#I'm okay!! hopefully I can talk about this in therapy soon

[lunarleopardblossoms]

Becoming more aware of my ego is such an Experience. The other day I was looking at nail polish and I originally walked away from the aisle because I felt Bad when I held one to carry to the cash register (this is usually my sign to Not get something), but going to pay without them also felt off.

Then it hit me - the feeling I had when holding the nail polish was my ego telling me I shouldn't spend money on silly things for myself. So I went no, you're not winning today bud, and went to grab some AND found out that I could trade in points to get them for free, so I won twofold.

My ego thinks my true self is cringy. I can tell because of all the times I loved something so dearly but was too afraid to express it. Even when people didn't have bad responses I still wanted to keep everything in. In my games education I held back on talking about my favorite games so much, because my ego kept telling me I was not a 'real gamer' if I didn't play certain games; if I didn't spend hundreds of hours playing. I wasn't allowed to speak about it unless I was an expert.

The amount of times I saw people online expressing their love for something freely and I felt envious, it's heartbreaking. My ego has always told me to hold back, is always telling me how others will feel about things I do before I even do them. They always want me to know more. Be better.

I want to just be.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #308

Like most Tuesdays, I had entirely too many appointments today. One was for psychotherapy. Another one was for physical therapy. And the last one was the regular dentist.

Regular therapy was interesting today. I spoke for a full hour and a half about things I dare not speak of in this space (at least until you're safe). It was… cathartic to say the least. I spoke at length about the way I perceive the world; it's definitely not normal, so there's not a whole lot of folks I can talk about it with. My therapist understands it when I speak, and that's amazingly refreshing.

…Before you ask - no, I don't wander around having hallucinations or whatever. Due to my experiences growing up, some of my perfectly normal human senses are sharper than they ought to be, and sometimes that's a problem in certain contexts. I won't explain any more than that, at least not yet. Maybe in a few years, depending on how things go for you. We'll see.

That said, something tells me that maybe you already know what I'm talking about. Or maybe not. Who knows; it's not as though I'll ever be able to ask you and find out.

…

Physical therapy was after that. I got a new exercise that I think works the rhomboids…? Or something around there. It's very unpleasant; it hurts to move those muscles. But I gotta; if nothing else, the results of doing it will help K understand what's going on a little better, hopefully.

…And then the dentist. The outer surface of the molars on the upper right side of my face feel like they're being stabbed to death with white-hot needles anytime anything touches the white of the tooth near my gums. I guess my gums are a little bit receded there for some reason, and also those teeth are being moved around, and so parts of these teeth that aren't normally exposed are now exposed. Apparently the sensitivity will go away with time. I hope that's true. I was given a special toothpaste to help. I really hope it works.

At very least, though, the pain I'm experiencing isn't the result of something rotting - to make sure of that was the whole point of this appointment. It's annoying, but I can deal with the pain until it stops being a thing. Hopefully it'll stop being a thing relatively soon.

There was a great big gap of time between physical therapy and the dentist - like 2 hours. But both physical therapy and the dentist are in the same relatively faraway town. So rather than go to physical therapy, go home, only to go back, J and I just chilled out nearby. I found a nice park:

...I wonder... would you sit with me here?

...A swing is a lot of fun. I wonder if you've used one before. If you haven't, then I hope you get to try it; I think you'd like it a lot, actually.

J was still in the building working at his computer in the presence of the free Wi-Fi. I was by myself. So I sat on the swing and enjoyed swinging on it for a while, wishing you were here with me.

...I know it's impossible. I know. It's okay.

My hands started to get sore from the chains, though; it's been a long time since last I've used one of these on a regular basis. So from there, I wandered around, taking pictures for you:

...I found a hat, too!

...It was a very pretty hat. I'm sure someone must be looking for it, so I left it there; there doesn't seem to be a lost-and-found anywhere, and no more visible place to put it than this. I really hope that whoever lost it will remember where they left it and come back soon to retrieve it.

...I don't have a whole lot more to write about today. I had to be at a lot of places and do a lot of things, so I'm pretty tired now. I don't have any big or insightful thoughts to write to you; just lots of pretty pictures of autumn, and a brain that is not quite soupy, but is approaching that general direction, for sure.

...I hope you're okay where you are. I wish you could tell me that you're okay, or that you're gonna be okay. I get worried about you; I can't even begin to imagine the difficulties you're facing now. All I have is the wish that I could somehow help you through them; no one should have to go through difficult things alone.

Well. I guess I'll end this here for today before I start rambling or something.

I love you. Please stay safe out there, okay? I need you to come back to us safe and sound. Because lots of people need a friend like you. And even if that wasn't true... I would certainly enjoy a friend like you. Because then we could go and play video games and take neat pictures of things and eat tasty snacks and talk about all kinds of cool stuff.

I'll write to you tomorrow. So keep doing your best out there. I'll be cheering for you from here.

Your friend, Lumine

[tobiasdrake]

Halara's turn for one final hangout sesh. Hopefully they won't break my kneecaps for failure to pay my debt.

Public space. This is good. It's hard to murder me in a public space. Then again, this is the same cafe where Fubuki drowned half of the clientele, and they still speak of her in glowing terms as the greatest barista that this place has ever known. So.

Oh shit, that is what this conversation is about. Look, if you give me a few more days, I can arrange for travel out of town. And then it won't be a problem anymore! For me. Specifically.

