people in the indie community have forgotten why we even make all these animations in the first place.. Not just for money and sucess....

But for fun, to animate away from corperations... for fun.

#helluva boss season two #helluva boss criticism #lackadaisy #helluva boss critical #not putting this in helluva bosses tag since im not in the mood to be harassed and sent racial slurs by hazbin fans today.

72 notes · View notes

kazuwhora · 2 years ago

Text

An Unfortunate Fundraiser for my Beloved Fiona

hi friends <3 I’m currently sobbing as I type this, but I have nowhere else to release my emotions. over the past year, you have all supported me immensely with my journey of my lifelong soulmate of a cat fiona. if you’ve kept up with my posts, fiona has been by my side for 20 years, since I was 4, and in 2020 she was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. I’ve done my best at upkeeping her health since her diagnosis, and she’s far outlived her very first prognosis and I’m more than proud of her for pushing so hard and so long. however, her little body just cant support that immense spirit inside of her anymore, and my little body can’t support the constant anxiety and anticipatory grief that comes with wondering when the inevitable might happen, and how it’s going to happen. the fear of losing her while I’m away, or losing her while I’m alone without family to support me is terrifying and it keeps me up at night and keeps me away from even going to work. at this point, I don’t want to see her decline any more. I don’t want to see her any sicker than she is, or burden her with vet visits, and pain that she might be hiding from me because she knows how much I need her.

I’ve decided that at the end of the month, around January 27th, I will be holding a special ceremony at home to help fiona find peace and to relieve her of her duties of supporting me for my whole life. In order to keep her memory alive and to treat her body with the upmost respect as a thank you for everything she’s done for me, and also as a way of helping me mourn and keep her close to my heart, I’ve decided to go through with an at home euthanization as well as a pelt preservation (where a portion of her coat is tanned and preserved and framed so I can always pet her) and a skull cleaning (solely because I LOVE spiritual practiced and I think her body deserves the attention that goes into these services). I’m hoping to have a small little display with these mementos of her made after her passing, however with euthanization costs, time off work that I will need to recover, as well as the cost of these memorials, the money that I have set aside just isn’t quite enough. I know so many of you have supported Fiona in the past and I’m more than grateful for everything you’ve done to help get her this far.

I’m going to be setting up a ko-fi goal in hopes of raising even a little bit of money to go towards it, and honestly even $1 helps. And if you don’t have anything to give, please give your own pet some love for me. Give them a hug, a kiss, tell them you love them and give them a treat. Never take your time with your pets for granted, and never underestimate the strength they can have for you in their last moments. I’m gonna post some photos of Fiona here to share my love for her with you all, and to put her wonderful energy out into the world for good measure. please know that I will also be going on hiatus until after I’ve healed enough from this, but I will do my best to thank each and every one of you and keep tabs on everything going on!

THE LINK TO MY KOFI GOAL IS HERE

and thank you all for everything you’ve done to support us. My appreciation for you all is beyond words 🖤🧡🤍 please do share this post- reblog, repost, spread all you want!

61 notes · View notes

brenninthetaylorverse · 11 months ago

Text

I know most of you probably forgot about it but I haven't and I want to keep my promises so guess what! I'm bearing my soul to you people and today I'll finally be giving all the details of my album, melodramatic.

@dandelions-fly-in-summer-skies I'm gonna @ you in some more of my music like new songs because this is not my best work lol

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

album cover:

*the original image isn't mine, I literally got it off the internet and I never plan on releasing this, making an album cover and all of this is for fun*

tracklist:

1. the movement

2. crying in my bed at 3 am on a rainy tuesday

3. gospel

4. places i’ve seen before

5. people lie.

6. take another breath

7. long pause

8. my dreams aren’t real but my demons are

9. honey take your meds

10. is my family ashamed of me?

11. drama queen

the three songs (I had a few that has the same number so I get to choose on those lol PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE MY WRITING)

1. my dreams aren't real but my demons are

Sitting in my room on a regular day, wasting my life away. I think blue light is seeping into my brain. I don’t do anything anymore. I don’t even see my friends. And my room is dirty, I wish my Mom was here to bug me to clean it. And he said “You’ll be fine on your own.” Oh, but he was so wrong.

My dreams aren’t real. Sitting here wishing I had some kinda physical appeal, even looking in the mirror hurts. What can you do when you're stuck in a body that doesn’t even love you? How did the brain name itself and why is the brain so mean? And why is there a man dressed in all black outside my window, but only on Thursday nights? Because my dreams aren’t real, but my demons are. Getting into college, becoming famous, that’ll never happen but I can count on my sleep paralysis demon to be there when I need him. And it’s so sad because I’ve never hated myself more than I do now and they don’t care.

I can’t help but mope around, waiting for some big circus to roll into town. Maybe then I wouldn’t be the only clown. I get up on big stages, hoping every time will be different, but instead I get booed off. I’m not proud of my past and I hope this version of me doesn’t last. They say all I do is sing about the negative but what do they want me to do? Sing about rainbows and unicorns? I never will because I sing about what I feel.

Cause man, my dreams aren’t real. I can wish all I want for a big fancy house but come on, that’ll never happen. Cleverly hidden lyrics on the back of a cereal box. Whenever I’m at the doctor's office for the 7th time this month, all I do is stare at the clocks. I take 20 medicines a day and nothing can keep my demons away.

2. is my family ashamed of me (I am not suicidal I just want to preface)

They used to call me the good kid. They said to make sure I remember them when I get famous. They wanted some of my success. They wanted me to be somebody. And I can’t imagine dying without being famous. I want people other than my hometown to know my name. I want to be someone. Make a name. Get out of this town. And yet I’d be leaving behind everything I’ve ever known, till eventually I drown. In other words, in the fight for the crown. I’d come back and leave, do it all again and still not know where I want to be. 36, a crazy woman with a broken dream. Do I want that to describe me?

What happens when you give all the time and never get anything back? Do you run out of gifts? Of things to give? All the birthdays, all the christmases. All the lost time yet I was there. Do they hear the whispers about me? The grocery store, the gas station, in the eyes of the people who saw me grow up. I was gonna do great things but sitting here, I got one question. Is my family ashamed of me?

Would all the problems be fixed if I wasn’t born. If I never existed. Would they be happier, nicer, richer? What would it be? Give me a genie and I’ll waste my wishes and give me all the money in the world and I’ll be gone. Is my family ashamed of me? And it’s not my fault, I’ve been thinking ‘bout death. Can’t help but question this whole big thing, said no when you proposed with your dollar tree ring. I can never ask for help, I’m embarrassed when I see someone I know in public. And I hate driving slow, but I love having somewhere to go.

3. drama queen (this song has a few taylor references, whoever can point them all out gets a cookie)

I wish that you could go and unsay all those things you said that day. I wish I could undo all my actions and the reckless driving I did on the way. I know I’m partly to blame, I know that you always curse when you say my name. I think I know everything, but I’m just a dumb teenage girl trying to make her way. Do you think when I showed up to your party that was when I ruined everything? Do you think that my Mom is too pushy and she needs to stay in her lane? And why did you run away when I said those three words? All you had to do was stay.

I know you say I’m a drama queen. I know you say I think I know everything. But I thought you cared. I thought you liked it when I did that dare. I thought you were gonna comfort me when I cried, but you left me. If I died, would you attend my wake? Would you care if I threw it all away for the sake of our relationship? What if your future was in the bend, would you leave me then? Are you waiting for the moment to strike when it hurts the worst then leave my life speeding, while I’m forced to slowly follow the hearse?

I convinced myself that you were a brick wall and I was the sledgehammer. Breaking you down and fixing you back up but like usual, I was wrong. You are my David, I am Michelangelo. You wanted the world and I wanted you, we are not equal. I wanted you so bad that suddenly, I didn’t want you at all. What happens when you’ve been fighting for years but suddenly you lose sight of what you’re fighting for?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so that's that. also I put most of my lyrics in paragraphs so if you don't read it all, I don't mind lol. enjoy my friends.

#music #new music #musician #songs #music lyrics #fyp tumblr #lyrics #album #songwriting #song lyrics #fypage

14 notes · View notes

no1ryomafan · 3 months ago

Text

Since I start school tomorrow time for a random ZXG update!

As of now chapter 7 is completely done and chapter 8 is about 80% done, I just need to treat a couple of things and then I can finally start progress on chapter 9. Which means we are half way to the expected batch of chapters as I aim to keep them between 4, 5 and 6. (It all depends on how chapters are split but I don’t think they’ll be a split this time)

The estimated time frame for when the batch of chapters to come out was originally October but July I had some set backs-especially due to having a really shitty trip near the end-so it’ll likely be released in either November or December, it all depends if I have another month where I don’t write or I just don’t get the time to edit it.

Though as alluded to, my life will be getting busier with school along with other adulting stuff, as I still need to get a job-I hopefully will get hired soon-and learn how to drive, not to mention just seeing my irls occasionally. I don’t know what awaits for me later but I’ve always managed to find time to write so I’m not super worried, and it’s also not the end of the world if the chapter releases are pushed to 2025.

And to clarify: the reason I work on a batch of chapters instead of releasing it monthly despite this taking longer is due to my stupid brain makes it so I HAVE to release a chapter every month, I almost dropped my last chapter fic due to not working on it for three months straight sooo this is a much more healthier way to go about it.

Will this fic take years to finish? Yes. But will taking necessary breaks and not stressing to post often improve my mental health? It already so also yes.

Anyways I kinda turned this into a yap session cause I’m terrible about updates LOL but I wanted to give one and I want to thank everyone for the support on this fic, it’s not A LOT but it’s still appreciated- and if anyone wants to be a beta reader your always welcomed to, I’m open for more!