That's not true. I have a great plan. A fantastic plan, as a matter of fact. My plan is to hope the collapse of civilization happens soon and wipes out my debt so that I no longer have to repay it. Like most people struggling under late-stage capitalism!

My backup plan is to eventually die, causing all of my lenders to get screwed. *smug*

Because this is an elaborate ruse to justify a social call. Halara doesn't have friends. They have debtors. And they don't hang out with debtors. They meet to discuss the debt with their debtors.

Notice how they didn't answer the question? "Why are we meeting to discuss the debt in the cafe instead of the office?" was the question, but Halara explained the unbolded part which was never in question to begin with. They're waffling around the subject.

*nods sagely* Ah, of course. The Neo World Program.

Wait, no, what are you talking about? What kind of program is it? Like a social program? Magnifying glasses for tots?

OH MY GOD I LOVE IT.

Of course. Of course this is about cats. What else would it be about besides cats? Cats are Halara's hyperfixation. I love it. I'm about it.

I love this side of them. They shake people down for money so they can privately fund a feline rescue program. That's the best kind of awful.

Gentrification would hit different if the mafia was chasing you out of your home to build a wildlife refuge. Or an animal shelter. Or one of those puppy therapy places where you heal people's trauma by playing with cute baby animals.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Halara has put me into financial debt to fund their kitty dreams. And now, as a sincere gesture of our growing friendship, they've asked me to one day inherit their emotional debt to cats as a concept.

Asking the important question here. You're not offering me something; You're requesting that I take on your burden.

Okay but still. Does it, though? C'mon, Finance Them-slice. Meet me at the negotiating table here.

It's so hard to say "You are my friend and I value you" in too cool for this room language. Halara is attempting to have an intimate moment without compromising their hard-forged image and it is not going well.

And now that this incredibly awkward moment is here, they flee back to the comforting shelter of our meeting ruse. ^_^ Sure, buddy-pal, I'll get on that once of these days.

Can you imagine how heartbroken Halara would be if Yuma did somehow manage to pay his debt? How would we ever hang out together if they didn't have this excuse they could make for it?

I did not like Halara when we first met. Matter of fact, I accused them of murder. Said a lot of unkind things about them in the process. But they've grown on me a lot as I've gotten to know them and see behind the veil.

Suffice it to say, it's not that I don't like Halara but rather that I don't like Halara's persona. There's a genuinely interesting person hiding beneath the theatricism of a callous, unfeeling capitalist. They pretend to be a much shittier person than they actually are. Not unlike Desuhiko, as a matter of fact.

Fubuki's still my bestie but Halara's become my favorite character. Assuming the Master Detectives don't get killed off in a bloodbath of a finale, Halara's the one I'd be most interested in seeing a "Where do they go from here?" sort of sequel for.

The fact that they're our team's #1 cop-smasher helps too. I could watch Halara take apart Peacekeepers all day.

[nomeaynfoeye]

hello! i saw that you followed me (whether it be on accident or not), so i decided to check your blog out. ive read a couple of your vents and that one post you reblogged talking about things you were fine with people putting in your inbox. so i would like to, if i may, comfort you!

im so sorry these things are happening to you, but you have to keep pushing! ive been through the trenches before, and have even almost attempted suicide. but now, while i am still not in the best shape (i had a really bad meltdown just a couple nights ago), i have gotten so much better. ive gotten help, started talking to friends, and ever since i have actually been able to find happiness in some things. while finding happiness is a VERY long and slow journey, just remember that theres always a light at the end of the tunnel. if you ever need someone to talk to, dont be afraid to shoot me a dm. ill be here for you. im trying to be there for everybody, and guide others out of the trenches where i once was. even if i cant help you, there are many websites and helplines that are made up of professionals who are MUCH better at helping people than i am.

p.s. im so sorry if this is incoherent, its 7:30 in the morning

hopefully things get better for you very soon! <3

ohhhh my fucckinf god,,,, this means so so much to me thank you. and don't worry about the typing it's like 6 over here lmao

yeah i've been struggling with my mental health, and we're also in the middle of moving so of course, that makes things all the more stressful. over all i'm doing pretty okay, but when i'm not, it hits HARD, and we're currently looking for treatment options via therapy and medication. i'm sorry that you've been through something similar to me. but i'm glad that you're looking for solutions too

but hey!!! we're getting a kitten today, so it's not all bad.

here's the little guy! we're picking him up after we finish up moving today. his name is Tsar Zerachiel Pottypaws

i hope maybe we can be friends! thank you so much for checking in

[regular-lord-reckoner]

well, what a week this has been !!

our downstairs ac unit and our water heater decided to tear up at the exact same time !!

so, i spent a good chunk of yesterday just cleaning out the space to get the water heater so my mom wouldn't have to do any of it later

that was one good thing about it being 59 degrees down there! the upstairs one still works just fine but like....hot air rises so i even double checked, but yeah, 70 degrees with the fan on and it didn't do a damn thing for the downstairs so

anyway

i got it all cleared out and a plumber is supposed to be on his way now. he had some emergency cases come up but said he still wanted to come check it out.

my dad had told my mom that the water heater was going to go soon, so we kinda figured. i have taken two...very cold showers this week but it's all good. made the pink stay in my hair longer so there's that

had therapy after that but it was a good session so that was nice. she said i was doing better than i was a year ago and i guess i can see that. even a little bit of progress is still progress and even if i'm the only one that sees it

mostly what i've been dealing with is just...exhaustion. with all this wacky thermostat shit there have been so many nights the aux heat has kicked on downstairs and made it insufferable upstairs so i wake up at like 4 am and just can't get back to sleep

i've been working 50 hour weeks pretty much nonstop for months now but i'm trying to at least not get so stressed during the work day, especially when doing chores eats up all my time like it did yesterday

i ended up having to do all the work i was supposed to do yesterday today which ended up taking all day but i just took my time for the most part and tried not to get too overwhelmed for no good reason

good news, though!! i got it all done. i've been trying to help out my mom more since this whole neck/arm situation started a few weeks ago. i hate that she's been in pain for so long and we still don't really have any concrete answers.

her pcp just wanted to talk about other shit besides this injury but she did at least order an mri which i'm going with her to get done tomorrow so hopefully that'll give us some answers or at least figure out what to do next.

she's been able to get some relief but not entirely and it's also been causing her to lose sleep so we're a pretty sad bunch by the end of every week the pair of us but we're pulling through !!

in the mean time, someone did come out earlier about the ac and i think it ended up being something about the compressor? they'll have to order a part so it'll be sometime next week but i think the weather is supposed to get warmer then so if it takes a minute i think we'll be okay because i can then at least run the cool air upstairs and it should be fine downstairs

mom's keeping warm by the fireplace and has a heated blanket as well and she said at night she can run a little heater in her room and it works just fine so we'll be okay with that and i can take more cold showers if need be especially if it does heat up that's no problem

wild how the other day it started out 70 damn degrees and humid as shit and then it rained and dropped down to 40 degrees immediately

can't wait to see what kinda interesting spring weather we're about to have. also can't believe it's already march holy shit

the way i'm perceiving time these days is just completely and utterly fucked so that seems especially unreal to me

alright, i think i've rambled enough for now and i've typed a lot today so i'm going to give my fingers a rest (lol) and just scroll for a while, turn this old brain off as best as i can even though it never goes off completely

hope it's a good weekend for you if you're reading this, even if you have to work or have some other bullshit you don't want to do. try to get some rest somewhere in there and so will i <3

ps: plumber just got here !!

[ausbutlerhq-musings]

therapy with laney #1 | austin self para

WHO: Austin Butler & Lainey Dowder (licensed therapist) WHEN: August 21th, 2023 WHERE: Austin's house SUMMARY: Austin has his first phone visit with his therapist. TRIGGER WARNINGS: Death, suicidal ideations, substance abuse, childhood abuse, mental health issues

Austin could feel his stomach flipping as he waited for the appropriate time and kept a watchful eye on his phone. He knew this was easier than going to see someone in person - and much quicker too, although he knew in the future he should probably bite the bullet and go see someone face to face. He was doing this alone though - no partner to hold his hand, no parent or sibling or even a friend to drive him. He sat in his office at home, with his phone and no one else. His thoughts faced and he'd already gotten queasy that morning, not knowing what to expect from the first step of many steps down a road that would hopefully make him feel better - that would help him to understand what he was so scared of and how to fix it.

Austin hit the answer button when the call came in from "Laney Dowder" a licensed therapist in the state of California. He'd found her at random, read her reviews and saw she had a cancellation and booked as soon as he could after his birthday ordeal. He heard the click of the other line and heard a gentle voice on the other end. "Hello, is this Austin?" she asked. "Hi, yeah that's me," he responded. Okay, first sentence down. He took a deep breath, very audible on the phone and nodded to himself. "Well, it's very nice to meet you. I'm Laney Dowder, a license therapist. I see that you found my profile online and chose to make an appointment with me. Thank you for trusting me. I can tell you a bit about myself." Laney went into detail about her life. She had a husband and some kids and a pet dog. She went over her educational background and shared with Austin what she liked to do in her spare time. Austin had to stop and think when she'd asked him the same questions. "Well, I'm Austin. I'm technically single but I do have a long term, long distance, low commitment, casual girlfriend," he decided to joke lightly. He received a genuine laugh from the woman on the phone. "A Barbie fan? My girls loved that movie!" she commented. He laughed, feeling a bit more comfortable. Okay, so she did the same things everyone else did that summer. "Thought I'd try to lighten the mood a bit," he said, biting his lip although she could not see it. She appreciated it and complimented him on his sense of humor in a professional way. "No pets right now. I graduated from high school and I've been an actor for about twenty years. I began doing background work in children's shows and now I've moved onto some movies and television shows, I try to keep myself as busy as possible." The two talked about what he enjoyed doing in his spare time and he could hear Laney jotting down notes as they spoke.