#meg text #getter robo #zxg #fanfic rambles #fanfic update #ao3 fanfic #ao3 writer #au fanfiction

4 notes · View notes

blxckdragonfly · 2 years ago

Text

Alkaline (Darkness Finds You Universe #4)

(Song: “Alkaline” by Sleep Token.

Warnings: Mention of overdose, suicide, drug use, slight smut on the page, and then some good old fluff af.

Pairing: Chris Motionless & Lycia Winters “Pronunciation of her name-- Lai-shuh” (Played by Ana De Armas)

Synopsis: After being consumed by the recurring nightmare that she gets every three days after the anniversary of the death of her first love, Marcus, Lycia opens up to Chris about the overdose that nearly cost her her life.

Word Count: 2,924

A/N: And we’re back! This is a pretty tough one to also begin with but I hope the romance that you read and the fluff afterwards makes this one easier to handle. I hope you enjoy. x Tiger Co-written with @blackrose-92

Spotify Playlist: Linked Below!)

Lycia and Chris’s Home: Scranton, Pennsylvania– March 17th, 2022.

Flames, they were bright as the sun– the tint of orange crossing my vision as I saw the silhouette of my first love and boyfriend, Marcus, every inch of his body being swept in them. The smoke filled my lungs and it hurt to breathe. I stood, frozen as the thorny vines wrapped around me, digging into my flesh when I wanted to move and escape.

“Marcus! Marcus, no! Don’t!” I screamed until I felt my throat become raw.

“Lycia. Lycia, hey. Wake up.” I suddenly hear Chris’s voice but it’s distant, the vines releasing their grip on me and I see a light in front of me, I follow that light.

I stir and my eyes open, making sure I don’t jerk my body as I see Chris in front of me. His eyes took on a look of worry. I wipe my forehead and I feel a warm sweat on my body, like I’d actually been too close to a flame. I feel his hand move to stroke my hair and he senses how warm I am.

“Oh, not again,” I grumble. “You’d think I’d be used to this by now.”

“Baby, this is not something you should be used to,” Chris said as I looked into his worried eyes, the warmth of the chocolate brown. “This isn’t normal, let alone healthy.”

“If you want to talk unhealthy, babe. You don’t even know half of it.” I say as I sit up in bed, leaning against the headboard, I see a look of intrigue come across his face.

“What do you mean, Lycia?” Chris asks as he sits with me. I take a deep breath.

“After Marcus died, the shock lasted several days. I tried to find ways to cope with the pain and then it just got worse after that. Even after drinking, it didn’t help. I went out with a few friends to a party and there happened to be a few people offering cocaine so I took some.

After the first line, it didn’t do anything. So I kept going until I was offered heroin. In my mindset, I thought that this had been the answer I was seeking. I lost a ton of weight and I was constantly tired. Until about a month later when that same dealer who offered me the heroin came back looking for payment. Even though I was loopy out of my fucking mind, I didn’t consent to what happened between him and I but he did it anyway. I remember him saying it was payment for the drugs. I couldn’t fight him off because I was so high on heroin.” I explained.

I see Chris look almost sick to his stomach and I see anger crossing his eyes– I know he wasn’t mad at me. I know he was mad about the situation.

“I didn’t care at that point. I wanted to die– I wanted to see Marcus again, even if it meant killing myself to do it. I filled the syringe up to the max and I injected myself with it. I wanted the pain to stop, so I begged to slip away without any more pain. My brother, Adrian, found me that day. He rushed me to the hospital while I was under, I had two strokes and a heart attack.”

Chris’s anger disappears and tears come up to the surface in his eyes, as if he wanted to grieve my almost death.

“I should probably stop, I can see the way it’s starting to get to you,” I murmured. I feel Chris take my hand in his own, he shakes his head at me.

“No, honey. Keep going,” Chris whispers as he takes on a brave face. I sighed.

“Even though I almost died, something kept me here. I didn’t know what it was at the time but as I recovered, I was told that I’d be transferred to a mental hospital, where I was put on suicide watch. I understood why though. The only option to get out was going to rehab, which I jumped immediately at and did everything I could to sober myself back up. Get back to a healthier mindset.”

I felt Chris’s thumb tracing the back of my hand, I could see that he was trying to be strong for me but even then, a single tear fell down his face.

Every once in a while, something changes

And she's changing me

It's too late for me now, I am altered

There is something beneath

“Babe, I know you’re trying so hard to be strong for me. I appreciate it, I do but you can let it out.” I whisper. He doesn’t say anything for a moment until he pulls me close, laying on the bed and wrapping his arms around me. I lay my head on his chest as I hear his breathing become heavy and he starts to sob softly. We clutch onto each other, shedding tears.