"Okay, so - we've made our small talk and we're getting to know each other. What brings you to me today?" she finally asked. "Um," he trailed off. "I have some problems. I have issues with avoidance, I have issues with feeling indifferent, I have anxiety that I can't really control," Austin listed off. "Okay - and would you say that you have episodes of panic? Panic attacks?" Austin bit his lip. "Yeah, definitely." She wrote more. "And how often would you say that you experience those, if you had to guess?" she asked. "A few times a week," he admitted truthfully. "Okay and let's focus on..childhood. Was it good, who did you grow up with?" Austin chewed on his lip as he thought back. "It was pretty good, I guess. Not super typical but both of my parents loved me. My sister, Ashley too. Ashley is five years older than me. My mom and dad got divorced when I was six," he explained. "Divorce can be quite traumatic for a child that age, were they on friendly terms while you were growing up?" Laney asked. "Yes. My mom was in an abusive marriage at one point and my dad took us back into his home. They ended up being like best friends more than anything, it was really nice for us growing up," Austin admitted. "You said your mom was in an abusive marriage? Was this physical?" she asked gently. "No, it was emotional and verbal." She jotted down more. "And was this man ever physically, mentally or verbally abusive to you or your sister?" she asked. Austin frozen a bit and shook his head slightly. "I - I don't really want to talk about that," he admitted. "Okay, no problem. We'll move along to the next question. How is your relationship with your sister and your parents now? How would you describe it?" Laney asked. Austin swallowed and took a deep breath. "My sister Ashley is - one of my best friends. I've been distant from her for some time but she is the most lovely, wonderful sister anyone could ever ask for. She is kind, compassionate, generous, loving - I couldn't ask for a better sister. My dad lives in Arizona now, I don't see him very often but when I do it's always positive. He keeps to himself and I do too, we're a lot alike in that way. And my mom passed in 2014," Austin revealed. "My condolences, I'm so very sorry to hear that," Laney said sympathetically. "May I ask how she passed?" Austin nodded to himself. "She was sick. Diagnosed late stage and - in a couple years it was over," he stated easily. "Oh, how terrible. I'm so sorry again. How was your relationship with her during her time on earth?" Laney asked gently. "Wonderful. My mom was my hero, my best friend. So wonderful, no amount of time would've been enough with her," he said, his voice getting quieter. He heard the pen jotting down more notes.

"Romantically? You said you have a complicated situation, is what I'm getting from your Ken reference?" Laney asked. Austin could hear her smile on the other end of the phone. "Yes - you could say that. I uh, dated this woman for about a decade. We broke up in 2019 and I've been pursuing her again for a couple of months," he explained. "May I ask what caused the initial breakup? Ten years is a long time to be together." Austin chewed on his lip again. "I ended up booking a big movie and I went method. Kind of became my character. My girlfriend didn't make the cut and I started to have inklings of developing feelings for my costar and couldn't ever cheat on my girlfriend," he explained. She hummed and made more notes. "I see. Okay and where does that leave you two now?" Austin shifted a bit in his seat. "That's a good question. Um, long story short I'm trying to get her to fall back in love with me. Because I want to marry her but she is scared," Austin explained apprehensively. "You want to marry her?" she asked softly. "Yes, I do. Badly. I want to marry her and have kids with her. I deeply regret my past choices and mistakes and have been trying to work hard to make it up for her. Being here today is a big part of that too," he admitted. "Okay - now to get a bit heavier here. Have you ever been suicidal or struggled with suicidal ideation?" Laney asked gently. "Ideation," Austin repeated. "Yeah, I've been there." She nodded. "Do you have a history of self harm?" she asked. "No," he answered simply. "Okay, what about substances? Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes?" she listed off. "I've never done drugs aside from marijuana. I drink, sometimes. I drink normally, socially, a little more than socially," he decided. "And yeah, I smoke," he confirmed. "What do you hope to get from therapy?" Laney asked. "I think..I'm hoping to learn what's wrong with me and maybe how to get a grip on my feelings better or more efficiently. I have a hard time dealing with big or difficult things and I tend to run away," Austin explained. "And what would you like to accomplish in our future sessions?" the therapist asked. "I would like to..learn how to cope with the symptoms that I have so I can be a better brother, boyfriendish person and friend to my loved ones," he confirmed.

Laney wrote some more and cleared her throat. "Excuse me. Okay, well - I think therapy could be very beneficial for you. We need to get to the root of some of these problems you are having and figure out some new ways to help you deal with your stress that maybe aren't quite as self-destructive to yourself and the relationships you hold with others," she explained. "Does that sound like a good goal to have for our future sessions?" Laney asked. Austin nodded, although she could not see him. "Yes, that sounds great." Laney clasped her hands. "Awesome, okay. Well would you like to come in the office in a couple weeks and then we can meet face to face and talk more about everything?" she asked. "That would be great, thanks." Laney closed her notes. "Okay, lovely. Well, thank you so much for speaking with me today. It was great meeting you and I look forward to our next session. Do you have any other questions for me?" the therapist asked. "I don't think so, but thank you for your time." Laney smiled. "Of course, thank you. Take care," she said. "Thanks, you too."

[formulapisces]

that sounds serious :( I'm switching in to worry mode until futher notice. I hope everything will be okay and that you're feeling better soon <333 hopefully a healthy shaped poppet is on the way!

I follow like.. 5 f1 accounts and everybody just has weekly meltdowns over him. I understand it! I saw the light this year, and fully support people being horny on main!! he was still too baby last year, but now he looks like a man

hearing jv on the radio in qatar just ffkkgvkg brr I think I need him to tell me everything will be okay, that he'll look after me😭😭😭😭. I just know he gives the best hugs too. one jv hug would be equivalent to a year of therapy I think. can you tell I'm going through it?

>:( why weren't you wearing your glasses? I fully get the forgetting to drink all day though and it suckssss. what films did you watch?