“I fucking love you,” He says as he sniffs, laying his chin on the top of my head. “I love you so much, Lycia. I��m so sorry that you had to go through such horrible shit like that. Don’t blame yourself for getting into those kinds of situations. You were in such a vulnerable state and the people around you took advantage of that.”

“I love you too,” My voice is soft as a realization hits me. I knew why I was kept here. I knew it all along. It was the man holding me in his arms. “I think I know what kept me here after all.”

I leaned in and I wiped away the tears that fell down Chris’s face with my thumb. Our eyes lock as I rest my forehead against his. “You. I would have never met you or fell in love with you if I didn’t make myself recover. You’re the best thing in my life, Christopher Cerulli. You always will be.”

She's not acid nor alkaline

Caught between black and white

Not quite either day or night

She's perfectly misaligned

Chris is silent for more than a few minutes and I see his face look so touched. He meets my lips in a tender kiss, I respond to him automatically, wrapping my arms around his neck– fingers moving through his blonde hair as he deepens the kiss. When he breaks the kiss, he keeps one hand against my face, thumb tracing my cheekbone.

“I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve had fans come up and tell me that I’ve saved their lives somehow with Motionless,” He murmured. “But this… This means the entire fucking world to me. Despite it all, despite the amount of pain that you’ve experienced, you still want to stay alive and overcome it. You want to be here and keep on rising. I’m so proud of you, baby. I’ll always make sure to be here for you whenever this time of year comes around. One way or the other.”

I'm caught up in her design

And how it connects to mine

I see in a different light

The object of my desire

My heart starts to flutter in my chest as I pull him in for another kiss, I’m so grateful for this wonderful and kind hearted man being in my life.

"I’m so happy I have you by my side, babe. You make me feel better everyday,” I whisper. I see a smile across his face as he moves in to kiss me again, he shifts so I’m on my back with my head on the pillows. I raise a brow at him and he chuckles softly.

“I just want to love you, right now.” My heart melts as he leans in and kisses me as he moves on top of me slowly, wanting to feel me against him as my arms find their way around his neck. He breaks the kiss and starts his trail down my neck, making my body stretch at the warm feeling. My fingers reached for the black tee that he wore. I pull it off of him, leaving him shirtless.

I will never fucking get over how hot he looks shirtless. He looks into my eyes, we both break out into smiles as his hand moves towards my face, the lightest touch against my jaw as he meets my lips again.

He reaches for mine and he carefully slips it off of me, our skin brushing against each other’s and it makes me shiver in pleasure. He moves his lips to my shoulders, a sigh leaving my own lips.

He takes his time appreciating the skin of my upper body, kissing the center of my chest and then moving to my breast, making me run my fingers through his blonde hair as he focuses on both of them slowly. His hands touch my tattoos until he brushes the scars on my arm.

Our eyes meet each other as I see him do something I’d never seen anyone else do, the gesture bringing tears to my eyes. He places his lips onto the scars, kissing them.

That gesture of affection from him made me want him as much as he wanted me. We waste no time getting the last of our clothing off of each other. He kisses me again before going down to my ribcage and stomach, tracing the phoenix on my hip once more as he looks up at me.

Ooh, let's talk about chemistry

'Cause I'm dying to melt through

To the hеart of her molecules

“After everything you told me, is that why you have this phoenix tattooed on you?” He asks. I run my fingers through his hair softly and I nod.

“Yes,” I say. “It’s my reminder to keep rising up from the ashes of my past.”

"Perfect," He whispers. He moves back up and with a warm and meaningful look in his eyes, he places a sweet peck on my lips before moving back down. I suddenly feel his fingers and I let out a soft moan, he grins at the sound that I make. He starts teasing me with his mouth too.

“Oh, fuck,” I whimper from the pleasure as he switches from using his fingers to his mouth, the way his tongue sweeps me making me cry out and he smirks because only he can make me feel this way. “God, Chris. Fuck.”

He looks up at me as he caresses my skin with his other hand as his fingers move back inside.

“I love it when you say my name.” He keeps his pattern going, pulling the best cries out of me. Whimpers and moans that nearly make me almost want to climax right then and there.

“Babe… I can’t. I need you. Please,” He pulls his fingers away and he moves back up, meeting my lips in a passionate and deep kiss before I decide to push him onto his back on the bed, taking him by surprise as I straddle his hips. I take both of his hands in my own and pin them above his head. He breaks away with a look of shock in his eyes.

“Well, Lycia. Goddamn. That was hot,” He says and I start to giggle.

Til thе particles part like holy water

If anything, she's an undiscovered element

Either born in hell or heaven-sent

Either way, I'm into it

I let go of his hands as I took that second to slide onto him, we both let out moans together. I start to move slowly, putting both of my hands on his tattooed chest.

He lays his own hands against my hips, guiding my movements and tracing my skin as our lips meet in a sweet kiss for a moment, our eyes never leaving each other as he starts meeting my movements with his own. He rests his forehead against mine, I lean down and bury my face into the crook of his neck as our pace stays in this gentle and passionate atmosphere.

“Babe... Don’t stop,” I whine softly as I see a seductive look cross his warm brown eyes, making me even more turned on if I could. I lightly pull on his blonde hair, a soft growl escaping from within his chest. He leans into my lips once more as he deepens our movements.

“Never, baby. Never.” He murmured as we kept our pace going until we reached our climax together-- me collapsing in Chris’s arms as we both were panting against each other. My head laying on his chest as I trace his tattoos with my fingers, his eyes closing at my touch.

“I love you,” I whisper as Chris runs his fingers through the dampened strands of my hair, placing a kiss onto my forehead.

“I love you too, honey. I always will.” I curl into his chest as he holds me close in his arms, never wanting to let me go. He rested his chin on my head as we both fell back asleep together.

She's not acid nor alkaline

Caught between black and white

Not quite either day or night

She's perfectly misaligned

I wake up later that morning to an empty bed, I glance around for Chris as I sit up in bed. I then see the most beautiful bouquet of my favorite flowers, which are Queen of The Night tulips, they're a type of tulip that are so dark in purple that they look almost black and a note on my nightstand, my heart starts to melt.

Had to head into the studio to finish the final touches on Scoring The End of The World. I’ll be home in a few hours with a surprise for you. I love you, my Lycia. Never forget how much I love you.

“You’re the best boyfriend ever, Christopher Cerulli.” I say as I get up out of bed, seeking a shower, a clean set of clothes and breakfast, which is what I do. I changed into a pumpkin orange crop top from Fashion Nova, a pair of ripped black skinny jeans and pulled my hair into a ponytail before opening up my laptop and answering emails, responding to Jeremy about who we should feature for next month’s Outburn.

I'm caught up in her design

And how it connects to mine

I see in a different light

The object of my desire

A few hours later, I hear the door open and close and my head snaps up as Chris walks into our living room with his hands behind his back.

“Hi, baby. You said you had a surprise for me?” I asked.

“I sure do.” He smiles as he sets down a black box with air holes in front of me, sliding it towards me. I hear what sounds like a whine coming from the box. I raise a brow at him.

“Did my present just whine?” I say and he shrugs at me.

“Maybe,” He says. “Why don’t you open it up and find out, honey?”

I kneel down and I open the black box and out pop two black pug puppies, their heads sticking out and looking at me with their big brown eyes. My heart melts as I squeal softly.

“Chris! You didn’t!” I hear him laughing. “Oh, they’re so adorable!”

I slowly pull them out of the box, I see that one has white on its chest and the other has white paws, the one with the white paws starts to lick my face, making me giggle.

“They’re brother and sister,” Chris kneels down with the pups, stroking the other pug gently. “Ricky told me he had a friend who was fostering pugs. As soon as he sent me the photos of these two, I knew they were perfect for us. I also knew that you’d love them.”

“I do,” I murmur as I look at him. “Oh, babe. They’re so precious. This is the best surprise ever.” I lean in and place my lips onto his, kissing him deeply as he moves to hold me in his arms. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more, my Lycia,” He places a tender kiss on my temple. “So, what should we name these two?”

“That’s easy. Fang and Luna,” I smile and he grins, kissing my lips in agreement as we watched Fang and Luna play together. “I love that they’re black pugs too. They remind me of Edgar, my friend Felix and his wife, Marzia’s pug. How did you know that I loved pugs?”

“I talked to your friend on Instagram,” Chris tells me. “Marzia. She told me how much you love seeing Edgar and Maya when you fly out to see her and Felix. She told me that Edgar was really close to you. She helped me with all the essentials on how to take care of pugs too. You’re very lucky to have such lovely friends like her. So I knew that I had to get these two for you so you can have a reminder of Edgar when you’re home with me.”

I couldn’t have asked for a more loving boyfriend if I tried. The fact that he spoke to my friends before surprising me with this… It meant so much to me that he cared so much.

“This is seriously the sweetest thing you could have ever done for me,” I told him. “You’re the best boyfriend ever. Words are failing me because I’m so happy.”

He smiles and kisses me sweetly on the cheek.

“Good. Because nothing matters to me more than seeing you happy.” I hug him again, listening to the sounds of Fang and Luna’s barks as I close my eyes against him, enjoying this wonderful moment of time.

Not acid nor alkaline

Caught between black and white

Not quite either day or night

She's perfectly misaligned

I'm caught up in her design

And how it connects to mine

I see in a different light

The object of my desire…

(PS: Meet their pugs! This is Fang and Luna! x Tiger)

#darkness finds you #chris motionless x lycia winters #chris motionless #motionless in white #chris motionless fanfic #these two though. man I love them.#Spotify

23 notes · View notes

tworoadsandapenny · 1 year ago

Text

What You Wish For: Chapter 16. The War Within

The boys have been through it. But I think it's finally time for some brotherly bonding.