🦇(currently experiencing adhd freeze :/)

😭 i feel like i’m being talked to after class by the strict teacher 😭😭 i’m sorryyyyyyyy 😟

i don’t want to go into specifics but it’s not a serious thing so you don’t have to worry 🤍 it’s just that the thing which is basically causing the low iron is still bad and we’re figuring that out, so for the meantime i’ll probably just need a higher dose, that’s all 💜

my entire dash is in flames, alarms blaring, police called, gunshots, buildings collapsing, people fainting, this man has broken us today 😭 the hornyposting is chronic at this point.

i need him to just give me a cuddle SO BAD 😭 i will give ANYTHING (within reason) FOR A SINGLE HUG WITH THAT MAN. i think i’d break down in tears and embarrass myself BUT i know he’d be so nice about it and UGH i want to cry just thinking about it:( i need it. just 1 JV hug would be everything to me.

i was wearing them for the first part of the day but they were annoying me so i took them off 😅 i watched insidious, the blair witch project, and the menu 🫣 the menu got me feeling far too existential so i turned on f1 as soon as it was finished 😭

- alèssi (also caught off guard by the adhd freeze)

[jakeperalta]

Hi! I just wanna share my The Good Witch opinions with you I guess! So I liked it better when I heard it on my second listen..compared to the first. I think it wasn't what I was expecting for some reason..like it was very poppy and mostly a breakup album and the first songs kinda blended together maybe? I liked the second half more for sure..but the Band and I and You're Just a Boy were okay too. I feel like Wendy and Therapy were the only songs that stood out on the first listen. I also enjoy There it Goes and History of Man more now. But it was just weird that I didn't love a lot of songs right away? They were good..but actually didn't make me feel that much. That could be cuz I can't relate to breakup stuff..I prefer like Two Weeks Ago or There it Goes I guess but that might be a personal thing. I wasn't expecting a lot of songs about a breakup from the way she talked about it but I guess the singles were like that too so idk. I think it will grow on me more now that I know how it is. But I also listened to Kelly Clarkson's new album that's basically a divorce album and I enjoyed it..so i still like some breakup songs so idk why my reaction was like that. I still like it..and think it's catchy, like with BSC or Run..lol. I'm sure I'll love it more soon though, and maybe my expectations were high.

yeah I get what you mean, it's overall more poppy and upbeat than i was expcting and i didn't necessarily expect a complete breakup album either. especially because ysuft was quite varied in the song topics, whereas this is a lot more focused (which isn't a bad thing, just different to what we've had from her before). with coming of age then watch i did kind of think i hope it's not just this sound the whole way through, but then it did vary enough for me. some of them the production did have to grow on me a bit, like the first couple of times i listened to wendy i was sort of wishing it was an acoustic track but now i can appreciate the sound it has. hopefully it will grow on you more with time!

[lauryn-order]

You are not the worst for having life happen and losing an ask for a couple of days. I am the last person right now who's going to judge for Life happening it's just how it goes sometimes.

I do have some more updates apparently it is really weird to get diagnosed with MS as fast as I did cuz like it was under 3 weeks overall which is low-key really terrifying just because and not terrifying necessarily in a bad way but terrifying because like I don't know how to explain why because just that it is.

But I've ended up with optical neuritis in both eyes in under a month, and I'm hopefully going to start medication within the next month or so which should help prevent symptoms from popping up, I really hope it does because it's not fun. I'm not allowed back at work via doctor's orders until at least the end of August which is going to be a little rough for us cuz I was the main source of income for our household but we'll manage, we've got a good support network that can be a safety net if need be. And we've been real on top of talking to like the bank and stuff about "hey payments might be a little wonky for a bit cuz work isn't happening because you know it's kind of dangerous to work with heavy machinery when you can't see what the fuck you're doing." Though I definitely didn't phrase it that way while we were talking to the bank. 🤣

But even with how overwhelming and how much everything has been and the fact that I am bored out of my mind because I'm one of those people who just goes constantly and I can't do that anymore, at least not right now. I think we're going to be okay, I think it's going to be okay in the end. it'll take a while but I'll get there, I started therapy Monday which I like her all right so far it's only been one appointment but yeah I think I'll be okay.

I really hope that things start looking up for you soon as well I'm sorry that things have been so rough for you lately sending hugs and best wishes 💖

That's crazy you got it diagnosed so quickly, but I'm so glad you did and that it wasn't drawn out. I'm also glad your doctors are taking it seriously and listening to your symptoms instead of just blowing you off so it takes longer.

I'm so sorry about your eyes! That sounds awful! And I'm sorry to hear about your work/income. Trust me, I know how awful it is to not be able to work. I'm thankful you have a support system and SO proud of you for staying on top of everything. With everything you have going on, it would be so understandable to not be on the ball, but you're doing it and that's so fucking badass.

I hope your therapy goes well! It's hard to tell after just one appointment, but it's a good sign that it was a positive vibe so far so my fingers are crossed that it keeps getting even better as you develop a rapport.

I love your positive attitude and outlook and you are an absolute inspiration. Keep being you, little rockstar! You've got this.

[safyresky]

😤😮‍💨

I am once again venting below the cut, please enjoy this Jacqueline in the meantime:

GOOD LORD!! CIRCULAR CONVERSATIONS ARE GENUINELY SOOO FRUSTRATING. I've had my new car for a WEEK and for a WEEK it's been the SAME SHIT between the hubbers and the MIL:

He mentions the car bc he's excited about it

She goes on an emotionally charged RANT about how concerned she is that we went and bought this car and how she's worried about all the debt we have and that we won't be able to "just vibe"

He assures her we went over everything (which we did) and that it's affordable for us (it being the bi-weekly payment)

It stops there. He laments to me. I reassure. I boost him the FUCK UP LIKE HE DESERVES TO BE! 😤

He brings up the car again with her in the hopes she'll be like I'm also excited about this for you!!