~*~*~*~*~*~

It’s been 4 months. Four months, and it still feels like yesterday. I swear I can still smell the blood. Leo’s blood, all over my hands…

I’m still sore from the escapade in the warehouse last month, but everything’s healing alright. Doctor Donnie has been particularly vigilant with check-ups every morning and night (whether I want them or not). Mikey usually tags along, cracking jokes anytime he sees me getting too annoyed at the attention.

It’s the only time I really see ‘em. I stay locked away in my room for the most part, both for rest and because… I’m still not ready to face ‘em. Every day I say I’m gonna and every day I chicken out.

I just can’t hurt ‘em anymore. Can’t take Don looking at me like I’m a murderer. Again. Can’t stand the idea of Mikey looking at me like that at all. Sensei might understand, he understands everything. Though this wouldn’t be the first time I tested his limits…

One of my many cursed talents.

I release my anger in a sigh, trying very hard not to damage the walls anymore. It doesn’t matter what I think about lately, my mind always rounds back to self-loathing. I need to snap out of this. Leo said I needed to be here, needed to help the others. I still don’t have any clue how he thinks I can do anything, but I left him so I could try. I ain’t gonna let that be for nothing. Can’t.

My ears perk up as I hear voices down the hall. Doesn’t sound like they’re coming this way, but I freeze up anyway. I wait at least a minute to be sure they’re not coming to knock on my door (damn it’s sad how freaked out I get) before taking a breath.

It sounds like they’re in…

Quietly as I can, I walk to the end of the hallway, and I hear Mikey talking.

“I know, okay. I know… but…”

The pause is so tense I can feel the strain from here.

“He liked things clean. Just because he’s not here, doesn’t… doesn’t mean…”

Choking silence takes the room again. All I hear is one of them shifting his weight uncomfortably and one of them… wiping something? Petting something? What on earth are they—

“Try this.” Don says, a hint of resignation in his voice.

Curiosity gets the better of me, so I suck in a breath and chance a peak: with both shells to the door, they’re standing in front of the bookcase on the other side of the room… Dusting?

“It works best with a wet cloth. Keeps more of the dust trapped.”

They fall back into silence, meticulously making their way over every book spine and into every corner.

I whip back behind the wall. Can’t take looking at it. Looking at that pristine room that will never be slept in again. My fault. All my—

“There’s no more green tea.”

Mike must have offered the same confused look I felt on my face, because Don clears his throat to continue.

“Sensei and Leo are the only ones who drink it. The only two who know how to make it properly. I went to go make some for Sensei the night after we got back from the farmhouse and there was very little left in the tin. I tried to make it anyway, but it didn’t…”

The dusting stops abruptly.

“Leo’s gone… really gone. And it wasn’t his empty room or the quiet of the lair that made it hit home. It was the tea. That he’s the only one who knew how to make Sensei’s tea in the morning. And the dust in the dojo; Leo’s the one who cleaned it before his morning katas. And the books; he was the only one who would at least attempt to read a book I’d recommend. The only one who caught on to some of my literary references. The only one who…”

I hear him choke down a sob and I have to hold my breath to keep from punching the wall.

“I miss him tucking me in after a nightmare.” Mikey sounds like he’s on the verge of tears too. “I miss watching him train. I miss trying to sneak up on him while he meditated.” They both snort a quick laugh. “I miss hearing him tell us it’s all going to be okay. ‘Cause even when we knew it wasn’t, he was so convincing I always believed him.”

They pause—to hug or something, I assume—and I feel myself moving away. I can’t take hearing this anymore.

Can't take hearing them so broken.

Can’t take hearing about him.

“After everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve survived, I can’t believe it was a stupid bullet…” Mikey is full on crying now. I don’t know if it’s his tears or his words, but I’m suddenly at war with myself; my brain says run, run as far you can until your legs stop working and darkness finds you.

But my feet move me in the wrong direction.

“Why this time? Why couldn’t we get to him in time? Why was he the one who—“

“Because of me.”

I feel their eyes on me like darts on a target, probably as surprised by my sudden appearance as I am. Everything in me screams to get out of here. To stay silent. To never speak of that night again as long as I live. But here I am, standing in front of my brothers, admitting my sin. Because my instinct to run nearly got my family killed last month. I’m not about to let it happen again.

“Tell them…”

I suck in a breath and grind my teeth and force the words out.

“He was trying to bring me back to the warehouse to help you two, but I didn’t like that he’d come after me. Didn’t want to be ordered around.”

It sounds so stupid now. So petty. I’d felt entirely justified at the time.

I’d felt…

“I DON’T NEED YOU!”

My fingers curl into my palm before my hands start shaking. Hatred boils in me like a volcano about to erupt. Hatred like I’ve never felt for any of the villains we’ve ever faced.

Hatred for myself.

“So I did what I always do, I got mad. I shouted at him. Argued with him. Tried to slug him.”