She instead once more lectures us on debt

He once again reassures her

He comes to me lamenting once more

I am stuck watching this circle and smacking my head against the wall

I love this man so much, and he does NOT deserve the shit his mother is giving him and I VERY MUCH DISLIKE that he is STILL SEEKING HER APPROVAL. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE WE DIDN'T BUY THE CAR FOR HIM!! WE BOUGHT IT FOR M E AND HE CO-SIGNED BC THE PAYMENT IS CHEAPER AND HE IS VERY EXCITED THAT WE HAVE A NEW, RELIABLE VEHICLE THAT IS SAFE FOR ME! HE'S HAPPY I'M SAFE!

And he's NOT explaining this bit to his Mom, and keeps being like w/e her opinion doesn't matter

BUT THEN THEY HAVE THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN

AHHHHHH

I hate circular arguments y'all. They make me want to explodE. My entire morning/afternoon has been reassuring the hubbers and trying to point out how the convo is circular bc he's looking for her approval and excitement but she is looking for Something Else BC she's worried about our finances. Guys, imma be real with you. This is an affordable payment for us. It's literally only coming out of MY PAYCHECK since it's MY CAR and they BOTH seem to be forgetting that and it's causing this stupid discussion that won't end until either:

He tells her he's heard her concerns and asks her what she's looking for (since despite his reassurances and walking her thru the process we went thru last weekend and showing her the numbers and how it all works out fine she STILL keeps voicing her concerns, to the point where I haven't even talked with her about it but am dying to yell WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE US TO DO MARGE, GET RID OF THE CAR??? Because really, what WOULD you like us to do and it's presumptuous of you to assume we can't handle it and will need your help)

He tells her he's heard her concerns and asks her to just listen to his and please show some excitement because he's excited about it, so why can't you be

They let it die and never talk about it again the end OR

He understands that this is another one of those Margie being Margie scenarios and he's not gonna get her approval or excitement, and accepts that all he needs in this scenario is his OWN acceptance and excitement, and find a way to be OKAY with that

And I don't know how LIKELY any of these are going to be in the near future (and dw, I texted him that blurb already so hopefully it's on his mind and he makes good choices, good choices being either 1 or 4 bc this isn't gonna get resolved any time soon with my MIL's old fashioned REPRESS UR EMOTIONS ass 😤) so I am instead FUMING about situations OUTSIDE OF MY CONTROL bc as an outsider Incan see how it's going and after 4 years of therapy I can see what needs to be done bc I'VE BEEN THERE TOO

This situation has me so down it's making me wanna call and vent to my Mommy and that's how you KNOW it's yucky tbh

[thisbuildinghasfeelings]

Okay, if what Tim said is true, how are they going to fit so many things in ep 12?

There's the Marjan dates, her at therapy, and even the officiants plot? Not to mention the 2 emergencies seen in the promo.

I mean, obviously something that was previously in ep 12 has been shifted to ep 13, but damn! And why shift it at all? I get the Marjan part with the therapy, since it's already been 2 episode and waiting any more time for that plot wouldn't make sense, but for the rest is a mystery. I'm kinda afraid they're going to span whatever problem the officiants bring over 2 episodes. Maybe they will talk with them this episode and delve deeper into the angst it will bring and them talking with their parents the next (assuming those talks are part of this topic).

That said I'm excited for that plot and I'm glad I (apparently) don't have to wait another 2 weeks for it. Though now I'm wondering what ep 13 will bring, especially regarding Tarlos.

Exactly my thoughts. I'm still feeling confused and unsure, but this is twice now that Tim has told us the officiants storyline is in episode 12 since it became clear that episode 12 is Swipe Left, so I think it probably is. I knew that something other than the emergencies and Marjan dating had to be in the episode, but I was thinking it would be something small. Of course, maybe the Tarlos/officiants storyline won't take up as much time as we imagine.

It does make sense to not wait to have Marjan's physical therapy coming up in episode 14. In real world time, that would be perfectly reasonable, but in Lone Star time, I'm shocked she's still dealing with the aftermath of her episode 9 injury even in episode 12 😂 Of course, they would have known this when they wrote and filmed the episodes originally, so why the need for a switch?

Maybe once we see both episodes 12 and 13, we'll be able to understand what exactly was switched and why it was done. Right now, I'm so confused why they would move a Tarlos storyline (that seems pretty major given the amount of stills we have of it) from Open to Swipe Left. I was originally thinking the title Open would relate to the storyline, as the episode titles frequently can be applied to most if not all storylines in the episode, so that makes it even more confusing. Again, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. All we know is that they're looking for officiants. We don't know exactly what's going on or what complication arises.

I do agree that it's good we don't have to wait another two weeks to see what's going on with this whole thing, though. I've been dying to see these scenes since the stills were released, and I'm feeling it even more after Tim's recent comments about a new complication arising!

I also wonder what else is in episode 13! Hopefully we'll get that synopsis soon. Maybe the switch was in part due to the issue with the amount of episodes Rafa can be in. Since we know Carlos shows up in the Marjan dating storyline and the Tarlos/officiants storyline that was originally in Open, possibly they had to push the two into one episode. That way, Carlos could be absent from 13, appear in 14, appear in 15 or 16, and appear in both 17 and 18. That would make more sense to me than him being absent from both 15 and 16 because I feel like at least some of the future Tarlos scenes must be happening in one of those two episodes.