I barely have time to process the fear in his voice as my fist flies through the air at his jaw.

“Suddenly I’m skidding across to the other side of the roof. He pushed me outta the way of something…“

Anger rises as I prepare the mother of all curses to hurl at my brother, who’s staring off into the distance, sword drawn and ready.

“I didn’t see it… I was so focused on being angry at him that I didn’t notice the sniper. But Leo did.” Leo always did.

I scan the horizon of roofs until I come across the intrusion; an lone purple dragon on the adjacent building, weapon lying limply in his lap, fighting to wrench free from the blade now pinning him to a chimney through his shoulder. Just barely above his heart. His frantic spasms last all of a minute before he stills entirely. Permanently.

“When I looked up, I saw the guy by the chimney with a katana through his chest, and Leo just standin’ there. He was… he was bleedin’… He—“

A chill runs down my spine as I freeze in place, staring at the watery puddle of red that’s slowly crawling towards me. For a minute, my vision blurs. Everything seems to shut down as I slowly look up, tracking the blood to it’s source.

Leo’s staring down at his hand by his stomach, eyes wide.

There’s blood dripping down his fingers.

Dammit. I slam my eyes shut and gulp down the sob that’s begging to come out. My fists are clenched so tight I can’t even feel ‘em anymore.

Run. Run away.

No! Just say it. Say it and be done with it. Be done with them. They’ll hate and curse and never speak to me again, but at least they’ll know. Might even bring them some closure. I owe them that much, at least.

“Tell them…”

“The bullet was meant for me. He pushed me outta the way… He took it. But it was supposed to be me.” I can’t breathe past the lump in my throat. My fist is itching for something hard to connect with. I wanna look up and see if they’re even still standing there, but I don’t dare. Can’t ever look ‘em in the eyes again. “It’s my fault.”

The denial nearly chokes me. It can’t be… there’s no way….

“Leo’s dead ‘cause of me.”

The minute his name leaves my lips I can’t stand being in the room any longer. I want to apologize, want to say I’m sorry, but it’s pointless. It doesn’t mean anything… it won’t bring him back. It won’t change what happened.

What I did.

I can’t fight it anymore. I’m half way out the room before I can blink and I’m shaking so hard I nearly run into the door on my way out.

I don’t get two feet down the hall before I’m abruptly lilting. My hand grasps at the wall to keep me steady, but the room is spinning and I’m not sure which way is up anymore. I hear shouting from behind me, and Mikey’s suddenly at my side with my arm over his shoulder. Don runs in front of me, his eyes searching to find what’s wrong. He’s talking—I can see his lips moving—but I can’t hear a word. There’s a ringing in my ears that drowns everything out.

Don’s eyes lock with mine. Those eyes that know I killed our brother.

I think I’m gonna be sick.

My lids close of their own volition as I feel myself falling.

“Raph… Don’t—“

Leo?

“Don’t shut them out. They’ll need…”

Fearless…

Darkness takes me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“You think you don’t measure up?”

“I know… you don’t need me.”

“Remember what I told you. That night. The last thing I said. Remember it. Please… never forget it.”

“RAPH!”

I jack-knife upright so fast it makes me dizzy. Like a top that loses speed, I tip over and fall back onto my bed, my eyes snapping shut in a futile attempt to keep the headache at bay. Flashes of memory from the last few days keep jumping in front of me like a movie trailer on fast forward. It takes at least a good two minutes before my mind calms down enough to think clearly and notice someone’s hand on my shoulder, trying to hold me steady.

Worried eyes behind an orange bandana are staring down at me, telling me to lay still. “…Mike?”

“I’m here.” No jokes. That’s never a good sign with him. “Stay still, I’m gonna go get Donnie—“

“No, don’t—” I go to grab his arm, but the sudden movement pulls something in my side, sending a shooting pain across my whole upper body. I can’t hide the wince as my hand goes for the bandages—I think I may have popped a stitch or two—and Mike sits right back down.

“You okay?”

I only nod, afraid my voice might give away how much this stings. Fortunately Mikey stays quiet for the next few moments while I get a handle on it.

Too quiet. Mike’s never this quiet. Not unless he’s really upset. Maybe silence isn’t the best policy right now. “What happened?”

He’s off in another world, staring at my bandages, so I move my hand and try again. “Hey,” He’s still eyeing my injury. “What happened?”

“It was stress.” Don comes through the door, his voice steady and low. I can’t tell if that’s comforting or ominous, but as he closes the door it feels like the latter. “Your body was so at war with itself, it had no choice but to shut down. Reboot.”

Admittedly I’m only half listening because it takes a good amount of focus for me to sit up after that incident; I hate talking to people while lying down, feels far too vulnerable. “How long was I out?” Just a question to keep them occupied. It's taking more effort than I thought to move, so I don’t want them to see me grimace as I trudge to the edge of the bed.

Definitely wasn’t expecting Don’s answer.

“Seventy-two hours.”