[jungwnies]

*peeks shyly from the door*

hi

hey baby girl, how are you?

sorry for being a lil mia, I gotta admit october wasn’t the best month for me and november isn’t looking that great either (not worse but not better just a little meh), some stuff happened personally and let’s just say I’ve been in the need of a break

good/bad news is that im officially starting therapy once again tomorrow! yup, last month really set the line for it hehe

it’s a little bittersweet you know, thinking you’re getting better but then not idk just really blue u.u

but okay! i didn’t come here to make you gloomy, i mean yeah last month sucked but at least taylor dropped a new album ^^

also ive been talking and getting closer with my dad a lot these past few weeks so that’s nice, actually the whole reason why im back in therapy is cause he cares and got really worried about my state so gotta thank dad!<33

i also loved seulgi’s solo debut (slaaay) and last time i popped in here i started rewatching glee and guess who already finished it? me :D

i also rewatched shadowhunters and now im starting ted lasso! (I’ve heard is a great show and so far so good!)

kinda shocked tho it’s already November and omg the end of the years is in a couple of weeks omG STOP

n e ways, what have you been up to? my guess is school but tell me how do you feel about it? or if you don’t want to talk about school that’s okay just tell me how you’ve been and how you’ve enjoyed your days? ^^

sending lots of love to you darling

i don’t know when I’ll pop back in here so as usual: eat your meals, drink your water, listen to your favorite artists, read/write when you want to and don’t overwork yourself <33

you can do it! 파이팅 ^^

-🧸anon

omg hi :) i'm so sorry to hear the past two months have been SUCKY, but i'm glad you've gotten a break because everyone needs one at some point !!! therapy is never something bad, the reason for going might not be the best reason but the outcome will be better than nothing, right? <3 omg... also i love taylor's album, some of my fav songs on there are maroon, snow on the beach, and lavender haze 🫶 it's always nice to be recognized by a parent and receive their love and care, so i'm glad you've got comfort, love, and support from your dad. 28 reason by seulgi is actually heaven sent, it's sooooo good omg ?!?!?! there's only a few weeks left in the year, i feel like this year passed by sooo quickly it's bittersweet LOL

lately i've been super busy, i got a job recently (i love it so much, it's so easy but all my coworkers are so fun and sweet) and school has been pretty chill, exams started though so i'm studying like there's no tomorrow LMFAO

i also got post nasal drip so i'm like suffering from a dry cough, it hurts so much LMFAO... i just got medicine for it today so hopefully it goes away soon 👍

i started love in contract, i also finished it and it was one of the best kdramas i've watched 10/10 recommend

make sure you eat your meals, drink your water, listen to your favorite artists as well <3

[valentijnsstuff]

AAAAAAAAAA week Report

Monday I have an intake at the waayyyy too fancy new therapist office. The building alone makes me afraid that I will never financially recover. I run into neighbor that I ghosted on the way back (oops) and cook dinner for my homies.

Tuesday I am SUPPOSED to have my intake for a caseworker. But the administration lost my appointment somehow. Big frustration. I have another intake in the afternoon, at a humanitarian organisation that organizes group sessions for trans people. I tell them its the third intake of the week. They tell me that I really dont have to do this many intakes in this short of a time. I am somewhat taken aback, my anxiety to do everything as quickly as possible has fooled me again.

Wednesday I am ??? Stressed. My in home care homies are getting a bit tired bc its week three. The tension of 'should I stay or should I go' is very present. Me and a homie go bring stuff to second hand store. I get last minute email asking if I can do an intake at the gender clinic tommorow. With a lot of huff and puff, I get myself to sleep at home for the first time in weeks.

Thursday morning I hang out with my dad and my sister, sis is going to asia for a month. I am tired as shit. I hang around in the city and end up at the gay fraternity building where I'm a member, I do my video intake for the gender clinic there. I try to nap on the couch before going home, but a cute transfemme who plays guitar is writing lyrics and I HAVE to help her. Chill for an hour at home. Go to a hangout of queer people I dont know so well, but they love my tshirts and I get had scratches, so all is well.

Friday is somewhat insane. Early morning, I go to the next city over with my bestie, to get psych eval from a the crisis phychiatrist that I dont like. He says a whole bunch of things that make me very defensive and I leave feeling frustrated, because I sat trough the session with gritted teeth. Me and the bestie talk about it for a while, on our way back to the home city, where we have lunch and also visit the comics festival. I am greeted by familiar faces, and am happy to see them, despite being a mess. I remember that I have my on-call therapy session and proceed to have a crying session with my therapist, while at the festival. This should have been my que to go home. But nooooo. I go to the casual trans meetup to top it all off, where my friendliness is mistaken for open invitation for trauma dumping and unwanted advice from an older trans lady. Regret going. Go home tired. See that the plans for saturday are last minute canceled. Anxiouy ask one of the queers I just met if they want to come to your house tommorow. Get a message from a twink on Grindr and respond wayyy to eagerly. Now I can't sleep.

Saturday, I feel okay in the morning, but as soon as the friendly new queer person shows up and we finish brunch, it becomes clear how beat I am. I pass out on the couch, feeling somewhat guilty for inviting this person over, with no energy to actually play host. They are very cool and sweet about it. I am exhausted. I ask if I can sleep at the homies house for a night.

Sunday. I have learned my lesson. Hopefully. No more doing whatever the hell all that was. My body is kranky as hell. I want to go see my lesbian bestie, but I can barely get of the couch. She ends up coming over to my house, where we just huddle up, updating eachother frantically, but also exhausted.