“Three days!?”

“Honestly, I don’t think it was enough. It’s only been a month since the warehouse and that stab wound was not minor. You clearly needed the rest.”

I feel their eyes move to my torso, staring at the bandages, and the room goes suddenly quiet. Still. Like someone sucked the oxygen out of the room and we’re all holding our breath to keep from choking.

I’m waiting for Mike to part the silence with a joke or a quip like he usually does, but he’s barely breathing. They’re both just there, staring at me and trying not to catch my eyes. I feel like a caged animal at the zoo.

Run. Run away.

The impulse is so strong, I’m on my feet before I catch the thought and stop it. It freaks my brothers out and they’re both standing with their hands out like their ready to stop me.

Brothers… am I even allowed to call them that anymore? Or did that privilege get buried up at the farmhouse too?

My chest tightens so fast I’m winded. I turn away so they can’t see my face. I should say something… but what else can I—what other words could possibly—“sorry” isn’t enough. Will never be.

“Leo’s dead ‘cause of me.”

My fist is in the wall before I can stop it. Need the pain. Need the connection to keep me here. Keep me from—

“I know... you don’t need me.”

Dammit.

“You still… don’t get it.”

Not again.

“It’s that I—“

I have to get out of here!

“Don’t shut them out.”

It pops into my head just as I’m about to book it for the door.

“They’ll need…”

“—You.”

Clarity comes a little slow. I only catch the tail end of Mikey’s sentence as he grips my torso.

“What?”

“Don’t go, Raph. Stay. Please. We need you.”

He’s not even looking at me. His face is buried in my side as he hugs me close, like he’s afraid to let go.

“Please…”

I… I don’t know what to do. I don’t… he shouldn't want this. He should be furious with me, should hate my guts! He shouldn’t be begging me to stay. He shouldn’t be waiting by my bed. He shouldn’t be here! I shouldn’t be here!

“Why?” I didn’t mean to ask, I meant to leave. But I can’t help myself. “How can you just… You heard me right? I killed Leo!” My voice cracks as I say his name, which only makes Mikey’s grip tighter. “I killed him…”

“You didn’t!”

Don finds his voice with sudden urgency. He sounds… desperate? I still can’t look at him.

“The Dragons pulled the trigger. Their bullet, their gun. And…” He swallows thickly, not even trying to hide the emotion in his voice. “Leo’s choice.”

My whole body goes rigid.

“He saw it coming and chose to protect you. We all know once Leo’s in protective mode, there’s no stopping him.” He pauses a moment, like he’s enjoying that last thought, before his voice gets intensely serious. “It was his choice, Raph. None of this was your fault. I… I never should have blamed you.”

My eyes snap shut. “You were right—“

“No, I wasn’t! I was angry and scared and hurt, and I thought blaming someone would make the pain go away, but it didn’t, and I never should have blamed you! The dragons set the trap. They’re the ones to blame. They—“ A shrivelled sob escapes him, and it makes my heart lurch. “They took Leo… they killed him. He’s gone because of… because of…”

The minute he starts crying, I can’t help myself. I grab his shell and pull him close, wrapping my arms around him in a vice grip. I half expected him to pull away, but he leans into it hard, burying his face in my shoulder as he lets the tears flow.

Mikey breaks down the minute Don stops talking, crying almost as hard and sobbing much louder. I move one arm to cloak his shoulders and pull him close as well.

And suddenly I feel something rattle loose in my chest. With a brother under each arm and tears wetting each shoulder, relief sweeps over me with such intensity my legs can’t hold me up. I fall to my knees, bringing both brothers with me, and I breathe deep for what feels like the first time in forever. They don’t seem to notice, only holding me tighter as we kneel on the floor of my bedroom.

I need this. I need this moment to be there for them and share their pain. I need this connection, this contact, this tether.

I need them. And they’re here. And for the first time since that night, the urge to run disappears entirely.

I pull them closer, suddenly terrified they’ll disappear like a dream. They both lean into it, crying harder and gripper tighter. Don must have felt the same fear because he abruptly blubbers quietly into my shoulder and throws a vice grip around my shell.

“Please don’t leave. I’m so sorry… It wasn’t your fault. Please Raph, please don’t leave us again. Please…”

I will never forget how broken he sounded.

My hand goes to the back of his head—Leo always did that when he got emotional—and I say with as much conviction as I possess. “I ain’t going nowhere.”

I promise.

“They need you, Raph. They need you.”

“I promise.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Previous < - > Next

As always, comments and critiques are most welcome. We've still a few more chapters to go.

End of Line.

-TRAaP

#tmnt #tmnt fanfiction #tworoadsandapenny #traap #tmnt 2003 #tmnt bayverse #tmnt 2012 #tmnt raphael #tmnt donatello #tmnt michelangelo #what you wish for #tmnt brothers #angst #hurt/comfort #brotherly fluff

7 notes · View notes