I don't recommend doing whatever hell I am doing while handling trauma/depression/burn out

[invisiblerambler]

Lucky for all of you my brain is full of bees tonight, and I don't have therapy until Friday.

This is going to be entirely incoherent and a meditation on about thirty things at once.

School started last week and naturally my body reacted in a very normal way which is activating my fight or flight in a way I'm not sure any other single thing in my life does, actually I'm almost sure of that.

My instinct is to name off all the things I like about the program and the opportunities it's brought me in order to not look like an asshole, but honestly it's been really hard and it's hard not to feel like everyone secretly hates or even worse just tolerates me.

I am aware it is probably my own damage and trauma but that doesn't help. The utmost awareness of everything about this situation isn't doing fucking anything to lower my resting heart rate or feel less like my skin is crawling with bees. The answer is probably to get back on an anti anxiety medication but the expected challenge with that is the idea of finding a new provider in my new state and going through the process of titrating up on medication sounds completely awful actually. I know the alternative is suffering for the next 8 or 9 months for what will amount to a couple hours of work on the front end, but I can barely cook for myself right now much less manage something that complex.

I am forcing myself to hopefully for the final time go to the DMV tomorrow and get my drivers license done. I will be honest if it wasn't an election year I would not be worried about getting it done in a timely way because as a student you get a grace period and my previous state's license is good until 2028 so I wouldn't be seeing the inside of a DMV anytime soon.

But it is an election year and after going twice this summer with bad results (half my fault, but also fuck real id) I need to just close the loop on this whole bureaucratic nightmare.

I also need to exploit to it's logical conclusion the fact that I am basically a free agent at my job presently so why wouldn't I just do every single boring task during work hours while I can get paid for it.

I also wrote out a list of the people who I need to follow up with either over email or text. It makes me feel sick because I have a horrible fear that these people don't actually want to speak to me or otherwise engage and not that they just got busy and lost track of our correspondence.

It was really comforting to talk to D the other night. I felt so significantly less alone hearing that she had been in a similar way singled out by a peer.

I didn't realize how not seriously literally everyone had taken what happened until she actually listened.

I don't think she would make a lunch invitation without seriousness behind it. And I don't need an excuse to ditch work for a couple hours and go across town.

I did make a dentist appointment today so everyone clap for that.

Life admin (mostly) feels easier than things like doing school work which is genuinely like pulling teeth. I am being so avoidant of everything to have to do with school it's like I'm allergic to it.

Maybe if I write it down enough times I won't actually have to do any of it.

I hate that school makes doing every other thing in my life feel awful.

Including but not limited to life admin.

Everything is a lot, and I'm trying to be okay with that instead of feeling like I have to fix it. It will even out, I will even out. (I hope)

[jongnorp]

WELCOME HOME, GELLER-CHO, BEODEUL!

You've got the keys, unlock your new world!

NAME. GELLDER-CHO, BEODEUL. DATE OF BIRTH. 19920626. OCCUPATION. PROFESSOR OF KOREAN LITERATURE @ SUNGKYUNKWAN UNI. NATIONALITY. SOUTH-KOREAN.

FREE FORM.

c. 2003 Dear Eomma, I'm practicing my English like you told me to. It's kind of hard when I don't have anyone to talk back to me. Dad's not very good at it. So I decided to write this letter in English to practice... I want my baby brother to be able to understand me in case he doesn't want to speak Korean. He looks cute in the pictures you sent in your last letter, I'm sad that I wasn't there when he was born. But I'll get to see him when term is done. I'm very excited. Tell Ezra that I'm excited to meet him okay, Eomma? Love, Beodeul

c. 2011 Dear Appa, I know you're worried about me but I promise I'm doing just fine in America. I know we can't talk very long on the phone but I hope you'll take this letter as a sign that I'm well and truly alive. I've been considering getting a part time job so I can pay my own phone bill and we would be able to talk for a little longer without worrying about driving up Eomma's bill... Speaking of Eomma it's nice living with her again, and getting to know Ezra a little better. And staying here is much better than paying for accomodations on campus. I'll visit you as soon as Winter break comes around I promise. My studies are going well. I think that my advisor was surprised by my grades the first semester. I hope that means they were good, I'm pretty confident that I did well but I won't be sure until I can see my updated grades. I'll give you a call as soon as I get my grades. Love, Poe

c. 2017 Eric, You're never going to read this letter because you don't deserve all this energy, cheating asshole. Don't let me see your face again any time soon or I might break your nose.

c. 2019 Dear Avi, I'd say you're my other half or my soulmate but that doesn't feel intentional enough. I chose you and I will continue to choose you for as long as you'll let me. I love you deeply and intentionally. I can't wait to start the rest of our lives together. Sleep well, darling, I'll see you in the morning. Your Future Husband, Poe

c. 2021 Dear Eomma, I'm settling back in Seoul finally. I know we talk on the phone quite often but I remember writing letters back and forth when I was a young so I thought it might be fun to send this little update via snail mail. Appa is doing well, the doctors are hopeful that aggressive radiation therapy will deal with the cancer quickly. Hopefully that much is true but it's going to be a while before we know.

In better news, Avi and I are the owners of a sinhanok now! I'll send you pictures once we're moved out of the rental apartment but it reminds so much of the hanok that halmeoni and halabeoji used to own when I was a kid. You can tell Ezra that he's welcome to live with us by the way. I know he had mentioned that he was thinking about moving to Korea. I wouldn't want him to spend any extra money if he does, Seoul is getting quite expensive these days. Love, Poe